The Flop House: Episode #40 - Friday the 13th

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss America's favorite holiday,

[0:04] at least based on number of movies made about it, the remake of Friday the 13th.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, the show where we watch a bad movie, or a questionable

[0:42] movie, and talk about it. Stuart, stop looking at me like I'm an ass. My name's Dan McCoy.

[0:49] I'm Stuart Wellington. My name is Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] So guys, it's been a while since we've seen Elliot, at least.

[0:57] Yeah, what are we doing, dude?

[0:59] I can only assume you were recovering from that dueling pistol injury to the head that I saw you

[1:04] incur on the Daily Show. That was part of it. I did shoot myself in the head on the Daily Show

[1:08] as an early 19th century French footman. I'm amazed they kept that in the show. It seems like

[1:13] that sort of super violent accident might be the sort of thing to cut out. That's the kind of

[1:18] spontaneity that comedy feeds off of. What was it like working with horse?

[1:23] With a horse, you mean? Yeah.

[1:26] Or you mean like a caveman, just the idea of horse?

[1:28] No, like a horse. The horse in the Daily Show.

[1:32] It was worrying. Technically it was a pony. It was worrying because I had to lie down as a dead

[1:36] body right behind where the horse would be shitting if it needed to take a poop or got scared.

[1:42] Was that your first concern, that it would shit on you?

[1:44] Yes. And then my second concern was that it would stomp on my windpipe and kill me.

[1:48] And his third concern was that it would shit on him.

[1:50] My third concern was that they would cut it from the show. I need my screen time. Hello,

[1:53] Hollywood. Here I come. I think that's how my great-great-grandfather died, actually.

[1:59] He was cut from a scene where he was... Really?

[2:02] I was going to say that's how Cary Grant got started. He had a scene where he shot himself

[2:08] in the head with a dueling pistol and fell behind a horse.

[2:10] And got shot on. It was called Police Academy.

[2:14] Starring Mae West. What a good movie.

[2:18] Speaking of good movies, we watched a little... Wait, hold on.

[2:21] We watched a little recently released remake. This was a remake, guys. I don't know if you

[2:26] noticed that. Reimagining.

[2:27] Yeah, I think that's reworking. It was a reimagined work in the making.

[2:30] Yep. It was Bay-ified, right?

[2:34] What? Bay-ified.

[2:34] Oh, yeah, it was Bayed Up. It was definitely Bayed Up.

[2:36] Yeah, because it was Michael Bay's production.

[2:39] I thought this had something to do with Beowulf in your head.

[2:41] No.

[2:43] It was 30% more Beowulf.

[2:45] Well, the villain is basically Grendel, right?

[2:47] Yeah, that's true.

[2:48] Done. There you go. It's a reimagining of Grendel.

[2:52] Well, Beowulf.

[2:53] Well, we'll talk about reimaginings later.

[2:55] First, the name of the film.

[2:57] This movie's called Friday the 13th.

[2:59] That sounds unlucky.

[3:00] Based on the day of the same name.

[3:04] Based on the film that's based on the day of the same name.

[3:06] Yeah, well, the day was a little thin, so they had to flesh it out to turn it into a movie.

[3:14] It's a sequel to Friday starring... Is it Ice Cube?

[3:17] I thought it was the sequel to Next Friday.

[3:20] Or is it Ice-T? I always forget which it is.

[3:23] Ice-T's the one in... What's that show? Something about criminal intent.

[3:29] Oh, then Ice Cube is the one that's in Friday.

[3:32] Ice Cube. Boys in the Hood's Ice Cube is in Friday.

[3:35] And not in Friday the 13th, which is what we actually watched.

[3:38] That's right. Starring Jason.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:40] Everyone's favorite guy, Jason Voorhees.

[3:43] Yeah, and this whole movie kind of put the whole Jason character,

[3:48] kind of turned it on its ear, right?

[3:50] Not at all.

[3:52] Well...

[3:53] How so, Stuart?

[3:54] Well...

[3:54] In what way was it different than the other Jasons?

[3:56] I mean, you guys know me. I'm a big Jason nut. I'm a big Friday the 13th freak.

[4:03] You did dress up as Jason for Halloween and St. Patrick's Day and the 4th of July.

[4:07] I also own... I think I own all of them except for Jason Goes to Hell on DVD.

[4:13] Really?

[4:14] Yeah, I think so.

[4:15] Why Jason X?

[4:16] I think I might, yeah. I'd have to check my vault.

[4:20] Your vault of four?

[4:21] Yeah, yes. I have Marcy X on DVD.

[4:26] Blu-ray.

[4:27] Well, it's the Criterion collection.

[4:29] Oh, wow. With four hours of extra.

[4:31] No, the big thing... Well, I mean, the thing is that

[4:35] Jason's a little different in this one than he is in the other ones.

[4:37] How so?

[4:38] I mean, he teleports around and you never know where he's at.

[4:40] No, no, that's exactly like the other one.

[4:42] No, but what I was going to say is that he's a lot faster in this one.

[4:44] Yeah, well, it's just like zombies in movies now. They've fastened them up.

[4:48] Yeah, they made them faster.

[4:50] And more furious.

[4:51] And later on, we're going to determine whether this new Fast and Furious Jason

[4:55] is better than the original.

[4:56] Oh, wow. You're teasing the segment.

[4:58] That's pretty impressive.

[4:59] But let's get started with a little bit of plot.

[5:03] Stuart has a whole outline for this episode.

[5:05] He's so much more organized for this episode than he has been in the past.

[5:08] Let's start with a little bit of plot.

[5:10] Elliot, what happened in this movie?

[5:11] Should I give things away? Should I just go through all of them?

[5:13] I don't care.

[5:14] Okay, we open literally with Mrs. Voorhees about to kill the last of the

[5:20] shitty counselors of Camp Crystal Lake.

[5:22] But wait a minute. That happened at the end of the original first one, Elliot.

[5:25] I know. I was thrown off, too.

[5:27] So you're saying...

[5:28] Okay, so this... Wait, so what happens then?

[5:31] Does she get killed with a shovel like in the original?

[5:33] She does. The last remaining girl as... What is it? Who wrote Girls in Chainsaws?

[5:41] Clover? Carol Clover? Is that her name?

[5:42] I think that was James Joyce.

[5:44] I think it's Clover who calls them the last girl.

[5:47] The last girl cuts off Mother Voorhees's head with a shovel and walks away.

[5:53] Yeah, this is basically like a public service for people who

[5:56] want to see the original Friday the 13th but don't have a lot of time.

[5:59] Or they can see it in two or three minutes.

[6:01] Or they're uncomfortable watching Kevin Bacon in movies.

[6:05] It's a lot of movies they can't watch.

[6:07] And then you hear her disembodied voice from beyond the grave telling Jason to kill them all.

[6:13] Yeah, like a ghost.

[6:14] Cut to present day...

[6:15] Smash cut!

[6:16] Smash cut, present day, a bunch of assholes drive into the woods looking for some legendary weed

[6:22] that is apparently growing in the woods.

[6:24] Normally...

[6:24] The legend of Curly's Weed, I think.

[6:26] Legend of Curly's Weed, exactly.

[6:27] Normally this kind of setup, you know, I'm on board.

[6:31] You like parties.

[6:32] I like kids that like to party are assholes to each other and clearly aren't friends.

[6:36] A group of kids...

[6:36] That are also searching for weed and or booze.

[6:39] A group of kids who don't like being around each other.

[6:42] One of the two girls and three boys?

[6:44] Three guys, yeah.

[6:45] Three guys.

[6:46] Long story short, almost all of them die.

[6:50] Some breasts are exposed.

[6:51] Some very fake, very disgusting looking breasts are exposed.

[6:56] Well, come on.

[6:58] They were kind of gross.

[6:59] They were horrifying.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] They look better in the sex scene in the film.

[7:05] Well, in this...

[7:05] There's more than one.

[7:06] But this sex scene, yeah, which too, it's better.

[7:08] They look kind of like how, you know, like frogs or fish...

[7:12] Fake eyes to scare off people.

[7:14] It's like they're fake nipples, but they're actually on her.

[7:17] I was going to say like when a bullfrog extends its throat and it's all veiny and bulbous and...

[7:21] Right.

[7:21] So her breasts are like frogs in two ways.

[7:23] The first time we see these frog boobs...

[7:27] That was a Native American metaphor.

[7:29] We used almost all the parts of the frog to describe her breasts.

[7:34] Oh, so the first time we see these frog boobs, it's when she's doing a little strip tease

[7:38] where two male characters are talking.

[7:40] The nerd has his back to the girl and...

[7:43] Not even his back to her.

[7:44] He's kind of turned away from her a little bit.

[7:46] And the guy he's talking to is clearly just pointing at this girl's boobs, making lewd gestures.

[7:52] I think he's even like...

[7:53] He's like humping the air and like...

[7:55] Well, and he's making the gestures theoretically to the girl, like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[8:00] But which works most of the time.

[8:02] Show me your frog boobs.

[8:04] But the guy who was...

[8:05] Just all you dudes out there, that usually works.

[8:07] Yeah.

[8:08] The gestures and the humping the air.

[8:09] Yep.

[8:10] But you're right, sir.

[8:10] The guy who's facing him, pointing at him, does not notice.

[8:13] It's a welling tip.

[8:14] That does not turn around, does not say, what are you pointing at over my shoulder?

[8:18] He's just too busy telling them the story of the legend of Camp Crystal Lake.

[8:22] And that's the thing.

[8:25] He's just really a good storyteller.

[8:29] The Norse would have referred to him as a skald.

[8:31] Yeah, he's like Homer.

[8:32] I guess the moral of this movie, though, is if someone's pointing at something,

[8:35] you should look at it because it might be breasts.

[8:37] It's either boobs or something that's going to kill you.

[8:39] Yeah, yep.

[8:40] Okay, so the two of them go off to have sex.

[8:43] Another two, I don't remember where they go or why.

[8:45] They go to find the scary cabin that'll inform the rest of the movie.

[8:49] They go to find a scary cabin and the nerd goes and finds the magic weed.

[8:53] Yep.

[8:53] He gets killed by Jason.

[8:55] Yep.

[8:56] Then Jason kills the rest of them.

[8:59] Yep.

[8:59] And I do have to hand it to the movie, they do have...

[9:02] Jason does set up a whole bunch of weird kill traps.

[9:05] Yeah.

[9:06] Where first he grabs a girl, puts her back into a sleeping bag,

[9:09] ties her up over a flame and roasts her to death.

[9:12] Yeah, that's really...

[9:13] And uses her to...

[9:15] Uses her as bait to get her boyfriend,

[9:17] who was just having sex with her, to run towards her.

[9:19] Bear trap.

[9:20] Probably still has a boner at that point.

[9:22] I have to assume it, yeah.

[9:24] I mean, that's why he's running, right?

[9:25] Because he's like, no, I can't wait to finish this.

[9:27] In addition to stripping his leg in that bear trap,

[9:30] he's fallen on his boner is what you're saying.

[9:32] Which is even more painful.

[9:33] Very painful.

[9:34] And his keys.

[9:35] Oh, my God.

[9:36] Jason's being such a jerk to this guy.

[9:38] Yeah, you gotta leave your keys away from boners when you're running around the woods.

[9:41] But the bear trap team is pretty grisly.

[9:44] Yeah.

[9:44] So this, and this group of team gets killed,

[9:46] and then suddenly the title comes up.

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:48] Friday the 13th.

[9:49] This is like 15, 20 minutes into the movie, right?

[9:51] Yeah, we've had two prologues before the actual movie.

[9:53] Yeah, I was expecting credits to hit as soon as that hit,

[9:57] and then like a cool guitar riff.

[9:59] I thought it was gonna be an...

[10:00] hour of camping safety tips what did jason do wrong in this scenario let's

[10:05] take a look now

[10:06] talent and jason

[10:08] so talent sets the table without being asked to jason avenges his mother's

[10:13] death on teenagers who wandered into the woods

[10:16] and it's a rick

[10:17] rick latrine for the group

[10:19] and the greatest murder someone this little like opening bit is uh... you

[10:23] know the

[10:24] and all the things that they set up in this opening bit everything from

[10:28] uh... guys making lewd gestures that people should be able to see but clearly

[10:32] have not seen

[10:33] uh... to

[10:35] teenagers natural inclination to go investigate creepy old uh... rundown

[10:39] listening to your teenager you want to do one of three things

[10:43] get high

[10:44] have sex or investigate a creepy rundown cabin or take a poop in somebody's sink

[10:48] we don't see anyone doing that though

[10:51] i know they left one of those out it's ok you don't have to hit all the bases

[10:55] so anyway you're hanging out with different teenagers they find there's a locket

[10:59] in this creepy cabin and there's a picture in it that looks vaguely like

[11:03] one of the girls who is with that group of campers that's convenient

[11:07] very convenient ok almost

[11:10] suspiciously so yeah it looks like a girl played by tv's amanda rogetti

[11:15] of uh... the o.c.

[11:17] and the mentalist she plays the uh... female cop who's not robin tunney

[11:22] or tuney i don't know how that's pronounced this was her big breakout role to start starring in things that don't have the in front of the camera

[11:28] so ok

[11:29] then we're in present present day

[11:32] i really like that bit uh... when they're in the cabin and jason's trying to kill him and he

[11:36] sneaks under the floorboards and he just starts stabbing his machete up like uh...

[11:40] like a weird game of battleship or like a whack-a-mole but the mole can kill you yeah and he keeps

[11:45] missing and then all of a sudden he starts hitting and you're like oh he's just gonna keep hitting until your battleship's gone

[11:50] and then the dude gets uh...

[11:51] pulled down the floor under the floorboards and barfs up a bunch of blood

[11:55] uh...

[11:56] it's not really the most efficient way to kill someone though

[11:59] if you don't actually hit them

[12:01] you know you're kind of your machete's kind of stuck up in the floorboards and they can run off

[12:05] but jason's super strong so he can pull it out

[12:06] yeah he can also teleport

[12:08] yeah he's magic and shit i think to keep it to keep it

[12:11] quick after that present present day

[12:13] a bunch of assholes who also seem to not like being around each other but are

[12:17] friends for some reason are going out to one of the guy's dad's cabins because he's

[12:20] rich

[12:21] they run into at the local store packing picking up supplies they run into a guy

[12:26] who is trying to post up flyers his sister is missing yeah it's that girl from that first group of

[12:32] teens and the leader of the friends is a total asshole to everybody yeah and a dick

[12:38] and the brother looking for the missing girl again played by a tv star

[12:42] jared padalecki of gilmore girls and uh... supernatural if this was the forties he would have to have changed that name like

[12:47] patterson

[12:49] james patterson would be his name yeah james patterson

[12:52] so yeah his name would be brent ripchest

[12:55] so uh... this guy's trying to put up posters like why is he trying to rain on everybody's parade

[13:00] it sounds like he's being a real prick no he's being you know he's not doing it in the most

[13:04] friendly way but

[13:05] he's looking for his sister

[13:08] so wouldn't you do the same for your missing sister

[13:11] but i thought the like the chance peterson guy the leader of the uh... the

[13:15] leader of the cool kids was being a real dick to him he was for no reason

[13:19] but he's he's really cool and rich and stuff shouldn't he no that's not how it works stewart

[13:24] you're learning a hard lesson

[13:26] see in the movies but he's handsome

[13:29] marginally

[13:30] in the movies as sometimes occurs

[13:33] you know to be fair in real life

[13:35] uh... people take an instant dislike

[13:37] uh... towards each other especially when there's a challenge there yeah especially when the

[13:41] screenwriter needs to have some sort of conflict

[13:44] so that the characters will split up for at some point later and there are way too many

[13:48] dudes and not enough chicks there are

[13:51] three or four guys

[13:54] uh... five i think five guys there's a lot of more guys than girls i think five to three

[13:58] but anyway

[13:59] long story short

[14:00] a lot of drinking at the cabin one of the girls leaves and joins the brother

[14:04] who's searching for his sister

[14:06] they find lots of stuff jason starts killing people there's another sex scene

[14:10] the rich guy asshole tells the girl he's having sex with that she has

[14:13] perfect nipple placement

[14:14] uh... and then jason kills some more people

[14:18] and then there's topless water skiing

[14:20] oh yeah

[14:20] jason kills i forgot about them there's another guy and a girl

[14:23] and the girl goes topless water skiing

[14:25] which is interrupted unfortunately when

[14:28] jason shoots an arrow through the head of the guy driving the speedboat

[14:32] perfect shot perfect shot right through his head an olympian that's jason

[14:36] guy driving the speedboat one of the assholes from veronica mars

[14:40] all your tv stars the arrow goes through his brain but he has enough life left to turn around

[14:46] then

[14:46] the boat

[14:47] hits the girl in the head and then uh...

[14:50] in probably what the best death in the whole movie

[14:52] she's hiding underneath a pier

[14:55] uh... jason is standing above in a lot of creaking wood and water

[14:59] and

[15:00] he

[15:01] uh... like just

[15:02] thrusts his machete right down through the dock into her head

[15:06] lifts her up and hits her head on the dock

[15:09] last shot of boobs as her boobs come above the water and then

[15:12] pulls out the machete and she falls into the water and it's all very deadpan and sudden

[15:15] and comical

[15:17] yeah

[15:18] it's the closest thing to uh...

[15:20] wit that the movie has to offer

[15:23] but uh... and there's a lot of

[15:25] product placement he doesn't even need to look at her when he kills her

[15:27] she's garbage to him

[15:29] there's a lot of product placement they drive an escalator around they listen to

[15:32] the

[15:33] the main song of the hives most recent album some guy likes green day i think

[15:37] they said they mentioned green day they talk about how great patch blue ribbon

[15:41] is earlier in the film jason uses a compound bow

[15:44] but that's not a brand

[15:47] i mean it's a kind of bow there's a wood chipper in the film oh and i didn't even mention the weird

[15:51] masturbator they run into the compound bow lobby would probably there's a guy

[15:54] they run into who there's a guy who runs into who owns a barn with a wood

[15:58] chipper in it which comes up later

[16:00] and

[16:01] he is really

[16:02] boastful and uh... there's a weird streak of characters masturbating in

[16:07] this

[16:07] that character

[16:08] looks at a hustler an issue of hustler and then starts coming on to a mannequin

[16:12] and then jason kills him he also licks the issue and then says you like that

[16:17] to the magazine he did start smoking weed though and that's usually what i do when i smoke weed

[16:20] it's just like the scene in uh... he was an extravagant the guy hallucinates from weed

[16:25] sure but uh... and then later

[16:27] uh...

[16:28] one of the character the character who doesn't have a girl to match up with and

[16:30] isn't dead yet in the cabin

[16:32] he gets high and then is like well guess I'll masturbate to something pulls out a

[16:37] box of tissues then picks up like a j crew catalog or like a lands end catalog

[16:42] and flips to an image of

[16:43] i guess a woman in her mid to late thirties wearing a sweater and slacks and goes

[16:48] alright well this is it i found this very interesting because apparently like

[16:52] one has to believe that he uh... masturbates every night at ten thirty

[16:57] exactly because it wasn't like

[16:59] there was something that turned him on and he's like well there's no one around

[17:02] i guess that what i'm gonna do it like he's like

[17:05] uh... well uh... she's got a masturbate what do we got here uh... j crew

[17:10] yep well

[17:10] i gotta take my insulin and masturbate that's what he's saying

[17:13] the thing that's concerning for me about this character is that you would think

[17:16] you have more stuff stored up in the in the spank bank

[17:20] he can't just fantasize about something he was also just watching a girl

[17:25] writhe around to music in a very short by herself shorts and and uh...

[17:30] some kind of

[17:31] tight top yeah like i would think you'd be able to think back like

[17:34] i remember that night when i was watching uh... big sausage pizza clips

[17:38] for four hours uh... god and then you know we should really get some money from that website

[17:43] then one two three he just knocked one out

[17:45] he was just watching brazzers previews for all night

[17:48] yeah he knocks a quick one out and then his friends show up and he helps him kill jason

[17:53] now he runs around with a boner

[17:54] it's a trenchant message on the lack of imagination in today's youth

[17:58] i agree

[17:59] and the sexiness of l.l. bean cow

[18:01] they've been desensitized by the media and the images they're bombarded with

[18:06] well apparently not if he can get it up for a picture of a woman in a sweater

[18:10] well it's that he's so bored with everything else he's seen that he's like

[18:14] he's seen too much he's like finally a woman that's fully clothed this turns me on

[18:18] you know what turns me on about this

[18:20] the class

[18:22] this woman's sheer tastefulness is what is arousing me right now it's a it's a real change

[18:27] from what i've been seeing

[18:28] she seems like a woman i could get to know

[18:30] so somewhere around there jason shows up uh... there's a sex scene uh...

[18:34] it's actually like that girl's pretty attractive

[18:37] yeah she was a very pretty girl

[18:39] and then there's a bunch of killing uh... a cop shows up and gets killed

[18:42] a police officer sorry

[18:43] uh... to the police out there yeah all you police out there

[18:47] there is one kind of witty moment there's a guy

[18:50] who one of the friends goes out to a woodshed because he has to fix a chair

[18:54] uh... and he has two great lines the first is when he leaves and he goes don't

[18:57] worry i'm a wood wizard

[18:59] and he goes they don't call me the wood wizard because i masturbate a lot

[19:02] and it's like why would

[19:03] why would they call you the wood wizard at all but he's he's in the tool shed and he

[19:07] finds a hockey stick

[19:08] and jason comes up behind him

[19:10] wearing of course his trademark hockey mask which he picked up earlier in the

[19:13] movie

[19:14] and he looks at it like the high school goes

[19:16] is this yours

[19:17] and it's like oh yeah because he's wearing a hockey mask that's i'd like to

[19:20] imagine that the guys sitting around writing the screenplay were sitting

[19:24] around a little like little writer's room

[19:26] and one guy came up with the whole wood wizard line and somebody like his

[19:30] writing partners were like oh that's great let's let's write that one down

[19:33] there were a couple lines like that with that same character when he finds the

[19:36] hockey stick

[19:37] he like is holding it between his legs

[19:39] and he says

[19:40] uh... it even bends to the left just like my penis

[19:44] do you think the guy that came up with those lines got an extra fifteen minutes for lunch

[19:48] i feel like he wrote

[19:50] it even bends to the left and they were like no one's gonna get that

[19:52] that's too obscure put in like my penis well there are a lot of scenes where like

[19:57] lonely male characters will be

[20:00] would be talking to themselves.

[20:02] There's a lot of oddly sexual things.

[20:04] There's a lot of scenes where it felt like the director was saying to the actors,

[20:07] just keep going, just keep going, make it up.

[20:10] Improvise.

[20:11] And all they could come up with was blue material.

[20:15] Yeah.

[20:16] No, I like to think that was all scripted.

[20:18] It's like The Office.

[20:20] The lighting is just so good.

[20:22] Yeah, you're like, this has got to be improv.

[20:24] This has got to be curb.

[20:27] So anyway, to finish up our sloppy synopsis,

[20:32] Jared Padalecki rescues his sister.

[20:36] The girl who you think will be the last girl gets killed.

[20:40] Wait a minute.

[20:41] We didn't even address that she was all captive in his basement.

[20:44] She was chained up in a basement where he seemed to forget that she was there for long periods of time.

[20:47] But that was a girl from the first batch of kids who was getting killed.

[20:50] You think she dies, but no, she's chained up in the basement.

[20:52] Yeah.

[20:54] This one girl who went off with the brother and the brother free her.

[20:58] They're running through the elaborate network of Viet Cong tunnels beneath Jason's cabin.

[21:03] The girl from this group who you think is going to be the last girl, she gets killed.

[21:09] Danielle Pennebaker of TV Shark, all your TV stars.

[21:13] Oh, D.A. Pennebaker.

[21:15] Yeah, the famous documentary filmmaker.

[21:20] The brother gets beat up a little bit.

[21:23] Then they're running away.

[21:24] But then they – should we just give away the end of the movie?

[21:27] It's a fucking Friday the 13th movie.

[21:29] What is there to give away?

[21:30] They fight Jason.

[21:31] Jason gets strangled by a chain stuck in a wood chipper.

[21:35] We'll talk about that more later.

[21:37] Tease again.

[21:38] And don't forget, we've got to compare old and new Jasons.

[21:41] Yeah, yeah.

[21:42] Oh, don't worry.

[21:43] Then they run over to –

[21:44] The nightmare is finally over, right?

[21:46] The nightmare is finally over.

[21:47] They take Jason's body, throw it in the water, throw his hockey mask in the water,

[21:50] throw the pendant in the water.

[21:53] Uh-oh.

[21:54] Jason comes up, kills them both.

[21:56] Or you assume.

[21:58] You assume.

[21:59] It is possible that they defeat him again and throw him in.

[22:02] But the thing that was missing for me was when they kill him at the end –

[22:06] They do a spinning pile drive or do – onto that dock.

[22:09] Well, you're saying she might just come up and kick his head off.

[22:12] But no one says –

[22:14] Like a drop kick of some kind.

[22:15] No one says, hey, asshole, to get his attention and then do something.

[22:18] Yeah, there's no hey, asshole, but the heroine, the lead female, does get to say –

[22:23] Say hi to mommy.

[22:25] Yeah, like say hi to mommy in hell and like, hey, fuck you, karate kick, like all these things.

[22:31] Karate kick?

[22:32] She doesn't say karate kick.

[22:33] She kicks him like karate kick would have kicked him.

[22:35] I wish people – you said the things they didn't.

[22:37] Karate kick.

[22:38] Stab with machete.

[22:40] Stab.

[22:42] Gunshot, gunshot, gunshot.

[22:45] Well, that's how we did it in my really low-budget radio play that I did.

[22:50] Well, you really need a low budget for it to be a low-budget radio play.

[22:58] We couldn't afford a sound effect CD.

[23:01] You did the Friday the 13th music like this.

[23:06] Okay, so long story short –

[23:07] This is my radio play version of Friday the 13th.

[23:09] So we've got a long story short.

[23:11] Oh, no, Jason.

[23:13] We get her to walk over there.

[23:17] Oh, no.

[23:18] He's chopping me.

[23:19] He's chopping me to bits.

[23:20] He lit a fire under me.

[23:21] Crackle, crackle, crackle, cellophane.

[23:23] Crackle, crackle, crackle.

[23:24] And he's wearing chain mail.

[23:25] Russell, Russell, Russell, Russell.

[23:27] Now I die.

[23:29] The end.

[23:31] So basically Jason shows up, one final scare, and then cut to black guitar sound effects.

[23:39] Jason will return in from Russia with blood.

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:43] Okay, so we're talking about –

[23:47] Blood finger.

[23:48] So we're looking –

[23:50] The blood is not enough.

[23:51] We're looking at a Friday the 13th movie.

[23:54] So first of all –

[23:56] The Friday the 13th movie.

[23:57] Yeah, and you have to really kind of – you have to look at it on a couple different levels.

[24:00] First of all, how were the kills?

[24:02] There were some okay ones.

[24:04] How was the nudity?

[24:05] There were some okay ones.

[24:06] And then how was – overall, how was Jason and his death?

[24:09] Mm-hmm.

[24:10] Okay, so first of all, the kills.

[24:11] Were the kills inventive in your opinion, Elliot?

[24:13] There were a few okay – like the bear trap was pretty good and gory.

[24:17] Like it really scraped his leg up.

[24:19] That was pretty gross, yeah.

[24:20] But most of the kills were kind of lame.

[24:22] I thought the kind of stupid, like baked in the sleeping bag was kind of cool.

[24:28] That's a neat idea, but –

[24:29] It would have been cooler if it baked her so much that instead of her, like, smoking body falling out,

[24:34] like just a bunch of, like, liquid and, like, bones fell out.

[24:38] It would have to be incredibly hot to liquefy her instead of a nuclear blast.

[24:43] That totally would have been really – I would have preferred that because it's grosser and funnier.

[24:47] But most – a lot – like the first kill you don't even see on camera.

[24:50] Yeah, that's lame.

[24:52] And a lot of it's just stabbing people through – stabbing things through people.

[24:55] There's – when he kills the guy in the tool shed, that's pretty good.

[24:58] He, like, shoves this –

[24:59] That was pretty good.

[25:00] – ice pick type thing into his neck and there's blood everywhere, but it's not –

[25:04] It was like something out of an Argento movie.

[25:06] Yeah, but it was just not completely –

[25:08] But it made sense.

[25:09] Yeah, there was an Argento movie.

[25:11] There was nothing to match the inventiveness of, say, Drag Me to Hell,

[25:17] where when that eye shows up in the piece of cake and she stabs it and just fucking ooze comes out of it.

[25:22] That was pretty awesome.

[25:23] Or there's an anvil for some reason and a shed suspended from the ceiling that falls on someone.

[25:28] Any horror movie with a tool shed has to match up to Evil Dead 2, I feel like.

[25:32] Yeah.

[25:33] The best horror movie with a tool shed in it, in my opinion.

[25:35] Well, yeah, and I mean –

[25:36] It doesn't.

[25:37] But then you're also looking at – you're comparing it to some of the past Friday the 13th movies.

[25:41] Yes.

[25:42] So there's – I don't think –

[25:43] A mixed bag.

[25:44] There's nothing like – there's nothing quite as inventive as Friday the 13th Part 7,

[25:48] where he pulls the girl out of the tent, puts her back in her sleeping bag,

[25:53] and then bashes her against a tree and it leaves a smiley face imprint.

[25:59] That might be six.

[26:00] I don't remember.

[26:01] The scene with the speedboat, the speedboat kill was pretty good.

[26:03] If only for the sheer ludicrousness of it.

[26:05] Well, the impressiveness of that bow shot.

[26:07] I mean, once again, an Olympian.

[26:09] And his vision is obscured.

[26:11] He's running a hockey match.

[26:12] Tina Davis over here.

[26:13] His vision is obscured.

[26:15] He shoots an arrow, calculates the trajectory perfectly to hit a guy through the head.

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:21] I mean –

[26:22] With enough force to drive it equally through his head.

[26:24] Completely through his head.

[26:25] He has the strength of an English longbowman from the Hundred Years' War.

[26:29] Yes.

[26:30] He should have been at Agincourt.

[26:31] Yeah, absolutely.

[26:33] But then – and the dock kill with that girl was –

[26:36] Well, because it did feature boobs.

[26:38] And it was probably one of the few good shots of boobs for that girl.

[26:42] Oh, yeah.

[26:43] Because the topless water skiing was surprisingly –

[26:46] Although I have to believe that this film was sold on the basis of topless water skiing.

[26:51] You're like, oh, wait.

[26:52] We want to remake Friday the 13th.

[26:55] I don't know.

[26:56] That's the series.

[26:57] But topless water skiing.

[26:58] Where do I sign?

[27:00] Exactly.

[27:01] Okay, so kills.

[27:02] Okay, so kills.

[27:03] It's a mixed bag, but there's some okay stuff.

[27:06] Compared to some of the other recent stuff I've seen, it had its okay ones, and some were just kind of bland.

[27:12] Yeah, kind of boring.

[27:13] Especially because at least there's a bit where he mounts the girl on the rack of deer horns.

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] And that was just done so much better in Silent Night, Deadly Night.

[27:22] Yeah.

[27:23] Or even the similar – or even in Halloween – in the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre with the meat hook.

[27:28] That's true, yeah.

[27:31] So mixed bag.

[27:33] Okay, what about the boobs?

[27:34] How are the boobs, Elliot?

[27:36] I don't know why I'm rating everything.

[27:37] So what, there are three sets of boobs that we see in this?

[27:40] Yeah, but there's a fair amount of boobs.

[27:42] He's entering into an uncomfortable area.

[27:44] I don't know why that would be.

[27:45] Body part rating.

[27:46] No, but I mean like there's a fair amount of boobs.

[27:48] So ultimately that's pretty good for a Friday the 13th movie.

[27:51] It delivered what a Friday the 13th movie promises, which is blood and women's boobs.

[27:58] Irritating teenagers getting killed.

[28:00] Three out of five of the women on screen will get naked.

[28:02] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[28:03] They outdid it with the irritating though.

[28:05] There was no reason they had to be that irritating.

[28:07] Like it was –

[28:08] So you feel that they went so far that you're genuinely like cheering for Jason as opposed to caring at all for the –

[28:14] I think – well, the thing is like not even cheering for Jason, just like indifferent to what happens to these people.

[28:19] They're so irritating and such flat characters that I'm neither happy when they die or sad when they die.

[28:26] It's just like, oh, yeah, there's another one.

[28:28] Well, what are you going to do?

[28:30] That's what Jason does.

[28:32] You've become like those teenagers desensitized.

[28:35] Exactly, desensitized to this violence.

[28:37] And you just – you don't care anymore.

[28:39] Yeah, like I wish they were – or if anything, just more realistically irritating because like just the fact that they were hanging out with each other and they didn't – they all seemed to hate each other.

[28:48] Although they had a shared interest in masturbating and marijuana.

[28:55] I think that's true.

[28:56] I was amazed by the emphasis on –

[28:57] Well, I'm paid to be here.

[28:58] That's why I'm here.

[28:59] The emphasis on marijuana was surprising to me.

[29:02] Really?

[29:03] It was just –

[29:04] Well, that's the best way to get a bunch of teens in one place is offer marijuana.

[29:07] I guess so.

[29:08] It was just so – it was just like weird.

[29:09] Like drinking makes sense to me, but –

[29:11] Sure.

[29:12] Why would – like –

[29:14] There's fewer deaths per year caused by marijuana by the way than drinking.

[29:19] That's true.

[29:20] Well, thanks for laying some truth down on me.

[29:22] Just thought I'd take you –

[29:23] I'll sign your petition.

[29:24] I'll sign your petition, Stuart, OK?

[29:25] Get off my back.

[29:26] It's pro-hemp petition.

[29:27] You can make rope out of it, dude.

[29:28] I know you can.

[29:29] Natural fibers.

[29:30] Yeah, constitution and everything.

[29:31] It's not just weed.

[29:32] Anyway –

[29:33] It's not just weed, dude.

[29:34] Well, and we got to rate Jason.

[29:35] Durable clothing.

[29:36] We got to rate Jason himself.

[29:37] Yeah, Jason and his deaths.

[29:38] Now, I mean clearly this Jason isn't quite as good as some of the later zombified Kane

[29:41] Hodder Jasons.

[29:42] I was going to say.

[29:43] He's no Kane Hodder.

[29:44] He's not a Kane Hodder.

[30:00] Even the fucking huge dude from Freddy vs. Jason, like the super giant dude, he was pretty good too.

[30:06] This guy was a little small, you get a couple weird glimpses of his stumbly-wumbly face.

[30:12] There's a weird sort of effort to humanize Jason in this one to some degree, where he's like,

[30:17] oh, Jason's just a guy who has tunnels under his house and puts bear traps around.

[30:23] He's more like a crazy backwoods hillbilly killer.

[30:28] But most of the time when he's killing people, the only times you really see Jason on screen

[30:33] is when he's literally killing somebody or standing just behind them.

[30:37] You don't really get many character moments where it's like,

[30:40] other than him picking up the mask and finding the hockey mask and putting it on,

[30:44] it's almost all just him chasing people.

[30:47] There's not a lot of moments where you get an actual feeling of Jason the character.

[30:51] You know, like in Jason X, where he walks out into the corridor on this spaceship

[30:55] and there's this moment of like, oh, I guess I'm in space.

[30:59] Gotta go find somebody to kill.

[31:01] There's this scene in the first Halloween when he kills the guy,

[31:05] the first guy he kills in the house, I guess,

[31:06] and he just kind of looks at him and turns his head a little bit,

[31:09] like this moment where you almost see a little bit of how Michael Myers thinks.

[31:15] Yeah, there was nothing like that here.

[31:16] Jason just existed to appear behind people and then stab them.

[31:20] And also, you know, and he could teleport.

[31:23] He'd be someone in the woods and then suddenly he's standing on the roof of the house.

[31:27] Then suddenly he's in the bathroom.

[31:29] That's, you know, it doesn't make.

[31:31] I almost wish there were more shots of Jason, like chasing people through the house

[31:35] or through, like there's a lot of running.

[31:37] Rather than him disappearing.

[31:39] I'd love to see him like burst in through the window

[31:42] or literally like running up the stairs with an axe in his hand.

[31:46] Or if he burst up through a dock at the very end.

[31:50] Oh, he did that.

[31:52] If they really departed from the Friday the 13th mythology

[31:55] and then like there was like a crazy twist at the end

[31:57] where like you see like five Jasons walk out.

[32:01] That would make sense.

[32:02] That would, like an old Tex Avery cartoon.

[32:05] Yeah, could be.

[32:08] I think there was more than one Jason.

[32:12] It was a rabbit.

[32:14] Or it cuts to like a weird house at the very end of a bunch of Jasons just like hanging out

[32:19] and one guy's like gotta go to work and he puts on a mask and leaves.

[32:23] A guy walks in, punches his card and another Jason puts his mask on,

[32:27] punches his card and walks out.

[32:28] That's what I like about like the moment we were talking about in Jason X where he's in space

[32:32] because it's just like, well, my job is killing people.

[32:36] Whether at a camp or in space.

[32:38] Gotta get to it.

[32:40] There's probably, are there any teenagers having sex around me?

[32:44] Jason has always been the most mindless of these type of killers in the movies.

[32:49] I feel like.

[32:51] Yeah, well, we'll gloss over that comment.

[32:54] Wow, wow.

[32:55] Burns.

[32:56] Stuart has a lot of affection for a guy who just goes around killing people.

[33:01] I prefer him when he's like a giant zombie dude.

[33:03] Well, no, he's much better.

[33:04] Well, that's the thing.

[33:05] When he's a killer in the original Friday the 13th movies,

[33:08] he's dead already pretty much.

[33:11] Not really until the sixth one.

[33:14] The end of the first movie is kid Jason jumping out of the lake.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:19] So he has to be a zombie by that point already.

[33:21] Unless he was a mer person.

[33:23] He might be a mer person.

[33:24] I don't think so.

[33:25] So like in the second movie, I assume that he's like a zombie kid who becomes a zombie adult.

[33:29] In the second one, he's like a crazy hillbilly with a bag on his head.

[33:32] The burlap sack.

[33:33] And he's wearing like overalls.

[33:35] It was like they were trying to do like the first three Jason movies in one movie.

[33:38] And then the third one is the 3D one.

[33:42] Where there's tons of like yo-yos going toward the camera.

[33:45] The one that has Crispin Glover in it?

[33:46] No, that's the fourth one.

[33:47] That one's actually really good.

[33:49] That's the one where...

[33:50] Really good.

[33:50] Well, what's really great about that one is there's that awesome bit where this chick is taking a shower with her boyfriend.

[33:55] Sure.

[33:56] She leaves him in the shower.

[33:57] She goes to like do her hair or something so she can do it later.

[34:00] And then she goes back to check on her boyfriend.

[34:03] Jason's already killed this dude, okay?

[34:05] She starts flipping out as you would expect.

[34:08] And she goes running, running around upstairs.

[34:10] And she goes running down the stairs toward the front door.

[34:12] Boom.

[34:13] Axe goes flying through the front door.

[34:15] Hits her in the chest.

[34:16] So Jason not only went up and killed this guy.

[34:19] But then he set the body.

[34:21] He's like, I'm going to go outside.

[34:22] She's going to come running toward the door.

[34:24] Axe without even looking.

[34:26] That's how good I am.

[34:27] Goldberg sort of.

[34:28] Well, I wish that they...

[34:29] Well, it's like showing off at that point.

[34:30] I wish that it showed her running.

[34:32] Cut to Jason standing there stock still.

[34:34] Axe in hand ready to throw.

[34:36] Cut to her running.

[34:37] Cut back to Jason still standing still.

[34:39] Like a ticker?

[34:40] Yeah, exactly.

[34:41] Maybe his arm is like sort of straining.

[34:43] He's like, I can't hold this axe forever.

[34:45] Then you feel sympathy for him, you know?

[34:47] Is he going to be able to do this?

[34:48] He's like a craftsman at that point.

[34:49] Well, yeah.

[34:50] A terror craftsman.

[34:52] The one I saw the most when I was a kid was Jason Takes Manhattan.

[34:55] Okay.

[34:56] Only because...

[34:57] Oh, poor you.

[34:58] It was terrible.

[34:59] But for whatever reason, that seemed to be the one that was on at the time.

[35:01] My God.

[35:02] Such opportunity squandered.

[35:04] Like the very title, Jason Takes Manhattan.

[35:06] You're like, this is going to be the best one ever.

[35:09] You're going to give him the key to the city.

[35:11] Jason, you've taken a Manhattan by storm.

[35:14] He stars in a Broadway show.

[35:16] Dinner at the Waldorf.

[35:18] And then most of the film is spent on a boat going to Manhattan.

[35:23] There's very little Manhattan.

[35:24] And then when you get to Manhattan, it's Toronto.

[35:26] There was something about the image of Jason on the subway walking through subway cars

[35:30] and no one really bothering to notice him.

[35:33] That's the one they should remake.

[35:35] Jason Takes Manhattan?

[35:36] Yeah, make it a real...

[35:38] Make it a mash-up.

[35:39] Jason, pig in the city.

[35:41] Yeah, Jason and the Muppets take Manhattan, pig in the city.

[35:43] Yeah, I like that.

[35:45] And then at the end, Miss Piggy says,

[35:47] Hey, asshole!

[35:49] And then does one of those,

[35:50] Hi-ya!

[35:51] And then chops him.

[35:53] Oh, what a movie.

[35:55] Jason's death at the end.

[35:57] They clearly wanted to save him for that final scare.

[36:00] They also didn't want to fuck him up too much.

[36:02] So they could be like,

[36:03] Hey, we got Jason for the next movie if you want to watch it.

[36:05] And you're like,

[36:06] Well, you melt him in acid.

[36:07] We can't watch that guy.

[36:08] He's like a blob or something.

[36:09] So they didn't do that.

[36:11] What they did do was they wrapped a chain around his neck

[36:15] and then they threw one end of the chain

[36:18] into a wood chipper.

[36:20] Now, I don't use a wood chipper regularly.

[36:23] I'm sure some of our listeners do.

[36:25] Lumberjacks.

[36:26] I would imagine if you throw...

[36:28] All the X-Men who listen to this.

[36:30] I would imagine if you throw a chain into a wood chipper,

[36:32] it's not just going to drag it through

[36:35] like somebody who accidentally got their tie caught in it.

[36:37] It's going to screw up that machine.

[36:38] It would fuck it up really bad.

[36:39] To be fair, that was a pretty heavy-duty wood chipper.

[36:41] That was not like one of your...

[36:43] You don't get that at Walmart.

[36:45] That was like an industrial-strength wood chipper.

[36:47] Either way, it's still rotating rods with spikes on the end.

[36:51] That's what it was.

[36:52] I'm sure the first rule you learn in wood chipper school

[36:55] is don't fucking throw a metal chain.

[36:58] But the wood chipper works fine.

[37:00] It just chips up that chain and it drags Jason towards it.

[37:03] Wood chipper school, that's like a technical college, right?

[37:05] It's not accredited.

[37:07] No, that's a doctorate.

[37:09] That's a doctoral degree.

[37:11] They also have a pretty good liberal arts program.

[37:13] Wow.

[37:14] So, of course, it's dragging him in.

[37:16] Fighting chips.

[37:17] He's dragging him in.

[37:18] The wood chipper's dragging him in.

[37:19] He's like, I'm dying, but I still want to grab this girl and kill her.

[37:22] And then she's like, hey, dickhead,

[37:24] say hello to your mom in hell

[37:27] and stabs him with his own machete.

[37:29] Oh, my God, who saw it coming?

[37:32] Ironic.

[37:33] Yeah.

[37:34] Very ironic.

[37:35] He died as he lived.

[37:36] With a machete.

[37:37] Not at all.

[37:38] Not at all.

[37:39] And then, of course, they're like,

[37:41] well, you know, this brother and sister,

[37:44] they're like, all of our friends are dead.

[37:46] There's blood everywhere.

[37:47] We're probably injured in some way.

[37:49] He smashed my head into a fucking bus.

[37:52] We have a lot of questions to answer to the police.

[37:54] Yeah.

[37:55] Including the dead cop that's on the door.

[37:57] Yeah, the dead chief of police or whatever.

[38:01] It looks like it's pretty much a one cop town.

[38:03] He's the sheriff and the sheriff's deputy.

[38:05] They're like, you know what?

[38:06] There's no way we're going to be able to explain this.

[38:08] Let's just toss his dead body in the lake.

[38:11] Let's wait till daylight.

[38:13] Toss the body in the lake.

[38:15] Throw his mask in there.

[38:16] Throw that magical amulet that we stole from his house.

[38:19] You know what?

[38:20] This amulet was the one thing that could distract him long enough

[38:23] to stop him from killing people.

[38:24] Let's throw it in the lake.

[38:25] I'm glad that you keep using the term amulet.

[38:27] I know it's clearly a locket.

[38:28] Yeah, it's a locket.

[38:29] Amulet just sounds cooler than locket.

[38:30] It is a locket with two pictures, one of which is scratched out.

[38:33] It's a copy of Dr. Seuss's I've Got a Wocket in My Pocket.

[38:38] So they throw him in there and they're like,

[38:40] oh, phew, the nightmare is over.

[38:42] And then you, the audience, find out clearly it isn't because Jason comes back.

[38:46] Having taken the time to put his mask back on, of course.

[38:48] I love that they throw the mask in separately.

[38:50] So he's swimming around underwater, I'm going to say,

[38:52] looking for his mask, finally finding it.

[38:54] Oh, I've got to find it before they get off the dock.

[38:57] And they hang around, of course.

[38:59] One of the things I did like in the movie was the

[39:01] long lingering shots of the decaying toys in Jason's house.

[39:04] Every time someone went back to his house,

[39:06] there were different rotting toys for the camera to look at.

[39:09] Yeah, you think he goes...

[39:11] We've been talking for a long time, guys.

[39:13] Goes to like a TJ Maxx?

[39:15] And we can get out of here.

[39:17] We love Friday the 13th so much, but let's quit.

[39:20] Okay, final judgment, Stan?

[39:22] Final judgment.

[39:24] Yeah.

[39:26] That's the gate closing.

[39:28] Okay, are you looking at me?

[39:30] Yeah, what's the deal?

[39:32] Oh, our categories are, is this a good, bad movie?

[39:34] A movie that's laughable and fun?

[39:36] A bad, bad movie?

[39:38] A movie that provides no enjoyment?

[39:40] Or a movie that you actually kind of liked in some way?

[39:44] Hell, I'll start for once.

[39:46] Whoa!

[39:48] What?

[39:50] I kind of enjoy this movie.

[39:53] Don't get me wrong, it's not good.

[39:55] But also, don't get me wrong,

[39:57] no Friday the 13th movies are really any good.

[40:00] I know that Stuart is like a ball of rage.

[40:04] Stuart puts on a hockey mask. Stuart picks up machete.

[40:07] Stuart, you need to kill all of them.

[40:10] Shut up, dead mom.

[40:12] Get off my back, dead mom.

[40:15] They've managed to make tens of movies with absolutely no plot.

[40:21] Basically, guy kills people, repeat.

[40:24] And yet I have fondness for them.

[40:27] I don't know whether it's just nostalgia.

[40:29] But as far as a remake goes,

[40:33] the same guy, Marcus Welby,

[40:39] he did the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake,

[40:43] which I feel really totally missed the boat

[40:46] in terms of tone and capturing what was interesting about the original movie.

[40:51] That was way closer to Friday the 13th than it was Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[40:56] But this movie captured the spirit of a Friday the 13th movie in so much as there is one.

[41:02] Yeah, that's true.

[41:03] And I sort of enjoyed it on that level.

[41:05] I mean, I don't think I would have enjoyed it sitting at home alone,

[41:09] but this is an OK movie to watch with friends.

[41:11] You would have been too scared.

[41:12] Yeah, I'd be scarified.

[41:14] Scarified.

[41:16] I would not be able to get to sleep.

[41:17] Elliot, what do you think?

[41:18] I kind of agree with Dan.

[41:20] I didn't like it as much as him,

[41:22] but it was fun to watch with you guys.

[41:25] It's really stupid, and there were some good gore effects in it,

[41:29] and women take their tops off,

[41:32] and it was short and it was not slow.

[41:38] So right there, it got some of the things right about a Friday the 13th movie.

[41:41] Like it moves fast.

[41:43] There's a pretty high body count.

[41:46] Jason doesn't quite have as much character as he would like,

[41:49] but he wears a hockey mask and he kills people with a machete.

[41:53] Yeah, I think I'm going to agree with both of you guys.

[41:56] I think this was fun to watch.

[41:59] It wasn't like great.

[42:00] No, God no.

[42:02] Don't take this as a recommendation.

[42:04] It's not the life and death of Colonel Blimp.

[42:06] There's no telekinetic girl battling Jason.

[42:08] There's no Kristen Glover.

[42:10] He never gets brought back to life by lightning hitting a steel pole in his chest.

[42:14] Yeah, somebody accidentally stuffs it into his zombie chest.

[42:17] So none of that stuff happens.

[42:19] But, yeah, you know, there's a body count.

[42:21] There's nudity.

[42:23] There's some killing in it.

[42:25] Wait, I already said that.

[42:26] But, yeah, it basically does everything it needs to do.

[42:29] It's a little lazy.

[42:30] It is very lazy.

[42:32] It's a little uninspired.

[42:34] But, you know, it was an hour and 25 minutes or something probably.

[42:40] Until they make Jason and the Argonauts, Friday the 13th, part 11.

[42:43] But, I mean, if I have any feedback, it's that they really had no need to call this like a remake.

[42:50] They could have just made it Friday the 13th, part whatever, 12, 13 right now.

[42:54] There was nothing new about it.

[42:57] For a remake or a reimagining, he was very close to the formula,

[43:01] and it acknowledges that there's a past to this character.

[43:05] Yeah.

[43:07] That flashback at the beginning is kind of unintelligible if you don't really know the Jason story already.

[43:14] I mean they don't even have to call it a remake.

[43:16] They could just every other year release a movie titled Friday the 13th and just keep making fucking movies like this,

[43:23] and I'll probably keep watching them because I like watching stupid teenagers get killed.

[43:28] Wow.

[43:29] That's why you're a serial killer.

[43:30] That's going to be played back in court.

[43:33] I didn't mean, oh no.

[43:35] Oh, that came out all wrong, officer.

[43:39] So I don't actually have a letter to read, but I do want to—

[43:43] You read all those letters last time when I wasn't here.

[43:45] Did you write your own letter?

[43:47] Dear Dan, I'll be your friend. Love, Dan.

[43:50] Well, you're the best member of the flop house.

[43:53] I do have one email, but I think I'm going to hold off on it until the next show because we're running a little long.

[43:59] But, no, you can look forward to that.

[44:02] I don't know how you teased us.

[44:03] I am teasing. I'm teasing you.

[44:04] Well, what if you read the email and we don't do recommendations?

[44:07] Wow. Wow. A break with the—

[44:10] Yeah, why don't you read the email, Dan?

[44:12] You'd rather do email than recommendations?

[44:14] I don't—

[44:16] I actually don't have a recommendation.

[44:17] I don't have anything in particular.

[44:19] This shit's all going to get edited out, so just go read the email.

[44:21] All right, because we all liked Friday the 13th, sort of, why don't you take that as our recommendation?

[44:26] You know what? If you want to watch a piece of crap and have a good time, watch this one.

[44:30] Don't go see Transformers.

[44:31] Done.

[44:32] I'm going to see Transformers with Elliot this weekend.

[44:34] Please.

[44:35] No.

[44:36] Michael Bay, give us free tickets.

[44:37] So—

[44:38] Michael Bay, give us free—

[44:40] What I love about this movie is that it doesn't say produced by Michael Bay.

[44:42] It says in association with Michael Bay.

[44:44] That's awesome.

[44:45] At the beginning of Friday the 13th.

[44:47] Well, it's like a—

[44:49] Like he was hanging out on the set when they made it.

[44:52] Well, somebody called him up on their cell phone.

[44:54] They're like, hey, Michael Bay, we're making this movie.

[44:56] You got any advice?

[44:58] Okay.

[44:59] Topless water skiing.

[45:00] Okay.

[45:01] That's what we'll do.

[45:02] You're a genius, Mickey B.

[45:03] So this is from Ben, last name withheld, from Lakewood, Colorado.

[45:07] Crystal Lakewood?

[45:08] Uh-huh.

[45:09] Lake Colorado?

[45:10] Yeah.

[45:11] And it's titled Kudos to Yudos.

[45:15] I think he misspelled Yudos.

[45:17] Yodas?

[45:18] Yeah.

[45:19] Kudos to Yodas.

[45:21] Kudos to Yodas.

[45:22] It's like when Star Wars Episode II came out and it had that lightsaber duel between Yoda

[45:27] and Count Dooku at the end.

[45:29] They put out an ad after the movie had opened that showed just that scene and it went,

[45:34] Yoda man!

[45:36] Star Wars Episode II, Yoda man!

[45:39] And this very cheap computer lettering of Yoda man!

[45:42] Would come up on screen.

[45:44] That's the—

[45:45] I remember watching it and being like, seriously?

[45:47] Like this is an ad for a Star Wars movie?

[45:49] Kudos to Yodas is the New York Post headline for Yoda beating Count Dooku in a fight.

[45:57] So the ad says, like, make way for ducklings.

[46:03] Make way for dooklings.

[46:05] So he says, I've been listening to your show for at least the past 20 episodes now,

[46:10] about when Elliot transformed from a special guest co-host to permanent co-host.

[46:14] Yeah, I took over.

[46:15] How many episodes have we made?

[46:17] This is like 30-something.

[46:18] Jesus.

[46:19] You were a baby when we started.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:22] Or when you started.

[46:23] I wasn't here.

[46:24] I've got to say your banter is one of the finest qualities we've found out in the podcast universe.

[46:29] Thank you.

[46:30] Please keep cranking out the episodes and don't ever change.

[46:35] That's very nice of you, Last Name With Help.

[46:38] Here's a recommendation.

[46:39] I don't think that we're going to do this as a movie because it's an indie film.

[46:43] Is this what he's saying or are you—

[46:45] This is me commenting on—

[46:47] You're editing what he says.

[46:48] Okay, why don't you just read what he says and then we'll—

[46:50] It's like the Talmud.

[46:51] You've got to read the actual text and then the criticism of the text.

[46:54] All right.

[46:55] Well, he says,

[46:56] I wanted to throw a movie recommendation out your way.

[46:58] In my Colorado neighborhood library, I stumbled across a movie titled Subdivision, Colorado.

[47:05] It is a small-budget, locally made movie about a charming quartet of young adults

[47:09] who get caught up in an amazing adventure rooted in some sort of supernatural treasure hunt

[47:13] across the mystical Rocky Mountains.

[47:15] I like it already.

[47:17] I'd like to think of it as a love child between the Goonies

[47:19] and an episode of the Nickelodeon TV show Hey Dude.

[47:22] Well, I need to throw out my screenplay now.

[47:25] Thank you.

[47:27] The movie is straight-up terrible, but I consider it to be so awful

[47:29] that it would squarely fall into your category of a good-bad movie,

[47:32] especially if you view it as a group whilst taking part in alcoholic libations.

[47:37] Not me.

[47:38] Yeah, T. Totler.

[47:39] T. Totler, just like Lincoln.

[47:40] I seriously think that this could even finally oust the Bratz movie

[47:45] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[47:49] I was on your side until that.

[47:50] Calm down.

[47:52] Whoa.

[47:53] Calm down.

[47:54] My only concern is that since you seem to mostly go after mainstream movies,

[47:57] this film might be too obscure and you may have difficulty finding it in New York.

[48:00] You may also feel guilty poking fun at a movie made by a struggling filmmaker.

[48:04] That's more like it.

[48:05] But please try to push this guilt aside.

[48:07] Your inclusion of this movie on your program may actually do it good,

[48:10] propelling it forward into cult status.

[48:13] I think that he's overestimating our influence.

[48:15] I don't know.

[48:16] I don't think so.

[48:17] This could be our Manos.

[48:18] Yeah.

[48:19] Yep.

[48:20] Well, we're propelling it into cult status by mentioning it on this show.

[48:23] So it's called Subdivision Colorado?

[48:24] Yeah.

[48:25] My love is it's an adventure movie that has a name that sounds like a housing subdivision,

[48:31] like it sounds like a planned community.

[48:33] Yeah, I mean, it has a lot to learn from Mom and Dad Save the World.

[48:37] Or Twin Sitters.

[48:38] Or Twin Sitters.

[48:39] Both of those movies tell you right what you're in for.

[48:42] You are going to see some twins babysit.

[48:45] You're going to see Mom and Dad Save the World.

[48:47] All these things.

[48:49] Whereas My Life as a Dog, that guy doesn't turn into a dog once.

[48:52] What the fuck?

[48:53] Boring.

[48:54] Boring.

[48:55] Stick to the shaggy DA.

[48:58] What I love about that is the idea that that's the logical progression.

[49:01] Like, all right, in the first movie he's just a shaggy dog.

[49:04] He's going to be running for district attorney.

[49:07] He knows he has a problem with turning into dogs.

[49:10] You know what?

[49:11] He's on a position of authority as the district attorney.

[49:13] Wasn't it our idea, Elliot, that it would have been a better movie if it was the shaggy dog catcher?

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:19] Like, then it turns into Greek tragedy.

[49:20] He's going to betray his own type.

[49:22] Sure.

[49:23] It ends with him leading himself to be put to sleep.

[49:25] Oh, so sad.

[49:28] Don't blame me.

[49:29] Blame Aeschylus.

[49:31] Yep.

[49:32] Blame Euripides.

[49:33] Yep, it's Euripides.

[49:35] After he finished The Bacchae, he wrote The Shaggy Dog Catcher.

[49:38] On a similar note of recommending good, bad movies that are too obscure to talk about on the show,

[49:45] I saw a movie called Street Revenge that a friend of a friend with the boom mic operator on.

[49:54] And he's like, you've got to see this.

[49:55] Not a good movie.

[49:56] And if you can find it.

[50:00] recommend it. I have no idea what happened in the movie. I watched it just two nights

[50:04] ago. Could not follow the plot, but brilliant bad filmmaking.

[50:08] Sounds good. Street Revenge, it's called?

[50:12] Yeah. Sounds good. Okay, so what else do we have to do here?

[50:15] Well, I did want to say we got a comment on the last show from a super fan, Ksenia. Am

[50:22] I saying that right, Elliot?

[50:24] Ksenia. You don't want to put so much space between the K and the S.

[50:29] All right, Ksenia.

[50:30] Lovely person.

[50:31] Ksenia.

[50:32] She's a friend of mine.

[50:33] She mentioned that, strangely enough, Head of the Family is available on Netflix.

[50:39] Holy shit.

[50:40] Except that it wasn't, but it's actually on DVD and you can get it through Netflix, whereas

[50:44] Paul Schrader's Blue Collar is not.

[50:46] Really? Because that is on DVD.

[50:48] Yeah, very strange.

[50:49] That DVD might be out of print.

[50:51] To make an additional footnote, I actually put it on my Netflix cube right after recommending

[50:57] it. I apologize for the mistake.

[50:59] Well, I did, too, after your great description.

[51:02] Yeah, we should watch it together.

[51:03] All right.

[51:04] Can I watch it with you guys?

[51:05] No.

[51:06] Come on.

[51:07] No, you're going to be watching Transformers Revenge of the Fallen.

[51:09] No, I don't want to watch Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. I literally just wish I could

[51:14] watch the scenes where robots do stupid things.

[51:16] Yep, like fart and make racist jokes.

[51:19] Like fart and have balls.

[51:21] And have human-style testicles.

[51:23] I do want to take this opportunity to plug, Ksenia started a zine.

[51:28] It's like a magazine.

[51:30] Yeah, it's like a magazine, but it happened in the early 90s and not so much anymore.

[51:35] Oh, come on.

[51:36] Is it made on graph paper?

[51:37] She's going to be taking part in a zine fair this weekend.

[51:39] Hey, no, I'm in total support. I'm plugging it on the show.

[51:42] All right.

[51:43] But she's putting out a zine. It's called I Love Bad Movies.

[51:45] There's stuff that both Elliot and I wrote in it.

[51:49] The zine convention.

[51:51] I read good pictures at least.

[51:54] Dropped the ball.

[51:56] Zine convention on Saturday.

[51:59] So by the time this comes out.

[52:01] I could do some modeling for the next one if you guys.

[52:03] You're going to do some what?

[52:04] I'll do some modeling for some photographs.

[52:07] Nude modeling?

[52:08] Well, they don't have to be nude.

[52:09] I mean, I want to leave something to the imagination.

[52:12] I could wear like a strange belt.

[52:16] I see a nude pictorial of you where you're discreetly covering yourself with a giant mustache.

[52:22] Well, I'm sure she'll get in touch with you.

[52:25] But I'll put a link to where you can buy the zine online on the show notes.

[52:30] That would be great.

[52:32] And I also wanted to, Elliot, you're doing a movie screening series.

[52:36] Do you want to plug that?

[52:37] Yeah, I'd love to.

[52:38] I'm hosting a monthly film screening series at the 92nd Street Y Tribeca in New York.

[52:45] On 200 Hudson Street.

[52:48] We had our first showing last month, which was The Thin Man.

[52:51] And this month, this coming month, July 15th.

[52:55] I guess it's not last month.

[52:56] In June we watched The Thin Man.

[52:58] July 15th we'll be watching The Devil and Daniel Webster.

[53:00] And I'll be introducing it and giving a short brief talk afterwards.

[53:04] Just about things that are interesting about it.

[53:06] And then August, taking a break.

[53:08] And then September, I'm going to show Love Me Tonight.

[53:13] And October will be The Old Dark House.

[53:16] Wow.

[53:17] And most of these we'll have on film.

[53:20] They've been able to secure actual film prints of them.

[53:23] So July 15th, 8 p.m., The Devil and Daniel Webster.

[53:28] If you go to the 92Y Tribeca website, you can buy tickets.

[53:32] It'll be a lot of fun.

[53:33] If you've never seen the movie, it's a great movie.

[53:34] Yeah.

[53:35] And if you want to see Elliot in person, talk about a movie that's good.

[53:38] Yeah.

[53:39] Watch a movie.

[53:40] And possibly have Dan and I in the audience.

[53:42] Yeah, I hope so.

[53:43] Hootin'.

[53:44] Hootin' hollerin'.

[53:45] You might have a flop house reunion there.

[53:46] Oh, man.

[53:47] But The Devil and Daniel Webster is a lot of fun.

[53:48] It's both very creepy and very corny.

[53:51] There are a lot of scenes that are old-fashioned corn pone.

[53:54] And then scenes that are genuinely like, this is really weird and kind of scary.

[53:58] And you recommended it on the show.

[54:00] So there's a connection.

[54:02] There's a connection there.

[54:03] And the other ones will be a lot of fun, too.

[54:05] But I'll plug them when we get closer.

[54:08] Please come by.

[54:09] It'll be a lot of fun.

[54:10] And I guarantee a good movie.

[54:12] And I'll try not to talk too long.

[54:14] And I would like to also plug a sketch group that I'm in is doing shows the first four Fridays in July at the Magnet Theater in New York.

[54:22] If you Google the Magnet Theater, you'll find the website.

[54:26] The sketch group is called Mr. White Pants, the Mr. White Pants Comedy Hour.

[54:30] The first four Fridays in July at 7 p.m.

[54:33] You can come see us.

[54:34] It's only $5.

[54:35] So come on out.

[54:37] Stuart, would you like to plug anything?

[54:39] No, I have nothing to plug.

[54:42] Plug your mustache.

[54:43] I could.

[54:44] It's pretty impressive.

[54:45] It's rich and lustrous.

[54:46] And I bought some jeans.

[54:48] You were excited about that.

[54:50] You apparently haven't bought jeans for ten years.

[54:52] When was the last time you bought jeans?

[54:53] Ten years ago.

[54:54] Ten years ago.

[54:55] Back when they, you know, they...

[54:56] When they're acid washed?

[54:57] Yeah, absolutely.

[54:58] They were body gloved jeans.

[54:59] Yep.

[55:00] I want...

[55:01] They're so old that they don't change colors anymore.

[55:02] I got sports jeans because I really liked A.C. Slater back then.

[55:05] Okay, so this has been the Flophouse, right?

[55:08] Yeah, this has been the Flophouse.

[55:10] It has been that indeed.

[55:12] Well, you can check us out at www.flophousepodcast.

[55:18] No, no.

[55:19] Theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com.

[55:22] Flophouse.flop.

[55:24] Flophouse.flopspotblogspothousecast.

[55:28] Speaking of which, I have to drop this in.

[55:32] Before I mentioned Sketch Group, Mr. White Pants,

[55:34] if you go to MrWhitePants.com,

[55:37] that's actually a gay porn site focused on men in white pants.

[55:41] I'm not kidding about that.

[55:43] So don't go to that site.

[55:44] No, unless you are interested in men in white pants.

[55:46] It'll be like Aquafan.com, the last porn site that we accidentally plugged on the show.

[55:51] Anyway, for the Flophouse...

[55:54] I still haven't had sex underwater yet.

[55:56] That's why I haven't posted on that site yet.

[55:58] One posting that says sex underwater.

[56:00] Anybody done it?

[56:01] And no other postings.

[56:04] What a site.

[56:06] Moral is, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[56:09] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[56:10] I continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[56:12] Good night.

[56:14] You're a Wiccan?

[56:15] I'm a Wiccan, yeah.

[56:18] He's coming out as a Wiccan.

[56:20] I was just working for the weekend.

[56:24] Working for the weekend.

[56:25] Hey guys, it's almost...

[56:26] Everybody's Wiccan for the weekend.

[56:28] I was gonna say, everybody's working for the Wiccans.

[56:31] Guys, it's almost ten.

[56:32] Two hours.

[56:33] TGIF, you know what I mean?

[56:35] Yep, that's when my Friday starts.

[56:37] Midnight on Thursday night.

The Flop House: Episode #40 - Friday the 13th

Transcript

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