The Flop House: Episode #35 - Fireproof

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron, America's number one religious star, if you don't count Mel Gibson.

[0:30] So, ladies and gentlemen.

[0:37] There are no ladies here.

[0:38] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:40] Oh, you meant the listeners.

[0:41] Hey, what's up?

[0:42] The podcast where we watch a bad movie and then chat about it a little bit.

[0:47] You said it.

[0:48] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:50] I'm Stuart Willington.

[0:51] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] What do you know?

[0:53] Not much.

[0:55] Oh, it was a rhetorical question.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Yes, that was what we like to call rhetorical.

[0:59] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Um, so.

[1:02] It's been a while.

[1:03] Yeah.

[1:04] Are we going to tell the story of last week's failed attempt?

[1:07] No, let's just pretend like it never happened.

[1:09] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] It keeps the mystique up.

[1:11] Can we at least just give a quick summary that, so people don't watch that movie, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:16] Yeah, alright, fine.

[1:17] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] Don't watch Babylon AD.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] Starring Vin Diesel.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21] Yeah, starring Vin Diesel.

[1:23] Somehow it was so bad that it managed to fuck up our recording that we recorded.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29] The computer refused to accept a sound file of us talking about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] I think it was Dan titled Babylon AD and the computer just howled it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] It wasn't just religious observance that kept us from putting out an episode last week.

[1:43] That helped.

[1:43] We actually recorded an episode, Babylon AD, and it disappeared.

[1:48] Um, and so in an effort to placate the gods.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] Speaking of religious observance.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] Yeah, this week we watched Fireproof.

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:56] I mean, hot on the heels of me spending an entire Sunday watching, um, Easter themed porn.

[2:01] Fireproof hot on the heels.

[2:03] Whoa, whoa.

[2:03] Mm-hmm.

[2:04] Easter themed porn how so?

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] You know, like Easter bunnies.

[2:08] Oh, it wasn't like Jesus.

[2:09] It's like furry porn.

[2:10] Jesus is resurrected and he's got morning wood.

Stuart Wellington

[2:13] I wouldn't say it was furry porn.

[2:15] It was pretty traditional except, you know, at some point somebody had an Easter bunny costume on.

Dan McCoy

[2:19] You know, when we were deciding on this film, we were deciding to do Fireproof, Elliot was like,

[2:24] I don't know if I want to do it.

[2:25] I want to get caught in that trap of saying things about religion or whatever.

[2:29] And now he's making morning wood Jesus jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] I'm not saying things about religion.

[2:32] I didn't want to get caught in the trap of, oh, Cameron's crazy because he's really religious.

[2:38] Let's make fun of how devout he is because there's something admirable about someone who's very devoted to their faith.

[2:44] This is a terrible movie.

[2:45] That is true.

[2:46] That's what we want to make clear.

[2:47] It's terrible because it's poorly made, not terrible because it has a Christian message.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] Yes, before the listeners out there, the religious listeners out there, turn off their iPods and then throw them in the sewers.

[2:59] Wait a minute.

[2:59] Yep.

[3:01] No, we're just shouting back Satan or something.

[3:03] With the rest of the trash.

[3:04] We're not making fun of the...

Elliott Kalan

[3:06] This podcast deserves to be with the trash in the sewers.

Stuart Wellington

[3:10] Yep.

[3:10] They're like, why did I download this podcast and a bunch of Slayer albums?

[3:14] Yeah, we don't have anything.

Elliott Kalan

[3:15] Well, Faith House has no new episodes this week.

[3:17] I guess I'll try Flophouse.

[3:19] It's close enough.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] No, it's not the religion that we object to.

[3:24] It's the lousy production.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Well, it's a bad movie.

[3:27] It's maybe...

[3:28] How much actual story time do you think is in this movie?

[3:30] Like 15 minutes?

[3:31] Mm-hmm.

[3:32] 20 minutes?

[3:32] And it's stretched out to about two hours?

Dan McCoy

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:35] There's a...

[3:36] Maybe a touching short film in this.

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:38] Why don't you guys spin me a tale, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Tell me of...

[3:41] Tell me of this fireproof.

[3:43] Well, it's the story of a fireman named Caleb and his wife, whose name I don't remember.

[3:47] I thought it was Caleb.

[3:48] Okay, Caleb.

[3:49] It's the same name.

[3:50] Caleb Caleb.

[3:51] Really?

[3:51] Man named Caliph.

[3:52] Doesn't matter.

[3:54] Man named Caliph.

[3:55] He's the head of the Muslim Caliphate.

[3:57] Man named Caleb.

[3:58] He's a heroic firefighter who doesn't treat his wife very well.

[4:02] But it's not like he doesn't abuse her.

[4:04] He's just...

[4:04] Yeah, he's not abusing.

[4:05] He's just not nice to each other.

[4:06] And he hasn't...

[4:07] It's implied an addiction to internet porn.

[4:10] And he really wants to buy a boat.

Stuart Wellington

[4:11] Yeah, those two things.

[4:13] All he talks about is buying a boat.

[4:15] Do you think the internet porn he looks at is like boat related?

[4:19] Maybe.

[4:19] Like the love boat or something?

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] I think it's probably all like bikini girls.

[4:22] It's not really hardcore porn.

Dan McCoy

[4:24] Yeah.

[4:25] Yeah, well, the Christian movie way of implying internet porn was to have a pop-up appear

[4:32] after he had been on a website already for clearly seven minutes.

[4:36] A website about boats.

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] It didn't even look like a website.

[4:39] It just looked like a JPEG of a boat.

Dan McCoy

[4:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:42] He's just staring at the wallpaper on his monitor.

[4:45] Exactly.

[4:45] Someday I'm going to have a boat like that.

Dan McCoy

[4:47] And like this headshot of a woman pops up with the legend Wanna See beneath it.

[4:52] And then click here.

[4:53] And there's some hearts.

[4:54] And some animated hearts.

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] But the woman is not even particularly attractive or porny looking.

[4:59] Right.

[4:59] Yeah, it's just like a headshot.

Stuart Wellington

[5:00] Like something from a social network.

[5:02] Well, it's like the idea.

[5:03] Maybe it's like an amateur website.

[5:05] Yeah, that's possible.

[5:06] Like wife stuff.

[5:07] It's an idea of internet porn that could only.

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] Like do itwithmywife.com.

[5:11] Life stuff sounds like an advice webpage for new wives.

[5:15] Yeah, exactly.

[5:16] Where do I buy detergent?

[5:18] Yep.

[5:18] Go to wifestuff.com.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] No, it's internet porn as viewed through the lens of either a Christian film or say like a five-year-old.

[5:28] What they might think internet pornography is like.

Stuart Wellington

[5:30] Like, oh, pretty girl.

[5:32] Wanna see?

[5:33] Or like if on like an episode like Saved by the Bell or the Hannah Montana show they wanted to show somebody looking at that porn.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] Anyway, so he doesn't treat his wife so well.

[5:42] Sorry, Hannah Montana.

Stuart Wellington

[5:43] I was just.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] Don't come kill me.

[5:46] She's not.

[5:46] She does that.

[5:47] She's not so nice to him.

[5:49] And basically like to sell the story as quickly as possible to avoid the parts where they fight like a hundred fires in the small town of Albany, Georgia.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] Yeah, there's a shitload of fires, right?

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] Yeah.

[6:00] Basically, she, they're unhappy in their marriage.

[6:03] She is tempted by a doctor at work who's very charming.

[6:06] And by charming, I mean like presentable.

[6:09] And.

[6:10] Not gross.

[6:10] He wears a tie.

[6:12] Yes.

[6:12] And Kirk Cameron's father, Kirk Cameron playing Caleb, gives him a diary which is, what is he called, a love diary?

[6:19] Oh, the love dare.

[6:20] The love dare.

[6:21] The love dare.

[6:22] Dr. Love Dare.

[6:23] Mike Myers.

[6:24] The love, the love darer.

[6:28] The love dairy.

[6:29] And he said, love dare.

[6:31] All these cows are just giving us love.

[6:33] No milk.

[6:35] He gives him a 40 day.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] That sounds like a lactating movie.

[6:39] Yeah, that's disgusting.

[6:41] That sounds like pornography.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] He gives him a manual for a 40 day program.

[6:45] Wait, a manual?

[6:46] He gives him a copy of a manual in space.

Dan McCoy

[6:49] I didn't know they had a space one.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Yeah, well, it's a series.

[6:52] But he gives him this manual, like this handwritten love manual.

[6:57] It's a 40 day program for basically showing your wife that you care.

[7:01] And then about halfway through, it becomes about accepting the love of Christ as an example for love to show your wife.

Dan McCoy

[7:07] Yeah, the classic marriage counseling bait and switch.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] Pretty much, yeah.

[7:12] And then Kirk Cameron does it.

[7:14] His wife learns that he's not a bad guy.

[7:17] Maybe the doctor she cares about is not as great as she thought he was.

[7:21] And they make up.

[7:23] And this is a two hour long.

[7:24] I cut out the comic relief about the other firemen, one of whom is overweight.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Like 40 minutes in the movie, there's that climax where he and his dad have this touching moment where he finally realizes that he needs to give all his faith to God and everything.

Dan McCoy

[7:39] But then afterwards, there's no real conflict.

Stuart Wellington

[7:42] You're pretty sure she's going to get with him.

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] They could have cut to the last scene at that point.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] And also, like I said, they fight like eight fires.

Dan McCoy

[7:51] We'd like to point out, this is an hour and 58 minutes, I believe was the runtime.

[7:56] Absolutely.

[7:57] To tell a kitchen sink story about a marriage in trouble, sort of trouble.

[8:05] Then the husband decides to treat his wife nice for a change and then things turn out all right.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] There are maybe, let's say, seven characters in the movie and four of them are necessary for the plot.

[8:16] There are like three locations, not counting the fires.

[8:21] There's not a lot going on.

[8:23] Well, I am counting the fires.

[8:24] Wait, is fire a location?

[8:26] Yes.

[8:27] It is both a location and a character.

[8:29] It seems like there's a subplot in this movie that is not just explored at all, which is this arsonist that's running around this small town lighting fires.

[8:38] Because they answer, I mean, I'm exaggerating with eight, but they answer at least four fires in the course of the film.

Dan McCoy

[8:45] Yeah.

[8:46] And this, you know, you're led to believe that this spans like a month.

[8:49] Yeah, it's like a 30-day program.

Stuart Wellington

[8:51] What I was disappointed by was...

[8:53] It's a 40-day program.

[8:54] The first actual call that the firefighters respond to, we get a little bit of like a lead into it by seeing the like, you know, the southern teens getting in like a car race or something.

[9:04] And then, you know, cut to them being wrecked on the train tracks.

[9:08] Really?

Dan McCoy

[9:08] That was supposed to be connected because it seemed like a completely unconnected thing.

Stuart Wellington

[9:11] I thought those were going to be characters that came up later, but...

[9:14] Yeah.

[9:15] You thought those were characters of like them when they were kids or something?

[9:18] No, no, no.

[9:19] I thought maybe those kids would play parts later on.

[9:21] Because if there had been a flashback, they would have said flashback.

[9:23] I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Or like 10 years earlier.

[9:24] Well, this is also a movie...

[9:26] During the opening credits, you just hear a mother telling her daughter, someday you'll find a guy who loves you as much as your dad loves you.

[9:33] And that'll be true love.

[9:35] And then it cuts to the firehouse.

[9:36] And this is like Bratz.

[9:38] Just the legend, present day, comes up on screen.

[9:42] Which makes you think like, wait a minute.

[9:44] Are they going to go back in time?

[9:46] Like, are we going to jump ahead to the year 2527?

[9:48] No.

[9:49] Like, present day.

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] That framing device is never referenced again.

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] I don't even know who's talking to who.

[9:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:55] Well, the whole opening was, you know, was the setup like the dad that they talk about in that opening is God, of course, right?

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] I guess so.

[10:05] You know, once you've figured it out.

[10:07] Yeah, I mean, once you unlock the code.

[10:09] Well, it's also sort of creepy.

[10:10] It's the old mega code.

[10:11] It's the subtext of the movie, by which I mean the text.

Dan McCoy

[10:14] It's one of these scenes where you hear the little girl being like,

[10:17] Can I marry daddy?

[10:19] He's like, no, I'm already married to daddy.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] He's like, okay, can I marry daddy after you're done with him?

Dan McCoy

[10:25] And you're like, oh, well, this is supposed to be heartwarming, but it's kind of creepy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] What I'm saying is your time is limited.

[10:32] And I have a sexual attraction to my father.

[10:34] Watch your back, mom.

Stuart Wellington

[10:37] Mormons?

[10:38] Is that a Mormon?

[10:38] No, that's not Mormons.

[10:39] No.

[10:40] You're thinking of Oedipus Rex.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:43] Oh, yeah.

[10:45] I am thinking about that.

[10:46] So, yeah, there's a lot of, they respond to a lot of fires.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] They respond to a lot of fires.

[10:51] There's a lot of joshing at the firehouse.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] Yeah, so I would have liked to see a little more lead into the fires, like seeing what happened.

[10:58] What caused them?

[10:58] Kind of like a Final Destination thing where, you know, it's like a Rube Goldberg thing where, like, shit falls apart and then catches on fire.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] I assumed that every shot would just be a guy wearing a ski mask running away with a thing of motor oil and, you know, like a butane lighter.

Stuart Wellington

[11:16] No, I was hoping it would be more kind of, like, wacky with more, like, comic relief, like people accidentally putting things in the microwave.

[11:22] Gasoline is what I'm saying.

[11:23] Like, accidentally getting in, like, spraying gasoline on each other and then setting something up.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] They were having a gas fight.

Stuart Wellington

[11:29] Yeah, like in that Zoolander movie.

Elliott Kalan

[11:32] Even if they were like, oh, man, this drought is really affecting the town.

[11:36] Yeah.

[11:37] All this tinder is really dry.

[11:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:40] Well, then, that would clearly need a four-hour movie to explore all of that.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] Well, the story of Albany, Georgia, goes back to the 19th century.

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] There's been more fires here than anywhere else.

[11:52] They say it's on a dormant volcano, but is it dormant after all?

[11:57] Who knows?

[11:58] They say it's on an ancient Indian fire ground.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] Or, Stuart, you suggested that it was built on a hell mouth.

[12:04] Yeah.

[12:06] I heard that somewhere.

[12:06] Or maybe it's, like, it's over one of those coal fires that burns underground for a thousand years.

[12:11] Sure.

[12:12] This is an exciting movie.

[12:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:14] It's coming alive before my fire parts were.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Instead, I mean, the movie we were talking about right now is an exciting movie.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] Coal Land.

[12:23] So there's a couple montages.

[12:25] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] That's true.

[12:26] To Creed-style rock and roll music.

Stuart Wellington

[12:28] Yeah.

[12:29] Where it would be, like, the husband and the wife just not seeing eye to eye, not getting along.

[12:33] Not eating dinner at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[12:35] Or, as Elliot pointed out, there was one late in the movie that was just a weird mixture of Kirk Cameron doing good things for his wife and then just training scenes down at the firehouse.

[12:47] You're kind of like, huh, is there a parallel being drawn?

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] It's supposed to draw some sort of similarity between this, but it really doesn't make any sense.

[12:54] Yeah, it sort of felt like that montage in Roxanne where they're straining at the firehouse.

[13:01] Oh, there is one great running gag in the movie, though, which is that Kirk Cameron gets mad and, like, throws his garbage can or he gets mad and hits his garbage can with a baseball bat.

[13:09] And each time he looks over and his creepy old man neighbor is just staring at him, apparently bewildered at Kirk Cameron's violence.

[13:17] And each time he's like, what's the guy's name is Mr. Griff or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] Yeah, played by Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins, right?

Elliott Kalan

[13:23] No, it was not Richard Jenkins.

[13:25] It was a man probably 20 years older than Richard Jenkins.

[13:27] Okay.

[13:28] But each time he's like, hey, Mr. Griff, and then just, like, deadpan stare and the old man turning around and walking away.

[13:34] And it was, like, I wanted to learn more.

[13:36] And you see his wife later, and I wanted to know more about the marriage between these two withered old people who think their neighbors are crazy.

[13:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Speaking of marriage, this movie was about it.

[13:48] There's a ton of stuff about marriage in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:49] It's all about marriage.

[13:51] You're the only one of us who's married, Dan, so you're going to have to give us the inside track.

Elliott Kalan

[13:54] Yeah, so I assume that you went through this at one point and your dad gave you the love dare.

[13:58] Sure.

[13:59] Yep, and then found out later on.

[14:00] We're both promise keepers.

[14:02] Can I spoil it?

[14:02] Yeah, spoil it.

[14:03] Okay.

[14:04] Spoil the twist that comes out of nowhere and affects nothing.

[14:05] The best twist is at the very end.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] Okay, everything's happy.

[14:08] You know, everybody's in love.

[14:10] They've accepted Jesus.

[14:11] Yeah, and there's this scene where Kirk Cameron's walking with his dad in a scene that's shot very similarly to a woman's hygiene commercial.

[14:21] And his dad reveals that the love dare diary that he gave his son was actually written by the kid's mom, by the dude's wife.

[14:32] Wait, I didn't explain that very well.

Dan McCoy

[14:36] Kirk Cameron's mom was the one who wrote the diary.

[14:40] Oh, okay.

[14:40] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[14:41] But does that mean that she had to go through the love dare or that she gave the love dare to his father?

[14:48] Either way, it doesn't, I mean, it doesn't change anything.

[14:50] It doesn't matter.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] Basically, it was like a weird twist that nobody cared about.

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] And at the end, Kirk Cameron walks into his mother and they're both crying.

[14:56] He's like, I didn't know.

[14:58] Forgive me.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] Of course I forgive you.

[15:00] I love you.

[15:01] What?

[15:01] Yeah, that was the thing.

[15:02] I don't know what happened.

[15:03] No, I think that the father was the one who was going to leave because he was being mistreated.

[15:07] He talked about how he wanted to go.

[15:09] But then why was he?

[15:10] Why did Kirk Cameron run in and apologize to his mom rather than be like, Mom, you were an abusive mother.

Stuart Wellington

[15:18] He'd been really short with her, I believe, when he was growing up.

[15:22] I see.

[15:22] Okay, well, we don't see anything.

[15:23] I'm just making all that up.

[15:24] He was experiencing growing pains, if you will.

Dan McCoy

[15:26] You know, when he was at a, yeah.

[15:27] And she was the bad one in this relationship.

[15:29] And at the end, Kirk Cameron goes in and apologizes.

[15:31] Yep, when he was at Fireman's University.

Stuart Wellington

[15:36] F you, yeah.

[15:37] Yeah, he would get really drunk and he'd complain to all his buddies like, Mom, I'm such a bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[15:42] He'd steal the keys to the school fire truck and ram it into the house.

Stuart Wellington

[15:47] While he was on double secret probation, right?

Dan McCoy

[15:50] He's like, Mom, I'm sorry that you were married to such an emasculated pussy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:55] Sorry that my dad was such a wussy who wouldn't stand up for himself.

[15:58] Exactly.

[15:59] What a dork.

[16:00] Here's the weird thing.

[16:01] Speaking of standing up for yourself, marriage is couched in the whole time in words like respect.

[16:07] Or honor.

[16:08] Like Kirk Cameron, his complaint at the beginning is-

[16:10] Which don't get us wrong.

[16:11] Important qualities.

[16:12] No, no, but mutual respect is important.

Dan McCoy

[16:14] But really-

[16:14] Stuart's making it.

[16:15] I don't know, face.

Elliott Kalan

[16:17] I would imagine on a bedrock of, say, love.

[16:20] But that hole open is Kirk going, she doesn't give me the respect I deserve.

[16:24] There needs to be respect.

[16:26] And it's such a weird sopranos type thing for him to be complaining about.

[16:31] Well, here's what I wanted to talk about.

[16:33] And then it's like, oh, now that we both love Jesus, we can really respect each other.

Stuart Wellington

[16:36] I agree.

[16:37] I saw a lot of parallels between the movie Fireproof and the television program The Sopranos.

[16:42] Dan, don't forget about what you want to say.

[16:43] The respect issue being one of the most notable.

[16:46] The others being, you know, the-

[16:48] The unhappy of marriage.

[16:51] Also, all those-

[16:51] Yeah, there's marriage in both.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] All those scenes from Kirk Cameron is like, ah, a little mozzarella.

[16:56] Oh, some pursuit.

[16:57] Oh!

[16:58] Yeah, that.

[16:59] All the Italian guys in it, I think.

[17:01] There's some-

[17:02] The guys in the firemen were-

[17:03] Oh, by the way, there was a whole subplot where he was the head of a mob family and he

[17:06] has to keep everything under control, yeah.

[17:08] Yeah, yeah.

[17:09] Two-

Dan McCoy

[17:09] Basically the same thing.

[17:10] What were you going to say, Dan?

[17:11] I was just going to say that, like, this movie sort of-

[17:14] Made you rethink your marriage?

[17:16] Unless there's a bedrock of the idea that, oh, this marriage is really failing.

[17:21] You know, like, that's what we have to buy up top to go through everything else.

[17:25] We have to-

[17:25] We have to buy two things, I feel like.

[17:28] Number one, that there's some sort of spark of love between-

[17:31] That they loved each other at some point.

[17:33] Which you never get from them.

[17:35] You don't get that.

[17:36] And number two, that there's, like, a compelling reason why this marriage is breaking up.

[17:40] Now, all right.

[17:42] I think that it's probably true that divorces probably largely come from a million small

[17:50] things rather than one big thing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] I mean, speaking from personal experience with my own divorce-

[17:54] No, I was never married.

[17:55] With my parents are divorced, and really it was a matter of years of small things and eventually

[18:01] them drifting apart and just, you know, failed emotional connection.

[18:04] It wasn't like-

[18:05] There was no giant event that caused a rift.

Dan McCoy

[18:07] But in this case, the movie dramatizes that as Kirk Cameron really loves thinking about

[18:15] buying a boat.

[18:17] Hell yeah, he does.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] And here are their complaints about each other, aside from the respect.

[18:21] Yeah.

[18:21] When Kirk Cameron gets home from work, there's no food on the table, and Kirk Cameron refuses-

[18:26] And his wife says, you refuse to use the money you're saving for a boat to buy my crippled

[18:31] mother a new wheelchair and hospital bed.

Stuart Wellington

[18:33] Well, she specifically says things around the house.

[18:36] Things around the house, too.

[18:37] It's a nice house.

[18:39] It's nice and pretty clean.

Dan McCoy

[18:40] They've got granite countertops.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] Yeah, like, and she's like-

[18:43] They've got four red plates on the wall.

[18:45] Four-car garage.

[18:46] And she makes a comment like, the back door needs painting.

[18:50] Like, a boat costs more than a fucking painted door, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] But then eventually it comes out that her mother had a stroke and needs a new wheelchair

[18:57] and a hospital bed.

[18:58] So, it's the things left unsaid is what you're saying.

[19:00] Exactly, yes.

[19:01] But it seems like they- these- this is a couple that has drifted into marriage and is drifting

[19:07] apart, but there's no- you know, there's no reason for them to be married and there's

[19:11] no reason for them to divorce.

[19:13] Why do you think they got married originally?

[19:13] Like, a pregnancy scare or something?

[19:14] I think that had to have been it.

[19:16] He got her knocked up, then it turned out it was just hysterical, and then-

[19:20] Sure, I like it.

[19:20] Or maybe they loved each other when they were young and then they got brainwashed or got

[19:24] amnesia.

[19:25] Yeah, that makes sense.

[19:26] Or like-

[19:27] Aliens.

[19:27] Or aliens, yeah.

[19:29] They're really- the thing is, they never refer-

[19:32] He saved her from a fire.

[19:34] That's probably it.

[19:35] Yeah.

[19:36] But they never refer to any event in their past.

[19:39] Like, you would think it would be pretty standard for a movie about a married couple that they'd

[19:42] at least acknowledge how they met, things they used to do, like what life used to be like

[19:47] when they were married.

[19:49] Instead, you never hear about it.

[19:51] It's like they live in a vacuum.

[19:53] Or like the entire Earth came into existence when the movie started, and they were already

Stuart Wellington

[19:57] married.

[19:57] Well, yeah.

[19:58] It's like as Kirk Cameron's character opens his eyes in that first shot, that the entire

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] world-

[20:05] It came into existence.

[20:05] Yeah, it's like the Big Bang.

[20:06] Maybe Kirk Cameron is God in it, and he's rediscovering his own love.

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] It's similar to like the god Azathoth, and that all of our existence is but a dream

[20:14] as he lies sleeping somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] Or the Theodore Sturgeon book story, The Ultimate Egoist.

Dan McCoy

[20:20] Yeah, absolutely.

[20:21] I just feel like from a dramatic standpoint-

[20:23] More like Azathoth.

[20:25] We need more as an audience.

[20:27] Like, oh, uh-

[20:29] To hold together a two-hour film?

[20:31] Yes, we definitely do.

[20:32] It's like, Kirk Cameron gets angry, and he goes outside, and he throws the plastic trash

[20:40] can against the wall, and that's supposed to indicate that they have a terrible marriage.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] That's also- and that's the height of anger.

[20:46] Yeah.

[20:46] Him throwing the trash can around is the- a plastic trash can is the height of anger.

[20:50] Like, I'll do that-

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] What do you want him to do?

[20:53] Like, set a hobo on fire?

[20:54] No, but like-

Dan McCoy

[20:55] But that's pretty reasonable, though.

[20:56] Like, he's like, oh, I'm taking my anger outside.

[20:58] I'm- I'm letting it out on something completely inanimate.

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] Like, if I'm- if I'm taking out the garbage, and I get, like, water from the garbage on

[21:05] me, and it's gross on me-

[21:06] Dan, I've been mean to talk to you about that, by the way.

[21:07] Then I'll get mad and hit- and throw the garbage can.

[21:10] Like, it takes very little to get to that level of anger where you hit inanimate objects

[21:14] that you can't really hurt.

[21:15] I've been mean to talk to you guys about your anger issues.

Dan McCoy

[21:19] Look, we just hate trash cans, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] It didn't- it didn't have the cliche scene, though, where he-

[21:23] When does it end with trash cans?

Stuart Wellington

[21:25] Next step is small animals.

Elliott Kalan

[21:27] No, I think there's a lot of steps between trash cans and small animals.

Stuart Wellington

[21:29] Very, very, very fine line.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] At least toaster is in the middle there somewhere.

[21:35] You have a toaster?

[21:36] No, I don't have a toaster oven, but-

[21:39] But at least-

[21:39] Okay, fine.

[21:40] You don't have a toaster oven.

[21:41] And I- I guess I have to-

[21:42] Bratting about everything else.

[21:43] I guess- no, I do have a toaster oven.

[21:45] Uh, we- they don't- I guess we have to applaud the film for not including a scene where

[21:51] they have an argument, and Kirk Cameron raises his hand at her, and she flinches, and

[21:56] then he realizes what he's done and puts his hand down.

[21:58] Yeah, he stares at his hand, and he's like, oh my god!

[22:01] That would be going too far.

[22:02] It is realistic to say there are bad marriages when there isn't necessarily abuse.

[22:07] It's just two people who are not getting along.

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Yeah, I just- I- I neither feel that love, nor do I feel like the deep-seated hate.

[22:16] No.

[22:16] Like, it just seems like a couple of people who are kind of cranky with each other, and

[22:21] then the movie jumps to divorce, and then the movie jumps to-

[22:24] Like, a couple of roommates that are just kind of annoyed.

Elliott Kalan

[22:26] Yeah, and even when he gives himself up to God, which should be the height of spiritual

[22:31] ecstasy, you would think.

[22:32] Like, he has- he has learned to love God with all his heart.

[22:38] His- he can now repent of his sins.

[22:40] He can see how the world is.

[22:42] He can let reality wash over him.

[22:43] Even that is kind of like, ah, this is great!

[22:46] Mm-hmm.

[22:47] These are fine.

[22:48] You know-

[22:48] Like, hey, now I got some friends.

[22:49] I got some friends that are Christian, too.

[22:51] You know what?

[22:51] I believe in God, and heaven and hell, and the entire cosmology of the church.

[22:55] Eh.

[22:56] All right.

[22:56] It's pretty good.

[22:57] I smile a lot more.

[22:58] Exactly.

[22:58] Hey, let's get in a hot sauce drinking contest, guys.

[23:01] No, he does that before he discovers God.

[23:03] Oh.

[23:04] That's before?

[23:05] But he does- what's the brand of hot sauce?

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] It's Wrath of God.

[23:08] Yeah.

[23:09] The guy who drank it and burned his mouth was really prideful.

[23:14] Oh.

[23:14] Yeah.

[23:15] See?

Dan McCoy

[23:16] It's all falling into place, guys.

[23:17] There's a lot of lessons in this film.

[23:19] A lot of lessons.

[23:20] Story structure-wise, I sort of felt, too, like-

[23:23] It's terrible?

[23:24] Well, yeah.

[23:24] I mean, all of the significant things sort of happened right in the middle of the movie.

[23:28] Like, as you said, him, like, coming to God.

[23:32] And then also, like, the big fire in the film-

[23:36] Is in the middle.

[23:37] Yeah, it comes in the middle.

[23:38] There's no big climax where, oh, there's a big fire, and the wife rushes to his side.

[23:43] It's like, oh, no, he's stuck in the building, but I've realized I love him.

[23:48] Nothing like that.

Stuart Wellington

[23:49] You know what was great?

[23:49] It was right after that big fire, and he's at the hospital and everything.

[23:54] The doctor gives him some advice about it.

[23:56] He's like, yeah, you probably shouldn't put your wedding ring back on.

[23:59] You should let your hand have some time to heal because you've been burned.

[24:01] And he's like, hmm, I don't think so.

[24:04] I'm going to put this ring back on.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Does my hand have to heal around my ring?

[24:07] It's like, you know-

[24:08] That sounds horrific.

[24:10] Yeah, and now it's embedded in the skin.

Stuart Wellington

[24:12] Yeah.

[24:13] It's like that chunk of moon rock that-

[24:15] John Jameson?

[24:16] John Jameson got from the moon.

[24:17] Yeah, that turned him into man-wolf.

[24:18] Yeah, and they had to rip it out of his skin.

[24:20] So, yeah, it was just really weird.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] Or like the Darkhawk's mystic amulet.

[24:25] Yeah, exactly like the Darkhawk's mystic amulet.

[24:26] Yeah, they had to pull out of his chest.

Stuart Wellington

[24:28] But the thing about it-

[24:29] Or like the guy's heart in Temple of Doom.

[24:31] That's one of my problems.

[24:32] Or like if you get a splinter.

[24:34] That too.

[24:36] In no way, it's just an all-purpose religious type thing is when somebody's like, like,

[24:42] is this person's like, I'm clearly going to disregard the advice of somebody whose profession

[24:47] is healing, okay?

[24:49] I'm going to disregard this doctor's advice.

[24:52] Well, there was a doctor who was trying to get his wife to cheat on him.

[24:54] Yeah, but did he know that at that point?

[24:56] No, he didn't.

[24:56] See, that's the thing.

[24:57] Okay.

[24:57] I guess we, the audience, should disagree with him.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] Well, I mean, people also don't listen to doctors a lot of the time.

[25:02] I have a stand-up bit about it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] But why would the doctor have him suggest, like, even if he was an evil doctor, why would

[25:08] he want him not to wear his wedding ring?

[25:10] Does he know that's like the source of his powers or something?

[25:12] Maybe, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:13] He's like Green Lantern.

Stuart Wellington

[25:14] Okay.

[25:15] I was going to say like John Jameson and Manwolf.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] Yeah, or maybe John Jameson and Manwolf, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] Or Splinto.

[25:21] The Splinter's superhero.

Elliott Kalan

[25:23] Oh, yeah.

[25:25] Splinto.

[25:26] I have the ability to make splints really fast.

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] Yeah, what a-

[25:31] Okay.

[25:31] So, yeah, so that was my little tangent about ignoring doctor's advice.

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:36] Apparently, you don't have to listen to doctors when you're on the love dare.

[25:42] Well, you're only supposed to listen to the love dare manual.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] Oh, okay.

[25:45] Not doctors.

[25:46] His dad is so even-keeled throughout the entire film.

[25:49] Like, I was waiting for the scene where he pops some sort of antidepressant or mood-altering pill.

Stuart Wellington

[25:55] Yeah, like, I imagine this guy poops maybe once a week.

[26:00] Oh, no.

[26:00] Once a day, very regular.

[26:02] Because he takes care of his system.

[26:04] Nice.

[26:05] It's a little, like, owl pellet-like turd.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] It doesn't smell that bad.

[26:09] You can pull it apart and find the bones.

[26:11] Sure.

[26:12] Yeah, that makes sense.

[26:13] It's like, oh, look what I made.

[26:15] It's a perfectly spheroid ball, kind of like an old musket bullet.

Dan McCoy

[26:18] He just wanders the woods in his cable-knit sweater, leading Kirk Cameron to a cross that he didn't realize.

[26:27] He didn't realize that's where he was headed, but everyone lives up at the cross.

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] Yeah, because when they first find that place, isn't Kirk Cameron like, hey, that must be from that old summer camp they left here.

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] Well, the dad kind of pretends he doesn't know it's there.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] He's like, oh, funny, we ended up over here, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[26:43] Didn't realize this cross was on the grounds of my estate.

[26:45] Yeah.

[26:47] Maybe.

[26:47] They never explained where that location is.

[26:49] Yeah, that's weird.

[26:53] There's a lot of vagueness about the film.

[26:56] I guess that's fair.

[26:57] Very generic.

[26:58] Including in the way it's shot.

[27:00] Yes.

[27:00] Everything about it, it's like in Repo Man when they would drink beer and it would just be a can that said beer on the side.

[27:06] Or just boxes that said food.

[27:08] That's this movie in a lot of ways.

Dan McCoy

[27:10] So you guys have anything you want to say about the shenanigans down at the station house?

[27:15] No, they were stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] Yeah, they tried to add some comedy, right?

Elliott Kalan

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] But it was so jarring.

[27:22] It was like, uh-oh, well, let's take a little trip and see what Horatio Sands is doing at the firehouse.

[27:26] Well, and then there's that other...

[27:27] Not really.

[27:28] The world's fattest firemen are up here.

[27:31] They deal with so many fires and yet all their firemen are so out of shape.

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] Yeah, I mean, well, they're so busy fighting fires they don't have time to exercise, I think.

[27:40] But they do have time to eat submarine sandwiches, I would imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] They just eat them in the truck on the way to the fire.

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] The other weird character was the one fireman who gives Kirk Cameron advice exclusively through metaphors.

Elliott Kalan

[27:53] His bag of ants, if you will.

[27:54] Yeah.

[27:55] He's an African-American who also has had his marriage problems.

[27:58] He has already accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

[28:01] And he gives him advice through metaphors like the salt and pepper shakers.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:05] Gluing salt and pepper shakers together equals a marriage.

[28:10] You think that was the point?

[28:12] There was something else.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] I mean, in some ancient Christian cultures, that's how you symbolize the marriage ceremony.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] Then you shatter the salt and pepper shakers and...

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] The mixing of the salt and the pepper represents the new life.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] After you're married, you have to have both salt and pepper on everything.

[28:27] Exactly.

[28:27] It doesn't matter what it is.

[28:29] Maybe you just want salt.

[28:30] No?

[28:31] Pepper's there too.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] It's the way it works.

[28:34] That's a compromise.

[28:35] That's a marriage.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] Listen, when you're married, you don't get to control how your food is seasoned because

[28:39] your wife cooks it the way she likes it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:41] That's marriage.

[28:42] The people at Reese's were trying to go for a slightly different metaphor, but Kirk Cameron

[28:48] wasn't having it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] Can't we say that marriage is like a bag of M&Ms?

Dan McCoy

[28:54] That's a polyamorous marriage with all the different types of M&Ms.

[28:58] And that doesn't fit the cosmology.

[28:59] No, not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[29:00] Well, it was a very well-meaning film.

[29:02] Poorly made.

Dan McCoy

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:04] I think we can get on to Final Judgments.

[29:06] Okay.

[29:06] Final Judgments.

[29:09] So this is where we decide whether the movie was a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or

[29:16] a movie that we actually liked.

[29:18] So, Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] Well, I think it's pretty clear the type of things I like in a movie, and this movie didn't

[29:26] have any of those.

[29:26] What would those be?

[29:27] Like blood, boobs?

Dan McCoy

[29:28] You know, like some violence, some boobs, you know, some yucks.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] Like a rapping grandma?

[29:33] Yeah, or a foul-mouthed rapping grandma.

[29:36] A werewolf?

[29:37] At least one fart.

[29:39] A werewolf?

[29:41] Yeah, absolutely.

[29:42] This movie was particularly fartless.

Dan McCoy

[29:43] A president that's also a werewolf?

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] Man.

[29:47] Don't get away with my screenplay ID.

[29:49] Okay.

[29:50] So, obviously this movie...

[29:51] It's called President by Day.

[29:53] This movie had none of those things.

[29:56] So, I'm going to have to say, anyway, it wasn't very enjoyable.

[29:59] It was a bad, bad movie.

[30:00] However, you know, once again, I think it is well-intentioned.

[30:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:04] No, it's certainly sweet-natured, but that doesn't change the fact that it's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] So was 10,000 BC, you know?

[30:11] No, that was not sweet-natured.

[30:12] That was crass and horrible.

Dan McCoy

[30:15] Yeah, what I would say about this movie is...

[30:17] So was The Invasion.

[30:18] No, again, crass, mercenary.

[30:21] If this film was an hour long, I would say that it was a good, bad movie.

[30:27] Because it is ineptly made in a way that could often be very funny.

[30:32] However, the fact that it was padded to such an extraordinary length ultimately just made it dull.

[30:38] So I would say that on that level, it's a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] I'm going to have to agree with you guys.

[30:45] It was...

[30:46] You're not rocking the boat on this one?

[30:47] No, I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] You look like you kind of want to.

Elliott Kalan

[30:50] Well, no, because I didn't enjoy it, but it's...

[30:53] I guess I would...

[30:53] Okay, I'll say it's a good, bad movie, but not in the way of like,

[30:56] this is a movie that's hilarious to sit down and make fun of,

[30:59] which it has kind of the reputation of a little bit right now.

Stuart Wellington

[31:01] Well, yeah, you want to do like a drinking game,

[31:03] where every time somebody does something stupid...

[31:07] I don't know.

[31:08] Where whenever somebody...

[31:09] Yeah, you get really drunk.

[31:11] I've never actually participated in a drinking game.

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] But you have to give it credit...

[31:15] I mean, I will give it credit for being a movie that was made,

[31:17] I assume, to be shown in churches to married couples who are having problems.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] This movie was actually a fairly big financial success.

[31:25] I mean, I think it's the most successful religious film, like specifically like...

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] A little thing called the Ten Commandments.

[31:32] Well, okay.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] Put out by like a company that specializes in religious films.

[31:37] I'm talking...

[31:38] A little thing called...

[31:41] Yeah, it was a...

Elliott Kalan

[31:43] The Rankin-Bass Christmas specials.

Dan McCoy

[31:46] It was a big enough thing that it definitely charted when it was released.

[31:51] It may have been actually number one for whatever weekend, like whatever, like...

[31:55] I don't think that happened.

[31:55] Deep winter weekend.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] Maybe number two.

[31:58] Maybe that was the weekend that all the other movie theaters in the country were closed.

Dan McCoy

[32:02] I might just be thinking that it would open in the top five, which is still a big triumph.

[32:05] But it was not unsuccessful.

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] No, no.

[32:10] But at the same time, they're...

[32:12] I don't think when they made it, they were setting out to make a number one.

[32:15] They were making a...

[32:16] Trying to make a hit film.

[32:17] I think they were trying to make...

[32:18] They had a message they wanted to get across, and they did it in the most gentle, boring

[32:21] way possible.

Stuart Wellington

[32:23] And if in the process they made a little bit of money, all the better.

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] Fireproof, too.

[32:29] And frankly, Kirk Cameron wins me over with knowing that he believes what he's saying

[32:33] in the movie.

[32:34] Sure.

[32:34] Like, as much as I don't believe what he believes, there is...

[32:38] And a lot of people make fun of him about it.

[32:39] Like, there is something genuine in his almost maniacal faith in Christianity.

Stuart Wellington

[32:44] Mm-hmm.

[32:45] So, Fireproof 2, what's the setup?

[32:48] Okay.

[32:49] It's a financial success.

[32:50] We need to build on that.

[32:51] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[32:52] We thought all their marriage problems were solved.

[32:55] Uh-oh.

[32:56] There's a hotter doctor in town.

[32:57] Oh, man.

[32:58] And at the same time, a sexy firehouse inspector from the government comes by, and she's got

[33:03] her eyes set on Caleb.

[33:05] And she's a boatist.

[33:07] I'm a boatist.

[33:07] And she owns a boat.

[33:08] She lives on a houseboat.

[33:10] A boat aficionado.

[33:11] At the same time, what's this?

[33:13] The arsonist from Fireproof is back.

[33:15] A rash of fires hits the small town of Albany, Georgia, and only Caleb can put them to rest

[33:20] for good.

Stuart Wellington

[33:20] Or maybe Caleb's mom and dad have a da-da-da-da-da-da-divorce.

[33:26] Think about it.

[33:27] That would throw his world into turmoil.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] Maybe the love dare doesn't work.

[33:31] Does he have to reconsider his relationship with what's-her-name?

[33:34] There's a lot going on in Fireproof 2 proof in it.

Stuart Wellington

[33:37] Or maybe it's years down the road, and the love dare is spread kind of like in the ring.

[33:42] In like the ring too.

[33:44] And somehow all the love dare is creating some kind of weird gestalt consciousness.

[33:50] Maybe.

[33:50] That's going to devour all humans.

[33:52] Is that what happens in the ring too?

[33:53] I never saw it.

[33:54] I don't remember.

[33:55] I just remember that a bunch of CGI deer attacked a car.

[33:58] And I remember when we saw it in the theater, this lady got really mad at another lady for

[34:01] spilling nachos on her.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] Well, I'll remember that one.

Stuart Wellington

[34:05] I'll look out for that scene when I watch it on DVD.

[34:08] It's going to be hard to catch.

Dan McCoy

[34:10] I was going to tell you.

[34:11] It's going to be hard for you to spot.

[34:13] Anyone out there listening, it's a good game for you.

[34:16] You can imagine which scene that might have occurred during.

[34:19] That there was a fight between two women in the movie theater right behind me and Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[34:23] and somebody spilled nachos on somebody else.

Elliott Kalan

[34:26] It reminds me of a story.

[34:27] A friend of mine went with her then boyfriend to see, I think, The Hollow Man, and she really

[34:31] didn't enjoy it, so she was leaving the theater.

[34:34] And someone she didn't know, a stranger, saw her walking out and yelled to her,

[34:38] Hey, where are you going?

[34:39] Movie's not over.

[34:41] That's awesome.

[34:42] Like, what do you care, buddy?

[34:44] It was Kevin Bacon.

[34:46] Kevin Bacon with a mustache.

[34:49] Someone so, like, I could see yelling that if I, you know, when I went to see The Prestige,

[34:53] if someone had walked out, because I really liked that movie a lot.

[34:55] Or like Schindler's List or something.

[34:57] Well, yeah.

[34:58] It was a movie that, you know, had a message or something.

[35:01] Or something I particularly cared deeply about.

[35:03] But I don't think anyone feels the way about The Hollow Man.

[35:06] Certainly not on first viewing.

Dan McCoy

[35:07] It's one of the lesser Verhovens.

[35:09] Of the many lesser Verhovens.

[35:11] Like Flesh and Blood or something.

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:14] So, although, hey, let's not say many lesser Verhovens,

[35:18] because...

[35:18] Yeah, it's a little rough.

[35:19] Okay, sorry.

[35:20] He's got some great movies, too.

[35:22] But that's, you know, a story for another day.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] Okay.

[35:26] Dan, you look like you want to talk about something.

Dan McCoy

[35:28] I may have a letter here.

Elliott Kalan

[35:29] I may have a letter for you.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] I may have a letter for all of this.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] It's me, Dan McCoy.

[35:35] Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

[35:36] Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

[35:38] I almost got to meet your parents today, Dan, and I'm sorry I didn't,

[35:40] because I imagine they have very heavy Irish accents.

Dan McCoy

[35:43] That's not true at all.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Pleasure to meet you, Elliot.

[35:46] I'm Mr. Master McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[35:48] We may actually be Scottish, although I've never seen any evidence.

[35:52] Pleasure to meet you.

[35:54] There you go.

[35:54] That's good.

[35:55] I'm like in the room.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] You're a friend of me son Daniel's.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] And so forth.

[36:00] Is Mike Myers in the room with us?

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] What a very nice to meet a friend of my son Daniel McCoy.

[36:06] Dana Carvey's here, too.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] Going off in a crazy direction there.

[36:12] Oi!

[36:13] My boy Dan told me a little about you.

[36:16] Daniel Craig!

[36:19] Okay.

[36:20] Yes, Daniel?

[36:22] I have a letter here.

[36:24] And it's from Fed, last name withheld.

[36:27] And it says, Dear Floppers, I've been...

[36:29] Fred?

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:31] Fed.

[36:32] Oh, okay.

[36:33] Fed, no R.

[36:34] I've been following your podcast since the beginning,

[36:36] and I'm happy to report that it has become my favorite.

[36:40] It wasn't your favorite story?

[36:41] Yeah, I don't like that at all.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] I guess when Elliot Kalin joined the crew,

[36:46] that's when it reached the top.

Stuart Wellington

[36:47] That's when Faith House moved to bi-monthly.

Dan McCoy

[36:51] That was the third kind of heat.

[36:54] But it says,

[36:56] Every week I think of movies that I would like to suggest you see,

[36:58] but have refrained from doing so,

[37:00] mainly because I don't want to waste your time with films

[37:02] you would never accept being so far out of the range

[37:05] of what you consider flop-housable.

[37:07] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Don't waste our time.

[37:11] Thank you.

[37:11] I appreciate your restraint.

[37:12] We're busy.

[37:13] Very busy.

[37:14] We don't have the time to read the title of a movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:18] Could you provide, we the listeners,

[37:20] with some guidelines for film genres,

[37:22] types, periods, or styles

[37:24] that you would consider worthy of watching and discussion,

[37:27] or should we look at the list of already reviewed films

[37:29] and make our conclusions?

[37:31] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[37:31] I like that he adds that option as if we're too lazy.

[37:36] Just look at what we did already.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] Draw your own fucking conclusions.

[37:40] Why don't you?

[37:41] Jerk.

[37:42] I am loathe to codify our method of thinking,

[37:46] our modus operandi.

[37:47] But there are some guidelines.

[37:49] There are some guidelines, yes.

[37:51] If you want to create your own flop house.

[37:53] Take an ordinary cardboard box,

[37:56] cut out a hole.

[37:56] I thought Dan already did this.

[37:58] Oh yeah, you're right.

[38:00] Well, yeah, Dan,

[38:01] how would you describe the movies we watch?

[38:03] What are the guidelines?

Stuart Wellington

[38:03] Give us at least one guideline.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] Yeah, and we'll take it from there.

[38:06] Like we always do, right, Stuart?

[38:08] Yeah.

[38:09] Number one.

Dan McCoy

[38:10] Set up the jokes.

[38:11] We'll knock it out of the park.

[38:12] It should be a movie that...

[38:14] Yeah, of course it should be a movie.

[38:16] Hey!

[38:16] Let's go!

[38:17] Let's go!

[38:19] Okay, keep going, Dan.

[38:20] The exit, stage left.

[38:23] It should be a film that is...

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] Oh, a film now.

[38:25] Guys put it on airs.

[38:27] No!

[38:27] A movie's not good enough for them.

Dan McCoy

[38:29] That is relatively new to DVD or premium cable.

[38:36] Sure.

[38:36] Why is that?

[38:37] It was in the theater not too long ago.

[38:38] To give it some sort of air of relevance or currency.

[38:43] And, you know, the older bad films have been picked to death by your Mystery Science Theater 3000s and such.

[38:53] And, you know, they've done a much better job at it than we could probably, so...

Stuart Wellington

[38:57] Because part of what this podcast is is a service.

[39:00] Yeah.

[39:00] We're giving people advice mainly not to rent these specific shitty movies because they're not very good.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] Yeah, and if you enjoy yourself along the way, that's great.

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] Yeah, okay.

[39:09] It's gravy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:10] But really, we're soaking in our own gravy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:12] Okay, so that's rule number one.

[39:14] Got to be somewhat current.

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] Relatively recent.

[39:17] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] Not still in theaters, though.

[39:19] It's true.

[39:19] Because we actually don't make very much money.

[39:21] We're not going to speak for yourself.

[39:23] Why don't you toss one?

[39:24] We are not millionaires.

[39:25] They shouldn't always be horror movies because I've been yelled at in the past for always suggesting horror movies.

[39:32] No, that's not why.

[39:33] We just want to have a variety.

[39:35] Oh!

[39:36] But horror movies often work best.

[39:39] Okay, fine.

[39:39] A certain kind of horror thriller.

[39:40] That's true.

[39:41] If you are contemplating suggesting a movie that stars Nicolas Cage as opposed to one that doesn't, recommend the one with Nicolas Cage in it.

[39:49] That's a good guideline.

[39:49] Unless it's Honeymoon in Vegas.

Dan McCoy

[39:51] But you bring up a good thing.

[39:52] Well, because that doesn't fit the first rule now, does it?

[39:54] Good point.

[39:55] You bring up something good with the horror thing, though, in that horror films, thrillers, dramas, suspense.

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Action.

[40:03] Action.

Dan McCoy

[40:04] Adventure.

[40:04] Usually much more.

[40:06] Thrill a minute.

[40:08] There's more ground to till than with comedies because a bad comedy is just unpleasant.

[40:15] Although we've done comedies, but there's been a reason usually.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] They're less fun for us to do.

[40:21] And also, it's like a suspense or a thriller or an action or a horror movie.

[40:25] You kind of know what you're expecting going in.

[40:28] So seeing how it fails to provide that or provide something different is kind of interesting.

Dan McCoy

[40:34] Yeah.

[40:35] Sure.

[40:36] Elliot, any thoughts?

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] I would say it should be.

[40:40] I mean, Fireproof doesn't quite fit this.

[40:42] But in theory, or maybe it does.

[40:43] It should be a fairly high-profile film in some way.

[40:47] Right.

[40:47] Like, it should not be.

[40:48] We're not here to shit on people's dreams.

[40:50] Like, some guy scraped together $15,000 and made a movie and it's terrible.

[40:55] That's no fun to make fun of.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] I like the movie Memory starring Billy Zane.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] I didn't see that one.

[41:00] I wasn't in the group then.

[41:01] Okay.

[41:02] But, like, last week we tried to watch Babylon AD.

[41:05] That kind of thing is perfect because it's a big budget movie starring a movie star and it got a big release and it's total shit.

[41:12] Like, something that...

[41:14] And what a star.

[41:15] And what a star.

[41:15] Mr. Vincent Dizelowitz.

[41:18] But something like, you know, Mirrors with Kiefer Sutherland or the Bratz movie because it's a big tie-in with a merchandising thing.

[41:28] Like, something that was supposed to be a release of some note or they were hoping to get their money back.

[41:33] Right.

[41:34] Not something where someone, like, staked his whole, you know, future on this and didn't know what was going to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[41:39] Well, something that at least you might have seen a poster for at a bus stop.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] That's a good way to put it, yeah.

[41:44] Something you would have seen advertised near you.

Stuart Wellington

[41:46] I don't want to fucking see that movie and then, you know, down the line somebody talks bad about it on a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] I have begun to almost, like, salivate when I see posters for...

[41:54] Like, when I first saw the billboard for Swing Vote, I was like, oh, we're going to watch that for Flophouse.

[42:00] It's going to be great.

[42:01] And it was okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:02] I kind of feel that way about the current Angels and Demons posters.

Elliott Kalan

[42:07] That one...

[42:07] It's going to be good is what you're saying.

[42:09] It looks so boring.

[42:10] Yeah, it is going to be really boring.

[42:11] The idea that all of history, rather than being, like, this crazy confluence of events that happened almost at random with different people who all have their own motives, like butting heads and strange things happening, that instead of that, history is a puzzle game that you need to use to find a treasure.

[42:28] Like, Myst?

[42:28] Yeah, it's really...

[42:30] Or Resident Evil, I guess.

[42:31] As an amateur historian, it kind of takes a lot of the fun out of the existence of human civilization.

Dan McCoy

[42:37] I had a guideline in my head, but I totally lost it.

[42:41] Oh.

[42:41] I had two, and I can only remember one.

[42:44] And the one that I can remember is, you know, someone on the Facebook page where you can...

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] When you said page, I was like, oh, thank goodness, because I thought you were about to say, on the Facebook, like an old man would.

Dan McCoy

[42:55] Someone on the Facebook recommended, you know, tossed out an idea for a movie to do, and it was Black Sheep.

[43:04] And that movie is, you know, clearly, you know, tongue-in-cheek.

[43:08] It's campy, you know, it's about killer sheep.

Stuart Wellington

[43:10] Yeah, I think I recommended it at one point for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[43:13] Yeah, I mean, it's a movie that trades in, you know, certain, like...

[43:17] It's jokey.

[43:18] Yeah.

[43:19] It's trying to be bad to some degree.

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] There should be a certain amount of sincerity of purpose, is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[43:23] Right.

[43:24] You can't make fun of something that's already taking the piss out of itself.

[43:28] Unless it does it very poorly.

[43:30] Yeah.

[43:30] But it's not worth it.

[43:33] And because I can't think of the other one, maybe we should move on.

[43:36] Do you have any thoughts?

[43:37] Last thoughts?

[43:37] No.

Stuart Wellington

[43:38] So wait, let's go over that list again.

Dan McCoy

[43:40] Oh, and you can't talk about Fight Club.

Stuart Wellington

[43:43] Yeah.

[43:43] Okay.

[43:44] It's the final rule.

[43:45] So it's got to be somewhat current.

[43:48] It shouldn't be like a small budget thing.

[43:50] It should be something people know about.

[43:52] Big stars help.

[43:53] Big stars help.

[43:55] If possible, you know, a nice variety of, like, topics.

[44:00] Though, comedies are best left alone.

Elliott Kalan

[44:02] And thriller.

[44:03] And you're on pretty safe ground with horror, thriller type things.

Stuart Wellington

[44:08] And, wait, I think that was...

[44:10] I lost track of what we were talking about.

[44:11] See, this is a problem.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] And no campiness.

[44:13] No campy.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:14] Absolutely.

[44:15] Okay.

[44:16] Shrimp scampy, maybe.

[44:17] Nice.

[44:19] So...

[44:20] So what's next?

[44:21] Ellie likes things that rhyme.

[44:23] I love...

[44:24] There's...

[44:24] Like many people with mental disabilities, I enjoy, for some reason, rhyming words that

[44:30] are...

[44:30] The meanings are not connected to each other.

Stuart Wellington

[44:33] Okay.

[44:34] Okay.

[44:34] So campy scampy.

[44:38] What's the next thing we do here?

Dan McCoy

[44:40] We're recommending movies at this point.

[44:41] Okay.

[44:42] That's cool.

[44:42] We've exhausted our reservoirs of hate.

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] Are we...

[44:45] Are we...

[44:45] Is there any sort of prize for someone who chooses...

[44:48] Who recommends a movie and then we actually do it?

[44:50] Aside from our dulcet tones talking about the movie they recommended?

Dan McCoy

[44:54] They can...

[44:56] Brag about...

[44:57] Bragging rights.

[44:57] I don't...

[44:58] Okay.

[44:58] Someone did recommend Fireproof.

[45:01] Okay.

[45:02] Why?

[45:02] That was something that came in via email.

[45:04] Because they worried about our marriages.

[45:06] Oh my god.

[45:07] I can't answer that question.

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] Was it your wife that recommended it?

Dan McCoy

[45:12] The person who recommended it could write in and say why they recommended it.

[45:16] Yeah.

[45:16] Please do.

[45:17] The email address again is theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[45:22] Oh, you snuck that in.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] I gotta say...

[45:24] I gotta say...

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] I gotta say about Fireproof.

[45:25] It was not...

[45:25] It didn't live up to the...

[45:27] It was not good, but it didn't live up to the reputation of hilariously awful.

[45:31] If only because I don't find Kirk Cameron's religious faith immediately laughable.

[45:38] Yeah.

[45:38] No, that's fair.

[45:39] Not immediately.

[45:40] It has to grow on you.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:41] Oh, I...

[45:42] It wasn't The Room, is what I'm saying.

[45:44] If you guys have...

[45:45] I don't know if you guys have seen that yet, but...

[45:47] Yeah.

[45:47] That's a hilariously bad movie.

[45:50] But one we wouldn't watch here because it's...

[45:53] Until it became famous for being bad, it was a tiny thing that a guy made, and it's not

[45:58] that relevant anymore.

[45:59] It's been out for a couple years.

[46:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:02] So, who wants...

[46:04] Okay, I'll get started.

[46:07] Such a half-hearted offering to others.

[46:09] Hey, so a movie that I saw recently that I do recommend is a little Spanish thriller called

[46:16] Time Crimes.

[46:18] That rhymes.

[46:19] Yeah, I know.

[46:20] That's what's great about it.

[46:20] Yeah, I love it already.

[46:22] Time Crimes with Lime.

[46:24] It's a little low-budget.

[46:25] It's a little low-budget movie.

[46:27] It takes place in a relatively small area and over a shorter period of time, in a way.

[46:34] And it's just great because it's really tight, tightly written.

[46:39] And, yeah, it's cool.

[46:41] It's called Time Crimes.

[46:42] Time Crimes.

[46:44] It's easy to remember because it rhymes.

[46:46] Yeah, time rhymes.

[46:47] Yeah.

[46:48] It's time rhymes.

[46:49] You'll see that movie, Crime Time.

[46:51] I mean, it's gotten a fair amount of good reviews, but I'd still recommend it.

[46:55] Put it in your little...

[46:57] Go over to your internet and go over to your queue for your Netflix and just drag, point

[47:02] and click, drag it over.

[47:03] That's not how Netflix works.

[47:04] Put it into the bin and then top of queue.

[47:07] Top of queue.

[47:08] Okay.

[47:09] And then hit refresh.

Dan McCoy

[47:10] All right.

[47:11] So, okay.

[47:11] So you can look at it sitting there on the top of your queue.

Stuart Wellington

[47:14] Now log off.

[47:16] Log off.

Elliott Kalan

[47:17] Then shut off the computer and hit it with a baseball bat as in fireproof.

Dan McCoy

[47:20] All right.

[47:21] So Stuart recommends Nightline.

[47:24] Stuart Coppola's Nightline.

[47:26] Night rhymes.

[47:26] I thought it was called Fight Night.

[47:28] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] Fright Night.

[47:30] I do recommend Fright Night.

[47:32] If you're not going to watch Time Crimes, watch Fright Night.

[47:34] You got it.

[47:35] Friday Night Lights.

[47:35] You got it.

[47:36] I'd recommend that as well.

[47:39] Excite Bite.

[47:40] Excite Bite?

[47:41] Excite Bite for the good of yes.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] I recommend that too.

[47:44] Price Right.

[47:44] You got it.

Stuart Wellington

[47:45] The best part about Excite Bite is when you can make your own course and you just make a course of all the biggest ramps.

[47:53] It never works right.

[47:54] You don't space it out.

[47:55] You're always like, hey dude, check out this awesome course I made.

[47:58] And it was always just like the biggest ramps.

[48:00] Like, that's so boring.

[48:02] Like, you're trying to make your bike go into outer space or something.

Dan McCoy

[48:07] That's where that old saying comes from, which is growing older is the process of learning how to make better Excite Bite courses.

[48:17] Yep.

[48:18] I think it was Robert Frost who said that.

[48:20] Yeah.

[48:20] I want to recommend Trans-Siberian starring Emily Mortimer and Woody Allen.

[48:26] Woody Harrelson, you mean?

[48:27] Yeah.

[48:29] I mean, Woody Allen would be an interesting...

Elliott Kalan

[48:31] You're right.

[48:32] This train is...

[48:33] We're in trouble and there's a train and we're...

[48:36] Ben Kingsley, why are you on it?

[48:38] Treads.

Dan McCoy

[48:39] Siberian.

[48:40] Kikagad once said that...

[48:42] It reminds me of a joke about a train going through Siberia.

[48:47] Max, we gotta get through Siberia.

Stuart Wellington

[48:49] I'm glad...

[48:50] Because initially your impressions sound a lot more like Snagglepuss.

Dan McCoy

[48:54] Exit stage Trans-Siberian.

Stuart Wellington

[48:57] I'm glad you kind of saved it there.

[48:59] Why do you like this movie, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[49:01] I like it because it's a...

[49:03] You know, it's a solid thriller.

[49:06] It's done by the guy who did Session 9 and the Machinist, which are both good movies, not great movies in my opinion.

[49:14] But this movie has a lot of the style of those earlier movies with a better script, stronger acting.

[49:22] And it's a movie that's well within traditional thriller outlines.

[49:28] But when watching it, I never quite knew where I was headed next.

[49:32] So it was good at surprising you, which is what a good suspense film should do.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] And there's Woody Harrelson's in it, huh?

Dan McCoy

[49:39] Woody Harrelson's in it, not Woody Allen.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Is he on a comeback?

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] Is he...

[49:45] I mean, Trans-Siberian was probably not the right vehicle for him to make his comeback.

[49:48] Yeah.

[49:48] It was in and out of theaters.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] It got some festival play and then, yeah, it disappeared from theaters almost immediately.

[49:53] So is that...

[49:55] Can I go to my queue and just queue that one up?

Stuart Wellington

[49:59] Is that an instant view?

[50:01] It might be.

[50:02] It is an instant view.

[50:02] Oh, man.

[50:03] Heck.

[50:03] You don't need to drag it.

[50:04] You guys can start watching it right now.

[50:07] Just put that into your instant queue.

[50:09] Why are you listening to the Flophouse?

Elliott Kalan

[50:10] You could be watching Trans-Siberian right now.

Stuart Wellington

[50:12] Go over it on to Xbox Live and go to Netflix Watch Instantly and hit Play.

[50:20] Okay, cool.

[50:21] Now, finish listening to this, though.

Dan McCoy

[50:24] All right.

[50:24] That was slightly more accurate in the way that Netflix works.

[50:28] So, um...

[50:29] What's Alex Daniani?

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] I got...

[50:31] Sorry.

[50:31] I figured you would edit that out.

[50:34] I have...

[50:35] Not this week.

[50:36] Awkward.

Dan McCoy

[50:37] Not this week.

[50:37] I'm headed off to Costa Rica.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] Oh, yeah.

[50:40] Escaping the...

[50:40] Why are you on the CR?

[50:41] Johnny Law's on his trail.

Dan McCoy

[50:43] Oh.

[50:43] On the land from Johnny Law.

Stuart Wellington

[50:45] I thought it was because of the World Wide Surfing Championships are in Costa Rica.

[50:49] Yeah.

[50:50] And you need to save your car wash restaurant.

Dan McCoy

[50:54] I'm a pair...

[50:54] With bikinis.

[50:56] Yeah.

[50:56] I'm a pairing in the film Surf's Up.

[50:59] That...

[51:00] Is that that penguin surfing film?

[51:02] Probably.

[51:02] Yeah, I think so.

[51:03] Yeah.

[51:04] That's me.

[51:04] I'm one of those surfing penguins.

[51:05] No, it's a computer generator.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] No, but I mean, is this a live action version?

[51:09] Or are you going back in time?

Elliott Kalan

[51:10] It's people who surf with penguin costumes on.

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] Yes.

[51:13] I'd be into that.

Elliott Kalan

[51:14] You can either dress up as a penguin or as Danny DeVito in Batman Returns.

Stuart Wellington

[51:19] What character did he play in that?

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] He played Oswald Cobblepot the penguin.

Stuart Wellington

[51:26] Wait.

[51:27] The Batman bad guy?

[51:29] Yes.

[51:31] So he wasn't Mr. Freeze or something?

[51:33] No, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger in a different movie.

[51:35] And the Joker wasn't in that one?

[51:36] No, that was in the previous film.

[51:38] Okay.

[51:38] He was the penguin?

[51:39] Are you sure?

[51:39] Yes.

[51:40] Okay, fine.

[51:40] I'll check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] Okay.

[51:44] I'm going to recommend two movies very quickly.

[51:46] The first is an Italian crime film called Gomorrah, which is about the Neapolitan crime

[51:53] organization.

[51:54] Neapolitan, that's delicious.

[51:56] Yeah, it's a crime organization that's vanilla chocolate and what, strawberry?

[52:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:01] They shouldn't taste good together, but they do.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] It's all about, it's about a couple different characters who are living in Naples.

[52:07] Each of them deals with, I think it's called the Camorra, the crime organization there in

[52:13] different ways it affects their lives.

[52:15] But it's not like, you're never dealing with the head of the family or it's not like the

[52:20] Godfather where they kind of lead you through it and there's a romantic aspect to it.

[52:24] It's a very grim movie that is just about like, well, in the place these characters live, there's

[52:29] no way to avoid your life being touched for organized crime.

[52:33] It's somewhere in the background, but occasionally they get killed because that's the way organized

[52:37] crime works.

[52:38] And it's just very like, it's almost like watching a war movie that's about people who are not

[52:43] on the front lines, but are just kind of living either behind the lines or in a town somewhere

[52:50] maybe.

[52:50] And the war is right outside the town and occasionally affects them, but not always.

[52:55] It's just an interesting way to take a look at that without making it kind of like Godfather

[52:59] or Goodfellas kind of like romantic, ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a gangster, a rise

[53:05] and fall of an inepic tale of American whatever.

[53:08] You know, this is Naples, just the way things happen.

[53:11] Organized crime is almost like a fact of, like a natural force there, the way the movie

[53:15] puts it across.

[53:16] And the other movie is, that's a new movie that's in a few theaters right now.

[53:20] Another movie, the other movie is an old movie that I saw just this weekend called The

[53:23] Devil and Daniel Webster, which is like...

Dan McCoy

[53:26] Is this the version that has Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Elliott Kalan

[53:30] No, this is not the unreleased version with Alec Baldwin, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Anthony

[53:34] Hopkins.

[53:36] This is the version from the early 40s, originally released under the title All That Money Can

[53:40] Buy, which is fucking stupid, because The Devil and Daniel Webster is a great title.

[53:45] I don't know why you would change it.

[53:46] And plus it was released at a time when ordinary people knew who Daniel Webster was.

[53:50] So it's doubly a good title.

[53:52] But about a man who sells his...

[53:54] In the 1840s, sells his soul to the devil, played by Walter Houston.

[54:00] And when the time comes that the devil is going to take his soul and creepy shit is going on

[54:05] all over the place, he gets the great orator of American history, Daniel Webster, to come

[54:09] and defend him before a jury of the damned to get his soul back.

[54:14] And it's like funny at times and kind of very poetic at times in the way it's shot.

[54:19] But overall, it's just like a really good classic fantasy story with some creepy horror

[54:24] elements and some genuinely kind of spooky scenes.

[54:28] And Walter Houston, who plays the devil, is fantastic.

[54:31] He's like the quietest devil in the world, this very like New England rural traveler devil.

[54:38] And he's just really good in it.

[54:39] And I highly recommend it.

[54:41] And the score for it won an Oscar for best score for Bernard Herrmann, who of course would

[54:46] go on to do most of Hitchcock's American movies.

[54:49] As well as Citizen Kane.

[54:52] So that's a safe bet.

[54:54] Yeah.

[54:54] When it comes to scores, that's a safe bet.

[54:57] But I watched it this weekend.

[54:59] I really liked it a lot.

[55:00] And so much that I yesterday went and ordered the DVD for it after I watched it on TV.

[55:06] Oh, wow.

[55:07] That's what I'm going to want to revisit.

Dan McCoy

[55:10] Hey, I thought of another good thing that movies should be.

[55:13] Okay.

[55:13] For the Flophouse.

[55:14] Sure.

[55:15] 90 minutes long.

[55:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:16] That would be 90 minutes or less.

Dan McCoy

[55:18] Yeah.

[55:19] Especially because Elliot really likes to get home and get to sleep because he has a demanding

[55:23] job.

Elliott Kalan

[55:23] It's not even get to sleep.

[55:25] I like to go home and see my girlfriend before I go to sleep.

[55:28] It's always been...

Dan McCoy

[55:29] It sounds like someone doesn't need a love dare.

[55:32] No, I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[55:34] Thank you.

[55:35] Yes, we have a very strong relationship.

Stuart Wellington

[55:36] And I need to go back to my house and pound a couple beers and then pass out.

[55:40] Sounds like someone doesn't need a beer dare.

[55:42] Pass out next to my three-legged dog.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] I wish that was a metaphor for something.

[55:47] It's not.

[55:47] He has a three-legged dog.

[55:49] Under the image of a kind of some sort of arctic barbarian riding a sled pulled by polar bears.

[55:56] Yes.

[55:57] Hung in the window.

Dan McCoy

[55:58] So I think that we've learned a lot tonight.

[56:01] About Stuart.

[56:02] And marriage.

[56:03] About ourselves.

[56:05] No shit.

Stuart Wellington

[56:06] So.

[56:09] Oh, this is a...

[56:10] So do we need to say anything else or just let it...

[56:14] I think we should say goodbye.

Dan McCoy

[56:16] Let's just enjoy the moment.

[56:17] Just take a moment here.

[56:18] Let's just trust our bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] Let's just do what our bodies want.

[56:21] Yeah.

[56:22] Feel it.

[56:23] Let's just, you know, just let go.

[56:26] So excited.

[56:27] Just can't hide it.

Dan McCoy

[56:29] And you, listener, you're going to enjoy us in your years.

Elliott Kalan

[56:33] In your years?

[56:34] That's what I thought you said, too.

[56:36] I was waiting for it to come or years ahead or something.

[56:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:40] Years ahead.

[56:41] You can think back in the times you listened to Flophouse, your lost youth.

[56:45] When you got fireproofed.

Stuart Wellington

[56:46] Back when podcasts are beamed directly into your brain unit.

[56:51] The unit.

[56:51] Yeah, your beunit.

Elliott Kalan

[56:53] Well, goodbye, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[56:56] I've been Dan McCoy.

[56:57] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] And I will always be Elliot Kalin.

[57:00] Good night.

[57:04] I'll try to be funny.

Stuart Wellington

[57:05] I haven't been drinking to my guys, so hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] So maybe you'll remember what the movie's about.

[57:10] Oh, up top.

[57:12] Yeah.

[57:12] Probably not that.

[57:13] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] I have to play my Stuart character, who is absent-minded and loves Naked Ladies.

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] I listened to that probably three times.

[57:22] Wait, what?

[57:24] Come on, guys.

[57:26] Wait, what?

[57:27] He's in the mirror world.

[57:28] Come on.

[57:29] Come on.

[57:30] Oh, that's so funny.

The Flop House: Episode #35 - Fireproof

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