The Flop House: Episode #35 - Fireproof

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron,

[0:05] America's number one religious star, if you don't count Mel Gibson.

[0:30] Welcome to the Flophouse, the podcast where we watch a bad movie and chat about it a little

[0:47] bit. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. What do you know? Not much.

[0:55] Oh, it was a rhetorical question. Yes, that was what we like to call rhetorical. Sure.

[1:01] So, it's been a while. Yeah. Are we going to tell the story of last week's failed attempt?

[1:07] No, let's just pretend like it never happened. Okay. Keeps the mystique up. Can we at least

[1:12] give a quick summary? So, people don't watch that movie, right? Yeah. All right. Fine,

[1:17] Stuart. Don't watch Babylon A.D. Starring Vin Diesel. Yeah, starring Vin Diesel.

[1:23] Somehow, it was so bad that it managed to fuck up our recording that we recorded. The computer

[1:29] refused to accept a sound file of us talking about it. I think it's entitled Babylon A.D.,

[1:35] and the computer just howled it out. It wasn't just religious observance that kept us from

[1:41] putting out an episode last week. That actually recorded an episode, Babylon A.D., and it

[1:46] disappeared. And so, in an effort to placate the gods... Speaking of religious observance... Yeah,

[1:54] this week we watched Fireproof. Yeah. I mean, hot on the heels of me spending an entire Sunday

[1:59] watching Easter-themed porn. Fireproof, hot on the heels? Easter-themed porn, how so? You know,

[2:07] like Easter bunnies. Oh, it wasn't like Jesus? Like, furry porn. Jesus is resurrected,

[2:11] and he's got mourning wood. Well, I wouldn't say it was furry porn. It was pretty traditional,

[2:16] except, you know, at some point, somebody had an Easter bunny costume on. You know,

[2:20] when we were deciding on this film, we were deciding to do Fireproof, Elliot was like,

[2:24] I don't know if I want to do it. I want to get caught in that trap of saying things about

[2:28] religion or whatever, and now he's making mourning wood Jesus. Not saying things about religion. I

[2:32] didn't want to get caught in the trap of, oh, Cameron's crazy because he's really religious.

[2:38] Let's make fun of how devout he is, because there's something admirable about someone who's

[2:42] very devoted to their faith. This is a terrible movie, that is true. But I didn't want it to be.

[2:47] It's terrible because it's poorly made, not terrible because it has a Christian message.

[2:50] Yes, before the listeners out there, the religious listeners out there, turn off their iPods and then

[2:57] throw them in the sewers. With the rest of the trash.

[3:06] This podcast deserves to be with the trash in the sewers.

[3:10] Yeah, they're like, why did I download this podcast and a bunch of Slayer albums?

[3:14] Yeah, we don't have anything. Well, Faith Houses

[3:16] has no new episodes this week. I guess I'll try Flophouse.

[3:19] It's close enough. No, it's not the religion that we object to. It's the lousy production.

[3:26] Well, it's a bad movie. How much actual story time do you think is in this movie? Like 15 minutes?

[3:32] 20 minutes? And it's stretched out to about two hours?

[3:34] Yeah, there's maybe a touching short film in this.

[3:38] Yeah, why don't you guys spin me a tale, okay? Tell me of this fireproof.

[3:43] Well, it's the story of a fireman named Caleb and his wife, whose name I don't remember.

[3:47] That was Caleb.

[3:48] Okay, Caleb. It's the same name. Caleb, Caleb.

[3:51] A man named Caliph.

[3:52] Doesn't matter. A man named Caliph. He's the head of the Muslim caliphate. A man named Caleb. He's

[3:58] a heroic firefighter who doesn't treat his wife very well. But it's not like he doesn't abuse her.

[4:04] Yeah, he's not abusive.

[4:05] They're just not nice to each other. And it's implied an addiction to internet porn.

[4:10] And he really wants to buy a boat.

[4:11] Yeah, there's two things.

[4:12] All he talks about is buying a boat.

[4:15] Do you think the internet porn he looks at is like boat related?

[4:19] Maybe.

[4:19] Like the love boat or something?

[4:21] It's probably all like bikini girls. It's not really hardcore porn.

[4:24] Yeah.

[4:25] Yeah, well, the Christian movie way of implying internet porn was to have a pop up appear

[4:32] after he had been on a website already for clearly several minutes.

[4:36] A website about boats.

[4:37] It didn't even look like a website. It just looked like a JPEG of a boat.

[4:43] Just staring at the wallpaper on his monitor.

[4:45] Yeah, exactly.

[4:45] Someday I'm going to have a boat like that.

[4:46] And like this headshot of a woman pops up with the legend wanna see beneath it.

[4:52] And then click here.

[4:53] And there's some hearts.

[4:54] And some animated hearts. But the woman is not even particularly attractive or porny looking.

[4:59] Right. Yeah, it's just like a headshot. Like something from a social network.

[5:02] Well, it's like an amateur website.

[5:05] Yeah, that's possible. Like wife stuff.

[5:07] It's an idea of internet porn.

[5:08] Like do it with my wife dot com.

[5:11] Life stuff sounds like an advice web page for new wives.

[5:16] Where do I find detergent?

[5:18] Yeah, go to wife stuff dot com.

[5:19] No, it's internet porn as viewed through the lens of either a Christian film

[5:26] or say like a five year old.

[5:28] What they might think internet pornography is like.

[5:31] Like, oh, pretty girl.

[5:32] Wanna see?

[5:33] Or like if I'm on an episode like Saved by the Bell or the Hannah Montana show.

[5:37] They wanted to show somebody looking at a newborn.

[5:40] Anyway, so he doesn't treat his wife so well.

[5:42] Sorry, Hannah Montana.

[5:45] Don't come kill me.

[5:46] She does that.

[5:47] She's not so nice to him.

[5:49] And basically to sell the story as quickly as possible

[5:53] to avoid the parts where they fight like 100 fires in the small town of Albany, Georgia.

[5:58] Yeah, there's a shillow of fires, right?

[6:00] Yeah, basically they're unhappy in their marriage.

[6:03] She is tempted by a doctor at work who's very charming.

[6:06] And by charming, I mean like presentable.

[6:10] Not gross.

[6:10] He wears a tie.

[6:12] Yes.

[6:12] And Kirk Cameron's father, Kirk Cameron playing Caleb, gives him a diary, which is,

[6:17] what is he called?

[6:18] A love diary or love?

[6:19] The Love Dare.

[6:20] The Love Dare.

[6:22] Dr. Love Dare.

[6:23] Mike Myers.

[6:25] The Love Darer.

[6:28] The Love Dairy.

[6:31] All these cows are just giving us love.

[6:33] No milk.

[6:35] He gives him a 40 day.

[6:37] That sounds like a lactating movie.

[6:41] That sounds like pornography.

[6:42] He gives him a manual for a 40 day program.

[6:44] Wait, a manual?

[6:46] He gives him a copy of a manual in space.

[6:49] I didn't know they had a space one.

[6:51] Yeah, well, it's a series.

[6:52] But he gives them this manual, like this handwritten love manual.

[6:57] It's a 40 day program for basically showing your wife that you care.

[7:01] And then about halfway through, it becomes about accepting the love of Christ

[7:05] as an example for the love to show your wife.

[7:07] Yeah, the classic marriage counseling bait and switch.

[7:10] Yeah, pretty much.

[7:12] Yeah.

[7:13] And then Kirk Cameron does it.

[7:14] His wife learns that he's not a bad guy.

[7:17] Maybe the doctor she cares about is not as great as she thought he was.

[7:21] And they make up.

[7:23] And this is a two hour long film.

[7:25] I cut out the comic relief about the other firemen.

[7:27] One of them is overweight.

[7:29] Like 40 minutes into the movie, there's that climax where he and his dad have this

[7:34] touching moment where he finally realizes that he needs to give all his faith to God

[7:38] and everything.

[7:39] But then afterwards, like there's no real conflict.

[7:42] Like you're pretty sure she's going to get with him.

[7:44] They could have cut to the last scene at that point.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] And also they and like I said, they fight like eight fires.

[7:52] We'd like to point out this is an hour and 58 minutes, I believe, was the runtime.

[7:56] Absolutely.

[7:58] To tell a kitchen sink story about a marriage in trouble, sort of trouble.

[8:05] Then the husband decides to treat his wife nice for a change.

[8:09] And then things turn out all right.

[8:11] There are maybe, let's say, seven characters in the movie and four of them are necessary

[8:15] for the plot.

[8:16] There are like three locations, not counting the fires.

[8:20] It's you know, there's not a lot going on.

[8:23] Well, I am counting the fires.

[8:24] Wait, is fire a location?

[8:27] Yes, it is both a location and a character.

[8:29] It seems like there's a subplot in this movie that is not just explored at all, which is

[8:35] this arsonist that's running around the small town lighting fires because they answer.

[8:40] I mean, I'm exaggerating with eight, but they answer at least four fires in the course of

[8:44] the film.

[8:45] Yeah.

[8:46] And this, you know, you're led to believe that this spans like a month.

[8:49] Yeah, it's like a 30 day program.

[8:51] What I was disappointed by was.

[8:53] It's a 40 day program.

[8:54] The first actual call that the firefighters respond to, we get a little bit of like a

[8:58] lead into it by seeing the like, you know, the southern teens getting in like a like

[9:03] a car race or something and then, you know, them being wrecked on the on the train tracks.

[9:08] Really, that was supposed to be connected because it seemed like I thought those were

[9:12] going to be characters that came up later.

[9:14] But yeah, you thought those were characters from of like them when they were kids.

[9:18] No, no, no.

[9:18] I thought maybe those those kids because if they had been a flashback, they would have

[9:22] said flashback.

[9:23] I guess so.

[9:24] Or like, well, this is also during the opening credits.

[9:27] Would you just hear a mother telling her daughter someday you'll find a guy who loves you as

[9:32] much as your dad loves you?

[9:33] And that'll be true love.

[9:34] And then it cuts to the firehouse.

[9:36] And the end, this is like Bratz, just the legend present day comes up on screen, which

[9:42] makes you think like, wait a minute, are they going to go back in time?

[9:45] Like, are we going to jump ahead to the year twenty five, twenty seven, like present day

[9:50] that framing device is never referenced again.

[9:52] I don't even know who's talking to who.

[9:54] Yeah, well, the whole opening was, you know, was was the setup like.

[10:00] The dad that they talk about in that opening is God, of course, right?

[10:04] I guess so, you know, once you've figured it out.

[10:07] Yeah, I mean, once you unlock the code.

[10:09] Well, it's also sort of creepy.

[10:11] It's the subtext of the movie, by which I mean the text.

[10:14] It's one of these scenes where you hear the little girl being like,

[10:17] can I marry daddy?

[10:19] He's like, no, I'm already married to daddy.

[10:21] He's like, okay, can I marry daddy after you're done with him?

[10:25] And you're like, oh, well, this is supposed to be heartwarming, but it's kind of creepy.

[10:29] What I'm saying is your time is limited.

[10:32] And I have a sexual attraction to my father.

[10:35] Watch your back, mom.

[10:37] Mormons? No, that's not Mormons.

[10:40] No.

[10:41] You're thinking of Oedipus Rex.

[10:44] Oh, yeah, I am thinking about that.

[10:47] So, yeah, there's a lot of, they respond to a lot of fires.

[10:51] They respond to a lot of fires.

[10:52] There's a lot of joshing at the firehouse.

[10:54] Yeah, so I would have liked to see a little more lead into the fires, like seeing what happened.

[10:58] What caused them?

[10:59] Kind of like a Final Destination thing where, you know, it's like a Rube Goldberg thing where, like,

[11:04] shit falls apart and then catches on fire.

[11:07] I assume that every shot would just be a guy wearing a ski mask running away with a thing of motor oil

[11:14] and, you know, like a butane lighter.

[11:17] No, I was hoping it would be more kind of, like, wacky with more, like, comic relief,

[11:20] like people accidentally putting things in the microwave and, like,

[11:24] accidentally getting in, like, spraying gasoline on each other and then setting something on fire.

[11:28] They were having a gas fight.

[11:30] Yeah, like in that Zoolander movie.

[11:32] Even if they were like, oh, man, this drought is really affecting the town.

[11:36] Yeah.

[11:37] All this tinder is really dry.

[11:39] Yeah.

[11:40] Well, then, that would clearly need a four-hour movie to explore all of that.

[11:44] Well, the story of Albany, Georgia goes back to the 19th century.

[11:49] There's been more fires here than anywhere else.

[11:52] They say it's on a dormant volcano, but is it dormant after all?

[11:58] Who knows?

[11:59] They say it's on an ancient Indian fire ground.

[12:02] Or, Stuart, you suggested that it was built on a hell mouth.

[12:05] Yeah.

[12:06] Or maybe it's like it's over one of those coal fires that burns underground for a thousand years.

[12:11] Sure.

[12:12] This is an exciting movie.

[12:14] Yeah.

[12:15] It's coming alive before my eyes.

[12:17] Fire parts were.

[12:19] I mean, the movie we were talking about right now is an exciting movie, Coal Land.

[12:23] So there's a couple of montages.

[12:25] That's true.

[12:26] Set to creed-style rock and roll music.

[12:29] Yeah, where it would be like the husband and the wife just not seeing eye to eye, not getting along.

[12:34] Not eating dinner at the same time.

[12:35] Or, as Elliot pointed out, there was one late in the movie that was just a weird mixture of Kirk Cameron doing good things for his wife

[12:44] and then just training scenes down at the firehouse.

[12:47] You're kind of like, huh, they're parallel being drawn?

[12:51] It's supposed to draw some sort of similarity between this, but it really doesn't make any sense.

[12:55] Yeah, it sort of felt like that montage in Roxanne where they're just training at the firehouse.

[13:01] Oh, there is one great running gag in the movie, though, which is that Kirk Cameron gets mad and throws his garbage can

[13:07] or he gets mad and hits his garbage can with a baseball bat.

[13:09] And each time he looks over and his creepy old man neighbor is just staring at him.

[13:13] Apparently, bewildered at Kirk Cameron's violence.

[13:17] And each time he's like, the guy's name is Mr. Griff or something like that.

[13:20] Yeah, played by Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins, right?

[13:23] No, it was not Richard Jenkins.

[13:25] It was a man probably 20 years older than Richard Jenkins.

[13:28] But each time he's like, hey, Mr. Griff.

[13:30] And then just like deadpan stare and the old man turning around and walking away.

[13:34] And I wanted to learn more.

[13:36] And you see his wife later.

[13:38] I wanted to know more about the marriage between these two withered old people who think their neighbors are crazy.

[13:43] Yeah.

[13:45] Speaking of marriage, this movie was about it.

[13:48] There's a ton of stuff about marriage.

[13:50] It's all about marriage.

[13:52] You're the only one of us who's married, Dan, so you're going to have to give us the inside track.

[13:55] Yeah, so I assume that you went through this at one point and your dad gave you the love dare.

[13:59] Sure.

[14:00] Yep, and then found out later on.

[14:01] We're both promise keepers.

[14:02] Can I spoil it?

[14:03] Yeah, spoil it.

[14:04] Spoil the twist that comes out of nowhere.

[14:06] The twist is at the very end.

[14:08] Okay, everything's happy.

[14:09] Everybody's in love.

[14:11] They've accepted Jesus.

[14:12] Yeah, and there's this scene where Kirk Cameron's walking with his dad in a scene that's shot very similarly to a women's hygiene commercial.

[14:21] And his dad reveals that the love dare diary that he gave his son was actually written by the kid's mom, by the dude's wife.

[14:33] Wait, how can I – I didn't explain that very well.

[14:36] Kirk Cameron's mom was the one who wrote the diary.

[14:40] Instead of his dad.

[14:41] But does that mean that she had to go through the love dare or that she gave the love dare to his father?

[14:47] Either way, it doesn't change anything.

[14:50] It doesn't matter.

[14:51] Basically, it was like a weird twist that nobody cared about.

[14:54] And at the end, Kirk Cameron walks into his mother, and they're both crying.

[14:57] He's like, I didn't know.

[14:58] Forgive me.

[14:59] Of course I forgive you.

[15:00] I love you.

[15:01] What?

[15:02] Yeah, that was the thing.

[15:03] I don't know what happened.

[15:04] The father was the one who was going to leave because he was being mistreated.

[15:07] He talked about how he wanted to go.

[15:09] But then why was he –

[15:10] So why did Kirk Cameron run in and apologize to his mom rather than be like, mom, you were an abusive mother.

[15:19] He'd been really short with her, I believe, when he was growing up.

[15:21] I see.

[15:22] Okay, well, we don't plan it.

[15:24] He was experiencing growing pains, if you will.

[15:26] And she was the bad one in this relationship.

[15:29] And at the end, Kirk Cameron goes in and apologizes.

[15:32] Yep, when he was at Fireman's University.

[15:35] F.U., yeah.

[15:37] Yeah, he would get really drunk, and he complained to all his buddies.

[15:40] He's like, I'm such a bitch.

[15:42] He'd steal the keys to the school fire truck and ram it into the house.

[15:46] Yeah, exactly, while he was on double-seater probation, right?

[15:50] He's like, mom, I'm sorry that you were married to such an emasculated pussy.

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:55] Sorry that my dad was such a wussy who wouldn't stand up for himself.

[15:59] Exactly.

[16:00] What a dork.

[16:01] That's the weird thing.

[16:02] Speaking of standing up for yourself, marriage is couched the whole time in words like respect or honor.

[16:08] Like Kirk Cameron, his complaint at the beginning is—

[16:10] Which, don't get us wrong, important qualities.

[16:12] No, no, but mutual respect is important, but really—

[16:14] Stewart's making a let-her-know face.

[16:17] I would imagine on a bedrock of, say, love.

[16:20] But the hole open is Kirk going, she doesn't give me the respect I deserve.

[16:25] There needs to be respect.

[16:27] Isn't it such a weird Sopranos-type thing for him to be complaining about?

[16:32] Well, here's what I wanted to talk about.

[16:33] And then later on it's like, oh, now that we both love Jesus, we can really respect each other.

[16:37] I agree.

[16:38] I saw a lot of parallels between the movie Fireproof and the television program The Sopranos.

[16:42] Don't forget about what you wanted to say.

[16:44] The respect issue being one of the most notable.

[16:46] The others being, you know, the—

[16:49] The unhappiness of marriage.

[16:51] Yeah, there's marriage in both.

[16:54] Even Kirk Cameron is like, oh, a little mozzarella, oh, some prosciutto, oh.

[16:59] Yeah, that.

[17:00] All the Italian guys.

[17:02] There's some—the guy's the fireman.

[17:04] Oh, by the way, there was a whole subplot where he was the head of a mob family and he has to keep everything under control, yeah.

[17:08] Yeah, yeah.

[17:09] So basically the same thing.

[17:11] What were you going to say, Dan?

[17:12] I was just going to say that, like, this movie sort of doesn't work—

[17:15] Made you rethink your marriage?

[17:16] Unless there's a bedrock of the idea that, oh, this marriage is really failing.

[17:21] You know, like, that's what we have to buy up top to go through everything else.

[17:26] We have to buy two things, I feel like.

[17:28] Number one, that there's some sort of spark of love between—

[17:32] That they loved each other at some point.

[17:34] Which you never get from that.

[17:35] You don't get that.

[17:36] And number two, that there's, like, a compelling reason why this marriage is breaking up.

[17:40] Now, all right, I think that it's probably true that divorces probably largely come from a million small things rather than—

[17:51] I mean, speaking from personal experience with my own divorce—

[17:54] No, I was never married.

[17:55] My parents are divorced and really it was a matter of years of small things and eventually them drifting apart and just, you know, failed emotional—

[18:04] There was no giant event that caused a rift.

[18:07] But in this case, the movie dramatizes that as Kirk Cameron really loves thinking about buying a boat.

[18:16] Hell yeah, he does.

[18:18] And here are their complaints of each other aside from their respect.

[18:21] When Kirk Cameron gets home from work, there's no food on the table and Kirk Cameron refuses—

[18:26] And his wife says, you refuse to use the money you're saving for a boat to buy my crippled mother a new wheelchair and hospital bed.

[18:33] Well, she specifically says things around the house.

[18:36] Things around the house, too.

[18:37] Looking around their house—

[18:38] It's a nice house.

[18:39] It's nice and pretty clean.

[18:40] They've got granite countertops.

[18:42] Yeah, and she's like—

[18:43] They've got four red plates on the wall.

[18:45] Four-car garage.

[18:46] And she makes a comment like, the back door needs painting.

[18:50] Like, a boat costs more than a fucking painted door, okay?

[18:53] But then eventually it comes out that her mother had a stroke and needs a new wheelchair and a hospital bed.

[18:58] It's the things left unsaid is what you're saying.

[19:00] Exactly, yes.

[19:01] But it seems like this is a couple that has drifted into marriage and is drifting apart, but there's no reason for them to be married and there's no reason for them to divorce.

[19:12] Why do you think they got married originally?

[19:13] Like a pregnancy scare or something?

[19:15] I think that had to have been it.

[19:16] He got her knocked up, then it turned out it was just hysterical, and then—

[19:20] Sure.

[19:21] Or maybe they loved each other when they were young and then they got brainwashed or got amnesia.

[19:25] Yeah, that makes sense.

[19:26] Or like—

[19:27] Aliens.

[19:28] Or aliens, yeah.

[19:29] The thing is, they never refer—

[19:32] He saved her from a fire.

[19:34] That was probably it.

[19:35] Yeah.

[19:36] But they never refer to any event in their past.

[19:40] Like you would think it would be pretty standard for a movie about a married couple that they'd at least acknowledge how they met, things they used to do, like what life used to be like when they were married.

[19:49] You never hear about it.

[19:51] It's like they live in a vacuum.

[19:54] Or like the entire earth came into existence when the movie started and they were already married.

[19:58] Well, yeah.

[19:59] It's like as—

[20:00] Kurt Cameron's character opens his eyes in that first shot that the entire world, it's

[20:06] like the Big Bang.

[20:07] Maybe Kurt Cameron is God in it and he's rediscovering his own love.

[20:09] It's similar to like the God Azathoth and that all of our existence is but a dream as

[20:14] he lies sleeping somewhere.

[20:16] Or the Theodore Sturgeon book story, The Ultimate Egoist.

[20:20] Yeah, absolutely.

[20:21] I just feel like from a dramatic standpoint.

[20:23] More like Azathoth.

[20:25] We need more as an audience.

[20:29] To hold together a two hour film, yes we definitely do.

[20:33] It's like, Kurt Cameron gets angry and he goes outside and he throws the plastic trash

[20:40] can against the wall and that's supposed to indicate that they have a terrible marriage.

[20:44] And that's the height of anger.

[20:46] Him throwing the trash can around, a plastic trash can, is the height of anger.

[20:50] I'll do that.

[20:51] What do you want him to do, like set a hobo on fire?

[20:55] That's pretty reasonable though.

[20:56] He's like, oh I'm taking my anger outside, I'm letting it out on something completely

[21:00] inanimate.

[21:01] But like if I'm taking out the garbage and I get like water from the garbage on me and

[21:05] it's gross on me.

[21:06] Dan, I've been meaning to talk to you about that by the way.

[21:08] Then I'll get mad and throw the garbage can.

[21:10] It takes very little to get to that level of anger where you hit inanimate objects that

[21:15] you can't really hurt.

[21:16] I've been meaning to talk to you guys about your anger issues.

[21:19] Look, we just hate trash cans, Stuart.

[21:21] It didn't have the cliche scene though where you were-

[21:23] It doesn't end with trash cans.

[21:24] The next step is small animals.

[21:26] No, I think there's a lot of steps between trash cans and small animals.

[21:30] Yeah, it's a very, very fine line.

[21:31] At least toaster is in the middle there somewhere.

[21:35] You have a toaster?

[21:36] No, I don't have a toaster oven, but at least-

[21:39] Okay, fine.

[21:40] You don't have a toaster oven.

[21:41] And I guess I have to-

[21:42] Bragging about everything else.

[21:43] I guess, no, I do have a toaster oven.

[21:47] They don't, I guess I have to applaud the film for not including a scene where they

[21:51] have an argument and Kirk Cameron raises his hand at her and she flinches and he realizes

[21:57] what he's done and puts his hand down.

[21:58] Yeah, he stares at his hand and he's like, oh my god.

[22:01] That would be going too far.

[22:02] It is realistic to say there are bad marriages when there isn't necessarily abuse.

[22:07] It's just two people who are not getting along.

[22:10] Yeah, I just, I neither feel that love nor do I feel like the deep seated hate.

[22:16] No.

[22:17] It just seems like a couple of people who are kind of cranky with each other and then

[22:22] the movie jumps to divorce and then the movie jumps to like a couple of roommates that are

[22:25] just kind of annoyed.

[22:26] Yeah, and even when he gives himself up to God, which should be the height of spiritual

[22:31] ecstasy you would think, like he has learned to love God with all his heart.

[22:38] He can now repent of his sins, he can see how the world is, he can let reality wash

[22:43] over him.

[22:44] Even that is kind of like, ah, this is great, these are fine.

[22:48] You know, I got some friends that are Christian too.

[22:51] You know what?

[22:52] I believe in God and heaven and hell and the entire cosmology of the church.

[22:55] Eh, all right.

[22:56] It's pretty good.

[22:57] I smile a lot more.

[22:58] Hey, let's get a hot sauce drinking contest, guys.

[23:02] He does that before he discovers God.

[23:03] Oh, does before?

[23:05] What's the brand of hot sauce?

[23:07] It's Wrath of God.

[23:08] Yeah.

[23:09] The guy who drank it and burned his mouth was really prideful.

[23:13] Oh.

[23:14] Yeah, see?

[23:15] It's all falling into place.

[23:16] There's a lot of lessons in this film, a lot of lessons, man.

[23:20] Story structure wise, I sort of felt too, like...

[23:23] It's terrible?

[23:24] Well, yeah, I mean, all of the significant things sort of happened right in the middle

[23:27] of the movie.

[23:28] Like, as you said, him like coming to God, and then also like the big fire in the film

[23:36] sort of...

[23:37] Is in the middle.

[23:38] Yeah, it comes in the middle.

[23:39] climax where, oh, there's a big fire, and the wife rushes to his side.

[23:43] He's like, oh, no, he's stuck in the building, but I've realized I love him.

[23:48] Nothing like that.

[23:49] You know what was great?

[23:50] It was right after that big fire, and he's at the hospital and everything.

[23:54] The doctor gives him some advice about...

[23:56] He's like, yeah, you probably shouldn't put your wedding ring back on.

[23:59] You should let your hand have some time to heal because you've been burned.

[24:01] And he's like, I don't think so.

[24:04] I'm going to put this ring back on.

[24:05] My hand will have to heal around my ring.

[24:08] It's like, you know...

[24:09] It sounds horrific.

[24:10] Yeah, and now it's embedded in the skin.

[24:12] Yeah.

[24:13] It's like that chunk of moon rock that John Jameson got from the moon.

[24:17] John Jameson?

[24:18] Yeah, that turned him into a man-wolf?

[24:19] Yeah, and they had to rip it out of his skin.

[24:20] So, yeah, it was just really weird.

[24:23] Or like the dark hawk's mystic amulet.

[24:25] Yeah, exactly like the dark hawk's mystic amulet.

[24:27] Yeah, they had to pull out of his chest.

[24:28] But the thing about it is...

[24:29] Or like the guy's heart in Temple of Doom.

[24:31] That's one of my problems.

[24:32] Or like if you get a splinter.

[24:34] That too?

[24:36] In no way, it's just an all-purpose religious type thing.

[24:40] Is when somebody's like...

[24:42] Like, this person's like, I'm clearly going to disregard the advice of somebody whose profession is healing, okay?

[24:50] I'm going to disregard this doctor's advice.

[24:52] Well, it was a doctor who was trying to get his wife to cheat on him.

[24:54] Yeah, but did he know that at that point?

[24:56] No, he didn't.

[24:57] See, that's the thing.

[24:58] I guess we, the audience, should disagree with him.

[25:00] Well, I mean, people also don't listen to doctors a lot of the time.

[25:02] But why would the doctor have him suggest...

[25:05] Like, even if he was an evil doctor, why would he want him not to wear his wedding ring?

[25:10] Does he know that's like the source of his powers or something?

[25:12] Maybe, yeah.

[25:13] He's like Green Lantern.

[25:14] Okay.

[25:15] I was going to say like John Jameson and Man-Wolf.

[25:18] Or maybe John Jameson and Man-Wolf, yeah.

[25:20] Or Splinto, the splinter superhero.

[25:23] Oh, yeah.

[25:24] Splinto.

[25:25] I have the ability to make splints really fast.

[25:28] Yeah, what a...

[25:31] Okay, so yeah, so that was my little tangent about ignoring doctor's advice.

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:37] Apparently you don't have to listen to doctors when you're on the Love Dare.

[25:42] Well, you're only supposed to listen to the Love Dare manual.

[25:45] Okay, not doctors.

[25:47] His dad is so even keeled throughout the entire film.

[25:50] Like I was waiting for the scene where he pops some sort of antidepressant or mood-altering pill.

[25:56] Yeah, like I imagine this guy poops maybe once a week.

[26:00] Oh, no.

[26:01] Once a day, very regular because he takes care of his system.

[26:04] Nice.

[26:05] It's a little like owl pellet-like turd.

[26:07] It doesn't smell that bad.

[26:09] You can pull it apart and find the bones.

[26:11] Sure.

[26:12] Yeah, that makes sense.

[26:13] It's like, oh, look what I made.

[26:15] It's a perfectly spheroid ball, kind of like an old musket bullet.

[26:18] He just wanders the woods in his cable-knit sweater,

[26:22] leading Kirk Cameron to a cross that he didn't realize.

[26:27] He didn't realize that's where he was headed, but everyone knows up at the cross.

[26:30] Yeah, because when they first find that place, isn't Kirk Cameron like,

[26:33] hey, that must be from that old summer camp they love?

[26:37] Well, the dad kind of pretends he doesn't know it's there.

[26:39] He's like, oh, funny we ended up over here, I guess.

[26:42] Didn't realize this cross was on the grounds of my estate.

[26:45] Yeah.

[26:46] Maybe.

[26:47] They never explain where that location is.

[26:49] Yeah, that's weird.

[26:53] There's a lot of vagueness about the film.

[26:56] I guess that's fair.

[26:58] Very generic.

[26:59] Including the way it's shot.

[27:00] Yes.

[27:01] Everything about it, it's like in Repo Man when they would drink beer

[27:04] and it would just be a can that said beer on the side, or just boxes that said food.

[27:08] That's this movie in a lot of ways.

[27:11] Do you guys have anything you want to say about the shenanigans down at the station house?

[27:15] No, they were stupid.

[27:17] Yeah, they tried to add some comedy, right?

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:21] But it was so jarring.

[27:22] It was like, uh-oh, let's take a little trip and see what Horatio Sanz is doing at the firehouse.

[27:27] Not like the world's fattest firemen are up there.

[27:30] They deal with so many fires, and yet all their firemen are so out of shape.

[27:35] Yeah.

[27:36] Well, they're so busy fighting fires they don't have time to exercise, I think.

[27:40] But they do have time to eat submarine sandwiches, I would imagine.

[27:44] They just eat them in the truck on the way to the fire.

[27:46] The other weird character was the one fireman who gives Kirk Cameron advice exclusively through metaphors.

[27:54] His bag of ants, if you will.

[27:55] Yeah.

[27:56] He's an African-American who also has had his marriage problems.

[27:59] He has already accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior,

[28:02] and he gives him advice through metaphors like the salt-and-pepper shakers.

[28:05] Yep.

[28:06] Gluing salt-and-pepper shakers together equals a marriage.

[28:11] You think that was the point?

[28:13] I mean, in some ancient Christian cultures, that's how you symbolized a marriage ceremony.

[28:17] Then you shatter the salt-and-pepper shakers.

[28:20] The mixing of the salt and the pepper represents the new life.

[28:23] After you're married, you have to have both salt and pepper on everything.

[28:27] Exactly.

[28:28] It doesn't matter what it is.

[28:29] Maybe you just want salt.

[28:30] No.

[28:31] Pepper's there, too.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:33] That's the way it works.

[28:34] That's a marriage.

[28:36] Listen, when you're married, you don't get to control how your food is seasoned

[28:39] because your wife cooks it the way she likes it.

[28:41] That's marriage.

[28:42] The people at Reese's were trying to go for a slightly different metaphor,

[28:45] but Kirk Cameron wasn't having it.

[28:48] Can't we say that marriage is like a bag of M&M's?

[28:51] That's a polyamorous marriage.

[28:56] There's all different types of M&M's, and that doesn't fit the cosmology.

[28:59] No, not at all.

[29:00] Well, it was a very well-meaning film, poorly made.

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:04] I think we can get on to Final Judgments.

[29:06] Okay.

[29:07] Final Judgments.

[29:10] So this is where we decide whether the movie was a good-bad movie,

[29:14] a bad-bad movie, or a movie that we actually liked.

[29:18] So, Stuart, what do you have to say?

[29:21] Well, I think it's pretty clear the type of things I like in a movie,

[29:25] and this movie didn't have any of those.

[29:27] What would those be, like blood, boobs, that kind of stuff?

[29:29] You know, like some violence, some boobs, you know, some yucks.

[29:32] Like a rapping grandma?

[29:34] Yeah, well, a foul-mouthed rapping grandma.

[29:36] A werewolf?

[29:38] At least one fart.

[29:40] A werewolf?

[29:42] This movie was particularly fartless.

[29:44] A president that's also a werewolf?

[29:47] Man.

[29:48] Don't give away my screenplay ID.

[29:50] Okay.

[29:51] It's called President by Day.

[29:54] This movie had none of those things.

[29:57] So I'm going to have to say, in a way, it wasn't very enjoyable.

[30:00] at that movie however you know once again i think it is well-intentioned

[30:04] now it's really sweet nature but that doesn't uh...

[30:08] change the fact that it's terrible as ten thousand bc you know that was not

[30:11] so you think that that was crass and disinherit yeah what i would say about

[30:16] this movie is so was the invasion

[30:19] now again

[30:20] crass mercenary

[30:22] if this film was an hour long

[30:25] i would say that it was a good bad movie because it is ineptly made in a way

[30:30] could often be very funny

[30:32] however the fact that was padded

[30:34] to such an extraordinary length

[30:36] ultimately just made it dull

[30:38] so i would say

[30:40] that on that level it's a bad bad movie

[30:42] i'm gonna have to agree with you guys uh...

[30:45] it was uh... you're not rocking the boat on this one? no i don't think so

[30:49] you look like you kinda want to though well i know because i didn't enjoy it

[30:52] but it's not i guess i would okay i'll say it's a good bad movie but not in the way

[30:55] of like

[30:56] this is a movie that's hilarious to sit down and make fun of which it has kind

[30:59] of the reputation of a little bit right now well yeah you wanna do like a drinking

[31:03] game where every time somebody

[31:05] does something

[31:06] stupid i don't know

[31:08] well whenever somebody yeah

[31:10] uh... you get really drunk i've never actually participated in a drinking game but you have to give it

[31:14] credit i mean i will give it credit for being a movie that was made

[31:17] i assumed to be shown in churches to

[31:20] married couples who are having problems this movie was actually a fairly big financial success

[31:25] yeah was it in theaters? it was a successful religious film

[31:29] uh... specifically like

[31:30] little thing called the ten commandments well okay

[31:34] put out by like a company that specializes in religious films i'm talking

[31:38] little thing called

[31:41] yeah it was uh... that uh... the rank and bass christmas specials

[31:46] it was a big enough thing that it

[31:48] it definitely

[31:49] charted

[31:50] when it was released it may have been actually number one for whatever weekend like whatever like

[31:55] i don't think that happened

[31:56] deep winter weekend

[31:58] maybe that was the weekend that all the other movie theaters in the country were

[32:01] closed i might just be thinking that it would open in the top five which is still a big

[32:05] triumph but

[32:06] it was uh...

[32:08] it was not unsuccessful

[32:09] no no but at the same time that they're i don't think when they made it they were

[32:13] setting out to make

[32:15] a number one they were making a trying to make a hit film i think they were trying to make

[32:18] they had a message they wanted to get across they did it in the most gentle

[32:21] boring way possible

[32:23] and if in the process they made a little bit of money

[32:27] all the better fireproof 2 and frankly kirk cameron wins me over with knowing

[32:31] that he believes what he's saying in the movie sure like as much as i don't

[32:36] believe what he believes

[32:37] there is a and a lot of people make fun of him about it like there is something

[32:40] genuine in his

[32:42] almost maniacal faith in christianity

[32:45] so fireproof 2 what's the setup

[32:48] okay financial success we need to build on that

[32:52] we thought all their marriage problems were solved

[32:55] uh...

[32:56] there's a hotter doctor in town

[32:58] and at the same time a sexy firehouse inspector from the government comes by

[33:03] and she's got her eyes set on caleb and she's a boatist

[33:07] and she owns a boat she lives on a houseboat a boat aficionado

[33:11] at the same time what's this

[33:13] the arsonist from fireproof is back

[33:15] a rash of fires hits the small town of albany georgia

[33:18] and only caleb can put them to rest for good or maybe caleb's mom and dad have a

[33:23] da da da da da divorce

[33:26] think about it that would throw his world into turmoil maybe the love dare

[33:30] doesn't work

[33:31] does he have to reconsider his relationship with what's her name

[33:34] there's a lot going on in fireproof 2 or maybe it's years

[33:38] down the road and the love dare has spread kind of like in the ring

[33:43] in like the ring too and uh... somehow all the love there is creating some kind

[33:48] of weird like gestalt consciousness maybe that's going to devour all humans

[33:52] is that what happens in the ring too i never saw it

[33:54] i don't remember i just remember that a bunch of cgi deer attacked a car

[33:58] and i remember when we saw it in the theater this lady got really mad at another lady

[34:01] for spilling nachos on her

[34:03] well i'll remember that one i'll look out for that scene when i watch it on dvd

[34:08] it's gonna be hard to catch

[34:10] i have to tell you it's going to be hard for you to spot

[34:13] anyone out there listening

[34:15] uh... it's a good game for you you can imagine which scene it might have occurred

[34:18] during

[34:19] that there was a fight between two women in the movie theater right behind me and dan

[34:23] and somebody spilled nachos on somebody else it reminds me of a story a friend of mine

[34:27] went with her then boyfriend to see i think the hollow man

[34:30] and she really didn't enjoy it so she was she was leaving the theater

[34:34] and someone she didn't know a stranger saw her walking out and yelled to her

[34:38] hey where are you going

[34:40] movie's not over

[34:41] that's awesome

[34:42] what do you care buddy

[34:44] it was kevin baker

[34:47] kevin baker with a mustache

[34:49] someone so like

[34:50] i could see yelling that if i you know when i went to see the prestige if

[34:53] someone had walked out because i really like that movie a lot more like it but i'm not really

[34:56] it was a movie that you know had a message or something

[35:01] or something i particularly care deeply about but i don't think anyone cares about the hollow man

[35:06] it's certainly not a first viewing

[35:07] it's one of the lesser verhoeven's

[35:09] of the many lesser verhoeven's

[35:11] like flesh and blood or something

[35:14] uh... so

[35:15] although let's not say many lesser verhoeven's because it's a little rough

[35:19] he's got some great movies too

[35:23] but that's a story for another day uh... dan you look like you want to talk about something

[35:28] i may have a letter

[35:30] i may have a letter for you

[36:03] nice to meet you friend of my son daniel mccrae

[36:07] dana carvey is here too

[36:10] you're going off in a crazy direction there

[36:15] my boy dan told me all about you

[36:20] okay yes daniel

[36:21] uh... i have a letter here

[36:24] and it's from fed last name withheld

[36:27] and it says dear floppers

[36:29] i've been fed

[36:32] okay fed no r

[36:34] i've been following your podcast since the beginning and i'm happy to report that it

[36:38] has become my favorite

[36:40] it wasn't your favorite story? yeah i don't like that at all

[36:43] but uh... i guess when elliot caylin joined the crew that's when it reached the top

[36:47] that's when faith house moved to uh... bimonthly

[36:51] i was in the third kind of heat

[36:53] uh...

[36:54] but it says

[36:56] every week i think of movies that i would like to suggest you see but have

[36:59] refrained from doing so

[37:00] mainly because i don't want to waste your time with films you would never

[37:03] accept being so far out of the range of what you consider

[37:06] flophouseable thank you

[37:09] don't waste our time

[37:11] i appreciate your restraint we don't have the time to read the title of a movie

[37:18] uh... could you provide we the listeners with some guidelines for film genres

[37:22] types periods or styles that you consider

[37:25] worthy of watching and discussion or should we look at the list of already

[37:28] reviewed films and make our conclusions

[37:32] i like that he adds that option

[37:33] as if we're too lazy

[37:36] just look at what we did already

[37:38] draw your own fucking conclusions

[37:40] why don't ya?

[37:41] i am loathe to codify our method of thinking our modus operandi

[37:47] but there are uh... some

[37:49] there are some guidelines yes

[37:51] if you want to create your own flophouse take an ordinary cardboard box

[37:56] i thought we already did this

[37:58] oh yeah you're right

[38:00] uh... well it would be a damn how would you describe the movies we watch what

[38:03] what are the guidelines give us at least one guideline yeah and we'll take it from there like we

[38:07] always do right stewart

[38:09] number one just set up the jokes we'll knock it out of the park

[38:12] uh... it should be a movie that

[38:14] yeah of course it should be a movie

[38:19] okay keep going dad

[38:22] uh... it should be a film that is

[38:25] oh film now guys putting on airs

[38:27] movies not good enough for them

[38:29] that uh... is relatively new to

[38:32] dvd or uh... premium cable

[38:36] sure it was in the theater not too long ago

[38:38] uh... to give it some sort of air of relevance or currency

[38:43] and uh... you know uh...

[38:45] the older bad films have been picked to get

[38:48] picked to death by your mystery science theater three thousands

[38:51] and such and uh... you know they've done a much better job at it than we could

[38:56] probably so because part of what this podcast is a service

[39:00] yeah giving people advice mainly not to rent shitty these specific shitty movies

[39:04] because they're not very good yeah and if you enjoy yourself along the way

[39:08] that's great yeah okay gravy but really really

[39:11] we're soaking in our own gravy okay so that's rule number one gotta be somewhat

[39:15] current uh... relatively recent right not still in theaters though because we

[39:19] actually don't make very much we're not going to want to speak for yourself

[39:23] uh...

[39:24] uh... we're not musicians they shouldn't always be a horror movies uh...

[39:29] because i've been yelled at in the past for always know that's not why we just

[39:33] have one i have a job variety uh...

[39:36] well i'm really really are movies often work best okay kind of horror thriller

[39:40] is true if

[39:41] you are contemplating suggesting a movie that stars nicholas cage is opposed to

[39:46] one that doesn't

[39:47] recommend the one with nicholas cage in it

[39:49] unless it's honeymoon in vegas

[39:51] but you bring up a good thing because that doesn't fit the first rule now does it

[39:54] good point you bring up something good with the horror thing though in that

[39:58] horror films thrillers

[40:00] There's more ground to till than with comedies because a bad comedy is just unpleasant, although

[40:16] we've done comedies, but there's been a reason usually.

[40:19] They're less fun for us to do.

[40:23] Like a suspense or a thriller or an action or a horror movie, you kind of know what you're

[40:27] expecting going in, so seeing how it fails to provide that or provide something different

[40:33] is kind of interesting.

[40:34] Yeah, sure.

[40:36] Elliot, any thoughts?

[40:39] I would say it should be, I mean Fireproof doesn't quite fit this, but in theory, or

[40:43] maybe it does, it should be a fairly high profile film in some way.

[40:47] Like it should not be, we're not here to shit on people's dreams.

[40:50] Like some guy scraped together $15,000 and made a movie and it's terrible, that's no

[40:56] fun to make fun of.

[40:57] I like the movie Memory starring Billy Zane.

[40:59] I didn't see that one.

[41:00] I wasn't in the group then.

[41:02] But like last week, we tried to watch Babylon AD.

[41:06] That kind of thing is perfect because it's a big budget movie starring a movie star and

[41:09] it got a big release and it's total shit.

[41:12] Like something that...

[41:13] And what a star.

[41:15] And what a star.

[41:16] Mr. Vincent Dezelowitz.

[41:20] Or something like Mirrors with Kiefer Sutherland or the Bratz movie because it's a big tie-in

[41:26] with the merchandising thing.

[41:28] Like something that was supposed to be a release of some note or they were hoping to get their

[41:33] money back.

[41:34] Not something where someone like staked his whole future on this and didn't know what

[41:39] was going to happen.

[41:40] Well, something that at least you might have seen a poster for at a bus stop.

[41:43] That's a good way to put it, yeah.

[41:44] Something you would have seen advertised near you.

[41:46] I don't want to fucking see that movie and then, you know, down the line somebody talks

[41:50] bad about it on a podcast.

[41:51] I have begun to almost like salivate when I see posters for...

[41:54] Like when I first saw the billboard for Swing Vote, I was like, oh, we're going to watch

[41:59] that for Flophouse.

[42:00] It's going to be great.

[42:01] And it was okay.

[42:02] I kind of feel that way about the current Angels and Demons posters.

[42:06] I don't know.

[42:07] That one...

[42:08] It's going to be good.

[42:09] It looks so boring.

[42:11] Yeah, it is going to be really boring.

[42:12] I think that all of history, rather than being like this crazy confluence of events that

[42:17] happened almost at random with different people who all have their own motives, like butting

[42:21] heads and strange things happening, that instead of that, history is a puzzle game that you

[42:26] need to use to find a treasure.

[42:28] Like Myst?

[42:29] Yeah.

[42:30] It's really...

[42:31] Or Resident Evil, I guess.

[42:32] As an amateur historian, it kind of takes a lot of the fun out of the existence of human

[42:36] civilization.

[42:37] I had a guideline in my head, but I totally lost it.

[42:41] Oh.

[42:42] I had two, and I can only remember one.

[42:44] And the one I can remember is someone on the Facebook page, where you can...

[42:49] When you said page, I was like, oh, thank goodness, because I thought you were about

[42:52] to say on the Facebook, like an old man would.

[42:55] Someone on the Facebook recommended, tossed out an idea for a movie to do, and it was

[43:03] Black Sheep.

[43:04] And that movie is clearly tongue-in-cheek.

[43:08] It's campy.

[43:09] It's about killer sheep.

[43:10] You think I recommended it at one point, for some reason.

[43:13] Yeah, I mean, it's a movie that trades in a certain...

[43:17] It's jokey.

[43:18] Yeah.

[43:19] It's trying to be bad, to some degree.

[43:21] There should be a certain amount of sincerity of purpose, is what you're saying.

[43:24] Right.

[43:25] You can't make fun of something that's already taking the piss out of itself.

[43:28] Unless it does it very poorly, but it's not worth it.

[43:33] And because I can't think of the other one, maybe we should move on.

[43:36] Do you have any thoughts?

[43:37] Last thoughts on...

[43:38] No, so wait.

[43:39] Let's go over that list again.

[43:41] And you can't talk about Fight Club.

[43:42] Yeah.

[43:43] Okay.

[43:44] It's the final rule.

[43:45] So it's got to be somewhat current.

[43:48] It shouldn't be a small budget thing.

[43:50] It should be something people know about.

[43:52] Big stars help.

[43:53] Big stars help.

[43:55] If possible, a nice variety of topics, though comedies are best left alone.

[44:03] And you're on pretty safe ground with horror, thriller-type things.

[44:09] I think I lost track of what we were talking about.

[44:12] And no campiness.

[44:13] No campy.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:15] Absolutely.

[44:16] Okay.

[44:17] Shrimp scampi?

[44:18] Maybe.

[44:19] Nice.

[44:20] Elliot likes things that rhyme.

[44:23] I love this.

[44:24] Like many people with mental disabilities, I enjoy, for some reason, rhyming words that

[44:30] the meanings are not connected to each other.

[44:33] Okay.

[44:34] So campy, scampy.

[44:38] What's the next thing we do here?

[44:40] We're recommending movies at this point.

[44:41] Okay.

[44:42] That's cool.

[44:43] We've exhausted our reservoirs of hate.

[44:45] Is there any sort of prize for someone who chooses, who recommends a movie and then we

[44:49] actually do it?

[44:50] Aside from our dulcet tones talking about the movie they recommended?

[44:54] They can brag about bragging rights.

[44:58] Okay.

[44:59] Someone did recommend Fireproof.

[45:01] Okay.

[45:02] Why?

[45:03] That was something that came in via email.

[45:04] Why?

[45:05] Because they worried about our marriages.

[45:08] Oh, my God.

[45:09] I can't answer that question.

[45:10] Was it your wife that recommended it?

[45:11] The person who recommended it could write in and say why they recommended it.

[45:17] Yeah, please do.

[45:18] The email address, again, is theflophousepodcastatgmail.com.

[45:23] I got to say, again, about Fireproof, it was not good, but it didn't live up to the reputation

[45:29] of hilariously awful, if only because I don't find Kirk Cameron's religious faith immediately

[45:38] Yeah.

[45:39] No, that's fair.

[45:40] Not immediately.

[45:41] It has to grow on you.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:43] It wasn't The Room is what I'm saying.

[45:44] I don't know if you guys have seen that yet, but that's a hilariously bad movie.

[45:50] The one we wouldn't watch here because until it became famous for being bad, it was a tiny

[45:56] thing that a guy made and it's not that relevant anymore.

[45:59] It's been out for a couple of years.

[46:01] Yeah.

[46:02] Okay.

[46:03] I'll get started.

[46:05] Such a half-hearted offering to others.

[46:07] Hey, so a movie that I saw recently that I do recommend is a little Spanish thriller

[46:14] called Time Crimes.

[46:16] That rhymes.

[46:17] Yeah, I know.

[46:18] Yeah, I love it already.

[46:19] It's a little low budget.

[46:23] It's a little low budget movie.

[46:26] It takes place in a relatively small area and over a short period of time in a way.

[46:33] It's just great because it's really tightly written.

[46:37] Yeah, it's cool.

[46:39] It's called Time Crimes.

[46:41] Time Crimes.

[46:42] It's easy to remember because it rhymes.

[46:44] Yeah, time rhymes.

[46:45] Yeah, it's time rhymes.

[46:47] Go see that movie, Crime Time.

[46:49] I mean, it's gotten a fair amount of good reviews, but I'd still recommend it.

[46:54] Go over to your internet and go over to your queue for your Netflix and just drag Time

[47:02] Crimes, point and click, drag it over.

[47:04] That's not how Netflix works.

[47:05] Put it into the bin and then top of queue.

[47:08] Top of queue.

[47:09] Okay.

[47:10] And then hit refresh.

[47:11] All right.

[47:12] So, okay.

[47:13] So you can look at it sitting there on the top of your queue.

[47:15] Now log off.

[47:16] Log off.

[47:17] Then shut off the computer and hit it with a baseball bat as in Fireproof.

[47:21] All right.

[47:22] So, Stuart recommends Nightline.

[47:25] I thought it was called Fight Night.

[47:29] Right Night.

[47:30] I do recommend Fight Night.

[47:32] If you're not going to watch Time Crimes, watch Fight Night.

[47:34] You got it.

[47:35] Friday Night Lights.

[47:36] You got it.

[47:37] I'd recommend that as well.

[47:38] Excitebite.

[47:39] Excitebite?

[47:40] Excitebite for the good of yes.

[47:42] I recommend that too.

[47:43] Price Right.

[47:44] You got it.

[47:45] The best part about Excitebite is when you can make your own course and you just make

[47:48] a course of all the biggest rants.

[47:52] It never works right.

[47:53] And you don't space it out.

[47:54] And you're always like, hey dude, check out this awesome course I made.

[47:58] And it was always just like the biggest rants.

[48:00] Like it's so boring.

[48:02] Like you're trying to make your bike go into outer space or something.

[48:07] That's where that old saying comes from, which is growing older is the process of learning

[48:14] how to make better Excitebite courses.

[48:17] I think it was Robert Frost who said that.

[48:19] Yeah.

[48:20] I want to recommend Trans-Siberian starring Emily Mortimer and Woody Allen.

[48:25] Woody Harrelson you mean?

[48:28] Woody Allen would be an interesting choice.

[48:31] You're right.

[48:32] We're in trouble and there's a train.

[48:35] Ben Kingsley, why are you on it?

[48:38] Trans-Siberian.

[48:40] Kikagod once said that.

[48:42] It reminds me of a joke about a train going through Siberia.

[48:46] Max, we got to get through Siberia.

[48:49] Because initially your impression sounded a lot more like Snagglepuss.

[48:54] Exit stage Trans-Siberian.

[48:58] Why do you like this movie, Dan?

[49:01] I like it because it's a solid thriller.

[49:05] It's done by the guy who did Session 9 and The Machinist,

[49:09] which are both good movies, not great movies in my opinion.

[49:13] But this movie has a lot of the style of those earlier movies

[49:17] with a better script, stronger acting.

[49:21] And it's a movie that's well within traditional thriller outlines.

[49:28] But when watching it, I never quite knew where I was headed next.

[49:32] So it was good at surprising you, which is what a good suspense film should do.

[49:37] There's Woody Harrelson's in it.

[49:39] Woody Harrelson's in it, not Woody Allen.

[49:41] Is he on a comeback?

[49:44] I mean, Trans-Siberian is probably not the right vehicle for him to make his comeback.

[49:48] It's in and out of theaters.

[49:50] Yeah, it disappeared from theaters almost immediately.

[49:54] Can I go to my queue and just queue that one up?

[50:00] instant view. It might be. It is an instant view. Oh, man, heck. You don't need to drag it. You guys can start watching it right now.

[50:07] Just put that into your instant queue. Why are you listening to the flop house? You could be watching Trans-Liberian right now.

[50:12] Well, go over to Xbox Live and go to Netflix, watch instantly, and hit play. Okay, cool.

[50:21] Now, finish listening to this, though. Alright, that was slightly more accurate in the way that Netflix works.

[50:28] So, what's Alex Dagnani? Sorry, I figured you would edit that out.

[50:33] Not this week. Awkward. Not this week. I'm headed off to Costa Rica.

[50:39] Oh, yeah. Escaping the CR. Johnny Law's on his trail. On the land from Johnny Law.

[50:45] I thought it was because of the World Wide Surfing Championships are in Costa Rica. You need to save your car wash restaurant.

[50:55] With bikinis. I'm appearing in the film Surf's Up. Is that that penguin surfing film?

[51:02] Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's me. I'm one of those surfing penguins. No, it's a computer game.

[51:07] No, but I mean, is this a live action version or are you going back in time? It's people who surf with penguin costumes on.

[51:13] Yes, I'd be into that. You can either dress up as a penguin or as Danny DeVito in Batman Returns.

[51:20] What character do you play in that? I play Oswald Cobblepot, the penguin.

[51:27] Wait, the Batman bad guy? Yes.

[51:31] So, he wasn't Mr. Freeze or something? No, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger in a different movie.

[51:35] And the Joker wasn't in that one? No, that was in the previous film.

[51:38] OK, he was the penguin? Are you sure? Yes. OK, fine. I'll check it out.

[51:42] OK, I'm going to recommend two movies very quickly. The first is an Italian crime film called Gamora,

[51:50] which is about the Neapolitan crime organization. Neapolitan, that's delicious.

[51:56] Yeah, it's a crime organization that's vanilla chocolate with strawberry.

[52:00] They shouldn't taste good together, but they do.

[52:03] It's about a couple of different characters who are living in Naples.

[52:07] Each of them deals with – I think it's called the Gamora, the crime organization there.

[52:13] In different ways, it affects their lives, but it's not like – you're never dealing with the head of the family.

[52:19] It's not like The Godfather where they kind of lead you through it and there's a romantic aspect to it.

[52:24] It's a very grim movie that is just about like, well, in the place these characters live,

[52:29] there's no way to avoid your life being touched for organized crime.

[52:33] It's somewhere in the background, but occasionally they get killed because that's the way organized crime works.

[52:39] It's just very like – it's almost like watching a war movie that's about people who are not on the front lines but are just kind of living either behind the lines or in a town somewhere maybe.

[52:51] The war is right outside the town and occasionally affects them but not always.

[52:55] It's just an interesting way to take a look at that without making it kind of like Godfather or Goodfellas kind of like romantic.

[53:02] Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a gangster, a rise and fall of an epic tale of America and whatever.

[53:08] This is Naples. It's just the way things happen.

[53:11] Organized crime is almost like a natural force there, the way the movie puts it across.

[53:16] And the other movie is – that's a new movie that's in a few theaters right now.

[53:20] The other movie is an old movie that I saw just this weekend called The Devil and Daniel Webster, which is like –

[53:27] Is this the version that has Alec Baldwin in it for the last year?

[53:30] No, this is not the unreleased version with Alec Baldwin, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Anthony Hopkins.

[53:35] This is the version from the early 40s, originally released under the title All That Money Can Buy, which is fucking stupid because The Devil and Daniel Webster is a great title.

[53:45] I don't know why you would change it.

[53:46] And plus it was released at a time when ordinary people knew who Daniel Webster was, so it's doubly a good title.

[53:52] But about a man who sells his – in the 1840s, sells his soul to the devil, played by Walter Houston.

[53:59] And when the time comes that the devil is going to take his soul and creepy shit is going on all over the place, he gets the great orator of American history, Daniel Webster, to come and defend him before a jury of the damned to get his soul back.

[54:14] And it's like funny at times and kind of very poetic at times in the way it's shot.

[54:19] But overall, it's just like a really good classic fantasy story with some creepy horror elements and some genuinely kind of spooky scenes.

[54:28] And Walter Houston, who plays the devil, is fantastic.

[54:31] He's like the quietest devil in the world, this very like New England rural traveler devil, and he's just really good in it, and I highly recommend it.

[54:41] And the score for it won an Oscar for best score for Bernard Herrmann, who of course would go on to do most of Hitchcock's American movies as well as Citizen Kane.

[54:51] So that's a safe bet.

[54:54] Yeah, when it comes to scores, that's a safe bet.

[54:57] But I watched it, and this weekend I really liked it a lot.

[55:00] It's so much that I yesterday went and ordered the DVD for it after I watched it on TV.

[55:06] Oh, wow.

[55:07] That's what I'm going to want to revisit.

[55:10] Hey, I thought of another good thing that movies should be.

[55:13] Okay.

[55:14] For the flop house.

[55:15] Sure.

[55:16] 90 minutes long.

[55:17] Yeah, that would be 90 minutes or less.

[55:19] Yeah, especially because Elliot really likes to get home and get to sleep because he has a demanding job.

[55:24] It's not even get to sleep.

[55:26] I like to go home and see my girlfriend before I go to sleep.

[55:29] It sounds like someone doesn't need a love dare.

[55:33] No, I don't.

[55:34] Thank you.

[55:35] Yes, we have a very strong relationship.

[55:38] and then pass out.

[55:40] It sounds like someone doesn't need a beer dare.

[55:42] Pass out next to my three-legged dog.

[55:45] I wish that was a metaphor for something, but it's not.

[55:47] He has a three-legged dog.

[55:49] Under the image of some sort of Arctic barbarian riding a sled pulled by polar bears.

[55:56] Yes, hung in the window.

[55:59] So I think that we've learned a lot tonight.

[56:01] About Stuart.

[56:02] And marriage.

[56:03] About ourselves.

[56:05] No shit.

[56:10] So do we need to say anything else or just let it fade away?

[56:15] I think we should say goodbye.

[56:16] Let's just enjoy the moment.

[56:17] Just take a moment here.

[56:18] Let's just trust our bodies.

[56:19] Let's just do what our bodies want.

[56:22] Feel it.

[56:23] Let's just let go.

[56:26] So excited, just can't hide it.

[56:28] And you, listener, you can enjoy us in your years.

[56:32] In your years?

[56:34] That's what I thought you said, too.

[56:35] I was waiting for to come or years ahead or something.

[56:39] Years ahead.

[56:41] You can think back in the times.

[56:43] Back when.

[56:44] You listened to the Flophouse, your lost youth.

[56:45] When you got fire-proofed.

[56:46] Back when podcasts are beamed directly into your brain unit.

[56:49] Yeah.

[56:50] B-unit.

[56:51] Yeah, your B-unit.

[56:52] Well, goodbye, everybody.

[56:55] I've been Dan McCoy.

[56:57] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[56:58] And I will always be Elliot Kalin.

[57:00] Good night.

[57:05] I'll try to be funny.

[57:06] I haven't been drinking tonight, guys.

[57:07] So hold on.

[57:08] So maybe you'll remember what the movie is about.

[57:10] Oh, up top.

[57:12] Yeah.

[57:13] Probably not, though.

[57:14] Oh.

[57:15] I have to play my steward character, who is absent-minded and loves naked ladies.

[57:20] I've listened to that probably three times.

[57:22] Just, wait, what?

[57:24] Come on, guys.

[57:25] Wait a minute.

[57:26] Wait, what?

[57:27] He's in the mirror world.

[57:28] Come on.

[57:29] Come on.

[57:30] Oh, that's so funny.

The Flop House: Episode #35 - Fireproof

Transcript

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