The Flop House: Episode #134 - Upside Down

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the movie that proves love can conquer even basic science.

[0:06] Upside Down.

Stuart Wellington

[0:30] Upside Down.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Upside Down.

[1:30] Replace it with a girl who has no sexual chemistry with Elliot.

[1:34] It could be his sister.

[1:36] Yeah, no, we figured why wait?

[1:38] Why wait until one of us has...

[1:40] Let's force it.

[1:40] ...go out of town.

[1:41] Yeah, let's do a foursome.

[1:43] Let's make this a foursome, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] Like the end of a seduction cinema movie.

[1:47] Just four lesbians on a tarp in the woods.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51] Speaking of woods tarps...

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Speaking of woods tarps, no one has ever spoken of that ever, except me just now.

Dan McCoy

[1:59] Yeah, I couldn't think of a segue.

[2:01] So, Hallie.

[2:02] Yes.

[2:02] This is your first time really interacting with Stuart.

[2:05] It is?

[2:06] What do you think of this guy?

[2:08] Huh?

[2:08] Wait, what?

[2:09] This was your plan?

[2:10] This is your performance reveal.

Hallie Haglund

[2:13] Okay.

[2:13] Well, as he described himself to me, he is a cool, laid-back dude.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] I think I said party dude.

Hallie Haglund

[2:21] Oh, pardon.

[2:22] Excuse me.

Dan McCoy

[2:23] Get his notices right.

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] Yeah, do I have to write an email?

[2:26] What's going on here, guys?

Dan McCoy

[2:27] Stuart, by the way, pink as a lobster.

[2:30] He just came from a beach.

[2:31] I think you mean red as a lobster.

[2:33] Oh, he's not red.

[2:34] He's pink.

[2:34] I'm already...

[2:35] Lobsters are not pink.

[2:37] Pink.

Hallie Haglund

[2:37] Pink girl's dress.

[2:39] A dress that's pink.

[2:41] Wait, the girl is pink, too?

[2:42] Both.

[2:43] It's camouflage.

[2:44] You think she's naked when you look at her at first, but then you realize, no, it's just

[2:47] a pink dress.

[2:47] You're like, is that part of her body?

Stuart Wellington

[2:50] It's a Mary Kay convertible.

[2:52] That's Stuart.

[2:53] Okay.

[2:53] So I was at the beach today, and I assumed, I'm pretty cool.

[2:57] I don't need...

[2:57] Life's hard for Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[2:58] After a day at the beach, it's on to the podcast.

[3:00] Life is literally a beach for Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[3:03] Wait, what?

[3:03] Yep.

[3:05] So I assumed, I don't need sunscreen.

[3:08] I probably should have put on sunscreen, but I'll be fine.

[3:11] I've been drinking all day.

[3:12] I'm good, man.

[3:13] Yeah, sure.

[3:14] That booze.

[3:14] It's the natural sunscreen.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] It'll hydrate me.

[3:18] No, it does the opposite.

[3:20] So Dan, what do we do in this podcast?

[3:22] You want to talk about my skin?

[3:23] Talk about Stuart's skin conditions.

Stuart Wellington

[3:25] Dan's knee was making a weird sound a couple minutes ago.

[3:28] It's a Stuart skin update question.

Hallie Haglund

[3:30] Is the microphone picking up Dan's weird knee sound?

[3:32] It probably is.

[3:33] Everybody shut up.

Stuart Wellington

[3:34] Shut up for like five minutes.

[3:35] Eeeh.

[3:37] Eeeh.

Dan McCoy

[3:38] Welcome to my home.

[3:40] Wait, so the knee is the cryptiever's door?

[3:44] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[3:46] You got distracted.

[3:47] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[3:51] I don't know why I feel the need to reset that it's a podcast every time.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] I mean, the podcast is us talking about it.

[3:57] We don't watch the movie while we're recording.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Okay, well, let's back up.

[4:01] We discuss after the fact.

[4:01] Okay, just delete this part.

[4:03] It's a discussion of a bad movie that we have just watched.

[4:05] And what movie did we watch this time?

[4:07] We watched a movie called Upside Hyphen Down.

[4:11] Really?

[4:12] There's a hyphen?

[4:13] I think so.

Hallie Haglund

[4:14] I don't remember that.

[4:15] And I'm looking at the...

[4:17] I don't think there's a hyphen down.

[4:18] I would remember a hyphen.

[4:19] Listen, there's been some misinformation.

Stuart Wellington

[4:21] Nobody posts any shit on the internet about us.

[4:24] Fucking it up.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] This is not Hyphen Gate, okay?

[4:27] We know there's no hyphen.

[4:29] Just Dan being wrong.

[4:31] Now, Dan, you were pretty intent...

[4:33] You want to talk about pink skins more?

[4:34] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[4:36] I wanted to watch this movie.

[4:38] Is that what you were going to say?

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Yeah, you were intent, eerily intent on watching this.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Because it's a stupid concept.

[4:44] A high concept.

[4:46] Because they were high when they came up with it.

[4:48] Good one, Elliot.

[4:48] Two star-crossed lovers who live on separate planets, planets...

Hallie Haglund

[4:52] Literally.

[4:53] Literally star-crossed because...

Dan McCoy

[4:55] Yeah, they live on two different planets.

[4:57] What if they were star-crossed Glovers?

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] Danny Glovers?

[5:00] And Donald Glover.

[5:02] Oh.

[5:02] I'm a romance between...

[5:04] And they've been crossed by a star, and they want to get revenge.

Dan McCoy

[5:07] It's called Star Revenge.

[5:11] No, this is a movie about Jim Sturgis and Kirsten Dunst.

[5:16] Kirsten Dunst.

[5:17] They live on different planets.

Hallie Haglund

[5:19] They play themselves.

[5:20] One of them's a successful actress.

Dan McCoy

[5:24] And the other's a guy from England.

Hallie Haglund

[5:26] And the other's like, oh, what was he in?

[5:28] I know I recognize him.

[5:30] Oh, no, I guess I didn't, because I just read his IMDb page, and I've never seen any of this.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] Okay, so here we go.

[5:36] Want to say what this movie's about?

[5:37] Two planets, alike in Vigility.

[5:39] No, no, you want me to say?

[5:40] Okay, so there's...

[5:42] This story follows a boy named Adam, who lives on one of two planets that are eternally locked

[5:48] in each other's gravitonic embrace.

[5:51] There are two planets that exist just right next to each other all the time, and they have

[5:56] three rules.

[5:57] Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Planetotics.

[5:59] Three rules.

Stuart Wellington

[5:59] Because the best thing about a movie is sitting down and having somebody explain a shitload

[6:03] of rules to you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:04] It opens with about, what, 30 minutes of exploratory, explanatory monologue?

[6:09] You know how when you're playing a game for the first time, and your favorite part is someone

Dan McCoy

[6:12] explaining the rules?

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:14] That's like this, but in movie form.

Hallie Haglund

[6:16] You know how you go to the movies, and you just want to relax, sit back in the dark, and

[6:20] then learn a bunch of rules?

Stuart Wellington

[6:22] You know how when you buy a...

[6:23] Pass me the rules manual, sir.

[6:25] I want to read all about this bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] When you buy a video game and it comes with an instruction manual, the first thing you

[6:29] do is you sit down and you read that manual cover to cover.

Stuart Wellington

[6:31] Like, oh, cool, the registration rights on this game.

[6:35] Who's the visual designer?

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] And here's the address to write to in case I have any issues with the technology.

[6:41] Can't wait to play this.

[6:42] Thank you, Konami.

[6:43] There's three rules here in this universe, this made-up, fakey, fictional, allegorical universe.

[6:48] One, the two planets have different gravities.

[6:51] Okay, but all matter is pulled to the world that it originated in.

[6:56] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] Is that the first rule?

[6:58] That's the first rule.

[6:59] I have an objection, but I'll let you keep going.

[7:00] What's your objection?

[7:01] Is it that gravity doesn't work that way?

[7:03] Gravity is controlled by mass rather than just what planet you're from.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] Well, get used to it, because nothing is science in this movie.

[7:11] All right.

[7:12] Carry on.

[7:13] It works off what I would call fairytale science, where the heart is stronger than the

[7:17] brain.

[7:18] Mm-hmm.

[7:19] What?

[7:19] The heart is the strongest muscle.

Dan McCoy

[7:21] Yeah.

[7:22] The heart is the biggest erogenous zone.

[7:24] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:26] The heart is a lonely hunter.

[7:29] Because no one wants to walk around with a gross heart just, what, rolling around next

[7:33] to you?

[7:33] No.

[7:35] Do you want it with a spear in its hand?

[7:36] Put that heart in it.

[7:38] It's a heart hunting for what?

[7:39] It doesn't need to eat?

Stuart Wellington

[7:40] Getting covered in gravel and dirt.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] It's probably sticky, right?

[7:43] Just grass, yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[7:44] It's like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[7:46] It's like Krang, but it's a heart.

Stuart Wellington

[7:47] Oh, okay.

[7:48] But without a robot exoskeleton to pee all over people with.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] Oh, that horrible picture.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] Okay.

[7:55] Rule number two.

Elliott Kalan

[7:56] Remember peeing all over people.

[7:57] That'll come into play later.

[8:00] Yeah, this is, it's rare that we see.

[8:01] We're the best part in the movie.

[8:03] It's weird that we see a movie that actually has a urine scene in it.

[8:06] But this, I guess the paper boy in this.

Hallie Haglund

[8:08] I know that scene where they switch bodies because they pee in the same fountain.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] But we didn't watch that movie for this.

[8:12] Oh.

[8:13] I watched that for funzos.

Dan McCoy

[8:15] Funzo the clown?

[8:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[8:17] He asked you to do a report on?

[8:17] Yeah, yeah.

[8:17] He yelled a gun to my head.

[8:20] While I masturbated.

[8:21] It was really weird.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] Someday someone will catch funzo.

[8:26] The clown that makes you masturbate at gunpoint to Jason Bateman movies.

[8:30] Oh, funzo.

[8:31] It took like all of five minutes.

[8:34] Okay, rule number two.

[8:36] An object's weight can be offset by matter from the opposite world.

[8:40] So like if you wear a bunch of weights from one planet, from the other planet on you, you can hang out on that planet.

[8:45] It's like math.

[8:47] It's exactly like math.

Hallie Haglund

[8:49] Beware before you put a bunch of weights on you from another planet.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] Rule number three.

[8:55] If one piece of matter from one world lands on the other world for too long, it goes on fire.

[9:01] It just starts burning up like a hunk, a hunk of burning metal.

[9:06] Of which there's a lot in this.

[9:08] So okay, there's two worlds.

[9:10] One of them, the upper world, is all rich.

[9:12] And the one of the bottom worlds, the down world, I guess, is poor.

[9:16] It's like Elysium, except you don't need a rocket ship to go between them.

[9:19] The worlds are just right there.

[9:21] There's no awesome exoskeletons.

[9:22] There's no exoskeletons.

[9:23] And if you climb to a mountain, you can just jump to the other world if you want.

[9:26] And young Adam.

[9:28] Multiple times.

[9:28] Who is an orphan who learns from his great aunt the secret of making...

Hallie Haglund

[9:32] Who won't take him in.

[9:33] I thought that was a valid point made by Stuart earlier when we were watching the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[9:36] Yeah, he's got this great aunt who lives a bike ride away from the orphanage.

[9:39] She's okay.

[9:39] And she makes these...

[9:40] She's a great aunt.

[9:41] She's an all right aunt.

[9:42] And she makes these fucking awesome pancakes.

[9:44] Floating pancakes.

[9:45] She knows the secret of how to use pink beeswax to make floating pancakes.

[9:49] This will come in handy because this movie is hella dumb.

[9:52] This is not some gibberish that we made up.

[9:55] This is an actual plot point.

[9:57] Now, I know what you're thinking.

[9:57] Floating pancakes.

[9:59] Is this the Oogie Loves movie?

[10:00] Those were flying pancakes.

[10:02] That cooked by a vacuum cleaner for a pillow.

[10:08] If you didn't remember that episode, go listen to it.

[10:11] It's a treat.

[10:11] Anyway, so he has the power to...

[10:14] He knows how to make anti-gravity stuff.

[10:16] And he meets and falls in love with a girl from the other planet.

[10:20] And they climb to each...

[10:21] Who turns into Kristen Dunst.

[10:22] To the top of a very tall mountain to meet each other.

Hallie Haglund

[10:25] Basically because besides one other woman in this movie, she's the only woman he's ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:31] Well, who's he going to fall in love with?

[10:32] Is it a great aunt?

[10:33] That's gross.

[10:33] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:34] Or that woman with messy hair later on in the movie.

[10:36] Yeah, she's the other woman.

[10:37] She's available probably.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] I have to assume her hair is a mess.

Stuart Wellington

[10:40] Yeah, if she found a man, she would straighten her hair out.

[10:44] That's how it works, right?

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] That's the first thing that happens when you get tie-dye.

Dan McCoy

[10:47] Well, my days are wild hair over.

Elliott Kalan

[10:51] Time to iron you.

[10:52] And you just take an iron and put it right on your hair.

[10:55] Ow, my cheek.

[10:57] Anyway, so he falls in love with Kristen Dunst.

[11:01] They grow up.

[11:02] They're like high school sweethearts.

[11:03] And they learn that they can hang out with each other.

[11:07] That Kristen Dunst rides around on his shoulders.

[11:09] And he'll hold her down, but then he'll jump.

[11:11] He's like bounce around.

[11:12] And she pulls him into the air because her planet is pulling her back.

[11:14] Yeah, like Tigger.

[11:15] It is the most innocent of frolicking.

[11:18] It looks fun.

[11:19] It does look fun, but it's innocent.

[11:20] Her crotch is right behind his head, though.

Hallie Haglund

[11:22] But then there's also this weird rock that they can go under that holds them in one position.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] Yeah.

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:28] There's like a rock that curves over them to create a ceiling.

[11:32] And it's not magic.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] It's just like a little room.

Stuart Wellington

[11:36] If you've been wanting to see Kristen Dunst make a almost upside down kiss ever since Spider-Man 1?

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] Spider-Man 1, yeah.

[11:45] Okay.

[11:45] Well, this movie kind of delivers on that.

[11:47] It's called Spider-Man.

[11:48] But Spider-Man did win in it, right?

[11:49] Yeah, he did win.

[11:51] Correct.

[11:51] He beat the Green Goblin.

[11:52] Yeah, the Green Goblin totally got a goblin glider right through his sternum.

Dan McCoy

[11:56] Fair enough.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] Yeah, but you get a somewhat upside down kiss in this one.

Dan McCoy

[12:00] Yeah, but Hallie pointed out, yeah, Kristen Dunst just wants upside down kiss projects.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] Yeah, she loves that on the vehicle.

[12:06] She wants upside down kiss projects or two planets too close to each other projects, like

[12:10] Melancholia.

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:12] The movie that asks the question, how late is too late to serve dinner to wedding guests?

[12:16] Is 2 a.m. too late?

[12:18] Because I think so.

[12:19] The guests are getting restless.

[12:21] And also...

[12:21] And soon your wedding's going to be guestless.

Hallie Haglund

[12:23] What was wrong with that in that movie?

[12:24] You better check the guest list.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] It's Nipsey Russell all of a sudden.

[12:29] Yeah?

[12:29] What's up, Hallie?

Hallie Haglund

[12:30] No, I was just going to talk more about Melancholia.

[12:32] She was depressed.

[12:33] Well, I mean, but come on.

[12:35] Did it have sex with that other person at your wedding reception?

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] Yeah, I mean, it was a sign of depression, I guess.

[12:42] I guess so.

Dan McCoy

[12:43] Some people just gotta get it, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[12:45] It's just like Sonny and the Godfather, but I guess it wasn't his wedding.

Dan McCoy

[12:50] She's having fun hanging out naked near rivers?

[12:53] I forgot about that part.

[12:54] I mean, come on.

[12:55] Just live in the life, guys.

[12:57] Mm-hmm.

[12:59] Live in the life.

[12:59] Yep, just being naked.

[13:00] Why are you looking at me?

[13:01] That's what happens to me.

[13:02] You know what I'm talking about.

[13:03] You're looking at me weird, Dan.

[13:05] He knows what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[13:07] Anyway, the cops see them.

[13:09] It's against the law for people from the two worlds to mingle.

[13:12] And certainly not to fall in love.

[13:14] And so the cops see them and they shoot them.

[13:16] They just start blasting, man.

[13:17] They just start blasting guns.

[13:18] They don't even say stop.

[13:19] They just start blasting.

[13:20] In a very confusingly shot sequence where I really wasn't sure what planet the cops were.

[13:23] were on.

[13:24] But Kristen Dunst.

[13:25] And I'm still not sure.

[13:26] Yeah.

[13:27] Kristen Dump falls.

[13:30] It's not derogatory.

[13:31] It's hard to say Dunst all the time.

[13:33] Anyway, Dunst and checks in, falls, and hits her head and loses her memory.

[13:38] Ten years later.

[13:39] They are the same age, roughly.

[13:41] They look exactly the same.

[13:42] They look exactly the same.

[13:43] But they don't know each other anymore.

[13:45] Adam, the boy, works at a repair shop.

[13:47] But he is figuring out a way to make an anti-wrinkle cream out of the pink bee goo that gets turned into pancakes, usually.

[13:56] So this is stupid.

[13:57] And so...

[13:58] Let me explain it.

Dan McCoy

[13:58] The bee goo, you put it on your wrinkly bits and it lifts them up so you're not wrinkly anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] Because it's attracted to the gravity of the other planet.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] But that doesn't...

[14:08] Like, just because it lifts it up doesn't mean that skin isn't floppy.

[14:11] You gotta top that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] No.

[14:11] It totally makes you look young.

[14:13] Okay.

[14:13] Like happens later in the movie.

[14:14] All right.

[14:14] It slenderizes you somehow, too?

[14:16] Now, if this was a better movie, he would use that stuff to change his face so he had a disguise.

[14:21] Oh.

[14:21] But this is not a better movie.

[14:23] So instead, he decides to sell the rights to Transworld, the one corporation in the world that has a skyscraper that connects the two planets and that everybody works at or is oppressed by.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] And he gets a job there in their endless room of cubicles where people work on the floor and the ceiling.

[14:42] We've also seen that...

Stuart Wellington

[14:43] There's no papers being thrown back and forth or...

Hallie Haglund

[14:46] Yeah, there's that one...

[14:47] There isn't one scene.

[14:48] There's that one...

[14:49] You know, they have the...

[14:51] They use one of those old people claws.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:53] Exactly.

[14:53] That hands paper to people.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] You'd think they just move the floors a little bit closer together to facilitate work?

[14:59] But I guess not.

[15:00] They tried that once and people just kept bumping their heads.

Hallie Haglund

[15:02] And I don't understand...

[15:02] Oh, good point.

[15:03] I don't understand why the file could go between planets.

Dan McCoy

[15:06] Yeah.

[15:07] Well, this is an interesting thing.

[15:09] Or not interesting, but stupid.

[15:11] Some of the matter between planets, like falls back between planets and is affected by the

[15:16] gravity of that planet.

[15:17] And some of it, you hand between planets and, oh, that's okay.

[15:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] Now...

[15:21] It doesn't catch on fire is what you're saying.

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] Now, Kristen Dunst has no memory of him.

[15:26] And she just likes to while away her days dancing at the Cafe Dos Mundos.

[15:31] It means two worlds.

[15:32] Two worlds.

[15:33] When people dance on the floor and guess what they're also doing?

[15:36] Dancing on the ceiling.

[15:39] Oh, what a feeling.

[15:42] When you're dancing on the ceiling.

[15:44] When you're dancing on the ceiling.

[15:45] Ceiling's not a place that you usually dance.

[15:48] But you start to dance.

[15:50] And you can't help but dance.

[15:51] Take a chance.

[15:53] Dance on that ceiling.

[15:54] It's such a feeling.

[15:56] I'll tell you you'll be kneeling.

[15:59] Don't go kneeling to kings.

Dan McCoy

[16:02] For the second time, I am not coming to your musical improv show.

[16:05] I refuse.

[16:05] You should totally, though.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] It's called duets.

[16:10] Hallie and I make up a song.

[16:12] We don't know ahead of time what the song's going to be or even what it's going to be about.

Hallie Haglund

[16:15] Yeah, and it doesn't usually go very well, but it's just like a feeling.

Elliott Kalan

[16:19] When it does go well, it's magic.

[16:20] Hey, let's try it again.

[16:21] Let's start one off and we'll do it.

Hallie Haglund

[16:22] We watched a movie.

[16:26] It was groovy.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] And then there's a thing we saw.

[16:32] Truvy.

[16:33] The star of Stephen Rennel.

[16:34] Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[16:36] Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] Oh, I forgot they did that.

[16:39] Well, we do it better.

[16:40] Anyway, so we totally don't.

[16:42] So he gets a job at this corporation.

[16:45] And it's also the corporation that Kirk and Munz works at.

[16:48] His ex-girlfriend.

Hallie Haglund

[16:50] And if you'll remember, corporations are people.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] So it's like they're inside of giant people.

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] And the person exists on two planets at once.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] Yeah, it's the flash of two worlds.

[17:00] Anyway.

Hallie Haglund

[17:01] What's that person's secret?

[17:02] That's what the point of the movie is.

[17:06] I don't think so.

[17:06] I like your style.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] Anyway, he befriends a guy named Bob who lives on the upper world.

[17:12] What about Bob?

[17:13] Well, let me tell you what about Bob.

[17:15] He lives on the upper world, for instance.

[17:17] He's not Bill Murray.

[17:17] He loves burgers.

[17:18] He loves stamps.

[17:19] And in exchange for stamps, he helps Adam get some clothing from upper world so that he can go up to upper world and ask out Crispin Gunz on a date.

[17:29] All right.

Hallie Haglund

[17:30] So back to the stamps thing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] You had some strong opinions.

Hallie Haglund

[17:33] It's never made clear.

[17:35] It's never clearly articulated that he is a stamp collector.

[17:39] There's one brief scene where a stamp box is passed off from one to the other.

[17:45] There might have been a piece of it.

[17:46] And he looks happy.

[17:47] But we had to look up on Wikipedia that he was a stamp collector.

[17:51] He's cramping for stamps.

Elliott Kalan

[17:53] I'm willing to bet that they mentioned at once some point the stamps and we just missed it because we were busy saying, what is with this movie?

[18:00] It doesn't make sense.

[18:01] What's going on?

[18:02] How did this happen?

[18:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] But he is bonkers for stamps.

[18:06] Just having some stamps from the other world.

[18:08] Enough to break the law.

Elliott Kalan

[18:09] Enough to break the only law.

[18:12] God's law?

[18:13] God's law.

Stuart Wellington

[18:13] Robots aren't allowed to kill humans?

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] That's not the law.

[18:18] Okay.

[18:18] Robots are allowed.

[18:20] Robots have to kill humans.

[18:21] No kissing on the mouth.

[18:22] He is the law.

[18:23] No kissing on the mouth.

[18:25] Okay.

[18:26] The law is stay on your planet.

[18:29] Oh.

[18:29] Okay.

[18:30] And he helps Adam not stay on his planet.

[18:34] But as a result, Bob.

[18:36] Wait, is the other?

[18:37] She's not called Eve, is she?

[18:38] No, it's called Eden.

[18:39] Her name is Eden.

[18:39] Oh, God.

[18:40] Because Adam's trying to get back into Eden, if you know what I mean.

[18:42] Oh, God.

[18:42] Yep.

[18:43] Get it?

[18:43] All up in her.

[18:44] Get it?

[18:44] Oh.

Hallie Haglund

[18:45] Get it?

[18:45] I thought they wanted to say Eve, but they were like, that's too on the nose.

[18:48] We'll say Eden.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] I bet that's probably what happens.

Stuart Wellington

[18:50] She lives on the nice planet.

[18:52] Let's call her Eden.

Elliott Kalan

[18:53] I mean, they almost go as far as having the villain boss named like Mr. Snake or something

[18:58] like that.

[18:58] They totally should have done that.

[19:00] He's always eating apples.

[19:03] So Bob helps him out.

[19:05] But as a result, Bob gets fired for breaking rules.

[19:10] And Adam sneaks up to the upper world and reveals himself.

Hallie Haglund

[19:15] Yet oddly they don't fire Adam.

Elliott Kalan

[19:16] Because they don't know he caused the trouble.

[19:18] Well, how do they know that Bob was involved?

[19:22] Because Adam used Bob's name when he started breaking rules.

Hallie Haglund

[19:25] Ah, when he went to go see Kirsten Dunst.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] Yeah, when he started breaking hearts and making farts.

[19:31] He used Bob's name.

[19:32] I don't remember what happened.

[19:33] That's how he propelled himself into the other world.

Hallie Haglund

[19:35] But I think this gives us an opportunity to talk about the first time he got in trouble

[19:39] when he went to the other world, which was caused by an urge to go to the bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] Oh yeah, that's true.

[19:47] So he's wearing a suit of lead things that let him stay up in the upper world.

[19:53] Yeah.

[19:54] He's trying to hit on Kirsten Dunst, but she doesn't remember who he is.

[19:56] And she says at one point, I don't know why you're telling me all this.

[20:00] And he goes...

Hallie Haglund

[20:02] Which was the only real sentence in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] Yeah, it was when...

Hallie Haglund

[20:07] It was what I was wondering the whole time.

[20:08] I was really saying what the audience is saying.

[20:09] I don't know why you're telling me this.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] And they go, he runs to the bathroom to hide.

[20:15] Oh, his shirt is starting to burn through because he's wearing some stuff from upper world.

[20:20] Oh, from lower world.

Dan McCoy

[20:21] So apparently this burning thing is not as I predicted it would be.

[20:24] It's just a lie to keep the worlds apart.

[20:26] However, I think that is the only time we see the burning actually happening.

[20:29] No, no, because his shoes burn later.

[20:31] Oh, okay.

[20:31] There's some other stuff that burns.

[20:33] But it seems like it's very erratic.

[20:34] Just like with the matter going between worlds.

[20:37] It happens whenever the screenplay needs it to.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] Yeah, but Dan, everybody burns sometimes.

[20:45] It's inaccurate.

[20:46] Those are the words to the song, right?

[20:47] So what was burning?

[20:48] It wasn't an REM song.

[20:50] It was an HEM song.

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] Was it the weights he was wearing that was burning?

[20:53] Yeah, what's from the other world?

[20:54] Because the weights were from the upper world.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] I think he was wearing a shirt from lower world.

[20:59] Why didn't he not wear the shirt then?

[21:01] Why didn't he get a shirt from upper world?

Hallie Haglund

[21:03] Maybe the vest that the weights were put into.

[21:05] Because remember that guy from the other world made that vest.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] Oh, okay.

[21:08] Oh, right.

[21:09] Okay.

[21:10] That's a good point.

[21:11] So it was something he was wearing.

[21:12] Anyway, he runs to the bathroom to cool off the heat.

[21:15] And he has to pretend.

[21:16] By taking a hobo bath in the bathroom.

[21:18] In the sink.

[21:19] Yeah.

[21:19] And a guy walks in and goes,

[21:21] Uh-oh, I better pretend I'm using the toilet,

[21:22] even though he just saw me at the sink washing my hands.

[21:25] And he starts peeing.

[21:26] But, uh-oh, his pee is drawn back to the planet he came from.

[21:30] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[21:31] But it wasn't just like he had to pretend to pee.

[21:33] Like, he had to pee a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[21:34] He almost peed in his own face.

Dan McCoy

[21:36] Yeah.

[21:36] So he peed a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] He was just like that video of the chimp that pees in his own mouth.

Dan McCoy

[21:40] The pee, because of weird gravity, goes straight up.

[21:44] Electric yellow pee.

[21:45] Then it starts dripping back down for some reason.

[21:48] No, no, no.

[21:48] There's the pee alarm.

[21:50] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[21:51] Then, yeah, it spreads along the ceiling.

[21:53] And they've got a pee alarm on the ceiling.

[21:56] Just for this exact scenario.

[21:57] In case any downwinders are sneaking to use the bathroom

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] and start peeing all over the ceiling.

[22:03] When you're peeing on the ceiling.

[22:05] She's drinking a bit.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Feeling.

Hallie Haglund

[22:08] I can't stop peeing because I'm peeing on the ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] Anyway, that's what the song was originally about.

[22:15] So the urine alarm goes off.

[22:17] So the urine alarm goes off.

[22:18] And the pee, like you said, Stuart, is bright yellow.

[22:20] It's like he cracked open a highlighter and just started drinking it.

[22:24] He was not very hydrated.

[22:25] Somebody dared him to drink out of a glow stick.

Stuart Wellington

[22:28] In Downworld, Ecto Cooler is still sold.

Elliott Kalan

[22:31] It's the only thing they have to drink.

[22:33] So he almost gets caught and he runs back down.

[22:36] There's a lot of Mishagos.

[22:38] Anyway, eventually, he does get caught.

[22:41] Finish, Stuart.

[22:41] He reunites with Kristen Dunst, whose memory comes back.

[22:45] He gets in trouble and he's on the run from the cops.

[22:48] They go dancing.

[22:48] They go on a date.

[22:49] It's really stupid.

[22:51] The cops chase him out of the club.

[22:52] He goes back to Downworld and he figures that –

Stuart Wellington

[22:55] Meanwhile, he smears some pink shit all over an old lady's face and she looks young again.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:00] Well, his magic beauty cream is working great and they really want it.

[23:04] But they don't want it so much that they'll let him get away with going to Upper World.

[23:08] And so he goes back to Downworld and they say to him – and they arrest Kristen Dunst for –

[23:13] Kristen Dunst and him have sex floating in the midair.

[23:16] We don't get to see that though.

[23:18] We don't see it.

[23:18] We just see them making out forever.

[23:19] There's no penetration.

[23:21] And then the police come by.

[23:22] Did we mention that she has amnesia?

Hallie Haglund

[23:24] We mentioned that she has amnesia.

[23:25] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] She had amnesia but she lost her amnesia.

[23:28] Oh, what a feeling when you lost your amnesia on the ceiling.

Hallie Haglund

[23:34] It's like a freesia, which is a kind of drink, I think.

Dan McCoy

[23:38] I don't know.

[23:39] Parisiia?

[23:40] I don't think that you actually didn't make it clear.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] It's like Uruguayan barbecue Parisiia.

[23:45] Yeah.

[23:45] When you lose your amnesia.

[23:48] Kirsten Dunst.

Hallie Haglund

[23:48] You better not have a seizure because you just lost your amnesia.

[23:53] Live life.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] Kirsten Dunst didn't just forget Jim Sturges.

[23:58] She was hit on the head.

[24:00] She had amnesia.

[24:01] And then she loses the hit on the head.

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] I think she hit her head against a piece of rock.

[24:05] There was blood.

[24:06] That is not useful to information.

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] List.

[24:10] As if that changed things.

[24:11] No.

[24:12] It's like Wolverine at the end of X-Men Origins where he loses his memory because he gets shot in the head with a bullet against his adamantium skull.

[24:18] She hits her head on a rock, loses her memory, and then it just comes back later because I guess she recognizes him over time.

[24:25] I don't think she hits her head again.

Hallie Haglund

[24:27] No, because she remembers at the scene where he's on stage making the woman's face go up.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] Well, she had a dream, though, before that where she kind of vaguely remembered him.

Dan McCoy

[24:36] The point is it wasn't cured in the normal way, which is to have a coconut falling in.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] Yeah, because the gravity would have brought the coconut back to the other world.

[24:43] She would have let go of it and it would have just flown up back into the sky.

Hallie Haglund

[24:46] Someone would have had to pee against the coconut.

Elliott Kalan

[24:49] Had to push it back down, yeah.

[24:51] At such amazing force that it would hit her head hard enough, the physics would be astounding.

[24:56] I mean, it's possible.

[24:58] Theoretically.

[24:59] It's just fairly possible.

[25:01] In theory, but it's never been done until now.

[25:03] It's never been proven.

[25:05] It's too dangerous.

[25:08] So anyway.

[25:08] You might get urine on you.

[25:10] He resolves to go back to Bottom World because he realizes that he's endangering her, but she's going to go to jail.

[25:15] They drop the charges, but then he's kidnapped and they say.

[25:18] It turns out when he gave them his magic beauty cream formula, he left out the pink dust made out of bee goo that makes it work.

[25:27] And so they say, give us the secret ingredient or else we'll kill you, I guess, and we'll throw her back in jail.

[25:34] And he's like, oh, what am I going to do?

[25:36] Oh, no.

[25:38] But then Kristen Dunst just kind of goes to Bob's house and says, like, I remember, make me a suit so I can go visit him.

[25:44] And then Bob figures out how to make the pink goo on his own based off of what.

Hallie Haglund

[25:48] No, he sends him those flowers.

[25:50] Oh, right.

[25:51] And then she takes the flowers to him.

[25:52] Oh, good point.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] Adam sent Eden flowers.

[25:56] That's right.

[25:57] Because you're not allowed to go from downworld to upworld, but I guess you can deliver packages from one to the other.

[26:03] That's right.

[26:03] He gives her flowers with the goo in it and she gives the goo to Bob and he figures out how to make the goo and makes a floating blob with a goldfish in it.

[26:12] Yeah.

[26:12] And they just are reunited.

Dan McCoy

[26:14] I guess the goo stabilizes Kirsten Dunst because she goes down and she's able to hang out with him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] Well, and she announces that she's pregnant with twins, so it's perhaps that she's weighted down by his babies inside of her.

[26:26] She's got two half-bloods in her.

[26:28] So is she going to give birth and then, like, rocket back to her own planet?

[26:30] That sounds hilarious.

[26:31] The baby being pushed out is going to propel her back into space.

[26:34] No, they'll smear her with that pink goo.

[26:37] But anyway, it literally ends with...

Hallie Haglund

[26:39] She's going to be smeared in plenty of pink goo.

[26:41] No, it's messy business giving birth.

Elliott Kalan

[26:44] Anyway, so they kiss and he says something about, like, that pink stuff, it wasn't just a new product.

[26:54] It was a revolution.

[26:55] But that's a story for a different time.

[26:57] And then we see that suddenly Downworld has all these, you know, rich buildings too.

[27:02] And everyone is, you know, fine and everybody loves each other.

[27:07] And kids are playing tri-D basketball.

[27:09] And somehow...

Hallie Haglund

[27:10] And a tri-D pool, which looks very dangerous.

[27:13] Yeah.

[27:13] Because it's basically just water all around.

[27:16] There's no...

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] Yeah, do you dive up or down or what's going on?

[27:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Yeah, but the movie...

[27:21] I do like the fact that the movie cuts off at the end being like...

[27:25] Basically, the movie expressly says,

[27:27] Uh, somehow our twins saved the world, but we're not going to tell you about it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] It's almost like the movie just stopped and went,

[27:34] Yadda, Yadda, you get the drill, et cetera.

[27:36] You know how this goes.

Dan McCoy

[27:37] Love heals everything, whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[27:39] Clearly, it's setting up a sequel.

[27:43] Downside Up?

[27:44] Yeah, Downside Up, where there's two babies that can bounce back and forth between the worlds.

Elliott Kalan

[27:50] They could have called World Walkers.

Stuart Wellington

[27:52] They're called...

[27:52] It's Downside Up 2, World Walkers.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] And it turns out there's an...

[27:56] They're like Thing 2 and Thing 1.

[27:58] There's an ancient prophecy.

Stuart Wellington

[27:59] Ancient prophecy.

[28:00] There's a dragon and there's a reformed racist guy who's like,

[28:04] I don't believe in you World Walkers.

[28:05] But then at the end of the movie when they save him from a rebel's bullet,

[28:09] he's like, oh, you World Walkers are okay.

[28:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] Dad, dad, god dang it, I didn't like them, but now I love them.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] So get on that.

[28:17] He lives in a shack.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] He lives in an anti-gravity shack.

[28:22] So this movie, let's just say this at the beginning, to say something positive.

[28:26] It's a beautiful looking movie.

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:27] It's gorgeously shot, almost too much so because it becomes static.

[28:31] But it's a series of...

[28:32] It's like playing the game Myst.

[28:34] Everything looks beautiful, even though it is dramatically inert and boring.

[28:37] Yeah, and I would say...

[28:38] It makes no sense.

Dan McCoy

[28:39] It would definitely be better as a video game.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:42] For a...

[28:43] We call it Bioshock, Upside Down.

[28:45] For a movie that's like all CGI, basically.

[28:48] Like, I've seen a lot of CGI movies.

[28:51] They didn't build all these sets where they're upside down.

[28:53] Wait, those weren't real people?

Hallie Haglund

[28:54] I thought that was shot in China.

[28:55] I thought that was The Majesty of China.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] I thought that was The Majesty of China.

Stuart Wellington

[29:01] That is the ancient Chinese...

[29:04] I'll shut up.

[29:04] I need secret.

[29:05] Dan, say what you were going to say.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] No, I just...

[29:07] You know, like...

[29:08] I think that all CGI movies often look really antiseptic and boring at this point.

[29:13] But this movie still looks fairly pretty.

[29:16] It looks very pretty.

[29:17] And has a certain amount of groundedness for what it is.

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] The lighting feels false.

[29:23] But that actually might fit.

[29:24] Because if you consider two planets that close to each other...

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:28] There'd be no sunlight.

[29:29] There'd be no natural light.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] Well, but here's the thing also is that...

[29:32] We brought up the point while we were watching it.

[29:34] What is happening on the rest of the planets that is not right next to each other.

[29:37] Like, there's...

[29:38] It's a whole planet.

[29:39] On the other side of it, there's something going on.

[29:40] But this is an allegory.

[29:42] It's not real.

[29:43] It's not a straight science fiction story.

[29:44] Yeah, and why don't they ever rotate away from each other?

[29:46] They're locked in a gravity trance.

[29:48] A death grip.

[29:49] Because they love each other so much.

[29:50] But this is a...

[29:51] Because this is a fairy tale.

[29:52] This is not science fiction, but fantasy.

[29:55] And it's making a point about people.

[29:57] Which is that, hey, let's not be haters.

[30:00] Sure.

[30:00] And that inequality exists in the world.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] Yeah, but because this movie is bad.

[30:04] You can't get that.

[30:05] You can't help but think about everything.

[30:07] You start wondering about...

[30:08] About the logic of it.

[30:09] Like the fact, as Hallie said, normally planets have their own orbits.

[30:12] These two are apparently locked together.

[30:14] Which maybe I would buy, but they're locked together so tightly that you can literally build a tower between the planets that connects up.

Stuart Wellington

[30:22] They're so close that he falls from one ocean to the other ocean, and he's totally fine.

[30:27] Just a little cold.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:31] Now, Elliot, you love Romeo and Juliet, the Baz Luhrmann production.

[30:36] Oh, love it.

[30:37] And this is basically a Romeo and Juliet story.

Elliott Kalan

[30:39] I feel like Baz Luhrmann took a terrible play and made it watchable.

[30:42] Yeah.

[30:42] Yeah, no, this is...

[30:43] It's like you were saying in the beginning, Stuart, when we watched the movie, that the planets are like Montagon and Capulon and Montague 6.

[30:51] Like, it's Romeo and Juliet, but the rivalry between the two planets is so undernourished.

[30:58] Like, it's so poorly set up.

[31:00] It's just like, hey, rich people up there, poor people down here.

[31:04] What are you going to do about it?

[31:05] Hey, we can't be together for some reason.

Hallie Haglund

[31:06] You never honestly meet any people who care about these people enough to, like, feed a feud like the Capulets and Montague.

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] Well, it's kind of like...

[31:15] It's like the same problem you see in, like, V for Vendetta or even Scarlet Letter, which is, like, everyone lives by these Ironbound rules, but nobody seems to like them or care about them.

[31:25] Yeah.

[31:25] So, like, every character...

[31:26] Like, when Crispin finds out that Adam is from Downworld, she...

[31:34] I guess when she, like...

[31:35] Because she has amnesia, like, she should be disgusted.

[31:38] Crispin?

[31:39] Like, you say...

[31:39] You know, Crispin Gunst.

Dan McCoy

[31:41] Oh, I was thinking of Crispin Glover.

Elliott Kalan

[31:43] Wait, Crispin Glover was in this?

[31:45] No, it wasn't.

[31:46] No, no.

[31:47] When Crispin...

[31:48] Kirstin...

[31:49] It's hard to say Kirstin.

[31:51] When she finds...

[31:52] Like, there should be some moment where she's like,

[31:54] I couldn't be in love with a Downworlder.

[31:56] No, no, no.

[31:56] That's impossible.

[31:57] But instead, like...

Dan McCoy

[31:58] Their stuff is on sideways.

Elliott Kalan

[32:00] I hear their penises work backwards.

[32:04] And then hamburgers eat people.

[32:06] I have some bad news for you, Elliot.

[32:07] What?

[32:10] I don't know what that bad news could be.

Stuart Wellington

[32:13] Hamburgers eating people would be terrible.

[32:16] It would just eat your face off.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] Well, the question would be, why are you making hamburgers if they're trying to eat you?

Stuart Wellington

[32:21] You don't make them.

[32:21] It's not like hamburgers.

[32:22] They're forged in a laboratory somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[32:24] Hamburgers are not a naturally occurring object.

[32:26] They're forged in a laboratory?

[32:27] Yeah, you gotta put on your welder's gauntlets.

[32:30] Put some ground beef on an anvil.

[32:32] Just a guy hammering beef on an...

[32:33] He just ate that hamburger.

Hallie Haglund

[32:34] That test tube hamburger.

[32:36] Don't act like the world's not coming to that.

[32:38] Is hamburgers eating people?

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:41] Wake up, everybody.

[32:43] I was imagining like a hamburger bun that operated like a mouth.

[32:47] I think you mean it would be more like a hamburger blob that absorbs people.

Hallie Haglund

[32:50] Oh.

[32:51] I was imagining talking on a hamburger phone and then it starts eating your face.

[32:57] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[32:57] Because that's where you're at your most vulnerable is when you're on the phone.

Hallie Haglund

[33:00] I know.

[33:01] Especially when you're revealing a secret.

Stuart Wellington

[33:05] I'm really scared of my phone.

Hallie Haglund

[33:09] Is it the secret?

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] The hamburger bun that knows that already.

[33:12] Yeah, yeah.

[33:12] It laps it up.

Hallie Haglund

[33:14] You should have gotten some distance from the phone before you revealed that secret.

Elliott Kalan

[33:17] Don't you dare?

[33:18] Put that speaker phone and get to the other side of the room.

[33:20] Now, the question I have is if it's a hamburger phone biting you, is it a hamburger eating

[33:23] you or a phone eating you?

[33:26] It's both.

[33:27] It's not like they took a hamburger and plugged a cord in it and now it's a phone.

Stuart Wellington

[33:31] No, that would be silly.

[33:32] But the idea of making a phone that you can eat, that makes a lot of sense right now.

Elliott Kalan

[33:35] It does because what if you get hungry while you're on a long call?

[33:38] Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is

[33:40] the rules in this movie are very arbitrary.

[33:42] Both the physics rules and the rules the society is governed by.

Dan McCoy

[33:45] Well, that's the other thing that I wanted to bring up is like, again, I know it's allegorical,

[33:49] but it's a little weird to be like, okay, well, we got rich planet and poor planet.

[33:53] And you're kind of like, what?

Hallie Haglund

[33:54] And they're literally called up, capital U, and down, capital D.

[34:00] Like, those are the names of the planet.

[34:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:02] And like, what are the economics of living on like a whole planet that is just like poor

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] shacks?

[34:09] Hey, we're going to find out because of climate change.

[34:11] Yeah.

[34:11] And when Elysium goes up in the sky.

[34:13] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] Don't worry, guys.

[34:15] Go see Elysium a couple weeks ago when this airs.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] Yeah, it's, it's, I wish that it was not gravity planets, or if it was that they had not,

[34:27] the scope of it.

Dan McCoy

[34:27] Or the movie was called Gravity Planets.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] It was called Gravity Planets.

[34:30] And it's about a basketball team called the Gravity Planets.

[34:34] And the thing is, like, the scope of it is so weird, because it's like, these entire planets

[34:38] are right next to each other.

[34:40] But there's like five people that we see, basically.

Stuart Wellington

[34:43] And every conversation anybody has is about either specifically the plot or the fact that

[34:50] there's these two planets.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:51] At one point, one of the guys says to the main character, one of the other downworlds,

[34:54] is like, stop always talking, you're always talking about upworld.

[34:57] Why are we always trying to think about upworld?

[34:59] It's like, well, that's the only thing that anybody talks about ever.

Hallie Haglund

[35:02] Yeah, you know, we could have used, like, a scene where they all go to the bar and just

[35:07] hang out in downworld.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:08] And they're like, let's play some pool.

[35:10] And then they play some pool.

[35:11] And then they're like, well, let's play some ping pong.

[35:14] And then they play some ping pong.

[35:16] Basically, we needed more games in this movie, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] Probably.

[35:20] You know, something we could bet on.

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:23] No, but we would, it would have been better if there were more scenes of characters just

[35:27] existing in their worlds.

[35:29] And, and less of like, it's weird.

[35:31] The plot weirdly moves.

[35:33] It's like a slow, boring movie that also moves too fast.

[35:37] Like, you're just introduced to a character.

[35:39] And then like 10 minutes later, they're crying because the police are pulling their great

[35:42] aunt away.

[35:43] Yeah, the name is so mad.

[35:43] And it's like, I'm totally, like you said, you're like, I'm not invested in these characters

[35:47] yet.

[35:47] Like, what are you doing?

Stuart Wellington

[35:48] And it's like a huge music swell.

[35:50] And you're like, this isn't worth it.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Well, also like, we're to believe that these two characters are so in love that they have

[35:56] to find each other years ago, years later, when all we've seen them do is like hop around

[36:00] the forest on each other's shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] It's basically like they meet as kids.

[36:03] Then suddenly they're teenagers and they're hopping around.

[36:07] And then that's it.

[36:07] We get two scenes of their relationship.

[36:09] And so it's like, yeah, these are history's greatest lovers.

[36:12] This is Antony and Cleopatra right here.

[36:14] They're going to bring two planets together.

[36:15] Oh, right here.

[36:16] This is Scott Summers and Jean Grey.

[36:18] They're just faded to be together.

Hallie Haglund

[36:19] Neither of them are interesting, but their love might be.

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] They have the kind of love that you see in like people who live, like they just have regular

[36:28] jobs.

[36:29] Maybe they meet through the internet.

[36:30] Maybe they meet at a friend's birthday party.

[36:32] They have a couple dates.

[36:34] They hit it off like eight months later.

[36:36] You know what?

[36:36] This is getting pretty serious.

[36:37] Maybe we should move in together.

[36:38] Like a year later, they're engaged and then they get married and that's their life.

[36:42] Like it's not, it's not a tempestuous, passionate love.

Stuart Wellington

[36:45] Wouldn't you know it, like he goes through all this trouble to bang her one time and of

[36:50] course she gets fucking pregnant, dude.

[36:52] That's crazy.

[36:53] With twins?

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] It's a real teen mom issue.

[36:55] Oh boy.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] Now you've been down a whole planet.

[36:59] First off, use a condom, bro.

Hallie Haglund

[37:01] They used a condom.

[37:02] That's the problem.

[37:03] Oh wow.

[37:03] But the condom was from the down world.

[37:05] So when it got inside her, it was like.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] It just folds right off.

[37:09] Yeah.

[37:10] So then that's just ricocheting around inside her womb.

[37:12] Exactly.

[37:13] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] Here's the thing.

[37:14] She spits out a Coney Island whitefish the next day.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] What?

[37:18] What?

[37:19] I don't even know what, I don't know and don't want to know what that phrase means.

[37:26] Stuart, you are a wealth of horrible phrases.

[37:28] You're just a treasure trove of things I've never heard before.

[37:33] Look, it's a movie.

[37:34] You are a horrible national treasure.

[37:36] Everyone knows when you have sex in a movie, you get pregnant.

[37:39] It's called Danny's Law from Caddyshack.

[37:42] Sure.

[37:43] Where the woman gets pregnant and then is forgotten for the rest of the movie pretty much.

Dan McCoy

[37:47] So, look.

[37:50] It's time to wrap this thing up.

[37:52] It's time to tie a little bit.

[37:52] Wrap it up in a gravity bow.

[37:54] This is the part of the movie where we make our final judgments.

[37:58] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like?

[38:01] Hallie, why don't you start us off?

Hallie Haglund

[38:03] It's a bad, bad movie.

[38:05] I wished I was just hanging out with you guys when I watched the movie.

[38:11] Hey, guess what?

[38:12] You're doing it.

[38:13] You're doing it right now.

[38:13] Hey!

[38:13] It was worth it then.

Elliott Kalan

[38:14] My favorite part of Hallie watching the movie was it was really dramatic and Hallie was like,

[38:18] I really wanted more of a rom-com.

[38:20] And then suddenly the main character got really goofy and started doing lots of jokes and gags.

[38:24] And then peeing on the ceiling.

[38:25] Yeah, like peeing on the ceiling and just being like.

[38:27] Okay, I'll admit.

Hallie Haglund

[38:28] That was a good scene.

Elliott Kalan

[38:29] And being in like an absent-minded fuss budget.

[38:31] And suddenly it was like the movie heard Hallie and was like, change course, everybody.

Hallie Haglund

[38:35] I mean, I'm flattered that they were so attentive to my needs, but I still didn't like it.

[38:40] Sorry, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] I wanted a rom-com.

[38:42] This is a drum-com.

[38:43] It was really more of a crap-com.

[38:48] But the urine scene was pretty, like, it was so funny because we were watching it and he starts,

[38:53] you hear the pee sound effect and we were like, wait, but wouldn't it?

[38:56] And it starts floating up to the ceiling and we were like, oh no, movie.

[38:59] Oh no.

[39:00] It's the best urine going in the wrong place scene, I think, since Wolf.

Stuart Wellington

[39:04] I think I was most shocked at the fact that, like, the joke of him peeing on the ceiling isn't enough,

[39:09] that they also have to have a specific device that catches the pee on the ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] This has happened before.

[39:17] A lot of Downworlders have been sneaking into our bathroom because it's so much cleaner.

Hallie Haglund

[39:20] All for Kirsten Dunst because she was a total slut.

[39:23] She met, like, everyone on that mountain peak.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Wow.

[39:27] That's what you don't know.

Hallie Haglund

[39:27] Oh, sorry.

[39:28] I feel like I was too harsh on that.

Stuart Wellington

[39:31] But guys, he's probably pretty lucky he did a number one and not a number two, right?

[39:35] Oh, you better believe it.

[39:36] Oh, boy.

[39:37] Oh, boy.

[39:38] What, do you, like, ride that thing all the way back to his world?

Elliott Kalan

[39:43] That's the thing.

[39:44] He never...

[39:44] Slap a saddle on it.

[39:46] The police are chasing him.

[39:48] All he had to do was take a poop and then ride it back to his planet.

[39:52] Going, yee-haw!

[39:54] Just like Dr. Strangelove.

[39:56] Just like at the end.

[39:56] Exactly like Dr. Strangelove.

[39:58] Dr. Strangelove.

[40:00] Crashing towards the ground, waving his cowboy hat.

[40:03] His anti-grav cowboy hat.

[40:05] I called that poop stallion.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] We'll meet again.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] So, Dan, your final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[40:12] Black beauty.

Hallie Haglund

[40:13] I had eaten a lot of beans before that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] It was a bad movie.

[40:20] I can't say anything more.

[40:21] It was a bad movie, I say, too.

[40:23] Stuart, did you like it?

Stuart Wellington

[40:24] Yeah, it was a good, great movie, dude.

[40:27] No, it was not very good.

[40:28] He is a laid-back dude.

[40:29] It was bad.

[40:31] It was good, great.

[40:32] There was pictures.

[40:32] I liked it.

[40:33] No.

[40:34] Yeah, it was terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[40:37] It was an interesting gimmick that it didn't work out.

[40:40] Let's say that.

Stuart Wellington

[40:41] It was an obvious gimmick.

[40:42] I'm not going to do this recommendation justice, but if you like this idea at all, you should

[40:48] just go pick up City in the City by China Mieville, which is basically the idea of two cities kind

[40:54] of existing at once but weirdly bleeding into each other.

[40:57] It's significantly more interesting than this.

[41:00] Now, that's a book, though.

[41:01] That's a book, not a movie.

[41:02] So, if you like a movie in your mind, I beat you to it, McCoy.

[41:06] Not fast enough.

Dan McCoy

[41:08] Movie in your mind.

[41:09] Hey, before we move on to our letters, we are recording this a little early.

[41:15] We've got a few of these in the bank.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] We had to stockpile episodes because a bunch of us are going out of town.

[41:21] But by the time...

[41:22] Just Dan.

[41:23] And maybe out of this world.

[41:26] I discovered a planet with different gravity, and I'm going to go there and see if I can

[41:29] bang me some upside-down chicks.

[41:30] See how they do it up there.

Dan McCoy

[41:32] I hear they do it crazy stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] Yeah.

[41:34] Nutso.

[41:35] You don't know what direction you're in.

[41:37] Upside down.

Dan McCoy

[41:38] So, no.

[41:39] But hopefully...

Hallie Haglund

[41:41] They do it kitty style there.

[41:43] What is that?

[41:44] It's the opposite of doggy style.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Oh, they just lie in a sunbeam and not move?

[41:48] Kitty's the opposite of a dog?

[41:50] I didn't know that.

[41:51] Yeah.

[41:51] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] First off, you have to put in the movie Sleepwalkers.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] Kitty style is when you do it in a big box of sand.

Dan McCoy

[41:59] Sleepwalkers, Judge.

[42:00] Kitty style is like weird incestuous relationship between a mom cat and a boy cat.

[42:06] Now you're getting it.

[42:07] All right.

[42:08] But anyway, unless something has gone terribly wrong, we have t-shirts on sale now.

[42:14] Whoa.

[42:15] What?

[42:15] Space t-shirts.

[42:16] What?

[42:17] No, not space t-shirts.

[42:18] Earth t-shirts.

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:20] So, you don't...

[42:21] Stop getting out your space bucks.

[42:22] Pull out your cred stick.

[42:24] No.

[42:25] No.

[42:26] Put away your galactic creds.

[42:29] You can use normal money on this.

[42:31] If you go to Astoy Merchandise, which I believe you can reach directly through the All Things

[42:35] Comedy website, or you just Google Astoy Merchandise.

[42:38] Or go to AstoyMerchandise.com.

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] Google Astoy Merchandise.

[42:42] At that point, just tell them to Google Flophouse shirts.

[42:44] Anyway, go to AstoyMerchandise.com, E-S-T-O-Y Merchandise.com.

[42:49] And yeah, they should be up now.

[42:52] The first ever Flophouse t-shirts.

[42:54] They got our beautiful mugs on them and the name of the podcast.

[42:57] And they come in one amazing color.

Dan McCoy

[43:00] You guys have been asking for them, and so we finally caved in.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] So if you need something to wear to a graduation, the first time you meet your girlfriend's parents.

[43:07] A wedding.

[43:08] Your boyfriend's parents.

Elliott Kalan

[43:09] A funeral.

[43:10] Into space.

[43:11] Four weddings and a funeral.

[43:12] If you're going to the Bratziverse, that's the universe where the Bratz live.

Stuart Wellington

[43:15] If you're making some kind of weird shrine to murdering us.

[43:18] If you're going to be kidnapped by seven pounds.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:21] Any of those things.

[43:22] Or hey, look.

[43:23] You just want a good shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] Yeah.

[43:25] Yeah, I mean, to keep the elements off your body.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Yep.

[43:29] The sun's an element, right?

[43:33] Let's say yes.

[43:33] If you want something you can pull down to hide your wormy boner.

[43:38] By Flophouse.

[43:40] Things got weird.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Or there's something to pull down to hide your butt from Dan so he doesn't look at it and make a comment.

[43:45] And get a wormy boner.

Stuart Wellington

[43:47] This is the time of the night where Dan cracks open a giant bag full of letters.

Elliott Kalan

[43:52] What would that be called?

Dan McCoy

[43:54] The Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

[43:57] Hallie?

[43:58] The Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[44:01] It's a mailbag full of letters.

[44:05] Not movies.

[44:07] Just letters.

Hallie Haglund

[44:08] You're not going to find any fetters.

Stuart Wellington

[44:13] Yeah, make it louder, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] Anyway, let me show you how it's done, Hallie.

Stuart Wellington

[44:18] Me, me, me, me.

[44:20] Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Elliott Kalan

[44:22] Can I get a high C?

[44:24] Okay, great.

[44:25] Flophouse letters.

[44:28] Here's some Flophouse letters.

[44:31] Take off your fetters.

[44:33] Flophouse letters.

[44:35] Letters for the Flophouse.

[44:37] I'm just a letter looking for the Flophouse.

[44:41] Where can it be?

[44:42] Where can I find it?

[44:44] Dan McCoy.

[44:46] Care of the Flophouse.

[44:48] One, two, three.

[44:49] Flop Street.

[44:50] Any town you say.

[44:53] Earth.

[44:54] Milky Way.

[44:55] Why are you blaming me, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[44:58] I feel like you cued this.

[45:00] The first letter is from Chad, last name withheld.

[45:04] He says.

[45:05] It's Chad Lowe.

[45:06] I only started the podcast at the beginning of April.

Hallie Haglund

[45:07] Chad, the African country.

[45:09] Obviously.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] Following.

[45:11] They all got together.

[45:13] Following a visit to my brother's place where he introduced me to the podcast.

[45:16] I'm already finished with the first 70 episodes.

[45:20] I absolutely love the characters on the podcast.

[45:23] Wait, characters?

[45:24] I absolutely love the characters on the podcast.

[45:26] You mean the people.

[45:28] He says.

[45:29] Sighing Dan is a strong character.

[45:31] No one remembers his birthday.

[45:32] Is that why he's sighing?

[45:34] Or is there more trouble in the relationship with the wife?

[45:36] We always hear that Dan is married, but we never get to hear much about her.

[45:40] Well, that would be weird.

[45:41] Does the pressure make him sigh?

[45:43] Is he satisfied with his life?

[45:44] He's producing a kick-ass podcast with virtually nothing more than an old rotary form and some copper wire.

[45:49] He's still not satisfied.

[45:50] The suspense is killing me.

[45:51] Will Dan get the recognition he deserves?

[45:53] Will he overcome the cold that holds him back in episode number 70?

[45:56] I assume he does because the podcast continues and Dan is the only number two appear in every episode.

[46:03] Elliot is also an interesting character.

[46:04] Oh, thank you.

[46:05] A veritable computer who wore tennis shoes with his encyclopedic knowledge of film.

[46:09] He has not been making the podcast as much since the wedding.

[46:12] Does this mean his priorities are shifting?

[46:14] That wedding was three years ago.

[46:16] Will he abandon his friends for the Yoko owner of the podcast?

[46:19] He has an Emmy.

[46:20] Will he earn more?

[46:21] Will he write the Ziggy screenplay?

[46:23] Will he and Stuart collaborate on an amazing film about dinosaur riding bears fighting flamethrowers

[46:27] only to see their masterpiece snubbed by the Academy at Oscar time despite its critical success?

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] By snubbed, I think he means awarded all of them.

Dan McCoy

[46:35] Which brings us to Stuart.

[46:37] He apparently plays Blood Bowl.

[46:39] What team does he play?

[46:40] What other games does he play?

[46:42] He is engaged now.

[46:43] Would you like to play a game?

[46:44] Does that mean he'll have a bachelor party with a tank with those two different guys?

Stuart Wellington

[46:49] Well, what if they weren't two different guys, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[46:51] What if Jigsaw and Freddy were the same guy?

[46:53] What if?

Stuart Wellington

[46:54] What if the comic book, find it at your local retailer?

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] What if Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive warthog or something?

Dan McCoy

[47:01] Does that mean he'll have a bachelor party with a tank where he duels a bear with a flamethrower?

[47:06] It didn't happen.

[47:06] What kind of bear?

[47:07] Many North American varieties bear are facing extinction, so it would be nice if he could do something

[47:11] for the environment and not kill an endangered bear.

[47:14] What kind of flamethrower will he use?

Stuart Wellington

[47:15] They're all endangered when they're around me.

Dan McCoy

[47:17] One of those single tank ones the Germans use in WW2?

[47:20] Or one of the multi-tank American or Russian or Italian flamethrowers?

[47:23] The questions are endless.

[47:24] They certainly seem to be.

[47:25] Yes.

[47:26] I need to get on to episode 71 to find out what happens to my favorite characters and to find out what films they review.

[47:31] Sincerely, Chad.

[47:32] Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] Well, Chad, you've got a lot of questions, but they've all been answered by every episode since then, so I don't think we should answer them.

[47:38] I will say that I used to do a live comedy show talk show, and around the time that I started dating my now wife,

[47:45] we did a sketch where it was as if the show's biggest fan came out and complained that I had a girlfriend now,

[47:52] so it wasn't funny, and he referred to my then-girlfriend, now-wife, as the Yoko Ono of the show,

[47:57] and my girlfriend was really upset.

[47:59] Now she's my wife, though, so we patched everything up.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] This next letter is titled Race Relations.

[48:06] Uh-oh.

[48:07] This is a heady issue for us to pick up.

[48:08] Hello, peaches.

[48:10] I just finished watching-

[48:11] And Hallie.

[48:13] I just-

[48:14] How did they know Hallie was going to be here?

[48:15] That's weird.

[48:16] I just finished watching the second best movie made in 1997 about a volcano.

[48:20] Volcano.

[48:21] Now, I personally, I prefer that Dante speak, but we'll go on.

[48:24] Which is the one where the guy's legs get all melted off.

[48:28] It's called Legcano.

[48:30] As I'm sure you remember, Volcano is a total mess of a movie,

[48:33] but never more so than when it's trying to teach the audience lessons about race relations.

[48:38] Don't they have a black guy and a white guy say,

[48:39] Hey, I guess we're all threatened by this volcano.

[48:41] Something like that.

[48:42] She's getting to it.

[48:43] You can almost hear the Hollywood execs patting themselves on the back for being so progressive.

[48:48] Rodney King even gets name-checked in one scene.

[48:50] The best part is, at the end, a small, adorable white boy is asked to identify his mother

[48:55] in a crowd of people covered in ash.

[48:59] The camera takes its time cutting from one shot of a black person and a white person talking,

[49:04] and the little boy marvels.

[49:05] They all look the same.

[49:07] It's then we realize that no matter what we look like on the outside,

[49:10] we can all come together in time of crisis to be burned alive by a volcano.

Elliott Kalan

[49:15] There's something so racist about that, too, where it's like,

[49:17] You know, a black person and a white person with ash on their face looks the same.

[49:20] No, that's terrible.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] That's blackface.

[49:22] She asked.

[49:23] Also the worst Batman villain, blackface.

[49:25] What other movies sandwich feel-good social messaging into incongruous source stories?

[49:32] Keep up the good work.

[49:33] Amy, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] Clearly Crash, the David Cronenberg movie, comes to mind.

[49:38] No, wait.

[49:39] What is the social message of that?

[49:40] People not being into having sex with wounds.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Wait, that's a social message?

[49:46] Yeah.

[49:47] Yeah.

[49:48] There's a lot of movies with social messages kind of crammed in.

[49:53] I feel like one of the ones that does it a little better is Inside Man,

[49:57] where Spike Lee manages to get a fair amount of social commentary into a bank heist movie.

[50:03] But what's one where they do it for?

Stuart Wellington

[50:04] And Clive Owen's in that, right?

Elliott Kalan

[50:05] I love that guy.

[50:06] And Clive Owen.

[50:06] I wonder what he sounds like when he's in that.

Stuart Wellington

[50:08] Yeah, I wonder.

[50:11] Allie?

Elliott Kalan

[50:13] Allie, what does Clive Owen sound like?

Hallie Haglund

[50:14] A British person?

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] I didn't see that movie.

[50:18] That's pretty good.

[50:19] That's pretty good, but Stuart, I think you know how.

Stuart Wellington

[50:21] Hello, hello, it's me, Allie.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Wait, no.

Stuart Wellington

[50:24] Doing an impression of Clive Owen.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] Allie, that's a good impression of Clive Owen.

[50:30] Thank you.

[50:32] So have we answered this question?

[50:34] I feel like there's a lot of movies with bad environmental lessons thrown into them.

[50:39] Well, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:40] There's the scene in The Patriot where Donald Logue looks to the guy and he's like,

[50:43] I'm glad you're not a slave anymore or something.

[50:45] Oh, that's a good one.

Hallie Haglund

[50:47] What about that Julianne Moore movie where she's like having the baby and it's a secret?

[50:53] She might not be having the baby.

[50:55] You know what I mean?

[50:56] Okay, internet.

Elliott Kalan

[50:57] No, women are barren and then there's...

[51:00] Oh, The Handmaid's Tale?

Hallie Haglund

[51:01] No, there's...

[51:02] Women are all barren and there's one...

[51:04] Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[51:05] Well, but that's about a world where the environment has fallen apart.

[51:08] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[51:10] But they do a good job in that.

Hallie Haglund

[51:11] Oh, we're talking about where they do a bad job.

[51:13] Where they kind of shoehorn it in.

[51:14] Oh, well this movie, it's literally like two worlds collide.

[51:21] That's true.

[51:21] They're from different worlds.

Stuart Wellington

[51:23] And downworlders have oil smeared all over them.

Dan McCoy

[51:26] Yeah, I can think less of incongruous uses of social messages and more just bad social message movies.

[51:35] Like, I mean, like, we might as well have just watched In Time a second time today.

[51:40] Yeah.

[51:40] Because, like, that's the whole...

[51:41] Like, it's like, mmm, man.

[51:43] Rich and poor.

Stuart Wellington

[51:45] Yeah, it's like if In Time and Total Recall had a weird baby that was less fun.

[51:49] Yeah.

[51:49] But better looking.

[51:50] Oh, totally.

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] There's a...

[51:52] I guess I...

[51:52] Maybe in some of the Godzilla movies later on they started putting in environmental messages.

[51:57] And perhaps...

[51:59] Oh, you know what my favorite one is?

[52:00] I guess it's supposed to be anti-racism.

[52:02] It's at the end of Godzilla 2000.

[52:04] Where Godzilla is literally destroying the city after saving the world from an alien.

[52:08] And the scientist says...

[52:09] One scientist says to another, why does Godzilla save us every time?

[52:13] And he goes, I don't know, perhaps it is because we all have a little Godzilla inside of us.

[52:18] And Godzilla is meanwhile destroying the city.

[52:21] He's killing thousands.

[52:23] But they're like, well, that Godzilla is a good fella.

[52:24] I guess we're all a little bit Godzilla.

[52:26] And then it says the end, question mark.

Dan McCoy

[52:29] This is just a quick one.

[52:32] This is from Danielle, last name withheld.

[52:33] She says, dear floppers, just wanted to express my enthusiasm and love for your show.

[52:38] My seven-year-old son, who has heard...

[52:41] Danielle Kalen.

[52:42] What?

[52:42] I didn't even know.

[52:43] Seven-year-old son, huh?

[52:44] My seven-year-old son, who has heard approximately eight minutes of a podcast,

[52:48] because language and just not for him and his four-year-old sister yet...

[52:51] Not appropriate.

[52:51] ...has become obsessed with your show.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] He heard about it on Parade Magazine.

Dan McCoy

[52:55] Every time he arrives home and hears me listening to something in the kitchen while I make dinner,

[53:00] he demands, is this the Flophouse?

[53:02] I love those guys.

[53:03] Oh, that's sweet.

[53:04] I don't know what you put into those eight minutes, but it has him hooked.

[53:06] I can't wait until he's old enough that we can listen together

[53:09] and then go out and rediscover Castle Freak.

[53:11] Keep up the good work.

[53:12] Yeah, last name with Carl.

[53:13] Oh, that's nice.

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] I bet we were talking about boobs or something, and he was like,

[53:16] Oh!

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] Eight-year-olds love boobs.

[53:18] It's real.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] Madre de Dios, the legends are true.

[53:25] But that's adorable.

[53:26] I'm glad that he likes the Flophouse.

[53:27] Yep.

[53:27] Not for kids, but...

[53:29] No, Rated R.

[53:30] Is playing at...

[53:31] Your ears.

[53:32] Right now.

[53:34] Rated R.

[53:35] So, this last letter.

[53:37] Starring...

Stuart Wellington

[53:39] Rated R.

Elliott Kalan

[53:40] ...as...

[53:41] Rated X.

[53:43] And featuring...

[53:45] Rated G.

[53:46] ...as...

[53:47] Rated NC-17.

[53:49] Oh.

[53:49] Miscasting.

Dan McCoy

[53:50] That seems awful.

[53:52] It's edgy.

[53:52] I think that might be against the law.

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] It's an edgy movie.

Dan McCoy

[53:56] This last letter is...

[53:57] Rated PG-13.

[53:59] ...is titled Complaints.

Stuart Wellington

[54:01] Maybe against your laws.

[54:03] Upworlder.

Hallie Haglund

[54:05] To be fair, I am the only Upworlder.

Dan McCoy

[54:08] Yeah, we're all from Downworld.

[54:10] We all got grime on our faces.

[54:12] This letter is titled Complaints.

[54:14] Great.

[54:14] It seems there's a lot of them.

[54:17] Until this March, your awards floptacular episodes had regular episode numbers.

[54:21] Episode 11, episode 32, episode 76...

[54:23] Is this about whether it fits into the regular episode numbering or not?

[54:27] Episode 97.

[54:28] They were all awards floptaculars, but your latest awards floptacular lacks a number.

[54:33] It was directly preceded by episode 120, the Paperboy, and directly followed by 121, the Oklahoma...

[54:38] Superman has a red cape, but in one panel in this issue from 1975, he has a blue cape.

[54:43] Please explain.

[54:44] Will I have to renumber all my saved episodes from now on?

[54:48] Is the 2013 awards floptacular episode 120.5?

[54:52] I need answers.

[54:53] Yes, please, renumber all your episodes.

Stuart Wellington

[54:55] Does he burn them all onto cassette tapes and then files them into some kind of evidence dungeon?

Elliott Kalan

[55:00] Please tell me this was from the Library of Congress.

[55:02] Because maybe then I could understand it.

Hallie Haglund

[55:04] Do you curate these questions?

Stuart Wellington

[55:06] This is from...

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] That is an eternal question, Hallie.

[55:10] I think the crying with boobs letter proves that Dan does not curate these letters.

[55:14] This is from 1OCD.

Dan McCoy

[55:18] So, second complaint.

[55:19] Also, I've been impressed with the smooth and entertaining way you've integrated your new advertising commitments into the show.

[55:25] But I miss those intervals in the early episodes where Dan would insert what appeared to be snippets recorded after the main recording session to promote the flophouse in one way or another and ask for support.

[55:35] I was really hoping to hear Dan break in with the bit he had recorded after the other peaches had left and say something like,

[55:41] Wow, those two are jerks.

[55:42] Well, God knows I'd like to, but...

[55:45] I think the evidence is clear that we're jerks.

[55:47] He doesn't need to say it.

[55:48] I'll be honest.

[55:48] Part of the reason I've stopped putting those bumpers in is we've gotten too many letters.

[55:53] I kind of almost want to keep the email a little difficult to find now.

[55:57] An embarrassment of riches over here.

[55:59] I think we get just the right amount of letters.

[56:01] You hear that?

Hallie Haglund

[56:02] He's saying he doesn't want to hear from you guys.

Dan McCoy

[56:05] Don't listen to him.

[56:06] No, I love it.

[56:07] But there's such a deluge that we can only get to so many on the air.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] That's true.

[56:11] And we can't reply to all of them.

[56:12] So, I guess back then we were trying more to get listener feedback.

[56:17] And now you guys have been so great in writing to us and giving us lots of jokes and memories and complaints.

[56:23] And communicating on our Facebook page.

[56:25] And the Facebook page has gotten so big that we don't need to remind you of what you're listening to.

Dan McCoy

[56:32] I will still urge you, if you like the show, to rate it positively on iTunes.

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] Yeah, we could use more iTunes reviews.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] But don't write us a letter.

[56:42] If you feel moved to donate to cover our operating costs, you can do that through the All Things Comedy website.

[56:47] But that's about it.

[56:48] Or buy a shirt.

[56:49] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[56:50] What about writing them a letter?

Elliott Kalan

[56:52] You can write us a letter.

[56:53] And please do write us a letter.

[56:55] But we really apologize that we can't get you a letter.

[56:56] Are we suggesting writing the listeners a letter?

[56:59] No, I'm saying.

[57:00] We'll write you a letter.

[57:01] Dear listeners, this is the Flophouse.

[57:03] Sorry we haven't been in touch.

[57:05] We've been getting a lot of letters.

[57:06] We've been getting a lot of letters.

[57:07] And we have our own lives.

[57:08] Back off, okay?

[57:09] We don't live for you.

[57:11] You know what?

[57:11] I can't even finish this letter.

[57:12] Love the Flophouse.

[57:14] But we do need more iTunes positive reviews.

[57:17] So please do, if you like it, if you like this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[57:21] Or you just want to write Elliot's voice is annoying five stars.

Dan McCoy

[57:24] As long as the star count is high, you can say whatever you want about my annoying voice.

[57:28] Seems like a popular comment.

[57:30] And the last complaint in this complaints email.

[57:33] Oh, the letter's still going on, huh?

[57:35] And another thing.

[57:36] You occasionally refer to masturbating to a film or scene as though it was analogous to singing along to a musical number.

[57:43] Yeah, totally.

[57:44] Because we're adding the experience.

[57:45] I believe the correct preposition is over.

[57:48] As some permazoid might say,

[57:49] Hey guys, I've been masturbating over the tentacle vaccine in Howard the Duck.

[57:53] And it really gets me hot.

[57:54] You're sincerely my class name with health.

[57:56] Masturbating over sounds like you're getting gunk all over the DVDs.

[57:59] Yeah, that sounds like you're hovering over.

Stuart Wellington

[58:02] When you masturbate to a scene from a movie, you stand up right by the TV.

[58:07] Because you want to feel that static electricity on your ball hairs.

[58:11] I'm going to stop talking now.

[58:14] No, you do it to it as if the scene is a conductor.

Dan McCoy

[58:19] Yeah, yeah.

[58:19] And you are an instrument.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] It's telling you the rhythm.

[58:23] It's telling you when and where to touch.

[58:26] Yeah, so I'm glad that we were able to clear up this.

Hallie Haglund

[58:30] I don't have anything to say.

Dan McCoy

[58:33] So I think we're using the correct preposition.

[58:36] You're just perpetuating gender stereotypes as men as chronic masturbators and women as bashful.

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] What if there was a movie called Chronic Masturbator?

[58:45] And it's about a guy, whenever he masturbates, he travels through time.

[58:50] It's Chrono Masturbator.

[58:52] Oh, I guess that would be it, yeah.

[58:53] Chrono Masturbator.

[58:53] It would be called Chrono Onos.

[58:56] Chrono Ononator?

[58:57] Yeah, Chrono Ononator.

[58:59] He's got a single Ononator.

[59:01] They invented, the government invents a device called the Chrono Onotron.

[59:05] And it's a time machine powered by masturbation.

Dan McCoy

[59:08] Now when you go back in time, do not masturbate on a butterfly.

[59:10] Whatever you do.

Elliott Kalan

[59:12] You could change the course of sexual history.

Dan McCoy

[59:17] There's your movie.

[59:18] What if I just masturbate to a butterfly?

[59:20] That's fine, but not over a butterfly.

Elliott Kalan

[59:21] Not over it.

[59:22] Do not masturbate over it.

[59:23] That's a crazy thing to say.

Dan McCoy

[59:25] What are you saying?

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] If you're really turned on by that butterfly and you want to masturbate to it, then whip it out and go right ahead.

Hallie Haglund

[59:29] No.

[59:30] Do it into a jar and then seal the jar and take it back with you to the future.

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] Yeah, because you don't want to leave it.

[59:35] Why would you take it?

[59:36] You could bury it.

[59:37] No, don't bury it.

[59:38] But what if you buried it?

[59:38] What if it leaks and suddenly there's a tree with your DNA in it?

[59:41] You've got to take it with you.

[59:42] You could destroy the future.

Hallie Haglund

[59:44] Although, if you take it, are you going back in time or are you going into the future?

[59:47] So Chrono Ononator would have a giant jar of masturbation.

[59:49] Well, if you go back to the future, you'd get into the future

[59:52] and then you'd have a bunch of babies in your jar.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] No, that's not how it works.

[59:56] Sperm doesn't turn into babies over time.

Hallie Haglund

[59:58] No, I'm pretty sure that's how that works.

[1:00:00] No, that's not exactly how it works.

[1:00:01] Yeah, I know how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:01] We're going to have to have a talk after this.

[1:00:04] So anyway, if anyone wants to buy the rights to Chrono Ononator.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:08] He'd have to wear goggles where the goggles are little timepieces

[1:00:11] and every time he climaxes, they spin backwards.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:15] And his eyes go cross-eyed like in an 80s movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] Yeah, you can't see it though because there's clocks.

[1:00:19] Don't worry about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:21] So, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] We're being pulled back into the time rift.

[1:00:25] Masturbate harder.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:27] As I thought would probably be the case with four hosts.

[1:00:29] We wasted a bunch of time.

[1:00:30] We wasted a bunch of time.

[1:00:31] But quickly, we should do our last segment,

[1:00:34] which is where we recommend movies that we've seen,

[1:00:37] that we actually liked.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:38] Before I recommend a movie,

[1:00:39] I'm going to recommend you going over to allthingscomedy.com,

[1:00:43] our podcast comedy network.

[1:00:46] There's a lot of great podcasts there, a lot of comedians.

[1:00:49] There's information about upcoming shows,

[1:00:51] including ours, when we do them occasionally.

[1:00:55] Yeah.

[1:00:55] Do it.

[1:00:56] Allthingscomedy.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:57] Do you have a movie to go along with that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:59] And I'd like to recommend a movie,

[1:01:01] which Dan may have already recommended, I don't care,

[1:01:03] called Dread 3D.

[1:01:05] Did you recommend that?

[1:01:06] I think I did.

[1:01:07] That's fine.

[1:01:07] I'm going to recommend it anyway.

[1:01:08] It stars Carl Urban as the titular behelmeted law enforcer.

[1:01:14] And he basically goes up and down a giant apartment complex,

[1:01:16] blasting dudes, going into slow-mo.

[1:01:19] Who gives a shit?

[1:01:20] He throws a chick out a window.

[1:01:23] Yeah, just watch it.

[1:01:24] If you haven't already seen it, you should watch it,

[1:01:26] because it's totally great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] I love that your recommendations are never plot summaries.

[1:01:28] It's always like when Joe Bob Briggs is introducing a movie,

[1:01:31] and he's like, this has got eight boobs,

[1:01:33] there's wire foo, there's blender foo,

[1:01:35] there's tennis foo.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:38] What I'm saying is you're the Joe Bob Briggs for our generation.

[1:01:41] It's like Stewart's psychotronic dictionary of film.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:44] So I am reinforcing a day in recommendation,

[1:01:47] Dread 3D.

[1:01:48] Watch it in 2D if you have to.

[1:01:50] Who gives a shit?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:50] I'd like to recommend, for fans of this podcast,

[1:01:53] I assume you like good, bad movies on occasion.

[1:01:56] And I watched Miami Connection.

[1:01:59] I'd been holding off on it because I thought I might screen it myself.

[1:02:04] But I found out that many of my friends who appreciate bad movies had already seen it.

[1:02:10] Like me.

[1:02:11] Yeah, so I was like, eh, I'll just watch it.

[1:02:13] Because my other friend was going to screen it.

[1:02:15] And I was like, I'll go hang out with him.

[1:02:17] And it is great.

[1:02:19] It is not necessarily like, I don't think it's as high a tier as like The Room or Troll 2,

[1:02:25] but it is definitely in that second tier of very funny, bad movies.

[1:02:31] The plot is so crazy.

[1:02:35] Like there's a rock band that is into Taekwondo,

[1:02:38] and they get into a fight with a gang.

[1:02:41] With drug dealing ninjas.

[1:02:42] Yeah.

[1:02:42] Well, the gang seems mad because like the brother of one of the sister who's in the band,

[1:02:48] and then there's also like the fact that another band is mad that they took their band's job.

[1:02:54] So they also fight with them there.

[1:02:55] And then all of a sudden there's Central Florida Ninjas for some reason.

[1:03:00] But it is –

[1:03:00] New natural habitat.

[1:03:01] Yeah.

[1:03:02] It's a barrel of laughs.

[1:03:03] And very quickly, not a movie but a book.

[1:03:09] My wife got me for my birthday Harpo Speaks,

[1:03:12] Harpo's autobiography from the Marx Brothers, which is a book –

[1:03:15] You mean Oprah.

[1:03:16] Yeah.

[1:03:17] Oprah's autobiography.

[1:03:18] A book that I read several times when I was a kid but hadn't read in several years.

[1:03:23] I'm reading it right now, and I'm remembering how much I love it.

[1:03:25] And the reason is like it's not just a document of the Marx Brothers, whom I love,

[1:03:30] but it also talks a lot of – like Harpo had an amazing life.

[1:03:35] You hear about growing up in New York, in tenement New York, as the children of the immigrants.

[1:03:41] You hear about early vaudeville.

[1:03:43] You learn about – like Harpo basically brushed shoulders with all of the important literary and society figures of the day

[1:03:52] because he became part of the Algonquin Roundtable Group.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:56] There's a story in there, I believe, about ending up nude in front of George Bernard Shaw.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:00] Yeah.

[1:04:00] That's pretty amazing.

[1:04:02] There's tales of the Depression.

[1:04:04] There's talk about – like he did a tour in Russia at a time that no one went to Russia.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] He was the first American to perform in Russia after the Russian Revolution.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:12] Yeah.

[1:04:13] He basically – he just had an amazing life, and he remembers a lot of amazing stories that he and his ghostwriter tell in a very –

[1:04:21] Skooky.

[1:04:21] Ghostwriter.

[1:04:22] Ghostwriter.

[1:04:22] Yeah.

[1:04:23] So even if you're not a fan of the Marx Brothers necessarily, it's just a great memoir.

[1:04:31] So I recommend that too.

[1:04:31] This has been The Page House.

[1:04:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:33] Book recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:34] The Page Master.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:36] The Page – this has been Macaulay Culkin's The Page Master featuring Leonard Nimoy.

[1:04:39] And a Power Glove.

[1:04:40] I think that we forgot to warn you about this.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:42] But that's the wizard.

[1:04:43] But if you have a movie –

[1:04:44] They're the same guy.

[1:04:45] Elliot warned me.

[1:04:46] Well, I would say if you want to venture out into the broader world and go see a movie in the theaters right now –

[1:04:56] Okay.

[1:04:57] Leave your troll cave.

[1:05:00] I recently saw The Act of Killing.

[1:05:04] It's a great movie for the whole family.

[1:05:06] A lot of laughs.

[1:05:08] A lot of romance.

[1:05:10] You –

[1:05:10] It's a feel-good all around.

[1:05:12] No, it's a really intense documentary about the genocide that occurred in 1965 in Indonesia.

[1:05:22] And it is fucked up, okay?

[1:05:25] It's not like most genocides.

[1:05:27] It's fucked up.

[1:05:28] It is.

[1:05:29] And it is worth seeing.

[1:05:32] That's what I would recommend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:33] It's not congruent with your earlier description of Act of Killing, where you described it as a family film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:39] Your descriptions really ran the gamut.

Hallie Haglund

[1:05:43] Listen, it's every – it's, you know, it's what you wanted to be.

[1:05:47] It's everywhere you wanted to be.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:50] Check your brain at the door.

[1:05:51] Yeah.

[1:05:51] Act of Killing, Indonesian genocide.

[1:05:53] Yeah.

[1:05:54] I'd like to recommend – first, I'd like to back up and reinforce two recommendations.

[1:05:59] Dan and Stuart gave in earlier episodes this weekend, and that was since the last recording.

[1:06:03] I saw Pacific Rim that Stuart recommended.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:05] And Castle Freak, which Dan recommended.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:07] And I saw Wake and Fear, which Dan recommended.

[1:06:11] And they were both great.

[1:06:13] So, Wake and Fright?

[1:06:14] Wake and Fright.

[1:06:15] So, Pacific Rim is probably not in theaters anymore because it didn't do that well.

[1:06:18] But if it is and you haven't seen it, go check it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:20] I think it's doing really well in Russia.

[1:06:21] So, totally go to Russia and China.

[1:06:23] I don't give a shit.

Hallie Haglund

[1:06:24] By the way, did you guys look up on the Wikipedia pages said that tonight's movie, Upside Down,

[1:06:30] the first place it was released was Kazakhstan?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:34] Yeah.

[1:06:34] Just a fun fact.

[1:06:35] Fly to Kazakhstan if you want to watch Upside Down.

[1:06:38] I mean, or you can watch it here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:40] Well, I could see why it would play really well with a Kazakhstani audience.

[1:06:44] They love upside-down pee jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:48] And Wake and Fright, the Australian movie, is on DVD now, and it is a harrowing tale.

[1:06:54] And Pacific Rim is balls-to-the-wall action, monsters fighting robots.

[1:06:57] But the movie I'd like to recommend myself is a French film called Bed and Board,

[1:07:02] directed by Francois Truffaut.

[1:07:04] It's the fourth in his Antoine Donnell series of films following the life of his kind of fictionalized alter ego, Antoine Donnell.

[1:07:12] And by this point, he's married to his wife, Christine.

[1:07:17] And it's about them starting a home, starting a family, and his infidelities that almost wreck their marriage.

[1:07:24] But the way it's made, it's almost like they cut it together from a season of the sitcom called Antoine and Christine.

[1:07:31] There's a lot of really funny parts, and it's very incidental.

[1:07:35] There's not like a driving plot necessarily.

[1:07:37] But it holds together really well.

[1:07:39] And there's a lot of little neat moments in it that feel like stuff that was ripped off by kind of indie filmmakers and Wes Anderson-y types in recent years.

[1:07:49] But it's the 70s, so they feel fresh and new.

[1:07:52] The one thing I would say against it is it treats marital infidelity a little lightly.

[1:07:56] But, hey, it's France.

[1:07:58] What are you going to do?

[1:07:59] You know, church and la femme.

[1:08:00] Dude, they're all doing it.

[1:08:00] You know, kale fromage and all that stuff.

[1:08:03] What a cheese.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:05] Thanks, Dr. Translator.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:07] But it's a really enjoyable quality film.

[1:08:10] MD.

[1:08:12] Dr. Translator MD.

[1:08:14] That's my new show on Fox.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:16] My diagnosis is French.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:22] And it's called Bed and Board, and I recommend it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:25] So a shitload of movies, two books.

[1:08:27] We recommended everything tonight, man.

[1:08:30] Yeah.

[1:08:30] But not Upside Down.

[1:08:32] Don't watch that.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:33] Don't go see that.

[1:08:34] So this is the time, my saddest time on the podcast.

[1:08:38] We have to say goodbye.

[1:08:40] I'd like to thank Hallie for dropping by and confirming that Stuart is a cool, chill party.

[1:08:44] Dude.

[1:08:45] That was the whole purpose?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:46] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:48] I thought this was a tryout where you were trying to replace me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:53] We wanted to see if she could hold her own with boner jokes, and she could do it.

[1:08:56] So Stuart, watch your back and watch your boner.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:58] You missed the dirtiest joke of the night happened off the air, and that was Hallie talking about

[1:09:05] on the Upside Down world, you had reverse orgasms where it would come shot back up at your body.

[1:09:12] And then she giggled about it for about ten straight minutes.

[1:09:17] Yeah.

[1:09:18] It's late, okay?

[1:09:20] So anyway.

[1:09:22] Okay.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:22] You guys try it.

[1:09:25] Getting the cum.

[1:09:26] Cum squirt up your body, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:28] I don't know why we're talking about this.

[1:09:29] This is so gross.

[1:09:30] Okay.

[1:09:31] So I guess what I'm saying is, goodnight everyone.

[1:09:34] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:36] Hey, I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:39] I remain Elliot Kalin.

[1:09:41] And I am Hallie Haglund.

[1:09:43] Goodnight everyone.

[1:09:44] Boom.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:44] A filthy foursome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] Coney Island whitefish?

[1:09:47] What the hell is that?

[1:09:47] It's a used condom.

[1:09:48] Oh, I see.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:53] Is that a high enough volume?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:55] Be loud, Hallie.

[1:09:56] I think you should probably be a little louder than that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:58] In your face, add a little more attitude.

[1:10:01] More attitude, get a little rude.

[1:10:03] Sure.

[1:10:04] Elliot, lose the tune, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] Elliot, it's pointed slightly away from you, so you can be a little louder than that.

[1:10:11] I'll be louder, or try to be.

Hallie Haglund

[1:10:13] No, that's really loud.

[1:10:14] Not that loud.

The Flop House: Episode #134 - Upside Down

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