The Flop House: Episode Twelve - Awake

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode of the Flophouse, we do our best to stay conscious while watching Awake.

[0:30] Good evening, or good morrow to you.

[0:35] This is the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] My name is Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] As you might be able to hear from your ears, or...

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] Unless there are problems with you. You're hearing through something else.

Dan McCoy

[0:50] Or if for some reason you're listening to the podcast in reverse order, and you're listening to the outtakes first,

[0:57] you probably know by now that we have extra microphones.

[1:01] So hopefully the podcast...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] Please keep your excitement to a minimum.

Dan McCoy

[1:06] Well, no, but you can actually hear things.

[1:07] Unlike, say, last episode when you, Elliot, were completely inaudible.

[1:11] I heard about that, yeah.

[1:13] Oh, you don't listen to the show. I understand. That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] I rushed home to listen to my own voice.

[1:19] And then as soon as I heard that I wasn't audible, I stopped.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] You're making me feel kind of bad about listening to the podcast at work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] Yeah, the thing is that, like...

[1:29] I hope your boss makes you feel bad about that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] So wait, are you guys saying that when you listen to it, you don't just, like, put it on and, like, listen to your friends talking about stuff?

[1:39] And you're like, oh, Dan and Elliot are in the room with me. Yay!

Dan McCoy

[1:43] Also, I don't know if you're aware of this, Elliot.

[1:44] I'm not a segment producer on The Daily Show.

[1:47] I file things for a living.

[1:50] So I can pretty much do that while listening to a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] You're saying, you're telling me you can sit for more than five minutes at a time at your desk without having to go do something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59] You kind of have carte blanche when it comes to what you're allowed to listen to.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Yeah, that is, I would say, the one perk of my job.

Dan McCoy

[2:07] Well, no, two perks.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] Listen, listen, it's not a perfect job, but I can't control your ears.

[2:12] You listen to whatever you want to listen to.

[2:14] I'm not the boss of your ears.

[2:15] I'm just the boss of you, McCoy.

[2:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] To sum up, if you work in an admissions office, you spend a lot of time opening the mail and putting that mail into manila envelopes.

Stuart Wellington

[2:27] To sum up, microphones.

[2:29] Oh, what were you going to say?

[2:30] I was just going to say that you're slowly painting a picture of who Dan McCoy is.

[2:34] Like, I work in an admissions office.

[2:37] I have a cat.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] I like movies.

[2:40] There's a Harvey P car element to this.

[2:42] Sure.

[2:43] Little bits.

[2:43] Tell us about your trip to the bank the other day.

Dan McCoy

[2:46] You know what?

[2:47] Let's just cut out the whole movie element of this podcast.

[2:50] Now that we've got three microphones, I feel like we can get a lot more intimate with callers.

[2:54] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] With callers, I think I hear one coming.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] First time, long time?

[3:01] Dracula.

[3:01] I'm listening to your podcast right now.

[3:03] Can you hear me?

[3:04] No, we can't hear you.

[3:06] This was recorded.

[3:06] If you're calling in now, I don't know who you're talking to.

[3:09] Okay, well, I guess I'll call in next time.

[3:11] Don't.

[3:12] It's going to be recorded again.

[3:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] I don't even know how you know what this person is saying.

[3:17] I don't know.

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:17] They've apparently called a dummy number somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[3:22] That's actually a more exciting movie than the movie we just watched.

[3:25] Yeah.

[3:26] Wow.

[3:27] That's very true.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] We watched the movie Awake starring Hayden Christensen.

[3:32] Can't make a bad film.

[3:33] Flophouse favorite Jessica Alba.

[3:34] Well.

[3:36] Now, let's.

Elliott Kalan

[3:36] I have to say, I'm not.

[3:37] I just want to get it.

[3:38] This might start controversy and get us off track.

[3:40] I don't have the same blind worship for Jessica Alba that many have, it seems.

[3:44] I don't think she's all that attractive when it comes down to it.

[3:46] You know.

[3:47] What about her acting ability?

[3:48] She's an amazing actress.

[3:50] No.

[3:50] I mean, she's a Vanessa Redgrave type.

[3:53] Can play anything.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] You know, I don't have the blind worship that a lot of people seem to, but I have the same

[4:01] feeling, I think we discussed this with Jessica Biel before, not a woman that personally,

[4:06] like, I find attractive, but objectively, I'm like, that is an amazing body.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] See, Jessica Biel, I do find attractive, but even with Alba, it's just, I don't, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[4:15] It's not an issue of whether or not I find her really attractive or anything.

[4:18] It's that simply, it's one more step along my goal to see literally every woman alive

[4:24] naked at some point in my life.

[4:27] That is a lofty ambition.

[4:28] You know, I'm allowed to shoot high.

[4:31] How are you doing?

Dan McCoy

[4:32] I'm guessing you're doing infinitely poorly.

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] That's the thing.

[4:37] That's only if you're counting people who died before he had the chance to start this

[4:40] quest.

[4:41] I guess it was every woman alive.

[4:42] You're never going to.

Dan McCoy

[4:43] It's not infinitely poorly.

[4:44] I'm probably in the billions poorly, though.

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] The problem is, I have to admit, a lot of the ones I've seen naked are already dead.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Wow, that's.

[4:53] You're the.

[4:53] Kind of to blame.

[4:54] You're the voyeuristic gravedigger.

[4:57] It's so, so much harder to keep this conversation on track when there are three microphones,

[5:01] isn't it, Dan?

[5:02] Editing this will be a nightmare now that you've instituted this three microphone system.

Stuart Wellington

[5:07] It seems so good.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] What a godsend.

[5:10] I'm still shocked that apparently Stuart's the heavy in a late night Cinemax film.

Stuart Wellington

[5:17] Like the guy from Kindergarten Cop.

[5:20] What?

[5:21] Late night Cinemax film is like Kindergarten Cop.

[5:25] No, I was saying the bad guy in Kindergarten Cop who is the romantic lead in Two Moon Junction,

[5:30] the Zolman King movie.

[5:32] Oh, okay.

[5:33] So, Awake, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] Yes, Awake.

[5:35] Shouldn't you be keeping us on track, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[5:37] You want to do any, like, summary or lead-in?

Dan McCoy

[5:40] Of what?

[5:40] Awake?

Stuart Wellington

[5:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:42] I was trying to.

Dan McCoy

[5:43] I was saying that Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba starred in it, which.

[5:47] Chemistry.

[5:48] A lot of chemistry.

[5:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] The chemistry was just a little less powerful than, like, a baking soda and vinegar volcano.

Dan McCoy

[5:56] Sure, that's fair.

[5:57] But a little more powerful than Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in the Star Wars films.

Stuart Wellington

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:05] Star Wars films?

[6:07] Oh, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[6:08] I forgot.

[6:09] You had that lobotomy.

[6:11] Yeah.

[6:12] Films?

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] But do you want to go over what happens in this movie, or should we just get into talking

[6:17] about the most passive protagonist in film history?

Dan McCoy

[6:20] I think that my introduction will sort of seg into that, because.

[6:24] Segway into that.

[6:25] Oh, Jesus.

[6:27] Pedantic.

Elliott Kalan

[6:27] All I'm saying, you said seg instead of segway.

[6:30] The last time I watched a movie, the guys, you said Loan instead of Lohan.

[6:34] You have a way of pronouncing things all your own.

[6:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:38] Well, anyway, let's keep moving.

[6:41] And I was going to say that the movie starts with, there's some very serious text up on

[6:47] the screen saying, this many people get anesthesia every year, some large number.

[6:53] And out of those people who are anesthetized, this smaller number of them have this horrible

[7:00] thing happen where they are awake in mind and they can feel the pain, but they can't move.

[7:07] And this is, you know, apparently, I mean, I remember when this movie came out, what little

[7:12] attention there was about it focused on the fact that this is something that happens to

[7:16] people, although more rarely than the movie would suggest.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] And you remember since the movie came out, there's been a huge increase in attention paid

[7:24] to this problem.

Dan McCoy

[7:25] It's basically an issue film.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] This film was a flashpoint for social change.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] It's just like all those movies that are about like, you know, killer crocodiles or something.

[7:34] And they open the movie with a text that's like, every year, 10,000 people go into the

[7:39] bayou or hang out around crocodiles.

[7:41] 2,000 come back.

[7:43] 2,000 come back.

[7:44] A bunch never come back.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] Well, I know that after the John Sayles scripted alligator, the number of alligators that were flushed

[7:51] down the toilet went dramatically down.

[7:54] Because they were afraid that they would grow giants and Robert Forster would not be there

[7:58] to save them.

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] I don't care for John Sayles.

Dan McCoy

[8:02] That's a conversation for another day.

Elliott Kalan

[8:05] It is.

[8:05] Okay, yeah, it is.

[8:06] That's for when we watch Casa de los Babies on the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] It didn't do that well, theoretically.

[8:14] Technically a flop.

[8:16] Silver City.

[8:18] But to go back to this movie, which apparently we have no interest in discussing.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] Well, that's the thing.

[8:24] This is of the times I've watched movies with you guys, which I think is two now.

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] What about all the times we've watched movies for other reasons?

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] No, yeah, but not counting.

[8:33] Even when we've watched bad movies to make fun of them in the past, like, this is the least

[8:38] paying attention I think we've ever been to.

[8:40] Like, we just were not engaged in this film.

[8:42] It was boring from start to finish.

[8:45] With small moments of weirdness, but for the most part it was shot in a very static way.

[8:50] It was acted in a static way.

[8:51] The music was static.

[8:53] The story was static in that the main character, if you don't mind me going into the plot a

[8:57] little bit.

[8:57] No, no, please.

[8:58] The main character is wealthy.

[9:00] His mother disagrees with his choice of bride.

[9:03] He goes in for a heart surgery because he has a weak heart, even though he's a young man.

[9:06] It turns out everyone in the world isn't conspiring to murder him.

[9:10] His mother sacrifices her life to save him.

[9:13] And he does basically nothing the entire movie except lie there and complain.

[9:18] And does not help in any way or accomplish anything.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] What does he really have to live for?

[9:23] I mean, he doesn't have any friends.

[9:25] I mean, his best man is the doctor who tried to kill him and so is his fucking wife.

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] And the only other friend we see of his is very briefly a man dressed as Dracula at a costume

[9:33] party that he throws in his office.

Stuart Wellington

[9:36] Who initially, in one of the deleted scenes, I think, recommends that they go out and look

[9:41] at strippers, which obviously paints him as a negative influence in his life.

[9:45] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] And before I forget, this is something that we brought up while we were watching the movie.

[9:50] Directors out there, if you're making a movie that requires a scene with a lot of big exposition

[9:55] in it, please don't set that scene at a Halloween costume party.

[10:00] Because as happened when we were watching this, Hayden Christensen is talking about the business

[10:04] he's doing with these Japanese business people.

[10:06] And it seems like it's important to the movie.

[10:08] It's not.

[10:09] But it seems like it is.

[10:10] And there's a guy in a bear suit wanders by in the background.

[10:13] And Dracula is there.

[10:14] And you just can't help but pay more attention to the bear.

Dan McCoy

[10:17] It seems like maybe they watched that scene in Indiana Jones.

[10:21] It was a literal monster match.

[10:23] The director watched that scene in Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom where Spielberg was

[10:26] like, all right, I got to do a lot of exposition about the Tuggy cult.

[10:31] I'll have this dinner scene.

[10:33] An exposition will happen.

[10:34] And then also there'll be a bunch of gags about crazy gross food.

[10:38] But in that case, he went back and forth between the two rather than having zany food being

[10:43] brought out.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] Rather than having two people having a very serious conversation and then a monkey with

[10:48] its head, top of its head chopped off, just walked by in the background.

[10:52] Leading the audience to think, oh, what the hell?

[10:54] What is that all about?

[10:55] Why am I not looking at that?

Dan McCoy

[10:57] That monkey's going to come back into play.

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] What's that story about that monkey?

Elliott Kalan

[11:00] If I see a monkey with the top of its head cough in act one, I know it's going to go off in act three.

Stuart Wellington

[11:04] Is that monkey under anesthesia?

[11:07] I wonder.

[11:08] It's crying.

[11:09] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] We don't get too far ahead of ourselves.

[11:13] But the thing is, the thing about that anesthesia plot is, and we were discussing this, as my

[11:19] lovely wife pointed out, it has no bearing on anything.

[11:22] Yeah, it's completely unrelated to the rest of the film.

[11:24] It's one of the most interesting ideas in the movie.

[11:27] This idea of like, it would be truly horrific if you were, you know, completely paralyzed.

[11:31] You could feel everything.

[11:32] But we're going under the knife for like, major heart surgery.

[11:36] However, that basically does not play into anything.

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] There's only about six minutes of that in, what is it, an 81-minute film?

Dan McCoy

[11:43] Right, and he doesn't even seem to be going through that much pain.

[11:46] He immediately goes into that sort of a Wesley and the Princess Bride thing where he's like,

[11:51] I'm going to put my brain in another happier place, and thus the pain will not affect me.

[11:55] And so you're not engaged at all.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] He seems really focused on astral projecting and running around like he's fucking Doctor Strange or something,

[12:04] trying to solve the mystery by going back in time.

[12:07] But that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Well, he basically just goes back into his memories and either relives them or mopes around.

[12:12] While he's dicking around in his subconscious, his mom is uncovering a murder ring and doing all sorts of exciting things.

Dan McCoy

[12:19] His subconscious dicking around, as you say, solves things for us, the audience,

[12:25] but it doesn't actually do anything to affect the action of the film.

[12:29] Basically, not to spoil anything, but Hayden Christensen is completely paralyzed for the movie,

[12:35] and then he dies temporarily.

[12:37] Meanwhile, his mom, Lena Olin, played by hot mom Lena Olin,

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] who we've been led to believe in the beginning is a monster, basically.

[12:46] Right.

[12:47] Doesn't want her son to talk to anybody, disapproves of his wife.

[12:50] A real momzilla.

[12:51] Exactly. Thank you.

[12:53] But it's basically the mom of the Manchurian Candidate, like a monster.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] Yeah.

[12:57] But then we discover that she's just really passionate about her son.

[13:01] I think passionate is the right word with some of the weird vibes you get from it.

[13:04] But she also turns into this super detective, and she puts everything together in time to kill herself

[13:12] so that her son can have her heart.

[13:15] So she solves everything and saves him while he's completely just lying on the table.

[13:20] He's literally the most passive protagonist in a movie ever.

[13:25] But Fisher Stevens goes to jail at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] Spoiler alert.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:30] In case anyone was watching it just for Fisher Stevens' part.

Stuart Wellington

[13:33] Probably just Fisher Stevens would watch that episode this far.

Dan McCoy

[13:36] Well, it's interesting.

[13:37] Like, Fisher Stevens is on Lost recently.

[13:40] Well, yeah.

[13:40] One episode.

[13:41] One episode.

[13:41] Well, the thing was, like, they made a movie.

[13:43] Spoiler alert.

[13:43] Fisher Stevens, if you're watching that episode of Lost, you died.

[13:46] Sorry if you're behind on Lost, if you're watching it on DVD.

[13:49] But I don't say how he died.

[13:51] I didn't say it was like the stroke monster or something.

[13:53] But it was funny because there was a lot of press around Fisher Stevens being on Lost.

[13:57] True.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] I seem to have missed that.

[14:00] You haven't been reading Big Bopper or Teen Beat.

[14:02] This is talking from someone who spent a good amount of time today while I was working looking at Rene Average-Wenaw,

[14:08] or how he pronounced his last name,'s webpage and remembering that, oh, yeah, he did play Odo in Deep Space Nine.

[14:13] I forgot about that.

[14:14] I know him better from his work with Robert Altman.

[14:16] I forgot he was on Benson, you know.

Dan McCoy

[14:18] But they played up, oh, Fisher Stevens is going to be on Lost as if everyone was supposed to be like, oh, big name, big name star.

[14:27] Fisher Stevens is going to be on Lost.

[14:30] And then everyone, you know.

[14:31] Extra extra read all about it.

[14:32] And then you're disappointed that he dies in one episode.

[14:35] And, you know, granted.

[14:36] But, oh, what a death.

[14:37] I was excited that Fisher Stevens was on Lost.

[14:39] But I think that's mainly because I remember him fondly as Ben from Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2.

Stuart Wellington

[14:45] Wasn't he, I remember him as the bad guy in the movie Hackers.

[14:49] Yeah, he was that.

[14:50] He rides a skateboard, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[14:52] Ugh.

[14:52] Well, that was back when people didn't know a lot about Hackers.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] Unlike nowadays.

[14:58] They were really trying to sell us on the whole cyberpunk concept.

[15:02] Like, I bet these people who are really good at computers are going to be really cool, too.

[15:06] They do a lot of extreme sports.

Stuart Wellington

[15:08] I watched Live Free Die Hard recently.

[15:13] I still haven't seen that.

[15:14] There's a lot of hackers in that.

[15:16] So be prepared.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] Okay.

[15:21] Consider everybody warned.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] But unlike in Short Circuit, Fisher Stevens was not playing an Indian man.

Elliott Kalan

[15:28] A likably caricatured Indian man.

Dan McCoy

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:30] His head's getting bigger.

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] And his neck's getting smaller.

[15:33] It's strange.

[15:34] He's like a turtle who's had his shell removed.

[15:36] Yeah.

[15:37] That's pretty much Fisher Stevens out in a nutshell, but out of his shell.

[15:40] He's had a weird haircut, too.

Dan McCoy

[15:41] If there's a movie where they need to cast someone who's a turtle, like that's in the casting breakdown, turtle with shell removed.

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] Like, if there's a Ninja Turtles movie where there's an old turtle whose shell has fallen apart over the years, Fisher Stevens is the guy to cast in that role.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] So Fisher Stevens, if you're listening, and I know you are.

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] Old patchwork shell?

[15:59] Like, what the fuck?

[16:00] Is it like a Ninja Turtle hobo character?

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] He's hundreds of years old.

[16:05] Turtles live a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[16:07] Now, the thing is that both Fisher Stevens and that character actor that played the anesthesiologist.

[16:14] Christopher McDonald.

[16:15] Yeah.

[16:15] The two of those guys have such iconic hairdos.

[16:18] Like, do you think that they go to once, they've been going to the same barber for like years?

[16:23] Like, I'm talking about fucking years.

[16:25] Just to keep that like iconic.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] I mean, they might just have a photo that they bring to the barber and are like, make it look like this.

[16:31] Sure.

[16:31] Which is what many people do.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] I think they already have that photo like posted on the wall that's like, signed.

[16:37] Yeah.

[16:37] Make it look like my autographed headshot.

[16:39] So when people go to that like salon, they're like, oh shit, Fisher Stevens?

[16:43] Really?

[16:44] Can I get that?

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] No, no.

[16:46] That's the only part of Mr. Stevens.

[16:48] No, no.

[16:49] Hey, Gino.

[16:50] How's it going?

[16:51] I'm Fisher.

Dan McCoy

[16:52] We got to get a chair.

[16:54] Right?

[16:54] You know, so what?

[16:56] I don't.

[16:56] I'm not.

[16:57] I mean, I guess that they're.

[16:58] Those are an Italian barber.

[16:59] I see.

[17:00] I haven't actually encountered an Italian barber outside of like a gangster film.

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] I have to say I've had one Italian barber.

[17:09] This and.

[17:09] But you're right.

[17:10] Most of the barbers I've had have been Greek or my current one is Russian who hires Israelis.

[17:14] Yeah, I would say that, I mean, in New York at least.

[17:16] I will not get my hair cut by a native born American.

[17:18] They don't do as good a job.

[17:19] This is.

[17:20] This is a fascinating topic related to the movie awake.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] Sociological study of barbers in New York City.

[17:27] I cut my own hair, guys.

[17:30] Well, it looks fantastic.

[17:32] I wish that this was a video podcast.

[17:34] So we could see the hair, yeah.

[17:35] Just how good it looks.

[17:36] That's weird.

[17:37] But, yeah.

[17:38] Let's talk about the length of this movie.

[17:39] This movie was 80 minutes long.

[17:41] Pretty trend.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] And felt padded at that.

Stuart Wellington

[17:44] Yeah.

[17:44] I feel.

[17:45] As a.

[17:45] They don't get into the action until like, what, 40 minutes in?

Elliott Kalan

[17:48] Yeah.

[17:49] Yeah.

[17:49] He doesn't go under the knife until, yeah, like 40, 45 minutes into the movie.

[17:52] A lot of exciting stuff before that, huh?

Dan McCoy

[17:54] Well, as.

[17:54] Not.

[17:56] Oh.

[17:56] No way.

[17:57] Oh.

[17:59] Well, I mean, as.

Elliott Kalan

[18:00] They do a lot of setting up how Hayden Christensen's company works, which is forgotten as soon

[18:06] as he gets to the hospital.

[18:07] Right.

[18:07] There's really no reason for us to know.

[18:09] There's.

[18:10] What.

[18:10] Isn't there.

[18:10] There's a moment where the TV mentioned something about mobsters, right?

[18:13] Or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] There's a lot of red herrings.

[18:15] Well, as my friends, Matt and Jeff say, this was a handsome length for a movie.

[18:21] Like, as I get older, I find that I've got a little less attention span for movies.

[18:25] And I appreciate.

[18:26] I appreciate older movies, for instance.

[18:27] A lot of older movies, 80 minutes long.

[18:30] You know, a lot of the universal horror films.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] Less than 90 minutes.

[18:34] An hour, maybe, even.

[18:35] And I appreciate that brevity.

[18:37] This film spent a half an hour setting up the idea that, one, Hayden Christensen is rich.

[18:43] Two, he's going to marry Jessica Alba, but he's keeping that from his mom.

[18:47] And three, he has a heart problem, and he's going to go under the knife for it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:51] Now, a talented screenwriter would be able to get all this information out within the first

[18:54] scene of the film, I feel like.

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:56] Pan from hard pills on bedside table.

[19:00] Pan to Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba in bed.

[19:03] Maybe one is hugging the other one.

[19:06] She reaches over and turns down a picture of his mom.

[19:09] Or, that's pretty economicalized.

[19:11] I was thinking more like, they wake up and they kiss.

[19:13] Hey, how's it going?

[19:14] Only three more weeks until we're married.

[19:16] Eh.

[19:16] Oh no, that's my mom.

[19:18] You gotta get out of here.

[19:18] She doesn't approve of our relationship.

[19:21] Done.

Stuart Wellington

[19:21] A little bit of comedy as she leaves through the fire escape.

[19:23] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] Then get him to the hospital.

[19:25] Right.

[19:26] Done.

[19:27] Maybe tripping over a penguin.

[19:28] Done.

[19:29] Let's rewrite the script.

[19:30] It felt like this was a movie.

Dan McCoy

[19:31] Let's rewrite it into a 30 minute episode of Tales from the Dead.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] I feel like if we digitized this movie, we could probably edit it down right now to 22 minutes

[19:40] with commercial breaks.

[19:41] A tight 22.

[19:42] A tight 22.

[19:44] This could easily, like it felt like a throwback to an era of half hour anthology television

[19:47] shows.

[19:48] But they went, oh, this, like someone dusted off.

[19:51] We were talking about, it felt like an Alfred Hitchcock Presents episode.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] I think it was like, it was cribbed from that, right?

[19:56] Yeah.

[19:56] And then they're like, hey, let's take three murder mysteries and just smash it in here

[20:01] as well.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] It was like an old man, an old TV writer, like Richard Matheson had this script lying

[20:06] around his home and blew some dust off it and went, oh, I meant this for Rod.

[20:10] Rod Serling, of course.

[20:12] Rod Serling, of course.

[20:13] I could probably pump this up into a feature if I throw some murder mystery in there.

[20:17] Then I'll write another book.

Dan McCoy

[20:19] It was the classic paralyzed guy can't tell people, you know, like what's going on concept.

[20:25] But then also there was a whole subplot, very small subplot, but significant ultimately

[20:30] about his father who had died, but he couldn't remember much about him except for like he

[20:35] died on Christmas.

[20:36] He had fallen down off the stairs wearing like a Santa Claus suit.

[20:40] And in the end, it turns out that his mom had killed him.

[20:43] Because he was an abusive husband and father.

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:46] And again, the Santa Claus like murder element feels like another Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

[20:52] So they just like, they took 75% of one script and 25% of another and put them together.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] And I mean, having recently rewatched Silent Night, Deadly Night, which is also a movie about

[21:01] an abusive person dressed up in a Santa Claus outfit.

Dan McCoy

[21:04] A better movie, frankly.

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] Yes.

[21:05] At least in that movie, the guy grows up to be a crazy murdering Santa Claus instead of

[21:12] a crazy boring heart problem having guy.

Elliott Kalan

[21:15] I gotta say, that costume party was the, which was probably a whim on the part of the screener.

[21:21] I'll just set the scene of costume party.

[21:22] The moment you see Hayden Christensen dressed as an admiral or as some sort of soldier.

[21:28] I thought he was a Jedi.

[21:29] He's wearing a dress uniform with a, or maybe he's a Marine actually, and a ton of medals.

[21:34] You're like, this movie just got a little bit more interesting.

[21:36] Oh, it's a Halloween costume.

[21:38] Never mind.

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:39] Like the fact that the one Halloween costume he wears has more plot potential than most of

[21:43] the film.

Dan McCoy

[21:44] I think we should institute, by the way, something on the Flophouse called like the Quirk Alert.

[21:50] Because I think often-

[21:51] Okay, it's a good name.

[21:53] Do you have anything to back it up?

[21:54] Is there a sound effect?

Elliott Kalan

[21:56] It has to be something like, boy-oing-oing or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[21:59] Excellent.

[21:59] I'll work on it.

[22:01] But the Quirk, I mean, we've talked about it in a lot of previous episodes.

Elliott Kalan

[22:03] So we're going to be watching Juno is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[22:05] No, I'm saying that often in these-

[22:08] I can read the two words.

[22:13] Aye, aye, aye, aye.

[22:15] Often in these movies we call out something that clearly like the screenwriter threw in

[22:19] and is like, hmm, something interesting, some sort of interesting character trait or something

[22:24] wacky needs to be part of this film.

[22:26] And in this movie, Hayden Christensen and Terrence Howard, what they do together is they fish

[22:31] in the East River.

[22:32] Yeah.

[22:33] They go fishing in the East River together.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] Terrence Howard was also an amateur photographer, so he had a lot of hobbies, this doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] Well, it's cool.

[22:41] He barely has time for all his doctoring.

[22:44] I wonder if-

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Oh, oh, and that's the other thing.

[22:47] He goes to the hospital.

[22:48] The choices of doctor for his heart surgery are his best friend and best man at the wedding,

[22:53] another doctor he knows well, and his mom's semi-boyfriend, I guess, who's a famous doctor

[22:59] who says, and this is the best line in the entire movie, I've had my hands inside presidents.

[23:03] Or my hands have been inside presidents.

[23:05] But like, what hospital lets someone be- let's have a surgeon who knows the patient well,

[23:10] working on it.

[23:10] Doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] Yeah.

[23:12] I don't actually know.

[23:13] I don't know hospital procedure.

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] I'm going to assume you're right, though.

Dan McCoy

[23:17] I'm pretty sure.

[23:18] He's a philanthropist.

[23:20] He built a hospital inside his house.

[23:23] That's why they all know him.

[23:25] That makes more sense.

[23:26] That makes a lot of sense.

Stuart Wellington

[23:28] The thing, as far as the fishing in the East River, it totally felt when I was watching that

[23:31] the screenwriter director, Joby something or other-

[23:36] Yeah, let's call him Joby something or other.

[23:38] I think he was like, fuck, I don't know how to set the scene.

[23:41] What do I do?

[23:42] And then he's like, ring, ring, ring.

[23:44] Oh, who's that on the phone?

[23:45] Nicolas Cage?

[23:47] Hey, Nicolas Cage, what should I have these characters do?

[23:50] No, they're not- they can't eat Skittles and talk about the Carpenters.

[23:55] Fish in the East River?

[23:57] Absolutely.

[23:57] Hot dog.

[23:58] Talk to you later, buddy.

[24:00] Yeah, yeah, we'll go to Buffalo Wild Wings later.

[24:03] Okay, peace.

[24:03] That's what it felt like.

[24:04] I just imagined that scene.

[24:06] That's the scene of the life of Joby What's-His-Dame.

[24:10] And Nicolas Cage, script doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] That Nicolas Cage is full of great ideas for character traits that are totally unrelated

[24:21] to the character or action of the film.

Dan McCoy

[24:23] Oh, so I feel like we don't have a lot of juice to talk about this movie, but I do want

[24:28] to, you know, before we start winding down, another thing that was kind of odd about this

[24:33] movie is one of these movies where while the guy is dying or comatose or whatever, you

[24:39] know, he does- as you say, he has his out-of-body experiences and he wanders around and he then

[24:44] has conversations, say, with his- he has a conversation with his mom who has killed

[24:50] herself so, you know-

[24:51] So that he may live.

[24:52] Yeah.

[24:53] And at the end, they're losing him.

[24:55] He doesn't want to come back because he's talking to his mom.

[24:58] And then once they finish that conversation, he can come back.

[25:02] You okay, dude?

[25:03] I'm sorry.

[25:03] You having heart problems?

[25:04] Getting choked up.

[25:05] I am getting choked up.

[25:06] It was a sad scene.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] Suddenly the movie hit him.

[25:09] You could relate.

[25:10] Wait, I get it now.

[25:11] This was a brilliant movie.

[25:12] It was beautiful.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] But no, once he decides to live again, obviously then the heart monitor starts up again.

[25:18] And that always pisses me off in movies because that's not the way life works.

[25:23] Oh my God, he's doing it.

[25:25] He's made the decision to live in this metaphysical conversation he may or may not be having.

[25:31] Now his heart starts beating again.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] My least favorite one of those is also from another Hayden Christensen movie, Star Wars Episode 3, in which a robot, a thing without emotions that can only see – should only be able to understand facts, says as – what's her name?

[25:48] Luke and Leia's mom.

[25:49] Padme.

[25:50] Padme, thank you.

[25:51] I forgot her made-up bullshit name that George Lucas came up with.

Stuart Wellington

[25:54] I like the real name of Luke and Leia.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] Those are real names.

[25:58] Skywalker.

[25:59] But as – and that's pretty dumb.

[26:02] You want to hide the most evil man in the universe's son but you don't bother to change his last name from Skywalker.

Stuart Wellington

[26:09] That's illegal in the future.

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] Skywalker must be like Smith.

[26:12] Yeah, it is.

[26:13] But the robot – Luke and Leia's mother delivers the babies and then dies and the robot says, it's as if she lost the will to live.

[26:21] Really?

[26:22] Nurse Medi-robot?

[26:23] Is that your professional opinion?

[26:25] That she willed herself into dying?

Dan McCoy

[26:28] Look, they understand medicine better in the future – in the past.

[26:32] With their midichlorians and such.

Elliott Kalan

[26:34] Yes.

[26:35] But this was kind of like that where it's like –

[26:37] Gay robots.

[26:39] The message seems to be like, listen dead people, you should have tried harder or else you'd still be alive.

[26:45] Burn.

Stuart Wellington

[26:46] It's really weird now if in the future Hayden Christensen's character in Awake – like later on, okay, this is, you know, years down the road.

[26:55] Jessica Alba's in prison.

[26:56] Later on he joins the new republic.

[26:58] He –

[26:59] He starts fabricating stories.

[27:00] No.

Dan McCoy

[27:01] That was actually an okay movie.

[27:03] That is it.

[27:03] That's the best Hayden Christensen film.

Stuart Wellington

[27:06] Maybe he falls in love with a new girl.

[27:08] He has his mom's heart.

[27:09] Does that make it a lesbian romance?

[27:12] Dan, answer me.

[27:13] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[27:14] If I'm forced to imagine Hayden Christensen having sex with a woman and Lena Olin having sex with a woman, I will go with a lesbian romance.

Elliott Kalan

[27:22] I like the idea more that he has his mom's heart in him now.

[27:24] So out of nowhere he starts drinking a lot of martinis, smoking Virginia Slims, wearing support hose.

[27:30] He has a lot of hot flashes.

[27:31] He doesn't know what's going on.

[27:33] He's been reading Red Book all the time.

[27:35] Sure.

[27:36] I do whatever.

[27:37] Ever since I got my mom's heart, I've been so much more interested in watching Lifetime.

[27:40] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[27:41] He acts like weirdly possessed, maybe talks with a slight weird accent.

[27:45] Where the fuck is she from, dude?

Dan McCoy

[27:47] I like your understanding, Elliot, of what middle-aged women do.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] They read Red Book and they have hot flashes and they smoke Virginia Slims.

[27:54] Sure.

[27:55] That's what they do.

[27:55] Yep.

[27:56] Maybe she tapes Guiding Light, something like that, and watches it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:59] Falls asleep watching TV.

[28:02] Oh, wait, that's my mom.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Drunk in the recliner.

[28:07] That's my mom.

[28:09] Okay.

[28:11] So awkward.

[28:13] My mom's listening.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] So, awake.

[28:17] Yeah, I guess we should.

[28:18] It was pretty good.

[28:19] It was pretty scary.

[28:19] We should talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] We should talk about how terrible and boring it is.

[28:23] And then you're like, so awake.

[28:24] Thumbs up.

[28:25] Terrifying.

[28:26] Ten out of ten.

[28:27] No, we should.

Stuart Wellington

[28:28] I don't like that you throw the word masterpiece around a lot.

Dan McCoy

[28:32] This one earns it.

[28:33] We haven't done this in a while because, you know, last week we had our awards floptacular.

[28:39] Absolutely.

[28:40] Not last week, but last full show.

[28:42] And then before that, good luck Chuck, which was so bad that we totally discarred.

[28:47] We started the idea of rating it.

[28:49] Sure.

[28:49] But now we will return to the patented Flophouse rating system.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Oh, by the way, I will say, having listened to the podcast for Good Luck Chuck, and you were talking about how strangely explicit the sex scenes were,

[29:01] I said, surely they weren't that bad.

[29:03] And we did the trouble of looking on the internet for research photos of these scenes.

[29:07] They were really surprising in the amount of explicit quality that was in that film.

[29:12] Yeah.

[29:13] So you guys were right.

Dan McCoy

[29:14] So, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] You hear that?

[29:16] You hear that?

[29:16] We were right.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] If for some reason you want to see Dane Cook having sex with a bunch of women.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] I was blind for seven minutes after I saw those pictures.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] Good luck Chuck.

[29:26] On the internet.

[29:28] Because that has everything.

[29:30] Like podcasts.

[29:32] Such as popular bad movie podcasts.

[29:36] Or unpopular ones.

[29:37] That's the case.

[29:39] But to get on to our final judgment on Awake.

[29:44] So would you say that this is a movie that you didn't like at all?

[29:47] A movie that you thought was a good movie as a bad movie?

[29:51] Or a movie that you actually kind of liked a bit?

[29:53] So I'm going to go to Elliot with this question.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] Because he's currently rubbing his nose with a handkerchief.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] Now that I'm blowing my nose, it's the best time to talk.

[30:04] I will say that I guess it's so much of a non-movie that it almost falls outside of the normal rating system.

[30:11] Like I didn't enjoy it at all.

[30:12] But it like almost wasn't bad enough to raise my ire.

[30:16] You know, if I was eating.

[30:17] It's like if I'm sitting down and eating Cheerios as a snack.

[30:20] It's like, alright.

[30:22] I mean this is not really particularly that delicious.

[30:24] But it's not like it tastes terrible.

[30:29] It's like eating cardboard.

[30:30] You know, this is like watching a cardboard movie.

[30:33] Yeah.

[30:33] What do you think?

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] Yeah, that's a pretty good summary.

[30:36] Like, I didn't like it.

[30:37] And I don't want other people to watch it.

[30:40] But it's not to the point that I'm like a man and I want to punch him in the eyes so they can't watch the movie, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] Wait, you would take that anger out on the person watching the movie?

[30:50] Not on the filmmaker.

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] That's the thing.

[30:51] Like, I can't do it.

[30:52] I can't stop them.

[30:53] They've already made the movie.

[30:55] But I can stop people from watching it.

Dan McCoy

[30:57] Yeah.

[30:58] We are in perfect agreement about the non-qualities of this film.

[31:02] Because I don't think it's a bad enough.

[31:05] Like, it's nowhere near funny in its badness.

[31:08] Can I just restate this?

[31:09] No, that's very true.

Stuart Wellington

[31:09] I mean, I don't know how objective we are right now.

[31:12] Right.

[31:13] But arguably, this podcast is either A, longer than the movie or B, significantly more interesting.

[31:19] There's been more twists in this fucking podcast than there were in the fucking movie.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] Yeah.

[31:23] I got, you know, one thing I will say, I mean, there's a good movie in there somewhere.

[31:28] Find the silver lining.

[31:29] Like, when Lena Olin discovers what the plot was, I have to say, you know, I turned to

[31:34] you guys and I was like, you know what?

[31:35] The clues that she's putting together were scattered through the movie.

[31:39] They weren't, like, obvious.

[31:40] There's no point at which I'm like, that's going to become significant later.

[31:43] But then...

Elliott Kalan

[31:43] That's true.

[31:44] The clues were well hidden and...

[31:46] And they made sense.

[31:46] Yeah, you did say that.

[31:47] But the thing is almost like to the point of, oh, yeah, those were clues, huh?

[31:52] Well, there was no moment of like, of course, I didn't even notice.

[31:56] It was like, oh, yeah, clues.

[31:58] What are you going to do?

[32:00] I guess it happens.

[32:03] She was trying to kill him.

[32:05] But there's like, for a movie with a double twist, this is...

Dan McCoy

[32:09] Yeah, it did not raise the blood pressure at any point.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] But also, the idea of a woman killing herself so her son, who shares her rare blood type,

[32:18] can receive a heart transplant is, after she's sheltered him to a certain extent his whole

[32:22] life, is an interesting one.

[32:24] But it was so...

[32:25] Like, even considering how super melodramatic that is.

[32:28] But, like, even that kind of came off as...

[32:30] There's something about woman kills self so son can have heart that should be like, what?

[32:35] That is like, either that's really dramatic or that's insane.

[32:39] But here it's like, hmm, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:40] Yeah, that's what I would do in that situation.

[32:42] That's the rational solution.

[32:45] My favorite bit is nobody at no point addresses that she did that.

[32:48] Like, the doctor who looks like Ben Kingsley's weird low-rent brother shows up and he's like,

[32:52] oh, I guess she's dead.

[32:54] Prep the surgery room.

[32:55] Yeah, no one puts two and two together.

[32:57] You're not like, oh my god, she died to kill her son.

[33:00] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[33:01] I fucked that one up.

[33:02] She died to save her son.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] Well, apparently he puts two and two together enough that immediately, immediately after realizing that she's beyond resuscitation, he's like, well, better get this heart out and put it in the other guy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] Because I'll tell you, because that's a good doctor.

[33:17] His hands have been inside the president.

[33:18] Yeah, yeah.

[33:18] Next surgeon general, I believe.

[33:20] The next surgeon general, he says at one point.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] I want my surgeon general to be able to read those songs.

Elliott Kalan

[33:24] It felt like that kind of stuff should have been exciting.

[33:28] But I can imagine the director doing 20, 25 takes to bleed the energy out of these actors and like, prep the surgery.

[33:35] We've only got so much time.

[33:36] Whoa, whoa, Ben's brother.

[33:38] Take it down a notch.

[33:39] Take it down a couple notches.

[33:41] It was like if Antonioni had made a medical thriller for television.

[33:46] Yeah.

[33:46] We're not getting the ennui out of this murder situation.

[33:50] It was pretty damn classy of me to mention Antonioni.

[33:53] Yeah, good job, dude.

[33:54] I read a book.

Dan McCoy

[33:55] Raised the tenor of this podcast significantly.

[33:57] Yes.

[33:58] But I would have liked it, I think I said, if Lena Olin had figured out what was going on and then decided to kill Jessica Alva and steal her heart.

[34:07] That would have been awesome.

[34:08] That would have been exciting.

Stuart Wellington

[34:09] Or if she killed herself just enough to turn into a ghost to talk to Hayden Christensen to find out the plan and then come back to do that.

[34:18] Like, you need to bring me back from the dead in five minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[34:22] That basically happens in The Frighteners, doesn't it?

[34:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:24] Okay, what I'm trying to say is I'd rather watch The Frighteners.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] Yeah, well, that's a sentiment I think we can all agree with.

[34:31] Or if Peter Jackson's best movie.

Dan McCoy

[34:33] Jake Busey.

[34:34] She used her power cosmic to commune with Hayden Christensen's ghost and teach him how to kill Jessica Alva.

Stuart Wellington

[34:42] If there was a fucking, like, medicine man or something.

Dan McCoy

[34:46] There were doctors in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] Yeah, but no.

[34:48] Technically, those are medicine men.

[34:50] No, but I mean.

[34:50] They're men of medicine.

[34:51] Men of medicine.

[34:52] Yeah.

[34:52] But you mean like a shaman or something.

Stuart Wellington

[34:54] Yeah.

[34:54] I was playing Cranium this weekend.

[35:01] It's good to say.

[35:01] The question was like something like Native American God or something.

[35:06] And I'm looking at like the, you know, it's like fill in the blanks or some shit.

[35:10] And I'm like, wait, does that say great spirit?

[35:12] That's really a God.

[35:14] Like, that's really stupid sounding.

[35:15] But apparently I was right.

[35:16] So it was great spirit.

[35:18] So medicine men, great spirit.

[35:20] It was just a really weird situation.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] Medicine Man starring Sean Connery and Lorraine Bracken.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] Not a weird situation.

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] I discovered the cure for cancer and then I lost it.

[35:31] That's the best line in a commercial ever.

[35:33] It's in the trailer.

[35:34] It's in the Amazon somewhere.

[35:35] The best one goes, you know, like you lose your keys.

Dan McCoy

[35:39] He says this as if it's a perfectly fine explanation for how it happened.

[35:43] That's the best movie about finding the cure for cancer that also involves swinging around from trees.

Elliott Kalan

[35:49] I think you could just say best movie about finding a cure for cancer.

Stuart Wellington

[35:53] I wonder when they pitch that movie if they're like, poster has Sean Connery with a ponytail and his shirts open.

Elliott Kalan

[35:59] Enough said.

[36:00] 100 mil opening weekend.

[36:03] I remember very well as a fifth grader at school, my teacher coming in one day and saying,

[36:08] I saw Medicine Man this weekend.

[36:09] It was very disappointing.

[36:11] If they'd focused on the Amazonian tribes more and less on the plot, it would have been a better movie.

[36:17] And as a kid saying, why did you expect them to make a movie about Amazonian tribes?

Dan McCoy

[36:21] I want to commend it, though, for taking a brave anti-deforestation procuring cancer stance.

Elliott Kalan

[36:30] Not a lot of movies are willing to go off on that ledge.

[36:33] Yeah.

[36:33] It's a tough call.

[36:34] Oh, man.

[36:35] Let's talk about it.

[36:36] Someone mentioned an anti-war movie once to me.

[36:40] I forget which one it was.

[36:41] And they were like, wow.

[36:42] And it was like, really?

[36:44] They took that brave stance.

[36:45] Like, the person was really in awe of this anti-war film.

[36:47] Like, hmm, they came out against war.

[36:49] Okay, well.

Stuart Wellington

[36:50] I commend them for it.

[36:52] I think it was a sappy rock song about why you shouldn't beat up your wife.

[36:55] How it's bad.

[36:56] I'm like, no shit.

[36:57] Really?

[36:58] Thanks, Third Eye Blind.

[37:00] Or, I don't know.

[37:01] Nickelback?

[37:02] Nickelback?

[37:03] I think that's a better band.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] I believe it's the same band with different names.

[37:07] It's like Chris Gaines and Garth Brooks.

[37:09] Matchbox 20?

Dan McCoy

[37:10] That's a band, right?

[37:12] Yeah.

[37:13] It is, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] Good job.

[37:14] All right.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] You're confused about a band that's been around for about 13 years.

[37:18] Let me check the internet.

[37:21] I'm just getting ready for being an old man.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] I think you're there.

[37:24] I know.

[37:24] I think you've gotten ready.

[37:26] Is it someone?

[37:27] I stopped by your house once when I was walking in the neighborhood, and it was about 3 o'clock

[37:30] on Sunday, and you were in your pajamas.

Dan McCoy

[37:32] I don't know if that's old man stuff.

[37:35] I mean, like, a responsible adult would have been up since 6 a.m.

[37:40] accomplishing many things.

[37:42] Whereas I was busy putting CDs on my iPod.

[37:46] I'm watching Medicine Man.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] Oh, this is best work after Zardoz.

Dan McCoy

[37:54] What about The Avengers?

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] The Avengers, he does good work in also, and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

[37:59] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[38:00] Yep.

[38:00] Those are all bad movies.

[38:02] With Sean Connery in them.

[38:04] We're good at listing bad Sean Connery films.

[38:07] Entrapment.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] Entrapment.

Elliott Kalan

[38:09] Entrapment's one of the few movies that was sold on the, that they're implying in the

[38:13] commercials, you'll get to see Catherine Zeta-Jones' butt with pants on.

[38:19] It was sold on one shot of her butt.

[38:21] I don't think they were implying that.

[38:23] I think they were expressly saying that.

[38:24] But like, it was never implied like, she might get naked in this movie.

[38:27] It was just, look at this, see what you can see in the movie again, but bigger.

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] She's going to be sneaking under a laser.

[38:36] Wish she'd be sneaking under your laser, son.

Dan McCoy

[38:38] Hey, buddy.

[38:40] Hey, that was a successful ad campaign.

[38:42] It was a very successful ad campaign.

[38:44] No, not again.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] Entrapment, that's police talk.

[38:46] You should have said blackmail.

[38:48] No, entrapment is a term people use all the time.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] You're going to get sued by whoever writes those Sean Connery movies.

[38:57] All right, come on.

[38:58] Let's talk about good movies, movies that we want to recommend.

[39:02] Does anyone want to volunteer to talk about a good movie first?

[39:04] Or I've got a couple this week, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[39:07] Maybe you should go first then.

Dan McCoy

[39:09] Well, one movie I saw, and this was at the recommendation, I'll give a shout out.

[39:14] This is a recommendation of Matt Bird.

[39:16] He was talking about how he discovered that he...

[39:22] Stuart and Matt often spar about movies.

[39:26] They don't have the same tastes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:28] I like it if you describe it as them sparring.

[39:30] I imagine at some point the phrase,

[39:32] Avast ye, is said during the...

Dan McCoy

[39:34] I think you would enjoy this movie, Stuart.

[39:37] He discovered that they have the Fox Movie Channel.

[39:40] It's a good channel.

[39:40] Which is something that I had known for some time, but he was talking about...

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] That's a channel where you can say in the afternoon,

[39:47] I would like to see The Ghost and Mrs. Muir again.

[39:49] And then Porky's Revenge.

[39:51] Oh, they're back-to-back?

Dan McCoy

[39:52] This is great.

[39:54] And Porky's Revenge is also back-to-back with Porky's 2 the next day.

[39:58] That's the other thing.

[39:58] If you want to see two Porky's movies in a row...

Elliott Kalan

[40:00] And then Porky's 2 the next day is back-to-back with All Quiet on the Western Front.

[40:04] It's like, oh, this is a great movie from the 30s.

[40:06] Oh, okay, great.

[40:07] Turk 182.

[40:08] Just one of the guys is up next.

[40:11] I just snorted.

Dan McCoy

[40:13] True enough.

[40:14] But I was watching...

[40:15] He recommended The Laughing Policeman, starring Walter Matthau.

[40:19] And Walter Matthau, known mainly for comedy, but during the 70s, people were like,

[40:24] Let's put Walter Matthau in some thrillers.

[40:26] And he made some great thrillers.

[40:28] The taking of Pelham 123, which I know...

[40:30] Fantastic movie.

[40:30] ...is a great favorite of yours.

Elliott Kalan

[40:32] I think one of the best, most awesomest movies ever.

Dan McCoy

[40:35] What's the other one?

[40:36] The one where he was like a thief.

[40:39] Oh, you're thinking of Charlie Varick.

[40:40] Charlie Varick.

Elliott Kalan

[40:41] Which is not as good, but it's still pretty good.

[40:43] Still very good.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] That's the one where he's like catnip to women.

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] Women can't get enough of Walter Matthau in Charlie Varick.

[40:50] And it's so weird because he doesn't do anything different.

[40:53] He's just the same guy.

[40:54] But women love him.

Dan McCoy

[40:56] It's a malign paradigm shift.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] The Laughing Policeman is a movie I've never seen that I've wanted to see.

Dan McCoy

[41:01] Oh, it's very good.

[41:02] It's not as good, I think, as either of those two movies.

[41:05] But it's still very good.

[41:07] And it's funny, like it's him and it's Bruce Dern.

[41:10] And it's one of these movies where you're like,

[41:11] When but in the 1970s would they be like,

[41:14] Let's make a cop thriller and let's make the two leads,

[41:17] Walter Matthau and Bruce Dern.

Elliott Kalan

[41:18] When, except the 70s, would they make a movie and say,

[41:21] Let's make the two leads, Walter Matthau and Bruce Dern?

[41:23] Yeah, exactly.

[41:24] This was in an era when Elliot Gould could open a movie successfully.

Dan McCoy

[41:28] Yeah, and it's so, I mean, you know,

[41:29] And it's, the director is the guy who did Cool Hand Luke.

[41:33] And it's long on atmosphere and long on sort of the mundane police procedural stuff.

[41:40] But it's also the most 1970s movie you can imagine.

[41:44] It's got Louis Gossett Jr.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Every scene starts with him holding up a newspaper and saying,

[41:49] Look at that date.

[41:51] December 14th, 1972.

Dan McCoy

[41:54] Well, aside from Matthau and an extravagantly-

[41:56] Who are you voting for?

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] President Nixon?

[41:58] Really?

[41:59] I'm going to vote for McGovern.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Aside from Matthau and an extravagantly mustachioed Bruce Dern.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] I can't wait until Star Wars comes out.

Dan McCoy

[42:06] Anyway, you're saying.

[42:07] And they had Louis Gossett Jr. putting the smackdown on a jive-talking pimp.

[42:13] There's a scene, there's like an inexplicable scene in the middle where they go to talk to the Hells Angels who are their like connection for like weapons.

[42:22] It's just really great.

[42:23] I mean, not a great movie to watch if you are offended by the 1970s views on homosexuality.

[42:31] It won't win any GLAAD awards.

[42:34] But if you can put your mind-

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] So there aren't any good uses of trash bags in the movie.

[42:37] I'm just saying that, you know-

[42:39] Get it GLAAD?

[42:39] Anyway, you were saying?

[42:41] Woo-hoo.

[42:42] A material.

[42:43] It's my A material.

[42:44] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[42:45] I'm going to stop talking about this movie.

[42:47] You've taken all the wind out of my sleeves.

[42:48] I'm sorry.

[42:49] But you're saying it's good.

[42:50] It's good.

[42:50] And also, I want to mention, I watched, my wife bought a, her company had a sale where a bunch of, among other things, a bunch of really cheap DVDs were on sale.

[43:01] And she picked up the Peter Sellers box set for like two bucks.

[43:04] And you know what?

[43:05] The Peter Sellers box set made up of not great Peter Sellers movies.

[43:09] It's got What's New Pussycat and Casino Royale, known for being not very good and very awful, the two of those.

[43:18] The Pink Panther, probably actually one of the lesser Pink Panther films.

[43:22] The original Pink Panther.

[43:25] But also, I watched The Party, which I enjoyed quite a lot, despite outside of Short Circuit being maybe the most stereotypical portrayal of an Indian person by a white actor.

[43:36] But it also had a lot of fun, you know.

[43:38] It was a good sound era throwback to silent films.

[43:42] And it felt like The Laughing Policeman, completely of its time.

[43:46] Like a totally 1960s film.

[43:47] So I enjoyed both of those.

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] Considering it involves a party at a Hollywood mansion, which is broken up by hippies parading a painted elephant.

[43:56] That's pretty 60s.

[43:58] Yeah.

[43:59] I used some footage from that today at work.

Dan McCoy

[44:00] Also, constant Mancini music.

[44:04] You did?

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] Yeah.

[44:04] Well, because for this thing about the orgy that Governor Spitzer's going to throw before he gets out of all this.

[44:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] This does not count as a Daily Show spoiler because Daily Show will have aired long before this podcast comes out.

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] That bit will actually air in about six minutes.

[44:18] Maybe less.

Dan McCoy

[44:19] Well, let's stop the podcast and watch it, shall we?

[44:20] No, let's not.

[44:21] Let's not.

[44:22] Let's not.

[44:23] All right.

[44:24] Well, let's go on.

[44:25] Anyone else have a recommendation?

Stuart Wellington

[44:26] I don't know if I'd say I'd super recommend either of these, but I watched two movies recently.

[44:32] Do tell.

[44:33] Earlier.

[44:34] Hey.

[44:35] So, I watched Live Free, Die Hard, and there was a lot of explosions, and the internet was really important.

[44:42] As it is in daily life.

[44:44] It's a big world.

[44:46] The thing that I was obsessed with the movie, the thing that I just couldn't get over is the fact that there's a point where Timothy Oliphant, the bad guy.

[44:53] Star of Hitman.

[44:54] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[44:55] He, uh, he, like, tells some, like, jet fighter, like, F-16 jet fighter, that, like, the semi truck that Bruce Willis is driving is a terrorist, and so they should blow it up.

[45:05] And this fucking F-16 dude, like, the guy driving this fucking jet fighter is the craziest hot dog I've ever seen.

[45:11] Like, he's, like, he's, like, going underneath fucking overpasses and shit on the highway, and, like, he gets the whole, he gets his fucking jet exploded because he's, like, fucking, like, ten feet away from the semi trailer,

[45:23] underneath an overpass, and a big chunk of concrete falls on the jet turbine and blows it up.

[45:28] And I just can, like, imagine this guy thinking as he ejects, like, ooh, mission accomplished.

Dan McCoy

[45:33] That's what makes America's Air Force great.

Stuart Wellington

[45:38] So, uh, yeah, that was really good.

[45:41] And then last night I watched a movie that I'm not quite sure how I feel about, and that was the William Friedkin thriller Bug.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] Oh, I've heard, that's a movie that looked so stupid, and then it got really good reviews, and I was surprised by it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:55] Yeah, it's, um, I wouldn't necessarily say it's stupid.

[45:58] It's also not, like, amazing.

[46:00] It's just kind of, like, it's got some atmosphere.

[46:03] It's kind of creepy, and there's not a lot of, like, like, actually Judd doesn't look that hot in it, even though she's naked.

[46:09] And I think you see her bush.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] So, they should have called the movie Bush, and it would have done a lot better business.

Dan McCoy

[46:16] You're always good for a nude scene report, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[46:18] Yeah, well, that's important.

[46:20] Oh, Live Free, Die Hard.

[46:21] Took me a while, but I figured out.

[46:23] The girl who plays John McClane's daughter is one of the girls from the Death Proof segment of Grindhouse.

[46:30] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[46:30] Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

[46:32] Which one is that?

[46:33] The cute one in the cheerleader outfit.

Stuart Wellington

[46:36] As opposed to all the ugly ones.

Dan McCoy

[46:38] As opposed to the hideous women in that.

[46:40] I like, I've got a thing for, like, big-eyed, dark-eyed runettes with bangs.

[46:47] Dressed like cheerleaders.

[46:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] In Quentin Tarantino films.

[46:52] Very specific.

Dan McCoy

[46:53] Yeah, well, that's why I have to pay $5,500 for a prostitute.

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] Topical.

[47:00] It won't be by the time this podcast comes in.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] This podcast is ripped from last week's headlines.

[47:04] Can I, as a summary then, Live Free, Die Hard, eh?

[47:09] Bug, eh?

Elliott Kalan

[47:13] That's the best rating system ever.

[47:15] We should switch up the whole rating system.

[47:17] The most nuanced rating system.

[47:19] To that.

[47:20] It's like Chinese.

[47:22] A completely, two completely different words there.

Dan McCoy

[47:27] Noise inflection-based rating system.

Stuart Wellington

[47:30] Eh.

[47:31] Eh.

[47:31] Okay, Elliot.

[47:34] Fucking the pressure's on, dude.

[47:36] The pressure is on.

[47:36] Let me tell you.

[47:37] Have you watched any movies?

[47:38] Oh, I've watched a ton of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[47:39] The problem is I watch so many movies that I forget them almost as soon as I watch them.

[47:43] But I can name two that I watched recently that I liked that I can recommend to different

[47:47] type of people.

[47:48] One was the Barbara Stanwyck Henry Fonda murder mystery comedy, The Mad Miss Manton, which is

[47:55] not as well known, I guess, as it should be because I thought it was really funny.

[48:00] And there's one scene in particular that's very sexy and very intimate between the two

[48:04] of them in the middle of this really funny, just kind of slapsticky crazy movie where Barbara

[48:08] Stanwyck is basically a rich airhead who gets into trouble and witnesses a murder and no

[48:14] one believes her because she's famous for causing shenanigans as rich people did in the 30s.

[48:19] And she and her group of airhead rich women have to solve this murder.

[48:23] And Henry Fonda's a reporter who first, the thing usually in these movies, the woman is

[48:27] in love with the man and the man's like, get away from me, you're crazy.

[48:30] And the woman wins him up, wins him over in this one.

[48:32] Henry Fonda hates her, then abruptly turns and is like, I love this woman.

[48:36] I'm going to marry her.

[48:37] And she wants nothing to do with him.

[48:39] And they're just these great moments where he is all about, we're going to get married.

[48:43] This is great.

[48:44] I love you forever.

[48:44] And she's like, I don't even know you that well.

[48:46] What?

[48:46] It just really, it's funny the way they do it.

[48:49] But I'm not, I'm not selling it really.

[48:51] But there's one scene where she's lying in bed in a hospital, I think, and he's come to

[48:56] visit her and he lights a cigarette that's in her mouth and it's all very sweet.

[49:00] And then he's looking out a window and they just have this conversation that has jokes

[49:03] in it.

[49:04] But the way they deliver it is very natural.

[49:06] And it's like this nice, funny moment, but it's not like funny, like, ah, that's the

[49:10] way it happened.

[49:11] Womp, womp, womp.

[49:12] But it's funny, like, oh, these sounds like jokes that could be delivered from one person

[49:16] to another across a hospital room.

[49:18] And the other movie, I'm actually near the end right now of Robert Altman's Kansas City.

[49:23] I've been watching movies in pieces.

[49:24] And I have to say that I'm not enjoying it as much as I would have liked.

[49:27] Okay.

[49:28] A Robert Altman movie set in the 30s, which involves gangsters and jazz music and a kidnapping

[49:34] and Jennifer Jason Leigh talking like this.

[49:36] Yeah.

[49:37] Hey, get over there, Palooka.

[49:38] Well, let's go.

[49:39] And I, you know, I thought this is going to be great.

[49:41] And it's, it's very much a movie that Robert Altman seems to be not interested in.

[49:46] It's obvious he wanted to make a movie about...

[49:48] Like the gingerbread man.

[49:49] He wanted to make a movie about jazz musicians.

[49:52] And I was like, I guess I need a plot for this movie about jazz musicians.

[49:55] So I'll have a kidnapping, but no one really seems to worry about it that much.

[49:58] And then there's a lot of scenes of jazz musicians playing.

[50:01] What struck me was that this came out, I guess, in the mid 90s.

[50:04] And it's with tons of period cars, period outfits.

[50:07] All the buildings are from the period.

[50:09] So it's like, is this the last big budget movie Robert Altman made?

[50:13] Like this is post The Player and the others, the only movies I can think of after that

[50:17] besides Gingerbread Man or like Cookies Fortune or, you know, Dr. T and the Women, The Company,

[50:23] like very small scale films.

[50:25] Even...

[50:25] Gosford Park.

[50:27] Gosford Park.

[50:27] Well, Gosford Park's a little bigger budget, I guess.

[50:29] But even that, like, they don't need that many sets.

[50:31] It just takes place in the one house.

[50:32] Like, Robert Altman, did you throw away your last big budget on this movie that you didn't

[50:36] seem to care that much about?

Dan McCoy

[50:37] So the ghost of Robert Altman.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] So I'd have to say, using this new rating system, Kansas City.

[50:44] Eh.

[50:44] Madness Mountain.

[50:45] Eh.

[50:47] You're getting it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:48] That's pretty good.

[50:49] Well...

[50:50] A couple more podcasts and then you'll be right.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] A couple more podcasts and this will sweep the nation.

[50:54] Nice.

[50:54] I want to...

[50:54] You'll see...

[50:55] Around the water cooler.

[50:56] You'll see movie reviews that's in big letters say, eh, and then like parentheses, in

[51:01] a good way.

[51:02] Right.

[51:02] The Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[51:03] At the water cooler, people will be like, did you see...

[51:06] What's that game show with the briefcases?

[51:09] Deal or No Deal?

[51:10] Yeah.

[51:11] They'll be like, did you see Deal or No Deal?

[51:13] Eh?

[51:15] Just like that.

[51:16] They're like, well, I thought it was more of a eh.

[51:18] You get it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:19] Oh, I thought of another movie I saw.

[51:21] I saw the movie Far From Heaven, the Todd Haynes film.

[51:24] And I guess it gets across the point really well that the 1950s were not a great time for

[51:29] black people or gay people.

[51:31] So, if you were under the impression it were...

[51:32] Another moral that we really needed to...

[51:34] Go see that movie.

[51:35] I'm glad I took a stand on that one.

[51:38] I'm boldly taking a stand against gay people and black people being oppressed in the 50s.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] I don't want us to go over time again because last time it resulted in us losing some more

[51:47] audio file.

[51:47] Some fucking choice shit.

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] Ironically, that was the good podcast.

Dan McCoy

[51:50] Yeah.

[51:51] Yeah.

[51:51] Oh, man.

[51:52] You could only have heard that.

[51:53] I gotta cut it out.

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] It's reminding me too much of the home improvement sound effects made by Tim Allen.

Dan McCoy

[52:01] Quickly, I want to run down the business and then we can get out of here.

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] Get out of the internet.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] I want to say visit theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com.

[52:14] Once you're there, you'll notice that we have a new logo courtesy of my brother, John, who

[52:19] designed it.

[52:20] Thank you, John, for letting me take advantage of you and not pay you for it.

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] There's a lot of good, solid American names in your family.

[52:28] Dan McCoy.

[52:29] John McCoy.

[52:30] Robert.

[52:30] Robert McCoy.

[52:31] Yeah.

[52:32] These are the names I would expect to see on, like, signs on small businesses.

Dan McCoy

[52:36] Well, I'll commend my parents when I see them next.

[52:38] Also, once you're there, there's Flophouse forums that you can sign up for and discuss

[52:43] the shows or leave us a comment.

[52:45] Write theflophouse at gmail.com if you have any feedback.

[52:48] We might address it on the air.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] That was the Flophouse podcast.

Dan McCoy

[52:52] The Flophouse podcast at gmail.com.

[52:54] You're right.

[52:54] I screwed it up last time.

[52:56] The Flophouse podcast at gmail.com.

Elliott Kalan

[52:57] So much fan mail that's just going by the wayside.

[53:00] I know.

[53:00] That's going to that flaccid penis fetish website.

[53:03] The Flophouse.

[53:05] A lot of people talk about our podcast is being so great.

[53:07] We still can't get the podcast thing up.

[53:10] I guess they like pictures of flaccid penises.

Dan McCoy

[53:12] Lastly, I want to say, if you've enjoyed the show in the past, but the thing that's been

[53:16] holding you back from recommending it to your friends has been the shitty sound quality.

[53:21] Now that we have three microphones, I want you to go out and tell everyone you know to

[53:25] listen to the podcast.

[53:26] And you know what else?

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] Until Dan listens to this and realizes the three of us just have terrible voices.

[53:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] Well, that could be it.

[53:32] But also, go to Podcast Alley and vote for us because I'll tell you what.

[53:35] I went there.

[53:36] I went there and you can search.

[53:38] You can see what the top or...

[53:39] You can do that on the internet?

[53:42] You can go there and you can see what the top podcasts are by category.

[53:47] And so, in the comedy categories, the top podcasts for March, we're ranked at 101.

[53:54] Ah.

[53:55] Holy shit.

[53:56] So close.

[53:56] Now, do you want to guess, do you want to hazard a guess for the number, the top number, the

[54:02] absolute highest number of podcasts that can be listed on one screen at a time is...

[54:08] I'm guessing 100.

[54:08] Yes, it is 100.

Elliott Kalan

[54:10] What's the number one highest rated podcast?

[54:12] Just like the Dane Cook podcast or something?

Dan McCoy

[54:14] We don't want to...

[54:15] Zabba, zabba.

[54:15] We don't want to promote...

[54:17] Because I want to listen to that one.

[54:18] It's probably great.

[54:19] You're losing the script.

[54:20] The point is...

[54:21] It's a bad movie podcast with the guys.

[54:24] If just a couple of people go there and vote for us, we can finally get bumped up to that

[54:28] 100 page.

[54:30] Maybe we'll be at number 88.

[54:32] Maybe number 87.

[54:33] Can we quit our jobs then?

[54:35] Yeah, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] That's how the internet works.

[54:37] Awesome.

[54:37] If you have any listeners in Michigan or Florida, this is a chance for their vote to count.

[54:41] Yeah.

[54:42] The one chance this year.

[54:43] Topical.

[54:43] But...

[54:44] They can vote in the general election.

[54:45] Nope.

[54:46] Nope.

Dan McCoy

[54:47] I'm taking that power away just so they'll vote for this.

[54:51] And the thing is, if you voted in the past, unlike the general election, you can vote

[54:54] a couple times.

[54:55] You can vote once a month.

[54:56] So I would recommend that if you enjoy the show, you go back every month and you vote.

[55:00] That's all I'm saying.

[55:01] And send us emails with pictures.

[55:03] Yeah.

[55:04] Send Stuart emails with pictures.

[55:05] At theflophousepodcast.gmail.com.

[55:10] So anyway...

[55:10] It's theflophousepodcast.gmail.com.

[55:14] Because I wanted it to be the longest and most ungainly email address.

Elliott Kalan

[55:18] The email people get tired of typing halfway through and decide they didn't want to send

[55:22] that letter all that much.

[55:23] Fuck it.

[55:24] Fuck those jerks.

[55:25] Theflop.

[55:26] Huh.

[55:27] How much more of this address is there?

[55:29] I feel busy.

Dan McCoy

[55:30] I've fallen asleep.

[55:32] Oh.

[55:32] I'm walking around the hospital all of a sudden.

[55:36] Anyway, on that note of tying it all together, I'd like to say that I've been Dan McCoy.

[55:42] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[55:43] I continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[55:45] Thanks for listening to The Flophouse.

[55:47] Good night.

[55:54] So a few things that I'd like to say now that we've got these extra microphones.

[56:01] Yeah.

[56:02] Number one...

Stuart Wellington

[56:03] Check, check, check, check.

[56:05] I want to say that a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] Sibilance.

[56:09] Yeah?

Dan McCoy

[56:09] Check.

[56:10] Um, recommend number one, putting your drink on the floor or some other place.

Elliott Kalan

[56:15] Or in your belly.

[56:17] It's not that much harder to pick it up from the floor.

[56:19] Number two...

[56:21] I'm fucking going to be a little soldier.

The Flop House: Episode Twelve - Awake

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