Ep. #304 - Zarkorr! The Invader

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss...

[0:02] Zarkor!

[0:03] The Invader!

[0:05] Zzzzzzz from Mars?

Elliott Kalan

[0:07] No, just the Invader.

[0:09] Oh, okay.

[0:10] Don't worry, we hadn't heard of it either.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] Oh, hey, Dan.

[0:43] It's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] And over here in Los Angeles, it's Elliot Kalin, living in a different time zone, which occasionally

[0:50] causes scheduling problems.

[0:52] But you know what?

[0:53] We're three friends who pull together through thick and thin, so we get over it.

[0:58] Yes!

[0:58] Do you remember that time?

[0:59] Do you remember that time when Stuart was late for his own wedding, and oh boy, we had

[1:03] to drive him cross-country in only 17 hours to get him there.

[1:08] And it was crazy.

[1:09] And that song, ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da, was playing the entire time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] Do you guys remember the time that the pharaoh wanted to entertain his queen?

[1:19] So this, like, kind of rapscallion character showed up at court?

[1:22] I think he, like, morphed out of a pile of sand.

[1:25] And then he sang a song.

[1:27] I do remember that time.

[1:28] And then he sang a song about, like, being in love with the queen, and you're like, what?

[1:32] I get what's going on.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] That was crazy.

[1:34] I feel like Elliot bringing up our scheduling difficulties now is him, like, laying the ground

[1:39] work so I'm not mad at him later when we try and hash out how we're going to schedule

[1:44] things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] Yeah, little does he know that that's making Dan even more angry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] Oh, no.

[1:50] Well, it does remind me of that time when, similarly, the pharaoh asked me to sing a song to entertain

[1:55] his bride.

[1:56] And I sang a song about how I was in love with the bride.

[1:58] And then they were like, yeah, Michael Jackson just sang that song yesterday.

[2:02] And I was like, what?

[2:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] Yeah, yeah.

[2:06] Your eyes popped out of your head.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Okay.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:08] Like a Tex Avery wolf.

[2:10] Let me explain a few things.

[2:11] Number one.

[2:12] We're the Flophouse.

[2:13] First principles.

[2:13] We're the Flophouse.

[2:15] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:17] Number two.

[2:18] The movie that we watched this time around is not our usual thing of recent movies.

[2:26] We've done a few movies in the theater recently.

[2:29] Normally, we do stuff that's new to streaming or DVD.

[2:32] But anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] And usually, it's a big budget spectacular.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:36] Or at the very least, whatever horror movie we could find at the moment.

[2:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:41] This week, though, we're getting around to finally.

Stuart Wellington

[2:44] It's more like a mumblecore art house movie, right?

Dan McCoy

[2:47] Yep.

[2:48] Zarkor the mumblecore.

[2:49] Yeah.

[2:50] Sure.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:50] After months and months of other stuff that we kind of had to run through, we are getting

[2:55] around to the contest winners who designed our Flophouse merch.

[3:00] Oh, great.

[3:02] And one of the prizes was to pick a movie for us to talk about.

[3:06] And the first contest winner, there were two.

[3:09] The first one is Elizabeth Steggy.

[3:12] I asked her how she pronounces her name.

[3:15] And I believe that is correct.

[3:17] Steggy?

[3:18] Steggy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] Like a nickname for a Stegosaurus in a kid's cartoon show?

[3:21] Well, that's what she said.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] She said it starts like Stegosaurus and then there's an E at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] Or what would be, what, like Plates?

[3:30] Finn?

[3:31] What would be a good nickname for a Stegosaurus?

Elliott Kalan

[3:33] I mean, I think either Steggy or like, yeah, maybe Plates could be it.

[3:38] You know, if he's like a rapper and they call him Plates.

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] Or if he works out a lot and he's always pushing Plates around.

[3:45] Yeah, that's true.

[3:45] Or if he's a busboy that's always carrying Plates.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Let me just tell you, bad idea to hire a Stegosaurus as a busboy.

[3:52] One, they can't stand on their hind legs for very long.

[3:54] So they can't carry the plates.

[3:55] Two, you got that thagomizer at the end of their tail.

[3:58] That's the actual scientific word, thagomizer, for the spikes.

[4:02] It was, Gary Larson did a joke about it in The Far Side and scientists realized, oh, we don't actually have a name for it.

[4:08] So I guess we'll just call it that.

[4:10] So it's called a thagomizer.

[4:11] But while it's swinging that thing back and forth, brushing tables, you know, it's just killing people.

[4:17] You know, it's just impaling them on the spikes.

[4:19] And then you got the worst problem at all.

[4:22] Stegosaurus has got a tiny little pea brain.

[4:23] It's roughly the size of a walnut.

[4:25] And people are going to want to eat that delicious walnut.

[4:27] So they're just going to crack open the head of your busboy, dip out that walnut, and then you got to get a new busboy.

[4:32] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[4:32] I got to tear up my business plan now.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] Yeah.

[4:35] Now here's another bad one to hire as a busboy.

[4:38] Tyrannosaurus Rex, little bitty arms.

[4:40] Can't carry a lot of plates.

Stuart Wellington

[4:42] Well, wait.

[4:43] I've never heard that.

[4:44] I always thought Tyrannosaurus Rexes were the ones with, like, super big, long arms.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] No, that's just that one Tyrannosaurus Rex that has the workout tapes that are called Blast Your Itty-Bitty Arms.

[4:55] Yep, Blast them.

[4:56] Yeah, it's called Tommy T-Rex Itty-Bitty Arm Blaster.

Dan McCoy

[4:59] What if I got Theodore Rex to be my busboy?

Elliott Kalan

[5:03] Now, then you're just going to have a lot of shenanigans.

[5:05] And you're also going to have to deal with Whoopi Goldberg hanging around the restaurant.

[5:07] I mean, that's great.

[5:08] Who wouldn't want Whoopi?

[5:09] She'll bring people in.

[5:10] A huge star.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] Yeah, well, she'll bring in Billy Crystal.

[5:12] That's who she'll bring in.

[5:13] That's about it.

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:16] Guys, let me get to what I was going to say.

[5:19] Okay.

[5:20] Which is, I asked Elizabeth to contribute a few words saying why she chose, of all movies, this movie that no one has heard of, Zarkor the Invader.

[5:30] Okay.

[5:32] And she said, Zarkor is quite possibly my favorite B-movie, and it's not one of the better-known ones, so I suppose I mostly just want to share it with others.

[5:41] I found it at a going-out-of-business sale for a video rental joint sometime around 2004.

[5:47] For me, it strikes that perfect balance of being overacted and dumb, cheaply made, etc., but with the occasional moments of brilliance and several aspects that are genuinely unique and interesting.

[5:58] It's funny.

[5:59] I would have thought that, like, rentals of Zarkor would have saved the business, but I guess not.

[6:03] I don't know if you'll feel the same way, but I love how fucked up the alien race is, how terribly the protagonist reacts to suddenly needing to save the world.

[6:11] I think I would do a similar shit job of it, to be honest.

[6:15] How cryptozoology is apparently a thing, but cryptozoologists sure as fuck don't believe in aliens.

[6:20] And how thoroughly uncharismatic and awful the nerdy hacker character is.

[6:25] Also, it has a rad closing theme.

[6:28] I don't know.

[6:29] It's full moon features doing a kaiju flick.

[6:32] If nothing else, that's fairly unique.

[6:34] I hope you guys enjoy watching it.

[6:36] Oh boy, did we ever.

[6:37] Don't want to rush to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] Stuart, were you excited when the full moon logo came up and you saw Charles Band's name in the opening credits?

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:45] I hopped up out of my chair and I started running in circles while lying on the ground.

[6:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] The old whoop, whoop, whoop.

[6:53] And you said, oh, what a good boy am I.

Stuart Wellington

[6:54] And I did it so fast that I bored a hole in the ground and I went to the center of the earth.

[6:59] And I told the magmen and they came back and watched the movie with me.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Oh, I mean, did they like it?

[7:05] Not to jump to spinal judgments.

[7:06] How did the magmen feel about it?

Stuart Wellington

[7:08] Oh, they were kind of concerned about its portrayal of, well, I don't want to talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] Okay, well, why don't we get into it?

[7:14] Zark or the Invader starts as many spine-tingling, terrifying movies begin with 90 seconds of the plainest credits I've ever seen.

[7:22] It is just like they said, what is the cheapest font that we can get?

[7:27] Well, this is the font that comes with the video editing software you're going to use.

[7:30] Just give it to me.

[7:31] Great.

[7:32] Perfect.

[7:32] Yes, of course.

[7:33] We then go to Mount Aurora, California at 10, 10 p.m.

[7:37] Did you say California wrong?

[7:41] I don't think I did.

[7:42] Let's check the tape.

[7:44] We go to Mount Aurora Cagalaga-laga.

[7:47] You're right, Stuart.

[7:48] I did.

[7:49] On reviewing the tape, instead of saying California, I said Cagalaga-laga, which is not the name of that state.

[7:54] And I should know I live here.

[7:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:57] You checked your driver's license right before saying that word.

Elliott Kalan

[8:01] Just to make sure I was pronouncing it right.

[8:03] Because California, it has the pronunciation on the license because this state is full of dumb people, as we know from 80s movies about the entertainment business.

[8:11] It's broken down fanatically.

[8:12] Exactly.

[8:13] And broken down emotionally.

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] Dumb 80s movies like Less Than Zero and what?

[8:20] Beverly Hillbillies?

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] Yeah, yeah.

[8:22] And Sophie's Choice.

[8:23] Yeah, and other 80s movies like Children of a Lesser God, Howard's End.

[8:29] The classic California movies.

[8:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:31] So anyway, we're in California.

[8:33] It's 10, 10 p.m.

[8:34] This will become important because the time is the same everywhere in the world despite how time works in real life, as we'll see.

[8:42] And 10, 10 p.m. is most exciting because it's the Tin Tin of times, if you pronounce it Dan McCoy way.

[8:48] Yeah, that's true.

[8:50] Now, Dan, did you think that Tin Tin, the cartoon boy, was that his name was just 1010 and he was a robot?

Dan McCoy

[8:55] No, I can read and understand words.

[9:00] And I don't.

[9:01] I'm not confused by that.

[9:02] And also, unlike, I guess, both of you guys.

[9:05] Are you guys talking about Tin Tin?

[9:07] Unlike, I guess, both of you, I can understand words via context clues.

[9:12] Like, I can think, like, oh, he's probably not thinking of the metal tin.

[9:16] He's thinking of the number tin.

[9:19] And so, like, I mean, homonyms do exist in the world, guys.

[9:24] Are you confused by those regularly?

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] I mean, I just, I worried that you would be listening to Love Shack, the hit song by the B-52s, and they'd say, Tin Roof Rusted.

[9:34] And you go, Tin Roofs?

[9:35] What kind of mansion is this?

Dan McCoy

[9:36] Uh-huh, and they're all rusted up.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] Better get to work.

[9:38] I wouldn't call that a shack.

[9:40] Yeah, 10 roofs on a shack?

[9:41] Oh, boy.

[9:42] Anyway, it's Mount Aurora, California.

[9:44] It's 1010 p.m.

[9:45] And a pack of blue-collar Joes witness an avalanche from which a monster emerges, which we later learn is the titular Zarqor.

[9:52] And he's kind of like, you know, how would you describe him?

[9:54] Like, he's like Godzilla, but he's got devil horns and not a lot of lower body movement.

[10:00] Mainly just waist up.

Dan McCoy

[10:02] And you would kind of assume this from the movie, but if you do any research on the film, I guess they just sort of had these special effects and wrote a movie around them.

[10:14] Oh, cool.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] It just seems, I mean, I don't know how you get that.

[10:17] I mean, the fact that the hero of the film and Zarqor the monster almost never appear in the same scene, let alone on camera together.

[10:25] Zarqor's kind of unsteady on his feet, which is understandable.

[10:28] There's fire and magma erupting behind him.

[10:30] And he just woke up.

[10:31] And he just, it's true.

[10:32] Who knows how long he's been sleeping for.

[10:34] That's true.

[10:34] But he does manage to destroy a miniature gas station.

[10:37] Cut to Newark, New Jersey, 1130 p.m.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] Yeah, we hover over the skylight of the sprawling cityscape of Newark, New Jersey.

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] Not since the HBO production logo have I seen a miniature city created with such just love in every single bit of it.

[10:55] And yet it still looks like a tiny little miniature.

Dan McCoy

[10:58] I got to say that this is one thing I appreciate about the movie because, like, the movie does this transition where the camera is zooming through these miniatures to go into this guy's apartment window.

[11:10] And, you know, the movie could have been satisfied by just, you know, going out on the street and doing a static establishing shot of a building.

[11:19] Yeah.

[11:19] And no one would be any of the wiser.

Stuart Wellington

[11:22] Throw in the Seinfeld baseline right in there.

Dan McCoy

[11:26] You got an intro.

[11:27] The movie's like, no, we got to swoop through these skyscrapers.

Elliott Kalan

[11:31] Dan, Dan, they want to get across the excitement, the enthusiasm, the exuberance of Newark, New Jersey, which is, you know, it's the hottest city on the East Coast, as you know.

[11:40] And as a New Jersey boy, I was like, finally, Newark is getting its due.

[11:43] Small quibble, 11.30 p.m. at Newark, New Jersey is actually two hours before the events we just saw in California at 10.10 p.m.

[11:52] Again, this seems to exist in a world where there are no time zones.

[11:55] Yeah.

[11:55] And it's the same time everywhere in the world.

[11:57] And that really threw me off.

[11:59] As we'll see as we go on time.

[12:01] It took you out of the movie.

[12:03] Yeah.

[12:03] After real, I was like, Zarkor, puppet monster that walks out of a mountain.

[12:07] I totally buy it.

[12:08] And destroys a very realistic looking mountain town.

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:12] Newark, New Jersey looks totally like a real miniature city.

[12:15] I am buying this.

[12:16] 11.30.

[12:17] Hold on a second.

[12:18] Hold on.

[12:19] I found the one plot hole in Zarkor the Invader.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] And this is where we're introduced to our hero, right?

[12:24] Tommy, the postal worker who watches cartoons at night?

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] Yes.

[12:28] It's 11.30 at night.

[12:29] He is still in his postal worker uniform.

[12:31] So either he is leaving to work the night shift or that's the only clothing he owns is his one uniform.

[12:37] Like a cartoon character.

[12:38] Which makes sense because he's watching cartoons on his TV in his kitchen when a tiny woman materializes on the counter and tells him that she is a mental projection.

Dan McCoy

[12:48] Sorry.

[12:49] So Audrey bought me this little soundboard for Christmas.

[12:53] And I thought that, you know, just to spice things up, make things a little more like a morning zoo crew.

[12:58] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:59] I could, you know, just toss in a few little drops every once in a while.

[13:03] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Yeah, yeah.

[13:03] Give us another drop.

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:04] So let me reset you up.

[13:06] So a tiny woman who is an alien materializes in his apartment.

[13:12] Oh, shit.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] So she fell off a cliff?

Dan McCoy

[13:19] I don't know how she materialized there.

[13:21] Maybe she jumps into a portal.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] When she gave you this, did she say this ought to spice things up a little bit?

[13:27] Because you might be using it wrong.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] I think I know what you're implying.

[13:34] I'm not quite sure how that would work.

Elliott Kalan

[13:35] I mean, I assume that this is, Dan, and I don't want to air your dirty laundry on the podcast too much in public.

[13:41] Dirty laundry.

[13:41] But I have to assume that a lot of your love play involves you being the wolf from a Tex Avery cartoon.

Dan McCoy

[13:48] I mean, that is kind of my personality to some degree.

[13:52] But, yeah, I don't think, it's not integrated, let's say.

Stuart Wellington

[13:56] Yeah, that you're some kind of a beast and partially in the shape of a man forced to wear a man's clothing.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:02] But deep down, you're a boiling cauldron of sexual energy.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] Yeah, with I assume, like, painful eyes from all the popping that happens.

[14:09] Certainly.

[14:10] I mean...

[14:11] It must hurt.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] And when your head turns into a steam whistle, that can't feel good.

[14:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] Well, anyway, I'm going to set this soundboard aside for just a second.

[14:17] And then, you know, like every once in a while, maybe it'll come back.

[14:20] Sounds great.

[14:21] I love it.

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] I mean, we have been talking, you know, we've been doing this show for a little while now, guys.

[14:25] And we've been talking about ways to spice things up.

[14:28] And I think this is a step in the right direction, Tane.

[14:30] I like it.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] I just wanted to be proactive, guys.

[14:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:35] Well, you're picking up stones and seeing what's underneath.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] And as often happens, you find great things when you pick up a stone and look what's underneath.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:45] It's rare the times that I've picked up a stone and looked underneath and not been like,

[14:48] this is good.

[14:49] I'm glad I found this.

Stuart Wellington

[14:51] Yeah.

[14:51] I've been playing a lot of Legend of Zelda.

[14:54] And a lot of times when I pick up stones, there's just like rupees sitting there.

[14:57] And I'm like, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] Guess I'm going to India.

[15:01] So anyway, so this tiny woman materializes and tells him,

[15:06] I'm a mental projection from a superior alien race.

[15:09] We have set a monster, Zarkor, to destroy the Earth unless you can stop him.

[15:13] It's a test of humanity.

[15:14] And we picked you because you are the most middling, non-exciting, average man out there.

[15:19] And his response is, his immediate response is, okay.

[15:23] Just kind of a little resigned.

[15:25] And I wish they had run with that because then he's like, wait, wait, this is crazy.

[15:28] But I love the idea of somebody being told that and just being like, oh, okay.

[15:33] Like, what do I do?

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] Yeah.

[15:34] I mean, he has, he certainly has a, he has a put upon, he has a certain put upon energy

[15:40] when explained that he is the only one who can stop them.

[15:43] In fact, we have one of my favorite line readings in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:47] How in God's name am I supposed to fight 180 foot dinosaur?

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] How am I supposed to fight 180 foot dinosaur?

Elliott Kalan

[15:55] Now.

[15:55] Well, I just like that Stuart noticed Dan's soundboard game and decided to immediately obliterate him

[16:01] by taking it to the third level.

[16:10] Wow.

[16:10] Was that one button?

[16:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:11] That was one.

[16:12] Yeah.

[16:12] He was saving that one for a big, big slam-oo moment.

[16:16] So the, so this alien who is, is basically like a, if that alien that talks of Fred Flintstone

[16:24] was played by Amy Dolenz.

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:26] The Great Gazoo character.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] Yeah.

[16:28] Or if, if you mix the Great Gazoo with Christina Applegate from Married with Children and you

[16:33] get this character.

Stuart Wellington

[16:34] Yeah.

[16:34] And there's, there's a moment where he's like, why do you look the way you look?

[16:37] And she's like, well, uh, the alien intelligence is trying to try to come up with a form that

[16:43] you find the least intimidating.

[16:45] And I'm like, guys, a, that, if you think that a guy like him is not intimidated by young,

[16:53] scantily clad women, you are wrong, my friend.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Very good point.

[16:57] Very good point.

[16:58] Although she is three inches tall, maybe that's the compensation.

[17:01] Yeah, you're right.

[17:02] So she can crawl, so at night while he's sleeping, she can just crawl into his mouth and pull

[17:06] all his teeth out?

[17:07] That's pretty scary.

[17:09] Now I, I want to say.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] What do you even need all those teeth for?

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] That's a good question.

[17:14] I, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[17:17] Is she going to use it like it is an ottoman or something?

Dan McCoy

[17:22] Maybe she's, she knows the monster from the first season of Channel Zero and she's.

[17:27] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[17:27] And she's trying to replenish his body.

Dan McCoy

[17:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:30] So she also, she also tells him, she informs him also that life has no meaning and there's

[17:34] no life after death.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] That was great.

[17:36] I love that.

[17:36] Yeah.

[17:36] He accepts that pretty, pretty easily.

[17:39] Now, this notion of him being like the absolute mean human being, the middle of the road.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] By mean, you mean average, not like, ooh, arrr.

Dan McCoy

[17:49] Yes.

[17:49] Not like a bully.

[17:50] Well, he, he says he's the mean later.

[17:52] I should, so I used that term, but I guess it was confusing.

[17:55] Uh-huh.

[17:56] This notion of him.

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] No, I also, I think that's his rap name, the mean.

[17:59] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] But him being the most average person on earth.

[18:05] Now, I feel like maybe I've seen this in science fiction before, this notion.

[18:10] I don't know where though, but I did like it.

[18:13] I did like the idea of, I thought it was kind of fun, this alien race testing humanity by

[18:18] choosing the most average person.

Stuart Wellington

[18:21] Yeah.

[18:22] Um.

[18:23] And it also, the way he behaves, if he is the most average, man, ugh, woof.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] Well, that's the, I was like, oh, holding humanity to a pretty low bar if this is the average,

[18:34] because his, for his plan is to go kidnap somebody basically.

[18:38] I love it.

[18:39] They turn on the news, and the news is interviewing a pretty cryptozoologist named Stephanie Martin,

[18:44] but the news anchor does not, is not really interested in Stephanie's answers and keeps

[18:47] cutting her off.

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] To, uh, because she's bored by what she's saying.

[18:50] Whatever!

[18:51] And she's basically like, sorry, I missed it.

[18:53] What was that one, Dan?

[18:54] Sorry, I thought this was appropriate at that time.

[18:56] Whatever!

[18:58] Dan, I want you to, Dan, to like, hold up a finger so that I know to pause when the sound

[19:03] is coming.

[19:04] Sorry.

[19:04] So I can enjoy it so much.

[19:06] And the tiny, and the tiny lady is like, hey, write all this down.

[19:10] Zarkor can't be beaten by earth weapons, including swords.

[19:13] Yep.

[19:13] And she pronounces it swords, which I found amazing.

[19:15] But there are things on earth that you can use to stop him, and Zarkor is keyed to you,

[19:20] so he's going to travel across the country to you and kill you, and you've got to stop

[19:23] him.

[19:24] But here's a hint, Zarkor contains the key to his own destruction, and you better act fast,

[19:29] Tommy.

[19:30] And then she disappears, and we never see her again in the film, which is too bad, because

[19:33] I liked that great gazoo type chemistry that they did.

Dan McCoy

[19:36] Well, I mean, she talks about how he's the only one who can see her because she's projecting

[19:42] into his mind.

[19:43] And so I assumed that she would come back later on, and that would be like a plot point that

[19:48] like, he's the only one who can see her, and everyone thinks he's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[19:51] I like the point when this very average man, when she's explaining the rules of the movie

[19:56] to him, she's like, you might want to get a pencil and paper, and he's like, do I have

[20:01] to?

[20:03] How about I just use a tape recorder?

[20:05] And she's like, of course, that wouldn't work, because only you can hear me, and yada, yada,

[20:09] yada.

Elliott Kalan

[20:10] But she does not become part of his team of heroes that he assembles.

[20:13] So Zarkor, meanwhile, in between most of the Tommy scenes, there's just footage of Zarkor

[20:17] stomping around different towns, blowing up miniatures.

[20:21] Just get, assume that every time we're not watching Tommy, we're watching Zarkor just kind

[20:25] of like, making his way across the country in the dark.

[20:28] It's always nighttime wherever Zarkor is, it's never daytime.

[20:31] Perhaps he brings a plague of darkness with him, a cloud cover that blots out the life-giving

[20:36] sun.

[20:36] But more likely, they just didn't think that much about it, and the darkness really hides

[20:40] the fact that it's like a puppet suit that they're using.

[20:43] Oh, okay.

[20:44] I would assume.

[20:45] So anyway, 1.33 a.m., Tommy, for some reason, has taken two hours to get his act together

[20:50] and go on down to the news station so that he can essentially go find the cryptozoologist.

[20:56] This takes the form of him creeping her out and ends with him in a standoff holding a gun

[21:01] to her with the security guards.

[21:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] I kind of loved this development, because it was like, okay, you're going to save the world.

[21:09] This guy immediately gets himself into a hostage situation.

Stuart Wellington

[21:13] It's kind of, it reminded me a lot of the times that I've seen an intricately plotted role-playing

[21:20] game, and the characters immediately get themselves into deep shit by doing something dumb.

[21:28] 30 minutes into this movie, we're in a tense hostage situation.

[21:31] I'm like, man, this is not going to help them stop Zarkor.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] No, and I have to admit, at the time, I was like, come on, dude.

[21:38] But then I started thinking about it, and I was like, well, what would I do in that situation?

[21:42] Could I have come up with a better plan than try to kidnap a cryptozoologist I saw on TV?

[21:47] Probably not.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:48] What this also implies is that the news station just has her on call at the studio all night

[21:52] to cover, I guess, during their live coverage of the Zarkor invasion as he walks across

[21:57] the town.

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] I mean, that's the life of a cryptozoologist.

[21:59] I like that the security guards are like, he's like, you can't take me to jail.

[22:04] And they're like, yeah, we can't.

[22:06] We're just security guards.

[22:07] But we have guns, and we can kill you.

[22:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] They're not great security guards.

[22:12] There's one that really wants to be a martyr and keeps saying, just take me out.

[22:16] Just let me go in and get him.

[22:17] And the soundtrack of the movie, this is a problem it has throughout the film, can't

[22:21] decide whether there's supposed to be a tense scene or a goofy scene.

[22:24] The music is like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

[22:27] dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[22:30] And I was like, guys, how am I supposed to feel?

[22:32] You gotta help guide me through this.

Dan McCoy

[22:33] I will say, the music is definitely a little overbearing.

[22:38] It's mixed pretty loud, and it gets kind of Mickey Mouse-y sometimes.

[22:41] That's how you get that full moon flavor, baby.

[22:43] But I also kind of like it.

[22:45] And I looked it up.

[22:46] It's by Charles Band's brother, who did almost all of the full moon stuff, including Castle

[22:54] Freak.

[22:55] And he did the music to From Beyond.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] He did the music for Reanimator.

[22:59] And you understand he's good and head of the family.

[23:02] He's good at this.

[23:02] He's got band in his name.

[23:04] Music is in his blood.

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] One main band.

[23:07] I'm looking now.

[23:08] He did all four of the Time Warrior movies.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] So he ends up taking the cryptozoologist at gunpoint into the bathroom.

[23:16] And then two cops show up.

[23:19] And he somehow manages to convince one of the cops to put a gun on his partner, who he describes

[23:28] as like a brother to him.

[23:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:30] So this one of the cops is a he's a UFO guy already.

[23:37] Yeah.

[23:37] And he's like, oh, see, this all makes sense.

[23:39] Cattle mutilation, crop circles.

[23:41] It's all been there.

[23:42] And so this cop is like, you know what?

[23:44] I'll help.

[23:45] Oh, the cop's name is George, by the way.

[23:47] And he handcuffs the other cop and they go on the run.

[23:51] And this is why.

[23:52] I mean, Tommy's an average guy.

[23:54] But you know what?

[23:55] George, he's kind of an average guy, too.

[23:57] And there's kind of like an average guy understanding between the two of them.

[24:00] And so that's why he's like, I can see into his soul.

[24:03] Meanwhile, again, Zarqor, he shows us now that he has eye lasers.

[24:06] He's just blowing stuff up.

[24:07] And our heroes are in the cop car and they listen to a radio report of Zarqor defeating the Air Force.

[24:12] So nothing can stop him.

[24:14] There's nothing.

[24:15] Tommy finally convinces Stephanie to help.

[24:19] That's the cryptozoologist.

[24:20] And the three of them hide the squad car in what the Chiron describes as the warehouse district, New Jersey, 6, 17 a.m.

[24:27] Now, here's two things I love about that.

[24:28] One, they must have been driving around for like three hours.

[24:31] Two, so this is the warehouse district for the whole state?

[24:35] Because usually like a city has a warehouse district.

[24:37] I assume by warehouse district for New Jersey, they just mean the northern half of the state.

[24:41] Since the southern half is fairly moral.

[24:42] Or Camden.

[24:43] It could be the city of Camden.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:47] But as a New Jersey guy, I was like, yeah, I guess New Jersey is kind of the warehouse district for the entire country.

[24:53] But the specificity of it I liked.

[24:55] Anyway, they argue a lot.

[24:57] And Stephanie is like, I know someone who can help us.

[25:00] And this is when maybe my least and most favorite character in the movie decides to make his entrance.

[25:06] Now, what was his name?

[25:07] I don't remember what it was.

[25:08] But this is the wheelchair-bound nerd hacker.

[25:13] He does not like that term.

[25:16] No, he doesn't like the term hacker.

[25:17] He refers to call himself a cybernaut.

[25:19] He has a nervous laugh and is constantly talking.

[25:21] He's very much the Elliot Kalin of the movie.

[25:24] Which means he is very annoying.

[25:26] But he's also like a creep.

Stuart Wellington

[25:26] Yeah, he's got some serious Joaquin Phoenix vibes here.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] But he's also like a creep.

[25:32] So he's like, oh, did Stephanie tell you she lost her virginity to her English teacher?

[25:36] They talked about it on the phone.

[25:37] I recorded it.

[25:38] And it's like, oh, so you're a maniac.

[25:40] Like, you're a terrible person.

[25:41] But this guy, he really chews the scenery.

[25:45] And he decides he's going to get them some information by hacking into government weather satellites.

[25:50] This takes roughly, what, half the movie?

[25:53] That they're just hanging around in his lab and he's just hacking?

[25:56] Like, what's going on with that?

Dan McCoy

[25:57] I personally thought that this movie had, like, a promising beginning.

[26:01] I was thinking, like, oh, this is kind of fun.

[26:03] And, you know, like, I like the notion of this guy being, you know, chosen to prove that humanity should still exist.

[26:11] And then they go to this place and they're just hanging around this computer guy.

[26:16] And I'm just like, okay, well, I'm losing interest rapidly, movie.

[26:19] Yeah.

[26:20] Could you do something?

Stuart Wellington

[26:22] Yeah.

[26:22] The movie begins almost like a Jerry forward episode of Rick and Morty.

[26:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] But they get really holed up at this place for a long time.

[26:36] Eventually, they somehow, and I couldn't quite follow their logic, decide that the monster is made out of laser light and therefore must have an off switch.

[26:44] They all just kind of accept this and run with it.

[26:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:48] I don't know about the laser light part.

[26:49] I don't know how they figured that out.

[26:51] But, like, the off switch thing, the notion, I guess, is that was the code.

[26:57] The, like, the monster holds the defeat within itself.

[27:01] Uh-huh.

[27:01] And because he is the most average person in the world, like, this is just dumb enough but just clever enough an idea.

[27:10] Oh, yeah.

[27:10] That he would come up with it.

[27:12] Is there logic, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] Maybe.

[27:15] It's one of those things where, like, we've got to find the off switch.

[27:17] Instead, they end up finding some other thing.

[27:20] Like, it's not really an off switch.

[27:21] Well.

[27:21] He just, I mean, long story short.

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] I don't know how you turn your TV off.

[27:25] I usually refocus its eye lasers back on itself.

[27:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:32] Okay.

[27:32] I don't know if that was the most appropriate one.

[27:34] I mean, you should probably save that for when Zarkar gets defeated.

[27:36] No, no.

[27:37] Which is pretty soon because there's not a lot that happens in the movie.

[27:39] And the movie's only an hour and 15.

[27:41] It's that sweet 75-minute sweet spot.

[27:43] So, anyway, there's a lot of mumbo-jumbo and radar hacking and they find out we've got to go to a small town in Arizona called Williston, Arizona.

[27:49] They fly there because despite the monster on the loose destroying the country, there are still regular flights from Newark to Phoenix.

[27:56] Or, where was it, Phoenix that they went to and then they had a rental car or something?

[27:59] Yeah.

[28:00] It's, uh, infrastructure is still working fine.

[28:02] Uh, they go there and everyone at this town has been waiting around for some government people to deal with this little flying saucer that crashed into the local diner.

[28:09] It's a little bitty.

[28:10] It looks like a Weber, one of those little Weber grills that you get when you have an apartment and you're just gonna grill on the patio.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] And they, and they show up wearing suits so everybody assumes they're government agents.

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:21] And you have to assume that they were like, oh, here comes the men in black, galaxy defenders.

[28:25] Mm-hmm.

[28:25] Here come the MIBs.

[28:26] Here come the MIBs.

[28:27] Yep, the forget-me-nots.

Dan McCoy

[28:28] Yeah, exactly.

[28:29] I liked this too, the notion that this whole town was like, uh, like when they showed up and like, finally, like they'd been expecting them.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:36] But it's a case of mistaken identity.

[28:38] That was kind of fun.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] And they're wearing, they're wearing suits now because the nerd goes, hey, while I'm looking up this stuff, go take them to get some clothes since, since it's you, a mailman, and a police officer.

[28:47] Uh, and you're not gonna get too far in those uniforms.

[28:49] And they had the opportunity for a shopping montage and they did not take it.

[28:54] Yeah.

[28:54] And I'm very disappointed.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] Yeah.

[28:56] I do love that the costuming in this movie feels a little bit like they just went to like whatever central casting, uh, like warehouse they could find.

[29:04] And they're like, well, we have this, uh, postal worker uniform, so you're gonna be a post office guy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] Because he never, aside from picking up one of those postal bins to get into the TV studio when he first goes to meet Stephanie, he doesn't do anything that he needs to be a mailman or a postal worker.

Dan McCoy

[29:19] So you wanted him to use a special mailman powers to defeat Zark or somehow.

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] I mean, if there, I wanted there to be a part where it's like, oh, what's in this Arizona town?

[29:29] Oh, Williston, Arizona.

[29:30] Oh yeah, that's zip code, da-da-da-da-da-da.

[29:32] There's a special mail route that goes there.

[29:33] Or for instance, what if he's like, I'll disguise myself as a letter, mail myself to Zark or.

[29:38] Yep.

[29:38] Zark or will open me, I'll jump out, and then I'll catch him in a bag, just like lock, stock, and barrel do with Santa Claus.

Dan McCoy

[29:44] Flat Stanley situation you're talking about, or?

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] I think it would have to, well, before that, he'd have to use a steamroller to flatten himself, a la Kevin Kline at the end of A Fish Called Wanda, so he could fit into that envelope.

Dan McCoy

[29:55] Yeah, or Judge Doom.

[29:56] Well, he's not so much flattened as just pushed down into some cement.

Elliott Kalan

[29:59] Okay, then a Judge Doom scenario.

Dan McCoy

[30:01] Thank you, Stuart, for correcting me.

[30:03] Yeah.

[30:03] And Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[30:04] Or if there was a moment where, like, he had to, like, get to Zarkor, but the only way he could do is get past, like, a dog.

[30:12] And he's like, oh no, my greatest enemy, the dog.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] I would love that.

[30:16] Or if it was like.

[30:18] Sorry, I don't have a dog on there.

[30:20] Now, Dan, I think, as you may remember from our Cats episode, Judi Dench told us cats are not dogs.

[30:24] Oh, I'm sorry.

[30:26] Just go check out the Cats episode, Smile and Stand.

[30:29] So anyway, the, uh, so yeah, or if there was a part where they were like, no one can get past it.

[30:33] He's creating hail, rain, snow, and dark of night.

[30:37] And he'd be like, none of those things will stay me from my appointed house.

[30:39] Yeah, all right, I like that one.

[30:41] Yeah.

[30:42] I'm just saying, make the most of it.

[30:43] The cop, they use a lot of his stuff.

[30:44] He has a gun, he handcuffs his partner, and then later on, for one minute, he becomes very religious when they show up at the town, and I didn't really understand that.

[30:53] But anyway, they find this, this crashed little flying saucer, and they just.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] Well, it's kind of like the movie Signs, Elliot.

[30:58] That shows like, that the, the difference, like faith, you know, it's the same no matter what you have faith in, you know?

[31:06] Whether it's, uh, whether it's like magic, or like coincidence, or whether it's, uh, water killing aliens or something.

Elliott Kalan

[31:12] Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

[31:13] Any of those things.

[31:14] Uh, and also that, I mean, aliens are out in space, they're closer to heaven, right?

Stuart Wellington

[31:19] That's actually true, yep, technically true.

[31:22] Because heaven is not a place on earth, despite what the song says.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] No, and hell is not for children, despite what that song says.

[31:29] So, there's a lot of misperceptions about heaven and hell out there.

Dan McCoy

[31:32] Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens, though, I am told.

Elliott Kalan

[31:36] Uh, I mean, that is something I have heard, but I don't know it for sure.

[31:41] I've also heard that there's a highway to hell, but I haven't seen it.

[31:45] And I also, I've not driven on it.

[31:46] I also heard life is a highway.

[31:48] Oh, wow.

[31:48] I mean, to be honest, life, if you do it the wrong way, is the highway to hell, I assume, if there is such a thing.

[31:54] Or the right way.

[31:55] I don't know, I don't, I've heard that you could also walk on sunshine, so maybe there's a highway to heaven, too.

[32:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] I also heard that children shouldn't play with dead things.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] Yeah.

[32:08] Guys, who slew Auntie Rue?

[32:10] Guys, I want to give you some directions.

[32:12] Okay, you want to avoid the highway to hell, don't take that exit.

[32:14] That highway goes to the danger zone.

[32:16] You don't want to deal with that one.

[32:18] No, no.

[32:18] Stick to this one, the highway to heaven.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] I also heard that, don't tell mom the babysitter's dead.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] You heard that?

[32:27] But don't, but don't tell her it's me, also.

[32:29] Don't tell her it's me, aka the boyfriend school.

[32:31] Yeah.

[32:34] I don't know, you're killing school.

[32:35] Okay, but guys, but guys, but guys, who's Harry Crumb?

[32:42] John Candy?

[32:43] One more question for you, one more question.

[32:45] Okay.

[32:45] What about Bob?

[32:48] Okay.

[32:52] All right, sorry.

[32:53] What sound was that?

Dan McCoy

[32:54] That was an oh yeah, like a sort of a...

Elliott Kalan

[32:58] Oh, like the song by Yellow, as seen in the Twix commercials, Smile and Stand.

[33:03] Anyway, the heroes take this little flying saucer, and Tommy is like, we got to head straight

[33:07] to Zarkor.

Stuart Wellington

[33:08] It kind of looks like an old-timey construction worker's hat, but real big.

Elliott Kalan

[33:13] Yeah, yeah.

[33:13] Yeah, so let's describe this flying saucer.

[33:15] It's like a...

[33:16] It's like a...

[33:17] I couldn't tell...

[33:18] At one point, they referred to it as a sphere, but I thought it was just like a dome.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] Yeah, it's like a weird plate.

[33:23] And they say that the...

[33:24] That it's...

[33:25] That diamonds won't scratch it, which is weird that this dude found it, and he's like,

[33:29] I'm gonna start rubbing diamonds on this.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] It's funny because they're like, diamonds won't scratch it.

[33:37] Look at this.

[33:38] Nothing can get through it.

[33:39] And they're like, did you try to open it up?

[33:40] And it's like, yeah, dude.

[33:41] That's how we figured out the information we just gave you.

[33:44] I think the heroes are not really paying attention at that point.

[33:47] So they're gonna go to where Zarkor is.

[33:49] They encounter a roadblock, and they try to bluff their way through it, which does not

[33:53] work at all.

[33:55] George, the policeman, is like, hey, my mom's in there.

[33:57] I gotta go find her.

Stuart Wellington

[34:01] It was terrible.

[34:01] It was such a, like, a fuck-up.

[34:03] It was awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] Yeah, and the guy's like, everyone's been evacuated, which is not true, because when

[34:07] Tommy finds himself in the town, there's people running around.

[34:10] But Tommy is, like, super intense.

[34:12] He's almost in a trance now, as if he's come to accept the importance of his mission.

[34:17] And that he really is the only one who can save the world from Zarkor.

[34:20] Uh-huh.

[34:21] Guys, did you feel like he, like, suddenly started taking things seriously?

Stuart Wellington

[34:24] Oh, yeah.

[34:25] He certainly stepped up his game.

[34:27] And there's a moment where he has a plan, and he's like, okay, I got this, guys.

[34:33] Trust me.

[34:34] And George, like Nod said, he's like, sure, Tommy's got this.

[34:37] And then, like, Stephanie in the backseat.

[34:39] Her name's Stephanie, right?

[34:40] Yeah, Stephanie.

[34:40] She's in the backseat, like, kind of takes a second looking at both of them.

[34:43] She's like, uh, do you have a plan?

[34:47] Like, I do like that she is the, she is clearly much more intelligent than these two guys,

[34:53] and is just being dragged around by these two maniacs.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Yeah, it takes her a long time to get on board with their saving the world idea, which, to

[35:01] be honest, again, if I was in her position, I gotta say, it would take me a while to come

[35:06] around to it.

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:07] I would not be a George and just be like, yeah, that makes sense.

[35:09] I'd be a Stephanie.

[35:10] I don't think she's...

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] She did have a gun held.

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:14] Like, she did have a crazy guy show up at a news station in a post office workers uniform.

Dan McCoy

[35:18] I don't think she's so much against the idea of saving the world, but the methodology is

[35:23] kind of her argument.

[35:24] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] Oh, no, no.

[35:25] She's like, tear it all down.

[35:27] It's time to restart from the beginning.

[35:29] Yeah.

[35:29] This place is too corrupt.

[35:30] She's a real Joaquin Phoenix and Joker.

[35:32] It's the second time we've mentioned it in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[35:34] She's got a tape deck queued up to, what is that, Wave Mutilation to play as the whole

[35:40] world collapses.

Dan McCoy

[35:41] Oh, I thought you were going to say Rock and Roll No. 2.

[35:43] I mean, if you're making a Fight Club reference, it's Where's My Mind.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] Uh-huh.

[35:48] Oh, Where's My Mind.

[35:48] Thank you.

[35:49] Yeah.

[35:50] Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] Dude, where's my car?

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] I love movies whose titles are question marks.

[35:59] Because it's like the movie maker is saying, I can only promise you that the movie will answer

[36:03] this one question.

[36:05] Yeah.

[36:05] If you were wondering, if you're so dumb that when you watch a movie you're having trouble

[36:08] figuring out what the characters want to find out, let me just put it in the title so that

[36:12] you know for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[36:13] Yeah.

[36:14] It's like how my friend Alejandro was saying that the cover of every book should ask a question

[36:19] that only the interior can answer.

[36:22] And that's kind of what the question as a movie title does.

[36:25] Like, who is Harry Crumb?

[36:27] I don't fucking know.

[36:28] He's stuck to a window.

[36:30] That's about it.

[36:30] Yeah, that's it.

[36:31] That's all anyone ever knows about him.

[36:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] Or like the title of Hot Dogs, the movie.

[36:36] Is it this guy?

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] Is it John Candy?

[36:40] It doesn't say so on the cover.

Elliott Kalan

[36:42] Do you think there's some guy who, when who's Harry Crumb walked out, passed by the poster

[36:46] and was like, I don't fucking know.

[36:47] Don't ask me, dude.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:49] Because at the time also, everyone was talking about who's Harry Crumb.

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:52] Who's Harry Crumb was on everybody's lips.

[36:54] So you think he was constantly being like, why is everyone trying to ask me who Harry Crumb

[36:58] is?

[36:58] And eventually it drove him insane.

Dan McCoy

[37:00] I mean, that was my reaction to Meet Joe Black.

[37:02] I'm like, what if I don't want to?

[37:03] Don't tell me what to do.

[37:04] You're not my dad movie.

[37:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] I feel like every movie that is just the name of the main character, it should have meat.

[37:15] Meat Citizen Kane.

[37:18] Meat Nell.

[37:23] Meat Hoffa.

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] Yeah, I'm a meat Hoffa.

[37:29] So, but then the movie Dave would be called Meet Dave, which is already a movie.

[37:33] Stuart, we've got a problem.

[37:34] Oh, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[37:36] How do I untangle this?

[37:38] Okay, we got to work our way backwards.

Dan McCoy

[37:40] What about, yeah, if you call it Meet, Meet Dave, you're just saying, like, you got to

[37:44] meet the movie.

[37:45] Like, you're holding up a DVD.

[37:46] Like, meet, meet, Dave.

Stuart Wellington

[37:47] But, wait.

[37:48] A movie's not a person, right?

[37:49] So we can't do that.

[37:50] No.

[37:51] But there are some movies that have the name of a person.

[37:53] Yeah.

[37:54] Oh, I'm so confused.

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] Oh, man.

[37:57] And so you'd have a movie called Meet Aaron Brockovich, which makes sense.

[38:00] And then what about a movie called, like, what if it was, like, Meet Zorro?

[38:05] And you'd be like, wait, but Zorro, he's a guy, but he's not real.

[38:08] He's a fictional character.

[38:10] But what if it was a movie that was called Meet Meat?

[38:13] And the movie's about meat.

Stuart Wellington

[38:14] Or Meet Midnight Meat Train.

[38:16] And you're like, oh, my God.

[38:18] Wait, I got to get it.

[38:19] You're running into that homonym problem.

[38:21] That's what I was talking about before.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] Yeah.

[38:22] I got to go meet this train at midnight?

[38:24] Like, I'm going to be sleeping.

Dan McCoy

[38:26] Yeah.

[38:26] I'm busy feeling Minnesota right now.

[38:28] I can't do that.

[38:32] What a dumb name.

Elliott Kalan

[38:37] Okay, guys.

[38:37] Long story short.

[38:38] Actually, very short story.

[38:40] A little bit shorter, because the movie is not very long.

[38:42] Tommy just drives through this roadblock.

[38:44] After his friends get out of the car, he runs into town.

[38:47] And the monster shoots his lasers at him.

[38:49] He holds up the saucer like Jason with his shield.

[38:54] No, not Jason.

[38:55] I'm sorry.

[38:55] Like Perseus with his shield.

[38:57] With Perseus reflecting the eye beams of Medusa.

[39:00] He reflects Zarkor's eye lasers back on him.

[39:02] Zarkor is destroyed.

[39:05] And Tommy wakes up in a hospital.

[39:07] Wait, what was that?

[39:08] Sorry.

[39:08] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[39:11] It says goal.

[39:12] Oh.

[39:14] Just because, you know, his aim was so good.

[39:16] You know, this is, all right, hold on.

[39:18] This bit is over, except for I do have to, before I retire it, there's a sound effect that's listed as twaddle.

[39:26] Oh.

[39:26] And I just got to see what that is.

[39:28] So, hold on.

[39:29] Ta-ta-m-tale-tale.

[39:31] Oh, that's good.

[39:32] I like that one.

[39:33] All right.

[39:33] Nice job.

[39:34] So, that's that.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] Dan's making a note on the device.

[39:37] He's writing, use only for love play.

[39:40] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[39:40] Okay.

[39:41] All right.

[39:42] I have a card here where I've been ranking the sounds.

[39:46] I think twaddle is at the top.

[39:48] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[39:48] Yeah, it's just, yeah, just upset the whole rankings.

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] Now, the thing is, you guys may not know this.

[39:54] I don't need a portable soundboard because I have one.

[39:56] It's called Sammy Kalin, six-year-old.

[39:59] Oh, okay.

[39:59] And he'll just walk around going, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[40:02] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] Oh, that's great.

[40:03] Yeah, yeah.

[40:04] You're pushing for him to be one of the cast in Police Academy Kids, right?

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] It's called.

[40:12] Taking over the Michael Winslow role.

[40:14] It's called Police Academy Junior.

[40:16] And they're all the kids of the characters from the previous Police Academy.

[40:20] Oh, wow.

[40:20] And there's no reason Sammy can't be Michael Winslow's son.

[40:23] Come on.

[40:23] And so I think there's like a little Hightower who's really short.

[40:27] And so that's the joke.

[40:28] Oh, that's hilarious.

[40:29] She's really short.

[40:30] Her name is Hightower.

[40:31] And then there's Bobcat Goldthwait's characters who's named Bob Kitten.

[40:36] Yeah.

[40:36] And there's, I don't remember the names of the other characters.

[40:39] There's that lady who's real tough.

[40:41] There's Steve Guttenberg.

[40:42] Mahoney.

[40:43] There's, yeah, Mahoney.

[40:45] Tackleberry.

[40:46] So Tackleberry, their kid is like a pacifist.

[40:49] He doesn't like guns.

[40:51] Yeah, he's a pacifist.

[40:52] No, no.

[40:52] Hates guns and is really into collectible card games.

[40:55] Uh-huh.

[40:55] And is always like, and also apps with in-app purchases.

[40:59] So Tackleberry is like, I can't afford this on a policeman's salary.

[41:02] You're buying all this Minecraft stuff in the app.

[41:05] And he's like, eh, whatever.

[41:06] It's not real money.

[41:07] He's like, yes, it is real money.

[41:08] This is terrifying.

[41:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:10] Elliot, I want to just rewind a moment, though.

[41:13] Now, this Hightower child, you said the thing is that she's really short.

[41:17] Yeah.

[41:18] Now, is it particularly funny that a child is small?

[41:21] Because it is my experience that most children are actually short.

[41:25] Naturally.

[41:26] That's a good point.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] Well, that is fair that children are naturally shorter than adults.

[41:30] Yes.

[41:30] But there's also height as you, I mean, height's not binary.

[41:34] Height is a very fluid.

[41:36] Right.

Dan McCoy

[41:37] So you're saying that this child can be as small as the character in this movie, the alien intelligence, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] I mean, children can be as small as a single cell really early on when they're just starting.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] Apparently, according to some online resource, my friend's child is about the size of a chinchilla growing inside of her stomach.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Not as soft, though.

[42:00] Not as soft.

[42:01] If you touch that growing baby, it would be real icky sticky and not at all soft like a chinchilla.

[42:05] Oh, cool.

[42:05] Thank you for warning me.

Dan McCoy

[42:06] I was about to.

[42:07] Yeah.

[42:07] I don't know much about children.

[42:09] I just know, as Stuart said earlier, they shouldn't play with dead things.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] Yep.

[42:13] I mean, that kind of goes for everybody, right?

[42:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] Well, marticians?

[42:17] Uh-huh.

[42:18] Yeah.

[42:18] If people weren't playing with dead things, we would have like all of our medical advancements in human history.

[42:23] Think about it.

[42:24] It depends on what play is defined as, I guess.

[42:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] See, I would call that work.

[42:28] But, you know, I guess if you love your job, you never work a day in your life.

[42:32] So there's some martician who's like-

Elliott Kalan

[42:34] The Victor Frankenstein story.

[42:36] There's some mortician who has an assistant and the new body comes in and he goes, it's playtime.

[42:41] And the assistant is like, uh, I want to work somewhere else.

[42:44] Yeah.

[42:45] So guys-

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] He's like, I thought this was just a job where I got to eat sandwiches.

Elliott Kalan

[42:50] The guy's like, okay, let's just throw out that myth right now.

[42:55] In every movie, the guy doing the autopsy is always eating a sandwich.

[42:59] And I'm offended by that.

[43:00] I have a full three-course Italian meal.

[43:02] That's right.

[43:03] There's a pasta course.

[43:04] There's a meat course.

[43:05] Uh-huh.

[43:06] And then a cheese course every time I'm autopsying a body.

[43:09] I won't settle for a regular sandwich.

[43:11] So would you like more lasagna bolognese while you're cutting open that corpse?

[43:17] And he's going to be like, uh, I don't know if I want any.

[43:19] No, no, you should have some.

[43:21] It's delicious.

[43:22] And then maybe like-

[43:24] How about these seven fishes?

Dan McCoy

[43:25] Would you like some of those?

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] Oh, so it's a whole feast of the seven fishes every time that they've got work to do, huh?

Dan McCoy

[43:31] Yeah.

[43:33] So anyway, there's-

Elliott Kalan

[43:35] Two minutes or so left.

[43:36] Tommy wakes up in a hospital.

[43:38] He's now famous.

[43:39] Everybody loves him.

[43:40] And the reporter from earlier is like, there are even some people who want you to run for president.

[43:44] And he goes, okay.

[43:45] And that's how the movie ends.

[43:47] With the promise of a Tommy third-party campaign for president on the Zarkor killing platform.

[43:53] And then there's a pretty rockin' song over the credits about Zarkor.

[43:58] Like, I love any movie that has a song about the main character or the monster.

[44:03] And this one takes itself-

[44:04] This one's having fun, but it takes itself seriously.

[44:06] It is not telling jokes about Zarkor.

[44:08] It is warning you through the medium of rock and roll about Zarkor.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] Yeah.

[44:12] Dan was singing his favorite theme song that mentions the main character that played over

[44:16] the credits of Meet Joe Black.

[44:17] Do you want to sing a couple bars of that, Dan?

[44:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:20] It's like, he goes, he's really death, death in human form.

[44:26] Meet Joe Black.

[44:27] Meet Joe Black.

[44:30] That's pretty good.

Stuart Wellington

[44:31] That's what was going on.

[44:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:33] Yeah.

[44:34] Yeah, Stuart, I know you missed the first 10 and last 10 minutes of the movie.

[44:37] So you were like, why is everyone being so awkward around this Joe Black guy?

[44:40] Yeah.

[44:41] Did you ever see, there's a scene in the movie where Anthony Hopkins is trying to come up

[44:45] with a fake name to describe death to his kids.

[44:48] And they're like, what's his name?

[44:50] He has a name, right?

[44:52] Yeah.

[44:53] And I remember Conan O'Brien did a bit where, when the movie came out, where they just were

[44:57] looping that moment over and over again, pretty much, or re-editing it so it stretched

[45:00] on for like a minute of him not being able to come up with a name.

Dan McCoy

[45:06] It was really funny.

[45:07] Funny stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] It was, yeah.

[45:10] Okay.

[45:10] It was a funny thing.

[45:11] Funny bit.

[45:11] So, Zarkor, guys.

[45:14] Final judgments.

[45:15] Is this a good, bad movie?

Dan McCoy

[45:16] A bad, bad movie?

[45:17] A movie you kind of like?

[45:17] Elliot, what were you going to say?

Elliott Kalan

[45:19] Guys, I'm going to admit it.

[45:20] This is a movie I kind of liked for three main reasons.

[45:24] One, I love giant monster movies, and I love giant monster movies where the special effects

[45:29] are not amazing.

[45:30] Like, to be honest, I would rather watch Zarkor the Invader than Godzilla, the most recent

[45:36] one.

[45:36] What was it called?

[45:37] Was it called Godzilla?

[45:38] King of the Monsters.

[45:39] Yeah.

[45:40] Yeah.

[45:40] I would rather watch this than that.

[45:42] But also, it was kind of like a goofy movie that like had a few funny, like genuinely funny

[45:48] ideas and moved along fast.

[45:51] And guys, it's so short.

[45:52] There's something.

[45:53] Yeah, it's an hour 20.

[45:54] There's really something joyous about starting a movie and being like, oh, I'm going to finish

[45:59] this kind of before I realize I'm watching it.

[46:02] Yeah.

[46:03] But I feel like...

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] That's why I was so excited when I'm like, we're half an hour into this 75-minute movie,

[46:09] and they're still in a hostage situation in a TV station.

[46:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] I feel like this...

[46:17] They kind of...

[46:17] They knew exactly what kind of movie they were making, and they made it, and I enjoyed

[46:21] it.

[46:22] But what did you guys think?

[46:22] Yeah.

[46:23] What do you think, Stan?

Stuart Wellington

[46:23] Yeah.

[46:23] I'm kind of in the same boat.

[46:24] I might lean more toward like a good, bad movie.

[46:28] I think it's fun to watch with people.

[46:29] I mean, I had fun watching it by myself.

[46:31] But, you know, if you're comfortable with yourself, you can have a good time just by yourself.

[46:40] You know what I mean, Dan?

[46:41] I have a good time by myself all the time.

[46:43] Oh, awesome.

[46:44] Yo, Stan.

[46:45] Wait a minute.

[46:46] Oh, damn.

[46:46] So, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[46:47] I'm with Stuart in that I think it's kind of between a movie kind of like kind of good,

[46:53] bad.

[46:53] However, I don't know.

[46:56] I really wished I had been watching it with other people.

[47:00] As it was at an hour 20, I was kind of like, okay, this could be half as long because the

[47:05] middle sags a lot.

[47:08] I would say, you know, like, it's not streaming for free anywhere.

[47:11] You have to get, like, I had to pay to rent it, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend

[47:14] anyone do that.

[47:16] But...

[47:16] No, I agree.

[47:17] I agree.

[47:17] I don't think it's worth...

[47:19] It might be an answer to that.

[47:20] You get a bunch of pals to kick in five cents to each watch.

Stuart Wellington

[47:22] I mean, I think it's streaming for free on the Full Moon Video app.

Dan McCoy

[47:27] Oh, okay.

[47:27] So, if you're already subscribed to the Full Moon Video, then...

[47:31] Yeah.

[47:31] There you go.

[47:33] Then Stuart wants to be your friend.

[47:35] Go on.

Elliott Kalan

[47:38] Guys.

[47:39] So, that was final judgments.

[47:41] There are worse things you could put in your eyeballs and your ear holes than this movie.

[47:46] Like needles.

[47:48] Uh, yeah.

[47:49] That goes without saying, Dan.

[47:50] Why would you even suggest that?

[47:52] I suggested it.

[47:53] You suggested it.

[47:55] Uh, I was talking about, like, I don't know, other movies?

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] What about those weird little, like, candles that you burn to burn off all your earwax?

[48:03] Yeah, your candles.

Elliott Kalan

[48:04] What about those?

[48:04] I mean, don't put them in your eyes.

[48:06] You don't have eye wax.

[48:07] That's crazy.

[48:08] Don't talk to me about what I have.

[48:11] Okay, fair point.

[48:12] Sorry, Dan.

[48:12] I didn't mean to judge.

[48:13] Maybe your eyes are full of wax.

[48:19] Hey, J. Keith.

John Hodgman

[48:20] Hey, Helen.

[48:21] I hear you have a true-false quiz you want me to finish.

S4

[48:23] I do.

[48:24] Here we begin.

[48:26] We host a trivia game show podcast on the MaxFun Network called Go Fact Yourself.

[48:31] True.

[48:32] Correct.

[48:32] The show is all about celebrity guests answering trivia questions about things J. Keith enjoys.

John Hodgman

[48:37] False.

[48:38] We sometimes don't talk about baseball or cats.

S4

[48:40] Thank God.

[48:41] It's questions about things they enjoy.

[48:43] Next, we bring on surprise experts every episode.

[48:46] True.

[48:47] Correct.

[48:47] Final question.

[48:48] It's just the two of us sitting alone with these guests.

[48:51] False.

[48:52] Correct.

[48:52] We have a live audience at the Angel City Brewery.

[48:56] See?

[48:57] You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month.

[49:01] And if you don't listen, you can go fact yourself.

[49:04] True.

John Hodgman

[49:09] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

S6

[49:11] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor.

[49:13] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

John Hodgman

[49:16] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[49:18] You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my

[49:23] internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[49:26] I hear their cases.

[49:27] I ask them questions.

[49:28] They're good ones.

[49:29] And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong.

Dan McCoy

[49:32] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst

[49:36] dad jokes of all time.

S6

[49:38] Instead of cutting his own hair with a flowbee, my husband has his hair cut professionally.

[49:44] I have to join a community theater group.

John Hodgman

[49:46] And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals.

[49:49] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[49:51] Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

[49:58] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

Dan McCoy

[50:05] Let's move on to our sponsor this week.

[50:10] Now, of course, the Flophouse is largely sponsored in part by listeners like you.

[50:16] And in March, the MaxFunDrive will be coming up, but we don't need to talk about that just

[50:20] yet.

[50:21] It is also sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[50:24] Squarespace.

[50:25] Which is a company that allows you to make websites.

[50:29] Well, it doesn't allow you to make websites.

[50:31] You know, like you can make a website no matter what.

Elliott Kalan

[50:33] You don't need Squarespace's permission, man.

[50:36] Get off my back, Squarespace.

[50:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:37] It will help you.

[50:38] It will assist you in the making of a website.

[50:40] If you are not a programmer, if you do not know HTML, this is a very convenient way of

[50:45] doing it.

[50:45] It will allow you to blog or publish content, sell products and services of all kinds, and

[50:50] much, much more by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[50:57] Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[50:59] A lot of people are going to be looking at your website on an iPhone or other smartphone.

[51:04] I wouldn't...

[51:04] I'm sorry for you shilling for Apple.

[51:06] Any phone.

[51:08] Yeah.

[51:08] Any kind of phone.

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] Not a burner phone, though, right?

[51:11] No, no, no.

[51:12] Or a rotary phone.

[51:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:13] Or hopefully not one of those exploding Samsungs either.

Stuart Wellington

[51:17] Not a sploding Samsung.

Dan McCoy

[51:19] But it's a new way...

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] Dan, it sounds like you're still talking down Apple's rivals when you're talking about one

[51:25] of those exploding Samsungs.

[51:27] So maybe don't mention brands of phones.

Dan McCoy

[51:29] Yeah.

[51:29] Well, anyway, it's a new way to buy domains.

[51:31] Choose from over 200 extensions.

[51:33] Free and secure hosting.

[51:35] Go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[51:40] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first

[51:46] purchase of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] Now, Dan, I had an idea for a website, and I was wondering if Squarespace could help me.

[51:52] Probably, but I'm not going to listen because I got to go pee.

[51:54] You talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:55] I mean, you can tell me, or we can just pause the recording.

[51:58] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[51:59] I mean, I could...

[51:59] Nope.

[52:00] Okay, I'll tell Stuart because Dan had to announce his peeing.

[52:03] So anyway, I mean, now I want listeners to go back and listen to the last 10, 15 minutes

[52:08] of the show, knowing that Dan had to pee probably that whole time.

[52:12] Yeah.

[52:12] And see, like, what does it make you think about the way he's saying?

[52:16] Does it add a little bit of extra, like, meaning, a frisson to it?

[52:19] Is it like...

[52:20] Sure.

[52:20] Now it's like a Harold Pinter thing.

[52:21] It's about what he's not saying.

[52:22] And what he's not saying is he has to urinate.

[52:24] His bladder is filling with liquid to the point where his body needs to release it.

[52:28] And he's not going to do that just sitting next to Stuart in his living room,

[52:31] or is he?

Stuart Wellington

[52:32] I mean, maybe.

[52:34] You know, what was that website idea you had?

Elliott Kalan

[52:37] I kind of want to save it until Dan comes back, but I guess I'll talk about it.

[52:40] No.

[52:40] So my idea was we all love parkour, right?

[52:44] I do.

[52:44] Certainly.

[52:45] It's a way to get through urban environments without just walking around.

[52:48] But it's been so long that we've had parkour, and it's time for a new development.

[52:52] What about a new way to get around or through the bodies of monsters?

[52:56] I call it Zarkor.

[52:57] Okay.

[52:58] And it's a way to travel up and down a monster in just imaginative ways,

[53:03] using natural handholds, and not just walking around.

[53:07] Oh, yeah.

[53:07] So anyway...

Stuart Wellington

[53:07] It's kind of like Shadow of the Colossus, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] Yeah, I guess that's the way to put it.

[53:11] So I wanted to do a website called Zarkor.org.

[53:14] This is a nonprofit that shows people and helps connect people who have an interest...

[53:18] Shows people how to climb around monsters and connects people who have a shared interest

[53:22] in climbing around monsters.

[53:23] And there's a dating aspect of it, too.

[53:25] Yeah.

[53:25] Because it's hard to find someone who's also interested in climbing around monsters to

[53:29] share a life with or even just to have some fun with.

[53:33] So anyway, that's Zarkor.org, a nonprofit about monster-based parkour and perhaps romantic

[53:39] opportunities that arise from...

Stuart Wellington

[53:41] How are you going to monetize this, Elliot?

[53:42] Is it going to be like a subscription-based service, or is there going to be like a shop

[53:47] element where you sell branded merchandise?

Elliott Kalan

[53:50] Now, again, it is a nonprofit.

[53:51] So everything we make gets poured right back into mapping monsters and coming up with new

[53:56] ways to get around them and climb up or through them or over them.

[53:59] But we would make money.

[54:00] We would sell branded merchandise, and we'd also have like a donor page.

[54:03] We'll, of course, be reaching out to corporate sponsors and grants from places like the Ford

[54:10] Foundation to make sure that we can get that money together because there's a whole world

[54:14] of monsters that need climbing on out there.

[54:16] And there's a whole world of lonely people who like climbing on monsters who need to be

[54:20] connected.

[54:20] Yeah, connected, yeah.

[54:21] Whether that's for a casual encounter or something a little more formal.

[54:25] There's no strings attached when you're climbing a monster.

[54:28] Unless you have a string attached to the monster while you're climbing.

[54:30] I mean, I wouldn't call that Zarkor, though.

[54:32] That's more kind of old-fashioned monster climbing.

[54:34] Oh, okay.

[54:35] Zarkor is all handholds or footholds.

[54:37] You're not attached to anything.

[54:39] And you're looking for what is the most interesting route around or through this monster.

Stuart Wellington

[54:43] Yep.

[54:43] And your friends can stand and TikTok you while you're doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] Oh, for sure.

[54:48] We actually have another app that you shoot videos with called ZickZock.

[54:51] And it's for monster climbing, but it's these little videos that you make.

[54:55] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[54:56] Yeah.

[54:56] Okay.

[54:56] Well, I'm back.

[54:57] So let's move on.

[54:58] Hey.

[54:59] Hey.

[55:00] We're doing a live show in Toronto on April 18th.

[55:04] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[55:06] We're going to be part of the What the Film Festival.

[55:08] Uh-huh.

[55:08] And we're going to be putting up a ticket link on our website, flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[55:14] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[55:15] We will.

[55:15] Yes.

[55:16] I will get on that the moment I remember to do so.

Stuart Wellington

[55:19] And a little closer to the-

[55:20] Hopefully very soon.

[55:22] And a little closer to the actual event.

[55:24] We will announce the movie that we are going to be reviewing for that show, either on Twitter,

[55:31] Well, probably on Twitter and on Facebook, you know, something like that.

[55:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] And on this very show, likely.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] Oh, most likely.

[55:39] I'd also like to take a moment and plug a friend's business.

[55:45] This Toronto show was helped in part by my friend's travel agency.

[55:51] It's a small travel agency called Huckleberry Travel.

[55:54] They've been friends of the show for a while, and they've certainly helped with my and Dan's travel.

Dan McCoy

[56:00] And we went on an Alaska cruise together, Stuart and I and some others.

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] And they did such a hands-on travel agent job, they actually came along on the cruise with us.

Dan McCoy

[56:11] Now, they won't do that, I think, for you, the listener.

[56:14] Maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[56:15] Maybe if your trip's super badass.

[56:17] So, yeah.

[56:18] Check out huckleberrytravel.com.

Elliott Kalan

[56:20] Once, a friend of mine and I went on a trip on a log raft down the Mississippi River, and they really helped us with it.

[56:27] Huckleberry Travel.

Dan McCoy

[56:28] Uh-huh.

[56:29] And, of course, we're going to try and do, we hope to do a ton more live shows this coming year.

[56:35] I mean, not a ton.

[56:37] Well, no, not a ton.

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] No, 2,000 pounds worth of live shows.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] We're working with our booking agent to arrange a lot more shows, so we may be coming near you.

Elliott Kalan

[56:48] Who knows?

[56:48] But I would also say, if you manage or own a venue, and you'd be interested in us coming by, why not reach out to us?

[56:57] Yeah.

[56:58] Either through our website, or on Twitter, or through our Facebook page.

[57:02] And let us know if you think you would have interest in having the Flophouse come to your venue.

[57:06] We'd love to get a sense of what's out there, but where we'll be for sure is in Toronto, April 18th, at the What the Film Fest.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] Yeah, no Texas Chainsaw Massacers, please.

[57:15] Don't invite us to do a show and then murder us.

Elliott Kalan

[57:18] Oh, man.

[57:18] Or invite us to do a show, and it turns out it's like a weird, gross town that has a roller coaster that strips the flesh off of people's bones.

[57:24] We do not need that.

[57:25] That actually sounds pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[57:27] No.

[57:28] Was Leatherface inviting that van of kids to do a show?

[57:32] Was that what was happening in Texas Chainsaw Massacers?

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] Well, I mean, his brother is the one who kind of invites him when he gets in the back of the thing and starts acting all bonkers.

Elliott Kalan

[57:42] The hitchhiker, eventually named Chop Top.

[57:44] Yeah.

[57:44] Okay.

[57:45] Now, actually, I guess you guys don't realize that that movie was the first South by Southwest.

[57:51] Okay.

[57:52] That was the first South by Southwest festival was a van full of kids getting killed by Leatherface.

[57:56] Oh, wow.

[57:56] Well, not all the kids got killed.

[57:58] One got away.

[57:59] One got away.

[58:00] And she was like, I went to this amazing festival.

[58:02] And that's just word of mouth.

[58:03] YOLO.

[58:05] I mean, still better than the Fyre Festival, weirdly.

[58:08] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:09] Now, unless there are any more objections from the floor, we're going to move on to letters.

[58:13] Oh, letter bag.

[58:14] Letters from listeners.

[58:16] Listeners like you.

[58:17] This first letter is from Brendan, last name withheld, who says,

[58:22] Good afternoon, flopsters.

[58:25] I recently attended the Judge John Hodgman.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] It is the afternoon.

[58:28] How did he know?

Dan McCoy

[58:29] Who knows?

[58:30] Who's his source?

[58:33] He could be outside the apartment right now.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] Yeah, he's standing over Dan's shoulder, threatening to chop off his head if he stops podcasting,

[58:40] the way Robert Howard claimed Conan would do.

[58:43] Okay.

[58:44] Wait, if Robert, so Conan was a big podcast fan?

[58:50] Because Robert Howard did a podcast with his buddy H.P. Lovecraft.

[58:53] They would Skype.

Dan McCoy

[58:57] All right.

[58:57] I was taking that moment to put some chapstick on.

[58:59] Okay.

[59:00] Yeah, yeah.

[59:00] He's drying him out.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] Dan, we don't need to know these things.

[59:02] Dan, we didn't need to know about the peeing.

[59:04] We didn't need to know about the chapstick.

[59:05] Remember the time you opened a package during the episode?

[59:08] That was content for the episode.

Dan McCoy

[59:11] It's all hot content.

[59:11] People were amused that there was a water pick inside.

[59:14] I firmly believe that.

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] I'm just saying that you need to have a division between your personal life and your professional

[59:20] life.

[59:20] Okay.

[59:20] Or else, you're not going to know who you are.

[59:22] Are you the Dan character?

[59:23] Or are you Dan the man?

[59:24] Are you Dan in real life?

[59:25] That's...

[59:25] Or do you not have a pillow made out of pancakes?

Dan McCoy

[59:27] That's somewhat true.

[59:28] That is true.

[59:29] Okay.

[59:29] Well, anyway, Brandon writes,

[59:31] Oh, man, yeah.

[59:49] Well, that's better than booze.

[59:50] Now, I got to take issue with this.

[59:53] There was...

[59:54] I would call it a smattering of applause.

Stuart Wellington

[59:58] It was like when we went to that Stuff You Should Know at the Bell House.

[1:00:05] Yeah.

[1:00:05] And I was trying to sneak out of there.

[1:00:07] And then Chuck was like,

[1:00:10] Yeah, and if you come by after,

[1:00:11] Stuart and Dan of the Flophouse will be around.

[1:00:13] And I'm like, God damn it.

[1:00:14] No one clapped.

[1:00:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] No, I...

[1:00:17] There were a few people who recognized the Flophouse and were cheering.

[1:00:25] It was not like, however, Hodgman's book reading at Books Are Magic,

[1:00:31] where he also did the same thing, saying Dan McCoy at the Flophouse is in the crowd.

[1:00:34] And there I would say the response could be best described as baffled.

[1:00:40] But moving on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] Well, I mean, I went to a John Hodgman book reading event,

[1:00:44] and he made sure to point out that Cory Doctorow was in the crowd.

[1:00:48] My name went unmentioned.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:50] Oh, wow.

[1:00:51] Yeah, I mean, was that the book event that I showed up at and then left before it started?

[1:00:55] Yeah.

[1:00:56] I didn't like the energy in the room.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:00] There were a bunch of dogs there.

[1:01:03] Wow, dude.

[1:01:04] No, actual literal dogs.

[1:01:06] Oh, okay.

[1:01:06] And Audrey was visibly more interested in the dogs than anything else was going on.

[1:01:12] And John invited her to go to the back room where the dogs were hanging out.

[1:01:15] Wow.

[1:01:16] Anyway, so continue with the letter.

[1:01:20] This was a bizarre experience.

[1:01:21] I wanted to yell out, but I didn't.

[1:01:23] I think I was a little afraid of being berated by John Hodgman for yelling during his show.

[1:01:27] It wasn't really during his show.

[1:01:29] But anyway, it's been bothering me all week,

[1:01:31] so I wanted to write in to tell you I love your show,

[1:01:33] and you deserve a better welcome.

[1:01:35] Raw, raw.

[1:01:36] My question, is there anything significant that you remember from one of your own live shows

[1:01:41] that either didn't make it into the official recording,

[1:01:44] or that just doesn't translate to the podcast medium?

[1:01:48] Brendan, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:51] Yeah, I mean, mine was super recent when I managed to bring Dan to tears with my PowerPoint presentation.

[1:02:00] That was a really special moment because Dan couldn't really start the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:04] Stuart did a new presentation in Boston that was maybe the most I've ever laughed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:11] It was very magical.

[1:02:13] That was, yeah.

[1:02:14] I kind of wish we had stopped the show right there and just told the audience to leave

[1:02:17] because that was the highlight.

[1:02:19] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:20] I mean, I was running around ripping people's eyes out of their heads

[1:02:23] because I didn't want them to have to look at anything else afterwards,

[1:02:26] but the cops got mad at me.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:29] There's nothing that's coming.

[1:02:30] I know that there's good stuff that happens beforehand that people don't get to hear.

[1:02:35] The only thing that's coming to mind is visual stuff.

[1:02:38] Like, often when Elliot is singing his songs,

[1:02:40] that is the cue for Stuart or I or both of us to leave the stage and go get beers.

[1:02:46] Or I've seen you lie down on the stage as if I've murdered you with my music.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:51] Dan climbed under the table once.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:55] Yeah.

[1:02:56] A lot of visual humor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:57] Yeah.

[1:02:58] But it's not like an Iron Maiden concert where we're coming out in different costumes

[1:03:02] or there's like a big Eddie that comes out and we have to fight him off.

[1:03:05] Why don't we do that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:05] There was that one time where the stage had a giant Eddie hand

[1:03:09] and I climbed up and the hand lifted me up into the sky

[1:03:12] and people were losing their minds.

[1:03:13] I mean, speaking of...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] When we were performing in Rio before 200,000 people.

[1:03:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:19] Speaking of costumes, I mean, not to suggest that Stuart's clothes are a costume,

[1:03:23] but people are missing the amazing shirts and cardigans that Stuart often wears.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] Yeah.

[1:03:28] I mean, I have to...

[1:03:30] Dan and Elliot dress so nice, I have to bring my own flavor, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:34] Yeah, sure.

[1:03:35] So I guess, I mean, the thing that mostly people miss is they don't get to see our presentations,

[1:03:41] but, you know, they should just start coming to shows, you know, and capture the magic.

[1:03:46] Should we do more that's special for the shows?

[1:03:48] Perhaps even have an animal on stage with us?

[1:03:51] Hmm.

[1:03:52] Perhaps some kind of, dare I say, house alligator?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:58] Hmm.

[1:03:59] A new character.

[1:04:00] I think we could do it.

[1:04:01] We shouldn't bring a cat due to allergies.

[1:04:04] Yeah.

[1:04:05] And the fact that I think a cat would not like it.

[1:04:07] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] There'd be pee.

[1:04:09] Even Archie, perhaps the most laid-back cat I've ever encountered,

[1:04:12] would probably panic in an audience full of people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:16] Yeah.

[1:04:16] Dan, that sounds like a Disney movie from the 60s, Archie the laid-back cat.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:20] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:21] I, you know, I would love it.

[1:04:22] Let's make it.

[1:04:23] Let's go back in time.

[1:04:24] Let's make it.

[1:04:26] This next letter is from Rusty Lasting Withheld.

[1:04:30] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:30] Not my best friend from growing up.

[1:04:33] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:34] Rusty Shackelford, the pseudonym from King of the Hill.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:37] Okay.

[1:04:39] Rusty writes, Flophouse Crew,

[1:04:42] I relatively recently found your podcast back in July

[1:04:45] and have been voraciously consuming your content.

[1:04:49] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:49] And I just wanted you guys to know,

[1:04:51] I regard each of you as avatars of my own psyche in a way.

[1:04:56] Oh, interesting.

[1:04:57] Elliot is the superego with his hyper-cerebral

[1:04:59] and historical film appreciation.

[1:05:02] Stuart is the id,

[1:05:04] as he shares my love of Brian Yuzna

[1:05:06] and other goopy, gory, and insane horror cinema.

[1:05:10] And Dan, the superego,

[1:05:11] who acts as a middle ground,

[1:05:13] being both a huge pervert

[1:05:15] and an intellectual in his own right,

[1:05:17] who maintains order in the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:20] I don't mean to split too many hairs,

[1:05:21] but that's two superegos.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:23] Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

[1:05:25] One of us has to be the ego

[1:05:26] and the other one the superego.

[1:05:28] You know what, Dan?

[1:05:30] I'll take ego.

[1:05:31] That's fine.

[1:05:31] I'll be a living planet

[1:05:32] with a beard made out of moss.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:34] Oh, man.

[1:05:35] Okay.

[1:05:36] Yeah, I don't know which one.

[1:05:38] I'm reading it here.

[1:05:39] I don't know which one he meant for which person.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:43] Maybe one of them he meant is like a really good ego.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:46] Yeah.

[1:05:48] Now the sweet, sweet question.

[1:05:50] What Dungeons and Dragons class and alignment

[1:05:52] do you feel best represent you?

[1:05:54] I would postulate Dan is the pensive half-elf ranger

[1:05:58] who wears the scars of his past proudly

[1:06:00] and has a badass cat companion.

[1:06:04] Stuart is the hale and hearty dwarven cleric

[1:06:07] worshiping some kind of dwarven party god.

[1:06:10] Sure, yeah.

[1:06:10] I know there's one.

[1:06:11] It's in the 3.5 edition book Races of Stone.

[1:06:15] But I got rid of that book because I thought

[1:06:16] it was mostly useless to me.

[1:06:18] That's a side piece of info.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:19] I mean, I feel like most books are basically useless.

[1:06:22] What?

[1:06:24] Elliot, of course.

[1:06:25] Now there's movies and books on tape.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:27] Okay.

[1:06:28] Elliot, of course, is a halfling bard

[1:06:31] because he is small, cunning,

[1:06:32] and I picture halflings as eating tons of chicken.

[1:06:36] You've got to believe it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:37] I think you can base that on the scene

[1:06:39] in Masters of the Universe, the movie,

[1:06:41] where he has that dwarf companion, He-Man does,

[1:06:45] and that guy loves the chicken that they find.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:47] Yeah.

[1:06:47] I'm a bit fuzzy on alignments

[1:06:49] or I'm too lazy to superimpose my ideas.

[1:06:52] Pick one.

[1:06:53] I don't care.

[1:06:54] Keep on shining, you crazy diamonds.

[1:06:57] Rusty, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:00] Oh, yeah.

[1:07:01] Obviously, I'm lawful good.

[1:07:03] You know, I love playing by the rules.

[1:07:06] Just like being cool and nice,

[1:07:09] but within the rules.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:14] Dan's neutral evil.

[1:07:16] Okay, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:17] Yeah, I think.

[1:07:18] And I'm probably a neutral milk hotel.

[1:07:20] Oh, wow.

[1:07:20] Because like, I'm not necessarily good or evil.

[1:07:23] I'm just a normal person,

[1:07:24] but also I've got a lot of calcium and protein,

[1:07:27] and also, you know,

[1:07:28] I let people stay at my house sometimes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:30] Yeah, and you have the prestige class

[1:07:32] king of carrot flowers.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:34] Yeah, exactly.

[1:07:35] It's weird that the neutral milk hotels

[1:07:37] get all the attention.

[1:07:38] Like, what about the good milk hotels out there?

[1:07:41] Like, if you're looking at Yelp,

[1:07:42] you want a good milk hotel.

[1:07:44] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:44] Just like Tommy and the movie Zarkor, you know?

[1:07:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] The best milk hotel doesn't get a lot of press,

[1:07:49] but the best exotic marigold hotel

[1:07:50] apparently gets the most press

[1:07:52] of all the exotic marigold hotels.

[1:07:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:55] Well, that's letters, guys.

[1:07:57] That's the letters.

[1:07:59] I suddenly got really worn out,

[1:08:00] but we got one more segment.

[1:08:03] Wait, hold on.

[1:08:04] Do you hear that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:05] Why, it sounds like Dan's got a problem with energy.

[1:08:10] Time for a song, a surprise song

[1:08:12] to get him all lifted up.

[1:08:14] Let's lift Dan's spirits with a surprise song

[1:08:16] because nothing makes energy

[1:08:18] like the magic of music.

[1:08:20] Hey, everybody, all across the world,

[1:08:23] let's dance in our seats and dance on our feet

[1:08:25] because we got to show Dan there's a reason to live.

[1:08:29] Dan, put down all those things

[1:08:31] that make you sad

[1:08:32] because it's time to be happy with music.

[1:08:36] Dan's favorite music is Talking Heads,

[1:08:38] which sounds just like this.

[1:08:41] This is what an average talking head sounds like.

[1:08:43] Okay, come on.

[1:08:44] Hey, it's me, David Byrne,

[1:08:46] and I'm talking to Dan through the power of music.

[1:08:50] Dan, Dan, Dan.

[1:08:52] Are you feeling the power?

[1:08:54] Are you feeling the magic?

[1:08:55] Are you feeling the notes and feeling the lyrics?

[1:08:58] Do you have the energy of the old spirits in your body right now?

[1:09:04] That's me, David Byrne, saying,

[1:09:06] Well, Dan, do you?

[1:09:07] Do you?

[1:09:08] Yes or no?

[1:09:11] Can you sleep on it?

[1:09:12] Baby, baby, can you sleep on it?

[1:09:14] Oh, wow.

[1:09:15] That's right.

[1:09:15] It's me, Meatloaf, another guy who is singing to Dan.

[1:09:18] I'm also a popular foodstuff,

[1:09:21] but don't eat me,

[1:09:22] because that would be the end of my time

[1:09:25] as a music superstar.

[1:09:27] Hey, David Byrne,

[1:09:28] does it ever feel good

[1:09:29] to not be named after a food?

[1:09:32] No Meatloaf.

[1:09:33] This is me, David Byrne,

[1:09:34] saying I've always envied

[1:09:37] that you are also a food.

[1:09:40] So, Dan, I think it's clear

[1:09:42] that it's time for us to continue

[1:09:45] newly revitalized,

[1:09:46] newly re-energized,

[1:09:48] newly reaching up to the skies

[1:09:50] for the last segment of the Flophouse

[1:09:52] with Dan and Stuart and Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:55] All right.

[1:09:56] David Byrne may not be a foodstuff,

[1:09:58] but he is something that can happen to foodstuffs.

[1:10:01] Yeah, that's true.

[1:10:02] That's very true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:04] Get it?

[1:10:05] Yeah, I do.

[1:10:06] Stuart, this is David Byrne again,

[1:10:09] and you've given me a new lease on life.

[1:10:12] I finally know what it's like to be happy.

[1:10:15] Dan, take that as an inspiration.

[1:10:19] Let's go into this recommendation

[1:10:21] with maximum energy.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:25] Okay, so I'll go first.

[1:10:28] I'm going to recommend two movies at once

[1:10:31] because I feel like they are pretty linked,

[1:10:34] actually, in style.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:37] They're Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:39] No, they're not actually related

[1:10:41] in any other way than I saw them

[1:10:44] very close to one another,

[1:10:45] but they reminded me of one another.

[1:10:47] I watched a movie called VHS,

[1:10:50] and I watched Greener Grass,

[1:10:52] and both of them are kind of,

[1:10:55] they're movies that have a narrative,

[1:10:57] but also feel very much like sketch comedy movies.

[1:11:03] VHS is a movie that is kind of found footage-y.

[1:11:09] It's about a kid who gets a camcorder,

[1:11:11] and he records snippets of his own life.

[1:11:14] While you see in the background,

[1:11:16] his parents' marriage is dissolving,

[1:11:18] but also then he uses the camcorder

[1:11:20] to record a bunch of snippets of late-night TV,

[1:11:24] and this all occurs,

[1:11:26] it's a period piece,

[1:11:28] it occurs in the 80s,

[1:11:29] and I found it very,

[1:11:32] it spoke to me because I was that kid.

[1:11:35] I saved up a bunch of money from a paper route,

[1:11:37] and I bought a camcorder

[1:11:38] and filmed a bunch of stuff,

[1:11:40] and I also, of course,

[1:11:42] snuck out and stayed up late

[1:11:44] and watched late-night television,

[1:11:47] and there's a lot of stuff in the movie.

[1:11:49] I get it, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:49] You're a bad boy.

[1:11:51] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:53] The late-night TV stuff's all very funny.

[1:11:56] It's got people like Tom Lennon in it,

[1:12:00] Tim Robbins shows up.

[1:12:03] It's funny stuff,

[1:12:03] but there's actually kind of moving stuff

[1:12:06] in the framing stuff,

[1:12:11] and I won't kind of get into that further,

[1:12:13] but also Greener Grass I would describe as

[1:12:16] kind of if Wet Hot American Summer

[1:12:19] was also Blue Velvet.

[1:12:22] It's a lot of very,

[1:12:26] the comedy of absurdity,

[1:12:27] the comedy of people acting very awkward

[1:12:30] and strange with a lot of commitment.

[1:12:34] It is set in suburbia,

[1:12:36] but it's not kind of the tired,

[1:12:38] dark side of suburbia thing

[1:12:40] so much as it is about a woman

[1:12:42] whose life is deteriorating

[1:12:44] because she is so polite and passive

[1:12:47] and feels the need to be polite

[1:12:51] to the degree that it screws her over

[1:12:53] in a number of ways,

[1:12:54] and both of these movies,

[1:12:56] aside from being kind of strange,

[1:12:59] take an interesting sort of tonal turn

[1:13:01] that I won't get into,

[1:13:04] but I liked them both.

[1:13:07] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:08] It's funny that you should recommend Greener Grass

[1:13:10] because I'm going to recommend a movie

[1:13:12] that also has a color in the title.

[1:13:16] I'm going to recommend the movie

[1:13:18] Color Out of Space,

[1:13:20] starring Nicolas Cage,

[1:13:21] directed by Richard Stanley.

[1:13:24] It is a horror movie

[1:13:26] based on a short story by H.P.

[1:13:29] A Loved Craft,

[1:13:31] and it is, yeah,

[1:13:34] it's like silly and funny

[1:13:35] and it's filled with special effects

[1:13:40] and music and acting.

[1:13:43] Okay, so it's a movie.

[1:13:44] So it's established the minimum

[1:13:45] that it takes to be a movie.

[1:13:47] And Nicolas Cage gives this performance

[1:13:49] that's like almost so crazy.

[1:13:52] Like it's crazy enough that it,

[1:13:54] because everything else around him

[1:13:56] is so normal

[1:13:57] that it's kind of like

[1:13:59] Al Pacino in The Irishman,

[1:14:01] where it takes me out of the movie

[1:14:04] and at no point am I not thinking,

[1:14:06] oh yeah, that's Nicolas Cage

[1:14:08] or that's Al Pacino.

[1:14:09] But at the same time,

[1:14:11] there's something so like charming

[1:14:13] about how over the top

[1:14:15] and silly the performance is

[1:14:16] that I don't think I'd,

[1:14:18] I don't think I'd change it

[1:14:19] for anything in the world.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:20] Yeah, let's be clear though, Stuart.

[1:14:22] When you say everything else is normal,

[1:14:24] you mean that everyone else in the movie

[1:14:25] is acting in a naturalistic style

[1:14:27] unlike Nicolas Cage.

[1:14:28] The movie is bonkers crazy.

[1:14:30] Yeah.

[1:14:30] It's bonkers crazy,

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:32] but it's also like,

[1:14:32] I don't know,

[1:14:33] I feel like it's,

[1:14:34] I feel like it's pretty straightforward.

[1:14:36] It all makes a lot of sense.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:38] Yeah.

[1:14:38] I saw it at the same time as Stuart

[1:14:40] and I would have recommended it

[1:14:42] if I hadn't been pretty sure

[1:14:44] that Stuart was going to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:44] Yeah, it's,

[1:14:45] because it's,

[1:14:46] I don't know,

[1:14:46] it's like,

[1:14:47] it's so silly and weird

[1:14:48] and it still manages to be pretty scary

[1:14:51] and it does some stuff

[1:14:52] that I don't feel like

[1:14:54] I've really seen before

[1:14:55] and it plays with like the,

[1:14:58] I don't know,

[1:14:58] it does stuff that I wish I saw more

[1:15:01] in Lovecraft interpretations.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:04] Yeah, I think it finds interesting ways

[1:15:06] to take the cosmic horror,

[1:15:07] like unexplainable,

[1:15:08] undescribable stuff

[1:15:09] and show it as best you can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:14] Yeah.

[1:15:14] And then we got to watch a Q&A,

[1:15:16] a filmed Q&A afterwards

[1:15:17] where Nicolas Cage

[1:15:19] was dressed like a crazy biker man

[1:15:21] and Richard Stanley

[1:15:22] just mumbled through

[1:15:23] every single question.

[1:15:24] It's so great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:25] Was Richard Stanley

[1:15:27] wearing his like wizard's hat

[1:15:29] or like warlock's hat

[1:15:30] that he seems to wear?

[1:15:31] He didn't have the hat on.

[1:15:32] He had his hair

Dan McCoy

[1:15:33] that makes it look like

[1:15:34] he's wearing a wig

[1:15:35] that no one would ever choose

[1:15:36] as a wig.

[1:15:38] No one would ever choose

[1:15:39] it as a wig.

[1:15:40] Yeah, he's so funny, man.

[1:15:41] Nicolas Cage's jacket though,

[1:15:43] I described it as

[1:15:44] he looked like a wrestler

[1:15:46] who's also a rockabilly guitarist.

[1:15:49] Yeah.

[1:15:50] It was pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:53] Okay, well I'm also recommending

[1:15:55] a movie in theaters in 1952.

[1:15:58] It's called Sudden Fear

[1:15:59] and it stars Joan Crawford

[1:16:01] and Jack Palance.

[1:16:02] Joan Crawford is a successful,

[1:16:04] wealthy Broadway playwright

[1:16:06] who gets into a romance

[1:16:08] with a young actor

[1:16:08] played by Jack Palance

[1:16:10] and spoiler,

[1:16:12] he's,

[1:16:13] there's something sinister going on

[1:16:14] because it's Jack Palance.

[1:16:15] You can tell almost

[1:16:16] from the minute

[1:16:16] he walks on screen.

[1:16:18] Gloria Graham is in it too

[1:16:19] playing the kind of character

[1:16:20] Gloria Graham plays

[1:16:21] a kind of like

[1:16:22] sneaky conniving lady

[1:16:24] and it is this kind of

[1:16:26] interesting combination

[1:16:28] of a film noir

[1:16:30] and a woman's melodrama.

[1:16:32] There's a lot of like

[1:16:33] Joan Crawford

[1:16:34] being in the throes of love

[1:16:37] and then falling from those heights

[1:16:39] into kind of passionate

[1:16:40] sadness and tears

[1:16:42] but there are also

[1:16:42] some genuinely like

[1:16:43] very tense

[1:16:44] and very creepy

[1:16:45] noir-ish scenes

[1:16:46] and there's a moment

[1:16:49] involving a wind-up metal dog

[1:16:51] that I didn't expect

[1:16:52] to see on screen

[1:16:53] but I found very,

[1:16:55] very eerie and strange.

[1:16:56] But anyway,

[1:16:57] it's called Sudden Fear

[1:16:58] and it's from 1952

[1:17:00] and it's available

[1:17:01] on the Canopy app

[1:17:03] if you can get that

[1:17:04] through your local library

[1:17:05] and I thought it was,

[1:17:06] it was one of these movies

[1:17:07] where I was like,

[1:17:08] how have I never heard of

[1:17:09] or seen anything

[1:17:10] about this movie before

[1:17:11] because I found it

[1:17:11] super entertaining

[1:17:12] and really well made

[1:17:14] and everyone in it was great.

[1:17:16] So that's Sudden Fear

[1:17:17] starring Joan Crawford.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:18] Excellent, guys.

[1:17:19] Excellent.

[1:17:20] Did a great job.

[1:17:21] Stuart, you did a great job.

[1:17:22] I want to know more

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:23] about this wind-up metal dog,

[1:17:25] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:25] I mean,

[1:17:26] I don't want to build it up too much

[1:17:28] but I did think

[1:17:28] that might pique your interest, Stuart,

[1:17:31] that there's,

[1:17:31] for some reason,

[1:17:32] there's a scene

[1:17:32] where two characters decide

[1:17:33] to start playing

[1:17:34] with this wind-up metal dog

[1:17:35] and I'm like,

[1:17:36] why is this the moment

[1:17:37] they started to do this?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:38] When you just said peak like that,

[1:17:40] you held up a VHS copy

[1:17:41] of Dante's Peak.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:45] I'm really into puns these days.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:49] Inexplicable baffling ones.

[1:17:50] Elliot, I wanted to say,

[1:17:51] also, you did a great job.

[1:17:53] I told Stuart

[1:17:54] and then Stuart

[1:17:55] sort of cut me off

[1:17:57] in the middle

[1:17:57] with his dog talk.

[1:17:59] I just didn't want you

[1:18:00] to feel left out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:02] Okay, thanks.

[1:18:03] I appreciate it.

[1:18:04] Oh, wow.

[1:18:05] Elliot's still not very good

Dan McCoy

[1:18:06] at taking a compliment.

[1:18:08] No, no.

[1:18:08] He's still got his armor up, huh?

[1:18:10] I just didn't want you

[1:18:11] to feel left out.

[1:18:12] That's all.

[1:18:13] Hey, power those shields down there,

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:15] Vice Admiral Thrawn

[1:18:16] or whatever.

[1:18:17] I know he's a grand admiral.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:21] I'm glad you corrected yourself, Stuart,

[1:18:23] because the listeners were pissed.

[1:18:24] I could feel it.

[1:18:25] It was like a great disturbance

[1:18:26] in the force

[1:18:27] as if one of us

Dan McCoy

[1:18:27] had said something slightly wrong.

[1:18:30] Elliot, you talk quickly.

[1:18:31] Do you want to give

[1:18:32] the usual spiel

[1:18:32] about MaxFun and all that?

[1:18:34] And I'm also Jewish,

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:35] so it's okay for me

[1:18:36] to give a spiel,

[1:18:37] whereas if one of you guys did it,

[1:18:38] it might be a little,

[1:18:39] I don't know,

[1:18:40] kind of like appropriating

[1:18:41] another culture.

[1:18:42] Hey, everybody.

[1:18:43] We're a member

[1:18:43] of the MaxFun,

[1:18:45] Maximum Fun Podcast Network,

[1:18:46] and there's a lot of great shows

[1:18:47] in the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:18:48] I would recommend

[1:18:49] you don't just stop with us.

[1:18:50] You go on and listen

[1:18:51] to one of the other ones.

[1:18:52] There's a lot of great ones

[1:18:52] about movies.

[1:18:53] There's a lot of great

[1:18:54] interview podcasts.

[1:18:55] There's a lot of great ones

[1:18:55] about TV.

[1:18:56] There's one about work processes.

[1:18:58] Come on.

[1:18:58] Just try some other

[1:18:59] Maximum Fun Podcast.

[1:19:01] There's advice shows.

[1:19:02] There's all sorts of stuff.

[1:19:03] There's great podcasts on there.

[1:19:04] Go to MaximumFun.org

[1:19:06] to look at them.

[1:19:07] Also, if you like this podcast,

[1:19:09] hey, why not say something

[1:19:10] nice about us on iTunes?

[1:19:12] Review us there.

[1:19:13] Review us anywhere

[1:19:14] you see podcast reviews.

[1:19:15] Tell people about us.

[1:19:16] Tweet about us.

[1:19:17] Instagram about us.

[1:19:18] Send letters to your grandma

[1:19:19] about us.

[1:19:19] Write a postcard

[1:19:20] so the mailman can see it

[1:19:21] because you know

[1:19:22] they read those postcards.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:22] Hey, if you're in the media,

[1:19:23] say something about us

[1:19:25] on a bigger platform.

[1:19:27] We've been around

[1:19:27] for 12 years now,

[1:19:29] so it's hard to get

[1:19:30] people excited

[1:19:31] about publicity.

[1:19:32] Yeah, you heard all those

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:34] fucking great drops

[1:19:35] Dan was doing.

[1:19:36] Yeah.

[1:19:37] Don't wait to talk about us

[1:19:38] when one of us dies

[1:19:39] or all of us

[1:19:40] in some kind of freak accident.

[1:19:41] Talk about us now

[1:19:42] while we're still alive,

[1:19:43] you know?

[1:19:43] I mean, it's at least

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:44] going to look like an accident.

[1:19:46] And also,

[1:19:47] you mentioned the network

[1:19:49] and we also mentioned

[1:19:50] that the episode today,

[1:19:52] the movie was chosen

[1:19:53] by a contest winner

[1:19:54] who designed merch

[1:19:55] and that merch

[1:19:56] is available for purchase

[1:19:58] at MaximumFun.org, right?

[1:20:00] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:01] And unless something

[1:20:03] drastic happens

[1:20:03] that forces us

[1:20:04] to change our plans,

[1:20:05] we'll be doing

[1:20:06] the next contest winner

[1:20:08] next episode.

[1:20:10] So look forward to that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:11] And then after that,

[1:20:12] we'll go back

[1:20:12] to the big budget

[1:20:13] Hollywood spectaculars

[1:20:15] that you're used to.

[1:20:15] But hey,

[1:20:16] it's fun to do

[1:20:16] these lesser known movies too.

[1:20:18] So that's the Flophouse

[1:20:19] on Maximum Fun.

[1:20:20] Our editor is Jordan Cowling

[1:20:21] and for the Flophouse,

[1:20:23] you are,

[1:20:24] what was your name again?

[1:20:24] Dan McCoy.

[1:20:25] And the other guy,

[1:20:26] what, wait,

[1:20:27] who are you?

[1:20:27] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:29] And who am I?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:30] You're Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:31] Oh, that's right.

[1:20:32] Good night, everybody.

[1:20:34] Good night.

[1:20:41] Okay, let's do this thing.

[1:20:44] Okay.

[1:20:44] And Jordan,

[1:20:45] I know that was not as funny

[1:20:46] a usual pre-start

[1:20:47] as we usually have.

[1:20:49] I apologize.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:50] Maybe she could,

[1:20:51] I don't know,

[1:20:52] like add some sound effects

[1:20:54] under it or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:54] Yeah, some

[1:20:55] or yeah.

[1:20:57] Don't, don't, don't,

[1:20:58] don't, don't, don't,

[1:20:59] don't, don't, don't,

[1:21:00] don't, don't, don't, don't,

[1:21:00] don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

[1:21:00] Yeah.

[1:21:03] MaximumFun.org

S4

[1:21:04] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:06] Artist owned.

[1:21:07] Audience supported.

Ep. #304 - Zarkorr! The Invader

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