FH Mini 96 - The Flop House Autofill Interview

[0:00] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:07] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:08] I'm Elliot Kalin. That's my name.

Dan McCoy

[0:10] And primarily, The Flophouse is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[0:15] But every other week, we bring you these slightly shorter, often almost as long, mini-episodes, which are more freeform.

[0:24] We get to do what we want to do, and this week was my turn to head up this mini.

[0:31] Okay.

[0:32] And a little backstory.

[0:34] So here in the U.S., we just celebrated New Year's.

[0:43] That is New Year's specific.

[0:44] Here, across the world, people celebrated Christmas.

[0:47] I was at home.

[0:49] There's a lot of travel.

[0:50] A lot of travel going on, a lot of holiday stuff going on.

[0:53] And I've been sick, more importantly, for a month.

[0:59] I've been sick for a month.

[1:00] You may hear some evidence of that on this podcast.

[1:05] We recorded another episode before this one.

[1:08] I've been writing my cough block pretty hard to try and cut out coughs from the—

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] Oh, so you're saying you're ill.

[1:16] You're not just sick of the woke agenda.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] Stuart, you know that we're all part of the woke agenda.

[1:25] My point is, I've had this—I can get into the ailments, no one cares.

[1:30] I've been feeling lousy.

[1:31] So I was like, what is the lazy man's mini?

[1:36] What can I do to have another entity do most of the work for me?

[1:44] And I thought—

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] I mean, lazier than when you just described Enormous Johnson t-shirts to us.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] That took a lot of research.

[1:51] I had to search out those t-shirts.

[1:54] You know, come up—anyway.

[1:56] So this is—I started thinking about those Google autofill interviews they do with celebrities.

[2:05] Now, this, of course, is something that we will not get sued for stealing because this is a podcast and we're not celebrities.

[2:14] So I feel like it's different enough that I can borrow and see—I was going to see—let's see.

[2:21] I don't even—I don't really even know what you're talking about.

[2:23] Tell me about it.

[2:24] Well, you know, it's like—let's say it's Hugh Grant.

[2:27] A lot of the best ones have Hugh Grant.

[2:29] Sure.

[2:29] And they—

[2:31] Star of the Dungeons & Dragons movie.

[2:33] Yeah, yeah.

[2:33] Or Wonka.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] Lair of the White Worm, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Yeah.

[2:36] The trilogy.

[2:37] Wonka, Dungeons & Dragons, Lair of the White Worm.

[2:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] I'm trying to keep it to things that we might have done one of these for.

[2:43] But you type into Google, like, does Hugh Grant—I was trying to remember.

[2:54] We were talking about who we were talking about.

[2:55] Does Hugh Grant—

[2:55] Does Hugh Grant feet?

[2:57] And then Google will supply frequently asked questions, you know, like, based on other people.

[3:04] It will suggest, like, what—they'll try to predict what question you were going to ask about Hugh Grant.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] Yeah.

[3:09] If it was my phone, it would be like, how much protein in a Hugh Grant?

Dan McCoy

[3:14] Exactly.

[3:14] Stuart knows exactly.

[3:16] So I did this for us.

[3:18] And so I'm going to ask you guys some questions.

[3:21] And bear in mind that we are not celebrities.

[3:25] We are, at best, notable internet personnel.

[3:28] Yeah, we're like internet micro—

Stuart Wellington

[3:29] Can we be internet micro-celebrities?

[3:31] Or is that a different—

[3:33] Sorry, what?

[3:34] Internet micro-celebrities.

[3:35] Is that us?

[3:36] Or is that something else?

[3:37] I think we're even micro-er than that.

[3:38] I think we're internet nano-celebrities.

Dan McCoy

[3:40] Cool.

[3:41] So because of that, these autofill things might be a little more bizarre in general.

[3:48] No, it's cool.

[3:49] Why not?

[3:49] Let's find out.

[3:50] You're the lazy man.

[3:51] This is your minute.

[3:52] I'm going to ask Elliot, first off, for a question.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] Is Elliot Kalen still alive?

[3:58] It doesn't feel like it a lot of days.

[4:02] I mean, what is life, really?

[4:04] Technically.

[4:05] In a spiritual sense.

[4:07] Yeah, in the George Harrison sense.

[4:08] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[4:10] Okay, interesting.

[4:11] It's good to know.

[4:12] I'm glad to hear that you're still with us, Elliot.

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:16] I'm going to ask Stuart.

[4:17] Is Stuart Wellington still alive?

Stuart Wellington

[4:25] I don't—I think so, yeah.

[4:27] I mean—

[4:27] Do you check your pulse?

[4:29] I mean, I haven't checked my pulse in a while, and I don't know—

Dan McCoy

[4:33] But you do every morning when you wake up, right?

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] If you mean by checking my pulse, do I roll over and look at my phone?

[4:42] Yeah, that's what happens.

[4:43] The pulse of the world.

[4:44] Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming I'm alive.

[4:47] There's a chance that, like—

[4:49] There's a chance this is a simulation, right?

Dan McCoy

[4:51] There is a chance that this is a simulation, but—

[4:53] There's a chance, like, I'm just sitting on a chair at the end of Brazil.

[4:56] I think that you're still kind of alive.

Elliott Kalan

[4:58] But also, nothing changes if it's a simulation.

[5:00] You would still be a—

[5:02] Exactly.

[5:03] Let's say as a self-aware thing, but if I'm programmed to just think I'm self-aware, then you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] Forget it.

[5:09] Then you're basically alive at that point.

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:11] I remember when I was a teenager, and I took—I was taking LSD, and I remember I made the decision to—

[5:18] I love this.

[5:18] Oh, when did you take it to?

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] To the police?

[5:21] You said, I found this at the bus stop, and I want you to take it, sir.

Dan McCoy

[5:23] I certainly should have.

[5:25] I'm afraid of what it might do to me.

[5:27] Or an innocent.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] So after a long night of playing Killer Instinct, and I was playing Killer Instinct and watching Yahoo!

[5:34] Serious movies, I made the decision to drive home—

[5:36] Which one?

[5:38] Reckless Kelly and I think Young Einstein.

[5:40] There's only two, really, Dan.

[5:42] So you watched both of it.

[5:43] And I made the decision to drive home, and I'm like, I'm probably fine.

[5:48] I was totally not fine, because every time I turned a corner, I'm like, what if I died back there?

[5:53] I'm the ghost of Stuart driving a scar.

[5:55] Well, so that's what I'm saying.

[5:57] Long story short, I wish I was back in that basement playing Killer Instinct.

Dan McCoy

[6:01] Long story short, this could all be a Twilight Zone episode, and you're going to realize this.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] Yeah, this is an occurrence in the basement playing Killer Instinct by Ambrose Beers.

[6:10] We should TM this shit so that Black Mirror doesn't steal it, because this is good.

[6:13] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] So moving back to the questions, we'll go back to Elliot.

[6:17] Here's a question.

[6:18] Sure, yeah.

[6:19] Is Elliot Kalin married?

Elliott Kalan

[6:21] Yes, Elliot Kalin is married.

[6:22] I've been married since 2010, and I continue to be and will remain so.

Dan McCoy

[6:27] Very happily.

[6:27] Okay.

[6:28] So stop hitting on me, Google.

[6:30] I think we have evidence of that, because we were both at your wedding, so your story checks out.

[6:34] We watched Piranha 3D, right?

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:36] I mean, not at the wedding.

[6:37] Well, not at the wedding.

[6:38] It was earlier that day.

[6:39] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[6:39] We watched Elliot clutch a chair panicking.

[6:43] I was buffing it around.

[6:45] Yeah, that's for sure.

[6:47] Okay.

[6:47] Well, Stuart, is Stuart Wellington married?

Stuart Wellington

[6:50] I am.

[6:51] That is a fact.

[6:52] Since 2011, in fact.

[6:54] I got married in Rincon, Puerto Rico.

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:58] And my wife and I own a couple of bars.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] It was a great wedding.

[7:01] We were also there.

[7:02] Yeah, we were also there.

[7:03] We were both there.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] Proof.

[7:04] Didn't watch Piranha 3D.

[7:05] That was the wedding where so much beer was poured into the pool at the hotel that the image at the bottom of the pool was no longer visible.

[7:14] Oh, dear.

[7:15] It was cloudy with beer.

Dan McCoy

[7:16] That does not sound right.

[7:19] Okay.

[7:20] Well, let's move on to – here's a question.

[7:23] Technically.

[7:24] When will Elliot – now, this is what I put in.

[7:28] When will Elliot – you know, then Google.

[7:31] When will Elliot –

[7:32] Die?

[7:35] Well, close.

[7:36] When will Elliot Kalin be released?

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] Ooh.

[7:41] I assume – I can only assume it's asking when will I be released from the demands of my children, which are the prison I'm currently encased in.

Stuart Wellington

[7:48] Can I add a prison of your own device?

[7:52] Very much a prison of my own.

[7:53] Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we try to procreate.

[7:56] Yeah, exactly.

[7:57] That's the thing.

[7:58] Like, I get it.

[7:59] Like, Dan's always complaining.

[8:01] He doesn't like wearing Jimmy hats.

[8:03] That's – yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:04] Just doesn't feel as good.

[8:06] And I get it, man.

Dan McCoy

[8:06] Constantly complaining about it.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] Just like the Katie Lang song, constant complaining.

[8:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Okay, well, here's one for Elliot.

[8:15] Sorry, for Elliot.

[8:16] Sorry, this one goes to Stuart.

[8:18] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:19] Stuart's kind of the Elliot of the podcast.

[8:20] I understand.

[8:21] That makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[8:23] Does Stuart Wellington still exist?

[8:27] Oh, shit.

[8:30] Oh, my God.

[8:30] I guess we were talking about that earlier.

Stuart Wellington

[8:31] That sounds like the type of shit that my brother would say to me when he's, like, trying to make me feel bad.

[8:37] Like, I get it.

[8:38] Like, I exist.

[8:39] I don't have to confirm.

Elliott Kalan

[8:42] I like that.

[8:43] So, this is how not famous we are is that Google is struggling to even confirm that we are things like this in the world.

[8:48] Yeah, Dan's computer started smoking while he was typing this shit in.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] Some question prompts came up with nothing.

[8:54] Wow.

[8:55] I had to really dig down.

[8:57] Yeah, juice the numbers.

Stuart Wellington

[8:58] I'm glad we're doing a normal-ass menu today.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:01] Not a silly buns one.

[9:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:04] Hey, it's 2024.

[9:05] Let's give ourselves a treat.

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] Yeah, this is our first episode in the new year.

Dan McCoy

[9:11] All those people who read Linda Holmes' very nice list are jumping on.

[9:15] Yeah, this is what they're trying.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] So, this is what Linda Holmes likes to listen to.

[9:21] She's going to release a new article.

[9:22] I disavow what I said.

[9:24] That is not the kind of thing I like to listen to from them.

Dan McCoy

[9:26] Dragging their Linda Holmes bookmark to the trash.

[9:30] No.

[9:32] Okay.

[9:33] Well, here's-

[9:33] It's a physical bookmark, but it's enormous.

[9:35] That's why you have to drag it.

[9:36] Here's an interesting autofill question.

[9:39] Google, obviously, was learning something by this point.

[9:42] Mm-hmm.

[9:43] And-

[9:43] Like a raptor.

[9:45] And the question is, what can Stuart Wellington do for Elliot?

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] Okay.

[9:50] Well, that's actually pretty interesting.

[9:52] So, once upon a time, I did provide a service for Elliot.

[9:56] When we would record, I would walk Elliot home, and I would be the, like, thuggish bodyguard.

[10:02] Because Elliot would dress nice because he was working at The Daily Show.

[10:05] I dressed terribly.

[10:07] And we would walk along, what was that, Atlantic Avenue?

[10:11] Yeah, Atlantic Avenue in the dead of night.

[10:13] Yeah.

[10:13] Dead of night.

[10:14] You know, all loopy from recording.

[10:16] I was probably, like, six beers deep.

[10:19] Mm-hmm.

[10:19] I was full of chicken.

[10:20] Elliot was full of chicken, and I would walk him home, and we'd, you know, share a chaste

[10:25] kiss on the cheek, and then I would go home with memories of podcasting.

Elliott Kalan

[10:31] And my wife, Danielle, was always very happy that she'd be like, Stuart's going to walk

[10:34] you home again tonight, right?

[10:35] Like, she was very worried about me.

[10:37] Oh, that's sweet.

[10:38] We almost never encountered another human being on those walks.

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] No.

[10:42] It's kind of wild.

[10:43] It was like those old cartoons with, like, the big dog Spike and then the little dog

[10:48] that is more fun.

Dan McCoy

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:52] More fun?

[10:53] I don't know.

[10:53] He's kind of irritating.

Stuart Wellington

[10:54] Yeah, but he's fun.

[10:56] What are you saying about Elliot, dude?

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Well, here's an interesting question Google has for Elliot.

[11:04] When will Elliot Kalen go to jail?

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] I certainly hope the answer is never.

[11:10] When are they going to capture you for your many crimes?

[11:12] Well, what crime do you think I would have committed that I would go to jail?

[11:15] And what would my sentence be?

[11:16] What crime do you think I'm likely to commit?

[11:18] And then tell me what crime would be most exciting for me to commit.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] Like, if it turned out I was a cannibal, that would be pretty exciting.

Dan McCoy

[11:25] Whoa.

[11:26] A crime that involves jail time.

[11:29] Because I'm trying to think of, like, what – I think there are very few crimes that you

[11:33] might plausibly commit knowingly.

[11:35] I think there's a chance that, like, con air style, you're committed for manslaughter.

[11:41] Like, you know, someone, like, you know –

[11:43] He gets in a barroom brawl.

[11:44] Yeah, yeah.

[11:45] I don't know if I'm trying to kill my hands or lethal weapons.

[11:46] I don't know if I'm trying to kill my hands or lethal weapons.

[11:47] Exactly.

[11:48] Yeah, yeah.

[11:48] And then –

[11:49] Yeah, that makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[11:52] I mean, I feel like some kind of white-collar crime makes the most sense, right?

[11:56] Mm-hmm.

[11:56] Well, that's what I was saying.

Dan McCoy

[11:57] Like, some kind of, like, maybe tax fraud.

[12:00] But I feel like you're a rule follower.

[12:02] You don't have any, like – you don't have any exciting –

[12:04] You might do it by accident.

[12:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:04] Yeah, he doesn't have any exciting addictions.

[12:06] Like, you're not, like, a gambler.

[12:07] Yeah, work on that.

[12:08] Okay, yeah.

[12:09] Maybe I'll work on some new vices.

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] Yeah.

[12:11] What should I get addicted to?

[12:12] Something that's real expensive, so I have to hide money, right?

[12:15] Like Bitcoin or some shit, right?

[12:16] You're addicted to Bitcoin.

[12:19] Might as well face it.

[12:20] You're addicted to Bitcoin.

[12:22] Bitcoin.

[12:24] Hi, I'm Robert Palmer.

[12:25] I'm here to talk to you about Bitcoin.

Dan McCoy

[12:27] You have to have money to buy all your monkey NFTs.

[12:33] Mm-hmm.

[12:34] If I – guys, if you don't even –

[12:36] Oh, no, my apes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] If I get addicted to apes, don't even let me go to jail.

[12:40] Just throw me out of a plane.

[12:43] Yeah.

[12:44] Or in a volcano or something.

[12:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] Well, speaking of jail, Google was also wondering,

[12:50] when does Stuart Wellington get out of jail?

Stuart Wellington

[12:53] Oh, man.

[12:55] Wow.

[12:57] I mean, that's something I got to work through with my therapist.

[13:00] First, he's got to get into jail.

[13:02] That's the hard part.

[13:03] Mm-hmm.

[13:03] That's what makes the calculations.

[13:05] You got to break it.

[13:06] The tattoo on my back of the jail's floor plan is almost done.

[13:10] Once that's done, I'm in there, baby.

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] I just need to get in there, make sure the warden lets me keep a hand mirror

[13:15] so I can read the map.

[13:17] Otherwise, I'd be fucked.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] That was such a fun, dumb show for a little while,

[13:22] and then they're like, oh, fuck it.

[13:24] We didn't have any plan for this show being successful.

[13:27] What do we do now?

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[13:29] Now, nobody noticed the map on his back when he was taking a shower

[13:33] or anything like that?

[13:33] Or did he have a fake back that he'd wear over his room?

[13:35] Well, the map was stylized in a way that I think it was—

Dan McCoy

[13:39] Oh, I see.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] Yeah.

[13:41] I feel like that's probably why I'm assuming a lot of studios or whatever

[13:46] are requiring you to be able to pitch out a full six seasons worth of show.

[13:51] Yeah.

[13:51] Because of prison break?

[13:53] They got burned once?

[13:54] Because of prison break, yeah.

[13:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:56] Like, oh, once they break out, there's really not a show anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] What if it turns out that all of Earth is in a giant space prison?

[14:03] Now they've got to break out of that.

[14:04] I mean, that rules.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] But it's—or else you're left with a situation like Yellow Jackets

[14:10] where the first season's great and then the second season's like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] Still haven't watched it.

[14:15] I want to watch it.

[14:16] The second season's okay, but it certainly does not have the—

[14:18] it doesn't have the same excitement that the first season has

[14:20] because it's a lot of, like, filling in gaps and things like that.

[14:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:24] There's no laugh-out-loud moment like there's no book club.

[14:28] The single best joke of a television show.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] But you do get an Elijah Wood musical number, right?

Dan McCoy

[14:37] That's true.

[14:38] So we're closing in on the end of the first half of this episode.

[14:43] Yikes.

[14:44] Before the commercials.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] I apologize.

[14:45] Anyone trying this show for the first time?

[14:48] Why?

[14:49] Yeah, this is good-ass shit.

[14:50] I'm keeping it.

[14:50] This is all cool.

[14:51] Oh, you're right.

[14:51] We've got to fake it until we make it.

[14:53] Guys, congratulations.

[14:54] You're welcome to everyone listening to the show for the first time.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] Be the great podcast that you want in the world.

[15:02] I hate to bring us down, but remember, this is not me.

[15:04] It's Google.

[15:06] Google wants to know, how will Elliot Kalin die?

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] Oh, so earlier when I guessed that, that was something that—

[15:13] I think it's likely to be a combination of one of three things.

[15:19] Either heart trouble from all the fatty food that I eat.

[15:22] Okay.

[15:23] Or perhaps it'll be like of old age, you know.

[15:31] Or it will be—

[15:33] Well, like too much old age makeup, like in my throat and your body just collapses.

[15:38] Or I'll put too much glue on my face to make my skin look wrinkly.

[15:41] And it'll—

[15:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:42] It'll be like Goldfinger.

[15:44] Your skin will suffocate, which is a thing that doesn't actually happen.

Elliott Kalan

[15:48] Sounds cool to me.

[15:49] No, I saw it in a movie once.

[15:50] I think it was called Goldfinger.

[15:52] Or I will—probably the most likely of these is that I'll probably die stopping a dinosaur from eating the newly risen Messiah.

[16:05] So that all—sacrifice myself so that all of humanity can live in a world of bliss.

[16:10] That sounds pretty good.

[16:11] The dinosaurs will, of course, have come back before then as either—

Dan McCoy

[16:14] Right, because the dinosaur Messiah brought them back.

[16:17] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[16:17] The dinosaur Messiah came—because dinosaurs came first, the dinosaur Messiah comes first.

[16:21] That makes sense to me.

[16:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:22] Time is cyclical.

Elliott Kalan

[16:24] Stuart, you would listen to the hell out of a band called Dinosaur Messiah, wouldn't you?

[16:27] Yeah, probably.

[16:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] All right.

[16:30] Well, we got one more before our ad break, and that is this.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] So we found out—

[16:36] Actually, to be answered—according to the questions you're listening to, I'll probably die in jail, right?

[16:42] Apparently.

[16:42] Yeah.

[16:43] Yeah.

[16:43] But it'll be saving the Messiah from a dinosaur in jail.

Dan McCoy

[16:46] We found out how Elliot Kalin will die.

[16:49] Google wants to know, how will Stuart Wellington be executed?

[16:53] Oh, wow.

[16:53] Wow.

[16:54] You don't get a natural death, apparently.

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] No.

[16:57] Probably a karate accident.

[16:59] That's not an execution.

[17:02] An execution?

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] I assumed that you're going to—it'll be like a Last Starfighter-type scenario, where you're so good at playing Warhammer, that the aliens who are living in a real Warhammer world take you up, but you're not really—

[17:15] No.

[17:16] Your skills from playing Warhammer don't translate to the battlefield.

Stuart Wellington

[17:18] Don't translate into actual battles, yeah.

[17:19] Yeah, and a Primark probably cut your head off, yeah.

[17:22] Whoa, a Primark does?

[17:23] An honorable death.

[17:27] That's like my buddy Steve Kostanski, front of the podcast, made that, what is it, that ABCs of Death bit where W is for Wish, where the kids are like playing with their He-Mans, and they're like, oh, awesome, I wish we had this for real.

[17:41] And they're in the real He-Man universe, and it sucks.

[17:43] Oh, no.

[17:43] That's good.

Dan McCoy

[17:45] Sounds good.

[17:46] I got to check that out.

[17:48] Okay, well, this podcast has sponsored—sponsors?

[17:53] Sponsors.

[17:53] Yeah.

[17:54] It had sponsors until they listened to the episode.

[17:57] And one of them is LumiLabs, Microdose Gummies.

[18:01] Perfect.

[18:02] Perfect for thinking up a mini concept.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] I am starting to think that LumiLabs was more involved with this mini than I originally thought.

Dan McCoy

[18:11] Microdose Gummies deliver perfect.

[18:14] Entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

[18:17] Elliot, in the current situation in Dan McCoy's body, I don't need LumiLabs.

[18:24] Everything is falling apart.

[18:26] I have a natural high, which is oxygen not getting to my brain because my bronchial tubes are choked off.

[18:35] But in happier times—let me share my personal experience with LumiLabs Gummies.

[18:41] And happier times, I would find that they help me relax, help me with creativity, help me sort of unwind at the end of the day.

[18:51] If any of that sounds like stuff that you might be interested in, you could get 30% off your first order, plus free shipping today at Microdose.com.

[19:00] With the promo code FLOP.

[19:02] Available nationwide.

[19:03] That is Microdose.com.

[19:05] Promo code FLOP for 30% off and free shipping.

[19:09] Microdose.com.

[19:10] Promo code FLOP.

[19:12] Elliot, I believe you have a few things to say.

Elliott Kalan

[19:14] I do.

[19:15] There's some—yeah, thank you.

[19:16] I do.

[19:17] There's some Flophouse stuff to promote.

[19:19] If you're enjoying this episode, and why wouldn't you, and you want a little bit more Flophouse today, and it's the day that this episode is released, Saturday, January 6th, you are in good luck.

[19:29] Because tonight, the night this episode is released, is the final episode of season one of FLOP TV.

[19:35] That is our online broadcast live one-hour show, where it's like a TV version of the Flophouse.

[19:41] Tonight at 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m. Eastern, we're going to be talking about Nuki, the second worst movie I've ever seen.

[19:50] What?

[19:51] It is—recently has become relatively famous online, but it is a movie that I've been talking about for a decade, I think now.

[19:59] And, oh, boy, is it bad.

[20:01] Dan Stewart, have not seen it before.

[20:03] We're going to talk about it.

[20:04] That's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6% panific.

[20:09] Just go to—

Dan McCoy

[20:10] I don't want to call the presentation I did for the show my magnum opus, but I've been just told that legally I have to.

[20:19] It's my magnum opus.

[20:20] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] Wow.

[20:22] That's theflophouse.simpleticks.com to buy tickets.

[20:27] Let's say you can't make it to watch it tonight live.

[20:29] That's okay.

[20:30] The video will be up pretty much the next morning to watch it.

[20:34] And if your ticket gets you access to that video, if you buy a season pass, then you get access to the videos of all of the episodes we've done.

[20:41] This has been a great six-episode flop TV season.

[20:44] I had a great time with it.

[20:45] The audience reaction has been really positive.

[20:47] I love seeing Dan and Stu do their presentations.

[20:51] Last episode, Stuart did a how-to-throw-a-party presentation that was—

Dan McCoy

[20:57] Hamax versus summer theme party, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Yeah, that was as imaginative as it was.

[21:04] Hard to parse exactly what the thinking was behind it.

[21:07] And so I can't wait for Dan's tonight.

[21:10] That's theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[21:12] Tonight is our Nuki episode live.

[21:15] Can't watch it live.

[21:16] That's okay.

[21:16] You can pick up the recording.

[21:17] Or if you haven't seen the episodes, get the season pass.

[21:20] You can watch all those recordings until the end of January.

[21:22] At the end of January, we're going to take those videos down, and we're going to recharge for a future season of Flop TV, probably in, like, the fall, I think.

[21:30] Yeah.

[21:30] Probably.

[21:31] Yeah.

[21:31] There's a reason that television takes time off in the summer.

[21:34] Or.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] We'll be all, like, old with, like, beards and ponytails and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] I mean, Dan already has a beard.

[21:40] Imagine having a beard.

[21:42] Dan's going to have a beard on his beard.

[21:44] So let's say watching us through your TV screen on your computer is not enough.

[21:48] Well, as you may have heard at the very top of the episode, we're going live.

[21:51] That's right.

[21:52] We are visiting four cities at the end of January for a Flophouse live tour.

[21:58] It's the Errors Tour.

[21:59] 24th's most exciting thing.

[22:02] We're going to be in Vancouver on January 24th talking about Cobra with Sylvester Stallone.

[22:07] The movie is with Sylvester Stallone.

[22:08] Sylvester Stallone will not be there.

[22:09] I don't want you to think we're talking with Sylvester Stallone.

[22:11] Or Willie.

[22:11] Or Willie show up, perhaps.

[22:13] He's done it before on this show.

[22:15] January 25th, we'll be in Portland talking about Cool as Ice.

[22:18] January 26th, we'll be in San Francisco talking about Gigli.

[22:21] And January 28th, we'll be in Los Angeles talking about Spawn, the movie that kicked off the superhero movie craze.

[22:29] And so, what did you say, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[22:31] Oh, no.

[22:31] I was just, I was chuckling because I was remembering, I think on a recent episode of Blank Check, they described John Leguizamo's performance as the most unpleasant performance ever in a film or something like that.

[22:45] And it really, truly is something to witness.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] Yeah, something not to witness with joy, but, you know, with something.

[22:51] So, again, that's January 24th, January 25th, January 26th, and January 28th.

[22:55] We'll be in four different cities.

[22:56] If you want to travel with us like a Grateful Dead fan or something like that, in a van, I mean, don't travel with us.

[23:01] You can go to the shows.

[23:03] Our flights are booked.

[23:04] Go to flophousepodcast.com slash events for all the information and links to the tickets for those.

[23:10] We hope to see you live at the show.

Stuart Wellington

[23:17] The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls.

[23:23] 911.

[23:24] My husband!

[23:25] It's my husband!

[23:26] Calm down, please.

[23:27] What about your husband?

[23:27] He loads the dishwasher wrong.

[23:30] Please help him.

[23:31] Please help me.

Elliott Kalan

[23:33] Where are you now, ma'am?

[23:34] At the kitchen table.

[23:35] I was with my dad.

[23:36] He mispronounced his words intentionally.

Stuart Wellington

[23:39] There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes.

[23:48] Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once.

[23:54] Only on MaximumFun.org.

S4

[23:57] Hi, this is Lori Kilmartin.

[24:01] And I'm Jackie Kation.

[24:02] And we have a podcast called The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun, and it's very exciting because what do we talk about?

[24:07] Comedy.

[24:08] Stand-up comedy.

[24:08] We both do stand-up comedy in half since the dawn of Christ.

[24:12] Well, Jackie.

[24:12] Is that offensive?

[24:14] It is offensive to me because you've aged me.

[24:17] We started in the late 80s, and we're still here.

[24:22] You can't kill us.

[24:23] So go to The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun and listen to that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:28] The Jackie and Lori Show.

[24:29] New episodes Monday.

[24:30] Only on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[24:37] So let's go back into the mini.

[24:40] Of course, there's one member of the flop house who has not been addressed so far.

[24:44] And his name is me, Dan McCoy.

[24:47] Oh, Dan, right, Dan.

[24:48] And if you recall now, the point of this whole endeavor was—

Stuart Wellington

[24:53] It's like a get-to-know-you thing, right?

Dan McCoy

[24:54] Well, there's that.

[24:55] But also, I was—

Stuart Wellington

[24:56] What was their point?

Dan McCoy

[24:57] Oh, to be lazy?

[24:59] Sick and tired.

[25:01] And I'm also sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[25:04] Beat us to the joke.

[25:06] So these are—

Elliott Kalan

[25:08] We got Dave Barry here with us?

[25:09] What's this all about?

Dan McCoy

[25:10] This is going to be autofill questions about Dan McCoy, but you are required to answer these questions about me.

[25:16] That's the—

[25:17] All right.

[25:18] To extend the laziness even further and to create a challenge for all of us, you have to answer these questions.

[25:25] So the first one here is, is Dan McCoy still alive?

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] I mean, that's fucking questionable based on this episode.

[25:33] Yeah, based on what we've been hearing, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:34] I think Stuart had a face on him originally where he's like, yeah, you know, I got this one.

[25:38] I know for certain.

[25:40] But now he seems a little—

[25:41] Okay, well, I guess the answer is TBD.

[25:46] I think Dan's still alive.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] I mean, he's clinging on there.

[25:49] But you know what?

[25:50] He's tough.

[25:51] I feel like if you had to talk about the Flophouse members, you would say Dan is the toughest member of the Flophouse.

[25:57] He handles adversity the best.

Dan McCoy

[26:00] He rolls with the punches.

[26:02] I have no complaint if there's any sort of discomfort or inconvenience or a mere change of plan.

[26:08] Yeah, the consummate professional.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Ready for anything?

[26:13] Smooth as ice and cool as a cucumber.

[26:15] Yeah.

[26:17] But the clock says 304 a minute ago.

Stuart Wellington

[26:20] Now it says 305.

[26:22] I don't know if I like this.

[26:23] Hold on.

[26:24] Let me talk about it for a while.

[26:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] Dan, it's good to roast you when you're sick

[26:31] because you're too sick to get really mad.

[26:32] Look, I came up with a mini.

Dan McCoy

[26:34] I was aware that there would be a certain amount of roasting involved in this last section.

[26:39] Sure, yeah.

[26:40] Okay, next question.

[26:41] It's cold out there.

Stuart Wellington

[26:42] He wants a little bit of heat.

[26:44] Might as well get roasted.

Dan McCoy

[26:45] Google wants to know, is Dan McCoy a real person?

Stuart Wellington

[26:51] Well, I think that's a good point because I think sometimes people on the internet confuse you for being different.

[26:59] Like the podcast persona and your real persona get muddy a little bit.

[27:05] Yeah.

[27:05] Because I think we, for instance, we give you shit on the podcast and in real life.

[27:11] And I think sometimes people on the internet are like, that gives me leeway to give Dan shit and you cannot do that.

[27:17] No, don't do that.

[27:18] You're allowed to.

[27:18] Don't do that at all.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] You are not allowed to do that.

[27:19] I mean, once you've, you know, established a rapport with me.

[27:23] Which is, you know, it takes some time.

[27:26] It takes a little time.

[27:26] It takes time.

[27:27] You have to give him treats.

[27:28] I gladly accept you.

Stuart Wellington

[27:29] Not the most welcoming.

[27:31] Very wary.

[27:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] You have to, you know, show Dan's a day.

[27:34] You have to let Dan sniff your hand to make sure you're not a threat.

[27:36] Eventually, I'll eat them right out of your hand.

[27:38] Yeah.

[27:38] The best way to approach Dan is to kneel to be at his level.

[27:41] Don't look him in the eye.

[27:42] He considers that a challenge.

[27:44] Scratch him.

[27:45] Let him sniff your hand and scratch him under the chin.

Stuart Wellington

[27:47] Not on the top of the head.

[27:48] Where I can see.

[27:49] And when Dan makes a show of dominance, you cannot run away.

[27:53] If you run away, you are going to be devoured.

[27:56] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] The only thing to do if Dan makes a show of dominance, which in his case is sighing particularly loudly, is the only thing you can do is roll over and pee on yourself just to show him that you're not a threat and that you understand he's the alpha.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Yeah.

[28:06] Now, here's a question Google was wondering about that I honestly am a little scared about what you're going to say in response to this.

[28:15] And here it is.

[28:16] Does Dan McCoy work?

[28:21] Does Dan McCoy work?

Stuart Wellington

[28:23] Well, so, I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[28:29] Pick your work.

[28:29] The thing is.

[28:31] Choose your words carefully.

[28:33] How do we define work?

Dan McCoy

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:37] Is it an exchange for goods or services for money?

[28:41] Because I think that I do qualify.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] Are we saying does he have – does he do an occupation or are we saying does he function?

Stuart Wellington

[28:52] Now, is work spelled with a O or an E?

[28:56] Just to know this guy this time.

[28:59] Well, Elliot, he has been your employee before.

[29:03] Well, I mean not –

[29:03] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[29:04] I mean I didn't employ him.

[29:05] I supervised him.

[29:06] I guess he's been your direct report, right?

[29:08] Yeah, that's true.

[29:09] And I will say that Dan often worked.

[29:12] Not always as much as I wanted him to.

[29:15] But certainly more than you wanted.

[29:15] Maybe sometimes more than you wanted.

Dan McCoy

[29:17] The entire staff of The Daily Show, let's be fair.

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] Well, I was going to say certainly more than other people who were also on the staff.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] And as my tenure extended there, the number of people who worked less than me grew.

[29:32] And my importance to the show arguably grew along with it.

[29:36] Yeah.

[29:36] But –

[29:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] So I would say, does Dan work?

[29:39] He works hard.

[29:40] Of course.

[29:41] He works hard for the money.

[29:42] So you better treat him right.

[29:44] Thank you.

[29:44] And pay him money, to be honest.

[29:46] He works hard for the money.

[29:47] You should pay him.

[29:48] Everyone should be paid.

[29:50] Just put $2 in an envelope, $2 cash, and mail it to Dan McCoy, care of Brooklyn, New York, USA.

[29:57] You want to just drop your address again?

Dan McCoy

[30:01] If you want to support me and the show, do it through maximum fun.

[30:05] But here we go.

[30:07] Here's an interesting question.

[30:09] Google seems to have some sort of apprehension about me that may or may not be true.

[30:13] It says, who will Dan McCoy play next?

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] Oh.

[30:19] Well, it knows you're an actor.

[30:20] You were in a college production of Hair.

[30:21] Was that it?

Dan McCoy

[30:22] Yeah.

[30:22] It was a college production.

[30:23] Sure.

[30:24] Yeah.

[30:24] I was in a lot of school productions.

[30:27] I have a couple of IMDb acting credits.

Stuart Wellington

[30:32] You played Santa Claus once on The Daily Show, right?

[30:36] So, Elliot, throw out some roles that you think Dan would be perfect for.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] Yeah.

[30:40] Well, here's the – so, clearly, the first role that comes to mind is, of course, Malvolio.

[30:46] I think Dan would make a great Malvolio, for sure.

Dan McCoy

[30:49] I could see that.

[30:50] Yeah, yeah.

[30:51] Obsessed with, like, what – my stockings?

[30:54] Yeah, exactly.

[30:54] Is that what the deal was?

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] I could also see Dan as kind of like a sophisticated devil in a smoking jacket who is, you know, tricking somebody in a –

[31:04] Yeah, I think you're just looking at my beard, but –

Stuart Wellington

[31:07] It is mostly – these are beard-based roles.

[31:09] I feel like if Dan put a little bit of gray in his hair and beard, he could pull off – I think he could be a good King Lear.

[31:16] But maybe I'm just trying to get him nude and smearing, like, ashes and mud all over his naked body.

[31:20] Oh, he would do great with that.

[31:22] He would do great with that.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] That sounds like a spa day.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] But I think also, maybe, Dan, stretch a little Blanche Dubois.

[31:29] Maybe it's time for you to play a part like that.

[31:31] You know, there's a certain vulnerability I think you can project.

Dan McCoy

[31:33] I've been resting on my laurels acting-wise for too long.

Stuart Wellington

[31:36] Now, the way I took the question –

[31:37] I feel like some roles that like – like some classic Michael Douglas roles Dan could pull off.

[31:43] Oh, yeah.

[31:43] Falling down fits Dan like a glove.

[31:45] Falling down.

[31:46] Come on.

[31:47] Disclosure.

[31:47] Fatal Attraction.

[31:48] No.

[31:48] Yeah, Fatal Attraction.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] Yes, for sure.

[31:51] Yeah.

[31:51] Any – basic instinct.

Stuart Wellington

[31:54] Anytime, Michael.

[31:54] It was fun to rewatch Fatal Attraction recently and be like, they're how much younger than me?

[32:00] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[32:03] But also, I took that not just as what role will Dan be playing, but you said who will Dan be playing next, right?

[32:09] Yes.

[32:09] Dan is a consummate con man who's always on the make and always on the job.

[32:13] Who's he going to be playing next?

[32:15] I mean, we won't know until they report to the newspapers that a devilish –

[32:19] Racontumer.

[32:20] A devilish, handsome and charismatic nobleman convinced him to transfer all his money to an account at the Bank of Gazovia for some made-up foreign kingdom.

[32:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] We're going to get angry emails from Gazovia saying they're not made up.

Dan McCoy

[32:37] You didn't suspect something when he showed up in a horse-drawn carriage?

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] Then immediately complained that he had to use the bathroom and ran into a building.

Stuart Wellington

[32:49] Okay, well –

[32:50] He does look a lot like the fellow I wrongfully imprisoned, but –

[32:54] Speaking of –

Dan McCoy

[32:56] Speaking of –

[32:58] The count of Dan DeCristoe, yep.

[33:00] Speaking of imprisonment, here's the next question.

[33:03] Uh-oh.

[33:04] When should Dan McCoy get Wellington out of jail?

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] I guess you want to let me stew on it.

[33:12] I know what I did.

[33:13] Dan, so you're saying all this time you've had the power to get Stuart out of jail and you have not done it?

[33:18] So this jail, did you brick him up in your basement?

[33:21] Is that what happened?

Dan McCoy

[33:21] When should I do it?

[33:23] So I've been waiting for the perfect time.

[33:25] Yes.

[33:26] When I think Stuart has learned his lesson.

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] Dan Venge is a dish best served cold.

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:30] I mean, he said he had an entire cask of Amontillado, right?

[33:34] The whole thing.

[33:36] I've never seen that in my life.

Elliott Kalan

[33:39] I love the idea that – someone certainly must have done this.

[33:41] The guy is bricked up in the wall and you just hear him yelling through the wall,

[33:44] but when do I get to see the Amontillado?

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] It's like I can't see as – it's closed.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] I can't see – it's too dark in here now.

[33:51] It's so dark in here.

[33:52] Is the cask here?

[33:53] Let me feel around for it.

[33:55] Is it on the wall?

[33:56] I'll start licking the wall.

[33:58] Oh, is there like – is this like an escape room?

[34:01] I think you bricked me up in the wrong room.

[34:03] You meant to brick me up into the room that had the Amontillado in it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] And that's how we, the viewers, are like, I can't why he's bricking him up.

[34:11] He's really annoying.

[34:12] Hello.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] Hello.

[34:14] Bricked up here.

[34:16] I don't like how this character is coded now.

[34:18] Okay.

[34:18] Fair, fair.

[34:19] Well, one – sorry.

[34:21] Go on.

[34:22] No, no.

[34:22] So, Dan, so you – so let's get back to the main issue,

[34:24] which is that you have imprisoned Stuart and you have the power to let him out.

[34:27] Well, we don't know that.

Dan McCoy

[34:28] We say when should – I mean, you know, maybe I'm the governor.

Elliott Kalan

[34:31] Or you could have the exculpatory evidence.

[34:32] Yeah.

[34:33] That proves he didn't do it.

[34:34] Sure.

[34:34] Or you could have the governor and you could have pardoned him.

[34:36] Yeah.

[34:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:38] That was why I've been waiting.

[34:41] You know, I'm waiting to be elected governor and it hasn't happened yet.

[34:44] That's fair.

[34:44] That's your strategy.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] You got to run for – you got to run for smaller offices first.

[34:47] Oh, that's how you do it.

[34:48] Yeah, you got to start on a state council, work your way up.

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] Of course, by the time you're governor, you're so busy on – focused on your presidential campaign

[34:55] that you kind of keep forgetting about Stuart.

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:57] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[34:58] Well, there's one last question, kind of related, and it's how does Dan McCoy get Wellington

[35:04] out?

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] That's a good question.

[35:08] Now, we've already talked about that cool tattoo I'm getting all over my back of the floor plan

[35:13] of the prison, and you would think that would be enough for me to get out, but they realize that

[35:17] the show needs more seasons.

[35:19] So I'm still stuck in that prison.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] Yeah, and Dan, I'm going to assume that, is about to sign the papers that are pardoning you

[35:25] when he's immediately arrested and indicted and kicked out of office for some crime on his own.

[35:31] Now he's in the prison with you is the problem.

[35:35] That's too bad, but I think we work better as a team, like on this podcast.

[35:41] Of course, the real problem is that when we zoom out and we see who's the warden of the jail,

[35:44] why, it's Elliot Kalin.

[35:46] Oh, no!

[35:46] What game is he playing?

[35:49] It's like the end of Deca Muck.

[35:51] Exactly.

[35:52] I go, ain't I a stinker?

[35:54] And then we come back in season two of Flop Break to find out what's going to happen next.

Dan McCoy

[35:59] Well, I think we've learned a lot of important things about one another today, and it was

[36:04] a great idea that I had.

[36:06] That was all from Google?

[36:07] Yeah, it was Google's idea.

[36:10] If you don't like this many, blame Google.

[36:14] Otherwise, if you did like it, why not leave us a review on iTunes?

[36:20] Positive review.

[36:21] Positive review.

[36:22] Tell your friends, don't put more negativity out there.

[36:24] If you don't like it, that's great.

[36:25] That's fine.

[36:26] It's not great.

[36:27] I mean, I'd like them to like it.

[36:29] No, I'd like it.

[36:29] I want you to want me.

[36:31] But if you don't, move on.

[36:32] But do you need them to need you?

[36:33] Move on.

[36:33] I don't.

[36:34] I don't need them to need you.

[36:34] Are you begging them to beg you?

[36:37] Well, I could.

[36:38] It depends on, you know, we'll see where our finances are at the end of the next Flophouse

[36:45] fiscal year.

[36:47] Anyway, yeah.

[36:48] If you could help us out.

[36:49] You know, does Dan McCoy work?

[36:51] The answer is yes.

[36:52] But right now, this is Dan McCoy's main job.

[36:55] So please, you know, be kind.

[37:00] Also, be kind by looking up Howell Dottie.

[37:04] That's our producer, Alex Smith.

[37:06] See what he does all over the internet.

[37:08] He's got Twitch streams.

[37:10] He's got his own podcast.

[37:11] I told him not to do it all over the internet.

[37:13] He's got to clean it off now.

Stuart Wellington

[37:14] He, yeah, he helped us out on our recent holiday flop fest Twitch stream we did.

[37:22] It was so much more professional.

Dan McCoy

[37:24] He gave us some important technical advice and he was off the clock when he did it.

[37:29] Thank you for that help.

[37:32] And thank you to Maximum Fun.

[37:34] Go to MaximumFun.org to check out other great podcasts from the podcasting network that helps

[37:42] bring you us, the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] And let's say you have a personal or even corporate message that you would like to associate

[37:48] with this kind of content and material.

[37:50] Go to MaximumFun.com slash Jumbotron and you can rent a little bit of space on the Flophouse

[37:55] for your message on the Flophouse Jumbotron.

Dan McCoy

[37:58] Yeah.

[37:58] It might surprise you, but we have a wide reach.

[38:02] So if that's a way that you might want to advertise, think about it.

[38:06] Think about it.

[38:06] Just check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] Perhaps you've heard of a little thing called Google.

[38:09] You have now because Dan's been giving it free advertising all episode.

[38:13] Let's talk about this when we're off mic, Dan.

[38:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[38:16] Well, let's get off mic by closing up shop here for this episode.

[38:20] Yeah, Mike doesn't want us on top of him anymore.

[38:22] Sorry, Mike.

[38:23] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[38:28] And I'm Google saying, who is Elliot Kalin?

[38:31] Me.

[38:33] Bye.

[38:34] Bye.

[38:41] Maximum Fun.

[38:41] A worker-owned network.

[38:43] Of artist-owned shows.

[38:45] Supported.

[38:46] Directly.

[38:47] By you.

FH Mini 96 - The Flop House Autofill Interview

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