Ep. #315 - Hawk the Slayer, w/ Felicia Day

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Hawk the Slayer.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] The movie that dares to ask the question,

[0:07] what if you watched your friends play D&D for an hour and a half,

[0:10] but you didn't get to share their Doritos?

[0:30] The movie that dares to ask the question,

[1:00] you may know her as the creator and star of The Guild.

[1:02] You may know her as a best-selling author.

[1:04] You may know her, like you do know her,

[1:06] as King of Forrester on Mystery Science Theater 2000,

[1:08] The Return for Netflix.

[1:09] Very excited to have Felicia Day with us today.

[1:12] Thank you so much for joining us.

S4

[1:13] Hey!

[1:15] Thanks for having me!

[1:17] Now Felicia...

[1:18] What? What? What, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:19] Dan, our guest has barely started talking.

[1:21] I had so much more.

S4

[1:23] I had an opening monologue.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] It seemed like she had paused, but I, yeah, I know.

[1:27] This is historically my job on the show,

[1:30] is to do things wrong.

S4

[1:31] Oh, okay.

[1:32] I'm very good.

[1:33] I'm, I've never been,

[1:35] I'm usually best um-kept.

[1:37] Like, I want to be a street urchin for the rest of my life.

[1:39] Every D&D character is street urchin,

[1:41] street urchin, street urchin.

[1:42] And it's just so I don't have to do my hair and makeup.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] No, all I wanted to say was,

[1:45] I, of course,

[1:46] am the biggest fan of Felicia

[1:48] from her work on Buffy and Dr. Horrible.

[1:52] But I would be remiss in not mentioning

[1:56] that during the quarantine,

[1:58] a lot of people are doing watch-alongs.

[2:00] My friend had a watch-along of,

[2:02] for her birthday,

[2:03] of all of the Bring It On movies.

[2:05] And I was delighted to see her

[2:07] as the goth cheerleader

[2:08] in the second of those films.

[2:09] Oh, no.

S4

[2:09] I was the goth cheerleader,

[2:11] cheerleader, healed by cheer.

[2:12] Like, I was the goth ballerina

[2:14] here at Black Hill by cheer, basically.

[2:15] That was a blast from the past.

[2:18] That was a weird...

[2:19] That was a weird...

[2:21] That was a weird job.

[2:22] That's when I did...

[2:23] That's when I realized...

[2:24] Not realized it,

[2:25] but I did wonder why

[2:28] the director would hit on everybody.

Dan McCoy

[2:31] We won't go into that, though.

[2:33] You're hearing the Hollywood goss on the show.

[2:35] Yeah, exactly.

S4

[2:36] The behind the...

[2:36] BTS!

Dan McCoy

[2:39] Should we explain what we do,

[2:40] or do we want to talk about stuff?

[2:42] Yeah, we should...

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] We should probably explain what we do.

[2:44] I mean, Dan, how many years

[2:47] have we been doing this show?

[2:48] It is about 12 years, I guess.

[2:51] Wow!

[2:51] And yet, each time...

[2:52] Almost 13.

[2:53] Almost 13, and each time,

[2:54] it's as if you've never done it before.

S4

[2:57] You have a freshness about you, Dan.

[2:59] Like, you've never been behind a mic before,

[3:02] and that's really...

[3:03] That's really impressive

[3:04] that you've been doing this 13 years.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] It's like somebody bonked him on the head,

[3:08] and there were little birds tweeting around him,

[3:10] and then they pushed him onto a microphone,

[3:12] and they just started riffing, you know?

[3:14] Yeah.

[3:15] Tweets, squeets, squeets, squeets, squeets, squeets, squeets, squeets.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] It provides kind of a ramshackle feel to the show,

[3:20] so people think that we're just their idiot friends.

[3:24] See?

S4

[3:24] Listen, I love...

[3:25] Like I said, unpolished is my specialty.

[3:28] There's nothing worse than trying to look good.

[3:29] You know you have a booger in your nose.

[3:31] You know what I'm saying?

[3:31] You walk out, you got toilet paper in your shoe.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] And yet, if you're the guy who points...

[3:36] In your shoe.

[3:36] Or the guy or lady who points their nose and goes,

[3:39] check it out, a booger.

[3:40] You're everybody's best friend all of a sudden.

[3:42] Like, if you call yourself out on it...

S4

[3:44] You call yourself out on it?

[3:46] Because I always tell other people,

[3:47] and then they get mad at me that I told them,

[3:48] and I'm like, did you want to go home

[3:50] and see that was in your nose

[3:51] and imagine all the people that saw you

[3:54] with a booger in your nose

[3:55] and just go over and over in your mind all night?

[3:58] I mean, that's what I would do.

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] Yeah, I'll see.

[4:02] Staring to the dark corners of the room,

[4:04] thinking about all the mistakes you've made,

[4:07] and oh, man.

[4:09] No, no, Stuart, get out of that dark place.

[4:11] Stuart, are you going to go?

[4:12] I can't believe I said that thing.

Elliott Kalan

[4:13] Are you doing your bit from...

[4:14] Oh, my God, he's weeping.

[4:15] He's weeping.

[4:16] The live show again?

Dan McCoy

[4:19] Oh, boy.

[4:20] Okay, so Hawk the Slayer, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] So maybe, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:25] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie,

[4:27] and we talk about it.

[4:29] I mean, I always feel bad

[4:32] that the concept is baked into the podcast,

[4:36] but it's also prejudging the film

[4:38] because I don't know what these guys thought of it.

[4:40] But mostly they're bad movies.

[4:42] The movies that we have been led to believe

[4:44] are not so good.

S4

[4:45] So you don't do a Godfather situation here

[4:48] or you're not watching Schindler's List?

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Maybe the third one.

[4:52] The third Schindler's List.

[4:54] The direct-to-video one where it's dogs.

S4

[4:55] There was a direct...

[4:57] Really?

[4:59] Wow.

[5:00] That's one that I don't think people have reviewed.

[5:02] I have to look on Rotten Tomatoes.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] Yeah, it's very low-rated.

[5:05] That's a real Schindler's Twist.

[5:06] Oh, shit.

[5:08] No, not a fan.

[5:09] What?

[5:10] Well, you're making a face

[5:11] as if you were not the person

[5:13] who introduced the idea

[5:14] of a direct-to-video sequel

[5:16] to Schindler's List.

[5:17] And yet I, I am the one

[5:19] who gets reprimanded.

[5:21] Yeah, right.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Fair point.

[5:23] Fair point.

[5:23] We're all sinners in this world.

Stuart Wellington

[5:24] I will say,

[5:25] I think at time of release,

[5:27] this movie was not particularly

[5:28] thought of well by critics.

[5:30] And I think it was a box office bust.

[5:32] I think it is a found to follow.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] This is a movie that came out in 1980

[5:36] and I was curious how well it did.

[5:38] So I looked up on Box Office Mojo

[5:40] by IMDb Pro.

[5:41] I don't know why I'm giving them

[5:42] brand name sponsorship.

[5:44] But the, I looked up

[5:45] Domestic Box Office for 1980

[5:46] and it was not in the top 68 releases

[5:49] of that year.

[5:50] Wow.

[5:50] That's, that's as far as the chart goes.

Stuart Wellington

[5:53] But back in the, back in 1980,

[5:55] they released thousands

[5:56] upon thousands of movies, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:57] That's true.

[5:58] That's true.

S4

[5:59] They had the drive-in theaters, right?

[6:01] This was like number one in Topeka

[6:02] on the west side.

Elliott Kalan

[6:04] Not on the east side of Topeka.

[6:06] Oh, wow.

[6:06] I don't know.

S4

[6:07] It's weird that they split those.

[6:07] I don't know which side of Topeka's better,

[6:09] but yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:10] Split those demos up

[6:11] for the purposes of box office reporting.

S4

[6:14] That's where the,

[6:14] basically where the Starz families lived.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:18] So they all went to see it.

[6:19] But this movie also,

[6:21] so the movie we're watching

[6:22] is Hawk the Slayer.

[6:22] I have a question for Stuart

[6:24] about it in a moment.

[6:25] But first,

[6:26] this actually has a previous

[6:28] Flophouse connection

[6:29] in that it was directed

[6:30] by the director Terry Marcel,

[6:33] whose daughter, Kelly Marcel,

[6:35] wrote the Fifty Shades of a Grey movie,

[6:38] which we did on this very podcast.

[6:40] So.

[6:40] Oh,

Stuart Wellington

[6:41] I can see connections.

S4

[6:43] Yeah, so.

[6:43] Wait, it was written by,

[6:44] that's whose daughter,

[6:45] the daughter wrote it

[6:46] and the dad or the mom

[6:48] wrote this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[6:49] No, no,

[6:49] the dad directed this movie.

[6:51] Directed the movie.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:52] And he may have co-written it.

[6:54] Let's see.

[6:54] Let me take a look.

[6:55] Yeah, he did.

[6:55] Yeah,

[6:56] and he co-wrote it

[6:57] and wrote and directed it

[6:58] and then his daughter

[6:58] went on to become

[6:59] a screenwriter as well.

[7:00] So it's a schlock legacy.

[7:02] Oh, yes.

[7:03] Oh, very much so.

[7:04] It's a proud family tradition,

[7:07] I guess is the way you'd call it.

[7:09] Now, Stuart,

[7:10] my question for you is,

[7:10] Hawk the Slayer,

[7:11] you were very big on it.

[7:12] We asked Felicia,

[7:14] what kind of movie

[7:14] would you like to do?

[7:15] And she said,

[7:15] fantasy, please.

[7:16] And Stuart said,

[7:17] Hawk the Slayer

[7:18] in big capital letters

[7:19] in a text.

[7:20] Now, what was it

[7:21] about this movie

[7:21] that really had you going?

Stuart Wellington

[7:24] So there's,

[7:25] you know,

[7:25] I have a couple of connections

[7:26] to Hawk the Slayer.

[7:27] It's mentioned

[7:28] in the first season

[7:30] of Spaced,

[7:31] you know,

[7:31] the Edgar Wright show.

[7:33] And I remember being like,

[7:34] what the fuck

[7:34] are they talking about?

[7:35] So I had to look it up.

[7:37] And then I used to,

[7:38] when I worked for,

[7:39] yeah,

[7:40] I was really mad

[7:40] at the show.

[7:42] I turned my TV

[7:43] to face the wall.

[7:45] And when I worked

[7:47] for Games Workshop,

[7:47] I had some English co-workers

[7:49] who were big fantasy nerds.

[7:52] And they also,

[7:53] you know,

[7:53] they were fans

[7:54] of Hawk the Slayer

[7:55] for some reason.

[7:56] And then the third reason

[7:58] I mentioned it

[7:59] is the exact day

[8:00] you texted me,

[8:02] somebody told me

[8:03] their brother suggested

[8:04] we should do

[8:06] for the show.

[8:07] Wow.

[8:08] Thank you,

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] random person's brother.

[8:10] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[8:11] Yeah, exactly.

[8:11] I feel like,

[8:12] I mean,

[8:12] he's probably going

[8:13] to listen now,

[8:14] but I feel like

[8:15] I want him to be surprised

[8:16] and be like,

[8:17] oh my God,

[8:18] like by mentioning it

[8:19] to this other person

[8:19] and then mentioning,

[8:20] you know,

[8:21] like that his game

[8:23] of telephone

[8:23] actually paid off.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] He's like,

[8:25] what kind of power

[8:26] do I have

[8:27] that I spoke it

[8:28] and it came into being?

Dan McCoy

[8:29] Now,

[8:30] on a similar line

[8:32] of questioning,

[8:32] this is,

[8:33] with some big exceptions,

[8:35] fantasy is not

[8:36] necessarily my genre,

[8:38] but Felicia,

[8:40] I know that,

[8:41] I mean,

[8:42] one of your first ways

[8:43] of coming to prominence

[8:44] was the guild.

[8:46] Is it,

[8:46] and you said fantasy,

[8:47] is it something

[8:48] that you particularly

[8:48] connect with?

S4

[8:50] Oh yeah,

[8:50] I live in another world.

[8:52] My life is a fantasy.

[8:53] I have read

[8:54] every fantasy novel

[8:55] there is.

[8:56] I have watched

[8:57] most things

[8:58] that are fantasy based.

[8:59] I even watched

[8:59] the Shannara show

[9:01] for a while

[9:02] and that was,

[9:03] that was wretched.

[9:05] So,

[9:05] I will,

[9:06] anything with a sword

[9:07] or a drape

[9:08] or a horse

[9:10] or a turret,

[9:12] I mean,

[9:12] I am like a sucker.

[9:13] I'll watch a little bit

[9:14] of anything.

[9:15] I am a turret whore.

[9:18] So like,

[9:19] and I know a lot

[9:20] about history

[9:21] so I realize

[9:21] it is just

[9:22] a fictional account.

[9:24] Like,

[9:24] it's literally like

[9:25] if people wrote

[9:26] about our time

[9:27] and it was like

[9:27] the Jetsons.

[9:28] You know,

[9:28] like,

[9:29] it's so far moved

[9:30] into reality

[9:31] that we created

[9:34] a fictitious universe

[9:35] that is this

[9:36] chivalrous

[9:37] sort of time

[9:38] where women

[9:38] were so happy.

[9:40] there weren't

[9:42] dead bodies

[9:42] everywhere.

[9:43] Everyone didn't stink

[9:43] but at the same time

[9:44] I love it

[9:45] and that's my,

[9:46] it's sort of like

[9:46] a fairy tale

[9:47] kind of thing.

[9:48] So,

[9:48] yeah,

[9:48] I have watched a lot

[9:49] but I did not

[9:50] watch this movie

[9:51] and thank God

[9:52] for the introduction

[9:52] to it.

[9:53] Thank God.

[9:54] Oh,

[9:54] you're welcome.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] I think

[9:56] we're going to have

[9:56] an interesting dynamic

[9:58] here between

[9:59] those of us

[9:59] who probably

[10:00] enjoyed the movie

[10:01] and those of us

[10:02] who did not

[10:03] enjoy the movie

[10:04] as one co-host

[10:05] who will be named

[10:05] later texted me

[10:07] multiple times

[10:08] while watching it

[10:08] with his

[10:09] disgruntlement

[10:10] it wasn't

[10:11] Stuart

[10:11] but we'll get

[10:14] to that.

[10:15] Let's talk about

[10:15] it.

Stuart Wellington

[10:16] Listeners,

[10:17] write in.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] Write in with your

[10:19] guesses.

[10:19] Stop the podcast

[10:20] right now.

[10:21] Write in with your

[10:21] guesses.

[10:22] Write,

[10:22] was it Dan,

[10:23] care of Dan McCoy,

[10:25] 123 Any Street,

[10:26] New York City,

[10:27] Brooklyn,

[10:28] 10111-111111111111111111111,

[10:32] USA,

[10:33] Earth,

[10:33] America.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] I don't want to

[10:34] give too many

[10:35] spoilers too early.

[10:36] I will say

[10:36] it's not so much

[10:38] dislike as

[10:39] boredom.

[10:40] but we'll get

[10:41] to it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] All right,

[10:42] interesting.

[10:43] Well,

[10:43] let's talk about

[10:44] Hawk,

[10:45] let's talk about

[10:46] the Hawk,

[10:46] which is I guess

[10:47] probably should have

[10:48] been the slogan

[10:49] on the poster

[10:50] because the slogan

[10:51] on the poster

[10:51] says,

[10:52] beyond the edge

[10:54] of darkness

[10:54] there is a world

[10:55] of sword and

[10:56] sorcery.

[10:56] But it should

[10:57] have been

[10:57] you're going to

[10:57] talk about

[10:58] the Hawk.

[10:59] Yeah,

[10:59] I figured it'd be

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] like,

[11:00] can you talk

[11:01] the Hawk

[11:01] or will you

[11:02] Hawk the talk?

S4

[11:04] Exactly.

[11:04] That's even

[11:05] better.

[11:05] That's even

[11:06] better,

[11:06] dude.

[11:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:08] Some people

[11:09] walk the walk.

[11:09] This guy talks

[11:10] the Hawk

[11:10] and people

[11:11] are like,

[11:12] wait,

[11:13] so he talks

[11:13] to Hawks?

[11:14] No,

[11:14] no,

[11:15] no,

[11:15] no.

[11:15] That's not

[11:15] what it's

[11:15] about.

S4

[11:16] And with

[11:17] Lady Hawk

[11:17] coming out,

[11:18] I think that

[11:18] was probably

[11:19] later.

[11:20] That totally

[11:20] owes all of

[11:21] it.

[11:22] All the

[11:22] Hawkdom.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] And then

[11:24] the third

[11:25] movie in the

[11:25] trilogy,

[11:26] Hudson Hawk.

[11:27] Exactly.

S4

[11:28] Exactly.

[11:29] It was just

[11:29] a generation

[11:30] of Hawkdom.

[11:31] And this

[11:31] was really

[11:32] the bird

[11:33] of the

[11:33] decade.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Look who's

[11:34] hawking.

[11:35] Look who's

[11:35] hawking too.

[11:37] People loved

[11:37] hawking.

[11:38] That was a

[11:39] story about

[11:39] a baby who

[11:40] got into

[11:40] falconry,

[11:41] right?

[11:42] And the

[11:43] baby was

[11:43] holding a

[11:43] little glove

[11:44] with a little

[11:44] baby falcon

[11:45] on it,

[11:45] which now

[11:46] that I

[11:46] think about

[11:46] it is

[11:47] kind of

[11:47] the plot

[11:47] of Kez,

[11:48] which is

[11:48] a terribly

[11:48] sad movie.

[11:49] Okay,

[11:50] so Hawk

[11:51] the Slayer.

[11:51] We open

[11:51] with an

[11:52] opening

[11:52] title that

[11:52] has some

[11:53] kind of

[11:53] epic myth

[11:54] stuff that,

[11:54] you know,

[11:55] just say basic

[11:55] stuff.

[11:56] We don't need

[11:56] to get into it.

[11:57] I didn't write

[11:57] it down.

[11:58] Because,

[11:58] quickly,

[11:59] we are

[11:59] introduced to

[12:00] the villain

[12:00] of the

[12:00] piece.

[12:01] That's

[12:01] right,

[12:01] Voltan

[12:02] the Dark

[12:02] One,

[12:03] Jack Palance,

[12:04] wearing a

[12:04] helmet that

[12:05] covers half

[12:05] his face

[12:06] because they,

[12:07] I guess,

[12:07] didn't have

[12:07] the makeup

[12:07] budget for

[12:08] his heavily

[12:09] scarred face

[12:10] to be on

[12:10] screen for

[12:11] more than

[12:11] a,

[12:11] you know,

[12:12] the minute

[12:12] at the end

[12:13] of the movie.

[12:14] Voltan

[12:14] is infiltrating

[12:15] a castle.

[12:16] He wants

[12:16] his dad's

[12:17] secret to

[12:18] ancient power.

[12:19] And how

[12:19] would you

[12:19] describe the

[12:20] room that

[12:20] his dad

[12:21] is in?

[12:24] It's probably

[12:25] where Trump

[12:25] takes a poop.

[12:27] Yeah,

[12:27] that's a,

[12:28] that's a great,

[12:28] yeah,

[12:29] it's got gold,

[12:30] shiny gold walls,

[12:31] and there seems

[12:31] to be some kind

[12:32] of dry ice

[12:32] hot tub just

[12:33] in the middle

[12:33] with like gold

[12:34] statues over it.

S4

[12:36] I love this

[12:37] more than

[12:37] anything in

[12:38] this scene

[12:39] is the two,

[12:40] there's two

[12:40] sort of gargoyles

[12:41] on either

[12:42] side of the

[12:42] hot tub,

[12:43] and they have

[12:44] this look like

[12:45] they're a kid

[12:46] from 1980

[12:47] doing a headshot.

[12:49] It's the cute

[12:50] little two fists

[12:51] under the chin

[12:52] going,

[12:52] hey!

[12:53] So I actually

[12:54] re-watched the

[12:55] whole sequence

[12:56] just looking at

[12:57] the gargoyle's face.

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] It feels so much

[13:00] like they wanted

[13:00] a creepy gargoyle,

[13:02] but all they could

[13:02] get was like

[13:03] little angel

[13:03] statues,

[13:04] and they were

[13:04] just like

[13:04] painting them

[13:05] gold,

[13:05] stick them

[13:05] on the hot tub.

[13:06] What are you

[13:06] going to do?

[13:07] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[13:08] Yeah,

[13:08] I,

[13:09] this is the kind

[13:09] of room that

[13:10] if I was,

[13:11] playing a game

[13:12] of True Dungeon,

[13:13] and this was

[13:14] the last chamber,

[13:15] I would not be

[13:16] super bummed

[13:17] about it,

[13:18] but I wouldn't

[13:18] be very happy.

S4

[13:20] I've done

[13:21] True Dungeon,

[13:21] that's amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[13:23] I figured

[13:23] somebody would

[13:24] appreciate it.

[13:25] Ten people

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] and me.

[13:26] Not me,

[13:27] Stuart.

[13:28] Thumbs down

[13:28] to that reference,

[13:29] not in my wheelhouse.

[13:30] So,

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] so Voltan

[13:32] is fighting

[13:32] his dad,

[13:33] right?

[13:34] And they look

[13:34] roughly

[13:35] two years apart.

[13:37] And Voltan

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] seems older

[13:39] than his dad,

[13:40] and now this is,

[13:40] yep,

[13:41] I think the main

[13:42] issue with casting

[13:42] Jack Palance

[13:43] as your villain,

[13:44] but then deciding

[13:45] that the villain

[13:46] and the hero

[13:46] should be brothers.

[13:48] Because Jack Palance,

[13:49] by this time,

[13:49] let's see,

[13:50] this is 1980,

[13:51] he was 61 years old

[13:52] at the time.

[13:53] Oh my.

[13:54] he is,

[13:55] and you do not want

[13:57] a 61-year-old hero,

[13:59] and so you end up

[14:00] with some very old brothers.

[14:02] He looks to be about

[14:02] a little bit older

[14:03] than his dad,

[14:04] and he wants the secret

[14:06] to ancient power,

[14:08] and his dad is like,

[14:10] no way.

[14:11] And while he's arguing

[14:11] with his dad,

[14:12] Hawk is,

[14:13] is this one of the times

[14:15] when Hawk is riding

[14:16] on his horse

[14:16] for a very long time?

S4

[14:18] Yeah,

[14:18] it's like exterior darkness,

[14:20] interior light.

[14:21] So he's like two time zones over,

[14:23] but somehow just arrives.

[14:24] It's amazing.

[14:25] I'm like,

[14:26] what?

[14:26] Why is the castle

[14:27] at midnight,

[14:29] and then he's like,

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] it's golden hour.

[14:31] It doesn't make any sense.

[14:32] No,

[14:33] it's,

[14:34] and they do,

[14:35] I don't remember

[14:35] if they do it here,

[14:35] but they do a number of times,

[14:37] Hawk will be riding

[14:37] on his horse,

[14:38] and they'll just cross dissolve

[14:39] to him riding on his horse,

[14:40] and then they will half dissolve

[14:42] him riding on his horse

[14:43] with the image of him

[14:44] riding on his horse,

[14:44] and it's like,

[14:45] it felt like they were,

[14:47] they really wanted to make

[14:48] the most of this,

[14:48] this Hawk riding horse's footage.

S4

[14:51] Hawk on,

[14:51] but there's always a lizard

[14:52] watching him.

[14:53] Yeah,

[14:53] a lizard or a snake.

[14:55] And there's a disco,

[14:56] it's disco lizard.

[14:57] So basically,

[14:57] disco lizard watches Hawk

[14:59] ride through the woods.

Dan McCoy

[15:02] As long as we're talking

[15:03] about Hawk riding

[15:04] through the woods,

[15:04] which is approximately

[15:05] 90% of the movie,

[15:06] I also would like to say

[15:07] that every exterior

[15:08] in this movie

[15:10] is a patch of the woods

[15:12] that basically looks like

[15:13] the other patch of the woods

[15:14] we just saw

[15:15] with about like,

[15:17] let's say,

[15:18] 10 smoke machines

[15:19] on overdrive

[15:20] making this in the background.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] And often,

[15:22] Halloween adventure skulls

[15:25] just tied to trees,

[15:26] there's so many bones

[15:28] tied to trees in this movie.

[15:29] But anyway,

[15:30] Hawk shows up,

[15:31] Hawk bursts in,

[15:32] too late.

[15:32] The dad is dying.

[15:34] Voltan left,

[15:35] I guess,

[15:36] and the old man

[15:37] gives Hawk

[15:38] his magic stone

[15:39] that he kept

[15:39] in an amulet

[15:40] around his neck.

[15:41] Voltan couldn't

[15:42] crack that code.

[15:43] No,

S4

[15:43] he couldn't get the sword

[15:45] off the wall either.

[15:46] He didn't even try.

[15:46] He's just like,

[15:47] dad, you're dead.

[15:48] I'm out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[15:48] And the stone

[15:50] goes into the,

[15:51] so the handle of the sword

[15:52] which is called

[15:53] the mind sword

[15:53] for reasons that are

[15:54] never really explained.

[15:55] I guess because you can

[15:56] control it with your mind.

[15:57] It's a hand

[15:58] and the hand opens up

[15:59] and holds this glowing stone

[16:00] and his dad is like,

[16:01] now you've got the power

[16:03] and you're going to use this.

[16:05] And Hawk

[16:05] wills the sword

[16:06] to his hand

[16:07] and it floats over

[16:08] and that's when

[16:09] we get the title.

[16:11] drawn by hand

[16:12] as if it is the

[16:14] first bootleg

[16:15] EP release

[16:16] of a heavy metal,

[16:17] of like a hometown

[16:18] heavy metal band

[16:19] and it is copyright

[16:21] Chips Productions

[16:22] which is maybe

[16:23] my favorite thing

[16:24] that I've ever seen.

S4

[16:24] Yeah, that was my favorite.

[16:25] I was like,

[16:25] Chips?

[16:26] What else have they done?

[16:27] Did they do Chips later?

[16:28] Is this just kind of like

[16:29] their side project?

Elliott Kalan

[16:30] And this is an English movie

[16:33] so that means

[16:33] it's copyright

[16:34] French Fries Productions

[16:35] which is even better.

[16:39] And I'm going to go

[16:40] out on a limb right now.

[16:41] I mean,

[16:41] the instant this movie started

[16:42] I was like,

[16:43] movie,

[16:43] I'm totally yours.

[16:45] But then when the

[16:46] theme song started playing

[16:47] the music is genuinely

[16:49] is amazing.

S4

[16:50] No, no, the music

[16:51] I actually would

[16:52] I would listen

[16:53] to the soundtrack.

[16:54] It is genuinely amazing.

[16:56] It's disco,

[16:57] tech,

[16:58] somehow.

[16:59] It should be like

[17:00] Tron, you know?

[17:01] Like it's not

[17:02] it's not appropriate

[17:03] for anything

[17:04] that's on screen.

[17:05] It's really quite good.

Dan McCoy

[17:07] Yeah, I tried to see

[17:08] whether it was

[17:08] available for purchase

[17:10] actually.

[17:10] I mean,

[17:11] you can get it as MP3s

[17:12] but not in any other

[17:13] format.

[17:14] but I was like,

[17:15] yeah,

[17:15] it's like disco.

[17:17] Some of it sounds like

[17:18] the Disneyland

[17:18] Main Street

[17:19] Electrical Parade.

[17:20] Some of it sounds like

[17:21] Ennio Morricone.

[17:23] Like,

[17:23] it's way different

[17:24] than anything you

[17:24] like would see

[17:25] in a modern fantasy film

[17:27] or hear.

Stuart Wellington

[17:27] The Morricone comments,

[17:29] interesting,

[17:30] because I think

[17:30] reading up on the

[17:32] trivia behind it,

[17:33] I guess they were

[17:34] trying to go for

[17:34] like,

[17:35] they were trying to go

[17:36] for like a western

[17:37] but set in a

[17:38] like a fantasy

[17:39] sword and sorcery realm

[17:41] and then like...

S4

[17:42] That was clear.

[17:42] That was clear

[17:43] with the long

[17:44] expressionless close-ups

[17:46] they kept cutting

[17:47] back and forth.

[17:47] I'm like,

[17:48] are they trying to do

[17:49] a spaghetti western

[17:50] with like...

[17:51] And I was like,

[17:51] wow,

[17:51] that would have been

[17:52] cool had it worked

[17:53] in any way.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Yeah.

[17:54] The only way it works

[17:56] is the music

[17:57] and when they show

[17:57] people shooting

[17:58] crossbows

[17:58] and they...

[18:00] Oh,

[18:00] it's amazing.

[18:00] It's my favorite

[18:01] thing in the world.

S4

[18:02] It's my favorite

[18:03] thing in the world,

[18:04] those crossbows,

[18:05] because they're

[18:05] machine gun crossbows.

[18:06] Oh,

[18:07] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] And it's just them

[18:08] showing the same

[18:08] piece of footage

[18:09] over like,

[18:10] cut really close

[18:10] together.

[18:11] And when...

[18:12] And Les,

[18:12] I've never seen an elf

[18:13] shoot arrows so fast.

[18:15] Sorry,

[18:15] Legolas.

[18:15] I was like,

S4

[18:16] why does anyone

[18:17] have a sword

[18:17] in this world?

[18:18] Yes,

[18:18] you'll all be using

[18:19] machine gun arrows

[18:20] or crossbows.

[18:22] Like,

[18:22] I'm like,

[18:22] nobody can hold a candle

[18:24] to this one-handed

[18:25] crossbow artist

[18:26] every year.

Dan McCoy

[18:27] Yeah.

[18:27] He's amazing.

[18:28] Well,

[18:28] that's one way

[18:29] in which this fantasy

[18:29] medieval world

[18:30] is better than the real world

[18:31] is there's a waiting

[18:32] period for crossbows

[18:33] in this universe.

[18:34] Oh,

[18:35] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] Okay,

[18:36] they close that loophole,

[18:37] that bolt hole.

[18:39] So,

[18:40] the,

[18:40] so anyway,

[18:41] there's a guy

[18:42] with a crossbow

[18:43] and his one arm

[18:44] is wounded grievously.

[18:45] He goes to a convent

[18:46] and he's like,

[18:47] I'm from a village

[18:48] and Voltan destroyed it.

[18:49] They were laughing

[18:50] and they amputated his hand.

[18:51] A convent that is

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] a very cool map painting,

Elliott Kalan

[18:53] I think we can all agree,

[18:54] right?

[18:54] It is.

[18:55] It was pretty cool,

[18:55] yeah.

[18:56] And this man is Ranulf

[18:57] and for a while

[18:58] you'd be mistaken

[18:59] in thinking that

[18:59] he's the hero of the movie

[19:01] because it takes a long time

[19:02] for Hawk to come back.

[19:03] For a while,

[19:03] this is the adventures

[19:04] of Ranulf

[19:05] looking for Hawk.

[19:06] Which,

[19:06] by the way,

[19:07] better actor.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] Oh,

[19:09] yeah.

[19:09] Oh,

[19:09] yeah.

[19:10] Well,

[19:10] I wanted to say earlier

[19:11] when Ellie was talking

[19:12] about the problem

[19:13] with Jack Pounce

[19:13] being the brother,

[19:14] the other problem is

[19:15] as many years

[19:16] older Jack Pounce is,

[19:18] that's how much more

[19:19] charismatic Jack Pounce

[19:20] also is.

[19:21] The Hawk is kind of

[19:22] blank.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] I mean,

[19:23] by the time this movie

[19:24] came out,

[19:25] Jack Pounce had been

[19:25] in movies for

[19:26] roughly 40 years.

[19:28] Like,

[19:28] there's a reason

[19:29] he lasted that long

[19:30] because he's got a,

[19:31] because he's super charismatic

[19:32] and he's got a creepy face.

[19:35] So,

[19:36] Voltan,

[19:37] meanwhile,

[19:37] his face gives him

[19:39] such pain

[19:39] that he has to go to

[19:40] this kind of weird,

[19:41] dark wizard god

[19:42] who talks through

[19:43] an audio-filtered voice

[19:45] and who uses

[19:46] finger lasers

[19:47] to cure him

[19:48] of his pain temporarily.

[19:49] And this is another moment

[19:50] where I was like,

[19:50] yes, movie.

[19:51] Thank you.

S4

[19:51] Yes.

[19:52] No,

[19:52] it's amazing.

[19:53] It's like the most

[19:54] janky Lasix

[19:56] I've ever seen

[19:56] in my life.

[19:57] He's screaming

[19:58] and it still doesn't work

[19:59] and I'm just like,

[20:00] what are you doing?

[20:03] Put some anesthetic

[20:04] on there, man.

[20:05] And they never,

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] they never really explain

[20:07] what dimension

[20:08] this wizard is in

[20:09] or how he gets there.

[20:10] He'll just be talking

[20:11] to his men and go,

[20:11] I have to go,

[20:12] my face is in pain.

[20:13] And then he's suddenly

[20:14] in this kind of

[20:15] red dimension

[20:16] where this wizard

[20:17] hangs out

[20:17] waiting to shoot lasers

[20:18] into his face

[20:19] from his fingers.

[20:20] It's,

[20:20] it's so,

[20:21] but the wizard.

S4

[20:22] It reminds me of like

[20:23] a sound bath person

[20:24] in Silver Lake.

[20:25] You know what I'm saying?

[20:25] It's like,

[20:26] totally unaccredited.

[20:28] He has this belief

[20:29] that it's gonna fix him

[20:30] and that belief

[20:31] and cash,

[20:33] a cash money payment

[20:34] is gonna really cure him.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] Mm-hmm,

[20:35] mm-hmm.

[20:36] He's like,

[20:36] well,

[20:36] I could go with what

[20:37] Western medicine says

[20:39] with a lot of quotes

[20:39] around it.

[20:40] But I think the harmonics

[20:42] are what's really gonna

[20:42] take the infection

[20:43] out of my face.

[20:45] So this,

[20:46] this dark,

[20:46] Ike was calling him

[20:47] a dark god,

[20:47] but later they referred

[20:48] to him as a wizard.

[20:49] He's like,

[20:50] you have to go

[20:50] to this convent.

[20:51] Uh,

[20:51] and do something

[20:53] to lure Hawk out.

[20:54] Uh,

[20:54] so Voltan and his son,

[20:56] whose name is Drogo,

[20:57] uh,

[20:58] they,

[20:58] they go to a,

[20:59] although later on

[21:00] it's revealed that

[21:01] he isn't his adopted son,

[21:03] uh,

[21:03] they go to this convent

[21:04] and he and his son

[21:05] kidnap the head nun

[21:06] for a ransom.

[21:07] and they say,

[21:08] we're gonna ransom this

[21:10] and then just to make it,

[21:11] make the threat super clear,

[21:13] Voltan cuts a loaf of bread

[21:14] in half with his sword,

[21:15] which gets its own shot.

[21:16] Which was?

[21:16] It's a chiabatta,

S4

[21:17] it's my favorite shot,

[21:18] it's a chiabatta,

[21:19] you know,

[21:19] like it's one of those,

[21:20] like it's a very,

[21:21] it's either a hamburger bun,

[21:23] a large hamburger,

[21:23] it's like,

[21:24] you know what it is?

[21:24] It's a schlatsky's bun.

[21:26] Yeah,

[21:26] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:26] That's actually,

[21:29] that's actually the kind of role

[21:30] that we're using

[21:32] for our sandwiches

[21:33] at my bar Hinterlands,

[21:34] which is now open

[21:35] for to-go service.

[21:37] Oh,

[21:37] so interesting and delicious.

[21:38] I'm sorry,

[21:39] I'm sorry,

[21:39] you have to,

Dan McCoy

[21:40] you have to buy a Jumbotron

[21:43] for that kind of,

[21:43] uh,

[21:44] business message.

[21:45] Why?

[21:45] I'm just talking.

S4

[21:46] Listen,

[21:47] if you cut it with your

[21:48] broadsword like that,

[21:49] I'm there.

[21:50] I need to see a broadsword cut

[21:52] and I'll take that away.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] I mean,

[21:53] I have to assume it's free

[21:54] if the customer will chop it

[21:55] in half with a broadsword,

[21:56] right,

[21:57] Stu?

S4

[21:57] No,

[21:58] that's kind of like a

[21:59] gyokaku,

[21:59] you know,

[22:00] you gotta,

[22:00] you gotta cook your own,

[22:01] you gotta cook your own beef

[22:02] and then in this place

[22:03] you gotta cut your own

[22:04] ciabatta with a broadsword.

Stuart Wellington

[22:05] Not a fan of those.

[22:06] I'll,

[22:06] I'll hold the ciabatta

[22:07] and then you'll carefully

[22:09] cut it in half

[22:10] using your broadsword.

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Uh,

[22:12] I don't know,

[22:12] maybe you should just

[22:13] want to put it on a table.

[22:14] It will probably require

[22:15] rolling a critical hit.

[22:17] Probably.

[22:18] Now what,

[22:19] what kind of armor class

[22:20] is on that,

[22:21] on that sandwich?

S4

[22:23] Ciabatta has a five,

[22:24] five or maybe,

[22:26] but it has a very,

[22:26] very good saving throw,

[22:27] dexterity saving throw.

[22:28] It's a real,

[22:29] it's a real bouncy ciabatta.

[22:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:33] So,

[22:33] so,

[22:34] so,

[22:34] Randolph,

[22:35] the crossbow guy,

[22:36] he reports to the,

[22:37] to the abbot

[22:38] and the abbot,

[22:39] he's like,

[22:40] hey,

[22:40] this,

[22:40] no,

[22:40] I was at,

[22:41] I happened to be at this convent

[22:42] and this,

[22:43] and the head nun got kidnapped.

[22:44] What do I do?

[22:45] I'm just a guy with one hand

[22:47] and a cross,

[22:47] and a magic machine crossbow.

[22:48] And the abbot says,

[22:50] get Hawk.

[22:51] He's done work for us before.

S4

[22:52] And that,

[22:53] that sequence,

[22:54] I remember because

[22:55] the abbot was on fire

[22:56] the whole time.

[22:57] Like,

[22:57] they shot him in a way

[22:58] that there was a fire

[22:59] underneath him

[23:00] the whole time.

[23:01] So he looked like

[23:02] he was literally

[23:03] standing in a fire

[23:04] the whole time,

[23:05] which looked uncomfortable.

[23:06] And he's like,

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] you need to find this one man

[23:09] and his name is Hawk.

[23:11] And then that's when

[23:12] I raised my fists in the air.

[23:13] I put down the Warhammer miniatures

[23:15] I was painting

[23:16] and I put my fists in the air

[23:17] and started chanting

[23:18] Hawk over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[23:20] Yeah.

[23:20] Hawk,

[23:21] Hawk,

[23:21] just like in the Mighty Ducks,

[23:22] but Hawk instead of Quack.

[23:24] I will mention that

[23:25] the high abbot

[23:26] is played by the actor

[23:28] Harry Andrews,

[23:29] who was in a very great movie

[23:30] called The Hill

[23:31] with Sean Connery.

[23:32] So it's a much better movie

[23:34] than this.

[23:35] But this is a,

[23:35] this is pretty fun.

[23:36] It's less fun than this,

[23:37] but it's better.

[23:38] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[23:38] There's some great British

[23:39] character actors that show up

[23:40] and I hope we highlight them

[23:42] as they come.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] Oh,

[23:42] we will.

[23:43] When the innkeeper showed up

[23:44] and I was like,

[23:45] I know that innkeeper.

[23:46] We'll get to him for sure.

[23:48] And speaking of

[23:48] great British actors

[23:49] that we're going to highlight,

[23:51] Hawk is riding through

[23:51] the woods for a while.

[23:52] It's not time for the main adventure,

[23:54] time for the introductory quest.

[23:55] A woman is about to be burned

[23:57] by two brigands

[23:58] at the stake as a witch.

[23:59] And this is something

[24:00] Hawk does a lot,

[24:01] which is ride through the woods

[24:02] until he comes across

[24:03] an injustice

[24:03] and then kill all the bad guys.

[24:06] And he meant,

S4

[24:07] They murder a lot of people

[24:08] for being good guys,

[24:10] quote unquote.

[24:10] There's a lot of murder.

[24:12] Civilian murder.

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] Tons of murder.

[24:13] And something that I wasn't ready for,

[24:15] but which I found kind of refreshing,

[24:17] was how stern and humorless Hawk is.

[24:19] I'm so used to like,

[24:21] your Chris Pratt

[24:21] or like,

[24:22] you know,

[24:23] Robert Downey Jr. type heroes

[24:24] in these big movies

[24:25] now these days.

[24:26] To have a hero

[24:27] who is so incredibly humorless

[24:29] and just is like,

[24:30] yes,

[24:31] well,

[24:31] stop that

[24:32] or I'll kill you.

[24:33] Okay,

[24:34] killing you now.

[24:35] Hmm,

[24:35] we're not paying the ransom.

[24:36] It wouldn't be worth it.

[24:37] Voltan must die.

[24:39] It was like,

[24:39] wow,

[24:39] this guy's not even trying to entertain.

Dan McCoy

[24:41] Especially considering

[24:43] he has that cool,

[24:44] like Han Solo kind of vest

[24:46] that he wears around.

Stuart Wellington

[24:48] And guys,

[24:49] do you think,

[24:49] do you think I'd look cool

[24:51] if I had a Hawk the Slayer haircut?

S4

[24:53] Oh boy.

[24:54] It's like,

[24:55] it was like a bowl

[24:56] was put on the front

[24:57] to get the bangs

[24:58] and then it's a party in the back.

[25:02] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[25:02] A Hawk party.

[25:03] Well,

[25:03] when I go,

[25:04] yeah,

[25:04] when I go to my stylist,

[25:05] I'll say,

[25:06] okay,

[25:07] first put a bowl on my head.

[25:09] Now push it back a little bit.

S4

[25:11] Yeah,

[25:12] it needs to be a super high bang line.

[25:13] Like,

[25:14] ugh.

Dan McCoy

[25:14] No,

[25:15] take the soup out first.

[25:17] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] Or don't,

[25:18] if that's the secret.

[25:20] Mm-hmm.

[25:20] To what?

[25:21] To style it?

[25:22] Silky hair?

[25:22] Yeah,

[25:22] to soft silky hair

[25:23] is minestrone.

[25:25] So he's going to say,

[25:26] there's a long stare down,

[25:28] very long stare down.

[25:29] That's where that spaghetti western aspect

[25:30] comes in,

[25:31] between Hawk and this bad guy.

[25:32] Then there's a sword fight,

[25:33] and he saves this witch.

[25:34] This witch is played by Patricia Quinn.

[25:37] That's right,

[25:37] from iClaudius.

[25:38] Did I interview her

[25:39] on the MaxFun podcast,

[25:40] iPodius?

[25:41] Yes,

[25:42] I did.

[25:42] Wow.

[25:42] So that's another little connection.

[25:44] iClaudius is Patricia Quinn,

[25:46] playing here the blind witch

[25:47] who can see all,

[25:48] and has magic hula hoops later in.

[25:50] So that's iPodius,

[25:52] hosted by me and John Hedgman

[25:53] on Maximum Fun.

[25:54] iPodius,

Dan McCoy

[25:54] wherever podcasts are sold.

[25:55] A lot of unpaid

[25:56] for advertisements here.

[25:57] Hey,

[25:58] who was she in iClaudius?

[26:01] She was Lovilla.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] She was the,

[26:03] she was the one

[26:04] who was in love with Sejanus,

[26:07] Patrick Stewart's character,

[26:08] and,

[26:09] and goes,

[26:10] goes crazy with evil,

[26:12] and is,

[26:13] gets her comeuppance,

[26:15] but she's really great in it.

Stuart Wellington

[26:17] Just like,

[26:17] when she was Magenta

[26:18] in Rocky Horror Picture Show,

[26:19] right?

[26:20] Yes,

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] I guess most people would know her

[26:21] as Magenta in Rocky Horror Picture Show,

[26:22] sure,

[26:22] but,

[26:23] but I don't have a podcast

[26:25] to promote off of that,

[26:26] whereas,

[26:27] she did play,

[26:28] Lovilla,

[26:29] where I interviewed her.

[26:30] So,

[26:31] the witch is like,

[26:32] hey,

[26:32] someone's looking for you.

[26:34] I know these things,

[26:35] because I'm,

[26:36] even though I told those guys

[26:37] I'm not a witch,

[26:37] and I was just trying to cure their pig,

[26:38] I am actually a witch.

[26:40] He rides through the woods

[26:41] for a while,

[26:42] past a lot of bones,

[26:43] there's a lot of half dissolves,

[26:44] like said,

[26:44] and finally,

[26:45] Ranulf is,

[26:47] has had a run in with some brigands,

[26:49] and they're about to kill him

[26:50] with a hatchet throwing competition.

Stuart Wellington

[26:52] It's lousy with brigands

[26:54] around these parts,

[26:55] right?

[26:55] It was a dark time,

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] where the woods were full of brigands,

[26:58] and there were no towns or villages.

[26:59] Later on,

[27:00] they go to a blacksmith

[27:01] who just seems to have a stall

[27:02] in the middle of the woods.

S4

[27:03] In the middle of the woods,

[27:04] yeah.

[27:04] I think they shot in one half acre,

[27:06] and they just kind of twirled

[27:08] the camera around,

[27:09] twirled it around.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] They were like,

[27:10] It's the sort of thing

[27:11] where you like,

[27:12] you toggle onto your map,

[27:13] and then you're like,

[27:14] I guess I'll put a fucking waypoint

[27:15] out here?

[27:16] It's not near a town.

[27:18] Can I fast travel

[27:20] off of that bone?

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] So what left,

[27:24] well,

[27:24] I guess I'll check in on Foursquare

[27:25] at tree with bone next to it.

[27:30] That's the business now.

[27:31] He saves Ranulf,

[27:32] and Ranulf is like,

[27:32] Oh, you're Hawk.

[27:33] I've been looking for you.

[27:34] I've got a mission for you.

[27:35] Meanwhile,

[27:36] Voltan is terrorizing

[27:37] a bunch of people.

[27:38] I think this is the scene

[27:39] where his son calls a guy a dork,

[27:42] which I thought was hilarious.

[27:44] Amazing.

S4

[27:45] It was amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:47] This is,

[27:47] they're angering some guys

[27:49] at an inn,

[27:50] and the innkeeper,

[27:51] I was like,

[27:51] I know that guy,

[27:52] and I looked it up,

[27:53] and that's the actor Roy Kinnear,

[27:54] best known as Veruca Salt's dad

[27:55] from Willy Wonka

[27:56] and the Chocolate Factory.

S4

[27:57] Oh, wow.

[27:58] That's where I recognize him from.

[27:59] I recognize a lot of these people,

[28:01] but I didn't really know.

[28:02] They're those kind of

[28:02] kind of character actors.

[28:03] You're like,

[28:03] Oh, I saw that face,

[28:04] but I don't really know

[28:05] what their name is.

Elliott Kalan

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:06] He was in a lot of stuff,

[28:07] but that's the thing

[28:08] I've known best from,

[28:09] certainly.

Dan McCoy

[28:09] Yeah, I was going to say,

[28:10] that's definitely the big one

[28:12] people,

[28:12] especially of our age,

[28:13] would know him from,

[28:14] but he also was in Help,

[28:16] the Beatles film.

[28:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Now, would you call that

[28:20] the Beatles' best film?

Dan McCoy

[28:22] No, I would not,

[28:23] but it's pretty good.

[28:24] It is overshadowed.

[28:25] It is overshadowed by the fact

[28:27] that A Hard Day's Night

[28:28] is a masterpiece,

[28:29] but Help has a lot

[28:30] of funny stuff in it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] Help is fairly racist,

[28:33] as I learned when I was

[28:34] re-watching it with Sammy recently.

[28:35] I was like,

[28:36] I was like,

[28:37] oh, there's a lot of

[28:37] English people playing

[28:38] Indian assassins in this,

[28:40] but, you know.

[28:41] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] Although it does have

[28:42] Leo McKern TV's Rumpel in it,

[28:45] which is one of the series.

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] I know him best as

[28:48] number two from The Prisoner,

[28:50] or one of many number twos.

[28:52] But anyway,

[28:52] so Voltan really terrorizes

[28:55] Rukasalt's dad,

[28:56] and they kill some people.

[28:57] And Voltan,

[28:58] it's unclear what his power is.

[29:00] At first,

[29:01] he seems to be kind of like

[29:02] the Dark Lord

[29:03] who rules over this land,

[29:04] but other times,

[29:05] he has to keep introducing

[29:05] himself to strangers

[29:06] and threatening them

[29:07] to get them to respect him.

[29:09] So there are two people eating,

[29:11] and Drogo is like,

[29:12] stop eating and stand

[29:13] when Voltan is here.

[29:14] And they're like,

[29:15] who?

[29:15] I'm eating right now.

[29:17] I hate when that happens.

[29:19] They mention that they're slavers,

[29:21] and they'll come in later.

[29:22] So that's good foreshadowing.

[29:23] We have a flashback

[29:24] to Hawk's Wedding Day.

S4

[29:26] This looks like a douche commercial.

[29:28] Yes.

[29:28] Like a full-on douche commercial.

[29:30] It's white.

[29:31] There's like this

[29:32] very badly makeup.

[29:34] The woman has the worst makeup

[29:35] I've ever seen in my life.

[29:37] It's like a child

[29:38] got like an eyeshadow palette

[29:41] and just smeared it on her face.

[29:43] It's really bad.

[29:44] I feel bad for this actress.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] That actress is Catriona McCall,

[29:48] who was in a bunch of

[29:49] like Lucio Fulci movies.

[29:51] She was in a lot of

[29:51] Italian horror movies.

[29:53] Yeah, cool.

[29:54] But it's,

[29:55] she doesn't get much to do here

[29:56] other than to

[29:58] profess her undying love to Hawk,

[30:00] although apparently

[30:00] she used to be

[30:01] Voltan's girlfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[30:03] I love it so much.

[30:04] Yeah.

[30:04] She's like,

[30:05] oh, we're just friends, dude.

[30:07] Yeah, she totally

S4

[30:08] friend zones Voltan

[30:09] in this scene.

[30:11] And it's like,

[30:11] I just married your brother.

Stuart Wellington

[30:14] He's complaining that

[30:15] while he was at war,

[30:16] his younger brother was,

[30:17] you know,

[30:18] like using his silver tongue.

[30:20] But I'm like,

[30:20] I don't know, dude.

[30:21] You're really old

[30:22] and look like a skeleton.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] I wanted Hawk to be like,

[30:26] wait, you mean your daughter, right?

[30:27] Like I'm marrying your daughter.

[30:29] But the,

[30:30] I mean,

[30:31] so Voltan is like,

[30:33] hey,

[30:34] Lady Alien was supposed to be mine.

[30:36] And it's weird to bring that up

[30:37] on the wedding day.

[30:38] You'd think you'd bring it up

[30:38] before the actual day

[30:40] of the wedding.

[30:42] Voltan runs off

[30:43] after saying

[30:43] she should be his.

[30:44] And she gives Hawk

[30:46] a little charm

[30:47] for protection,

[30:48] which is kind of like,

[30:49] what,

[30:49] Celtic cross almost?

[30:51] Mm-hmm.

S4

[30:52] And we'll find-

[30:52] But it does come into play later.

[30:54] It is,

[30:54] like somebody did some work

[30:55] on the screenplay

[30:56] because it's like,

[30:56] oh,

[30:56] that plays in later,

[30:57] much later.

[30:58] Oh, yeah.

[30:59] But it does.

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] Everything they plant

[31:00] has a payoff,

[31:01] mostly.

[31:01] Yep.

[31:03] They travel through,

[31:04] anyway,

[31:05] Hawk and Ranulf,

[31:08] they go,

[31:08] he's like,

[31:09] we're gonna have to travel

[31:09] through the haunted forest

[31:10] of Weir to get my compatriots

[31:12] for our fighting party.

[31:14] And it's fine.

[31:15] It's just like,

[31:16] it's like they're riding

[31:17] on horseback

[31:18] through like a haunted house

[31:19] forest because like

[31:19] little puppet-

[31:20] There's a little toad

S4

[31:21] that looks like

[31:22] Baby Yoda did a lot of meth

[31:24] and it just keeps popping up

[31:25] as a puppet.

[31:26] Yeah.

[31:26] Like they cut to this

[31:27] little Baby Yoda meth kid

[31:29] and then they're out of it.

[31:31] It takes like five seconds

[31:33] for them to go through

[31:33] this haunted house woods

[31:35] which I love more than anything.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] It really,

[31:38] the build up for the

[31:39] haunted house woods,

[31:39] I think it takes

[31:40] almost as much time

[31:42] as the actual haunted house woods.

[31:43] Yep.

[31:43] And they never get off

[31:44] their horses

[31:44] and it's almost,

[31:46] he's like,

[31:46] I hope you're not afraid

[31:47] of being looked at

[31:48] by a gross puppet

[31:49] because that's what

[31:50] we're about to experience.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] There's only one puppet

[31:53] but we're gonna show it

[31:54] a lot of times

[31:55] in different parts

[31:56] of the woods.

Elliott Kalan

[31:57] And they,

[31:59] when they're on the forest

[32:00] they're back to the witch.

[32:02] Kind of,

[32:02] I don't know why

[32:03] they had to take

[32:03] so much time to get to her.

[32:04] And she takes them

[32:06] to her magic cave

[32:07] where she's gonna transport

[32:09] Hawk to get each of the members

[32:11] of his fighting party,

[32:12] his old buddies.

[32:13] Now,

[32:14] which of you guys

[32:15] wants to describe

[32:15] her method of teleportation?

[32:17] What it looks like

[32:17] and how it works?

Dan McCoy

[32:18] Is that the two

[32:19] spinning hula hoops?

[32:22] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] Magic hula hoop magic.

Dan McCoy

[32:24] Yeah,

[32:24] they're spinning

[32:26] sort of like,

[32:27] imagine like one hula hoop

[32:28] when it stops spinning

[32:29] like on the ground

[32:30] and is kind of like,

[32:32] like going around

[32:32] on its edges,

[32:34] sort of gyroscope style.

[32:36] Like now put two of them

[32:37] together on top of each other.

[32:38] And then make it like

S4

[32:39] neon colors

[32:40] because that's completely

[32:41] appropriate for medieval.

[32:43] I think neon is the color palette

Stuart Wellington

[32:45] of magic in this movie

[32:46] as you'll see

[32:47] like in the big climax.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] Yeah.

[32:50] Magic looks a lot like

[32:52] stormtrooper lasers

[32:53] in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] Or alternate looks like

[32:56] someone is throwing

[32:57] glowing bouncy balls

[32:58] through a door

[32:58] from off camera.

[33:01] It's the hula hoop magic.

[33:03] The hula hoop magic

[33:04] looks like like a,

[33:05] like if you had a science

[33:07] museum for kids

[33:07] where they're like,

[33:08] inertia can keep

[33:09] this hula hoop standing up

[33:10] as long as it's moving.

[33:12] That's what it reminded me of.

[33:13] Okay.

[33:13] So she sends him individually

[33:15] to get each of the three

[33:17] members of the party.

[33:17] There is Gort,

[33:18] a giant,

[33:20] who's pretty tall,

[33:21] I guess.

[33:22] He's not like giant,

[33:24] giant.

Stuart Wellington

[33:24] And he's played by the guy

[33:26] who played the Cyclops

[33:27] in Kroll.

[33:29] Is it the same guy?

S4

[33:30] Oh, wow.

[33:31] That guy's been in

[33:32] some awesome stuff.

[33:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:35] And so he is,

[33:36] and we meet him

[33:38] as he is fixing

[33:39] a merchant's wagon

[33:41] and then the merchant

[33:42] won't pay him.

[33:42] So he breaks the merchant's

[33:44] wagon wheel again.

[33:45] And he carries a big hammer

[33:47] that I think is supposed

[33:47] to look heavy,

[33:48] but it's, you know,

[33:49] it's very clearly made out

[33:50] of a very light

[33:51] balsa-y material.

[33:53] And Hawk shows up

[33:54] and is like,

[33:55] hey, come with me.

[33:56] We got an adventure.

[33:57] And they,

[33:58] and he, wait,

[33:58] but he kills a bunch

[33:59] of people too,

[33:59] the giant, right?

S4

[34:00] Yeah, there's a lot

[34:01] of just murder

[34:02] let's go be good guys.

[34:03] Like, just sequence

[34:05] after sequence,

[34:05] just civilians

[34:06] and brigands

[34:07] who are mildly

[34:08] maybe chaotic neutral,

[34:10] but they're dead.

[34:11] They die.

Stuart Wellington

[34:11] Yeah, there's a feeling

[34:12] of like,

[34:13] after a couple situations,

[34:15] you're like,

[34:16] I think you're looking

[34:17] for fights, guys.

[34:18] Like, I think you're

[34:19] trying to make this happen.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] Yeah, they're not,

[34:22] they're certainly

[34:22] not de-escalating.

[34:24] That's for sure.

[34:25] Nope.

[34:25] There's a point

[34:27] where Voltan

[34:27] is kind of the lesser

[34:28] of two evils

[34:29] where you're like,

[34:29] okay, I guess Hawk

[34:30] is mildly better.

[34:31] But then he goes

[34:32] to my favorite member

[34:33] of the group.

[34:34] That's right.

[34:35] It's Crow,

[34:36] which Wikipedia

[34:36] describes as

[34:37] a reticent elf.

[34:38] So reticent.

[34:40] He wears kind of

[34:42] like a stitched together

[34:42] leather red hoodie.

S4

[34:44] It looks like pepperoni

[34:46] or maybe the inside

[34:47] of a skid human.

[34:48] I can't tell.

[34:49] It's the most repulsive

[34:50] texture on his armor

[34:54] and I just love it.

[34:55] I love it.

[34:55] And he is my favorite

[34:56] character ever.

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] He is so,

[34:58] they're clearly going

[34:59] for like last of his kind

[35:01] brooding figure,

[35:03] but mainly what he does,

[35:04] he sits there

[35:05] and he examines

[35:05] arrow points

[35:06] he's just had made

[35:07] for a long time.

[35:08] He's challenged

[35:09] to an archery contest,

[35:10] which duh,

[35:10] he wins,

[35:11] but he's just,

[35:12] he's a super fast bowman

[35:13] hanging out at the forest

[35:15] blacksmith.

[35:16] Just look,

[35:16] he's like the kid

[35:17] who hangs up

[35:18] out at the skate shop

[35:19] just looking at the new boards.

Stuart Wellington

[35:20] Is that,

[35:20] is that more of a blacksmith

[35:22] or a guy who makes bows?

[35:24] That's right.

[35:24] He's probably a Fletcher.

[35:25] A bowyer?

[35:26] A bowyer?

[35:26] No, a Fletcher makes arrows.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] But he's making arrows.

[35:29] He's giving,

[35:29] he's making arrowheads.

[35:30] But somebody who makes bows

[35:32] is what, a bowyer?

[35:33] A bowyer.

[35:34] A bowyer?

[35:34] A Chadwick Boseman.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] And this,

[35:37] this raises a good point,

[35:38] which is,

[35:39] did Jessica Fletcher

[35:40] make arrows?

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] Very good question.

[35:43] And yes,

[35:43] that's what she murdered people with.

[35:44] Okay.

[35:45] And then she'd write about it.

[35:46] Yeah.

[35:46] All right.

[35:47] Now that's,

[35:47] I knew,

[35:48] I worked with someone once

[35:49] and they had two children

[35:49] named Piper and Cooper

[35:51] and they were having

[35:52] a third child

[35:52] and I so wanted them

[35:53] to name them Fletcher.

[35:54] So all their children

[35:55] would be named

[35:55] after medieval tradecraft.

[35:57] But they did not.

[35:59] Disappointing.

[35:59] Wheelwright?

Dan McCoy

[36:02] That famous surname,

[36:03] Wheelwright.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] He wins this archery contest.

[36:08] Nobody I think is,

[36:09] oh no,

[36:09] one person is killed.

[36:11] And Hawk comes by

[36:13] and they're trying

[36:14] to hustle this elf

[36:16] dude,

[36:16] don't try to hustle

[36:17] an elf wearing

[36:18] a pepperoni hoodie

[36:19] in an archery contest.

[36:21] Like that goes

[36:22] without saying.

[36:23] The minute he pulls

[36:24] back his hood

[36:25] and you see his elf ears,

[36:26] you should be like,

[36:26] oh, I'm sorry, sir.

[36:27] I don't want to trouble you.

Dan McCoy

[36:29] Just like Vizzini said,

[36:30] that's one of the

[36:30] classic plunders.

Elliott Kalan

[36:33] And the final member

[36:34] of the group

[36:35] is Baldin,

[36:36] a jokey dwarf

[36:37] who we see,

[36:38] he's about to be sacrificed

[36:39] in a Viking funeral pyre

[36:41] by this.

[36:42] By Hare Krishnas, right?

[36:43] By this kind of

[36:44] Hare Krishni cult

[36:45] and he gets saved.

[36:47] His special ability

[36:48] is he has a whip

[36:49] which he does not use

[36:50] to save himself.

[36:51] Hawk saves him.

[36:52] Instead he whips a fish

[36:53] out of the river

[36:54] and then eats it whole.

[36:55] Just sticks it in his mouth.

[36:56] Eats it whole.

S4

[36:57] He eats all,

[36:57] I mean,

[36:58] it's really the sexiest thing

[36:59] I've ever seen

[36:59] an actor do.

[37:00] This dwarf actor

[37:03] whip the water,

[37:05] take a whole cod

[37:06] or whatever,

[37:07] trout,

[37:07] and just like,

[37:08] like a dolphin,

[37:09] eat it.

[37:10] I was just like,

[37:11] wow,

[37:11] there's no point

[37:12] at which in this movie

[37:13] I can calm down

[37:14] because I'm always surprised

[37:15] by something that happens.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] Oh, yeah.

[37:17] You have to be like,

[37:18] so does he have his teeth

[37:18] in his throat?

[37:19] Like, what's going on?

[37:20] Or is it like

[37:20] when Heathcliff

[37:21] would take a whole fish

[37:22] and put his mouth

[37:23] and then pull the bones out?

Stuart Wellington

[37:24] He was like,

[37:25] in his audition,

[37:26] they're like,

[37:26] I see that you can't,

[37:28] you didn't list stage combat.

[37:29] Do you have any other skills

[37:30] that might be useful

[37:31] for this role?

[37:33] funny you should ask.

[37:34] And he pulls a fish out.

Dan McCoy

[37:35] I see that I brought

[37:36] a cooler with me today.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] The five heroes,

[37:43] they've been assembled.

[37:44] They're all,

[37:45] Patricia Quinn

[37:46] got them all together

[37:47] and she's like,

[37:49] well,

[37:49] they only paid me

[37:50] for so much time

[37:50] in this movie.

[37:51] I'll be back later.

[37:52] Time for you

[37:52] to go to the convent.

[37:53] They go to the convent

[37:54] to find out

[37:54] what the mission is.

[37:55] They've got to save

[37:56] the head Abbas.

[37:58] There's another flashback

[37:59] in which

[37:59] Elyon dies

[38:01] saving Hawk

[38:02] from Voltan.

[38:03] Voltan throws,

[38:04] what,

[38:04] a dagger at him

[38:05] and she gets

[38:05] in the way of it?

[38:07] I think he shoots her

[38:08] with a crossbow,

[38:09] actually.

[38:09] Oh,

[38:10] right.

[38:10] I forgot.

[38:10] It's all crossbows

[38:11] all the time.

[38:12] It's just full crossbows.

[38:14] We get a scene where,

[38:15] a very prolonged scene,

[38:17] where the giant

[38:17] is going to eat

[38:18] a whole chicken

[38:19] and the-

S4

[38:19] It's the longest dialogue

[38:21] in the whole scene.

[38:22] In the whole movie.

[38:23] It's the longest movie.

[38:24] I was like,

[38:25] is this still going on

[38:26] where the dwarf

[38:26] is tricking the giant

[38:29] to give him his chicken,

[38:30] which is clearly

[38:31] like a Cornish hen.

[38:32] Yeah.

[38:32] But it just does not end.

[38:34] It's like,

[38:35] this is the fun,

[38:35] the director thought,

[38:36] this is the funniest scene

[38:37] we've ever done.

[38:38] We're going to let them

[38:39] just riff.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] Well,

[38:41] just,

[38:41] people are going to be

[38:42] talking for years

[38:43] about the dwarf

[38:44] tricking the giant

[38:45] out of his chicken,

[38:46] the chicken trick scene.

[38:47] The famous

[38:47] Hawk to Slayer

[38:48] chicken trick scene.

[38:49] And it goes on

[38:50] for a long time,

[38:51] but luckily the dwarf

[38:52] manages to pull it off

[38:53] and he does eat that chicken

[38:54] and he eats it

[38:55] with just as much grace

[38:57] and elegance

[38:57] as he ate that fish

[38:58] earlier.

[39:01] Just shoving it

[39:02] into his face

[39:03] and hoping some of the meat

[39:04] gets to his mouth.

[39:06] They're like,

[39:07] okay,

[39:08] Voltan asked for a ransom.

[39:09] Where are we going to get

[39:10] the money for this ransom?

[39:11] And there's a nun there

[39:12] who does not like

[39:13] Hawk and his pals.

[39:14] She knows that they're trouble.

[39:16] Maybe word got to her

[39:17] about how many people

[39:18] they murdered

[39:18] on the way

[39:19] to the convent.

[39:20] But they're like,

[39:21] we got to get some money

[39:21] and you know what?

[39:22] Maybe we'll cause some trouble

[39:23] at the same time.

[39:24] So they go to the river

[39:26] where the slavers are

[39:27] and kill all these people

[39:29] and free their slaves,

[39:30] which is a bunch of guys

[39:31] in very surprisingly

[39:33] skimpy loincloths.

[39:36] And for no reason at all

[39:37] they set up,

[39:38] the giant sets up

[39:38] like a torture trap

[39:39] for one of the guys.

S4

[39:40] I was like,

[39:41] who is the bad guy here?

[39:42] They murder 30 people here.

[39:44] They let the slavers go

[39:46] and then they put

[39:46] like a flail

[39:47] over this bad guy's face

[39:49] and then his head

[39:50] gets crushed in

[39:51] and then they do

[39:51] like a quip

[39:52] and I'm like,

[39:52] are these,

[39:53] do I like these people?

[39:54] Not really.

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] No,

[39:56] no,

[39:56] they're tough guys

[39:57] but it was a tough time again.

[39:58] This is a tough time

[39:58] when Voltan

[39:59] was ruling the airwaves

[40:01] and everybody

[40:02] was doing the hawk.

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] I do like

[40:05] that the lead slaver guy

[40:07] who were introduced

[40:08] to like spilling food

[40:10] out of his mouth,

[40:12] I like that even

[40:13] at the end,

[40:14] even when he's face to face

[40:15] with a giant,

[40:16] he's like,

[40:17] I think I could still win.

S4

[40:18] Yeah,

[40:19] he has a lot of pluck

[40:20] that slaver.

Elliott Kalan

[40:21] So I took,

[40:23] only I'm now looking up

[40:24] because I forgot

[40:25] to look this up earlier.

[40:25] So the man who plays

[40:26] Hawk and Voltan's father,

[40:28] the actor Ferdy Main,

[40:29] he was three years older

[40:30] than Jack Palance.

[40:31] So I was wrong earlier

[40:32] when I said Jack Palance

[40:33] looked older.

[40:33] He's not the oldest person

[40:34] then maybe,

[40:34] yeah.

[40:35] No,

[40:35] no,

[40:35] and when he was three

[40:35] he had a child

[40:36] and that child

[40:37] was Jack Palance

[40:38] and he was in,

[40:38] a surprising number

[40:39] of actors in this movie

[40:40] were in Barry Lyndon.

[40:42] I guess because there's

[40:43] a lot of English actors

[40:43] in Barry Lyndon.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] Have we reached the point

[40:45] also,

[40:47] I'm sorry,

[40:47] where the actor

[40:49] who played Hercule

[40:52] in A Shot in the Dark

[40:54] is in the movie?

[40:56] I don't remember.

[40:57] As an older man,

[40:58] yeah.

[41:00] Apparently this actor,

[41:00] I looked him up

[41:01] after that,

[41:02] the facts,

[41:02] like the guy

[41:03] who played Hercule

[41:03] was actually in

[41:04] more Pink Panther movies

[41:06] than Peter Sellers

[41:07] because he was in

[41:07] one of the posthumous

[41:08] Pink Panther films.

[41:09] He was a friend

[41:10] of Peter Sellers

[41:10] from the old days

[41:12] and he was in makeup

[41:14] for a lot of the other,

[41:15] like he's the innkeeper

[41:16] who's like,

[41:17] the does your dog bite scene.

[41:20] Oh,

[41:20] okay.

[41:22] So,

[41:22] he's also in this movie.

[41:24] I can't remember

[41:24] as whom though.

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] And I think a few

[41:27] of these actors

[41:28] were in episodes

[41:29] of Doctor Who.

Elliott Kalan

[41:31] Oh,

[41:31] so you're talking

[41:33] about Graham Stark.

[41:34] Yes.

[41:35] Who played Hercule.

[41:36] So he's,

[41:36] yeah,

[41:37] he plays a character

[41:38] named Sparrow

[41:39] who I don't remember

[41:40] who that is

[41:41] in the movie.

[41:44] But yeah,

[41:45] he's,

[41:45] that's right.

[41:46] You know what?

[41:46] I didn't recognize him

[41:47] and I should have

[41:49] because I love those movies.

[41:51] Oh,

[41:51] right.

[41:51] Okay.

[41:52] But that's besides the point.

[41:53] I can't feel too bad about it

[41:54] because they've got their money.

[41:55] They,

[41:56] they are,

[41:57] they killed a bunch of people

[41:58] but Voltan's son Drogo,

[42:00] his blood is up.

[42:00] He's like,

[42:01] I want to go on more raids.

[42:02] I want to go leave.

[42:03] I should be doing stuff

[42:04] instead of just hanging out

[42:05] in this tent

[42:06] with you,

[42:07] my dad,

[42:07] Voltan,

[42:07] and this nun you're keeping

[42:08] in a cage

[42:09] in the corner of your tent.

[42:10] Very strange.

[42:11] Like,

[42:11] it's like a big dog carrier cage.

[42:13] Yeah.

[42:14] And Voltan threatens him

[42:15] and I can't remember

[42:16] exactly why he threatened him.

[42:17] He's just irritated

[42:18] that his,

[42:19] that his son was just

[42:20] talking back to him.

S4

[42:21] I just was,

[42:22] I was distracted

[42:22] because it looked like anthropology.

[42:24] He really decorated

[42:25] the interior of that tent

[42:26] with anthropology.

[42:26] Even the cage looks like

[42:27] anthropology chic.

[42:28] Oh yeah.

[42:29] So I kind of like that scene.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Very flowy.

[42:31] A lot of,

[42:31] a lot of flowy kind of like.

S4

[42:32] A lot of bold patterns.

[42:33] Yes,

[42:34] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] And the nun is like,

[42:37] you know,

[42:37] I can cure your face.

[42:38] At this point,

[42:39] I was like,

[42:40] oh,

[42:40] his face was the problem

[42:41] because he's covered,

[42:42] he's got this helmet

[42:43] that covers most of his face.

[42:45] And it,

[42:45] but the first time you see

[42:46] that wizard shooting lasers at him,

[42:47] it's not really that clear

[42:48] what he's doing.

[42:49] He's helping him in some way.

[42:51] But he goes,

[42:52] it's impossible.

[42:52] I've tried.

[42:53] It can only,

[42:54] I can only have the pain taken away

[42:55] and that only temporarily.

[42:57] And then Voltan's son is like,

[43:00] what?

[43:00] Hawk stopped all those slavers?

[43:02] Hold on.

[43:03] I've got a plan.

[43:04] Cut to Voltan

[43:05] just getting lasers

[43:06] shot into his face

[43:07] by that wizard's fingers.

[43:08] Like it's,

[43:09] and every time Voltan is like,

[43:11] ah,

[43:11] like it clearly hurts him

[43:12] to have the treatment.

[43:14] So,

[43:16] maybe he should have had the nun try it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:17] I do the same thing

[43:18] every time I go to the gym,

[43:19] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:21] Screaming.

[43:22] Just screaming.

[43:23] Hawk and his dudes plan

[43:24] what they're going to do.

[43:26] They are not going to pay the ransom.

[43:28] That's for sure.

[43:28] Because they're like,

[43:29] if we pay the ransom,

[43:30] then Voltan's just going to kill

[43:31] the nun anyway.

[43:32] So we might as well

[43:33] just not do it

[43:34] and make Voltan come here.

[43:35] And the nuns are like,

[43:36] can you please save our abbess?

[43:38] Which I think was the quest

[43:39] that you were given.

[43:40] And Hawk is so...

[43:41] And why did you kill

S4

[43:41] all those slavers

[43:42] to get all the money

[43:43] when you're not even going

[43:44] to do anything with the money?

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] Yeah.

[43:45] And it's,

[43:46] that's a very good point.

[43:47] And Hawk at this point

[43:48] is clear that his larger mission

[43:49] is to stop Voltan.

[43:50] He doesn't really care

[43:51] who he hurts in the process.

S4

[43:52] And the only thing I remember

[43:52] is that every time

[43:53] you go to the inn,

[43:55] it looks like there,

[43:56] it's like some kind of like

[43:57] open just trough of food.

[44:00] There was like a huge thing

[44:00] of small chickens and celery.

[44:02] Like it doesn't feel like,

[44:04] you know,

[44:05] a place of worship.

[44:06] It just feels like

[44:07] kind of a bad,

[44:08] you know,

[44:09] restaurant.

[44:10] Because there's just tables

[44:11] there the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] Yeah.

[44:12] Like a dining hall.

[44:13] I don't know where the nuns

[44:15] like say prayers

[44:16] unless it's during meals.

[44:18] Since,

[44:18] yeah,

[44:18] it just seems to be a place

[44:19] that nuns serve,

[44:20] barely serve food.

[44:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:22] If you were nuns

[44:23] who were trying to keep

[44:25] the place you say prayers,

[44:27] separate from where

[44:28] the murderers are,

[44:30] I would probably just

[44:31] keep them corralled

[44:32] near the food trough.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] That's a good point.

[44:34] They're not going to ask

[44:35] a lot of questions.

[44:36] Speaking of food,

[44:37] the dwarf tricks the giant

[44:38] with food talk again.

[44:40] And I can't remember

[44:41] if this is where

[44:42] he tricks him out of food

[44:43] or he tricks him

[44:44] into not eating

[44:45] his mixed nuts

[44:46] in a bag that he keeps.

[44:47] Maybe that's later.

[44:48] This is the running gag

[44:51] throughout is that

[44:51] Balden is constantly

[44:54] tricking Gort

[44:55] out of his food.

[44:56] The bad guys,

[44:57] they finally attack

[44:58] the convent.

[44:58] Drogo goes to get

[44:59] the ransom

[45:00] and he steals it.

[45:02] The good guys end up

[45:03] killing most of the bad guys

[45:04] but the nuns

[45:05] are real unhappy.

[45:06] that was not helpful.

[45:07] Why are you doing this?

[45:09] She is not happy

[45:10] with what's going on.

[45:11] Drogo goes back

[45:12] to Voltan

[45:13] and dies

[45:14] in Voltan's arms.

[45:15] And Voltan is so sad

[45:17] that he orders

[45:18] his henchmen

[45:18] to fight him

[45:19] so that he can kill them

[45:20] as kind of like

[45:21] a sacrifice

[45:22] to Drogo's honor.

[45:23] It's very strange.

[45:25] It doesn't make any sense.

[45:27] And his henchmen

[45:27] are looking at each other

[45:28] like,

[45:29] was this part of the job

[45:30] when I started?

[45:31] Hold on a second.

[45:32] Do we have to do this?

Stuart Wellington

[45:33] Toxic masculinity, guys.

[45:35] It really is.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] Well, nobody

[45:37] stopped Voltan

[45:39] when they could

[45:40] when he first started

[45:41] this behavior

[45:41] and now he thinks

[45:42] he can get away

[45:42] with anything.

[45:43] It's just not fair.

[45:45] And he talks later

[45:46] about how like

[45:47] no women would be with me

[45:49] dude, maybe that's your fault.

[45:50] Maybe that's not

[45:51] on anyone but you.

S4

[45:52] Maybe it's not

[45:53] your weird pussy eye.

[45:54] Okay?

[45:55] Maybe it's your behavior.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] Like, it's the Middle Ages.

[45:57] Have you seen

[45:58] the other people

[45:58] in this movie?

[45:59] It is not

[46:00] a fleet of dreamboats.

[46:02] I think you could,

[46:03] if you had worked

[46:03] on your personality,

[46:04] I think you could have

[46:05] made it work

[46:05] with somebody.

[46:07] Voltan goes,

[46:08] he rides up

[46:09] to the convent

[46:09] and announces

[46:10] to the nuns,

[46:11] I'll be back tomorrow

[46:12] and when I come back

[46:13] tomorrow with my men,

[46:14] you better give me

[46:15] Hawk and the Gold

[46:16] or else,

[46:16] which begs the question,

[46:18] why didn't he just

[46:18] do it then?

[46:19] Why did he give them

[46:20] a day to like plan?

[46:21] And why did he show up

[46:22] by himself?

[46:23] Maybe he was just,

[46:24] he just wasn't

[46:25] thinking rationally.

[46:25] He's so sad

[46:26] that his son got killed.

[46:28] The heroes decide

[46:30] they're going to go

[46:30] on the offensive

[46:31] somewhat

[46:32] because the witch,

[46:34] Patricia Quinn,

[46:35] she sends them,

[46:35] she teleports them

[46:36] to Voltan's like henchmen camp

[46:38] and they just,

[46:39] with magic smoke

[46:40] to cloud their moves.

[46:41] Slaughter.

[46:41] And they just slaughter people.

[46:43] And this is when you get

[46:44] the most repeating

[46:45] crossbow bolt moments

[46:46] and the most repeating

[46:47] crow arrow bolt moments

[46:49] where they're literally

[46:49] just showing you

[46:50] the same shot

[46:51] cut together real fast,

[46:52] both crossbows

[46:53] and crow this bone arrow

[46:54] and it's amazing.

[46:55] Yeah, it's great.

S4

[46:55] But there's so much smoke

[46:57] and the only thing

[46:58] you can see

[46:58] is the end of Hawk's sword

[47:00] which makes him

[47:00] the best target to kill

[47:02] because you can see

[47:02] that glowing green sword.

[47:04] But then it's okay

[47:06] because the two guys

[47:07] who have the arrows

[47:08] and the crossbows

[47:08] will just mow down

[47:10] everybody anyway.

[47:10] So who cares?

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] And they never need

[47:12] to load either of these.

[47:13] Like you never see

[47:14] crow cocking an arrow

[47:15] or knocking back an arrow

[47:16] and you never see

[47:17] He's so fast.

[47:18] And you never see

[47:18] the other guy

[47:18] cocking his crossbow.

[47:19] It's just unlimited shots.

[47:21] It's amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[47:22] It's like,

[47:23] like the,

[47:24] what is it?

[47:24] The roach

[47:25] in the Punisher roach

[47:27] in the Cerebus comics.

[47:29] He's got like twin,

[47:31] twin crossbow bolt guns.

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] I did not get that far

[47:34] into Cerebus,

[47:35] I have to admit.

[47:36] So I'm going to take

[47:37] the word for it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] Well, I don't think

[47:37] now is the time

[47:39] to pick it up.

[47:40] No, no.

[47:40] I mean,

[47:41] I've been hearing

[47:41] so many great things

[47:42] about it.

Dan McCoy

[47:44] You can stop after,

[47:45] what is it?

[47:46] High Society,

[47:46] Church of State,

[47:47] whatever one's later.

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] So there's that mist,

[47:51] they go,

[47:52] oh, the smoke is clearing.

[47:53] We've got to leave.

[47:53] But it's like,

[47:54] you guys are doing great.

[47:55] Like, you're destroying

[47:56] everybody.

[47:56] I don't,

[47:57] why don't you just

[47:57] finish the job now?

[47:59] You're at Volting's camp.

[48:00] I don't,

[48:01] anyway.

[48:02] no, we got to go,

Stuart Wellington

[48:02] we got to go back

[48:03] and save our game.

[48:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] Hawk and company,

[48:08] they go back to the convent.

Stuart Wellington

[48:10] Maybe they burn through

[48:12] all their single use abilities

[48:14] for the day

[48:15] and they need to recharge them.

[48:16] Yeah, they're like,

[48:16] we need to redo our spells.

[48:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] You're saying they're

[48:19] taking a short rest.

[48:21] Is that what?

Elliott Kalan

[48:21] Oh, look at Dan.

Dan McCoy

[48:23] Look at this guy.

[48:24] You forced me.

[48:25] You forced me, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] And here's,

[48:29] like,

[48:29] this movie,

[48:31] I'll just,

[48:31] before we finish the film,

[48:33] like,

[48:33] it does feel to me like

[48:34] you made a Dungeons & Dragons movie

[48:36] in so many ways.

[48:37] There's so much traveling.

[48:39] There's so much,

[48:39] like,

[48:40] assembling and people,

[48:41] like,

[48:41] figuring out what their abilities are.

[48:43] There's a lot of,

[48:44] like,

[48:44] yeah,

[48:44] resting,

[48:45] like,

[48:45] attacking and then being like,

[48:47] well,

[48:47] the rules say we got to stop now,

[48:49] so let's go.

Dan McCoy

[48:50] I mean,

[48:50] this is totally a filmed LARP.

[48:52] This is 100%.

[48:55] For better and worse.

Elliott Kalan

[48:58] Now,

[48:58] tell me why for better

[48:59] and tell me why for worse.

[49:00] But say it like the comic strip

[49:02] for better or worse.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] Oh,

[49:04] God.

[49:06] Something about,

[49:07] Barkley?

[49:08] Is he a dog?

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] Probably with a name like Barkley,

Dan McCoy

[49:12] unless it's Charles Barkley.

[49:13] Or am I thinking about the dog

[49:14] from Sesame Street?

[49:16] Or were they both Barkley?

[49:17] Anyway,

[49:18] have I distracted you enough?

[49:19] They might both be Barkley.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] Yeah,

[49:20] possibly.

[49:21] I still want an answer,

[49:22] but I guess I don't need it anymore.

[49:23] But you're right.

[49:24] I hadn't even thought about that.

[49:25] It is like,

[49:25] it is a LARP movie.

[49:28] What was the,

[49:29] why am I forgetting it?

[49:30] The name of that documentary

[49:31] about the LARPing group,

[49:32] like,

[49:32] Dalkon or something like that.

[49:33] It's like,

[49:33] you're watching their game.

[49:35] Anyway,

[49:36] the nun,

[49:37] who does not approve of

[49:38] Hawk and his fellows

[49:40] refusing to free the Abbas

[49:42] and instead just murdering people

[49:43] left and right,

[49:44] she goes to Voltan

[49:45] and helps him

[49:46] get the drop on Hawk.

[49:48] Uh-oh.

[49:49] Voltan sneaks in

[49:50] with all his men.

[49:51] Well,

[49:51] first she poisons the giant

[49:52] and everyone else

[49:53] with a sleeping draught.

[49:55] Go sleepy.

[49:56] They all go real sleepy.

[49:57] And when they woke up,

[49:58] when they wake up,

[49:59] not woke up,

[49:59] I mean woke up

[50:00] because it isn't the past tense

[50:01] that happened already.

[50:01] Let's say wake up.

[50:03] Voltan's got his sword

[50:04] at their necks

[50:05] and they got the drop on him

[50:06] and Voltan,

[50:07] I think then kills that nun

[50:08] or does he just punch her?

[50:10] Yeah,

[50:10] he kills her.

[50:10] He just stabs her.

[50:11] He kills her later,

[50:12] I think,

[50:12] right?

S4

[50:13] No,

[50:13] I thought he killed her

[50:14] like right in front of there

[50:15] like,

[50:15] oh,

[50:15] you won't be able to see it

[50:16] and then he like kills her

[50:18] and everyone's like,

[50:19] no,

[50:19] oh,

[50:19] you didn't.

[50:20] Like,

[50:20] even his henchmen

[50:21] are like,

[50:22] whoa,

[50:22] over the line,

[50:23] boss.

[50:23] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[50:24] before when you challenged

[50:25] our friends to a fight

[50:26] to the death,

[50:27] we thought you were

[50:28] a little weird.

Elliott Kalan

[50:31] But it's,

[50:32] there's a couple nuns

[50:32] who look alike

[50:33] and so I thought he killed her

[50:34] and then later on

[50:35] another nun showed up

[50:36] and I was like,

[50:36] wait,

[50:36] but is that the same?

[50:38] But I think he does.

[50:43] Voltan taunts them

[50:44] for a while

[50:44] and then the dwarf

[50:45] taunts him back

[50:46] and he stabs the dwarf

[50:47] who's tied up.

[50:48] Even the nun

[50:49] wasn't tied up.

[50:50] She could have conceivably

[50:51] batted the knife

[50:52] out of his hands

[50:52] and Voltan's like,

[50:54] oh,

[50:54] this is maybe so mad,

[50:55] I need some more

[50:56] magic face treatment,

[50:57] goes to get some lasers

[50:58] in the face

[50:59] and the witch

[51:01] uses her magic.

S4

[51:02] This is my favorite movie,

[51:03] favorite thing in the movie.

[51:05] There's three or four

[51:06] favorite things in the movie,

[51:07] the hula hoops,

[51:08] the fish eating,

[51:09] but when the witch

[51:10] goes into the convent

[51:11] and attacks a guy

[51:13] with silly string

[51:13] and he is incapacitated

[51:16] and wrapped up

[51:16] with silly string,

[51:17] like literal silly string,

[51:19] I think I've laughed

[51:20] harder than any copy

[51:21] I've ever watched.

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] She holds up her staff

[51:23] and just shoots

[51:23] silly string out of it

[51:24] and it's another

[51:26] one of those moments

[51:26] where you're like,

[51:27] now is when you're doing that?

[51:29] Like, why not

[51:30] ten minutes ago?

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] She sticks her little wand

[51:33] which kind of looks

[51:34] like a little blowgun

[51:35] through the crack in the door

[51:36] and the guard,

[51:37] like, there's a couple shots

[51:38] of the guard,

[51:39] like, eyeballing it

[51:40] and being like,

[51:41] the fuck?

[51:42] And, like,

[51:42] approaching it slowly

[51:44] and you're like,

[51:45] dude, I know

[51:45] it's gonna happen,

[51:46] but I didn't know.

[51:47] It was so much crazier.

Dan McCoy

[51:49] Yeah.

[51:50] It is a lot of

[51:51] silly string.

[51:52] It's not the regular amount.

S4

[51:53] No, no, it's like,

[51:54] literally a cocoon

[51:56] of silly string.

Dan McCoy

[51:58] It would incapacitate me,

[52:00] the silly string.

Stuart Wellington

[52:01] Oh, wow.

[52:02] Wow, yeah,

[52:03] and you're the hardiest

[52:04] of all of us

[52:05] when it comes to

[52:05] silly string resistance.

S4

[52:07] Yeah, you really have

[52:07] the best saving throw.

Elliott Kalan

[52:09] Now, Dan,

[52:09] what's interesting

[52:10] is that in this scenario

[52:11] you are projecting

[52:12] yourself as one

[52:13] of Voltan's guards,

[52:14] which,

[52:15] it's interesting

[52:17] that you see yourself

[52:18] in that position,

[52:18] whereas I would be more

[52:19] like one of Hawks men

[52:20] who are not great,

[52:21] but, you know.

Dan McCoy

[52:23] Identifying myself

[52:24] so much as just

[52:25] expressing that,

[52:26] you know,

[52:26] like,

[52:26] this guard,

[52:28] who probably got fired

[52:29] for all this,

[52:31] you know.

[52:31] Oh, he's dead, Dan.

[52:32] He's dead.

Elliott Kalan

[52:33] Oh, what?

[52:33] He got fired from life.

[52:35] What?

[52:36] He's dead.

[52:37] He's dead.

[52:37] He was suffocated

[52:38] by that silly string.

[52:40] Yeah.

[52:40] Oh, I gotta text

[52:41] some people.

[52:43] Oh, wow.

[52:44] Because when I was

[52:45] watching it,

[52:46] I was like,

[52:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:46] Feels performative.

[52:47] You didn't even

[52:48] know him that well.

[52:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] I was,

[52:50] when I was watching

[52:51] that scene,

[52:52] I was like,

[52:52] yeah,

[52:52] I'd be the kind of witch

[52:53] that shoots silly string

[52:54] out of a staff

[52:55] at people.

[52:57] I think that's what I'd do,

[52:59] and I'd have

[52:59] neon hula hoops.

[53:01] The dwarf Balden

[53:02] unfortunately dies

[53:03] even her magic

[53:04] is not enough

[53:05] to save him,

[53:06] but he,

[53:06] as he says,

[53:07] he dies the way

[53:07] he wished,

[53:08] surrounded by his friends,

[53:10] and they make

[53:11] a little grave for him.

[53:12] A little grave

[53:13] because he's short.

[53:14] The witch,

[53:15] then,

[53:16] it's another moment

[53:17] where she's like,

[53:17] okay,

[53:17] I'm gonna help you.

[53:18] I'm going to,

[53:19] something about,

[53:20] I'm gonna blind them

[53:21] with a hail of magic

[53:23] or something like that,

[53:23] of lightning,

[53:24] but what actually comes out

[53:25] is kind of a whirlpool

[53:26] of fake snow

[53:27] and glowing bouncy balls

[53:28] that are just bursting

[53:29] through the door

[53:30] of the convent

[53:31] at the bad news.

[53:31] She's the best thing

[53:31] in the movie.

[53:32] Yeah,

[53:32] it's incredible.

[53:33] And she is like,

[53:35] she's,

[53:35] I'm a big fan

[53:37] of her performance

[53:37] in this.

[53:38] Like,

[53:38] she has just the right

[53:39] amount of,

[53:39] like,

[53:40] mysteriousness.

S4

[53:40] She's the only one.

[53:41] She's the only one

[53:42] that has any dignity

[53:43] whatsoever in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] Mm-hmm.

[53:45] And she has the best shots.

[53:46] There'll be scenes

[53:46] where, like,

[53:47] she's in the extreme foreground

[53:48] in profile,

[53:49] and she's talking to people

[53:50] who are in the background

[53:51] face camera.

[53:51] It's very Ingmar Bergman-y.

[53:53] It's almost like she was like,

[53:55] you're gonna have to do better

[53:56] when I'm on screen.

[53:57] Like,

[53:57] come on.

[53:59] The bad guys

[54:00] are all blinded,

[54:01] I guess,

[54:01] by this hail

[54:02] of what you could buy.

[54:03] I mean,

[54:03] now I'm realizing

[54:04] a lot of her magic

[54:05] is just stuff

[54:06] you could buy

[54:06] in the gift shop

[54:07] of, like,

[54:08] a science center

[54:08] or, like...

[54:09] Or Spencer's.

[54:10] Yeah,

[54:10] or Spencer's.

[54:10] Yeah,

[54:11] it's just, like,

[54:11] glowing balls,

[54:12] glowing hula hoops,

[54:13] silly strings.

Stuart Wellington

[54:13] Well, Elliot,

[54:14] to the uninitiated,

[54:16] that sort of thing

[54:17] might seem like magic.

[54:19] Okay.

[54:20] Thank you,

Elliott Kalan

[54:21] Arthur C. Clarke.

[54:22] You're paraphrasing

[54:23] Arthur C. Clarke's

[54:24] famous dictum

[54:25] that to a lower civilization,

[54:27] novelty gifts

[54:28] would appear to be magic.

[54:31] She's just throwing,

[54:32] like,

[54:34] aprons with naked ladies

[54:35] painted on them at them

[54:36] and so on.

[54:38] I'm trying to think

[54:39] what other stuff

[54:39] you could buy

[54:40] at Spencer's.

[54:40] Tricking people

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] into thinking

[54:42] that a,

[54:43] that cart

[54:44] actually has a pair

[54:45] of testicles

[54:46] hanging behind it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] So,

[54:52] she,

[54:53] they're all fighting.

[54:55] Voltan

[54:55] takes the giant

[54:57] and the nuns,

[54:58] of which there are now three,

[54:59] I guess that's all

[55:00] there ever were,

[55:01] a prisoner,

[55:02] Hawk,

[55:03] give yourself up

[55:03] or I'll kill them.

[55:05] And he's got

[55:05] some elaborate trap

[55:06] and Hawk is like,

[55:07] okay,

[55:08] that's all I'm gonna do.

[55:08] He goes,

[55:09] put your sword down.

[55:10] Now take off

[55:10] your vestments.

[55:11] I don't know why.

[55:12] He has to remove

[55:13] his vestments,

[55:14] but he does

[55:15] well,

[55:15] if you'd like to pray,

[55:16] now's the time

[55:17] before I kill you.

[55:18] And he kneels down

[55:19] and he holds

[55:20] that cross pendant

[55:21] that Ilyan gave him

[55:23] when she was,

[55:23] when she,

[55:24] like on their wedding day

[55:25] and what is revealed

[55:26] inside of it.

[55:28] A little tiny dagger.

[55:29] Yep.

[55:29] It's like a little

[55:30] switchblade cross,

[55:31] which begs the question,

[55:32] why did his fiancee

[55:33] have that?

[55:35] Just for cocaine.

[55:37] Oh,

[55:37] okay.

[55:38] Just,

[55:38] just for cutting up lines.

[55:40] Now he,

[55:42] now this is where

[55:43] I have to admit

[55:43] I was doing the dishes

[55:44] and I took my eye away.

[55:45] So how did he use

[55:45] that dagger cross

[55:46] to,

[55:47] to save the day?

S4

[55:48] He threw it,

[55:49] right?

[55:49] And then he got his sword.

[55:51] Yeah.

[55:51] Then he pulled his sword

[55:52] across the room

[55:53] you have the power of the mind

[55:54] and then I,

[55:55] I wasn't paying attention.

[55:55] I think he,

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] I think he threw it

[55:57] and it cut the bonds

[55:59] on Gort the giant

[56:00] who started bashing dudes.

[56:02] Then he called,

[56:03] he called the mind sword.

[56:04] Then he called the sword

S4

[56:05] and then it's like,

[56:05] you have the power of the mind

[56:06] and Voltan was,

[56:07] that's mine

[56:08] and then they start

[56:09] doing something

[56:09] and then blah,

[56:10] blah,

[56:10] blah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] It's amazing

[56:11] that at that moment

[56:11] is when Voltan realizes

[56:12] that,

[56:13] that Hawk has

[56:15] the mind stone sword,

[56:16] which he's been using

[56:17] all movie.

S4

[56:18] He's been,

[56:18] and he has it,

[56:19] he's on the back.

[56:19] Like,

[56:20] why is this a revelation?

[56:21] Also,

[56:22] he left it in the first scene.

[56:23] He's,

[56:24] it was right there.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] Yeah.

[56:25] He could have taken it.

[56:26] It's also,

[56:26] you'd have to assume

[56:27] it's part of the legend of Hawk.

[56:28] At one point,

[56:28] someone's like,

[56:29] huh,

[56:30] word will get around

[56:31] that someone is looking

[56:32] for Hawk

[56:33] when they tell Randolph that

[56:34] so that,

[56:35] well,

[56:36] if that kind of word travels,

[56:37] then you'd think the fact

[56:38] that the guy has a glowing sword

[56:39] with a hand on the end of it

[56:40] would also get around,

[56:42] but I guess not.

[56:43] It's kind of like

[56:43] the old Teen Wolf problem

[56:44] of how do these other high schools,

[56:47] how have they not heard

[56:47] ahead of time

[56:48] that this one high school

[56:49] has a werewolf on its team?

[56:50] Because you'd think

[56:51] that kind of thing

[56:51] would travel.

[56:52] You'd think at least

[56:53] the coaches

[56:54] would tell each other,

[56:55] watch out for this team.

[56:56] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[56:57] you would think

[56:58] some desperate coach

[56:58] would show up to a game

[57:00] with a pistol

[57:00] with a silver bullet in it.

[57:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] Or perhaps those teams

[57:04] just have all sign NDAs

[57:06] before the game.

[57:08] why do we have to sign this?

[57:09] Don't worry about it.

[57:10] And afterwards,

[57:10] oh,

[57:10] we wish we could tell people

[57:11] that we lost to a werewolf.

[57:13] Can't.

[57:13] Can't break the NDA.

[57:15] You don't want the werewolf

[57:15] to sue you.

Dan McCoy

[57:16] I like Stewart's version,

[57:18] though,

[57:18] where this coach

[57:20] shoots Michael J. Fox

[57:22] and then everyone's horrified.

[57:23] He's like,

[57:23] what?

[57:24] He was a werewolf.

[57:26] Did you not see it?

[57:27] We were all here.

Stuart Wellington

[57:29] Yeah,

[57:29] like a real strung out

[57:30] basketball coach

[57:31] like Ben Affleck

[57:31] in that new movie.

[57:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:34] and I also have some things

[57:35] to say about how you're

[57:36] putting on a high school play

[57:37] where the Confederates

[57:38] are the heroes,

[57:39] because that's a larger issue,

[57:40] too.

[57:41] Boy,

[57:41] oh boy,

[57:41] Teen Wolf,

[57:42] you've got a lot of

[57:42] explaining to do.

[57:44] So anyway,

[57:44] there's a very slow motion

[57:46] sword fight

[57:46] between Voltan and Hawk,

[57:48] and I couldn't tell

[57:49] if it looked cooler

[57:50] in slow motion

[57:50] or lamer,

[57:52] because it's one of those

[57:52] things where clearly

[57:53] you're not going to get

[57:54] a fast motion sword fight

[57:55] from elderly Jack Collins.

[57:57] It's lamer that it's

[57:58] in slow motion.

[57:59] Very much lamer.

[58:01] Surprise,

[58:02] Hawk wins,

[58:03] and we finally see

[58:04] Voltan's horribly

[58:05] scarred face

[58:06] as he dies.

[58:08] Did it live up

[58:09] to the promise,

[58:10] guys?

S4

[58:11] It looked like

[58:12] a butt

[58:14] boil.

[58:14] It was like

[58:15] a butt boil

[58:15] on his eye,

[58:16] kind of like a tomato

[58:17] smashed in there.

[58:18] It was pretty gross,

[58:19] but I was just like,

[58:20] wow,

[58:20] you guys really need

[58:21] to get that looked at.

[58:23] Like this,

[58:23] whatever natural

[58:24] homeopathy

[58:26] you were getting

[58:26] done on this eyeball,

[58:27] like you need to

[58:28] really go to the doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] Yeah.

[58:30] Like,

[58:30] I know you like

[58:32] your wizard friend.

[58:34] You feel bad,

[58:36] but maybe you should

[58:36] go see an actual doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[58:38] Maybe it's time

[58:38] to stop applying

[58:39] milkwort to it

[58:40] during the full moon

[58:41] and just,

[58:42] you know,

[58:42] talk to a dermatologist,

[58:44] dermatologist.

[58:44] But I was like,

[58:45] oh,

[58:45] that was it?

[58:46] He could have

[58:46] gotten by with that.

[58:47] You know,

[58:48] again,

[58:48] Middle Ages.

[58:49] You got elves

[58:50] and stuff running around.

[58:51] But Voltan dies.

[58:52] Finally.

[58:53] The world is saved

[58:54] from Voltan.

[58:55] Hawk and his pals

[58:56] leave,

[58:57] but uh-oh.

[58:59] That evil wizard god,

[59:01] he floats into the room

[59:02] like an evil orco

S4

[59:05] hey.

[59:06] He does look like orco.

[59:07] He looks exactly like orco.

[59:08] I was trying to remember

[59:09] the name of it.

[59:10] It literally is orco.

[59:11] He floats in

[59:12] and then he's like,

[59:12] sequel time, bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[59:14] Yeah,

[59:14] he's like,

[59:14] we have plans for you,

[59:16] Dark One.

[59:16] We're not done with you

[59:17] even though you failed

[59:18] completely at everything

[59:19] we set you up to do.

[59:20] But yeah,

[59:21] he's like evil orco.

[59:22] He even sounds a little bit

[59:23] like orco

[59:23] in that I think of it.

[59:24] He does.

S4

[59:25] He does.

[59:25] I totally forgot.

[59:26] Thank God you brought that up

[59:28] because I was going to ask you,

[59:29] like,

[59:29] what was that cartoon character?

[59:30] What it was?

[59:31] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[59:32] Oh,

[59:32] my pleasure.

[59:33] Look,

[59:33] if we could,

[59:34] just to have you on

[59:35] for that moment,

[59:36] I can sleep now.

S4

[59:37] I can sleep.

[59:38] I didn't sleep for two days.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] I can sleep.

[59:40] And the giant is like,

[59:41] I hear there's some rich barons

[59:43] up in the north

[59:44] who are paying for guardsmen.

[59:45] Perhaps I'll make

[59:46] a little gold coinage.

[59:48] And Hawk,

[59:49] they're riding together.

[59:51] The crow,

[59:52] the elf,

[59:52] has disappeared at this point.

[59:53] Did he go back?

[59:54] I don't know where he went to.

S4

[59:56] I'm like,

[59:56] where did he go?

[59:57] I love that guy.

[59:58] Pepperoni.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] Come on.

[59:59] I guess he's got to go

[1:00:01] get himself a new hoodie

[1:00:02] because that one is getting

[1:00:03] a little ripe.

[1:00:05] Yeah.

[1:00:05] Just wearing it around

[1:00:06] in the forest for days on end.

[1:00:08] So Hawk and his giant friend

[1:00:09] are riding along

[1:00:10] and they see

[1:00:10] who's this in the forest?

[1:00:12] Patricia Quinn.

[1:00:13] Uh-oh.

[1:00:14] Some wizards are meeting

[1:00:15] in the south

[1:00:15] for bad business.

[1:00:17] Hawk is like,

[1:00:18] hmm,

[1:00:19] perhaps you should go

[1:00:19] to the south instead,

[1:00:20] Gort the Giant.

[1:00:21] And the giant's like,

[1:00:23] I guess I won't be making

[1:00:24] that money after all.

[1:00:25] Ha ha ha.

[1:00:26] And they ride off

[1:00:27] to the sequel,

[1:00:28] which was never made,

[1:00:29] but which I assume

[1:00:30] would have been called

[1:00:31] Hawk the Surprise Bad Guy,

[1:00:34] where it would turn out

[1:00:35] that everyone suddenly

[1:00:36] realizes,

[1:00:37] oh,

[1:00:37] Hawk is really misusing

[1:00:39] this mind stone sword

[1:00:40] by just slaughtering people

[1:00:41] left and right.

[1:00:41] Now,

[1:00:42] okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:43] I think they actually

[1:00:44] tried to kickstart

[1:00:45] a sequel

[1:00:46] like 10 years ago,

[1:00:48] maybe,

[1:00:48] for Hawk the Hunter.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:50] Wow.

[1:00:51] Oh.

[1:00:52] I feel like that seems

[1:00:53] like a downgrade

[1:00:54] for being a Slayer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:55] From Slayer?

[1:00:56] So what would be an upgrade

[1:00:57] from Slayer?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:59] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:59] Uh,

[1:01:00] uh,

[1:01:01] following cube rules,

[1:01:03] Hyper Slayer.

[1:01:05] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:06] Okay.

[1:01:07] That's by cube rules.

[1:01:08] I mean,

[1:01:08] uh,

[1:01:09] I guess,

[1:01:09] Stuart,

[1:01:10] in metal terms,

[1:01:10] what would be one step

[1:01:11] up from Slayer?

[1:01:12] Again,

[1:01:12] Slayer,

[1:01:13] top tier if you like

[1:01:14] that kind of sound.

[1:01:15] It's not my favorite.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:16] Big four.

[1:01:16] I mean,

[1:01:17] Metallica's the next step

[1:01:18] up from Slayer,

[1:01:19] arguably.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] I guess so.

[1:01:20] I guess that's true.

[1:01:21] where it's like,

[1:01:22] it's slightly more,

[1:01:24] uh,

[1:01:25] melodic,

[1:01:25] and slightly fewer songs

[1:01:27] about Nazi war criminals?

[1:01:29] Slightly.

[1:01:30] Yeah.

[1:01:31] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[1:01:33] Um,

[1:01:33] what would you,

[1:01:34] but what would you,

[1:01:34] so,

[1:01:35] so that's Dan's pitch

[1:01:36] for the sequel

[1:01:36] is Hawk the Hyper Slayer.

[1:01:38] Do you guys have pitches

[1:01:39] lined up for the sequel?

[1:01:40] Uh,

[1:01:41] cause-

[1:01:41] Hawk the Face Masher.

[1:01:43] That's pretty good,

[1:01:44] yeah.

[1:01:44] That's pretty,

[1:01:44] and very specific.

[1:01:46] Yeah.

[1:01:46] Yep.

[1:01:47] My real one would be

[1:01:47] Hawk the Kindergarten Cop,

[1:01:49] where a guy's gotta go undercover,

[1:01:51] as a kid.

[1:01:52] Gotcha.

[1:01:53] So,

[1:01:53] here's the story.

[1:01:54] Uh,

[1:01:55] there's a Kindergarten,

[1:01:56] and guess who's the principal?

[1:01:58] Voltan.

[1:01:59] That's right.

[1:01:59] He's training these kids

[1:02:01] to be evil wizard sacrifices

[1:02:03] or something.

[1:02:03] Looks like someone's gotta go undercover,

[1:02:05] because Hawk can't just walk in there,

[1:02:07] Voltan will recognize him.

[1:02:08] They're brothers,

[1:02:09] and so he's gotta go in

[1:02:10] as the new teacher,

[1:02:11] H. Auk,

[1:02:12] Mr. Harold Auk,

[1:02:14] uh,

[1:02:14] and,

[1:02:15] you know,

[1:02:15] he's teaching the kids

[1:02:16] his own brand of,

[1:02:17] here's how you use a sword,

[1:02:18] here's what a Mind Stone does.

[1:02:20] One kid,

[1:02:21] talks about how his dad

[1:02:22] is a real sex machine,

[1:02:23] just like in the original movie,

[1:02:24] and then,

[1:02:26] uh,

[1:02:27] I don't know,

[1:02:27] what happens at the end

[1:02:28] of Kindergarten Cop?

[1:02:29] They've gotta climb up

[1:02:29] an electric tower

[1:02:30] or something like that?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] Uh,

[1:02:31] I don't know,

[1:02:32] Elliot.

[1:02:32] All I know is,

[1:02:34] we talked about getting Felicia

[1:02:35] out of here early,

[1:02:36] and you've introduced

[1:02:36] a whole new bit

[1:02:37] at the end of this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] Okay,

[1:02:40] let's just call it

[1:02:41] Kindergarten Hawk,

[1:02:41] and we'll deal with

[1:02:42] the details later.

[1:02:43] So, Dan,

[1:02:43] what do we do

[1:02:44] after we talk about

[1:02:44] the summary?

[1:02:45] I'll read the treatment.

S4

[1:02:46] I'll read the treatment later.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:47] I'll give you notes.

[1:02:48] I'll email it to you.

[1:02:48] If I could get notes on that,

[1:02:49] that'd be great.

[1:02:50] Uh,

[1:02:50] can we,

[1:02:51] and we can attach you

[1:02:52] as a producer,

[1:02:53] possibly star?

S4

[1:02:54] You know what?

[1:02:55] Um,

[1:02:56] I'll have to read,

[1:02:56] I'll have to talk

[1:02:57] to my people.

[1:02:57] Okay.

[1:02:58] My people will get back

[1:02:59] to you.

[1:02:59] That's fair.

[1:02:59] Maybe.

[1:03:00] It'll be my three-year-old.

[1:03:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:03] Um,

[1:03:03] okay,

[1:03:04] what we do now,

[1:03:05] this is the final part

[1:03:05] of the movie portion

[1:03:07] of this movie podcast.

[1:03:08] I mean,

[1:03:09] we talk about movies later,

[1:03:10] but whatever.

[1:03:10] You know what I'm talking about.

[1:03:11] Uh,

[1:03:12] and that is where we make

[1:03:13] our final judgments

[1:03:13] about whether this is

[1:03:14] a good,

[1:03:15] bad movie,

[1:03:15] a movie that was funny

[1:03:17] in its badness,

[1:03:18] a bad,

[1:03:18] bad movie,

[1:03:19] a movie that we just

[1:03:20] didn't like,

[1:03:21] or a movie we kind of liked,

[1:03:22] and that's,

[1:03:23] you know,

[1:03:23] self-explanatory.

[1:03:25] Uh,

[1:03:25] I think I'm the dissenting voice,

[1:03:26] so maybe I shouldn't go first.

[1:03:28] I don't know if I should go last either.

[1:03:30] Just go,

[1:03:30] go.

[1:03:30] Okay,

[1:03:31] I will.

[1:03:31] All right.

[1:03:32] At least she wants to get out of here.

[1:03:33] Um,

[1:03:33] here's what I would say.

[1:03:35] I,

[1:03:36] this is not a,

[1:03:37] uh,

[1:03:37] unique notion to me,

[1:03:40] uh,

[1:03:40] I'm sure,

[1:03:41] although I came to it on my own,

[1:03:43] so I'm going to take credit for it.

[1:03:44] Uh,

[1:03:45] like movies.

[1:03:46] Dan,

[1:03:46] we've known about it

[1:03:47] for hundreds of years.

[1:03:48] No,

[1:03:49] I was going to say,

[1:03:49] like,

[1:03:50] uh,

[1:03:51] movies are,

[1:03:52] obviously about the,

[1:03:54] the plot of the movie,

[1:03:55] but also,

[1:03:55] in a way,

[1:03:56] they are all documentaries

[1:03:57] in that they are time capsules

[1:03:59] of when they were made.

[1:04:01] And,

[1:04:01] uh,

[1:04:02] bad movies,

[1:04:03] I feel like,

[1:04:03] are often,

[1:04:04] or low budget,

[1:04:05] let's say,

[1:04:05] movies,

[1:04:06] not bad,

[1:04:06] are doubly so,

[1:04:07] because they can't afford,

[1:04:09] like,

[1:04:10] big costume designers

[1:04:11] or whatnot,

[1:04:12] stuff that might,

[1:04:14] uh,

[1:04:14] you know,

[1:04:14] people are,

[1:04:15] like,

[1:04:15] bringing stuff from home.

[1:04:16] Um,

[1:04:16] it feels more of the time.

[1:04:18] And so,

[1:04:18] on that level,

[1:04:19] I really enjoyed the movie.

[1:04:21] I liked all the silly stuff,

[1:04:22] like the glowing balls,

[1:04:23] but,

[1:04:25] on the downside for me,

[1:04:27] I don't want to make it seem like

[1:04:28] I don't like fantasy.

[1:04:29] I feel like I insulted something

[1:04:31] very dear to,

[1:04:32] uh,

[1:04:32] other members of,

[1:04:33] of the podcast right now.

[1:04:35] I,

[1:04:35] I like it a lot,

[1:04:37] but,

[1:04:38] it is not like the first genre

[1:04:40] that,

[1:04:41] uh,

[1:04:42] appeals to me.

[1:04:43] So,

[1:04:43] usually I feel like

[1:04:44] there has to be a thing

[1:04:45] specifically I connect with.

[1:04:47] Whereas this movie,

[1:04:49] uh,

[1:04:50] feels like it was sort of

[1:04:51] generated by a random

[1:04:53] fantasy movie generating machine.

[1:04:54] It feels very basic

[1:04:55] in,

[1:04:56] in the plot.

[1:04:57] And I don't,

[1:04:58] I don't want to be too down on it

[1:04:59] because I think,

[1:05:00] although fantasy literature

[1:05:02] was a,

[1:05:02] was a thing before this

[1:05:03] for a while,

[1:05:05] uh,

[1:05:05] the sort of high fantasy,

[1:05:06] um,

[1:05:07] I mean,

[1:05:07] only for centuries.

[1:05:08] Well,

[1:05:09] I mean,

[1:05:09] like,

[1:05:10] but this specific,

[1:05:11] like,

[1:05:11] Tolkien-esque,

[1:05:12] like,

[1:05:12] thing that then sort of

[1:05:13] took over a lot of fantasy,

[1:05:15] um,

[1:05:16] like,

[1:05:17] mostly existed in literature

[1:05:18] and this was one of the earliest

[1:05:19] movies,

[1:05:20] really,

[1:05:21] of this,

[1:05:21] so I don't want to

[1:05:22] dang it too much for that,

[1:05:24] but the,

[1:05:24] the story just bored me,

[1:05:26] guys.

[1:05:26] I just couldn't get into

[1:05:28] that part of it.

[1:05:29] But,

[1:05:29] what do you guys say?

[1:05:31] I,

[1:05:32] uh,

[1:05:32] I don't know.

[1:05:34] Marginal good bad,

[1:05:35] maybe,

[1:05:36] but I mostly was bored.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:38] Now,

[1:05:38] Dan,

[1:05:38] it's,

[1:05:39] I mean,

[1:05:39] you don't have to,

[1:05:40] you don't have to feel bad

[1:05:41] about not liking it

[1:05:42] just because I'm gonna say

[1:05:43] this is a movie I kinda liked,

[1:05:46] uh,

[1:05:46] because it is,

[1:05:48] but not,

[1:05:49] it's not very good,

[1:05:50] it's not a good movie,

[1:05:51] but I think the reasons

[1:05:52] you didn't like it

[1:05:53] are the reasons that I

[1:05:54] particularly liked it,

[1:05:56] that,

[1:05:56] uh,

[1:05:57] the,

[1:05:58] it feels like the most basic

[1:05:59] template fantasy movie

[1:06:01] I can think of.

[1:06:02] Like,

[1:06:02] it really does feel like

[1:06:03] they're like,

[1:06:03] what do we have in a fantasy movie?

[1:06:05] There's a bad guy,

[1:06:05] okay,

[1:06:06] there's a magic sword,

[1:06:07] great,

[1:06:07] throw it in.

[1:06:08] There's a witch,

[1:06:08] maybe,

[1:06:09] okay,

[1:06:09] do it.

[1:06:09] There's a giant and a dwarf

[1:06:11] and an elf,

[1:06:11] yes,

[1:06:12] hold on,

[1:06:12] throw it in,

[1:06:13] yes.

[1:06:13] Do we have time to add

[1:06:14] any extra touches?

[1:06:15] Maybe they joke about a chicken

[1:06:16] at one point.

[1:06:17] Okay,

[1:06:17] otherwise,

[1:06:18] like,

[1:06:18] there's something so,

[1:06:19] like,

[1:06:20] er,

[1:06:20] low budget fantasy movie

[1:06:21] about this

[1:06:22] that I really enjoyed,

[1:06:23] and I think the things

[1:06:25] that you found boring,

[1:06:26] which were,

[1:06:26] like,

[1:06:26] the endless scenes of him

[1:06:27] riding through the forest,

[1:06:28] I could have watched that

[1:06:29] for,

[1:06:30] I don't know how many hours.

[1:06:31] It was just like,

[1:06:32] this is so perfectly what it is

[1:06:34] and,

[1:06:34] uh,

[1:06:35] I was such a fan of the music,

[1:06:37] such a fan of the,

[1:06:38] uh,

[1:06:38] just the,

[1:06:39] the hyper editing

[1:06:39] of the crossbow bolts.

[1:06:41] Uh,

[1:06:41] definitely,

[1:06:43] it,

[1:06:43] uh,

[1:06:44] it's,

[1:06:44] but it's a little bit of a stretch

[1:06:46] at 94 minutes.

[1:06:47] Uh,

[1:06:48] this probably should have been,

[1:06:49] like,

[1:06:49] a 62 minute movie.

[1:06:51] Uh,

[1:06:51] but,

[1:06:52] but I really enjoyed it.

[1:06:53] I would say good,

[1:06:54] bad,

[1:06:54] and if it,

[1:06:55] I'm just listening to the soundtrack,

[1:06:56] then movie I kind of liked.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:59] Yeah,

[1:06:59] I'm gonna say it's a movie

[1:07:00] I kind of liked.

[1:07:01] Uh,

[1:07:02] Jack Palance,

[1:07:02] choose all that scenery,

[1:07:04] uh,

[1:07:05] cool haircuts,

[1:07:07] uh,

[1:07:07] chickens,

[1:07:09] magic.

[1:07:10] You know,

[1:07:11] it's beyond good and evil

[1:07:12] and,

[1:07:13] uh,

[1:07:13] land of darkness,

[1:07:14] et cetera.

[1:07:14] Uh,

S4

[1:07:17] I would say that I,

[1:07:19] I really enjoyed the movie

[1:07:20] in that it is terrible.

[1:07:22] All these points are valid.

[1:07:24] There was no,

[1:07:24] no plot to be spoken of.

[1:07:26] The lead character was terrible,

[1:07:28] but it,

[1:07:29] it just had so many choices

[1:07:30] that were wrong.

[1:07:31] I loved it.

[1:07:33] Like,

[1:07:33] every couple minutes,

[1:07:34] I'd be a little bored

[1:07:35] and I'd be like,

[1:07:35] wow,

[1:07:36] who made that decision?

[1:07:37] Who thought that was a good idea?

[1:07:39] And that's what I like

[1:07:40] about bad movies

[1:07:41] because I could watch it,

[1:07:42] I could watch that lizard again.

[1:07:45] I could watch all the magic again.

[1:07:47] I could watch that pepperoni elf

[1:07:49] anytime,

[1:07:50] every cross-pulse thing.

[1:07:51] Like,

[1:07:51] I genuinely,

[1:07:53] two days later,

[1:07:53] want to watch the movie again.

[1:07:55] So I would say

[1:07:55] some of the best of the bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:57] Oh yeah,

[1:07:58] this,

[1:07:58] this was the,

[1:07:58] this was the first time

[1:08:00] in a long time

[1:08:00] that I've seen a bad movie

[1:08:01] and I was like,

[1:08:02] I wish we could have done this

[1:08:04] on Mystery Science Theater.

S4

[1:08:05] For MSD3,

[1:08:06] I know,

[1:08:06] I kept doing riffs.

[1:08:07] I was like,

[1:08:07] I should watch it.

[1:08:08] Oh no.

[1:08:08] There were so many moments

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:09] where I was like,

[1:08:10] this is the joke

[1:08:10] I would have done

[1:08:11] for this part.

S4

[1:08:11] This is so perfect.

[1:08:12] I know.

[1:08:13] I was just like,

[1:08:14] God,

[1:08:14] this would be so fun to riff.

[1:08:15] Oh well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] But what are you going to do?

[1:08:17] Maybe someday.

[1:08:17] you're welcome guys.

[1:08:19] Yeah,

[1:08:19] thank you.

[1:08:19] Thank you.

[1:08:20] Yeah,

[1:08:20] thank you Stuart.

[1:08:22] And thank you to

[1:08:23] our special guest,

[1:08:25] Felicia Day.

[1:08:27] Thanks so much.

[1:08:27] Thanks for having me.

[1:08:28] Our pleasure.

[1:08:29] And,

[1:08:29] you know,

[1:08:30] and that sounds like

[1:08:31] it's an open invitation

[1:08:32] for us to have you back

[1:08:33] whenever we want.

[1:08:34] Yes.

[1:08:34] So okay,

[1:08:35] yeah.

[1:08:35] As long as you have

S4

[1:08:36] a bad fantasy movie,

[1:08:37] especially with Silly String,

[1:08:39] sign me up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:40] Okay,

[1:08:40] that's a very specific genre,

[1:08:42] but we'll see what we can do.

[1:08:43] Yeah.

[1:08:44] Hi,

[1:08:48] I'm James,

[1:08:49] host of Minority Corner,

[1:08:50] which is a

[1:08:50] podcast that's all about

[1:08:52] intersectionality.

[1:08:53] It's hosted by James

[1:08:54] with a guest host every week.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:55] Discussing all sorts

[1:08:56] of wonderful issues,

[1:08:58] nerdy and political.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:59] Pop culture.

[1:09:00] Black queer.

[1:09:02] Feminism.

[1:09:02] Race.

[1:09:03] Sexuality.

[1:09:04] News.

[1:09:04] You're going to learn

[1:09:05] your history,

[1:09:06] their self-empowerment,

[1:09:07] and it's told by

[1:09:08] what feels like

[1:09:09] your best friend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:10] Why should someone

[1:09:10] listen to Minority Corner?

[1:09:12] Why not?

[1:09:12] Oh my God,

[1:09:13] free stuff.

[1:09:13] There's not free stuff.

S4

[1:09:14] The listeners of Minority Corner

[1:09:16] will enjoy some necessary LOLs,

[1:09:18] but mainly a look at

[1:09:19] what's happening in our world

[1:09:20] through a colorful lens.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:21] People will get the perspective

[1:09:23] of marginalized communities.

S4

[1:09:25] I feel heard.

[1:09:26] I feel seen.

[1:09:27] Like you said,

[1:09:27] you need to understand

[1:09:28] how to be more proactive

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:29] in your community,

[1:09:30] and this is a great way

[1:09:31] to get started.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] Join us every Friday

[1:09:32] on MaxFun

[1:09:33] or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:09:35] Minority Corner.

[1:09:36] Because together,

[1:09:37] we're the majority.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:37] You wept as we crafted

[1:09:42] the tragic tale of Jar Jar,

[1:09:44] a Star Wars story.

[1:09:45] Do you mean like

[1:09:46] he forgives Darth Vader?

[1:09:47] Misa still love you, Annie.

[1:09:49] You gasped out loud

[1:09:51] at the shocking twists

[1:09:52] of Face Off 2.

[1:09:53] Face is wild.

[1:09:54] He takes his kid's face.

[1:09:57] What?

[1:09:58] We're writing an entire

[1:09:59] screenplay week by week

[1:10:00] on Story Break Season 2,

[1:10:02] Heaven Heist.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:04] Hey folks,

[1:10:04] Freddie Wong here

[1:10:05] with some exciting news

[1:10:06] about Story Break,

[1:10:07] the Writers' Room podcast

[1:10:08] where three Hollywood professionals

[1:10:09] have one hour

[1:10:09] to spin cinematic gold.

[1:10:11] We're shaking up our format

[1:10:12] by turning Heaven Heist,

[1:10:13] one of our favorite ideas

[1:10:14] we've ever come up with

[1:10:14] on the show,

[1:10:15] into a full screenplay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:16] Heaven Heist is an action comedy

[1:10:17] about a crew of misfit gangsters

[1:10:19] robbing the celestial bank of heaven.

[1:10:20] Think of Coco meets Point Break.

[1:10:22] Join us as we write

[1:10:22] this crazy movie scene by scene

[1:10:24] and get an inside look

[1:10:25] at the screenwriting process

[1:10:26] on our podcast,

[1:10:27] Story Break,

[1:10:27] every Thursday

[1:10:28] on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:31] Well, next on the podcast,

[1:10:33] well, you know what?

[1:10:34] Before we get into

[1:10:35] the Jumbotrons and such,

[1:10:38] I want to give an update

[1:10:40] on the thing we did for charity,

[1:10:44] the live stream for charity.

[1:10:45] I want to give a total amount

[1:10:48] of the money that was raised.

[1:10:52] I don't have the winners yet.

[1:10:53] I will have them next time.

[1:10:55] But right now,

[1:10:56] thanks to the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:57] Now, you're talking to...

[1:10:58] You're talking about our

[1:10:59] Howard the Duck live show,

[1:11:01] which is still available

[1:11:01] on the Flophouse YouTube channel.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:04] Yes.

[1:11:05] And we encourage people

[1:11:07] to give to charity,

[1:11:09] either for hunger relief

[1:11:10] or to help with racial justice

[1:11:12] or, you know,

[1:11:13] whatever charity you thought

[1:11:15] was needed at this difficult time.

[1:11:17] And Flophouse listeners,

[1:11:20] the total in receipts that were gotten.

[1:11:23] And I want to also thank Audrey

[1:11:24] who went through everything manually

[1:11:26] and totaled this up.

[1:11:28] Well, I mean, she used a spreadsheet,

[1:11:29] but...

[1:11:31] Oh, wow.

[1:11:31] I mean, she didn't, what,

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:33] use, like, just sticks

[1:11:34] that she was collecting together

[1:11:35] into bundles?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:36] She had to do a lot of data entry,

[1:11:39] which was wonderful of her.

[1:11:40] But, yes,

[1:11:42] the machine did the adding.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:44] She wasn't just making marks

[1:11:46] on your wall

[1:11:47] to count it.

[1:11:49] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:49] No.

[1:11:49] scratching marks

[1:11:50] into the cell wall

[1:11:51] of your apartment.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:52] There are too many marks

[1:11:53] up there already

[1:11:53] of, like, being like,

[1:11:54] ugh, miserable days with Dan.

[1:11:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:58] So you weren't kept awake at night

[1:11:59] by the sound of her abacus beads

[1:12:00] clicking

[1:12:01] as she tallied up the figures.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:03] Yeah.

[1:12:03] But, okay,

[1:12:04] that's enough preamble.

[1:12:06] So, raised by Flophouse listeners,

[1:12:08] we have

[1:12:09] $63,503.38

[1:12:14] in total.

[1:12:16] Plus,

[1:12:17] on top of that,

[1:12:18] there's the $10,000

[1:12:19] that the show is donating.

[1:12:22] What?

[1:12:22] That was split evenly

[1:12:23] between food bank banks

[1:12:24] and bail funds.

[1:12:26] And so,

[1:12:27] basically,

[1:12:29] Flophouse folks

[1:12:30] donated

[1:12:31] around

[1:12:33] $73,000.

[1:12:35] That's crazy.

[1:12:36] That's insane.

[1:12:37] That is insane.

[1:12:38] Thank you so much

[1:12:39] to everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] not in a derogatory way

[1:12:41] about anyone's

[1:12:42] mental abilities,

[1:12:44] but that is, like,

[1:12:45] that's a huge amount of money.

[1:12:47] That is amazing.

[1:12:47] Did we expect it

[1:12:47] would be like that?

[1:12:49] Uh,

Dan McCoy

[1:12:50] I thought we could,

[1:12:52] you know,

[1:12:53] I thought there might be

[1:12:54] a good total,

[1:12:55] but this,

[1:12:56] yeah.

[1:12:57] Everyone out there

[1:12:58] exceeded my expectations,

[1:13:00] and I'm so, like,

[1:13:01] proud of everybody.

[1:13:02] A little data.

[1:13:03] The average donation

[1:13:04] was around $55,

[1:13:06] although some donated,

[1:13:08] you know,

[1:13:08] up to, like,

[1:13:09] $1,000.

[1:13:10] There were some donations

[1:13:11] in that range

[1:13:11] from all over Canada,

[1:13:14] the U.K.,

[1:13:15] Taiwan,

[1:13:15] Hong Kong,

[1:13:16] New Zealand,

[1:13:16] Australia.

[1:13:17] These are some of the

[1:13:18] places people donated from,

[1:13:20] and so,

[1:13:21] thank you so much

[1:13:22] to everybody.

[1:13:25] Yeah,

[1:13:25] and we will have

[1:13:26] the winners

[1:13:27] very soon.

[1:13:28] This,

[1:13:29] the totals

[1:13:29] came in literally

[1:13:30] like five minutes

[1:13:32] before I got on the call

[1:13:33] with you guys,

[1:13:34] so I haven't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:34] We were watching

[1:13:35] and we saw someone

[1:13:36] hand Dan

[1:13:37] a paper

[1:13:38] tallying it

[1:13:39] in the moment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:41] Yeah.

[1:13:41] I just want to say

[1:13:42] that I don't know

[1:13:44] how everyone feels,

[1:13:45] but, you know,

[1:13:46] the last couple weeks

[1:13:46] I've felt kind of powerless

[1:13:48] in trying to find ways

[1:13:49] that I can help,

[1:13:50] and seeing this kind

[1:13:53] of outpouring

[1:13:54] of generosity

[1:13:54] is kind of reaffirming

[1:13:57] that there's a lot

[1:13:58] of good people out there,

[1:13:59] so thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:00] Yeah,

[1:14:01] I second that,

[1:14:03] and I second what Dan said,

[1:14:04] and it's already

[1:14:04] been said well,

[1:14:05] so I don't need,

[1:14:07] I don't feel like I need

[1:14:08] to say anything extra.

[1:14:09] Except,

[1:14:09] thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:11] Yeah,

[1:14:12] and with that,

[1:14:12] I think we can get

[1:14:14] on to our Jumbotrons.

[1:14:15] We have no

[1:14:15] advertisements this week,

[1:14:17] but we have a few

[1:14:18] messages from folks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:21] So we don't have

[1:14:22] any,

[1:14:23] we don't have a

[1:14:24] Squarespace ad

[1:14:25] where I can do,

[1:14:25] No, you can't.

[1:14:26] I can't do

[1:14:26] pepperonielf.com?

[1:14:28] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:31] Save it for a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:32] I mean, you still can.

[1:14:33] I mean,

[1:14:33] we provide only the,

[1:14:35] I mean, you should save it.

[1:14:36] Only the finest

[1:14:36] elf cured pepperoni,

[1:14:38] but,

[1:14:39] so I have a Jumbotron.

[1:14:40] I'd like to,

[1:14:40] I'll do one

[1:14:41] if that sounds good

[1:14:41] to you guys.

[1:14:43] Sounds great.

[1:14:44] Okay, this message.

[1:14:44] I'm okay with it.

[1:14:45] Okay, great.

[1:14:46] This message is,

[1:14:47] congratulations,

[1:14:48] Windsor,

[1:14:48] on your graduation

[1:14:49] from film school.

[1:14:50] And the further message is,

[1:14:52] congratulations,

[1:14:52] Windsor,

[1:14:53] on your graduation

[1:14:53] from film school.

[1:14:54] We are so proud

[1:14:55] of your accomplishment.

[1:14:56] Even though the entire

[1:14:57] industry is shut down,

[1:14:58] we are sure you will

[1:14:58] find your dream job soon.

[1:15:00] By we,

[1:15:00] of course,

[1:15:01] I'm referring to me,

[1:15:02] parentheses,

[1:15:02] your mom,

[1:15:03] and my best friend,

[1:15:04] Judd Apatow.

[1:15:05] Floppers,

[1:15:05] please offer a hopeful word

[1:15:06] since his commencement

[1:15:07] was canceled.

[1:15:08] I'm so sorry to hear that,

[1:15:10] but congratulations,

[1:15:11] that's great news,

[1:15:12] and the industry

[1:15:13] is in a short-term

[1:15:15] shutdown at the moment,

[1:15:16] but it will come back.

[1:15:17] People need entertainment.

[1:15:18] People need storytelling.

[1:15:20] And something that I keep

[1:15:21] saying in conversation

[1:15:23] with a friend of mine

[1:15:24] who is a theater director,

[1:15:26] or rather,

[1:15:26] what I keep thinking of

[1:15:27] that she said,

[1:15:28] she said,

[1:15:28] I have to remember

[1:15:29] theater companies

[1:15:30] may be in trouble,

[1:15:31] but theater will always continue,

[1:15:33] that theater is not in trouble.

[1:15:34] And I feel like film

[1:15:36] is similar.

[1:15:37] Film companies come and go,

[1:15:39] films come and go,

[1:15:40] but the need for film

[1:15:41] will always be there.

[1:15:42] So don't worry,

[1:15:44] you will get your shot.

[1:15:46] So congratulations,

[1:15:47] that's fantastic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:48] Yay,

[1:15:49] and I have a Jumbotron

[1:15:51] to read as well,

[1:15:51] and I believe this one

[1:15:53] is going to make me

[1:15:54] stretch my acting chops

[1:15:56] a little bit

[1:15:56] and do a voice.

[1:15:58] So let me get this right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:00] But you normally

[1:16:00] do a voice, right?

[1:16:02] Like you are speaking

[1:16:03] with a voice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:04] Yeah, I do.

[1:16:05] Actually, you're right, Elliot.

[1:16:06] Thanks for correcting me.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:07] You know what?

[1:16:10] I'm just going to do that

[1:16:11] whenever Elliot does it.

[1:16:13] Like, that'll be the standard now.

[1:16:14] That's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:16] Okay, okay, okay.

[1:16:16] I think I'm ready, guys.

[1:16:18] Garden Plots with Skeletor

[1:16:20] is a podcast about gardening

[1:16:22] hosted by me, Skeletor.

[1:16:25] Yes, I'm taking time

[1:16:27] between my attacks on He-Man

[1:16:29] to help you botanically

[1:16:31] benighted boobs

[1:16:32] know what it takes

[1:16:33] to keep a Pothos alive.

[1:16:37] Do you want to know

[1:16:38] gardening success?

[1:16:42] Do you want to be kept up to date

[1:16:44] on my many brilliant schemes?

[1:16:47] Do you want to be there

[1:16:49] to witness the crushing defeat

[1:16:50] of He-Man once and for all?

[1:16:53] Subscribe wherever you get

[1:16:54] your podcasts

[1:16:55] and become a master

[1:16:56] of the universe

[1:16:57] and your garden.

[1:17:00] So subscribe to the podcast

[1:17:01] Garden Plots with Skeletor.

[1:17:06] I had a couple of mess-ups.

[1:17:08] Is that okay?

[1:17:09] Is that okay?

[1:17:09] I don't want to note you to death,

Dan McCoy

[1:17:12] but it sounded a little

[1:17:13] like your normal voice.

[1:17:15] Ah, interesting, interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:17] I'm saying,

[1:17:18] and this is a compliment,

[1:17:20] now I'm going to pronounce it

[1:17:21] He-Man from now on.

[1:17:23] I was saying He-Man,

[1:17:24] but I prefer He-Man.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:26] Yeah.

[1:17:27] I will say,

[1:17:27] I mean,

[1:17:27] maybe you're going

[1:17:28] in a different direction

[1:17:29] with your conception

[1:17:31] of Skeletor,

[1:17:32] like a more realistic

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:33] sort of less...

[1:17:34] Well, he didn't sound like

[1:17:36] Frank Langella

[1:17:37] is what you're saying.

[1:17:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:39] Yeah.

[1:17:39] I was trying to really diverge

[1:17:41] from Frank Langella's performance.

[1:17:43] Okay.

[1:17:44] Yeah.

[1:17:45] You got to make it your own.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:46] Yeah, you know.

[1:17:47] Okay.

[1:17:48] Well, what we do now

[1:17:49] is we have letters

[1:17:50] from listeners.

[1:17:53] Listeners?

[1:17:53] Like you?

[1:17:55] Maybe if you send in a letter.

[1:17:56] I can't guarantee it,

[1:17:59] you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:00] You know, Dan,

[1:18:01] it seems to me...

[1:18:03] Okay, Stuart,

[1:18:03] cue the Fife music.

[1:18:05] There is a legend

[1:18:07] from long ago,

[1:18:08] a legend of the letters.

[1:18:12] Words on parchment

[1:18:13] sent along on Ravenclaw

[1:18:15] or the winds of the west.

[1:18:16] These letters reach the eyes

[1:18:19] and ears of floppers

[1:18:20] there and floppers here.

[1:18:22] These letters carry the magic

[1:18:23] of communication

[1:18:25] all across the land.

[1:18:27] When the shadows hang

[1:18:28] along the mountains

[1:18:29] and Gargoral,

[1:18:30] the conqueror,

[1:18:31] sweeps in with his mighty hordes

[1:18:33] to burn your village

[1:18:34] and kill your children.

[1:18:35] Well, there's a letter

[1:18:37] you can write

[1:18:37] to the flop house.

[1:18:39] Tell us about what happened

[1:18:41] and though we can't stop

[1:18:42] the bad guy,

[1:18:43] we can tell you,

[1:18:44] hey, that stinks.

[1:18:45] So send us a letter,

[1:18:47] a missive,

[1:18:48] or perhaps

[1:18:49] just throw some words

[1:18:51] into the scrying pool

[1:18:52] at the edge

[1:18:52] of the haunted glen.

[1:18:54] Perhaps we'll hear it then.

[1:18:58] Letters.

[1:18:58] Oh, I forgot.

[1:18:59] You're a villager

[1:19:00] in the Middle Ages.

[1:19:01] You can't write

[1:19:02] and we can't read.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:08] Thank you, Stuart,

[1:19:09] for the accompaniment.

[1:19:09] Almost as good as the music

[1:19:10] from Hawk the Slayer.

[1:19:12] Beautiful.

[1:19:14] So this first letter

[1:19:16] is from Ari Lastname Withheld,

[1:19:19] who writes,

[1:19:20] After a year of trying

[1:19:22] to convince me

[1:19:23] to check out a podcast,

[1:19:24] any podcast at all,

[1:19:25] but yours specifically,

[1:19:26] I finally caved

[1:19:27] to my partner's whims

[1:19:28] and listened to 2014's

[1:19:31] A Talking Cat?

[1:19:32] on a road trip to NYC.

[1:19:35] I cried with laughter

[1:19:35] and now,

[1:19:36] much like a baby chick

[1:19:37] imprinted on my

[1:19:38] three Flophouse mamas,

[1:19:39] I refuse to follow

[1:19:40] anyone else.

[1:19:42] Lately,

[1:19:42] I've been listening

[1:19:43] in bed at night

[1:19:43] and the best things happened.

[1:19:45] My anxious fever dream

[1:19:46] mind chills out

[1:19:47] to your apparently

[1:19:48] soothing AF voices

[1:19:49] and I fall into

[1:19:51] the sweetest of dreams.

[1:19:53] What I'm trying to say is

[1:19:53] Flophouse seems to be

[1:19:54] a cure for the nightmares

[1:19:55] I've been having

[1:19:56] the last few years,

[1:19:57] so thanks for that.

[1:19:59] Which leads me to...

[1:20:00] You're very welcome.

[1:20:00] What are your favorite

[1:20:02] dream sequences

[1:20:03] or which do you consider

[1:20:04] best slash worst

[1:20:06] in film?

[1:20:07] Love ya,

[1:20:08] Ari.

[1:20:11] You know what

[1:20:12] springs to mind

[1:20:13] is there,

[1:20:14] of course,

[1:20:14] is the dream sequence

[1:20:15] in Spellbound,

[1:20:17] the Hitchcock movie

[1:20:18] that was designed

[1:20:19] by Salvador Dali,

[1:20:20] which is lovely

[1:20:22] and very Dolly-esque.

[1:20:26] And,

[1:20:27] you know,

[1:20:29] I love dream sequences

[1:20:31] that are largely like,

[1:20:32] I don't know,

[1:20:33] like people running around

[1:20:34] with giant cardboard eyes

[1:20:36] in the background

[1:20:37] and stuff like that.

[1:20:39] I also remember that,

[1:20:40] like people gave

[1:20:41] Inception a lot of shit

[1:20:42] because they're like,

[1:20:43] oh,

[1:20:43] you know,

[1:20:43] like this is not

[1:20:44] how dreams work,

[1:20:45] it's not that dreamlike,

[1:20:46] whatever,

[1:20:46] and I'm like,

[1:20:47] and I thought that was so

[1:20:48] alien to my own experience

[1:20:50] because I was like,

[1:20:52] no,

[1:20:52] I mean,

[1:20:53] when I dream,

[1:20:54] like the,

[1:20:55] everything around me

[1:20:56] is fairly realistic,

[1:20:57] it's just that geography

[1:20:59] doesn't make sense

[1:21:00] and time periods merge

[1:21:02] and like,

[1:21:03] you know,

[1:21:03] like stuff like that happens,

[1:21:05] you know,

[1:21:05] like plot lines

[1:21:06] seem to make sense

[1:21:07] in the moment

[1:21:08] but not later on

[1:21:09] when I'm thinking about them.

[1:21:11] But it's not like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:12] interesting.

[1:21:13] I have a rebuttal to this

[1:21:14] in a moment.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:15] Okay,

[1:21:15] go on.

[1:21:15] I mean,

[1:21:15] I'm just saying that

[1:21:16] I don't like dream

[1:21:17] in sort of like

[1:21:18] a Terry Gilliam-esque

[1:21:19] sort of fantastic universe

[1:21:22] or anything like that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:24] You don't have an imaginarium,

[1:21:25] is what you're saying.

[1:21:26] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:27] Dr. Parnassus

[1:21:28] does not show up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:30] Now,

[1:21:30] here's the,

[1:21:30] now I,

[1:21:31] my favorite dream sequence

[1:21:32] in movies is similar.

[1:21:33] My favorite is

[1:21:34] in the original

[1:21:35] Manchurian Candidate

[1:21:36] when they're having dreams

[1:21:37] that have been implanted

[1:21:39] by the brainwashers,

[1:21:40] the commie brainwashers,

[1:21:42] but their real memories

[1:21:44] are leaking through

[1:21:44] and so they're remembering

[1:21:45] being stuck

[1:21:47] at a garden convention

[1:21:49] with a bunch of ladies

[1:21:50] talking about flowers

[1:21:51] that are actually

[1:21:52] communist agents

[1:21:53] talking about assassination.

[1:21:54] And what I like about that

[1:21:55] is like Dan is saying,

[1:21:56] it is not shot

[1:21:57] woozy

[1:21:58] or like gooey.

[1:21:59] It's like,

[1:22:00] it's very matter of fact,

[1:22:02] but the things

[1:22:02] that are happening

[1:22:03] are somewhat bizarre

[1:22:05] that the,

[1:22:06] that the imagery is,

[1:22:07] but it's shot

[1:22:08] in a matter of fact way

[1:22:09] and it's just a strange

[1:22:10] situation that feels real.

[1:22:11] On the other hand,

[1:22:12] here's my issue

[1:22:13] with the dreams

[1:22:14] in Inception

[1:22:14] because that's what

[1:22:15] I was going to say

[1:22:15] is not the worst

[1:22:16] dream sequences

[1:22:17] in movies,

[1:22:18] not at all,

[1:22:19] but that my problem

[1:22:20] with the dreams

[1:22:21] in Inception are

[1:22:22] they are so not personal

[1:22:23] to Killian Murphy

[1:22:25] because we're supposed

[1:22:26] to be in his head,

[1:22:26] right?

[1:22:27] Yeah.

[1:22:28] And it's like,

[1:22:29] when I have dreams,

[1:22:30] the people in it

[1:22:30] are people I've known,

[1:22:31] the situations

[1:22:32] are situations

[1:22:33] I've been in

[1:22:33] and it's not like,

[1:22:35] it's not like

[1:22:36] Willy Wonka

[1:22:36] Fantasmagorical

[1:22:37] or anything,

[1:22:38] but I don't have a dream

[1:22:39] where it's just

[1:22:40] an action sequence

[1:22:41] from a James Bond movie

[1:22:42] on the snowy slopes

[1:22:43] of the Alps

[1:22:44] or like a dream sequence

[1:22:45] where it's just

[1:22:46] a nondescript

[1:22:46] office building

[1:22:47] or a hotel.

[1:22:48] Like my dreams

[1:22:49] are places I've been

[1:22:50] and people I know

[1:22:51] in new configurations

[1:22:52] and like I've had

[1:22:53] so many dreams

[1:22:53] about being at

[1:22:55] The Daily Show

[1:22:55] and being like,

[1:22:56] I don't work here anymore,

[1:22:57] why do I have to

[1:22:57] write a script now?

[1:22:58] Like,

[1:22:58] then they're like,

[1:22:59] where's the script?

[1:22:59] Rehearsals in 10 minutes.

[1:23:01] Like,

[1:23:01] I would have rather

[1:23:01] Inception had a lot

[1:23:02] of dreams

[1:23:03] where he was like

[1:23:03] disappointing his family

[1:23:05] or like having trouble

[1:23:06] at work

[1:23:06] or things like that.

[1:23:07] You know,

[1:23:08] dream stuff,

[1:23:08] but it would still

[1:23:09] be shot the same way.

[1:23:10] Yeah.

[1:23:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:12] What do you think, Stu?

[1:23:13] So I would say

[1:23:14] you guys are both wrong.

[1:23:17] The best dream sequences

[1:23:19] in film,

[1:23:20] number one,

[1:23:22] involves a hamburger

[1:23:25] getting up off of a grill

[1:23:26] and playing

[1:23:27] Everybody Wants Some.

[1:23:29] Now,

[1:23:29] is that a dream sequence?

[1:23:31] Daydream.

[1:23:31] Yeah,

[1:23:31] that's a daydream.

[1:23:34] Okay,

[1:23:35] I didn't realize

[1:23:36] that's how we were

[1:23:36] splitting airs.

[1:23:38] And then,

[1:23:39] I don't know,

[1:23:40] runner up is,

[1:23:41] I guess,

[1:23:42] the masquerade ball

[1:23:43] in Labyrinth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:45] Now,

[1:23:46] I was going to assume

[1:23:46] that you would pick

[1:23:47] something from the

[1:23:47] Nightmare on Elm Street series

[1:23:48] since there's so many

[1:23:49] dreams in that.

[1:23:50] Oh,

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:50] you would think that,

[1:23:51] wouldn't you?

[1:23:53] Now,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:53] I feel like I'm

[1:23:53] stereotyping you.

[1:23:54] I apologize.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:55] Well,

[1:23:56] I mean,

[1:23:56] it's my understanding

[1:23:57] that he's not

[1:23:58] such a Nightmare fan.

[1:23:59] And you know what?

[1:24:00] I used to be

[1:24:01] with him.

[1:24:02] I'm just not into

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:03] a bad guy

[1:24:03] whose arms stretch

[1:24:04] out that far.

[1:24:05] It's too scary.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:07] That's the thing.

[1:24:07] Like,

[1:24:08] everyone talks about

[1:24:09] how scary

[1:24:10] the first one is.

[1:24:11] I'm like,

[1:24:11] really?

[1:24:11] Have you seen

[1:24:12] those janky

[1:24:13] long arms

[1:24:13] that he has?

[1:24:15] But I do like

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:17] the weirdness.

[1:24:17] The fact that he's

[1:24:18] a villain who wears

[1:24:18] a sweater and a hat

[1:24:19] is right off the bat

[1:24:20] takes the scariness

[1:24:21] down a little bit

[1:24:22] for me.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:23] I do like the weirdness,

[1:24:24] though,

[1:24:24] of the later

[1:24:25] Nightmare movies

[1:24:27] where it's really

[1:24:29] like fantasy horror

[1:24:30] weirdness

[1:24:31] and,

[1:24:31] you know,

[1:24:31] people are turning

[1:24:32] into

[1:24:33] exercising cockroaches

[1:24:37] that get trapped

[1:24:37] in a roach motel.

[1:24:39] Like,

[1:24:39] that's pretty great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:42] It's a good series

[1:24:43] of movies.

[1:24:44] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:45] So,

[1:24:46] moving on

[1:24:46] to the next letter.

[1:24:49] This is from

[1:24:50] Seth Lasting Withheld

[1:24:52] who writes,

[1:24:53] I was pleased to hear

[1:24:54] that Elliot's kid

[1:24:55] has been watching

[1:24:56] slash listening to

[1:24:57] Newsies.

[1:24:58] I credit the original

[1:24:59] Disney motion picture

[1:25:00] with radicalizing me

[1:25:02] as a child.

[1:25:03] It taught me that

[1:25:03] even the seemingly

[1:25:04] powerless could prevail

[1:25:06] over injustice

[1:25:06] if they stood

[1:25:07] united.

[1:25:09] And also that

[1:25:09] Santa Fe was

[1:25:10] allegedly dope.

[1:25:12] That healthy

[1:25:12] base of Newsies

[1:25:13] mixed with the

[1:25:14] punk music

[1:25:15] of my teenage years

[1:25:16] turned me into

[1:25:17] the godless anarchist

[1:25:18] I remain to this day.

[1:25:20] So,

[1:25:21] my question for all

[1:25:22] of you is as follows.

[1:25:24] Are there any movies

[1:25:25] that you watched

[1:25:25] as a child that,

[1:25:27] looking back,

[1:25:28] you believe

[1:25:28] shaped your moral compass?

[1:25:30] Or kid-friendly movies

[1:25:31] that have come out

[1:25:32] since your childhood,

[1:25:33] which the parents

[1:25:34] among us

[1:25:35] could use to prime

[1:25:36] the next generation

[1:25:37] of floppers

[1:25:38] to be respectable

[1:25:39] young radicals?

[1:25:41] No gods,

[1:25:42] no masters,

[1:25:43] Seth Lassening withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:47] I was thinking about this

[1:25:48] and it was hard for me

[1:25:49] to think of specific

[1:25:50] movies that shaped

[1:25:51] my morality

[1:25:52] because I feel like

[1:25:53] my morality was so

[1:25:54] shaped by Marvel comic

[1:25:55] books and the tenets

[1:25:57] that Spider-Man

[1:25:58] particularly espoused

[1:26:00] and to a lesser extent

[1:26:01] Captain America.

[1:26:02] But I would say

[1:26:04] a movie I was going

[1:26:05] to mention

[1:26:06] when I just knew

[1:26:07] the question

[1:26:08] but didn't know

[1:26:08] the whole context

[1:26:09] was Newsies

[1:26:09] because ironically,

[1:26:11] I think Newsies,

[1:26:12] not ironically,

[1:26:13] strangely,

[1:26:14] Newsies has been

[1:26:14] really helpful

[1:26:15] in explaining

[1:26:16] to Sammy

[1:26:17] kind of what's

[1:26:18] going on

[1:26:18] with the Black Lives

[1:26:19] Matters movement

[1:26:19] and those protests

[1:26:20] to kind of

[1:26:22] help him understand

[1:26:23] why a protest happens

[1:26:24] and what mass action

[1:26:26] looks like

[1:26:27] and kind of

[1:26:28] who does it.

[1:26:28] Newsies is a good

[1:26:29] primer on that

[1:26:30] which is ironic

[1:26:31] because Disney

[1:26:32] is such a notoriously

[1:26:33] and traditionally

[1:26:34] anti-union company.

[1:26:36] Like literally

[1:26:36] the crisis moment

[1:26:38] when Walt Disney

[1:26:38] was there

[1:26:39] was when the animators

[1:26:40] tried to unionize

[1:26:41] and he had a

[1:26:42] basically like

[1:26:44] a panic breakdown

[1:26:45] and it was never

[1:26:46] quite the same

[1:26:46] there ever since.

[1:26:47] But I would say

[1:26:49] that a movie

[1:26:49] that came out

[1:26:50] that I am looking

[1:26:51] forward to

[1:26:51] reshowing my son

[1:26:52] because he was

[1:26:53] a little too young

[1:26:54] when I showed up

[1:26:54] to him the first time

[1:26:55] is The Iron Giant

[1:26:56] which I've always

[1:26:58] found really beautiful

[1:26:59] partly because

[1:27:01] it really spreads

[1:27:02] a healthy disrespect

[1:27:03] for national intelligence

[1:27:04] and military leadership

[1:27:06] and the idea

[1:27:07] of military strength

[1:27:10] as the go-to

[1:27:12] for how you should

[1:27:13] interact with the world

[1:27:14] but that

[1:27:15] the whole message

[1:27:16] of The Giant

[1:27:16] being basically

[1:27:18] a living weapon

[1:27:18] who chooses to

[1:27:19] turn off that programming

[1:27:21] and sacrifice himself

[1:27:22] and at the end

[1:27:23] when he's remembering

[1:27:25] Hogarth saying

[1:27:25] you are who you choose

[1:27:26] to be

[1:27:27] and he sacrifices himself

[1:27:28] to save the town

[1:27:29] like I cry

[1:27:30] every single time

[1:27:30] and I just think

[1:27:31] it's a beautiful movie

[1:27:32] about a character

[1:27:34] who

[1:27:35] when he resorts

[1:27:36] to violence

[1:27:37] he knows he's making

[1:27:38] a mistake

[1:27:38] and he needs

[1:27:39] to not do that

[1:27:40] and that the way

[1:27:41] he can best help people

[1:27:42] is by

[1:27:43] not being

[1:27:46] a killing machine

[1:27:47] but instead

[1:27:48] being like a real hero

[1:27:50] so I really like

[1:27:50] that movie a lot

[1:27:51] again it's a little

[1:27:52] too violent

[1:27:52] I showed it to him

[1:27:53] when he was younger

[1:27:53] it is a little

[1:27:54] too violent

[1:27:55] for young young kids

[1:27:56] because there's

[1:27:57] a ton of explosions

[1:27:58] and stuff

[1:27:58] especially at the end

[1:27:59] but anyway

[1:28:01] that's the movie

[1:28:02] I would say

[1:28:02] I'm having a hard

Dan McCoy

[1:28:06] time with this one

[1:28:06] too

[1:28:07] partly because

[1:28:08] I have a hard

[1:28:08] time remembering

[1:28:09] what my favorite

[1:28:10] movies were

[1:28:11] when I was

[1:28:11] genuinely young

[1:28:13] like

[1:28:13] I remember

[1:28:14] that once I was

[1:28:16] sort of

[1:28:17] in my teens

[1:28:18] the movies I watched

[1:28:19] over and over again

[1:28:20] were Heathers

[1:28:21] Aliens

[1:28:22] and

[1:28:23] shoot

[1:28:25] Army of Darkness

[1:28:26] which

[1:28:27] I don't think

[1:28:28] any of those

[1:28:29] are necessarily

[1:28:30] what you should

[1:28:31] turn to for

[1:28:32] moral guidance

[1:28:33] per se

[1:28:34] they're

[1:28:35] they're amoral

[1:28:36] movies

[1:28:37] well

[1:28:38] in some ways

[1:28:40] I mean

[1:28:40] somewhat

[1:28:41] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:42] but

[1:28:42] Army of Darkness

[1:28:43] is

[1:28:44] if you were

[1:28:45] like what's

[1:28:46] the message

[1:28:46] of that movie

[1:28:47] you'd be like

[1:28:47] I'm not

[1:28:48] sure

[1:28:48] yeah that's true

Dan McCoy

[1:28:51] and the thing

[1:28:53] is like

[1:28:53] stuff I really

[1:28:54] dug as a kid

[1:28:55] you know like

[1:28:55] Sherlock Holmes

[1:28:57] and Uncle Scrooge

[1:28:58] kind of gave me

[1:28:58] a lot of the wrong

[1:28:59] lessons about

[1:29:00] overvaluing

[1:29:01] intelligence

[1:29:03] and money

[1:29:04] so

[1:29:04] I'll just

[1:29:06] pivot

[1:29:08] and use this

[1:29:09] as a

[1:29:10] way to

[1:29:12] compliment my

[1:29:14] family

[1:29:14] you know

[1:29:16] my

[1:29:16] father and

[1:29:18] mother

[1:29:18] who like

[1:29:19] were religious

[1:29:21] but not in any

[1:29:22] sort of exclusionary

[1:29:23] way

[1:29:24] in sort of

[1:29:25] like I feel

[1:29:25] like the

[1:29:26] purest

[1:29:27] vision

[1:29:28] of the

[1:29:29] best parts

[1:29:29] of Christianity

[1:29:30] where

[1:29:31] all

[1:29:32] are deserving

[1:29:33] of love

[1:29:33] and care

[1:29:35] and

[1:29:36] not to be

[1:29:37] discriminated

[1:29:37] against

[1:29:38] and

[1:29:38] my brother

[1:29:40] is showing

[1:29:40] me that

[1:29:41] sort of

[1:29:41] love

[1:29:41] and I

[1:29:41] remember

[1:29:42] my brother

[1:29:43] John

[1:29:43] saying

[1:29:45] you know

[1:29:46] like

[1:29:46] you're gonna

[1:29:46] grow up

[1:29:47] you're gonna

[1:29:47] fall in love

[1:29:47] with people

[1:29:48] maybe you're

[1:29:48] falling in love

[1:29:49] with a man

[1:29:50] maybe you're

[1:29:51] which means

[1:29:51] that you're

[1:29:52] you're gay

[1:29:52] but it

[1:29:53] doesn't

[1:29:53] matter

[1:29:53] you know

[1:29:54] I will

[1:29:54] love you

[1:29:54] no matter

[1:29:55] what

[1:29:56] that is

[1:29:56] fine

[1:29:56] and

[1:29:57] to have

[1:29:58] that

[1:29:58] message

[1:29:58] given to

[1:29:59] me

[1:29:59] when I

[1:30:01] grew up

[1:30:02] in the

[1:30:02] middle of

[1:30:03] the country

[1:30:05] let's say

[1:30:05] where such

[1:30:06] things were

[1:30:07] not

[1:30:07] a message

[1:30:10] given out

[1:30:10] as much as

[1:30:11] it should

[1:30:11] have been

[1:30:12] particularly

[1:30:13] when I

[1:30:14] grew up

[1:30:15] was a

[1:30:16] wonderful

[1:30:16] gift

[1:30:17] and so

[1:30:17] maybe

[1:30:18] we

[1:30:19] shouldn't

[1:30:19] look to

[1:30:20] Hollywood

[1:30:21] movies

[1:30:21] for our

[1:30:22] moral

[1:30:22] lessons

[1:30:22] because

[1:30:23] often

[1:30:23] they

[1:30:23] have

[1:30:24] really

[1:30:24] weird

[1:30:25] hidden

[1:30:26] ones

[1:30:26] that

[1:30:26] aren't

[1:30:26] so

[1:30:27] good

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:27] now

[1:30:28] technically

[1:30:28] Dan

[1:30:29] I think

[1:30:29] you should

[1:30:30] if you're

[1:30:30] going to be

[1:30:31] giving your

[1:30:31] family a

[1:30:31] shout out

[1:30:32] that's a

[1:30:32] jumbotron

[1:30:33] but I

[1:30:34] guess

[1:30:34] we all

[1:30:35] did it

[1:30:35] the hat

[1:30:38] trick

[1:30:38] no and

[1:30:39] I'm

[1:30:39] that actually

[1:30:40] like

[1:30:40] leads

[1:30:41] to what

[1:30:42] I was

[1:30:42] going to

[1:30:42] say

[1:30:43] I feel

[1:30:43] like

[1:30:43] so much

[1:30:44] of

[1:30:44] so much

[1:30:46] of the

[1:30:46] movies I

[1:30:46] watch

[1:30:46] growing

[1:30:47] up

[1:30:47] I've

[1:30:48] had to

[1:30:48] deprogram

[1:30:49] myself

[1:30:49] from

[1:30:50] growing up

[1:30:52] in a

[1:30:52] house

[1:30:53] with

[1:30:53] just my

[1:30:55] younger

[1:30:55] brother

[1:30:56] I feel

[1:30:56] like

[1:30:57] I didn't

[1:30:57] have a

[1:30:57] lot of

[1:30:58] feminine

[1:30:59] influences

[1:30:59] in my

[1:31:00] life

[1:31:00] and

[1:31:01] I've

[1:31:02] had to

[1:31:02] unlearn

[1:31:03] a lot

[1:31:04] of

[1:31:04] dumb

[1:31:05] bullshit

[1:31:05] in my

[1:31:05] head

[1:31:06] over

[1:31:06] the years

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:08] well I

[1:31:09] think

[1:31:09] what you're

[1:31:10] saying

[1:31:10] what Dan's

[1:31:10] saying

[1:31:11] are both

[1:31:11] of a

[1:31:11] piece

[1:31:12] in that

[1:31:12] like

[1:31:12] you

[1:31:13] can't

[1:31:13] I don't

[1:31:14] think

[1:31:14] that

[1:31:14] the

[1:31:14] question

[1:31:15] writer

[1:31:15] is

[1:31:15] saying

[1:31:16] they're

[1:31:16] going to

[1:31:16] do

[1:31:16] this

[1:31:16] but you

[1:31:17] can't

[1:31:17] outsource

[1:31:17] teaching

[1:31:18] morality

[1:31:19] to your

[1:31:19] children

[1:31:20] to

[1:31:20] entertainment

[1:31:21] or any

[1:31:22] kind of

[1:31:22] culture

[1:31:23] like

[1:31:23] that's

[1:31:23] the

[1:31:23] responsibility

[1:31:24] of a

[1:31:24] parent

[1:31:25] to lead

[1:31:25] them through

[1:31:25] it and

[1:31:25] also to

[1:31:26] be there

[1:31:26] so that

[1:31:27] when they're

[1:31:27] watching things

[1:31:28] you can

[1:31:28] parse it

[1:31:28] with them

[1:31:29] and say

[1:31:29] like

[1:31:29] this part

[1:31:30] interpret it

[1:31:30] yeah

[1:31:31] this part

[1:31:32] you have

[1:31:33] to understand

[1:31:33] this way

[1:31:34] this part

[1:31:34] you have

[1:31:34] to understand

[1:31:34] this way

[1:31:35] and like

[1:31:36] to be ready

[1:31:38] to disavow

[1:31:40] things that

[1:31:41] you might

[1:31:41] love

[1:31:42] that don't

[1:31:43] have that

[1:31:43] proper message

[1:31:44] I mean like

[1:31:45] there are certain

[1:31:45] things that I'm

[1:31:46] really looking forward

[1:31:46] to showing my

[1:31:47] kids but they

[1:31:47] have to be

[1:31:48] old enough

[1:31:48] that I can

[1:31:48] talk to them

[1:31:49] and say

[1:31:49] okay this is

[1:31:50] why this is

[1:31:51] not how you

[1:31:52] interact with

[1:31:52] the world

[1:31:53] like this is

[1:31:54] not something

[1:31:55] to draw

[1:31:56] lessons from

[1:31:56] why these

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:56] nerds

[1:31:57] should not

[1:31:58] be getting

[1:31:58] revenge

[1:31:58] we are not

[1:32:00] watching those

[1:32:01] movies for a

[1:32:01] variety of

[1:32:02] reasons

[1:32:02] I mean

[1:32:02] they're not

[1:32:03] good

[1:32:03] in which

[1:32:04] they go

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:05] about it

[1:32:06] oh

[1:32:07] yeah

[1:32:10] oh boy

[1:32:10] ah but

[1:32:11] even like

[1:32:11] there's stuff

[1:32:12] like

[1:32:12] even movies

[1:32:13] like

[1:32:14] Robocop

[1:32:15] which ostensibly

[1:32:15] have like

[1:32:16] an anti-corporate

[1:32:17] and anti

[1:32:17] anti-police

[1:32:20] message to a

[1:32:21] certain extent

[1:32:21] there's still

[1:32:22] underneath it

[1:32:22] there's still

[1:32:23] that subtext

[1:32:24] that violence

[1:32:25] is the solution

[1:32:25] to

[1:32:26] problems

[1:32:27] and like

[1:32:27] that's not

[1:32:27] the subtext

[1:32:29] to so many

[1:32:29] movies is

[1:32:30] look at a

[1:32:31] certain point

[1:32:32] you have to

[1:32:32] shoot somebody

[1:32:33] or punch them

[1:32:33] and it's

[1:32:34] something that

[1:32:34] I've mentioned

[1:32:35] spider-man comics

[1:32:36] before

[1:32:36] like the

[1:32:37] principles that

[1:32:38] Peter Parker

[1:32:38] espouses are so

[1:32:39] important to me

[1:32:39] but I started

[1:32:40] reading spider-man

[1:32:41] comics to my

[1:32:41] kids and I'm

[1:32:42] like oh a lot

[1:32:42] of this is just

[1:32:43] him punching

[1:32:43] or kicking

[1:32:44] people in the

[1:32:44] face I think

[1:32:45] we're gonna

[1:32:45] take a break

[1:32:46] from these

[1:32:46] for a long

[1:32:47] time

[1:32:47] so so

[1:32:50] instead we're

[1:32:50] mostly reading

[1:32:51] old fantastic

[1:32:52] four comics

[1:32:53] in which there's

[1:32:54] not that much

[1:32:54] hitting and

[1:32:55] there's a

[1:32:55] surprising

[1:32:56] amount of

[1:32:56] just meeting

[1:32:57] people from

[1:32:57] other meeting

[1:32:58] new types of

[1:32:58] people and

[1:32:59] liking them

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:00] yeah you're

[1:33:01] not just

[1:33:01] reading bone

[1:33:02] over and over

[1:33:03] or something

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:03] we have we

[1:33:05] actually we

[1:33:06] haven't we

[1:33:07] haven't started

[1:33:07] reading bone I

[1:33:08] do want to

[1:33:08] read that to

[1:33:09] them

[1:33:09] unless that one's

[1:33:11] not okay anymore

[1:33:12] is there new

[1:33:13] stuff about bone

[1:33:13] that I should

[1:33:14] know no it's

Dan McCoy

[1:33:15] okay okay let's

[1:33:17] move on to the

[1:33:18] final segment okay

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:20] oh to be honest I

[1:33:20] should say people

[1:33:21] might find this

[1:33:22] interesting that uh

[1:33:23] the one comic book

[1:33:24] thing that my kids

[1:33:24] want me to read to

[1:33:25] them over and over

[1:33:25] again is there's an

[1:33:27] issue of silver

[1:33:27] surfer that I have

[1:33:28] in a trade paperback

[1:33:29] that Jim Starlin

[1:33:30] wrote and Ron

[1:33:30] Liv drew where the

[1:33:31] impossible man sings

[1:33:32] his parody version of

[1:33:34] make them laugh from

[1:33:35] singing in the rain

[1:33:35] and every single

[1:33:37] morning it'll be

[1:33:37] like six in the

[1:33:38] morning Gabriel

[1:33:39] will wake up he's

[1:33:40] like almost one and

[1:33:41] a half now no he's

[1:33:42] almost two now he's

[1:33:42] over one he's almost

[1:33:43] two now and he'll

[1:33:44] be like the silver

[1:33:45] surfer make them

[1:33:46] laugh sing it and

[1:33:47] I'll start I'll start

[1:33:48] saying he's like not

[1:33:49] in the book and so

[1:33:50] I have to go get the

[1:33:50] book and like open it

[1:33:51] up so he can look at

[1:33:52] it and so that's

[1:33:54] that's so if you're

[1:33:55] looking at the uh

[1:33:56] Venn diagram of

[1:33:57] culture that is

[1:33:57] interesting to my

[1:33:58] almost two-year-old

[1:33:59] right now it is

[1:34:00] uh singing in the

[1:34:01] rain and the

[1:34:02] impossible man and

[1:34:04] where that when

[1:34:04] that overlaps

[1:34:05] is what he's

[1:34:05] really into

[1:34:06] uh now we talk

Dan McCoy

[1:34:10] about movies that

[1:34:11] we would like to

[1:34:12] recommend that let's

[1:34:14] say you could watch

[1:34:14] in addition to

[1:34:15] hawk the slayer if

[1:34:16] you have yeah yeah

[1:34:18] yeah we all have

[1:34:18] infinite time and we

[1:34:20] can watch whatever

[1:34:20] uh what else

[1:34:22] infinite chest

[1:34:22] yeah and infinite

[1:34:24] chest sitting on our

[1:34:25] uh bookshelf maybe

[1:34:27] we got 90 pages into

[1:34:28] it and uh thought

[1:34:30] this isn't going

[1:34:32] enough of anywhere

[1:34:32] that I care about

[1:34:33] I'll just go back

[1:34:34] and read some of

[1:34:36] the essays instead

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:37] I mean I'll admit

[1:34:38] I have never never

[1:34:39] even cracked open the

[1:34:40] book I'll say it's

[1:34:41] one I never made it

[1:34:42] past looking at it at

[1:34:43] the book on the

[1:34:44] bookshelf and being

[1:34:44] like hmm that seems

[1:34:46] like a lot of book

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:47] uh to what who's the

[1:34:50] I'm like who's the

[1:34:52] bad guy is it zombies

[1:34:54] is it a wizard I can't

[1:34:58] tell from the jacket so

[1:34:59] I'll just put it back

[1:35:00] on the shelf is it a

Dan McCoy

[1:35:02] guy named jest who

[1:35:03] lives infinitely I'm

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:06] not getting I'm not

[1:35:06] getting a poison flower

[1:35:08] duel vibe from this

Dan McCoy

[1:35:09] book exactly uh okay I

[1:35:12] I don't have a full

[1:35:15] throated recommendation

[1:35:16] this week but I could

[1:35:17] not sleep

[1:35:17] just half throat it

[1:35:18] half throat it Dan

[1:35:18] I'll half throat it

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:19] so uh this week no I

[1:35:21] don't like that either

Dan McCoy

[1:35:22] um this uh yet last

[1:35:24] night I could not

[1:35:25] sleep as I imagine uh

[1:35:27] many of us have gone

[1:35:28] through from time to

[1:35:29] time during this

[1:35:30] extremely stressful

[1:35:31] part in uh our

[1:35:33] nation in the world's

[1:35:34] history um and so I

[1:35:37] watched uh knock off

[1:35:39] the Jean-Claude Van

[1:35:41] Damme movie um uh

[1:35:44] with Rob Schneider as

[1:35:45] well uh how do you

[1:35:46] pronounce the director's

[1:35:47] name I'm not really

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:48] it's pronounced Rob

[1:35:49] Schneider okay no it's

Dan McCoy

[1:35:52] uh Sui Hark Sui Hark

[1:35:55] oh yeah yeah yeah like uh

[1:35:57] Sui Hark I think well

[1:35:58] known uh uh martial

[1:36:01] arts uh mostly director

[1:36:03] um he did Once Upon a

[1:36:05] Time in China uh he did

[1:36:07] Iron Monkey he did a

[1:36:08] bunch of stuff uh and he

[1:36:10] also made a couple

[1:36:11] movies with Van Damme uh

[1:36:13] this one and Double

[1:36:14] Team and um look I'm

[1:36:17] not gonna make a lot of

[1:36:18] uh uh uh claims for this

[1:36:21] movie at a certain

[1:36:22] point oh you're not

[1:36:23] lost no at a certain

[1:36:25] point I completely lost

[1:36:26] track of what was

[1:36:27] supposedly happening

[1:36:28] and uh there's a

[1:36:30] little less crazy action

[1:36:32] in it than I would like

[1:36:33] for a movie that has

[1:36:34] these sporadic amazing

[1:36:36] uh bursts of crazy

[1:36:37] action but it is a movie

[1:36:39] about uh knockoff jeans

[1:36:41] uh that one might wear

[1:36:43] uh that have uh nanobot

[1:36:46] explode d things in them

[1:36:48] bombs I guess they're

[1:36:49] called although you know

[1:36:51] exploding things is

[1:36:51] something I'm trying to

[1:36:52] get to catch on and uh

[1:36:54] do it and there's a

[1:36:55] point at which um uh

[1:36:58] Rob Schneider whips Van

[1:37:00] Damme's butt with an

[1:37:01] eel so if you know that's

[1:37:04] something you can't

[1:37:05] sounds great you can't

[1:37:06] buy you just can't buy it

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:07] anymore no you can buy it

[1:37:08] you can't you can buy it

[1:37:10] you can buy this movie

Dan McCoy

[1:37:11] oh right yeah I thought

[1:37:13] you meant that I could get

[1:37:14] on like a cameo with Van

[1:37:15] Damme and Rob Schneider

[1:37:17] possible I don't know

[1:37:18] eel maybe certainly

[1:37:19] probably the cheap

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:21] they're offering they're

[1:37:23] offering cameo zoom calls

[1:37:25] now where you can have a

[1:37:26] chat with Jeremy Piven for

[1:37:28] like fifteen thousand

[1:37:29] dollars for ten minutes

Dan McCoy

[1:37:30] pay to not talk to Jeremy

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:32] Piven that's twenty

[1:37:34] thousand dollars Dan I'm

[1:37:35] sorry well it's worth it

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] I just I like to add that

[1:37:38] you're like this is the

[1:37:39] movie you can't buy that

[1:37:40] kind of thing but well

[1:37:41] then wait so is it not a

Dan McCoy

[1:37:43] movie that exists actually

[1:37:44] it is on Amazon Prime so if

[1:37:46] you're paying for Amazon

[1:37:47] Prime sure you can you can

[1:37:49] see it right now guys

[1:37:51] what do you have to

[1:37:51] recommend Stuart I'm

[1:37:53] gonna point to you cool

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:54] I'm gonna recommend a

[1:37:56] thriller from 1992 called

[1:37:58] Deep Cover that's right

[1:38:00] directed by Bill Duke who's

[1:38:03] a character actor and a

[1:38:04] director you might know

[1:38:06] him from Commando you

[1:38:07] might know him as Mac from

[1:38:08] Predator and Deep Cover

[1:38:11] is as you would imagine

[1:38:13] it's about a it's a about a

[1:38:16] damaged but idealistic police

[1:38:18] officer who played by

[1:38:20] Lawrence Fishburne or

[1:38:21] Larry Fishburne as the

[1:38:22] credits call him and that's

[1:38:24] how he used to go that's

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:25] what he used to go by he

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:27] goes undercover and

[1:38:28] becomes a drug dealer

[1:38:29] working alongside Jeff

[1:38:31] Goldblum and it's two

[1:38:34] two great actors at kind

[1:38:36] of like kind of peak

[1:38:37] sexiness maybe not for

[1:38:39] Goldblum you know he's

[1:38:40] been you know you know

[1:38:41] the fly and earth girls

[1:38:43] are you know he's great

[1:38:44] so you're saying his peak

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:45] sexiness was in earth

[1:38:46] girls were easy where he

[1:38:48] was kind of like a covered

[1:38:49] in blue fur or the fly

[1:38:50] I mean those are very

Dan McCoy

[1:38:53] short parts of their

[1:38:54] respective movies

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:55] I guess that's I mean the

[1:39:00] fly is about him turning

[1:39:01] into a fly yeah but I

Dan McCoy

[1:39:03] mean it's shaved pretty

[1:39:04] early and earth girls are

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:05] easy but Deep Cover is

[1:39:08] like a like a 90s noir the

[1:39:10] soundtrack is great it's

[1:39:13] shot really well it's got

[1:39:16] so many awesome like lurid

[1:39:17] colors it's just a

[1:39:19] beautiful looking movie and

[1:39:21] it's edited well and it

[1:39:22] kind of all fits together

[1:39:23] with this like pulsing

[1:39:25] soundtrack if it's like a

[1:39:28] little bit grimy and

[1:39:30] also sexy it's great check

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:31] it out I'm gonna recommend

[1:39:34] a movie from 2015 that's

[1:39:36] right 21st century

[1:39:37] everybody wow yep I'm

[1:39:39] gonna recommend do I get

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:40] the do I get the old

[1:39:41] movie prize of the episode

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:42] I think you do yeah

[1:39:44] strangely enough what's

[1:39:45] going on I'm gonna

[1:39:46] recommend the movie slow

[1:39:48] west starring Cody

[1:39:50] Smith McPhee that's

[1:39:51] right the second night

[1:39:52] crawler and Michael

[1:39:53] Fassbender that's right

[1:39:55] the guy from Prometheus

[1:39:57] was the character's name

[1:39:58] Michael Jones Prometheus

[1:40:02] Jones yeah and it is a

[1:40:05] kind of it's written and

[1:40:07] directed by John McLean

[1:40:09] or McLean I don't know

[1:40:10] exactly how it's

[1:40:10] pronounced but uh it's a

[1:40:12] sort of uh Prometheus

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:14] Jones sounds like a

[1:40:15] 2000 AD comic yeah it

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:17] does it does sound like a

[1:40:18] 2000 AD comic uh and

[1:40:20] he's like an amoral uh

[1:40:21] like what interplanetary

[1:40:22] like gambler and bounty

[1:40:23] hunter something like

[1:40:24] that yeah and they're

[1:40:25] supposed to be funny but

[1:40:26] you're like is this where

[1:40:28] are the jokes uh so it

[1:40:31] is about a it's kind of a

[1:40:33] picaresque uh western

[1:40:34] uh scotsman a young man

[1:40:36] who goes out to the

[1:40:38] american west to find the

[1:40:39] woman he loves who has

[1:40:40] run off after a

[1:40:42] misunderstanding uh in

[1:40:43] their native Scotland and

[1:40:45] finds himself so

[1:40:46] incredibly ill-equipped for

[1:40:48] existing out on the

[1:40:49] frontier and uh gets

[1:40:51] matched up with michael

[1:40:52] fassbender's character who

[1:40:53] is a bounty hunter who at

[1:40:55] first is helping him

[1:40:56] because he knows but the

[1:40:57] scotsman doesn't know

[1:40:58] that there is a bounty on

[1:40:59] the woman that he's

[1:41:00] looking for and this guy's

[1:41:01] gonna lead him right to

[1:41:02] it but they come to uh

[1:41:04] help and appreciate each

[1:41:05] other eventually and it

[1:41:07] feels a little bit like

[1:41:08] if the more if the less

[1:41:11] goofy moments of uh the

[1:41:13] ballot of buster scruggs

[1:41:14] was a full movie then it

[1:41:16] might be something like

[1:41:16] this it's called slow it's

[1:41:18] called slow west but it's

[1:41:19] not actually that's i put

[1:41:20] off watching it for a

[1:41:21] while because i was worried

[1:41:21] it was gonna be super slow

[1:41:22] but it is actually not that

[1:41:24] slow it moves at a at a at

[1:41:26] a very easy but nice pace

[1:41:27] and uh there's some really

[1:41:29] cool choreographed uh kind

[1:41:31] of shoot-em-up scenes but

[1:41:32] there's also some sweet stuff

[1:41:33] in it and some funny stuff in

[1:41:35] it and i ended up liking it

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:36] a lot and uh what's uh

[1:41:39] what's that other guy that's

[1:41:40] in that movie uh i mean ben

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:42] mendelson's in it yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:43] yeah okay is that the guy

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:47] that you referred to i mean

[1:41:48] there's other guys in it

[1:41:49] it's not just the three

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:49] guys but no but what if it

[1:41:52] was a stage play of three

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:53] guys three yeah who would

[1:41:55] think i mean that's there

[1:41:56] are lots of stage plays

[1:41:57] that are just three guys

[1:41:57] but yeah so guys like if

[1:42:00] waiting for godot had one

Dan McCoy

[1:42:01] less guy oh just be three

[1:42:03] guys yeah um well unlike uh

[1:42:09] our wonderful guest felicia

[1:42:10] day i don't have to uh feed

[1:42:13] a child or attend to my

[1:42:14] crock pot uh chicken dish that

[1:42:17] she mentioned before the

[1:42:18] show but it is very hot in

[1:42:20] this room so we should sign

[1:42:21] off soon but i did want to

[1:42:22] say another thank you to

[1:42:24] everyone who uh donated as

[1:42:27] part of our fundraiser or you

[1:42:28] know would have donated

[1:42:29] anyway but saw fit to enter

[1:42:31] our raffle which is wonderful

[1:42:33] uh as elliot put it last time

[1:42:35] there are other reasons better

[1:42:36] reasons than to enter a raffle

[1:42:38] to donate to charity um and uh

[1:42:42] we did get um it was around a

[1:42:45] thousand one hundred uh uh

[1:42:48] emails so we will be doing

[1:42:50] that uh reading of uh the boy

[1:42:53] next door which is something

[1:42:54] that we have to work out

[1:42:56] amongst ourselves i was it was

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:57] literally a couple nights ago

[1:42:58] that i was suddenly i was you

[1:43:00] had told us that that kind of

[1:43:01] early tally and i was like this

[1:43:02] is great and i was bragging to

[1:43:03] my wife and i was like we did a

[1:43:04] great job and oh no now we have

[1:43:06] to do that boy next door thing

[1:43:07] they're like yeah just it just

[1:43:10] dawned on me like oh we have

[1:43:11] to go through with it now

[1:43:12] yeah yeah we gotta figure that

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:14] out it wasn't my incessant

[1:43:15] text messages i mean wait the

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:19] text messages when you were

[1:43:20] like hey boy next door hey

[1:43:21] boys next door you're just so

[1:43:23] excited about it let's get

[1:43:25] next door with that boy and i'm

[1:43:26] like okay still okay well i

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:28] don't know about this emoji

[1:43:29] combination but i think he's

[1:43:30] trying to say the boy next door

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:31] he's like well he put a boy a

[1:43:34] neck and a door i assume that

[1:43:36] the neck is for next but oh

[1:43:38] wait no okay now it's a it's

[1:43:40] it's a boy sign and then an

[1:43:42] exit sign and then a nest and

[1:43:45] then a door and i guess the

[1:43:47] nest probably should have been

[1:43:48] before the exit sign so i could

[1:43:49] kind of mush them together

[1:43:50] okay well this one right here

[1:43:52] i'm not good at it this this

[1:43:53] one it's it's a butt and

[1:43:55] binoculars i guess that's

[1:43:57] because he's stalking jennifer

[1:43:58] lopez this is his emojis i

[1:44:00] mean there isn't technically a

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:01] butt emoji is there dan

[1:44:02] i guess it was a peach emoji

Dan McCoy

[1:44:04] probably right

[1:44:05] peach um uh for peaches the

[1:44:08] original peaches anyway uh

[1:44:10] also wait are we butts yeah

[1:44:13] we are three butts we are three

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:16] butts i mean we have them i like

[1:44:17] dan that you had to make sure

[1:44:18] that we knew that peaches were

[1:44:19] the original peaches

Dan McCoy

[1:44:20] i mean we haven't i i just

[1:44:26] want to say too like i think

[1:44:27] this succeeded beyond our

[1:44:28] wildest dreams uh we haven't

[1:44:30] discussed it i don't want to

[1:44:31] commit us to anything but i

[1:44:33] think that if the world continues

[1:44:34] to be crazy we probably will do

[1:44:36] another thing at some point

[1:44:37] along similar lines so thank you

[1:44:39] for uh making it wonderful

[1:44:42] and um yeah uh and you don't

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:46] have to if you if you missed the

[1:44:48] original contest you don't have

[1:44:49] doesn't mean you're not allowed to

[1:44:50] donate to charity uh that i

[1:44:53] believe is the list of charity

[1:44:54] still up on the website dan

Dan McCoy

[1:44:55] uh yes and if you missed the

[1:44:58] original broadcast uh we should

[1:45:00] reiterate that it is up on our

[1:45:02] youtube page which is youtube.com

[1:45:05] slash c slash the flop house

[1:45:08] podcast but you can also just

[1:45:09] google it um as with anything

[1:45:12] these days uh what do you have to

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:15] say no i was just gonna say so i

[1:45:17] was gonna say also like just

[1:45:18] thank you to everybody and uh

[1:45:20] please keep the generosity going

[1:45:21] and we probably will do hopefully

[1:45:23] the world will fix its problems in

[1:45:25] the next month or two and we'll

[1:45:27] never have to do that again but if

[1:45:28] the world doesn't fix its

[1:45:30] problems then i think yeah we

[1:45:31] should try to do something

Dan McCoy

[1:45:32] uh you know hey check out the

[1:45:36] other great podcasts at

[1:45:37] maximumfund.org thank you for uh

[1:45:39] uh being our network thank you

[1:45:41] for all that you do thanks to

[1:45:43] jordan cowling for um the uh

[1:45:47] the work that she does on the

[1:45:48] show uh producing it i want to

[1:45:51] thank again as long as we're

[1:45:52] talking about the um the live

[1:45:54] show i want to thank on the show

[1:45:56] as well as we did on the live

[1:45:57] show uh matt carman and john

[1:45:59] holt for all the tech stuff they

[1:46:00] did for us and the animations and

[1:46:03] uh and tony ocher for supplying the

[1:46:05] intro that we always use our shows

[1:46:07] anyway now that that's all done

[1:46:09] thank you the listener for listening

[1:46:11] and thank me dan mccoy for being

[1:46:14] here

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:15] and thank me stewart wellington for

[1:46:19] being here

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:19] and i guess i'll get i'll jump on

[1:46:22] this self-thinking train and i'll

[1:46:23] say i'll say thanks first i'll say

[1:46:27] thanks again to to our guest

[1:46:28] felicia day and i will say thanks

[1:46:30] thank you hawk for being the slayer

[1:46:33] we all needed you to be i'm elite

[1:46:35] kalen for flop house news dan

[1:46:37] good night

[1:46:39] bye

[1:46:40] listen i was just a little villager

S4

[1:46:53] with a little tent and a dream and i

[1:46:55] caught those butterflies and i mined

[1:46:58] those or rocks and i played that

[1:47:00] terrible turnip game but i did it i

[1:47:04] did it for my baby i mean it sounds

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:06] like a great game

[1:47:07] maximumfun.org comedy and culture

S5

[1:47:12] artist owned audience supported

Ep. #315 - Hawk the Slayer, w/ Felicia Day

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