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The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun
Transcript
Dan McCoy
[0:00]
And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.
[0:10]
Today on the Flophouse Movie Minute, instructions on how to make your own Flophouse.
[0:16]
Creating your own Flophouse can be a simple and fun rainy day activity for the whole family,
[0:21]
provided that your family is of legal drinking age and engages in a lot of casual swearing.
[0:26]
First, choose a title for your podcast.
[0:30]
The title should follow Principal Skinner's advice on The Simpsons.
[0:33]
It should seem witty at first, but seem less funny every time you hear it.
[0:38]
It should also contain a pun on the word flop,
[0:40]
meaning that you'll have to explain to people over and over again
[0:43]
that, yes, they're right that a particular movie was a box office success,
[0:48]
but that you also cover critical flops.
[0:50]
This will help you maintain an adversarial relationship with your devoted audience.
[0:56]
Next, you should pick a film to review.
[0:59]
Try to pick a movie that was lousy, but still major enough to justify you beating up on it.
[1:04]
Some poor indie filmmaker probably has enough problems without three jerks who have never made a movie razzing him.
[1:10]
Ideally, the film should star Hayden Christensen, Dane Cook, or Jessica Alba.
[1:15]
Science fiction, thrillers, and horror movies usually provide the best comic ammunition,
[1:20]
whereas comedies should only be used to torture Flophouse guest hosts.
[1:25]
Then you need to assemble a group of three co-hosts.
[1:28]
Your team should be comprised of a strategy game store manager with a low Seth Rogen-like voice,
[1:34]
a writer-producer from a hit cable news satire program who sort of sounds like an old-time newsboy,
[1:40]
and a largely unsuccessful comedy writer with a pleasant baritone,
[1:45]
except for when he erupts in girlish giggles, which is all the time.
[1:49]
You should make that guy be the show producer, which means he does all the editing
[1:53]
and pays for all the equipment and most of the beer.
[1:56]
Speaking of beer, two of your co-hosts should drink heavily while watching the film,
[2:01]
while one is teetotal, which might help explain why he's the most successful of the three.
[2:07]
In addition to drinking throughout the movie, you should also talk over most of it,
[2:12]
mostly wisecracks about the film, although general discussion about the day,
[2:16]
other movies you've seen, and talk of ordering takeout is also permitted.
[2:21]
This ensures that you absorb just enough of the film to dismiss it,
[2:26]
but not enough to make your opinion actually worth anything.
[2:29]
After you're done, you should then have your producer set up the recording equipment,
[2:34]
including the microphones, mixer, and the laptop,
[2:37]
in a configuration that only he understands,
[2:39]
but doesn't understand well enough to produce something with quality sound.
[2:43]
Then you should talk for approximately an hour,
[2:46]
despite repeated pleas by friends and family to make your podcast shorter.
[2:50]
Be rambling and digressive,
[2:52]
and occasionally let your cat paw at the microphones.
[2:56]
Afterwards, the producer should edit the program,
[2:58]
not for length, but to remove the constant stream of ums and other verbal tics,
[3:03]
and to normalize the volume,
[3:05]
because, when recording, it is vitally important
[3:08]
not to modulate your voices to a steady level.
[3:11]
Then, release your podcast,
[3:12]
where it will be enjoyed by a steady,
[3:14]
but never-increasing core of devoted fans,
[3:17]
despite your half-assed efforts to publicize it,
[3:19]
except for the one movie minute episode,
[3:21]
where one of you pitches a movie version of a second-rate comic strip,
[3:24]
like The Wizard of Id or Howard Huge.
[3:27]
That will become a brief internet success,
[3:30]
but will largely fail to introduce you to a larger audience.
[3:34]
And it's as simple as that.
[3:35]
So please, the next time you're looking for a fun way to pass the time,
[3:39]
why not try making your own flop house?
[3:42]
We could really use the copyright lawsuit money.
[3:44]
Thank you.
Description
We give you directions on how to make your own Flop House at home.
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