The Flop House: Episode #42 - Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Dan McCoy

[0:00] And now, one from the Blart.

[0:02] We talk about Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:33] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] I'm Stuart Willington.

[0:35] Hello, and I'm Brock Mahan.

[0:37] Hey, Brock.

[0:37] Brock is here, not Elliot.

S1

[0:40] Yeah, I don't know what his deal is, but...

Dan McCoy

[0:41] No, we don't know what his deal is.

[0:43] He didn't even give us an excuse this time.

[0:45] He's like, I don't think I can do it this week.

Stuart Wellington

[0:47] Yeah, I showed up with a big bag, I guess, a bag of Popeye's chicken, and yeah, he wasn't here.

S1

[0:55] Very odd, because he never misses a chance to expound upon an issue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Yeah, exactly.

[1:02] Yeah, or have Popeye's chicken.

[1:04] Yeah, like I have expected when I opened up the bag, I guess, of Popeye's chicken, that he would come floating in,

[1:10] like his nose lifted up by the smell of the Popeye's, like twinkling his toes or something.

Dan McCoy

[1:18] You know, in his absence, I think we should all feel free to make up reasons why he's not here.

[1:23] Okay.

[1:23] Stuart, do you have one?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25] No, you just sprung this on me, dude.

[1:27] I'm not actually that good.

[1:28] Okay.

[1:29] Brock?

[1:29] I think he's thrill-killing somebody.

[1:31] Okay, that's pretty cool.

[1:33] Like Leopold and or Loeb.

S1

[1:35] Exactly.

[1:36] I hear this the only way he can maintain an erection now, is through taking someone else's life.

[1:40] Nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] And then capturing their soul in his mouth at their moment of expiration.

[1:46] So, Brock.

[1:48] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

S1

[1:51] Pretend that we don't know who you are.

[1:52] Well, I'm a television writer professionally.

[1:56] Wow.

[1:56] Professionally.

[1:57] Professionally, yes.

[1:58] You're selling yourself well, sir.

[1:59] Well, thank you.

[2:00] It's on my resume.

[2:03] I write for a show on TruTV called The Smoking Gun Presents World's Dumbest.

[2:08] Call your cable provider for details.

[2:11] So, that's what I do professionally.

[2:14] Amateurishly, I guess I used to host a podcast on East Village Radio called Fist City, in which

[2:21] Dan was a frequent contributor.

[2:23] Wait, Fist City or Fist City?

[2:25] Fist, yeah.

[2:25] Fist?

[2:26] Okay.

[2:26] Fist City, yeah.

[2:27] Named after the Loretta Lynn song.

[2:29] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] So, you're familiar to the medium, the low-rated medium of podcasts.

S1

[2:33] I am, but I got to say, hats off to the setup that you have here.

[2:37] I'm impressed by the microphone screens that you have on here, which is something that...

Dan McCoy

[2:43] You're impressed that they're not bare microphones.

S1

[2:45] I am very impressed.

[2:46] They're the lack of sibilant S's brought to you by Dan McCoy's technical know-how.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] You know, say all the P words you want.

[2:53] No pops.

[2:54] Yeah, amazing.

[2:56] What are you guys talking about?

[2:59] You know, sound geek stuff.

[3:01] I was just looking at a magazine.

[3:05] Oprah's magazine, I see.

[3:07] It's pretty good this month.

[3:08] So, we watched a movie tonight, and it was called...

[3:12] Wait, what do we do on this podcast again?

[3:13] Well, to reset it.

[3:15] That's what you say in radio.

[3:16] You got to reset it.

[3:19] We watch a bad movie, and then we chat about it a little bit.

[3:23] Sure.

[3:24] And so tonight, the movie that we watched was Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

[3:29] It's a pretty catchy title.

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:32] I remember when Blart Mania swept the nation.

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:36] The name Blart was on the tip of everyone's tongue.

Stuart Wellington

[3:39] Yeah, it was like when Hollywood thought the name Chuck was really hilarious, right?

Dan McCoy

[3:44] What arrow was that?

[3:46] It was like a...

[3:47] Good luck Chuck.

[3:47] Ah, okay.

[3:48] NBC's Chuck.

[3:50] I know, that's you, Chuck and Larry.

[3:52] Yeah.

[3:53] There wasn't many...

[3:54] Also starring Kevin James.

S1

[3:55] You had three examples that you can, according to the New York State Regents, you can draw a line.

[3:59] I buy your argument.

[4:00] Yeah.

S1

[4:00] I buy your argument.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] I think that that is what's required to write a New York Times trends piece.

[4:05] So, okay.

[4:07] Good work, Stuart.

[4:08] But, uh...

[4:09] Hold on.

[4:09] I'm out of here.

[4:10] Okay, well, goodbye.

S1

[4:13] Footsteps, footsteps, footsteps, footsteps.

[4:15] Door slam.

[4:16] We need a fucking Foley guy.

[4:17] That's what you're saying.

[4:19] The radio know-how.

[4:20] It's just...

[4:21] It's just...

[4:21] You're exuding it at this point.

Dan McCoy

[4:25] Kevin James.

[4:26] Superstar Kevin James.

[4:28] Yeah, he played the titular character, right?

[4:30] Mm-hmm.

[4:31] Eponymous, we call it.

[4:32] I like to say titular.

[4:34] Yeah, because there's a tit in there.

[4:35] Yeah.

[4:36] We all know what you like.

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] Yep.

[4:38] Paul Blart is what I like, in fact.

[4:40] So, you know, what's the story here?

[4:44] Hey, Barack.

[4:44] Yes.

[4:45] This is your first time.

[4:46] Yes, it is.

[4:46] You get to summarize the movie.

S1

[4:47] Oh, man.

[4:48] Summarize the movie.

[4:49] So...

[4:49] Amazing.

[4:49] There's a mall cop.

[4:52] All right.

[4:52] He does something amazing.

[4:54] He's given the chance to not be a mall cop anymore, and he turns it down.

[4:58] That's pretty much what I learned from this film.

[4:59] Wow, that's...

[5:00] That was really fast.

[5:01] That's awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[5:02] Normally, Elliot takes like a zillion years describing the movie.

[5:06] And yeah, that's basically it, right?

[5:08] He's kind of a loser, and then he's put into like a mall-style diehard, and with a bunch

[5:16] of like extreme sports bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] Yeah, the villains from...

[5:20] Well, not the villains from Hackers.

[5:21] I would say the heroes from Hackers, although I guess Fisher Stevens also skateboarded in the

[5:27] movie Hackers.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] Yeah, I mean, I think all Hackers are probably villains.

[5:31] Okay.

[5:32] They're lovable roos.

[5:33] So imagine...

Dan McCoy

[5:34] Modern Bay Robin Hood's...

[5:36] Villains in the mode of the movie Hackers take over a mall.

S1

[5:39] You are very into urban sports and parkour.

[5:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] Like most criminals are nowadays.

S1

[5:46] Well, you need to do something to keep yourself in criminal shape.

[5:48] You know, it's very physically demanding to hijack a mall, basically.

[5:52] You need something to tone yourself up when not hijacking.

Stuart Wellington

[5:56] Yeah.

[5:57] I think what happened is that their like online video career that they'd kind of started up

[6:02] with their extreme sports videos they made was really going poorly.

[6:05] Like maybe they broke all their video equipment, and thus they had robbed this mall.

[6:10] You think this was to finance their extreme sports habit?

S1

[6:13] I think they probably couldn't find any venture capitalists who were willing to bankroll the...

[6:17] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] After like the failure of the X Games and the XFL.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] Maybe they just get off on the rush, you know, like in Point Break.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] Yeah.

[6:27] Okay.

[6:28] So it's like Bodhi.

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:29] It's a lot like the Bodhisattva.

[6:33] So, okay.

[6:34] That's how he's his character.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] Yeah.

[6:35] And these extreme sports enthusiasts take over them all.

[6:39] Yep.

[6:39] And Paul Blart has to pull a diehard...

[6:45] What was his name?

[6:46] What?

[6:47] Diehard's name.

[6:48] John McClane?

[6:49] He's got to pull a McClane.

[6:51] Yeah.

[6:51] A diehard.

[6:53] And he's got to save his huge-eyed...

[6:56] Dough-eyed.

[6:57] Dough-eyed hopeful girlfriend.

[6:59] You know, like the object of his affection.

[7:02] And his daughter, who are hostages.

[7:05] And, you know...

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] Yeah, he does it.

[7:07] I think that the bumbling buffoon comes through in the end.

[7:10] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] There's a couple twists, but...

[7:12] Yeah, a few setbacks.

[7:14] Yeah, but it's pretty simple.

S1

[7:15] Obstacles to be overcome.

[7:18] Although, I don't know if he necessarily overcame them or sort of stepped around them.

[7:21] They weren't very large obstacles that were thrown in his way.

Stuart Wellington

[7:24] I mean, I think he gets shot at like three or four times, but they don't even come close.

[7:30] And then people stop shooting at him.

S1

[7:32] One of the things that we learned from watching the film is that these mall hijackers, despite

[7:36] being heavily armed, didn't bring enough bullets, really, to get the job done.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] I'm assuming.

[7:41] I mean, either that or, you know...

[7:43] They had their guns, and I think deep down they're like, you know what?

[7:48] I don't want to murder anybody today.

[7:50] I was just way into extreme sports, and the idea of this, like, mall heist was really cool,

[7:55] but I don't actually want to kill another human being.

[7:57] Because I don't know if I can deal with that in the dark hours of the night.

[8:01] I can't see that dead man's face.

S1

[8:03] Right, and the movie takes place on Black Friday, the Friday after Thanksgiving.

[8:07] And I assume that just the holiday before probably put them in the mindset, like, you know,

[8:11] what are all these things that I'm thankful for?

[8:13] Sure.

[8:14] And I'm sure they don't want to...

Dan McCoy

[8:16] They thought about all those dead Native Americans, and they're like,

[8:19] I don't need to add mall cops to that total.

[8:21] No.

[8:22] Like, yeah, that's not what America was founded on, the ideals.

[8:26] No.

[8:28] But, um, oh, this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] So let's see, anything else weird?

[8:34] There's a couple twists and turns.

[8:37] There's a lot of moments where he is incredibly proficient at doing what he's supposed to do,

[8:43] and then there's a number of moments...

[8:45] For every time that he's incredibly proficient, there's also a moment where he, you know, falls down a lot.

Dan McCoy

[8:50] Well, we see at the beginning of the movie that he became very close to becoming a police officer.

[8:55] Within six inches, basically, of becoming a police officer.

[8:58] Yeah.

[8:59] He was going through the police academy.

[9:00] We can only assume along with Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow.

[9:04] Sure.

[9:05] And that Hightower character.

[9:08] Uh-huh.

[9:09] And Kim Cattrall.

S1

[9:10] And Tackleberry.

[9:12] Sure.

[9:12] I guess, uh, basically, in the opening sequence, I guess the, uh, the premise was established that he is technically proficient at some things, but bumbling at other things.

[9:22] Because he's kind of, you know, uh, he's running through the police obstacle course.

[9:26] He's sweating in, in, um, very strategic areas.

[9:29] Yeah.

[9:29] Underneath his man breast.

[9:30] And right around the belly button.

[9:31] Because he's a large man.

[9:32] Those are the only two places that he apparently sweats.

[9:34] He's having a hard time, uh, you know, keeping up with the, with the other, uh, academy members.

[9:39] Yet, uh, he does.

[9:39] Because he's incredibly obese.

[9:40] Exactly.

[9:41] But yet, at one point, he does swing on a, on a rope and does a flip, uh, and lands on his feet.

[9:46] So, I guess it's, it's maybe he just has the ability to, to every once in a while, uh, put it all together.

[9:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] He's got a lot of grace for a larger man.

[9:54] I need to, I need to, I need to retract a, a statement.

[9:57] What's that?

[9:57] Kevin James is not incredibly obese.

[9:59] Okay.

[9:59] Just somewhat.

[10:00] He's a stocky fella.

[10:01] Yeah, he's a little stocky.

[10:02] I think that was, I was doing that same.

[10:03] There's some muscle mass, uh, underneath it.

[10:05] Yeah, I mean, you know.

Dan McCoy

[10:06] But the thing is, like, he.

[10:07] He's still pretty cute, you know.

[10:09] Sure.

[10:09] He's an incredible romantic lead for Paul Blart and Maul Clop.

[10:12] Yeah, absolutely.

[10:13] Clop.

[10:14] Maul Clop.

[10:15] Maul.

S1

[10:15] Yeah, he's on, oh, he's on horseback for, for most of the time in the Maul.

[10:19] That's why it's called Maul Clop, of course.

Dan McCoy

[10:21] Um, but no, he collapses right before, uh, you know, getting through the obstacle course.

[10:26] It's because he's hypoglycemic.

[10:29] And, uh, one thing that you pointed out, Stuart.

[10:31] I did.

[10:32] Is there's a lot of exposition in this movie.

[10:35] Um, and you see that right off in the dinner scene between Paul Blart and his family when,

[10:42] um, his mother says, like, oh, you're hypoglycemic.

[10:44] You're hypoglycemic.

[10:46] You need to have sugar around or else you're going to pass out.

[10:49] And you expect Paul Blart to be like, I know what hypoglycemic is, Mom.

[10:52] I've been living with it all my life.

[10:54] It's a condition.

Stuart Wellington

[10:55] I've been to the doctor.

[10:56] Yeah, don't.

[10:57] And now that you say this on the day that my hypoglycemia cost me a job, uh, I think it's

[11:02] really insensitive of you, Mom.

[11:04] Mm-hmm.

[11:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] But no, he didn't say that.

[11:07] And then he puts peanut butter on some pie and eats it.

[11:11] So he's good for a while.

S1

[11:12] Which is really a way you should tag all scenes.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] I would like this movie a lot better if at the end of every scene, he's just like, from

[11:19] outer frame, he picks up a slice of pie with some peanut butter on his pizza.

S1

[11:21] I would like every movie better if that's how it worked.

[11:24] Like the scene in Heat where Robert De Niro and Al Pacino meet for the first time in that

[11:27] diner.

[11:28] It would be so much better if for the whole time they're just smearing peanut butter on

[11:31] pieces of pie.

[11:32] Mm-hmm.

[11:33] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[11:34] There's a lot, there's a lot of simple touches that would have made Heat a better movie.

[11:38] So, uh, so yeah.

[11:41] Most of them involve peanut butter.

[11:43] There's, there's a love interest and basically early on you're just like, oh, this guy's a

[11:47] nerd.

[11:48] He'll never get a girl.

[11:49] Oh, wait, he's totally into this girl who looks like she's pretty young.

[11:53] He's got a crazy mustache.

[11:55] Yeah.

S1

[11:55] For the first 25 minutes, a better title for the film would have been Paul Blart,

[11:59] Mall Voyeur, because he's basically just spying on this girl through whatever means he

[12:02] has at his fingertips through the, the mall security cameras, through, uh, sneaking around,

[12:08] uh, the kiosk where she works.

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] On his Segway.

[12:11] Mm-hmm.

[12:12] I can't say enough about the Segway use in this movie.

[12:15] Ridiculous.

S1

[12:16] Dean Kamen is incredibly thrilled that the, uh, the product placement in this movie worked

[12:20] as well as it did.

[12:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] So, yeah.

[12:23] So, it's such a, like, it's such a slow start.

[12:26] You have, like, the asshole, the happy, this is a happy Madison movie of various Adam Sandler.

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:33] Yeah.

[12:34] Yeah.

[12:34] And, uh, so they had to throw in, like, typical happy Madison style douchebag character.

[12:41] Um.

Dan McCoy

[12:42] Like, what about that, there's that one guy who's in all those movies.

[12:46] Alan, uh, Alan Covert.

Stuart Wellington

[12:47] Yeah.

[12:47] Uh, who shows up.

Dan McCoy

[12:48] You were talking, Brock, about how, like, characters in this movie, once their usefulness

[12:52] is done, they just disappear from the film.

[12:54] They just disappear.

S1

[12:54] It's, it's ruthlessly efficient.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] That character, his character had no usefulness in the film.

[12:59] However, he just disappeared.

S1

[13:01] He had one, uh, he had one moment of usefulness, which is, he's the first one to make visual

[13:05] contact with the mall hijackers.

[13:07] Mm.

[13:07] Without him, uh, suddenly there'd just be these dudes with guns roaming about through the mall.

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] Um.

[13:13] But, yeah, after that point, you never see him again.

[13:15] He, he literally runs off.

[13:17] Uh.

[13:17] I assume to this day.

[13:17] Runs out of the movie.

[13:18] He's just still running somewhere.

[13:20] Yeah.

[13:21] Running into other films that are being produced.

Stuart Wellington

[13:24] Uh.

[13:26] So, the, I want to touch on the, these hijackers or criminals or whatever.

[13:33] They're, they all go by, uh, reindeer names.

Dan McCoy

[13:36] I'm guessing because Black Friday is, uh, you know, a key Christmas shopping day.

[13:40] I thought it was in, uh, homage to the hit film Reindeer Games.

[13:44] I didn't even think about it that way.

Stuart Wellington

[13:46] Um.

[13:48] I'll have to think about it like that later.

[13:50] Okay.

[13:50] When I'm watching Reindeer Games.

[13:52] Um.

[13:53] So, so they're using these stupid names, uh, and then they actually show up to the mall

[13:58] wearing jumpsuits with those reindeer names on their, on their name tag.

[14:03] Right.

[14:04] That's a lot of effort.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] And, kind of silly.

[14:07] Well, I mean, either it's a lot of effort or it's not a lot of effort.

[14:10] If you look at it like maybe these, uh, crooks were too lazy to learn each other's code

[14:15] names.

S1

[14:16] Okay.

[14:16] Or maybe it's one of those things where they don't want to know each other's real names.

[14:19] So when the heist is done, they can go their separate ways and never turn on each other.

[14:23] The thing that I'm most interested to see is, is what Neo Tarantino is going to use this

[14:27] as inspiration for the criminals in his movie 20 to 30 years from now.

[14:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] That is a good idea.

S1

[14:33] It's a good idea.

[14:35] That's a good idea.

[14:36] It's a good idea.

Stuart Wellington

[14:37] Pretty sure that's where New York City gets his water supply.

[14:40] So, the one thing I did like about this movie, um, surprise, surprise, uh, the, the setup

[14:47] is Paul Blart has a daughter and she doesn't look exactly like Kevin James.

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:55] And you find, then, so.

Dan McCoy

[14:56] You're like, hmm, this daughter appears to be, um, Hispanic in some way.

[15:03] Yeah.

[15:04] Am I racist for thinking that?

[15:06] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[15:07] And then you find out you're not racist for thinking that because, uh, he's a single

[15:12] dad because he had married a woman who was an illegal immigrant.

[15:16] Apparently, they were married long enough for him to get her pregnant and then she's out

[15:20] of the picture because she was only there for a green card.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] And they, don't they like have like some crazy, speaking of racism, don't they have like some

[15:27] crazy like photo of her on the wall?

[15:29] Like wearing a sombrero on top of like a mural?

[15:31] A burro, yes.

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:33] That's very weird.

S1

[15:34] I assume they honeymooned at the Grand Canyon and did one of the donkey rides down into the,

[15:38] uh, to the.

[15:40] Donkey rides?

[15:40] Yeah.

[15:40] They, they have, uh, they have donkey rides down to the bottom of, uh, the Grand Canyon

[15:44] to, to the Colorado River.

[15:45] Wait, really?

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:47] Oh, donkey rides.

[15:49] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[15:49] I thought you were talking about something else.

[15:51] I'm not going to find the film Donkey Punch.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] Yeah.

[15:53] No, I wasn't thinking of that either.

[15:54] The, so it is weird though that, uh, that burro was supporting both the weight of Kevin

[15:59] James and an obese, uh, illegal.

[16:02] And then this woman, she was obese.

Dan McCoy

[16:04] Yeah.

[16:04] She's not stocky.

[16:05] It's like, he's like, Hey honey, we took this picture of me and your mom on top of a burro

[16:11] wearing sombrero just to remind you that your mom was Mexican.

S1

[16:15] Like he, it's, Kevin James feels it's important for his daughter to know her cultural roots.

[16:19] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[16:20] Do you think it was just too much effort to have a picture of like a traditional Mexican

[16:24] style wedding where he's marrying this woman?

[16:27] I think in an early draft it was, uh, right.

[16:29] Day of the dead.

[16:30] Maybe.

[16:30] Sure.

S1

[16:31] Maybe have a, a Quincy era, uh, or, uh, I'm, I'm mispronouncing it, but the, the, the,

[16:37] the, the, the traditional celebration that, uh, in Latino cultures comes at the, a girl's

[16:41] 15th birthday.

[16:42] Maybe a quinceanera.

[16:43] Is that it?

[16:43] Yeah.

[16:43] I think that's it.

[16:44] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[16:46] So, uh, I thought that was a good setup because I've never, ever seen a movie that uses that

[16:51] setup before.

[16:52] They're going to, the missing mom.

[16:54] Mom is an illegal immigrant who was just there long enough to shart out a little kid.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] You appreciate that.

[16:59] Like they were like, well, okay, we want him to be a single dad.

[17:02] Let's think of a slightly more interesting reason.

[17:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:05] Like so that the mom isn't dead or maybe the mom could have died in some kind of a mall

[17:11] based heist that causes him.

Dan McCoy

[17:14] Or maybe the mom was an international jewel thief, which is why he hates criminals.

[17:19] That, that makes a lot of sense.

[17:22] Uh, yeah.

[17:23] So that happened.

S1

[17:26] I think that's going to be something to use, uh, to describe many points in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:29] That happened.

[17:31] It was noted and then we moved on.

[17:33] Yeah.

S1

[17:34] The criminals use invisible ink.

[17:35] Invisible ink, uh, features highly in their plan.

[17:39] Yeah.

[17:39] That was weird.

[17:40] Mm-hmm.

[17:41] There's a lot of skateboarding.

[17:42] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:43] Well, here's something that is interesting.

[17:45] Um, a cell phone features highly in the, um, in the plot of the movie.

[17:51] Okay.

[17:51] Basically, just the fact that Kevin James has a cell phone is featured highly.

[17:55] Like, okay, we need to give Kevin James a cell phone.

[17:58] Rather than just giving Kevin James a cell phone, they, uh, come up with this elaborate backstory.

Stuart Wellington

[18:05] Yeah, that he doesn't have one, right?

Dan McCoy

[18:07] Yeah, he's like, oh, okay, I can't text the girl I like because I don't have a cell phone.

[18:11] And so the, um, the guy who works at the cell phone, uh, like, kiosk.

[18:18] VJ is his name.

[18:19] Yeah.

[18:20] He has to give, uh, Kevin James, Paul Blart, sorry.

[18:24] He has to give Paul Blart his daughter's cell phone, which he's confiscated from her because she's, I don't know, I don't know.

S1

[18:32] She went over on her minutes.

[18:33] Okay.

[18:33] That was, that was what happened.

[18:34] Yeah.

[18:35] There were, there, at points there are logical reasons for things that happen in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] Yeah, so he, he, he, he loans his daughter's cell phone to this man so, uh, uh, Paul Blart can text the girl that he likes.

[18:48] And then that gives, uh, Paul Blart a cell phone that he can use to take pictures of various things during the, uh, robbery.

[18:55] That he can.

[18:55] To keep in text contact with the hostages.

[18:59] But couldn't he just have had a cell phone?

[19:01] Like, the only reason.

S1

[19:02] Well, it's interesting.

[19:03] I think that's, uh, something that maybe was, uh, weeded out in all the different drafts of the film is that Paul Blart has Luddite tendencies.

[19:10] He doesn't have a cell phone.

[19:11] He doesn't allow his daughter to have one.

[19:13] He still listens to cassette tapes.

[19:14] Uh, he uses a very old computer.

Dan McCoy

[19:16] He does ride around on a Segway instead of walking like a normal human, though.

[19:20] That's the opposite of Luddite.

[19:21] Yeah.

[19:21] But I do agree that he does listen to cassette tapes rather than having.

[19:26] He listened to cassette tapes.

[19:27] That was an, that was an interesting choice.

[19:30] Perhaps an unmotivated one.

[19:32] Um, like the only reason that there is to justify the fact that he didn't have his own cell phone was that there was a, um, an Indian, uh, American, uh, young man character who was in love with the, the girl who had the cell phone.

[19:49] And so he kept, he kept, at the beginning of the movie, he called up Paul Blart and like basically like accused him of, you know, having some sort of affair.

[19:57] Which is really creepy.

[19:58] With the girl.

S1

[19:58] Because the girl's only about 14 years old.

[20:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:02] But, um, this, this, this kid played by, uh.

[20:04] Yeah, that's creepy.

[20:05] If you, if you saw the short-lived WB sitcom, Angel, uh, Aliens in America.

[20:10] Nope.

[20:11] Uh, it was played by.

[20:12] Is that like Angels in America?

[20:13] No, no.

[20:14] That, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a fantasia on gay themes.

S1

[20:17] Oh.

[20:17] Yeah.

[20:18] This was a, uh, uh, Aliens in America.

[20:20] It was a fantasia on, uh, modern American paranoia towards those of Middle Eastern descent.

[20:24] Yeah.

[20:25] But, um.

[20:26] So they weren't like aliens?

Dan McCoy

[20:28] No.

[20:29] No, you're thinking of, uh, Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

[20:32] Okay.

[20:33] But, uh, Raja.

Stuart Wellington

[20:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:36] Wait, so it's a lot like, it's a lot like V, right?

[20:39] It's exactly like V.

[20:39] It was a V with a laugh track.

S1

[20:41] Okay, that sounds pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[20:42] Uh, but the guy, the guy who played Raja in that movie, um, basically plays like this

[20:47] jealous, uh, guy.

[20:49] You said it was a sitcom, Dan.

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:50] Okay.

[20:51] Sorry.

[20:51] You said movie.

[20:52] And then, thanks for clarifying.

[20:54] Okay.

[20:55] At the end of the, uh, movie, Paul Blart Mall Cop, it comes up that, um, he, Raja calls

[21:02] him back and they're, all of a sudden.

[21:04] They're friends.

[21:04] He and Paul Blart are buddies.

[21:05] They're buddies.

[21:06] They're best buds.

[21:07] They're old pals.

[21:08] He's like, you know, Paul Blart's Sally's blowing up because, oh, it's, it's Raja calling

S1

[21:13] just to see what's up.

[21:14] I think, um, uh, maybe it's just, you know, uh, to use a metaphor, drawing their water from

[21:18] the same well makes them, makes them friends after, at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[21:22] They clearly both like the same thing.

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:25] This 14 year old girl.

Dan McCoy

[21:27] But the point is like plot wise was then that I guess, uh, because he's like a, an Indian,

[21:34] uh, gentleman.

[21:35] Sure.

[21:35] He's, he's good with computers.

[21:37] Like, let's, let's go down the stereotype road again.

[21:41] He's able to GPS the cell phone, which allows Paul Blart to find, uh, the hostages.

[21:47] Yeah.

S1

[21:47] A lot of stalkerish behavior going on on the part of male characters in this film towards their

[21:51] female counterparts.

[21:52] Yeah.

[21:53] Paul Blart, uh, you know, using mall security cameras to spy on his would-be paramour, uh,

[21:57] um, the, the Indian fellow, uh, installing GPS on his girlfriend's phone to keep in, uh,

[22:03] contact with her at all times.

Dan McCoy

[22:05] Well, but also there's a lot of really unnecessary, uh, plot mechanics to explain things that don't

[22:12] need to be explained.

[22:14] Explain, Dan.

[22:14] Well, earlier in the movie, there's a scene where Paul Blart makes an ass of himself in

[22:20] front of his, uh, his intended, his loved one, the one that he's interested in.

[22:25] Sure.

[22:26] And, uh, he does this by getting drunk in front of her and acting crazy.

S1

[22:30] For, uh, what seems like the, the first time in his life, uh, he, he, he tipples too much.

[22:36] He's not a drinker.

[22:37] Well, he says that at many points.

Dan McCoy

[22:38] He's like, yeah, the sugar converts into blah, blah, blah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] Yeah, he, he starts, like, tripping balls or something.

[22:44] He starts acting really weird.

S1

[22:45] It's as if, uh, the Grateful Dead somehow dosed, uh, whatever he was drinking at American

[22:50] Joe's.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] But to explain this.

[22:52] Is that a real restaurant name?

S1

[22:54] I was trying to figure it out.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] We should Wikipedia that shit right there.

[22:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:58] Yeah.

[22:58] Post-trick.

[22:58] If not a restaurant name, American Joe's sounds like maybe like a, like a morning show on

[23:03] some radio.

S1

[23:04] Yeah, Joe Scarborough should host it.

[23:06] American Joe's.

Dan McCoy

[23:07] Yeah, sounds good.

[23:08] Um, no, but like, they have to explain Paul Blart getting drunk.

[23:13] And so they do it by, all of a sudden he's in a nacho eating contest with a gentleman

[23:19] who runs the, uh, hot sauce kiosk, who we, by the way, have not been introduced to before.

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] I don't believe he was ever introduced by name either.

[23:27] No.

Dan McCoy

[23:27] Uh, and so.

[23:29] Yeah, that, that, that, that nacho eating contest was a good scene.

[23:33] He's in the middle of this nacho eating contest and, uh, he eats a really hot pepper.

[23:38] Uh-huh.

[23:39] And so he needs to grab a pitcher full of margaritas from a nearby table and basically

[23:44] drink it all down.

[23:46] There couldn't possibly be a situation where he just drinks too much because he's an adult

[23:50] who sometimes indulges.

S1

[23:53] Let's be frank.

[23:53] He's been stuck in a dead end job.

[23:54] Yeah.

[23:54] Uh, with the pressures of living with his mom and supporting a teenage daughter.

[23:58] Uh, I would assume that he'd want to drink.

[24:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] I mean, he doesn't even make enough money to afford a cell phone.

[24:03] Yeah.

[24:04] It's not like, it's not the audience is going to be like, ah, he's really drunk in this,

[24:08] uh, in this scene.

[24:09] I just don't buy it.

[24:10] If only there was some sort of nacho eating contest.

[24:12] Everything's going so well for him.

[24:14] Like, you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] A nacho eating contest would give us a great opportunity to have a scene filled with people

[24:19] trying to talk to each other with their mouths full.

[24:22] That's hilarious, right?

[24:23] And we don't need to write dialogue for it.

[24:26] But Stuart, I mean, when he gets...

[24:27] You thought that was all improv?

S1

[24:30] I assume, yeah.

[24:32] It seemed pretty tight.

[24:33] Too tight?

[24:34] Really tight.

[24:35] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[24:36] Like a really good, like a really good episode of Curb.

S1

[24:38] I mean, yeah.

[24:39] In retrospect, like seeing just the, like how choreographed the nachos went into each other's

[24:45] mouths.

[24:45] Never at the same time.

[24:46] No.

[24:46] So that one couldn't talk to the other.

[24:48] Well written.

Dan McCoy

[24:50] Now, Stuart, um, you've been known to imbibe.

[24:53] Sure, yeah.

[24:54] You're a drinker.

[24:55] Kinda.

[24:55] You're currently dating a bartender.

[24:57] Sure.

[24:58] Um, so Kevin James.

[25:01] Bar owner, actually.

[25:02] Uh, pretty accurate the way he was drunk, right?

[25:06] That's how I get all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] I often, when I drink too much in the night, I, uh, climb over people.

[25:12] I tear off my shirt and fall out a window.

[25:15] You punch a guy who's singing karaoke.

[25:17] I punch a guy who's singing karaoke.

[25:19] And then I get massive tattoos all over my back.

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] Like, incredibly intricate color tattoos.

[25:25] Miami Ink level tattoos.

Dan McCoy

[25:27] Yeah.

[25:28] Basically, um, you know, when you get, uh, drunk, it's like you've been dosed with some

[25:33] sort of hallucinogen.

[25:35] Like, uh, some sort of very powerful.

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] I mean, I wouldn't know because I don't take a lot of hallucinogens.

[25:42] Specifically powerful ones.

[25:43] But when I start drinking, I just get crazy, man.

[25:46] Like, it's, it's like, uh, like one of those movies with Alice in Wonderland and all that

[25:53] kind of business.

Dan McCoy

[25:53] I thought you were like, one of those movies, like Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Stuart Wellington

[25:56] It's a lot like this scene in Paul Blart, Mall Cop, Dan.

[25:59] So what you're saying is you're being...

Dan McCoy

[26:00] I can't say, stop saying Mall Cop, by the way.

[26:03] The Blart.

[26:04] I think maybe that was the design of the film.

S1

[26:07] There's a great scene where he's just, he's on horseback.

[26:09] And he's really, he's just like, he's whipping this, this thoroughbred harder and harder

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] to catch up with the skateboarding criminal.

S1

[26:15] And then at the very last moment, he, he yanks hard on the reins.

[26:18] The, the horse rears up on its two legs and just comes down right on top of the, uh, the

[26:21] hijacker.

[26:22] And then he...

[26:23] Wait, wasn't that in True Life?

Dan McCoy

[26:25] Then he, then he throws a jack-o'-lantern at the criminal.

Stuart Wellington

[26:31] What?

[26:32] Wait.

[26:33] I think this is while you were in the bathroom, this scene.

[26:35] Oh, fuck off.

[26:36] You should have rewound it.

[26:38] Oh, man.

[26:38] You guys just admitted that I went to the bathroom.

[26:41] Makes me looking professional, thanks.

[26:43] Makes you look like a human being.

[26:45] Yeah.

[26:45] With a bladder.

[26:46] Nope.

[26:48] Uh, so yeah, so far, so good.

[26:49] Like, I think we're doing a really good job of summarizing this movie.

[26:52] Yeah, I mean, the, the daughter was kind of weird.

[26:58] The love story was kind of awkward.

[27:00] Um, it does have a mustache, which is pretty cool.

S1

[27:05] The mustache, frankly, is better characterized than most of the characters in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[27:09] The bad guy has a really cool bad guy coat.

Dan McCoy

[27:13] And a cool bad guy name.

[27:14] Yeah.

[27:15] Bad guy, by the way, uh, you're introduced to him as Paul Blart's new partner in the mall

[27:21] security business.

[27:23] And then, uh-oh, switcheroo, twist, he's the leader.

[27:28] He's actually the boss.

[27:29] Of the hijackers.

[27:30] He's, he's the Bowser.

[27:32] Uh-huh.

[27:33] And, uh, you know, yeah, as you say, he's got really cool, uh, I'm a thief, uh, clothes that

[27:39] he wears.

[27:39] Like, uh, you know, like, uh, you know, uh, you're a thief, uh, you know, uh, you're a thief.

[27:47] Yeah.

S1

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:48] Much more tech savvy than, uh, Paul Blart as well.

[27:51] Yeah.

[27:52] Using every bit of technology.

[27:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] I believe Paul Blart even mentions that he's good on computers.

[27:56] Mm-hmm.

S1

[27:57] That's one of the ways that he, he admitted that the, uh, the arch, his arch enemy was

[28:01] better than him.

Stuart Wellington

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:02] The great thing about this, this bad guy is, um, like the writing in the script is so tight

[28:08] that they give him a lot of really good, uh, like monologues where he basically just summarizes

[28:13] all the things that Paul Blart has done up until this point that have been stupid.

[28:18] It'll be like, you know, you're overweight.

[28:20] You didn't make it into the police academy.

[28:22] You fell down that one time.

[28:24] Like, it's ridiculous.

[28:26] Uh.

S1

[28:26] I'm surprised he didn't start going into other elements of his backstory.

[28:29] You didn't graduate high school.

[28:30] Sure.

[28:30] You got rooked in a marriage.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] Um, et cetera.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] You, you peed the bed four times between the ages of 10 and 23.

S1

[28:40] You didn't have a male role model growing up, I assume.

[28:43] Uh, your father was not in the film.

[28:45] Uh.

Dan McCoy

[28:46] You, you prefer Ghostbusters 2 to the original Ghostbusters.

[28:50] That doesn't even make sense.

[28:52] How could that be?

[28:55] Uh, yeah.

[28:57] There's, you know, there's not a lot to this movie is the thing when it comes down to it.

[29:01] I mean, we haven't, I guess we haven't mentioned, uh, Bobby Cannavale.

[29:04] Yeah.

[29:04] Is in this movie.

[29:05] Oh, yeah.

[29:06] The station agents, Bobby Cannavale.

[29:08] He's the, um.

[29:10] He's the man who.

[29:10] Head of the SWAT team.

S1

[29:11] Yeah, and lip syncs in the nude to, uh, to Roberta Flack in the, uh, in the 10.

[29:16] Yeah, no.

[29:17] For the 10 people that saw that film.

[29:19] And he, uh.

[29:20] I'm sorry, David Wayne.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] Burn.

[29:23] No, it was a pretty good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] No, it had its ups and downs.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:28] It's on Netflix.

[29:29] Watch instantly, people.

Dan McCoy

[29:29] The scene with, the one with Liev Schreiber is really funny.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] No, well, yeah, because it's way hilarious.

[29:34] That's the high point.

[29:35] Yeah.

[29:35] Uh, so, yeah, and there's some twists.

[29:40] It's not, yeah.

S1

[29:41] It's one involving Bobby Cannavale.

[29:43] Yeah.

[29:44] Yeah.

S1

[29:44] It's true.

[29:45] Uh.

[29:46] Man.

[29:46] We won't explain that twist.

[29:47] Yeah.

[29:48] It's not really worth it.

[29:49] You could figure it out, I'm sure.

Dan McCoy

[29:50] Judge, Judge Phelan from The Wire is in it as, uh, the head of security.

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] As a would-be wisecracking.

[29:56] The man is, because that guy, that guy, uh, there's a switch-a-roonie at the end where

Dan McCoy

[30:00] that guy turns out to be a bad guy.

[30:01] Right.

[30:02] Bobby Cannavale.

[30:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:03] But why did he drive with Paul Blart to the airfield just so that, like, why would he

[30:11] take the good guy, the hero?

Dan McCoy

[30:13] I believe this was actually explained, uh, Stewart, which is that he could eliminate

[30:17] all of the witnesses at once.

[30:21] Well, why didn't he just shoot him in the car?

[30:24] He could have killed Paul Blart in the car and then transported it.

[30:26] I guess he would have bled all over the car.

[30:28] One thing that, uh.

[30:29] Yeah, but he didn't need that car.

S1

[30:31] That's a question that you can ask yourself a lot in this movie is, why didn't they just

[30:34] kill Paul Blart already?

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:36] And I think it goes back to the point where they just didn't bring enough bullets to

[30:39] get the job done.

[30:40] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[30:41] Or he's just too good, I think is what the movie's trying to show.

[30:45] He's just too damn good.

[30:47] And they showed it instead of telling it.

[30:49] Yeah.

[30:52] What?

[30:53] Anything else, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[30:53] No, I think we can wrap up on, uh, Paul Blart and give our, uh, final judgments on this

[30:58] movie.

[30:58] Now, to, again, to reset this for new listeners, we have, uh, three official Flophouse categories,

[31:06] although we often discard them in favor of, uh, just some rambling.

Stuart Wellington

[31:11] Just doing what feels right.

[31:13] Yeah.

[31:13] Just doing what our body wants.

Dan McCoy

[31:14] Feels good.

[31:15] Uh, number one, is this a good, bad movie?

[31:18] Movie that's, uh, movie that's, uh, funny in some way in its badness?

[31:20] A bad, bad movie?

[31:21] A movie that gives no enjoyment?

[31:23] Or a movie that we genuinely liked in some way?

[31:27] So, Stuart, what do you think?

Stuart Wellington

[31:29] Um, well, this isn't a good movie.

[31:32] Um, I don't, I, I can't say that it's so bad that it's a bad, bad movie.

[31:37] I got a couple of yucks out of it, which is all I'm really asking for in a comedy nowadays,

[31:41] you know?

[31:42] Just get a couple smiles out of me.

[31:44] So in that.

[31:44] Bring you to the verge of laughter.

[31:46] Yeah, so.

Dan McCoy

[31:46] To soothe the pain of being alive just a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] Just make me, you know, just make me forget for roughly an hour and a half.

[31:54] Forget all the things I've done.

[31:56] So, I'm going to say a good, bad movie.

[31:59] Like, you know, I had fun making fun of it.

[32:02] Kevin James is pretty easy on the eyes.

[32:05] And he's up for it, you know?

[32:06] Like, he makes an effort.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] Yeah, I'm going to say, I don't, I, this is, we've been doing this a lot lately, so I

[32:13] feel bad, but I feel like this kind of falls outside of the categories.

[32:16] Like, I don't think it's a, I don't think it's a good, bad movie, because I don't think

[32:20] it's, like, hilarious in its badness.

[32:23] I don't think it's a bad, bad movie, because there was a couple, like, I had a couple genuine

[32:26] laughs in it, but it's not like I actually really liked it.

[32:29] Like, it fell short of being, like, good.

[32:33] But you know what?

[32:34] It moved fast.

[32:35] It moved faster than 12 rounds, even, which moved pretty fast.

[32:39] Yeah.

[32:40] Kevin James, as you say, you know, made the most of a bad script.

[32:44] Like, he seemed likable, and he seemed like he could be funny if he was given good material.

[32:49] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] That's about all I can say for it, though.

S1

[32:53] Yeah, I'd have to echo the sentiment so far.

[32:55] I mean, I feel bad not towing the company line the first time I'm part of the podcast.

[33:00] But yeah, I agree.

[33:01] It falls somewhere between good, bad movie and bad, bad movie.

[33:04] You know, it's, I guess, yeah.

[33:07] Yeah, like, Kevin James tried hard, and I think the movie did try to deliver laughs.

[33:14] It just didn't do it very successfully.

[33:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:18] So, 50% of the time, you got to laugh, right?

[33:22] No.

[33:23] It seems like a very high.

[33:23] Yeah, very high.

[33:24] That's being charitable, then.

[33:26] Yeah.

[33:26] Okay.

[33:27] Well, I'm not going to try and come up with another estimate.

S1

[33:29] How about 14?

[33:31] I was going to say 15, so let's do 14.5.

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] Yeah.

[33:34] Okay.

[33:34] And I'll, I mean, we'll have to watch it again to actually test that, but I think.

[33:37] No, let's not.

[33:38] Let's not watch it again.

[33:40] I will say.

[33:40] Do you want to watch Reindeer Games instead?

[33:41] Okay.

[33:42] Let's watch Reindeer Games.

S1

[33:43] I was going to count the number of fart sound effects used in the film, and there was only one.

[33:47] So, I guess, you know, you know what?

[33:49] I'm willing to give that last 0.5% back to the film.

[33:52] We'll go to 15%.

Stuart Wellington

[33:53] So, Michael Bay's Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen beats Paul Blart on number of fart sound effects.

Dan McCoy

[34:00] So, now we're going to move on to the portion of the show where we actually make a few recommendations to prove that we're not hateful people filled with bitterness and spiders.

[34:15] So, if there's something that we've seen recently or not recently, depending on how busy our week has been, that we might want to recommend, now's the time to do so.

[34:27] And, Brock, I believe you actually have a recommendation.

[34:29] I do.

S1

[34:30] I saw Moon last week, and I didn't love it, but I enjoyed most of it.

[34:38] You know, it's...

[34:39] A qualified recommendation.

[34:41] Yeah.

[34:42] It was...

[34:43] I went in having very high expectations for it, just because it's the type of film that I like.

[34:50] I like ponderous science fiction films.

[34:54] And I guess it just wasn't quite as ponderous as I thought it would be, but I appreciate it for...

Dan McCoy

[34:59] But you wanted it to be more ponderous.

[35:01] I wanted it to be more ponderous.

[35:02] It was like Ice Pirates.

[35:04] What is Ice Pirates?

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] Yeah, like Ice Pirates.

[35:07] The movie Ice Pirates.

Dan McCoy

[35:08] It was like Remo Williams' The Adventure Begins.

[35:10] That's not a science fiction.

[35:12] Well, kind of.

Stuart Wellington

[35:14] Well, yeah, just keep going.

S1

[35:15] Well, either way, it's a film that had ambition, and I appreciated that, even if it didn't follow through on its ambition all the time.

[35:25] I like Sam Rockwell a lot, and I thought he gave a fine performance.

[35:29] And it was pretty much a one-character film, which is very hard to pull off, especially for a first-time director.

[35:35] So I would recommend Moon.

[35:39] Stuart, do you have any recommendations?

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Yeah, I'm going to recommend something that I might have already recommended, but I can't remember, so I'm going to recommend it anyway.

[35:45] Sure.

[35:45] Or just take it to mean that it's totally worth watching.

[35:50] It's a little movie called The Granny.

[35:53] The premise of the movie is this old lady, super rich, doesn't want to give up her money to her money-grubbing.

[35:59] And children.

[36:00] So she meets this weird mystic guy, and he gives her this weird potion.

[36:07] But she fucks up the instructions, a la Gremlins, and drinks too much.

[36:11] And then she dies, and then comes back as like a crazy demon lady.

[36:16] And begins murdering all of her horrible offspring, except for the one beautiful granddaughter who had been taking care of her,

[36:26] who is the perfect definition, like picture, like dictionary perfect definition of the like beautiful girl who has a ponytail and glasses.

[36:35] So everyone's like, oh, you're gross looking.

[36:37] Like literally people in the movie are like, you're so plain and gross.

[36:40] And you're like, that's crazy.

[36:43] And yeah, it's a totally awesome movie and gets way weirder than I could even describe right now.

[36:48] So The Granny, you need to go watch this movie.

S1

[36:51] Sounds like a George Saunders short story.

[36:53] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[36:54] Well, uh...

[36:54] I don't, I actually can't verify that.

Dan McCoy

[36:57] She was just very agreeable.

[37:01] What do you have for us, Dan?

[37:03] Jeez, I've been racking my brain.

[37:06] Podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] Listen to them.

Dan McCoy

[37:08] Yeah, I'm going to recommend The Flophouse.

[37:10] Okay.

[37:11] It's a really good podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[37:12] Okay.

[37:13] Uh, I don't know if I can agree with you.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] Oh, man.

[37:17] Well, um...

Stuart Wellington

[37:18] What's good about it?

Dan McCoy

[37:21] There's this guy, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[37:22] Okay, uh, you're winning me over.

[37:24] I like Stuarts.

Dan McCoy

[37:26] Here he's got a really like enticing low voice.

[37:29] The ladies like it.

[37:30] Baritone.

[37:30] Uh, Jesus Christ.

[37:33] I don't, you know, it's a TV show and I'm actually like only halfway through it.

[37:41] Like an episode?

[37:42] Yeah.

[37:43] Like you're only halfway through one episode of the TV show.

[37:45] No, I'm halfway through like the first series of it.

[37:48] Okay.

[37:49] Um, so it had two episodes?

[37:51] Uh, four.

[37:52] Four.

[37:52] Being a British series.

[37:54] I'm going to recommend Prime Suspect.

[37:55] I don't think it needs to be recommended because, uh, they made seven series of it.

[38:00] And it starred Helen Mirren and it's, uh, obviously, uh, you know, as a BBC series.

[38:06] Got Benny Hill on it?

[38:07] Goes.

[38:07] It's fairly successful.

[38:08] No, Benny Hill is not in it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] Any of the Monty Python guys?

[38:11] No.

S1

[38:12] Does Helen Mirren chase scantily clad girls to sped up, uh, footage?

[38:15] No.

Dan McCoy

[38:16] That'd actually be pretty good.

[38:17] She doesn't, also doesn't like, you know, go into a changing room on a beach and, you

[38:23] know, surprise a buxom blonde at any point.

[38:27] However, she stars in it.

[38:30] Tom Wilkinson's in it.

[38:31] Uh, a bunch of, you know, you know, um, unpleasant looking middle-aged British men are in it.

[38:38] You know I love Tom Wilkinson, Dan.

[38:40] Yeah.

[38:40] And I like...

[38:41] Can you say that just for me?

S1

[38:42] No.

[38:42] Okay.

[38:43] And I like that British people are still unafraid to put ugly people on television, which is

[38:46] something we don't do in America anymore.

Dan McCoy

[38:48] Uh, you know, just if you're looking for a, uh, you know, hard-boiled, uh, accurate police

[38:55] procedural, like, uh, like, you get a real feel that this is the way, um, you know, like,

[39:02] police stations probably work.

[39:04] It seems like, in that way, kind of like a British wire, although more, like, focused

[39:08] on, like, the whodunit rather than, like, the institutions of a city.

[39:13] But, uh, I'm really enjoying it so far, so that's what I recommend.

[39:18] So, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[39:20] Yeah.

[39:21] What else do we gotta do?

Dan McCoy

[39:22] Well, I think we pretty much just sign off at this point, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[39:25] Hey, uh, you were saying something about America not putting, um, ugly people on television.

[39:30] Yes.

[39:31] You need to watch this show, The Millionaire Matchmaker.

S1

[39:33] Okay, I'm sorry, I meant, uh, not in, uh, they won't put ugly people in scripted material

[39:38] anymore.

[39:38] Okay.

[39:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:39] Because that chick's busted.

[39:41] No way, no.

[39:43] Okay, so, what do we do?

[39:45] We sign off at this point.

[39:46] Okay.

[39:47] Well, uh, I want to say thanks for having me.

[39:49] This has been a lot of fun.

[39:51] Especially at short notice.

[39:53] Uh, okay, well, uh, I've been Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] I've been Dan McCoy.

[39:57] And, uh, I've been Brock Mahan.

[39:59] Good night, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[40:02] Yay!

[40:03] You like how I messed up the thing at the end where I started talking first?

[40:06] I haven't even been drinking.

[40:07] There's some kind of actual confirmation.

[40:15] Like, when girls are like, hey, you know, you're not bad down there.

Dan McCoy

[40:18] There are figures on, like, average penis size that you can find.

Stuart Wellington

[40:22] Yeah, I know.

[40:22] But, like, when, when you, I, I discovered that I actually had to upgrade my condom size.

[40:28] And then I had to go to the fucking store and buy, like, regular.

S1

[40:31] And I'm like, maybe I'll get a small pack of these.

Dan McCoy

[40:34] By the way, these are, this is what's going on the end of the podcast.

[40:37] Just to get the word out.

[40:38] Sure.

[40:39] Even more so.

[40:40] Don't make me embarrassed, huh?

[40:41] It's not gonna work.

[40:42] Oh, no, no.

[40:43] I'm trying to help you out.

[40:44] Who's gonna eat while we do this, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[40:46] It's important for you to get the word out.

[40:47] I will help.

[40:48] Thanks.

The Flop House: Episode #42 - Paul Blart: Mall Cop

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