FH Mini 13 - Warhammer, What is it Good For?

[0:00] I'm so glad we were able to get together, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[0:07] You have been bothering me quite a bit,

[0:09] and I think some of our listeners have been asking

[0:11] that I spent a little bit of time talking about a hobby

[0:16] that's very important to me and has been a big part of my life,

[0:19] and that is the miniature wargaming hobby.

[0:23] That's the hobby where you build and paint model soldiers

[0:25] and play wargames with them,

[0:28] and I think specifically tonight I'd like to talk about

[0:32] a little thing called Warhammer 40,000.

Dan McCoy

[0:36] I mean, I want to first just dispute the premise

[0:39] that I've been clamoring for you to explain.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] I mean, I have all these.

[0:44] I thought you were.

[0:45] I got all these text messages from you.

[0:47] Wait, let me check my phone.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] I'm just worried.

[0:49] I haven't seen Warhammer 1 through 39,999.

[0:53] Am I going to be confused?

Stuart Wellington

[0:54] Oh, see, I have nicknames for everybody in my phone,

[0:59] and when I saw messages from Cy Guy,

[1:02] I thought it was you, but it's actually my friend Raphael.

[1:06] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] Yeah, and then there's also your friend Shy Guy

[1:10] who just sort of walks around.

[1:11] Yeah, and that's Shia LaBeouf.

[1:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] Or it could be my friend Charles Xavier.

[1:16] So...

Dan McCoy

[1:16] No, it's all right.

[1:18] I mean, you know, you've done all this work.

[1:20] We might as well, you know, continue rolling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] So, well, Elliot, you don't have to worry about it.

[1:26] You brought up the fact that it's Warhammer 40,000.

[1:28] The reason why it's 40,000 is because the game is set

[1:31] far in the future, the year 40,000 to be exact.

[1:36] Now, is it 40,000 years after the birth

[1:38] of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

[1:39] I think so.

[1:40] I'm not quite sure.

[1:42] By then, they just say the common era.

[1:43] Yeah, exactly.

[1:45] So, and also, I think it's particularly timely

[1:48] because a new edition of Warhammer 40,000

[1:51] was just released.

[1:53] Let me hold up this rule book.

[1:54] You guys see that?

[1:56] Oh, yeah, look at that.

[1:56] The epic struggle depicted on the front of that book.

[2:00] You have, on one side, you have Abaddon,

[2:02] the leader of the Black Legion,

[2:05] formerly the first captain of the Sons of Horus,

[2:07] formerly the first captain of the Luna Wolves,

[2:10] carrying Demon Sword Drachnion in one hand

[2:13] and the Talon of Horus in the other,

[2:15] facing off against the pride of Ultramar himself,

[2:17] Rabut Gulliman, the Primarch of the Ultramarines.

[2:21] Now, you're probably wondering...

[2:22] Okay, there's a lot of words in there.

[2:23] You probably have some questions, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] I'm probably wondering,

[2:25] how much did you make up just now?

Dan McCoy

[2:28] Now, Ultramarines like the color, I assume?

[2:32] Well, of course...

[2:32] Good question, Dan.

[2:33] Very good question.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] That is a good question.

[2:35] The Ultramarines, of course,

[2:36] are a chapter of Space Marines.

[2:38] That's right.

[2:39] Adeptus Astardes, the Angels of Death.

[2:41] They are the elite soldiers that were created by the Emperor

[2:44] 10,000 years ago,

[2:46] using his own gene seed

[2:47] to be the perfect warriors

[2:49] and help him conquer the stars.

[2:51] Now, back then, the Emperor was not the God Emperor.

[2:53] What?

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] I don't mean to slow you down.

[2:55] So this doesn't take place

[2:56] in the United States of America.

Stuart Wellington

[2:59] That's crazy.

[3:01] That's crazy.

[3:01] No, it takes place against a vast tapestry of stars.

[3:05] All the heavens.

[3:07] Because humanity has gone out and conquered millions of worlds

[3:11] spread out all across the galaxy.

[3:13] And you're probably wondering,

[3:14] how are they able to keep track of such a vast empire?

[3:17] Of course, it's because they use a dimension

[3:19] that is outside of our own,

[3:21] like, normal, you know, senses.

[3:24] That, of course, is the warp.

[3:27] Basically, a dimension of chaos

[3:29] filled with demons and all other kinds of bullshit.

[3:32] And they're able to communicate using,

[3:34] that's right,

[3:35] psychic humans

[3:36] that are able to communicate with each other.

[3:38] And you're probably wondering,

[3:39] how are they able to navigate through these vast,

[3:42] from one end of the galaxy to the other?

[3:44] Of course, they have to tear a hole through the warp

[3:45] and then use the Emperor's Astronomicon

[3:48] to guide them to another hole in the warp.

[3:50] Are you guys following this?

[3:51] No, wait, hold on.

[3:52] Here's a question I have.

[3:53] I mean, I'm actually following it

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] pretty straightforwardly by this point.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] I mean, it slips off my brain,

[3:58] so I'm not.

[3:59] But here's a question I have.

[4:01] What, this is a game, correct?

[4:04] Yeah, of course.

[4:05] Now, what is the advantage to having...

[4:06] It's also a hobby and a lifestyle, but continue.

[4:08] What is...

[4:09] Now, what is the advantage to having a story behind a game?

[4:12] Because, you know, see,

[4:13] there's games like, say, Sorry,

[4:16] where you know that...

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] There's a story there, Dan.

[4:19] Yeah, Sorry sounds like story.

Dan McCoy

[4:21] You want to go around the board,

[4:24] you want to get home,

[4:26] and you don't want to be sorry.

[4:27] And that's all you need to know.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] No, no, Dan.

[4:29] Actually, each playing piece...

[4:31] It shows you that I've never read the top of the box in Sorry.

[4:33] Each playing piece represents one clone

[4:36] of the Imperial Majestrics.

[4:38] Now, the Imperial Majestrics is a sort of

[4:40] God being at the center of the universe

[4:43] who, as a game with himself,

[4:45] has split his psyche into multiple shards

[4:47] and to see which one of those shards

[4:49] will make it first to home or enlightenment.

[4:52] And now when you hit a Sorry,

[4:53] what's actually happening is you are devolving

[4:55] to primordial stages

[4:56] until you end up as a normal human,

[4:58] and you have to rebuild your XP classes

[5:00] until you get back to shard status.

[5:02] So that's...

[5:02] I mean, it's right there on the inside of the box.

Dan McCoy

[5:04] It's interesting.

[5:04] I don't like the game Sorry anymore.

[5:06] I mean, I haven't played it since I was like eight,

[5:08] so maybe I wouldn't like it anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[5:10] So maybe you like a game like Clue more,

[5:12] which does have a story.

[5:13] Clue takes place on the holodeck

[5:15] of an Imperial Navy starship

[5:17] in which they've decided to take a break

[5:19] from the bloodshed of trying to impose

[5:21] the Federation rules on alien planets

[5:24] by pretending they're in a murder mystery.

Stuart Wellington

[5:28] Yeah, Dan, that's what Clue is.

[5:30] Now, the thing about Warhammer 40,000...

Elliott Kalan

[5:32] Monopoly is all about how capitalism destroys us.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] Now, you're probably wondering

[5:36] how many different chapters of Space Marines are there.

[5:38] Well, there's almost uncounted,

[5:39] but there's only about 20 Primarks, okay?

[5:41] And the Primarks are like,

[5:43] kind of like the platonic ideal of a Space Marine.

[5:45] Are you following me?

[5:46] Okay, so you have

[5:47] Rabut Gulliman of the Ultramarines,

[5:49] Conrad Kurz of the Night Lords,

[5:52] you got Jagadi Khan of the White Scars,

[5:55] you got Perturabo of the Iron Warriors,

[5:58] you got...

[5:59] Am I just listing names of things again?

[6:02] Yes, you are.

[6:03] Oh, Dan's writing all these down.

[6:04] No, no, he's getting them down

[6:04] in case he has to look at them.

[6:06] Yeah, I got it, I got it.

[6:06] I got it, I got it.

[6:06] Lionel Johnson of the Dark Angels.

[6:08] Okay.

[6:09] I got to get Sanguinius, of course,

[6:12] the favored son of the Emperor,

[6:15] the most beautiful of the Primarks,

[6:17] Sanguinius of the Blood Angels.

[6:18] You got Fulgroom of the Emperor's Children.

[6:21] You got Mortarion of the Death Guard.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] So, this game,

[6:25] so are you playing as these characters,

[6:27] are you playing against these characters?

[6:28] I'm having to...

[6:29] A little bit of both.

[6:30] Now, I want to...

[6:31] The opposite of Dan,

[6:31] I'm wondering where the game element comes in.

Dan McCoy

[6:33] Yeah, and I just got a recap here.

[6:36] We got Trimark, Dr. Robotnik,

[6:38] Lionel Richie, and Fulcrum.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] Yeah, I actually got most of them right.

[6:42] Okay, good.

[6:42] At least partial credit.

[6:43] So, the thing is that the Space Marines

[6:47] are just one part of the great puzzle of Warhammer 40,000,

[6:51] because you're like,

[6:52] do they only fight each other?

[6:53] Do they only fight the traitor legions?

[6:55] Like, the Black Legion,

[6:56] the Death Guard,

[6:58] the Night Lords, etc.

[7:00] But no, of course not.

[7:01] There's a variety of different aliens

[7:03] that humans also have to battle.

[7:05] Like, the Tyranids,

[7:06] the Orcs,

[7:07] the Tau,

[7:08] the Eldar, etc.

[7:10] So, Orcs are aliens?

[7:12] The Eldar were the ones that...

[7:12] So, Beldar?

[7:14] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] I think we both have questions.

[7:15] So, Dan, you're saying that Orcs are aliens,

[7:17] which is...

[7:18] Yeah.

[7:19] And so, Beldar from the Coneheads is in there?

Stuart Wellington

[7:21] Nope, that's a common mistake.

[7:24] It's the Eldar,

[7:25] which are kind of like space elves.

[7:27] They're elf aliens that,

[7:29] when they die,

[7:30] their consciousness is trapped in a soul stone,

[7:33] like a little jewel,

[7:36] and then they collect them all

[7:37] and they stick them in a giant spaceship

[7:39] made out of wraith bone.

[7:40] Are you following me?

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] Okay, so, let me...

[7:42] I have two questions for you at this point.

[7:43] Yep.

[7:43] The first question,

[7:44] and I'll ask you the two questions

[7:45] and then I expect to answer it.

[7:46] The first question is,

[7:47] is Warhammer kind of nothing more than

[7:50] fantasy tropes

[7:51] wrapped up in a BS sci-fi story

[7:54] to make them seem like

[7:55] they're more than just a Tolkien-esque ripoff?

[7:57] And two,

[7:57] when does MC Hammer come in?

Dan McCoy

[7:59] Yeah, that first question was basically,

[8:01] I'm looking at images of Warhammer,

[8:03] and so this is like fantasy people

[8:05] in like robot suits.

Stuart Wellington

[8:08] That's actually pretty close, guys.

[8:10] It did...

[8:10] I mean, Warhammer 40,000

[8:12] has been around for quite a while,

[8:15] and I think it did kind of spawn

[8:17] out of your traditional

[8:19] Tolkien fantasy world,

[8:21] but it also had...

[8:24] It was basically an excuse

[8:25] for these English guys

[8:26] to play around with

[8:27] a variety of soldiers

[8:28] and to like kitbash their models,

[8:30] and I think at the time

[8:31] there was a lot of fantasy models

[8:33] for people's D&D games or whatever,

[8:35] and they're like,

[8:36] well, let me take a gun off of

[8:38] like a little World War II soldier

[8:39] and glue it into this elf's hands.

[8:42] Isn't this an awesome thing?

[8:43] So I think that's kind of what happened,

[8:45] and then it, you know,

[8:46] over the years has spawned

[8:47] into this much larger nerdy thing,

[8:50] and also the like kind of like...

[8:55] like kind of silly black humor of it

[8:57] has kind of been...

[8:59] has kind of been washed away

[9:00] a little bit,

[9:01] and also I feel like the translation

[9:03] of that kind of English

[9:05] like tongue-in-cheek

[9:06] like fantasy futuristic humor

[9:09] doesn't necessarily translate

[9:11] super well to American audiences.

[9:13] Do you know what I mean?

[9:14] Like the American audiences

[9:16] take it a little more seriously.

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] There's a certain sort of nihilistic,

[9:19] violent, bleak science fiction humor

[9:21] that you get from England.

[9:23] You're kind of like Future Shocks

[9:25] or Steve Islet stuff or...

[9:27] Yeah, yeah.

[9:27] You're like your various

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] 2000 AD properties.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] Yeah, exactly.

[9:31] Yeah, I get that.

[9:32] Like Judge Gerard is a joke in England,

[9:33] and here he's like a super cool dude.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] So I don't think we've even talked

[9:38] about how we're playing the game.

[9:40] Now, when you play the game...

[9:40] Well, I kind of want to know

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] when MC Hammer comes in.

[9:42] That was my other question.

Stuart Wellington

[9:43] We're going to get there.

[9:44] I can't get there right away.

[9:45] If I try and teach you how to run

[9:47] before you learn how to walk,

[9:48] you're just going to fall

[9:49] on your little face, right?

[9:50] And then you're going to have

[9:51] to take an armor save.

[9:52] There's no way.

[9:53] I do have a little...

[9:54] No, it's true, Dan.

[9:54] I do have a little face.

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] No, my face is smaller

[9:57] than a normal human's face.

[9:58] I'll admit it, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] I'm just saying you're going to have

[10:00] to take an armor save

[10:01] when you take that hit.

[10:02] Now, you're not falling

[10:03] from a particularly high distance,

[10:04] so it's probably only

[10:05] like a strength one hit.

[10:07] And it doesn't have

[10:08] an armor penetration value,

[10:09] so you're going to get

[10:10] your full armor save.

[10:11] So why don't you pull up

[10:12] your stat block, Elliot?

[10:13] What's your armor save there?

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] Okay, I don't know

[10:16] what the armor save is.

[10:17] I will say my face smallness,

[10:18] I will admit, for a pillow,

[10:20] I do use a little pack of...

[10:22] a portable pack of Kleenex,

[10:24] you know, one of those

[10:25] plastic wrap packs.

[10:25] It is how small my face is,

[10:27] but that's what I use

[10:27] as a pillow.

[10:28] And in order to wash my face,

[10:30] I do use a toothbrush

[10:32] and use that as if

[10:33] it was a regular brush.

[10:35] Oh, that's adorable.

[10:35] So that's pretty small.

[10:36] Yeah, and I also,

[10:38] as a mask,

[10:39] instead of like a full-size mask,

[10:41] I just take like...

[10:44] You know the plastic

[10:45] that you pop out

[10:46] of a package

[10:47] that goes on a hook

[10:49] at a department store?

[10:50] There's that little piece

[10:51] of plastic that pops out.

[10:52] I just poke holes in that

[10:53] and I make a mask out of it.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] Elliot, I want to talk

[10:57] about something

[10:58] you just said.

[10:58] Now, you said you use

[10:59] a toothbrush to clean your face.

[11:02] Now, do you think

[11:03] that a normal-sized person

[11:06] would use a brush

[11:08] to clean their face?

[11:10] Because I have...

[11:10] I mean...

[11:11] I'll let you in

[11:11] on a little bit

[11:12] of my shower secrets.

[11:14] I have one of those long...

Stuart Wellington

[11:16] That's why we're here.

[11:17] Seems like the subject

[11:18] of its own mini,

[11:19] but that's fine.

[11:19] One of those long

Dan McCoy

[11:20] shower brushes.

[11:21] And I'll tell you,

[11:22] it's great for reaching

[11:23] your back

[11:23] when you can't reach that.

[11:24] It's great for getting

[11:26] your legs

[11:26] if you don't want

[11:27] to bend over all the way,

[11:28] but I've never

[11:29] really used it on my face.

[11:31] It's a little rough

[11:32] for that.

[11:33] It's interesting

[11:33] that you use that

Stuart Wellington

[11:34] for your back

[11:35] because to wash my back,

[11:37] I actually take a tree

[11:38] with a very harsh mark

[11:40] and I take it

[11:42] into the shower

[11:42] with me, of course,

[11:43] and then I scratch

[11:44] my back against

[11:45] to get all that dead fur

[11:46] off my pelt.

[11:48] Sounds good.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] Dan, I just assume

[11:50] because the average

[11:50] human's face to me

[11:51] is a vast expanse

[11:52] like a football field.

[11:53] I assume you need

[11:54] a brush of some kind

[11:55] of clean or even

[11:55] a broom, if you will.

[11:57] Whereas my teeny-weeny,

[11:58] itty-bitty,

[11:59] wittle-bittle face,

[12:00] I just use a toothbrush

[12:01] for that.

[12:01] And again,

[12:02] I live inside

[12:03] the front shirt pocket

[12:04] of a computer programmer

[12:05] and I just peek out

[12:06] every now and then

[12:07] with a little nightcap on.

[12:08] And so I don't...

[12:09] Again, I sleep

[12:10] in a sardine can.

[12:10] Yeah, I remember

Stuart Wellington

[12:11] when quarantine

[12:14] first started

[12:15] and we decided

[12:15] it was made known

[12:17] that everybody

[12:17] should be wearing

[12:18] a face mask,

[12:19] I actually went

[12:19] to a department store

[12:20] and bought a doll's eye patch

[12:22] and I mailed it to you

[12:23] and you had to return it

[12:24] because it was far too big

[12:25] for your face.

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] It was, exactly.

[12:27] I remember I received

[12:28] that package,

[12:28] the doorbell rang

[12:29] while I was taking a bath

[12:30] in the thimble

[12:30] and it took me hours

[12:32] to get from my bathtub

[12:33] a thimble to the door

[12:34] because again,

[12:35] this is a regular-sized

[12:36] human's house

[12:37] and I had to traverse it.

[12:38] I had to get on my aunt

[12:39] and ride it across

[12:40] the vast expanses

[12:42] of the hallway

[12:42] and when I got there

[12:43] I was so excited

[12:44] to get it

[12:44] of course,

[12:45] the package fell

[12:46] on top of me

[12:47] and I had to call

[12:48] my aunt friends over

[12:49] to help lift it off

[12:50] because I couldn't

[12:50] lift it myself

[12:51] but once they opened it

[12:52] with the help

[12:53] of a friendly mouse

[12:53] I was able to try it on

[12:55] and it was just

[12:55] a little too big.

Stuart Wellington

[12:56] That's what's so great

[12:57] is that you're

[12:57] bringing up themes

[12:58] of both like

[12:59] a modernity

[13:01] of like a house

[13:01] and a postal service

[13:02] but then also

[13:03] kind of like

[13:04] anachronistic ideas

[13:05] like riding

[13:06] like a riding beast

[13:07] in an ant

[13:08] and that's one of the

[13:09] great things about

[13:09] Warhammer 40,000

[13:10] is that kind of mix

[13:11] between old and new

[13:13] and futuristic.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] Yeah, you can really

[13:14] feel the guy

[13:16] who used to manage

[13:17] a Warhammer store

[13:18] in Stu right now.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] A guy who would

[13:21] spend all day

[13:22] in a mall in Georgia

[13:24] waiting for people

[13:25] to walk by

[13:26] eating Auntie Anne's pretzels

[13:27] and I would try

[13:28] and coax them in

[13:29] with a smile

[13:30] to try and play

[13:31] a demo game

[13:32] where I would explain

[13:33] how the Space Marines

[13:33] would battle

[13:34] a war band of orcs

[13:36] holding their bolt guns

[13:37] and missile launchers

[13:38] and the various sound effects

[13:39] I would make

[13:40] when they fired those weapons.

[13:41] Stuart,

Dan McCoy

[13:42] can you speak

[13:42] a little bit

[13:43] to the popularity

[13:45] of extremely complex games

[13:50] with a lot of backstory?

[13:52] Because I'm joking

[13:54] a little bit before

[13:56] but I don't want

[13:57] to work that hard

[14:00] to do a game

[14:02] and I could see

[14:02] once you're in that world

[14:04] it's like really enjoying it.

[14:05] It's not like

[14:05] I don't get that

[14:06] but the idea

[14:07] of you coaxing someone

[14:08] in to play

[14:09] an example game

[14:10] the whole process

[14:12] kind of baffles me.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] Oh, I mean

[14:14] I think a big part of it is

[14:16] I mean generally

[14:18] the way you get people

[14:19] interested in that sort of thing

[14:21] is you show them

[14:22] like painted models

[14:23] that look cool

[14:24] and once you put

[14:26] a cool thing

[14:26] in somebody's hand

[14:27] if they're interested at all

[14:29] they're going to

[14:30] you know

[14:31] they're just going to listen

[14:31] and also

[14:33] you know

[14:33] when you got a great voice

[14:35] that just kind of

[14:36] creates this world

[14:37] around them

[14:38] but I feel

[14:39] as far as like

[14:40] complicated rules

[14:41] and backstory

[14:41] I mean it's all about

[14:42] like escapism

[14:43] I mean that's kind of

[14:44] what fantasy

[14:45] and all that stuff

[14:45] is built on

[14:46] is losing yourself

[14:47] in a world

[14:47] or a story

[14:48] and tying that

[14:50] into a world

[14:51] that you can then

[14:52] like create for yourself

[14:54] on your kitchen table

[14:55] and then

[14:56] I don't know

[14:57] do a battle

Dan McCoy

[14:59] I see

[15:00] and then

[15:01] but I also

[15:02] as the shopkeep

[15:03] so you're saying

[15:03] you're selling

[15:04] the sizzle

[15:04] not the steak

Stuart Wellington

[15:06] yeah exactly

[15:06] that's

[15:07] so you could be

[15:08] you could be a

[15:09] trainer for games workshop

[15:10] one two

Justin McElroy

[15:14] one two three

[15:14] hi everybody

[15:16] my name is Justin McElroy

[15:17] I'm Sydney McElroy

[15:17] we're both doctors

[15:18] and

[15:19] nope just me

[15:20] okay well Sydney's a doctor

[15:21] and I'm a medical enthusiast

[15:23] and we create

[15:24] Sawbones

[15:25] a marital tour

[15:25] of misguided medicine

S5

[15:26] every week

[15:27] I dig through the annals

[15:28] of medical history

[15:29] to bring you

[15:30] the wildest

[15:31] grossest

[15:32] sometimes dumbest

[15:33] tales

[15:34] of ways

[15:35] we've tried

[15:35] to treat people

[15:36] throughout history

Justin McElroy

[15:36] and lately

[15:37] we do a lot

[15:38] of modern

[15:38] fake medicine

[15:39] because everything's

[15:40] a disaster

[15:41] but it's slightly

[15:42] less of a disaster

[15:43] every Friday

[15:43] right here on

[15:44] maximumfun.org

[15:45] as we bring you

[15:46] Sawbones

[15:46] a marital tour

[15:47] of misguided

[15:47] medicine

[15:48] and remember

[15:49] don't drill a hole

[15:50] in your head

[15:51] hey if you like

S5

[15:55] your podcast

[15:56] to be focused

[15:57] and well researched

[15:58] and your podcast

[15:58] hosts to be

[15:59] uncharismatic

[16:00] unhorny strangers

[16:01] who have no interest

[16:02] in horses

[16:02] then this is not

[16:03] the podcast for you

[16:04] yeah and what's

[16:04] your deal

[16:05] I'm Emily

[16:07] I'm Lisa

[16:07] our show's called

[16:08] Baby Geniuses

[16:09] and its hosts

[16:10] are horny adult idiots

[16:11] we discover weird

[16:12] Wikipedia pages

[16:13] every episode

[16:14] we discuss

[16:15] institutional misogyny

[16:16] we ask each other

[16:18] the dumbest questions

[16:19] and our listeners

[16:19] won't stop sending us

[16:20] pictures of their butts

[16:21] we haven't asked them

[16:22] to stop

[16:22] but they also

[16:23] aren't stopping

[16:24] join us on

[16:25] Baby Geniuses

[16:26] every other week

[16:27] on maximumfun.org

[16:28] now Stuart

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] so is this like

[16:33] a game you play

[16:34] by yourself

[16:35] or is this

[16:35] somebody you play

[16:36] with another person

[16:37] or multiple persons

Stuart Wellington

[16:38] well that was

[16:39] that's kind of

[16:39] the thing that I like

[16:40] about it is that

[16:41] it's something that you

[16:41] in order to play the game

[16:43] you kind of need

[16:43] someone else

[16:44] but it's a hobby

[16:46] that you can do

[16:47] on your own as well

[16:47] because you sit around

[16:48] painting the models

[16:48] by yourself

[16:49] so it's not just

[16:50] something that you like

[16:51] it's not like

[16:52] buying a board game

[16:52] and you sit around

[16:53] waiting for your friends

[16:54] to come over

[16:54] no no no

[16:55] you buy the game

[16:57] and then you're

[16:57] building and painting

[16:58] the models

[16:58] and then when you do

[17:00] have a few spare hours

[17:01] that you can go

[17:02] see one of your friends

[17:03] then you can set up

[17:04] a battlefield

[17:04] in the back of your

[17:06] say bar

[17:07] while it's closed

[17:08] one afternoon

[17:09] and play a game

[17:10] with your friend

Elliott Kalan

[17:11] now how would you

[17:12] advise someone like me

[17:14] who is roughly

[17:14] the size of one of the models

[17:16] how would I paint

[17:17] one of them myself

[17:17] because I'm going to need

[17:19] like a roller

[17:19] a little teeny tiny roller

[17:21] and I'm going to need

[17:22] enough paint

[17:22] but again like

[17:23] how am I going to get

[17:24] the top of the figure

[17:25] I'm going to need

[17:25] like a little bitty ladder

[17:26] and all that stuff

Stuart Wellington

[17:27] I mean I feel like

[17:28] knowing your ingenuity

[17:30] you would create

[17:30] some kind of a pulley system

[17:32] using like a spool of thread

[17:34] and you would wrap it

[17:35] around the model

[17:36] and then you'd pick it up

[17:37] and like dunk it

[17:38] into the paint pot entirely

[17:39] and then you would

[17:41] create some kind of a thing

[17:42] to spin the model

[17:43] so the excess paint

[17:44] would fly off

[17:44] like a dog

[17:45] shaking its back

[17:46] and then you would

[17:47] also dip it again

[17:48] you'd use a popular

[17:50] old popular painting

[17:52] models where you would

[17:53] paint the entire model

[17:54] one light color

[17:55] and then you would buy

[17:56] a container of Minwax

[17:58] furniture stain

[18:00] and dip the model

[18:01] on that

[18:02] and then shake off

[18:02] the excess

[18:03] so that the whole thing

[18:04] gets a nice shade coat

[18:05] and also it makes it

[18:06] more durable

[18:06] does that all make sense

[18:08] so you'd be doing that

Elliott Kalan

[18:09] okay it makes total sense

[18:10] I liked when you were saying

[18:11] that Dan was nodding

[18:12] as if this was something

[18:13] he had done

[18:14] in his own life

[18:14] he's like oh yeah

Stuart Wellington

[18:16] Minwax

[18:16] use that shit all the time

[18:17] yeah

[18:18] I'm a handy guy

[18:19] who does stuff

[18:20] around the house

[18:20] yeah

Dan McCoy

[18:21] is that like

[18:23] Turtle Wax

[18:24] which I use to wax

[18:25] all of my turtles

[18:26] every last one

[18:27] you got to

Elliott Kalan

[18:27] you got to keep

[18:28] their shells slippery

[18:28] or else eagles

[18:29] can pick them up

Stuart Wellington

[18:30] or so that Mario

[18:33] Brothers will step on

Dan McCoy

[18:34] if you don't keep

[18:35] them slippery

[18:36] a scorpion

[18:37] might get on the back

[18:38] and convince

[18:39] that turtle

[18:40] to take them across

[18:41] the river

[18:41] but that scorpion

[18:42] does not wish

[18:43] that turtle well

Elliott Kalan

[18:44] I mean if anyone

[18:45] should take the scorpion

[18:47] across

[18:47] it's a turtle

[18:48] who has a hard shell

[18:49] not a frog

[18:49] as is usually used

[18:50] I know the frog

Dan McCoy

[18:51] is the usual story

[18:52] for the purposes

[18:53] of my bit

[18:55] I was transposing

[18:56] a couple of aquatic animals

Elliott Kalan

[18:58] yeah I mean

[19:00] it's just

[19:01] you shouldn't have

[19:01] picked one that is

[19:02] notorious for having

[19:02] soft skin

[19:03] with one that is

[19:04] notorious for having

[19:04] a hard shell

Dan McCoy

[19:05] the head would be

[19:06] extended while he was

[19:07] swimming

Stuart Wellington

[19:08] hard shell

[19:09] also known

[19:10] for being wise

[19:12] and good at

[19:13] ninjutsu

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] yeah exactly

[19:15] if that scorpion

[19:16] tries to sting

[19:17] it's just going to

[19:17] block it

[19:18] with something

[19:18] that masters

[19:18] blinter taught it

Stuart Wellington

[19:19] yeah

[19:20] so

[19:21] oh I don't know

Elliott Kalan

[19:22] so for anyone

[19:23] listening minwax

[19:24] is obviously

[19:25] the smaller version

[19:25] of maxwax

[19:26] okay so we continue

Stuart Wellington

[19:27] so we've

[19:28] I mean we've

[19:29] covered quite a few

[19:30] points

[19:30] do you guys have

[19:32] any more questions

[19:32] for me

[19:33] I think I've

[19:33] kind of gone

[19:34] over everything

[19:34] here

[19:35] yeah I think

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] so

[19:36] if anything

[19:39] I feel like

[19:39] I know less

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] about warhammer

[19:41] than before

[19:42] I forgot to mention

[19:44] the primark

[19:44] of the word bears

[19:45] is lorgar

[19:46] of course

[19:46] so what's a word bear

[19:47] a word bear

[19:48] a word bear

[19:50] is a

[19:50] one of the

[19:51] the first founding

[19:52] space marine chapters

[19:54] I know you're imagining

[19:55] that it's a bear

[19:56] made out of words

[19:57] that's because I said

[19:58] the word bearer

[19:59] shortened with my accent

Dan McCoy

[20:01] oh

[20:02] word bearer

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] yeah they're

[20:03] one of the original

[20:04] trader legions

[20:05] that turned

[20:06] that turned

[20:07] to the gods of chaos

[20:08] now the gods of chaos

[20:09] there's four

[20:09] principal deities here

[20:11] you have

[20:11] corn

[20:12] the god of slaughter

[20:13] you have

[20:14] nirgul

[20:14] the god

[20:14] of pestilence

[20:15] nope it's spelled

[20:16] k-h-o-r-n-e

[20:19] oh but it still

[20:20] sounds like corn

[20:21] like maize

[20:21] it has

[20:22] yeah it's

[20:22] I did not

[20:23] mispronounce it

[20:24] I pronounced it

[20:24] 100% correctly

[20:25] it sounds exactly

[20:26] like the food

[20:27] and or band

[20:28] is there ever

[20:29] a misunderstanding

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] in the world

[20:31] of warhammer

[20:32] between the food

[20:33] corn

[20:33] and the chaos

[20:34] god corn

[20:34] I'm assuming

[20:35] it happens

[20:35] all the time

[20:36] please pass

[20:37] the corn

[20:38] or could I put

[20:38] some butter

[20:39] on my corn

[20:39] and that could

[20:40] lead to all sorts

[20:41] of misunderstandings

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] it would be

[20:43] it would

[20:43] it would certainly

[20:44] cause misunderstandings

[20:46] if not like

[20:47] problems

[20:48] because then

[20:48] you would do that

[20:49] and then the

[20:50] corn berserkers

[20:50] would show up

[20:51] and they would

[20:52] be attacking you

[20:53] with their chain axes

[20:54] and you're like

[20:54] why would you make

[20:55] an axe

[20:56] with a chainsaw

[20:57] blade on

[20:57] and then you're like

[20:58] I guess that makes sense

[20:59] because it's just

[21:00] going to chop

[21:00] right through my armor

[21:01] so there's

[21:03] nirgul

[21:04] the god of pestilence

[21:05] and plague

[21:06] of course

[21:06] you know

[21:06] the jolly grandfather

[21:07] you have zinch

[21:09] the god of magic

[21:10] and trickery

[21:11] and then of course

[21:12] you have slanesh

[21:13] the dark prince

[21:13] the god of pleasure

[21:14] and pain

[21:15] that's dan's favorite

[21:16] I would imagine

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] he's like a centibite

[21:18] he's a centibite

[21:19] sounds like

[21:19] so which god

[21:19] do you pray to

[21:20] if you're like

[21:20] opening a business

Stuart Wellington

[21:21] well I mean

[21:23] it kind of depends

[21:23] on the nature

[21:24] of the business

[21:24] right

[21:25] yeah I guess so

[21:26] I guess

[21:27] okay so let's say

Elliott Kalan

[21:28] it's a container store

[21:29] okay well

[21:30] if it's a container store

[21:31] now I know a container store

[21:32] is the opposite of chaos

[21:32] because you're literally

[21:33] buying things

Stuart Wellington

[21:34] to organize your life

[21:35] that's a good point

[21:36] that would be like

[21:37] more of Malal's territory

[21:38] we're not talking about

[21:40] Malal today

[21:41] but there's always

Dan McCoy

[21:42] the chance

[21:43] with a container store

[21:44] situation that

[21:45] you buy these containers

[21:47] with the best of intentions

[21:48] and then you get them home

[21:50] and it's just more stuff

[21:51] in your home

[21:51] because you just don't

[21:53] if you're the sort of person

[21:54] who needs containers

[21:55] you know maybe

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] well and you buy the containers

[21:57] and then you're like

[21:58] let me buy more stuff

[21:59] to put in these containers

[22:00] right

[22:00] and I feel like

[22:01] that's why

[22:02] I think this

[22:02] I think you guys

[22:03] are answering your own question

[22:04] right

[22:04] that's right

[22:05] let's say it all together

[22:06] that's Zinch

[22:07] the chaos god of mischief

[22:09] yep

[22:09] Zinch

[22:10] the chaos god of

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] what was it

[22:12] of magic and sorcery

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] magic and sorcery

[22:15] right

[22:16] and of course

[22:16] and Zinch of course

[22:18] the chapter of space marines

[22:20] that turned to him

[22:21] were of course

[22:22] the thousand suns

[22:24] led by Primark Magnus

[22:25] the red

[22:26] the cyclops

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] now wouldn't the chaos god of magic

[22:30] be Orko

[22:31] from Masters of the Universe

[22:32] because his magic never works

[22:33] or that guy

Dan McCoy

[22:35] from The Last Unicorn

[22:36] his magic was pretty

[22:37] unreliable

[22:38] Shmendrick the magician

[22:39] Shmendrick the magician

[22:40] yeah

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] yeah Shmendrick the magician

[22:41] I feel like

[22:42] would worship Zinch

[22:42] the god of magic

[22:43] so I think

[22:46] I mean

[22:46] I'm covering

[22:47] pretty much everything

[22:48] but I'm going pretty fast

[22:49] if you guys

[22:50] have any more questions

[22:51] are you wondering

[22:52] what the stats

[22:52] on a bolt gun are

[22:53] well of course they

[22:54] I mean yes I am

Elliott Kalan

[22:56] but I don't know

[22:56] if I'm there yet

Dan McCoy

[22:57] did you say anything

[22:58] about gameplay

[22:59] did I just space out

[23:00] for that entire part

[23:01] no

[23:02] or okay

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] you know you need

[23:03] another person

[23:04] unless you're painting

[23:05] now humanity

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] of course is beset

[23:08] on all sides

[23:09] of course

[23:10] not only is there

[23:11] the enemy within

[23:12] the gods of chaos

[23:13] and then there's

[23:14] the enemy without

[23:15] that's

[23:16] that's

[23:17] Zeno's threats

[23:18] like as I said

[23:19] the Eldar

[23:20] and then there's

[23:21] the Tyranids

[23:22] yep

[23:23] Dogtown

[23:23] the orcs

[23:25] where the orcs

[23:26] are a play

[23:27] on your like

[23:27] traditional fantasy orcs

[23:28] but they're kind of like

[23:29] a fungus based life form

[23:31] who have this collective

[23:32] like this collective psychology

[23:34] where just getting

[23:35] a lot of them together

[23:36] they harness this energy

[23:39] called the wah

[23:39] and the wah energy

[23:41] allows them to kind of

[23:42] do all kinds of stuff

[23:43] like make their machinery work

[23:44] and also make them

[23:45] better at battling

Elliott Kalan

[23:46] okay now I apologize

[23:48] I think I stopped

[23:49] paying attention

[23:49] for three milliseconds

[23:50] and I have no idea

[23:51] what you're talking about anymore

Stuart Wellington

[23:52] now the Tyranids

[23:54] of course

[23:54] they are a play

[23:55] on your traditional

[23:56] Xenomorph

[23:57] the original versions

[23:59] kind of look like

[24:00] a mix between

[24:01] like a bug

[24:02] and H.R. Geiger's

[24:03] Xenomorph

[24:04] and they kind of got

[24:04] even more like

[24:05] the Xenomorph

[24:06] like the Alien Queen

[24:07] from Aliens

[24:08] and that was when

[24:09] Sigourney Weaver

[24:10] came into my

[24:10] games workshop store

[24:11] and I was like

[24:12] hey recognize anybody

[24:14] I didn't actually say that

[24:15] because I was a little bit

[24:16] too nervous

[24:16] because it was Sigourney Weaver

[24:17] but she bought a pot of paint

[24:19] from me and left

[24:19] I think she was trying

[24:20] to fix a piece

[24:20] of like a lamp

[24:21] that had been chipped

[24:23] I was pretty nervous

[24:24] so she didn't start

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] talking to you

[24:27] about Chaos Gods

Dan McCoy

[24:28] or the Ultramarines

[24:29] or

[24:30] I got to be honest

[24:31] I'm much more

[24:33] interested

[24:34] in beloved actor

[24:37] how was your interaction

[24:39] was she nice

Stuart Wellington

[24:40] it was very brief

[24:41] I was very nervous

[24:42] I asked her

[24:43] what she needed

[24:44] to paint for

[24:44] and she told me

[24:45] and then I rang her up

[24:46] and she left

[24:47] and then I called my mom

[24:49] yeah

[24:50] sounds about right

[24:51] and my mom was

[24:52] very excited

[24:53] so if I can

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] okay so if I want to

[24:56] summarize what I've learned

[24:57] about Warhammer 40,000

[24:58] today

[24:59] it is that

[24:59] one

[25:00] it is very complicated

[25:02] and there's a lot

[25:02] of names in it

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] did I even

[25:04] did I even mention

[25:05] the Necrons yet

[25:06] I haven't even talked

[25:07] about the Necrons

[25:08] if I want to get

Elliott Kalan

[25:08] the summary points

[25:09] okay one

[25:10] it's a game

[25:10] that's very complicated

[25:11] two

[25:12] I still don't know

[25:12] how you play the game

[25:13] three

[25:15] does not play it

[25:16] is that accurate

[25:16] that's the summary

Dan McCoy

[25:17] so far

[25:18] so far

[25:19] you're 100% on there

[25:20] and also you

[25:20] you don't play it alone

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] we do know that

[25:23] you

[25:23] I guess you theoretically

[25:25] could but I don't think

[25:26] you're going to get

[25:26] much out of the experience

[25:27] it's like trying to play

[25:28] chess against yourself

[25:29] right

Elliott Kalan

[25:29] yeah

[25:30] yeah okay

[25:31] sure

[25:31] it's okay

[25:32] we should probably

[25:33] wrap up

[25:35] pretty soon

[25:36] because I feel like

[25:37] I've ingested

[25:39] enough facts

[25:40] about Warhammer

[25:40] that my head

[25:41] will explode

[25:41] if I take

[25:42] any more in

[25:43] yeah

[25:43] okay

[25:43] well

[25:44] so here's my

[25:45] so I'm a

[25:45] let's say I'm

[25:46] I came in for that

[25:47] pot of paint

[25:47] you gotta sell this

[25:48] Warhammer to me

[25:49] just give me your

[25:50] best 10 second pitch

Stuart Wellington

[25:52] okay my 10 second pitch

[25:53] to Sigourney Weaver

[25:54] I would say

[25:55] hello Sigourney Weaver

[25:58] okay you're cutting

Dan McCoy

[25:59] into your time

[26:00] I'm just

Stuart Wellington

[26:00] I'm cutting into my time

[26:02] but I'm trying to

[26:02] get him to know

[26:03] he's making like a

Dan McCoy

[26:04] personal connection

[26:04] by showing he remembers

[26:06] her name

[26:07] establish a report

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] that's the first thing

[26:09] I'm Sigourney Weaver

[26:10] my back is up now

[26:11] because I know

[26:11] you've recognized me

[26:12] as a celebrity

[26:13] you're probably gonna

[26:14] ask me to autograph

[26:16] your copy of Death

[26:17] and the Maiden

[26:17] and I don't

[26:18] autograph anything anymore

[26:19] so what do you say next

Stuart Wellington

[26:21] I say don't worry

[26:22] about autographs

[26:23] I don't like them

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] okay now I think

[26:27] it's even weirder

[26:28] than if you had asked me

[26:29] and I'm making

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] eye contact

[26:31] with a capital I

[26:33] no you're doing it

[26:34] all wrong

[26:35] so then I'll

[26:36] lead her over

[26:37] to the demo game table

[26:38] and I'll say

[26:40] see anything cool

[26:44] still making eye contact

[26:47] full time

[26:48] so you lead her over

[26:49] by her hand

[26:50] Sigourney Weaver thinks

[26:50] that you're hitting on her

[26:52] at this point

[26:52] I'm leading her over there

[26:53] exclusively with

[26:55] the way I'm holding

[26:56] my body

[26:57] there is no contact

[26:58] at all

[26:59] gross

[26:59] okay

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] how you do that exactly

[27:03] are you wearing a cape

[27:04] that you could use

[27:05] to gesture

[27:05] dramatically or

[27:07] I don't need a cape

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] it's just the way

[27:09] my shoulders are positioned

[27:11] and the way that my legs

[27:12] propel my body

[27:14] toward the cape

[27:15] now it feels like

[27:16] maybe you're blocking

[27:17] the door

[27:17] I feel weird about this

[27:18] I am blocking the door

[27:20] I didn't have to say that

[27:22] I assumed it was

[27:23] kind of built into

[27:23] what I was

[27:24] so I say

[27:26] notice

[27:27] do you see anything

[27:28] cool

[27:28] eyebrows

[27:30] arouse arch

[27:30] at this point

[27:31] oh no

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] okay

[27:32] I think

[27:34] is already

[27:34] she would say

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] yes at this point

[27:36] she would say

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] yes

[27:37] whatever you

[27:38] yeah sure

[27:38] whatever

[27:39] because she just

[27:39] wants to get out

[27:40] of there

[27:40] yeah

[27:40] so I would

Stuart Wellington

[27:41] I would put

[27:42] some dice

[27:42] in her right

[27:43] hand

[27:43] and I would put

[27:44] a ruler

[27:45] in her left hand

[27:46] because you're

[27:46] going to need

[27:47] a ruler

[27:47] when you're

[27:47] playing the game

[27:48] I would say

[27:49] very exacting

[27:49] gaze upon this

[27:50] battlefield

[27:52] on one side

[27:53] we have the

[27:54] fierce warriors

[27:55] of Kalth

[27:55] ultramarines

[27:56] from Ultimar

[27:57] fighting an army

[27:58] of space orcs

Dan McCoy

[27:59] I think we've

[28:01] lapped ourselves

[28:02] here

Elliott Kalan

[28:02] I think

[28:03] okay

[28:04] I'm just

[28:04] going to Weaver

[28:05] I'm just like

[28:05] yeah I'll buy it

[28:06] okay sure

[28:06] I just want to

[28:07] get out of there

[28:07] so yeah you

[28:08] sold a Warhammer

Stuart Wellington

[28:08] so I would then

[28:09] turn to the camera

[28:10] and I would do

[28:11] a fist bump

[28:12] and say yes

[28:12] and that's how

[28:15] you play Warhammer

[28:15] and then I would

[28:16] have one of my

[28:16] staff ring her up

[28:17] and I would be

[28:18] I would be

[28:19] like rubbing

[28:20] my palms together

[28:21] the whole time

[28:22] and then I'd say

[28:24] see you next week

[28:25] for a painting lesson

[28:26] and then she would say

[28:28] what's going on

[28:30] I don't understand

[28:31] and then I'd

[28:34] nod knowingly

[28:35] and I'd expect her

[28:36] to show up next week

[28:37] for that painting lesson

[28:38] so that's Warhammer

[28:39] 40,000 guys

[28:40] I think we made it

[28:41] pretty clear

[28:42] you guys both

[28:43] seem sold on it

[28:43] so I guess I'll see

[28:44] you guys back next week

[28:46] for a painting lesson

[28:47] sure I guess

Dan McCoy

[28:49] whatever

[28:49] I think so

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] that's all I needed

[28:51] someday we'll learn

[28:53] how to play it

[28:53] well thanks for listening

Dan McCoy

[28:56] bye

[28:58] maximumfun.org

Justin McElroy

[29:06] comedy and culture

S6

[29:07] artist owned

[29:08] audience supported

FH Mini 13 - Warhammer, What is it Good For?

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