Ep. #400 - Troll 2

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Troll 2!

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] For our 400th episode!

Elliott Kalan

[0:08] We've wasted our lives!

[0:10] Woohoo!

[0:11] Woohoo!

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:36] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:42] And I'm Elliot Kalin, loving that Stuart took his sunglasses off in the middle of his introduction.

[0:47] A purely visual joke for a purely audio medium.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] Yeah, what a great way to start off the 400th episode, an episode that I assume people might be dipping in on because it's a special episode.

[1:00] A couple of episodes.

[1:00] Cheers.

[1:01] Okay.

[1:02] Congratulations, guys.

[1:04] With congratulations, but I was just saying that perhaps let's stick around up top because there are new people listening, we hope.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12] Yeah, yeah, because we're like, there's, oh wow, I've never heard this show before, but I'm going to listen to episode 400.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18] Let me start with the 400th one.

[1:20] Well, this is a perfect jumping on point for new listeners, just as every episode is.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] Yeah, I want to make it clear to anyone who is daunted by a long back catalog, you don't need to listen to them.

[1:32] Many of them you probably shouldn't.

[1:34] Early on, we said dumber things and the audio was worse.

[1:38] Jump in now.

[1:39] It's fine.

[1:40] It's a, you know, it's a big, beautiful Flophouse world and we're glad to have you.

[1:45] We don't do inside jokes, regular jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] Any jokes.

[1:51] 400 episodes, guys.

[1:53] Did you ever think you'd make it this far when you first started the podcast?

[1:56] No.

[1:56] Before you brought me in to be the star of the show.

[1:58] Did you ever think you'd be doing it a decade and a half later?

[2:01] 400 episodes.

[2:02] How do you feel?

Dan McCoy

[2:03] I'd be doing it for maybe another year or two until Stuart got bored and we stopped.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] And I'd just wander off into the woods.

[2:14] To pick berries?

[2:15] And I assumed we were going to stop doing it because Dan was going to get a high-powered TV writing job.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] And I did and I kept hanging on.

[2:23] And then he doesn't have that job and he still kept hanging on.

[2:26] And now no one has any high-powered TV writing jobs and we're still doing it.

[2:30] Amazing, everybody.

[2:32] You know what?

[2:32] Before we get into the meat of this episode, I wanted to thank you, the listener.

[2:36] I don't know how many episodes you've been with us.

[2:38] Maybe this is your first episode, which thank you.

[2:39] That's fantastic.

[2:40] Maybe you've been with us for 100 episodes.

[2:42] Maybe you've been with us for 200 episodes.

[2:44] Maybe you've been with us since episode number one all those years ago.

[2:48] Still?

Dan McCoy

[2:48] In which case, hello to my brother, John.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Thank you so much for being with us.

[2:55] Thank you for sharing this podcast with us.

[2:57] Thank you for making it possible for us to do this and for giving us a reason to do it.

[3:02] Because without the listeners, why would we do it?

[3:04] We must be insane to do it without listeners.

[3:07] And yet we did for years.

[3:09] Well, if you check out these prices on this toaster oven behind us.

[3:12] Yeah.

[3:14] But we really appreciate it.

[3:15] Guys, what are we going to do that's special today for this 400th episode?

[3:20] Well, for this—

[3:21] I think we got some calls from some of our famous friends.

[3:24] Why, here's Jimmy Stewart.

[3:27] Well, well, well, folks, I love this Flophouse show.

[3:30] Oh, wow.

[3:31] 400 episodes.

[3:32] That's pretty amazing.

[3:34] And, well, I've been dead for years, so I should go now.

[3:37] I'm a ghost.

[3:38] That ended the way a Dan McCoy tweet joke does.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] Well, I don't want—you know, like, we all know that he's dead.

[3:45] We don't want anyone confused.

[3:47] You have to specify that he's a ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] We've got another celebrity caller in, another celebrity caller.

[3:52] Yeah, see, yeah.

[3:53] What an amazing achievement.

[3:54] Yeah.

[3:55] 400 episodes, see.

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:57] Flophouse, see.

[3:58] Yeah.

[3:59] Congratulations.

[3:59] All the most relevant impressions.

[4:01] From your boy, Edward G. Robinson.

[4:03] Yeah.

[4:06] What's the G for?

[4:08] Bankster.

[4:09] The G was—

[4:10] He played a lot of them.

[4:11] To be honest, it was probably for his real last name, Goldenberg, because his real last

[4:14] name, I think, was Emmanuel Goldenberg, but I'm not sure.

[4:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:18] Nice to know.

[4:18] I learned something.

[4:20] So this can be filed under—

[4:22] Educational.

[4:22] Factual.

[4:23] Yeah.

[4:23] It might have just been Goldberg.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] It was—yeah.

[4:25] Yeah.

[4:26] So now this podcast can finally be filed under informational and pop culture historical.

[4:32] Set aside—

[4:33] Set aside—

Dan McCoy

[4:33] Self-help, parentheses, sexuality.

[4:36] That part comes later.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:38] Later in the episode.

[4:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Okay.

[4:41] So what do we normally do on this podcast?

[4:42] So this podcast is one where we watch a bad movie or one that, you know, critically

[4:49] has been not accepted, let's say.

[4:52] And we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Or just a movie we wanted to talk about.

[4:55] Sometimes, guys, we just talk about movies we want to talk about.

Dan McCoy

[4:58] Yeah.

[4:58] You know.

[4:58] Yeah.

[4:59] Don't—yeah.

[5:00] Don't take us too seriously.

[5:02] And don't take life too seriously, because it ain't permanent know-how.

[5:06] Pogo.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Dan's turning into a Pogo character.

[5:09] Yep.

[5:10] Anyway.

[5:11] I'm currently—my younger son wants me to read Pogo to him, and I've been reading

[5:14] a Pogo, and I have to do so much cleaning up the dialect just for it to be comprehensible

[5:18] to him.

Stuart Wellington

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] I still—

[5:20] But you do like an accent, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Yeah.

[5:22] Oh, yeah.

[5:22] I still do it.

[5:23] Oh, I'll guarantee Albert the Alligator.

[5:25] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:27] My brother gave me, for my birthday, a couple of collections of, like, Pogo retellings

[5:35] of, like, old stories.

[5:38] And I can't tell whether they're, like, old comics that have added, like, you know, panels

[5:44] to make it more like a storybook, which they would do sometimes, or whether it was an entirely

[5:48] new book.

[5:50] But I'm reading it, and I'm like, I still enjoy this, but I found this really funny when

[5:56] I was a kid.

[5:57] Was I wrong?

[5:59] Have I changed?

[6:00] Or is it these specific comics that aren't joke-filled?

[6:05] Only one way to find out.

[6:06] Again—

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] You've got to read the entirety of the Pogo comic series.

Dan McCoy

[6:08] Great way to introduce new listener star show.

[6:10] A long digression about Pogo.

[6:13] About a comic strip nobody remembers.

[6:16] A comic strip that the creator of which had died by the time I was on the scene, and it

[6:22] was written by someone else.

[6:24] And the dialogue of which—

Stuart Wellington

[6:24] Uh-oh, watch out, folks.

[6:25] Dan is on the scene.

[6:26] And the—

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] Walt Kelly, move aside, because baby Dan is here.

[6:32] And the comic strip that, if you read it not with a welcoming eye, does seem racist.

[6:42] Because the dialect is so thick.

Dan McCoy

[6:43] They are all using dialect.

[6:46] The only thing I can say about it is none of them are caricatures of black people.

[6:52] They're just animals.

[6:53] So you can sort of be like, okay, I guess this is just general weird storybook Southern

[6:58] dialect.

[6:59] But it's hard.

[7:00] It's hard to know where that line is.

[7:02] Yeah.

[7:02] Anyway.

[7:04] So, here we are.

[7:05] Now that's out of the way.

[7:06] What are we doing in this podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[7:07] So now that it's our 400th episode, and we have all these new listeners.

Dan McCoy

[7:12] Guys, I'm not sure this is going to bring in the people like I was hoping.

[7:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[7:18] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and talk about it.

[7:20] Okay, we're starting over.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Okay, on today's episode, we discuss Troll 2.

[7:23] Trolls World Tour.

[7:24] Blah, blah, blah.

[7:25] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[7:26] It's our 400th episode.

[7:27] Dan, what do we do on this show?

Dan McCoy

[7:29] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[7:31] And because it is our 400th episode on Milestone, we decided to watch one of the canonical good

[7:41] bad movies.

[7:42] Some would say the best worst movie.

[7:45] Yes, a particular documentary made by the kid.

[7:49] Star of the movie.

[7:49] The star of the movie.

[7:50] Yeah.

[7:50] Would say that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] So, you're saying he's not an impartial judge.

[7:53] Hold on a second.

[7:54] He's got a stake in this movie being the best worst movie.

[7:57] Not just a stake, a whole steak dinner.

Dan McCoy

[8:00] I've seen the documentary.

[8:01] I bear.

[8:02] It is a fun documentary.

[8:03] Yeah.

[8:03] Yeah, I bear him no ill will other than as a child.

[8:06] And this is true of a lot of children and a lot of child actors.

[8:09] Okay.

[8:10] He was a little irritated.

[8:11] Wow.

[8:13] But we all were.

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] New listeners, just get ready for Dan to go on the rampage against children many times

[8:18] in many episodes.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] He's going to go on this whole fucking Scrappy-Doo thing.

[8:22] We're all going to have to sit here with our heads in our hands.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] Well, that's the weird thing when Dan is like, you couldn't make a character like Scrappy-Doo

[8:29] these days.

[8:30] That's the culture we're living in.

[8:32] You want a Scrappy-Doo?

[8:33] Impossible.

[8:34] It's like, Dan, they don't have to make Scrappy-Doo.

[8:36] They made him already.

[8:36] He exists.

[8:37] Where are the new Scrappy-Doo's going to come from?

Dan McCoy

[8:41] New generation of kids have to be enraged by a new character being introduced late into

[8:47] a cartoon.

[8:47] Scrappy-Doo was first introduced in Blazing Saddles, right?

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] That's why we couldn't do him these days.

[8:51] That's why he can't do it today.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:53] Dan's like, they introduced Scrappy-Doo.

[8:56] Good.

[8:56] New blood, finally.

[8:57] And then they're giving me this pup named Scooby-Doo shit?

[9:00] No, no, no, no, no, friends.

[9:01] There's already a little kid pup.

[9:03] His name's Scrappy-Doo.

[9:05] Look, the kid is fine, I'm sure.

[9:07] They don't call him Scrappy-Doo.

[9:09] They call him Scrappy-Doo.

Dan McCoy

[9:11] I defy you to find a line reading in Troll 2 from the child lead that couldn't have the

[9:17] parenthetical whiny in front of it.

[9:21] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[9:21] Well, some of that can be laid on the doorstep of the director, I'm sure.

[9:25] Almost certainly.

[9:26] It's not a well-directed movie.

[9:28] But so Troll 2, yeah, this is a real classic of bad movies.

[9:32] This is a movie I've seen.

[9:33] I hadn't seen it in years, but I had seen several times.

[9:36] And which when I watched as a kid, because it was like HBO in the middle of the day filler.

[9:40] Yes.

[9:40] When I watched it as a kid, there were parts that genuinely scared me, including the opening

[9:44] of the film.

[9:45] Should we start in about what this movie is like?

[9:47] We shall, yeah.

[9:48] Shall we summarize it?

[9:49] And lead the audience through the experience of watching it, through our experience.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] So summarize, you just pulled up Wikipedia's exhaustive plot summary, I hope.

Elliott Kalan

[9:58] I mean, I have my own exhaustive plot summary.

[10:01] But Wikipedia is pretty detailed.

[10:03] It's intense.

[10:04] Yeah.

[10:05] And what I like is, it says Troll 2 on Wikipedia, it says, for the 2020 animated film, see Trolls

[10:10] World Tour.

[10:11] So other people have been making the same mistakes, too, that you made.

[10:14] So Troll 2, which is not actually a sequel to the film Troll.

[10:18] Let's get that right off the bat.

[10:19] This was a movie being made on its own under the name Goblins, or Goblin.

[10:23] Maybe not Goblins, because they didn't want to be sued by the band Goblins.

Stuart Wellington

[10:28] No, the band's called Goblin.

[10:29] Goblins would be the sequel to the band.

[10:33] To the band.

[10:33] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] Yeah, James Cameron came in and put a dollar sign after Goblin.

[10:41] And everyone was like, why are you here, James Cameron?

[10:44] Yeah, yeah.

[10:44] At this recording session for Goblin.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] For this recording session for the Dawn of the Dead soundtrack.

Stuart Wellington

[10:50] Then he climbed into his submersible and traveled away.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] Guys, we can't do submersible humor right now.

[10:56] It's a little too soon.

[10:57] I should mention, there's a lot going on in the world.

[10:59] We're recording this right before the 4th of July, although you'll hear it later.

[11:02] And submersibles are all the rage, as for the recent submersible tragedy.

[11:05] So let's avoid submarine and submersible humor.

[11:08] Even submarine sandwiches we shouldn't talk about.

[11:10] Yeah.

[11:10] It's going to be hard.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Yeah, you can't talk about the invisible maniacs, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[11:13] Oh, what?

[11:14] I can find a way.

[11:16] New listeners, you may not know that Stuart, who are just coming on, Stuart has a character

[11:19] he likes to do called the Old Sea Hand, who's kind of like a, you know, a crusty old salt

[11:23] who talks about submersibles.

[11:25] And so, Stuart, if you could just lay off.

[11:27] Well, maybe give him a taste, Stuart.

[11:28] Give him a taste of what that character is like.

[11:30] You're probably the character of the old, the crusty old sea salt.

Stuart Wellington

[11:33] Crusty old sea salt.

[11:35] Let me.

[11:35] Yeah.

[11:36] They call me Captain Nemo, the techno pirate, scourge of the seven seas and the British

[11:42] empire.

[11:44] How they will rue the day that they sent me and my Nautilus down to check out the Titanic.

[11:51] Oh, again, too soon, too topical.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] I would say that Stuart's performance was largely a change in his physical demeanor and no change

[12:00] in his voice.

[12:01] Yeah, very little, very little.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] I'm like a Kevin Costner type actor in that way.

[12:05] One last question, I guess.

[12:07] One last question for your character.

[12:10] In the Napoleonic Wars, what had oceans become?

[12:14] Always battlefields, baby.

[12:17] They become battlefields.

[12:18] Okay, so Troll 2.

[12:19] So, again, this is a movie that was originally called.

Dan McCoy

[12:21] The way you did that was like, you know, that fill-in-the-blank trivia before movies.

[12:29] Master and companion.

[12:31] Commander.

Elliott Kalan

[12:35] And a story of friends.

[12:36] Because it is a story of friendship, right?

[12:37] The Aubrey Matoran novels.

[12:38] Yeah, sure.

[12:39] Two best friends.

[12:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:42] Man, I miss those movie trivias that like started off as actual like movie trivia and then quickly

[12:47] just became a, have you seen the movies that are playing right now?

[12:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:51] Instead of now where you have a series of, I guess, fake influencers who come on and they go, let me tell you about my picks for the movies I can't wait to see this fall.

[13:00] Ant-Man, Quantumania is going to be amazing.

[13:03] And it's like, wait, so your pick is the big movie that they're advertising right now?

[13:07] Come on.

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:07] Come on.

[13:08] What a coincidence.

[13:09] What a coinkydink.

[13:10] Okay.

[13:10] So again, this movie was not originally part of the Troll franchise.

[13:14] And it should not be confused with the Trolls current animated franchise in which they take old pop songs and they troll them up,

[13:21] leading to the moment, the horrifying moment when my younger son said, oh yeah, I like that song Barracuda.

[13:25] It's from Trolls World Tour.

[13:27] And I had to say, it is not from Trolls World Tour.

[13:29] It's the original of the song, which he also loves.

[13:32] So this was, they made a movie called Troll and in a different movie called Goblin was being made and it was released as Troll 2.

[13:38] But you'll still see.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] The original Troll starred Sonny Bono.

[13:40] Am I correct in saying that?

[13:43] The unrelated original.

[13:44] He played the Troll?

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] He played the Troll, yeah.

[13:47] I think he was.

[13:47] It was where he premiered his song, I Got You Troll.

[13:50] They say I love, can't be because you're a troll.

[13:53] But I say I love you like butter on a roll.

Dan McCoy

[13:58] Babe.

[13:58] Troll.

Stuart Wellington

[13:59] I got you troll.

[14:00] Can you, are you looking to see if we can just edit that?

Dan McCoy

[14:03] Michael Moriarty was in it.

[14:04] Oh, Michael Moriarty.

[14:06] Yeah, and Sonny Bono was in.

[14:08] Low battery warning.

[14:09] Jane just got a low battery warning, everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] It's a race against time.

[14:13] But so my parody was accurate is what you're saying.

[14:15] Yes.

[14:16] I got you troll.

[14:17] Anyway, hey, Mr. Troll-Burreen man, sing a troll for me.

[14:21] Not even a sonny chair.

[14:23] They did a cover of it.

[14:23] They did a cover of it, Dan.

[14:24] Oh, did they?

[14:24] Okay.

[14:25] So we begin in the spookiest scene in the whole movie, to be honest.

[14:30] Grandpa, Grandpa Seth, an old man with a beard, is telling a bedtime story to his grandson,

[14:35] Josh, the whiny child that Dan took such offense at.

[14:39] And he tells the story of Peter.

[14:40] Or hero, yeah.

[14:41] He tells the story of Peter.

[14:42] And it's right – we're in princess bride territory.

[14:45] A grandpa telling a story to a kid in bed.

[14:48] He tells the story of Peter, a man who's dressed in a combo of clothes that's like his hat says the Renaissance,

[14:53] but his other clothes say 19th century businessman.

[14:57] He's bedeviled by an evil forest of goblins.

[15:01] And the goblins, how do you want to describe their look, guys?

[15:04] Because we see them pretty early on.

[15:06] They don't waste time not showing us the goblins.

Dan McCoy

[15:09] Well, I would say that they look kind of like a bunch of Ewoks wearing rubber spirit Halloween masks.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] Yeah, they're like Ewoks wearing sweatsuits to go trick-or-treating and Halloween masks.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] Yeah, and they don't really – some of them look wildly different than the others.

[15:30] Like there's kind of a industry to the trolls look,

[15:32] but then every once in a while you'll get one that's like really bug-eyed when all the other ones have.

[15:35] Yeah, I like that guy.

[15:36] Yeah.

[15:37] Yeah, he's the best.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] And so these kind of Ewoks and troll masks are – goblin masks, I'm sorry.

[15:42] They chase after Peter, and the opening credits is just showing them the trolls in the forest.

[15:50] And the opening theme song, I really like a lot.

[15:52] I have to admit.

[15:53] It's full of synth.

[15:54] It rocks.

[15:55] It's very of its time.

Dan McCoy

[15:56] What would we do, baby, without trolls?

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] Yeah.

[16:00] There's a time for trolls and a time for grandpa.

[16:03] What's it going to be tonight?

[16:07] Don't make me choose.

[16:09] Thank you for being a troll.

[16:12] After the opening credits, we see the story.

[16:14] Peter gets seduced by a troll pretending to be a beautiful woman, and when he eats some food she gives him, green slime pours from his face, and he turns into a plant, and the goblins eat him.

[16:25] And I said troll.

[16:25] I meant goblin.

[16:26] I'm going to keep making this mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[16:28] So that's one of the main powers of the goblins.

[16:31] They can transform into anybody.

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] They can transform into anybody, and if they give you food to eat, it will turn you into a plant after you bleed green from your forehead.

[16:39] And they eat plants.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] Now, does that look like normal food?

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] Yeah, it does mostly.

[16:43] I mean, here it doesn't.

[16:44] Here it's looked like a bunch of ooze, but a gloopy ooze.

[16:47] But usually it looks like normal food, I think.

Dan McCoy

[16:49] I don't want to kill the momentum too early, but I think this is a little bit of a place where it might be interesting to talk about the people behind this movie because the wife of the director who wrote it talked about how this is her response to a bunch of her friends becoming vegetarians and getting pissed off at them for being vegetarians.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] So this wasn't just a movie made to make money.

[17:13] This was a movie made out of spite.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:15] Yeah, and that's why they're trying to—

[17:17] Often the best motivator.

[17:17] That's why they have to turn people into vegetable matter before eating them, which I would argue sort of goes against one of the ideas behind vegetarianism, which is to not kill a sentient beast.

[17:31] So the understanding of vegetarianism that is being critiqued here is faulty from the start.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] Also, the trolls live—the trolls, the goblins live in a forest.

[17:41] They're surrounded by plants.

[17:42] The idea that they have to go through the process of making a person into a plant or to eat the plant, it just seems wasteful.

[17:49] The same way I was talking to God once, and I was saying to him, why waste time with the caterpillar stage?

[17:55] Why not just have them be born as butterflies?

[17:56] It's just a waste.

[17:57] It's just taking up time.

[17:58] It's inefficient.

[17:59] And he was like, where were you when I sunk the foundations of the earth and chained Leviathan and Bayamuth to the whatever.

[18:06] And I was like, dude, don't try to change the subject.

[18:10] We're talking about butterflies here.

[18:12] Yeah, yeah.

[18:13] A sparrow doesn't fall if I don't see them.

[18:15] Well, we're not talking about sparrows, dude.

[18:16] We're talking about butterflies.

[18:17] He just couldn't—and that's why caterpillars don't exist anymore because I defeated him.

[18:21] I said, debate me, Lord.

[18:22] Debate me.

[18:23] And he couldn't debate.

[18:24] He couldn't win.

[18:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] Yeah, this was when you were Kratos, right?

Elliott Kalan

[18:27] Yeah, exactly.

[18:28] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] I do want to mention—sorry, a couple—I mean, as long as we're in a couple other behind-the-scenes things.

[18:34] Claudio Fragasso.

[18:35] As long as we're in the thing that you introduced.

[18:38] Claudio Fragasso or Fragasso, I don't know, Italian director.

[18:42] Here he is directing under an Americanized pseudonym, but he's an Italian director.

[18:49] Ridley Scott.

[18:50] Who made—I've seen another movie by him.

[18:53] I saw Monster Dog starring Alice Cooper, which is also not that good, but kind of just in a more boring way, although it has a couple good music videos, sequences in it.

[19:05] But this has the feeling—

[19:06] Monster Dog is Dan's recommendation for this episode.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] Yeah.

[19:09] Better than Prince of Darkness when it comes to Alice Cooper's movies, says Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[19:13] Interesting.

[19:14] No, I'm just—like, the reason that this movie has kind of a weird vibe, one of them is it was a largely Italian crew and director.

[19:23] And writer who did not speak English well directing local non-actors.

[19:29] Like, the one person who did speak English well on set is apparently the costume designer, Laura Gimzer, who you may know as Black Emanuel, even though she's actually from Indonesia and Dutch descent.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] And we should also mention this according to the trivia online that most of the cast came to audition to be extras in the film because they were locals.

[19:51] And they said, no, you're the stars of the movie now.

[19:53] And so it is a mostly amateur cast dealing—who are American, working in English with a crew and director who don't speak English that well and are from the Italian cheapy tradition.

[20:07] Even a movie like The Visitor where it's a big-budget movie or a bigger-budget movie of an Italian director.

[20:14] That is—even that comes off as a strange kind of hallucination of a film.

Dan McCoy

[20:18] There are so many, honestly, really fun bad movies of this period that are in this tradition of, like, Italian crews and directors coming to America trying to make a cheap exploitation movie here but not really understanding how to make it feel like it's actually America.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] But anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[20:39] Okay.

[20:40] This—yeah, this is great because we find out that—this is where we find out that Grandpa's a ghost, right?

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Thanks for—thanks for spoiling it, Stu.

[20:47] Oh, God.

[20:48] Yeah.

[20:48] This is where we find out that—yeah, so Grandpa's telling the story and he's saying, Goblins still exist.

[20:54] They still exist.

[20:56] And his mom comes in and goes, Joshua, why are you still awake?

[20:59] And he goes, I was just talking to Grandpa.

[21:01] Grandpa, the rocking chair he was in, is empty and rocking back and forth.

[21:05] His grandfather has left the room.

[21:07] He's been dead for months and Joshua still sees him.

[21:09] And I have to say, the moment when I was—I watched this when I was a kid.

[21:12] There were two moments that really scared me.

[21:14] And this one where it's revealed that Grandpa was a ghost.

[21:16] I was not familiar with movies like this when I was seeing this.

[21:20] And there's something about—it's very eerie the way she's like—he's like, but he's right.

[21:23] And the chair is still moving.

[21:25] Look, watching it now, it's silly.

[21:27] But as a kid, I found it very eerie.

Stuart Wellington

[21:29] I do love the mom's line delivery where she's like, everyone misses Grandpa.

[21:33] Your sister, your dad, and me, his daughter.

Dan McCoy

[21:39] Yeah, that's pretty funny.

[21:40] The dialogue is heavily expository in interesting ways.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Yeah, and you'll notice they pan Josh's room a few times, and he's got a lot of DC and Warner Brothers merchandise in his room.

[21:49] Is that a killing joke poster on the wall?

[21:51] It is a killing joke poster, and he should not be reading the killing joke.

[21:54] He is too young.

Stuart Wellington

[21:55] I was just watching that Alan Moore BBC Maestro course, and he mentions offhandedly that as soon as he wrote the killing joke, he immediately forgot about it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] Well, I'll tell you who didn't forget about it.

[22:07] Josh, the main character of Troll 2.

[22:10] The next day, the whole family, they're leaving for a month's trip in the country.

[22:13] They are doing a house swap with a farm family.

[22:16] They will be farmers for a month, and the dad is so excited about that.

Dan McCoy

[22:20] That's a normal thing, people, too, right?

[22:22] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[22:22] Well, based on the movie The Holiday, yeah.

[22:25] Oh, yeah.

[22:26] What a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:26] I mean, in The Holiday, they swapped houses, but it's not like they swapped professions for the time, right?

[22:32] Like, hey, we've never farmed before.

[22:34] What do we need to know to keep your farm alive while we're there?

[22:36] Don't even bother telling us.

Dan McCoy

[22:37] And you'll come into my house, and you'll be a claims adjuster.

Elliott Kalan

[22:42] Just show up to work and tell everybody you're me.

[22:45] They're going to a town called Nilbog that only has 26 residents.

[22:49] And so, meanwhile, that night, Josh's sister, Holly, she's a real gym rat.

[22:55] She's lifting weights in her teen girl room, which is – it is such a teen girl room in that there's some grown-up stuff in it and some, like, a poster of Mickey and Minnie Mouse, like, canoodling.

[23:05] Like, there's some little kid stuff in it.

[23:06] They did a really good job of furnishing this teen girl room.

[23:10] It seems like someone who has grown up in that room and is now getting older but still has her kids stuff.

[23:14] I'm just going to say, whoever art-directed that room did a fantastic job.

Stuart Wellington

[23:17] It's great.

[23:18] And I love that she's wearing her, like, little workout outfit plus a weight belt.

[23:23] And she is bench-pressing in the middle of her room.

[23:28] No back arch.

[23:29] No nothing.

[23:30] She's just cranking that shit out.

[23:32] She's got to be on the juice.

[23:34] Yeah.

[23:34] I will say, it does make me uncomfortable.

Dan McCoy

[23:36] Like, this movie, like, sexualizes a few of the women in, like, a way that is very weird feeling, including this initial introduction where she's in, like, this very small, like, leotard.

[23:47] And they focus on her sweating where they also keep cutting to stuffed animals around the room, reminding her, you're like, she's really young.

[23:55] She's the young daughter.

[23:56] You know, like, I felt like that was, like, an odd thing in this movie.

[24:00] Well, if you had the right reaction, by the way, Dan.

[24:02] Yeah, I think so.

[24:03] I mean, if you had the right reaction.

[24:04] You got uncomfortable.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] If you're made uncomfortable by that moment of change, that liminal space when a girl becomes a woman, which happens to every woman in their life, then sure, Dan, be uncomfortable by that.

Dan McCoy

[24:14] I'm uncomfortable with the movie sexualizing it.

[24:16] I'm not uncomfortable with it happening in the world.

[24:18] All right.

[24:19] That's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] In Italy, things work a little too.

Dan McCoy

[24:22] Yeah, yeah.

[24:22] Yeah.

[24:23] Of course.

Elliott Kalan

[24:23] And meanwhile, the dad, he can't wait to be a Nilbog and live like their ancestors.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] Storch lives earlier.

[24:28] That's what you're talking about, right?

[24:29] Everyone smokes.

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] So the dad just loves the idea of living like their ancestors.

[24:34] He's so enamored of the idea of being a farmer.

[24:36] But mom is worried about Josh, understandably, since he has been seeing her dead father talking to him.

[24:43] Josh, he gets out of bed.

[24:44] He's scared by a noise.

[24:45] And he goes to the window.

[24:46] It's just a teen boy, Elliot, who's looking for his sister.

[24:49] Elliot is his sister's kind of boyfriend.

[24:53] And they have the funniest relationship, which I'll explain to you.

[24:56] He sneaks in and she's like, my dad hates you.

[24:59] If he knew you were here, he would cut your nuts off.

[25:01] But I like you.

[25:02] And it's so clear that she wants to have sex with him, but only if he stops bringing his friends around.

[25:08] And it is impossible for him to take a moment away from his friends.

[25:13] Even when she is so openly like, I want to take your virginity.

[25:16] I don't want to be a virgin anymore.

[25:17] I don't want you to be a virgin.

[25:18] I want us to have sex, but you have to stop bringing your friends to my house at night.

[25:22] And he's like, sure.

[25:23] And then his friends pop up and they're like, want to get a pizza?

[25:26] We're all getting pizza.

[25:27] And it's like, just spend a night away from your friends.

Dan McCoy

[25:30] Also, then like in the very next part, it's just like, she makes it very clear.

[25:34] She's like, I would love you to come with me on this vacation.

[25:37] You cannot bring your friends.

[25:39] And it's like, got it.

[25:41] No friends.

[25:41] And then the next time we see him, he's in an RV driving up with his friends.

[25:45] And it is very good.

[25:46] What is this relationship?

[25:47] I love this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] I mean, it's like a regular four musketeers here, these four guys.

[25:52] But she's like, come with me on this family trip.

[25:54] We're going to go off into the woods and be alone and have sex.

[25:57] And he's like, but my friends?

[25:58] Can I bring my friends along?

[26:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:00] I think it's a Cyrano thing where he needs to have somebody giving him tips.

[26:04] Oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[26:05] That'd be so funny if Cyrano was not helping out the guy, but he just loved having Cyrano around.

[26:10] And his girlfriend was like, can you stop bringing Cyrano around?

[26:13] Like, I want to do you.

[26:14] And he's like, yeah, but my buddy's hilarious.

[26:18] Anyway, the next morning they leave.

[26:20] Elliot did not show up on time.

[26:22] Not accurate.

[26:23] I'm very punctual.

[26:24] And so they left without him.

Dan McCoy

[26:25] Did we skip over the line from the mom where she's like, tell me about the goblins or something like that?

[26:33] Like, because the kid had this bad story about the goblins.

[26:38] And then she's like, oh, there's no such thing.

[26:40] And then like later on, she just brings it up to her husband as if.

[26:44] Oh, that's right.

[26:44] As if he's the expert.

[26:45] Oh, yeah, that's pretty awesome.

[26:46] Yeah.

[26:46] And then it just cuts.

[26:47] And then it cuts away as if this.

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] And it leads you to believe that this is a secret that the husband is aware of.

[26:52] In the trailer.

[26:53] Or that he's a cryptozoologist or something like that.

[26:56] Tell me about the goblins.

[26:57] And it just, yeah, it just cuts.

[26:58] We don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] I mean, it kind of depends on which goblin cosmology you're using.

[27:02] And like a war hammer, they're like a micro orcs.

[27:05] In D&D, I think they're like troll based.

[27:08] I'm not sure.

[27:08] So this is what you would say.

Elliott Kalan

[27:09] So if your wife sat you down, Stuart, and said, tell me about the goblins.

[27:12] This is what you would start with.

[27:13] We'll be more specific about what goblins you mean.

Stuart Wellington

[27:14] At the end, she would look like the guy who drank from the wrong goblet in Last Crusade.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] Now, drank from the wrong goblet or drank from the wrong goblin?

[27:22] Because you don't want to drink from any goblin, let alone the wrong one.

Stuart Wellington

[27:25] That's true.

[27:26] Especially if they give you some green stuff, which turns out, turns into a plant they can

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] eat.

[27:30] You do not want that.

[27:31] Anyway, Holly, she is very mad that they left without her boyfriend.

[27:34] And the mom is uncomfortable with all the arguing.

[27:36] She goes, she demands that Josh sing.

[27:38] She goes, Josh, sing that song.

[27:39] That song I like so much.

[27:41] And I thought, what is this song going to be?

[27:43] It's Row Your Boat.

[27:44] That's what it is.

Dan McCoy

[27:45] That song I like so much.

[27:48] There's two great, hilarious times that Row, Row, Row Your Boat shows up in the movies.

[27:54] The other one being, of course, at the beginning of Star Trek V, when they're like, oh, let's

[27:59] sing that old classic song.

[28:01] And they sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat, which at least makes a certain amount of sense if we're

[28:08] so far in the future that it's divorced from, I don't know, the fact that it's the most

[28:12] ubiquitous childhood song possible.

[28:15] But this mom demanding, oh, I love hearing that song.

[28:18] And then they immediately try to do it madrigal style and fuck it up right away.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] They do not do it well.

[28:24] Now, this was around the moment.

[28:26] Around.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] That's what I was looking for.

Stuart Wellington

[28:29] You asked me before, but I'd seen this movie, I feel like only once prior at a bad movie night.

[28:35] And watching this again, I was really struck by how this is like the pure good bad movie

[28:42] shit.

[28:42] Like this is the stuff that I'm all, this is the reason why I watch, this is the reason

[28:46] why I do this podcast, guys.

[28:47] This is why you get into it.

[28:49] This is what makes it all worth it.

[28:50] It's like pure uncut bad movie.

[28:53] It rules.

[28:54] Oh, love it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Yeah.

[28:56] And so there's something about sing that song I like so much.

[28:59] It's a public domain song everyone knows.

[29:00] I don't know why she wouldn't name it by, why she can't call it by name.

[29:03] But anyway, it's meanwhile.

[29:05] It's part of the test.

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] She wants to know that her son pays attention to her.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Yes.

[29:09] That makes sense.

[29:10] And meanwhile, Elliot and his friends, they're heading to Nilbog in an RV.

[29:13] He has promised them that there's a lot of loose women in Nilbog.

[29:17] This is based on nothing.

[29:18] And I don't know what his plan is going to be when they get to Nilbog and there's no

[29:22] women.

[29:23] Like he's just lied to his friends.

[29:24] They're going to the middle of nowhere.

[29:26] And it is not helping him because his, I assume his goal is to have sex with his girlfriend.

[29:31] Maybe it's not.

[29:32] I don't know.

[29:32] I don't think so.

[29:33] He gets there.

Dan McCoy

[29:33] He's like, oh man, Nilbog.

[29:35] Oh, I was thinking of LA.

[29:37] I'm sorry, guys.

[29:38] Well, as long as we're here, then.

[29:41] Oh, you mean the bunny ranch isn't in Nilbog?

Stuart Wellington

[29:44] But then he can do that somewhere else.

[29:46] I feel like he's only hanging out with her as a way to like raise his status among his

[29:52] friends.

[29:53] Oh, that's possible.

[29:53] But he actually just wants to spend more time with his buddies.

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] That's possible.

[29:56] I mean, there's nothing wrong with spending time with your buddies.

[29:58] So in the car, Joshua has a nightmare about turning into a plant as his family turns into

[30:02] goblins.

[30:03] And the car passes grandpa.

[30:05] He's standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, stop them.

[30:09] And Joshua goes, stop the car.

[30:10] I have to go.

[30:11] And mom goes, and mother goes, do you have to throw up?

[30:13] And he goes, yeah, I do.

[30:14] And he gets out and runs over to grandpa.

[30:15] And grandpa's like, you have to go back.

[30:17] Get them to go back.

[30:19] And then grandpa turns out to be a filthy hitchhiker who says, so are you going to give me a

[30:22] ride or what?

[30:23] And Joshua goes, oh, and runs back into the car.

[30:27] And I have to assume the rest of the ride was his parents being like, why did you run out

[30:30] to talk to that guy?

[30:32] What are you doing?

Stuart Wellington

[30:33] But this is the forever mind, mom.

[30:35] If your kid wanted to talk to a hitchhiker, would you be like, yeah, this is a good learning

[30:40] moment.

[30:41] Let's do it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Yeah.

[30:42] I mean, I'm just, I'm glad that they're open to hearing the stories of our, of others, our

[30:46] elders, or perhaps the, those less represented in our normal daily life.

[30:51] So I'd be like, yeah, go talk to that hitchhiker, spend a couple of weeks with him.

[30:54] I'll come back.

Dan McCoy

[30:55] It'll inspire your screenplay.

[30:58] In case you want to become a hitchhiker.

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] Consider it an internship.

[31:01] And then you can use the hitchhiking skills you picked up to get back home.

[31:04] This will be a great learning experience.

[31:06] And the, I, the, I feel like this is one of many, this is maybe the first of them.

[31:11] The first of the moments in the movie where grandpa Seth is putting a lot of pressure on

[31:15] Joshua to do something that grandpa Seth could easily do himself, which is warn the

[31:19] rest of the family.

[31:20] Cause who are you going to listen to about goblins?

[31:22] A kid or a ghost?

[31:23] If a ghost tell, it's like if in Hamlet, if, if Hamlet's dad was like, Hey, Hey, tell

[31:29] everybody I'm a ghost and I'm back.

[31:31] They would think he was crazy.

[31:32] And they do.

[31:33] That's what happens in the plot of Hamlet.

[31:35] And Hamlet's dad could easily say to everybody, Hey, Claudius and Gertrude killed me.

[31:40] But instead he puts it all on Hamlet to do it, which is unfair pressure.

Dan McCoy

[31:45] Here's my, what if grandpa can only appear to the kid?

[31:49] Because the kid is the one who killed him.

[31:52] Oh, that's actually a pretty good thing.

[31:53] That's the backstory.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] There's nothing, there's nothing in the movie that fights that interpretation.

[31:57] So no matter what Roger Ebert says, I'm going to go with it.

[32:01] That's my official explanation from now on.

[32:03] Now, was it an accidental death or was it, or was it murder?

Dan McCoy

[32:06] Very premeditated.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] And, and what's his motive?

[32:10] How did he do it?

[32:10] Tell me.

[32:11] He's a master of the flying guillotine.

[32:13] Oh, I didn't realize that Joshua, again, there's nothing in the movie that tells us he's

[32:17] not a master of the flying guillotine.

[32:18] So we have to take that.

[32:20] So, so you're saying he threw a circle of blades at grandpa's head and then yanked it

[32:24] back.

[32:25] That's removing the head.

Dan McCoy

[32:25] Joshua was upset because they were going to move through different town because they didn't

[32:29] have money.

[32:30] And they knew, and he knew that if he bumped off grandpa, his parents would inherit grandpa's

[32:35] money.

[32:35] He could stay in town with his buddy.

[32:36] So he uses flying guillotine powers or guillotine.

[32:40] Sorry.

[32:40] Apologies.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] Thank you.

[32:41] Apologies to the inventor, Dr. Guillotine.

[32:44] Yeah.

[32:44] And Dr. Flying.

Dan McCoy

[32:46] Now they're together forever.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] When Dr. Guillotine and Professor Flying worked together to create the flying guillotine,

[32:51] it revolutionized martial arts movies.

[32:54] Now, Dan, now where did grandpa make his money?

[32:56] Again, there's nothing in the movie that tells us.

[32:58] It can be anything and I'll believe it.

Dan McCoy

[32:59] Well, he was a war profiteer.

[33:01] That's why they don't talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[33:03] That's why he's so quick with that Molotov cocktail.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] Yeah.

[33:07] He's so quick to put it together.

[33:08] He's not so quick in lighting it or throwing it.

[33:10] No.

[33:10] Since a man literally walks up and yanks it out of Joshua's hand.

[33:13] But let's later on.

[33:14] We'll get to that.

[33:15] So, so grandpa Seth, he's referring, so Joshua is his herald on earth and he can, he's the

[33:20] only one he can speak to because again, Joshua murdered him.

[33:22] In a very poorly edited moment, the sister sees Elliot and his friends stranded on the

[33:28] side of the road and gives them the finger.

[33:30] And she must have eagle eyes because they appear to be at least a thousand feet away or longer

[33:35] and there's a hill in between them.

[33:37] And yet it's just edited together Kuleshov experiment style.

[33:40] Did you guys buy this moment?

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] Yeah.

[33:42] I mean, it's very like Baron Munchausen-y where you're like, you're seeing over vast distances.

Dan McCoy

[33:47] Yeah.

[33:48] Yeah.

[33:48] I was just, I mean, I don't remember the cut you're saying.

[33:51] I think because I was just so angry at this guy bringing his buddies along.

[33:56] Oh, you're so angry at Joshua getting away with the murder of his grandmother.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] Yeah.

[34:00] They're like, well, we found a flying guillotine with grandpa's head in it and Joshua's fingerprints

[34:04] were all over it.

[34:05] But as far as we know, Joshua has never studied with the ancient masters of the flying guillotine

[34:10] and Joshua's like, eh, eh, eh, eh.

[34:13] The perfect crime.

[34:14] They never suspect the butterfly.

[34:16] I just have to hope that the one-armed boxer doesn't try to stop me.

[34:20] So the family gets to Nilbog.

[34:22] The town is abandoned.

[34:24] Dad says, well, everyone here is asleep this time of night.

[34:26] It is clearly daytime.

[34:27] The sun is not out.

[34:29] They drive to reveal there's a, and they drive past a bar and it's revealed that a bunch of

[34:34] creepy locals are just staring out the windows at their car going by.

[34:38] But it's good to know there's kind of like a cheers type location in town where everyone

[34:42] feels comfortable to go.

[34:43] They arrive at a creepy farm.

Stuart Wellington

[34:44] That's what I tell my customers to do whenever they're sitting at the bar is to stare at

[34:49] people who drive by.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] In order to entice them to come into the bar.

[34:54] Yeah.

[34:55] So the creepy farm family is there.

[34:58] They are dressed like they stepped right out of a Dorothy Lange photograph.

[35:01] Like it is.

[35:02] They went back in time.

[35:04] They got to go back in time to Nilbog.

[35:06] And the farm family is very quiet and brusque, a little charmless.

[35:11] And Josh notices that they all have scars in the shape of what?

[35:14] A four-leaf clover?

[35:15] Each of them on a different part of their body?

Dan McCoy

[35:17] Yeah.

[35:17] Yeah, yeah.

[35:17] And the dad keeps.

[35:18] Lucky got to them.

[35:19] Yeah.

[35:20] The dad keeps talking to them like, you know, giving an Airbnb style like spiel of like,

[35:25] oh, you know, we got all that.

[35:26] We got, you know, air conditioning.

[35:28] You can do whatever you need.

[35:29] This is great.

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] As the farm family is leaving, he's just calling out to them the names of the different appliances

[35:35] they have in their house.

Dan McCoy

[35:37] Yeah, with no response.

[35:39] No.

[35:39] And he forges ahead.

[35:41] I want to say, look, these are all amateur actors.

[35:45] I'm not going to be too hard on any of them.

[35:48] I'm not going to, you know, speak up too highly in favor of any of the performances per se.

[35:55] They're all enthusiastic.

[35:56] Okay.

[35:56] But I do like, of the performances, I like the dad the best.

[36:01] He has so much energy.

[36:02] He has so much energy.

[36:03] He has like a certain charisma.

[36:04] There's something about him that like really like actually pops a bit on screen.

[36:08] And I think if you watch the best worst movie thing, like he was just a dentist.

[36:15] I would say just a dentist.

[36:16] I say.

[36:17] Yeah, he has to go to a lot of school for that too.

[36:19] I say that in that he was not.

[36:20] He's the scum of the earth.

[36:21] Just a dentist.

[36:21] He was not an actor.

[36:23] He was a dentist.

[36:25] And.

[36:25] Just a dentist.

[36:28] The just is only in relationship to his acting.

Elliott Kalan

[36:31] No, the hierarchy of jobs goes number one, actor.

[36:34] Number two, president of the United States.

[36:37] Number three, dental hygienist.

[36:38] He had no experience.

[36:39] Number four, dentist.

Dan McCoy

[36:41] In the acting region, at least movie wise, he was a dentist.

[36:45] He did this movie.

[36:47] He seemed in the documentary to be the one a little like hurt the most by like, you know,

[36:52] hoping he might have like a bigger career or whatever.

[36:56] And, but then by the end, I think, you know, he seems to like sort of come to terms and

[37:00] be like happy about the, the attention the movie's got.

[37:03] And if you look, he's done, you know, some work.

[37:06] Not like a lot of work, but like he's been acting.

[37:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:09] I mean, he hasn't, he wasn't Becker on the show Becker for six seasons.

[37:13] No, no, no.

[37:13] But he seems to.

[37:14] No.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] You know, had a little bit of a happy ending in terms of like getting to do more, which

[37:18] he seemed to want to.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] He lobbied hard to be the new voice of Dr. Teeth from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

[37:24] And he's like, I am a doctor of teeth.

[37:26] I'm a tooth doctor.

[37:27] I'm Dr. Teeth.

[37:28] And they were like, okay, give us your best line reading.

[37:31] Aurora Borealis, shining down in Dallas.

[37:33] And they're like, sorry, it's not, it's not close enough.

[37:36] We apologize.

[37:37] We's like, well, I thought there may be something new for Dr. Teeth.

[37:39] Maybe he doesn't have to sound like Jim Henson and Rolf and the other Jim Henson

[37:42] characters all the time.

[37:43] And they said, no, we really want to stick on model with Dr. Teeth.

[37:46] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[37:48] Burning the late Jim Henson.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] No, he's great.

[37:51] Like all of them, their voices all kind of sound a little similar because it's the same

[37:55] person, you know, the same way Miss Piggy is clearly Yoda in drag.

[37:58] We can all admit that now.

[37:59] It's okay.

[38:00] No, it's true.

[38:00] No judgment.

Stuart Wellington

[38:01] Welcome to the Comedy Central roast of Jim Henson.

[38:04] And Frank Oz.

[38:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] It was the roast of Jim Henson and Friends.

[38:07] Oh, and now it's time for the roast of Garfield and Friends.

[38:10] U.S.

[38:10] Acres.

[38:10] More like U.S.

[38:11] Who cares?

[38:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:16] Here's an inconvenient truth.

[38:17] No kid who was watching this show realized that this was based on a comic strip.

[38:23] Just like, why is Garfield being interrupted for these losers?

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] Take that, Jim Davis.

[38:28] Jim Davis.

[38:29] It's more like Jim save this trash.

[38:34] All right.

[38:35] So that was the, you'll see those Comedy Central roasts never.

[38:37] So they get to the farm and as the farm family is leaving, the son throws a baseball to Joshua

[38:46] on which is written in green ooze, eat before we eat you, which seems like a good warning.

[38:52] Let's not stay at this house.

[38:54] Yeah.

[38:54] The goblins are not doing a great job of hiding their ulterior motive of eating them.

[39:00] In the house, they find a table.

Stuart Wellington

[39:02] I do like that the goblins go all the way through with this plan though.

[39:05] They're like, okay, I guess we're going to go to their house and check out their appliances.

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] Okay, man.

[39:11] Well, as we see later in the film, they either don't or they went and they checked them out

[39:15] and then they came back.

[39:16] So we see that farm family again.

[39:18] But they find, what I like is they're like the Riddler or Arcade.

[39:22] They're like, there has to be a little chance that they can escape.

[39:25] So let's warn them of our plan.

[39:27] But we'll only warn Joshua or perhaps Grandpa Seth has been like, goblins, this is going

[39:31] to be hilarious.

[39:33] Tell Joshua the plan.

[39:34] No one's going to listen to it.

Dan McCoy

[39:37] Yeah.

[39:37] This is just like a team up between the two of them being like, this kid is not equipped

[39:42] to deal with this.

[39:44] I mean, no blame.

[39:46] He's a kid.

[39:47] He's a kid.

[39:48] It's going to be so funny.

[39:49] Not even a particularly smart kid.

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] He is in a real bind.

[39:52] It's like when God said to Jonah, Jonah, this is going to be hilarious.

[39:56] Go to Nineveh and tell them they're sinful.

[39:58] And he's like, what?

[39:59] They're not going to listen to me.

[40:00] Go do it.

[40:01] And if you try not to do it, I'm going to have a fish eat you.

Dan McCoy

[40:05] You should have seen your face when that fish ate you.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] You couldn't see it.

[40:10] It was dark inside that fish.

[40:11] Anyway, so they go in the house.

[40:13] I'm enjoying this so much.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] What is this, the fucking VeggieTales?

[40:17] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] It's like VeggieTales and Punk'd got put together.

Stuart Wellington

[40:23] It's like Jonah and fucking Cucumber.

[40:27] Somebody's going to write it incorrectly.

[40:28] That's Stuart's biblical knowledge.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] Which was the cucumber?

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:33] He walks into church.

[40:34] What is this?

[40:35] Show me the cucumber.

Elliott Kalan

[40:37] Which, don't tell me that story about the fish that eats a cucumber.

[40:40] Because it's like, why not?

[40:42] It's a cucumber.

[40:43] I'm not impressed.

[40:44] It doesn't need to be that big a fish.

[40:46] Yeah.

[40:47] And now imagine all the people who went to see the Tim Burton film Big Fish

[40:50] thinking it was the story of Jonah.

[40:51] And they were so disappointed.

[40:53] And they said, show me the cucumber.

Stuart Wellington

[40:57] Please leave the theater.

[40:59] I feel like you need a pretty big fish to eat a whole cucumber, right?

Elliott Kalan

[41:02] Yeah, but it doesn't have to be like a whale-sized fish.

[41:05] Yeah.

[41:06] Yeah.

[41:06] I don't know, man.

[41:07] Certainly a minnow can't eat a whole cucumber unless you give him a lot of time.

[41:10] Maybe he doesn't swallow it.

[41:12] Maybe he eats it a little bit at a time.

Stuart Wellington

[41:13] Yeah, piranhas do that thing, right?

[41:14] Right.

[41:15] Or what about the fish that swims up your wiener?

[41:19] Oh, the penis rana?

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] Or the Archimedes fish that said, give me a lever and a place to stand and I can eat that whole cucumber.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] That's what that said.

[41:29] Is that Aristotle?

[41:29] No, that was Archimedes.

[41:31] Yeah.

[41:31] That was Archimedes.

[41:32] Archimedes, yeah.

[41:33] Yeah.

[41:33] You have to imagine that fish that swims up people's wieners.

[41:36] Star of the dial of justice.

[41:37] He does it and then he's like, where am I?

[41:39] Did I do it again?

[41:40] Did I accidentally swim up a stream of being into someone's wiener?

[41:43] Yeah, yeah.

[41:43] Well, I guess I'll just put my spikes out and become a parasite.

[41:46] Anyway.

[41:47] So in that side of the house, they find a house laden with food and the grandpa is like, Joshua, don't let them eat it.

[41:52] He's knocking on windows.

[41:54] He's a ghost who has to like stand outside, which I think is also very funny.

Dan McCoy

[41:57] And the family is so excited about this food, which does not look good.

[42:01] It's a farm feast.

[42:02] It's like a collection of indifferently green frosted baked goods, I think is basically what it is.

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] But they have been in a long car ride, so their stomach is really primed for heavy pastries.

Dan McCoy

[42:16] Yeah.

[42:17] Hand me that biscuit with a bunch of frosting on top of it, they say.

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:22] Because since my tummy is in its peak situation after sitting in the backseat of a car, a hot car for hours.

[42:30] So grandpa's like, Joshua, stop them from eating it or they'll be doomed.

[42:33] And Joshua's like, I need your help.

[42:35] And grandpa goes, I can't stop them myself.

[42:37] All I can do is stop all time for 30 seconds for everyone except you.

[42:42] I can only use my godlike power to give you 30 seconds to think of a way to do it.

[42:46] I can't say use my power to disappear the food or anything like that.

Dan McCoy

[42:51] And he's like, he's giving them, he's giving Joshua a puzzler here.

[42:57] He's giving him a little brink teaser.

[42:59] Oh, yeah.

[42:59] I have 30 seconds.

[43:02] How are you going to keep them from eating the food?

[43:04] Now, the solution he comes up with.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] Well, before we get to the solution, I just want to say this is similar.

[43:09] Again, I don't want to bring cucumbers back up.

[43:10] But it is like, I hate to go back to that Jonah story because, you know what, it's late to give notes.

[43:15] The story is thousands of years old.

[43:16] God, instead of, this is like that caterpillar thing.

[43:19] God, instead of going to Jonah and telling him to tell Nineveh, why didn't you just tell Nineveh?

[43:23] Do the work, dude.

[43:24] Were you busy?

[43:25] I don't think so.

[43:26] This is caterpillars all over again.

[43:28] Skip the step.

[43:28] Anyway, cut out the middleman, who in this case is Jonah.

[43:31] Anyway, so Josh walks around as everyone sits there frozen in place but not doing a great job of staying frozen in place.

[43:38] So does he just tip over the table or something?

Dan McCoy

[43:41] Well, would you do the thing he comes up with?

[43:45] Would that be one of the first?

[43:47] No, I would get stage fright.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] I would say, first thing I would do is take the food off the table really quickly.

[43:54] But instead, Dan, what does he do?

[43:55] What is his solution?

Dan McCoy

[43:56] Yeah, he pees all over the food, which we don't see that happening.

[44:01] It's a clever, it's a pretty clever cut.

[44:02] We see him standing on the table about to unzip, hard cut to food being thrown away.

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] And hard cut to the food being thrown away and him being taken up to his room.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] And his mom's being like, don't beat him to death, Michael.

[44:14] And he's like, no promises.

Elliott Kalan

[44:16] Yeah.

[44:17] That's what farmers do.

[44:18] Some of the food is already in his family's hands.

[44:21] And almost in their mouths.

[44:23] Yes.

[44:23] So is he just spraying urine all over their faces and hands?

[44:26] That is a question.

[44:27] Or is he that good?

[44:27] Is he that good with his aim?

Dan McCoy

[44:29] The daughter was about to, like, she had a corncob up with some green butter spread all over it.

[44:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:37] You would have to have some pretty good aim.

[44:38] That's what we call Amish butter, by the way.

[44:41] Oh, is it really?

[44:41] Green butter?

[44:42] Oh, because.

[44:43] I feel like he's, yeah.

[44:45] Because the Amish understood the secret of the ooze.

Dan McCoy

[44:46] The valley of the jolly, ho, ho, ho, green butter.

[44:49] Sorry.

[44:50] The secret of the ooze.

[44:51] I covered up a perfectly good secret of the ooze joke.

[44:53] No, no.

[44:53] When it comes to pop culture.

[44:54] I mean, it's not really a joke.

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] Just a reference.

[44:55] No.

[44:56] When it comes to pop culture references that our audience is really in their wheelhouse,

[45:00] Ninja Turtles 2 is not at the same level as the old jingle for the green giant.

Dan McCoy

[45:05] And, you know, I think probably it was mostly in my head from its use in a Fireside Theater album.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Also, I mean, as much as I love them.

[45:14] Again, not quite in our wheelhouse.

[45:15] Really?

[45:16] At the forefront.

[45:17] Yeah.

[45:17] For new listeners, we tend to operate in mostly an 80s and 90s culture context.

[45:22] But if you want to bring, you know what?

[45:24] I want my MAPO.

[45:25] Why don't we bring in that stuff?

[45:26] It's not Quisk.

[45:27] It's Quake.

Dan McCoy

[45:28] If you're, you know, an aging Gen Xer or elder millennial.

[45:35] Yeah.

[45:35] This show's, you know, going to be great for you.

[45:38] If you're younger than that.

[45:39] We have a lot of younger listeners.

[45:41] I can only assume that this is some sort of anthropological study that they're all doing.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] Like, what references do these old men find?

[45:47] I need to connect with Grandpa.

[45:48] What can I do?

[45:49] Amusing or...

[45:50] And they come away thinking that, like, Denver, the last dinosaur was a huge hit show.

[45:54] You know?

[45:55] Everyone's talking about it.

[45:58] And so he pees on the food.

[45:59] Dad angrily yells at Josh about how you can't pee on hospitality.

[46:02] And he starts removing his belt.

[46:04] And it turns out, no, he's tightening it so he doesn't feel hunger pains.

[46:07] And he has a moment here...

Dan McCoy

[46:08] That's a good bit.

Elliott Kalan

[46:09] And he goes, I'm tightening it so I don't feel hunger pains.

[46:13] But he says, he says something, I've been hungry.

[46:15] You don't know what it's like.

[46:16] And suddenly I feel like we get a real look into the past of this dad.

[46:19] He didn't grow up with money.

[46:20] And so to see his son pee all over food, to him, is really a real outrage.

[46:25] And so it's a little moment of backstory or hinted backstory.

[46:29] And obviously Dan loves backstory.

[46:31] He wished that the dad would just talk about where he grew up, what his parents did for a living, how hard it was.

[46:37] New listeners need to know Dan loves backstory.

[46:39] He always wants to hear backstory.

[46:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:40] He was hoping for the scene where Grandpa Seth's like, well, the origins of goblins come from...

[46:46] These are all lies that are being told about me.

[46:49] And there's a druid priestess with a weird name.

[46:52] A lot of lies.

[46:52] I mean, we will hear that.

[46:53] We'll see that.

Elliott Kalan

[46:54] And so Josh looks around his room, which is decorated with, I think they're Hildebrandt Brothers,

[46:58] paintings of trolls and goblins from fantasy stories.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] So that's like the C-grade Brian Froud, right?

Elliott Kalan

[47:06] I mean, I would say more like a lateral Boris Vallejo in some ways.

[47:12] I mean, where Boris Vallejo does a lot of muscle men, the Hildebrandt Brothers do a lot of kind of rounder, cuter fantasy characters.

Stuart Wellington

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:21] Boris Vallejo does, man, he does cheeks better than anyone.

[47:25] That is true.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Nobody paints cheeks the way he does.

Dan McCoy

[47:28] Did you know that the baby in Labyrinth was Brian Froud's kid?

[47:31] Yeah.

[47:31] And I think he grew up to be a puppeteer.

Elliott Kalan

[47:34] That's cool.

[47:35] That's fantastic.

[47:36] Yeah.

[47:36] Anyway, so...

Dan McCoy

[47:36] Like the fantastic artwork of Brian Froud.

[47:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:40] Or you know what?

[47:40] I would say the Hildebrandt Brothers, maybe they're kind of like slightly above Joe Jusko,

[47:44] who did the Marvel Masterpieces card series years ago.

[47:48] So again, this is the kind of reference you're going to have to understand if you listen to this podcast, new listeners.

[47:53] You're going to hear a lot about fantasy and science fiction painters of the 1990s.

[47:56] I will say we haven't even talked about Wayne Barlow, my favorite of all those painters.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] We can't.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] We don't have time to get into Wayne Barlow.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] Not because we would annoy the listeners, but because this is a sweat box that Stuart and I are in.

[48:08] Oh, I forgot that you don't have air conditioning.

Elliott Kalan

[48:10] Here I am in my luxurious air-conditioned in-law's house.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] Stu's having a schvitz, but I'm going crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] So meanwhile in the RV, Elliot and his friends are doing what they will do through much of the movie,

[48:19] watching the weirdest fucking television shows on TV.

[48:23] And I need to know, were those made for this movie?

[48:25] Or are those existing shows?

[48:27] Because they are bonkers, the little snippets of television that we get to see.

Stuart Wellington

[48:30] And not Baby Billy's Bible bonkers as featured in this season of Righteous Gemstones.

[48:35] Or the cartoon bonkers.

Dan McCoy

[48:37] Uh-huh.

[48:38] The kind of Roger Rabbit style.

[48:38] Or Bonk's Adventure is the video game.

[48:40] Or the candy bonkers, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:43] No, it is just, it is the strangest local access children's level stuff.

[48:48] And I want to know what it is.

[48:50] But Arnold, when their friends just, friends Arnold just immediately goes, I'm tired of this.

[48:54] Where are the horny girls?

[48:55] He basically says.

[48:56] And goes outside.

[48:57] A girl runs by, her clothes torn.

[48:59] She's clearly in distress.

[49:00] He runs after her.

[49:01] She's being chased by goblins.

[49:03] He jumps on her at one point and is like, hey, what's going on?

[49:06] And she's like, goblins, goblins.

[49:08] And I thought for a while that this was a trap.

[49:10] But it's not.

[49:10] He, the goblins show up.

[49:12] He threatens them.

[49:13] He's like, watch the way I do this.

[49:14] And they are, even if they're just regular people, there's a lot of them and they seem scary.

[49:19] And he's like.

Dan McCoy

[49:19] I mean, I understand from the attitude of like, let's imagine that in real life, these goblins outfits look exactly as they do to us.

[49:30] Well, they would look fake.

Elliott Kalan

[49:31] But even if she's being.

Dan McCoy

[49:32] Like a bunch of children in masks.

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] Even if she's being chased by a bunch of children in masks, I would still be a little scared.

[49:37] Especially when one of them, then one of them hurls, he goes, okay.

[49:41] And he just hurls a spear into Arnold's chest.

[49:44] And this is one of the moments you see on, there are two moments this guy has that you would see as gifts a lot.

[49:49] This one where the spear just goes into his chest and he just goes, ah!

[49:54] Just staring at his face.

[49:56] And then later on, his immortal line, they're going, they're eating her.

Dan McCoy

[49:59] And then they're going to eat me.

[50:00] Oh my God!

Elliott Kalan

[50:02] Which happens later.

[50:03] So we'll get to that one.

[50:05] They run into, the spear stabbing doesn't hurt him too much.

[50:07] They run into a house that has kind of like a dungeon lab in it.

[50:10] And it is overseen by my favorite character in the movie.

[50:14] Yeah, what a performance.

[50:14] A character that, her performance is great.

[50:16] Aside from her weird gross teeth, I find her genuinely attractive in a way that weirds me out a little bit.

[50:22] That I'm so aroused by this weird lady.

Stuart Wellington

[50:25] Yeah, you're like, why are her lips so chapped?

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] Well, aside from the chapped lips and the teeth.

[50:30] Oh, I thought that was part of the appeal.

[50:31] It's the fact that she looks like a crazy, creepy librarian.

[50:34] Which really is my type, you know.

Dan McCoy

[50:36] That's a thing.

[50:37] She's got this like metallic sheen on her teeth.

[50:40] And I have to admit, you know, like back in the days I was watching this.

[50:44] The days I was watching this.

[50:46] Like it happened all the time.

[50:46] Back in the days.

[50:47] Yeah, back in the days.

Stuart Wellington

[50:48] John Mellencamp, write us up a ditty, please.

Dan McCoy

[50:50] It's been a long time since I've seen Troll 2.

[50:53] Although I, you know, was someone who would screen it as a bad movie.

[50:56] But like, back in the day, I think I was watching on a low resolution enough television that I was like.

Elliott Kalan

[51:02] You couldn't see the teeth and the chapped lips.

[51:04] I was like, are she wearing braces?

Dan McCoy

[51:07] Is that like Druid Witch wearing braces?

Stuart Wellington

[51:10] It's tough.

[51:11] I mean, we were watching it this time through the streaming high def of Tubi.

[51:18] The magic of Tubi.

Elliott Kalan

[51:19] Perhaps the best streaming service there is.

[51:22] Oh, so much stuff.

[51:23] But so it does look like she just has braces at first.

[51:25] So at first she just seems like a goth librarian with braces.

[51:28] And I'm like, yeah, finally, finally, a heartthrob for me.

[51:32] Seeing as my wife is a librarian, she doesn't have braces.

Stuart Wellington

[51:35] Yeah, you already started packing up a bag to go move to Nilbock.

Dan McCoy

[51:39] I hear there's a bunch of hot ladies there.

[51:41] This teenage kid told me.

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] Yeah.

[51:44] And so she takes a lot of time with this incredibly over-the-top performance that I really love.

[51:50] She has the worst fake accent.

[51:52] She is so melodramatic.

[51:54] She might be, it's like she's in a silent movie.

[51:57] Her actions are so big.

[51:58] That she is the queen of the goblins.

[52:00] She's Credence Leonora Gildgood.

[52:03] Or Gilgild?

[52:04] Gilgild?

[52:05] Gilgild.

[52:06] Gilgild.

[52:06] And she's a descendant of Stonehenge Druids.

[52:09] She makes that very clear.

[52:11] And she gives them a healing broth to drink, which is obviously something you shouldn't drink.

[52:17] But she just keeps saying, have your broth.

[52:19] Have your broth.

[52:20] It's goblin transformation poison.

[52:22] Sap starts flowing from the girl's forehead.

[52:24] Arnold just stands there eating his broth, watching this,

[52:27] until she transforms into a plant.

[52:29] And it becomes, as Credence says, one with the vegetable world.

[52:32] And it's food for the goblins.

[52:34] And they run in and eat her, leading again, as I said, to that immortal line.

[52:37] They're eating her.

[52:38] And then they're going to eat me.

[52:39] Oh my god!

[52:42] And cut to that night.

[52:45] Holly practices a dance routine in her room in front of her mirror.

[52:48] Again, I love this dance routine.

[52:49] It starts with her holding her curved fingers in front of her eyes like goggles.

[52:54] It's an amazing move to start a dance routine with.

Dan McCoy

[52:56] Nomi Malone seeing Crystal, Gina Gershon, for the first time.

[53:01] Yeah.

[53:01] And doing those little hands in front of her face that she does.

Elliott Kalan

[53:04] That like, wah-wah, like that.

[53:06] Yeah.

[53:07] And she, it's just, it's a great dance routine.

[53:10] And again, I totally believe this teenage girl character in scenes like this.

[53:16] This is the kind of stuff I assume teen girls are doing all the time.

[53:18] In her oversized Garfield shirt that she's going to sleep in, doing a dance routine.

[53:23] But then her grandpa appears in the mirror and startles her.

[53:27] And, because he's looking for Josh, but he got the wrong room.

[53:30] Josh agrees to switch rooms with her.

Dan McCoy

[53:32] Oh, sorry.

[53:32] Wrong number.

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] And grandpa's like, I got the wrong room.

[53:35] It's a new house.

[53:36] What's that?

Dan McCoy

[53:36] Demolition Man?

[53:37] Yeah.

[53:38] Cool.

Elliott Kalan

[53:38] Yeah.

[53:39] Or the movie Sorry, Wrong Number, which is not, doesn't apply to this situation.

Dan McCoy

[53:42] Kind of like Demolition Man.

[53:44] Yeah.

[53:45] Yeah.

[53:45] It's like the Demolition Man of its day.

[53:47] Sorry, Wrong Number.

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] Also stars Wesley Snipes.

[53:48] It was advertised as the Demolition Man of its day.

[53:51] But you have to wait 50 years for that to make sense.

Dan McCoy

[53:54] And then as people were waiting for so long and then Demolition Man came out and they're

[53:59] like, what?

[54:00] You're not like at all.

[54:01] It's not like that movie at all.

[54:02] And then Ashton Kutcher jumped out from behind a car and he's like, punked.

[54:07] And they're like, wait, you weren't even born when, I don't understand how any of this

[54:11] was set up.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] Punked, old man.

[54:13] Now go to Nineveh and tell them they're being sinful.

[54:15] You're a cucumber.

[54:16] And they're like, what?

[54:17] How did I?

[54:17] I became a cucumber.

[54:19] Ashton Kutcher, you have a biblical power of transfiguration.

[54:22] I do.

Stuart Wellington

[54:23] That's why anytime somebody tries, anytime somebody uses AI to recreate biblical descriptions of

[54:29] angels, it just looks like Ashton Kutcher every time.

Elliott Kalan

[54:32] Yeah.

[54:33] Punking someone.

[54:34] So grandpa is like, hey, Josh, you got to get everybody to leave.

[54:38] I can't do it because your parents never take my advice.

[54:41] I told your mom not to marry your dad because I hate him and she didn't do that.

[54:44] So I'm not even going to bother anymore.

[54:46] And again, this is, I love, this is so funny.

[54:49] I love the backstory.

[54:51] It's so funny to me that the grandpa is like, I know that now I'm a ghost and I'm trying

[54:55] to save their lives, but they wouldn't take my advice when I was alive so they can go

[54:58] to hell.

[54:59] I'm not even going to bother to talk to them.

Dan McCoy

[55:01] Well, also, I'm totally, I have no problem.

[55:04] Now that I'm dead, I will bad mouth your dad straight to your face.

[55:07] Right to you.

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] I mean, that's a very, I don't know, this is something my grandparents had no compunctions

[55:12] about.

Stuart Wellington

[55:13] I don't want to play with ethnic stereotypes, but Seth does sound like a Jewish grandpa name.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] It's very possible.

[55:21] I mean, okay, well, you know what?

[55:22] The mom doesn't seem Jewish, but it's very possible that the mom is Jewish, the dad is

[55:26] not.

[55:26] This is a cross-cultural thing.

[55:28] And that grandpa was like, you're a goy, a Gentile.

[55:32] Oh, no, no, no.

[55:32] What a chander.

[55:33] As long as we're making up backstory.

[55:35] Backstory.

[55:36] They got married.

[55:37] Grandpa Seth immediately said the mourner's Kaddish because his daughter was dead to him.

[55:43] You're right, the names.

[55:44] And of course, Judaism has a rich folklore of goblins, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[55:48] What a great Flophouse book project.

[55:51] If, look, if there's a literary agent out there that can sell this, we, the Flophouse, novelize

[55:58] Troll 2.

[55:59] Oh, yeah.

[56:00] And we try and make it all make sense.

[56:02] We fill in the backstory.

[56:03] With our elaborate backstories.

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] I feel like while watching this, I'm like, I feel like if Ari Aster had made his own

[56:09] A24 version of Troll 2, it wouldn't necessarily be better than this.

[56:14] But it would be, it probably would be a little more Jewish at times.

Elliott Kalan

[56:16] And I will say, guys, I know there's goblins in Judaism because the book, Herschel and the

[56:21] Hanukkah Goblins, my favorite Hanukkah book, because it's about Hanukkah and it's scary

[56:25] and the art is gorgeous.

[56:26] So you know what?

[56:27] Let's do it, guys.

[56:28] Let's make a Jewish goblin movie.

[56:29] Let's do it.

[56:30] Let's.

[56:30] And finally, we'll, the fact that Jews have been stereotyped as goblins, JK Rowling.

[56:35] We can finally own that by making, you know what?

[56:38] We're going to do it.

[56:38] Guys, we're going to change the way people think about Jews and goblins.

[56:41] In my new movie, Troll 3, there's trolls now?

[56:47] Troll 3, no, so there's trolls?

[56:49] You know?

Dan McCoy

[56:51] Okay.

[56:51] I mean, I kind of zoned out for a second, so I didn't think that we agreed to this, but

[56:54] apparently we did.

[56:56] We already signed up.

Elliott Kalan

[56:57] We're making it, we're making that Jewish novelization of Troll 2.

Stuart Wellington

[57:01] Well, Elliot sent over the email that has the DocuSign and you just lazily scrolled.

Dan McCoy

[57:06] You didn't even look at it.

Dan McCoy

[57:07] Everything that people put in front of me.

[57:09] I've got so many wheelings and dealings.

[57:11] Yeah, you're a business boy.

[57:13] Put a piece of paper in front of me.

[57:14] Dan McCoy, business boy.

Stuart Wellington

[57:21] That's where you record most of the podcast, laying back on a couch with sunglasses on.

[57:28] And you mainly are just listing the various cars you own.

Dan McCoy

[57:32] I am, of course, in a robe from a hotel, even though I'm in my own home.

[57:38] Yeah, a hotel robe.

[57:38] And I'm somehow, again, eating room service, even though I'm in my own home.

Stuart Wellington

[57:43] That's how you made so much money in business, is by not paying for your own clothes.

[57:47] Instead, you steal them from hotels.

Dan McCoy

[57:49] That was the secret.

[57:50] Not paying for a hotel room, but just getting all the amenities.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] All the, just sneaking into the hotel room, stealing the robe and all the Toblerones,

[57:56] and then leaving the bill for whoever was actually staying in that room.

[58:00] Yeah.

[58:01] You're like a regular Miami Blues or whatever, just a con man sneaking into places.

[58:07] Talented Mr. Ripley.

[58:09] The less talented Mr. Ripley, it was called.

[58:12] He couldn't con people, but he could sneak into hotel rooms.

Dan McCoy

[58:16] The adequate Mr. Ripley.

Elliott Kalan

[58:19] The more talented than you, technically, Mr. Ripley.

[58:23] So, talented but not professional Mr. Ripley.

[58:26] That's what he was originally called.

[58:28] Yeah.

[58:28] And it was like, you go to his house and he plays piano, and you're like, you're really good.

[58:32] Like, you're not, I wouldn't pay to see you play, but like, you're really good for someone

[58:35] who's technically just a dentist, it's Dan McCoy would say.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] Yeah, you are local, regional Mr. Ripley.

[58:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] Public access Mr. Ripley.

[58:44] Touring Mr. Ripley.

[58:47] Plays in church basements Mr. Ripley in old folks' homes.

[58:50] Okay.

[58:51] So, Grandpa's like, Josh, they never take my advice.

[58:54] You got to get them out of here.

[58:55] The next morning, Elliot's friends foolishly left without bringing any food with them.

[58:59] They have no supplies.

[59:01] So, one of their-

[59:02] I mean, that actually tracks, honestly.

[59:04] Yeah.

[59:04] One of the friends whose name, I can't, it comes up later.

[59:08] It's like Gus or something.

[59:09] He has to run through the woods to go shopping for supplies.

Stuart Wellington

[59:12] I will say that aside from Arthur, the guy with the glasses-

[59:16] Arnold.

[59:16] All the, Arnold, these guys all look alike.

[59:19] I feel like the perfect friend group.

[59:20] You need like one big guy, you need a little guy, you have a guy with glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] They should have mixed it up.

[59:26] That's all I'm saying.

[59:26] Yeah, they should.

[59:27] I agree.

[59:28] And so, and the dad noticed at the farmhouse, there's no food except old

[59:32] gross milk that's been there for weeks.

[59:34] So, Josh and dad leave to also get groceries.

[59:36] Are they going to run into each other, these characters?

[59:38] We'll see.

[59:39] The friend gets a lift.

Stuart Wellington

[59:40] What about all the piss-soaked food in the garbage?

Elliott Kalan

[59:44] I think they decided that-

Stuart Wellington

[59:46] You're suggesting they eat it?

[59:47] I mean, if you're really hungry.

Elliott Kalan

[59:50] They've not yet gotten to the point where they're going to eat the pissed-on garbage

[59:53] food.

[59:53] Okay.

[59:54] Because they do believe there's a general store.

Dan McCoy

[59:55] Yeah.

[59:56] For the most part, it is sterile.

[59:57] But there are, you know, it's not, that's for the most part.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:01] Yeah.

[1:00:01] I mean, I don't know what Josh's cleanliness ritual is.

[1:00:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:04] Previous claims that urine is entirely sterile.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:09] So, if I step on a jellyfish-

Dan McCoy

[1:00:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:12] Then you're going to break your mother's back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] Okay.

[1:00:14] That makes a lot of sense, actually.

[1:00:15] One of two reasons not to do it.

[1:00:17] The other being that the jellyfish doesn't enjoy it either.

[1:00:20] Unless the jellyfish is paying you to step on a jellyfish.

[1:00:23] Well, you never bring that up.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:24] What kind of shoe is Stuart wearing?

[1:00:25] That's true.

[1:00:26] Good point.

[1:00:27] Good point.

[1:00:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] Only red bottoms, baby.

[1:00:30] So, the friend gets a lift into town from the local sheriff who gives him a roll to eat.

[1:00:36] It's wrapped in plastic.

[1:00:37] So, he figures it's okay.

[1:00:37] Or maybe it's a sandwich.

[1:00:38] I couldn't tell.

[1:00:40] Then the friend goes to the creepy general store where the creepy general store keeper only has milk on sale.

[1:00:45] Only Nilbog brand milk.

[1:00:46] Nothing else.

[1:00:47] And he's like, he goes, I thought maybe you could have some meat.

[1:00:51] Meat!

[1:00:52] Ugh!

[1:00:53] He's disgusted by the very idea.

[1:00:55] And he gives him some milk for free.

[1:00:58] And the friend is already stumbling away in a daze.

[1:01:00] Well, he also-

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:01] It's like if you go into 11 Madison Park.

[1:01:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] And Dan, tell me, tell us a little more about this store keeper.

[1:01:06] Because what I learned after the fact was this store keeper was an inmate from a local sanitarium who had a day passed for the day.

[1:01:13] And was not necessarily acting.

[1:01:16] Was also stoned.

[1:01:16] And was stoned at the time.

[1:01:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:17] Yes.

[1:01:18] No, I read that as well.

[1:01:20] No, he's-

[1:01:22] I mean, I think if you hear that story and you imagine a man, you've imagined the exact correct man for the scenario.

[1:01:31] I do think it's funny that he's like, ugh, meat, ugh.

[1:01:34] And he's like, we're all-

[1:01:35] Everyone in Nilbog's a vegetarian.

[1:01:36] Which, like, I know that this other-

[1:01:38] This kid is in the process of changing into vegetable matter.

[1:01:42] But-

[1:01:43] Like a swamp thing.

[1:01:43] I feel like still that raises a lot of questions where you're like, okay, is this-

[1:01:47] Was this a planned community then?

[1:01:49] Is this like our-

[1:01:50] You know, is this like-

[1:01:51] Some sort of organization?

[1:01:54] Well, how is it true that everyone in town is a vegetarian?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:56] I mean, it's possible that-

[1:01:57] It's possible that the vegetarian-

[1:01:59] I mean, because they're all goblins.

[1:02:00] That's why.

[1:02:00] But is it possible-

[1:02:01] It's possible-

[1:02:01] No, I know, Elia.

[1:02:03] That's the viewer.

[1:02:04] I'm just saying.

[1:02:05] It's possible this was one of the many towns in America that were started as kind of like

[1:02:08] vegetarian, utopian communities in the 19th century.

[1:02:12] Eventually, they became a lot of angry-

[1:02:14] Anger about sex and who wasn't sleeping with who and who was sleeping with who.

[1:02:18] And then they became regular towns.

[1:02:20] But it could be one of those.

[1:02:21] One of those kind of like free-living, free-loving vegetarian communities.

[1:02:25] Like a road to Wellville type thing.

[1:02:27] Exactly.

[1:02:28] Or like an Oneida or something like that.

[1:02:30] You know.

[1:02:30] And then the goblins came in and took over the town.

[1:02:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:34] Again, this is all grist for our book.

[1:02:37] Get in touch with us for the-

[1:02:39] For the whole book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] Or I mean, I feel like this would be hot from those-

Dan McCoy

[1:02:41] I mean, you'll also have to buy the rights to Trolls 2.

[1:02:44] That's the one book.

[1:02:45] No, you don't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:45] As long as you buy a book with the storyboards for Troll 2, you can just make it into whatever

[1:02:51] you want.

[1:02:51] I learned that from that Dune book.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:52] Oh, that makes sense, actually.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

[1:02:55] That's why Dune 2 is owned by those guys.

[1:02:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:59] That's why it's produced and directed by-

[1:03:00] It just says credits.

[1:03:02] The guys.

[1:03:03] You know.

[1:03:04] And so-

[1:03:05] But here's the thing.

[1:03:06] We don't have to write Troll 2.

[1:03:07] As long as-

[1:03:07] What we're really writing in our-

[1:03:09] Is kind of like a Troll Marillion.

[1:03:11] Kind of like the backstory and the creation of the Troll universe or Trolliverse.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:16] Yeah.

[1:03:16] So-

[1:03:17] Yeah.

[1:03:17] It could just be an annotation.

[1:03:19] Yeah.

[1:03:19] I see where you're going.

[1:03:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:20] Martin Gardner's the annotated Troll 2.

[1:03:22] Yeah.

[1:03:22] It's a brilliant book.

[1:03:24] So the creepy general storekeeper, he gives him milk, but he's already stumbling away into

[1:03:29] the farcinate days.

[1:03:30] And the locals are like, hey, your friends came to tell us they want you to go to the old

[1:03:34] house that looks like a church.

[1:03:35] He's like, well, okay.

[1:03:37] Okay.

[1:03:37] Meanwhile, back in that old house that looks like a church, Credence the Witch Lady.

[1:03:41] She is talking to her new plants about a pudding she made that she's going to give to the family.

[1:03:48] And she talks about-

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:48] Is she doing it normal style or big into the back seats?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:52] Very big into the back.

[1:03:55] Lots of hand movements, lots of, well, this will purify the intestines and bring them closer

[1:04:02] to nature.

[1:04:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:03] It's a performance that is a lot of like, I'm stealing this for every role-playing bad

[1:04:09] guy ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:10] I don't know why she needs plants to eat because she is chewing up that scenery.

[1:04:13] Something fierce.

[1:04:16] And there's-

Dan McCoy

[1:04:17] Well, scenery doesn't have a lot of nutrients in it, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] But it's probably made out of vegetables.

[1:04:21] I don't know.

[1:04:21] If you make the scenery out of like tofu or something and you put like a sauce on there.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:24] Everything's like seitan these days.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:27] Dan, Dan, you keep trying to get me to worship seitan and I will not do it.

[1:04:31] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:32] I was going to suggest tempeh, but you would not want to go to Arizona right now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:37] Not if I'm going to pronounce it that way.

[1:04:39] That's for sure.

[1:04:41] So the new plant she's talking to is Elliot's friend Arnold.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:44] Sorry.

[1:04:45] I got to take a moment to appreciate that was one of the moments we've gotten closer to

[1:04:49] being the Marx Brothers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:51] Yeah.

[1:04:52] That's a good point.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:52] I want to appreciate it.

[1:04:54] Okay.

[1:04:54] Anyway, go on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:55] Unfortunately, Marx Brothers were usually the most likely Zeppo.

[1:04:58] Looking uncomfortable, being a little awkward, and then eventually leaving the group.

[1:05:03] So outside the closed-

[1:05:04] Is there like a Marx Brothers that's like really into weightlifting and stuff?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:08] Like a hot cool Marx Brothers?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] Yeah, Muslo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:12] Muslo, the weightlifting Marx Brothers.

[1:05:14] Make sure he gets his macros.

[1:05:16] Bolt, Bolt, Bolt, Swolo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] There's the five Marx Brothers, Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo, and Swolo.

[1:05:23] Yeah.

[1:05:23] You would never know Swolo.

[1:05:25] Is he super vascular?

[1:05:27] That's kind of what I'm shooting for.

[1:05:28] I love the idea of now it's like Harpo gets his harp solo, Chico gets his piano solo, Swolo

[1:05:34] gets the solo where he just lifts weights on screen for five straight minutes.

[1:05:39] Audiences at the time loved it because in Vaudeville you gave them a full show.

[1:05:42] It was just comedy.

[1:05:44] You also do some weightlifting in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:45] Yeah.

[1:05:46] Well, you do the anvil chorus, but he's lifting up actual anvils.

[1:05:49] Oh, wow.

[1:05:50] You know, all the shenanigans are going around.

[1:05:52] Yeah.

[1:05:53] Pretty good.

[1:05:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:56] Now I just want to think of other Marx Brothers that don't add that much to the act, you know?

[1:06:03] Oh, that's a canto.

[1:06:04] He's the one who just makes sure the books are in order while they're doing this.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] Makes sure every brother gets there on time-o.

[1:06:13] That's a really long name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:15] It's a long name.

[1:06:15] He wasn't very good at his job apparently.

[1:06:17] So outside the now closed general store, it's been closed in the few minutes since the friend

[1:06:22] got his free milk.

[1:06:23] Josh's dad, he finds a vegetable cookbook and a rocking chair and he just sits in it and

[1:06:28] starts reading it until he falls asleep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:29] That's classic dad move though, right?

[1:06:31] I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:32] That sounds pretty good right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:34] I feel like, I'm like, man, that would be like catnip to Dan.

[1:06:37] They got Dan locked.

[1:06:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] Oh, this town has a rocking chair I can fall asleep in in public and a free vegetarian cookbooks.

[1:06:46] Yeah.

[1:06:46] Sign me up.

[1:06:47] How do I get to Nilbog?

[1:06:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:49] Yeah.

[1:06:50] Later on, we have like a basic cable erotic dance and I'm like, man, they're ticking all

[1:06:55] Dan's boxes here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:56] Oh man.

[1:06:57] Yeah.

[1:06:57] They should call it Dan Nilbog.

[1:06:59] Anyway.

[1:06:59] So, but Josh looks in a mirror and sees that a street sign realizes Nilbog is goblin backwards.

[1:07:06] Oh no.

[1:07:07] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:08] Wait, what?

[1:07:08] Which is a weird way to figure it out.

[1:07:10] I mean, honestly, just looking at the word is probably just as easy than seeing the letters

[1:07:14] fully reversed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:15] Especially when he's heard the word goblin so many times at this point.

[1:07:19] Yeah.

[1:07:19] He's like, well, I just assumed it was named after Jedediah Nilbog, the founder of the town.

[1:07:24] No, it's not.

[1:07:25] It's a coincidence.

[1:07:26] It was founded by Jedediah Nilbog.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:27] It's in honor of how many bogs are in the town, which is Nil.

[1:07:30] Which is none.

[1:07:31] Yeah.

[1:07:32] Founders were like, we shall call it Nilbog in honor of the most important geographical feature

[1:07:40] that we look for in a town.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] The lack of bogs.

[1:07:44] Yeah.

[1:07:44] I mean, it sounds, honestly, if there was a Nilbog, New Jersey, I would not be shocked.

[1:07:48] But there are bogs in New Jersey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] Yeah.

[1:07:50] And there also are goblins in New Jersey.

[1:07:53] Yeah.

[1:07:53] But what if they were like, we'll call it Nilbogs because there are no Boz Skaggs in this town.

[1:07:59] Well, there are no bogs also.

[1:08:00] You're right.

[1:08:01] Let's call it Nilbog.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:02] But then Boz Skaggs came.

[1:08:03] But then he showed up.

[1:08:04] They wanted Boz Skaggs to come for the, yeah, the town fair.

[1:08:07] They're like, I've got to change things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:09] Well, they said his name three times into a mirror, so he showed up.

[1:08:12] Yeah, that's what happens with Boz Skaggs.

[1:08:14] Yeah.

[1:08:14] Boss Nass, however, if you say his name, he just holds up a glowing orb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] Say it as many times as you like.

[1:08:21] Boss Nass is too busy.

[1:08:25] He's a big ton.

[1:08:26] And sketches by Boz, I'm sure you can find a copy of it somewhere.

[1:08:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:30] I'm halfway through reading it, and I have been for a long time.

[1:08:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:34] You can take your time with those sketches.

[1:08:36] Because you thought they were actual sketches, and you opened up and you went, words?

[1:08:39] Oh, no.

[1:08:40] So Josh does whatever you do when you realize the town is full of goblins.

[1:08:46] He leaves his dad sleeping on the street and just skateboards away to explore.

[1:08:51] And the shopping friend, he's wandering through the woods.

[1:08:53] His head is bleeding green.

[1:08:55] He tries to drink the milk, but it's so gross, and he throws it on the ground.

[1:08:58] Meanwhile, we're cutting between these scenes so fast.

[1:09:00] Credence shows up at the family's house with her welcome pudding, which is clearly a cake.

[1:09:05] It's clearly a cake.

[1:09:06] It's not a pudding.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:07] Isn't that what they call puddings in, like, England or something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:10] Well, there's a certain type of pastry that they call a pudding.

[1:09:12] Like, a Yorkshire pudding is really like a pastry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:14] I was asking our resident fucking bakery boy, Elliot.

[1:09:16] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] Don't ask me, who was just in England, eating Yorkshire pudding.

[1:09:20] Go ask him.

[1:09:20] Well, I also was just in England.

[1:09:21] Yeah, this bitch was in England, too.

[1:09:22] Yeah, that's true.

[1:09:23] I did have Yorkshire pudding.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:25] You guys all went to England with Alex without me, and honestly, I'm like, are they doing a fucking live show?

[1:09:30] We didn't go together.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:31] I didn't see either of those other people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:33] I almost saw Alex.

[1:09:34] We couldn't get it together at the last minute.

[1:09:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:36] So tell me about the pudding stand.

[1:09:37] Yorkshire pudding.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:38] I mean, like, that's kind of like a popover batter.

[1:09:40] You know, it's baked often with the drippings from the meat.

[1:09:44] Uh-huh.

[1:09:45] Yeah.

[1:09:45] Extra delicious.

[1:09:46] Yeah.

[1:09:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:47] Yeah, but like, when Pink Floyd gets all worked up about, you can't, you know, you can't have your pudding until you eat your meat, what do they mean?

[1:09:54] They mean, like, a little jello pudding pack?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:57] Yeah, it's go-gurt.

[1:09:58] I mean.

[1:09:58] They call it go-gurt pudding in England.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:00] They do.

[1:10:01] I think that it's not all savory.

[1:10:02] That's what Pink Floyd's talking about.

[1:10:03] Yeah, that's what's saying.

[1:10:04] The wall is a wall in a grocery store filled with go-gurt.

[1:10:08] Yeah.

[1:10:08] Also, the pudding is, look.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:11] That's where the song goes, we don't need no tubes of go-gurt.

[1:10:15] Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[1:10:16] On second thought, actually, we would like that go-gurt.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] Real quick, Dan was going to explain this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:22] No, no, no.

[1:10:22] I'm saying.

[1:10:23] Hey, go-gurt, please give me some go-gurt.

[1:10:25] No, no, no.

[1:10:26] Real quick.

[1:10:26] We got this.

[1:10:27] We got this.

[1:10:27] Don't worry about it.

[1:10:28] All in all, we're just another tube of go-gurt.

[1:10:32] Yeah, take a second.

[1:10:33] It's just going to be a good one.

[1:10:34] Dan's explain this.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:35] It might still be a treat is like, just for me.

[1:10:37] I don't know about you, but.

[1:10:39] Yeah, okay.

[1:10:39] Like, I like meat, but you know what sounds even better than meat?

[1:10:42] Some batter that's been cooked in some meat juice.

[1:10:44] Yeah, that's a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:45] That sounds good to me.

[1:10:46] Yeah.

[1:10:47] Let's do it.

[1:10:48] Okay, sold.

[1:10:48] Let's do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:49] Okay, but that's how.

[1:10:50] That's our new job.

[1:10:51] We're going to be, you know, I guess we're going to be like first cow style cake sellers.

[1:10:58] Yeah.

[1:10:59] I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:59] So, that shit looked really good.

[1:11:00] Didn't you want to eat those cakes?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:03] I'll be honest.

[1:11:03] I still haven't seen it.

[1:11:04] Oh.

[1:11:05] I know it's very good.

[1:11:07] First cow.

[1:11:07] Yeah.

[1:11:07] It's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:08] It's really touching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:10] So, Josh has, he stumbles onto it.

[1:11:12] He stumbles onto a town kind of religious revival meeting.

[1:11:15] There's a preacher there who's talking all about how bad meat is.

[1:11:18] He discussed the parishioners by talking about meat.

[1:11:20] And the farm family, who was supposed to be at their house, enjoying all the modern appliances

[1:11:25] that you don't have in a farm, like refrigerators and radios.

[1:11:28] They're at the meeting.

[1:11:29] And they catch Josh spying on them.

[1:11:31] Meanwhile, Holly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:32] It's funny that you say meeting because later on they're going to have Joshua eating.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] And they don't like meat.

[1:11:39] They're really taking the meat out of meeting.

[1:11:42] So, Holly goes up to Elliot and says, here's the choice.

[1:11:45] Fuck me or hang out with your friends.

[1:11:47] That's the choice.

[1:11:48] You cannot do both.

[1:11:49] Yeah.

[1:11:50] We're left wondering what's it going to be.

[1:11:52] He loves hanging out with his friends.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:53] And she like punches him, right, too?

[1:11:55] Yeah.

[1:11:56] Yeah, she does.

[1:11:56] That was my favorite part of the movie.

[1:11:58] I'm like, yeah, this kid needs to be smacked around a little.

[1:12:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:01] And you know what?

[1:12:01] Maybe he's not ready.

[1:12:02] Maybe it's not okay for her to be pressuring him this way.

[1:12:05] I don't know.

[1:12:05] Maybe he's nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:06] We're adding Rich's backstory.

[1:12:07] Maybe he's a closeted man and I shouldn't be upset that he doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend.

[1:12:13] Yeah.

[1:12:14] But he shouldn't be stringing her along like this.

[1:12:16] Yeah, she's clearly.

[1:12:17] Certainly clarity is kindness.

[1:12:18] Clearly ready to go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:19] Yeah, exactly.

[1:12:21] So, the parishioners are trying to force Josh to eat some Nilbog ice cream.

[1:12:24] They're like, children love ice cream.

[1:12:26] Have some ice cream.

[1:12:28] And they're serving it by both goblins and townspeople.

[1:12:30] Some of them are just goblins now.

[1:12:31] And they keep chanting, open your mouth, my little friend.

[1:12:34] Please open it.

[1:12:35] Open your mouth, my little friend.

[1:12:37] Please open it.

[1:12:38] It is so awkwardly phrased.

[1:12:40] But that's when Dad runs in.

[1:12:42] He woke up from his nap.

[1:12:43] That's when I run in.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:45] I'm like, guys, I'm here for the future.

[1:12:47] This is going to be.

[1:12:49] Hilarious.

[1:12:50] Yeah.

[1:12:50] It's one of the worst movies ever.

[1:12:53] You can choose to continue going knowing that or not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:56] If you continue to make this movie, turn to page 47.

[1:13:00] If you decide not to make this movie, turn to page 62.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] And you can't put your finger on this page.

[1:13:08] No, no, no, no.

[1:13:09] So that if you don't like the results, you can just go back.

[1:13:11] That's fucked up.

[1:13:11] You got to go with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:12] No, don't play it that way.

[1:13:13] But what if I die?

[1:13:13] I don't want to have to go through the whole rest of the book again if I die.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:16] Look, that was the agreement you signed when you bought this Choose Your Own Adventure,

[1:13:20] The Making of Troll 2 book.

[1:13:21] That you were going to play it like real life.

[1:13:24] Like real life, Dan.

[1:13:25] Like Dan in real life with your head on a stack of pancakes.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:28] If I can't have integrity in my smallest moments when no one's watching,

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:32] then if you want to put your head on a stack of pancakes, go to page 12.

[1:13:40] You show up to your date sticky.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:43] Dan, the way we act when nobody's watching, that decides who we are.

[1:13:48] Because you know who's watching?

[1:13:49] Ashton Kutcher prank god.

[1:13:51] And you know he's going to turn you into a cucumber and make a fish eat you.

[1:13:53] He's going to be like, if Dan puts his finger in there so he cheats, I'm so sending him to Nineveh to tell them that they're being sinful.

[1:14:00] It's going to be hilarious.

[1:14:01] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:02] I can't believe this shit's going to be like, this episode's going to be labeled under like, filed under Bible studies?

[1:14:08] Yeah, faith and religion.

[1:14:11] Ecumenical?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:14] We're trying to diversify here in our 400th episode.

[1:14:16] They had all the quadrants.

[1:14:18] Yeah.

[1:14:18] All 67 quadrants.

[1:14:21] I don't know why they keep calling it quadrants.

[1:14:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:24] Humor, goblins, religion, insulting dentists.

[1:14:28] We've got it all.

[1:14:29] Yep.

[1:14:30] So dad saves Josh and he's like, they're monsters.

[1:14:33] And dad is like, don't insult our hosts that were force-feeding you ice cream.

[1:14:37] And on the drive home, dad, they pass Holly arguing with Elliot.

[1:14:40] Elliot decides to go with him, leaving his last friend alone at the RV, perhaps never to be seen again.

[1:14:45] Meanwhile, shopping friend, he finally gets to that evil house.

[1:14:49] Plant Arnold is there and he's like, mm, mm, oil can, oil can, help save me.

[1:14:53] And Drew has to tear the bark off his mouth so Arnold can talk.

[1:14:56] And Arnold's like, drag me out of here because his feet are in a pot, in a potted plant pot.

[1:15:00] And he has to, he's dragging this potted plant with his friend planted in it.

[1:15:03] And it is genuinely hilarious watching him trying to drag this thing out of the house in a subtle way.

[1:15:08] And of course, goth librarian, the, you know, she interrupts.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:13] D.L. Gielgud or whatever her name is.

[1:15:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:15] She knocks out Drew and then chainsaws Arnold to make him into a smoothie, which Drew is the friend.

[1:15:22] That's right.

[1:15:22] We learned his name is Drew at this point.

[1:15:24] She knocks out and she chainsaws Arnold.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:25] Which is weird because she's a Druid and he's a Drew.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:29] Yeah.

[1:15:30] Who's following his id.

[1:15:31] So you think that they would make it work.

[1:15:33] And they're both fans of the Wizard of Id, but they don't like Johnny Hart's other work.

[1:15:37] They find it too preachy.

[1:15:39] So the others arrive back at their rental house.

[1:15:42] They find that all the townspeople are throwing a welcome party.

[1:15:45] There's food everywhere.

[1:15:46] If you said to yourself, is this scarier than the scene in Southern Comfort when they end up at the Cajun town

[1:15:52] and everyone's dancing and singing?

[1:15:53] Yes.

[1:15:53] Yes, very much so.

[1:15:54] As off-putting as that scene is, there's a real folk joy to it.

[1:15:58] Not everyone there wants to kill these soldiers.

[1:16:00] Just a few of the people there.

[1:16:01] But here, they all want to eat these people.

[1:16:03] So it is not a party that you want to be at unless you're a goblin.

[1:16:06] And Josh is like, don't eat it.

[1:16:07] Don't eat it.

[1:16:08] And Dad is like, go to your room.

[1:16:09] You are being inhospitable.

[1:16:11] And he calls for his grandpa in the mirror.

[1:16:13] But who in the mirror is the mirror but Credence.

[1:16:16] And she jumps out of the mirror as a troll and attacks him.

[1:16:18] And the mirror shatters.

[1:16:19] And that's when Grandpa appears with an axe and chops Credence Goblin's hand off.

[1:16:23] And the goblin in, I think, a fantastic effect.

[1:16:27] The goblin leaps back through the mirror.

[1:16:28] And the mirror reforms.

[1:16:30] And Credence appears in her house.

[1:16:31] And I thought that was a really good edit.

[1:16:33] That edit looks really cool.

[1:16:34] That was the one time when the movie almost becomes a phantasm film.

[1:16:37] Like it almost reaches the level of almost elegantly effortless kind of surreal cheap effectness that Don Cascarelli pulls off so well in Phantasm.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:49] I want to go back to before this Credence Clear Mirror revival and say that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:57] Go to iTunes right now and give us five stars just for that joke.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:00] You know, this really underlines what you're saying about why doesn't Grandpa just do it all.

[1:17:07] If he can do this sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:08] If he can appear with an axe and physically fight a goblin.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:13] Influence the physical world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:14] Anyway.

[1:17:15] I mean, I think he also has some resentment toward his family.

[1:17:20] He's an old man.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] I mean, he probably feels like I've done enough.

[1:17:25] Yeah.

[1:17:25] You know, someone else should take up the mantle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:27] Maybe that was a massive expenditure of his soul energy to do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:30] It's possible because later he's only enough a little bit.

[1:17:33] Yeah.

[1:17:33] This reminds me of that old song, of course.

[1:17:36] Old man, look at my life.

[1:17:38] I'm a ghost like you are.

[1:17:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:41] It's being said, my old man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:43] Yeah.

[1:17:44] I'm in Grandpa through the desert on a horse with a ghost with no name.

[1:17:48] Not the same person, but the sound song.

[1:17:49] I almost forgot.

[1:17:50] It's a different band.

[1:17:51] How that song went.

[1:17:52] Yeah, I did.

[1:17:53] Anyway, all I remember about that song is that there's things and rings in the desert.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:57] I'm a bigger fan of the Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Ghost songs.

[1:18:01] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:03] On this harvest, Ghost.

[1:18:06] And of course, I've been searching for a heart of ghosts.

[1:18:08] That's a big hint too.

[1:18:09] Yeah, yeah.

[1:18:09] Yeah.

[1:18:11] So Creedence back at her house, she uses the power of the stones of Stonehenge, which she

[1:18:18] has in her house, to regrow her hand as Grandpa gleefully hands Josh a Molotov cocktail to

[1:18:24] throw to burn the whole house down.

[1:18:26] And Grandpa could not be more excited about the idea.

[1:18:28] Burn in down the house.

[1:18:29] He sings.

[1:18:30] Right.

[1:18:30] I just wanted to get a little.

[1:18:32] Burn in with the ghost.

[1:18:33] Yeah.

[1:18:33] Dan, get on the action.

[1:18:34] Did you see how fun it is to just insert a little bit of a song?

[1:18:37] Sing, man.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:37] Just like after so many, it's, you know, after 400 episodes, just nice to raise our voices

[1:18:43] together.

[1:18:44] And song and praise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:45] It's like, this is going to become a karaoke podcast where we sing mix them up karaoke songs.

[1:18:50] Just do it.

[1:18:51] I've been doing it for many years.

[1:18:52] Why don't we mix them up?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:54] Stuart Cup.

[1:18:56] Uh-huh.

[1:18:56] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:57] Yeah.

[1:18:57] Exactly.

[1:18:58] Make a new song from them.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:00] Why don't we do it in the ghost?

[1:19:03] Yeah.

[1:19:03] He's intangible.

[1:19:04] We can go right through him.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:06] No, that should have gotten rid of all the new listeners we plausibly gained.

[1:19:09] Yeah, new listeners.

[1:19:09] Sorry about that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:10] So he has a Molotov cocktail.

[1:19:12] He immediately uses it and burns all the goblins, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:14] No.

[1:19:15] Unfortunately, well, even though the Nilboggins are clapping to music for the family for a

[1:19:20] long time, as the other family members sit in a circle looking awkward as the goblin

[1:19:25] humans clap, Grandpa is about to light the fuse when the preacher, who hates meat, shows

[1:19:29] up, just plucks the Molotov cocktail out of Josh's hand and casts a spell that hurts

[1:19:34] Grandpa's ghost form somehow.

[1:19:37] And Grandpa casts a spell back that causes the preacher to burst into flame.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:43] Yeah, like a bolt of lightning flies from the sky and sets the Molotov cocktail off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:47] Yes.

[1:19:48] And it seems to be like that.

[1:19:50] He uses up the last of his ectoplasmic energy to do that or something like that.

[1:19:53] Like he has to leave after that.

[1:19:55] Dad runs out, extinguishes the fire, revealing a burnt up goblin body.

[1:19:59] Now everyone sees the truth and the sheriff declares that the family must die.

[1:20:03] But instead of doing anything to act-

[1:20:06] We haven't even talked about this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:08] Okay.

[1:20:09] But we're introduced to the sheriff earlier.

[1:20:11] And his name is Sheriff Gene Freak.

[1:20:13] And if I came up with that name, I would have saved that shit for a better movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:17] Yeah.

[1:20:18] Yeah.

[1:20:18] Fair.

[1:20:18] Every, even a bad movie can have a stroke of genius in the middle of it.

[1:20:23] Gene Freak.

[1:20:24] Yeah.

[1:20:25] And so-

[1:20:25] Spelled like it sounds.

[1:20:26] Just felt, yeah, exactly.

[1:20:27] The same slur you would hurl at a mutant in an X-Men comic.

[1:20:32] That's his birth name.

[1:20:34] And so, well, the original last name of the family was Mind Freak, but we changed it at Ellis Island.

[1:20:42] I changed it to sound less Criss Angel.

[1:20:44] So, they know they're goblins and the sheriff goes, you must do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:47] This is my, this is, sorry.

[1:20:49] My wife, she, of course, is a superintendent at the school, Super Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:53] Yeah, these are my brothers.

[1:20:55] They're fabulous in Fury.

[1:20:57] Did I say Fury or Furry?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:59] You said Fury.

[1:21:00] Alex, make it sound cooler.

[1:21:02] Don't correct it to Furry.

[1:21:04] Just make it sound cool.

[1:21:05] Yeah, yeah.

[1:21:06] Throw some, like, laser beams.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:07] We all remember when Bruce Lee was in Fists of Furry Freak Brothers.

[1:21:11] Yeah.

[1:21:12] They made a little bit of changing, a little bit of changes to the original source material.

[1:21:16] But, you know, much as when Jet Li started that Mr. B Natural movie.

[1:21:22] And it was like, so that's why Mr. B Natural is extending his leg so far to do a roundhouse kick.

[1:21:27] Yeah.

[1:21:28] That's why.

[1:21:29] Yeah.

[1:21:29] It was called Keep on Fighting.

[1:21:31] Anyway.

[1:21:32] So, the sheriff says, you must die.

[1:21:34] But then the goblins don't really do anything.

[1:21:36] They just stand there and stare at the family as the family runs back into the house.

[1:21:40] Credence, back at Stonehenge, she casts a spell.

[1:21:42] And the moon goes away.

[1:21:44] And she's transformed into a more mainstream beautiful woman.

[1:21:48] She loses her gray teeth and ultra-chapped lifts.

[1:21:51] But she also loses her glasses and loses her general kind of like – she still is kind of a goth librarian vibe but not as much of one.

[1:21:58] Yeah.

[1:21:58] And so I really missed that.

[1:22:00] She's a more conventional sex object at this point.

[1:22:03] The family is under siege.

[1:22:04] Just not under siege in that they are –

[1:22:07] Dark territory.

[1:22:08] Yeah, as in they're a chef who was a marine and now he's on a train and Eric Boghossian is there.

[1:22:13] Or that he is a chef who's on a battleship and Gary Busey is there.

[1:22:17] But in fact, the under siege from –

[1:22:18] And Erica Alaniac.

[1:22:20] And Erica Alaniac, yeah.

[1:22:21] In one of the most famous scenes involving a cake ever committed to film.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:26] As a kid, I watched that scene so many times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:30] Yeah.

[1:22:32] This reminds me of recently.

[1:22:33] I was driving to a Writers Guild strike rally with star of the Flophouse, Hallie Hagelin.

[1:22:37] And for some reason, she brought up the movie Just One of the Guys and brought up the topless scene at the end as if I wasn't familiar with it.

[1:22:44] As if it was something that –

[1:22:45] Have you heard about this?

[1:22:46] Yeah, she's like walking you through it.

[1:22:48] Are you aware?

[1:22:49] I was like, don't worry.

[1:22:51] I was 11 years old with HBO.

[1:22:53] I am aware of Just One of the Guys and the topless shot they're in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:56] That was like me when I was like – I caught part of that, at least that scene on HBO.

[1:23:02] And I remember going to the video store and trying to explain to my mom what movie I wanted to rent but without tipping my hands.

[1:23:10] Like, so there's a woman who dresses as a man.

[1:23:12] She's like, did you see Victor Victoria?

[1:23:15] I don't think so, Mom.

[1:23:17] Was it Twelfth Night?

[1:23:18] Is that what you're talking about?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:20] Yeah.

[1:23:22] There's a lot of similarities.

[1:23:23] Are you talking about the unreleased yet?

[1:23:25] She's the man?

[1:23:26] That's not going to come out for several years, Stuart.

[1:23:28] Yeah, my mom's –

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:29] You ended up with Catherine Hepburn and Sylvia Scarlet and you're like, all right, I guess I'll watch this.

[1:23:34] Not the same.

[1:23:35] So they're under siege but it's mostly just the goblin people just standing around outside.

[1:23:40] But the sheriff, he throws a bag of sandwiches at the door and says, eat this or we'll kill you violently.

[1:23:46] They decide instead to hold a seance for Grandpa.

[1:23:48] Holly is like, why don't we hold a seance?

[1:23:50] And Joshua is like, Holly, you're a genius.

[1:23:51] It's another moment of real bonding between these siblings who have had their troubles in the past.

[1:23:56] You know, there are different points in their life.

[1:23:58] They argue a lot.

[1:23:59] But you can tell that when they grow up and they have their own families, they're going to really bond with each other.

[1:24:03] There's going to be a real connection.

[1:24:04] Again, more grist for the Troll 2 novelization.

[1:24:08] So Elliot's final friend –

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:10] The novelization is going to be like the waves where we just kind of go back and forth in time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:14] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:24:15] Or to the lighthouse, something like that.

[1:24:17] Yeah, yeah.

[1:24:17] And so Elliot's final friend, he's sitting at the RV watching more inexplicable television when Credence appears in her new guise as a sexy seductress.

[1:24:28] She has an ear of corn with her and he's so hungry.

[1:24:31] He doesn't know what he wants more, sex or eating.

[1:24:33] And so she beckons him to join her.

[1:24:36] And then he does.

[1:24:37] And then they go back inside.

[1:24:38] They – some of the least sexy keyboard music I've ever heard is playing in the background of this.

[1:24:43] It's like – it feels like game show music.

[1:24:46] And it's very funny that it plays throughout the scene.

[1:24:48] It's – she seduces him in a way where they are both taking bites out of opposite sides of the corn cob at the same time as if they're going to eat their way through it Lady and the Tramp style.

[1:24:59] There's no way they're just going to crunch through a corn cob.

[1:25:01] That would be insane.

[1:25:02] Come on.

[1:25:03] They can't do that.

[1:25:04] And suddenly – and he goes – he's like, yeah, I like popcorn.

[1:25:07] And everything's getting so hot and heavy that suddenly popcorn is just exploding off of the corn cob everywhere.

[1:25:12] Yeah.

[1:25:12] And it is maybe the –

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:13] Everybody remembers their first time, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:15] Yeah.

[1:25:15] It is maybe the funniest metaphor for sex I've ever seen in a movie.

[1:25:19] Just that popcorn exploding between people's faces.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:21] And he later on is drowned in that popcorn.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:24] Yes, yes.

[1:25:24] After the fact, the screenwriter and director like would claim that this movie was always meant to be comic.

[1:25:32] And to some degree, that's the sort of like saving face thing that people always say when one of the movies –

[1:25:38] It's what Tommy Wiseau said about The Room.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:40] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:25:41] Exactly.

[1:25:41] It's meant to be a comedy when it's clearly not.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:43] I mean on the other hand, there are scenes like this in here where you can like – yeah, no, I can see where some of this was meant to be comedic.

[1:25:51] Yeah, yeah.

[1:25:51] But it still doesn't work on that level either.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:54] Well, it feels like they're going for like a Critters type thing where it's like there are jokes in it, but it's also meant to be like a scary little movie or an exciting movie.

[1:26:04] Or like Ghostbusters is like the best version of that where it's a comedy, but there's also like genuine – it's not necessarily scary, but it's like you do get wrapped up in the supernatural story.

[1:26:15] I mean the librarian ghost is scary.

[1:26:16] Yeah, as a kid I was scared, you know?

[1:26:17] I mean if ever there was a librarian that I was scared by in a non-sexy way, it was the librarian ghost in Ghostbusters.

[1:26:25] So although now that I think about it, maybe –

[1:26:28] Yeah, who knows?

[1:26:29] Maybe she just needs the right –

[1:26:30] What's she up to?

[1:26:31] The right library patron.

[1:26:33] What's her at?

[1:26:34] Maybe I'll reach out.

[1:26:35] I think it's at library ghost from Ghostbusters.

[1:26:37] Oh, that actually makes a lot of sense.

[1:26:39] But she's only on Parler, unfortunately.

[1:26:43] Oh, wait, let me pull it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:44] Oh, she's got a link tree.

[1:26:45] Interesting.

[1:26:47] Is that a tree that grows links from Legend of Zelda?

[1:26:49] Kind of.

[1:26:50] Kind of.

[1:26:51] She's on Raya because she's a celebrity.

[1:26:53] That's the problem.

[1:26:54] Oh, I see.

[1:26:55] We'll have to get our friends that are on Raya to check her out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:58] Yeah, Raya is a dating site that's just for celebrities and last dragons.

[1:27:02] So anyway, the townspeople, they're standing around ominously.

[1:27:07] The sheriff is like, enough of this, and fires his shotgun in the air.

[1:27:10] The family is holding the seance.

[1:27:12] Grandpas appear via light, just amazing light and voices.

[1:27:15] We don't see his face on this one.

[1:27:16] And he says he can only appear for 10 more minutes.

[1:27:19] They have to concentrate, and they'll use goodness to destroy the magic stone

[1:27:23] that gives Credence, the queen of the goblins, her power.

[1:27:27] And at this point, I felt maybe Troll 2's mythology is a little too complicated.

[1:27:30] As much as I love the family backstory we're putting together,

[1:27:32] perhaps it's a little too slapdash and patched together that it's like,

[1:27:36] oh yeah, druids have their descendant,

[1:27:39] and she somehow rules the goblins using a cutting of Stonehenge that's a magic stone.

[1:27:43] Anyway, Joshua passes out, and the trolls invade the house.

[1:27:46] And the family runs away, and Joshua wakes up, somehow magically transported to the witch's lair.

[1:27:51] And he's attacked by a troll, and that's when Grandpa appears, punches the troll.

[1:27:55] Oh yeah, sorry, a goblin.

[1:27:56] Attacked by a goblin.

[1:27:58] And Grandpa appears and punches that goblin, and gives Joshua, of course,

[1:28:01] a bag of supplies that he can use to destroy the Stonehenge magic stone.

[1:28:05] I don't remember what was in there.

[1:28:06] Is it just stuff?

[1:28:07] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:08] I know what's in there.

[1:28:08] No, I know what's in there.

[1:28:09] Yeah, he says he can only use it in times of, like, great emergency.

[1:28:12] Yes.

[1:28:13] And he later on reaches into that bag and pulls out a triple-decker bologna sandwich.

[1:28:17] That's right, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:19] Nothing can defeat vegetarian goblins like bologna.

[1:28:25] My bologna has a first name.

[1:28:27] Bologna.

[1:28:31] The Grouch.

[1:28:32] And then Oscar the Grouch comes out with a fucking machine gun and shoots all the goblins.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:37] That's the most animated I've seen Dan in a while.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:40] I love trash, but I'll take out this trash for free.

[1:28:44] But I hate goblins.

[1:28:47] Yeah.

[1:28:48] I mean, he hates everything.

[1:28:49] He's Oscar the Grouch.

[1:28:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:51] Yeah, Sully, throw him in the can, add a bunch of goblins.

[1:28:54] They fall down like they're bowling fans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:56] It's O-S-C-A-R.

[1:28:58] My bologna has a second name.

[1:28:59] It's L-E-V-A-N-T.

[1:29:01] Oscar LaFance.

[1:29:02] Famously moody piano player.

[1:29:04] He is.

[1:29:07] Elliot's last friend.

[1:29:08] We just briefly see Credence leave the RV, leaving him buried in popcorn, but not quite dead yet.

[1:29:12] And he just goes, no more.

[1:29:14] No more popcorn.

[1:29:15] And I guess he's been popcorned to death.

[1:29:17] Yeah.

[1:29:18] Yeah.

[1:29:20] Credence leaves the RV and screams at how she looks in the mirror and sees that she's lost her conventional beauty.

[1:29:25] And she's back to having the weird lips and teeth.

[1:29:28] And she zaps.

[1:29:30] The trolls say their queen is calling them.

[1:29:31] The trolls and the goblins.

[1:29:33] Damn it.

[1:29:33] The goblins in the house say their queen is calling them.

[1:29:36] And they zap away, leaving the family confused.

[1:29:39] Grandpa disappears forever and tells Joshua only the power of goodness can defeat the goblins.

[1:29:43] So Credence and the goblins show up and they start threatening him.

[1:29:46] But he horrifies them exactly by pulling out of the stack a triple-decker bologna sandwich.

[1:29:51] And is he eating it?

[1:29:52] Yeah, he's just eating it in front of them, right?

[1:29:54] Yeah.

[1:29:54] He's eating it.

[1:29:55] His family runs in.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:56] Look, you can be anti-vegetarian without being pro-bologna.

[1:30:00] Pre-made bologna.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:01] Pro-processed plastic meat.

[1:30:03] Anyway.

[1:30:04] His family runs in.

[1:30:05] They all put their hands on the stone and concentrate as Credence and the goblins scream.

[1:30:09] And they drool gook and they explode.

[1:30:11] It's really gross.

[1:30:11] They all fall down a bunch.

[1:30:13] They are all dead.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:14] That bug-eyed goblin, he's not liking it either.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:17] His eye explodes, right?

[1:30:19] Yeah.

[1:30:20] It's awesome.

[1:30:21] And now we cut to the family arrives back at home.

[1:30:24] I guess they're going to change the sheets again.

[1:30:26] Like they did before.

[1:30:27] They're drained.

[1:30:28] Mom starts eating an apple because she just is so hungry.

[1:30:31] And Josh Hughes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:32] Well, she pulls a crystal like fucking bowl out of the fridge that has a bunch of apples in it.

[1:30:39] Yeah.

[1:30:40] And she just starts going to town.

[1:30:42] And it's, you know, you know, immediately this isn't going to work out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:45] Yeah, just like Eve in the garden.

[1:30:46] And you know the movie's not, that something bad's going to happen because otherwise the movie would be over.

[1:30:50] And Josh Hughes whispering voices and finds a baseball with yummy mom is so good written on it.

[1:30:56] She goes to the shower because mom was like, I'm going to have an apple and take a shower.

[1:31:00] Goes to the shower.

[1:31:00] It's full of green muck.

[1:31:02] Oh, no.

[1:31:02] His mom turned into a plant in the shower.

[1:31:05] The kitchen is full of goblins.

[1:31:07] They're eating the slime that used to be his mom.

[1:31:09] And they go, do you want some, Joshua?

[1:31:11] And Joshua screams.

[1:31:13] Smash cut to credits.

[1:31:15] End of troll too.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:16] Creepy to you as a kid.

[1:31:17] Because like, I remember seeing this on TV.

[1:31:19] And this was the part that genuinely creeped me out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:21] Yes, this was another part that genuinely frightened me and creeped me out.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:25] It's such a nihilistic, unexpected ending for like this goofy movie.

[1:31:31] Yes.

[1:31:32] For like, you're just like, no, no, we ate your mom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:34] Not since the ending of the Goofy movie in which Goofy has a double suicide pact with his son.

[1:31:40] Has there been a bleak ending to a goofy movie like this, a nihilistic ending like this.

[1:31:43] There's no escape from the goblins.

[1:31:45] They eat his mom.

[1:31:46] Is it implied that the rest of the family have turned into goblins?

[1:31:49] Or is it, or are these just goblins just followed?

[1:31:51] Hard to say.

[1:31:52] They just followed behind their car in another car.

[1:31:54] And whenever the parents looked in the rear view mirror, the goblins would duck down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:57] I honestly thought that this was the family that they'd swapped houses with.

[1:32:01] But I guess they were back in the other place.

[1:32:03] Yeah.

[1:32:04] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:05] That family clearly left the apples.

[1:32:07] But I don't think they were.

[1:32:07] Yeah, they left those apples.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:09] Yeah.

[1:32:09] Because only a farm family would leave a crystal cut glass bowl.

[1:32:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:13] I feel like this movie just reinforced Elliot's choice to not eat any vegetables or fruit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:19] Yeah.

[1:32:20] I'm not a goblin.

[1:32:21] I don't want to be a goblin.

[1:32:22] And I don't want to turn into plant food.

[1:32:25] I mean, we'll all become plant food eventually.

[1:32:27] Yeah.

[1:32:28] Because our bodies will become nourishment for the roots of the plants that will then go on to feed the birds.

[1:32:34] The birds will go on to feed Larry Bird, the famous basketball player.

[1:32:38] And he will go on, of course, to feed a whale when God tells him to go tell Nineveh that they've been sinful.

[1:32:43] And he refuses to do it.

[1:32:45] Falls overboard in a ship.

[1:32:46] The whale eats him.

[1:32:47] That whale will then become food.

[1:32:48] Parable of Larry Bird.

[1:32:49] That whale will then become food for millions of Japanese schoolchildren.

[1:32:53] Although the whale was killed as a scientific experiment.

[1:32:55] And then those Japanese schoolchildren will, as they grow up and become old, become nourishment for the plants.

[1:32:59] And the cycle of life continues.

[1:33:01] Oh, that makes sense, actually.

[1:33:02] Yeah.

[1:33:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:04] Let's give final judgments for this movie.

[1:33:07] We do it every episode.

[1:33:08] We decide whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie that we actually kind of liked.

[1:33:14] I will say, you know, this is a classic good, bad movie, right, guys?

[1:33:20] This is like, I...

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:23] Yeah, Dan, rope us into pre-cell ours.

[1:33:25] Also rope us into yours.

[1:33:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:28] Now, look, I was one of the people in, not literally in a best-worst movie, but the people referenced by best-worst movie who saw this as a kid, roped others into it, being like, you got to see this bad movie.

[1:33:46] Like, this was before I professionally talked about movies that maybe weren't all their creators meant them to be for a podcast.

[1:33:56] I was just a bad movie aficionado on my own, and I would have parties, and I'd be like, hey, watch this thing.

[1:34:03] And people would watch it and be amused, you know, watching it, re-watching it again today.

[1:34:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:09] I was like, this is always better when people are around, and no one else is here to experience this with me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:15] It's still pretty funny.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:17] But pretty fun by yourself.

[1:34:19] It's still pretty fun.

[1:34:20] This is, you know, a top-tier good-bad movie, I would say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:24] Yeah, it's kind of like sex.

[1:34:26] It's ideal with other people, but still fun by yourself.

[1:34:29] True.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:30] But a lot easier when there's not other people around.

[1:34:32] Oh, wow, okay.

[1:34:33] So much easier.

[1:34:34] When I'm watching Troll 2 without other people, I don't have to worry about their pleasure or what they're getting out of it.

[1:34:39] I can just focus on my own enjoyment of the movie.

[1:34:41] Interesting, okay, yeah.

[1:34:42] But I will say, yeah, this is – I was a little worried that this movie – I hadn't seen it in a few years.

[1:34:47] And I was a little worried that I was like, oh, what are we doing?

[1:34:51] Like this thing has been raked over the coals so many times.

[1:34:53] This is a real vanilla bad movie.

[1:34:55] And then watching it again, it was like, yeah, this is a special good bad movie.

[1:34:58] This is something – I don't know if it's the best worst movie, but it is up there.

[1:35:03] I think partly because it is – it lives in that space of it is so – it's fairly clumsily made, but it is not so incompetently made that you can't just sit back and watch it.

[1:35:18] You know?

[1:35:19] Yeah.

[1:35:19] Like you're not puzzling out what the hell is going in this?

[1:35:22] Like what's going on in this?

[1:35:22] What's happening?

[1:35:23] You can tell and it's clear that what's happening is ridiculous and pretty dumb.

[1:35:29] But it's being done in a way that is – I don't know.

[1:35:33] And until that ending, until that bleak ending, there's a certain like kind of innocence about the whole thing.

[1:35:37] Yeah.

[1:35:37] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:38] Yeah.

[1:35:38] I mean it's such a – like it moves at a good clip.

[1:35:42] It's – every line delivery feels like it's like the weirdest take possible.

[1:35:50] Yeah.

[1:35:50] I think it's a really fun and it's a really special bad movie.

[1:35:53] It's definitely like a perfect good bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:57] Yeah.

[1:35:57] I think that – to play off some of what you guys have said, I think that if I was to offer a unified theory of good bad movies –

[1:36:05] Let's hear it.

[1:36:06] Yeah.

[1:36:07] One thing would be that a movie that makes all of the wrong decisions, you know, a movie that doesn't do anything right would be just watchable.

[1:36:17] Like a good bad movie is one that there's something to it that makes it watchable, but it also is utterly baffling.

[1:36:27] Yeah.

[1:36:28] And this has that.

[1:36:31] Yeah.

[1:36:31] And it has like kind of a weird – like it's not scary, but it does have like this weird dreamlike power where it's like none of this makes sense, but it is sort of like if you're trying to explain what happened when you slept last night to somebody.

[1:36:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:46] It feels –

[1:36:46] It's the witch coming out from behind the dumpster in Mulholland Drive for an hour and a half.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:51] Yeah.

[1:36:52] It feels to me a little bit like a horror movie for kids made by kids, like who don't really have a full grasp of storytelling and are like just throwing some things in and don't have a grasp of adult behavior.

[1:37:07] Yeah.

[1:37:07] And so it's a – there's a – but you're right.

[1:37:10] It's like a good bad movie is one that is made just good enough that you can focus on the fun bad stuff of it and you're not distracted by the bad bad stuff of it.

[1:37:20] Yeah.

[1:37:20] It's not painful.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:22] What a joy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:23] Troll 2.

[1:37:24] Best picture of the year.

[1:37:26] Say the floppers.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:27] Yeah.

[1:37:28] All around.

[1:37:30] Stuart, I believe you've got a little ad break.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:33] We've got a sponsor today, folks.

[1:37:35] Now, the Flophouse is known for having a couple of feline friends living in there.

[1:37:40] Dan has Archie and Panda.

[1:37:41] I have Muscles and Meatball.

[1:37:44] And you know what those things need?

[1:37:45] They need food all the time.

[1:37:47] Every day, in fact.

[1:37:48] In fact, if I don't feed them, they will yell at me and follow me around and get in my face and be a real problem.

[1:37:55] That's why you need to feed them also because you love them.

[1:37:58] It's a pro tip.

[1:37:58] And one of the great ways you can feed them is by –

[1:38:00] Feed your pets.

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[1:38:06] Not just, you know, not just pate garbage.

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[1:38:19] And now they feed cats around the world.

[1:38:22] And personally, as a fan of my cats, I like it when my cat Muscles climbs onto my chest and sticks his mouth right over my nose and face.

[1:38:31] I'm glad that his breath doesn't smell quite as bad as it used to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:35] It used to be in the old days when you would feed him plants that you made by giving goblin food to people who came over to your apartment.

[1:38:42] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:42] That's a whole tie-in.

[1:38:43] So what I would recommend you do is you should get your cats higher quality ingredients from Small's Healthier Cat Food.

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[1:39:15] One last time for everybody in the back row.

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Elliott Kalan

[1:39:25] Elliot, do you want to tell a little bit about FLOP TV?

[1:39:29] I certainly do.

[1:39:30] I would love to.

[1:39:31] Hey, 400th episode listeners.

[1:39:33] We're very excited to be announcing, not for the first time, but let's pretend it's the first time.

[1:39:38] Because it's our 400th episode and we want to have a big announcement that we are doing a series of six once a month live streaming shows.

[1:39:45] We're calling it FLOP TV.

[1:39:48] What is FLOP TV, you ask?

[1:39:49] Well, it's kind of like this, except you can see us, and it is a tight, kind of more streamlined TV-ish version of the show.

[1:39:57] It's going to be like our live virtual shows or our live regular shows.

[1:40:00] We're going to have a presentation at the top.

[1:40:02] We're going to talk about a movie.

[1:40:03] We're going to answer a couple questions.

[1:40:06] It's going to be really fun.

[1:40:07] And here's the thing.

[1:40:09] We're going to do the movies that have been most requested or most talked about or are just most heralded in bad movies other than Troll 2, which we just did in this episode.

[1:40:18] But some Troll 2-level stuff.

[1:40:21] So that's six episodes once a month for six months, usually the first Saturday in each month except for September.

[1:40:27] And let's talk about the movies that we're going to be talking about.

[1:40:29] In August, we're doing Beastmaster 2 through the portal of time.

[1:40:33] What?

[1:40:33] The only movie where a Beastmaster goes through a portal of time, and I just found out that someone I know is neighbors with the Beastmaster himself.

[1:40:41] So I'm going to ask for some more inside info.

[1:40:44] In September, you know it.

[1:40:46] Hollywood, if she could.

[1:40:47] It's Cool World.

[1:40:49] Everybody's favorite movie that doesn't really work about live-action people having sex with cartoons.

[1:40:54] In October, it's an all-American meat double feature.

[1:40:58] Hamburger, the motion picture.

[1:40:59] And Hot Dog, the movie.

[1:41:01] What are these movies about?

[1:41:02] I don't know.

[1:41:03] I've never seen them.

[1:41:04] Catch them and mustard.

[1:41:05] I've always been curious.

[1:41:06] Catch them and mustard.

[1:41:07] They're cops.

[1:41:08] And in November, it's Sports Month.

[1:41:10] Over the top.

[1:41:11] The best arm wrestling movie ever made featuring one of our patron saints of the Flavow, Sebastian Stallone.

[1:41:16] In December, it's Ballistic.

[1:41:18] X vs. Sever.

[1:41:19] The movie that introduced America to the lovable characters X and Sever.

[1:41:23] Put them against each other and made them ballistic.

[1:41:25] It's a title we never understood what it means.

[1:41:27] And now we're finally going to find out.

[1:41:29] And in January, yeah.

[1:41:31] In January, we're going to do the movie New Key.

[1:41:33] The second worst movie ever made.

[1:41:35] A movie I have seen and wish I could unsee.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:39] Now, Elliot, Slow Bullet.

[1:41:43] That's your pick for the worst movie you've ever seen?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:45] Slow Bullet is the worst movie I've ever seen.

[1:41:46] And New Key, an E.T. ripoff about an alien who's always crying and so snot is always coming out of his nose and is trapped in Africa.

[1:41:54] That is the movie we'll be doing in January.

[1:41:56] So, do you want to see these shows?

[1:41:59] I bet you do.

[1:41:59] Is this your first time listening to this podcast?

[1:42:01] I think you're going to like these TV versions of it and even more.

[1:42:04] Tickets are available for individual shows.

[1:42:06] If there's an individual movie you really want to hear us talk about, then you can buy a ticket for that episode.

[1:42:10] Or you can get a discounted season pass for all six episodes.

[1:42:15] One season pass gets into every episode.

[1:42:18] And it costs less than if you bought each episode individually.

[1:42:21] So, just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com to buy your tickets today.

[1:42:24] Again, that's theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[1:42:28] Unless I'm misunderstanding it, this will also be like our live virtual shows where even if you can't watch them live, getting a ticket will give you access to that recording for a limited amount of time.

[1:42:37] So, go.

[1:42:38] These tickets have been selling really well.

[1:42:39] People are really excited.

[1:42:40] It's the internet.

[1:42:41] So, there's lots of tickets available.

[1:42:43] So, go buy them.

[1:42:44] Go get tickets.

[1:42:45] Go.

[1:42:45] Theflophouse.simpleticks.com for a new era in Flophouse programming.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:50] And, you know, while we're in plugs, I just want to say Stuart came back into the room.

[1:42:55] We had a little – to pull the curtain back, we had a little bathroom break earlier on and also to air out this sweltering hot room that Stu and I –

[1:43:03] We're in our sweat box right now.

[1:43:04] Currently, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:05] And I'm starting to see colors and sounds.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:08] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:43:09] But Stuart –

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:10] Seeing colors is something you could do before it was really hot, right?

[1:43:12] Stuart.

[1:43:13] Not I.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:14] Stuart returned with an ALF sticker from my refrigerator.

[1:43:21] He wanted to fact check this sticker.

[1:43:23] He was mad that it said Shumway 67.

[1:43:26] Incensed.

[1:43:27] On the front of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:28] You should mention that – you should mention ALF is wearing a football jersey.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:30] He's wearing a football jersey.

[1:43:32] That's correct.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:32] And that's on the front of the jersey that says Shumway 67.

[1:43:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:35] Yes, yes.

[1:43:36] Yeah, because they have like traditional American football on Nelmac or –

Dan McCoy

[1:43:40] Stuart was mad that that was the place that the name of the football –

[1:43:44] the football team would be –

[1:43:46] but instead ALF has his last name.

[1:43:48] Or the mascot.

[1:43:49] There.

[1:43:50] But this all reminded me to just –

[1:43:52] I would like to extend a little free advertising to my friend and my wife's friend,

[1:44:01] my friends Jeff and Phoebe,

[1:44:04] who have just started a small toy store slash museum for vintage toys called the Museum of Nostalgia in Astoria, Queens.

[1:44:15] So, they had their grand opening recently.

[1:44:18] It was really cool.

[1:44:19] And also –

[1:44:19] So, if you're in the area, check out –

[1:44:21] And what area would that be?

[1:44:22] The Museum of Nostalgia.

[1:44:22] Yeah.

[1:44:22] The Museum of Nostalgia.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:22] And what area would that be?

[1:44:23] Astoria, Queens is, again, where anyone can find it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:26] I kind of want to point out that ALF's player number is 67,

[1:44:31] and I think they knew what they were doing there.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:34] What's that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:35] It's two away from you know that number.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:38] Okay, so –

[1:44:39] 65.

[1:44:40] Yeah, because they were –

[1:44:40] The Adam Driver movie.

[1:44:42] The same name.

[1:44:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:43] You said the same thing when I was like,

[1:44:45] I'm number one.

[1:44:46] And you're like, Dan, I know what you're doing.

[1:44:48] I know what you're doing.

[1:44:49] 68 numbers away from a very funny number.

[1:44:53] Mm-hmm.

S4

[1:44:59] Hey, MaxFun listeners.

[1:45:01] This is Cameron Esposito.

[1:45:02] I'm a stand-up comic, actor, writer, best-selling author, and podcaster.

[1:45:05] I got a great show called Query where I interview LGBTQ plus luminaries

[1:45:10] across, oh, a bunch of fields.

[1:45:12] People in entertainment, astronauts, musicians, rock stars.

[1:45:17] I am bringing the show to Maximum Fun.

[1:45:19] You can listen right now, and I am so happy to be on this network.

[1:45:24] We have new episodes out every Monday.

[1:45:27] You can listen at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:45:37] It's official.

[1:45:38] MaxFun has become a co-op.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:40] We're now a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:45] Thanks to supporters and listeners like you, MaxFun will always be a place where employees

[1:45:49] have a say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:50] Thanks to you, shows can continue to partner with an independent, values-driven network.

S4

[1:45:55] Thanks to you, we're able to carry on our commitment to our shows and the community we've

[1:46:00] grown together.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:01] Learn more about what becoming a co-op means for us and you at MaximumFun.org slash co-op.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:07] That's MaximumFun.org slash co-op.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:14] Hey, let's answer a couple of letters from listeners.

[1:46:17] This first one, oh, jeez, Louise, I don't know who this is from, and it's the most important

[1:46:23] one to know who this is from.

[1:46:24] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:25] Dan, did you really think I'd let you get to the letters without a song?

[1:46:30] On this our 400th episode, 400th episode, 400 episodes, 400 years.

[1:46:37] We've been doing this podcast in 1623.

[1:46:40] It all began 400 years ago when our ancestor Jebediah Flophouse started the Flophouse.

[1:46:47] He came to this country with a dream.

[1:46:49] A dream of burning down forests and building farms, and he did that too.

[1:46:54] But then afterwards, what would he do?

[1:46:56] He'd invent the Bad Movie Podcast with the Flophouse.

[1:47:00] And 400 years later, 400 episodes, because it's an episode a year in this version of the

[1:47:07] story.

[1:47:08] We came here to Stuart and Dan and Elliot, doing the podcast for 400 years.

[1:47:14] Four, zero, zero.

[1:47:15] Don't add up those numbers together, because four plus zero plus zero just makes four.

[1:47:20] But we've done 100 times as many episodes as four.

[1:47:23] 400, that's the number of episodes so far, if you don't count the minis or the movie minutes.

[1:47:30] In actuality, we hit this milestone a while ago.

[1:47:33] How long ago?

[1:47:34] I don't know.

[1:47:35] I don't know.

[1:47:36] I don't know.

[1:47:37] But a while ago.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:39] Well, you mean Rhapsody there for a second.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:41] Thank you for-

[1:47:42] 400 episodes, we'll call it today.

[1:47:48] 400 episodes.

[1:47:51] Like the movie 300, if there were 100 more guys, 100 more Spartans, would that have saved

[1:47:58] the day?

[1:47:59] Would they have been able to carry Thermopylae from Xerxes and his goons on that big battle

[1:48:04] day?

[1:48:05] 400, 400, 400, 400, find out in the sequel to 300.

[1:48:09] It's called 400.

[1:48:11] 100 guys go back in time to help the 300 Spartans.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:14] Stop this.

[1:48:17] Thank you, though.

[1:48:17] No.

[1:48:18] What are they helping me do?

[1:48:19] Thank you for stalling for a while.

[1:48:20] While I looked up, I had somehow cut-

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:23] Anytime you need it, you got it.

[1:48:26] Someone to stall with a song, you got it.

[1:48:29] Because you didn't look up the name ahead of time.

[1:48:32] You got it.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:34] The name, I had accidentally cut off the name to this first letter, and I really wanted to

[1:48:39] give this person credit because they did a nice thing for us.

[1:48:43] This is from Kevin, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:48:46] Hi, I'm a longtime listener to The Flophouse.

[1:48:49] I love the show.

[1:48:50] I look forward to it every Saturday.

[1:48:52] Listening to the latest episode, I realized that having two different URLs for the live TV

[1:48:56] call to action could be confusing.

[1:48:58] You're right, it could be.

[1:48:59] I wanted to help prevent this confusion if I could, so I bought

[1:49:02] http colon slash slash flophouselive.com, the URL flophouselive.com, which I would be

[1:49:12] more than happy to transfer to y'all for free if you want it.

[1:49:14] It redirects to theflophouse.simpletix.com, so you can just give out the URL flophouselive.com.

[1:49:23] This gentleman has done a nice thing for us on the occasion of our 400th episode, which is to account for the clumsy way in which we run some of our business and provide a simple solution that we can just give out, flophouselive.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:43] That was great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:43] That was great.

[1:49:44] I mean, I don't feel like we do things that are that clumsy around here.

[1:49:47] Hey, everybody, did you hear the tale about the guy who bought a URL for the Flophouse?

[1:49:54] It really helped us out.

[1:49:56] Or the Flophouse.

[1:49:57] A teapot has a spout, and if you want to pour the tea out of the teapot, you got to use the spout.

[1:50:04] In fact, if I was going to spin a hypothetical scenario in which I was a teapot, short and stout, I would say, here is my handle.

[1:50:13] Instructional song about tea.

[1:50:14] Here is my spout.

[1:50:15] So what you're going to do is put the water.

[1:50:17] Stuart has died, so I'm going to keep going.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:21] This one is from Nolan, last name withheld.

[1:50:23] Who writes?

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:24] Nolan?

[1:50:24] Christopher Nolan, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:27] Hello.

[1:50:27] For years, I've listened to podcasts at 1.5 speed and with shortened silences.

[1:50:33] That way, I can get to all the podcasts I'm subscribed to.

[1:50:36] Recently, I found myself even more in awe than usual at how quickly the peaches, that's us, were coming up with bits.

[1:50:42] Besides remembering your skilled editing and genuine quickness, I found that slowing back down to one time speed has made me feel less inadequate.

[1:50:50] I've also gotten to the habit of turning on subtitles when watching movies or TV helps me catch all the dialogue.

[1:50:56] Recently, I noticed that the subtitles often ruin the timing of jokes.

[1:51:00] Yes.

[1:51:00] So I started turning subtitles off for comedies, and my enjoyment has been restored.

[1:51:04] Do any of you have any watching habits that inadvertently lessen your enjoyment of what you're watching?

[1:51:09] Thanks for making my favorite podcast.

[1:51:10] Nolan, last name withheld.

[1:51:11] Before we get into this, I would argue that the lesson that you learned about subtitles ruining comedy can be applied to maybe the timing and removing pauses from a comedy podcast isn't necessarily listening to it the best.

[1:51:28] Although we are glad that you listened to us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:29] As someone who listens to all his podcasts at double speed, I disagree.

[1:51:33] Oh, really?

[1:51:34] I like it fast.

[1:51:35] And whenever I put it back to single speed, everyone sounds old and slow.

[1:51:42] And then I put double speed, and I'm like, oh, they're so fast on their feet.

[1:51:45] They're so smart and young.

[1:51:46] This is what I want to hear.

[1:51:46] And then I put down at single speed, and I'm like, oh, they're just reminding me now that we're all slowly shuffling off this world coil.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:54] You put on normal speed, and it's like, no dogs allowed.

[1:52:01] Yeah, I have this habit called looking at my phone.

[1:52:05] Yeah.

[1:52:06] And that ruins everything, including my mental health.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:11] That's why, I mean, like, I, you know, Elliot being someone who has no free time and thus lashes out at those of us who do, makes fun of me for his making a face.

[1:52:24] I wouldn't say lashes out.

[1:52:26] I'm going to hit you with a whip or a writing pro.

[1:52:29] He makes fun of me for how many movies I see in the theater.

[1:52:32] But, you know, part of that is I enjoy forcing myself to pay attention because I do know that at home.

[1:52:38] Oh, yeah.

[1:52:38] A lot of what I watch, like, you know, and it plays so much better if I'm actually paying attention, you know, in the theater, along with other people enjoying it rather than me at home with my phone just wiling out the way that hours till death.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:55] I really loved the first season of Yellow Jackets, and the second season I didn't like as much.

[1:52:59] But it was also probably because I had to work while watching it.

[1:53:02] So it would be like there'd be times when not on TV or film projects, don't worry, but where at times where my wife would be sitting watching it and I'd be kind of like half watching it because I'm busy typing something up.

[1:53:12] And I wouldn't be surprised if it's not the show's fault that I didn't enjoy it as much, but my fault, yeah.

[1:53:18] Yeah.

[1:53:19] I think I find similarly when I binge television shows, it hurts my enjoyment of those shows.

[1:53:25] That I find that it just becomes kind of like an endless TV sludge as opposed to like, and I get tired of it faster than if I like space things out.

[1:53:34] I certainly, I've been trying to catch up on I Think You Should Leave, and that is a show that benefits from a little bit of time between episodes since the sketches are so similar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:43] Yeah.

[1:53:43] I mean, I watched it all in one big glop, but I did watch it at a watching party with a bunch of people, and that was, watching that show with a big group is really fun.

[1:53:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:54] This all reminds me, of course, we, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:56] Well, Josh's celebrity dog breathes heavily the whole time.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:00] We, we would be remiss to not take this opportunity to make fun of our friend, Jubin Parang.

[1:54:08] Sure.

[1:54:08] Who complained that the movie Alien wasn't scary enough, and then we learned that he was watching it at two times speed or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:16] Well, I don't know if the two things are related.

[1:54:18] So, Jubin, who has joined us for our Flop Tales role-playing episodes, he, we found out that he watches movies at two times speed with the captions on because he doesn't have time for all that.

[1:54:27] He was complaining about Alien.

[1:54:28] He was like, how am I supposed to know it's scary when there's scenes with no music in the background?

[1:54:33] How am I supposed to know how I'm supposed to feel during those moments?

[1:54:35] And I'm like, are you a monster?

[1:54:37] Like, I don't understand.

[1:54:38] But, yeah, he, he would, he'd be like, oh, yeah, I watch everything at two times speed with the captions on.

[1:54:43] So, I don't actually listen to it.

[1:54:43] I'm like, this is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:44] When I go to a restaurant and I look at all the menu items, if nobody tells me that they're yummy, I don't know if they're going to be yummy or not.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:51] And I need it at two times speed.

[1:54:52] I want a conveyor belt to just, like, drop it into my mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:55] Well, I don't have time to eat.

[1:54:56] So, you know what I'm going to do is I'm going to take the actual food and I'm going to put it into, like, a trash compactor.

[1:55:01] And so, it becomes, like, a little Wally cube nugget.

[1:55:04] And then I'm just going to throw that in my mouth.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:06] You know.

[1:55:06] That's, this cube is pheasant under glass and a raspberry rhubarb compote.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:13] Ooh, that sounds good.

[1:55:14] Let me have that single bite.

[1:55:16] Is the glass in the cube?

[1:55:17] The glass is still in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:17] It got crushed when it got turned into a cube.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:20] I know.

[1:55:20] Because right now I don't feel the need to.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:23] The pieces are, like, the cube, the pieces are so small at this point.

[1:55:26] You're not even going to taste that glass.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:27] No, I mean, if, now, normally, when I have to kill the creepy crawlies in my tummy, I'd swallow that glass down.

[1:55:32] But right now I don't, I think that's not what I need.

[1:55:34] So, can I get the pheasant under glass without the glass?

[1:55:36] All right.

[1:55:37] I mean, it's your.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:37] Yeah, I don't know if we do subs.

[1:55:39] It's going to take three hours.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:40] Let me talk to the chef.

[1:55:42] Outrageous.

[1:55:42] Let me talk to him.

[1:55:44] Don't come into my restaurant and ask for substitutions.

[1:55:47] Now, this next one has cyanide in it.

[1:55:49] Can I get it without the cyanide?

[1:55:51] Get out of my restaurant.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:53] He put some salt in the cyanide.

[1:55:56] Worst of all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:00] He didn't even take a bite of the cyanide before he put salt on it.

[1:56:03] That shows a distrust of the chef.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:05] Let's recommend movies.

[1:56:07] The last thing we do on this.

[1:56:09] Okay.

[1:56:10] I'm putting my foot down.

[1:56:10] We're not doing that anymore.

[1:56:12] A real break with tradition.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:13] It's been 400 episodes.

[1:56:15] Enough of this.

[1:56:17] How many movies are we going to recommend to these people?

Dan McCoy

[1:56:19] That's why we can't have the extra salt because Ellie gets too salty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:23] No, this is the part.

[1:56:24] When I was a teenager, they called me a salt teen.

[1:56:28] And if I was an Angelina Jolie movie, that's right.

[1:56:30] I would be Gia.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:33] I don't care what anyone says, Ellie.

[1:56:35] You have not lost a step.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:38] You can't lose what you don't have.

[1:56:40] Dan, what do we do with this part of the podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:56:41] This part is where we recommend a movie that we maybe liked unironically in this case.

[1:56:48] Often, if it's a movie we didn't enjoy at all that we covered, a movie that we would say, watch instead.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:54] In this case, we're saying do it as a double feature.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:56] Yeah.

[1:56:57] Cue up some Troll 2 and then watch one of our recommendations.

[1:57:01] I'm going to recommend a little indie movie called Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny.

[1:57:06] Don't step on my pun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:08] That was a good joke that Stuart – I love that Dan just pushed his way through Stuart's interruption.

[1:57:14] He had to get it out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:16] No, what were you going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:18] I was going to say you can watch all three of our recommendations and Troll 2 as like a classic Dan McCoy movie.

[1:57:25] Yeah, yeah.

[1:57:27] He's got so much damn time on his hands.

[1:57:28] I don't do that.

[1:57:29] Obviously not worth fucking up your pun, Dan.

[1:57:32] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:32] Now, Dan, this is Indiana Jones and The Dial of Destiny is what you're going to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:35] Yeah, I wanted to say, look.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:38] Turn that dial to fun.

[1:57:41] Normally, I try to not recommend brand new things that are presumably going to do okay over the course of their time.

[1:57:52] But this movie is not actually doing that well, and I liked it.

[1:57:55] I liked it.

[1:57:55] I thought it was – it had a lot of like bad word of mouth before it came out, and reviews have been middling.

[1:58:03] But I really enjoyed it, and I know that a certain part of it is my love for the Indiana Jones series and growing up with them

[1:58:16] and growing up with Harrison Ford as the man I alternately wanted to be my gruff dad.

[1:58:24] I wanted to be myself.

[1:58:26] Maybe there's something sexual.

[1:58:28] I don't know.

[1:58:28] He's very handsome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:30] He is very handsome.

[1:58:30] Now, Dan, I don't mean to interrupt this very – what you're saying is actually kind of poignant.

[1:58:34] I don't want to interrupt, but it did sound like you said McGruff dad, and I'm just saying if someone wants to do a TV show where McGruff the crime dog is the dad, we will write that show.

[1:58:41] We will do it.

[1:58:41] Stewart, you play McGruff.

[1:58:42] We'll do it.

[1:58:43] But, Dan, continue.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:44] The part he was born to play.

[1:58:45] No, look, I know that part of it –

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:47] Yeah, when Stewart was born, they said – his mom said, is it a boy or a girl?

[1:58:51] And the doctor said, better.

[1:58:52] It's a McGruff.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:53] Mm-hmm.

[1:58:54] I know part of it is nostalgia, and part of it is like – there are those who will argue that, you know, Crystal Skull, with all its wackiness, like, you know, it has more like verve than this,

[1:59:05] which is like the kind of – feels a little bit along the safe sort of Force Awakens path of like, okay, you didn't like the other one.

[1:59:13] Let's make one that you're going to like.

[1:59:16] That being said, while Mangold is no Spielberg and, like, the most fun parts of Crystal Skull have more verve than, like, style destiny.

[1:59:27] I found this to be like – I don't know.

[1:59:30] I just didn't – like, Crystal Skull left a bad taste in my mouth.

[1:59:33] And this movie, I was like, yeah, that was fun.

[1:59:36] The taste of Crystal Light.

[1:59:37] It was nice for it to be 2023.

[1:59:41] And goddammit, I'm seeing my old pal, Harrison Ford, you know, whipping around up there on the silver screen.

[1:59:49] Just whipping around on the silver screen.

[1:59:50] Just whipping it out.

[1:59:51] I think it's – I think it's, you know, it's not perfect.

[1:59:56] I see the flaws.

[1:59:57] But I think it's a pretty good Indiana Jones adventure that I was happy to see.

[2:00:03] Indiana Jones?

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:04] Indiana Jones.

[2:00:05] The secretary for Mad Men.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:06] Indiana Jones Wilder.

[2:00:08] I would watch the fuck out of that.

[2:00:09] Indiana Jones.

[2:00:11] Yeah.

[2:00:12] Okay.

[2:00:13] So, on the other end of the spectrum, I'm going to recommend a movie that's doing pretty well at the box office that's also in the theaters.

[2:00:19] I'm recommending a movie called No Hard Feelings.

[2:00:21] The movie where Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar winner, is trying to fuck a kid.

[2:00:25] And it's – that's the plumbus of the movie.

[2:00:28] And it's a sex comedy.

[2:00:32] And relatively, like, light and kind of small.

[2:00:35] Well, how old is the kid?

[2:00:36] He's like –

[2:00:36] Yeah.

[2:00:37] He's 19.

Dan McCoy

[2:00:38] He's graduating high school, right?

[2:00:40] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:40] And his parents are Matthew Broderick and Laura Benanti.

[2:00:43] So, it's okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:00:45] I didn't realize that was a special dispensation.

[2:00:47] That's an exception in the laws.

[2:00:49] 19 part.

[2:00:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:50] So, it's got a lot of fun performances.

[2:00:54] The – yeah.

[2:00:55] It's funny.

[2:00:56] And Jennifer Lawrence is amazing.

[2:00:57] Like, she throws her whole self into this movie.

[2:01:00] It's silly.

[2:01:01] It's funny.

[2:01:02] It's a little bit sweet.

[2:01:04] But I feel like it doesn't necessarily go in the exact direction that you expect it to.

[2:01:08] Or maybe you do.

[2:01:08] I don't know.

[2:01:09] I'm not a genius.

[2:01:10] But, yeah.

[2:01:11] If you're looking for – if you're interested in watching a comedy that is for adults, I guess, it's fun.

[2:01:21] It's fun.

[2:01:22] It's a sex comedy.

[2:01:23] Come on.

[2:01:23] It's fun.

[2:01:25] Come on.

[2:01:25] It's not for Elliot.

[2:01:26] It's no Elliot.

[2:01:27] Come on, Elliot.

[2:01:28] Look.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:28] Check your balls at the door and just go see the movie.

[2:01:31] Yeah.

[2:01:32] The – I'm going to – I'm going to see both of those movies.

[2:01:35] I may not see them both in the theaters.

[2:01:36] But off to recommendations.

[2:01:37] And Dina Jones, I was already going to see.

[2:01:39] And the other one, what is it?

[2:01:41] Updose.

[2:01:41] No Hard Feelings.

[2:01:42] Oh, yeah.

[2:01:42] No Hard Feelings.

[2:01:42] I can never remember the name of it.

[2:01:43] I referred to it in conversation recently as Sorry Not Sorry, which is a good name for a movie.

Dan McCoy

[2:01:47] It's an erection pun.

[2:01:49] That's all you have to remember.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:51] Oh.

[2:01:52] Yeah.

[2:01:52] There you go.

[2:01:53] Oh, I get it.

[2:01:54] I get it.

[2:01:56] I get – okay, movie.

[2:01:57] I see what you're doing.

[2:01:58] A little naughty.

[2:01:58] Oh, it's a bit of a devilish –

[2:02:00] It's a little naughty.

[2:02:00] It's a little entendre.

[2:02:01] Interesting.

[2:02:02] There's not just one entendre here.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:04] How rippled.

[2:02:04] And it's also like a lot of comedies.

[2:02:07] The marketing is not particularly good for it.

[2:02:10] I think it's –

[2:02:10] Yeah.

[2:02:10] And the trailer would make you believe.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:13] Yeah.

[2:02:13] So –

[2:02:14] Comedies are hard to market.

[2:02:15] You've recommended some new movies.

[2:02:16] I'm going to recommend an old movie.

[2:02:17] So we're recording this.

[2:02:19] Yeah.

[2:02:19] Shock.

[2:02:20] Kale Surprise.

[2:02:22] We're recording this just a few days after the passing of Alan Arkin.

[2:02:26] This will be old news.

[2:02:27] When you finally listen to this episode, we're recording ahead of time.

[2:02:29] But it is new news for us.

[2:02:31] And so I wanted to recommend my favorite –

Dan McCoy

[2:02:33] New news is good news, Elliot.

[2:02:36] New news is good news.

[2:02:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:37] And it's just long enough that most people will have already forgotten about who Alan Arkin is

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:42] until they do a sequel to Little Miss Sunshine where they have like a CGI version of Alan Arkin.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:48] I mean the character –

[2:02:48] Because the words sound alike.

[2:02:49] The character dies in Little Miss Sunshine.

[2:02:51] So I don't know how he's going to be in the sequel.

[2:02:52] Yes.

[2:02:53] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:02:54] Littler Miss Sunshine.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:57] It's called Big Miss Sunshine.

[2:02:58] It's about her as a grown-up.

[2:02:59] Yeah.

[2:03:01] Okay.

[2:03:01] Sorry.

[2:03:02] So –

[2:03:02] But it's interesting you bring it up because this movie also has the word little in it.

[2:03:05] It's my favorite Alan Arkin movie.

[2:03:07] He's only in one scene.

[2:03:07] It's called Little Murders.

[2:03:09] This is a movie Alan Arkin directed.

[2:03:11] And he has one scene that I think is great as a paranoid police detective.

[2:03:15] Little Murders.

[2:03:16] It's from 1971.

[2:03:17] It's based on the Jules Pfeiffer play of the same name.

[2:03:20] Same name also.

[2:03:21] It's the name and same name.

[2:03:24] It's based on Bill Nye, the science guy.

[2:03:26] And so it stars Elliot Gould and Marsha Rod.

[2:03:29] And it is the darkest of dark comedy satires.

[2:03:33] Yeah.

[2:03:33] It's the satire that is – I find very funny but it is also very bleak in its ending.

[2:03:38] So it is hard-hitting satire.

[2:03:40] All about life in New York especially but in America in general in the late 60s, early 70s when it seems like all hope had been lost by humans living in the United States.

[2:03:51] You think our time is bad.

[2:03:52] It was bad back then too.

[2:03:54] And it is also a love story.

[2:03:57] It's in some ways a tragic love story but in other ways a satirical love story.

[2:04:00] And it is just one of the – I feel like one of these classic New York is collapsing movies.

[2:04:07] And I think Alan Arkin did a great job directing it.

[2:04:09] It feels in many ways very of its time but of its time in a really good solid way.

[2:04:15] And so to remember that he was not just a great performer, not just adept to both comedy and drama but also it could be a really good director.

[2:04:23] I would say take a look at Little Murders.

[2:04:25] I would say do not read a plot summary of the movie because I found that plot summaries of the movie for some reason give away a thing that happens two-thirds of the way through the film and is a big plot moment.

[2:04:36] So just if you want to watch a kind of bleak satire of life in New York in the 70s, then Little Murders is the one for you.

Dan McCoy

[2:04:44] Well, speaking of things like Troll 2 that scarred me as a young person, I think I saw Little Murders on A&E when I was like 12 or 13 and it very much disturbed me.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04:54] Yeah, this is one – I think somebody else wrote to my kids when maybe they're in their 20s.

[2:04:59] Like this is not one to watch in the – if someone is old enough that you're hiring Jennifer Lawrence to have sex with them,

[2:05:05] then they can watch Little Murders.

[2:05:07] But younger than that, I would say don't do it.

Dan McCoy

[2:05:09] That's like the thing around the amusement park ride.

[2:05:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:13] You must be tall enough that your parents are hiring Jennifer Lawrence to get you out of your shell.

[2:05:17] And if you are old enough that you're using a dial of destiny to de-age yourself, you might be too old for this movie.

[2:05:22] You know?

Dan McCoy

[2:05:25] Well, that's been it.

[2:05:27] That's 400, guys.

[2:05:28] Well, here is, you know, to 400 more or when we all hate each other, whichever comes first.

[2:05:34] Or you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:35] More than 400 more.

[2:05:36] Lately, I've gotten very sentimental on episodes where I talk about how excited I am that we own this,

[2:05:42] that this is our show that we own and we can do whatever we want with it.

[2:05:45] It is just us, unfiltered, unfortunately, speaking to the rest of the world.

[2:05:49] And there's nothing stopping us from doing this for another 400 or more episodes.

[2:05:53] We can do this until the day I drop dead with a microphone in my hand talking about –

Dan McCoy

[2:05:57] Singing a song, presumably.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:58] You're singing a song about the topless shot in just one of the guys when I'm in my 90s when it's no longer cute anymore.

[2:06:05] And this is kind of weird and creepy, although it probably already is.

[2:06:08] So thank you so much.

[2:06:10] Before Dan says his official goodbye, I want to say thank you again to the listeners who have been with us for so much of this time.

[2:06:15] Whether you've been with us for a month or 16 years, we really appreciate you.

[2:06:20] And we love that you're there for us.

[2:06:22] And we're going to keep doing this as long as you want to keep hearing it.

[2:06:25] So thank you very much for keeping us going all this time and being there for us.

Dan McCoy

[2:06:29] Yes, I echo those thanks.

[2:06:31] And I also want to thank our producer, Alex Smith, for making us sound good on this episode.

[2:06:39] I want to thank our network, Maximum Fun, which helps us out in myriad ways.

[2:06:45] If you want to check out the other podcasts on the network, go to MaximumFun.org.

[2:06:51] And, wow, we did it.

[2:06:54] Whatever it was, it was done.

[2:06:56] You can't argue that it happened.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06:58] It was it.

Dan McCoy

[2:06:59] Yeah, we did it.

[2:07:01] And now we're here.

[2:07:02] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07:05] Yeah, so I want to thank Dan McCoy for being my rock in times of trouble.

[2:07:10] I want to thank Elliot Kalin for always, you know, always forcing me to, like, look a little bit beyond myself.

[2:07:16] I want to thank all my haters out there for being wimps.

[2:07:19] Yeah, so I've been Stuart Wellington, and I always will continue to be.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07:24] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[2:07:26] And next episode, we're going to have some new rebranding on me.

[2:07:29] I think that the second 400 episodes, I'm going to be a new character with a new name.

[2:07:32] So stay tuned and see if I remember this bit when we record the next episode and have a new character to bring up.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07:40] Bye!

[2:07:44] So Dan, I brought this Alf magnet off of your, uh...

[2:07:59] Now, why does Alf's football uniform, because he's dressed up as a football player, why does it say Shumway on the front of his jersey?

[2:08:07] Like, that's his team?

[2:08:08] That's the team?

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:10] Well, maybe he's, maybe it's his team.

[2:08:12] Maybe it's a family team.

[2:08:13] Yeah, but like, so the team he's on is called Shumway?

Dan McCoy

[2:08:17] Plays for the Shumways.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:18] He plays for the Shumways, and he is a Shumway.

[2:08:21] Um...

[2:08:22] We can go your way, or we can go Shumway.

[2:08:25] There's a right way to do it, and a Shumway to do it.

[2:08:29] Maximum Fun.

Dan McCoy

[2:08:30] A work-run network.

[2:08:31] Of artist-owned shows.

S4

[2:08:33] Supported directly by you.

Ep. #400 - Troll 2

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