Ep. #226 - Max Steel

[0:00] On this episode, we watched Max Steel.

[0:03] That's right. Back-to-back Max attack. Uh-oh!

[0:07] Welcome to Maxvember.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm coming off of a cold, and also I'm allergic reactioning to Dan's cat.

[0:50] So I apologize if I sound a little snotty tonight.

[0:52] I mean, more snotty than normal?

[0:55] Usually I'm snotty like this.

[0:57] Actually, that was saboteur, not sabotage.

[1:00] But this is a different kind of snotty where there's actual snot in my face.

[1:04] You say it's sabotage.

[1:06] I say it's sabotage.

[1:07] You remember that?

[1:08] Was that a Phil Harmon thing?

[1:09] No, that was William Shatner.

[1:13] Oh, it's like a bootleg.

[1:16] There's outtakes of him doing the Star Trek cartoon where he's like,

[1:20] Spock, sabotage the system.

[1:22] Spock, sabotage the system.

[1:25] And they're like, Bill, can you just say one more with a sabotage?

[1:29] You say sabotage.

[1:30] I say sabotage.

[1:32] Wow, that was another episode of our classic podcast, Remember That?

[1:35] I mean, we basically became Gilbert Gottfried's podcast for a minute,

[1:39] which is essentially Gilbert Gottfried and his co-host interview somebody,

[1:44] but half of it is just Gilbert Gottfried remembering shows he watched as a kid

[1:48] or like scenes from movies with people in it that are not the guest.

[1:51] Yeah.

[1:52] Seems like a pretty good format.

[1:54] We should adopt that

[1:55] I mean, it's fun

[1:56] They seem to be having fun

[1:57] Yeah, we wouldn't have to watch a movie

[1:59] That seems like a plus

[2:00] That would be a huge plus

[2:02] Especially if it's a movie like tonight

[2:03] Because, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:04] We watch a bad movie

[2:05] And then we talk about it

[2:07] And, boy, howdy

[2:07] Did we watch a thing tonight?

[2:10] We watched a movie

[2:11] It was like a movie-like substance

[2:14] The only proof I have that this is a movie

[2:17] Is that if you go by the old Pavilion Movie Theater

[2:20] That is still there in Brooklyn

[2:22] It's becoming a Nighthawk Theater

[2:23] It's becoming, yeah, that's irrelevant.

[2:26] But they haven't taken down the marquee or the posters.

[2:29] And there is still a poster and the sign on the marquee for Max Steele.

[2:34] When it's like, I'm going to walk by there tonight on the way home, I think.

[2:39] Just to have actual evidence that this was a movie that existed in real life.

[2:43] Because it felt like.

[2:45] And then the ghost of Max Steele will appear beckoning you into the theater.

[2:48] Come in.

[2:50] Come in and watch me, my exploits.

[2:53] How could you forget my exploits?

[2:56] My many exploits.

[2:58] I really like saying the word exploits a lot, Nick Steele.

[3:00] That's one of his many superpowers.

[3:03] Some people say adventures.

[3:04] I say exploits.

[3:05] And he'll hand you a thing, a tub of popcorn, and it looks delicious.

[3:10] And then you start digging into it, and it's all greasy old gross popcorn.

[3:14] I liked ghost popcorn.

[3:18] Yeah, that's what I meant, dude.

[3:20] It's like fucking Rufio shit.

[3:23] all right okay i'm just underlining your point someone walks into a restaurant and they're like

[3:28] uh i'll have some food please and they just give them an empty plate this is some rufio shit

[3:33] i'm supposed to imagine there's food here yeah yeah and the waiter's like tell it to yelp

[3:39] bangerang the chef is uh a pioneer in rufio cuisine our chef was actually an original lost

[3:46] boy he came back from neverland and decided to bring that exotic unique neverland cuisine

[3:53] to modern american farm to table cooking now all of our imaginary food is imaginary source

[4:00] from imaginary farms and it's brought to you and we're just about seasonal imaginary ingredients

[4:05] kind of letting them shine representing what makes them best uh and there's also a lot of

[4:10] imaginary foam now oh that's weird in my hometown original lost boy cuisine was thinking i was

[4:16] eating chinese food but it would be maggots or worms that's a different kind of lost boy uh

[4:23] that's been a big debate in the lost boy community now what if okay here's your here's your crossover

[4:29] peter pan takes wendy and the other two kids bump them and both of them or whatever their names are

[4:33] squiggy and mog and uh takes the neverland where the lost boys are vampires and he wants to turn

[4:40] them into vampires too uh lost boys never grow up because they're vamps just like the kid vampire

[4:45] in near dark get abc's once upon a time on the horn because i think you have a million dollar

[4:53] i think i'll call up my old college roommate who is a producer on once upon a time yeah why don't

[4:57] you yes this to him that's a good idea i'll call him to jump backwards though that is something

[5:02] that i'll jump back kiss yourself yeah that's something that annoys me on top chef though is

[5:06] Every single chef is like, my sort of style of food is I just like to let the ingredients take charge.

[5:13] I'm all about real quality ingredients, whatever's good right now.

[5:17] Yeah, what's seasonal, what's good.

[5:19] And it's just like, yeah, great.

[5:21] I'm all about really delicious flavors.

[5:25] I'm all about food that fills your tummy and makes you feel good.

[5:29] I'm about converting food into energy so you can live.

[5:32] I'm about giving you poop fuel that you can poop out later.

[5:36] That's what I serve in my restaurant

[5:40] It's called poop fuel

[5:41] I'm giving you the raw ore that your body

[5:43] Can process into finished poop

[5:46] Because really

[5:49] Poop is the highest form of food

[5:51] Because it's the last form

[5:53] It's been through the most amazing process

[5:56] Of all, the human stomach

[5:57] Dan's making his pitch to the middle person

[6:00] In a human centipede

[6:01] Because Dan doesn't want to be the middle or the back

[6:04] So he's like, no, no, no

[6:05] I'm taking the hit by being the front

[6:07] I'm missing out on all this great poop

[6:08] I'm giving you the good stuff

[6:09] Look you're getting the nutrients from me too

[6:12] So you're assuming that I wouldn't want to be the

[6:14] I would prefer to be the back because I'm getting less poop

[6:17] Oh no I think you're telling the back and the

[6:19] I think you're getting more poop in the back

[6:21] Really? I don't think so

[6:23] I think that you know like

[6:25] You got the most poop in the middle

[6:26] And then the guy in the middle

[6:29] Absorbs some of that

[6:30] Poop is the shit literally that your body is not

[6:33] Absorbing because it's not nutrients

[6:35] are useful. Once the poop

[6:37] gets to the middle, there's so little

[6:39] nutrients in that. You've got to believe the middle is pooping

[6:41] all of that stuff. Plus extra?

[6:43] Where's that coming from? Plus the blood

[6:45] and stuff that he's pooping out because he's not

[6:47] nourished properly. And that's going in

[6:49] your mouth, Dan, as the back

[6:51] one. So if you want to be the back one

[6:53] of this Flophouse human centipede, go

[6:55] ahead. I don't want that job. I'll

[6:57] take the front, thank you very much.

[6:59] I'll take that head. Everyone wants the front.

[7:01] No, not you, dude. You totally want

[7:03] have your face buried in my delicious ass.

[7:05] Look, tell you this.

[7:07] Do I like the feel of one of your

[7:09] stubbly faces rubbing against my

[7:11] anus? No, I don't.

[7:13] And yet I'm willing to take that sacrifice by

[7:15] getting in the butt. I told you I would shave, dude.

[7:17] Okay, I appreciate that you would shave

[7:19] before we're centipeded.

[7:20] Apparently this is a scheduled thing that we can prep

[7:23] for ahead of time, and then we're, what,

[7:25] going to the hospital together to get it done

[7:27] like a planned C-section? But, Dan,

[7:29] if you want to be in the back and not

[7:31] have your butt violated by another

[7:33] person's face. Go ahead.

[7:35] I'll take that hit. You can be the

[7:37] back and Stu, you can be the middle and

[7:39] have all the affection that comes from being

[7:41] in between your two closest friends.

[7:43] So what, like, this is a couple minutes in, that's when

[7:45] people are clicking unsubscribe,

[7:47] delete. Now I'm just thinking about whenever

[7:49] someone's like, and my mom really got to like

[7:51] your podcast too.

[7:52] This is really exciting, that one guy

[7:55] like your friend who always shows up to live

[7:57] shows and asks about human centipedes.

[7:58] He always asks us what order we'd be in.

[8:00] Or what order the Ninja Turtles

[8:03] would be in or something like that.

[8:04] Well, K-Cell, if you're listening,

[8:07] you're probably not because

[8:08] I don't know. But we'll talk about it

[8:11] at the next live show.

[8:12] So, we watched a movie called Max Steel.

[8:14] Max the Magician and the Legend of the Ring.

[8:17] No, Dan, it's been a while

[8:19] since we watched that when we talked about it.

[8:21] So, Max Steel

[8:23] is a movie based on a toy

[8:25] that had a cartoon and a series of

[8:27] direct-to-video movies that

[8:29] Dan, you said were only released in Latin America?

[8:31] This is what I

[8:33] a factoid i found in a av club review okay saying that all but one of them were only released in

[8:39] latin america so i don't know if that's true or not but i'm trusting the research of aa dowd in

[8:46] this matter uh so if you're out there an amazing doubt yes so mac steel is your basic superhero

[8:55] origin story. And by that I mean it is

[8:57] the most basic, generic

[8:59] like filler

[9:01] I'm with you. You find it

[9:03] on the lowest rung of the

[9:05] grocery store in a bag

[9:07] that has a white thing on it

[9:09] that says superhero.

[9:10] I'm with both of you on this.

[9:13] If it wasn't for all the magic

[9:15] jizz. There's a lot of magic

[9:17] jizz. Fair point. There's a lot of CGI

[9:19] magic jizz or tachyon energy as they

[9:21] prefer to call it. Yeah, that's what I prefer to call it.

[9:23] Flowing out of his

[9:25] hands his dad's chest all over the place robots everywhere there's constantly it's like okay

[9:32] everyone who wants to make a spider-man movie always wants to make it a puberty metaphor

[9:36] there's always that moment where they want him to spray webs out as some kind of a joke on

[9:40] premature ejaculation like he gets excited and webs spray out everyone wants to do it hilarious

[9:45] this movie takes that a thousand points farther where it's like every time we keep talking about

[9:50] I want him to paint the air with his jizz.

[9:53] And every time he gets too excited, it risks exploding in this jizz energy, for lack of a better word.

[10:00] They call it tachy-energy or turbo-energy in this, but we all know what it is.

[10:05] It's jizzergy.

[10:06] Yeah.

[10:07] So, just like in Theodore Sturgeon's classic short story, it wasn't jizzergy.

[10:13] That's a deep cut.

[10:14] It wasn't scissorgy fans out there.

[10:17] Yeah.

[10:17] I haven't thought about Theodore Sturgeon in a long time.

[10:19] Anyway.

[10:20] Was he a fish who wrote short stories?

[10:23] Exactly, yes.

[10:24] No, but he was one of the inspirations for Kilgore Trout,

[10:27] Kurt Vonnegut's character.

[10:29] Okay.

[10:29] So that's one of those cases where the character that he's one of many

[10:33] influences on became better known than the person.

[10:35] But Theodore Sturgeon wrote Baby Makes Three.

[10:38] I read that one.

[10:39] Or rather, More Than Human, which was built off the short story

[10:42] Baby Makes Three.

[10:42] More Than Human, which is a great book.

[10:44] He wrote To Marry Medusa, which is a great book.

[10:48] He wrote a lot of great short stories.

[10:50] Theodore Sturgeon, everybody, let's hear it for him.

[10:52] Yeah.

[10:53] Come on, everybody.

[10:54] Come out.

[10:54] Come out, Teddy.

[10:56] Hey, it's me, Theodore Sturgeon.

[10:58] Hey, oh, you are a fish.

[11:00] I am a fish.

[11:01] Let me get my, oh, I can't reach my hat because my fins are too short.

[11:05] It's a great hat, though.

[11:06] Can you just get that hat off me, Elliot?

[11:08] Yeah, sure, let me get that from you.

[11:09] Oh, take it easy with those hands.

[11:11] Okay, when you asked me to remove your hat, are fish afraid of hands?

[11:16] I'm frying your hands because I don't have one now.

[11:18] Can I have my cigar back, Dan?

[11:20] Sure.

[11:22] Here's your stogie, buddy.

[11:23] Oh, man.

[11:25] That was some great character work I just did.

[11:27] It was great.

[11:27] Really painted a word picture of this theater surgeon fish man.

[11:31] Well, what I think is when you go into the room, you just got to use all the, like, you got to do some prop work.

[11:37] You used the space.

[11:38] You really did.

[11:39] I don't throw around the words SNL audition piece ready often, but I think that I want to use it in this case.

[11:46] now i love the idea of going before lauren michaels and being like all right are you

[11:52] familiar with the works of mid-century science fiction author theodore surgeon with the author

[11:59] of erotic science fiction novel star body well take a listen to this and then you turn around

[12:05] and muss up your hair and put a hat on start talking like a fish i would there's part of me

[12:11] with love to get the opportunity to audition for snl and just deliberately blow it with the

[12:16] shittiest stuff that would be so fun like i have you ever gone i've gone into job audition for snl

[12:23] no i've not but i've gone into job interviews where i was like i don't actually fucking want

[12:28] this job i don't care and those are the the job interviews that go by far the best because they're

[12:33] not nervous yeah yeah so i'm in there like i don't care they're like what are your goals i'm like i

[12:37] don't really have any they're like oh give us more an empty vessel in which we can pour our

[12:43] objectives speaking of empty vessels max steel which kind of is to the marvel cinematic universe

[12:49] what butter what never cinematic universe is like butter to max steals like like a chemical

[12:57] lubricant that that they tried to use as butter on popcorn but it made people sick yep uh it's

[13:04] Like an Alestra sort of thing.

[13:06] Yeah, it's like Alestra.

[13:07] It makes you poop.

[13:07] Thanks for bringing us back to poop, Dan.

[13:09] I'm sorry.

[13:10] But it really, it's a movie that really feels very generic.

[13:14] And you go through the regular templates of teen guy.

[13:19] He's handsome and buff.

[13:20] He just moved into town.

[13:22] Whatever happened.

[13:22] There's a new boy in the neighborhood.

[13:24] He lives downstairs.

[13:25] Thank you, Dan.

[13:25] Whatever happened to the predictability of getting a teen hero that looks like a fucking wimp for a change?

[13:32] Nope.

[13:33] I'm tired of all these fucking hot boys all shredded up.

[13:36] They're supposed to get shredded after they become a superhero.

[13:38] Instead, they already look like heroes.

[13:40] Yeah, exactly.

[13:41] They're supposed to go from zero to hero.

[13:44] They're going to hero to hero, which is not an interesting arc.

[13:47] Unless it's a hero sandwich that's turning into a gyro.

[13:51] Like a werewolf type thing.

[13:54] It was bitten by a were-gyro, and now it turns into a gyro at night.

[13:57] Yep.

[13:58] I don't know.

[14:00] I don't know why I do this.

[14:03] I love that Stewart bailed out.

[14:04] He like hit the ripcord.

[14:05] He's like, this is not a valid alley to go down.

[14:10] It's like Stewart saw a brick wall in front of him and he just swerved out of the way at the last minute.

[14:15] So what I'm saying is if I'm a kid.

[14:19] Should I take a shortcut through Crime Alley?

[14:20] Nah, I think I'll just take the regular way home.

[14:22] So I'm going to get back on the highway.

[14:25] And I want to talk about how if I was a fucking cool teen or I wasn't even that cool of a teen.

[14:31] And I'm watching this guy, and I'm like, I already want to be the kid before he gets fucking powers.

[14:37] He's really handsome.

[14:38] He's ripped.

[14:39] He's got fucking Drunken Master playing on TV behind him.

[14:43] He's got a TV in his room that only plays kung fu movies, and good ones.

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:47] He's living the life.

[14:48] He's got this great solar system mobile his dad made for him.

[14:51] Uh-huh.

[14:51] His mom's Maria Bello.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:53] Inventor of the bellows.

[14:55] Uh-huh.

[14:55] That's right.

[14:56] You might know her as Hat Detective.

[14:59] Hat Cop.

[15:00] Hat Cop show on NBC.

[15:01] But what was the name of that show?

[15:02] It was like a character's name, right?

[15:04] It was based on an English show for a character that also had a hat.

[15:09] So, yeah, that was Chapeau Cop.

[15:11] That was Chapeau Bobby.

[15:12] Did they ever explain why?

[15:14] I mean, chapeau is a French word.

[15:15] I know, but it's just classier.

[15:17] That's all.

[15:17] Was that like one of those things like how on The Strain they gave Corey Stahl that like hilariously bad hairpiece?

[15:23] Yeah.

[15:24] And the reason, they're like, oh, it's going to matter in the story at some point.

[15:28] and I made it about two seasons through,

[15:30] and I'm like, there's no reason for it.

[15:33] I'm still wearing this crazy hairpiece.

[15:35] Sometimes it's just about building a character, you know?

[15:37] In some places, characters are welcome.

[15:39] I mean...

[15:40] It's like I punched Stuart in the face.

[15:45] Like, he just stopped, like...

[15:48] Yeah, I mean, do you think it's all for, like,

[15:51] a moment where they're going to play, like,

[15:53] a Puddle of Mud song,

[15:54] and he's going to, like, slowly buzz his head or something?

[15:56] Probably.

[15:58] So, Max Steele.

[16:00] So, Max McGrath moves into town.

[16:03] He's a new kid.

[16:03] Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray?

[16:05] No, Max McGrath, son of James McGrath, the science genius, and also ripped.

[16:10] Oh my god, dude.

[16:12] His dad is basically like Patrick Warburton's gym partner, is the way I would describe him.

[16:17] If you can look good wearing a pair of fucking chinos and no shirt, I fucking salute you.

[16:24] I mean, there's a reason that he goes shirtless in his science lab while he's working on his magic jizz energy to stop aliens from eating the earth.

[16:33] Yeah.

[16:33] And I just made the movie sound way more interesting than it is.

[16:36] And he's about to fight these aliens, and he's like, I'm just going to take off my shirt.

[16:40] I'm going to keep wearing these work pants.

[16:42] You would think he would have like some kind of –

[16:45] He doesn't have to take his pants off.

[16:45] He didn't walk through the rain.

[16:46] Yeah, but don't you think he will like have some other kind of pants on?

[16:49] What, like Zubas or something?

[16:51] Zubas?

[16:53] Yeah.

[16:53] I mean, for movement, I would say yeah, but I mean like maybe like tights.

[16:58] Yeah, it makes sense if they're cargo pants because then you've got all that cargo that you're transporting.

[17:03] Like the transporter, that's why they call him that, right?

[17:06] Because he wears cargo pants?

[17:07] He wears cargo pants, yeah.

[17:09] He put that woman in one of his pockets and transported her around.

[17:13] Wouldn't that be great if the transporter got out of his car and he's wearing some like JNCO jeans?

[17:21] And they're like, oh, he can carry a million people in those.

[17:23] There's even, like, a wrench through the, like, wrench holder or whatever it is.

[17:26] Sure, yeah.

[17:27] Or the hammer strap.

[17:29] Yeah.

[17:29] So Max Steele, he's a quiet kid.

[17:32] Long story short, one day, out of nowhere.

[17:36] Oh, his mom and he move into a house next to an abandoned science facility.

[17:41] Out of nowhere one day, he starts affecting electronic objects with his hands, making them go crazy-wazy.

[17:48] And eventually he's just trailing this stringy energy from his hands.

[17:52] Yeah, we say stringy.

[17:53] That's why we talk about it like jizz energy because it looks like sperm floating around.

[18:00] Yeah, but there's a lot of him just looking at it, waving his hand, and you're like, so this kid's just high.

[18:05] Is that what's happening?

[18:06] Well, it's like a mix of that and it's like there's literally a moment where he's playing around with his fucking jizz energy, loses control, and knocks the power out.

[18:15] his mom's like what are you doing are you doing something in there max just jizzing mom don't

[18:21] come in mom i don't have magic powers i'm just manipulating my penis until it ejaculates

[18:27] all right up there you better not have magic powers though anyway he goes to school and is

[18:34] immediately hit by a truck driven by a cute girl and it is the it is a meet cute in that

[18:41] the two of them are instantly

[18:43] in love. Matt, he's a slab of meat.

[18:44] She's cute.

[18:46] She's cute and he's meat. It's called

[18:48] Ham Boy.

[18:49] It's a story of a boy made out of ham.

[18:52] It's bad enough being a teen

[18:54] when you're not made out of lunch meat. Hi, I'm

[18:56] Ham Boy. Welcome to my world.

[18:58] It's called Diary of a Wimpy Ham Boy.

[19:00] Can I support you on Patreon?

[19:02] Sure, go ahead, please.

[19:04] And he has

[19:06] more problems, blah blah, electricity comes

[19:08] out of his hands, we all know that. Anyway,

[19:11] Long story short.

[19:11] He tries to get to the bottom of his dad's death.

[19:14] Yes, he does some Google searching because apparently he was told a tornado hit the very science facility they just moved back next to.

[19:22] That's weird.

[19:23] And that's where his dad got killed.

[19:25] So does he get any answers from Andy Garcia?

[19:28] Andy Garcia, his dad's business partner, Miles, does not give him any answers.

[19:32] He doesn't look like a Miles.

[19:33] No, Miles Silverberg looks like a Miles.

[19:35] Or Murphy Brown.

[19:36] Yeah.

[19:36] Or Miles O'Keefe.

[19:38] Those are the two poles of Miles.

[19:40] They're miles apart.

[19:42] Shut up.

[19:43] Shut up.

[19:44] God damn you.

[19:45] Hey, guys.

[19:46] You can't spell smiles without miles.

[19:49] Oh, fuck off.

[19:50] Andy Garcia doesn't tell much, but while they're having dinner,

[19:54] Andy Garcia and his family,

[19:56] a robot breaks out of some other science institution,

[20:00] and Max seems to have some kind of mental link with it.

[20:02] This robot turns out to be named Steel,

[20:05] and he's a little flying bot who flies around and speaks in a lot of slang

[20:10] but doesn't know what a mom is like they're really playing fast and loose with what things the robot

[20:15] understands and what he doesn't so miles is like hey just try to stay cool and he goes but i can't

[20:20] control my core temperature max but then later the robot is like hey just trying to eat coolio

[20:26] keep it on the dl you know and it's like what hold on a second are you telling me did he like

[20:31] upload every slang into every episode of hollywood squares and he's familiar with the character coolio

[20:37] but and he's the robot is voiced by what's his name big head from silicon valley and uh he he

[20:45] does a fine job wait is that is the actor's name or the character the actor's name james big head

[20:51] dan you know that i don't watch silicon valley out of protest because it's a comedy and it should

[20:56] have been called silly you're right it's a fair point yeah take that mike judge okay you can take

[21:04] it yeah uh the bank the river bank where ratty is and mole look at them whiling away their days

[21:14] yeah in a boat time for them to meet pan the nature god and the weirdest chapter of that book

[21:20] of wind in the willows oh what if it was called wind in the willow and it's about willow from

[21:26] the movie willow and he's got gas and willow from bubby the vampire slayer shows up also

[21:31] mitgas but anyway max has this role like this you know like this relationship with this robot a real

[21:39] they're a real robot and frank yeah they're real ratchet and clank it's a real batteries are

[21:45] included some for some reason yeah it's a real what are they hang out and bullshit a lot and

[21:50] the robot seems to dole out uh little bits of exposition and like memories the robot will be

[21:58] like you have tachyon energy and i feed off of it i have to feed it off of you or else you'll

[22:03] explode if it builds up too much but why is that i don't remember let's get to the next level and

[22:08] then we'll unlock my memories and then a bunch of dudes show up and start shooting bullets at

[22:14] merks in black vans and black suits or firing guns it's real x like x and sever have teamed up

[22:20] to go after max and they are ballistic hold on normally they are versus each other that's what's

[22:25] so crazy about it, is usually it's

[22:27] X versus Sever. It's the story we've all

[22:29] come to know and love. It's been passed down

[22:31] for generations, and it's ballistic.

[22:33] It's like the tortoise and the hare. But now it's like they've

[22:35] gone really ballistic, and X

[22:37] was like, hey, the enemy of my enemy

[22:39] is my friend. And I guess

[22:41] Max Steel is my enemy, and Sever

[22:43] also doesn't like my enemy. So I guess

[22:45] we're friends now. At any point does

[22:47] Sever clarify... I've never seen the

[22:49] film. Does Sever ever

[22:51] clarify that the last name is pronounced

[22:53] Sever? Oh, that would change

[22:55] things yeah and well just that what kind of last name is e-c-k-s-x yeah that's true okay what it

[23:02] was x versus siever and it was just a divorce thing where a guy named siever is in court with

[23:07] his ex but she is ballistic no matter what the important thing is jokes about listing

[23:14] jokes about x versus sever being a court case is pretty topical right now i'm glad we're really

[23:21] touching on that i mean even when x versus ever came out those jokes were not topical that is

[23:27] maybe the most resounding what that a movie was ever greeted with was maybe skidoo was the only

[23:34] movie that was greeted with more bafflement by america x versus ever wherever it was like are we

[23:39] are we supposed to know our favorite characters x and sever finally finding each other the battle

[23:45] we've been waiting for for years guys we got to clarify this we got to clarify this colon ballistic

[23:51] it was ballistic colon x versus seven yeah we gotta know how how crazy this this fight is

[23:58] it's ballistic x sever we knew it was gonna happen but is it a real like are they ballistic

[24:05] let's make sure the audience knows that

[24:07] now we've been talking about it for like five minutes now and it's still funny enough that i

[24:14] just like beer just went on my nose now in the in the lucky nose in the trailer do the two lead

[24:20] characters just have people saying their name

[24:22] over and over so that it like grinds

[24:24] into the audience. Oh, like the ad for the movie

[24:25] Mumford where it was like, Mumford? Mumford?

[24:28] Mumford? I hate it

[24:30] when trailers do that.

[24:31] Everybody's talking about Ferris Bueller.

[24:33] Bueller? Bueller?

[24:35] Bueller? Don't see the new

[24:37] Baby Driver trailer. No, it just bothers

[24:40] me because it's like, am I supposed

[24:42] to be surprised? Like, this character must be

[24:44] exciting. Everyone in the movie is saying his name.

[24:46] There's a lot of demand among characters

[24:48] in this movie to know about the main character.

[24:50] It's not like, you can't be just like,

[24:51] everyone would be like, this guy has a crazy name.

[24:55] He's like, yeah, the screenwriter fucking wrote him

[24:56] with a crazy name, dude.

[24:58] But it would be a different thing if it was like

[24:59] a famous character who's finally, it was like,

[25:02] and there's only one thing that can solve this crime.

[25:05] Frankenstein, Frankenstein, Frankenstein.

[25:09] Frankenstein, P.I. or something like that.

[25:11] Like then I'd be like, okay, I get,

[25:13] it's exciting to hear that name many times

[25:15] because I've got a lot of built up enthusiasm for that.

[25:17] Oh, yeah, yeah, like Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla.

[25:20] Exactly, yeah.

[25:21] But it's like, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla.

[25:25] That's how you would do it.

[25:26] To show that Godzilla's all things to all people.

[25:29] Yeah, yeah, the kaleidoscope of characters.

[25:32] That's a real Rashomon, Citizen Kane type thing

[25:35] where everyone has a different view on Godzilla.

[25:36] Oh, yeah, and there's different stories.

[25:38] And you're trying to figure out, whoa, was Godzilla a hero?

[25:41] Was he a zero?

[25:42] Yeah, was he actually a monster or was he just some dude?

[25:45] Mm-hmm.

[25:47] Who had a bad day.

[25:48] Yeah, that's me.

[25:49] What's going on with Max Steele?

[25:50] Where will we go?

[25:51] So he's got this robot buddy, but they're on the run.

[25:53] You're not Dan.

[25:54] Well, you weren't answering the question.

[25:56] I forgot where we stopped.

[25:57] He needs that robot because the robot has to suck off his excess juice.

[26:01] Okay, that's not the way the movie puts it.

[26:04] But yes, the robot has to absorb his excess energy, which comes out in strands.

[26:07] Yeah, because he's a teen.

[26:08] He can't control all that excess energy.

[26:10] And the robot's like, oh, yeah, give it to me.

[26:12] Fill me up.

[26:12] I might be paraphrasing.

[26:16] The long story short, in something that will surprise no one, he gets superpowers from

[26:22] being close to this robot, and they can combine so that he has some kind of mecha suit on

[26:26] him.

[26:26] It was at this point that I really wished I was watching the Guyver.

[26:29] Oh, my God.

[26:30] It's basically a bad The Guyver.

[26:32] And the Guyver is not great.

[26:34] It's pretty fun.

[26:36] Wait, which The Guyver are we talking about?

[26:38] The live action first one.

[26:40] See, I'm talking about the original manga.

[26:43] Oh, I see.

[26:45] Well, sorry.

[26:46] Well, anything where you have tons of giant monsters

[26:50] fighting a dude with a organic armor suit

[26:54] that shoots giant lasers out of its chest.

[26:57] Yeah.

[26:57] That's awesome.

[26:58] Can't wait for that.

[26:59] Guys, what if MacGyver was just an Irish version of the Guyver?

[27:03] That would be great.

[27:04] I mean, there's nothing telling me that.

[27:06] What was MacGyver then?

[27:07] Was he Scottish or Irish?

[27:08] That's what I'm saying.

[27:10] But he already kind of is that.

[27:12] Yeah, but he doesn't have a mecha suit.

[27:15] Oh, I see.

[27:16] He doesn't have, like, an alien parasite bonded with him.

[27:19] So why'd you bring up MacGyver?

[27:20] Because I said, what if MacGyver was an Irish version of the Guyver?

[27:24] Oh, I thought you said an Irish version of MacGyver.

[27:26] No.

[27:26] Wow, this was just a real cul-de-sac of a conversation.

[27:30] Yeah, let's get back to Mac Steele

[27:32] so we don't have to do any more of your offensive Irish humor.

[27:35] Oh, I'm a powered boy potatoes.

[27:38] That's offensive, Dan.

[27:40] This is the ethnic humor tradition that Vaudeville was built on, all right?

[27:44] It's true.

[27:45] He makes a good point, and this is nothing if not a vaudeville show.

[27:49] So anyway, Max Steele's now officially a superhero,

[27:51] although it's kind of more like a stupor hero.

[27:54] Every time he gets in a fight, he fucking loses his suit,

[27:57] and he's just like rolling around with his robot buddy.

[28:00] Totally nude balls.

[28:01] And his shirt is all shredded up like some fucking Swiss cheese.

[28:04] He can't wear a shirt without it getting full of holes.

[28:06] Now here's something to look forward to if you're watching this.

[28:09] Of course, he does some parkour training in the abandoned science facility,

[28:13] looking like, as Stuart pointed out, Billy Elliot,

[28:15] or as I would say, Footloose.

[28:16] Like, he is one step away from just being,

[28:19] oh, I'm dancing away my anger in this abandoned warehouse.

[28:21] Ah!

[28:22] So yeah, Elliot's saying,

[28:24] if you're looking for some parkour tips,

[28:26] you can watch this movie.

[28:27] First tip, get a robot buddy who controls your energy jizz

[28:31] so that you can do amazing parkour without any training.

[28:34] Now, he's being hunted down by an evil alien

[28:37] called an Ultralink.

[28:38] They make tornadoes, and he defeats one narrowly

[28:41] and discovers, uh-oh, it's actually just a floating little robot

[28:45] like his buddy Steel.

[28:46] Did Steel actually kill his father?

[28:48] No, Steel says, I was working with your father,

[28:51] and I remember more of it now.

[28:52] Let's experience some memory, shall we?

[28:54] This is a movie that is full of cut scenes

[28:56] where, like in a video game, the level would stop

[28:59] and you'd just watch some backstory for a while.

[29:01] That's this movie, essentially.

[29:02] Your codec would ring, and you would have to talk to

[29:04] whoever is going through weird life problems.

[29:07] And then you'd continue with the game for a couple of seconds.

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:11] Also, this movie is so lazy when it comes to the villain

[29:14] because it doesn't really explain these Ultralinks.

[29:16] It's just like, okay, there's like...

[29:18] There's good aliens, there's bad aliens.

[29:20] There's a bad version of Steel, basically,

[29:22] and we're not going to learn anything about their motivations

[29:25] or why they're here or anything.

[29:27] They want to eat the world or something.

[29:29] They're like when Warren Ellis redid Galactus for the Ultimate Universe

[29:33] and he was like a hive mind of bugs or something.

[29:35] Really made Stewart mad.

[29:40] Anytime you reimagine a dude who's like a giant purple man as something that's more realistic, get out of here.

[29:48] Fuck that.

[29:48] If you don't want giant purple man, what are you doing in the world of comics?

[29:51] Go back to just tweeting about how much you love your portable communications technology.

[29:57] I'm just saying I like the, like, I mean, Galactus was a Jack Kirby character, right?

[30:03] Very much so.

[30:03] And that's what's so great about it.

[30:05] Yeah, I mean, the one silly thing was that he had a big G on his chest.

[30:10] that's awesome but then they got rid of that knows that he's galactus but he has like wait

[30:15] hold on which guy who are you the watcher are you which one of the guys who eats planets every time

[30:21] he lands on a plane he goes i hope you guys speak and read english or else my costume's not gonna

[30:25] make as much sense one of my what do they call them uh is like emissaries heralds yeah one of

[30:31] my heralds told me you guys recognize this letter i don't know what it means myself i just slapped

[30:37] it on. What's like whenever... They keep me current

[30:39] with the trends of normal

[30:40] sized folks.

[30:42] I call them normal sized folks even though

[30:45] to me I'm normal.

[30:46] And now it's time to twerk.

[30:48] As I've heard is very popular

[30:50] nowadays.

[30:51] Damn Daniel, etc.

[30:56] Now for one of those drops.

[31:01] Boom.

[31:02] He does have... Galactus has the

[31:05] best helmet of any combo

[31:07] character yeah i love that design so much anyway so he finds out he thinks steel is bad turns out

[31:12] steel is not bad the villain is surprise surprise it's andy garcia of course it is yeah he betrayed

[31:19] he's betrayed uh max's dad and was working in a fantastic flashback where his hair got super crazy

[31:25] that's why you know he's a bad guy and the best thing about the beginning flashbacks is a lot of

[31:30] movie from this point on becomes extreme close-ups of the characters with colored filters on their

[31:35] faces going as they propel energy jizz out of their bodies and it is even more like okay this

[31:44] is just like angry porn and this guy is angry and he is just letting loose he's just so mad about

[31:50] the sex he's having uh but andy garcia tracks down no or max tracks andy garcia and they have

[31:57] a power suit fight andy garcia has built a battle suit that absorbs tachyon energy andy garcia gets

[32:02] a little bit of the bad guy

[32:04] speech stuff going on.

[32:06] He's pretty fun.

[32:07] Give me the energy. I need it.

[32:09] They go fighting for a while. Max

[32:12] keeps getting his butt handed to him.

[32:13] I'm just trying to say, Andy Garcia, he delivers

[32:16] an okay performance in this one. He does fine.

[32:18] As you said, his voice gets sillier as it goes on.

[32:20] Yeah, he gets way Brooklyn-y.

[32:22] Max is not doing well. He's not good

[32:26] at fighting. Luckily, he gets

[32:28] a respite when

[32:30] all the mercs who are

[32:32] chasing after him before the hitmen who we learned are working for his mom they attack andy garcia

[32:38] and andy garcia kills all of them yeah and then max is like i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna

[32:43] give him what he wants and he pulls the oldest trick in the book yeah uh he want what i want

[32:48] he really really really wants to zig a zig ah yeah which is weird beguffin for the movie to have

[32:54] yeah then it turns into it's a backdoor spice girls pilot yeah uh that at the end he the oldest

[33:01] trick in the book i'll give you the power you want too much power and you won't be able to handle it

[33:06] send it into turbo energy steel and he shoots him full of turbo energy and he what explodes or

[33:12] something there's the great moment of like he's like i'll give you what you want he's like perfect

[33:17] i love it he's like i'm gonna give you too much he's like no i'm dying and uh max wins the day

[33:24] his t-shirt is full of holes steel is a okay spent they the laziest possible max thinking

[33:30] that steel has died in the battle happens where max is lying on the ground and steel is next to

[33:34] max like steel steel talk to me steel actually max magician thinking that his mouse buddy was dead

[33:42] was done better than this of the two maxes i would watch max magician again in a heartbeat

[33:49] uh but anyway but everything's okay and his mom reveals to him oh you can do all this because

[33:57] what what what your dad's an alien oh i thought his stepmother was an alien uh no that's a

[34:04] different movie but you thought your family was crazy but mom and dad saved the universe so it's

[34:09] okay was it mom dad saved the universe save the world save the world right yeah and stay tuned

[34:14] you thought your family was weird oh what i think say crazy oh and you know oh sorry i'm getting all

[34:20] my movies that you're all your bad movies all the movies that i looked at the boxes of the video

[34:25] store a ton of times then when i finally watched them was disappointed you didn't see mom dad save

[34:29] the world in the theater no actually i didn't see that until it's on hbo and then i saw it a couple

[34:33] times yeah that's a movie that in my mind will always be linked with stay tuned even though they

[34:38] have nothing to do with each other why i said it that's why stewart mentioned stay tuned right now

[34:43] yeah yeah stay tuned i saw stay tuned's a movie where john ritter dresses up like salt and peppa

[34:49] yeah stay tuned was a movie that has a chuck jones interlude in it sure and my then godzilla

[34:54] shows up in there some kind of giant monster that's and jeffrey jones is in it that's a movie

[34:59] that my family saw that in the theater does jeffrey jones play a good guy no he plays the

[35:04] villain as is usually the case like in the real world uh we saw that movie my family and mtv's

[35:13] the real world let me give you where he came in and he molested all the cast members they're not

[35:18] even kids sorry it really makes ferris bueller feel very different yeah it does to have a movie

[35:27] where jeffrey jones is chasing a high school boy for the entire movie and says literally one point

[35:33] your ass is mine uh now anyway when my family went to stay tuned to the theaters guess what

[35:39] our reaction was did you not stay tuned we loved it and it became a regularly rented film in our

[35:46] house i actually yeah i've got a lot of fondness for stay tuned it is a is that the number one

[35:50] rented movie in your household by far the gremlins duology was the numbers the most rented by me

[35:56] i would rent gremlins almost every week at different points and my family it took a long

[36:01] time for my parents to be like we should just buy you a copy of gremlins because that would cost

[36:05] 20 and you've been spending four dollars a week for 30 weeks yeah really because there was that

[36:11] long it it was really weird the the break between when vhs tapes were like a hundred dollars at a

[36:18] store if you wanted to buy a new one well that was built in for the rental market yeah to give

[36:23] rental stores time to make money it was agreed okay we'll put them out for like a hundred bucks

[36:28] and then after a few months they'll cost like ten dollars yeah or fifteen dollars i i think in in

[36:33] my house the number one rented movie was uh ski patrol okay interesting uh my uh me and my brother

[36:40] watched that movie all the time.

[36:42] Although I don't remember it, but I'm sure

[36:44] if I watched it, I would remember every single moment.

[36:47] And Dan, what was yours?

[36:48] I don't think we rented movies over and over again.

[36:51] I don't think we did multiple rentals of the same movie.

[36:55] I mean, I had

[36:57] movies that I taped off of television

[36:59] that I watched over and over again, like

[37:00] Heathers or Army of Darkness.

[37:02] But, yeah, Night Eyes.

[37:05] I was a little younger than Heathers

[37:07] and Army of Darkness age when I was renting Gremlins.

[37:09] Yeah, well, you're a little younger than me.

[37:11] Okay.

[37:12] I guess those movies didn't kick in where I was until I was a little kid.

[37:16] It's just a factual thing.

[37:17] It's not a judgment call.

[37:19] What did you watch a lot when you were a little kid?

[37:21] I don't know, like The Muppets or something?

[37:25] Yeah, didn't you watch Repossessed a million times with Leslie Nielsen

[37:28] and all that hilarious nudity?

[37:29] Hilarious nudity.

[37:32] I mean, they're jokes.

[37:33] There's joke sound effects when there's nudity.

[37:35] Yeah, that's right.

[37:38] Because boobs are automatically funny if there's a boiling sound that goes along with it.

[37:42] It was the Portlandia of its day in that they threw a lot of cartoon sound effects into it.

[37:46] Which is one of my favorite things about Portlandia.

[37:49] Anyway, so, Max Steele, turns out his dad's an alien.

[37:53] He's half alien, and that's how he can control tachyon power.

[37:56] And we're set up.

[37:57] Oh, and he goes over to that girl who he's been flirting with the whole movie.

[38:01] And he shows her a picture he drew of her surrounded by polygons, tetrahedrons.

[38:05] And we know that that represents his semen, but she doesn't know that.

[38:08] So she thinks it's adorable.

[38:09] And she kisses him, and that's the end of the movie.

[38:12] Feed the black.

[38:13] Yeah.

[38:14] And then you see Andy Garcia's claw bursts out of the ground.

[38:18] Oh, I wish.

[38:18] And it says, Max Steel returning.

[38:21] Nothing.

[38:22] Max Steel 2 stealing it.

[38:25] Max Steel 2, steal, steal.

[38:27] Steal alive.

[38:29] Steal alive is probably the best one.

[38:32] Electric steal-a-loo.

[38:33] Nope.

[38:34] Go back.

[38:35] It might want to reverse.

[38:37] So, Mac Steele was kind of like, here's how I describe it best.

[38:41] Yep.

[38:41] You're at your grandparents for the weekend and you're a kid.

[38:44] Okay.

[38:45] And Grammy wants to take a nap.

[38:47] And she knows you don't want to take a nap.

[38:48] So, she turns on the TV.

[38:50] Hey, it looks like there's some kind of Superman hero movie on.

[38:54] You like them Marvel Supermans.

[38:56] Yes.

[38:56] Why don't you watch this while Grammy closes or rests her eyes a little bit.

[38:59] And then you do.

[39:01] You're making me very sad about this fictional Grammy.

[39:05] Grammys like to nap.

[39:07] Now, I know this happened to me many times.

[39:10] I'd spend the weekend at my grandma's and she would be like, Grammy needs to rest her eyes.

[39:15] Why don't we let's see what dinosaur related movie is on television?

[39:19] Because there weren't a lot of superhero movies at the time.

[39:21] And anything that was remotely related to dinosaurs, just turn it on.

[39:25] I'd watch that for hours.

[39:26] Would she then retire to her bedroom where she would look at like a cameo or something of her boyfriend from the war?

[39:36] You guys are genuinely making me sad about this fictional character.

[39:39] Wait, did this, would this fictional Grammy also, uh.

[39:43] Has won a Grammy, yes.

[39:45] Wow.

[39:46] First spoken word.

[39:48] Okay.

[39:49] Yeah, she was in contention with Henry Rollins, but she beat him out.

[39:53] She beat Henry Rollins in Jell-O by Afra.

[39:55] She, uh, so would this Grammy, uh, at the, you know, after the kids have gone to bed,

[40:01] sneak outside and, uh, wait, no, no, no.

[40:03] Let me go back.

[40:04] Would she go out there with the kids and plant scraps of crayons in the ground,

[40:10] and then when the kids are asleep, go out and replace them with little crayons

[40:13] sticking up out of the ground?

[40:14] Because that's what my Grammy used to do.

[40:16] Oh, that's really sweet.

[40:17] No, that's really cute.

[40:18] The Grammy, in my memory, lived in an apartment building,

[40:22] so we couldn't do that.

[40:23] There is not a single square yard of tillable earth.

[40:28] No, in the East 50s in Manhattan, no, there is not.

[40:32] Okay, all right.

[40:33] Not when you're on the 13th or 14th floor of a building.

[40:36] So let's stop talking about our grandmas.

[40:39] I realize you haven't said anything about your grandma, Dan.

[40:43] Dan, tell us one nice thing about a grandma.

[40:48] Because it sounds like you've got a lot of rage towards grandmas.

[40:51] No, I don't have a lot of rage towards grandmas.

[40:53] Someone's getting a little angry right now.

[40:57] I'm sad at this picture that you're painting of this fictional grandma.

[41:00] She's got a loving grandchild.

[41:02] She's got a nice life.

[41:03] she gets to rest for a little bit.

[41:04] Sounds to me like this is heaven.

[41:06] Sounds pretty...

[41:07] Sounds like heaven.

[41:09] I just don't like...

[41:10] As someone with a small child,

[41:13] I would love to be able to say,

[41:14] here, watch this.

[41:15] I'm going to go rest my eyes for a little bit.

[41:17] And I did do that this weekend with the movie Cars.

[41:18] For some people, it's walking through a field of wheat

[41:20] and run your hands through it.

[41:21] For other people, it's resting your eyes

[41:24] while a kid watches a ton of movies.

[41:26] Let's do a final judgment on this.

[41:28] Whether this is a good, bad movie,

[41:30] a bad, bad movie,

[41:31] or a movie you kind of like.

[41:32] Stuart, what do you think?

[41:33] uh it's like the movie on one hand i like i like all the jizzing whether it's our hero like

[41:45] coming to terms with his jizzing abilities coming to terms yep or whether it's the sequences where

[41:52] the dudes with their tachyon powers just give all their extra tachyon powers and totally look like

[42:00] they're in a porno movie. I think that's hilarious.

[42:02] But it's...

[42:04] So you were saying you would watch a super cut of those

[42:06] scenes. Yeah, totally.

[42:08] But

[42:09] no, this is not a very good movie. Bad, bad.

[42:12] This movie

[42:14] is interesting in that

[42:16] it's like

[42:18] an interesting experiment in cutting

[42:20] a movie down to the barest

[42:22] minimum of thing that needs

[42:24] to be in it to be a movie.

[42:26] But that experiment

[42:28] almost relies on you having seen

[42:30] other movies beforehand to fill in

[42:32] those gaps for yourself.

[42:34] That's kind of how I

[42:36] describe a lot of Zack Snyder movies. I feel like

[42:38] he makes logical leaps

[42:40] with his filmmaking where he

[42:42] is just like, ah, people have seen enough

[42:44] movies, they're going to know what I'm talking about.

[42:46] But he's doing that so he can get to a super

[42:48] badass slow-mo fight in a men's

[42:50] bathroom. Uh-huh, but

[42:52] I would prefer it to be a slow-mo

[42:54] fight between a dude

[42:56] just coming super hard

[42:58] into Andy Garcia.

[42:59] Out of his chest

[42:59] into Andy Garcia.

[43:01] Rather than Andy Garcia

[43:03] and the other guy

[43:03] just like sort of like

[43:04] squinting at each other

[43:05] really hard.

[43:06] Not interested.

[43:07] Yeah, this movie

[43:09] moved fast enough

[43:10] that I didn't hate it

[43:11] but it's a bad,

[43:12] bad movie at heart.

[43:13] I feel like

[43:14] I can't even grade it

[43:15] because it like

[43:16] barely exists as a movie.

[43:18] It's like

[43:19] it is so basic

[43:20] and so generic

[43:21] that it like

[43:22] doesn't reach the level

[43:24] that I want to even

[43:25] deign to call it bad.

[43:26] I mean, according to Rotten Tomatoes, it's 0%.

[43:28] That means it doesn't exist, right?

[43:30] Yeah, scientifically.

[43:31] There's an MSG3K episode called The Screaming Skull

[43:36] where a lot of the movie is just this woman wandering around a house,

[43:38] not in a good House of the Devil way.

[43:40] And someone refers to, one of the bots, I think,

[43:44] makes a joke about this is what happens when you have five minutes of movie

[43:48] and then you put an hour and a half of packing peanuts in to fill it up.

[43:51] And that's what this movie feels like.

[43:53] It feels like you had a few of the basic ingredients for a movie,

[43:57] and you're like, I'll just put in movie filler.

[44:00] I'll just fill in the rest with sawdust.

[44:02] That's this movie.

[44:03] A stirring rebuke to Max Steele.

[44:09] Deal with it, Max Steele.

[44:11] But we should move on.

[44:14] That being said, it was screenwritten by a comic book writer

[44:17] whose series Scarlet Spider I enjoyed.

[44:19] So there's that.

[44:21] Sure.

[44:23] Ben, we've been accused of so many things

[44:31] Over the course of making The Greatest Generation

[44:33] The Star Trek podcast

[44:34] That we're a little bit embarrassed to be making

[44:37] The embarrassment lies squarely on us

[44:39] And you can listen anonymously and safely

[44:42] Would you like to meet up for some anonymous podcast listening?

[44:45] This is a podcast you definitely won't want your parents to find on your phone

[44:49] When you pass away suddenly

[44:51] Discovered by an innocent hotel maid

[44:54] They'll make up something else at your funeral

[44:57] Something more tasteful

[44:58] Like you were listening to Bullseye

[44:59] We, of course, have permanently shamed ourselves

[45:02] By making this podcast

[45:03] And putting our real names on it

[45:05] But you don't have to

[45:07] It's a regret we feel several times a week

[45:09] Subscribe and delete

[45:11] The Greatest Generation

[45:12] A Star Trek podcast

[45:13] Yes, we are actually making

[45:16] A Star Trek podcast

[45:17] We should submit that one

[45:19] big news in the world of max fun the max fun drive is coming up and we are working hard on

[45:31] some of the best episodes of the year and when i say we not just us everyone on max fun is putting

[45:37] together some of the top episodes i don't even guess they're working harder than us no we i mean

[45:43] we've got a we've got a trick or two up our sleeve but i would yeah i would i wouldn't i wouldn't

[45:48] argue with that uh stewart seems like he has something i mean you might want to say that we

[45:53] like one of the things that we're doing because so people aren't like don't like shit their pants

[45:59] when it happens oh yeah because that's what happens with people uh we're gonna be doing

[46:04] an extra episode we're putting out an extra episode people that's extra work on our part

[46:11] It is actually extra work.

[46:12] What?

[46:12] Because being part of the MaxFun is, at least, I'm going to speak for myself, and I think the guys will back me up.

[46:23] Nope.

[46:24] Being part of the Maximum Fun Network is a big deal for us.

[46:27] It feels like a great community.

[46:29] They're really supportive of us, and they make it easy for us to be supported by our listeners.

[46:36] So if we can try and do a little bit of extra stuff for you guys,

[46:42] I think it's awesome.

[46:45] And so I thought this was a great opportunity

[46:48] to do another extra special episode.

[46:50] Yeah, the drive actually starts a couple days after this drops.

[46:55] It starts on Monday.

[46:57] And tune in during the drive.

[46:59] We're going to call it Fun Day for MaxFun.

[47:01] Sure, why not?

[47:03] Where are you going to call it that?

[47:04] All over the place.

[47:06] Denny's Nationwide

[47:08] at the place you're buying soup

[47:09] at the community pool

[47:12] down at the docks

[47:14] when I do my show at the VFW

[47:16] over at

[47:18] the wine tasting

[47:20] I'm going to climb to the top of

[47:22] Liberty's Torch and just shout

[47:24] it to the heavens

[47:25] tune in during the drive to catch these extra

[47:28] awesome episodes and hear about the exclusive

[47:30] thank you gifts we have

[47:32] in store for new and upgrading members

[47:34] they're amazing stuff

[47:36] plus this will be your chance to show your support for the flop house and help max fun reach its

[47:42] highest goal ever which is 10 000 new and upgrading max fun members you can do it talk up max fun to

[47:49] the people who love it and if you listen to us and you're not a max fun donor hey consider being a

[47:53] max fun donor you're helping keep us in business so the drive kicks off on march the 20th and runs

[48:01] for two weeks.

[48:02] Visit MaximumFun.org for details

[48:05] and don't miss it.

[48:06] And also, there's a MaxFun meetup day.

[48:09] Let's mention that quickly.

[48:10] Yeah, the

[48:12] March 28th is

[48:15] the official MaxFun meetup day, so

[48:16] look in your local area, check

[48:19] on MaximumFun.org

[48:21] MaximumFun.org

[48:23] slash meetups 2017.

[48:24] And specifically

[48:26] in Brooklyn, if you

[48:29] come down to Hinterlands, that's the bar

[48:31] that I own.

[48:32] I'm going to be there.

[48:34] There's going to be

[48:35] a couple other

[48:35] Max Fun personalities

[48:36] including I think

[48:38] you two guys.

[48:39] I can't promise anything.

[48:43] I'm going to be there.

[48:44] I don't know about Elliot.

[48:45] What day of the week is it?

[48:46] It's a Tuesday night.

[48:47] I just said it

[48:49] and I said the date.

[48:50] Elliot is like

[48:51] Mr. Mix-a-Pit-lick.

[48:52] He may show up.

[48:53] He might not.

[48:53] But he's a crazy little imp.

[48:55] That's not really

[48:55] a great way to describe

[48:56] Mr. Mix-a-Pit-lick.

[48:57] Well, what we're going to do

[48:59] is we're going to

[49:00] leave the door open

[49:01] and we're going to leave a seat free for Elliot, like Elijah.

[49:04] Thank you.

[49:05] And a glass of wine, which I will not drink.

[49:06] A glass of Guinness that Elliot might drink.

[49:10] Oh, that I'll probably drink.

[49:12] My presence possible.

[49:16] And I think a couple other local, and by local I mean New York-based,

[49:20] Max Funn podcasters told me they may come by.

[49:25] Wow, it's been a lot of commitments coming out of these two.

[49:29] The most exciting thing is...

[49:30] I'll be there.

[49:31] Well, you'll meet Dan.

[49:32] He's got lots of time.

[49:33] And the most exciting thing is

[49:35] you'll be able to make other friends

[49:38] in the MaxFun community

[49:39] because MaxFun is not just about

[49:41] listening to stuff

[49:42] and then shutting yourself off

[49:44] from the rest of the world.

[49:44] It's about connecting,

[49:45] communicating,

[49:46] and convivializing.

[49:48] That means living together.

[49:50] Oh, that's nice.

[49:51] And one of the nice things

[49:52] about my bar, Hinterlands,

[49:53] is I think it's the only bar

[49:55] where you can have a MaxFun podcaster

[49:57] cook your sandwich for you.

[49:59] I think that until John Hodgman opens up his sandwich restaurant, yes.

[50:04] I mean, he's going to be working the grill on that Tuesday.

[50:08] Then I would definitely stop by.

[50:10] If he was working the grill like an old-time diner cook,

[50:13] and he had like a half apron and an undershirt.

[50:15] It would drive me crazy.

[50:16] And then you're like, add them in eggs on a raft and wreck them.

[50:19] I can only imagine being his boss and just being like,

[50:24] Oh, John, you're talking too much.

[50:26] You've got to cook.

[50:28] You're bullying the customers.

[50:30] Stop judging their orders.

[50:33] Before we move on, one last sort of podcast-related piece of business,

[50:40] and that is our comic book is still available.

[50:43] It has yet to be yanked from the digital shelves

[50:46] and put in the Flophouse vault for a new generation of fans.

[50:50] If you go to www.flophousepodcast.com,

[50:55] you have the chance to get our comic that...

[50:59] It's the first of what's going to be a series of Flophouse stories.

[51:02] This first one was written by Daniel K. McCoy.

[51:04] Correct.

[51:05] The theme for these first stories is horror, and so...

[51:10] So it gives us a chance to exercise our Tales from the Crypt muscles.

[51:14] Uh-huh, and Dan's is out first, art by the amazing Roger Langridge,

[51:19] and Stuart's is up next, and then mine will be third.

[51:23] And each one, you can pay anything you want from a dollar on up.

[51:27] All the money goes to the ACLU.

[51:30] All the money after costs are covered, which they already have.

[51:33] They have been.

[51:33] So all the additional money from now on is definitely going to the ACLU.

[51:37] Most of the money that has already been given to us is going straight to the ACLU.

[51:41] And everything from this point on is going to the ACLU to support their work in keeping America free and legal.

[51:50] Their job is to uphold the Bill of Rights.

[51:54] Well, their job is to go to court to get the Bill of Rights upheld.

[52:00] Sure.

[52:01] I mean, they don't have the power to do it themselves, so they bring lawsuits to the courts.

[52:06] I'm just saying that I think that anyone, honestly on any part of the political spectrum, should be a supporter of the ACLU if you believe in the rights that are put down.

[52:20] If you believe in the fundamental rights of the United States of America.

[52:22] I'm with you. I did date a woman who worked for fundraising for the ACLU for a lot of years.

[52:28] She had to deal with a lot of phone calls from people telling her she worked for Satan.

[52:31] So that's a funny line of conversation.

[52:36] anyway well if you don't think that there's satan or if you do and you like satan go ahead and read

[52:42] the exciting story what's called cosmic bowl cosmic bowl is the name of the first written by

[52:46] dan mccoy and all that money goes to a good cause and there'll be more stories coming out

[52:51] so that hopefully won't be too much of a disappointment after dan's great little story

[52:56] dan's is really good stewart story is a lot of fun and mine might go too far so let's see if you want

[53:03] to see it, then you've got to keep

[53:04] honing up that cash.

[53:06] And hopefully the idea is if this does well enough

[53:09] that we can really

[53:10] give a lot of good money.

[53:13] Give us an excuse to keep getting to do more of this.

[53:14] We'll pick another theme and then we'll all do those.

[53:17] But Stuart, I think you have our first

[53:21] actual sponsor of the evening.

[53:23] You can tell I am shifting back

[53:25] and forth in my seat because I can't wait

[53:27] to talk about this. Hey Dan,

[53:28] are you hiring?

[53:30] I mean, not currently.

[53:32] up. Okay. Do you

[53:34] know where to post that job you were

[53:36] talking about to find the best candidate?

[53:38] I don't. What website you should post

[53:40] on? No, I don't know that. You know,

[53:42] Dan. Okay.

[53:44] Posting your job in only one

[53:46] place, that's not enough to find

[53:48] a great candidate. But I'm lazy. I just

[53:50] want to post it in one place. Calm

[53:52] down, Dan.

[53:53] If you want to find the perfect

[53:56] person, you need to

[53:58] post your job on all

[54:00] the top job sites. And you know

[54:02] what dan what cut it out dan now you can i can yes you can post your job on all the top job sites

[54:12] using zip recruiter oh but my clicking finger i probably have that'll hurt my clicking finger oh

[54:19] no dan you've been complaining about this finger forever now you can post this job on 200 plus job

[54:24] sites including social media networks like your favorites dan like facebook and facebook yeah the

[54:32] Twitters?

[54:32] Yep, Twitters.

[54:34] Those are the laziest parody versions of those two websites.

[54:37] Twitters sounds like someplace people in the Midwest would go on vacation nearby.

[54:43] Oh, we're going up to the Twitters.

[54:45] Boys, and you can do that all with just a single click.

[54:50] So that click and finger, just one single click.

[54:53] How is that possible?

[54:54] I don't know the technology of it.

[54:59] I'm just kind of like a mouthpiece slash spokesperson.

[55:02] All you had to say was it's possible because of ZipRecruiter.

[55:05] So if you need to find people in any city or industry nationwide,

[55:10] you can just post lunch.

[55:12] Post lunch, yeah, sure.

[55:14] It's like lunch without the L, which is the worst part of lunch.

[55:17] Because L stands for loser.

[55:20] So lose that and you've got a delicious lunch.

[55:22] I'm talking to Doug in the booth.

[55:24] Can you just pause that and rewind it?

[55:26] We'll do it another time.

[55:27] Thanks, Doug.

[55:28] Doug Jones, everyone.

[55:29] Wow.

[55:30] Really?

[55:31] unnoted uh prosthetic uh actor doug jones mocap actor yeah doug jones so you can just post lunch

[55:39] oh no hey guys has this ever happened to you you want to have a delicious unch but you only have

[55:46] lunch it's time to lose the l and get unchified with new craft unch it's the only unch that comes

[55:55] pre-DL'd so you don't end up with a lame

[55:57] lunch. Hey, everybody,

[56:00] it's time for your unch break.

[56:01] Okay. Hey,

[56:03] the unch back of Notre Dame called.

[56:05] He carries unch around on his

[56:07] back so you can

[56:09] buy it to eat in the middle of the day.

[56:11] Doug, yeah, okay, just

[56:13] I'll do it again, okay.

[56:14] The ghost of Douglas Adams.

[56:17] Okay, no,

[56:19] Doug, okay, I'll start over.

[56:21] And right now, our listeners can post jobs on

[56:23] ZipRecruiter for free. That's you, the listeners,

[56:26] for free by going to

[56:27] ZipRecruiter.com

[56:29] slash first.

[56:31] How many times do we have to click?

[56:33] Just once. Okay.

[56:35] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[56:38] One more time to try

[56:40] it for free. Go to

[56:42] ZipRecruiter slash

[56:44] what was that, Dan?

[56:45] ZipRecruiter.com

[56:47] slash first. Yes.

[56:49] Perfect. Okay. I nailed

[56:51] that one. Thanks, Doug.

[56:53] Where I Live's Dougie Doug, everybody.

[56:56] Our show tonight, or whenever you're listening to this, is also sponsored in part by Blue Apron.

[57:01] Not all ingredients are created equal.

[57:04] Fresh, high-quality ingredients make a real difference.

[57:07] So it's important to know where your food comes from.

[57:10] Now, Blue Apron is affordable.

[57:13] For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes

[57:19] along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[57:23] You get the ingredients in the mail from Blue Apron, and then you got to zing them up.

[57:29] You don't have to zing them up.

[57:31] You just put them together.

[57:32] You put them together.

[57:32] All the zing comes portioned out for you already.

[57:34] You put them together, and you zing them up, and you get a delicious.

[57:37] You don't have to zing them up.

[57:38] It comes zinged.

[57:39] A delicious meal.

[57:40] Look, you guys, how does this ever happen to you?

[57:43] You're hungry.

[57:44] Probably, Matt.

[57:44] Go on.

[57:45] You're hungry, and you don't have any food, and you get a case of Blue Apron.

[57:48] All right.

[57:49] That's when you're really hungry, and you really want it, and you're waiting for it.

[57:52] Maybe you even saw a bunch of things about food on TV,

[57:54] so you're really in the mood for food.

[57:56] Yeah, you're watching the Great British Bake Off,

[57:57] and you're like, why did I do this to myself?

[57:59] There's no food, so you get a case of Blue Apron.

[58:01] It happens. It's real.

[58:02] Anyway, you don't have to worry about that if you get Blue Apron deliveries,

[58:06] because the food is literally coming straight to your door.

[58:09] It's in your house.

[58:11] Here's some upcoming meals.

[58:12] You've got your salmon piccata with orzo and broccoli.

[58:15] Yum.

[58:16] Pork chops and miso butter with bok choy and marinated apple.

[58:20] That sounds great.

[58:21] Vegetable chili with baked sweet potatoes and crispy tortilla strips.

[58:26] Spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice.

[58:30] Listen, you want this food.

[58:32] I know it.

[58:33] So you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free

[58:37] with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[58:42] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[58:46] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[58:48] Build it, beautiful.

[58:49] No, incorrect.

[58:51] wrong slogan um but now uh before we move on i think we have a couple of jumbotrons too

[58:59] uh stewart since elliot's on his phone i think that that means that you should read

[59:04] coming down the pipe sorry five by five we got a j-j-j-jumbotron this message is for tall tom

[59:13] the message is from j-dog hey dude can you believe i'm paying 100 bucks to talk to you

[59:21] through the original peaches i've been drinking white boxed wine and i'm trying to do this via

[59:26] my phone i have to write everything into a tiny text box sad happy birthday how old are you

[59:35] hi i'm stewart wellington and i eat boogers wow no i'm kidding i love you guys and hope you never

[59:44] stop. Pardon.

[59:45] Well, I do appreciate

[59:48] how every, almost

[59:50] every time when the word

[59:51] U is in there, they replaced it with the

[59:54] letter U, but not every single time.

[59:55] So, excellent job, J-Dog.

[59:58] Yeah. And Tall Tom,

[59:59] happy birthday, bud.

[1:00:01] And that confession in the middle where you

[1:00:03] admit that you eat boogers. The thing is,

[1:00:06] they gotta

[1:00:08] go somewhere. They're just taking up room

[1:00:10] in my nose and they're not paying rent.

[1:00:11] Hey, why not just move them a little bit farther down?

[1:00:14] Yeah, it's just recycling.

[1:00:15] It's a type of recycling.

[1:00:16] Yeah, you know, it's kind of like, have you ever read Dune?

[1:00:20] I think, Dan, you just got done reading it.

[1:00:22] I just finished reading Dune.

[1:00:23] It's similar to how, like, the Fremen take shits and pisses in their little outfits.

[1:00:27] I mean, I don't think that was how they described it.

[1:00:31] They never say little outfits.

[1:00:33] Their little outfits take all that garbage and they turn it into delicious water to drink.

[1:00:39] Yeah.

[1:00:41] I don't think Frank Herbert was like,

[1:00:43] there was a bunch of shits and pisses

[1:00:45] and the Freeland just soaked him up again.

[1:00:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:00:47] Because he was writing in old-timey language

[1:00:49] and I'm writing in modern-day English.

[1:00:51] New-time slang terms.

[1:00:53] Yeah, leet-speak.

[1:00:54] Yeah.

[1:00:54] So what I'm just trying to say is,

[1:00:57] you know, maybe give boogers a chance.

[1:01:01] Okay.

[1:01:03] This is a terrible episode.

[1:01:03] This is a gross episode.

[1:01:05] It's all about eating poop and boogers.

[1:01:07] How about I read this other Jumbotron, shall we?

[1:01:09] Sure.

[1:01:10] this is a message for john and in parentheses a thin who is this message from valerie parentheses

[1:01:15] from montreal and here's the message what better way to wish you a happy birthday than on your

[1:01:21] favorite podcast you make my days so much more fun and my life so much more meaningful you also

[1:01:26] introduced me to podcasts thanks to you people in the metro and on the street all think i'm a crazy

[1:01:31] person hearing voices and laughing for no reason i love you bonfet kitty oh that's very nice to john

[1:01:38] from valerie very sweet and very french yeah well the last part especially i mean i'm glad you didn't

[1:01:45] make me read that i would have pronounced that weird yeah how would you pronounce it i don't

[1:01:50] know i don't have the letter in front of me bonnie bonnie fete probably yeah um so we should move on

[1:02:00] what's the next part of this podcast dan the next part of this podcast is letters from listeners

[1:02:06] where we read letters that you, the listeners, have sent in to us.

[1:02:11] And the first one goes a little something like this.

[1:02:16] I've gotten a cavalcade of shorter letters this time.

[1:02:22] Okay.

[1:02:23] Thanks for staring at me while you said that.

[1:02:25] Sure.

[1:02:27] The first letter goes like this.

[1:02:31] I think Elliot's working on his screenplay on his phone over there.

[1:02:35] Yeah.

[1:02:36] on a recent episode stewart recommended the movie session nine a movie about asbestos work

[1:02:42] a movie about asbestos workers that gets spooky as someone who works in the trade there's a scene

[1:02:50] in the movie got found unintentionally hilarious there's a movie where there's a moment where david

[1:02:55] caruso looks at some stuff and remarks yep that's 100 crocodile light pronounced like a crocodile

[1:03:02] version of dolomite there are several problems with this not least of which being the correct

[1:03:07] pronunciation is chrysidolite that's abatement 101 stuff and these guys are supposed to be

[1:03:15] professionals so it kind of took me out of it maybe that's like a nickname they had for it

[1:03:20] yeah go on my question to you guys is has there ever been a moment in a movie where you realized

[1:03:26] you knew more about some obscure thing than the writers did and your suspension of disbelief came

[1:03:31] crashing down

[1:03:32] that's from

[1:03:35] Aaron

[1:03:35] last name

[1:03:35] withheld

[1:03:36] hmm

[1:03:38] well

[1:03:39] that happens

[1:03:40] to me a lot

[1:03:41] in movies

[1:03:42] that involve

[1:03:42] historical facts

[1:03:44] yeah

[1:03:45] in some way

[1:03:45] but where it hit me

[1:03:47] a lot when I was a kid

[1:03:48] is when

[1:03:49] it would be a movie

[1:03:49] about dinosaurs

[1:03:51] like the aforementioned

[1:03:52] movies I would watch

[1:03:52] while my Grammy

[1:03:53] was taking a nap

[1:03:54] in which you just

[1:03:55] see things that were

[1:03:56] not true about dinosaurs

[1:03:57] and I'd be like

[1:03:58] but that's not

[1:03:59] that's not how

[1:04:00] dinosaurs work

[1:04:01] like when you're watching the x-men animated series and you're like but that's not how it

[1:04:06] happened in the comics there was a little bit of that too i'm like the days of future past

[1:04:10] didn't involve bishop but if it did um i mean i've i've joked about how uh anytime there's a

[1:04:20] scene where a bartender is is working and a character says leave the bottle and the bartender

[1:04:26] just is like okay and leaves a bottle of liquor on the bar and you're like that's crazy what would

[1:04:32] you charge that person um so that always is weird or when you know anytime a person goes up to a bar

[1:04:40] and just orders a beer you're like what do you i mean there's a bunch on tap it isn't like

[1:04:46] fucking 10 years ago when bars would have four beers on tap and it'd be like bud and bud light

[1:04:52] i'm just saying i mean you can't go into a bar and just say i'll have one

[1:04:57] one what like a pickled egg maybe one bowl of pretzels it's the old surprise me i'm like

[1:05:07] surprise me bartender give me all i know is i want one or something some loaded jalapeno poppers

[1:05:12] here's a fucking glass of chartreuse enjoy it i mean that will get you super drunk

[1:05:20] If it's a pint glass

[1:05:22] That's a refrain

[1:05:23] A pint glass of the most herbal drink

[1:05:27] Yeah, that sounds good

[1:05:28] You don't like the herbal stuff though

[1:05:30] I do, I just don't like Fernet

[1:05:32] You don't like Fernet Branca?

[1:05:34] No

[1:05:34] Do you like Chinar?

[1:05:36] I don't even know what you're saying

[1:05:38] Chinar is an artichoke liqueur

[1:05:42] So it combines two things you like

[1:05:44] Liquor and artichokes

[1:05:45] No, thank you

[1:05:46] Hey, how come there's no fried chicken liqueur?

[1:05:50] i'm i guarantee you there is some kind of fried chicken flavored uh something or other i'm sure

[1:05:56] there's already like bacon flavored garbage that you can drink if you're like why didn't

[1:06:01] blake bacon flavored garbage i mean that's a lot of garbage in america is bacon flavored

[1:06:06] people eat and throw out a lot of bacon um should we move on i mean you didn't you didn't answer oh

[1:06:16] i don't have an answer i just ask the questions i'm like the watcher okay uh i think that kind

[1:06:24] of checks out right let's see lives alone on the moon yes check big bald head check dresses like

[1:06:30] kind of a roman baby man check okay breaks his vow all the time check also i just didn't have

[1:06:37] a good answer for this question oh okay so much like the watcher this one if he's the watcher

[1:06:43] Would I be the guy from What The, the superhero guy who has a pot on his head?

[1:06:48] Forbush Man?

[1:06:49] Yeah.

[1:06:49] Yes, sure.

[1:06:50] And you can be Spider-Ham.

[1:06:52] Thank you.

[1:06:53] I would love that.

[1:06:54] Peter Porker, the spectacular Spider-Ham?

[1:06:56] Definitely.

[1:06:57] This next letter is from Carl, last name withheld.

[1:07:01] You know, you reminded me of the Spider-Ham story I wrote that was drawn but never published.

[1:07:04] That seems crazy.

[1:07:06] Here's a tale of Marvel books unpublished.

[1:07:09] Wind it out.

[1:07:11] Wind us a tale.

[1:07:11] There was a Spider-Ham special that was being put out.

[1:07:14] Art by Dave McKean.

[1:07:16] Yeah, Dave McKean, all of the favorites.

[1:07:20] Bill Sienkiewicz, all the classic Spider-Ham artists.

[1:07:23] Bill Dana, whatever his name is.

[1:07:27] Bill Sienkiewicz seems to be only doing art about conservative politicians he hates now.

[1:07:33] I think there's a lot of artists doing that right now.

[1:07:37] So they were doing a Spider-Ham special, and I was asked,

[1:07:40] hey, would you like to write a Spider-Ham story?

[1:07:41] I said, yes, I would, very much so.

[1:07:43] And they said, I don't think it was my idea.

[1:07:46] I think they said, hey, would you want to do a takeoff of Old Man Logan,

[1:07:50] which had just come out recently, called Old Man Spider-Ham?

[1:07:53] And I was like, I would very much like to do that.

[1:07:55] And so it was an Old Man Spider-Ham story where he's given up.

[1:07:58] He's like, I've retired from adventuring.

[1:08:00] You know what?

[1:08:02] Someone would have to try pretty hard to get me one last adventure.

[1:08:04] But it's clear he really wants to go back to adventuring,

[1:08:07] and he leaves his house to go find someone to drag him back into adventuring.

[1:08:11] And I was told that it was decided by the higher-ups that they might want to do more with the Old Man Logan character, and they did not want to get on the bad side of the creators of that character.

[1:08:19] They were going to shelve this story for now, and maybe someday it would see the light a day later.

[1:08:24] I was paid for it.

[1:08:25] It was drawn by Scotty Young.

[1:08:27] Oh, shit, dude.

[1:08:29] And it just never got printed anymore.

[1:08:32] I like the idea, though, that the creators of Old Man Logan would be, like, reading a spectacular Spider-Ham story and being like, what the fuck?

[1:08:41] This is not okay.

[1:08:42] And just, like, throw it across the room.

[1:08:44] Drawn by, like, award winner Scotty Young.

[1:08:47] And he did an amazing job.

[1:08:49] Like, it looks great.

[1:08:50] That's fucking crazy.

[1:08:52] So, nobody's seeing that anytime.

[1:08:54] Ugh.

[1:08:55] Right.

[1:08:56] Well, maybe with the success of the movie Logan,

[1:08:58] that their interest in mining the old man Logan vein has gone down.

[1:09:04] I mean, old man Logan is now a regular character in the Marvel Universe.

[1:09:07] He has his own series.

[1:09:08] And as it's been shown, if a character has his own series,

[1:09:11] you can't make fun of him.

[1:09:12] That's just the way it works.

[1:09:13] Unless it's Deadpool making fun of himself.

[1:09:16] Exactly.

[1:09:17] Deadpool showed up in this story, too.

[1:09:18] Wait, in the Spider-Ham story?

[1:09:21] In the Spider-Ham story.

[1:09:21] In the end, it turned into a joke about how Deadpool's like,

[1:09:24] Are you trying to do a comic book without Deadpool

[1:09:26] appearing in it? We can't have that right now.

[1:09:28] We've been talking a long time

[1:09:30] and we haven't actually

[1:09:32] ever read the letter

[1:09:34] that this is attached to.

[1:09:36] So keep going.

[1:09:38] Okay, so do it.

[1:09:39] Rockapella.

[1:09:40] Well, she's been around

[1:09:44] the world from something to something

[1:09:46] vania and she's something

[1:09:48] something up down where the up down

[1:09:50] down the thing.

[1:09:51] Anyway.

[1:09:53] She went on to Belgium and then back to Tanzania.

[1:09:56] Tell me, where in the world is that lady who wears a hat?

[1:10:01] Well, her name is San Diego, so maybe she's in San Diego.

[1:10:05] We looked in San Diego, but it's a big city, so we'll need a little bit more time to look for Carmen San Diego in San Diego.

[1:10:13] Where in San Diego is Carmen San Diego?

[1:10:19] Well, we think we narrowed it down to the city in her name-o.

[1:10:23] We think she's in this place that's called San Diego, too.

[1:10:27] It's the city in her name-o.

[1:10:30] That might be my favorite thing that's happened to me.

[1:10:32] We're on the track right now for Carmen Sandiego.

[1:10:35] Come along and join us.

[1:10:37] You can look for her, too.

[1:10:39] Where in San Diego is Carmen Sandiego?

[1:10:45] We checked around the convention center and over by the shore.

[1:10:49] all right anyway hi original peaches i think it's i think it's great that you're making the

[1:10:58] episodes longer uh-oh how come you're making them longer best regards carl last name with help

[1:11:03] well because we have these san diego songs it's a weird kind of laziness that involves us doing

[1:11:10] less work of editing ourselves and to do more work of just blabbing you know when you get really good

[1:11:17] at something you assume everyone wants more of that thing was it um was it tom uh brokaw yeah

[1:11:28] noonan hold on was it tom tom the baker son no sorry tom jones was it mark twain tom jones the

[1:11:36] book was it mark twain i was thinking of tom sawyer was it mark twain who said the line about

[1:11:42] i'm sorry that i wrote you such a long letter i didn't have time to write you a shorter one

[1:11:46] I don't know if it was him

[1:11:48] I think it was somebody else

[1:11:49] I think it might have been

[1:11:53] Possibly Winston Churchill

[1:11:55] But I don't think so

[1:11:57] I'll look it up

[1:11:58] There's a lot of truth in that

[1:11:59] I'll look it up on my pocket computer

[1:12:01] Where it takes more work to edit something down

[1:12:03] And be succinct

[1:12:05] Oh it certainly is a skill

[1:12:09] To be able to make more funny jokes

[1:12:12] In a shorter period of time

[1:12:14] Yeah exactly

[1:12:15] elliot's looking it up this attributes it to pascal

[1:12:20] wait from roses rose no nope that's right the child from roses rose

[1:12:30] uh from the mouths of babes come such wisdom

[1:12:36] and stewart's back he went and got a beer moving on in two recent episodes this is from sean last

[1:12:47] name withheld by the way into no it's sean hayes goodreads quotes does attribute it to mark twain

[1:12:53] but i don't think that's the case a lot of things have been attributed to mark twain like huckleberry

[1:12:58] finn which he wrote it was correctly attributed to him oh you don't say sean last name withheld

[1:13:08] says in two recent episodes number 220 the trust and 223 the last witch hunter spanning several

[1:13:17] weeks dan makes a series of mouth noises that he plainly thinks is an imitation of saxophone music

[1:13:24] dan do you remember what that sounds like yeah like

[1:13:26] and what does this person have to say about that because it does not sound like a saxophone

[1:13:35] clearly however he's making trumpet sounds yes that's what i would say or maybe trombone sounds

[1:13:39] point being he is under no like he is under no circumstances sounding like a damn saxophone

[1:13:48] houses happened twice with neither elliot nor stewart calling bullshit on dance failure to

[1:13:53] imitate a saxophone, I'm genuinely

[1:13:54] flummoxed. Yours, Sean.

[1:13:56] Here's, I think, the problem. I think the saxophone

[1:13:59] in Baker Street does not sound enough like a

[1:14:01] saxophone. No.

[1:14:02] And, you know,

[1:14:04] I stopped listening to morphine records

[1:14:06] quite a while ago, so I don't listen to

[1:14:09] saxophone sounds that often.

[1:14:10] Here's what I'll say. I would

[1:14:12] dare say that the saxophone is among the

[1:14:15] hardest instruments to

[1:14:16] accurately do a mouth sound of.

[1:14:19] Holy shit. I challenge

[1:14:21] you guys to do an accurate saxophone.

[1:14:23] Okay, let's try it.

[1:14:26] I never made the claim that I could.

[1:14:28] No, I know, but this is for Sean's benefit.

[1:14:31] Okay, Sean, here's what

[1:14:33] a saxophone sounds like to me.

[1:14:34] Streaks on the China, never been there before.

[1:14:37] Who cares?

[1:14:38] Drop kick your jacket

[1:14:40] as it came through the door.

[1:14:42] No one's there.

[1:14:43] Now that's either a saxophone or the Mr. Belvedere theme.

[1:14:46] That was pretty good.

[1:14:47] Okay, give me a second.

[1:14:51] That sounds like a trumpet, too.

[1:14:52] Okay, I'm almost ready.

[1:14:54] Ooh, ah!

[1:14:55] Oh, wait, okay.

[1:14:59] Hold on, is this the saxophone sound?

[1:15:00] Ah!

[1:15:01] Is that a saxophone sound?

[1:15:05] Yeah.

[1:15:05] I don't know, I think the first one was pretty close.

[1:15:08] What was that again?

[1:15:08] Streaks on the China, never bend, never fall.

[1:15:11] I think that's it.

[1:15:12] Okay, what about this?

[1:15:13] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[1:15:16] Is that a saxophone?

[1:15:17] Hold on, I got it.

[1:15:18] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[1:15:21] okay the mics are probably picking that up yeah okay here's a saxophone sound

[1:15:25] jazz sit ubu sit good dog good saxophone we got some more time to kill you guys got any more

[1:15:36] goofs how about this oh no yeah saxophone yep that's a leaky faucet

[1:15:45] You got any more saxophone noises?

[1:15:48] Nope, but we got more time to get into this.

[1:15:50] I don't know if saxophones just sound like this.

[1:15:51] How about this?

[1:15:56] That's gross.

[1:15:59] That's mainly for our benefit, I think.

[1:16:01] All right.

[1:16:03] Well, thank you, Sean.

[1:16:04] Is this what a saxophone sounds like?

[1:16:05] Oh, yeah.

[1:16:07] There's the part in that song, if you listen to the whole credits,

[1:16:14] is the part where the guy goes,

[1:16:15] Oh!

[1:16:16] It's like Tarzan is falling off a cliff.

[1:16:19] Yep.

[1:16:19] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1:16:23] This...

[1:16:24] Weow, weow, weow, saxophone.

[1:16:27] This next letter is from Mark, last name withheld.

[1:16:31] Dear Flophouse, I stopped listening to you

[1:16:33] at the beginning of the saxophone stuff.

[1:16:34] I didn't even make it to Stewart's rendition of Jungle Boy.

[1:16:38] I was wondering if you had considered

[1:16:41] starting a Flophouse Cinematic Universe,

[1:16:43] Parentheses F-C-U, given your growing stable of franchises such as Ziggy, The House Cat, Seven Pounds, and of course Rocket Crocodile and the Ding Dong from Castle Freak.

[1:16:54] And let's not forget Five Head.

[1:16:55] The F-C-U presents many questions.

[1:16:58] Would there be a Peaches team film?

[1:17:00] Would the first film shoot Wallace Shawn to Robert Downey Jr. like stardom?

[1:17:04] And which movie does Stallone star?

[1:17:06] Would the Peaches appear in every film?

[1:17:09] If anything comes of this, I'll accept the standard $700,000 fee for one of your scripts.

[1:17:14] Keep flopping in the free world.

[1:17:15] Mark Lastname withheld.

[1:17:17] Guys, I'm going to pitch.

[1:17:18] I think we're going to go with a surprise character, but I think this one's got legs.

[1:17:23] Literally.

[1:17:24] I'm talking about the southern granny who just happens to love that tan tan.

[1:17:31] Okay, perfect.

[1:17:32] Great.

[1:17:33] Because it's a popular bit.

[1:17:34] Okay.

[1:17:36] And?

[1:17:38] And I think there's a whole world around this granny.

[1:17:41] In the post-credits sequence, I think the Uh-Oh Kid will show up.

[1:17:48] Now, the house cat is a character who just kind of gets hinted at in a lot of the movies.

[1:17:52] Where the granny walks into, let me finish.

[1:17:55] The granny walks into her parlor.

[1:17:57] Mrs. Tintin.

[1:17:58] Slowly.

[1:17:58] She's got her arms full of Tintin books.

[1:18:03] Oh, she loves her haze work.

[1:18:04] The original French versions, not the American reprints.

[1:18:09] Okay.

[1:18:09] And she's super excited to get down to reading those shits.

[1:18:13] And she goes in, and there's a kid with his back to her.

[1:18:17] And he says, I'd like to invite you to the Flophouse Initiative.

[1:18:21] And then says, uh-oh, really loud.

[1:18:24] And then the audience goes, no way.

[1:18:27] Yeah, yeah.

[1:18:28] Now, the house cat is clearly the one they're building up to, right?

[1:18:33] He's hinted at.

[1:18:34] There's a bunch of house cat jewels that they have to get.

[1:18:37] That's the first thing before the end.

[1:18:38] Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of house cat Easter eggs.

[1:18:39] Like, oh, let me just try on the sunglasses and this backwards hat.

[1:18:44] And they'll be like, that's what the house cat wears.

[1:18:46] In certain scenes in some of the movies,

[1:18:48] there will just be a skateboard skating through the background of the scene,

[1:18:52] and you're like, wait a minute.

[1:18:53] Uh-oh.

[1:18:54] And now because it's a cinematic universe, as we all know,

[1:18:57] each movie has to end with some sort of blue energy portal

[1:19:01] that needs to be closed so that energy isn't sucked out of it

[1:19:04] or doesn't come out of it into our world.

[1:19:06] Now, if possible, a large chunk of the movie

[1:19:08] needs to be dedicated to our heroes

[1:19:10] kind of discovering their powers.

[1:19:11] Oh, nothing better than that.

[1:19:13] Everyone needs to have a scene

[1:19:15] where a character does something cool

[1:19:16] and then looks at their hands like,

[1:19:18] did I do that?

[1:19:19] Especially when Urkel shows up.

[1:19:21] He's going to say it.

[1:19:23] I was talking to you guys before we were recording

[1:19:25] about how in the Marvel movies,

[1:19:26] that really bothers me,

[1:19:28] that I have to keep watching characters

[1:19:29] going through the same arc of discovering their powers,

[1:19:31] and they always do the thing.

[1:19:33] It's like you're trapped in some kind of fucking Camus-style loop.

[1:19:38] I was going to say Groundhog Day, but yeah, similar.

[1:19:40] And they look at their hands and go like...

[1:19:42] I think Sark is more appropriate.

[1:19:43] Yeah, yeah, I think you're right.

[1:19:46] But if Urkel was in those movies, I would want him to do that every single scene.

[1:19:50] Look at his hands going, did I do that?

[1:19:53] And he's essentially Tony Stark.

[1:19:55] He makes a robot.

[1:19:56] He loves cheese.

[1:19:57] Much like Tony Stark famously loves cheese.

[1:20:02] He can't get enough.

[1:20:04] That's why he originally was going to be Iron Mouse.

[1:20:09] The cheese-powered armored superhero.

[1:20:12] Is that...

[1:20:13] So wait, in the Spider-Ham universe,

[1:20:16] is the animal version of Iron Man, is he a mouse?

[1:20:20] I think so.

[1:20:21] I can't remember.

[1:20:22] There's Cat in America, who's a cat.

[1:20:24] And I think Daredevil's a moose or something.

[1:20:29] Did they ever do a crossover with the Darkwing Duck universe?

[1:20:31] They did not.

[1:20:32] That's lame.

[1:20:33] It is lame, but maybe someday, hey,

[1:20:35] people love these intercompany crossovers.

[1:20:37] You've got Superman fighting the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

[1:20:40] You've got the Peanuts characters meeting He-Man.

[1:20:42] You've got little Annie Fanny meeting the Snorks.

[1:20:46] People love these crossovers.

[1:20:47] In my version of the Marvel Cinematic Universe,

[1:20:52] the Flophouse Cinematic Universe,

[1:20:54] now you've got, of course,

[1:20:55] Kurt Russell is going to turn out to be Star-Lord's dad

[1:20:58] in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy.

[1:21:01] In the upcoming Flophouse Universe movie, of course, the house cat's dad will turn out to be Seabiscuit, the world's most popular horse.

[1:21:11] It's me, Seabiscuit.

[1:21:13] Gotta go out to get some cigarettes and I'll never be back.

[1:21:17] See ya.

[1:21:17] But who's playing Seabiscuit?

[1:21:19] What big star?

[1:21:19] That you were like, I never thought they'd be in a superhero movie.

[1:21:22] I mean, I think based on the voice, Don Knotts is playing Seabiscuit.

[1:21:26] Okay, great.

[1:21:27] The late Don Knotts.

[1:21:27] The late, the ghost of Don Knotts.

[1:21:29] Okay, now he's the ghost and someone else is Mr. Chicken.

[1:21:32] I don't know, maybe ILM is going to jump in there and handle that shit for us.

[1:21:37] I guess they could make it happen.

[1:21:38] The ghost and Mr. Chicken too, now he's the ghost.

[1:21:40] Oh, you just called the ghost of Mr. Chicken.

[1:21:43] Yeah.

[1:21:44] We got one last letter that I want to read.

[1:21:48] No, write it.

[1:21:49] I'll write it too.

[1:21:50] I don't care.

[1:21:51] I don't fucking care anymore.

[1:21:52] Dear Flophouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me.

[1:21:55] There I was sitting with my two best friends when all of a sudden...

[1:21:59] My wiener totally popped out and I started shooting blue energy out of my hands.

[1:22:03] The end.

[1:22:05] This is from Elvis last name withheld.

[1:22:09] Presley.

[1:22:09] Who writes, I'm new to the Flophouse and I've been going through the back catalog.

[1:22:13] By the way, I would love like a series of penthouse correspondence where a guy writes a letter and then they have to write back and be like, no, you're a little too brief.

[1:22:23] Can you explain a little more what was going on?

[1:22:25] Why was the naked lady in the library?

[1:22:28] I don't understand

[1:22:29] You mentioned that you had sex with this person

[1:22:32] Could you kind of describe that sex a little bit?

[1:22:34] Were you in a

[1:22:35] You didn't mention the location

[1:22:37] Were you in a place where it would be strange to have sex

[1:22:39] Or perhaps arousing?

[1:22:39] Now you didn't really describe the woman

[1:22:45] Was she beautiful?

[1:22:46] Sexy?

[1:22:47] And what were her measurements?

[1:22:49] The more words you can use to create a verbal portrait

[1:22:52] Would really help us in selling this to the readers

[1:22:54] This is the letters from the editor

[1:22:56] Back to the letter writers

[1:22:57] he workshops his letter before publication.

[1:22:59] It has letters to the editor.

[1:23:01] Now when you describe it, it's not the editor.

[1:23:03] Dear sirs, I took issue with your most recent pictorial.

[1:23:07] When you describe your weenus,

[1:23:09] can you suggest that it might be surprisingly large?

[1:23:13] Actually, I read a book about pornography a while back

[1:23:17] or about the four big porn magazines.

[1:23:19] And it mentioned that for a time,

[1:23:21] Bob Guccione, the publisher of Penthouse,

[1:23:23] was really convinced that golden showers

[1:23:25] were the future of sexual entertainment.

[1:23:28] And it was only a matter of time

[1:23:30] before this became the mainstream way

[1:23:32] that couples expressed their sexuality.

[1:23:33] You said stream, and I think that's appropriate.

[1:23:36] And the staff had to convince him

[1:23:40] that this was not the case

[1:23:41] to stop doing these features.

[1:23:43] But I imagine they got quite a few letters

[1:23:45] to the editor at the time.

[1:23:46] Dear sirs, I have long enjoyed your product

[1:23:50] and proudly displayed it on my coffee table

[1:23:52] when I had family or friends over to visit.

[1:23:54] But recently I've found that the magazine has taken a urinary turn that I do not find appropriate.

[1:23:59] I've enjoyed your pictorials of women who appear to be examining their own genitals, perhaps for some disease or something.

[1:24:06] But this urinary...

[1:24:08] As an airbrushing enthusiast, I've put up with the fact that you've used naked women to demonstrate today's hottest airbrushing techniques.

[1:24:16] And yet now I find you have gone too far.

[1:24:19] What happened to the days when I only had to worry about, say, frontal nudity

[1:24:23] when perusing the latest tips and tricks from professional airbrushers?

[1:24:27] I remember in college buying a penthouse from Hastings Entertainment Store

[1:24:33] and being surprised at the amount of urine play being featured in the magazine.

[1:24:38] Now you know. Now you know.

[1:24:39] Wow.

[1:24:39] That's why that elderly cashier looked at me weird.

[1:24:42] It wasn't because of my KMFDM t-shirt.

[1:24:47] It's because of my choice of entertainment, which was Penthouse Magazine.

[1:24:51] All right, well.

[1:24:52] And a DVD copy of Donnie Darko.

[1:24:55] I'll take this DVD copy of Donnie Darko and this golden shower penthouse.

[1:25:00] I have a strange series of fetishes.

[1:25:02] I mean regular shower penthouse.

[1:25:05] Elvis writes, I'm new to the Flophouse and I've been going through the back catalog.

[1:25:14] I love experiencing small Vimbers and Shocktobers of the past

[1:25:18] and wanted to suggest a new holiday month in November called Stuart Timber.

[1:25:23] I would say it StuArt Timber and it would have about three episodes for the month

[1:25:30] and feature Castle Freak, Head of the Family, and The Invisible Maniac.

[1:25:33] Two of you are probably thinking, wait, that's great for one Stuart Timber,

[1:25:39] but what about next year?

[1:25:41] Well, the thing about Stuart Timber is that he kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

[1:25:45] Elvis' last name withheld.

[1:25:46] He makes a good point.

[1:25:50] He answers exactly the question you had, which is, that would be good for one Stuart Timber.

[1:25:55] Does he?

[1:25:57] Now, I know that Dan listens to my recommendations pretty carefully and acts on them.

[1:26:04] Elliot, have you seen Invisible Maniac?

[1:26:09] Oh, yeah, I saw it.

[1:26:10] I remember you showed me that it was on YouTube, and I watched the whole thing.

[1:26:12] Have you seen Castle Freak?

[1:26:15] I saw it in a theater when you were hosting it.

[1:26:17] Okay, and I drove you to that screening.

[1:26:19] So it would have been pretty rude of me not to attend.

[1:26:23] Have you seen The Granny?

[1:26:25] I still have not seen The Granny, nor Head of the Family.

[1:26:28] What were you about to say about The Granny?

[1:26:31] The Granny really took over from Head of the Family.

[1:26:33] It snuck in there, right?

[1:26:35] Yeah, and overtook it.

[1:26:36] It used to be...

[1:26:37] Kind of.

[1:26:37] I mean, Head of the Family is great.

[1:26:40] But it's hard to say that the movies that I watch are only three movies

[1:26:45] when they should be only four movies.

[1:26:47] I mean, Night of the Demons was coming in close for a while,

[1:26:49] but I think the granny overtook it.

[1:26:51] Yeah, Night of the Demons, that's more like when I want to show off

[1:26:54] how arty I am, that I'm into more heady cinema, cerebral stuff.

[1:26:59] Hey, Dan, what's the next part of this podcast?

[1:27:01] Okay, Elliot needs to go home apparently.

[1:27:04] I've been a little outed for the second half of this,

[1:27:08] as happens sometimes when we're recording.

[1:27:10] Something has happened in my personal life that I've been notified of via text during the recording, and it has distracted me.

[1:27:15] Sorry about that.

[1:27:17] The last part of the podcast is where we—

[1:27:20] I don't know why you're apologizing for Elliot.

[1:27:21] I don't—I—

[1:27:22] I thought he was apologizing to me.

[1:27:23] Oh, okay.

[1:27:24] Uh, nah.

[1:27:26] The last part of the podcast is where we recommend movies that we actually liked that you could watch instead of wasting your time on Max Steel.

[1:27:37] Stuart, do you have something?

[1:27:39] I do.

[1:27:40] I guess this is going to be, let's call this a controversial recommendation.

[1:27:43] I'm going to recommend the 2016 movie from Nicholas Wendig Refn, The Neon Demon.

[1:27:54] Now, if you are, I mean, this dude's made a shitload of movies.

[1:28:00] Yeah, sure.

[1:28:00] If you are kind of in the market for one of his movies, you've probably already seen this one and decide whether or not this is for you or not.

[1:28:09] This is not a movie, similar to Only God Forgives,

[1:28:11] this is not a movie that I would recommend to just any Joe on the street.

[1:28:15] This is something that, this is a movie that is, let's say, light on plot.

[1:28:20] You could probably write the entire script on an index card.

[1:28:26] And if you try and look at the story as a metaphor,

[1:28:35] it's pretty straightforward and pretty thin.

[1:28:39] But, uh, thin on story rave Stuart Wellington. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is a movie that's kind of a weird recommendation, but it's a movie that like similar to only God forgives. I left it, you know, in, I guess, enjoying it and definitely liking how beautiful the movie is. I like the music. I like how strange the movie kind of leaves you with no sense of like, it never gives you anything that you can really feel grounded with.

[1:29:08] You get some strange performances from Keanu Reeves and others.

[1:29:14] And it's pretty gory and has a really crazy ending.

[1:29:18] So The Neon Demon, why not?

[1:29:22] Very vague recommendation.

[1:29:24] I watched it the same night as I watched Academy Award nominee Fences,

[1:29:29] which is like the exact opposite movie.

[1:29:34] Whereas the Neon Demon featured almost no dialogue.

[1:29:38] And when that dialogue was delivered,

[1:29:40] it felt like it was delivered by people who had never spoken before.

[1:29:43] And then I watched Fences, which was like a deluge of dialogue.

[1:29:49] Like any time there was a moment when somebody wasn't talking,

[1:29:53] you had to take a deep breath of air so that you didn't drown in it.

[1:29:57] I'm going to recommend, I will say that I saw Get Out.

[1:30:02] I will not recommend that because

[1:30:04] it does not

[1:30:05] a lot of people not recommending movies starring African Americans on this episode

[1:30:08] I'm not recommending

[1:30:10] I like Fences quite a bit

[1:30:11] I know Get Out technically the star is English

[1:30:14] Jesus Christ

[1:30:15] the only reason I'm not recommending Get Out is because

[1:30:18] I don't need to

[1:30:19] I liked it a lot

[1:30:21] and everyone in the world liked it

[1:30:23] it's a huge movie

[1:30:26] not Elliot's boy Armin White

[1:30:28] did he not like it?

[1:30:30] no he took a fucking shit on it

[1:30:31] Of course, because everybody else liked it.

[1:30:32] He's the one critic who knocked it.

[1:30:34] Get Out is great.

[1:30:36] Go see it.

[1:30:37] I'm only not recommending it because everyone has already seen it.

[1:30:40] The movie I'm going to recommend is much more obscure.

[1:30:46] It's a movie that you cannot see.

[1:30:48] I went to...

[1:30:50] So what a recommendation.

[1:30:51] It played only in my head, and it's called Dan's Dream.

[1:30:55] I went to a...

[1:30:58] It features me and a bevy of babes.

[1:31:00] i went to a uh go on i was just gonna laugh about dan's grammy i went to a alamo draft house

[1:31:10] screening of the devils a 70s uh film from ken russell um starring oliver reeve and oliver reed

[1:31:20] sorry and vanessa redgrave and it's a movie about a priest in france who is the priest in a

[1:31:33] a city that has a lot of protestants uh in a place that's a country that's very catholic at the time

[1:31:40] and uh because he is protecting these protestant members of his community cardinal richelieu

[1:31:48] wants to take him down basically it's a movie that has not been able to be seen for a long time

[1:31:56] uh warners has taken it out of circulation because uh it has a lot of uh blasphemous imagery

[1:32:05] including a nun played by vanessa redgrave having a fantasy about oliver reed uh as jesus where she

[1:32:16] licks his side wound there uh and there's also later in the movie where cardinal rich lose um

[1:32:25] are you gonna spoil all the good bits later in the movie cardinal rich lose lackey

[1:32:29] uh convinces a bunch of coerces a bunch of nuns basically to pretend that they're uh

[1:32:37] what what possessed by devils uh and there's a bunch of basically naked nuns cavorting around

[1:32:45] and that sort of thing was probably frowned upon by the Catholic Church.

[1:32:49] It seems like he found out a way to pull off that

[1:32:51] it'd be funny if we made out as a joke with those nuns.

[1:32:55] It's a very exploitative movie but at the same time

[1:32:58] it manages to figure out how to be an exploitative movie

[1:33:01] while also being basically a religious movie

[1:33:05] because my experience of watching it was the same as

[1:33:10] watching T.S. Eliot's Murder at the Cathedral

[1:33:13] where it is a movie about a basically pious religious man a flawed definitely but pious

[1:33:21] religious man who is um killed because of political reasons and um that that makes it a

[1:33:32] like the fact that it is exploitative does not take away from the fact that it is at heart a very

[1:33:40] moral film uh but it's very hard to see i mean i feel like don't aren't a lot of exploitative

[1:33:46] films like at their heart like weirdly moral in that they the more moral characters are the ones

[1:33:53] that come off best and then you could say that the exploitation that they enact is a way of

[1:33:59] upholding certain social values that are either the flip side of our accepted values or actually

[1:34:06] those values that by exploiting specific either sexual or violent or whatever things they're

[1:34:13] actually highlighting stuff that is a part of mainstream society and just taking away the

[1:34:19] layers of fiction around it oh yeah like holding up a mirror uh i would say less well maybe let

[1:34:25] not maybe deliberately holding up a mirror but it being like this is the stuff that is built into

[1:34:30] society that you like but we have to pretend we don't like it i'm not going to show you but it

[1:34:35] gets delivered to you in other forms i'm just going to give it to you in a raw form

[1:34:38] anyway it's a great movie that's kind of a like a fuko this is devils the devil the devils it's

[1:34:46] hard to see but if you get a chance to it's definitely worth it it's i found it transfixing

[1:34:52] from beginning to end okay four recommendations no no no ellie doesn't no no that was two

[1:35:00] recommendations in the space

[1:35:02] of four recommendations. So I'm going to make

[1:35:04] my recommendation real fast.

[1:35:05] I saw a new movie for once

[1:35:08] or a movie from last year

[1:35:10] and that's The Lobster

[1:35:12] directed by Yorgos Lanthimos of

[1:35:14] Dogtooth fame and starring an

[1:35:16] all-star cast. Colin Farrell, Rachel

[1:35:18] Weisz, all sorts of people. John C. Reilly

[1:35:20] and Bond

[1:35:22] Girl Lea Seydoux, right?

[1:35:23] And it

[1:35:25] is the story. If you're not

[1:35:28] fully aware of it, it is very Dogtooth

[1:35:30] and style uh in that it is kind of deadpan grotesque humor uh about a world where it is

[1:35:38] the government demands everyone be in a loving couple single people are not to be allowed so

[1:35:43] if you're single you're sent to a hotel where you have a set amount of time to fall in love with

[1:35:47] someone else and if that doesn't happen you are turned into an animal of your choice and the main

[1:35:52] characters decided he will be a lobster played by colin farrell if he doesn't that's why it's called

[1:35:56] the lobster uh yep uh but there's also a people who live out in the woods who are living alone

[1:36:03] and are constantly being hunted by these people in the hotel and it is kind of i mean in its in

[1:36:11] its broadest strokes it is kind of a grotesque uh comedy it's a pitch black comedy but it's what

[1:36:17] it's about ultimately is how systems of rules that attempt to control behavior too much i guess

[1:36:24] warp human beings into the shape of that behavior

[1:36:28] in ways that are terrifying.

[1:36:30] And the movie kind of loses its way after a while,

[1:36:33] but it plays out the rules that it set up

[1:36:36] to the logical conclusion point.

[1:36:39] And I thought, though, that it was not fun at times,

[1:36:44] I found it actually really funny and well thought out.

[1:36:48] It's not a movie to watch if you don't like unpleasant things.

[1:36:51] Yeah, for instance, I'll say the Neon Demon,

[1:36:53] The movie I recommended is super gross.

[1:36:56] I don't recommend it if you don't like gross things.

[1:36:58] The Lobster, don't watch if you don't like violence against animals or the threat of eye trauma.

[1:37:06] Which there's not a lot of that, but there's enough of it, and it comes in surprising ways.

[1:37:12] And it's the way that it's edited that is a style that's meant to be funny because it's so shocking.

[1:37:19] And because it's distanced.

[1:37:21] It is going out of its way to not be melodramatic and to be very matter-of-fact about the way it presents things that are horrifying.

[1:37:27] But because of that, it makes it like –

[1:37:30] A little more horrifying.

[1:37:31] Yeah, and it also means that you're like, you don't know what's fucking coming sometimes.

[1:37:35] Oh, yeah, very much so.

[1:37:37] It's a surprising movie at the time.

[1:37:39] And you know what?

[1:37:40] Make a John C. Reilly double feature of it.

[1:37:42] He's in this, and I really enjoyed King Kong Skull Island.

[1:37:45] So for two very different tastes of John C. Reilly,

[1:37:48] The Lobster and Kong Skull Island,

[1:37:50] the movie that says,

[1:37:51] hey, what do you expect from a movie called Kong Skull Island?

[1:37:54] We're going to deliver it to you.

[1:37:55] No surprises, but you get a lot of Kong.

[1:37:58] Get a lot of Kong.

[1:38:01] What more can you want?

[1:38:03] So we should wrap up.

[1:38:06] We should wrap up.

[1:38:08] We're all obviously very distracted at this point in the podcast.

[1:38:11] Elliot is texting,

[1:38:14] I cannot put a coherent defense of the movie The Devils together.

[1:38:19] No, you did a fine job, dude.

[1:38:20] Thank you.

[1:38:21] And Stuart is just happily just being Stu, man.

[1:38:27] Yeah, dude.

[1:38:28] Keep on keeping on.

[1:38:29] But for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:33] Hey, he's been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:35] Thanks.

[1:38:37] Stuart Wellington just said that thing about Dan McCoy.

[1:38:40] Dan McCoy, everybody.

[1:38:42] Let's hear it for him.

[1:38:43] Yay.

[1:38:44] Oh, man, you son of a bitch.

[1:38:46] I don't like you, but God damn it, I respect you.

[1:38:49] You don't like me?

[1:38:50] And texting on my phone, I'm Elliot Galen.

[1:38:57] Good night, everyone.

[1:38:58] A male porn star, when it's a performer that you recognize and kind of like,

[1:39:06] is more like a surprise.

[1:39:07] We're talking about hetero porn, I'm assuming.

[1:39:10] Yeah, yeah, and hetero porn.

[1:39:11] i'm just talking about if you are a hetero male or a woman who likes to look at hetero porn sure

[1:39:17] uh when you see it's like you're not going to the movie for david paymer but when david paymer

[1:39:23] shows up in a small role you're like oh this is nice so you're going to that porn for the female

[1:39:27] star but then a male star you recognize shows up you're like oh okay he's got really identify with

[1:39:32] that guy i get that his penis reminds me of my own penis yeah this is i could really project

[1:39:40] myself onto this one i'm always impressed by peter north's uh copious amounts of jizz wow

[1:39:46] when is copious ever used for

[1:39:50] lots of things copious notes

[1:39:55] trying to decide whether this is this is end of the show fodder or not no i don't think so

[1:40:05] MaximumFun.org

[1:40:08] Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

[1:40:10] Listener supported.

Ep. #226 - Max Steel

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