Ep. #324 - Hellboy LIVE

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss Hellboy, live in the Twin Cities!

[0:39] Hey, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:52] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:53] I'm Elliot Kalin, and where are we?

[0:55] We're in Minneapolis!

[0:58] Now, wait, are we technically in Minneapolis? Is this part of Minneapolis?

[1:04] Yeah, we're in Minneapolis.

[1:06] One of my top three Appaluses.

[1:09] Wow, along with what?

[1:11] Indianapolis and Annapolis.

[1:13] Wow, cool.

[1:14] Yeah.

[1:15] Okay, that's the whole show. See you later.

[1:19] I want to say it's my favorite Appalus. Minneapolis. It's my favorite Appalus. Of all of them.

[1:26] I lived here for about four or five months just out of college. I don't know if you know this about me, Stuart.

[1:32] Is that why I saw signs of you around town that say, don't serve this man?

[1:37] I came at the wrong time and left at the wrong time. I was here through most of a winter.

[1:44] Okay.

[1:45] Anyway, put that on my Wikipedia page, I guess. And moving on.

[1:51] I'm amazed that you got any sympathy from people who lived through those winters routinely.

[1:55] When what you're telling them is you're a pampered city boy who had to run away back to the coasts.

[2:00] Couldn't handle it here in the heart of the country.

[2:02] Yeah, I mean, New York winters are notoriously easy.

[2:06] Yeah, it's all icy, and if you're lucky, you break your neck and die, and you don't have to live in New York anymore.

[2:11] Boo, take that New York burn. I'm an Angelino now.

[2:15] East coast, least coast.

[2:18] I will say that at least when it's cold in New York, at least it doesn't smell as terrible.

[2:23] Here's my favorite thing about New York in the winter.

[2:26] Wait, are we doing coast humor now?

[2:29] Humor about the co-co-co-coast. That's if I'm scared of the ocean.

[2:33] So my favorite thing about New York in the winter, and I wonder if it's the same here.

[2:36] I don't know what the garbage situation is like here, but seeing the garbage piling up under the snow

[2:40] and seeing the urine stains on it and being like, that's going to smell when these thaw out.

[2:45] Just like seeing it and being like, that's a little time bomb someone set for the spring.

[2:50] But normally we don't talk so much about cities. Normally we talk about movies.

[2:55] And for this episode, we, as I said earlier, watched Hellboy.

[2:59] Now, not the Guillermo del Toro Hellboy.

[3:02] Or Hellboy 2, The Golden Army, also directed by Guillermo del Toro.

[3:07] But the 20, was it this year? 2019 Hellboy.

[3:13] Yep, and real quick, so we had to watch the movie.

[3:16] How many people in the audience had to watch it?

[3:19] I'm super sorry.

[3:22] We had to watch it. Government mandate.

[3:25] Yeah, I was just wondering if they had to watch it.

[3:28] Like if they were forced to because of a podcast or something.

[3:31] Now, this is something Stuart and I are just going to mention here.

[3:34] We don't have to keep yakking on about it, although we would.

[3:37] We are both huge fans of the Hellboy comic series and the affiliated BPRD comic series.

[3:41] Which, at a certain point, may have topped Nexus as my favorite long-running series of all time.

[3:48] Oh, look at all the knowing nods in the audience.

[3:51] Yeah, a lot of Mike Barron fans in the audience.

[3:54] And so when we were watching the movie, of course, we spent a lot of time talking about the comics.

[3:59] Much to the bored looks of our companions.

[4:02] Yeah, there was definitely a point watching the movie where they were just trading off plot lines.

[4:07] Like, oh, this plot line about Hellboy was great, right?

[4:09] Like, yes, this other plot line from the comics was also great.

[4:12] Like, great, I wish I was reading instead of watching this movie.

[4:15] Now, there's two reasons I bring that up.

[4:16] One, we may be more harsh on the movie than we would be otherwise because we love the source material so much.

[4:21] Two, the only reason I can understand what is happening in the movie is because I am so familiar with the source material.

[4:28] It is a convoluted film that oftentimes inexplicably will throw to a flashback rather than putting the scenes in the order you'd expect a movie to put them in.

[4:38] So shall we begin to this flashback heavy film?

[4:42] And that might be because, as people know or may not know, behind the scenes, it was a very tumultuous post-production and production process.

[4:50] I don't know enough about that to go into it.

[4:52] So the movie begins.

[4:54] It's almost as if it wasn't worth bringing up.

[4:57] Dan, if I never brought up things that weren't worth bringing up, we wouldn't have a podcast.

[5:03] Fair.

[5:05] We begin in media res, as Stewart likes to say, prologue, 517 A.D.

[5:10] It comes up in big letters on the screen because you know what?

[5:13] We're just going to rip off Guardians of the Galaxy in this movie many different ways.

[5:17] So 517 A.D., and we get a little Ian McShane voiceover to Infodump about how there was a war between people and the dark forces of whatever.

[5:25] And King Arthur ambushed Nimue, the Queen of Blood, played by Mia Jovovich.

[5:30] Jovovich.

[5:31] Jovovich.

[5:32] What did I say? Jovovich?

[5:33] Yes.

[5:34] Okay, I'll probably say that again.

[5:36] I'm just, you know, just so the Internet doesn't attack us, I'm just going to acknowledge that I at least understand how to say Jovovich.

[5:44] Wow.

[5:47] I guess you won this one.

[5:51] King Arthur, he does what you've got to do with an evil blood queen.

[5:54] He just dismembers her with Excalibur and takes all the pieces and puts them in little boxes and says to his knights to spread them across the land so they can never be found, not even by the devil.

[6:06] Cue Hellboy title card.

[6:08] To plant them so they can grow more Mila Jovovich.

[6:11] Oh, no.

[6:12] It's also like spread them throughout the land.

[6:14] You mean England?

[6:15] Because it's like not that big.

[6:18] Like it's conceivable you could have an England treasure hunt for like a radio station promotion and it would not be that crazy.

[6:26] A lot of accents, though.

[6:27] A lot of accents for such little square footage.

[6:30] It's true.

[6:31] A lot of accents.

[6:32] A lot of dislike between people who live very close to each other.

[6:35] But you have to imagine like they're like, now it will never be found.

[6:38] And in the 21st century, all these warlocks are like, I got to take a train ride.

[6:42] Oh, I'll never collect all these blood queen pieces.

[6:46] Okay.

[6:47] And this opening features a lot of that like camera tricks, like slow motion, and then real fast motion.

[6:55] And the whole time, like we're seeing stuff.

[6:57] But then Ian McShane is delivering a narration that explains exactly what we're seeing, but like pretty glib so that we know it's not our daddy's Hellboy movie.

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:06] If our dad was pretty close to our same age.

[7:09] If our dads were our age.

[7:11] So I guess this is my son's Hellboy movie.

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:15] It's not my Hellboy movie.

[7:16] But yeah, it's a lot of like.

[7:17] You let him watch rated R movies now?

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] Well, I mean.

[7:21] Just Deadpool.

[7:22] Just Deadpool.

[7:23] I mean, because Deadpool is family friendly.

[7:24] Yeah.

[7:25] Yeah.

[7:26] Kids love it.

[7:27] And occasionally, I mean, like we'll probably go see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood together.

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] And what was that movie?

[7:31] Because he likes the foot stuff, right?

[7:33] He what?

[7:34] Nothing.

[7:35] Oh, yeah.

[7:36] Oh, yeah.

[7:37] Because he's a huge foot fan.

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:39] And like, I mean, sometimes he's like, Daddy, can I watch some TV today?

[7:41] I'm like, yeah, let's catch up on the deuce.

[7:42] Yeah, that'll be good.

[7:44] But anyway, the point is, there's a lot of.

[7:47] Ian McShane's like, and she was pretty pissed.

[7:49] So she let out this plague that killed a bunch of people.

[7:51] It's.

[7:52] I love Ian McShane and it's not the best use of him.

[7:54] Anyway.

[7:55] It's almost like he doesn't give a shit.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:57] Tijuana, present day.

[8:00] Hellboy, an agent of the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense.

[8:04] He's got to go down Mexico way to Tijuana, as I mentioned.

[8:07] He's investigating a nest of vampires that's a luchador match.

[8:11] There was an agent named Ruiz who was down there investigating it.

[8:14] And at first I thought that was racist.

[8:16] But then it's like, you should send the guy who probably speaks Spanish to Mexico for that operation.

[8:20] Anyway, Ruiz has been turned and turned into a professional wrestler vampire.

[8:24] Hellboy's got to fight him.

[8:26] And this this whole scene and much of the movie efforts has a real.

[8:30] I was like, oh, this is kind of the like direct to video sci fi channel original Hellboy movie.

[8:35] Like it's very, very rubbery and very like shot with a lot of bright neon colors.

[8:41] Well, it's interesting because like, you know, if you ask me if I wanted to see Hellboy fight a luchador vampire, I'd be like, hell yeah.

[8:48] But then I watched the movie. I'm like, why? Why is this happening?

[8:51] This has no bearing on anything else.

[8:53] And then he has to. Ruiz goes full man bad and Hellboy has to kill him by impaling him on the turnbuckle.

[8:59] And they have a sad goodbye scene where Hellboy's like, come on, man.

[9:03] No, no. You got to stay with me.

[9:04] And I was like, movie, you know, I just met these characters, right?

[9:08] Like I am not on board for this emotional goodbye.

[9:11] And Ruiz gives him an ominous warning.

[9:13] Apparently, the end is coming. Bum, bum, bum. The end of the movie he wished.

[9:17] No, it also kind of feels like I like I wasn't quite sure.

[9:21] Was Ruiz always a Batman or what do you think?

[9:25] Well, a bat crashed through his window and he thought that is terrifying.

[9:30] Criminals are superstitious cowardly a lot. So I shall become a bat man.

[9:35] OK, and I'll wear a luchador mask.

[9:38] OK, that makes sense.

[9:39] Because criminals also are scared of luchadors.

[9:41] Understandably.

[9:42] You know, Bruce Wayne is a rich a-hole because when a bat crashes through his window, he's not like, ah, oh, man.

[9:48] He's just like, hmm, very inspiring.

[9:50] Alfred, take care of the bat in our house, please.

[9:53] Take care of all this glass on the ground.

[9:55] And you have to imagine Bob Kane just didn't want to put in the scene of Alfred chasing a bat with a broom.

[10:00] Oh, I want to write that story so badly now, where Alfred has to get this bat out of his ass.

[10:08] Nope, you're a Marvel man.

[10:09] I am a Marvel man, that's true, which was what Miracle Man was originally called in England.

[10:13] All right, let's get back to, remember when you told me to keep us on track?

[10:16] Yeah, I did, I took that before the recording and you're doing a bad job.

[10:19] So, Hellboy gets drunk because he's so sad, because he's kind of like a blue-collar slob of a superhero,

[10:24] and he gets picked up by BPRD agents taken to their big headquarters in the Colorado mountains.

[10:29] Don't get used to it, we're not going to see it again in this movie.

[10:32] Hellboy is in his apartment, which has a lack of windows, which means that it looks cool,

[10:37] but it's probably pretty depressing to be in there a lot,

[10:39] and his seasonal affective disorder probably really flares up when he's at home.

[10:43] Yeah, and he probably can't cook any steaks in his grill, because it just gets too smoky.

[10:48] Yeah, there's no vent over that thing.

[10:50] No, now I imagine him in his bedroom with a George Foreman grill just making a sad little burger for himself.

[10:57] Well, he'll throw in a sous-vide first, and then maybe he's got like a...

[11:00] Oh, a sous-vide.

[11:01] Yeah, I mean, he's got the full dorm room kitchen set up.

[11:04] Wait, now, what kind of dorm room did you have that there was a sous-vide at all?

[11:08] At the CIA, the Culinary Institute of America, Dan.

[11:12] If you ever get a chance to eat at the student restaurant, it's really good, it's up by Rhinebeck, New York.

[11:16] Anyway, okay, Hellboy is shaving down his horns, he's got stumps where the horns would be,

[11:22] and this is, I guess, when we start really getting a good look at his face,

[11:25] which I think Haggard might be a way to describe him.

[11:29] Well, his eyes are like sunken and skull-like.

[11:32] Yeah, and he's got a real skin tone.

[11:35] Yeah, he's Mickey Rourke-esque.

[11:37] Yeah, wow, okay.

[11:39] Forget I said yeah, I don't want Mickey Rourke coming attacking me.

[11:42] You know, if you want to argue with reality, that's your business.

[11:45] Yes, I guess we can add Mickey Rourke to our list of enemies.

[11:48] It's such a long list.

[11:49] Anyway, Hellboy's daddy figure, Professor Broom, who is Ian McShane, surprise, surprise.

[11:54] He comes in and tries to make him feel better.

[11:56] No, you're beautiful. I love you, honey. You're a fantastic son.

[11:58] Anyway, he says, you've been asked to help.

[12:01] Oh, there's a funny part where he says something, and he says, like, I don't think you're hideous or whatever.

[12:06] And Hellboy goes, yeah, I wish this face could talk.

[12:09] It would tell you something different.

[12:10] And I'm like, Hellboy, your face is talking through your mouth.

[12:15] But it also makes me think, what if If Walls Could Talk was called If Faces Could Talk?

[12:20] Yeah, HBO's like, I don't think you've thought this.

[12:23] Could you just take it back for one more draft?

[12:27] What if it was something that couldn't talk, and we were asking if it could talk?

[12:30] All right, yeah, play with that idea for a little bit.

[12:33] I guess I can use my imagination.

[12:37] Ian McShane's like, or Professor Broom is like, hey, the Osiris Society,

[12:41] which is kind of like a stuffy British version of what we do,

[12:44] they need your help fighting some giants out in England.

[12:47] So off you go.

[12:49] Then we cut to a bad guy scene.

[12:51] The Baba Yaga, yes, the famous witch of Russian folklore that Dan thinks is Streganona,

[12:56] the Italian witch who has noodle powers.

[12:59] So this is the one that eats children or spaghettis?

[13:03] I mean, it's possible that she grinds the children up and makes a pasta out of them.

[13:07] I don't know.

[13:08] But as everyone knows, she lives in a chicken-leg house.

[13:10] She rides around in a big mortar and pestle, and she eats children.

[13:13] It's what your Baba told you.

[13:14] Your typical witch stuff.

[13:16] Well, in Russia, witch eats you.

[13:20] That's why he's, why am I forgetting his name?

[13:23] The comedian does that.

[13:24] Yakov Shmurnov.

[13:25] Yakov Shmurnov is eating a sandwich, and he's like, in America I eat sandwich.

[13:28] In Russia, witch eat me.

[13:30] I saw, by the way, I saw Yakov Shmurnov.

[13:35] Stuart was really hurt by that one.

[13:38] Early in my time in New York, I got free tickets to see Yakov Shmurnov's Broadway show.

[13:44] Was that America, I Love You or something like that?

[13:46] Something like that.

[13:47] America, Let's Get Married or something like that?

[13:48] And I thought it would be funny.

[13:49] I was like, oh, this is funny.

[13:50] We'll see a Broadway show, Yakov Shmurnov.

[13:52] This is crazy.

[13:53] And we watched the first half, and we were like, we can leave now.

[13:57] We get the idea.

[13:59] You left before all the nudity.

[14:00] Oh, no.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:02] Okay.

[14:03] Baba Yaga's talking to another hellboy baddie who we don't know who he is at the moment.

[14:06] We're going to find out later.

[14:08] He's kind of a Gaelic pig demon.

[14:10] They both want revenge on Hellboy.

[14:12] Okay.

[14:13] And she's like, I'll help you get revenge.

[14:16] Now we go to England.

[14:17] England in big letters.

[14:18] Some kind of pop song on the soundtrack.

[14:21] Because, guys, let me let you in on a hot take secret.

[14:24] I'm not crazy about the Guillermo del Toro Hellboy movies.

[14:27] I love Guillermo del Toro's movies.

[14:28] Ever since I saw the first of his movies, I ever saw Devil's Backbone when that was released in the theaters in New York.

[14:33] Loved it in college.

[14:34] And I love so many of his other movies.

[14:37] Shape of Water.

[14:38] Loved it.

[14:39] My favorite movie that year, I think.

[14:40] Anyway, his Hellboy movies were a little too men and black-y for me.

[14:43] A little too goof-o.

[14:45] A little too wacky-doodle.

[14:46] A little too silly.

[14:47] Yeah, like a feature-length Mos Eisley Cantina movie.

[14:50] Well, now you've described the greatest movie in the history of the world.

[14:54] But it was a little bit like that when they were like, oh, what can we turn into a men and blacks franchise?

[14:59] Hellboy.

[15:00] And he was like, what can we turn into a Guardians of the Galaxy franchise?

[15:03] Hellboy.

[15:04] You want some more creep-em-ups.

[15:05] I want it to be more like creep-em-ups.

[15:07] So as I was saying to you while we were watching it, the scene that says Hellboy to me, there are two scenes that say Hellboy to me.

[15:12] One is, I think it's in the Conqueror Worm storyline.

[15:14] He's creeping around an old castle, and he finds there's a cabinet that's making noises.

[15:18] And he opens it up.

[15:19] There's four petrified Nazi heads that are just chattering away attached to a weird machine.

[15:23] And he says, this is the worst place in the world.

[15:25] And I'm like, yeah, that's a Hellboy story to me entirely.

[15:28] It's super creepy.

[15:29] There's a lot of weird science that's never explained.

[15:31] And he's just like, oh, I hate this.

[15:34] The other one, I think it's Box of Evil, where he and Abe Sapien are investing in a castle.

[15:38] It's always castles.

[15:39] And a monkey jumps out with a gun.

[15:41] And he goes, that monkey's got a gun.

[15:42] And it shoots them.

[15:45] Do you think that's because Mike Mignola finds monkeys scary, or he just really likes to draw them?

[15:51] Why do you have to pick?

[15:52] It could be both.

[15:53] Yeah, that's right.

[15:54] So Hellboy goes to the Osiris Club.

[15:56] And they're like, oh, we've been hunting giants for hundreds of years.

[15:59] We call it the Wild Hunt.

[16:00] And we dress up in knight's armor and use spears on a horseback.

[16:02] It's dumb.

[16:03] Anyway, three giants are on the loose.

[16:06] Look at our giant heads that we've mounted on the walls as trophies.

[16:09] But also, here's a lady psychic who's going to show you in a crystal ball a little flashback of how you came into the world, Hellboy.

[16:16] Flashback, end of World War II.

[16:18] Rasputin's working with the Nazis.

[16:20] They have a ritual that's going to bring some kind of demon to Earth to turn the tide for Hitler.

[16:25] They're always doing that stuff.

[16:26] Lucky for all of us, it didn't work out.

[16:29] Newsflash, Dan, they didn't win.

[16:31] Why am I being singled out?

[16:34] I don't understand.

[16:35] Anyway, that's when, surprise, surprise, out of nowhere, a different Mike Mignola character, Lobster Johnson,

[16:40] a never-too-clearly-defined vigilante character who carries two guns,

[16:45] and he can touch your head and burn a lobster claw image into your head.

[16:48] And he wears, like, aviator goggles and a leather jacket.

[16:51] He jumps out and just starts shooting everybody.

[16:53] Is he played by a probably-too-old-for-this-role Thomas Hayden Church?

[16:56] You bet he is.

[16:58] I love only a podcast audience.

[17:01] Are there knowing applause for Lobster Johnson?

[17:04] For Lobster Johnson, a character who he is the one weak link for me in that world

[17:10] because he never lived up to his potential.

[17:12] Anyway, then the Osiris Club shows up.

[17:14] Professor Broom is there.

[17:15] They're there to kill whatever the Nazis brought out of hell,

[17:18] but it turns out it's a widdle kid hellboy.

[17:20] They can't kill him.

[17:22] Dan, that comment reminds me of the time when I was in college

[17:25] and I went to a basement hardcore show,

[17:27] and in between songs the vocalist said something, like, about the comic book Preacher,

[17:32] and I remember after the show going and, like, talking to him for, like, 20 minutes

[17:36] about the comic book Preacher,

[17:37] and he had this look on his face like,

[17:39] Stop talking to me, dude. Somebody wants to buy merch.

[17:41] Well, that's a bit of stage chatter I'm cutting out of the act.

[17:46] So...

[17:48] Oh, not this part.

[17:50] Yeah, yeah.

[17:51] So that was all news to Hellboy.

[17:53] Hellbeat didn't know any of that stuff.

[17:54] He didn't know where he came from.

[17:55] Okay.

[17:56] I'm sorry. Let's back up.

[17:58] It's only occurring to me now.

[17:59] Why did that seer tell Hellboy this?

[18:02] Like, why?

[18:03] Well, this movie has two things running through it.

[18:06] One is everyone is constantly on their toes

[18:09] that at any moment Hellboy is going to turn into the beast of the apocalypse,

[18:12] take over the earth, bring hell to earth, and kill lots of people,

[18:15] and so they're all constantly assuming the worst of him and ready to kill him,

[18:19] and the other thing is, for some reason,

[18:21] they decide not to tell him this straight out,

[18:23] but instead to hint at it in ominous ways at seemingly arbitrary times,

[18:27] like when he's about to psych himself up for a giant hunt.

[18:30] So it's really like, I don't know, Dan, I guess that's the reason,

[18:33] because the movie needed that information stuck somewhere,

[18:36] and they decided to stick it where the sun don't shine,

[18:38] the hidden room of the Osiris glove.

[18:39] Why is there a crystal ball that he sees it in?

[18:43] There's no rhyme nor reason.

[18:45] So, speaking of rhymes and reasons,

[18:48] here's a scene that doesn't have a rhyme or a reason.

[18:51] They're in a monastery.

[18:52] Grugach, that pig man monster, he breaks in and he kills a bunch of monks.

[18:56] They have one of the casks that Nimue's part is in,

[19:00] and there's a whole dumb thing.

[19:02] Merlin put a spell on it so only a man of God

[19:05] could say the words that could open up the casket.

[19:07] It raises a lot of questions about the relationship between Merlin's kind of,

[19:11] you know, Celtic paganism, how that relates to Christianity

[19:15] at a time when Christianity was, if you've read Mists of Avalon,

[19:18] very much at odds with that type of native religion.

[19:21] It's a great book.

[19:23] You should read it.

[19:24] As my wife says many times,

[19:25] it is the book that introduced her as an adolescent

[19:27] to very detailed descriptions of sex in books.

[19:30] Tell me more.

[19:32] I don't want to spoil it for you,

[19:36] but there is a medieval threesome,

[19:37] so you'll enjoy that, I think.

[19:39] The best kind.

[19:40] But do they talk about the food in the book?

[19:45] Are there lemon cakes and capons?

[19:48] No, I don't think they talk about capons or trenchers of gravy.

[19:51] Not interested.

[19:53] Every George R. R. Martin book, let me tell you what they're eating.

[19:56] Is it the same thing they were eating in the last three books, George?

[19:59] You'll find out.

[20:00] Yes

[20:02] Aren't I a scamp it was the same food. Yeah, why is he a bad little boy?

[20:06] I'm not gonna finish those books

[20:09] You want me to write them, but I'm too busy spending my new money

[20:13] I'll write a prequel about things. You don't really care about unless you're Stuart Wellington

[20:21] It's just me George RR Martin

[20:24] I'm just I'm just a bad little boy enjoying my wife instead of doing these things you want me to do

[20:29] Anyway, that's my George RR Martin impression anyway

[20:31] so

[20:32] grogak kind to get finds a loophole where he rips the last monk's tongue out and sticks it in his mouth and says the words and

[20:38] It's like I think God is going I'll allow it like

[20:43] That's the same thing I guess

[20:45] Tongue moved I mean and if it sounds gross don't worry. It looks super fake

[20:50] Yeah, I mean this movie is super gory

[20:52] But it's all CGI gore and that the worst of that is later on when a character

[20:57] Gets shot in the face and her eyeball is dangling out by a thread and it like pops out at the camera. Yeah

[21:03] It's not just it's not dangling out. It's like dangling down. It's like dangling like out as if like

[21:10] Like a wire kind of

[21:13] Was like the scene and it's like the scene in house of wax where the guys

[21:17] Advertising that the house of wax so when he's just hitting paddle balls at the camera

[21:19] And if you don't see the movie in 3d as I did the first time I saw it on WPIX New York's movie station

[21:25] I was like why are we watching this paddle ball guy?

[21:28] Okay, so guru rock has Nimue's head now bump bump bump the Brits

[21:32] They arm up with electric electric taser pikes to go on the giant hunt, but while they're out on that hunt. Oh, it's an ambush

[21:37] They're attacking hellboy because again for reasons no one thought to tell hellboy about they wanted to die before he can cause the end of

[21:43] The world it's the zap stab zap is literally what I wrote here

[21:47] Is this curtains for hellboy? I don't know cuz we're gonna go see Nimue half reconstructed

[21:52] Just sitting around watching TV while grew crack collects her parts that part was kind of funny. I don't know

[21:58] Hellboy wakes up to find that they're Giants. They were real have eaten the British guys. He fights and kills them all in a okay

[22:04] Yeah, it's kind of fun. I like the design of the Giants. Yeah

[22:08] Yeah

[22:10] Cool, but hellboy passes out he wakes up in a house save this now

[22:15] This is twice in a row hellboy has passed out and woken up to find something so did Raymond Chandler, right?

[22:23] Because Raymond Chandler's big rule what he used to say if you don't know how to end a scene send in a guy with a gun

[22:27] But his other thing was like you don't know how to end a scene hit the detective over the head

[22:30] He will wake up in the next scene

[22:33] So, yeah, and and basically every and that means that like every scene hellboys waking up and then stumbling places

[22:40] Yeah, hellboy is kind of clumsy. I don't know if it's a symptom of the prosthetics or the more attainable

[22:47] Yeah, he's so

[22:50] Giant stone right hand and you're like, there's no way I can get him

[22:54] Yeah, well, so it probably throws off his balance that he is a giant stone right hand now

[22:58] Oh, we have years to get used to it presumably, but I don't know, you know, he's taking OT. He's getting better

[23:03] I don't know. Anyway, so

[23:06] He wakes up. He's been saved by Alice Monaghan

[23:09] Monaghan Monaghan

[23:11] Young woman who can talk to spirits and she knew hellboy when she was a baby how

[23:16] That's for a flashback for later in the movie

[23:19] Why would we learn it right now?

[23:22] Professor broom shows up and she says these ghosts are telling me to kill you with this with this gun full of angel bones

[23:27] And it's like come on

[23:30] Okay. Now, where do you get angel bones? That's I don't like I used to go to your mom and pop a cult botanica

[23:38] I guess you got to go to the big big box botanica that opened up, you know

[23:42] yeah, and like you look at the recipe and the recipe says just get some angel bones and you're like

[23:46] I guess I'll go to my butcher and like ask him for that. Yeah, I

[23:50] Mean, I guess Amazon these days. I don't even I don't want to support Amazon though

[23:54] I mean, it's not good for the local economy. Yeah

[23:57] So I guess it needs to be a real heaven-to-table restaurant if you're really gonna support it. Yeah, so

[24:03] Broom shows up professor broom and he's like hell boy. I need your help and I'm surprised that you could come up with that joke

[24:08] so quickly since you've been spending most of the evening trying to come up with porn parody raps based on the musical Hamilton, okay, I

[24:16] Did not I did I would say most of the evening

[24:20] That was a runner started by Stuart

[24:22] He and he said he said a Hamilton porn rap and I couldn't let that gauntlet go unthrown down

[24:28] Oh most of them, I mean, they're mostly the same thing. I don't know we won't go into them

[24:33] Maybe after the show I'll tell you some but I feel like we will get sued like crazy. Yeah. Yeah

[24:37] I mean, I didn't want to culturally appropriate

[24:40] porn

[24:41] so

[24:43] Well timed well timed on that punchline. Okay, professor hell boys like professor broom

[24:48] Why didn't you ever tell me about where I came from?

[24:50] Why did you what you so you didn't kill me when I was a baby?

[24:52] Why when I have to kill all these other monsters?

[24:54] We don't have time for that we don't have time for that. We're introducing a new character major Ben time. Yo, oh

[25:01] People from the from who read the comics know this guy's got some monster issues and for the movie. He's English for some reason

[25:07] Mm-hmm. I don't know and they tell hellboy. Hey the Osiris Club

[25:10] You remember those guys who tried to kill you at their other hideout? They have one of the Nimue casks

[25:15] So we're gonna go it there and Alice is like that's the psychic girl

[25:18] It's like I'm coming along and everyone's like, all right

[25:20] I guess so and professor broom gives hellboy a big pistol that's in like a special box

[25:26] Does he I guess he uses his pistol once the time he shoots probably anyway in the face

[25:30] They make a big to-do like this is the origin of his special pistol and then nothing much comes of it

[25:36] You know similar the fact that is a giant stone right hand and that doesn't matter at all ever

[25:40] Yeah, he barely even uses it to hit things with yeah, okay

[25:44] They go to the Osiris Club mansion. Everyone's been murdered and Alice is like, I'm having a psychic migraine and

[25:50] Ectoplasm comes out of her mouth and forms that the dead psychic who told hellboy all about you know, we're of demons

[25:55] That's true. I think you have a few words about this special effect

[25:58] I mean if you're gonna do it like just make it look like a ghost it looks so bad

[26:02] It looks like it looks like in the movie funny people when when Adam Sandler is a merman

[26:10] But well, I mean it looks like a like a snake made out of a gack

[26:14] Yeah

[26:16] The actor's head kind of glued on to say it like when Mike Myers is playing a kid in the love guru in the beginning

[26:21] And you're like, oh, oh, no, this doesn't look right at all

[26:25] Like yeah, and then later on the I mean the special effect isn't the worst special effect in the movie

[26:29] That's when Ian McShane does the same thing at the end of the movie and it looks like

[26:33] They shot it in his house and just pasted his head onto this thing

[26:36] But okay, and the dead psychic Queen is she gonna explain what's going on the movie?

[26:41] It's time for an ominous prophecy the Queen must never find her King. Ah, it turns out Gruauch is there

[26:48] He's looking for Nimue's arm

[26:49] I don't know

[26:50] They just stumble on him basically and Nimue comes out of a portal and is like hell boy. We should be working together

[26:55] It's the old how to do we're not so different you and I two sides of the same coin join me together

[27:00] Yeah, whatever, but Damio he just starts shooting and she disappears and also Damio's got a little thing when he gets upset

[27:07] He starts freaking out a little bit and he has to stab himself with some kind of special medicine

[27:12] We'll probably nothing probably nothing. Yeah, it's probably just insulin. I guess. Yeah

[27:17] It's an EpiPen. He had some peanuts. Hey guys sounds like they need to get back on the hunt for Nimue. No flashing back time

[27:24] The year is 1992 and hellboy saves Alice as a baby from being taken by a changeling that changeling little baby grew a gawk

[27:32] That's why he hates hellboy so much and waited 20 years for his revenge as Stewart said

[27:36] We're watching it. That should have been the first scene in the movie

[27:41] But no, anyway some hags so Nimue back together and I'm not saying it absurdly the closed captions identify them as hag one and

[27:49] Hank to know I

[27:51] Just like that. This is the sort of movie where you can just summing it up. You can say

[27:56] Dismissively, I don't know some hag so Nimue back together

[28:00] But she's still not they keep saying she can't get to her full power until she's back together and I was like, oh

[28:05] She's back together now, right? No, there's one more part. She needs a very special part that we'll get to

[28:10] well hellboy is like

[28:13] Let your mind wander on that one

[28:16] Let's just say it's a part of the body. You can't see when someone has their clothes on

[28:22] It's her blood anyway, so

[28:26] anyway

[28:27] meanwhile

[28:28] Hellboy's learning about Nimue from old books and daimyo goes out and gets a special bullet that can kill hellboy when hellboy inevitably goes bad

[28:36] Hellboy's got all this tension with room

[28:37] It's real daddy issue stuff and hellboy's like well

[28:40] Maybe if humans weren't always trying to kill monsters monsters and humans could live together and it's like dude

[28:44] Have you seen the monsters are always biting people's heads off like I don't know

[28:47] Hellboy he storms out and gets trapped in a magic elevator that takes him to a magic forest where Baba Yaga's chicken leg house is

[28:54] And Baba Yaga is all wrangling it up contorting around and crawling around on all fours with her head upside down

[29:00] Yeah, she's doing a real exorcist spider walk around and she's like hellboy

[29:05] I was doing this thing and you stopped me and shot my eye out and now I hate you and it's like how much

[29:11] backstory

[29:12] Does this movie gonna lay on us like they had the entirety of the hellboy comic series and they're like, this is our one-shot guys

[29:19] We got to stick it all in there that we are not throwing away our shot

[29:23] Which is not the there was a porn version of that that I was saying it works it still works

[29:28] Yeah, it's still worth anyway

[29:29] So that I mean this is kind of a fun scene because Baba Yaga's living all over the place and like hellboy seems kind of

[29:35] Unsure of himself. Yeah, this is definitely my favorite and he's like, I don't want to eat this soup

[29:40] That's made out of children bodies and like I get it man. I wouldn't want to

[29:45] But you got it. I mean like just yeah

[29:48] You gotta like pull the soup up to your mouth and then like mmm and put it back down again

[29:53] Flip it over your shoulder. You're like jumping in a plant and the plant dies

[29:58] And this is the one

[30:00] Creepy moment in the movie is where he picks up the spoon and there's children's fingers in the soup and it kind of the camera

[30:04] Kind of turns and he looks behind him and you see her like meat locker

[30:08] It's a lot of his name and I'm like and you just see it for a short amount of time and I'm like, oh, yeah

[30:13] This is what the movie needs to be creepy. Yeah, not to have so many radio hits playing all the time during fight scenes

[30:19] Anyway, she's like I want my eye to replace

[30:22] The eye you shot out I'll tell you where Nimue is if you give it to me and then for some reason she gives him

[30:26] a big gross sloppy kiss where her tongue is literally wiping all over his face and

[30:31] I didn't enjoy him saying like how's your tongue? Harry? Yeah

[30:36] And he's always got a quip hell boys always got a quip for every occasion

[30:39] even if there's no one around to hear it and many of the quips sound a little like they were 80 yard in later, but

[30:45] Seems unlikely. I mean you wouldn't need to punch up this movie. It's I mean

[30:49] You can't always think of the right thing to say in the moment

[30:51] I would love it if like during the filming they're like they're like telling David David Harbour's that is David Harbour David Harbour

[30:57] They're like, could you deliver?

[30:59] Can you just act more like with your back turn to the camera?

[31:03] So we can just like whatever we want later on we can just stick it in

[31:06] Should we talk about we take a moment to talk about the design of Hellboy in this one?

[31:10] Cuz it's not David Harbour's fault that the design of the character is

[31:13] Doesn't allow for a lot of motion from his face and he's also like he's going up against the last Hellboy

[31:19] Which is Ron Perlman who is the best actor in prosthetics? Yeah, he's amazing. I came in between him and Doug Jones

[31:25] They're like, you're not gonna top those guys. Yeah, and for some reason they made a decision

[31:29] I mean hell boys always had like sometimes got a little ponytail

[31:33] Somebody's got kind of a topknot one of my less favorite men's hairdos, but that's just you're not a fan of the Witcher series

[31:38] Yeah, it's I think it's mainly just because I'll never have enough hair again to do it

[31:42] But he but for this they decided that his hair should always be out and down in this kind of like long stringy

[31:47] Like what does it look like? Like I don't know. It's kind of like a wrestler. Yeah, he looks like the wrestler

[31:52] He looks like Mickey Rourke the wrestler. Yeah, they're and they're really like, oh

[31:55] Who's making comparisons to Mickey Rourke now, Elliot? I compared his hair

[32:00] I didn't I didn't imply that Mickey Rourke's face looks like a demon from hell

[32:06] Like to

[32:08] Bring in exhibit a which is flophouse episode

[32:11] With you said then Mickey Rourke was like a bag of mashed potatoes

[32:17] I was younger than Dan. I was younger and I didn't live in Los Angeles yet. So it was very unlikely. He could find me

[32:25] Yeah, you probably don't go to the same like chihuahua groomer, yeah

[32:29] He's got a great Instagram with a bunch of chihuahuas. Yeah, he is

[32:32] I remember one is to one of his chihuahuas died and he was really sad about it. Maybe yeah

[32:35] He does have feelings. He's a human being human

[32:38] I should have gotten that from his performance in the wrestler, which is

[32:40] hauntingly vulnerable

[32:42] But okay, so he's like I'll give you my eye when I'm done with it

[32:46] See ya, and they have a big fight in any way, but he knows where Nimue is now

[32:50] So he just say he and Alice and Damien and nobody else decided to go confront Nimue and meanwhile Alice is like Damien

[32:56] Why do you hate monsters so much and he's like

[32:58] Once I was with a special ops group and we were in a fighting a jaguar demon in Belize and I was the only survivor

[33:02] And you just catch a glimpse of this jaguar demon and he looks so much like a gritty reboot of Chester Cheetah

[33:07] Like

[33:09] Like all he's missing is the shades

[33:12] But it's like you imagine that some Hollywood producers like what IP is still available to make a horror movie out of

[33:19] The Frito Bandito they did it

[33:22] What about the Hawaiian punch guy? They did it

[33:25] What's left and he sees a bag of Cheetos across the room and he goes get me that cheetah

[33:30] That's why I think it's like that seems like almost a parody of like

[33:35] Backstory like why do you hate monsters so much like flashback like special ops a like a monster like

[33:42] Monsterifies and we just like you know what I don't think we need motivation for not liking monsters in this world a good point

[33:49] Yeah, monsters are pretty mean normally. Yeah, I mean except the ones in a real monsters

[33:53] We're kind of hapless or monsters Inc. See and I found a lot like a mad like a mad monster party. Maybe yeah

[33:59] I mean what was so mad about that monster party? They seem like having a great time

[34:01] I mean, I think it was everything was like mad like mad magazine like that was not a mad endorsed

[34:08] The name is up for grabs

[34:10] I'm just saying it has the same spirit of a mad, but you can't just say like oh, this is

[34:14] You can't just say this is like mad magazine. I'll just call it mad

[34:18] If I opened up the mad cafe, and we have the spirit of mad magazine our cafe

[34:22] I do that you do it now mad well under we can do whatever we want

[34:26] All right, let's do it guys. Let's move to Minneapolis and open up the Maddiapolis mad magazine cafe

[34:33] What are you gonna?

[34:34] For the grand opening we can get a big celebrity like Nance Nicholson. I

[34:39] Love it. Let's do this

[34:42] And then I just it's like apocalypse now. I just send back a letter that says sell the house sell the kids. I'm done like

[34:49] Okay, so uh

[34:51] They go there they're in the forest they're in a helicopter

[34:53] But they can't land too close to Nimue yet when she's at a magic tree

[34:57] That's full of her blood, and she needs to get it back

[34:59] Zombies attack them and hellboy just runs off and Damio

[35:02] He has to keep injecting himself with this madman medicine that makes it to stop being a monster

[35:06] I guess yeah, this is when Alice is punching zombies and knocking their ghosts out of their bodies

[35:12] Yeah, cuz she can just do that now pretty cool

[35:14] And he's like you can do that and he's like I do she's like I do lots of weird stuff all right

[35:19] Nimue is back to normal and her army of kind of like CGI gremlins shows up

[35:23] And they are not the most intimidating

[35:25] Characters like they look like if it was a kids movie and there's like a portal to a gremlin world and a real estate developer

[35:31] wants to steal the land like

[35:33] Kidnap the gremlins to sell them as the hot toy of the season and two kids have to save them like that's what they look

[35:38] Like a little bit

[35:40] And hellboy shows up and shoots Nimue in the face her eyes dangling her army of gremlins runs away instantly

[35:47] And Nimue is like hellboy. You should be my king. Let's rule together

[35:51] We'll start a new Eden from the ashes of the human world and he's like no way dude

[35:54] So from her crown up so from her crown of twigs

[35:57] She snaps a little twig and throws it like bullseye would throw a toothpick right into Alice's neck

[36:02] ah it's got magic poison in it and

[36:05] She ran she runs off and another witch comes out

[36:07] I was like hellboy you got to go down this tunnel across this beach over to this place to that place to the cave

[36:12] where Merlin is buried and

[36:14] Over we see her voiceover in this as they do it and I'm like, why did you show us them doing this?

[36:19] You know, you should go to Merlin's cave

[36:21] I mean, you know, it's like do they trust that they don't they assume the audience like well

[36:26] If they don't explain exactly where they're going. It won't make sense

[36:29] There's a thing there's an essay Umberto Eco wrote called how to tell if you're in a porn movie or something like that

[36:33] And he was saying in movies there are scenes of things happening, but in porn it's just sex scenes

[36:39] But you can't do just sex scene sex scene sex scene. It would deaden you they've got to fill it with something

[36:43] So they fill it with a lot of people getting from one place to another

[36:46] So we're saying if you are going from one place to another and you experience the entire journey from point A point B

[36:52] You're in a porn movie and I feel like that's what's going on here kind of I

[36:57] Mean I experienced the entire journey from point A to point B when I whenever I'm you know going somewhere Elliot

[37:03] So am I in a porn movie you tell me you know a lot more about your private life than I do. I

[37:09] Mean you're not you can't you're not probably not a great porn movie, but you know

[37:13] You don't know you don't know that's true. I don't know okay, so maybe you're in a fantastic one

[37:17] I'll just go with you, and we'll find out you know

[37:19] It's a it's a real Schrodinger's sex cat scenario

[37:24] Until it's observed we won't know

[37:27] Okay, so they go find Merlin and Merlin's like hey

[37:30] Let me lay some backstory on you because we're like great

[37:33] We needed more and this and this is one of those moments where they go to somebody that they need to like cast a spell

[37:39] And Merlin's like only do it if you kill Nimue for me, and they're like we're gonna do that anyway, okay?

[37:45] Like there's no cost first you must do a quest for me. You must destroy Nimue the blood queen. That's what we're doing

[37:51] Oh, okay, well

[37:54] Fanta from the corner store. Yeah, I mean maybe like a different quest

[37:58] I feel like there should be a question here pick up that rock hand it to me. You did it. Oh champion

[38:04] Now I'll do what you're bidding all right, but do the other thing to the Nimue thing

[38:09] And he saves Alice and he explains hellboy your mom was a descendant of King Arthur

[38:13] And she was a witch and had sex with a demon and you were born and so since you're you're half-human a descendant of King

[38:19] Arthur you can wield Excalibur to destroy Nimue and I'll have to admit in the comics

[38:23] This is one of not one of my favorite parts of the comics is the Arthur stuff

[38:26] I love almost all the rest of it

[38:28] But they got to be faithful and they got to do it by cramming all that exposition into one semi flashback. You know Elliot

[38:34] I I often when you're giving one of these

[38:38] Recaps particularly the live shows. I think like okay

[38:42] This sounds like the craziest bullshit in the world like the audience must be like what this is

[38:47] Zanius move like what audience is like wait his name's venom. That doesn't make sense at all

[38:52] He's a symbiote, but in this case like that Stewart

[38:55] It gives rise to again as we said earlier in the day my favorite line

[38:59] I think in any flop house movie when Michelle Williams sits next to Tom Harding's goes. I'm sorry about venom

[39:04] Like his dog died and his dog's name venom. I mean they were very close literally literally venom lived in his skin

[39:11] No, I'm just saying that like for once like the movie is

[39:15] Exactly as disjointed and weird as you're describing

[39:18] Yeah

[39:19] It does feel like they they had a movie and they put in a blender and like spun it around and they're like like my tender

[39:25] Heart anyway, so Merlin conjures up Excalibur, which is sitting there vibrating in reality

[39:31] Kind of like half in half out and Hellboy grabs it, and they seize this magical

[39:35] Vision of himself riding a dragon through hell

[39:39] Crowns up kind of like running down a dragon tail, and it sounds awesome, but it kind of isn't yeah

[39:45] It's real heavy metal stuff not I mean like heavy metal the movie or the magazine and that's some music, too

[39:50] I guess but it's just like it's not as cool as it sounds

[39:52] But he's like oh he hesitates and the sword disappears and Merlin is like nice work hotshot and crumbles to dust

[40:00] He's like, he's like, yeah, fucked it up.

[40:05] Hellboy, smooth move, x-flex.

[40:09] So Nimue, at this point, she throws caution to the wind.

[40:12] She's walking around the streets of London throwing plague bugs at people

[40:15] and attacks the BPRD hideout there.

[40:17] They're in the London Auxiliary Annex, I guess.

[40:20] And then Hellboy and Daimyo and Alice show up in a church for some reason.

[40:24] I don't remember. And Nimue is there and she's made Gragau enormous.

[40:28] And Hellboy fights him and it's really got Hellboy on the ropes.

[40:31] So Daimyo, he's like, time for me to let out the beast, if you know what I mean.

[40:36] Hell yeah, he chugs a monster energy drink.

[40:40] And he turns into his jaguar monster.

[40:43] And this is hilarious because he's like, turning into a jaguar.

[40:46] And it looks just like the scene in An American Werewolf in London, except not as good.

[40:50] Like, because it's all computers.

[40:52] And I should say, there's a lot of practical makeup effects in this.

[40:55] Because it's computers. It's done, like, it's very quick and cheap.

[40:59] And the movie didn't have as much money.

[41:01] And Grugrock is like, I'm going to finish you off, Hellboy.

[41:03] He's about to stab him.

[41:05] And wait, Jaguar Man roars.

[41:07] And Grugrock's like, huh, what's that?

[41:09] And he can't see where it came from.

[41:11] And then Jaguar Man jumps out at him.

[41:13] And it was like, why the roar? You already had the element of surprise.

[41:16] Elliot, I think you're overlooking an important part of Grugrock, the pig demon.

[41:21] And we should also mention, he has some kind of Irish-Scottish accent.

[41:25] And he is constantly swearing.

[41:27] He's constantly swearing.

[41:29] I would like a version of Meet the Press, where someone turns to someone and is like,

[41:32] I think you're overlooking an important aspect of Grugrock, the pig demon.

[41:37] But it certainly feels like this character's like, well, we got an R rating.

[41:42] We should just fucking go with it, right?

[41:44] Yeah, no, he's swearing up a storm.

[41:46] Every time he's like, Hellboy, fucking shit, butt, butt, fuck.

[41:50] That's kind of what it's like.

[41:54] Poop, dong, etc. That's like him.

[41:56] Yeah, that's R rated.

[41:58] R rated, yeah.

[42:00] And they fight. Jaguar Monster stops him.

[42:02] And Nimue shows up again, and she's like...

[42:04] But they don't even stop Grugrock.

[42:06] Grugrock's like, gonna win.

[42:08] And then Nimue shows up. She's like, don't kill Hellboy anymore.

[42:10] Now I'm gonna kill you.

[42:12] And she takes all his power, and he turns into a little baby.

[42:14] And he's like, fuck you, Hellboy.

[42:16] And it's like, Nimue, you're really the one who screwed you over on this one.

[42:19] And he just explodes in blood, right?

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:23] When he gets small enough.

[42:25] That's what happens to all of us, you know.

[42:27] When you get small enough, you explode in blood.

[42:29] That sounds like an album you would listen to.

[42:31] Explode in blood.

[42:33] That sounds great.

[42:35] So she was like, I needed him to get you as mad as possible.

[42:37] So I can convince you to join me.

[42:39] And it's like, psychology, I guess.

[42:43] And she takes Professor Broom out, and she's like, join me or I'll kill him.

[42:45] Eh, I'll do it anyway.

[42:48] And then one of her long fingernails just flicks his throat and kills him.

[42:50] And Hellboy's so mad that he pulls Excalibur out of the stone, because it's there also.

[42:52] She probably grew that fingernail for cocaine.

[42:54] But I guess murdering people is a good secondary use.

[42:56] I gotta assume.

[42:58] Yeah, back in the 570s.

[43:00] She was really doing a lot of cocaine.

[43:02] She's like, I was chopped up, so I missed the 80s.

[43:04] So I've been doing it all.

[43:06] That's why she's wearing a suit jacket with rolled up sleeves.

[43:08] And a super skinny tie.

[43:10] It's very hip.

[43:12] Have you guys heard this song?

[43:15] I'm going to spin you right round, Hellboy.

[43:17] Like a record player.

[43:19] And Hellboy's like, what's that?

[43:21] I'm a cool young person.

[43:23] Oh, did I forget to mention earlier that in this world, Hellboy is famous also?

[43:25] And people are always tweeting about him.

[43:27] But anyway.

[43:29] So Hellboy goes so mad, he pulls out Excalibur, and his horns grow out.

[43:31] And his sword goes on fire.

[43:33] And his flaming crown appears hovering above his head.

[43:35] And that's the cue for a body slam.

[43:37] And he's like, I'm going to kill you.

[43:39] I'm going to kill you.

[43:43] And that's the key cue for a bunch of giant monsters to just walk around London

[43:45] murdering people in the most gruesome way as possible.

[43:47] And it's like a different movie suddenly intruded on this movie.

[43:49] And you know what?

[43:51] I kind of loved it.

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:55] And this is stuff that's happening.

[43:57] Hellboy, I don't think, ever knows that this happens.

[43:59] Like it's all outside of where they are.

[44:01] Yeah, it's like a monster jumps out and like rips a guy's face off.

[44:03] Or like a monster that has a hand where it's crotch is, ripping a guy in half.

[44:05] Like it's crazy.

[44:07] Like at this point I'm like, wow, movie.

[44:09] You really know your stuff.

[44:11] Like at this point I'm like, wow, movie.

[44:13] You really turned around.

[44:15] Yeah.

[44:17] Never has a movie switched so quickly as like audition or something.

[44:19] It's super gory.

[44:21] And Hellboy is about to join Nimue.

[44:23] And Damio is about to shoot him with the magic Hellboy killing bullet,

[44:25] which has made us some magic stuff.

[44:27] When Alice raises Broom's spirit with a bunch of ectoplasm out of her mouth.

[44:29] And this is when we see, again, the worst effect in the movie.

[44:31] And Professor Broom, tough guy.

[44:33] He's like, I'm going to kill you.

[44:37] He's like, I'm going to kill you.

[44:39] And Professor Broom, tough, loves Hellboy into doing the right thing.

[44:41] Hey, man up.

[44:43] You're a human being.

[44:45] So grow some balls and fight this lady.

[44:47] And Hellboy is like, okay.

[44:49] And chops up Nimue with Excalibur.

[44:51] That's the cue for all the demons to get sucked up into hell.

[44:53] I guess the demons were on...

[44:55] Like they had a recreational leave from hell jail?

[44:59] I mean, he, at this point, he like gives up his...

[45:01] Does he break his horns?

[45:03] Yeah, he breaks his horns.

[45:05] He decides not to be the prince of hell or whatever.

[45:07] He decides to become the right-handed destruction.

[45:09] Beast of making blow-ups.

[45:11] And then he chucks Nimue's head down into hell.

[45:13] Yeah, he chucks Nimue's head into hell.

[45:15] And Broom's ghost is like, I'm sorry I wasn't a better dad.

[45:17] I love you, Hellboy.

[45:19] It's genuinely moving.

[45:21] I mean, it's not like the scene in, spoiler alert,

[45:25] Anne of Green Gables when Richard Farnsworth dies in front of Anne,

[45:27] and he says, I never wanted...

[45:29] Boy, Anne, I wanted you.

[45:31] I'm so proud of you.

[45:33] And I was crying so hard when I watched it.

[45:35] He gives that speech as he's been conjured

[45:37] through somebody's mouth of ectoplasm.

[45:41] Elliot Cailin's controversial position

[45:43] that Anne of Green Gables is more moving

[45:45] than Ian McShane as a glob ghost

[45:47] saying, I love you, Hellboy.

[45:49] To a demon man.

[45:51] Yeah.

[45:53] I'll take that hot take.

[45:55] Hashtag it, yeah.

[45:57] Elliot, I'm sorry about Venom.

[45:59] Thanks, that means a lot to me. I appreciate it.

[46:01] Daimyo shatters his Hellboy killing bullet

[46:03] as he's seen the light.

[46:05] Six months later, the title...

[46:07] Oh, and then the camera pans up and we see that London is in ruins.

[46:09] London has been fucking razed.

[46:11] And so, six months later,

[46:13] which would have been a funny way to end the movie,

[46:15] six months later, Siberia.

[46:17] Now, Daimyo, Alice, and Hellboy,

[46:19] they're the new BPRD team,

[46:21] and they're just kicking ass, taking names.

[46:23] They're not taking names.

[46:25] They're beating up faceless bad guys in hazmat suits

[46:27] who look, if anything, like scientists

[46:29] who are trying to get out of the way

[46:31] It's like running away with clipboards,

[46:33] getting their ghosts punched out of their bodies.

[46:35] Yes, and...

[46:37] We didn't know what the job was!

[46:39] I wanted to put it in a museum.

[46:41] That was Dracula, the archaeologist.

[46:43] Okay.

[46:45] Bleh, it deserves to be in a museum.

[46:47] Do you know how hard it is to dig in the desert

[46:49] only at night?

[46:53] Anyway, I guess

[46:55] there's a reason Indiana Dracula and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

[46:57] didn't work out.

[46:59] I never eat bad dates.

[47:03] Nice. Very nice.

[47:05] Very nice. Children of the night.

[47:07] They belong in a museum.

[47:09] So...

[47:11] I hate snakes and steaks.

[47:19] I guess this is our SNL character now.

[47:23] You'll see, Dracula, we're not so different, you and I.

[47:25] Because we're both vampires.

[47:27] Because...

[47:29] Belloc is a vampire in this one too.

[47:31] Belloc's also a vampire.

[47:33] Yeah.

[47:35] And Sean Connery is not a vampire, but he's still like...

[47:37] I guess he still sounds like Sean Connery.

[47:39] Indy was my favorite.

[47:41] We called the vampire Dog Indy.

[47:45] Anyway...

[47:47] How great would that be, though?

[47:49] Okay, it's the beginning of Last Crusade.

[47:51] We're so close to the end.

[47:53] And River Phoenix is on that train.

[47:55] He falls in the cattle car with snakes in it.

[47:57] He falls in the cattle car that's transporting Dracula's skeleton.

[47:59] Is it John Carradine from the later Universal pictures?

[48:01] You bet it is.

[48:03] The steak gets knocked out of the skeleton.

[48:05] He bites him.

[48:07] I'm a Dracula now.

[48:09] And now you know the rest of the story.

[48:11] Six months later, they're in Siberia.

[48:13] They kill all these scientists.

[48:15] They find some kind of a big tube.

[48:17] And they wipe away the dust on the nameplate.

[48:19] Ichthyosapien, a hand, slaps the glass.

[48:21] Cut to black.

[48:23] Ichthyosapien will be in the sequel that was never made.

[48:25] End of credit scenes, right?

[48:27] Incorrecto.

[48:29] Skip ahead. Mid-credit scene.

[48:31] Hellboy's real sad at Broom's grave.

[48:33] It's a real Alas, poor Yorick-type scene.

[48:37] And then Lobster Johnson shows up to give him a comedy pep talk.

[48:39] And Hellboy's like,

[48:41] Lobster Johnson's ghost, I love you, you're amazing.

[48:43] Oh my god, I'm so starstruck.

[48:45] End of scene.

[48:47] It makes no sense why that's in there,

[48:49] other than maybe Thomas Hayden Church is like,

[48:51] I'm only doing this movie if I get two scenes.

[48:53] Two scenes, please.

[48:55] And it ends with Hellboy going,

[48:57] well, that just happened.

[48:59] And you're like, that describes the movie, yes.

[49:01] End of movie, right?

[49:03] No. Wrong again. Stop.

[49:05] Grumping. Two. Conclusions.

[49:07] End of credits scene

[49:09] for the true Hellheads who stay till the end.

[49:11] Or Hellboys,

[49:13] B-O-I-Z.

[49:15] The Baba Yaga is promising some

[49:17] off-screen monster,

[49:19] and John Hellboy, if you kill Hellboy,

[49:21] I'll give you what you want most.

[49:23] I'll let you die. Cut to black.

[49:25] Will we ever find out who that monster was?

[49:27] No, we won't. The movie was not a success.

[49:29] There will be no sequel.

[49:31] Much like the end of the Mario Brothers movie

[49:33] when Princess Peach shows back up with a big gun

[49:35] and says, I need your help.

[49:37] We don't know why she needs their help.

[49:39] And I'm going to guess it was Rasputin.

[49:41] That's my guess. But I guess we'll have to

[49:43] talk to Neil Marshall. Wait, Princess Peach needed their help

[49:45] to kill Rasputin?

[49:47] No. No, Stuart.

[49:49] I mean...

[49:51] Maybe. If there's anyone you need help to kill,

[49:53] it's Rasputin. Yeah, I guess.

[49:55] He can't just jump up and down on his head.

[49:57] You need fireballs or something.

[50:00] Uh, you gotta jump on a turtle shell that knocks him over.

[50:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[50:03] You jump on his head three different times.

[50:05] You gotta time his fireballs so you can get over them.

[50:07] Okay, that makes sense.

[50:08] And then his big hovering clown helicopter thing crashes down.

[50:13] But unfortunately, your sequel is in a different castle.

[50:16] Yeah.

[50:17] And that's the famous bit where we ram a couple of different things together.

[50:21] Anyway.

[50:21] Also known as the whole podcast.

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:25] Let's do our final judgments about this movie.

[50:27] Sure.

[50:28] It's called Hellboy.

[50:31] If you say so.

[50:32] Is it a good, bad movie?

[50:34] A bad, bad movie or a movie you kind of like, Stuart?

[50:36] What do you have to say?

[50:37] Uh, yeah, this was a bad, bad movie.

[50:39] I mean, yeah, it was a bummer.

[50:42] Not a fan.

[50:44] Yeah, I had hopes for this movie.

[50:46] I don't have the same connection to the character that you guys do.

[50:51] I basically knew him from the Del Toro movies.

[50:54] But Neil Marshall, the director, made The Descent,

[50:57] which I think is probably the best horror movie of that decade.

[51:00] And he made Doomsday, which is a lot of fun.

[51:04] Very silly, but fun.

[51:05] And Dog Soldiers is also fun.

[51:07] And this movie is not good at all.

[51:10] Well, this is also the first movie he didn't write.

[51:13] Well, and also, as Elliot said, I made fun of him for bringing it up,

[51:17] but it was a tortured production.

[51:18] Well, well, well.

[51:21] What a tangled web we weave.

[51:23] What goes around comes around.

[51:26] It just seems the backstage story is on the other foot now, my friend.

[51:31] None of these apply, but what do you have to say, Elliot?

[51:35] If wishes were fishes.

[51:38] If ips and buts were candy and nuts.

[51:41] That would be a weird world.

[51:44] Very weird world.

[51:46] I, it's like, I don't know, maybe I feel like I'm seeing it

[51:49] through the lens of someone who has so much affection

[51:52] for the original source material.

[51:53] I don't know if I can fully judge it fairly.

[51:55] But again, taking my cue from the people we watched it with

[51:58] who could not follow the film because it was so crazy and disjointed.

[52:01] I'm going to say maybe there's some fun to be had in it

[52:04] if you just want to watch like goofy CGI gore.

[52:06] But I thought it was a bad, bad movie.

[52:08] Yeah. All right.

[52:09] It pains me to say, in a way, does it?

[52:12] I mean, you seem to take pleasure out of it, but let's move on.

[52:16] I it's it's I took pleasure.

[52:17] And then I regretted that pleasure

[52:18] because everyone who worked on it was trying their best, you know,

[52:21] their hell best.

[52:22] You're all of their grandmas right now.

[52:26] Elliott Elliott suddenly quits the podcast.

[52:29] You know what? This whole premise is kind of mean.

[52:32] I'm going to go.

[52:40] Hello there, ghouls and gals.

[52:42] It is I, April Wolf.

[52:44] I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart pounding

[52:47] world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as Switchblade Sisters.

[52:53] The concept is simple.

[52:55] I invite a female filmmaker on each week and we discuss their favorite genre film.

[52:59] Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Babadook director,

[53:03] Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director, Debra Granik,

[53:07] and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org.

[53:11] Tune in if you dare.

[53:15] It's actually a very thought provoking show that deeply explores

[53:17] the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process,

[53:19] while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze.

[53:21] So, like, you should listen.

[53:23] Switchblade Sisters.

[53:28] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

[53:30] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor.

[53:33] Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor.

[53:36] I'm Judge John Hodgman.

[53:38] You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people

[53:41] who have submitted disputes to my Internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[53:45] I hear their cases.

[53:46] I ask them questions. They're good ones.

[53:48] And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong.

[53:51] Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling,

[53:53] my dad has been forced to retire, one of the worst dad jokes of all time.

[53:57] Instead of cutting his own hair with a Flowbee,

[54:00] my husband has his hair cut professionally.

[54:03] I have to join a community theater group.

[54:05] And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals.

[54:08] It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

[54:10] Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

[54:17] Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

[54:21] All right.

[54:23] Uh, yeah, this is the part where we answer some questions.

[54:27] And like I said, there are a couple of microphones.

[54:30] I know I'm going to stand up for this one because I'm an old man.

[54:32] I can't sit that long.

[54:33] Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[54:34] You guys, I've said it before.

[54:35] I'll say it again.

[54:36] I know you got cues. Let us A'em.

[54:40] That is a Q&A.

[54:41] There's nothing gross about that.

[54:43] It sounded gross.

[54:44] I saved time by not saying the extra syllables.

[54:47] No.

[54:48] Dan, which side should we start from?

[54:50] Should we start from that side or that side?

[54:52] That side or that side?

[54:53] Start on the left and then back and forth.

[54:56] OK, stage left, house right.

[54:59] Correct.

[54:59] Some theater terms for you.

[55:03] Wait, Dan.

[55:04] Someone was in a play once.

[55:07] You know, before we get to questions.

[55:09] Oh, God.

[55:11] The theater's a magical place, you know.

[55:15] And sometimes.

[55:16] Oh, it's time to check in for my flight home.

[55:18] You just you just can't express that magic in prose.

[55:23] You got to do it.

[55:24] Jumps up in song.

[55:30] Well, Dan.

[55:31] Well, Stuart, we've gone a lot of places on this big blue marble,

[55:35] but I don't think any place can compare to Minneapolis.

[55:42] I just want to give the city a kiss.

[55:44] Minneapolis.

[55:47] If I had a snake, it would probably hiss Minneapolis.

[55:53] Hey, you know, like I said, there's a lot of cities around.

[55:59] But hey, you know, when I realized my plane would be touching down

[56:04] in Minneapolis, well, I jumped for joy in my seat.

[56:09] I had to stay buckled while the plane was landing

[56:13] because the FAA is very careful about that.

[56:17] They're very strict with their rules.

[56:20] And you know what else I'd say rules?

[56:24] Minneapolis. Thank you.

[56:26] You know, you know,

[56:30] usually, usually that's the point where either I or Stuart

[56:35] or sometimes both would leave the stage to go pee.

[56:37] But there's no green room bathroom.

[56:39] So we had no way to escape that.

[56:42] So we just peed in our pants. We did.

[56:45] All right. Let's answer some questions.

[56:47] Hello. My name is Salem.

[56:48] Last name withheld.

[56:50] I started listening to your podcast when I was 13.

[56:53] No joke. I went through your backlog playing Minecraft on the family computer.

[56:59] Oh, it's like it's like you had the your generation version of my life.

[57:06] So now I'm 20 and in college.

[57:09] And I was thinking that's like a crazy long time to be doing anything.

[57:13] This podcast, not playing Minecraft.

[57:16] So when you're working on a project for so long, that is a very consistent project,

[57:21] but you're still going through many different periods in your life

[57:24] and having a lot of changes, what makes you stay motivated and interested

[57:28] in your work, even when it's not necessarily changing or doing anything

[57:31] interesting and also.

[57:33] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[57:37] Kidding.

[57:39] Perfectly fine process.

[57:40] Question. Suddenly it's the rose to the flower.

[57:47] No, are we in hell right now?

[57:49] That was so much fun.

[57:50] Yeah, come on.

[57:52] I'm just kidding. I'm so sorry.

[57:54] No, we didn't. We didn't change or grow.

[57:56] So it's fine.

[57:57] The what? We've never changed.

[57:59] It's fine.

[58:00] No, that's true. We're doing the same thing.

[58:01] I think I mean, we're less gross in some of the things we say.

[58:04] But is it your question?

[58:05] How do you how do you keep it challenging kind of?

[58:07] Yeah. Sorry. I got me and I was nervous.

[58:09] No, no, it's all right.

[58:11] It happens. It happens.

[58:12] I blame the Internet culture.

[58:14] Also, a very important question.

[58:16] If each of you were an animal, what animal would you be?

[58:20] I mean, Stuart, we know would be a party animal.

[58:28] Stuart did a half hearted flaw.

[58:31] And I know it's been established that I'm a sloth.

[58:33] I think that that's already.

[58:35] Yeah. And I think I'd probably be a pangolin, an elegant armadillo, if you will.

[58:40] I would say I mean, I feel like we've been doing this podcast

[58:43] for different reasons for each of those years.

[58:45] Started out just as a lark.

[58:46] I mean, you guys started it without me.

[58:48] But like when I joined, it was for it was to have fun.

[58:50] And, you know, the babes, obviously.

[58:52] But the I think but at this point, it's like I really enjoy doing it.

[58:57] Plus, we get paid to do it.

[58:58] But also, I don't live in the same part of the country that these guys do anymore.

[59:01] So it's like it's very exciting to me to know that I'm going to talk to them

[59:04] at least once every two weeks because we're going to have to record this show.

[59:07] And so, like, it's really nice that this helps us keep that friendship

[59:10] close together, you know?

[59:12] Oh, yeah. Oh, you know.

[59:17] There's been there's been times in my life

[59:19] where I've been really busy and it's a good release.

[59:21] It also like is a good way to force me to watch movies,

[59:24] because in addition to the movie we have to watch for the episode,

[59:28] I try to watch other movies so I can have something to recommend

[59:31] because I I get kind of stressed out if I don't if I hadn't seen anything recently.

[59:36] And I don't just want to be like, oh, stop making sense or something.

[59:39] I saw this on a plane.

[59:43] I guess it's OK.

[59:44] I have a very bad memory.

[59:46] I just forgot that I recommended it before Stuart, but thanks.

[59:50] No, I I don't know.

[59:52] I started out for fun because it was a good thing.

[59:54] Fun thing to do with friends.

[59:55] And then we had an audience which both gave me.

[1:00:00] feeling of obligation to an audience and also made me want to do it because I

[1:00:06] thought that maybe the love of strangers could fill the hole in my heart which

[1:00:11] and how's that going was a mistake is it working no it doesn't work at all but

[1:00:16] thank you for your question thanks for being here thanks for listening whoo

[1:00:20] the other side that's that's similar to how I realized while you're watching

[1:00:24] this Hellboy movie that I've been reading Hellboy comics for over two

[1:00:27] decades which is nuts there's only one thing I've been doing longer than that

[1:00:31] reading spider-man stories all right Matt last name withheld so I think one

[1:00:39] thing that many of us learned from this movie is the importance of flashbacks in

[1:00:44] in cinema so maybe this is a two-part question number one what is a movie that

[1:00:48] does flashbacks well and number two maybe if possible what would a crawd

[1:00:54] daddy flashback oh wow oh wow okay you guys I'll answer that last one you guys

[1:01:01] answer the first part of the question oh cool thanks yeah I mean memento is

[1:01:05] kind of all flashbacks so maybe that counts I don't know it does flashbacks

[1:01:08] well I mean there's certainly some flashbacks in the Lord of the Rings so

[1:01:14] those are clearly done perfectly I mean I guess Citizen Kane is sort of a bunch

[1:01:23] of interlocking flashbacks isn't it yes that's exactly what it is that's a good

[1:01:27] movie some people might say it's the best movie it's been said before and you

[1:01:34] know crawdaddy here's the I'll just lay out the crawdaddy scenario for you

[1:01:37] crawdaddy is taking out his son's soccer team for pizza after the game like a

[1:01:43] good dad like a good peewee soccer coach and he's like oh well boys it's all this

[1:01:50] pepperoni pizza reminds me of the time my own grandpappy opened that alligator

[1:01:58] sausage factory and it would be a very touching scene of his of his grandpappy

[1:02:04] going out to get new alligators for the sausage and tragically losing his life

[1:02:08] to big mama gator the biggest gator in the swamp and crawdaddy it comes back to

[1:02:14] crawdaddy is like I always promised grandpappy on his deathbed that I'd catch big mama gator

[1:02:21] but you know the job market took me elsewhere you boys want any more za again

[1:02:31] again impenetrable to people who have not heard the podcast I think I think

[1:02:38] they should pick up the again reveal have not heard the general premise

[1:02:41] crawdaddy grew up in the Louisiana Bayou and now he's currently providing a

[1:02:46] flashback yeah and he now he lives in the Connecticut suburbs growing up in a

[1:02:53] shack in a bayou a boy always had to watch yourself and learn how to play

[1:02:58] fiddle real good but now I gotta take advantage of this property tax deduction

[1:03:05] good stuff good evening peaches Jaffer last name withheld if I may I'd like to

[1:03:14] thank Stuart for coming out to the game company withheld game center yesterday

[1:03:18] and playing some games with us we had a really great time thank you Stuart the

[1:03:24] listeners can't see you waving away the praise you gotta say something although

[1:03:28] I received a phone call from Josh our booking agent and I was like yeah I'll

[1:03:34] talk to you after this I'm in a game store playing some games he's like

[1:03:37] Stuart's just in a strange town playing getting playing a game check out but I

[1:03:43] do have a real question which is if you were to create a Mamma Mia style jukebox

[1:03:49] musical around one artist or band what artist or band would that be and what

[1:03:54] would be your first act swelling I wish song I mean I think mine would probably

[1:04:02] be Judas Priest because Judas Priest has three or four types of songs they

[1:04:07] have pump-up power anthems they have I got hurt by this relationship songs they

[1:04:12] got songs about monsters that kill people and then miscellaneous and I

[1:04:18] guess I guess uh yeah you got another thing coming would be the first act

[1:04:22] because you know people are waiting for it to you know get out early and then

[1:04:26] you can get to like take these chains later on when the relationship falls

[1:04:29] apart well as Stuart mentioned earlier I have recommended stop making sense at

[1:04:35] least four times on the podcast so of course my artist would be Carly Rae

[1:04:40] Jepsen and the song would be I really really really really really like you and

[1:04:48] it would be about I don't know a job being in New York for a magazine as it's

[1:04:57] in every romantic comedy according to romantic comedies the magazine market is

[1:05:02] booming yeah it's amazing and obviously I would do a jukebox musical based on

[1:05:09] the works of Def Leppard and in our opening pump-up sequence Joe Elliott be

[1:05:13] working at a baking school and he'd be talking to a sentient cake of some kind

[1:05:19] and the cake would of course be demanding that some sugar be poured on

[1:05:23] thank you very much thank you for the question on that side now hi it's me

[1:05:32] Abby last name with health since this podcast doesn't have a rule against

[1:05:38] bummers I do want to ask kind of a bummer question let me check the rule

[1:05:44] book it's a new rule that we're gonna have from the future on this is how laws

[1:05:48] get made yeah you're right nothing in the rule book about bummers I know I

[1:05:53] can't watch big fish because I have a dead dad and it would bum me out too

[1:05:57] much and there are other movies that I have watched and I'm like well I'm not

[1:06:00] gonna watch that movie again cuz you know it's too too real are there any

[1:06:05] movies that either make you sad every single time you watch them or you're

[1:06:09] never gonna watch again cuz they're too sad hmm I mean there must be there

[1:06:15] definitely movies I've seen or I'm like I'm glad I saw that but I don't feel the

[1:06:18] need to ever see it again trying to think of any specific ones though I mean

[1:06:22] there's some movies that make me sad like the Iron Giant that I watch over

[1:06:26] and over again but that's yeah I don't I mean it's tough cuz like I don't have

[1:06:33] that kind of like oh this was a personal experience that I had cuz you kind of a

[1:06:37] sociopath yeah you're a mask I don't have nothing what I don't I mean I'm I

[1:06:44] see your human emotions and I copy them as best I can yeah but no I just I've

[1:06:50] had a very like look I I've been divorced but like other than that like

[1:06:56] I've had a very like charmed life I feel like I had a very you'd almost say it's

[1:07:00] a semi charm kind of like yeah I mean not legally but I'll just skip the end I

[1:07:11] don't have like a personal thing that like I have that problem with there are

[1:07:15] movies that I cry all the time at but they're like movies that I love like I

[1:07:19] cry at the end of Raising Arizona but those are like happy tears every time

[1:07:22] like every single fucking time I see that movie I listen to that last monologue

[1:07:28] that high has I cry but it's but it's not a personal thing or anything yeah I

[1:07:33] mean I think the movies that I've seen that I never will watch it are usually

[1:07:37] things that are that due to filmmaking techniques end up giving me motion

[1:07:42] sickness so like I'll watch it once I'll be like I can't do this again like I'm

[1:07:47] sorry Requiem for a Dream maybe multiple viewings will make me get the deeper

[1:07:52] meaning but yeah yeah it's similar to what humans call emotion yeah I mean

[1:07:59] there's there's definitely like since becoming a dad there's definitely movies

[1:08:02] that like I think I would have been able to shrug things off in them that I can't

[1:08:05] shrug off now and like I don't know if there are any Jewish people in the

[1:08:08] audience but part of my Jewish education was being force-fed Holocaust movies at

[1:08:12] a very high rate so there's a lot of like that people being like we want you

[1:08:17] to understand your connection with this and I'm like I understand I don't ever

[1:08:20] need to I don't ever want to see this again I I there was definitely a period

[1:08:25] of my life when I went through extreme depression but the way that that

[1:08:28] manifests itself one of the what not the only way one of the ways starting a

[1:08:31] podcast and then I got abused by my two best friends no no I the one of the

[1:08:47] ways that depression manifests itself was actually like not being interested

[1:08:51] in movies at all anymore a thing that I enjoyed very much which started my

[1:08:55] current trend of what I do to entertain myself which is to listen to podcasts

[1:09:01] through my earbuds while having a movie on mute on the television and scrolling

[1:09:08] through Facebook which is someday there's gonna be a picture of you doing

[1:09:16] that in a museum and it's gonna say 21st century man and then the next

[1:09:22] caption will say 22nd century man none I hope that was something we have we

[1:09:28] there's a lot of bummers over there but thank you okay next question over here

[1:09:31] not good question I like the questions that make us think and make us feel so

[1:09:37] I like this Chuck Jones shirt that this gentleman has oh thank you I'm also a

[1:09:41] fellow Earlham College Theatre alum I know Wilkinson Theatre yeah my name is

[1:09:49] the audience is pandering to the host they don't care so my name is Nick last

[1:09:55] name with helm so it seems like critics and people have really turned

[1:10:00] against the new Lion King movie, citing the dead eyes and just the creepiness of seeing

[1:10:06] these photorealistic lions. So my question for you is, what movie, what non-animal movie

[1:10:11] would benefit from being remade with photorealistic CGI lions?

[1:10:21] Kind of hard to narrow it down.

[1:10:22] I'm thinking, I'm thinking maybe...

[1:10:24] Like Kramer versus Kramer, I guess?

[1:10:27] I'm thinking maybe Beauty and the Beast, except the beast is man.

[1:10:35] I don't know. That story already has several problematic elements. I think that, that does

[1:10:41] feel like, it does feel like the thing that would have you at the end of a video you watch

[1:10:45] in school about the environment. And the true beast was man. Bum, bum, bum.

[1:10:51] I would say, I would say Cruel Intentions.

[1:10:53] I can see it. Yeah, I see it.

[1:11:00] What do you say, like a manual?

[1:11:05] What if it's Koyaanisqazi, and the lions are just those fast motion people that you occasionally

[1:11:10] see.

[1:11:11] Just fast motion lions? Are they in cities still, or are they just running through the

[1:11:15] jungle?

[1:11:16] Yeah, still in cities. Still in cities, walking around doing lion business.

[1:11:19] I will say this. I recently, because of something that was said on Twitter by a famous not going

[1:11:25] to be president candidate for president, I flipped my opinion on those Disney movies.

[1:11:29] I, like everyone else, was like, I miss the emotion of the characters in the old ones.

[1:11:33] I miss the color. I miss the vibrancy of it. And then I realized all of Disney's movies

[1:11:39] for the most part are remakes of other things. So I said, you know what? Why not, everybody?

[1:11:44] We're going to do 10 more of these in the next 30 years. Let's just go for it, you know?

[1:11:50] I like the argument that they're just doing it for money. It's like, uh, no kidding.

[1:11:55] Why do you think they made the first one, dudes?

[1:11:59] So yeah, I think that the lion movies. Good job. All right. If I was a real dick, I'd

[1:12:02] be like, born free.

[1:12:04] Roar.

[1:12:05] What?

[1:12:06] Roar.

[1:12:07] Roar.

[1:12:08] If you haven't seen Roar, it is the most buck wild movie. Go ahead and watch Roar.

[1:12:15] This gentleman who's already wearing one of our shirts.

[1:12:18] Ben, first time writer, long time listener, last time withheld. This podcast talks a lot

[1:12:27] about movies that have terribly badly designed monsters or other villains. If you were going

[1:12:34] to design a movie monster, how would you do it?

[1:12:39] I mean, it's hard for me to, when the perfect movie monster design exists, it's the Xenomorph,

[1:12:45] everybody. It's hard for me to compete. But when I was a kid, I'll tell you, whenever

[1:12:48] I was making a monster, I'd be like, I'm going to throw everything onto this. So every monster

[1:12:54] had like wings, multiple arms, claws, multiple heads, horns, could breathe fire, shoot lightning

[1:13:00] bolts, sometimes multiple tails. I went through a Ghidra phase. He's got two tails. So I don't

[1:13:06] know what I would do now, but at the time when I was a kid, it would be like ultra monster.

[1:13:10] And then now I'm like, how would that monster move? I can't believe you didn't say Godzilla.

[1:13:17] What the best monster design? Yeah. He's shaped kind of like my cat Muscles, who as we've

[1:13:24] established is the greatest kitty. He's kind of like a triangle, but with stegosaurus spikes.

[1:13:30] That's amazing. I think that's what the best monster is. A triangle. Yeah. The most stable

[1:13:39] monster is a triangle. You know what? Like, I am very irrationally frightened of spiders.

[1:13:48] Irrationally, because like from a lot of other people, but you don't hear that a lot. I'm

[1:13:54] just saying like, it's like, I know it's not uncommon. It's just like, it is true of me.

[1:14:00] And particularly living in North America, like the worst I'm going to get is a black widow bite.

[1:14:05] And unless I'm a baby or an elderly person, I probably won't die of that. Yeah. I mean,

[1:14:11] you missed your shot as a baby, but that still happens. No fingers crossed. But

[1:14:17] what I find like in a weird way, what I find even creepier than spiders.

[1:14:22] So why did you bring up spiders? No, it's all, it's all related, my friend. Okay. It's all related.

[1:14:30] Let him weave his tapestry like arachne herself.

[1:14:34] Not, not a spider, but I believe also in arachnid. I believe.

[1:14:42] Again, he's attached these ideas with the thinnest of thread, like a spider would.

[1:14:46] The daddy long legs freaks me the fuck out because it is a little ball with the longest

[1:14:53] spindliest legs that should not be able to like do anything. And it's the weirdest goddamn thing.

[1:15:01] So if there was a giant fucking daddy long legs, I would kill myself. And I think the

[1:15:06] daddy part is the scariest part. That's the sexy part. I will say I did once I was having,

[1:15:15] I was on my way to dreamland a couple of weeks ago. I was lying down and I was like,

[1:15:21] whoa, whoa, let's back up. So you're saying you were going to sleep? Yeah, I was going to sleep.

[1:15:29] Dan, I like to vibrant up my language. Okay.

[1:15:33] Sorry, I'll talk more like the writer John McPhee in the most boring terms possible.

[1:15:38] Sonya was lying down on top of what I assume was a layer of igneous rock

[1:15:42] beneath my house. And I was like, I don't know why this thought into my house. Like,

[1:15:46] have they ever done a vampire movie where the vampire turns into a big human sized bat

[1:15:50] and it has to scramble around on its arms on the claws of its wings like a real bat walks around?

[1:15:55] Yeah, because that'd be super creepy. Yeah. And there's like a person running away and it's just

[1:15:59] like scrambling after them with its wings. There was a miniature designed by Games Workshop called

[1:16:04] a Vargolf that was basically that. Okay. Stealing an applause break for that somehow.

[1:16:14] Thank you. Okay, over here. Hello, my name is Andy. Last name withheld. No relation. And

[1:16:22] I have been waiting to use that joke for months now. It landed very well. It did a great.

[1:16:28] So for me, the most exciting movie of 2019 and probably the most exciting movie in this decade

[1:16:34] was a Detective Pikachu. Sure. Sure. Finally, the character in the genre that were meant to go

[1:16:40] together. Yeah, of course. Look, unless they make like a Metroid version of Dirty Harry, I'm not.

[1:16:50] So the big thing for me with Detective Pikachu that really made it stand out was its world

[1:16:57] building and its ability to create a world and a city that. Where Pikachu could be a detective.

[1:17:07] Where Pikachu could be a detective. There's nothing in the rule book that says a Pikachu

[1:17:10] can't be a detective. And I could be a friend of a Feraligatr, which is a Pokemon. It's a big gator.

[1:17:17] Okay. One might call it feral. I'm sure my son will tell me about it at some point.

[1:17:22] He's going through a big Pokemon phase, but it really created a world that felt like it existed

[1:17:29] outside of the movie. And so I suppose my question is like, what are what are the

[1:17:36] movies that have kind of created a world to you that that has like kind of existed in your mind

[1:17:43] outside of like the story it was trying to tell? Well, the first place you start with world

[1:17:49] building is the food. What does Pokemon eat? I'm just going to interrupt. Lemon cakes.

[1:18:04] What kind of size fowl would they eat? Capons, perhaps. I mean, I could I mean,

[1:18:10] kind of that for me, it's a lot of the obvious ones like your Star Wars and whatnot,

[1:18:15] like where I was like, oh, I can live in this world and I can explore it and things like that.

[1:18:18] But also like the Dark Crystal when I was a kid, I was in certain parts of that movie where I'm like,

[1:18:22] I kind of want to leave the story so I can just go see what other creatures live in this place

[1:18:27] because I know they're out there. And I assume there's some book of designs of stuff that didn't

[1:18:30] end up in that movie. But I used to just like dream about that movie a lot and like walking

[1:18:35] around in it. Yeah, I mean, I think that's one of the joys of like those heavy, like physical,

[1:18:41] practical monster costume movies is that it gives you that like lived in feeling that makes you

[1:18:45] want to just walk around and explore. To answer that, Lord of the Rings.

[1:18:53] I'm going to go in like a non like fantasy, like another like aspect of you're like you're like

[1:18:59] my dinner with Andre. I want to go. I want to know what's happening.

[1:19:04] When I saw the movie The Post and it created this whole world of presidents and war and

[1:19:09] foreign nations. And I just want to walk around like if only I could go to Vietnam and see what

[1:19:14] it's like there. But such if only I had a magic movie ticket, I'll last action hero.

[1:19:20] No, I was going to say, like, obviously, they're the very like clear world building

[1:19:25] movies like your Star Wars or Lord of the Rings or whatever, but less action here.

[1:19:31] But also, they're like another aspect of that is characters that are so immediately well drawn

[1:19:39] that you feel like, OK, they have like a life outside of the frame.

[1:19:43] And like I know that I mentioned Raising Arizona earlier, but I feel like

[1:19:47] Coen Brothers movies like all they have all these like very like in some ways broad,

[1:19:52] but like so well defined, quickly minor characters where it feels like,

[1:19:57] oh, OK, we could follow this person and see.

[1:20:00] what's going on with them, and that would be also an equally entertaining movie.

[1:20:04] Oh yeah, kind of like Hell or High Water from a few years ago, where it felt like every

[1:20:08] single side character had a full life outside of it.

[1:20:12] Yeah.

[1:20:13] So that's what I'll say.

[1:20:14] Hell or High Water.

[1:20:15] Okay.

[1:20:16] Texas.

[1:20:17] What a world.

[1:20:18] Don't mess with it, says people.

[1:20:20] Okay.

[1:20:21] Over here.

[1:20:22] Hi, Margaret.

[1:20:23] Last name withheld.

[1:20:24] So I was listening to Jordan Jesse go this week, and Jordan came up with basically a

[1:20:28] perfect flophouse question, so I'm going to just channel him.

[1:20:31] He was talking about who would be the female Nicolas Cage, and his proposal was Hellboy

[1:20:38] star Mila Jovovich, which he did pronounce that way.

[1:20:42] And so I...

[1:20:43] Just like Jordan.

[1:20:44] Thank you.

[1:20:45] You saw my eye twitch.

[1:20:47] I love Jordan, but I do not agree.

[1:20:49] I don't think Mila Jovovich has the chops, so I became very curious about what you guys

[1:20:53] would think.

[1:20:56] What would the female Nicolas Cage...

[1:20:59] This is...

[1:21:00] I mean, obviously...

[1:21:01] I mean, the question is, yeah.

[1:21:02] By Nicolas Cage...

[1:21:03] What do you say, Stuart?

[1:21:04] Because I have some...

[1:21:05] I'd like you to find our terms here.

[1:21:07] Clearly, we want to pick an actor who can go kind of broad, but also have little nuances.

[1:21:14] I think the only choice is Meryl.

[1:21:17] Stuart.

[1:21:18] Stuart.

[1:21:19] Stuart.

[1:21:20] Meryl Streep.

[1:21:21] Stuart.

[1:21:22] Stuart.

[1:21:23] Stuart.

[1:21:24] Stuart.

[1:21:26] I mean, the one that jumps to mind for me, but I wonder if she is eccentric enough.

[1:21:32] It's like Melissa Leo, you know?

[1:21:35] Where it's like, oh, she can do crazy, but also very well-defined characters and things

[1:21:40] like that.

[1:21:41] But you're asking who's a crazy person in movies.

[1:21:43] You're asking who's a person where half the time you're like, what are you doing?

[1:21:47] What's going on here?

[1:21:48] Yeah.

[1:21:49] To that end, Carole Kane.

[1:21:50] Oh, okay.

[1:21:51] Yeah.

[1:21:52] I can see that.

[1:21:53] Because you see a movie like Hester Street, and you're like, this is an incredibly richly

[1:21:58] drawn character.

[1:21:59] And then you see what, like Adam's Family Values or something?

[1:22:01] I don't know.

[1:22:02] Yeah.

[1:22:03] She's in that.

[1:22:04] And a National Treasure.

[1:22:05] Book of Secrets.

[1:22:06] I mean, this is not quite the same, but like, okay, time for me to talk about old movies.

[1:22:14] There's an actress from 80 years ago named Zazu Pitts, and she was most known for these

[1:22:22] kind of short comedies that she did.

[1:22:23] But she's also in the movie Greed, and she is like, amazing in it.

[1:22:27] And in this movie that is a strange and crazy movie, and her performance is very extreme

[1:22:31] and strange.

[1:22:32] But it's like this really gut-wrenching performance.

[1:22:35] But in most of her movies, she's the character who's like Amelia Bedelia, basically.

[1:22:39] So, you know, okay, just wash the baby, I guess, and puts the baby in a dishwasher or

[1:22:44] something like that.

[1:22:45] You know?

[1:22:46] We've gone as long as we probably should, but should we lightning round it?

[1:22:49] Yeah, let's lightning round it.

[1:22:51] Yeah.

[1:22:52] Let's be a lot faster.

[1:22:53] So my name is Doug, last name withheld.

[1:22:55] My son and I have always gone to a lot of movies since he became a teenager.

[1:22:59] We've started enjoying seeing a lot of bad movies in theaters, so Rock Dogs and Hell

[1:23:03] Boys and whatnot.

[1:23:05] A few weeks ago, a few months ago, he called me and said, Dad, should I see the movies

[1:23:09] of Neil Breen?

[1:23:12] So my question-

[1:23:13] Every parent hates to get that phone call.

[1:23:17] Well, the question is, am I a good dad?

[1:23:22] This is a very tough question.

[1:23:25] I wish we didn't have to do it in a lightning round.

[1:23:27] I'm going to say yes, like that in A Steal from the Simpsons, short answer, yes, with

[1:23:31] a but, long answer, no, with an and.

[1:23:35] I don't know, but you can do better than that.

[1:23:41] Hi, Mike, last name withheld.

[1:23:44] We're on our second adaptation of Hellboy.

[1:23:46] We're on our third, second Spider-Man movie right now.

[1:23:49] We're doing a lot of adaptations that's been part of cinema.

[1:23:52] What do you feel makes a good adaptation, whether it's a book, theater, video game,

[1:23:59] what have you, two movies?

[1:24:04] This is not funny per se, but I think that the person-

[1:24:07] Why start now, Dan?

[1:24:08] No.

[1:24:09] Boom, he sets it up, I knock it out of the park.

[1:24:12] I make my living with comedy, sir, and I'm baffled by it daily.

[1:24:18] No, what was I going to say?

[1:24:22] Something that wasn't funny.

[1:24:24] He said it himself.

[1:24:27] I think that it is one of the driving creative forces, either the screenwriter or the director,

[1:24:33] finding what they personally find interesting in the character or the story and emphasizing

[1:24:42] that to the utmost, whether or not it is faithful to the entire story or character, but pulling

[1:24:51] out something that is essential and making that the center of the adaptation.

[1:24:55] That's what I was going to say.

[1:24:56] If you find the defining spirit of why it works as the thing it is, and then you figure

[1:25:00] out how do you do that in this new medium, and you don't worry about ... There's a reason

[1:25:05] that the credit sequence for Watchmen works really well, and the rest of Watchmen does

[1:25:10] not work quite as well.

[1:25:12] The credit sequence, it's like, oh, well, they kind of captured the spirit of what they're

[1:25:15] going for, and then the rest of the movie, you're like, wait, but we're going to watch

[1:25:17] the whole movie now?

[1:25:18] You're like, they did it, hallelujah.

[1:25:24] I would say the adaptation that comes to mind is the third Harry Potter movie, where

[1:25:32] it is maybe not as true to the books as the first two, but it is so much more interesting

[1:25:37] and watchable.

[1:25:39] Let's keep lightning rounding it.

[1:25:43] We're not holding it up on our end, but you know.

[1:25:45] Okay.

[1:25:46] Fair enough.

[1:25:47] My name is Nick, last name with held, and for the podcast, I'm not tricking.

[1:25:50] There was already another Nick.

[1:25:53] In this movie, forgive me, very nervous, Hellboy is asking Ian McShane, he was sent there to

[1:26:01] Nazi Germany to kill him.

[1:26:03] Why did you save me?

[1:26:04] Why didn't you kill me?

[1:26:05] You had a job to do.

[1:26:06] Why didn't you kill me?

[1:26:07] I feel like Ian McShane never really answered that question.

[1:26:09] No, I don't think he does.

[1:26:10] No.

[1:26:11] He just sort of deflected by saying, why are you whining?

[1:26:15] I didn't ask to be a father.

[1:26:16] I did the best I could, but why do you guys think he saved him?

[1:26:22] I'm going to say because he was a cute baby with a stone arm.

[1:26:25] Was he though?

[1:26:26] It's hard to shoot a little baby.

[1:26:27] Yeah, I think so.

[1:26:29] People always say like, well, could you kill Hitler as a baby?

[1:26:32] Because it's killing a baby.

[1:26:33] And it's like, I mean, probably, yeah.

[1:26:36] As long as I knew it was the right baby.

[1:26:39] But the reason that question exists is because it's hard to kill a baby.

[1:26:43] I mean, you're probably able to.

[1:26:44] You're not the strongest guy, but I mean, you're smart.

[1:26:47] I mean, if we're talking physically, it is a question.

[1:26:50] The baby might get the better of me.

[1:26:54] As someone who daily has to grapple with a baby just to get its diaper back on, but I

[1:27:00] think that's it.

[1:27:01] Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

[1:27:02] I just keep taking it off.

[1:27:03] But I think that's it.

[1:27:07] It's hard to kill a baby.

[1:27:08] Fair enough.

[1:27:09] All right.

[1:27:10] We will hit this quickly.

[1:27:12] Elliot, you've touched on this before with John Oliver and the Love Guru and how you've

[1:27:16] been paid to go out to dinner with him because of the Royal Project.

[1:27:20] He paid for that dinner.

[1:27:21] And so I'm now complicit in the movie that gave him the money to pay for it.

[1:27:25] So you touched on this earlier.

[1:27:27] One of my friends actually helped design the trolls in that fighting scene.

[1:27:33] He refuses to watch the movie because...

[1:27:35] Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[1:27:38] Do you have any friends or experiences where you've worked on a movie and it's terrible

[1:27:42] and you refuse to be a part of it?

[1:27:45] Go for it.

[1:27:46] I have been lucky that I have yet to work on a project of any kind where I'm ashamed

[1:27:51] of it or I think it was really bad.

[1:27:52] But there are two sides of me.

[1:27:54] There's the side of me that's a viewer that's like, check out this shit.

[1:27:57] How could they make this?

[1:27:58] They should all kill themselves.

[1:28:01] And there's the side of me that's a professional that's like, work is work.

[1:28:05] You got to work.

[1:28:06] You need money to live your life.

[1:28:07] You need money to support your family.

[1:28:09] Any work is good work as long as you're not hurting anybody with it.

[1:28:12] As long as the thing you're not working on is not morally repugnant.

[1:28:14] So like, I can't look down on anyone who worked on the movie because work is work.

[1:28:17] You've got to work and it's hard to find work in a creative business.

[1:28:20] It's a very like elder British actor mentality.

[1:28:24] All the time they're like, yeah, you want me to be a wind elemental?

[1:28:27] Fuck it.

[1:28:28] I, uh, yeah, I, I, I'm not Hollywood Kaelin.

[1:28:36] I have only worked on the one television show, which I've been happy with through.

[1:28:41] What?

[1:28:43] You don't sound too happy.

[1:28:46] I never do.

[1:28:47] Um, but, uh, my friend, Matt, who also works in the daily show, uh, every semester we've

[1:28:54] got, um, interns who come in and do great work for us.

[1:28:58] Uh, I think they're paid now.

[1:29:00] They weren't for a while, but, uh, part of what helps them out is we, each of the departments

[1:29:06] gives them advice at the end of the semester and, um, Matt makes a point of, he takes great

[1:29:12] joy, I think in saying like, Oh, one of my previous jobs was blogger for Tosh 0.

[1:29:20] So we all do stuff.

[1:29:21] We're not proud of.

[1:29:22] Yeah.

[1:29:23] It's like you, the, if a friend of mine was like, should I take this job?

[1:29:27] It's on a movie that really it's, I know it's going to be bad.

[1:29:29] I'll be like, do you need the job?

[1:29:31] Go for it.

[1:29:32] You know, there's nothing wrong with that.

[1:29:33] Yeah.

[1:29:34] You don't have to watch it.

[1:29:35] There's no rule that says you have to.

[1:29:36] I checked the rule book.

[1:29:37] Hello.

[1:29:38] Uh, Nick, last name withheld, uh, first time, long time, uh, yeah, a lot of Nick's Nick

[1:29:45] heavy city, probably for Elliot more than anybody.

[1:29:48] Um, I know there was Spider-Man turn off the dark and we watched a comic book movies for

[1:29:52] her tonight.

[1:29:53] Um, any comic book characters that you think should have a musical adapted from them.

[1:30:00] probably booster gold I mean a booster gold musical could work I know that a

[1:30:06] madman creator Mike Allred is a real rock-and-roll guy I'd love to see him

[1:30:10] I'm like a madman musical yeah but I don't know otherwise it's like the

[1:30:15] musical it's weird comic books are about a lot of them not all I'm super

[1:30:18] complex about characters with like big big tights and colorful things and like

[1:30:23] it should translate well to the big world of the musical but the most

[1:30:27] successful musical based on a comic is fun home and so like I don't know maybe

[1:30:31] comics don't work that well as musicals unless they're about a real thing that

[1:30:35] you can actually sing about I think it should be about everyone's favorite

[1:30:39] character speedball the masked Marvel speedball is a good character that is a

[1:30:46] controversial idea I thought we'll talk about it later I thought you're gonna

[1:30:50] say a funky winker bean hey this is Nathan laughs name withheld and I think

[1:30:56] I'm burdened with asking the question that we're all thinking just a practical

[1:31:01] question about the movie at the beginning why didn't King Arthur just

[1:31:07] burn Mia Jovovich this came out while we were watching it I think yeah well we're

[1:31:13] watching it it was like why don't you just burn those parts and what do you

[1:31:17] think guys I don't know how witches work I don't know what's going through King

[1:31:19] Arthur's head didn't didn't have any matches I mean like a wizard I bought a

[1:31:26] smoker recently and I didn't have any matches so something here's something

[1:31:32] that happens a lot on Twitter and they go what a plot hole they should have

[1:31:35] just done this and it would have taken out of the problem and it's like if you

[1:31:38] study history as I have as an amateur you see so many times in history we were

[1:31:42] like why don't you just do this thing and it would have solved that problem it

[1:31:45] turns out people are dumb and they're kind of short-sighted and they they

[1:31:49] don't always think of the right thing in the moment you know yeah like like a

[1:31:53] home invasion movie where people are like plot hole why didn't them the

[1:31:57] attackers just blow up the house it's like there wouldn't be a home to invade

[1:32:02] I guess we saw a French Canadian zombie movie a while back in theaters at a film

[1:32:17] festival and at the end of the movie post credits after everyone else had

[1:32:20] left the theater there's very inexplicably a parrot and since then

[1:32:24] we've always referred to surprise endings at the end of movies as parrots

[1:32:28] I was wondering if you have any language that you picked up from movies

[1:32:34] for that are unrelated to the movie itself but you've carried the

[1:32:37] terminology into other like if there's a moment that's stuck with you from a

[1:32:41] movie that you've incorporated as like an in-joke and conversation later yeah

[1:32:47] yeah I feel like that's the majority of the discourse of this podcast I mean

[1:32:51] Stewart Stewart coined the phrase evidence dungeon which is which is a

[1:32:55] very useful on TV tropes now I guess another one of my favorites was from

[1:33:01] the movie Jonah hex where they introduce a character very briefly in a wrestling

[1:33:07] ring called the snake man and so snake man is just an all-purpose any character

[1:33:12] who gets almost nothing doing the movie but it's far more interesting than the

[1:33:15] movie yeah I think I think I might start using tallest building in Pittsburgh as

[1:33:20] a way to describe promises a movie makes that does not fulfill there's all

[1:33:25] I will say sorry cut you off Dan that uh I would just want to mention my favorite

[1:33:29] parrot ending in a movie which is Citizen Kane when a cockatoo just

[1:33:32] screams at the audience and Peter Bogdanovich asked Orson Welles why'd you

[1:33:36] do that and Orson Welles said late in the movie wake the people up movies

[1:33:39] almost over and and he has a transparent eyeball yeah well because it was a

[1:33:45] visual effect they were optical processing and you can see there's also

[1:33:49] a movie there where at some one point you can see in the background animated

[1:33:52] pterodactyl birds yeah because they were reusing animation yeah Citizen Kane

[1:33:58] trivia anyway slightly pointed but generally to all of you I believe Dan

[1:34:05] you recently called yourself the averagest bodybuilder so when we had we

[1:34:14] had like a slight Twitter invitation through Stuart to come and work out and

[1:34:20] so I was wondering if any of the three of you were actually available to come

[1:34:26] work out tomorrow morning to work out yeah with my gym which is where the

[1:34:32] invitation to start again was so which gym is that Los Campeones

[1:34:39] okay anybody know it anybody that's a little bit of pressure a little bit

[1:34:47] more peer pressure anybody know it

[1:34:52] anybody know of it now my marketing for the gym now I would just generally peer

[1:35:04] pressuring that's how I live my life I would take you up on that offer but the

[1:35:08] year where I decided I would say yes to everything ended yesterday oh I'm so

[1:35:13] sorry if you would ask me yesterday I would have to say yes guys it's not the

[1:35:22] place for me to make any kinds of commitment wait at the merch can I wait

[1:35:27] at merch yeah we'll make up reasons why we can't do it at merch quick quick

[1:35:33] quick quick everyone okay we got two more questions let's go through real

[1:35:36] fast which means I'm gonna talk for a while let's go all right Chris last name

[1:35:40] with help so what would best serve a hellboy movie like in terms of story

[1:35:45] equity a mix-match of stuff like say like wake the devil chain cough and

[1:35:49] humbling in Mexico or just be like one story arc I think one of the big flaws

[1:35:54] with this movies they tried to cram in all these different story arcs so like

[1:35:57] you just pick one story arc or an original story but like we were saying

[1:36:00] you just got to capture that what's the spirit that makes the book exciting and

[1:36:03] then what makes the book exciting is not like you know Motley Crue songs

[1:36:07] blaring while you're reading this comic book or something I mean unless I don't

[1:36:10] know maybe you love the crew but the comics have always struck me as these

[1:36:14] kind of like tragic gothic horror stories where hellboy is just in a way

[1:36:19] almost like a spectator as he is an active participant so like the idea of

[1:36:23] jamming in a whole bunch of stories and throwing a crazy soundtrack doesn't make

[1:36:26] any sense to me I mean hellboy is in a lot of ways a passive character which

[1:36:30] doesn't make for movies in some ways like he often enters the situation and

[1:36:34] like sort says he witnesses things going on and then he has a fistfight with a

[1:36:37] monster and then that's the end of the story and it kind of reaches its

[1:36:41] apotheosis in the hellboy in hell series where he is a lot of it is just him

[1:36:45] hearing stories of that people in hell are telling and then at the end he

[1:36:47] defeats Satan kind of on the last page so yeah I don't know it's the spirit

[1:36:53] they got to capture the spirit you know not the movie the spirit that which

[1:36:56] itself failed to capture the spirit of the spirit one last question hey so I'm

[1:37:05] new to the flophouse but I love mst3k thank you and for Elliot I just want to

[1:37:12] ask how has consistently watching terrible movies affected your health are

[1:37:18] you okay I mean not great I'll tell you that Elliot's only 20 years old I would

[1:37:27] say the effective estate maybe it's like I don't know well there's there's a

[1:37:32] thing that happens when you watch too many bad movies which is you kind of

[1:37:35] forget what a good movie is like and you start to yearn for the pain of a bad

[1:37:38] movie and think that's what pleasure is and you have to like really detox by

[1:37:43] watching like good movies and so I would find myself like having to watch a

[1:37:48] flophouse movie at the end of a day of like watching Atlantic Rim 10 minutes at

[1:37:52] a time over every 10 minutes over and over again to write jokes for it and

[1:37:56] then I'd come home and I'd be like I don't have time to watch something that

[1:37:58] I'm gonna enjoy and then that weekend I'd be like I got to watch one of the

[1:38:03] 30 movies I recorded off Turner Classic movies and then I watch it and it's like

[1:38:07] you feel a shock for a moment because you're waiting for the parts that you're

[1:38:10] gonna laugh at because it's so bad and then you have to like realize a certain

[1:38:14] point like no no I have to I'm gonna enjoy I have to enjoy this on a sincere

[1:38:16] level and that's when you know you've gone too far but I would say my physical

[1:38:20] health is affected far more by having two children than it is by watching the

[1:38:23] bad movies oh and as the son of Doug last name I'm sorry I'm new I forgot

[1:38:31] what the thing is right it's it's a dumb thing anyway I forgot to miss a my name

[1:38:37] too I'm Wiley as the son of Doug your name is a Wiley son of Doug Wiley Doug

[1:38:46] son Wiley son of dog we know tales origins foretold he misrepresented me

[1:38:53] slightly it was not should I watch the movies of Neil Breen it was I love Neil

[1:38:59] Breen please buy me all of his I can't support buying his movies I mean the

[1:39:05] horrible horrible man but he's a bad man but his movies are a certain kind of

[1:39:09] wonderful some kind of wonderful you know yeah I guess here's here's if my

[1:39:15] son said to me he called me from I don't know college or something and he's like

[1:39:18] dad should I watch that why is Sammy in college because he isn't like Doogie

[1:39:23] Houser he's a six-year-old he loves cut he's good for college this is in the

[1:39:27] future when he's six if he's if he called me and he said daddy should I

[1:39:31] watch the Neil Breen movies I would say not until I get there and I would get in

[1:39:35] my car and I drive there right away okay well that's kind of an adorable note

[1:39:39] and John we have gone way too long because we are soft-hearted and want to

[1:39:44] talk to all of you and we can talk to all of you a little bit more and we're

[1:39:48] gonna have a merch table out there we promise that we will be there at the

[1:39:51] merch table as soon as we can clean up and like pee and whatever as he waves

[1:39:56] that the one laptop on the front of the stage

[1:40:00] No, I got to get the digital recorder from the sound guy.

[1:40:03] So there's a couple of things.

[1:40:04] We're going to be at the merch table,

[1:40:06] and then probably afterwards, some percentage of the Flophouse

[1:40:10] will be at the bar next door, from 33% to 100%,

[1:40:15] depending on how tired people are.

[1:40:17] And who knows?

[1:40:18] We may get scared into working out tomorrow.

[1:40:21] Yeah.

[1:40:23] So some of us might be there.

[1:40:25] It's the one that's not a Mexican restaurant.

[1:40:27] Otherwise, thank you so much.

[1:40:29] The one that's not going to be there

[1:40:31] is the one that's not a Mexican restaurant?

[1:40:32] Yeah.

[1:40:33] Which one of us is a Mexican restaurant?

[1:40:37] We'll figure that out backstage.

[1:40:39] Thank you so much.

[1:40:41] Minneapolis, that's the name of the city we're in.

[1:40:46] Thank you for coming.

[1:40:47] Thank you for listening.

[1:40:48] Thank you to the Parkway for having us.

[1:40:49] Everyone here has been great.

[1:40:51] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:40:52] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:40:54] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:40:55] Good night, everyone.

[1:40:56] Good night.

Ep. #324 - Hellboy LIVE

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