Ep. #304 - Zarkorr! The Invader

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Zarkor, the invader!

[0:04] Zzzz from Mars?

[0:06] No, just the invader.

[0:09] Oh, okay.

[0:09] Don't worry, we hadn't heard of it either.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] Oh, hey Dan. It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] And over here in Los Angeles, it's Elliot Kalin.

[0:48] Living in a different time zone, which occasionally causes scheduling problems.

[0:52] But you know what? We're three friends who pull together through thick and thin.

[0:56] So we get over it.

[0:58] Do you remember that time?

[0:59] Do you remember that time when Stuart was late for his own wedding?

[1:02] And, oh, boy, we had to drive him cross-country in only 17 hours to get him there.

[1:08] And it was crazy.

[1:09] And that song, ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da, was playing the entire time.

[1:13] Do you guys remember the time that the pharaoh wanted to entertain his queen?

[1:19] So this, like, kind of rapscallion character showed up at court.

[1:22] I think he, like, morphed out of a pile of sand.

[1:25] And then he sang a song.

[1:27] I remember that time.

[1:28] And then you sing a song about being in love with the queen, and you're like, what?

[1:32] I get what's going on.

[1:33] That was crazy.

[1:34] I feel like Elliot bringing up our scheduling difficulties now is him laying the groundwork

[1:39] so I'm not mad at him later when we try and hash out how we're going to schedule things.

[1:44] Yeah, little does he know that that's making Dan even more angry.

[1:48] Oh, no.

[1:49] Well, it does remind me of that time when, similarly, the pharaoh asked me to sing a

[1:55] song to entertain his bride and i sang a song about how i was in love with the bride and then

[1:59] i was and then they were like yeah michael jackson just sang that song yesterday and i was like what

[2:03] yeah um yeah your eyes popped out of your head okay yeah like a tech savory wolf let me explain

[2:11] a few things number one we're the flop house first principles we're the flop house we watch

[2:15] bad movie and then we talk about it number two the movie that we watched uh this time around

[2:22] is not our usual thing of recent movies.

[2:26] We've done a few movies in the theater recently.

[2:29] Normally we do stuff that's new to streaming or DVD, but anyway.

[2:32] And usually it's a big budget spectacular.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] Or at the very least, whatever horror movie we could find at the moment.

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] This week, though, we're getting around to finally—

[2:44] It's more like a mumblecore arthouse movie, right?

[2:46] Yep, Zarkor the mumblecore.

[2:49] Yeah, sure.

[2:50] yeah after after months and months of other stuff that we kind of had to like run through we are

[2:55] getting around to the contest winners who designed our flop house merch oh great and doing one of the

[3:03] prizes was to pick a movie for us to talk about and the first uh contest winner there were two

[3:09] the first one is elizabeth steggy i asked her how she pronounces her name and i believe that is

[3:16] correct steggy steggy like a nickname for a stegosaurus in a kid's cartoon show that's what

[3:22] yeah that's what she said she said it starts like stegosaurus and then there's an e at the end

[3:26] or like what would be what like plates uh fin what would be a good nickname for a stegosaurus

[3:33] i mean i think either steggy or like yeah maybe maybe plates could be it you know if he's like

[3:39] a rapper and they call him plates i mean or if he works out a lot and he's always pushing plates

[3:44] around yeah that's true or a bus boy is always carrying plates yeah let me just tell you bad

[3:50] idea to hire a stegosaurus as a bus boy one they can't stand on their hind legs for very long so

[3:54] they can't carry the plates two you got that thagomizer at the end of their tail that's the

[3:58] actual scientific word thagomizer uh for the spikes it was decided uh gary larson did a joke

[4:04] about it in the far side and scientists realized oh we don't actually have a name for it so i guess

[4:09] we'll just call it that so it's called a thagomizer but uh it's while it's swinging that thing back

[4:14] and forth, bussing tables, you know it's just

[4:16] killing people. You know, it's just impaling

[4:18] them on the spikes. And then

[4:20] you got the worst problem at all. Stegosaurus

[4:22] has got a tiny little pea brain. It's roughly

[4:24] the size of a walnut. And people are going to want

[4:26] to eat that delicious walnut. So they're just going

[4:28] to crack open the head of your busboy,

[4:29] dip out that walnut, and then you got to get a new busboy.

[4:32] You know what? I got to tear up my

[4:34] business plan now. Yeah. Now here's

[4:36] another bad one to hire as a busboy.

[4:38] Tyrannosaurus rex. Little bitty arms.

[4:40] Can't carry a lot of plates.

[4:42] Well, wait. I've never heard

[4:44] heard that i always thought tyrannosaurus rex's were the ones with like super big long arms

[4:48] no that's just that one tyrannosaurus rex that has the workout tapes that are called blast your

[4:53] tit your itty bitty arms yep blast them yep yeah it's it's called tommy t-rex itty bitty arm blaster

[4:59] what if i got theodore rex to be my bus boy now then you're just gonna have a lot of shenanigans

[5:04] and you're also gonna have to deal with whoopi goldberg hanging around the restaurant i mean

[5:08] that's great who wouldn't want she'll bring a huge star yeah she'll well she'll bring in billy

[5:12] crystal that's who she'll bring in that's about it yeah um guys let me get to what i was gonna say

[5:19] okay which is uh i asked elizabeth uh to contribute a little you know a few words

[5:25] saying why she chose of all movies this movie that no one has heard of zarkor the invader okay

[5:31] uh and she said zarkor is quite possibly my favorite b movie and it's not one of the better

[5:37] known one so i suppose i mostly just want to share it with others i found it a at a going out of

[5:43] business sale for a video rental joint sometime around 2004 for me it strikes that perfect balance

[5:50] of being overacted and dumb cheaply made etc but with the occasional moments of brilliance and

[5:56] several aspects that are genuinely unique and interesting it's funny i would have thought that

[5:59] like rentals of zarkor would have saved the business but i guess not i don't know if you'll

[6:04] feel the same way but i love how fucked up the alien race is how terribly the protagonist reacts

[6:09] to suddenly needing to save the world i think i would do a similar shit job of it to be honest

[6:15] how cryptozoology is apparently a thing but cryptozoologists sure as fuck don't believe in

[6:19] aliens and how thoroughly uncharismatic and awful the nerdy hacker character is also it has a rad

[6:26] closing theme i don't know it's full moon features doing a kaiju flick if nothing else that's fairly

[6:33] unique i hope you guys enjoy watching it oh boy did we ever don't want to rush to the end

[6:39] stewart were you excited when the full moon logo came up and you saw charles band's name in the

[6:44] opening credits yeah yeah i hopped up out of my chair and i started running in circles while lying

[6:49] on the ground yeah the old whoop whoop whoop and then you said oh what a good boy am i and i did

[6:55] i did it so fast that i bored a hole in the ground and i went to the center of the earth

[6:59] and i told the magmen and they came back and watched the movie with me oh did i mean did

[7:04] they like it not to jump to spinal judgments how did the magmen feel about it oh they were

[7:08] kind of concerned about its portrayal of well i don't want to talk about it okay well why don't

[7:13] we get into it zark or the invader starts as many spine tingling terrifying movies begin

[7:19] with 90 seconds of the plainest credits i've ever seen it is just like they said what is the

[7:24] what is the cheapest font that we can get well this is the font that comes with the video editing

[7:29] software you're going to use just give it to me great perfect yes of course uh we then go to mount

[7:35] aurora california at 10 10 p.m do you just say care do you say california wrong i don't think i

[7:42] did uh let's check the tape we go to mount aurora kagalagalaga you're right stewart i did on

[7:50] reviewing the tape instead of saying california i said kagalagalaga which is not the name of that

[7:54] state and i should know i live here yeah so you checked your driver's license right before saying

[8:00] that word just to make sure i was pronouncing it right because california it has the pronunciation

[8:05] on the license because this state is full of dumb people as we know from 80s movies about

[8:10] the entertainment broken down fanatically exactly uh and broken down emotionally yeah uh dumb 80s

[8:17] movies like less than zero and and what and yeah yeah and uh sophie's choice yeah and uh you know

[8:25] uh other 80s movies like children of a lesser god howard's end like your classic california movies

[8:30] you know uh so anyway we're in california it's 10 10 p.m this will become important because the

[8:36] time is the same everywhere in the world despite how time works in real life as we'll see uh and

[8:42] 10.10 p.m. is most exciting because it's the tin-tin of times,

[8:47] if you pronounce it Dan McCoy way.

[8:48] Yeah, that's true.

[8:49] Now, Dan, did you think that tin-tin, the cartoon boy,

[8:52] was that his name was just 10.10 and he was a robot?

[8:54] No, I can read and understand words, and I'm not confused by that.

[9:02] Also, unlike, I guess, both of you guys.

[9:05] Are you guys talking about tan-tan?

[9:06] Unlike, I guess, both of you, I can understand words via context clues.

[9:12] Like, I can think, like, oh, he's probably not thinking of the metal tin.

[9:16] He's thinking of the number 10.

[9:18] And so, like, I mean, homonyms do exist in the world, guys.

[9:24] Are you confused by those regularly in your—

[9:28] I mean, I just—I worried that you would be listening to Love Shack, the hit song by the B-52s,

[9:32] and they'd say, tin roof rusted, and you'd go, tin roofs?

[9:35] What kind of mansion is this?

[9:36] Uh-huh, and they're all rusted.

[9:37] Better get to work.

[9:38] I wouldn't call that a shack.

[9:39] Tin roofs on a shack?

[9:41] Oh, boy.

[9:42] Anyway, it's Mount Aurora, California.

[9:44] It's 10, 10 p.m.

[9:45] And a pack of blue-collar Joes witness an avalanche from which a monster emerges, which we later learn is the titular Zarkor.

[9:52] And he's kind of like, you know, how would you describe him?

[9:54] He's like Godzilla, but he's got devil horns and not a lot of lower body movement, mainly just waist up.

[10:02] And you would kind of assume this from the movie, but if you do any research on the film,

[10:09] I guess they just sort of had these special effects

[10:12] and wrote a movie around them.

[10:14] Oh, cool.

[10:15] That seems, I mean, I don't know how you get that.

[10:17] I mean, the fact that the hero of the film

[10:19] and Zarkor the monster almost never appear

[10:21] in the same scene, let alone on camera together.

[10:24] Zarkor's kind of unsteady on his feet,

[10:27] which is understandable.

[10:28] There's fire and magma erupting behind him.

[10:30] And he just woke up.

[10:31] And he just, that's true.

[10:32] Who knows how long he's been sleeping for.

[10:34] That's true.

[10:34] But he does manage to destroy a miniature gas station.

[10:37] cut to newark new jersey 11 30 p.m yeah we we hover over the skyline of the sprawling cityscape

[10:43] of newark new jersey not since not since the hbo production uh logo have i seen a miniature city

[10:51] created with such just love in every single bit of it and yet it still looks like a tiny little

[10:57] miniature now i gotta say that this is one thing i appreciate about the movie because like the movie

[11:02] does this transition where the camera

[11:04] is zooming through these

[11:05] miniatures to go

[11:08] into this guy's apartment

[11:09] window, and

[11:11] the movie could have been satisfied

[11:14] by just going out on the street

[11:15] and doing a static establishing

[11:18] shot of a building.

[11:19] And no one would be any of the wiser.

[11:22] Throw in the Seinfeld

[11:24] baseline right in there.

[11:25] You got an intro. The movie is like,

[11:28] no, we got to swoop through these skyscrapers.

[11:30] Dan, Dan, they want to get

[11:32] across the excitement the enthusiasm the exuberance of newark new jersey which is you know it's the

[11:38] hottest city on the east coast as you know and as a new jersey boy i was like finally newark is

[11:42] getting its due small quibble 11 30 p.m at newark new jersey is actually two hours before the events

[11:49] we just saw in california at 10 10 p.m again this seems to exist in a world where there are no time

[11:54] zones and it's the same time everywhere in the world and that really threw me off uh as we'll

[12:00] see as we go on time it took it took you out of the proposition it yeah it after after real i was

[12:04] like zarkor puppet monster that walks out of a mountain i totally buy it and destroys a very

[12:10] realistic looking mountain town yeah newark new jersey looks totally like a real miniature city

[12:15] i am buying this 11 30 hold on a second hold on i found the one plot hole in zarkor the invader

[12:22] and and this is where we're introduced to our hero right tommy the postal worker who watches

[12:26] cartoons at night yes it's 11 30 at night he is still in his postal worker uniform so either he

[12:31] is leaving to work the night shift or that's the only clothing he owns is his one uniform like a

[12:37] cartoon character which it is makes sense because he's watching cartoons on his tv in his kitchen

[12:41] when a tiny woman materializes on the counter and tells him that she is a mental projection

[12:47] sorry uh so audrey bought me uh this little soundboard for uh for christmas and i thought

[12:54] that, you know, just to spice things up,

[12:56] make things a little more like a morning zoo crew,

[12:58] I could, you know, just toss in a few little drops

[13:02] every once in a while.

[13:03] Sure, yeah, yeah, give us another drop.

[13:04] Yeah, so let me reset you up.

[13:06] So a tiny woman who is an alien

[13:08] materializes in his apartment.

[13:10] Oh, shit.

[13:13] Wait.

[13:14] So she fell off a cliff?

[13:18] Yeah, you know, I don't know how she materialized there.

[13:21] Maybe she jumps into a portal.

[13:24] When she gave you this, did she say this ought to spice things up a little bit?

[13:27] Because you might be using it wrong, if that's the case.

[13:29] I don't know.

[13:31] I think I know what you're implying.

[13:34] I'm not quite sure how that would work.

[13:35] I mean, I assume that this is, Dan, and I don't want to air your dirty laundry on the podcast too much in public.

[13:41] But I have to assume that a lot of your love play involves you being the wolf from a Tex Avery cartoon.

[13:47] I mean, that is kind of my personality to some degree.

[13:52] But, yeah, I don't think it's not integrated, let's say.

[13:55] Yeah, that you're some kind of a beast and partially in the shape of a man

[13:59] forced to wear a man's clothing.

[14:01] But deep down, you're a boiling cauldron of sexual energy.

[14:06] I assume constantly painful eyes from all the popping that happens.

[14:09] Certainly.

[14:10] It must hurt.

[14:11] And when your head turns into a steam whistle, that can't feel good.

[14:13] Yeah.

[14:14] Well, anyway, I'm going to set this soundboard aside for just a second.

[14:17] And then, you know, like every once in a while, maybe it'll come back.

[14:20] Sounds great.

[14:21] I love it.

[14:22] I mean, we have been talking, you know,

[14:23] we've been doing this show for a little while now, guys.

[14:25] And we've been talking about ways to spice things up.

[14:28] And I think this is a step in the right direction, Tane.

[14:30] I like it.

[14:31] I just wanted to be proactive, guys.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] Well, you're picking up stones and seeing what's underneath.

[14:37] And as often happens, you find great things

[14:41] when you pick up a stone and look what's underneath.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:43] It's rare the times that I've picked up a stone

[14:47] and looked underneath and not been like,

[14:48] this is good.

[14:49] I'm glad I found this.

[14:50] Yeah.

[14:51] I've been playing a lot of Legend of Zelda, and a lot of times when I pick up stones, there's just, like, rupees sitting there, and I'm like, okay.

[14:58] Guess I'm going to India.

[15:01] So, anyway, this tiny woman materializes and tells him, I'm a mental projection from a superior alien race.

[15:08] We have set a monster, Zarkor, to destroy the Earth unless you can stop him.

[15:13] It's a test of humanity, and we picked you because you are the most middling, non-exciting, average man out there.

[15:19] And his response is, his immediate response is, okay.

[15:23] Just kind of a little resigned.

[15:25] And I wish they had run with that because then he's like, wait, wait, this is crazy.

[15:28] But I love the idea of somebody being told that and just being like, oh, okay.

[15:33] Like, what do I do?

[15:34] Yeah, I mean, he certainly has a put-upon, he has a certain put-upon energy when explained that he is the only one who can stop them.

[15:43] In fact, we have one of my favorite line readings in the movie.

[15:47] How in God's name am I supposed to fight a 180-foot dinosaur?

[15:51] How am I supposed to fight a 180-foot dinosaur?

[15:55] Now, I just like that Stuart noticed Dan's soundboard game

[15:59] and decided to immediately obliterate him by taking it to the third level.

[16:02] Wow.

[16:10] Was that one bite?

[16:11] Yeah, he was saving that one for a big slam-oo moment.

[16:16] So this alien, who is basically like if that alien that talks to Fred Flintstone was played by Amy Dolenz.

[16:25] Yeah, a great kazoo character.

[16:27] Yeah, yeah.

[16:28] Or if you mix the great kazoo with Christina Applegate from Married with Children, and you get this character.

[16:34] Yeah, and there's a moment where he's like, why do you look the way you look?

[16:37] And she's like, well, the alien intelligence is trying to come up with a form that you find the least intimidating.

[16:45] And I'm like, guys, if you think that a guy like him is not intimidated by young, scantily clad women, you are wrong, my friend.

[16:55] Very good point.

[16:57] Very good point.

[16:57] Unless she is three inches tall.

[16:59] Maybe that's the compensation.

[17:00] Yeah, you're right.

[17:01] So at night while he's sleeping, she can just crawl into his mouth and pull all his teeth out?

[17:07] That's pretty scary.

[17:08] What does she even need all those teeth for?

[17:12] That's a good question.

[17:15] You know.

[17:16] Is she going to use it like it is an ottoman or something?

[17:19] She knows the monster from the first season of Channel Zero.

[17:26] And she's trying to replenish his body.

[17:29] She also tells him, she informs him also that life has no meaning and there's no life after death.

[17:35] That was great.

[17:36] I love that.

[17:36] He accepts that pretty easily.

[17:38] Now, this notion of him being like the absolute mean human being, the middle of the road.

[17:45] By mean, you mean average, not like, ooh, urgh, not like a bully.

[17:50] Well, he says he's the mean later, so I used that term, but I guess it was confusing.

[17:55] This notion of him—

[17:57] No, I also—I think that's his rap name, the mean.

[17:59] Okay.

[18:00] But him being the most average person on Earth.

[18:05] Now, I feel like maybe I've seen this in science fiction before, this notion.

[18:10] I don't know where, though, but I did like it.

[18:13] I did like the idea of, I thought it was kind of fun, this alien race testing humanity by choosing the most average person.

[18:21] Yeah.

[18:21] And it also, the way he behaves, if he is the most average, man, ugh, woof.

[18:29] Well, I was like, oh, holding humanity to a pretty low bar if this is the average.

[18:34] Because his plan is to go kidnap somebody, basically.

[18:37] I love it.

[18:38] They turn on the news, and the news is interviewing a pretty cryptozoologist named Stephanie Martin.

[18:43] But the news anchor is not really interested in Stephanie's answers and keeps cutting her off because she's bored by what she's saying.

[18:50] And she's basically like, sorry, I missed it.

[18:53] What was that one, Dan?

[18:54] Sorry, I thought this was appropriate at that time.

[18:56] Whatever.

[18:56] I wanted Dan to hold up a finger so that I know to pause when the sound is coming so I can enjoy it so much.

[19:06] And the tiny lady is like, hey, write all this down.

[19:09] Zarkor can't be beaten by earth weapons, including swords.

[19:13] And she pronounces it swords, which I found amazing.

[19:15] But there are things on earth that you can use to stop him.

[19:18] And Zarkor is keyed to you.

[19:20] So he's going to travel across the country to you and kill you.

[19:22] And you've got to stop him.

[19:23] But here's a hint.

[19:24] Zarkor contains the key to his own destruction.

[19:27] And you better act fast, Tommy.

[19:29] And then she disappears.

[19:31] And we never see her again in the film, which is too bad.

[19:33] because I liked that Great Gazoo type chemistry that they had together.

[19:36] Yeah, well, I mean, she talks about how he's the only one who can see her

[19:41] because she's projecting into his mind.

[19:43] And so I assumed that she would come back later on,

[19:46] and that would be like a plot point that he's the only one who can see her

[19:50] and everyone thinks he's crazy.

[19:51] I like the point when this very average man,

[19:54] when she's explaining the rules of the movie to him,

[19:57] she's like, you might want to get a pencil and paper.

[19:59] And he's like, oh, do I have to?

[20:02] How about I just use a tape recorder?

[20:04] And she's like, of course, that wouldn't work because only you can hear me and yada, yada, yada.

[20:09] But she does not become part of his team of heroes that he assembles.

[20:13] So Zarkor, meanwhile, in between most of the Tommy scenes is just footage of Zarkor stomping around different towns, blowing up miniatures.

[20:20] Just assume that every time we're not watching Tommy, we're watching Zarkor just kind of like making his way across the country in the dark.

[20:28] It's always nighttime wherever Zarkor is.

[20:30] It's never daytime.

[20:31] Perhaps he brings a plague of darkness with him, a cloud cover that blots out the life-giving sun.

[20:36] But more likely, they just didn't think that much about it, and the darkness really hides the fact that it's like a puppet suit that they're using.

[20:43] Oh, okay.

[20:43] I would assume.

[20:45] So anyway, 1.33 a.m., Tommy, for some reason, has taken two hours to get his act together and gone down to the news station so that he can essentially go find the cryptozoologist.

[20:56] This takes the form of him creeping her out and ends with him in a standoff holding a gun to her with the security guards.

[21:02] I kind of loved this development because it was like, okay, you're going to save the world.

[21:08] This guy immediately gets himself into a hostage situation.

[21:13] It's kind of, it reminded me a lot of, like, the times that I've seen an intricately plotted role-playing game and the characters immediately, like, get themselves into deep shit by doing something dumb.

[21:26] Like, 30 minutes into this movie, we're in, like, a tense hostage situation.

[21:31] Like, man, this is not going to help them stop Zarkor.

[21:34] No, and I have to admit, at the time, I was like, come on, dude.

[21:38] But then I started thinking about it and I was like, well, what would I do in that situation?

[21:42] Could I have come up with a better plan than try to kidnap a cryptozoologist I saw on TV?

[21:46] Probably not.

[21:48] What this also implies is that the news station just has her on call at the studio all night to cover, I guess, during their live coverage of the Zarkor invasion as he walks across the town.

[21:57] I mean, that's the life of a cryptozoologist.

[21:59] I like that the security guards are like, he's like, you can't take me to jail.

[22:04] And they're like, yeah, we can't.

[22:06] We're just security guards.

[22:07] But we have guns and we can kill you.

[22:11] They're not great security guards.

[22:12] There's one that really wants to be a martyr and keeps saying, just take me out.

[22:16] Just let me go in and get him.

[22:17] And the soundtrack of the movie, this is a problem it has throughout the film,

[22:20] can't decide whether this is supposed to be a tense scene or a goofy scene.

[22:23] The music is like, bum, bum, bum, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, doo, doo, dun, doo, doo, dun,

[22:29] dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.

[22:30] And I was like, guys, how am I supposed to feel?

[22:32] You've got to help guide me through this.

[22:33] I will say the music is definitely a little overbearing.

[22:38] it's mixed pretty loud and it gets kind of mickey mousy sometimes that's how you get that full moon

[22:42] flavor baby but i also kind of like it uh and i looked it up it's by uh charles band's brother

[22:48] who did like almost all of the full moon stuff like including you know like castle freak and

[22:55] like he did the music never heard of it from beyond he did the music for reanimator like

[22:59] and you understand he's good and head of the family he's good at this he's got band in his

[23:03] name yeah music is in his blood yeah one main band um the i'm looking i'm looking now he did

[23:08] all four of the time warrior movies so he ends up he ends up taking the cryptozoologist at gunpoint

[23:15] into the bathroom and then like two cops show up and he somehow manages to convince one of the cops

[23:23] to put a gun on his partner who he describes as like a brother to him yeah so this one of the

[23:32] cops uh is a uh he's a ufo guy already yeah he's like oh see this all makes sense cattle mutilation

[23:40] crop circles it's all been there and so this cop is like you know what i'll help oh the cop's name

[23:45] is george by the way uh and he handcuffs the other cop and they go on the run and this is why i mean

[23:52] tommy's an average guy but you know what george he's kind of an average guy too and there's kind

[23:57] of like an average guy understanding between the two of them and so that's why he's like i can see

[24:02] into his soul meanwhile again zarkor he shows us now that he has eye lasers he's just blowing stuff

[24:07] up and our heroes are in the cop car and they listen to a radio report of zarkor defeating the

[24:11] air force so uh nothing can stop him there's nothing uh they tommy finally convinces stephanie

[24:18] to help that's the cryptozoologist and the three of them hide the squad car in what the chiron

[24:22] describes as the warehouse district new jersey 6 17 a.m now here's two things i love about that

[24:28] one they must have been driving around for like three hours two so this is the warehouse district

[24:33] for the whole state because usually like a city has a warehouse district i assume by warehouse

[24:38] district for new jersey they just mean the northern half of the state since the southern

[24:42] half or camden could be it could be the city of camden that's true yeah uh but as a new jersey

[24:48] guy was like yeah i guess the new jersey is kind of the warehouse district for the entire country

[24:53] but uh the specificity of it i liked anyway they argue a lot and stephanie is like i know someone

[24:58] who can help us and this is when maybe my least and most favorite character in the movie decides

[25:05] to make his entrance now uh what was his name i don't remember what it was but this is uh the

[25:09] wheelchair bound nerd hacker yeah he apparently does not like that term no he doesn't like the

[25:17] term hacker he refers to call himself a cybernaut he has a nervous laugh and is constantly talking

[25:21] he's very much the elliot calen of the movie which means he is very annoying but he's also like yeah

[25:27] he's got some he's got some serious joaquin phoenix uh vibes here but he's also like a creep so he's

[25:33] like oh did you did stephanie tell you she lost her virginity to her english teacher they talked

[25:37] about it on the phone i recorded it and it's like oh you so you're a you're a maniac like you're a

[25:41] terrible person but uh this guy he really chews the scenery and he decides he's going to get them

[25:47] some information by hacking into government weather satellites this takes roughly what half

[25:53] the movie that they're just hanging around in his lab and he's just hacking like what's going on

[25:57] with that i personally thought that this movie had like a promising beginning yeah i was thinking

[26:01] like oh this is kind of fun you know like i like the the notion of this guy being you know chosen

[26:08] to prove that humanity should still exist

[26:11] and then they go to this place

[26:13] and they're just hanging around this computer guy

[26:16] and I'm just like,

[26:17] okay, well, I'm losing interest rapidly, movie.

[26:19] Could you do something?

[26:21] Yeah, the movie begins almost like

[26:24] a Jerry Forward episode of Rick and Morty.

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] But they get really holed up at this place

[26:35] for a long time.

[26:36] Eventually, they somehow, and I couldn't quite follow their logic, decide that the monster is made out of laser light and therefore must have an off switch.

[26:44] They all just kind of accept this and run with it.

[26:47] Yeah, I don't know about the laser light part.

[26:49] I don't know how they figured that out.

[26:51] But the off switch thing, the notion, I guess, is that was the code.

[26:56] The monster holds the defeat within itself.

[27:01] Because he is the most average person in the world, this is just dumb enough, but just clever enough an idea that he would come up with it.

[27:12] Is there logic, I guess?

[27:13] Maybe.

[27:14] It's one of those things where they're like, we've got to find the off switch.

[27:17] Instead, they end up finding some other thing.

[27:19] It's not really an off switch.

[27:21] I don't know how you turn your TV off.

[27:25] I usually refocus its eye lasers back on itself.

[27:31] i don't know if that was the most appropriate one i mean you should probably save that for

[27:35] when zarkor gets defeated which is pretty soon because there's not a lot that happens in the

[27:38] movie and the movie is only an hour and 15 it's that sweet 75 minute sweet spot so anyway there's

[27:44] a lot of mumbo jumbo and radar hacking and they find out we got to go to a small town in arizona

[27:48] called williston arizona they fly there because despite the monster on the loose destroying the

[27:53] country there are still regular flights from newark to arizona to phoenix or where was it phoenix that

[27:58] they went to and then they had a rental car or something it's uh infrastructure is still working

[28:01] fine uh they go there and everyone at this town has been waiting around for some government people

[28:06] to deal with this little flying saucer that crashed into the local diner it's a little bitty

[28:10] it looks like a weber one of those little weber grills you get when you have an apartment and

[28:13] you're just going to grill on the patio and they and they show up wearing suits so everybody assumes

[28:18] they're government agents yeah and you have to assume that they were like oh here comes the men

[28:23] and black galaxy defenders here come the mibs here come the mibs the forget-me-nots yeah exactly i

[28:29] liked this too the the notion that this whole town was like uh like when they showed up like

[28:33] finally like they'd been expecting them yeah but they it's a case of mistaken identity that was

[28:38] and they're wearing they're wearing suits now because the nerd goes hey while i'm looking up

[28:42] this stuff go take them to get some clothes since since it's you a mailman and a police officer

[28:47] uh and you're not going to get too far in those uniforms and they had the opportunity for a

[28:51] shopping montage and they did not take it yeah and i'm very disappointed yeah i do love that the

[28:57] costuming in this movie feels a little bit like they just went to like whatever central casting

[29:02] uh like warehouse they could find and they're like well we have this uh postal worker uniform

[29:07] so you're gonna be a post office guy yeah because he never aside from picking up one of those postal

[29:13] bins to get into the tv studio when he first goes to meet stephanie he doesn't do anything there he

[29:17] needs to be a mailman or a post worker so you wanted to use him to use a special mailman powers

[29:23] to defeat i mean i wanted there to be a part where it's like oh what's in this arizona town

[29:28] oh williston arizona oh yeah that's zip code da da da da da there's a special mail route that goes

[29:33] there or for instance what if he's like i'll disguise myself as a letter mail myself to

[29:37] zarkor zarkor will open me i'll jump out and then i'll catch him in a bag just like lock stock and

[29:43] barrel is this some sort of flat stanley situation you're talking about or i think it would have to

[29:48] well before that he'd have to use a steamroller to flatten himself a la kevin klein at the end

[29:52] of a fish called wanda so he could fit into that envelope yeah or judge doom well he's not so much

[29:57] flattened as just pushed down into some cement okay then a judge doom scenario thank you stewart

[30:02] for correcting me uh or or or if there's a moment where like the he he had to like get to zarkor

[30:09] but the only way he could do is get past like a dog and he's like oh no my greatest enemy the dog

[30:15] i would love that or if it was like sorry i don't have a dog on there now dan i think as you may

[30:21] remember from our cats episode judy dench told us cats are not dogs i'm sorry uh that's just go

[30:26] check out the cats episode smile and stan so anyway the uh so yeah or if there's a part where

[30:32] they were like no one can get past it he's creating hail rain snow and dark of night and

[30:37] he'd be like, none of those things will stay me

[30:39] from my appointed office. Yeah, alright, I like that one.

[30:41] Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, make the most

[30:43] of it. The cop, they use a lot of his stuff. He has a

[30:45] gun, he handcuffs his partner,

[30:47] and then later on, for one minute

[30:49] he becomes very religious when they show up at the

[30:51] town, and I didn't really understand that.

[30:52] But, uh, anyway, they find this

[30:55] crash little flying saucer, and they just

[30:57] Well, it's kind of like the movie Signs, Elliot,

[30:58] that shows, like, that the difference

[31:01] like, faith, you know,

[31:03] it's the same no matter what you have faith in,

[31:05] You know, whether it's whether it's like magic or like coincidence or whether it's water killing aliens or something.

[31:12] Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. Any of those things.

[31:14] And also that I mean, aliens are out in space. They're closer to heaven. Right.

[31:19] That's actually true. Yep. Technically true.

[31:22] Heaven is not a place on Earth, despite what the song says.

[31:25] No. And hell is not for children, despite what that song says.

[31:29] So there's a lot of misperceptions about heaven and hell out there.

[31:32] Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens, though, I am told.

[31:36] I mean, that is something I have heard, but I don't know it for sure.

[31:41] I've also heard that there's a highway to hell, but I haven't seen it.

[31:45] I'm not driven on it.

[31:46] I also heard life is a highway.

[31:47] Oh, wow.

[31:48] I mean, to be honest, life, if you do it the wrong way, is a highway to hell, I assume, if there is such a thing.

[31:53] Or the right way.

[31:54] I've heard that you can also walk on sunshine, so maybe there's a highway to heaven, too.

[32:02] I also heard that children shouldn't play with dead things.

[32:05] Guys, who slew Auntie Rue?

[32:09] Guys, I want to give you some directions.

[32:12] Okay, you want to avoid the highway to hell.

[32:13] Don't take that exit.

[32:14] That highway goes to the danger zone.

[32:16] You don't want to deal with that one.

[32:18] No, no.

[32:18] Stick to this one, the highway to heaven.

[32:20] I also heard that don't tell mom the babysitter's dead.

[32:25] You heard that?

[32:26] But don't tell her it's me also.

[32:29] Don't tell her it's me, a.k.a. the boyfriend's school.

[32:32] okay but guys but guys but guys who's harry crumb

[32:37] john candy one more question for you one more question okay what about bob

[32:46] okay all right sorry what sound was that that was that was an oh yeah like uh like a sort of a

[32:57] Oh, like the song by Yellow, as seen in the Twix commercials, Smile and Stand.

[33:03] Anyway, the heroes take this little flying saucer, and Tommy is like, we've got to head straight to Zarkor.

[33:08] It kind of looks like an old-timey construction worker's hat, but real big.

[33:12] Yeah, so let's describe this flying saucer.

[33:15] It's like a—I couldn't tell.

[33:18] At one point, they referred to it as a sphere, but I thought it was just like a dome.

[33:21] Yeah, like a weird plate.

[33:23] And they say that diamonds won't scratch it,

[33:27] which is weird that this dude found it and he's like,

[33:29] I'm going to start rubbing diamonds on this.

[33:31] It's funny because they're like, diamonds won't scratch it.

[33:37] Look at this.

[33:38] Nothing can get through it.

[33:39] And they're like, did you try to open it up?

[33:40] And it's like, yeah, dude.

[33:41] That's how we figured out the information we just gave you.

[33:44] I think the heroes are not really paying attention at that point.

[33:47] So they're going to go to where Zarkor is.

[33:49] They encounter a roadblock, and they try to bluff their way through it,

[33:53] which does not work at all.

[33:54] George, the policeman, is like,

[33:56] hey, my mom's in there.

[33:57] I gotta go find her.

[34:01] It was terrible.

[34:01] It was such a, like, a fuck-up.

[34:03] It was awesome.

[34:03] Yeah, and the guy's like,

[34:05] everyone's been evacuated,

[34:06] which is not true,

[34:07] because when Tommy finds himself in the town,

[34:09] there's people running around.

[34:10] But Tommy is, like, super intense.

[34:12] He's almost in a trance now,

[34:14] as if he's come to accept

[34:15] the importance of his mission,

[34:17] and that he really is the only one

[34:18] who can save the world from Zarkor.

[34:20] Guys, did you feel like he, like,

[34:22] suddenly started taking things seriously oh yeah he certainly stepped up his game the and there's

[34:27] a moment where he he's so he he has a plan and he's like okay i got this guys trust me and george

[34:34] like nods said he's like sure tommy's got this and then like stephanie in the back her name's

[34:39] stephanie right yeah stephanie she's in the back seat like kind of takes a second looking at both

[34:43] of them she's like uh do you have a plan like i do like that she is the she is clearly much more

[34:52] intelligent than these two guys and is just being dragged around by these two maniacs yeah it takes

[34:56] her a long time to get on board with their saving the world idea which to be honest again if i was

[35:02] in her position i gotta say it would take me a while to come around to it i would not be a george

[35:08] and just be like yeah that makes sense i'd be a stephanie i don't think she did she did have a

[35:12] gun held like she did have a crazy guy show up at a news station yeah post post office workers i

[35:18] I don't think she's so much against the idea of saving the world,

[35:22] but the methodology is kind of her argument.

[35:24] No, no.

[35:25] Oh, no, no.

[35:25] She's like, tear it all down.

[35:27] It's time to restart from the beginning.

[35:28] Yeah, this place is too corrupt.

[35:30] She's a real Joaquin Phoenix in Joker.

[35:32] It's the second time we've mentioned it in this movie.

[35:34] She's got a tape deck queued up to, what is that,

[35:37] Wave of Mutilation to play as the whole world collapses.

[35:40] I thought you were going to say Rock and Roll No. 2.

[35:42] I mean, if you're making a Fight Club reference, it wears my mind.

[35:48] Oh, where's my mind?

[35:48] Thank you, yeah.

[35:49] Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

[35:50] Dude, where's my car?

[35:51] I love movies whose titles are question marks.

[35:58] Because it's like the movie maker is saying,

[36:01] I can only promise you that the movie will answer this one question.

[36:04] If you were wondering, if you're so dumb that when you watch a movie

[36:08] you're having trouble figuring out what the characters want to find out,

[36:10] let me just put it in the title so that you know for sure.

[36:13] Yeah, it's like how my friend Alejandro was saying

[36:16] that the cover of every book should ask a question

[36:19] that only the interior can answer.

[36:22] And that's kind of what the question as a movie title does.

[36:25] Like, who is Harry Crumb?

[36:27] I don't fucking know.

[36:28] He's stuck to a window.

[36:29] That's about it.

[36:30] Yeah, that's it.

[36:31] That's all anyone ever knows about him.

[36:33] Yeah.

[36:34] Or like the title of Hot Dog, the movie.

[36:36] Is it this guy?

[36:37] Is it John Candy?

[36:40] It doesn't say so on the cover.

[36:42] Do you think there's some guy who,

[36:44] when Who's Harry Crumb walked out,

[36:45] passed by the poster and was like,

[36:46] I don't fucking know.

[36:47] Don't ask me, dude.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:48] Because at the time, also,

[36:50] everyone was talking about

[36:51] who's Harry Crumb.

[36:52] Who's Harry Crumb

[36:53] was on everybody's lips.

[36:54] So you think he was

[36:55] constantly being like,

[36:56] why is everyone trying to ask me

[36:57] who Harry Crumb is?

[36:58] And eventually it drove him insane.

[37:00] I mean, that was my reaction

[37:01] to Meet Joe Black.

[37:02] I'm like, what if I don't want to?

[37:03] Don't tell me what to do.

[37:04] You're not my dad, movie.

[37:05] Yeah.

[37:06] I feel like every movie

[37:08] that is just the name

[37:10] of the main character,

[37:12] it should have meat.

[37:15] Meet Citizen Kane.

[37:17] Meet Nell.

[37:19] Meet Hoffa.

[37:24] Yeah, I'm a meat Hoffa.

[37:28] But then the movie Dave would be called Meet Dave, which is already a movie.

[37:33] Stuart, we've got a problem here.

[37:34] Oh, no, how do I untangle this?

[37:37] Okay, we've got to work our way backwards.

[37:39] Yeah, if you call it Meet Meat Dave, you're just saying, like, you've got to meet the movie.

[37:45] Like, you're holding up a DVD, like, meet me, Dave.

[37:47] But, wait, a movie's not a person, right?

[37:49] So you can't do that.

[37:50] No.

[37:51] But there are some movies that have the name of a person.

[37:53] Yeah.

[37:54] Oh, I'm so confused.

[37:55] Oh, man.

[37:56] And so you'd have a movie called Meet Aaron Brockovich, which makes sense.

[38:00] And then what about a movie called, like, what if it was, like, Meet Zorro?

[38:05] And you'd be like, wait, but Zorro, he's a guy, but he's not real.

[38:08] He's a fictional character.

[38:09] But what if it was a movie that was called Meet Meat, and the movie's about meat?

[38:14] Or meet-midnight-meet train, and you're like, oh, my God, I don't know.

[38:18] You're running into that homonym problem I was talking about before.

[38:22] I got to go meet this train at midnight?

[38:24] Like, I'm going to be sleeping.

[38:26] Yeah, I'm busy feeling Minnesota right now.

[38:28] I can't do that.

[38:29] What a dumb name.

[38:33] Okay, guys, long story short.

[38:38] Actually, very short story, a little bit shorter, because the movie is not very long.

[38:42] Tommy just drives through this roadblock after his friends get out of the car.

[38:45] He runs into town, and the monster shoots his lasers at him.

[38:49] He holds up the saucer like Jason with his shield.

[38:53] No, not Jason.

[38:54] I'm sorry.

[38:55] Like Perseus with his shield.

[38:56] With, like, Perseus reflecting the eye beams of Medusa.

[39:00] He reflects Zarkor's eye lasers back on him.

[39:02] Zarkor is destroyed.

[39:04] And Tommy wakes up in a hospital.

[39:06] Wait, what was that?

[39:08] Sorry, hold on.

[39:08] It says goal.

[39:12] Just because his aim was so good

[39:15] Alright, hold on

[39:17] This bit is over, except for I do have to

[39:19] Before I retire it

[39:21] There's a sound effect that's listed

[39:24] As twaddle

[39:25] And I just gotta see what that is

[39:28] So hold on

[39:29] Oh, that's good

[39:32] That's pretty great

[39:32] So that's that

[39:35] Dan's making a note on the device

[39:37] He's writing, use only for love play

[39:40] Okay

[39:41] i have a i have a card here where i've been ranking the sounds i think twaddles at the top

[39:48] yeah it's it's just yeah just upset the whole rankings now i the thing is uh you may guys may

[39:53] not know this i don't need a portable soundboard because i have one it's called sammy calen six

[39:58] year old and he'll just walk around going boom boom boom wow yeah yeah you uh you're pushing

[40:05] for him to be one of the cast in uh police academy kids right yeah yeah yeah it's got

[40:10] taking over the michael winslow role it's called police academy junior and uh it's they're all the

[40:17] kids of the characters from the previous police academy and there's no reason sammy can't be

[40:22] michael winslow's son come on and so uh i think there's like a little high tower who's really

[40:26] short and so that's the joke is that that's hilarious she's really short but her name is

[40:30] hightower and then there's uh bobcat goldthwait's characters who's named bob kitten yeah uh and

[40:37] there's i don't remember the names the other characters there's that lady who's real tough

[40:40] there's steve gutenberg uh mahoney there's yeah mahoney tackleberry so tackleberry uh their kid

[40:48] is like uh he doesn't like guns yeah yeah no no hates guns and is really into collectible card

[40:54] games and and it's always like and also apps with in-app purchases so tackleberry is like i can't

[41:01] afford this on a policeman's salary you're buying all this minecraft stuff in the app and it's like

[41:05] whatever it's not real money he's like yes it is real money this is terrifying yeah elliot i want

[41:11] to just rewind a moment though now this hightower child you said the thing is that she's really

[41:16] short yeah now is it particularly funny that a child is is small because it is my experience

[41:22] that most children are actually short naturally.

[41:25] That's a good point.

[41:26] Well, that is fair

[41:28] that children are naturally shorter than adults,

[41:30] but there's also height as you...

[41:32] I mean, height's not binary.

[41:33] Height is a very fluid...

[41:36] Right.

[41:36] So you're saying that this child can be as small

[41:39] as the character in this movie,

[41:41] the alien intelligence, maybe.

[41:45] I mean, children can be as small as a single cell

[41:48] really early on when they're just starting.

[41:51] Apparently, according to some online resource, my friend's child is about the size of a chinchilla growing inside of her stomach.

[41:58] Not as soft, though.

[42:00] Not as soft.

[42:01] If you touch that growing baby, it would be real icky sticky and not at all soft like a chinchilla.

[42:05] Oh, cool.

[42:05] Thank you for warning me.

[42:06] I was about to.

[42:07] Yeah, I don't know much about children.

[42:09] I just know, as Stuart said earlier, they shouldn't play with dead things.

[42:12] Yep.

[42:13] I mean, that kind of goes for everybody, right?

[42:15] Yeah.

[42:15] Well, morticians?

[42:17] Uh-huh, yeah.

[42:18] If people weren't playing with dead things, we would have all of our medical advancements in human history.

[42:23] Think about it.

[42:24] It depends on what play is defined as, I guess.

[42:26] Yeah, see, I would call that work.

[42:27] But I guess if you love your job, you never work a day in your life.

[42:31] There's some mortician who's like-

[42:34] Yeah, the Victor Frankenstein story.

[42:35] There's some mortician who has an assistant, and the new body comes in, and he goes,

[42:40] it's playtime.

[42:41] And the assistant is like, I want to work somewhere else.

[42:45] He's like, I thought this was just a job where I got to eat sandwiches.

[42:48] The guy's like, okay, let's just throw out that myth right now.

[42:55] In every movie, the guy doing the autopsy is always eating a sandwich,

[42:58] and I'm offended by that.

[43:00] I have a full three-course Italian meal.

[43:02] That's right.

[43:03] There's a pasta course, there's a meat course, and then a cheese course

[43:07] every time I'm autopsying a body.

[43:09] I won't settle for a regular sandwich.

[43:11] So, would you like more lasagna bolognese while you're cutting open that corpse?

[43:17] And he's going to be like, I don't know if I want any.

[43:19] No, no, you should have some.

[43:20] It's delicious.

[43:21] And then maybe like...

[43:24] How about these seven fishes?

[43:25] Would you like some of those?

[43:26] So, it's a whole feast of the seven fishes every time that they've got work to do, huh?

[43:31] Yeah.

[43:31] So, anyway, there's...

[43:34] The ending of this movie.

[43:34] There's two minutes or so left.

[43:36] Tommy wakes up in a hospital.

[43:38] He's now famous.

[43:39] Everybody loves him.

[43:40] And the reporter from earlier is like, there are even some people who want you to run for president.

[43:44] And he goes, OK.

[43:45] And that's how the movie ends, with the promise of a Tommy third-party campaign for president on the Zarkor killing platform.

[43:53] And then there's a really rocking song over the credits about Zarkor.

[43:57] Like, I love any movie that has a song about the main character or the monster.

[44:02] And this one takes itself—this one's having fun, but it takes itself seriously.

[44:06] It is not telling jokes about Zarkor.

[44:08] it is warning you through the medium of rock and roll about sock war yeah dan was singing his

[44:13] favorite theme song that mentions the main character uh that played over the credits of

[44:16] meet joe black do you want to sing a couple bars of that dan uh it's like he goes uh he's really

[44:23] death death in human form meet joe black meet joe black that's pretty good that's what was going on

[44:33] yeah yeah yeah stewart i know you missed the first 10 and last 10 minutes of the movie

[44:37] so you were like

[44:38] why is everyone

[44:38] being so awkward

[44:39] around this Joe Black guy

[44:40] yeah

[44:40] did you ever see

[44:41] there's a scene

[44:42] in the movie

[44:42] where Anthony Hopkins

[44:44] is trying to come up

[44:45] with a fake name

[44:46] to describe death

[44:47] to his kids

[44:48] and they're like

[44:48] what's his name

[44:49] he has a name right

[44:51] yeah it's

[44:53] and I remember

[44:54] Conan O'Brien

[44:54] did a bit where

[44:55] when the movie came out

[44:56] where they just

[44:56] were looping that moment

[44:58] over and over again

[44:59] pretty much

[44:59] or re-editing it

[45:00] so it stretched on

[45:01] for like a minute

[45:01] of him not being able

[45:03] to come up with a name

[45:04] it was really funny funny stuff it was uh yeah okay it was a funny thing funny bit so

[45:12] zarkor guys uh final judgments is this a good bad movie a bad bad movie a movie you kind of like

[45:17] elliot what were you gonna say guys i'm gonna i'm gonna admit it this is a movie i kind of liked

[45:22] for three main reasons one i love giant monster movies and i love giant monster movies where the

[45:28] special effects are not amazing like to be honest i would rather watch zarkor the invader than

[45:34] Godzilla, the most recent

[45:36] one. What was it called? Was it called Godzilla?

[45:37] King of the Monsters.

[45:39] I would rather watch this than that.

[45:42] But also, it was

[45:44] kind of like a goofy movie that

[45:46] had a few genuinely

[45:47] funny ideas and moved

[45:50] along fast. And guys, it's so short.

[45:52] There's something... Yeah, it's an hour

[45:54] 20. There's really something

[45:55] joyous about starting a movie

[45:57] and being like, oh, I'm going to finish this

[46:00] kind of before I realize I'm watching it.

[46:02] Yeah, that's why I was so excited when I'm like, we're half an hour into this 75 minute movie and they're still in a hostage situation in a TV station.

[46:15] Yeah, I feel like they knew exactly what kind of movie they were making and they made it and I enjoyed it.

[46:22] But what did you guys think?

[46:22] Yeah, what do you think?

[46:23] Yeah, I'm kind of in the same boat.

[46:24] I might lean more toward like a good bad movie.

[46:28] I think it's fun to watch with people.

[46:29] I mean, I had fun watching it by myself, but if you're comfortable with yourself, you can have a good time just by yourself.

[46:40] You know what I mean, Dan?

[46:41] I have a good time by myself all the time.

[46:43] Oh, awesome.

[46:43] Oh, Dan.

[46:45] Wait a minute.

[46:45] Oh, Dan.

[46:46] So, no, no, I'm with Stuart in that I think it's kind of between a movie kind of like kind of good, bad.

[46:53] however i i don't know i i really wished i had been watching it with other people as it was at

[47:02] an hour 20 i was kind of like okay this could be half as long because the middle sags a lot uh i i

[47:08] would say you know like it's not streaming for free anywhere you have yeah like i had to pay

[47:13] to rent it and i wouldn't necessarily recommend anyone do that but no i agree i agree i don't

[47:18] I think it's worth a bunch of pals to kick in five cents to each watch.

[47:22] I mean, I think it's streaming for free on the Full Moon video app.

[47:27] Oh, okay.

[47:27] So if you're already subscribed to the Full Moon video, then...

[47:31] Yeah, there you go.

[47:32] Then Stuart wants to be your friend.

[47:35] Go on.

[47:35] Cool.

[47:39] So that was Final Judgments.

[47:41] There are worse things you could put in your eyeballs and your ear holes than this movie.

[47:45] Like needles.

[47:48] Uh, yeah.

[47:48] That goes without saying, Dan.

[47:50] Why would you even suggest that?

[47:51] I didn't suggest it.

[47:53] You suggested it.

[47:54] Uh, I was talking about, like, I don't know, other movies?

[47:58] What about those weird little, like, candles that you burn to burn off all your earwax?

[48:03] What about those?

[48:04] I mean, don't put them in your eyes.

[48:06] You don't have eye wax.

[48:07] That's crazy.

[48:08] Don't talk to me about what I have.

[48:09] Okay, fair point.

[48:12] Sorry, Dan.

[48:12] I didn't mean to judge.

[48:13] Maybe your eyes are full of wax.

[48:18] Hey, J. Keith.

[48:20] Hey, Helen.

[48:21] I hear you have a true-false quiz you want me to finish.

[48:23] I do.

[48:24] Here we begin.

[48:25] We host a trivia game show podcast on the MaxFun Network called Go Fact Yourself.

[48:31] True.

[48:31] Correct.

[48:32] The show is all about celebrity guests answering trivia questions about things J. Keith enjoys.

[48:37] False.

[48:38] We sometimes don't talk about baseball or cats.

[48:40] Thank God.

[48:41] It's questions about things they enjoy.

[48:43] Next, we bring on surprise experts every episode.

[48:46] True.

[48:47] Correct.

[48:47] Final question. It's just the two of us sitting alone with these guests.

[48:51] False.

[48:51] Correct. We have a live audience at the Angel City Brewery.

[48:55] See? You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month.

[49:01] And if you don't listen, you can go fact yourself.

[49:04] True.

[49:04] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

[49:11] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor.

[49:13] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

[49:17] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[49:18] You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my Internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[49:26] I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones.

[49:29] And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong.

[49:31] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire.

[49:35] One of the worst dad jokes of all time.

[49:38] Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bead, my husband has his hair cut professionally.

[49:43] I have to join a community theater group.

[49:46] and my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals.

[49:48] It's the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

[49:51] Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org

[49:54] or wherever you download podcasts.

[49:56] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

[49:59] Let's move on to our sponsor this week.

[50:09] Now, of course, the Flophouse is largely sponsored in part

[50:14] by listeners like you

[50:16] and in March

[50:17] the Max Fund Drive

[50:18] will be coming up

[50:19] but we don't need to talk

[50:20] about that just yet.

[50:21] It is also sponsored

[50:22] in part by

[50:23] Squarespace.

[50:24] Squarespace.

[50:25] Which is a company

[50:27] that allows you

[50:28] to make websites.

[50:29] Well, it doesn't allow you

[50:30] to make websites.

[50:30] You know, like,

[50:32] you can make a website

[50:32] no matter what.

[50:33] You don't need

[50:34] Squarespace's permission, man.

[50:35] Get off my back, Squarespace.

[50:37] Yeah, it will help you.

[50:38] It will assist you

[50:39] in the making of a website.

[50:40] If you are

[50:41] not a programmer,

[50:42] if you do not know HTML,

[50:43] This is a very convenient way of doing it.

[50:45] It'll allow you to blog or publish content, sell products and services of all kinds, and much, much more

[50:51] by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers,

[50:56] everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[50:59] A lot of people are going to be looking at your website on an iPhone or other smartphone.

[51:04] Sorry for shilling for Apple.

[51:06] Any phone.

[51:07] Yeah, any kind of phone.

[51:09] Your website will look good.

[51:09] Not a burner phone, though, right?

[51:11] No, no, or a rotary phone.

[51:13] Yeah, or hopefully not one of those exploding Samsungs either.

[51:17] Not a exploding Samsung.

[51:19] Dan, it sounds like you're still talking down Apple's rivals

[51:24] when you're talking about one of those exploding Samsungs.

[51:26] Don't mention brands of phones.

[51:28] Yeah, well, anyway, it's a new way to buy domains.

[51:31] Choose from over 200 extensions, free and secure hosting.

[51:34] Go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[51:40] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop

[51:43] to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[51:48] Now, Dan, I had an idea for a website,

[51:50] and I was wondering if Squarespace could help me.

[51:52] Probably, but I'm not going to listen because I've got to go pee.

[51:54] You talk about it.

[51:55] I mean, you can tell me, or we can just pause the recording.

[51:58] Nope.

[51:59] I mean, I could, nope.

[52:00] Okay, I'll tell Stuart because Dan had to announce his peeing.

[52:03] So, anyway, I mean, now I want listeners to go back

[52:06] and listen to the last 10, 15 minutes of the show

[52:09] knowing that Dan had to pee probably that whole time.

[52:11] Yeah.

[52:12] see like what does it what does it make you think about the way he's saying does it add a little bit

[52:16] of extra like meaning or a frisson to it is it like now it's like a harold pinter thing it's

[52:21] about what he's not saying what he's not saying is he has to urinate his bladder is filling with

[52:25] liquid to the point where he needs his body needs to release it and he's not gonna do that just

[52:29] sitting next to stewart in his living room or is he i mean maybe you know what was that website

[52:36] idea you had uh i kind of want to save it till dan comes back but i guess i'll talk about it no

[52:40] so my idea was we all love parkour right i do certainly it's a way to get through urban

[52:46] environments in without just walking around but it's been so long that we've had parkour and it's

[52:51] time for a new development what about a new way to get around or through the bodies of monsters

[52:56] i call it zarkor okay it's a way to like travel up and down a monster in just imaginative ways

[53:03] using like natural handholds and not just walking around so anyway it's kind of like shadow of the

[53:08] colossus basically uh yeah i guess that's the way to put it so i wanted to do a website called

[53:12] zarkor.org this is a non-profit that shows people and helps connect people who have an interest

[53:18] shows people how to climb around monsters and connects people who have a shared interest in

[53:22] climbing around monsters and there's a dating aspect of it too because it's hard to find someone

[53:26] who's also interested in climbing around monsters to share a life with or even just to have some fun

[53:32] with. So anyway, that's Zarkor.org,

[53:34] a non-profit about

[53:36] monster-based parkour and

[53:38] perhaps romantic opportunities.

[53:40] How are you going to monetize this, Elliot?

[53:42] Is it going to be like a subscription-based service

[53:44] or is it mainly going to, is there going to be

[53:46] like a shop element where you

[53:48] sell like branded merchandise?

[53:49] Now again, it is a non-profit, so everything we

[53:52] make gets poured right back into

[53:54] mapping monsters and coming up with new ways

[53:56] to get around them and climb up or through

[53:58] them or over them. But we would

[54:00] make money, we would sell branded merchandise and we'd also

[54:02] have like a donor page we'll of course be reaching out to corporate sponsors and grants from uh

[54:08] places like uh the ford foundation to make sure that we can get that money together because there's

[54:13] a whole world of monsters that need climbing on out there and there's a whole world of lonely

[54:17] people who like climbing on monsters who need to be connected whether that's for a casual encounter

[54:23] or something a little more more formal there's no strings attached when you're climbing a monster

[54:27] unless you have a string attached to the monster while you're climbing i mean i wouldn't call that

[54:31] zarkor though that's more kind of old-fashioned monster climbing zarkor is it's all handholds

[54:36] or footholds you're not attached to anything and you're looking for what is the most interesting

[54:40] route around or through this monster yep and and your friends can stand and tick tock you while

[54:46] you're doing it oh for sure we actually we have another app that you shoot videos with called

[54:50] zikzak and uh it's like it's for monster climbing but it's these little videos that you make sure

[54:55] Okay, well, I'm back, so let's move on.

[54:58] Hey, hey, we're doing a live show in Toronto on April 18th.

[55:04] It's part of the What the Film Festival.

[55:07] We're going to be putting up a ticket link on our website,

[55:11] flophousepodcast.com slash events, right, Dan?

[55:14] We will, yes.

[55:16] I will get on that the moment I remember to do so.

[55:19] And a little closer to the...

[55:20] Hopefully very soon.

[55:21] And a little closer to the actual event,

[55:24] We will announce the movie that we are going to be reviewing for that show, either on Twitter, well, probably on Twitter, and on Facebook, you know, something like that.

[55:35] And on this very show, likely.

[55:37] Oh, most likely.

[55:38] I'd also like to take a moment and plug a friend's business.

[55:44] This Toronto show was helped in part by my friend's travel agency.

[55:51] It's a small travel agency called Huckleberry Travel.

[55:54] They've been friends of the show for a while, and they've certainly helped with my and Dan's travel.

[55:59] And we went on an Alaska cruise together, Stuart and I and some others.

[56:04] And they did such a hands-on travel agent job, they actually came along on the cruise with us.

[56:11] Now, they won't do that, I think, for you, the listener.

[56:14] Maybe if your trip's super badass.

[56:16] So, yeah, check out huckleberrytravel.com.

[56:20] Once, a friend of mine and I went on a trip on a log raft down the Mississippi River, and they really helped us with it.

[56:27] Huckleberry Travel.

[56:28] And, of course, we're going to try and do—we hope to do a ton more live shows this coming year.

[56:35] I mean, not a ton.

[56:37] Well, no, not a ton.

[56:38] No, 2,000 pounds worth of live shows.

[56:40] We're working with our booking agent to arrange a lot more shows, so we may be coming near you.

[56:48] Who knows?

[56:48] But I would also say if you manage or own a venue and you'd be interested in us coming by, why not reach out to us?

[56:57] Yeah.

[56:57] Either through our website or on Twitter or through our Facebook page and let us know if you think you would have interest in having the Flophouse come to your venue.

[57:06] We'd love to get a sense of what's out there.

[57:08] But where we'll be for sure is in Toronto, April 18th at the What the Film Fest.

[57:12] Yeah, no Texas Chainsaw Maskers, please.

[57:15] Don't invite us to do a show and then murder us.

[57:17] oh man or invite us to do a show and it turns out it's like a weird gross town that has a

[57:22] roller coaster that strips the flesh off of people's bones we do that actually that actually

[57:26] sounds pretty good no was leatherface inviting that van of of kids to do a show was that what

[57:33] was happening yeah yeah yeah that's well i mean his brother is the one who kind of invites him

[57:38] when he gets in the back of the thing and starts acting all uh bonkers yeah hitchhiker eventually

[57:43] named chop top yeah okay now uh now what actually i i'm sure i guess you guys don't realize that

[57:49] that movie was the first south by southwest okay that was the first south by southwest festival

[57:54] was a van full of kids getting killed by leatherface oh wow well not all the kids i killed

[57:58] one got away that's true one got away and she was like i went to this amazing festival and that's

[58:02] just word of mouth yolo unless i mean still better than the fire festival weird yeah yeah uh now

[58:09] Unless there are any more objections from the floor,

[58:12] we're going to move on to letters.

[58:13] Oh, a letter bag.

[58:14] Letters from listeners.

[58:15] Listeners like you.

[58:17] This first letter is from Brendan, last name withheld,

[58:21] who says,

[58:22] Good afternoon, Flopsters.

[58:24] I recently attended the Judge John Hodgman.

[58:27] It is the afternoon.

[58:28] How did he know?

[58:29] Who knows?

[58:30] Who's his source?

[58:31] He could be outside the apartment right now.

[58:35] Yeah, he's standing over Dan's shoulder,

[58:37] threatening to chop off his head

[58:38] if he stops podcasting

[58:40] the way Robert Howard claimed Conan would do.

[58:42] Okay.

[58:44] Wait, if Robert...

[58:46] So Conan was a big podcast fan?

[58:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[58:50] Because Robert Howard did a podcast

[58:52] with his buddy H.P. Lovecraft.

[58:53] They would Skype.

[58:54] All right, I was taking that moment

[58:58] to put some chapstick on.

[58:59] Okay.

[58:59] Yeah, yeah.

[59:00] Dan, we don't need to know these things.

[59:02] Dan, we didn't need to know about the peeing.

[59:04] We didn't need to know about the chapstick.

[59:05] Remember the time you opened a package

[59:07] during the episode?

[59:08] That was content for the episode.

[59:10] It's all hot content.

[59:11] People were amused that there was a water pick inside.

[59:14] I firmly believe that.

[59:16] I'm just saying that you need to have a division

[59:18] between your personal life and your professional life,

[59:20] or else you're not going to know who you are.

[59:21] Are you the Dan character, or are you Dan the man?

[59:24] Are you Dan in real life,

[59:25] or do you not have a pillow made out of pancakes?

[59:27] That's somewhat true.

[59:28] That is true.

[59:29] Okay, well, anyway, Brandon writes,

[59:30] I recently attended the Judge John Hodgman live show

[59:34] at the Murmur Theater in Brooklyn.

[59:36] At the beginning of the show, Jesse was warming up the crowd,

[59:39] and in an imperative to fire up the audience,

[59:42] he mentioned there was a special guest in the crowd,

[59:44] our own Dan McCoy.

[59:46] What followed was complete silence.

[59:48] Oh, man, yeah.

[59:49] Well, that's better than booze.

[59:50] Now, I got to take issue with this.

[59:53] There was, I would call it, a smattering of applause.

[59:57] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[59:58] It was like when we went to that Stuff You Should Know at the Bell House,

[1:00:05] and uh i was trying to sneak out of there and then chuck uh chuck was like yeah and if you come by

[1:00:11] after stewart and dan and the flop house will be around and i'm like god damn it no one clapped

[1:00:15] yeah no i there were there were there was some uh there were a few uh people who recognized

[1:00:23] uh the flop house and were cheering uh it was not like however uh hodgman's uh book reading

[1:00:29] at books are magic where he also did the same thing saying dan mccoy the flop house is in the

[1:00:34] crowd and there i would say uh the bet the response uh could be best described as baffled

[1:00:40] but uh well i mean i went to i went to a john hodgman book reading event and he made sure to

[1:00:45] point out that cory doctorow was in the crowd my name went unmentioned oh wow yeah i mean was that

[1:00:52] the book event that i showed up at and then left before it started yeah i didn't i didn't like i

[1:00:58] I didn't like the energy in the room.

[1:00:59] There were a bunch of dogs there.

[1:01:02] Wow, dude.

[1:01:04] No, actual literal dogs.

[1:01:05] Okay.

[1:01:06] And Audrey was visibly more interested in the dogs than anything else was going on.

[1:01:12] And John invited her to go to the back room where the dogs were hanging out.

[1:01:15] Wow.

[1:01:15] Anyway, so continue with the letter.

[1:01:20] This was a bizarre experience.

[1:01:21] I wanted to yell out, but I didn't.

[1:01:22] I think I was a little afraid of being berated by John Hodgman for yelling during his show.

[1:01:27] It wasn't really during his show.

[1:01:28] But anyway, it's been bothering me all week,

[1:01:31] so I wanted to write in to tell you I love your show

[1:01:33] and you deserved a better welcome.

[1:01:35] Ra-rao.

[1:01:36] My question, is there anything significant that you remember

[1:01:39] from one of your own live shows

[1:01:41] that either didn't make it into the official recording

[1:01:44] or that just doesn't translate to the podcast medium

[1:01:47] Brendan Lastname withheld?

[1:01:49] Yeah, I mean, mine was super recent

[1:01:55] when I managed to bring Dan to tears

[1:01:57] with my PowerPoint presentation.

[1:01:59] That was a really special moment

[1:02:02] because Dan couldn't really start the podcast.

[1:02:04] No, Stuart did a new presentation in Boston

[1:02:07] that was maybe the most I've ever laughed.

[1:02:10] It was very magical.

[1:02:13] That was, yeah.

[1:02:14] I kind of wish we had stopped the show right there

[1:02:16] and just told the audience to leave

[1:02:17] because that was the highlight.

[1:02:19] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:02:20] I mean, I was running around

[1:02:21] ripping people's eyes out of their heads

[1:02:23] because I didn't want them to have to look at anything else afterwards.

[1:02:25] But the cops got mad at me.

[1:02:28] There's nothing that's coming.

[1:02:30] I know that there's good stuff that happens beforehand

[1:02:32] that people don't get to hear.

[1:02:35] The only thing that's coming to mind is visual stuff.

[1:02:37] Like often when Elliot is singing his songs,

[1:02:40] that is the cue for Stuart or I or both of us

[1:02:44] to leave the stage and go get beers.

[1:02:46] Or I'd see you lie down on the stage

[1:02:48] as if I've murdered you with my music.

[1:02:51] dan climbed under the uh climbed under the table once yeah a lot of visual humor yeah i said but

[1:02:58] it's not like uh it's not like an iron maiden concert where we're coming out in different

[1:03:01] costumes or there's like a big like eddie that comes out why there's that there was that one

[1:03:06] time where i uh the stage had a giant eddie hand and i climbed up and the hand like lifted me up

[1:03:11] into the sky and people were losing their minds i mean yeah that was when we when we were performing

[1:03:16] in rio before 200 000 people yeah speaking of costumes i mean not to suggest that stewart's

[1:03:21] clothes are are a costume but people are missing the amazing shirts and cardigans that stewart

[1:03:27] often wears yeah i mean i i have to dan elliott uh dressed so nice i have to i have to bring my

[1:03:33] own flavor you know yeah sure uh so i guess i mean the thing that mostly people miss is they don't

[1:03:39] get to see our presentations but uh you know uh they should just start coming to shows you know

[1:03:44] and capture the magic should we do more that's special for the shows perhaps even have an animal

[1:03:50] on stage with us hmm perhaps some kind of dare i say house alligator a new a new character i think

[1:04:00] we could do it uh we shouldn't bring a cat due to allergies yeah and the fact that i think a cat

[1:04:07] would not like it no there'd be p even archie perhaps the most laid-back cat i've ever encountered

[1:04:12] would probably panic in an audience full of people.

[1:04:16] Yeah.

[1:04:16] Dan, that sounds like a Disney movie from the 60s,

[1:04:18] Archie the Laidback Cat.

[1:04:20] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:20] You know, I would love it.

[1:04:22] Let's make it.

[1:04:23] Let's go back in time.

[1:04:24] Let's make it.

[1:04:25] This next letter is from Rusty Lasting Withheld.

[1:04:30] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:30] Not my best friend from growing up.

[1:04:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:33] Rusty Shackelford, the pseudonym from King of the Hill.

[1:04:37] Okay.

[1:04:38] Rusty writes, Flophouse Crew.

[1:04:42] I relatively recently found your podcast back in July and have been voraciously consuming your content.

[1:04:48] And I just wanted you guys to know I regard each of you as avatars of my own psyche in a way.

[1:04:55] Elliot is the superego with his hyper-cerebral and historical film appreciation.

[1:05:01] Stuart is the id as he shares my love of Brian Yuzna and other goopy, gory, and insane horror cinema.

[1:05:10] And Dan, the super ego, who acts as a middle ground, being both a huge pervert and an intellectual in his own right, who maintains order in the Flophouse.

[1:05:20] I don't mean to split too many hairs, but that's two super egos.

[1:05:22] Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

[1:05:24] One of us has to be the ego and the other one the super ego.

[1:05:27] You know what, Dan?

[1:05:29] I'll take ego.

[1:05:31] That's fine.

[1:05:31] I'll be a living planet with a beard made out of moss.

[1:05:34] Oh, man.

[1:05:34] Okay.

[1:05:35] Yeah, I don't know which one.

[1:05:38] I'm reading it here.

[1:05:39] I don't know which one he meant for which person.

[1:05:41] Maybe one of them he meant is like a really good ego.

[1:05:45] Yeah.

[1:05:46] Now the sweet, sweet question.

[1:05:50] What Dungeons & Dragons class and alignment

[1:05:52] do you feel best represent you?

[1:05:54] I would postulate Dan is the pensive half-elf ranger

[1:05:58] who wears the scars of his past proudly

[1:06:01] and has a badass cat companion.

[1:06:03] Stuart is the hale and hearty dwarven cleric

[1:06:07] worshiping some kind of dwarven party god sure yeah i know there's one it's in the 3.5 edition

[1:06:13] book races of stone but i got rid of that book because i thought it was mostly useless to me

[1:06:18] this aside i mean i feel like most books are basically useless what elliot now there's movies

[1:06:26] and books on tape okay elliot of course is a half as a halfling bard because he is small cunning and

[1:06:33] and I picture halflings as eating tons of chicken.

[1:06:35] You've got to believe it.

[1:06:37] I think you can base that on the scene

[1:06:39] in Masters of the Universe, the movie,

[1:06:40] where he has that dwarf companion, He-Man does,

[1:06:45] and that guy loves the chicken that they find.

[1:06:46] Yeah.

[1:06:47] I'm a bit fuzzy on alignments,

[1:06:49] or I'm too lazy to superimpose my ideas.

[1:06:52] Pick one.

[1:06:52] I don't care.

[1:06:54] Keep on shining, you crazy diamonds.

[1:06:57] Rusty, last name withheld.

[1:07:00] Oh, yeah, obviously, I'm lawful good.

[1:07:03] You know, I love playing by the rules.

[1:07:05] Just like being cool and nice, but within the rules.

[1:07:11] Dan's neutral evil.

[1:07:15] Okay, sure.

[1:07:17] Yeah, and I'm probably a neutral milk hotel.

[1:07:20] Oh, wow.

[1:07:20] I'm not necessarily good or evil.

[1:07:23] I'm just a normal person, but also I've got a lot of calcium and protein.

[1:07:26] And also, you know, I let people stay at my house sometimes.

[1:07:30] Yeah, and you have the prestige class king of carrot flowers.

[1:07:33] Yeah, exactly.

[1:07:35] It's weird that the neutral milk hotels get all the attention.

[1:07:38] Like, what about the good milk hotels out there?

[1:07:41] Like, if you're looking at Yelp, you want a good milk hotel.

[1:07:44] Just like Tommy in the movie Zarkor, you know?

[1:07:46] Yeah.

[1:07:47] The best milk hotel doesn't get a lot of press,

[1:07:48] but the best exotic marigold hotel apparently gets the most press

[1:07:52] of all the exotic marigold hotels.

[1:07:53] Yeah.

[1:07:54] Well, that's letters, guys.

[1:07:57] That's the letters.

[1:07:59] I suddenly got really worn out, but we've got one more segment.

[1:08:03] Wait, hold on.

[1:08:04] Do you hear that?

[1:08:05] It sounds like Dan's got a problem with energy.

[1:08:09] Time for a song, a surprise song to get him all lifted up.

[1:08:13] Let's lift Dan's spirits with a surprise song

[1:08:16] because nothing makes energy like the magic of music.

[1:08:20] Hey, everybody all across the world,

[1:08:23] let's dance in our seats and dance on our feet

[1:08:25] because we've got to show Dan there's a reason to live.

[1:08:29] Dan put down all those things that make you sad because it's time to be happy with music.

[1:08:35] Dan's favorite music is Talking Heads, which sounds just like this.

[1:08:40] This is what an average Talking Heads sound sounds like.

[1:08:44] Hey, it's me, David Byrne, and I'm talking to Dan through the power of music.

[1:08:49] Dan, Dan, Dan.

[1:08:52] Are you feeling the power, feeling the magic, feeling the notes, and feeling the lyrics?

[1:08:58] Do you have the energy of the old spirits in your body right now?

[1:09:04] That's me, David Byrne, saying, well, Dan, do you?

[1:09:06] Do you?

[1:09:07] Do you?

[1:09:08] Yes or no?

[1:09:10] Can you sleep on it?

[1:09:12] Baby, baby, can you sleep on it?

[1:09:14] That's right, it's me, Meatloaf, another guy who is singing to Dan.

[1:09:18] I'm also a popular foodstuff, but don't eat me because that would be the end of my time as a music superstar.

[1:09:27] Hey, David Byrne, does it ever feel good to not be named after a food?

[1:09:32] No meatloaf, this is me, David Byrne, now saying I've always envied that you are also a food.

[1:09:39] So, Dan, I think it's clear that it's time for us to continue newly revitalized,

[1:09:46] newly re-energized, newly reaching up to the skies for the last segment of the Flophouse

[1:09:52] with Dan and Stuart and Elliot.

[1:09:55] All right.

[1:09:55] David Byrne may not be a foodstuff, but he is something that can happen to foodstuffs.

[1:10:01] Yeah, that's true.

[1:10:02] That's very true.

[1:10:04] Get it?

[1:10:04] Yeah, I do.

[1:10:05] Stuart, this is David Byrne again, and you've given me a new lease on life.

[1:10:11] I finally know what it's like to be happy.

[1:10:15] Dan, take that as an inspiration.

[1:10:18] Let's go into this recommendation with maximum energy.

[1:10:25] Okay, so I'll go first.

[1:10:27] I'm going to recommend two movies at once

[1:10:31] because I feel like they are pretty linked, actually, in style.

[1:10:36] They're Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2.

[1:10:38] No, they're not actually related in any other way

[1:10:42] than that I saw them very close to one another,

[1:10:45] but they reminded me of one another.

[1:10:47] I watched a movie called VHS, and I watched Greener Grass,

[1:10:52] And both of them are kind of, they're movies that have a narrative but also feel very much like sketch comedy movies.

[1:11:01] VHS is a movie that is kind of found footage-y.

[1:11:08] It's about a kid who gets a camcorder and he records snippets of his own life.

[1:11:14] While you see in the background his parents' marriage is dissolving.

[1:11:18] also then he uses the camcorder to record a bunch of snippets of late night tv and this uh all

[1:11:25] occurs it's a it's a period piece it occurs in the 80s and i found it very it spoke to me because

[1:11:33] i was that kid i uh saved up a bunch of money from a paper route and i bought a camcorder

[1:11:38] and filmed a bunch of stuff and i also of course snuck out and stayed up late and watched uh late

[1:11:45] night television yeah and uh there's a lot of stuff in the movie i get it dude you're a bad boy

[1:11:50] yes uh the the late night tv stuff's all very funny it's got people like tom lennon in it uh

[1:11:59] uh tim robbins shows up it's funny stuff but that like there's actually kind of moving stuff

[1:12:06] in the uh framing uh stuff and i won't i won't kind of get into that further but also greener

[1:12:15] grass i would describe as kind of if wet hot american summer was also blue velvet uh it's

[1:12:22] a lot of like very the comedy of absurdity the comedy of people acting very awkward and strange

[1:12:31] with a lot of commitment uh it is set in suburbia but it's not kind of the tired

[1:12:37] dark side of suburbia thing

[1:12:40] so much as it is about a woman

[1:12:42] whose life is deteriorating

[1:12:44] because she is so polite and passive

[1:12:47] and feels the need to be polite to the degree

[1:12:51] that it screws her over in a number of ways.

[1:12:54] And both of these movies,

[1:12:55] aside from being kind of strange,

[1:12:58] take an interesting sort of tonal turn

[1:13:01] that I won't get into.

[1:13:03] But I liked them both.

[1:13:07] sure it's funny that you should recommend greener grass because i'm going to recommend a movie that

[1:13:12] also has a color in the title oh i'm going to recommend uh the movie color out of space

[1:13:20] starring nicholas cage directed by richard stanley it is a horror movie uh based on a

[1:13:27] short story by h.p a love to craft and uh it is uh yeah it's like silly and funny uh and the

[1:13:38] it's filled with special effects and music and acting okay so it's a movie so it's established

[1:13:45] the minimum of that it takes to be a movie and nicholas cage gives this performance it's like

[1:13:50] almost so crazy like it's crazy enough that it because everything else around him is so normal

[1:13:57] that it it's kind of like al pacino and the irishman where it takes me out of the movie

[1:14:04] and at no point am i not thinking oh yeah that's uh that's nicholas cage or that's al pacino but

[1:14:09] at the same time there's something so like charming about how over the top and silly the

[1:14:15] performance is that i don't think i'd i don't think i'd change it for anything in the world

[1:14:20] yeah let's be clear though stewart uh when you say everything else is normal you mean that everyone

[1:14:25] when I was in the movie is acting in a naturalistic style.

[1:14:27] Unlike Nicolas Cage.

[1:14:28] The movie is bonkers crazy.

[1:14:30] It's bonkers crazy,

[1:14:31] but it's also like,

[1:14:32] I don't know.

[1:14:33] I feel like it's,

[1:14:33] I feel like it's pretty straightforward.

[1:14:35] It all makes a lot of sense.

[1:14:38] Yeah.

[1:14:38] I saw it at the same time as Stuart and I would have recommended it if I

[1:14:42] hadn't been pretty sure that Stuart was.

[1:14:44] Yeah.

[1:14:45] It's because it's,

[1:14:46] I don't know.

[1:14:46] It's like,

[1:14:47] it's so silly and weird and it still manages to be pretty scary.

[1:14:51] and it does some stuff that i don't feel like i've really seen before and it plays with like the

[1:14:57] i don't know it does stuff uh that i i wish i saw more in uh lovecraft uh interpretations yeah i

[1:15:04] think it finds interesting ways to take the cosmic horror like unexplainable indescribable stuff

[1:15:09] and and show it as best you can yeah and then we got to watch a q a filmed q a afterwards where

[1:15:18] And Nicolas Cage was dressed like a crazy biker man.

[1:15:21] And Richard Stanley just mumbled through every single question.

[1:15:24] It's so great.

[1:15:25] Was Richard Stanley wearing his, like, wizard's hat or, like, warlock's hat?

[1:15:30] He didn't have the hat on.

[1:15:32] He had his hair that makes it look like he's wearing a wig that no one would ever choose as a wig.

[1:15:37] No one would ever choose it as a wig.

[1:15:40] Yeah, he's so funny, man.

[1:15:41] Nicolas Cage's jacket, though, I described it as he looked like a wrestler who was also a rockabilly.

[1:15:48] guitarist yeah yeah it's pretty good uh okay well i'm also recommending a movie in theaters

[1:15:56] in 1952 it's called sudden fear and it stars joan crawford and jack palance uh joan crawford is a

[1:16:04] successful wealthy broadway playwright who gets into a romance with a young actor played by jack

[1:16:09] palance and spoiler he's there's something sinister going on because it's jack palance

[1:16:15] you can tell almost from the minute he walks on screen uh gloria graham is in it too playing the

[1:16:20] kind of character gloria graham plays a kind of like a sneaky conniving uh lady and it is this

[1:16:26] kind of interesting combination of a film noir and a woman's melodrama there's a lot of like

[1:16:33] joan crawford being in the throes of love and then falling from those heights into kind of

[1:16:40] passionate sadness and tears but there are also some genuinely like very tense and very creepy

[1:16:45] noirish scenes and uh there's a moment involving a wind-up metal dog that i didn't expect to see

[1:16:53] on screen but i found very uh very eerie and strange but anyway it's called sudden fear uh

[1:16:58] and it's from 1952 and it's available on the canopy app if you can get that through your

[1:17:05] local library and i thought it was one of these movies where i was like how have i never heard of

[1:17:09] seen anything about this movie before because i found it super entertaining and really well made

[1:17:14] uh and everyone is great so that's sudden fear starring joan crawford excellent guys excellent

[1:17:20] did a great job stewart i want to know more about this wind up wound up metal dog you know

[1:17:25] i mean i don't want to i don't want to uh build it up too much but i did think that might

[1:17:29] pique your interest stewart that there's for some reason there's a scene where two characters decide

[1:17:33] to start playing with this wind up metal dog and i'm like why is this the moment they started to

[1:17:37] do this what when you just said peak like that you held up a vhs copy of dante's peak

[1:17:42] i'm really into puns these days inexplicable baffling ones elliot i wanted to say also you

[1:17:52] did a great job i was i told stewart and then stewart like sort of cut me off in the middle

[1:17:57] with his dog talk i just didn't want you to feel left out oh okay thanks i appreciate it

[1:18:04] what oh wow elliot's still not very good at taking a compliment no no it's just he's still got his

[1:18:09] armor up huh i just didn't want you to feel left out that's all hey power those shields down there

[1:18:14] uh vice admiral thrawn or whatever i know he's a grand admiral uh hey i'm glad you corrected

[1:18:22] yourself stewart because the listeners were pissed i could feel it it was like a great

[1:18:26] disturbance in the force as if one of us had said something slightly wrong uh elliot you talk

[1:18:30] quickly do you want to give the usual spiel about uh max fun and all that and i'm also jewish so

[1:18:36] it's okay for me to give a spiel whereas if one of you guys did it it might be a little i don't

[1:18:40] know kind of like appropriating another culture uh hey everybody we're a member of the max fun

[1:18:44] maximum fun podcast network and there's a lot of great shows in the maximum fun network i would

[1:18:48] recommend you don't just stop with us you go on and listen to one of the other ones there's a lot

[1:18:52] of great ones about movies there's a lot of great interview podcasts there's a lot of great ones

[1:18:55] about tv there's one about work processes come on just try some other uh maximum fun podcast

[1:19:00] there's advice shows you know there's all sorts of stuff there's great podcasts on there go to

[1:19:04] maximum fun.org to look at them uh also if you like this podcast hey why not say something nice

[1:19:10] about us on itunes review us there review us anywhere you see podcast reviews tell people

[1:19:15] about us tweet about us instagram about us send letters to your grandma about us write a postcard

[1:19:20] so the mailman can see it because you know they read those hey if you're in the media you know

[1:19:24] say something about us on a bigger

[1:19:26] platform. We've been around for 12 years

[1:19:28] now, so it's hard to get

[1:19:30] people excited about publicity.

[1:19:32] You heard all those

[1:19:34] fucking great drops Dan was doing.

[1:19:36] Don't wait to talk about us when one

[1:19:38] of us dies, or all of us in some kind of

[1:19:40] freak accident. Talk about us now while we're

[1:19:42] still alive. I mean, it's at least going to look

[1:19:44] like an accident.

[1:19:45] You mentioned

[1:19:48] the network, and we also mentioned that

[1:19:50] the episode today, the movie

[1:19:52] who was chosen by a contest winner, who designed merch,

[1:19:55] and that merch is available for purchase at MaximumFun.org, right?

[1:20:00] Yes, and unless something drastic happens that forces us to change our plans,

[1:20:05] we will be doing the next contest winner next episode, so look forward to that.

[1:20:11] And then after that, we'll go back to the big-budget Hollywood spectaculars that you're used to,

[1:20:15] but hey, it's fun to do these lesser-known movies, too.

[1:20:18] So that's The Flophouse on Maximum Fun.

[1:20:20] Our editor is Jordan Cowling.

[1:20:21] And for the Flophouse, you are, what was your name again?

[1:20:24] Dan McCoy.

[1:20:25] And the other guy, what, wait, who are you?

[1:20:27] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:28] And who am I?

[1:20:30] You're Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:31] Oh, that's right.

[1:20:32] Good night, everybody.

[1:20:33] Good night.

[1:20:34] Okay, let's do this thing.

[1:20:43] Okay.

[1:20:44] And Jordan, I know that was not as funny a usual pre-start as we usually have.

[1:20:49] I apologize.

[1:20:50] Maybe she could, I don't know,

[1:20:52] like add some sound effects under it or something.

[1:20:54] Yeah, some boi-o-o-o-o-o-ings.

[1:20:56] Yeah.

[1:20:56] Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

[1:21:01] Yeah.

[1:21:01] MaximumFun.org

[1:21:04] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:06] Artist owned.

[1:21:07] Audience supported.

Ep. #304 - Zarkorr! The Invader

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