Ep. #354 - The Unholy, with Gillian Flynn

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the unholy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] Prequel to the movie, Holy.

S2

[0:06] With me, Gillian Flynn.

[0:08] I'm back.

[0:10] I'm back.

[0:11] You couldn't get rid of me like an evil, dark, unholy penny.

[0:15] I arise and return for Shock, Shock, Shocktoberfest.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:49] And with us tonight, you probably heard her in the intro, Gillian Flynn is here.

[0:53] You know her from writing books such as Dark Places, Sharp Objects, not Shark Objects, so

[0:59] that would be a great book.

[0:59] That's a great title for a book, though.

[1:02] Gone Girl, the film Widows, Utopia, and for some reason being willing to come back and

[1:12] talk to us on the Flophouse.

[1:13] That's how you know her.

[1:16] Hello.

S2

[1:16] Mostly how you know me.

[1:18] I think I hope primarily how you know me.

[1:20] It's like that gal from Flophouse that shows up every once in a while.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25] Which movie was that?

[1:27] What was the episode?

[1:28] That was Uninvited.

[1:29] I'm invited.

S2

[1:30] That's why I picked Unholy this time.

[1:32] Oh, that makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] Oh, that's the second part of the Gillian Flynn Un Trilogy.

S2

[1:35] Yes, next year three will be a trend, as I say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] It'll be a movie called Uncola, and it's about a sprite that turns people to zombies.

[1:43] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:43] Why do you think there's so many un-horror movies?

[1:46] They're just like, oh, let's just take a good thing, I guess, and I guess if we have the opposite

[1:51] of that, it's a bad thing and thus scary.

[1:54] Yeah.

[1:55] That's the formula.

[1:56] Uninnocent.

[1:57] Yeah.

[1:57] You can't do everything.

[1:58] You can't.

S2

[1:59] That doesn't work with everything.

Dan McCoy

[2:01] The unalive.

[2:01] The ungood.

[2:02] Oh, that's bad.

S2

[2:04] Next year, I will not return.

[2:06] It'll be called The Unback.

[2:08] Oh, no.

[2:10] Oh, no.

[2:11] So sad.

[2:11] Never.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Oh, terrible.

[2:13] Terrible.

[2:13] So what do we do in this podcast, Dan?

[2:14] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:18] And in this case, it's October.

[2:21] We brand it here on the Fluff House, Shocktober.

S2

[2:24] I think we're the only people to ever say that.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] And we talk about horror movies in Shocktober.

[2:31] And this time, there are a few options.

[2:35] We offered to Gillian, and she went with The Unholy.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Un, un, un.

[2:42] And to clarify, this isn't – if you go on IMDb, there's – I believe it's a metric

[2:47] fuckton of movies called The Unholy.

[2:49] That's true.

[2:50] This is 2021.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] This is the new one.

[2:54] I hope we all watch the right one.

[2:56] I don't know.

[2:57] Watch the right one in.

S2

[2:58] This is the one with the criminally underused Carrie Elwes.

[3:04] I never noticed her name.

[3:05] Yeah, Elwes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:06] Carrie Elwes, who last appeared on the Flophouse in the character of Bobby Wobbly in the Oogie

[3:10] Loves movie, right?

Dan McCoy

[3:12] I mean, we were going to – I'm sure we were going to get around to it at some point.

[3:16] But I want to ask you guys, is Carrie Elwes good at acting or bad at acting?

[3:21] Because I love him in The Princess Bride.

[3:23] Wow.

[3:23] I think he's a lot of fun on Stranger Things recently as like the sort of callow mayor character.

[3:30] And then I see him in a lot of things, including this one that confused me.

S2

[3:34] I would suggest filtering it through a Gen Xer who was maybe 13 at the time that Princess

[3:40] Bride came out.

[3:41] Right.

[3:41] Okay.

[3:42] And I can say greatest actor in the world no matter what.

[3:45] Okay.

[3:46] Okay.

[3:47] Even with a shaky Boston accent.

[3:49] He also needs some better roles maybe.

[3:51] Well, that's the thing is Carrie Elwes is – Carrie Elwes is one of those performers

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] who was born for a – in the wrong time.

[3:58] Like to me, his best roles to me are The Princess Bride and Robin Hood Men in Tights.

[4:02] And it's like –

[4:03] Yes.

[4:03] Yeah, he should be doing Errol Flynn type roles.

[4:05] He should be doing Errol Flynn movies.

[4:07] I completely agree.

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:08] Yeah, they don't make those movies anymore, which is terrible because it's – he should

[4:11] be like – he's the guy who – like they should have made Pirates of the Caribbean

[4:15] when he was younger and he should have done like the Orlando Bloom.

[4:18] He would have been –

[4:19] He would have been great.

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:20] He would have been great.

Stuart Wellington

[4:21] He – I mean the moments in this movie where he is best is when he gets to be a little

[4:27] bit bigger and he gets to be like, what accent shall I be doing right now?

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] No!

[4:32] Let me open up the voice box and see what I pull out.

S2

[4:35] We will get in – I must get in – we will get into that at some point.

[4:39] But I wanted to say real quick that I – I showed my son both Errol Flynn Robin Hood and

[4:47] then he decided that his favorite actor was, quote, Claude Rains.

[4:52] So we are a popular family at the school with – like he – I picture him wandering

[4:58] onto the playground going like, hey, anyone want to talk Invisible Man with me?

[5:04] 1938 edition.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] I mean great choice.

[5:07] But yes, it's a child out of time.

[5:10] I feel like he's got to hang out with my kids because my kids are always like, do your

[5:13] Peter Lorre voice, daddy.

[5:14] Yes.

[5:15] Do Peter Lorre.

S2

[5:16] Where's Vincent Price?

[5:17] That's what he recognized from, you know, Thriller the other day on the costume store.

[5:20] It's Vincent Price, my other favorite actor.

Elliott Kalan

[5:24] You guys can cut all this.

[5:26] No, no, no.

[5:27] This is meat.

[5:27] This is gold meat.

[5:28] This is meat that's been painted gold.

[5:29] Gold meat?

[5:30] Now, I had a question.

[5:31] Well, it's cold meat.

[5:32] It's because it's gold.

[5:33] I had a question.

[5:35] It's the golden calf from the Bible.

[5:37] They butchered it and it's gold meat.

[5:38] The gold old cold meat.

[5:42] So this movie is based on a novel called Shrine by an author named James Herbert.

[5:47] I've never read any of his books.

[5:48] Have you guys read?

[5:49] I've read, of course, Frank Herbert's books, including Tom Brokaw's favorite, Dune.

[5:54] This would be a major motion picture.

[5:56] But are you guys familiar with this book or any of the books that that guy wrote?

[6:00] I'm not.

[6:00] No.

Dan McCoy

[6:00] No, I did.

[6:02] No.

[6:03] I was like, I was going to say something, but it's not that interesting.

[6:07] Gillian, have you read it?

S2

[6:08] I have not.

[6:09] During my extensive research on this show, I meant to look it up and dabble, at least dabble a little bit.

[6:16] But I never made it to that.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] I looked it up on Cliff Notes.

[6:21] I couldn't find a Cliff Notes, so I was like, fuck it.

[6:23] You couldn't find a Cliff Notes.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] Yeah.

[6:24] What about a Spark Notes?

[6:26] Did they have any Spark Notes of it?

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] I didn't look.

[6:28] You know, I don't put that much work on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] Oh, the notes that Sparks made about it, which is, I mean, sounds amazing.

[6:36] I love it, but you can't really understand what they're saying.

Dan McCoy

[6:38] You know?

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:39] I, I, I watching this movie, I'm like, oh, okay, this, I could see how this premise would

[6:44] be a pretty good horror book premise.

[6:49] And I think it was executed in a very soporific way, but we'll get into it.

[6:54] Something we'll get into.

S2

[6:55] Premise being like, I, it's a, there's a long, long premise.

[7:01] It's like, which mask, which burn, which dunk, which tree, soul tree, doll Mary tree, doll

[7:08] two tree.

[7:10] And that's like the first 10 minutes.

[7:12] So I would fall of journalism, clickbait.

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] Yeah.

[7:16] And burn from the cross.

[7:17] It's a movie that bites, it goes to chew a lot, and yet somehow is consistently feels

[7:22] very empty.

[7:23] And I think like, there's, there's a lot of scenes where you're like, okay, like that

[7:27] was, they got across something.

[7:29] But what I didn't realize until after I'd watched it was that, so this was shot during the COVID

[7:34] lockdown.

[7:35] They had to stop and they restarted.

[7:37] And according to Wikipedia, it says there could be no more than 10 background actors on set

[7:40] together at once.

[7:41] And that's why it feels like, like they're in Halloween town from Nightmare Before Christmas

[7:45] where there's like 20 residents of this town.

[7:47] And you just did the same ones all the time.

[7:49] So let's, let's get in.

[7:52] Oh, that's, I feel like, I feel like once I learned that I was like, okay, I feel like

[7:56] I.

Stuart Wellington

[7:57] You cracked the code.

[7:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] This movie is now I'm grading it on a curve, you know.

[8:01] Much more forgiving.

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:03] Yes.

[8:03] Yeah, exactly.

[8:04] So let's talk about what happens in this movie.

[8:06] Okay.

[8:06] We open.

[8:07] It's 1845.

[8:08] That's right, everybody.

[8:10] It's, it's that antebellum period that so many people in the country seem to want to go

[8:14] back to.

[8:14] And I don't know why.

[8:15] And we're in a woman's POV.

[8:18] We're looking through her eyes as something's nailed to something wet and squishy.

[8:23] And then she's burned alive and her soul seems to be trapped in a doll.

[8:27] And yes, it is.

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] This priest holds up a really cool looking doll.

[8:31] And you're like.

[8:31] The doll's rad.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Yeah.

[8:32] And here's the thing about this.

[8:34] 1845 is pretty late for them to be burning a witch.

[8:36] That thing was for witch burnings back then, right?

[8:38] No.

[8:39] By that point, they were, ironically, by that point, they were well onto hating Catholics, which

[8:42] are otherwise the characters in the movie.

[8:45] We were talking about early Americans.

[8:46] But okay.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] Well, also, I mean, just, you know, along with the anachronism, I just like, this is another

[8:51] one of those horror movies that's like, no, actually, they were right to burn those witches because

[8:56] they were evil.

Elliott Kalan

[8:57] Like, the scary thing about the witch trials was that there were no witches and they were

[9:00] hanging and burning innocent, mostly hanging in the United States, innocent women.

[9:03] But yeah, you have to, you always have, it was the same way that like people who consider

[9:07] themselves witches like go to Salem and they walk around in their dark clothes and it's

[9:10] like, no guys, you're in the wrong place.

[9:12] Like, there were no actual witches.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] You see the bewitched statue in Salem that I can't believe exists.

[9:17] Well, that was, that's, yeah, there's a lot of reasons why that's wrong.

[9:21] That was a gift from TV live.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] Yeah, yeah.

[9:22] It takes us back to that terrible time when men were actually threatened by women's sexuality.

[9:27] Is that weird?

Dan McCoy

[9:29] Thank God, we've passed, passed that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:31] As opposed to now, right.

[9:32] We're enlightened.

[9:33] Anyway, so we cut to Boston, modern day.

[9:37] We meet Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Jerry Finn.

[9:40] He's a down-on-his-luck reporter who, he used to be a big shot, but as we learn later,

[9:45] he seems to have made up some stories, classic shattered glass style, and has fallen into scandal.

[9:51] And now he's, he's taken $150 to drive out to some small town called Banfield and investigate

[9:57] a reported cattle mutilation for some kind of, some kind of website that reports on cattle

[10:02] mutilations.

Stuart Wellington

[10:03] I got, I got to, I got to pump the brakes.

[10:05] Now you brought up, uh, you brought up shattered glass.

[10:08] How much better would this movie be if it was Hayden Christensen?

[10:11] I mean, marginally, I don't know actually.

Elliott Kalan

[10:14] Well, the thing is, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is so calm and so controlled throughout the

[10:19] movie that I never really feel like he's in a, that he has a problem.

[10:23] Whereas Hayden Christensen always seems like he's about to just, just like snap at any

[10:28] moment.

[10:29] Yeah, that's great.

Dan McCoy

[10:30] Now, Gillian, you seem to have some feelings about this man's journalism career.

[10:34] I do as well, but, uh, what, what do you, what did you want to say?

S2

[10:37] Um, multiple things.

[10:40] I was going to say multiple things, but, um.

[10:41] Start with one and then do the rest of them.

[10:43] Two, exactly.

[10:43] Actually, I think, as, as a, someone who had been a journalist for 10 years, I was very,

[10:50] I was stopped cold in my tracks that there are actually multiple clickbait outfits about

[10:56] supernatural cow possessions these days.

[10:59] I mean, I'm not in the clickbait era anymore, but, and then later on he actually gets scooped

[11:04] by the rifle.

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:05] Cow supernatural.

[11:06] He's like, yeah, I'm down 150 bucks.

[11:09] And then meantime I was kind of doing my math and it was sort of like, okay, got to get

[11:14] drunk.

[11:14] So I could buy all the, you know, all my liquor.

[11:17] I go, I smash a doll.

[11:19] I almost run over someone.

[11:21] I end up in a motel.

[11:22] It was like, by the end it's, he owes the site money, I think.

[11:25] And so like, let me give you $500 for doing this story.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] You know that he's doing like, he's doing the, the math in his head, the whole drive there,

[11:32] whether he's actually making a profit on the gas that he had to pay to get out to Banfield.

[11:36] Like it's, it's not, it's, it's a low, they should have shown him like in a bus being

[11:41] like, all right, got to maximize.

Stuart Wellington

[11:42] They could have hired a Photoshop guy for much less and not have to pay for the gas money

[11:47] to get out there and take these photos.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] It was certainly not worth his time.

[11:50] At the same time, I'm amazed that any web outlet is paying $150 for a cattle mutilation

[11:57] story.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] Well, yeah, we're living in this beautiful time in the 21st century where people are overpaying

[12:04] for crap, but still not paying enough for regular people to live off of.

[12:07] So nobody's happy.

[12:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] I do want to say that Jeffrey Dean Morgan does not look like the kind of guy who was ever

[12:14] going to FaceTime somebody.

[12:16] But every time he talks to his editor, he's always on FaceTime.

[12:18] I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

Dan McCoy

[12:21] It does seem too, that when I watch it, I'm like, is this, this seems like his whole journalism

[12:25] career now.

[12:26] Like he is totally pivoted into supernatural journalism, which is like, well, I don't

[12:32] know.

S2

[12:33] He's gone from the dizzying heights of, I think somewhere in New York, possibly, where the

[12:38] fancy people live, I'm told.

[12:41] And he discusses later on, he'll discuss, you know, why he made up the stories and says,

[12:46] you know, my God, like the lights, the fame, people screaming your name.

[12:50] And I was like, I don't think that has ever been the case that having, again, been a working

[12:55] journalist, I did not experience paparazzi following me as I got my tuna salad sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] How ironic that watchers would be watching the watchers at that point.

[13:05] It's like, maybe this takes place in that alternate universe where Studio 60 took place, where the

[13:11] head writers of comedy shows hold press conferences when they're hired.

[13:14] And the same universe is in Roadhouse, where there are famous bouncers.

[13:17] And when they roll into town, people are like, he's here?

[13:20] What?

[13:20] This is amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] Yeah, there's, I've been watching the morning show and I feel like there's times where the

[13:25] morning show is like, the most important thing in the universe is the morning show.

[13:29] And I'm like, I don't know if people would care that much.

[13:32] A different show would come on.

[13:33] It's okay.

S2

[13:36] You can find your news from a computer.

[13:39] I wish.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] I haven't seen the morning show, but I assume it's told from the point of view of the

[13:43] Kathy Lee type person who handles the last hour of the show and is drunk most of the

[13:47] time and she's watching all the events that are happening.

Stuart Wellington

[13:50] Uh, yeah, yeah.

[13:51] It's all, it's actually all just after it's, it's told by somebody 400 years in the future.

[13:56] Oh, wow.

[13:57] They have found a DVD of the morning show TV show.

[14:00] And they're just.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] And it's just them to camera explaining what they saw.

[14:05] Uh-huh.

[14:05] But they don't know the words.

Stuart Wellington

[14:06] And then Reese Witherspoon comes on or someone who looks very similar.

[14:09] They're like.

Dan McCoy

[14:12] So they're casting actresses in their memory.

[14:15] Uh-huh, yeah.

[14:16] And that's what those actresses are.

[14:17] Uh-huh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] I thought I explained it pretty clearly.

[14:20] You know, I just.

[14:21] I'm Miss Crystal.

[14:24] So, uh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, he, so he's, he's gotta, he's gotta cover the story.

[14:28] The reporter who is famous for making things up decided he's gotta get the details of the

[14:32] cattle mutilation story right.

[14:33] He can't make that up.

[14:34] And so he goes out.

[14:35] It turns out a teen just, just shaved an M into a cow's butt hair.

[14:40] Uh, and he says, he says to the farmer, you ever heard of the band Metallica?

[14:43] But it doesn't really look like the Metallica M.

[14:45] It looks like some approximation.

[14:46] All right.

Dan McCoy

[14:47] Well, Ellie, you go out and try and shave a Metallica M into a cow.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] That's actually a good point, Ellie.

[14:50] That's a good point.

[14:51] Dare, dare, dare.

[14:54] I saw Aerosmith tattooed on a cow's udder once and it looked really good.

[14:58] So that's not that difficult.

[15:01] But while he's there, his attention, of course, as it would be, is drawn to a single

[15:05] tree.

[15:06] I love this.

[15:07] That has, has one raven in it.

[15:09] Even, even this is like, feels super budget where it's like, we got the money for one

[15:12] raven and one tree.

[15:14] That's the spooky forest.

Stuart Wellington

[15:14] It's like the tree is the one element in the background and then underneath it is like

[15:18] a blinking thing to indicate there's an item for you to pick up in a video game.

S2

[15:23] It's crazy.

[15:24] Well, there's a.

[15:24] Yes.

[15:24] It's the Looney Tunes version of the hole in the opening of the tree.

[15:29] And.

S2

[15:29] Yeah.

[15:30] Yes.

[15:30] Um.

[15:31] There's a, it's, I guess there's, oh, sorry.

[15:33] What do you say?

[15:33] Oh, I would just like to mark.

[15:35] I think it's important that we note that at minute three is the first use of the word

[15:39] wicked so that we know we're in Massachusetts.

[15:42] That's right.

[15:43] I was just curious.

[15:44] I am not from the new England area.

[15:46] So do people still use the word wicked?

[15:48] Because this, I was just there last weekend and all I could see for miles around were t-shirts

[15:54] that either said mass hole or dim apples or whatever.

[15:59] And then wicked, wicked, wicked.

[16:02] And I was like, is that a thing?

[16:04] Or is that like, I'm from Kansas City.

[16:07] Whenever you go home, it's sort of like it has the Alice or the Wizard of Oz jokes.

[16:12] But we don't like walk around each other.

[16:13] Right.

[16:13] It's like, ah, you know.

[16:16] I was curious.

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] I think, well, they say it less ever since, this was a big disaster about 10 years ago when

[16:23] the musical Wicked opened in Boston and opening night numbers were enormous.

[16:28] So many pre-sale tickets.

[16:29] And then they found out it was not about lit life in Boston, but instead the story, the

[16:34] Wicked Witch of the West story.

[16:36] And I remember the headline in the Boston Globe the next day, defying gravity, question

[16:41] mark, wicked fails to impress Beantown audiences.

[16:45] And ever since they've decided not to use the word, it's just a stain for them, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] Yeah.

[16:49] Because they saw the green using the poster and they're like, that's the color of the

[16:52] Celtics jerseys.

[16:53] It's got to be about Boston, right?

[16:54] Yep.

[16:54] Exactly.

S2

[16:56] Thousands of little girls, like so excited to see the story of the Boston Celtics put to

[17:03] music.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] Thrilled and thrilled.

[17:05] Not since, not since the film Bird opened in Boston.

[17:08] Everyone thought it was about Larry Bird and they all went to go see it.

[17:11] Such disappointment.

[17:12] Or the band Boston and everybody in Boston was like, we get to play?

[17:16] Wonderful.

[17:17] And they crowded the stage.

[17:18] It was a stampede.

[17:18] It was horrible.

[17:19] So many people trampled.

[17:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:21] It sent Ben Affleck into one of his spirals again, you know?

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:25] I feel so bad for Ben Affleck seeing him in one of those like online sports betting commercials

[17:29] and I'm like, oh shit, he's going to, he's on a downswing again.

Elliott Kalan

[17:33] I mean, there's no one I feel worse for than Regina King.

[17:35] She keeps getting locked out of her house and it's just lucky she has that credit card

[17:39] so she can pass the time.

[17:40] How many times is she going to forget her keys and get locked out of her house?

[17:43] It's like, come on, Regina King.

S2

[17:44] I always thought that was a car commercial.

[17:49] I've got the volume down, but she looks great.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] So, so, so, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, he hears some sinister whispers.

[17:57] That's what brings him to the tree.

[17:58] Great title for something, sinister whispers.

[18:00] And he sees something glinting inside.

[18:02] It's a doll.

[18:04] It's the doll we saw in the opening.

[18:05] And he decides he's going to make a story by pretending that the farmer found the doll

[18:10] and that the doll was broken and somehow that's connected to the cat emulations.

[18:14] And the farmer's like, that doll's not broken.

[18:15] So he breaks it.

[18:17] And so it's like, it's such a dumb decision for him to make that he has to do that.

S2

[18:22] It's like, my readers know a Kern doll must be broken in order to release the spirit within,

[18:28] have it go inside a tree, and pretend to be the Virgin Mary.

[18:30] We are stomping this doll.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] We got to break it.

[18:32] Got to break it.

[18:33] That night, he's driving at night.

[18:34] He's cursing himself for wrecking his career.

[18:36] He sees a woman in the road and swerves and crashes in the woods.

[18:39] We never find out what he does.

Stuart Wellington

[18:40] That's his first good decision of the day.

[18:42] He didn't run the woman over.

[18:43] That's true.

[18:44] Because he was drinking.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:45] And his car seems to be fine.

[18:47] We never see him bringing it to the garage or he just abandons it.

[18:52] This woman, she's in a white gown.

[18:54] He finds her kneeling at the tree, mumbling to herself, and then she passes out.

[18:58] And he carries her to the closest house, which is that of the local priest, played by William Sadler.

[19:03] That's right, the Grim Reaper himself, reunited with Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

[19:07] I don't think they've ever worked together before, but I'm still calling it a reunion, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[19:11] Oh, man.

[19:12] William Sadler is one of those character actors that anytime he shows up, I'm like, at least I'm going to get something out of this.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] Well, that was, yeah.

[19:18] I mean, I have nostalgia for the early parts of watching this movie when I thought, oh, there's potential here.

S2

[19:25] Look, William Sadler just showed up.

Dan McCoy

[19:27] And then it all dripped away over time.

S2

[19:30] There's no Sad and Sadler.

[19:33] Or is there?

[19:34] Damn it.

[19:36] I want to see a movie that's-

Dan McCoy

[19:37] Should have been named William Gladler.

[19:39] I think we can all agree.

[19:40] The Unsaddler.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] Dumb and Dumber was a big hit.

[19:43] We have William Sadler under contract.

[19:45] We'll do Sad and Sadler.

[19:46] It's about two guys who are super sad.

[19:52] It's basically Withnail and I, right?

[19:55] Yeah.

[19:57] Look, Dumb and Dumber was a huge hit.

[19:59] We've got the rights to do an American remake of Withnail and I for some reason.

[20:02] I don't know why we bought those.

[20:03] Let's just use them.

[20:04] Come on.

[20:07] So he takes a local priest, William Sadler, Father Hagen, and he goes, oh, this is my niece Alice.

[20:15] And he says, oh, I heard her talking at the tree.

[20:19] And there's a doctor who shows up, Dr. Gates, played by Katie Azelton.

[20:24] And she says, you couldn't have heard her talk.

[20:26] She's unable to hear or talk ever since birth.

[20:30] Bum, bum, bum.

[20:31] But we heard it, right?

[20:32] Right, guys?

[20:32] She was mumbling to herself something.

[20:34] The next day, Alice, she kneels and she prays and she hears a high-pitched noise.

[20:39] And she can hear.

[20:40] She can hear.

[20:41] This is amazing.

[20:42] She's done it.

[20:42] It's a miracle.

[20:44] And Jervie D. Morgan, he calls up.

[20:45] He FaceTimes with his editor at the Creepy Gazette online.

[20:51] And he's like.

[20:51] He says, forget cows.

Dan McCoy

[20:53] Cows are out.

[20:53] I got the new thing for you, boss.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] He gets in touch with his editor at Spooky Chive.

[20:57] And he says, this is the new story.

[20:59] And he's like, $150.

[21:01] You do it.

[21:02] That's our standard rate.

[21:03] No matter what the story is.

[21:05] And you got to know then he's FaceTiming with Woodward after that.

[21:09] And Woodward's like, I have proof that Donald Trump is a zombie.

[21:11] $150 is all we pay.

[21:16] And Fenn, the reporter, he goes to church.

[21:19] The doctor is there.

[21:21] And Alice, she starts hearing a woman whispering her name.

[21:24] And she follows it to that tree outside.

[21:26] She just gets up and walks out while her uncle, who raised her, is doing the sermon.

[21:31] Very, very disrespectful.

[21:33] Everyone follows her because they're like, a girl getting up and walking at a church.

[21:37] This I got to see.

Dan McCoy

[21:39] That was the part of the movie where I was like, you know, I was like, well, I was talking to myself.

[21:43] You know, Dan, you aren't paying that much attention to this movie.

[21:46] It's perfectly possible you missed something.

[21:48] But it's good to know that, yes, I'm not wrong.

[21:52] It's strange that everyone left at that point.

S2

[21:55] I kind of felt like the girls, like, because first it was the line of girls followed her.

[21:59] So I thought they were doing some sort of Salem witchy, Arthur Millery sort of thing.

[22:04] But I might have been thinking too hard.

[22:07] But all I know is that there's always something about if you are a young girl who is afflicted with anything in a movie,

[22:16] that you have to wear some sort of cashmere sensible twin set.

[22:22] That's very, like, and even more so if you become possessed.

[22:27] It's like you just do not.

[22:28] It's like, no, no, no.

[22:29] Back to the cardigans.

[22:31] Back to the cardigans.

Stuart Wellington

[22:31] And in which country, you can find those anywhere.

[22:35] Like, you go to any store, any truck stop, they have those available just because they're so in demand.

[22:40] Yeah.

S2

[22:41] Sensible New England sick and or possessed girls.

Dan McCoy

[22:45] I remember when I was very clearly a point when I was a young man in my 20s and I said to my friend Ariel,

[22:52] I said, Ariel, your skirt matches your cardigan.

[22:59] And she goes, yes, Dan, it's called a twin set.

[23:04] I'm like, great.

[23:06] I mean, like, these things that I would not know.

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] Dan's coming of age store I feel like we're getting into here.

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:12] I mean, that's the kind of prequel explanation that we need more of in today's media.

Dan McCoy

[23:17] Well, now you understand my fascination with twin sets now.

[23:21] It explains a lot, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] Dan's always had a fantasy about twin sets.

[23:27] So, anyway, Alice, she sees a vision of a woman made out of light and she's like, oh, the lady has an urgent message for all of us.

[23:34] And everyone's like.

S2

[23:35] Come back tomorrow.

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] Come back tomorrow.

[23:37] Our urgent message is come back tomorrow to see more, which is.

[23:40] Fucking teaser culture.

[23:42] It's less urgent.

S2

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:43] That's not urgent.

[23:44] Is she washing her hair?

[23:46] She is.

[23:46] She's like.

[23:47] The tree is not.

[23:48] The tree is a mess.

[23:50] The tree is not ready.

[23:51] Come tomorrow.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] She's got an urgent message that the trailer drops tomorrow.

[23:56] So, this is.

[23:57] And everyone goes.

[23:58] They're like, I can't wait to find it.

[23:59] She hasn't talked before.

[24:00] I can't wait to find out what this message is from the lady.

[24:02] And let me just tell you.

[24:04] I'm just going to.

[24:04] Here's a spoiler alert.

[24:05] There's a witch named Mary in this.

[24:06] That witch is so lucky her name was Mary.

[24:09] Yes.

[24:09] Because it means Alice can keep saying, Mary told me this.

[24:11] And everyone goes, gotta be the Virgin Mary.

[24:13] Only one Mary who talks to girls.

Stuart Wellington

[24:14] It's like the case of the mixed up name.

[24:16] It's so funny.

Elliott Kalan

[24:17] If that witch had been named like Betty, it would not have worked.

[24:22] So, we're like, Betty told me we all have to worship her.

[24:24] And people are like, no, thank you.

[24:26] Betty White, maybe.

[24:26] She's a national treasure.

[24:27] But still.

S2

[24:28] That old busybody.

[24:29] No.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] So, the reporter, he's like, this is a bigger story than I ever thought.

[24:36] This girl, she can talk.

[24:37] She can hear.

[24:38] This is amazing news.

[24:39] Splattered on the front page.

[24:41] Girl talks and hears now.

[24:42] She's seeing visions of the Virgin Mary.

[24:44] And he calls up his old boss at a big paper and pitches the story.

[24:47] And she says, don't call me again.

[24:49] You're a liar.

[24:50] Which is a totally.

[24:51] I don't know why she took his call, to be honest.

[24:54] And that night, he dreams of a creepy kind of crawling hooded figure emerging from a creek.

[25:00] A creepy, crawly creaker.

[25:01] A creepy, crawly creek creature.

[25:03] And he turns out his ceiling is leaking water on him.

[25:06] And here's this.

[25:08] So, we're going to.

[25:08] I missed that.

[25:09] It's just a weird dream.

[25:10] It just happens when water's leaking in your face.

[25:12] And so, but here's.

[25:13] So, there's a couple times here where the movie seems like it's fainting in the direction of maybe there isn't something going on here.

[25:19] But it doesn't last that way for long.

[25:21] But here's.

[25:22] We're being introduced to two different villain sides of the same character.

[25:26] One can talk and present herself as the Virgin Mary and think.

[25:30] And the other one is just a kind of gremlin-y creature that crawls around and has claws and goes.

[25:35] Yeah.

[25:35] And I couldn't.

[25:36] It was hard for me to believe these were the same creature.

[25:38] And I was wondering maybe they were just working together.

[25:40] Guys, what do you think?

S2

[25:41] So, I'm.

[25:42] I'm.

[25:43] I understand.

[25:44] I had the same question, too.

[25:45] Because I also sometimes does the whole.

[25:48] I'm moving like a cricket backwards thing.

[25:50] Yeah.

[25:51] It's very popular.

[25:52] That kind of like the ring version of that.

[25:54] And sometimes then I feel like it looks like Gollum slash Schmeagle.

[25:57] And I think we're going to have some interesting origin story.

[26:01] So, I'm all for.

[26:02] I mean, I'm all for creature evolution.

[26:04] I saw.

[26:05] I saw Alien back in the day.

[26:07] I get it.

[26:08] I get it.

[26:08] I'm cool.

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] Kids.

[26:11] Kids.

[26:11] Fellow kids.

[26:12] Let's talk about Alien.

[26:13] Come on.

S2

[26:14] And or Vincent Price.

[26:16] Clodry.

[26:17] I'm not for either.

[26:17] Pals of mine.

[26:20] But, yeah.

[26:21] I kept waiting for any.

[26:23] The linking thread about what all this was.

[26:26] And the last thing you want when you're.

[26:27] And this creature pops up a lot.

[26:30] And the last thing you want to.

[26:31] For your audience to be is like.

[26:33] Ugh.

[26:34] That guy.

[26:35] Like.

[26:36] Yeah.

[26:36] It's back.

[26:37] And then I thought.

[26:38] But then I thought actually.

[26:40] For a while.

[26:41] It wasn't really doing anything.

[26:42] So, it kind of show up.

[26:43] And I felt like it was kind of like.

[26:45] Maybe it just couldn't talk.

[26:47] Much like.

[26:48] Our protagonist.

[26:49] And so.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:50] It was sort of like.

[26:50] Actually a friendly creature.

[26:51] Who was sort of like.

[26:53] You know.

[26:53] Like.

[26:53] Knock, knock.

[26:55] Who's there?

[26:55] Damn apples.

[26:57] Or something.

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:58] Massachusetts.

[26:59] Yeah.

[26:59] Trying to ask about antiquing or something.

[27:01] It's like.

[27:01] We don't.

[27:02] We don't know.

[27:03] But then.

[27:03] Well this.

Elliott Kalan

[27:04] It's one of those movies.

[27:05] Apple cider donuts.

[27:05] The monster pops up to scare people.

[27:07] And then it's like.

[27:08] See you again tomorrow.

[27:09] And then leaves the room.

[27:10] And I'm always.

[27:11] I couldn't.

[27:11] I couldn't figure out.

[27:13] Why is this monster just not doing very much?

[27:15] Well.

[27:16] Why is this monster acting like the VeggieTales.

[27:19] And being pirates who don't do very much?

S2

[27:21] It pops up with a string set.

[27:23] And then goes away again.

[27:26] Which I thought was thoughtful.

[27:28] Now Dan.

[27:28] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] You're a monsterologist.

[27:30] What do you think?

Dan McCoy

[27:31] Well.

[27:31] The only way I can make this work is.

[27:33] Spoiler alert.

[27:34] The end of the movie.

[27:35] You know.

[27:35] Places this in a world where God does intervene.

[27:39] On behalf.

[27:40] Reluctantly.

[27:41] Yeah.

[27:41] After a long time.

[27:42] He waited.

[27:43] He took a sweet time.

[27:44] But.

[27:45] So if there is a God.

[27:46] Maybe these are just.

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] You like a miracle?

[27:48] Check back tomorrow.

[27:49] Maybe these dreams.

[27:50] God has a sign next to.

[27:51] Next to the gates of heaven that says.

[27:52] Don fish it.

[27:53] That says.

[27:53] I only gave myself enough time on earth to handle it.

[27:57] One person's problem at a time.

[27:58] Today is not your day.

[28:00] Tomorrow is not looking too good either.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:03] He comes back from vacation.

[28:04] What the hell?

[28:06] No.

[28:06] I can only understand this maybe as like.

[28:09] Premonitions.

[28:09] Because.

[28:10] Of the true nature of this monster.

[28:13] Oh.

[28:13] Okay.

[28:14] Because.

[28:15] If it's just the monster.

[28:16] It seems like a really bad strategy on the monster's part.

[28:18] Because.

[28:19] The whole plot is like.

[28:20] Pretending to be good.

[28:22] Pretending to be miracles.

[28:23] Yeah.

[28:24] And it seems to be really working against yourself.

[28:26] If you're also simultaneously appearing in people's dreams.

[28:29] Being like.

Stuart Wellington

[28:29] It does seem like a terrible strategy.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] Like.

[28:33] Shouldn't you be like.

[28:34] Everything's cool.

[28:35] Play it cool.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:36] Exactly.

[28:38] Don't run to yourself too early.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] It's the con man who's like.

[28:41] Well.

[28:41] Don't overthink it.

[28:43] I've got an excellent business opportunity.

[28:45] Give me your money.

[28:45] Here's a gun.

[28:46] I think you should invest in this one.

[28:48] Now.

[28:48] I'm going to kill you.

[28:49] Yeah.

[28:49] So.

S2

[28:50] It's in the swamp.

[28:51] Here's a hint.

Elliott Kalan

[28:54] So the next day.

[28:55] Everyone's gathered outside the church.

[28:56] It's a very small town.

[28:57] There's not a lot going on.

[28:58] If a girl who's not.

[28:59] Doesn't talk very much.

[29:00] Tells you to come back at a tree.

[29:02] You're going to go do that.

[29:03] And the priest.

[29:05] Father Hagen is like.

[29:06] Get out of here.

[29:07] Get out of here.

[29:07] Alice wants to be left alone.

[29:09] Alice doesn't feel that way though.

[29:10] Because Alice shows up.

[29:11] And heals the kid in a wheelchair.

[29:12] So he can walk.

[29:13] And everyone's like.

[29:14] And inside the church.

[29:15] Meanwhile.

[29:16] The Virgin Mary is crying blood.

[29:17] A statue of the Virgin Mary.

[29:19] She's not there.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] As soon as I saw that statue.

[29:21] After we get like.

[29:22] Early on in the movie.

[29:23] I'm like.

[29:23] That thing is going to be crying.

[29:25] Like a mother.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:27] I mean.

[29:28] She's crying like a mother.

[29:29] Because her only son.

[29:30] Was murdered.

Dan McCoy

[29:31] You know.

[29:32] It's going to look like.

[29:32] What?

[29:33] A Kathy comic.

[29:34] Who did that?

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] Why did they murder her son?

[29:37] Well.

[29:37] He was going around saying.

[29:38] He was the king of kings and stuff.

[29:40] Had some wild ideas.

[29:41] Okay.

[29:41] He was going around telling.

[29:42] I was thinking about this the other day.

[29:43] That it's a bad sign for humanity.

[29:46] That every couple centuries or so.

[29:48] Religions have to pop up.

[29:49] And be like.

[29:50] You should be nice to each other.

[29:51] That that's.

[29:52] And then.

[29:52] And then we forget about it.

[29:53] For like 500 years.

[29:54] And then it has to happen again.

[29:55] It's just a bad sign.

[29:56] For the way we do things.

[29:56] Okay.

[29:57] Guys.

[29:58] We're going to have.

[29:58] We're about to get to my favorite character.

[29:59] In the whole movie.

[30:00] Bishop Cary Elwes.

[30:01] The bishop of this part of Massachusetts.

[30:03] And he's giving a slideshow on faith healing shrines.

[30:07] And how all these shrines mean.

[30:08] Bafo B.O.

[30:09] For the CC.

[30:10] That's the Catholic Church.

[30:12] And when they confirm a miracle occurs.

[30:14] They got to snap up that land.

[30:15] And make it a shrine.

[30:16] And the local.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] And the local bid.

[30:18] Like the local business improvement district.

[30:20] Is going to make a little bit of cash.

[30:21] Oh yeah.

[30:22] Because people come through.

[30:22] And they got to buy those apple cider donuts.

[30:24] Those twin sets.

[30:25] All that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] They got to get that salt water taffy.

[30:27] They needed all those.

[30:28] That kettle corn.

[30:29] And the Cape Cod potato chips.

[30:30] All that stuff.

[30:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:31] They need branded votary.

[30:32] What.

[30:33] Votive candles.

[30:34] And branded like holy water.

[30:35] And shit like that.

[30:36] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] Later on.

[30:38] That little Alice themed craft fair.

[30:39] Pops up so fast.

[30:41] With all the candles that have her face on it.

[30:43] Man.

[30:43] You got to.

[30:43] You got to respect that hustle.

[30:44] Right.

[30:45] Oh.

[30:45] You got to.

[30:46] You have to.

[30:46] Literally.

[30:46] By law.

S2

[30:47] I picture a little Stan that's like.

[30:50] We got dim Braeburns.

[30:51] Dim Red Delicious.

[30:52] Dim Yellow Golden.

[30:54] Dim.

[30:54] Like dim.

[30:55] Whatever dim you want.

Elliott Kalan

[30:58] That's what I did.

[31:00] The Vatican sent someone to investigate.

[31:02] That's Monsignor Delgard.

[31:04] Hell yeah.

[31:05] The hot priest.

[31:05] Yeah.

[31:06] He's a hot priest.

[31:07] And his job is to go around.

[31:09] Fucking up people who say they have miracles.

[31:11] And like.

[31:11] Yeah.

[31:12] He is the official buzzkill of the Catholic Church.

[31:14] He goes and he disproves miracles left and right.

[31:16] And to do that.

[31:17] He's got to show that.

[31:18] One.

[31:18] He goes there's three.

[31:19] There's three classifications a miracle has to.

[31:22] Has to abide by.

[31:23] One.

[31:23] It's got to be a spontaneous cure.

[31:25] Two.

[31:25] It's got to be total.

[31:27] Three.

[31:27] Don't feed it after midnight.

[31:28] It's going to turn into a gremlin.

[31:30] Oh wow.

[31:31] Those are the rules of a miracle.

Dan McCoy

[31:33] Now there have been.

[31:34] You know.

[31:34] Many things.

[31:36] Referring to like Catholic priests doing this.

[31:38] Like this is the premise of like the show Evil for instance.

[31:40] That like.

[31:41] They have.

[31:42] Investigators go around.

[31:43] Basically disproving miracles most of the time.

[31:47] So.

[31:48] Because that is a common theme.

[31:51] I don't know anything about it.

[31:52] But I can only assume that it's based on something in real life.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] Yeah.

[31:55] I mean.

[31:56] People.

[31:56] People report miracles to the church.

[31:58] And the church wants to.

[31:59] See if by their laws.

[32:00] It's a real miracle.

[32:01] Right.

[32:01] And it distracts people from the massive criminality and immorality of much of the priesthood.

[32:06] So it's.

[32:07] This is my point.

[32:08] It's all around.

[32:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:09] My point is it just seems like a bad strategy on the Catholic church to be like let's go

[32:14] out and disprove all these miracles rather than being like yeah yeah sure that's a miracle

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] too.

[32:17] They're all miracles.

[32:18] I think.

[32:18] Well I think they know a lot of these miracles are going to be disproven anyway.

[32:21] You got to get ahead of that.

[32:22] You know.

[32:23] And also if you did believe in miracles much like the old question of the old song asking

[32:29] if you believed in magic.

[32:30] I don't.

[32:30] But some people do.

[32:31] If you do believe in miracles and you think that believing in the wrong miracle could damn

[32:36] your soul for eternity you're going to want to get it right.

[32:39] Is that a rule?

[32:41] Is that a rule?

[32:42] I mean because then it because then it shades into idolatry I assume and things like that.

[32:46] And like that's they take that very seriously in the Catholic church.

[32:49] Again crimes against children not taken as seriously but idolatry taken very seriously.

[32:54] Guys I'm just going out on a limb here.

[32:56] I'm just saying.

[32:56] Okay.

[32:57] So I can do it.

[32:58] That's okay.

[32:58] I'm Jewish.

[32:59] They have no power over me.

[33:00] Whenever whenever whenever whenever a priest comes to me and they're like do this thing

[33:03] I'm like you you have no power over me.

[33:06] Elliot's going to recommend Spotlight later.

[33:10] Just as a corrective to the unholy.

[33:12] The priest knows.

S2

[33:15] I'm a lapsed Catholic so maybe you and I could start a feud.

[33:18] Okay.

[33:19] I hope I'm not offended.

[33:20] Or unprove.

[33:21] Unprove miracles.

[33:23] That'll be our sequel movie that we do.

[33:25] Yeah.

[33:25] The unproven.

[33:26] The unproven.

[33:27] I hope I'm not offended.

[33:27] The most boring show in the world.

[33:29] Like meh.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Could be.

[33:34] But you're right because it's like also I know the X-Files when they originally made it.

[33:38] Part of the pitch was sometimes it's going to be a real thing and sometimes it's going to be a real thing.

[33:42] It's going to be a fake thing that Scully wins out.

[33:44] And they threw that away almost immediately.

[33:46] They're like it's a lot more fun if it always turns out to be real ghosts and monsters.

[33:49] As opposed to Scooby Doo.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] Creates a huge problem with the character of Scully as it goes on.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] When after three years she's like I don't believe in aliens.

[33:58] I need to see a tenth person get abducted.

[34:01] There's that character in the DC universe Doctor 13 who's like there's always a rational explanation.

[34:07] I don't believe in it.

[34:08] And it's like you literally live in a superhero universe.

[34:10] Like just go with it.

[34:11] I don't understand.

[34:12] So anyway.

[34:14] So they sent this guy.

[34:15] Meanwhile Alice is telling the press about the lady as she calls her.

[34:18] She says Mary wants everyone's faith.

[34:20] And they're like go for it definitely.

[34:22] And Jeffrey Dean Morgan is like says – he pitches to the priests, to the bishop.

[34:26] He goes give me the exclusive on Alice.

[34:29] I'll record the investigation.

[34:31] And if Alice fails I'll take the blame and I'll set it all up.

[34:35] And Bishop Elweser is like hmm.

[34:36] This would be a second chance for you in a way.

[34:39] And I don't really know why they agreed to this agreement.

[34:43] It seems like they have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] Like the plot of this whole movie is like that Anakin and Padme meme where Anakin in this case would be saying Mary wants your faith.

[34:53] And Padme is like Mary the mother of Christ, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] And then –

[34:59] Right?

[35:00] That's such a good meme.

[35:01] So anyway, Father Hagen –

S2

[35:05] It's like this is the most important thing to happen to the church in a millennium.

[35:09] So you know the best person to count on is the drunk, lying, clickbait, supernatural, doll-cracking journalist.

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] Maybe he's just a really good pitch man.

[35:21] Like maybe he's just great in the room and we're not picking up on it because he rolls up his sleeves.

[35:25] You see he's got tattoos like he's a chef or some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[35:29] He's serious.

[35:30] He's a real low energy pitcher which works in the room because he's making the buyer provide the energy.

[35:35] Yeah, that makes sense.

[35:36] Yeah.

S2

[35:36] And we've seen that he has that great connection in chemistry with Alice since he almost ran her down.

[35:43] But didn't.

[35:44] While he was trying – but did not.

[35:45] But did not.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Good point.

[35:46] Later he does give her a mix CD.

[35:49] So they really did connect.

[35:51] There's a line later.

[35:52] I'll skip ahead to it.

[35:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:53] Let's get to this line.

[35:55] Wait.

[35:55] Where he says – where?

[35:56] I have it written down.

[35:57] Hold on.

[35:58] He's giving her this CD and – what is it?

[36:02] He's like –

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] Well, when he said, I got something for you and I said a mix CD.

[36:06] And then he pulls out a mix CD.

[36:08] He pulls out a mix CD.

[36:09] And it's got classic rock on it.

[36:11] And he goes, it's also got the stuff kids listen to.

[36:13] Billie Eilish, Rufus Wainwright, Smashing Pumpkins.

[36:15] And I was like, hold on a second.

[36:17] They looked up one contemporary recording artist and then like Smashing Pumpkins, they're in their what, 50s now?

[36:23] Like come on, everybody.

[36:24] This is – the idea that kids are like, oh, I just can't wait to go home and make a TikTok to the Rufus Wainwright album.

Dan McCoy

[36:29] I'm going to pull out my Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness CD that I'm still listening to.

S2

[36:37] Where is the toad the wet sprocket, man?

[36:40] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[36:41] Just the idea that he gave her a mix CD and she was like, what do I do with this?

[36:46] Throws it away.

[36:46] What is this?

[36:47] How do I stick this in my phone?

S2

[36:49] Do I put this in my toaster?

[36:51] I don't understand how to listen to these eagles of which you speak.

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] But we'll get to that.

[36:57] So Father Hagen finds the Kern doll.

[37:00] He's suspicious.

[37:01] The hooded monster is about to attack him.

[37:03] But then like some workers walk into the church and it disappears because I guess it has performance anxiety.

[37:07] Like you just can't – I can't kill someone with so many people watching.

[37:11] And this is – so there's a scene here where Alice is talking to Fen about I can hear music now.

[37:15] It's amazing.

[37:16] I'm mostly listening to country.

[37:17] And he's horrified by this.

[37:18] And he interviews her and she says,

[37:20] Mary answered her prayers for a voice and Mary wants her and Fen to spread the word – her word and she'll actually return Fen to power in the journalistic world if he helps.

[37:31] So already this is – she's presenting this as a Virgin Mary who makes deals which doesn't seem to be – it's like that right there should be a tip off.

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:39] That the good side isn't usually like do what I say and you will receive great power.

[37:44] Like that's usually a bad guy agreement.

S2

[37:46] Bring me a zinger and thanks for you.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] And Uncle Hagen is like I don't like it.

[37:52] Everyone is exploiting Alice.

[37:54] His emphysema is acting up.

[37:55] It's going terrible.

[37:56] I don't want her – in the past everyone who sees a miracle ends up dying or getting locked up or going crazy.

[38:01] It's terrifying.

[38:02] I don't want that to happen to her.

[38:03] And Jeopardy Morgan does minimal research and finds out the town has an incredible history of superstitions and witch magic.

[38:09] It's like there's so many parts in this where it's like we have to find out more.

[38:13] Well, let me look at the first piece of paper lying on this desk.

[38:15] There was a witch here.

[38:18] But Alice is singing beautifully for the priests and the investigators.

[38:22] Meanwhile, they're talking while she's singing.

[38:24] It's very rude.

[38:25] And the investigator is like I disproved all these cases.

[38:28] It's amazing.

[38:29] Father Hagen suddenly he has a heart attack.

[38:30] Uh-oh.

[38:31] But Alice heals him.

[38:33] And you know what?

[38:34] His emphysema is gone.

[38:35] He can breathe fine again.

[38:36] But he sees a monster behind her.

Dan McCoy

[38:38] Bump, bump, bump.

[38:40] Again, popping up.

[38:42] This all seems like it's probably on the up and up.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] Just asking for a cup of sugar.

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] Yeah, doesn't she ask him to like devote his life to Mary or some shit or swear on a stack of Mary's or something?

[38:57] Yeah, she does.

[38:57] When she heals him.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] And again, it's such dumb Three's Company garbage where it's like –

[39:03] A different Mary.

[39:04] I know.

[39:05] It's like how when –

Stuart Wellington

[39:06] Has he found the magic diary yet or is that later?

[39:09] No, that's in a little bit.

[39:09] With all the sick D&D drawings?

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] Yeah.

[39:11] So it's a little bit like when Prince wanted to get out of that contract so he changed his name and the courts were like, nothing we can do about it.

[39:16] You made an agreement with this name.

[39:18] Not with this person.

[39:19] It was the name making that music.

[39:21] So his lungs are completely healed.

[39:24] The tree is declared an official Catholic shrine.

[39:27] They really fast-tracked that one.

[39:28] They cut through all the red tape at the Vatican.

[39:30] The news goes viral as always happens when the Catholic church declares a shrine.

[39:36] It is the biggest news in the world and the 24-hour cable networks are all over it.

[39:40] I guess finally the religion correspondent at CNN has a big – his beat blows up.

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] Yeah, and it draws tens of people to the location.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] Yeah, the same tens.

[39:51] I wish they had really steered into the fact that it was shot during COVID and just had each of those people wearing a sign that said 100 people on it.

[39:59] Like a game of Risk where you're like, this represents 10.

[40:03] This represents 10.

Dan McCoy

[40:04] They have those cutouts that they were filling stadiums with but they just sort of like attach them so there's like two on each side of a person as they walk around.

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] There's all these excited baseball fans who went to go see this shrine.

[40:19] That would be so funny.

[40:21] So Finn has offered a spot at his old newspaper but he's like, no, I want to be an editor on the special sections desk.

[40:27] And which – what he's provided so far does not – that doesn't seem rational.

[40:30] But the editor, his old boss is like, I'll get back to you.

[40:34] He's like, you don't get this story without me.

[40:36] And she's like, the biggest story in the world that a girl had a vision?

[40:40] There's no other stories that big.

[40:41] We've got to have it.

[40:43] So Alice is leaving.

[40:44] She's going to live at the diocese.

[40:46] Finn gives her that mix CD to remember him by, classic rock, plus some kid stuff as we mentioned like Rufus Wainwright.

[40:51] And Alice goes, the lady is pleased with your work.

[40:54] And he's like, that doesn't sound suspicious.

[40:56] Great.

[40:56] That's the night when Father Hagen finds this old book.

[40:59] Stuart, please describe this old 400-year-old – 200-year-old notebook that was just lying around.

Stuart Wellington

[41:04] So yeah, it's in the basement of the church I think.

[41:07] It's in the creepy basement full of mannequins with sheets on them.

[41:10] And it's stuffed in a nook between a couple of stones.

[41:14] When he finds it, he's probably thinking, yay, this is some antique pornography.

[41:17] It is not.

[41:18] It is a diary about, I guess, what?

[41:22] Evil Mary, the evil witch.

[41:23] And it has some sick drawings of demons in it that are pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] It looks like – it's like a colonial teen's notebook.

[41:32] Like a colonial teen boy was like doodling.

[41:34] Doodling?

[41:35] Yeah, yeah.

[41:36] Doodling all these demons.

[41:36] He's like, this is going to be on the cover of my mix CD.

S2

[41:40] He's like, goody Susan looks hot today.

Dan McCoy

[41:45] Mrs. Goodman Proctor is written over and over again on it.

[41:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] I'm just working on some cover art for the first album for my band, Hat Buckle.

[41:54] We're going to – we're kind of like – we're that New England pre-punk sound.

[42:00] So Fen goes out drinking with the doctor, Dr. Gates.

[42:03] And obviously there are going to be romantic interests though.

[42:06] It's kind of half-baked throughout.

[42:07] And he's like, you know, I made up all these stories to stay famous.

[42:10] And she's like, let me tell you about Kern dolls.

[42:11] Anyway, some of them – they were usually buried –

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] Are they Kern dolls or Kern babies?

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] They're Kern –

Stuart Wellington

[42:17] Are they called Kern – I thought they were called Kern babies because that's funnier.

[42:22] I –

[42:22] That's what I'm saying.

[42:24] Kern babies.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] Yeah, Kern babies.

[42:25] I mean they were invented by Jerome Kern.

[42:27] That's all I know about them.

[42:29] That's the extent to my knowledge.

[42:31] Yeah, that's the cartoon.

[42:32] Kern babies with little Jerome Kern.

[42:35] Yeah.

[42:37] He's just writing for Broadway, but he's a baby.

[42:40] So she's like, these Kern dolls, they're mostly for good luck.

[42:43] But sometimes if they wrapped them in chains, it was because they bound a demon or a witch inside them.

[42:48] And put a fake date on them.

[42:49] And put a fake – that's right because it says like February 30th, 1845 on it.

[42:54] And he was like, stupid calendar.

[42:56] Doesn't have that day.

[42:57] Smash.

[42:58] And she's like –

[42:58] Well, they chain him up and put a fake date on it.

[43:01] So it was like it couldn't be opened ever.

[43:03] And he's like, oh, I may have made a mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[43:06] I smashed that doll because I thought it was a Pisces.

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] And they stumble over to the creek from his dream.

[43:13] And he sees a scary jump scare face in the creek.

[43:15] And he's like, I've got to go talk to Father Hagen about this because there's no other people in the town.

[43:20] Of course he's going to talk to Father Hagen.

S2

[43:21] At that point too, he does like – I like it because there's a double jump situation.

[43:25] Yes.

[43:25] He's looking into deep, deep, deep, deep.

[43:28] This movie takes its time.

[43:30] I've got to tell you what.

[43:31] Like when you're closing in and waiting for the scare, it's sort of like –

[43:34] Stretch.

[43:35] I know you're not about to look at anything, but you're going to keep doing that for a while longer.

[43:40] And it's just like water, water, water.

[43:42] Scoop, re, re, re.

[43:44] And then he turns around to see his doctor of all trades friend who can read x-rays and read sign language and have access.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Later, she's like, let me translate this ancient – this old book.

[43:59] Latin was part of the basic curriculum at medical school.

[44:02] And like maybe it is.

[44:03] I've never been to medical school, but I've never heard another doctor say that.

S2

[44:07] They were like, we are going to pass this Bechdel test or die.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] Yeah, yeah.

[44:13] Of course they taught us the international language of science at Cornell Medical College, Latin.

S2

[44:16] And some Latin and the Latin for – to translate the devil papers.

Stuart Wellington

[44:21] There was that time I was on a flight and they're like, is there a medical doctor on the plane?

[44:25] We need somebody to translate this Latin.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] Is there a doctor in the house?

[44:31] I found an old rune.

[44:34] Is it cool to break this, Doc?

[44:37] Should we do that?

[44:39] I was describing this movie to somebody recently and I was like, this is a fine movie for like a 12-year-old sleepover party.

[44:46] And part of that is because, like you're saying, the jump scares take so long that it's like the movie is like, okay, is everyone ready?

[44:53] A scary thing is going to jump out.

[44:55] Ready?

[44:55] Oh, he's still tying his shoes.

[44:56] Hold on.

[44:57] If you want to leave the room, there's just five more minutes.

S2

[45:00] You hold the popcorn because the popcorn has to fly.

[45:03] You get the popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] Like you might as well have a countdown clock in the bottom of the screen that's like, countdown to jump scare.

[45:08] Five, four, three, pause.

[45:11] Okay, just to make sure everyone's ready.

[45:13] Again, yes.

[45:13] And jump scare.

[45:15] Okay, we made it.

[45:16] Let's move on.

[45:17] There's a lot of that.

[45:18] So he's going to go talk to Hagen.

[45:21] But first, uh-oh.

[45:22] Hagen, this is my favorite scene in the movie.

[45:23] This is a scene I actually really liked a lot.

[45:25] Hagen is visited in the confession booth by the evil lady, Mary the witch.

[45:30] And you don't see her.

[45:31] She's just on the other side of the confession screen.

[45:33] But she's threatening him in very, like, graphic terms.

[45:36] And I was like, this is the one scene in the movie where I was like, if it kept going in this direction with this kind of, like, very straightforward, evil, sinister quality, then I could have seen it doing some interesting things.

Stuart Wellington

[45:48] If this was, like, the first instance of scary shit happening, it would be great.

[45:55] It would be super effective.

[45:56] Like, if she had been a little bit tighter on her game and hadn't let all the scary stuff slip earlier.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] If she hadn't kept letting her evil part out without warning.

S2

[46:06] And I would say, isn't it followed immediately by, I love a good hanging.

[46:09] Yeah.

[46:09] Like, I love a good, like, suicide in the church sort of thing.

[46:12] So, like, that whole little vignette, I was, plus she had that Irish accent.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Yeah, it's all.

[46:19] And so he's like, I'm going to pray to Mary.

[46:21] And she's like, which Mary is stronger, me or your Mary?

[46:25] And he, apparently her, because they find her.

[46:29] Fen finds him having been hung to death, hanged to death in the church.

[46:33] Bump, bump, bump.

[46:34] Yeah, that sequence.

[46:34] Like, if that was the opening of the movie almost.

[46:37] And then the rest of the movie was completely different.

[46:40] It would have been a different movie.

[46:42] And the bishop is like, there's nothing to see here.

[46:45] It's just a normal suicide.

[46:46] And it's one of those things where it's like, you should, well, shouldn't the bishop be curious about why one of his priests committed suicide if that's actually what happened?

[46:53] Nothing to see here.

[46:54] Nothing to see here.

Dan McCoy

[46:54] It's really his choice to, like, to proclaim that?

[46:58] Like, as the bishop, I'm going to say, don't worry about it.

[47:02] It's his case, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Yeah, he's Detective Bishop.

Dan McCoy

[47:05] The precinct gave this one to him.

[47:07] He was just having to be.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] He's a descendant to Father Brown, I guess.

[47:10] But it's like, yeah, it's on church property.

[47:13] Therefore, American law does not apply.

[47:14] I declare this self-hanging.

[47:17] And he's like, Fen, could you keep quiet on this?

[47:20] Because we really need more shrines.

[47:21] The world's going to hell.

[47:22] And the only thing that's going to save us is shrines.

[47:24] That's going to back up our faith.

[47:26] And Fen's like, that's okay.

[47:27] I don't know if I totally buy that logic.

[47:29] But he talks to Alice.

[47:31] And Alice is like, I'm sad, but I still believe in Mary.

[47:33] She's the best.

[47:34] But then Fen, every time he goes back to his hotel, Mary is there to whisper at him and, like, kind of hover around as a hooded spooky monster and not do anything.

[47:43] And it's like, is she also staying at that hotel?

[47:45] Is that what it is?

[47:46] Like, Mary the witch is also staying at the motel and keeps bumping into him on the way to the ice machine.

S2

[47:50] She only got paid $150 to be here.

[47:53] So what do you want?

Stuart Wellington

[47:54] Speaking of pay, we're assuming he's still staying in that motel.

[47:58] He hasn't gotten paid yet.

[48:00] And yet he goes to the funeral for Father Hagen and he's wearing different clothes.

[48:07] Like, does he just keep funereal garb in the back of his car?

[48:11] Did he buy those?

[48:13] Like, did, I don't know.

S2

[48:14] They're next to the twin set and dim apples t-shirts.

[48:17] Thank you.

[48:17] I think so.

[48:19] Isle three.

Dan McCoy

[48:22] I like this idea of, like, yeah, adventures of Masshole Father Hagen.

[48:26] And just, like, Carrie Elway's going around being a priest but being real Boston.

S2

[48:31] Real super Boston-y, yeah.

[48:33] Because an isle is like, someone die?

[48:35] And then arrow.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] Just eating cream pies and Yankee beans and, yeah.

S2

[48:40] Speaking of which, speaking of someone die, I would like to mark that about this point of which you were speaking, Elliot, we were like, I counted 52 minutes into the movie and no one, it was before Mr. Father Hagen died.

[48:56] And I had written in my notes, someone die with exclamation marks because I was getting so, like, you.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] This movie has such an incredibly low body count, which, again, if it was a real life story, good.

[49:09] I want it to be, I want every real life story to have a minimal body count.

[49:12] But if it's a movie, like, come on, there's, like, get some, get some, drop some guys on the floor.

[49:17] Come on, let's do this.

Dan McCoy

[49:18] That's why Elliot's watching the Muppet movie, like, when are one of them going to die?

[49:24] Come on.

[49:25] You hit Gonzo's car with your car.

[49:28] Someone should have perished in that crash.

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] I'm like, well, at least at the end I know Kermit's legs are going to get chopped off by Doc Hopper.

[49:34] Maybe that'll make up for it.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] Are you telling me that Rolf is more interesting alive than dead?

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] I don't think so.

[49:40] I don't think so.

[49:41] Oh, no.

[49:42] Rolf is one of those characters I appreciate more as a grown-up.

[49:45] But as a kid I was always like, as a kid I was always like, enough Rolf stuff.

[49:50] Enough with Rolf.

[49:51] There's something irresistible.

S2

[49:54] We gotta grin it cause the nights are long.

[49:59] Hit it, guys.

[50:00] I hope that something better comes along.

Elliott Kalan

[50:04] Every time I'd watch the Muppet shows, the kid in Rolf would come on and be like, oh, God.

[50:08] He's going to sing some song.

[50:10] It's not going to be funny, but he's going to waggle his eyes like he thinks it's funny.

[50:14] Anyway, but of course Jim Henson I'm sure was like, I love this character.

[50:18] He's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[50:18] Oh, he totally did.

[50:19] I think, yeah, I think that I had the same thing.

[50:21] As a kid I'm like, well, now there's just going to be some piano playing.

[50:24] But now I love that dog so much.

S2

[50:27] I will say, as a screenwriter, there are entire characters and character arcs that are in things that I do only to amuse me.

[50:37] I cannot defend them.

[50:39] If you ask me to, I will just say, because that's cool.

[50:43] It made me laugh.

[50:44] You're by yourself a long time when you're writing.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] It just worries me because at a certain point Jim Henson became more Rolf than man, and that was not good for him.

[50:53] When his family would walk into his room and they'd hear two voices and they'd walk in and it was just Jim.

[50:59] And it turned out he was talking to himself as Rolf in the middle of the night.

[51:02] Very scary.

[51:04] Not as scary as The Unholy, though, because as we'll see, checking his interview footage, thank you,

[51:09] Fen sees that Mary's blurry shape has appeared next to Alice.

[51:13] And then he pauses the image and the video, and then Mary keeps moving and then disappears.

[51:19] Yeah.

[51:19] And it's like, come on, dude.

[51:20] That makes him suspect something might be going on, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[51:23] Come on, dude.

[51:24] Like, I'm not a huge fan of the movie Sinister, but at least that movie did that shit right.

[51:29] Like, if you're going to do, like, weird video shenanigans, at least do it right.

Elliott Kalan

[51:32] That's what the rave from you on the poster for Sinister says.

[51:35] Does weird video shenanigans right?

[51:39] That's a rave.

[51:40] Yeah, that's right.

[51:42] So he goes, anyway, he asked the doctor, he goes, can you show me the church records?

[51:46] And she has to, because she's the only other person in the movie.

[51:50] It doesn't really make sense that she's the one you would go to to find them.

[51:53] And while Hagen's funeral's going on, they go to that spooky basement.

[51:56] They find the demon diary.

[51:58] This is when the doctor says, oh, I know Latin.

[51:59] I learned it in medical school.

[52:00] And she translates that it was the hanging of the witch and bride of Satan, Mary Elnor.

[52:06] And Mary was a miracle worker who claimed to speak for the Virgin Mary, but she killed anyone who challenged her.

[52:11] And then she confessed to serving Satan.

[52:13] So they had a Virgin Mary mask nailed to her face, which seems like overkill.

[52:17] And then they burned her and her ashes were put in that Kern doll.

[52:22] Oh, boy.

S2

[52:24] We're not messing around back then.

Dan McCoy

[52:26] Yeah, even if this person's a demon, like, I feel like the church should have been like, there should have been somebody who was like, okay, agreed, we have to deal with the demon.

[52:36] Do we have to nail a mask to her face?

[52:40] Is that part of, like, what we do as the church right now?

[52:43] Is that our thing?

S2

[52:46] And also, does it have to sound sort of like I'm eating pickles when I nail the mask?

[52:51] Yeah.

[52:51] I was trying to figure out what the fuck that sound was.

[52:54] That sound at the beginning is so funny because it's like, yeah, someone's hitting a wet sock against a wall.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] And you're like, what?

[53:01] It's such a goofy sound.

[53:03] What do I know?

S2

[53:03] I have not had the fortune to be at a mask nailing ever in my life.

[53:08] No, true.

[53:09] So who's to say?

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] I imagine the guy walks up with the mask and the nails and someone's like, is that part of it?

[53:14] And he goes, it's not strictly regulation.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] It's not part of it.

Stuart Wellington

[53:19] Do you have just a scrap that we could use instead of those things?

[53:23] They're like, we're all done here.

[53:24] He's like, but I brought the mask and nails.

[53:27] They're like, oh, fine.

[53:30] Go ahead.

S2

[53:30] Get it out of your system.

[53:31] It's going to whine all night otherwise.

Stuart Wellington

[53:34] So this is where they, after reading this scary story, they're like, oh, this is pretty scary.

[53:38] And then they look over and they're like, man, was this room always filled with mannequins covered in fucking sheets?

[53:44] And they're like, I guess so.

[53:45] So they walk over and they pull one off.

[53:47] It turns out it's just a very happy looking Jesus statue.

[53:50] And you're like, okay, this looks a little weird.

[53:52] It looks like buddy Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] It does look like buddy Jesus.

[53:55] I just said, and it's like, it's like a puckishly like, like little rascal box, big boy, smiling Jesus.

[54:01] And you understand why they threw a sheet over it.

[54:03] They were like, this is ridiculous.

[54:04] We can't put this in the church.

[54:06] They like, it arrives and they call up the, they call up the relic set, the, the, whatever you could, the statue manufacturer.

[54:15] And they're like, you got to take this back.

[54:17] It looks ridiculous.

[54:19] Like that smile.

[54:20] What?

[54:20] Jesus is a happy guy.

[54:21] He died for our sins.

[54:22] He's in heaven now.

[54:23] No, no, no, no, no.

[54:24] This is, this goes beyond the pale.

[54:25] Well, we have a no returns policy.

[54:27] Okay.

[54:28] Put in the basement, put a sheet over it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] So they, we have this like fake out scare.

[54:32] And then immediately a different mannequin turns out that it's scary Mary and she flies at them.

[54:38] And then they just like fly out of the church.

[54:39] And that's the end of the scene.

[54:41] Right.

[54:42] Like it's edited super weird.

S2

[54:44] And then they're kind of like, well, that was weird.

[54:45] That happened.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] And it's like that Mary is like, they left the room.

[54:50] I'm powerless to stop them.

[54:52] I can't, I can't get to them anywhere else.

[54:54] I only have a puddle of water to read.

[54:57] She's going through her location card deck and she's like, oh, I already used up forest and, and, and field.

[55:03] What do I have left?

[55:05] Meanwhile, while that's happening, Alice tells everyone, hey, Mary wants us to hold a big, a big event for her at the shrine tree tomorrow.

[55:11] And everyone's like, yeah, definitely.

Dan McCoy

[55:13] But every, but, but we have to pretend like it wasn't Mary's idea.

[55:16] She wants it to be a surprise.

[55:18] So everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[55:22] And then his boss calls and is like, you got the job.

[55:25] You can be the editor of your own demons and cattle section of the newspaper.

[55:29] Whatever you want to put in it.

[55:31] It's like, I mean, this is the field that I got forced into.

[55:34] It's not what my passion is.

[55:35] I don't care.

[55:36] You want to make it about girls who used to not talk and now they talk great.

[55:39] It's going to be a special insert every day in the paper.

[55:41] You got pages to fill.

[55:42] Let's get to it.

Dan McCoy

[55:44] I just, I mean, like, it is a weird, for someone who like was, you know, ruined their career by lying.

[55:51] I feel like supernatural is a weird choice of thing to get into.

[55:56] True.

[55:58] It's a solid show.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] It was on for seasons and seasons.

[56:01] There's so many episodes to catch up on.

[56:02] That's true.

S2

[56:03] Yeah.

[56:03] I thought it was a statement of the malleability of truth in today's current sociopolitical climate.

[56:09] Mm-hmm.

[56:10] Oh, wow.

[56:11] I was assuming.

[56:11] Oh, wow.

[56:11] Were you guys not catching that at all?

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] No, it makes sense.

S2

[56:14] I'm very, I'm pretty bright, Sue.

Elliott Kalan

[56:17] What is politics except the sort of black magic that deals with the wills of the week?

[56:23] Yeah, sure.

[56:23] Definitely.

[56:24] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[56:24] Yeah, I never even thought about that, huh?

[56:26] I was so focused on the Kern babies.

[56:28] This podcast makes you think.

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] You made this show so much smarter.

[56:31] Usually we just talk about, like, butts.

[56:33] Yeah.

S2

[56:34] I mean, I've got thoughts on that, too.

Stuart Wellington

[56:36] So normally when I watch a movie, I leave my third eye closed.

[56:39] But I guess I should have made it open.

[56:41] That was my mistake.

[56:42] Yeah, it wasn't.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] So how do you open it?

[56:43] What do you do to open up that third eye?

Stuart Wellington

[56:46] I mean, the first thing is you've got to make sure to moisturize.

[56:52] It goes without saying.

Dan McCoy

[56:53] I guess if there's no eye there in the first place, it's going to need to be pretty pliable.

[56:57] Yeah, you don't want a dry and cracked forehead.

[56:59] That's step one.

Elliott Kalan

[57:00] Now, obviously our listeners who are tuataras, that's a New Zealand lizard that has a light

[57:04] sensitive patch of cells on the top of its head that might have been a third eye at

[57:06] one point.

[57:07] You don't have to listen to this.

[57:08] Your third eye is always open.

[57:09] That's just what you do.

[57:10] But most of our listeners are not tuataras.

[57:12] And so, Stuart, what's step number two?

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] Step number two.

[57:14] So you go and you go into Spotify and you queue up every single Tool album and you hit

[57:19] shuffle.

[57:20] Wow.

[57:21] And you want to remove Third Eye Blind from your playlist, right?

[57:24] It seems ironic, but yes, you're right.

[57:27] I mean, it's a common mistake.

[57:28] That's why.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] Okay.

[57:30] That's more of Stu Wellington's tips for living.

[57:34] You can find more of that at his website, wellingtonworld.com.

[57:37] Well, it's a daily feature in the paper.

[57:39] I got it from all my Supernatural.

[57:41] I remember when you found that Supernatural story that was a worldwide hit and now you

[57:45] have your special lifestyle section of the newspaper.

[57:48] Yeah.

S2

[57:49] I'm in charge.

[57:49] I run the twin set section.

Elliott Kalan

[57:53] Very specific newspaper.

[57:55] Always news in twin sets.

S2

[57:56] Yeah.

[57:57] Yeah.

[57:57] I'll let you handle cattle tattooing.

Elliott Kalan

[58:00] Yeah.

[58:00] That's, I mean, I've been, how long I've been on the cattle tattooing beat.

[58:04] I can't, you know.

[58:04] You're jaded.

[58:05] You're a little jaded.

[58:06] I feel it in your writing.

[58:07] I feel like I've seen it all.

[58:08] But every now and then I kind of come across a cattle tattoo that really blows my mind.

[58:12] And I'm like, no, there's something new here.

[58:14] There's something still new to be done.

[58:16] Yeah.

S2

[58:16] I still feel something in here, you think.

[58:18] Yeah.

[58:18] You see that tattooed cattle rear.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] When I see that cow and there's a tattoo on the back of a Grateful Dead skeleton with roses

[58:27] all around, I'm like, you know what?

[58:29] Yes, there is a reason to keep getting up in the morning.

[58:31] Sure.

[58:32] Yeah.

S2

[58:32] Like Angel is my centerfold.

[58:35] Yeah.

[58:38] That was a read.

[58:39] But let's go on to placebo effects.

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] Okay.

[58:42] Oh, sure.

[58:43] Okay.

[58:43] So Fenn, he's like, I'm going to – so Fenn turns his old boss down.

[58:47] He tries to warn the bishop, but the bishop is like, yeah, I knew about that witch, Mary

[58:51] Elnor.

[58:51] Who gives a shit?

[58:52] I don't care.

[58:54] He's like –

S2

[58:55] It really is.

[58:56] He's like, you bore me.

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] He's like, I don't get – it doesn't matter.

[59:01] Fenn, he goes and he realizes – he does some more research in the dark.

[59:04] He reads a microfilm and he finds out that Mary had a son.

[59:08] Who is Alice's ancestor.

[59:09] She's going to live again through Alice.

[59:11] She can only come back to life through her descendants.

[59:14] The microfilm burns up.

[59:15] There's a statue explodes.

[59:17] There's a monster in there.

[59:18] Anyway, the investigator comes in and saves him.

[59:22] He's reading all these prayers to stop the evil Mary.

[59:25] And then this was kind of a cool thing where Mary does some magic and the ink in his prayer book,

[59:31] just the letters turn back to ink and run off.

[59:34] If it wasn't CGI, it would have looked cooler.

Stuart Wellington

[59:35] It's quite a comment on print media, you know?

[59:38] Yeah.

[59:39] Yeah.

[59:39] And it's racist to her now.

[59:41] Oh, wow.

[59:42] Oh, wow.

[59:42] It's opening.

Dan McCoy

[59:43] I guess this is a rich text.

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] You're right.

[59:45] You're thinking.

[59:46] Yeah.

[59:46] Now, I think we can all agree that Mary's got a lot of fucking powers, right?

[59:51] It's not just when people are like, fuck, I'm going to turn and run the other way.

[59:55] And then she's immediately there.

[59:57] She does that all the time in this.

[59:58] Constantly.

[59:58] But she can also like make shit explode, make ink melt.

[1:00:03] Everything.

[1:00:04] Burned in Jesus' eyes.

[1:00:07] Bleed in Jesus' eyes.

S2

[1:00:08] That's what like Robin, I think Batman and Robin is like, bleed in Jesus' eyes.

[1:00:13] Batman?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:14] Like the person who cleans the church is like, fuck.

[1:00:18] That'd be good too, yeah.

[1:00:20] So yeah, Mary's got a lot of powers.

[1:00:22] None of them are that helpful really because the investigator still prays her away.

[1:00:26] He's like, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer.

[1:00:28] And she leaves.

[1:00:29] And they're like, everyone at the service is in danger.

[1:00:31] She's going to ask them to give their faith.

[1:00:34] Their faith is empowering the evil.

[1:00:36] And she's going to ask them to give their faith in Mary three times.

[1:00:38] And if they say yes three times, by the third time, their souls are damned forever.

[1:00:43] Which seems like a bad – like if that's the game you're playing.

S2

[1:00:46] I have a question, is that true?

[1:00:48] That was – I miss that.

[1:00:49] Is that true?

[1:00:50] I miss that part.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:51] I haven't done the –

[1:00:52] Good question.

[1:00:52] They do say that.

[1:00:53] They're like – because they're like – and then they have – they do it twice.

[1:00:57] And the evil Mary is like, this is it.

[1:01:00] And it's one of those things where it's like, oh.

[1:01:02] Beetlejuice time, right?

[1:01:03] There was a period in Russia in like the 18th century, I think it was, where there was a big argument over, do you cross yourself with two fingers or with three fingers?

[1:01:12] And it was – and people were like, I got to do this the right way because if I do it the wrong way, I'm going to go to hell forever.

[1:01:18] And I wonder how many people have managed to get the point of like, why is it so important to God whether I do this with two fingers or three fingers?

[1:01:24] I don't get – and so the idea that like – that God would be like, look, I know you – it was under false pretenses that you were pledging to my mom, Mary, and not this evil witch, but you did it three times.

[1:01:35] My hands are tied.

[1:01:36] I'm sorry.

[1:01:36] There's nothing I can do about it.

[1:01:38] You know?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:38] It'd be really funny to find out that God's really into numerology.

[1:01:41] And you're like, God, you're in control of all this.

[1:01:43] Like, why are you into this thing?

[1:01:45] He's like, I don't know.

[1:01:46] It just works.

[1:01:46] Yeah, because you're God.

[1:01:48] Three is a power number, everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:53] God is just doing – looking up his horoscope every day.

[1:01:55] He's like, maybe today's a good day to get a new job.

[1:01:57] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:58] It's like, I'm in this fucking Mercury Retrogate.

[1:02:01] He's killing me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:02] I wish there was something I could do about it.

[1:02:04] So we see all the Alice merch being sold outside the shrine.

[1:02:07] I don't know where they got the licenses to set up these merch tables, but I guess that's something that they just did.

[1:02:13] Oh, God.

[1:02:14] And the bishop tells the security guys –

[1:02:16] Yep, or Mary.

[1:02:16] Or, yeah.

[1:02:17] The bishop tells the security guys, keep Fen out of here.

[1:02:19] We don't need him.

[1:02:20] Just send him away.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:21] He's like showing him pictures on his phone, right?

[1:02:23] It's great.

[1:02:24] Yeah, he shows pictures of Fen.

[1:02:25] He's like, pulled up his Wikipedia page.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:28] And the bishop, carry all ways.

[1:02:30] He starts the service, and the investigator is blessing some stuff for Fen to use in the fight.

[1:02:35] I don't even remember what he blesses because I don't think they use any of it.

[1:02:38] Because he's like, now I like – this is a part that could have been so Abbott and Costello,

[1:02:43] and it kind of was – he was like, now I just got to light a match and light this candle and we'll be all blessed.

[1:02:48] And he lights the match and the wind blows it out.

[1:02:50] Oh, okay.

[1:02:51] Let me just do one more.

[1:02:52] Lights the match, wind blows it out.

[1:02:54] And it's Mary creating winds.

[1:02:56] But it's so funny because he's like –

[1:02:57] It's like Mary will appear behind him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:59] Third match.

[1:02:59] Blow out the match.

[1:03:00] And then she disappears and you're like –

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:02] And she does a little laugh like the dog in Duck Hunt when you miss both of the ducks.

[1:03:08] And then ducks back down.

[1:03:12] Anyway, Evil Mary, she causes a big crucifix to light on fire.

[1:03:16] And then the crucifix falls on top of Monsignor and kills him.

[1:03:20] And it was like, movie, you're trying hard but you're not making up for the lack of deaths up to this point.

[1:03:26] That one was good.

[1:03:26] I like that one.

[1:03:27] Statues of crying blood.

[1:03:28] It's also one of those moments where you're like, why was this Monsignor character in the movie?

[1:03:33] He kind of didn't really investigate very much.

[1:03:36] And he was totally ineffectual here.

[1:03:38] I guess they just needed a body.

[1:03:39] So Fen is like, doubt.

[1:03:41] Doubt is the only thing that fights faith just like in the movie of the same name.

[1:03:45] We need to make them based on the hit play.

[1:03:47] We need to make them doubt Mary.

[1:03:48] How are we going to do it?

[1:03:50] And Alice is having everyone hail her.

[1:03:52] They're calling her Mary of Banfield because Banfield is the town.

[1:03:54] And suddenly Alice starts getting demonized, which should have been a real sign to the people in the front row at least that this wasn't going great.

[1:04:02] And Fen walks in and he starts shouting, I faked it all.

[1:04:05] I faked the miracles.

[1:04:06] I faked it.

[1:04:07] And meanwhile, the doctor.

[1:04:07] And the thing is, he's not even mic'd up.

[1:04:09] Like, they wouldn't hear his ass.

[1:04:11] Well, they're kind of ignoring him for a while.

[1:04:13] And the doctor walks in and goes, Alice, Mary's evil.

[1:04:16] She's using you.

[1:04:17] She's lying to you.

[1:04:18] And what's funny is that no one seems to know.

[1:04:21] Alice sees the doctor and hears her.

[1:04:23] No one else in the room seems to notice the doctor yelling these things at all.

[1:04:27] They're having a private conversation at either end of a crowded tent.

[1:04:30] Well, Alice is on stage.

[1:04:32] It's like it's there's a lock around this room.

[1:04:34] And the bishop eventually is like.

[1:04:35] Well, also, I'm not really.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:37] Yeah.

[1:04:37] I'm not really sure what, you know, he thinks he's going to do by saying that he faked it

[1:04:43] all.

[1:04:43] When she is clearly, like, on stage able to, like, talk and hear.

[1:04:48] Like, I don't know.

[1:04:50] Like, this is like.

[1:04:51] This is a very weird strategy when there's empirical evidence that something did happen,

[1:04:56] whether or not it was a miracle.

[1:04:58] Like, just being like, I faked it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] It reminds me a little bit.

[1:05:02] There's the French lady who was the longest recorded living person.

[1:05:06] She lived, like, 125 years old.

[1:05:07] And people are like, it's a fake.

[1:05:10] When her daughter was in her 30s and she was in her 50s, she switched places with her daughter.

[1:05:15] And that's.

[1:05:16] And she's been living under her daughter's name.

[1:05:17] And I'm like.

[1:05:18] But you would have to know for that plan to work, you'd have to know that you would live

[1:05:23] to be, like, 100 years old.

[1:05:24] Like, it doesn't really make sense as a plan.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:27] I guess.

[1:05:27] I guess that recent human history should prove to me that, like, evidence is not worth anything

[1:05:34] when it comes to people's beliefs.

[1:05:35] Of course not, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:36] Well, the way that, like, every video that goes up on TikTok, people are like, let's look

[1:05:40] a little deeper and see what the conspiracy is behind this one.

[1:05:44] I don't know.

[1:05:44] I think the guy just didn't notice his girlfriend walked into the room.

[1:05:46] And that's why it took him a minute to recognize her.

S2

[1:05:48] Like, no, no, no, no.

[1:05:50] Well, we have to look at what happened here.

[1:05:51] It's like the three ladies and the baby ghosts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] Three ladies and the baby ghosts.

S2

[1:05:58] You gotta get in there.

[1:06:00] It's Halloween time.

[1:06:03] Well, I was also researching.

[1:06:04] I have this weird thing, like, now that I've, like, done.

[1:06:08] Well, I love props.

[1:06:09] I love props on movies.

[1:06:10] And I love how much commitment there is.

[1:06:11] Like, the things that are coming to the side of the scene.

[1:06:14] It's so cool.

[1:06:15] I would come back as a props master in my next life.

[1:06:17] But so I was watching.

[1:06:21] This one had great, like, commentary on the scroll line as the, as doing the live screen.

[1:06:26] As everyone thinks Mary is, you know, coming back to the earth.

[1:06:29] And it's like, is Mary, is Alice vegan?

[1:06:32] Is Alice, you know, all these great, like, I was like, great little questions.

[1:06:36] Then I had watched Brahms, the boy, too.

[1:06:39] And his list was saying, it was the possessed doll.

[1:06:42] And he was saying, you know, Edwin says, never leave Edwin alone.

[1:06:48] Edwin says, never leave him.

[1:06:50] He always has to be a part of the family.

[1:06:52] Edwin likes to be Natalie dressed and look very good.

[1:06:56] And then you scroll down further and it says, never eat in the freezer.

[1:07:01] And all exclamation marks.

[1:07:03] And I wouldn't, I deeply, now I'm obsessed with why Edwin does or does not want to eat in the freezer.

[1:07:10] Please, anyone listening to this, if this has not been edited, which I hope it has been.

[1:07:15] But, you know, send my Twitter feed.

[1:07:16] Is there a backstory that Edwin does not like to eat in a freezer?

[1:07:20] And also, how does one do that?

[1:07:21] Yeah, Edwin, if you're listening.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] And this is from Brahms, the boy, too, right?

S2

[1:07:24] This is Brahms, the boy, too, on the list that Edwin creates.

[1:07:27] All right, well, she will open up a case file for this mystery.

[1:07:31] He just looks like an Edwin.

[1:07:32] I don't know if that's his name.

[1:07:33] He could be a Charlie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:37] Charlie, Edwin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] I like the idea of assigning names to characters in movies when you don't remember what their name is.

[1:07:44] Then there's this part in Casablanca where Stephen is talking to Rachel, and he's just like,

[1:07:49] ah, why'd you have to walk into my bar, Rachel?

[1:07:53] Oh, Cody.

[1:07:57] So Cody, that's at the end when Cody says to Madison, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

[1:08:03] And so the bishop is like, eh, you know what?

[1:08:06] Security, I know I told you to keep Fen out.

[1:08:08] Just let him talk.

[1:08:09] Why not?

[1:08:10] And Fen is like, I made the whole story up.

[1:08:12] And Doctor's like, Alice, fight Mary.

[1:08:13] And their two stories are really at cross purposes that Fen is like, there was no Mary.

[1:08:19] I made it up.

[1:08:19] And the doctor is feet away yelling, Alice, fight Mary.

[1:08:23] She's trying to take over your body.

[1:08:25] They got to get their stories straight.

[1:08:26] It's confusing.

[1:08:29] And Mary tells Alice, without their souls, I'll never let you speak again.

[1:08:33] And that's when Alice tells the crowd, Mary's not real.

[1:08:36] We made it all up.

[1:08:37] We made it all up.

[1:08:38] And the crowd is instantly like, boo, we don't like you.

[1:08:40] Boo.

[1:08:41] You lying girl.

[1:08:42] Boo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:43] And then Mary's like, I tried to do this the easy way.

[1:08:46] And then cracks her super long, scary knuckles and jumps out of a burning tree.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:50] Yeah.

[1:08:50] The tree lights on fire.

[1:08:52] Everyone runs out.

[1:08:53] And the kid, Alice healed.

[1:08:54] His legs stopped working.

[1:08:56] So the doctor has to carry him because his parents, I guess, abandoned him in the burning room when the minute the trouble started.

[1:09:03] It was a real force majeure moment for that kid.

S2

[1:09:08] Also because Katie Azelton, God bless her, who I love, was criminally underused and was assigned only to explain certain anything doctor related and or to run errands.

[1:09:20] Because remember, at one point, they were like running to the hospital to save the day, and he's like, you go that way.

[1:09:25] And he's like, she sends her completely off screen.

[1:09:28] And then this is like, you scoop the boy.

[1:09:30] She seemed to be given a series of semi-pointless errands.

[1:09:35] Menial tasks.

[1:09:36] Yeah.

[1:09:36] Menial tasks.

[1:09:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:38] Very nothing part.

[1:09:39] But she made enough of an impression that I looked her up.

[1:09:41] I didn't realize that she among.

[1:09:43] She's on The League.

S2

[1:09:44] I love The League so much.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:46] Well, and along with being an actor, she directed Black Rock, which.

[1:09:50] It was a horror movie I enjoyed with Lake Bell and Kate Bosworth.

[1:09:53] I didn't know that.

S2

[1:09:54] That's a great movie.

[1:09:55] Yeah.

[1:09:56] All right.

[1:09:56] Well, you threw her more, dang it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:58] Yeah.

[1:09:59] I see.

[1:09:59] Let's listen.

[1:10:00] A Dr. Gates spinoff in the next one, The Unholy 2, which is about two unholy people.

[1:10:06] Unholy-er.

[1:10:07] You know what?

[1:10:09] Unholy-er is pretty good, too.

[1:10:10] The Unholy 3 is a movie.

[1:10:12] That's a movie that exists already.

[1:10:13] So maybe they're tied in, those two.

[1:10:16] Don't eat in the freezer.

[1:10:18] Unholy 3.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] We'll reboot that.

[1:10:22] Yeah.

[1:10:23] Who owns the estate of Todd Browning?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:26] I think it was thrown away, to be honest.

[1:10:30] But yeah, The Unholy 3.

[1:10:31] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:32] And he did two different versions of it, right?

[1:10:33] The silent version and the sound version of The Unholy 3.

[1:10:36] Both of them good.

[1:10:37] Both of them involve the main character.

[1:10:39] Unholy 6 now.

[1:10:40] Yeah.

[1:10:40] Both of them involve the main male villain dressing up as an old lady for kind of unnecessary

[1:10:45] reasons.

[1:10:47] So yeah, Mary emerges from that flaming tree.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:50] It was to spend more time with his kids, right?

[1:10:53] Because his ex-wife was dating Pierce Brosnan, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:58] Yeah, his ex-wife is dating James Bond.

[1:11:00] Sounds familiar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:00] Sounds familiar.

[1:11:01] So all he can do is, I wonder if, maybe there's a world where, I'm making this an official,

[1:11:07] unofficial movie crossover.

[1:11:08] Mrs. Doubtfire is now a sequel to The Long Good Friday.

[1:11:12] And Pierce Brosnan, who Sally Field is dating, is the same character who's like a young gangster

[1:11:16] assassin in The Long Good Friday.

[1:11:18] So you know what?

[1:11:19] It's the same universe.

[1:11:21] Prove me wrong.

[1:11:21] You can't.

[1:11:22] Okay.

[1:11:22] You can't.

[1:11:23] Wouldn't want to.

[1:11:24] I haven't shown my kids Mrs. Doubtfire yet.

[1:11:26] What do you guys think?

[1:11:27] Should I?

[1:11:27] Is it okay to show or not in today's world?

[1:11:31] I'm not.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:32] I believe, I watched, I think I watched the end of it while on a cruise ship a few years

[1:11:38] ago.

[1:11:38] Okay.

[1:11:39] And I remember it being less cool than I thought it was.

[1:11:42] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:43] Because when you were a kid, you were like, you went Doubtfire crazy.

[1:11:45] You just thought it was the coolest.

[1:11:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:11:47] You started dressing like Mrs. Doubtfire.

[1:11:50] That this movie is fire.

[1:11:51] You started doubting fire.

[1:11:53] Yeah, there's no doubt this movie is fire.

[1:11:56] Because I have been, my kids have been watching Aladdin a lot recently.

[1:11:59] And it's a movie that I get a lot of joy out of, but it is like the original animated one.

[1:12:02] But it is like a deeply offensive movie.

[1:12:05] Like everything about it is ridiculously stereotyped.

[1:12:09] So maybe I shouldn't show them Mrs. Doubtfire too.

S2

[1:12:11] And whatever you do, do not read them the actual correct Little Mermaid after they've seen

[1:12:17] the Disney because it involves her.

[1:12:19] She can't speak.

[1:12:20] Every step feels like razors and knives going into her feet.

[1:12:24] The boy ends up marrying someone else.

[1:12:27] She is assigned by, I think, some sort of sea witch to assassinate his wife.

[1:12:32] And while standing over him, she loses her last challenge, which is do this all before sunrise.

[1:12:38] And she turns into sea foam and is gone and floats on the cold sea forever.

[1:12:44] So there's no Kiss the Girls not in that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:47] It's weird they changed the story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:50] So Kiss the Girls.

[1:12:51] Well, what about Under the Sea?

[1:12:53] Do they sing Under the Sea?

[1:12:54] Yes.

[1:12:55] Okay.

[1:12:56] They sing the song On the Surface of the Sea.

[1:12:59] That's what the sea foam sings at the end.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:02] Kiss the Girls in there.

[1:13:04] Is Along Came a Spider?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:06] Yeah.

[1:13:07] It's full of James Patterson novels.

[1:13:11] That'd be so funny if James Patterson, he was inspired because he saw the Little Mermaid in the theater.

[1:13:16] And he was like, Kiss the Girl.

[1:13:17] What if it was more than one girl?

[1:13:20] And a murder.

S2

[1:13:22] There's something here.

[1:13:25] He does.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:25] I don't know if he still does.

[1:13:26] You guys live in the New York area.

[1:13:27] Does he still do his TV commercials where he advertises his own books?

[1:13:30] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:31] Every once in a while.

[1:13:32] Yeah.

[1:13:32] I love those.

[1:13:33] They're so funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:34] I remember the one for Jack and Jill where it's just him holding the book and he goes,

[1:13:39] Jack and Jill.

[1:13:41] Jack and Jill.

[1:13:43] My new novel.

[1:13:44] And it was like, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:47] Now, Gillian, as a novelist, would you ever consider doing an advertisement like this?

[1:13:51] You got to.

[1:13:51] You got to do.

[1:13:52] Come on.

S2

[1:13:53] Gone and girl.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] You're just like, I'm going, going, gone girl.

S2

[1:14:01] Gerons are hot.

[1:14:03] I know.

[1:14:03] Going girl.

[1:14:05] What if objects were sharp?

[1:14:09] You couldn't take them on planes anymore.

[1:14:15] Wait, they're going to hurt my sails.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:19] But you can't.

[1:14:20] And then you go, but you can take my book on planes, please.

[1:14:22] Seriously.

[1:14:22] You continue to take my books on planes.

[1:14:23] Please do.

[1:14:24] I'm serious, people.

[1:14:25] Yeah.

[1:14:26] This is one sharp object you can take anywhere.

[1:14:28] Anyway, Mary emerges from that flaming tree.

[1:14:30] She takes off her mask to reveal her skull face.

[1:14:32] Ugh, gross.

[1:14:33] Pretty cool.

[1:14:34] And the bishop is like, God, help me.

[1:14:36] He doesn't.

[1:14:36] Mary vaporizes him.

[1:14:38] Yeah, yeah.

[1:14:38] And he just dissolves into dust.

[1:14:39] Yeah.

[1:14:40] And she's like teleporting around, shrieking at Fen and Alice.

[1:14:43] It feels like Fen is really the guy she should be mad at.

[1:14:45] But instead, she's really doing her best to not kill him for a while.

[1:14:48] For some reason, she decides to crawl around all scary creepy like, like the ring girl.

[1:14:52] Creep, creep, creep, creep, creep.

[1:14:53] Yeah, the creep, creep.

[1:14:54] And then she's trying to kill Fen, but Alice jumps in front and I guess blocks the magic with her own body.

[1:14:59] Catches the hyperblast right in the chest.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:02] She goes, shuriken.

[1:15:04] Immediately killing Mary.

[1:15:05] And Mary looks at the camera and explodes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:08] Yeah, because she's destroyed, killed her only descendant.

[1:15:11] So now she's gone forever.

S2

[1:15:14] The school, I thought the school looked pretty good.

[1:15:17] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:17] I thought that was pretty cool.

[1:15:19] I was enjoying that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:20] It was a cool monster face.

[1:15:21] She had a cool monster face, yeah.

[1:15:22] Yep.

[1:15:22] Her MF was a cool one.

[1:15:24] That means monster face.

[1:15:27] That's why when people are like MF-er, you're like, you mean monster face-er.

[1:15:31] Monster face-er?

[1:15:31] Thank you very much.

[1:15:32] I will take that all day long.

[1:15:35] What's the name, Stuart, of the makeup show where they make the monster faces?

[1:15:38] Oh, Face Off.

[1:15:39] Face Off.

[1:15:40] That's what it is.

[1:15:40] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:41] It's great.

S2

[1:15:43] I did not.

[1:15:43] On what?

[1:15:44] Where?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:44] It was on the sci-fi channel.

[1:15:47] It's a reality competition show between.

[1:15:48] I want to go to there.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:49] Gillian got such a dreamy, faraway look in her eye when she heard this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:52] It's probably my favorite of the reality competition shows because it's all makeup artists and everybody helps each other and they're all so excited.

[1:16:02] And then like there is one episode.

[1:16:04] I mentioned this on the show before, but it's still worth it, where they like teased who the special guest was and all you saw was a silvery white ponytail.

[1:16:12] And I was like, is that Julian fucking Sands?

[1:16:15] And I said that out loud to my wife and she's like, what are you talking about?

[1:16:18] And then, no, it was Rick Baker who is also fucking sweet.

[1:16:21] Yeah.

[1:16:21] And then they had like Todd McFarlane on one time as a guest and I'm like, Charlene, this is really cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:31] She likes Charlene.

[1:16:32] He owns two baseballs that used to be very valuable.

[1:16:37] And so Fen is like – he has a very low energy prayer to God where he's like, God, I don't know.

[1:16:44] Whatever I'm supposed to do, please save Alice.

[1:16:46] And Alice wakes up.

[1:16:47] She's alive again, but she is once again deaf and mute.

[1:16:49] The miracles have been rescinded, which means they were not real miracles.

[1:16:53] Sometime later, it's unclear how much time, Alice and Gates and Fen meet up at Hagen's grave and the local paper is hiring and Dr. Gates really wants Fen to take that job so he can live in town and she can domesticate him, I guess.

[1:17:07] And Fen is like, I believe in miracles now because Alice's revival was a miracle.

[1:17:12] And they're like, yeah, maybe there are miracles.

[1:17:14] And then we see another statue of the Virgin Mary crying blood.

[1:17:17] And you're like, wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:19] What?

[1:17:19] Hold on.

[1:17:20] Well, it's because her –

[1:17:21] Is this good?

[1:17:22] Her ancestors are still alive.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:24] Yeah.

[1:17:24] I just don't know.

[1:17:25] Like at that point, like Mary – what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:28] Well, Mary can come back because her ancestors are still alive.

[1:17:31] Yeah.

[1:17:31] So you think Mary was like, no, wait, I'm back.

[1:17:35] Like she was being dissolved into nothingness and then kind of pulled herself back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:38] And it carries along the theme that with every miracle, there's something dark nearby.

[1:17:44] You know, like the devil builds a house next door.

[1:17:46] Not to quote Martin Luther.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:48] Yeah, that Martin Luther said the devil builds a house next to every church, which you got

[1:17:52] to assume that there's probably a zoning law about that somewhere.

[1:17:55] You can't open a barn in your church, but the devil can build a house.

[1:17:59] That seems crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:00] And didn't Fen – didn't he get a job working at the local newspaper?

[1:18:03] And I'm like, how big is this town?

[1:18:04] I've only seen like five people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:07] Well, my newspaper is really more of a mimeographed flyer that they paste on the village bulletin

[1:18:12] board in the town.

[1:18:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:13] It's the menu for the local diner with all the ads.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] When I say the local paper is hiring, I meant the menu.

[1:18:22] They need someone to type it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:23] You know when you're eating at a place that has like a local menu that has local ads, you're

[1:18:28] like, the food here is going to be fucking amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:30] There's nothing that says success to me more than when I go to a diner, I sit down and

[1:18:35] there's a placemat and outside the diner has the logo of the restaurant in the middle

[1:18:39] and outside the border edge is just ads for local businesses.

[1:18:43] I say, I'm going to eat something great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:44] I'm getting the fucking pork roll.

[1:18:46] This is going to be fire.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:48] No doubt.

[1:18:48] There's going to be a salad on this menu that has more meat than vegetables in it.

[1:18:52] It's going to be great.

[1:18:53] It always has like everything.

S2

[1:18:54] That's when you know you're at a good place where it's like, do I want the Greek salad

[1:18:57] or do I want the mashed potatoes?

[1:19:00] Lobster Thermador.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:01] I like lobster Thermador.

[1:19:02] Do I want the lasagna or the sushi or the hamburger or the souvlaki or the borscht?

[1:19:09] Beef tartare.

[1:19:09] Or the borscht?

[1:19:11] How's the naan at this place?

[1:19:12] Tell me.

[1:19:13] How's it?

[1:19:14] How's the bulgogi at this place?

[1:19:16] Should I order the impossible burger that's written into the margins?

[1:19:20] Should I get, do I want Ethiopian food or just like a big slice of chocolate cake?

[1:19:24] There's just too many options.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:26] I like when a local ad has like just like a caricature of the guy who owns the business.

[1:19:32] Uh-huh.

[1:19:33] Because everyone around town is like, yeah, that's him.

[1:19:35] That's him, yeah.

S2

[1:19:37] It's sort of, I mean, as our journalists could tell you, fame is seductive.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:43] And the hubris of it because like if that guy ever commits a crime, everyone knows what

[1:19:48] he looks like now.

[1:19:49] That's a good idea.

[1:19:50] He's just setting himself up.

S2

[1:19:51] As we have found, as we have discovered, this little town does not breed very intelligent

[1:19:57] villains.

[1:19:59] Everyone is sort of like, hey, I'm bad.

[1:20:01] Take this thing.

[1:20:02] I'm giving you.

[1:20:03] Also, they need to have a fire sale on all those items about with Mary, about the miracle.

[1:20:09] I don't know what they're going to do with all those.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:10] Someone's like, the candle, the personalized candle store was like, we got to close down.

[1:20:16] No business.

[1:20:17] Ring, ring.

[1:20:18] A thousand candles with Alice's face on them?

[1:20:20] Certainly.

[1:20:21] And then, guys, put it into production.

[1:20:24] We're coming back.

[1:20:25] Reopen the factory.

[1:20:26] And then a couple days later, like, I got some bad news.

[1:20:28] The boom has ended.

[1:20:30] It's a bust now.

[1:20:31] The Alice candle bubble has popped.

[1:20:33] Fire sale.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:34] I mean, I feel like you just immediately sell it all to the, like, I don't know, morbid

[1:20:39] anatomy museum or something.

[1:20:40] That closed, Stuart.

[1:20:42] They do a pop-up at the Bell House every once in a while.

[1:20:44] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:44] Okay.

[1:20:45] Then, yeah, that's fair.

S5

[1:20:50] Hey there.

[1:20:50] I'm Ellen Weatherford.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:51] And I'm Christian Weatherford.

S5

[1:20:53] And we've got big feelings about animals that we just got to share.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:56] On Just the Zoo of Us, your new favorite animal review podcast, we're here to critically

[1:21:01] evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn't.

[1:21:04] Rating them out of 10 on their effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics.

S5

[1:21:08] Guest experts give you their takes informed by actual, real-life experiences studying and

[1:21:13] working with very cool animals like sharks, cheetahs, and sea turtles.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:18] It's a field trip to the zoo for your ears.

S5

[1:21:20] So if you or your kids have ever wondered if a pigeon can count, why sloths move so slow,

[1:21:26] or how a spider sees the world, find out with us every Wednesday on Just the Zoo of Us,

[1:21:30] which can now be found in its natural habitat on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:34] Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:21:37] Strange planets.

S6

[1:21:45] Curious technology.

[1:21:46] And a fantastic vision of the distant future.

[1:21:51] Featuring Martin Starr.

[1:21:52] So we're going on day 14.

[1:21:54] Shuttle still hasn't come.

[1:21:55] Aparna Nuncherla.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:56] The security system provides you with emotional security.

[1:22:00] You do the rest.

S6

[1:22:01] Echo Kellum.

[1:22:02] Can you disconnect me or not?

[1:22:03] Hurry Kondabolu.

[1:22:04] I'm staying.

[1:22:05] From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeffrey McGivern.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:08] Could you play Cindy Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun?

S6

[1:22:12] It's The Outer Reach.

[1:22:14] Stories from Beyond.

[1:22:18] Now available for free at MaximumFun.org or anywhere you listen.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:25] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Storyblocks.

[1:22:30] Storyblocks makes it possible for creators to keep up with the growing demands for modern video content so you can bring all your stories to life and stop sacrificing your vision due to time, budget, or resources.

[1:22:43] Storyblocks' unlimited all-access plan gives you unlimited downloads of the over 1 million-plus assets in their library.

[1:22:50] You can try out multiple options quickly and find the perfect fit so you can create more and spend less.

[1:22:58] Restock is their commitment to increase representation in stock media by hiring creators from marginalized communities to create content that is more reflective of the diverse world we live in.

[1:23:09] Stay on budget while telling the best version of your story with the most affordable subscription plans and tools on the market that scale to meet your needs.

[1:23:21] I've used Storyblocks myself.

[1:23:23] I find it easy to use, high-quality video, very, you know, like basically anything you could think of.

[1:23:31] Type in for search.

[1:23:32] You can find it.

[1:23:33] So if you're interested.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:35] Dan, what did you type in to find the shot of slices of ham on a plate?

[1:23:39] That you used.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:40] I think I just typed ham in and there were many different options and I chose what I deemed to be the funniest stock footage of ham.

[1:23:52] But you can explore their library and subscribe today at storyblocks.com slash flop.

[1:23:58] That's storyblocks.com slash flop.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:01] The Flop House is also sponsored in part by Smalls.

[1:24:06] Give your feline friend protein-packed meals they'll crave with Smalls.

[1:24:11] Smalls is fresh, human-grade food for cats delivered right to your doorstep.

[1:24:15] All cats are obligate carnivores.

[1:24:17] They need fresh, protein-packed meals.

[1:24:20] Conventional cat food is made using low-quality, cheap meat byproducts, grains and starches coated in artificial flavors.

[1:24:28] With the help of cat nutritionists, Smalls develops complete and balanced recipes for all life stages.

[1:24:34] Smalls recipes are gently cooked to lock in protein, vitamins, minerals and moisture.

[1:24:38] Better quality ingredients means a better, healthier life for your cat.

[1:24:43] Since switching to Smalls, cats have experienced improved digestion and a less smelly litter box, Dan.

[1:24:50] Softer, shinier coats.

[1:24:51] I haven't been pooping the litter box.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:52] I don't know why you said it that way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:53] Maybe it's time for you to start because someone's got to make up for that lessened smell.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:58] Plus better breath.

[1:24:59] I have a couple of picky kitties at home.

[1:25:02] And one of the nice things with Smalls is they give you a little guide on how to slowly introduce Smalls into their dietary regimen.

[1:25:10] And it seems to be working, particularly for one of my cats that has a tooth problem.

[1:25:15] Obviously, send your best wishes to me on Twitter.

[1:25:17] Meatball is having a little bit of a tooth issue.

[1:25:19] But I think you'll be okay in the long run.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:21] You'll read them all to Meatball, I assume.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:22] So you can go over and take a short quiz on smalls.com slash flop to customize your sampler and then use the code flop for a total of 30% off your first order.

[1:25:36] That's right.

[1:25:37] That's smalls.com slash flop.

[1:25:41] Code flop.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:43] Do either of you have stuff to plug?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:46] Always.

[1:25:47] I own a couple of small businesses.

[1:25:48] There are bars in New York City, Brooklyn to be specific.

[1:25:52] And you know what?

[1:25:52] We'd love you to come by and say hi.

[1:25:55] Interlands Bar in Kensington or Minnie's Bar in Sunset Park.

[1:25:58] Just come on by and say hi.

[1:25:59] Why not?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:00] And in time for Shocktober, that's right.

[1:26:03] I'll have a new collection of my comic book, Maniac of New York, coming out in early November, it turns out.

[1:26:09] So just when you're all scared out from Halloween, keep that scare going because I think it comes out the first week of November, the collected trade of the first five issues of Maniac of New York from Aftershock Comics.

[1:26:21] It's great.

[1:26:21] It's the story that asks, what if Jason Takes Manhattan was good?

[1:26:26] Oh, no.

[1:26:28] Boom, bam, bam, bam, bam, shots fired, shots fired.

[1:26:29] And took place primarily in Manhattan.

[1:26:32] Yes, it actually took place in Manhattan, yeah.

[1:26:34] And there will be a second Maniac of New York series starting at the beginning of next year.

[1:26:39] But the issues are starting to be available for preorder.

[1:26:41] Go to your local comic book store.

[1:26:43] Tell them, I want the Maniac of New York trade paperback.

[1:26:45] And I want to start getting the issues for Maniac of New York volume two, The Bronx is Burning.

[1:26:50] The first one is called Maniac of New York volume one, The Death Train.

[1:26:54] And, yeah, get ready to buy them.

[1:26:56] Go to your comic book store and preorder them.

[1:26:57] Tell them to order them for you so that you can just go in and get them up.

[1:27:00] Make mine maniac of New York.

[1:27:00] Yeah, thank you.

[1:27:02] Thank you, yeah.

[1:27:02] From the Merry Maniac Marching Society, say, make mine maniac.

[1:27:06] Face front, true believers, excelsiscare.

[1:27:09] Can't say it.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:12] Well, I guess on that note, we'll get back to the meat of the show.

[1:27:19] What?

[1:27:20] Gross.

[1:27:20] I don't know why I said it that way.

[1:27:21] Disgusting.

[1:27:24] Let us do a final judgments.

[1:27:29] Okay.

[1:27:29] A Shocktober final judgments about this.

[1:27:31] If you want, sure.

[1:27:32] With this movie.

[1:27:33] I guess.

[1:27:34] Thank you for the validation.

[1:27:35] You're the boss.

[1:27:37] Is this movie totally scarifying?

[1:27:40] Totally snorifying?

[1:27:41] Huh?

[1:27:42] Or frighteningly funny?

[1:27:43] I'm going to say.

[1:27:44] Why not?

[1:27:44] I'm going to go.

[1:27:45] I'm going to say it's snorifying.

[1:27:46] Give it to us.

[1:27:47] Sure.

S2

[1:27:48] The thing about this movie.

[1:27:50] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:51] Keep it up.

[1:27:51] In the mini we released last week.

[1:27:54] Uh.

[1:27:55] We talked a bit about Midnight Mass.

[1:27:57] And I was.

[1:27:57] I was thinking about how like.

[1:28:00] The.

[1:28:01] I guess slight thematic spoilers for Midnight Mass.

[1:28:04] But like.

[1:28:05] The notion.

[1:28:06] That appealed to me about that show.

[1:28:09] Was.

[1:28:09] That.

[1:28:11] Uh.

[1:28:11] You know.

[1:28:11] These characters could go through this like horrifying.

[1:28:14] experience.

[1:28:15] And.

[1:28:16] Because they're seeing it through the lens of religion.

[1:28:21] Misinterpret it.

[1:28:22] As.

[1:28:23] Uh.

[1:28:23] Being.

[1:28:24] You know.

[1:28:25] A miracle.

[1:28:26] A blessing.

[1:28:27] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:27] And like.

[1:28:28] The tragedy of it is.

[1:28:30] You know.

[1:28:30] A genuinely good.

[1:28:32] Man of God.

[1:28:33] Like.

[1:28:34] Making that mistake.

[1:28:35] Um.

[1:28:36] And this movie.

[1:28:38] Has a lot of the same.

[1:28:40] Ideas.

[1:28:41] Yeah.

[1:28:41] You know.

[1:28:41] It's like.

[1:28:41] Oh.

[1:28:42] What if like.

[1:28:42] We misinterpret.

[1:28:44] These miracles.

[1:28:45] As being good.

[1:28:46] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:46] But just.

[1:28:48] Does it in such a.

[1:28:49] Just slow way.

[1:28:51] Like.

[1:28:51] The.

[1:28:51] The only way you're going to get scared.

[1:28:53] Watching this movie.

[1:28:54] Is if you fall asleep.

[1:28:55] And have a nightmare.

[1:28:56] During the span.

[1:28:57] I mean.

[1:28:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:58] It'll be like.

[1:28:58] You get an email that has bad news.

[1:29:00] Yeah.

[1:29:00] About your car insurance.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:02] So anyway.

[1:29:03] Dan you're saying that.

[1:29:04] What Puck says at the end of midnight.

[1:29:06] Uh.

[1:29:07] Midnight.

[1:29:07] A Midsummer Night's Dream.

[1:29:08] Is what you're hoping for.

[1:29:09] With this movie.

[1:29:10] That you fall asleep.

[1:29:10] And you enjoy something.

[1:29:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:12] Yeah.

[1:29:12] This movie was.

[1:29:13] Uh.

[1:29:14] Yeah.

[1:29:14] Totally snorifying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:16] Yeah.

[1:29:17] I feel like.

[1:29:17] Uh.

[1:29:18] To.

[1:29:18] To draw comparisons to another.

[1:29:19] Uh.

[1:29:20] Another thing that is.

[1:29:21] Another Netflix property.

[1:29:23] Uh.

[1:29:23] The Fear Street.

[1:29:24] Uh.

[1:29:25] Series.

[1:29:27] Dealt with a similar type of like.

[1:29:29] Evil.

[1:29:30] Spooky thing.

[1:29:30] From the past.

[1:29:32] Uh.

[1:29:32] In a much more fun way.

[1:29:33] So watch that instead.

[1:29:34] Uh.

[1:29:34] This was snorifying.

[1:29:35] No thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:36] Hmm.

[1:29:36] Uh.

[1:29:37] I'm also gonna say.

[1:29:38] Snorifying.

[1:29:39] I think.

[1:29:39] There was.

[1:29:40] I.

[1:29:40] When it first started up.

[1:29:42] I was ready to give it the benefit of the doubt.

[1:29:43] Yeah.

[1:29:44] Because it was like.

[1:29:44] It was okay.

[1:29:45] Like.

[1:29:45] It starts out okay.

[1:29:46] And then it just kind of.

[1:29:48] Treads water for most of the movie.

[1:29:50] But.

[1:29:50] Like I said.

[1:29:50] I think.

[1:29:51] It's snorifying.

[1:29:51] But like I said.

[1:29:52] If you are trying to introduce the idea of horror movies to like.

[1:29:54] A kid.

[1:29:55] Like an adolescent.

[1:29:56] This might not be the worst one.

[1:29:58] Because it's not really that scary.

[1:29:59] And it kind of gets the idea across what a scary movie is like.

[1:30:02] As opposed.

[1:30:03] Like when I was a kid.

[1:30:04] I jumped into the deep end way too quickly.

[1:30:06] And I didn't watch horror movies for a while after that.

[1:30:08] Because they were too much for me.

[1:30:09] But if I had seen something like this.

[1:30:10] I would have been like.

[1:30:10] Oh okay.

[1:30:11] Yeah.

[1:30:11] I can watch horror movies.

[1:30:12] So.

[1:30:13] It's like a training wheels.

[1:30:14] Horror.

[1:30:14] It's like a.

[1:30:14] Like a baby's first horror movie.

[1:30:16] You know.

[1:30:16] Which is snorifying to someone like me.

[1:30:18] Who's seen it all.

[1:30:19] And needs increasingly extreme gore.

[1:30:21] To even just.

[1:30:22] To even just get my fear boner up.

[1:30:24] You know.

[1:30:24] So.

[1:30:25] Yeah.

[1:30:25] Fear boner.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:28] Yeah.

[1:30:28] You're like.

[1:30:29] Cenobites.

[1:30:29] Is that all you got?

[1:30:30] Give me more please.

[1:30:31] I'm like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:31] Yeah.

[1:30:31] Exactly.

[1:30:32] So he's got pins in his head.

[1:30:33] Big whoop.

[1:30:34] Okay.

[1:30:34] Sure.

[1:30:35] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:35] Fish hooks through my eyes.

[1:30:36] Oh.

[1:30:36] Ho hum.

[1:30:37] Who cares?

[1:30:39] But Dillian.

[1:30:40] What did you think?

S2

[1:30:41] I would say.

[1:30:45] You know.

[1:30:46] Huge points for.

[1:30:48] Getting this done during COVID.

[1:30:50] I sure the fuck didn't get anything done during COVID.

[1:30:53] And I would also.

[1:30:57] Note that as someone who has written and done.

[1:31:00] Movies and TV.

[1:31:01] I would like to invite anyone involved with this.

[1:31:05] With this project.

[1:31:06] To make fun of me.

[1:31:07] And they can come on my.

[1:31:08] Guest Twitter.

[1:31:09] And we will.

[1:31:10] They can mock anything.

[1:31:11] They want.

[1:31:12] So I would like to.

[1:31:13] Offer that.

[1:31:14] No one else.

[1:31:15] No one else.

[1:31:15] In the world.

[1:31:16] Should ever say anything bad.

[1:31:17] But.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:18] Anyone involved with the production of The Unholy.

[1:31:21] It's a free pass.

[1:31:22] You get a pass.

[1:31:23] Free pass.

S2

[1:31:24] We might re-meet on.

[1:31:25] You know.

[1:31:25] If you guys can turn over.

[1:31:27] I think it would be a world's most exciting podcast for you.

[1:31:30] They come back.

[1:31:31] And people just take hits.

[1:31:32] But.

[1:31:33] So.

[1:31:34] Yeah.

[1:31:34] No.

[1:31:35] It.

[1:31:35] I agree.

[1:31:36] You kind of.

[1:31:36] Elliot.

[1:31:37] That it was sort of.

[1:31:38] It gives you.

[1:31:39] It has all the rhythms there.

[1:31:40] But.

[1:31:41] I.

[1:31:41] You know.

[1:31:41] It felt like no one's heart was maybe entirely in it.

[1:31:44] Sort of like.

[1:31:44] Let's.

[1:31:45] Let's.

[1:31:46] Make this thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:47] And I can only assume budgetary constraints.

[1:31:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:50] I think it was.

[1:31:50] It would be interesting to see what is the version of this.

[1:31:53] That.

[1:31:54] Isn't.

[1:31:55] Because who knows how much they had to rewrite possibly to get around what they.

[1:31:59] What the constraints were.

[1:32:00] And you know.

S2

[1:32:01] And by that time it starts getting like.

[1:32:03] Like an Ed Wood.

[1:32:05] Yeah.

[1:32:06] Yeah.

[1:32:06] Bela Lugosi is just like.

[1:32:07] Let's make this fucker.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:10] Hold those tentacles.

[1:32:11] Make them look like they're moving.

[1:32:13] Yeah.

[1:32:14] Yeah.

[1:32:15] I'm like.

[1:32:15] I'm tempted now to.

[1:32:16] To read the Wikipedia summary of the novel.

[1:32:18] Maybe.

[1:32:19] Maybe that's more interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:20] Or you could read the novels too.

[1:32:22] I mean like.

[1:32:23] Oh.

[1:32:24] I guess life's too short.

[1:32:25] Yeah.

[1:32:26] You're like.

[1:32:26] I kind of have some Warhammer books to reread.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:29] Oh.

[1:32:30] That's nice.

[1:32:30] Some Warhammer rules manuals to read.

[1:32:33] Yeah.

S2

[1:32:33] So you read that.

[1:32:35] And then you report back to us.

[1:32:36] The even more condensed version.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:38] Uh huh.

[1:32:39] Yep.

[1:32:39] Of your Wikipedia entry.

[1:32:40] Uh huh.

[1:32:41] Okay.

[1:32:41] Cool.

[1:32:42] I love it.

[1:32:43] I love it.

[1:32:44] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:45] Let us.

[1:32:46] What's the next section of this podcast?

[1:32:47] Let's do letters.

[1:32:48] Why not?

[1:32:49] Okay.

[1:32:49] That's usually what happens.

[1:32:50] If you want.

[1:32:50] Let's do letters.

[1:32:51] Why not?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:51] I mean I thought maybe today was going to be the day when we took an abrupt left turn

[1:32:54] and just started.

[1:32:55] Nope.

[1:32:56] I don't know.

[1:32:56] Reviewing pastas.

[1:32:57] But okay.

[1:32:58] Yeah.

[1:32:58] We can do letters too.

[1:32:59] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:00] That would be pretty good.

[1:33:01] Bucatini is a good one.

[1:33:02] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:02] I found nothing silly about Fusilli.

[1:33:05] It takes its job seriously and it does it well.

[1:33:07] Four stars.

[1:33:09] Let me telly something about Cavatelli.

[1:33:12] It's delicious.

[1:33:15] Run.

[1:33:16] Run.

[1:33:17] Don't walk to get some spaghetti.

[1:33:20] It's my pasta pick of the day.

S2

[1:33:23] No.

S2

[1:33:23] No.

[1:33:23] Wait.

[1:33:24] Wait.

[1:33:24] I want to go.

[1:33:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:26] Come on.

[1:33:26] Join in.

[1:33:27] Make Dan mad.

S2

[1:33:28] Let's pin a review of this pinay.

[1:33:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:33] Yeah.

[1:33:33] A little obvious, but you know, I'm a real thing here.

[1:33:36] Get in your RAV4 and pick up some ravioli down at the local pasta.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:40] Yeah.

[1:33:41] They may be named after little years, but there's nothing gross about Orecketti.

[1:33:46] You'll want to pop this ziti into your mouth.

S2

[1:33:49] Oh, you look, you look fedding genie tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:57] Dan, come on.

[1:33:58] Don't fight it.

[1:34:00] You probably know more pastas than the rest of us put together.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:03] Yeah.

[1:34:06] I think you took the good ones.

[1:34:08] Anyway, this letter is from.

[1:34:11] It's a shell of a good pasta.

[1:34:12] That's for shell pasta.

[1:34:14] Jackie, last name withheld, writes,

[1:34:18] Hiya, fellas.

[1:34:19] A few years ago, the British charity Comic Relief produced a mini-sequel to the bafflingly enduring and creepy Christmas movie, Love Actually.

[1:34:29] The 15-minute film had no real plot, but was a series of vignettes that updated the viewer on the original character's current lives.

[1:34:36] And it weirdly works.

[1:34:38] Obviously, there's not more story that needs to be told in the sexist, transphobic, fat-shaming boundaries, ignoring the universe of Love Actually.

[1:34:47] This movie does not need a full-length sequel, but getting to take a tiny glimpse of popular and beloved characters is intriguing.

[1:34:55] What movie would you like to see a mini-sequel of?

[1:34:59] One that you are very satisfied with its conclusion, but wouldn't mind having a little check-in with your favorite movie pals.

[1:35:06] Thank you much, Jackie.

[1:35:08] Last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:10] How about this one?

[1:35:11] Feeling formal?

[1:35:13] Why don't you dress up your dinner with some bow-tie pasta?

[1:35:16] Okay.

[1:35:20] How about that one?

[1:35:22] I far fell for far folly.

[1:35:28] Okay.

[1:35:29] Sequels, like even a little short check-in sequel to movies we love.

[1:35:33] Movies where we just get to hang out with our friends.

[1:35:36] Obviously, I'm going to say Suspiria.

[1:35:40] Just want to see what's going on with that dance studio, man.

[1:35:42] It's so much fun.

[1:35:43] I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:43] How did they come back from that?

[1:35:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:45] Maybe fast forward a couple of years, see what life's like in Germany then.

[1:35:50] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:50] I love the idea of it's like a meeting of the board of the dance academy.

[1:35:54] And they bring in the new dance head.

[1:35:56] And she's like, I know we have a lot of baggage to get through.

[1:35:59] We got to bring back the name of this dance studio.

[1:36:02] I think we can do it, this academy.

[1:36:03] Yeah.

[1:36:06] One of my –

[1:36:07] Dan's Googling pasta.

[1:36:08] I'm looking at types of pasta.

[1:36:08] That fucking pasta.

[1:36:09] So, Dan.

[1:36:10] So, wait.

[1:36:10] So, Dan.

[1:36:11] You were admonishing us to pay it to be good and not do more pasta jokes.

[1:36:14] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:14] It all just seemed really fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:16] And now he's Googling pastas and licking his lips.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:19] Yeah.

[1:36:20] Now I'm just hungry for pasta.

[1:36:21] There's just cooking in the background there.

[1:36:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:26] Dan's slow evolution into Garfield continues the pace as he becomes obsessed with pasta.

[1:36:31] Yeah.

[1:36:31] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:32] I just want to see – yeah.

[1:36:35] I want to see – I just want – I mean I would want a full sequel to The Guest I guess.

[1:36:39] But it would be fine if it was just kind of like we got to see Dan Stevens walk around a little bit more and there would be some cool synth wave on the soundtrack and some old deep cuts from the 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:51] Yeah.

[1:36:52] I mean I feel like something like – I wouldn't mind like a little check-in with the characters from Hot Fuzz even if it's a short one.

[1:37:00] Nice.

[1:37:01] Because I love those guys.

[1:37:01] I feel like Edgar Wright is pretty good at like doing stuff like that.

[1:37:05] I know on the like the DVD box of Spaced they did like a very brief like hint at where those characters might be years down the line.

[1:37:12] Do you have anything, guys?

S2

[1:37:15] I recently watched Never Too Young to Die.

[1:37:18] Little John Stamos, Gene Simmons.

[1:37:20] Oh, yeah.

[1:37:21] With the young John Stamos as a gymnast.

[1:37:25] I wouldn't mind continuing that track because those two were thrilling on screen.

[1:37:31] And among – I think similar to the – I was always – I mean it's satisfying to get it wraps up.

[1:37:38] But I always hated that question mark at the end of Flash Gordon as a kid because I was like there's so much more to explore there.

[1:37:46] I want those – I mean like I did think that that was a totally viable alter universe that I would like to stay in and hang out in and see more about like what happened.

[1:37:56] Like being the Merciless and Cameron's daughter's name but obviously Dale Arden.

[1:38:02] There's more adventure to be had there I'd say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:04] I'm curious about what happened to the characters in my second favorite movie of all time.

[1:38:10] That's right.

[1:38:10] Shadow of a Doubt.

[1:38:12] You found out your uncle was a murderer.

[1:38:14] He died on a train while trying to kill you.

[1:38:16] How do you deal with that?

[1:38:17] What's – how you – and now there's this cop that is clearly a lunkhead who is on the case, is in love with you and you got to figure out how to put him down easily, you know, gently.

[1:38:27] So I kind of want to know what happens to young Charlie at the – you know, after that movie.

[1:38:32] But otherwise I started thinking I was like – I started thinking about Gremlins and like I would want to see where Gizmo's at now.

[1:38:37] Wait, but I would want a whole sequel of that.

[1:38:39] I don't want to make a sequel.

S2

[1:38:39] It would be interesting to see like the gang from Pretty in Pink together now being like, wow, we were – said awful, awful things back then and just having a full reckoning of like should we be canceled?

[1:38:54] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:55] Or like the cast of The Big Chill and they're all like Trump voters now.

[1:38:59] Like they've gone over there and they just reached that point and they're like, but they still listen to Motown music.

[1:39:04] Like I can't be racist.

[1:39:05] I listen to this music all the time, you know.

S2

[1:39:07] And the baby that Kevin Kline was supposed to impregnate is 40 now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:12] Yeah, that would be crazy.

[1:39:14] Yeah, well, what about three men and a baby?

[1:39:16] Where's that little lady now?

[1:39:18] Where's that little lady?

[1:39:20] Where's – or what are the movies that have babies in there?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:22] Yeah, we got to make that sequel soon.

[1:39:24] I mean all the three men are still with us.

[1:39:27] We got to strike while the iron is hot.

[1:39:29] Yeah.

S2

[1:39:30] Dan, you and I were talking about our Gutenberg love.

[1:39:32] I'd watch a sequel to The Diner again, see like what those guys are doing.

[1:39:37] I don't feel like – well, I don't feel like Dan was well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:40] I mean I'd love to see like the characters from Big Trouble in Lowell China get another adventure in like a different sort of situation.

S2

[1:39:48] How about Remo Williams' The Adventure Begins, which never –

[1:39:51] It's going to continue.

[1:39:52] The adventure continues.

[1:39:53] I love Fred Ward.

[1:39:54] It's all in my heart.

[1:39:56] Dan, I guarantee you –

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:56] Joel Grey's performance doesn't age super well and was probably super offensive at the time.

[1:40:01] But yeah.

[1:40:02] Yeah.

[1:40:03] What does?

[1:40:03] Everything else –

[1:40:04] Joel Grey's performance as the like martial arts master.

S2

[1:40:08] We'll cut that.

[1:40:09] Yeah, yeah.

[1:40:10] That won't be in the sequel.

[1:40:11] I don't think so.

[1:40:13] Nope.

[1:40:13] Don't make it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:14] Dan, I guarantee you someone is pitching three old men and a baby right now where it's the same three men but they're old now but they've got to take care of like their daughter's baby.

[1:40:22] Their granddaughter baby.

[1:40:23] Oh, no.

[1:40:23] You're totally right.

[1:40:25] Yeah.

[1:40:25] And somehow it's going to be in part of the Ghostbusters universe or something.

[1:40:29] I don't know.

[1:40:29] Yes.

[1:40:30] It's going to be Ghostbusters presents three ancient men and a little lady.

S2

[1:40:34] Ghostbusters presents.

[1:40:36] And the Ghostbusters –

Dan McCoy

[1:40:37] Ghostbusters have moved into – yeah, production.

[1:40:40] That's their job now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:40] And it opens with Ernie Hudson walking out and he goes, the Ghostbusters just loved this story so much that we had to put our weight behind it.

[1:40:47] And we just want to make sure to bring it to you, a wider audience that might otherwise see it.

[1:40:52] And so enjoy three old – three ancient men and a baby.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:55] We want to make it clear to you there are no ghosts in this movie unlike the original Three Men and a Baby which famously had a ghost in one scene.

[1:41:03] There are no ghosts in this story.

S2

[1:41:05] And then you hear, cyber, and he regals across the screen really quickly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:10] I've been hearing early reports about the new Ghostbusters movie that a deceased actor shows up as a ghost and I'm so fucking bummed.

[1:41:18] Yeah.

[1:41:19] Like, ugh.

[1:41:21] Stop it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:22] Just fucking stop it, guys.

[1:41:23] Everyone stop that shit.

[1:41:25] Doesn't mean you should.

[1:41:26] Which way?

[1:41:26] Is it Richard Widmark?

[1:41:29] Probably.

[1:41:31] I mean, I didn't want to spoil the movie for me, Elliot.

[1:41:33] I was trying to think.

[1:41:34] I was trying to think.

[1:41:35] I was like, it's not going to be Elisha Cook Jr., but maybe Richard Widmark.

[1:41:38] Yeah.

[1:41:38] Of all the deceased actors.

[1:41:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:41] One more letter.

[1:41:43] This is from Selena Lastname Withheld, who writes, I'm a librarian and cataloger by day, and I guess that's about it.

[1:41:52] Okay.

[1:41:53] While I was on break at work.

[1:41:54] At night, I sleep.

[1:41:55] At night, I sleep.

[1:41:56] I decided to jack in to see if our favorite peaches had entries on Library of Congress.

[1:42:01] In the industry, if you do, you've made it.

[1:42:04] Imagine my surprise to see all three Flophouse boys with their very own name authorities, and two had not just their name, but something you're known for.

[1:42:15] For Dan, it's McCoy, Dan, parentheses, comic book writer.

[1:42:20] Because out of the entire bunch, you're best known for writing comics.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:24] For Elliot.

[1:42:25] That seems inaccurate.

[1:42:27] For Elliot, he's.

[1:42:28] Dan, remind me again how many comics you've written.

[1:42:30] Was it one?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:31] Well, we wrote a couple for the Flophouse, so three.

[1:42:34] There's no way those were in the Library of Congress, though.

[1:42:38] For Elliot, he's Kalen comma Elliot, 1981 dash.

[1:42:45] As we all know.

[1:42:46] I'm still alive.

[1:42:47] Oh, thank goodness.

[1:42:48] This is not the way I wanted to find out that I had died.

[1:42:51] As we all know, Elliot is best known for being born.

[1:42:54] But then we reach Wellington Commons.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:56] Wait, so it doesn't even say like author or anything like that?

[1:42:59] Nope.

[1:42:59] Okay, fair.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:01] Then we reach Wellington comma Stuart, who is bereft of a title by which we can differentiate him from all the other Stuart Wellingtons.

[1:43:10] I'm so mysterious.

[1:43:11] My question for you is, what should Stuart's Library of Congress dollar sign C, parentheses, titles and words associated with a name.

[1:43:23] Never stop flopping.

[1:43:24] Selena, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:26] I think it should just say hashtag blessed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:32] Man slash myth slash legend.

[1:43:34] Castle freak booster.

[1:43:36] True.

[1:43:37] Nice.

[1:43:38] Can't argue with that.

[1:43:40] Yeah.

[1:43:40] It should say Stuart is through Wellington comma Stuart, parentheses, equally funny, close parentheses.

[1:43:45] Uh-huh.

[1:43:47] That's enough for me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:49] Ugh.

[1:43:50] Those are fun.

[1:43:50] I'm just happy.

[1:43:51] I'm just happy to be involved.

[1:43:53] You know?

[1:43:53] Just happy to be here?

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:54] Just happy to be here.

[1:43:55] That's what I should say.

[1:43:57] Future generations who are just scrolling through the Library of Congress name listings will be like, who was he?

[1:44:02] What did he do?

[1:44:03] What a mystery.

[1:44:04] That's pretty cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:07] Well, let's put a cherry on this Flophouse Sunday of Shocktober.

[1:44:13] I don't know.

[1:44:13] We haven't even done recommendations yet, dude.

[1:44:15] I was really having a clear idea of where it was headed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:17] Put the top back on the Jack-O-Landering.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:20] No, by doing recommendations.

[1:44:21] Oh, okay.

[1:44:22] That was sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:22] Let me back up.

[1:44:23] That was going to be a segue.

[1:44:24] Let me back up the Stuart truck.

[1:44:26] Beep.

[1:44:27] Beep.

[1:44:28] Beep.

S2

[1:44:28] Beep.

[1:44:29] Beep.

[1:44:29] Hold on.

[1:44:29] Let me turn on my robot voice.

[1:44:31] Beep.

[1:44:32] Beep.

[1:44:34] Does that sound roboty now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:37] Yeah.

[1:44:37] That was pretty good.

[1:44:38] Not for us, but I'm assuming.

S2

[1:44:39] Yeah.

[1:44:39] I mean, it sounded pretty roboty.

[1:44:41] For the national and international audience, I want them to have that.

[1:44:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:45] And a national audience.

[1:44:47] Love robots.

[1:44:48] Now we're doing recommendations.

[1:44:51] That's what I was.

S2

[1:44:52] You can't live without them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:54] That song was about robots?

S2

[1:44:56] Yeah.

[1:44:56] You didn't know that?

[1:44:57] You gotta think.

[1:44:58] I didn't realize that.

[1:44:59] You guys got to think.

[1:45:00] Open your third eye.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:01] Yeah.

[1:45:02] That's true.

[1:45:02] You gotta open that third eye.

[1:45:06] Recommendations.

[1:45:07] I'm going to recommend, usually this is the part of the show where we recommend good movies

[1:45:13] to watch.

[1:45:14] I am going to go the opposite direction and recommend a bad movie, but a bad movie that unlike...

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:19] Bizarro just showed up.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:21] Unlike the...

[1:45:22] Me, I'm a hate movie.

[1:45:27] Unlike the unholy, you will have a good time watching this.

[1:45:32] Last night, I had a small gathering of folks for a Halloween thing.

[1:45:38] All vaccinated.

[1:45:39] We're all doing just fine.

[1:45:42] And we watched...

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:43] I noticed my invitation never arrived.

[1:45:45] Was it lost in the email?

Dan McCoy

[1:45:46] I live in Los Angeles, which is...

[1:45:49] I didn't see either of you guys there.

[1:45:50] On the other coast.

[1:45:52] Sorry that you did not get an invite, but we watched...

[1:45:55] Stuart was here.

[1:45:55] We watched Grizzly 2 The Revenge, which was very good as a bad movie.

[1:46:03] Technically an unfinished...

[1:46:03] Interrupt Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:04] Tell us what you were going to say.

S2

[1:46:05] Technically not a finished movie.

[1:46:07] I have so much to say to you about this offline, including my best friend, who you're supposed

[1:46:12] to be best friends with, who wrote a big, long article about it recently that you will

[1:46:15] love.

[1:46:16] Oh, great.

[1:46:17] Great, great, great.

[1:46:17] Yeah.

[1:46:18] I'll channel offline, but yes, I totally agree with you.

[1:46:20] I would throw in, which most horror films probably, or fans probably know about, but I

[1:46:26] had not seen, which is Dead and Buried, the 1981 kind of amazing film.

[1:46:33] I saw that one.

[1:46:33] Not imperfect, but not that imperfect, with Melody Anderson, which is, I guess, why I

[1:46:39] had Flash Gordon on my mind.

[1:46:41] And most importantly, Grandpa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as a mysterious and

[1:46:47] possibly menacing figure in this town in which people make it dead and buried.

[1:46:55] Oh, movie.

[1:46:55] This is a screenplay by Dan O'Bannon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:57] Yeah.

[1:46:58] That cover, I remember.

[1:46:59] I've never seen it, though.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:00] I put this on my want to see during the Halloween movie season sort of letterboxed list, and

[1:47:07] I started watching it, but I haven't had a chance to finish it.

[1:47:10] I heard only good things about this movie.

[1:47:13] Dead and Buried.

[1:47:14] Oh, that's cool.

S2

[1:47:14] It ain't perfect, but very eerie and cool, and definitely very cool.

[1:47:19] And with, although with a mystifyingly just awful cop as it's lead, just absolutely bumbling,

[1:47:26] but sexy.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:29] Before we move along entirely, though, I do want to say about Grizzly 2, the beautiful

[1:47:34] thing about it is it started shooting in 83, then they finished it last year with a bunch

[1:47:39] of stock footage of bears, basically.

[1:47:43] And some concert goers.

[1:47:46] It is an object lesson in trying to solve, like, save an unfinished movie with editing

[1:47:52] and failing totally.

[1:47:55] Like, it is 74 minutes.

[1:47:56] They just, like, dragged it over the finish line, and it's really funny how silly it is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:01] And, I mean, the star power involved in it, Dan.

[1:48:05] Yeah.

[1:48:06] We have a scene with Charlie Sheen, George Clooney, Laura Dern, and then later on, Gimli

[1:48:11] himself, Jonathan Rhys-Davies shows up.

[1:48:15] Yeah.

[1:48:15] Yeah, it's pretty great.

[1:48:17] Stu, do you want to?

[1:48:19] Hell yeah, I want to go.

[1:48:20] I'm going to recommend a movie that's not a horror movie.

[1:48:22] What?

[1:48:22] I'm going to recommend a movie called Pig, starring Nicolas Cage.

[1:48:25] It's a movie about a hermit who is a truffle hunter.

[1:48:29] Kermit?

[1:48:30] A hermit.

[1:48:30] A hermit?

[1:48:31] Nope, not a kermit.

[1:48:32] It's a hermit, and he's a truffle hunter, and he has a truffle hunting pig.

[1:48:35] And then some fucking asswipes steal his pig, and he's got to get that shit back.

[1:48:39] It is easily my favorite John Wick movie.

[1:48:41] I love it.

[1:48:42] It's very much a Pacific Northwest movie.

[1:48:45] It's beautiful.

[1:48:46] It has a really great performance from Alex Wolfe, who you would know as the sad kid from

[1:48:50] Hereditary, and apparently a sad kid from Old, but I have not seen it yet.

[1:48:54] And it also has a really great performance from Adam Arkin.

[1:48:58] It is great.

[1:49:00] I totally recommend it.

[1:49:02] Yep, check it out.

[1:49:03] Pig.

S2

[1:49:03] So, Stuart, I have seen the previews for it and been quite interested, but I feel like

[1:49:08] they're almost deliberately marketing it as a ha-ha laugh at this movie, but it's legit

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:15] great.

[1:49:16] It's legit great.

S2

[1:49:17] Yeah, awesome.

[1:49:18] I just wanted to be clear.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:18] It is not a tongue-in-cheek.

[1:49:20] It is...

S2

[1:49:21] It's not the, like, wack-a-wack-a, birdemic part two.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:25] It's a great movie.

[1:49:26] It's fun.

[1:49:27] It's one of my favorites of the year.

[1:49:29] Easily.

[1:49:29] Right on!

[1:49:29] No question.

[1:49:30] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:30] Do they play the overkill song, Pig, at any point during it?

[1:49:33] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:34] Uh-huh.

[1:49:34] Yep.

[1:49:35] The whole time.

[1:49:36] That's the...

[1:49:36] Really?

[1:49:36] Constantly?

[1:49:36] It's a really weird choice.

[1:49:37] Yeah, constantly.

[1:49:38] You can't hear any dialogue.

[1:49:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:40] That seems like a big mistake.

[1:49:43] I'm going to recommend a movie that I'm surprised you guys hadn't recommended up till now, since

[1:49:48] it's Shocktober and we're doing horror movies, but I'm going to recommend Malignant, the James

[1:49:52] Wan movie from, like, a month ago or so, I guess.

[1:49:55] Yeah.

[1:49:56] It is...

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:57] And it's also great.

[1:49:58] That's a great movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:59] What?

[1:49:59] Yeah, yeah.

[1:50:00] And it's a movie that, if I was going to explain it best, it would be like, here's a premise

[1:50:05] that David Cronenberg would have done in, like, the early 80s or mid-80s, but they're

[1:50:10] going to do it not tongue-in-cheek, but kind of, like, as style out as they can.

[1:50:17] Like, kind of as unnatural style as they can in a lot of ways.

[1:50:21] But then it's going to get filtered kind of through the kind of action you expect to see

[1:50:24] in a superhero movie at a certain point.

[1:50:26] So there's a...

[1:50:27] It's a movie that has a kind of slow burnish open, or slow burnish first hour where you're

[1:50:33] kind of like, I see where this movie is going.

[1:50:35] And plot-wise, I saw where it was going, but I did not expect where it was going to go gore-wise,

[1:50:39] where it just went...

[1:50:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:40] Like, it just...

[1:50:41] The body count on it by the end was the exact opposite of The Unholy.

[1:50:44] I was like, there's a lot of people dying in this movie, in this thing.

[1:50:47] But, um...

[1:50:48] And there's a scene where the bad guy throws a chair across the screen, and it smashes

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:52] somebody, and it's so fucking funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:54] Yeah.

[1:50:55] And it's a movie that is like...

[1:50:57] I mean this in the best possible way, is like high-gloss trash, you know?

[1:51:01] Like, it's not...

[1:51:02] Right.

[1:51:03] It is not trying to elevate the horror movie, except in just doing this type of movie at a

[1:51:08] high level of production, you know?

[1:51:10] Yeah.

[1:51:10] But it's...

[1:51:11] It feels like a very fun kind of mash of modern horror style, and that kind of 80s horror

[1:51:19] style where everything was about medical experiments gone wrong, or like...

[1:51:25] There was always...

[1:51:26] There was somebody...

[1:51:26] Always a doctor taking notes on videotape about some strange case that they're dealing

[1:51:31] with.

[1:51:32] Like, so it's...

[1:51:33] I really enjoyed it, though.

[1:51:34] I know a bunch of people talked to me.

[1:51:36] They're like, I didn't like it.

[1:51:37] It was too crazy.

[1:51:38] And I watched it, and I was like, well, this is just the movie.

[1:51:40] Yeah.

[1:51:41] Yeah, sure.

[1:51:41] Yeah.

[1:51:41] So that's malignant.

[1:51:44] Malignant.

[1:51:45] Malignant.

S2

[1:51:45] I find that less and less you get those movies that are just like, we're going to be a very

[1:51:52] fun B to B plus movie.

[1:51:55] That's all we're trying to be.

[1:51:56] We're going to entertain you.

[1:51:58] Like, put yourself in our hands.

[1:52:00] You're in.

[1:52:00] You're out.

[1:52:01] And because it's just...

[1:52:02] It feels like it's either these kind of spiritless, you know, by the books or so over

[1:52:09] the top that there's way too much at stake, and then they ruin it by formulaic.

[1:52:14] I just like those ones that feel like they're...

[1:52:16] They just came from someone's head.

[1:52:17] Yeah.

[1:52:17] Like, where you can feel that person's personality, and you're like...

[1:52:20] Good choice of words for this movie.

[1:52:21] Yeah, especially.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:23] But yeah, there's a...

[1:52:25] Like, the last movie we did on the Flophouse was an adaptation of Turn of the Screw, which

[1:52:31] felt like it was so bending over backwards to be respectable, you know?

[1:52:36] That it was never kind of like scary or cool or gross or anything like that.

[1:52:41] But then, yeah, there's...

[1:52:42] I...

[1:52:43] The movies that are kind of like, uh, have you ever seen someone's face get mashed with

[1:52:48] a brick into a car while a dog's attacking them?

[1:52:51] Uh-oh!

[1:52:52] And then, like, and then somebody makes a joke about it, like, that's not...

[1:52:55] I don't want to see that either.

[1:52:56] Like, I want the characters in the movie, at least, to be affected by what's going on,

[1:53:00] you know?

[1:53:00] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:01] Yeah, the...

[1:53:02] Yeah, and the...

[1:53:03] I feel like it's so...

[1:53:04] I mean, it's so common for horror movies to be either what you just described or, like,

[1:53:11] drenched in, like, sparse strings and, like, creepy dollhouses in the background.

[1:53:17] And, like, it's like, no, it can be a little fun, too.

[1:53:21] Like, being scared is fun.

[1:53:24] That's why people are here.

[1:53:25] They don't want to, like, beat a press for two hours.

[1:53:27] That's why they watch something else.

S2

[1:53:28] And you only get two cheap jump scares per movie.

[1:53:33] Yeah.

[1:53:33] That is...

[1:53:34] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:35] Anymore, you're done.

S2

[1:53:36] Yeah.

[1:53:36] Well, it's like, I feel like you could do...

[1:53:37] You go to jail.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:38] After a certain amount of jump...

[1:53:40] Yeah, jump scare jail, where they keep jumping at you.

[1:53:42] Huh?

[1:53:42] Taste your own medicine, huh?

[1:53:43] That sounds awful.

S2

[1:53:44] There's, like, a cat in a cabinet, and then you're in the corner.

[1:53:47] You trip over something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:49] Every time you lift up the toilet seat, there's, like, a lizard jumps out at you.

S2

[1:53:54] There's a mirror that you smudge through, and it's like, oh, it goes behind me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:58] You always gotta shake out your shoes every morning.

[1:54:02] Gotta shake out your shoes in case there's, like, a Venus flytrap or something in it that's gonna jump out and snap at you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:06] Yeah, every time you wake up, you're like, oh, is that a scary guy?

[1:54:09] Oh, no, that's just a hat rack with a coat on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:13] I'm being suffocated.

[1:54:15] Oh, it's a blanket.

[1:54:15] Oh, oh, never mind, never mind.

[1:54:17] I do think you have one.

[1:54:19] Mine's just closed.

[1:54:19] I mean, I guess that is the guy in the Sandman comic who gets punished by constantly waking up to nightmares and then waking up from them to new nightmares.

[1:54:29] You know, like, that's kind of that.

[1:54:30] Wes Craven's new nightmare?

[1:54:32] Yeah, yeah.

[1:54:32] He keeps waking up to the movie Wes Craven's new nightmare.

[1:54:34] Yeah, and he's like, why can't I just finish it?

[1:54:37] I keep waking up after the first half hour.

[1:54:40] But it's, yeah, to see a movie that, I feel like if you can justify a couple of jump scares if you then pay off with real scares.

[1:54:47] And this is a movie where it's like, here's some real crazy stuff for you.

[1:54:51] There's one scene later on that was a little too much for me where a character is in a jail cell and she is surrounded by the most cartoonishly kind of, like, stereotyped people you would see in a lady's jail cell.

[1:55:02] And I was like, movie, you're not trying very hard.

[1:55:04] Including veteran stuntwoman Zoe Bell.

[1:55:06] I mean, everybody in the room, everyone on screen does fine.

[1:55:09] Just the fact that there's, like, they're all dressed up like you would see in a cautionary tale about life in the big city in the 70s.

[1:55:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:55:17] It's like a Streets of Rage level.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:19] Or that they're, like, about to go before Judge Harry on Night Court or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:24] I mean, what, okay, there's your horror reboot.

[1:55:29] You do a horror reboot of Night Court where there's, I don't know, like one of the hookers they bring in is a vampire or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:34] Could you imagine if, like, Bull showed up at that fucking jail cell lair?

[1:55:37] And he's like, ladies, it's time to, oh my god.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:41] But if you want a fun horror-y over-the-top movie, this is a good one for you.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:49] Gillian, was Dead and Buried your official recommendation?

[1:55:52] Or did you have something else?

[1:55:53] Yes.

[1:55:53] That was my official.

[1:55:55] Well, in that case.

[1:55:56] Count it.

[1:55:57] That's cool.

[1:55:58] Is there anything you'd like to give our tiny audience compared to your large audience to know?

[1:56:05] Anything you want to plug?

S2

[1:56:06] Just that I'm happy to be here.

[1:56:09] That's, well.

[1:56:10] And yes, I'm working on the next novel.

[1:56:12] That's what I get.

[1:56:13] Whenever I go on Twitter, that's all I get.

[1:56:14] I can post anything about, you know, like Biden has taken over the world and is awesome.

[1:56:19] And people will be like, when's your next novel?

[1:56:21] Get back to work.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:22] I had a good day, you know.

[1:56:24] It was really good for my mental health.

[1:56:26] They're like, that's really nice.

[1:56:27] I hope that helps you write more.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:29] I can't read your good day at home.

[1:56:31] Create more content.

[1:56:32] Let us take some of your heat.

[1:56:35] Because we were texting and you were saying that you watched, you know, the first half in the background of all of the movies we suggested you could possibly do.

[1:56:47] And I was like, oh, that's a lot of time to spend on this.

[1:56:49] And you're like, well, you know, like, I'm writing.

[1:56:53] Bad writing day.

[1:56:54] But let's, we can take the heat by saying, like, we're preventing Gillian Flynn from finishing her next book by having her watch the first half of a bunch of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:05] Well, luckily it'll be different with next week's guest, George R.R. Martin.

[1:57:08] Uh-oh.

[1:57:09] Oh, no.

S2

[1:57:09] Oh.

[1:57:12] I actually have the same editor as George, so.

[1:57:16] Oh, man.

[1:57:16] Talk about a cushy job.

[1:57:18] Throw it her away.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:19] Just sit around, wait all day for books that don't come in.

[1:57:22] Amazing.

[1:57:23] Wow.

[1:57:25] Well, okay.

S2

[1:57:27] It has been an absolute delight, you guys, as I have me back for the Easter Passover episode.

[1:57:35] Sure.

[1:57:36] Sure.

[1:57:36] I mean, we should do that.

[1:57:38] Arbor Day, whatever you got.

[1:57:39] I got lots of tree movies to discuss.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:42] Holiday Gillian, we'll call.

[1:57:46] But, well, before we go, just quick thanks to our editor, Alex Smith, and producer, who makes us sound okay, passable.

[1:57:58] Like a robot.

[1:58:00] Any problems in the recording are our fault, and not Alex, who does amazing work.

[1:58:05] Thank you to Maximum Fun, our network.

[1:58:09] Go check out MaximumFun.org for other podcasts.

[1:58:14] But for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:58:17] I am Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:19] I'm Elliot Kalin, and we've been joined by...

S2

[1:58:23] Me, Gillian Flynn.

[1:58:25] Thank you so much.

[1:58:26] Bye.

[1:58:27] Bye.

[1:58:28] Bye.

[1:58:29] Bye.

[1:58:30] Bye.

[1:58:32] It's recording.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:33] Okay.

[1:58:34] And we'll just assume you don't sound like a robot.

[1:58:35] That'll be...

[1:58:36] It's a robot.

[1:58:38] It's a robot.

[1:58:38] Okay, good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:38] It would be so funny if, as a joke, you did it as a robot without telling us, and we look

[1:58:43] back and we're like...

[1:58:43] I swear.

[1:58:44] That's why she kept mentioning robots during the whole thing, so her batteries were low.

[1:58:48] Trying to see if anyone was paying attention.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:51] She was the girl from Small Wonder, all grown up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:54] But she didn't talk like a robot, really?

[1:58:56] She doesn't grow up, Dan.

[1:58:58] She's a robot.

[1:58:58] That's the whole thing.

[1:58:59] She's always going to be a Small Wonder.

[1:59:01] Aww.

S2

[1:59:02] He did get you on that one, Dan.

[1:59:04] He did get you on that one.

[1:59:07] Maximumfun.org.

S7

[1:59:08] Comedy and culture.

[1:59:10] Artist owned.

[1:59:11] Audience supported.

Ep. #354 - The Unholy, with Gillian Flynn

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