FH Mini 13 - Warhammer, What is it Good For?

[0:00] I'm so glad we were able to get together, guys.

[0:07] You have been bothering me quite a bit, and I think some of our listeners have been asking

[0:12] that I spend a little bit of time talking about a hobby that's very important to me

[0:17] and has been a big part of my life, and that is the miniature wargaming hobby.

[0:23] That's the hobby where you build and paint model soldiers and play wargames with them,

[0:28] and I think, specifically, tonight I'd like to talk about a little thing called Warhammer

[0:33] 40,000.

[0:34] I mean, I want to first just dispute the premise that I've been clamoring for you to explain.

[0:42] I mean, I have all these—I thought you were—I got all these text messages from you.

[0:47] Wait.

[0:48] Let me check my phone.

[0:49] I'm just worried.

[0:50] I'm not—I haven't seen Warhammer 1 through 39,999.

[0:53] Am I going to be confused?

[0:55] Oh.

[0:57] I have nicknames for everybody on my phone, and when I saw messages from Psyguy, I thought

[1:02] it was you, but it's actually my friend Raphael, so—

[1:05] Oh, okay.

[1:06] Yeah, and then there's also your friend Shyguy, who just sort of walks around.

[1:11] Yeah, that's Shia LaBeouf, yeah.

[1:14] Or it could be my friend Charles Xavier, so—

[1:16] No, it's all right.

[1:17] I mean, you know, you've done all this work, so we might as well, you know, continue rolling.

[1:24] Might as well talk about it.

[1:25] Well, Elliot, you don't have to worry about it.

[1:26] You brought up the fact that it's Warhammer 40,000.

[1:28] The reason why it's 40,000 is because the game is set far in the future, the year 40,000

[1:35] to be exact.

[1:36] Now, is it 40,000 years after the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

[1:40] I think so.

[1:41] I'm not quite sure.

[1:42] By then, they just say the Common Era.

[1:44] Yeah, exactly.

[1:45] So—and also, I think it's particularly timely because a new edition of Warhammer 40,000

[1:52] was just released.

[1:53] Let me hold up this rulebook.

[1:55] You guys see that, the epic struggle depicted on the front of that book?

[2:00] You have on one side, you have Abaddon, the leader of the Black Legion, formerly the first

[2:05] captain of the Sons of Horus, formerly the first captain of the Luna Wolves, carrying

[2:11] Demon Sword Drachmian in one hand and the Talon of Horus in the other, facing off against

[2:16] the pride of Ultramar himself, Raboot Gullinan, the Primarch of the Ultramarines.

[2:20] Now, you're probably wondering—

[2:21] Okay, there's a lot of words in there.

[2:22] You probably have some questions.

[2:24] I'm probably wondering, how much did you make up just now?

[2:27] Now, Ultramarines, like the color, I assume?

[2:31] Well, of course—

[2:32] Good question, Dan.

[2:33] Very good question.

[2:34] That is a good question.

[2:35] The Ultramarines, of course, are a chapter of Space Marines.

[2:38] That's right, Adeptus Astardes, the Angels of Death.

[2:41] They are the elite soldiers that were created by the Emperor 10,000 years ago, using his

[2:46] own gene seed to be the perfect warriors and help him conquer the stars.

[2:50] Now, back then, the Emperor was not the God Emperor.

[2:53] What?

[2:54] I don't mean to slow you down.

[2:55] So this doesn't take place in the United States of America.

[2:58] Oh, that's crazy.

[3:01] No, it takes place against a vast tapestry of stars, all the heavens, because humanity

[3:08] has gone out and conquered millions of worlds spread out all across the galaxy.

[3:13] You're probably wondering, how are they able to keep track of such a vast empire?

[3:17] Of course, it's because they use a dimension that is outside of our own normal senses.

[3:24] That, of course, is the Warp, basically a dimension of chaos filled with demons and

[3:30] all other kinds of bullshit.

[3:31] And they're able to communicate using—that's right, psychic humans that are able to communicate

[3:37] with each other.

[3:38] And you're probably wondering, how are they able to navigate from one end of the galaxy

[3:43] to the other?

[3:44] Of course, they have to tear a hole through the Warp and then use the Emperor's Astronomicon

[3:48] to guide them to another hole in the Warp.

[3:50] Are you guys following this?

[3:51] No, wait, hold on.

[3:52] Here's a question I have.

[3:53] I mean, I'm actually following it pretty straightforwardly by this point.

[3:56] I mean, it slips off my brain, so I'm not.

[3:59] But here's a question I have.

[4:02] This is a game, correct?

[4:04] Yeah, of course.

[4:05] Now, what is the advantage to having—

[4:06] It's also a hobby and a lifestyle.

[4:09] Now, what is the advantage to having a story behind a game?

[4:12] Because, you know, see, there's games like, say, Sorry, where you know—

[4:17] There's a story there, too.

[4:19] Yeah, Sorry sounds like story.

[4:21] You want to go around the board.

[4:24] You want to get home, and you don't want to be sorry.

[4:27] And that's all you need to know.

[4:28] No, no, Dan.

[4:29] Actually, each playing piece—it shows you never read the top of the box.

[4:32] I'm sorry.

[4:33] Each playing piece represents one clone of the Imperial Majestrics.

[4:38] Now, the Imperial Majestrics is a sort of god being at the center of the universe

[4:43] who, as a game with himself, has split his psyche into multiple shards

[4:47] and to see which one of those shards will make it first to home or enlightenment.

[4:52] And now when you hit a sorry, what's actually happening is you are devolving to primordial stages

[4:56] until you end up as a normal human, and you have to rebuild your XP classes

[5:00] until you get back to shard status.

[5:02] So that's—I mean, it's right there on the inside of the box top.

[5:04] It's very interesting.

[5:05] I don't like the game Sorry anymore.

[5:07] I haven't played it since I was like eight, so maybe I wouldn't like it anyway.

[5:10] Maybe you like a game like Clue more, which does have a story.

[5:13] Clue takes place on the holodeck of an Imperial Navy starship

[5:17] in which they've decided to take a break from the bloodshed

[5:20] of trying to impose the Federation rules on alien planets

[5:23] by pretending they're in a murder mystery.

[5:27] Yeah, Dan.

[5:28] That's what Clue is.

[5:30] Now, the thing about Warhammer 40,000—

[5:31] Monopoly is all about how capitalism destroys us.

[5:34] Now, you're probably wondering,

[5:36] how many different chapters of Space Marines are there?

[5:38] Well, there's almost uncounted, but there's only about 20 Primarchs, okay?

[5:41] And the Primarchs are kind of like the platonic ideal of a Space Marine.

[5:45] Are you following me?

[5:46] Okay, so you have Raboot Ghuleman of the Ultramarines,

[5:49] Conrad Kurz of the Night Lords,

[5:51] you got Jagadi Khan of the White Scars,

[5:54] you got Perturabo of the Iron Warriors,

[5:57] you got—am I just listing names of things again?

[6:01] Yes, you are.

[6:02] Oh, Dan's writing all these down.

[6:03] No, no, he's getting them down in case he has to look them up.

[6:05] You got Lionel Johnson of the Dark Angels.

[6:08] Okay.

[6:09] I gotta get Sanguinius, of course, the favored son of the Emperor,

[6:14] the most beautiful of the Primarchs, Sanguinius of the Blood Angels.

[6:18] You got Fulgrim of the Emperor's Children.

[6:20] You got Mortarion of the Death Guard.

[6:22] So, this game, so are you playing as these characters?

[6:26] Are you playing against these characters?

[6:28] I'm having trouble—

[6:29] A little bit of both.

[6:30] The opposite of Dan.

[6:31] Well, Dan, I'm wondering where the game element comes in.

[6:33] Yeah, and I'm just gonna recap here.

[6:35] We got Trimarch, Doctor Robotnik, Lionel Richie, and Fulgrim.

[6:39] Yeah, I actually got most of them right.

[6:41] Okay, good.

[6:42] At least partial credit.

[6:43] So, the thing is that the Space Marines are just one part of the great puzzle

[6:49] of Warhammer 40,000 because you're like,

[6:51] do they only fight each other?

[6:52] Do they only fight the traitor legions like the Black Legion,

[6:55] the Death Guard, the Night Lords, et cetera?

[6:59] But no, of course not.

[7:00] There's a variety of different aliens that humans also have to battle,

[7:04] like the Tyranids, the Orcs, the T'au, the Eldar, et cetera.

[7:09] So, Orcs are aliens?

[7:11] So, the Eldar are the ones that Robin Williams liked.

[7:13] Wait, I think we both have questions.

[7:15] So, Dan, you're saying that Orcs are aliens, which is—

[7:17] Uh-huh.

[7:18] Yeah, and so, Beldar from the Coneheads is in there?

[7:21] Nope, that's a common mistake.

[7:23] It's the Eldar, which are kind of like space elves.

[7:26] They're elf aliens that when they die,

[7:29] their consciousness is trapped in a soul stone, like a little jewel,

[7:34] and then they collect them all and they stick them in a giant spaceship

[7:38] made out of wraith bone.

[7:39] Are you following me?

[7:40] Okay, so let me—I have two questions for you at this point.

[7:42] Uh-huh, yep.

[7:43] The first question, and I'll ask you the two questions

[7:45] and then I expect to answer.

[7:46] The first question is, is Warhammer kind of nothing more than

[7:49] fantasy tropes wrapped up in a BS sci-fi story

[7:54] to make them seem like they're more than just a Tolkien-esque ripoff?

[7:57] And two, when does MC Hammer come in?

[7:59] Yeah, that first question was basically,

[8:01] I'm looking at images of Warhammer,

[8:03] and so this is like fantasy people in robot suits.

[8:07] That's actually pretty close, guys.

[8:10] It did—I mean, Warhammer 40,000 has been around for quite a while,

[8:15] and I think it did kind of spawn out of your traditional

[8:19] Tolkien fantasy world,

[8:21] but it also had—it was basically an excuse for these English guys

[8:26] to play around with a variety of soldiers

[8:28] and to, like, kitbash their models.

[8:30] And I think at the time, there was a lot of fantasy models

[8:33] for people's D&D games or whatever,

[8:35] and they're like, well, let me take a gun off of,

[8:38] like, a little World War II soldier

[8:40] and glue it into this elf's hands.

[8:42] Isn't this an awesome thing?

[8:43] So I think that's kind of what happened.

[8:45] And then it, you know, over the years has spawned into this

[8:48] much larger nerdy thing.

[8:50] And also, the, like, kind of, like,

[8:55] kind of silly black humor of it has kind of been—

[8:59] has kind of been washed away a little bit.

[9:02] And also, I feel like the translation of that kind of English,

[9:06] like, tongue-in-cheek, like, fantasy futuristic humor

[9:10] doesn't necessarily translate super well to American audiences.

[9:13] Do you know what I mean?

[9:15] American audiences take it a little more seriously.

[9:18] There's a certain sort of nihilistic, violent, bleak

[9:20] science fiction humor that you get from England.

[9:23] You're kind of, like, Future Shocks

[9:25] or Steve Violet stuff or—yeah, yeah.

[9:27] You're, like, your various 2000 A.D. properties.

[9:31] Yeah, I get that.

[9:32] Like, Judge Dredd is a joke in England,

[9:34] and here he's, like, a super cool dude.

[9:36] So I don't think we've even talked about

[9:38] how we're playing the game.

[9:40] Well, I kind of want to know when MC Hammer comes in.

[9:42] That was my other question.

[9:43] We're going to get there.

[9:44] I can't get there right away.

[9:45] If I try and teach you how to run

[9:47] before you learn how to walk,

[9:48] you're just going to fall on your little face, right?

[9:50] And then you're going to have to take an armor save.

[9:52] There's no way.

[9:53] I do have a little face.

[9:55] No, my face is smaller than a normal human's face.

[9:58] I'll admit it.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] So you're going to have to take an armor save when you take that hit.

[10:02] Now, you're not falling from a particularly high distance, so it's probably only like

[10:05] a strength one hit, and it doesn't have an armor penetration value.

[10:09] So you're going to get your full armor save.

[10:11] So why don't you pull up your stat block, Elliot.

[10:13] What's your armor save there?

[10:15] Okay, I don't know what the armor save is.

[10:17] I will say my face smallness, I will admit for a pillow, I do use a little pack of portable

[10:23] pack of Kleenex, you know, one of those plastic wrap packs.

[10:25] That is how small my face is, but that's what I use as a pillow.

[10:29] And in order to wash my face, I do use a toothbrush and use that as if it was a regular

[10:34] brush.

[10:35] So that's pretty small.

[10:36] Yeah.

[10:37] And I also, as a mask, instead of like a full, a full size mask, I just take like, like,

[10:44] you know, the plastic that you pop out of a, of a package that goes on a hook at a department

[10:50] store.

[10:51] There's that little piece of plastic that pops out.

[10:52] I just poke holes in that and I make a mask out of it.

[10:55] Okay.

[10:56] I want to talk about something you just said.

[10:58] Now, you said you use a toothbrush to clean your face.

[11:02] Now, are you, do you think that a normal sized person would use a brush to clean their face?

[11:10] Because I have, I'll let you in on a little bit of my shower secrets.

[11:14] I have one of those long.

[11:16] That's why we're here.

[11:17] Seems like the subject of its own mini, but those long shower brushes.

[11:21] And I'll tell you, it's, it's great for reaching your back when you can't reach that.

[11:24] It's great for getting your legs if you don't want to bend over all the way.

[11:28] But I never really use it on my face.

[11:31] It's a little rough for that.

[11:33] It's interesting that you use that for your back because for, to wash my back, I actually

[11:37] take a tree with very harsh mark and I take it into the shower with me, of course.

[11:44] And then I scratch my back against to get all that dead fur off my pelt.

[11:48] Go on.

[11:49] Dan, I just assumed because the average human's face to me is a vast expanse, like a football

[11:53] field.

[11:55] I don't want to be in a brush of some kind of clean or even a broom, if you will.

[11:57] Whereas my teeny weeny, itty bitty, widdle biddle face, I just use a toothbrush for that.

[12:02] And again, I live inside the front shirt pocket of a computer programmer and I just peek out

[12:06] every now and then with a little nightcap on.

[12:08] And so I don't, again, I sleep in a sardine can.

[12:11] So yeah.

[12:12] I remember, I remember when I, when, when quarantine first started and we decided, you

[12:16] know, it was made known that everybody should be wearing a face mask.

[12:19] I actually went to a department store and bought a doll's eye patch and I mailed it

[12:23] to you and you had to return it because it was far too big for your face.

[12:26] It was exactly.

[12:27] I remember I received that package.

[12:28] The doorbell rang while I was taking a bath in the thimble.

[12:31] And it took me hours to get from my bathtub, a thimble, to the door.

[12:35] Because again, this is a regular size human's house and I had to traverse it.

[12:38] I had to get on my aunt and ride it across the vast expanses of the, of the hallway.

[12:43] And when I got there, I was so excited to get it.

[12:45] Of course, the package fell on top of me and I had to call my aunt friends over to help

[12:49] lift it off because I couldn't lift it myself.

[12:51] But once they opened it with the help of a friendly mouse, uh, I was able to try it

[12:55] on.

[12:56] It was just a little too big.

[12:57] That's what's so great is that you're, you're bringing up themes of both like a modern modernity

[13:01] of like a house and a postal service, but then also kind of like, uh, anachronistic

[13:05] ideas like riding like a riding beast, uh, in an ant.

[13:08] And that's one of the great things about Warhammer 40,000 is that kind of mix between old and

[13:12] new and futuristic.

[13:13] Yeah.

[13:14] You can really feel the, the guy who used to manage a Warhammer store and stew, oh man,

[13:20] a guy who would spend all day in a mall in Georgia waiting for people to walk by eating

[13:26] Auntie Anne's pretzels.

[13:28] And I would try and coax them in with a smile to try and play a demo game where I would

[13:32] explain how the space Marines would battle a war band of orcs holding their bolt guns

[13:37] and missile launchers and the various sound effects I would make when they fired those

[13:41] weapons.

[13:42] Can you speak a little bit to the popularity of, uh, extremely pop, uh, extremely complex

[13:50] games with a lot of, uh, backstory because I, I, I, you know, I'm joking a little bit

[13:55] before, but I don't want to work that hard to do a game.

[14:02] And I could see once you're in that world, it's like really enjoying it.

[14:05] It's not like I don't get that, but the idea of you coaxing someone in to play an example

[14:10] game, uh, the whole process kind of baffles me.

[14:13] Oh, I mean, I think a big part of it is, uh, I mean, generally the way you get people interested

[14:20] in that sort of thing is you show them like painted models that look cool.

[14:25] And once you put a cool thing in somebody's hand, uh, if they're interested at all, they're

[14:29] going to, you know, they're just going to listen.

[14:32] And also, you know, when you got a, when you got a great voice that just kind of creates

[14:37] this world around them.

[14:38] Uh, but I feel as far as like complicated rules and backstory, I mean, it's all about

[14:42] like escapism.

[14:43] I mean, that's kind of what fantasy and all that stuff is built on is losing yourself

[14:47] in a world or a story and tying that into a world that you can then like create for

[14:53] yourself on your kitchen table.

[14:56] And then, uh, I don't know, play it, do a battle.

[14:59] I see.

[15:00] And then, uh, but I also as a shopkeep, so you're saying you're selling the sizzle, not

[15:05] the steak.

[15:07] That's so you could be, you could be a trainer for Games Workshop.

[15:11] Uh huh.

[15:12] Hi everybody.

[15:13] My name is Justin McElroy.

[15:14] I'm Sydney McElroy.

[15:15] We're both doctors.

[15:16] Nope, just me.

[15:17] Okay.

[15:18] Well, Sydney's a doctor and I'm a medical enthusiast and we create Sawbones, a marital

[15:19] tour of misguided medicine.

[15:20] Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest,

[15:21] sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history.

[15:22] Oh, I love that.

[15:23] I love that.

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:36] We dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes

[15:37] dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history.

[15:38] Well, lately we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's

[15:42] slightly less of a disaster every Friday right here on maximumfund.org as we bring you Sawbones,

[15:46] a marital tour of misguided medicine.

[15:48] And rememberppers, don't drill a hole in your head.

[15:52] Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched and your podcast host

[15:59] to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not

[16:03] the podcast for you.

[16:04] Again, what's your deal?

[16:05] I'm Emily.

[16:06] I'm Lisa.

[16:07] Our show's called Baby Geniuses.

[16:08] And its hosts are horny adult idiots.

[16:09] We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode.

[16:10] We discuss institutional misogyny.

[16:11] We ask each other the dumbest questions, and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures

[16:12] of their butts.

[16:13] We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping.

[16:14] Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on maximumfund.org.

[16:15] Now, Stewart, so is it true that we're going to have a baby?

[16:16] Yes.

[16:17] We're going to have a baby.

[16:24] Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on maximumfund.org.

[16:30] Now, Stewart, so is this like a game you play by yourself?

[16:35] Or is this someone you play with another person or multiple persons?

[16:38] Well, that's kind of the thing that I like about it is that it's something that you...

[16:42] in order to play the game you kind of need someone else.

[16:45] But, it's a hobby that you can do on your own as well, because you sit around painting

[16:48] the models by yourself.

[16:49] So, it's not just something that you like.

[16:51] It's not like buying a board game and you sit around waiting for your friends to come

[16:54] over.

[16:55] No, no, no.

[16:56] You buy the game and then you're building and painting the models.

[16:59] And then, when you do have a few spare hours that you can go see one of your friends, then

[17:03] you can set up a battlefield in the back of your, I don't know, say, bar while it's closed

[17:08] one afternoon and play a game with your friend.

[17:11] Now, how would you advise someone like me, who is roughly the size of one of the models,

[17:16] how would I paint one of them myself?

[17:18] Because I'm going to need a roller, a little teeny tiny roller, and I'm going to need enough

[17:22] paint.

[17:23] But again, how am I going to get the top of the figure?

[17:25] I'm going to need a little bitty ladder and all that stuff.

[17:27] I mean, I feel like knowing your ingenuity, you would create some kind of a pulley system

[17:32] using a spool of thread and you would wrap it around the model and then you'd pick it

[17:37] up and dunk it into the paint pot entirely.

[17:40] And then you would create some kind of a thing to spin the model so the excess paint would

[17:44] fly off like a dog shaking its back.

[17:47] And then you would also dip it again.

[17:49] You'd use a popular, old popular painting models where you would paint the entire model

[17:54] one light color and then you would buy a container of Minwax furniture stain and dip the model

[18:01] on that and then shake off the excess so that the whole thing gets a nice shade coat.

[18:05] And also it makes it more durable.

[18:07] Does that all make sense?

[18:08] So you'd be doing that.

[18:09] Okay.

[18:10] It makes total sense.

[18:11] I like when you were saying that Dan was nodding as if this was something he had done in his

[18:14] own life.

[18:15] He's like, yeah, Minwax.

[18:16] I use that shit all the time.

[18:17] I'm a handy guy that has stuff around the house.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:19] Is that like turtle wax which I use to wax all of my turtles every last one?

[18:20] You got to.

[18:21] You got to keep their shells slippery or else eagles can pick them up.

[18:22] Or so the Mario brothers will step on them.

[18:23] If you don't keep them slippery, a scorpion might get on the back and convince that turtle

[18:24] to take them across the river.

[18:25] But that scorpion does not wish that turtle well.

[18:26] I mean, if anyone's ever asked me, you know, how do you get rid of a scorpion?

[18:27] I say, well, you get rid of it.

[18:28] You get rid of it.

[20:00] shortened with my accent, but they're one of the original traitor legions that

[20:05] turned to the gods of chaos. Now the gods of chaos, there's four

[20:09] principal deities here. You have Khorne, the god of slaughter. You have Nurgle, the

[20:14] god of pestilence. Nope, it's spelled K-H-O-R-N-E.

[20:19] Oh, but it still sounds like corn, like maize. Yeah, I did not mispronounce it. I

[20:24] pronounced it a hundred percent correctly. It sounds exactly like the

[20:27] food and or band. Is there ever a misunderstanding in the world of

[20:31] Warhammer between the food Khorne and the chaos god Khorne? I'm assuming it happens all

[20:36] the time. Please pass the corn or could I put some butter on my corn and that

[20:40] could lead to all sorts of misunderstandings. It would

[20:44] certainly cause misunderstandings, if not like problems, because then you would

[20:49] do that and then the corn berserkers would show up and they would be

[20:52] attacking you with their chain axes and you're like, why would you make an

[20:55] axe with a chainsaw blade on the end? And then you're like, I guess that makes

[20:58] sense because it's just gonna chop right through my armor. So there's Nurgle, the

[21:04] god of pestilence and plague. Of course, you know, the Jolly Grandfather. You have

[21:08] Zeech, the god of magic and trickery. And then, of course, you have Slaanesh, the

[21:13] Dark Prince, the god of pleasure and pain. That's Dan's favorite, I would

[21:16] imagine. He's like a Cenobite. He's a Cenobite, sounds like. So which god do you

[21:19] pray to if you're like opening a business? Well, I mean, it kind of depends

[21:23] on the nature of the business, right? Yeah, I guess so. I guess, okay, so let's say

[21:27] it's a container store. Okay, well, if it's a container store... I know a container store is the

[21:32] opposite of chaos because you're literally buying things to organize your

[21:34] life. That's a good point. That would be like more Malol's territory, but we're

[21:39] not talking about Malol today. There's always the chance with a container store

[21:44] situation that you buy these containers with the best of intentions and then you

[21:49] get them home and it's just more stuff in your home because you just don't

[21:53] if you're the sort of person who needs containers, you know, maybe... Well, and you buy the

[21:56] containers and then you're like, let me buy more stuff to put in these

[21:59] containers, right? And I feel like that's why I think this I think you guys are

[22:03] answering your own question, right? That's right. Let's say it all together. That's

[22:06] Zeech, the chaos god of mischief. The chaos god of what was it? Magic and sorcery, yeah.

[22:14] Magic and sorcery. And of course, Zeech, of course, the chapter of Space

[22:19] Marines that turned to him were, of course, the Thousand Suns led by Primarch

[22:25] Magnus the Red, the Cyclops. Now, wouldn't the chaos god of magic be Orko

[22:30] from Masters of the Universe? Because his magic never works. Or that guy from The Last

[22:35] Unicorn. His magic was pretty unreliable. Schmendrick the Magician, yeah.

[22:40] Yeah, Schmendrick the Magician, I feel like, would worship Zeech, the god of magic. So, I

[22:44] think, I mean, I'm covering pretty much everything, but I'm going pretty fast. If

[22:49] you guys have any more questions. Are you wondering what the stats on a

[22:52] bolt cone are? I mean, yes I am, but I don't know if I'm there yet. Did you say anything about

[22:58] gameplay? Did I just space out for that entire part? No. Okay. You know you need another

[23:03] person unless you're painting. Now, humanity, of course, is beset on all

[23:09] sides. You know, not only is there the enemy within, the gods of chaos, and then there's

[23:14] the enemy without. That's Xenos threats, like, as I said, the Eldar. And then there's

[23:21] Dogtown Z-Boys. Yep, Dogtown and the orcs, where the orcs are a play on your, like,

[23:27] traditional fantasy orcs, but they're kind of like a fungus-based life form who have

[23:31] this collective, like, this collective psychology where just getting a lot of

[23:36] them together, they harness this energy called the Waaagh, and the Waaagh energy allows

[23:41] them to kind of do all kinds of stuff, like make their machinery work and also

[23:45] make them better at battling. Okay, now I apologize. I think I stopped paying

[23:49] attention for three milliseconds, and I have no idea what you're talking about anymore.

[23:53] Now, the Tyranids, of course, they are a play on your traditional xenomorph. Their

[23:58] original versions kind of look like a mix between, like, a bug and H.R. Giger's

[24:03] xenomorph. Then it kind of got even more like the xenomorph, like the Alien Queen

[24:07] from Aliens, and that was when Sigourney Weaver came into my Games Workshop store,

[24:11] and I was like, hey, recognize anybody? I didn't actually say that because I was a

[24:15] little bit too nervous. But she bought a pot of paint for me and left. I think she

[24:19] was trying to fix a piece of, like, a lamp that had been chipped. I don't know. I was pretty nervous.

[24:25] So she didn't start talking to you about Chaos Gods or the Ultramarines?

[24:31] No, she didn't talk to me about the Ultramarines. Much more interested in beloved actors, Sigourney

[24:36] Weaver. How was your interaction? Was she nice? It was very brief. I was very

[24:42] nervous. I asked her what she needed the paint for, and she told me, and then I

[24:45] rang her up, and she left, and then I called my mom. Yeah, sounds about right. And my mom was very excited.

[24:54] So, if I can, okay, so if I want to summarize what I've learned about Warhammer 40,000

[24:58] today, it is that, one, it is very complicated, and there's a lot of names

[25:03] in it. Did I even mention the Necrons yet? I haven't even talked about the Necrons.

[25:08] If I want to get the summary points, okay, one, it's a game that's very complicated. Two, I still don't know

[25:12] how you play the game. Three, Sigourney Weaver does not play it. Is that accurate? That's the summary?

[25:17] So far, you're 100% on there. And also, you don't play it alone. We do know that. I guess you

[25:24] theoretically could, but I don't think you're gonna get much out of the

[25:26] experience. I mean, ultimately, we're all alone. It's like trying to play chess against yourself, right? Yeah, yeah, okay, sure.

[25:32] We should probably wrap up pretty soon because I feel like I've ingested enough facts about Warhammer

[25:40] that my head will explode if I take anymore in. So, let's say I'm Sigourney Weaver. I came in for

[25:46] that pot of paint. You got to sell this Warhammer to me. Just give me your best 10-second pitch.

[25:51] Okay, my 10-second pitch to Sigourney Weaver. I would say, hello, Sigourney Weaver. Okay, you're cutting into your time.

[25:59] I'm just cutting into my time, but I'm trying to get him to know that, like... No, but he's making, like, a personal connection by showing he remembers her name.

[26:06] Establish a rapport. That's the first thing. Now, I'm Sigourney Weaver. My back is up now because I know you've

[26:11] recognized me as a celebrity. You're probably gonna ask me to autograph your copy of Death

[26:17] and the Maiden, and I don't autograph anything anymore. So, what do you say next? I say, don't

[26:22] worry about autographs. I don't like them. Okay, now I think it's even weirder than if you had

[26:28] asked me. And I'm making eye contact with a capital I. No, you're doing it all wrong. So, then I'll lead her over to the demo game table, and I'll say, see anything cool? Still making eye contact full time. Sigourney Weaver thinks that you're hitting on her at this point. No, I'm leading her over there exclusively with the way I'm holding my body.

[26:57] There is no contact at all. Gross. Okay. I don't know how you do that exactly. Are you wearing a cape that you could use to gesture dramatically? I don't need a cape. It's just the way my shoulders are positioned and the way that my legs propel my body toward the page. I don't know. Now it feels like maybe you're blocking the door. I feel weird about this. Yeah, now Sigourney Weaver's now looking for an exit. I am blocking the door. I didn't have to say that. I assumed it was kind of built into what I was saying. So, I say,

[27:26] notice, do you see anything cool? Eyebrows arch at this point. Oh, no. Okay. I think Sigourney Weaver is already... She would say yes at this point. She would say yes to whatever you... Yeah, sure, whatever, because she just wants to get out of there. Yeah. So, I would put some dice in her right hand, and I would put a ruler in her left hand, because you're going to need a ruler when you're playing the game. I would say... Very exacting. Gaze upon this battlefield, Sigourney Weaver. On one side, we have the fierce warriors of Kalth, ultramarines from

[27:56] Ultamar, fighting an army of space orcs. I think we've gone around the... I think we've lapped ourselves here. I think, okay, let's... I'm Sigourney Weaver. I'm just like, yeah, I'll buy it. Okay, sure. I just want to get out of there. So, yeah, you sold a war hammer. So, I would then turn to the camera, and I would do a fist bump and say, yes. And then I would have one of my staff ring her up, and I would be, like, rubbing my palms together the whole time. And then I'd say, see you next week for a painting lesson.

[28:27] And then she would say... What's going on? I don't understand.

[28:34] And then I'd nod knowingly, and I'd expect her to show up next week for that painting lesson.

[28:38] So, that's Warhammer 40,000, guys. I think we made it pretty clear. You guys both seem sold on it.

[28:43] So, I guess I'll see you guys back next week for a painting lesson?

[28:47] Sure, I guess. Whatever. Yeah, I think so. That's all I needed.

[28:51] Someday we'll learn how to play it.

[28:54] Well, thanks for listening. Bye!

FH Mini 13 - Warhammer, What is it Good For?

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