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FH Mini 8 - Missed That Movie - Zombies Anonymous

mini May 30, 2020 00:39:08
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Transcript

[0:00] Okay, so welcome back.
[0:06] This is the Flop House Podcast.
[0:07] I'm Stuart Wellington.
[0:08] Oh, I'm Dan McCoy.
[0:09] TV's perky big, everybody.
[0:10] Right there.
[0:11] And I'm Elliot Kalin, saying my name as if I've heard it before and said it before.
[0:21] So thrown off by the fact that I am not the first person to announce my name that I thought
[0:28] about it for a second.
[0:30] Yeah.
[0:31] There's a moment when your glasses flipped off your face and you had to like fumble with
[0:35] them in your hand.
[0:36] Whoa.
[0:37] Whoa.
[0:38] Whoa.
[0:39] Yeah.
[0:40] Uh, so, uh, this is another mini episode.
[0:42] This is an off week mini episode of the Flop House, uh, brought to you by minis the bar.
[0:47] Yeah.
[0:48] Brought to you, brought to you by minis bar, a bar that I am a partial owner of.
[0:52] Um, now normally we watch a bad movie and talk about it, but what we're going to do
[0:56] tonight is we're going to have to do another, uh, installment of missed that movie.
[1:01] That's right.
[1:02] The popular reoccurring, uh, episode style where one of us has watched a movie and then
[1:08] we explain it to the others.
[1:10] The other two have to decide whether they are glad they missed it, sad they missed it
[1:16] or had to not miss it.
[1:18] And they're going to run over to their DVD player and start watching immediately.
[1:21] Well, I'll have to wait to acquire the DVD, but I'm relying on the player.
[1:29] In a, in a, uh, in a David Blaine style piece of street magic, go check your DVD player.
[1:35] It's already in there.
[1:36] I know what the movie is and it's Jordan edited in the name of movie later.
[1:40] You're still going to have to say it, Dan, at some point for her to put it in there.
[1:46] Sure.
[1:47] Zombies Anonymous.
[1:48] That joke is funnier if you can see Dan open his mouth as if the words are going to be
[1:58] dubbed in and then close his mouth.
[2:01] Yeah.
[2:02] Yeah.
[2:03] Uh, and he timed it perfectly.
[2:04] Um, so for this one I did something a little bit special guys.
[2:08] I had to reach into the M and M and M and M store.
[2:14] That's right.
[2:15] The miss that movie, movie mausoleum store.
[2:19] Well, I store, I store movies in there.
[2:22] Fair point.
[2:23] Fair point.
[2:24] Uh, so I selected a movie that was donated by listener Ryan Alexander.
[2:30] Uh, I think he donated it to me at the bar one night and he's like, you gotta watch this.
[2:34] It's uh, my favorite movie ever.
[2:36] I might be getting his quote wrong.
[2:38] Um, it's a movie titled Z a zombies anonymous, a very low budget horror movie from 2006 shot
[2:48] almost entirely in New York, uh, on video with basically no music except for a few touches
[2:53] of classical music to really sell some of the very emotional moments.
[2:57] So you're probably already very excited.
[3:00] You know what guys, you'll be even more excited when I tell you that the special effects team,
[3:04] that's right, it's demonic pumpkins.
[3:07] You know, so right off the bat, I'm going to tell you why Stuart is so much better at
[3:13] miss that movie than I am.
[3:15] It's because we know, we know, we've been listening.
[3:18] We know why is that joy of a, of a little boy who's finally been allowed to do a book
[3:25] report on the thing he really wants to do, which is some dumb movie instead of a story.
[3:31] There's a story.
[3:32] I remember you telling Stuart about doing a report on the rhyme of the ancient Mariner
[3:35] where you played Iron Maidens, rhyme of the ancient Mariner class.
[3:39] Yeah.
[3:40] Yep.
[3:41] The best part about this report, it was that it was an in undergraduate romanticism class
[3:48] and uh, it was about halfway through the guitar solo, uh, in a very long song where the professor's
[3:54] like, uh, we can just turn this off mistake.
[4:01] Now Stuart, what is demonic pumpkin?
[4:04] Demonic pumpkins is of course a special effects team I'm assuming based out of New York and
[4:08] boy do they put some work in.
[4:11] So the movie opens, who are the stars?
[4:13] Is there a name cast?
[4:15] No.
[4:16] Okay.
[4:17] Sorry.
[4:18] It's foolish question.
[4:20] Wise answer.
[4:21] I apologize.
[4:22] Oh, okay.
[4:23] So we're introduced to, uh, our heroes, Angela and Josh.
[4:27] They are a young couple and they're going through a breakup.
[4:30] Angela has barricaded herself in the bathroom while Josh rages outside the door before breaking
[4:36] down the door, saying a bunch of swear words and then shooting Angela in the head.
[4:40] Josh.
[4:41] So when you say a breakup, you're, you're underselling it.
[4:46] Yeah.
[4:47] It's, it's very unpleasant.
[4:48] Uh, so Josh is, uh, confronts the enormity of what he's done.
[4:52] You know, he looks at the gun, he looks at the dead, uh, girlfriend, et cetera, uh, and
[4:56] then he runs away.
[4:58] Of course, moments later, Angela crawls out of the tub into her living room and then two
[5:03] paramedics show up in her living room and kind of shrug their shoulders and then leave
[5:08] her seemingly dying on the floor.
[5:12] And then the credits start.
[5:14] Hell yeah.
[5:15] Um, during the credits, is that supposed to be a joke that the paramedics just give up
[5:20] or they, there is, I don't think there's any jokes in this movie.
[5:25] The movie called Zombies Anonymous, there's no jokes in it?
[5:27] Yeah.
[5:28] Almost none.
[5:29] From the way Stewart delivered all that information, I have a feeling it's going to be very, uh,
[5:35] like key to the, this world that's being built.
[5:37] Like there's going to be a, yeah, so the, the paramedics show up and just, I couldn't
[5:42] tell if they, uh, because like a lot of things, they don't explain it.
[5:46] I couldn't tell if the paramedics were like, Oh, she's dead.
[5:49] Okay.
[5:50] We're going to just peace out.
[5:51] Or if they're like, Oh, she's not dead.
[5:53] See you later.
[5:54] Like, so, uh, over the credits, uh, where once again, they mentioned demonic pumpkins,
[6:01] uh, bring that up again.
[6:02] Uh, we, we see a bunch of like clips from news stories.
[6:05] That's kind of, that's Stephen King's original version of needful things.
[6:10] The devil opened a store called demonic pumpkins and it was like, no one's coming in.
[6:14] Am I being too open about the purpose of this store?
[6:18] Yeah.
[6:19] Um, that's Stephen King's book, uh, starring popular SNL character, David S pumpkins.
[6:29] So yeah.
[6:30] Who opens the store?
[6:31] I mean, I feel like that's a crossover that's been waiting to happen.
[6:34] So, uh, during the credits, it makes way more sense than that Tommy knockers.
[6:38] It's Pat crossover that they did in the nineties.
[6:40] That was crazy.
[6:41] Yeah.
[6:42] And they, uh, for some reason, the, uh, intro music, they use the song Tommy knockers by
[6:47] blind guardian.
[6:48] Very strange choice.
[6:49] Um, so during the credits, we see a bunch of news stories about how the United States
[6:53] is coping with a zombie epidemic and, uh, and how the world is trying to move on somehow
[6:59] by incorporating zombies into the existing rubric of society.
[7:04] But it's clearly a divisive issue.
[7:06] There's even a clip where a TV preacher suggests a final solution for these zombies.
[7:12] So it's, uh, yeah.
[7:15] It seems, uh, like an ill thought out parallel.
[7:18] Yeah.
[7:19] I mean, considering, so I don't know yet if the zombies in this movie eat brains or anything,
[7:24] but like the Jews don't eat brains, like, like zombies are legit monsters.
[7:31] Jews are not monsters.
[7:32] I think that's where the same way that the X-Men as a, as an oppressed minority parallel
[7:37] breaks down when you consider that the X-Men have superpowers.
[7:40] Now you have alienated all cultures that do eat brains by not specifying that of course
[7:45] you're against live brain eating in particular.
[7:49] Any human brain eating, Dan, I don't even, if you, if you just stumble on a corpse on
[7:53] the street, don't crack that skull open and dig the brains out.
[7:56] I'm just saying it seemed not specific.
[7:58] I just, uh, certainly I am more aghast at the eating of live human brains unless, unless
[8:06] it's like that scene in Hannibal with Ray Liotta and then the brain guy gets a taste.
[8:10] It's hilarious.
[8:11] Yep.
[8:12] That's best scene in the movie.
[8:13] So, uh, we then get a title card five months later, uh, Josh, the violent boyfriend is
[8:21] riding around with his two childhood friends, Ricky and Malcolm.
[8:24] They're wannabe zombie hunters, uh, and they find a lone zombie and attack him.
[8:30] Now, these zombies look a little bit different than the ones you're used to.
[8:35] This guy's kind of all by himself.
[8:36] He's got like a burned up face, but he's wearing a pristine sweatshirt and jeans and
[8:41] he seems to be completely in control of his faculties.
[8:44] He's just like a rotting corpse man in a, in like a, like a Princeton sweatshirt.
[8:49] So even after death, they just can't stop bragging about going to Princeton.
[8:54] Exactly.
[8:55] Uh, meanwhile, Angela is attending a support group of other mortally challenged individuals.
[9:01] Okay.
[9:02] I guess, I guess that's a joke.
[9:04] I was just about to say there's no jokes in the movie.
[9:07] I would like to say there's still no jokes in the movie.
[9:11] So they like these, uh, these zombies, which they prefer not to be called zombies, uh,
[9:15] share their sob stories about how they, you know, all the things that they've lost in
[9:20] becoming undead.
[9:21] Uh, and then they, uh, then they have a donut break and then they vomit into individually
[9:27] marked, uh, vomit buckets because I guess they can't eat donuts, uh, because they're
[9:32] zombies.
[9:33] She tries to go back to work, but she's harassed by her coworker who just like stares at her
[9:37] a lot.
[9:38] Uh, so she has trouble adapting to life.
[9:40] At one point she catches a rat in her, uh, kitchen and eats it and then is upset about
[9:46] it.
[9:47] Just to be fair, you don't have to be a zombie to do that.
[9:48] No.
[9:49] As much as I am against just cracking people's skulls open and digging their brains out.
[9:54] If you find a rat in your house, go ahead.
[9:57] Don't let those nutrients go to waste.
[9:58] Mm.
[9:59] Mm.
[10:00] Especially if you happen to be a cat listening.
[10:04] Yeah, if you're a cat, the more do so.
[10:07] Yeah, go ahead.
[10:08] And in fact, if you're a cat, I don't know, do whatever you want.
[10:11] Human laws can't touch you.
[10:12] Just look at McAvity.
[10:14] He's broken all of them.
[10:17] So her murderous ex-boyfriend, Josh, and his buddies are trying to join
[10:21] a zombie hunting militia run by a large Italian fellow named The Gooch
[10:25] and a kind of abrasive, aggressive woman named The Commandant.
[10:32] They meet at a diner where The Commandant has a meltdown when she's
[10:36] approached by a zombie waiter.
[10:38] That sounds like a 70s sitcom, Commandant and The Gooch.
[10:43] And like he's an escaped Nazi war criminal and she's just like, she's
[10:47] like an Italian girl from, I don't know, Bay Ridge or something like
[10:50] that and they're roommates now.
[10:53] Commandant and The Gooch, it's a Gary Marshall show.
[10:55] Yeah, in this case, hunting zombies.
[10:58] So they later kidnap that waiter zombie and execute him in like an
[11:02] initiation ritual.
[11:04] Okay, so back to Angela.
[11:07] You know, she's bummed out that she's a zombie.
[11:10] She looks kind of gross, but not that bad.
[11:13] I mean, she got shot in the head, but like as long as she combs her
[11:17] hair right, you don't see anything.
[11:19] I mean, as long as you got your help.
[11:20] You don't get to see the handiwork.
[11:21] Yeah, and I mean, well, she doesn't, but if she combs her hair right,
[11:26] you don't get to see the handiwork of demonic pumpkins.
[11:29] So she considers going to a termination center that another one of
[11:33] the support group zombies describes as this like, kind of like a
[11:37] disorganized slaughterhouse where the undead are finished off by
[11:42] like, basically, you know, like gruff blue collar guys who are goofing
[11:48] around while they're blowing zombies heads off.
[11:51] Um, she's also attacked by a guy while she's waiting for the bus all
[11:56] because she's a zombie and she's also being stalked by her ex-boyfriend
[12:00] who I guess knows that she's alive or not alive.
[12:05] She takes, she ends up getting, getting in a car with some freewheeling
[12:08] like unlife-loving zombies that trick her into eating human meat and
[12:12] she like, totally gets high and trips out on it.
[12:16] Uh, and then they, so this world, I, I, I'm, I likely missed something,
[12:22] uh, due to, uh, one being me also allergy medicine, but is, is this
[12:28] positing a world where human flesh is like drug addiction to zombies then?
[12:34] I believe so.
[12:35] This is the first time they introduced just the idea that a zombie could
[12:39] eat a human, so it makes it even stranger that the humans are going
[12:42] to such lengths to kill the zombies.
[12:45] I'm very confused about the, about the purpose of the film.
[12:49] Oh, well, uh, that's not going to be cleared up as I described the rest of it.
[12:54] So they, uh, they take the, the like cool zombies that she's hanging out
[12:59] with, take her to a zombie cult headquarters, which is in like, like a
[13:04] house that's kind of unfinished.
[13:06] Uh, and they, you know, they kind of are trying to convince her to meet with
[13:11] their spiritual leader named Good Mother Solstice.
[13:15] And then they try and get her to participate in a feast on, uh, on like
[13:19] an unwilling human woman on a, on a victim.
[13:22] And she, uh, she refrains from doing that.
[13:24] She swoons and she passes out.
[13:27] Meanwhile, Josh has followed Angela to the cult house and the zombie hunters
[13:32] have attacked, uh, attacked the cult, killing all the zombies.
[13:36] Josh spares Angela this time.
[13:39] Uh, but his friend Richie gets mortally wounded in the fight and he turns
[13:42] into a zombie and the Comedon the Gooch execute him.
[13:45] So is Josh like, well, I killed you once.
[13:47] It would be, it would be churlish of me to kill you twice.
[13:50] Well, he's one of those characters.
[13:52] Who's like, a lot of his dialogue is yelled and his, like his two emotions
[13:57] are extreme anger at her.
[14:00] Or he's like, like stares at his fist, like Batman, like Superman sitting
[14:05] on a ledge in the rain, like wondering, you know, like wondering what to do
[14:09] with all his power.
[14:10] Superman's like those times when Superman's like, why don't I just
[14:12] become king of this world?
[14:14] What am I doing?
[14:15] Who could stop me?
[14:17] Uh, you know what?
[14:18] I'll just have a pint of ice cream.
[14:20] So Angela, Angela runs away from this house in this horrible, um, this, uh,
[14:26] you know, a house filled with dead zombies.
[14:27] She tries to go back to work, but she gets fired.
[14:30] Then she tries to get, uh, I think it's just cause she's a zombie.
[14:35] So it's just prejudice.
[14:35] Okay.
[14:36] Yeah.
[14:36] It's just prejudice.
[14:37] It wasn't.
[14:37] They were like, they were like, we could deal with you being with one of
[14:40] being one of the undead, but we know you've been stealing supplies.
[14:44] Yeah.
[14:45] Uh, so she, which would have been funny if she was like using like staples
[14:50] to like hold her body together.
[14:52] I guess that's me showing my, uh, my anti-zombie sentiments.
[14:56] Um, so she tries to find a new job.
[14:58] She even buys this makeup called look alive, which is supposed to make her
[15:03] skin look less, uh, you know, slightly waxy.
[15:07] Uh, it doesn't work.
[15:08] Obviously she can't get her job because the place that she tries to get a job
[15:11] at, uh, discriminate against zombies.
[15:14] Uh, she tries, tries to find some comfort with the zombie support group, but
[15:18] then the zombie hunters attack again, killing all the zombies and kidnapping
[15:22] her.
[15:23] Now this is a point where my favorite character, the Gooch getting blood all
[15:27] over himself, takes his shirt off and just like wipes it on himself and then
[15:31] leaves it in the street.
[15:32] And like a cul-de-sac classic.
[15:36] Yeah.
[15:37] This movie seems to, uh, I don't know if it does, but it, uh, in viewing, but
[15:42] it seems to be falling, uh, falling, uh, what's the word exactly?
[15:48] Precisely into place, like a well-oiled machine, uh, falling victim, like
[15:52] kind of a clockwork mechanism, like sneakers or, uh, you know, the Spanish
[15:58] falling victim to one of the classic blunders of this type of thing where
[16:05] they're making some sort of parallel, uh, with, uh, people being oppressed
[16:10] in some way.
[16:11] And yet the parallel they're making implies that oppressed people are
[16:16] rotting corpses.
[16:17] Yeah.
[16:17] Our monsters.
[16:18] Yeah, sure.
[16:19] Yeah.
[16:20] Well, it's like, like, uh, how in bright it's ostensibly a movie about
[16:23] tolerance, but it's also a movie that tells you that every race has different
[16:27] superpowers and, uh, that they actually are very different genetically and
[16:34] spiritually and physically.
[16:35] So maybe they should be in different strata.
[16:37] Uh, cause they didn't think too hard about what they were doing, I guess.
[16:41] Yeah.
[16:41] Yeah.
[16:42] And I mean, in this movie, the, the only organization of zombies are basically
[16:47] like a hippie cult commune who get high off of eating humans.
[16:51] Um, so, uh, yep, the zombie hunters take, uh, take Angela and the other
[16:58] kidnapped zombies to a field where they're going to execute them.
[17:01] Uh, just at the last minute, they're rescued when the zombie cult attacks
[17:06] and kills the zombie hunters in a hail of bullets in a very exciting action
[17:11] sequence.
[17:13] Now what's your, what's the sarcasm percentage on what you just said?
[17:17] I would say like 75%.
[17:19] Pretty high.
[17:19] Okay.
[17:20] Pretty high.
[17:21] So it was still 25% thrilling.
[17:24] So yeah, thrilling sounds like the word that he wants to use.
[17:27] I mean, in this economy, you're not going to do better than that.
[17:33] I mean, it can't all be Hobbs and Shaw, you know?
[17:35] Yeah.
[17:36] So at this point, uh, Josh has been, uh, he has been shot, but he escapes.
[17:43] The Commandant also escapes.
[17:45] The Gooch, uh, not so well, he, uh, he gets overtaken by zombies and ripped
[17:50] to shreds.
[17:51] Uh, Angela is rescued by the cult.
[17:53] She wakes up and, uh, in yet another unfinished house, uh, Good Mother
[17:58] Solstice introduces herself and, uh, injects pureed human meat directly
[18:04] into Angela's brain.
[18:05] She gets super high.
[18:07] Now, is that how eating works?
[18:09] The, the, what you eat goes to your brain?
[18:11] You can inject the food right into your brain.
[18:13] Yeah.
[18:13] So if you ever, if you're dying and you don't have enough time to chew and
[18:17] digest the food, you just stick that hotdog in your ear.
[18:20] Yeah.
[18:21] I was actually, I was watching a, uh, I was watching a, uh, an interview
[18:26] with Commandant Anjiani about how he got so ripped.
[18:28] And he said, uh, he just bypassed the middleman and injected protein
[18:32] directly into his head.
[18:34] If I'm dying, if I'm dying and the cure would have been eating a hotdog, if
[18:41] that would have saved me from dying, uh, I will, yeah, from now on I'll
[18:47] save a few seconds by putting it in my ear.
[18:50] Yeah.
[18:50] Because the problem is you don't have time for it to get into your
[18:52] bloodstream.
[18:53] Yeah.
[18:54] Sometimes I'll skip the middleman and I'll just, sometimes I'll just
[18:57] shove a fish stick up my nose if I don't have time to sit down for a
[18:59] full meal.
[19:02] That's why you look so youthful.
[19:03] All right.
[19:06] It's also why Elliot's teeth are so pristine because he doesn't waste
[19:09] them on things like eating.
[19:10] Never use them.
[19:11] My nose is often clogged with breadcrumbs, uh, you know, fish flakes,
[19:16] but, uh, tartar sauce.
[19:18] Um, so, uh, but there's no tartar on your teeth because as we've addressed,
[19:23] you don't put food in them.
[19:24] Save it for my sauce.
[19:25] I tell my dentist, save it for my sauce.
[19:27] S-I-F-S.
[19:28] Any tartar on there?
[19:29] Just scrape it off.
[19:30] Give it to me.
[19:30] I'll take it home, sauce it up, put it on the fish sticks.
[19:34] So we also, uh, this is around the point when, uh, we, we realize, we
[19:38] find out that, uh, it's, it's dangerous to overdose on human meat for a
[19:44] zombie.
[19:44] I feel like that would work for, that would be the true for a human too.
[19:48] Yeah, that's, that is true.
[19:50] Uh, back at the zombie hunter hideout, Josh realizes that he not only has
[19:54] been shot, but now he has died and come back as a zombie.
[19:57] Uh, the commandant shows up with a new hair.
[20:00] which was very confusing for me for a while because I thought it was a completely new character.
[20:04] Now wait, does this mean if anyone who dies comes back as a zombie?
[20:08] Yeah.
[20:09] Okay, so you'd think that society would be more accepting of zombies than if everybody it was going to happen to.
[20:14] It's like, let's be like a world where kids are running around killing adults
[20:17] and the adults are like, I was a kid once too.
[20:20] And the kids are like, well, that'll never happen to me.
[20:21] I'm a Toys R Us kid.
[20:22] I don't want to grow up.
[20:23] But then they do.
[20:24] It's called Logan's Run.
[20:26] They worship Geoffrey the giraffe.
[20:29] What you're forgetting, Elliot, what you're forgetting is, yes,
[20:32] I assume that the humans are very excited to see their own loved ones back.
[20:38] But everyone else's loved ones, they're taking up the resources that are so –
[20:44] like they're limited resources for the living.
[20:46] And now you've got these dead people hanging around.
[20:48] What resources are they taking up?
[20:50] Rats and, like, fake open makeup?
[20:53] Like I don't – I mean as far as the movie goes –
[20:55] Jobs, Elliot.
[20:56] Apparently these zombies have jobs.
[20:57] We've seen how jobs can motivate people.
[21:02] Well, I'm saying we get the dead to do the jobs the living don't want to do.
[21:06] Like I guess – what's a job you guys don't want to do?
[21:10] Like picking up after other people's dogs?
[21:13] I kind of like that.
[21:15] Okay.
[21:16] Well, maybe they don't do that.
[21:17] We'll save that job for you, Stu.
[21:18] I've talked about this before,
[21:19] but I have this like longstanding dream of publishing a coffee table book
[21:24] that's just photos of dogs' faces while they're pooping.
[21:29] Because there's something so, like, pure and innocent but also, like,
[21:32] kind of concerned on their face.
[21:34] Like, I hope nobody pushes me over.
[21:36] Trust me.
[21:37] I see the look on my younger son's face all the time as he's going,
[21:40] la, la, la, la, oh.
[21:42] And then whatever he's doing, he just suddenly stops and stares at you
[21:46] until the poop is out.
[21:48] Yeah.
[21:49] That's – you're going to sneak that into your next Netflix special, right?
[21:53] Dana Carvey-style special about raising children?
[21:56] Sneak it into?
[21:57] It's the centerpiece of the special.
[21:59] Yeah, I guess you're right.
[22:00] It's called Elliot Kalin.
[22:01] Yeah, I have kids, too.
[22:02] Let me tell you all about them.
[22:03] You're not interested?
[22:04] Well, you're going to hear about it anyway.
[22:05] Write what you know.
[22:09] That's like my recent political comedy special, Elliot Kalin.
[22:14] How about this president, huh?
[22:16] What a piece of work he is.
[22:17] I don't like him.
[22:18] Maybe you do, but I think you're wrong.
[22:19] That's the title.
[22:20] Yeah, I mean, I think – are they going to turn it into an acronym?
[22:24] Dan, what would be the acronym for that one?
[22:26] Yeah, I don't remember the letters, but I do think of this –
[22:32] now, some people may think –
[22:34] There's also my special about how swinging prolongs your existence.
[22:39] It's called Kalin.
[22:41] Keep alive, love a neighbor.
[22:43] Okay.
[22:44] Well, that one less so than the other ones,
[22:46] but your ungainly title naming scheme,
[22:49] I realize that's to optimize your SEO.
[22:52] Whatever that means, yeah, sure.
[22:54] I optimize my –
[22:55] Your search engine optimization.
[22:58] A title that long means that it's explained for people.
[23:03] If they're writing a question into Google,
[23:05] this is the first thing that's going to come up.
[23:07] Oh, I thought SEO was the silly Elliot organization,
[23:10] which is my company, yes, that makes all these stand-up specials.
[23:13] Yeah.
[23:15] I would think that you would improve your SEO the most
[23:18] if all your specials had a hashtag before it,
[23:22] like hashtag triggered or something like that.
[23:26] Probably.
[23:27] That's the only one I could think of.
[23:28] Is that what that band is called?
[23:29] Why it's called that SEO Speedwagon?
[23:31] Yep.
[23:33] The company that they worked with has the top Speedwagon results of all Speedwagons.
[23:40] Now, a Speedwagon would just be a wagon, right?
[23:42] Like the wagon is supposed to go fast, right?
[23:44] Well, what wagon?
[23:46] Like a Red Rider or a –
[23:48] I got to assume so.
[23:49] Yeah, one of those radio flyer wagons.
[23:51] Yeah.
[23:52] Yeah.
[23:53] I mean –
[23:54] Speedwagon is also the name of one of the Joestar family's sidekicks,
[23:59] one of their allies in the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure series.
[24:02] But, you know.
[24:03] Makes sense.
[24:04] It's also the third in the Speed Trilogy.
[24:05] There's Speed, Speed 2 Cruise Control, and then Speedwagon,
[24:09] where they're like, if this wagon doesn't go faster than 40 miles an hour, you're toast.
[24:14] And they're like, no wagon can go that fast.
[24:16] What are you talking about?
[24:17] Yeah.
[24:18] Well, that was just the first title for Back to the Future Part 3.
[24:21] Rejected screenplay.
[24:24] It was about a Speedwagon.
[24:27] So, now we're in the homestretch, guys.
[24:29] Josh and the Commandant hatch a sneaky plan to get revenge on the zombie cult.
[24:34] This somehow involves the –
[24:36] and I got kind of confused.
[24:37] I watched this part a couple times and I still couldn't quite figure it out.
[24:40] The Commandant strips down to her underwear and plays dead.
[24:44] Makes sense.
[24:45] And then when the zombies go to cut her head open,
[24:48] she attacks them and she, like, wipes out the majority of the zombie cult.
[24:53] But in the process, she gets her guts ripped out.
[24:56] Seems like a wash.
[24:57] While she's doing that –
[24:58] That seems like a pyrrhic victory.
[25:00] While she's doing that, she has, like –
[25:02] she has Josh try and sneak in through the back door,
[25:06] but he spends most of the time fighting zombies on the front porch.
[25:09] Like, if you're in, like, a role-playing game and you fuck up early on
[25:13] and you just blow all your, like, one-shot abilities in the first room.
[25:16] Yeah.
[25:17] It's pretty funny.
[25:18] And then, meanwhile this is all going on,
[25:21] Angela uses the distraction to get in a knife fight with Good Mother Solstice.
[25:26] I don't quite know why.
[25:28] I think it's because she got human meat injected into her brain.
[25:31] Good enough reason.
[25:33] The fight mainly involves hitting each other with books
[25:36] or using a knife to, like, slash each other's clothes off.
[25:40] And then the fight's over when Good Mother Solstice gets a lethal overdose
[25:46] of human meat in her neck and her head explodes.
[25:50] And we get a couple reaction shots of our heroine saying,
[25:54] What?
[25:56] It's pretty great.
[25:57] So that's like a catchphrase?
[25:58] That's like a cool action hero catchphrase?
[26:00] I mean, I'm assuming that was included just so they could sneak into the trailer.
[26:05] So Angela and Josh have a bloody confrontation where Josh gets, yeah,
[26:10] so she gets in a fight with Josh, you know, like couples do sometimes,
[26:15] except they're both zombies at this point.
[26:17] So she uses a knife and stabs him in the balls
[26:21] and then pulls out one of his balls and stabs it into his head.
[26:27] See, they missed a trick there because she should have pulled the one ball off
[26:32] and then stabbed it into his other ball, pulled that ball off,
[26:35] and then into the head.
[26:37] Like a three-olive martini.
[26:40] Okay, interesting.
[26:42] That's Dan's fatality in the next Mortal Kombat game.
[26:48] I'm sure you guys, I don't know if you guys have seen the trailer,
[26:50] but in the new Mortal Kombat game they included Robocop.
[26:53] And in the fatality they show, he does in fact shoot Baraka in the dick.
[27:00] World's colliding.
[27:02] It's like a fucking Avengers Infinity War here.
[27:09] Yeah, you're like, what would happen if Robocop ran into, you know,
[27:13] Robocop the gem of OCP's police department program,
[27:18] if he were to run into the Tarkharten general of Outworld,
[27:23] what would he do?
[27:25] And of course it's shoot him in the dick.
[27:27] It feels like the what if is more,
[27:29] what if the video game manufacturers misunderstood the point of Robocop?
[27:35] You don't know.
[27:37] Baraka may be committing crimes, you don't know.
[27:39] More that Robocop is not just a straightforward story
[27:43] about a robot cop shooting criminals in the dick.
[27:49] Oh, wow.
[27:52] Yeah, I guess you're right.
[27:54] I guess it takes some twists and turns, you know?
[27:56] It's not a dick shooting.
[27:58] Robocop, you shouldn't assume that Blanka's dick is located the way
[28:03] where other people's dicks are.
[28:05] I mean, it would just be electrified.
[28:07] Completely different franchise.
[28:09] It's a Street Fighter character too, that's the other thing, yeah.
[28:11] Do you think it was intentional that Robocop shoots that one guy in the dick
[28:15] and then he also shoots a guy named Dick later in the movie?
[28:17] Yeah, that's because it's a brilliant movie.
[28:19] It's like a tapestry.
[28:21] Yeah, it's one of the few perfect movies.
[28:23] It's exactly like Carole King's tapestry.
[28:25] So to wrap up a less than perfect movie,
[28:28] so Angela Manchu is to escape the house,
[28:31] the Commandant blows off Josh's head,
[28:34] and then she blows off her own head.
[28:36] And then in the final scene, Angela, in the bathroom,
[28:39] sees herself, her zombie face,
[28:43] she picks up the look-alive disguise makeup
[28:47] and she throws it in the trash.
[28:49] And that is the end of the movie.
[28:51] So that was Zombies Anonymous.
[28:53] I wasted your time with it, and I also wasted my own time with it.
[28:56] So what do you think, guys?
[28:58] Well, that seems to have probably biased my reaction.
[29:02] You probably have some questions for me
[29:05] before you decide whether you're glad you missed it, sad we missed it,
[29:09] or had to not miss it.
[29:11] Well, okay, Stuart, were you moved by Angela's ultimate acceptance
[29:16] of her zombie life?
[29:20] I mean, it just didn't quite make sense up until that point,
[29:24] because, I mean, I just watched a bunch of people
[29:26] stab each other and hit each other with books
[29:29] for no real reason.
[29:31] So the idea of her, like, accepting herself,
[29:35] that didn't seem like, I mean,
[29:37] I didn't really see the apotheosis of her journey.
[29:40] You're saying the character arc was not earned.
[29:42] What if she just threw it away because she's like,
[29:44] this stuff doesn't work. What a waste of money.
[29:46] Everyone lives in a zombie.
[29:48] That actually is a good point.
[29:49] Maybe it was just a harsh critique of the product.
[29:52] Maybe this is more of like a 60-minute-style Consumer Reports thing
[29:55] about an expose of how look-alive does not, in fact, make you look alive.
[30:00] Uh-huh does 60 minutes still do those yeah
[30:05] 60 minutes 90 minute long zombie movies
[30:12] The best part of rumors Andy Rooney would come out at the end and complain about the movie you just watched
[30:21] I would like to watch I would like to I would like to watch movies with Andy Rooney
[30:26] We all would unfortunately, he's passed on to the great zombie land in the sky. Yeah
[30:32] That's what do you think?
[30:34] Do you think Andy Rooney would have really liked zombie land to double-tap? I
[30:41] Think I think it would go a little something like this
[30:44] When I sat down to watch the new zombie land film the next in the zombie land franchise
[30:50] I had to ask myself
[30:52] How big is zombie land? Isn't it more of a zombie continent to have two full adventures on it?
[31:00] Now the subtitle double-tap implies you'll be seeing tap dancing
[31:04] I don't know what else it would be reply responding to or
[31:07] Referring to and yet at no point do Woody Harrelson or Jesse Eisenberg the stars of the zombie land franchise
[31:14] Ever strap on some tap shoes and let the music take them where it may
[31:18] You know, if I'm gonna watch zombies tap I'll go back to the graveyard where Fred Astaire puts on shows nightly until his legs fall off
[31:28] For 60 minutes, I'm Andy
[31:31] I started out like how Andy Rooney probably do it then it got a little dry in the middle and then though it went
[31:38] So I've never heard
[31:40] Can you remember bring that up before if I saw if I saw Fred Astaire tap dancing in a graveyard?
[31:46] I would be telling everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean it's ironic because well, let's look at his review of the original zombie land
[31:52] Hi, it's me
[31:54] Andy Rooney with real are EEL Rooney my movie review
[32:00] Column on television
[32:02] Today, I saw a zombie land. Well, I saw most of zombie land around two-thirds of the way through
[32:08] I really had to pee and so I tried to hold it in as best as I could
[32:12] But at a certain point you have to put your own health over the movie that you're seeing
[32:17] So I guess I'll be reviewing the first two-thirds and then the bathroom at the Hollywood Arclight Cinemas
[32:24] Zombie land has an interesting first two-thirds a kind of modern ironic take on the zombie movie
[32:30] It's very meta and yet it lacks a conclusion that I felt like I could really believe in in fact two-thirds the way through
[32:36] There's no sense of the movie coming to an end yet. My time in the bathroom. However was a sheer delight clean
[32:44] Comfortable the lighting was bright enough to see my penis so I could hold it in my hands
[32:48] Not so bright that I was aware of all the signs of aging that have become more and more in accumulation on my body parts I
[32:56] decided to stroll around the hallways of the theater afterwards looking at the posters of the movies that were coming out soon a
[33:02] Few I were interested in others not so much and some I just think I'm gonna miss entirely
[33:09] By the time I was done with my perambulations the film was over
[33:13] So
[33:15] I give the two-thirds that I saw zombie land in incomplete and I give the bathrooms and a plus-plus
[33:23] This has been
[33:26] In the aisles, that's right. I changed the name of the segment while I was doing it
[33:31] I'm glad that on his main feed and he didn't put it behind a paywall. Oh, no, that's what brings people to the paywall content
[33:38] Stewart do you ever get Yelp reviews that that that like cancer lands because the light is bright enough to see their dick
[33:45] Is that a common review?
[33:48] I mean to be out to be honest
[33:50] I got multiple compliments at the lighting in the bathrooms
[33:55] I think it's usually so that people can take selfies and not so they can see their genitals. Well, I'm sure there's a
[34:01] Style of selfie that you're not saying probably so I guess you're right
[34:05] Yeah, now my guess is that it tells it says more about the kinds of public restrooms
[34:10] Andy Rooney finds himself in regularly that he felt
[34:18] Maybe blindingly bright in there for someone who's not an elderly man. I don't know. Anyway rest in so
[34:23] So I got some bad news guys. You have gone over your a lot of time to ask me questions about the movie
[34:30] Right to final judgments
[34:32] Are you are you glad we missed it sad? We missed it or had to not miss it
[34:38] I think Stewart, I think you did a great job of communicating to us
[34:41] Why as far as I'm concerned, I am glad I missed it and I feel bad that you did not miss it
[34:48] So that's the new rating is feel bad Stewart unmissed it
[34:52] yeah, I
[34:53] Think that there was a palpable sense of disdain rating off
[34:58] Radiating off of you Stewart
[35:00] Both in the video and just the things you were saying so I'm gonna say I'm glad I missed it
[35:07] Okay. Well
[35:08] You at home can miss it not miss it. Do whatever you like. You're a human being you have autonomy
[35:15] So yeah, that's been miss that movie. I think we've all agreed that it's a glad we missed it
[35:22] We got something fun coming up though, right Elliot, that's right
[35:26] Hey, if you're listening to this, that means there's still time that why unless you're listening to this very late
[35:30] Anyway, the point is on Saturday June 6th
[35:34] We're gonna be doing one of those flop house live shows we do in towns in cities across America
[35:39] But we're gonna be doing it from our homes to your home. That's right Saturday, June 6 at 9 p.m
[35:44] Eastern Time 6 p.m. Pacific you do the math on where that is Central and Mountain Time. I don't know
[35:49] We're gonna be doing a classic flop house live show over our YouTube channel. We're gonna be doing presentations
[35:55] We're gonna be talking about Howard the Duck
[35:57] We may try to figure out some way to interact with the audience
[36:01] We don't know anyway, if you go to youtube.com slash see slash the flop house podcast
[36:06] That's youtube.com slash the letter C slash the flop house podcast
[36:11] You'll find it there if you don't see it when you go there just refresh the page at a 9 p.m
[36:16] Eastern 6 p.m. Pacific and it'll come out or if you need the information again, go to the flop house podcast calm again
[36:22] We're gonna be watching Howard the Duck and we're gonna do it all for charity
[36:24] We're going to be trying to bring awareness to the problem of hunger. That's being faced by many people in this country
[36:31] it's increasingly more so because of what's going on and we're going to be doing that by
[36:36] Talking about Howard the Duck and it's amazing laser effects and hit song
[36:41] About Howard the Duck the eponymous duck who is Howard of the title again?
[36:45] That's Saturday, June 6 9 p.m. Easter 6 p.m. Pacific at the YouTube flop house channel
[36:50] So go to the flop house podcast comm for that information in case you weren't writing it down as I was saying it
[36:58] Yeah, well, that's great that's gonna be a lot of fun I'm looking forward to it's gonna be real fun
[37:01] We're gonna have new presentations right guys. Yeah, are they gonna be like loosely quarantine themed?
[37:06] Is that the theme we're working on?
[37:08] I think the thing we're working on is stuff stuff we want to do
[37:12] Yeah
[37:17] Sure, I'm sure the flavor of the world will will slip in no matter what the topic
[37:22] As I am genuinely excited about seeing Howard the Duck again
[37:26] If only because my memories of some parts of it from when I saw it as a kid are so vivid and other but I don't
[37:30] Remember what the connective tissue is. I just remember how good those laser special effects are. There's some solid laser effects
[37:36] Yeah, I mean at the end with like the laser lightning around the monster. I do not remember when it happens
[37:41] I just remember as a kid being like, oh those are Ghostbusters level lasers. Yeah
[37:47] All right. Well guys, thanks for listening
[37:51] This has been fun. I'm glad we missed it. I've been Dan McCoy. Oh
[37:56] I've been Stuart Wellington and I'm Elliot Kalin or am I Andy Rooney? No, that'd be crazy. I'm Elliot Kalin
[38:12] Judge John Hodgman won a Webby in the comedy podcast category after 10 years of production
[38:17] Judge John Hodgman has finally won the Susan Lucci of the Webby's. What is judge John Hodgman?
[38:24] Comedy writer and television personality John Hodgman settles disputes between friends family co-workers partners and more
[38:32] It's machine gun a robot should a grown adult tell his parents about his tattoos
[38:36] Should a family be compelled to wear matching outfits on vacation?
[38:40] Listen to judge John Hodgman to find out the answers to these age-old disputes and more
[38:44] If you haven't listened to judge John Hodgman now is a great time to start
[38:49] Judge John Hodgman is available on maximumfund.org and wherever you get your podcasts
[39:01] Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported

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Somebody gave Stuart a movie, and he watched it! And now he's telling us about it!

Also, watch The Flop House LIVE show LIVESTREAM for CHARITY in your OWN HOME next Saturday, JUNE 6!

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