The Flop House: Episode #23 - Wild Hogs

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss wild hogs.

[0:03] It's like city slickers with twice as much leather.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:34] I'm Dan McCoy.

S3

[0:36] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:37] I'm Rich Duncan.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] Yes, Elliot has returned from his exodus covering the conventions with The Daily Show.

[0:46] However, Stuart now is gone.

[0:49] Apparently we cannot have all three of us in the same room anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] The new Flophouse rule that there cannot be all three Flophousians in one place at the one time.

Dan McCoy

[0:57] What is this bitter feud that you have with Stuart, Elliot?

[0:59] Stuart's a great guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] It's not my fault if he refuses to be seen with me.

[1:04] He's just wearing his scorpion belt buckle somewhere else right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:07] He does have a very large belt buckle that has a scorpion in it.

[1:11] It's awesome.

[1:11] When I say a scorpion, we mean one that used to be alive.

[1:14] Like a real scorpion.

[1:15] An actual scorpion.

[1:16] In like a glass bubble.

[1:17] Imagine there was a scorpion paperweight and then imagine that that paperweight was on a belt.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Stuart, I'm sure, would feel like he missed nothing from this movie since there was no female nudity.

[1:29] Yeah, definitely.

[1:29] And it was terrible.

[1:30] And nothing blew up.

[1:31] No, actually, that's not true.

[1:32] There was one explosion.

[1:33] This is my second time I've been on the...

Dan McCoy

[1:34] Yeah, we should briefly reintroduce Rich to the Flophouse audience.

[1:37] Rich was with us for Good Luck Chuck.

S3

[1:39] Oh, right.

[1:40] I blocked that out.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] He was the editor of Just Magazine.

[1:44] You only get the bad comedies.

[1:46] He's a stand-up.

[1:48] He's currently writing a comedic book about werewolves.

[1:51] Yes.

[1:52] And yeah, he apparently is the guy we call when we're going to watch a comedy, which is a bad thing.

[1:57] Because as you probably know, if you're a bad movie aficionado, a bad horror film or a sci-fi or a thriller, often very funny.

[2:06] Bad comedy is usually painful.

[2:08] Yeah.

S3

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] Well, that's the thing is, you see, it works both ways, where a bad horror movie will change into a good comedy because you have the same tension and release in horror and comedy.

[2:20] It's very similar to the way those two film genres work.

[2:23] However, when you are expecting a comedy and it goes backwards and it turns into horrible, then you didn't want horror and it's horrifying.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] Pardon me while I belch.

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] It's a regular Algonquin roundtable here at the Flophouse.

[2:39] Ah, yeah.

[2:40] Have another witty bon mot there, Dan.

[2:42] Shut up.

[2:44] But what movie did we watch today, Mr. McCoy?

Dan McCoy

[2:46] We watched Wild Hogs, a star-studded vehicle.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] This is one of the most star-studded movies we've seen.

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:53] With, I think, one star in it that I think we can all agree we like and others that we don't.

[2:58] We may have mixed opinions on it.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Let's announce the four stars and then you, the podcast listener, in your brain can guess who we liked and then we'll reveal it.

[3:07] So this movie starred Tim Allen.

[3:10] John Travolta.

[3:11] Martin Lawrence.

[3:12] And William H. Macy.

[3:15] So take a moment to ponder.

[3:17] What are we pondering again?

[3:19] Who, out of the four of them, who we thought was passable in this film.

[3:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:24] But there were a lot of, there were a lot of smaller parts also played by stars.

Dan McCoy

[3:27] Yeah, there was a...

[3:28] Ray Liotta.

[3:30] Marissa Tomei.

[3:32] Steven...

[3:32] The Sklar brothers.

[3:33] I don't know if those are...

[3:34] The Sklar brothers.

S3

[3:34] Those are stars to us.

Dan McCoy

[3:35] Yeah, twin comedians.

[3:37] Very funny stand-ups.

[3:39] Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:41] Steven Toblerowski, the actor's name.

[3:43] KG.

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] The dude from Scrubs.

[3:45] Oh, yeah.

[3:45] John C. McGinley.

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:47] KG from Tenacious D.

[3:48] In an all-singing...

[3:49] A galaxy of stars.

[3:50] A galaxy of...

[3:52] As I was saying, we were watching it.

[3:53] It seemed like there was the regular director who wanted to make a shitty movie.

[3:56] And then, like, an assistant director who was like, I'll just hire a lot of comedy people.

[4:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] Let's get some cult figures in here.

[4:03] Yeah.

[4:03] Hey, KG from Tenacious D.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] Why don't you show up as a guy who just sings in shots that are completely unrelated to the

[4:10] rest of what's going on in the movie?

Dan McCoy

[4:11] Yeah, sort of like a gay western disco.

[4:14] That'd be funny.

S3

[4:16] It's not in contrast to the other gay jokes, though.

[4:18] This was packed with gay jokes.

[4:20] And then there was one other gay joke that seemed to rise above the rest.

Dan McCoy

[4:23] Yeah.

[4:23] Well, as you said, Rich, this movie was a lot of montages of motorcycling through the country.

[4:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] Motorcycling.

[4:30] That's the verb, right?

[4:31] Motorcycling?

[4:32] Yeah, motorcycling.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] And in between, there was a lot of gay panic humor.

[4:36] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] Where, I mean, I don't know why...

[4:38] I saw that movie, Gay Panic.

[4:41] It's one of the 60s where the terrorists were going to set off the gay bomb.

[4:45] It was going to turn everybody gay.

[4:47] There was a panic.

[4:48] And then Walter Matthau and Bruce Dern were able to discover its location.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] Ernest Borgnine was terrifying.

[4:54] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] The leader of the gay terrorists.

[4:57] The taking of gay panic, one, two, three.

Dan McCoy

[4:59] Ernest Borgnine in all pink.

[5:01] Yeah.

[5:02] Yeah, that was the sort of level of homosexual humor.

[5:05] You could expect from wild hogs.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] Well, you can understand the movie about four guys who are vaguely dissatisfied with their

[5:09] middle-aged life, who take a motorcycle trip, cross-country wearing leather, and are caught

[5:14] in a series of situations that imply that they're gay.

Dan McCoy

[5:17] And then they vociferously deny their gayness.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] And honestly...

[5:21] But the movie takes a bizarre left turn when they piss off some bikers and get punched

[5:24] in the face like a million times.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] I think that this movie would make a lot more sense if you read it for subtext and you just

[5:31] believed that these are actually four gay men who are coming to terms with their sexuality.

[5:37] And to that end, they take a trip across country.

[5:40] But yeah, I could see that.

S3

[5:41] Well, similar to my theory that Jaws 2 would be a better movie if there was no shark in it.

[5:45] And it was just Roy Scheider insisting that there was a shark this time and it was post-traumatic

[5:51] stress disorder the entire time and it turned out there was no shark.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] So like A Curse of the Cat People to Jaws...

[5:56] The first Jaws is cat people.

[5:58] There's no actual cat people in the second movie.

S3

[6:01] I didn't know that.

[6:01] I hadn't seen...

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] It's just about a little girl's overactive imagination.

S3

[6:05] That's exactly what Jaws 2 should have been.

[6:07] Well, we're getting off topic from Wild Hogs, which I think is...

[6:09] I think we'll get off topic.

[6:11] We'll circle back.

[6:11] Yeah.

[6:12] I think that if these guys actually were gay men the entire time and that they had been

[6:19] engaging in gay sex acts that would then be revealed in a big flashback, although all

[6:24] I'm doing is getting around to the idea of this is how Wild Hogs would be better.

[6:28] And an exercise of how...

[6:29] There's so many.

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:30] If William H. Macy were to catch fire and die, that would make it, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] Well, there were occasional jokes where they went very big in terms of like

[6:38] crazy things happening, like John Travolta being hit in the face by a raven while he

[6:43] was driving his motorcycle, where it was like, oh, somebody had a sense of humor who worked

[6:48] on this.

[6:48] But otherwise, it was a lot of, you know...

[6:50] But he...

S3

[6:52] But I...

[6:52] No!

[6:54] You know, and so forth.

[6:56] But without the funny sound effects.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:58] I was kind of wondering, before we started recording, do you think the screenplay of

[7:01] Wild Hogs was written and then these guys read it and were like, I gotta be in this

[7:05] project?

[7:05] Or Disney or whoever made it said, listen, we have Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin

[7:10] Lawrence, and William H. Macy under contract.

[7:12] Someone write an idea.

[7:14] Someone write a movie around these...

Dan McCoy

[7:15] It could possibly encompass...

[7:16] I thought for a second that you'd be like, Wild Hogs was floating around.

[7:19] It was like...

[7:20] I said for years.

[7:21] It was like a Shane...

[7:21] It was like a Shane Black screenplay.

[7:22] Someone had bid like millions of dollars for the screenplay.

[7:25] Yeah.

[7:25] It was a gold screenplay.

[7:26] And they're like, alright, give me a list of four middle-aged actors.

[7:31] Three Caucasian, one black.

[7:34] And we're gonna put them in a zany road picture comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] Or like...

[7:38] It was like the script for Unforgiven where it had been around for about 20 years.

[7:41] And then finally the right people picked it up.

[7:43] Except it was a terrible script as opposed to the one for Unforgiven.

S3

[7:46] Well, this was...

[7:47] It was a radical comedy experiment where they're like, alright, what if there's four straight men...

[7:51] And no jokes.

[7:52] All out on the road.

[7:54] And they're all just constantly setting up a potentially humorous situation.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Well, I think you've reached one of the main problems of the movie, which is that every one of them had the same personality and no...

[8:03] Except for William H. Macy, who was the nerd.

[8:04] Well, let's start at the beginning.

S3

[8:05] And Martin Lawrence, who was the vaguely black guy.

[8:07] He also couldn't stand up to women, which would have been easier to ascertain if there were any women in the film that he could not stand up to.

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] One woman he glanced at earlier in the film, and then his voice-activated Mac laptop misheard him and started looking up very loud porn sites.

[8:22] This is Martin Lawrence I'm talking about.

[8:23] Oh, Martin Lawrence.

[8:24] Oh, yeah, well, they showed him being yelled at by his wife.

[8:27] Well, he worked on his how-to book, which they never explained what it was about.

[8:31] That's right.

[8:31] Yeah, how to do what?

[8:32] His wife goes, listen, I know your how-to book will be a big hit, but you need to start making money.

[8:38] It's like, what?

[8:38] You can't just say a how-to book and expect us...

Dan McCoy

[8:40] Look, Ellie, you don't realize America has a real thirst to learn how-to.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] I guess you're right.

S3

[8:45] I've always wanted to know how-to.

[8:47] That might have been the through line of truth, though, in the movie, where the person who wrote this was actually attempting to write a how-to book.

[8:54] And somehow wrote Wild Hogs?

[8:55] Yes, instead, while procrastinating from writing his how-to book.

[8:58] How to write a hit.

[8:59] But did you want to circle back around and do the plot again?

Dan McCoy

[9:02] No, I wanted to start from the beginning so we don't lose the audience.

[9:06] Because Wild Hogs has so many ins and so many outs.

[9:09] So many ins.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] Yeah.

[9:10] It goes Wild Hogs on the levels of complexity.

[9:14] It goes Last Year at Marion Bad, Wild Hogs, and then I guess, what, Woman in the Dunes or El Topo?

[9:22] In terms of complexity and hardness to penetrate.

[9:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:26] So this movie starts out with, there's four guys.

[9:29] Who own motorcycles.

[9:30] Played by your favorite actors.

S3

[9:33] They do own motorcycles.

[9:35] And leather jackets.

[9:35] And are part of a motorcycle gang called Wild Hogs.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] They already have leather jackets with the logo and name on it.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] Any film viewer.

[9:42] Someone who's seen mainstream Hollywood movies over the past 20 or 30 years.

[9:46] Let's say 45 years.

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:47] You might believe that something drives these characters to become a motorcycle gang.

[9:53] Called the Wild Hogs.

[9:53] Yeah.

[9:54] No.

[9:54] Once we join them, they're already a wimpy motorcycle gang.

[9:58] They're already a suburban motorcycle gang of four middle-aged guys.

[10:01] One of whom cannot ride his motorcycle.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] So here's the way I would have structured this movie.

[10:04] I would have had these four guys who are friends explain how they became friends.

[10:08] Because they're really very, you know, they don't explain it ever.

[10:11] And they're not that, they're similar in that they have no personality.

[10:13] But otherwise they're not similar.

[10:15] Different socioeconomic backgrounds.

[10:17] Different ethnic groups and so forth.

[10:19] I would have had them lament how boring their lives are.

[10:22] And then one of them would have seen that four motorcycles were for sale across the street at the motorcycle warehouse.

[10:28] And they, come on guys, let's join a motorcycle gang.

[10:31] We've always wanted to do this.

[10:32] And you know what?

[10:33] Born to be wild starts playing.

[10:34] And somehow they see like two signs.

[10:37] Like one says like wild animal park.

[10:39] And then like a hogs truck backs up in front of the sign.

[10:41] There you go.

[10:42] And it says wild hogs.

[10:42] That should be our name.

[10:44] And then Born to be Wild starts playing and they drive off.

[10:46] Like you would, the inciting event of the movie should be them buying motorcycles and going on a bike trip.

S3

[10:51] But you're forgetting though that I think that it should be just the three friends.

[10:56] And then William H. Macy, who's the nerd that they all hate, is just fixing their computer.

[11:00] He sees there's a motorcycle.

[11:02] He joins to be in the gang.

[11:04] Nobody wants that guy.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] See, yeah, that would bring a dynamic that doesn't exist.

[11:08] Well, he, like because of his many hours on the internet where all information resides, he knows everything about motorcycle repair.

[11:16] So he becomes a valued member of the group.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] Instead what happens is these four friends already own motorcycles.

[11:21] They're already bad at driving them.

[11:23] William H. Macy falls off his all the time in ways that would kill a man or at least snap his neck in real life.

[11:29] Or another person.

[11:30] Yeah, we'll kill another person.

[11:31] A motorcycle flies into the street.

[11:32] No, he's a danger to.

[11:34] Yeah, it's a hazard.

[11:35] He should not be riding a motorcycle.

[11:36] But they're hanging out together and they're unhappy that they're not a real motorcycle gang.

[11:41] And then someone drops by with the news that Tom Peterson passed away.

[11:44] Who's Tom Peterson, Elliot?

[11:46] Tom Peterson.

[11:47] He was our age.

[11:48] Tom Peterson, as we learned from the dialogue, was their age and is now dead.

[11:51] He was never mentioned before and he will never be mentioned again.

[11:55] It's like just a name but they've conjured up this whole human figure who existed and is dead now just for the purpose of pushing the plot forward slightly.

[12:05] And there was something insulting to the idea of Tom Peterson in that.

[12:08] But they didn't even – I mean they still wanted to go on the trip before Tom Peterson died.

[12:11] Oh, yeah.

[12:11] They were going to go on the trip before Tom Peterson died.

[12:13] Tom Peterson pushed Tim Allen over the edge.

Dan McCoy

[12:16] He's like, oh, well, if Tom Peterson died then –

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Oh, man, Tom Peterson.

[12:19] We don't know what his relationship is to Tim Allen.

[12:21] We don't know how they do it.

Dan McCoy

[12:23] He was always talking about taking a trip across country.

[12:25] This is in honor of Tom Peterson.

[12:27] Tom – like –

[12:28] At the end of Wild Hogs, there should have been in memoriam of Tom Peterson.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] But they don't even tell you how he died is the other thing.

[12:33] You just know that he could have died because a safe fell on his head, you know, like – or because –

[12:39] No, I think they would have kept that in.

[12:40] Yeah, maybe.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] This is also something that bothers me.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] Maybe he committed suicide.

[12:43] Like, I don't know.

[12:44] I know what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[12:44] This is sort of a city slickers setup where it's like these men have sort of like midlife onks.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] Let's call them city slickers for lack of a better term.

Dan McCoy

[12:52] These city slickers who have no business being on a motorcycle, they have – they're unsatisfied with their lives.

[12:59] But their lives don't seem that bad.

[13:01] No.

[13:02] You know, like the worst of them is John Travolta who apparently is like – he has like this wife who has abandoned him and he's broke.

[13:10] And he's obese.

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] And he's –

[13:13] And he's –

[13:13] And he's gay and doesn't want to admit it.

[13:15] Yeah.

[13:15] He's a closeted gay man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] Who's losing his shape and any acting ability he once had.

S3

[13:21] I thought as an actor though it was amazing the way he wove into the performance that he was a closeted gay man.

[13:26] The script didn't mention it.

[13:27] It never called for it.

[13:28] But clearly he was a man who was obese and was gay and upset about it and he brought that to the role.

[13:33] That's method.

[13:33] Even though it didn't seem like it was mentioned in the script at all.

[13:36] That's your classic method.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] He's just, you know, using his own experiences to bring the character to life.

[13:40] What do you mean?

Dan McCoy

[13:42] No.

[13:43] No.

[13:44] And let me be clear.

[13:46] Although Wild Hogs was a strangely anti-gay movie, this is not an anti-gay podcast.

[13:52] In fact, I felt bad for Travolta thinking like if he is in fact a closeted gay man as has been suggested by the tabloid press.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] Does he feel bad appearing into the film that has so much humor based on the idea of just panicking whenever like someone thinks that you might be gay?

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] Do you guys remember the candy bar commercial where the two guys are eating the candy bar from either end and they accidentally kiss?

[14:16] It was a Super Bowl commercial.

[14:17] Yeah, yeah.

[14:17] Terrible.

[14:17] And then they start hitting themselves with wrenches and car batteries because they need to push this gay moment out of their bodies.

[14:25] This movie was kind of like that at times.

[14:27] Yeah.

[14:27] The idea of being thought of as gay was so repugnant to them.

[14:32] Although, to be fair, John C. McKinley was coming on to them in a way that made it seem like if they didn't very actively say they weren't gay or come up with a side story, he would have raped them.

[14:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:42] Well, that was alarming.

[14:43] But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] It does imply also that there are gay cops roaming the countryside looking for men to basically attack.

[14:50] But during the rape scene, there would have been like a tin whistle sound.

Dan McCoy

[14:53] You know what I mean?

[14:53] It would have been...

[14:54] Yeah, exactly.

[14:55] You know, it was wacky.

[14:57] I'm just saying, John Travolta, don't hate yourself to appear in Wild Hogs.

[15:00] Don't punish yourself in that play.

[15:03] It's not worth it.

[15:03] If Wild Hogs 2, the script comes across your desk, turn it down.

[15:06] Even wilder.

[15:07] No.

[15:07] Yeah.

[15:08] When you bring...

[15:08] Wild Hogs 2, more Wild, more Hog.

[15:10] You know, he seems to have moved on.

[15:11] He was in Hairspray playing the divine role, so...

[15:14] And now he's going to be in Bolt playing a dog, so...

[15:17] But anyway, but he had the worst life, and Martin Lawrence had sort of a bad life in that...

[15:22] His how-to book was going nowhere.

[15:24] Yeah, his how-to book was going nowhere, and on the side, he was like a janitor who cleaned up shit-filled

[15:29] restrooms.

[15:29] Oh, that's right.

[15:29] In the restrooms.

[15:30] In convenience stores.

[15:31] So that's not very good.

S3

[15:32] And his wife was always mad at him, and...

[15:34] Right.

[15:35] And there was so much shit in the bathroom that they had to put not one, but two strings

[15:40] of police tape.

[15:41] Yeah.

[15:42] It was a criminal amount of shit.

[15:44] I mean, it's possible someone might have shat themselves to death.

[15:47] I assume...

[15:47] Like, there could be a pile...

[15:48] Maybe they died and evacuated on the toilet.

Elliott Kalan

[15:50] It was just like in Ed the Happy Clown.

[15:52] Yikes.

[15:53] The Chester Brown construct.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] That's a really obscure reference to make.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] Whatever.

[15:56] But I assume he's the guy the police call in when the place is so dirty that it's breaking

[16:01] a law.

Dan McCoy

[16:01] But, you know, William H. Macy is clearly just sort of a clumsy dork.

[16:06] That's the worst you could say about him.

[16:08] Yeah.

[16:08] And Tim Allen...

Elliott Kalan

[16:09] With seemingly no experience with women.

Dan McCoy

[16:11] Tim Allen is a dentist.

[16:13] Granted, dentists, you know, high suicide rates, but a well-paying job.

[16:17] Is that true?

[16:18] That's true.

[16:18] It's a very high suicide rate job.

[16:21] And because of that, it's like movie shorthand for depressed guy.

[16:24] Yeah.

[16:25] I guess because you got your hands in someone's mouth all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] I mean, it seems like it's not...

[16:29] Yeah, not a great line of work.

[16:31] I mean, but Alan Arkin was happy with it.

[16:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:34] In The In-Laws, Alan Arkin was very happy being a dentist.

[16:37] However, though, Tim Allen, in the medical field, obviously well off, has a beautiful

[16:42] house, has a gorgeous wife in Jill Hennessy.

Elliott Kalan

[16:45] You're saying they should have made him a proctologist.

[16:47] Yeah.

[16:48] That would have been that much worse.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] If they were going to go for a zany medical field, yes.

[16:53] Yeah, why not?

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] Well, he's unhappy because his son doesn't think he's cool.

[16:57] Right.

[16:57] Is that why?

[16:58] I mean, I'm going to turn 27 in a couple months.

[17:00] I assume that...

[17:01] Your son doesn't think you're cool.

[17:02] So I don't have a child, but when I have a child someday, I could be a rock star, astronaut,

[17:07] who has a dinosaur that he rides to work, and I assume my son will still find me uncool.

[17:11] That's just what being a dad means.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Like, that's...

[17:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:14] But apparently it creates so much distress in him that he has to drop everything.

S3

[17:17] This is an audio podcast, but I would like to bring up the point that Elliot made that

[17:20] point while wearing a shirt of a vampire riding a dinosaur to work.

[17:24] That's a coincidence.

[17:25] That's just a coincidence.

Dan McCoy

[17:26] I didn't even notice that.

[17:28] Aren't there UFOs in that shirt, too?

[17:30] Yeah, well, this is...

[17:30] And zombies?

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] This is one of the best shirts that Threadless has to offer.

[17:33] It's UFOs, zombies, and dinosaurs, and a vampire.

[17:36] What sold it for me was the vampire riding the dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[17:39] So, podcast listeners...

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] Threadless.com, anyway, so...

[17:41] That's your sort of thing, so...

[17:43] I realized I was basically describing Buckaroo Bonsai.

[17:46] But...

[17:46] But even Peter Weller's children probably think he's not cool.

[17:49] Yeah.

S3

[17:49] Well, let me put this to the table.

[17:51] We talked a little bit about the gay panic thing.

[17:52] Let's put this to the panel.

[17:53] To circle around to the gay panic issue.

[17:56] You talk about the candy bar thing where they do the gay panic.

[17:59] They talk about all this gay panic.

[18:00] It feels to me like they're echoing a scene in Planes, Trans, and Automobiles that I think

[18:05] worked pretty well.

[18:06] You know what we're talking about?

[18:07] Pillows.

[18:07] I don't remember that scene.

[18:08] That's not my hand between two pillows.

[18:10] Those aren't pillows.

[18:11] They go nuts.

[18:12] They run around.

[18:12] They talk about wanting to watch sports.

[18:14] Somehow that scene comes off like two men who maybe are scared of homosexuality, and it's

[18:19] funny that they are scared of it.

[18:21] Let me put this out there.

[18:21] Why does that scene work and nothing in this movie?

[18:23] Let me put this out there.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] I would say for one thing that the talent involved in that scene is...

[18:27] Also, you know...

S3

[18:28] William H. Macy is a talented actor.

[18:30] I mean...

[18:30] Yeah, that's true.

[18:30] Let me put this out there, though, guys.

[18:31] Tim Allen has made good comedies.

[18:32] We're all pretty liberal people at this table.

[18:34] However...

[18:35] We're all voting for Obama.

Dan McCoy

[18:36] If I woke up next to either of you with my hand between your buttocks, I might be a

[18:41] little distressed.

[18:43] But, yeah.

[18:43] I might overcompensate.

[18:45] You would be more distressed.

[18:46] That's like something that anyone can relate to.

[18:48] There's no...

[18:49] There's not necessarily like some sort of inherent prejudice involved in that scene.

[18:53] It's more of like this is an absurdly uncomfortable situation that we need to cover up for rather

[18:58] than like at any moment in this movie.

[19:00] They appear to have hair triggers of people thinking that they're gay.

[19:04] And they need to overreact to that.

[19:06] I'm saying that if you guys were thinking of placing your buttocks around my hand at any

[19:11] point...

[19:11] Placing around your hand.

[19:13] You're saying that it would be...

[19:14] I would object to that.

S3

[19:15] It'd be very easy to laugh it off as something that would happen and that'd be awkward is

[19:19] what you're saying.

[19:19] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Or that there's...

[19:21] It's not so much the homosexual aspects of it as that kind of intimate contact out

[19:25] of nowhere and by surprise is...

[19:27] It's uncomfortable.

[19:28] Yeah, it's uncomfortable.

[19:29] Especially with someone who you're not romantically involved.

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Whereas this movie has a scene in which...

[19:35] How many fingers are we talking about?

S3

[19:36] Let's keep going.

[19:37] Let's keep going.

[19:37] Four in the stink or five in the stink?

[19:39] If the thumb is involved, all right.

[19:42] Now you see we're doing it.

[19:42] We've become what we love.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] But what if it's two fingers from one hand and three fingers from another hand?

[19:46] Is that different?

[19:48] Better or worse?

[19:48] Speaking of gay though.

[19:51] Wild hugs.

[19:53] Oh, by the way, this is a family film.

[19:55] This was released as a family film.

[19:57] There are tons of...

[19:57] A lot of male ass though.

[19:58] A lot of male ass and a lot of...

[20:00] They say the word asshole probably 20 times.

[20:02] The word shit probably 15 times.

Dan McCoy

[20:04] And I can only assume that the gay panic is what makes it a family film.

[20:08] Like the people in Heartland.

[20:09] Like the dads are like, I'm going to take my kid to that wild hugs.

[20:12] Because that's a movie about people who are terrified of the gays.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] See that up there, son?

[20:16] That's how you react in that situation.

S3

[20:19] Tremendous amount of classic rock in that movie too.

[20:21] It was sort of whatever the boilerplate music you...

[20:25] What are some of the titles that we heard?

Elliott Kalan

[20:27] Although I don't think they played Born to be Wild, did they?

S3

[20:29] To be fair, the DVD broke at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] They probably ended with that.

[20:32] Yeah, we fuzzed out a little in the end.

[20:34] As we were saying, we reached Wild Hogs' kill screen.

[20:38] And the DVD could go no further.

[20:40] No one's ever gotten that far into the film Wild Hogs.

[20:42] There was Who Do You Love?

[20:43] There was...

[20:44] Oh, Jesus God.

[20:46] What's the one?

[20:47] They didn't play Band of the Bone.

[20:48] On a Steel Horse I Ride.

[20:49] Oh, yeah.

[20:50] On a Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi.

[20:51] They did that one.

Dan McCoy

[20:52] Pretty much any stock like Highway to Hell.

[20:55] Highway to Hell.

[20:56] Yeah, Highway to Hell they did.

[20:57] Any stock rock and roll song that might have any...

[21:00] Slow ride.

[21:01] Yeah, anything that would involve riding or...

[21:03] Riding or driving or biking.

[21:05] There's an 85 to 90% chance that it was in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] Basically, the soundtrack producer for this movie had the easiest job in movie history.

Dan McCoy

[21:15] They just gave it over to the soundtrack 3000.

[21:17] The magical computer.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] Andre 3000's son.

[21:21] Soundtrack 3000.

[21:22] Who does Hollywood soundtracks.

[21:25] Yeah.

[21:26] Andre, can we borrow your kid for a little bit?

[21:27] Sure.

[21:28] Soundtrack.

[21:29] You got a summer job.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] We made reference to John C. McGinley.

[21:33] And to Gay Panic.

[21:34] And the thing was, early in the film...

[21:37] You said it as if they were both people.

[21:40] You know, Gay Panic.

[21:42] The popular drag queen.

[21:44] Yeah.

[21:45] Opening for Head of Lettuce, I believe.

[21:47] Excellent.

[21:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:49] Oh, but Ed the Happy Clown.

[21:50] I can't make a reference to that.

[21:51] That's too obscure.

[21:53] Anyway, you were saying...

[21:54] Head of Lettuce was on Project Runway.

Dan McCoy

[21:55] That's a national show.

[21:58] Yeah, early in their adventures, they camp out and William H. Macy manages to wing a flaming

[22:06] marshmallow into their tent.

[22:08] No, Tim Allen does that.

[22:09] Right?

[22:09] Tim Allen does that.

[22:11] You're right.

[22:11] William H. Macy has a bag of shit.

[22:14] He shits in a wood.

[22:15] If you're wondering whether William H. Macy shits in the forest...

[22:18] The answer is yes.

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] Tim Allen pulls a marshmallow out of the fire and it's on fire and he goes, whoa, well,

[22:25] this one's done or something like that.

[22:26] And flings it over his shoulder.

[22:28] And luckily it just hits their tent and burns that to the ground.

[22:31] But he could have destroyed a forest.

[22:33] And as I made the point, I went camping...

S3

[22:35] I went through the tent.

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:36] I think it was so...

[22:37] The marshmallow was so hot.

[22:38] It was like traveling so fast.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] The tent could have been made out of spun sugar.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] And maybe it just, you know...

[22:43] I went camping literally last weekend.

[22:45] And I made s'mores.

[22:47] And when a marshmallow's on fire, you just blow that fucker out and you eat it.

[22:51] It has a delicious charred exterior and the inside is melty.

[22:54] You're not like, oh, well, this is ruined.

S3

[22:57] I don't know.

[22:58] I like a golden brown marshmallow.

[23:00] I don't have a problem with him flinging...

[23:01] You know, you're out on your own.

[23:02] You're with the wild hogs.

[23:03] You've got something on fire.

[23:04] You're going to throw it.

[23:05] All right.

[23:05] But the point is...

[23:06] My problem is, if you're going to throw a marshmallow that's on fire, at least you throw

[23:09] it so you can see the flaming trajectory of what you're doing.

[23:12] It's like a mini comet.

Dan McCoy

[23:14] Well, the point is, anyway, he burns the tent.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] But that was a funny moment because he is sitting there talking about a fire and then

[23:19] suddenly pulls a flaming marshmallow out of nowhere into camera range.

[23:24] So that was kind of funny that something on fire popped up out of nowhere.

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:29] You know.

[23:30] Meh.

[23:30] Very few grind shots in this movie.

[23:32] Listen, for wild hogs, it was wild hogs funny.

[23:35] It wasn't, you know...

S3

[23:35] It was.

[23:36] It was wild hogs funny.

[23:37] Yeah.

[23:37] That's a good point.

[23:38] That's so Raven.

[23:39] But anyway...

Elliott Kalan

[23:40] It was when you're in a desert and there's like a puddle of water that someone peed in

[23:43] and you're like, oh, this is great.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] I'm dying.

[23:48] The point is, like, after burning the tent down, they all, of course, sleep together on...

[23:52] On the ground.

[23:53] On the ground together.

[23:54] And John C. McGinley shows up...

S3

[23:56] By the way, the tent was smaller than where they were sleeping.

[23:59] I mean, they would have slept together anyway in the tent, wouldn't they have?

[24:02] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[24:03] I guess maybe there was a second tent that they forgot to put up and that scene was cut

[24:08] maybe and it's on the DVD now.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] The point is, John C. McGinley shows up as a cop and you think he's going to be this, like,

[24:15] the gay-hating cop.

[24:17] There's a series of wacky things that they say.

[24:21] Very Three's company sort of easily misunderstood.

Elliott Kalan

[24:24] Oh, my jaw hurts from all the blowing I did.

S3

[24:25] Yes, because he was blowing on the fire and it hurt his jaw.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] And also, like, no one was meant to have something that big between their legs, you know, something

[24:33] about the motorcycle.

Dan McCoy

[24:34] But it turns out that John McGinley, after threatening them with lewd...

[24:39] With crime.

[24:40] Yeah, crime.

[24:40] With charges.

[24:41] Criminal charges.

[24:42] It turns out that he is...

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Which, as far as he knew, they were guilty of.

Dan McCoy

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:46] Turns out he's out and proud and wants to join in the orgy.

Elliott Kalan

[24:49] It was a similar turn to that one episode of Studio 60 where Nate Corddry was pulled over

[24:55] by John Goodman as the Hick Sheriff.

[24:57] And John Goodman's like, now I'm going to throw you, New York boy, in jail!

[25:02] No.

[25:03] That's what you think I'm going to say.

[25:05] Actually, it was that same exact turn but pulled off just as poorly.

[25:10] Except in Studio 60 it was done to make a point, I guess, about anti-small-town prejudice.

Dan McCoy

[25:15] So the point is, even though John C. McGinley was really nice in not charging them with crimes,

[25:21] they all tore away on their motorcycles, terrified that the gay man might attack them.

[25:27] He is a big guy, though.

[25:28] Did they?

[25:28] Did they ran away from him?

[25:29] They biked away from him because...

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] They actually, I think, told him...

[25:32] They implied that they were two gay couples and that there was no room for him.

[25:36] Right.

[25:36] And then they got the hell out of there.

Dan McCoy

[25:38] I think they implied it, though, through William H. Macy's total misunderstanding of...

[25:42] Like, he's just like an innocent.

[25:44] His character doesn't...

[25:45] He's the heart bone marks of the group.

S3

[25:46] John McGinley says, five is a crowd.

[25:49] And then Travolta says, no, it's an odd number if you know what I mean.

[25:54] Oh.

[25:55] So, I mean, does that mean that the two guys are going to pair off and be having anal sex

[26:00] with each other?

Elliott Kalan

[26:01] Or, you know, 69ing.

S3

[26:02] Anything two people can do.

[26:03] Or 69ing.

Dan McCoy

[26:03] Why do you assume it's anal sex, Rich?

[26:06] Come on.

[26:07] Is this your impression of gay men?

[26:08] Well, I mean...

[26:08] Just anal sex?

[26:09] It could just be fraudish.

[26:10] No, no.

[26:10] That's exactly my point.

S3

[26:11] I mean, you know, we could do...

[26:12] I don't see why one more in a reach around is going to hurt anybody.

[26:15] All right.

[26:15] Fair enough.

[26:16] By the way, I didn't want to go there.

[26:17] You pressed me.

[26:18] You pressed me.

[26:19] But that's not the scene...

[26:19] And I went there.

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] That's not the scene with the male nudity is the strange thing.

[26:22] That's the fluff house soul boat.

[26:23] There's also a scene where they go skinny dipping in a lake where you see far more of them than

[26:27] you want to.

Dan McCoy

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] If there are any ladies out there who are real Macy fans...

[26:30] Do you see any of them?

[26:31] Real William H. Macy fans.

[26:32] Oh, you see William H. Macy's butt.

[26:34] You see his ass on awful occasions.

[26:35] And you're tired of watching the cooler over and over again.

[26:38] This is your other choice.

[26:40] I don't know when that day will come.

[26:43] Yeah.

[26:43] So there's another scene of Panic where they all start skinny dipping together and a family

[26:48] comes up and rescinds their offer of potato salad once they realize that they're all nude.

[26:53] And then John C. McGinley shows up again.

[26:56] Also nude.

[26:57] Also nude.

[26:58] And wants to join them.

Elliott Kalan

[26:58] But what it implies is that he was watching them from, I guess, a rock somewhere.

[27:01] He's been following them through several states.

[27:03] I assume he was just masturbating while watching them.

[27:06] And then he's like, oh, I actually need to get in there.

Dan McCoy

[27:08] You need to get on the sweet action.

[27:10] Check out William H. Macy.

[27:11] And then, of course, rule of three is in comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[27:13] The third time something happens is the funny time.

[27:15] John C. McGinley never shows up again throughout the film.

[27:18] Two appearances.

[27:20] Then he's done.

S3

[27:20] Oh, and we forgot in the beginning they all choose to throw away their cell phones.

[27:25] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[27:25] In a very contrived bit of business.

[27:28] Yeah.

[27:28] So if you're wondering, hey, this is a modern film.

[27:31] They seem like they're getting into a lot of shenanigans.

[27:33] Why don't they just call someone?

Elliott Kalan

[27:34] But then even then there's no moments where it's like, uh-oh, if we had a cell phone, everything

[27:39] would be okay.

[27:39] There are scenes that it would have been better off if they had had a cell phone.

[27:43] There's a part where they leave a gas station because John Travolta is afraid they're being

[27:48] chased by the bikers whose bar he blew up by accident.

[27:51] They leave this gas station and then you see the sign, last gas station for 200 miles, cut

[27:57] to them walking their bikes through the desert complaining about how thirsty they are.

[28:02] Then all of a sudden they look.

[28:03] With a vulture.

[28:04] With a vulture following them.

[28:05] A vulture following them.

[28:05] With a vulture following them.

Elliott Kalan

[28:05] Standing by.

[28:05] Then they look to the side and there's a whole town there.

[28:09] And there's a diner right there.

[28:12] They've managed to walk 200 miles with their bikes in the same day.

Dan McCoy

[28:17] Well, that introduces the third act of the film.

[28:19] But before we get to that, we want to...

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] I'm just amazed at this Herculean feat of these four middle-aged men walking their bikes

[28:26] 200 miles in one day.

Dan McCoy

[28:28] You're saying that songs should be sung of the wild hogs.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] This is an epic feat.

[28:31] Yeah.

[28:32] Like, the Israelites had about the same distance to travel and it took them 40 years.

[28:38] That's...

S3

[28:38] Well, the Israelites...

[28:39] Unfortunately, they didn't have the wild hogs to leave.

[28:41] Lazy!

[28:42] I was trying to think of a Semitic wild hogs pun.

[28:45] I don't know that I can...

[28:46] Well, they couldn't have called themselves wild hogs because it wouldn't be kosher.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:49] I was hoping it wasn't going to be that one.

Dan McCoy

[28:50] Yeah, that's the only one I could think of.

[28:52] So, earlier in the film, before they reached this town, though, they managed to run afoul

[28:57] of Ray Liotta and his cronies.

[28:59] I'm right back.

[29:00] I'm just taking some more water.

[29:01] Elliot's leaving right in the middle of the podcast, everyone.

[29:03] I think he's offended because we were talking about Jews.

[29:05] Ray Liotta and his cronies.

[29:06] Ray Liotta and his cronies.

[29:08] What happens is they go to a real biker bar and Ray Liotta dresses them down for being

[29:15] suburban posers.

[29:17] And we need Elliot to describe the Ray Liotta laugh.

S3

[29:21] I mean, I guess we all knew this already.

[29:23] This is something that...

[29:24] It's tough to do in radio, but it's...

Elliott Kalan

[29:26] It's hard because you've got to see it, really, but Ray Liotta has a special laugh

[29:29] where he opens his mouth and doesn't move it, moves no muscles on his face, and just goes...

[29:35] It's just a frightening laugh because it's literally like he's just opening his mouth and then

[29:40] shooting cannon fire of laughs out of his face.

[29:44] There's no...

[29:45] It's not like a ha, ha, ha.

[29:46] Like, it's just like propelling laughs.

[29:49] It's a gambling gun of laughs.

S3

[29:50] And he looks so...

[29:51] It's jowlless.

[29:51] Yeah.

[29:52] That's what it is.

[29:52] Yeah.

[29:52] The jaw locks.

Dan McCoy

[29:55] Like a snake shooting venom.

[29:57] Yes, exactly.

[29:58] He's like a ventriloquist dummy in the open position.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] But also, and his face gets so intense while he's doing it, even though it's not moving,

[30:03] that you think he's having a heart attack.

[30:05] You think it's Wallace Shawn and the Princess Bride laughing as he's being poisoned to death

[30:10] and then falls over.

[30:11] Like, that's what you expect.

[30:13] Oh, and I can say one more thing about this biker bar.

[30:14] It's a real biker bar, real tough, full of bikers strewn with Christmas lights around

[30:19] because biker bars look basically like girls' college dorm rooms.

Dan McCoy

[30:23] Yeah, but they run afoul these guys.

[30:25] Ray Liotta dresses them down for being not real bikers, which, to be honest...

[30:30] They are not.

[30:31] Fair enough.

[30:31] They are not real bikers.

[30:32] Fair enough, Ray Liotta.

[30:33] Guilty as charged.

[30:35] And so he tricks them into a trade for a, like, shitty bike, like a disassembled bike.

[30:40] And so, like, they go off...

[30:42] The wild hogs go off cowed.

[30:44] And then John Travolta turns back.

[30:47] He's like, no, this will not stand.

S3

[30:48] William H. Macy, by the way, is in a sidecar.

[30:51] Yeah.

[30:51] And I think it's possible that there are jokes that must have been cut out with Macy in the sidecar.

[30:57] Why would you put Macy in the sidecar?

[30:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] I think that's like a Hollywood saying.

[31:01] Like, never put Macy in the sidecar unless you've got a gag.

[31:05] But, um...

[31:05] They've been saying that for 80 years.

[31:08] Travolta goes back to the place...

[31:10] I think it was Buster Keaton who said that first.

[31:12] And he clips all of their fuel line.

[31:14] And Liotta runs out and is like, oh, I'm gonna get those wild hogs.

[31:19] Wild hogs.

[31:19] Confound them.

[31:21] And they drive on.

Elliott Kalan

[31:21] I wouldn't have gotten away with it, you two.

[31:23] More of you wild hogs.

[31:24] And they try and give...

[31:25] They try and give chase...

[31:29] The only time it's okay to laugh like that is when Joe Pesci has just said something.

[31:35] That's the only okay time when it's right.

Dan McCoy

[31:38] They try and give chase, but Liotta manages to set the gas aflame and all of their bicycles blow up.

[31:46] And the bar.

[31:47] And the bar blows up, too.

[31:48] The bar, as I said at the time, that's someone's business.

[31:51] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] Dan was...

[31:53] Dan being a...

[31:54] Really a champion of the small business owner really took it to heart that this roadhouse owner's livelihood had just gone up in flames.

Dan McCoy

[32:01] So, John Travolta feels very guilty, possibly thinking that he's murdered all of these bikers.

S3

[32:07] Well, us, the audience, we're not sure whether he's murdered them or not.

[32:11] Like, a lot of times you'll get in a funny commercial that has violence in it, they will...

[32:15] Something horribly violent will happen to someone.

[32:17] They will show the name of the product, and then immediately afterwards you will see them get up and dust themselves off.

[32:21] And you see, it's okay that I just did something horribly violent for a blood light.

[32:24] You can buy my products.

[32:26] Don't worry.

[32:26] I'm okay.

[32:27] This film had John Travolta put gas all over the place.

[32:32] He drives off.

[32:33] You see them drop a cigarette.

[32:34] Huge explosion.

[32:36] Gasoline.

[32:37] Entire bar blows up.

[32:38] Travolta sees it in the review mirror, as do we, the audience, and it keeps following the wild hogs.

[32:42] It's like the end of Mad Max, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[32:45] He's just committed multiple murder.

[32:48] At the very least, he's blown up a building, which is a crime.

[32:51] Say what you will about them getting put up on these bogus sodomy charges.

[32:56] He did just destroy private property.

[32:57] In a really dangerous way.

[32:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:00] But he keeps this from them.

[33:01] And then eventually they wind up at this town.

[33:03] This is where they meet.

[33:04] Called Madrid.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:05] They meet Stephen Toblerowski, who's the sheriff.

[33:07] They meet the Sklar brothers who are the deputies.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] Marissa Tomei, a local diner owner.

Dan McCoy

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:11] Who William H. Macy finally has sex with.

[33:14] One has to imagine for the first time in his life.

S3

[33:17] After an impromptu dance lesson that lasts 30 seconds, and he's ready.

Dan McCoy

[33:22] Yeah.

[33:22] Then he's an expert dancer, and he's ready to romance her at the chili cook-off.

Elliott Kalan

[33:26] By the way, there's one good line in this for Stephen.

[33:31] I always forget.

[33:32] Toblerowski has a name where he's talking about they have to go to the chili cook-off.

[33:36] Last year, a guy, his chili was too hot, and his throat started bleeding.

[33:41] Changed his life.

[33:42] And that's his only explanation.

[33:45] Changed his life.

Dan McCoy

[33:46] Yeah.

[33:46] That's pretty good.

[33:47] That's Wild Hogs funny.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] That's Wild Hogs.

[33:50] I just like any of the lines that kind of don't make sense.

[33:53] They hinted a bigger story.

S3

[33:55] Do you think it's possible that they shot a lot of these, the montages of them riding bikes,

[34:00] and then they put them together in scenes and kind of said, let's let these guys improv,

[34:05] and maybe they'll come up with some entertaining comedy based on their characters.

[34:08] And then they came up with nothing.

[34:09] And then so they were like, I guess just do the gay sketch.

[34:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:12] And John Travolta came up with a character that was completely different from scene to

[34:16] scene.

[34:17] Like, as boring as all the characters were, John Travolta's character had no arc.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] He had no arc, but he was also somewhat insane.

[34:23] Yeah.

[34:23] Like, he would get really angry for no reason.

[34:26] He berated a child in the beginning.

S3

[34:28] Berated a child, yeah.

[34:30] It was a joke because he was talking on a cell phone.

[34:32] You assumed it was a professional business entanglement.

[34:35] No.

[34:36] And it was a child that was raking his over large lawn.

[34:39] That's the comic twist.

[34:40] Mm-hmm.

[34:41] That's where the audience grabs their belly and goes, ooh, you got me.

Elliott Kalan

[34:47] Wild hogs.

[34:48] I didn't see that coming.

[34:49] Right in the bread basket.

Dan McCoy

[34:51] The movie suddenly turns into, like, a sub Three Amigos, a.k.a. Seven Samurai style.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] Or Walking Tall.

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:00] Or The Wild One.

Dan McCoy

[35:02] But they come in like the...

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] In that there's a town in all of those movies.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:05] In that there's a town being terrorized by a gang.

Dan McCoy

[35:08] And then some out-of-towners have to come in.

Elliott Kalan

[35:10] The town really wasn't being terrorized by the gang until the out-of-towners came in.

[35:14] No, there was some discussion.

S3

[35:15] It was implied.

[35:15] The town was initially terrorized by the wild hogs, as you will remember.

[35:19] Yes.

[35:19] It's the first stop off for 200 miles without gas.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] Excuse me.

[35:23] They were only terrorized because they thought that they were the Del Fuego's, which was Ray Liotta's gang.

[35:28] No.

[35:28] They came in.

[35:29] They came in.

[35:30] They started drinking beer.

[35:30] They started stealing people's beers.

[35:32] Yes.

[35:32] But the only reason they were scared of them is because they thought that was Del Fuego's.

[35:35] And then they realized, oh, no, these are people who will pay for that beer.

[35:39] Oh.

[35:39] Yeah.

[35:39] So, I didn't get that.

S3

[35:40] So, they thought it was the Del Fuego's first.

[35:42] Yes.

[35:42] They were first.

[35:43] And then they realized, oh, wait, these guys are just fucking assholes.

[35:46] So, it's better.

Dan McCoy

[35:47] These guys are dicks.

[35:48] These are unaffiliated assholes.

Elliott Kalan

[35:50] Right.

[35:50] Yeah.

[35:50] But the Del Fuego's come by looking to bruise some people.

Dan McCoy

[35:54] And the wild hogs definitively defeat them by getting punched a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] Well, they make the diner their target.

[36:00] They say, we're going to destroy your diner because you destroyed our clubhouse.

[36:04] And the wild hogs stand up for the diner and get punched a lot.

[36:08] And they keep getting back up and keep getting punched.

[36:10] And this goes on for, what, like four hours?

[36:12] Well, they also stand up for the larger concept of wild hogs.

S3

[36:15] They're standing up for the hog on the back of the jacket is more important than the name on the front.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] It's like an old Marvel comic where, like, Thor and Hercules would be punching each other.

[36:25] But they'd be talking about their life philosophies at the same time.

[36:28] I say thee nay.

[36:30] A man's freedom must be decided by his wits, not his fists.

[36:33] Punches Hercules.

[36:34] Hercules.

[36:35] No, it is brawn that shall win this day.

[36:37] You know, punches.

[36:38] It was kind of like that.

[36:38] Except the wild hogs were doing all the talking.

[36:41] And Ray Liotta was doing all the punching.

S3

[36:42] Well, there was an epiphany at one point where they decided that it was, in fact, the biker gang that were the posers.

[36:50] Because they didn't have jobs.

[36:52] Right.

[36:52] And espoused the very lifestyles that they had wanted at the beginning of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:55] This is where we get a little fuzzy on the plot of the wild hog.

[36:58] Since the DVD was breaking down.

[36:59] The DVD starts breaking down.

S3

[37:01] No, but we were clear up to that point.

[37:02] Because they decided, no, wait.

[37:03] The way we should settle this, because we're not posers, is through violence.

[37:07] That's what we should do.

[37:08] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] We should fight.

[37:09] Yeah, we'll fight for real.

[37:10] And then they realized it's stupid to fight, because these guys are losers, even though they're beating us up.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] The DVD just sort of started, like, pixelating.

[37:18] It was like this psychedelic freakout in the middle of the end of Wild Hog, which was sort of pleasant.

[37:23] It sort of gave it a little of an arty pace.

S3

[37:24] It was sort of like when that cat walks by in the Matrix and then walks by again, and you realize there's a serious problem.

[37:30] Of course, I realized that early on.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] It's like when, like, your family's having a get-together, and you've got to take the train to get there, and it turns out the trains aren't running that day, and you're like, yay, I can stay home.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] It's exactly like that.

[37:40] That's what it felt like to me.

[37:41] Like, yay, the end of Wild Hog.

[37:42] We're going to have to really watch it.

[37:44] But they are saved by...

[37:45] Basically, they get punched, and they get saved by Peter Fonda.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] They're saved by a ghost of biker movies past, Peter Fonda, whose triumphant speech at the end we lost most of because the disc was pixelating.

[37:54] But it turns out he's Ray Liotta's dad.

[37:56] He founded the Del Fuego's, and then he left it because he decided to be a loner.

S3

[38:00] Didn't they mention him?

[38:01] Wasn't there a foreshadowing earlier in the film of this epic creator?

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] Yeah, they mentioned Slade something or other, yeah.

[38:07] Dark Thunderboots.

Dan McCoy

[38:08] The funny thing is, like, if people haven't seen Easy Rider...

[38:12] Monster pants.

[38:13] Wheel feet.

[38:13] I'd like to imagine that people who haven't seen Easy Rider watched the end of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] By which you would mean the audience of this film, because it was four children, for the most part.

Dan McCoy

[38:21] But I'd like to imagine those people are like, oh, it's the guy from Ghost Rider.

[38:25] That's what they're making reference to.

[38:27] That other biker film, Ghost Rider.

Elliott Kalan

[38:29] Oh, Peter Fonda from the famous biker movie, Ghost Rider.

S3

[38:32] Well, that's an interesting question.

[38:34] Is it for kids, or is it for middle-aged men?

[38:36] You feel like there's a lot of jokes in the beginning of the film where they're trying to appeal to the middle-aged man,

[38:41] the baby boomer that maybe is now taking his kids to the film?

[38:43] I think it's for really stupid middle-aged men.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] Really stupid people who don't like jokes.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] And then, at the end, their wives all show up in a mid-band.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] What this movie is really for is for overseas sales and airplane showings.

Dan McCoy

[38:58] This is a really great airplane movie.

[39:00] This is a movie that will...

[39:01] This is a fantastic movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] This movie will live on on TBS and TNT for years to come, alternating with the Green Mile and the Shawshank Redemption.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] And I have to say, at the very end, all the wives show up in a minivan to be like, what have you been doing?

[39:13] But I have no idea how they found them, because they threw away their cell phones,

[39:17] and they've been driving on a cross-country, like, coast-to-coast road trip.

[39:21] So I have no idea, like, they've gone to every town in the U.S.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] They could just be big fans of the Del Fuego's, and they saw on the website that they were after the wild hogs.

Dan McCoy

[39:31] Oh, the Del Fuego's are fighting the wild hogs in Madrid.

S3

[39:34] We were on delfwegos.org.

[39:36] It's supposed to be delfwegos.edu.

Elliott Kalan

[39:41] Maybe CNN was covering the story.

[39:46] Ira Glass did a piece about it on This American Life.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] But anyway, we should wrap this up.

[39:50] Yeah, we should wrap this up, because you...

[39:51] I've got to go.

Elliott Kalan

[39:52] I have to get up early in the morning for my 7 a.m. flight to Santa Barbara, California.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] Yeah, you...

[39:57] I have no such good excuse.

Elliott Kalan

[39:58] I lead a glamorous life.

Dan McCoy

[40:00] You've been out of town, as we said, covering the conventions.

[40:02] Maybe later on you'll favor us with some stories.

[40:04] I won't make them...

[40:05] You tell them that.

[40:06] Oh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[40:06] We could do a Fluff House non-movie minute sometime.

[40:09] Or I can talk about working with Ian McShane.

[40:11] That's right, from Deadwood.

[40:13] Ian McShane.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] You may know him as...

[40:15] You may know him as...

[40:16] The Ghost in Scoop.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] The Ghost in Scoop, or the evil polar bear in The Golden Compass.

Dan McCoy

[40:21] Well, we'll get to that later.

[40:22] Actually, let's go to the final judgments on this film.

[40:25] Was this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie that you actually genuinely liked

[40:30] in some way?

[40:31] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[40:32] I'm going to say this was a bad-bad movie, not only because it wasn't funny, but because

[40:35] it failed at the very rudimentary tasks of giving its characters personalities and then

[40:41] giving them things to do.

[40:43] It would be so easy just to have made one guy the sports nut, and one guy is the rock and

[40:48] roll fan.

[40:49] And this other guy, he loves, I don't know, surfing, but instead they kind of vague, drab,

[40:55] middle-aged men.

[40:57] It felt like a Raymond Carver story in that way.

Dan McCoy

[40:59] Yeah, I'm going to say...

[41:00] But in a bad way.

[41:01] If you have friends that enjoy watching shitty movies, this might be a marginal good-bad movie

[41:08] just because I feel like it is such a compendium of bad comedy cliches.

[41:14] Every bad comedy cliche you could imagine might be in a movie, most of them show up here.

[41:21] Like, it's not the perfect storm of bad comedies, but it could have been written by some sort

[41:28] of screenplay writing computer program.

[41:29] I don't think there are any fart jokes in it, are there?

[41:31] Yeah.

[41:32] Especially since they go to a fucking chili festival.

[41:34] That is extraordinary.

[41:35] What the fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[41:35] They go to a chili festival and there aren't any farting jokes?

Dan McCoy

[41:38] All right, you've convinced me.

[41:39] I've changed.

[41:40] It's a bad, bad movie.

S3

[41:41] I feel like it's...

[41:43] Let's take when he gets hit in the face with a raven.

[41:47] Okay.

[41:47] I'm watching the film and it was one guy gets hit with a bug.

[41:50] Then another guy gets hit with...

[41:51] A lot of bugs.

[41:52] And now he's funny, he got hit with a bug.

[41:53] Another guy gets hit with a lot of bugs.

[41:54] I said in jest, in making fun of the funny bad movie, hey, wouldn't it be funny if he

[41:59] got hit in the face with a goose?

[42:01] All right?

[42:02] Now, he's hit in the face with a raven, but he doesn't fall off his bike.

[42:06] The raven...

[42:07] The raven is still alive.

[42:08] There's a shot of the raven.

[42:10] It takes four shots and four cuts to get this piece of physical comedy across.

[42:15] All you need is a white blur and a poof of feathers, and then he's down.

[42:19] And you've got a half decent...

[42:21] So I feel like there are some jokes in here, but it's like when you go to the optitrician

[42:26] and they put the thing over your eyes, and they just go, better or better?

[42:30] Better or better?

[42:31] And I think this is two clicks away from funny, but the funny is there.

[42:34] Like, you just...

Dan McCoy

[42:35] I don't know what that means, but take it for what it is.

S3

[42:39] I'll sum it up this way.

[42:40] I think that, for me, it was a good bad movie in that it's fun to participate in the flop

[42:45] house.

[42:45] Right.

[42:46] And, you know, it's like getting a chance to meet Bruce Springsteen.

[42:50] Like, if you got a chance to meet Bruce Springsteen, and they said, hey, you want to come meet

[42:53] Bruce Springsteen?

[42:53] I'd say, yes, that'd be a good time.

[42:55] They'd say, just come on over, and he's going to slam your hand in a desk drawer five or

[42:59] six times.

[43:00] And I'd be like, I don't know whether I would like that.

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] Thanks for coming over.

[43:03] It's nice to meet you.

[43:03] Yeah.

[43:04] And he's explaining...

[43:05] I appreciate that you're doing this.

S3

[43:05] I just like it.

[43:06] Bang.

[43:07] Bang.

[43:07] And he's the boss.

[43:09] He's explaining to you the moment when he wrote Born to Run.

[43:11] You know what I'm...

[43:12] And you're like, this is uncomfortable, and I don't enjoy it, but this is still somehow

[43:15] a pleasurable experience.

[43:16] To be born in the USA, he's really...

[43:18] Ah!

[43:19] My hand.

[43:19] Bang.

[43:20] Bang.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] For some reason, every time he slams your hand, he yells, Thunder Road.

S3

[43:26] You know, I would hate it.

[43:28] It would really hurt my hand a lot.

[43:29] But at the end of the day, I would walk away saying, you know what?

[43:32] I just met fucking Bruce Springsteen.

[43:33] I met the boss.

[43:35] And they'd be like, why is your hand in the cast?

[43:36] I'd be like, I'll tell you later.

[43:37] That's the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[43:38] That's pretty good.

[43:39] All right.

[43:39] I'll take that.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] It was no Bratz movie.

[43:42] Tell you that, Wild Hugs.

Dan McCoy

[43:42] It was not any Bratz movie.

[43:45] You guys watched the Bratz movie?

[43:46] On a way.

[43:46] That was...

[43:47] That ended up being...

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] It was a terrible movie, but it ended up being so much more entertaining.

S3

[43:50] I hope that's a documentary from Wisconsin about sausage preparation.

[43:52] The Bratz movie.

Dan McCoy

[43:55] This ranks 6.5 Bratz.

Elliott Kalan

[43:57] And yet it was much easier to watch than 10,000 BC.

Dan McCoy

[44:00] Oh, so much more.

[44:01] Don't...

[44:02] America, if it comes down to a choice between 10,000 BC...

[44:07] And Wild Hogs.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] I never thought I would ever say this, but choose Wild Hogs over the movie where they fight mammoths

[44:12] and giant birds.

[44:13] So if you're in a public library in a small town in Indiana, and there's four videotapes

S3

[44:18] on the shelf, you're going to want to pick Wild Hogs.

[44:20] You're going to want to pick Wild Hogs.

S3

[44:20] You're going to want to pick Wild Hogs.

[44:21] Probably videotapes, actually.

[44:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:23] You can either watch Brideshead revisited the PBS series again, or I guess it was BBC,

[44:28] or you can watch Wild Hogs or 10,000 BC.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] Let's move briefly to business before we do our recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] Gentlemen, dividends are down this quarter.

[44:37] No, no.

[44:38] First of all, we talked about your day job briefly, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[44:41] I want to extend congratulations to you.

[44:44] Elliot has been hired on as a writer for The Daily Show.

[44:49] Huzzah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:49] He had been producing there, and now...

[44:52] It's basically your basic Horatio Alger story.

[44:55] Started as an intern, worked up to being a writer.

[44:58] It really is, though.

[44:58] Someday I'll be president.

[44:59] President of television.

S3

[45:01] Very fun time to be writing on that show, I would imagine.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] But I've got to say, it is a testament to the work ethic, because I'm bitter...

[45:10] Because I could have given up.

[45:12] I'm bitter that I don't have a good comedy writing job, but what the fuck have I ever done?

[45:17] You, on the other hand, started off as a PA on the show?

[45:22] I was an intern at the show, and then they hired me as a PA.

[45:24] You moved your way all the way up to a writer.

[45:26] PA to AP to segment producer.

[45:28] That's genuinely admirable.

[45:29] Well, thank you.

S3

[45:31] This is Dan's way of asking you if you can get an intern gig.

Dan McCoy

[45:34] Yes, I'll see if I can get you an internship.

[45:36] You need to get school credit for it.

[45:38] I'm way past the point where that would be tenable.

Elliott Kalan

[45:40] You'd be surprised.

[45:41] Anyway.

[45:42] Well, we'll get interns in, and it's like, hey, nice to meet you.

[45:45] Yeah, well, I went back to school to get my degree.

[45:48] I'm 35.

[45:49] Oh, okay.

[45:50] What are you studying?

[45:50] Not something TV production related.

Dan McCoy

[45:53] Well, that's very strange.

Elliott Kalan

[45:54] Yeah, anyway.

[45:55] But you were saying?

Dan McCoy

[45:56] I was pretty much done.

[45:58] I was congratulating you.

[45:59] Thanks.

[46:00] Take that, Stuart Wellington.

S3

[46:02] Yeah.

[46:03] Manager.

Dan McCoy

[46:03] He's off doing business somewhere.

[46:06] And look at Elliot.

S3

[46:07] I just heard he has a cool little role-playing store, right?

Dan McCoy

[46:11] Yes, he's a strategy gamer.

[46:13] Speaking of gay, as we did before.

S3

[46:14] Here's how pathetic I am.

[46:16] I think that's awesome.

[46:17] No, it's pretty awesome.

[46:17] I think it's kind of cool.

Dan McCoy

[46:19] Yeah.

[46:19] He's a good man.

[46:21] He's a great guy.

[46:22] Great gamer.

[46:23] I think he's a huge dick.

[46:24] I just think he has a cool job.

[46:25] Oh, okay.

[46:25] All right.

[46:26] Fine.

[46:26] He's a terrible human being.

[46:27] Don't get me wrong.

[46:28] We were just looking for a reason to work this piece of information into the podcast, though.

[46:34] And that's that we look at, you know, you look at stats for how people come to the Flophouse

[46:40] website.

[46:40] You can, like, look at the stats and, like, what keywords get you there.

[46:45] And the keywords, Stuart Wellington gay.

[46:49] That was me.

[46:50] And gay Stuart Wellington have brought.

[46:52] The first one was me.

[46:53] I can't say for the second one.

[46:54] Someone to the site.

[46:56] So whoever Stuart Wellington's gay admirer is out there, we want you to contact the show.

Elliott Kalan

[47:00] He's gotten straight admirer letters before.

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:03] He has gotten.

Dan McCoy

[47:05] Some girl is totally in love with him.

[47:07] So now we need a guy.

S3

[47:07] By the way, that gay joke I just made, that was gay panic.

[47:11] It was a little bit of gay panic right there on my part.

[47:13] It backfired.

Elliott Kalan

[47:14] Yeah.

[47:14] Tonight at Southpaw, gay panic.

Dan McCoy

[47:18] Opener, Murray Hill.

[47:19] Anyway.

[47:21] Murray Hill.

[47:21] So let's go on to, what was the other thing I wanted to say?

[47:25] Oh, the Uwe Boll contest.

[47:29] It's pronounced Uwe?

[47:30] Yeah, it's pronounced Uwe.

[47:31] I didn't know that.

[47:31] This is the video game director guy?

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Yeah.

[47:33] Uwe?

[47:33] Really?

[47:34] I always said Uwe.

[47:34] I mean, it is German, so it makes sense that it would be a Vuh instead of a Wuh.

Dan McCoy

[47:37] I know this because he actually was on a screenwriting podcast I listened to.

[47:44] Wow.

[47:44] I don't know why one would want to take advice from Uwe Boll, but he was on there.

[47:48] So I now own Wild Hogs because our local DVD store is going out of business.

[47:55] A screenwriting podcast.

[47:57] Wow.

[47:58] And I tried to rent this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] Interior.

[48:00] Podcast recording studio.

[48:03] Two men sit at microphones talking about screenwriting.

Dan McCoy

[48:06] I tried to rent the film Wild Hogs for the purposes of making fun of it on this podcast, and I was not allowed to rent it.

[48:11] I could only purchase it.

[48:13] So for $3, I now own Wild Hogs.

[48:16] I don't want to keep Wild Hogs, but the winner of the Uwe Boll contest, in addition to getting the first season of Rocky and Bullwinkle on DVD,

[48:25] you will now get a signed by the Flophouse copy of Wild Hogs, the very copy that we used to do this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] You could have sent that to the Smithsonian to Planet Hollywood.

[48:36] You could have shot it into space as an artifact.

[48:38] You could have buried it in a time capsule for future generations to discover.

[48:42] I could have done all those things.

[48:42] You could have, I mean, on the open market auction house, it easily would have fetched millions.

[48:47] You know what you couldn't have done?

S3

[48:49] Watched it again because it's defective.

[48:50] Yeah, it is defective.

[48:52] It's a defective DVD.

[48:53] The DVD is not going to, you can't watch the end of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[48:56] You would have thought the only defect was that Wild Hogs was the movie that was recorded on it, but it has more than one defect.

[49:02] Additional defects, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:03] Yeah, but if you just want a memento, then enter the contest, and that will be added on to your prize.

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] With no extra charge.

Dan McCoy

[49:10] Let's rapidly, because Elliot...

[49:13] Gotta go.

[49:13] Gotta get out of here.

[49:14] Let's talk about recommendations.

[49:16] Movies that we've seen recently that we've actually enjoyed.

[49:18] Elliot, go.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] I haven't gotten to see too many movies recently.

[49:21] I was out of town for a couple weeks, and I didn't get to really watch much.

[49:24] But a movie I watched before I went out of town that I enjoyed a lot was The Honeymoon Killers, which listeners to this podcast may have seen before, but I had not.

[49:34] In some ways, it's kind of like if John Waters had made a really creepy dramatic film instead of a campy comedy.

[49:42] And not just because...

[49:43] Well, a lot of it's because of the lead female in it is very overweight.

[49:47] But this overweight nurse and her accented boyfriend...

[49:51] Basically, the boyfriend meets Lonely Hearts women via personal ads.

[49:56] Then they go to the women's houses, murder them, and steal their money.

[50:00] And it's done in this very low-budget style that helps it a lot, but also there's a lot of really great shots in it.

[50:06] It's beautifully shot, and the acting in it is very...

[50:09] Like, it reaches that really nice edge between extreme and realistic.

[50:16] But it was very good.

[50:17] I had read a lot about it, but I'd never seen it before.

[50:19] But I enjoyed it greatly.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] I have a lot of movies that I could recommend, but in the interest of keeping it short,

[50:25] I'll quickly say that The Bank Job is a good sort of B thriller, if you want to see that, of recent years.

[50:32] And also, I watched The Naked Jungle, which was based on one of my favorite short stories as a kid,

[50:37] The Line Engine vs. the Ants, about a plantation owner who fights back against a horde of ravening ants that are threatening his plantation.

[50:47] I always thought the lanigan.

[50:48] Yeah, well, in the movie, they pronounce it the line engine.

Elliott Kalan

[50:51] I always thought it was Studs Lonigan.

[50:53] I thought it was Longitude.

Dan McCoy

[50:55] But the movie is sort of weird because it largely dispenses with the ants and is a sort of a melodramatic romance for, I would say, a good 75 minutes of its 90-minute runtime.

[51:09] But then the ants come in.

[51:10] Yeah, for the last 15 minutes, oh my god, they're ants.

[51:13] It's like a picnic.

[51:15] But it's funny because...

[51:16] It's terrifying.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] It's like the movie picnic, but with ants at the end.

Dan McCoy

[51:20] But the other stuff is good, too, because it's got Charlton Heston acting like a dick.

[51:25] It's not one of these movies where the guy's a gruff guy, but you can see underneath it he's really good, and you can understand why the woman is falling for him.

[51:34] Honestly, Charlton Heston acts like a complete tool through most of this film.

[51:38] And it's kind of amusing.

[51:40] But also, the woman that he's called down to his plantation in South America to be his mail-order bride, when she arrives, she sort of lets this young native boy carry her parasol.

[51:52] And the head of the plantation, Charlton Heston's number two guy, is like, oh, do you want this boy?

[51:59] Would you like this boy for your own?

[52:02] And she's like, oh, won't his parents be upset if I take him?

[52:06] They're like, no.

[52:08] They'll think it's a blessing.

[52:09] They'll just make more.

[52:10] And then she takes the kid.

[52:13] She takes the kid with her.

[52:15] I don't know whether she's that guy that gets her slave now or what, but it just seems like a very strange indication of the time the movie was made.

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] Did I ever tell you about the movie Unborrowed Time?

[52:27] No.

[52:28] It sounds kind of like that.

[52:28] Lionel Barrymore is this guy who is very close with his grandson, and Death comes and says, it's your time.

[52:34] You've got to come now.

[52:35] And Lionel Barrymore is like, forget it.

[52:36] I'm not going to die.

[52:38] Whatever.

[52:38] And then his grandson.

[52:40] Like Seventh Seal School, Death shows up.

[52:42] There's a character playing Death.

[52:43] Okay.

[52:43] Exactly.

[52:44] And then the grandson falls out of it.

[52:46] Like Death tricks him into falling out of a tree, and he's on Death's door.

[52:50] And Lionel Barrymore is like, no, no, take me.

[52:53] Take me.

[52:54] I'll go.

[52:55] And the movie ends with Lionel Barrymore and his grandson walking off to heaven together.

[52:59] And you're like, no, you're supposed to give your life to save the boy.

[53:03] Like it's supposed to be an exchange.

[53:05] You're not supposed to die in addition to him.

[53:08] This is terrible.

[53:09] It's like a shoddy deal.

S3

[53:10] Yeah.

[53:10] Not a great movie.

[53:11] Anyway.

[53:12] My turn for recommendations?

[53:13] Sure.

[53:13] I think I'll, this is one that, again, film buffs who listen to this podcast may know it.

[53:19] But I'm bringing it up with the recent launch of the True Blood show on HBO.

[53:25] There's sort of a resurgence in the vampire genre.

[53:28] And it made me think, I have not seen it yet, but someone who I respect a great deal has watched the premiere and said that it was schlocky and a little bit too, look how sensual and sexy our vampires are.

Dan McCoy

[53:40] It's funny.

[53:41] The schlock was what I really enjoyed about it.

[53:43] Oh, have you seen it?

S3

[53:43] I haven't seen it.

[53:44] So, to be fair, it very well may be okay.

[53:47] But the aggressive marketing campaign that's been barraging me for the past nine months has led me to...

Dan McCoy

[53:53] Oh, it's definitely schlocky.

S3

[53:55] Yeah.

[53:55] It's led me to...

[53:56] It will have to be much, much better than I expect for it to impress me at this point.

[54:01] Right.

[54:01] But anyway, I just thought for looking back for actual really good creative vampire movies,

[54:06] one of the first movies that put Guillermo del Toro on the map is a movie called Kronos,

[54:10] which is a Spanish movie, and this is, of course, director of Pan's Labyrinth and...

[54:16] Hellboy.

[54:17] Devil's Backbone.

[54:18] Well, Hellboy, sure, of course, Hellboy.

[54:19] Hellboy 2.

[54:20] Hellboy 2.

[54:21] Blade 2.

[54:22] I like Blade 2, actually.

Dan McCoy

[54:24] Blade 2 is certainly the best of the Blades.

S3

[54:25] It is.

[54:26] It's the best of the Blade movies.

[54:27] Mimic.

[54:29] They took that movie away from him.

[54:30] I will say that.

Elliott Kalan

[54:32] Okay.

[54:33] That's another one of those movies that's based on a five-page short story that...

S3

[54:36] How many times have I told you people I don't want this show to be a referendum on me defending the film?

[54:40] Mimic.

Dan McCoy

[54:42] That's a fair point.

[54:43] You mentioned that before we started.

[54:44] Seven or eight times, at least.

[54:46] And someone that, Elliot, you and I have met, directed Mimic 3, so there's that.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] Who directed Mimic 3?

[54:52] J.T. Petty?

[54:53] Oh, I forgot J.T. directed that.

[54:54] That's right.

[54:55] Newlywed J.T. Petty.

S3

[54:56] Regardless.

[54:57] Anyway, sorry.

[54:58] Kronos, interesting film based on ancient medieval technology,

[55:03] and the vampire comes through this artifact that this grandfather finds,

[55:07] and not to spoil the film,

[55:08] but it's a very, very interesting take in which the grandfather finds himself embroiled in this situation

[55:15] and having to raise a very small child at the same time

[55:19] and a lot of the same themes that you see in Pan's Labyrinth

[55:21] in terms of childhood and innocence,

[55:24] and also on a very low budget,

[55:26] very, very worth on Netflix.

Elliott Kalan

[55:28] All right.

[55:29] If you ever saw Monster Squad and you were like,

[55:31] there must be a better way to make this movie.

[55:34] Wait a minute.

[55:34] Better than Monster Squad?

[55:36] If you saw Monster Squad and said,

[55:38] I want to see a grandfather licking blood off a bathroom floor.

Dan McCoy

[55:41] Monster Squad is on the shelf behind you, Elliot.

[55:43] That's okay.

[55:45] So I don't know what that proves.

[55:48] Werewolf's got nards.

[55:49] Werewolf does have nards.

S3

[55:50] Is it Wolfman?

[55:51] It might be Wolfman.

[55:51] Wolfman.

Dan McCoy

[55:52] Wolfman's got nards.

[55:53] I'm the werewolf author, I am.

[55:54] Scary German guy.

[55:56] Anyway.

[55:57] Mimic.

[55:59] Mimic.

[55:59] Let's just take a psychedelic recap of what we talked about.

S3

[56:03] You know who's gotten short shrift in this podcast?

[56:05] The director of Mimic 2.

[56:07] Hey, who's that guy?

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] I don't even know.

[56:08] Listen, if Charles S. Dutton's not in it, I'm not interested.

[56:11] Colin to the show.

[56:12] It's not a Colin show, but Colin.

[56:14] Colin to the show that has no phone number.

Dan McCoy

[56:17] Tell us who directed Mimic 2.

[56:19] But in the meantime, we just want to say,

[56:21] Again, congratulations to Elliot.

[56:23] Again, we miss you, Stuart.

[56:26] I hope you're having a good time on your business trip.

[56:28] Yeah, wherever you are.

[56:29] Thank you to Rich for coming down and watching a movie

[56:33] that you would not have enjoyed otherwise.

[56:36] I had a great time.

[56:37] So, for the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[56:40] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[56:41] Good night.

[56:42] That was Rich Duncan.

Elliott Kalan

[56:47] I noticed that Sarah Schafer sang the song last time,

[56:49] and she did it wrong.

Dan McCoy

[56:51] Wild Hogs.

[56:59] Wild Hogs can't be broken.

[57:00] That's what I always say.

Elliott Kalan

[57:01] They came pre-broken.

[57:03] Wild Hearts can't be broken.

[57:05] The story of a woman who did something useless

[57:07] and then kept doing it,

[57:10] even when people told her to stop.

Dan McCoy

[57:12] If you like films about diving horses,

Elliott Kalan

[57:15] then this is the one and only film for you.

[57:20] Are we on?

[57:21] Yeah.

[57:21] We're always on.

[57:23] Sweet.

The Flop House: Episode #23 - Wild Hogs

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