Flop House CLASSIC FAVORITE - Bullet to the Head

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Und I am Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] It's just a little character I was trying out. This new character was just you, but

[0:43] German. Uh, yeah, I mean, that was my Werner Herzog impression.

[0:47] But he says, I'm Stuart Wellington. Yeah, all the time. Well, he was doing a character,

[0:51] too. It was more of like a German, like, I'm a bad little boy.

[0:55] Yeah, that's what Werner Herzog sounds like. Yeah, that's his catchphrase.

[0:59] Ich bin Werner Herzog und ich bin ein bad little boy.

[1:03] Bad kleine boy. Ich bin ein total bad dude.

[1:07] Ich bin ein original

[1:11] party animal. I feel like a

[1:15] Stuart Werner Herzog would be more like, I stare into the cause

[1:19] light and I see no sense of sympathy or understanding.

[1:23] Only a black boy. That sounds more like Henry Kissinger doing a Stuart

[1:27] Werner Herzog. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:31] Ich bin Werner Herzog! Because that's exactly how I sounded, Dan.

[1:35] Mmm, yummy!

[1:39] My tummy is rumbling!

[1:43] I've been so hungry! I love blueberries!

[1:47] Wait, are those blueberries or bloopers?

[1:51] Wait, what? Is Herzog, he misses the blooper shows?

[1:55] What ever happened to bloopers and practical jokes?

[1:59] With Sergio Aragones cartoons?

[2:03] Just because Dick Clark is no longer involved does not

[2:07] mean he can't have more blueberries!

[2:11] I think, and this is a high bar to clear,

[2:15] I think this must be the most nonsense at the top of a show.

[2:19] This is 100% nonsense. Click save on the device.

[2:23] Until we figure out what it's called.

[2:27] And Dan, what are we doing in this podcast?

[2:31] This is a podcast, you might not guess it from what we've done so far.

[2:35] This is a Werner Herzog podcast.

[2:39] This is a podcast about bad movies. It's called the Zogcast.

[2:43] Send that fuckface back to Krooptons.

[2:47] Where we watch a movie that was either a critical or commercial flop.

[2:51] I haven't seen Man of Steel, but I want to watch it and have someone

[2:55] edit you in so that when Zod is doing his televised address,

[2:59] Stuart just turns to the camera and goes, send that fuckface back to Kroopton.

[3:03] And then the movie continues as before.

[3:07] It's not that hard, you can just edit that in.

[3:11] So Dan, Flophouse, what do we do?

[3:15] We watch a movie that was either a commercial or a critical flop, and then we discuss it.

[3:19] And tonight we watched a little film called

[3:23] Bullet to the Head.

[3:27] Bullet to the Head.

[3:31] Bullet to the Ed, chaps.

[3:35] That's the impression cast, right?

[3:39] In England it was released as Bullet to the Apostrophe.

[3:43] Bullet to the Ed.

[3:47] They have a different rating system, Ellie. You just fucked up that joke.

[3:51] You'll fix it, right Dan?

[3:55] UK17 of authenticity.

[3:59] It's like a number with a circle around it or something.

[4:03] It's a real video nasty.

[4:07] It's an action movie starring a favorite of mine,

[4:11] Sly Stallone.

[4:15] He's part fox.

[4:19] He's named after his grandfather, Slylock Fox.

[4:23] What happened to his best friend, Max Mouse?

[4:27] Mice don't live very long, Dan.

[4:31] Foxes live years and years.

[4:35] Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies.

[4:39] They get caught in a trap, a deadly trap.

[4:43] A mouse hole of deceit and seduction.

[4:47] It was like a game of something and mouse.

[4:51] Let's say house and mouse.

[4:55] Bullet to the Head stars Sylvester Stallone. It was directed by Walter Hill.

[4:59] It was a huge flop.

[5:03] According to Wikipedia, this was the second worst box office weekend opening in Sylvester Stallone's career.

[5:07] I actually didn't realize how big a flop this was.

[5:11] There isn't a monster in this movie.

[5:15] Unless you count Khal Drogo.

[5:19] Sylvester Stallone looks a lot less like a monster than he does in John Rambo.

[5:23] I guess they just called it Rambo when they released it.

[5:27] There are scenes in that movie where he just looks like a bear with a human head running through the jungle.

[5:31] There's a part where he's underneath a bridge and he's been shot.

[5:35] You're being pretty charitable with the term human.

[5:39] He's like running through a tunnel underneath a bridge and it looks like Frankenstein's monster has escaped from the lab.

[5:43] He's slimmed down a little bit in that he's no longer addicted to human growth hormone.

[5:47] We shouldn't gloss over this.

[5:51] It was directed by Walter Hill who I think it's fair to say we all love.

[5:55] The man made The Warriors.

[5:59] He made Midnight Sun.

[6:03] Not a movie I love but a fun movie, 48 Hours.

[6:07] Did he do another 48 Hours?

[6:11] I believe so.

[6:15] What about the third 48 Hours which is a movie that was never made?

[6:19] In his head, yes.

[6:23] Streets of Fire, a lesser known film with a lot of cult status.

[6:27] Bruce's Millions.

[6:31] Geronimo in American Legend.

[6:35] That was a pretty good movie actually.

[6:39] I saw that in the theater back in the day.

[6:43] He is a master of stripped down, very manly cinema.

[6:47] He likes action movies where there's a lot of action.

[6:51] The men are tough guys who have that kind of like,

[6:55] tough guys who have that kind of like

[6:59] African Queen Hepburn and Bogart relationship

[7:03] where they hate each other but they kind of come to like each other

[7:07] except they don't fall in love.

[7:11] He had to strip down like you were saying.

[7:15] Back in Walter Hill's day, men were men.

[7:19] Women were topless. Children didn't exist.

[7:23] There's no children in this movie.

[7:27] There's a character who's Sylvester Stallone's child but she's grown up.

[7:31] She's grown up in all the right places.

[7:35] She is an adult size person.

[7:39] She's big in all the right places.

[7:43] There are places where she's not big and it's the weird wrong size.

[7:47] It's a weird thing to say.

[7:51] She's big in all the right places by which I mean that she is proportional.

[7:55] She doesn't have one tiny doll's hands.

[7:59] Now for all the listeners out there that have one tiny doll hand.

[8:03] We're not trying to say anything wrong with that.

[8:07] I'll give you one tiny and five high fives.

[8:11] You're making it worse.

[8:15] You're that much closer to being doll man

[8:19] and being next to doll man is next to godliness.

[8:23] Let's talk about what this movie is about.

[8:27] When we're talking about stripped down action movies,

[8:31] I feel like this is kind of the definition of stripped down action

[8:35] in that nobody seems to be trying very hard.

[8:39] I was saying to Dan this feels like the beat the devil of action movies

[8:43] in that it feels like a lark.

[8:47] A bunch of people got together on a weekend they had free and made an action movie together

[8:51] which actually it's not that good in terms of laid back charisma

[8:55] I think the entire plot is shouted out by a post-torture Christian Slater

[8:59] in about like one minute.

[9:03] For people who might have fallen asleep earlier in the film.

[9:07] There's a lot of exposition in this movie that you find out a couple times.

[9:11] Characters are constantly being told things that the audience already knows.

[9:15] It's not a complex plot.

[9:19] Let's say what that plot is.

[9:23] This is the star of a couple of past Flophouse faves.

[9:27] 12 rounds stolen.

[9:31] A little bit of heaven.

[9:35] Sylvester Stallone is a hitman named Jimmy Bobo.

[9:39] He has a partner Louis.

[9:43] We first see a scene where an Asian guy

[9:47] who is waiting under a bridge gets in a car.

[9:51] The guy in the car pulls a gun on him and then the guy in the car gets shot.

[9:55] Where does he get shot?

[9:57] In the head. A bullet to the head.

[10:00] heads get bullets in them in this movie? Quite a lot, quite a lot, quite a few.

[10:04] Well, so Jimmy Bobo and his partner

[10:07] kill a guy in his hotel room and now the entire opening title sequence

[10:12] is this guy in the hotel room drinking and doing drugs and just being really

[10:15] excited about something. Meanwhile there's a nude prostitute in the shower.

[10:19] Just taking a shower. Like you do.

[10:22] I mean people do take showers in the nude. That's how you open a movie. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

[10:25] Especially if the movie is this

[10:27] Carrie or a porno set in a shower.

[10:31] Those are shower related films. I think Saturday Streets opens up with an

[10:34] all-girl shower scene fight scene. Or

[10:38] Netflix original Orange is the New Black. Yeah, dude, Orange is the New Black, come on.

[10:42] I haven't seen that, I don't know. It definitely opens up in a shower. Okay, great.

[10:45] We're trying to be current here. Sorry, yeah, you're right. Update your references.

[10:49] Carrie, come on. Sorry, Carrie the remake.

[10:53] Now you're talking. There's more magic in that one, I think.

[10:56] More magic? Is Carrie a wizard in it?

[11:00] Yeah, right? That's what she does. That would be so great if they remade Carrie but they wanted to

[11:04] capture the Harry Potter audience.

[11:05] So instead of a telekinetic, she's a wizard. And instead of high school, she goes to

[11:09] Hogwarts. And instead of killing everyone in the prom, she wins the Quidditch

[11:12] tournament.

[11:13] It's called Carrie Potter. It's the lovable story

[11:18] of a little girl who just might be a wizard. Yes, she is. Not just might be a

[11:22] wizard.

[11:22] The whole plot is that she's a wizard. Anyway, it stars Sissy Spacek as Carrie Potter.

[11:28] Sure. What were we saying about a movie?

[11:31] Okay, so Sylvester Stallone and his partner kill this guy.

[11:34] Then they go to a bar where they're supposed to meet up with the guy paying them.

[11:37] But uh-oh, Jason Momoa comes in.

[11:41] Who? Movie's Conan, TV's Khal Drogo.

[11:44] He was the star of Conan the Barbarian, which we flopped. It was the episode with the

[11:48] classic

[11:49] Zardoz tangent. Yeah, a movie that I kind of remember sort of liking.

[11:53] I did not like it. It was boring. But anyway,

[11:57] there's a big uh... He stabs the partner in a bar.

[12:00] Yeah. And after Sylvester Stallone has established

[12:04] that he only drinks bullet whiskey, or is it bourbon?

[12:07] Well, I mean it's bourbon. Bourbon is whiskey.

[12:11] And bullet whiskey could not have been happier by the association in their bullet riot.

[12:16] Okay, so there's a couple times throughout the movie where Sylvester Stallone

[12:19] specifically orders bullet, and then when the bar doesn't have it,

[12:23] brings a bottle of it with him so that you know what the bottle looks like when

[12:26] you go into the store

[12:27] to get the same whiskey. Yep, when you want a bullet to the mouth.

[12:31] Can I have the same whiskey as that hitman, please?

[12:34] Yeah, follow bullet to the head with a bullet to the mouth. A bullet whiskey, that is.

[12:37] Yeah, enjoy responsibly.

[12:38] It is a good whiskey, though.

[12:41] Momoa's playing a guy named Keegan, who is

[12:46] also a mercenary soldier type, and he and Bobo,

[12:49] Sylvester Stallone, have a big fight in the bathroom of this bar.

[12:53] They break a door. They break a sink. Break our hearts.

[12:56] Break our hearts. But he gets away before Sly Stallone can stop him.

[13:00] And his partner's dead. Meanwhile, a

[13:03] detective from Washington DC shows up in New Orleans to investigate the death

[13:08] of the guy they killed in the hotel room, who it turns out was a crooked cop.

[13:12] He was the partner of the Washington DC detective, played by Sung Kang.

[13:16] Yeah, yeah, from the Fast and the Furious movies.

[13:20] Really? Yeah, he's in like four of them.

[13:24] He made his first appearance in

[13:27] Tokyo Drift, which I think happens after all of the other movies.

[13:31] I just watch him from the car, Stuart. I'm a real gearhead.

[13:35] Yeah, we all know that about you. That's a thing.

[13:38] Yeah, that you're such a... You're a real grease monkey. You love automobiles.

[13:41] You're always cherrying out that old car that you got.

[13:44] I'm going to get surgery to get this gear removed from my head.

[13:47] Yeah, that was when that car exploded and the gear got stuck in your head.

[13:50] I thought all those posters of Lamborghinis with babes sprawled across

[13:53] them were for the babes, but they're actually for the cars.

[13:55] Yeah. Babes, gross.

[13:59] Cars, yum. You're getting in the way of that sweet Lambo.

[14:02] You're ruining the polish with your boobs.

[14:07] Now, a gearhead would be a better name for a steampunk fan, right?

[14:11] Yeah. They literally have gears on their heads a lot of the time.

[14:14] Yeah. You'd probably get a mixed up crowd if you advertised for gearheads.

[14:19] Yeah, you would. And if you advertised for parrot heads, you'd get the pirate punk crowd.

[14:24] Pirate punk? And Jimmy Buffet fans.

[14:26] Yeah, you'd get some middle aged people who are really into margaritas.

[14:30] Yeah. You'd get a lot of cell phone holsters.

[14:33] Speaking of cell phones, cell phones also play an important part of the movie.

[14:36] Let's continue, shall we?

[14:38] It turns out the guy that killed in the hotel room was the partner of this D.C.

[14:41] detective. He's got some kind of file in his possession, it turns out.

[14:46] It says evidence all over it.

[14:47] It says evidence on it that has a bunch of information on a former African warlord

[14:51] turned real estate mogul in New Orleans who is employing the help of lawyer Marcus

[14:57] Baptiste, played by Christian Slater, in what I can only imagine is a total cash grab.

[15:02] As our magical would say, it is a complete CG.

[15:06] The coca cop tried to blackmail Morel, who's the real estate guy slash warlord.

[15:13] We have to assume he's a mushroom person like in Mario Brothers.

[15:17] Named for Morel. They're called Goombas, Elliot.

[15:21] That's offensive. To what, mushroom people?

[15:24] Yes, it is. To mushroom people.

[15:26] I prefer to call them shroomos.

[15:32] Stewart calls Italians mushroom people.

[15:35] They do eat a lot of mushrooms.

[15:36] Yeah, no.

[15:37] Always with the mushroom eating.

[15:38] Oh, those Italians.

[15:39] Anyway, so then there's a the file is now in possession of a local mobster named

[15:45] Baby Jack and Keegan Caldrogo wanders into Baby Jack's private bar and kills 17

[15:52] guys and gets this folder.

[15:54] He literally he walks into this bar and the bartender goes, hey, this is a private

[15:57] club. Hey, excuse me.

[15:58] Hey, you looking for Baby Jack?

[16:00] As Caldrogo just walks past him to the back room where he then proceeds to shoot

[16:04] everybody. So Quan, the detective from Washington, D.C., he uses his magic phone

[16:10] with its people's background looking up abilities.

[16:13] Whenever he needs information, he calls Washington, D.C.

[16:16] He says, look up this person and they tell him everything he needs.

[16:20] Yeah, he's got the policeman app.

[16:22] And it's yeah.

[16:23] Do you think they originally had a character written into the script that was

[16:25] like a nerd that was on the computer the whole time?

[16:28] That would like a like a Simon Pegg type?

[16:30] Maybe, although it seems that part was originally supposed to be played by Thomas

[16:33] Jane. So I doubt it.

[16:35] Yeah, it seems like this is a movie that was sponsored by Bullet Whiskey and

[16:40] cell phones.

[16:41] Yeah, just to get out there.

[16:42] People hadn't heard of cell phones yet.

[16:44] So they decided to make a Walter Hill sliced alone action movie to get out the word

[16:47] about cell phones. Anyway, Quan meets up with Bobo in a bar.

[16:51] Bobo is sliced alone and Bobo thing is like a boy named Sue sort of thing.

[16:55] Like the idea is like, oh, you know, like the guy with the goofy name is the

[16:59] toughest. Maybe or like I think it's named after the final fight villain Bobo was a

[17:04] double dragon, double dragon, double dragon.

[17:06] Bobo's. Yeah, Bobo.

[17:07] Two dragons facing each other.

[17:11] Just look at doing a mirror bit.

[17:13] The dragon raises a claw.

[17:14] The other dragon raises a claw.

[17:16] Anyway, so what's Bobo up to?

[17:19] Anyway, Bobo and Quan meet in a bar.

[17:21] Quan says, I know you killed this guy, but we got it.

[17:25] I'm not interested in you. I'm interested in the guy who hired you.

[17:28] And Bobo is like, forget it.

[17:31] And Quan is attacked by that.

[17:33] Quan is attacked by a bunch of corrupt cops in a parking garage.

[17:36] Sylvester Sloan saves his life, but he is shot in the process.

[17:41] Not in the head, not in the head, but in the shoulder.

[17:43] The other cops, that's reserved.

[17:44] One cop, one cop gets a bullet to the head and the other cop gets a car to the body.

[17:48] When Sylvester Sloan hits him with a car and in order to treat Quan's wounds,

[17:54] Sylvester Sloan takes him to a tattoo parlor called Tattoo Baba.

[17:58] I assume named after the Baba Yaga, the witch of Russian folklore.

[18:02] He lives in the chicken leg house.

[18:04] Lives in a chicken leg house and has a shitload of tattoos, I'm guessing.

[18:08] And in the massage parlor, which is run by Sylvester Sloan's daughter.

[18:12] Well, sorry, tattoo parlor. There's a massage parlor later on.

[18:16] Tattoo parlor run by Sylvester Sloan's daughter, Lisa.

[18:19] Yeah, played by Sarah Shahi, who I know from...

[18:23] Oh, you know her?

[18:23] Yeah.

[18:24] Where did you guys meet?

[18:25] You know, just at a bar.

[18:27] OK, you struck up a conversation about that TV show she's on.

[18:30] I forgot about the TV show that I actually know her from, which was called Life.

[18:35] That's a serial. That's not a TV show.

[18:37] Damian Lewis, pre Homeland.

[18:39] And you also may know her from Fairly Illegal on USA, where characters are welcome.

[18:46] If they wipe their feet on the welcome mat.

[18:47] Yeah, only then.

[18:49] OK, so she's covered in a bunch of fake tattoos.

[18:53] Because she's a tattoo artist.

[18:56] And she's like a walking advertisement for her own.

[18:59] Walking for... Yeah, because tattoo artists rarely have tattoos.

[19:02] That's the crazy thing.

[19:04] She's a walking advert, because if you see a tattoo artist, you're like,

[19:06] that person, someone with tattoos,

[19:08] that person must be involved in the tattoo industry in some way.

[19:12] Anyway, she also occasionally takes bullets out of people,

[19:16] not out of their heads, for her father, Sylvester Sloan.

[19:19] She removes a bullet from Kwan, and everybody doesn't get along.

[19:22] Sly Stallone argues with the detective.

[19:24] The detective argues with the tattoo artist.

[19:27] The tattoo artist argues with her father, Sly Stallone.

[19:29] Oh, so much banter back and forth.

[19:31] There's a lot of Sylvester Sloan banter in this movie where he delivers it

[19:34] like it's a clever line, but it's not.

[19:36] It just doesn't make any sense.

[19:37] But he sells it. He tries to sell it.

[19:39] No, he doesn't. He's really lazy with his line delivery.

[19:42] He's kind of bored.

[19:43] Especially the racist stuff. He's extra lazy with that.

[19:46] They're trying to recapture some of that 48 Hours Magic

[19:51] where two people bond over racial slurs.

[19:53] Over being racist to each other.

[19:55] But his heart's not in it.

[19:56] His non-racist heart is not in it.

[19:59] But he and the detective...

[20:00] to agree to work together, but we're gonna do this my way, this is my town, we're gonna

[20:04] do this my way.

[20:05] Woah, woah, woah, did Sly Stallone just walk in?

[20:07] That's right, hello Dan, hello Stuart, it's me, Sylvester Stallone.

[20:10] I just walked in cause- Oh, that was our first name, that's really good.

[20:11] I heard you were watching my movie, Bullet to the Head.

[20:13] What was it like to shoot Bullet to the Head?

[20:16] I'll tell ya, I was drunk the whole time, I don't really remember.

[20:18] Alright, well I'll see ya later!

[20:20] I'm not going anywhere!

[20:21] In fact, if I could crash on your couch, I'd really appreciate it!

[20:24] That's too bad, we were hoping you were gonna go get Elliot.

[20:27] Adrian!

[20:28] Sorry, I was yelling the name of my favorite Roman Emperor, Adrian.

[20:32] So what are you guys doing this weekend?

[20:34] Maybe I could tag along!

[20:35] Oh man.

[20:36] Dan, what's the family plan?

[20:37] Hey, I'll tell you what, hey, boredom's the disease, I'm the cure, let's have a good time

[20:42] everybody!

[20:43] Okay.

[20:44] Sort of like what you said- They call me the demolition man, but I'm demolition in bad

[20:51] times.

[20:52] Hey, tell me Sarge, do we get to have fun this time?

[20:56] Wait, that was one of us, Sarge?

[20:59] Yeah, for the purposes of that catchphrase.

[21:02] Hey, stop or your mom will shoot him, right?

[21:06] Hey, that's nothing to joke about.

[21:07] It's still good, he was a treasure, a treasure of a woman, and I would appreciate it if you

[21:12] didn't drag her name through the mud!

[21:16] Dimitri will always be Sofia Petrillo, certainly the sarcastic-est of the Golden Girls, but

[21:26] in my mind, all those girls were gold.

[21:28] End of the title of the show.

[21:30] He's got a real soft heart, Sly, I didn't know.

[21:32] Yeah, it's a medical disorder.

[21:34] I can't run too fast because my heart's too soft.

[21:37] The heat from the friction will make it melt.

[21:40] Still, thanks for mentioning that, I'm pretty sensitive about it.

[21:44] I apologize.

[21:45] It's called Stallone's disease for a reason, because I have it.

[21:49] Just because you have it?

[21:52] It's not like Lou Gehrig discovered Lou Gehrig's disease!

[21:56] He just had it!

[21:58] That's Stallone's disease, it's a soft heart.

[22:00] If you could imagine a soft cheese, that's the consistency of my heart.

[22:06] What's weird is that my blood is very solid.

[22:10] If you could imagine a hard salami, that's every one of my arteries.

[22:17] It's ramming through that cheese.

[22:19] It's not even cholesterol, it's just the way I was born.

[22:21] Anyway, so, Bullet to the Head, thanks for watching.

[22:24] Gotta go, jetpack!

[22:28] Hey guys, I went to the bathroom, what did I miss?

[22:30] Oh, I don't even want to tell you.

[22:32] You could probably kill yourself, you're just so sad.

[22:35] Oh man, well, don't tell me then.

[22:37] I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy after seeing Bullet to the Head.

[22:40] So anyway, they work together.

[22:43] He uses his magic police phone to track their next quarry.

[22:47] It's called a Blackberry.

[22:49] Magic police phone, I call it.

[22:53] It would seem like magic if you were a caveman.

[22:55] It's from my movie I'm pitching, ATTPD.

[22:58] He's a police, he's a phone, but he's also a cop.

[23:03] And he's got criminal's number.

[23:07] Hey Justice, this call's for you.

[23:10] Ring, ring, you hear that?

[23:13] Discipline's on the line.

[23:17] Anyway, so they go to a very foggy spa, where the guy who hired Stallone is getting massaged.

[23:24] Stallone, from a completely clothed woman.

[23:27] From the least sleazy masseuse I've ever seen in an action movie.

[23:30] You'd expect, at the very least, she's in a bikini.

[23:33] No, she looks like she works at a spa.

[23:35] It seems like they hired an actual masseuse to do it.

[23:37] Yeah, like they were getting staff massages, or cast massages,

[23:40] and were just like, yeah, just start rolling the camera.

[23:42] You know what, this is gold. Just start filming.

[23:44] The rest of the women in this movie are so sleazy,

[23:47] that they're like, we gotta have a little fairness here.

[23:51] Good point, good point.

[23:52] Let's prove that we're not sexist by having this one actual woman.

[23:55] It's that equal time provision in the woman laws.

[24:01] So Stallone's gonna shoot this guy, but uh-oh,

[24:03] Kwan tampered with his gun, removed the firing pin.

[24:07] So they're gonna have to fist fight it in the spa,

[24:09] in kind of what a basic cable ripoff of the Eastern Promises Russian bath fight scene would be like.

[24:15] And by that I mean, you see nobody's scrotum.

[24:19] Which is the main thing.

[24:20] Nobody's nearly a single scrotum.

[24:22] Yeah, based on the Richard Russo novel, nobody's scrotum.

[24:28] Of course, and they made the TV movie Not Without My Scrotum.

[24:32] Now anyway, they find the next guy they have to go to.

[24:36] No!

[24:37] It's not like if I can parachute and they deploy behind a race car.

[24:40] Hey, hey, we leave no scrotum behind.

[24:45] This is a scrote hunt, man!

[24:47] Scrote hunt, game over!

[24:48] Anyway, so they find...

[24:50] You don't wanna talk about scrotums anymore?

[24:52] No, I don't.

[24:53] This movie is a lot of...

[24:54] It's so wrinkly!

[24:55] It's a lot of this detective and Stallone finding a guy,

[24:58] learning from him who the next guy is to find,

[25:00] and then killing that guy.

[25:03] After Stallone kills the spa guy,

[25:07] they learn the next guy they have to find is Baptiste the lawyer,

[25:10] played by Christian Slater.

[25:11] He is hosting a kind of cut-rate, eyes-wide-shut party at his house,

[25:15] where everyone's wearing masks and costumes.

[25:20] Having a ball up in masks,

[25:22] just like at the judge's house in Sweeney Todd.

[25:26] But all of the men are basically wearing masks and sort of like piratey...

[25:31] Yeah, like 18th century buccaneer costumes.

[25:33] Just like that sexy dream sequence in Labyrinth.

[25:35] And most of the women are wearing masks and no clothes at all.

[25:38] And topless or totally nude.

[25:40] Did not expect the amount of nudity in this scene.

[25:42] And what's weird is that the camera doesn't really linger on it.

[25:45] It's just in the background.

[25:47] I mean, it lingers on in the sense that there will be women,

[25:50] as you say, in the background for a long shot.

[25:52] Yeah, slow dancing with each other.

[25:53] Yeah, but it's not shot in a sexy way.

[25:57] I feel like in a Michael Bay movie, if they had this scene,

[25:59] you'd have a lot of close-ups of boobs cut together really fast.

[26:01] And then a giant robot, who's also nude, would come in.

[26:04] It's just cash, Elliot.

[26:05] This is total cash, that's right.

[26:07] It's almost like Christian Slater just hired these women

[26:09] because in the scene he was going to be in.

[26:11] But anyway, Sylvester Stallone and the detective are going to come in,

[26:15] but they're going to have to get some costumes.

[26:17] That means time to go to the costume shop!

[26:20] And they literally have a Sylvester Stallone

[26:23] trying on different masks montage.

[26:26] Pretty Stallone.

[26:28] I did not expect, when I watched the movie,

[26:30] Pretty Stallone singing.

[26:32] Shooting bullet to the head, Pretty Stallone.

[26:36] Bullet in that other head, Pretty Stallone.

[26:39] I want to shoot you in the head.

[26:43] With a bullet to the head.

[26:47] Mercy.

[26:50] No mercy.

[26:51] But I did not expect in the movie Bullet to the Head

[26:55] that there would be any sort of fashion trying on montage.

[26:57] And it's a quick one.

[26:58] It goes by in about seven seconds.

[27:00] But still, it's there.

[27:01] Their costume consists of a mask.

[27:03] And their regular street clothes.

[27:05] So they're walking around in polo t-shirt and jeans and a mask.

[27:09] And nobody bats an eye.

[27:11] They get Christian Slater while he's in the bathroom.

[27:14] Kidnap him.

[27:16] That's the only way you can get a jump on Slate Man.

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] Now and Slater.

[27:23] Now, they bring him to Sylvester Stallone's house.

[27:28] Which is, let's face it, it's a swamp shack.

[27:30] It is a Chainsaw Massacre swamp shack.

[27:33] Yeah, if you see that...

[27:35] What's that movie about the...

[27:37] What's that Tobey Hooper movie about the fucking crocodile?

[27:39] Tobey Hooper.

[27:41] It's like...

[27:42] Motel Hell?

[27:43] No, that wasn't Tobey.

[27:45] I think it just refers to Toby.

[27:47] Toby?

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:49] Whatever.

[27:50] I'm going off of Chainsaw in summer school.

[27:52] I figured he would know.

[27:53] That's how he bases all of his pronunciation choices.

[27:56] That's how I base my life, man.

[27:58] I'm following the teachings of Chainsaw.

[28:01] After you get out of the shower, do you put on a bathrobe?

[28:03] Yeah.

[28:07] I was about to say, do you order Kobe beef?

[28:09] But that is pronounced that way.

[28:10] Yeah.

[28:12] So, swamp shacks.

[28:13] They take Christian Slater to the swamp shack.

[28:15] That's where Slate lives in.

[28:16] And the cop says, I'll handle this.

[28:18] And tries to interrogate him like a cop.

[28:21] He says, we know you're doing this stuff.

[28:22] You better turn over on us.

[28:24] And then Sylvester Stallone takes a gun and hits Christian Slater in the chest.

[28:27] And Slater proceeds to give up two minutes of exposition.

[28:30] Explaining the entire plot.

[28:32] Everything that's involved.

[28:34] The blackmail.

[28:35] There's this file.

[28:36] They hired you to kill the guy with the file.

[28:38] Then they hired this other guy who's an ex-French Foreign Legion fighter and mercenary to kill you.

[28:43] And it's all stuff the audience knows already, basically.

[28:45] He could have started talking and they could have cut away and cut back.

[28:50] A note to screenwriters.

[28:51] Even if you think that your plot needs to be reiterated in that way.

[28:54] You can really do it in a few sentences.

[28:56] It's learn a lesson from North by Northwest.

[28:59] Where Leo G. Carroll, I think it is.

[29:02] Has to fill Cary Grant in on what happened in the movie.

[29:05] We know this already.

[29:06] So, we see them walk for about 20 seconds.

[29:09] And they walk past an airplane.

[29:10] And the propeller's so loud you don't hear what they're saying.

[29:12] And then when the sound comes back up, Cary Grant's like, ah, so that's what happened, huh?

[29:18] It's such a great way to just gap over all the explanation of what we've already seen.

[29:21] So, I guess what I'm saying is, bullet to the head is no North by Northwest.

[29:25] And Walter Hill, as much as I love him, is no Alfred Hitchcock.

[29:28] But anyway, especially since the mercenary and his henchmen are surrounding the swamp shack.

[29:34] So, we could just cut to that and then cut back to Christian Slater having already explained everything.

[29:38] But it turns out there's a flash drive that Christian Slater has that has all the information about where the African warlord real estate moguls' bribes have been going.

[29:47] They take the flash drive from him.

[29:48] And then the mercenaries shoot up the swamp shack.

[29:51] Oh, then Celeste Stallone shoots Christian Slater in the head.

[29:53] I forgot about that.

[29:54] Then the bad guys shoot up the swamp shack.

[29:57] Do you think that's the titular bullet?

[30:00] the head there are so many bullets to the head and every bad guy gets a bullet

[30:03] to the head it should have been called bullets to the heads

[30:07] i think i think that that's the bullet i think they're talking about

[30:10] the bullet to the head inside all of us okay like the movie is a literal bullet

[30:14] into our heads blowing our minds it's a movie bullet into our watching heads

[30:18] the opening titles do feature a bullet flying through each of the titles

[30:22] toward the camera the opening of the movie is

[30:24] you like the fact that apparently the name of the bar or whatever it was

[30:28] it's the hotel they go to they go into the hotel and it pans up and there's a

[30:32] neon a cgi neon sign on it that says bullet to the head it's the title of the

[30:36] movie but also looks like it's the bullet to the head hotel you don't want

[30:39] to stay there no you're gonna get a bullet to your head

[30:42] but the first opening shot of the movie it was literally

[30:45] the bullet a bullet smashing through all the production logos of the movie that

[30:50] they make that you're watching and i gotta tell you in a way it rivals the

[30:53] opening to rocky four when the american boxing glove and the soviet boxing

[30:57] glove punch each other and then explode but uh yeah it's not as good as that so

[31:01] stewart you would advise not going to the bullet to the head hotel

[31:04] i mean i guess it depends on if you want a bullet to your head don't order the

[31:08] room service i would advise instead staying at the happiness hotel from the

[31:11] great muppet caper because it's got a bunch of fun

[31:13] muppets in it but it's a terrible hotel yeah but it's really run down and grab

[31:17] and i help you when charles groden frames you

[31:19] for a crime just stay if you spend that much time around muppets

[31:23] they never get washed they smell terrible yeah

[31:26] they're like a wet dog is what you're saying especially ralph

[31:29] oh boy especially ralph in the rain yeah which is a painting i painted for you

[31:36] i think i really got across the sadness of ralph in the rain yeah

[31:39] yeah he's sad because his piano died did you see the tombstone in the corner that

[31:43] says r.i.p ralph's piano how did it die we hardly played ye

[31:49] termite yeah piano timer termites oh thanks

[31:53] i'm gonna hang this up in the studio studio

[31:56] yeah the flop house recording studio here in flop house city

[32:00] dan mccoy mansion one two three fake street

[32:04] no town usa planet wrong

[32:09] so anyway they get that they get the swamp shack is

[32:13] shot up with the worst animated bullets i've ever seen dan's imagining uh planet

[32:17] wrong screenplays right now what in a world where nothing is right

[32:23] planet so wrong has got to be right you may be right i may be a planet

[32:31] but it just may be a planet you are living on the people who turn out the

[32:37] light the people who listen to this podcast

[32:40] you're wasting energy for movie information are you so angry right

[32:44] now well everyone's angry at us all the

[32:46] time they have clicked unsubscribe this is not what parade magazine promised

[32:51] anyway uh they said this would be fun listener

[32:55] to make a long story short listen to make a long story short

[32:58] uh sylvester stallone and the detective kwan jump out of the swamp shack into the

[33:02] swamp and then sylvester stallone sets off

[33:04] bombs he's planted all around his own house killing all the mercenaries except

[33:09] case closed for cal drogo oh okay who jumps into the water as well

[33:12] uh kwan says that's it you're killing too many people

[33:15] and the mercenary becomes obsessed with killing sylvester stallone kwan meets

[33:19] with a new orleans lieutenant and it's the

[33:22] scene from the beginning of the movie it turns out the lieutenant is crooked all

[33:25] the cops are crooked and sylvester stallone comes and saves

[33:28] him they decide now it's time to get serious

[33:31] and get revenge because keegan cal drogo kidnaps sylvester stallone's daughter

[33:36] also there's a time when they went by sylvester stallone's daughter's house to

[33:39] look at the flash drive and she was taking a bath and got out

[33:41] of the bath and was super nude regular amount of nude but is that a butt

[33:46] double dan uh i don't i have just one but i counted

[33:50] i mean like i don't think it was a double for the

[33:53] topless shot so it would seem weird if they stuck in a butt double

[33:56] she's very private about her butt but privates

[34:00] private bucks that's an old world

[34:05] private butt and butt privates together again

[34:09] i mean buck privates was an avocastella movie sorry

[34:13] no no but lorna lardy made butt privates

[34:17] the general idea of the joke still stands they were fighting world war but

[34:23] anyway we can stop starting brad pitt what

[34:26] so you're saying butts have risen up and are destroying the world yeah

[34:30] brad pitt needs to find the cure for butts

[34:33] this is without a doubt the dumbest thing that's ever been said on this

[34:37] podcast brad pitt and michael pitt star in world

[34:42] war but i thought sean connery already found the cure for butts then lost it

[34:46] you know like you lose your butt

[34:49] in that movie medicine but with lorraine bracco yeah

[34:53] he was in the amazon butt forest what a dumb thing anyway

[34:57] it turns out ant ant butts was the cure that's what we needed we need more of

[35:02] that so keegan kidnaps the daughter and takes

[35:06] her to a warehouse where all the bad guys are just hanging out

[35:09] but they want the flash drive sylvester stallone decides

[35:12] shootable form they go to the shooting his place you can go an abandoned

[35:16] warehouse uh not a single one has realized they

[35:19] need to start wearing helmets to prevent bullets from entering their

[35:22] heads even though the name of the movie should

[35:25] warn them that's where the bullet's going exactly i've got a head i should

[35:28] protect with my bullets sylvester stallone shows up

[35:31] alone unarmed detective kwan is sneaking into the warehouse meanwhile

[35:36] and uh they basically it's like an argument or

[35:40] something sylvester stallone says to the

[35:43] the bad guy morel the mushroom king he says

[35:47] he says like oh i have your daughter give me the flash drive

[35:50] and he says okay i will but but he and he says what about that policeman

[35:56] and he goes well if you pay me enough i'll kill the policeman

[35:58] and they haggle over it and then sylvester stallone leaves

[36:01] and keegan who's really mad because a lot of his henchmen have been killed

[36:05] says you're just gonna let him go and he gets really mad

[36:09] and kills the main bad guy and some of the main bad guys

[36:16] you know what else would you expect then it's just kwan and sylvester stallone

[36:19] and keegan running around shooting the rest of the henchmen

[36:21] so this one blows up a car and then uh cal drogo and sylvester stallone

[36:27] drogo and bobo are gonna are gonna finally face off

[36:30] and there's two framed axes the plaque that says like to the fireman who

[36:35] saved the city 1910 and he breaks open the case takes out

[36:39] the axes and sylvester stallone goes what are we vikings and then they fight

[36:43] with axes for a while and what was frankly a pretty good axe fight i have

[36:46] to admit and like i like a good axe fight it's better than all the axe

[36:50] fights and abraham lincoln vampire on it that's

[36:52] for damn sure and uh cal drogo sure and it was also a fight that had like an

[36:59] arc to it in that when it starts out sylvester stallone is

[37:02] losing he's at he's not in as good a shape he's not as

[37:04] young he's not as big as this other guy and if ever there was a movie that

[37:07] reminded you that sylvester stallone is a very short man it is this one yeah

[37:10] but it's almost like he can't swing a wide axe it's like

[37:14] stallone usually has tricks that he has directors do to make him look taller and

[37:17] as if walter hill was like yeah i'm not doing that

[37:19] yeah look we're just shooting it normal uh and so

[37:23] it's but it's a pretty good axe fight and they're fighting and fighting and it

[37:26] ends with sylvester stallone uh stabbing through cal drogo's foot

[37:31] with an axe then stabbing him in the neck with a

[37:34] knife because he's had this this automatic knife he's been carrying

[37:37] around the whole movie uh and then kwan shoots uh keegan in the

[37:42] head yeah right in the head bullets in the head because he's learned the

[37:45] lesson which is justice is only served with a bullet to the head

[37:48] kwan gets the flash drive and sylvester stallone shoots kwan in the shoulder

[37:51] and then says when they come by say that the bad guys

[37:54] got shooty and i killed all of them and then you tried to apprehend me and i

[37:57] shot you it's the old it's the old hey guys

[38:01] i'm back how you doing oh man that's great i just went out to get some

[38:05] tostitos who wants some nacho chips

[38:11] restaurant style if you want usually you'd have to go to a restaurant to get

[38:14] chips like this but tostitos just makes them

[38:17] okay you guys i got three bags one for each of us but i'm gonna eat two

[38:20] so you guys share this one bag the hgh really makes me hungry for salt

[38:26] thanks i'm not hungry but thank you you're gonna eat it

[38:29] hey uh so uh you done with the bag of tostitos yet because i finished my two

[38:33] okay take it can i take yours thanks i just down these things like crazy

[38:38] people tell me all the time sly you gotta eat fewer tostitos and i'm like

[38:41] what it's restaurant style quality yeah i don't understand they tell you about

[38:45] the gym or on the saturday yeah they told me at the gym what's that you

[38:49] think i don't work out enough no i go to the gym all the time i mean

[38:53] for your age you look great thank you what do you mean for my age i mean

[38:57] you work better than you no i know maybe not better than stewart thanks

[39:01] okay um yeah look at this i'm shredded like a ninja turtle oh god

[39:05] i got abs like lettuce oh jesus i'm like a beef jerky at muscles

[39:11] you're like a it's like an ostrich skin leather

[39:15] pouch uh bag down there thank you okay thank you very much i appreciate that i

[39:20] have been working out i did also get an ostrich skin graft

[39:24] i lost some skin in an accident involving sandpaper and one of those

[39:29] remote control helicopters that you get for kids

[39:32] you know like those hover drones yeah and some sandpaper anyway long story

[39:35] short i lost some skin the only thing that

[39:37] matched my natural texture was ostrich you gotta tan it really dry it out

[39:43] then you you put it on thank you yeah you don't want that ostrich skin dan

[39:47] oh no it shrinks look i apologize i didn't mean any

[39:50] smells like ralph in the rain like a wet muppet hey we were just talking about

[39:54] that really i was just thinking about it let

[39:56] me show you this painting i painted it's called a bullet to ralph

[40:00] It's me shooting Rolf in the head.

[40:02] Now, I don't think Muppets really have brains.

[40:05] I think it's a hand inside there, but I painted it like it's brains.

[40:08] God, it's like a rust red, uh, like cotton balls coming out of his head.

[40:14] Yeah, that's what I used to model it.

[40:15] Very, yeah, very good. You got a good eye for art.

[40:17] Watch what's inside all of us, Dan.

[40:19] Anyway, I'll see you guys later. I'm gonna go on like kind of a Tostito binge.

[40:24] Goodbye.

[40:25] Rocket car!

[40:28] Hey guys, what'd I miss?

[40:31] I just went into kind of a fugue state for a couple minutes.

[40:35] Yeah, I was trying to wake you up, but you weren't doing anything.

[40:37] No, no.

[40:37] Stallone only travels by rocket-powered transportation.

[40:42] What the hell does that mean?

[40:43] I'm sorry.

[40:44] Forget, you forget. I've been unconscious.

[40:46] I apologize.

[40:47] I don't know who you were talking to or how we traveled.

[40:49] It's a common screenwriting mistake.

[40:52] You need characters to explain everything to every other character to show that they know it.

[40:56] Like in the movie, Bullet to the Head, which then ends with Sylvester Stallone's daughter decides to stay with Kwan to make sure he gets help.

[41:03] They've really hit it off in the twice that they've met.

[41:06] He's got a great head of hair.

[41:08] That's true. He does.

[41:09] And it turns out, I mean, he's a good-looking guy.

[41:11] And it turns out that Kwan just leaves Bobo out of the story.

[41:14] Sylvester Stallone, free to go despite all the people he's killed.

[41:18] They meet up at a bar and Kwan says, look, I'm fucking your daughter.

[41:22] He doesn't say it that way.

[41:23] Way lamer than that.

[41:24] He's like, we got to know each other really well.

[41:26] In fact, very well.

[41:28] And Sylvester's like, oh, you guys know each other very well, huh?

[41:31] And he says, look, I'm not going to arrest you for the people you've killed in the past.

[41:34] But if you get out of line again, I'm going to arrest you.

[41:37] And Sylvester Stallone's like, all right, well, whatever.

[41:39] And then says, and because I deserved it, I got myself a nice car.

[41:43] And gets in what, a Porsche and drives away.

[41:46] And that's the end of the movie.

[41:48] It's not even a super sporty car.

[41:50] It's like a BMW.

[41:51] No, it's a sport.

[41:51] No, it's got the Mustang logo on the front.

[41:54] You forget that Darren is a gearhead.

[41:56] I forgot, Dan.

[41:57] I forgot you're a gearhead.

[41:58] You know cars.

[41:59] I have this gear in my head, which allows me to access the internet in Google cars.

[42:03] You're like a regular Phineas Gage.

[42:05] The thing that bothered me about Kwan's line, about how he got to know Stallone's daughter really well,

[42:12] is his arc was supposed to be that he went from kind of a wimpier guy to a tougher, no-nonsense guy.

[42:18] And he's just still the same wimpy guy.

[42:20] Yeah.

[42:20] Well, he was never super wimpy.

[42:22] I mean, he had a gun and he was a cop and everything.

[42:23] So, are you saying he's regressing to more of a wimp state?

[42:27] That's not what I'm saying at all.

[42:29] But you're saying he should just be like, I'm boning your daughter now.

[42:32] Yeah, I mean, maybe not that.

[42:34] Deal with it.

[42:34] And then he should order a bullet rye to show that he picked something up from the old man.

[42:41] But he doesn't.

[42:41] Instead, it becomes a commercial for a car at the end,

[42:44] after having been a commercial for whiskey and cell phones the whole time.

[42:47] So, thanks to a special guest appearance by a celebrity that...

[42:54] I missed it?

[42:55] Yeah, you missed it. I'm sorry.

[42:56] Oh, who was the celebrity?

[42:57] Was it MC Scatcat?

[42:59] We've sure been talking about him.

[43:00] No.

[43:01] MC Scatganycat.

[43:03] But we've got to move on to our final judgments on this.

[43:07] Final judgments.

[43:08] Was this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie kind of like...

[43:11] Stuart, what do you have to say?

[43:13] It is a movie hovering between a bad-bad movie and a movie I kind of liked, I guess,

[43:20] because it isn't a good-bad movie in any way.

[43:22] No, it's not like a silly, fun-to-make-fun of movie.

[43:25] But no, it was pretty terrible, and it wasn't even grim-tough enough for me to enjoy.

[43:33] I've got to say, it was a movie I kind of liked, other than the exposition, which was excessive.

[43:39] For a 90-minute movie, it was very excessive.

[43:42] To have the plot explained to us, I think, five times.

[43:45] But it was, in fact, a 90-minute movie, and it also was a movie that was in that tradition of very stripped-down,

[43:55] B-action movies where not a lot crazy happened.

[44:00] It was just a couple of tough guys, and there was just a bunch of naked ladies walking around for not much of a reason.

[44:06] I also kind of liked it, but it is a bad movie, but I kind of liked it.

[44:11] It felt like a real throwback to 80s action movies and made very few concessions to the time period that we are living in right now.

[44:20] Other than cell phones.

[44:22] Other than cell phones, but I mean in terms of plot, in terms of style.

[44:25] Even the soundtrack was very guitar and harmonica, like a midnight-run 80s soundtrack.

[44:32] There were a few weird technical things.

[44:35] There would be these weird cuts with flare effects, and suddenly you'd be 10 hours later or something, and it just made no sense.

[44:43] Dreamlike.

[44:45] It was real hallucinogenic.

[44:48] There was a fun axe fight. A lot of people got bullets to the head.

[44:51] Nude ladies were walking around, and I have a soft spot for Sylvester Stallone, and I don't mean my heart.

[44:57] I mean it is my heart, but I don't have a soft heart. It's Stallone's disease, in case you guys haven't heard of it.

[45:01] Sad, really.

[45:03] But yeah, this is a movie I kind of liked.

[45:06] If you're looking for a stripped-down, stupid action movie, this is not the worst one to watch in the past couple of years.

[45:13] I would just say that having last episode, I recommended The Last Stand, I think.

[45:18] And I think for a comeback, stripped-down action movie, I think you'll find better thrills there.

[45:24] In The Last Stand.

[45:27] So now it's time to turn to the Flophouse movie mailbag.

[45:31] We've got plenty of time for a letter song, right?

[45:35] Yeah, I think we do.

[45:37] And it goes like this.

[45:39] It's letters time, letters time.

[45:42] Time for those letters.

[45:44] Check the clock and see what time it is.

[45:46] It's a trick question, all the numbers say letters.

[45:49] All the time is letters time.

[45:51] All the letters, all the time.

[45:53] Time for letters, all the time.

[45:54] It's time for letters time right now, right now, right now, right now, right now.

[45:59] Time for the letters right now.

[46:02] I'm a letter from the bad part of town.

[46:05] I got a dream of being on the Flophouse.

[46:08] Will it be me?

[46:10] Pick me, pick me.

[46:11] Will it be me?

[46:14] I'm a rich snob letter, but even I have a dream to be on the Flophouse.

[46:19] I can't buy my way in.

[46:21] It's the one thing that money can't buy is the Flophouse.

[46:25] I'm back from the war.

[46:27] I'm a letter.

[46:28] Saw some things that I wish I could forget.

[46:31] Time to unload on the Flophouse, guys.

[46:34] My master was killed.

[46:36] I'm a letter in feudal Japan.

[46:39] Now I have to get revenge, then seppuku.

[46:42] But first the Flophouse.

[46:44] Can you save me from Bushido?

[46:48] This letter is titled, Think of the Children.

[46:50] I'm an unborn letter.

[46:52] Think of the children.

[46:53] So much potential.

[46:55] Spencer last name withheld.

[46:56] Haven't even been written yet, but my soul exists.

[46:59] Oh, wait, say again, what's going on?

[47:01] This is a letter titled, Think of the Children, from Spencer last name withheld.

[47:05] Of Spencer's gifts.

[47:06] It goes, Dear Floppers, I was hoping to get your opinion on 1994's Milk Money,

[47:11] where Melanie Griffith takes $100.

[47:13] Oh, a friend of mine auditioned for a role in that when he was a kid.

[47:16] He did not get it.

[47:17] Melanie Griffith takes $100 from a group of three boys.

[47:19] For a Melanie Griffith role?

[47:21] Well, he wanted to play the role of money, but he got the role of milk.

[47:25] That was the Harvey Milk story, right?

[47:27] After the letter song, I can't even get through the letter.

[47:29] So, Melanie Griffith takes $100 to have sex with a kid's dad.

[47:32] From a group of three boys to briefly show them her boobs.

[47:36] Oh, that's what happens.

[47:37] Now give me a fucking break.

[47:38] How can that be considered anything less than blatant exploitation of naive children?

[47:42] She's a prostitute by profession, and their $100, roughly $150,

[47:46] considering inflation, should garner way more in the open market.

[47:50] So is this just a podcast for people to write in with their random complaints

[47:53] about movies from 15 years ago, 20 years ago?

[47:56] I'm not advocating her getting involved.

[47:57] The value of Melanie Griffith's boobs is way less than $100.

[48:01] I'm not advocating her getting involved in a gangbang with a bunch of 12-year-olds.

[48:05] I hope not.

[48:06] That would have been the ending of the movie, or no, book of it, right?

[48:10] But would it kill her to get a movie?

[48:12] Would it kill her to give them some full frontal nudity, a brief grope,

[48:16] or maybe even throw one of the kids a handjob?

[48:18] All of that would be illegal.

[48:20] You picked this letter.

[48:22] Dan, I could be singing a very wholesome song about the cast of characters in the letters.

[48:27] Look, I was not able to select letters earlier today,

[48:31] and I just gave a cursory election to these letters.

[48:34] You saw Milk Money, you said, oh, great, I like that movie.

[48:38] So I think it says a lot about her character

[48:42] and helps explain how her love interest goes from being a mild-mannered school teacher

[48:45] to the eventual mastermind of a large-scale terrorist attack on San Francisco.

[48:49] He means Ed Harris.

[48:50] Sincerely, it's been the last name withheld.

[48:52] Gifts.

[48:53] You are right.

[48:55] Milk Money is gross.

[48:58] The idea of it is gross.

[49:00] A bunch of kids buy a prostitute for one of the kids' dads.

[49:03] Well, they buy the prostitute's boobs for their eyes.

[49:05] Let's continue this standard of letters coming in about older movies that people have problems with.

[49:12] Was he thinking about this for a long time?

[49:14] I love that standard.

[49:16] I would love it if it turned into people complaining about it.

[49:19] If you see a movie from forever ago and you have an issue with it,

[49:23] hey, I just saw Getting Even with Dad,

[49:26] so he hid the money in a bag on a mannequin?

[49:28] How did nobody find it before him?

[49:30] Also, they grafted this weird environmentalist cause onto this movie about a prostitute and some kids.

[49:38] I don't remember that at all.

[49:40] That's the one where the stepmother was an alien, right?

[49:42] No, that was my stepmother's name, and you thought your family was weird.

[49:46] That was called Robot in the Family.

[49:48] That was called Robot Jocks in the Family.

[49:51] Oh, Robot in the Family, I haven't thought about that movie in a long time.

[49:53] The most irritating robot in movie history.

[49:56] Meow, I'm a cat letter.

[49:58] Meow, meow, meow.

[50:00] So this letter is titled a chance for a mutual MC gamey. Greetings floppers. I

[50:08] don't know what that means. True story on my late father's deathbed

[50:11] or in stolen terms. Dan you really didn't listen to any of these letters at a time

[50:15] did you? True story on my late father's deathbed or in stolen terms my late

[50:18] father. Okay. He used his last breath to beg me to achieve his unfulfilled life's dream

[50:23] to open a chain of restaurants that would specialize in serving duffel bags

[50:27] filled with sauerkraut and to hire MC Ganey to help market the venture in

[50:31] character as Murdoch from Wild Hogs. It's pretty expensive. So imagine my distress

[50:35] when I heard your plans for a similar venture to use them to promote garbage

[50:38] bags full of coleslaw. Yeah. Rather than go the seasoned assist route I'm hoping

[50:43] we reach some sort of mutually beneficial agreement. You could have

[50:46] Monday, Wednesday, Friday and I could use them on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. After

[50:50] all there's a lot of Ganey to go around. There's another day of the week or does

[50:53] MC Ganey take the Sabbath off? On an unrelated note, I have size 15 feet which I've

[50:58] always viewed as a curse because they're easy to trip over and cost a small

[51:02] fortune to put shoes on. Is this a stream of consciousness segment? What's going on?

[51:07] Aren't people supposed to write in and tell Dan how great he is? But if nothing

[51:11] else they would apparently be an object of desire for Elliot. Oh yeah my bigfoot

[51:16] fetish. Yours floppily, Elliot screw with holding my last name and also I have a

[51:20] podcast too called Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua and if you'd mentioned that

[51:23] it would be awesome. Meeker. What's the podcast about? Apparently

[51:28] Smoking Chihuahua. Oh well I'm sold. We here at the Flop House don't endorse any dog

[51:35] smoking. We have a Marmaduke smoking. That's pretty cool then if he's wearing

[51:40] sunglasses. I bet he would smoke like a big cigar too. Not like a dog. He wouldn't have a

[51:46] fucking deerstalker hat and a pipe or something. It would basically be the scene in

[51:49] Oliver and Company where the child was smoking a cigar. You think he would have

[51:52] like a Calabash pipe? Yeah he'd have a Caliban pipe. A Taliban pipe? A Taliban.

[51:58] So yeah I think we can share MC Ganey much like Alan Moore and his wife

[52:04] shared that woman for a while. Yep Melinda Gabby. And the woman they

[52:11] shared. No the woman they shared his name is lost to history I think. I think it's

[52:14] Lost in Alan Moore's Beard. Lost Girls. Rated R. I think it's rated X actually. Yeah probably but yeah

[52:23] and Garbage Bag Full of Coleslaw. And good luck with your podcast. Blame-o. Still a valid

[52:29] restaurant if anyone wants to invest in it. So our last. Yeah and Cigarette Smoke. What was it

[52:34] called? Smoking Chihuahua? Yeah. Okay. Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua. Tales of the

[52:37] Smoking Chihuahua. Tales of the Gold Monkey. This last letter is titled letters

[52:43] you've got ellipses. Letters. And it's from Sarah Lastname Withheld. She writes.

[52:50] Sarah Dan's wife. Stop recording and make your friends leave. I'm trying to sleep.

[52:56] Sirs if you can see from this crummy phone picture my dreary cubicle is

[53:00] livened up by one of my favorite eBay photos. Edward G Robinson, Hope Hampton,

[53:05] and Herbert Marshall yucking it up in 1939. There was a lot to laugh about in

[53:10] 1939. Elliot never needs to apologize again for recommending studio-era

[53:14] classics. There's at least one of us out there that lives in the Flophouse

[53:16] podcast slash TCM Vin Diagram overlap. Oh thank you Sarah. I have two classic

[53:22] movie related questions. One, no appearance by Gene Tierney in the Elliot

[53:26] Kalin Starfucker TV series? Knowing Elliot's preference for brunettes, I

[53:30] would have thought that she would have certainly made the list. Well you got to

[53:33] say something for season two. And number two, who played the recurring role of

[53:38] cockblocker on Elliot Kalin Starfucker? Sidney Greenstreet? Leo Gorsy?

[53:43] Angelo Recito? Why am I not choosing handsome guys? Am I doing this wrong? I

[53:48] think either Leo Gorsy would be great. Maybe Akeem Tamaroff or possibly Dan

[53:53] McCoy. In the future as well. I'm like the evil leaper in like the

[54:00] Quantum Leap. I think it's more like while I'm going through the time

[54:02] transporter you go, hey I brought your lunch and you jump in with me and you're

[54:07] my bumbling sidekick who gets... Oh so you're not... I don't actually get to fuck any

[54:11] stars. Oh no, in fact you get chased by a gorilla in every episode. That fucks me.

[54:17] No, not at all. There's nothing funny about it. There's nothing any

[54:22] human can do that deserves it. Unless it's consensual, dude. Yeah, okay, unless you're into it, yeah. No matter what trading places may

[54:28] have taught us, there's nothing funny about being screwed by a gorilla. Look, I've done a

[54:32] PowerPoint, I have literally done a PowerPoint presentation about this. If it's consensual, it's not

[54:36] funny because it's erotic in that point. But there is nothing funny about gorillas raping people in

[54:42] movies. Let me just say this, there is no crime so horrible that it deserves... Like a monkey throwing a bone at a mollusk.

[54:48] Yeah, throwing a bone. So I hope that answers your question about Gene Tierney.

[54:58] Gene is that season two. We've got a lot saved up, don't worry. But now we need to

[55:04] move on. I'm going to do an episode where it's all Genes. Gene Tierney, Gene Arthur, Gene Kelly.

[55:08] Wow, sure. I mean, well, he's got... And they're going to get out of it. Imagine he has muscular thighs. Out of his genes, what? So this last segment of our podcast is where we make

[55:19] recommendations of movies to watch that you might actually enjoy. That we think are good. I'll start

[55:27] for once. Do it. I watched a movie this last weekend called Big Brown Eyes, starring Cary Grant. I see Stuart squinting as if he wants to make a joke about an anus. But I will cut that off. It is a movie that is clearly meant to be in the thin man vein. It is Cary Grant as a cop. And I forget the name of the woman who

[55:57] played his lady friend, but they are both kind of equal partners in trying to crack a crime case. Just say Cary Grant, but spelled C-A-R-R-I-E. Sure. And she's got telekinetic powers. So Cary Grant's a cop and his lady friend starts out as a manicurist. Magical dispel. His lady friend starts out as a manicurist, becomes a newspaper woman briefly, and then returns to being a manicurist. Something I love about a certain type of 30s movie is that they just go wherever the plot takes them.

[56:27] Yep. And characters just go on a journey. Yep. That's exactly right. She's a newspaper woman as long as the plot needs her to influence the criminals through putting out newspaper headlines. And then it's back to manicurist, her first true love.

[56:45] But this is, you know, Cary Grant obviously appeared in a lot of really great classic movies. But it's sort of a treat to find a second tier Cary Grant movie that you may not have heard of that's also a lot of fun. This is kind of a screwball mystery. It's nowhere near as good as The Thin Man or something like that. But it moves along very quickly. It's 77 minutes. It's got a lot of snappy dialogue. It's got a lot of plot turns.

[57:15] And it's directed by Raoul Walsh, who was a great old Hollywood director. Sure. High Sierra. All sorts of stuff. So that's my recommendation. Big brown eyes.

[57:28] Should I go or would you like to go? Elliot, I would like to go now. OK, I'm going to recommend. I think it was from last year, a documentary called The Queen of Versailles pronounced it mostly correctly.

[57:42] The first three words you pronounce correctly. Think about the things that I do. So The Queen of Versailles. The Queen of Vermasterbate. Oh, boy. So, OK, guys, The Queen of Versailles is a movie about a it's a documentary that started out as a chronicling of this Florida family building the world's largest single family home.

[58:06] And midway through the construction, the housing market collapses and the documentary shifts tone to watching this family go from like uber hyper wealthy, slightly less riches from a big house to the poor house. And just what? But it's it manages to be a really interesting thing.

[58:25] So, yeah, unless you can't hack it on the outside, but it's better prison. Wait, debtor's prison. Hellraiser sequel. So Dexter's prison. Oh, terrible. So it's a really shitty show that Stuart hates. Awesome. You go there because you like it.

[58:52] So and the movie ends up being it ends up being like the story of the American, like the housing collapse in America, kind of writ large. And it's amazing how much sympathy you have by the end of it for these rich people who are terrible, but they're also human beings.

[59:13] You are reminded that people who are awful are also human beings. Yeah. And you also get to see a lot of shots of dog shit on the floor. Yeah. So if you like seeing dog shit and dead pets at a certain point, it seems like they're building the world's biggest grey gardens, just dog shit and animals running around and half finished construction in grey gardens.

[59:32] The grey gardens theme amusement park. Yeah, I'd go to that. Great gardens. Yeti corn. What rides would they have at the great gardens amusement park? The lion bed. The end of the scarves go round and the roller coaster is just called yelling at little lady. I'm going to recommend a movie now. How about that, fellas? You had your turn.

[1:00:00] And now it's my turn.

[1:00:01] Oh, man.

[1:00:02] Seven pounds?

[1:00:03] Seven pounds, or just like Wolverine said in that story in the Hellfire Club.

[1:00:08] What?

[1:00:09] Wait, what?

[1:00:10] He says, like, you had your shot, now it's mine, or whatever it is.

[1:00:11] And then he punches somebody to death or something?

[1:00:13] When he's in the sewers.

[1:00:14] Then he does punch a guy.

[1:00:15] OK.

[1:00:16] Afterwards.

[1:00:17] Anyway.

[1:00:18] Now it's the best of what he does, and what he does is recommend movies.

[1:00:19] Thank you.

[1:00:20] Anyway, from that messy X-Men reference, I'm going to go to the movie I'm recommending,

[1:00:23] and it's a movie called Close Up.

[1:00:25] It's an Iranian film from 1990 that is part documentary, part docudrama.

[1:00:30] Part doc.

[1:00:31] It's part documentary, part horse, part lion, with the tail of a snake.

[1:00:37] A creature from Greek myths.

[1:00:41] It's a film by Alice...

[1:00:42] Look out, Theseus.

[1:00:45] Your mother-in-law's in town.

[1:00:48] Man, fighting a minotaur was better than this.

[1:00:53] The Momotaur, starring Theseus, with Seth Rogen as Theseus, and Judah Friedlander as

[1:00:59] the minotaur.

[1:01:00] Momotaur.

[1:01:01] The Momotaur is played by Kathy Najimy.

[1:01:04] I like it.

[1:01:05] The late Ann Ramsey.

[1:01:06] Is that who they have?

[1:01:07] From, uh...

[1:01:08] Throw Mama from the Train?

[1:01:09] Yeah, exactly.

[1:01:10] Yeah, sure.

[1:01:11] Throw Minotaur from the Train.

[1:01:12] Crisscross.

[1:01:13] I'll kill your wife, you'll kill the minotaur.

[1:01:14] They'll never suspect us.

[1:01:15] You have no motive for killing the minotaur.

[1:01:16] Exactly.

[1:01:17] Throw Minotaur from the Train.

[1:01:26] Billy Crystal.

[1:01:27] Danny DeVito in a minotaur.

[1:01:28] The hard part was getting a minotaur.

[1:01:29] There's a nationwide casting search.

[1:01:30] All these minotaurs lined up holding the sides in their hands.

[1:01:35] And they picked a plucky, young, unknown minotaur from Kansas City.

[1:01:38] So I'm recommending the movie Close-Up, it's a movie directed by Abbas Kiryostami, anyway,

[1:02:05] you may know him from a lot of other Iranian movies.

[1:02:08] He's a major filmmaker, but this is a movie that it's kind of part documentary and part

[1:02:12] reenactment using the people who actually did these things in real life.

[1:02:17] And it's about the story of a guy who was an impoverished printer's clerk who basically

[1:02:24] decided to, he was mistaken one day by a woman as another Iranian director, Mohsen Makhmaboff,

[1:02:31] and he basically decided to just pretend to be that director and went to this woman's

[1:02:35] family's house and spent a lot of time with this family pretending like he was going to

[1:02:39] make a movie in their house.

[1:02:41] They were going to be in it, putting them through rehearsals, borrowing money from them,

[1:02:45] and eventually they found out he was not the man he said he was and he was arrested.

[1:02:50] And this movie is a combination of footage of the trial that he went through and just

[1:02:57] seeing how Iran conducted a trial at that time and maybe still was interesting, but

[1:03:02] then also the real people that this happened to reenacting scenes of what happened in real

[1:03:09] life in this story.

[1:03:10] And it becomes a very touching and moving story about a man who kind of just wants to

[1:03:17] feel important and does something that doesn't really hurt anybody but is still an abuse

[1:03:22] of trust and you have to wonder what it was like for these people to reenact the scenes

[1:03:30] that they went through with this man who fooled them for the camera.

[1:03:34] And it's a little slow at times, but overall, it's really good and just a different type

[1:03:38] of movie and very interesting, and I'd recommend it.

[1:03:41] It's called Close-Up.

[1:03:42] Three movies.

[1:03:43] Yeah.

[1:03:44] Well, guys.

[1:03:45] I think first, we should make one final recommendation.

[1:03:51] We should recommend people that like our podcast to go check out All Things Comedy for the

[1:03:56] other podcasts over there.

[1:03:57] There's a whole network of good podcasts over there.

[1:03:59] It's like a bullet of comedy to your head.

[1:04:01] And the thing they have in common, it's all comedy.

[1:04:03] It's like a bullet to your funny bone.

[1:04:05] Ow, that would hurt.

[1:04:06] No, it wouldn't.

[1:04:07] It would make you laugh.

[1:04:08] It's like All Things Comedy.

[1:04:10] Normally, you go into a place, most things comedy, they've got one tragedy thing over

[1:04:15] in the corner.

[1:04:16] Yeah.

[1:04:17] Some things comedy, majority sadness.

[1:04:19] This is like if the All Thing, the legendary beginning of democracy in Europe, aside from

[1:04:26] your Scandinavian democracy, was comedy.

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:30] All Things Comedy.

[1:04:31] Allthingscomedy.com.

[1:04:32] Yeah.

[1:04:33] That was basically what I was going to say before you guys interrupted me.

[1:04:36] I'm sorry.

[1:04:37] What were you going to say?

[1:04:38] I was going to go jabber on about the all thing and Swedish mythology.

[1:04:41] Okay.

[1:04:42] Well, they've got a lot of good podcasts there, so give it a listen.

[1:04:46] Allthingscomedy.com.

[1:04:47] Rated R.

[1:04:48] But our podcast has to come to an end.

[1:04:51] Must it?

[1:04:52] It must.

[1:04:54] And to that end, I say mustard is delicious.

[1:04:57] We put on our little sleeping caps.

[1:04:59] Yeah.

[1:05:00] We tuck ourselves in.

[1:05:01] We snuggle up inside a little sardine can bed.

[1:05:05] We're all wearing our pajamas.

[1:05:06] Because we're all mouth sized.

[1:05:07] We're all wearing our pajamas.

[1:05:09] For Stuart, it's a long underwear with a peekaboo butt flap.

[1:05:12] Yeah.

[1:05:13] For me, it is like a baby onesie with no feet.

[1:05:15] And I'm wearing the lingerie that Frankenfurter wears in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[1:05:20] And we're all tucked in an anchovy can.

[1:05:22] We use the key to pull it up so we can go to sleep.

[1:05:25] We blow out the firefly that's sitting next to us as a light.

[1:05:28] Like what, with a gun or something?

[1:05:30] No, we just blow on its butt and it knows to turn its light out.

[1:05:33] Yeah.

[1:05:34] And I whisper to you, good night, everyone.

[1:05:37] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:05:38] And I've been Stuart Vallington.

[1:05:40] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:43] See you in our dreams.

[1:05:45] Private Bart.

[1:05:46] That was creepy.

[1:05:47] It's not like there are a bunch of abominable snowmen or women in this case.

[1:06:06] Or as the case may be, snow women.

[1:06:08] I'm Stuart Vallington, equal opportunity cryptozoologist.

Flop House CLASSIC FAVORITE - Bullet to the Head

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