FH Mini #149 - Fantasy Land March Madness

[0:00] Hello, listeners, welcome to the Flophouse Mini, that's the mini voice saying mini.

[0:10] This is a smaller episode of the Flophouse.

[0:13] Half the time, we watch a movie and we talk about it, but the other half of the time,

[0:17] we do other stuff.

[0:18] It could be anything, but usually it's anything that involves movies.

[0:22] I'm joined today by my regular subsidiary co-hosts, Dan McCoy, Stuart Lenton Wellington.

[0:29] That's right.

[0:30] One of us has a middle name.

[0:31] Can you guess which one it is?

[0:32] It was a real time saver, Stuart, when you recorded that one thing of you saying your

[0:36] name and just hit play every time it's necessary.

[0:39] That's the thing.

[0:40] I'm working smarter, not harder.

[0:41] Yeah, that's so true.

[0:42] Did I say my name?

[0:43] I can't even remember.

[0:44] Anyway, I'm Elliot Kalen.

[0:45] I don't know if I did.

[0:46] I'm Elliot Kalen.

[0:47] I'm here with Dan and Stu.

[0:48] And today, guess what, guys?

[0:50] We're talking March Madness.

[0:52] Brackets time.

[0:54] Everyone's doing brackets these days, basketball brackets.

[0:59] Other kinds of brackets.

[1:00] Shelving.

[1:01] Shelving brackets.

[1:02] Write or lay a bracket.

[1:04] So many different brackets.

[1:06] And so today we're going to do some brackets.

[1:08] But these brackets are not-

[1:09] Is this Lee Bracket?

[1:10] Lee Bracket?

[1:11] I don't know.

[1:12] I've never heard it said out loud.

[1:13] Okay, Lee Bracket.

[1:14] Sure.

[1:15] Actor Eddie Bracken.

[1:16] Again, not the same word, but it sounds kind of similar.

[1:20] Guys, here's the thing.

[1:22] What is really mad, what's real madness right now, is the state of the world we live in.

[1:27] Wow, true seller.

[1:29] Look, I'm just saying what everybody knows in their hearts.

[1:32] That things are cray right now.

[1:34] And I don't mean crayfish, which are delicious.

[1:36] I mean more like the Cray Brothers, who were violent and terrible.

[1:39] So I wanted to talk about other worlds.

[1:42] Other worlds we might rather live in.

[1:44] Fantasy worlds, if you will.

[1:46] And I wanted to do brackets of those.

[1:49] It's the March Madness fantasy world.

[1:51] Where would you rather live?

[1:53] Showdown championships.

[1:56] So I'm going to go through lists of different fantasy worlds from films.

[1:59] And I'm going to ask you guys to tell me which one you'd rather live in.

[2:03] And we're going to do this bracket style.

[2:04] They're pair-ups.

[2:05] And the winners of those will move on to the next rounds.

[2:07] Now, I don't mean to cut your thing short, but if one of them is the world of Den in

[2:13] heavy metal, that's my pick and I'll just dip.

[2:16] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[2:17] Den did not make it past the qualifying round.

[2:21] I think it was, there was something about it.

[2:24] I don't know what it was.

[2:26] Maybe that I forgot about it, but it didn't make it into the qualifying round.

[2:28] So it is not one of them, but I think you'll find some worlds you might like.

[2:32] Now, the first round, of course, these are the, this is the battle of the ends.

[2:37] Two worlds that start with N, kind of, one of them actually starts with F for a movie

[2:40] that starts with N. That is, would you rather live in Narnia from the Narnia films and books

[2:47] or would you rather live in the never-ending story world of Fantasia, Narnia or the never-ending

[2:53] story world?

[2:54] Cool.

[2:55] Pretty cool stuff.

[2:56] You know, here's the thing.

[2:57] Pretty cool stuff.

[2:58] Dan said that the least engaged I've ever heard.

[2:59] Dan sounded like nothing more than my own dad on the phone when he asked me about how

[3:00] I'm doing.

[3:01] Yeah, he had substitute teacher energy of like, you know what the real 6-7 is.

[3:02] Yeah, exactly.

[3:03] Chill down, guys.

[3:04] We've had fun, so.

[3:05] That was real guy thinking of what he's doing later energy.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:07] Uh-huh.

[3:08] Yeah.

[3:09] Yeah.

[3:10] Yeah.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:12] Yeah.

[3:13] Yeah.

[3:14] Yeah.

[3:15] Yeah.

[3:16] Yeah.

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:18] Yeah.

[3:19] Yeah.

[3:20] That was real guy thinking of what he's doing later energy.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] Uh-huh.

[3:24] Did I tell you guys about like my brief time as a substitute teacher when my biggest triumph

[3:30] was some of the students were like, Mr. McCoy, draw a scared cat.

[3:36] And I drew a scared cat on the blackboard.

[3:39] You were going to crush that shit.

[3:40] And they're like, wow, it really looks like, that's what a scared cat looks like.

[3:43] I've reached these children.

[3:44] Dan goes, you know how to scare a lot of cats in real life so you know what one looks like.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] He's got a chair in his chair around backwards moment.

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:52] Like I've reached the kids by.

[3:53] Let's wrap around scared cats.

[3:56] So Stuart, so Dan is off in his own fantasy land of the past imagining his past victories

[4:02] and conquests.

[4:03] Stuart, would you rather live in Narnia or the never ending story?

[4:05] Okay.

[4:06] Let me just, let me just work through this real quick.

[4:07] So we got, uh, so Narnia has evil, evil Tilda Swinton.

[4:12] That's a plus.

[4:13] Yep.

[4:14] She's technically from another world, but she's in Narnia when it's introduced in the

[4:18] books.

[4:20] So there's a, and there's a lion that talks and there's a lot, there's a talking Christ

[4:23] lion.

[4:24] There's also a wardrobe.

[4:25] There's a wardrobe.

[4:26] Don't forget that.

[4:27] I was going to say, but there is like Santa.

[4:29] It's a little too Christian for me.

[4:30] I'm going to say, I'm going to go never ending story because there are those like Sphinx

[4:33] babes that blast you with laser beams.

[4:35] Oh yeah.

[4:36] Yeah.

[4:37] And there's like a nothing thing.

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:39] It's great.

[4:40] That's a plus to you.

[4:41] No, no, no.

[4:42] Nothing is a bad thing.

[4:43] Here's what I'm going to say.

[4:44] Yeah.

[4:45] You know, the thing is, uh, a hero is only defined by the villains that oppose him.

[4:50] Right.

[4:51] Oh, I see.

[4:52] And then nothing's pretty powerful.

[4:53] And when I stopped that bang, I'm going to look extra cool.

[4:55] So the older I get, the, the less, uh, you know, I grew up in a Christian household,

[5:00] but the less religious I get, you're just a, you're pretty much just a, you know, if

[5:06] you have to admit it, you're just a closet Satanist at this point.

[5:08] Right.

[5:09] You know how I'm, I believe you only go twice a year to, uh, to hell church, but you know,

[5:14] I believe in a vague idea of being nice to people.

[5:17] Um, but, uh, you know, CS Lewis as a Christian thinkers go, it's not a terrible one.

[5:24] And, uh, the thing about Narnia is like, once you get rid of like the bad stuff, like those

[5:28] pevancy kids, you know, hung out, there were Kings and Queens.

[5:32] They had a great time for years and years and years.

[5:34] Yeah.

[5:35] Whereas never ending story is being devoured by literal nothingness.

[5:39] So I think I would have to go with Narnia.

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:42] But there's racing snails, dude.

[5:43] I mean, it looks cooler.

[5:44] I got to give it that.

[5:45] So I'm going to, since we have a tie here, there's a giant guy made out of rocks who

[5:51] eats rocks.

[5:52] He's rocks.

[5:53] He's a rock cannibal.

[5:54] I am going to go.

[5:55] I'm going to be the tiebreaker here.

[5:56] I'm only going to step in when I have to break a tie and I'm going to say, guys, once that

[6:00] nothing is taken care of, which it is at the end of the movie, I'm going to go never ending

[6:03] story.

[6:04] You can ride a black dragon, a racing snail, that bat gliding thing, those, yeah, the,

[6:10] the pyramids with who are just, they're not afraid to just go around topless or the sphinxes,

[6:16] you know, and not pyramids, sphinxes, the pyramid head from Silent Hill, go around topless.

[6:24] Whereas Narnia, Narnia is great.

[6:25] But you know what?

[6:26] I like the stuff.

[6:27] It might.

[6:28] My favorite Narnia book.

[6:29] This is another movie.

[6:30] Is The Magician's Nephew.

[6:31] They don't spend that much time in Narnia in The Magician's Nephew, you know?

[6:34] So that tells me that Narnia is not, not the best.

[6:36] OK.

[6:37] So we're down to Star Wars, the Star Wars universe versus Thra, the planet from the

[6:43] Dark Crystal.

[6:44] Which fantasy world would you rather live in?

[6:46] A world of rebels fighting the empire across a far flung galaxy and there's lots of talking

[6:50] bear men and stuff.

[6:51] I guess he doesn't talk.

[6:52] He just growls.

[6:53] There's you can, you can be a pirate on a spaceship with a bear man as your copilot

[6:56] or a world of skeksis and gelflings.

[6:59] And those, what are those little guys that just like to play music in the woods and,

[7:03] you know, hang out?

[7:04] Hippies.

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:06] There you go.

[7:08] Would you rather live in a more George Lucas-y fantasy world or a more Muppet-y fantasy world?

[7:13] I mean, like, oh, when you put it that way, it seems like I'm going to go Muppets.

[7:17] Here's the thing.

[7:18] Here's the thing.

[7:19] Return of the Jedi has some Muppet-y characters in it.

[7:20] Yeah, that's true.

[7:21] And Yoda's kind of a Muppet.

[7:22] Star Wars, like, I love the look of the Dark Crystal.

[7:27] Star Wars is a much more enjoyable thing to watch than Dark Crystal, which I, despite

[7:32] my love of the artistry for it, I find kind of boring a lot of it.

[7:36] Wow.

[7:37] I think it's amazing, but also kind of boring.

[7:40] It can be two things.

[7:41] That's true.

[7:42] It contains multitudes.

[7:43] Yeah.

[7:44] Like, I love them both as worlds, but I have to be honest with myself that I want technology.

[7:50] I don't want to just be sort of like wandering around in like the wilderness.

[7:54] So I guess I'll go with Star Wars.

[7:55] You don't want to just be wearing kind of homespun clothes while you drink soup broth

[7:59] out of like a clay bowl, a misshapen clay bowl.

[8:02] That's what Dark Crystal life seems like to me.

[8:04] You are also suggesting that you crave the gentle hand of the Empire.

[8:09] Some kind of authority.

[8:10] Well, that's the problem.

[8:11] Regulating.

[8:12] Clearly, there's this fascist government.

[8:13] It's really snappy.

[8:14] But I've gotten used to that.

[8:15] When you live on Thra, at any point, one of those big crab monsters, the Gartham, right,

[8:20] can just come and attack your observatory, your alchemist observatory, but in Star Wars,

[8:25] the Empire's there to keep you safe.

[8:26] You know that shit took forever to make.

[8:28] For sure, yeah.

[8:29] Yeah, we're under the thumb of the Empire.

[8:31] They're smashing all her windows.

[8:32] Where is she going to get glass in Thra?

[8:35] Who makes glazes?

[8:36] The Skeksis are also like doing bad shit.

[8:39] Like I don't feel like either one of them is free from danger.

[8:43] So and yeah, and the elders kind of boring, right?

[8:46] They are.

[8:47] I will.

[8:48] The ancients.

[8:49] Yeah, I will say this.

[8:50] The thing about the Dark Crystal that is its weakness to me is the ancients are very.

[8:52] But when they're going, oh, even as a kid, I found that very dull.

[8:55] And I was like, give me some Skeksis.

[8:57] I want to see some Skeksis.

[8:58] So Stuart, what about.

[8:59] So Dan says the Star Wars universe.

[9:01] Stuart, what about you?

[9:02] OK, so I'm going to base this more on the fact that.

[9:07] So I love the Dark Crystal, but I don't need more of what of that of the Dark Crystal.

[9:15] One movie that's absolutely enough.

[9:17] And I feel like Star Wars, at least there's a little more space, probably they've already

[9:21] given me pun intended, but there's a little bit more space to breathe.

[9:25] So I feel like I'm going to go Star Wars just because I feel like there's a little more

[9:31] to explore.

[9:32] Yes, that's true.

[9:33] It's multiple worlds.

[9:34] But you could go to a desert world, you go to a frozen world, you go to a forest world.

[9:38] It's pretty much it.

[9:39] But Thra is just the one place.

[9:40] So you.

[9:41] So Star Wars wins that one handily.

[9:42] I'm not that surprised going around three.

[9:46] I think we might have a ringer in this one, but this might be a tough one.

[9:50] It's Middle Earth or Oz 1939 Wizard of Oz version.

[9:56] Middle Earth or Oz from the 1939.

[9:58] I don't want to go to a.

[10:00] in prison dude uh wait which one's that not us no not as the television show oh no i guess

[10:09] it was bad no no that's not a fantasy world that's an all all too grim reality unfortunately

[10:14] you know uh geez louise like this middle earth the world of hobbits and orcs and whatever

[10:21] or oz the world of munchkins and flying monkeys again this depends on like when

[10:27] when we enter this world because like well let's talk about it uh oz like obviously there's

[10:34] danger in that world but it feels less dangerous than you know sauron uh you know sweeping over

[10:41] the land um but if we what if you were there during the hobbit times yeah if we're doing it

[10:47] like like pre or post like i would love to be a hobbit that seems like kind of the ideal life

[10:53] dan you would be a great hobbit you would really fit in well crush that too in a little hole eat

[10:58] just a bunch of meals all day and just smoke a pipe and and you will not and get mad at people

[11:02] throwing your dishes around while they're singing yeah i could see you loving that yeah

[11:06] no i i think for that reason i have to go middle earth okay stewart what about you

[11:11] what are you fucking idiot

[11:16] how long have you known me dude i figured that would be the response okay so yeah i want to

[11:20] hang out with my fucking orc buddies feast on man flesh that's what you march around sing

[11:24] fucking songs oh hobbit dan better watch out when orcs do shows up yeah to attack where there's a

[11:30] whip or we could be yeah yeah that'd be cool yeah maybe this is this is the story it's like a

[11:38] midnight run type thing or like some kind of mismatched buddy comedy between an orc and a

[11:42] hobbit you know yeah that sounds great okay uh round four uh-oh interesting we have some more

[11:48] oz is in the mix there's oz return to oz version or oz wicked version which would you prefer to

[11:55] live in oz from the wicked movies or oz from return to oz one's terrible and one's kind of

[12:01] lame so it's hard i will say having re-watched return to oz recently um i liked it a lot more

[12:08] than i used to no i think it's a good movie it's just terrifying it's a terrible place to live

[12:14] yeah i'm sure yeah yeah it's yeah it feels very sad but that's because uh the gnome king put

[12:18] everyone in his jail you know whatever so he made them all into little trinkets in his halls

[12:23] and i want to be clear like i actually i like the i like the first wicked movie just fine

[12:27] but the second one i thought what do you say good uh no i thought i'd say it was

[12:36] pretty good yeah yeah this movie is pretty good it's a wicked okay

[12:43] uh why don't you go first stewart yeah i mean i'm completely unfamiliar with return to oz so

[12:49] i think i'm gonna have to pick wicked just because but it is it's a little bit that's

[12:54] you that's the third movie wicked just because it's like the first wicked cha-ching that's what

[13:00] it's called yeah no i'm gonna go with just because it's just the characters hanging around talking

[13:05] about the previous wicked movies hey remember that time when i went to school with you and then

[13:09] and then it's just the whole it's that whole sequence the first movie yeah uh even though it's

[13:14] uh deflating over time and i don't like the weird digital haze i'm gonna go with the world of uh

[13:19] wicked as well just because i think living in return to oz would be too scary okay i get it

[13:25] is very scary but you love the hand you love that it's practical effects you know i yeah i from a

[13:31] distance i'd rather i think watch return to oz again then but but you'd rather live in i mean

[13:36] wicked has a functioning train system whereas return to oz does not so that right there uh mass

[13:42] transit is helpful all right uh we're almost at the uh we're almost ready for our break we're

[13:47] almost ready for the halftime show which is just ads but uh let's do just a couple more brackets

[13:51] let's see would you guys rather live on skull island from king kong that's pretty dope the

[13:57] fairy tale land from into the woods which would you rather live in skull island or the fairy tale

[14:02] land and now skull island you could say oh then i'll just hop a ship and get back to regular

[14:06] non-fantasy life no you gotta stay on skull island okay i'm gonna have to go skull island

[14:13] you know there's giant uh insects i can ride around on there's a giant king kong i can

[14:18] probably hang out i feel like we'd get along right oh i definitely think so yeah i think so

[14:23] so like yeah we'd be buddies and like and then he'd get in fights with dinosaurs i get to watch

[14:27] that shit it's cool uh i you know like all of these i hate to be reductive but it it all sort

[14:37] of like goes down to like where do i feel like safer and this one's actually kind of a hard

[14:43] call because initially you would think like oh of course into the woods you'd feel safer than skull

[14:47] island but in into the woods the narrator has been killed like yeah uh we're spinning into

[14:54] you know pure chaos there's a giant's wife stomping around there's a witch there's a wolf

[14:59] no happy endings are um guaranteed and you have to watch what you say because children will listen

[15:06] and watch what you do because children will see so even though i have a greater fondness

[15:11] as a property uh for into the woods i think i'm gonna go with stew i think i'm gonna go to skull

[15:15] island i love that skull you're like not as dangerous not as dangerous skull island

[15:20] we're liable to get eaten by any never been on monster island don't worry it's just a name i

[15:27] thought it was just a name what they meant was monster island is actually a peninsula

[15:31] all right we've got one more before we take our quick break would you guys rather live in

[15:36] toontown from roger ebert or dinosaur city from the mario brothers movie the old one

[15:41] that was gonna be cool world oh damn oh that way you know what should we do it should we

[15:47] know toontown or cool world toontown uh no you're the you're the game master you're uh

[15:54] what was it cool world or dinosaur city not cool world not cool you know one of my later ones i'm

[15:59] gonna change one of my later ones to cool world okay so uh toontown from roger ebert or dinosaur

[16:05] city from the original super now look i get it toontown it's gotta be annoying

[16:12] they just don't fucking stop doing bits it's frenetic but i think if you can get into the

[16:18] vibe it works and sometimes you'll uh go into uh los angeles yeah it's it's hard it's like the one

[16:26] time we see uh bob hoskins character uh eddie valiant that's the name go into toontown it seems

[16:34] like a relentless series of terrors like he is just being bedeviled on all ends uh by you know

[16:42] supposedly nice tunes not even evil tunes but like good tunes are like

[16:47] fucking with them left and right um but you know what i love those tunes i love those wacky tunes

[16:56] i think you guys are right about toontown i think once you get into it you'll be good and also

[17:00] dinosaur city there's no sunlight ever yeah in that city i would you would go nuts at least we

[17:05] have a giant sun with a face that like winks at us exactly that who wouldn't want that you know

[17:11] we're at least living in the eternal darkness of the cyberpunk uh dystopia of dinosaur city you

[17:16] know yeah i mean i'm surprised dan that you didn't take it because it's it's a pretty uh

[17:21] pretty sexy dinosaur city but you know dinosaur city yeah that's true but uh but you know what

[17:26] toontown wins let's take a break from the brackets we just have a couple more in the first round to

[17:30] get through but let's take a break we've got a jumbotron sponsor to read today oh and this is a

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[21:20] Before we get back to the main game,

[21:21] I also remind people that I have a few things

[21:23] I always plug that I'm gonna continue plugging.

[21:25] My new comic book series, Barbarian Behind Bars

[21:27] from Mad Cave Studios.

[21:29] It has what if a Conan the Barbarian type

[21:31] fantasy character ends up in prison.

[21:33] Then we have Harley Quinn, which I'm writing for DC Comics.

[21:36] We're about to start a storyline that I think people will

[21:39] like that has a lot of Batman stuff in it.

[21:41] And there's Joke Farming, my book about how to write jokes

[21:45] and how jokes work from University of Chicago Press,

[21:47] Joke Farming, available in e-book and in print.

[21:50] And before too long, I am going to be recording

[21:53] an audio book version of it.

[21:54] Ooh, very exciting.

[21:56] Do you guys have anything you would like to plug

[21:57] before we move on with the brackets?

[22:01] Okay, welcome back to March Madness,

[22:03] Fantasy World's Brackets.

[22:05] Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[22:08] We are almost done with our first round

[22:10] and then we will see who goes into the semi-finals,

[22:14] I don't know, quarter-finals, I don't remember

[22:15] what order the finals were in.

[22:17] Anyway, guys, our next matchup.

[22:19] Not our area.

[22:20] Our next matchup was originally going to be

[22:22] Never Never Land, from Peter Pan,

[22:24] or the Spirited Away Bathhouse World.

[22:26] But you know what?

[22:27] I'm knocking Never Never Land out

[22:28] and replacing it with Cool World

[22:30] because I know Dan loves it so.

[22:32] So where would you rather live?

[22:33] In Cool World, or Hollywood if Holly could,

[22:36] or the Spirited Away World where you can give a bath,

[22:38] you can give baths to monsters and ride a sad train.

[22:42] Which would you prefer?

[22:44] This is, you know, this, you know.

[22:46] Oh wait, are we, are we Noids or Doodles?

[22:49] Yeah.

[22:50] Well, think about it.

[22:51] If you were a Noid, as you are now,

[22:55] which, as you are a human Noid, right,

[22:57] you are not a Doodle,

[22:58] would you rather live in that world?

[23:00] But also, if you want to wait it where you're a Doodle

[23:01] instead of a Noid, we could do it that way, you know?

[23:04] Yeah, well, the thing is, if you're a Noid,

[23:05] you can't have sex with Doodles.

[23:07] And see, like, that's the only.

[23:08] That's like 90% of the appeal of Cool World.

[23:11] Because here's the, like, to be frank,

[23:14] like, other than the sexiness of Cool World,

[23:16] that place seems irritating.

[23:18] Oh, it seems terrible, right?

[23:19] There's literally shit going on all over the place.

[23:22] None of this seems to have anything to do

[23:23] with anything else.

[23:24] It's, you know, like, the soundtrack is good,

[23:27] but it's loud and relentless.

[23:29] It's also, again, also no sunlight.

[23:30] I think it's always nighttime there, yeah.

[23:33] I'm gonna shock the world and say, I'm picking Bath House.

[23:36] I mean, that's like, it's just so chill,

[23:39] and there's so many weirdos there,

[23:41] but, like, in a way that I don't find annoying.

[23:45] Yeah.

[23:46] As much as it might seem like I'd go Cool World,

[23:48] I gotta go Bath House, too.

[23:49] That's a call.

[23:50] Tough one, though.

[23:51] Spirit Away Bath House World,

[23:52] you guys are eager to have your parents turned into pigs

[23:55] so that you can give baths to fantasy,

[23:58] to frogs and big, kind of gross, goopy guys.

[24:01] And then when I leave, I'm gonna hold,

[24:03] I'm gonna give them a toaster oven

[24:05] that has a chunk of pure evil,

[24:06] and I'm like, Mom and Dad, touch this thing

[24:09] so I can go back to hanging out with my Bath House buddies.

[24:12] Oh, that's a different thing.

[24:14] Now, we have one final first-round duo

[24:17] that is, would you rather live in Barbie Land,

[24:21] from the movie Barbie, or Hyboria,

[24:24] the home of Conan the Cimmerian,

[24:27] a savage world where the only law

[24:29] is your strong right sword hand?

[24:32] Yeah, I'm gonna jump in front of Dan here.

[24:33] Now, there was a second where I was like,

[24:36] oh, maybe I feel like I love the pinks

[24:38] and the bright colors and, like, the energy

[24:41] and, you know, the lessons we're learning in Barbie World,

[24:44] but you know what?

[24:45] The only lessons I need come at the end of a blade,

[24:48] so take me to Hyboria, baby.

[24:51] Yeah, Krom doesn't get,

[24:52] he does not give you fancy clothing or a sense of style.

[24:55] He only gives you life and the strength to endure it.

[24:59] Dan, what about you?

[24:59] Would you rather live in Barbie Land or Hyboria?

[25:03] I, you know, no, I can't, I can't be a barbarian,

[25:09] number one, but number two, like,

[25:11] yeah, the vibes in Barbie Land seem great.

[25:14] Like, in general, like, these days,

[25:16] I think I have more closer male friends,

[25:19] but, like, in general, like,

[25:20] I find women, like, easier to relate to

[25:23] and it's a very women-centric society.

[25:27] Yeah, like, I would go to Barbie Land.

[25:29] You know what?

[25:30] As much as I enjoy stories set in savage fantasy lands

[25:34] where the only law is a strong sword arm,

[25:37] I think I would not wanna actually,

[25:39] comparing that to Barbie Land,

[25:40] a place where it's mostly beach parties

[25:43] and having fun, I think I would go with you, Dan.

[25:45] So as the tiebreaker, I'm gonna choose Barbie Land.

[25:47] Sorry, Conan.

[25:50] Yeah, cowards.

[25:51] Okay.

[25:52] Okay, moving on to the second round,

[25:56] we have some new matchups for some of our winners.

[25:57] So first, there's the never-ending story world,

[26:00] Fantasia, or the Star Wars universe.

[26:02] Which would you rather live in,

[26:03] never-ending story land or Star Wars?

[26:06] Again, I just, there's cool stuff

[26:09] in never-ending story land.

[26:11] I just can't deal with the idea

[26:13] of a wave of nothingness coming.

[26:15] I mean, even if-

[26:16] You're just saying Jonathan Brandis is stuff?

[26:18] Even if, that's what I'm saying.

[26:22] Even if we conquer it,

[26:23] even if things turn out all right,

[26:25] like, that is such a horrifying concept.

[26:26] You're always gonna be afraid

[26:28] of the nothingness coming back, as that is,

[26:29] whereas, again, the cradling, loving,

[26:32] paternal arm of the Empire.

[26:34] Look, there's so many pockets of the universe

[26:36] where you can hide out.

[26:37] The trains run on time, is what he's saying.

[26:39] Yeah, the space trains run on time, yeah.

[26:41] You know, even if I gotta go to Dagobah,

[26:43] where no one cares about anything, like-

[26:45] Yeah, where it bubbles all the time

[26:46] like a giant carbonated soda.

[26:49] That's from the song Yoda by Weird Al Yankovic.

[26:51] No, I, context clues, even though I'm not.

[26:56] I'm gonna go Star Wars.

[26:57] What do you say, Stu?

[26:58] Yeah, I'm gonna go Star Wars.

[27:00] I mean, I'm gonna hang out.

[27:03] I'll be a fucking bartender,

[27:05] work at Dexter Jetster's fucking diner or something.

[27:08] But it's true, there are a couple,

[27:09] these are the, I think we've talked about this before,

[27:10] there are only a few jobs in the Star Wars universe.

[27:12] You can be a smuggler, a soldier, a bounty hunter,

[27:16] or a food service worker or live music performance artist.

[27:20] Those are the five jobs that you can have.

[27:22] I mean, and maybe like a mechanic.

[27:24] You know, you can be like a mechanic

[27:25] that works on spaceships, so.

[27:27] Okay, so the Star Wars universe advances to the next round.

[27:30] Let's see, what's gonna advance in this next matchup?

[27:33] That's Oz from the Wicked movies,

[27:35] or Middle Earth, which would you prefer to live in?

[27:38] Middle Earth or Oz from the Wicked movies?

[27:42] Yeah, Middle Earth is a pretty easy choice

[27:45] for me to make again.

[27:47] I love how Dan's like, I can't deal with the nothingness,

[27:49] but the shadow of Sauron over the land, you know what?

[27:52] Maybe I'll just sit in my hole and just eat spice cakes.

[27:56] Let the world of the big people sort itself out.

[27:59] The Shire might burn one time, okay?

[28:02] Like you scoured once, 99% of the time.

[28:06] Just a little bit of scouring.

[28:08] I mean, I feel like that's a plot hole

[28:10] because shouldn't the Hobbits have just not

[28:12] let Sharky in, you know?

[28:14] Sharky's machine, though.

[28:15] It's hard not to let that in, yeah.

[28:18] So Middle Earth advances, not a surprise.

[28:21] What a rich fantasy world.

[28:23] Speaking of rich fantasy worlds,

[28:24] let's look at our next round.

[28:25] It's Skull Island, King Kong's home.

[28:28] And Toontown, where all the Toons live.

[28:31] Would you rather live in Skull Island,

[28:32] a land of jungles, prehistoric creatures, and danger,

[28:37] or Toontown, a land of mixing IP and frenetic violence?

[28:43] And the chance of a piano falling on you and crushing you.

[28:46] You might have a piano fall on you.

[28:47] You might have a lady go, oh man,

[28:50] and then chase after you, you know?

[28:51] A lady?

[28:52] Lena Highey.

[28:53] She doesn't mix.

[28:54] Sorry, I apologize.

[28:57] And what cartoon is she from originally?

[28:58] I don't know.

[28:59] Stuart, what are you gonna give us?

[29:03] I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna go Toontown.

[29:06] You know, it's a reflection.

[29:07] I can't help it.

[29:08] Yeah, it's a reflection, I think,

[29:10] of the inside of my brain.

[29:12] Like the closest to any of these

[29:14] is just like what's going on in my head is Toontown, so.

[29:17] I think, I mean, I get it.

[29:19] But also like, again, Dan,

[29:20] I feel like you would feel right at home in Toontown.

[29:23] But also, Toontown, going by some of the standards

[29:25] you were suggesting earlier, Skull Island seems cool,

[29:28] but Toontown is a place where even as frenetic as it is,

[29:30] you have a house with a roof over your head.

[29:32] You can drive a car, do plumbing.

[29:34] That house might explode and your hair all sticks up

[29:36] and you have soot all over you,

[29:38] but you can make another one.

[29:39] That's the thing, if you explode, you don't die.

[29:41] You're just all black for a while.

[29:43] Skull Island, you better believe

[29:44] you're gonna die if you explode.

[29:46] You know, there's so many things that can kill you.

[29:47] Where's Tone Town?

[29:48] Tone Town.

[29:49] Tone Town is just more about a feel, man.

[29:50] Take me to Tone Town.

[29:52] Take me down to Tone Town.

[29:54] Toontown, you're not gonna die.

[29:55] At the jazz club in Toontown, yeah.

[29:57] Actually, was Eddie Valiant in real danger in Toontown?

[30:00] or no? He wouldn't die as long as he was there? I, like, I think he, like, bounces on the ground,

[30:04] doesn't he? Like, or something? I don't remember. Well, because the ground is animated as well.

[30:09] Oh, okay. And there's a, he climbs out of a hole, but he's still alive. Yeah. Or maybe the rest of

[30:14] the movie is a dream he's having in the last moments before he dies in Toontown. Possible.

[30:19] Yeah. Um, now let's move on to this next, uh, the next round of the, the final round of the

[30:24] semifinals or quarterfinals, whichever it is. We've got the Spirited Away Bathhouse versus

[30:30] Barbie Land. Would you rather be in a, in a Japanese world of steamy public baths and, uh,

[30:37] and filled with aliens and monsters and aliens and monsters or filled with yokai of all forms?

[30:43] Thank you. Or would you rather live in Barbie Land where it's just kind of like a 24-hour

[30:48] party, but there's this kind of a pit of emptiness at the core of it that Barbie has to figure out?

[30:54] Yeah. And would you guys be Ken's or would you be a different type of doll?

[30:58] Like honey? I'd probably be that Michael Cera one. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. And Stuart,

[31:04] you'd be a Ken probably. Yeah. Um, yeah, I'd be old Ken. Um, the, no, I mean,

[31:15] I'd be as a travel the world. Yeah. Stick in a long beard. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, no,

[31:20] take me back to that bath house. I mean, there, no,

[31:24] no filmmaker has ever made food look as delicious as my side.

[31:29] I'll give you that. The food, when the parents are eating that food and turning into pigs,

[31:33] I'm like, yeah, I would, the same thing would happen to me. Everything looks

[31:36] fantastic. It looks great. Yeah. Here's the thing in Barbie Land. Do I not have genitals? Yes.

[31:43] That's a big negative, but what do I hate? Whereas the Spirited Away Bathhouse,

[31:49] you're just fucking like crazy. It's not like there's anything to fuck there.

[31:53] No, you're constantly, you're constantly, you're constantly sneaking into the back room with a

[31:57] frog or a big chick or something like that. A big, big bird. Yeah. But, um, the thing,

[32:03] that guy who works the bellows and the furnace in the bottom has got a lot of arms. What can

[32:06] he do with those? You know, if there's one thing I hate more than anything,

[32:11] yeah, I think it's uncertainty. Uh, yeah. It's like not what we can see how the nothing

[32:15] understanding the nothingness really strikes a nerve with you. It really bothered you. Yeah. Yeah.

[32:20] I think it's that uncertainty. Yeah. And, uh, the Spirited Away World, I would constantly be like,

[32:24] what the fuck is going on? What are the rules here? I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

[32:28] So I think I got to go with Barbie. So we got another tiebreaker. Yeah. Another tie.

[32:32] Spirited Away Bathhouse versus Barbie Land. Here's the thing. I like the movie Spirited

[32:38] Away more, but I feel like it's the difference of do I work at the bathhouse or am I a customer at

[32:44] the bathhouse? Because it seems pretty stressful to work there. It's a lot. Customers constantly

[32:49] coming in. They all have different needs. You got to get those different tiles to, like, get the

[32:53] right bath salts and things like that and bath bombs. But if I'm a customer there, oh, man,

[32:58] what a sweet place to be. It seems so relaxing. You know, it just seems so like your every need

[33:03] is taken care of, whether you're a giant frog or a big baby chick or whatever that kind of like

[33:08] octopussy type guy is, who's like all big and takes up the elevator. Roger Moore.

[33:15] Yeah, that octopussy guy, Roger Moore. So actually, and I think, to be honest, Barbie Land,

[33:22] I think the colors would start to hurt my eyes after a little while. It's a little too bright.

[33:26] So, you know what? I'm going to say if I'm a customer, Spirited Away Bathhouse, sorry.

[33:30] Sorry, Barbie Land. A nice place to visit. Surprisingly strong contender, though.

[33:35] It is surprising. Well, this is like I did this. So I was on the Screen Drafts podcast with Jordan

[33:40] Morris, where they do like kind of this kind of bracket where they kind of you kind of not

[33:43] bracket. We draft things into a list of movies. And it was Supernatural Kids. And as we went

[33:48] through it, it seems so clear to me that Kiki's Delivery Service was like the best movie about

[33:54] a supernatural kid. Like, I just love that movie. There's something about Miyazaki is magic. You

[33:58] know, his movies are magic and they make the things that are in them seem really magical.

[34:01] There's something like Miyazaki understands the magic of like a like a package wrapped in

[34:07] paper with string tied around it or something like that, like or a like a wooden cabin with

[34:12] like a hot teapot on a on a on an old stove or something like this. And it just makes everything

[34:17] seem really wonderful to be around, even when it's even when a bloody dragon is crashing through the

[34:22] windows of the bathhouse or three weird heads are just bouncing around going, roll, roll, roll.

[34:27] It still seems magical and really nice to be there. Even when some kind of ancient bioweapon

[34:34] is coming out of a mountain and scaring everybody, there's still something kind of like,

[34:39] well, I'd love to be there. That sounds really great. Yeah. Yeah. Even when you're an injured

[34:42] boy and there's this heron yelling at you, it still seems nice. Exactly. Even when you're

[34:47] designing aircraft for the Japanese Air Force before World War Two, like it's still, you know,

[34:52] still seems like a sweet place to be. Even when your mom is sick,

[34:59] you've got a friend, you've got a neighbor. I mean, well, that's I mean, that's also that's

[35:03] the that's the thing like like that. Totoro is such a is such a fantastic movie. And like so

[35:08] like even when you're like running around looking for your missing sister and you're upset, like

[35:12] it's still like, oh, this is a great place to be. I really love this. Yeah. You get to bounce on a

[35:16] big cat creature. Yeah. You know, when you get to ride in a bus that's a cat, you know, and in the

[35:20] end you get to visit your mom and she's going to be OK. What a good movie. All right, guys. You

[35:24] know what? It's too bad Totoro Land couldn't be in here because it's not really like a place.

[35:28] It's just, you know, Japan's called Japan. No, it's not a fantasy place.

[35:34] So let's go down to the semifinals. This is what's going to decide our final matchup of the episode

[35:42] and our first one. Oh, this could be a tough one, guys. The Star Wars universe versus Toontown.

[35:48] Where would you rather live? Would you rather live in the galaxy a long time ago in a far, far

[35:54] away? I kind of worded that weirdly or Toontown, the place where funny ideas live and breathe.

[36:04] This is this is where finally the oppressive government comes into play because. OK,

[36:10] interesting. You know, there's no equivalent danger in Toontown. There's talk of Toontown

[36:18] being demolished, but that staved off by the end of the film. And that's not the Toon's fault.

[36:22] That's not inherent to Toontown. Yeah, I mean, that is a Toon's fault. It is. It is a Toon's

[36:27] fault. But that Toon has like the pigs at the end of Animal Farm has kind of gone native with with

[36:32] live action humans. But that's the sort of uncertainty about the future that I've learned

[36:36] to live with in my day to day life, you know. So I think I'm going to have to go with Toontown

[36:42] in this case. It's a surprise pick, but I'm actually this is a weird one, but I think.

[36:50] I feel like having the oppressive government will give me my life meeting.

[36:57] It'll give me something to fight against. Well, Stuart, have I got news for you?

[37:01] Oh, boy. Guess what? The opportunity is here. And I fight against it in the ways that I can.

[37:08] And I feel like the I feel like Toontown is this chaotic thing that I can't necessarily

[37:16] add anything to. But it's a tough call. I think I'm going to go Star Wars.

[37:22] Tough call. And it's hard. So I'm going to have to be the tiebreaker on this between Star Wars

[37:26] and Toontown. And it's tough because, again, Toontown is frenetic. You will never get a good

[37:32] night's sleep. That's for sure, because your eyelids will always pop back up again like

[37:37] blinds that you've pulled down. Whereas Star Wars, I don't know. When I was a kid,

[37:43] I think I would have loved to have lived in the Star Wars world because it seems so exciting.

[37:48] And now when I watch the Star Wars movies, I do get more of a sense of like just the

[37:53] oppressiveness and the lack of your life is entirely defined by the existence of the empire,

[37:59] whether you are avoiding it or you're living in the kind of shadowy underworld that is the

[38:04] result of it. Or you are a the only way to escape. It seems to be like a farmer off on a

[38:09] far off planet somewhere, at least on the fringes of that. But even then, there's your local

[38:13] gangsters. It's a it's a it's an idea of the universe that is entirely about kind of sinister

[38:19] power taking hold. And even in the prequels, when it's the Republicans, most things are

[38:23] ostensibly maybe a little better. There's still a sense of a like a an exhaustedness of the

[38:30] universe, a lack of inspiration in the people of the universe, a a a feeling of better times

[38:37] were always in the past. There was always when you're in during the empire, like the days of

[38:42] Darth Plagueis the Wise. Exactly. Yeah. When when you're living under the empire,

[38:46] you wish for the old republic. When you're living in the old republic,

[38:48] you're wishing for the golden age of the Jedi, you know. And I feel like I think living in a

[38:53] world that is like that now where people are always yearning for a past that maybe didn't

[38:57] actually really exist compared to the eternal now of Toontown, where there is nothing but

[39:02] possibility, maybe too much possibility. But they really force you to live in the moment,

[39:06] because if you don't, an anvil will fall on your head and crush you and flatten you down.

[39:10] There's something exciting about that. And so I'm going to pick Toontown.

[39:16] Realize that's a huge upset, a huge upset. A lot of people talk about IPs,

[39:21] Joe. Disney owns it all. So who will Toontown be up against in the final battle?

[39:27] Because there's there's only there's only one thing. Is it the spirited away bathhouse

[39:33] or Middle Earth? Stuart, it's going to you're going to have to. This is like

[39:37] cutting a baby in half for you. It's gonna be hard. Yeah. Don't do that, by the way.

[39:40] This is Ellie Kaelin endorsing not cutting babies in half. Unless you're in Toontown.

[39:44] Unless you're in Toontown. Probably. You go first in this one.

[39:48] Middle Earth versus the spirited away bathhouse. This is a really tough call.

[39:53] Stuart's thinking. I feel like you can see how difficult it is for him. It's written on his face.

[39:58] Yeah.

[40:00] I think I have to go Middle Earth.

[40:04] He's being true to himself, everybody.

[40:07] He's being true to himself.

[40:09] You can't fault him for that.

[40:10] You know, it seems like I'm just trying to create drama,

[40:12] but here, like the last matchup,

[40:14] here's where the danger of the world really, like,

[40:18] starts to come into play and flips things.

[40:21] Because as much as hobbity as my interests are,

[40:24] I feel like a world with that kind of violent danger in it

[40:29] versus a bathhouse where I just might be weirded out

[40:32] by some stuff, I gotta go with the bathhouse.

[40:35] At worst, you would have to be a worker at the bathhouse.

[40:39] And that, honestly, there's joy in that job.

[40:41] So I'm gonna go Spirit Away.

[40:42] But it's, so you're gonna say Spirit Away.

[40:44] I think I'm going to, hmm, so it's a tie again.

[40:48] Middle Earth versus Spirited Away.

[40:50] You know what?

[40:51] I'm gonna be Dan on this one, Dan of the past.

[40:55] I think despite the danger of Middle Earth,

[40:58] you could live a couple hundred years as a hobbit,

[41:01] just maxing and relaxing, seeming to have no job whatsoever.

[41:06] So it's not even, the choice between bathhouse attendant

[41:08] and bathhouse guest, you don't have to worry about that.

[41:12] Because you know what?

[41:13] You can kind of be both when you're a hobbit.

[41:15] You can work for enjoyment and also enjoy as your work.

[41:20] And so I'm gonna say Middle Earth, strangely enough,

[41:23] instead of the Spirit Away bathhouse,

[41:25] even though the food in Spirit Away looks much better to me

[41:29] than the Middle Earth food,

[41:30] I do not want to eat dry spice cakes

[41:33] or whatever they're eating.

[41:34] Fucking Lembas bread?

[41:35] I don't want it.

[41:37] As opposed to an endless Japanese food buffet,

[41:40] yes, I would much rather have that.

[41:41] You don't just want to eat an uncooked fish?

[41:43] No.

[41:45] Or taters, precious?

[41:49] And so that brings us to our final matchup of the brackets.

[41:53] Which fantasy world will be the one

[41:54] that you guys will be living in?

[41:56] Because let's reveal how it works, folks.

[41:58] Whichever you choose, you will have to go living

[42:00] at the end of this show.

[42:01] It would have been a wild matchup, by the way.

[42:04] Toontown versus Spirit Away.

[42:06] I think it was, I couldn't have done it with two cartoons,

[42:08] I think would be too, wouldn't, would be no,

[42:10] well, you know what?

[42:11] Should we do an upset audience?

[42:13] No, no, no, no, stick with the.

[42:15] Actually, just, actually, as our side event,

[42:18] Toontown or the bathhouse?

[42:19] Which would you guys live in?

[42:19] The bathhouse, right?

[42:20] Bathhouse.

[42:21] Yeah, for sure, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[42:23] Would you rather live in Toontown, from Roger Ebbett,

[42:25] or Middle Earth, from the Lord of the Rings movies

[42:28] and television shows and books?

[42:30] Which would you rather have?

[42:31] Again, the frenetic, individual expression

[42:36] and excitement of Toontown,

[42:37] or the living under a shadow of danger,

[42:39] but it's a little bit easier going.

[42:41] Yeah, you put your finger right on it.

[42:45] For me, at this point, it's gotta come down to vibes.

[42:49] You know, like the frenetic vibe,

[42:50] versus pretty chill vibes,

[42:52] considering everything that's going on,

[42:55] and I gotta go with the chill vibes of Middle Earth.

[42:58] Yeah, I'm gonna ride around on my eagle friends,

[43:00] and we're gonna have all kinds of good times.

[43:03] It's gotta be Middle Earth for me.

[43:04] Okay, so.

[43:05] Sorry, Toons.

[43:06] You're choosing Middle Earth, but you know what, guys?

[43:09] As is my prerogative, as the games master today.

[43:13] You're sending us straight to hell.

[43:14] Exactly, you get to go to the,

[43:15] you just unlocked the lament configuration.

[43:17] Uh-oh.

[43:18] I always knew that was gonna happen.

[43:20] What if that was one of the,

[43:21] I should've put that in one of the fantasy worlds

[43:22] as the Cenobite Dimension.

[43:24] See, you guys wanna stay there?

[43:25] I'm like, yeah.

[43:26] They have such things to show you.

[43:27] Kinda, I wanna, they keep saying there's things.

[43:29] I wanna see it.

[43:30] Do you think Pinhead's ever like,

[43:31] nobody ever wants to see our things.

[43:33] We just wanna show them our things.

[43:35] They get mad and want to leave.

[43:37] Pinhead, can I just have the horny stuff

[43:38] without the barbed wire?

[43:39] No, they're two sides of the same coin,

[43:42] the thin line between pain and pleasure.

[43:44] Nobody ever wants to play my games with me.

[43:47] I'm gonna say, guys, yeah, so Middle-Earth is the winner,

[43:49] but that being said,

[43:51] that's the great thing about human imagination

[43:53] is we can go wherever we want in these fantasy worlds.

[43:55] So why don't Stu, Dan, me,

[43:58] I paid for us each to have a session of hot tubbing,

[44:02] massage, and endless Japanese food

[44:04] at the Spirited Away bathhouse.

[44:06] So as we go and disrobe and get towels on

[44:08] and hang out with a bunch of frogs and yokai

[44:10] and things like that,

[44:12] I'll just say thank you for joining us today

[44:14] to our listeners as we decided that Middle-Earth,

[44:17] specifically the Shire, Hobbit Town,

[44:19] is the place that we want to live the most

[44:21] of all these fantasy worlds.

[44:22] The world we live in is unfortunately not a fantasy,

[44:25] but maybe we can do things to make it a little better

[44:27] than it was before.

[44:28] It may never be perfect, but we can make it better.

[44:31] Thank you so much for listening.

[44:32] We are a product of the Maximum Fun Network.

[44:34] We're rather an associate of it.

[44:36] They don't produce it, we do.

[44:38] We are produced, in fact, by Alex Smith,

[44:40] our producer and editor.

[44:41] He goes by HowlDotty online

[44:43] and check out his comedy and music.

[44:44] He's an immensely talented individual.

[44:46] We're lucky to have him in our lives.

[44:48] If you want to try other MaxFun podcasts,

[44:50] I would advise you to.

[44:52] I think they're great.

[44:53] The MaxFun Drive is coming up next month

[44:55] and that's your time to show your support

[44:57] and we appreciate ahead of time that you're doing that.

[45:00] Until then, we'll be back next week

[45:02] with another movie to talk about as we,

[45:05] but we'll be super relaxed

[45:06] because we spent all that time

[45:07] at the Spirited Away bathhouse

[45:08] and then hung out in our hobbit hole

[45:10] just eating spice cakes.

[45:11] And what kind of bread was it, Stuart?

[45:13] Limbus.

[45:14] Limbus bread.

[45:15] I'm not Stuart.

[45:16] I was closer to the microphone.

[45:17] No, you're Stuart now.

[45:18] You answered to his call, now you're Stuart.

[45:20] Oh, wow.

[45:21] Creepy Friday.

[45:22] Until next time.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] Until next time, I'm Elliott Kalen.

[45:26] I've been Dan McCoy.

[45:27] I'm still Stewie Wellington.

[45:31] Or can we switch?

[45:32] See ya.

[45:33] Ha ha ha.

[45:34] ♪♪

[45:39] Maximum fun.

[45:40] A worker-owned network.

[45:42] Of artists-owned shows.

[45:43] Supported.

[45:44] Directly.

[45:45] By you.

FH Mini #149 - Fantasy Land March Madness

Transcript

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