Ep.#461 - An Easter Bunny Puppy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss an Easter bunny puppy.

[0:03] I thought we were discussing a movie, but I guess we're discussing a puppy.

[0:06] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:31] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:32] Hey, Dan McCoy.

[0:33] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:35] Hey, Stuart Wellington and Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:38] That's my name.

[0:39] Thanks.

[0:40] We've all successfully said our own names.

[0:44] But for how long?

[0:45] Time for a break.

[0:46] Time for a union mandated break.

[0:48] Yeah, we earned it.

[0:49] We earned this.

[0:50] Time for me to slide down that brontosaurus.

[0:53] Quitting time, boys.

[0:54] Do you think that brontosaurus eventually went up to Mr. Slate and was like, I gotta

[1:00] file a harassment claim against Fred Flintstone.

[1:02] He's always running his feet along my tail.

[1:04] I have so much back chafing.

[1:07] Because you know, those fucking feet are so calloused, right?

[1:10] Oh, yeah.

[1:11] He uses them to drive in that car like fucking catcher's mitts.

[1:14] Yeah.

[1:15] Well, this isn't a Flintstones foot fetish podcast.

[1:20] This is a podcast.

[1:21] Could be.

[1:22] We got our eyes on the prize, boys.

[1:25] Yeah.

[1:26] What a dream that would be.

[1:28] But instead, we're stuck talking about movies that have been either critical or commercial

[1:33] flops.

[1:34] Or in the case of this movie, I don't think anyone bothered reviewing it.

[1:39] That's because we're in.

[1:40] And I don't believe it was ever released in theaters.

[1:42] Yeah.

[1:43] It wasn't.

[1:44] I assume this was just this was just kind of in the in the middle of the night, like

[1:47] that, like a toxic waste barrel just dumped onto America's streaming services.

[1:51] Well, let's not judge already, though.

[1:53] This is a.

[1:54] Yeah, you're right.

[1:55] Let's not judge.

[1:56] It might be great.

[1:57] Of course, small timber or, as some say, small timber, where we watch which one do

[2:03] I say?

[2:04] I don't even remember.

[2:05] You say small timber.

[2:06] So I reminded you, guys, this this small timber really reminded me why I wish this podcast

[2:13] was always small.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:15] I mean, like in general, we try and not, as we say, punch down to movies that people weren't

[2:24] going to care about anyway.

[2:26] But over the years that we've been doing this podcast, we've become such media titans that

[2:31] every movie is coming down for us now.

[2:33] That's true.

[2:34] Yeah.

[2:35] We're also like Empire.

[2:36] If we were only watching these super pure, uncut weirdo movies from small timber, I feel

[2:41] like we'd get kind of desensitized and like nothing would make give us joy.

[2:46] No, I think we would watch nothing but these.

[2:48] And then one day we would go into movie theater and watch a big budget movie and it would

[2:51] be the greatest movie we've ever seen.

[2:53] And it would also be terrible.

[2:55] We'd go in and see like, yeah, just a piece of junk and we'd be like, oh, my God, it's

[2:58] so amazing.

[2:59] Look at the craft that went into this.

[3:00] This must be the greatest movie ever made.

[3:02] So I think we just risk stabilizing our our compasses.

[3:06] Scenes end at a natural conclusion as opposed to just petering out or not.

[3:13] Where's the 20 second long establishing shot of a stream that has nothing to do with the

[3:17] plot or the action of the movie?

[3:19] Where's the master shot of the outside of the house that occurs in the middle of a scene

[3:23] that you then cut back to?

[3:25] Mm hmm.

[3:26] Yeah, we're talking.

[3:27] None of these performers seem to have noticeably had laryngitis throughout most of the shoot.

[3:32] Interesting.

[3:33] Yeah.

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:35] We got to we got to keep it to one month as a treat for ourselves.

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:38] I think that's really it.

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:40] But yes, we watched an Easter Bunny.

[3:42] The opposite of No Nut November, I guess, where it's like extra extra orgasm September.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] Yeah.

[3:50] Nonstop.

[3:51] Not September.

[3:52] Yeah.

[3:53] Yeah.

[3:54] Man, it's too much jizz on everything.

[3:55] You know, I got a lot of pineapple juice and a lot of water and all the guys who brought

[4:02] them in nutting and sitting here peacefully.

[4:06] The two of us were talking about actual tree nuts, walnuts, things like that.

[4:10] This is how you do it.

[4:11] Innuendo, Dan.

[4:12] Come on.

[4:13] Mm hmm.

[4:14] Innuendo.

[4:15] Yes.

[4:16] I was just used out.

[4:17] You went, Oh, damn.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:20] This is, of course, another film by David Ducato.

[4:24] Well, I mean, the director's trademarks are all over it, to be frank.

[4:29] I just like the way it's almost like everyone's familiar.

[4:32] Yeah.

[4:33] Everyone knows.

[4:34] Well, so you may be a longtime listeners may remember we discussed a talking cat.

[4:41] So sad because it has an interrobang with either two bangs or two interos.

[4:46] I can't remember which.

[4:47] Yeah.

[4:48] We'll let the philosophers argue it out over the centuries.

[4:51] Yeah.

[4:52] And in the same year, I believe he also made a movie about an Easter bunny puppy.

[4:57] That was the one thing that I didn't like was finding out how this movie came around

[5:01] the same time.

[5:02] So I'm like, wait a minute.

[5:03] We're doing a small Venmo movie.

[5:04] That's like 13 years old.

[5:05] What do we do?

[5:06] Twelve years old.

[5:07] Well, what we're what we're doing is statute of limitations.

[5:11] Exactly.

[5:12] So what we're doing is I saw this movie with my bad movie watching crew that I watched

[5:18] movies with outside of the flop.

[5:20] Wow.

[5:21] A bunch of bruisers that kind of like rampage through a town watching bad movies like a

[5:25] wild one.

[5:26] You know, but it was so special that I knew that I needed to share with you two fellows.

[5:30] I love the Dan's the kind of sicko who has multiple bad movie viewing.

[5:35] Yeah.

[5:36] I mean, I, I, I, I duck out about half the time these days because there is a limit.

[5:42] Yeah.

[5:43] Well, you know, if you if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.

[5:46] So it's so true.

[5:49] So true.

[5:50] Elliott, I believe you're trying to talk about the summary for this one.

[5:54] This is I mean, so Dan, I watch this together.

[5:57] We plot down on the couch and watch it together because we figured this would be a special

[6:01] one to enjoy as friends.

[6:03] And you know what?

[6:04] It was great.

[6:06] I could have joined you, especially for the five minute Easter egg dying montage.

[6:10] Was it only five minutes?

[6:12] I went back and I actually timed it.

[6:16] But the but my timing disagrees with I think with the IMDb trivia mention of it.

[6:21] So we'll get to that.

[6:22] We'll get to that.

[6:23] So an Easter bunny puppy, as Dan said, this is another from the studio of David Dakota.

[6:28] He didn't he directed he didn't write this one, I don't think, but I know he doesn't

[6:31] write it.

[6:32] He just directs him.

[6:33] Right.

[6:34] But I don't think he's the credited director.

[6:35] But that's fine.

[6:36] The logo opens, of course, for fun family features.

[6:40] This is neither fun or a feature.

[6:44] And the opening titles are stock photos of dogs above an endlessly repeating parade of

[6:49] rolling CGI Easter eggs.

[6:51] Did you guys this was one of a couple of times the movie Dan and Stu where I have to admit

[6:55] I broke the rules and hit that 10 second skip button quite a bit so that I didn't have to

[7:01] sit through the entire endless repetitive parade.

[7:04] The whole thing.

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:06] And we were enjoying the looped music.

[7:08] Now, I thought it was good.

[7:10] The movie begins, as all great movies do, with a not full frame like it doesn't actually

[7:14] fill the whole frame image of the movie's own poster thumbnail.

[7:17] So it's like if you clicked on this on Tubi and then the movie started to be like, wait

[7:21] a minute, did I am I looking at the Tubi screen again?

[7:24] And there's a little video over it.

[7:26] There's a kid that's talking, but we're going to find out it's actually a dog.

[7:28] This is Russ the dog.

[7:29] He says, hey, if you've ever heard of this story of the Easter Bunny puppy, I'll tell

[7:34] you that puppy on the poster.

[7:37] He's not even in the movie.

[7:38] That's not the Easter Bunny puppy.

[7:40] I'm a dog.

[7:41] For the next 90 minutes, you're going to be able to hear my thoughts through telepathy.

[7:44] But my owners and humans can't hear my thoughts.

[7:46] Only you.

[7:47] And I'm like, this movie is setting up its rules hard.

[7:50] I love the rules.

[7:53] It's already like being like, OK, fuck you, Internet database goofsters like he's not

[7:58] going to be goose.

[7:59] I'm telling you like this.

[8:00] Yes, this isn't the same puppy that we know.

[8:04] And also, don't be like, why do we hear the dog's voice?

[8:08] But nobody else hears it.

[8:09] Look, these are Garfield rules.

[8:11] Are you not familiar with Garfield, you idiots?

[8:13] You know, but Russ has a lot of attitude.

[8:15] Russ is a dog with a lot of attitude, but it's also a kid's voice.

[8:18] So it's very funny when a kid is mispronouncing words or like slowly reading through words,

[8:23] but with attitude.

[8:26] Very, very Bart Simpson.

[8:27] Yes.

[8:28] Oh, yeah.

[8:29] You know, Bark Simpson, if you will.

[8:30] Oh, my God, I will.

[8:31] There's an overhead shot.

[8:32] Thank you for asking permission.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:34] You got to these days.

[8:35] You got to, you know, can't be too careful.

[8:36] Overhead shot.

[8:37] Jesus.

[8:38] No, I was saying California is a two is a do you need permission to for a pun?

[8:39] It's one of those states.

[8:40] It's a double permission state.

[8:41] So, yeah.

[8:42] Overhead shot of some excerpts.

[8:43] I'm not going to read it.

[8:50] It's a double permission state.

[8:52] So yeah, overhead shot of some excerpts and then a long shot of a beach.

[8:57] So does this movie take place?

[8:59] The house there in is that at the beach or is it in an excerpt far from the beach?

[9:03] Because we get kind of competing, establishing shots of where we're located.

[9:07] Later they go up to the woods.

[9:08] Of course, we see a stream a lot of times.

[9:09] But where is this?

[9:10] How other than Southern California, where is this house located?

[9:13] I don't know.

[9:15] Is that what does that coastline look like?

[9:18] Southern California?

[9:19] No, it does not.

[9:20] It looks like a Caribbean beach, like an island beach.

[9:23] Yeah, exactly.

[9:24] The beaches in Southern California don't tend to have palm trees on the sand and coconuts

[9:28] everywhere.

[9:29] Yeah.

[9:30] So Russ, he introduced himself to us.

[9:31] He's a dog.

[9:32] What kind of dog is he?

[9:33] A corgi.

[9:34] Yeah.

[9:35] A corgi.

[9:36] OK.

[9:37] He does not.

[9:38] You can't tell because he's swinging that fat ass all over the place.

[9:39] I only I couldn't tell because I'm like the queen of England is not here.

[9:42] So I guess it's not a corgi, but Russ is a corgi.

[9:45] He's real smug.

[9:46] He lives in a mansion.

[9:47] He is owned by his human, Jennifer Diamond.

[9:50] This is the same mansion from A Talking Cat, right?

[9:54] It's the same mansion from A Talking Cat.

[9:56] His owner, Jennifer, is also from A Talking Cat, although this is the actress Christine

[10:00] who Dan would know best from Alice in Wonderland and X-Rated Musical from 1976.

[10:04] I did, in fact, he did, in form. Stuart was like, she's from Talking Cat, right? And then he like

[10:09] looked up some other thing that she was in. I'm like, yeah, and the X-Rated Alice in Wonderland.

[10:13] Yeah, she's in fucking Meatballs.

[10:15] So much, and she's in Meatballs. So my joke about Dan being a perv was actually not a joke,

[10:19] but an accurate reporting.

[10:20] Yeah, I mean, I have not actually seen that movie. I just am aware.

[10:24] Okay.

[10:24] So, it's more of an intellectual perv.

[10:28] When it comes to Alice in Wonderland porn, you're more of a Three Girls fan.

[10:32] I don't know what that is.

[10:33] Wasn't that the Lost Girls, Lost Girls, that Alan Moore work?

[10:36] Oh no, Dan doesn't want us to talk about that.

[10:38] No, no. The one Alan Moore work where I'm like, I think I'm not going to read this.

[10:43] Yeah, let's do a skip on this one.

[10:46] Let's do a little skip.

[10:46] You know what, I think I'm going to use my hall pass on not reading this one, Alan.

[10:50] And maybe I'll just read Jerusalem again, see if I can get through it. So.

[10:54] Yeah, good luck.

[10:55] Jennifer Diamond, she is a mystery writer.

[10:57] We watch her dictating the end of a mystery novel into a tape recorder for a long time.

[11:02] She is dictating paragraphs of this novel into a tape recorder.

[11:06] You can tell this is a big budget movie because this writer, of course,

[11:10] is using one of those special laptops that has duct tape over the Apple logo.

[11:17] Yes, that's a special writer's only laptop. Yeah, yeah.

[11:20] Yeah, that's how you know that this is a high class production.

[11:23] Russ then introduced us to Jennifer's teen daughter, Lucy, who was also in A Talking Cat.

[11:28] Oh, yeah.

[11:28] She has a crush on Jake, the neighbor boy who just moved in next door.

[11:33] And yes, he was in A Talking Cat.

[11:35] And who was I don't think he was. I don't know.

[11:37] I don't know. Maybe he was. I don't remember.

[11:39] And Jennifer warns Lucy, do not trust men.

[11:41] I don't know. You were thinking of Eric Roberts.

[11:45] Jake is not Eric Roberts.

[11:47] No, no, he's not. Yeah.

[11:49] Russ finally gets around to saying, oh, hey, by the way,

[11:51] there's this Easter Bunny puppy story.

[11:53] I guess I'll tell it to you now.

[11:54] But first, there's some more beach and house exterior shots.

[11:57] Yeah. Jake escaped A Talking Cat.

[11:59] He was not.

[12:00] So the what?

[12:02] Jennifer Diamond, the writer, while she's dictating her latest mystery novel,

[12:08] she's wearing like a weird wig.

[12:10] Is that like a wig for her to get into the Miss Marbles character?

[12:15] I believe so.

[12:15] So you'll learn that she needs to kind of like visualize her stories

[12:20] and see them acted out in front of her,

[12:21] which is not a thing that a lot of writers do.

[12:23] But maybe some writers do it.

[12:25] I don't. Yeah.

[12:26] This was many times during this picture.

[12:29] I was like, this woman maybe is not cut out to be a writer

[12:32] because it seems like she has no imagination,

[12:36] suspension of disbelief, like ability to like visualize a thing

[12:40] without having someone dress up in costume and do it in front of her.

[12:44] All things that I have numbers don't line.

[12:47] Usually bestselling novelist.

[12:48] Dan, you might be right, because she's about to have her imagination

[12:51] challenged by her literary agent who faxes her a picture of the movie's poster,

[12:56] which says Easter Bunny Puppy and has that image of a puppy with with bunny ears on.

[13:00] And she's told by her agent, this is your new book.

[13:02] It's a family book.

[13:03] Your last mystery book didn't sell very well.

[13:05] So you're going to write a family holiday book.

[13:07] And she's like, what do I know about Easter?

[13:09] I'm Jewish.

[13:10] Does this happen a lot?

[13:11] And I will say sometimes my literary agent will be like,

[13:14] here's an idea that you might want to think about.

[13:16] Here's a kind of book that I think there's room for in the market.

[13:18] But he cannot send me a cover and say, you're writing this book now.

[13:22] And then maybe like, I got to do it.

[13:24] I guess he's my boss, you know.

[13:26] So no, this I assume doesn't happen this way.

[13:29] Same way.

[13:30] Anyway, they don't know much about Easter.

[13:32] They're Jewish.

[13:33] This their Jewish identity does not play into the rest of the movie.

[13:36] Particularly, they fit.

[13:38] They fall into this.

[13:38] Don't they go on like an exodus to the woods or something?

[13:41] That's very Jewish.

[13:43] If you take access to mean a leaving of one place for another place,

[13:46] then yes, I guess they do do an exodus in the woods.

[13:48] OK, so I'm right.

[13:49] OK, cool.

[13:49] Yeah, yeah.

[13:52] She talks to Lucy for a while.

[13:54] She's like, what if the bunny, the puppy is the bunny's assistant?

[13:57] And Jennifer is like, I need your help, Lucy.

[13:59] I need you to help me visualize this book.

[14:01] And Lucy's like, all right, I'll help you for two straight days.

[14:04] If you leave me alone the rest of spring break so I can go

[14:07] make out with Jake, the boy that I have a crush on who I've never talked to before.

[14:11] OK, that's interesting.

[14:11] So that's probably the only hijinks that happen in this movie.

[14:15] Oh, boy, Stuart, get ready for some hijinks.

[14:18] Also, that I'm going to help you for two days thing goes right out the window like that.

[14:21] There's no ticking clock to this one.

[14:23] Jennifer is dictating a story about an egg hatching, a bunny and a puppy.

[14:27] And Lucy is in an Easter Bunny costume acting it out so that Jennifer can visualize it.

[14:32] And they argue about how unrealistic this all is.

[14:34] But oh, there's a doorbell.

[14:36] The doorbell rings.

[14:37] Lucy, I think, forgets she's dressed as the Easter Bunny answers it.

[14:40] It's Jake and his mom, his mom, Beth, played by Lisa London,

[14:44] who Dan will remember best from Savage Beach and end a talking cat.

[14:49] And she's in the Hots also.

[14:51] I didn't realize that.

[14:52] Yeah, the so I guess Dan would know her best from Hots.

[14:56] The movie I've never actually seen.

[14:58] I've only ever.

[14:58] Oh, wow.

[14:59] I don't even know what it stands.

[15:00] Honestly, like, what does Hots stand for?

[15:02] You know, head over to Criterion.

[15:03] That's the question that the movie seeks to answer.

[15:06] But that's Dan's Criterion closet pick.

[15:11] He's like, where's Hots?

[15:12] I don't see it in here.

[15:12] Well, I'll just write Hots on one of these.

[15:14] I'll write Hots in this case for for Winter Light.

[15:16] Hold on a second.

[15:17] Yeah, reigning on the very steep curve of sex comedies.

[15:21] That one's actually kind of like sweet and nice because at least it's about a bunch of like

[15:27] horny sorority sisters who have like high high spirited hijinks rather than like

[15:32] horny dudes who do awful things.

[15:35] Oh, yeah.

[15:36] Well, so that's Dan's recommendation for today.

[15:38] Hots.

[15:38] Yeah, check out Hots, I guess.

[15:41] Not Hot to Trot.

[15:42] It's a different movie that's about a talking horse.

[15:45] Now, the level of production value is very low.

[15:50] The level of...

[15:50] In Hot to Trot?

[15:51] Well, I mean, well, I mean, in this movie, but Hot to Trot, it's not like it's a huge budget movie.

[15:55] You know, the level of lack of knowledge that this woman has about Easter and how much research

[16:01] she needs to do, would you say that that rings true as a man who is Jewish?

[16:05] Like, it's probably true that, you know, like Christianity hasn't just

[16:07] culturally steamrolled everything and put temples into the...

[16:13] It pretty much has.

[16:14] I would say if you are...

[16:16] I would say the fact that she's like, what even happens?

[16:18] An egg or whatever?

[16:19] I think if you're even if you're Jewish, you know that the Easter bunny has eggs.

[16:22] You know that people are collecting eggs.

[16:24] You don't necessarily...

[16:25] I don't know that every Jew knows that Easter...

[16:27] What is Easter's commemorating in the resurrection of Christ?

[16:30] Sure, but this movie doesn't appear to either.

[16:31] I'm not sure all Christians know that Easter represents the resurrection of Christ.

[16:35] This is a completely secular version of Easter that is presented here.

[16:40] There's no mention of the Bible.

[16:42] In some ways, this is the most insidious form of Christian culture entangling secular culture

[16:48] because it's like, hey, you don't even need to be Christian to celebrate Easter.

[16:52] Like, just come on and collect these eggs with us.

[16:54] Hey, come on.

[16:55] It's just fun.

[16:56] It's just about fun and finding eggs.

[16:57] Hey, have you heard the good news?

[16:59] He did it.

[17:00] He grabbed the egg.

[17:02] Swarm, swarm, swarm.

[17:03] Yeah.

[17:04] Torture him until he converts.

[17:06] That's how they did it in the Spanish Inquisition.

[17:07] Can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery anymore.

[17:09] They were like, Jews, why don't you come and collect some eggs?

[17:12] Oh, we like eggs.

[17:13] Sure, of course.

[17:13] Swarm, swarm, torture him, convert him.

[17:15] That's how they did it.

[17:16] A lot of Dracula.

[17:16] Yeah, was that Dracula that did that?

[17:18] Dracula was undercover as part of...

[17:20] He was undercover as a vampire investigating the Spanish Inquisition

[17:23] because they thought it would be fun.

[17:24] I don't drink colored eggs.

[17:27] Well, you wouldn't drink them, Dracula.

[17:28] Perhaps this egg is full of blood.

[17:30] No, it's just an egg, Dracula.

[17:32] There's no blood in it.

[17:33] There's a little bit in the embryo.

[17:37] Perhaps it is full of delicious albumen.

[17:40] Is that a thing that you like, Dracula?

[17:42] I have a variety of likes and dislikes.

[17:46] It's not just blood for me.

[17:47] Just because I don't drink wine doesn't mean I don't like other things.

[17:51] I contain multitudes.

[17:54] Don't limit me based on your preconceived notions of what a vampire is like.

[17:59] So you don't drink blood.

[18:00] Of course I do.

[18:00] I love it.

[18:03] But everyone thinks I just walk around in a cape and a tuxedo

[18:07] and like a weird medal that I must have gotten in some ancient war.

[18:10] You don't do that?

[18:10] Well, of course I do it, but it's not the only thing I wear.

[18:13] I wear other things sometimes.

[18:14] It's really cool.

[18:14] If I'm going to go do hot yoga, I don't wear this outfit.

[18:18] Do you do hot yoga, Dracula?

[18:20] Not too hot.

[18:23] Wow, he's doing some shtick.

[18:25] Yes, it's slowly turning into Hotel Transylvania.

[18:29] So Lucy, forgetting she's dressed as the Easter Bunny...

[18:31] Is that how you tell them the Catskills?

[18:35] I don't want to talk about Dracula and the Catskills because then we started

[18:37] getting into anti-Semitic vampire tropes.

[18:41] Catskills?

[18:42] I wouldn't kill a cat.

[18:43] No, Dracula, that's not what it means.

[18:45] Calm down, buddy.

[18:46] Yeah, it's Dutch.

[18:46] It means something different.

[18:47] So Lucy, she forgets she's dressed as the Easter Bunny.

[18:49] She answers the door for Jake and her mom.

[18:51] She's so embarrassed and she gets mad at her mom.

[18:53] And Jennifer's like, but I need your help.

[18:56] I got to write this book.

[18:58] We'll have to celebrate Easter this year.

[19:00] Cut to the egg dying montage.

[19:03] Okay, so they die Easter eggs.

[19:05] I timed it at four and a half straight minutes of screen time.

[19:09] Roughly four minutes, you know, give or take a few seconds.

[19:12] And it's just them dying eggs the same kitchen counter where the camera pans back and forth

[19:16] along the counter, occasionally dissolving to the same shot of the camera panning back and forth.

[19:21] Guys...

[19:22] Some of those shots are looped.

[19:24] Yeah, that's true.

[19:25] As the actors make small talk to one another that we cannot hear.

[19:29] It's rounded up by the music.

[19:30] Yeah, some sort of Casio library music is playing.

[19:33] And how did you guys feel while watching this?

[19:36] Did you feel like it would never end?

[19:37] And this is just your life forever now?

[19:39] Just watching them die eggs?

[19:41] It's kind of beautiful.

[19:42] When the first, you know, like, and I said, this is the second time I've seen an Easter Bunny.

[19:46] So you were prepared for this?

[19:48] Yeah.

[19:48] No skips.

[19:49] I was waiting for this to happen.

[19:51] I was gonna react.

[19:53] It is.

[19:54] It is one of those times you're like...

[19:55] I think what happened was watching the realization that this was still going on, dawning on...

[20:00] Me at first, Stuart seemed disinterested.

[20:02] And then the more and more I'm like, really?

[20:05] Yeah, Stuart again.

[20:06] Yeah, it was hampered a little bit by Stuart checking his phone.

[20:11] So he didn't like notice for a while.

[20:13] Very natural and understandable.

[20:15] That's why you got to watch these things in the theater, you know?

[20:18] Well, when I watched it the first time around

[20:21] with the group, like Audrey was could not stop laughing

[20:25] and started just like extending past the point of madness.

[20:28] She couldn't stop.

[20:30] It is audacious the way that this movie wastes the time of the people

[20:34] watching it with long establishing shots of unrelated places with this sequence.

[20:39] Like this movie is like you have a limited amount of life on this earth.

[20:42] And I'm going to use up.

[20:43] I'm going to suck up as much of it as I can for no reason.

[20:46] You know, I guess it's a it's a moment like this where.

[20:49] Yeah, it's a moment like this where you realize Russ's comment

[20:52] that this movie is going to be 90 minutes long.

[20:55] You realize that's a threat.

[20:57] Oh, that wasn't a promise.

[20:59] It was a warning. Yeah.

[21:01] So they they they die eggs for a long time

[21:05] and inspires the mom for an idea about a mutant bunny puppy chicken.

[21:08] But that leads into a story about how

[21:11] Lucy's mom was almost a bunny before she met Lucy's dad.

[21:15] This is the kind of winking reference that all good kids movies do to the fact

[21:18] that one of the lead actresses did pose for Playboy in the 1970s.

[21:21] So that's a little Easter egg, pun intended for all the vintage

[21:27] porn collectors in the audience for this family film.

[21:29] Yeah, I do know that, you know, teenagers are clearly like they're insecure.

[21:35] They aren't necessarily thinking rationally about things like that,

[21:38] like everything perspective is not high on a teenager skill set.

[21:44] But it is ridiculous to the point like we'll see later on

[21:48] how ridiculous it is, the level at which this

[21:53] teen girl is having like is worried about

[21:57] her crush, seeing her in a bunny suit around Easter,

[22:01] you know, as if like no one has ever found it like cute.

[22:05] That might happen.

[22:06] I wonder I wonder if it's just maybe he knows she's Jewish and he's like,

[22:09] are you blaspheming and and and

[22:13] are like taunting the sacraments?

[22:16] Is that what you're doing?

[22:17] You dressed up in an Easter bunny costume so that you could

[22:20] so that you could put on some sort of satirical pageant

[22:24] making making light of my beliefs.

[22:26] I mean, I don't think that the secular elements of Easter

[22:29] are cared that much about from that perspective.

[22:31] I don't know, Dan.

[22:32] We live in a country where a lot of people get very mad

[22:34] when the people at Wal-Mart say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

[22:36] So I don't know. That's true. Yeah.

[22:39] So anyway, I know that I will probably get in trouble

[22:41] for what I'm going to say about this, which is that.

[22:43] Wow. Don't care about Easter.

[22:44] Don't like Easter bunnies. Don't don't care about it.

[22:46] But any holiday where someone's going to hand me chocolate

[22:50] in the shape of an animal,

[22:51] I can get on board for that aspect of the holiday.

[22:53] Yeah, sure. I like chocolate. I like animals.

[22:55] I like eating both of them.

[22:56] So, yeah, I'm not a huge I'm not a huge Easter fan,

[22:59] but I am a huge fan of Critters, too.

[23:02] So I guess, yeah, that takes place in Easter.

[23:04] Yeah. Yeah.

[23:05] And to make the connection with the audience,

[23:07] maybe our audience is familiar with Critters to turn this episode off.

[23:11] Go watch.

[23:11] I mean, much the same way that to me, Christmas is the Gremlins holiday.

[23:15] Dan, so you're the only one who came from a background of like extreme faith.

[23:19] You know, you were raised in a in a household that was strictly Calvinist.

[23:22] Right. Yeah, we're extreme.

[23:24] What do you feel? A lot of snowboarding.

[23:26] This isn't your daddy's Jesus.

[23:28] A lot of a lot of inline skating with sermons.

[23:31] What was what was your what's your feeling about Easter?

[23:36] Clearly, it is the sort of cornerstone

[23:41] religious holiday for Christianity, more so than like in a religious sense,

[23:45] more so than Christmas, which is just like, OK, this person was born.

[23:49] Whereas like the the the resurrection and the crucifixion

[23:53] and the resurrection are kind of the point of that.

[23:55] Ultimately, more important than the birth. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

[23:57] But it's what makes him it's what, in theory, makes Jesus

[24:01] more than just a guy with some interesting ideas.

[24:05] Have you heard of him?

[24:05] His name was Jesus.

[24:06] And I'd like to tell you a story about an extreme red dude he was.

[24:09] But culturally, like it never made much of a an impact on me

[24:14] because I'm like, well, Christmas is the good one.

[24:16] You get all these presents like I don't care about like getting up in the morning.

[24:20] I enjoyed it.

[24:22] Like, yeah, like I'll I'll get up in the morning

[24:23] and find some eggs that we died the other day

[24:27] so they don't sneak up the house when we can't find them.

[24:30] And I'll have some chocolate in a little basket.

[24:32] But chocolate and hard boiled eggs. Yeah.

[24:35] You're right. Yeah.

[24:37] So it's good that I have a it's good that I have a Bible scholar

[24:40] and a comic scholar here, because I have a question for you.

[24:44] Is Lobo a thinly veiled Jesus Christ figure?

[24:48] Why? Well, I come back many times.

[24:51] He's died and come back.

[24:53] He's got a similar hair and beard style.

[24:55] He's been to heaven and taught and dealt with the angels.

[24:58] Yeah, I would say no.

[25:02] Yeah, I'm going to add my voice to the course of nose.

[25:06] I think I think Jesus did a lot less smoking cigars and fragging bastitches.

[25:11] So in his time, it's in the Apocrypha, Elliot.

[25:14] That's how it's said.

[25:17] And low to the son of God, frag the best.

[25:21] For anyone who's not familiar with Lobo, that's OK.

[25:25] He really doesn't like fastidious, though.

[25:27] He really doesn't like him. He likes to brag.

[25:29] Yeah, he's the last Czarnian, you know.

[25:32] So this is a space bounty hunter who rides around on a space motorcycle.

[25:36] Spade rides on a space motorcycle. That's right.

[25:37] And and and there's something lemmy ish about his look, you know.

[25:42] He's kind of what like if any of a social 12 year old was like,

[25:46] what would be the best comic? Yeah, pretty much.

[25:49] Yeah. Yeah. And he has a dog.

[25:50] Yeah. A dog. But doesn't he have a daughter?

[25:53] Didn't they? Yes, he does have a daughter.

[25:54] I wrote a comic once that she was in. I forgot her name, though.

[25:57] She was a member of the Teen Titans for a little bit.

[25:59] Lobo's daughter. Yeah.

[26:00] Not a great dad. No.

[26:02] Yeah. Let's say nothing would indicate that he would be.

[26:05] No, I don't think so.

[26:07] So Russ has been away for a while.

[26:09] Well, they've been dying these eggs.

[26:10] Who wouldn't want to go away for a while?

[26:12] Well, they're dying these eggs.

[26:13] And Jake returns him.

[26:15] And Jake and Lucy hang out a little bit.

[26:16] And Jake reveals that his dad is in prison for a jewel robbery

[26:19] or rather a Fabergé egg robbery that he says he didn't commit.

[26:23] And he and his mom are going to go back to their old home for a traditional Easter.

[26:27] The old home that they were ostracized from because his dad was

[26:31] is a jailed convicted felon.

[26:33] They still go back every year for the Easter egg hunt.

[26:35] It's tradition. They just can't.

[26:36] They just can't avoid it. They love it.

[26:38] So wait, their old home was in like a log cabin in the woods.

[26:42] Yeah, like a campsite.

[26:44] They're like home that they have fled to is in what has to be

[26:47] some kind of affluent L.A.

[26:49] supper. It looks like it's like Covina or something like that.

[26:52] Like it's not a place where you can get a huge house for not that much money,

[26:55] I'm guessing, because it's just like in the middle of nowhere.

[26:57] That's my guess.

[26:58] Although the shots, the shots of Caribbean beach make it seem like it's on a beach.

[27:03] It's very recent.

[27:04] It's the very much the kind of house from.

[27:06] It's the kind of house you rent for for a film shoot,

[27:09] for an independent movie or a porno movie.

[27:11] Yeah, big rooms with lots of windows.

[27:12] There's a staircase that kind of winds around the inside of the house.

[27:16] You know, there's like a car parked in the living room.

[27:19] That's the funniest thing is as some kind of art piece.

[27:21] They have just the body of a VW bug in the middle of the in the middle of the house,

[27:25] which is I've never seen that, to be honest, in my time in L.A.

[27:28] But maybe I'm not going to the right houses.

[27:30] So she goes, he's like, you know, we're going after this Easter egg hunt.

[27:34] Easter egg hunt.

[27:35] She he's the Easter egg hunt.

[27:36] She said that could have been the name of the movie.

[27:38] Yeah. An Easter egg hunt?

[27:40] Question mark.

[27:40] And so she tells him that wasn't me dressed as a bunny.

[27:43] That was my twin sister, Marion, who wears glasses and loves Easter.

[27:48] And Lucy and her mom agree to go to the Easter egg hunt.

[27:50] But now she has to pretend to be sisters.

[27:52] Oh, no. I the speed at which like we're doing the actual

[27:59] this summary part of it, like

[28:02] we don't listen for new first time listeners.

[28:05] Dan's not implying that we usually narrate the movies in real time.

[28:08] No, no. But the speed is great.

[28:10] Don't get me wrong.

[28:11] But I think that it it glosses over a little bit.

[28:15] Yeah. The degree to which like.

[28:17] So this teen girl was so distressed by her crush, seeing her

[28:23] in a bunny costume around Easter.

[28:25] So distressed by how she was dressed.

[28:27] Yeah. That she is going to pretend that she is one half of a pair of twins.

[28:32] And it was the other loony twin that did that.

[28:36] Yes. But she's a cool girl who is, you know, ready to make out.

[28:42] So that's that's the shenanigans.

[28:44] The kind of tight shenanigans you'd expect from an episode of Fawlty Towers.

[28:48] But in this case, it is an Easter bunny puppy.

[28:51] Yeah. Yeah.

[28:51] I mean, it really shows you that this is sitcom level.

[28:54] This is like 70s or 80s sitcom level plotting that they have stretched out

[28:57] through long Easter egg dying montages and shots.

[29:00] And a talking dog. Beaches and streams.

[29:02] Yeah. And and the dog is it's very funny how little of an element

[29:07] the dog and his talking are in this movie about the Easter bunny puppy.

[29:10] He's ostensibly the narrator, but he mostly just says things like,

[29:13] oh, boy, humans are so weird or like.

[29:15] I will say, though, you're crazy.

[29:17] That kind of stuff.

[29:18] The kid who is doing this is doing a great job.

[29:22] You know, like as you say, the kid is a kid.

[29:24] We'll just pronounce stuff.

[29:26] But it is very funny to me sometimes when they cut to like the dog

[29:31] reacting just because of the kid's voice.

[29:34] It looks like he's now, you know, he's now older and he looks like

[29:38] according to his IMDb that he's doing a lot of like working in production

[29:40] for various TV shows.

[29:41] Oh, that's nice. So

[29:44] an Easter bunny puppy, I think, is still his major credit.

[29:46] Maybe it inspired him to work.

[29:48] But this dog is the sanest character in the movie

[29:51] because it exists to be like, what?

[29:54] Why are you doing that?

[29:55] Well, he's the he's the Garfield and everyone else is John Arbuckle.

[29:58] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[30:00] So, uh, Mom and Lucy, they drive to the cabin for a while as they discuss this new Marion character,

[30:05] because Mom has to be in on it so that she doesn't blow her cover that she has two daughters.

[30:09] What I love is that this is another one of David DeCoteau, uh, like signatures.

[30:14] Trademarks? Yeah.

[30:15] Is the, is the driving sequence where it takes like four or five minutes,

[30:20] and it's just tons of shots of the car going around curvy roads.

[30:25] And also, I noticed during this, like, Stuart was pointing out that he favors, uh,

[30:31] a close-up from just below the person's face.

[30:35] And then in the car, he shot the dog the same way.

[30:42] He likes to give a sense of grandeur and majesty.

[30:46] Slightly, the camera shakes slightly to give you that kind of, uh, that guerrilla filmmaking.

[30:53] Yeah, like a gorilla has the camera.

[30:57] Yeah, that's classic guerrilla filmmaking.

[31:00] So, um, uh, Russ complains, he's like, my humans, they do these silly things,

[31:05] but I'm compelled to help them when they're in trouble.

[31:08] I don't know what help he's claiming that he's providing to anyone in this movie.

[31:13] I mean, eventually he will. Eventually he'll solve all of their problems.

[31:16] By accident. By accident. I mean, he'll save them, I guess, at the end.

[31:19] Right away, Lucy has to pretend to be Marian for Jake.

[31:22] Now, tell me, is this like a Dead Ringer-style tour de force,

[31:26] where there's clearly two different personalities at work here?

[31:29] How different are Marian and Lucy?

[31:32] Um, I mean, she does, like, glasses.

[31:36] Yeah, she ups the, like, I'm awkward for, uh, the, was it Marian, is that the one?

[31:43] Yes, Marian, the librarian.

[31:45] I mean, I, I think that this, uh, like, she puts in a fine performance for the level of film that this is.

[31:54] Like, she's, like, doing her best, you know?

[31:57] Like, everyone is, like, weirdly committed, even though the movie, uh, lets them down at every turn.

[32:03] Ha! Um, so the two other teen guys come by while they're talking, and they, uh,

[32:09] That's too many teens.

[32:11] Jasper and Kenny.

[32:12] And, uh, Jasper is the nice one, and Kenny is the kind of dickish one.

[32:16] And these two teen guys, they come by, they're like,

[32:17] Hey, Jake, where'd your dad hide the stolen jewels?

[32:19] At first, I thought they were bullies.

[32:21] They talk like Flash Thompson talks to Peter Parker.

[32:23] But then it turns out they're friends of his, kind of.

[32:26] Um, and Jake-

[32:27] It's a thin line when you deal with teenage boys.

[32:29] That's true.

[32:30] Or a podcast.

[32:32] It's, it's a constant-

[32:33] Whatever do you mean, Daniel?

[32:35] Whatever do you mean, Dan, you piece of shit?

[32:38] That was too far.

[32:39] Um, they, uh, the nice friend, Jasper, he loves Lucy's mom's books.

[32:44] He's a big fan.

[32:45] He wants to be a detective someday.

[32:46] I thought this was foreshadowing for him to kind of solve the mystery of what

[32:50] happened with the Fabergé egg.

[32:51] No.

[32:52] Just a throwaway line.

[32:53] Doesn't matter.

[32:54] Yeah.

[32:55] Well, no, it's a way to get him in that bunny costume.

[32:57] I guess that's true, yeah.

[32:58] They ask, uh, if Lucy has a sister.

[33:00] And, and Jake's like, yeah, sure, I do.

[33:03] Jake's like, she does.

[33:05] And Lucy goes, uh, my sister's napping.

[33:07] And they, they go, well, we'll wait here and help your mom with her book

[33:10] while we wait for your sister to wake up so we can-

[33:13] These guys are hard up.

[33:15] They're, they're so, they are so, they're such horndogs for a girl they have

[33:19] not met and they've just been told exists.

[33:21] Yeah.

[33:22] I mean, sometimes the fantasy is more exciting than reality, you know?

[33:25] I guess that's true.

[33:26] I was very nervous when she, he's like, yeah, we'll stay behind with your mom

[33:29] and help her out with her project.

[33:31] I was like, uh-oh.

[33:32] I haven't seen-

[33:33] I've seen a lot of videos like this that I wouldn't call family fun.

[33:35] Well, that's what I, that's what I wanted to get to.

[33:37] Because, like, I haven't seen any of David Ducato's, uh, like, looter projects.

[33:42] It seems like he has a sideline in soft-ish, uh, core film.

[33:48] I mean, I don't even know how sexual they are.

[33:50] I thought you were a true fan, dude.

[33:51] But they seem like they're, like, uh, soft-core sexy movies.

[33:54] And there's something about this scene that, like, is setting up a weird, like,

[34:00] uh, love triangle.

[34:02] And then, yes, the later scene where, like, the, the, the writer employs these

[34:08] older teen boys to, like, hey, like, come with me and act out these scenarios.

[34:13] That, this movie always feels like it might take a hard left turn and,

[34:17] into the wrong drive and go down, uh, into a sex picture.

[34:22] But it never does.

[34:23] No, it, there's a lot of the way that he makes this that feels like he's making

[34:27] a, like, a, a family film in the style of pornography.

[34:30] Exactly.

[34:31] Like, in the style of, like, low-budget but not amateur pornography.

[34:35] And it's very weird.

[34:36] It's just a very weird feel that, uh, I would not.

[34:39] Oh, wow, he's got three movies coming out this year.

[34:42] He works.

[34:43] Three movies already out this year.

[34:44] He works a lot.

[34:45] The Wrong Marriage and The Wrong Obsession, I wonder if you know.

[34:47] Oh, I forgot, I forgot he directed, uh, Sorority Babes and the Slimeball Bolorama.

[34:51] Mm-hmm.

[34:52] I'm looking up his credits right now.

[34:53] Uh.

[34:54] Classic.

[34:55] Yeah.

[34:56] Classic to the annals of titles of movies.

[34:57] Classic to the annals of movies I see at the video store and never actually have watched.

[35:01] Yeah.

[35:02] Yeah.

[35:03] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:04] When you're at the video store, you know, once a week when you're picking up tapes

[35:06] to watch with your family.

[35:07] Things that were on.

[35:08] Usually when I'm getting Reveillance 2 again.

[35:09] Yeah.

[35:10] USA Up All Night.

[35:11] And he directed Test Tube Teens from the year 2000.

[35:14] Oh, okay.

[35:15] Sure.

[35:16] Yeah.

[35:17] Man's got a way with titles, huh?

[35:18] Yeah, sure.

[35:19] He's done a bunch of Puppet Master movies.

[35:20] Oh, yeah, this, this is like a, he's made a whole bunch of these movies in The Wrong

[35:24] Series, like The Wrong Mommy, The Wrong Boy Next Door, The Wrong Stepmother.

[35:29] Bikini Goddesses.

[35:30] The Wrong Teacher.

[35:31] Man, this dude's crushing it.

[35:32] Petticoat Planet.

[35:33] I wish, you know, I wish I had it all fucking figured out like this.

[35:37] Oh, he did Puppet Master 3, Stuart.

[35:39] He did a lot of Puppet Masters.

[35:40] He did Retro Puppet Masters starring Greg Sestero.

[35:42] He did a series called The Brotherhood, which is, I guess, horror movies, I guess, homoerotic

[35:46] horror movies.

[35:47] I've never seen these, but there's somehow six of them.

[35:49] So.

[35:50] I mean, hey, we can change that.

[35:51] Creepazoids.

[35:53] You know, Shocktober's right around the corner, at least.

[35:55] That's true.

[35:57] That's a good point.

[35:58] Apparently, I guess he did a movie called.

[35:59] Oh, I remember when that came out.

[36:00] Never mind.

[36:01] Never mind.

[36:02] Yeah, he does.

[36:03] But lately he's gone into.

[36:04] Well, you know what?

[36:05] He proliferates.

[36:06] He's got a, he's got a very diverse portfolio of works.

[36:09] You know, clearly he puts a lot of care into each of them.

[36:13] So, but you got to, you got to.

[36:15] I mean, this is the thing also that the I think it's very easy to valorize the kind

[36:22] of crap makers of the of the olden days of movies.

[36:27] And but it's harder to recognize the and celebrate the crap makers of today.

[36:32] You know, you can you can spend all your time talking about your Herschel Gordon

[36:35] Lewis's and Ray Dennis Seckler's and stuff like that.

[36:38] But, you know, there's still people work in those those same well-worn fields of

[36:42] garbage that is just there to fill screens, you know, and more power to them.

[36:47] You know, they're keeping America alive in some way or another.

[36:50] Anyway.

[36:51] So Jen asked the two boys they can help with the book.

[36:53] They say, sure.

[36:54] Lucy and Jake take Russ for a walk and they talk about Marion.

[36:57] And Russ is so grossed out by the thought of human kissing that he just poops to

[37:01] break the moment.

[37:03] I thought he just farted, but maybe he pooped.

[37:05] Oh, they make it.

[37:06] I mean, they talk about it like he poops.

[37:07] But, you know, the boys are helping Jennifer act out her story.

[37:10] And that's when Jake's mom brought the costumes.

[37:12] I really love with the costumes.

[37:13] They're wearing the costumes.

[37:14] And Jake's mom comes by with her friend, Mr.

[37:16] Courtney Scammon, who is so clear and so clear.

[37:20] He committed the crime that Jake's dad went to jail for.

[37:23] He's so suspicious.

[37:24] There's no mystery whatsoever.

[37:26] It's so obvious.

[37:27] His name is Scammon.

[37:28] It's such a Charles Dickens name.

[37:30] Like, well, what do I call this criminal character?

[37:32] I'm about larceny do bad.

[37:35] You know, Jake's mom wants totally oblivious to this, wants to set up Mr.

[37:42] Scammon and Jennifer as an item.

[37:44] Who knows?

[37:45] Maybe it'll happen.

[37:46] Jake's mom learns the story of Jake's dad, Marcus.

[37:48] He was accused of stealing a golden Faberge egg.

[37:51] She has since become an expert on Faberge eggs and has a little she has a

[37:56] whole book of them and gives a little explainer about what Faberge eggs were,

[37:59] where they come from, their history.

[38:01] And Jennifer goes, hmm, if I was Miss Marbles, I would guess that an egg

[38:05] like that would be hard to transport.

[38:07] It must be hidden nearby.

[38:09] And we see that Russ has started digging a hole.

[38:12] What's in that hole, Dan?

[38:13] Now, why was it hard to transport in that hole?

[38:15] Dan?

[38:16] Well, the egg, the egg is, as we all later learn, it fits neatly in a bag

[38:20] and can be carried around by a puppy.

[38:22] Yeah, nobody noticing.

[38:23] Totally.

[38:24] Yeah.

[38:25] Third or a quarter of the size of an actual Faberge Faberge.

[38:29] Wow.

[38:30] Dan, we have our own Faberge expert in here.

[38:34] Faberge expert.

[38:35] Now, Dan, tell us more about the fascinating world of Faberge.

[38:41] They're a bunch of eggs.

[38:43] There's only so many of them.

[38:45] Lionel Faberge.

[38:47] They're fancy.

[38:48] Yeah.

[38:49] And they're expensive.

[38:50] Okay.

[38:51] They're expensive because there's only a few of them and they're fancy.

[38:53] And now when you go to Easter egg hunting, do you hunt for those eggs?

[38:56] No.

[38:57] Well, at Dan's house he does because he's super rich.

[38:59] But are they expensive?

[39:02] Because they don't really do anything.

[39:04] What do you want them to do, like a Yoshi come out of them?

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] That seems like for that price, that's the minimum you should expect.

[39:10] Don't overpromise, buddy.

[39:11] Or like if I'm driving my car and I fall asleep at the wheel,

[39:14] the Faberge egg will take the wheel and get me home safe.

[39:17] Okay.

[39:18] Well, now we're living in a fantasy world, Stuart.

[39:21] How much am I paying for this thing?

[39:24] It's a Faberge fantasy of designated egg drivers.

[39:30] Thank you.

[39:33] So anyway, moving forward.

[39:37] Yeah.

[39:38] Russ has started digging up the egg.

[39:40] Okay, great.

[39:42] Lucy shows up as clumsy Marion for Jasper and Kenny.

[39:45] She says, oh, no, she's allergic to plastic eggs.

[39:47] She's making up lie after lie.

[39:49] She's trying so hard to make them uninterested.

[39:53] It only makes them want her more.

[39:54] It only makes them more attracted, yeah.

[39:56] She's just spinning a tangled web, you know?

[39:58] Yeah, and she's catching these flies in her tank.

[40:00] Goldweb for sure and Russ thinks that Lucy is bonkers but Lucy is excited she

[40:05] thinks she's convinced the boys that Marion is the bonkers one but Russ he

[40:10] says the boys haven't given up and he's gonna go finish digging that hole he

[40:14] does not know Russ knows better than Lucy does teen boys they'll take it

[40:19] they'll take a girl who's a little a little loony if they think it'll lead

[40:22] them to sometimes I'll prefer it yes sometimes it would think that a little

[40:25] lead them to some lip-on-lip kissing action you know now Dan is that the

[40:29] grossest way I could have described kissing it really was like so much

[40:33] grosser yeah really weird pitch for Elliot to be a staff writer for Tiger

[40:39] Beat 40 ways to improve your lip-on-lip kissing it's something to call it the

[40:45] most intimate type of kiss one person's whole of a mouth goes on another

[40:49] person's whole of a mouth the fleshy protuberances that surrounds the whole

[40:53] touch each other and caress each other in different lascivious ways Dan how do

[40:58] you think you're the editor of Tiger Beat are you accepting this article but

[41:05] inside that hole lives a fleshy tentacle that also wants to get in on the action

[41:09] it's called the tongue and it's very wet the tongue as humans love muscle some

[41:19] call it the strongest muscle in the human body and it certainly wants to

[41:22] wrestle with opponents in other mouths that's right the tongue wants nothing

[41:26] more to challenge and compete you have to keep it in a separate mouth or else

[41:31] it will try to attack until death the tongue in another mouth this I like

[41:35] better left sexuality far behind yeah this is effectively an aeon flux yes one

[41:47] specific way this erotic competition between tongues can have only one winner

[41:51] that's right because the tongue that wins eats the tongue that loses it's

[41:55] happening so Jennifer doesn't have any ideas for the book rest feels mr. scam

[41:59] and is hiding something and Russ says to the audience keep watching and you'll

[42:02] find out another threat the next day the Easter egg hunt it's deserted for some

[42:08] reason why is that then we see a brief flashback mr. scam and put out a road

[42:12] closed sign to stop people from going to the Easter hunt because he is going to

[42:16] look for his Easter egg with a suspiciously fakely weathered antique

[42:20] map and it's like you buried this egg you stole it and buried it why is your

[42:24] map burned and weathered and escape room I also love this shot if I'm

[42:31] putting the road closed thing up because you can fully see that the science has

[42:34] road closed when he's putting it up over there but the camera feels the need then

[42:37] to drift down yeah honestly just show that it says road

[42:40] clouds I like that it's in black shot in black yeah so the Easter egg hunt is

[42:47] deserted I guess they were the only ones whose houses were located after that

[42:51] point in the road and he does he Jake's mom is like why don't we hunt eggs

[42:54] together and he's like only men hunt a man hunt on their own it's a it's an

[42:58] alpha male thing it's such he's in Lucy territory here with his strange lies

[43:03] that he's telling the boys show up for Lucy and Marianne and Lucy starts

[43:06] getting tripped up by her lot lies and the boys are that Jasper and Kenny are

[43:10] like okay we'll go find Marianne as Lucy goes out with Jake and Russ we get a lot

[43:14] of nature photography because again somebody just needs to explain to Lucy

[43:18] that teenage boys are dumb yeah and they can be easily tricked yes oh very

[43:23] much so yeah that you know that's why they're falling into tiger pits all the

[43:27] time or responding to duck calls yeah by the bad guy in the black phone yeah

[43:35] exactly oh boy boy teen boys are falling for black phone all the time oh man he's

[43:41] pretty cool that's one of the that's where the largest sources were the

[43:44] biggest sources of teen boy trickery in America today is black that's what when

[43:50] you're in high school they're like they separate the girls into one gym and the

[43:54] boys into the other gym and the boys learn about black phone and how to avoid

[43:58] it and all the dangers and they're too busy like playing with fidget spinners

[44:02] and whatnot yeah exactly if they're all robloxing and minecrafting and things

[44:06] like that fortnighting so you've talked to your son's about this

[44:12] I haven't yet sat them down and had the talk by which I mean they talk about

[44:16] black phone I know I'm worried they're not ready for it yet

[44:18] now what about Blackstone have you talked about the dangers of Harry

[44:21] Blackstone I have talked about the dangers of Harry Blackstone many times he might

[44:24] spirit you away with his magic powers exactly I tell them about that I said

[44:28] don't let him mention you guys mentioned Blackstone you of course are talking

[44:32] about the the element not lith which is what the Blackstone fortresses have been

[44:37] created by that Abaddon's forces he used to attack the Imperium of man

[44:42] my children yes it's very important yeah I talked about that and I took I talked

[44:47] about the birds and the bees by which I mean Stuart kind of birds and bees they

[44:51] have in Warhammer that we can say oh there's there's birds and then there

[44:57] would be bees right you think the grim dark world of the future would have

[45:04] bees in it come on although maybe honey is too sweet for that horrible universe

[45:08] so mr. scam and he has as we said a pirate map of some kind and he's looking

[45:14] for his beverage egg Lucy and Jake hunt for eggs now this is the next what I

[45:18] would call filler segment we're over over six minutes of screen time we watch

[45:23] various characters looking around for eggs as their dialogue is mostly drowned

[45:27] out by the music and how much look at you just ejaculating throughout this

[45:31] whole thing but how long it went the beauty of this was also that the eggs

[45:36] are just sort of on the ground in a line they're hidden anywhere it's not

[45:40] like they're like there's one there's another one hunting me walking around a

[45:44] 10 foot by 10 foot square patch filled with a I mean you would think black phone

[45:49] had put these eggs out to trap these teenagers so there's a lot of this Lucy

[45:56] and Jake they're about to kiss when Russ runs off and Jake follows him and Lucy

[46:00] overhears Kenny insulting Jasper because Jasper brought some flowers for Marian

[46:04] and Kenny is like you idiot girls don't like flowers you put us like he's mean

[46:10] and so she puts on her glasses and pretends to be Marian to make Jasper

[46:13] feel better and even kisses him on the cheek oh Jake walks up not until I kind

[46:18] of condense some things Jake then finds Russ he doesn't notice that Russ dug up

[46:22] the gold egg and he goes okay Russ you can have the egg and stuffs it in his

[46:25] collar but he walks up as Lucy pretending to be Marian has just kissed

[46:30] Jasper on the cheek and she has to reveal she lied to everybody there's no

[46:34] Marian it was all a hoax not since not since uh since uh since the movie

[46:40] sisters has there been a bigger twist involving sisters in a movie and so

[46:45] Jake's a real Twelfth Night situation right yeah very Twelfth Night situation

[46:50] oh boy and they have both been malvolioed on this one and that does not

[46:53] feel good man no that's my greatest fear is to be

[46:56] malvolioed to be forced to wear yellow stockings and then stuffed in a box

[47:00] that's the kind of thing that black phone might do you know various black

[47:10] phone sounds like a villain from like a from like a kid's cartoon or something

[47:13] or a sly lock box or something yeah yeah so Jake and Jasper they're both upset

[47:19] meanwhile scam and finds where he'd he bear the egg oh it's not there anymore

[47:23] he somehow knows a dog did it he doesn't know which dog but he knows it only

[47:27] under a not very deep in a not very deep hole under a little bit of say of sand

[47:33] right next to a parking lot yeah it doesn't seem like the best hiding spot

[47:39] or hiding job yeah seems like a child with it with a pail and a little plastic

[47:44] shovel could have found this egg pretty easily the diamonds are Lucy is so upset

[47:49] that Jennifer and Lucy are just gonna leave and go home and scam and decides

[47:52] he's gonna follow because he's got to get his egg back oh they took me a go I

[47:57] need me a back well this is also near around here is really I think Lisa

[48:01] London is like we gotta go home because I have laryngeal voice has been so faint

[48:09] expect even when she's delivering her Fabergé egg history monologue and I was

[48:12] like I guess it's just her voice and then that way she's like I think I have

[48:16] laryngitis the next scene her voice is fine so clearly he shot the isn't out of

[48:20] order but this movie usually is but it's so funny that it's like that they

[48:24] felt like after so long they finally had to mention the laryngitis yes they

[48:28] thought they could get away with not mentioning it for that long yeah but it

[48:31] had gotten so bad that they're like okay we have to actually say something about

[48:35] it in the movie and clearly they only had you know like three filming days or

[48:39] whatever they couldn't wait for her to have her voice back again production as

[48:44] they waited for her at home Jennifer tries to cheer Lucy up by putting Russ

[48:50] in bunny ears but it does not work Russ drops the egg Jake come and his mom come

[48:57] to the house with mr. scamming and Jake wants to apologize and make up with Lucy

[49:00] and mr. scam he's like hey let me meet that dog of yours yeah he's miss

[49:06] gammon's like you have a dog I'd love to meet him so he's snooping around the

[49:10] house looking for the dog I will say this scene between Jake and Lucy where

[49:13] Lucy is upset and Jake comes up to talk to her there's a moment in it where he

[49:17] she's like I don't want anyone to look at me right now and he looks away and

[49:20] there's start to make up and she's like you can look at me now and he's like in

[49:24] the way it makes this conversation easier that he's not looking at her but

[49:27] has his back to her and I was like this in this very unartificial movie that

[49:31] does not feel like real life this felt like to me like a generally kind of like

[49:35] sweet moment like a tweet but he's like it actually makes it easier to talk to

[49:38] have this conversation I thought was like this is a sweet kind of real

[49:40] feeling moment that I did not expect in the middle of a movie narrated by a dog

[49:44] about the worst egg thief in the history of egg thievery you know yeah it really

[49:49] takes you out of the movie similar to how moments later we see mr. scam and

[49:52] chasing a corgi around the upper floors of the house and there's a moment where

[49:57] there's very clearly a number

[50:00] their man reflected in, like, the window or the...

[50:04] It's like an upper fireplace with, like, a glass thing in front of it.

[50:07] And I'm like, is this the camera operator or is this just, like, a strange man making weird motions?

[50:12] Yeah, or a three-minute-a-baby-style ghost, you know?

[50:17] That was the third option.

[50:18] Yeah.

[50:19] So, uh, they, but this, he's chasing after the dog, this happens, but finally the egg

[50:24] falls from the staircase into Jake's mom's hands and she's like, this is the egg!

[50:29] The egg, they said, my husband stole.

[50:32] Mr. Scammon has them at gunpoint.

[50:34] Did not expect to see a gun in this movie.

[50:35] Tiny little gun, yeah.

[50:36] That was a big shock.

[50:37] It's a tiny little gun, but it is still, I did not like seeing a gun in this movie.

[50:40] But luckily, Russ bites him, Jennifer picks up the gun, and Russ has the best dialogue

[50:46] in the movie at the very end.

[50:47] He goes, I'm the Easter Bunny, punk, deal with it.

[50:49] Hippity-hoppity, peace out.

[50:51] And that's the end of the movie.

[50:53] Yeah.

[50:54] It's a real, it's a catchphrase, of course, now that we've seen him blazoned on bumper

[50:59] stickers and t-shirts across America.

[51:02] Yep, deal with it.

[51:03] Hippity-hoppity, peace out.

[51:05] Yep.

[51:06] I'm the Easter Bunny, punk.

[51:07] Yeah.

[51:08] I mean, that's just made for the back of a t-shirt.

[51:10] Yeah.

[51:11] Yeah.

[51:12] Well, not since I'm Rick James, bitch, has a catchphrase hit so hard.

[51:16] Yeah.

[51:17] Yeah, I feel bad because when Russ the dog is in the street, people just yell that at

[51:21] him and he's like, I'm known for other things.

[51:23] I'm not just an Easter Bunny puppy, you know.

[51:25] Hey, say hippity-hoppity, peace out.

[51:27] Hippity-hoppity.

[51:28] Wait, let me get my phone out.

[51:29] Let me get my phone out.

[51:30] Let me get my phone out.

[51:31] So, yeah, that's the tale of the Easter Bunny puppy.

[51:37] Not the Easter Bunny puppy, Dan.

[51:38] No, not the actual.

[51:39] An Easter Bunny puppy.

[51:40] Yeah.

[51:41] And not the actual tale of the puppy.

[51:43] Very good point.

[51:45] It's the story.

[51:46] I'm glad you differentiated about that.

[51:48] Yeah.

[51:49] Would have confused our listeners.

[51:51] Now, now we have to pass judgment in a segment we call Final Judgments about whether this

[51:57] is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie or a movie we kind of liked.

[52:02] OK, so what do we do in this segment, Dan?

[52:04] I think I just explained it.

[52:05] I don't know why I have to go over it again.

[52:09] Caught in a loop like that egg dying scene.

[52:13] But I'm going to say, having seen it twice now, probably not like, like, don't watch

[52:20] this on your own.

[52:21] Don't don't be.

[52:22] No, don't be a fool.

[52:23] Don't do that.

[52:24] Like Elliott was.

[52:25] Like Elliott was.

[52:26] I did.

[52:27] This is work for me, Dan.

[52:28] Yeah.

[52:29] Like I was like, oh, let me pop in a movie.

[52:30] What would I enjoy on my own?

[52:32] Oh, an English, an Easter Bunny puppy.

[52:34] Let's say an English Bunny puppy, which would be an interesting switch on it.

[52:37] Yeah.

[52:38] If you're a bad movie sicko and you've got friends like for me, this is this is a classic

[52:43] good, bad movie.

[52:44] This recaptured the joy I felt watching a talking cat.

[52:51] And I had a great time.

[52:53] What do you think?

[52:54] Yeah.

[52:55] You know, this is sorry.

[52:56] It just took me a second because I was I was really going through the whole of my experience

[53:00] with an Easter Bunny puppy.

[53:03] This is exactly the kind of movie that I do this podcast to watch, you know, a movie where

[53:08] most of the runtime is either dying Easter eggs, painting Easter eggs, driving to a place

[53:14] and then looking for Easter eggs.

[53:15] It's great.

[53:16] Two thumbs up.

[53:18] This is a good, bad movie, I would say.

[53:20] I would also call it a good movie again.

[53:22] Not really.

[53:23] I even watching on my own.

[53:24] It was still kind of funny to watch it.

[53:25] It was just I couldn't I couldn't experience the dying egg sequence in real time.

[53:30] I had to I had to get a little bit of assistance on that one.

[53:34] But it is there's something about these movies that is so weird in terms of the tone and

[53:40] the feel of them.

[53:41] And there's so.

[53:42] But at the same time, there was nothing in it that I found upsetting.

[53:45] You know, it feels like you're watching a family movie from another dimension, but it's

[53:48] not like nothing happens in it, at least for me, where I was like, oh, now I feel gross.

[53:53] Now I feel bad watching this.

[53:55] And you know, that's hard to find sometimes.

[53:56] So don't watch it with your kids.

[53:58] They will be very bored.

[53:59] I mean, I'm sure they're actually a kid would probably like it.

[54:03] It's something that moves and has sound coming out of it and colors.

[54:05] But yeah, but I think if you're getting together, a dog talks, Elliot, come on, they'll watch

[54:10] anything as long as it's on like an iPad or something.

[54:12] They will.

[54:13] If you're if you're get if you get together, you're a decadent, bad movie crew and pop

[54:19] in an Easter Bunny puppy.

[54:20] And I think you're going to have a good time wasting time.

[54:25] Hi, I'm Alexis, I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River

[54:34] Jew, who has been a member since twenty nineteen.

[54:38] Thank you so much for being a listener and the support of our show.

[54:40] Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

[54:42] Yeah.

[54:43] Right.

[54:44] As the next fun member of the month.

[54:45] Can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

[54:49] I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelved all

[54:55] the books.

[54:56] It really helped with doing reading at work.

[54:59] So I just want to give back to what's been helping me.

[55:03] Yeah.

[55:04] It feels good to be part of that.

[55:05] As the member of the month, you will be getting a twenty five dollar gift card to the Maximum

[55:10] Fun Store, a member of the month bumper sticker.

[55:13] And you also if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the MaxFun HQ

[55:18] just for you.

[55:19] Yeah.

[55:20] I'm actually going to L.A. in September, so I'll get to use the parking.

[55:24] Yes.

[55:25] Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

[55:27] It's been an absolute blast.

[55:28] Yeah, of course.

[55:29] I've been so glad to be able to talk to you, too, and I'm so excited to be a member of

[55:33] the month.

[55:34] Yeah.

[55:35] Become a MaxFun member now at MaximumFun.org slash join.

[55:41] Hey, everybody.

[55:42] I'm Jeremy.

[55:43] I'm Oscar.

[55:44] I'm Dimitri.

[55:45] And we are the Eurovangelists.

[55:46] This is a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important

[55:50] music competition in the world.

[55:52] Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour talk up our coverage

[55:56] of this year's contest.

[55:57] But what do we talk about in the offseason?

[55:59] The rest of Eurovision.

[56:00] Duh.

[56:01] There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

[56:05] We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors and so much drama to discuss.

[56:10] And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

[56:12] Plus all the gorillas and bread baking grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

[56:16] Check out Eurovangelists available everywhere you get podcasts and you could be a Eurovangelist

[56:20] too.

[56:21] Oh, I want to be one.

[56:22] You already are.

[56:23] It's that easy.

[56:24] OK, cool.

[56:25] Let's let's talk about our sponsors.

[56:29] Of course, the Flophouse could not exist without the listeners who have become members at MaximumFun.org.

[56:38] They support us in the overwhelming part.

[56:42] But we also have a couple of sponsors.

[56:45] This podcast that you are listening to right now is brought to you in part by Squarespace.

[56:51] Whoa.

[56:52] Squarespace.

[56:53] Whoa.

[56:54] Square.

[56:55] Space.

[56:56] Yeah.

[56:57] Imagine a space and then imagine that space is square.

[56:59] I can't do it.

[57:00] Tell me more about it.

[57:01] What does it mean?

[57:02] I can't understand it.

[57:03] Well, it gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid online all in

[57:09] one place.

[57:10] I love offering services and I love getting paid.

[57:13] Yes, mostly the second part.

[57:16] The services are kind of a route to the second part.

[57:18] But sure.

[57:19] I mean, if you don't like what you do, sure.

[57:21] You know what they say.

[57:22] If you don't like what you do, you work every single day of your life.

[57:24] They do say that you can get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online

[57:29] payments.

[57:31] You can streamline your workflow with a built in appointment scheduling and email marketing

[57:36] tools.

[57:37] And hey, you want your website to look good.

[57:38] Well, Squarespace also, pardon me, also offers a complete library.

[57:43] I'm getting excited.

[57:45] A complete library.

[57:46] You could not be more excited about how complete that library is.

[57:49] Of professionally designed and award winning website templates with options for every use

[57:55] and category.

[57:56] You got your intuitive drag and drop editing to make designing that website easy, beautiful

[58:01] styling options, unrivaled visual design effects, no experience required.

[58:06] You don't have to be an HTML wizard to have a nice website.

[58:10] So head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[58:14] And when you're ready to launch, use offer code flop to save 10 percent off your first

[58:19] purchase of a website or domain.

[58:23] We also have a jumbotron today.

[58:27] It's kind of a jumbotron for us.

[58:29] This message is for the peaches.

[58:31] I assume they're talking to us.

[58:33] And it's from.

[58:34] Yay.

[58:35] And Luke says, hey, peaches, I have nothing to shout out, but I felt like throwing you

[58:38] guys some beer money.

[58:39] So I give you the gift of three hundred and fifty characters of nonsense to read.

[58:43] Someone should start a polyphonic spree cover band and call it contrapuntal rampage, tenacity,

[58:48] lugubrious, Bowie's Bowie boys, nish nashers, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

[58:54] And that's the end.

[58:55] Bye.

[58:56] What a sweet jumbotron.

[58:57] Thank you.

[58:58] I can't believe I can't believe Luke got you to read his his what kidnappers note or whatever.

[59:05] I gave you all the clues, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

[59:10] Thank you, Luke.

[59:11] If anyone else wants to.

[59:12] I mean, this is an interest.

[59:13] This opens up an interesting new area for jumbotrons.

[59:17] Us to read a personal message to somebody or a advertising message, go to what maximum

[59:23] fund dot com slash jumbotron to buy one.

[59:25] But I guess this enters the realm of just paying us to say whatever, which, you know,

[59:29] we're not we're not proud.

[59:30] We'll do it.

[59:31] We'll do it.

[59:32] How not proud are we?

[59:34] We're so not proud that we're actually very proud.

[59:37] What are we proud of?

[59:38] We are proud of the fact that we're appearing in Chicago on Sunday, November 16th and our

[59:42] first show sold out.

[59:44] So we have put a second show on the books.

[59:47] So that's right.

[59:48] We are live in Chicago Sunday, November 16th.

[59:50] If you missed your chance to go to our early show, we will now have a late show.

[59:54] Both shows will be about Jim Belushi movies.

[59:57] So don't worry, you'll get the full talk of Belushi either way.

[1:00:00] My wish.

[1:00:01] Yeah.

[1:00:02] The show was taking care of business.

[1:00:03] The second show, I believe, is Canine, right?

[1:00:05] Yeah.

[1:00:06] Yeah.

[1:00:07] Another book about another book.

[1:00:08] Another movie about a dog.

[1:00:09] Well, movies are just books for your eyes.

[1:00:10] So, you know, it's OK.

[1:00:11] It's the thing.

[1:00:12] Yeah.

[1:00:13] So the Flophouse will be live in Chicago Sunday, November 16th.

[1:00:17] The early show was sold out, but the late show, I think there's still some tickets available.

[1:00:20] Go to Flophousepodcast.com slash event slash the dash flop dash house dash live dash in

[1:00:26] dash Chicago for tickets.

[1:00:29] There's probably a better URL to go to, but I do think that if you go to the Flophousepodcast.com

[1:00:35] under the events page, I believe our very kind webmaster has put up an event.

[1:00:40] Yes.

[1:00:41] Just go to Flophousepodcast.com, not the Flophouse, just go to Flophousepodcast.com and go to

[1:00:46] the events section.

[1:00:47] Let's make it more confusing.

[1:00:48] Yeah.

[1:00:49] Let's get something else.

[1:00:50] Elliott, earlier you said movies are books for your eyes, but don't you use your eyes

[1:00:53] to read books?

[1:00:55] Not if you're using Braille or an audio book.

[1:00:57] OK.

[1:00:59] I got you there.

[1:01:00] OK.

[1:01:01] Columbo has got you there.

[1:01:02] Correct.

[1:01:03] Bugs me again.

[1:01:04] Yeah.

[1:01:05] So do actually go to Flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[1:01:07] That's where you should go.

[1:01:08] You get tickets for Chicago show Sunday, November 16th.

[1:01:11] Let's say you're not in Chicago.

[1:01:13] Let's say the late show manages to sell out to how are you going to seek your Flophouse

[1:01:17] boys putting on a show with your eyes, the things you use for movies and not for books?

[1:01:22] Well, you're in luck because Flop TV is on the air.

[1:01:26] That's right.

[1:01:27] Season three Flopsterpiece Theater is now appearing the first Saturday of every month,

[1:01:32] Saturday through February.

[1:01:34] Go to the Flophouse.SimpleTix.com for tickets.

[1:01:38] Just this past Saturday, as we're recording this, we did our Pluto Nash episode.

[1:01:43] It was super fun.

[1:01:44] We had a great time.

[1:01:46] The next one is October 4th, Saturday, October 4th.

[1:01:48] We're going to be talking about Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton as a bad dad, snowman

[1:01:52] dad.

[1:01:53] And it's going to be the first Saturday of each month.

[1:01:56] Go to the Flophouse.SimpleTix.com if you can't watch the show live.

[1:02:00] These shows are the first Saturday of the month, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

[1:02:04] If you cannot watch it live, maybe you live in another country.

[1:02:06] Maybe you got plans that night.

[1:02:08] Maybe you, I don't know.

[1:02:09] You just don't want to watch things live because you're worried that Dan's going to lose his

[1:02:12] shit and you don't want to see it happen live in front of you.

[1:02:15] It's fine because your ticket gets you access to the recording of the show and those recordings

[1:02:20] are going to stay up online through the end of the season.

[1:02:23] So you can watch them all at your leisure as many times as you want through the end

[1:02:27] of February 2026.

[1:02:31] That Pluto Nash show, I had so much fun.

[1:02:33] I'm really looking forward to this Jack Frost show.

[1:02:35] I have to make a video for it and I've got an idea that I think is dumb.

[1:02:40] So I think you guys will enjoy it.

[1:02:41] Oh, weird.

[1:02:42] Okay.

[1:02:43] Because normally our videos are really serious.

[1:02:45] Exactly.

[1:02:46] Yeah.

[1:02:47] So that's the Flophouse.SimpleTix.com.

[1:02:49] Join us live on your computer the first Saturday of each month through February.

[1:02:56] Let's answer a few listener letters.

[1:02:59] Letters from listeners.

[1:03:00] This first one is from Andy.

[1:03:03] Last name withheld.

[1:03:04] Who writes?

[1:03:05] Andy Dufresne.

[1:03:06] Just broke out of jail.

[1:03:08] How do you get poop stains out of a prison uniform?

[1:03:12] If anyone should know, it should be you, Andy.

[1:03:16] No, Andy writes.

[1:03:17] Oh, I crawled through a mile of the worst shit and crap I forgot what it says that you

[1:03:21] can imagine.

[1:03:22] I can't remember what Morton Freeman says, but.

[1:03:24] Just garbage.

[1:03:25] A lot of...

[1:03:26] It was the worst.

[1:03:27] Oh, man.

[1:03:28] It was the worst.

[1:03:29] How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

[1:03:30] Oh, his mouth.

[1:03:31] Oh.

[1:03:32] You got to believe he got some in his mouth.

[1:03:35] Anyway.

[1:03:36] I don't got to believe that, Dan.

[1:03:39] Andy writes.

[1:03:40] That's what the I want to believe poster means.

[1:03:41] Why is there a UFO on it, then?

[1:03:44] That's adorable.

[1:03:46] Oh, I just want to believe that he got poop in his mouth.

[1:03:50] So nothing about aliens?

[1:03:51] No.

[1:03:52] So why is there a picture of a UFO?

[1:03:53] That was the cheapest picture I could get when I was making the poster.

[1:03:56] Just a stock photo.

[1:03:57] Yeah, that's to get him in the door.

[1:03:59] That's a loss leader.

[1:04:02] You come in for the aliens.

[1:04:05] You stay for the poop in Tim Robbins' mouth.

[1:04:08] And how does this work?

[1:04:11] Not yet, but I'm pretty sure it will.

[1:04:13] Fingers crossed.

[1:04:14] If I ever get to ask him a question at something, I'm going to ask him if he ever, if he like

[1:04:19] the idea of poop getting in Andy Dufresne's mouth to inform his performance.

[1:04:23] Yeah.

[1:04:24] This is Tim Robbins you're asking or David Duchovny as Fox Mulder?

[1:04:27] Either at this point.

[1:04:30] They're so linked in America's imagination.

[1:04:33] That's true.

[1:04:34] That's true.

[1:04:35] That's when TNT would play Shawshank Redemption.

[1:04:37] And then in the middle, they just cut in an episode of The X-Files and then go back to

[1:04:40] the movie.

[1:04:41] Yeah.

[1:04:42] Innovative.

[1:04:43] Okay.

[1:04:44] Well, sorry.

[1:04:45] There's been a report of a Shawshank being redeemed.

[1:04:48] But that's impossible, Mulder.

[1:04:51] I don't even know what that is.

[1:04:55] See, when Mulder was a kid, his little kid sister got taken to Shawshank.

[1:05:00] Yeah.

[1:05:01] And she had to go through a pipe.

[1:05:03] Through a pipe.

[1:05:04] Yes.

[1:05:05] He's always been obsessed by it.

[1:05:06] Yeah.

[1:05:08] Hey, floppers.

[1:05:09] In the past two weeks.

[1:05:11] There's more in that shit pipe than you can even imagine.

[1:05:14] No, don't smoke around there.

[1:05:15] There's so much methane.

[1:05:16] Explosion.

[1:05:17] Yeah.

[1:05:18] In the past two weeks, you've commented on two areas right in my professional wheelhouse

[1:05:23] as a federal criminal defense lawyer, not an assassin.

[1:05:26] Shawshank.

[1:05:27] Shawshank prison.

[1:05:28] Uh-huh.

[1:05:29] First, the maximum penalty for an attempted assassination of federal officials under the

[1:05:34] federal statute is life in prison.

[1:05:36] There is no death penalty for that crime unless the crime is completed.

[1:05:40] I'm glad I was right about that.

[1:05:42] Second, FaceTime video and audio are believed to be harder for the government to monitor.

[1:05:47] So some folks use it for that reason.

[1:05:49] It's probably true about the content of the communication, but not the metadata.

[1:05:53] Who, when, where, how long, et cetera.

[1:05:56] I think questions like this are way more interesting than people who ask the generic and boring.

[1:06:00] How can you defend guilty people?

[1:06:02] I'm inevitably asked all the time.

[1:06:05] What question about your work do you hate?

[1:06:09] And what do you wish people would ask you instead?

[1:06:11] Andy, last name withheld.

[1:06:13] I got an easy one.

[1:06:15] What kind of drinks do you like to make?

[1:06:20] Well, what kind do you?

[1:06:23] The easiest, fastest one.

[1:06:25] Yeah.

[1:06:26] Like a bottle of Miller Highland.

[1:06:28] Yeah.

[1:06:29] Whatever's on tap.

[1:06:30] Yeah.

[1:06:31] Or just the bottle.

[1:06:32] Just hand it to them.

[1:06:33] Yeah.

[1:06:34] And what would you rather answer?

[1:06:35] What would I rather answer?

[1:06:37] Yeah, that's part of the question.

[1:06:38] What would you prefer?

[1:06:39] What kind of question would you prefer?

[1:06:40] Oh, what do I prefer?

[1:06:41] Is like, Stuart, how do you keep your hair looking so amazing?

[1:06:44] Okay, well, is that about?

[1:06:45] It's more of a compliment than a question.

[1:06:47] Yeah.

[1:06:50] You know, podcasting doesn't inspire a lot of questions, so I'll talk about writing.

[1:06:55] I feel like it does.

[1:06:58] I mean, the main question I get about podcasting is people go, wait, you make money off of that?

[1:07:03] Yeah.

[1:07:05] I get that from my wife.

[1:07:07] People pay you for this?

[1:07:09] Yeah.

[1:07:11] So about writing, what are people ask that bothers you, Dan?

[1:07:15] You must love this Trump guy.

[1:07:17] He gives you lots of material.

[1:07:18] Yeah, I did hate that back in the day.

[1:07:20] And it's not a question.

[1:07:22] No, but we did not love that Trump guy because he gave us a lot of material.

[1:07:26] We did not, indeed.

[1:07:29] Like, I'm happy to talk to people about how I got into the business, but it's, you know,

[1:07:37] as a question, I don't know how useful I think it is, and so I'm not wild about, like, trying

[1:07:43] to answer it because it is so idiosyncratic as a field that I'm like, well, I can tell

[1:07:48] you how, and I will, but I don't know, like, the answer, like, the real answer that you

[1:07:53] should care about is, like, network and practice, you know?

[1:07:59] I would like to think I would be good at, happier to answer sort of specific questions

[1:08:06] about writing, like, how is a joke constructed?

[1:08:10] But I think about it, and I'm like, I don't know if I could speak well to that, like,

[1:08:15] so much of it is just, like, impulse and practice, and, like, I don't, I'm looking forward to

[1:08:22] Elliot's book, Joke Farming.

[1:08:23] I was going to say, Dan, if you want to know about how a joke is constructed, get ready

[1:08:26] because there's a book coming out in November that will tell you all about it.

[1:08:28] It's called Joke Farming.

[1:08:29] Yeah, I guess the question I'd like to answer is, would you like a job?

[1:08:36] When can you start?

[1:08:37] That would be a good one.

[1:08:38] I was going to say, Dan, the question I used to get was, how do I get, how do I start a

[1:08:41] writing career?

[1:08:42] How do I get a writing job?

[1:08:43] Now, I feel like the question I get a lot is, so there aren't a lot of jobs out there,

[1:08:46] are there?

[1:08:47] And I'm like, it's never a good one.

[1:08:48] I think the general public is aware of how hard it is to get a job in a particular entertainment

[1:08:53] field.

[1:08:54] But, yeah, the question I'd want to answer is, hey, what's Jonah Ray like?

[1:08:59] And I'd be like, he's a real nice guy.

[1:09:01] Yeah, he seemed nice.

[1:09:02] He's very nice.

[1:09:04] Okay.

[1:09:05] Very nice.

[1:09:06] Class act.

[1:09:07] Solid.

[1:09:08] Very tall.

[1:09:09] Question?

[1:09:10] Very tall.

[1:09:11] Yeah, very tall.

[1:09:12] And answered over here at the Flophouse.

[1:09:13] Yeah.

[1:09:14] This letter's from Allison, last name withheld.

[1:09:16] Who writes?

[1:09:17] Allison Williams, star of Girls and Peter Pan.

[1:09:19] And I abridged this because she was...

[1:09:21] And Jagen, right?

[1:09:22] Yeah.

[1:09:23] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:24] Or they were too nice to us, so I cut out some of the nice parts.

[1:09:29] Yeah, you're right, Dan.

[1:09:30] You're right, Dan.

[1:09:31] We don't deserve it.

[1:09:32] We need more punishment.

[1:09:33] We've been bad boys.

[1:09:34] It feels a little self-serving to read it all in the air, but...

[1:09:36] I guess so.

[1:09:37] Mother says I shouldn't get praise.

[1:09:39] Yeah.

[1:09:40] First off, I'm a huge fan.

[1:09:42] I could gush for hours about the podcast getting me through hard times, making me laugh on

[1:09:46] long, super sweaty subway rides when I lived in NYC, cheering me up in LA traffic where

[1:09:52] I now live, accompanying me on the Brooklyn Half Marathon, et cetera.

[1:09:56] In terms of real life encounters, I briefly met...

[1:10:00] at the signing of Horse Meets Dog at Skylight Books in Los Feliz a while back. He was lovely

[1:10:04] and I was kind of awkward, so that was fun. Oh, that's nice. I'm sure you were great.

[1:10:08] In terms of subconscious encounters, I had a dream about you all recently in which we met,

[1:10:13] you put me on a text chain with the three of you, and then I didn't understand any of the

[1:10:17] references or jokes any of you made on the chain. To be honest, that's how I often feel about the

[1:10:21] text chain the three of us are on. Yeah. I guess this is the part where I ask a question.

[1:10:26] The anxiety of that text chain dream is really putting the pressure on me to make this a good

[1:10:31] one. So now that I've gushed, time for you to gush. What are your favorite things about each

[1:10:37] other? Allison, last name withheld. Didn't realize I was walking into a trap.

[1:10:44] It's a trap, oh boy. Oh man, is this a Lady Raven concert?

[1:10:47] I think. Okay, let's see. Things that I like.

[1:10:54] Well, one thing that I like about performing with my two friends is that Dan is very good

[1:11:00] at being the straight man and he is very good at taking the lumps that we give him for no reason

[1:11:06] at all. Dan's making faces like, what kind of compliment is this? It's a weird compliment,

[1:11:12] but I'll take it, I guess. No, I'm saying you're talented. And Elliot is very good at filling any

[1:11:17] space he is given when necessary. I'll get a little more personal. I think that Stuart is

[1:11:26] very patient. And if I inadvertently hurt his feelings, he will

[1:11:32] absorb it and then tell me about it calmly at a later stage. Oh wow, you're going to tell my

[1:11:38] therapist. And Elliot is, for all the shit he gives me on air, is always very concerned about

[1:11:46] my well-being. During the time that I was post-divorce and single, he would have me over

[1:11:54] to have dinner with his family frequently and it was very sweet. Yeah, that was the character.

[1:12:00] The real me is the me that's mean to you. That was the personia. Dan has got an enormous heart.

[1:12:06] He's got an enormous heart and he's always ready to think the best of somebody after he's had a

[1:12:12] moment to think about it. But most of the time he's trying to think the best of people. And

[1:12:20] Stuart is a stalwart rock that can be relied on and leaned on in tough times and good times.

[1:12:28] And you never have to worry that he's not going to have your back. Oh, thank you. And I just like

[1:12:33] performing with these guys. They're really fun. Two of the guys were like, it makes me laugh more

[1:12:39] when we're talking than almost anything else that happens in life. Yeah. Audrey has remarked on,

[1:12:47] even when we're off stage, she's like, you guys, when you get together, you're just,

[1:12:52] you're doing it. You're doing the same thing. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's fun to... Anyway.

[1:12:56] Danielle will hear... I listen to podcasts a lot while I'm doing chores and there are times when

[1:13:01] I listen to this podcast and I'm laughing and Danielle, my wife, will go, listen to yourself

[1:13:04] again, huh? And I'm like, but I laughed at something Dan said. Yeah. I was laughing at

[1:13:09] a Stuart thing. I mean, I often miss a lot of what's going on because, you know, you're in it,

[1:13:15] so you're not fully engaged in the whole thing. And so I will laugh at stuff that you say later

[1:13:20] on. I'm like, oh, that was what was going on when I was trying to look something up or...

[1:13:25] Yeah. Or worrying about the next bit. Yeah. I was trying to craft my next hilarious bit.

[1:13:31] Um, well, enough, uh, enough of this fuzzy sweetness. Time to get down to business again.

[1:13:37] Brass tacks. Yeah. Yeah. I also like that Dan keeps us on track all the time.

[1:13:44] Bust some balls. Um, let's, uh, crack some skulls. Let's, uh, talk about movies that we've seen that

[1:13:50] we would recommend. Um, let's say in addition to this one, if you're a bad movie sicko,

[1:13:56] you can watch this one too. But, uh, I mean, let's, let's have some movies that we recommend

[1:14:00] to non-bad movies for non-ironic reasons. Okay. Well, uh, Criterion, uh, this month

[1:14:07] has a bunch of stuff that I was like, wow, this is really geared towards me. They had, uh,

[1:14:12] a Robert Altman, uh, retrospectively, like a lot of Robert Altman movies. They have

[1:14:20] paranoid thrillers as well, and they have a nonsploitation.

[1:14:23] But I'm going to, I'm not going to talk about some non-sploitation. I'm going to talk about

[1:14:28] an Altman movie that I had not seen before, which is a Buffalo Bill and the Indians or

[1:14:33] Sitting Bulls history lesson. It is a lesser, uh, talked about lesser regarded Altman movie,

[1:14:41] but I, I liked it quite a bit. And, uh, it is a movie that in some ways takes place in

[1:14:48] one location because it's all, uh, Buffalo Bill's Wild West show. Uh, but it is so expansive,

[1:14:55] this location. And there's so much of Altman's like, we're going to get a snatch of character

[1:15:00] here and a character is going to cross the screen there. And we're going to follow things. And,

[1:15:04] you know, the way he builds a thing slowly, sort of piece by piece. And it is a movie about the

[1:15:12] way that the legend of the Wild West was, uh, you know, constructed by white people.

[1:15:19] And it is a movie about how Buffalo Bill played by Paul Newman sort of is quietly, uh, driven insane

[1:15:28] by the dignity of Sitting Bull who refuses to engage with, uh, the myth making, uh, that he,

[1:15:36] that, that Buffalo Bill would prefer. Um, and, uh, I enjoyed it quite a bit. Uh, it's, you know,

[1:15:43] maybe sure. Go see like some of the bigger Altman's first, but once you're in that pool,

[1:15:48] uh, check this one out as well. How's, how's the sound on this one? Uh, overlapping. Yay.

[1:15:57] Um, okay. So I'm going to recommend a movie that's kind of similar to, uh, an Easter bunny puppy.

[1:16:04] This is a movie about somebody desperately trying to get close to someone else in a desire to kind

[1:16:11] of either, uh, just enjoy being in their orbit or experience the world through their eyes. Dan and I

[1:16:18] went and saw Lurker this week, uh, which is, uh, initially kind of going in, I thought it was going

[1:16:23] to be more of a thriller and it ends up being a little bit more of a black comedy or like a,

[1:16:28] like a character study. Would you agree with that, Dan? I would agree with that.

[1:16:31] Uh, that's like, it's not that there aren't like, you know, like kind of creepy and weird moments,

[1:16:36] but I feel like it's best play it. Like the whole thing plays best when it is just kind of an

[1:16:41] awkward comedy. Um, and it is about a young man who, uh, kind of sneaks his way into a, uh,

[1:16:48] emerging pop stars, uh, entourage. And he is trying desperately doing everything he can to

[1:16:56] appear like he's not being desperate to, uh, be part of this guy's life. And it's one of the

[1:17:03] things that I found kind of fascinating about it is how even the, like while they managed to capture

[1:17:08] the feel of excitement, when somebody that you idolize, uh, gives you a moment of their attention,

[1:17:16] that like rush that he feels, it also does a pretty good job of reminding you how immature

[1:17:22] and kind of gross the, that kind of young man pop star lifestyle is of just a bunch

[1:17:28] of people hanging around in a rich house that is not taken care of very well. And it's like

[1:17:34] a weird dorm and everything feels so surface level and nobody seems to like each other that much.

[1:17:40] Um, and, uh, and then the, uh, when it gets to the third act, I think the movie actually starts

[1:17:46] to cook the most. Um, but, uh, yeah, I thought it was a lot of fun. It was kind of, uh, it was,

[1:17:51] it was also that it was kind of different than what I was expecting. So, uh, check it out. Lurker.

[1:17:56] Uh, I'm going to recommend a movie from a couple of years ago. It is a French movie,

[1:18:02] but it's also a horror movie. What? What's this all about? Stuart suddenly,

[1:18:06] he heard French and he was like, no. And he heard horror and he was like, what?

[1:18:10] So this is a movie called, this is a movie called the Vordalak from a couple of years ago. This is

[1:18:16] a French vampire movie that, uh, there's a, it tells the story of a, um, it's the like 18th

[1:18:21] century or so. And there's a French kind of minor nobleman who's on a mission, uh, uh, in a, um,

[1:18:28] an area between somewhere between France and Turkey. I'm not, I don't remember exactly where

[1:18:31] it takes place somewhere in, in the, in Eastern Europe, I think. Uh, and that would be Germany

[1:18:36] is between France and Turkey, right? Yeah, I guess maybe it's true, but there's a, it seems to,

[1:18:40] I don't know exactly where it is. I don't know exactly where it is, but, uh, he, uh, has lost

[1:18:44] his horse. He's wandering through the woods and he ends up receiving help at the home of a family

[1:18:49] who are waiting for their elderly father, their elderly patriarch to return from fighting the

[1:18:54] Turks. And he returns. And it is very clear that he is a Vordalak, which is a kind of a

[1:19:01] kind of Slavic vampire. So I guess this must be some, some sloppy area. Anyway, the important

[1:19:05] thing is, um, the nobleman, he has, uh, he's attracted to the, to the daughter of this

[1:19:11] Vordalak. And so he feels like he can't just run away else because he doesn't have a horse

[1:19:15] and the family kind of one by one starts falling under the spell of this figure who is

[1:19:20] clearly a vampire, but is also the patriarch of their family. And so they can't outwardly,

[1:19:26] um, kind of go against him the way that they probably should. And it is a, it's not a super

[1:19:32] flashy movie, but I have to admit when the, when the new version of Nosferatu came out,

[1:19:37] I kind of wanted it to be like a little weirder and stranger and get into more kind of interesting

[1:19:43] waters. And I feel like the Vordalak, uh, provides some of that strangeness and weirdness and more

[1:19:49] interestingness that I was hoping for from that. And so if you want to see a vampire movie,

[1:19:53] that's not, it's not a lot of like, um, suddenly a vampire jumps out at you. Ah, you know,

[1:19:58] the, the, but it's a, but it's.

[1:20:00] kind of like creepy, strange atmosphere of it. And the way they handle the existence of the

[1:20:05] vampire itself, which I don't want to give away, is at first very like almost almost silly,

[1:20:13] but becomes less and less so as the movie goes on. And I thought I found it really

[1:20:20] discomforting in the way that a good horror movie can be. So I would recommend it. That's

[1:20:24] The Vordalak, spelled V-O-U-R-D-A-L-A-K. And I keep calling it Vatalork and stuff like that,

[1:20:30] and Valadork. I can't. I had to look up how it's spelled. You're a Valadork.

[1:20:35] Oh, man. Gotcha. Fair's fair. That reminds me, I've got to get my wife a Valadork's day card.

[1:20:43] That's love between dorks. Yeah. Okay. Well, three great recommendations. Before

[1:20:50] we get into signoffs, I want to mention a couple of things that I think that maybe we forget to

[1:20:56] mention, which is that we have a newsletter. It's called Flop Secrets. If you go to

[1:21:01] flophousepodcast.com, you can sign up to get that a couple of times a month and hear about

[1:21:09] what we're up to in sort of a more detailed way. You get a little extra funny writing,

[1:21:14] maybe, sometimes. It's a good way to keep up with us. We have an Instagram where a lot of

[1:21:21] stuff gets posted, clips from the show, TikToks that Stu makes. And also, not officially affiliated

[1:21:29] with us, but made by a listener, there's a Discord channel. If you go to lastnamewithheld.com,

[1:21:36] you can join that Discord. And they do a lot of watch-alongs. They watch the movies.

[1:21:42] Against my recommendations, they watch the movies that we cover beforehand.

[1:21:46] And also, I think during the Shocktober season, they'll be doing a lot of

[1:21:51] watch-alongs of horror stuff. So check that out as well. But I want to say thank you to our network,

[1:21:58] Maximum Fun. If you go to maximumfun.org, there's a lot of great other shows there.

[1:22:03] You can become a member and support us. There's also our producer, Alex Smith, who I'd like to

[1:22:09] thank. He goes by the name HowlDottyOnline, which he uses for music, Twitch streams, his own podcast.

[1:22:17] He's a creative genius in his own right. Check his stuff out. But that's it. For The Flop House,

[1:22:24] I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. Bye.

[1:22:39] Small timber, guys. Small timber. It sure is small and it sure is timber.

[1:22:46] Timber. Oh yeah, Dan watched some line dancing yesterday to the tune of timber.

[1:22:56] I don't know that I actually watched much line dancing. I was in the vicinity where line dancing

[1:23:01] was occurring. You showed up late, so you didn't get to see me boogieing my little tushy off.

[1:23:06] I had to pick it up off the floor. Yeah, I've seen you without a tushy before. It's terrifying.

[1:23:11] It's horrifying. You had to go back to the hospital for a detushectomy. That's when they

[1:23:17] reattach it. Yeah. Let's get into this thing. Yeah. Let's call the podcast. This is all pretty

[1:23:23] funny stuff. Yeah. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly

[1:23:32] by you.

Ep.#461 - An Easter Bunny Puppy

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