Ep. #242 - Rings LIVE!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we discuss Rings.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] The movie, not the things.

[0:06] And we're in Los Angeles.

[0:30] And there's no change to the original lineup, dude.

Jordan Morris

[0:42] All right, let's start the actual podcast now.

[0:44] Works nicely.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Beautiful intro.

[0:47] Michelangelo the Ninja Turtle has long been a member of the guys.

[0:51] Okay, let's start it up.

Jordan Morris

[0:53] Hey, everyone.

[0:54] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:55] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:56] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:57] And I'm Jordan Morris.

[0:59] Sorry, I was still doing my Stuart impression in the first syllable of that.

[1:02] I'm Jordan Morris, filling in for Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] Hi.

[1:05] And we are live at the Regent Theater in Los Angeles, California, USA.

Dan McCoy

[1:15] Now, we've already explained to the live audience,

[1:20] but we should explain to the people at home that Stuart cannot be here for this live show.

[1:23] Stuart, unfortunately, is lame.

[1:26] Yeah, well, literally.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] I mean, literally, he cannot walk.

[1:29] In a literal sense of lame.

[1:30] I shouldn't have.

[1:31] That's not a word I should have used.

[1:32] That's not fair.

[1:33] Stuart hurt his back.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] Through some combination of having a week back and playing eight hours straight of board games,

[1:42] he somehow hurt his back, and he could not be here with us tonight.

[1:46] But we have filling in the ever-capable, ever-also-white guy with brown hair, Jordan Morris.

[1:53] Woo!

[1:56] Now, you're a listener of the podcast, right?

[1:59] Yes.

Jordan Morris

[1:59] I'm a fan, so I feel like I've won a contest or something.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] It's like a real-life Judas Priest story right up here on stage.

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:09] Yeah, no, I mean, I actually...

[2:11] Can you explain that reference?

[2:13] For a while, Judas Priest was led by a front man who had previously been the front man of a Judas Priest tribute band.

[2:19] All right.

[2:20] Carry on, Jordan.

[2:22] They made, I believe, two albums together.

[2:24] Not their best.

[2:25] There's a few okay songs on there.

[2:27] And then it was primed for the glorious return of the man himself, Rob Halford.

[2:31] Oh, yeah!

[2:32] Let's listen to another one of Rob Halford's great hits.

[2:35] Play it.

[2:38] We were supposed to play You Got Another Thing Coming.

[2:40] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:42] Did not have the rights to that.

[2:43] Okay.

[2:44] Did not clear that.

[2:45] You've got to clear these bits with me beforehand.

[2:47] Yeah, I thought you had a magic music machine.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] Which would be a great kids show.

[2:52] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[2:53] Is this going to affect my interpretive dance to Hey Jude that's going to be in the second act?

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Yeah, so, you know, speedy recovery to Stuart, both for his benefit.

[3:06] Yeah, we want him to feel better.

[3:07] And for the listeners' benefit.

[3:08] Yeah, because they want to hear him, too.

[3:10] Yeah.

[3:11] But tonight, it's the scariest time of the year.

[3:15] Tax season.

[3:16] Am I right, everybody?

[3:18] Oh, boy, Ellie.

[3:19] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Come on.

[3:22] Oh.

[3:23] All right.

[3:25] Guys, let's wrap.

[3:26] Let's be honest about a few things.

[3:28] The government is taking things from us that belong to us.

[3:32] And it's time for us to stand up.

[3:34] Hey, everybody.

[3:35] I want to talk about an organization that's gotten kind of a bad rap in the news these days.

[3:39] It's called People Who Hate Other People for America.

[3:43] Now, hatred's gotten a bad rap.

[3:46] But you know what comes out of hatred?

[3:48] What comes out of hatred, Dan?

[3:49] Give me a positive thing that I can spin.

[3:51] What comes out of hatred?

[3:52] Yeah.

[3:53] You know what comes out of hatred?

[3:55] The song You're So Vain.

[3:57] Everybody loves it.

[4:00] Thank you.

[4:00] I'll sit down now.

[4:03] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Oh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[4:10] To return to my original thought, though, this is the time of year where we watch scary movies.

[4:16] Oh, yeah.

[4:17] It's Shocktober.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:19] And so, tonight, we watched a movie that was terrifying in its derivativeness.

[4:28] Rings.

[4:29] The third sequel.

[4:31] Well, the second sequel.

[4:31] The third movie in The Rings.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] Nice catch.

[4:33] I was going to jump all over you for that.

[4:36] If anything, like, Elliot, you've taught me to be a better man.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Oh.

[4:41] By being consistently mean to me.

[4:43] Yeah.

[4:44] So, I'm worried about whether you're going to attack me.

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] I'm like your own private Marines drill sergeant.

[4:49] Yeah.

[4:50] Now, rings.

[4:51] Let's just get one thing off the bat.

[4:53] We're not talking about the Lord of the Rings movies.

[4:55] That's different Rings movies.

[4:57] And we're not talking about Say Yes to the Ring, a wedding show that doesn't exist.

Jordan Morris

[5:03] Are we talking about what's on the base of my penis right now?

Elliott Kalan

[5:10] Dan, Dan, can I talk to you about ourselves, the two co-hosts?

[5:13] Let's wrap a little.

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:16] He's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] He's doing a great job.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] He's doing a fantastic job.

[5:20] But don't...

[5:21] Don't tell Stuart.

[5:22] Don't let him know that and don't let Stuart know that.

[5:24] Okay.

[5:24] Because I'm going to tear him down so I can build him up.

[5:26] All right.

[5:27] Now, we're talking about Rings, which is, what, the third in the ring...

[5:30] It's the third in the ring cycle.

[5:32] Wagner's classic works.

[5:35] Telling the story of the ring of the Nibelungen.

[5:37] Only...

[5:38] And the downfall of the Norse gods.

Jordan Morris

[5:40] Only at a live podcast do you get an applause break for a Wagner joke.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] A live podcast or the Metropolitan Opera?

Dan McCoy

[5:49] I think that if you had a Wagner joke at the Metropolitan Opera, the reaction you would get is...

[5:55] Very fair point.

[5:58] That's a good point.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Only one way to find out.

[6:00] To the opera, gentlemen.

[6:01] No one's ever done a comedy set at the opera.

[6:03] We'll be breaking new ground.

[6:07] After that, can we go to the races?

[6:09] Spend a whole day there and then we'll have a monkey business.

Dan McCoy

[6:12] And then we'll go to the circus where things will not be quite as funny because the circus is already a crazy place.

[6:18] So to unleash crazy people there is not a weird thing.

[6:20] Natural juxtaposition is not one that creates a lot of comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] But let's talk about rings.

[6:26] Okay, so we're all familiar with the main deal of the ring movies.

[6:30] There's a creepy videotape.

[6:32] You watch it and you're like, this is creepy.

[6:33] This is like a Nine Inch Nails video.

[6:35] And then you get a phone call.

[6:38] Ring, ring.

[6:39] Hello.

[6:39] And a voice says, seven days.

[6:42] Now, that means you have seven days left to live.

[6:44] But it could mean anything.

[6:46] The voice provides very little context.

[6:48] It's up to you to figure out what's going on.

[6:52] So that's the, then they made two other movies.

[6:54] It's a, what, originally, what, where was that movie from originally?

Dan McCoy

[6:59] The original one, yeah.

[7:01] It's a Japanese movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] And then where did the other ones come from?

[7:04] Gore Verbinski.

[7:05] Okay.

[7:07] Very true.

[7:08] So this is in the Gore Verbinski series.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] And should we just jump into the plot?

[7:11] Let's jump into the plot of Ring.

Elliott Kalan

[7:13] The movie starts in the most hilarious way possible.

[7:16] We're on a very turbulent plane.

[7:18] And this guy is really nervous.

[7:19] And this girl across the aisle is like, hey, what's wrong?

[7:21] It's okay.

[7:22] And he goes, he literally says, you ever hear about this videotape that kills you when you watch it?

[7:29] It's like, this movie is wasting no time.

[7:33] Allow me to exposition.

[7:35] He then tells her about it and gets a nosebleed.

[7:37] He runs to the bathroom and her friend shows up and says, what was that all about?

[7:40] And then she tells her friend, there's this video that kills you when you watch it.

[7:44] Also, why isn't she sitting next to her friend?

[7:48] I mean, I assume her friend either went to the bathroom or it's like one of those musical chairs planes where everyone keeps moving around.

[7:53] Oh, yeah.

[7:53] Musical chair air.

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:55] Musical chair air.

[7:56] You don't need a seat number.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Oh, so it's spirit.

Elliott Kalan

[8:01] Yeah.

[8:01] Or southwest.

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:04] And then the girl is like, her friend is like, wait, he said what?

[8:08] Both of them have seen this ring video.

[8:10] Suddenly, it's all bumpy and turbulency.

[8:13] The ring video, which again is a bunch of crazy surreal scenes, black and white, grainy, that end with a creepy girl coming out of a well.

Dan McCoy

[8:20] And the ring video starts appearing on people's seat back.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] On the radar screens, the cockpit on people's seat back.

Jordan Morris

[8:27] Everybody's just thinking to themselves, is this the weirdest episode of the Big Bang Theory ever?

Dan McCoy

[8:32] They're like, oh, I clicked on the version in flight, like the special stuff that they just make for the plane.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] I wanted to find out how they cleaned the plane.

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:43] I didn't need to see a creepy centipede crawling under a table.

[8:47] But it also, I like to believe that a thing came up that said, the following movie has been modified for your screen.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:53] And then starts playing through.

Jordan Morris

[8:54] They have three categories in version.

[8:56] They have new releases, they have music, and then they have omens.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:01] And if you accidentally select omen.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] Don't select that by accident.

[9:04] Because then someone behind you catches a glimpse of it.

[9:06] Now, they're going to die in seven days.

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:09] There's sludge and bugs suddenly everywhere in the plane.

[9:12] Hey, it kind of sounds like Spirit Airlines, huh?

[9:15] I mean, we kind of did a Spirit Airlines joke, but.

[9:18] Piggybacking off Dad's Spirit Air joke that was very popular.

[9:21] This is the Spirit House.

Jordan Morris

[9:24] All talking about Spirit Airlines.

[9:26] Oh, a ghost on the plane.

[9:28] More like Spirit.

[9:28] Okay, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[9:33] I gave, I gave Jordan, for the listeners at home, I gave Jordan a sly.

[9:37] Come on.

[9:38] Look.

[9:39] Like, come on, wise guy.

[9:41] Let's knock it off.

[9:41] We got a show to do.

[9:43] And then, star of the Ring movies, Samara, the Ring girl herself, climbs out of the screen,

[9:49] and suddenly, your screen, at home or in the movies, goes to static.

[9:52] And then, everyone's favorite, ever since the Bratz movie, everyone's favorite group of words that can come up on screen,

[10:00] two years later.

[10:01] Two years later.

[10:03] Oh, it's so sweet.

[10:05] Two years later.

[10:06] Which, why isn't two years later?

Dan McCoy

[10:09] It doesn't play into the, like, it could literally have just been, like, a week later.

[10:13] Yeah.

[10:13] And everything would have been exactly the same.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Two years is the perfect time, because it's long enough for everybody to forget that a plane crashed because of crazy ghost girls.

Jordan Morris

[10:20] And it's not so long that you're like, this tape would have deteriorated by now.

[10:26] Yeah, and I guess, I guess that, that brings me to one of my first pieces of confusion about the movie.

[10:30] Lay it on us.

[10:31] Is that, I know I have not, this was the first Ring movie I have ever seen.

[10:36] And it seems like you can die.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] It was an audible gasp in the crowd.

Jordan Morris

[10:40] Sorry, Ring heads.

[10:42] They're called Ringoes.

[10:44] They're.

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] They call themselves stars or Ringoes.

[10:47] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[10:50] So, it seems like you can die two ways in this movie.

[10:52] You can get ringed, or you can get final destinationed.

Elliott Kalan

[10:57] It's, well, we'll get to that.

[10:58] This movie, at a certain point, Samara must have seen one of the final destinations.

[11:01] Yeah.

[11:01] Or all of them.

[11:03] Yeah.

[11:03] Yeah, she's like, they look like they're having fun.

[11:06] It would save me a lot of well crawling out of time if I could just arrange for crazy accidents to kill people.

[11:13] The limits of her power are pretty blurry in this movie, and they only get blurrier.

[11:18] Two years later, it's a flea market of some kind, and this kind of punkish girl is looking at a VCR.

[11:23] And she seems to meet Johnny Galecki, but it's later established that they already know each other.

[11:29] But their conversation appears to be two people who have never met before.

[11:32] He's a collector.

[11:33] He loves old vintage VHS stuff.

[11:35] And he mentions, I heard all this VHS stuff came from the family of a guy who died in a plane crash.

[11:40] Because this movie, here's what I learned from this movie.

[11:43] People love telling each other urban legends all the time.

[11:46] If you know an urban legend about anything, anyone's going to want to hear it.

Jordan Morris

[11:51] Bystanders, your mom, I don't know.

[11:54] An interesting thing about the flea market is they're panning across the stuff, the VCR, and they show VHS tapes of both Jurassic Park and Alien.

[12:02] And I think that breaks a cardinal rule of filmmaking is don't remind people of good movies in your shitty movies.

[12:09] A lot of times when they do that in movies, it's like, this is a little bit of a challenge.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] We're going to beat these movies at their own game.

Jordan Morris

[12:15] But yeah, all I could think about from that point, I was like, oh, I wish I was watching Alien.

[12:18] Yeah.

[12:19] They should just show you, like, Sharknado and Demolition Man.

[12:23] It's like, yeah, it could be worse, right?

[12:26] Demolition Man holds up pretty well.

[12:30] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] We got some head heads out here.

[12:32] That's what Demolition Man fans call themselves.

Dan McCoy

[12:34] We got some seashell wipers in the crowd.

[12:37] Some fans of the least motivated nude scene ever.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] Oh, you mean when someone literally cold calls Sylvester Stallone nude and then goes, oh, wrong number.

[12:45] And then goes away.

[12:47] Oh, it's like, it's so funny.

[12:49] And then he has a look on his face like, oh, like, I don't even know that was going to happen in my movie.

[12:54] The future's not so bad.

[12:55] I guess people still have nude bodies under their clothes in the future.

[12:59] I thought you were all going to be a bunch of robo people.

[13:02] Time to eat some Taco Bell and get this seashell out of my ass.

[13:05] If you've seen Demolition Man, it all makes sense.

[13:09] So Johnny Galecki is a collector.

[13:11] Later, back at his apartment with this woman that until the moment you see her in his apartment you thought was a stranger.

[13:16] She leaves and he watches the tape.

[13:19] Classic.

[13:20] Gets the phone call.

[13:21] Says seven days.

[13:21] He goes, who is this?

[13:23] A CGI fly emerges from his joint.

[13:25] Not his elbow joint.

[13:26] Like, he's smoking a joint.

[13:27] And rain starts falling upward.

[13:30] Uh-oh.

[13:32] Rings.

[13:33] Title sequence.

[13:35] Now we cut to the next storyline.

[13:36] Because for a little bit, it's a little hard to tell who's the main character of this movie.

[13:39] Yeah.

[13:40] It's not the guy who died on the plane, I think.

[13:42] I thought it was Johnny Galecki, but then he disappears for a while.

[13:45] Maybe it's this girl, Julia, who's with her boyfriend, who proceeds to tell her the story of Orpheus.

[13:50] For no reason.

[13:51] But he's got that.

[13:52] One of the original urban legends.

[13:54] Yeah.

[13:55] Uh, I'd love to be a mythology professor and be like, you know, in a way, Greek myths were the original urban legends.

[14:00] Yeah.

[14:01] In that Athens was a city state.

[14:03] Yeah.

[14:03] And a legend is meant to explain a thing.

[14:12] As are myths.

[14:13] Hey, everybody.

[14:13] Turn my chair around.

[14:15] Let's talk about how Greek myths relate to our life.

[14:18] Now, for instance, one time I pissed off a god and he made it so everything I touched turned to gold.

Jordan Morris

[14:23] So then Zeus turns into a swan and says, you up?

Elliott Kalan

[14:32] I'm going to swipe right on that bull.

[14:34] That's a good way to explain the Lita story.

[14:35] Yeah.

[14:35] Okay.

[14:36] Now, I should mention, this is something that bothers me in movies that her boyfriend has, which is, this is the thing you've seen in a lot of movies, where a really attractive guy has one of those, like, every man, New York, Boston accents.

[14:48] That's supposed to make you feel like, oh, he's just a regular guy, even though he's got, like, a 13-pack and very strong eyebrows.

[14:56] But he's like, yeah, he goes all the way down to hell just to get his girl.

[15:01] Yeah, you know, it's, yeah, and it's like, stop it.

[15:04] Come on.

[15:06] You've got to make Greek myths relatable.

[15:07] I just don't like it.

[15:08] It's like an Anakin Skywalker as a grown-up voice, where it's like, hey, you're just going to make this guy down to Earth.

[15:15] We'll make it sound like he's from the Northeast.

Dan McCoy

[15:18] But anyway.

[15:19] I like that you're making fun of that voice, and not the fact that the main woman character is clearly foreign, but doing, like, an inexplicable accent through the entire thing.

Jordan Morris

[15:28] Yeah, she is, right, yeah, she definitely, I had to look up her country of origin, because I was like, I swear I was hearing some aboots.

Elliott Kalan

[15:37] Yeah, no, I thought it was Canadian, but it was.

Jordan Morris

[15:39] She's Italian, it turns out.

[15:41] And, yeah, like, it's, she hides it pretty well, but she'll be like.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] She hides it in that you don't know she's Italian, but you know she's not American.

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:47] It's like, we've got to get out of here, mamma mia.

[15:50] Yeah.

[15:50] And I'm like, oh, it's Italian.

[15:51] A few mamma mias escape out.

[15:53] Yeah, yeah.

[15:54] At one point, she's like, she's like, we've got to set the spirit free, manja, manja.

[15:59] Yeah.

[15:59] She's just walking around humming.

[16:04] That's from our Italian stereotype show, Three Slurs in a Fountain.

Jordan Morris

[16:10] Sylvester Stallone is walking out.

[16:12] Yeah.

[16:13] I can handle the Demolition Man shit, but this?

Elliott Kalan

[16:17] Only one person does Sylvester Stallone around here.

[16:20] Oh, okay, all right.

[16:23] Hey, guys, I just happened to be, and I couldn't help but hear you talking about my movie, Demolition

[16:29] Man.

[16:30] You are going to hate my letters song.

[16:35] Anyway, I should let you guys talk about rings.

[16:39] Maybe later we can talk about Copland.

[16:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:44] That was really supposed to be your serious acting debut.

[16:48] What happened to that?

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] Yeah, serious acting debut.

[16:50] Dan, I starred in a movie that won Best Picture.

[16:53] It's called Rocky.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] I'm sorry.

[16:56] I'm not familiar with that work.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] Well, we made like eight of them.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] It's about a guy who...

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] He's a flying squirrel, yeah.

[17:03] Okay.

[17:04] And he's living in Philadelphia, and he's like, why am I running up these stairs?

[17:08] I could be flying up, because I'm a flying squirrel.

[17:10] But here's what you don't know, Dan, and it comes out in the movie.

[17:13] Flying squirrels don't actually fly.

[17:15] No.

[17:15] They just glide on flaps of skin.

[17:18] Yeah.

[17:18] There's only one mammal that can actually fly.

[17:20] I'm sure you know what it is.

[17:23] I don't, actually.

[17:24] Here's a hint.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] There's a superhero based on one of them.

[17:30] We're just going to sit in silence, and it's going to be great audio.

[17:34] Great audio for a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Well, I was going to say a joke animal, but it's a bat, Dan.

[17:38] I'm just disappointed you didn't know a bat fly.

[17:41] Mammals.

[17:42] There's a Batman character.

[17:45] Again, I was going to say something silly, but I was so stupefied.

[17:51] By your inability to remember that bats exist.

[17:56] So, okay.

[17:57] Moving back onto rings.

[17:58] Elliot, take over.

[17:59] I'm going to go now.

[18:01] Jetpack.

Jordan Morris

[18:02] Okay.

[18:02] Maybe you're more of a booster gold fan over here.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] I guess you were too busy thinking about, yeah, I don't know, like a Dark Hawk or somebody.

[18:11] Yeah.

[18:12] I was thinking of a speedball.

[18:16] Not even an animal.

[18:18] So, okay.

[18:20] He's, he, now, this girl, Julia, her boyfriend, who we learn later is named Holt.

Jordan Morris

[18:26] Because I guess he's a cowboy or a gun, I don't know.

[18:29] He's.

[18:30] Right.

[18:30] It's like they were running through names.

[18:31] They're like, okay, we could call him Chunk or Punch or.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] Let's call him a Holt.

[18:37] Yeah, Holt.

[18:37] Let's call him something that could maybe pass as a last name.

[18:40] Yeah.

[18:40] But we've never heard as a first name.

[18:42] He's going to college.

[18:43] She says, he says something that it's good to you to stay behind and take care of your mom.

[18:46] We never find out what that means.

[18:48] Oh, yeah.

[18:49] Her mom never appears.

[18:51] And when she thinks her boyfriend is in trouble, she gets in a car, drive away.

[18:54] Clearly.

Jordan Morris

[18:55] Yeah, it's pretty, they have a pretty tearful goodbye when, but when shit hits the fan, she just drives up there.

Elliott Kalan

[19:01] He's not that far away.

[19:02] And he gives her his shirt to remember him by from his smell.

Jordan Morris

[19:05] You know what's something spooky is?

[19:08] He says, I'll see you on Columbus Day.

[19:10] First of all, it's spooky that she doesn't call it Indigenous Peoples Day.

[19:15] Very good point.

[19:16] Thank you.

[19:17] Very good point.

[19:17] Thank you.

[19:19] Lock her up.

[19:21] Whoa, whoa.

[19:22] I got whiplash from that.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] I thought you were going one way.

[19:26] Hold on.

[19:27] So you're like a social justice Bernie bro?

[19:29] Oh, I'm just on drugs, Elliot.

[19:33] Anyway, six weeks later.

[19:36] We got to get to, okay, say it.

[19:37] Then we got to get to the podcast.

[19:37] I'm just going to say, Columbus Day.

Jordan Morris

[19:39] What's the tomorrow on the eve of this podcast recording?

[19:44] Columbus Day.

[19:45] Ooh.

[19:46] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] Tomorrow on the eve of this podcast recording?

[19:49] Yeah.

[19:50] Yeah.

[19:51] Get him, Elliot.

[19:51] Get him.

[19:52] Eve.

[19:53] Yeah.

[19:54] Fuck me up.

[19:55] Jordan.

[19:56] Eve usually refers to the night before something happens.

[20:01] Yeah, you're right.

[20:01] The night after something happens is referred to as HBO's The Night After.

[20:06] Oh, no, wait.

[20:06] It's called The Night Of.

[20:07] I don't know.

[20:07] Whatever.

Jordan Morris

[20:07] It's called Boxing Day.

[20:09] Yeah.

[20:09] The night after is when Chris Hardwick talks about The Night Of.

Elliott Kalan

[20:14] He does every show.

[20:16] Every show.

Dan McCoy

[20:18] Yeah, we got to get through this thing, man.

[20:20] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] Yeah, we're like halfway through our allotted time for it, and we're like a tenth of the

[20:23] way into the movie.

[20:24] Six weeks later, video chat.

[20:25] We learn he's taking experimental biology.

[20:27] I do not believe it.

[20:28] And their call is interrupted by his strangely multi-ethnic bros, like a gang from an 80s

[20:35] movie.

[20:35] They hustle him away to have some fun.

[20:37] She's woken up that night by a dream that he's returned to have sensual relations with

[20:42] her, but suddenly there's too many hands everywhere, and one of them is a scary ghost hand.

[20:46] It's just a dream.

[20:48] She gets a Skype call from a frantic girl named Sky, who's saying, he's a dead man.

[20:53] There's no stopping her.

[20:54] Find him.

[20:55] Julia is like, what?

[20:56] She drives off, leaving voicemail after voicemail for Holt.

[20:59] Holt, who at this point is established he's not a character who lives in real life.

[21:03] His name is Holt.

[21:04] He has that accent, and his voicemail out-going message is, this is Holt.

[21:07] You know what to do, which nobody does that.

[21:09] Come on.

[21:11] People go through the motions of saying, leave a message, or I'm not here, or something

[21:14] like that.

[21:15] Holt's dorm is unlocked, and she finds phones with texts from Sky on it, but then the battery

[21:20] dies.

[21:21] Her interest is piqued by perhaps the least interesting-looking bulletin board in the history

[21:25] of Bolton boards.

[21:27] It does have an Afghan wigs poster on it, I noticed.

[21:30] Maybe that's what throws her off.

[21:30] She's like, he's not a fan of the Afghan wigs.

[21:34] But she does find a key on it.

[21:36] Uh-oh.

[21:37] Enter, return to the movie, Johnny Galecki, in the part of Gabriel, a super cool professor

[21:43] who's given a lecture about how consciousness can affect the material world, and the universe

[21:47] is affected by people watching it, but he mentions sex and drinking, so you know he's

Dan McCoy

[21:51] a cool pro.

[21:52] This is one of these movie lectures where the professor just seemed to be talking in

[21:56] vague, wide-ranging terms, and the class seems to last two minutes, and it's like, okay, well,

[22:03] next week I guess we'll talk about, I don't know, the world.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] It's very hard to understand what the lesson is about and what the class is.

[22:12] And I have to assume that the final exam is just like, the question is just like, bullshit

[22:16] a little bit.

Jordan Morris

[22:19] And then at the end, after he sends them out, he's like, all right, go get drunk.

[22:23] Yeah, yeah.

[22:24] Like, I'm wondering like how often he can do that.

[22:27] I bet he just has to, because if that's like the first class, I feel like he, in subsequent

[22:31] classes, he'll have to say like, all right, go shoot heroin.

[22:34] Yeah, he's got to heighten it.

[22:35] All right, everybody, go overdose.

[22:37] All right, guys, go thrill-kill a drifter.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] Yeah, and the students are like, there's one nerdy, I wish there was one nerdy student

[22:43] where he goes, okay, go off and get drunk.

[22:45] And the nerdy student is like, is that the assignment, sir?

[22:48] Like, will we be graded on our intoxication?

[22:52] Do I have to remain that drunk until we return to class?

[22:56] But that, unfortunately, the movie leaves that money on the table.

[23:00] Julie is there, and Galecki tells him he doesn't know Holt, she should just move on.

[23:03] Seems suspicious.

[23:04] She follows him to a secret floor of a building that needs a special elevator key.

[23:09] The key that she got from a building board, because there's a key on it.

Dan McCoy

[23:12] This is the moment at which, like, it really feels like you're playing a video game, and

[23:16] it's just like, use key on elevator.

[23:19] Like, the fact that she, like, picked up a key in the first place is like any number of

[23:25] role-playing games where you just come across the thing.

[23:27] It's like, well, there's a thing on a desk.

[23:29] Got to pick it up.

[23:29] Put it in my bag.

[23:30] It's going to come in useful somehow.

Jordan Morris

[23:32] There's another draft of the movie where she's just trying to shove his Afghan wigs

[23:36] poster into the keyhole.

Elliott Kalan

[23:37] It's not working.

[23:39] I picked the unusual thing.

[23:40] I should have put his Scissor Sisters poster in here.

[23:44] She finds on the seventh floor a video camera.

[23:47] I don't know why that's there.

[23:49] And an academic paper about Samara written by Galecki's character, Gabriel, which I guess

[23:54] is just left out on a desk in the hallway for someone to read while they're waiting to

[23:58] be let in.

[23:59] She walks into their special lab where she sees a wall of photos of victims of Samara.

[24:04] And you know, or people have watched the video and you know that because their faces are

[24:07] kind of distorted as if the camera doesn't quite work or there's water on the lens or something

[24:10] where it's through a, you know, a keyhole or something like that.

[24:14] And it's the style of the lab that she's in.

[24:16] It's kind of like a science lab slash the place that they hang out in in Hackers where

[24:20] there's like a lot of like loud music and couches and everyone's like a little too cool

[24:24] for school.

[24:26] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[24:26] It's like a really sexy AV club.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] Yeah.

[24:29] It's kind of like the way that in Flatliners and the old one, I haven't seen the new one

[24:32] because it's not out yet.

[24:33] In the old one, the operating theater that they're all learning in is dimly lit and there's

[24:37] tapestries on the walls everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[24:40] I'm sorry, George.

[24:41] When you say really sexy AV club, I feel like you're being redundant.

[24:48] I just, you know, I didn't want that to pass.

Jordan Morris

[24:54] It's really right.

[24:55] It's like when I said fuckable Renaissance fair.

[24:58] Exactly.

[24:58] 20% of the audience just went, hey.

Elliott Kalan

[25:05] On the wall of photos, one of them is Holt.

[25:07] And she overhears Sky talking to Gabriel about Holt.

[25:11] It's like, this is wrong what we're doing.

[25:12] You promised me a tale, blah, blah, blah.

[25:14] And there's countdown clocks for each of the characters.

[25:17] What does that mean?

[25:19] Then Julia runs into Sky in the parking garage and goes, hey, I'm looking for Holt.

[25:22] They go to Sky's dorm where Sky's painted a ring design on the ceiling.

[25:25] It's artsy, you know?

[25:27] And she, and Julia manages to text Holt from Sky's phone.

[25:31] And Holt says, don't watch, don't watch.

[25:33] And Julia locks herself in the bedroom as Sky sets the ring video up playing on her laptop.

[25:38] Uh-oh.

[25:39] Or does it play on its own?

[25:40] I don't remember.

[25:40] She smashes it, gets a nosebleed, and an alarm goes off.

[25:45] That's the amount of time that was allotted to her by the phone call.

[25:47] And she's not dead yet.

[25:48] And she's like, I won, bitch!

[25:50] That's what she yells.

[25:51] Channeling Freddy Krueger for a moment.

[25:54] But, even though she unplugs her TV, Samara shows up and scarifies her in such a way that

[25:59] she's frozen into a horrifying rictus that also looks like a pretty funny Halloween set

[26:05] dress decoration.

[26:06] Like you'd find it like an abracadabra store.

Dan McCoy

[26:10] You say that as if that's something I know about.

Elliott Kalan

[26:13] Dan, if ever anyone, I understand the audiences don't know abracadabra stores.

[26:18] If ever anyone is going to know it, it's you, a guy who loves magic and Halloween decorations

[26:23] and corny stuff like that.

Dan McCoy

[26:24] Yeah, that's true.

[26:26] And does it maybe have like a sideshow feel about it?

[26:29] Quite, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] And there's just a wall of costumes of sexy versions of things that are not very sexy.

[26:36] Can we go there right now?

[26:38] After the show.

[26:40] So Samara comes out and kills her.

Jordan Morris

[26:41] Dan's just hoping they have a sexy meter reader.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] Yeah, there's a song about it.

[26:46] Rita.

[26:47] Meter maid.

[26:48] He goes on a date with her.

[26:50] I haven't heard this song.

[26:51] Her sisters are there, so they don't really get that much going on.

[26:54] But there's a lot of heavy breathing in the song at one point.

[26:56] So you've got to assume that she has a dog that he pets.

[27:00] And that's just the dog panting.

[27:01] Now, Elliot.

[27:03] This better be about Rita meter maid, the song.

Dan McCoy

[27:06] No, no, no.

[27:07] Far be it from me to critique your synopsizing prowess.

[27:11] But you're synopsizing as if we are doing our normal two hour long.

[27:15] Oh, you're right.

[27:15] Okay.

[27:15] So anyway, here's what you need to know.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Well, I do want to mention that Julia finds Skye's body sitting in a chair, which means

[27:21] that Samara killed her and then set her up in the chair, which was very nice of her.

[27:25] Holt is there.

[27:26] And it turns out, let me just break it down to you.

[27:28] We don't need to go scene by scene on that.

[27:30] Gabriel is studying the ring phenomenon.

[27:32] And the way he does this is by having his students watch the video, then find somebody

[27:36] that they can show the video to to lift the curse off of them.

[27:39] And that's called a tail.

[27:40] But it's too late for Holt.

[27:42] The tail is too late.

[27:44] So while he's sleeping, Julia decides to sacrifice herself.

[27:48] And she watches the video.

[27:49] Uh-oh.

[27:50] Gets the death call.

[27:51] But she starts hallucinating.

[27:52] She's in a creepy dungeon.

[27:54] She goes for a door handle.

[27:55] It burns her hand.

[27:56] It's actually a phone.

[27:57] Uh, there's braille burned into her hand.

[27:59] We find out later.

[28:00] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[28:01] That'll be important later in the second movie that's in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[28:05] Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

[28:07] It's like, up until now, the movie has had kind of an interesting idea, which is like,

[28:11] let's take the ring and let's see what would happen if some scientists were like trying

[28:15] to science-ify this and like study the ring.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] Because there should be a scientific explanation for how a ghost girl can use a videotape to

[28:22] kill people in seven days.

Jordan Morris

[28:24] And I think it's a, it's a, you know, a critique on academia, like getting loose on this college

[28:29] campus.

[28:29] Yeah, yeah.

[28:30] Like, here's some college kids who really need a safe space.

[28:33] What I...

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] What I, what I wish is that I wish it was about...

[28:38] Lock her up.

[28:40] What?

[28:41] I wish it was about a technology company that was like, Samara's killing people in seven

[28:46] days.

[28:46] We believe we can cut that in half.

[28:49] We want to make the ring more efficient and we want to unlock those efficiencies.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] A ring subscription will cost $300.

[28:59] But yeah, this is the part of the movie where it gets into the second movie, which is basically

[29:03] just a rehash of the ring.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] Because, oh, except in that, when Julia sees the video, there's stuff in it that's never

[29:10] been in the video before.

[29:12] It appears Samara is talking directly to her through the video with clues of some kind.

[29:18] And are they going to try to solve those clues?

Dan McCoy

[29:21] You better believe it, Buster.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] Is that, was that my line?

[29:24] Did I deliver it correctly?

[29:25] Yes, you better believe it, Buster.

[29:26] That's what I've written down right here.

[29:29] So they go off.

[29:30] Johnny Galecki has to stay to talk to the police because I don't think they hired him for enough

[29:34] days to have him go to the rest of the movie, really.

[29:37] And yeah, it goes from the first movie, which is the idea of studying the ring and it's

[29:41] loose on a college campus, to the second movie, which is they're going to go to a small town

[29:45] and investigate the mystery of Samara, the girl from the ring.

[29:47] Now you may, if you've seen the first movie, The Ring, you're like, they solved that mystery.

[29:51] Yeah.

[29:52] She's a dead girl who got thrown down a well and now her ghost comes out and kills people.

[29:56] Hey, you ever think about the story of Samara's mom?

Dan McCoy

[30:01] And how is Vincent D'Onofrio involved in all this?

[30:05] I hope he does a extravagant performance.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] In some ways, it's actually pretty dialed down.

Dan McCoy

[30:11] It's a little restrained for Vincent D'Onofrio.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] Considering I once saw him in a play, that's right, it's time for Elliot Kalin's Famous People

[30:18] in Play The Room.

Dan McCoy

[30:18] It's everyone's favorite podcast within a podcast.

[30:21] Elliot Kalin, theater name dropper.

Elliott Kalan

[30:23] Now that you're in LA, your name drops will go from like, oh, I saw this person in a play

Jordan Morris

[30:36] to I saw this person at a CVS.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] Can't wait.

Jordan Morris

[30:41] And they were giving a very hammy performance.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] I saw Vincent D'Onofrio in a play and I was in the front row and there were times when

[30:48] I thought he would jump off the stage and murder me because he was so intense.

[30:52] He was like stamping the ground and breathing really hard and I was like, this man has been

[30:56] possessed by a rhinoceros.

[30:58] And this is the weirdest production of the music man I have ever seen.

Jordan Morris

[31:03] Adam Librarian!

Elliott Kalan

[31:09] So they go to this town.

[31:11] Julia's hallucinating things that are related to the video.

[31:13] She hallucinates a pregnant woman.

[31:15] What do you want to bet that's Samara's mom that she's seeing visions of?

[31:18] They go to the church where...

Dan McCoy

[31:20] Talk about a pregnancy from hell.

[31:22] Huh?

[31:23] Huh?

[31:25] A pregnancy from hell.

[31:27] I get it.

[31:28] Please stop.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] Please give me my personal space.

[31:30] Okay.

[31:33] This is where the movie...

Jordan Morris

[31:34] A pregnancy from hell.

[31:35] I'd rather fly on spirit airways.

Dan McCoy

[31:41] The listeners at home can't see the coy face he's making.

[31:44] The traditional I'm a bad little boy face.

[31:48] Dan, I also pooped in my pants.

[31:51] You're a very bad, very little boy.

[31:53] You're very committed to this character.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] A little stinker.

[32:00] Oh, no.

[32:01] Oh, is that a lollipop?

[32:02] Sorry.

[32:02] He was miming something.

[32:03] Anyway.

[32:05] They call me the anti-improv.

[32:07] I'm like, what is that you're doing?

[32:10] You're crazy.

[32:11] Here's where we start to realize that maybe Julia's not the best crime solver.

[32:15] Because they're like, we've got to find her body so we can burn it and set her free.

[32:18] It takes them a few steps to realize, maybe start at the cemetery.

[32:21] That's where the bodies go.

[32:23] They do manage to find an unmarked crip, or rather a demarked crip.

[32:27] The cross was removed.

[32:28] She gets stuck in it.

[32:29] She finds carved into the wall the words, she will find you, Julia.

[32:33] And there's a lot of hallucinations where she's getting pulled into a well.

[32:36] Luckily, they're saved by a man with a dog who takes them to Vincent D'Onofrio, the blind caretaker,

[32:41] who says, oh, so you're looking for the girl.

[32:44] It turns out D'Onofrio saw Samara's visions too and was blinded.

Jordan Morris

[32:47] That would be cool if he was like, I'm blind now, but while I could see,

[32:53] I fought a blind guy, and then it's fucking Daredevil.

Elliott Kalan

[32:58] Would that be so fucking cool?

[33:02] It would be very interesting for the ring to suddenly become part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

[33:06] Yes, yes!

[33:08] And then Stanley is like, I don't see what's so bad about this video.

[33:15] I don't know where along.

[33:16] The way they would do it is he would crawl out of the well first.

[33:20] Excelsior!

[33:21] It's so dirty down there.

[33:22] Enough said.

[33:23] Anyway, we'll move along faster.

[33:25] Okay.

[33:27] Gabriel comes to try to warn them about something, but in the most final destination-y thing of all,

[33:31] the road has been blocked.

[33:33] They can't leave town.

[33:34] Nobody seems to notice his overturned car with him in it until Julia just stumbles on it.

Jordan Morris

[33:39] Yeah, they have roped off the whole crime scene before they discover the other dead guy.

[33:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:44] And I want to be clear.

[33:46] Gabriel is coming because he has discovered that the burn on Julia's hand is Braille.

[33:52] Is Braille.

[33:53] Which you would think would come in to play with the blind man.

[33:57] Like the blind man would like touch her hand at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] My guess was that Samara would have somehow written in Braille the video on there.

[34:04] Yeah.

[34:04] And then when the blind man was like, what's this Braille?

[34:06] Ah!

[34:07] No centipedes!

[34:08] Ah!

[34:08] It says centipede, girl in a well, static, static, woman brushing hair and mirror, static.

[34:17] Girl gets out a well.

[34:18] Oh no!

[34:20] Which, what are the rules of the ring?

[34:22] If you had a flip book version of the ring, would that work?

Dan McCoy

[34:25] A flip book version?

[34:26] Yeah, sure.

[34:27] I think so.

[34:27] Of the video, I mean.

[34:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] Not of the movie.

[34:29] That would be a long flip book.

Dan McCoy

[34:31] Or one of those things with little slits.

Jordan Morris

[34:34] A zoetrope.

[34:35] A zoetrope, yeah.

[34:35] Yeah.

[34:36] Or just a podcast of Ira Glass explaining all the images to you.

[34:40] Tonight in four acts.

[34:43] Creepy stuff.

[34:45] Act one.

Elliott Kalan

[34:47] Everyone knows that the ring is a videotape, but what if it wasn't?

[34:53] Tonight in four acts.

[34:53] Production from my boss, Tori Malatia, who says, nail going into fingernail.

[34:59] So this is where he gets Final Destination-y because he's like dying and he's like, I got this

[35:03] thing to tell you.

[35:04] And then a telephone pole falls down and smashes into the car and a live wire electrocutes

[35:09] him.

[35:10] And it's like, did Samara do that?

[35:12] Or is the infrastructure bad in this town?

[35:15] Seems awfully coincidental.

[35:18] At this point, my notes say a movie really seems to be spinning its wheels.

[35:21] As the characters hang around the bed and breakfast, they're staying out for a while.

[35:25] They find themselves watching the video again.

[35:27] Just like, we're already dying.

[35:30] Why not?

[35:31] Bad Wi-Fi in the B&B.

Dan McCoy

[35:33] Yeah, they finished all of Kimmy Schmidt.

[35:35] So they're like, what do we got here?

[35:37] We got the video.

Elliott Kalan

[35:38] I've heard good things about BoJack, but I don't know if I'm really in the mood for it.

Dan McCoy

[35:42] Yeah.

[35:42] It seems like it's an exploration of depression.

[35:45] So I don't know if I really know.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] I'm already pretty sad because I'm going to die in a couple days.

[35:49] But it's also at this point that I'd completely lost track of the timelines.

[35:52] Like, do they have one day left or six days left?

[35:54] Yeah.

[35:55] But Julia breaks into the church at night to invest-a-migate.

[35:58] And meanwhile, her boyfriend goes to the much less dangerous route of going to the local diner

[36:03] and interviewing the proprietor of the bed and breakfast to ask her,

[36:06] there was that girl in the picture that my girlfriend's been hallucinating.

[36:09] Tell me what that is.

[36:11] Julia finds a trap door in the bottom of the church,

[36:14] finds a cell of some kind where someone was taken prisoner,

[36:18] and realizes this was where Samara's mom was being held while she was pregnant.

[36:22] Which is kind of like making this movie a kind of a dark Kimmy Schmidt.

[36:26] Yeah.

[36:27] I guess you're right.

[36:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:29] Dark Kimmy Schmidt is my favorite Marvel character from the 80s, by the way.

[36:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] They wanted to, like, grim and gritty of Kimmy Schmidt.

[36:36] Right.

Jordan Morris

[36:37] Just give her the Phoenix Force, and then...

[36:41] Thanks, bearded guy down front who...

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Honestly...

[36:45] Laughed a little too hard when I said Phoenix Force.

[36:47] Honestly, the Phoenix Force joke was going to be gotten by a bearded guy.

[36:50] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[36:51] Oh, I know.

[36:52] I'll see you after the show.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Anyway, Julia is one of those movie characters where she doesn't piece clues together so much

[36:58] as hallucinations pop in when she needs to to tell her what's going on.

[37:01] It's a video game.

[37:02] Like, cut scenes show up.

[37:03] When she finds certain clues, a cut scene will show up that just appears that...

[37:06] It just tells her what was going on.

[37:08] She finds out there was this priest that did it, that kept her hostage,

[37:14] and the priest went blind.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] Wait a minute.

[37:18] We know someone blind.

[37:19] That's right.

[37:20] That's right, we do.

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] We do know someone blind.

Jordan Morris

[37:23] Stevie Wonder.

[37:24] Stevie Wonder.

[37:26] Next stop.

[37:27] Who, it turns out, has never been blind at all.

[37:29] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] It was all a ruse.

[37:32] All a ruse.

[37:33] To get that sweet blind money?

[37:35] That's like a real conspiracy theory.

[37:38] Yeah, yeah.

[37:38] They're Stevie Wonder truthers.

[37:40] Yeah.

[37:41] What about Ray Charles, though?

[37:42] Are they Ray Charles truthers?

[37:44] Oh, have I confused my blind guys?

Dan McCoy

[37:46] No, I'm just wondering.

[37:47] No, there's still, like, there's...

[37:48] I've seen, like, a video that people post where it's like,

[37:51] Stevie Wonder catches something that's, like, falling over.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] That's because of his radar sense, and Stick taught him how to do that.

[37:57] Yes.

[37:58] Yeah, daredevil.

[38:00] Daredevil.

[38:01] Daredevil.

[38:02] On Netflix.

[38:03] Yeah.

[38:04] Also in comic books.

[38:07] Apparently.

[38:08] Anyway, Julia goes to the priest and is like,

[38:11] Hey...

[38:12] Or this ex...

[38:13] She doesn't know that Vincent D'Onofrio was the priest who kidnapped this woman.

[38:16] And she shows up and she's like,

[38:17] Hey, that woman that went missing, that was Samara's mom.

[38:21] And she kind of figures out what's going on when he starts attacking her.

[38:26] Yeah.

[38:27] And he gets out a bat and says,

[38:29] She didn't take my sight.

[38:30] I did.

[38:30] I had visions, too.

[38:31] I had visions of giving life to a child who had changed the world.

[38:35] And she did.

[38:36] And she's running away from him.

Dan McCoy

[38:38] Yeah, the movie turns into a really quick, like, five-minute version of the movie.

[38:42] Don't breathe for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[38:44] He turns out the lights and the house seems to be just as bright with the lights off.

[38:48] Which leads me, either she drove up to the house and did not turn her headlights off.

[38:52] Oh, that's no good.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] The battery's going to be drained later on.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Or, like, for a moment they were like,

[38:57] Originally we wanted this town to be above the Arctic Circle,

[39:00] so it's daytime all the time.

[39:02] And then we changed that in the script.

[39:04] It's fine that it's still light all the time everywhere, right?

[39:06] She's running around.

[39:08] He's running after her.

[39:08] He starts yelling,

[39:10] You're the 12th person who tried to help Samara,

[39:12] but I've stopped all of them.

[39:13] No one got this far before, though.

[39:14] And I should have just let...

[39:16] Evelyn, that's the pregnant woman.

[39:18] She wanted to kill Samara.

[39:18] I should have just let her.

[39:20] And Julia pushes him down a flight of stairs,

[39:22] and he is knocked out at the bottom of the flight.

[39:25] Dead, maybe.

[39:25] We don't know.

[39:26] She finds out...

Jordan Morris

[39:27] If I know horror movies, he is.

[39:31] There's no reason to check on him.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] She gets to a room full of birdcages.

[39:36] No, not the movie The Birdcage.

Dan McCoy

[39:39] That would have been delightful.

[39:41] Here's some more of my boyfriend's VHS tapes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] Sometimes you hurt me, Elliot.

[39:48] And she starts getting a nosebleed,

[39:49] which I guess tells me that either the seven days are up,

[39:52] or she's got allergies,

[39:53] and her nasal pastures are pretty dry.

[39:56] She finds there's a plastered-over part of the wall,

[39:58] and she breaks it open,

[39:59] and there's a skeleton inside.

[40:01] Samara's skeleton.

[40:02] Bum, bum, bum.

[40:03] Now, was I remembering correctly?

[40:05] I thought they found Samara's body

[40:06] at the end of the first Ring movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Yeah, I haven't seen it since it was in the theaters,

[40:13] but it certainly feels like they found Samara's body.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] I didn't see Ring 2.

[40:18] Did they put her body in, like, a local history museum,

[40:20] and then it got stolen in the middle of the night?

Dan McCoy

[40:23] They put it in a FedEx box

[40:25] and mailed it off at the end of the movie,

[40:26] and you're like, where did that go?

[40:27] It was actually in the original.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] Wait, and then Tom Hanks in Castaway picks it up?

Dan McCoy

[40:32] That's the end of the movie,

Jordan Morris

[40:33] when he delivers that one box.

[40:36] It's Samara's body.

[40:38] I don't know if you remember the advertising for this movie,

[40:40] but the tagline was,

[40:42] you thought they found her body.

[40:44] Don't worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] I feel like the tagline of the movie is,

[40:50] rings.

[40:51] Do you remember the first movies that well?

[40:52] Well, we don't either.

[40:56] Anyway, finds the body,

[40:57] but Holt walks into the house,

[40:59] but the priest isn't lying at the bottom of the stairs.

[41:00] Uh-oh.

[41:01] Hits him with a bat.

[41:03] D'Onofrio attacks her.

[41:04] He shouts a lot of random religious malarkey.

[41:07] Cicadas are swarming all over the house.

[41:09] Suddenly, Julia's phone starts playing the ring video,

[41:11] and Julia starts flashing back to the clues in the video,

[41:14] and it's like,

[41:14] yeah, I remember.

[41:15] I got it.

[41:15] I've been watching the movie.

[41:17] And Samara tells Julia,

[41:19] don't leave me,

[41:19] in her head, I guess.

[41:21] And Samara comes out of the phone,

[41:23] heals D'Onofrio's eyes,

[41:25] and kills him.

[41:26] And it's like,

[41:26] wait a minute.

[41:28] Hold on.

[41:29] This seems like a very new power for Samara to suddenly have.

Dan McCoy

[41:32] Yeah, it's like the end of Superman 2,

[41:34] when Superman takes the, like,

[41:35] Super S off his and just throws it at the guy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] Oh, when he kisses Lois Lane,

[41:38] and she's like,

[41:39] I don't remember anything anymore.

[41:41] Superman's just making,

[41:41] I mean, that's at least true of the Superman comics.

[41:44] We're in the old Superman comics.

[41:45] He'd be like,

[41:45] uh, I can always do this.

[41:46] And he does this,

[41:47] does the thing.

[41:48] Yeah.

[41:48] There's that one where,

[41:49] I guess it's called Superman's New Power,

[41:51] where he gains the power

[41:52] to shoot a miniature Superman out of his hand.

[41:55] And the miniature Superman has all of his powers

[41:58] and gets really popular.

[41:59] And Superman starts getting really sad

[42:01] that he's not as popular anymore.

[42:03] There's a little miniature Superman.

[42:04] And like,

[42:05] I don't remember that story ends.

[42:06] Maybe he eats the little Superman.

[42:08] I don't remember.

[42:11] But anyway,

[42:12] it's kind of like that.

[42:13] Yeah, I got nothing to add to that.

[42:14] No, it's like,

[42:15] what powers does Samara have?

[42:17] Come on.

[42:18] They burn Samara's body,

[42:19] and they say,

[42:20] you're free, Samara.

[42:21] And that's the end of the movie.

[42:22] It's a horror movie,

Dan McCoy

[42:23] so closure is what you get, right?

[42:25] No, what you get is the same twist

[42:27] from the first movie,

[42:27] where they're like,

[42:28] oh, you know,

[42:29] helping her out?

[42:30] No, that was a bad thing.

[42:31] That was a bad thing to do.

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] Because Holt,

[42:32] he gets Gabriel's message

[42:33] that it was Braille, finally.

[42:35] He looks up the mark

[42:36] on Julia's hand.

[42:37] He looks it up

[42:38] on a Braille translator

[42:39] that it takes him so long

[42:40] to type in.

[42:42] Julia has enough time

[42:42] to take a shower,

[42:44] peel some skin off

[42:45] of her hands,

[42:46] and then hock up

[42:47] a bunch of Samara's hair,

[42:48] which a bug crawls out of.

[42:51] And then it turns out

[42:52] the Braille means rebirth.

[42:54] Uh-oh.

[42:55] Suddenly,

[42:55] like some kind of

[42:56] Russian virus bot,

[42:58] it takes over

[42:59] all the contacts

[43:00] in Julia's email contacts,

[43:02] and is just emailing them

[43:03] all the ring video.

[43:04] And as anyone would

[43:06] when they get

[43:06] a suspicious video

[43:07] from someone they know,

[43:08] they watch it immediately.

[43:11] They just download,

[43:12] they don't say like,

[43:13] what is this?

[43:13] Did you send me this,

[43:14] or is this someone

[43:15] in Nigeria

[43:16] trying to get money from me?

[43:17] I don't understand.

[43:18] Did you get hacked?

[43:18] They all watch it,

[43:19] and they all write back stuff like,

[43:21] crazy video,

[43:21] what's that mean?

[43:22] Julia,

[43:22] what's this all about?

[43:23] Ill-gross.

[43:23] Like,

[43:24] everybody's at their computers,

[43:25] I guess maybe their phones.

[43:26] They are not doing anything

[43:27] that they cannot stop

[43:28] and immediately watch a video

[43:30] that's been emailed to them.

[43:31] They're all so close to Julia

[43:33] that they would,

[43:33] they're going to take the time

[43:34] to watch it.

[43:35] Yeah.

[43:35] I got to tell you,

[43:36] friends of mine,

[43:37] close friends,

[43:38] will email me things

[43:39] they've worked on,

[43:40] and it will take me

[43:41] forever to watch it.

Dan McCoy

[43:42] Or even if you start

[43:45] watching the video.

[43:45] I feel like if I started

[43:46] watching the video,

[43:47] I would start it,

[43:48] and I'd be like,

[43:48] oh,

[43:48] there's no cat in this,

[43:50] and I would stop it.

[43:52] I think maybe Samara

[43:52] started throwing in cats

[43:53] just to keep people's attention.

[43:54] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] just like a couple cute cats.

[43:55] I would literally,

[43:56] I would look at how long

[43:57] the video is,

[43:58] and I'd be like,

[43:58] hmm,

[43:59] 25 seconds,

[44:00] no thanks.

[44:01] Drag, drag, drag.

[44:02] Just drag, drag, drag.

[44:03] Get the gist of it.

[44:03] And Samara calls and is like,

[44:05] uh,

[44:05] four days?

[44:06] Because you watched it so fast.

[44:09] 20 years.

[44:10] Now they freed Samara

[44:11] because I guess her bones

[44:12] were holding her back,

[44:13] even though she seemed

[44:14] to have total control

[44:15] of time and space

[44:16] before this.

[44:16] Yeah.

[44:17] And she's free

[44:17] to attack the whole world,

[44:19] and Julia wipes

[44:20] the mirror of Steam

[44:22] and Samara's there.

[44:23] And it made me think,

[44:24] like,

[44:24] so did she become Samara now?

[44:26] I believe that's the implication.

[44:27] Like,

[44:27] this is kind of an evil version

[44:28] of the Santa Claus?

[44:30] Yeah.

[44:30] Where, like,

[44:31] she became Samara?

Jordan Morris

[44:33] This movie connects

[44:34] so many fictional universes.

[44:37] It's also in that,

[44:38] uh,

[44:38] St. Elsewhere universe.

[44:39] Yes, yeah, yeah.

[44:40] It's all happening

[44:40] in a kid's head.

[44:41] I'm so less scared

[44:42] of the ring

[44:42] knowing it's all

[44:43] inside that kid's head.

[44:44] Yeah.

[44:44] And, like,

[44:45] the ultimate evil in this

[44:47] is, like,

[44:48] a rickroll

[44:49] that killed you.

Elliott Kalan

[44:51] That would be,

[44:52] what if it ended with

[44:53] never gonna give you up

[44:54] at the end of it?

Jordan Morris

[44:55] Never gonna kill this guy.

[44:57] Never gonna say goodbye.

[44:59] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] No, good, well done.

[45:01] No, thanks.

[45:01] So,

[45:01] so it's almost like,

[45:04] when,

[45:04] going into this movie,

[45:05] I was like,

[45:05] it's probably,

[45:06] I'm probably gonna update it,

[45:07] and it's gonna be,

[45:08] like,

[45:08] the videos up on YouTube.

[45:09] That's,

[45:10] it,

[45:11] it's like,

[45:11] that doesn't kind of happen

[45:12] until the end of the movie.

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:14] The most obvious thing

[45:15] they could have done,

[45:16] but I guess at that point,

[45:17] you could have dealt with,

[45:18] actually,

[45:18] it would have been really great

[45:19] if you dealt with,

[45:20] the ring is released

[45:21] on the video,

[45:22] not the movie.

[45:23] Actually,

[45:23] the video's on,

[45:24] the movie's on YouTube.

[45:24] The ring is released

[45:25] on DVD.

[45:26] The ring is released

[45:26] on DVD.

[45:27] No,

[45:27] the,

[45:28] the,

[45:28] the Samara video

[45:29] is on YouTube,

[45:30] and people start,

[45:31] like,

[45:31] making memes

[45:32] and GIFs out of it.

[45:33] And it's like,

Dan McCoy

[45:35] And it just says

[45:36] fake and gay

[45:37] underneath it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:39] There's,

[45:40] there's,

[45:40] Samara's feelings

[45:41] are really hurt.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:43] She's like,

[45:43] I can't kill anybody.

[45:44] She's like,

[45:44] I'm a human being.

[45:46] This,

[45:47] I want,

[45:47] like,

[45:47] I want to see a still,

[45:48] like a freeze frame

[45:49] of Samara

[45:50] with her head cocked

[45:50] to the side,

[45:51] and in big block

[45:52] sand surf letters,

[45:53] it just says,

[45:53] like,

[45:54] please tell me

[45:54] about your problems.

[45:55] I'm very interested.

Jordan Morris

[45:57] When Bay says

[45:58] you only have

[45:59] seven days to live.

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] this could have been us,

[46:03] but you,

[46:04] whatever that is.

Jordan Morris

[46:06] Yeah,

[46:06] this could have been us,

[46:06] but you a ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] And then someone

[46:11] does the thing

[46:11] where,

[46:12] like,

[46:12] it pauses

[46:13] and then sunglasses

[46:14] animate down

[46:15] onto Samara's face.

[46:16] Joint goes in her mouth.

[46:17] Yeah,

[46:18] yeah,

[46:18] popcorn,

[46:19] all that stuff.

Dan McCoy

[46:20] Samara drinking tea,

[46:21] it's all great.

[46:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] I think,

[46:23] if that had been the movie,

[46:24] I would have been like,

[46:25] yes,

[46:25] rings.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] We should do

[46:28] our final judgments

[46:29] so we can actually

[46:30] get some time in

[46:31] to talk to the audience.

[46:32] To talk to the people.

[46:34] So,

[46:35] the Shocktober categories,

[46:37] this

[46:37] totally scarifying.

[46:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] Totally

[46:41] scarily bad good.

Jordan Morris

[46:43] Totally snorifying.

[46:45] Guys,

[46:45] as a fan of the show,

[46:46] or frighteningly funny.

[46:47] I think I speak for everyone

[46:49] when I say

[46:49] the Shocktober shit's confusing.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] It is to me, too.

[46:54] It is to me, too.

[46:56] I don't,

[46:56] I'm not always sure

[46:57] what the line is

[46:58] between snorifying

[46:59] and frighteningly funny.

[47:01] And what is it frightening

[47:02] about how funny it is?

[47:04] It's just alliterative,

[47:06] Elliot.

[47:08] I mean,

[47:08] you're a guy who,

[47:09] in the beginning,

[47:09] your presentation for you

[47:10] said that Clark Kent

[47:11] was an example

[47:12] of alliteration,

[47:13] and I don't know

[47:13] if that's technically true,

[47:15] Dan.

[47:15] That's the same sound

[47:16] from two different letters.

Dan McCoy

[47:19] It's the sound.

[47:20] It's not the letters.

[47:21] Sound is what makes

[47:22] alliteration.

[47:22] Fans,

[47:23] write in.

[47:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:25] Write in to,

[47:26] it's the letters,

[47:27] not the sounds.

[47:27] Care of the Flophouse,

[47:28] 123 Elliot's

[47:30] Wright Street,

[47:32] Dan's Wrong USA,

[47:33] 2400,000.

[47:34] Well,

[47:34] I understand

Dan McCoy

[47:35] the categories perfectly.

[47:37] So why don't you go first?

Elliott Kalan

[47:38] So I'm going to say

[47:39] this was totally snorifying.

[47:41] Okay.

[47:42] I'm going to go with you

[47:42] on snorifying

[47:43] because it was,

[47:44] it's,

[47:44] there were a lot of times

[47:45] when it felt like

[47:46] we were watching

[47:46] just like the direct-to-video

[47:47] version of The Ring.

[47:49] Yeah.

[47:50] But they kind of

[47:51] teased you in the beginning

[47:52] with like a crazy movie

[47:53] where college professors

[47:54] are having like a symposium

[47:56] on The Ring video.

[47:57] Yeah.

[47:57] Which would have been amazing.

[47:59] But Jordan,

[47:59] I think you might have

[48:00] had a different feeling.

Jordan Morris

[48:01] Yeah,

[48:01] no,

[48:01] I think I will go,

[48:02] I will go slightly snorifying.

[48:04] I think there are worse,

[48:05] there are worse movies

[48:06] to watch if

[48:07] a podcast host

[48:10] hurts himself

[48:11] and you have to

[48:11] fill in for him.

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:13] There are worse.

[48:14] We've all been there.

[48:14] In that very specific

[48:16] set of circumstances.

[48:17] Yeah,

[48:17] you guys can relate,

[48:18] huh?

[48:21] But yeah,

[48:21] there are worse movies.

[48:22] There are a couple,

[48:23] a couple of good scares,

[48:23] a couple of kind of

[48:24] cool eerie scenes.

[48:25] One of the good scares.

[48:26] I liked when she was,

[48:28] yep.

[48:28] No,

[48:28] no,

[48:28] say,

[48:28] and then I'll say

[48:29] my least favorite scare

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] in the whole movie.

[48:31] I thought it was pretty creepy

[48:32] when she was locked

[48:33] in the tomb.

[48:33] I think I,

[48:34] I,

[48:34] Okay,

[48:35] I'll give you that.

[48:35] That's a scary situation

[48:36] to be in.

[48:37] Yeah.

[48:37] Much like I felt

[48:38] when I was a kid

[48:38] watching Nickelodeon's

[48:39] Are You Afraid of the Dark?

[48:40] Sure.

[48:41] I said,

[48:41] this is not scary,

[48:42] but if it happened to me,

[48:43] I'd be pretty scared.

[48:44] Yeah.

[48:46] There's one thing

[48:46] that I think is supposed

[48:47] to be a jump scare,

[48:48] I'm not sure,

[48:49] where it's very quiet

[48:50] for a while.

[48:51] As they go to the church,

[48:52] they go,

[48:52] that church isn't a church anymore.

[48:54] And they walk in,

[48:54] I think there's an AA meeting

[48:55] going on,

[48:56] which is still a thing

[48:56] they do in churches.

[48:57] Yeah,

[48:57] yeah.

[48:58] Not very good evidence

[48:58] for not being a church anymore.

Jordan Morris

[48:59] I expected them to go,

[49:00] you know,

[49:00] it's not a church anymore,

[49:01] and they go in

[49:02] and it's an Arby's.

[49:05] I would.

[49:06] That is clearly not a church,

[49:08] but the AA meeting,

[49:08] right,

[49:09] it's still ambiguous.

[49:10] It's very quiet.

[49:11] Arby's is a kind of church.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] Yeah,

[49:13] it's a church of roast beef.

[49:14] Yeah.

[49:16] They go in,

[49:16] it's very quiet,

[49:17] and then suddenly hear,

[49:18] and it's the sound

[49:20] of an umbrella

[49:20] being opened outside.

[49:22] Yeah.

[49:22] And I was like,

[49:23] was that supposed

[49:24] to unnerve me?

[49:24] Like,

[49:25] that's the lamest jump scare.

[49:26] Like,

[49:26] no,

[49:26] it's an umbrella.

[49:28] It's raining out.

Dan McCoy

[49:31] Thank you,

[49:32] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[49:33] Isn't that scary?

[49:34] Ooh.

[49:36] Your hair's gonna get frizzy.

[49:39] You didn't bring a raincoat.

Dan McCoy

[49:41] Your shoes are suede.

[49:45] Ooh.

[49:47] You put suede protector on,

[49:50] but you properly sprayed it.

[49:53] This is a very specific ghost.

Jordan Morris

[49:56] Make sure to coat thoroughly

[49:58] next time.

[50:02] Judge John Hodgman

[50:03] ruled in my favor.

S4

[50:06] ruled in my friend's favor.

[50:08] ruled in my favor.

Dan McCoy

[50:10] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[50:12] You're hearing the voices

[50:13] of real litigants,

[50:14] real people

[50:15] who have submitted

[50:16] disputes to my

[50:17] internet court

Jordan Morris

[50:17] at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[50:19] I hear their cases.

[50:20] I ask them questions.

[50:22] They're good ones.

[50:23] And then I tell them

[50:23] who's right

[50:24] and who's wrong.

S5

[50:25] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling,

[50:27] my dad has been forced

[50:28] to retire

[50:29] one of the worst

[50:30] dad jokes

[50:30] of all time.

S4

[50:31] Instead of cutting

[50:32] his own hair

Jordan Morris

[50:33] with a flowbeat,

[50:34] my husband has his

[50:36] hair cut professionally.

[50:37] I have to join

[50:38] a community theater group.

[50:39] And my wife

[50:40] has stopped bringing

[50:41] home wild animals.

[50:42] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[50:45] Find it every Wednesday

[50:46] at MaximumFun.org

Dan McCoy

[50:47] or wherever you download podcasts.

Jordan Morris

[50:51] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

[50:58] Hey, you.

[50:59] With the headphones.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] Just between you and me,

[51:02] the MaxFun store

[51:02] just got some of that

[51:03] sweet, sweet new merchant stock.

[51:05] You know,

[51:06] that merch from your favorite

[51:07] MaxFun shows?

[51:08] Could be posters,

[51:09] tote bags, shirts,

[51:10] stickers, patches,

[51:11] aprons.

[51:11] We got it all.

[51:13] Well,

[51:13] we got a lot.

[51:14] Point is,

[51:15] there's some new stuff.

[51:17] Go to

[51:17] MaxFunStore.com.

Dan McCoy

[51:18] Hey, it's Dan here,

[51:21] flying solo again.

[51:23] Thanks for listening

[51:24] to our live episode.

[51:25] We had a lot of fun

[51:26] in LA.

[51:27] We had a lot of fun

[51:28] with Jordan Morris.

[51:29] We were sad that,

[51:30] of course,

[51:30] Stuart couldn't make it there.

[51:32] But we're hoping

[51:32] to have a lot of fun

[51:33] with him in Toronto.

[51:35] We got a few ads for you.

[51:37] The first is for

[51:38] ZipRecruiter.

[51:39] What if hiring

[51:40] could be easier,

[51:41] more streamlined,

[51:42] and less time-consuming?

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[51:45] you can post your job

[51:46] to over 100 job boards

[51:48] with just one click.

[51:50] And ZipRecruiter

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[51:51] on the right candidates

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[51:54] by actively notifying

[51:56] qualified candidates

[51:57] about your job.

[51:58] No wonder 80%

[51:59] of employers

[52:00] who post on ZipRecruiter

[52:01] get a quality candidate

[52:02] through the site

[52:03] in just one day.

[52:04] And right now,

[52:05] our listeners

[52:05] can post jobs

[52:06] on ZipRecruiter

[52:07] for free.

[52:08] Just go to

[52:09] ZipRecruiter.com

[52:10] slash Flophouse.

[52:11] That's

[52:12] ZipRecruiter.com

[52:13] slash Flophouse.

[52:14] So that's a great message

[52:16] for all the business owners

[52:17] out there.

[52:18] People who are not me

[52:19] because I could never

[52:20] understand anything

[52:22] about business

[52:22] if you explained it to me

[52:24] like a child

[52:25] for three days running.

[52:27] But I hope that

[52:28] it's useful

[52:28] to you.

[52:31] We're also sponsored

[52:32] by Blue Apron.

[52:34] For less than $10

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[52:45] This week,

[52:46] or not this week,

[52:47] but upcoming,

[52:48] what do we got?

[52:49] Now listen to this.

[52:50] We got cheesy chicken

[52:51] and black bean enchiladas

[52:53] with salsa verde.

[52:55] That's green salsa

[52:56] for those of you

[52:57] who don't understand

[52:59] Spanish.

[53:01] We got shrimp marinara

[53:03] with spaghetti,

[53:03] spinach,

[53:04] and parsley.

[53:05] Maple gravy

[53:06] smothered pork chops

[53:08] with stewed collard greens

[53:09] and sweet potatoes.

[53:11] I like anything

[53:12] that's got smothered in it.

[53:14] You got spiced cauliflower

[53:15] and pepper

[53:16] with jasmine rice

[53:17] and cilantro yogurt sauce.

[53:19] It all sounds great.

[53:20] Check out this week's menu

[53:21] and get $30 off

[53:22] your first meal

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[53:24] by going to

[53:25] blueapron.com

[53:26] slash flophouse.

[53:28] That's blueapron.com

[53:29] slash flophouse.

[53:30] It sounded so delicious

[53:31] that Archie

[53:33] jumped up on the table

[53:34] as if to say,

[53:35] mmm, mmm,

[53:36] give me some of that

[53:37] sweet blue apron treat.

[53:39] I don't know

[53:40] if that's a good slogan.

[53:41] Sweet blue apron treat.

[53:42] I just,

[53:43] I felt right in the moment

[53:44] because it rhymed

[53:45] but it doesn't actually,

[53:49] Anyway.

[53:50] Moving on.

[53:51] We got a couple

[53:52] of jumbotrons

[53:53] out this week

[53:55] and I dearly hope

[53:56] that the people

[53:57] who bought

[53:58] these jumbotrons

[53:59] are still getting

[53:59] their money's worth

[54:00] and people didn't

[54:01] turn off the radio

[54:02] machine.

[54:04] Let's call it,

[54:04] let's call your phone

[54:05] radio machine guys.

[54:06] Let's get that started.

[54:08] Didn't turn off

[54:09] the podcast

[54:10] as soon as they heard

[54:10] my voice alone

[54:11] doing ads

[54:12] but we can only hope.

[54:15] And the first

[54:16] jumbotron is

[54:17] for the

[54:18] Smash Fiction podcast.

[54:20] The Smash Fiction podcast

[54:22] settles the unsettlable.

[54:24] When beloved

[54:25] fictional characters

[54:27] clash,

[54:27] which one will win?

[54:29] Smash Fiction

[54:30] is a comedy podcast

[54:31] where a rotating

[54:31] cast of geeks

[54:32] debate on behalf

[54:34] of their chosen

[54:34] characters

[54:35] characters

[54:35] and an impartial

[54:36] judge decides

[54:37] the winner.

[54:38] Doctor Strange

[54:39] versus Voldemort.

[54:40] Mal Reynolds

[54:41] versus Han Solo.

[54:42] A yearly

[54:43] Nick Cage

[54:43] four-way cage mash

[54:44] inspired by our

[54:45] favorite movie podcast.

[54:47] Plus,

[54:47] every month

[54:47] we do an ongoing

[54:48] RPG where we play

[54:50] fictional characters

[54:50] in an epic

[54:51] crossover adventure.

[54:53] So that's

[54:53] Smash Fiction.

[54:55] And it's

[54:56] apparently run

[54:57] by a rotating

[54:58] cast of geeks.

[54:59] They don't specify

[54:59] whether this is

[55:01] a film geek

[55:01] or whether they

[55:03] are biting

[55:03] the heads

[55:04] off chickens

[55:04] in the middle

[55:05] of their podcast.

[55:06] The only way

[55:07] you can figure

[55:07] that out

[55:08] is by listening.

[55:10] And the second

[55:11] message is

[55:12] for Charlene,

[55:14] the Blade of Honor.

[55:16] And it's from

[55:16] Rosie and Chris,

[55:17] soon to be

[55:18] same last name

[55:19] withheld.

[55:20] Dearest Charlene,

[55:21] thank you for

[55:22] being our

[55:22] unicorn,

[55:23] but not the way

[55:24] kids these days

[55:25] mean it.

[55:25] I really was

[55:26] wondering,

[55:27] so thanks for

[55:27] the clarification.

[55:29] You made

[55:30] Rosie's hen

[55:30] party frightfully

[55:31] fun and will

[55:32] keep the wedding

[55:33] from becoming

[55:34] totally scarifying

[55:35] or totally

[55:35] snorifying.

[55:37] Hopefully soon

[55:37] we can all

[55:38] live on a

[55:38] corgi ranch

[55:39] together.

[55:40] Well,

[55:40] I mean,

[55:41] if you're

[55:42] the unicorn,

[55:44] I mean,

[55:44] you're confusing

[55:45] what kind of

[55:45] unicorn it is

[55:46] because now

[55:46] you want to

[55:47] live on a

[55:47] corgi ranch

[55:47] together.

[55:48] Anyway,

[55:50] going on,

[55:50] we promise

[55:51] not to get

[55:52] divorced as

[55:53] that would

[55:53] be for the

[55:54] drobs.

[55:55] Love you.

[55:56] I don't

[55:57] know the

[55:58] word drobs.

[55:59] I've been

[55:59] taught a new

[56:00] term today.

[56:01] I'll look

[56:02] that up.

[56:03] But while I

[56:03] look that up,

[56:04] you go back

[56:04] to listening

[56:05] to the

[56:05] Flap House

[56:06] live in

[56:07] Los Angeles.

Jordan Morris

[56:09] So now

[56:10] is when we

[56:10] should move

[56:11] on to

Dan McCoy

[56:11] talk to the

[56:12] audience.

[56:13] There's

[56:13] two

[56:15] microphones,

[56:15] I think,

[56:16] set up.

[56:16] There's two.

Elliott Kalan

[56:17] Yeah,

[56:17] there's one

[56:18] on each side

Dan McCoy

[56:19] of the

[56:19] theater.

[56:21] Not theater.

Elliott Kalan

[56:22] Thank you

[56:23] for helping

[56:23] me.

[56:23] You seem

[56:24] so unsure

[56:24] of the

[56:25] words.

Dan McCoy

[56:26] So if

[56:26] people have

[56:27] questions,

[56:27] they can

[56:27] come up

[56:28] to the

[56:28] microphones.

[56:29] We'll try

[56:29] and get

[56:30] as many

[56:30] as we

[56:30] can.

[56:30] We may

[56:31] have to

[56:31] cut it

[56:31] off.

Elliott Kalan

[56:31] You'll

[56:32] have to

[56:32] cut it

[56:32] off at

[56:33] some

[56:33] point

[56:33] because

[56:33] unfortunately

[56:34] you ran

[56:35] long.

[56:35] We just

[56:35] don't have

[56:36] a lot

[56:36] of time

[56:36] for

[56:36] things

[56:37] that'll

[56:37] take

[56:38] time

[56:38] up.

[56:39] We

[56:39] don't

[56:39] have

[56:40] time

[56:40] for

[56:40] filler.

[56:42] Let's

[56:42] get

[56:43] straight

[56:43] to the

[56:43] questions.

[56:44] We

[56:44] just

[56:44] don't

[56:45] have

[56:45] time

[56:45] for

[56:45] anything

[56:46] other

[56:47] than

[56:47] questions.

[56:48] Let's

[56:48] take a

[56:49] question,

[56:49] perhaps a

[56:50] suggestion,

[56:51] an interjection,

[56:52] maybe a

[56:53] question.

[56:54] That's

[56:54] right, I

[56:54] said

[56:55] questions

[56:55] twice.

[56:56] Because

[56:57] your

[56:57] questions

[56:58] are

[56:58] awfully

[56:59] nice

[56:59] and I

[57:00] appreciate

[57:00] your

[57:01] being

[57:01] here

[57:02] in

[57:02] Los

[57:02] Angeles.

[57:03] Nothing

[57:03] I can

[57:04] think

[57:04] of

[57:04] rhymes

[57:04] with

[57:05] Los

[57:05] Angeles

[57:05] except

[57:06] perhaps

[57:06] the

[57:07] composer

[57:07] Vangelis

[57:08] that rhymes

[57:09] with Los

[57:10] Angeles.

[57:11] Blade Runner

[57:12] 2049

[57:13] in theaters

[57:14] now.

[57:15] A sequel

[57:16] to Blade

[57:16] Runner

[57:17] which

[57:17] Vangelis

[57:18] did the

[57:18] music

[57:18] for.

[57:19] That's

[57:20] the way

[57:20] that I

[57:21] explain

[57:21] that

[57:22] reach.

[57:23] Alright.

[57:23] Thanks

[57:26] guys.

[57:29] Thank you.

[57:30] But really

[57:30] we should

[57:33] move on

[57:33] to the

[57:34] second

[57:34] part

[57:35] of the

[57:35] song.

[57:36] That's

[57:37] right,

[57:37] it's a

[57:37] cycle,

[57:38] it goes

[57:38] on too

[57:39] long.

[57:40] Hey

[57:40] everybody,

[57:41] remember

[57:41] when I

[57:42] said that

[57:42] we didn't

[57:43] have time

[57:43] for a

[57:44] lot of

[57:45] stuff?

[57:45] Well,

[57:45] I was

[57:46] right.

[57:47] Tonight,

[57:48] don't

[57:48] fight.

[57:50] Turn

[57:50] on the

[57:51] lights

[57:51] or

[57:52] Spider-Man

[57:53] turn

[57:53] off

[57:53] the

[57:54] dark.

[57:57] Some

[57:58] kind

[57:59] of

[58:00] alarm

[58:00] went

[58:00] off.

[58:02] Alright,

[58:03] I'm

[58:03] saying,

[58:04] are you

[58:04] okay?

[58:05] Are we

[58:05] doing

[58:05] this

[58:06] now?

[58:06] Yeah,

[58:06] we're

[58:07] going to

[58:07] do

[58:07] questions

[58:07] now.

[58:08] Because

[58:08] it's

[58:08] question

[58:09] time

[58:09] for

[58:10] the

[58:10] Flop

[58:10] House

[58:11] tonight.

[58:12] What

Dan McCoy

[58:12] Elliot

[58:12] would

[58:13] normally

[58:13] say

[58:13] at

[58:13] this

[58:14] point

[58:14] is

[58:14] just

[58:15] think

[58:16] about

[58:16] your

[58:16] question

[58:16] before

[58:16] you

[58:17] ask

[58:17] it.

[58:17] Think,

[58:18] would

[58:18] I

[58:18] care

[58:19] about

[58:19] this

[58:19] if

[58:19] it's

[58:19] not

[58:20] me

[58:20] asking

[58:20] it?

[58:21] And

[58:21] then if

[58:21] the

[58:21] answer

[58:22] is

[58:22] no,

[58:22] then don't

[58:23] ask that

[58:23] question.

[58:24] That's my

[58:25] abbreviated

[58:25] version of

[58:26] the speech

[58:26] that Elliot

[58:26] gives.

[58:26] Thank you for

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] being the

[58:27] bad cop

[58:27] tonight.

[58:30] Let's

[58:30] give Dan

[58:31] a hand.

[58:32] So,

[58:33] sir,

[58:34] you can

[58:35] go.

[58:36] You better

[58:36] go before

[58:37] I start

[58:37] singing

[58:37] again.

[58:39] Hi,

[58:39] I'm Scott.

[58:39] I just

[58:40] have a

[58:40] question.

[58:40] Guys,

[58:41] have I

[58:41] told you

[58:41] about

[58:41] Baby

[58:42] Secret of

[58:42] Lost

[58:42] Legend?

Dan McCoy

[58:43] Have

[58:43] you told

[58:44] us

[58:44] what?

[58:45] Have

Elliott Kalan

[58:45] you told

[58:45] you

[58:45] about

[58:45] Baby

[58:45] Secret of

[58:46] Lost

[58:46] Legend?

[58:47] Baby

Dan McCoy

[58:47] Secret of

[58:48] Lost

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Legend?

[58:50] Did you

[58:52] hear what

[58:52] Dan said

[58:52] earlier?

[58:54] Hey,

[58:55] Jordan,

[58:56] don't question

[58:56] shame people.

[58:57] But no,

[58:58] thank you.

[58:58] I'm very

[58:59] familiar with

[58:59] that movie.

[59:00] I saw it

[59:00] as a kid

[59:00] and I do

[59:01] not remember

[59:01] much of

[59:02] what happens

[59:02] in it.

Dan McCoy

[59:03] I feel

[59:03] like we

[59:03] should go

[59:03] back and

[59:04] forth

[59:04] because

[59:05] there's

[59:05] a mic

[59:05] over here

[59:06] too.

[59:06] Yeah,

[59:07] let's

[59:07] go to

[59:07] the other

[59:08] side.

[59:08] Hi,

[59:08] this is

[59:09] Daniel,

[59:10] last name

[59:10] withheld.

Jordan Morris

[59:12] So,

[59:12] Jordan

[59:12] was a

[59:13] great

[59:13] co-host,

[59:14] fill-in

[59:15] co-host

[59:15] tonight.

[59:16] What?

[59:16] I hear

[59:18] a but

[59:19] coming.

[59:20] I was

[59:20] wondering if

[59:21] you could

[59:21] pick any

[59:22] person to

[59:23] be your

[59:23] guest co-host

[59:24] for the

[59:25] Flophouse,

Dan McCoy

[59:26] who would

[59:26] you pick?

[59:28] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] boy.

[59:28] Well,

[59:29] everyone knows

[59:30] I'm mad

[59:30] about Mads,

[59:31] Mads Mikkelsen

[59:31] that is.

[59:33] And I feel

[59:34] like he'd

[59:34] have a lot

[59:35] of great

[59:35] stories about

[59:36] his Hagar

[59:36] the Horrible

[59:37] movie,

[59:38] Valhalla

[59:38] Rising.

Dan McCoy

[59:40] I would

[59:40] think I

[59:41] would pick

[59:41] someone that

[59:42] Elliot knows

[59:42] personally and

[59:43] has worked

[59:43] with,

[59:44] Joel Hodgson.

[59:46] Oh,

[59:46] yeah.

[59:47] The godfather

[59:47] of bad movie

[59:48] talk.

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] We owe him

[59:49] a huge debt

[59:50] which we will

[59:51] never be able

[59:51] to repay.

[59:52] Or we'll

[59:53] try to.

[59:54] Maybe I'll

[59:55] ask him

[59:55] sometime.

[59:56] Yeah,

[59:57] why not?

[59:57] I'm promising

[59:57] nothing.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:01] Let's move

[1:00:01] on.

[1:00:02] Hi,

[1:00:02] my name is

S5

[1:00:02] Ed,

[1:00:03] last name

[1:00:03] withheld.

[1:00:04] Hi,

[1:00:04] thanks for

[1:00:04] coming.

[1:00:04] If the

[1:00:05] three of

[1:00:05] you were

[1:00:05] on a

[1:00:06] tour of

[1:00:06] Willy Wonka's

[1:00:07] Chocolate Factory,

[1:00:08] in what

[1:00:09] horrible yet

[1:00:10] ironic way

[1:00:11] would you

[1:00:11] be killed?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] That's a

[1:00:14] good question.

[1:00:15] That's a

S5

[1:00:17] That question

[1:00:18] was actually

[1:00:18] from my

[1:00:18] daughter,

[1:00:19] Charlotte,

[1:00:19] who was

[1:00:19] not able

[1:00:20] to come

[1:00:20] tonight,

[1:00:20] so she

[1:00:21] asked me

[1:00:21] to ask.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:25] So,

[1:00:26] okay.

[1:00:29] Is there

[1:00:29] some sort

[1:00:29] of sadness

[1:00:30] candy that

[1:00:31] exists?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:32] It's like a

[1:00:33] saltwater tear

[1:00:34] taffy,

[1:00:34] maybe?

[1:00:35] You fall

[1:00:37] in a

[1:00:37] big vat

[1:00:37] of it

[1:00:38] and you're

[1:00:38] like,

[1:00:38] I'm

[1:00:38] drowning

[1:00:38] in my

[1:00:39] own

[1:00:39] tears

[1:00:39] and

[1:00:39] these.

[1:00:41] That

Dan McCoy

[1:00:41] seems

[1:00:41] appropriate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:44] I think,

[1:00:45] I don't,

[1:00:46] yeah,

[1:00:46] I don't

[1:00:47] know.

[1:00:47] Do they

[1:00:47] make fried

[1:00:47] chicken at

[1:00:48] Willy Wonka's

[1:00:49] Factory?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:51] Maybe.

[1:00:52] Like a

[1:00:52] Cadbury egg.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:54] That's not

[1:00:55] the same

[1:00:56] thing at

[1:00:56] all.

[1:00:58] Here,

[1:00:58] I'm here

[1:00:58] to buy

[1:00:58] a car,

[1:00:59] here's a

[1:00:59] shoe.

[1:01:02] They're

[1:01:02] both modes

[1:01:03] of

[1:01:03] transportation.

[1:01:06] I think,

[1:01:07] probably,

[1:01:09] there'd be

[1:01:09] something involving

[1:01:10] talking a lot.

[1:01:13] Yeah,

[1:01:14] Jawbreaker,

[1:01:14] nice.

[1:01:15] Yeah,

[1:01:16] I'd be

[1:01:16] watching the

[1:01:16] movie Jawbreaker,

[1:01:17] listening to

[1:01:19] the Judas

[1:01:19] Priest song

[1:01:20] Jawbreaker,

[1:01:22] and my

[1:01:22] jaw would

[1:01:22] get broken.

[1:01:24] Jordan,

[1:01:24] what about

[1:01:24] you?

[1:01:25] I would

[1:01:25] get killed

[1:01:26] by a

[1:01:27] bullet

[1:01:27] meant for

[1:01:27] Stuart.

Jordan Morris

[1:01:30] Thank

[1:01:31] you.

[1:01:31] So heroic.

[1:01:32] Yeah,

[1:01:32] one of

[1:01:32] those

[1:01:32] Willy Wonka

[1:01:33] snipers

[1:01:34] is aiming

[1:01:34] for Stuart,

[1:01:35] and then I

[1:01:35] walk in

[1:01:36] front.

[1:01:36] No,

[1:01:36] I just

[1:01:37] imagine

[1:01:37] Oompa Loompas

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] with sniper

[1:01:38] rifles strapped

[1:01:39] to their

[1:01:39] back,

[1:01:40] hurling

[1:01:40] themselves to

[1:01:41] the ground

[1:01:41] before they

[1:01:42] get a good

[1:01:42] shot.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:44] Sir,

[1:01:45] you

[1:01:45] in the

[1:01:46] hat.

[1:01:47] The

[1:01:48] person who's

[1:01:48] at the

[1:01:49] microphone.

Jordan Morris

[1:01:50] My name

[1:01:51] is Michael,

[1:01:52] last name

[1:01:52] with hoe.

[1:01:53] Hello,

[1:01:53] Michael.

[1:01:54] Hello.

[1:01:54] My question

[1:01:55] is,

[1:01:55] with Jordan

[1:01:56] here instead

[1:01:57] of Stuart,

[1:01:57] how would

[1:01:58] that change

[1:01:58] the order

[1:01:58] you'd be

[1:01:59] in the

[1:01:59] Flophouse

[1:02:00] human centipede?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] Oh,

[1:02:03] How would

[1:02:04] that change

[1:02:04] the Flophouse

[1:02:05] human centipede?

[1:02:05] Because usually

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:06] the order

[1:02:07] is you

[1:02:07] in the

[1:02:07] middle,

[1:02:08] I think

[1:02:09] Stuart's

[1:02:09] in the

[1:02:10] back,

[1:02:11] and I'm

[1:02:11] in the

[1:02:11] front.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:12] I think

[1:02:13] you called

[1:02:14] front.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:15] You better

[1:02:15] believe I

[1:02:16] called

[1:02:16] front.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:18] We need

[1:02:18] to have

[1:02:18] a little

[1:02:19] talk

[1:02:19] about

[1:02:19] that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:21] You

[1:02:22] snossed

[1:02:22] and you

[1:02:22] lost,

[1:02:23] Dan.

[1:02:23] Swept

[1:02:23] in.

[1:02:26] Jordan,

[1:02:27] do you

[1:02:27] think,

[1:02:27] Dan,

[1:02:28] would you

[1:02:28] get bumped

[1:02:28] up to

[1:02:29] middle

[1:02:29] then?

[1:02:29] No,

[1:02:30] you're

[1:02:30] still in

[1:02:30] the

[1:02:30] middle.

[1:02:31] Would

[1:02:32] you get

[1:02:32] bumped

[1:02:32] back to

[1:02:32] back?

[1:02:33] I don't

[1:02:33] know

[1:02:33] that it

[1:02:33] would

[1:02:33] change

[1:02:33] it

[1:02:33] too

[1:02:34] much.

[1:02:34] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:02:35] I'm

[1:02:36] sorry,

[1:02:36] Jordan.

[1:02:36] I'm

[1:02:37] afraid

[1:02:37] that

[1:02:37] you're

[1:02:38] cursed.

Jordan Morris

[1:02:40] I'm

[1:02:41] just

[1:02:41] going to

[1:02:42] try

[1:02:42] and

[1:02:42] make

[1:02:42] the

[1:02:42] best

[1:02:42] of

[1:02:42] these

[1:02:43] seven

[1:02:43] days.

[1:02:45] I'm

[1:02:45] going to

[1:02:45] try and

[1:02:45] finish

[1:02:46] BoJack,

[1:02:46] of course.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:48] I feel

[1:02:48] like there's

[1:02:49] no winner

[1:02:49] in a

[1:02:49] human

[1:02:50] centipede.

[1:02:50] It's

[1:02:51] just

[1:02:51] like

[1:02:51] someone

[1:02:51] who

[1:02:52] loses

[1:02:52] a

[1:02:52] little

[1:02:52] less.

[1:02:53] And

[1:02:54] that's

[1:02:54] the

[1:02:54] front.

[1:02:57] Yes,

[1:02:58] sir.

[1:02:58] Hey,

[1:02:59] Castleton

[1:02:59] shirt.

[1:03:00] Cool.

[1:03:00] Nice.

[1:03:01] Yeah.

[1:03:02] Castleton

[1:03:02] snob.

S5

[1:03:03] You are

[1:03:03] the

[1:03:04] third and

[1:03:04] fourth

[1:03:05] people

[1:03:05] ever

[1:03:05] in me

[1:03:06] wearing

[1:03:06] this

[1:03:06] shirt

[1:03:06] who

[1:03:07] have

[1:03:07] gotten

[1:03:07] that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:10] I've never

[1:03:10] pulled the

[1:03:11] trigger on

[1:03:11] buying a

[1:03:12] Castleton

[1:03:12] shirt,

[1:03:12] but certainly

[1:03:13] thought about

[1:03:14] it a lot.

Jordan Morris

[1:03:15] I have

[1:03:15] drunkenly

[1:03:16] googled

[1:03:16] Castleton

[1:03:16] shirt as

[1:03:17] well.

[1:03:18] But then

[1:03:18] I'm like,

[1:03:19] can a

[1:03:19] man have

[1:03:20] too much

[1:03:20] pussy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:24] This is,

[1:03:25] for anyone

[1:03:25] not familiar

[1:03:26] with it,

[1:03:27] it's a

[1:03:27] shirt that

[1:03:28] was in

[1:03:28] the

[1:03:28] Time

[1:03:28] Chasers

[1:03:29] episode of

[1:03:29] Mystery

[1:03:29] Science

[1:03:30] Theater

[1:03:30] 2000.

[1:03:31] Great

[1:03:31] episode.

[1:03:31] Solid,

[1:03:32] wonderful

[1:03:32] episode.

[1:03:33] Yes.

[1:03:34] My

Jordan Morris

[1:03:34] question's

[1:03:34] not about

[1:03:35] that.

[1:03:35] In the

[1:03:36] last New York

[1:03:37] live show,

[1:03:38] Elliot,

[1:03:38] you were asked

[1:03:39] what New York

[1:03:40] movie was

[1:03:40] most

[1:03:40] representative

[1:03:41] of your

[1:03:41] time in

S5

[1:03:42] New York,

[1:03:42] and now

[1:03:42] that you

[1:03:43] live in

[1:03:43] LA,

[1:03:43] I was

[1:03:44] wondering

[1:03:44] so far

[1:03:45] what LA

[1:03:45] movie is

[1:03:46] best

[1:03:47] of your

[1:03:47] time in

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:48] LA.

[1:03:48] Interesting.

[1:03:49] It's hard

[1:03:50] to pick a

[1:03:50] movie because

[1:03:51] I've only

[1:03:51] been here

[1:03:51] a couple

[1:03:51] months,

[1:03:52] so I

[1:03:53] guess

[1:03:53] Cobra.

[1:03:57] Look,

[1:03:58] the way I

[1:03:59] work is

[1:03:59] dirty,

[1:04:00] but I get

[1:04:00] results,

[1:04:01] and I

[1:04:02] recently took

[1:04:03] down an

[1:04:03] axe

[1:04:03] murder cult

[1:04:04] that was

[1:04:06] trying to

[1:04:07] kill

[1:04:07] Brigitte

[1:04:07] Nielsen.

[1:04:08] So,

[1:04:08] yeah.

[1:04:09] I think

[1:04:09] to be

[1:04:10] honest,

[1:04:11] probably

[1:04:11] all I can

[1:04:14] think about

[1:04:14] is Cobra,

[1:04:15] to be honest.

[1:04:15] That's why

[1:04:16] I shouldn't

[1:04:17] have mentioned it.

[1:04:17] I mean,

[1:04:17] that's just

Dan McCoy

[1:04:18] the way you

[1:04:18] live is all

[1:04:19] you can

[1:04:20] is Cobra.

[1:04:20] because I

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] like to

[1:04:21] eat cold

[1:04:21] pizza by

[1:04:22] cutting it

[1:04:22] up with

[1:04:22] a pair

[1:04:23] of scissors,

[1:04:23] which he

[1:04:24] does in

[1:04:25] Cobra.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:27] Yeah,

[1:04:28] I feel like

[1:04:28] that's a good

[1:04:28] answer.

[1:04:29] Yeah,

[1:04:29] okay,

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] sure,

[1:04:29] yeah,

[1:04:30] thanks.

[1:04:30] I'll

[1:04:30] a better

[1:04:30] one next

[1:04:31] time we

[1:04:31] do an

[1:04:31] LA show.

[1:04:32] Ask me

[1:04:32] again.

[1:04:34] Hey,

[1:04:36] Nico,

[1:04:36] last name

[1:04:37] was held.

[1:04:38] Case?

[1:04:39] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:40] What?

[1:04:40] I was playing

[1:04:41] Elliot's role

[1:04:42] of making up

[1:04:43] last names.

[1:04:43] He had

[1:04:44] already

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:44] started

[1:04:44] talking.

[1:04:45] Yeah,

[1:04:45] I'm sorry.

[1:04:46] And you

[1:04:46] were being

[1:04:46] very rude.

[1:04:47] I'm sorry.

[1:04:48] And I want

[1:04:48] you to apologize

[1:04:49] to our

[1:04:49] guest.

[1:04:50] No,

[1:04:50] go on,

[1:04:50] I'm sorry.

[1:04:51] That's okay,

[1:04:51] Case is a

[1:04:52] better last

[1:04:52] name than

[1:04:52] my real

[1:04:53] last name.

S4

[1:04:54] So they're

[1:04:55] making these,

[1:04:56] I guess,

[1:04:56] Dark Universe

[1:04:57] reboots of

[1:04:58] the classic

[1:04:59] Universal

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:59] 4th show.

[1:04:59] They're sure

[1:05:00] trying to.

[1:05:01] And God

[1:05:02] is doing

[1:05:02] his best

[1:05:03] to stop

[1:05:03] him.

[1:05:05] Well,

[1:05:05] so I was

[1:05:06] just curious,

[1:05:06] what is a

[1:05:07] sort of like

[1:05:07] classic monster

[1:05:08] that you think

[1:05:09] either hasn't

[1:05:10] gotten its due

[1:05:11] or hasn't

[1:05:11] had a movie

[1:05:12] at all

[1:05:12] made about

[1:05:13] it that you

[1:05:13] think there

[1:05:14] should be

[1:05:14] in the

[1:05:15] Pantheon of

[1:05:16] monsters?

[1:05:17] Of the

[1:05:18] Universals

[1:05:18] particularly?

[1:05:19] I guess I

[1:05:20] would say

[1:05:20] more broadly.

[1:05:23] Yeah,

[1:05:23] I mean,

[1:05:24] a reboot

[1:05:25] of the

[1:05:25] Universal

[1:05:26] movies or

[1:05:26] just any

[1:05:27] monster.

[1:05:27] Like a

[1:05:27] Wendigo

[1:05:28] or a

[1:05:28] Gollum.

[1:05:29] I mean,

[1:05:29] Wendigo

[1:05:29] is never

[1:05:30] real.

[1:05:31] Has

[1:05:31] the

[1:05:31] guys

[1:05:31] do.

[1:05:32] There was

[1:05:33] that movie

[1:05:33] with the

[1:05:33] kid from

[1:05:34] Malcolm

[1:05:34] in the

[1:05:34] middle

[1:05:34] in it

[1:05:35] years ago

[1:05:36] and Gollum

[1:05:36] there

[1:05:37] hasn't

[1:05:37] been a

[1:05:37] good

[1:05:37] Gollum

[1:05:38] movie

[1:05:38] since

[1:05:38] the

[1:05:38] 1920s.

[1:05:40] It's

[1:05:40] pretty good

[1:05:41] but I

[1:05:41] think I'm

[1:05:41] probably

[1:05:41] going to

[1:05:42] say,

[1:05:42] and this

[1:05:43] will be

[1:05:43] controversial,

[1:05:44] Gill Man

[1:05:44] from the

[1:05:46] Creature from

[1:05:47] the Black

[1:05:47] Lagoon movies

[1:05:48] because even

[1:05:48] the original

[1:05:49] movies are

[1:05:49] not very

[1:05:49] good and

[1:05:51] that creature

[1:05:51] design is

[1:05:52] so sharp.

[1:05:54] What?

[1:05:56] I haven't

[1:05:57] seen it yet.

[1:05:57] Thanks for

[1:05:57] ruining it for

[1:05:58] me.

[1:05:58] Okay.

[1:05:59] I didn't

[1:05:59] know it was

[1:06:00] a soft

[1:06:00] reboot of

[1:06:00] the Gill

[1:06:01] Man series.

[1:06:02] I do

[1:06:02] want to

[1:06:02] see

[1:06:02] Shape of

[1:06:03] Water.

[1:06:03] But

[1:06:03] maybe that's

[1:06:04] it.

[1:06:04] I'll

[1:06:05] come up

[1:06:05] with a

[1:06:05] different

[1:06:05] one.

[1:06:05] Dan,

[1:06:05] you

[1:06:05] answer.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:07] I mean,

[1:06:07] I already,

[1:06:08] I mean,

[1:06:09] he said

[1:06:09] Wendigo and

[1:06:09] that's what I

[1:06:10] was going to

[1:06:10] say anyway.

[1:06:11] Really?

[1:06:11] Yeah.

[1:06:12] All right.

[1:06:12] But,

[1:06:13] well,

[1:06:13] just because

[1:06:14] it's not a

[1:06:14] thing that

[1:06:15] there's been

[1:06:15] like a good

[1:06:15] movie about.

[1:06:16] There was

[1:06:16] that Larry

[1:06:17] Fessenden

[1:06:17] movie,

[1:06:18] I think it

[1:06:18] was.

[1:06:19] I say

[1:06:19] Wendigo.

[1:06:21] Yeah,

[1:06:21] let's call

[1:06:22] the whole thing

[1:06:22] off.

[1:06:22] Wendigo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] But I,

[1:06:24] I.

[1:06:24] That movie

[1:06:24] Wendigo Man

[1:06:25] about the guy

[1:06:25] who's swearing

[1:06:26] in the Wendigo

[1:06:26] video.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:28] I would

[1:06:29] like to see

[1:06:29] another

[1:06:30] Gill Man

[1:06:31] movie too

[1:06:31] because I

[1:06:32] was thinking

[1:06:32] that the

[1:06:33] funny thing

[1:06:33] to me

[1:06:33] about watching

[1:06:34] Monster Squad

[1:06:35] is at the

[1:06:36] end how

[1:06:37] like every

[1:06:38] other monster

[1:06:39] has like a

[1:06:40] particular way

[1:06:40] that you have

[1:06:41] to kill them

[1:06:41] and then

[1:06:42] like the

[1:06:43] Gill Man

[1:06:43] they just

[1:06:43] like blast

[1:06:44] him with

[1:06:44] a shotgun.

[1:06:45] They just

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] shoot him.

[1:06:46] Because he's

[1:06:46] the everyman.

[1:06:47] Yeah.

[1:06:47] You know,

[1:06:48] you can kill

[1:06:48] him a normal

[1:06:48] way.

[1:06:49] Yeah,

[1:06:49] exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:50] And then

[1:06:51] the fat kid

[1:06:51] gets to say

[1:06:52] Horace.

[1:06:53] That's true.

[1:06:54] I'm just

[1:06:54] remembering

[1:06:55] Monster Squad.

[1:06:55] No,

[1:06:55] tell us more

[1:06:56] about Monster

[1:06:56] Squad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] Yeah,

[1:06:57] Wolfman has

[1:06:57] nards.

[1:06:58] Let me begin

[1:07:00] by saying

[1:07:01] that Wolfman

[1:07:01] has something

[1:07:02] that you

[1:07:02] might not

[1:07:02] expect him

[1:07:03] to have

[1:07:03] despite having

[1:07:04] the word

[1:07:04] man in

[1:07:04] his name.

[1:07:07] Over here

[1:07:07] again.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:08] Hi.

[1:07:08] Oh,

[1:07:09] whoa,

[1:07:09] that's loud.

[1:07:09] I'm so sorry.

Jordan Morris

[1:07:10] My name is

[1:07:10] Brennan,

[1:07:11] last name

[1:07:11] withheld.

[1:07:12] And since

[1:07:12] it's Shocktober,

[1:07:14] I thought I

[1:07:14] would ask,

[1:07:15] what is the

[1:07:18] dumbest horror

[1:07:19] movie that

[1:07:20] actually scared

[1:07:21] you at any

[1:07:22] point during

[1:07:22] the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:23] Oh,

[1:07:24] Troll 2.

[1:07:24] Oh,

[1:07:25] yeah.

[1:07:25] When I was a

[1:07:26] kid,

[1:07:27] Troll 2 was

[1:07:27] genuinely scary

[1:07:28] to me.

[1:07:29] Stick fingers.

[1:07:30] Yeah.

[1:07:30] It's the part

[1:07:30] where he's

[1:07:31] talking to his

[1:07:32] grandfather,

[1:07:33] and he goes,

[1:07:33] I was talking

[1:07:33] to grandpa,

[1:07:34] and they go,

[1:07:34] grandpa's not

[1:07:35] there,

[1:07:35] and he looks

[1:07:35] and the chair's

[1:07:36] empty.

[1:07:36] When I was a

[1:07:37] kid,

[1:07:37] that scared

[1:07:37] the shit

[1:07:38] out of him.

[1:07:39] I couldn't

[1:07:40] watch the rest

[1:07:40] of the movie

[1:07:41] for a long time.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:41] Well,

[1:07:42] it also has

[1:07:42] the bleakest

[1:07:43] ending.

[1:07:44] They go home,

[1:07:45] and you think

[1:07:46] everything's all

[1:07:46] right,

[1:07:47] and the kid

[1:07:47] goes upstairs

[1:07:49] or whatever,

[1:07:49] and the shower

[1:07:50] is going,

[1:07:50] and the parents

[1:07:52] have turned

[1:07:52] into green goo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:54] Yeah,

[1:07:55] it's green goo.

[1:07:55] But also,

[1:07:56] the idea

[1:07:56] that that kid,

[1:07:58] I feel so bad

[1:07:58] for the kid

[1:07:59] in that movie

[1:07:59] because the grandpa

[1:07:59] is just yelling

[1:08:00] at him to take

[1:08:01] care of things,

[1:08:02] and he's a kid,

[1:08:03] and grandpa's a ghost

[1:08:04] with magic powers.

[1:08:05] Yeah.

[1:08:06] And he's like,

[1:08:06] go blow up

[1:08:07] all those trolls.

Jordan Morris

[1:08:08] I'm disappointed

[1:08:08] in you,

[1:08:09] grandson.

[1:08:09] Yeah.

[1:08:09] It's like,

[1:08:10] oh,

[1:08:11] so much going

[1:08:11] on in that movie.

[1:08:12] I had to have

[1:08:13] my mom

[1:08:14] take me out

[1:08:15] of tremors.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] I really admire

[1:08:19] that your mom

[1:08:20] took you to tremors.

[1:08:21] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[1:08:22] I think I was just

[1:08:23] afraid of the

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:23] vaginal imagery.

[1:08:25] Yeah.

[1:08:26] I just,

[1:08:27] considering that

[1:08:27] when I wanted

[1:08:28] to see Fern Dully,

[1:08:28] my mom said,

[1:08:29] we are not going

[1:08:30] to see that.

[1:08:31] And I said,

[1:08:32] why not, mom?

[1:08:32] And she goes,

[1:08:32] I don't want

[1:08:33] to see that.

[1:08:34] I don't approve

[1:08:35] of wrapping bats.

[1:08:36] It was the first

[1:08:37] time that I was like,

[1:08:38] wait,

[1:08:38] parents can do that?

[1:08:41] They can just say

[1:08:42] no to movies?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:44] Are you looking

[1:08:45] to me for something?

[1:08:46] Leadership in this

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:47] time of crisis.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:49] When I saw,

[1:08:50] even watching

[1:08:51] the Mystery Science

[1:08:52] Theater version

[1:08:53] of this,

[1:08:54] Man Out of the

[1:08:54] Hands of Fate

[1:08:55] disturbed me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:56] It feels like

[1:08:56] a snuff film.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] Yeah,

[1:08:57] because as

[1:08:58] Joel says in it,

[1:09:00] or Crow says in it,

[1:09:01] I think,

[1:09:01] every frame looks

[1:09:02] like someone's

[1:09:03] last known photograph.

[1:09:05] And there's

[1:09:07] something about

[1:09:07] really badly

[1:09:10] made movies

[1:09:12] that can capture

[1:09:13] this weirdness

[1:09:14] and sense of

[1:09:15] something wrong

[1:09:15] with the world

[1:09:16] that good movies

[1:09:17] can't.

[1:09:18] Yeah.

[1:09:19] But that would,

[1:09:20] yeah,

[1:09:20] that would be my answer.

[1:09:21] Okay,

[1:09:21] that's a good answer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] Yeah.

[1:09:23] Thank you.

[1:09:23] Oh,

[1:09:23] thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:24] What side are we,

[1:09:24] that side?

[1:09:25] That side.

Jordan Morris

[1:09:25] Hey there,

[1:09:26] I'm Tom,

[1:09:26] last name with Held.

[1:09:27] Hello.

[1:09:28] So,

[1:09:28] another Shocktober

[1:09:29] question.

[1:09:29] So,

[1:09:30] I was thinking

[1:09:30] about Pet Sematary

[1:09:30] and how the bit

[1:09:31] where Mrs. Star Trek

[1:09:32] is remembering her sister

[1:09:33] and that is by far

[1:09:34] the most terrifying

[1:09:35] part of that movie

[1:09:36] for me.

[1:09:37] What other movies

[1:09:38] like are there

[1:09:39] where the most memorable

[1:09:40] or the most terrifying

[1:09:41] moment is not the main

[1:09:42] conceit of the movie?

[1:09:43] Like,

[1:09:44] because I don't remember

[1:09:44] much else about that movie.

[1:09:46] I know there's something

[1:09:46] about a dead baby,

[1:09:47] but God,

[1:09:48] the neck

[1:09:48] is so scary.

[1:09:50] The back,

[1:09:51] something,

[1:09:52] I don't know,

[1:09:52] terrifying moment,

[1:09:53] not main conceit.

[1:09:54] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:55] I mean,

[1:09:55] I kind of feel like

[1:09:55] my answer to the last

[1:09:56] question works,

[1:09:57] that like,

[1:09:57] Troll 2,

[1:09:58] the trolls were not scary.

[1:09:59] It was this guy's

[1:09:59] relationship with his

[1:10:00] grandfather.

[1:10:02] That was the most memorable

[1:10:03] thing.

[1:10:03] Oh,

[1:10:04] there's a scene in,

[1:10:06] is it,

[1:10:07] what movie is it?

[1:10:08] It's not the crazies.

[1:10:09] There's some horror movie

[1:10:11] where someone needs

[1:10:11] to use a phone

[1:10:12] and the person

[1:10:13] who's so crazy

[1:10:15] that they have to

[1:10:16] borrow a phone

[1:10:16] from.

[1:10:18] And it's like,

[1:10:19] this is,

[1:10:19] get out of this scene.

[1:10:20] This is really frightening.

[1:10:22] Might have been

[1:10:22] Sisters or something,

[1:10:23] I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:24] There's a scene

[1:10:24] in The Exorcist

[1:10:27] where like,

[1:10:28] the devil stuff,

[1:10:29] fine,

[1:10:30] it's scary enough.

[1:10:31] I get it,

[1:10:32] he's wearing Prada.

[1:10:33] The part that really

[1:10:34] scared me

[1:10:35] is there's a part

[1:10:36] where they take

[1:10:36] Reagan to get

[1:10:37] tests

[1:10:38] and there's like

[1:10:39] a machine

[1:10:40] that like,

[1:10:40] makes like a

[1:10:40] ka-chunk,

[1:10:41] ka-chunk,

[1:10:42] ka-chunk,

[1:10:42] and I'm like,

[1:10:43] not sure what it does,

[1:10:44] but she's like,

[1:10:44] getting like a spinal tap

[1:10:45] or something

[1:10:46] and that was

[1:10:48] the thing

[1:10:48] that made me

[1:10:49] like,

[1:10:49] I can't watch this.

[1:10:53] So that would be

[1:10:53] my answer.

Jordan Morris

[1:10:54] I don't like any movie

[1:10:55] where people buy

[1:10:56] plane tickets

[1:10:57] last minute.

[1:11:00] Because like,

[1:11:02] how expensive

[1:11:04] must that be

[1:11:04] to just walk up

[1:11:05] to the counter?

[1:11:06] And you're gambling

[1:11:07] that they even

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:08] have seats available.

Jordan Morris

[1:11:11] So like,

[1:11:11] all Home Alone movies.

[1:11:14] Like,

[1:11:14] being left at home,

[1:11:16] because I figure

[1:11:16] I can like,

[1:11:17] rig up some traps,

[1:11:18] okay.

[1:11:19] But the thought

[1:11:20] of like,

[1:11:20] having to buy

[1:11:20] a plane ticket

[1:11:21] last minute.

[1:11:23] Yeah,

[1:11:23] now I'm stressed out

[1:11:24] just thinking about it.

[1:11:26] On this side.

S4

[1:11:28] So I'm Mandy,

[1:11:29] last name withheld,

[1:11:31] and my friend

[1:11:32] throughout most of today

[1:11:33] has been making fun

[1:11:34] of me saying

[1:11:34] that I look like

[1:11:35] the best friend

[1:11:36] of an 80s movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] Yeah,

[1:11:38] I'll buy that.

[1:11:39] Yeah,

[1:11:39] straw hat.

[1:11:40] Yeah.

[1:11:40] Like,

[1:11:41] kind of a Hawaiian-y

[1:11:42] type shirt

[1:11:42] knotted at the

[1:11:43] midsection.

[1:11:44] Yeah,

[1:11:44] okay.

[1:11:45] And some sort of

[1:11:46] 1940s carnival

Jordan Morris

[1:11:48] barker hat?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:50] There's a lot

[1:11:51] of overlap,

Jordan Morris

[1:11:51] yeah.

[1:11:52] Can I get a ride

[1:11:53] back to Silver Lake,

[1:11:54] by the way?

[1:11:55] I think I'm...

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:57] So local humor.

[1:11:58] Local reference,

[1:11:59] yeah.

S4

[1:12:00] So I wanted to ask

[1:12:02] what...

[1:12:02] Or Portland,

[1:12:02] sorry.

[1:12:03] What makes a good

[1:12:04] best friend in a movie,

[1:12:06] and what would you want

[1:12:07] out of your,

[1:12:08] in your movie,

[1:12:08] what would your 80s

[1:12:09] best friend be?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:12] What makes a good

[1:12:13] best friend in a movie?

[1:12:14] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:14] that you eventually

[1:12:15] end up with them.

[1:12:16] Yeah.

[1:12:16] Or,

Dan McCoy

[1:12:17] if they're played

[1:12:18] by Judy Greer,

[1:12:19] that's a good sign.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:20] she does a very good

[1:12:21] best friend in movies.

Jordan Morris

[1:12:23] Yeah,

[1:12:23] it's good to have

[1:12:24] a best friend who you

[1:12:25] wish had a little

[1:12:25] more to do.

[1:12:27] That's why.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:28] Yeah,

[1:12:29] a best friend who

[1:12:29] doesn't really have

[1:12:30] much of a job

[1:12:31] and is available

[1:12:31] at all hours of the

[1:12:32] night to help you

[1:12:33] out with stuff.

[1:12:35] And my best friend

[1:12:36] in an 80s movie,

[1:12:37] if I wasn't the best friend,

[1:12:38] which I probably would be,

[1:12:40] but my best friend

[1:12:41] would probably be like,

[1:12:42] I don't know,

[1:12:42] like a talking robot dog

[1:12:44] with magic powers.

[1:12:46] And we'd end up

[1:12:47] together at the end.

Jordan Morris

[1:12:50] I feel like I have,

[1:12:52] I have fantasy best friends

[1:12:55] and through circumstances,

[1:12:58] I got to be on stage

[1:12:59] with two of them.

[1:13:00] Aww.

[1:13:01] That's right.

[1:13:02] Stuff you should know.

[1:13:05] You bastard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:07] Smoke.

[1:13:08] That's a fine podcast,

[1:13:10] though.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:10] It is good.

[1:13:10] They do a good job.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:11] The name of this podcast

[1:13:12] should be like,

[1:13:13] Stuff is Not Real.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:16] Are you looking at me

[1:13:17] for,

[1:13:17] what was the last part

[1:13:18] of the question?

[1:13:19] Who you would want?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:19] What's your best friend

[1:13:21] in your 80s movie

[1:13:21] going to be like?

[1:13:22] For you.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:23] I would just want

[1:13:23] Boof from Teen Wolf,

[1:13:25] basically.

[1:13:25] Yeah,

[1:13:26] because Boof's

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:26] the best 80s best friend.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:28] Yeah.

[1:13:28] I mean,

[1:13:29] could someone be Boof

[1:13:30] from Teen Wolf?

[1:13:32] Is Boof from Teen Wolf

[1:13:33] in the audience?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:34] What are her characteristics?

[1:13:36] She puts up

[1:13:36] for the best friend

[1:13:37] even though he's a jerk

[1:13:37] to her.

[1:13:38] Yeah.

[1:13:38] She doesn't like him

[1:13:39] because he's a werewolf.

[1:13:40] She likes him

[1:13:41] for who he is,

[1:13:41] even though he's a jerk

[1:13:42] to her.

[1:13:43] She's more attractive

[1:13:44] than the big romantic lead.

[1:13:46] Yeah.

[1:13:46] She wears a lot

[1:13:47] of cute sweaters.

[1:13:50] Just because,

[1:13:50] you know,

[1:13:51] just everyday sense

[1:13:51] of style on a budget.

[1:13:52] That's what I'm looking,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:53] apparently that's

[1:13:54] what I'm looking for.

[1:13:55] I should just put that

[1:13:56] in an ad.

[1:13:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:57] Yeah.

[1:13:58] Look at,

Jordan Morris

[1:13:58] M4B,

[1:14:00] man for Boof.

[1:14:01] Yeah.

[1:14:03] Seeking a no drama Boof.

[1:14:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:06] Me,

[1:14:06] Emmy winning comedy writer.

[1:14:08] You, Boof.

[1:14:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:12] And people across America

[1:14:13] being like,

[1:14:14] uh,

[1:14:15] what does this mean?

[1:14:16] Like,

[1:14:16] honey,

[1:14:17] can you come here?

[1:14:18] Look at this ad.

[1:14:18] In the gay subculture,

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] what is a Boof?

[1:14:20] What is this?

[1:14:22] Because I don't know

[1:14:22] if I'm it or not.

Jordan Morris

[1:14:24] Yeah.

[1:14:24] It does,

[1:14:24] that does sound like

[1:14:25] a subcategory on Grindr.

[1:14:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:29] Hot local Boofs.

[1:14:32] Uh,

[1:14:32] all right,

[1:14:33] we should keep it moving

[1:14:34] because we,

[1:14:34] I think we might actually

[1:14:35] get through everyone.

[1:14:35] We've got three people.

[1:14:36] Yeah,

[1:14:37] let's cap it where it is now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:37] If you've got another question,

[1:14:39] write it in to us

[1:14:39] and say,

[1:14:40] how is that your show

[1:14:40] and I didn't get to ask the question?

[1:14:42] And maybe we'll answer it.

[1:14:42] I don't know how it works.

[1:14:43] Sir,

Jordan Morris

[1:14:44] you've got a question?

[1:14:45] Hi,

[1:14:45] Derek,

[1:14:46] last name I held.

[1:14:46] Hello.

[1:14:47] Hello.

[1:14:47] I think I saw

[1:14:48] Nightmare on Elm Street

[1:14:49] when I was about seven,

[1:14:50] just because my aunt let us.

[1:14:52] But my question was,

[1:14:53] what movie did you see

[1:14:54] that you probably

[1:14:55] shouldn't have seen

[1:14:56] at a young age,

[1:14:57] either due to your own sneakiness

[1:14:58] or just complete

[1:14:59] parental neglect?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] I think,

[1:15:01] I believe I've told this story

[1:15:02] before on the podcast

[1:15:03] and when I was,

[1:15:04] I think,

[1:15:04] eight years old,

[1:15:04] my dad said,

[1:15:05] hey,

[1:15:06] my friend let me Robocop.

[1:15:07] He says it's really cool.

[1:15:10] Let's watch it.

[1:15:11] And when ED-209

[1:15:12] shot that guy

[1:15:13] and his chest exploded,

[1:15:15] I put my hands

[1:15:15] in front of my eyes

[1:15:16] and then I slowly

[1:15:17] pulled my hands down.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:20] It's movies

[1:15:22] that we shouldn't have seen

[1:15:22] at a young age?

[1:15:23] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:24] Well,

[1:15:25] I think I told it actually

[1:15:26] on the podcast before

[1:15:27] that my brothers,

[1:15:28] like I have two older brothers,

[1:15:29] one's 10 years older than me,

[1:15:31] one's 13 years older than me,

[1:15:32] so they like to torture me

[1:15:34] and they like,

[1:15:35] they pulled all the curtains

[1:15:37] closed in the living room,

[1:15:38] made it as dark as possible

[1:15:39] and forced me to watch

[1:15:40] Poltergeist and Aliens.

[1:15:42] Oh.

[1:15:43] So,

[1:15:44] I mean,

[1:15:45] this is a lot better

[1:15:45] than the other thing

[1:15:46] that they would do,

[1:15:47] which is put a pillow

[1:15:47] over my head

[1:15:48] until it was very...

Jordan Morris

[1:15:50] And try to kill you.

[1:15:51] Until it was very close

[1:15:52] to me being dead.

[1:15:52] All right, Dan,

[1:15:53] we're Toby Hooper completists.

[1:15:55] Yeah.

[1:15:57] My parents are big Caligula heads.

[1:15:59] Next question.

[1:15:59] Oh, okay.

[1:16:00] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:02] They're like,

[1:16:02] look at this amazing cast.

Jordan Morris

[1:16:05] You don't think they'll fuck,

[1:16:07] but did they do?

[1:16:08] It was a different time.

[1:16:09] It was the 70s.

[1:16:10] They were all on blow.

[1:16:11] Yeah.

S4

[1:16:12] Oh, hi, guys.

[1:16:13] I'm Mary Kate.

[1:16:15] There's something

[1:16:16] that the Floth House

[1:16:17] has taught me.

[1:16:17] Actually,

[1:16:17] I've probably always known this,

[1:16:19] but when a movie starts with,

[1:16:22] you know,

[1:16:22] my mother always told me

[1:16:23] this story

[1:16:23] or prophecy foretells of.

[1:16:25] So, like,

[1:16:26] what are your other,

[1:16:27] like,

[1:16:28] rules for, like,

[1:16:29] bad movies?

[1:16:30] When something happens

[1:16:31] in a movie

[1:16:31] and you're like,

[1:16:32] oh, no,

[1:16:33] it's going to be like this.

[1:16:34] Like,

[1:16:34] what is your bad movie

[1:16:35] signifiers like that?

Jordan Morris

[1:16:38] I just want to say,

[1:16:39] Toby Hooper wrote Alien.

[1:16:40] That was why

[1:16:41] I made that Toby Hooper.

[1:16:41] He did not write Alien.

[1:16:43] Did he not?

[1:16:44] Dan O'Bannon.

[1:16:46] Huh.

[1:16:47] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:49] And I also think

[1:16:50] you said aliens.

[1:16:51] I said aliens.

[1:16:52] Really?

[1:16:52] No, I'm sorry.

[1:16:53] You're all over the map,

[1:16:54] but let's answer this question.

[1:16:55] I mean,

[1:16:56] it's hard to top

[1:16:57] when there's, like,

[1:16:57] a prophecy of some kind

[1:16:58] in a movie.

[1:16:59] Anytime a movie

[1:17:00] has a prophecy in it,

[1:17:01] I'm like,

[1:17:01] well,

[1:17:01] you just removed

[1:17:02] the agency

[1:17:02] of all the characters

[1:17:03] in the movie

[1:17:04] and I kind of

[1:17:05] don't care anymore.

[1:17:06] So, anytime there's, like,

[1:17:07] there's a legend,

[1:17:08] da, da, da, da, da,

[1:17:09] or a prophecy foretells,

[1:17:11] blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

[1:17:11] you know, like,

[1:17:12] it turns out

[1:17:13] you're not a person

[1:17:14] who, through hard work

[1:17:16] and circumstance,

[1:17:17] became a hero.

[1:17:18] Your mom is an alien

[1:17:19] and that's why,

[1:17:20] and you were destined

[1:17:21] to do this.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] I don't like it.

[1:17:22] This is not exactly

[1:17:24] the answer to this question,

[1:17:25] but it's more like

[1:17:26] just something

[1:17:27] that I don't like

[1:17:27] in movies,

[1:17:28] but any comedy

[1:17:29] that seems built around

[1:17:30] the idea of

[1:17:31] some misunderstanding

[1:17:32] ruining someone's life

[1:17:34] slowly,

[1:17:36] like, any movie,

[1:17:37] like, that's not funny

[1:17:38] to me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:39] they're desperately unhappy and everything's going wrong

Dan McCoy

[1:17:46] I just can't take it

[1:17:48] I can't take that in a movie

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:49] I would have trouble with that in sitcoms

[1:17:51] the moment where somebody walks in on somebody

[1:17:54] and it looks like they're cheating on them

[1:17:56] or something, they're making out with another girl

[1:17:57] I'd be like, I know this is going to be explained away in ten minutes

[1:18:00] but I don't like it

[1:18:01] I don't like this feeling of tension and embarrassment

[1:18:04] I'm an anxious person

Dan McCoy

[1:18:07] that's basically what that comes down to me

Jordan Morris

[1:18:09] the airline ticket thing

[1:18:11] can't handle it

[1:18:13] don't want to see it

[1:18:14] thank you

[1:18:16] and I'll go to that

S5

[1:18:19] there's nobody there

[1:18:20] my name's Johan

[1:18:23] when I was six or seven

[1:18:25] and when I used to live here in LA

[1:18:26] my mom took me to watch Terminator 3 in the theater

[1:18:29] wait, how old were you when Terminator 3 came out?

[1:18:32] I don't recall

[1:18:33] I was young and I still lived in LA

[1:18:34] which means that I was at most eight

[1:18:36] you made me feel like an old man

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:38] so thanks

[1:18:38] and I know it was T3

[1:18:40] I believe I was in college when that movie came out

S5

[1:18:42] oh, I'm in college now

[1:18:43] should I drop out of college?

[1:18:44] I'm just kidding

[1:18:44] so did you ever watch a movie young?

[1:18:48] I think someone alluded to this

[1:18:49] I was traumatized by that movie

[1:18:52] like I would open the curtain

[1:18:53] to make sure there was a Terminator

[1:18:54] I would walk away from cars that were parked

[1:18:56] because she makes one come alive

[1:18:57] there's a scene, right?

[1:18:59] has there been a movie that you watched

[1:19:00] maybe too young

[1:19:01] that traumatized you for like months

[1:19:03] maybe

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:04] yeah, traumatized

[1:19:05] that still happens to me

[1:19:07] like there's nothing

[1:19:09] there's nothing scarier to me

[1:19:10] than the idea that

[1:19:11] I'm gonna suddenly turn

[1:19:13] and there's someone standing there

[1:19:14] looking in a window at me

[1:19:15] or like

[1:19:16] if I'm lying in bed

[1:19:18] this especially happens

[1:19:19] if my family for whatever reason

[1:19:20] is out of town

[1:19:20] or I'm out of town

[1:19:21] I'm lying in bed

[1:19:22] the scariest thing I can think of

[1:19:23] is that someone's just gonna walk

[1:19:24] through a doorway

[1:19:25] and that I don't expect to be there

[1:19:26] it frightens me so much

[1:19:28] and I lie there thinking about just that

[1:19:30] so like

[1:19:30] so I went to see

[1:19:32] so I saw a mother recently

[1:19:33] and there's so many scenes in that

[1:19:34] where she'll like

[1:19:35] turn on the light

[1:19:36] and there's somebody outside

[1:19:37] looking at her through a window

[1:19:38] and I'm like

[1:19:39] oh god

[1:19:39] oh that's

[1:19:40] and so that's been happening to me

[1:19:41] a lot lately

[1:19:42] where I go around my house at night

[1:19:43] just making sure the doors are locked

[1:19:44] and I look away from the windows

[1:19:46] because if there's a creepy guy

[1:19:47] looking at me through the window

[1:19:48] I don't want to know about it

Dan McCoy

[1:19:49] don't want to see it

[1:19:51] don't want to know about it

[1:19:52] yeah

[1:19:53] this isn't a

[1:19:54] this isn't a childhood thing either

[1:19:55] but like

[1:19:56] I watched

[1:19:57] Lights Out

[1:19:58] the short that the movie Lights Out

[1:20:00] was based on

[1:20:01] okay bragging

[1:20:02] I did not

[1:20:02] I saw the full length

[1:20:06] the movie Lights Out

[1:20:06] and I was like

[1:20:07] oh this is kind of boring

[1:20:07] I don't know

[1:20:08] whatever

[1:20:08] but the short

[1:20:09] is like such a simple premise

[1:20:10] like a monster that just comes

[1:20:12] when the lights are out

[1:20:13] and after that

[1:20:16] like that evening

[1:20:17] I was like

[1:20:18] I was scared of the dark again

[1:20:19] I was walking around

[1:20:21] just like

[1:20:22] alright

[1:20:22] I'm in this room

[1:20:23] gotta turn the light on

[1:20:24] alright

[1:20:24] now before I get over this other

[1:20:26] I gotta turn the light on over here

[1:20:27] before I turn the other one

[1:20:28] like I'm

[1:20:29] staggering my lights

[1:20:31] across the way

[1:20:31] going to bed

[1:20:32] and

Jordan Morris

[1:20:33] kind of thinking about

[1:20:34] sleeping with the lights on

[1:20:35] a little bit

[1:20:36] so that one got me

[1:20:38] Jordan

[1:20:39] I just fear a future

[1:20:40] where all restaurants

[1:20:41] are Taco Bell

[1:20:42] that would be sad

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:44] demolition man

[1:20:45] yeah

[1:20:45] it would be tough

[1:20:46] thank you

[1:20:47] it would solve our

[1:20:48] nation's dangerous

[1:20:48] gordita shortage

[1:20:49] alright

[1:20:51] last question

[1:20:52] this is the last question

[1:20:53] a lot of pressure

[1:20:54] a lot of pressure

[1:20:55] I know

[1:20:55] big pressure

Jordan Morris

[1:20:57] Cruz Flores

[1:20:58] middle name withheld

[1:20:59] oh Cruz

[1:21:00] yes hi

[1:21:01] I know your brother too

[1:21:02] you've done a lot of

[1:21:06] you've watched a lot of movies

[1:21:07] and most of them have been

[1:21:09] either terrible

[1:21:09] or forgettable

[1:21:10] but

[1:21:11] have you ever

[1:21:12] either watched

[1:21:14] a flop house movie

[1:21:15] again

[1:21:15] a second time

[1:21:16] or even just

[1:21:17] thought about it

[1:21:18] and had good feelings

[1:21:19] about it

[1:21:20] that more than you thought

[1:21:21] you would

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:22] I'll tell you this

[1:21:23] the sappy answer is

[1:21:24] every time I think about

[1:21:25] these movies

[1:21:25] I have good feelings

[1:21:26] because it reminds me

[1:21:26] of hanging out

[1:21:27] with my friends

[1:21:28] talking to movies

[1:21:30] talking to two movies

[1:21:32] talking about movies

[1:21:33] but otherwise

[1:21:34] no

[1:21:34] Dan

[1:21:35] wait what did you say

[1:21:38] I said otherwise

[1:21:39] no

[1:21:39] I think about like

[1:21:40] oh it's fun

[1:21:40] when I say that

[1:21:41] with Dan Stewart

[1:21:41] but I don't know

[1:21:42] that there's any

[1:21:42] of the movies

[1:21:43] reference

[1:21:43] I'm like

[1:21:43] you know what

[1:21:44] on second thought

[1:21:46] 10,000 BC

[1:21:47] had some good stuff

[1:21:48] going on in it

Dan McCoy

[1:21:49] I know who killed me

[1:21:52] I know a good movie

[1:21:53] yeah I think that

[1:21:56] maybe we should just

[1:21:57] end on that

[1:21:58] heartwarming note

[1:21:58] that you just gave

[1:21:59] about friendship

[1:22:00] because

[1:22:01] I can't think of one either

[1:22:03] because to me

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] you know

[1:22:04] the flop house

[1:22:05] isn't just about movies

[1:22:06] it's about three

[1:22:06] best buds

[1:22:07] hanging out

[1:22:08] it's inseparable

[1:22:10] together forever

[1:22:11] where one goes

[1:22:13] all three go

[1:22:13] always together

[1:22:15] never

[1:22:16] ever apart

[1:22:17] just you

[1:22:19] and me

[1:22:20] and

[1:22:20] no but that's

[1:22:25] yeah

[1:22:25] it's all

[1:22:26] yeah

[1:22:26] good bit

[1:22:28] good bit

[1:22:29] yeah thanks

[1:22:29] very good bit

[1:22:31] kind of petered out

[1:22:32] at the end

[1:22:32] you know

Dan McCoy

[1:22:33] no I thought it was great

[1:22:34] I thought it was great

[1:22:35] you did great

[1:22:35] oh thanks buddy

[1:22:36] so

[1:22:38] that's it

[1:22:39] I mean that's what we do

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:40] let's have kind of

[1:22:41] a bigger ending

[1:22:42] that's what we do

[1:22:43] that's what we do

[1:22:44] that's the way it works folks

[1:22:46] and so

[1:22:48] Dan

[1:22:49] yeah

[1:22:50] for the flop house

[1:22:52] who have we been

Dan McCoy

[1:22:53] all right

[1:22:54] well I was gonna thank

[1:22:55] everyone for coming out

[1:22:55] because it's very special

[1:22:56] to be here

[1:22:57] on the west coast

[1:22:58] for the first time

[1:22:59] someone say the best coast

[1:23:01] pander pander pander pander pander pander

[1:23:06] for the flop house

Jordan Morris

[1:23:08] I've been Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:09] I've been Elliot Kalin

Jordan Morris

[1:23:10] I'm Jordan Morris

[1:23:11] filling in for Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:13] thank you so much for being here everybody

[1:23:15] thank you

[1:23:15] we really appreciate it

[1:23:17] yeah

[1:23:18] yeah

[1:23:19] yeah

[1:23:20] so Dan

[1:23:31] usually we start off

[1:23:33] by doing our little

[1:23:34] intro

[1:23:35] dealie

[1:23:35] where you announce

[1:23:36] what the movie is

[1:23:37] and then I say

[1:23:38] something

[1:23:38] or Stuart says something

[1:23:39] or in this case

[1:23:40] Jordan

Dan McCoy

[1:23:40] yeah

[1:23:42] thanks for explaining

[1:23:43] thanks for mansplaining

[1:23:44] my podcast to me

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:45] Elliot

[1:23:46] I just want to make sure

[1:23:47] you understand these things

[1:23:48] hey

[1:23:49] you seem tense

[1:23:50] this whole night

Jordan Morris

[1:23:53] has taken a turn

[1:23:54] I don't care for

[1:23:54] also I don't like

[1:23:57] the implication

[1:23:57] that I'll have to say something

[1:23:59] very fair

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:01] all right

[1:24:01] oh wait

[1:24:02] we got to delay again

[1:24:03] because Dan has to open a thing

[1:24:04] once it was a phone

[1:24:05] now it's a bottle

[1:24:06] what's it gonna be next time

[1:24:08] a chrysalis

[1:24:09] that has formed around him

[1:24:11] delicious

Dan McCoy

[1:24:13] maximumfun.org

[1:24:16] Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Ep. #242 - Rings LIVE!

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