Ep. #226 - Max Steel

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched Max Steel.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] That's right. Back-to-back Max Attack. Uh-oh!

Elliott Kalan

[0:08] Welcome to Maxvember.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm coming off of a cold, and also I'm allergic reactioning to Dan's cat.

[0:50] So I apologize if I sound a little snotty tonight.

Dan McCoy

[0:53] I mean, more snotty than normal?

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Well, usually I'm snotty like this.

[0:57] Um, actually, that was saboteur, not sabotage.

[1:01] But this is a different kind of snotty where there's actual snot in my face.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] You say it's sabotage. I say it's sabotage.

[1:08] You remember that?

[1:08] Was that a Phil Harmon thing?

[1:09] No, that was William Shatner.

[1:14] Oh, it's like a bootleg.

[1:16] There's outtakes of him doing the Star Trek cartoon where he's like,

[1:20] Spock, sabotage the system. Spock, sabotage the system.

[1:25] And they're like, Bill, can you say one more with a sabotage?

[1:29] You say sabotage.

[1:30] I say sabotage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] Wow, that was another episode of our classic podcast, Remember That?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] I mean, we basically became Gilbert Gottfried's podcast for a minute,

[1:39] which is essentially, Gilbert Gottfried and his co-host interview somebody,

[1:44] but half of it is just Gilbert Gottfried remembering shows he watched as a kid.

[1:48] Or like scenes from movies with people in it that are not the guest.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] Yeah.

[1:53] Seems like a pretty good format. We should adopt that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] I mean, it's fun. They seem to be having fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] Yeah, we wouldn't have to watch a movie. That seems like a plus.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] That would be a huge plus, especially if it's a movie like tonight.

Dan McCoy

[2:03] Because Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:04] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:07] And boy, howdy.

[2:08] Did we watch a thing tonight?

[2:10] I don't know.

[2:11] Was it the shape of a movie?

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Yeah, it was like a movie-like substance.

Stuart Wellington

[2:15] The only proof I have that this is a movie is that if you go by the old Pavilion movie theater

[2:20] that is still there in Brooklyn.

[2:23] It's becoming a Nighthawk theater.

[2:24] It's becoming, yeah, that's irrelevant.

[2:26] But they haven't taken down the marquee or the posters.

[2:30] Oh, no.

[2:30] And there is still a poster and the sign on the marquee for Max Steele.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] It's like, I'm going to walk by there tonight on the way home, I think,

[2:39] just to have actual evidence that this was a movie that existed in real life.

[2:44] Because it felt like...

Dan McCoy

[2:45] And then the ghost of Max Steele will appear, beckoning you into the empty theater.

[2:49] Come in.

[2:50] Come in and watch me, my exploits.

[2:53] How could you even forget?

[2:55] My exploits.

[2:56] My mini-exploits.

Elliott Kalan

[2:58] I really like saying the word exploits a lot in Max Steele.

[3:01] That's one of his mini-superpowers.

[3:03] Some people say adventures.

[3:04] I say exploits.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] And he'll hand you a thing, a tub of popcorn, and it looks delicious.

[3:10] And then you start digging into it, and it's all greasy old gross popcorn.

[3:16] I'm like...

[3:17] It's ghost popcorn.

[3:18] Yeah, that's what I meant, dude.

[3:20] It's like fucking Rufio shit.

[3:23] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[3:23] Okay.

[3:24] I'm just underlining your point.

[3:26] Someone walks into a restaurant, and they're like,

[3:28] I'll have some food, please.

[3:30] And they just give them an empty plate.

[3:32] This is some Rufio shit.

[3:34] I'm supposed to imagine there's food here?

[3:36] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:37] And the waiter's like, tell it to Yelp.

[3:39] Bangarang.

Dan McCoy

[3:40] The chef is a pioneer in Rufio cuisine.

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] Our chef was actually an original lost boy.

[3:47] He came back from Neverland and decided to bring that exotic, unique Neverland cuisine

[3:53] to modern American farm-to-table cooking.

[3:57] Now, all of our imaginary food is imaginary stores from imaginary farms, and it's brought

[4:02] to you, and we're just about seasonal imaginary ingredients, kind of letting them shine, representing

[4:07] what makes them best.

[4:09] And there's also a lot of imaginary foam.

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] Oh, that's weird.

[4:12] In my hometown, original lost boy cuisine was thinking I was eating Chinese food, but it

[4:17] would be maggots or worms.

Elliott Kalan

[4:20] That's a different lost boy.

[4:21] Different kind of lost boy.

[4:23] It's been a big debate in the lost boy community.

[4:26] Now, what if, okay, here's your crossover.

[4:29] Peter Pan takes Wendy and the other two kids, Bumpum and Bofum, or whatever their names are,

[4:34] Squiggy and Moog, and takes them to Neverland, where the lost boys are vampires.

[4:39] And he wants to turn them into vampires, too.

[4:41] Lost boys never grow up because they're vamps.

[4:44] Just like the kid vampire in Near Dark.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] ABC's Once Upon a Time on the horn, because I think you have a million dollar idea.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] I think I'll call up my old college roommate, who is a producer on Once Upon a Time.

[4:56] Yeah, why don't you?

[4:57] And I'll suggest this to him.

[4:59] That's a good idea.

[5:00] I'll call him.

Dan McCoy

[5:00] To jump backwards, though, that is something that always...

[5:03] Jump back, kiss yourself?

[5:04] Yeah.

[5:04] That's something that annoys me on Top Chef, though, is like every single chef is like,

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] my sort of style of food is I just like to let the ingredients take charge.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] I'm all about real quality ingredients, whatever's good right now.

Dan McCoy

[5:17] Yeah, what's seasonal, what's good.

[5:20] And she's like, yeah, great.

[5:22] That's everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[5:23] I'm all about really delicious flavors.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] I'm all about food that fills your tummy and makes you feel good.

[5:29] I'm about converting food into energy so you can live.

[5:32] I'm about giving you poop fuel that you can poop out later.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] That's what I serve in my restaurant.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] It's called poop fuel.

[5:41] I'm about giving you the raw ore that your body can process into finished poop.

[5:49] Because really, poop is the highest form of food because it's the last form.

[5:53] It's been through the most amazing process of all, the human stomach.

[5:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] Dan's making his pitch to the middle person in a human centipede.

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] Because Dan doesn't want to be the middle or the back.

[6:04] So he's like, no, no, no.

[6:05] I'm taking the hit by being the front.

[6:07] I'm missing out on all this great food.

[6:08] I'm giving you the good stuff.

Dan McCoy

[6:09] Look, you're getting the nutrients from me too.

[6:12] So you're assuming that I wouldn't want to be the – I would prefer to be the back because I'm getting less poop at that point.

[6:17] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] I think you're telling the back and the – I think you're getting more poop in the back.

Dan McCoy

[6:22] Really?

[6:22] I don't think so.

[6:23] I think that you got the most poop in the middle and then the guy in the middle absorbs some of that.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Poop is the shit literally that your body is not absorbing because it's not – nutrients are useful.

[6:36] Once the poop gets to the middle, there's so little nutrients in that.

[6:40] You got to believe the middle is pooping all of that stuff.

[6:42] Plus extra?

[6:43] Where is that coming from?

[6:44] Plus the blood and stuff that he's pooping out because he's not nourished properly.

[6:48] And that's going in your mouth, Dan, as the back one.

[6:52] So if you want to be the back one of this Flophouse human centipede, go ahead.

[6:56] I don't want that job.

[6:57] I'll take the front, thank you very much.

[6:59] I'll take that hair.

[7:00] Everyone wants the front.

[7:01] No, not you, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[7:02] You totally want to have your face buried in my delicious ass.

Elliott Kalan

[7:06] Look, I'll tell you this.

[7:07] Do I like the feel of one of your stubbly faces rubbing against my anus?

[7:12] No, I don't.

[7:13] And yet I'm willing to take that sacrifice by getting in the front.

[7:16] I told you I would shave, dude.

[7:17] Okay.

[7:18] I appreciate that you would shave before we're centipeded.

[7:21] Apparently this is a scheduled thing that we can prep for ahead of time.

[7:24] And then we're, what, going to the hospital together to get it done like a planned C-section?

[7:29] But, Dan, if you want to be in the back and not have your butt violated by another person's face, go ahead.

[7:35] I'll take that hit.

[7:36] You can be the back and, Stu, you can be the middle and have all the affection that comes from being in between your two closest friends.

Stuart Wellington

[7:43] So what, like this is a couple minutes in, that's when people are clicking unsubscribe and delete?

Elliott Kalan

[7:48] Now I'm just thinking about whenever someone's like, and my mom really got to like your podcast, too.

Dan McCoy

[7:53] This is really exciting, that one guy, like your friend who always shows up to the live shows and asks about human centipede.

[7:58] And always asks us what order we'd be in.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] Every time.

[8:02] Or what order the Ninja Turtles would be in or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:04] Uh-huh.

[8:05] Well, K-Sell, if you're listening, you're probably not because I don't know.

[8:10] But we'll talk about it at the next live show.

[8:12] So we watched a movie called Max Steel.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] Max the Magician and the Legend of the Ring.

[8:17] We watched that last episode.

[8:18] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[8:18] It's been a while since we watched that when we talked about it.

[8:21] So Max Steel is a movie based on a toy that had a cartoon and a series of direct-to-video movies that, Dan, you said were only released in Latin America.

Dan McCoy

[8:31] This is a factoid I found in an AV Club review.

[8:36] Okay.

[8:37] Saying that all but one of them were only released in Latin America.

[8:41] So I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm trusting the research of A.A. Dowd in this matter.

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] So if you're out there, A.A. Dowd.

[8:50] Which stands for An Amazing Dowd.

[8:51] Yes.

[8:52] So Max Steel is your basic superhero origin story.

[8:56] And by that, I mean it is the most basic, generic, like, filler.

[9:01] I'm with you.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] You find it on the lowest rung of the grocery store in a bag that has a white thing on it that says superhero.

Stuart Wellington

[9:11] I'm with both of you on this.

Dan McCoy

[9:13] Now this is.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] If it wasn't for all the magic jizz.

[9:16] There is a lot of magic jizz.

[9:17] Fair point.

[9:18] There's a lot of CGI magic jizz or tachyon energy as they prefer to call it.

[9:22] Yeah, that's what I prefer to call it.

[9:24] Flowing out of his hands, his dad's chest.

[9:28] All over the place.

[9:29] Robots everywhere.

[9:30] There's constantly, it's like, okay, everyone who wants to make a Spider-Man movie always wants to make it a puberty metaphor.

[9:36] And there's always that moment where they want him to spray webs out as some kind of a joke on premature ejaculation.

[9:41] Like, he gets excited and webs spray out.

[9:43] Everyone wants to do it.

[9:44] It's hilarious.

[9:45] This movie takes that a thousand points farther where it's like, every time we keep talking about it.

[9:50] I want him to paint the air with his jizz.

[9:53] And every time he gets too excited, it risks exploding in this jizz energy, for lack of a better word.

[10:00] They call it tachyon energy or turbo energy in this.

[10:04] But we all know what it is.

[10:05] It's jizz-er-gy.

[10:07] Yeah.

[10:08] So, just like in Theodore Sturgeon's classic short story, it wasn't jizz-er-gy.

[10:13] That's a deep cut.

[10:15] All the it-wasn't-siz-a-gy fans out there.

[10:17] Yeah.

[10:18] I haven't thought about Theodore Sturgeon in a long time.

[10:20] Anyway.

[10:20] Was he a fish who wrote short stories?

[10:23] Exactly, yes.

[10:24] No, but he was one of the inspirations for Kilgore Trout, Kurt Vonnegut's character.

[10:29] Okay.

[10:30] So, that's one of those cases where the character that he's one of many influences on became better known than the person.

Dan McCoy

[10:36] But Theodore Sturgeon wrote Baby Makes Three.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] I read that one.

[10:39] Or rather, More Than Human, which was built off the short story Baby Makes Three.

[10:43] More Than Human, which is a great book.

[10:44] He wrote To Marry Medusa, which is a great book.

[10:48] He wrote a lot of great short stories.

[10:51] Theodore Sturgeon, everybody.

[10:52] Let's hear it for him.

Dan McCoy

[10:52] Yeah.

[10:53] Come on, everybody.

[10:54] Come out.

[10:55] Come out, Teddy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] Hey, it's me, Theodore Sturgeon.

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] Hey.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Oh, you are a fish.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] I am a fish.

[11:01] Let me get my...

[11:02] Oh, I can't reach my hat because my fins are too short.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] It's a great hat, though.

[11:06] Can you just get that hat off me, Elliot?

[11:08] Yeah, sure.

[11:09] Let me get that from you.

[11:09] Oh, take it easy with those hands.

[11:12] Okay.

[11:12] I mean, you asked me to remove your hat.

[11:14] Are fish afraid of hands?

[11:16] Did you ask me?

Stuart Wellington

[11:16] I'm afraid of hands because I don't have one.

[11:18] Now, can I have my cigar back, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] Sure.

[11:22] Here's your stogie, buddy.

Stuart Wellington

[11:25] Oh, man.

[11:25] That was some great character work I just did.

[11:27] That was great.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] Really painted a word picture of this theater surgeon fish man.

Stuart Wellington

[11:31] Well, what I think is when you go into the room, you just got to use all the, like, you got

[11:35] to do some prop work.

[11:37] Look, I don't...

[11:37] You used the space.

Elliott Kalan

[11:38] You really did.

[11:39] Look, I don't throw around the words SNL audition piece ready often, but I think that

[11:44] I want to use it in this case.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] Now, I love the idea of going before Lorne Michaels and being like, all right, are you

[11:52] familiar with the works of mid-century science fiction author Theodore Serge?

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] Are you familiar with the author of erotic science fiction novel Star Body?

[12:01] Well, take a listen to this.

[12:04] And then you turn around and muss up your hair and put a hat on.

[12:08] Start talking like a fish.

[12:09] I would...

[12:10] There's part of me that would love to get the opportunity to audition for SNL and just

[12:15] deliberately blow it with the shittiest stuff.

[12:18] That would be so fun.

Stuart Wellington

[12:20] Have you ever gone...

[12:21] I've gone into job interviews...

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] Have you ever auditioned for SNL?

[12:23] No, I have not.

Stuart Wellington

[12:24] But I've gone into job interviews where I was like, I don't actually fucking want this

[12:28] job.

[12:28] I don't care.

[12:29] And those are the job interviews that go by far the best.

Dan McCoy

[12:32] Yeah, because they're not nervous.

[12:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Yeah.

[12:34] So I'm in there like, I don't care.

[12:36] They're like, what are your goals?

[12:37] I'm like, I don't really have any.

[12:39] And they're like, oh, give us more.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] An empty vessel in which we can pour our objectives.

[12:44] Speaking of empty vessels, Max Steel, which kind of is to the Marvel Cinematic Universe what

[12:50] butter...

[12:50] What Marvel Cinematic Universe is like butter to Max Steel's like a chemical lubricant that

[12:59] they tried to use as butter on popcorn, but it made people sick.

[13:03] Yep.

[13:04] It's just like a...

[13:05] Like an Alestra sort of thing.

[13:06] Yeah, it's like Alestra.

[13:07] It makes you poop.

[13:08] Thanks for bringing us back to poop, Dan.

[13:09] I'm sorry.

[13:10] But it really...

[13:11] It's a movie that really feels very generic.

[13:15] And you go through the regular templates of teen guy.

[13:19] He's handsome and buff.

[13:20] He's in a...

[13:21] He just moved into town.

[13:22] Whatever happened...

[13:23] There's a new boy in the neighborhood.

[13:24] He lives downstairs.

[13:25] Thank you, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[13:25] Dan, whatever happened to the predictability of getting a teen hero that looks like a fucking

[13:31] wimp for a change.

[13:32] Nope.

[13:33] I'm tired of all these fucking hot boys all shredded up.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] They're supposed to get shredded after they become a superhero.

[13:38] Instead, they already look like heroes.

Dan McCoy

[13:41] Yeah, exactly.

[13:41] They're supposed to go from zero to hero.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] They're going to hero to hero, which is not an interesting arc.

[13:48] And...

[13:49] Unless it's a hero sandwich.

[13:50] It's turning into a gyro.

[13:51] If I can...

[13:52] Like a werewolf type thing.

[13:54] It was bitten by a were gyro, and now it turns into a gyro at night.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] Yep.

[13:58] And, uh...

[14:01] So...

[14:01] I don't even want to do this.

[14:03] I love Stuart doing that.

[14:04] Stuart bailed out.

[14:04] He, like, hit the ripcord.

Dan McCoy

[14:05] He's like, this is not a valid alley to go down.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] It's like Stuart saw a brick wall in front of him, and he just swerved out of the way

[14:14] at the last minute.

[14:17] So what I'm saying is, if I'm a kid...

[14:19] He's like, should I take a shortcut through Crime Alley?

[14:21] Nah, I think I'll just take the regular way home.

[14:23] Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Stuart Wellington

[14:24] So I'm going to get back on the highway, and I want to talk about how if I was a fucking

[14:27] cool teen, or I wasn't even that cool of a teen, and I'm watching this guy, and I'm

[14:33] like, I already want to be the kid before he gets fucking powers.

Elliott Kalan

[14:37] He's really handsome.

[14:38] He's ripped.

[14:39] He's got fucking drunken master playing on TV behind him.

[14:43] A TV in his room that only plays kung fu movies, and good ones.

[14:47] Yeah.

[14:47] He's living the life.

[14:48] He's got this great solar system mobile his dad made for him.

[14:51] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[14:51] His mom's Maria Bello.

[14:53] Yeah.

[14:53] Inventor of the Bellows.

[14:55] Uh-huh.

[14:56] That's right.

[14:56] You might know her as Hat Detective.

[14:59] Hat Cop.

[15:00] Hat Cop show on NBC.

[15:01] But what was the name of that show?

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] It was like a character's name.

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] It was based on an English show for a character that also had Hat.

[15:09] So, yeah, that was Chapeau Cop.

Dan McCoy

[15:11] That was Chapeau Bobby.

[15:13] Did they ever explain?

[15:14] I mean, Chapeau is a French word.

[15:15] I know, but it's just classier.

[15:17] That's all.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Was that like one of those things, like how on The Strain they gave Corey Stahl that hilariously

[15:23] bad hairpiece?

[15:24] Yeah.

[15:24] And the reason, they're like, oh, it's going to matter in the story at some point.

[15:28] And about two, I made it about two seasons through, and I'm like, there's no reason for

[15:32] it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] You're still wearing this crazy hairpiece.

[15:35] That's just about building a character, you know?

[15:37] Yeah.

[15:38] In some places, characters are welcome.

[15:39] I mean.

[15:43] It's like I punched Stuart in the face.

[15:46] Like he just stopped.

[15:47] Like.

Stuart Wellington

[15:48] The.

[15:49] Yeah.

[15:49] I mean, do you think it's all for like a moment where they're going to play like a Puddle

[15:53] of Mud song and he's going to like slowly buzz his head or something?

[15:57] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] So, Max Steel.

[16:00] So, Max McGrath moves into town.

[16:03] He's a new kid.

[16:03] Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray?

[16:05] No.

[16:05] Max McGrath.

[16:06] Son of James McGrath, the science genius.

[16:09] And also Ripped.

[16:11] Like.

[16:11] Oh my God, dude.

[16:12] His dad is basically like Patrick Warburton's gym partner is the way I would describe him.

Stuart Wellington

[16:18] If you can look good wearing a pair of fucking chinos and no shirt, I fucking salute you.

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] I mean, there's a reason that he does.

[16:25] He goes shirtless in his science lab while he's working on his magic.

[16:30] His magic jizz energy to stop aliens from eating the earth.

[16:33] Yeah.

[16:33] And like.

[16:34] And I just made the movie sound way more interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[16:36] And he's about to fight these and these aliens.

[16:38] And he's like, I'm just going to take off my shirt.

[16:41] I'm going to keep wearing these work pants.

Elliott Kalan

[16:43] Why would he have to take his pants off?

[16:45] He didn't walk through the rain.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] Yeah.

[16:47] But don't you think he'd like have some other kind of pants on?

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Like.

[16:50] What, like Zubas or something?

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] Zubas?

[16:53] Yeah.

[16:53] I mean, for movement, I would say, yeah.

[16:55] But I mean, like.

[16:56] Maybe.

[16:57] Like tights.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] Yeah.

[16:59] It makes sense if they're cargo pants.

[17:01] Because then you've got all that cargo that you're transporting.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] Like the transporter.

[17:05] That's why they call him that, right?

[17:06] Yeah.

[17:06] Because he wears cargo pants?

[17:07] That's right.

[17:08] He wears cargo pants.

[17:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:09] He put that woman in one of his pockets and transported her around.

Stuart Wellington

[17:15] Wouldn't that be great if the transporter got out of his car and he's wearing some

[17:19] like Jenko jeans?

[17:21] And they're like, oh, we can carry a million people in those.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] There's even like a wrench through the like wrench holder or whatever it is.

[17:26] Sure, yeah.

[17:28] Or the hammer strap.

[17:29] Yeah.

[17:29] So, Max Steele.

[17:31] He's a quiet kid.

[17:33] Long story short, one day out of nowhere.

[17:36] Oh, his mom and he move into a house next to an abandoned science facility.

[17:41] He, out of nowhere one day, he starts affecting electronic objects with his hands.

[17:46] Making them go crazy-wazy.

[17:47] And eventually, he's just trailing this stringy energy from his hands.

[17:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:53] And we say stringy.

[17:54] Like, that's why we talk about it like jizz energy.

[17:56] Because it looks like, you know, like sperm floating around.

Elliott Kalan

[18:00] Yeah, but he also like, there's a lot of him just looking at it, waving his hand, and you're

[18:04] like, so this kid's just high.

[18:05] Is that what's happening?

Stuart Wellington

[18:06] Well, it's like a mix of that, and it's like, there's literally a moment where he's playing

[18:11] around with his fucking jizz energy, loses control, and like knocks the power out, and

[18:15] his mom's like, are you doing something in there, Max?

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] Just jizzing, Mom.

[18:21] Don't come in, Mom.

[18:23] I don't have magic powers.

[18:24] I'm just manipulating my penis until it ejaculates.

[18:28] All right up there.

[18:30] You better not have magic powers, though.

[18:32] Anyway, he goes to school, and is immediately hit by a truck, driven by a cute girl.

[18:38] And it is a meat cute, in that the two of them are instantly in the low.

[18:43] That he's a slab of meat.

[18:44] And he's a slab.

[18:45] Oh, man.

[18:46] She's cute.

[18:46] She's cute, and he's meat.

[18:48] It's called Ham Boy.

[18:50] It's the story of a boy made out of ham.

[18:53] It's bad enough being a teen when you're not made out of lunch meat.

[18:56] Hi, I'm Ham Boy.

[18:57] Welcome to my world.

[18:59] It's called Diary of a Whippy Ham Boy.

[19:00] Can I support you on Patreon?

[19:03] Sure, go ahead, please.

[19:06] And he has more problems, blah, blah.

[19:08] Electricity comes out of his hands.

[19:09] We all know that.

[19:10] Anyway, long story short.

Stuart Wellington

[19:11] He tries to get to the bottom of his dad's death.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] Yes, he does some Google searching, because apparently he was told a tornado hit the very

[19:19] science facility they just moved back next to.

[19:23] That's weird.

[19:23] And that's where his dad got killed.

Stuart Wellington

[19:25] So does he get any answers from Andy Garcia?

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] Andy Garcia, his dad's business partner, Miles, does not give him any answers.

[19:32] He doesn't look like a Miles.

[19:33] No, Miles Silverberg looks like a Miles.

[19:35] Or Murphy Brown.

[19:36] Yeah.

[19:37] Or Miles O'Keefe.

[19:38] Those are the two poles of Miles.

[19:40] They're miles apart.

[19:42] Shut up.

[19:43] Shut up.

Dan McCoy

[19:44] You goddamn you.

[19:46] Hey, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] You can't smell smiles without Miles.

Dan McCoy

[19:49] Oh, fuck off.

Elliott Kalan

[19:51] Andy Garcia doesn't tell him much.

[19:53] But while they're having dinner.

[19:54] Andy Garcia and his family.

[19:56] A robot breaks out of some other science institution, and Max seems to have some kind of mental link

[20:02] with it.

[20:03] This robot turns out to be named Steel.

[20:05] And he's a little flying bot who flies around and speaks in a lot of slang, but doesn't know

[20:11] what a mom is.

[20:12] Like, they're really playing fast and loose with what things the robot understands and what

[20:16] he doesn't.

[20:16] So Miles is like, hey, just try to stay cool.

[20:19] And he goes, but I can't control my core temperature, Max.

[20:22] But then later, the robot is like, hey, just trying to heat Coolio.

[20:26] Keep it on the DL, you know.

[20:27] And it's like, hold on a second.

[20:30] Are you telling me, did he like upload every slang into it from the internet?

Stuart Wellington

[20:33] Every episode of Hollywood Squares, and he's familiar with the character Coolio.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] And the robot is voiced by, what's his name?

Dan McCoy

[20:41] Big Head from Silicon Valley.

Elliott Kalan

[20:43] And he does a fine job.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] Wait, is that the actor's name or the character?

[20:48] Yeah, that's the actor's name.

[20:50] James Big Head.

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] Dan, you know that I don't watch Silicon Valley out of protest because it's a comedy

[20:56] and it should have been called Silly Con Valley.

Elliott Kalan

[20:59] You're right.

[21:00] That's a fair point, yeah.

[21:01] Take that, Mike Judge.

[21:03] Okay, you can take it.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] All the way to the bank.

[21:08] The river bank.

[21:09] Where Ratty is.

[21:10] And Mole, look at them.

[21:13] Wiling away their days.

[21:14] Yep.

[21:15] In a boat.

[21:16] Time for them to meet Pan, the nature god.

[21:18] In the weirdest chapter of that book.

[21:20] Of Wind in the Willows.

[21:23] What if it was called Wind in the Willow?

[21:25] And it was about Willow from the movie Willow, and he's got gas.

[21:28] And Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer shows up.

[21:31] Also, Mitt gas.

Dan McCoy

[21:33] But anyway, Max has this relationship with this robot.

[21:39] They're a real robot and Frank.

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] They're a real Ratchet and Clank.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] It's a real batteries are included for some reason.

[21:47] It's a real.

[21:48] What are their.

[21:48] So they hang out and bullshit a lot, and the robot seems to dole out.

[21:53] Exposition.

[21:53] Little bits of exposition and like memories.

Elliott Kalan

[21:57] The robot will be like, you have tachyon energy and I feed off of it.

[22:01] I have to feed it off of you or else you'll explode if it builds up too much.

[22:04] But why is that?

[22:05] I don't remember.

[22:07] Let's get to the next level and then we'll unlock my memories.

Stuart Wellington

[22:10] And then a bunch of dudes show up and start shooting bullets at them.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] Jerks in black vans and black suits are firing guns.

[22:17] It's a real.

[22:18] It's like X and Sever have teamed up to go after Max.

[22:21] And they are ballistic.

[22:22] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] Normally they are versus each other.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] That's what's so crazy about it.

[22:26] It's usually it's X versus Sever.

[22:28] It's the story we've all come to know and love.

[22:30] It's been passed down for generations.

[22:33] And it's ballistic.

[22:33] It's like the tourist in the hair.

[22:34] But now it's like they've gone really ballistic.

[22:36] And X was like, hey, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

[22:41] And I guess Max Steel is my enemy.

[22:43] And Sever also doesn't like my enemy.

[22:45] So I guess we're friends now.

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] At any point does Sever clarify?

[22:48] I've never seen the film.

[22:50] Does Sever ever clarify that the last name is pronounced Seaver?

[22:54] Oh, that would change things.

Elliott Kalan

[22:56] Yeah.

[22:57] And well, just that what kind of last name is E-C-K-S-X?

Dan McCoy

[23:00] Yeah, that's true.

[23:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] When it was X versus Seaver and it was just a divorce thing where a guy named Seaver is

[23:06] in court with his X, but she is ballistic.

Dan McCoy

[23:11] No matter what, the important thing is ballistic.

Stuart Wellington

[23:15] Jokes about X versus Sever being a court case is pretty topical right now.

[23:20] I'm glad we're really touching on that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] I mean, even when X versus Sever came out, those jokes were not topical.

[23:26] That is maybe the most resounding what?

[23:30] That a movie was ever greeted with.

[23:32] Was maybe Skidoo was the only movie that was greeted with more bafflement by America.

[23:37] X versus Sever.

[23:38] Wherever it was like, are we supposed to know?

Dan McCoy

[23:41] Our favorite characters, X and Sever, finally finding each other.

[23:45] The battle we've been waiting for for years.

[23:47] Guys, we've got to clarify this.

[23:48] We've got to clarify this.

[23:50] Colon ballistic.

[23:52] Ballistic, colon, X versus Sever.

Elliott Kalan

[23:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] We've got to know how crazy this fight is.

[23:58] It's ballistic.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] Now, X, Sever, we knew it was going to happen, but is it a real, like, are they ballistic?

[24:05] Let's make sure the audience knows that.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] We've been talking about it for, like, five minutes now, and it's still funny enough that I just, like, beer just went up my nose.

Stuart Wellington

[24:16] Now, in the trailer, do the two lead characters just have people saying their name over and over so that it, like, grinds into the audience?

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] The ad for the movie Mumford, where it was like, Mumford?

[24:28] Mumford?

[24:29] I hate it when trailers do that.

[24:31] Mm-hmm.

[24:31] That's, everybody's talking about Ferris Bueller.

[24:34] Bueller?

[24:35] Bueller?

[24:36] Bueller?

[24:36] Don't see the new Baby Driver trailer.

[24:39] No, it just bothers me because it's like, am I supposed to be surprised that, like, this character must be exciting?

[24:44] Everyone in the movie is saying his name.

[24:46] There's a lot of demand among characters in this movie to know about the main character.

Dan McCoy

[24:49] It's not like, you can't be just like, everyone would be like, this guy has a crazy name.

[24:55] He's like, yeah, the screenwriter fucking wrote him with a crazy name, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] But it would be a different thing if it was, like, a famous character who's finally, it was like, and there's only one thing that can solve this crime.

[25:06] Frankenstein?

[25:07] Frankenstein?

[25:08] Frankenstein.

[25:09] Frankenstein, P.I.

[25:10] Or something like that.

[25:12] Like, then I'd be like, okay, I get, it's exciting to hear that name many times because I've got a lot of built up enthusiasm for that.

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[25:17] Like, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla.

[25:20] Exactly, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:21] But it's like, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla.

[25:24] Godzilla.

[25:25] That's how you would do it.

[25:27] To show that Godzilla's all things to all people.

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[25:30] The kaleidoscope of characters.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] That's a real Rashomon Citizen Kane type thing where everyone has a different view on Godzilla.

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] Oh, yeah, and there's different stories.

[25:38] And you're trying to figure out, whoa, was Godzilla a hero?

[25:42] Was he a zero?

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Yeah.

[25:43] Was he actually a monster or was he just some dude?

[25:45] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[25:47] Who had a bad day.

[25:48] Yeah, that's me.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] What's going on with Max Steel?

Stuart Wellington

[25:51] Where were we off?

Elliott Kalan

[25:51] So he's got this robot buddy, but they're on the run.

[25:53] You're not Dan.

[25:55] Well, you weren't answering the question.

[25:56] I forgot where we stopped.

Stuart Wellington

[25:57] He needs that robot because the robot has to suck off his excess juice.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] Okay, that's not the way the movie puts it, but yes, the robot has to absorb his excess energy,

[26:06] which comes out in strands.

Stuart Wellington

[26:07] Yeah, because he's a teen.

[26:09] He can't control all that excess energy.

[26:10] And the robot's like, oh, yeah, give it to me.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] Fill me up.

[26:13] Mm-hmm.

[26:13] I might be paraphrasing.

[26:16] The long story short, in something that will surprise no one, he gets superpowers from being

[26:22] close to this robot, and they can combine so that he has some kind of mecha suit on him.

[26:26] It was at this point that I really wished I was watching The Giver.

Stuart Wellington

[26:29] Oh, my God.

[26:30] It's basically a bad The Giver.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] And The Giver is not great.

[26:35] It's pretty fun.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] Wait, which The Giver are we talking about?

[26:38] The live-action first one.

[26:40] See, I'm talking about the original-

[26:42] Oh, the anime?

[26:42] The original manga.

Elliott Kalan

[26:44] Oh, I see.

[26:45] Well, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[26:46] Well, anything where you have tons of giant monsters fighting a dude with a, like, organic

[26:53] armor suit that shoots giant lasers out of its chest, that's awesome.

[26:58] Any more of that.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] Guys, what if McGiver was just an Irish version of The Giver?

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] That would be great.

[27:04] I mean, there's nothing telling me that-

[27:06] I mean, what was McGiver then?

[27:07] Was he Scottish or Irish?

[27:09] That's what I'm saying.

[27:10] But he already kind of is that.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Yeah, but he doesn't have, like, a mecha suit.

[27:15] Oh, I see.

[27:16] He doesn't have, like, an alien parasite bonded with him.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] So why'd you ring up McGiver?

[27:21] Because I said, what if McGiver was an Irish version of The Giver?

[27:24] Oh, I thought you said an Irish version of McGiver.

[27:26] No.

[27:27] Wow, this was just a real cul-de-sac of a conversation.

[27:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] Let's get back to Max Steel so we don't have to do any more of your offensive Irish humor.

Dan McCoy

[27:36] Oh, I'm powered by potatoes.

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] That's offensive, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[27:41] This is the ethnic humor tradition that vaudeville was built on, all right?

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] It's true.

[27:45] He makes a good point.

[27:47] And this is nothing if not a vaudeville show.

[27:49] So anyway, Max Steel's now officially a superhero.

[27:52] Uh-huh.

[27:52] Although, it's kind of more like a stupper hero.

Stuart Wellington

[27:54] Every time he gets in a fight, he fucking, he loses his suit and he's just, like, rolling around with his robot buddy.

[28:00] Totally nude balls.

[28:01] And his shirt is all shredded up like some fucking Swiss cheese.

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] He can't wear a shirt without getting full of holes.

[28:06] Now, here's something to look forward to if you're watching this.

[28:09] Of course, he does some parkour training in the abandoned science facility, looking like, as Stuart pointed out, Billy Elliot, or as I would say, Footloose.

[28:17] Like, he is one step away from just being, oh, I'm dancing away my anger in this abandoned warehouse.

[28:22] Ah!

Stuart Wellington

[28:23] So yeah, Elliot's saying, if you're looking for some parkour tips, you can watch this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[28:28] First tip, get a robot buddy who controls your energy jizz so that you can do amazing parkour without any training.

[28:34] Now, he's being hunted down by an evil alien called an Ultralink.

[28:39] They make tornadoes, and he defeats one narrowly and discovers, uh-oh, it's actually just a floating little robot like his buddy Steel.

[28:46] Was Steel, did Steel actually kill his father?

[28:49] No, Steel says, I was working with your father, and I remember more of it now.

[28:52] Let's experience some memories, shall we?

[28:54] This is a movie that is full of cutscenes, where, like in a video game, the level would stop and you'd just watch some backstory for a while.

[29:01] That's this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[29:02] Your codec would ring, and you would have to talk to whoever is going through weird life problems.

[29:08] And then you continue with the game for a couple of seconds.

Dan McCoy

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:11] Also, this movie is so lazy when it comes to the villain, because it doesn't really explain, like, these Ultralinks.

[29:16] It's just like, okay, there's like...

[29:18] There's good aliens, there's a bad aliens.

[29:19] There's a bad version of Steel, basically.

[29:22] And we're not going to learn anything about their motivations or why they're here or anything.

[29:27] They want to eat the world or something.

[29:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] They're like when Warren Ellis redid Galactus for the Ultimate Universe, and he was like a hive mind of bugs or something.

[29:37] Really made Stuart mad.

Stuart Wellington

[29:40] Anytime you reimagine a dude who's like a giant purple man as something that's more realistic, get out of here.

[29:48] Fuck that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] If you don't want giant purple men, what are you doing in the world of comics?

[29:51] Yeah.

[29:52] Go back to just tweeting about how much you love your portable communications technology.

Stuart Wellington

[29:57] I'm just saying I like the, like, I mean, Galactus was a Jack Kirby character, right?

[30:03] Very much so.

[30:03] And that's what's so great about it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:05] Yeah, I mean, the one silly thing was that he had a big G on his chest.

[30:10] That's awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] But then they got rid of that.

[30:11] So everyone knows that he's Galactus.

Dan McCoy

[30:14] But he has...

[30:15] Like, wait, hold on.

[30:16] Which guy who...

[30:17] Are you the watcher?

[30:18] Are you...

[30:19] Which one of the guys who eats planets?

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] Every time he lands on a plane, he goes, I hope you guys speak and read English or else my costume's not going to make as much sense.

Stuart Wellington

[30:27] One of my...

[30:28] What do they call them?

[30:30] It's like...

[30:30] Heralds?

[30:31] Emissary's Heralds.

[30:31] Yeah, one of my Heralds told me you guys recognize this letter.

Dan McCoy

[30:35] I don't know what it means myself.

[30:36] I just slapped it on.

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] Well, it's like whenever...

[30:38] They keep me current with the trends of normal-sized folks.

[30:43] I call them normal-sized folks even though to me I'm normal.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] And now it's time to twerk.

[30:49] As I've heard is very popular nowadays.

[30:54] Damn Daniel, etc.

[30:59] Now for one of those drops.

[31:01] Boom.

[31:03] He does have...

[31:04] Galactus has the best helmet of any comic book character.

[31:07] Yeah, it's awesome.

[31:07] I love that design so much.

[31:09] Anyway, so he finds out...

[31:11] He thinks Steel is bad.

[31:12] Turns out Steel is not bad.

[31:13] The villain is...

[31:14] Surprise, surprise.

[31:16] It's Andy Garcia.

[31:17] Of course it is.

[31:18] Yeah.

[31:18] He betrayed Max's dad and was working with the Ultralis.

Stuart Wellington

[31:22] In a fantastic flashback where his hair got super crazy.

[31:25] That's why you know he's a bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] And the best thing about the beginning of these flashbacks is...

[31:29] A lot of the movie from this point on becomes extreme close-ups of the characters...

[31:34] With colored filters on their faces going...

[31:36] As they propel energy jizz out of their bodies.

[31:42] And it is even more like...

[31:44] Okay, this is just like angry porn.

[31:46] And this guy is angry and he is just letting loose.

[31:49] He's just so mad about the sex he's having.

[31:52] But Andy Garcia tracks down...

[31:55] No, or Max tracks down Andy Garcia.

[31:56] And they have a power suit fight.

[31:58] Andy Garcia has built a battle suit that absorbs tachyon energy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:01] And Andy Garcia gets a little bit of like the bad guy speech stuff going on.

[32:06] And he's pretty fun.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Give me the energy.

[32:09] I need it.

[32:10] They go fighting for a while.

[32:11] Max keeps getting his butt handed to him by someone who...

Stuart Wellington

[32:14] I'm just trying to say Andy Garcia...

[32:15] You know, he delivers an okay performance in this one.

[32:17] He does fine.

[32:18] As you said, his voice gets sillier as it goes on.

[32:20] Yeah, he gets way Brooklyn-y.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] Max is not doing well.

[32:25] He's not good at fighting.

[32:27] Luckily, he gets a respite when all the mercs who were chasing after him before, the hitmen,

[32:34] who we learned are working for his mom, they attack Andy Garcia.

[32:38] And Andy Garcia kills all of them.

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:41] And then Max is like, I know what I'm going to do.

[32:43] I'm going to give him what he wants.

[32:44] And he pulls the oldest trick in the book.

[32:47] Yeah.

[32:47] What I want.

[32:48] I want.

Dan McCoy

[32:49] I want.

[32:49] He really, really, really wants a zig-a-zig-a.

[32:51] Yeah.

[32:52] Which is weird biguffin for the movie to have.

[32:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] Then it turns into a backdoor Spice Girls pilot.

[32:57] Yeah.

[32:59] That at the end, the oldest trick in the book, I'll give you the power you want, too much

[33:04] power, and you won't be able to handle it.

[33:07] Send it into turbo energy, steal.

[33:09] And he shoots him full of turbo energy, and he, what, explodes or something?

[33:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] There's the great moment of like, he's like, I'll give you what you want.

[33:16] He's like, perfect.

[33:17] I love it.

[33:17] He's like, I'm going to give you too much.

Elliott Kalan

[33:19] And he's like, no, I'm dying.

[33:22] And Max wins the day.

[33:24] His t-shirt is full of holes.

[33:26] Steel is a-okay.

[33:27] Oh, he is spent.

[33:28] The laziest possible Max thinking that Steel has died in the battle happens, where Max is

[33:33] lying on the ground and Steel is next to him.

[33:34] Max is like, Steel.

[33:36] Steel, talk to me.

[33:38] Steel.

[33:39] Actually, Max Magician thinking that his mouse buddy was dead was done better than this.

[33:45] Of the two Maxes, I would watch Max Magician again in a heartbeat.

[33:49] But anyway, but everything's okay, and his mom reveals to him, oh, you can do all this

[33:55] because...

[33:58] What?

[33:59] What?

[33:59] Your dad's an alien.

[34:01] Oh.

[34:02] I thought his stepmother was an alien.

[34:03] No, that's a different movie, but you thought your family was crazy.

[34:07] But mom and dad saved the universe, so it's okay.

[34:10] Was it mom and dad saved the universe?

[34:11] Saved the world.

[34:12] Right.

[34:13] Yeah.

[34:13] And stay tuned.

[34:14] You thought your family was weird.

[34:17] Oh, what did I say?

[34:18] Crazy.

[34:18] Oh, sorry.

[34:20] I'm getting all my movies that...

[34:21] All your bad movies.

[34:22] All the movies that I looked at the boxes of the video store a ton of times then when

[34:26] I finally watched them was disappointed.

[34:28] You didn't see mom and dad saved the world in the theater?

[34:31] No, actually, I didn't see that until it was on HBO, and then I saw it a couple times.

Dan McCoy

[34:34] Yeah.

[34:34] That's a movie that, in my mind, will always be linked with Stay Tuned, even though they

[34:38] have nothing to do with each other.

[34:39] That's why I said it.

[34:41] That's why Stuart mentioned Stay Tuned.

[34:42] Oh, did you say that right now?

[34:43] Yeah, yeah.

[34:43] Stay Tuned, I saw the video.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] Stay Tuned's a movie where John Ritter dresses up like...

[34:47] And Ritter dresses up like Salt-N-Pepa.

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] Yeah.

[34:50] Stay Tuned was a movie that...

[34:51] Stay Tuned has a Chuck Jones interlude in it.

[34:53] Sure.

[34:53] And then Godzilla shows up in it, or some kind of giant monster.

[34:57] That's a...

[34:57] And Jeffrey Jones is in it.

[34:58] That's a movie that...

[34:59] My family saw that in the theater.

[35:01] Does Jeffrey Jones play a good guy?

[35:03] No, he plays the villain, as is usually the case.

[35:06] Like in the real world.

[35:10] We saw that movie, my family, and...

[35:12] In MTV's thrill world.

[35:14] Let me give you...

Dan McCoy

[35:14] Where he came in and he molested all the cast members.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] They're not even kids.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] Sorry.

[35:22] Libelist.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] It really makes Ferris Bueller feel very different.

[35:25] Yeah, it does.

[35:26] To have a movie where Jeffrey Jones is chasing a high school boy for the entire movie and says

[35:32] literally at one point, your ass is mine.

[35:34] Yeah.

[35:35] Now, anyway, when my family went to see Stay Tuned in the theaters, guess what our reaction was?

Dan McCoy

[35:40] Did you not stay tuned?

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] We loved it.

Dan McCoy

[35:43] And it became a regularly rented film in our house.

[35:47] Yeah, I've got a lot of fondness for Stay Tuned.

[35:49] It is a dumb movie, but it's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[35:49] Is that the number one rented movie in your household?

[35:52] By far, the Gremlins duilogy was the most rented by me.

[35:57] I would rent Gremlins almost every week at different points.

[36:00] It took a long time for my parents to be like, we should just buy you a company of Gremlins.

[36:04] Because that would cost $20 and you've been spending $4 a week for 30 weeks.

[36:09] Really?

Stuart Wellington

[36:10] Because there was that long.

[36:11] It was really weird, the break between when VHS tapes were like $100 at a store if you wanted to buy a new one.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] Well, that was built in for the rental market.

[36:22] Yeah.

[36:23] In order to give rental stores time to make money, it was agreed, okay, we'll put them out for like $100.

[36:27] And then after a few months, they'll cost like $10.

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:31] Or $15.

Stuart Wellington

[36:31] I think in my house, the number one rented movie was Ski Patrol.

[36:37] Okay, interesting.

[36:39] Me and my brother watched that movie all the time.

[36:42] Although I don't remember it, but I'm sure if I watched it, I would remember every single moment.

[36:47] And Dan, what was yours?

Dan McCoy

[36:48] I don't think we rented movies over and over again.

[36:51] I don't think we did multiple rentals of the same movie.

[36:55] I mean, I had movies that I taped off of television that I watched over and over again.

[37:00] Like, Heather's or Army of Darkness.

[37:03] But, yeah, Night Eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] I was a little younger than Heather's in Army of Darkness age when I was renting Gremlins.

Dan McCoy

[37:09] Yeah, well, you're a little younger than me.

[37:12] Okay, I guess those movies didn't kick in where I was until I was.

[37:16] It's just a factual thing.

[37:17] I'm not, it's not a judgment call.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] But what did you watch a lot when you were a little kid?

Stuart Wellington

[37:23] I don't know, like The Muppets or something?

[37:25] Yeah, didn't you watch like Repossessed a million times with Leslie Nielsen and all that hilarious nudity?

Dan McCoy

[37:30] The hilarious nudity.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] I mean, there's jokes.

[37:33] There's joke sound effects when there's nudity.

Dan McCoy

[37:36] Yeah, that's right.

[37:38] It was the Portlandia of it.

[37:39] Because boobs are automatically funny if there's a boing-oing sound that goes along with it.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] It was the Portlandia of its day in that they threw a lot of cartoon sound effects into it.

[37:48] Which is one of my favorite things about Portlandia.

[37:50] Anyway, so, Max Steel, turns out his dad's an alien.

[37:53] He's half alien and that's how he can control tachyon power.

[37:57] And we're set up.

[37:57] Oh, and he goes over to that girl who he's been flirting with the whole movie.

[38:01] And he shows her a picture he drew of her surrounded by polygons, tetrahedrons.

[38:05] And we know that that represents his semen, but she doesn't know that.

[38:08] So she thinks it's adorable.

[38:09] And she kisses him and that's the end of the movie.

[38:12] Feed the black.

Stuart Wellington

[38:14] Yeah.

[38:14] And then you see Andy Garcia's claw bursts out of the ground.

[38:18] Oh, I wish.

Dan McCoy

[38:19] And says, Max Steel returning.

[38:22] Nothing.

[38:22] Max Steel 2 stealing it.

[38:25] Max Steel 2 steal, steal.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] Steel alive.

[38:30] Steel alive is probably the best one.

[38:32] Electric steal a loo.

[38:34] Nope.

[38:34] Go back.

[38:35] It might want to reverse.

[38:37] So Max Steel was kind of like, here's how I describe it best.

[38:41] Yep.

[38:42] You're at your grandparents for the weekend and you're a kid.

[38:44] Okay.

[38:45] And Grammy wants to take a nap.

[38:47] And she knows you don't want to take a nap.

[38:49] So she turns on the TV.

[38:51] Hey, it looks like there's some kind of Superman hero movie on.

[38:54] You like them Marvel Supermans.

[38:56] Yes.

[38:56] Why don't you watch this while Grammy closes or rests her eyes a little bit.

[39:00] And then you do.

Dan McCoy

[39:02] You're making me very sad about this fictional Grammy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] Grammys like to nap.

[39:07] No, I know.

[39:08] This happened to me many times.

[39:10] I'd spend a weekend at my grandma's and she would be like, Grammy needs to rest her eyes.

[39:16] Why don't we, let's see what dinosaur related movie is on television.

[39:19] Because there weren't a lot of superhero movies at the time.

[39:21] And anything that was remotely related to dinosaurs, just turn it on.

[39:25] I'd watch that for hours.

Stuart Wellington

[39:26] Would she then retire to her bedroom where she would look at like a cameo or something?

[39:32] Of her boyfriend from the war.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] You guys are genuinely making me sad about this fictional character.

[39:40] Why?

Stuart Wellington

[39:41] Would this fictional Grammy also.

[39:44] Has won a Grammy, yes.

[39:46] Wow.

[39:47] First spoken word.

[39:48] Okay.

[39:49] Yeah, she was in contention with Henry Rollins, but she beat him out.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] She beat Henry Rollins in Jello Biafra.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] So would this Grammy, after the kids have gone to bed, sneak outside and, wait, no, no, no.

[40:03] Let me go back.

[40:04] Would she go out there with the kids and plant scraps of crayons in the ground?

[40:10] And then when the kids are asleep, go out and replace them with little crayons sticking up out of the ground?

[40:14] Because that's what my Grammy used to do.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] Oh, that's really sweet.

[40:17] No, that's really cute.

[40:19] The Grammy in my memory lived in an apartment building, so we couldn't do that.

Stuart Wellington

[40:23] There is not a single square yard of tillable earth.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] No.

[40:30] In the East 50s in Manhattan?

[40:31] No, there is not.

[40:32] Okay.

[40:33] All right.

[40:33] Not when you're on the 13th or 14th floor of a building.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] So let's stop talking about our grandmas.

Elliott Kalan

[40:40] I realize you haven't said anything about your grandma, Dan.

[40:44] Dan, tell us one nice thing about a grandma.

Dan McCoy

[40:49] It sounds like you've got a lot of rage towards grandmas.

[40:51] No, I don't have a lot of rage towards grandmas.

Elliott Kalan

[40:54] Someone's getting a little angry right now.

Dan McCoy

[40:57] I'm sad at this picture that you're painting of this fictional grandma.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] She's got a loving grandchild.

[41:02] She's got a nice life.

[41:03] She gets to rest for a little bit.

[41:05] Sounds to me like this is heaven.

[41:06] Sounds pretty hard.

[41:07] Sounds like heaven.

[41:09] I just don't like it.

[41:10] As someone with a small child, I would love to be able to say, here, watch this.

[41:15] I'm going to go rest my eyes for a little bit.

[41:17] And I did do that this weekend.

Stuart Wellington

[41:18] For some people, it's walking through a field of wheat and run your hands through it.

[41:22] For other people, it's resting your eyes while a kid watches dyno movies.

Dan McCoy

[41:26] Let's do a final judgment on this.

[41:28] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[41:32] Stuart, what do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] It's like the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] On one hand, I like all the jizzing.

[41:43] Whether it's our hero coming to terms with his jizzing abilities.

[41:47] Coming to terms.

[41:48] Yep.

[41:49] Or whether it's the sequences where the dudes with their tachyon powers just give all their

[41:57] extra tachyon powers and totally look like they're in a porno movie.

[42:01] I think that's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] So you were saying you would watch a super cut of those scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[42:07] Yeah, totally.

[42:09] But no, this is not a very good movie.

[42:11] Bad, bad.

Dan McCoy

[42:13] This movie is interesting in that it's like an interesting experiment in cutting a movie down

[42:21] to the barest minimum of thing that needs to be in it to be a movie.

[42:27] But that experiment almost relies on you having seen other movies beforehand to fill in those

[42:33] gaps for yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[42:35] That's kind of how I describe a lot of Zack Snyder movies.

[42:38] I feel like he makes logical leaps with his filmmaking where he is just like, ah, people

[42:44] have seen enough movies, they're going to know what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] But he's doing that so he can get to a super badass slow-mo fight in a men's bathroom.

Stuart Wellington

[42:51] But I would prefer it to be a slow-mo fight between a dude just coming super hard and Andy

[42:58] Garcia.

[42:59] Out of his chest.

Dan McCoy

[43:00] Yeah.

[43:00] Into Andy Garcia.

[43:01] Rather than Andy Garcia and the other guy just sort of squinting at each other really hard.

[43:06] Not interested.

[43:08] Yeah, this movie moved fast enough that I didn't hate it.

[43:11] But it's a bad, bad movie at heart.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] I feel like I can't even grade it because it barely exists as a movie.

[43:18] It's like it is so basic and so generic that it doesn't reach the level that I want to

[43:24] even deign to call it bad.

Stuart Wellington

[43:26] I mean, according to Rotten Tomatoes, it's 0%.

[43:28] That means it doesn't exist, right?

[43:30] Yeah, scientifically.

Elliott Kalan

[43:32] There's an MSG3K episode called The Screaming Skull where a lot of the movie is just this

[43:37] woman wandering around a house, not in a good House of the Devil way.

[43:41] And someone refers to, one of the bots I think makes a joke about, this is what happens when

[43:46] you have five minutes of movie and then you put an hour and a half of packing peanuts in

[43:50] to fill it up.

[43:51] And that's what this movie feels like.

[43:53] It feels like you had a few of the basic ingredients for a movie and you're like, I'll just put in

[43:59] movie filler.

[44:00] I'll just fill in the rest with sawdust.

[44:02] That's this movie.

Dan McCoy

[44:05] A stirring rebuke to Max Steel.

Elliott Kalan

[44:10] Deal with it, Max Steel.

[44:12] But we should move on.

[44:14] That being said, it was screenwritten by a comic book writer whose series Scarlet Spider I enjoyed.

[44:21] All right.

[44:21] So there's that.

[44:22] Sure.

S4

[44:29] We've been accused of so many things over the course of making The Greatest Generation,

[44:33] the Star Trek podcast, that we're a little bit embarrassed to be making.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] The embarrassment lies squarely on us and you can listen anonymously and safely.

S4

[44:42] Would you like to meet up for some anonymous podcast listening?

Dan McCoy

[44:45] This is a podcast you definitely won't want your parents to find on your phone when you pass

[44:50] away suddenly.

[44:52] Discovered by an innocent hotel maid.

S4

[44:55] They'll make up something else at your funeral.

[44:57] Something more tasteful, like you were listening to Bullseye.

Dan McCoy

[45:00] We, of course, have permanently shamed ourselves by making this podcast and putting our real names

[45:05] on it.

[45:06] But you don't have to.

S4

[45:07] It's a regret we feel several times a week.

Dan McCoy

[45:10] Subscribe and delete The Greatest Generation, a Star Trek podcast.

[45:14] Yes, we are actually making a Star Trek podcast.

S4

[45:18] We should submit that one.

Dan McCoy

[45:23] Big news in the world of MaxFun.

[45:26] The MaxFun drive is coming up and we are working hard on some of the best episodes of the year.

[45:33] And when I say we, not just us, everyone at MaxFun is putting it in the comments.

[45:37] We have to gather some of the top episodes of the year.

[45:40] I didn't even guess that they're working harder than us.

[45:42] No.

[45:42] I mean, we've got a trick or two up our sleeve, but I wouldn't argue with that.

[45:50] Stuart seems like he has something to say.

Stuart Wellington

[45:51] I mean, you might want to say that we, like, one of the things that we're doing, because

[45:56] some people don't, like, shit their pants when it happens.

[46:00] Oh, yeah.

[46:01] Because that's what happens with people.

[46:03] We're going to be doing an extra episode.

[46:05] We're putting out an extra episode, people.

Dan McCoy

[46:07] What?

[46:09] That's extra work on our part.

[46:11] It is actually extra work.

[46:12] What?

Stuart Wellington

[46:16] Because being part of the MaxFun is, at least, I'm going to speak for myself and I think the

[46:23] guys will back me up.

[46:23] Nope.

[46:24] Being part of the Maximum Fun Network is a big deal for us.

[46:28] It feels like a great community.

[46:29] They're really supportive of us and they make it easy for us to be supported by our listeners.

[46:36] So if we can try and do a little bit of extra stuff for you guys, I think it's awesome.

[46:45] And I think it's...

[46:46] And so I thought this was a great opportunity to do another extra special episode.

Dan McCoy

[46:51] Yeah.

[46:51] The drive actually starts a couple days after this drops.

[46:55] It starts on Monday.

[46:58] And tune in during the drive.

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] Whereas we're going to call it Fun Day for MaxFun.

[47:02] Sure.

[47:02] Why not?

[47:03] Where are you going to call it that?

[47:04] All over the place.

[47:06] At the DMV.

[47:07] Denny's nationwide.

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] At the place you're buying soup from.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] At the community pool.

[47:12] Uh-huh.

[47:13] Yeah.

[47:13] Down at the docks.

[47:14] When I do my show at the VFW hall.

Dan McCoy

[47:17] Over at the wine tasting.

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] I'm going to climb to the top of Liberty's Torch.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] Yeah.

[47:24] And just shout it to the heavens.

[47:26] Tune in during the drive to catch these extra awesome episodes and hear about the exclusive

[47:30] thank you gifts we have in store for new and upgrading members.

[47:35] They're amazing stuff.

[47:36] Plus, this will be your chance to show your support for the Flophouse and help MaxFun

[47:42] reach its highest goal ever, which is 10,000 new and upgrading MaxFun members.

Elliott Kalan

[47:47] You can do it.

[47:48] Talk up MaxFun to the people who love it.

[47:50] And if you listen to us and you're not a MaxFun donor, hey, consider being a MaxFun donor.

[47:54] You're helping keep us in business.

Dan McCoy

[47:58] So the drive kicks off on March the 20th.

[48:00] And runs for two weeks.

[48:02] Visit MaxFun.org for details.

[48:05] And don't miss it.

[48:06] And also, there's a MaxFun meetup day.

[48:09] Let's mention that quickly.

Stuart Wellington

[48:11] Yeah.

[48:12] The March 28th is the official MaxFun meetup day.

[48:16] So look in your local area.

[48:18] Check on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[48:22] MaximumFun.org slash meetups2017.

Stuart Wellington

[48:25] And specifically in Brooklyn, if you come down to Hinterlands, that's the bar that I own.

[48:32] I'm going to be there.

[48:34] There's going to be a couple other MaxFun personalities, including, I think, you two guys.

[48:41] I can't promise anything.

Dan McCoy

[48:43] I'm going to be there.

[48:44] I don't know about Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[48:45] What day of the week is it?

[48:46] It's a Tuesday night.

[48:48] I just said it and I said the date.

[48:50] Elliot's like Mr. Mix-a-Pitlick.

Dan McCoy

[48:52] He may show up.

[48:53] He might not.

Elliott Kalan

[48:54] But he's a crazy little limp.

[48:55] That's not really a great way to describe Mr. Mix-a-Pitlick.

Stuart Wellington

[48:58] Well, what we're going to do is we're going to leave the door open and we're going to leave a seat free for Elliot.

[49:03] Like Elijah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] Thank you.

[49:05] And a glass of wine, which I will not drink.

[49:07] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] A glass of Guinness that Elliot might drink.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] Oh, that I'll probably drink.

[49:12] And there's a-

[49:14] My presence?

[49:15] Possible.

Stuart Wellington

[49:16] And I think a couple other local, and by local I mean New York-based MaxFun podcasters, told me they may come by.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] Wow.

[49:27] It's been a lot of commitments coming out of these two.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] But the most exciting thing is-

[49:30] I'll be there.

[49:31] Well, you'll meet Dan.

[49:33] He's got lots of time.

[49:33] And the most exciting thing is you'll be able to make other friends in the MaxFun community.

[49:39] Because MaxFun is not just about listening to stuff and then shutting yourself off from the rest of the world.

[49:44] It's about connecting, communicating, and con-livelizing.

[49:49] That means living together.

Stuart Wellington

[49:50] Oh, that's nice.

[49:51] And one of the nice things about My Bar Hinterlands is I think it's the only bar where you can have a MaxFun podcaster cook your sandwich for you.

Elliott Kalan

[49:59] I think that until John Hodgman opens up his sandwich restaurant, yes.

[50:05] I mean, he's going to be working the grill on that Tuesday.

[50:09] Then I would definitely stop by.

[50:10] If he was working the grill like an old-time diner cook, and he had like a half apron and an undershirt.

[50:15] It would drive me crazy.

[50:16] And then you're like, add them and eggs on a raft and wreck them.

Stuart Wellington

[50:21] I can only imagine being his boss and just being like, oh, John, you're talking too much.

Dan McCoy

[50:26] You've got to cook.

[50:27] Is that a hair nut?

[50:28] You're bullying the customers.

[50:31] Stop judging their orders.

[50:34] Before we move on, one last sort of podcast-related piece of business, and that is our comic book is still available.

[50:43] Oh, great.

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] It has yet to be yanked from the digital shelves and put in the Flophouse vault for a new generation of fans.

Dan McCoy

[50:50] If you go to www.flophousepodcast.com, you have the chance to get our comic that—

Elliott Kalan

[50:59] It's the first of what's going to be a series of Flophouse stories.

[51:02] Yes.

[51:02] This first one was written by Daniel K. McCoy.

[51:04] Correct.

[51:05] The theme for these first stories is horror.

[51:09] And so—

[51:10] So it gives us a chance to exercise our Tales from the Crypt muscles.

[51:14] Uh-huh.

[51:15] And Dan's is out first, art by the amazing Roger Langridge.

[51:20] And Stuart's is up next, and then mine will be third.

[51:23] And each one, you can pay anything you want from a dollar on up.

[51:27] All the money goes to the ACLU.

[51:30] All the money after costs are covered, which they already have been.

[51:33] They have been.

Dan McCoy

[51:33] And so all the additional money from now on is definitely going to the ACLU.

Elliott Kalan

[51:37] Most of the money that was already—has already been given to us is going straight to the ACLU,

[51:41] and everything from this point on is going to the ACLU to support their work in keeping America free and legal.

[51:49] Mm-hmm.

[51:50] Their job is to uphold the Bill of Rights.

[51:55] Well, their job is to go to court to get the Bill of Rights upheld.

[52:00] Sure.

[52:01] I mean, it's not—they don't have the power to do it themselves, so they bring lawsuits to the courts.

Dan McCoy

[52:06] I'm just saying that, you know, like, I think that anyone on—honestly on any part of the political spectrum should be a supporter of the ACLU,

[52:16] if you believe in the rights that are put down.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] If you believe in the fundamental rights of the United States of America.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] I did date a woman who worked for fundraising for the ACLU for a lot of years,

[52:28] and she had to deal with a lot of phone calls from people telling her she worked for Satan.

[52:33] Wow.

[52:34] So, that's a funny line of conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[52:37] Anyway.

[52:37] Well, if you don't think that they're Satan, or if you do and you like Satan, go ahead and read the exciting story—what's it called?

[52:43] Cosmic Bowl?

Dan McCoy

[52:44] Cosmic Bowl is the name of the first name.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] It's written by Dan McCoy, and all that money goes to a good cause, and there'll be more stories coming out, so—

[52:52] That hopefully won't be too much of a disappointment after Dan's great little story.

[52:56] Dan's is really good.

[52:57] Stuart's story is a lot of fun, and mine might go too far, so let's see.

Dan McCoy

[53:02] So, if you want to see it, then you've got to keep ponying up that cash.

Elliott Kalan

[53:06] And hopefully the idea is, if this does well enough, that we can really, you know, take it—like, give a lot of good money.

[53:12] Give us an excuse to keep getting to do more of this.

[53:14] Yeah.

[53:14] We'll pick another theme, and then we'll all do those.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:18] But, Stuart, I think you have our first actual sponsor of the evening.

Stuart Wellington

[53:23] You can tell I am shifting back and forth in my seat, because I can't wait to talk about this.

[53:28] Hey, Dan, are you hiring?

[53:30] I mean, not currently.

[53:32] Shut up.

[53:33] Okay.

[53:34] Do you know where to post that job you were talking about to find the best candidate?

[53:39] What website you should post on?

[53:41] No, I don't know that at all.

[53:42] You know, Dan—

[53:43] Okay.

[53:45] Posting your job in only one place, that's not enough to find a great candidate.

Dan McCoy

[53:49] But I'm lazy.

[53:50] I just want to post it in one place.

Stuart Wellington

[53:52] Calm down, Dan.

[53:54] If you want to find the perfect person, you need to post your job on all the top job sites.

[54:02] And you know what, Dan?

[54:03] What?

[54:04] Cut it out.

[54:05] Dan, now you can.

[54:08] I can?

[54:09] Yes.

[54:10] You can post your job on all the top job sites using ZipRecruiter.

Dan McCoy

[54:15] Oh, but my clicking finger.

[54:16] I probably have—that'll hurt my clicking finger.

Stuart Wellington

[54:18] Oh, no, Dan.

[54:19] You've been complaining about this finger forever.

[54:22] Now, you can post this job on 200-plus job sites, including social media networks like your favorites, Dan.

[54:29] Like Facebook and the Twitters?

Dan McCoy

[54:32] Yep.

[54:33] Twitter's.

Elliott Kalan

[54:34] Those are the laziest parody versions of those two websites.

[54:37] Yeah.

[54:37] Twitter's.

[54:37] Yeah.

[54:38] Sounds like someplace people in the Midwest would go on vacation nearby.

[54:44] Oh, we're going up to the Twitters.

Stuart Wellington

[54:46] Boys, and you can do that all with just a single click.

[54:50] So that clicking finger, just one single click.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] How is that possible?

Stuart Wellington

[54:56] I don't know the technology of it.

[54:58] I don't know the technology of it.

[54:59] I'm just kind of like a mouthpiece slash spokesperson.

[55:02] All you had to say was it's possible because of ZipRecruiter.

[55:05] Yeah.

[55:05] So if you need to find people in any city or industry nationwide, you can just post lunch.

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] Post lunch.

[55:13] Yeah, sure.

[55:14] It's like lunch without the L, which is the worst part of lunch.

Stuart Wellington

[55:19] Because L stands for loser.

[55:20] So lose that and you got a delicious lunch.

[55:22] I'm talking to Doug in the booth.

[55:24] Can you just pause that and rewind it?

[55:26] We'll do it another time.

[55:27] Thanks, Doug.

[55:28] Doug Jones, everyone.

[55:30] Wow.

[55:30] Really?

[55:31] Noted prosthetic actor, Doug Jones.

[55:34] Mocap actor?

[55:35] Yeah.

[55:36] Doug Jones?

[55:37] So you can just post lunch.

[55:39] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[55:41] Hey, guys.

[55:42] Has this ever happened to you?

[55:44] You want to have a delicious lunch, but you only have lunch.

[55:47] It's time to lose the L and get unchified with new craft unch.

[55:54] It's the only unch that comes pre-DL'd, so you don't end up with a lame lunch.

[55:59] Hey, everybody.

[56:00] It's time for your unch break.

[56:02] Okay.

[56:03] Hey, the unch back of Notre Dame called.

[56:06] He carries unch around on his back so you can buy it to eat in the middle of the day.

Stuart Wellington

[56:12] Doug?

[56:13] Yeah.

[56:13] Okay.

[56:13] Just I'll do it again.

[56:14] Okay.

[56:15] And right now our listeners.

[56:16] The ghost of Douglas Adams.

Dan McCoy

[56:18] Okay.

[56:19] Don't make me sad.

[56:19] Doug?

Stuart Wellington

[56:20] Okay.

[56:20] I'll start over.

[56:21] And right now our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free.

[56:25] That's you, the listeners, for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[56:31] So how many times do we have to click?

[56:33] Just once.

[56:34] Okay.

[56:35] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[56:38] One more time to try it for free.

[56:41] Go to ZipRecruiter slash what was that, Dan?

[56:47] Dot com slash first.

[56:48] Yes.

[56:49] Perfect.

[56:50] Okay.

[56:51] I nailed that one.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:52] Thanks, Doug.

[56:54] Where I Live's Dougie Doug, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[56:56] Our show tonight, or whenever you're listening to this, is also sponsored in part by Blue Apron.

[57:02] Not all ingredients are created equal.

[57:04] Fresh, high-quality ingredients make a real difference.

[57:07] So it's important to know where your food comes from.

[57:11] Now, Blue Apron is affordable.

[57:13] For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[57:23] You get the ingredients in the mail from Blue Apron, and then you've got to zing them up.

[57:29] You don't have to zing them up.

Elliott Kalan

[57:31] You just put them together.

[57:32] You put them together.

[57:32] All the zing comes portioned out for you already.

Dan McCoy

[57:35] You put them together, and you zing them up.

[57:37] You don't have to zing them up.

Elliott Kalan

[57:38] It comes zinged.

Dan McCoy

[57:39] A delicious meal.

Elliott Kalan

[57:41] Look, you guys, how has this ever happened to you?

[57:43] You're hungry.

[57:44] Probably not.

[57:45] Go on.

[57:45] You're hungry, and you don't have any food, and you get a case of Blue Apron.

[57:49] All right.

[57:49] That's when you're really hungry, and you really want it, and you're waiting for it.

[57:52] Maybe you even saw a bunch of things about food on TV, so you're really in the mood for food.

[57:56] Yeah, you're watching the Great British Bake Off, and you're like, why did I do this to myself?

[57:59] There's no food, so you get a case of Blue Apron.

[58:01] It happens.

[58:02] It's real.

[58:03] Anyway, you don't have to worry about that if you get Blue Apron deliveries, because the food is literally coming straight to your door.

Dan McCoy

[58:09] Yeah.

[58:10] It's in your house.

[58:11] Here's some upcoming meals.

[58:12] You got your salmon piccata with orzo and broccoli.

[58:16] Yum.

[58:16] Pork chops and miso butter with bok choy and marinated apple.

[58:20] That sounds great.

[58:21] Except for the apple part.

[58:21] Vegetable chili with baked sweet potatoes and crispy tortilla strips.

[58:27] Spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice.

[58:30] Listen, you want this food.

[58:32] I know it.

[58:33] So you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[58:42] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[58:46] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

Stuart Wellington

[58:48] Build it, beautiful.

[58:50] No.

[58:51] Incorrect.

Dan McCoy

[58:52] Wrong slogan.

[58:54] But now, before we move on, I think we have a couple of jumbotrons, too.

[59:00] Stuart, since Elliot's on his phone, I think that that means that you should read your jumbotron.

[59:05] Coming down the pipe.

[59:06] Sorry.

[59:07] Family issue came up.

Stuart Wellington

[59:07] Five by five.

[59:08] We got a j-j-jumbotron.

[59:11] This message is for Tall Tom.

[59:13] The message is from J-Dawg.

[59:16] Hey, dude.

[59:17] Can you believe I'm paying 100 bucks to talk to you through the original peaches?

[59:22] I've been drinking white boxed wine and am trying to do this via my phone.

[59:27] I have to write everything into a tiny text box.

[59:31] Sad.

[59:32] Happy birthday.

[59:34] How old are you?

[59:36] Hi.

[59:36] I'm Stuart Wellington and I eat boogers.

[59:39] Wow.

[59:40] No, I'm kidding.

[59:42] I love you guys and hope you never stop podding.

[59:46] Well, I do appreciate how almost every time when the word U is in there, they replaced it with the letter U, but not every single time.

[59:56] So, excellent job, J-Dawg.

[59:58] Yeah.

[59:59] And Tall Tom, happy birthday, bud.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:01] And that confession in the middle where you admit that you eat boogers.

[1:00:05] The thing is, they got to go somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:09] They're just taking up room in my nose and they're not paying rent.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:11] Hey, why not just move them a little bit farther down?

[1:00:13] Yeah.

[1:00:14] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:00:14] Just recycling.

[1:00:15] It's a type of recycling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] Yeah, you know, it's kind of like, have you ever read Dune?

[1:00:20] I think, Dan, you just got done reading it.

[1:00:22] I was just reading Dune.

[1:00:23] You loved it, right?

[1:00:23] It's similar to how, like, the Fremen take shits and pisses in their little outfits.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] I mean, I don't think that was how they described it.

[1:00:32] They never say little outfits.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:35] Their little outfits take all that garbage and they turn in delicious water to drink.

[1:00:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:41] I don't think Frank Herbert was like, there was a bunch of shits and pisses and the Fremen just soaked him up again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:47] Because he was writing in old-timey language and I'm writing in modern-day English.

[1:00:51] New-time.

[1:00:52] Yeah.

[1:00:52] Slang terms.

[1:00:53] Yeah, elite speak.

[1:00:54] Yeah.

[1:00:54] So, what I'm just trying to say is, you know, maybe give boogers a chance.

[1:01:02] Okay.

[1:01:03] This is a terrible episode.

[1:01:03] This is a gross episode.

[1:01:05] It's all about eating poop and boogers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:07] How about I read this other Jumbotron, shall we?

[1:01:09] Sure.

[1:01:10] This is a message for John and in parentheses, a-thin.

[1:01:13] Who is this message from?

[1:01:14] Valerie, parentheses, from Montreal.

[1:01:16] And here's the message.

[1:01:18] What better way to wish you a happy birthday than on your favorite podcast?

[1:01:22] You make my days so much more fun and my life so much more meaningful.

[1:01:25] You also introduced me to podcasts.

[1:01:27] Thanks to you, people in the metro and on the street, all think I'm a crazy person, hearing voices and laughing for no reason.

[1:01:34] I love you.

[1:01:35] Bon fat, kitty.

[1:01:36] Aw.

[1:01:37] That's very nice.

[1:01:38] To John from Valerie.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:39] Very sweet and very French.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:41] Yeah.

[1:01:41] Well, the last part especially.

[1:01:43] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:44] I mean-

[1:01:45] I'm glad you didn't make me read that.

[1:01:46] I would have pronounced it weird.

[1:01:48] Yeah.

[1:01:48] How would you pronounce it?

[1:01:49] I don't know.

[1:01:50] I don't have the letter in front of me.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:53] Bonnie-

[1:01:54] Bonnie-

[1:01:54] Fete.

[1:01:54] Bonnie-

[1:01:55] Fete, probably, yeah.

[1:01:58] So, we should move on.

[1:02:01] What's the next part of this podcast, Dan?

[1:02:02] The next part of this podcast is letters from listeners where we read letters that you, the listeners,

[1:02:09] have sent in to us and the first one goes a little something like this.

[1:02:16] I've gotten a cavalcade of shorter letters this time.

[1:02:22] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:23] Thanks for staring at me while you said that.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:26] Sure.

[1:02:28] The first letter goes like this.

[1:02:32] On a recent-

[1:02:33] I think Elliot's working on his screenplay on his phone over there.

[1:02:35] Yeah.

[1:02:36] On a recent episode, Stuart recommended the movie Session 9, a movie about asbestos workers that gets spooky.

[1:02:46] As someone who works in the trade, there's a scene in the movie that got found unintentionally hilarious.

[1:02:53] There's a moment where David Caruso looks at some stuff and remarks,

[1:02:57] Yep.

[1:02:58] That's 100% Crocodilite, pronounced like a crocodile version of Dolomite.

[1:03:04] There are several problems with this, not least of which being the correct pronunciation is Crocodilite.

[1:03:11] That's abatement 101 stuff.

[1:03:14] And these guys are supposed to be professionals.

[1:03:16] So it kind of took me out of it.

[1:03:18] Maybe that's like a nickname they had for it.

[1:03:20] Yeah.

[1:03:21] Go on.

[1:03:22] My question to you guys is, has there ever been a moment in a movie where you realized you knew more about some obscure thing than the writers did,

[1:03:29] and your suspension of disbelief came crashing down?

[1:03:34] That's from Aaron, last name withheld.

[1:03:38] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] Well, that happens to me a lot in movies that involve historical facts in some way.

[1:03:46] But where it hit me a lot when I was a kid is when it would be a movie about dinosaurs.

[1:03:51] Like the aforementioned movies I would watch when my Grammy was taking a nap.

[1:03:54] Uh-huh.

[1:03:55] In which you'd just see things that were not true about dinosaurs, and I'd be like,

[1:03:58] but that's not how dinosaurs work.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:02] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:03] Like when you're watching the X-Men animated series, and you're like,

[1:04:05] but that's not how it happened in the comics.

[1:04:07] There was a little bit of that, too.

[1:04:08] I was like, the Days of Future Past didn't involve Bishop.

[1:04:12] But if it did.

[1:04:15] I mean, I've joked about how anytime there's a scene where a bartender,

[1:04:21] a bartender is working, and a character says, leave the bottle.

[1:04:26] And the bartender just is like, okay, and leaves a bottle of liquor on the bar.

[1:04:30] And you're like, that's crazy.

[1:04:31] What would you charge that person?

[1:04:36] So that always is weird.

[1:04:37] Or when, you know, anytime a person goes up to a bar and just orders a beer, you're like,

[1:04:42] what are you?

[1:04:44] I mean, there's a bunch on tap.

[1:04:46] It isn't like fucking 10 years ago when bars would have four beers on tap,

[1:04:51] and it'd be like Bud and Bud Light.

[1:04:53] I'm just saying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] I mean, you can't go into a bar and just say, I'll have one.

[1:04:58] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:00] One what?

[1:05:01] Like a pickled egg?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:04] Maybe.

[1:05:04] One bowl of pretzels?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:06] It's the old surprise me.

[1:05:07] I'm like, surprise me, bartender.

[1:05:08] All I know is I want one or something.

[1:05:10] Some loaded jalapeno poppers?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:13] Here's a fucking glass of chartreuse.

[1:05:17] Enjoy it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:18] I mean, that will get you super drunk, man.

[1:05:21] If it's a pint glass.

[1:05:23] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:24] Here.

[1:05:24] A pint glass of the most herbal drink.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:28] Yeah, that sounds good.

[1:05:29] You don't like the herbal stuff, though.

[1:05:30] I do.

[1:05:31] I just don't like Fernet.

[1:05:33] You don't like Fernet Branca?

[1:05:34] No.

[1:05:35] Do you like Chin-Ar?

[1:05:37] I don't even know what you're saying.

[1:05:38] I don't know what these things are.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:39] Chin-Ar is an artichoke liqueur.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] So it combines two things you like, liquor and artichokes.

[1:05:45] No, thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:48] Hey, how come there's no fried chicken liqueur?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:51] I guarantee you there is some kind of fried chicken flavored something or other.

[1:05:56] I'm sure there's already like bacon flavored garbage that you can drink.

[1:06:00] If you're like, why bacon flavored garbage?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:03] I mean, that's a lot of garbage in America is bacon flavored.

[1:06:06] People eat and throw out a lot of bacon.

[1:06:08] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:09] Should we move on?

[1:06:14] I mean, you didn't answer.

[1:06:16] Oh.

[1:06:16] I don't have an answer.

[1:06:18] I just ask the questions.

[1:06:19] I'm like the watcher.

[1:06:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] I think that kind of checks out, right?

[1:06:25] Let's see.

[1:06:25] Lives alone on the moon.

[1:06:27] Yes.

[1:06:27] Check.

[1:06:28] Big bald head.

[1:06:29] Check.

[1:06:30] Dresses like kind of a Roman baby man.

[1:06:32] Check.

[1:06:33] Okay.

[1:06:33] Breaks his vow all the time.

[1:06:35] Check.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:36] Also, I just didn't have a good answer for this question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:40] So much like the watcher.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:42] This one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:43] If he's the watcher, would I be the guy from what the?

[1:06:45] The superhero guy who has a pot on his head?

[1:06:48] Forbush man?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:49] Yeah.

[1:06:49] Yes, sure.

[1:06:51] And you can be spider ham.

[1:06:52] Thank you.

[1:06:53] I would love that.

[1:06:54] Peter Porker, the spectacular spider ham.

[1:06:57] Definitely.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:58] This next letter is from Carl, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:01] You know, you reminded me of the spider ham story I wrote that was drawn but never published.

[1:07:05] That seems crazy.

[1:07:07] Here's a tale of Marvel books unpublished.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:10] Wind it out.

[1:07:11] Wind it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:11] There was a spider ham special that was being put out.

[1:07:14] Art by Dave McKean.

[1:07:16] Yeah.

[1:07:17] Dave McKean, all of the favorites.

[1:07:20] Bill Sienkiewicz, all the classic spider ham artists.

[1:07:23] Yep.

[1:07:25] Bill Dana, whatever his name is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:27] Bill Sienkiewicz seems to be like only doing art about conservative politicians he hates now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:34] I think there's a lot of artists doing that right now.

[1:07:37] So they were doing a spider ham special and I was asked, hey, would you like to write a spider ham story?

[1:07:41] I said, yes, I would.

[1:07:42] Very much so.

[1:07:43] And they said, I don't think it was my idea.

[1:07:46] I think they said, hey, would you want to do like a takeoff of Old Man Logan, which had just come out recently, called Old Man Spider Ham?

[1:07:53] And I was like, I would very much like to do that.

[1:07:55] And so it was an Old Man Spider Ham story where he's given up.

[1:07:59] He's like, I've retired from adventuring.

[1:08:01] You know what?

[1:08:02] Someone would have to try pretty hard to get me one last adventure.

[1:08:05] But it's clear he really wants to go back to adventuring.

[1:08:07] Yeah.

[1:08:07] And he leaves his house to go find someone to drag him back into adventuring.

[1:08:11] And I was told that it was decided by the higher ups that they might want to do more with the Old Man Logan character.

[1:08:16] And they did not want to get on the bad side of the creators of that character.

[1:08:20] They were going to shelve this story for now.

[1:08:22] And maybe someday it would see the light a day later.

[1:08:24] I was paid for it.

[1:08:25] It was drawn by Scotty Young.

[1:08:28] Oh, shit, dude.

[1:08:29] And it just never got printed anymore.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:32] I like the idea, though, that the creators of Old Man Logan would be reading a spectacular Spider Ham story and being like, what the fuck?

[1:08:41] This is not okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:43] And just throw it across the room.

[1:08:44] Drawn by award winner Scotty Young.

[1:08:47] And he did an amazing job.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:49] It looks great.

[1:08:50] That's fucking crazy.

[1:08:52] So nobody's seeing that any time.

[1:08:54] Ugh.

[1:08:55] But the.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:57] Well, maybe with the success of the movie Logan, that their interest in mining the Old Man Logan vein has gone down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:04] I mean, Old Man Logan is now a regular character in the Marvel Universe.

[1:09:07] He has his own series.

[1:09:09] They clearly did.

[1:09:09] And as it's been shown, if a character has his own series, you can't make fun of him.

[1:09:12] That's just the way it works.

[1:09:14] Unless it's Deadpool making fun of himself.

[1:09:16] Exactly.

[1:09:17] Deadpool showed up in this story, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:19] Wait, in the Spider Ham story?

[1:09:21] In the Spider Ham story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:21] In the end, it turned into a joke about how Deadpool's like, are you trying to do a comic book without Deadpool appearing in it?

[1:09:27] We can't have that right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:29] We've been talking a long time, and we haven't actually ever read the letter that this is attached to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:37] So keep going.

[1:09:38] Okay, so do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:39] This is from.

[1:09:43] Well, she's been around the world from something to somethingvania.

[1:09:47] And she's something, something up down.

[1:09:49] Where do you up, down, down the thing?

[1:09:51] Anyway.

[1:09:53] She went around to Belgium and then back to Tanzania.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:57] Tell me, where in the world is that lady who wears a hat?

[1:10:02] Well, her name is San Diego, so baby she's in San Diego.

[1:10:05] I mean, it could be Maria Bella.

[1:10:07] But it's a big city.

[1:10:08] So we'll need a little bit more time to look for Carmen Sandiego in San Diego.

[1:10:14] Where in San Diego is Carmen Sandiego.

[1:10:19] Well, we think we narrowed it down to the city in her name-o.

[1:10:24] We think she's in this place.

[1:10:25] We think she's in this place.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:25] That's called San Diego, too.

[1:10:28] It's a city in her name-o.

[1:10:31] That might be my favorite thing that's happening.

[1:10:32] We're on the track right now for Carmen Sandiego.

[1:10:35] Come along and join us.

[1:10:37] You can look for her, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:41] Where in San Diego is Carmen Sandiego?

[1:10:45] We checked around the convention center and over by the shore.

[1:10:51] All right.

[1:10:52] Anyway.

[1:10:53] Hi, Original Peaches.

[1:10:55] I think it's great that you're making the episodes longer.

[1:10:59] Uh-oh.

[1:11:00] How come you're making them longer?

[1:11:01] Best regards, Carl, last name with help.

[1:11:04] Well, because we have these San Diego songs that we have to get through.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:07] It's a weird kind of laziness that involves us doing less work of editing ourselves

[1:11:11] and to do more work of just blabbing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:14] You know, when you get really good at something,

[1:11:18] you assume everyone wants more of that thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:22] Was it Tom Brokaw?

[1:11:27] Yeah.

[1:11:28] Noonan?

[1:11:28] Hold on.

[1:11:30] Was it Tom Tom the Bakerstein?

[1:11:32] No.

[1:11:33] Sorry.

[1:11:34] Tom Jones.

[1:11:34] Was it Mark Twain?

[1:11:35] Tom Jones the book.

[1:11:36] Was it Mark Twain?

[1:11:38] I was thinking of Tom Sawyer.

[1:11:39] Was it Mark Twain who said the line about,

[1:11:42] I'm sorry that I wrote you such a long letter.

[1:11:44] I didn't have time to write you a shorter one.

[1:11:47] I don't know if it was him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:48] I think it was somebody else.

[1:11:50] But there's something to that.

[1:11:51] I think it might have been Tom Noonan.

[1:11:54] Possibly Winston Churchill, but I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:57] I'll look it up.

[1:11:58] There's a lot of truth in that.

[1:11:59] I'll look it up on my pocket computer.

[1:12:01] Where it takes more work to edit something down and be succinct.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:05] And, oh, it certainly is a skill to be able to make more funny jokes in a shorter period of time.

[1:12:14] Excellent.

[1:12:14] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:17] Elliot's looking it up.

[1:12:18] This attributes it to Pascal.

[1:12:21] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:22] Wait, from Rose's Rose?

[1:12:24] No.

[1:12:26] Nope.

[1:12:27] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:28] The child from Rose's Rose.

[1:12:33] From the mouths of babes come such wisdom.

[1:12:38] And Stuart's back.

[1:12:40] He went and got a beer.

[1:12:43] Moving on.

[1:12:44] In two recent episodes, this is from Sean LastnameWithheld, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:49] Oh, no.

[1:12:50] It's Sean Hayes.

[1:12:51] Goodreads quotes does attribute it to Mark Twain, but I don't think that's the case.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:55] A lot of things have been attributed to Mark Twain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:58] Like Huckleberry Finn, which he wrote.

[1:13:01] It was correctly attributed to him.

[1:13:03] Wow.

[1:13:05] Oh, you don't say.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:07] Sean LastnameWithheld says,

[1:13:09] In two recent episodes, number 220, The Trust, and 223, The Last Witch Hunter.

[1:13:16] Spanning several weeks.

[1:13:18] Dan makes a series of mouth noises that he plainly thinks is an imitation of saxophone music.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:24] Dan, do you remember what that sounds like?

[1:13:26] Yeah, like Baker Street.

[1:13:31] And what does this person have to say about that?

[1:13:33] Because it does not sound like a saxophone.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:35] Clearly, however, he's making trumpet sounds.

[1:13:37] Yes, that's what I would say.

[1:13:38] Or maybe trombone sounds.

[1:13:39] Point being, he is under no...

[1:13:42] That's a little bit like...

[1:13:42] He is under no circumstances sounding like a damn saxophone.

[1:13:48] How has this happened twice with neither Elliot nor Stuart calling bullshit on Dan's failure to imitate a saxophone?

[1:13:54] I'm genuinely flummoxed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] Yours, Sean.

[1:13:56] Here's, I think, the problem.

[1:13:58] I think the saxophone in Baker Street does not sound enough like a saxophone.

[1:14:01] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] And, you know, I stopped listening to morphine records quite a while ago, so I don't listen to saxophone sounds that often.

[1:14:10] Here's what I'll say.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:12] I would dare say that the saxophone is among the hardest instruments to accurately do a mouth sound of.

[1:14:19] Holy shit.

[1:14:20] I challenge you guys to do an accurate saxophone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:24] Hmm.

[1:14:25] Okay, let's try it.

[1:14:26] I never made the claim that I could.

[1:14:29] No, I know, but this is for Sean's benefit.

[1:14:31] Okay, Sean.

[1:14:32] Here's my...

[1:14:32] Okay, here's what a saxophone sounds like to me.

[1:14:34] Streaks on the China.

[1:14:36] Never been there before.

[1:14:37] Who cares?

[1:14:39] Drop kick your jacket as you came through the door.

[1:14:42] No one's there.

[1:14:43] Now, that's either a saxophone or the Mr. Belvedere theme.

[1:14:46] That was pretty good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:48] Let me...

[1:14:48] Okay, give me a second.

[1:14:51] That sounds like a trumpet, too.

[1:14:53] Okay, I'm almost ready.

[1:14:55] Ooh.

[1:14:55] Ah!

[1:14:58] Oh, wait.

[1:14:59] Okay.

[1:14:59] Is this a saxophone sound?

[1:15:00] Ah!

[1:15:04] Is that a saxophone sound?

[1:15:05] Yeah.

[1:15:06] I don't know.

[1:15:06] I think the first one was pretty close.

[1:15:08] What was that again?

[1:15:09] Streaks on the China.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] Yeah.

[1:15:10] Never been there before.

[1:15:11] I think that's it.

[1:15:12] Okay, what about this?

[1:15:13] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[1:15:16] Is that a saxophone?

[1:15:17] Hold on.

[1:15:17] I got it.

[1:15:18] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[1:15:22] Okay.

[1:15:23] The mics are probably picking that up.

[1:15:24] Yeah, okay.

[1:15:24] Here's a saxophone sound.

[1:15:26] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:28] Jazz.

[1:15:30] Sit, Ubu, sit.

[1:15:32] Good dog.

[1:15:32] Good saxophone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:34] We got some more time to kill.

[1:15:35] You guys got any more goofs?

[1:15:36] How about this?

[1:15:40] Oh, nope.

[1:15:41] Yeah, saxophone.

[1:15:42] Yep.

[1:15:43] That's a leaky faucet.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:46] You got any more saxophone noises, Stuart?

[1:15:48] Nope, we got more time to kill.

[1:15:50] I don't know the saxophone is to sound like this.

[1:15:52] Eeeh.

[1:15:55] How about this?

[1:15:59] That's gross.

[1:15:59] I don't like this.

[1:16:00] It's mainly for our benefit, I think.

[1:16:03] Well, thank you, Sean.

[1:16:04] Is this what a saxophone sounds like?

[1:16:06] Oh, yeah.

[1:16:08] Chika.

[1:16:09] Chika.

[1:16:10] Bomp.

[1:16:11] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:13] There's the part in that song, if you listen to the whole credits, there's the part where the guy goes,

[1:16:15] oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1:16:17] It's like Tarzan is falling off a cliff.

[1:16:19] Yep.

[1:16:20] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:24] This.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:24] Wow, wow, wow, wow, saxophone.

[1:16:28] This next letter is from Mark, last name withheld.

[1:16:31] Dear Flophouse, I stopped listening to you with the saxophone stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:35] I didn't even make it to Stuart's rendition of Jungle Boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:38] I was wondering if you had considered starting a Flophouse Cinematic Universe, parentheses FCU,

[1:16:45] given your growing stable of franchises such as Ziggy, The House Cat, Seven Pounds,

[1:16:51] and of course Rocket Crocodile and the Ding Dong from Castle Freak.

[1:16:54] And let's not forget Five Head.

[1:16:56] The FCU presents many questions.

[1:16:58] Would there be a Peaches Team film?

[1:17:00] Would the first film shoot Wallace Shawn to Robert Downey Jr. like stardom?

[1:17:05] And which movie does Stallone star?

[1:17:06] Would the Peaches appear in every film?

[1:17:09] If anything comes of this, I'll accept the standard $700,000 fee for one of your scripts.

[1:17:14] Keep flopping in the free world, Mark, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:17] Guys, I'm going to pitch.

[1:17:18] I think we're going to go with a surprise character, but I think this one's got legs, literally.

[1:17:25] I'm talking about the southern granny who just happens to love that tan-tan.

[1:17:31] Okay, perfect, great.

[1:17:33] Because it's a popular bit.

[1:17:36] Okay.

[1:17:36] And?

[1:17:38] And?

[1:17:38] Anything else to it?

[1:17:39] I think there's a whole world around this granny.

[1:17:42] In the post-credits sequence, I think the uh-oh kid will show up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:48] Now, the house cat is a character who just kind of gets hinted at in a lot of movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:52] Where the granny walks into...

[1:17:53] Let me finish.

[1:17:55] Okay.

[1:17:55] The granny walks into her parlor.

[1:17:57] This is Tintin.

[1:17:58] Slowly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:58] Slowly.

[1:17:59] Yep.

[1:17:59] She's got her arms full of Tintin books.

[1:18:03] Oh, she loves her haze work.

[1:18:05] The original French versions, not the American reprints.

[1:18:09] Okay.

[1:18:10] And she's super excited to get down to reading those shits.

[1:18:13] And she goes in and there's a kid with his back to her.

[1:18:18] And he says, I'd like to invite you to the Fluff House Initiative.

[1:18:22] And then says, uh-oh, really loud.

[1:18:24] And then the audience goes, no way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:27] Yeah.

[1:18:28] Yeah.

[1:18:29] Now, the house cat is clearly like the one they're building up to, right?

[1:18:33] He's hinted at.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:34] There's a bunch of house cat jewels that they have to get.

[1:18:37] That's the best thing to play again.

[1:18:37] Yeah, yeah.

[1:18:38] There's a lot of house cat Easter eggs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:39] Yeah.

[1:18:40] Like, uh, let me just try on the sunglasses of this backwards hat.

[1:18:44] And people are like, that's what the house cat wears.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:47] Mm-hmm.

[1:18:47] In certain scenes in some of the movies, there will just be a skateboard skating through the background

[1:18:51] of the scene.

[1:18:52] And you're like, wait a minute.

[1:18:54] Uh-oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:54] And now, because it's a cinematic universe, as we all know, each movie has to end with

[1:18:59] some sort of blue energy portal that needs to be closed so that energy isn't sucked out

[1:19:04] of it or doesn't come out of it into our world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:06] Now, if possible, a large chunk of the movie needs to be dedicated to our heroes kind of

[1:19:10] discovering their powers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:12] Oh, nothing better than that.

[1:19:13] Everyone needs to have a scene where a character does something cool and then looks at their

[1:19:17] hands like, did I do that?

[1:19:19] Especially when Urkel shows up.

[1:19:21] He's going to say it.

[1:19:23] I was talking to you guys before we were recording about how in the Marvel movies, that really

[1:19:27] bothers me that I have to keep watching characters going through the same arc of discovering their

[1:19:31] powers.

[1:19:32] And they always do the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:33] It's like you're trapped in some kind of fucking, like, Camus-style loop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:38] I was going to say Groundhog Day, but yeah, similar.

[1:19:40] And they look at their hands and go like, oh.

[1:19:42] I think Sark is more appropriate.

[1:19:44] And yeah, yeah, I think you're right.

[1:19:46] But if Urkel was in those movies, I would want him to do that every single scene.

[1:19:50] Look at his hands and go, did I do that?

[1:19:53] And he's essentially Tony Stark.

[1:19:55] He makes a robot.

[1:19:56] He loves cheese.

[1:19:59] Much like Tony Stark famously loves cheese.

[1:20:02] He can't get enough.

[1:20:04] That's why he originally was going to be Iron Mouse.

[1:20:09] The cheese-powered armored superhero.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:13] Is that?

[1:20:14] So wait.

[1:20:14] In the Spider-Ham universe, is the animal version of Iron Man, is he a mouse?

[1:20:21] I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] I can't remember.

[1:20:22] There's Cat in America, who's a cat.

[1:20:25] And I think Daredevil's a moose or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:28] Did they ever do a crossover with the Darkwing Duck universe?

[1:20:31] They did not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:32] That's lame.

[1:20:33] It is lame.

[1:20:34] But maybe someday, hey, people love these intercompany crossovers.

[1:20:37] You got Superman fighting the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

[1:20:40] You got the Peanuts characters meeting He-Man.

[1:20:43] You've got Little Annie Fanny meeting the Snorks.

[1:20:46] People love these crossovers.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:48] In my version of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Flophouse Cinematic Universe, now you

[1:20:54] got, of course, Kurt Russell is going to turn out to be Star-Lord's dad in the upcoming

[1:21:00] Guardians of the Galaxy.

[1:21:01] Yep.

[1:21:01] Spoiler alert.

[1:21:03] In the upcoming Flophouse Universe movie, of course, the house cat's dad will turn out

[1:21:09] to be Seabiscuit, the world's most popular horse.

[1:21:12] What?

[1:21:12] It's me, Seabiscuit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:13] Got to go out to get some cigarettes and I'll never be back.

[1:21:17] See ya.

[1:21:17] But who's playing Seabiscuit?

[1:21:19] What big star?

[1:21:20] That you were like, I never thought they'd be in a superhero movie.

[1:21:23] I mean, I think based on the voice, Don Knotts is playing Seabiscuit.

[1:21:26] Okay, great.

[1:21:27] The late Don Knotts.

[1:21:27] The late, the ghost of Don Knotts.

[1:21:29] Okay.

[1:21:30] Now, he's the ghost and someone else is Mr. Chicken.

[1:21:33] I don't know.

[1:21:33] Maybe ILM's going to jump in there and handle that shit for us.

[1:21:37] I guess they could make it happen.

[1:21:38] The ghost of Mr. Chicken 2.

[1:21:39] Now he's the ghost.

[1:21:41] Oh, you just called it the ghost of Mr. Chicken.

[1:21:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:45] We got one last letter that I want to read.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:48] No, write it.

[1:21:49] I'll write it too.

[1:21:50] I don't care.

[1:21:51] I don't fucking care anymore.

[1:21:53] Dear Flophouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me.

[1:21:56] There I was sitting with my two best friends when all of a sudden I noticed...

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:59] The wiener totally popped out and I started shooting blue energy out of my hands.

[1:22:04] The end.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:07] This is from Elvis, last name withheld.

[1:22:09] Presley.

[1:22:10] Who writes, I'm new to the Flophouse and I've been going through the back catalog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:14] By the way, I would love like a series of penthouse correspondence where a guy writes a letter

[1:22:19] and then they have to write back and be like, no, you were a little too brief.

[1:22:23] Can you explain a little more what was going on?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:26] Why was the naked lady in the library?

[1:22:28] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:29] You mentioned that you had sex with this person.

[1:22:32] Could you kind of describe that sex a little bit?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:35] Were you in a...

[1:22:35] You didn't notice that mentioned the location.

[1:22:37] Were you in a place where it would be strange to have sex or perhaps arousing?

[1:22:42] Now, you didn't really describe the woman.

[1:22:45] Was she beautiful?

[1:22:47] Sexy?

[1:22:48] Now, what were her measurements?

[1:22:49] The more words you can use to create a verbal portrait would really help us in selling this

[1:22:54] to the readers.

[1:22:55] This is the letters from the editor back to the letter writer as he workshops his letter

[1:22:58] before publication.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:59] It has letters to the editor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:01] Now, when you describe it from the editor.

[1:23:03] Dear sirs, I took issue with your most recent pictorial.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:07] When you describe your weenus, can you suggest that it might be surprisingly large?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:14] Actually, I read a book about pornography a while back, or about the four big porn magazines.

[1:23:19] And it mentioned that for a time, Bob Guccione, the publisher of Penthouse, was really convinced

[1:23:24] that golden showers were the future of sexual entertainment.

[1:23:28] And it was only a matter of time before this became the mainstream way that couples express

[1:23:33] their sexuality.

[1:23:33] You said stream, and I think that's appropriate.

[1:23:37] And the staff had to convince him that this was not the case to stop doing these features.

[1:23:43] But I imagine they got quite a few letters to the editor at the time.

[1:23:47] Dear sirs, I have long been enjoyed your product and proudly displayed it on my coffee table

[1:23:52] when I had family or friends over to visit.

[1:23:54] But recently, I found that the magazine has taken a urinary turn that I do not find appropriate.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:59] I have enjoyed your pictorials of women who appear to be examining their own genitals, perhaps

[1:24:04] for some disease or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:07] But this urinary...

[1:24:08] As an airbrushing enthusiast, I've put up with the fact that you've used naked women to demonstrate

[1:24:13] today's hottest airbrushing techniques.

[1:24:16] And yet now I find you have gone too far.

[1:24:19] What happened to the days when I only had to worry about, say, frontal nudity when perusing

[1:24:24] the latest tips and tricks from professional airbrushers?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:27] I remember in college buying a penthouse from Hastings Entertainment Store and being surprised

[1:24:34] at the amount of urine play being featured in the magazine.

[1:24:38] Now you know.

[1:24:39] Wow.

[1:24:39] That's why that elderly cashier looked at me weird.

[1:24:43] It wasn't because of my KMFDM t-shirt.

[1:24:47] Because of my choice of entertainment, which was Penthouse Magazine.

[1:24:52] Well...

[1:24:52] Weird to describe this entertainment.

[1:24:53] And a DVD copy of Donnie Darko.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:57] I'll take this DVD copy of Donnie Darko and this golden shower penthouse.

[1:25:01] I have a strange series of fetishes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:03] I mean regular shower penthouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:09] Elvis writes, I'm new to the Flophouse and I've been going through the back catalog.

[1:25:14] I love experiencing small-vembers and shock-tobers of the past and wanted to suggest a new holiday

[1:25:20] month in November called Stuart Timber.

[1:25:24] I would say it Stu-art Timber and it would have about three episodes for the month and feature

[1:25:31] Castle Freak, Head of the Family, and The Invisible Maniac.

[1:25:34] Two of you are probably thinking, wait, that's great for one Stuart Timber, but what about

[1:25:39] next year?

[1:25:41] Well, the thing about Stuart Timber is that he kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

[1:25:45] Elvis' last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:47] He makes a good point.

[1:25:50] He answers exactly the question you had, which is, that would be good for one Stuart Timber.

[1:25:56] Does he?

[1:25:58] Now, I know that Dan listens to my recommendations pretty carefully and acts on them.

[1:26:05] Elliot, have you seen Invisible Maniac?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:09] Oh yeah, I saw it.

[1:26:10] I remember you showed me that it was on YouTube and I watched the whole thing.

[1:26:12] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:13] Have you seen Castle Freak?

[1:26:15] I saw it in a theater when you were hosting it.

[1:26:17] Okay, and I drove you to that screening.

[1:26:20] Yeah.

[1:26:20] So it would have been pretty rude of me not to attend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:24] Have you seen The Granny?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:25] I still have not seen The Granny nor Head of the Family.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:29] What were you about to say about The Granny?

[1:26:31] The Granny really took over from Head of the Family.

[1:26:33] I think it was funny to see The Granny.

[1:26:34] It snuck in there, right?

[1:26:35] Yeah, and overtook it.

[1:26:36] It used to be...

[1:26:37] Kind of.

[1:26:37] I mean, Head of the Family's great.

[1:26:40] It's hard to say that the movies that I watch are only three movies when they should be only

[1:26:46] four movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:47] I mean, Night of the Demons was coming in close for a while, but I think The Granny overtook

[1:26:50] it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:51] Yeah, Night of the Demons.

[1:26:52] That's more like when I want to show off how arty I am, that I'm into more heady cinema,

[1:26:59] cerebral stuff.

[1:27:00] Hey, Dan, what's the next part of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:02] Okay, Elliot needs to go home, apparently.

[1:27:04] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:06] I've been a little out it for the second half of this, as happens sometimes when we're recording.

[1:27:10] Something has happened in my personal life that I've been notified of via text during

[1:27:14] the recording, and it has distracted me.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:16] Sorry about that.

[1:27:17] The last part of the podcast is where we...

[1:27:20] I don't know why you're apologizing for Elliot.

[1:27:21] I don't...

[1:27:22] I...

[1:27:22] I thought he was apologizing to me.

[1:27:24] Okay.

[1:27:25] Uh, nah.

[1:27:28] The last part of the podcast is where we recommend movies that we actually liked that you could

[1:27:33] watch instead of wasting your time on Max Steel.

[1:27:37] Stuart, do you have something?

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:39] I do.

[1:27:40] I guess this is going to be...

[1:27:41] Let's call this a controversial recommendation.

[1:27:45] I'm going to recommend the 2016 movie from Nicholas Wendig Refn.

[1:27:52] The Neon Demon.

[1:27:55] Uh, now, if you are...

[1:27:58] I mean, this dude's made a shitload of movies.

[1:28:00] Yeah, sure.

[1:28:01] Um, if you are kind of in the market for one of his movies, you've probably already seen

[1:28:06] this one and decide whether or not this is for you or not.

[1:28:08] Um, this is not a movie...

[1:28:10] Similar to Only God Forgives, this is not a movie that I would recommend to just any Joe

[1:28:14] on the street.

[1:28:15] This is something that...

[1:28:17] Uh, this is a movie that is, let's say, light on plot.

[1:28:21] You could probably write the entire script on a, uh, on an index card.

[1:28:27] Um, and the...

[1:28:30] If you try and look at the story on some, on some kind of a...

[1:28:34] As a metaphor, it's pretty straightforward and pretty thin.

[1:28:39] But, uh...

[1:28:41] Thin on story.

[1:28:42] Rave.

[1:28:42] Stuart Wellington.

[1:28:44] I mean, this is a movie that's kind of a weird recommendation, but it's a movie that, like,

[1:28:48] similar to Only God Forgives, I left it, you know, in...

[1:28:54] I guess enjoying it and definitely liking how beautiful the movie is.

[1:28:58] I like the music.

[1:29:00] I like how strange the movie kind of leaves you with no sense of, like...

[1:29:05] It never gives you anything that you can really feel grounded with.

[1:29:08] Uh, you get some strange performances from Keanu Reeves and others.

[1:29:14] Uh, and it's pretty gory and has a really crazy ending.

[1:29:18] So, The Neon Demon, why not?

[1:29:23] Very vague recommendation.

[1:29:24] I watch it.

[1:29:25] I watch it the same night as I watched Academy Award nominee Fences, which is, like, the exact

[1:29:32] opposite movie.

[1:29:34] Uh, whereas, uh, The Neon Demon featured almost no dialogue, and when that dialogue was delivered,

[1:29:40] it felt like it was delivered by people who had never spoken before.

[1:29:44] Uh, and then I watched Fences, which was, like...

[1:29:48] A deluge of dialogue.

[1:29:49] Like, any time there was a moment when somebody wasn't talking, you had to take a deep breath

[1:29:55] of air so that you didn't drown in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:58] Uh, I'm gonna recommend...

[1:30:00] I will say that I saw Get Out.

[1:30:02] I will not recommend that because it does not...

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:06] We've seen a lot of people not recommending movies starring African Americans on this episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:09] I'm not recommending...

[1:30:10] Oh, I liked Fences quite a bit.

[1:30:11] Uh, I'm not recommending...

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:12] And I know Get Out, technically, the star is English, I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:14] Jesus Christ.

[1:30:15] I should have not seen it.

[1:30:16] The only reason I'm not recommending Get Out is because I don't need to.

[1:30:20] I liked it a lot, and everyone in the world liked it.

[1:30:24] It's a huge movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:27] Not Elliot's boy, Arm and White.

[1:30:29] Did he not like it?

[1:30:30] No, he took a fucking shit on it.

[1:30:31] He didn't like it?

[1:30:32] Of course, because everybody else liked it.

[1:30:32] He's the one critic who knocked it.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:35] Get Out is great.

[1:30:36] Go see it.

[1:30:37] I'm only not recommending it because everyone has already seen it.

[1:30:41] Um, the movie I'm gonna recommend is much more obscure.

[1:30:46] It's a movie that you cannot see.

[1:30:49] I went to...

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:50] So what a recommendation.

[1:30:52] It played only in my head, and it's called Dan's Dream.

[1:30:56] I went to a...

[1:30:57] It features me and a bevy of babes.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:00] I went to a...

[1:31:02] Go on.

[1:31:05] I was just gonna laugh about Dan's Grammy.

[1:31:07] I went to a Alamo Drafthouse screening of The Devils,

[1:31:12] a 70s film from Ken Russell,

[1:31:16] starring Oliver Reed and Vanessa Redgrave.

[1:31:23] And it's a movie about a priest in France

[1:31:29] who is the priest in a city that has a lot of Protestants

[1:31:35] in a place that's...

[1:31:38] In a country that's very Catholic at the time.

[1:31:40] And because he is protecting these Protestant members of his community,

[1:31:47] Cardinal Richelieu wants to take him down.

[1:31:50] Basically, it's a movie that has not been able to be seen for a long time.

[1:31:56] Warners has taken it out of circulation

[1:31:59] because it has a lot of blasphemous imagery,

[1:32:05] including a nun played by Vanessa Redgrave

[1:32:10] having a fantasy about Oliver Reed as Jesus,

[1:32:16] where she licks his side wound.

[1:32:19] And there's also later in the movie where Cardinal Richelieu's...

[1:32:25] Are you gonna spoil all the good bits?

[1:32:27] Later in the movie, Cardinal Richelieu's lackey

[1:32:29] convinces a bunch of...

[1:32:32] Coerces a bunch of nuns, basically,

[1:32:35] to pretend that they're...

[1:32:36] What...

[1:32:39] What...

[1:32:40] Possessed by devils.

[1:32:42] And there's a bunch of, basically,

[1:32:44] naked nuns cavorting around.

[1:32:46] And that sort of thing was probably frowned upon

[1:32:48] by the Catholic Church.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:49] Seems like he found out a way to pull off that

[1:32:51] it'd be funny if we made out as a joke.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:54] Yeah.

[1:32:54] With those nuns.

[1:32:55] It's a very exploitative movie,

[1:32:57] but at the same time,

[1:32:59] it manages to figure out how to be an exploitative movie

[1:33:01] while also being, basically, a religious movie.

[1:33:05] Because my experience of watching it

[1:33:09] was the same as, say,

[1:33:10] watching T.S. Eliot's Murderer at the Cathedral,

[1:33:13] where it is a movie about a, basically,

[1:33:17] pious religious man.

[1:33:18] A flawed, definitely,

[1:33:21] but pious religious man

[1:33:22] who is killed because of political reasons.

[1:33:28] And that makes it a...

[1:33:33] Like, the fact that it is exploitative

[1:33:35] does not take away from the fact

[1:33:37] that it is, at heart,

[1:33:39] a very moral film.

[1:33:42] But it's very hard to see.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:44] I mean, I feel like...

[1:33:45] Aren't a lot of exploitative films,

[1:33:47] like, at their heart,

[1:33:48] like, weirdly moral,

[1:33:50] in that the more moral characters

[1:33:52] are the ones that come off best in it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:54] Well, you could say that the exploitation

[1:33:56] that they enact

[1:33:58] is a way of upholding

[1:34:00] certain social values

[1:34:02] that are either the flip side

[1:34:04] of our accepted values

[1:34:05] or are actually those values

[1:34:07] that, by exploiting specific,

[1:34:11] either sexual or violent or whatever things,

[1:34:13] they're actually highlighting stuff

[1:34:16] that is a part of mainstream society

[1:34:18] and just taking away

[1:34:19] the layers of fiction around it.

[1:34:20] Oh, yeah, like holding up a mirror.

[1:34:23] I would say less...

[1:34:24] Well, maybe.

[1:34:25] Not maybe deliberately holding up a mirror,

[1:34:27] but it being like,

[1:34:28] this is the stuff that is built into society

[1:34:31] that you like,

[1:34:32] but we have to pretend we don't like it.

[1:34:33] But I'm going to show you...

[1:34:35] But it gets delivered to you in other forms.

[1:34:36] I'm just going to give it to you in a raw form.

[1:34:38] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:39] Anyway, it's a great movie that...

[1:34:41] It's kind of like a Foucault read of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:43] This is Devils.

[1:34:44] The Devils.

[1:34:45] The Devils.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:46] It's hard to see.

[1:34:47] And Daniel Webster.

[1:34:47] But if you get a chance to,

[1:34:49] it's definitely worth it.

[1:34:51] I found it transfixing from beginning to end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:54] Okay.

[1:34:55] Four recommendations.

[1:34:57] No, no, no.

[1:34:58] Ellie doesn't.

[1:34:59] No, no.

[1:34:59] That was two recommendations

[1:35:00] in the space of four recommendations.

[1:35:03] So I'm going to make my recommendation real fast.

[1:35:06] I saw a new movie for once.

[1:35:08] What?

[1:35:08] A movie from last year.

[1:35:10] And that's The Lobster,

[1:35:12] directed by your ghost lanthimos of dogtooth fame.

[1:35:15] And starring an all-star cast,

[1:35:17] Colin Farrell, Rachel Weisz,

[1:35:18] all sorts of people,

[1:35:19] John C. Reilly,

[1:35:20] and Bond girl,

[1:35:22] Lea Seydoux, right?

[1:35:24] And the...

[1:35:26] It is the story...

[1:35:26] Laura Ski-Doo.

[1:35:27] If you're not fully aware of it,

[1:35:29] it is very dogtooth in style

[1:35:30] in that it is kind of deadpan,

[1:35:34] grotesque humor

[1:35:35] about a world where it is...

[1:35:38] The government demands everyone

[1:35:40] being a loving couple.

[1:35:41] Single people are not to be allowed.

[1:35:43] So if you're single,

[1:35:44] you're sent to a hotel

[1:35:45] where you have a set amount of time

[1:35:46] to fall in love with someone else.

[1:35:48] And if that doesn't happen,

[1:35:50] you are turned into an animal of your choice.

[1:35:52] And the main character's decided

[1:35:53] he will be a lobster,

[1:35:54] played by Colin Farrell,

[1:35:55] if he doesn't...

[1:35:55] That's why it's called The Lobster.

[1:35:58] Yep.

[1:35:59] But there's also

[1:36:00] people who live out in the woods

[1:36:02] who are living alone

[1:36:03] and are constantly being hunted

[1:36:04] by these people in the hotel.

[1:36:07] And it is...

[1:36:08] Kind of...

[1:36:10] I mean,

[1:36:10] in its broadest strokes,

[1:36:12] it is kind of a grotesque comedy of society.

[1:36:14] It's a pitch black comedy.

[1:36:16] But what it's about ultimately is

[1:36:19] how systems of rules

[1:36:21] that attempt to control behavior too much,

[1:36:24] I guess,

[1:36:25] warp human beings

[1:36:26] into the shape of that behavior

[1:36:28] in ways that are terrifying.

[1:36:31] And it...

[1:36:31] The movie kind of loses its way

[1:36:33] after a while,

[1:36:34] but it plays out the rules

[1:36:35] that it set up

[1:36:36] to the logical conclusion point.

[1:36:39] And I thought,

[1:36:40] though,

[1:36:40] that it was

[1:36:41] not fun at times,

[1:36:43] I found it

[1:36:44] actually really funny

[1:36:45] and well thought out.

[1:36:48] It's not a movie to watch

[1:36:49] if you don't like unpleasant things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:51] Yeah.

[1:36:51] For instance,

[1:36:52] I'll say

[1:36:52] the neon demon

[1:36:53] of the movie I recommended

[1:36:54] is super gross.

[1:36:56] I don't recommend it

[1:36:57] if you don't like gross things.

[1:36:59] The Lobster...

[1:37:01] Don't watch if you don't like

[1:37:02] violence against animals

[1:37:04] or the threat of eye trauma.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:06] Which there's not a lot of that,

[1:37:07] but there's enough of it,

[1:37:09] and it comes at...

[1:37:10] Let's say...

[1:37:11] In surprising ways.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:12] And it's the way that it's edited

[1:37:13] that is a style

[1:37:15] that's meant to be, like,

[1:37:17] funny because it's so shocking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:20] And because it's distanced.

[1:37:21] It is a...

[1:37:22] Yeah.

[1:37:22] Going out of its way

[1:37:23] to not be melodramatic

[1:37:24] and to be very matter-of-fact

[1:37:25] about the way it presents things

[1:37:26] that are horrifying.

[1:37:28] But because of that,

[1:37:29] it makes it, like...

[1:37:30] A little more horrifying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:31] Yeah.

[1:37:31] And it also means

[1:37:32] that you're like,

[1:37:33] you don't know

[1:37:34] what's fucking coming sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] Oh, yeah.

[1:37:36] Very much so.

[1:37:37] It's a surprising movie

[1:37:39] at the time.

[1:37:40] And you know what?

[1:37:41] Make a John C. Reilly

[1:37:41] double feature of it.

[1:37:42] He's in this,

[1:37:43] and I really enjoyed

[1:37:44] King Kong Skull Island.

[1:37:45] So for two very different tastes

[1:37:47] of John C. Reilly,

[1:37:48] The Lobster

[1:37:48] and Kong Skull Island,

[1:37:50] the movie that says,

[1:37:51] hey,

[1:37:51] what do you expect

[1:37:52] from a movie called

[1:37:53] Kong Skull Island?

[1:37:54] We're going to deliver it to you.

[1:37:55] No surprises,

[1:37:57] but you get a lot of Kong.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:59] Get a lot of Kong.

[1:38:01] What more can you want?

[1:38:05] So we should wrap up.

[1:38:07] We should wrap up.

[1:38:08] We're all obviously

[1:38:08] very distracted

[1:38:09] at this point

[1:38:10] in the podcast.

[1:38:13] Elliot is texting.

[1:38:14] I cannot put a coherent

[1:38:16] defense of the movie

[1:38:18] The Devils together.

[1:38:19] No,

[1:38:19] you did a fine job, dude.

[1:38:20] Thank you.

[1:38:22] And Stuart is just happily

[1:38:25] just being Stu, man.

[1:38:27] Yeah, dude.

[1:38:28] Keep on keeping on.

[1:38:30] But for the Flophouse,

[1:38:32] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:33] Hey,

[1:38:34] he's been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:37] Thanks.

[1:38:37] And Stuart Wellington

[1:38:38] just said that thing

[1:38:39] about Dan McCoy.

[1:38:41] Dan McCoy, everybody.

[1:38:42] Let's hear it for him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:43] Yay!

[1:38:44] Oh, man.

[1:38:45] You son of a bitch.

[1:38:46] I don't like you,

[1:38:48] but God damn it,

[1:38:49] I respect you.

[1:38:49] You don't like me?

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:54] And texting on my phone,

[1:38:56] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:38:57] Good night, everyone.

[1:39:02] A male porn star,

[1:39:03] when it's a performer

[1:39:04] that you recognize

[1:39:05] and kind of like,

[1:39:06] is more like a surprise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:08] We're talking about

[1:39:08] hetero porn,

[1:39:09] I'm assuming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:10] Yeah, yeah,

[1:39:10] and hetero porn.

[1:39:11] I'm talking about

[1:39:12] if you are a hetero male

[1:39:13] or a woman who likes

[1:39:15] to look at hetero porn.

[1:39:16] Sure.

[1:39:17] When you see,

[1:39:18] it's like,

[1:39:19] you're not going to the movie

[1:39:20] for David Pamer.

[1:39:22] But when David Pamer

[1:39:23] shows up in a small role,

[1:39:24] you're like,

[1:39:24] oh, this is nice.

[1:39:25] So you're going to that porn

[1:39:27] for the female star.

[1:39:28] But then a male star

[1:39:29] you recognize shows up

[1:39:30] and you're like,

[1:39:30] oh, okay.

[1:39:31] He's got personality.

[1:39:32] You identify with that guy.

[1:39:33] Yeah, I get that.

[1:39:34] His penis reminds me

[1:39:35] of my own penis.

[1:39:37] Yep.

[1:39:39] This is,

[1:39:39] I can really project myself

[1:39:40] onto this one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:41] I'm always impressed

[1:39:42] by Peter North's

[1:39:44] copious amounts of jizz.

[1:39:46] Wow.

[1:39:48] When is copious

[1:39:49] ever used for

[1:39:50] some of his jizz?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:51] Lots of things.

[1:39:53] Lots of things.

[1:39:54] Copious notes.

[1:39:56] Get out of here, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:59] Trying to decide

[1:40:00] whether this is,

[1:40:01] this is,

[1:40:01] end of the show fodder

[1:40:03] or not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:03] No, I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:06] Maximumfun.org

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:07] Comedy and culture.

[1:40:09] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:10] Listener supported.

Ep. #226 - Max Steel

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