Ep. #229 - Assassin's Creed

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Assassin's Creed from Ubisoft Games.

[0:07] Makers of such other great movies as None, Nothing, Silch, Nada, None, No Movies, Nothing, No Movies.

[1:00] The flop day.

[1:02] Sure!

[1:04] The day that we shot Syria with a bunch of bombs?

[1:08] Dan...

[1:10] I don't know, I'm just trying to get...

[1:12] Why do you have to keep bringing the real world into this magical fantasy land of snark we call the Flop House?

[1:18] I'm trying to play into whatever your thing is. I don't know what your bit is.

[1:24] You can't read his body language, Dan?

[1:26] It's the two week anniversary of our last episode.

[1:29] Oh, that's true.

[1:31] So what did you get me?

[1:33] Don't tell me you forgot, again.

[1:35] Uh, the babysitter stuff.

[1:37] I got you the plastic and holder together thing from Stuart's six pack.

[1:43] Oh, these rings. I can use these to strangle fish to death. I appreciate that.

[1:47] You know that's the only thing that gets me turned on these days.

[1:50] Yeah, you just show it to the fish and you're like, you're going to be sleeping with you.

[1:56] Oh boy.

[1:58] So thanks for the prop work, Dan.

[2:00] You can't see the listeners, but he actually handed me this six pack beer ring.

[2:04] Dan will probably update the Flop House website with a picture of those rings.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:10] It would be funny if I had a photo of that with a big celebrity and I just labeled it plastic.

[2:18] Six pack ring, seen here.

[2:20] Yeah, and the picture of the celebrity is to provide an accurate date to the photo.

[2:25] Yeah, they're holding up today's newspaper.

[2:27] That's exactly what Skeet Ulrich's beard looks like on that one day.

[2:31] As you can see, I had LeBron James hold up today's newspaper so you could know what date it was.

[2:37] He thought briefly that I had kidnapped him, but I disabused him of that notion.

[2:41] Um, hey, I've got a weird voice because I have a cold.

[2:45] Dan has a cold and Stuart is hot.

[2:48] So it evens out to me, Elliot, the guy in the middle, just kind of lukewarm, doing my best.

[2:53] Lukewarm, by the way, was my acting name, my screen name, Lucas Warm.

[2:58] Or if I was doing like a cool thing, Lukewarm.

[3:01] I didn't get a lot of roles, but the roles I did get, such as orderly number three on Oz, the scene was cut.

[3:09] Or nurse number two on ER, the scene was cut.

[3:13] Did you go by Lukewarm or Lucas Warm?

[3:15] Well, that's the thing.

[3:16] If it was a serious role, Lucas Warm.

[3:18] But if it was like a cool role, Lukewarm.

[3:20] Oh, you just changed it up.

[3:21] You didn't have to file with one with the Actors Guild?

[3:23] Uh, I mean, I should have.

[3:25] That's why they kicked me out.

[3:27] I didn't realize I had to be a member of a union.

[3:29] And also that there was already a Lukewarm and a Lucas Warm.

[3:33] Also a Lucas J. Warm and a Luke R. Warmington.

[3:37] Yeah, and there's the Eastern European Luca Swarm.

[3:42] He's a wrestler.

[3:43] Yeah, Luca Swarm.

[3:44] Yeah, he's half B.

[3:45] This bit reminds me of the only. . .

[3:48] Not what bit.

[3:49] This is my real life.

[3:50] Dan, this isn't a bit.

[3:52] This is real life.

[3:53] That was for Matt Singer.

[3:55] Yeah, this reminds me of the only April Fool's prank I took part of, which was. . .

[4:00] Took part in, but yes.

[4:02] Which was when I was an intern for the Leonard Lopate Show,

[4:07] which is a local public radio program.

[4:10] I was on air as a character who had been cut from every pilot of a successful television show.

[4:19] Ah.

[4:20] And so I was actually in the pilot for Cheers, but I had been cut.

[4:23] I was in the pilot for The X-Files, but I had been cut.

[4:27] And I had no IMDb credits because I had been cut from all these shows.

[4:31] And that's not really a story, but it's a thing that happened to me.

[4:35] So how was it a prank?

[4:37] Yeah, how was it a prank?

[4:38] Who was the target of this prank?

[4:41] Who are you getting with this?

[4:43] Well, then I saran wrapped Leonard Lopate's toilet.

[4:46] Oh, okay. That makes sense.

[4:49] Look at me like this.

[4:51] And you were like, just try to track me down.

[4:53] I don't exist, according to IMDb.

[4:55] And you disappeared in a puff of pro.

[4:57] IMDb pro, that is.

[5:00] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[5:02] Aside from you having a cold and me making up nonsense and Stuart just being generally handsome.

[5:07] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[5:11] Kind of like a review show, like a round table.

[5:14] Except the table we're at is actually not round.

[5:16] It's rectangular.

[5:17] Fun fact put in the trivia section on IMDb for the Flophouse.

[5:20] Actually, speaking of it, do they do podcast entries on IMDb?

[5:24] There's TV shows and there's movies.

[5:27] Is there an IPDB, Internet Podcast Database?

[5:31] Because we should have an entry.

[5:32] Get on it, Internet.

[5:33] Somebody make that and then in the trivia section, or the goof section put,

[5:37] Stuart referred to it as a round table, but the table is actually not round.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] What a goof.

[5:42] Yeah. Goofs.

[5:45] Stuart said that at the end of Mirrors, he was not in a mirror world, but he was in a mirror world.

[5:51] Goofs.

[5:53] Oh, yes.

[5:54] So wait a minute.

[5:55] The goof section of the Internet Podcast Database is going to have anything that somebody said that is not actually based in fact.

[6:03] Wow.

[6:04] That's going to take a lot of time in writing.

[6:06] It's going to be a big goof section.

[6:08] I don't know if it will take longer to fill out the goof section or to fill out Paula Tompkins' podcast credits.

[6:15] Take that, Paula Tompkins, you prolific motherfucker.

[6:21] You got Wellingtoned.

[6:23] Oh, I'm sorry.

[6:24] Enjoy your work and everything.

[6:27] Okay.

[6:28] So, Dan, we watch a bad movie.

[6:30] We talk about it.

[6:31] We make up a lot of nonsense.

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] And tonight, did we watch a bad movie?

[6:35] We watched one of the worst movies.

[6:39] I'm skipping ahead, but we watched something called Assassin's Creed.

[6:44] Now, Assassin's Creed is based on a series of video games.

[6:48] Oh, right.

[6:50] And that's probably why so much of the movie was platform jumping and hand-to-hand combat with a variety of unrealistic weaponry.

[7:00] And stuff happening in the present that felt like cut scenes.

[7:04] Yeah, and that they should have been cut from the film.

[7:07] So let's just get this out up front.

[7:09] We're a couple of gamer boys, right?

[7:11] Gamer boys, see you later boys?

[7:13] See you, lamer boys.

[7:16] And I remember—

[7:18] Dan, what's the name of your Avril Lavigne parody cover band?

[7:24] Avril Vajean.

[7:27] I dress up as Borat when I do this.

[7:29] I started shaking my head before you even started talking.

[7:31] Dan, I gave you an almost impossible task with that one.

[7:34] And you less than exceeded my expectations.

[7:37] So I apologize.

[7:38] That's on me.

[7:39] That's not on you.

[7:40] Look, I can't ask a man to swallow fire and expect him to just do it right off the bat.

[7:45] It would be impossible.

[7:46] We have an Avril Tajine.

[7:48] The Moroccan cuisine.

[7:51] I mean, I like that more than the first one.

[7:53] The Tajine.

[7:54] I'm just going to skip ahead and we'll get to Cape Canaveral Lavigne.

[7:57] Where she's like a cool girl wearing a tie, but she also wears an astronaut spacesuit.

[8:01] Advil Lavigne.

[8:03] Oh, there it is.

[8:04] That's a good one.

[8:05] He got it.

[8:06] It only took four tries between the three of us.

[8:10] So, as I was saying, we're a couple of hardcore gamer dudes.

[8:14] And I remember—

[8:16] I've certainly played a video game in the past seven years.

[8:20] Dan has a little Nintendo box over there.

[8:22] I have one of those mini Nintendos.

[8:23] Yeah, and you have like a Tamagotchi, right?

[8:26] Oh, it died.

[8:28] Oh, boy.

[8:29] I'm so sorry to hear that.

[8:30] Yeah.

[8:31] I tried to feed it just like real life food.

[8:34] It just kept pouring beans all over the Tamagotchi.

[8:37] It's in digital heaven now with the Battletoads.

[8:40] But, Stuart, you're a gamer guy.

[8:42] Yeah, so I remember borrowing a CD-ROM of Assassin's Creed from my friend Brad.

[8:50] Because he swore by it.

[8:52] He's like, it's awesome.

[8:53] You get to be an awesome ninja.

[8:55] Bergstresser?

[8:56] Yeah, we can do a shout-out.

[8:57] Yeah.

[8:58] Brad Bergstresser, one of the first listeners in this podcast history to come up to us and say,

[9:03] you guys just bullshit too much.

[9:05] You've got to talk about the movies.

[9:08] Speaking of which, tell us about the time you borrowed a video game from a friend.

[9:11] I borrowed a copy of Assassin's Creed, and I popped it in my player, fired it up, cracked a bruise.

[9:16] Put it in your 3DO?

[9:17] Yeah, and I'm like, I can't wait to do this ninja stuff.

[9:20] Because all the trailers for the game look like you're just this awesome assassin dude running around very realistic cities.

[9:29] And you're like, you can go anywhere and do anything as long as it's assassin-related.

[9:34] So that sounded cool to me.

[9:36] Murderers have no rules.

[9:38] It sounds a little bit like you're filling out your assassin tax forms, and you're like, I can probably deduct these shoes.

[9:45] Because I use them when I go about doing my assassin-related business.

[9:50] I can't pull off my cool jumps and flips if I don't have the right socks.

[9:54] So I'll write that off too.

[9:56] You should be a little more shitty about it.

[10:00] Well, how am I supposed to do my flips?

[10:05] But I remember putting in the game machine and it starting up.

[10:08] And you start in, like, the future.

[10:11] And then you use some kind of computer to send you back in the past.

[10:14] Like, why do you need this additional framing device?

[10:17] Just be an assassin, dude.

[10:19] Luckily, the movie, worrying that it would not be an hour and 55 minutes long,

[10:23] held onto that framing device so that it could reach full feature length.

[10:26] So let's dive into the movie.

[10:28] Stuart, did you like the game, by the way?

[10:30] After I played a little bit of the tutorial

[10:32] and didn't know how to get out of the corner, I stopped playing.

[10:37] So we begin in 1492 when the Catholic...

[10:42] Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

[10:44] Spoiler alert, that guy shows his face later,

[10:48] although he wasn't really identified by name.

[10:50] So we had to look it up on Wikipedia to figure out who he was.

[10:54] That's an Easter egg for the real fans.

[10:56] Sure, yeah.

[10:58] In 1492, the Catholic monarchs of Spain

[11:01] are finally on the verge of taking back Granada from its Muslim occupants.

[11:07] This is after Spain has finally liberated itself from Moorish rule.

[11:12] And those two forces are represented in game, or in game, in the movie.

[11:18] It's not a game. It's a movie, guys.

[11:20] Just keep telling yourself it's only a movie and not a game.

[11:23] They're represented by the forces of the Templars and Inquisition

[11:27] versus the Assassins.

[11:29] And now...

[11:30] Now, were the Inquisition and the Templars opposed in actual history?

[11:34] I believe so.

[11:36] Honestly, all the garbage I read about the Knights Templar

[11:39] when I was a conspiracy monger teenager, I've forgotten mostly.

[11:43] But I do believe so. I think the Templars...

[11:45] When I was preparing for that Vampire of the Dark Ages role-playing game,

[11:49] I remember reading a bunch of crap.

[11:51] I believe the Templars were seen as a...

[11:54] Yeah, as like a subversive, quasi-homosexual sect.

[11:59] And they were also gathering too much wealth and power.

[12:01] And that was one of the reasons the Inquisition stepped in.

[12:03] They're like, oh, you're against God.

[12:05] We want your stuff now. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

[12:08] So it's...

[12:09] Our hunger for power and money knows no bounds.

[12:12] We're introduced via one of many swooping crane-slash-eagle shots

[12:17] in which a CGI eagle is flying over a cityscape.

[12:21] And we're introduced to one of our heroes, Aguilar,

[12:25] who is being inducted into the Assassin's Creed Brotherhood.

[12:28] Oh, damn.

[12:30] Yeah, his assassin hoodie is being lifted into the rafters.

[12:34] And that's the other thing you need to know.

[12:35] If you're an assassin, you gotta keep your head covered with a hood.

[12:37] That's how it works.

[12:39] So I'm sorry, Lee Harvey Oswald and Gavriel Princep and Leon Kozkals.

[12:45] Maybe you killed world leaders, but you're not true assassins

[12:48] because you weren't wearing bitching hoodies

[12:50] and jumping off of towers all the time.

[12:52] Anyway, he's inducted into the Assassin's Creed,

[12:55] which seems to involve having one of his fingers cut off.

[12:58] And he's given these two wrist-mounted, spring-loaded blades.

[13:03] They go right under your palm.

[13:05] So I guess if you twitch your hand, they'll pop out.

[13:08] Which I guess are better than regular knives because...

[13:10] They're always attached to your arms, dude.

[13:12] You can't lose them. And maybe, sure, you should...

[13:14] Yeah, like you lose your keys.

[13:17] Like you lose your blades, these are better.

[13:20] You strap them to your arms.

[13:21] Like you lose your keys.

[13:24] That's Sean Connery as Medicine Man in Assassin's Creed.

[13:29] He is told, and I'm partially going back to Wikipedia

[13:33] to remember some of this stuff.

[13:34] He's told in a very dimly lit, dusty room

[13:37] because this movie is about a couple of different things.

[13:39] And that is people wearing hoods,

[13:41] people in rooms that have shafts of light with dust in them,

[13:45] and people...

[13:46] It's the mists of memory and time, dude.

[13:49] Oh, good point.

[13:49] Yeah, it's just like Michael Jackson's

[13:51] Remember the Time video when he dissolves into sand.

[13:53] And it's about people mumbling to each other.

[13:57] And they're mumbling either Spanish with subtitles,

[14:02] made-up science-y bullshit about how your DNA

[14:04] contains the memories of your ancestors,

[14:07] or just kind of nonsense that it's hard to hear

[14:11] because everyone's so mumbly.

[14:13] Anyway, Michael Fassbender is Aguilar.

[14:16] And he's told he's going to protect the Prince of Granada

[14:19] because the bad guys who are the Knights Templar

[14:22] slash Catholic Church want to take him

[14:25] so that they can use him as leverage

[14:28] to get something called the apple.

[14:30] And the apple is supposed to be...

[14:32] I guess it's the apple from the Tree of Life in Eden.

[14:34] There's a text scroll at the beginning that tells you

[14:37] there's this magic apple, which turns out to be...

[14:39] It turns out to be a device that looks like

[14:42] Boosh's thermal detonator from Jabba's Palace

[14:45] in Return of the Jedi.

[14:46] Yeah, like a weird incense burner.

[14:49] Yeah, but that's supposed to be the apple

[14:52] from the Tree of Life in Eden.

[14:53] And it represents...

[14:54] I don't understand.

[14:55] I mean, if it's supposed to be the apple,

[14:56] then I don't get the whole Genesis story.

[14:59] So the tree's made out of metal.

[15:00] Yeah, I guess.

[15:01] They took a bite out of this metal apple, which then...

[15:04] Dan, Dan, Dan.

[15:05] One, the Bible's all metaphors,

[15:07] and two, God is a transformer.

[15:09] Okay.

[15:11] If you believe that God is a transformer,

[15:12] which was that he was literally the Optimus Prime,

[15:15] and that's why you see so many...

[15:16] He said, I am the Optimus, and I am the Prime.

[15:18] It's why you see so many preachers being...

[15:20] They were mad at the Transformers movies

[15:22] because they're like,

[15:22] I say there's only one Optimus Prime,

[15:24] the big Optimus Prime in the sky,

[15:26] who defeated Unicron and the forces of Megatron.

[15:30] And they're like...

[15:31] What else do preachers say?

[15:33] They're like, hey kids,

[15:34] I know you like that cool rap music and your heavy metal.

[15:38] Let me tell you about a cool dude

[15:39] who was really heavy metal.

[15:41] Are you telling me about Bill Hicks?

[15:42] His name was Optimus Prime, but Bill Hicks.

[15:47] That's what Preacher always tells me about,

[15:48] Bill Hicks and, I don't know, some kind of Irish bullshit.

[15:52] The world of Preacher, the comic book,

[15:54] is a weird one in which the gods...

[15:56] There's this Mount Rushmore that is Bill Hicks,

[15:59] John Wayne, two people who would not like each other

[16:01] in real life, and yeah,

[16:03] just the idea of drinking and being Irish,

[16:06] and then guns.

[16:09] Yeah, I mean, guns are a part of it.

[16:11] There's a gun next to those other two heads.

[16:14] There's like a pint of Guinness, a gun.

[16:16] John Wayne and Bill Hicks.

[16:20] So anyway, they want this thing, the apple.

[16:22] It's a metal ball that's supposed to represent

[16:25] man's first free will, and the Templars want it

[16:29] so that they can, I guess, eradicate free will.

[16:31] It's like the anti-life equation is in there,

[16:34] and the Assassins want it.

[16:34] Their idea is that they can make people be good by force.

[16:39] They can eradicate violence

[16:41] by making people have no free will.

[16:44] Well, we're not at...

[16:45] The Templars don't want to eradicate violence.

[16:47] Well, the Templars want to keep everyone...

[16:50] They want everyone to be like, bow down to God.

[16:52] Yeah, I mean, they represent everybody,

[16:54] and if you remember Dennis Miller's show,

[16:57] ♪ Everybody wants to rule the world if they're Templars. ♪

[17:03] And also, Takamata and the Spanish Inquisition

[17:05] in this movie.

[17:06] I mean, I associate that song more with real genius,

[17:08] but that's fine.

[17:09] All right, just shows we grew up at different times,

[17:11] and I grew up with HBO, and you didn't.

[17:14] Although HBO did show real genius a lot.

[17:16] Anyway, we're like five minutes into the movie.

[17:20] The point is, he's supposed to find this metal apple

[17:24] because the Assassins believe that there is no truth

[17:28] and there are no rules, and man was meant to be free.

[17:31] They're like ultra-libertarians.

[17:33] Like, they're like college sophomore libertarians,

[17:36] and they believe they can kill anyone they want

[17:38] as long as it means freedom for everybody.

[17:40] Cut to 1986, and there's a young boy named Callum

[17:45] who tries to jump his bike off of a huge jump,

[17:49] fails, falls on some addresses.

[17:50] We know that he bears within him

[17:53] the DNA of ancient Assassins,

[17:55] because he's wearing a hoodie.

[17:57] Mm-hmm, and the hood is the symbol of good in this.

[17:59] They rhyme.

[18:00] Hood rhymes with good.

[18:02] Unlike the TV show, The Hood, which was not good.

[18:05] Or The Cape, which also wasn't that good.

[18:06] Oh, no, that was right.

[18:07] It was called The Cape, wasn't called The Hood.

[18:08] The Hood is a comic book.

[18:09] You can't spell good without hood.

[18:13] G-H-O-O-D.

[18:15] Good.

[18:16] I'm sorry, that show.

[18:17] The Owls of G'Hood.

[18:18] You're right, that show is called The Cape, not The Hood.

[18:20] And you can't spell The Cape without ape.

[18:24] If only there was an ape in that show,

[18:25] I think it would've made it better.

[18:26] I would've watched it.

[18:27] Instead, it had a villain named Chess for some reason.

[18:32] Because he loves Andrew Lloyd Webber's 80s work.

[18:35] Sure.

[18:36] So he returns home to find that his mother has been killed

[18:40] and his dad is wearing an Assassin's hood and has a knife.

[18:44] And it looks like his dad killed his mother

[18:46] and the police are arriving.

[18:47] It's a real sicario situation,

[18:49] because they're in Mexico and it's all dusty and sandy.

[18:51] And the kid's like, oh my God, he killed my mom.

[18:54] And his dad's like, I could explain to you what's going on,

[18:56] but fuck it, dude.

[18:58] I want you to bear a lifetime of anger toward me.

[19:01] I'll just say Live in the Shadows While Crazy by Patsy Cline.

[19:05] It's written by Willie Nelson,

[19:06] but performed by Patsy Cline.

[19:07] Plays on the radio.

[19:09] He runs away and the next thing, bam, it's 2016.

[19:13] And that boy, Callum, is now Michael Fassbender

[19:16] and he's in jail for murder.

[19:19] We find out later he killed a pimp.

[19:21] We never really find out why.

[19:22] We don't know that guy's story.

[19:23] But we know that even though he's dressed all in white

[19:26] in his prison scrubs,

[19:27] he loves drawing charcoal drawings

[19:29] of cool, tough priest guys.

[19:32] And it looks like he's one of many prisoners

[19:35] who is trying to get into the comic book business

[19:37] and practice his drawings so that he can be a pro someday.

[19:40] But he's on death row.

[19:40] He's gonna have to be a comic book pro

[19:42] from beyond the grave.

[19:45] Which I don't know if anyone's done it.

[19:46] Have any ghosts really made it in the comic book world?

[19:49] I mean, Casper.

[19:50] That's true, huge star.

[19:51] He's a big star in the comic book world.

[19:52] And it's crazy, there's ghosts everywhere.

[19:53] In cool world, wasn't Gabriel Byrne's character in jail?

[19:59] Uh, yes.

[20:00] I thought you were going to say, wasn't he a ghost?

[20:02] Was he a ghost at any point?

[20:04] If you saw a director's cut of Cool World...

[20:07] You're thinking of the sequel to Cool World, Ghost World,

[20:09] in which all the characters came back as ghosts.

[20:13] That's a really interesting interpretation of Ghost World.

[20:16] Hey, show me one thing in the text of that film that says that's not what happened.

[20:19] I'm imagining Elliot going to Ghost World and being so angry at it,

[20:22] like he's walking out throwing his hat on the ground.

[20:25] There were no ghosts in that movie!

[20:28] Unless they were all ghosts?

[20:31] Get me M. Night Shyamalan on the phone.

[20:33] Have I got a twist for you?

[20:35] You already made that movie?

[20:36] All right, never mind then. Hang up.

[20:39] And that was the story of the time Elliot called M. Night Shyamalan.

[20:43] I mean, I had his number. That's the hard thing.

[20:46] I looked up Night Shyamalan, M. in the phone book,

[20:49] and it was listed at the time.

[20:53] M. Night answers it.

[20:57] Who is this? Is this my pizza?

[21:00] Yep. Like, I'm calling you from beyond the grave, dude.

[21:03] I'm a ghost pizza.

[21:05] I'm like, Mr. Night Shyamalan.

[21:07] It says, please, Mr. Night Shyamalan lives in Florida.

[21:09] Call me M.

[21:11] And I have a mission for you, Bond.

[21:17] Anyway, Michael Fassbender's on death row,

[21:20] and they give him lethal injection, but then he wakes up.

[21:23] It wasn't so lethal after all.

[21:25] And he's talking to Marianne Cotillard.

[21:28] That's right, Talia al Ghul herself.

[21:30] And she's telling him, everyone thinks you're dead,

[21:33] but now you're going to be part of a secret experiment.

[21:36] I'm trying to eradicate violence, which I believe is genetic,

[21:39] and you're violent, and everyone in your family is violent.

[21:42] We're going to hook you up to a machine called the Animus,

[21:45] which allows you to tap into the memories of your ancestors

[21:48] that are encoded in your DNA, which is crap.

[21:51] But at least it's like I can buy a certain amount of crap science in a movie

[21:54] if the movie's going to do something with it.

[21:57] And she also explains to him that the reason why he has lived a violent life

[22:01] is because violence is written into his DNA.

[22:04] All of his ancestors were assassins and killers.

[22:07] That's why he was on death row.

[22:10] And they believe if they can find the apple, they can use it to remove violence.

[22:14] Not a DVD of the movie The Apple.

[22:16] No, and not just an apple that she put in the fridge and wrote her name on,

[22:19] and somebody still ate it.

[22:21] Like wrote her name on the peel?

[22:23] Yeah, exactly.

[22:24] Wow. Okay.

[22:26] Do you peel your apples before you take a big old bite?

[22:29] No, I don't.

[22:30] You wash them at least, though, right?

[22:32] So you wash the marker off.

[22:34] There's some wax on there I've got to get off there.

[22:37] Yeah, I guess if it's a dry erase marker, you can get rid of the marker,

[22:41] but if it's a Sharpie, you're just eating that Sharpie.

[22:45] Yeah, I mean, I guess.

[22:46] I haven't practiced writing my name.

[22:48] Let's write our name on some apples right now and test it out.

[22:51] All right.

[22:52] You vamp for a minute while I go get apples.

[22:54] Let me describe for the audience what's happening right now.

[22:56] Now, Dan is pulling one apple out of his pocket,

[22:59] and Stuart has an apple out of his pocket.

[23:01] Because I don't know if the listeners know this,

[23:02] but you're essentially a Tom Sawyer and Huck fan,

[23:04] and you just walk around with apples all the time in case you need a snack

[23:07] when you're done whitewashing a fence or escaping with a slave on a raft.

[23:10] We stole them from an apple cart on the way over to the podcast.

[23:13] Yeah.

[23:14] Which was then smashed by a car that was chasing us.

[23:16] Wait, here's the angry owner of the apple cart.

[23:18] Oh, he's shaking his fist, and his mustache is bristling.

[23:22] He seems pretty unhappy, but now Dan is throwing him a $100 bill.

[23:26] Wow.

[23:27] This is his lucky day.

[23:28] Anyway, that's way more than he would get for those two apples normally.

[23:30] Now, anyway, Dan, $100 less, is writing his own name on the apple.

[23:35] T.

[23:36] Except he's really like when you see kids practicing their signatures,

[23:41] like he's really doing it up.

[23:43] It's a lot of curlicues, a lot of crosshatching.

[23:46] He's trying to make one of the letters look three-dimensional,

[23:48] and all the letters are kind of linked together like it's his graffiti tag.

[23:51] Well, it looks like he's writing a nickname in between Dan McCoy.

[23:54] Does that say The Sperminator?

[23:56] That's fucking weird.

[23:58] It's a lot to fit on one apple, and yet Dan is doing it

[24:00] because he's writing Sperminator in very little letters.

[24:02] And now Stuart, as he opens his beer, is carving his name into the apple,

[24:06] which defeats the purpose of the experiment.

[24:08] Now Dan has dropped his phone because, I guess,

[24:10] he couldn't hold the apple and the phone and the marker at the same time.

[24:13] This whole time he's been juggling an apple, a marker, and his phone,

[24:16] which is foolish of him because he doesn't need the phone.

[24:19] I guess it's in case there's like a UPC symbol on the apple

[24:22] and he wants to get the hidden app tricks that the apple orchard put in there.

[24:27] Dan, there's no hidden app tricks for this apple.

[24:29] I know apple and app have some of the same letters, but app is not short for apple.

[24:33] What about Apple the app?

[24:34] How does that fit in?

[24:36] So let's go one memory deeper here, guys.

[24:39] Do you guys ever, when you pick up a product—

[24:41] That's the end of the classic Apple bit.

[24:44] Are you incepting now, Stuart?

[24:45] Yeah, so we're going to go one more deeper.

[24:47] When you pick up a product that has some kind of a weird code that's like,

[24:50] scan this, do you ever pull out your phone and use your camera?

[24:53] No, never. I've never done that.

[24:55] You don't ever use your camera on it?

[24:56] I've never been so interested in what Rice Krispies has to tell me

[25:01] that I'm going to pull out my phone and bother to scan it and download their app.

[25:06] Yeah, if you scan something in the app, I'll be like,

[25:09] you've unlocked the mystery to Rice Krispies.

[25:12] This is why it's Snap, Crackles, Pops because they're filled with the souls of the damned.

[25:16] They've been screaming in pain as they drown in your milk.

[25:19] I didn't want to know this.

[25:21] Thanks for the app.

[25:24] So they want to find this apple, and they hook them into the Animus machine.

[25:28] Stuart, you need to find what the Animus machine looks like and how it operates.

[25:32] Okay, the Animus machine looks like a long robot snake coming down from the ceiling,

[25:37] and it's got a little claw on the end, and it claws the back of Michael Fassbender.

[25:42] It's a little bit like a carnival claw game, except the only thing you can win is Michael Fassbender,

[25:46] but you do win every time.

[25:47] You get it every time.

[25:48] Sometimes he's wiggling all over the place, but that's okay.

[25:51] He's still Michael Fassbender.

[25:52] Or it ports into your neck like existence or something like that.

[25:55] Yeah, I mean it's a pretty trad cyberpunk idea of connecting to your brain

[26:00] by sticking something in the back of your head.

[26:02] Now, when he's in the Animus, does he just stand there still?

[26:05] No.

[26:06] Well, the first thing that happens is he launches up into the air.

[26:09] The first thing that happens is he takes his shirt off, so we see his sweet cut body.

[26:13] And you're like, now I get why I did this movie.

[26:15] He won the excuse to hit a trainer really hard, so he gets shredded.

[26:20] And so he first rises up into the air, and you see that body in its full glory.

[26:25] And when I say glory, I mean he's in a Jesus Christ pose.

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:30] He's got his arms out.

[26:31] He's got his wrist blades on because they had to put those on if he's going in the Animus.

[26:34] They have a collection of ancient weapons at this place because it's—

[26:39] well, let's describe the place he's in.

[26:40] It's like a maximum security Gattaca prison with a lot of guards.

[26:45] I think, Dan, were you the one talking about how expensive it must be?

[26:48] Yeah, I don't know who's funding this operation.

[26:50] And it's run by Marion Cotillard and her dad, Jeremy Irons,

[26:53] in a role that demands as much looking at things while scowling as one man can do in a film.

[26:58] It's a lot like the set of the facility in Cabin in the Woods or the—

[27:07] I don't know, like the island in The Island or, I don't know,

[27:11] like the place Harrison Bergeron would have to live.

[27:16] And, yeah, it's one of those places that doesn't look like a place actually humans would spend too much time.

[27:22] There is one room where the inmates get to hang out because Fast Food is not the only one that has plants in it,

[27:27] which doubles as their cafeteria and rec room, I guess.

[27:31] I want to say one thing about Jeremy Irons in this role.

[27:34] Not since Raymond Burr in Godzilla King of the Monsters, as an actor, felt so injected into a film—

[27:40] The man stared out so many windows.

[27:42] Oh, yeah, as a man stood and stared at things where you're like,

[27:45] did they even tell him what he's supposed to be looking at in this scene?

[27:48] He does have a few speaking lines.

[27:50] He interacts with Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, and he is clearly a dad who is close to the Templars.

[27:56] He meets a couple of times with the head of the Templars, who's a lady because the Templars are woke and progressive.

[28:01] Yeah.

[28:02] But Marion Cotillard, she's like, they're giving me the funding to eliminate violence.

[28:07] This is great.

[28:08] Anyway, so—

[28:09] And I'm going to do that with my magical science claw.

[28:12] And the magical science claw only works, as you mentioned, if they give him his weapons that his ancestor used.

[28:17] Yeah.

[28:18] So he has his wrist-mounted blades.

[28:19] So he rises up in the air, and then all of a sudden he is slowly taken back through the mists of time.

[28:27] You might call it a porthole of time.

[28:29] All the way to the memories of one of his ancestors.

[28:34] And then with the assistance of the claw that can lift him up in the air,

[28:39] he kind of like lives out and reenacts all the memories of his one specific ancestor.

[28:46] Aguilar.

[28:47] Aguilar, yeah.

[28:48] Who we met in the beginning of the movie.

[28:49] Now, he is essentially playing a virtual reality game in which he sees Aguilar's memories, and he acts out the movements.

[28:55] And it's a little bit like if you've ever seen someone using Oculus Rift,

[28:59] and you're just watching them react to things that you can't see, and it looks hilarious.

[29:03] I mean, they make it look like you, when you're wearing the Oculus Rift, what you think you look like.

[29:09] It's like you want to assume people think you look super cut and cool.

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:14] Occasionally there's like shadow monsters that you're punching.

[29:16] That's the other thing is that as the movie goes on, everyone else can see what he's seeing more and more.

[29:22] That's weird.

[29:23] It's something I don't remember if they ever fully explained.

[29:27] Also, Marion Cotillard says that he can't change the past.

[29:32] Should we go over this?

[29:33] Oh, no, yeah.

[29:34] He's just reliving memories.

[29:35] He's just there because they want to follow him to see where he took the apple.

[29:41] They want to find out where it went.

[29:43] But it's like the screenwriter's like—

[29:45] This is the easiest way to do it.

[29:47] Is to tap into his DNA memory and make him relive it.

[29:50] But the screenwriter's like, what's the least exciting way I could do this?

[29:53] What can I do that would remove my hero's agency entirely?

[29:57] I'll just have him be reliving a thing that already happened.

[30:00] but not be able to affect it all contrary to him

[30:02] well because he starts experience in what they call the bleeding effect

[30:06] were suddenly he's hallucinating and will are all over the place

[30:10] and i will are starts giving him the strength alliance all over the place

[30:14] in the like three rooms he's allowed to go into yet because for this entire

[30:17] monolithic uh...

[30:19] cell block enormous facility

[30:21] we really only see a couple of the rooms

[30:23] yet the annual our starts kinda

[30:25] teaching and that he's got the moves he's got the grooves he's got the power

[30:30] there's a great scene where he does a little like uh... little martial arts

[30:33] fight with the with the ghost of aguilar that's pretty cool right uh...

[30:37] i don't know but

[30:39] i mean how did either of them learn martial arts guys well aguilar grew up in

[30:43] in spain in the fifteenth century in the home of martial arts yeah and you gotta

[30:48] assume that cal picked up some tips in jail when he wasn't charcoal drawing

[30:51] now luckily for you guys i was here today so i could explain to you that the

[30:55] reason why he was able to learn those martial arts

[30:58] why he was the home of martial arts back then was because

[31:01] when marco polo returned from china in addition to the secrets of his getty

[31:05] he brought along the secrets of martial arts really that's amazing

[31:08] yeah yeah

[31:09] marco polo had jeffy from family circus along with him

[31:15] yeah he's like i'm i need a name

[31:17] why do you think it took him so long to get back to italy from china as they

[31:21] did such a crazy roundabout route

[31:23] with dotted lines following them and they had to stop in every yard in town before they

[31:27] got back to italy yeah and then uh... you have a queen of spain's like the

[31:32] chinese people really mad because they say somebody stole the stuff that he

[31:35] stole the stuff that he said

[31:37] not me

[31:39] i don't know

[31:40] and two mischievous ghosts went to hang out with the kid's grandpa in heaven

[31:45] to hang out with

[31:47] the kids from love is

[31:49] uh... okay i mean they're all naked i guess that's a... now is it creepy that the grandpa

[31:53] wait a minute is not me

[31:54] like actually a ghost

[31:57] it's i mean it's unclear based on the text whether they are actual ghosts or

[32:01] spirits or just meant to be

[32:03] personifications of the idea of escaping blame if if bill keen is

[32:08] and now bill keen's son who i guess does the strip now i think

[32:11] if they're having a bit of a laugh

[32:14] at kids

[32:15] or if the family circus

[32:16] characters do live in a world in which spirits affect

[32:19] physical material objects now again i'll mention their grandpa's angel is

[32:24] constantly looking down on them

[32:26] so we do live in a world where there is a kind of metaphysical supernatural

[32:29] reality no spirit realm but their grandpa existed right he wasn't

[32:35] the the idea of a grandpa given spiritual well we don't know that there

[32:38] wasn't and not me and and i didn't know that's what i'm trying to find out

[32:42] lived in the family circus's house were circus

[32:45] and uh... are now haunting them oh yeah so they were the family that lived in

[32:49] that home previously yeah i'd like to believe that the dead family circus

[32:53] they were his family murdered them okay married a new woman started a new family

[32:58] and i'm not me and i don't know what we've got a cause mischief so we can get

[33:01] a message across these kids to leave so that they are the next victims

[33:05] it's a real the stepdad there's something there's something about

[33:08] the dad from family circuses

[33:11] uh... those glasses he wears and the kind of effect

[33:15] that in like the blankness behind those glasses it's like uh... there's a

[33:18] factor of uh... my friend domer comic book

[33:23] and the way and also the way that the dad is always pretending to have

[33:27] seizures as a joke

[33:28] just like in my friend domer

[33:30] there's a lot of similarities between derf factor of material and bill keane's

[33:37] i think the dad is actually kind of supposed to be

[33:39] bill keane

[33:40] i'm not sure about that my dad married up though i mean we can all agree right

[33:44] so i think that's a super hot and in the nineties they changed your haircut

[33:49] and she looked even better

[33:50] it's a blondie dagwood situation look these it's a king and queen situation

[33:54] these hot women are stuck with these not attractive guys

[33:57] well dagwood can eat a fucking sandwich and take a nap

[34:00] i mean you're right he's every woman's dream

[34:03] you're right that's a bachelor situation

[34:05] you know blondie was just lucky to get his rose at the end

[34:10] i can only imagine the dates they would go on in dagwood's bachelor

[34:15] where it's like

[34:17] you all get to make the sloppiest tallest sandwich

[34:21] another sandwich one

[34:23] how i wish this was a comic strip podcast

[34:27] well then we could talk about how they're not all couples that are mismatched

[34:29] hy and lois

[34:31] they're so close together they could be brother and sister which brings me to my

[34:33] next theory that hy and lois are actually brother and sister

[34:37] now lois is beetle bailey's cousin right?

[34:41] i believe that's right cousin or sister i can't remember which one they're related

[34:44] well it wouldn't be sister because they'd be married

[34:46] as hy and lois are i guess it would make hy beetle bailey's cousin too if hy and lois

[34:50] are brother and sister

[34:51] now if they were strapped into the animus would they go

[34:56] back in time to like bc or croc or something

[35:00] uh... yeah probably they'd go back through

[35:02] wizard of id back through bc

[35:06] where does wizard of id fall in the time frame between bc and croc

[35:12] in between? in between yeah okay i guess when were wizards around? it's clearly like the

[35:17] middle ages there's knights and a king and a castle and a wizard

[35:21] although the king

[35:23] let's just face it

[35:25] he's a fink

[35:26] that's what i've been told i've been led to believe and that's the comic strip that as a kid

[35:30] i was like

[35:31] they had two punchlines

[35:33] the fink like that's it

[35:34] that's it okay

[35:36] uh... let me just say one thing about this

[35:39] it's like a comic strip for people who can't swear

[35:42] like oh fink

[35:43] finally finally someone's saying it

[35:46] now dan we gotta get back to the movie we've been distracted enough as our rulers would

[35:49] have us be by family bread and family circuses

[35:52] uh... so it's on to back to the film

[35:55] where

[35:56] to make a long story short

[35:58] uh... fast bender starts making friends with the other

[36:00] people at the prison who were also descended from assassins

[36:03] in his he goes through a bunch of action sequences

[36:07] in his memories the first of which

[36:09] they're on a stagecoach kind of thing with horses and they're going through all these

[36:13] valleys that you know

[36:14] an italian western was probably shot in at some point

[36:17] made me really wish i was watching any italian western

[36:20] because it would have been better than this there's a lot of fight scenes where an assassin is

[36:24] rushed by a templar dude

[36:28] and the templar dude does a big haymaker swing with his sword

[36:31] that's the assassin's turn to duck or block and then stab him a bunch

[36:35] the assassin's scenes almost

[36:37] always seem to end with him

[36:38] hanging off of something

[36:40] or about to jump off of something and

[36:42] one of the movie's tricks is

[36:44] the good guys can always the templars can always survive these enormous jumps off of

[36:48] like fifty foot towers

[36:50] because as soon as they're about to hit the ground michael fast bender wakes up out of

[36:53] his memory and then when he goes back into his next memory the templar is just fine

[36:57] and you're like wait what happened to the guy in the past

[37:00] how did he jump off the building and survive?

[37:03] yeah yeah so it's a whole wily coyote situation

[37:06] aguilar would like get flattened and hold up a sign that said like

[37:09] yikes or like ouch and then

[37:12] his body would pop up like an accordion and he'd walk off screen and black out

[37:15] he's fine

[37:18] problem solved i guess

[37:20] so in the real world

[37:22] he's kind of going along with this but they realize that he's not really giving

[37:27] himself into the project entirely

[37:29] so they can they reveal to him that they have his father who killed his mom

[37:33] now marion cotillard starts they become a little friendly her and fast bender but yeah they

[37:37] reveal that his dad is in there too

[37:40] and so they give him the opportunity to like

[37:44] get his revenge to as macaulay culkin did get even with dad

[37:48] exactly i think they say that to him they show him the movie to explain the

[37:52] reference because he hadn't seen it

[37:55] he somehow missed the blockbuster ted danson macaulay culkin vehicle

[38:00] the movie that finally brought together america's two favorite stars ted danson and macaulay

[38:03] culkin. ted danson was playing the dad right? yes and macaulay culkin played

[38:08] greg even

[38:09] thank you thank you for joining us

[38:12] we got the vhs tape out from my hometown library where one of the few tapes you can get

[38:17] now dan stewart

[38:19] let me ask you a question and maybe you can help me. i don't have a therapist but maybe you can be that

[38:23] i saw getting even with dad once when it came out

[38:27] on the same day i saw the lion king

[38:30] why do i still remember whole scenes of getting even with dad and yet there are

[38:35] events of my own life that my wife will tell me remember we did this and i'll be like

[38:39] i don't remember that i don't remember that vacation we took but if she said

[38:44] hey what did macaulay culkin do with the money that they stole in getting even with dad

[38:47] i'd be like

[38:48] he put it in the sports bag that he had then hung on the mannequin in the

[38:51] department store in the mall so that his dad couldn't find it but he'd know where it was

[38:55] i really wish i could... this movie i saw once on the same day i saw a much better movie

[39:00] i really would have loved to have been in your classics class when somebody was

[39:03] describing the story of Oedipus and you're like

[39:06] oh it's like getting even with dad

[39:10] i think that was topically his original title was getting even with dad

[39:14] that was a weird scene when macaulay culkin poked his own eyes out at the end of

[39:17] getting even with dad yeah it was uncalled for

[39:20] and he said ahhhhhh

[39:22] right his classic catchphrase

[39:25] his classic catchphrase

[39:28] he did the same hands on the cheeks thing but there was blood pouring out of his eyes

[39:33] so anyway back to assassins creed he meets up with his dad and they have kind of a

[39:38] heart to heart and his dad tells him like

[39:42] but basically tells him... his dad played by a star of many sword based movies

[39:46] brendan gleeson

[39:48] and the movie is really waiting a long time to reveal that brendan gleeson is in it

[39:52] an actor i like a lot

[39:53] he's really good

[39:55] uh...

[39:56] the problem with this movie is not the cast

[39:59] i mean you gotta

[40:00] This cast is stacked.

[40:02] Mm-hmm.

[40:03] I mean, we just watched Collateral Beauty a couple weeks ago, and that had, like, seven

[40:07] Academy Award nominees in it.

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:10] I mean, this movie is confident enough that they can have Michael K. Williams in it and

[40:14] barely give him anything to do.

[40:15] Yeah.

[40:16] Mm-hmm.

[40:17] And he says basically, is this when he tells him basically, look, your mom was an assassin

[40:21] too.

[40:22] Yes.

[40:23] And she wanted to die rather than be captured.

[40:24] So I did what she wanted.

[40:26] I could have killed myself.

[40:28] But I escaped to live another day instead of helping your mom escape.

[40:33] It's not really sure why he is wanting to just run.

[40:34] That's a weird choice, especially if she's also an assassin.

[40:37] Yeah.

[40:38] Unless, like, she, like, has been out of the game for a while and would slow him down.

[40:43] Possible, yeah.

[40:44] Also, he killed her, and then at no point did it look like he was planning on actually

[40:49] killing his son.

[40:50] No.

[40:52] he was like, well, I kind of wanted to kill her anyway.

[40:58] This is the chance to finally be a single dad living the Ed O'Neill in Dutch scenario

[41:04] that I've always wanted to be a part of.

[41:06] Now I know Ed O'Neill was not the kid's dad in Dutch.

[41:08] I think he was dating the kid's mom.

[41:09] I mean, by the end, he kind of is.

[41:10] By the end, he became a father figure.

[41:12] He introduced him to nudie playing cards, and I don't remember what else.

[41:15] I think the kid's dad was the guy who's like a bad guy in Adam Sandler movies.

[41:19] What's that actor's name?

[41:20] What, from Happy Gilmore?

[41:22] Yeah, I think so, yeah.

[41:24] And he's the, oh, what is his name?

[41:26] The guy who's the TV pitch man in, uh, what's the Darren Aronofsky movie where they're all

[41:32] on drugs?

[41:33] Requiem for a Dream?

[41:34] Yeah.

[41:35] And he played Ward Cleaver in the Leave it to Beaver movie?

[41:39] Mm-hmm.

[41:40] Damn, what's his name?

[41:41] I don't know.

[41:42] Good thing we don't have IMDB.

[41:43] I have, but mine's already open to Assassin's Creed.

[41:46] Anyway, the point is Callum decides, he keeps going back in these memories, and he sees

[41:51] his ancestors, he sees his ancestor finally defeat Takamata and get the leader of the

[41:58] Inquisition and get the apple back.

[42:01] And he decides that, you know what?

[42:04] He's not going to help these guys anymore, and starts being clear to Marion Cotillard

[42:08] that her dad, Jeremy Irons, was never really interested in her research, but just wanted

[42:13] to help it, use it to find the apples so the Templars could take over the world.

[42:17] And uh...

[42:18] Christopher McDonald.

[42:19] Christopher McDonald!

[42:20] Thank you.

[42:21] Christopher McDonald.

[42:22] Okay, go back.

[42:24] Thank you for finding that, it would have bothered me.

[42:26] You're welcome.

[42:27] Till the end of the world, um, long story short, uh, there's a revolt at this space

[42:35] jail, uh, where all the people in Texas, they're fighting powers?

[42:39] Yeah, the plan to find the descendants of assassins, a, which, I would think that assassin

[42:46] is a career that wouldn't leave a lot of time for raising a family, but I guess, uh, as

[42:52] luck would have it, these were very fertile assassins.

[42:57] And then...

[42:58] Much like Johnny Assassin Seed, who roamed America, having sex with women, leaving assassin

[43:03] babies behind.

[43:04] And the, so, for some reason, collecting all these violent people and then having them

[43:09] learn all the assassin abilities from their past lives was a bad idea.

[43:13] And be given their magic traditional weapons.

[43:16] So that's the thing, like, during this, this is a big action sequence, and this is also

[43:20] the moment where a lot of these, like, characters get to do a lot of cool jumps and flips and

[43:24] stuff.

[43:25] Now at the same time, there's a lot of smoke bombs going off, so it continues the movie's

[43:28] trend of action scenes that are very smoky and shadowy, so you can't really tell who's

[43:32] doing what.

[43:35] But, like, there's something about the fact that, clearly, they're so much better than

[43:40] the people they're fighting, and there's been nothing up to this point that feels like they're

[43:45] genuine, like, they feel like they're in jail, but they don't feel like they're, like, genuinely

[43:51] mistreated.

[43:52] It's not like when, like, the evil warden gets it in Shawshank Redemption.

[43:56] No, but their freedom has been taken away, you know, it's like, even a beautiful cage

[44:01] is still a cage.

[44:02] But, I mean, there's a way to do that and make a person feel that way.

[44:07] The movie does not really stress that much how, like, how bad they have it.

[44:12] Oh, no.

[44:13] I mean, it looks like what I, as a disturbed teenager, always imagined, like, going to

[44:17] a sanitarium might be, where it's like, oh, I just get to do whatever I want all day and

[44:21] I have no responsibilities.

[44:23] This is great.

[44:24] This seems fine to me.

[44:25] Mm-hmm.

[44:26] Luckily, I never followed through on that, on that idea.

[44:29] On that life path?

[44:31] I did not pretend to be crazy to get into a sanitarium, because that's a one-way ticket

[44:34] to getting suffocated by a big Native American before he throws a water fountain through

[44:38] a window.

[44:39] Mm-hmm.

[44:40] That's what happens if you pretend to be crazy to get into a sanitarium, right, Dan?

[44:43] You're really making it sound like the Native American was the problem in this equation.

[44:46] Not at all.

[44:48] Look, the problem was a non-crazy person trying to get in there and expecting to come out

[44:52] okay.

[44:53] Yeah.

[44:54] Oh, also, his brain got taken out before he got suffocated.

[44:56] That's right.

[44:57] Nurse Ratched took his brain.

[44:58] Hey, maybe that's more key to the...

[45:00] That nurse?

[45:01] She's totally ratchet.

[45:02] Yeah.

[45:03] Is that where that came from?

[45:06] Probably not, but maybe.

[45:08] I don't know where slang comes from.

[45:09] Who am I?

[45:10] Dr. Slang?

[45:11] Who is...

[45:12] Dan, is that a real Batman villain, because we established in an earlier episode I don't

[45:15] know the Batman villain.

[45:16] Is that a Dr. John parody?

[45:18] Or is it Dr. Scholl's parody?

[45:22] I would like...

[45:23] Dan, answer.

[45:24] Sure.

[45:25] There was a Dr. Slang back in the 70s.

[45:27] He was like, Batman, I think it would be really groovy if you died.

[45:33] The power of slang.

[45:34] He only commits slang-related crimes?

[45:36] That's right.

[45:37] How would that manifest?

[45:38] In Def Leppard's album, Slang.

[45:42] He would break into, whenever the Oxford English Dictionary was inducting a new word into the

[45:47] dictionary that year, he would break in and disrupt the ceremony.

[45:50] No, he'd steal it away.

[45:51] This should be slang.

[45:52] I want to keep my words away from the establishment.

[45:55] Then it stops being slang and becomes language.

[45:58] Yeah.

[45:59] Slanguage.

[46:00] Slanguage.

[46:01] I can go for a nice open face, hot slanguage.

[46:05] Anyway, while in this final fantasy, not the video game of the same name, this final memory,

[46:14] Fassbender does another one of these big jumps, and he jumps so hard that the machine breaks,

[46:20] and he's able to get out, and all the ghosts of the old assassins from his past start talking

[46:25] to him, including his mom, I guess, and they tell him, you're an assassin, there's no such

[46:30] thing as truth, yada, yada, yada, et cetera.

[46:33] All the assassins escape, and Jeremy Irons has already left because things are in a bad

[46:37] way there.

[46:38] Then we cut to the Templars are getting together for some kind of conference, and Jeremy Irons

[46:42] seems to be receiving an award of some kind.

[46:47] They figured out after Michael Fassbender went back through time that his ancient self

[46:55] had given Aguilar Christopher Columbus the magical Easter egg.

[47:02] We all pointed out that there were a lot easier ways to dispose of this Easter egg.

[47:07] They're on a boat.

[47:08] Just throw that thing overboard.

[47:09] Just give it to fucking Gwaihir and the eagles, dude.

[47:11] Yeah, or Tom Bombadil.

[47:13] Stick it in a fucking mall hole.

[47:17] Or just hit it with hammers until it breaks.

[47:20] Yeah.

[47:21] Like, they're never really- What a scene that would have been.

[47:28] He's like, keep this with you.

[47:30] Be buried with it.

[47:31] And then it cuts to the next day where he's on deck, and there's just some idiots smashing

[47:36] it with hammers.

[47:38] What a great movie this would have been.

[47:41] They're never really clear on how the apple works or what it really is.

[47:44] It's implied that some kind of advanced technology left by an even earlier civilization that

[47:50] destroyed itself or maybe by, as we mentioned, some kind of bionic transformer god.

[47:54] Yeah, the Gwawuld or something dropped it off.

[47:56] But instead, just burn it.

[47:57] Just get rid of it.

[47:58] Throw it in a volcano.

[48:01] Have an animal swallow it.

[48:02] Yeah, smell it.

[48:03] Doom is a volcano.

[48:04] I mean, at least in Lord of the Rings, they're like, we have to destroy this thing.

[48:12] It's not like this ring is incredibly evil, and it can destroy everything.

[48:17] So I guess hold on to it until you die, you know?

[48:20] Yeah, I mean, what he should have done was he should have written a shitload of clues

[48:23] and stuck them all over Washington, D.C. and hidden it somewhere.

[48:28] Yeah, sure.

[48:29] And we could learn about American history, and we'd go on an amazing mystery adventure.

[48:34] Exactly.

[48:35] Which, at that point, wasn't even history.

[48:36] It was American future.

[48:37] That's what would have been exciting.

[48:38] That's what's so amazing is he's like, hi.

[48:41] The great experiment's about to begin.

[48:46] The great emancipator laid his head here.

[48:49] Of course, Lincoln's home in Springfield, Illinois.

[48:52] I'll just wait for the United States to form and then Springfield to be founded and Lincoln

[48:56] to live there so I know which house was his.

[48:58] It's an unfortunate choice of imagery to have Christopher Columbus be the guy going

[49:03] to the New World bearing the apple of knowledge.

[49:07] Like, fuck off, dude.

[49:09] The idea that he is now that the avatar of liberty and freedom, I guess, and free thought

[49:15] and I assume what comes with it is people not being forced to live by belief systems

[49:20] they don't agree with is, yeah, Christopher Columbus, the devastator of native worlds,

[49:26] the harbinger of Catholic forced conversion, but anyway, that we might be reading more

[49:32] into history than Assassin's Creed really wants us to.

[49:36] Anyway, they go to this big employee of the month event that the Templars are throwing.

[49:43] The one that seems to not be staffed by anybody.

[49:46] There's no security.

[49:47] We're ticket takers anywhere.

[49:48] We're concessions.

[49:49] Yeah, that's a good point.

[49:50] Where are you going to get a hot pretzel?

[49:52] So the Assassins walk in in hoods.

[49:54] You want them cheese sticks because they're delicious.

[49:58] You got to have a couple different Dunkin' sauces.

[50:00] Maybe there's just good old-fashioned kettle corn, you know get a sack of that. Mm-hmm, and then you sweet and savory you gotta

[50:07] You gotta buy one of those light-up swords for the kids

[50:10] They see another kid waving it around and you're like that thing's gonna break. You're not even gonna want it tomorrow

[50:15] But I want it now fine. How much is it $35? Are you kidding me?

[50:20] They gotta make they gotta make a good profit on that shit

[50:24] Yeah, cuz they're out they're not already overcharging me on the tickets

[50:27] $10 kettle corn for five minutes of Jeremy Irons waving around some fucking metal

[50:34] Testicle you found your paperweight. That's it. Incense comes out of thanks, Jeremy

[50:39] Yeah, I paid for the ticket guy glad I bought a robe for this

[50:43] So he walks into this room full of Templars and there's all these moving spotlights on him

[50:48] and it looks for all the world like it's like ladies and gentlemen your

[50:53] 2017 Templar Jeremy

[51:02] You're supposed to wait till the music stops to get to that part Dan, can you give him a yellow card for that?

[51:09] There's my second one, I guess I'm gonna miss a game next week. Mm-hmm, unfortunately, but you still get orange slices

[51:15] Oh great, and I get to slap people's butts. Yeah orange slices the official snack of soccer for some reason

[51:22] So you're gonna say Stewart? I was gonna say

[51:26] You know when you're at medieval times and you can buy

[51:31] Didn't know

[51:34] So is this less about the movie watched and more about overpriced things

[51:38] Oh, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get there. It's gonna go all the way back around take us down the path my friends

[51:43] So look, I don't I don't know where our destination is, but I'm with you for the ride. Yeah. Yeah buckle up

[51:49] So when you're at a medieval times now not when you fall through a time portal into medieval times

[51:55] No, no medieval times restaurant and fake dungeon establishment. Yeah, okay, so your headwear options for purchase

[52:03] Your only real choice

[52:06] Unless now this is based almost exclusively on the Tournament of Kings in at the Excalibur in Las Vegas

[52:13] but your only headwear options are like our princesses hat or

[52:18] a Viking helmet and what I ask you is

[52:23] That isn't a Viking helmet isn't period-appropriate for medieval times. You have to assume that someone found one of those. I don't know

[52:30] it just

[52:34] Like somebody that works in medieval times or somebody in medieval times like it washed up on the beach

[52:41] Dragons tooth there was there was a normal average

[52:45] Like seaweed like moss collector who just scraping moss off an industry that was

[52:52] Decimated by industrialization. Oh sure because a machine could scrape that moss ten times faster. Yeah, he's

[52:59] Just shuffling along the rocks of the edge of the water

[53:02] me moss me moss

[53:03] Stuffing it into his filthy sack that he can give to his children later to just gorge on and one of these helmets

[53:10] Just kind of watch me sell some of it

[53:12] He's got to make some kind of a living to afford sacks to put

[53:16] Yeah, he's got a but he's got to have enough little bits of gold that so that he can buy more ashes and grime

[53:22] Yeah, he's need to be able to pay for his daughter's dowry

[53:28] Because the moss market is super saturated now and one of these Viking helmets just washes up and he's like

[53:34] What is this sniffs it takes it tries to chew on it doesn't know what it is

[53:38] And that thinks it's a god for a little while and worships it and then finally a night or maybe something kind of educated priest

[53:45] wanders through and identifies it as

[53:48] Belonging to the raiding people of the north. Oh to be a fly on the wall of that

[53:56] When they injured the temple of the helmet filled with moss people

[54:03] Priest priest father father proof that God wears a hat. No. No, my son. God does not wear hats

[54:11] God allows his flowing long male locks to to fall where they may and that is why

[54:18] The night comes because his hair covers the Sun

[54:22] What be the moon then the moon is dandruff and the stars are smaller dandruff in the hair of the Creator

[54:29] Allow me to see that helmet is tis a tis an idolatrous thing

[54:33] But you do here you are heathens now and you shall be burned. Yes. Thank you. Okay, so strangely for the outside observer

[54:39] It appears that the this moss farmers

[54:42] his

[54:46] Overreaching in terms of the knowledge he has

[54:50] But his his grasp of the language has increased ten times since finding out that he's a

[54:56] Has increased ten times since finding the helmet

[55:00] What it turns out is that the helmet does have magical properties because it belongs to of course

[55:06] Vocabulous the best spoken of the Vikings who had a Roman name for some reason

[55:12] All right, now vocabulous didn't really like all the violence that came with raiding

[55:16] He just wanted to write books and his longest book the Edda

[55:20] Is set down, you know the myths and legends of the Nordic people

[55:25] So Dan

[55:26] so the movie ends when

[55:28] Jeremy Irons gives his speech and he's like I found the Apple everybody and he starts opening it up and

[55:34] flipping their shit and they're going

[55:36] and

[55:37] You also kind of see not only are all the Templars wearing hoods like what the fuck dude, what's like who's the real hood? Yeah

[55:45] Now dog

[55:48] And and but I then then how you are except not Aguilar well dressed as Aguilar

[55:55] Yeah shows up and Marion Cotillard is horrified that her father

[56:00] Doesn't really care about any violence at all. He just wanted the Apple to take over the world

[56:03] Mm-hmm

[56:04] but then Cal shows up and

[56:06] He says to her like I'm gonna take care of this and then he uses the other power that Aguilar had which was the ability

[56:12] to suddenly

[56:14] Jump invisibly over large groups of people to end up where he needs to be

[56:22] If he was Nightcrawler, I'd be like, yeah, of course Banff and he's there a little smell of brimstone and he's and he's there

[56:28] But instead he just kind of shows up behind Jeremy Irons slashes during marriage throat and the Templars who up until this point

[56:34] We're just on the verge of ruling the world. Yeah scattered to the winds

[56:39] Without a much of a sense of urgency. There's a little bit like they're out

[56:45] The home team is losing

[56:50] People leaving a Broadway show

[56:52] Oh, that's the worst when people leave before the show is over

[56:56] yeah, and they're like the

[56:58] Broadway the actors are finishing the last song and some old asshole gets up and is like I guess Matilda's got magic powers

[57:06] Seen it I get it. Love conquers all I don't need to wait to leave this play

[57:10] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the farmer and the Calvin should be friends. I understand the idea

[57:15] Yeah, that's pretty much the idea. Yeah

[57:17] And then Hamilton did whatever lived a happy life forever. I don't need to see the rest of the play

[57:23] Dolly'll never go away again. I understand. There's a guy there's a doll. I get it problem solved. I'm out of here

[57:32] Anything goes in this new world. I understand what's happening

[57:35] The judge is gonna sit down Sweeney Todd's gonna give him a good shave and the story they're friends now

[57:40] I don't need to see the rest

[57:45] Is done

[57:48] Misunderstands, what's this a sword fight? I'm sure Hamlet's gonna win. He's the hero of the movie. It's in the day

[57:53] It's in the title of the movie. It's a play. I don't know. I gotta know

[57:56] What if there's been three hours of inaction?

[57:59] I'm sure they're gonna do

[58:01] I'm sure they're gonna arrest this con music man and throw him in jail where he belongs. Well, gotta go

[58:06] I'm late for something and this is Glen Gary and Glen Ross characters haven't even showed up yet

[58:12] Time for me to leave

[58:14] The salesman dies. It's in the title. I don't have to stick around gotta go

[58:20] I'll tell you this morning doesn't become Electra. I outie

[58:26] All right, I sat through so much of aunt Dan how much of lemon am I gonna have to sit through I'm out

[58:31] It's a Wallace Sean play

[58:33] Anyway, Marian Cotillard. She says I want I'm gonna get revenge. I get it. It's your town

[58:40] Not much to look at

[58:47] That's a trench in our town

[58:51] Marian Cotillard her father's been killed and she vows revenge cut to

[58:55] Cal is already halfway across the city perched on a building Batman style

[59:00] Just looking out at nothing and an eagle that we've seen

[59:03] Swooping by all the time because half this movie is shots of eagles swooping by over cities

[59:08] Swoops by and he is about to jump again off this tower when cut to black cue hip-hop

[59:14] I'm part of it's like I fucking get it dude. Batman's awesome

[59:19] Like Batman's fucking sweet

[59:21] Don't fucking constantly rip off Batman

[59:24] We have and don't don't do a Batman without what makes Batman cool like a fucking code of honor, right?

[59:30] That's what makes Batman cool, but assassins were so cool. But then as they don't have it

[59:33] I mean we just watched an Asriel movie basically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, except his his wrist blades are on the

[59:40] Bottom side of his wrist. Yeah. Yeah, they aren't like on fire

[59:44] What was that girls blades were kind of always on fire and he but he wore a hood

[59:48] That was one of the first Batman stories

[59:51] Templars or something. I think that was one of the first Batman stories

[59:54] I remember reading because I was a Marvel kid. Yeah, and that Asriel was like a

[1:00:00] very marvel style

[1:00:02] uh... dc care he was a real attempt at yet that kind of care it was

[1:00:06] i mean he was dc kind of trying to show you why those characters are not good

[1:00:10] yet why marvel's drools in dc rules which is not the case exactly the

[1:00:14] opposite

[1:00:15] but yet and i think we just watched a stealth pilot yeah as real movie series

[1:00:19] and i think they'll take an advantage of by that

[1:00:21] so is it time for a final judgment is time for a final judgment

[1:00:25] where we uh... say whether it was a good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie you

[1:00:29] kind of liked

[1:00:31] uh... final judgment stewart what do you have to say

[1:00:34] uh... you know i went into this hoping it was going to be a good goofball romp

[1:00:38] uh... i knew that the uh... yeah real sex farce

[1:00:42] a lot of slamming doors

[1:00:44] uh... but the only door that slammed was my enthusiasm for this movie because

[1:00:48] a lot of slamming moors

[1:00:50] uh... yeah i think there was social moors

[1:00:53] mores

[1:00:55] that was the sound of me putting down my glass

[1:00:58] in disgust

[1:01:00] yeah alright so social moors you mean s'mores

[1:01:05] and i would like

[1:01:06] i would not like s'more of that please

[1:01:08] anyway i'm sorry dan i'm getting a little too real uh... stewart

[1:01:11] uh... yeah so

[1:01:14] no this uh... this movie wasn't very good uh... i don't recommend it

[1:01:19] it's it's crazy

[1:01:21] uh... so if you want a movie that is

[1:01:23] crazy but takes itself very seriously

[1:01:26] you can watch this but i would not recommend it it's very slow and very

[1:01:33] like yet takes itself it's very hushed and it takes itself super seriously like

[1:01:38] we're really watching a battle between freedom and and slavery here

[1:01:41] with these these epic

[1:01:43] figures and we really gotta give we you know what

[1:01:46] we gotta treat this video game series with the respect it deserves but it's

[1:01:49] weird because i think they change all the names of people

[1:01:53] which makes one wonder

[1:01:56] i mean i guess the attraction of the series is the idea that you're going

[1:01:59] back in time to play an assassin but like

[1:02:02] characters are like if their names aren't important what's important

[1:02:06] what is important elliot i don't know i mean this movie was kind of the

[1:02:10] anti-usa and that characters were not welcome

[1:02:13] it was a bad bad movie i hated it

[1:02:17] the end

[1:02:25] i'm jesse i'm jordan

[1:02:27] and we've been doing jordan jesse go for almost ten years now and it's not gotten

[1:02:31] any easier to describe so we asked our fans to do it for us

[1:02:35] jordan jesse go is a weekly conversation with two best pals two

[1:02:39] hilarious friends hilarious smart kids talking about hilarious stuff that

[1:02:43] happens to them mostly really stupid stuff awkward anecdotes insane tangents

[1:02:49] heartfelt stuff it's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious conversation

[1:02:53] between you and your best pal it's a show that makes me laugh every week which

[1:02:56] is pretty rare and wonderful it might be the best thing on the internet one of the

[1:03:00] funniest things you will hear and it's the best part of my week and has kept me

[1:03:05] company for the past seven years through all sorts of life

[1:03:09] i love those guys

[1:03:10] it's jordan jesse go the comedy podcast that's been named best of itunes every

[1:03:15] monday on maximumfund.org or your favorite podcasting software

[1:03:18] i hug you and kiss you and love you

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[1:04:57] too minty

[1:04:59] but

[1:05:00] Stewart is shaking his head he will brook none of your buffoonery

[1:05:06] he will not sanction your buffoonery

[1:05:10] so

[1:05:12] blue apron is our other uh... sponsor tonight

[1:05:16] they are a for less than ten dollars per person per meal

[1:05:20] abandon that first sentence go on to the next one what are they dan?

[1:05:25] food delivery service i started talking before i knew what i was going to say and i

[1:05:29] decided no

[1:05:30] that's not the way to get into things

[1:05:33] their food delivery service for less than ten dollars per person per meal

[1:05:36] blue apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients

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[1:05:43] you cook it at home but they've already done the portions and they give you all the

[1:05:46] instructions so

[1:05:47] you don't have to worry about measuring anything my least favorite part of

[1:05:50] cooking and you know when you get food delivered

[1:05:53] and you ordered food for yourself but there's like three sets of chopsticks in

[1:05:57] there and you're like

[1:05:58] fuck you

[1:06:00] you don't have to feel that way because they've already portioned out your ingredients

[1:06:03] you don't have to throw away extra chopsticks

[1:06:06] finally

[1:06:07] yeah i actually give them a viking funeral when they come to my home

[1:06:11] and then the helmet washes up on the shore and the lowly moss collector finds it

[1:06:16] and the cycle begins anew

[1:06:20] it's good

[1:06:21] well blue apron so it's less than ten dollars per person per meal it's fresh

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[1:06:27] they've got lots of exciting dishes here's my favorite part

[1:06:30] let me give you some of those dishes

[1:06:32] okay lay it on me lay some dishes on me daddy-o this is dan's version of the

[1:06:36] zaggett sketch from saturday night live

[1:06:39] spinach and fresh mozzarella pizza with olives bell peppers and ricotta

[1:06:44] salata

[1:06:45] sounds good sweet and sour salmon with bok choy carrot and ginger fried rice

[1:06:51] parmesan crusted chicken with creamy fettuccine and roasted broccoli

[1:06:56] that sounds fantastic

[1:06:58] that's right up your alley it's alley that's right i would eat that right now

[1:07:01] hand it to me dan why are you holding back baby broccoli and fontina

[1:07:05] fontina paninis

[1:07:07] no no i like the way you said it

[1:07:11] with hard boiled egg and arugula salad

[1:07:14] makes that two hard boiled eggs and one duck egg

[1:07:16] duck soup no what night of the opera

[1:07:19] check out this week's menu

[1:07:20] and get your first three meals free with free shipping

[1:07:24] by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse blueapron.com slash

[1:07:28] flophouse blueapron.com slash flophouse

[1:07:31] three meals three free meals three and free rhymes so you know it's good

[1:07:37] so build it yourself beautiful

[1:07:39] that's an old slogan for a different sponsor

[1:07:45] you know i think the shoe fits

[1:07:47] it does not

[1:07:48] and it's an apron

[1:07:50] and you know what that apron says dan

[1:07:53] that blue apron says kiss the cook and you know who the cook is going to be you

[1:07:57] so kiss yourself

[1:07:58] you earned it go kiss yourself go kiss yourself

[1:08:02] find a mirror and just start kissing your own image yeah just get right in there and kiss yourself

[1:08:06] you know you want to haven't you ever wondered about it how good a kisser you are from the other side

[1:08:11] yeah just do it and you know what you're all alone do whatever you want get crazy

[1:08:14] no one needs to know

[1:08:16] yeah put some UB40 on the sound on the stereo on the sound track

[1:08:20] just follow your body wherever it leads follow your bliss

[1:08:24] straight to blueapron.com slash flophouse

[1:08:27] you look like you got something to say

[1:08:28] i got something to read off of the great jumbotron high above the flophouse

[1:08:35] oh my

[1:08:36] my eyes are blinded from the glory of the jumbotron

[1:08:41] uh... this uh... my eyes can make out some words i'm reading them now

[1:08:46] continue to narrate

[1:08:48] this message is for

[1:08:50] gina radcliffe

[1:08:52] the message is from some steve's slack pals and floppers

[1:08:59] says this

[1:09:01] hey kiddo

[1:09:02] here's a shout out to you

[1:09:04] a great writer and one of the best murder podcasters

[1:09:08] we are so lucky to have you as our internet friend

[1:09:11] you are smart

[1:09:12] funny and kind

[1:09:13] heart emoji

[1:09:15] oh yeah

[1:09:16] and patrick too

[1:09:19] there you have it

[1:09:20] i like how heartfelt so many of these jumbotron messages are

[1:09:22] in contrast to the assholery that we provide

[1:09:25] that we do and if i was sending jumbotron messages it would just be sick burns and trolling

[1:09:31] of people that i know

[1:09:32] and i'm gonna jump in here and say

[1:09:35] i know that gina radcliffe

[1:09:37] she deserves that heart emoji

[1:09:38] oh that's really nice

[1:09:40] dan i've got something to say

[1:09:43] i just wanted to remind people

[1:09:45] still on sale through our website

[1:09:48] is your comic book story

[1:09:50] cosmic bowl

[1:09:51] the first of the flopp house funny comic book stories

[1:09:54] oh dan is so enthusiastic about his work

[1:09:57] all proceeds go to

[1:09:59] the aclu

[1:10:00] we've already raised

[1:10:02] more than two thousand dollars to donate to them that's crazy and anymore it

[1:10:06] would be great

[1:10:06] and that's this time it's a needed organization as it always is

[1:10:10] now when i i i have assumed that we would barely be able to pay the

[1:10:14] hardest no but we were able to pay the artist and then more so so thanks to

[1:10:19] everyone who bought it read it hope you liked it

[1:10:21] and for new people please pick it up and get ready for more flop house comic

[1:10:25] stories and because it did well it means more is on the way

[1:10:28] i thought that what you're going to say what you're going to say was the other

[1:10:31] jumbotron

[1:10:33] the one i sent to you

[1:10:34] uh... when did you send it to me

[1:10:37] mhm well elliot's going to look for that

[1:10:39] dan let's vamp for a second

[1:10:41] vamping

[1:10:43] this is the part of the show this is the part where i'm going to say something

[1:10:46] since you've given me a jumbotron to read dan i'm going to say something heartfelt while you guys are

[1:10:50] goofing around i just want to say uh... once again

[1:10:54] uh... last episode and the episodes before we were doing the uh... max fund

[1:11:00] drive it's been a couple weeks but

[1:11:02] uh... we're just totally blown away at the uh... at the amount of new listeners

[1:11:08] uh... you guys are the main reason i was able to do this

[1:11:13] uh... it means a lot

[1:11:14] i missed dan's email

[1:11:15] because

[1:11:17] i don't like dan

[1:11:18] okay and i will have a filter that says send all dan emails into the trash

[1:11:23] yeah yeah not even to spam just straight to trash this one

[1:11:26] that's it okay

[1:11:28] so here's i do like dan that was just a joke

[1:11:31] let's not start any dan elliott feud things i only have feuds with a few people

[1:11:35] justin mccleroy

[1:11:36] and a couple of others

[1:11:38] anyway this is a message for addy and tiro

[1:11:41] and it's from emeline and the message goes as follows

[1:11:45] double happy birthday to my fantastic family and fellow flop house fans

[1:11:50] to my sister addy you are awesome and i wish the best for you this next year

[1:11:54] and to my nephew hiro i can't believe you are nine years old you rock

[1:11:58] lot of love

[1:11:59] from emeline

[1:12:02] that's very nice very sweet happy birthday to all and to all a good night

[1:12:07] we did it

[1:12:09] now what do we do on this podcast dan

[1:12:11] this is the part of the podcast where we read letters from listeners

[1:12:14] okay listeners

[1:12:16] like you

[1:12:17] like who?

[1:12:18] like you

[1:12:19] like me?

[1:12:20] like you

[1:12:21] like him?

[1:12:22] like him

[1:12:22] like them?

[1:12:23] like them

[1:12:24] there's a lot of great listeners out there

[1:12:27] like you and him

[1:12:29] and them and we

[1:12:30] and us and she

[1:12:32] and all the people at nbc i assume

[1:12:36] give us a show

[1:12:39] lots of listeners that write us letters they pour on in

[1:12:44] in big old sacks

[1:12:45] with lots of facts and questions for us to answer

[1:12:50] i'm sorry these people might have cancer but they didn't tell us that so

[1:12:56] i'm assuming they don't

[1:12:58] look it's a schrodinger's cat type of situation

[1:13:02] whether they do or not

[1:13:04] across this whole nation

[1:13:07] if you don't know that something bad's happening to someone then

[1:13:10] there's a fifty-fifty chance that it is

[1:13:13] you won't find out until they tell you

[1:13:16] it's possible they won't tell you till they smell you

[1:13:20] so bathe

[1:13:21] people will trust you more if you do

[1:13:24] this message is brought to you by the cleanliness council if you want to know

[1:13:27] if your friends are having a serious health problem

[1:13:29] bathe and they'll trust you more to keep it a secret if they smell clean on you

[1:13:33] that song really ended up

[1:13:35] far away from where it began

[1:13:37] yeah it was a real picker-esque journey

[1:13:39] through the dark heart of america

[1:13:44] this letter is from kata last name withheld

[1:13:47] and it goes

[1:13:50] i was wondering where you were going to go with that and you did not disappoint

[1:13:54] i was like there's no way that ellie can come up with anything for kata

[1:13:58] and i was proven wrong because of my love of bugs that sleep for seventeen

[1:14:03] years before they come out and make noise and then they leave these super

[1:14:06] dope shells that look like fucking gartham yeah they're really cool and i

[1:14:11] loved him as a kid i would collect them

[1:14:12] and then my mom would throw them out which she was right to do what was i

[1:14:15] going to do with them

[1:14:16] yeah snag on them

[1:14:20] kata writes i'm currently a law student in ottawa canada

[1:14:24] and after i finished my first year i decided to finally watch the much

[1:14:27] recommended film

[1:14:28] the paper chase did they say

[1:14:30] first year or year first

[1:14:33] uh... well she says first year i'm gonna say year first

[1:14:36] because they say grade one like grade nine or whatever instead of ninth grade

[1:14:41] go on yeah it's a crazy mirror world

[1:14:43] where up is down and left is right uh... pizza tastes like celery

[1:14:49] i decided to finally watch the much recommended film the paper chase

[1:14:53] although taking place in the seventies it is in many ways a very accurate

[1:14:56] representation of the stress

[1:14:58] and some of the let's say interesting people you may encounter at law school

[1:15:02] my question for you is

[1:15:04] is there any movie you think has a surprisingly accurate depiction of your

[1:15:07] respective fields or areas of interest

[1:15:09] thanks again kata last name with help

[1:15:12] uh... paper chase is a good movie

[1:15:16] there's

[1:15:17] there's a lot of like backstage kind of movies uh...

[1:15:21] and television shows but most of them about comedy have been pretty bad

[1:15:26] it's weird comically bad how many shows about the making of tv and movies

[1:15:33] in any way accurate about that process when the people making them you know

[1:15:37] know how that stuff works because it's their profession

[1:15:41] uh... maybe realism isn't their goal making an entertaining story is well

[1:15:45] they've usually fail on that account too

[1:15:47] i will say this is not a movie

[1:15:50] one show that

[1:15:51] was very accurate in the broad strokes of

[1:15:54] what it's like to write on a tv show was mad men

[1:15:57] even though it was not about a tv show

[1:15:59] there were a lot of things going on in that show where it was like

[1:16:01] oh this is what it feels like to be on the staff of a television show even

[1:16:04] though they're on the staff of an ad agency dynamics of like a creative

[1:16:08] uh... environment

[1:16:09] yeah exactly

[1:16:10] where there's a lot of tension and people want ownership over their work

[1:16:13] but can't

[1:16:14] totally have it

[1:16:15] yeah the uh... obviously i would say if you want to know about podcasters go

[1:16:20] watch tusk

[1:16:22] i haven't seen that movie i don't know

[1:16:27] but i'd say uh... the first movie that comes to mind from like bartending

[1:16:31] cocktail

[1:16:32] cocktail you know it's all about flipping them bottles

[1:16:36] uh... getting up dropping some uh... dropping some speeches on people not

[1:16:40] serving that many drinks so what songs do you have

[1:16:43] pre-choreographed dance routines that's the thing like i feel like people

[1:16:46] nowadays only like songs from the fifties

[1:16:50] uh... hippie shake i mean of course everybody fucking loves that they lap it up

[1:16:55] uh...

[1:16:57] like a report on all doggie dish so i think i think you know their knees and

[1:17:01] they'd love it up uh...

[1:17:03] but uh... guys

[1:17:05] for serious i was gonna say uh... the tom hardy movie the drop

[1:17:09] with james gandolfini

[1:17:11] uh... except for the inevitable violence stuff

[1:17:13] uh... a lot of it

[1:17:15] is the like mundane boringness of being in the neighborhood bar in brooklyn and

[1:17:20] i thought it was pretty cool

[1:17:22] but when you say dan uh...

[1:17:25] it's a movie that i gave a marginal recommendation to

[1:17:28] uh... before don't think twice of what he was always called the micro

[1:17:32] particular

[1:17:34] for bigly a film that would improv about improv yeah it's

[1:17:38] got its uh... weird

[1:17:41] parts to it

[1:17:42] the fact that they're all like super like super committed group that all it

[1:17:46] seems to live together

[1:17:48] doing improv was talking to ganglia market learning about that uh... max

[1:17:52] fund me up and he said he let you saw the movie like three times in the

[1:17:55] theater because it reminded him so much of his like improv experience

[1:18:00] and his experience auditioning for search for the pocket

[1:18:03] now i think i think it was pretty accurate terms

[1:18:06] but it's like to be

[1:18:07] a struggling

[1:18:09] uh... comedic uh... person in a city

[1:18:13] so i recommend that one

[1:18:16] uh... question

[1:18:18] uh... but to move on

[1:18:20] and genie last name withheld

[1:18:24] gene

[1:18:25] genie

[1:18:26] uh... i'd three-year-old

[1:18:31] highly never had a friend like this letter writer

[1:18:35] okay like this on the genie things in aladdin

[1:18:38] okay now is good as your cicada men all of our uh... let me i was kind of

[1:18:44] not given the opportunity to fully

[1:18:46] do what originally as given stuart room and he totally nailed it

[1:18:50] excellent jobs to you and i hope to do better

[1:18:54] genie writes hype beaches my husband and i are big fans of love the fund of the

[1:18:58] podcast brings into our lives

[1:19:00] some of our favorite parts when elliott and and stewart make fun of dan

[1:19:04] mispronouncing everything

[1:19:06] as we are especially guilty of that our own lives

[1:19:08] making fun of dan

[1:19:10] this is not a good quality possess and that were both features

[1:19:13] whether the unintentionally saying something offensive or just flat-out

[1:19:16] tripping over our own times it can be a nuisance

[1:19:19] we're both choir directors

[1:19:21] one of my most my more memorable moments was when i was rehearsing carol the

[1:19:25] bells of my high school choir

[1:19:27] and the last section of the tenor saying ding dong ding dong

[1:19:31] i turn to my tenor section is that it said very emphatically

[1:19:34] guys don't cut off the dog too soon

[1:19:37] uh...

[1:19:40] yeah that was for you stewart

[1:19:42] uh... uh... i don't know what i'm gonna do this uh...

[1:19:45] let me call my wife to her to clear off a shelf

[1:19:50] as a choir director the possibilities for this type of instance are endless

[1:19:55] as we've seen in funky waker beat anyway that's high school bands never mind the

[1:19:58] other day my husband

[1:20:00] Those were for rehearsing a Tarzan medley, I don't know what that would be.

[1:20:03] I'm gonna guess it's songs from the Disney movie Tarzan and not just different yells.

[1:20:10] Yeah, it's Tarzan boy.

[1:20:13] Rehearsing a Tarzan medley with a sixth grade choir.

[1:20:16] When telling them the synopsis of the movie he meant to say,

[1:20:19] and then Tarzan was raised by apes.

[1:20:21] Uh-oh.

[1:20:22] But very unfortunately he said to about 50 kids, and then Tarzan was raped by apes.

[1:20:28] Well, that took a good 10 minutes out of class.

[1:20:31] At least, I'm guessing.

[1:20:33] Yeah, the parent-teacher conferences immediately after.

[1:20:36] So now the disciplinary hearings have begun.

[1:20:39] Since all of you do a lot of speaking in front of crowds with your live shows,

[1:20:43] do you have any memorable moments where you've had a slip of the tongue?

[1:20:46] Or maybe at any point in your life? Dan, please limit to three.

[1:20:49] Love you guys and thanks for the laughs. Jeannie, last name withheld.

[1:20:53] In front of a crowd?

[1:20:55] Not necessarily.

[1:20:57] There are many times, I'm sure, when I've said words I didn't mean to say.

[1:21:01] The other night I was hosting a screening of In the Mouth of Madness,

[1:21:07] my favorite John Carpenter movie, at the Alamo Draft House in New York.

[1:21:10] It was great.

[1:21:11] And did you say, At the Mountains of Madness, and everyone was like,

[1:21:13] Oh my God, the lost masterpiece that was never made.

[1:21:16] The Guillermo del Toro classic that doesn't exist.

[1:21:19] And I meant to say overshot, and I think I said over shit.

[1:21:23] And the five-year-olds in the audience for the late night movie were flipping their wigs.

[1:21:28] He said a bad word.

[1:21:29] Anyway, show me the movie where the people turn into skinless horrors.

[1:21:33] I will say that, speaking since your husband accidentally misspoke

[1:21:38] and said that Tarzan was raped by apes,

[1:21:40] I did once do a live presentation at a show called Kevin Geeks Out,

[1:21:43] hosted by Kevin Warren, New York,

[1:21:46] the tradition in movies of people being raped by gorillas as comedy fodder,

[1:21:52] or the implied rape of people by gorillas,

[1:21:54] and how I don't think that's funny, and I think it's really terrible.

[1:21:57] And it was only as I was walking up to the stage,

[1:22:01] that I was about to give a presentation called Ape Rape,

[1:22:04] that it ran through my head, Wait a second.

[1:22:06] This might not work.

[1:22:07] I'm about to say the word rape a lot of times in this presentation.

[1:22:10] But it worked out pretty well.

[1:22:12] It was the right room for that presentation.

[1:22:14] But I know that the nervousness of saying that kind of thing in front of an audience,

[1:22:18] hoping they'll understand.

[1:22:19] And don't worry, in 2017, Dave Chappelle would go on to release a special

[1:22:23] that features the word rape a ton.

[1:22:25] Yeah, that doesn't really help me feel better about it.

[1:22:28] Now this isn't something I said,

[1:22:31] but I remember when I was in high school reading an issue of YM Magazine,

[1:22:36] and there's that segment.

[1:22:40] Because you were both young and modern.

[1:22:41] Yeah, exactly.

[1:22:42] When we were sitting around the library and our library carried it.

[1:22:46] And there was that.

[1:22:48] So were you also like a teen boy who found himself with his friends looking at YM Magazine

[1:22:53] to like learn something about girls?

[1:22:56] Kind of.

[1:22:57] I think it was I was hanging out.

[1:22:59] I got to sit at the library table with like the cool kid.

[1:23:06] I think I was hanging out with my friends Brian Baltzell

[1:23:09] and his friend Aaron Hughes who had older brothers.

[1:23:12] So, you know, of course he's cool.

[1:23:14] And so he was the one who picked up the YM Magazine.

[1:23:17] And in my head I'm like, that's not for me to look at.

[1:23:20] That's for girls.

[1:23:22] Obviously I have become a much more progressive human since then.

[1:23:25] Yeah, you read Cosmo all the time.

[1:23:26] But there was a I think it was in the Say Anything section,

[1:23:30] which is when people like write in and tell stories where they misspoke.

[1:23:33] And my favorite one was still where the young lady in the story was telling an instance

[1:23:39] where she was at a pharmacy and was trying to buy some candy.

[1:23:44] And the person at the counter was a handsome man.

[1:23:48] And when he asked her what she wanted, she said Reese's penis instead of Reese's pieces.

[1:23:54] Oh, boy, how embarrassing.

[1:23:56] Oh, the laughs I had in that library.

[1:23:59] Was his name Reese?

[1:24:01] That would make it doubly awkward.

[1:24:02] His name was Kyle Reese, Elliot.

[1:24:04] And he came here from the future.

[1:24:06] He came here from the future to save the future.

[1:24:09] To save the future because a Terminator is trying to kill John Connor.

[1:24:12] So he needed to get a job temporarily.

[1:24:14] Oh, yeah, to support himself for a little bit because he overshot and went back too far.

[1:24:18] And it was long before John Connor's mother was anywhere close to him.

[1:24:21] Well, you can't wear one trench coat all the time, Elliot.

[1:24:24] That's crazy.

[1:24:25] He had to buy multiple trench coats.

[1:24:27] I mean to buy any clothes.

[1:24:28] He came in from the future naked.

[1:24:30] He just walked into that 7-Eleven or whatever it was, nude, got the job because they needed someone badly.

[1:24:36] I mean I said pharmacy.

[1:24:38] I think that's a stretch to call it a 7-Eleven.

[1:24:41] I forgot.

[1:24:42] I knew it was a counter where candy is sold.

[1:24:44] Yeah, you're like, is it a 7-Eleven?

[1:24:46] Is it a soda jerk?

[1:24:48] So I walk into 7-Elevens all the time.

[1:24:49] I'm like, can you fill this prescription, please?

[1:24:51] He's like, sure.

[1:24:53] Is cheese okay?

[1:24:55] Luckily, it's a prescription I wrote myself.

[1:24:57] That just calls for big gulps.

[1:24:59] Okay, because I thought we were going to go on a bit where Steve Urkel shows up, brings prescription, and he gets a bill of cheese because he's Steve Urkel and he loves cheese.

[1:25:10] Okay, don't worry about it.

[1:25:11] We'll work on this.

[1:25:12] What medicine would Steve Urkel be getting?

[1:25:14] His Adderall or something like that?

[1:25:16] I'm assuming it's something like that.

[1:25:18] I assume there's some kind of Zoloft.

[1:25:20] Yeah, it's the only thing that allows him to focus when he's building robots of himself.

[1:25:23] Okay.

[1:25:24] Dan?

[1:25:25] His last letter is from Sarah last night withheld.

[1:25:28] He writes, help me find Kyle Reese.

[1:25:33] Help me settle a long-running argument.

[1:25:36] If FDR came back as a zombie, would his legs work?

[1:25:39] Thanks.

[1:25:40] You're the best, Sarah last night withheld.

[1:25:41] I'm going to say no.

[1:25:42] No?

[1:25:43] Those muscles were so atrophied in real life.

[1:25:46] I can only imagine that decomposition has done them a turn worse.

[1:25:50] If you've ever seen – really looked closely at pictures of him, especially pictures taken around times when he was swimming, they're not that many of them, but you see that his upper body was super built up because he had to rest almost all of his weight on his arms whenever he needed to move around, and his legs are very thin.

[1:26:08] They're atrophied, and so the idea that –

[1:26:10] He was like an English longbowman?

[1:26:12] In a way, kind of.

[1:26:15] And so the idea that this upper half could be supported by the lower half, I just don't buy it.

[1:26:20] So I'm going to say no.

[1:26:22] Elliot, with all due respect, you're an idiot.

[1:26:24] Explain, Dan.

[1:26:26] If the zombie can reanimate dead tissue, then of course he can reanimate his legs to a degree that he can –

[1:26:34] It's not that the legs need to be reanimated.

[1:26:37] You're just saying that he'd be crawling around because he can't support his upper body.

[1:26:42] Yes.

[1:26:43] His legs still might move, you're saying?

[1:26:45] I mean, I don't think they would move either.

[1:26:47] I think those –

[1:26:48] See, I think that that's where you run into trouble.

[1:26:50] Maybe I would accept that the legs would be so weak that he could only kick them around like a baby.

[1:26:57] And how is he animated? Is it magic? Did a necromancer rise him from the dead, or is this like a virus?

[1:27:03] Now, if this is some kind of space virus, there's no way.

[1:27:06] If this is some kind of music-based calypso like in Weekend at Bernie's 2, then maybe, yes.

[1:27:12] Except it would be whenever he heard calypso music and he'd dance away into the ocean.

[1:27:16] But if it's like space worms like in Night of the Creeps, it could lead to a situation where his legs do work,

[1:27:20] which is one of the more touching moments of Night of the Creeps,

[1:27:22] when he's hearing his friend talk about how he can walk again after not being able to walk.

[1:27:26] But they're not really zombies, are they, in Night of the Creeps?

[1:27:29] Their bodies have been taken over. They're not reanimated dead.

[1:27:32] I mean, there's a lot of dead flesh wandering around, and I think one's basically just a skeleton.

[1:27:38] That sounds like a zombie.

[1:27:40] That's a good point. That's a good point. I stand corrected.

[1:27:42] Dan, I still – here's the thing about zombie science.

[1:27:45] It's still pretty hypothetical because it's not real and doesn't exist.

[1:27:48] But I have to assume that the zombie is not –

[1:27:51] No matter how many Reddit boards – do they call them boards?

[1:27:54] Reddit boards for the Walking Dead television program you may post on, you don't know for sure.

[1:28:00] I've yet to see a zombie movie where the zombie is more powerful than the person was in real life,

[1:28:06] except for the power of being able to survive dismemberment and things like that when you wouldn't be able to in real life.

[1:28:13] Unless it has super – maybe because the zombies in like 28 Days Later move a lot faster than people would be able to move.

[1:28:20] I mean in the television program iZombie, she can acquire the traits of people's brains that she eats.

[1:28:27] Okay, interesting.

[1:28:29] She couldn't do that before when she was not a zombie.

[1:28:32] I'm assuming we actually – yeah, I guess you're right. I don't know for sure.

[1:28:35] Once again, we're getting into hypothetical territory.

[1:28:38] Anybody who eats a brain might get that ability.

[1:28:41] Yeah, you're totally right.

[1:28:42] And Rogue wouldn't even need to eat a brain.

[1:28:44] She'd just need to touch you, Suge, and she'd get all your memories and powers.

[1:28:48] Well, what if she ate a brain?

[1:28:50] I mean I don't know.

[1:28:52] Go fucking post that on a YouTube comment.

[1:28:56] What if Rogue ate a brain?

[1:28:58] And just see what happens.

[1:29:00] Throw that message in a bottle into the sea and see who picks it up.

[1:29:04] Just write hello on that dollar bill and buy someone with it and see where that message lands.

[1:29:10] I feel like that's a rock I don't want to just start kicking over.

[1:29:13] I think that's a good point.

[1:29:14] There might be a zombie underneath it.

[1:29:16] Dan, you look tired.

[1:29:18] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[1:29:19] What do we do now?

[1:29:20] You look like a tired little baby yawning his face open.

[1:29:22] My world is sapping my energy rapidly, so we should move on to the last segment,

[1:29:29] which is recommendations of movies that you've seen recently that you enjoyed or maybe not so recently that you enjoyed.

[1:29:36] I watched a movie that I taped off of.

[1:29:39] It better not be the same movie I'm going to recommend.

[1:29:42] I think it would be very surprising if it was.

[1:29:45] I taped this movie off of Turner Classic Movies on a whim based on the description and the cast.

[1:29:51] Hey, welcome to my world.

[1:29:52] That's what I do all the time.

[1:29:54] It was called Suddenly.

[1:29:56] Oh, with Frank Sinatra.

[1:29:57] Frank Sinatra and Sterling Hayden.

[1:29:59] Old Blue Eyes.

[1:30:00] Yeah, Sterling Hayden, old blue eyes.

[1:30:03] Sterling Hayden plays a small town sheriff.

[1:30:06] Is there any other kind?

[1:30:09] Well, good question.

[1:30:13] Or is it a good question?

[1:30:14] Now, come to think of it.

[1:30:15] Not really.

[1:30:16] He finds out that the president is

[1:30:21] going to make a stop in his town.

[1:30:23] He's going to get off the train in his town

[1:30:25] to go drive off to visit a adjoining town.

[1:30:31] And Frank Sinatra is in town to try and kill the president.

[1:30:37] He does a home invasion of a house up on the hill

[1:30:42] of the father of the woman that Sterling Hayden is kind

[1:30:47] of sweet on.

[1:30:49] And there's a hostage situation with Sterling Hayden

[1:30:53] and the mother and her young son and an old man.

[1:30:58] Sorry, I'm really fading now.

[1:31:01] And it's just a 75-minute long movie,

[1:31:06] so it keeps it pretty tight.

[1:31:09] And it's just fun to watch Frank Sinatra be,

[1:31:14] I assume, kind of what Frank Sinatra was like in real life,

[1:31:16] except for wanting to kill the president.

[1:31:18] Kind of an asshole.

[1:31:19] Yeah, a violent jerk.

[1:31:20] A violent jerk.

[1:31:22] But he's kind of electrifying in the role.

[1:31:25] And it's just a fun assassination thriller.

[1:31:31] It happened before JFK got assassinated.

[1:31:38] I wasn't able to find out whether this

[1:31:40] was true online or not, but there's

[1:31:42] talk that the movie was pulled because of the JFK

[1:31:46] assassination, and that's why it hasn't

[1:31:48] been seen that much since.

[1:31:49] But it's very good.

[1:31:51] It's a lot of fun.

[1:31:52] I think it was not that successful

[1:31:53] a movie when it came out.

[1:31:54] Yeah.

[1:31:55] I was part of it, too.

[1:31:56] Like, people say that about the Manchurian Candidate,

[1:31:58] like, oh, Sinatra pulled it after Kennedy was assassinated.

[1:32:01] But it was really, there was a right situation

[1:32:04] that made it very difficult for it to be re-released.

[1:32:07] Yeah.

[1:32:09] So that's a fun one, huh?

[1:32:11] Just like Assassin's Creed, you picked an assassin movie.

[1:32:14] Oh.

[1:32:15] I'm going to pick a movie that's not like that at all.

[1:32:19] Do they have wrist blades in that movie?

[1:32:22] No, they have an electrified gun.

[1:32:24] So what happens when Frank Sinatra uses his Animus machine

[1:32:27] to relive his past histories?

[1:32:29] Yeah.

[1:32:30] Yeah, what happens to him?

[1:32:32] Oh, the hijinks.

[1:32:34] Such hijinks.

[1:32:35] Just like Assassin's Creed, full of hijinks.

[1:32:39] This, on the movie I saw, is another movie

[1:32:41] by that master of Indian filmmaking, Satyajit Ray,

[1:32:45] who, Satyajit, I'm always pronouncing his name wrong,

[1:32:48] I'm sure, who I recommended his Apu movies not too long ago,

[1:32:51] I guess.

[1:32:52] This one, I only saw recently, and the Indian title

[1:32:56] is something like Jalsagar.

[1:32:58] But it means, or in English, it's the music room.

[1:33:01] And it is the story of the last member

[1:33:06] of an aristocratic family, or rather the last male

[1:33:10] scion of this aristocratic family that is deteriorating

[1:33:14] and does not have the money it once had.

[1:33:16] And he is addicted to two things.

[1:33:18] One, the respect that comes with being an aristocrat

[1:33:22] in this very old world style village he lives in,

[1:33:25] and live music played in his music room.

[1:33:28] And he is running through the family money and jewels

[1:33:30] and everything to keep hiring live musicians

[1:33:33] and putting on these shows.

[1:33:34] And as a result, he drives himself and his family

[1:33:37] into ruin, and yet he cannot seem

[1:33:38] to break the spell that the need for respect

[1:33:42] and the need for music have over him.

[1:33:44] And there's some amazing scenes of just like Indian music

[1:33:47] performers in the music room.

[1:33:49] And it's one of these movies where it's like,

[1:33:53] you know how it's gonna end once it starts.

[1:33:55] Like, it's not like the hero's gonna have a sudden epiphany

[1:33:57] and things are gonna turn out okay.

[1:34:00] But it was really good and really well done,

[1:34:02] and I found it really powerful.

[1:34:03] So, the music room.

[1:34:05] The music room.

[1:34:06] Okay, guys, you gotta hear me out.

[1:34:08] Okay.

[1:34:09] The movie I'm gonna recommend is a movie

[1:34:10] I think I've talked about on this podcast before.

[1:34:12] Okay.

[1:34:14] It's a movie called Critters 2.

[1:34:16] I wanna recommend Critters 2 to you guys.

[1:34:20] Now, is that the one where the bounty hunter

[1:34:26] is the playboy model and pulls a staple out of?

[1:34:30] Yes, that happens.

[1:34:32] So, Critters 2.

[1:34:33] Critters 2 is a perfect example of.

[1:34:35] Now, this is Critters 2, the main course.

[1:34:37] The main course.

[1:34:38] As Wikipedia tells me.

[1:34:39] Yep, of course.

[1:34:41] Critters 2 is a perfect example of a sequel

[1:34:44] that genuinely improves on the first film.

[1:34:48] The special effects are bigger and better.

[1:34:51] It's got some great practical effects.

[1:34:53] It's directed by Mick Garris.

[1:34:55] The script was written by.

[1:34:56] Stephen King's favorite director.

[1:34:57] This script was written by Mick Garris and David Twohy,

[1:35:01] who would go on to do Pitch Black and Below

[1:35:05] and The Chronicles of Riddick.

[1:35:08] So, we got some bona fides working on this movie.

[1:35:13] It also does feature an amazing performance

[1:35:15] from Elliot's favorite actor, Eddie Deason.

[1:35:19] Oh yeah, big fan.

[1:35:21] So, it's great.

[1:35:23] It's a lot of fun.

[1:35:23] It's got some great special effects.

[1:35:26] I totally recommend Critters 2.

[1:35:29] And I'm also gonna throw out another recommendation

[1:35:32] to a more recent movie

[1:35:35] that I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

[1:35:38] My wife and I watched Neighbors 2.

[1:35:42] The other day, which was a sequel to the Seth Rogen

[1:35:46] and who's that, Zac Efron comedy.

[1:35:50] But now they're working together, right?

[1:35:52] Yeah, and they're working in theory,

[1:35:56] or at least against a sorority

[1:35:58] that has started up next door.

[1:36:02] And it manages to be like, first off, for a studio comedy,

[1:36:06] it has way more laughs than you would expect.

[1:36:09] And it has a very feminist message to it,

[1:36:14] which I was not totally expecting it.

[1:36:17] Yeah, it's really great.

[1:36:18] Chloe Grace Moretz is great.

[1:36:20] Yeah, it's fun.

[1:36:22] All right.

[1:36:23] Three very similar movies.

[1:36:26] Yeah.

[1:36:27] You got The Music Room, you got Critters 2,

[1:36:29] and you got Suddenly.

[1:36:31] Yeah.

[1:36:32] Really spans the whole spectrum of human experience.

[1:36:35] Yep, whether it's presidential assassinations,

[1:36:40] the fall of a once great family, or Critters.

[1:36:43] The other night I was talking to somebody,

[1:36:45] and we were talking about Critters 2,

[1:36:46] and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking recommend that.

[1:36:48] And then I checked on the Flophouse Recommends wiki,

[1:36:50] which is lovingly maintained by a listener.

[1:36:53] And I pulled it up, and I saw that I had not recommended

[1:36:58] any of the Critters movies, and I was shocked.

[1:37:01] I think I almost dropped my phone.

[1:37:03] This is the injustice that must be corrected.

[1:37:04] Yeah, exactly.

[1:37:05] I had that moment of like, what has happened?

[1:37:07] But surely you've recommended

[1:37:09] Dull Man vs. the Demonic Toys, yes?

[1:37:10] At least once, right?

[1:37:13] How many of the Trancers films have you recommended?

[1:37:16] I don't know, maybe just one or two.

[1:37:18] At least Crossworlds, right?

[1:37:20] I'll have to check.

[1:37:21] Check.

[1:37:22] What about Trancer Cop?

[1:37:22] I don't think I've seen Trancer Cop yet.

[1:37:25] Okay.

[1:37:25] All right, well this is a conversation

[1:37:27] that could easily take place off air,

[1:37:28] so we should probably wrap it up.

[1:37:31] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:37:34] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:37:36] And I'm Elliot Kaelin, now and forever,

[1:37:39] at the Winter Garden.

[1:37:41] Good night, everyone.

[1:37:43] Yeah!

[1:37:54] Assassin's Creed, da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:37:56] Assassin's Creed, it's a creed for assassins.

[1:37:58] Can't spell creed without reed,

[1:38:00] meaning like a reed coming out of water.

[1:38:03] You know, or you use when you play clarinet,

[1:38:06] da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:38:08] So it could mean Assassin's Creed,

[1:38:10] and the C stands for clarinet.

[1:38:13] Or as jazzmen would call it, a liquorice stick.

[1:38:16] Clarinet.

[1:38:17] Never heard that before.

[1:38:19] I think that's funny.

[1:38:22] Maximumfun.org.

[1:38:24] Comedy and culture.

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[1:38:26] Listener supported.

[1:38:28] Hi everybody, I'm Justin McElroy.

[1:38:29] I'm Travis McElroy.

[1:38:31] I'm Griffin McElroy.

[1:38:32] And we host the first podcast ever made,

[1:38:34] My Brother, My Brother and Me.

[1:38:36] Every Monday we put out the first ever

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[1:38:45] So we invented the first jokes.

[1:38:47] So join us every Monday on Maximumfun.org.

[1:38:50] You'll never crack our code, Dan Brown, just try me.

[1:38:53] It's history in the making.

[1:38:54] And in the fake.

[1:38:55] And it's all yours for the taking.

[1:38:57] ♪ And good girls do you wanna just say that I wanna ♪

[1:39:02] ♪ Just say that I wanna ♪

Ep. #229 - Assassin's Creed

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