The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:10] Today on the Flophouse Movie Minute, instructions on how to make your own flophouse.

[0:16] Creating your own flophouse can be a simple and fun rainy day activity for the whole family,

[0:21] provided that your family is of legal drinking age and engages in a lot of casual swearing.

[0:26] First, choose a title for your podcast.

[0:30] The title should follow Principal Skinner's advice on The Simpsons.

[0:33] It should seem witty at first, but seem less funny every time you hear it.

[0:38] It should also contain a pun on the word flop, meaning that you'll have to explain to people

[0:42] over and over again that yes, they're right that a particular movie was a box office success,

[0:48] but that you also cover critical flops.

[0:51] This will help you maintain an adversarial relationship with your devoted audience.

[0:56] Next, you should pick a film to review.

[0:59] Try to pick a movie that was lousy, but still major enough to justify you beating up on it.

[1:04] Some poor indie filmmaker probably has enough problems without three jerks who have never

[1:08] made a movie razzing him.

[1:10] Ideally, the film should star Hayden Christensen, Dane Cook, or Jessica Alba.

[1:15] Science fiction, thrillers, and horror movies usually provide the best comic ammunition,

[1:20] whereas comedies should only be used to torture Flophouse guest hosts.

[1:25] Then you need to assemble a group of three co-hosts.

[1:29] Your team should be comprised of a strategy game store manager with a low, Seth Rogen-like

[1:33] voice, a writer-producer from a hit cable news satire program who sort of sounds like

[1:38] an old-time newsboy, and a largely unsuccessful comedy writer with a pleasant baritone, except

[1:45] for when he erupts in girlish giggles, which is all the time.

[1:49] You should make that guy be the show producer, which means he does all the editing and pays

[1:53] for all the equipment, and most of the beer.

[1:57] Speaking of beer, two of your co-hosts should drink heavily while watching the film, while

[2:01] one is teetotal, which might help explain why he's the most successful of the three.

[2:08] In addition to drinking throughout the movie, you should also talk over most of it.

[2:12] Mostly wisecracks about the film, although general discussion about the day, other movies

[2:17] you've seen, and talk of ordering takeout is also permitted.

[2:22] This ensures that you absorb just enough of the film to dismiss it, but not enough

[2:26] to make your opinion actually worth anything.

[2:30] After you're done, you should then have your producer set up the recording equipment, including

[2:34] the microphones, mixer, and the laptop, in a configuration that only he understands,

[2:39] but doesn't understand well enough to produce something with quality sound.

[2:43] Then you should talk for approximately an hour, despite repeated pleas by friends and

[2:48] family to make your podcast shorter.

[2:50] Be rambling and digressive, and occasionally let your cat paw at the microphones.

[2:55] Afterwards, the producer should edit the program, not for length, but to remove the constant

[3:00] stream of ums and other verbal tics, and to normalize the volume, because, when recording,

[3:06] it is vitally important not to modulate your voices to a steady level.

[3:11] Then, release your podcast where it will be enjoyed by a steady but never increasing core

[3:16] of devoted fans, despite your half-assed efforts to publicize it, except for the one

[3:20] movie minute episode where one of you pitches a movie version of a second-rate comic strip

[3:24] like The Wizard of Id or Howard Huge.

[3:28] That will become a brief internet success, but will largely fail to introduce you to

[3:32] a larger audience.

[3:33] And it's as simple as that.

[3:35] So please, the next time you're looking for a fun way to pass the time, why not try making

[3:40] your own flop house?

[3:42] We could really use the copyright lawsuit money.

[3:46] www.microsoft.com

[3:48] www.microsoft.com

[3:50] www.amazon.com

[3:52] www.facebook.com

The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun

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