Ep. #229 - Assassin's Creed

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Assassin's Creed from Ubisoft Games.

[0:06] Makers of such other great movies as None, Nothing, Silch, Nada, None, No Movies, Nothing.

[0:18] No Movies.

[0:30] No Movies.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:49] Okay.

[0:50] Throwing off my rhythm right away.

[0:52] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:53] Hey, Dan.

[0:54] I'm Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Hey, Dan and Stuart.

[0:56] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:57] And today is...

[0:59] Flop Day.

[1:01] Sure.

[1:02] Thursday?

Dan McCoy

[1:04] The day that we shot Syria with a bunch of bombs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] Dan.

[1:10] I don't know.

[1:10] I'm just trying to...

[1:12] Why do you have to keep bringing the real world into this magical fantasy land of snark we call the Flophouse?

[1:17] What?

[1:18] You're...

Dan McCoy

[1:19] I'm trying to play into whatever your thing is.

[1:22] I don't know what your bit is.

[1:23] It's the two...

[1:24] You can't read his body language, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] It's the two-week anniversary of our last episode.

[1:28] Oh, that's true.

[1:30] That's true.

[1:30] So what did you get me?

[1:32] Don't tell me you forgot.

[1:34] Again.

[1:35] The babysitter's dead.

[1:36] There you go.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] I got...

[1:37] I got you the plastic and holder together thing from Stuart's six-pack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] Oh, these rings.

[1:44] I can use these to strangle fish to death.

[1:46] I appreciate that.

[1:47] You know that's the only thing that gets me turned on these days.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50] Yeah, you just show it to the fish and you're like, you're going to be sleeping with you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Oh, boy.

[1:58] So thanks for the prop work, Dan.

[1:59] Yeah.

[2:00] You can't see the listeners, but he actually handed me this six-pack beer ring.

Stuart Wellington

[2:04] Dan will probably update the Flophouse website with a picture of those rings.

[2:08] With a photo of it.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:08] With a photo of it.

[2:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] So...

[2:11] It'd be funny if I had a photo of that with like a big celebrity and I just labeled it.

[2:16] Like plastic...

Stuart Wellington

[2:17] Six-pack ring seen here.

[2:19] Yeah.

[2:20] And the picture of the celebrity is to provide an accurate date to the photo.

Dan McCoy

[2:25] Yeah, they're holding up today's newspaper.

Stuart Wellington

[2:26] That's exactly what Skeet Ulrich's beard looks like on that one day.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] As you can see, I had LeBron James hold up today's newspaper.

[2:34] So you can know what date it was.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] He thought briefly that I'd kidnapped him, but I disabused him of that notion.

[2:42] Hey, I've got a weird voice because I have a cold.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] Dan has a cold.

[2:46] Uh-huh.

[2:46] And Stuart is hot.

[2:48] So it evens out to me, Elliot, the guy in the middle.

[2:50] Just kind of lukewarm, doing my best.

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:53] Lukewarm, by the way, was my acting name, my screen name.

[2:56] Mm-hmm.

[2:56] Lucas Warm.

[2:57] Uh-huh.

[2:58] Or if I was doing like a cool thing, Luke Warm.

[3:00] Yeah.

[3:01] I didn't get a lot of roles, but the roles I did get, such as Orderly No. 3 on Oz, the

[3:08] scene was cut.

[3:09] Or Nurse No. 2 on ER, the scene was cut.

Stuart Wellington

[3:13] Did you go by Luke Warm or Lucas Warm?

Elliott Kalan

[3:15] Well, that's the thing.

[3:16] If it was a serious role, Lucas Warm.

[3:18] But if it was like a cool role, Luke Warm.

[3:20] Oh, you just changed it up?

Stuart Wellington

[3:21] You didn't have to file with one with the Actors Guild?

Elliott Kalan

[3:23] Uh, I mean, I should have.

[3:25] That's why they kicked me out.

[3:26] Mm-hmm.

[3:27] Uh, I didn't realize I had to be a member of a union.

[3:29] Oh, okay.

[3:29] And also that there was already a Luke Warm and a Lucas Warm.

[3:33] Mm-hmm.

[3:33] Also a Lucas J Warm and a Luke R Warmington.

Stuart Wellington

[3:37] Yeah, and there's the, uh, that, uh, the Eastern European Luca Swarm.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] He's a wrestler.

[3:43] Yeah.

[3:43] Luca Swarm.

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] Yeah, he's half B.

[3:45] This bit reminds me of, uh, the only.

[3:48] Not what bit.

[3:49] This is my real life.

[3:50] Dan, this isn't a bit.

[3:51] This is real life.

[3:53] Mm-hmm.

[3:53] That was for Matt Sanger.

Dan McCoy

[3:54] Yeah.

[3:55] This, uh, this reminds me of the only April Fool's prank I took part of, which was, uh.

[4:00] Took part in, but yes.

[4:01] Took part in, um, which was when I was a, uh, intern for the Leonard Lopate Show, which

[4:08] is a local public radio program.

[4:11] I, uh, was on, on air as a character who had been cut from every pilot of a successful television

[4:18] show.

[4:19] Ah.

[4:20] And so I was actually in the pilot for Cheers, but I had been cut.

[4:23] I was in the pilot for the X-Files, but I had been cut.

[4:27] All this character.

[4:27] And I, I had no IMDb credits because I had been cut from all these shows.

[4:31] And, uh, that's not really a story, but it's a thing that happened to me.

[4:34] I mean, you had the setup for a story.

[4:35] So, how was it a prank?

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] Yeah, well, how was it a prank?

[4:38] Who, who was the target of this?

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Then I.

[4:41] Who are you getting with this?

[4:43] Well, then I saran wrapped Leonard Lopate's toilet.

[4:46] Ah, okay.

[4:47] That makes sense.

[4:48] But I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] Why?

[4:50] Look at me like.

[4:50] And you were like, just try to track me down.

[4:52] I don't exist, according to IMDb.

[4:54] And you disappeared in a puff of pro.

[4:57] IMDb pro, that is.

[5:00] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast, aside from you having a cold and me making up nonsense

[5:04] and Stuart just being generally handsome?

[5:06] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:07] Uh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[5:11] Kind of like a review show, like a round table.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] Mm-hmm.

[5:13] Except the table we're at is actually not round.

[5:16] It's rectangular.

[5:16] Fun fact, fun fact, put in the trivia section on IMDb for the Flophouse.

[5:20] Actually, speaking of it, do they do podcast entries on IMDb?

[5:24] There's TV shows and there's movies.

[5:27] Uh, I don't know.

[5:27] Is there an IPDB, an internet podcast database?

[5:31] Because we should have an entry.

[5:32] Get on it, internet.

[5:33] Somebody make that and then in the trivia section, or the goof section put, Stuart referred to

[5:38] it as a round table, but the table is actually not round.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] But a goof.

[5:42] Yeah.

[5:44] Goofs.

Dan McCoy

[5:45] Stuart said that at the end of Mirrors, he was not in a mirror world, but he was in a

[5:50] mirror world.

[5:52] Goofs.

Stuart Wellington

[5:52] Oh, yes.

[5:53] So wait a minute.

[5:54] The goof section of the internet podcast database is going to have anything that somebody said

[6:01] that is not actually space in fact.

[6:04] Wow, that's going to take a lot of time in writing.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] It's going to be a big goof section.

Stuart Wellington

[6:08] I don't know if it'll take longer to fill out the goof section or to fill out Paula Tompkins

[6:13] podcast credits.

[6:14] Oh!

[6:16] Take that, Paula Tompkins, you prolific motherfucker.

Elliott Kalan

[6:21] You got Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[6:23] Oh, I'm sorry.

[6:24] I enjoy your work in everything.

[6:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] So, Dan, we watch a bad movie.

[6:30] We talk about it.

[6:31] We make up a lot of nonsense.

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:32] And tonight, did we watch a bad movie?

Dan McCoy

[6:35] We watched one of the worst movies.

[6:38] I'm skipping ahead, but we watched something called Assassin's Creed.

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] Uh-huh.

[6:44] Now, Assassin's Creed is based on a series of video games.

[6:48] Oh, right.

[6:50] And that's probably why so much of the movie was platform jumping and hand-to-hand combat

[6:56] with a variety of unrealistic weaponry.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] Uh-huh.

[7:01] And stuff happening in the present that felt like cut scenes.

Elliott Kalan

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:05] So...

[7:06] And that they should have been cut from the film.

[7:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] So let's just get this out up front.

[7:09] We're a couple of gamer boys, right?

[7:11] Uh...

[7:12] Gamer boys.

[7:12] See you later, boys.

[7:13] Yeah.

[7:14] See you, lamer boys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:17] Uh...

[7:17] And I remember...

[7:19] Dan, what's the name of your Avril Lavigne parody cover band?

Dan McCoy

[7:23] Uh...

[7:24] Avril...

[7:25] Vagine.

[7:27] I dress up as Borat.

[7:28] Man, I start shaking my head before you even start talking.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] Dan, I gave you an almost impossible task with that one.

[7:34] And you less than exceeded my expectations.

[7:36] So I apologize.

[7:38] That's on me.

[7:38] That's not on you.

[7:39] Look, I can't ask a man to swallow fire and expect him to just do it right off the bat.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] It would be impossible.

[7:46] They'd have an Avril Tagine.

[7:48] The Moroccan...

[7:50] I mean, I like that more than the first one.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] The Tagine.

[7:53] I'm just gonna skip ahead and we'll get to Cape Canaveral Lavigne.

[7:56] Where she's like...

[7:57] She's like a cool girl wearing a tie, but she also wears an astronaut space suit.

[8:01] Advil Lavigne.

Dan McCoy

[8:03] Oh, there it is.

[8:04] That's a good one.

[8:04] He got it.

[8:05] No, man.

[8:06] It only took four tries between the three of us.

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] So, as I was saying, we're a couple of hardcore gamer dudes.

[8:14] And I remember...

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] I've certainly played a video game in the past seven years.

[8:18] Uh-huh.

[8:20] Dan has a little Nintendo box over there.

[8:21] I have one of those many Nintendos.

[8:23] Yeah, and you have like a Tamagotchi, right?

[8:25] Yeah.

[8:26] Oh, it died.

[8:27] Oh, boy.

[8:28] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] I'm so sorry to hear that.

[8:30] Yeah.

[8:31] I tried to feed it just like real life food.

[8:33] I just kept pouring beans all over the Tamagotchi.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] It's in digital heaven now with the Battletoads.

[8:40] But, Stuart, you're a gamer guy.

Stuart Wellington

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:42] So, I remember borrowing a CD-ROM of Assassin's Creed from my friend Brad.

[8:50] Because he, you know, he swore by it.

[8:52] He's like, it's awesome.

[8:53] You get to be an awesome ninja.

[8:54] Berg Stressor.

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:56] We can do a shout out.

[8:57] Yeah.

[8:57] Brad Berg Stressor.

[8:58] One of the first listeners in this podcast history to come up to us and say, you guys just bullshit

[9:04] too much.

[9:04] You got to talk about the movies.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] Speaking of which, tell us about the time you borrowed a video game from a friend.

Stuart Wellington

[9:10] So, I borrowed a copy of Assassin's Creed and I popped it in my player, fired it up, cracked

[9:15] a brewski.

[9:16] Put it in your 3DO.

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:17] I'm like, I can't wait to do this ninja stuff.

[9:20] Because all the trailers for the game look like you're just this awesome assassin dude running

[9:26] around very realistic cities.

[9:29] And you're like, you can go anywhere and do anything as long as it's assassin related.

[9:34] So, that sounded cool to me.

[9:36] Murderers have no rules.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] It sounds a little bit like you're filling out your assassin tax forms and you're like,

[9:42] I can probably deduct these shoes because I use them when I go about doing my assassin

[9:47] related business.

[9:49] I can't pull off my cool jumps and flips if I don't have the right socks.

[9:54] So, I'll write that off too.

Stuart Wellington

[9:56] You should be a little more shitty about it.

[9:59] Like, how am I supposed to do my flips?

[10:04] So, but I remember putting in the game machine and it starting up and you start in like the

[10:10] future and then you use some kind of computer to send you back in the past.

[10:14] Like, why do you need this additional framing device?

Elliott Kalan

[10:17] Just be an assassin dude.

[10:19] Luckily, the movie, worrying that it would not be an hour and 55 minutes long, held on to

[10:23] that framing device so that it could reach full feature length.

[10:26] So, let's dive into the movie.

[10:28] Stuart, did you like the game, by the way?

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] After I played a little bit of the tutorial and didn't know how to get out of the corner,

[10:34] I stopped playing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] So, we begin in 1492 when the Catholic...

[10:42] Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

[10:45] Spoiler alert.

[10:46] All right.

[10:46] That guy shows his face later, although he wasn't really identified by name, so we had

[10:50] to look it up on Wikipedia to figure out who he was.

[10:54] That's an Easter egg for the real fans.

[10:56] Sure, yeah.

[10:57] In 1492, the Catholic monarchs of Spain are finally on the verge of taking back Granada

[11:04] from its Muslim occupants.

[11:07] This is after Spain has finally liberated itself from Moorish rule.

Stuart Wellington

[11:13] And those two forces are represented in game, or in game, in the movie.

[11:18] It's not a game.

[11:19] It's a movie, guys.

[11:20] Just keep telling yourself it's only a movie and not a game.

[11:23] They're represented by the forces of the Templars in Inquisition versus the Assassins.

[11:29] And now...

Elliott Kalan

[11:30] Now, were the Inquisition and the Templars opposed in actual history?

[11:34] I believe so.

[11:37] Honestly, all the garbage I read about the Knights Templar when I was a conspiracy monger teenager,

[11:42] I've forgotten mostly, but I do believe so.

[11:44] I think the Templars were...

[11:45] When I was preparing for that Vampire of the Dark Ages role-playing game, I remember reading

[11:50] a bunch of crap.

[11:50] I believe the Templars were seen as a...

[11:54] Yeah.

[11:54] As like a subversive, quasi-homosexual sect.

Stuart Wellington

[11:59] And they were also gathering too much wealth and power.

[12:01] Yeah.

[12:01] And that was one of the reasons the Inquisition stepped in.

[12:03] They're like, oh, you're against God.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] We want your stuff now.

[12:06] Gimme, gimme, gimme.

[12:08] So it's...

[12:09] Anyway.

[12:09] Our hunger for power and money knows no bounds.

[12:11] We're introduced via one of many swooping crane slash eagle shots.

[12:17] In which a CGI eagle is flying over a cityscape.

[12:21] And we're introduced to our...

[12:22] One of our heroes, Aguilar, who is being inducted into the Assassin's Creed Brotherhood.

[12:28] Whole name.

[12:29] Yeah.

[12:30] His assassin hoodie is being lifted into the rafters.

[12:33] And that's the other thing you need to know.

[12:35] If you're an assassin, you got to keep your head covered with a hood.

[12:37] That's how it works.

[12:39] So I'm sorry, Lee Harvey Oswald and Gavril Princep and Leon Koskos.

[12:45] Maybe you killed world leaders, but you're not true assassins because you weren't wearing bitching hoodies and jumping off of towers all the time.

[12:52] Anyway, he's inducted into the Assassin's Creed, which seems to involve having one of his fingers cut off.

[12:57] Yeah.

[12:58] And he's given these two wrist-mounted, spring-loaded blades.

[13:02] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[13:03] They go right under your palm.

[13:05] So I guess if you twitch your hand, they'll pop out.

Dan McCoy

[13:07] Which I guess are better than regular knives because-

[13:10] They're always attached to your arms, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[13:12] You can't lose them.

[13:13] All right.

[13:13] And maybe, sure, use them.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] Yeah, like you lose your keys.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] Yeah, you're like, you lose your blades?

[13:19] These are better.

[13:20] You strap them to your arms.

[13:21] Like you lose your keys?

[13:23] That's Sean Connery as Medicine Man in Assassin's Creed.

[13:28] He is told, and I'm partially going back to Wikipedia to remember some of this stuff.

[13:34] He's told in a very dimly lit, dusty room because this movie is about a couple different things.

[13:39] And that is, people wearing hoods, people in rooms that have shafts of light with dust in them.

[13:46] And people-

[13:46] It's the mists of memory and time, dude.

[13:49] Oh, good point.

[13:49] Yeah, it's just like Michael Jackson's Remember the Time video when he dissolves into sand.

[13:53] And it's about people mumbling to each other.

[13:57] And they're mumbling either Spanish with subtitles, made-up science-y bullshit about how your DNA contains the memories of your ancestors, or just kind of nonsense that it's hard to hear because everyone's so mumbly.

[14:12] Anyway, Michael Fassbender is Aguilar, and he's told he's going to protect the Prince of Granada because the bad guys who are the Knights Templar slash Catholic Church want to take him so that they can use him as leverage to get something called the Apple.

[14:30] And the Apple is supposed to be-

[14:31] I guess it's the Apple from the Tree of Life in Eden.

[14:34] There's a text scroll at the beginning that tells you there's this magic Apple, which turns out to be-

[14:39] It turns out to be a device that looks like Bush's thermal detonator from Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi.

Stuart Wellington

[14:46] Yeah, like a weird incense burner.

Elliott Kalan

[14:48] Yeah.

[14:50] But that's supposed to be the Apple from the Tree of Life in Eden.

[14:53] And it represents-

Dan McCoy

[14:54] I don't understand.

[14:55] I mean, if it's supposed to be the Apple, then I don't get the whole Genesis story.

[14:59] So the tree's made out of metal.

[15:00] It's a metal tree.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] And they took a bite out of this metal apple, which then-

[15:04] Dan, Dan, Dan.

[15:05] One, the Bible's all metaphors, and two, God is a Transformer.

[15:09] Okay.

[15:10] So if you believe that God is a Transformer, which was that he was literally the Optimus Prime, and that's why you see so-

[15:16] He said, I am the Optimus, and I am the Prime.

[15:18] It's why you see so many preachers being-

[15:20] They were mad at the Transformers movies because they're like,

[15:22] I say there's only one Optimus Prime, the big Optimus Prime in the sky who defeated Unicron

[15:28] and the forces of Megatron.

[15:30] Mm-hmm.

[15:30] And they're like-

[15:31] What else do preachers say?

[15:33] They're like, hey, kids, I know you like that cool rap music and your heavy metal.

[15:37] Mm-hmm.

[15:38] Let me tell you about a cool dude who was really heavy metal.

[15:41] Are you going to tell me about Bill Hicks?

[15:42] His name was Optimus Prime.

[15:43] But Bill Hicks.

Stuart Wellington

[15:46] That's what Preacher always tells me about.

[15:48] Bill Hicks and, I don't know, some kind of Irish bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] What the-

[15:52] The world of Preacher, the comic book, is a weird one in which the gods, like, there's this

[15:57] Mount Rushmore that is Bill Hicks, John Wayne, two people who would not like each other in

[16:01] real life.

[16:02] And yeah, just the idea of drinking and being Irish.

[16:06] And then guns.

Stuart Wellington

[16:09] Yeah, I mean, guns are part of it.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:10] There's a gun next to those other two heads.

[16:14] There's like a Pine of Guinness, a gun.

[16:16] John Wayne and Bill Hicks.

[16:18] John Wayne.

Elliott Kalan

[16:19] So anyway, they want this thing, the apple.

[16:22] It's a metal ball that's supposed to represent man's first free will.

[16:27] And the Templars want it so that they can, I guess, eradicate free will.

[16:31] It's like the anti-life equation is in there.

[16:34] And the assassins want it.

Dan McCoy

[16:35] Their idea is that, you know, they can make people be good by force.

[16:39] They can eradicate violence by making people have no free will.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] Well, we're not at, they, the Templars don't want to eradicate violence.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] Well, the Templars want to, like, keep everyone, like, they want everyone to be, like, bow down

Elliott Kalan

[16:51] to your god.

[16:52] Yeah, I mean, they represent everybody.

[16:54] And if you remember Dennis Miller's show, everybody wants to rule the world if they're

[17:02] Templars.

[17:02] And also Takamata and the Spanish Inquisition in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:06] I mean, I associate that song more with real genius.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] That's fine.

[17:09] All right.

[17:10] Just shows we grew up at different times.

[17:11] And I grew up with HBO and you didn't.

[17:14] Although HBO did show real genius a lot.

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:16] Anyway, we're like five minutes into the movie.

[17:19] Yeah.

[17:20] Sorry.

[17:20] The point is, he's supposed to find this metal apple because the assassins believe that there

[17:27] is no truth and there are no rules.

[17:29] And man was meant to be free.

[17:31] They're like ultra libertarians.

[17:33] Like, they're like college sophomore libertarians.

[17:36] And they believe they can kill anyone they want as long as it means freedom for everybody.

[17:40] Mm-hmm.

[17:40] Cut to 1986.

[17:43] And there's a young boy named Colum who tries to jump his bike off of a huge jump, fails,

[17:49] falls on some mattresses.

Stuart Wellington

[17:50] And they know that he bears within him the DNA of ancient assassins because he's wearing

[17:56] a hoodie.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] Mm-hmm.

[17:57] And the hood is the symbol of good in this.

[17:59] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] They rhyme.

[18:00] Hood rhymes with good.

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:01] Unlike the TV show, The Hood, which was not good.

[18:05] Or The Cape, which also was not good.

[18:07] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] That was right.

[18:07] It was called The Cape.

[18:08] It wasn't called The Hood.

[18:08] The Hood is a comic book.

[18:09] You can't spell good without hood.

Stuart Wellington

[18:12] G-H-O-O-D.

Elliott Kalan

[18:15] Good.

[18:16] I'm sorry.

[18:16] The Owls of Good.

[18:18] You're right.

[18:18] That show is called The Cape, not The Hood.

[18:20] And you can't spell The Cape without ape.

Stuart Wellington

[18:23] If only there was an ape in that show, I think it would have made it better.

[18:26] I would have watched it.

[18:27] Instead, it had a villain named Chess for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] Because he loves Andrew Lloyd Webber's 80s work.

[18:35] Sure.

[18:36] So he returns home to find that his mother has been killed.

[18:40] And his dad is wearing an assassin's hood and has a knife.

[18:44] And it looks like his dad killed his mother and the police are arriving.

[18:47] It's a real Sicario situation because they're in Mexico and it's all dusty and sandy.

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] And the kid's like, oh my god, you killed my mom.

[18:54] And his dad's like, I could explain to you what's going on, but fuck it, dude.

[18:57] I want you to bear a lifetime of anger toward me.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] I'll just say, live in the shadows while crazy by Patsy Cline.

[19:05] It's written by Willie Nelson.

[19:06] Or before him, Patsy Cline.

[19:07] Plays on the radio.

[19:09] He runs away.

[19:10] And the next thing, bam.

[19:11] It's 2016.

[19:13] And that boy, Callum, is now Michael Fassbender.

[19:16] And he's in jail for murder.

[19:19] We find out later he killed a pimp.

[19:21] We never really find out why.

[19:22] We don't know that guy's story.

[19:23] But we know that even though he's dressed all in white in his prison scrubs,

[19:27] he loves drawing charcoal drawings of cool, tough priest guys.

[19:32] And it looks like he's one of many prisoners who are trying to get into the comic book business

[19:36] and practice his drawings so that he can be a pro someday.

[19:39] But he's on death row.

[19:40] He's going to have to be a comic book pro from beyond the grave.

[19:43] Mm-hmm.

[19:45] Which I don't know if anyone's done.

[19:46] Have any ghosts really made it in the comic book world?

[19:48] I don't.

[19:48] I mean, Casper.

[19:50] That's true.

[19:51] Huge star.

[19:51] He's a big star in the comic book world.

[19:52] And it's framed in the ghosts everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] In cool world.

[19:56] Wasn't Gabriel Byrne's character in jail?

Dan McCoy

[19:59] Yes, he was.

[19:59] I thought you were going to say, wasn't he a ghost?

[20:01] Was he a ghost at any point?

[20:03] If you saw a director's cut of Cool World.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] You're thinking of the sequel to Cool World, Ghost World,

[20:09] in which all the characters came back as ghosts.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] That's a really interesting interpretation of Ghost World.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Hey, show me one thing in the text of that film that says that's not what happened.

Dan McCoy

[20:18] I'm imagining Elliot going to Ghost World and being so angry at it.

[20:21] He's walking out, throwing his hat on the ground.

[20:24] There were no ghosts in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] No ghosts.

[20:27] Unless they were all ghosts?

[20:30] Get me M. Night Shyamalan on the phone.

[20:32] Have I got a twist for you?

[20:34] You already made that movie?

[20:36] All right, never mind then.

[20:37] Hang up.

[20:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:39] And that was the story of the time Elliot called M. Night Shyamalan.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] I mean, I had his number.

[20:43] That's the hard thing.

[20:45] You might as well use it.

[20:45] Yeah, I looked up Night Shyamalan, M in the phone book,

[20:49] and it was listed at the time.

Dan McCoy

[20:53] M. Night.

[20:56] He answers it.

[20:56] Who is this?

Stuart Wellington

[20:58] Is this my pizza?

[21:00] Yep.

[21:01] Like, I'm calling you from beyond the grave, dude.

[21:03] I'm a ghost pizza.

[21:04] Dennis.

Elliott Kalan

[21:05] I'm like, Mr. Night Shyamalan, and he says, please, Mr. Night Shyamalan lives in Florida.

[21:09] Call me M.

[21:10] And I have a mission for you, Bond.

[21:12] Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

[21:14] Ba-dum-ba-dum-bop.

[21:17] Anyway, Michael Fassbender's on death row, and they give him lethal injection,

[21:22] but then he wakes up.

[21:23] It wasn't so lethal after all.

[21:25] And he's talking to Marion Cotillard.

[21:28] That's right, Talia Al Ghul herself.

[21:30] And she's telling him, everyone thinks you're dead,

[21:33] but now you're going to be part of a secret experiment.

[21:36] I'm trying to eradicate violence, which I believe is genetic,

[21:39] and you're violent, and everyone in your family is violent.

[21:42] We're going to hook you up to a machine called the Animus,

[21:45] which allows you to tap into the memories of your ancestors that are encoded in your DNA,

[21:49] which is crap.

[21:51] But at least it's like, I can buy a certain amount of crap science in a movie

[21:54] if the movie's going to do something with it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] And she also explains to him that the reason why he has lived a violent life

[22:01] is because violence is written into his DNA.

[22:04] All of his ancestors were assassins and killers.

[22:07] That's why he was on death row.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] And they believe if they can find the apple,

[22:12] they can use it to remove violence.

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] Not a DVD of the movie The Apple.

Elliott Kalan

[22:16] No, and not just an apple that she put in the fridge

[22:18] and wrote her name on, and somebody still ate it.

Dan McCoy

[22:21] Like wrote her name on the peel?

[22:22] Yeah, exactly.

[22:23] Wow.

[22:25] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[22:26] Do you peel your apples before you take a big old bite?

[22:29] No, I don't.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] You watch them at least, though, right?

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:32] So you wash the marker off.

[22:34] There's some wax on there I've got to get off there.

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:36] What?

[22:37] I mean, yeah, I guess if it's a dry erase marker,

[22:40] you can get rid of the marker.

[22:41] But if it's a Sharpie, you're just eating that Sharpie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:45] Yeah, I mean, I guess.

[22:46] I haven't practiced writing.

[22:48] Let's write an RNA.

Dan McCoy

[22:49] I want some apples right now and test it out.

[22:51] All right.

[22:51] You vamp for a minute while I go get apples.

Elliott Kalan

[22:53] Let me describe for the audience what's happening right now.

[22:54] Run out to the store and get apples.

[22:56] Now, Dan is pulling one apple out of his pocket.

[22:59] Stuart has an apple out of his pocket.

[23:00] Because I don't know if the listeners know this,

[23:02] but you're essentially Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.

[23:04] Yeah.

[23:04] And you just walk around with apples all the time

[23:06] in case you need a snack when you're done whitewashing a fence

[23:08] or escaping with a slave on a raft.

Dan McCoy

[23:10] We stole them from an apple cart on the way over to the podcast.

[23:13] Yeah.

[23:13] Which was then smashed by a car that was chasing us.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] Wait, here's the angry owner of the apple cart.

[23:18] Oh, he's shaking his fist and his mustache is bristling.

[23:21] He seems pretty unhappy, but now Dan is throwing him a $100 bill.

[23:26] Wow.

[23:26] This is his lucky day.

[23:28] Anyway, that's way more than he would get for those two apples normally.

[23:30] Now, anyway, Dan, $100 less, is writing his own name on the apple.

[23:35] T.

[23:36] Except he's really, like when you see kids practicing their signatures,

[23:41] like he's really doing it up.

[23:42] It's a lot of curlicues, a lot of crosshatching.

[23:45] He's trying to make one of the letters look three-dimensional.

[23:47] And all the letters are kind of linked together like it's his graffiti tag.

Stuart Wellington

[23:51] Oh, it looks like he's writing a nickname in between Dan McCoy.

[23:54] Does that say the Sperminator?

[23:56] That's fucking weird.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] It's a lot to fit on one apple.

[23:59] And yet Dan is doing it because he's writing Sperminator in very little letters.

[24:02] And now Stuart, as he opens his beer, is carving his name into the apple,

[24:05] which defeats the purpose of the experiment.

[24:08] Now Dan has dropped his phone because I guess he couldn't hold the apple and the phone

[24:11] and the marker at the same time.

[24:13] This whole time he's been juggling an apple, a marker, and his phone,

[24:16] which is foolish of him because he doesn't need the phone.

[24:18] I guess it's in case there's like a UPC symbol on the apple

[24:22] and he wants to get the hidden app tricks that the apple orchard put in there.

[24:27] Dan, there's no hidden app tricks for this apple.

[24:29] I know apple and app have some of the same letters,

[24:31] but app is not short for apple.

[24:32] What about apple the app?

[24:34] How does that fit in?

Stuart Wellington

[24:36] So let's go one memory deeper here, guys.

[24:39] Do you guys ever, when you pick up a product...

[24:41] That's the end of the classic Apple bit.

[24:43] Are you incepting now, Stuart?

[24:45] Yeah, so we're going to go one more deeper.

[24:46] When you pick up a product that has some kind of a weird code that's like,

[24:49] scan this, do you ever pull out your phone and use your camera?

Elliott Kalan

[24:52] No, never.

[24:53] I've never done that.

[24:54] You don't ever use your camera on it?

[24:55] I've never been so interested in what Rice Krispies has to tell me

[25:01] that I'm going to pull out my phone and bother to scan it

[25:04] and download their app.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] Yeah, where it's like, if you scan something into the app,

[25:08] I'll be like, you've unlocked the mystery to Rice Krispies.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] This is why it's Snap Crackles Pops,

[25:13] because they're filled with the souls of the damned.

[25:15] It's them screaming in pain as they drown in your milk.

[25:18] I didn't want to know this.

[25:20] Thanks for the app.

[25:23] So they want to find this apple,

[25:26] and they hook them into the Animus machine.

[25:28] Stuart, you need to find what the Animus machine looks like

[25:30] and how it operates.

Stuart Wellington

[25:31] Okay, the Animus machine looks like a long robot snake

[25:35] coming down from the ceiling,

[25:36] and it's got a little claw on the end,

[25:38] and it claws the back of Michael Fassbender.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] It's a little bit like a carnival claw game,

[25:43] except the only thing you can win is Michael Fassbender,

[25:45] but you do win every time.

Stuart Wellington

[25:46] You get it every time.

[25:47] Sometimes he's like wiggling all over the place,

[25:49] but that's okay.

[25:50] He's still Michael Fassbender.

Dan McCoy

[25:51] Or it ports into your neck, like,

[25:53] existence or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[25:54] Yeah, I mean, it's a pretty trad, like,

[25:57] cyberpunk idea of connecting to your brain

[26:00] by sticking something in the back of your head.

[26:01] Now, when he's in the Animus,

[26:03] does he just stand there still?

[26:05] No.

[26:05] Well, the first thing that happens

[26:07] is he launches up into the air.

Dan McCoy

[26:09] The first thing that happens is he takes his shirt off

[26:11] so we see his sweet cut body.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] And you're like,

[26:13] now I get why I did this movie.

[26:15] He wanted the excuse to hit a trainer really hard,

[26:18] so he gets shredded.

[26:19] And so he first rises up into the air

[26:22] and you see that body and it's full glory.

[26:25] And when I say glory,

[26:26] I mean he's in a Jesus Christ pose.

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:30] He's got his arms out.

[26:31] He's got his wrist blades on

[26:32] because they had to put those on

[26:33] if he's going in the Animus.

Elliott Kalan

[26:34] They have a collection of ancient weapons

[26:37] at this place because it's,

[26:39] well, let's describe the place he's in.

[26:40] It's like a maximum security Gattaca prison

[26:43] with a lot of guards.

[26:45] I think, Dan,

[26:46] were you the one talking about

[26:47] how expensive it must be?

[26:48] Yeah, I don't know who's funding this operation.

[26:50] And it's run by Marion Cotillard

[26:52] and her dad, Jeremy Irons,

[26:53] in a role that demands

[26:54] as much looking at things while scowling

[26:57] as one man can do in a film.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] It's a lot like the set of,

[27:00] like, the facility in Cabin in the Woods

[27:03] or the, I don't know,

[27:07] like the island in the island

[27:09] or, I don't know,

[27:11] like the place Harrison Bergeron would have to live.

Elliott Kalan

[27:15] And, yeah, it's one of those places

[27:18] that doesn't look like a place

[27:20] actually humans would spend too much time.

[27:22] There is one room where the inmates get to hang out

[27:24] because Fast Men is not the only one

[27:25] that has plants in it,

[27:27] which doubles as their cafeteria and rec room, I guess.

[27:31] I want to say one thing about Jeremy Irons in this role.

[27:34] Not since Raymond Burr in Godzilla King of the Monsters

[27:37] as an actor felt so injected into a film.

[27:40] The man stared out so many windows.

[27:42] Oh, yeah.

[27:43] As a man stood and stared at things

[27:44] where you're like,

[27:45] did they even tell him

[27:46] what he's supposed to be looking at in this scene?

[27:48] He does have a few speaking lines.

[27:50] He interacts with Michael Fassbender,

[27:51] Marion Cotillard,

[27:52] and he is clearly a dad

[27:54] who is close to the Templars.

[27:56] He meets a couple times

[27:56] with the head of the Templars,

[27:58] who's a lady

[27:59] because the Templars are woke and progressive.

[28:01] Yeah.

[28:02] And, but Marion Cotillard,

[28:05] she's like,

[28:05] they're giving me the funding

[28:06] to eliminate violence.

[28:07] This is great.

[28:08] Anyway, so.

[28:08] And I'm going to do that

[28:09] with my magical science claw.

[28:12] And the magical science claw

[28:13] only works, as you mentioned,

[28:15] if they give him his weapons

[28:16] that his ancestor used.

[28:17] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] So he has his wrist-mounted blades.

[28:19] So he rises up in the air

[28:20] and then all of a sudden

[28:21] he is slowly taken back

[28:23] through the mists of time.

[28:27] You might call it a porthole of time.

[28:28] Mm-hmm.

[28:29] All the way to the memories

[28:32] of one of his ancestors.

[28:34] And then with the assistance

[28:35] of the claw that can lift him up in the air,

[28:39] he kind of like lives out

[28:41] and reenacts all the memories

[28:43] of his one specific ancestor.

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] He, Aguilar.

[28:47] Aguilar, yeah.

[28:48] Who we met in the beginning of the movie.

[28:48] Now he is essentially playing

[28:50] a virtual reality game

[28:51] in which he sees Aguilar's memories

[28:53] and he acts out the movements.

[28:55] Mm-hmm.

[28:55] And it's a little bit like

[28:56] if you've ever seen someone

[28:57] using Oculus Rift

[28:59] and you're just watching them

[29:00] react to things that you can't see

[29:02] and it looks hilarious.

Stuart Wellington

[29:03] I mean, they make it look like you,

[29:06] when you're wearing the Oculus Rift,

[29:08] what you think you look like

[29:09] is like,

[29:10] you want to assume people think

[29:11] you look super cut and cool.

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:13] And occasionally there's like

[29:14] shadow monsters that you're punching.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] That's the other thing is that

[29:17] as the movie goes on,

[29:18] everyone else can see

[29:20] what he's seeing more and more.

[29:21] That's weird.

[29:23] It's something I don't remember

[29:24] if they ever fully explained.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] Well, also,

[29:27] Marion Cotillard says that

[29:29] he can't change the past week over this.

[29:32] Like he's just...

[29:33] Oh no, yeah.

[29:33] He's just reliving memories.

[29:34] He's just there to like,

[29:35] because they want to follow him

[29:37] to see where he took the apple.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] His ancestor took the apple.

[29:41] They want to find out where it went.

[29:43] But it's like,

[29:44] the screenwriter's like...

[29:45] This is the easiest way to do it.

[29:46] Is to tap into his DNA memory

Dan McCoy

[29:48] and make him relive it.

[29:50] But the screenwriter's like,

[29:51] what's the least exciting way

[29:52] I could do this?

[29:53] What can I do that would remove

[29:55] my hero's agency entirely?

[29:57] I'll just have him be reliving

[29:58] a thing that already happened

[29:59] but not be able to affect it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] All contraire, Dan.

[30:02] Oh.

[30:02] Because he starts experiencing

[30:04] what they call the bleeding effect,

[30:06] where suddenly he's hallucinating

[30:08] Aguilar all over the place,

[30:10] and Aguilar starts giving him

[30:11] the strength he needs.

Stuart Wellington

[30:12] All over the place

[30:13] in the three rooms

[30:15] he's allowed to go into.

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] Yeah, because for this entire

[30:17] monolithic cell block,

[30:20] enormous facility,

[30:21] we really only see

[30:22] a couple of the rooms.

[30:23] Yeah.

[30:23] But Aguilar starts kind of

[30:25] teaching him that

[30:26] he's got the moves,

[30:27] he's got the grooves,

[30:28] he's got the power

[30:29] inside of him.

[30:30] There's a great scene

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] where he does a little martial arts fight

[30:33] with the ghost of Aguilar.

[30:36] That's pretty cool, right?

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] No, but...

[30:39] I mean, how did either of them

Stuart Wellington

[30:40] learn martial arts, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Well, Aguilar grew up in Spain

[30:44] in the 15th century,

[30:45] the home of martial arts.

[30:47] Yeah.

[30:47] And you've got to assume

[30:48] that Cal picked up

[30:49] some tips in jail

[30:50] when he wasn't charcoal drawing.

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] Now, luckily for you guys,

[30:52] I was here today,

[30:53] so I could explain to you

[30:54] that the reason why

[30:55] he was able to learn

[30:56] those martial arts,

[30:58] why it was the home

[30:58] of martial arts back then,

[31:00] was because

[31:00] when Marco Polo

[31:01] returned from China,

[31:02] in addition to

[31:03] the secrets of Pisgietti,

[31:05] he brought along

[31:06] the secrets of martial arts.

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] Really?

[31:07] That's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[31:08] Yeah, yeah.

[31:09] Marco Polo had Jeffy

[31:11] from Family Circus

[31:12] along with him,

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] apparently.

[31:14] Yeah, he's like,

[31:15] I need a name.

[31:17] Well, why do you think

[31:18] it took him so long

[31:18] to get back to Italy

[31:20] from China

[31:21] as they did such a crazy

[31:22] roundabout route

[31:23] with dotted lines

[31:24] following them over

[31:25] and they had to stop

[31:25] in every yard in town

[31:26] before they got back to Italy.

Stuart Wellington

[31:28] Yep.

[31:28] And then, yeah,

[31:29] the Queen of Spain's like,

[31:31] the Chinese people

[31:32] were really mad

[31:33] because they say

[31:34] somebody stole all this stuff.

[31:35] Who stole all this stuff?

[31:36] And he said,

[31:37] Not me.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] And two mischievous ghosts

[31:42] went to hang out

[31:43] with the kids' grandpa in heaven.

[31:45] To hang out with

[31:46] the kids from Love Is.

[31:49] Oh, okay.

[31:49] I mean, they're all naked,

[31:50] I guess.

[31:52] Now, is it creepy

[31:52] that the grandpa...

[31:52] Wait a minute.

[31:53] Is not me, like,

[31:54] actually a ghost?

[31:56] It's, I mean,

[31:57] it's unclear

[31:58] based on the text

[31:59] whether they are

[32:00] actual ghosts or spirits

[32:02] or just meant to be

[32:03] personifications of

[32:05] the idea of escaping

[32:06] blame.

[32:07] If Bill Keen is,

[32:08] and now Bill Keen's son,

[32:10] who I guess does the strip now,

[32:11] I think,

[32:11] if they're having

[32:12] a bit of a laugh

[32:13] at kids

[32:14] or if the family circus

[32:16] characters do live

[32:17] in a world

[32:18] in which spirits

[32:18] affect physical

[32:20] material objects.

[32:21] Now, again,

[32:21] I'll mention,

[32:22] their grandpa's angel

[32:23] is constantly

[32:24] looking down on them.

[32:25] So we do live

[32:26] in a world

[32:27] where there is

[32:27] a kind of metaphysical

[32:28] supernatural reality

[32:30] in the spirit realm.

Stuart Wellington

[32:31] But their grandpa

[32:32] existed, right?

[32:33] He wasn't, like,

[32:35] the idea of a grandpa

[32:36] given spiritual form.

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] Well, we don't know

[32:38] that there wasn't

[32:39] a not me

[32:39] and an I don't know.

[32:40] That's what I'm trying

[32:41] to find out.

[32:42] Who lived in the

[32:42] family circus's house

[32:44] or circus

[32:44] and are now

[32:46] haunting them.

[32:47] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] So they were the family

[32:48] that lived in that home

[32:49] previously.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] Yeah.

[32:51] I like to believe

[32:52] that the dead

[32:52] in family circus,

[32:53] they were his family

[32:54] and he murdered them.

[32:55] Okay.

[32:56] Then he married

[32:56] a new woman,

[32:57] started a new family

[32:58] and not me and I

[32:59] to know are like,

[32:59] we've got to cause

[33:00] mischief so we can

[33:01] get a message

[33:01] across these kids

[33:02] to leave so that

[33:03] they aren't

[33:04] the next victims.

[33:05] It's a real

[33:05] the stepdad situation.

[33:06] There's something

Stuart Wellington

[33:07] about the dad

[33:09] from family circuses,

[33:11] those glasses he wears

[33:13] and the kind of

[33:14] His blank affect.

[33:15] And like,

[33:16] the blankness

[33:16] behind those glasses,

[33:17] it's like Dirk Backdurf's

[33:19] My Friend Dahmer

[33:20] comic book.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] And also the way

[33:24] that the dad

[33:25] is always pretending

[33:26] to have seizures

[33:27] as a joke,

[33:28] just like in

[33:29] My Friend Dahmer.

[33:30] There's a lot of

[33:31] similarities between

[33:33] Derf Backdurf's

[33:34] material and

[33:35] Bill Keen's.

[33:36] Yeah.

[33:37] I think the dad

[33:38] is actually kind of

[33:38] supposed to be

[33:39] Bill Keen.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] I'm not sure about that.

[33:42] My dad married up,

[33:43] though.

[33:43] I mean,

[33:43] we can all agree,

[33:44] right,

[33:44] Val?

[33:45] Oh,

[33:45] yeah,

[33:45] she's super hot.

Elliott Kalan

[33:46] And in the 90s

[33:47] they changed

[33:48] your haircut

[33:48] and she looked

[33:49] even better.

[33:50] It's a Blondie Dagwood

[33:51] situation.

[33:52] Look,

[33:52] it's a King

[33:53] and Queen's

[33:53] situation.

[33:54] These hot women

[33:55] are stuck with

[33:55] these not

[33:56] attractive guys.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] Well,

[33:57] Dagwood can eat

[33:58] a fucking sandwich

[33:59] and take a nap.

[34:00] I mean.

[34:01] You're right,

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] he's every woman's

[34:02] dream.

[34:03] You're right,

[34:03] that's a Bachelor

[34:04] situation.

[34:06] You know,

[34:06] Blondie was just

[34:07] lucky to get his

[34:08] rose at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[34:09] I can only imagine

[34:11] the dates they

[34:13] would go on

[34:13] in Dagwood's

[34:15] Bachelor

[34:15] where it's like,

[34:16] you all get to

[34:17] make the sloppiest,

[34:18] tallest sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] Another sandwich

[34:22] one.

[34:23] How I wish

[34:24] this was a

[34:25] comic strip

[34:25] podcast.

[34:27] Well,

[34:27] then we could

[34:27] talk about how

[34:28] they're not all

[34:28] couples that are

[34:29] mismatched.

[34:30] High and Lois,

[34:31] they're so close

[34:31] together they could

[34:32] be brother and

[34:32] sister,

[34:33] which brings me

[34:33] to my next

[34:34] theory that

[34:34] High and Lois

[34:35] are actually

[34:35] brother and

[34:36] sister.

[34:37] Now,

[34:37] Lois is

[34:38] Beetle Bailey's

[34:39] cousin,

[34:40] right?

[34:40] Or something like

[34:40] that?

Dan McCoy

[34:41] I believe that's

[34:41] right.

[34:42] Cousin or

[34:42] sister.

[34:43] I can't remember

[34:43] which one.

[34:44] They're related.

[34:44] It wouldn't be

Elliott Kalan

[34:44] sister because

[34:45] they'd be

[34:45] married,

[34:46] as High and

[34:46] Lois are.

[34:47] I guess it

[34:47] would make High

[34:48] Beetle Bailey's

[34:49] cousin,

[34:49] too,

[34:50] if High and

[34:50] Lois are

[34:50] brother and

[34:51] sister.

[34:51] Now,

[34:52] if they were

[34:54] strapped into

Stuart Wellington

[34:54] the Animus,

[34:55] would they go

[34:56] back in time

[34:57] to BC or

[34:58] Croc or

[34:59] something?

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] Yeah,

[35:00] probably they

[35:01] go back

[35:01] through Wizard

[35:03] of Id,

[35:03] back through

[35:04] BC.

[35:05] Wait,

[35:05] wait,

[35:05] wait.

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] Where does

[35:07] Wizard of Id

[35:07] fall in the

[35:08] time frame

[35:08] between BC

[35:09] and Croc?

Dan McCoy

[35:12] In between.

[35:12] In between,

[35:13] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:13] Okay,

[35:14] I guess.

[35:14] I mean,

[35:14] when were

[35:15] wizards around?

[35:16] It's clearly

[35:16] like the Middle

[35:17] Ages.

[35:18] There's knights

[35:18] and a king

[35:19] and a castle

[35:20] and a wizard.

[35:20] Yeah.

[35:21] Although the

[35:21] king,

[35:22] I mean,

[35:23] let's just

[35:23] face it,

[35:25] he's a fink.

Dan McCoy

[35:26] That's what

[35:26] I've been told.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] I've been led

[35:28] to believe.

[35:29] And that's the

[35:29] comic strip that

[35:30] as a kid I was

[35:31] like,

[35:31] that's your

[35:31] punchline?

[35:32] He's a fink?

[35:33] Like,

[35:33] that's it?

[35:34] That's it?

[35:35] Okay.

[35:36] Let me just

[35:37] say one thing

[35:37] about this.

[35:37] I imagine

Dan McCoy

[35:38] it's like a

[35:39] comic strip for

[35:40] people who can't

[35:41] swear.

[35:41] I'm like,

[35:42] oh,

[35:42] think.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] Finally.

[35:44] Finally,

[35:45] someone's saying

[35:45] it.

[35:46] Now,

[35:46] Dan,

[35:47] we gotta get

[35:47] back to the

[35:47] movie.

[35:47] We've been

[35:48] distracted enough

[35:48] as our rulers

[35:49] would have us

[35:50] be by family

[35:50] bread and family

[35:51] circuses.

[35:52] So it's on to

[35:53] back to the

[35:54] film where,

[35:56] to make a long

[35:56] story short,

[35:58] Fassbender starts

[35:59] making friends

[35:59] with the other

[36:00] people at the

[36:01] prison who

[36:01] were also

[36:02] descended from

[36:02] assassins.

[36:04] He goes

[36:05] through a bunch

[36:05] of action

[36:05] sequences in

[36:07] his memories,

[36:08] the first of

[36:08] which they're

[36:09] on a stage

[36:10] coach kind

[36:11] of thing

[36:11] with horses

[36:12] and they're

[36:12] going through

[36:12] all these

[36:13] valleys that

[36:13] you know

[36:14] an Italian

[36:14] western was

[36:15] probably shot

[36:16] in at some

[36:16] point.

[36:17] Made me really

[36:18] wish I was

[36:18] watching any

[36:19] Italian western

[36:19] because it

Stuart Wellington

[36:20] would have

[36:20] been better

[36:21] than this.

[36:21] There's a lot

[36:21] of fight

[36:22] scenes where

[36:22] an assassin

[36:23] is rushed

[36:25] by a

[36:26] Templar dude

[36:27] and the

[36:28] Templar dude

[36:28] does a big

[36:29] haymaker

[36:29] swing with

[36:30] his sword.

[36:31] That's the

[36:31] assassin's turn

[36:32] to duck

[36:33] or block

[36:33] and then

[36:34] stab him

[36:34] a bunch.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] Yeah,

[36:35] the assassin

[36:36] scenes almost

[36:36] always seem

[36:37] to end with

[36:38] him hanging

[36:39] off of

[36:39] something or

[36:40] about to

[36:40] jump off

[36:41] of something.

[36:42] And one

[36:42] of the

[36:43] movie's

[36:43] tricks is

[36:44] the good

[36:44] guys can

[36:45] always survive

[36:47] these enormous

[36:47] jumps off of

[36:48] 50 foot towers

[36:49] because as soon

[36:50] as they're about

[36:51] to hit the

[36:51] ground,

[36:52] Michael

[36:52] Fassbender

[36:52] wakes up

[36:53] out of his

[36:53] memory.

[36:54] and then when

[36:54] he goes back

[36:55] into his

[36:55] next memory

[36:56] the Templar

[36:56] is just

[36:56] fine.

[36:57] And you're

[36:58] like,

[36:58] wait,

[36:58] what happened

[36:58] to the

[36:59] guy in

[36:59] the past?

[37:00] How did

[37:00] he jump

[37:01] off the

[37:01] building

[37:01] and survive?

[37:03] Yeah,

[37:03] yeah,

[37:03] it's a whole

[37:04] Wile E.

[37:04] Coyote

[37:05] situation.

[37:06] Aguilar

[37:06] would get

[37:07] flattened

[37:07] and hold

[37:08] up a

[37:08] sign that

[37:08] said,

[37:09] yikes,

[37:10] or like,

[37:11] ouch,

[37:11] and then

[37:11] his body

[37:12] would pop

[37:13] up like

[37:13] an accordion

[37:13] and he'd

[37:14] walk off

[37:15] screen,

[37:15] black out,

[37:15] he's fine.

[37:16] All right.

[37:18] Problem

[37:18] solved,

[37:18] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] So in

[37:20] the real

[37:21] world,

[37:22] he's kind

[37:23] of going

[37:23] along with

[37:23] this,

[37:24] but they

[37:24] realize that

[37:25] he's not

[37:26] really giving

[37:27] himself into

[37:27] the project

[37:28] entirely,

[37:28] so they

[37:29] reveal to him

[37:30] that they

[37:31] have his

[37:32] father who

[37:32] killed his

[37:33] mom.

[37:33] Now,

[37:33] Marion

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] Cotillard

[37:34] starts,

[37:34] they become

[37:35] a little

[37:35] friendly,

[37:36] her and

[37:36] Fassbender,

[37:36] but yeah,

[37:37] they reveal

[37:37] that his

[37:38] dad is in

[37:38] there too.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] Yeah,

[37:40] and so they

[37:40] give him the

[37:41] opportunity to

[37:42] like,

[37:43] get his

[37:44] revenge.

[37:45] To, as

[37:45] Macaulay Culkin

[37:46] did,

[37:46] get even

[37:46] with dad.

[37:47] Yeah,

[37:47] exactly.

[37:48] I think

[37:49] they say

[37:49] that to

[37:50] him.

[37:50] They show

[37:51] him the

[37:51] movie to

[37:52] explain the

[37:52] reference,

[37:53] because he

[37:53] hadn't seen

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] it.

[37:54] He hadn't

[37:54] seen it,

[37:54] because for

[37:55] some reason,

[37:55] he somehow

[37:56] missed the

[37:56] blockbuster

[37:57] Ted Danson

[37:59] vehicle,

[38:00] the movie

[38:00] that finally

[38:00] brought together

[38:01] America's two

[38:02] favorite stars,

[38:02] Ted Danson

[38:03] and Macaulay

[38:03] Culkin.

[38:04] Ted Danson

[38:04] was playing

[38:05] the dad,

[38:05] right?

[38:06] Yes,

[38:06] and Macaulay

[38:07] Culkin played

[38:07] Greg Even.

[38:09] Yep,

[38:09] right,

Dan McCoy

[38:09] thank you,

[38:10] thank you for

[38:10] drawing my

[38:11] memory.

[38:12] We got the

[38:12] VHS tape

[38:13] out from my

[38:14] hometown

[38:14] library,

[38:15] where it

[38:16] was one of

[38:16] the few

[38:16] tapes you

[38:17] could get.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] Now,

[38:18] Dan,

[38:18] Stuart,

[38:19] let me ask

[38:19] you a

[38:19] question,

[38:20] and maybe

[38:20] you can help

[38:20] me.

[38:20] I don't have

[38:21] a therapist,

[38:21] but maybe you

[38:22] can be that

[38:22] for me.

[38:23] I saw

[38:23] Getting Even

[38:24] With Dad

[38:24] once,

[38:25] when it came

[38:26] out,

[38:27] on the same

[38:27] day I saw

[38:28] The Lion

[38:29] King.

[38:30] Yep.

[38:30] why do I

[38:31] still remember

[38:31] whole scenes

[38:32] of Getting

[38:33] Even With

[38:33] Dad,

[38:34] and yet

[38:34] there are

[38:35] events of

[38:36] my own

[38:36] life that

[38:37] my wife

[38:37] will tell

[38:38] me,

[38:38] remember

[38:38] when we

[38:38] did this?

[38:38] And I'll

[38:39] be like,

[38:39] I don't

[38:39] remember that.

[38:40] I don't

[38:41] remember that

[38:41] vacation we

[38:42] took.

[38:43] But if she

[38:43] said,

[38:44] hey,

[38:44] what did

[38:45] do with the

[38:45] money that

[38:46] they stole

[38:46] in Getting

[38:47] Even

[38:47] With Dad?

[38:47] I'd be like,

[38:48] he put it

[38:49] in the sports

[38:49] bag that he

[38:50] then hung

[38:50] on the mannequin

[38:51] in the department

[38:51] store in the

[38:52] mall so that

[38:53] his dad

[38:53] couldn't find

[38:53] it,

[38:53] but he'd

[38:54] know where

[38:54] it was.

[38:55] I really

[38:55] wish I could.

[38:56] This movie I

[38:56] saw once,

[38:57] on the same

[38:57] day I saw

[38:58] a much

[38:58] better movie.

Stuart Wellington

[39:00] I really

[39:00] would have

[39:00] loved to

[39:01] have been

[39:01] in your

[39:01] classics

[39:02] class when

[39:02] somebody was

[39:03] describing the

[39:04] story of

[39:05] Oedipus and

[39:05] you're like,

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] oh,

[39:06] it's like

[39:06] Getting

[39:07] Even

[39:07] With Dad.

[39:09] I think

[39:10] that was

[39:10] Sophocles'

[39:11] original title.

[39:12] It was

[39:12] Getting

[39:13] Even

[39:13] With Dad.

Dan McCoy

[39:14] That was a

[39:14] weird scene

[39:15] when Macaulay

[39:15] Culkin poked

[39:16] his own eyes

[39:17] out at the

[39:17] end of

[39:17] Getting

[39:17] Even

[39:18] With Dad.

[39:18] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[39:18] it was

[39:19] uncalled

[39:19] before.

[39:20] And he

[39:21] said,

[39:21] ah,

[39:22] right?

[39:22] His classic

[39:23] catchphrase.

[39:23] Yeah,

[39:24] that's right.

[39:25] His classic

[39:25] catchphrase.

Elliott Kalan

[39:28] He did

[39:29] the same

[39:29] hands on

[39:30] the cheeks

[39:30] thing,

[39:30] but there

[39:31] was blood

[39:31] pouring out

[39:32] of his

[39:32] eyes.

[39:34] So anyway,

[39:35] back to

[39:36] Assassin's

[39:36] Creed.

[39:36] He meets

[39:37] up with

[39:37] his dad

[39:38] and they

[39:38] have kind

[39:38] of a

[39:39] heart-to-heart

[39:39] and his

[39:40] dad tells

[39:41] him like,

[39:42] but basically

[39:43] tells him

[39:43] His dad

[39:43] played by

[39:44] star of

Stuart Wellington

[39:45] many sword

[39:46] based movies,

[39:47] Brendan

[39:47] Gleeson.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] And the

[39:48] movie's

[39:49] really waiting

[39:49] to reveal

[39:50] that Brendan

[39:51] Gleeson is

[39:51] in it.

[39:52] An actor I

[39:52] like a lot.

[39:53] He's really

[39:53] good.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] The problem

[39:57] with this

[39:57] movie is

[39:57] not the

[39:58] cast.

[39:59] I mean,

[39:59] this cast

[40:00] is stacked.

Stuart Wellington

[40:02] I mean,

[40:03] we just

[40:03] watched

[40:04] Collateral

[40:04] Beauty a

[40:05] couple weeks

[40:05] ago and

[40:06] that had

[40:06] like seven

[40:07] Academy

[40:07] Award nominees

[40:08] in it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] I mean,

[40:11] this movie

[40:11] is confident

[40:12] enough that

[40:12] they can

[40:12] have Michael

[40:13] K.

[40:13] Williams in

[40:13] it and

[40:14] barely give

[40:14] him anything

[40:14] to do.

[40:15] Yeah.

[40:16] And he

[40:17] says basically,

[40:18] is this when

[40:18] he tells

[40:19] him basically,

[40:20] look,

[40:20] your mom

[40:20] was an

[40:20] assassin too.

[40:21] Yes.

[40:22] And she

[40:22] wanted to

[40:23] die rather

[40:23] than be

[40:24] captured.

[40:24] So I

[40:24] did what

[40:25] she wanted.

[40:26] I could

[40:26] have killed

[40:27] myself.

[40:27] Instead,

[40:28] I escaped

[40:29] to live

[40:29] another day

[40:30] instead of

[40:31] helping your

[40:31] mom escape.

[40:32] It's not

[40:33] really sure

[40:33] why he

[40:33] that's a

Stuart Wellington

[40:34] weird choice,

[40:35] especially

[40:35] if she's

[40:36] also an

[40:36] assassin.

[40:37] Yeah.

[40:37] Unless like

[40:38] she like

[40:40] has been

[40:40] out of the

[40:40] game for

[40:41] a while

[40:41] and would

[40:42] slow him

[40:42] down.

[40:43] Possible,

[40:44] yeah.

[40:44] Also,

[40:44] he killed

[40:45] her and

[40:46] then at

[40:47] no point

[40:47] did it

[40:48] look like

[40:48] he was

[40:48] planning on

[40:49] actually

[40:49] killing

[40:49] his son.

[40:50] No.

[40:51] So it

[40:51] seems like

[40:51] deep down

[40:52] he was

[40:52] like,

Elliott Kalan

[40:54] well,

[40:55] I kind

[40:56] of wanted

[40:57] to kill

[40:57] her anyway.

[40:58] this is

[40:59] the chance

[40:59] to finally

[41:00] be a

[41:00] single dad

[41:01] living the

[41:02] Ed O'Neill

[41:03] in Dutch

[41:03] scenario that

[41:04] I've always

[41:04] wanted to be

[41:05] a part of.

[41:06] Now I know

[41:06] Ed O'Neill

[41:07] was not the

[41:07] kid's dad

[41:08] in Dutch.

[41:08] I think he

[41:08] was dating

[41:09] the kid's mom.

[41:09] I mean,

[41:09] by the end

[41:10] he kind

[41:10] of is.

[41:10] By the end

[41:11] he became

[41:11] a father

[41:11] figure.

[41:12] He introduced

[41:12] him to

[41:12] nudie

[41:13] playing cards

[41:13] and I

[41:14] don't

[41:14] remember

[41:15] what else.

[41:15] I think

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] the kid's

[41:15] dad was

[41:16] the guy

[41:16] who's

[41:16] like a

[41:17] bad

[41:17] guy

[41:17] in

[41:17] Adam

[41:18] Sandler

[41:18] movies.

[41:19] What's

[41:19] that actor's

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] in

[41:29] what's

[41:31] the Darren Aronofsky

[41:31] movie where

[41:32] they're all

[41:32] on drugs?

[41:33] Requiem for a

[41:33] Dream?

[41:34] Yeah.

[41:35] And he

[41:36] played

[41:36] Ward Cleaver

[41:37] in the

[41:38] Leave it

[41:38] to Beaver

[41:38] movie?

[41:39] Mm-hmm.

[41:39] Damn,

[41:40] what's his

[41:40] name?

Stuart Wellington

[41:40] I don't

[41:41] know.

[41:41] Good thing

[41:41] we don't

[41:42] have IMDB.

[41:43] I have

[41:43] mine's

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] already

[41:45] open to

[41:45] Assassin's

[41:45] Creed.

[41:46] Anyway,

[41:46] the point

[41:46] is

[41:47] he keeps

[41:48] going back

[41:49] in these

[41:49] memories

[41:50] and he

[41:50] sees his

[41:51] ancestors

[41:51] finally

[41:54] defeat

[41:55] Takamata

[41:56] and get

[41:57] the leader

[41:58] of the

[41:58] Inquisition

[41:58] and get

[41:59] the apple

[42:00] back

[42:00] and he

[42:02] decides that

[42:03] you know

[42:03] what?

[42:04] He's not

[42:04] going to

[42:05] help these

[42:05] guys anymore

[42:06] and starts

[42:06] being clear

[42:07] to Marian

[42:08] Cotillard

[42:08] that her

[42:09] dad,

[42:09] Jeremy

[42:09] Irons,

[42:10] was never

[42:10] really interested

[42:11] in her

[42:11] research but

[42:12] just wanted

[42:12] to help

[42:13] it,

[42:13] use it

[42:13] to find

[42:14] the apples

[42:14] so the

[42:14] Templars

[42:15] could take

[42:15] over the

[42:15] world.

[42:17] Christopher

[42:17] MacDonald.

[42:18] Christopher

Stuart Wellington

[42:18] MacDonald.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] Thank you.

[42:20] Christopher

[42:20] MacDonald.

[42:22] Okay,

[42:23] go back.

[42:23] Thank you

[42:24] for finding

[42:25] that.

[42:25] It would

[42:25] have

[42:25] bothered me.

[42:26] You're welcome.

[42:26] Till the end

[42:28] long story

[42:30] short,

[42:30] there's a

[42:33] revolt at

[42:34] this space

[42:35] jail where

[42:36] everyone

[42:37] tacks into

Stuart Wellington

[42:38] their fighting

[42:38] powers.

[42:39] Yeah,

[42:39] the plan

[42:39] to find

[42:40] the

[42:40] descendants

[42:41] of

[42:41] assassins,

[42:43] which I

[42:44] would think

[42:45] that

[42:45] assassin is

[42:46] a career

[42:47] that wouldn't

[42:47] leave a lot

[42:48] of time

[42:48] for raising

[42:49] a family,

[42:50] but I guess

[42:51] as luck

[42:52] would have

[42:52] it,

[42:53] these were

[42:53] very fertile

[42:54] assassins.

Elliott Kalan

[42:57] And then,

[42:57] so.

[42:58] Much like

[42:58] Johnny

[42:59] Assassin

[42:59] Seed,

[43:00] who roamed

[43:00] America,

[43:01] having sex

[43:02] with women

[43:02] to leave

[43:02] assassin

[43:03] babies

[43:03] behind.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] So,

[43:05] for some

[43:05] reason,

[43:06] collecting all

[43:06] these violent

[43:07] people and

[43:08] then having

[43:08] them learn

[43:09] all the

[43:10] assassin

[43:10] abilities from

[43:11] their past

[43:11] lives was a

[43:12] bad idea.

[43:13] And be given

Elliott Kalan

[43:14] their magic

[43:14] traditional

[43:15] weapons.

Stuart Wellington

[43:16] So,

[43:16] that's the

[43:17] thing,

[43:17] like,

[43:17] during this,

[43:18] this is a

[43:18] big action

[43:19] sequence,

[43:19] and this is

[43:20] also the

[43:20] moment where

[43:21] a lot of

[43:21] these,

[43:21] like,

[43:22] characters get

[43:22] to do a

[43:23] lot of

[43:23] cool jumps

[43:23] and flips

[43:24] and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] Now,

[43:24] at the same

[43:25] time,

[43:25] there's a lot

[43:26] of smoke

[43:26] bombs going

[43:27] off,

[43:27] so it

[43:27] continues

[43:27] the movie's

[43:28] trend of

[43:28] action

[43:29] scenes that

[43:30] are very

[43:30] smoky and

[43:31] shadowy,

[43:31] so you can't

[43:32] really tell

[43:32] who's

[43:33] doing

[43:33] what.

Stuart Wellington

[43:34] But,

[43:35] like,

[43:36] there's

[43:36] something about

[43:36] the fact

[43:37] that,

[43:37] clearly,

[43:38] they are so

[43:39] much better

[43:40] than the

[43:40] people they're

[43:41] fighting,

[43:42] and there's

[43:42] been nothing

[43:43] up to this

[43:44] point that

[43:44] feels like

[43:45] they're genuine,

[43:46] like,

[43:47] they feel like

[43:48] they're in

[43:49] jail,

[43:49] but they don't

[43:49] feel like

[43:50] they're,

[43:50] like,

[43:50] genuinely

[43:51] mistreated.

[43:52] It's not

[43:52] like,

[43:53] when,

[43:53] like,

[43:53] the evil

[43:54] warden gets

[43:55] it in

[43:55] Shawshank

[43:55] Redemption.

[43:56] No,

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] but their

[43:57] freedom has

[43:57] been taken

[43:58] away.

[43:58] You know,

[43:58] it's like,

[43:59] even a beautiful

[44:01] cage is still

[44:02] a cage.

Stuart Wellington

[44:02] But,

[44:03] I mean,

[44:03] there's a way

[44:04] to do that

[44:05] and make a

[44:06] person feel

[44:06] that way.

[44:07] The movie

[44:08] does not

[44:08] really stress

[44:09] that much

[44:10] how,

[44:10] like,

[44:11] how bad

[44:12] they have it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] Oh,

[44:12] no,

[44:12] I mean,

[44:13] it looks

[44:13] like what I,

[44:14] as a disturbed

[44:15] teenager,

[44:16] always imagined

[44:16] going to a

[44:17] sanitarium might

[44:18] be,

[44:19] where it's

[44:19] like,

[44:19] oh,

[44:20] I just get

[44:20] to do

[44:20] whatever I

[44:21] want all

[44:21] day,

[44:21] and I have

[44:22] no responsibilities.

[44:23] Oh,

[44:23] this is great.

[44:24] This seems

[44:24] fine to me.

[44:26] Luckily,

[44:27] I never

[44:27] followed through

[44:28] on that idea.

[44:29] On that life

[44:30] path?

[44:30] Did not pretend

[44:32] to get into a

[44:32] sanitarium?

[44:33] Because that's

[44:34] a one-way ticket

[44:34] to getting

[44:35] suffocated by

[44:36] a big Native

[44:36] American before

[44:37] he throws a

[44:37] water fountain

[44:38] through a

[44:38] window.

[44:39] That's what

[44:39] happens if you

[44:40] pretend to be

[44:40] crazy to get

[44:41] into a

[44:41] sanitarium.

[44:42] Right,

[44:42] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[44:43] You're really

[44:43] making it sound

[44:44] like the Native

[44:44] American was

[44:45] the problem

[44:45] in this equation.

[44:46] Not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] Look,

[44:48] the problem was

[44:49] a non-crazy

[44:50] person trying to

[44:51] get in there

[44:51] and expecting

[44:52] to come out

[44:52] okay.

[44:53] Yeah.

[44:54] Oh,

[44:54] also his

[44:54] brain got

[44:55] taken out

[44:55] before he

[44:55] got

Dan McCoy

[44:55] suffered.

[44:56] That's

[44:56] right.

[44:56] Nurse

[44:57] Ratched

[44:57] took his

[44:57] brain.

[44:58] Maybe

[44:58] that's

[44:59] more

[44:59] key to

[45:00] the

[45:00] nurse.

[45:00] He's totally

[45:01] Ratched.

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] Is that where

[45:04] that came from?

[45:05] Probably not,

[45:06] but maybe.

[45:07] I don't know where

[45:07] slang comes from.

[45:09] Who am I?

[45:09] Dr.

[45:10] Slang?

[45:12] Dan,

[45:12] is that a real

[45:12] Batman villain?

[45:13] Because we

[45:13] established in an

[45:14] earlier episode,

[45:15] I don't know

[45:15] the Batman

[45:16] villains.

[45:16] Is that a

[45:16] Dr.

[45:17] John parody?

[45:19] Or is it

[45:20] Dr.

[45:20] Scholl's

[45:20] parody?

Dan McCoy

[45:22] Dan,

[45:24] answer.

[45:25] Sure,

[45:26] there was a

[45:26] Dr.

[45:26] Slang back

[45:27] in the

[45:27] 70s.

[45:28] He was

[45:28] like,

[45:28] Batman,

[45:29] I think

[45:29] it would

[45:30] be really

[45:30] groovy

[45:31] if you

[45:32] died.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] The power

[45:33] of slang.

[45:34] He only

[45:35] commits

[45:35] slang-related

[45:36] crimes?

[45:36] How would

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] that manifest?

[45:39] In

[45:39] Def Leppard's

[45:40] album

[45:40] slang.

Dan McCoy

[45:42] He would

[45:42] break into

[45:43] whenever

[45:44] Oxford English

[45:45] Dictionary was

[45:45] inducting a

[45:46] new word

[45:47] into the

[45:47] dictionary

[45:47] that year,

[45:48] he would

[45:48] break in

[45:49] and disrupt

[45:49] the ceremony.

[45:50] No,

[45:50] he'd steal

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] it away.

[45:51] This should

[45:51] be slang.

[45:52] I want

[45:53] to keep

[45:53] my words

[45:53] away from

[45:54] the

[45:54] establishment.

[45:55] Then it

[45:56] stops being

[45:56] slang and

[45:57] becomes

[45:57] language.

[45:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] It's

[46:00] language.

[46:01] It's

[46:01] language.

[46:02] I can go

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] for a

[46:02] nice open

[46:02] face.

[46:03] Hot

[46:03] slang-

[46:03] language.

[46:06] Anyway,

[46:07] while in

[46:08] this final

[46:09] fantasy,

[46:10] not the

[46:10] video game

[46:11] of the

[46:11] same name,

[46:12] this final

[46:12] memory,

[46:14] Fassbender

[46:15] does another

[46:15] one of these

[46:16] big jumps,

[46:17] and he jumps

[46:18] so hard that

[46:18] the machine

[46:19] breaks,

[46:20] he's

[46:20] able to

[46:21] get out

[46:21] and all

[46:21] the ghosts

[46:22] of the

[46:22] old

[46:23] assassins

[46:23] from his

[46:24] past

[46:24] start talking

[46:25] to him,

[46:25] including his

[46:26] mom,

[46:26] I guess.

[46:27] Yep.

[46:27] And they

[46:27] tell him,

[46:28] you're an

[46:29] assassin,

[46:29] there's no

[46:30] such thing

[46:30] as truth,

[46:31] yada,

[46:32] et cetera.

[46:33] All the

[46:33] assassins

[46:33] escape,

[46:34] and Jeremy

[46:35] Irons has

[46:35] already left

[46:36] because things

[46:36] are in a

[46:36] bad way

[46:37] there.

[46:37] Then we

[46:38] cut to

[46:38] the

[46:39] Templars

[46:40] are getting

[46:40] together for

[46:40] some kind

[46:41] of conference,

[46:42] and Jeremy

[46:42] Irons seems

[46:43] to be receiving

[46:43] an award

[46:44] of some

[46:44] kind.

Stuart Wellington

[46:45] They

[46:47] figured out

[46:48] after Michael

[46:48] Fassbender

[46:49] went back

[46:50] through time

[46:50] that his

[46:52] ancient self

[46:55] had given

[46:55] Christopher

[46:57] Columbus

[46:58] the magical

[46:59] Easter egg.

[47:01] And we

Dan McCoy

[47:02] all pointed

[47:02] out that

[47:03] there were

[47:04] a lot

[47:04] easier ways

[47:05] to dispose

[47:06] of this

[47:06] Easter egg.

Elliott Kalan

[47:06] They're on

[47:07] a boat,

[47:07] just throw

[47:08] that thing

[47:08] overboard.

[47:08] Just give

[47:09] it to

[47:09] fucking

Stuart Wellington

[47:09] Gwai

[47:10] here in

[47:10] the

[47:10] Eagles,

[47:11] dude.

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] Yeah,

[47:12] or Tom

[47:12] Bombadil.

[47:13] Stick it

[47:14] in a

[47:14] fucking

[47:14] molehole.

[47:17] Or just

[47:18] hit it

[47:18] with hammers

[47:19] until it

[47:19] breaks.

[47:21] Like,

[47:22] they're

[47:22] never

[47:23] really

[47:24] close.

[47:25] What a

[47:26] scene that

[47:26] would have

[47:26] been.

[47:27] He's like,

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] keep this

[47:29] with you,

[47:30] be buried

[47:30] with it,

[47:31] and then it

[47:31] cuts to the

[47:32] next day

[47:32] where he's

[47:32] on deck

[47:33] and there's

[47:33] just like

[47:34] some

[47:34] idiots

[47:35] smashing

[47:36] it with

[47:37] hammers.

[47:39] What a

[47:40] great movie.

[47:41] They're never

[47:41] really clear

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] on how

[47:42] the apple

[47:42] works,

[47:43] or what

[47:43] it really

[47:44] is.

[47:44] It's

[47:44] implied

[47:45] that some

[47:45] kind of

[47:45] advanced

[47:46] technology

[47:46] left by

[47:47] an even

[47:48] earlier

[47:48] civilization

[47:49] that

[47:49] destroyed

[47:50] itself,

[47:50] or maybe

[47:51] by,

[47:51] as we

[47:52] mentioned,

[47:52] some kind

[47:52] of bionic

[47:53] transformer

[47:53] god.

[47:54] Yeah,

[47:54] the Guaulud

[47:55] or something.

[47:55] But instead,

[47:56] like,

[47:56] just burn

[47:57] it.

[47:57] Just,

[47:57] like,

[47:57] get rid

[47:58] of it.

[47:59] Throw it

[47:59] in a

[47:59] volcano.

[47:59] I don't

[48:00] know.

[48:01] Just do,

[48:02] I don't

[48:02] know,

[48:03] like,

[48:03] have an

[48:03] animal

[48:03] swallow it.

[48:04] Doom is

[48:05] a

[48:05] volcano.

[48:08] I mean,

[48:08] like,

[48:09] at least

[48:09] in Lord

[48:10] of the

[48:10] Rings,

[48:10] they're like,

[48:10] we have to

[48:11] destroy this

[48:11] thing,

[48:12] right?

[48:12] It's not

[48:12] like this

[48:13] ring is

[48:14] incredibly evil

[48:15] and it can

[48:16] destroy everything.

[48:17] So,

[48:18] I guess hold

[48:18] on to it

[48:19] until you

[48:19] die,

Stuart Wellington

[48:20] you know?

[48:20] Yeah,

[48:21] I mean,

[48:21] what he

[48:21] should have

[48:21] done was

[48:22] he should

[48:22] have written

[48:22] a shitload

[48:23] of clues

[48:23] and stuck

[48:24] them all

[48:24] over

[48:24] Washington,

[48:25] D.C.

[48:25] and hidden

[48:26] it somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] Yeah,

[48:29] sure,

[48:29] and we

[48:29] could learn

[48:30] about

[48:30] American

[48:30] history

[48:31] or we

[48:31] go on

Stuart Wellington

[48:32] an amazing

[48:32] mystery

[48:33] adventure.

[48:33] Exactly,

[48:34] which at

[48:34] that point

[48:35] wasn't even

[48:36] history,

[48:36] it was

[48:36] American

[48:36] future.

[48:37] That's

[48:37] what would

[48:37] have

[48:37] been

[48:38] exciting.

[48:38] That's

[48:38] what's

[48:38] so

[48:39] amazing

[48:39] is

[48:39] he's

[48:39] like,

[48:40] the

[48:41] great

[48:41] experiment's

[48:41] about

[48:42] to

[48:42] begin.

Elliott Kalan

[48:45] The

[48:46] great

[48:46] emancipator

[48:47] laid

[48:47] his

[48:48] head

[48:48] here.

[48:49] Of

[48:49] course,

[48:50] Lincoln's

[48:50] home in

[48:51] Springfield,

[48:51] Illinois.

[48:52] I'll

[48:52] just wait

[48:53] for the

[48:53] United

[48:53] States

[48:53] to form

[48:54] and then

[48:54] Springfield

[48:55] to be

[48:55] founded

[48:55] and Lincoln

[48:56] to live

[48:56] there so

[48:56] I know

[48:56] which house

[48:57] was his.

Stuart Wellington

[48:58] It's an

[48:58] unfortunate

[48:58] choice of

[49:00] imagery to

[49:00] have

[49:01] Christopher

[49:01] Columbus

[49:02] be the

[49:02] guy

[49:03] going to

[49:03] the

[49:04] new

[49:04] world

[49:04] bearing

[49:05] the

[49:05] apple

[49:06] of

[49:06] knowledge.

Elliott Kalan

[49:07] Like,

[49:08] fuck

[49:08] off,

[49:09] dude.

[49:09] The idea

[49:10] that he

[49:10] is now

[49:11] the avatar

[49:12] of liberty

[49:12] and freedom,

[49:13] I guess,

[49:14] and free

[49:14] thought,

[49:15] and I

[49:16] assume what

[49:16] comes with

[49:16] it is

[49:17] people not

[49:17] being forced

[49:18] to live

[49:18] by belief

[49:19] systems they

[49:20] don't agree

[49:20] with.

[49:21] Yeah,

[49:21] Christopher

[49:22] Columbus,

[49:22] the

[49:22] devastator

[49:24] of native

[49:24] worlds,

[49:25] harbinger

[49:26] of Catholic

[49:27] forced

[49:28] conversion,

[49:28] but anyway,

[49:30] we might be

[49:31] reading more

[49:32] into history

[49:32] than Assassin's

[49:33] Creed really

[49:33] wants us

[49:34] to.

[49:36] Anyway,

[49:37] they go to

[49:38] this big

[49:39] employee of

[49:40] the month

[49:40] event that

[49:41] the Templars

[49:42] are throwing.

[49:42] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[49:43] the one that

[49:43] seems to not

[49:44] be staffed by

[49:45] anybody.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] There's no

[49:46] security

[49:47] or ticket

[49:47] takers

[49:48] anywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[49:48] Or concessions.

Elliott Kalan

[49:49] Yeah,

[49:49] that's a good

[49:50] point.

[49:51] Where are you

[49:51] going to get

[49:51] a hot pretzel?

[49:52] So the

[49:52] assassins walk

[49:53] in in hoods.

Stuart Wellington

[49:53] You go there,

[49:54] you want them

[49:54] cheese sticks

[49:55] because they're

[49:56] delicious.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] You gotta have

[49:58] a couple

[49:58] different

[49:59] Dunkin'

[49:59] sauces.

[50:00] Maybe

[50:00] there's

[50:00] just good

[50:01] old-fashioned

[50:01] kettle corn,

[50:02] you know,

[50:02] get a sack

[50:02] of that.

[50:04] Sweet and

[50:05] savory.

[50:05] You gotta

[50:05] buy one of

[50:08] those light-up

[50:08] swords for

[50:09] the kids

[50:10] because they

[50:10] see another

[50:11] kid waving

[50:11] it around

[50:12] and you're

[50:12] like,

[50:12] that thing's

[50:13] going to

[50:15] want it

[50:16] now.

[50:16] Fine,

[50:17] how much

[50:17] is it?

[50:17] $35.

[50:18] Are you

[50:19] kidding me?

Stuart Wellington

[50:20] Yeah,

[50:21] they gotta

[50:21] make a good

[50:22] profit on

[50:23] that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[50:24] Yeah,

[50:24] because they're

[50:25] not already

[50:25] overcharging me

[50:26] on the tickets.

[50:27] The $10

[50:28] kettle corn.

Stuart Wellington

[50:29] For five

[50:30] minutes of

[50:30] Jeremy Irons

[50:31] waving around

[50:32] some fucking

[50:32] metal testicle.

Elliott Kalan

[50:35] you found

Elliott Kalan

[50:35] your paperweight

[50:36] that incense

[50:38] comes out

[50:38] of.

[50:38] Thanks,

[50:39] Jeremy.

[50:40] Glad I

[50:40] paid for

[50:40] the ticket.

[50:41] Glad I

[50:42] bought a

[50:42] robe for

[50:43] this.

[50:43] He walks

[50:44] into this

[50:45] room full

[50:45] of Templars

[50:46] and there's

[50:46] all these

[50:46] moving

[50:47] spotlights

[50:48] on him

[50:48] and it

[50:48] looks for

[50:49] all the

[50:49] world like

[50:50] it's like,

[50:50] ladies and

[50:51] gentlemen,

[50:52] your 2017

[50:53] Templar

Dan McCoy

[50:54] Jeremy Irons!

[50:59] You all ready

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] for this?

[51:02] You're supposed

[51:03] to wait

[51:03] till the music

[51:04] stops to get

[51:04] to that

[51:05] part.

[51:05] Dan,

[51:06] can you

[51:06] give him

[51:06] a yellow

[51:07] card for

[51:07] that?

[51:09] Oh man,

[51:09] this is my

Stuart Wellington

[51:10] second one.

[51:10] I guess I'm

[51:11] going to miss

[51:11] a game next

[51:12] week?

[51:13] Unfortunately,

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] but you still

[51:14] get orange

[51:14] slices.

[51:15] Oh,

[51:15] great.

Stuart Wellington

[51:16] And I get

[51:16] to slap

[51:17] people's

[51:17] butts.

Elliott Kalan

[51:18] Yeah,

[51:18] orange

[51:18] slices,

[51:19] the official

[51:19] snack of

[51:20] soccer for

[51:20] some reason.

[51:22] So you're

[51:23] going to say

[51:24] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[51:24] I was going

[51:24] to say,

[51:25] you know,

[51:27] when you're

[51:27] at medieval

[51:28] times and

[51:29] you can buy.

[51:30] I love

[51:30] where you're

Elliott Kalan

[51:31] going already.

[51:32] Didn't

[51:32] know,

[51:32] but love

[51:32] it already.

[51:33] So when

[51:34] you're

[51:36] going to

[51:37] go to

[51:38] the

[51:38] way back

[51:41] around.

[51:41] Take us

[51:41] down the

[51:42] path,

[51:42] my friend.

[51:43] Look,

[51:44] I don't know

[51:45] where our

[51:45] destination is,

[51:46] but I'm

[51:46] with you for

[51:47] the ride.

[51:47] Yeah,

[51:48] yeah,

[51:48] buckle up.

[51:49] So when

[51:50] you're at

[51:50] a medieval

[51:51] times.

[51:52] Now,

[51:52] not when

[51:53] you fall

[51:53] through a

[51:53] time portal

[51:54] into medieval

[51:54] times.

[51:55] No,

[51:55] no,

[51:55] no.

[51:55] You're

[51:55] saying a

[51:56] medieval

[51:56] times

[51:56] restaurant

[51:57] and fake

[51:57] dungeon

[51:57] establishment.

[51:58] Yeah.

[51:58] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[51:59] So your

[52:00] headwear

[52:01] options for

[52:02] purchase,

[52:03] your only

[52:04] real choice,

[52:06] unless,

[52:07] now this is

[52:07] based almost

[52:08] exclusively on

[52:09] the Tournament

[52:09] of Kings

[52:10] at the

[52:11] Excalibur in

[52:12] Las Vegas,

[52:13] but your

[52:13] only headwear

[52:15] options are

[52:15] like a

[52:16] princess's

[52:17] hat or

[52:18] a Viking

[52:19] helmet.

[52:20] And what I

[52:21] ask you is,

[52:23] that isn't,

[52:24] a Viking

[52:24] helmet isn't

[52:25] period appropriate

[52:26] for medieval

[52:26] times.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] You have to

[52:27] assume that

[52:28] someone found

[52:28] one of those.

[52:29] I don't

[52:29] know.

Stuart Wellington

[52:30] It just

[52:31] doesn't.

[52:32] Wait a

[52:33] minute.

[52:34] Like,

[52:35] somebody that

[52:35] works in

[52:36] medieval times

[52:36] or somebody

[52:37] in medieval

[52:37] times like

[52:38] it washed

[52:38] up on the

[52:39] beach and

[52:40] they're like,

Elliott Kalan

[52:41] ah,

[52:41] dragon's

[52:42] tooth.

[52:42] There was

[52:43] a normal

[52:44] average

[52:45] seaweed

[52:46] moss

[52:47] collector

[52:48] who was

[52:49] just scraping

[52:50] moss off

Stuart Wellington

[52:50] rocks.

[52:50] An industry

[52:51] that was

[52:51] decimated

[52:52] by industrialization.

[52:54] Oh,

[52:54] sure,

[52:55] because a

[52:55] machine could

[52:55] scrape that

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] moss ten

[52:56] times faster.

[52:58] He's

[52:58] just shuffling

[53:00] along the

[53:01] rocks at the

[53:01] edge of the

[53:01] water,

[53:02] stuffing it

[53:04] into his

[53:04] filthy sack

[53:05] that he can

[53:06] give to his

[53:07] children later

[53:07] to just

[53:08] gorge on.

[53:09] And one of

[53:09] these helmets

[53:10] just kind

[53:10] of washes

[53:10] up next to him.

[53:11] He sells

Stuart Wellington

[53:11] some of it.

[53:12] He's got to

[53:12] make some

[53:13] kind of a

[53:13] living to

[53:13] afford

[53:14] sacks to

[53:15] put moss

[53:15] in.

Elliott Kalan

[53:16] He's got to

[53:17] have enough

[53:18] little bits

[53:20] of gold

[53:20] so that he

[53:21] can buy

[53:21] more ashes

[53:22] and grime.

Stuart Wellington

[53:23] And he

[53:23] needs to

[53:24] be able to

[53:24] pay for

[53:24] his daughter's

[53:25] dowry.

[53:25] He can't

[53:26] just use

[53:26] more moss.

[53:27] No,

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] because the

[53:28] moss market

[53:29] is super

[53:29] saturated

[53:30] now.

[53:31] And one of

[53:31] these Viking

[53:32] helmets just

[53:33] washes up

[53:33] and he's

[53:34] like,

[53:34] what is

[53:34] this?

[53:34] Sniffs

[53:35] it,

[53:35] tries to

[53:36] chew on

[53:36] it,

[53:36] doesn't

[53:37] know what

[53:37] it is,

[53:38] and thinks

[53:39] it's a

[53:39] god for a

[53:40] little while

[53:40] and worships

[53:41] it.

[53:41] And then

[53:42] finally a

[53:42] knight,

[53:43] or maybe

[53:44] some kind of

[53:44] educated priest

[53:45] wanders through

[53:46] and identifies it

[53:47] as belonging to

[53:48] the raiding

[53:49] people of the

[53:50] north.

Stuart Wellington

[53:50] Oh,

[53:50] to be a

[53:51] fly on the

[53:52] wall of that

[53:52] conversation.

[53:56] When they

[53:57] injure the

[53:58] temple of the

[53:59] helmet,

[54:00] filled with

[54:02] moss people.

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] look,

[54:08] priest,

[54:08] father,

[54:09] father,

[54:09] proof that

[54:10] God wears

[54:11] a hat.

[54:12] No,

[54:12] no,

[54:12] my son,

[54:13] God does

[54:13] not wear

[54:14] hats.

[54:15] God allows

[54:16] his flowing

[54:16] long mail

[54:17] locks to

[54:18] fall where

[54:19] they may,

[54:20] and that

[54:20] is why

[54:21] the night

[54:22] comes,

[54:22] because his

[54:23] hair covers

[54:24] the sun.

[54:25] What be the

[54:26] moon then?

[54:27] The moon

[54:27] is dandruff,

[54:28] and the stars

[54:29] are smaller

[54:30] dandruff,

[54:31] in the hair

[54:31] of the creator.

[54:32] Allow me to

[54:33] see that

[54:33] helmet.

[54:34] It is an

[54:35] idolatrous

[54:36] thing to do.

[54:37] do here.

[54:37] You are

[54:38] heathens now,

[54:39] and you shall

[54:39] be burned.

[54:40] Yes,

[54:40] thank you.

[54:41] Okay,

[54:41] it's good.

[54:41] Strangely for

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] the outside

[54:43] observer,

[54:43] it appears

[54:44] that this

[54:45] moss farmer,

[54:46] his lexicon.

[54:48] I think

[54:48] farmer is a

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] little overreaching

[54:51] in terms of

[54:51] the knowledge

[54:52] he has.

Stuart Wellington

[54:54] But his

[54:55] grasp of

[54:56] language has

[54:57] increased ten

[54:58] times since

[54:58] finding the

[54:59] helmet.

Elliott Kalan

[54:59] No,

[55:00] that's the

[55:00] thing.

[55:01] It turns out

[55:01] that the

[55:02] helmet does

[55:02] have magical

[55:03] properties,

[55:04] because it

[55:04] belongs to,

[55:05] of course,

[55:06] vocabulous.

[55:07] the best

[55:08] spoken of

[55:08] the Vikings,

[55:09] who had a

[55:09] Roman name

[55:10] for some

[55:10] reason.

[55:12] Now,

[55:13] vocabulous

[55:13] didn't really

[55:14] like all the

[55:15] violence that

[55:15] came with

[55:15] raiding.

[55:16] He just

[55:16] wanted to

[55:17] write books,

[55:17] and his

[55:18] longest book,

[55:19] The Edda,

[55:20] is set down,

[55:22] you know,

[55:22] the myths and

[55:23] legends of the

[55:23] Nordic people.

[55:25] So,

[55:26] Dan,

[55:26] so the movie

[55:27] ends when

[55:28] Jeremy Irons

[55:29] gives his

[55:29] speech,

[55:30] and he's

[55:30] like,

[55:30] I found the

[55:31] apple,

[55:31] everybody,

[55:32] and he

[55:32] starts opening

[55:32] it up,

[55:33] and smoke

[55:33] starts coming

[55:34] out.

[55:34] They're

Stuart Wellington

[55:35] flipping their shit,

[55:40] and you also kind of see, not only are all the Templars wearing hoods, like, what the fuck, dude?

[55:43] Well, it's like, who's the real hood?

[55:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:46] Who's the hood now, dog?

[55:48] And, but then,

[55:51] then, Aguilar.

[55:52] Except not Aguilar, it's Cal, dressed as Aguilar, shows up, and Marion Cotillard is horrified

[55:59] that her father doesn't really care about ending violence at all. He just wanted the apple to take over the world.

[56:04] But then Cal shows up, and he says to her, like, I'm going to take care of this.

[56:08] And then, he uses the other power that Aguilar had, which was the ability to suddenly jump invisibly over large groups of people to end up where he needs to be at the moment.

Dan McCoy

[56:19] He appears where he needs to be. He's a Jason.

[56:20] He's like Nightcrawler, basically.

[56:22] Yeah, he's like a Jason.

Elliott Kalan

[56:23] If he was Nightcrawler, I'd be like, yeah, of course, bamf, and he's there. A little smell of brimstone, and he's there.

[56:28] But instead, he just kind of shows up behind Jeremy Irons, slashes Jeremy Irons' throat, and the Templars, who up until this point, were just on the verge of ruling the world, scattered to the winds.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] Yeah, but without much of a sense of urgency.

[56:41] Yeah, they're a little bit like, they're out to come outside.

Stuart Wellington

[56:45] The home team is losing. Might as well get out of here before we beat the...

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] They look like people leaving a Broadway show.

[56:52] Oh, that's the worst. When people leave before the show is over, and they're like, the actors are finishing the last song, and some old asshole gets up and is like...

[57:02] He's like, I guess Matilda's got magic powers.

[57:06] I've seen it. I get it. Glove conquers all.

[57:08] I don't need to wait to leave this play.

Dan McCoy

[57:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah. The farmer and the cowman should be friends. I understand the idea.

Elliott Kalan

[57:15] Yeah, that's pretty much the idea, yeah.

[57:18] And then Hamilton did whatever, lived a happy life forever. I don't need to see the rest of the play.

Dan McCoy

[57:23] Dolly will never go away again. I understand.

Elliott Kalan

[57:26] There's a guy, there's a doll. I get it. Problem solved. I'm out of here.

Dan McCoy

[57:31] Mm-hmm. Anything goes in this new world. I understand what's happening.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] The judge is gonna sit down. Sweeney Todd's gonna give him a good shave. End of story. They're friends now. I don't need to see the rest.

[57:45] What's done is done.

Dan McCoy

[57:46] This guy misunderstands.

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] What's this, a sword fight? I'm sure Hamlet's gonna win. He's the hero of the movie. It's in the movie. It's a play. I don't know. I gotta go.

Stuart Wellington

[57:56] So what if there's been three hours of inaction? Now's his time.

Dan McCoy

[57:59] I'm sure they're gonna...

[58:01] He's due.

[58:01] I'm sure they're gonna arrest this con music man and throw him in jail where he belongs. Well, gotta go.

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] I'm late for something, and this is Glenn Gary and Glenn Ross characters haven't even showed up yet. Time for me to leave.

[58:15] The salesman dies. It's in the title. I don't have to stick around. Gotta go.

[58:21] I'll tell you this, morning doesn't become Elektra. I outie.

[58:26] All right.

[58:27] I sat through so much of Aunt Dan, how much of Lemon am I gonna have to sit through? I'm out.

[58:31] It's a Wallace Shawn play.

[58:33] Anyway, Marion Cotillard, she says, I'm gonna get revenge.

[58:38] I get it. It's your town.

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] Not much to look at.

Elliott Kalan

[58:47] That's a trench in our town joke.

[58:51] Marion Cotillard, her father's been killed, and she vows revenge.

[58:54] Cut to... Cal is already halfway across the city, perched on a building, Batman style, just looking out at nothing.

[59:02] And an eagle that we've seen swooping by all the time, because half this movie is shots of eagles swooping by over cities.

[59:09] Swoops by, and he is about to jump again off this tower when...

[59:13] Cut to black.

[59:14] Cue hip-hop.

Stuart Wellington

[59:15] And part of it's like, I fucking get it, dude.

[59:17] Batman's awesome.

[59:19] Like, Batman's fucking sweet.

[59:22] Don't fucking constantly rip off Batman.

[59:24] It's like, we have one of those.

[59:25] And don't do a Batman without what makes Batman cool.

[59:28] Like, a fucking Code of Honor, right?

[59:30] That's what makes Batman cool.

Elliott Kalan

[59:31] But assassins, what's so cool about them is they don't have...

[59:33] I mean, we just watched an Asriel movie, basically.

Stuart Wellington

[59:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[59:37] Except his wrist blades are on the bottom side of his wrist.

[59:42] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:42] And they aren't, like, on fire?

[59:45] What was that?

[59:45] Asriel's blades were kind of always on fire.

[59:47] But he wore a hood.

[59:48] That was one of the first Batman stories I read.

[59:50] And it was some kind of League of Assassins or Templars or something.

Stuart Wellington

[59:52] I think that was one of the first Batman stories I remember reading, because I was a Marvel kid.

[59:56] Oh, yeah.

[59:57] And Asriel was, like, a very Marvel-style DC character.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] He was a real attempt at, yeah, that kind of character.

[1:00:05] It was, I mean, he was DC kind of trying to show you why those characters are not good.

[1:00:10] Yeah.

[1:00:10] Why Marvel drools in DC rules, which is not the case.

[1:00:13] It's actually the opposite.

[1:00:15] But, yeah, Dan, I think we just watched a stealth pilot for an Asriel movie series.

[1:00:19] And I feel taken advantage of by that.

[1:00:21] So is it time for final judgments?

[1:00:22] It is time for final judgments.

[1:00:23] Can I express that?

[1:00:24] Final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:25] Where we say whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[1:00:31] Final judgments.

[1:00:32] Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:34] You know, I went into this hoping it was going to be a good goofball romp.

[1:00:38] I knew that the...

[1:00:40] That would be a real sex farce.

[1:00:41] Yeah.

[1:00:42] A lot of slamming doors.

[1:00:44] But the only door that slammed was my enthusiasm for this movie.

[1:00:47] Because...

Dan McCoy

[1:00:48] A lot of slamming moors.

[1:00:49] That's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] Yeah, I think there was.

[1:00:52] Social moors?

[1:00:53] Moors.

[1:00:55] That was the sound of me putting down my glass in disgust.

[1:01:00] Yeah.

[1:01:00] All right.

[1:01:01] So...

[1:01:01] Social moors.

[1:01:02] You mean s'mores.

[1:01:04] And I would like...

[1:01:05] I would not like some more of that, please.

[1:01:08] Anyway, I'm sorry, Dan.

[1:01:09] I'm getting a little too real.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:10] Stuart?

[1:01:12] Yeah.

[1:01:12] So...

[1:01:13] No.

[1:01:14] This movie wasn't very good.

[1:01:17] I don't recommend it.

[1:01:19] It's crazy.

[1:01:21] So if you want a movie that is crazy but takes itself very seriously, you can watch this.

[1:01:27] But I would not recommend it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:29] It's very slow and very...

[1:01:32] Like...

[1:01:33] Yeah, it takes itself...

[1:01:34] It's very hushed in that it takes itself super seriously.

[1:01:37] Like, we're really watching a battle between freedom and slavery here.

[1:01:41] With these epic figures.

[1:01:44] And we really gotta give...

[1:01:45] You know what?

[1:01:46] We gotta treat this video game series with the respect it deserves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:49] But it's weird because I think they change all the names of people.

[1:01:53] Which makes one wonder...

[1:01:55] Like...

[1:01:56] I mean, I guess the attraction of the series is the idea that you're going back in time

[1:01:59] to play an assassin.

[1:02:00] But like...

[1:02:01] I guess the characters are...

[1:02:03] Like, if their names aren't important, what's important?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:06] I mean...

[1:02:06] What is important, Elliot?

[1:02:07] I don't know.

[1:02:08] I mean, this movie was kind of the anti-USA in that characters were not welcome.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:12] Yeah.

[1:02:13] It was a bad, bad movie.

[1:02:14] I hated it.

[1:02:17] The end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] I love Forget Me Not.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:25] I'm Jesse.

[1:02:26] I'm Jordan.

[1:02:27] And we've been doing Jordan Jesse Go for almost 10 years now.

[1:02:30] And it's not gotten any easier to describe.

[1:02:32] So we asked our fans to do it for us.

S4

[1:02:34] Jordan Jesse Go is a weekly conversation with...

[1:02:38] Two best pals.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] Two hilarious friends.

[1:02:40] The hilarious smart kids.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:42] Talking about hilarious stuff that happens to them.

[1:02:44] Mostly really stupid stuff.

S4

[1:02:46] Awkward anecdotes.

[1:02:47] Insane tangents.

[1:02:49] Heartfelt stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:50] It's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious conversation between you and your best

[1:02:54] pals.

S4

[1:02:55] It's a show that makes me laugh every week, which is pretty rare and wonderful.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:58] Might be the best thing on the internet.

[1:03:00] One of the funniest things you will hear.

S4

[1:03:02] And it's the best part of my week.

[1:03:04] And has kept me company for the past seven years through all sorts of life.

[1:03:09] I love those guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:10] That's Jordan Jesse Go, the comedy podcast that's been named Best of iTunes.

[1:03:15] Every Monday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite podcasting software.

[1:03:18] I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

[1:03:20] Love you.

[1:03:21] Love you.

[1:03:22] Love you.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:23] But now it's time to give some love to our sponsors.

[1:03:27] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by ZipRecruiter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:32] I'm giving kisses to ZipRecruiter.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:34] Are you hiring?

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:35] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[1:03:38] Sure don't.

[1:03:39] Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

[1:03:42] But with ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 200 plus job sites.

[1:03:47] Including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter.

[1:03:50] All with a single click.

[1:03:52] And right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free.

[1:03:56] By going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:04:00] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:04:03] One more time.

[1:04:05] To try it for free.

[1:04:06] Go to ZipRecruiter.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:09] Slash first.

[1:04:10] So I can, if I'm hiring for a job.

[1:04:12] Yeah.

[1:04:12] I don't have to go to each of those individual sites and post individually.

[1:04:16] I can just do it all through ZipRecruiter.com.

[1:04:19] And if I go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first, I'll get how much?

[1:04:23] You can try it for free.

[1:04:24] For free?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:25] Yeah.

[1:04:26] For free posting?

[1:04:28] Free.

[1:04:28] To all those places?

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:30] Sir, if you were trying to post this job individually to all the sites, you would be a chump.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:37] A little harsh, but fair.

[1:04:39] So try ZipRecruiter instead.

[1:04:42] Don't be a chump.

[1:04:43] Be a chimp.

[1:04:44] Chimps know, it only takes one click to do it.

[1:04:46] It's so easy, even a caveman could do it.

[1:04:48] Is that slogan available?

[1:04:49] Oh boy.

[1:04:50] We are on thin legal ice right now.

[1:04:54] As long as we're not on thin dentine ice.

[1:04:57] Too minty.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:59] But Stuart is shaking his head.

[1:05:02] Oh sir, don't care for this.

[1:05:04] He will brook none of your buffoonery.

[1:05:06] Yeah, he will not.

[1:05:06] He cannot sanction your buffoonery.

[1:05:07] He will not allow it.

[1:05:10] So, Blue Apron is our other sponsor tonight.

[1:05:16] They are for less than $10 per person per meal.

[1:05:20] Abandon that first sentence.

[1:05:22] Go on to the next one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:23] What are they, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:24] They're a food delivery service.

[1:05:26] I started talking before I knew what I was going to say.

[1:05:29] And I decided, no, that's not the way to get into things.

[1:05:33] Their food delivery service.

[1:05:34] For less than $10 per person per meal,

[1:05:36] Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients

[1:05:39] to make delicious home-cooked meals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:43] You cook it at home, but they've already done the portions

[1:05:45] and they give you all the instructions.

[1:05:46] So, you don't have to worry about measuring anything.

[1:05:49] My least favorite part of cooking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] And you know when you get food delivered

[1:05:52] and you ordered food for yourself,

[1:05:55] but there's like three sets of chopsticks in there

[1:05:57] and you're like, fuck you.

[1:06:00] You don't have to feel that way

[1:06:01] because they've already portioned out your ingredients.

[1:06:03] You don't have to throw away extra chopsticks.

[1:06:06] Finally.

[1:06:07] Yeah, I actually give them a Viking funeral

[1:06:09] when they come to my home.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:11] And then the helmet washes up on the shore

[1:06:13] and the lowly moth collector finds it

[1:06:16] and the cycle begins anew.

[1:06:19] It's good.

[1:06:22] Blue Apron.

[1:06:23] So, it's less than $10 per person per meal.

[1:06:25] It's fresh ingredients.

[1:06:27] They've got lots of exciting dishes.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:29] Here's my favorite part.

[1:06:30] Let me give you some of those dishes.

[1:06:32] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:32] Lay it on me.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:33] Lay some dishes on me, daddy-o.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:35] This is Dan's version of the Zagat sketch

[1:06:37] from Saturday Night Live.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:39] Spinach and fresh mozzarella pizza

[1:06:41] with olives, bell peppers, and ricotta salata.

[1:06:45] Sounds good.

[1:06:46] Sweet and sour salmon with bok choy,

[1:06:48] carrot, and ginger fried rice.

[1:06:51] The Skeksis like it, apparently.

[1:06:53] Parmesan-crusted chicken with creamy fettuccine

[1:06:55] and roasted broccoli.

[1:06:57] That sounds fantastic.

[1:06:58] That's right up your alley.

[1:06:59] It's Ali.

[1:06:59] That's right up.

[1:07:00] I would eat that right now.

[1:07:01] Hand it to me, Dan.

[1:07:02] Why are you holding back?

[1:07:03] Baby broccoli and Fantina paninis.

[1:07:07] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:08] I like the way you said that.

[1:07:09] Fantinis.

[1:07:09] Fantinis paninis.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:11] With hard boiled egg and arugula salad.

[1:07:14] Makes that two hard boiled eggs.

[1:07:15] Hey, listen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:15] And one duck egg.

[1:07:16] Listen.

[1:07:17] Duck soup.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:17] No, Wet Night at the Opera.

[1:07:19] Check out this week's menu

[1:07:20] and get your first three meals free

[1:07:22] with free shipping

[1:07:23] by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:27] Blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:07:29] Blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:07:29] And you can get how many meals free?

[1:07:31] Three meals free.

[1:07:32] Three free meals.

[1:07:34] Three and free rhymes.

[1:07:35] You know it's good.

[1:07:36] Yeah.

[1:07:37] So build it yourself, beautiful.

[1:07:40] That's an old slogan

[1:07:42] for a different sponsor.

[1:07:45] You know, I think the shoe fits.

[1:07:47] It does not.

[1:07:48] And it's an apron.

[1:07:50] And you know what that apron says, Dan?

[1:07:53] Blue.

[1:07:53] That blue apron, it says,

[1:07:54] kiss the cook.

[1:07:55] And you know who the cook's going to be?

[1:07:56] You.

[1:07:57] So kiss yourself.

[1:07:58] You earned it.

[1:07:59] Go kiss yourself.

[1:08:00] Go kiss yourself.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:01] Just get up, find a mirror,

[1:08:03] and just start kissing your own image.

[1:08:04] Yeah, just get right in there and kiss yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] You know you want to.

[1:08:06] Haven't you ever wondered about it?

[1:08:08] How good a kisser you are from the other side?

[1:08:10] Yeah.

[1:08:10] Just do it.

[1:08:11] And you know what?

[1:08:12] You're all alone.

[1:08:12] Do whatever you want.

[1:08:13] Get crazy.

[1:08:14] No one needs to know.

[1:08:15] Turn the lights down.

[1:08:16] Yeah, put some UB40 on the stereo.

[1:08:19] On the soundtrack.

[1:08:19] And just follow your body wherever it leads.

[1:08:22] Follow your bliss.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] Straight to Blue Apron.

[1:08:25] It's time slash Flophouse.

[1:08:27] You look like you got something to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:28] I got something to read off of the great Jumbotron.

[1:08:32] Whoa, it's huge.

[1:08:33] High above the Flophouse.

[1:08:35] Oh, my eyes are blinded from the glory of the Jumbotron.

[1:08:41] This, oh, my eyes can make out some words.

[1:08:44] I'm reading them now.

[1:08:46] Continue to narrate.

[1:08:48] This message is for Gina Radcliffe.

[1:08:52] The message is from some Steve's Slack Pals and Floppers.

[1:08:58] Says this.

[1:09:01] Hey, kiddo.

[1:09:02] Here's a shout out to you, a great writer, and one of the best murder podcasters.

[1:09:07] We are so lucky to have you as our internet friend.

[1:09:11] You are smart, funny, and kind.

[1:09:13] Heart emoji.

[1:09:15] Oh, yeah.

[1:09:16] And Patrick, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:18] There you have it.

[1:09:19] I like how heartfelt so many of these Jumbotron messages are.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:22] Real contrast to the assholery that we've brought.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:25] That we do.

[1:09:26] And if I was buying Jumbotron messages, it would just be sick burns and trolling of people that I know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:32] And I'm going to jump in here and say, I know that Gina Radcliffe.

[1:09:37] She deserves that heart emoji.

[1:09:38] Oh, that's really nice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:40] Dan, I've got something to say.

[1:09:42] Yeah.

[1:09:43] I just wanted to remind people that still on sale through our website is your comic book story, Cosmic Bowl.

[1:09:51] Oh, okay.

[1:09:52] The first of the Flophouse Funniest comic book stories.

[1:09:54] Oh, Dan is so enthusiastic about his work.

[1:09:56] And that all proceeds go to the ACLU.

[1:10:00] We've already raised more than $2,000 to donate to them.

[1:10:04] That's crazy.

[1:10:05] And any more would be great.

[1:10:06] And this time, it's a needed organization, as it always is.

[1:10:10] I half assumed we would barely be able to pay the artist.

[1:10:14] No, but we were able to pay the artist and then more so.

[1:10:18] So thanks to everyone who bought it and read it.

[1:10:20] Hope you liked it.

[1:10:21] And for new people, please pick it up and get ready for more Flophouse comic stories.

[1:10:25] Yeah, because it did well, it means more is on the way.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:28] I thought that what you were going to say was the other Jumbotron, the one that I sent to you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:35] When did you send it to me?

[1:10:37] Well, Elliot's going to look for that.

[1:10:39] Dan, let's vamp for a second.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:41] Vamping.

[1:10:43] This is the part of the show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:45] This is the part where I'm going to say something.

[1:10:46] It's been a long time since you've given me a Jumbotron to read, Dan.

[1:10:48] I'm going to say something heartfelt while you guys are goofing around.

[1:10:51] I just want to say, once again, last episode and the episodes before we were doing the MaxFunDrive,

[1:11:00] it's been a couple weeks, but we're just totally blown away at the amount of new listeners.

[1:11:09] You guys are the main reason we're able to do this.

[1:11:13] And it means a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:14] I missed Dan's email because I don't like Dan.

[1:11:18] Okay.

[1:11:19] You have a filter that says send all Dan emails into the trash.

[1:11:23] Yeah, yeah.

[1:11:23] Not even to spam, just straight to trash.

[1:11:25] This one?

[1:11:26] That's it.

[1:11:27] Okay.

[1:11:28] So here's, I do like Dan.

[1:11:30] That was just a joke.

[1:11:31] Let's not start any Dan Elliott feud things.

[1:11:33] I only have feuds with a few people, Justin McElroy and a couple of others.

[1:11:38] Anyway, this is a message for Addy and Hero, and it's from Emmeline.

[1:11:43] And the message goes as follows.

[1:11:45] Double happy birthday to my fantastic family and fellow Flophouse fans.

[1:11:50] To my sister Addy, you are awesome, and I wish the best for you this next year.

[1:11:54] And to my nephew Hero, I can't believe you are nine years old.

[1:11:57] You rock.

[1:11:58] A lot of love from Emmeline.

[1:12:01] Oh, that's very nice.

[1:12:03] Very sweet.

[1:12:03] Happy birthday to all, and to all a good night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:07] We did it.

[1:12:09] Now what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:11] This is the part of the podcast where we read letters from listeners.

[1:12:14] Okay.

[1:12:15] Listeners like you.

[1:12:17] Like who?

[1:12:17] Like you.

[1:12:18] Like who?

[1:12:19] Like me?

[1:12:20] Like you.

[1:12:21] Like him?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:22] Like him.

[1:12:22] Like them?

[1:12:23] Like them.

[1:12:24] There's a lot of great listeners out there.

[1:12:27] Like you and him, and them and we, and us and she, and all the people at NBC, I assume,

[1:12:36] give us a show.

[1:12:39] Lots of listeners that write us letters.

[1:12:42] They pour on in, in big old sacks with lots of facts and questions for us to answer.

[1:12:50] I'm sorry these people might have cancer, but they didn't tell us that, so I'm assuming they don't.

[1:12:58] Look, it's a Schrodinger's cat type of situation.

[1:13:02] Whether they do or not, across this whole nation, if you don't know that something bad's happening to someone,

[1:13:10] then there's a 50-50 chance that it is.

[1:13:13] You won't find out until they tell you.

[1:13:16] It's possible they won't tell you till they smell you.

[1:13:20] So bathe.

[1:13:21] People will trust you more if you do.

[1:13:24] This message was brought to you by the Cleanliness Council.

[1:13:26] If you want to know if your friends are having a serious health problem, bathe,

[1:13:30] and they'll trust you more to keep it a secret.

[1:13:32] If they smell clean on you.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:33] That song really ended up far away from where it began.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:37] Yeah, it was a real picaresque journey.

[1:13:39] This one.

[1:13:40] Through the dark heart of America.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:41] This letter is from.

[1:13:42] Oh, like Easy Rider.

[1:13:44] This letter is from Kata, last name withheld.

[1:13:47] And it goes like this.

[1:13:48] Si Kata.

[1:13:49] I was wondering where you were going to go with that, and you did not disappoint.

[1:13:53] I was like, there's no way that LA can come up with anything for Kata.

[1:13:58] And I was proven wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:00] Because of my love of bugs that sleep for 17 years before they come out and make noise and irritate me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:05] And then they leave these super dope shells that look like fucking Gartham.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:09] Yeah, they're really cool.

[1:14:10] And I loved them as a kid.

[1:14:11] I would collect them.

[1:14:12] And then my mom would throw them out, which she was right to do.

[1:14:15] What was I going to do with them?

[1:14:16] Yeah, snag on them?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:19] Kata writes, I'm currently a law student in Ottawa, Canada.

[1:14:23] And after I finished my first year, I decided to finally watch the much recommended film, The Paper Chase.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:29] Do they say first year or year first?

[1:14:33] Well, she says first year.

[1:14:35] I'm going to say year first.

[1:14:36] Because they say grade one, like grade nine or whatever instead of ninth grade.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:41] Go on.

[1:14:41] Yeah, it's a crazy mirror world.

[1:14:43] Where up is down and left is right.

[1:14:45] And pizza tastes like celery.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:46] I decided to finally watch the much recommended film, The Paper Chase.

[1:14:53] Although taking place in the 70s, it is in many ways a very accurate representation of the stress

[1:14:57] and some of the, let's say, interesting people you may encounter at law school.

[1:15:02] So my question for you is, is there any movie you think has a surprisingly accurate depiction

[1:15:06] of your respective fields or areas of interest?

[1:15:09] Thanks again, Kata, last name with L.

[1:15:12] Paper Chase is a good movie.

[1:15:14] Yeah.

[1:15:16] There's a lot of like backstage kind of movies and television shows, but most of them about comedy have been pretty bad.

[1:15:26] It's weird.

[1:15:27] Comically bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:27] How many shows about the making of TV and movies are not in any way accurate about that process?

[1:15:35] When the people making them, you know, know how that stuff works.

[1:15:38] Yeah.

[1:15:39] Because it's their profession.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:41] But maybe realism isn't their goal, making an entertaining story is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:45] Well, they usually fail on that account, too.

[1:15:47] I will say, this is not a movie, one show that was very accurate in the broad strokes of what it's like to write on a TV show was Mad Men.

[1:15:57] Even though it's not about a TV show, there were a lot of things going on in that show where it was like,

[1:16:01] oh, this is what it feels like to be on the staff of a television show, even though they're on the staff at an ad agency.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:06] Yeah, like the dynamics of like a creative environment.

[1:16:09] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:10] Where there's a lot of tension and people want ownership over their work, but can't totally have it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:15] Yeah, obviously, I would say, if you want to know about podcasters, go watch Tusk.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:23] Actually, I haven't seen that movie.

[1:16:24] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:26] But I'd say the first movie that comes to mind from like bartending.

[1:16:31] Cocktail.

[1:16:32] Cocktail.

[1:16:33] You know, it's all about flipping them bottles, getting up, dropping some speeches on people, not serving that many drinks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:41] Now, Stuart, what songs do you have pre-choreographed dance routines to?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:44] That's the thing.

[1:16:45] I feel like people nowadays only like songs from the 50s.

[1:16:49] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:16:50] Hippie Shake.

[1:16:51] I mean, of course, everybody fucking loves that.

[1:16:53] They lap it up.

[1:16:57] Like if I poured it in a little doggy dish, they'd get down their knees and they'd lap it up.

[1:17:02] But guys, we're serious.

[1:17:05] I was going to say the Tom Hardy movie The Drop with James Gandolfini, except for the inevitable violence stuff.

[1:17:13] A lot of it is the like mundane boringness of being in a neighborhood bar in Brooklyn.

[1:17:20] And I thought that was pretty cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] What do you say, Dan?

[1:17:24] It's a movie that I gave a marginal recommendation to before Don't Think Twice, I believe is what it was called.

[1:17:32] The Mike Birbiglia film.

[1:17:35] About what?

[1:17:35] Improv?

[1:17:35] About improv.

[1:17:36] Yeah.

[1:17:37] It's got its weird parts to it.

[1:17:42] The fact that they're all like super like the super committed group that all like seems to live together doing improv.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:49] I was talking to Mark Gagliardi about it at the Max Fun meetup and he said he saw that movie like three times in the theater because it reminded him so much of his like improv experience.

[1:17:58] Yeah.

[1:17:59] And his experience auditioning for Saturday Night Live.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:03] No, I think it was pretty accurate in terms of what it's like to be a struggling comedic person in a city.

[1:18:13] So I recommend that one for this question.

[1:18:18] But to move on, from Jeannie, last name withheld.

[1:18:24] Jean?

[1:18:25] Jeannie?

[1:18:26] I dream of?

[1:18:29] Oh, fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:31] Hi, Peaches.

[1:18:31] We've never had a friend like this letter writer.

[1:18:35] Okay.

[1:18:35] Like the song that Jeannie sings in Aladdin.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:38] Okay.

[1:18:39] Not as good as your cicada.

[1:18:40] All of our gas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:42] Let me, I was kind of not given the opportunity to fully do one originally.

[1:18:47] I was giving Stuart room and he totally nailed it.

[1:18:50] Excellent job, Stu.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] Yeah, yeah.

[1:18:52] I could not hope to do better.

[1:18:54] Jeannie writes,

[1:18:55] Hi, Peaches.

[1:18:56] My husband and I are big fans and love the fun that the podcast brings into our lives.

[1:19:00] Some of our favorite parts are when Elliot and Stuart make fun of Dan mispronouncing everything.

[1:19:05] As we are especially guilty of that in our own lives.

[1:19:08] Making fun of Dan?

[1:19:10] This is not a good quality to possess in that we're both teachers.

[1:19:13] Whether it be unintentionally saying something offensive or just flat out tripping over our own tongues, it can be a nuisance.

[1:19:19] We are both choir directors.

[1:19:20] One of my most, my more memorable moments was when I was rehearsing Carol of the Bells with my high school choir.

[1:19:26] And the last section is when the tenors sing ding dong, ding dong.

[1:19:30] I turned to my tenor section and said very emphatically, guys, don't cut off the dong too soon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:37] Hi-oh!

[1:19:38] What is this?

[1:19:39] Castle break?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:40] Yeah.

[1:19:40] That was for you, Stuart.

[1:19:42] Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do with this.

[1:19:45] Let me call my wife to her to clear off a shelf.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:48] Thank the academy.

[1:19:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:50] As a choir director, the possibilities for this type of instance are endless.

[1:19:55] As we've seen in Funky Winker Bean.

[1:19:57] Anyway, that's high school bands.

[1:19:58] Never mind.

[1:19:58] The other day, my husband was rehearsing a Tarzan medley.

[1:20:02] I don't know what that would be.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:05] I'm going to guess it's songs from the Disney movie Tarzan and not just different yells.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:11] Rehearsing a Tarzan medley with his sixth grade choir.

[1:20:16] When telling them the synopsis of the movie, he meant to say, and then Tarzan was raised by apes.

[1:20:21] Uh-oh!

[1:20:22] But very unfortunately, he said to about 50 kids, and then Tarzan was raped by apes.

[1:20:27] Well, that took a good ten minutes out of class.

[1:20:30] At least, I'm guessing.

[1:20:32] Yeah, the parent-teacher conferences immediately after.

[1:20:35] So now the disciplinary hearings have begun.

[1:20:37] Trauma counseling.

[1:20:39] Since all of you do a lot of speaking in front of crowds with your live shows, do you have any memorable moments when you've had a slip of the tongue?

[1:20:45] Or maybe at any point in your life, Dan, please limit to three.

[1:20:49] Love you guys, and thanks for the laughs.

[1:20:50] Jeannie, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:53] In front of a crowd?

[1:20:54] Yeah.

[1:20:54] Specifically?

[1:20:55] Not necessarily.

[1:20:56] Okay, because there are many times, I'm sure, when I've said words I didn't mean to say.

[1:21:01] There was the other night, I was hosting a screening of In the Mouth of Madness, my favorite John Carpenter movie at the Alamo Drafthouse in New York.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:10] It was great.

[1:21:10] And did you say, at the mountains of madness, and everyone was like, oh my god, the lost masterpiece that was never made.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:15] The Guillermo del Toro classic that doesn't exist.

[1:21:18] And I meant to say overshot, and I think it said over shit.

[1:21:23] Hilarious.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:23] Unlike the five-year-olds in the audience for the late night movie were flipping their wigs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:27] Like, he said a bad word.

[1:21:29] Anyway, show me the movie where the people turn into skinless horrors.

[1:21:33] I will say that, speaking, since your husband accidentally misspoke and said that Tarzan was raped by apes, I did once do a live presentation at a show called Kevin Geeks Out, hosted by Kevin Moore in New York, about the tradition in movies of people being raped by gorillas as comedy fodder.

[1:21:52] Or the implied rape of people being raped by gorillas and how I don't think that's funny and I think it's really terrible.

[1:21:57] And it was only as I was walking up to the stage that I was about to give a presentation called Ape Rape that it ran through my head, wait a second, this might not work.

[1:22:07] I'm about to say the word rape a lot of times in this presentation.

[1:22:10] But it worked out pretty well.

[1:22:12] It was the right room for that presentation.

[1:22:14] But I know that the nervousness of saying that kind of thing in front of an audience, hoping they'll understand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:19] And don't worry, in 2017, Dave Chappelle would go on to release a special that features the word rape a ton.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:25] Yeah, that doesn't really help me feel better about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:29] Now, this isn't something I said, but I remember when I was in high school reading an issue of YM Magazine.

[1:22:37] And there's that segment.

[1:22:39] Sure.

[1:22:39] Because you were both young and modern.

[1:22:42] When we were sitting around the library and our library carried it.

[1:22:46] And there was that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:47] So were you also like a teen boy who found himself with his friends looking at YM Magazine

[1:22:52] to learn something about girls?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:56] Kind of.

[1:22:56] I think it was, I was hanging out.

[1:22:58] I got to sit at the library table with the cool kid.

[1:23:04] Uh-huh.

[1:23:05] I think I was hanging out with my friends Brian Boltzell and his friend Aaron Hughes, who had older brothers.

[1:23:12] So, you know, of course he's cool.

[1:23:14] And so he was the one who picked up the YM Magazine.

[1:23:17] And in my head, I'm like, that's not for me to look at.

[1:23:20] That's for girls.

[1:23:21] Obviously, I have become a much more progressive human since then.

[1:23:25] Sure.

[1:23:25] Yeah, you read Cosmo all the time.

[1:23:26] But there was a, I think it was in the say anything section, which is when people like write in and tell stories where they misspoke.

[1:23:33] And my favorite one was still where the young lady in the story was telling an instance where she was at a pharmacy and was trying to buy some candy.

[1:23:44] And the person at the counter was a handsome man.

[1:23:48] And when he asked her what she wanted, she said, Reese's penis instead of Reese's pieces.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:54] Oh, boy.

[1:23:54] How embarrassing.

[1:23:55] Oh, the laughs I had in that library.

[1:23:58] Now, was his name Reese?

[1:24:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:00] Because that would make it doubly awkward.

[1:24:02] His name was Kyle Reese, Elliot.

[1:24:04] And he came here from the future.

[1:24:06] He came here from the future to save the future.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:08] To save the future because a Terminator is trying to kill John Connor.

[1:24:11] So he needed to get a job temporarily.

[1:24:13] Oh, yeah, to support himself for a little bit because he overshot and went back too far.

[1:24:18] And it was long before John Connor's mother was anywhere close to him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:20] Well, you can't wear one trench coat all the time, Elliot.

[1:24:23] That's crazy.

[1:24:24] He had to buy multiple trench coats.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:26] I mean, to buy any clothes.

[1:24:27] He came in from the future naked.

[1:24:29] So he just walked into that 7-Eleven or whatever it was, nude, got the job because they needed someone badly.

[1:24:35] I mean, I said pharmacy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:37] I think that's a stretch to call it a 7-Eleven.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:40] I forgot.

[1:24:41] I knew it was a counter where candy is sold.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:44] Yeah, you're like, is it a 7-Eleven?

[1:24:46] Is it a soda jerk?

[1:24:47] I'm not sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:48] So I walk into 7-Elevens all the time and I'm like, can you fill this prescription, please?

[1:24:51] He's like, sure.

[1:24:52] Is cheese okay?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:54] Luckily, it's a prescription I wrote myself that just calls for big gulps.

[1:24:58] Okay.

[1:24:59] Because I thought we were going to go on a bit where Steve Urkel shows up and brings his prescription.

[1:25:06] And he gets a bill of cheese because he's Steve Urkel and he loves cheese.

[1:25:09] Okay, don't worry about it.

[1:25:10] We'll work on this bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:11] What medicine would Steve Urkel be getting?

[1:25:13] Like Adderall or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:16] I'm assuming it's something like that.

[1:25:17] I assume it's some kind of Zoloft.

[1:25:19] Yeah, it's the only thing that allows him to focus when he's building robots of himself.

[1:25:23] Okay.

[1:25:24] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:24] This last letter is from Sarah Last Night Withheld.

[1:25:27] Contra?

[1:25:28] It writes, help me.

[1:25:29] Yeah.

[1:25:30] Say, help me find Kyle Reese.

[1:25:32] Help me settle a long-running argument.

[1:25:35] If FDR came back as a zombie, would his legs work?

[1:25:38] Thanks, you're the best.

[1:25:39] Sarah Last Night Withheld.

[1:25:40] I'm going to say no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:41] No?

[1:25:42] Those muscles were so atrophied in real life.

[1:25:45] I can only imagine that decomposition has done them a turn worse.

[1:25:49] But if you've ever seen, really looked closely at pictures of him, especially pictures taken around times when he was swimming,

[1:25:56] there are not that many of them, but you see that his upper body was super built up

[1:26:01] because he had to rest almost all of his weight on his arms whenever he needed to move around.

[1:26:05] And his legs are very thin.

[1:26:08] They've atrophied.

[1:26:09] And so the idea that—

[1:26:10] He was like an English longbowman?

[1:26:12] In a way, kind of.

[1:26:14] And so the idea that this upper half could be supported by the lower half, I just don't buy it.

[1:26:20] So I'm going to say no.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:21] Elliot, with all due respect, you're an idiot.

[1:26:24] Oh, explain, Dan.

[1:26:26] If the zombie-ness can reanimate dead tissue, then of course he can reanimate his legs to a degree that he can—

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:34] It's not that the legs need to be reanimated.

[1:26:37] You're just saying he'd be crawling around because he can't—

Dan McCoy

[1:26:39] He can't support his upper body.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:42] Yes.

[1:26:43] His legs still might move, you're saying?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:45] I mean, I don't think they would move either.

[1:26:47] I don't—

[1:26:47] I think those—

[1:26:48] See, I think that that's where you run into trouble.

[1:26:50] Maybe I would accept that the legs would be so weak that he could only kick them around like a baby.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:57] And how does he animate it?

[1:26:58] Is it magic?

[1:26:59] Did a necromancer rise him from the dead?

[1:27:01] This is a good question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:02] Or is this like a virus?

[1:27:03] Now, if this is some kind of space virus, there's no way.

[1:27:06] Yeah, no.

[1:27:06] If this is some kind of music-based calypso like in Weekend of Bernie's 2, then maybe, yes.

[1:27:12] Except it would be whenever he heard calypso music and he'd dance away into the ocean.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:16] But if it's like space worms like in Night of the Creeps, it could lead to a situation where his legs do work, which is one of the more touching moments of Night of the Creeps when he's hearing his friend talk about how he can walk again after not being able to walk.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:26] But they're not really zombies, are they, in Night of the Creeps?

[1:27:29] Their bodies have been taken over.

[1:27:30] They're not reanimated dead.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:32] I mean, there's a lot of dead flesh wandering around.

[1:27:36] And I mean, I think one's like basically just a skeleton.

[1:27:38] That sounds like a zombie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:40] That's a good point.

[1:27:41] That's a good point.

[1:27:42] I stand corrected.

[1:27:42] Dan, I still, here's the thing about zombie science.

[1:27:45] It's still pretty hypothetical because it's not real and doesn't exist.

[1:27:47] Uh-huh.

[1:27:48] But I have to assume that the zombie is not.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:50] No matter how many Reddit boards, they call them boards, Reddit boards, for the Walking Dead television program you may post on, you don't know for sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:00] I've yet to see a zombie movie where the zombie is more powerful than the person was in real life except for the power of being able to survive dismemberment and things like that when you wouldn't be able to in real life.

[1:28:13] Like unless it has super, maybe because the zombies like 28 days later move a lot faster than people would be able to move.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:20] I mean, in the television program iZombie, she can acquire the traits of people's brains that she eats.

[1:28:27] Okay, interesting.

[1:28:28] She couldn't do that before.

[1:28:30] When she was not as honest.

[1:28:31] I'm assuming we actually.

[1:28:33] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[1:28:34] I don't know for sure.

[1:28:36] Once again, we're getting into hypothetical territory.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:38] Yeah, anybody who eats a brain might get that ability.

[1:28:41] Yeah, you're totally right.

[1:28:42] And Rogue wouldn't even need to eat a brain.

[1:28:44] She'd just need to touch you, Shug, and she'd get all your memories and powers.

[1:28:47] But what if she ate a brain?

[1:28:50] I mean, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:52] It should be weird.

[1:28:53] Go fucking post that on a YouTube comment.

[1:28:56] What if Rogue ate a brain?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:58] And just see what happens.

[1:29:00] Throw that message in a model in the sea and see who picks it up.

[1:29:04] Just write hello on that dollar bill and buy someone with it and see where that message lands.

[1:29:09] I feel like that's a rock.

[1:29:10] I don't want to just start kicking over.

[1:29:12] I think that's a good point.

[1:29:14] Might be a zombie underneath it.

[1:29:16] Dan, you look tired.

[1:29:17] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[1:29:18] What do we do now?

[1:29:19] Like a tired little baby yawning his face open.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:21] My cold is sapping my energy rapidly.

[1:29:25] So we should move on to the last segment, which is recommendations of movies that you've seen recently that you enjoyed or maybe not so recently that you enjoyed.

[1:29:36] I watched a movie that I taped off of.

[1:29:39] Better not be the same movie I'm going to recommend.

[1:29:41] I think it would be very surprising if it was.

[1:29:44] I taped this movie off of Turner Classic Movies on a whim based on the description and the cast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:51] Hey, welcome to my world.

[1:29:53] That's what I do all the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:54] It was called Suddenly.

[1:29:56] Oh, with Frank Sinatra.

[1:29:57] Frank Sinatra and Sterling Hayden.

[1:29:59] Old blue eyes?

[1:30:00] Yep, Sterling Hayden.

[1:30:01] Old blue eyes.

[1:30:03] Sterling Hayden plays a small town sheriff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:07] Is there any other kind?

Dan McCoy

[1:30:09] Well, good question.

[1:30:11] Or is it a good question?

[1:30:14] Not really.

[1:30:16] He finds out that the president is going to make a stop in his town.

[1:30:24] He's going to get off the train in his town to go drive off to visit a adjoining town.

[1:30:31] And Frank Sinatra is in town to try and kill the president.

[1:30:38] He does a home invasion of a house up on the hill of the father of the woman that Sterling Hayden is kind of sweet on.

[1:30:49] And there's a hostage situation with Sterling Hayden and the mother and her young son and an old man.

[1:30:58] Sorry, I'm really fading now.

[1:31:01] And it's just a 75-minute long movie.

[1:31:06] So it keeps it pretty tight.

[1:31:09] And it's just fun to watch Frank Sinatra be, I assume, kind of what Frank Sinatra was like in real life, except for wanting to kill the president.

[1:31:18] Kind of an asshole.

[1:31:20] Yeah, violent jerk.

[1:31:21] Violent jerk.

[1:31:22] But he's kind of electrifying in the role.

[1:31:25] And it's just a fun assassination thriller.

[1:31:31] It happened before JFK got assassinated.

[1:31:37] I wasn't able to find out whether this was true online or not.

[1:31:41] But there's talk that the movie was pulled because of the JFK assassination.

[1:31:47] And that's why it hasn't been seen that much since.

[1:31:50] But it's very good.

[1:31:51] It's a lot of fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:52] I think it was not that successful a movie when it came out.

[1:31:54] Yeah.

[1:31:55] Which is part of it, too.

[1:31:56] Like, people say that about the Manchurian candidate.

[1:31:58] Like, oh, Sinatra pulled it after a candidate was assassinated.

[1:32:01] But it was really, there was a rights situation that made it very difficult for it to be re-released.

[1:32:07] Yeah.

[1:32:09] So that's a fun one.

[1:32:10] Huh?

[1:32:11] Just like Assassin's Creed, you picked an assassin movie.

[1:32:14] Oh.

[1:32:15] I'm going to pick a movie.

[1:32:16] Think about it.

[1:32:16] It's appropriate.

[1:32:17] That's not like that at all.

[1:32:19] Do they have wrist blades in that movie?

[1:32:22] No, they have an electrified gun.

[1:32:24] So what happens when Frank Sinatra uses his Animus machine to relive his past histories?

[1:32:29] Yeah.

[1:32:30] Yeah, what happens to him?

[1:32:32] Oh, the hijinks.

[1:32:34] Such hijinks.

[1:32:35] Just like Assassin's Creed, full of hijinks.

[1:32:39] This, on the movie I saw is another movie by that master of Indian filmmaking, Satyajit Ray.

[1:32:45] Oh.

[1:32:46] Or Satyajit.

[1:32:47] I'm always pronouncing his name wrong, I'm sure.

[1:32:49] Who I recommended his Apu movies not too long ago, I guess.

[1:32:52] This one I only saw recently.

[1:32:55] And the Indian title is something like Jal Sagar, but it means, or in English it's The Music Room.

[1:33:02] And it is the story of a kind of, the last member of an aristocratic family, or rather the last kind of like male scion of this aristocratic family that is deteriorating and does not have the money it once had.

[1:33:16] And he is addicted to two things.

[1:33:18] One, the respect that comes with being an aristocrat in this very old world style village he lives in.

[1:33:25] And live music played in his music room.

[1:33:28] And he is running through the family money and jewels and everything to keep hiring live musicians and putting on these shows.

[1:33:34] And as a result, he drives himself and his family into ruin.

[1:33:38] And yet he cannot seem to break the spell that the need for respect and the need for music have over him.

[1:33:44] And there's some amazing scenes of just like Indian music performers in the music room.

[1:33:50] And it's one of these movies where it's like, you know how it's going to end once it starts.

[1:33:55] Like it's not like the hero is going to have a sudden epiphany and things are going to turn out okay.

[1:34:00] But it was really good and really well done.

[1:34:02] And I found it really powerful.

[1:34:04] So, The Music Room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:05] The Music Room.

[1:34:06] Okay, guys, you got to hear me out.

[1:34:08] Okay.

[1:34:08] The movie I'm going to recommend is a movie I think I've talked about on this podcast before.

[1:34:13] Okay.

[1:34:14] It's a movie called Critters 2.

[1:34:18] I want to recommend Critters 2 to you guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:20] Now, is that the one where the bounty hunter is the Playboy model and pulls a staple out of?

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:30] Yes.

[1:34:31] That happens.

[1:34:32] So, Critters 2.

[1:34:33] Critters 2 is a perfect example of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:36] Now, this is Critters 2, the main course.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:37] The main course.

[1:34:38] As Wikipedia tells me.

[1:34:39] Yep, of course.

[1:34:41] Critters 2 is a perfect example of a sequel that genuinely improves on the first film.

[1:34:48] The special effects are bigger and better.

[1:34:51] It's got some great practical effects.

[1:34:53] It's directed by Mick Garris.

[1:34:54] The script was written by.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:56] Stephen King's favorite director.

[1:34:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:57] This script was written by Mick Garris and David Twohy, who would go on to do Pitch Black and Below and The Chronicles of Riddick.

[1:35:07] You know.

[1:35:08] So, we got some bona fides working on this movie.

[1:35:13] It also does feature an amazing performance from Elliot's favorite actor, Eddie Deason.

[1:35:19] Oh, yeah.

[1:35:20] Big fan.

[1:35:21] So, it's great.

[1:35:23] It's a lot of fun.

[1:35:24] It's got some great special effects.

[1:35:26] I totally recommend Critters 2.

[1:35:29] And I'm also going to throw out another recommendation to a more recent movie that I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

[1:35:37] My wife and I watched Neighbors 2 the other day, which was a sequel to the Seth Rogen and who's that?

[1:35:47] Zac Efron.

[1:35:49] Yeah.

[1:35:50] Comedy.

[1:35:50] But now they're working together, right?

[1:35:52] Yeah.

[1:35:52] And they're working, in theory, or at least against a sorority that has started up next door.

[1:36:02] And it manages to be like, first off, for a studio comedy, it has way more laughs than you would expect.

[1:36:09] And it has a very feminist message to it, which I was not totally expecting it.

[1:36:17] Yeah.

[1:36:17] It's really great.

[1:36:19] Chloe Grace Moretz is great.

[1:36:20] Yeah.

[1:36:21] It's fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:23] Three very similar movies.

[1:36:26] Yeah.

[1:36:26] You got The Music Room.

[1:36:28] You got Critters 2.

[1:36:29] And you got Suddenly.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:31] Yeah.

[1:36:32] The Universe 2.

[1:36:33] Spans the whole spectrum of human experience.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:35] Yep.

[1:36:36] Whether it's presidential assassinations, the fall of a once great family, or Critters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:43] The other night I was talking to somebody, and we were talking about Critters 2, and I'm like,

[1:36:47] I'm going to fucking recommend that.

[1:36:48] And then I checked on the Flophouse Recommends wiki, which is lovingly maintained by a listener.

[1:36:53] And I pulled it up, and I saw that I had not recommended any of the Critters movies, and I was shocked.

[1:37:01] I think I almost dropped my phone.

[1:37:03] This is the justice that must be corrected.

[1:37:05] I had that moment of like, what has happened?

[1:37:07] But surely you've recommended Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys, yes?

[1:37:11] At least once, right?

[1:37:13] How many of the Trancers films have you recommended?

[1:37:16] I don't know.

[1:37:17] Maybe just one or two.

[1:37:18] At least Cross Worlds, right?

[1:37:20] I'll have to check.

[1:37:21] Check.

[1:37:21] What about Trancer Cop?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:23] I don't think I've seen Trancer Cop yet.

[1:37:25] Okay.

[1:37:26] Well, this is a conversation that could easily take place off air, so we should probably wrap

[1:37:30] it up.

[1:37:32] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:37:34] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] And I'm Elliot Kalin, now and forever at the Winter Garden.

[1:37:41] Good night, everyone.

[1:37:43] Yeah!

[1:37:51] Assassin's Creed.

[1:37:56] Assassin's Creed.

[1:37:57] It's a creed for assassins.

[1:37:59] You can't spell Creed without reed.

[1:38:00] Meaning, like a reed coming out of water.

[1:38:03] You know, or you use when you play clarinet.

[1:38:06] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:38:08] So it could mean Assassin's C-Reed.

[1:38:10] Yeah, licorice stick.

[1:38:10] And the C stands for clarinet.

[1:38:13] Or as jazz men would call it a licorice stick.

[1:38:16] Clarinet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:17] Yep.

[1:38:17] I've never heard that before.

[1:38:19] I think that's funny.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:21] MaximumFun.org

[1:38:24] Comedy and culture.

[1:38:25] Artist owned.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:26] Listener supported.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:28] Hi, everybody.

[1:38:29] I'm Justin McElroy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:30] I'm Travis McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:31] I'm Griffin McElroy.

[1:38:32] And we host the first podcast ever made,

[1:38:34] My Brother, My Brother, I Made.

[1:38:35] Every Monday, we put out the first ever

[1:38:37] advice comedy podcast ever.

[1:38:39] They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls.

[1:38:41] We're the Hammurabi code of podcasts,

[1:38:44] and we're ready to entertain you with jokes

[1:38:45] that we invented the first jokes.

[1:38:48] So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org.

[1:38:50] You'll never crack our code.

[1:38:51] Just try me.

[1:38:53] It's history in the making.

[1:38:54] And in the faking.

[1:38:55] And it's all yours for the taking.

Ep. #229 - Assassin's Creed

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