The Flop House: Episode #28 - Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Just in time for the gift-centered holiday of your choice, we discuss the toy store film, Mr. McGoriam's Wonder Emporium.

[0:30] Hello everyone and welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] So, we're all back together.

[0:43] Yeah, that's cool.

[0:43] Back together again.

[0:45] Sure.

[0:45] Just like that song from Muppet's Take Manhattan.

[0:48] I don't remember that part.

Stuart Wellington

[0:49] It must have been a really good movie to draw us all together though, right?

[0:52] What about Reunited and It Feels So Good?

[0:55] That's not a movie.

[0:56] That's a song though.

[0:57] That's a good song, yeah.

[0:58] Your mic's drooping really weird.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] I know, this mic is having trouble staying erect.

[1:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] It needs mic agra.

[1:04] Yeah, I was...

[1:05] It's not even a pun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] No, I just took a word and put it into another word.

[1:10] It's called a portmanteau.

[1:11] Yeah.

[1:12] Yeah.

[1:13] If my mic stays erect for more than four hours, I have to call a mic doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16] Nice.

[1:18] Before the end of this podcast, I'll have thought of a good joke.

[1:21] Okay, you got time.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] Okay.

[1:22] The word priapism.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23] Try and work that in.

[1:25] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] It's a really big word though.

[1:27] So...

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] It is a very big word for a very big thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:32] For the holidays...

[1:34] Wait, wait.

[1:34] I know what I said.

[1:35] The holidays.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] The holidays.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] Because I'm part of a war on Christmas.

[1:40] I'm Christian.

[1:42] Stuart, you worship the old ones.

[1:45] And Ellie, you're Jewish.

[1:47] Yes.

[1:48] In seriousness.

[1:48] I worship the oldest one.

[1:50] Hmm.

[1:51] So, uh...

[1:53] We don't want to exclude anyone, but we watched a movie about toys.

[1:59] Was that movie toys?

Stuart Wellington

[2:00] No, I don't know.

[2:01] I kind of wish it was, and then I remembered that that movie wasn't very good.

[2:05] Except I really liked how at the end of that movie, where LL Cool J gets in some action scenes,

[2:10] and all the action scenes are really shaky, like Ridley Scott shot it.

[2:14] Ridley Scott didn't make that movie, right?

[2:15] No.

[2:16] No, that was Barry Levinson.

[2:17] I like that there was the...

[2:18] Best known for diner.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] The worst toy at the end, the kind of pig-squid thing in the giant well, and you never really

[2:24] got to see it.

[2:25] It was like a Dianoga.

[2:26] Yeah.

[2:27] But you never really got to see it, and I just remember seeing the movie and being like,

[2:30] what market was there for that toy?

[2:32] Even a military market.

[2:33] It's just some horrible thing that lives in the bottom of a well.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] The thing that really bugged me about toys, I mean, obviously...

[2:40] Let's discuss this 13-year-old movie.

[2:42] No, but even when I saw it at the time, when I was much younger and stupider, I thought,

[2:48] okay, well, this whole film has been building up this anti-war sentiment, and they're like,

[2:54] oh, you know, these peaceful toys are going to be taken over and may turn into war toys.

[2:58] And then at the end, how do they defeat the war toys?

[3:01] The peaceful toys fight them in a war.

[3:04] They have to learn to stand up on their own two toy feet.

Stuart Wellington

[3:07] I went to that movie expecting something really exciting, like a Tim Burton movie, or at the

[3:13] very least, like Mom and Dad Save the World, or Stay Tuned, or...

[3:19] Well, you know, there was that thrilling...

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Stay Tuned is an underrated film that I've not seen since I was 15 years old.

Dan McCoy

[3:24] It does have that Chuck Jones sequence.

[3:26] You're looking at me as if you don't believe it.

[3:28] I just didn't remember.

[3:30] The animated sequence was done by Chuck Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] In Toys, all I remember is the fake music video that they pipe into the security guards so

[3:40] they can sneak into the building.

Dan McCoy

[3:41] You were probably too thrilled, Stuart, by the trailer of Robin Williams standing in tall

[3:48] grass.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Yeah, well, it was just...

[3:51] It does combine both things you love.

[3:53] Tall grass and Robin Williams.

[3:55] Yeah, well, it was like...

[3:56] I was going through this big Fisher King...

Elliott Kalan

[3:57] You know what would make Patch Adams better?

[3:59] If it took place on a prairie.

[4:02] Or on the Serengeti.

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] Yeah, I mean, I was going through a real, like, Fisher King phase, and...

[4:07] Wait, Robin Williams was in Fisher King, right?

[4:09] Yes.

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] So, I naturally thought Toys would have scratched that itch, but it didn't.

[4:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:17] It wasn't very good.

[4:18] And it didn't have, say, Terry Gilliam at the helm.

[4:21] No.

[4:22] Or Jeff Bridges as well.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] Listen, Michael Gambon got a paycheck, that's all I care about.

Dan McCoy

[4:27] Yeah.

[4:27] Oh, yeah.

[4:28] LL Cool J got to be cool.

[4:31] Joan Cusack played some sort of robot woman, was she?

[4:34] Yeah.

[4:34] Joan Cusack was the best thing about that movie, which is not saying a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Well, and we've said this before, I think, in podcasts, she's the best thing about any

[4:41] movie.

Dan McCoy

[4:42] That's probably true.

[4:43] I don't know if I'm being heard on the microphone.

[4:45] I'd have to think.

[4:46] I mean...

[4:47] It takes a while.

[4:47] I mean, not any movie.

[4:48] Not the best movie.

[4:48] She's not the best thing about, like, The Manchurian Candidate.

[4:51] She's not in it.

[4:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] She's not the best thing about...

[4:56] No.

[4:56] I'm having trouble thinking of a movie she's in that she's not the best thing in.

Dan McCoy

[4:59] I'm just building in long pauses into the thing so I can edit them out later.

[5:02] I like to have something to do.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] You need a point where you can cut to a shot of a robot in a tuxedo sitting at a boardroom

[5:08] table.

Dan McCoy

[5:08] Oh, that sounds like a movie I just saw.

[5:10] Or a reference to a movie I just saw.

[5:12] Well, both.

[5:13] Yes.

[5:13] That movie was called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] And as always, with any movie where the title rhymes, it was great.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] Well, it's a good sign.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] Has there ever been a good movie with a rhyming title?

Stuart Wellington

[5:26] Probably.

[5:27] Okay.

[5:28] Well, that was very fair of you.

[5:29] The Gay Divorcee.

[5:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:32] There you go.

[5:33] Not the best Astaire Rogers, but still very good.

Stuart Wellington

[5:37] That's the movie we watch, right?

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:39] Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] Yeah, we watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, a movie I was very excited to watch.

[5:44] Yeah, again.

[5:44] Because it seems wrong-headed on every level.

[5:47] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] This movie really brought whimsy back to the national conversation.

[5:51] That's exactly what it did.

[5:53] Remember how?

[5:53] In all the wrong ways.

[5:55] Remember how after Mr. Magorium came out, there was so much whimsy, and people were just

[5:59] running around doing crazy things?

Stuart Wellington

[6:01] Well, didn't this movie come out around the same time as that movie where the animated

[6:07] girl comes to...

[6:08] Enchanted?

[6:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:09] This was a little before then, I think.

[6:11] Okay.

[6:12] No, I was talking about Cool World, dude.

[6:14] Okay, this was far after that.

[6:18] But I love about Cool World.

[6:19] It's the movie that introduces you to Gabriel Byrne, and then doesn't tell you for a little

[6:23] bit that he is not the hero of the film.

[6:25] It is, in fact, almost a side character at times.

[6:29] That is so true.

[6:30] Why bother?

Stuart Wellington

[6:31] It's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[6:32] The movie is like, huh, okay, well, we're going to have sort of a traditional Hollywood

[6:37] narrative that's going to be shunted off to the side at every opportunity to have crazy

[6:41] like Ralph Bakshi characters doing things in the sides of the screen that would horrify

[6:47] you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] It's very much a movie where you can see Ralph Bakshi arguing with the producers of the film

[6:52] in every single frame.

[6:54] So Mr. Magorium...

Stuart Wellington

[6:55] I was originally talking about Enchanted.

[6:57] Wasn't that also an attempt to capture America's love of whimsy?

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] A little bit, but that one made a little bit more sense.

[7:04] It had one clear gimmick, and Disney was doing it, and it was Disney being like, look at this,

[7:09] we can make fun of ourselves too.

[7:11] Yeah, okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:12] And Amy Adams, America's new sweetheart, was very sweethearty in that movie.

[7:18] She was adorable.

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] The alliterative sweetheart, Amy Adams.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] Daughter of John Adams.

[7:22] No.

[7:23] Adamses are very popular right now.

[7:25] There's a long gap.

[7:26] John Adams.

[7:27] Samuel Adams.

[7:28] John Quincy Adams.

[7:30] John Quincy Adams.

[7:32] But...

[7:32] Madam, I'm Adams.

[7:33] Mr. Magorium.

Dan McCoy

[7:36] Everyone's favorite palindrome.

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:38] Living palindrome.

[7:40] So Mr. Magorium's Wanderer Foreign is a wonderful place.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] He's a supervillain, the palindromic man.

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] Backwards or forwards, I'll put up a fight.

[7:48] That's my new supervillain character.

Dan McCoy

[7:51] That's pretty good.

[7:52] You can't sneak up on him.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] No, you can't.

[7:54] He's got eyes in the back of his head.

[7:55] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[7:56] We talk less and less about the movie every week.

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] Well, let's talk about Mr. Magorium's Wanderer Foreign, which is like, Willy Wonka, if you,

[8:02] if Willy Wonka had serious blood loss, and was really weak, and his skin was all, like,

[8:08] the skin of the movie was all pale.

[8:09] And imagine...

[8:10] He mumbled a lot, right?

[8:11] Who, Mr. Magorium?

[8:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:13] He mumbled...

[8:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] He talked kind of like Murder Face from Metalocalypse a little bit.

[8:18] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[8:18] Imagine instead of, like, Gene Wilder, or even Johnny Depp, you had...

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] Who, no matter what you say about that movie, it's a pale shadow of the original.

[8:28] Johnny Depp is very good in that role.

[8:30] There's a...

[8:30] It's a really good performance.

Dan McCoy

[8:31] There's a lot to like about the remake.

[8:33] Like, there's a lot to like about the original.

[8:35] There's a lot to like about the remake.

[8:36] I think that people are so...

[8:37] Well, the original's a classic, so...

[8:39] Yeah.

[8:40] Well, and also, like, I haven't made the mistake myself.

[8:42] I call it a remake.

[8:43] It's not a remake.

[8:44] They're both based on the same book.

[8:46] In fact, in a lot of ways, the second film hues closer to the doll book.

Elliott Kalan

[8:51] Yeah.

[8:53] Doll is right.

[8:54] Take that, Roald.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Man, good one.

[8:58] But Gene Wilder's great as Willy Wonka.

Stuart Wellington

[9:02] Will Dahl wrote one of the Bond movies, didn't he?

[9:05] He worked on it.

[9:06] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:06] I think he wrote the script.

[9:07] Yeah, I think you're right.

[9:08] He also wrote a bunch of semi-pornographic novels.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] They were all part of the same circle.

[9:14] Him and Ian Fleming and Kingsley Amos were all friends.

[9:17] That's why Kingsley Amos wrote the first non-Ian Fleming Bond book under a pseudonym after

[9:22] Fleming died.

Dan McCoy

[9:23] But before we started talking in circles, I was going to say that Dustin Hoffman as Mr.

[9:28] Magorian...

[9:28] Just teaching people about Kingsley Amos.

[9:30] Dustin Hoffman as Mr. Magorian in this movie.

[9:33] It's as if he was like, I'm going to play Willy Wonka, but I'm going to do it as like

[9:37] a gay character actor from like, I don't know, the late 50s.

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] And he got hit on the head at some point.

[9:43] And he's caught in a lot of brain damage.

[9:47] It sounds like...

[9:48] It's like if...

[9:49] What's his name?

[9:51] Franklin Pangborn from the old 30s movies was Willy Wonka.

[9:56] He's the guy...

[9:56] Whenever you see a 30s movie and there's like a hotel manager who gets flustered, that's

[10:00] Franklin Pangborn.

[10:01] I think his name is like, really?

[10:03] We don't let that happen in this hotel?

[10:06] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] Or like a less high-pitched, more lispy Ed Wynn.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Yeah.

[10:12] Or let's face it, if Charles Nelson Reilly played Willy Wonka, this is that movie.

Dan McCoy

[10:16] And if they had a sidekick that was a boyish praying mantis of a girl, which is Natalie Portman.

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] Natalie Portmanteau.

Dan McCoy

[10:27] Nordly Portman.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] Nordly Portmanteau.

[10:29] Nordly?

[10:31] Nordly Portmanteau.

[10:32] I'm writing my Mad Magazine parody of Mr. McGlorian's Wonderborium.

[10:36] Mr. Blacklorium's Wonderblackborium.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] Yeah, that's good stuff.

[10:41] Drawn by Jack Davis.

[10:42] Oh, I wish.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] I wish.

[10:44] If I could work with Jack Davis or Mort Drucker, that'd be awesome.

[10:48] That'd be as awesome as the He-Man original cell that someone gave me today.

[10:51] But anyway, that's besides the point.

[10:53] Now you're cell dropping.

[10:55] But anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[10:56] So we were in front of how Natalie Portman looks weird.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Well, she is not, I think, any of our idea of the perfect woman.

[11:04] Very severe.

[11:06] That was your word to describe it.

[11:08] Severe.

[11:09] And in this one, they've particularly de-sexed her because it's a children's film, I guess.

[11:13] But do you want me to go over the plot of Mr. McGlorian?

[11:15] Quickly.

[11:16] There's a magic toy store in an unnamed city.

[11:18] Wait a minute.

[11:19] Called Mr. McGlorian's Wonder Emporium.

[11:21] It works on magic.

[11:22] Everyone agrees to this.

[11:24] Magic.

[11:24] It just is.

[11:25] Mr. McGlorian is Dustin Hoffman.

[11:27] He's over 200 years old, which means he must have killed somebody at some point.

[11:31] You've got to assume.

[11:32] It was a much brutaler time back then.

[11:35] And he runs this store.

[11:36] Natalie Portman is named Mahoney and works for him.

[11:38] And there's a kid who's amazingly talented at everything but has no friends because he's a loner.

Dan McCoy

[11:43] And he has big ears and wears hats all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[11:45] And he collects hats and wears a different hat all the time.

[11:48] He's kind of gay, too.

[11:49] Dustin Hoffman, he says, I'm leaving soon, so I've got to hire an accountant.

[11:52] He hires Jason Bateman, who we actually were never given the backstory on him.

[11:56] He just doesn't believe in magic.

Stuart Wellington

[11:57] He's a normal person.

[11:58] He's just like a nerd or something.

Dan McCoy

[12:00] I wouldn't say a nerd.

[12:01] I would say he's a sane human being.

[12:02] He's a professional.

[12:03] Yeah, throughout the film.

[12:03] He walks into a toy store and doesn't assume it's magic or magic-based.

[12:08] Throughout the movie, we're given many situations in which Jason Bateman is a normal person.

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] Everyone else is cuckoo-wacky and irritating.

[12:18] And then Mr. McGoriam.

[12:20] Should I spoil it for the people at home?

[12:22] Sure.

[12:22] Okay, he's leaving.

[12:23] This is all stolen from Harold and Maude, so he plans to die on a certain day, and he does.

[12:28] And Natalie Portman doesn't believe it, and the store doesn't like it because the store is sentient.

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:33] Which is kind of strange.

[12:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:34] And the store's scared that once Mr. McGoriam goes, no one will believe in him and leave it anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] And he creates that self-fulfilling prophecy by becoming depressing and boring, the store that is.

[12:44] Natalie Portman doesn't know what to do, and then in the end, everyone believes in themselves, and magic comes back, and the store's okay.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:51] And it's kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[12:51] Name brand toys are purchasable again.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] This is the thing.

[12:54] It's a magic store.

[12:56] There's all sorts of crazy characters running around.

[12:58] Kermit is shopping in it at one point.

[13:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:01] This really bothered me because, like...

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] What I like to believe is, also, it's a magic store, so Kermit can exist in it, but outside of the store, he's just a puppet.

[13:10] So is he trapped there?

[13:10] Is he a prisoner of the store?

Dan McCoy

[13:12] There's a ten-second shot of Kermit, like, just, like, him walking along with a basket, and, like, all these...

[13:18] Then they catch a bunch of kids, like, bug-eyed at him, and he's like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] I'm just shopping.

[13:23] Just shopping.

[13:23] Like, doing, like...

[13:24] Your Kermit sounds so much like Hank Hill.

[13:25] Yeah, sorry.

[13:27] Miss Piggy.

Stuart Wellington

[13:28] That Gonzo ain't right.

Dan McCoy

[13:31] Yeah, but, uh...

[13:32] My Hank Hill's never a good one.

[13:34] I need a better Gonzo.

Elliott Kalan

[13:35] Let's hear it.

[13:36] This looks familiar.

[13:39] It's pretty good.

[13:40] Fakely familiar.

[13:42] You sound like whoever does Gonzo's voice.

[13:44] Um, uh, oh, shit, I know that.

[13:46] Considering he was my favorite character as a kid, I'm surprised I don't know who does his voice.

Stuart Wellington

[13:49] Wait, Gonzo was your favorite character, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] As a kid he was.

[13:51] Now I like Kermit, because I'm a saner individual than I was.

[13:55] Okay.

[13:56] But, um...

[13:56] But anyway, so...

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] Kermit's just, like, walking along, shopping.

[13:58] What was Gonzo again?

[14:00] He was a Gonzo.

[14:01] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:02] Uh, in the non-canonical Muppets from Space...

[14:05] They, uh...

[14:07] They suggest that he's an alien.

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] Clearly you decided what's in the canon and what's...

[14:09] After Henson died, nothing...

[14:12] Where does...

[14:12] So, Christmas Carol?

[14:13] Muppet Christmas Carol?

[14:14] That's not in the canon?

[14:15] Treasure Island?

[14:16] Yeah.

[14:16] Muppet Treasure Island?

[14:17] No.

[14:17] Everything after takes Manhattan.

[14:19] Meet the Feebles?

[14:19] Is that in the canon?

[14:21] It's in the Peter Jackson canon.

[14:23] Uh, along with Lord of the Rings.

[14:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] They take place in the same universe, just at very different times.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] But anyway, the weird thing is it's Mr. McGrawiam's Wonder Emporium.

[14:32] It's all, like, stuffed animals and wooden toys and, you know, the kinds of things that

[14:35] Santa would make in his wardrobe.

[14:36] Finger paints.

[14:37] But then there's also, like, Kinex and, like, Playmobil figures.

[14:42] Hot Wheels.

[14:42] Hot Wheels, very prominently placed.

[14:44] Like, Slinkies.

[14:45] All these name-brand toys.

[14:47] And it's like...

[14:47] Well, he's got to pay the bills somehow.

[14:48] It's like Mr. McGrawiam knows which side of the bread is buttered, you know?

[14:51] He knows he needs to put out some hot...

[14:54] Like, I was expecting it.

[14:55] And RoboSapiens up the shitter.

[14:57] There's RoboSapiens everywhere in that store.

[15:00] But I was expecting at one point just a shot of kids playing Xbox or something.

[15:04] Like, if you're selling all these RoboSapiens and things, why have a room full of rubber

[15:07] balls or, you know...

[15:09] Yeah, there's...

[15:10] All this other nonsense.

Dan McCoy

[15:11] He's got a mobile made of live fish.

[15:14] He has a room that you can set to different settings.

[15:16] Like, one of them, balls.

[15:19] You know, the first thing I think of is not necessarily...

[15:21] Sure.

[15:22] ...rubber balls when I just see balls on something.

[15:24] But you open the door and a bunch of CGI balls bounce around these kids.

[15:28] Yeah, a lot of CGI in this movie, which is another problem.

[15:30] Just magical stuff, but then, yeah.

[15:32] Just magic.

[15:33] Just magic.

[15:34] Your average magical shit.

[15:35] Well, see, I believe in magic.

[15:37] Oh, I don't.

[15:38] So if Mr. Magorium will to store to me, there'd be no problem.

[15:42] Hint, hint, Mr. Magorium, if you're listening.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] But they, like, and also everything with CGI.

[15:47] It's like, one of the great things about Willy Wonka, the original...

[15:50] The Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is that it's like, everything looks...

[15:54] Not real, like, those Oompa Loompas look like real Oompa Loompas.

[15:57] But, like, it all exists in a physical space.

[16:00] Like, even when Mike TV is shrunk down,

[16:03] it still has the...

[16:04] Because it's him and he's not shrunk into, like, a CGI Mike TV,

[16:07] it still looks...

[16:08] There's a certain amount of reality to it.

[16:10] And, Stuart, this was something that you picked up on and were very critical of throughout the film.

Stuart Wellington

[16:14] Yeah, very, very biting commentary, I think.

[16:18] But, yeah, no, that was the thing.

[16:20] Like, do you think that they chose to put shitty CGI in there?

[16:23] Because they're like, ah, a bunch of fucking kids are gonna watch this.

[16:26] I don't give a shit.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Possibly.

[16:27] I think they just didn't...

[16:28] They're like, everyone's gonna be paying attention to Dustin Hoffman's amazing performance.

Dan McCoy

[16:33] He's gonna be magnetic, so...

[16:34] Well, like I said at the time, the climax of the film hinges on a magical block of wood.

[16:41] And it's just a block of wood.

[16:42] It's, like, supposed to be just a block of wood, but then it flies around the store.

[16:45] It's magic.

[16:46] And I was like, oh, it's good that they did that in CGI,

[16:49] because a block of wood isn't something you can just get anywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] Well, I think they originally shot it without a block of wood.

[16:56] Oh.

[16:57] And then it's a CGI block of...

[16:59] Wait.

[16:59] Probably like a tennis ball or something.

[17:01] Yep.

[17:01] And, I mean, I think they were kind of relying on Jason Bateman's amazing performance.

[17:06] His...

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] Just like...

[17:06] And he's got Joan Cusack Syndrome.

[17:09] He's the best thing in whatever he's in.

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] Yeah.

[17:11] I mean, I didn't see the kingdom.

[17:13] Including Teen Wolf 2.

[17:15] Well, he's the star of that film.

[17:17] But there was...

[17:18] Let's...

[17:18] Hancock.

[17:19] He's in Hancock.

[17:20] And Hancock, which I haven't seen yet.

[17:22] I was so hoping...

[17:23] When the posters for Hancock first came out, it was just Will Smith scrunching his face up

[17:27] and just said Hancock.

[17:28] I was so hoping that he was somehow playing John Hancock.

[17:31] And it was like, the British think they can shut down my smuggling operation?

[17:35] Whatever.

[17:37] Sign my name.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] Or it was like a modern version, like John Hancock comes back in 2008.

[17:42] Yeah.

[17:42] In the body of a black guy.

Elliott Kalan

[17:44] Wasn't that movie called Soul Man?

[17:45] To learn a little something about racism.

[17:47] Soul Man was...

[17:48] Well, there's more than one movie called Soul Man, but...

[17:50] Oh, God.

[17:51] Oh, but if we can talk...

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] We're talking about really good special effects.

[17:54] But if we can talk...

[17:55] This movie's full of them.

[17:55] What were you talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] If we can talk about story structure for a second here.

[17:58] Sure, of course.

[17:59] As I'm sure everyone who's taken my learning annex class would have been able to tell.

[18:04] There's just scene after scene of whimsy.

[18:07] Very forced, like, this store is crazy and full of magic.

[18:11] And then it takes forever for the story to kick in.

[18:14] And then it just kind of like lurches forward in steps.

[18:17] And there are things that don't make sense.

[18:18] Like, none of the characters' backgrounds are really fleshed out that much.

[18:21] There's a guy, there's a huge mustachioed guy who at the beginning of the movie we're told...

[18:26] It's narrated by the kid with no friends.

[18:28] He says, this is, you know, Bellini.

[18:30] He writes the story.

[18:31] And you'll see it.

[18:33] And then it's kind of forgotten.

[18:34] Like, Bellini finishes writing the book, what, 20 minutes before the movie ends?

[18:38] And he's just forgotten?

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] I think the kid even makes a point, like, this is one of my favorite stories.

[18:43] It's like, hold on there now, kid.

[18:45] Don't church it up too much.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] And also, they should have named Bellini Stromboli.

[18:50] That goes without saying.

Dan McCoy

[18:52] But also, you start the movie at two levels of remove.

[18:54] You're like, okay, so this kid is talking about the story.

[18:57] This other guy wrote.

[18:58] And I guess I'm going to see that.

[19:00] So that's a terrible framing device.

[19:02] Thank God that they framed it.

[19:03] Because if they'd just done it as a straight narrative, can you imagine the mess?

[19:07] You know, you have to tell it a little...

[19:08] I'd be like, am I watching a story right now?

Stuart Wellington

[19:10] Yeah, did he make this up?

[19:12] Or...

[19:13] Is this supposed to be in my imagination right now?

[19:15] I don't know what's going on.

[19:17] Am I watching a movie?

[19:18] I don't remember.

[19:20] Am I alive?

[19:21] Or am I in heaven?

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] But it's like, even if it's a movie for kids...

[19:26] Is this a documentary?

[19:28] It's a movie for kids, so it has to be a little simpler.

[19:30] Like, it can't be Chinatown.

[19:32] But you can still have a story that moves from scene to scene.

[19:35] And it isn't like...

[19:37] Set piece.

[19:38] The purpose of this set piece is to show that magic is wonderful.

[19:41] Scene two.

[19:42] Now we're going to show that Mr. McGoriam believes in magic.

[19:45] Scene three.

[19:46] Mr. McGoriam says something crazy.

[19:48] Scene four.

[19:49] Magic is wonderful.

[19:50] Look at those Hot Wheels.

[19:52] And so, buy Hot Wheels, kids.

[19:54] And for some reason, Simmons mattresses.

[19:56] They go to a mattress store at one point, and there's a big Simmons sign in the background.

[19:59] Well, let's talk about this.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] Natalie Portman is so disturbed by the idea that Mr. McGoriam is going to die sometime.

[20:06] In spite of the fact that he's 250 years old, and is probably praying for death at this point.

[20:11] Yeah, well, the inside of his body is sick.

[20:13] Barely a lot.

[20:14] Yeah.

[20:15] So she, like, forcibly has him admitted into the hospital, being like, this guy's crazy.

[20:22] See?

[20:23] He's always talking about how he's 250 years old and has a magic toy store.

Elliott Kalan

[20:27] I'm like, this is horrible.

[20:28] That conceit ends after about four seconds.

Dan McCoy

[20:30] Yeah.

[20:30] Well, the doctor's like, there's nothing physically wrong with him, so we can't hold him.

[20:34] I'm like, what about the fact that he's crazy?

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] Yeah, but it's not a...

[20:37] I mean, it's a hospital.

[20:38] It's not a mental institution.

Stuart Wellington

[20:39] I guess.

[20:39] Do they do tests on him?

[20:40] Like, could they tell?

[20:42] Like, can't you do something like what they do with a tree and figure out how old he is?

[20:45] Yeah, they cut him open and they counted his rays.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] I thought you were like, can't they do tests to prove that he's magic?

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] You're scoring very high on a magicometer.

Dan McCoy

[20:55] They take out a shill of the midichlorians.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] His urine starts, like, flying around the room.

[20:59] Mr. McGlorian's midichlorian count is incredibly high.

[21:02] It's through the roof.

[21:03] You could be the next...

[21:04] Wait, what do they call him?

Stuart Wellington

[21:06] I don't know.

[21:06] He has some special name for Anakin, right?

[21:08] Yeah, but like...

[21:09] And at that point, of course, Natalie Portman would be like, ah, not again!

[21:13] Yeah.

[21:14] Annie!

[21:15] She was in the Star Wars movie.

[21:17] Sure.

[21:18] She played Queen Amygdala.

[21:21] She had babies.

[21:23] Darth Vader's babies.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] Yeah, and then she died out of a lack of will to live.

[21:26] That was so...

[21:26] It's like she lost the will to live.

[21:29] And I got so mad because I was like, what about her fucking kids she just had?

Stuart Wellington

[21:32] It's like a robot?

[21:34] Like, was that like analyzed?

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] I do love that the robot...

[21:36] There's a nurse bot that knows human emotion better than the Jedi's do.

[21:40] Like, that scene would have worked so much better if she died, and the nurse bot was like,

[21:44] I don't understand.

[21:45] Her vital signs are fine.

[21:46] And someone said, she just lost the will to live.

[21:49] And the robot's like, huh?

[21:51] And looks confused.

[21:52] And then melts.

[21:52] Yeah, and then melts out of a logic loop.

[21:55] Yeah, shooting at sparks out of a tease.

[21:56] It's just like the Kobayashi Maru.

Dan McCoy

[21:58] Or if there's a later scene where you see the robot at home, where the robot's like,

[22:02] I didn't have the heart to tell them I never passed my robot medical exam.

[22:06] I've been practicing without a robot license.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Oh, I lost the will to live.

[22:12] I guess that's...

[22:12] Really?

[22:13] Because they're bleeding all over the place.

[22:14] Is that really what...

[22:15] Man, 15 of your patients lost the will to live this week.

[22:19] It's terrible.

[22:20] You got the worst luck, nurse bot.

[22:22] Yeah, I know.

[22:23] Pretty bad, huh?

[22:25] Beep, beep, boop, boop.

[22:26] Oh, rats.

Dan McCoy

[22:28] Now it's someone just pretending to be a robot?

[22:30] Yeah, pretty much.

[22:31] Beep, beep, boop, boop.

Elliott Kalan

[22:34] No Java wonga.

Dan McCoy

[22:36] But after...

[22:36] But after, like, Natalie Portman comes to her senses and is like, oh, okay, everyone has

[22:42] to die sometime.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Yeah, it's basically the Mr. Hooper episode of Sesame Street, but worse.

Dan McCoy

[22:46] She's like, I'm gonna show you the best, most whimsical day you've ever had.

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] I'm gonna out-whimsy the shit out of you.

Dan McCoy

[22:53] Yeah, she's like, I'm gonna be five times as whimsical as the character I play in Garden

[22:57] State.

[22:58] And that was whimsical.

[23:00] Yeah.

[23:00] That shit was fucking retarded.

Stuart Wellington

[23:02] But yeah, like, and their attempt at, like, showing how great life is was them, like, jumping

[23:09] on fucking mattresses in a mattress store.

[23:11] Yeah, they go to a mattress store.

Dan McCoy

[23:13] And then they went to a clock shop and they set all the clocks to go off.

[23:17] No!

[23:18] Yeah, but when they're jumping on those mattresses, like, they were just literally jumping on

[23:22] two mattresses side by side.

[23:23] They didn't, like, jump from mattress to mattress.

[23:25] No, they didn't do anything fun.

[23:27] Yeah, and then there was a cut to, like, a big mustachioed guy being like, I guess, holy

[23:31] shit, they're ruining the springs of my mattresses.

[23:32] I assume he's the manager of the mattress store.

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] Yeah.

[23:34] And he's not gonna sell those.

Stuart Wellington

[23:37] How is he gonna feed his family?

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] I want to give him the backstory of the salesman who sold me my mattress years ago, who

[23:42] told me all about how he came back from Vietnam and worked his way up through the

[23:45] mattress business.

[23:47] So, I think I hear that.

[23:48] On his back.

[23:50] I'm just trying to fill in the background of these characters who exist only as cartoons.

[23:53] And then, the piece de resistance of this day of life, this celebration of the joy of

[24:00] life, is, Mr. Wellington?

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] They unroll a big thing of, like, a packing, whatever, packing, what do you call it?

[24:08] Bubble wrap.

[24:08] Yeah, bubble wrap.

[24:10] And she has him dance on it.

[24:13] Yeah.

[24:13] And he pops it a bunch.

[24:15] And, like...

[24:16] And she laughs and laughs and laughs.

[24:18] Why is that, like...

[24:20] Laughs her full head off.

[24:20] Why is bubble wrap, like, go hand in hand with, like, childhood glee?

[24:25] Like, is there...

Elliott Kalan

[24:26] Have you ever popped bubble wrap?

[24:27] It is fun to pop.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] I mean, I enjoy it.

[24:29] Well, it's not that it isn't fun to pop.

[24:30] But I don't think that's, like, the last thing I want to do before I die, though.

[24:32] And then he used a public pay phone to call somebody.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] Yeah, why does that, like, reaffirm his, like, will to live?

[24:38] Like, oh my god, this is what life is all about.

Elliott Kalan

[24:40] But it doesn't reaffirm his will to live, because he dies afterwards.

Stuart Wellington

[24:42] Why does she think it will reaffirm...

[24:43] Why?

[24:45] Okay?

[24:45] Because she's stupid.

[24:47] He could have been with us for longer, you know, is what I'm saying.

[24:50] If she had done more, I'd rather...

Dan McCoy

[24:51] Rest in peace, Mr. Morgan.

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] And they do show his tombstone at one point.

[24:57] And his...

[24:57] Yes, his pet zebra does attend the funeral.

[25:00] But there's the...

[25:01] Maybe that scene was just to show how unmagical Natalie Portman is, so she can rediscover

[25:05] her love of magic later.

[25:06] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[25:07] But he seems to enjoy it.

[25:08] But speaking of...

[25:10] I think he was just humoring her.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] Speaking of Mr. McGoran...

Stuart Wellington

[25:12] I think you're reading into his performance.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] My last day on Earth is going to be so unpleasant if I don't pretend to enjoy this.

Dan McCoy

[25:19] Speaking of Mr. McGoran ruining other small businessmen, as he seemed to do during his...

[25:26] Yeah, or just irritate them.

[25:28] Whimsy, part of what Jason Bateman discovers when he comes in to be, like, the accountant

[25:33] is that Mr. McGoran hasn't been paying for things, or, like, hasn't paid taxes, or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] His entire career.

[25:41] He's had the store for probably, what, a hundred and some odd years?

[25:43] Yeah.

[25:44] Ever since he came from the old country?

Dan McCoy

[25:45] And we're meant to be, like, I guess as the audience think, like, oh, magic is free?

[25:50] You don't pay for magic, you old fuddy-duddy.

[25:53] But he's got these bills.

[25:54] Wanting to...

[25:55] Use money?

[25:56] Who's sending him bills if his store is magic?

Stuart Wellington

[25:58] It's the same problem I had with...

[26:00] Mr. McGoran's a real dick.

Elliott Kalan

[26:01] There's other magic stores around the world, obviously.

[26:04] It's the same problem I had with Fred Claus, the trailer, because I didn't see the film,

[26:07] which is, if Santa Claus is magic, why is there a consortium of business interests that's

[26:12] investing in him?

[26:13] Like, he shouldn't need money.

[26:15] It doesn't make sense.

[26:16] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[26:17] Yeah, but in this case, he, like, Mr. McGoran is apparently trading money for goods and

[26:22] or services.

[26:22] And he doesn't pay his taxes.

[26:23] But he doesn't pay his bills.

[26:24] He doesn't pay his taxes either.

[26:25] He just throws it in the back room.

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:29] Waits for Bateman to come clear it up.

[26:30] Turns it into a paper airplane.

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] I'm, yeah, I'm absent-minded.

[26:34] Blah!

[26:35] Blah!

[26:36] You're coming with us, Mr. McGoran.

[26:37] You haven't paid your taxes in a hundred years.

[26:39] But I can't go to prison!

[26:42] I'm Mr. McGoran.

[26:44] I'm Mr. McGoran.

[26:45] Just break out!

[26:46] I'll kill you all!

Stuart Wellington

[26:47] I like to think that they took him to prison, but let him out because he was fucking annoying.

[26:51] Yeah.

[26:52] The other prisoners complained?

[26:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:54] I just want to say, I don't know about you guys, but I'm waiting for this guy's, this

[26:57] director's next film, Mr. Mandelabra's Candelabra's, because that's going to be pretty awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[27:02] It's a pretty good one.

[27:03] How long you work on that one, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[27:06] Well, I did make a joke about Mr. Mandelier's Chandelier's during the film.

[27:10] Oh, yeah.

[27:11] So I just thought that Candelabra was a funny one.

Elliott Kalan

[27:12] He's doing a slice of life drama called Mr. Malerapy's Marriage Therapy.

[27:20] Starring Gabriel Burns.

[27:23] Every day it's a different patient.

[27:26] What a hook.

[27:27] Mr. Malotline's Suicide Hotline.

[27:29] Oh, man.

[27:31] Mr. Gagorshanist's Magic of...

[27:33] Okay.

[27:34] I don't even need to finish that one.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] Oh, man.

[27:37] We had some laughs right there.

[27:38] Woo.

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] Mr. McGoranoffer's Magic Pornography.

[27:43] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] Man, we could do that forever.

[27:45] Ah!

Elliott Kalan

[27:46] Any occupation that you can rhyme things with.

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:49] That's part of it.

[27:49] Why don't you do it at home, listeners?

[27:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:50] That's how you do the formation of the joke, right?

[27:52] Think of an inappropriate occupation and then reverse engineer a title.

[27:57] Like Penis Gobbler.

[27:59] I'll show you.

[28:00] That would be Mr. McGobblers.

[28:02] No, that doesn't make sense.

[28:03] Mr. Menis Gobblers.

[28:05] Mr. Mark Knopfler's Penis Gobblers.

[28:08] Exactly.

[28:09] Which is a great album.

[28:10] You should buy it.

[28:13] Maybe for your dad for Christmas.

[28:15] Yeah, it sounds good.

[28:15] I think your dad enjoys the smooth sounds of Mark Knopfler.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] The Dire Straits album, Penis Gobblers.

[28:21] Oh, dear.

[28:23] We do have fun.

[28:23] This was supposed to be called I Still Want My MTV.

[28:26] Why did you?

[28:27] Who made this unauthorized title change?

[28:29] Mr. Knopfler, right?

[28:31] Well, we didn't expect you to come down here, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] We were just screwing around, but we were just fooling around with Photoshop.

[28:38] And, well, we accidentally had saved.

Elliott Kalan

[28:42] And by then the system was in charge.

[28:44] It was too late.

[28:45] Ah, Mr. McGoriam.

[28:46] But I guess it was just everything about it was so forced.

Dan McCoy

[28:50] That was the...

[28:51] Yes.

[28:52] Everything was so forced.

[28:53] But then, like, at moments, real life would intrude when it shouldn't.

[28:57] Like, there was like an odd scene.

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] There was that weird scene where they were watching the towers collapse on television.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] That seemed inappropriate.

[29:03] That really broke the mood of the film.

[29:06] This is...

[29:07] Okay, like...

[29:07] It's too soon.

[29:08] I'm talking about, though...

[29:09] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[29:09] Too soon.

[29:10] That kid, like, the little kid, the eight-year-old, like...

[29:13] With the hats.

[29:13] Kid with the hats.

[29:14] Like, his mom's telling him to make friends, so he makes friends...

[29:16] Wait, which kid?

[29:18] The one with the hats.

[29:18] Oh, yeah, right.

[29:19] With the big ears.

[29:20] Oh, okay.

[29:21] He makes friends with Jason Bateman.

[29:23] You know, the insufferable one.

[29:24] And so...

[29:25] The one with the hats.

[29:25] Jason Bateman walking home for safety.

[29:28] And then we cut to a scene of him and Jason Bateman putting hats on in his room and play acting.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] Doing some cosplay.

[29:35] Doing cosplay.

[29:36] One's a king and the other is a jester.

Dan McCoy

[29:38] And then his mom comes in and is like...

[29:40] I know that one.

[29:41] What's going on here?

[29:42] As you would if a strange adult man was with your young child.

[29:47] In his bedroom.

[29:48] Unattended.

[29:49] With crazy hats on.

[29:50] And then the scene just sort of ends and is not referred to again.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] With his sport coat off.

[29:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] Yeah.

[29:55] And his sleeves were unbuttoned.

[29:57] Yeah.

[29:58] Which if I was the mother, I would assume he is getting undressed.

Dan McCoy

[30:01] Well, and there's a moment.

[30:01] Well, so it doesn't get any fluid on it.

[30:03] There's a moment where clearly the audience, the adult audience is supposed to be like,

[30:05] ha ha, I get it.

[30:06] She thinks he's a pedophile.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] That is a good point.

[30:13] That is what we're supposed to think.

[30:15] It's like, uh oh, she's going to think it's...

[30:16] She's going to be suspicious, but she is suspicious of his pedophilia.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] It's like that type of joke when somebody walks in hearing two people talking and just assumes

[30:24] that they're talking about blowjobs or something.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] Yeah.

[30:26] That's a little different.

[30:28] She's a little bit more justified in her fears, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] Well, yeah.

[30:31] But obviously in the scenario I'm talking about like one person's like, you know,

[30:36] straightening somebody's belt or...

Elliott Kalan

[30:38] My favorite one, something like that from Three's Company was, uh, there was a nun who let...

[30:44] Like a nun came and stayed at their house, this young attractive nun.

[30:48] And she is talking to one of the women who lives there.

[30:51] And she's like, oh, I receive all these letters from other nuns looking for advice.

[30:55] Here's one right here.

[30:56] Let me read it to you.

[30:58] I just met a young man and he's so handsome.

[31:00] I don't know what to do.

[31:01] I'm so attracted to him that I fear that I'm going to leave the order.

[31:05] And John Ritter is about to walk into the room and then he overhears, tell me what to do.

[31:10] I don't want to break my vows against God.

[31:12] But I still...

[31:12] But I love this man so much.

[31:14] And John Ritter's like, oh, she must be talking about me.

[31:17] I better go.

[31:18] But just the whole pretense of, let me read to you aloud from this letter that I received from a nun in trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] Let me read this penthouse forum and oops.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] Here, let's perform this scene from a play where we're coming on to each other.

Stuart Wellington

[31:31] What?

[31:31] But it's not what it looks like.

Dan McCoy

[31:32] It's also funny because it's like, it's not even a double entendre.

[31:35] No, single.

[31:36] He's just worried that he's going to ruin this nun's life.

[31:39] He's like, oh, she's a nun.

[31:41] She shouldn't be lusting after me, John Ritter.

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] Star of Stay Tuned, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] Yes, star of the great Stay Tuned.

[31:48] Him and Jeffrey Jones.

[31:49] They should have made so many movies together.

Dan McCoy

[31:50] Jeffrey Jones was in Mom and Dad Save the World, right?

[31:52] Yes, he was.

[31:53] That was part of the Jeffrey Jones Renaissance.

[31:57] Renaissance?

[31:58] Is that the cool way to say it?

[32:01] I believe it's pronounced Renaissance.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] Rene Zoegersance.

[32:07] I see.

[32:07] Mr. McGloriam.

Stuart Wellington

[32:09] Okay, so, man.

[32:10] Are we done talking about it?

[32:12] Are we done?

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] It could be.

[32:13] I mean, I could talk all day about that ballroom, but, you know, room full of balls.

[32:19] Oh, right.

[32:19] I thought we were talking about an actual ballroom.

[32:20] Oh, and also there was that sad sock monkey that I guess wanted a friend.

[32:23] That's creepy.

[32:24] But he would just sulk.

Dan McCoy

[32:26] Yeah, there's a sock monkey who keeps, like, reaching out sadly to Jason Bateman throughout

[32:31] the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[32:32] How did the Emporium make money?

[32:33] Like, most of the time it was just kids farting around and, like, messing shit up.

[32:37] We saw them make two sales.

[32:39] Two sales total.

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:40] But they were...

[32:41] And one was, like, one of her college friends.

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] Yeah, that was weird that that went nowhere.

[32:45] Yeah, nowhere at all.

[32:46] Since we had already been introduced to the character of Mahoney, there was no reason for her college

[32:50] friend to be like, Mahoney?

[32:51] I remember you.

[32:52] You're still working at this store?

[32:54] I thought you were going to play piano.

[32:55] It's like, we know this.

[32:56] The narrator told us this.

[32:58] There's no reason for this scene to exist.

Stuart Wellington

[33:00] Yeah, I mean, it's not like...

[33:01] They could have played up, like, the idea that she desires the life that this guy has,

[33:06] or...

[33:06] Yeah, exactly.

[33:08] Maybe she was in love with him, or they had a really awkward date or something.

[33:10] Or just who they were.

Dan McCoy

[33:12] Yeah, what their relationship was.

Stuart Wellington

[33:13] Sure.

[33:14] Although, I...

Dan McCoy

[33:15] It's like that scene in Fargo, where Marge meets the old...

[33:17] No, that's a brilliant scene.

[33:19] That's totally different.

[33:20] That's exactly like Mr. McGuire.

[33:21] No, it's very different.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] They're two very different movies.

[33:24] It's the same scene.

[33:24] No.

[33:25] I think you'll find them.

[33:25] They're very...

[33:26] They're very...

[33:27] This is like a...

[33:28] It's like a...

Dan McCoy

[33:28] It's like a Spence and Psycho.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] It's shot in shot.

[33:31] If I can name drop slightly, I was talking to Mr. John Oliver, who, of course, appeared

[33:35] in The Love Guru, and I mentioned...

[33:37] And I used that as a ripost to something he said to me, and he goes, you know, when

[33:41] you think about it, Love Guru is a movie.

[33:44] Just like Citizen Kane is a movie.

[33:46] And it made me so mad that there was no way to differentiate the mediums between these

[33:52] two films.

[33:54] I was going to say...

[33:55] Oh, what was interesting about this movie is if it had been made in the 80s, the early

[33:58] 90s, then like Toys, it would have been about the military finding out about this magic

[34:02] store with its magic book that creates anything and trying to steal its secrets.

[34:07] But instead, since it was set now, it was about bills and, you know, not being able to pay

[34:12] them and so forth.

Stuart Wellington

[34:13] Sure.

[34:14] Yeah.

[34:15] People losing their whimsy.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] But it felt like...

[34:17] Or it would be about like a giant corporation trying to...

[34:19] Like, every movie I feel like when we were kids was either Toys or Santa Claus the movie.

[34:24] Yeah.

[34:24] Where it was about a corporation or the military trying to steal a magic character's secrets.

[34:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:28] Or like, you know, the local bikini car wash being shut down.

[34:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] You were really hoping there was going to be a bikini car wash in this.

[34:35] I...

[34:35] What was it going to be?

[34:35] Is it going to be the kid with the hats and Natalie Portman wearing bikinis?

[34:38] I don't...

[34:39] I think the toys.

[34:40] Yeah.

[34:41] The toys.

[34:41] Sexy, sexy toys.

[34:42] I mean, I don't think...

[34:43] A lot of robo-sapiens in bikinis wash it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] I don't think anything would have been gained by having Natalie Portman being a bikini.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] Wow.

[34:50] Ouch.

[34:50] I hope she's not listening to this.

[34:52] I still like you, Natalie.

[34:54] That's very nice.

[34:55] If you are listening.

Stuart Wellington

[34:56] Maybe that...

[34:57] Are you listening?

[34:58] You're right.

[34:58] What?

[34:59] Maybe the annoying kid's mom.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] She was a little too Allison Janney-ish for me.

Stuart Wellington

[35:02] She wore a lot of, like, pantsuits, but...

[35:05] Yeah, well, she was professional.

[35:07] Yeah, but, you know, those are the hottest kind, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] I want to believe that she was Hillary Clinton with the pantsuits and everything.

[35:12] Oh, okay.

[35:13] They were the wrong color, but that makes the movie that much more interesting to me.

[35:16] If she has a second life as a single mom with a lonely child.

Stuart Wellington

[35:20] Kind of like Reba?

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] Yes.

[35:23] Just like Reba McIntyre's character on her show, Reba.

[35:25] Or like Grace Underfire.

[35:28] The eponymous Reba.

[35:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:29] Was Reba a single mom in that show?

Stuart Wellington

[35:31] Yeah, the song tells you that in the beginning.

[35:34] She works too hard, but she loves her kids.

[35:37] She's got the heart of a fighter.

Dan McCoy

[35:41] Let's go on to our final judgment on Mr. McGorin.

[35:43] Final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[35:47] Flophouse final judgments.

[35:48] Brought to you by Nabisco.

[35:50] A current affair.

[35:53] The Flophouse is brought to you by Rolled Gold Pretzels.

Dan McCoy

[35:58] The rollediest pretzels.

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] I watched The X-Files for years when it was on TV, and the thing that sticks with me most

[36:04] is the bumpers where they go, The X-Files is brought to you by...

[36:08] It's just the quick voice change that the guy had to do between The X-Files voice and

[36:12] the Rolled Gold Pretzels voice.

Dan McCoy

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:16] Oh, man.

[36:16] Okay.

[36:17] Anyway.

[36:17] If we did it in the normal voice, Rolled Gold Pretzels would be too spooky.

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:21] People wouldn't pick them up.

[36:22] It's brought to you by Miller Lite.

[36:26] Well, but let's...

[36:27] Final judgments.

[36:28] I'll start.

[36:29] T2.

[36:30] Final judgment day.

[36:31] Yeah.

[36:31] I really didn't like this movie.

[36:34] I mean, I really...

[36:35] It wasn't boring.

[36:37] Like...

[36:37] Yes.

[36:37] At times it was.

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] But it was no...

[36:40] Give him credit.

[36:41] It was not to 10,000 BC.

[36:42] Exactly.

[36:43] On the brats to 10,000 BC scale.

[36:45] It was not either one.

[36:48] It's definitely not 10,000 BC.

Dan McCoy

[36:49] Yeah.

[36:50] But...

[36:50] If there was ever a movie that made me want to side with tax collectors, this was it.

[36:59] It just made Whimsy look so unappealing.

[37:02] And all the characters wanted to force everyone to be whimsical.

[37:06] It was like, you will be high-spirited and crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Well, that's the thing.

[37:09] There's the kid who is like...

[37:10] He says he's lonely because he doesn't have friends, but he seems perfectly fine building

[37:14] sculptures and kind of collecting hats and hanging out by himself.

[37:18] It's almost like, you need more friends.

[37:20] Why don't you make some friends?

[37:21] And maybe it's just because my life as a kid was hanging out by myself and then being

[37:26] told I should not do that.

[37:27] But I really, really sympathize with that kid and his hats.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] Wow.

[37:32] But yeah, everyone was...

[37:32] This has been window into Elliot's world house.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] Everyone was trying to force their lifestyle on other people.

[37:36] It was like the gay marriage protesters.

Dan McCoy

[37:38] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[37:39] I suddenly come out with this incredibly conservative political viewpoint.

[37:44] Yeah, it's just like these abortionists.

[37:47] I mean...

[37:47] They want to force their lifestyle on everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[37:49] We haven't really brought this up yet, but I think this is the first children's movie we've

[37:52] watched on this show.

[37:54] We watched Bratz.

[37:55] What do you think?

[37:55] I guess that's a tweeners movie.

[37:57] Yeah, I don't...

[37:57] I guess this is the first...

[37:58] I don't fucking know.

[37:59] I don't think that.

Dan McCoy

[37:59] This is the first young kids movie.

[38:01] Yeah, this is definitely aimed towards your six to elevens.

[38:05] Yeah.

[38:06] Yeah.

[38:06] So...

[38:06] Or people with the minds of children.

Stuart Wellington

[38:09] And the thing is like...

Dan McCoy

[38:11] Like Lenny from...

[38:13] Like I couldn't imagine a child...

[38:14] Tell me about the Emporium.

Stuart Wellington

[38:16] I couldn't imagine a child of that age would actually like enjoy this movie.

[38:19] No, they would hate it.

[38:20] I just got done watching WALL-E, the Pixar movie.

[38:23] Which is a great movie.

[38:24] Which is a really great movie.

[38:25] And I'm wondering why other people who make fucking children's movies don't just fucking

[38:29] call up Pixar and be like, hey guys, how do you make a movie right?

[38:34] Because I'm all fucking thumbs right now.

[38:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:37] I saw your movie and it was really good.

[38:39] Yeah.

[38:39] How did you do?

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] I was...

[38:41] Maybe I was just going to make a remake of that, but rights and everything.

[38:46] Elliot, any thoughts?

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] Yeah, it was also a terrible movie.

[38:49] I was pushing for us to watch this movie for a long time and it lived up to my every expectation.

[38:55] It was stupid and unlikable.

[38:57] And it was like a writer-director who thought that he had tapped into his inner childhood,

[39:04] but it was like a cynical, fake inner childhood.

[39:06] And things either moved way too slow or way too fast.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] It almost felt like this guy, the writer-director, was trying to pick up Natalie Portman.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] I assume that he was.

[39:16] This was an elaborate rift.

[39:18] It was like Hitchcock and Tibby Hedren.

Stuart Wellington

[39:20] Yeah, some kind of crazy charade.

[39:22] That's a movie we should write.

Dan McCoy

[39:25] Crazy charade?

[39:26] Crazy charade.

[39:27] It's like an 80s sex comedy, but the premise is someone's making Mr. McGoriam's Wonder of Poor India Girls.

Elliott Kalan

[39:34] Starring C. Thomas Howell as the writer-director of Mr. McGoriam.

[39:37] That's pretty meta.

Dan McCoy

[39:38] Yeah.

[39:39] Right?

[39:40] It's like being Mr. McGoriam.

[39:41] Who would the girl be?

Elliott Kalan

[39:43] Let's make it the girl from just one of the guys, because I like her.

Dan McCoy

[39:46] Okay.

[39:46] Or Got Nice Babes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] But yeah, this was a very bad movie, and it makes me feel bad about the things that kids watch these days.

Dan McCoy

[39:55] And about myself.

[39:57] And Hot Wheels.

[39:58] Shame on you, Hot Wheels.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] Hot Wheels.

[40:00] And K'Nex.

[40:01] How dare you put money into this?

[40:02] And Robo Sapien.

[40:04] Et tu, Robo?

Dan McCoy

[40:05] So I have a few letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] Letters.

[40:11] We get letters.

[40:11] No, no, don't do it.

[40:12] We get lots and lots of letters.

[40:14] Now you're going to get sued by Paul Schaefer.

Dan McCoy

[40:16] You're going to get sued.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] No, he doesn't know my name.

[40:19] Your name's plastered all over this thing.

[40:21] Dan McCoy's The Flophouse.

[40:22] Starring Dan McCoy.

[40:23] Wait, can I read it over you?

[40:24] Read your letter.

[40:25] I'm going to read it over your shirt.

Dan McCoy

[40:26] So this is in response to the question of who does Stuart look like with his mustache.

[40:32] Oh, man.

[40:33] Which he doesn't have anymore.

[40:34] Now he's back to his usual life.

[40:36] He's on his way there.

Stuart Wellington

[40:36] Can I point out that after shaving it off, I went through a period of a couple of days

[40:40] where I was really depressed.

[40:41] And I think it's directly related to cutting off the mustache.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] So if you have a mustache, do not cut it off.

[40:46] You had post-shave-em depression?

[40:48] Yeah, absolutely.

[40:49] But I think there's something the same.

[40:52] There's something that these two letters have in common.

[40:55] So I'm going to read them both, and let's see if you can put your finger on.

[40:58] Okay.

[40:59] Are they both from my mom?

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] No.

[41:00] Are they from the person who was searching for gay Stuart Wellington, Stuart Wellington gay?

Dan McCoy

[41:04] Yeah.

[41:05] I don't think so.

[41:06] But the first one is from Ashley, last name withheld.

[41:10] What ethnicity is that, do you think?

[41:12] I think that it's Latvian.

[41:14] Oh, okay.

[41:15] It says Dan and Co.

[41:17] So you guys just get to be and co.

[41:19] That's fair.

[41:19] It's like Oliver and Company.

[41:20] Clearly the first photo is Columbo doing his W impression while sporting one hell of a stache.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] The mustache is completely unnecessary for that.

Dan McCoy

[41:28] Or Josh Hartnett.

[41:32] But that's a pretty cruel thing to say.

[41:33] Who does he look like?

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] That is fucking cruel.

Dan McCoy

[41:35] The second photo is...

[41:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] Heartthrob Josh Hartnett.

Dan McCoy

[41:39] The second photo is Peter Falk and his college improv troupe days.

[41:44] That's pretty good.

[41:44] Keep up the great work.

[41:47] And the second one, Stuart disturbingly looks like Josh Brolin as W in W.

[41:52] Very true.

[41:54] With a mustache.

[41:55] This is a side note.

[41:56] The movie Elliot was thinking of, the one with Hugh Jackman and Ashley Judd, was Someone Like You.

[42:03] Someone Like You.

[42:04] Although he's probably looked it up by now.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] I didn't because I didn't care enough.

[42:08] But it's the one that was based on the book Animal Husbandry.

Dan McCoy

[42:09] Yeah, it was originally called Animal Husbandry.

[42:12] And they're like, that title sounds too unique.

[42:14] Let's change it to something completely generic.

Elliott Kalan

[42:17] Yeah.

[42:17] Well, thank you very much for reminding us about that.

[42:19] Someone Like You.

[42:20] Yes, I Love You.

[42:21] That's like a smile like yours.

Dan McCoy

[42:22] So did you get the similarity, though, between all of the things?

[42:27] Josh Brolin?

[42:28] W?

[42:30] Mustache?

[42:30] It's the fact that none of those people actually have mustaches.

[42:33] Yeah.

[42:34] That was a question about who does Stewart look like with his mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] I think he looks like Danny DeVito if Danny DeVito had a mustache.

Dan McCoy

[42:41] One of them was Columbo doing a W impression while sporting a stache.

[42:46] Another, Josh Brolin as W&W.

[42:49] One of Josh Brolin's few roles that does not involve a mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[42:52] Yeah, he was just in a movie where he had a big mustache.

Dan McCoy

[42:54] So if there's anyone else out there who would like to do a mustache.

[42:57] Would like to do this thing right.

[43:00] I just made fun of our audience.

[43:02] Someone Like, what was it called?

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] Someone Like You?

Dan McCoy

[43:04] Yeah, Someone Like You.

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] Terrible.

[43:07] That's like the name of a sitcom that NBC would put on after Caroline and the City in like the mid-90s.

[43:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] Was Leah Thompson supposed to be hot?

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] She was always cute.

[43:19] I mean, there's that great panty shot of Howard the Duck.

[43:22] That's Leah Thompson.

[43:23] Yeah, that's Leah Thompson.

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] Yeah, that used to be the number one panty shot I've ever seen.

[43:27] Really?

[43:27] Seriously?

[43:28] Yeah, it's great.

Dan McCoy

[43:29] She was on a nude beach with Victoria Jackson and Casual Sex starring Andrew Dice Clay.

Elliott Kalan

[43:36] Oh, so many people I'd love to see nude.

[43:39] Oh, great.

[43:41] Wait, Leah Thompson and Victoria Jackson and Andrew Dice Clay?

[43:44] You mean Casual Sex?

[43:46] It's a movie with a question mark at the end of the title.

[43:49] That's a movie that could only exist in its time period.

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:53] When casual sex started to become a dangerous thing.

[43:57] But it wasn't yet dangerous enough that you couldn't make a comedy about it.

Dan McCoy

[44:00] Did Blake Edwards direct that one?

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] It does kind of sound like late period Blake Edwards.

[44:06] Blind Date era Blake Edwards.

Dan McCoy

[44:09] So I just wanted to remind people before we get into our recommendations, the holiday season

[44:15] is the Flophouse listener drive season.

[44:18] Oh, yeah.

[44:19] I'd like to think of the Flophouse as the gift we...

[44:22] Don't whistle.

[44:23] I'm just giving you background music.

[44:24] I'd like to think of the Flophouse as the gift that we give you...

[44:28] For free.

[44:29] That's what makes it a gift.

[44:30] What's the gift that you listeners can give us?

[44:33] Promotion.

[44:34] You can go to the website.

[44:36] You can go to the website.

Elliott Kalan

[44:39] Each of your salesmen should try to get as many repeat customers as possible.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] I've put buttons on the website so you can dig it.

[44:49] Dig our show.

[44:50] We used to have like 15 digs.

[44:51] Then they changed the system over at dig.

[44:53] And now we're back down to two.

[44:55] So why don't you get those numbers up if you can.

[44:57] Dig us up.

[44:58] You can go to podcast alley and vote.

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] In this corpse of a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[45:01] iTunes reviews.

[45:03] If you review us positively on iTunes, that's actually a big help.

[45:05] Or subscribing on iTunes rather than listening online to bump our numbers up.

[45:11] I'm doing my part.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] I'm subscribed on iTunes.

[45:13] Are you?

Dan McCoy

[45:14] You can link to us.

[45:16] Or if you know anyone in the media.

[45:21] Not the real media because they wouldn't care about this.

[45:23] But the online media.

[45:26] The internet media?

[45:27] Yeah.

[45:27] You know, bloggers and such.

[45:29] Yeah.

[45:29] You can mention us to them or something.

[45:31] People like Matt Drudge?

[45:33] Perhaps someone out there is a podcast publicist who wants to give us their wares.

[45:39] Is there such a thing?

[45:40] I certainly hope not.

[45:43] Anyway.

[45:43] No, you just alienated them.

[45:45] I think you get our point.

[45:46] Good job.

Elliott Kalan

[45:48] But yes, please help other people listen to us because.

Dan McCoy

[45:51] Look, I feel awkward making a plea for an audience.

[45:54] That's why we're getting so stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] PBS does it all the time.

[45:59] And I would say, since I just watched a one-hour special they did on the New York Public Library

[46:03] system, can you believe they need to do pledge drives for viewers?

[46:07] I don't understand it.

[46:09] Well, you watched it, obviously.

[46:10] Well, my interests don't really match up with most people's.

[46:14] I was fascinated by it.

[46:15] Rarified, I've told them.

[46:16] Rarified.

[46:17] What I didn't realize is that used to be the site of the New York City Reservoir, where

[46:20] the library is now.

[46:21] It's just a huge open-air reservoir that people would pee in.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] I know at least one listener who'd be fascinated by that.

[46:28] Our friend who works at the main branch of the library.

[46:30] Oh, yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[46:31] Great story.

[46:32] Anyway, please listen.

[46:33] Now what do we do?

Dan McCoy

[46:34] Now we talk about movies that we saw recently that we actually liked.

[46:37] Awesome.

[46:37] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] So many.

[46:39] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:40] Do you have one, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[46:41] I watched a bunch of movies lately that I'd seen part of but hadn't watched all of until

[46:47] I was really bored.

[46:49] And so I watched a bunch of movies.

[46:50] So I watched, like, Flatliners.

[46:53] That's not a good movie.

[46:54] No.

[46:56] I watched Earth.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] There's a lot of the Brat Pack in it, though.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] That's true.

[46:59] In their dimly lit medical school.

[47:00] Guys, it was very creepy, by the way.

[47:04] Where were they going to school?

[47:06] In, like, Canada or something?

[47:07] They were going to Arkham, I think.

[47:09] Arkham University.

[47:09] Yep.

[47:10] Miskatonic University.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts.

[47:12] Sure, yeah.

[47:13] I would say Arkham Asylum, which is not a school.

[47:15] Yeah.

[47:16] It's an asylum.

Stuart Wellington

[47:16] And then I followed that up with Earth Girls Are Easy, which I had never seen and was great.

[47:24] Yeah.

[47:25] Any universe where Jeff Goldblum is a hunk is top, top dollar, in my opinion.

[47:32] And then I watched Executive Decision, which I kind of watched.

[47:35] I was doing stuff at the same time.

[47:36] But it was really good.

[47:38] And, yeah, it just, like, it was kind of cool because for a kind of crappy movie with Steven

[47:43] Seagal and Kurt Russell in it, it seemed like they genuinely made an effort to make, like,

[47:48] make it seem realistic, I guess, as those things go.

[47:52] So, it was pretty good.

[47:54] I liked it.

[47:55] So, Executive Decision and Earth Girls Are Easy.

[47:58] Okay.

[47:58] A double feature, probably, especially.

[48:00] Letter E, double feature.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] I saw a couple movies from last year that were not big hits.

[48:07] I mean, they were released sort of in the mid-range, but weren't super successful.

[48:12] I watched Red Belt, the David Mamet movie, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor.

[48:19] You just made that name up.

[48:20] That's not a name.

[48:21] That's a Scrabblehands.

[48:23] What?

Stuart Wellington

[48:25] Racist.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] But, you know, David Mamet movies sort of live or die on whether he casts someone who can ignore his directorial style of actors.

[48:37] And just be a good actor.

[48:39] And Chiwetel Ejiofor is a really great actor, and I really enjoyed that movie.

[48:43] And it's a movie, you know, so many movies you can tell exactly where they're headed from the very beginning.

[48:49] That was a movie that, moment to moment, I had no idea where it was going.

[48:52] And it doesn't necessarily, like, all hold together perfectly at the end, I feel like.

[48:56] But I really enjoyed it.

[48:58] And I also watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, starring Frances McDormand and Enchanted's Amy Adams.

[49:06] And Lee Pace from Pushing Daisies in the Fall, the film that you recommended.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] My favorite movie of the year so far, I think.

[49:15] Legends of the Fall?

[49:16] Yeah, Legends of the Fall.

[49:18] No.

Dan McCoy

[49:19] And I really enjoyed it.

[49:20] It's not, you know, it's not up to par with, like, an old screwball comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] It's not up to par with, you know, like, Jules and Jim.

[49:26] But just rank it against, like, there was a review of Changeling recently where it said,

[49:33] It's good, but it's no Chinatown.

[49:35] It was like, okay, it's not one of the best movies ever made.

Dan McCoy

[49:38] That's, well, right.

[49:40] It's trying to capture a certain style of old filmmaking.

[49:44] Like, not quite screwball filmmaking, but in that same vein.

[49:49] Very, like, frothy.

Stuart Wellington

[49:50] Yeah, and it's not up to that sort of par, but for a modern version of it.

Dan McCoy

[49:55] Like the movie screwballs?

[49:55] Exactly.

[49:56] Like the 86 comic screwballs.

[50:00] You know, it's got a cover where a woman's running away and a guy's pulling her bra back.

[50:05] It's exactly like screwballs.

[50:06] It's a bikini, actually.

[50:07] Okay.

[50:07] You have the poster.

Elliott Kalan

[50:10] You have the limited edition lithograph.

Dan McCoy

[50:13] If you want to see a film that's sort of like a P.G.

[50:18] Woodhouse, Jeeves and Wooster story, if Amy Adams was playing Marilyn Monroe as Wooster

[50:27] and Frances McDormand was playing Mary Poppin as Jeeves, if that sounds interesting to you,

[50:34] it's a fun movie.

[50:35] And I just realized by looking at the IMDb that it was written by Simon Beaufoy who just wrote Slumdog Millionaire,

[50:43] which was pretty good.

[50:44] I didn't love it as much as everyone else did, but I thought it was solid and fun.

Elliott Kalan

[50:49] I also felt that way about Slumdog Millionaire.

[50:52] We're in agreement.

Dan McCoy

[50:54] I haven't seen it yet.

[50:55] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:56] I saw – let's talk about old movies.

[50:59] Since you talk about a movie that was kind of in that style, I recently saw two old movies that I liked a lot.

[51:05] They might be a little hard to find possibly, but they played –

Dan McCoy

[51:09] Because you hit all the copies.

[51:11] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[51:11] Because you made the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] Well, these were two movies that I DVR'd off of Turner Classic Movies kind of on a whim,

[51:18] and I'm glad I did for both of them.

[51:20] Did I talk about Jewel Robbery?

[51:22] No.

[51:22] The last time?

[51:23] There was a – one is a movie –

Dan McCoy

[51:23] Isn't that a game that secretaries play at work on their computer?

[51:28] Jewel Robbery?

[51:28] No, I'm not familiar with that.

[51:29] I'm thinking Bejeweled.

[51:31] Sorry, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[51:31] I don't know that either.

[51:32] Okay.

[51:33] You work in an office.

[51:35] Jewel Robbery is a movie with –

Dan McCoy

[51:37] Yeah, and you shoot The Daily Show out in the middle of the field.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] It's an outdoor show with William Powell and I want to say Kay Francis is the woman, but I don't think it is.

[51:50] I can't remember the name of the woman.

[51:51] She is a kind of flighty European, vaguely middle European rich woman, and he is the most debonair jewel thief in the world.

[52:00] And this movie is an hour and 15 minutes long, and it's really fun.

[52:04] And the scene where he first meets her during a jewel robbery is so much fun.

[52:11] She's buying the super expensive diamond with her rich husband, and William Powell walks in.

[52:16] The owner of the store goes, can I help you, sir?

[52:18] And he goes, yes, you can, my good man.

[52:20] And his valet holds out a case, opens the case, and William Powell pulls a gun out of it and goes, I'm going to rob your store, gentlemen.

[52:28] And he's like, oh, take a seat, everyone.

[52:29] Take a seat.

[52:30] Let's start some conversation.

[52:31] This will be nice.

[52:32] And William Powell takes out a gramophone player and plays a record of the Blue Danube.

[52:37] And he's just the most debonair, stylish jewel thief in the world and very friendly.

[52:41] And it was a very kind of short, fun movie and very light.

[52:46] And the other one was a movie I just finished watching this morning called Hollow Triumph,

[52:50] which is a film noir that Hans Conrad from Casablanca, among other things, was the star and producer of.

[52:58] And it's one of the most kind of contrived plots in the world.

[53:02] He's a gangster on the run, and he ends up in a town where there's a man who looks exactly like him,

[53:08] but with a scar on his face, who's a psychiatrist.

[53:11] So he takes that man's life and has to scar himself.

[53:14] But the pictures he took of the guy, uh-oh, at the lab, they accidentally reversed them.

[53:18] So he puts the scar on the wrong side of his face.

[53:21] And it's like, at every plot point, it's kind of contrived in a way that's almost exciting and how unrealistic it is.

[53:29] But it's shot really beautifully for a kind of what I assume must have been a fairly low-budget film.

[53:35] There are these great scenes with smoke and darkness and things like that.

[53:38] And there are all these great side characters who are just, like, either really funny or really weird-looking.

[53:44] There's this one character who's a co-worker of his at a taxi company,

[53:47] and he's just in the middle of the night by himself practicing ballroom dancing.

[53:51] And Hans Conrad comes up to him and interrupts him,

[53:53] and he goes into this long thing about how he needs to find the right ballroom dancing partner,

[53:58] and I know what you're going to say my problem is.

[54:00] I'm too short.

[54:01] But if you have confidence, you can project the impression of height.

[54:04] Plus, they make tall shoes that I can wear.

[54:06] And it's really funny.

[54:07] And then this character is never heard from ever again.

[54:10] And it's like, there are all these great little scenes with strange characters and the whole thing.

[54:14] And, you know, it's a quick, kind of like fast-moving, crazy film noir movie called Hollow Triumph.

[54:19] Or you might find a copy of it under the name The Scar, which was the English release title.

[54:24] I recommend both of those.

[54:25] I'm trying to make them famous-er.

Dan McCoy

[54:27] So.

[54:28] Like Nathan's.

[54:29] Six recommendations tonight between the three of us.

[54:32] Is that a new record?

[54:33] I think Earth Girls Are Easy is the best one.

[54:37] Okay.

[54:37] Sure.

[54:38] It does have Julie Brown in it.

[54:41] It does.

[54:42] And Damon Wayans.

Elliott Kalan

[54:43] Not Downtown Julie Brown, though.

[54:44] No.

[54:45] No.

[54:45] The other Julie Brown.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] One with novelty songs.

[54:49] Mm-hmm.

[54:49] To her name.

[54:50] The one who was on the short-lived MTV sketch show, The Edge.

[54:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] And Jim Carrey's in it.

[54:54] Yep.

[54:55] Who was on MTV's other sketch show, In Living Color.

Dan McCoy

[54:57] Is that his name?

[54:58] Weebo?

[54:58] Was that his?

[54:59] You're thinking of Weebelos.

[55:01] I think.

[55:01] Weebeloil scouts.

Stuart Wellington

[55:02] I can't remember.

[55:03] No, wait.

[55:04] He's Whiplock.

[55:05] Whiplock.

Dan McCoy

[55:06] Whiplock.

[55:06] Because that's the best line in the film when at the end they're leaving and Geena Davis

[55:11] is like, oh, Whiplock, I think I'll miss you least of all.

[55:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:17] Geena Davis.

[55:18] Such delivery.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] Was that the movie that she and Jeff Goldblum met on?

[55:22] Or was it Transylvania 6-5000?

[55:25] Or The Fly?

Dan McCoy

[55:26] I think that both of those other movies came before Earth Girls Are Easy.

Elliott Kalan

[55:30] They were like Tracy and Hepburn.

[55:31] Falling in love making movies together.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] Until Rennie Harlan came between them.

[55:36] As he is for many people.

[55:38] So, guys, this has been a good holiday show.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] Yeah, we talked a lot about the holidays.

[55:45] It really was a lot of Christmas and Hanukkah cheer.

Stuart Wellington

[55:48] I want to talk about Rennie Harlan some more.

[55:50] We'll rent the Covenant and discuss.

[55:52] Yeah, that was great.

Dan McCoy

[55:54] Oh, that's right.

[55:54] I forgot about the Covenant.

Elliott Kalan

[55:55] Is that the movie where it's super powerful 20-year-olds, right?

[55:59] Yeah, they're warlocks.

[56:00] They use their magic powers to lift up girls' skirts.

[56:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:03] And they're all super rich, too.

[56:05] Yeah.

[56:05] So, like, it's basically snobs versus more snobs.

Elliott Kalan

[56:09] Snobs versus snobsers.

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] Yeah.

[56:11] So, are we done here?

[56:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:14] Yeah, Stuart, you can go home.

Stuart Wellington

[56:16] Cool.

[56:16] I'll allow you to leave.

[56:17] Okay, so...

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] You guys that are listening don't know, but Dan locks us up.

Stuart Wellington

[56:22] Dan, don't we have some business here?

Dan McCoy

[56:26] Oh, sure.

[56:26] If you want to email us, maybe about Stuart's mustache that doesn't exist anymore, or another topic.

[56:33] It's coming back.

[56:34] Maybe about the holidays.

[56:36] You can email us at theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[56:41] Or...

[56:41] If you want to send us a gift of some kind.

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] Or if you take issue with anything we've said, and you want to start an argument.

[56:46] Let's start this.

[56:47] Yeah, Natalie Portman.

Stuart Wellington

[56:48] Let's open up...

[56:48] Yeah, Natalie Portman, if you're out there and you think...

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] Natalie Portman-to.

[56:52] Or anyone...

[56:52] If anyone disagrees with Stuart and thinks that Natalie Portman is super attractive, write in,

[56:57] and we can have an argument over who's attractive in film today and lose all of our female listeners.

[57:02] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[57:02] That's what they all like to hear, is a relative hotness discussion.

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] Let's sink this thing into the gutter.

Dan McCoy

[57:10] And if you want to go to the website, it's theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com.

[57:16] Maybe someday we'll get an actual domain name.

[57:19] Don't look at me.

[57:19] I don't know how computers work.

[57:21] For the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[57:25] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[57:27] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[57:28] Good night.

[57:29] Yeah, good night.

[57:30] So, wait, the long kiss goodnight was Rennie Harlan.

[57:33] Which Nightmare on Elm Street?

[57:35] Was it Nightmare on Elm Street 3?

Elliott Kalan

[57:36] Oh, for him, he'll just be Cutthroat Island, Rennie Harlan.

[57:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:45] Fair enough.

[57:46] Fair enough.

[57:47] Fair enough for fun.

[57:50] Vampires.

[57:50] Verotic.

[57:53] Nosferotic.

Elliott Kalan

[57:55] Nosferotica.

[57:56] Yeah, this is my collection of Nosferotica.

[57:58] A lot of people say Vampirotica.

[58:01] I don't.

Dan McCoy

[58:02] So, ladies.

[58:03] That was my burn on you guys.

[58:05] Start again.

[58:06] Later.

[58:07] Oh?

[58:08] Fucking.

[58:10] That was a record scratch.

Elliott Kalan

[58:13] That was the dog doing a double take.

[58:16] Aye, aye, aye.

[58:17] That was someone who didn't think that they heard what they heard.

[58:20] Shake it their head.

[58:20] Later in the podcast, I was really like, turn it, turn it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:24] It's me cleaning the wax out of my ears, because I thought you said something retarded.

The Flop House: Episode #28 - Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

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