The Flop House: Episode #39 - Bride Wars

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this special Flag Day episode, we honor those fallen in the Bride Wars.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

S2

[0:36] And I'm Amanda Melson.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] Yeah, that's not a castrated Elliot.

[0:41] Yeah, that's not Elliot. That's Amanda.

S2

[0:43] Please. How much higher is my voice than Elliot's?

Dan McCoy

[0:47] I think it's probably on par. Slightly less nasal.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Yeah. You have a warm quality of your voice.

[0:56] That's true. And I think what you're leading into is that we have a guest host this week, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:01] Amanda, tell us a little bit about yourself. Why are you here?

S2

[1:06] Well, I have done stand-up comedy, and I used to do a comedy show with Dan called Sarah Schaefer is Obsessed with You.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] I like how you were going to call it the Sarah Schaefer Show.

S2

[1:20] Yeah, I mean, I was going to, but the most important reason why I'm here is that I live two blocks away.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] Let's not pull back the curtain.

[1:28] You also showed up in a limousine in front of our personal screening room.

[1:33] You've written for some TV comedy shows.

S2

[1:34] Oh, right, yeah, yeah. I've written for Greg Giraldo on Comedy Central and Best Week Ever.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] This is a podcast, so we have to steal the TV glamour.

[1:44] Okay.

[1:45] If we can get some.

[1:46] Sure.

[1:47] Wait, there's TV glamour?

[1:49] Like a TV show based on glamour magazine?

[1:51] No, I just mean that there's no, like, red carpet for podcasts.

[1:56] It's true.

[1:56] Yeah, they're probably, I don't know.

[1:58] I mean, unless you're going to, like, the potties or whatever they're called.

[2:01] Wait, is that the name?

[2:02] I don't know.

[2:03] Streamies?

[2:05] Yeah, right.

[2:06] You're totally right.

[2:07] The Streamies.

S2

[2:07] Ew.

[2:07] Don't go to the Streamies.

[2:09] No.

[2:09] That is, uh, don't wear good shoes to that.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Well, don't go to the Streamies in Vegas.

[2:15] Like, just check where they're being held.

[2:17] Yeah.

[2:17] Okay.

[2:18] Because it's a different thing out there.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] Sure.

[2:21] So, uh, man, so, uh, we watched a movie tonight, didn't we?

[2:25] Mm-hmm.

[2:26] We did.

[2:26] It's called Pride Wars.

[2:27] It was.

[2:28] Well, this was Dan's choice, because Dan is a big Anne Hathaway freak.

[2:33] Simply not true, but, um.

[2:35] No, I think it's true.

[2:36] You loved Rachel Getting Married.

[2:38] It was your favorite movie of last year.

[2:40] And you were like, hey guys, let's watch Pride Wars, Anne Hathaway's my favorite.

[2:45] It's about another wedding.

[2:46] I own, uh, I own Havoc, and I own, um, that gay cowboy movie, just so I can see her naked.

[2:55] Princess Diaries.

[2:56] Yeah, and she's naked in that too, right?

[2:58] Yeah.

[2:59] So, you watch those movies all the time.

[3:01] With Julie Andrews.

[3:02] Yeah, so.

[3:05] I have to leave now.

[3:06] So, and you were like, I really need to see Pride Wars.

[3:09] And I was like, hey, Fool's Gold is my favorite movie.

[3:13] Right.

[3:13] Overboard?

[3:14] Was she in Overboard?

[3:15] Kate Hudson?

[3:16] It was her mom.

[3:16] Okay.

[3:17] They look alike, I think.

[3:19] Yeah.

[3:19] Um, so, I was like, I'm up for this.

[3:21] Pride Wars sounds great.

[3:23] And so that's why we started watching it.

S2

[3:25] I just like bride violence.

[3:27] I'm just a big fan of the genre.

[3:30] I enjoyed, uh, that part of Kill Bill, wasn't there?

[3:33] When Uma Thurman is just dressed up and just gets it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:37] And you're-

[3:37] She's also pregnant, and that's, that falls under my fetish of pregnant women being shot.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] You're also always buying, you know, pay-per-view bride versus bride.

[3:46] Right, right.

[3:47] And, uh, rumbles.

Stuart Wellington

[3:48] Which, in a way, what we watched tonight was pay-per-view bride versus bride.

[3:52] True.

Dan McCoy

[3:53] And we also did this movie while Elliot wasn't here because it really makes him sad to see

[3:57] his best friend in the whole world, Anne Hathaway.

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:00] In the movies, and to know that, you know, he's not going to see her anymore because of

[4:04] she's, you know, in that Hollywood lifestyle.

[4:07] So their, their, their decades-long friendship can't-

Stuart Wellington

[4:09] I think it's also because, uh, he knows that as soon as we put a movie on, I can't stop

[4:15] myself from making dirty comments about every actress that comes on the screen.

[4:19] Yeah, how do you feel about that, Amanda?

S2

[4:21] I didn't, so, I didn't notice any dirty comments about the, I mean, maybe I couldn't hear it

[4:27] over my own dirty comments about the actresses, but.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] Uh, yeah, so there was, he, he can't handle it.

[4:32] Like, it drives him up the wall every time we watch Princess Diaries and whatnot.

[4:36] Every time?

Dan McCoy

[4:37] Every time.

[4:38] Well, we get together.

[4:39] We do a slumber party, uh, every month.

[4:41] Yep.

[4:42] We watch the Princess Diaries.

[4:44] We do each other's beards.

[4:45] And, uh, wait, we do the beard?

Stuart Wellington

[4:49] Is that like a dance?

[4:51] Yeah.

[4:53] Is that from hairspray or something?

S2

[4:54] I've done that dance.

[4:56] Nice.

Stuart Wellington

[4:58] Um, so, Broad Wars, what's, uh, Dean, why don't you, why don't you explain this movie to us?

Dan McCoy

[5:02] Sure, okay.

[5:04] There are these two young girls, and as young girls are wont to do, they dream only of their

[5:11] wedding.

[5:11] Amanda, this is what happens, right?

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Uh-huh.

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:13] You're gonna be our springbroid.

[5:15] Spring, springbroid.

[5:16] Springbroid?

[5:17] Wait a minute.

[5:18] Our spring break.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] You're gonna be our springboard for all bride-related questions since.

[5:24] Uh-huh.

[5:24] Yeah.

S2

[5:25] I did get married less than a year ago.

[5:28] Yeah, see?

[5:28] So, I should be an expert on what horrible, jealous bitches apparently all women are when

[5:37] they become brides, according to Bride Wars.

Stuart Wellington

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:41] So, in this movie, these girls are obsessed with getting married.

Dan McCoy

[5:44] Yeah, well, it's the culmination of a woman's life.

S2

[5:47] At one point, Candace Bergen actually says that until you get married, you're dead.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] Yeah.

[5:53] You're like a...

[5:54] She does!

[5:54] Is that?

[5:55] Yeah.

S2

[5:55] She says you're dead, and then you get married and you come alive.

[5:58] Wow.

[5:59] So, women...

Dan McCoy

[5:59] Like...

[6:00] The secret of eternal life.

[6:02] Yep.

[6:02] Apparently.

S2

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:03] Or just brides are a lot like the undead.

Dan McCoy

[6:06] Kind of.

[6:07] Well, both of them die if you shoot them in the head.

[6:09] It's true.

[6:10] So, that's one similarity.

[6:12] Wasn't, uh...

[6:13] Wasn't Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her?

[6:15] Oh, right.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] She was!

[6:17] Almost immediately...

[6:17] That's kind of like a Bride War.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] Almost immediately abandoned this synopsis.

[6:21] So, anyway...

[6:21] Oh, sorry.

[6:22] Sorry.

[6:22] They grow up the best of friends.

[6:25] Kate Hudson does things like buy expensive designer dresses for her friend.

[6:30] Sure.

[6:31] Secretly trying to pass it off as, like, one of her cast-offs because she's so nice and

[6:35] they're such good friends.

[6:36] And Kate Hudson is a lawyer, a high-powered lawyer, and Anne Hathaway is a...

[6:43] Slutty.

[6:43] Cleavage-bearing...

[6:44] Slutty.

[6:45] Teacher.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:46] School teacher.

[6:47] And so, all is well in...

[6:50] It's a fantasy of mine.

[6:51] Bride World.

[6:52] They both get engaged at around the same time.

[6:55] Yeah.

[6:56] And then they go to...

[6:58] They go in tandem to a bridal...

[7:02] What are they called?

[7:03] You left out an important detail, Dan.

S2

[7:05] Which is that when they're dreaming about their weddings, when they're little girls,

[7:09] they dream exclusively about getting married in June at the plaza.

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] Oh, yeah.

[7:15] What's the plaza?

S2

[7:17] The plaza hotel.

Stuart Wellington

[7:18] Okay.

[7:19] And that's a hotel in Chicago?

Dan McCoy

[7:22] Nope.

[7:23] I think it's in New York.

[7:24] It's in Central Park.

Stuart Wellington

[7:26] And that's a pretty nice, well-known hotel, right?

[7:28] Yeah.

[7:29] Okay.

[7:29] Yeah, no, it's true.

[7:30] That would have made the whole movie make more sense, by the way, if I'd have known that

Dan McCoy

[7:33] before.

[7:34] You're like, where's the Sears Tower?

[7:35] The whole time.

[7:37] But, yeah.

[7:38] No, there's only one month when it's appropriate for a young lady to get married.

[7:42] And only at the plaza.

[7:44] So, the two of them go to Candace Bergen, the wedding planner.

[7:49] Not Jennifer Lopez, the wedding planner.

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] So, yeah, they go to this wedding planner together, which is, you know, we should have smelled

[7:56] like that that was going to cause a problem.

[7:57] That's disaster in the making.

[7:59] Mm-hmm.

[8:00] Because what happens, Dan?

[8:01] Well, they...

[8:02] What happens here?

Dan McCoy

[8:04] They're leaving.

[8:05] They both get a date in June, three months from now, miraculously, despite all this talk

[8:11] about how hard it is to get a date at the Plaza Hotel.

[8:15] And then as they're leaving, they tell SNL's Casey Wilson that...

S2

[8:20] Who wrote the movie, by the way.

[8:22] Who co-wrote the movie.

Dan McCoy

[8:23] That, you know, she better snap up the one remaining date in June.

[8:28] And then they leave.

[8:29] And then later on, Candace Bergen calls back and says, oh, lo and behold, the secretary

[8:34] screwed up and booked both of their weddings on one day and gave the only other date to

[8:41] Casey Wilson.

[8:42] Wow.

[8:43] Yeah, problems.

[8:44] That's trouble.

[8:45] That's what we call the inciting incident.

[8:46] How much time do they have before their wedding?

[8:48] Three months.

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:49] Is that enough time?

S2

[8:50] No.

[8:50] Not enough time.

[8:51] It's not.

Stuart Wellington

[8:52] They have to do some stuff, like set out invitations.

S2

[8:55] Yeah, and like vendors are all booked up.

Stuart Wellington

[8:57] Bachelor parties to schedule.

S2

[8:58] You know, you can't just go into a bride war like that without a sound plan.

[9:05] It's going to turn into like Iraq.

[9:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:08] We usually don't get political so quick.

[9:12] Oh, sorry.

[9:12] It's a tough house.

[9:13] Sorry.

[9:14] That was true.

[9:14] You got to know how to win the piece.

[9:16] Yeah.

S2

[9:16] You have to have an exit strategy.

Stuart Wellington

[9:18] Yeah, exit strategy.

[9:20] Which I think involved a wedding of some kind.

[9:23] I guess that was.

Dan McCoy

[9:24] So at this point, if you have seen a movie before in your life.

[9:27] Why don't they just have a joint wedding?

[9:28] Well.

S2

[9:29] Why don't they stagger the times?

Dan McCoy

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:33] That's a good question.

[9:33] They can stagger the times on the same day.

[9:36] That's something that.

[9:37] That's not that hard.

[9:37] That's not addressed by the film Pride Wars.

[9:39] Weddings don't take that long.

Stuart Wellington

[9:40] No.

[9:41] The ceremony.

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:42] I mean, it didn't look like it was a Catholic wedding.

Dan McCoy

[9:44] Well, Kate Hudson is a bit of a, you know, she likes all the focus on herself.

[9:49] She's bossy.

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] Like a bridezilla.

[9:52] Uh-huh.

[9:53] Yeah.

S2

[9:53] Both of her parents are dead, by the way.

[9:55] But we're not supposed to feel sorry for her at any point.

Stuart Wellington

[9:58] Probably why she's so bossy is because she grew up an orphan.

[10:01] Yeah.

[10:02] Just like that little orphan Annie.

Dan McCoy

[10:04] I know.

[10:04] Yeah.

S2

[10:05] Her wedding must have been a nightmare.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] Uh-huh.

[10:07] To Sandy.

[10:11] Anyway.

[10:12] Um.

[10:14] I'm sorry.

[10:15] I'm distracted by the little orphan Annie slash dog wedding that I just imagined.

S2

[10:21] It's so great watching Daddy Warbucks walk her down the aisle.

[10:24] Yep.

[10:24] Towards Sandy.

Dan McCoy

[10:25] And then cry.

[10:28] That she's come to such a pass.

S2

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:31] That's what happens when you pick up girls off the street and raise them.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] They've got serious problems.

[10:37] But, um, the point is that Anne Hathaway is like, no, I'm, you know, for once, I want

[10:41] something for myself.

[10:43] So they don't want to schedule at the same time.

[10:45] And then due to a series of misunderstandings, they both agree to put it off until they can

[10:49] work it out.

[10:50] But they think that they've both broken the Bride of War truce.

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:54] And so, uh, things escalate and they sabotage each other until, uh, that must have been

[10:59] fun.

[11:00] No.

[11:01] It was just dispiriting and depressing and unpleasant.

[11:06] What do they do?

[11:06] Like, like shoot each other and stuff?

[11:08] Like, what's, what's going on?

[11:10] How do they sabotage each other?

[11:11] Yeah.

[11:11] You know, Anne Hathaway fattens Kate Hudson up so she can't fit in her dress.

[11:17] Yeah.

[11:17] That was pretty gross.

S2

[11:18] Because apparently Kate Hudson, um, who's very thin, can't stop herself from eating anything

[11:23] that is placed in front of her.

[11:25] So the big plan to fatten up Kate Hudson is to make sure that food is placed near her.

[11:31] That food is available.

Stuart Wellington

[11:33] Yes.

[11:33] With, I think the, uh, the, probably the, the best joke in the entire movie being that

[11:38] she receives a package from what, butters of, international butter.

S2

[11:44] International Butter Club, which is actually what they were originally going to call Last

[11:48] Tango in Paris.

Dan McCoy

[11:51] International Butter.

[11:52] Okay, since Ellie isn't, since Ellie doesn't hear, I have to do it.

[11:55] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[11:57] R-O-C-K in the USA.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] So, uh, yeah, so that's, that was a good joke because she apparently ate a bunch of butter

[12:05] from, that she thought was from around the world.

S2

[12:09] If you place butter near Kate Hudson, she will eat it.

Stuart Wellington

[12:13] Kate Hudson, she loves butter.

[12:15] Do you think she smeared it on a cracker or just like eight slices?

S2

[12:19] On cookies, probably.

Dan McCoy

[12:20] Oh, yeah.

[12:21] When you get good international butter, Stuart, you don't want to dilute that by putting it

[12:24] on a cracker.

S2

[12:25] Mmm.

[12:26] I want to go to the International House of Butter.

Dan McCoy

[12:29] You get like, yeah, you just go in there, it's like a tapas place.

[12:32] I hob.

[12:32] You get like sample platters of little pieces of butter.

[12:35] Sounds pretty good, actually.

[12:37] Um, but the point is, just to finish up the synopsis, you know, obviously they both get married on

[12:42] the same day and after a big brawl, they come back and they realize that they're friends

[12:48] again.

[12:49] They can't keep this up anymore.

[12:51] Mm-hmm.

[12:52] And Kate Hudson gets married.

[12:55] Anne Hathaway breaks it off with her fiancee.

[12:58] But all is well because later on, Anne Hathaway gets involved with Kate Hudson's brother.

[13:04] That's pretty much it.

[13:05] So, I mean, now that we've synopsized, we can focus more in depth.

Stuart Wellington

[13:09] Yeah, and then there's that terrible twist ending.

[13:12] I don't know what you're talking about.

[13:13] You know, where you think the nightmare is over and then you find out that they're both

[13:16] pregnant.

[13:17] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] I don't know if that qualifies as a twist ending, Stuart.

[13:21] I don't know if I would.

Stuart Wellington

[13:21] No, but like.

[13:22] They have the same due date.

[13:24] Yeah, you think that it's all over.

[13:25] You think like, oh, man, they're going to be friends forever.

[13:27] And then you're like, oh, my God, they are both pregnant and going to have babies.

[13:31] They're going to become, they're going to have a war over that.

[13:33] Yeah.

[13:33] Mom wars or something.

S2

[13:35] They're going to try and terminate each other's pregnancies.

[13:39] Possibly violently.

[13:40] Yeah.

[13:40] And then afterwards, they'll be like, we shouldn't have done that.

[13:43] No.

[13:44] We're friends.

[13:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] Mom was never to abort each other's pieces again.

[13:46] Filling their water bottles with vodka and various other things.

[13:50] Uh-huh.

S2

[13:52] Are you 80 what?

Dan McCoy

[13:54] Sending them on a tour of a coat hanger factory.

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:58] Nice.

[13:59] That's a good joke, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] Thank you.

[14:02] So, yeah.

[14:03] I'm kind of waiting for this movie, expecting there to be a little more silliness and a little

[14:08] more like kind of wacky humor.

[14:10] Yeah.

[14:11] It's almost a drama.

[14:13] It is almost a drama.

[14:14] It's just a bad drama.

S2

[14:15] You want it to be more like wedding crashers, except...

Dan McCoy

[14:18] With, yeah, except more nudity, obviously.

[14:22] Or like any film where there's a fight over like, you know, one thing.

[14:27] I mean, I compared it to like War of the Roses, but there's got to be a better version of that.

[14:31] But it just has to go bigger if it's going to work.

Stuart Wellington

[14:34] There was no sabotaging that went on that made you feel like, oh my God, this person has

[14:41] literally gone too far.

[14:42] Like, it's impossible for them to ever be friends again.

[14:45] Like, they didn't like kill somebody, one of their cats, or like set somebody's hair on

[14:50] fire.

Dan McCoy

[14:51] Yeah.

[14:51] I'm not a cat owner.

[14:53] I'm sort of afraid.

[14:54] I'm scared that that's where your brain went to.

[14:56] So you're saying that when we...

[14:57] And I was looking at your cat when I said it.

[14:59] ...have our wedding at the same day, at the same time, are you going to kill my cat?

[15:03] You're already married, Dan.

[15:04] Well, you were...

[15:05] Before the podcast, you were making plans for my eventual divorce, and then you moved

[15:11] together as roommates.

[15:11] Yeah, have like an odd couple-y type situation, sure.

[15:14] I don't think that's going to happen, but if it did...

Stuart Wellington

[15:16] Well, I would imagine Lulu would go with Sarah, not you.

Dan McCoy

[15:19] Who gets the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[15:21] Yeah.

[15:22] Sarah would probably get the podcast.

[15:24] Yeah.

[15:24] So it would be...

Dan McCoy

[15:25] That's her alimony payment.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:28] All the money we make off this podcast is going straight to her.

S2

[15:31] Or just your alimony is that once a month, you give her a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[15:36] Here you go.

[15:38] I watched Righteous Kill.

[15:40] Yeah, I'm glad we didn't watch that.

[15:42] But maybe in the future.

[15:44] Maybe in the future.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] Question mark.

[15:45] So the one moment I did like in the movie was Anne Hathaway's character is really boring,

[15:51] and she's nice all the time.

[15:53] I mean, she shows a lot of cleavage, but whatever.

[15:57] She's a people pleaser.

[15:58] Yeah, absolutely.

[15:59] I think they describe her as a people pleaser.

[16:01] But yeah, she goes...

[16:03] She sneaks into Kate Hudson's bachelorette party, which is held at an all-male review.

[16:11] And they get Kate Hudson's character up on stage, and they're trying to get her to dance.

[16:17] And then Anne Hathaway reveals that she's actually there, and she challenges Kate Hudson to a dance-off.

[16:24] Dance-off, dance-off.

[16:25] Yeah, basically.

[16:26] If anything, Anne Hathaway at least looks like she's having fun while she's dancing and doing silly dances in a tiny pair of shorts.

[16:34] Right.

[16:34] So I enjoyed that part of the movie, Dan.

[16:37] You say that very challengingly.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] Yeah, I'm waiting for you to say that that was your least favorite part of the movie.

[16:42] No.

[16:42] That probably, again, was also my favorite part of the movie, because as you point out, at least Anne Hathaway is committing to dancing really silly.

S2

[16:50] That's true.

[16:50] But also, nice gams, Anne Hathaway.

[16:53] She's really a leggy bride warrior.

[16:57] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] Like an Amazon.

[17:00] There was another part where Anne Hathaway said, F that, or something.

[17:03] No, Mother F.

[17:04] Oh, Mother F.

[17:05] That was funny.

[17:06] Mother F!

[17:06] That was almost a Jew.

[17:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:09] And Kate Hudson kind of looks like an alien for a lot of the movie.

[17:13] Uh-huh.

[17:13] I think part of it's her haircut, though.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] Her haircut looks really weird.

[17:16] Maybe that was a deleted subplot.

[17:19] That she was an alien come to Earth to ruin people's weddings.

[17:22] Like, that was...

[17:23] She was going to stop the procreation of human race.

[17:25] That would be a better movie.

Stuart Wellington

[17:26] It wasn't that her parents were dead.

[17:27] It's that her parents were dead because they were on a planet that was extinguished because

[17:31] its star exploded.

[17:33] Exactly.

[17:33] And they shot at Earth on a little rocket.

[17:36] And Kate Hudson gets her power from the Earth's yellow sun.

[17:38] Yeah, and they wrapped her in a blanket that would later become her haircut.

[17:46] So, yeah.

[17:46] She was great.

[17:47] She looked wonderful.

[17:48] And she got super fat in this movie, right?

[17:51] I would not say that.

[17:53] You kept saying that.

[17:54] She couldn't fend to her dress.

[17:55] She was enormous.

[17:57] Uh-huh.

[17:58] She literally gained five pounds.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] Yeah, like a blimp.

[18:01] You don't come back from something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[18:03] Yeah, I mean, it was like Jared Leto in that movie where he gets really fat that I didn't

[18:09] see.

[18:09] Chapter 27 or something like that?

[18:12] Where he plays...

[18:12] Probably.

[18:13] ...the guy who killed John Lennon, Mark David Chapman.

[18:15] I mean, I didn't see it.

[18:17] I just heard the guy got really fat.

[18:18] And that's kind of what Kate Hudson did here.

S2

[18:20] She did.

[18:20] But, you know, it could all be solved by at least, you know, just a week of having cookies

[18:26] placed slightly away from her.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] Sure.

[18:29] Just out of reach.

S2

[18:30] She could keep all international butters just a little bit away from her.

Dan McCoy

[18:35] Just put them in the fridge, maybe.

[18:37] Instead of on her desk.

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] Let's talk about these ladies' fiancés, initially.

[18:43] Oh, dream boats.

[18:44] Yeah.

[18:45] Well, they're hunks.

[18:46] I mean, the heartthrobs.

[18:49] One of the guys was who seemed homosexual the whole movie.

[18:53] Dan.

[18:54] Yeah, I gotta say...

[18:55] Wait, did you say Dan seemed homosexual the whole movie?

[18:57] Oh, what were we talking about?

[18:58] I'm sorry.

[19:01] So, the one guy, you know, the guy that was from that Reba show that I was talking about?

[19:05] The one where Reba...

[19:07] That Reba show?

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:07] You mean Reba?

[19:08] Yeah, the one where she plays a single mom and works really hard.

[19:12] Starring Reba McIntyre?

[19:13] Yeah.

S2

[19:15] I thought it was called, like, Tell It to Reba.

[19:17] No, it was just Reba?

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] That might have been a tagline.

[19:19] Or Reba's house.

[19:21] Whose house?

[19:22] It's Reba's.

[19:23] Okay.

[19:25] So, that guy, one of the guys was on that show.

Dan McCoy

[19:28] Right, and the other guy was Chris Pratt, who's now on Parks and Recreation as, what's

[19:33] her face, Rashida Jones' boyfriend.

[19:36] Oh.

[19:37] Right, right, right, right, right.

S2

[19:38] So, he's a professional oaf actor.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] Mm-hmm.

[19:40] That's the part he plays.

[19:41] Yeah, like, kill the doof.

Stuart Wellington

[19:42] Yeah, doofy.

[19:43] Doofy.

[19:44] He was also on the OC playing a doofy.

[19:46] Really?

[19:47] Yeah.

[19:47] Yeah, he looks like he could be on the OC.

Dan McCoy

[19:49] So...

[19:50] Not now.

[19:50] Now he's sort of puffy like Kate Hudson in this movie.

S2

[19:53] He's fat like Kate Hudson in this movie?

Dan McCoy

[19:55] Uh-huh.

[19:56] Such a chunk.

[19:57] You know what?

[19:58] We've been busy, by the way, objectifying the females in this movie.

[20:03] Amanda, the males in this film.

[20:05] The fiancés.

[20:06] What do you think?

[20:07] Would you have cast these as either of your fiancés in the movie you would make about your

[20:12] own bride wars?

[20:13] Wait a minute.

[20:15] Well, there's a...

[20:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[20:17] Wait a second.

[20:17] What kind of fantasy universe are we in?

[20:19] I didn't have a bride war.

[20:22] Elaborate scenario.

S2

[20:23] At one point, my wedding did occupy the Gaza Strip, but...

[20:27] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[20:29] Not really a war.

[20:30] That's just a conflict.

[20:31] Yeah.

[20:31] But you're right.

[20:32] You're right.

[20:32] It was a police action.

S2

[20:35] So, Kate Hudson, in fact, Kate Hudson's fiancée, was gay.

[20:40] Let's face it.

[20:41] Probably.

Dan McCoy

[20:42] Pretty gay.

[20:42] She was his beard.

[20:44] That's the tragic sequel to this movie, is when she discovers that her hard-won wedding

[20:50] was a lie.

[20:51] How did she get pregnant, do you think?

Stuart Wellington

[20:53] Her personal assistant, I bet.

S2

[20:56] Probably.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] Or maybe she did it with so-and-so's fiancée.

S2

[21:01] I think she did it with John Daly.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] Yeah.

[21:04] We have to mention that there are several people from the New York comedy world in small roles

[21:11] in this movie, including one of them, John Daly, an improv actor, in a completely straight,

[21:19] joke-free role.

[21:20] Yes.

[21:21] One wonders why he was cast.

S2

[21:23] You know, because it's like throwing him a bone.

[21:25] Because the women who wrote this movie, June Raphael something.

[21:31] Carter.

[21:32] What was her name?

[21:32] And Casey Wilson.

[21:34] They do shows in New York.

[21:37] And June's, I think, fiancé is Paul Scheer, who's a comedian.

Dan McCoy

[21:41] I want to say I hear good things about them.

[21:45] I haven't seen the show.

[21:46] Yes.

[21:46] I saw their show.

[21:47] They're very funny.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:48] I don't want to start a comedy war.

[21:51] No.

[21:52] God, no.

[21:52] As a result of this podcast.

[21:53] I would like to assume that this was a mishandled project.

[21:57] I would assume.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Yeah.

[21:58] A little judgmental, right, Dan?

[21:59] I mean, you said they're funny, so they're probably a lot like the script they wrote for

[22:04] Bride Wars.

[22:05] Oh.

[22:05] You were giving no quarter in this Bride War.

[22:08] No, I'm just saying that the movie's a comedy, right?

[22:11] Yeah.

[22:12] So, yeah, I mean, their work's probably just as good as their script, right?

Dan McCoy

[22:18] See, I'm trying to create a detente here.

[22:25] You're tearing it down.

Stuart Wellington

[22:27] They're in the movie, too, right?

[22:28] They acting.

[22:29] They are.

[22:29] So they must have been really proud of their script.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] Well, you know what?

[22:32] Casey Wilson had a very small role, so I can't judge her.

[22:34] But the other one I thought actually was one of the funnier parts in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:39] Do you think that they had their fingers crossed for like a Juno-style, like Diablo Cody?

Dan McCoy

[22:45] I think they had their fingers crossed for a Fool's Gold-style hit.

S2

[22:50] Yeah, I think they, you know, this was before they had, you know, before Casey had Saturday

[22:56] Night Live, and so it was sort of like, oh my God, we sold a script, and we're really

[23:01] making a movie.

Dan McCoy

[23:03] Yeah.

[23:03] That's what would go through my mind.

[23:05] It's like when the Muppets took Manhattan and they put on a show.

[23:08] Exactly.

[23:08] They're just excited about being in the business.

[23:11] Somebody's getting married.

[23:13] Yeah, they didn't realize that that somebody's getting married song isn't very good.

Stuart Wellington

[23:17] That's what I, that's what I, whenever I see that, I'm like, this is what, this is like

Dan McCoy

[23:21] the culmination.

[23:22] This horrible, like, everyone, all the Muppets in this horrible, like, pink and white

[23:27] outfits in this pink and white set.

[23:29] Somebody's getting married?

[23:30] Yeah, anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[23:31] The Muppets take Manhattan.

Dan McCoy

[23:33] My least favorite of the three original Jim Henson Muppet movies.

[23:37] Oh, I like it.

[23:38] It's good still, but the Muppet movie's where it's at.

[23:41] Anyway, this isn't the Muppet movie.

[23:42] Okay.

[23:43] Sorry, sorry.

[23:43] Lots of judgments.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] So, yeah, the fellas, we're talking about their fiancés.

[23:48] One of them turns out to be a snake.

[23:50] A snake in the grass?

[23:52] Kind of, like Anne Hathaway splits up with her fella, right?

S2

[23:55] Yeah, because he makes little comments about wanting to control his wife and that kind

[24:01] of thing.

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] I'm thinking that this character's probably been sleeping around.

[24:06] That's the underlying current.

[24:08] What?

[24:08] That's why he's such a jerk.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] Yeah, he seems like a real jerk.

[24:11] Wow.

[24:12] You were just writing a movie in your head.

[24:14] I know.

[24:14] That was not apparent at all.

Stuart Wellington

[24:16] I think that would have added a little more tension if they had played up that part of

[24:20] it, the him sleeping around part, with one of the other female characters.

[24:24] Maybe Candace Bergen.

[24:25] Oh, yeah.

[24:26] We haven't mentioned Candy.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] Yeah, well, here's what I really want to address with this movie.

[24:30] What makes me angry.

[24:31] First of all, everything can be traced back to Candace Bergen and the mistake that was

[24:36] made.

[24:37] So, she accidentally books them both on the same date after assuring them that they have

[24:42] separate dates and everything's fine.

[24:44] And then the date is given away to the next person who comes in by the secretary.

[24:50] And yet, somehow, despite the fact that they had the appointment before and it was a total

[24:55] mistake, Candace Bergen doesn't just go to the woman afterwards and say, I'm sorry,

[24:59] this is a mistake.

[25:00] We can't give you that date.

[25:02] You know, like, instead, she's like, oh, you two friends have to fight it out with each

[25:07] other.

[25:07] Rather, my hands are tied.

[25:10] It was my secretary's fault.

S2

[25:11] Candace Bergen just walks around creating plots.

[25:15] That's her whole thing.

Dan McCoy

[25:17] She's like the inciting incident fairy.

[25:19] Yeah.

[25:20] Who just appears.

[25:20] She's like the bad guy.

S2

[25:22] You cannot tell a lie.

[25:23] Like, what?

[25:24] Candace Bergen just dropped in and created a plot.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] She's like the bad guy from that Stephen King Needful Things book and movie.

[25:32] Right.

Dan McCoy

[25:32] But also, they didn't even, like, come up with a clever reason why there was a mix-up.

[25:36] It was just like, I'm sorry, the secretary fucked it up.

Stuart Wellington

[25:39] Yeah, they didn't, like, have a bit where, like, like a fly flew in and it got in somebody's

[25:44] eye and they accidentally swapped the thing and then something else happened and then, like,

[25:48] a mouse ran across.

Dan McCoy

[25:49] Creating a decimal point in the date.

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:51] Like, something like that.

[25:52] Oh, sorry.

[25:53] We scheduled you for the 1.5th of June.

[25:57] You can't do it anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[25:59] Like, since that date doesn't actually exist, we pushed you off to the Bride War date.

[26:05] They didn't even try anything like that and I would have appreciated that little bit of

[26:09] an effort.

[26:10] You know, when I watch a movie, I want something that is airtight.

[26:14] You know, that's 100% plausible.

[26:17] I can't watch anything that has the least bit of fantasy in it and this movie didn't even

[26:22] try to appeal to me.

[26:24] It's almost as if the movie Bride Wars was not made for a viewer like me.

[26:29] Which I think is why the movie both succeeds and fails.

[26:36] That's literally inconceivable.

Dan McCoy

[26:38] So, I feel like we haven't used enough of the resource, Amanda, of having you here to

[26:44] represent your entire sex.

[26:48] Well...

[26:48] It's a lot of weight.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:50] It's like Atlas.

S2

[26:51] It is.

[26:52] It is.

Dan McCoy

[26:53] You better do your sisters proud.

S2

[26:54] Oh, Jesus.

[26:56] I mean, if Murphy Brown could let us down like this.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] That's the other thing about Candice Bergen.

[27:01] She's like smugly narrating the whole thing and at the end she's like, I guess the lesson

[27:06] we've learned is that, you know, friends can be just as important as spouses or whatever

[27:09] the fuck.

[27:10] And you're like, fuck you, Candice Bergen.

[27:13] You've created like three months of misery for these women.

[27:16] And now you're hanging around the wedding like smiling like you're a fairy godmother.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] But what if...

[27:22] Okay.

[27:23] Follow me on this one.

[27:24] Sorry to jump in here, Amanda.

[27:26] It's okay.

[27:26] What if she had never fucked up in the first place?

Dan McCoy

[27:29] Mm-hmm.

[27:30] Okay.

[27:31] You're saying that Anne Hathaway would get married to Chris Pratt.

Stuart Wellington

[27:33] She would have gotten married to this dude who's a dick.

[27:35] Uh-huh.

[27:36] And Kate Hudson probably would never realize that she's kind of a bitch.

[27:39] And that she looks stupid in that haircut and she'd go around with a wig all the time.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] And Anne Hathaway would never have stood up to her drunk co-worker Kristen Stewart.

[27:48] Third Rock from the Sun's Kristen Stewart.

S2

[27:49] I think it's Kristen Johnson.

[27:51] Kristen Johnson.

[27:51] You're confusing her with French Stewart.

[27:53] Her cohort from Third Rock from the Sun.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] Man, if that was a...

[27:59] That's that show where they play Aliens, right?

[28:00] Yes.

[28:01] If Kristen Johnson and French Stewart were combined, think of the comedy dynamo that that would be.

S2

[28:06] I actually think Kristen Johnson is very funny.

Dan McCoy

[28:08] I do too.

[28:09] I think Kristen Stewart would be even funnier.

[28:12] Boom.

[28:13] I saw her in Shakespeare in the Park once.

[28:16] She was very good.

Stuart Wellington

[28:18] I did too.

[28:18] Was Lady Macbeth?

[28:20] No.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] It was in Twelfth Night, I can't remember.

[28:22] Oh, okay.

S2

[28:23] They're already doing Twelfth Night again?

[28:25] Anyway.

[28:26] Let's not talk about Shakespeare.

[28:28] We're talking about Bride Wars.

[28:31] The thing about...

[28:31] Okay.

[28:32] There are a lot of flaws as far as wedding plausibility.

[28:36] I know you don't like to hear about this.

[28:38] Plausibility?

[28:38] Oh!

[28:39] That's what they should have called it.

[28:41] Implausible.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Hit me with it because despite being, I feel, a fairly nice modern gentleman, I had very

[28:50] little to do with the planning of our wedding.

[28:54] Well...

[28:54] Not you and my wedding, man.

[28:55] We aren't married.

S2

[28:56] We're not.

[28:57] First of all, you don't get married in three months.

[29:01] Like, you don't just...

[29:02] I mean, you can, but you can't do it at the plaza.

[29:05] Probably not now.

[29:06] Something important.

[29:07] Even if your parents are dead, you've got two girls here and no family member ever enters

[29:14] the scene until the wedding day.

[29:17] That is an alien world.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] Those are two, you know, really busy New York ladies, right?

S2

[29:23] They're too busy to talk to their families about these weddings at the plaza that they're

[29:30] paying for themselves?

[29:32] Yeah, they probably put money in a shoebox or something.

Dan McCoy

[29:34] Probably.

[29:36] Yeah, well, Anna Hathaway's been saving since she was, what, 16 or something?

[29:40] Yeah, that's another thing.

S2

[29:41] Like, that's not...

[29:42] That's vague.

S2

[29:42] That's not wise.

[29:44] You're gonna save all your money since you're 16 and then spend it in one day?

Dan McCoy

[29:49] Yeah, especially because she didn't...

[29:50] She's the one who actually didn't get married to the guy.

[29:53] It's true, she doesn't get married.

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] And...

[29:55] Do you think...

[29:55] But haven't you ever dated somebody that you'd be like, man, I would be willing to give

[30:00] up my entire life savings to not be with or see this person ever again?

S2

[30:06] Well, the lesson that we learn here is that until you become a raging crazy bitch who does

[30:15] incredibly stupid and hurtful things to her best friend, you don't know what kind of man

[30:20] you got.

[30:21] Yeah.

[30:22] You gotta put him through the test of you being completely irrational at every turn.

[30:27] And then, that's the guy that you're not gonna marry.

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] So that's a little...

[30:31] She was a lot more fun, though, when she was being mean.

[30:35] She was kind of boring before.

S2

[30:37] She showed a lot of cleavage to her middle schoolers, but other than that...

Stuart Wellington

[30:41] If I was a middle schooler...

[30:43] What?

[30:44] I'd probably have had a fantasy about her.

[30:46] Alright.

[30:47] You know, like a fantasy where...

[30:49] You guys...

[30:50] Like, we went on a date.

[30:51] Yeah.

[30:51] I took her for ice cream.

[30:52] Play video games together.

[30:53] Yeah.

[30:54] You know, what middle schoolers like to do.

[30:56] Maybe second base.

[30:58] Okay.

[30:59] Wow.

[31:00] Yeah.

[31:01] I bet I'd imagine that.

[31:04] Mm-hmm.

[31:05] So, uh...

Dan McCoy

[31:06] You can still imagine it, Stuart, if you want to.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] Just not right now.

[31:09] Yeah, I mean, I'm a little older.

[31:10] I mean, I'd probably imagine...

[31:12] What do they call that?

[31:13] Let's not.

[31:13] Like a home run?

[31:14] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[31:15] In the baseball parlance.

[31:17] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[31:17] Yeah, I'd probably imagine that.

[31:18] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[31:19] If I was imagining it now.

[31:21] Let's, uh...

[31:23] Let's wrap this up and give our final judgments on...

[31:25] Okay, that's gonna be tough.

[31:26] ...Bribe Wars.

[31:26] Now, Amanda, there are three official Flophouse categories.

[31:32] Number one, this is a good-bad movie.

[31:34] A bad movie that, you know, provides enjoyment from being funny.

[31:39] In its badness.

[31:40] A bad, bad movie.

[31:42] A movie that provides no enjoyment.

[31:45] Or a movie that you actually kind of liked in some way.

[31:48] So, uh...

[31:49] I'm gonna go to Stuart first, actually.

[31:51] Okay.

[31:51] What do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] Well, I'm, uh...

[31:54] You know, I'm quietly reviewing the pros and cons of this movie in my head.

[31:58] I was kind of expecting a little more hijinks.

[32:02] Mm-hmm.

[32:03] And at least some swearing.

[32:06] That's what you look for in a movie.

[32:08] Hijinks, swearing.

[32:09] Yep.

[32:10] Yeah, it just wasn't...

[32:11] There weren't any jokes.

[32:12] It wasn't fun.

[32:14] I would have at least...

[32:15] Like, 27 dresses had more jokes in it than this did.

[32:18] So, I'm probably...

[32:19] I'm gonna have to say bad, bad movie.

[32:21] Like, I did not really enjoy this movie at all.

[32:23] Amanda, what do you have to say about it?

S2

[32:25] I'd sort of like to introduce a new category.

[32:28] Oh, wow.

[32:29] I know, I know.

[32:30] Whoa, first time.

[32:31] Where...

[32:31] This is a movie that you should really only watch on an airplane.

[32:35] It's kind of a bad, bad movie, but if you're on an airplane...

Dan McCoy

[32:40] It would pass the time.

[32:41] Yeah.

[32:42] Or...

[32:42] Or it would put you to sleep.

[32:44] Which is why I recommended The Golden Compass as an airplane movie, because it put me right

[32:50] to sleep.

S2

[32:51] Oh, yeah.

[32:52] I guess that's it.

[32:53] I guess that's my judgment.

[32:54] It's a bad, bad movie.

[32:56] You could watch while under an airline-issued blanket.

Stuart Wellington

[33:02] Yeah, it's not too loud.

[33:04] There's not a lot of loud noises or shouting, really.

S2

[33:07] It's true.

[33:08] And it mostly takes place in the plaza.

[33:10] Sure.

[33:12] It's like you're already at your hotel.

Stuart Wellington

[33:14] It's kind of like a survival horror movie, in a way, because it takes place all in one

[33:18] area.

[33:19] Like the House of the Dead or something.

[33:22] Right?

[33:22] Right, Dan?

[33:23] We watched that together.

Dan McCoy

[33:24] I don't see the analogy, but...

[33:26] No, it's cool.

Stuart Wellington

[33:27] It makes sense to me.

Dan McCoy

[33:28] Okay.

[33:29] So, I'm gonna add, and I'm just gonna say...

[33:32] It's a bad, bad movie.

[33:32] It was just dispiriting and unpleasant.

[33:37] You know, seeing two people hurt each other for an hour and a half.

[33:44] Not in...

[33:44] Where's your sense of fun, Dan?

[33:47] Not in interesting ways.

[33:50] And then...

[33:50] I mean, war is in the title.

[33:52] Right.

[33:52] Yeah, what were you expecting, dude?

[33:53] I wasn't expecting, I don't know, like, Darfur now.

[33:57] Sure.

[34:00] Comparable, by the way.

[34:01] Very comparable.

[34:03] You know, it's just like a bunch of misery, and then they tack on one minute of sentiment

[34:07] at the end, and you're supposed to forget everything that happened.

S2

[34:10] And with that other bride crawling on the floor going, shoot me.

[34:15] Yeah.

[34:16] That really was grim.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] Yeah.

[34:19] I actually kind of got off on it, but that's me.

[34:22] She was pregnant, I think.

[34:24] So, moving on.

[34:25] What's the next part of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[34:27] The next part is I'm going to read a little listener mail.

[34:30] Oh, some more hate mail?

[34:32] Quite the opposite, my friend.

[34:33] Oh, wow.

[34:33] Cool.

[34:34] The subject heading here is Beverly Hills Chihaha.

Stuart Wellington

[34:39] Okay, sure.

[34:41] And this is from...

[34:42] I wonder...

[34:42] Wait, which podcast do you think they watched?

Dan McCoy

[34:45] This is from Jeremiah, last name with Held.

[34:48] And it says,

[34:50] Today I went for a run in the park, and instead of listening to my usual mix of conspiracy

[34:54] and paranormal-themed podcasts, I decided to run with the Flophouse.

[34:59] And I must say, it was a very enjoyable, productive run.

[35:01] The belly laughs helped with my belly breaths.

[35:05] Not to mention, I ran for about ten minutes more than I usually do.

[35:10] I finished off the run by sitting near a shimmering pond, teeming with ducks, as you recommend

[35:14] in movies, and delighted in viewer mail.

[35:17] If this email sounds a bit flowery, it's probably because I'm still coming down from the runner's

[35:21] high that the Flophouse helped induce.

[35:23] Perhaps you'd benefit from marketing this Flophouse as a fitness podcast.

[35:28] If you do so, please call out when the listener should be finishing his or her first, second,

[35:32] and third miles.

[35:34] What do you think?

[35:35] Do you think we can make a little extra money?

[35:36] That's a good idea.

[35:37] Or any money?

[35:39] Repurposing it?

[35:40] I don't think there's much of a beat to the Flophouse to sort of keep pace to.

[35:45] Yeah, but we're not trying.

Stuart Wellington

[35:46] I bet we're pretty smart.

S2

[35:48] If you could, next time, watch Chariots of Fire.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Yeah.

[35:53] What?

[35:53] We could just trade off so that whenever someone's not talking, they could be humming the Chariots

[35:59] of Fire theme as a background to everyone who is talking and just round robin.

Stuart Wellington

[36:03] I always kind of imagine that.

[36:05] When I was growing up, I watched Mr. Mom a lot.

[36:09] Mr. Mom a lot?

[36:10] No.

[36:10] I don't know what that movie is.

Dan McCoy

[36:12] It's a movie with Mr. Mom in Camelot.

Stuart Wellington

[36:15] It's really weird.

[36:16] No, what I was going to say is, hey, chill out here, kid.

[36:20] What I was going to say is, I watched the movie Mr. Mom often.

[36:25] And there's the bit where there's like a sack race and they play the music from Chariots

[36:28] of Fire.

[36:29] So I always kind of like, I was always like, wow, why are they playing that music from Mr.

[36:33] Mom?

[36:34] Anytime people were like running around and later on in life, I found out that it wasn't originally

[36:38] from Mr. Mom.

[36:40] So, Mr. Mom.

Dan McCoy

[36:42] Michael Keaton.

[36:43] To sum up, Mr. Mom.

[36:44] Anyway, continuing, he says, also I enjoyed your discussion of movie remakes and encouraged

[36:49] me to check out the original Assault on Precinct 13 on that Netflix on demand thing.

[36:54] What a great movie!

[36:55] Exclamation point.

[36:57] It gave me a weird dream that I was in a house being attacked by gangs.

[37:01] Last night I had a dream that I was still in high school and my parents were moving to

[37:03] a new house.

[37:04] I don't know if that was related to the movie, but it was very powerful.

[37:08] This is an awesome letter.

[37:10] I don't know why I'm looking to you for reactions to it.

[37:12] Yeah, I don't know.

[37:12] It's pretty good.

[37:14] Lastly, he says, I just received my New York tour guide license.

[37:18] Did you know that back in the day there were actual flophouses in the Bowery?

[37:22] The flophouse manager, maybe the equivalent of Dan, would draw a grid on the floor with

[37:27] chalk.

[37:28] Patrons would pay a nickel to have one of the squares for a night.

[37:31] Dan does do that.

[37:33] Yeah.

[37:33] Well, that's how I make money from Stuart.

[37:36] I draw a square on the floor.

[37:39] And I give you a nickel for it.

[37:40] I'm looking for it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:41] Weirdly enough, prices have not gone up.

Dan McCoy

[37:44] You don't sleep on it.

[37:45] You just like seeing squares.

Stuart Wellington

[37:47] Yeah.

[37:48] And you know what?

[37:49] I tried to haggle you down to only four cents, but you were having none of it.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] That's kind of why I respect you, Dave.

[37:55] That would be a 20% drop in income.

Stuart Wellington

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:57] Well, I mean, we don't have half cents or anything.

[38:00] We're not like another country.

[38:02] So, viewer mail.

[38:03] That was great.

Dan McCoy

[38:05] Was it, Stuart?

[38:06] It really recharged my batteries.

[38:08] How do people find the flophouse?

[38:10] Oh, God.

[38:11] The listeners would have to answer that.

[38:13] I have no idea.

[38:14] I mean, some people...

[38:15] Occasionally, Dan stops people in the street and talks to them about it.

[38:19] I force an iPod into their hand.

[38:21] And it's a very expensive way of getting people to listen to them.

S2

[38:24] It is.

[38:25] Especially when you pick an incredibly fast New York City tour guide.

[38:29] Uh-huh.

[38:30] That guy is off.

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] Three miles in an hour.

[38:34] That's not bad.

[38:35] Yeah.

[38:35] Plus time for ducks on a pond.

S2

[38:37] What was his name?

[38:38] Jeremiah?

[38:38] Yeah.

[38:39] Jeremiah, if you're listening, pick up the pace.

Stuart Wellington

[38:41] Come on.

[38:42] You can do it.

[38:42] You can do four.

Dan McCoy

[38:44] Consider us your coach.

S2

[38:46] Just imagine you're running from an intense bride shootout.

Stuart Wellington

[38:50] Yeah.

[38:51] A bunch of brides chasing you.

[38:52] And if they all looked like fat Kate Hudson, I would be terrified.

[38:55] A monster face.

[38:57] Oh, yeah.

[38:57] To summarize.

[38:59] Just let it go.

Dan McCoy

[39:00] I can't help it.

[39:01] She just got so big.

[39:02] Anyway, let's go on to recommendations.

[39:04] Like a blend.

[39:06] This is the part where we prove that we're not miserable people who hate everything by recommending movies.

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] Well, we don't hate all movies.

Dan McCoy

[39:13] Right?

[39:14] You're saying that you do hate everything.

[39:16] Well, almost.

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] Yeah, pretty much.

[39:18] I guess because I don't hate certain movies, that would mean qualified that I don't hate everything.

Dan McCoy

[39:23] Okay.

[39:24] But the point is, it can be something we've seen recently.

[39:27] It doesn't have to be.

[39:29] I'll go first.

[39:30] I recently saw a movie that Elliot recommended in the past.

[39:34] I'm not recommending this.

[39:35] It was Mishima Life in Four Chapters.

[39:38] But I would like to recommend the other good Paul Schrader directed movie.

[39:43] He's written a lot of good movies.

[39:44] He's written a lot of good movies.

[39:44] But I think that he's only really directed two really great movies, I think.

[39:49] And one of them is Blue Collar with Yafit Kato.

[39:55] I don't even know how to say his last name.

[39:58] Harvey Keitel.

[39:59] And Richard Pryor in probably his best role, which is odd because it's mainly a dramatic role.

[40:06] Although he's still sort of funny in it.

[40:08] You know, it's a movie about Detroit auto workers who are union guys.

[40:15] And it's sort of a depressing drama about how Blue Collar workers are sort of crushed.

Stuart Wellington

[40:26] Is that like that movie with Michael Keaton?

[40:28] Yeah, it's exactly like Gung Ho.

[40:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:32] Japanese Mr. Mom.

[40:34] Exactly.

[40:35] Think of Blue Collar as a slightly funnier version of Gung Ho.

[40:38] Slightly funnier?

Stuart Wellington

[40:40] I don't know if I can, uh, I should watch that then.

Dan McCoy

[40:43] Might hemorrhage from all the belly laughs.

[40:45] I'm giving Amanda a little time to think in case she doesn't have something because we sprung this on her a little bit.

[40:50] So, Stuart, do you have anything?

[40:52] I gotta go now?

[40:52] Yeah, you're looking at me as if we haven't done this podcast for nearly two years now.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] Okay, so I gotta recommend something.

[41:00] I think, I might, I don't think I've ever recommended this before, but I'm gonna recommend it.

[41:04] I'm gonna recommend it, and if I've already recommended it, you should watch it again.

[41:08] It's a movie called Head of the Family.

[41:11] I don't know how you would be able to find this movie because I don't believe it's on DVD, which I think stands for Digital Video Disc.

[41:19] Or Versatile.

[41:20] Yeah, that.

[41:21] You might be able to find it on VHS.

[41:25] It's basically a movie about a small town shyster and his kind of slutty girlfriend who try and pull a fast one on a local family that live kind of in exclusion.

[41:40] They're known for being quite wealthy.

[41:43] It's like you're telling it.

[41:44] It's like this is a library story time.

[41:47] Sure.

[41:47] They're a family of oddities.

[41:50] I believe they might have some kind of ties to mad science, perhaps.

[41:54] And the family consists of three brothers and a sister, and each of them has their own special powers.

[42:04] You have one brother who can see and hear really well.

[42:08] You have one brother who's incredibly strong, but he's very stupid.

[42:12] You have a sister who's incredibly beautiful, but she's not very bright.

[42:18] Wait, those two are kind of like each other.

[42:20] Yeah, well, they're similar.

[42:22] I mean, they are related, for God's sake.

[42:24] Okay.

[42:25] Okay.

[42:25] And then they're all held together by the head of the family, who is this giant head with a tiny little body,

[42:32] who is super smart because he's a giant head.

[42:35] And he can control his brothers and his siblings telepathically.

[42:41] So this small-town shyster tries to pull a fast one on them, and of course, gets burned in the process.

[42:48] I don't know if I should classify it as like a horror movie or a thriller.

[42:52] It's just very strange.

[42:54] Is it a thrill-omity?

[42:54] Yeah, kind of.

[42:56] Part of why you should watch it is there is a fair amount of nudity.

[43:00] Jacqueline Lavelle from the Femalian series is in it, and she's just very good at acting,

[43:07] even when completely naked and tied to a stake that's on fire.

Dan McCoy

[43:10] I think that's the special skills on her headshot.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] Yeah, I can't say that about a lot of actresses.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] No, you can't say that about Kate Hudson.

Stuart Wellington

[43:17] No.

[43:18] Or Kate Winslet.

S2

[43:20] If Kate Hudson is near a stake, she's going to put that fire out.

[43:24] Eat it.

[43:27] So, head of the family.

Stuart Wellington

[43:30] Better than Kate Hudson and Kate Winslet put together.

Dan McCoy

[43:34] Amanda, what do you have to recommend, if anything?

S2

[43:36] What do you mean, if anything?

[43:39] What am I?

[43:39] I just don't want to do.

[43:40] A cavewoman?

Dan McCoy

[43:41] I just don't want to pressure you.

S2

[43:43] Well, you know, any time you ask me for a movie recommendation.

[43:46] A man doesn't like to pressure women.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] I went to school with him.

[43:49] I know.

[43:49] Very sweet that way.

S2

[43:51] Soap dish.

[43:52] Okay.

[43:52] I always recommend the movie Soap Dish.

[43:54] If you haven't seen it, you should.

Dan McCoy

[43:56] Why are you recommending Soap Dish to us?

[43:59] I was imagining you recommending it to someone who's like, I'm in the mood for a real tearjerker.

[44:04] Soap Dish.

[44:06] I'm in the mood for an erotic thriller.

S2

[44:08] Again.

[44:09] But I also, I saw, this isn't a new movie, I guess, but I saw it recently.

[44:15] A French thriller called Tell No One.

[44:18] Yeah.

[44:19] That's a really good movie.

[44:20] Yeah.

[44:21] And I don't want to tell you anything about it because I don't want to spoil anything.

[44:25] Unlike Head of the Family.

[44:26] Spoilers, watch.

[44:28] What the fuck?

Dan McCoy

[44:28] And you want to, you know, honor the imperative statements of the title.

S2

[44:33] Yeah.

[44:33] You know, tell no one.

Stuart Wellington

[44:34] If it matters, that's the most I've ever described a movie I've ever recommended.

[44:39] Dan and Elliot are like...

[44:41] Well, Elliot is very...

[44:42] He tells the whole story.

Dan McCoy

[44:44] He talks for 15 minutes.

[44:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] I usually go to the bathroom while he starts recommending something.

[44:51] Or fix myself a sandwich.

[44:52] So I appreciate your lack of spoilers.

S2

[44:55] Thanks.

[44:55] The only thing, Kristen Scott Thomas of The English Patient is in this movie.

[45:00] And it's just, you know, like, oh yeah, she turned French.

[45:06] I forgot about that.

[45:07] Like, I guess she started out in French movies and then...

Dan McCoy

[45:10] I thought at first the way you were going about it was like you were just sort of warning.

[45:14] You're like, the only thing Kristen Scott Thomas from The English Patient is in this movie.

[45:20] So...

S2

[45:20] No, it's, you know, she's perfectly good.

[45:23] And, you know, she is acting in French.

[45:25] So I could lose some nuances there.

[45:27] But she seems fine.

[45:29] I couldn't act in French.

[45:30] Could you, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[45:31] I could, actually.

[45:32] No.

[45:32] I mean, I have.

[45:34] We'll talk about that later.

[45:35] That collection of Tartuffe you were in.

Dan McCoy

[45:36] Yep.

S2

[45:38] Does mime count?

Dan McCoy

[45:40] Sure.

[45:40] All right.

[45:42] I think this has been a delight.

[45:44] Yeah.

[45:44] Guys.

[45:45] Well, I mean, Bride Wars wasn't...

[45:46] Congratulations to us.

[45:47] Bride Wars wasn't a delight.

[45:49] No.

[45:50] It wasn't.

[45:50] That part of it wasn't.

[45:52] Yeah, don't watch that.

[45:53] The fact that we all were brought together in a marriage of comedy podcasting.

Stuart Wellington

[46:00] And there was no wars with ours.

[46:01] No.

[46:03] Yeah, they smile on the box for Bride Wars.

[46:05] And I think that's false.

[46:08] Because they don't smile a lot in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[46:11] You're saying that there wouldn't be a guaranteed entertainment sticker on the box for this.

[46:15] Like there was for the film Don't Tell Her It's Me starring Steve Guttenberg.

Stuart Wellington

[46:19] There's no guaranteed entertainment.

[46:21] They couldn't make that claim.

Dan McCoy

[46:22] Perhaps we should sign off.

S2

[46:24] Yeah, I think it's probably the best.

[46:25] Thanks for having me on your podcast.

Dan McCoy

[46:26] Thanks for coming.

[46:27] Thanks for being here.

S2

[46:28] Hey, no problem.

Dan McCoy

[46:29] Thanks for moving two blocks away.

S2

[46:31] Hey, that works out great for me.

Dan McCoy

[46:33] I can stop by and borrow a cup of sugar.

S2

[46:36] No, not for me.

[46:37] I wouldn't let him.

Dan McCoy

[46:39] I can stop by and borrow a cup of Splenda.

[46:41] That's right.

[46:42] That's right.

[46:42] And the moral of the story is I'm Dan McCoy.

[46:45] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[46:47] And I'm still Amanda Melson.

[46:50] Good night.

[46:51] Yay.

[46:52] You made the exact same joke that Elliot always does.

[46:55] Really?

[46:56] Really?

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] What?

[47:02] Do you want me to sit back?

Dan McCoy

[47:03] Well, the thing is like you hug the mic in the beginning and then you sit back and then

[47:06] we can't hear you during the...

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] I'm not a robot, man.

[47:09] Should I put my hands on my knees so I don't break in the room?

[47:12] There was a lot of thumping and I don't know if you've heard the last podcast.

[47:16] I did, yeah.

[47:17] Because I was like, man, that one was great.

[47:19] And then I listened to them and I'm like, whoa, I was just really drunk.

S4

[47:22] Anyway.

The Flop House: Episode #39 - Bride Wars

Transcript

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