Flop House CLASSIC FAVORITE - Bullet to the Head

[0:00] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:35] And I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] Just a little character I was trying out.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] This new character was just you, but German.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] Yeah, I mean, that was my Werner Herzog impression.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] But he says, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] Yeah, all the time.

[0:49] Well, he was doing a character, too.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] That was more of like a German, like, I'm a bad little boy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:54] Yeah, that's what Werner Herzog sounds like.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Yeah, that's his catchphrase.

[0:58] He's more of a...

[0:59] Ich bin Werner Herzog und ich bin ein bad little, bad, kleiner boy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Ich bin ein total bad dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] Ich bin ein original party animal.

Dan McCoy

[1:13] No, I feel like a Stuart Werner Herzog would be more like, I stare into the core's light and I see no sense of sympathy or understanding.

[1:23] Only a black boy.

[1:24] That sounds more like Henry Kissinger doing a Stuart Werner Herzog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:29] It's me, Werner Herzog.

[1:32] Because that's exactly how I sounded, Dan.

[1:34] Oh, okay.

[1:35] Mmm, yummy.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] So I've forgotten what this podcast is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] My tummy is rumbling.

[1:42] He's been so hungry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] I love blooperies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47] Blooperies.

[1:48] Wait, are those blueberries or bloopers?

[1:50] Wait, what?

[1:52] Herzog does he love?

[1:53] He misses the blooper shows?

[1:55] What's ever happened to bloopers and practical jokes?

[1:59] With the Sergio Aragonese cartoon?

Dan McCoy

[2:03] Just because Dick Clark is no longer involved does not mean we can't have bloopers.

[2:07] Oh, resting in peace, Oze.

[2:11] I think, and this is a high bar to clear.

[2:14] I think this must be the most nonsense at the top of a show.

[2:18] This is 100% nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] Click save on the device.

[2:22] The computer.

[2:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] Until we figure out what it's called, this is called the device.

[2:29] And, Dan, what do we do in this podcast?

[2:31] This is a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] You might not guess it from what we've done so far.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] This is a Werner Herzog podcast.

[2:37] No.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] This is a podcast about bad movies.

[2:40] It's called the Zogcast.

[2:41] It's called the flop of the Zoghouse.

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] Send that fuck face back to Krypton.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] Where we watch a movie that was either a critical or commercial flop.

[2:49] Take that for a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] I wish.

[2:50] Now I want to, I haven't seen Man of Steel, but I want to watch it and have had some

[2:54] I've had someone edited you in so that when Zod is doing his televised address, Stuart

[2:58] just turns to the camera and goes, send that fuck face back to Krypton.

[3:02] And then the movie continues as before.

Dan McCoy

[3:06] It's not that hard.

[3:07] You can just edit that in.

[3:08] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[3:08] That's what I want to do.

[3:09] Okay.

[3:10] So Dan, Flophouse.

[3:11] Again.

[3:11] What do we do?

Dan McCoy

[3:12] This is a, we watch a movie.

[3:14] It's a podcast.

[3:15] A movie that was either a commercial or a critical flop.

[3:17] Uh-huh.

[3:17] And then we discuss it.

[3:19] And tonight we watched a little film called Bullet to the Head.

Stuart Wellington

[3:24] Bullet to the Head.

[3:28] Read it R.

[3:28] Bullet to the Head, chaps.

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:32] All right.

[3:32] Hello, hello.

[3:33] This is the impression cast, right?

[3:35] What's that?

[3:35] Clive Owen?

[3:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] In England, it was released as Bullet to the Apostasy.

[3:39] E-A-D.

[3:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] Uh.

[3:44] Hello, hello.

[3:45] Good day, chaps.

[3:46] Rated R.

[3:47] Now, Bullet to the Head.

Stuart Wellington

[3:48] They have a different rating system, Elliot.

[3:49] You just fucked up that joke.

[3:50] Oh, sorry.

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:51] Rated.

[3:52] You'll fix it, right, Dan?

[3:53] Just fix it in post.

[3:54] UK17.

[3:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] Certificate, yeah, exactly.

[3:58] Of authenticity.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] This movie is real.

[4:00] It's like a number with a circle around it or something.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] So, Bullet to the Head is a.

[4:03] It's a real video nasty.

[4:04] It's an action movie starring our favorite.

[4:07] Not our favorite.

[4:08] Nicolas Cage is our favorite.

[4:09] Starring a favorite of mine, Sly Stallone.

[4:11] Mm-hmm.

[4:12] Uh.

[4:12] Yeah.

[4:12] And another.

[4:14] Called that because he's part Fox.

[4:17] Yeah, because he was named after his grandfather, Slylock Fox.

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:20] The Sunday comic strips detective.

[4:22] What happened to his best friend, Max Mouse?

[4:25] Oh, he died.

[4:25] Yeah.

[4:26] It's sad.

[4:26] They don't live.

[4:27] Mice don't live very long, Dan.

[4:28] No.

[4:29] Okay.

[4:29] Yeah.

[4:30] The foxes.

[4:30] Oh, forever.

[4:31] Years and years.

[4:32] Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies.

Dan McCoy

[4:38] They get caught in a trap.

[4:40] A deadly trap.

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] It was a mouse.

[4:42] It was a mouse hole of deceit and seduction.

Dan McCoy

[4:47] It was like a game of something and mouse.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Let's say house and mouse.

[4:53] Sure.

[4:54] So, Bull in the Head stars Sylvester Stallone.

[4:55] It was directed by Walter Hill.

[4:56] It was a huge flop.

[4:57] It was an enormous flop.

[4:59] According to Wikipedia, this was the second worst box office weekend opening in Sylvester

[5:04] Stallone's career.

[5:05] I actually didn't realize how big a flop this was.

Stuart Wellington

[5:07] I just want to interrupt.

[5:08] I know Dan just said this is a monster flop.

[5:11] There isn't a monster in this movie.

[5:12] No.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] I mean, Sylvester Stallone looks like a monster.

[5:15] Sylvester Stallone.

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] Unless you count Khal Drogo.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] Yeah, I guess he's true.

[5:18] But here's the thing, actually.

[5:19] Sylvester Stallone looks a lot less like a monster than he does in John Rambo.

[5:23] Yeah.

[5:23] I guess they just called it Rambo when they released it.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:25] But there are scenes in that movie where he just looks like a bear with a human head running

[5:29] through the jungle.

[5:31] There's a part where he's underneath a bridge and he's been shot, I think.

[5:34] You're being pretty charitable with the term human, I think.

[5:37] There's a scene where he's like running through a tunnel underneath a bridge and it looks like

[5:42] Frankenstein's monster has escaped from the lab.

[5:45] But he's slimmed down a little bit in that he's no longer addicted to human growth hormone.

Dan McCoy

[5:49] Yeah.

[5:50] But we shouldn't gloss over this.

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] So it's directed by Walter Hill, who we, I think it's fair to say we all love.

Dan McCoy

[5:56] Yeah, sure, man.

[5:57] The man made The Warriors.

[5:59] He made Midnight Run.

[6:00] The Driver.

[6:01] The Driver.

[6:03] Not a movie I love, but a fun movie, 48 Hours.

[6:07] Did he do another 48 Hours?

[6:09] I believe so.

Elliott Kalan

[6:09] What about the third 48 Hours, which is a movie that was never made?

Dan McCoy

[6:13] In his head, yes.

[6:14] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] So the man knows buddy movies.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] Yeah, Streets of Fire, a lesser known film with his.

[6:21] Yeah, he was a producer on Aliens.

[6:23] A lot of cult status.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] And Aliens, Brewster's Millions.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] If you want a movie with a lot of...

[6:29] Geronimo in American Legend.

[6:31] Masculineness.

[6:32] A lot of maleness.

[6:32] That's World West Studi, right?

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] Maybe, I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[6:36] Yeah, yeah.

[6:37] That was a pretty good movie, actually.

[6:39] I saw that in the theater back in the day.

[6:41] But he is a master of stripped-down, very manly cinema.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] He likes action movies where there's a lot of action.

[6:50] The men are...

[6:51] There's a lot of traction.

[6:52] Tough guys who have that kind of like...

[6:55] Traction, yeah.

[6:57] Tough guys who have that kind of like...

[6:59] African queen Hepburn and Bogart relationship where they hate each other.

[7:05] But they kind of come to like each other.

[7:06] Except they don't fall in love.

[7:08] They just kind of like...

[7:09] The quips get a little softer.

[7:11] And, yeah, just stripped down, like you were saying.

[7:13] Like he's not...

Stuart Wellington

[7:14] Men are men.

[7:15] Women are topless.

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] Yeah.

[7:17] Back in Walter Hill's day, men were men.

[7:19] Women were topless.

[7:20] Children didn't exist.

Stuart Wellington

[7:23] There's no children in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] Well, unless...

[7:25] There's a character who's Sylvester Stallone's child, but she's grown up.

[7:28] Oh, yeah.

[7:28] Christian Slater still is very...

[7:29] There she ever.

[7:30] Oh, boy.

[7:30] She's grown up in all the right places.

[7:32] By which I mean...

[7:33] But still very petite.

[7:34] Her whole body.

[7:35] She is an adult-sized person.

[7:37] It's not like...

[7:38] Well, she's big in all the right places.

[7:40] What do you mean like there are places where she's not big and it's the weird wrong size?

[7:44] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] It's a weird thing to say.

[7:47] She's big in all the right places.

[7:49] By which I mean that she is proportional.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] Which is mean is she doesn't have one tiny doll's hand.

Dan McCoy

[7:55] All the places that are supposed to be big are big and all the small places are small.

[8:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:00] For all the listeners out there that have one tiny doll hand.

[8:02] Look, there's nothing wrong with that.

[8:04] We're not trying to say...

[8:04] Yeah.

[8:04] It's cool, man.

[8:05] Nothing wrong with that.

[8:05] Even if you have two tiny doll hands.

[8:07] I'll give you one tiny and five.

[8:09] High five.

[8:10] Hey, look.

[8:10] You're that much...

[8:11] I mean, my hand's not tiny.

[8:12] It's normal size.

[8:13] That's gross.

[8:13] You're making it worse.

[8:14] Your hand would crush their hand.

[8:15] Abort.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] Look, you're that much closer to being doll man and being next to doll man-ness is next to godliness.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] Yeah, if you had a little doll's hand, you could hold doll man's gun that explodes people.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] Okay, so let's talk about what this movie's about, huh?

[8:26] When we were talking about stripped-down action movies, I feel like this is kind of the definition of stripped-down action in that nobody seems to be trying very hard.

[8:33] No.

[8:34] It feels...

[8:34] I was saying to Dan, this feels like the beat-the-devil of action movies in that it feels like...

[8:39] It's a lark.

[8:39] It feels like a lark.

[8:40] A bunch of people got together on a weekend they had free and made an action movie together,

[8:43] which I actually...

[8:45] It's kind of a...

[8:47] It doesn't...

[8:47] It's not that good in terms of, like, laid-back charisma, but it's kind of something enjoyable about that.

[8:53] I mean, I think the entire plot...

[8:54] See that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] I think the entire plot is shouted out by a post-torture Christian Slater in about, like, one minute.

[9:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] Okay, now...

[9:04] For people who might have fallen asleep earlier in the film.

[9:06] When we were told...

[9:07] It's like a recap.

[9:07] There's a lot of exposition in this movie that you find out a couple times.

[9:11] Characters are constantly being told things that the audience already knows.

[9:15] But anyway, let's...

Dan McCoy

[9:15] It is not a complex plot.

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] No, it is a very simple plot.

[9:18] Let's say what that plot is, shall we?

[9:20] Sure.

[9:20] We find ourselves in New Orleans.

[9:22] New Orleans.

[9:22] The star of a couple of past Flophouse faves.

[9:26] Twelve Rounds.

[9:27] Stolen.

[9:29] A Little Bit of Heaven, I think.

[9:31] Yeah, A Little Bit of Heaven was in...

[9:32] Flophouse Deep Cut.

[9:33] It was.

[9:35] And Sylvester Stallone is a hitman named Jimmy Bobo.

[9:38] And he has a partner, Lewis.

[9:40] Just like Mr. Burns' stuffed bear, Bobo.

[9:43] Yeah, exactly.

[9:44] In the opening...

[9:45] Well, we first see a scene where an Asian guy who is waiting under a bridge gets in a car.

[9:51] The guy in the car pulls a gun on him and then the guy in the car gets shot before he can shoot the Asian guy.

[9:56] Where does he get shot?

[9:57] In the head.

[9:57] Okay.

[9:58] A bullet to the head.

[9:59] And do people's heads get bullets in them in this movie?

[10:01] Oh, boy.

[10:02] Quite a lot.

[10:02] Quite a few.

[10:04] Well, so Jimmy Bobo and his partner kill a guy in his hotel room.

[10:09] And now the entire opening title sequence is this guy in the hotel room drinking and doing drugs and just being really excited about something.

Dan McCoy

[10:17] Meanwhile, there's a nude prostitute in the shower.

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] Just taking a shower.

[10:20] Like you do.

[10:22] I mean, people do take showers in the nude.

[10:23] That's how you open a movie.

[10:24] Yeah.

[10:25] Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

[10:25] Especially if the movie is this, Carrie, or a porno set in a shower.

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] Those are shower-related films.

[10:32] I think Savage Streets opens up with an all-girl shower scene fight secrets.

Dan McCoy

[10:37] Or Netflix original Orange is the New Black.

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] Yeah, dude.

[10:41] Orange is the New Black.

[10:42] Come on.

[10:42] I haven't seen that.

[10:43] I don't know.

[10:43] It opens up in a shower.

[10:44] Okay, great.

[10:45] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] We're trying to be current here.

[10:47] Sorry.

[10:47] Yeah, you're right.

[10:48] I should have mentioned.

[10:48] Update your references, Carrie.

[10:49] Come on.

[10:50] Sorry.

[10:51] Carrie the remake.

[10:52] All right.

[10:53] Hey.

[10:53] Now you're talking.

[10:55] There's more magic in that one, I think.

[10:57] More magic?

[10:58] Is Carrie a wizard in it?

[11:00] Yeah, right?

[11:01] That's what she does.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] That'd be so great if they remade Carrie, but they wanted to capture the Harry Potter audience.

[11:05] So instead of a telekinetic, she's a wizard.

[11:08] And instead of high school, she goes to Hogwarts.

[11:10] And instead of killing everyone in the prom, she wins the Quidditch tournament.

[11:13] It's called Carrie Potter.

[11:16] It's the lovable story of a little girl who just might be a wizard.

[11:20] Yes, she is.

[11:21] Not just might be a wizard.

[11:22] The whole plot is that she's a wizard.

[11:25] Anyway, it stars Sissy Spacek as Carrie Potter.

[11:29] Sure.

[11:30] What were we saying about a movie?

[11:31] Okay, so Sylvester Stallone and his partner kill this guy.

[11:34] Then they go to a bar where they're supposed to meet up with the guy paying them.

[11:38] But uh-oh, Jason Momoa comes in.

[11:41] Who?

[11:42] Movies Conan, TVs Khal Drogo.

[11:44] He was the star of Conan the Barbarian, which we flopped.

[11:47] Yeah.

[11:47] It was the episode with the classic Zardoz tangent.

[11:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] A movie that I kind of remember sort of liking.

[11:53] I did not like it.

[11:54] It was boring.

[11:56] But anyway, there's a big issue of love.

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] But there's a- he stabs the partner in a bar.

[12:00] Yeah.

[12:01] And after Sylvester Stallone has established that he only drinks bullet whiskey, or is it bourbon?

Stuart Wellington

[12:07] Well, I mean, it's bourbon.

[12:09] Bourbon is whiskey.

[12:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[12:11] And bullet whiskey could not have been happier by the association.

[12:13] It could have been rye, though.

[12:15] It was in their bullet rye.

[12:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] He didn't specify.

[12:17] There's a couple times throughout the movie where Sylvester Stallone specifically orders

[12:21] bullet, and then when the bar doesn't have it, brings a bottle of it with him, so that

[12:25] you know what the bottle looks like when you go into the store to get the same whiskey that

[12:28] still slides along the drinks.

[12:29] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] When you want a bullet to the mouth.

Dan McCoy

[12:31] Can I have the same whiskey as that hitman, please?

[12:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Follow bullet to the head with a bullet to the mouth.

[12:36] A bullet whiskey, that is.

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] Enjoy responsibly.

[12:40] It is a good whiskey, though.

[12:42] Yeah, yeah.

[12:42] I'm always playing a guy named Keegan, who is an ex, also a mercenary soldier type, and

[12:48] he and Bobo, Sylvester Stallone, have a big fight in the bathroom of this bar.

[12:53] They break a door.

[12:54] They break a sink.

[12:55] They break our hearts.

[12:56] Break our hearts.

[12:57] But he gets away before Sylvester Stallone can stop him, and his partner's dead.

[13:01] Meanwhile, a detective from Washington, D.C. shows up in New Orleans to investigate the

[13:07] death of the guy they killed in the hotel room, who it turns out was a crooked cop.

[13:12] He was the partner of the Washington, D.C. detective, played by Sung Kang.

[13:16] Yeah, yeah.

[13:17] From the Fast and the Furious movies.

[13:19] Yeah.

[13:19] And he...

[13:21] Really?

[13:22] Yeah, he's in like four of them.

[13:23] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[13:24] He made his first appearance in Tokyo Drift, which I think happens after all of the other

[13:30] movies.

[13:31] I just watched him for the car, Stuart.

[13:33] Sure.

[13:34] I'm a real gearhead.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] Yeah, you really...

[13:36] We all know that about you.

[13:38] That's the thing.

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:39] Yeah, that you're such a...

[13:39] You're a real grease monkey.

[13:40] You love automobiles.

[13:41] You're always cherrying out that old car that you got.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] I'm gonna get surgery to get this gear removed from my head.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] Yeah, that was when that car exploded and the gear got stuck in your head.

Stuart Wellington

[13:49] I thought all those posters of Lamborghinis with babes sprawled across them were for the

[13:53] babes, but they're actually for the cars.

[13:55] Yeah.

[13:56] Babes, gross.

[13:59] Cars, yum.

[14:00] Hey, you're getting in the way of that sweet Lambo.

Elliott Kalan

[14:02] Oh, you're ruining the polish with your boobs.

[14:05] Yes.

[14:07] Now, a gearhead would be a better name for a steampunk fan, right?

[14:11] Yeah.

[14:11] They literally have gears on their heads a lot of the time.

[14:14] Yeah.

[14:14] But you'd probably get a mixed up crowd if you advertised for gearheads.

[14:19] Yeah, you would.

[14:20] And if you advertised for pirate heads, you'd get the pirate punk crowd.

Dan McCoy

[14:24] Pirate punk?

[14:25] And Jimmy Buffett fans.

[14:26] Yeah, you'd get some middle-aged people who are really into margaritas.

[14:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] You'd get a lot of cell phone holsters.

[14:33] Speaking of cell phones, cell phones also play an important part of the movie.

[14:36] Let's continue, shall we?

[14:38] Sure.

[14:38] Turns out the guy they killed in the hotel room was the partner of this D.C. detective.

[14:43] He's got some kind of file in his possession, it turns out.

[14:46] It says evidence all over it.

[14:47] It says evidence on it.

[14:48] It has a bunch of information on a former African warlord turned real estate mogul in New Orleans

[14:53] who is employing the help of lawyer Marcus Baptiste, played by Christian Slater,

[14:58] in what I can only imagine is a total cash grab.

[15:02] As Al Magical would say, it is a complete CG.

[15:06] The coca cop tried to blackmail Morel, who's the real estate guy slash whirler.

[15:13] We have to assume he's a mushroom person like in Mario Brothers.

[15:17] Name him to Morel.

[15:18] Yeah, they're called Goombas, Elliot.

[15:20] That's offensive.

[15:22] To what?

[15:23] Mushroom people?

[15:24] Yes, it is.

[15:24] To mushroom people.

[15:26] I prefer to call them shroomos.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] I like the idea that Stuart calls Italians mushroom people.

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] They do eat a lot of mushrooms.

[15:36] Yeah, no.

[15:37] Always with the mushroom eating.

[15:38] Oh, those Italians.

[15:39] Anyway, so then there's a – the file is now in possession of a local mobster named Baby Jack.

[15:46] And Keegan Caldrogo wanders into Baby Jack's private bar and kills 17 guys.

[15:52] And gets this folder.

[15:53] He literally – he walks into this bar and the bartender goes, hey, this is a private club.

[15:57] Hey, excuse me.

[15:58] Hey, you looking for Baby Jack?

[16:00] As Caldrogo just walks past him to the back room where he then proceeds to shoot everybody.

[16:06] So, Kwan, the detective from Washington, D.C. He uses his magic phone with its people's background looking up abilities.

[16:13] Whenever he needs information, he calls Washington, D.C. and he says, look up this person.

[16:18] And they tell him everything he needs.

[16:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:20] Well, he's got the policeman app.

[16:22] And it seems – yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:23] Do you think they originally had a character written into the script that was like a nerd that was on the computer the whole time that would – like a Simon Pegg type?

[16:30] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] Although it seems that part was originally supposed to be played by Thomas Jane, so I doubt it.

[16:35] Yeah.

[16:35] It seems like this is a movie that was sponsored by Bullet, Whiskey, and Cell phones.

[16:41] Yeah.

[16:41] Just to get out – people hadn't heard of Cell phones yet, so they decided to make a Walter Hill Sly Stallone action movie to get out the word about cell phones.

[16:48] Anyway, Kwan meets up with Bobo in a bar.

[16:51] Bobo is Sly Stallone.

Dan McCoy

[16:52] Do you think this Bobo thing is like a boy named Sue sort of thing?

[16:55] Like the idea is like, oh, you know, like the guy with the goofy name is the toughest guy.

[17:00] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] Or like I think it was named after the final fight villain Bobo.

[17:03] Or was it Double Dragon?

[17:04] Double Dragon.

[17:05] Double Dragon.

[17:05] A Bobo's, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:06] Yeah, Bobo.

[17:07] Two dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] Yep, facing each other.

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] Just doing a mirror bit.

[17:12] Yeah, that's sexy.

[17:13] The dragon raises a claw.

[17:14] The other dragon raises a claw.

[17:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] Anyway, so what's Bobo up to?

Elliott Kalan

[17:19] Anyway, Bobo and Kwan meet in a bar.

[17:21] Kwan says, I know you killed this guy, but I'm not interested in you.

[17:26] I'm interested in the guy who hired you.

[17:27] And Bobo's like, forget it.

[17:30] And Kwan is attacked by a bunch of –

[17:32] That's.

[17:33] Kwan is attacked by a bunch of corrupt cops in a parking garage.

[17:36] Sylvester Sloan saves his life, but he is shot in the process.

[17:41] Not in the head.

[17:41] Not in the head, but in the shoulder.

[17:43] The other –

[17:43] That's reserved for villains.

[17:44] One cop gets a bullet to the head and the other cop gets a car to the body when Sylvester Sloan hits him with a car.

[17:51] And in order to treat Kwan's wounds, Sylvester Sloan takes him to a tattoo parlor called Tattoo Baba.

[17:58] I assume it's named after the Baba Yaga, the witch of Russian folklore.

[18:02] Hey, lives in the chicken leg house.

[18:04] Lives in a chicken leg house and has a shitload of tattoos, I'm guessing.

[18:08] And in the massage parlor, which is run by Sylvester Sloan's daughter.

[18:12] Massage parlor.

[18:12] Oh, sorry, Tattoo Parlor.

[18:13] You wish.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] There's a massage parlor later on.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] Tattoo Parlor run by Sylvester Sloan's daughter, Lisa.

Dan McCoy

[18:19] Yeah, played by Sarah Shahi, who I know from –

[18:23] Oh, you know her?

[18:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] Where did you guys meet?

Dan McCoy

[18:25] You know, just at a bar.

Stuart Wellington

[18:27] Okay.

[18:28] You struck up a conversation about that TV show she's on.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] I struck up a conversation about the TV show that I actually know her from, which was called Life.

[18:35] That's a serial.

[18:36] That's not a TV show.

[18:37] Damien Lewis, pre-Homeland.

[18:39] And you also may know her from Fairly Illegal on USA, where characters are welcome.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] If they wipe their feet on the welcome mat.

[18:48] Only then.

[18:49] Yeah.

[18:49] Okay, so she's covered in a bunch of fake tattoos.

[18:53] Because she's a tattoo artist.

Stuart Wellington

[18:56] And she's like a walking advertisement for her own.

Elliott Kalan

[18:59] Walking for – yeah, because tattoo artists rarely have tattoos.

[19:02] That's the crazy thing.

[19:04] She's a walking advertisement.

[19:05] Because if you see a tattoo artist, you're like, that person – someone with tattoos,

[19:08] that person must be involved in the tattoo industry in some way.

[19:11] Sure.

[19:12] Anyway, she also occasionally takes bullets out of people, not out of their heads,

[19:17] for her father, Sylvester Stallone.

[19:18] She removes a bullet from Kwan, and everybody doesn't get along.

[19:22] Sly Stallone argues with the detective.

[19:24] The detective argues with the tattoo artist.

[19:26] The tattoo artist argues with her father, Sly Stallone.

[19:29] Oh, so much banter back and forth.

[19:31] There's a lot of Sylvester Stallone banter in this movie,

[19:33] where he delivers it like it's a clever line, but it's not.

[19:36] It just doesn't make any sense.

[19:37] But he sells it.

[19:38] He tries to sell it.

[19:39] No, he doesn't.

[19:40] He's really lazy with his line delivery.

[19:42] He's kind of bored.

Stuart Wellington

[19:43] Especially the racist stuff.

[19:44] He's extra lazy with that.

[19:46] In order to poke at –

Dan McCoy

[19:48] They're trying to recapture some of that 48 Hours magic,

[19:51] where two people bond by racial slurs.

Elliott Kalan

[19:53] Over being racist to each other.

[19:55] But he's really – his heart's not in it.

[19:56] His non-racist heart is not in it.

[19:58] But he and the detective agree to work together,

[20:01] but we're going to do this my way.

[20:03] This is my town.

[20:04] We're going to do this my way.

[20:04] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[20:05] Sly Stallone just walked in?

[20:06] That's right.

[20:07] Hello, Dan.

[20:08] Hello, Stuart.

[20:08] It's me, Sylvester Stallone.

[20:10] I just walked in because –

[20:10] Oh, that was our first name.

[20:11] That's really good.

[20:11] I heard you were watching my movie, Bullet to the Head.

[20:13] What was it like to shoot Bullet to the Head?

[20:15] I'll tell you.

[20:16] I was drunk the whole time.

[20:17] I don't really remember.

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] All right.

[20:18] Well, see you later.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] I'm not going anywhere.

[20:21] In fact, if I could crash on your couch,

[20:23] I'd really appreciate it.

[20:24] That's too bad.

[20:25] We were hoping you were going to go get Elliot.

[20:26] Adrian!

[20:28] Sorry, I was yelling the name of my favorite Roman emperor,

[20:30] Adrian.

[20:32] So what are you guys doing this weekend?

[20:34] Maybe I could turn along.

[20:35] Oh, man.

[20:36] I got –

[20:37] Dan, how are we going to –

[20:38] Hey, I'll tell you what.

[20:39] How are we going to get rid of this guy?

[20:39] Hey, boredom's the disease.

[20:41] I'm the cure.

[20:42] Let's have a good time, everybody.

[20:43] Okay.

[20:45] Sort of like what you said.

[20:46] They call me the demolition man,

[20:49] but I'm demolitioning bad times.

[20:52] Hey, tell me, Sarge,

[20:53] do we get to have fun this time?

[20:56] Wait, was one of us Sarge?

Stuart Wellington

[20:59] Yeah, for the purposes of that catchphrase.

[21:03] Hey, stop or your mom will shoot him, right?

[21:06] Hey, that's nothing to joke about.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] Estelle Getty was a treasure,

[21:09] a treasure of a woman,

[21:11] and I would appreciate if you didn't drag her name

[21:13] through the mud.

[21:16] To me, she'll always be Sofia Petrillo.

[21:19] Sorry.

[21:20] Certainly the sarcasticest of the golden girls,

[21:24] but in my mind, all those girls were gold.

[21:28] End of the title of the show.

[21:29] You've got a real soft heart, Sly.

[21:31] I didn't know.

[21:31] Yeah, it's a medical disorder.

[21:34] I can't run too fast because my heart's too soft.

[21:37] The heat from the friction will make it melt.

[21:41] So thanks for mentioning that.

[21:42] I'm pretty sensitive about it.

[21:44] I apologize.

[21:45] It's called Stallone's disease for a reason,

[21:47] because I have it.

Dan McCoy

[21:50] Just because you have it?

[21:53] It's not like Lou Gehrig discovered Lou Gehrig's disease.

[21:55] He just had it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] I got Stallone's disease.

[21:59] It's a soft heart.

[22:00] If you could imagine like a soft cheese,

[22:03] that's the consistency of my heart.

[22:07] What's weird is my blood is very solid.

[22:11] All right.

[22:11] If you could imagine like a hard salami,

[22:14] that's every one of my arteries.

[22:17] Ramming through that cheese heart.

[22:18] It's not even cholesterol.

[22:19] It's just the way I was born.

[22:22] Anyway, so bullet to the head.

[22:24] Thanks for watching.

[22:24] Gotta go.

[22:25] Jetpack.

[22:27] Wow.

[22:28] Hey, guys.

[22:29] I went to the bathroom.

[22:30] What did I miss?

[22:30] Oh, boy.

[22:31] Oh, I don't even know what to say.

[22:33] You're probably going to be really disappointed.

[22:35] Oh, man.

[22:35] Well, don't tell me then.

[22:37] I don't want to be sad.

[22:38] I want to be happy after seeing Bullet to the Head.

[22:40] So anyway, they work together.

[22:43] They track down the net.

[22:44] He uses his magic police phone to track their next quarry,

[22:47] who's the guy.

[22:47] It's called a Blackberry.

[22:48] Blackberry.

[22:49] Magic police phone, I call it.

[22:52] He, from my movie.

[22:53] It would seem like magic if you were a caveman.

[22:55] It's from my movie I'm pitching, ATTPD.

[22:59] He's a police, he's a phone, but he's also a cop.

[23:03] He's got criminal's number.

[23:07] Hey, Justice, this calls for you.

[23:12] Ring, ring, ring.

[23:12] You hear that?

[23:14] Discipline's on the line.

[23:16] Anyway, so they go to a very foggy spa where the guy who hired Stallone is getting a massage.

[23:24] Stallone...

[23:25] From a completely clothed woman.

[23:26] From the least sleazy masseuse I've ever seen in an action movie.

[23:30] You'd expect, at the very least, she's in a bikini.

[23:33] No, she looks like she works at a spa.

[23:35] It seems like they hired an actual masseuse to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:37] Yeah, like they were getting staff massages or cast massages,

[23:40] and we're just like, yeah, just start rolling the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] You know what?

[23:43] This is gold.

[23:43] Just start filming.

Dan McCoy

[23:45] The rest of the women in this movie are so sleazy that they're like,

[23:48] we gotta have a little fairness here.

[23:50] We gotta, let's...

[23:51] Good point, good point.

[23:52] Let's prove that we're not sexist by having this one actual woman.

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] It's that equal time provision in the woman laws.

[24:01] So Stallone's gonna shoot this guy, but uh-oh,

[24:04] Quan tampered with his gun, removed the firing pin.

[24:06] So they're gonna have to fist fight it in the spa

[24:08] in kind of what a basic cable ripoff of the Eastern Promises

[24:12] Russian bath fight scene would be like.

[24:15] And by that I mean you see nobody's scrotum.

[24:19] Which was the main thing.

[24:20] Nobody's scrotum.

[24:20] Nearly a single scrotum.

[24:22] Selling in Paul Newman.

[24:22] Yeah, based on the Richard Russo novel,

[24:24] nobody's scrotum.

[24:28] Of course, and they made the TV movie,

[24:30] Not Without My Scrotum.

[24:32] Now anyway, they find the next guy they have to go to.

[24:35] Leave it behind?

[24:36] No.

Stuart Wellington

[24:37] It's not like a fucking parachute they deploy by the race car.

[24:40] Hey, hey, we leave no scrotum behind.

[24:43] No scrotum.

Elliott Kalan

[24:45] This is a scrot hunt, man.

[24:47] Scrot hunt, game over.

[24:48] Anyway, so they find this movie.

[24:51] You don't want to talk about scrotums anymore?

[24:52] No, I don't.

[24:53] This movie is a lot of-

[24:54] They're so wrinkly.

[24:54] Is a lot of this detective and Stallone

[24:56] finding a guy,

[24:58] learning from him who the next guy is to find,

[25:00] and then killing that guy.

[25:02] So they learn,

[25:03] after Stallone kills the spa guy,

[25:06] he then go,

[25:07] they learn the next guy they have to find is Baptiste,

[25:09] the lawyer, played by Christian Slater.

[25:11] He is hosting a kind of cut-rate,

[25:13] eyes-wide-shut party at his house

[25:15] where everyone's wearing masks-

[25:17] Yeah, masquerade-

[25:18] And costumes.

[25:20] Having a ball up in masks,

[25:22] just like at the judge's house in Sweeney Todd.

[25:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:26] But all of the men are basically wearing masks

[25:29] and sort of like pirate-y-

[25:30] Yeah, like 18th century buccaneer costumes.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] It's like that sexy dream sequence in Labyrinth.

[25:34] Except-

[25:35] And most of the women are wearing masks

[25:36] and no clothes at all.

Elliott Kalan

[25:37] And topless or totally nude,

[25:40] did not expect the amount of nudity in this scene.

[25:42] And what's weird is that the camera doesn't

[25:44] really linger on it.

[25:45] It's just in the background.

Dan McCoy

[25:46] I mean, it lingers on it in the sense

[25:48] that there will be women,

[25:49] yeah, as you say,

[25:50] in the background for like-

[25:51] Yeah, slow dancing with each other.

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] Yeah, but it's not shot in a sexy way.

[25:56] Yeah, it's not like-

[25:57] There's not-

[25:57] I feel like in a Michael Bay movie,

[25:58] if they had this scene,

[25:59] you'd have a lot of close-ups of boobs

[26:00] cut together really fast.

[26:02] And then a giant robot,

[26:03] who's also nude, would come in.

[26:05] It's just cash, Elliot.

[26:06] But this is total cash.

[26:07] It's almost like Christian Slater

[26:08] just hired these women

[26:09] because in the scene he was going to be in.

[26:12] But anyway,

[26:13] Sylvester Stallone and the detective

[26:14] are going to come in,

[26:15] but they're going to have to get some costumes.

[26:18] That means time to go to the costume shop!

[26:21] And they literally-

[26:21] They literally have a Sylvester Stallone

[26:23] trying on different masks montage.

[26:27] It's-

[26:27] Pretty Stallone.

[26:28] I did not expect-

[26:29] When I watched the movie,

[26:30] Pretty Stallone,

[26:31] are you singing?

[26:32] Yep.

[26:33] Shooting bullet to the head,

[26:37] Bullet in that other head,

[26:40] I want to shoot you

[26:42] in the head.

[26:44] With a bullet to the head.

[26:48] Mercy.

[26:50] No mercy.

[26:52] But I did not expect in the movie

[26:54] bullet to the head

[26:54] that there would be any sort of

[26:55] fashion trying on montage.

[26:57] And it's a quick one.

[26:58] It goes by in about seven seconds.

[27:00] But still.

Stuart Wellington

[27:00] Their costume consists of a mask.

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] And their regular street clothes.

[27:05] So they're walking around in like

[27:06] polo t-shirt and jeans

[27:08] and a mask.

[27:09] And nobody bats an eye.

[27:11] They get Christian Slater

[27:13] while he's in the bathroom.

[27:15] Kidnap him.

[27:16] It's the only way you can get a jump on the slate man.

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] Now in Slater.

[27:23] They bring him to Sylvester Sloan's house,

[27:28] which is, let's face it,

[27:29] it's a swamp shack.

[27:30] Yeah.

[27:30] It is a Chainsaw Massacre swamp shack.

[27:32] You know.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] Yeah.

[27:33] If you see that,

[27:34] what's that movie about the,

[27:36] what's that Tobey Hooper movie

[27:37] about the fucking crocodile?

[27:39] Tobey Hooper.

[27:40] It's like,

[27:41] it's like,

[27:41] it's like a swamp shack.

[27:42] No.

[27:43] No, that wasn't Tobey.

[27:44] It's like,

[27:45] it's a lot.

[27:45] I think it just reminds Tobey.

[27:47] Tobey?

[27:47] Yeah.

[27:48] Whatever.

[27:49] I'm going off a chainsaw

[27:50] in summer school.

[27:51] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[27:52] I figured he would know.

[27:54] That's how he bases

[27:54] all of his pronunciation choices.

[27:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] That's how I base my life, man.

[27:58] I'm following the teachings

[28:00] of Chainsaw.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] After you get out of the shower,

[28:02] do you put on a bathrobe?

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:07] I was about to say,

[28:08] do you order Kobe beef?

[28:09] But that is pronounced that way.

[28:12] So, uh,

[28:13] Swamp Shacks.

[28:13] They take Christian Slater

[28:14] to the Swamp Shack

[28:15] that Silver Sloan lives in

[28:16] and the cop says,

[28:18] I'll handle this

[28:19] and tries to interrogate him

[28:19] like a cop.

[28:20] We know you're doing this stuff.

[28:22] You better turn over on us.

[28:23] And then Silver Sloan

[28:24] takes a gun

[28:25] and hits Christian Slater

[28:26] in the chest

[28:27] and Slater proceeds

[28:28] to give up

[28:28] two minutes of exposition

[28:29] explaining the entire plot,

[28:32] everything that's involved,

[28:33] the blackmail,

[28:35] there's this file,

[28:36] they hired you

[28:36] to kill the guy

[28:37] with the file,

[28:38] then they hired

[28:38] this other guy

[28:39] who's an ex-French

[28:40] Foreign Legion fighter

[28:41] and mercenary

[28:42] to kill you.

[28:43] And it's all stuff

[28:44] the audience knows already,

[28:45] basically.

Stuart Wellington

[28:45] He could have started talking

[28:46] and they could have

[28:47] cut away and cut back.

[28:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:49] A note to screenwriters,

[28:50] even if you think

[28:51] that your plot

[28:52] needs to be reiterated

[28:53] in that way,

[28:54] like, you can really do it

[28:55] in a few sentences.

Elliott Kalan

[28:56] It's this,

[28:57] it's learn a lesson

[28:58] from North by Northwest

[28:58] where Leo G. Carroll,

[29:01] I think it is,

[29:02] has to fill Cary Grant

[29:03] in on what happened

[29:04] in the movie.

[29:05] We know this already,

[29:06] so we see them

[29:07] walk for about 20 seconds

[29:09] and they walk past

[29:09] an airplane

[29:10] and the propeller's so loud

[29:11] you don't hear

[29:11] what they're saying

[29:12] and then when the sound

[29:13] comes back up,

[29:14] Cary Grant's like,

[29:15] ah, so that's what

[29:16] happened, huh?

[29:17] It's such a great way

[29:17] to just gap over

[29:19] all the explanation

[29:19] of what we've already seen.

[29:21] So I guess what I'm saying is,

[29:22] Bullet to the Head

[29:23] is no North by Northwest

[29:24] and Walter Hill,

[29:25] as much as I love him,

[29:26] is no Alfred Hitchcock.

[29:27] But anyway,

[29:28] especially since

[29:29] the mercenary

[29:30] and his henchmen

[29:31] are surrounding

[29:32] the Swamp Shack,

[29:33] so we could just cut

[29:34] to that

[29:34] and then cut back

[29:35] to Christian Slater

[29:36] having already

[29:37] explained everything.

[29:37] But it turns out

[29:38] there's a flash drive

[29:39] that Christian Slater has

[29:40] that has all the information

[29:41] about where

[29:42] So high tech.

[29:43] where the African warlord

[29:44] real estate moguls

[29:45] bribes have been going.

[29:47] They take the flash drive

[29:48] from him

[29:49] and then the mercenaries

[29:50] shoot up the Swamp Shack.

[29:51] Oh, then Celeste Stallone

[29:52] shoots Christian Slater

[29:53] in the head.

[29:53] I forgot about that.

[29:54] Yeah.

[29:55] Then the bad guys

[29:56] shoot up the Swamp Shack.

Dan McCoy

[29:58] Do you think that's

[29:59] the titular bullet to the head?

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] There are so many

[30:01] bullets to the head

[30:02] in there.

[30:02] Every bad guy

[30:03] gets a bullet to the head.

[30:04] It should have been called

[30:04] Bullets to the Heads.

[30:07] I think that's

[30:08] the bullet to the head

[30:09] I think they're talking about

[30:10] the bullet to the head

[30:11] inside all of us.

[30:12] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:13] Like the movie

[30:13] is a literal bullet

[30:14] into our heads.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Yeah, it's blowing our minds.

[30:16] It's a movie bullet

[30:17] into our watching heads.

Stuart Wellington

[30:18] I mean, the opening titles

[30:19] do feature a bullet

[30:20] flying through

[30:21] each of the titles

[30:22] toward the camera.

Dan McCoy

[30:22] The opening of the movie is

[30:23] You like the fact that

[30:25] apparently the name

[30:26] of the bar

[30:27] or whatever

[30:27] was Bullet to the Heads?

[30:28] It's the hotel

[30:29] they go to at the editing.

[30:30] They go into the hotel

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] and it pans up

[30:32] and there's a CGI neon sign

[30:34] on it that says

[30:36] It's the title of the movie

[30:36] but it also looks like

[30:37] it's the bullet to the head hotel.

[30:38] Yeah, you don't want to stay there.

[30:39] No, you're going to get

[30:40] a bullet to your head.

[30:42] Mm-mm.

[30:42] But the first opening shot

[30:44] of the movie

[30:44] is literally

[30:45] the bullet

[30:46] smashing through

[30:47] all the production logos

[30:49] that you're watching.

[30:51] And I got to tell you

[30:52] in a way

[30:53] it rivals the opening

[30:54] to Rocky IV

[30:55] when the American boxing glove

[30:56] and the Soviet boxing glove

[30:57] punch each other

[30:58] and then explode.

[31:00] But it's not as good as that.

[31:01] So Stuart,

[31:01] you would advise

[31:02] not going to the Bullet

[31:03] to the Head Hotel?

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] I mean,

[31:05] I guess.

[31:05] It depends on if you want

[31:06] a bullet to your head.

[31:07] Don't order the room service.

[31:08] I would advise instead

Dan McCoy

[31:09] staying at the Happiness Hotel

[31:10] from the Great Muppet Caper

[31:12] because it's got a bunch

[31:13] of fun Muppets in it.

Stuart Wellington

[31:14] But it's a terrible hotel.

Dan McCoy

[31:15] Yeah, but you know.

[31:16] It's really run down

[31:17] and crappy.

[31:17] But they're going to help you

[31:18] when Charles Grodin

[31:19] frames you for a crime.

[31:20] Just stay on the double tree.

[31:21] I haven't had much time

Stuart Wellington

[31:22] around Muppets.

[31:23] They never get washed.

[31:24] They smell terrible.

[31:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:26] They're like a wet dog

[31:27] is what you're saying.

[31:28] Especially Rolf.

Elliott Kalan

[31:29] Oh boy.

[31:30] Especially Rolf in the rain.

[31:32] Yeah.

[31:33] Which is a painting

[31:34] I painted for you.

[31:36] I think I really got across

[31:37] the sadness of Rolf in the rain.

[31:38] Oh, you're so sad.

[31:38] Yeah, yeah.

[31:40] He's sad because his piano died.

[31:42] Did you see the tombstone

[31:43] in the corner that says

[31:43] R.I.P. Rolf's piano?

[31:46] How did it die?

[31:47] We hardly played ye.

[31:49] Termites.

[31:50] Termites, yeah.

[31:50] Piano timer.

[31:51] Termites.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] Oh, thanks.

[31:53] I'm going to hang this up

[31:54] in the studio.

[31:55] The Flophouse studio.

Elliott Kalan

[31:56] Yeah, the Flophouse recording studio

[31:58] here in Flophouse City.

Dan McCoy

[32:00] Palatial Dan McCoy mansion.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] One, two, three, fake street.

[32:04] No Town USA.

[32:06] Planet Wrong.

[32:09] So, anyway,

[32:11] they get the,

[32:11] they get the

[32:12] Schwamp Shack gets shot up

[32:13] with the worst animated bullets

[32:15] I've ever seen.

Stuart Wellington

[32:16] Dan's imagining

[32:16] Planet Wrong screenplays right now.

[32:20] What if,

Elliott Kalan

[32:20] in a world

[32:21] where nothing is right.

Dan McCoy

[32:23] A planet so wrong

[32:23] has gotta be right.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] You may be right.

[32:27] No, no.

[32:29] I may be a planet.

[32:30] Do, do, do, do, do.

[32:31] But it just may be

[32:33] a planet

[32:34] you are living on.

[32:36] The people who,

[32:37] Turn out the light.

Dan McCoy

[32:38] The people who listen

[32:39] to this podcast.

[32:40] You're wasting energy.

[32:41] For movie information

[32:43] are getting so angry right now.

[32:44] Well, everyone's angry.

[32:46] That's all the time.

[32:46] They have clicked unsubscribe.

Elliott Kalan

[32:48] This is not what

[32:49] Parade Magazine promised.

[32:51] Anyway,

[32:52] they said this would be fun.

[32:54] Very old-toned listener.

[32:55] To make a long story short,

[32:56] This is not a summer listen.

[32:57] To make a long story short,

[32:58] Sylvester Stallone

[33:00] and the detective,

[33:01] Quan,

[33:01] jump out of the swamp shack

[33:02] into the swamp,

[33:03] and then Sylvester Stallone

[33:04] sets off bombs

[33:05] he's planted

[33:05] all around his own house,

[33:07] killing all the mercenaries

[33:08] except

[33:08] Case closed.

[33:09] for Cal Drogo.

[33:10] Oh, okay.

[33:11] Who jumps into the water as well.

[33:13] Quan says,

[33:13] That's it.

[33:14] You're killing too many people.

[33:15] And the mercenary

[33:17] becomes obsessed

[33:18] with killing Sylvester Stallone.

[33:19] Quan meets with

[33:20] a New Orleans lieutenant

[33:21] and it's the scene

[33:22] from the beginning of the movie.

[33:23] Turns out the lieutenant

[33:24] is crooked.

[33:25] All the cops are crooked

[33:26] and Sylvester Stallone

[33:27] comes and saves him.

[33:28] They decide now

[33:29] it's time to get serious

[33:30] and get revenge

[33:32] because

[33:32] Keegan,

[33:33] Cal Drogo,

[33:34] kidnaps Sylvester Stallone's daughter.

[33:36] Also,

[33:36] there's a time

[33:37] when they went by

[33:37] Sylvester Stallone's daughter's house

[33:39] to look at the flash drive

[33:40] and she was taking

[33:40] a bath

[33:41] and got out of the bath

[33:42] and was super nude.

[33:44] I mean,

[33:44] regular amount of nude.

[33:45] Was that a butt double, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[33:48] I was just one butt.

[33:50] I counted.

[33:50] I mean,

[33:51] like,

[33:51] I don't think it was a double

[33:52] for the topless shot

[33:53] so it would seem weird

[33:54] if they stuck in a butt double.

Elliott Kalan

[33:56] She's very private

[33:57] about her butt.

[33:58] Butt privates.

[34:01] Private butts.

[34:01] That's an old

[34:02] Laurel Marty short.

[34:05] Private butt

[34:06] and butt privates

[34:06] together again.

[34:08] I mean,

[34:09] butt privates

[34:10] was an Abbott

[34:10] Costello movie.

[34:12] Sorry.

[34:13] No, no,

[34:13] but Laurel already

[34:14] made butt privates.

Dan McCoy

[34:15] The general idea

[34:18] of the joke still stands.

[34:19] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] they were fighting

[34:19] World War butt.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] Anyway,

[34:24] we can stop.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] Starting Brad Pitt.

[34:26] What?

[34:26] So you're saying

[34:27] butts have risen up

[34:28] and are destroying

[34:28] the world?

[34:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] Brad Pitt needs

[34:31] to find the cure

[34:32] for butts.

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] This is without a doubt

[34:35] the dumbest thing

[34:36] that's ever been said

[34:37] on this podcast.

[34:39] Brad Pitt and Michael Pitt

[34:41] star in World War butts.

[34:42] But I thought Sean Connery

[34:43] already found the cure

[34:44] for butts

[34:44] then lost it.

[34:46] You know,

[34:46] like you lose your butt.

[34:49] In that movie,

[34:50] Medicine Butt

[34:50] with Lorraine Bracco.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:53] He was in the Amazon

[34:54] Butt Forest.

[34:55] What a dumb thing.

[34:57] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] It turns out

[34:58] Aunt Butts

[34:59] was the cure.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] That's what we needed.

[35:01] We need more of that.

[35:03] So,

[35:04] Keegan

[35:04] kidnaps

[35:05] the daughter

[35:05] and takes her

[35:06] to a warehouse

[35:07] where all the bad guys

[35:08] are just hanging out

[35:09] but they want

[35:10] the flash drive.

[35:11] decides...

[35:12] The conveniently

Dan McCoy

[35:12] shootable form.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] They go to

[35:15] the shootingest place

Stuart Wellington

[35:15] you can go

[35:16] in an abandoned warehouse.

[35:18] Not a single one

[35:18] has realized

[35:19] they need to start

[35:19] wearing helmets

[35:20] to prevent bullets

[35:21] from entering their heads.

Elliott Kalan

[35:23] Because even though

[35:24] the name of the movie

[35:25] should warn them

[35:25] that's where the bullet's going.

[35:27] Exactly.

[35:27] I've got a head

[35:28] I should protect

[35:28] with my bullets.

[35:30] shows up

[35:30] alone

[35:31] unarmed.

[35:33] Detective Kwan

[35:33] is sneaking into

[35:34] the warehouse

[35:35] meanwhile

[35:35] and they

[35:37] basically...

[35:39] It's like an argument

[35:40] or something.

[35:42] says to the...

[35:42] One of those fights.

[35:43] The bad guy

[35:44] Morel

[35:44] the Mushroom King

[35:45] he says

[35:46] he says like

[35:47] I have your daughter

[35:48] give me the flash drive

[35:50] and he says

[35:50] okay I will

[35:52] but

[35:53] and he says

[35:54] what about that policeman

[35:56] and he goes

[35:56] well if you pay me

[35:57] enough I'll kill

[35:57] the policeman

[35:58] and they haggle over it

[35:59] and then Sylvester Stallone

[36:00] leaves

[36:01] and Keegan

[36:02] who's really mad

[36:03] because a lot of his henchmen

[36:04] have been killed

[36:04] says you're just gonna

[36:06] let him go

[36:07] and he gets really mad

[36:09] and kills

[36:10] the main bad guy

[36:12] and some of the main bad guys

[36:13] with bullets to their heads.

Dan McCoy

[36:15] You know what else would you temper.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] Then it's just

[36:17] Kwan and Sylvester Stallone

[36:19] and Keegan

[36:19] running around

[36:20] shooting the rest

[36:20] of the henchmen.

[36:22] blows up a car

[36:23] and then

[36:23] Khal Drogo

[36:26] Drogo and Bobo

[36:28] are gonna

[36:28] are gonna finally face off

[36:30] and there's

[36:31] two framed axes

[36:33] with a plaque

[36:33] that says like

[36:34] to the fireman

[36:34] who saved the city

[36:35] 1910

[36:36] and he breaks open

[36:38] the case

[36:38] takes out the axes

[36:40] goes what are we

[36:41] Vikings

[36:41] and then they

[36:42] fight with axes

[36:43] for a while

[36:44] and what was frankly

[36:45] a pretty good axe fight

[36:46] I have to admit

[36:47] and like

[36:47] I like a good axe fight

Stuart Wellington

[36:49] It was better than

[36:50] all the axe fights

[36:50] and Abraham Lincoln

[36:51] vampire on it

[36:52] That's for damn sure

[36:53] and uh

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Khal Drogo

[36:55] For damn sure

[36:56] and it was also

[36:57] a fight that had like

[36:59] an arc to it

[36:59] in that

[37:00] when it starts out

[37:01] is losing

[37:02] he's not in as

[37:03] good a shape

[37:04] he's not as young

[37:05] he's not as big

[37:05] as this other guy

[37:06] and if ever

[37:07] there was a movie

[37:07] that reminded you

[37:08] that Sylvester Stallone

[37:08] is a very short man

[37:09] it is this one

[37:10] but it's almost like

[37:11] Stallone

[37:12] He can't swing a wide axe

[37:13] It's like

[37:13] Stallone usually has

[37:15] tricks that he has

[37:16] directors do

[37:16] to make him look taller

[37:17] and as if

[37:17] Walter Hill was like

[37:18] yeah I'm not doing that

[37:19] look we're just

[37:20] shooting it normal

[37:21] uh

[37:21] and so

[37:22] but it's a pretty good

[37:23] axe fight

[37:24] and they're fighting

[37:25] and fighting

[37:26] and it ends with

[37:27] uh

[37:28] stabbing through

[37:30] Khal Drogo's foot

[37:31] with an axe

[37:32] then stabbing him

[37:33] in the neck

[37:34] with a knife

[37:34] because he's had this

[37:35] this automatic knife

[37:36] he's been carrying

[37:37] around the whole movie

[37:38] uh

[37:39] and then Quan

[37:40] shoots

[37:40] uh

[37:42] Keegan in the head

[37:42] yeah right in the head

[37:43] bullet to the head

Dan McCoy

[37:44] because he's learned

[37:45] the lesson

[37:45] which is

[37:46] justice is only served

[37:47] with a bullet to the head

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] Quan gets the flash drive

[37:50] shoots Quan in the shoulder

[37:51] and then says

[37:52] when they come by

[37:53] say that the bad guys

[37:54] got shooty

[37:55] and I killed all of them

[37:56] and then you tried

[37:57] to apprehend me

[37:57] and I shot you

[37:58] it's the old

[38:00] hey guys

[38:01] I'm back

[38:02] how you doing

[38:02] oh man that's great

[38:04] I just went out

[38:05] to get some Tostitos

[38:06] who wants some

[38:08] nacho chips

[38:09] restaurant style

[38:12] if you were

[38:12] usually you'd have

[38:13] to go to a restaurant

[38:14] to get chips like this

[38:15] but Tostitos

[38:16] just makes them

[38:16] okay

[38:17] you guys

[38:18] I got three bags

[38:19] one for each of us

[38:19] but I'm gonna eat two

[38:20] so you guys share

[38:21] this one bag

[38:22] that's fine

[38:22] the HGH

[38:23] really makes me hungry

[38:24] for salt

[38:25] okay thanks

[38:26] not that hungry

[38:27] but thank you

[38:28] you're gonna eat it

[38:28] right

[38:29] hey so

[38:30] you done with

[38:31] the bag of Tostitos yet

[38:32] because I finished

[38:33] my two

[38:33] okay take it

[38:34] can I take yours

[38:35] thanks

[38:35] I just down these

[38:36] things like crazy

[38:37] people tell me

[38:38] all the time

[38:39] Sly you gotta eat

[38:39] a few Tostitos

[38:40] and I'm like

[38:41] it's restaurant style

[38:43] quality

[38:43] yeah

Stuart Wellington

[38:44] I don't understand

[38:44] they tell you

[38:45] that at the gym

[38:45] or on the

[38:47] Saturday movies

[38:47] yeah they tell me

[38:48] at the gym

[38:48] what's that

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] you think I don't

[38:49] work out enough

[38:50] no I

[38:51] I go to the gym

Dan McCoy

[38:53] I mean for your age

[38:54] you look great

[38:54] thank you

[38:55] what do you mean

[38:55] for my age

[38:56] I mean

[38:56] objectively

[38:57] you look better

[38:58] than you

[38:58] no I know

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] maybe not better

[38:59] than Stuart

[39:00] thanks

Dan McCoy

[39:00] okay

[39:01] look at this

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] I'm shredded

[39:03] like a ninja turtle

[39:04] oh god

[39:05] it's so rainy

[39:06] I got abs

[39:06] like lettuce

[39:06] oh jesus

[39:07] I'm like if beef jerky

[39:09] had muscles

[39:09] oh boy

Dan McCoy

[39:10] you're like a

[39:12] it's like an ostrich

[39:13] skin leather

[39:14] pouch

[39:15] bag down there

[39:17] thank you

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] thank you very much

[39:19] I appreciate that

[39:20] I have been working out

[39:21] I did also get an ostrich

[39:22] skin graft

[39:23] I lost some skin

[39:25] in an accident

[39:27] involving sandpaper

[39:28] and one of those

[39:29] remote control helicopters

[39:30] that you get for kids

[39:31] you know like those

[39:32] hover drones

[39:33] yeah yeah yeah

[39:34] and some sandpaper

[39:34] anyway long story short

[39:36] I lost some skin

[39:37] the only thing that

[39:37] matched my natural

[39:38] texture was ostrich

[39:40] you gotta tan it

[39:41] really dry it out

[39:42] then you put it on

[39:44] thank you

[39:45] glad you noticed

[39:45] yeah you don't want

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] a lot of ostrich skin

[39:46] Dan

[39:47] oh no it shrinks

[39:48] look I apologize

[39:49] I didn't mean any

Elliott Kalan

[39:50] smells like Rolf

[39:50] in the rain

[39:52] like a wet Muppet

[39:53] hey we were just

[39:54] talking about that

[39:54] really I was just

[39:55] thinking about it

[39:56] let me show you this

[39:57] painting I painted

[39:57] it's called a bullet

[39:59] to Rolf's head

[40:00] it's me shooting

[40:01] Rolf in the head

[40:02] now I don't think

[40:04] Muppets really have

[40:05] brains I think it's

[40:05] a hand inside there

[40:06] but I painted it

[40:07] like it's brains

Dan McCoy

[40:07] it's like a rust red

[40:11] like cotton balls

[40:13] coming out of his head

[40:14] yeah that's what I

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] used to model it

[40:15] very good

[40:16] you got a good eye

[40:17] for eye

[40:17] that's what's inside

[40:18] all of us Dan

[40:18] anyway I'll see you

[40:20] guys later

[40:21] I'm going to go on

[40:21] like kind of a

[40:22] Tostito binge

[40:23] goodbye

[40:24] rocket car

[40:26] hey guys what I meant

[40:29] I just went into

[40:31] kind of a fugue state

[40:32] for a couple minutes

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] yeah I was trying

[40:35] to wake you up

[40:36] but you weren't

[40:36] doing anything

[40:36] no no

Dan McCoy

[40:37] Stallone only travels

[40:39] by rocket powered

[40:40] transportation

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] what the hell

[40:42] does that mean

[40:43] I'm sorry

[40:44] forget you forget

[40:45] I've been unconscious

[40:45] I apologize

[40:47] I don't know who

[40:47] you were talking to

[40:48] about how we traveled

[40:48] it's a common

[40:49] screenwriting mistake

[40:50] you need characters

[40:53] to explain everything

[40:54] to every other character

[40:55] to show that they know it

[40:56] like in the movie

[40:56] Bullet to the Head

[40:57] which then ends with

[40:59] Sylvester Stallone's

[41:00] daughter decides to

[41:01] stay with Quan

[41:02] to make sure he gets

[41:02] help

[41:02] they've really hit it

[41:03] off in the twice

[41:04] that they've met

[41:05] and

[41:06] he's got a great

[41:07] head of hair

[41:08] that's true he does

[41:09] and it turns out

[41:10] I mean he's a good

[41:10] looking guy

[41:10] and it turns out

[41:11] that Quan

[41:12] leaves Bobo

[41:13] out of the story

[41:15] free to go

[41:16] despite all the

[41:16] people he's killed

[41:17] they meet up at a

[41:18] bar and Quan

[41:19] says look

[41:20] I'm fucking your

[41:21] daughter

[41:21] he doesn't say

[41:22] it that way

[41:23] lamer than that

[41:24] he's like we got

[41:25] to know each other

[41:25] really well

[41:26] in fact

[41:27] very well

[41:28] and Sylvester's like

[41:29] oh you guys know

[41:29] each other very well

[41:30] huh

[41:30] and he says

[41:31] look

[41:32] I'm not gonna arrest

[41:33] you for the people

[41:33] you've killed in the past

[41:34] but if you get out

[41:35] of line again

[41:36] I'm going to arrest you

[41:37] and Molyneux

[41:37] Sylvester Stallone's like

[41:38] alright well whatever

[41:39] and then says

[41:40] and cause I deserved it

[41:42] I got myself a nice car

[41:43] and gets in what a Porsche

[41:44] and drives away

Dan McCoy

[41:46] and that's the end

[41:47] it's not even a super

[41:49] sporty car

[41:49] it's like a BMW

[41:50] no it's a sport

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] no it's got the

[41:52] Mustang logo on the front

Dan McCoy

[41:53] you forget that Dan

[41:54] is a gear head

[41:56] I forgot Dan

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] I forgot you're a gear head

[41:58] you know cars

Dan McCoy

[41:59] I have this gear in my head

[42:00] which allows me to

[42:01] access the internet

[42:02] and google cars

Elliott Kalan

[42:03] you're like a regular

[42:04] Phineas Gage

Stuart Wellington

[42:05] the thing that bothered me

[42:06] about Quan's line

[42:08] about how he got to know

[42:10] Stallone's daughter

[42:11] really well

[42:12] is his arc was supposed

[42:13] to be that he went

[42:14] from like kind of

[42:15] a wimpier guy

[42:15] to like a tougher

[42:16] no nonsense guy

[42:17] and he's just still

[42:19] the same wimpy guy

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] yeah well he was never

[42:21] super wimpy

[42:21] I mean he had a gun

[42:22] and he was a cop

[42:23] and everything

Stuart Wellington

[42:23] so are you saying

[42:24] he's regressing

[42:25] to more of a wimp state

Dan McCoy

[42:26] that's not what I'm

[42:28] saying at all

[42:28] but you're saying

[42:29] he should just be like

[42:30] I'm boning your daughter

[42:31] now

[42:32] yeah I mean

[42:33] maybe not that

[42:34] deal with it

[42:34] and then he should

[42:35] break his glass

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] on his head

[42:36] he should order

[42:36] a bullet rye

[42:37] to show that like

[42:39] he picked something up

[42:39] from the old man

[42:40] but he doesn't

[42:41] instead it becomes

[42:42] a commercial for a car

[42:43] at the end

[42:44] after having been

[42:44] in commercial

[42:44] for whiskey

[42:45] and cell phones

[42:46] the whole time

Dan McCoy

[42:46] so thanks to

[42:49] a special guest

[42:51] appearance

[42:51] by a celebrity

[42:53] that

[42:54] I missed it

[42:54] yeah you missed

[42:55] I'm sorry

[42:55] oh who was the celebrity

[42:56] was it MC Scat Cat

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] we've sure been

[42:59] talking about him

[42:59] MC Scat Cat

[43:00] MC Scat Ganey Cat

Dan McCoy

[43:02] but we gotta move on

[43:04] to our

[43:05] our final judgment

[43:06] final judgments

[43:07] was this a good bad movie

[43:08] a bad bad movie

[43:09] or a movie

[43:10] you kinda liked

[43:11] Stuart what do you have to say

Stuart Wellington

[43:12] it is

[43:13] a movie

[43:14] hovering between

[43:15] a bad bad movie

[43:16] and a movie

[43:18] I kinda liked

[43:19] I guess

[43:19] cause it isn't

[43:20] a good bad movie

[43:21] in any way

[43:21] no it's not like

[43:23] a silly fun

[43:23] to make fun of

[43:24] but no

[43:25] it was

[43:26] I mean it was

[43:26] pretty terrible

[43:28] and it wasn't even

[43:29] like

[43:29] like grim tough

[43:30] enough for me

[43:31] to enjoy

Dan McCoy

[43:32] I gotta say

[43:33] it was a movie

[43:33] I kinda liked

[43:34] other than

[43:35] the exposition

[43:37] which was excessive

[43:38] for a 90 minute movie

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] it was very excessive

[43:42] to have the plot

[43:43] explained to us

[43:44] I think five times

[43:44] yeah

Dan McCoy

[43:45] but it was

[43:46] it was in fact

[43:47] a 90 minute movie

[43:48] and it also was

[43:49] a movie that

[43:50] uh

[43:51] was

[43:52] you know

[43:52] like it was in that

[43:53] tradition of

[43:54] very stripped down

[43:55] B action movies

[43:56] where

[43:57] um

[43:58] not a lot crazy

[43:59] happened

[44:00] it was just a couple

[44:00] tough guys

[44:01] and there was just

[44:02] a bunch of naked ladies

[44:03] walking around

[44:04] for not much of a reason

Elliott Kalan

[44:05] yeah this was a

[44:05] this felt a lot like

[44:07] I also kinda liked it

[44:08] but it is a bad movie

[44:09] but I kinda liked it

[44:10] it felt like a real

[44:11] throwback to

[44:12] 80s action movies

[44:14] and made very few

[44:15] concessions to

[44:16] the time period

[44:17] that we are living in

[44:18] right now

[44:19] but uh

[44:20] there were a few

[44:20] wonky

[44:21] other than cell phones

[44:22] but I mean in terms of plot

[44:23] but in terms of style

[44:24] like even the

[44:25] soundtrack was very like

[44:27] guitar and harmonica

[44:28] like

[44:29] midnight run

[44:30] 80s soundtrack

[44:31] uh

[44:32] there were a few weird

[44:33] technical things

[44:34] where like

[44:34] there would be these

[44:35] weird cuts with

[44:36] flare effects

[44:37] and suddenly you'd be

[44:38] 10 hours later

[44:39] or something

[44:40] and it was just

[44:40] made no sense

[44:42] but

[44:42] yeah you know

[44:43] dreamlike

[44:44] yeah

[44:44] but uh

[44:45] it was real hallucinogenic

[44:46] yeah

[44:47] but like you know

[44:48] there was a fun axe fight

[44:49] a lot of people

[44:49] got bullets to the head

[44:50] uh

[44:51] nude ladies were

[44:52] walking around

[44:52] and I am a

[44:54] have a soft spot

[44:54] for Sylvester Stallone

[44:55] and I don't mean my heart

[44:56] I mean it is my heart

[44:57] but I don't have a soft heart

[44:58] that's Stallone's disease

[44:59] in case you guys

[45:00] haven't heard of it

[45:00] uh

[45:01] sad really

[45:02] but uh

[45:02] the

[45:03] but yeah

[45:04] I kind of

[45:04] this is a movie

[45:05] I kind of liked

[45:05] if you're looking for

[45:06] a stripped down

[45:06] stupid action movie

[45:08] this is

[45:09] not the worst one

[45:10] to watch

[45:11] from the past couple years

Stuart Wellington

[45:12] I would just say

[45:13] that having

[45:14] last uh

[45:15] last episode

[45:16] I recommended

[45:16] The Last Stand

[45:17] I think

[45:18] and I think

[45:18] for a comeback

[45:20] stripped down

[45:21] action movie

[45:21] I think you'll find

[45:22] you'll find

[45:23] better thrills there

[45:24] in The Last Stand

[45:25] yeah

Dan McCoy

[45:25] um

[45:26] so now

[45:27] it's time to turn

[45:28] to the Flophouse

[45:29] movie mailbag

[45:30] yay

Elliott Kalan

[45:31] letters to the head

[45:32] we've got plenty of time

[45:33] for a uh

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] a letter song right

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] yeah I think we do

[45:35] ahem

[45:36] and it goes like this

[45:38] me me me

[45:39] it's letters time

[45:40] letters time

[45:41] time for those letters

[45:43] check the clock

[45:44] and see what time it is

[45:46] it's a trick question

[45:47] all the numbers say letters

[45:50] is letters time

[45:51] all the letters

[45:52] time for letters

[45:53] it's time for letters time

[45:55] right now

[45:56] right now

[45:57] right now

[45:58] right now

[45:59] time for the letters

[46:01] right now

[46:02] I'm a letter

[46:03] from the bad part of town

[46:05] I got a dream

[46:06] of being on the Flophouse

[46:08] will it be me

[46:09] pick me

[46:10] pick me

[46:14] I'm a rich snob

[46:15] letter

[46:15] but even I have a dream

[46:17] to be on the Flophouse

[46:18] I can't buy my way in

[46:20] it's the one thing

[46:21] that money can't buy

[46:23] is the Flophouse

[46:25] I'm back from the war

[46:27] oh that's a

[46:28] alright

[46:28] saw some things

[46:29] that I wish I could forget

[46:31] time to unload

[46:32] on the Flophouse guys

[46:33] this first letter

[46:34] is titled

[46:35] my master was killed

[46:37] in feudal Japan

[46:38] now I have to get revenge

[46:40] then seppuku

[46:42] but first the Flophouse

[46:44] can you save me

[46:45] from Bushido

Dan McCoy

[46:47] this letter is titled

[46:48] think of the children

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] I'm an unborn letter

[46:53] so much potential

[46:54] from Spencer

[46:55] last name withheld

[46:56] haven't even been written yet

[46:57] but my soul exists

[46:58] oh no Spencer's gifts

Dan McCoy

[46:59] oh wait

[47:00] say again

[47:01] what's going on

[47:01] this is letters

[47:02] titled

[47:03] from Spencer

[47:04] last name withheld

[47:05] of Spencer's gifts

[47:06] it goes

[47:07] dear floppers

[47:07] I was hoping to get

[47:08] your opinion on

[47:09] 1994's milk money

[47:10] where Melanie Griffith

[47:12] takes $100

[47:13] a friend of mine

Elliott Kalan

[47:14] auditioned for a role

[47:14] on that when he was a kid

[47:15] he did not get it

Dan McCoy

[47:17] Melanie Griffith

[47:18] takes $100

[47:19] for a Melanie Griffith's role

Elliott Kalan

[47:20] well he wanted to play

[47:22] the role of money

[47:23] but he got the role of milk

Dan McCoy

[47:24] that was the Harvey Milk story

[47:26] right

[47:27] after the letters song

[47:28] I can't even get to the letter

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Melanie Griffith takes $100

[47:30] to have sex with a kid's dad

Dan McCoy

[47:32] from a group of three boys

[47:33] to briefly show them

[47:35] her boobs

Elliott Kalan

[47:35] oh that's what happens

Dan McCoy

[47:36] now give me a fucking break

[47:37] how can that be considered

[47:38] anything less than

[47:39] blatant exploitation

[47:40] of naive children

[47:41] she is a prostitute

[47:42] by profession

[47:43] and their $100

[47:44] roughly $150

[47:45] considering inflation

[47:47] should garner way more

[47:48] in the open market

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] so is this just a

[47:50] podcast for people

[47:51] to write in with their

[47:52] random complaints

[47:53] about movies

Dan McCoy

[47:53] from 15 years ago

[47:55] 20 years ago

[47:56] I'm not advocating her

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] the value of Melanie Griffith's boobs

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] is way less

[47:59] than $100

Dan McCoy

[48:00] I'm not advocating her

[48:03] getting involved

[48:03] in a gangbang

[48:04] with much of 12 year olds

[48:05] I hope not

[48:06] that would have been

Stuart Wellington

[48:07] the ending of the movie

[48:07] or no book

[48:08] of it

[48:09] right

Dan McCoy

[48:10] but would it kill her

[48:10] to give them

[48:11] not the movie

[48:11] would it kill her

[48:13] to give them

[48:14] some full frontal nudity

[48:15] a brief grope

[48:16] or maybe even throw

[48:17] one of the kids

[48:17] a handjob

[48:18] all of that

[48:19] would be illegal

[48:20] you pick this letter

[48:21] you pick this letter

Dan McCoy

[48:21] Dan I could be singing

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] a very wholesome song

[48:25] about the cast of characters

[48:26] and the letters

Dan McCoy

[48:27] look we

[48:28] I was not able to select

[48:30] letters earlier today

[48:31] and I just gave a cursory

[48:32] like to these letters

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] you saw Milk Money

[48:34] you said

[48:35] oh great

[48:35] I like that movie

Dan McCoy

[48:36] I think it says

[48:41] a lot about her character

[48:42] and helps explain

[48:43] how her love interest

[48:44] goes from being

[48:44] a mild mannered

[48:45] school teacher

[48:45] to the eventual

[48:46] mastermind

[48:47] of a large scale

[48:47] terrorist attack

[48:48] on San Francisco

[48:49] he means Ed Harris

[48:50] sincerely last

[48:50] special last name withheld

[48:52] gifts

[48:53] you were right

[48:54] Milk Money

[48:56] is gross

[48:57] the idea of it

[48:59] is gross

[49:00] a bunch of kids

[49:01] buy a prostitute

[49:02] for one of the kids' dads

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] well they buy

[49:03] the prostitute's boobs

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] for their eyes

[49:05] let's continue

[49:06] this standard

[49:06] of letters coming in

[49:08] about older movies

[49:10] that people have

[49:11] problems with

Dan McCoy

[49:11] like why

[49:12] was he thinking about

[49:13] this for a long time

[49:14] I love that standard

[49:15] I love that

[49:16] like it turned into

Elliott Kalan

[49:17] people complaining about it

[49:18] yeah well

Elliott Kalan

[49:18] if you see a movie

[49:19] from forever ago

[49:21] and you have

[49:21] an issue with it

[49:22] hey

[49:23] I just saw

[49:24] Getting Even with Dad

[49:25] so he hid the money

[49:26] in a bag

[49:27] on a mannequin

[49:28] how did nobody

[49:28] find it before him

Dan McCoy

[49:29] but also they graphed

[49:31] this weird

[49:32] environmentalist cause

[49:34] onto this movie

[49:35] about a prostitute

[49:36] and some kids

[49:37] I don't remember

[49:38] that at all

[49:39] yeah it's all about

[49:39] saving a wet land

[49:40] that's the one where

Elliott Kalan

[49:40] the stepmother

[49:41] was an alien right

[49:42] no that was my

[49:42] stepmother's

[49:43] and you thought

[49:44] your family was weird

Dan McCoy

[49:45] that one's called

[49:46] Robot in the Family

Elliott Kalan

[49:47] that one's called

[49:48] Robot Jocks in the Family

[49:50] oh Robot in the Family

[49:51] I haven't thought about

[49:52] that movie in a long time

[49:53] the most irritating

[49:54] robot in movie history

Dan McCoy

[49:55] so

[49:56] meow

Elliott Kalan

[49:56] I'm a cat letter

[49:57] meow meow meow

Dan McCoy

[49:58] oh god

[49:59] so this letter

[50:01] is titled

[50:02] uh

[50:03] a chance

[50:04] for a mutual

[50:05] MC Ganey

[50:06] greetings floppers

[50:08] I don't know what that means

[50:09] true story

[50:10] on my late father's

[50:10] deathbed

[50:11] or in stolen terms

[50:12] oh man

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] Dan you really didn't

[50:13] listen to read

[50:14] any of these letters

[50:15] ahead of time did you

Dan McCoy

[50:15] true story

[50:16] on my late father's

[50:17] deathbed

[50:17] or in stolen terms

[50:18] my late father

[50:19] he used his last breath

[50:21] to beg me to achieve

[50:22] his unfulfilled

[50:23] live stream

[50:23] to open a chain

[50:25] of restaurants

[50:25] that would specialize

[50:26] in serving duffel bags

[50:27] filled with sauerkraut

[50:28] and to hire MC Ganey

[50:30] to help market the venture

[50:31] in character as Murdoch

[50:32] from Wild Hogs

[50:33] it's pretty expensive

[50:34] so imagine my distress

[50:35] when I heard your plans

[50:36] for a similar venture

[50:37] to use them to promote

[50:38] garbage bags full of coleslaw

[50:39] yeah

[50:39] rather than go the

[50:41] season assist route

[50:42] I'm hoping we could reach

[50:43] some sort of mutually

[50:44] beneficial agreement

[50:45] you could have Monday

[50:46] Wednesday Friday

[50:47] and I could use them

[50:48] on Tuesday

[50:48] Thursday Saturday

[50:49] after all there's a lot

[50:51] of Ganey to go around

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] there's another day of the week

[50:53] or does MC Ganey

[50:54] take the Sabbath off

Dan McCoy

[50:55] and an unrelated note

[50:56] I have size 15 feet

[50:58] which I've always viewed

[50:59] as a curse

[50:59] because they're easy

[51:00] to trip over

[51:00] and cost a small fortune

[51:02] to put shoes on

[51:03] what is

Elliott Kalan

[51:03] I don't know

[51:04] is this like

[51:05] stream of consciousness

[51:06] segment

[51:06] what is going on

[51:07] aren't people supposed

[51:09] to write in and tell

[51:09] Dan how great he is

Dan McCoy

[51:10] but if nothing else

[51:11] they would apparently

[51:12] be an object of desire

[51:14] for Elliot

[51:14] oh yeah

[51:15] my Bigfoot fetish

[51:16] yours floppily

[51:17] Elliot

[51:18] screw with holding

[51:19] my last name

[51:20] and also I have a podcast

[51:21] too called

[51:21] Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua

[51:22] and if you'd mentioned that

[51:23] it would be awesome

[51:24] Meeker

Elliott Kalan

[51:25] what's the podcast about

Dan McCoy

[51:26] apparently a smoking chihuahua

[51:29] oh well I'm sold

[51:30] so

[51:32] we here at the Flophouse

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] don't endorse

[51:34] any dog smoking

Dan McCoy

[51:36] well

[51:37] we can talk

Stuart Wellington

[51:39] oh that's pretty cool

[51:39] then if he's wearing sunglasses

Dan McCoy

[51:40] I bet he would smoke

[51:41] like a big cigar

[51:43] too

[51:43] not like

[51:44] he wouldn't have a

Stuart Wellington

[51:46] fucking deer stalker hat

[51:47] and a pipe

[51:47] or something

[51:48] it would basically be

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] the scene in Oliver and Company

[51:49] where the chihuahua

[51:50] was smoking a cigar

[51:51] you think he would have

[51:52] like a calabash pipe

[51:53] what you're saying

[51:54] yeah

[51:55] he'd have a caliban pipe

[51:56] a taliban pipe

[51:58] a taliban

[51:58] no

[51:59] oh boy

[52:00] so yeah

[52:02] I think we can share

[52:02] MC Ganey

[52:03] much like Alan Moore

[52:04] and his wife

[52:04] shared that woman

[52:05] for a while

[52:05] yep

[52:06] Melinda Gabby

[52:07] and

[52:08] that's his wife

[52:08] and

[52:09] the

[52:10] it's not the woman

[52:11] they shared

[52:11] no the woman

[52:12] they shared

[52:12] his name is

[52:13] lost to history

[52:13] I think

[52:14] I think it's lost

[52:14] in Alan Moore's beard

[52:15] lost girls

[52:17] rated R

[52:18] anyway

[52:20] rated X actually

[52:21] yeah probably

[52:22] but yeah

[52:23] and garbage bag

[52:24] full of coleslaw

[52:25] and good luck

[52:25] with your podcast

Stuart Wellington

[52:26] blame oh

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] still a valid

[52:29] restaurant

[52:29] if anyone wants

[52:30] to invest in it

[52:31] so we're last

[52:32] yeah and cigarette

[52:33] smoke

[52:33] what was it called

[52:34] smoking chihuahua

Dan McCoy

[52:35] yeah

[52:35] okay

Elliott Kalan

[52:39] Tales of the Gold Monkey

Dan McCoy

[52:40] this last letter

[52:41] is titled

[52:42] Letters

[52:43] You've Got

[52:44] Ellipses

[52:45] Letters

[52:46] and it's from

[52:48] Sarah Last Name Withheld

[52:49] she writes

[52:50] Sarah Dan's wife

[52:52] stop recording in my house

[52:54] Dan you stop recording

[52:54] and make your friends leave

[52:55] I'm trying to sleep

[52:56] sirs if you can see

[52:57] from this crummy phone picture

[52:58] my dreary cubicle

[53:00] is livened up

[53:01] by one of my favorite

[53:01] ebay photos

[53:02] Edward G. Robinson

[53:04] Hope Hampton

[53:05] and Herbert Marshall

[53:06] yucking it up

[53:07] in 1939

[53:08] because there was a lot

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] to laugh about

[53:10] in 1939

Dan McCoy

[53:10] Elliot never needs

[53:12] to apologize again

[53:12] for recommending

[53:13] studio era classics

[53:14] there's at least

[53:15] one of us out there

[53:15] that lives in the

[53:16] Flophouse podcast

[53:17] slash TCM

[53:18] Venn diagram overlap

[53:20] oh thank you Sarah

[53:21] I have two classic

[53:22] movie related questions

[53:23] one

[53:24] no appearance

[53:25] by Gene Tierney

[53:26] in the Elliot

[53:26] Kalen Starfucker

[53:27] TV series

[53:28] knowing Elliot's

[53:29] preference for brunettes

[53:30] I would have thought

[53:31] that she would have

[53:32] certainly made the list

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] well we gotta say

[53:34] something for season 2

[53:35] and number 2

Dan McCoy

[53:36] who would play

[53:36] the reoccurring

[53:38] role of cockblocker

[53:39] on Elliot Kalen

[53:40] Starfucker

[53:40] Sidney Greenstreet

[53:42] Leo Gorsi

[53:43] Angelo Recito

[53:45] why am I not

[53:46] choosing handsome guys

[53:47] am I doing this wrong

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] I think either

[53:49] Leo Gorsi would be great

[53:50] maybe Akeem Tamaroff

[53:51] or possibly Dan McCoy

[53:53] from the future as well

[53:56] well he

[53:57] while I was going

[53:57] through the time

Dan McCoy

[53:58] I'm like the evil

[53:59] leaper in like

[54:00] the quantum leap

[54:01] I think it's more like

Elliott Kalan

[54:02] while I'm going

[54:02] through the time

[54:02] transporter

[54:03] you go hey

[54:04] I brought your lunch

[54:05] and you jump in

[54:06] with me

[54:06] and you're my

[54:07] bumbling sidekick

[54:08] who gets

[54:08] oh so you're not

[54:09] there's no

[54:10] I don't actually

[54:10] get to fuck any stars

[54:11] oh no

[54:12] in fact

[54:13] you get chased

[54:14] by a gorilla

[54:14] in every episode

[54:16] that fucks me

[54:17] no not at all

[54:19] there's nothing funny

[54:20] about that

[54:21] there's nothing

[54:22] any human can do

[54:22] unless it's consensual

[54:24] dude

[54:24] yeah okay

[54:25] unless you're into it

[54:25] yeah

Dan McCoy

[54:25] no matter what

[54:27] trading places

[54:28] may have taught us

[54:28] there's nothing funny

[54:29] about being screwed

[54:30] by a gorilla

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] look I've done a

[54:32] powerpoint

[54:32] I have literally

[54:33] done a powerpoint

[54:34] presentation about this

Stuart Wellington

[54:34] if it's consensual

[54:35] it's not funny

[54:36] because it's

[54:37] it's erotic

Elliott Kalan

[54:38] in that point

[54:39] but there is

[54:40] nothing funny

[54:41] about gorillas

[54:42] raping people in movies

[54:43] and let me just say this

[54:44] there is no crime

[54:45] so horrible

[54:46] that it deserves

[54:48] like a monkey

[54:48] thrown a bone

[54:49] at a gorilla

[54:49] yeah

Dan McCoy

[54:51] throwing a bone

[54:53] yep

[54:54] so I hope that answers

[54:56] your question

[54:56] about gene tyranny

Elliott Kalan

[54:58] gene is that

[54:58] season two

[54:59] we've got a lot

[55:00] saved up

[55:01] don't worry

Dan McCoy

[55:01] but now

[55:03] we need to move on

Elliott Kalan

[55:04] we're going to do

[55:05] an episode where

[55:05] it's all genes

[55:06] gene tyranny

[55:07] gene arthur

[55:07] gene kelly

Dan McCoy

[55:09] wow

[55:09] sure I mean

[55:10] well he's got

[55:10] and they're going to get

[55:11] imagine he has

[55:11] muscular thighs

[55:12] out of his jeans

[55:13] what

[55:15] so this last

[55:17] segment of our podcast

[55:19] is where we make

[55:19] recommendations

[55:20] of movies to watch

[55:22] that you might

[55:23] actually enjoy

[55:24] that are

[55:24] we think are good

[55:25] um

[55:26] I'll start for once

[55:28] do it

[55:29] I watched a movie

[55:30] uh

[55:31] this last weekend

[55:32] called big brown eyes

[55:33] starring

[55:34] carrie grant

[55:35] I see

[55:37] stewart

[55:37] squinting

[55:38] as if he wants

[55:39] to make

[55:39] a joke about

[55:40] an anus

[55:41] but

[55:43] uh

[55:44] I will cut

[55:44] that off

[55:45] uh

[55:45] it is a

[55:46] it is a movie

[55:47] um

[55:48] that

[55:48] is clearly

[55:49] meant to be

[55:50] in the thin man

[55:51] vein

[55:51] it is

[55:52] uh

[55:53] as a cop

[55:53] and um

[55:55] I forget

[55:56] the name

[55:56] of the woman

[55:56] who played

[55:57] his uh

[55:58] lady friend

[55:59] but they are both

[55:59] kind of equal

[56:00] partners

[56:00] in trying to

[56:02] crack a crime

[56:03] case

[56:03] just say

Elliott Kalan

[56:04] but spelled

[56:05] c-a-r-r-i-e

[56:06] sure

[56:07] and she's got

[56:07] telekinetic powers

[56:08] uh

Dan McCoy

[56:09] so carrie grant's

[56:10] a cop

[56:10] and his lady friend

[56:11] starts out as a

[56:13] manicurist

[56:13] his lady friend

[56:15] starts out as a

[56:16] manicurist

[56:16] becomes a

[56:17] newspaper woman

[56:18] briefly

[56:19] and then returns

[56:19] to being a

[56:20] manicurist

[56:20] of course

[56:21] the movie

[56:21] uh

Elliott Kalan

[56:22] something I love

[56:23] about a certain

[56:24] type of 30s movie

[56:25] is that they just

[56:26] go wherever the

[56:27] plot takes them

[56:27] and characters

[56:28] just go on a

[56:30] journey

[56:30] yep

Dan McCoy

[56:31] that's exactly

[56:32] like she goes

[56:32] to she she's

[56:33] basically as long

[56:35] she's a newspaper

[56:36] woman as long

[56:37] as the plot

[56:37] needs her to

[56:38] to uh

[56:39] influence the

[56:40] criminals through

[56:41] uh putting out

[56:42] newspaper headlines

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] and then it's

[56:43] back to manicures

[56:44] her first true

[56:45] love

Dan McCoy

[56:45] uh but this is

[56:46] you know

[56:47] there are a lot

[56:48] like carrie grant

[56:49] obviously appeared

[56:50] in a lot of

[56:50] really great

[56:51] classic movies

[56:52] uh but it's

[56:53] sort of a treat

[56:54] to find a

[56:55] second tier carrie

[56:56] grant movie

[56:56] that you may

[56:57] not have heard

[56:57] of that's

[56:58] also a lot

[56:58] of fun

[56:59] this is kind

[57:00] of a screwball

[57:01] mystery

[57:01] it's nowhere

[57:03] near as good

[57:03] as the third

[57:04] man or something

[57:05] or sorry

[57:05] not third

[57:06] the thin

[57:06] man or

[57:06] something like

[57:07] that

[57:07] but it

[57:09] it moves

[57:10] along very

[57:10] quickly

[57:10] it's 77

[57:11] minutes

[57:12] it's got a lot

[57:13] snappy dialogue

[57:13] it's got a lot

[57:14] of plot turns

[57:15] uh and it's

[57:16] directed by uh

[57:17] raul walsh

[57:18] who uh was a

[57:19] great old hollywood

[57:20] director

[57:21] hi sierra

[57:21] all sorts of stuff

[57:23] so that's my

[57:24] recommendation

[57:25] big brown eyes

[57:26] elliot

[57:28] should i go

[57:29] should i go or

[57:29] would you like

[57:29] to go

Stuart Wellington

[57:29] elliot

[57:30] i would like

[57:30] to go now

[57:31] okay

[57:31] i'm gonna

[57:32] recommend uh

[57:33] i think it was

[57:34] from last year

[57:35] a documentary

[57:36] called the

[57:36] queen of

[57:37] ver sales

[57:38] uh

[57:39] pronounced it

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] mostly correctly

[57:41] the first three

[57:42] words you

[57:43] pronounced correctly

[57:44] think about the

[57:44] thing that i do

Stuart Wellington

[57:45] so the queen of

[57:47] ver sales

[57:48] the queen of

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] ver masturbate

[57:49] oh boy

Stuart Wellington

[57:52] so okay guys

[57:54] the queen of

[57:54] versailles is a

[57:55] uh movie about

[57:56] a it's a

[57:57] documentary that

[57:58] started out as

[57:59] a chronicling of

[58:01] this florida

[58:02] family building

[58:03] the world's

[58:04] largest single

[58:05] family home

[58:06] and midway

[58:07] through the

[58:08] construction the

[58:09] housing market

[58:10] collapses and

[58:11] the documentary

[58:12] shifts tone to

[58:13] watching this

[58:14] family go from

[58:15] like uber

[58:16] hyper wealthy

Dan McCoy

[58:17] slightly less

Stuart Wellington

[58:18] riches from the

[58:19] big house to the

[58:20] poor house and

[58:21] just what but

[58:22] it's it it

[58:23] manages to be a

[58:23] really interesting

[58:24] uh jail

Elliott Kalan

[58:25] never mind

[58:27] which is actually i

Stuart Wellington

[58:29] guess not that bad

[58:29] going from jail to

[58:30] just a poor place

[58:32] yeah i guess so

[58:32] yeah um unless

Dan McCoy

[58:33] you can't hack it

[58:34] on the outside

[58:35] oh but it's

[58:36] debtor's prison

Stuart Wellington

[58:37] wait debtor's

[58:38] prison the

[58:39] hellraiser sequel

[58:40] so it's dexter's

[58:43] prison oh

[58:44] terrible

[58:45] so it's a really

[58:45] shitty show that

[58:46] steward hates

[58:47] awesome you go

[58:49] there because you

[58:49] like it uh so

[58:52] and the movie

[58:53] ends up being uh

[58:55] it ends up being

[58:56] like the the

[58:57] story of the

[58:58] american like the

[58:59] the housing

[59:00] collapse in

[59:01] america kind of

[59:02] writ large and

[59:03] uh yeah it's

[59:05] amazing how much

Dan McCoy

[59:06] sympathy you have

[59:07] by the end of it

[59:08] for these rich

[59:09] people who are

[59:10] terrible but

[59:11] they're also human

[59:12] beings yeah you

[59:13] are reminded that

Stuart Wellington

[59:13] people who are

[59:14] awful are also

[59:15] human beings

[59:15] yeah and you

[59:16] also get to see

[59:17] a lot of shots

[59:18] of dog shit on

[59:19] the floor

[59:19] yep so if you

[59:20] like seeing dog

[59:21] shit you like

Dan McCoy

[59:22] seeing dog shit

[59:22] and dead pets

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] at a certain

[59:24] point it seems

[59:25] like they're

[59:25] building the

[59:26] world's biggest

[59:26] gray gardens

[59:27] just dog shit

[59:29] and animals

[59:29] running around

[59:30] and half

[59:30] finished construction

[59:31] and building

Dan McCoy

[59:32] the gray gardens

[59:33] themed amusement

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] park yeah

[59:35] i'd go to that

[59:36] great gardens

[59:37] you had to eat

[59:38] corn

[59:39] what rides would

[59:42] they have at the

[59:43] amusement park

[59:43] the lion bed

[59:45] the end of

[59:47] the scarves

[59:48] go round

[59:49] and the roller

[59:51] coaster is just

[59:52] called yelling at

[59:53] little lady

[59:53] uh i'm gonna

[59:56] recommend a movie

[59:57] now how about

[59:57] that fellas

[59:58] you had your

[59:59] turn now it's

[1:00:00] my turn

[1:00:01] oh man

[1:00:02] seven pounds

[1:00:03] seven pounds

[1:00:03] or just like

[1:00:04] wolverine said

[1:00:04] at the

[1:00:05] at the

[1:00:06] in that story

[1:00:07] in the hellfire club

[1:00:08] what

[1:00:09] wait what

[1:00:09] he says like

[1:00:10] now you had

[1:00:10] your shot

[1:00:10] now it's mine

[1:00:11] or whatever

[1:00:11] and then he

[1:00:12] punches somebody

[1:00:12] to death

[1:00:13] or something

[1:00:13] when he's in

[1:00:13] the sewers

[1:00:14] then he does

[1:00:14] punch a guy

[1:00:15] okay

[1:00:16] anyway

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] now it's the

[1:00:17] best at what

[1:00:17] he does

[1:00:18] and what

[1:00:18] he does

[1:00:18] is recommend

[1:00:18] movies

[1:00:19] thank you

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:19] anyway from

[1:00:20] that messy

[1:00:21] x-men

[1:00:21] reference

[1:00:21] i'm gonna go

[1:00:22] to the movie

[1:00:23] i'm recommending

[1:00:23] and it's a movie

[1:00:24] called close up

[1:00:25] it's an iranian

[1:00:26] film from

[1:00:26] 1990 that is

[1:00:28] part documentary

[1:00:29] part docudrama

[1:00:32] part horse

[1:00:33] part lion

[1:00:34] with the tail

[1:00:35] of a snake

[1:00:35] a creature

[1:00:37] from greek myths

[1:00:39] and it's direct

[1:00:41] it's a film by

[1:00:41] look out

[1:00:42] theseus

[1:00:43] your mother-in-law

[1:00:45] is in town

[1:00:46] man

[1:00:50] fighting a minotaur

[1:00:51] was better than this

[1:00:53] the mamator

[1:00:54] starring theseus

[1:00:55] with seth rogan

[1:00:56] as theseus

[1:00:57] and judah

[1:00:59] free lander

[1:00:59] as the minotaur

[1:01:00] mamator

[1:01:01] the mamator

[1:01:02] is played by

[1:01:03] kathy najibi

[1:01:04] i like it

Dan McCoy

[1:01:05] the late anne

[1:01:06] ramsay

[1:01:07] is that who

[1:01:08] they have

[1:01:09] uh

[1:01:10] throw mama

[1:01:10] from the train

[1:01:11] yeah exactly

[1:01:11] yeah sure

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] throw minotaur

[1:01:14] crisscross

[1:01:15] i'll kill your

[1:01:16] wife you'll kill

[1:01:17] the minotaur

[1:01:18] they'll never

[1:01:19] suspect us

[1:01:20] play real tales

[1:01:21] in the crypt

Dan McCoy

[1:01:22] you have no motive

[1:01:23] for killing a minotaur

[1:01:24] exactly

[1:01:25] throw a minotaur

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:29] billy crystal

[1:01:31] danny devito

[1:01:31] and a minotaur

[1:01:32] the hard part

[1:01:34] was getting a minotaur

[1:01:34] there's a nationwide

Dan McCoy

[1:01:37] casting search

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] all these minotaurs

[1:01:40] lined up

[1:01:40] holding the sides

[1:01:41] in their hands

[1:01:42] and they

[1:01:43] picked a plucky

[1:01:44] young unknown

[1:01:45] minotaur

[1:01:45] from kansas city

Dan McCoy

[1:01:46] ruined by

[1:01:48] ruined by hollywood

[1:01:49] though

[1:01:49] found dead

[1:01:50] in a hotel

[1:01:50] wow

[1:01:51] that's sad

[1:01:52] anyway

[1:01:53] you were saying

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:54] about a movie

[1:01:55] so i'm recommending

[1:01:55] the movie close up

[1:01:56] it's a movie directed

[1:01:57] by abbas

[1:01:58] carostomy

[1:01:59] is that how it's pronounced

[1:02:00] like colonostomy

[1:02:01] what

[1:02:01] carostomy

[1:02:03] i would say carostomy

[1:02:04] carostomy

[1:02:04] anyway you may know him

[1:02:06] from a lot of other

[1:02:06] iranian movies

[1:02:07] uh

[1:02:08] he's a major filmmaker

[1:02:09] but this is a movie

[1:02:10] that it's kind of

[1:02:12] and part reenactment

[1:02:13] using the people

[1:02:14] who actually

[1:02:15] did these things

[1:02:16] in real life

[1:02:17] and it's about

[1:02:17] the story of a

[1:02:18] guy who was a

[1:02:20] impoverished

[1:02:21] uh

[1:02:22] printer's clerk

[1:02:22] who

[1:02:23] basically decided

[1:02:25] to

[1:02:25] he was mistaken

[1:02:26] one day

[1:02:27] by a woman

[1:02:28] as another

[1:02:28] iranian director

[1:02:29] mosin makmabaf

[1:02:31] and he basically

[1:02:32] decided to just

[1:02:33] pretend to be

[1:02:33] that director

[1:02:34] and went to

[1:02:35] this woman's

[1:02:35] family's house

[1:02:36] and spent a lot

[1:02:37] of time with

[1:02:38] his family

[1:02:38] pretending like

[1:02:39] he was going

[1:02:39] to make a movie

[1:02:40] in their house

[1:02:41] they were going

[1:02:41] to be in it

[1:02:42] putting them

[1:02:43] through rehearsals

[1:02:44] borrowing money

[1:02:44] from them

[1:02:45] and eventually

[1:02:46] they found out

[1:02:47] he was not

[1:02:48] the man

[1:02:48] he said he was

[1:02:48] and he was

[1:02:49] arrested

[1:02:49] and this movie

[1:02:51] is a combination

[1:02:51] of footage

[1:02:53] of the trial

[1:02:54] uh

[1:02:55] that he went

[1:02:56] through

[1:02:56] and just seeing

[1:02:57] how iran

[1:02:58] conducted a trial

[1:02:59] at that time

[1:02:59] and maybe still

[1:03:00] was interesting

[1:03:01] but uh

[1:03:02] but then also

[1:03:02] the real people

[1:03:03] from

[1:03:04] that this happened

[1:03:05] to reenacting

[1:03:06] scenes

[1:03:06] uh

[1:03:07] of what happened

[1:03:09] in real life

[1:03:09] in this story

[1:03:10] and it becomes

[1:03:11] a very

[1:03:12] touching

[1:03:13] and moving

[1:03:13] story about

[1:03:14] a man who

[1:03:15] kind of

[1:03:16] just wants

[1:03:17] to feel

[1:03:17] important

[1:03:18] and does

[1:03:19] something that

[1:03:20] doesn't really

[1:03:21] hurt anybody

[1:03:22] but is still

[1:03:22] an abuse

[1:03:23] of trust

[1:03:23] uh

[1:03:24] and that

[1:03:24] you have

[1:03:25] to wonder

[1:03:25] and you get

[1:03:26] to have

[1:03:26] to wonder

[1:03:27] like

[1:03:27] what it was

[1:03:28] like for

[1:03:28] these people

[1:03:29] to reenact

[1:03:29] the scenes

[1:03:30] that they

[1:03:30] went through

[1:03:31] with this

[1:03:31] man who

[1:03:31] fooled them

[1:03:32] for the

[1:03:33] camera

[1:03:33] uh

[1:03:34] and it's

[1:03:34] a little

[1:03:35] slow at

[1:03:35] times

[1:03:35] but overall

[1:03:36] it's really

[1:03:36] good

[1:03:37] and just

[1:03:37] a different

[1:03:38] type of

[1:03:39] movie

[1:03:39] and very

[1:03:40] interesting

[1:03:40] and I'd

[1:03:40] recommend it

[1:03:41] it's called

[1:03:41] Close Up

[1:03:42] three movies

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:45] yeah

[1:03:45] well guys

[1:03:46] I think first

[1:03:48] we should make

[1:03:49] one final

[1:03:50] recommendation

[1:03:50] we should

[1:03:51] recommend

[1:03:52] people that

[1:03:53] like our

[1:03:53] podcast

[1:03:54] to go check

[1:03:54] out all

[1:03:55] things comedy

[1:03:55] for the other

[1:03:56] podcasts over there

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] network a good

[1:03:58] podcast over there

[1:03:59] it's like a

[1:03:59] bullet of comedy

[1:04:00] to your head

[1:04:01] and the thing

[1:04:01] they have in

[1:04:02] common

[1:04:02] it's all

[1:04:03] comedy

[1:04:03] it's like a

[1:04:04] bullet to your

[1:04:04] funny bone

[1:04:04] ow that would

[1:04:06] hurt

[1:04:06] no one

[1:04:07] it'd make

[1:04:07] you laugh

Dan McCoy

[1:04:07] it's like

[1:04:08] all things

[1:04:10] comedy

[1:04:10] normally you

[1:04:11] go into a

[1:04:12] place

[1:04:12] most things

[1:04:13] comedy

[1:04:13] they got

[1:04:14] one tragedy

[1:04:15] thing

[1:04:15] over the

[1:04:15] corner

[1:04:16] some things

[1:04:16] comedy

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:17] majority

[1:04:17] sadness

[1:04:18] this is like

[1:04:19] if the

[1:04:20] all thing

[1:04:21] the legendary

[1:04:22] beginning of

[1:04:23] democracy

[1:04:24] in Europe

[1:04:24] aside from

[1:04:25] Greece

[1:04:25] you know

[1:04:26] your Scandinavian

[1:04:27] democracy

[1:04:28] was comedy

[1:04:29] yeah

[1:04:31] comedy

[1:04:32] comedy

[1:04:32] dot com

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:33] yeah that was

[1:04:34] basically what I was

[1:04:35] going to say

[1:04:35] before you guys

[1:04:36] interrupted me

[1:04:36] I was going to

[1:04:38] go jab around

[1:04:39] about the all

[1:04:39] thing

[1:04:39] and Swedish

[1:04:40] mythology

[1:04:41] okay

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] well they've

[1:04:42] got a lot of

[1:04:43] good

[1:04:43] a lot of

[1:04:44] good podcast

[1:04:45] there so give

[1:04:45] it a listen

[1:04:47] comedy

[1:04:47] dot com

Dan McCoy

[1:04:48] rated r

[1:04:49] but our podcast

[1:04:50] has to come to

[1:04:51] an end

[1:04:51] must it

[1:04:52] it must

[1:04:53] and to that

[1:04:55] end

[1:04:55] mustard

[1:04:56] mustard

[1:04:57] is delicious

[1:04:57] we put on

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:58] our little

[1:04:58] sleeping caps

Dan McCoy

[1:04:59] yeah we're

[1:05:00] all tucked

[1:05:00] ourselves in

[1:05:01] we spend

[1:05:02] a little

[1:05:03] sardine

[1:05:04] can

[1:05:05] bed

[1:05:05] we're all

[1:05:06] wearing our

[1:05:06] pajamas

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:07] our pajamas

[1:05:10] for Stuart

[1:05:10] it's a

[1:05:11] long underwear

[1:05:11] with a

[1:05:12] peekaboo

[1:05:12] butt

[1:05:12] flat

[1:05:12] for me

[1:05:13] it is

[1:05:14] like a

[1:05:14] baby onesie

[1:05:15] with no

[1:05:15] feet

[1:05:15] and

Dan McCoy

[1:05:16] I'm wearing

[1:05:17] the lingerie

[1:05:17] that

[1:05:18] frankenfurter

[1:05:19] wears in the

[1:05:19] Rocky Horror

[1:05:20] picture show

[1:05:20] and we're

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:21] all tucked

[1:05:21] in an

[1:05:21] anchovy

[1:05:22] can

[1:05:22] we use

[1:05:23] the key

[1:05:23] to fill

[1:05:24] it up

[1:05:24] so we

[1:05:24] can go

[1:05:24] to sleep

[1:05:25] we blow

[1:05:26] out the

[1:05:26] firefly

[1:05:27] that's standing

[1:05:27] next to us

[1:05:28] as a light

[1:05:29] like what

[1:05:30] with a gun

[1:05:30] or something

[1:05:30] no we just

[1:05:31] blow on its

[1:05:32] butt and it

[1:05:32] knows to turn

Dan McCoy

[1:05:33] its light

[1:05:33] out

[1:05:33] yeah

[1:05:34] and I

[1:05:35] whisper

[1:05:35] to you

[1:05:36] goodnight

[1:05:37] everyone

[1:05:37] I've been

[1:05:38] Dan McCoy

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:39] and I've

[1:05:39] been Stuart

[1:05:40] Wellington

[1:05:40] and I'm

[1:05:42] Elliot Kalin

[1:05:43] see you in

[1:05:44] our dreams

[1:05:45] private

[1:05:46] butts

[1:05:46] it's not like

[1:06:03] they're a bunch

[1:06:04] of abominable

[1:06:04] snowmen

[1:06:05] or women

[1:06:06] in this case

[1:06:06] or as the case

[1:06:07] may be

[1:06:08] snow women

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:08] I'm Stuart

[1:06:09] Wellington

[1:06:09] equal opportunity

[1:06:11] cryptozoologist

Flop House CLASSIC FAVORITE - Bullet to the Head

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