The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:11] Dearest Flophouse listeners, I, like many of my generation, grew up associating Christmas

[0:16] with one thing – television specials. Even now I remember that swirling CBS special presentation

[0:23] logo alerting me that I would soon be sucked into a magical world of modestly budgeted

[0:28] animation and questionable theology. Other than the incomparable Charlie Brown Christmas,

[0:34] the finest examples of these programs came from the Rankin-Bass studios, where tiny models

[0:39] were brought to life and given the voices of old Stan Freeberg actors. Recently I revisited

[0:45] these programs to see if they carried the same magic I felt as a child, but sadly I

[0:50] found them wanting. Take Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Now this is the one where Santa,

[0:56] played by man-child Mickey Rooney, is given a comic book-style origin story, because

[1:01] a jolly man who gives away toys is only interesting to kids if he's got a backstory. For instance,

[1:07] we are taught that he learned his distinctive laugh from listening to Seals, since no one

[1:12] has ever laughed before without a specific inciting incident. I, for instance, learned

[1:16] to laugh from Neil Simon. Thank you, Neil Simon, for making me laugh about falling in

[1:21] love again. Anyway, it turns out that the reason Santa sneaks into houses and leaves

[1:27] toys in stockings is that, at some point in the past, the vaguely Germanic Burgermeister

[1:32] Meisterburger outlaws all toys, and the only way Kris Kringle can save the children from

[1:37] a life without fun is by secretly delivering the toys late at night. So far, so good. In

[1:43] fact, Rankin-Bass should be commended for sneaking a little Thoreau-style civil disobedience

[1:48] into children's programming. Here's the problem, though. Eventually, the Burgermeister Meisterburger

[1:53] dies, and his reign of terror ends. Yet, Santa still sneaks into houses through the chimney.

[1:59] Clearly, Saint Nick has some sort of thing for breaking and entering. But worse yet is

[2:05] the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special. Now, I love Rudolph and his annoying, feedback-producing

[2:11] nose as much as anyone. I love portly prospector Yukon Cornelius, and I love the gay dental

[2:17] elf Hermie. What bothers me are the so-called misfit toys. Let's examine the supposed flaws

[2:24] of these misfits. One of the most famous is Charlie in the Box. In his own words,

[2:30] My name is all wrong. No child wants to play with a Charlie in the Box.

[2:34] First, Charlie, I'm pretty sure any kid amused by Head on a Spring won't care if you're misnamed,

[2:40] but leaving that aside for now, if you really want to be named Jack, then go down to Toys

[2:44] City Hall and have your name legally changed. Or, just tell people your name is Jack. They

[2:51] won't know. If a talking head in a box introduces himself to me as Jack, I'm not asking any

[2:56] questions. Or what about the water pistol that shoots jelly? That's not a misfit toy.

[3:02] That's a toy that's been improperly used. Here's an idea. Empty out the jelly, put in

[3:07] some water, and you've fixed it. Sure, the water might taste like fruit for a while,

[3:13] but that'll fade. Or the supposed misfit that's a bird that doesn't fly, it swims.

[3:18] Yeah, so what? That's what penguins do, and I don't hear them complaining. Basically,

[3:23] these toys are a bunch of whiners. Maybe if they got off their collective ass and did

[3:27] something to change their situation, instead of sequestering themselves on an island and

[3:31] self-identifying as misfits, they could do something with their lives. Instead, they

[3:35] sit around singing their sad sack songs about how they've been given these easily surmountable

[3:40] obstacles. And the worst, the worst one is the ragdoll. There is absolutely nothing wrong

[3:47] with the ragdoll. Why is she there? She just likes hanging out with the misfits because

[3:51] she thinks it makes her cool. She's a misfit rag-hag. And the thing that really sickens

[3:56] me about all this is that the complainers steal attention from the few actual misfit

[4:01] toys, like this spotted elephant, who suffers in near silence. God, how they sicken me.

[4:10] Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

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