Ep. #315 - Hawk the Slayer, w/ Felicia Day

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Hawk the Slayer.

[0:04] The movie that dares to ask the question,

[0:06] what if you watched your friends play D&D for an hour and a half,

[0:10] but you didn't get to share their Doritos?

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] Hey Dan McCoy, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Over here is Elliot Kalin. Usually I'd waste a lot of time doing some kind of bit where I introduce my name and it takes a while, but we don't have time for that.

[0:51] Because I wanted to introduce our special guest star for this episode, an actual, honest to goodness, television superstar.

[0:58] That's right, superstar, I said.

[1:00] You may know her as the creator and star of The Guild.

[1:02] You may know her as a best-selling author.

[1:04] You may know her, like you do know her,

[1:06] as King of Forrester on Mystery Science Theater 2000,

[1:08] The Return for Netflix.

[1:09] Very excited to have Felicia Day with us today.

[1:12] Thank you so much for joining us.

[1:13] Hey, thanks for having me.

[1:17] Now, Felicia.

[1:18] What, what, what, Dan?

[1:19] Dan, Dan, our guest has barely started talking.

[1:21] I had so much more.

[1:23] I had an opening monologue.

[1:24] It seemed like she had paused, but I, yeah, I know.

[1:27] This is historically my job on the show, is to do things wrong.

[1:31] Oh, okay.

[1:32] I'm very good.

[1:33] I've never been, I'm usually best um-kept.

[1:36] Like, I want to be a street urchin for the rest of my life.

[1:39] Every D&D character is street urchin, street urchin, street urchin.

[1:42] And it's just so I don't have to do my hair and makeup.

[1:44] No, all I wanted to say was I, of course, am the biggest fan of Felicia from her work on Buffy and Dr. Horrible.

[1:52] But I would be remiss in not mentioning that during the quarantine, a lot of people are doing watch-alongs.

[1:59] My friend had a watch-along for her birthday of all of the Bring It On movies.

[2:04] And I was delighted to see her as the goth cheerleader in the second of those films.

[2:09] Oh, no. I was the goth cheerleader healed by cheer.

[2:12] Like, I was the goth ballerina healed by cheer, basically.

[2:15] That was a blast from the past.

[2:17] that was a weird that was a weird that was a weird job that's when i did that's when i realized

[2:24] not realized it but i did wonder why the director would hit on everybody

[2:30] we won't go into that though you're hearing the hollywood goss yeah exactly the behind the bts

[2:37] should we explain what we do or do we want to talk about stuff yeah we should we should probably

[2:43] explain what we do i mean okay dan how how many years have we been doing this show uh it is about

[2:49] 12 years i guess and yet each time 13 almost 13 and each time it's as if you've never done it before

[2:56] you have a freshness about you dan like you've never been behind a mic before and that's really

[3:03] that's really impressive that you've been doing this 13 years it's like somebody bonked him on

[3:08] the head and there were little birds tweeting around him and then they pushed him onto a

[3:12] microphone i just started riffing you know yeah it provides kind of a ramp ramshackle feel to the

[3:20] show so people think that we're just their idiot friends see yeah we i love like i said unpolished

[3:26] is my by specialty there's nothing worse than trying to look good you know you have a booger

[3:30] in your nose you know what i'm saying you walk out you got toilet paper in your shoe and yet if

[3:35] you're the guy who points to the guy or lady who points their nose and goes check it out a booger

[3:40] you're everybody's best friend all of a sudden like if you call yourself out on it you call

[3:45] yourself on it because i always tell other people and then they get mad at me that i told them and

[3:48] i'm like did you want to go home and see that was in your nose and imagine all the people that saw

[3:54] you with a booger in your nose and just go over and over and over and over in your mind all night

[3:58] i mean that's what i would do yeah i would stare into the dark corners of the room

[4:04] thinking about all the mistakes you've made and oh man no no stewart get out of that

[4:10] i can't believe i said that thing are you doing your bit he's weeping the live show again

[4:16] oh boy okay so hawk the slayer so maybe dan what do we do what do we do on the on this podcast

[4:24] uh this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it you know i mean

[4:29] I always feel bad

[4:32] that the concept

[4:34] is baked into the podcast, but it's also

[4:36] prejudging the film, because I don't know what

[4:38] these guys thought of it, but

[4:40] mostly they're bad movies. The movies

[4:42] that we have been led to believe are not

[4:44] so good. So you don't, like, do a

[4:46] Godfather situation here, or

[4:48] you're not, like, watching, you know,

[4:50] Schindler's List? Maybe the third one.

[4:52] The third Schindler's List. The direct-to-video

[4:54] one where it's dogs.

[4:55] There was a direct-to-video? Really?

[4:59] Wow, that's one that I don't think people have reviewed.

[5:02] I'll have to look on Rotten Tomatoes.

[5:03] That's a real Schindler's twist.

[5:06] Oh, shit.

[5:08] No, not a fan.

[5:09] What?

[5:10] You're making a face as if you were not the person

[5:13] who introduced the idea of a direct-to-video sequel

[5:16] to Schindler's List,

[5:17] and yet I am the one who gets reprimanded.

[5:22] Fair point, fair point.

[5:23] We're all sinners in this world.

[5:24] I will say, I think at time of release,

[5:27] this movie was not particularly thought of well by critics and i think it was a box office bust

[5:32] and now this is a movie that came out in 1980 and i was curious how well it did so i looked up on

[5:39] box office mojo by mdb pro uh i don't know why i'm giving them brand name sponsorship but uh the

[5:44] i looked up domestic box office for 1980 and it was not in the top 68 releases of that year

[5:50] that's that's as far as the chart goes uh back in the back in 1980 they released thousands upon

[5:56] thousands of movies, right? That's true.

[5:58] That's true. They had the drive-in theaters,

[6:00] right? This was like number one in Topeka

[6:02] on the west side.

[6:04] Not on the east side of Topeka. Oh, wow.

[6:06] I don't know. It's weird that they split those... I don't know which side of

[6:08] Topeka is better, but yeah.

[6:09] Split those demos up for the purposes of box office

[6:12] reporting. That's where

[6:14] basically one of the star's families

[6:16] lived. Yeah.

[6:17] So they all went to see it. But this

[6:20] movie also... So the movie we're watching is Hawk the Slayer.

[6:22] I have a question for Stuart about it in a moment.

[6:24] But first, this

[6:26] actually has a previous flop house connection and that it was directed by uh the director terry

[6:32] marcel whose daughter kelly marcel wrote the 50 shades of a gray movie which we did on this very

[6:39] podcast so i can see connections yeah so it was written but that's whose the daughter wrote it

[6:46] and the dad or the mom wrote this movie no no the the dad directed this movie directed the movie

[6:52] And he may have co-written it.

[6:54] Let's see.

[6:54] Let me take a look.

[6:55] Yeah, he did.

[6:55] Yeah, and he co-wrote it and directed it.

[6:58] And then his daughter went on to become a screenwriter as well.

[7:00] So it's a schlock legacy.

[7:01] Oh, yes.

[7:03] Oh, very much so.

[7:04] It's a proud family tradition, I guess is the way you'd call it.

[7:08] Now, Stuart, my question for you is Hawk the Slayer, you were very big on it.

[7:12] We asked Felicia, what kind of movie would you like to do?

[7:15] And she said, fantasy, please.

[7:16] And Stuart said, Hawk the Slayer in big capital letters in a text.

[7:20] Now, what was it about this movie that really had you going?

[7:23] So there's, you know, I have a couple of connections to Hawk the Slayer.

[7:27] It's mentioned in the first season of Spaced, you know, the Edgar Wright show.

[7:33] And I remember being like, what the fuck are they talking about?

[7:35] So I had to look it up.

[7:36] And then I used to, when I worked for, yeah, I was really mad at the show.

[7:41] I turned my TV to face the wall.

[7:45] And when I worked for Games Workshop, I had some English coworkers who were big fantasy nerds, and they also, you know, they were fans of Hawk the Slayer for some reason.

[7:56] And then the third reason I mentioned it is the exact day you texted me, somebody told me their brother suggested we should do Hawk the Slayer for the show.

[8:06] Wow.

[8:07] Thank you, random person's brother.

[8:10] Thank you.

[8:11] Yeah, exactly.

[8:11] I mean, he's probably going to listen now, but I feel like I want him to be surprised and be like, oh, my God, by mentioning it to this other person and then mentioning that his game of telephone actually paid off.

[8:24] He's like, what kind of power do I have that I spoke it and it came into being?

[8:29] Now, on a similar line of questioning, with some big exceptions, fantasy is not necessarily my genre.

[8:39] uh felicia i know that uh i mean one of your first ways of coming to prominence was uh the

[8:45] guild is it and you said fantasy is it something that you particularly connect with oh yeah i live

[8:51] in another world my life is a fantasy i have read every fantasy novel there is i have watched most

[8:57] things that are fantasy based i even watched the shanara show for a while and that was that was

[9:04] so i will do anything with a sword or a drape or a horse or a turret i mean i am like a sucker

[9:13] i'll watch a little bit of anything i am a turret whore so like and i know a lot about history so i

[9:21] realize it is just a fictional account like it's literally like if people wrote about our time and

[9:27] and it was like the jetsons you know like it's so far moved for reality that that that we created

[9:34] a fictitious universe that is this

[9:36] chivalrous sort of time

[9:38] where women were so happy

[9:40] they weren't

[9:42] dead bodies everybody didn't stink but

[9:44] at the same time I love it and that's my

[9:46] it's sort of like a fairy tale kind of thing so

[9:48] yeah I have watched a lot of it but I did

[9:50] not watch this movie and thank God

[9:52] for the introduction to it thank God

[9:53] I think

[9:56] we're going to have an interesting dynamic

[9:58] here between those of us who

[10:00] probably enjoyed the movie and those of us

[10:02] who did not enjoy the movie

[10:04] as one co-host

[10:05] who will be named later

[10:06] texted me multiple times

[10:08] while watching it

[10:08] with his disgruntlement.

[10:10] It wasn't Stuart.

[10:11] But we'll get to that.

[10:15] Let's talk about it.

[10:15] Listeners, write in.

[10:17] Write in with your guesses.

[10:19] Stop the podcast right now.

[10:21] Write in with your guesses.

[10:22] Write, was it Dan,

[10:23] care of Dan McCoy,

[10:25] 123 Enney Street,

[10:26] New York City,

[10:27] Brooklyn,

[10:28] 101-111-1111-1111-1111,

[10:31] 1111-USA-Earth-America.

[10:33] I don't want to give too many spoilers too early.

[10:36] I will say it's not so much dislike as boredom,

[10:40] but we'll get to it.

[10:41] All right, interesting.

[10:43] Well, let's talk about the hawk,

[10:46] which is, I guess, probably should have been the slogan on the poster.

[10:50] Because the slogan on the poster says,

[10:52] beyond the edge of darkness, there is a world of sword and sorcery.

[10:56] But it should have been, you're going to talk about the hawk.

[10:59] Yeah, I figured it'd be like, can you talk the hawk, or will you hawk the talk?

[11:02] Exactly.

[11:04] That's even better.

[11:05] That's even better, dude.

[11:06] Yeah.

[11:07] Some people walk the walk.

[11:09] This guy talks the hawk.

[11:11] And people are like, wait, so he talks to hawks?

[11:14] No, no, no, no, no.

[11:15] That's not what it's about.

[11:15] And with Lady Hawk coming out, I think that was probably later.

[11:19] That totally owes all of it.

[11:22] All the hawkdom is owed to the hawk.

[11:24] And then the third movie in the trilogy, Hudson Hawk.

[11:27] Yeah, exactly.

[11:28] Exactly, it was just a generation of hawkdom,

[11:31] and this was really the bird of the decade.

[11:34] Look who's hawking, and look who's hawking too.

[11:36] People loved hawking.

[11:37] That was a story about a baby who got into falconry, right?

[11:41] And the baby was holding a little glove with a little baby falcon on it,

[11:45] which, now that I think about it, is kind of the plot of Kez,

[11:48] which is a terribly sad movie.

[11:49] Okay, so, Hawk the Slayer.

[11:51] We open with an opening title that has some kind of epic myth stuff

[11:54] that, you know, just say basic stuff.

[11:56] We don't need to get into it.

[11:57] I didn't write it down.

[11:58] Because, quickly, we're introduced to the villain of the piece.

[12:00] That's right, Voltan the Dark One.

[12:03] Jack Palance, wearing a helmet that covers half his face because they, I guess, didn't have the makeup budget for his heavily scarred face to be on screen for more than a, you know, the minute at the end of the movie.

[12:13] Voltan is infiltrating a castle.

[12:15] He wants his dad's secret to ancient power.

[12:19] And how would you describe the room that his dad is in?

[12:22] It's probably where Trump takes a poop.

[12:26] Yeah, that's it.

[12:28] Yeah, it's got shiny gold walls, and there seems to be some kind of dry ice hot tub just in the middle with gold statues over it.

[12:35] I love this more than anything in this scene.

[12:39] There's two sort of gargoyles on either side of the hot tub, and they have this look like they're a kid from 1980 doing a headshot.

[12:47] It's the cute little two fists under the chin going, hey.

[12:53] i actually re-watched the whole sequence just looking at the gargoyle's face it feels so much

[13:00] like they wanted a creepy gargoyle but all they could get was like little angel statues and they

[13:04] were just like paint them gold stick them on the hot tub what are you gonna do come on yeah i uh

[13:09] this is the kind of room that if i was uh playing a game of true dungeon and this was the last

[13:14] chamber i would not be super bummed about it but i wouldn't be very happy i've done true dungeon

[13:21] that's amazing i figured somebody would appreciate it 10 people and me not me stewart thumbs down to

[13:28] that reference not in my wheelhouse so so voltan is fighting his dad right and they look roughly

[13:35] two years apart and voltan seems older than his dad and now this is yep i think the main issue

[13:42] with casting jack palance as your villain but then deciding that the villain and the hero should be

[13:47] brothers because jack palance by this time let's see this is 1980 he was 61 years old at the time

[13:53] and he is he and uh you do not want a 61 year old hero uh and so you end up with some very old

[14:01] brothers he looks to be about a little bit older than his dad and uh he he wants the secret to

[14:07] ancient power uh and his dad is like no way and while he's arguing with his dad hawk is is this

[14:14] one of the times when hawk is riding on his horse for a very long time yeah it's like exterior

[14:19] darkness interior light so he's like two time zones over but somehow just arrives it's amazing

[14:25] i'm like what why is the castle at midnight and then he's like it's golden hour it doesn't make

[14:31] any sense no it's it's and uh they do i don't remember if they do it here but they do a number

[14:36] of times hawk will be riding on his horse and they'll just cross dissolve to him riding on

[14:40] his horse and then they will half dissolve him riding on his horse with the image of him riding

[14:44] on his horse and it's like well it felt like they were they they really want to make the most of

[14:48] this this hawk uh riding horses footage but there's always a lizard watching him yeah lizard

[14:54] or a snake yeah and there's a disco it's disco lizard so basically disco lizard watches hawk

[14:59] ride through the woods as long as we're talking about hawk riding through the woods which is

[15:04] approximately 90 of the movie i also would like to say that every exterior in this movie

[15:10] is uh a patch of the woods that basically looks like the other patch of the woods we just saw

[15:15] with uh about like let's say 10 smoke machines on overdrive making this background and often

[15:22] holly uh halloween adventure skulls just tied to trees yep there's so many bones tied to trees in

[15:29] this movie but anyway hawk shows up uh hawk bursts in too late the dad is is dying voltan left i

[15:36] guess and the old man gives hawk his magic stone that he kept in an amulet around his neck voltan

[15:41] couldn't crack that code no it could he couldn't get the sword off the wall either he didn't even

[15:46] try just like dad you're dead i'm out of here and the stone goes into the so the handle of the sword

[15:52] which is called the mind sword for reasons that are never really explained i guess because you

[15:56] can control it with your mind it's a hand and the hand opens up and holds this glowing stone

[16:00] and his dad is like now you've got the power and you're going to use this and hawk wills the sword

[16:06] to his hand and it floats over and that's when we get the title hawk the slayer drawn by hand

[16:12] as if it is the first bootleg like ep release of a heavy metal of like a hometown heavy metal band

[16:19] and it is copyright chips productions which is maybe my favorite thing that i've ever seen

[16:24] favorite i was like chips what else have they done this is did they do chips later it's just

[16:29] Kind of like their side project.

[16:30] And this is an English movie, so that means it's copyright French Fries Productions, which is even better.

[16:36] And I'm going to go out on a limb right now.

[16:40] I mean, the instant this movie started, I was like, movie, I'm totally yours.

[16:45] But then when the theme song started playing, the music is genuinely amazing.

[16:50] No, no, the music, I actually would listen to the soundtrack.

[16:53] It is genuinely amazing.

[16:56] It's disco tech somehow.

[16:59] It should be like Tron, you know?

[17:01] Like, it's not appropriate for anything that's on screen.

[17:05] It's really quite good.

[17:07] Yeah, I tried to see whether it was available for purchase, actually.

[17:10] I mean, you can get it as MP3s, but not in any other format.

[17:14] But I was like, yeah, it's like disco.

[17:16] Some of it sounds like the Disneyland Main Street Electrical Parade.

[17:20] Some of it sounds like Ennio Morricone.

[17:22] like it's way different than anything you like would see in a modern fantasy film or here the

[17:28] more coney comments interesting because i think uh reading up on the trivia behind it i guess they

[17:34] were trying to go for a lot they're trying to go for like a western but set in a like a fantasy

[17:39] sword and sorcery realm and that was clear that was clear with the long expressionless close-ups

[17:46] they kept cutting back and forth i'm like are they trying to do a spaghetti western with like

[17:50] and i was like wow that would have been cool had it worked in any way yeah the ways the only way

[17:56] it works is the music and when they show people shooting crossbows and they oh it's amazing

[18:00] those are fantastic in the world yeah it's my favorite thing in the world those crossbows

[18:05] because they're machine gun crossbows oh yeah and it's just them showing the same piece of footage

[18:09] over like cut really close together and when and less i've never seen an elf shoot arrows so fast

[18:15] sorry i was like why does anyone have a sword in this world yes you all be using machine gun arrows

[18:20] or crossbows

[18:21] I'm like nobody can hold a candle

[18:24] to this one handed crossbow

[18:26] artist over here

[18:27] well that's one way in which this fantasy medieval world

[18:30] is better than the real world

[18:31] there's a waiting period for crossbows in this universe

[18:34] oh I see

[18:35] they close that loophole

[18:37] that bolt hole

[18:38] so anyway there's

[18:41] a guy with a crossbow

[18:43] and his one arm is wounded grievously

[18:45] he goes to a convent and he's like

[18:47] I'm from a village and Voltan destroyed it

[18:49] They were laughing, and they amputate his hands.

[18:51] A convent that is a very cool matte painting.

[18:53] I think we can all agree, right?

[18:54] It is.

[18:55] It was pretty cool, yeah.

[18:56] And this man is Ranulf.

[18:57] And for a while, you'd be mistaken in thinking that he's the hero of the movie, because it

[19:01] takes a long time for Hawk to come back.

[19:03] For a while, this is the adventures of Ranulf looking for Hawk.

[19:05] Which, by the way, better actor.

[19:08] Oh, yeah.

[19:09] Oh, yeah.

[19:09] Well, I wanted to say earlier when Ellie was talking about the problem with Jack Pounce

[19:13] being the brother, the other problem is, as many years older Jack Pounce is, that's how

[19:18] much more charismatic Jack Palance

[19:20] also is. The hawk is kind of a blank.

[19:22] I mean, by the time this movie

[19:24] came out, Jack Palance had been in movies for

[19:26] roughly 40 years.

[19:27] There's a reason he lasted that long.

[19:30] Because he's super charismatic

[19:32] and he's got a creepy face.

[19:33] So,

[19:36] Voltan, meanwhile, his face

[19:38] gives him such pain that he has to go to this

[19:40] kind of weird, dark wizard god who talks

[19:42] through an audio

[19:44] filtered voice and who uses

[19:46] finger lasers to cure him of his pain temporarily and this is another moment where i was like yes

[19:51] movie thank you yes no it's amazing it's like the most janky lasix i've ever seen in my life

[19:57] he's screaming and it still doesn't work and i'm just like what are you doing

[20:01] you put some anesthetic on there man and they never you know they never really explain what

[20:08] dimension this wizard is in or how he gets there he'll just be talking to his men and go i have to

[20:12] go my face is in pain and then he's suddenly in this kind of red dimension where this wizard hangs

[20:17] out waiting to shoot lasers into his face from his fingers it's uh it's so uh but it reminds me of

[20:23] like a sound bath person in silver lake you know what i'm saying it's like i totally unaccredited

[20:27] he he has this belief that it's gonna fix him and that belief and cash a cash money payment is gonna

[20:34] really cure him he's like well i could go with what western medicine says with a lot of quotes

[20:39] around it but i think the harmonics are what's really going to take the infection out of my face

[20:44] uh so this this dark ike was calling him a dark god but later they refer to him as a wizard

[20:49] uh he's like you have to go to this convent uh and do something to lure hawk out uh so voltan

[20:55] and his son whose name is drogo uh they they go to uh although later on it's revealed that

[21:01] he isn't his adopted son uh they go to this convent and he and his son kidnap the head nun

[21:06] for a ransom and they say

[21:08] we're going to ransom this and then just to make

[21:11] it make the threat super clear

[21:12] Voltan cuts a loaf of bread in half with his

[21:14] sword which gets its own shot which was

[21:16] it's my favorite shot it's a

[21:18] ciabatta you know like it's one of those

[21:20] like it's a very it's either a hamburger

[21:22] bun a large hamburger you know what it is

[21:24] it's a schlotzky's bun

[21:26] yeah yeah

[21:26] that's actually the kind of role

[21:30] that we're using for our

[21:32] sandwiches at my bar Hinterlands

[21:34] which is now open for to-go service

[21:36] Oh, so interesting and delicious

[21:38] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Stuart

[21:40] You have to buy a Jumbotron

[21:43] For that kind of business message

[21:45] Why? I'm just talking

[21:46] Listen, if you cut it with your broadsword

[21:49] Like that, I'm there

[21:50] I need to see a broadsword cut and I'll take that away

[21:53] I mean, I have to assume it's free

[21:54] If the customer will chop it in half with a broadsword

[21:56] Right, Stu?

[21:57] No, that's kind of like a gyokaku

[21:59] You gotta cook your own beef

[22:02] And then at this place, you gotta cut your own ciabatta

[22:04] With a broadsword

[22:05] Not a fan of those.

[22:06] I'll hold the ciabatta, and then you'll carefully cut it in half using your broadsword.

[22:11] I don't know.

[22:12] Maybe you should just put it on a table.

[22:14] It will probably require rolling a critical hit.

[22:16] Probably.

[22:17] Probably.

[22:18] Now, what kind of armor class is on that sandwich?

[22:22] Ciabatta has a five, or maybe it has a very good saving throw, dexterity saving throw.

[22:28] It's a real bouncy ciabatta.

[22:32] So, uh, the, so Randolph, the crossbow guy, he reports to the, uh, to the abbot, uh, and

[22:39] the abbot, he's like, Hey, this, I was at, I happen to be at this convent and this, and

[22:43] the head nun got kidnapped.

[22:44] What do I do?

[22:45] I'm just a guy with one hand and a cross and a magic machine crossbow.

[22:48] And the abbot says, get Hawk.

[22:51] He's done work for us before.

[22:52] And that, that sequence I remember because the abbot was on fire the whole time.

[22:57] Like they shot him in a way that there was a fire underneath him the whole time.

[23:01] So he looked like he was literally standing in a fire the whole time, which looked uncomfortable.

[23:06] And he's like, you need to find this one man.

[23:09] And his name is Hawk.

[23:11] And then that's when I raised my fist in the air.

[23:13] I put down the Warhammer miniatures I was painting and I put my fists in the air and started chanting Hawk over and over.

[23:19] Yeah, Hawk, Hawk, Hawk, just like in the Mighty Ducks, but Hawk instead of Quack.

[23:23] I will mention that the High Abbot is played by the actor Harry Andrews, who was in a very great movie called The Hill.

[23:31] with Sean Connery, so it's a much better movie than this, but this is pretty fun. It's less fun

[23:37] than this, but it's better. There's some great British character actors that show up, and I hope

[23:41] we highlight them as they come. Oh, we will. When the innkeeper showed up, and I was like, I know

[23:45] that innkeeper. We'll get to him for sure. And speaking of great British actors that we're going

[23:50] to highlight, Hawk is riding through the woods for a while. It's not time for the main adventure,

[23:54] time for a little introductory quest. A woman is about to be burned by two brigands at the stake

[23:59] as a witch and this is something hawk does a lot which is ride through the woods until he comes

[24:02] across an injustice and then kill all the bad guys uh and he meant they murder a lot of people

[24:08] for good being good guys quote unquote there's a lot of murder it's tons of murder and something

[24:14] that i wasn't ready for but which i found kind of refreshing was how stern and humorless hawk is i'm

[24:20] so used to like your chris pratt or like um you know robert denny jr type heroes in these big

[24:25] movies now these days to have a hero who is so incredibly humorless and just is like yes well

[24:31] stop that or i'll kill you okay killing you now we're not paying the ransom it wouldn't be worth

[24:37] it voltan must die it was like wow this guy's not even trying to entertain especially considering

[24:43] he has that cool like han solo kind of vest that he wears around that uh and guys do you think do

[24:50] Do you think I'd look cool if I had a Hawk the Slayer haircut?

[24:52] Oh, boy.

[24:54] It's like, it was like a bowl was put on the front to get the bangs,

[24:59] and then it's a party in the back.

[25:01] Uh-huh, yep.

[25:02] A hawk party.

[25:03] Well, when I go, yeah, when I go to my stylist, I'll say,

[25:06] okay, first put a bowl on my head.

[25:09] Now push it back a little bit.

[25:11] Yeah, it needs to be a super high bang line.

[25:13] No, take the soup out first.

[25:16] Or don't, if that's the secret.

[25:20] to what to style yeah to soft silky hair is minestrone uh so he's gonna say there's a long

[25:27] stare down very long stare down that's where that spaghetti western aspect comes in between hawk and

[25:31] this bad guy then there's a sword fight and he saves this witch this witch is played by patricia

[25:36] quinn that's right from i claudius did i interview her on the max fun podcast ipodius yes i did so

[25:42] that's another little connection i claudius's patricia quinn playing here the blind witch who

[25:47] can see all and has magic hula hoops later in so that's ipod hosted by me and john hedgman

[25:53] on maximum fun ipod wherever podcasters a lot of unpaid for advertisements here hey um which who

[25:59] was she in i claudius she was lavilla she was the uh she was the one who was in love with sejanus

[26:07] patrick stewart's character and uh and and goes goes crazy with evil uh and is gets her comeuppance

[26:15] but she's really great in it just like uh when she was magenta and rocky horror picture show yes i

[26:20] guess most people would know her as magenta and rocky horror picture show sure but uh but i don't

[26:24] have a podcast to promote off of that whereas she did play next year lavilla where i interviewed her

[26:30] so the witch is like hey someone's looking for you i know these things because i'm because i'm

[26:35] even though i told those guys i'm not a witch and i was just trying to cure their pig i am actually

[26:39] a witch uh he rides through the woods for a while past a lot of bones there's a lot of half dissolves

[26:44] like said and finally ranulf is had has had a run-in with some brigands and they're about to

[26:50] kill him with a hatchet throwing competition it's lousy with brigands around these parts right it

[26:55] was a dark time where the woods were full of brigands and there were no towns or villages

[26:59] later on they go to a blacksmith who just seems to have a stall in the middle of the woods in the

[27:03] middle of the woods yeah i think they shot in one half acre and they just kind of twirled the camera

[27:08] around twirled it around they were like the sort of thing where you like you you toggle onto your

[27:13] map and then you're like i guess i'll put a fucking waypoint out here can i fast travel

[27:20] off of that bone so what what well i guess i'll check in on foursquare at tree with bone next to

[27:28] it that's the business now he saves ran off and ran off was like oh you're hawk i've been looking

[27:33] for you i've got a mission for you meanwhile uh voltan is terrorizing a bunch of people i think

[27:38] this is the scene where uh his son calls a guy a dork which i thought was hilarious amazing it was

[27:45] amazing yeah uh this is their their uh angering some guys uh at an inn and the innkeeper i was

[27:51] like i know that guy and i looked up and that's the actor roy kinnear best known as veruca salt's

[27:55] dad from willie wonka and the chocolate factory oh wow that's where i recognize in front i

[27:59] recognize a lot of these people but i didn't really know they're those kind of kind of

[28:02] characters actors you're like oh i saw that face but i don't really know what their name is yeah

[28:06] He was in a lot of stuff, but that's the thing I've known best from, certainly.

[28:09] Yeah, I was going to say, that's definitely the big one people, especially of our age, would know him from.

[28:14] But he also was in Help, the Beatles' film.

[28:17] Yeah.

[28:18] Now, would you call that the Beatles' best film?

[28:21] No, I would not, but it's pretty good.

[28:24] It is overshadowed by the fact that A Hard Day's Night is a masterpiece, but Help has a lot of funny stuff in it.

[28:31] Help is fairly racist, as I learned when I was re-watching it with Sammy recently.

[28:35] I was like, oh, there's a lot of English people playing Indian assassins in this.

[28:40] That's true.

[28:41] Although it does have Leo McCurne, TV's Rumpel in it, which is one of his series.

[28:47] I know him best as number two from The Prisoner, or one of many number twos.

[28:52] But anyway, so Voltan really terrorizes Rukasalt's dad, and they kill some people.

[28:57] And Voltan, it's unclear what his power is.

[29:00] At first, he seems to be kind of like the Dark Lord who rules over this land.

[29:04] But other times he has to keep introducing himself to strangers and threatening them to, like, get them to respect him.

[29:09] So there are two people eating, and Drogo is like, stop eating and stand when Voltan is here.

[29:14] And they're like, who? I'm eating right now.

[29:16] I hate it when that happens.

[29:19] They mention that they're slavers, and it'll come in later.

[29:21] So that's good foreshadowing.

[29:23] We have a flashback to Hawk's wedding day.

[29:26] This looks like a douche commercial.

[29:28] Like, full-on douche commercial.

[29:30] It's white.

[29:31] There's, like, this very badly makeup.

[29:34] The woman has the worst makeup I've ever seen in my life.

[29:36] It's like a child got, like, an eyeshadow palette

[29:41] and just smeared it on her face.

[29:43] It's really bad.

[29:44] I feel bad for this actress.

[29:45] That actress is Catriona McCall,

[29:48] who was in a bunch of, like, Lucio Fulci movies.

[29:50] She was in a lot of Italian horror movies.

[29:52] Oh, cool.

[29:53] But she doesn't get much to do here

[29:56] other than to profess her undying love to Hawk,

[30:00] although apparently she used to be Voltan's girlfriend.

[30:02] I love it so much.

[30:04] She's like, oh, we're just friends, dude.

[30:07] Yeah, she totally friend zones Voltan in this scene.

[30:11] And it's like, I just married your brother.

[30:13] He's complaining that while he was at war,

[30:16] his younger brother was, you know,

[30:18] like using his silver tongue.

[30:20] But I'm like, I don't know, dude,

[30:21] you're really old and look like a skeleton.

[30:24] I wanted Hawk to be like, wait,

[30:26] you mean your daughter, right?

[30:27] Like I'm marrying your daughter.

[30:29] But, I mean, so Voltan is like, hey, Lady Eliane was supposed to be mine.

[30:36] And it's weird to bring that up on the wedding day.

[30:38] You'd think you'd bring it up before the actual day of the wedding.

[30:40] Voltan runs off after saying she should be his.

[30:44] And she gives Hawk a little charm for protection, which is kind of like, what, Celtic cross almost?

[30:50] Mm-hmm.

[30:51] But it does come into play later.

[30:53] It is, like, somebody did some work on the screenplay, because it's like, oh, that plays in later, much later.

[30:58] Oh, yeah.

[30:58] But it does.

[30:59] everything they plant has a payoff mostly uh they travel through uh anyway uh hawk and and uh

[31:07] and ran off they go he's like we're gonna have to travel through the haunted forest of weir

[31:11] to get my compatriots for our for our fighting party uh and it's fine it's just like it's like

[31:16] they're they're riding on horseback through like a haunted house forest because like little

[31:20] there's a little toad that looks like baby yoda did a lot of meth and it just keeps popping up

[31:25] as a puppet.

[31:26] Yeah.

[31:26] Like they cut to this

[31:27] little baby Yoda meth kid

[31:29] and then they're out of it.

[31:31] It takes like five seconds

[31:33] for them to go

[31:33] through this haunted house woods

[31:35] which I love more than anything.

[31:37] It really,

[31:37] the build up

[31:38] for the haunted house woods

[31:39] I think takes

[31:40] almost as much time

[31:42] as the actual haunted house woods.

[31:43] Yep.

[31:43] And they never get off

[31:44] their horses

[31:44] and it's almost,

[31:46] he's like,

[31:46] I hope you're not afraid

[31:47] of being looked at

[31:48] by a gross puppet

[31:49] because that's what

[31:50] we're about to experience.

[31:51] There's only one puppet

[31:53] but we're going to show it

[31:54] a lot of times in different parts of the woods.

[31:57] And when they're unthrown out of the forest,

[32:00] they're back to the witch.

[32:01] Kind of, I don't know why they had to take

[32:03] so much time to get to her.

[32:04] And she takes them to her magic cave

[32:07] where she's going to transport Hawk

[32:10] to get each of the members of his fighting party,

[32:12] his old buddies.

[32:13] Now, which of you guys wants to describe

[32:15] her method of teleportation?

[32:17] What it looks like and how it works?

[32:18] Is that the two spinning hula hoops?

[32:21] Yes.

[32:22] Magic hula hoop magic.

[32:24] Yeah, they're spinning sort of like...

[32:27] Imagine one hula hoop when it stops spinning on the ground

[32:30] and is kind of like going around on its edges,

[32:34] sort of gyroscope style.

[32:36] Now put two of them together on top of each other.

[32:38] And make it like neon colors,

[32:40] because that's completely appropriate for medieval...

[32:43] I think neon is the color palette of magic in this movie,

[32:46] as you'll see in the big climax.

[32:49] Magic looks a lot like stormtrooper lasers in this movie.

[32:54] or alternate looks like someone is throwing glowing bouncy balls through a

[32:58] door from off camera.

[32:59] It's the,

[33:02] the hula hoop magic.

[33:03] The hula hoop magic looks like,

[33:05] like a,

[33:05] an exam,

[33:06] like if at a science museum for kids where they're like inertia can keep

[33:09] this hula hoop standing up as,

[33:11] as long as it's moving.

[33:11] That's what it reminded me of.

[33:13] Okay.

[33:13] So she sends him individually to get each of the three members of the

[33:17] party.

[33:17] There is a Gort,

[33:18] a giant,

[33:19] who's pretty tall,

[33:21] I guess.

[33:22] He's not like giant,

[33:24] giant.

[33:24] And he's played by the guy who played the Cyclops in Krull.

[33:28] Is it the same guy?

[33:30] Oh, wow.

[33:31] That guy's been in some awesome stuff.

[33:33] Yeah.

[33:33] And so he is and we meet him as he is fixing a merchant's wagon and then the merchant won't pay him.

[33:42] So he breaks the merchant's wagon wheel again and he carries a big hammer that I think is supposed to look heavy.

[33:48] But it's, you know, it's very clearly made out of a very light balsa-y material.

[33:53] and hawk shows up and is like hey come with me we got an adventure and they and he wait but he

[33:58] kills a bunch of people too the giant right yeah there's a lot of just murder and it's like let's

[34:02] go be good guys like just sequence after sequence just civilians and brigands who are mildly maybe

[34:09] chaotic neutral but they're dead they die yeah there's a feeling of like after after a couple

[34:14] situations you're like i think you're looking for fights guys like i think you're trying to make

[34:20] this happen yeah this they're not they're certainly not de-escalating that's for sure

[34:24] nope uh there's a there's a point where voltan is kind of the lesser of two evils where you're

[34:29] like okay i guess hawk is mildly better but uh then he goes to my favorite member of the group

[34:34] that's right it's crow which wikipedia describes as a reticent elf so reticent uh he wears kind

[34:41] of like a stitched together leather red hoodie and it looks like pepperoni or maybe the inside

[34:47] of a skid human i can't tell it's the most repulsive texture on his on his armor and i just

[34:54] love it i love it and he is my favorite character ever he is so they're clearly going for like last

[35:00] of his kind uh brooding figure but mainly what he does he sits there and he examines arrow points

[35:06] he's just had made for a long time he's challenged for an archery contest which duh he wins but he's

[35:11] just he's a super fast bowman hanging out at the forest blacksmith uh just he's like the kid who

[35:17] hangs up at the skate shop just looking at the new boards is that is that more of a blacksmith

[35:22] or a guy who makes bows that's right he's probably a fletcher a bowyer a boat no a fletcher makes

[35:27] arrows but he's making arrows he's giving he's making arrowheads but somebody who makes bows

[35:32] is what a bow a bow a chadwick boseman and this this raises a good point which is did jessica

[35:39] fletcher make arrows very good question and yes that's what she murdered people with okay right

[35:45] about it yeah all right now that's i i knew i worked with someone once they had two children

[35:49] named uh piper and cooper and they were having a third child and i so wanted them to name them

[35:53] fletcher's they're all their children will be named after medieval trade craft but they did

[35:58] not disappoint wheelwright that famous surname wheelwright uh he wins this archery contest uh

[36:08] nobody i think is oh no one person is killed uh and yeah hawk comes by and they're trying to

[36:14] hustle this elf and it's like dude don't try to hustle an elf wearing a pepperoni hoodie for in

[36:19] an archery contest like that goes without saying yeah the minute he pulls back his hood and you

[36:25] see his elf ears you should be like oh i'm sorry sir i don't i don't want to trouble you just like

[36:29] vizzini said that's one of the classic blunders and the final member of the group is baldin a

[36:36] jokey dwarf who we see who he's about to be sacrificed in a viking funeral pyre uh by

[36:42] By Hare Krishnas, right?

[36:43] Yeah, by this kind of Hare Krishna cult.

[36:45] And he gets saved.

[36:47] His special ability is he has a whip, which he does not use to save himself.

[36:51] Hawk saves him.

[36:52] Instead, he whips a fish out of the river and then eats it whole.

[36:55] Just sticks it in his mouth.

[36:56] Eats it whole.

[36:56] He eats all.

[36:57] I mean, it's really the sexiest thing I've ever seen an actor do.

[37:00] This dwarf actor whip the water, take a whole cod or whatever, trout, and just like a dolphin, eat it.

[37:10] I was just like, wow, there's no point in which in this movie I can calm down

[37:14] because I'm always surprised by something that happens.

[37:16] Oh, yeah.

[37:16] You have to be like, so does he have his teeth in his throat?

[37:19] Like, what's going on?

[37:20] Or is it like when Heathcliff would take a whole fish and put it in his mouth

[37:23] and then pull the bones out?

[37:24] He was like, in his audition, they're like,

[37:26] I see that you didn't list stage combat.

[37:29] Do you have any other skills that might be useful for this role?

[37:32] And he's like, funny you should ask.

[37:34] You may see that I brought a cooler with me today.

[37:40] um the five heroes they've been assembled they're all uh that patricia quinn got them all together

[37:47] and she's like well they only paid me for so much time in this movie i'll be back later time for you

[37:52] to go to the convent they go to the convent to find out what the mission is they've got to save

[37:56] the head abbess uh there's another flashback in which elion dies saving hawk from voltan

[38:03] voltan throws what a dagger at him and she gets in the way of it um and i think he shoots her

[38:08] the crossbow actually oh right i forgot it's all crossbows all the time uh it's just full crossbows

[38:13] uh we get a scene where a very prolonged scene where the giant is going to eat a whole chicken

[38:19] and then it's the longest dialogue in the whole scene in the whole movie movie i was like is this

[38:25] still going on where the dwarf is tricking the the giant to give him his chicken which is clearly

[38:31] like a cornish hen yeah and but it just does not end it's like this is the fun the director thought

[38:36] this is the funniest scene we've ever done we're gonna let them just riff well just people are

[38:41] going to be talking for years about the dwarf tricking the giant out of his chicken the chicken

[38:46] trick scene the famous hawk the slayer chicken trick scene and it goes on for a long time but

[38:51] luckily the dwarf manages to pull it off and he does eat that chicken and he eats it with just as

[38:56] much grace and elegance as he ate that fish earlier um just shoving it into his face and

[39:03] hoping some of the meat gets to his mouth um they're like okay they voltan asked for a ransom

[39:09] where are we going to get the money for this ransom and that there's a nun there who does

[39:13] not like hawk and his pals he knows she knows that they're trouble maybe word got to her about

[39:17] how many people they murdered on the way to the convent but they're like we got to get some money

[39:21] and you know what maybe we'll cause some trouble at the same time so they go to the river where

[39:26] the slavers are and uh kill all these people and free their slaves which is a bunch of guys

[39:31] in like very surprisingly skimpy loincloths um and for no reason at all they set up the giant

[39:38] sets up like a torture trap for one of the guys i was like who is the bad guy here they murder 30

[39:43] people here they let the slavers go and then they put like a flail over this bad guy's face and then

[39:49] his head gets crushed in and then they do like a quip and i'm like are these do i like these people

[39:54] not really no no they're tough guys but it was a tough time again this is a tough time when voltan

[39:59] was ruling the airwaves

[40:01] and everybody was doing the hawk.

[40:04] I do like that the lead slaver guy

[40:07] who were introduced to

[40:09] like spilling food out of his mouth.

[40:11] I like that even at the end,

[40:14] even when he's face to face with a giant,

[40:16] he's like, I think I could still win.

[40:18] Yeah, he has a lot of pluck, that slaver.

[40:21] So I took, only I'm now looking up

[40:24] because I forgot to look this up earlier.

[40:25] So the man who plays Hawken Voltan's father,

[40:27] the actor Ferdie Mayne,

[40:29] He was three years older than Jack Palance.

[40:31] So I was wrong earlier when I said Jack Palance looked older.

[40:33] He's not the oldest person in the movie.

[40:34] No, no.

[40:35] When he was three, he had a child, and that child was Jack Palance.

[40:38] And he was in – a surprising number of actors in this movie were in Barry Lyndon.

[40:41] I guess because there's a lot of English actors in Barry Lyndon.

[40:44] Have we reached the point also – I'm sorry – where the actor who played Hercule in A Shot in the Dark is in the movie?

[40:55] I don't remember.

[40:56] As an older man.

[40:58] Yeah, apparently this actor, I looked him up after the fact,

[41:02] like the guy who played Hercule was actually in more Pink Panther movies

[41:06] than Peter Sellers because he was in one of the posthumous Pink Panther films.

[41:09] He was a friend of Peter Sellers from the old days,

[41:12] and he was in makeup for a lot of the other,

[41:15] like he's the innkeeper who's like the does your dog bite scene.

[41:19] Oh, okay.

[41:21] So he's also in this movie.

[41:24] I can't remember as whom, though.

[41:26] And I think a few of these actors were in episodes of Doctor Who.

[41:30] Oh, yeah.

[41:31] You're talking about Graham Stark.

[41:34] Yes.

[41:35] Who played Hercule.

[41:36] So he's, yeah, he plays a character named Sparrow, who I don't remember who that is in the movie.

[41:41] But, yeah, he's, that's right.

[41:46] You know what?

[41:46] I didn't recognize him.

[41:47] And I should have because I love those movies.

[41:51] All right.

[41:51] Okay.

[41:52] But that's besides the point.

[41:52] I can't feel too bad about it because they've got their money.

[41:55] They, they are, they killed a bunch of people, but Voltan's son Drogo, his blood is up.

[42:00] He's like, I want to go on more raids.

[42:02] I want to go leave.

[42:03] I should be doing stuff instead of just hanging out in this tent with you, my dad, Voltan,

[42:07] and this nun you're keeping in a cage in the corner of your tent.

[42:10] Very strange.

[42:11] Like it's like a big dog carrier cage.

[42:13] Uh, and Voltan threatens him.

[42:15] And I can't remember exactly why he threatened him.

[42:17] He's just irritated that his, that his son was just talking back to him.

[42:21] I just was, I was distracted because it looked like anthropology.

[42:24] he really decorated the interior of that tent with anthropology even the cage looks like

[42:27] anthropology chic so i kind of like that scene very flowy a lot of a lot of flowy kind of like

[42:32] bold patterns yes yeah uh he and the nun is like you know i can cure your face at this point

[42:39] i was like oh his face was the problem because he's covered he's got this helmet that covers

[42:43] most of his face and it but the first time you see that wizard shooting lasers at him

[42:47] it's not really that clear what he's doing he's helping him in some way but uh he goes it's

[42:52] impossible i've tried it can only i can only have the pain taken away and that only temporarily

[42:57] and then voltan's son is like what hawk stopped all those slavers hold on i've got a plan cut to

[43:05] voltan just getting lasers shot into his face by that wizard's fingers like it's and every time

[43:10] voltan is like ah like it clearly hurts him to have the treatment so i don't know maybe he should

[43:16] have had the nun try it i do i do the same thing every time i go to the gym you know

[43:20] yeah screaming uh just screaming uh hawk and his dudes plan what they're gonna do

[43:25] uh they are not going to pay the ransom that's for sure because they're like if we pay the ransom

[43:30] then voltan's just gonna kill the nun anyway so we might as well just not do it and make voltan

[43:35] come here and the nuns are like can you please save our abbess which i think was the quest

[43:39] that you were given and hawk and why did you kill all those slavers to get all the money when you're

[43:43] not gonna be gonna do anything with the money yeah yeah and it's it's that's a very good point

[43:47] And Hawk, at this point, it's clear that his larger mission is to stop Voltan.

[43:50] He doesn't really care who he hurts in the process.

[43:52] And the only thing I remember is that every time you go to the inn,

[43:55] it looks like it's some kind of open trough of food.

[43:59] There was a huge thing of small chickens and celery.

[44:02] It doesn't feel like a place of worship.

[44:06] It just feels like kind of a bad restaurant.

[44:09] Because there's just tables there the whole time.

[44:11] Yeah, like a dining hall.

[44:13] I don't know where the nuns, like, say prayers unless it's during meals.

[44:17] Since, yeah, it just seems to be a place that nuns serve, barely serve food.

[44:21] Yeah.

[44:21] If you were nuns who were trying to keep the place you say prayers, I don't know, separate from where the murderers are, I would probably just keep them corralled near the food trough.

[44:33] That's a good point.

[44:34] They're not going to ask a lot of questions.

[44:36] Speaking of food, the dwarf tricks the giant with food talk again.

[44:40] And I can't remember if this is where he tricks him out of food or he tricks him into not eating his mixed nuts in a bag that he keeps.

[44:47] Maybe that's later.

[44:48] This is the running gag throughout is that Baldin is constantly tricking Gort out of his food.

[44:56] The bad guys, they finally attack the convent.

[44:58] Drogo goes to get the ransom, and he steals it.

[45:01] The good guys end up killing most of the bad guys, but the nuns are real unhappy.

[45:06] They're like, that was not helpful.

[45:07] Why are you doing this?

[45:09] She is not happy with what's going on.

[45:11] Drogo goes back to Voltan and dies in Voltan's arms.

[45:15] And Voltan is so sad that he orders his henchmen to fight him so that he can kill them as kind of like a sacrifice to Drogo's honor.

[45:23] It's very strange.

[45:24] It doesn't make any sense.

[45:26] And his henchmen are looking at each other like, was this part of the job when I started?

[45:31] Hold on a second.

[45:31] Do we have to do this?

[45:33] It's toxic masculinity, guys.

[45:34] It really is.

[45:37] Well, nobody stopped Voltan when they could

[45:40] when he first started this behavior,

[45:41] and now he thinks he can get away with anything.

[45:43] It's just not fair.

[45:45] And he talks later about how no women would be with me,

[45:48] and it's like, dude, maybe that's your fault.

[45:50] Maybe that's not on anyone but you.

[45:52] Maybe it's not your weird pussy eye.

[45:54] It's your behavior.

[45:56] It's the Middle Ages.

[45:57] Have you seen the other people in this movie?

[45:59] It is not a fleet of dream boats.

[46:02] If you had worked on your personality,

[46:04] I think you could have made it work with somebody.

[46:07] Voltan goes – he rides up to the convent and announces to the nuns, I'll be back tomorrow, and when I come back tomorrow with my men, you better give me Hawk and the gold or else, which begs the question, why didn't he just do it then?

[46:19] Why did he give them a data-like plan, and why did he show up by himself?

[46:23] Maybe he was just – he just wasn't thinking rationally.

[46:25] He's so sad that his son got killed.

[46:28] the heroes decide they're going to go on the offensive somewhat because uh the witch patricia

[46:34] quinn she sends them she teleports them to voltans like henchmen camp and they just with magic smoke

[46:40] to cloud the moves and they just slaughter people it's and this is when you get the most

[46:44] repeating crossbow bolt moments and the most repeating crow arrow bolt moments where they're

[46:49] literally just showing you the same shot cut together real fast both crossbows and crow this

[46:54] bone arrow and it's amazing yeah it's great but it's there's so much smoke and the only thing you

[46:58] could see is the end of hawk's sword which makes him the best target to kill because you can see

[47:02] that glowing green sword but then it's okay because the two guys who have the arrows and

[47:08] the crossbows will just mow down everybody anyway so who cares and they never need to load either

[47:12] of these like you never see crow cocking an arrow or not knocking back an arrow and you never see

[47:17] so fast and you never see the other guy cocking his crossbow it's just unlimited shots it's it's

[47:21] amazing it's like uh like uh the what is it the roach in uh the punisher roach in the service

[47:28] comics he's got like twin twin crossbow bolt guns i did not get that far into service i have to admit

[47:35] so i'm gonna well i don't think it's now is the time to pick it up no no i think i mean i've been

[47:41] hearing so many great things about it uh you can stop after what is it high society church estate

[47:47] whatever one's later so there's that mist they go oh the smoke is clearing we've got to leave but

[47:54] it's like you guys are doing great like you're destroying everybody i don't why don't you just

[47:57] finish the job now you're at bolton's camp i don't anyway they're like no we gotta go we gotta go

[48:03] back and save our game yeah uh hawk and company they go back to uh the convent yeah maybe maybe

[48:11] they burn through all their like single use abilities for the day and they need to recharge

[48:16] We need to redo our spells.

[48:17] You're saying they're taking a short rest.

[48:20] Oh, look at Dan.

[48:23] Look at this guy.

[48:24] You forced me.

[48:25] You forced me, Stuart.

[48:26] And here's, like, this movie,

[48:30] I'll just, before we finish the film,

[48:32] like, it does feel to me like

[48:34] you made a Dungeons & Dragons movie

[48:36] in so many ways.

[48:37] There's so much traveling.

[48:38] There's so much, like, assembling

[48:40] and people, like, figuring out

[48:42] what their abilities are.

[48:43] There's a lot of, like, yeah,

[48:44] resting, like, attacking,

[48:46] and then being like, well, the rules say we've got to stop now, so let's go.

[48:50] I mean, this is totally a filmed LARP.

[48:52] This is 100%.

[48:55] For better and worse.

[48:57] Now, tell me why for better, and tell me why for worse.

[49:00] But say it like the comic strip for better or worse.

[49:03] Oh, God.

[49:04] Something about Barkley?

[49:07] Is he a dog?

[49:09] Probably with a name like Barkley, unless it's Charles Barkley.

[49:13] Or am I thinking about the dog from Sesame Street?

[49:16] Or were they both Barkley?

[49:17] Anyway, have I distracted you enough?

[49:19] They might both be Barkley.

[49:19] Yeah, possibly.

[49:21] I still want an answer, but I guess I don't need it anymore.

[49:23] But you're right.

[49:24] I hadn't even thought about that.

[49:25] It is like, it is a LARP movie.

[49:27] What was the, why am I forgetting it?

[49:30] The name of that documentary about the LARPing group, like Dalkon or something like that.

[49:33] It's like you're watching their game.

[49:35] Anyway, the nun who does not approve of Hawk and his fellows refusing to free the Abbas

[49:42] and instead just murdering people left and right.

[49:44] She goes to Voltan and helps him get the drop on Hawk.

[49:47] Uh-oh.

[49:48] Voltan sneaks in with all his men.

[49:51] Well, first she poisons the giant and everyone else with a sleeping draught.

[49:54] Go sleepy.

[49:55] They all go real sleepy.

[49:57] And when they woke up, when they wake up, not woke up.

[49:59] I mean, woke up because it was in the past tense.

[50:01] It happened already.

[50:01] Let's say wake up.

[50:02] Voltan's got his sword at their necks and they got the drop on him.

[50:06] And Voltan, I think, then kills that nun or does he just punch her?

[50:10] Yeah, he kills her.

[50:10] He just stabs her.

[50:11] He kills her later, I think, right?

[50:13] No, I thought he killed her, like, right in front of there.

[50:15] Like, oh, you won't be able to see it.

[50:16] And then he, like, kills her.

[50:18] And everyone's like, no, oh, you didn't.

[50:20] Like, even his henchmen are like, whoa, over the line, boss.

[50:23] Yeah, they're like, before when you challenged our friends to a fight to the death, we thought you were a little weird.

[50:29] But there's a couple nuns who look alike.

[50:33] And so I thought he killed her, and then later on another nun showed up.

[50:36] And I was like, wait, but is that the same?

[50:38] But I think he does.

[50:43] Voltan taunts them for a while

[50:44] and then the dwarf taunts him back

[50:46] and he stabs the dwarf who's tied up.

[50:48] Even the nun wasn't tied up.

[50:50] She could have conceivably batted the knife out of his hands.

[50:52] And Voltan's like, oh, this has made me so mad.

[50:55] I need some more magic face treatment.

[50:57] Goes to get some lasers in the face.

[50:59] And the witch uses her magic.

[51:02] This is my favorite movie, favorite thing in the movie.

[51:05] There's three or four favorite things in the movie.

[51:07] The hula hoops, the fish eating.

[51:08] But when the witch goes into the convent

[51:11] and attacks a guy with silly string and he is incapacitated and wrapped up with silly string

[51:17] like literal silly string i think i've laughed harder than any comedy i've ever watched she

[51:22] holds up her staff and just shoots silly string out of it and it's it's another one of those

[51:26] moments where you're like now is when you're doing that like like why not yeah she like sticks the

[51:31] little she sticks her little wand which kind of looks like a little blow gun through the crack

[51:35] in the door and the guard like there's a couple shots of the guard like eyeballing it and being

[51:40] like the fuck and like approaching it slowly and you're like dude i know it's gonna happen

[51:46] but i didn't know it was so much crazier yeah it is a lot of silly string it's not the regular

[51:53] amount no no it's like a like literally a cocoon of silly string it would incapacitate me the silly

[52:00] string oh wow wow yeah and you're you're the heartiest of all of us when it comes to silly

[52:05] Yeah, you really have the best saving throw on that one.

[52:09] Now, Dan, what's interesting is that in this scenario,

[52:11] you are projecting yourself as one of Voltan's guards,

[52:14] which it's interesting that you see yourself in that position,

[52:18] whereas I would be more like one of Hawk's men,

[52:20] who are not great, but, you know.

[52:22] Identifying myself so much as just expressing that, you know,

[52:26] like this guard, who probably got fired for all this.

[52:31] Oh, he's dead, Dan. He's dead.

[52:33] Oh, what?

[52:33] He got fired from life.

[52:35] What?

[52:35] He's dead.

[52:37] He's dead.

[52:37] He was suffocated by that silly string.

[52:39] Yeah.

[52:40] Oh, I got to text some people.

[52:41] Oh, wow.

[52:43] Because when I was watching it, I was like, yeah.

[52:46] It feels performative.

[52:47] You didn't even know him that well.

[52:49] Yeah.

[52:49] When I was watching that scene, I was like, yeah, I'd be the kind of witch that shoots silly string out of a staff at people.

[52:56] I think that's what I'd do, and I'd have neon hula hoops.

[53:00] The dwarf Baldin unfortunately dies.

[53:03] Even her magic is not enough to save him.

[53:05] But as he says, he dies the way he wished, surrounded by his friends.

[53:09] And they make a little grave for him.

[53:11] A little grave because he's short.

[53:13] The witch then, it's another moment where she's like, okay, I'm going to help you.

[53:18] I'm going to, it's something about I'm going to blind them with a hail of magic or something like that, of lightning.

[53:24] But what actually comes out is kind of a whirlpool of fake snow and glowing bouncy balls that are just bursting through the door of the convent.

[53:31] She's the best thing in the movie.

[53:32] Yeah, it's incredible.

[53:33] I mean, and she is, like, she's, I'm a big fan of her performance in this.

[53:38] Like, she has just the right amount of, like, mysteriousness.

[53:40] She's the only one.

[53:41] She's the only one that has any dignity whatsoever in the movie.

[53:44] Mm-hmm.

[53:44] And she has the best shots.

[53:46] There'll be scenes where, like, she's in the extreme foreground in profile.

[53:49] Yeah.

[53:49] And she's talking to people who are in the background, face the camera.

[53:51] It's very Ingmar Bergman-y.

[53:52] It's almost like she was like, you're going to have to do better when I'm on screen.

[53:57] Like, come on.

[53:58] The bad guys are all blinded, I guess, by this hail of what you could buy.

[54:03] I mean, now I'm realizing a lot of her magic is just stuff you could buy in the gift shop of, like, a science center.

[54:08] Or Spencer's.

[54:10] Yeah, or Spencer's, yeah.

[54:11] It's just, like, glowing balls, glowing hula hoops, silly string.

[54:13] Well, Elliot, to the uninitiated, that sort of thing might seem like magic.

[54:19] Okay.

[54:20] Thank you, Arthur C. Clarke.

[54:22] You're paraphrasing Arthur C. Clarke's famous dictum that to a lower civilization, novelty gifts would appear to be magic.

[54:31] She's just throwing, like, aprons with naked ladies painted on them at them.

[54:36] I'm trying to think of what other stuff you could buy at Spencer's Kids.

[54:40] Tricking people into thinking that that cart actually has a pair of testicles hanging behind it.

[54:47] So they're all fighting.

[54:54] Voltan takes the giant and the nuns, of which there are now three.

[54:59] I guess that's all there ever were.

[55:01] prisoner and is like hawk give yourself up or i'll kill them and he's got some elaborate trap

[55:06] and hawk is like okay that's all i'm gonna do he goes put your sword down now take off your

[55:10] vestments i don't know why he has to remove his vestments but he does and he's like well if you'd

[55:16] like to pray now's the time before i kill you and he kneels down and he holds that cross pendant

[55:21] that ilian gave him when she was when she like on their wedding day and what is revealed inside of

[55:27] it a little tiny dagger yep it's like a little switchblade cross which begs the question why

[55:32] did his fiancee have that uh just for cocaine oh okay just just for cutting up lines uh now he

[55:41] now this is where i have to admit i was doing the dishes and i took my eye away so how did he use

[55:45] that dagger cross to to save the day he threw it right and then he got his sword yeah then he pulled

[55:51] his sword across the room and he's like you have the power of the mind and then i i wasn't paying

[55:55] attention i think he i think he threw it and it cut the bonds on gort the giant who started bashing

[56:01] dudes then he called uh he called the sword and then it's like you have the power of the mind and

[56:07] voltan was that's mine and then they start doing something and then blah blah blah it's amazing

[56:11] that at that moment is when voltan realizes that that hawk has the mind stone sword which he's been

[56:16] using all movie he's been and he hasn't he's on the back like why is this a revelation also you

[56:22] he left it in the first scene he's it was right there yeah he could have taken it it's also you'd

[56:26] have to assume it's part of the legend of hawk at one point someone's like huh word will get around

[56:31] that someone is looking for hawk when they tell ran off that so that and it's like well that kind

[56:36] of word travels then you'd think the fact the guy has a glowing sword with a hand on the end of it

[56:40] would also get around but i guess it's kind of like the old teen wolf problem of how do these

[56:46] other high schools how have they not heard ahead of time that this one high school has a werewolf

[56:49] on its team because you'd think that kind of thing would travel you'd think at least yeah the coaches

[56:54] would tell each other watch out for this team it's got a werewolf on it yeah you would think

[56:58] some desperate coach would show up to a game with a pistol with a silver bullet in it yeah or or

[57:04] perhaps those teams just have all signed ndas before the game they're like why do we have to

[57:08] sign this don't worry about it and afterwards they're like oh we wish we could tell people

[57:11] that we lost to a werewolf uh can't can't break the nda you don't want the werewolf to sue you

[57:16] i like stewart's version though where the this coach shoots michael j fox and then everyone's

[57:22] horrified he's like what he was a werewolf did you not see it we were all here yeah like a real

[57:29] strung out basketball coach like ben affleck in that new movie yeah and he's like and i also have

[57:35] some things to say about how you're putting on a high school play where the confederates are the

[57:38] heroes because that's a larger issue too boy oh boy teen wolf you've got a lot of explaining to do

[57:43] uh so anyway there's a very slow motion sword fight between voltan and hawk and i couldn't

[57:49] tell if it looked cooler in slow motion or lamer because it's one of those things where clearly

[57:53] you're not going to get a fast motion sword fight from yeah it's lamer that it's in slow motion

[57:58] very much later uh surprise hawk wins uh and we see but we finally see voltan's horribly scarred

[58:06] face as he dies uh was it did it live up to the promise guys it looked like it like a somebody

[58:13] like a butt boil it was like a butt boil on his eye kind of like a tomato smashed in there it was

[58:18] pretty gross but i was just like wow you guys really need to get that looked at like this

[58:23] i mean whatever natural homeopathy you were getting done on this eyeball like you need to

[58:28] really go to the doctor yeah like i know you like i know you like your wizard friend you feel bad

[58:35] but maybe you should go see an actual doctor maybe it's time to stop applying milkwort to it

[58:40] during the full moon and just you know talk to a talk to a dermatologist but i was like oh that

[58:46] was it he could have gotten by with that you know again middle ages you got pete you got elves and

[58:50] stuff running around uh but voltan dies finally he the world is saved from voltan hawk and his

[58:56] pals leave but uh-oh that evil wizard god he floats into the room like an evil orco and is like

[59:05] hey he doesn't look like orco he looks exactly like orco i was trying to remember the name of

[59:10] it literally is orco he floats in and then he's like sequel time bitch yeah he's like we have

[59:15] plans for you dark one we're not done with you even though you failed completely at everything

[59:19] we set you up to do but yeah he's like evil orco he even sounds a little bit like orco and then i

[59:24] think about he does he does i was i totally forgot thank god you you brought that up because i was

[59:28] gonna ask you like what what was that cartoon character what it was thank you oh my pleasure

[59:32] look if if we could just to have you on for that moment i appreciate it i can sleep now i can sleep

[59:37] I didn't sleep for two days.

[59:39] I could sleep.

[59:39] And the giant is like, I hear there's some rich barons up in the north

[59:44] who are paying for guardsmen.

[59:45] Perhaps I'll make a little gold coinage.

[59:48] And Hawk, they're riding together.

[59:50] The crow, the elf, has disappeared at this point.

[59:53] Did he go back?

[59:54] I don't know where he went to.

[59:56] I'm like, where did he go?

[59:57] I love that guy, Pepperoni.

[59:58] Come on.

[59:59] I guess he's got to go get himself a new hoodie because that one is getting

[1:00:03] a little ripe.

[1:00:04] Yeah.

[1:00:05] Just wearing it around in the forest for days on end.

[1:00:07] So Hawk and his giant friend are riding along

[1:00:10] and they see who's this in the forest.

[1:00:11] Patricia Quinn, uh-oh.

[1:00:13] Some wizards are meeting in the south for bad business.

[1:00:17] Hawk is like, perhaps you should go to the south instead, Gort the giant.

[1:00:21] And the giant's like, I guess I won't be making that money after all.

[1:00:25] Ha ha ha.

[1:00:26] And they ride off to the sequel, which was never made,

[1:00:29] but which I assume would have been called Hawk the Surprise Bad Guy,

[1:00:34] where it would turn out that everyone suddenly realized,

[1:00:37] oh, Hawk is really misusing this Mind Stone sword

[1:00:40] by just slaughtering people left and right.

[1:00:41] Now, okay.

[1:00:42] I think they actually tried to kickstart a sequel

[1:00:46] like 10 years ago, maybe, for Hawk the Hunter.

[1:00:50] Wow.

[1:00:51] I just feel like that seems like a downgrade

[1:00:54] from being a Slayer.

[1:00:55] From Slayer?

[1:00:56] So what would be an upgrade from Slayer?

[1:01:00] Well, if we're following Cube rules, Hyper Slayer.

[1:01:04] Okay, that's by Cube rules.

[1:01:07] I mean, I guess, Stuart, in metal terms, what would be one step up from Slayer?

[1:01:12] Again, Slayer, top tier if you like that kind of sound.

[1:01:15] It's not my favorite.

[1:01:16] Big four.

[1:01:16] I mean, Metallica is the next step up from Slayer, arguably.

[1:01:19] I guess so.

[1:01:20] I guess that's true.

[1:01:21] Where it's like, it's slightly more melodic and slightly fewer songs about Nazi war criminals.

[1:01:28] Slightly.

[1:01:30] um what would you but what would you so uh so dad's dance pitch for the sequel is hawk the

[1:01:37] hyper slayer do you guys have pitches lined up for the sequel uh because hawk the face masher

[1:01:43] that's pretty good yeah it's pretty and very specific yeah my real one would be hawk the

[1:01:48] kindergarten cop where he's got to go undercover as a kid gotcha so here's the story uh there's

[1:01:55] a kindergarten and guess who's the principal voltan that's right he's training these kids

[1:02:01] to be evil wizard sacrifices or something looks like someone's got to go undercover because hawk

[1:02:06] can't just walk in there voltan will recognize him they're brothers and so he's got to go in

[1:02:10] as the new teacher h hawk mr harold hawk uh and you know he's teaching the kids his own brand of

[1:02:17] here's how you use a sword here's what a mind stone does one kid talks about how his dad is

[1:02:22] a real sex machine just like in the original movie and then uh i don't know what happens at

[1:02:28] the end of kindergarten cop they've got to climb up an electric tower or something like that

[1:02:31] uh i don't know elliot all i know is we talked about getting felicia out of here early and

[1:02:36] you've introduced a whole new bit at the end of this okay let's just call it kindergarten hawk

[1:02:41] and we'll deal with the details later so dan what do we do after we talk about the summer i'll read

[1:02:45] the treatment okay i'll read the treatment later okay i'll email it to you if i get notes on that

[1:02:49] That'd be great.

[1:02:49] Great, great.

[1:02:51] And we can attach you as a producer, possibly, Star?

[1:02:53] You know what?

[1:02:55] I'll have to read.

[1:02:56] I have to talk to my people.

[1:02:57] Okay.

[1:02:58] My people will get back to you.

[1:02:59] That's fair.

[1:02:59] Maybe.

[1:03:00] It'll be my three-year-old.

[1:03:01] Yeah.

[1:03:02] Okay.

[1:03:04] What we do now, this is the final part of the movie portion of this movie podcast.

[1:03:08] I mean, we talk about movies later, but whatever.

[1:03:10] You know what I'm talking about.

[1:03:11] And that is where we make our final judgments about whether this is a good, bad movie, a

[1:03:16] movie that was funny in its badness, a bad, bad movie.

[1:03:19] A movie that we just didn't like or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:03:22] And that's, you know, self-explanatory.

[1:03:24] I think I'm the dissenting voice, so maybe I shouldn't go first.

[1:03:28] I don't know if I should go last either.

[1:03:29] Just go.

[1:03:30] Go.

[1:03:30] Okay, I will.

[1:03:31] All right.

[1:03:31] Here's what I would say.

[1:03:35] This is not a unique notion to me, I'm sure.

[1:03:41] Although I came to it on my own, so I'm going to take credit for it.

[1:03:44] Gravity?

[1:03:45] Dan, we've known about it for hundreds of years.

[1:03:48] No, I was going to say, like, movies are obviously about the plot of the movie.

[1:03:55] But also, in a way, they are all documentaries in that they are time capsules of when they were made.

[1:04:00] And bad movies, I feel like, are often, or low-budget, let's say, movies, not bad, are doubly so.

[1:04:07] Because they can't afford, like, big costume designers or whatnot.

[1:04:12] Stuff that might, you know, people are, like, bringing stuff from home.

[1:04:16] It feels more of the time.

[1:04:18] And so on that level, I really enjoyed the movie.

[1:04:21] I liked all the silly stuff, like the glowing balls.

[1:04:23] But on the downside for me, I don't want to make it seem like I don't like fantasy.

[1:04:29] I feel like I insulted something very dear to other members of the podcast right now.

[1:04:34] I like it a lot, but it is not like the first genre that appeals to me.

[1:04:43] So usually I feel like there has to be a thing specifically I connect with.

[1:04:47] Whereas this movie feels like it was sort of generated by a random fantasy movie generating machine.

[1:04:54] It feels very basic in the plot.

[1:04:57] And I don't want to be too down on it because I think, although fantasy literature was a thing before this for a while, the sort of high fantasy.

[1:05:06] I mean, only for centuries.

[1:05:09] Well, I mean, like, but this specific, like, Tolkien-esque, like, thing that then sort of took over a lot of fantasy, like, mostly existed in literature, and this was one of the earliest movies, really, of this.

[1:05:21] So I don't want to ding it too much for that, but the story just bored me, guys.

[1:05:26] I just couldn't get into that part of it.

[1:05:28] But what do you guys say?

[1:05:30] I don't know.

[1:05:34] Marginal good, bad, maybe?

[1:05:36] But I mostly was bored.

[1:05:38] Now, Dan, you don't have to feel bad about not liking it just because I'm going to say this is a movie I kind of liked because it is – but it's not very good.

[1:05:50] It's not a good movie, but I think the reasons you didn't like it are the reasons that I particularly liked it, that it feels like the most basic template fantasy movie I can think of.

[1:06:02] Like, it really does feel like they're like, what do we have in a fantasy movie?

[1:06:05] There's a bad guy.

[1:06:05] Okay, there's a magic sword.

[1:06:07] Great, throw it in.

[1:06:08] There's a witch maybe.

[1:06:08] Okay, do it.

[1:06:09] There's a giant and a dwarf and an elf.

[1:06:11] Yes, hold on, throw it in.

[1:06:13] Yes, do we have time to add any extra touches?

[1:06:15] Maybe they joke about a chicken at one point.

[1:06:17] Okay, otherwise, like, there's something so, like, er, low-budget fantasy movie about this

[1:06:22] that I really enjoyed, and I think the things that you found boring, which were, like, the

[1:06:26] endless scenes of him riding through the forest, I could have watched that for I don't know

[1:06:30] how many hours.

[1:06:31] It was just like, this is so perfectly what it is.

[1:06:34] And I was such a fan of the music, such a fan of just the hyper-editing of the crossbow bolts.

[1:06:41] Definitely, it's a little bit of a stretch at 94 minutes.

[1:06:47] This probably should have been like a 62-minute movie, but I really enjoyed it.

[1:06:53] I would say good, bad, and if I'm just listening to the soundtrack, then movie I kind of liked.

[1:06:57] Yeah, I'm going to say it's a movie I kind of liked.

[1:07:01] Jack Palance chews all that scenery, cool haircuts, chickens, magic.

[1:07:09] You know, it's beyond good and evil and land of darkness, etc.

[1:07:14] I would say that I really enjoyed the movie in that all these points are valid.

[1:07:23] There was no plot to be spoken of.

[1:07:26] the lead character was terrible but it it just had so many choices that were wrong i loved it

[1:07:32] like every couple minutes i'd be a little bored and i'd be like wow who made that decision who

[1:07:38] thought that was a good idea and that's what i like about bad movies because i could watch it

[1:07:42] i could watch that lizard again i could watch all the magic again i could watch that pepperoni elf

[1:07:49] anytime every cross-polls it like i genuinely two days later want to watch the movie again

[1:07:54] so i would say some of the best of the bad movie oh yeah this this was the and this was the first

[1:07:59] time in a long time that i've seen a bad movie and i was like i wish we could have done this

[1:08:04] on mystery science theater msc i know i kept doing riffs i was like i should watch it oh no

[1:08:08] there were so many moments where i was like this is the joke i would have done for this part so

[1:08:12] perfect i know you're just like god this would be so fun to riff yeah oh well but what are you

[1:08:16] gonna do so yeah you're welcome guys yeah thank you yes thank you yeah thank you stewart uh and

[1:08:22] And thank you to our special guest, Felicia Day.

[1:08:26] Thank you.

[1:08:26] Thanks so much.

[1:08:27] Thanks for having me.

[1:08:28] Our pleasure.

[1:08:29] And, you know, that sounds like it's an open invitation for us to have you back whenever we want.

[1:08:34] Yes.

[1:08:34] So, okay, yeah.

[1:08:35] As long as you have a bad fantasy movie, especially with Silly String, sign me up.

[1:08:40] Okay, that's a very specific genre, but we'll see what we can do.

[1:08:43] Yeah.

[1:08:43] Hi, I'm James, host of Minority Corner, which is a

[1:08:50] A podcast that's all about intersectionality.

[1:08:53] It's hosted by James with a guest host every week.

[1:08:55] Discussing all sorts of wonderful issues, nerdy and political.

[1:08:59] Pop culture.

[1:09:00] Black, queer, feminism.

[1:09:02] Race, sexuality.

[1:09:03] News.

[1:09:04] You're going to learn your history, their self-empowerment.

[1:09:07] And it's told by what feels like your best friend.

[1:09:09] Why should someone listen to Minority Corner?

[1:09:11] Why not?

[1:09:12] Oh my God, free stuff.

[1:09:13] There's not free stuff.

[1:09:14] The listeners of Minority Corner will enjoy some necessary LOLs,

[1:09:18] but mainly a look at what's happening in our world through a colorful lens.

[1:09:21] People will get the perspective of marginalized communities.

[1:09:25] I feel heard. I feel seen.

[1:09:27] Like you said, you need to understand how to be more proactive in your community,

[1:09:30] and this is a great way to get started.

[1:09:31] Join us every Friday on MaxFun or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:09:34] Minority Corner.

[1:09:35] Because together, we're the majority.

[1:09:37] You wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story.

[1:09:45] Dude, he forgives Darth Vader.

[1:09:47] Misa still love you, Annie.

[1:09:49] You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face Off 2.

[1:09:53] Face is wild.

[1:09:54] He takes his kid's face.

[1:09:56] What?

[1:09:57] We're writing an entire screenplay week by week on Storybreak Season 2.

[1:10:02] Heaven Heist.

[1:10:03] Hey, folks.

[1:10:04] Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Storybreak, the writer's room podcast

[1:10:08] where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold.

[1:10:11] We're shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist, one of our favorite ideas we've ever

[1:10:14] come up with on the show, into a full screenplay.

[1:10:16] Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven.

[1:10:20] Think a Coco Meets Point Break.

[1:10:22] Join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast, Story Break, every Thursday on MaximumFun.org.

[1:10:29] Well, next on the podcast.

[1:10:32] Well, you know what?

[1:10:34] Before we get into the Jumbotrons and such, I want to give an update on the thing we did for charity, the live stream for charity.

[1:10:45] I want to give a total amount of the money that was raised.

[1:10:51] I don't have the winners yet.

[1:10:53] I will have them next time.

[1:10:55] But right now, thanks to the—

[1:10:57] Now, you're talking about our Howard the Duck live show, which is still available on the Flophouse YouTube channel.

[1:11:03] Yes.

[1:11:05] And we encourage people to give to charity, either for hunger relief or to help with racial justice or, you know, whatever charity you thought was needed at this difficult time.

[1:11:17] And Flophouse listeners, the total in receipts that were gotten.

[1:11:23] And I want to also thank Audrey, who went through everything manually and totaled this up.

[1:11:27] I mean, she used a spreadsheet, but she didn't.

[1:11:32] what is like just sticks that she was collecting together into bundles she had to do a lot of uh

[1:11:38] data entry uh which was wonderful of her but um but yes the the machine did the adding um she

[1:11:45] wasn't just making marks on your wall uh to count it scratching marks into the cell wall of your

[1:11:51] apartment there are too many marks up there already of like being like oh miserable days with dan um

[1:11:57] yeah so you weren't you weren't kept awake at night by the sound of her abacus beads clicking

[1:12:01] as she tallied up the figures yeah but okay that's enough preamble so raised by flop house listeners

[1:12:08] we have 63 000 503 and 38 cents in total plus on top of that there's the 10 000 that the show

[1:12:20] is donating uh that was evenly between food banks and uh and bail funds and so uh basically

[1:12:28] flop house folks uh donated around seventy three thousand dollars and uh that's insane that is

[1:12:38] insane and i and i use insane in not in a derogatory way about anyone's mental mental

[1:12:43] abilities but that is like that's a huge amount of money did we expect like that uh i thought we

[1:12:51] could uh you know i thought there might be a good total but uh this yeah you everyone out there

[1:12:58] exceeded my expectations and i'm so like proud of everybody uh a little data the average donation

[1:13:04] was around 55 although some donated you know up to like a thousand dollars there were some

[1:13:10] donations in that range uh from all over canada the uk taiwan hong kong new zealand australia

[1:13:17] these are some of the places people donated from and so thank you so much to everybody um thank you

[1:13:24] yeah and we will have the winners uh very soon this the the totals came in literally

[1:13:30] like five minutes before i got on the call with you guys so i haven't we were watching and we

[1:13:36] saw someone hand dan a paper tallying it in the moment yeah i uh i just i just want to say that

[1:13:43] i i don't know how everyone feels but you know the last couple weeks i've felt kind of powerless

[1:13:48] and trying to find ways that i can help uh and uh seeing this kind of outpouring of generosity

[1:13:54] is uh kind of reaffirming that there's a lot of good people out there so thanks yeah i i i second

[1:14:02] that and i second what dan said and it's already been said well so i don't need i don't feel like

[1:14:08] i need to say anything extra except thank you um yeah and with that i think we can uh get on to

[1:14:14] our jumbotrons we have no uh advertisements this week but we have a few uh messages from folks

[1:14:20] uh so we don't have uh we don't have any we don't have a squarespace ad where i can do

[1:14:25] no you can't i can't do pepperonielf.com all right

[1:14:28] save it for i mean you still can i mean it's we provide only you should save it only the finest

[1:14:36] elf cured pepperoni but uh so i have a jumbotron i'd like to i'll do one if that sounds good to

[1:14:42] you guys sounds great okay this message okay great this message is congratulations windsor

[1:14:48] on your graduation from film school and the further message is congratulations windsor on

[1:14:53] your graduation from film school we are so proud of your accomplishment even though the entire

[1:14:57] industry is shut down we are sure you will find your dream job soon by we of course i'm referring

[1:15:01] to me parentheses your mom and my best friend judd apatow floppers please offer a hopeful word

[1:15:06] since his commencement was canceled.

[1:15:08] I'm so sorry to hear that, but congratulations.

[1:15:11] That's great news.

[1:15:12] And the industry is in a short-term shutdown at the moment,

[1:15:16] but it will come back.

[1:15:17] People need entertainment.

[1:15:18] People need storytelling.

[1:15:19] And something that I keep saying in conversation

[1:15:23] with a friend of mine who is a theater director,

[1:15:25] or rather what I keep thinking of that she said,

[1:15:27] she said, I have to remember theater companies

[1:15:30] may be in trouble, but theater will always continue,

[1:15:33] that theater is not in trouble.

[1:15:34] And I feel like film is similar.

[1:15:37] Film companies come and go.

[1:15:39] Films come and go.

[1:15:40] But the need for film will always be there.

[1:15:42] So don't worry.

[1:15:43] You will get your shot.

[1:15:46] So congratulations.

[1:15:47] That's fantastic.

[1:15:47] Yay.

[1:15:48] And I have a Jumbotron to read as well.

[1:15:51] And I believe this one is going to make me stretch my acting chops a little bit and do a voice.

[1:15:57] So let me get this right.

[1:15:59] But you normally do a voice, right?

[1:16:02] Like you are speaking with a voice.

[1:16:03] Yeah.

[1:16:04] I do.

[1:16:05] Actually, you're right, Elliot.

[1:16:06] Thanks for correcting me.

[1:16:07] You know what?

[1:16:10] I'm just going to do that whenever Elliot does it.

[1:16:12] Like, that'll be the standard now.

[1:16:14] That's great.

[1:16:15] Okay, okay, okay.

[1:16:16] I think I'm ready, guys.

[1:16:17] Garden Plots with Skeletor is a podcast about gardening hosted by me, Skeletor.

[1:16:24] Yes, I'm taking time between my attacks on He-Man to help you botanically benighted boobs

[1:16:32] know what it takes to keep a pothos alive.

[1:16:36] Do you want to know gardening success?

[1:16:42] Do you want to be kept up to date on my many brilliant schemes?

[1:16:47] Do you want to be there to witness the crushing defeat of He-Man once and for all?

[1:16:52] Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and become a master of the universe.

[1:16:57] And your garden.

[1:16:59] so subscribe to the podcast garden plots with skeletor

[1:17:03] uh i had a couple i had a couple of mess-ups is that okay is that i don't want to i don't

[1:17:10] want to note note you to death but it sounded a little like your normal voice

[1:17:15] interesting interesting i i'm saying i actually and this is a compliment uh now i'm going to

[1:17:21] pronounce it he man from now on i was saying he man but i prefer he man yeah i will say i mean

[1:17:27] maybe you're going in a different direction with your conception of

[1:17:32] Skeletor,

[1:17:32] like a more realistic sort of less.

[1:17:35] He didn't sound like,

[1:17:35] he didn't sound like Frank Langella is what you're saying.

[1:17:37] Yeah.

[1:17:38] Yeah.

[1:17:39] I was,

[1:17:39] I was trying to really diverge from Frank Langella's performance.

[1:17:42] Okay.

[1:17:43] Yeah.

[1:17:44] You got to make it your own.

[1:17:46] Yeah.

[1:17:46] Okay.

[1:17:48] Well,

[1:17:48] what we do now is we have letters from listeners,

[1:17:52] listeners like you,

[1:17:54] maybe if you send in a letter,

[1:17:56] I can't guarantee it, you know?

[1:17:59] You know, Dan, it seems to me...

[1:18:03] Okay, Stuart, cue the Fife music.

[1:18:05] There is a legend from long ago, a legend of the letters.

[1:18:10] Words on parchment sent along on Ravenclaw or the winds of the West.

[1:18:17] These letters reach the eyes and ears of floppers, hair and floppers here.

[1:18:22] These letters carry the magic of communication all across the land.

[1:18:27] When the shadows hang along the mountains in Gargarol,

[1:18:30] the Conqueror sweeps in with his mighty hordes to burn your village and kill your children.

[1:18:35] Well, there's a letter you can write to the Flophouse.

[1:18:39] Tell us about what happened, and though we can't stop the bad guy,

[1:18:43] we can tell you, hey, that stinks.

[1:18:45] So send us a letter, a missive, or perhaps just throw some words into the scrying

[1:18:51] pool at the edge of the haunted

[1:18:53] glen perhaps we'll

[1:18:56] hear it then

[1:18:57] letters oh I forgot you're a

[1:18:59] villager in the middle ages you can't

[1:19:01] write and we can't read

[1:19:03] thank you Stuart for the accompaniment

[1:19:09] music from Hog the Slayer

[1:19:11] beautiful

[1:19:13] so this

[1:19:15] first letter is from Ari

[1:19:17] last name withheld who writes

[1:19:19] after a year

[1:19:21] trying to convince me to check out a podcast any podcast at all but yours specifically i finally

[1:19:27] came to my partner's whims and listened to 2014's a talking cat on a road trip to nyc i cried with

[1:19:35] laughter and now much like a baby chick imprinted on my three flop house mamas i refuse to follow

[1:19:40] anyone else lately i've been listening in bed at night and the best things happened my anxious

[1:19:45] fever dream mind chills out to your apparently soothing af voices and i fall into the sweetest

[1:19:52] of dreams what i'm trying to say is flop house seems to be a cure for the nightmares i've been

[1:19:56] having the last few years so thanks for that which leads me to what are your favorite dream sequences

[1:20:03] or which do you consider best slash worst in film love ya ari um i you know what uh springs to mind

[1:20:13] is uh there of course is the dream sequence in spellbound the hitchcock movie that was uh designed

[1:20:19] by salvador dali which is uh lovely and uh very dolly-esque and uh and you know i love i love

[1:20:30] dream sequences that are largely like i don't know like people running around with giant cardboard

[1:20:36] eyes in the background stuff like that um i also remember that like people gave inception a lot of

[1:20:42] shit because they're like oh you know like this is not how dreams work it's not that dreamlike

[1:20:45] whatever and i'm like and i thought that was so uh alien to my own experience because i was like

[1:20:51] no i mean when i dream like the everything around me is fairly realistic it's just that geography

[1:20:59] doesn't make sense and time periods merge and like you know like stuff like that happens you

[1:21:05] know like plot lines seem to make sense in the moment but not later on when i'm thinking about

[1:21:10] them but it's not like interesting interesting i have a rebuttal to this in a moment okay go on i

[1:21:15] mean i'm just saying that i don't like dream and sort of like a terry gilliam-esque sort of uh

[1:21:20] fantastic universe or anything like that you don't have an imaginarium that's what you're saying no

[1:21:27] dr parnassus does not show up now here's the now i my favorite dream sequence in movies is

[1:21:33] similar my favorite is in the original manchurian candidate when they're having dreams that have

[1:21:38] been implanted by the brainwashers, the commie brainwashers, but their real memories are leaking

[1:21:44] through. And so they're remembering being stuck at a garden convention with a bunch of ladies

[1:21:50] talking about flowers that are actually communist agents talking about assassination. And what I

[1:21:55] like about that is, like Dan is saying, it is not shot woozy or like gooey. It's very matter of

[1:22:01] fact but the things that are happening are somewhat bizarre that the that the imagery is

[1:22:07] but it's shot in a matter-of-fact way and it's just a strange situation that feels real on the

[1:22:12] other hand here's my issue with the dreams in inception because that's what i was going to say

[1:22:15] is not the worst dream sequences in movies not at all but that my problem with the dreams in

[1:22:21] inception are they are so not personal to killian murphy because we're supposed to be in his head

[1:22:26] right yeah and it's like when i have dreams the people in it are people i've known the situations

[1:22:32] or situations i've been in and it's it's not like it's not like willie wonka phantasmagorical or

[1:22:37] anything but i don't have a dream where it's just an action sequence from a james bond movie on the

[1:22:42] snowy slopes of the alps or like a dream sequence where it's just a nondescript office building or

[1:22:48] a hotel like my dreams are places i've been and people i know in new configurations and like i've

[1:22:53] had so many dreams about working being at the daily show and being like i don't work here

[1:22:56] anymore why do i have to write a script now like then they're like where's the script rehearsals

[1:23:00] in 10 minutes like i would have rather inception had a lot of dreams where he was like disappointing

[1:23:04] his family or like having trouble at work or things like that you know dream stuff but it

[1:23:09] would still be shot the same way yeah yeah what do you think stew so i would say uh you guys are

[1:23:16] both wrong the uh the best the best dream sequences in film uh the number one uh involves

[1:23:24] a hamburger getting up off of a grill and playing everybody wants some now is that a dream

[1:23:29] daydream yeah that's a daydream okay i didn't realize that's how we were splitting airs

[1:23:37] and then uh i don't know runner up is i guess uh the masquerade ball and labyrinth

[1:23:43] now i was going to assume that you would pick something from the nightmare on elm street series

[1:23:48] since there's so many dreams oh you would think that wouldn't you now i feel like i'm stereotyping

[1:23:54] you i apologize well i mean like it's my understanding that he's not such a nightmare

[1:23:58] fan and uh you know what i used to be with him i'm just not into a bad guy whose arms stretch

[1:24:04] out that far it's too scary that's the thing like everyone talks about uh how scary the first one is

[1:24:11] And I'm like, really, have you seen those janky long arms that he has?

[1:24:14] But I do like the fact that he's a villain who wears a sweater and a hat is right off the bat, takes the scariness down a little bit for me.

[1:24:22] I do like the weirdness, though, of the later Nightmare movies where it's really like fantasy horror weirdness and people are turning into exercising cockroaches that get trapped in a roach motel.

[1:24:38] Like, that's pretty great.

[1:24:41] um it's a good series of movies uh okay so moving on to the next letter uh this is from

[1:24:50] seth last name withheld who writes i was pleased to hear that elliot's kid has been watching slash

[1:24:56] listening to newsies i credit the original disney motion picture with radicalizing me as a child

[1:25:02] it taught me that even the seemingly powerless could prevail over injustice if they stood

[1:25:07] united and also that santa fe was allegedly dope that healthy base of newsies mixed with the punk

[1:25:14] music of my teenage years turned me into the godless anarchist i remain to this day so my

[1:25:21] question for all of you is as follows are there any movies that you watched as a child that

[1:25:26] looking back you believe shaped your moral compass or kid-friendly movies that have come out since

[1:25:33] your childhood which the parents among us could use to prime the next generation of floppers

[1:25:38] to be respectable young radicals no gods no masters set last name with health

[1:25:44] uh i was thinking about this and it was hard for me to think of specific movies that shaped

[1:25:51] my morality because i feel like my morality was so shaped by marvel comic books

[1:25:55] and that the tenets that spider-man particularly espoused uh and to a lesser extent captain

[1:26:01] America. But I would say a movie I was going to mention when I just knew the question but didn't

[1:26:08] know the whole context was Newsies. Because ironically, I think Newsies, not ironically,

[1:26:12] strangely, Newsies has been really helpful in explaining to Sammy kind of what's going on with

[1:26:18] the Black Lives Matters movement and those protests to kind of help him understand why a protest

[1:26:24] happens and what mass action looks like and kind of who does it. Newsies is a good primer on that,

[1:26:30] which is which is ironic because disney is such a notoriously and traditionally anti-union company

[1:26:35] like literally the the crisis moment when walt disney was there when that was when the animators

[1:26:40] tried to unionize and he had a had a basically like a panic breakdown and it was never quite

[1:26:46] the same there ever since but uh i would say that a movie that came out that i am looking forward to

[1:26:51] re-showing my son because he was a little too young when i showed up to him the first time

[1:26:55] is the Iron Giant, which I've always found really beautiful, partly because it really

[1:27:02] spreads a healthy disrespect for national intelligence and military leadership and the

[1:27:06] idea of military strength as the go-to for how you should interact with the world, but

[1:27:15] that the whole message of the giant being basically a living weapon who chooses to turn

[1:27:20] off that programming and sacrifice himself and at the end when when he's remembering hogarth saying

[1:27:25] you are who you choose to be and he and he sacrifices himself to save the town like i cry

[1:27:30] every single time and i just think it's a beautiful movie about uh a character who when he resorts to

[1:27:36] violence he knows he knows he's making a mistake and he needs to not do that and that the way he

[1:27:41] can best help people is by uh not being a killing machine but instead being a like a real hero so i

[1:27:50] really like that movie a lot again it's a little too violent i showed it to him when he was younger

[1:27:53] it was a little it is a little too violent for young young kids because there's a ton of

[1:27:57] explosions and stuff especially at the end but anyway that's the movie i would say

[1:28:02] i you know i'm having a hard time with this one too because i mean partly because i have a hard

[1:28:08] time remembering what my favorite movies were when i was genuinely young like i remember that

[1:28:15] once i was sort of in my teens the movies i watched over and over again were heather's aliens

[1:28:22] and uh uh shoot army of darkness which i don't think any of those are necessarily uh what you

[1:28:31] should turn to for moral guidance per se i don't think they're i don't think they're amoral movies

[1:28:37] uh well in some ways i mean somewhat yeah but army of darkness is if you were like what's the

[1:28:46] message of that movie you'd be like i'm not sure yeah that's true um and the thing is like stuff i

[1:28:54] really dug as a kid you know like sherlock holmes and uncle scrooge kind of gave me a lot of the

[1:28:59] wrong lessons about overvaluing um intelligence and money so i'll i'll just uh i'll just uh pivot

[1:29:08] and use this as a um way to uh compliment my family you know my my uh father and mother who

[1:29:19] like um were religious but not in any sort of exclusionary way in in sort of like i feel like

[1:29:25] the purest uh vision of the best parts of christianity where uh all are deserving of love

[1:29:33] and care and uh not to be discriminated against and uh my brother is showing me that sort of love

[1:29:41] and i remember my brother john um saying you know like you're gonna grow up you're gonna fall in

[1:29:47] love with people maybe you're falling in love with a man maybe you're which means that you're

[1:29:52] you're gay and but it doesn't matter you know i will love you no matter what that is fine and uh

[1:29:57] to have that message given to me um when i grew up in the middle of the country let's say where

[1:30:06] such things were not uh a message given out as much as it should have been um particularly when

[1:30:14] i grew up uh was a wonderful gift and so maybe we shouldn't look to hollywood movies for our

[1:30:22] moral lessons because often they have really weird hidden ones that aren't so good now technically

[1:30:28] dan i think you should if you're going to be giving your family a shout out that's a jumbotron

[1:30:33] but i guess we all did it we all did it the hat trick no and i'm that actually like leads uh to

[1:30:42] what I was going to say, I feel like so much of, uh, so much of the movies I watched growing up,

[1:30:47] I've had to like deprogram myself from, uh, you know, growing up in a, you know, a house with,

[1:30:53] uh, you know, just my younger brother. I feel like there, I didn't have a lot of, uh, feminine

[1:30:59] influences in my life. And I had, uh, I've had to learn unlearn a lot of, uh, dumb bullshit in my

[1:31:05] head over, over the years. Well, I think what, what you're saying, what Dan's saying are both

[1:31:11] of a piece in that like you can't you i don't think that the question writer is is saying

[1:31:16] that they're going to do this but you can't outsource teaching morality to your children to

[1:31:20] entertainment or any kind of culture like that's the responsibility of a parent to lead them

[1:31:25] through it and also to be there so that when they're watching things you can parse it with

[1:31:28] them and say like this interpret it yeah this this part you have to understand this way this

[1:31:34] part you have to understand this way and like to uh to be ready to disavow things that you might

[1:31:41] love that are not that don't have that proper message i mean like there are certain things

[1:31:45] that i'm really looking forward to showing my kids but they have to be old enough that i can

[1:31:48] talk to them and say okay this is why this is not how you interact with the world like this is this

[1:31:54] is not something to to draw that's why these nerds should not be getting revenge well we are not

[1:32:00] watching those movies for a variety of reasons i mean they're not in the manner in which they

[1:32:05] go about it um oh uh yeah oh boy ah but even like there's stuff like uh even movies like

[1:32:14] robocop which ostensibly have like an anti-corporate and anti um anti-police message to a certain

[1:32:21] extent they're still underneath it there's still that subtext that violence is the solution to

[1:32:26] problems and like that's not the subtext to so many movies is look at a certain point you have

[1:32:32] to shoot somebody or punch them and it's something that i've mentioned spider-man comics before

[1:32:36] like the principles that peter parker espouses are so important to me but i started reading

[1:32:40] spider-man comics to my kids and i'm like oh a lot of this is just him punching or kicking people in

[1:32:44] the face i think we're going to take a break from these for a long time so so instead we're mostly

[1:32:50] reading uh old fantastic four comics in which there's not that much hitting and there's a

[1:32:55] surprising amount of just meeting people from other meeting new types of people and liking them

[1:33:00] yeah you're not just reading bone over and over or something we have we actually we haven't we

[1:33:07] haven't started reading bone i do want to read that to them um okay unless that one's not okay

[1:33:12] anymore is there new stuff about bone that i should know no it's okay okay let's move on to

[1:33:18] the final segment okay oh to be honest i should say people might find this interesting that uh

[1:33:23] the one comic book thing that my kids want me to read to them over and over again is

[1:33:26] there's an issue of silver surfer that i have in a trade paperback that jim starlin wrote and

[1:33:30] ronald drew where the impossible man sings his parody version of make him laugh from singing

[1:33:35] in the rain and every single morning it'll be like six in the morning gabriel will wake up he's like

[1:33:40] almost one and a half now no he's almost two now he's over one he's almost two now and he'll be

[1:33:44] like silver surfer make him laugh sing it and i'll start i'll start saying he's like in the book and

[1:33:50] so i have to go get the book and like open it up so he can look at it and so that's that's so if

[1:33:55] you're looking at the uh venn diagram of culture that is interesting to my almost two-year-old

[1:33:59] right now it is uh singing in the rain and the impossible man and where that when where that

[1:34:05] overlaps is what he's really into uh now we talk about movies that we would like to recommend

[1:34:12] that, let's say you could watch

[1:34:14] in addition to Hawk the Slayer.

[1:34:16] Yeah, yeah. Let's pretend we all have

[1:34:18] infinite time and we can watch whatever.

[1:34:20] And Infinite Jest.

[1:34:22] Yeah, and Infinite Jest.

[1:34:24] Sitting on our bookshelf,

[1:34:26] maybe we got 90 pages into

[1:34:28] it and thought,

[1:34:30] this isn't going enough of anywhere

[1:34:32] that I care about. I'll just go back

[1:34:34] and read some of the essays instead.

[1:34:37] I'll admit I have never

[1:34:38] even cracked open the book.

[1:34:41] It's one I never made it past looking at it on the bookshelf and being like, hmm, that seems like a lot of book.

[1:34:47] To what end?

[1:34:50] I'm like, who's the bad guy?

[1:34:53] Is it zombies?

[1:34:54] Is it a wizard?

[1:34:56] I can't tell from the jacket, so I'll just put it back on the shelf.

[1:35:00] Is it a guy named Jest who lives infinitely?

[1:35:04] I'm not getting a poison flower duel vibe from this book.

[1:35:09] Exactly.

[1:35:11] uh okay i i don't have a uh full-throated recommendation this week but i could just

[1:35:17] half throat it half throat it dan i'll half throat it so uh this week all right no i don't like that

[1:35:22] either um this uh yet last night i could not sleep as i imagine uh many of us have gone through from

[1:35:29] time to time during this extremely stressful part in uh our nation and the world's history

[1:35:34] um and so i watched uh knockoff the jean-claude van damme movie um uh with rob schneider as well

[1:35:46] how do you pronounce the director's name i'm not really no it's pronounced rob schneider

[1:35:50] no it's a suey hark suey hark oh yeah yeah yeah like uh well-known well-known uh uh martial arts

[1:36:01] uh mostly director um he did once upon a time in china uh he did iron monkey he did a bunch of

[1:36:08] stuff uh and he also made a couple movies with van damme uh this one and double team and um

[1:36:15] look i'm not gonna make a lot of uh uh claims for this movie at a certain point

[1:36:22] oh you're not lost at a certain point i completely lost track of what was supposedly happening

[1:36:28] and uh there's a little less crazy action in it than i would like for a movie that has these

[1:36:34] sporadic amazing uh bursts of crazy action but it is a movie about uh knockoff jeans uh that one

[1:36:43] might wear uh that have uh nano bot explode d things in them bombs i guess they're called

[1:36:50] although you know exploding things is something i'm trying to get to catch on and uh and there's

[1:36:55] a point at which um uh rob schneider whips van damme's butt with an eel so if you know that's

[1:37:04] something you can't sounds great you can't buy you just can't buy it anymore no you can buy it

[1:37:09] you can't you can buy it you can buy this movie all right yeah i thought you meant that i could

[1:37:13] get on like a cameo with van damme and rob schneider and possible i don't know maybe

[1:37:19] it's just probably the cheap they're offering they're offering cameo zoom calls now where you

[1:37:26] can have a chat with jeremy piven for like fifteen thousand dollars for ten minutes pay to not talk

[1:37:31] to jeremy that's twenty thousand dollars damn sorry well it's worth it i just i like to hear

[1:37:38] that you're like this is the movie you can't buy that kind of thing but well then wait so is it

[1:37:42] not a movie that exists actually it is on amazon prime so if you're paying for amazon prime sure

[1:37:48] You can see it right now.

[1:37:50] Guys, what do you have to recommend?

[1:37:52] Stuart, I'm going to point to you.

[1:37:53] Cool.

[1:37:54] I'm going to recommend a thriller from 1992 called Deep Cover.

[1:37:59] That's right.

[1:38:00] Directed by Bill Duke, who's a character actor and a director.

[1:38:04] You might know him from Commando.

[1:38:06] You might know him as Mac from Predator.

[1:38:09] And Deep Cover is, as you would imagine,

[1:38:13] It's about a it's about a damaged but idealistic police officer who played by Lawrence Fishburne or Larry Fishburne, as the credits call him.

[1:38:23] And that's how he used to go.

[1:38:25] That's what he used to go by.

[1:38:26] He goes undercover and becomes a drug dealer working alongside Jeff Goldblum.

[1:38:32] And it's two two great actors at kind of like kind of peak sexiness.

[1:38:38] Maybe not for Goldblum.

[1:38:40] know he's been you know you know the fly and earth girls are you know he's great so you're

[1:38:45] saying his peak sexiness was in earth girls were easy where he was kind of like a covered in blue

[1:38:49] fur or the fly i mean those are very short parts of their respective movies i guess that's i mean

[1:38:58] the fly is about him turning into a fly yeah but i mean he gets shaved pretty early in earth girls

[1:39:05] so easy uh but deep cover is like a like a 90s noir the soundtrack is great uh it's uh shot

[1:39:14] really well it's got so many awesome like lurid colors uh it's just a beautiful looking movie

[1:39:20] and it's edited well and it kind of all fits together with this like pulsing uh soundtrack

[1:39:26] uh if it's like a little bit grimy and also sexy it's great check it out uh i'm gonna recommend a

[1:39:34] movie from 2015 that's right 21st century everybody wow yep i'm gonna recommend do i get

[1:39:40] the do i get the old movie prize of the episode i think you do yeah strangely enough what's going on

[1:39:46] i'm gonna recommend the movie slow west uh starring cody smith mcphee that's right the

[1:39:51] second nightcrawler and michael fassbender that's right the guy from prometheus what was the

[1:39:58] character's name uh michael jones prometheus jones yeah uh and it is a kind of uh it's uh

[1:40:07] written and directed by john mclean or more mclean i don't know exactly how it's pronounced

[1:40:10] but uh it's a sort of uh prometheus jones sounds like a 2000 ad comic yeah it does it does sound

[1:40:18] like a 2000 ad comic uh and he's like an amoral uh like what interplanetary like gambler and

[1:40:23] bounty hunter something like that yeah and they're supposed to be funny but you're like

[1:40:27] is this where the jokes uh so it is about a it's kind of a picaresque uh western about a uh scotsman

[1:40:35] a young man who goes out to the american west to find the woman he loves who has run off after a

[1:40:42] misunderstanding uh in their native scotland and finds himself so incredibly ill-equipped for

[1:40:48] existing out on the frontier and uh gets matched up with michael fassbender's character who is

[1:40:53] a bounty hunter who at first is helping him because he knows but the scotsman doesn't know

[1:40:58] that there is a bounty on the woman that he's looking for and this guy's going to lead him

[1:41:02] right to it but they come to uh help and appreciate each other eventually and it feels a little bit

[1:41:07] like if the more if the less goofy moments of uh the ballad of buster scruggs was a full movie

[1:41:15] then it might be something like this it's called it's called slow west but it's not actually that

[1:41:20] i put off watching it for a while because i was worried it was going to be super slow

[1:41:22] but it is actually not that slow it moves at a at a at a very easy but nice pace and uh there's

[1:41:28] some really cool choreographed uh kind of shoot them up scenes but there's also some sweet stuff

[1:41:33] in it and some funny stuff in it and i ended up liking it a lot and uh what's uh what's that other

[1:41:40] guy that's in that movie uh i mean ben mendelsohn's in it yeah yeah okay is that the guy that you

[1:41:47] referred to i mean there's other guys in it it's not just the three guys but no but what if it was

[1:41:52] a stage play of three guys three yeah who would think i mean that's there are lots of stage plays

[1:41:57] that are just three guys but yeah so guys like if waiting for godot had one less guy

[1:42:02] it would just be three guys yeah um well unlike uh our wonderful guest felicia day i don't have to

[1:42:12] uh feed a child or attend to my crockpot uh chicken dish that she mentioned before the show

[1:42:18] but it is very hot in this room so we should sign off soon but i did want to say another thank you

[1:42:24] to everyone who uh donated as part of our fundraiser or you know would have donated anyway

[1:42:30] but saw fit to enter our raffle which is wonderful uh as elliot put it last time there are other

[1:42:36] reasons better reasons than to enter a raffle to donate to charity um and uh we did get um

[1:42:43] It was around 1,100 emails, so we will be doing that reading of The Boy Next Door, which is something that we have to work out amongst ourselves.

[1:42:56] It was literally a couple nights ago that I was suddenly – you had told us the kind of early tally, and I was like, this is great.

[1:43:03] And I was bragging to my wife, and I was like, we did a great job.

[1:43:05] And oh, no, now we have to do that Boy Next Door thing.

[1:43:07] It just dawned on me like, oh, we have to go through with it now.

[1:43:12] yeah yeah we gotta figure that out it wasn't my incessant text messages

[1:43:16] i mean the text message when you were like hey boy next door hey boys next door you're just so

[1:43:23] excited about it let's get next door with that boy and i'm like okay stew okay well i don't know

[1:43:28] about this emoji combination but i think he's trying to say the boy next door he's like well

[1:43:32] he put a boy a neck and a door i assume that the neck is for next but oh wait no okay now it's a

[1:43:39] It's a boy sign and then an exit sign and then a nest and then a door.

[1:43:46] And I guess the nest probably should have been before the exit sign so I could kind of mush them together.

[1:43:50] Okay, well, this one right here.

[1:43:52] I'm not good at it.

[1:43:53] This one, it's a butt and binoculars.

[1:43:56] I guess that's because he's stalking Jennifer Lopez.

[1:43:58] His emojis are getting very complicated.

[1:44:00] I mean, there isn't technically a butt emoji, is there, Dan?

[1:44:02] I guess it was a peach emoji probably, right?

[1:44:05] There's a peach.

[1:44:05] For peaches, the original peaches.

[1:44:08] anyway uh also wait are we butts yeah we are three butts we are three butts we are three

[1:44:16] butts i mean we have them i like dan that you had to make sure that we knew that peaches were

[1:44:19] the original peaches uh i mean we haven't i i just wanted to say too like i think this succeeded

[1:44:27] beyond our wildest dreams uh we haven't discussed it i don't want to commit us to anything but i

[1:44:33] think that if the world continues to be crazy we probably will do another thing at some point

[1:44:38] along similar lines so thank you for uh making it wonderful and um yeah uh and you don't have to if

[1:44:46] you if you missed the original contest you don't have doesn't mean you're not allowed to donate to

[1:44:51] charity uh that i believe is the list of charities still up on the website dan uh yes and if you

[1:44:57] missed the original broadcast uh we should reiterate that it is up on our youtube page

[1:45:03] which is youtube.com slash c slash the flop house podcast but you can also just google it

[1:45:10] um as with anything these days uh what are you about to say no i was gonna say so i was gonna

[1:45:17] say also like just thank you to everybody and uh please keep the generosity going and we probably

[1:45:23] will do hopefully the world will fix its problems in the next month or two and we'll never have to

[1:45:27] do that again but if the world doesn't fix its problems then i think yeah we should try to do

[1:45:32] something uh you know hey check out the other great podcasts at maximumfund.org thank you for

[1:45:38] uh uh being our network thank you for all that you do thanks to jordan cowling for um the uh

[1:45:47] the work that she does in the show uh producing it i want to thank again as long as we're talking

[1:45:52] about the um the live show i want to thank on the show as well as we did on the live show

[1:45:57] matt carmen and john holt for all the tech stuff they did for us and the animations and uh and

[1:46:03] tony ochre for supplying the intro that we always use our shows anyway now that that's all done

[1:46:09] thank you the listener for listening and thank me dan mccoy for being here

[1:46:15] and thank me stewart wellington for being here and i guess i'll get i'll jump on this self-thanking

[1:46:23] train and i'll say i'll say thanks first i'll say thanks again to to our guest felicia day and i

[1:46:29] will say thanks thank you hawk for being the slayer we all needed you to be i'm elliot calen

[1:46:36] for flop house news dan good night bye

[1:46:40] listen i was just a little villager with a little tent and a dream and i caught those butterflies

[1:46:56] and i mined those rocks and i played that terrible turnip game but i did it i did it for my baby

[1:47:04] i mean it sounds like a great game

[1:47:07] maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported

Ep. #315 - Hawk the Slayer, w/ Felicia Day

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