FH Mini 96 - The Flop House Autofill Interview

[0:00] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:07] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:09] I'm Elliot Kalin. That's my name.

[0:11] And primarily, The Flophouse is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[0:16] But every other week, we bring you these slightly shorter, often almost as long mini-episodes, which are more freeform.

[0:24] We get to do what we want to do.

[0:27] And this week was my turn to head up this mini.

[0:32] And a little backstory.

[0:34] So here in the U.S., we just celebrated New Year's.

[0:43] That is New Year's specific.

[0:45] Here, across the world, people celebrated Christmas.

[0:48] I was at home. There was a lot of travel.

[0:50] A lot of travel going on. A lot of holiday stuff going on.

[0:53] And I have been sick, more importantly, for a month.

[0:59] I have been sick for a month.

[1:00] You may hear some evidence of that on this podcast.

[1:04] We recorded another episode before this one.

[1:08] I've been writing my cough block pretty hard to try and cut out coughs from the –

[1:14] Oh, so you're saying you're ill. You're not just sick of the woke agenda.

[1:18] Stuart, you know that we're all part of the woke agenda.

[1:23] My point is I've had this – I can get into the ailments. No one cares.

[1:30] I've been feeling lousy.

[1:31] So I was like what is the lazy man's mini?

[1:35] What can I do to have another entity do most of the work for me?

[1:45] Lazier than when you just described enormous Johnson t-shirts to us?

[1:49] That took a lot of research.

[1:51] I had to search out those t-shirts.

[1:56] Anyway, so this is – I started thinking about those Google autofill interviews they do with celebrities.

[2:05] Now this, of course, is something that we will not get sued for stealing because this is a podcast and we're not celebrities.

[2:14] So I feel like it's different enough that I can borrow and see.

[2:19] I was going to see – let's see.

[2:21] I don't even – I don't really even know what you're talking about.

[2:23] Tell me about it.

[2:24] Well, it's like – let's say it's Hugh Grant.

[2:27] A lot of the best ones are Hugh Grant.

[2:29] Sure.

[2:30] And they –

[2:31] Star of the Dungeons and Dragons movie.

[2:33] Yeah, yeah.

[2:34] Or Wonka.

[2:35] Yeah, Lair of the White Worm, sure, the trilogy.

[2:37] Wonka, Dungeons and Dragons, Lair of the White Worm.

[2:41] I'm trying to keep it to things that we might have done one of these for.

[2:44] But you type into Google, like, does Hugh Grant – I was trying to remember who we were talking about.

[2:55] Feet?

[2:56] Does Hugh Grant feet?

[2:57] And then Google will supply frequently asked questions based on other people.

[3:04] It will suggest like what – it will try to predict what question you were going to ask about Hugh Grant.

[3:09] Yeah, if it was my phone, it would be like how much protein in a Hugh Grant?

[3:14] Exactly.

[3:15] Stewart knows exactly.

[3:16] So I did this for us, and so I'm going to ask you guys some questions.

[3:21] And bear in mind that we are not celebrities.

[3:25] We are, at best, notable internet –

[3:28] Yeah, we're like internet – can we be internet micro-celebrities or is that a different –

[3:33] Sorry, what?

[3:34] Internet micro-celebrities.

[3:35] Is that us or is that something else?

[3:37] I think we're even micro-er than that.

[3:38] I think we're internet nano-celebrities.

[3:40] Cool.

[3:41] So because of that, these autofill things might be a little more bizarre in general.

[3:48] Cool.

[3:49] Why not?

[3:50] Let's find out.

[3:51] You're the lazy man.

[3:52] This is your day.

[3:53] I'm going to ask Elliot first off for a question.

[3:55] Is Elliot Kalin still alive?

[3:59] It doesn't feel like it a lot of days.

[4:02] I mean, what is life really?

[4:04] Technically.

[4:05] In a spiritual sense.

[4:07] Yeah, in the George Harrison sense.

[4:09] Yeah, sure.

[4:10] Okay.

[4:11] Interesting.

[4:12] That's good to know.

[4:13] I'm glad to hear that you're still with us, Elliot.

[4:15] Yeah.

[4:16] I'm going to ask Stuart.

[4:18] Is Stuart Wellington still alive?

[4:26] I think so, yeah.

[4:27] I mean –

[4:28] Do you check your pulse?

[4:29] I mean, I haven't checked my pulse in a while and I don't know –

[4:34] But you do every morning when you wake up, right?

[4:38] If you mean by checking my pulse, do I roll over and look at my phone?

[4:42] Yeah, that's what happens.

[4:43] The pulse of the world.

[4:45] Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming I'm alive.

[4:47] There's a chance that like – there's a chance this is a simulation, right?

[4:51] There is a chance this is a simulation.

[4:53] But there's a chance like –

[4:54] If that's true, then –

[4:55] I'm just sitting on a chair at the end of Brazil.

[4:57] I think that Stuart is alive.

[4:59] But also nothing changes if it's a simulation.

[5:01] Exactly.

[5:03] Let's say as a self-aware thing.

[5:05] But if I'm programmed to just think I'm self-aware, then you know what?

[5:09] Then you're basically alive at that point.

[5:11] I remember when I was a teenager and I took – I was taking LSD and I remember I made the decision –

[5:19] Or when did you take it to?

[5:21] To the police?

[5:22] You said, I found this at the bus stop and I want you to take it, sir.

[5:25] I certainly should have.

[5:26] I'm afraid of what it might do to me.

[5:27] Or an innocent.

[5:28] After a long night of playing Killer Instinct and I was playing Killer Instinct and watching Yahoo! series movies, I made the decision to drive home.

[5:37] Which one?

[5:38] Reckless Kelly and I think Young Einstein.

[5:41] There's only two really, Dan.

[5:42] So you watched both of it.

[5:43] And I made the decision to drive home and I'm like, I'm probably fine.

[5:48] I was totally not fine because every time I like turned a corner, I'm like, what if I died back there?

[5:53] I'm the ghost of Stuart driving his car.

[5:55] Well, so that's what I'm saying.

[5:56] Long story short, I wish I was back in that basement playing Killer Instinct.

[6:01] Long story short, this could all be a Twilight Zone episode and you're going to realize this.

[6:06] Yeah, this is an occurrence in the basement playing Killer Instinct by Ambrose Beers.

[6:10] We should TM this shit so that Black Mirror doesn't steal it because this is good.

[6:13] Okay.

[6:14] So moving back to the questions, we'll go back to Elliot.

[6:17] Here's a question.

[6:18] Sure, yeah.

[6:19] Is Elliot Kalin married?

[6:21] Yes, Elliot Kalin is married.

[6:23] I've been married since 2010 and I continue to be and will remain so.

[6:27] Very happily.

[6:28] Okay.

[6:29] So stop hitting on me, Google.

[6:30] I think we have evidence of that because we were both at your wedding.

[6:33] So your story checks out.

[6:34] We watched Piranha 3D, right?

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] I mean, not at the wedding.

[6:38] It was earlier that day.

[6:39] Yeah, sure.

[6:40] We watched Elliot clutch a chair panicking.

[6:43] He was buffeting around.

[6:45] Yeah, that's for sure.

[6:47] Okay.

[6:48] Well, Stuart, is Stuart Wellington married?

[6:50] I am.

[6:51] That is a fact.

[6:52] Since 2011, in fact, I got married in Rincon, Puerto Rico.

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:58] And my wife and I own a couple of bars.

[7:00] It was a great wedding.

[7:01] We were also there.

[7:02] Yeah, we were also there.

[7:03] We were both there.

[7:04] Didn't watch Piranha 3D.

[7:05] That was the wedding where so much beer was poured into the pool at the hotel that the

[7:10] image at the bottom of the pool was no longer visible.

[7:13] Oh, dear.

[7:15] Cloudy with beer.

[7:16] That does not sound right.

[7:20] Okay.

[7:21] Well, let's move on to...

[7:22] Here's a question.

[7:23] Technically.

[7:24] When will...

[7:25] When will Elliot...

[7:26] Now, this is what I put in.

[7:27] When will Elliot...

[7:28] Okay.

[7:29] Google.

[7:30] When will Elliot Cailin...

[7:31] Die?

[7:32] How close.

[7:33] When will Elliot Cailin be released?

[7:34] Ooh.

[7:35] I assume...

[7:36] I can only assume it's asking when will I be released from the demands of my children,

[7:37] which are the prison I'm currently encased in.

[7:39] And...

[7:40] Can I add a prison of your own?

[7:41] Very much a prison of my own.

[7:42] Oh.

[7:43] What a tangled web we weave when first we try to procreate.

[7:44] Yeah, exactly.

[7:45] That's the thing.

[7:46] Like, I get it.

[7:47] Like, Dan's always complaining.

[7:48] He doesn't like wearing Jimmy hats.

[7:49] That's...

[7:50] Yes, that's what I'm...

[7:51] It just doesn't feel as good.

[7:52] And I get it, man.

[7:53] Constantly complaining about Jimmy hats.

[7:54] I get it.

[7:55] I get it.

[7:56] I get it.

[7:57] I get it.

[7:58] I get it.

[7:59] I get it.

[8:00] I get it.

[8:01] I get it.

[8:02] I get it.

[8:03] I get it.

[8:04] I get it.

[8:05] I get it.

[8:06] I get it.

[8:07] I get it.

[8:08] I get it.

[8:09] I get it.

[8:10] I get it.

[8:11] I get it.

[8:12] I get it.

[8:13] I get it.

[8:14] I get it.

[8:15] I get it.

[8:16] I get it.

[8:17] A man who constantly complaining about...

[8:18] Just like the Katie Lang song, constant complaining?

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:20] Okay, well, here's one for Elliot.

[8:21] Oh, sorry.

[8:22] For Elliot.

[8:23] So, this one goes to Stuart.

[8:24] Oh, okay.

[8:25] Oh, okay.

[8:26] Stuart's kind of the Elliot of the podcast.

[8:27] I understand.

[8:28] Does Stuart Wellington still exist?

[8:29] Oh, shit.

[8:30] Oh, my God.

[8:31] I guess we were talking about that earlier.

[8:32] That sounds like the type of shit that my brother would say to me when he's trying to make

[8:35] me feel bad.

[8:36] Like, I get it.

[8:37] Like, I exist.

[8:38] I don't have to confirm.

[8:39] I like that.

[8:40] So, this is how not famous we are, is that Google is struggling to even confirm that

[8:41] we have things.

[8:42] Yeah, yeah.

[8:43] Dan's computer is smoking while he's typing this shit in.

[8:44] Some question prompts came up with nothing.

[8:45] So...

[8:46] Wow.

[8:47] I had to really dig down.

[8:48] Yeah, juice the numbers.

[8:49] I'm glad we're doing a normal-ass menu today.

[8:50] Yeah.

[8:51] And not a Silly Buns one.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:53] Hey, it's 2024.

[8:54] Let's do it.

[8:55] Let's do it.

[8:56] Let's do it.

[8:57] Let's do it.

[8:58] Let's do it.

[8:59] Let's do it.

[9:00] Let's do it.

[9:01] Let's do it.

[9:02] Let's do it.

[9:06] Hey, I think we're good.

[9:07] I think we're good.

[9:08] I think we're good.

[9:09] Let's give ourselves a treat.

[9:10] Yeah, this is our first episode of the new year.

[9:11] Yeah.

[9:12] All those people who read Linda Holmes' very nice list are jumping on and they're like...

[9:16] Yeah, this is what they're trying.

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:18] Huh.

[9:19] Huh.

[9:20] So, this is what Linda Holmes' list...

[9:21] She's got at least a new article.

[9:22] I disavow what I said.

[9:24] That is not the kind of thing I like to listen to from them.

[9:27] Dragging their Linda Holmes bookmark to the trash?

[9:29] No.

[9:30] Okay, well here's...

[9:32] It's a physical bookmark, but it's enormous.

[9:35] That's why you have to drag it.

[9:37] Here's an interesting, thoughtful question.

[9:39] Google, obviously, was learning something by this point.

[9:42] Mm-hmm.

[9:43] And...

[9:44] Like a raptor.

[9:45] And the question is, what can Stuart Wellington do for Elliot?

[9:49] Okay.

[9:50] Well, that's actually pretty interesting.

[9:52] So, once upon a time, I did provide a service for Elliot.

[9:56] And when we would record, I would walk Elliot home and I...

[10:00] It would be the like thuggish bodyguard

[10:02] because Elliot would dress nice

[10:03] because he was working at the Daily Show.

[10:05] I dressed terribly.

[10:07] And we would walk along, what was that, Atlantic Avenue?

[10:11] Yeah, Atlantic Avenue in the dead of night, yeah.

[10:13] Dead of night, you know, all loopy from recording.

[10:16] I was probably like six beers deep.

[10:19] I was full of chicken.

[10:21] Elliot was full of chicken and I would walk him home

[10:23] and we'd, you know, share a chaste kiss on the cheek

[10:26] and then I would go home with memories of podcasting.

[10:31] And my wife, Danielle, was always very happy

[10:33] that she'd be like,

[10:34] Stewart's gonna walk you home again tonight, right?

[10:35] Like she was very worried about me, so.

[10:37] Oh, that's sweet.

[10:38] We almost never encountered another human being

[10:41] on those walks.

[10:42] No, it's kind of wild.

[10:43] It was like those old cartoons

[10:45] with like the big dog Spike

[10:47] and then the little dog that is more fun.

[10:51] Yeah, more fun?

[10:53] I don't know, he's kind of irritating.

[10:55] Yeah, that means fun.

[10:56] What are you saying about Elliot, dude?

[11:00] Well, here's an interesting question Google has for Elliot.

[11:04] When will Elliot Kalin go to jail?

[11:08] I certainly hope the answer is not, never.

[11:10] When are they gonna capture you for your many crimes?

[11:12] Well, what crime do you think I would have committed

[11:14] that I would go to jail?

[11:15] And what would my sentence be?

[11:16] What crime do you think I'm likely to commit?

[11:18] And then tell me what crime

[11:19] would be most exciting for me to commit.

[11:21] Okay, a crime that-

[11:22] Like if it turned out I was a cannibal,

[11:24] that would be pretty exciting.

[11:26] A crime that involves jail time.

[11:29] Cause I'm trying to think of like what,

[11:31] I think there are very few crimes

[11:32] that you might plausibly commit knowingly.

[11:35] I think there's a chance that like con air style,

[11:39] you're committed for manslaughter.

[11:40] Like, you know, someone like, you know-

[11:43] He gets on a bar room brawl.

[11:44] Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

[11:45] His body's on your kid.

[11:46] I'd answer lethal weapons, exactly, yeah, yeah.

[11:48] And then-

[11:49] Yeah, that makes sense.

[11:52] I mean, I feel like some kind of white collar crime

[11:54] makes the most sense, right?

[11:56] Well, that's what I was saying,

[11:57] like some kind of like maybe tax fraud,

[12:01] but I feel like you're-

[12:02] You don't have any, like,

[12:02] you don't have any exciting-

[12:03] But you might do it by accident.

[12:04] Yeah, he doesn't have any exciting addictions.

[12:06] Like you're not like a gambler.

[12:07] Yeah, work on that.

[12:09] Okay, yeah, maybe I'll work on some new vices, yeah.

[12:11] What should I get addicted to?

[12:12] Something that's real expensive,

[12:13] so I have to hide money, right?

[12:15] Like Bitcoin or some shit, right?

[12:17] You're addicted to Bitcoin.

[12:19] Might as well face it, you're addicted to Bitcoin.

[12:23] Hi, I'm Robert Palmer.

[12:24] I'm here to talk to you about Bitcoin.

[12:26] You have to have money to buy all your monkey NFTs.

[12:33] If I was, guys, if you don't even-

[12:34] Oh no, my apes!

[12:36] If I get addicted to apes, don't even let me go to jail.

[12:39] Just throw me out of a plane.

[12:42] Or in a volcano or something, just, yeah.

[12:45] Well, speaking of jail, Google was also wondering,

[12:48] when does Stuart Wellington get out of jail?

[12:51] Get out of jail?

[12:53] Oh, man.

[12:56] Wow, I don't know.

[12:57] I mean, that's something I gotta work through

[12:59] with my therapist.

[13:00] First, he's gotta get into jail.

[13:02] That's the hard part.

[13:03] That's what makes the calculations difficult.

[13:05] You gotta break there.

[13:06] The tattoo on my back of the jail's floor plan

[13:08] is almost done.

[13:10] Once that's done, I'm in there, baby.

[13:12] I just need to get in there,

[13:13] make sure the warden lets me keep a hand mirror

[13:16] so I can read the map, otherwise I'd be fucked.

[13:18] That was such a fun, dumb show for a little while,

[13:22] and then they're like, oh, fuck it,

[13:24] we didn't have any plan for this show being successful.

[13:27] What do we do now?

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] Okay.

[13:30] Now, nobody noticed the map on his back

[13:32] like when he was taking a shower or anything like that,

[13:33] or did he have a fake back that he'd wear over his back?

[13:35] Well, the map was stylized in a way that I think it was.

[13:39] Oh, I see.

[13:40] Yeah, I feel like that's probably why,

[13:42] I'm assuming a lot of studios or whatever

[13:46] are requiring you to be able to pitch out

[13:48] a full six seasons worth of show.

[13:51] Yeah.

[13:52] Because of prison break?

[13:53] Because of prison break, yeah, yeah.

[13:56] Oh, once they break out,

[13:58] there's really not a show anymore.

[13:59] What if it turns out that all of Earth

[14:01] is in a giant space prison?

[14:03] Now they've got to break out of that.

[14:04] Now you're talking.

[14:05] I mean, that rules,

[14:07] but it's, or else you're left with a situation

[14:09] like Yellow Jackets where the first season's great

[14:11] and then the second season's like, what?

[14:14] Still haven't watched it.

[14:15] I want to watch it.

[14:16] The second season's okay,

[14:17] but it certainly does not have the,

[14:18] it doesn't have the same excitement

[14:19] that the first season has

[14:20] because it's a lot of like filling in gaps

[14:22] and things like that.

[14:23] Yeah.

[14:24] There's no laugh out loud moment like,

[14:27] there's no book club.

[14:28] The single best joke of a television show.

[14:31] Okay, so.

[14:34] But you do get an Elijah Wood musical number, right?

[14:37] That's true.

[14:39] So we're closing in on the end of the first half

[14:42] of this episode.

[14:43] Yikes.

[14:44] Before the commercials.

[14:45] I apologize, anyone trying this show for the first time.

[14:48] Why?

[14:49] Yeah, this is a good ass show.

[14:51] This is all bull.

[14:51] Oh, you're right.

[14:52] We got to fake it till we make it.

[14:53] Guys, congratulations.

[14:54] You're welcome to everyone listening to the show

[14:56] for the first time.

[14:57] Be the great podcast that you want in the world.

[15:00] Mm-hmm.

[15:02] I hate to bring us down,

[15:03] but remember, this is not me.

[15:04] It's Google.

[15:06] Google wants to know, how will Elliot Kaelin die?

[15:10] Oh, so earlier when I guessed that,

[15:12] that was something that,

[15:15] I think it's likely to be a combination

[15:17] of one of three things.

[15:19] Either heart trouble from all the fatty food that I eat.

[15:23] Okay.

[15:23] Or perhaps it'll be like of old age,

[15:31] or it will be.

[15:33] Well, like too much old age makeup,

[15:35] like in Mike Rowe and everybody just relaxes.

[15:38] I'll put too much glue on my face

[15:40] to make my skin look wrinkly, and it'll, yeah.

[15:42] Yeah, it'll be like Goldfinger.

[15:44] Your skin will suffocate,

[15:45] which is a thing that doesn't actually happen.

[15:48] Sounds cool to me.

[15:49] I saw it in a movie once.

[15:50] I think it was called Goldfinger.

[15:52] Or I will, probably the most likely of these

[15:55] is that I'll probably die stopping a dinosaur

[16:03] from eating the newly risen Messiah,

[16:06] so that I'll sacrifice myself

[16:08] so that all of humanity can live in a world of bliss.

[16:10] That sounds pretty good.

[16:11] The dinosaurs will, of course, have come back before then

[16:13] as either, you know.

[16:15] Right, because the dinosaur Messiah brought them back.

[16:17] Exactly, the dinosaur Messiah came,

[16:18] because dinosaurs came first,

[16:20] the dinosaur Messiah comes first.

[16:21] Yeah, that makes sense to me.

[16:22] Yeah, time is cyclical.

[16:24] Stuart, you would listen to the hell out of a band

[16:26] called Dinosaur Messiah, wouldn't you?

[16:28] Yeah, probably, yeah.

[16:29] All right, well, we got one more before our ad break,

[16:33] and that is this.

[16:35] So we found out.

[16:36] Actually, to be answered,

[16:37] according to the questions you're listening to,

[16:39] I'll probably die in jail, right?

[16:42] Apparently, yeah.

[16:43] Yeah, but it'll be saving the Messiah from a dinosaur.

[16:46] In jail.

[16:47] We found out how Elliot Kalin will die.

[16:49] Google wants to know,

[16:50] how will Stuart Wellington be executed?

[16:53] Oh, wow.

[16:54] You don't get an actual death, apparently.

[16:56] No.

[16:57] Probably a karate accident.

[17:00] That's not really an execution.

[17:02] An execution?

[17:04] I assume that you're going to,

[17:06] it'll be like a Last Starfighter type scenario

[17:08] where you're so good at playing Warhammer

[17:10] that the aliens who are living

[17:12] in a real Warhammer world take you up,

[17:14] but you're not really,

[17:15] your skills from playing Warhammer

[17:17] don't translate to the battles yet.

[17:17] Don't translate into actual battles, yeah.

[17:19] Yeah, and a Primark probably cuts your head off, yeah.

[17:22] Whoa, a Primark does?

[17:23] An honorable death.

[17:27] That's like my buddy Steve Kostanski,

[17:30] friend of the podcast, made that,

[17:32] what is it, that ABC's of Death bit

[17:35] where W is for Wish,

[17:36] where the kids are playing with their He-Mans,

[17:38] and they're like, oh, awesome,

[17:39] I wish we had this for real,

[17:41] and they're in the real He-Man universe,

[17:42] and it's books.

[17:43] Oh, no.

[17:45] Sounds good, I gotta check that out.

[17:48] Okay, well, this podcast has sponsored,

[17:52] sponsors, sponsors?

[17:53] Yeah.

[17:54] And one of them-

[17:55] It had sponsors until they listened to the episode.

[17:58] And one of them is LumiLabs,

[18:01] microdose gummies.

[18:02] Perfect.

[18:03] Perfect for thinking up a mini concept.

[18:06] I am starting to think that LumiLabs

[18:08] was more involved with this mini

[18:09] than I originally thought.

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[18:25] Everything is falling apart.

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[19:12] Elliot, I believe you have a few things to say.

[19:14] I do.

[19:15] Yeah, thank you.

[19:16] I do.

[19:17] There's some Flophouse stuff to promote.

[19:19] If you're enjoying this episode,

[19:21] and why wouldn't you,

[19:22] and you want a little bit more Flophouse today,

[19:24] and it's the day that this episode is released,

[19:25] Saturday, January 6th,

[19:27] you are in good luck

[19:29] because tonight,

[19:31] the night this episode is released,

[19:32] is the final episode of season one of Flop TV.

[19:35] That is our online broadcast live one-hour show

[19:39] where it's like a TV version of the Flophouse.

[19:42] Tonight at 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m. Eastern,

[19:45] we're gonna be talking about Nuki,

[19:49] the second worst movie I've ever seen.

[19:50] What?

[19:51] It recently has become relatively famous online,

[19:55] but it is a movie that I have been talking about

[19:56] for a decade, I think now.

[20:00] Oh boy is it bad. Dan Stewart have not seen it before. We're gonna talk about it.

[20:04] That's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern 6 p.m. 6 p.m. Pacific. Just go to just go to it.

[20:11] I don't want to call the presentation I did for the show my magnum opus, but

[20:15] I've been just told that legally I have to. It's my magnum opus. Oh wow, that's

[20:22] theflophouse.simpletics.com to buy tickets. Let's say you can't make

[20:28] it to watch it tonight live. That's okay. The video will be up pretty much the

[20:33] next morning to watch it and if your ticket gets you access to that video if

[20:36] you buy a season pass then you get access to the videos of all of the

[20:40] episodes we've done. This has been a great six episode flop TV season. I had a

[20:44] great time with it. The audience reaction has been really positive. I love seeing

[20:48] Dan and Stu do their presentations. Last episode Stewart did a how to throw a

[20:55] party presentation. Yeah that was as as imaginative as it was hard to parse

[21:05] exactly what the thinking was behind it. And so I can't wait for Dan's tonight.

[21:09] That's theflophouse.simpletics.com. Tonight is our Anuki episode live.

[21:14] Can't watch it live? That's okay. You can pick the recording or if you haven't

[21:18] seen the episodes get the season pass. You can watch all those recordings until

[21:21] the end of January. At the end of January we're gonna take those videos down and

[21:24] we're gonna recharge for a future season of flop TV probably in like the fall. I

[21:29] think yeah yeah there's a reason that television takes time off in the summer

[21:33] or we'll be all like old with like beards and ponytails. Dan's gonna have a beard on his beard.

[21:44] So let's say watching us through your TV screen on your computer is not enough.

[21:48] Well as you may have heard at the very top of the episode we're going live.

[21:51] That's right we are visiting four cities at the end of January for a Flophouse live tour.

[21:57] It's the Errors Tour 2024's most exciting thing. We're gonna be in Vancouver on January 24th

[22:04] talking about Cobra with Sylvester Stallone. The movie is with Sylvester Stallone.

[22:08] Sylvester Stallone will not be there. I don't want to think we're talking with

[22:10] Poor Willy. Poor Willy show up perhaps. He's done it before on this show.

[22:15] January 25th we'll be in Portland talking about Cool as Ice.

[22:18] January 26th we'll be in San Francisco talking about Gigli.

[22:21] And January 28th we'll be in Los Angeles talking about

[22:25] Spawn the movie that kicked off the superhero movie craze.

[22:29] And so what do you say Dan? Oh no I was just I was

[22:32] chuckling because I was remembering I think on a recent episode of Blank Check they

[22:39] described John Leguizamo whose performance is the most unpleasant performance ever in a film

[22:44] or something like that and it really truly is something to witness.

[22:48] Yeah something not to witness with joy but you know something.

[22:51] So again that's January 24th, January 25th, January 26th and January 28th.

[22:55] We'll be in four different cities if you want to travel with us like a Grateful Dead fan or

[22:58] something like that in a van. I mean don't travel with us but you can go to the shows.

[23:02] Our flights are booked. Go to flockhousepodcast.com

[23:06] slash events for all the information and links to the tickets for those.

[23:10] We hope to see you live at the show.

[23:17] The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls.

[23:23] 9-1-1. My husband! It's my husband!

[23:26] Calm down please. What about your husband?

[23:28] He loves the dishwasher wrong. Please help! Please help me!

[23:33] Where are you now ma'am?

[23:34] At the kitchen table. I was with my dad. He mispronounces words intentionally.

[23:40] There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice.

[23:43] But only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes.

[23:48] Judge John Hodgman. The only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling

[23:52] sad and bad and scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org.

[23:58] Hi this is Lori Kilmartin and I'm Jackie Cashion and we have a podcast called

[24:03] The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun and it's very exciting because what do we talk about?

[24:07] Comedy. Stand-up comedy. We both do stand-up comedy and have since the dawn of Christ.

[24:11] Well Jackie...

[24:12] Is that offensive?

[24:14] It is offensive to me because you've aged me.

[24:18] We started in the late 80s and we're still here. You can't kill us.

[24:23] So go to The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun and listen to that.

[24:28] The Jackie and Lori Show. New episodes Monday only on MaximumFun.org.

[24:37] So let's go back into the mini. Of course there's one member of the Flop House who has not been

[24:43] addressed so far and his name is me, Dan McCoy.

[24:47] Oh Dan, right, Dan.

[24:48] And if you recall now the point of this whole endeavor was...

[24:52] It's like a get to know you thing, right?

[24:54] Well there's that but also I was...

[24:56] What was there a point? Oh, to be lazy?

[24:59] Sick and tired. And I'm also sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[25:04] Venus of the joke.

[25:06] So these are...

[25:08] We got Dave Barry here with us. What's this all about?

[25:09] There's gonna be autofill questions about Dan McCoy but

[25:14] you are required to answer these questions about me.

[25:17] All right.

[25:19] To extend the laziness even further and to create a challenge for all of us,

[25:24] you have to answer these questions.

[25:25] So the first one here is, is Dan McCoy still alive?

[25:30] I mean that's fucking questionable based on...

[25:33] Wow.

[25:33] Based on what we've been hearing, yeah.

[25:34] Stuart had a face on him originally where he's like,

[25:37] yeah, you know, I got this one.

[25:38] I know for certain but now he seems a little...

[25:43] Okay, well, I guess the answer is DVD.

[25:46] I think Dan's still alive.

[25:48] I mean, he's clinging on there but you know what?

[25:50] He's tough.

[25:51] I feel like if you had to talk about the flop house members,

[25:54] you would say Dan is the toughest member of the flop house.

[25:57] He handles adversity the best.

[26:00] He rolls with the punches.

[26:01] Never a complaint if there's any sort of discomfort or

[26:05] inconvenience or a mere change of plan.

[26:08] Yeah, the consummate professional.

[26:11] Ready for anything, smooth as ice and cool as a cucumber, yeah.

[26:17] But the clock says 3.04 a minute ago.

[26:20] Now it says 3.05.

[26:22] I don't know if I like this.

[26:23] Hold on.

[26:24] Let me talk about it for a while.

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] Dan, it's good to roast you when you're sick

[26:31] because you're too sick to ever get really mad.

[26:32] Look, I came up with the mini...

[26:36] I was aware that there would be a certain amount of roasting

[26:37] involved in this last section.

[26:39] Sure, yeah.

[26:40] Okay, next question.

[26:41] It's cold out there.

[26:42] He wants a little bit of heat.

[26:43] Might as well get roasted.

[26:45] Google wants to know, is Dan McCoy a real person?

[26:51] Well, I think that's a good point

[26:53] because I think sometimes people on the internet

[26:56] confuse you for being different,

[26:59] like that the podcast persona

[27:02] and your real persona get muddy a little bit

[27:05] because I think we, for instance,

[27:08] we give you shit on the podcast and in real life.

[27:11] And I think sometimes people on the internet are like,

[27:14] that gives me leeway to give Dan shit

[27:16] and you cannot do that.

[27:17] You're allowed to, you are not allowed to do that.

[27:19] I mean, once you've established a rapport with me...

[27:23] Which is, you know, it takes some time.

[27:25] It takes a little time.

[27:26] It takes time.

[27:27] I gladly accept you.

[27:30] Not the most welcoming.

[27:31] Very wary, yeah.

[27:33] You have to let Dan sniff your hand

[27:35] to make sure you're not a threat.

[27:36] Eventually I'll eat them right out of your hand.

[27:38] The best way to approach Dan is to kneel to be at his level.

[27:41] Don't look him in the eye.

[27:42] Consider that a challenge.

[27:44] Scratch him, let him sniff your hand

[27:46] and then scratch him under the chin,

[27:47] not on the top of the head.

[27:48] Where I can see.

[27:49] And when Dan makes a show of dominance,

[27:52] you cannot run away.

[27:53] If you run away, you are going to be devoured.

[27:56] Yes, yes.

[27:56] The only thing to do if Dan makes a show of dominance,

[27:58] which in his case is sighing particularly loudly,

[28:00] is the only thing you can do is roll over and pee on yourself

[28:03] just to show him that you're not a threat

[28:04] and you understand he's the alpha.

[28:06] Yeah.

[28:06] Now, here's a question Google is wondering about

[28:09] that I honestly am a little scared

[28:12] about what you're going to say in response to this.

[28:15] And here it is.

[28:16] Does Dan McCoy work?

[28:18] Does Dan McCoy work?

[28:21] Well, so, I mean, pick your work, huh?

[28:28] The thing is-

[28:28] Choose your words carefully.

[28:31] How do we define work?

[28:34] Yeah, is it an exchange of goods or services for money?

[28:38] Because I think that I do qualify.

[28:41] Yeah, are we saying does he do an occupation

[28:45] or are we saying does he function?

[28:52] Now, is work spelled with an O or an E?

[28:56] Just to know this guy, this time.

[28:59] Well, Elliot, he has been your employee before.

[29:02] Well, I mean-

[29:03] Yes, I mean, I didn't employ him, I supervised him.

[29:06] He's been your direct report, right?

[29:08] Yeah, that's true.

[29:09] And I will say that Dan often worked,

[29:11] not always as much as I wanted him to.

[29:15] Maybe sometimes more than you wanted him to.

[29:17] But that was true of the entire staff of The Daily Show.

[29:18] Well, I was going to say certainly more than other people

[29:21] that were also on the staff, yeah.

[29:23] And as my tenure extended there,

[29:27] the number of people who worked less than me grew.

[29:32] And my importance to the show arguably grew along with it.

[29:36] Yeah, yeah.

[29:37] So I would say, does Dan work?

[29:39] He works hard.

[29:40] Of course.

[29:40] He works hard for the money, so you better treat him right.

[29:44] Thank you.

[29:45] And pay him money, to be honest.

[29:46] He works hard for the money, so you should pay him.

[29:48] Everyone should be paid.

[29:50] Just put $2 in an envelope, $2 cash,

[29:53] and mail it to Dan McCoy, care of Brooklyn, New York, USA.

[29:56] You want to just drop your address again?

[30:00] If you want to support me and the show, do it through maximum fun.

[30:05] But here we go.

[30:06] Here's an interesting question.

[30:08] Google seems to have some sort of apprehension about me that may or may not be true.

[30:13] It says, who will Dan McCoy play next?

[30:17] Oh, I didn't know you were an actor.

[30:20] You were in a college production of Hair.

[30:21] Was that it?

[30:22] Yeah, it's a college production.

[30:23] Sure.

[30:24] Yeah, I was in a lot of school productions.

[30:28] I have a couple of IMDb acting credits.

[30:31] I don't know.

[30:32] Yeah, you played Santa Claus once on The Daily Show, right?

[30:35] So, Elliot, throw out some roles that you think Dan would be perfect for.

[30:40] Well, here's the...

[30:41] So, clearly, the first role that comes to mind is, of course, Malvolio.

[30:45] I think Dan would make a great Malvolio, for sure.

[30:49] I can see that.

[30:50] Yeah, yeah.

[30:51] Obsessed with, like, what...

[30:53] My stockings?

[30:55] Is that what his deal was?

[30:56] I also see Dan as kind of like a sophisticated devil in a smoking jacket who is tricking

[31:03] somebody in a...

[31:04] Yeah.

[31:05] I think you're just looking at my beard, but...

[31:06] It is mostly...

[31:07] These are beard-based roles.

[31:09] I feel like if Dan put a little bit of gray in his hair and beard, he could pull off...

[31:14] I think he could be a good King Lear, but maybe I'm just trying to get him nude and

[31:18] smearing ashes and mud all over his naked body.

[31:21] He would do great with that.

[31:22] He would do great with that.

[31:23] That sounds like a spa day.

[31:25] But I think also, maybe Dan, stretch a little, blanche du bois.

[31:29] Maybe it's time for you to play a part like that.

[31:31] There's a certain vulnerability, I think, you can project.

[31:33] I've been resting on my laurels, acting-wise, for too long.

[31:36] Now, the way I took question...

[31:37] I feel like some roles that, like, some classic Michael Douglas roles, Dan could pull off.

[31:43] Oh, yeah.

[31:44] Falling down fits Dan like a glove.

[31:45] Falling down.

[31:46] For sure, yeah.

[31:47] Come on.

[31:48] Disclosure.

[31:49] Fatal attraction.

[31:50] No.

[31:51] Yeah, fatal attraction, yes, for sure.

[31:52] Yeah.

[31:53] Basic instinct.

[31:55] It was fun to re-watch Fatal Attraction recently and be like, they're how much younger than

[31:59] me?

[32:00] Oh, God.

[32:01] But also, I took it not just as what role will Dan be playing, but you said who will

[32:07] Dan be playing next, right?

[32:09] Yes.

[32:10] Dan is a consummate con man who's always on the make and always on the job.

[32:13] Who's he going to be playing next?

[32:15] I mean, we won't know until they report to the newspapers that a devilish, a devilish

[32:21] consummate charismatic nobleman convinced him to transfer all his money to an account

[32:27] at the Bank of Gozovia for some made-up foreign kingdom.

[32:30] Yeah.

[32:31] We're going to get angry emails from Gozovia saying they're not made up.

[32:36] He didn't suspect something when he showed up in a horse-drawn carriage?

[32:43] Then immediately complained that he had to use the bathroom and ran into a building?

[32:49] Okay, well...

[32:51] He does look a lot like the fellow I wrongfully imprisoned, but I'll allow it.

[32:55] Speaking...

[32:56] Speaking...

[32:57] The Count of Dante Cristo, yep.

[33:01] Speaking of imprisonment, here's the next question.

[33:03] Uh-oh.

[33:04] When should Dan McCoy get Wellington out of jail?

[33:07] So I...

[33:08] I guess that you want to let me stew on it.

[33:12] I know what I did.

[33:13] Yeah.

[33:14] Dan, so you're saying all this time you've had the power to get Stewart out of jail?

[33:17] Yeah, apparently.

[33:18] You have not done it?

[33:19] Daniel, did you brick him up in your basement?

[33:20] Is that what happened?

[33:21] Well, it says, when should I do it?

[33:22] So I've been waiting for the perfect time.

[33:25] Yes.

[33:26] When I think Stewart has learned his lesson.

[33:27] When I think Stewart has learned his lesson.

[33:28] That served cold.

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:30] Yeah.

[33:31] I mean, he said he had an entire cask of Amontillado, right?

[33:34] The whole thing.

[33:35] I've never seen that in my life.

[33:37] I love the idea that, someone certainly must have done this, that the guy's bricked up

[33:42] in the wall and you just hear him yelling to the wall, but when do I get to see the

[33:45] Amontillado?

[33:47] It's like, I can't see, it's closed.

[33:49] I can't see.

[33:50] It's too dark in here now.

[33:51] It's so dark in here.

[33:52] Is the cask here?

[33:53] Let me feel around for it.

[33:55] Is it on the wall?

[33:56] I'll start licking the wall.

[33:57] Oh, is there like, is this like an escape room?

[34:01] I think you bricked me up in the wrong room.

[34:03] You meant to brick me up into the room that had the Amontillado in it.

[34:07] And that's how we, the viewers, are like, I get why he's bricking him up.

[34:11] He's really annoying.

[34:12] Hello?

[34:13] Hello?

[34:14] Bricked up here.

[34:19] I don't like how this character's coded now.

[34:20] Okay, fair, fair.

[34:21] Well, one.

[34:22] Sorry, go on.

[34:23] No, no.

[34:24] So, Dan, so you, so, but let's get back to the main issue, which is that you have imprisoned

[34:25] Stewart and you have the power to elect him.

[34:27] Well, we don't know that.

[34:28] We say, when should I, I mean, you know, maybe I'm the governor.

[34:30] Well, you could have the exculpatory evidence that proves he didn't do it.

[34:34] Yeah.

[34:35] Sure.

[34:36] You're the governor and you're going to pardon him.

[34:37] Yeah.

[34:38] Yeah.

[34:39] That was, that was why I've been waiting, you know, I'm waiting to be elected governor

[34:42] and it hasn't happened yet.

[34:44] That's fair.

[34:45] Yeah.

[34:46] You gotta run for, you gotta run for smaller offices first.

[34:47] Oh, that's how you do it.

[34:48] You gotta start on a state council, work your way up.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:52] Of course, by the time you're governor, you're so busy on your, focused on your presidential

[34:54] campaign that you kind of keep forgetting about Stewart.

[34:57] Yeah.

[34:58] Uh, well, there's one last question, uh, kind of related and it's, how does Dan McCoy get

[35:04] Wellington out?

[35:06] That's a good question.

[35:09] Now we've already talked about the, that cool tattoo I'm getting all over my back of the

[35:13] floor plan of the prison and you would think that would be enough for me to get out, but

[35:16] they realized that the show needs more seasons, so I'm still stuck in that prison.

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:22] And Dan, I'm going to assume that is about to sign the papers that are pardoning you

[35:25] when he's immediately arrested and indicted and kicked out of office for some crime on

[35:30] his own.

[35:31] Now he's in the prison with you is the problem.

[35:35] That's too bad.

[35:36] But I think, I think we work better as a team, like on this podcast.

[35:41] Of course, the real problem is that when we zoom out and we see who's the warden of

[35:44] the jail, why it's Elliot Kaelin, what game is he playing?

[35:49] It's like the end of Duck Amok.

[35:52] Yeah.

[35:53] Like I go, ain't I a stinker?

[35:54] And then we come back in season two of a flop break.

[35:57] Yeah.

[35:58] To find out what's going to happen next.

[35:59] Well, you know, I think we've learned a lot of important things about one another today

[36:04] and it was a great idea that I had.

[36:06] That was all from Google.

[36:07] Yeah.

[36:08] It was Google's idea.

[36:10] So if you don't like this, Manny, blame Google.

[36:14] Otherwise, if you did like it, why not leave us a review on iTunes?

[36:20] Positive review.

[36:21] Positive review.

[36:22] Tell your friends.

[36:23] Don't put more negativity out there.

[36:24] If you don't like it, that's great.

[36:25] That's fine.

[36:26] We don't, you know.

[36:27] It's not great.

[36:28] I mean, I'd like them to like it.

[36:29] No, I'd like, I want you to want me, you know, but if you don't, you need them to move on.

[36:33] I don't.

[36:34] I don't need them to.

[36:35] Are you begging them to beg you?

[36:36] Well, I could.

[36:38] It depends on, you know, we'll see where the, where our finances are at the end of the next

[36:44] flop house fiscal year.

[36:46] Anyway.

[36:47] Yeah.

[36:48] If you could help us out, you know, does Dan McCoy work?

[36:51] The answer is yes.

[36:52] But right now this is Dan McCoy's main job.

[36:55] So please, you know, be kind.

[37:00] Also be kind by looking up HowlDotty.

[37:04] That's our producer, Alex Smith.

[37:06] See what he does all over the internet.

[37:08] He's got Twitch streams.

[37:09] He's got his own podcast.

[37:10] I told him not to do it all over the internet.

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:14] He, uh, yeah, he, he helped us out on our recent, uh, holiday flop fest, a Twitch stream

[37:21] we did.

[37:22] Mm hmm.

[37:23] It was so much more professional.

[37:24] He gave us some important technical advice, uh, and he was off the clock when he did it.

[37:29] Thank you for, uh, that help.

[37:31] Um, and thank you to Maximum Fun.

[37:34] Go to MaximumFun.org to check out other great podcasts from the podcasting network that

[37:41] helps bring you us, the Flophouse.

[37:44] And let's say you have a personal or even corporate message that you would like to associate

[37:48] with this kind of content and material, go to MaximumFun.com slash Jumbotron and you

[37:53] can rent a little bit of space on the Flophouse for your message on the Flophouse Jumbotron.

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:58] It might surprise you, but we have a wide reach.

[38:02] So, uh, if that's a way that you might want to advertise, think about it, think about

[38:06] it.

[38:07] Check it out.

[38:08] Perhaps you've heard of a little thing called Google.

[38:10] You have now because Dan's been giving it free advertising all episode.

[38:13] Let's talk about this.

[38:14] We're off mic, Dan.

[38:16] Okay.

[38:17] Well, let's get off mic by, uh, closing up shop here.

[38:20] Mike doesn't want us on top of him anymore.

[38:22] Sorry, Mike.

[38:23] Uh, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[38:26] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[38:28] And I'm Google saying, who is Elliot Kaelin?

[38:31] Me.

[38:32] Bye.

[38:33] Bye.

[38:34] Maximum Fun, a worker owned network of artists owned shows supported directly by you.

FH Mini 96 - The Flop House Autofill Interview

Transcript

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