The Flop House: Episode #39 - Bride Wars

[0:00] In this special Flag Day episode, we honor those fallen in the Bride Wars.

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:36] And I'm Amanda Melson.

[0:38] Yeah, that's not a castrated Elliot.

[0:41] Yeah, that's not Elliot. That's Amanda.

[0:44] Please. How much higher is my voice than Elliot's?

[0:47] I think it's probably on par. Slightly less nasal.

[0:51] Yeah.

[0:53] You have a warm quality of your voice.

[0:56] That's true. And I think what you're leading into is that we have a guest host this week, right?

[1:01] Yeah.

[1:02] Amanda, tell us a little bit about yourself. Why are you here?

[1:06] Well, I have done stand-up comedy, and I used to do a comedy show with Dan called Sarah Schaefer Is Obsessed With You.

[1:18] I like how you were going to call it the Sarah Schaefer Show.

[1:20] Yeah, I mean, I was going to, but the most important reason why I'm here is that I live two blocks away.

[1:25] That's not Pull Back the Curtain.

[1:29] You also showed up in a limousine in front of our personal screening room.

[1:33] You've written for some TV comedy shows.

[1:35] Oh, right. I've written for Greg Giraldo on Comedy Central and Best Week Ever.

[1:41] This is a podcast, so we have to steal the TV glamour.

[1:44] Okay.

[1:45] If we can get some.

[1:46] Sure.

[1:47] Wait, there's TV glamour? Like a TV show based on glamour magazines?

[1:52] No, I just mean that there's no red carpet for podcasts.

[1:56] Yeah, there probably isn't.

[1:58] I mean, unless you're going to the Potties or whatever they're called.

[2:01] Wait, is that the name?

[2:03] I don't know. Streamys?

[2:05] Yeah, right. You're totally right. The Streamys.

[2:08] Ew, don't go to the Streamys. Don't wear good shoes to that.

[2:13] Well, don't go to the Streamys in Vegas. Just check where they're being held.

[2:17] Yeah.

[2:18] Okay.

[2:19] Because it's a different thing out there.

[2:20] Sure.

[2:22] Man, so we watched a movie tonight, didn't we?

[2:26] We did.

[2:27] It's called Bride Wars.

[2:28] It was.

[2:29] Well, this was Dan's choice because Dan is a big Anne Hathaway freak.

[2:33] Simply not true.

[2:35] No, I think it's true. You loved Rachel Getting Married.

[2:38] It was your favorite movie of last year.

[2:40] That is true.

[2:41] And you were like, hey guys, let's watch Bride Wars. Anne Hathaway's my favorite.

[2:45] It's about another wedding.

[2:47] I own Havoc and I own that gay cowboy movie just so I can see her naked.

[2:55] Princess Diaries.

[2:57] Yeah, and she's naked in that too, right?

[2:59] Yeah.

[3:00] So you watch those movies all the time.

[3:02] With Julie Andrews.

[3:03] Yeah, so I have to leave now.

[3:07] And you were like, I really need to see Bride Wars.

[3:09] And I was like, hey, Fool's Gold is my favorite movie.

[3:13] Was Overboard, was she in Overboard? Kate Hudson?

[3:16] It was her mom.

[3:17] Okay, they look alike, I think.

[3:20] So I was like, I'm up for this. Bride Wars sounds great.

[3:23] And so that's why we started watching it.

[3:25] I just like bride violence.

[3:27] I'm just a big fan of the genre.

[3:30] I enjoyed that part of Kill Bill, wasn't there?

[3:33] When Uma Thurman is just dressed up and just gets it.

[3:37] She's also pregnant, and that falls under my fetish.

[3:40] Pregnant women being shot.

[3:42] You're also always buying Pay-Per-View, Bride vs. Bride rumbles.

[3:48] Which in a way, what we watched tonight was Pay-Per-View, Bride vs. Bride rumbles.

[3:52] It's true.

[3:53] And we also did this movie while Elliot wasn't here,

[3:55] because it really makes him sad to see his best friend in the whole world,

[3:59] Anne Hathaway, in the movies,

[4:01] and to know that he's not going to see her anymore

[4:04] because she's in that Hollywood lifestyle.

[4:07] So their decades-long friendship can't stay.

[4:10] I think it's also because he knows that as soon as we put a movie on,

[4:14] I can't stop myself from making dirty comments about every actress that comes on the screen.

[4:19] Yeah, how do you feel about that, Amanda?

[4:21] I'm like, hubba hubba.

[4:23] I didn't notice any dirty comments about that.

[4:26] Maybe I couldn't hear it over my own dirty comments about the actresses.

[4:30] Yeah, he can't handle it.

[4:32] It drives him up the wall every time we watch Princess Diaries and whatnot.

[4:36] Every time?

[4:37] Every time.

[4:38] Well, we get together.

[4:39] We do a slumber party every month.

[4:42] We watch the Princess Diaries.

[4:44] We do each other's beards.

[4:47] Wait, we do the beard?

[4:49] Is that like a dance?

[4:51] Yeah.

[4:53] Is that from Hairspray or something?

[4:55] I've done that dance.

[4:56] Nice.

[4:58] So, Bride Wars.

[5:00] Dan, why don't you explain this movie to us?

[5:03] Sure, okay.

[5:04] There are these two young girls,

[5:06] and as young girls want to do,

[5:09] they dream only of their wedding.

[5:11] Amanda, this is what happens, right?

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:14] You're going to be our spring broid.

[5:16] Spring broid?

[5:17] Wait a minute.

[5:18] Our spring break.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] You're going to be our spring board for all bride-related questions.

[5:25] I did get married less than a year ago.

[5:28] Yeah, see?

[5:29] So, I should be an expert on what horrible, jealous bitches

[5:36] apparently all women are when they become brides,

[5:39] according to Bride Wars.

[5:41] So, in this movie, these girls are obsessed with getting married.

[5:45] Yeah, well, it's the culmination of a woman's life.

[5:47] At one point, Candace Bergen actually says that

[5:50] until you get married, you're dead.

[5:52] Yeah, you're like a...

[5:54] She does.

[5:55] She does.

[5:56] You're dead, and then you get married, and you come alive.

[5:58] Wow.

[5:59] So, women...

[6:00] The secret of eternal life.

[6:02] Yeah, or just brides are a lot like the undead.

[6:06] Kind of.

[6:07] Well, both of them die if you shoot them in the head.

[6:09] It's true.

[6:10] So, that's one similarity.

[6:12] Wasn't Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her?

[6:15] Oh, right.

[6:16] She was!

[6:17] That's kind of like a Bride War.

[6:19] Almost immediately abandoned the synopsis.

[6:21] So, anyway.

[6:22] Oh, sorry.

[6:23] They grow up the best of friends.

[6:25] Kate Hudson does things like buy expensive designer dresses for her friend.

[6:30] Sure.

[6:31] Secretly trying to pass it off as one of her cast-offs,

[6:34] because she's so nice and they're such good friends.

[6:36] And Kate Hudson is a lawyer, a high-powered lawyer,

[6:40] and Anne Hathaway is a cleavage-bearing teacher.

[6:46] Yeah, school teacher.

[6:47] And so, all is well in Bride World.

[6:53] They both get engaged around the same time.

[6:55] Yeah.

[6:56] And then they go in tandem to a bridal, what are they called?

[7:03] He left out an important detail, Dan,

[7:06] which is that when they're dreaming about their weddings, when they're little girls,

[7:10] they dream exclusively about getting married in June at the Plaza.

[7:15] Oh, yeah.

[7:16] What's the Plaza?

[7:17] The Plaza Hotel.

[7:18] Okay.

[7:19] And that's a hotel in Chicago?

[7:22] No.

[7:23] I think it's in New York.

[7:24] It's in New York.

[7:25] Oh, okay.

[7:26] Central Park.

[7:27] And that's a pretty nice, well-known hotel, right?

[7:28] Yeah.

[7:29] Okay.

[7:30] That would have made the whole movie make more sense, by the way,

[7:33] if I had known that before.

[7:34] You're like, where's the Sears Tower the whole time?

[7:37] But, yeah.

[7:38] No, there's only one month when it's appropriate for a young lady to get married.

[7:42] And only at the Plaza.

[7:44] So the two of them go to Candice Bergen, the wedding planner,

[7:49] not Jennifer Lopez, the wedding planner.

[7:51] So, yeah, they go to this wedding planner together,

[7:53] which is, you know, we should have smelled like that that was going to cause a problem.

[7:58] That's disaster in the making.

[8:00] Because what happens, Dan?

[8:02] Well, they –

[8:03] What happens here?

[8:04] They're leaving.

[8:05] They both get a date in June, three months from now, miraculously,

[8:10] despite all this talk about how hard it is to get a date at the Plaza Hotel.

[8:15] And then as they're leaving, they tell SNL's Casey Wilson that –

[8:21] Who wrote the movie, by the way, who co-wrote the movie.

[8:24] That, you know, she better snap up the one remaining date in June.

[8:29] And then they leave.

[8:30] And then later on Candice Bergen calls back and says,

[8:33] oh, lo and behold, the secretary screwed up and booked both of their weddings on one day

[8:39] and gave the only other date to Casey Wilson.

[8:43] Wow.

[8:44] Yeah, problems.

[8:45] That's trouble.

[8:46] That's what we call the unsighting in June.

[8:47] How much time do they have before their wedding?

[8:48] Three months.

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:50] Is that enough time?

[8:51] No, not enough time.

[8:52] Well, what – they have to do some stuff like set out invitations.

[8:55] Yeah, and like vendors are all booked up.

[8:57] Bachelor parties to schedule.

[8:59] You know, you can't just go into a bride war like that without a sound plan.

[9:05] It's going to turn into like Iraq.

[9:09] We usually don't get political so quick.

[9:12] Sorry.

[9:13] Sorry.

[9:14] That's true.

[9:15] You've got to know how to win the peace.

[9:16] Yeah.

[9:17] You have to have an exit strategy.

[9:19] Yeah, exit strategy, which I think involved a wedding of some kind.

[9:23] I guess that was.

[9:24] So at this point, if you have seen a movie before in your life.

[9:27] Why don't they just have a joint wedding?

[9:29] Why don't they stagger the times?

[9:31] Yeah, that's a good question.

[9:34] They could stagger the times on the same day.

[9:37] That's not that hard.

[9:38] It's not addressed by the film Bride Wars.

[9:40] Weddings don't take that long.

[9:41] No.

[9:42] The ceremony.

[9:43] Yeah, I mean, it didn't look like it was a Catholic wedding.

[9:45] Kate Hudson is a bit of a – she likes all the focus on herself.

[9:50] She's bossy.

[9:51] Like a bridezilla.

[9:53] Yeah, both of her parents are dead, by the way.

[9:55] But we're not supposed to feel sorry for her at any point.

[9:58] Probably why she's so bossy.

[10:00] because she grew up an orphan. Yeah. Just like that little orphan Annie. I know. Her wedding

[10:05] must have been a nightmare. To Sandy. Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm distracted by the little orphan Annie

[10:18] slash dog wedding that I just imagined. It's so great watching Daddy Warbucks walk her down the

[10:23] aisle towards Sandy. And then cry that she's come to such a pass. Yeah. That's what happens

[10:31] when you pick up girls off the street and raise them. They've got serious problems. But the point

[10:38] is that Anne Hathaway is like, no, I'm, you know, for once I want something for myself.

[10:43] So they don't want to schedule at the same time. And then due to a series of misunderstandings,

[10:47] they both agree to put it off until they can work it out. But they think that they've both

[10:51] broken the bride war truce. Yeah. And so things escalate and they sabotage each other until...

[10:59] That must have been fun. No, it was just disappearing and depressing and unpleasant.

[11:06] What do they do? Like, shoot each other and stuff? Like, what's going on? How do they

[11:10] sabotage each other? You know, Anne Hathaway fattens Kate Hudson up so she can't fit in her

[11:16] dress. Yeah, because apparently Kate Hudson, who's very thin, can't stop herself from eating

[11:23] anything that is placed in front of her. So the big plan to fatten up Kate Hudson is to make sure

[11:29] that food is placed near her. That food is available. Yes. I think probably the best joke

[11:37] in the entire movie being that she receives a package from, what, Butters? International

[11:44] Butter Club, which is actually what they were originally going to call Last Tango in Paris.

[11:52] Okay, since Elliot isn't here, I have to do it. R-O-C-K-N-A-U-S-A! R-O-C-K-N-A-U-S-A!

[12:00] So, yeah, that was a good joke because she apparently ate a bunch of butter

[12:07] that she thought was from around the world. If you place butter near Kate Hudson, she will eat it.

[12:14] Do you think she smeared it on a cracker or just like ate slices? On cookies, probably.

[12:20] When you get good international butter, Stuart, you don't want to dilute that by putting it on

[12:24] a cracker. I want to go to the International House of Butter. Yeah, you just go in there.

[12:31] It's like a tapas place. You get sample platters of little pieces of butter.

[12:35] Sounds pretty good, actually. But the point is, just to finish up the synopsis, you know,

[12:40] obviously, they both get married on the same day and after a big brawl, they come back and

[12:47] they realize that they're friends again. They can't keep this up anymore and Kate Hudson gets

[12:54] married. Anne Hathaway breaks it off with her fiancé, but all is well because later on Anne

[13:00] Hathaway gets involved with Kate Hudson's brother. That's pretty much it. So now that we've

[13:06] synopsized, we can focus more in depth. Yeah, and then there's that terrible twist ending.

[13:12] I don't know what you're talking about. You know, where you think the nightmare is over and then you

[13:15] find out that they're both pregnant. Oh no! I don't know if that qualifies as a twist ending,

[13:20] Stuart. I don't know if I would characterize. They have the same due date. Yeah, you think

[13:24] that it's all over. You think like, oh man, they're going to be friends forever and then

[13:27] you're like, oh my god, they are both pregnant and going to have babies. They're going to have

[13:32] a war over that. Yeah. Mom wars or something. They're going to try and terminate each other's

[13:38] pregnancies. Possibly violently. Yeah, and then afterwards they'll be like, we shouldn't have

[13:42] done that. No. We're friends. Mom's never avoided each other's babies. Filling their water bottles

[13:48] with vodka and various other things. Are you 80? What? Sending them on a tour of a coat hanger

[13:57] factory. Nice. That's a good joke, dude. So yeah, I'm kind of waiting for this movie, expecting

[14:05] there to be a little more silliness and a little more kind of wacky humor. Yeah. It's almost a

[14:12] drama. It is almost a drama. It's just a bad drama. You want it to be more like Wedding Crashers,

[14:18] except... Yeah, except more nudity, obviously. I don't know. Or like any film where there's a

[14:25] fight over one thing. I mean, I compared it to War of the Roses, but there's got to be a better

[14:30] version of that. But it just has to go bigger if it's going to work. There was no sabotaging that

[14:37] went on that made you feel like, oh my God, this person has literally gone too far. It's impossible

[14:44] for them to ever be friends again. They didn't kill one of their cats or set somebody's hair on

[14:50] fire. As a cat owner, I'm scared that that's where your brain went to. So you're saying that

[14:56] when we... And I was looking at your cat when I said it. At the same day, the same time,

[15:02] are you going to kill my cat? You're already married, Dan. Well, before the podcast,

[15:07] you were making plans for my eventual divorce and then you moved in together. I have like an

[15:11] odd couple type situation, sure. I don't think that's going to happen, but if it did... Well,

[15:16] I would imagine Lulu would go with Sarah, not you. Who gets the podcast. Yeah. Sarah would

[15:23] probably get the podcast. Yeah. So it'd be... That's her alimony payment. All the money we

[15:29] make off this podcast is going straight to her. Or just your alimony is that once a month,

[15:34] you give her a podcast. Here you go. I watched Righteous Kill. Yeah, I'm glad we didn't watch

[15:42] that. But maybe in the future. Maybe in the future. So the one moment I did like in the movie

[15:48] was Anne Hathaway's character is really boring and she's nice all the time. I mean,

[15:53] she shows a lot of cleavage, but whatever. She's a people pleaser. Yeah, absolutely. I think they

[15:59] describe her as a people pleaser. But yeah, she sneaks into Kate Hudson's bachelorette party,

[16:08] which is held at an all-male review. And they get Kate Hudson's character up on stage and

[16:15] they're trying to get her to dance. And then Anne Hathaway reveals that she's actually there and

[16:21] she challenges Kate Hudson to a dance-off. Dance-off. Yeah, basically. If anything,

[16:27] Anne Hathaway at least looks like she's having fun while she's dancing and doing silly dances

[16:32] in a tiny pair of shorts. Right. So I enjoyed that part of the movie, Dan. You say that very

[16:37] challengingly. Yeah, I'm waiting for you to say that that was your least favorite part of the

[16:42] movie. No, that probably, again, was also my favorite part of the movie because as you point

[16:46] out, at least Anne Hathaway is committing to dancing really silly. It's true. But also,

[16:51] nice gams, Anne Hathaway. She's really a leggy bride warrior. Yep. Like an Amazon. There was

[17:00] another part where Anne Hathaway said, F that or something. No, Mother F. Oh, Mother F. Mother F.

[17:06] That was almost a joke. Yeah. Yeah. And Kate Hudson kind of looks like an alien for a lot of

[17:11] the movie. Uh-huh. I think part of it's her haircut, though. Her haircut looks really weird.

[17:16] Maybe that was a deleted subplot that she was an alien come to Earth to ruin people's weddings.

[17:23] She was going to stop the procreation. That would be a better movie. It wasn't that her parents were

[17:27] dead. It's that her parents were dead because they were on a planet that was extinguished because

[17:31] a star exploded. Exactly. And they shot at Earth on a little rocket. And Kate Hudson gets her power

[17:37] from the Earth's yellow sun. Yeah. And they wrapped her in a blanket that would later become her

[17:41] haircut. So yeah, she was great. She looked wonderful. And she got super fat in this movie,

[17:50] right? I would not say that. You kept saying that. She couldn't fit into her dress. She was enormous.

[17:57] Uh-huh. She literally gained five pounds. Yeah, like a blimp. You don't come back from something

[18:03] like that. Yeah. I mean, it was like Jared Leto in that movie where he gets really fat that I

[18:08] didn't see. Chapter 27 or something like that? Probably. Where he plays the guy who killed John

[18:14] Lennon, Mark David Chapman. I mean, I didn't see it. I just heard the guy got really fat. And that's

[18:18] kind of what Kate Hudson did here. She did. But it could all be solved by at least just a week

[18:25] of having cookies placed slightly away from her. Sure. Just out of reach. She could keep

[18:31] all international butters just a little bit away from her. Just put them in the fridge, maybe,

[18:37] instead of on her desk. Let's talk about these ladies' fiancés, initially. Oh, dream boats.

[18:44] Yeah. Well, they're hunks. I mean, the heart throbs. One of the guys who seemed homosexual

[18:52] the whole movie. Dan. Yeah, I gotta say that. Wait, did you say Dan seemed homosexual? Oh,

[18:57] what were we talking about? I'm sorry. So the one guy, you know, the guy that was from that Reba

[19:03] show that I was talking about? That Reba show? You mean Reba? Yeah, the one where she plays a

[19:09] single mom who works really hard. Reba McIntyre? Yeah. I thought it was called, like, Tell It to

[19:16] Reba. No, it was just Reba? I remember the tagline. Er, Reba's house. Whose house? It's Reba's.

[19:23] Okay. So that guy, one of the guys was on that show. Right, and the other guy was Chris Pratt,

[19:29] who's now on Parks and Recreation as, what's her face, Rashida Jones's boyfriend. Oh. So he's a

[19:38] professional oaf actor. That's the part he plays. Yeah, like a doof. Yeah, a doofy. He was also on

[19:44] the OC playing a doofy. Really? Yeah. Yeah, he looks like he could be on the OC. So, not now.

[19:50] Now he's sort of puffy like Kate Hudson in this movie. He's fat like Kate Hudson in this movie?

[19:56] Such a chunk. You know what? We've been busy, uh, by the

[20:00] the way objectifying the females in this movie

[20:03] amanda the males in this film the fiancees, what do you think, would you cast these as

[20:08] either of your

[20:09] fiancees in the movie you would make about your own

[20:12] bride wars

[20:13] wait a minute

[20:15] well there's a, wait a second, what kind of fancy answer was that?

[20:19] i didn't have a bride war, elaborate scenario, at one point my wedding did

[20:25] occupy the gaza strip

[20:27] but

[20:28] not really a war, it's just a conflict

[20:31] yeah but you're right, you're right, it was a police action

[20:35] uh... so the

[20:36] kate hudson, fat kate hudson's fiance

[20:39] uh... was gay

[20:40] let's face it, probably

[20:42] pretty gay, she was his beard

[20:44] that's the tragic

[20:45] sequel to this movie

[20:47] when she discovers that her hard won

[20:49] wedding was a lie

[20:51] how did she get pregnant do you think

[20:53] her uh... her personal assistant i bet

[20:56] probably

[20:57] you know or maybe she did it with

[20:59] so-and-so's fiance

[21:01] i think she did it with john daly

[21:04] yeah

[21:04] we have to mention that there are several people from like

[21:09] the new york comedy world

[21:10] in small roles in this

[21:12] movie uh... including

[21:15] one of them john daly

[21:16] uh... an improv actor in a completely straight

[21:19] joke-free role

[21:20] one wonders why he was cast

[21:23] you know it's like throwing him a bone because the women who wrote this movie

[21:27] uh... june

[21:29] rafael

[21:30] i don't know

[21:31] something, carter

[21:32] what was her name and casey wilson

[21:34] they do shows in new york and

[21:37] uh... june's

[21:39] i think fiance is paul shearer who's a comedian

[21:43] i want to say i hear good things about them

[21:45] i haven't seen the show but

[21:46] yeah i saw their show they're very funny yeah i don't want to start a

[21:49] comedy war

[21:51] no god no

[21:52] this podcast i would like to assume that this was a mishandled project

[21:57] i would assume

[21:58] well judgmental right dan i mean

[22:00] you said they're funny so

[22:02] they're probably a lot like the script they wrote

[22:04] for bride wars

[22:05] you're giving no quarter

[22:07] in this bride war

[22:09] no i'm just saying that the movie's a comedy right

[22:12] so yeah i mean they're probably they're works probably just as good as

[22:17] their script right

[22:18] see i'm trying to

[22:21] you know

[22:22] trying to create a detente here

[22:24] i don't i don't know you're you're tearing it they're they're they're in the

[22:28] movie too right they are so they must have been really proud of their script

[22:31] well you know what uh... casey wilson in a very small role so i can't judge her

[22:34] but the other one i thought actually was

[22:36] one of the funnier

[22:38] she was in the movie do you think that they had their fingers crossed for like

[22:42] a juno style like diablo cody

[22:45] i thought i think they had their fingers crossed for a

[22:48] fools gold style hit

[22:51] yeah i think that you know this is a tough before they had

[22:54] you know there's no choice he had

[22:56] saturday night live it so

[22:57] it was sort of like oh my god we sold the script

[23:01] and we're really making a movie

[23:04] that's what i thought would go through my mind when the muppets took manhattan

[23:07] and they put on a show exactly excited about

[23:10] being in the business

[23:11] somebody's getting married

[23:13] yeah they didn't realize that that somebody's getting married song isn't very good

[23:17] that's what i thought

[23:18] whenever i see that i'm like

[23:20] this is what it was like a combination

[23:22] this horrible like everyone

[23:25] all the muppets in this horrible like pink and white outfits in this pink and white set

[23:29] somebody's getting married

[23:31] anyway

[23:31] the muppets take manhattan

[23:33] my least favorite of the three original jim henson muppet movies

[23:38] it's good still but

[23:40] the muppet movie is where it's at

[23:41] anyway this isn't the muppet movie

[23:45] so yeah the uh... the fellas

[23:47] we're talking about their fiance's one of them

[23:49] turns out to be a snake

[23:50] a snake in the grass

[23:52] kinda like

[23:53] anne hathaway splits up with her fellow right yeah because he uh... he makes little

[23:57] comments about uh... wanting to control his wife and that kind of thing

[24:02] i'm thinking that

[24:04] uh... this character's probably been sleeping around

[24:06] that's the that's the underlying current that's why he's such a jerk yeah he seems like a

[24:10] real jerk

[24:11] wow you you were just writing a movie in your head

[24:15] that was not apparent at all

[24:16] i think that would add a little more tension if they'd have played up that part of it

[24:20] him sleeping around part with one of the other female characters i don't maybe

[24:24] candice bergen

[24:25] oh yeah we haven't mentioned candy yeah well here's what i really want to address with this movie

[24:30] what makes me angry

[24:31] first of all

[24:33] everything can be traced back to candice bergen and the mistake that was made

[24:37] so

[24:38] she accidentally books them both on the same date after assuring them that they

[24:42] have separate dates and everything's fine

[24:45] and then the date is

[24:46] given away

[24:47] uh... to the next person who comes in by the secretary

[24:50] and yet somehow despite the fact that they had the appointment before and was a

[24:54] total mistake

[24:55] candice bergen doesn't just go to the woman afterwards and say i'm sorry

[25:00] this is a mistake we can't give you that date

[25:02] you know like instead she's like oh you two friends have to fight it out

[25:07] with each other right

[25:09] my hands are tied

[25:10] it was my secretary's fault candice bergen just walks around creating plots

[25:15] that's her whole thing

[25:17] uh... she's like the inciting incident fairy

[25:19] yeah she's like the bad guy you cannot tell a lie like what candice bergen just

[25:25] dropped in and created a plot

[25:27] she's like uh... the bad guy from that steven king needful things book and movie

[25:32] but also they didn't even like come up with a clever reason why there was a mix

[25:36] up it was just like

[25:37] i'm sorry

[25:38] the secretary fucked it up

[25:40] yeah they didn't like have a bit where like

[25:42] a fly flew in and it got in somebody's eye and they accidentally swapped the thing and then

[25:46] something else happened and then like creating a death cross

[25:49] creating a death point in the date

[25:51] yeah like something like that

[25:54] oh sorry we scheduled you for the 1.5th of june

[25:57] you can't do it anymore

[25:59] like since that date doesn't actually exist we pushed you off to the bride war date

[26:06] they didn't even try anything like that and i would have appreciated that little bit of an effort

[26:10] you know

[26:10] when i watch a movie i want something that is airtight

[26:15] you know that's one hundred percent plausible i can't watch anything that has the least bit of fantasy in it

[26:21] and this movie uh... didn't even try to appeal to me

[26:24] it's almost as if the movie bride wars was not made for a viewer like me

[26:33] which i think is why the movie both succeeds and fails

[26:38] so i feel like we haven't

[26:40] used enough of the resource amanda

[26:43] of having you here to uh... represent your entire sex

[26:48] it's a lot of weight

[26:49] yeah it's like atlas

[26:51] it is

[26:52] it is uh...

[26:53] you better do your sisters proud

[26:56] i mean if murphy brown could let us down like this

[26:59] and the other thing about candice bergen

[27:01] she's like smugly narrating the whole thing and at the end she's like

[27:05] i guess the lesson we've learned is that

[27:07] you know friends can be just as important as spouses or whatever the fuck

[27:11] fuck you candice bergen

[27:13] you've created like three months of misery for these women

[27:16] and now you're hanging around the wedding like smiling like you're a fairy godmother

[27:21] but what if

[27:23] follow me on this one

[27:24] sorry sorry to jump in here amanda

[27:26] what if she had never fucked up in the first place

[27:30] you're saying that the Anne Hathaway would get married to chris pratt

[27:33] she would have gotten married to this dude who's a dick

[27:36] and kate hudson probably would never realize that she's kind of a bitch

[27:40] and that she looks stupid in that haircut and she'd go around with a wig all the time

[27:43] and anne hathaway would never have stood up to her

[27:46] drunk co-worker kristin stewart third rock from the sun's kristin stewart

[27:50] i think it's kristin johnson you're confusing her with french stewart

[27:53] her

[27:55] cohort from third rock from the sun

[27:57] that's that show where they play aliens right

[28:01] if kristin johnson and french stewart were combined think of like the comedy dynamo

[28:06] i actually think kristin johnson is very funny i do too i think kristin stewart

[28:10] would be even funnier

[28:14] i saw her in shakespeare in the park once

[28:17] she was very good

[28:18] i did too

[28:19] was the lady mcbeth

[28:20] no

[28:22] it was in twelfth night again

[28:23] they're already doing twelfth night again

[28:26] anyway

[28:27] well that sounds like what shakespeare would tell you about

[28:29] excuse me bride wars

[28:31] the thing about okay there are a lot of

[28:33] flaws as far as

[28:35] wedding plausibility

[28:36] i know you don't like to hear about that

[28:39] that's what they should have called it implausible

[28:42] hit me with it because

[28:43] despite being i feel

[28:45] a uh...

[28:46] fairly like

[28:47] nice modern gentleman

[28:49] i had

[28:50] very little to do with the planning

[28:52] of uh... our wedding

[28:54] not your and my wedding

[28:57] we are not

[28:58] first of all you don't

[28:59] you don't get married

[29:00] in three months like you don't just i mean you can but you can't do it at the

[29:04] plaza

[29:05] and probably not something important even if

[29:08] your parents are dead

[29:10] uh... if you get two girls here

[29:12] and uh... no family member ever enters the scene until the wedding day

[29:18] that is an alien world

[29:20] those are those are two you know really busy new york ladies right

[29:23] they're too busy to talk to their families about these

[29:27] weddings at the

[29:28] plaza that

[29:30] paying for themselves

[29:32] yeah they probably put money in a shoebox or something

[29:36] yeah well anna hathaway has been saving since uh... she was what sixteen

[29:40] yeah that's another thing like

[29:42] that's not wise

[29:44] you're gonna save all your money since you're sixteen and then spend it in one

[29:48] day

[29:49] yeah especially because she's the one who actually

[29:52] didn't get married

[29:55] but haven't you ever dated somebody that you'd be like

[29:58] man i would be willing

[30:00] to give up my entire life savings to not be with or see this person ever again.

[30:07] Well, the lesson that we learn here is that

[30:10] until you become

[30:12] a raging crazy bitch

[30:14] who does incredibly stupid and hurtful things to her best friend

[30:19] you don't know what kind of man you've got.

[30:22] You've got to put him through the test of you being completely irrational at every turn

[30:27] and then

[30:28] that's the guy that you're not going to marry.

[30:30] She was a lot more fun though

[30:34] when she was being mean. She was kind of boring before.

[30:36] That's true.

[30:37] She showed a lot of cleavage to her middle schoolers, but other than that...

[30:42] If I was a middle schooler,

[30:44] I'd probably have had a fantasy about her.

[30:47] You know, like a fantasy where

[30:49] you guys...

[30:50] Like we went on a date.

[30:52] We played video games together.

[30:54] Yeah, you know, what middle schoolers like to do.

[30:57] Second base.

[30:58] Okay. Wow.

[31:01] I bet I'd imagine that.

[31:05] You can still imagine it, Stuart, if you want to.

[31:08] Just not right now. Yeah, I mean, I'm a little older. I mean, I'd probably imagine

[31:12] what's... what do they call that? Like a home run?

[31:16] In the baseball parlance. Yeah, I'd probably imagine that.

[31:19] If I was imagining it now.

[31:22] Let's wrap this up and give our final judgments on...

[31:25] Okay, that's going to be tough.

[31:28] Amanda, there are three

[31:30] official flop house categories.

[31:32] Number one,

[31:33] this is a good bad movie.

[31:35] A bad movie that

[31:37] provides enjoyment from being

[31:39] funny in its badness.

[31:41] A bad, bad movie.

[31:42] A movie that provides no enjoyment.

[31:45] Or a movie that you actually kind of liked in some way.

[31:48] So, uh...

[31:49] I'm going to go to Stuart first, actually.

[31:51] Okay. What do you have to say?

[31:53] Well, I'm quietly reviewing the pros and cons of this movie in my head.

[31:58] I was kind of expecting a little more hijinks.

[32:02] And at least some swearing.

[32:05] That's what you look for in a movie.

[32:08] Hijinks, swearing, yep.

[32:10] Yeah, it just wasn't... there weren't any jokes. It wasn't fun.

[32:14] I would have at least... like, twenty-seven dresses had more jokes in it than this did.

[32:18] So, I'm probably... I'm going to have to say bad, bad movie. Like, I did not really enjoy this

[32:23] movie at all. Amanda, what do you have to say about it?

[32:25] I'd sort of like to introduce a new category.

[32:28] Oh, wow. I know, I know.

[32:31] This is a movie that you should really only watch on an airplane.

[32:35] It's kind of a bad, bad movie,

[32:37] but if you're on an airplane...

[32:40] If we could pass the time.

[32:43] Or, it would put you to sleep.

[32:45] Which is why I recommended

[32:48] The Golden Compass as an airplane movie, because it put me right to sleep.

[32:52] Oh, yeah. I guess that's it. I guess that's my judgment. It's a bad, bad movie

[32:56] you could watch

[32:59] while under an airline-issued blanket.

[33:02] Yeah, it's not too loud.

[33:04] There's not a lot of loud noises or shouting, really.

[33:07] It's true.

[33:08] And it mostly takes place in the plaza.

[33:10] Sure.

[33:12] It's like you're already at your hotel.

[33:14] It's kind of like a survival horror movie,

[33:16] in a way, because it takes place all in one area.

[33:20] Like the House of the Dead or something.

[33:22] Right, Dan? We watched that together. I don't see the analogy.

[33:27] No, it's cool. It makes sense to me.

[33:29] Okay, so I'm going to add, and I'm just going to say,

[33:32] it's a bad, bad movie. It was just dispiriting

[33:35] and unpleasant.

[33:36] You know, seeing two people hurt each other for an hour and a half.

[33:44] Where's your sense of fun, Dan?

[33:47] Not in interesting ways.

[33:49] I mean, war is in the title.

[33:52] Yeah, what were you expecting?

[33:54] I wasn't expecting, I don't know, like,

[33:56] Darfur Now.

[34:00] Comparable, by the way. Very comparable.

[34:03] You know, it's just like a bunch of misery, and then they tack on one minute of

[34:07] sentiment at the end, and you're supposed to forget everything that happened.

[34:10] With that other bride crawling on the floor going,

[34:13] shoot, me!

[34:16] It really was grim.

[34:19] I actually kind of got off on it, but that's me.

[34:22] She was pregnant, I think.

[34:23] So, moving on, what's the next part of this podcast?

[34:27] The next part is I'm going to read a little listener mail.

[34:30] Oh, some more hate mail?

[34:32] Quite the opposite, my friend.

[34:34] The subject heading here

[34:36] is Beverly Hills

[34:38] She Ha Ha.

[34:39] Okay, sure.

[34:41] I wonder, wait, which podcast do you think they watched?

[34:45] This is from Jeremiah, last name withheld.

[34:48] And it says,

[34:50] Today I went for a run in the park, and instead of listening to my usual mix of

[34:53] conspiracy and paranormal-themed podcasts,

[34:56] I decided to run with the Flophouse.

[34:59] And I must say, it was a very enjoyable, productive run.

[35:02] The belly laughs helped with my belly breaths.

[35:05] Not to mention, I ran for about ten minutes more than I usually do.

[35:10] I finished off the run by sitting near a shimmering pond teeming with ducks, as

[35:14] you recommend in movies, and delighted in viewer mail.

[35:17] If this email sounds a bit flowery, it's probably because I'm still coming down

[35:20] from the runner's high that the Flophouse helped induce.

[35:23] Perhaps you'd benefit from marketing this Flophouse as a fitness podcast.

[35:28] If you do so, please call out when the listener should be finishing his or her

[35:32] first, second, and third miles.

[35:34] What do you think? Do you think we can make a little extra money?

[35:37] That's a good idea. Or any money?

[35:39] Repurposing it?

[35:41] I don't think there's much of like a beat

[35:43] to the Flophouse to sort of

[35:45] keep pace to. Yeah, but we're not trying. I bet we're pretty smart.

[35:48] If you could, next time, watch Chariots of Fire.

[35:52] Yeah.

[35:53] Well, you just trade off so that like whenever someone's not talking,

[35:58] they could be humming the Chariots of Fire theme as a background to everyone who is talking.

[36:02] And just like round robin.

[36:04] I always kind of imagine that, like,

[36:06] when I was growing up, I watched Mr. Mom a lot.

[36:08] Mr. Mom a lot? No. I don't know what that movie is. It's a movie with Mr. Mom and Camelot.

[36:15] It's really weird.

[36:16] No, what I was going to say is, hey, chill out here, kid.

[36:19] What I was going to say is, I watched the movie Mr. Mom

[36:23] often.

[36:25] And there's the bit where there's like a sack race and they play the music from

[36:28] Chariots of Fire. So I always kind of like, I was always like,

[36:32] wow, why are they playing that music from Mr. Mom anytime people are like running around

[36:36] later on in life. I found out that it wasn't originally from Mr. Mom.

[36:40] So, Mr. Mom.

[36:42] Michael Keaton, to sum up Mr. Mom.

[36:44] Anyway, continuing, he says,

[36:47] also I enjoyed your discussion of movie remakes and encouraged me to check out

[36:50] the original Assault on Precinct 13 on that Netflix On Demand thing.

[36:54] What a great movie!

[36:57] It gave me a weird dream that I was in a house being attacked by gangs.

[37:01] Last night I had a dream that I was still in high school and my parents were moving to a new house.

[37:04] I don't know if that was related to the movie, but it was very powerful.

[37:08] This is an awesome letter.

[37:10] I don't know why I'm looking at you for reactions to it.

[37:13] Yeah, I don't know, it's pretty good.

[37:14] Lastly, he says,

[37:15] I just received my New York tour guide license. Did you know that back in the

[37:19] day there were actual flop houses in the Bowery?

[37:22] The flop house manager, maybe the equivalent of Dan,

[37:26] would draw a grid on the floor with chalk.

[37:28] Patrons would pay a nickel to have one of the squares for a night.

[37:31] Dan does do that.

[37:33] That's how I make money.

[37:35] From Stewart.

[37:36] I draw a square on the floor and I give you a nickel for it.

[37:41] Weirdly enough, prices have not gone up.

[37:45] You don't sleep on it, you just like seeing squares.

[37:48] Yeah, and you know what? I tried to haggle you down to only four cents, but you were having none of it.

[37:53] That's kind of why I respect you, Dan.

[37:57] Yeah, well I mean we don't like have half cents or anything, we're not like

[38:01] another country.

[38:02] So, viewer mail, that was great.

[38:06] Was it Stewart? It really recharged my batteries. How do people find the flop house?

[38:10] Oh God, the listeners would have to answer that.

[38:13] I have no idea.

[38:14] I mean some people... Occasionally Dan stops people in the street and talks to them about it.

[38:19] I force an iPod into their hand and it's a very expensive way of getting people to listen to it.

[38:25] Especially when you pick an incredibly fast New York City tour guide.

[38:30] That guy is off.

[38:32] Three miles in an hour, that's not bad.

[38:35] Plus time for ducks on a pond.

[38:37] What was his name, Jeremiah?

[38:39] Jeremiah, if you're listening, pick up the pace.

[38:41] Come on, you can do it.

[38:42] You can do four.

[38:44] Consider us your coach.

[38:46] Just imagine you're running from an intense bride shootout.

[38:50] Yeah, a bunch of brides chasing you.

[38:52] And if they all looked like fat Kate Hudson, I would be terrified.

[38:56] A monster face.

[38:58] To summarize.

[39:00] I can't help it, she just got so big.

[39:02] Anyway, let's go on to recommendations.

[39:05] This is the part where we prove that we're not miserable people who hate everything

[39:10] by recommending movies.

[39:12] Well, we don't hate all movies.

[39:14] You're saying that you do hate everything.

[39:16] I guess because I don't hate certain movies, that would mean

[39:21] qualified that I don't hate everything.

[39:24] But the point is,

[39:26] it can be something we've seen recently, it doesn't have to be.

[39:29] I'll go first.

[39:30] I recently saw a movie that Elliot recommended in the past.

[39:34] I'm not recommending this.

[39:35] It was Mishima, A Life in Four Chapters.

[39:38] But I would like to recommend the other good Paul Schrader directed movie.

[39:43] He's written a lot of good movies, but I think that he's only really directed

[39:47] two really great movies, I think.

[39:50] And one of them is Blue Collar with Yafit Koto.

[39:56] I don't even know how to say his last name.

[39:58] Harvey Keitel.

[40:00] Richard Pryor in probably his best role, which is odd because it's mainly a

[40:05] dramatic role, although he's still sort of funny in it. You know, it's a movie

[40:09] about Detroit auto workers who are, you know, union guys and it's sort of

[40:17] a depressing drama about how blue-collar workers are sort of crushed.

[40:26] I kind of like that movie with Michael Keaton. Yeah, it's exactly like gung-ho.

[40:31] Japanese Mr. Mom? Exactly! Think of blue-collar as a slightly funnier version of gung-ho.

[40:38] Slightly funnier? I don't know if I can... I should watch that then. Might hemorrhage from all the belly laughs.

[40:45] I'm giving Amanda a little time to think in case she doesn't have something because we sprung this on her a little bit.

[40:50] So Stuart, do you have anything? I gotta go now. Yeah, you're looking at me as if we haven't done this podcast for

[40:55] nearly two years now. Okay, so I gotta recommend something. I don't think I've ever recommended this before, but I'm going to recommend it and if I've already recommended it, you should watch it again.

[41:08] It's a movie called Head of the Family. I don't know how you would be able to find this movie because I don't believe it's on DVD, which I think stands for digital video disc.

[41:19] More versatile. Yeah, that. You might be able to find it on VHS. It's basically a movie about a small-town shyster and his kind of slutty girlfriend who try and pull a fast one on a local family that live kind of in exclusion.

[41:39] They're known for being quite wealthy. It's like you're telling it. It's like this is a library story time.

[41:46] Sure. They're a family of oddities. I believe they might have some kind of ties to mad science perhaps and the family consists of three brothers and a sister and each of them has their own special powers.

[42:04] You have one brother who can see and hear really well. You have one brother who's incredibly strong, but he's very stupid. You have a sister who's incredibly beautiful, but she's not very bright.

[42:17] Those two are kind of like each other. Yeah, well, they're similar. I mean, they are related for God's sakes.

[42:24] Then they're all held together by the head of the family who is this giant head with a tiny little body who is super smart because he's a giant head and he can control his brothers and his siblings telepathically.

[42:40] So this small town shyster tries to pull a fast one on them and of course gets burned in the process. I don't know if I should classify it as like a horror movie or a thriller. It's just very strange.

[42:53] Is it a thrill-omedy? Yeah, kind of. Part of why you should watch it is there is a fair amount of nudity. Jacqueline Lavelle from the Femalien series is in it and she's just very good at acting even when completely naked and tied to a stake that's on fire.

[43:09] I think that's the special skills on her headshot. Yeah, I can't say that about a lot of actresses. No, you can't say that about Kate Hudson. No, or Kate Winslet.

[43:18] If Kate Hudson is near a stake, she's going to put that fire out. Eat it. So, head of the family, better than Kate Hudson and Kate Winslet put together.

[43:32] Amanda, what do you have to recommend, if anything? What do you mean, if anything? What am I, a cavewoman? I just don't want to pressure you. Well, you know, anytime you ask me for a movie recommendation.

[43:46] A man doesn't like to pressure women. I went to school with him, I know. Very sweet that way. Soapdish. I always recommend the movie Soapdish. If you haven't seen it, you should.

[43:56] Why are you recommending Soapdish to us? I'm imagining you recommending it to someone who's like, I'm in the mood for a real tearjerker. Soapdish. I'm in the mood for an erotic thriller. Again.

[44:09] But I also, I saw, this isn't a new movie, I guess, but I saw it recently. A French thriller called Tell No One. That's a really good movie. And I don't want to tell you anything about it, because I don't want to spoil anything. Unlike Head of the Family. Spoilers much?

[44:28] And you want to, you know, honor the imperative statement of the title. Yeah, tell no one. If it matters, that's the most I've ever described a movie I've ever recommended. Dan and Elliot are like, well, Elliot is very, he tells the whole story. He talks for 15 minutes. Yeah, I usually go to the bathroom while he starts recommending something. Or I fix myself a sandwich. So I appreciate your lack of spoilers.

[44:55] Thanks. The only thing, Kristen Scott Thomas of The English Patient is in this movie. And it's just, you know, like, oh, yeah, she turned French. I forgot about that. Like, I guess she started out in French movies. And then I thought at first, the way you were going about it was like, you were just sort of warning. And you're like, the only thing, Kristen Scott Thomas from The English Patient is in this movie. So no, it's, you know, she's perfectly good. And, you know, she is acting in French.

[45:25] So I could lose some nuances there. But she seems fine. I couldn't act in French. Could you, Stuart? I could, actually. No, I mean, I have. We'll talk about that later. The production of Tartuffe you're in. Does mime count? Sure. All right. Um, I think this has been a delight. Yeah, guys. Well, I mean, Bride Wars wasn't a delight. No, that part of it wasn't. Yeah, don't watch that.

[45:53] The fact that we all were brought together in a marriage of comedy podcast. And there was no wars. Well, that's true. Yeah, they smile on the box for Bride Wars. And I think that's that's false because they don't smile a lot in this movie.

[46:11] You're saying that there wouldn't be a guaranteed entertainment sticker on the box for this, like there was for the film Don't Tell Her It's Me starring Steve Guttenberg? There's no guaranteed entertainment. They couldn't make that claim. Perhaps we should sign off. Yeah, I think it's probably. Thanks for having me on your podcast. Thanks for coming. Thanks for being here. Hey, no problem. Thanks for moving two blocks away. Hey, that works out great for me. I can stop by and borrow a cup of sugar. No, not for me. I wouldn't let him. That's true.

[46:39] I can stop by and borrow a cup of Splendor. That's right. That's right. And the moral of the story is I'm Dan McCoy. I've been Stuart Wellington. And I'm still Amanda Melson. Good night. Yay. I made the exact same joke that Elliot always does. Really?

[46:56] What do you want me to sit back? Well, the thing is, like, you hug the mic in the beginning and then you sit back and then we can't hear you during the... I'm not a robot, man. Should I put my hands on my knees so I don't break anything? There was a lot of thumping. And I don't know if you heard the last part. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Because I was like, man, that one was great. And then I listened to it and I'm like, whoa, I was just really drunk. Anyway.

The Flop House: Episode #39 - Bride Wars

Transcript

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