FH Mini 76 - The Peach Pit, MFD Edition

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Hey, that's right. Welcome back to this is another episode of the Peach Pit.

[0:10] Everybody's favorite fan podcast about the number one podcast about bad movies.

[0:14] That's right. The Flophouse podcast. So welcome to the Peach Pit.

[0:17] I'm your host, Stuart Wellington. And joining me, I have two really great guests today.

[0:21] Again, I have the two original peaches. I have part Dan, part cop, part machine, all podcast here.

[0:31] Dan McCoy. Hey, Dan. Thanks for joining us.

[0:33] He's only part Dan.

Dan McCoy

[0:34] I feel like, you know, you've had us back enough times that there's diminishing returns as the specialness of us being guests on this wholly different show from the Flophouse that exists entirely separate from our feed.

Stuart Wellington

[0:49] I don't follow, but we have another guest. It's not just you today, Dan. We have another guest today.

[0:55] And it is the man whose love of movies is so old that he even dreams in black and white. That's right. Elliot Kalin. Elliot, thanks for joining us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] Stuart, thank you so much for having us again on the Peach Pit. I've got to say, I've got really exciting news I want to share with everybody specifically for this episode of the Peach Pit.

[1:12] Dan, I know you want to say something. I can see it in your eyes, but I'm going to take a moment and keep you hanging on the precipice of almost saying a word.

[1:19] Much like the kid in the Phantom Tollbooth in that one scene. Anyway.

[1:22] I'll just write it down.

[1:23] There's that, wait, there's an edging sequence in the Phantom Tollbooth?

[1:26] No, not exactly. Anyway, I've got exciting news. Dan, Stu, do you know what time of year it is?

Dan McCoy

[1:33] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] It's MaxFunDrive time. It's MaxFunDrive time. Technically, MaxFunDrive starts on Monday, May 20th. This episode drops two days before, but you're probably not going to listen to it the day of.

[1:43] MaxFunDrive starts on Monday, May 20th. Lasts until Friday, May 31st. I was just so excited about it. I had to start talking about it with this episode also because of our release schedule.

[1:52] MaxFunDrive is the time of the year when we, the Flophouse Podcast, and all the podcasts on the MaxFun Network come to you, the listener, hat in hand and say,

[1:59] thank you, my most beautiful beloved, for being such a wonderful, generous, and supportive audience.

[2:04] Can you please keep us going with regular infusions of cash?

[2:07] If you're a longtime listener, you know how MaxFunDrive works.

[2:09] You go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

[2:11] You choose how much money you'd like to pay per month to keep the Flophouse alive, and then it happens.

[2:15] The money goes to us, and the Flophouse keeps going.

[2:18] If you haven't done it before, please go do it right now.

[2:20] Right now, while you're listening to this.

[2:22] Don't wait around.

[2:23] Go to MaximumFun.org slash join right now because let me tell you, the entertainment market is dire right now, and Dan and I really need it.

[2:29] Stuart, not so much.

[2:30] He's a small business owner, backbone of the American economy, but Dan and I, whoo, golly, the wolf is at the old door there.

[2:36] I'm just kidding, mostly.

[2:37] Anyway, later in the show, I'll tell you more about the kinds of cool stuff you get from going to MaximumFun.org slash join

[2:42] and pledging your monthly support for MaximumFun at MaximumFun.org slash join.

[2:46] You get bonus audio content, gift packages, most of all a warm, fuzzy feeling from knowing that in today's world of corporate-owned cookie-cutter content,

[2:54] you've made it possible for us to continue putting out this unique, artist-owned, bonkers, nonsense bullshit.

[2:59] So go now to MaximumFun.org slash join and make a monthly pledge for as little as $5 a month.

[3:04] That's very little money in the grand scheme of things.

[3:06] You will be so happy that you did.

[3:09] So, Stuart, thank you for having us on the Peach Bit so I could talk about that, and I'll continue that message later in the show.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] Yeah, thanks, Elliot.

[3:15] Thanks for bringing it up, and thanks for mentioning the word bullshit because we got a lot of it coming up.

[3:20] Well, Dan, do you have something you wanted to say?

Dan McCoy

[3:21] Well, I wrote down what I wanted to say, and I'll show you that I wrote it down.

[3:26] When you were introducing Elliot, you said that his love of movies is so old, suggesting that the love is the old thing.

[3:34] I would say that the love probably doesn't predate Elliot, who is younger than me.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] I mean, the love of movies, I'm 41 years old, so that my love of movies is at least 36 years old.

Dan McCoy

[3:45] I would say, yeah.

[3:46] Your love of movies is approaching middle age, whereas you do love old movies.

[3:50] Yes, I also do love old movies.

[3:52] I don't want the FCC to come after us, Stuart, for the lies that we've been telling about.

Elliott Kalan

[3:57] Dan, that's one of the great things about being on the Maximum Fun Network.

[4:02] The FCC can't do shit about what we do.

[4:04] We're not on the public airwaves.

[4:06] Well, then fuck it, guys.

[4:07] FCC is a fucking cuck corporation because they're a bunch of cucks to us.

[4:15] Cool.

[4:16] So anyway, I apologize that this is the meanest I've ever been and the worst I've ever been on a Maximum Drive episode.

Stuart Wellington

[4:24] And that's the thing.

[4:24] Even though you're a villain, I assume that I'm supposed to sympathize with you because you're presented to me in media.

[4:31] Yeah, I exist in a piece of fiction.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] So you have no choice but to assume that the author agrees with everything I'm saying.

[4:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:38] So, Dan, thanks for calling out a misspeaking on my part.

[4:43] That's great.

[4:44] And that's very fitting with this podcast.

[4:47] So, normally the Peach Pit, we take an episode of the—

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] This is when Dan goes, who's the Dan now, dog?

[4:53] Because usually Dan is the one who's misspeaking to me.

[4:55] The problem is, I'm the dog now, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:00] Who's Dan's dog now?

[5:02] Stuart is.

[5:03] When Stuart reminds me, when Stuart throws it back in my face, I feel bad about it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:08] It doesn't seem to work.

[5:11] My Polish grandmother taught me well.

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:15] So, now, normally here on the Peach Pit, we take an episode of the Flophouse podcast and go moment by moment and blow by blow and talk about our favorite bits.

[5:24] But this is a very special episode.

[5:25] As Elliot has mentioned, it's during the MaxFun Drive.

[5:28] So this episode of the Peach Pit is not just the Peach Pit.

[5:30] This is the Peach Pit Requiem, the rise of the Peach Pit.

[5:34] Okay?

[5:34] It's a very special episode.

[5:35] And because I have my two favorite podcasters with me, I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions sent in by listeners of the Peach Pit to really pick your brains and really get a picture of who these two peaches are.

[5:47] And three peaches because I'm a peach, too.

[5:49] Keep track.

[5:50] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] Wow.

[5:53] That was a shocking twist.

[5:54] Stuart is not just the host of the Peach Pit, but also one of the hosts of the Flophouse, the podcast that the Peach Pit is about.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] It's – the Peach Pit is complicated, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] It's like if instead of Chris Hardwick hosting The Talking Dead, he hosted Talk Midnight, a show that follows At Midnight and talks about what happened in that episode of At Midnight.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] I mean he might do this because aren't they bringing At Midnight back with I'm assuming a different host?

[6:17] Very much not with him.

[6:18] Very much not with him.

[6:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:20] I would presume that after everything –

[6:22] It would be weird.

[6:23] It would be a weird choice.

[6:24] It would be an odd choice.

[6:25] But, you know, people would talk and I guess any publicity is good publicity, right, guys?

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:29] That's what they say.

[6:30] No, that was ironic.

[6:31] Again, I was doing a bit.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] Well, it would also be weird because if – is Comedy Central putting it on this time?

[6:37] Because they normally don't ever make any –

[6:39] No, it's on CBS.

[6:40] Oh, weird.

[6:40] Because normally I was going to say it wouldn't make sense for Comedy Central to make a mistake because they only make good choices when it comes to their entertainment, right?

[6:47] That's right.

[6:48] Only good choices.

[6:50] He, he, he.

[6:51] That's a classic Stuart Stinker moment.

Elliott Kalan

[6:54] But I like Stuart's always – this Flop House podcast is always – I know this is a peach pit, but the Flop House podcast is always experimenting with new ways to wreck Dan and my careers ahead of time by alienating powerful buyers.

[7:07] I didn't do anything.

[7:08] I'm just a stinker.

[7:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:11] Hands off.

[7:12] Hands off for the stinker.

[7:13] I guess he's absolved by the stinker.

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] Your Honor, I'd like to submit a writ of he's a stinker.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] Sustained.

[7:23] The case is dropped.

[7:25] Vacated.

Stuart Wellington

[7:26] Yeah, I'm exonerated on grounds of being a stinker.

[7:29] So, you guys just mentioned, as you guys just moaned and complained for moments.

[7:35] You guys are both out of work.

[7:36] So, what I would like – what I and what our listeners want to know is, what's a day in the life of a podcaster like you?

[7:44] Dan, what do you do on a regular work day, on a podcaster day?

Dan McCoy

[7:48] I mean, I would love to talk about this because my greatest fear when I'm asking for money is that people are going to be like, he's a podcaster.

[7:57] What the – he's – why?

[8:00] Why am I – and don't think about it too hard.

[8:02] Just go to maximumfun.org slash join.

[8:07] No, I put a lot of work into the podcast, as do we all.

[8:14] A lot of what I do during the day actually is – right now is on my own projects.

[8:17] I'm trying to get a book off the ground.

[8:20] I have a book proposal out there.

[8:22] Using like a ladder or just hurling it into the air or how do you get a book off the ground?

[8:25] How does anyone do it, guys?

[8:28] I've been to the library.

[8:29] I'm like, oh, this is all great for, you know, the 1% who can forward somewhat like a book tote to like take their books home.

[8:37] But how am I to do it?

[8:39] I'm your man.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] Your floor is covered with books and the only way you know how to move them is to just nudge them with your foot or kick them around?

[8:44] I just kick them along.

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] Yeah.

[8:45] That's a classic 20s Stewart-style apartment layout is stacks of books on ground.

Dan McCoy

[8:53] So there's that.

[8:55] I mean I sometimes do some freelance stuff.

[8:59] I don't know.

[9:00] I don't – like a lot of my time is with weird stuff that relates to just the runnings of the show.

[9:08] But I was not prepared to answer this question, so it's all going blank right now.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] I love Dan's inability to answer questions posed to him on this for the moment.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] Elliot, why don't you pick it up?

[9:20] I feel like you have probably a little more complicated life than Stewart or Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Well, that's – you're exactly right because I have two small human beings that rely on me and my wife for their entire livelihood.

[9:31] And I assume – it seems all their entertainment and all the stimulation they need throughout the day.

[9:36] And so my day usually begins probably around 4.30 or 5 a.m. when my youngest child walks into the room and announces that he's having trouble sleeping and he wants to sleep on the mattress that's in our room on the floor because he comes in and sleeps on it all the time.

[9:51] And we say –

Stuart Wellington

[9:52] Also another feature of a classic Stewart – Stewart Wellington 20s apartment is mattress on floor.

Elliott Kalan

[9:58] You were really – it was a very floor-based apartment for you.

[10:00] You were very floor-centric.

Stuart Wellington

[10:02] I remember in high school I had a friend who was a few years older than me who graduated from high school before me.

[10:07] And he lived in an apartment where in his bedroom it was a mattress on the floor and then like just piled up magazines and role-playing books.

[10:16] And the magazines were either like cheap pornography or reptiles magazines.

[10:22] And at the time I was like, this is living.

[10:26] This is the ideal dream.

[10:27] This is the only person I've ever met.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] So the small child, sometimes he'll just walk into the room in the middle of the night and announce that he has to go to the bathroom and then go to the bathroom by himself because he doesn't need us anymore.

[10:39] He's old enough to do that.

[10:40] But he needs to announce it and get permission in the middle of the night.

[10:42] Anyway.

[10:43] I do the same thing though.

[10:44] Then I wake up for good a little bit later, get my kids' stuff ready for school.

[10:49] Some days I drive them to school.

[10:50] Some days my wife does.

[10:51] And then when I get back, it is the work of a working writer who is trying to get work writing.

[10:58] So there's a lot of coming up with ideas, sketching out ideas, scheduling pitches, pitching projects, those projects not getting bought.

[11:06] Me wondering why I even do this.

[11:08] Entering a deep depression.

[11:10] Yeah.

[11:10] I'll storm cloud over my head.

[11:12] Then I come up with another idea.

[11:13] I say this is my million-dollar idea.

[11:15] I start working on that pitch.

[11:16] And also I'm working on a book about joke writing that will hopefully come out in, what, 2024 at some point?

[11:22] Maybe 2025?

[11:23] And, you know, doing various comic book things too as well.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] Elliot is putting his finger on the trouble that I have with defining my work, which is that, like, my work is so diffuse and hard to describe in any way that doesn't make it sound just like sitting around and staring off into space, which a lot of it is.

[11:44] But the time is spent thinking and working on.

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] What I find is I am often working on anywhere from five to eight projects.

[11:54] But most of those projects are not paying projects yet.

[11:56] They're things that I hope to sell.

[11:58] Yeah, you're doing it on spec.

[11:59] And so you enter this realm where you're like, is this real or is it not real?

[12:06] Am I – like, how is this different from a madman in a castle somewhere who's kind of scrawling on the walls of the dungeon that he's been imprisoned in, you know, with his own feces?

Dan McCoy

[12:17] And also you start thinking, like, why are my thoughts more important?

[12:20] Why do I feel like I need to put them on paper and other people need to respond to them in some way?

[12:26] Why am I so good?

[12:28] What – who do I think I am?

[12:31] Speaking of which, I spent most of the day – I just remembered the thing that I was doing today.

[12:35] I don't know why.

[12:36] I forgot.

[12:37] Basically all of the day today was working on the presentation for our live show coming up in April at the Bell House.

[12:47] Both writing it and –

[12:48] April 2nd at the Bell House?

[12:49] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:49] April 2nd, Sunday, 7.30 p.m.

[12:52] April 2nd at the Bell House in New York.

[12:53] Just go to the Bell House's website, which I believe is what?

[12:56] Thebellhouseny.com for tickets?

Dan McCoy

[12:58] Yes.

[12:59] Oh, wow.

[12:59] And I was – you know, both writing it –

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] One where we'll be talking about Battlefield Earth, one of our most requested movies to talk about?

Dan McCoy

[13:05] Both writing it and, you know, putting together the images, which I have now gotten so, like, granular and, like, perfectionist about.

[13:14] And, like, wanting to, like, really make these images that people are going to see essentially one time briefly in a series of slides really good because, I don't know, that's the work that you put into it.

[13:29] Because if you can't find the joy in it, then why are we doing it, I guess?

[13:33] Even though, even though many other podcasts – and I'm not throwing shade on them.

[13:38] I'm just saying how it's dumb that we do it, and we hope you appreciate it.

[13:44] Many podcasts just get up on stage and talk.

[13:46] But we put in the work to this visual element that can be quite a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] So, Stuart, I'm glad you asked that question.

[13:55] It led to this descent into unhappiness and complaining that we could have.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] Where we openly questions the worth of our work even as we are asking our audience to go to MaximumFun.org slash join and throw money at the work.

[14:11] Or not throw money.

[14:11] It is funny.

Stuart Wellington

[14:12] What's also funny is that neither of my two friends ask me what I do in my day.

[14:16] So that's a really good question.

[14:18] I usually wake up.

[14:20] I thought you were the host of the –

Elliott Kalan

[14:21] When you said you were the host of the show, we were your guests.

[14:23] I didn't realize that we were also co-hosting and going to interview you.

[14:27] But what do you do during your dance?

Stuart Wellington

[14:28] Well, that's part of being an active listener, Ellie, is making an effort to ask the person you're talking to.

Dan McCoy

[14:34] Usually a guest on, say, Conan O'Brien's show doesn't say,

[14:37] And Conan, what did you do?

[14:38] Yeah, yeah.

[14:39] Well, they don't say that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:41] They never say, What did you do to die today at a minute or two to two, Conan?

[14:44] Yeah, they definitely don't stumble that way.

Dan McCoy

[14:46] But they also don't ask him how he spent his time.

[14:48] But, I mean –

Stuart Wellington

[14:49] Stuart, the Conan O'Brien of this show, what did you do today?

[14:52] If you had the option, if you had the chance, one chance, would you take it?

[14:57] Would you ask Conan O'Brien what he did that day?

Dan McCoy

[14:59] Yes, but I'm not like Paul Rudd there to –

[15:01] Yeah, Paul Rudd's not like, so Conan, do you have any projects you've got coming up?

Stuart Wellington

[15:06] You're not people's sexiest man alive, Paul Rudd?

[15:09] Yeah.

[15:09] Okay.

[15:10] Well, so I wake up in the morning –

[15:12] So what do you do during your day?

[15:13] Yeah.

[15:13] I stretch for about 30, 40 minutes.

[15:16] I drink my juices and my coffee.

[15:18] So much stretching.

[15:19] And then I go to the gym.

[15:20] I have a bad back, so I have to stretch it.

[15:22] Then I go to the gym for about an hour and a half, mainly weightlifting.

[15:25] I come home, make a breakfast, watch some late-night television.

[15:28] But in the morning – that's weird, right?

[15:30] I think that's how most people consume it.

[15:32] That's why you're the Batman villain backwards man.

[15:34] That's all you do is watch late-night shows in the morning.

[15:36] Then after doing that, I hit the treadmill, take a shower.

[15:40] And then I spend my afternoon usually at one of the bars I own, checking inventory, helping out, making sure everything's running smooth.

[15:47] And then that evening, who knows?

[15:49] World's my oyster.

[15:50] Maybe I'll go to the movies.

[15:51] Maybe I'll do a podcast with my friends.

[15:53] Who knows?

[15:55] So that's a day in the life of Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] The podcast recordings are usually scheduled, so you do know.

Stuart Wellington

[16:00] Oh, yeah.

[16:00] That's true.

[16:01] Sometimes I know.

[16:02] Sometimes, like today, I throw together at the last minute.

[16:06] Okay.

[16:07] So that's a day in the life of the podcaster.

[16:08] That's great.

[16:09] Now, the Flophouse, guys.

[16:13] So the Flophouse, we watch and review bad movies.

[16:18] Yeah, are you asking?

[16:19] And we've been doing it for—

[16:20] If that's the premise.

[16:21] We've been doing it for about 15 years.

[16:24] If you have a—

[16:24] Now, I'm sure there's been times where you're like, watch a bad movie and talk about it?

[16:30] Ugh, what a way to waste my life.

[16:32] Now, if there was another topic—

[16:36] I feel like we've answered this before on the show.

[16:38] Is there another topic that if you couldn't do a movie about—

[16:42] A movie.

[16:42] If you couldn't do a podcast about movies, is there another topic you would like to do a podcast on?

[16:47] So all movies are out.

[16:50] All movies are out.

[16:51] I guess unless you have a twist on the movie premise that is untapped as of yet.

Dan McCoy

[16:59] No.

[17:01] Could I do a deep dive?

[17:04] I mean, hold on.

[17:06] You can do whatever you want.

[17:07] It's a fantasy world, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[17:07] Is television fine?

[17:08] You can do anything you want.

Dan McCoy

[17:10] Television's fine.

[17:11] Yeah.

[17:12] I would do a deep dive.

Stuart Wellington

[17:12] No, if you said you were going to do a movie podcast, I would climb through the computer like Sadako and kill you.

Dan McCoy

[17:20] I would do a deep dive into Jim Hansen's lesser-known television projects.

[17:27] You know, we're talking—I mean, not like super—they don't have to be super lesser-known.

[17:32] So where does Storyteller—

[17:33] Storyteller would be like the peak of, like, known that would be allowed.

[17:39] Is Emmett Otter in there?

[17:43] I think Emmett Otter is too well-known, but what we would definitely get into is the Jim Henson Hour, which repackaged a lot of Storyteller with, you know, a new version of the Muppets, you know, working at a cable TV station.

[17:57] You know, maybe we would talk about the terrible sketches he did for Saturday Night Live.

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] So basically you're taking one of your heroes, one of your idols whose work you love deeply and means a lot to you, and you're like, let's troll through the stuff he did that wasn't as good so I can make fun of him.

[18:15] Well, no, I mean, the Saturday Night Live stuff definitely wasn't as good.

[18:17] See a god can bleed.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] I loved both halves of Jim Henson Hour.

[18:23] I thought that that was some of the most interesting stuff, and I felt like even though he was not sort of—you know, the Muppets were up and down in terms of how much money they were making anyone, and that was maybe him, like, flailing a little bit that way.

[18:40] But it was definitely some of his more creative stuff.

[18:44] I feel like—I wish he had lived longer so I could have seen where he took it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] That storyteller episode where the soldier wins the card game with the devils and gets the ability to see death and puts death in a sack and ties him up in a tree.

[18:59] Like, I think about that story—I think I saw it once when I was a kid, and I think about it frequently, you know.

[19:05] Yeah, I love that stuff.

Dan McCoy

[19:06] You know, I bet not a month's gone by that I haven't thought about that storyteller.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] Anyway, you had some questions, young man.

Dan McCoy

[19:14] Yes, Kane, his last word, Rosebud, that no one was around to hear.

[19:19] What did it mean?

Elliott Kalan

[19:20] Well, it's interesting you say no one was around to hear it because a character in the movie says I heard him say it, but other people say, well, I didn't see him in that shot, but I'm going to trust the movie on this one.

[19:30] Yeah, okay.

[19:31] That's one of those—

[19:32] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] That's one of those—there's a Citizen Kane podcast that I was listening to recently where they're like, the character says he was in the room, but when you look at the shot, you don't see him in the room.

[19:40] And I'm like, come on, let's just go with what the movie tells me.

Stuart Wellington

[19:43] Like, they didn't want to pay for that act.

[19:45] What's the Citizen Kane podcast called?

[19:48] Is it called Kanecast?

[19:49] No, this one's called the Citizen Kane Minute, although each episode talks about five minutes.

[19:53] Oh, okay.

[19:54] Not one minute.

[19:54] Because I feel like if you called it Kanecast, people might assume it's based on the collection of short stories by Gene Toomer.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] Oh, I thought if they said Kane—the book Kane, you're saying?

[20:06] That's one of Stuart's surprise Gene Toomer references.

[20:08] I thought it was going to be a Danity Kane, not a classic Stuart Stinker.

[20:11] Now and then, Stu will mention Kane by Gene Toomer, and it's the reference I never expect from him, even though he's done it a couple times.

[20:19] But a lot of people, I think, would think a Kanecast is just a Kane you get when you're in a cast.

Stuart Wellington

[20:23] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[20:25] Or a cast for your Kane in case you break your Kane, and you have to get a cast, and it's like, doctor, that Kane's not going to heal.

[20:30] It's not organic.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Yeah.

[20:32] It's a Kane review podcast.

Dan McCoy

[20:34] That wood was living at one point, but no longer.

[20:36] It has been carved and shellacked.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] Well, I made it a zombie first so that it'll heal, and then it's a zombie Kane, zombie wood, and then I put a cast on it.

[20:43] That makes sense.

[20:44] One more question.

[20:46] One more question.

[20:47] Why am I asking you this?

[20:48] Are you some sort of a wizard?

[20:52] That, of course, is our recurring character of Fantasy Columbo.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] I mean, Fantasy Columbo would 100% be a wizard, right?

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] I don't know that he's a wizard.

[21:03] I think he's a frumpy guy who interviews wizards.

[21:08] Oh, Wormtongue.

[21:09] Says you work for Sauron, maybe, or something.

[21:13] I don't remember exactly.

[21:14] Saruman, technically.

[21:15] Yeah, yeah.

[21:15] He could probably be.

[21:17] I work for Saruman, who works for Sauron.

[21:19] We're being on hierarchy here in the Sauron organization.

Dan McCoy

[21:24] He could be a hobbit or something.

[21:25] A wizard's too high status for Columbo.

[21:27] That's fair.

[21:27] He would probably be a hobbit.

Stuart Wellington

[21:28] Yeah, Columbo would be like, but that's the thing.

[21:29] Yeah, he's like a hobbit, and everybody drops their guard around him, and that's how he gets him.

[21:34] Exactly, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] Just one last thing.

[21:39] Are you going to sing a song while you throw my dishes around?

[21:43] Because Mrs. Columbo doesn't like that.

Dan McCoy

[21:46] I specifically unchecked that box on Grubhub.

Elliott Kalan

[21:51] I don't like that that box comes pre-checked.

[21:54] When I hire a bunch of adventurers, that they throw my dishes around while singing a song box comes pre-checked, and I have to opt out of it.

[22:01] That shouldn't be fair.

[22:01] You've got to opt out, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:03] Well, it's said very plainly on the website.

[22:06] You should just check it more clearly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] You know not everybody reads that agreement, though, right?

[22:13] They just got to scroll down to the end, and they're ready to click OK because we don't have that much time on our hands.

Stuart Wellington

[22:18] Yeah, yeah.

[22:19] If you expected people to read it, you'd put it in Quenya, not Centauri.

[22:23] I mean, come on.

[22:24] So one of the things that Columbo is known for is having a collection of great guest stars, and so is the Flophouse podcast.

[22:32] You guys have had some really great guests on the show.

[22:35] My question to you is, do you have any dream guests to be on the podcast?

Dan McCoy

[22:41] I mean, I'll be honest.

[22:43] My dream guest was having Joel Hodgson on because, you know, you can't like this kind of thing.

[22:53] Yeah.

[22:54] Without – and it was just – it was so nice to have that finally happen.

[23:01] But let me think about something else.

[23:03] I've vamped a long time.

[23:04] Maybe Elliot has something.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] I don't.

[23:06] Well, I do have something.

[23:07] While Dan's thinking about that, I just wanted to take a moment to remind everybody that the MaxFun pledge drive is, if you're listening to this episode a couple days in, happening right now.

[23:17] And if you're listening to it on the day of release, it is about to happen.

[23:19] But you can still go to MaximumFun.org slash join and make your monthly pledge.

[23:24] So I just want to ask you a question.

[23:26] Did you go to MaximumFun.org slash join yet and make your monthly pledge?

[23:29] You did?

[23:30] That's amazing.

[23:31] Thank you so much.

[23:32] We really couldn't do this podcast without your support.

[23:34] It's kept us going for years now, and as long as you keep pledging support to us, it'll keep us going until we're moldering in the grave.

[23:40] Nothing but a bunch of old corpses that used to have a podcast.

[23:43] Wait.

[23:44] Hold on.

[23:44] You're shaking your head.

[23:45] You didn't go to MaximumFun.org slash join yet?

[23:48] Okay.

[23:48] Dan, Stu.

[23:49] Hold me back, boys.

[23:50] Hold me back.

[23:50] I'm about to give him a piece of my mind.

[23:52] Hold me back, guys.

[23:53] Okay.

[23:53] Maybe, listener, you're just not aware of how important and amazing the MaxFun drive is.

[23:57] The fact is, MaxFun members are the ones who pay our salaries.

[24:01] Yes, we get a little bit of sponsor advertising money.

[24:03] Sponsors, please also sponsor our show.

[24:05] But the vast majority of what supports us is pledge payments from audience members like you.

[24:10] Maybe you yourself or maybe people you know, but audience members like you.

[24:13] Here's the thing.

[24:14] When you pledge your money to the Flophouse, that money goes right to the Flophouse.

[24:17] MaximumFun skim's a little off the top.

[24:19] To pay for their overhead.

[24:20] But the vast majority of it goes right into our pockets and then through us into the pockets of our producer, Alex, who I know you really want to pay.

[24:27] Please do not pay Alex directly.

[24:28] Please pay us, and then we will pay Alex what we feel he is owed.

[24:32] This makes it possible for us to go to time, energy, and creative imagination to this, the funniest podcast in the universe.

[24:37] You just heard that fantasy Columbo bit.

[24:39] You were rolling around on the floor laughing.

[24:41] Now, you can join Maximum Fun any time of the year, but this is the time of year when we really push it.

[24:45] And if you join now by going to MaximumFun.org.

[24:49] You don't have to mention it again for the rest of the year.

[24:51] We'll free you from that.

[24:52] So will you please join us as a member?

[24:54] Will you go to MaximumFun.org slash join and become a part of this life quest that we call the Flophouse?

[24:59] And if you're already a member, will you please upgrade your membership and become an even bigger part of this life quest we call the Flophouse?

[25:06] You don't have to buy it for yourself.

[25:07] You can buy a gift membership for a friend.

[25:09] It's the perfect birthday, graduation, anniversary, or congrats on finishing your prison sentence gift.

[25:13] You can even give a gift to a would-be MaxFun member who feels like they want to join but don't have the financial ability to do that right now.

[25:19] You can gift anonymously to somebody so that they can enjoy this too.

[25:23] You can do all that at MaximumFun.org slash join.

[25:25] You may be asking, what do you get in return?

[25:27] Okay, first off, I'm a little insulted.

[25:29] You think it's not enough that you get this amazing show in your ears 52 weeks a year.

[25:33] Okay, but we give that out for free because we love you all so much.

[25:36] Why should you pony up your money for it?

[25:38] You get other stuff.

[25:40] Pledge just $5 a month.

[25:42] $5.

[25:43] That's like one coffee a month, I guess.

[25:45] I don't drink coffee.

[25:45] And you get access to all of the MaximumFun bonus content.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] It would be terrifying if you started drinking coffee, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[25:51] If I started drinking coffee, probably parts of my brain would explode and I would just turn into – what's his name?

[25:57] The cartoonist who draws like mice with their eyes popping out while they're driving big jalapes.

[26:00] Big Daddy.

[26:01] Yeah, I'd be a Big Daddy Roth character.

[26:03] Yeah.

[26:04] My tongue sticking out, eyes popping out.

[26:05] Anyway, so I shouldn't drink coffee.

[26:07] So you get access for $5 a month to all the MaximumFun bonus content.

[26:11] That's not just our bonus content of which there is hours of hilarious jokes, exciting role-playing games, scintillating movie commentaries.

[26:17] You get the bonus content of all the MaxFun shows, and that's exclusively only available to MaxFun members.

[26:23] This year, we've got a bunch of new bonus content coming out.

[26:26] We have a multi-part Flop Tales role-playing adventure where Stu takes us through our dog alter-ego adventure featuring all your favorites.

[26:33] Scraps, Lucky, Dancer, Silverfur.

[26:35] We're all there.

[26:36] And we recorded a crossover episode with Men and Adam of the Greatest Gen talking about Airplane 2.

[26:41] That's right, everybody.

[26:42] We each took an hour and a half out of the precious limited time God gives us on this earth and used it to watch Airplane 2 so we could record some hilarious bonus content for you.

[26:51] Please, please don't make me regret that in the future.

[26:54] Go to MaximumFun.org when I'm on my deathbed and I said I would have an hour and a half more if I hadn't watched Airplane 2.

[27:00] That's how time works, right?

[27:02] So go to MaximumFun.org join right now to pledge and get that bonus content.

[27:06] We also have some stretch goals that I'll tell you about briefly for the number of new and upgrading members we want to bring in.

[27:11] If we reach those goals, it will unlock more bonus stuff, mostly bonus content but also other stuff.

[27:16] If we meet our first goal, we will record another piece of bonus content, an audio commentary for the movie Brats.

[27:22] That's right, a Flophouse classic.

[27:24] Brats will do a full new audio commentary for it.

[27:27] It's a movie selected by our fans by poll.

[27:29] It's the movie you people asked us to talk about and we will.

[27:32] That's our first goal.

[27:33] If we meet our second goal, which is even bigger, we promise to do an episode of the show on one of the top ten money-losing flops of all time that we haven't already covered on the show.

[27:40] And we'll release the full video of that show on YouTube so you can see our beautiful faces and the beautiful rest of us on YouTube talking.

[27:48] Well.

[27:49] Well, not the whole rest of us.

[27:50] Okay.

[27:51] Within reason.

[27:52] That's YouTube standards.

[27:53] We'll also do another random member giveaway raffle if we reach that second goal.

[27:58] It's a raffle drawing where 30 random MaxFun members chosen by hand will receive either a signed Maniac of New York comic book from me, some swag from Stu.

[28:08] Stu, will that be Flophouse or Hinterland's swag?

Stuart Wellington

[28:10] Hinterland's merch, baby.

[28:12] Or maybe a little bit of both.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] From the best bar in Brooklyn.

[28:15] From the best bar in Brooklyn.

[28:15] Or, and this is the exciting one.

[28:17] Or, an original sketch of a movie character chosen by you from the hand of Dan McCoy.

[28:23] Ten comics.

[28:24] Ten Hinterlands or Flophouse swag packages.

[28:26] Ten movie character drawings going out to 30 random members on this trial.

Stuart Wellington

[28:31] And real quick, Sonic the Hedgehog is technically a movie character, right?

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] And so, probably Sonic the Hedgehog.

Stuart Wellington

[28:37] Even though he doesn't appear pregnant in any of the movies, that could have happened.

Elliott Kalan

[28:42] This is your chance to finally get an original Dan McCoy drawing of pregnant Sonic.

[28:46] I guess there's nothing in the rule book that says.

[28:48] If you eligible for that raffle.

[28:49] And if you don't, if we don't reach that goal and you're not a MaxFun member, you don't

[28:53] get the chance to win a pregnant Sonic drawing from Dan McCoy.

[28:56] Again, it doesn't have to be pregnant Sonic.

Dan McCoy

[28:59] It would prefer not, but, you know, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[29:02] And we have one more stretch goal.

[29:04] If we meet that third stretch goal, fuck it.

[29:07] We'll do an audio commentary for Food Fight.

[29:08] Yeah, Food Fight.

[29:09] Who gives a shit?

[29:10] Let's do it.

[29:11] Wait a minute.

[29:11] Food Fight.

[29:12] I didn't agree with that.

[29:13] I'm saying it.

[29:14] I'm committing us.

[29:15] If we get that third goal.

[29:16] Oh, what?

[29:17] Food Fight.

[29:17] You don't know about this.

[29:18] Food Fight, the animated movie where a dog detective has to save grocery store mascots

[29:22] from Nazis.

[29:23] We will.

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Guess I gotta check my fucking emails or something.

Elliott Kalan

[29:26] Yeah.

[29:26] Stu, you should have responded when I, it's, you, it's automatically checked opt in.

[29:31] That's the thing.

[29:31] You have to opt out of the Food Fight audio commentary promise.

[29:34] The movie that almost destroyed us 10 years ago.

[29:36] We'll do it.

[29:37] We'll watch that piece of trash again and record our in the moment responses to it to make

[29:42] more bonus content for you.

[29:43] It's just that important for us.

[29:44] So go to MaximumFun.org slash join to join right now.

[29:47] Make me regret ever having promised that food fight thing.

[29:50] Make us have to do it.

[29:51] Yes.

[29:51] There's other stuff too.

[29:53] That MaximumFun gives out at $10 a month.

[29:55] You'll get, you can get an original re-stickable Flophouse sticker of Tom Brokaw in Arrakis

[30:00] armor with the slogan, if it ain't Brokaw, do fix it at the bottom.

[30:05] So that's a short-

Stuart Wellington

[30:05] Oh, so you can mystify everyone in your life.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] Stick it on your laptop.

[30:10] Confuse the world.

[30:11] I know that's what I'm going to do.

[30:12] At $35 a month, you get the Maximum Yum apron, which doesn't sound exciting, but I have

[30:18] this apron.

[30:19] It's amazing.

[30:19] It's a nice apron.

[30:21] It's a nice guy.

[30:22] As an aficionado.

[30:23] Yeah.

[30:24] It's so, it's so durable.

[30:25] It's so comfortable.

[30:26] It looks great.

[30:26] Every time I wear it, my kids are excited that I'm wearing this apron.

[30:30] So it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a fantastic apron.

[30:32] But you don't need to know about all that stuff because you already went to MaximumFun.org

[30:36] slash join when you heard about that amazing bonus content.

[30:39] Didn't you?

[30:40] Didn't you?

[30:41] Didn't you?

[30:42] You better be going to MaximumFun.org slash join right now.

[30:45] Do not make me come over there like Stu was going to do to Dan and come through the computer

[30:48] and force you to do it in person.

[30:50] Go to MaximumFun.org slash join right now.

[30:52] Stu, I'm sorry.

[30:52] I'm too heated up.

[30:53] Can you take over?

[30:54] This is, I'm just too mad about this.

Stuart Wellington

[30:56] Yeah, yeah.

[30:56] Whoa.

[30:57] Whoa.

[30:58] Alex, add in a spooky time distortion sound effect here.

[31:03] Whoa.

[31:04] Oh no.

[31:05] Everybody, guys, we've just become unstuck in time.

[31:09] The Flophouse exists in all times everywhere, even times before The Flophouse normally existed.

[31:15] Because The Flophouse normally reviews recently released bad movies.

[31:20] What if The Flophouse existed at different times?

[31:23] What movies would they cover?

[31:25] What I need you guys to do is decide which of these three movies from these different years

[31:30] would make perfect time, perfect Flophouse movies.

[31:33] Oh no.

[31:34] This will be hard for me because as we know, my love of movies is old.

[31:37] Yep.

[31:37] Yeah.

[31:38] We've, we've, yeah, I addressed that at the beginning of the fucking episode.

[31:43] Whoa, no.

[31:44] We've landed in the year 1984.

[31:47] Our options are Cannonball Run 2, Conan the Destroyer, or Rhinestone.

[31:56] Which of those three do you think would make a good Flophouse movie?

[32:01] Look, I know that.

Elliott Kalan

[32:03] I love every, every answer Dan gives always starts with a sigh, an um, a sigh, and then

[32:07] look.

[32:08] He is dreading the disappointment.

[32:11] He's going to drop on you.

Dan McCoy

[32:12] I've realized that the problem with a lot of my thinking, my negative thinking is I start

[32:16] from a place of like, okay, let's eliminate the bad options rather than being like.

[32:21] Go to the positive.

[32:22] No, but I mean, I just like, look, Stuart, I know that you're a big fantasy head.

[32:27] Conan for me feels the least fertile there.

[32:31] I was very excited at first when I heard Cannonball Run 2, a movie that, uh, I remember being

[32:39] on television a lot when I was a kid, but I remember nothing about other than the bloopers.

[32:43] No, Dan, so do you remember if Jackie, do you remember if Jackie Chan is in it?

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] Because I know that's a hard thing for you to remember.

Dan McCoy

[32:47] Jackie Chan is in both Cannonball Run and Cannonball Run 2, I believe.

[32:50] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[32:51] So your Jackie Chan blindness does not apply to the Cannonball Run franchise.

[32:54] I don't, I don't remember Cannonball Run 2, but I just recently watched the first one and

[32:59] it's wild that he plays a, he plays a Japanese character and he didn't find out until like

[33:04] after they made the movie.

[33:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:06] That is unfortunate 80s racism at its, not finest because that would, uh, no, but I would, I

[33:16] would go with rhinestone, a movie that I recall seeing is baffling and has so many points

[33:22] of entry for us, uh, whether they be a love of Dolly Parton or Elliot's fascination with

[33:29] Mr. Stallone.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] I am fascinated with him.

[33:31] Yeah.

[33:32] Yeah.

[33:32] Uh-huh.

[33:33] I think there's, rhinestone is one of those movies that, I mean, I've never seen it, but

[33:36] it's one of those movies that it's such a go-to punchline that there are times when I'm

[33:42] like, is this, is it a real movie?

[33:45] Like, is it a real thing?

[33:47] And it must be, but it's like, it's the flip side of Out of Africa, which in our mini about

[33:51] best picture winners, I was like, is this a real movie?

[33:55] This movie?

[33:55] Like, or is it like, so it's a, yeah, I let it, I'm, I'm just curious about it.

[33:59] So we might have to do rhinestone at some points.

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:01] Especially because like.

[34:02] A door you don't want to go through.

Stuart Wellington

[34:04] Well, cause we did, we've, we've done one of the other punchline movies.

[34:07] We did a episode on Ishtar.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:10] And we're about to do a live show on April 2nd about Battlefield Earth.

[34:17] So yeah, I feel like this, the rhinestone is a natural one.

[34:20] Oh, wait a minute.

[34:21] Oh, we're not in 1984 anymore.

[34:23] We've just landed in 1979.

[34:26] Oh no.

[34:27] Which of these three movies would make a good Flophouse movie?

[34:29] So it's like a five year jump.

Elliott Kalan

[34:31] It wasn't as big a jump as I thought we were going to make.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] We have the nude bomb, Saturn three or Xanadu.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] Okay.

[34:40] So one year old Dan is in the theater watching all of them.

Stuart Wellington

[34:46] Oh, so we're going at the age we were at the time.

[34:48] Psychically projecting forward.

[34:50] I was still swimming in my dad's ball sack.

[34:52] Yeah.

[34:52] I had not been deceived yet.

[34:53] Hopefully he brought it to the movie theater.

[34:55] That's how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] So basically, so Stuart, so a one year old and Stuart and my dad's scrotums are going to

[35:00] the movies together.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] So here's what I meant.

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] This is not technically a movie character, but maybe Dan will draw that for you if you

[35:05] enter the Raffle by becoming a MaxFun member.

Dan McCoy

[35:08] Now, as Purvisoid number one, you'd think I would go for the nude bomb.

[35:13] However, I happen to know that that is a get smart movie.

[35:17] Yeah.

[35:18] It is not as salacious as it sounds.

[35:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] You looked it up and you're like, it doesn't say sexual situation.

Dan McCoy

[35:26] I didn't look it up now, but I won't say that I never looked up, ooh, what's this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[35:34] Ironically, Purvisoid, you'd probably want to go to Saturn 3 because I think doesn't Farrah

[35:39] Fawcett appear briefly topless in that?

Dan McCoy

[35:42] Wow.

[35:43] This is the first time you've out Mr. Skinned me on one of these issues.

[35:46] Oh, man.

[35:47] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[35:49] Yeah.

[35:49] Because that's a movie I've seen.

[35:50] Cracks in your armor.

[35:51] But I only saw Saturn 3 on Monster Vision on TNT.

[35:55] And so I don't know if that's actually the case because they would have cut out all that.

[35:59] But I've seen Saturn 3.

Dan McCoy

[36:00] I would not go with Saturn 3, though, because I feel like science fiction of that period that was not good science fiction is just slow science fiction.

[36:13] So I would go for Xanadu, a movie that I kind of like, actually, but would have a lot of fun things to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:22] Yeah, Xanadu would probably be the most fun to talk about.

[36:25] And, you know, and it's – I mean, any movie based on my favorite Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem is going to be exciting for me.

[36:33] Yeah, yeah.

[36:33] You got roller skating.

[36:35] You got animation.

[36:35] Technically, that poem I think is called KublaCon, but still.

[36:38] It is, yeah.

[36:38] Yeah.

S5

[36:43] She won't know Ross and Carrie 3 beef and dairy all day.

[36:46] Max Fun Drive.

[36:47] Hey, Chef, we got another one.

S4

[36:48] Another Max Fun Drive.

[36:49] People know it's the best time to support the shows they love.

[36:52] You tell them I'll meet up to his back.

S5

[36:54] Sure did.

[36:54] They wanted to know about the live streams, though.

S4

[36:57] Those are finishing up right now.

[36:59] We can even send one out on the first night, March 20th.

S5

[37:01] March 20th, Chef.

[37:02] I'll give them a heads up.

[37:04] They also wanted the limited time thank you gifts for new and upgrading members.

S4

[37:07] Yep, and we got some fresh episodes ready to go, too.

S5

[37:10] Hot stuff coming through.

[37:10] All right.

[37:11] We got exciting live streams, meetup day, fresh episodes, limited time gifts.

[37:15] Oh, and Boco.

S4

[37:16] Yeah, okay.

[37:18] Let them know that Max Fun Drive 2023 will be ready on March 20th, and it'll only be two weeks.

S5

[37:26] Two weeks, Chef.

[37:27] Max Fun Drive starts on March 20th for just two weeks.

[37:30] No problem.

[37:31] Order up.

[37:31] Shoot, I forgot their water.

S7

[37:33] And now, a live reading from Rachel's Poetry Corner.

S6

[37:39] Elephant's Theremin's Clifton.

[37:41] Neopet's Porstrip's Jepsen.

[37:43] Pine Smell Jellybean's Goalie Goals.

[37:46] Skittles, Squirrels, and the Mole.

[37:48] Celery Chopstick's Pumpernickel.

[37:50] A Case of You by Joni Mitchell.

[37:53] Lullaby's Tie-Dye, The More You Know.

[37:55] All of these things on our wonderful show.

S7

[37:58] All of these things and more wait for you on Wonderful every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[38:09] Whoa, wait a minute.

[38:11] Whoa, we're springing forward.

[38:13] We have landed in the year 1992.

[38:17] Whoa.

[38:18] The year 1 BJP before Jurassic Park.

[38:22] Does the Flophouse review Stop or My Mom Will Shoot?

[38:28] Hmm.

[38:29] Christopher Columbus colon The Discovery or Final Analysis starring Richard Gere?

Dan McCoy

[38:37] Allie, why don't you take this one because I jumped in fast on the first two.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] I mean, we've established.

[38:41] I want to watch the movies that Sylvester Stallone made for some reason.

[38:45] Where it's not quite clear why he made it.

[38:47] So I'd have to do Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.

[38:48] Another movie where even as a kid I was like, what is this movie?

[38:52] Like, what is going on?

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] Isn't the story around that one that like Arnold tricked Stallone into doing it?

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] Is that the one?

[39:00] Because I knew there was some movie where Arnold made it seem like he was going to do a movie so that Stallone would steal it out from under him.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] I mean, that's the one that the story's about.

[39:08] I don't know whether it's apocryphal or not, but that's the one.

Elliott Kalan

[39:10] I mean, Schwarzenegger kind of half went on the record as Sanky did that.

Stuart Wellington

[39:15] Yeah, he did that on Emily Ratajkowski's podcast.

[39:18] He talked about it on Emily Ratajkowski's podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] But on the other hand, I just read a whole book recently about the Marx Brothers' early years where they made it clear that almost every story the Marx Brothers told about their early years, even in their memoirs, was totally either misremembered or made up.

[39:31] So it's always possible that it didn't happen.

[39:33] No, they're such good stories.

[39:35] They are great stories, Dan.

[39:36] I mean, the thing is a lot of the true stories are just as good, but I don't know why they told mixed up stories.

[39:43] So Columbus, I feel like, is going to be pretty boring probably, right?

[39:48] Probably.

[39:49] Yeah.

[39:50] And what was the third option?

[39:51] The final analysis?

[39:52] So is that a real movie or did you make that up using like magnetic poetry kit or something?

Stuart Wellington

[39:56] I did not make it up.

[39:57] It's an erotic thriller starring Richard Gere.

[40:01] And who else is in that one?

[40:03] Let's hit the old internet movie database.

[40:06] Is it Kim Basinger in that one?

[40:08] I think you're right.

[40:09] It is Kim Basinger.

[40:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:11] Oh, and Keith Davis in it.

[40:13] I think I'd go with that one because, you know, a bad 90s thriller, even when they're bad, I kind of get a kick out of them.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] I feel like, yeah, 90s thrillers, especially 90s erotic thrillers usually have some – there's something good in there usually.

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] Oh, this is the same director who made Heaven's Prisoners.

[40:34] Oh.

[40:37] And also the American version of the 7-Up films.

[40:41] So this is an interesting career that this director, Phil Jono, has had.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] I didn't know there was an American version of the 7-Up film.

[40:48] Apparently there is.

Stuart Wellington

[40:49] So wait, the 7-Up films, those are the ones where they like – it's a documentary or something about people seven years.

Dan McCoy

[40:57] Yeah, they follow – they start out as seven-year-olds and then every seven years.

Elliott Kalan

[41:02] Yeah, and they follow them every seven years.

[41:03] And the series has outlived Michael Apted, the director of the series at this point.

[41:09] But yeah, I guess they only did two installments.

[41:13] Oh, okay.

[41:14] And for the American one.

[41:15] Okay.

[41:16] So I guess you never know what happens to those random kids after the age of a year.

Dan McCoy

[41:19] Game canceled due to lack of interest at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[41:23] Oh, no.

[41:24] We're – oh, no.

[41:25] The time for next continues.

[41:26] And we are landing in the future.

[41:29] The year is 2024 and we're watching big movies that were released in 2023.

[41:35] Oh.

[41:36] Is the Flophouse going to cover Tetris?

[41:39] Uh-huh.

[41:40] Transformers colon Rise of Beasts?

[41:43] Uh-huh.

[41:44] Or Meg 2?

Elliott Kalan

[41:47] They're not doing – are they doing another Transformers with Rise in the title?

[41:51] Yeah.

[41:51] Is that real or did you make it up?

[41:52] Because I know Tetris is real.

[41:54] No, these are all real.

[41:55] These are totally real.

[41:56] Well, Tetris –

[41:57] It's the story of – is it the story of the making of Tetris?

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Yes.

[42:01] And getting it out of Russia, I guess, where it was conceived.

[42:05] I mean like that seems actually vaguely interesting to me.

[42:08] I mean I could see a number of ways in which it's not done as well as it could be.

[42:13] But it seems like it could be interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[42:15] Like if the blocks are all woke or something.

[42:19] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] I mean like the tone of it –

[42:22] I like when Stuart says something and then puts his hand over his mouth and wheels back away from the microphone.

[42:27] Oopsie.

[42:28] Another favorite – that's right up there with referencing Kane by Gene Toomer in my favorite Stuart moves.

Dan McCoy

[42:33] Again, Stuart is playing an ironic heel of an internet complainer.

[42:42] You're like Tar.

[42:43] No, no, no.

[42:44] More that –

[42:45] More that –

[42:47] My fear would be more –

[42:50] This is this new character of Stutar Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[42:53] Stutar?

[42:55] Stutar is very –

[42:57] It's kind of a sociopath.

[42:59] But don't worry.

[43:00] The world is going to come crashing down around them.

[43:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:02] It looks like kind of a semi-ironic docudrama.

[43:08] And like I've liked stuff like in that vein before.

[43:11] Like say The Informant where it's kind of got this kind of loopy comedy to go along with this zany true life story.

[43:20] But I feel like if they get the tone wrong, it can be insufferable.

[43:24] And that's a hard tone to get.

Stuart Wellington

[43:26] But it's not –

[43:27] It doesn't strike me as a block at Flophouse movie.

[43:28] So Tetris is off the table.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:29] So we're talking –

[43:30] So it leaves us with two sequels.

[43:34] Yeah.

[43:34] Transformers, Rise of Beasts, and Meg 2.

[43:37] Now the interesting thing about Meg 2, it's directed by Ben Wheatley.

[43:41] The actor?

[43:43] No.

[43:44] Ben Wheatley, the director of A Field in England.

[43:47] A Field in England.

[43:47] A High Rise.

[43:49] Kill List.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] Oh, okay.

[43:51] So this could be either a very weird Meg movie or it could be just one of many, many examples of a director who comes up on smaller, interesting movies and then gets –

[44:03] Being absorbed by –

[44:04] Absorbed into a big movie machine.

Stuart Wellington

[44:06] But he's made so many weird movies that I feel like it'd be impossible to like iron out all the weird –

[44:12] Now, he's a director who, with the exception of Kill List, I think all of his movies –

[44:17] I like the idea more than the actual movie.

[44:21] Like there's always –

[44:22] Like I feel like –

[44:24] Like certainly A Field in England, I'm like, I can't do this anymore.

[44:28] It's too much.

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] Oh, see, A Field in England is right up my alley.

[44:31] That's where I am in my life right now.

[44:32] I was like, this is exactly what I want out of this.

[44:35] But I could see –

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] And like Free Fire, I'm like – Free Fire, I'm like, okay, after 60 minutes, I'm like, okay, we can tap out.

[44:41] This is enough.

[44:42] I think I'd get it.

Dan McCoy

[44:43] I tapped out like within five minutes on Free Fire.

[44:45] I did not – I just did not seem like I was going to enjoy it.

[44:48] I didn't like Kill List as much as everyone, but I was like, this is interesting.

[44:52] I'm very curious about A Field in England.

[44:55] I haven't seen that one.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] I mean, I haven't seen Free Fire.

[44:57] I mean, of the movies I've seen, A Field in England is the one I like the most.

[45:00] But I could see why Stuart would like Kill List more than A Field in England.

[45:05] So I think – but then the other one is – and Transformers, is that still –

[45:09] Yeah, who's doing this one?

Dan McCoy

[45:14] Is Mikey Bay returning or is it –

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] He might be, but I think he also has like a Netflix fucking deal on the way.

[45:20] Like another Netflix like – didn't he do like Army of the Dead or whatever?

[45:24] I think he made –

Elliott Kalan

[45:25] Yeah, Transformers Rise of the Beast is directed by Stephen Cappell Jr., who did – let's see – who did Creed 2.

[45:33] Oh.

[45:34] And –

[45:37] Well, let's look at top build cast.

Stuart Wellington

[45:39] Some other things that I was familiar with.

[45:40] Top build cast, we have Academy Award winner Michelle Yeoh.

[45:45] Uh-huh.

[45:46] Okay.

[45:46] All-time star, a goat.

[45:47] Okay.

[45:48] We got Ron Perlman playing Optimus Primal.

[45:51] Okay.

[45:53] Peter Dinklage plays Scourge.

[45:56] The leader of the Terrorcons.

[45:58] And –

Elliott Kalan

[45:58] Pete Davidson as Mirage.

[46:00] Pete Davidson playing Mirage.

[46:02] So does that change your opinion?

[46:04] John DiMaggio is doing the voice for a couple different robots.

Dan McCoy

[46:07] I mean, honestly, that cast plus having a new director – I mean, I didn't see Creed 2.

[46:14] People tend to like it the least out of the three Creeds from what I can tell.

[46:18] Yeah, because it's the least good.

[46:22] Like both of these movies I'm like – I have no interest in, but what I'm learning about them actually slightly increased one of my interests.

[46:30] I would say the Meg just because I have much more Transformers fatigue than I have Meg fatigue.

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] You know what?

[46:36] I'll kind of say the opposite because I have very fond memories of the Beast Wars cartoon that came out years ago.

[46:44] Uh-huh.

[46:44] Where I had to get up early – I was probably too old to watch anyway.

[46:46] I think I was in high school.

[46:47] And I had to get up early to watch it because in my market it aired at like 6.30 in the morning.

[46:52] But I would often get up and watch it before school, and I thought it was a pretty good Transformers cartoon.

[46:57] The only thing – the problem being, of course, that they're all animals, so it's kind of goofy.

[47:01] Yeah.

[47:01] That they're all different animals that transform.

[47:03] But maybe –

Stuart Wellington

[47:04] Yeah, it would make way more sense if they were transforming into cars, trucks, a gun that is the right size for another robot to hold on to.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] At least those are mechanical things.

[47:14] A boombox.

[47:15] None of it really makes sense.

[47:16] But as long as I could go on a ride where I am somehow protecting the AllSpark by just riding around, slamming into things, and at the end I become an honorary Transformer or something, then I'm okay.

[47:28] And I managed to live that dream earlier this year.

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] So, L.A. has also been to Universal Studios.

[47:31] What a flex over here.

[47:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:34] So, I bet we'll probably cover both of those movies.

[47:37] What do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[47:38] Yeah, that's the bet I would place.

[47:40] Yeah.

[47:41] Okay, guys.

[47:42] So, now we're back in the real world, the real time, 2023.

Elliott Kalan

[47:47] Well, what a relief.

[47:48] And what everybody wants to know is –

[47:49] How do we warn people about the horrible dystopian future of next year when the only movies available are Meg 2, that Transformers movie, and – what was the other one?

[47:57] And Tetris.

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] So, we've talked about some slop.

[48:00] Let's talk about some fancy boy movies.

[48:03] Let's talk about the Criterion Collection.

[48:05] Why not?

[48:05] What movie do you think – what movie would you like to see added to the Criterion Collection?

[48:10] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] Well, um –

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] I'll jump first while you guys think of it.

[48:16] Okay.

[48:17] Obviously, I'm going to say Ricky O, The Story of Ricky.

[48:20] It's a perfect movie.

[48:22] It would look great.

[48:23] I would like a nice restoration.

[48:25] Although, I don't know.

[48:26] I feel like the, like, bootleg version I first had that had even funnier subtitles would be the best version.

[48:32] But I don't think they would probably do that.

[48:34] They would probably get a new subtitling.

[48:37] Yeah.

[48:37] But, yeah, Ricky O, The Story of Ricky.

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] Often, Criterion is working with whatever the – whatever print or dubbing the studio has provided for them.

[48:47] So, with Ricky O, maybe if the studio says you got to use this old bootleg subtitling, then that might be what they end up with.

[48:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] But, yeah, I would love a nice little package there.

[48:59] And, obviously, if somebody's familiar with another company that has put out a very nice Blu-ray of Ricky O, let me know so I can buy it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:07] I wonder – I mean, I have a – everyone knows I have a couple favorite movies.

[49:11] Take Impelem 1, 2, 3, Shadow of a Doubt, Miralek of Morgan's Creek.

[49:14] But those movies are all readily available, and there are good DVDs of them.

[49:18] And I wonder – the first movie that comes to mind, I'm not sure if it's the one that would come to mind if I had a lot more time to think about it.

[49:24] But the first movie that comes to mind might be Martin, the George Romero vampire movie, which I believe is out of print.

[49:30] I'm not sure.

[49:31] And I only ever saw it because I bought a used VHS of it years ago, and the VHS was very old, and the image was pretty blurry.

[49:38] And the – I would love to see a good-looking version of that movie.

[49:43] That movie has a scene in it that has always stuck with me.

[49:46] The main character thinks he's a vampire.

[49:47] He goes to a woman's house to feed on her, and she's having an affair, and the guy she's with is like, I'm getting out of here, and I'm not going to tell anybody about what's happening because I don't – we needed people to know I'm having an affair.

[49:58] And it was one of the – I just thought like that's a scenario I've never seen before of what happens when you're having an affair and a vampire shows up.

[50:08] But it's a kind of lesser-seen George Romero movie that I think is really good.

Dan McCoy

[50:14] You know, I have to just go back to – I have to go back to one of my foundational obsessions and say that if they had like a really good set, if they somehow managed to swing all of the rights for a Marx Brothers set and then, you know, did a bunch of – you know, like gave it the real treatment of giving background on all of the movies.

[50:38] Because there are great Marx Brothers sets out there.

[50:41] There's one from each of the major studios they were associated with.

[50:46] But that would be pretty cool.

[50:47] And I also looked up – you know, there's a lot of Hitchcock films in Criterion, but they don't have, I think, from what I saw, North by Northwest, which was I think the first one I saw and the one that really kicked off just loving his suspense films.

Stuart Wellington

[51:04] Now, on the subject of physical media, are there any like DVD or Blu-ray special features that you like the most?

[51:16] Are there specific ones?

[51:17] I mean, obviously, you look at me and you're like, I know what he loves.

[51:21] He loves all the featurettes in the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

[51:26] And I've watched the shit out of that.

[51:28] I'm crazy for it.

[51:28] Animated menus screens.

Dan McCoy

[51:31] Animated menus.

[51:32] Can they be interactive menus?

[51:34] I would love that.

[51:34] Yeah.

[51:35] Can there be trailers for other movies that are coming out for this?

[51:38] Is there some sort of game maybe you can play with your remote, like a trivia game?

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] What I always love is when there's trailers and also a very elaborate animated intro to the main menu screen.

[51:48] Oh, yeah.

[51:49] I can never skip past, even though I've seen it many times and don't need to watch it again.

Dan McCoy

[51:53] But you have to understand the value of DVD as a format, as an entire format, and all the offerings that this studio has.

[52:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] You got to know.

[52:03] You got to know all that stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] I do.

[52:05] I am a huge sucker for watching an older DVD or a VHS and getting to watch trailers for movies.

[52:13] I'm like, fuck, that movie came out?

[52:16] Movies I'd completely forgotten about.

[52:18] It's such a weird, like, where you bury shit and then you dig it up in 20 years.

[52:26] What's that called?

[52:27] A time capsule.

Dan McCoy

[52:28] Yeah, a time capsule.

[52:29] Repression.

[52:30] Or repression, yeah.

[52:32] Yeah, yeah.

[52:33] Repression capsule.

[52:33] Back when I thought I was going to, you know, like, when I was growing up, I wanted to be a movie director.

[52:41] And, like, really.

[52:42] How did it feel, letting go of that dream?

[52:45] Fine.

[52:46] I mean, I went to film school and I was like, oh, this has so many elements in it that I like and so many of them that aren't for me.

[52:53] So, let me go to New York and just focus on one of those elements that I liked rather than, you know, having to be the guy in charge.

[53:01] But anyway, but, you know, when I was into that, like, I would listen to commentaries and I would love listening to commentaries.

[53:09] And now these days the idea of listening to a full audio commentary on a movie baffles me.

[53:15] Other than ours.

[53:16] Other than ours, which you should join Maximum Fun to Hear.

[53:21] It's a different thing what we're going to be doing.

[53:25] Yeah, it's super different.

Stuart Wellington

[53:26] Yeah, it's very different.

[53:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[53:29] But back in the day, like, I would listen to, I don't know, like, P.T. Anderson talk about Boogie Nights for two and a half hours.

Stuart Wellington

[53:35] I'll listen to the whole commentary for Eraser.

[53:39] Let's see what Arnold Schwarzenegger has to say.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] Well, there's something that I didn't take as much advantage of as I wish I had.

[53:46] And this is something that you see on Twitter sometimes is especially movie production people or effects people talking about the behind-the-scenes featurettes on DVDs like Eraser.

[53:56] Where they're like, here's how we did this stunt.

[53:57] Or here's how we pulled off this shot.

[53:59] And how influential that was for, like, our generation of people now working in the film industry because that's how they learned about how that stuff got made.

[54:08] And I feel like the—

Stuart Wellington

[54:09] Yeah, like pre-internet era.

[54:11] Yes.

[54:12] Like, knowledge dispersal, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[54:14] If you were lucky, maybe the biggest movie in the world would do a TV special where they explained how they did their special effects.

[54:22] Or maybe if you had HBO, you'd get to watch, like, I saw that featurette they did about the making of the Hudsucker Proxy probably 70 times when I was a kid before I ever saw the Hudsucker Proxy.

[54:32] But, like, it was very hard to come by.

Stuart Wellington

[54:33] And what was that special effects magazine, like Cinefix?

[54:36] Cinefix, yeah.

[54:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:38] It was not easy to come by in that those DVD extras were a really good way of introducing people to the methods of film production that were available at the time.

[54:47] And so those are really—I wish I had dipped into those more, but that would be a cool thing to have for a lot of older stuff.

[54:54] You know, there's a lot of older films that use special effects in a way that is not immediately noticeable but are very much—like, the matte painting process, kind of different kinds of optical printing, use of model work and things like that.

[55:07] And it'd be really cool to have that for some older movies.

Dan McCoy

[55:10] And, like, medium-age movies, too.

[55:12] So, Elliot, I made you both laugh with my recent, quote-unquote, discovery of YouTube.

[55:19] But the other day, like, I wanted to tell Audrey something, and she's like, hold on, hold on.

[55:25] I got to go do something in the other room.

[55:26] I'll be right back.

[55:27] And I was, like, waiting for her to, like, talk.

[55:30] And I was like, okay, well, I'll just, you know, put on one of these YouTube videos.

[55:35] I've been hearing so much about.

[55:36] I've been hearing—one of the ones that I put on was about the way they use special effects in various old movies.

[55:44] Like, people—like, they cut down the cuteness to the smallest amount.

[55:49] It was actually okay because they had people guessing, like, how did this happen?

[55:53] Like, how do you think they did this?

[55:55] And then they would have an explanation of it, and it would be for stuff like Metropolis and—

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] Can you send me the link to that if you still have it?

Dan McCoy

[56:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[56:02] And I really—but I, like, started watching it, and then almost immediately, like, I'm like, shit, this is what I was going to do to waste time while Audrey was in the other room, but she's going to want to see it.

[56:12] But it's really fascinating, the old stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[56:15] Yeah, I mean, there's a—years ago, I watched—on YouTube, there's an old movie about the making of the old HBO logo intro thing where you fly over a city, and then the giant HBO logo comes out of the sky.

[56:28] And then, like, I was like, I was fascinated by how much work went into this.

[56:34] There's so much model work.

[56:35] There's so much hand-drawn animation work for, like, the laser effects.

[56:38] Yeah.

[56:38] And, like, it's just astounding.

Dan McCoy

[56:40] At the end, like, when you're inside the letters, like, you think it's all just, like, computer, but it's like, no, no, no, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[56:47] No, because they did it in, like, 1982 or something like that.

[56:49] Yeah.

[56:49] Like, it's all hand-drawn stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[56:52] Yeah, the closest thing to, like, a DVD extra that I've watched lately was after watching the new Guillermo del Toro Pinocchio, which was one of my favorites of the year.

[57:03] There's a really great little featurette on Netflix that you can watch that's just, like, watching the movie and then watching that, you're like, holy fucking shit.

[57:11] Yeah.

[57:11] Like, they did what?

[57:13] And then also, I'm lucky enough that I got to – I live in New York, and there's currently an exhibit at MoMA of those fucking little puppets.

[57:21] And it's amazing.

[57:22] It's such a – it's so worth it if you live in New York to go check out these.

[57:26] And I'm hoping – I wouldn't be surprised if it tours afterwards.

[57:30] But it's so amazing to see this shit up close and in person.

[57:34] And they even have one kind of diorama set up with a stop-motion camera moving so you can see how fucking slow this thing moves.

[57:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:44] It's great.

Dan McCoy

[57:45] I watched that thing, and I felt this combination of admiration for, like, the gorgeous work and, like, just, like, oh, man, like, what an accomplishment.

[57:55] And, like, this feeling of utter stress of, like, why would you put yourself through this?

[58:00] I love the movie, but why did you do this?

Stuart Wellington

[58:02] Yeah.

[58:03] I feel like that's the thing about stop-motion animation, right, is how, like, labor-intensive it is.

[58:08] Yeah.

[58:10] So, Dan, how'd that movie sit with you?

[58:13] Did you like it?

[58:13] Was it sad?

Dan McCoy

[58:14] Oh, it was one of my favorites of the year, actually.

[58:17] I walked into it being like, why do we need another Pinocchio?

[58:21] And came out of it being like, okay, fine, fine, you did it.

[58:25] You convinced me you need one more Pinocchio.

[58:28] Yeah.

[58:29] No more after this one.

[58:30] You got to –

Stuart Wellington

[58:32] Yeah.

[58:33] That's a lovely note for us to change topics.

[58:37] Guys, if you, our listeners, are wondering, what is the best meal you've had in your life?

[58:48] I don't think our listeners are wondering that.

Dan McCoy

[58:50] What?

[58:52] Are you – did you just start – now are you reading the, like, questions to make someone fall in love with you or whatever?

[58:58] Like, what is –

[58:59] Is it working?

[59:03] You tell me.

Stuart Wellington

[59:06] Okay.

[59:06] So, I guess you guys don't want to answer that one.

[59:08] That's fine.

[59:08] Too personal.

[59:09] Too personal.

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] As Tommy Wiseau once said at a panel discussion I attended when someone asked him what a Tommy Wiseau breakfast is, he said, too personal.

[59:16] Next question.

Stuart Wellington

[59:17] Okay.

[59:17] So, we got one more question, everybody.

[59:19] Okay.

[59:20] That is, the Flophouse started about 15 years ago.

[59:24] Sliding Doors is a movie that explores the concept if there was a key moment in your life and your life went different.

[59:32] What do you think you guys would be doing if you had not become podcasters doing the Flophouse?

[59:40] What would you be doing with yourself?

Dan McCoy

[59:41] I have thought about this before, like, just the sheer – like, the utter chance with which this podcast was started and the luck that it continued because, like, I know that we gripe about –

Stuart Wellington

[59:53] It started with Dan saying, hey, do you want to do a podcast?

[59:56] And I'm like, what's a podcast?

[59:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] And, you know, like, as much as we gripe about the time we spend on, say, the upcoming Transformers movie versus spending it with our families and as much as, you know, sometimes –

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:15] The only part of the podcast that ever grates on me is the time spent watching the movie.

[1:00:19] Everything else is a beautiful thing and a joy forever.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:23] Well, you know, I'm going to, you know, mention one more.

[1:00:26] The times we get a little grumpier with one another because we're not only friends but now business partners of many years.

[1:00:34] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:34] Well, that goes without saying.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:36] Yeah, sure.

[1:00:36] We hate each other now.

[1:00:37] We don't.

[1:00:39] Oh, no.

[1:00:40] But aside from those things, like, I can't imagine how much less rich my life would have been if this hadn't, like, honestly, miraculously happened because, like, you know, maybe I would, you know, still be working in television.

[1:00:58] But I'd be currently out of a TV writing job and I wouldn't – I would still be friends with Elliot and Stuart but probably not as close and probably would have drifted further away as Elliot went across the land to the other golden coast and –

[1:01:17] Other golden coast.

[1:01:20] The other coast, comma, which is golden.

[1:01:23] Oh, okay, okay.

[1:01:23] And, you know, I wouldn't have had the chance to have something that really felt like our own thing in a world where even in my dream day job when I am employed on TV, I'm not writing the thing that I want to do.

[1:01:42] I am hammering my thoughts into the form of someone else's head.

[1:01:49] And me write words good.

[1:01:53] Me give job writing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:57] I can't believe you're turning this into a resume like I do when I try and become a Warhammer pitch man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:02] And I guess I'm – I guess my flaw is I'm too hard on myself.

[1:02:06] I'm too much of a perfectionist.

[1:02:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:08] I take my job too seriously.

[1:02:10] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:11] I don't think I said anything of a sort.

[1:02:12] Some people say I'm too good at work.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:15] My big-ass dick gets in the way of my legs sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:17] I don't think that's what I was saying.

[1:02:19] I was saying that, like, even when you're at your best in one of those jobs, you're not getting to, like, be sort of the person who controls things.

[1:02:28] And, you know, you can't be someone who wants to write words down and share them without being a little bit of a control freak about that sort of thing and want to have your own expression.

[1:02:41] So that's nice in addition to all the people I've met through this, people who have been guests on the show, people who are just – people that we met out on the road, listeners who were so kind to us.

[1:02:54] And I probably wouldn't be – Jesus, I wouldn't have my wife, like, who I met at a MaxFun karaoke event.

[1:03:02] You know, like, I –

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:04] Now that's a fan.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:08] She said that she listened to the show beforehand and was, like, specifically about me.

[1:03:15] She said, eh, not for me.

[1:03:18] This guy seems grumpy and not for me.

[1:03:23] Too sad, she thought.

[1:03:25] But I weaseled my way into her heart, apparently.

[1:03:30] And, yeah, I'm not her favorite podcaster.

[1:03:33] I was going to mention before when we were talking about people to have on the show, I was like – I was thinking, like, should I say John Dickerson?

[1:03:39] I'm sort of jealous that they had him on Jordan, Jesse Goh, and that's Audrey's favorite podcaster.

[1:03:47] It goes John Dickerson, Hallie, Elliot, and then I'm somewhere down below.

[1:03:53] But anyway, sorry.

[1:03:55] That was really rambly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] No, but Dan, there was a lot of beautiful sentiment in that I'm sure that the listeners will be able to dig it out like chunks of meat in a big old stew.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:04] I'm sure Alex will be able to chop it into something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] And speaking of big old stews, Stu, this question leads so well into my final pledge break that I want to give you a chance to answer before I pick up.

[1:04:14] So what would you be doing if you weren't doing the podcast now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:16] Obviously, long-time listeners of the podcast would assume that if I wasn't doing this podcast, I would be doing some other kind of grind set influencer style podcast where I'm encouraging people to really embrace their, like, alpha personality.

[1:04:31] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[1:04:31] But I don't know.

[1:04:32] I feel like one of the key things about this –

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:35] So this podcast really saved you from being a terrible person?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:38] Exactly, yeah.

[1:04:40] Oh, man.

[1:04:40] I would have so much flair.

[1:04:44] I feel like one of the things the show gave me is unlike you guys, I didn't have a creative day job.

[1:04:53] So it really gave me a creative outlet, which has been really exciting.

[1:04:58] And it – I mean, more than anything, it exposed me to a whole wide world of people and kind of allowed me to become a better person, which is really great.

[1:05:10] And that's been awesome.

[1:05:12] Don't listen to the old episodes of the show.

[1:05:14] You know, whatever.

[1:05:16] But, yeah, so the show has been really cool, and I don't know what I'd be doing.

[1:05:19] I mean, I feel like I'd probably be – I would certainly be less happy and well-rounded and adjusted.

[1:05:28] Yeah.

[1:05:28] So, yeah, I need – I'm really glad this show came into my life, and that – especially because, yeah, like, I probably – I mean, I'm one of those – I'm a middle-aged guy, and a lot of my relationships are built around shared interests and hobbies.

[1:05:44] And this show is – you know, it's obviously more than that, but it's – like, I feel like it would be hard to maintain relationships with both Dan and Elliot if I didn't have this regular thing that I'm doing.

[1:05:55] And I'm really thankful for that.

[1:05:57] If you were forced to put up with my shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:59] No, but as you get older, it's harder to maintain friendships, especially with people who don't live super close to you or you don't have a reason to see regularly at work or something like that.

[1:06:08] So, yeah, it's – I totally understand that that's a – not necessarily a dig on us and how unfriendable we are.

[1:06:15] No, it has nothing to do with that.

[1:06:16] No, but that – no, I mean, that's true, but it's not what you're saying at the time.

[1:06:20] Yeah, that's not what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:21] I'd say that in private or to my therapist.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] But I also – similarly, everything you guys said goes for me in terms of how wonderful this has been as a way to maintain our friendship, especially Stu and you and me to grow our friendship because we didn't really know each other particularly well when we first started recording together.

[1:06:40] Meeting listeners, meeting people on the road, like Dan said, really reaching out.

[1:06:45] The most exciting thing to me about any creative endeavor, and I feel like podcasting is that times a thousand, is being able to reach out and connect to people who otherwise you never would have met.

[1:06:54] You wouldn't have known they existed.

[1:06:55] They wouldn't have known you existed.

[1:06:56] Someone on another part of the country, another part of the world, another city who listens to you and hopefully responds emotionally and enjoys it and hopefully also responds in kind in terms of – not in the form of a podcast, but responds with a message or a note or an email or a tweet, something that is a way of saying, like, I heard you and I want you to hear me too, and now we know each other exists.

[1:07:21] And that's really wonderful.

[1:07:23] We've created another connection between human beings that wasn't there before, and that's very special to me.

[1:07:28] And like Dan was saying, having something that is us, that can be us, that we don't have to run anything by, you know, we don't have to hammer, like Dan was saying, our thoughts into a new shape to fit someone else's voice is really exciting and really wonderful.

[1:07:42] And so before we leave, I just want to say, I know I got a little mad at the end of the last Bledrake, and I shouldn't have.

[1:07:49] I apologize.

[1:07:49] That was on me.

[1:07:50] The thing is, most of all, I'm really –

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:52] Have you cooled off a little or are you cool?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:54] No, I've cooled off quite a bit, yeah.

[1:07:55] Okay, cool.

[1:07:56] I had a cold soda pop, which has caused me to burp a little bit throughout the second half of the show, which is not great, but it did help cool down my internal temperature and my emotional temperature.

[1:08:04] Yeah.

[1:08:05] Yeah.

[1:08:05] That's what it does.

[1:08:07] Yeah.

[1:08:07] That's what it does.

[1:08:08] It's an off gas.

[1:08:09] Yeah.

[1:08:10] Each burp is me releasing tension in a way that lowers my emotional thermometer slightly.

[1:08:15] The thing is, I'm very, very thankful for you, the listener.

[1:08:19] I'm thankful for Dan.

[1:08:20] I'm thankful for Stuart for many reasons, partly for starting this podcast and partly for asking me to be a part of this podcast.

[1:08:25] But I'm really thankful to you, the listener, for listening to this show.

[1:08:29] I'm thankful that you write into us, that you reach out to us over social media, that you tell people about the show, that you force your family members sometimes to listen to it on long drives, and hopefully they like it, and sometimes they don't.

[1:08:41] I'm especially thankful that so many of you are already supporting us each month, and I hope even more of you join them.

[1:08:47] I'm going to be almost brutally honest right now.

[1:08:50] I'm going to say things that I said before in a joking way, but I'm going to say them kind of in an honest, serious way now.

[1:08:55] This is not an easy time to be in the entertainment business.

[1:08:57] It feels like there's kind of three corporations that own all of TV and the movies, and they don't want to pay anybody any money because they are all tottering on the edge of extinction.

[1:09:05] It is a very chilling time to be a professional writer in many ways, from AI bots that are going to start taking our jobs probably to companies that are afraid of trying new things and just kind of reinvest in the same old IP, to the fact that it's always been a hard job.

[1:09:23] And it never gets easier.

[1:09:26] So it makes me so excited that I have the Flophouse, that Dan and Sue and I have this outlet that we can be creative with, that we have total control over.

[1:09:33] Like I said, we don't have to ask anyone's permission.

[1:09:35] We don't have to ask MaxFun's permission to do anything.

[1:09:36] They're a great network in part because they are completely hands-off and can't tell us what to do.

[1:09:42] We can do whatever we want with it and that we can connect to you the way I was talking about before without anyone getting in the way.

[1:09:48] There's nobody between us and you.

[1:09:50] Nobody.

[1:09:50] Me saying this right now is going straight from my brain to my mouth to your ears to your brain with nothing in between.

[1:09:57] And thankful that all that becomes something that we can pay our bills with, that we can support ourselves with to a certain extent.

[1:10:04] And that means so much to me.

[1:10:06] It's something I'm extremely thankful for.

[1:10:07] And it's possible entirely because of the Maximum Fund Network and your financial support of us and that network.

[1:10:13] So by going to MaximumFund.org slash join, pledging us to list $5 a month, that's $1.25 per episode, which is the price of a Marvel comic book in 1993.

[1:10:23] So that is a good deal for an episode of a podcast.

[1:10:26] Just in case you're wondering how that factors into Marvel comic books in 1993 pricing structure, $1.25 is base minimum standard.

[1:10:34] By paying that much.

[1:10:36] Yes, Dan, were you going to make a comment about my pricing system?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:38] Well, what about if you have like a special cover, like one of those hologram covers or foil?

[1:10:44] That's going to cost you more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] That could get up to as much as $2.95 for an issue.

[1:10:49] And if you're buying one of the books like She-Hulk or Wolverine that doesn't have big newsstand distribution, that's $1.75 per issue.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:55] And if they have like variant covers, think of how much you're spending at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:59] Yeah, because you're buying – you've got to buy all those covers because how can you not?

[1:11:02] That's another picture that you didn't own and that you need to own it now.

[1:11:05] So just for that little amount, you are supporting artists whose work you enjoy in a very direct, very tangible way that is oftentimes very necessary.

[1:11:12] It's certainly necessary for us.

[1:11:13] And I hope that you feel like the Flophouse is a special and necessary part of your life.

[1:11:17] By going to MaximumFun.org slash join and pledging to support us, you are directly contributing to every new episode that appears in your feed.

[1:11:24] And by going to MaximumFun.org slash join, you get access to even more episodes because of all that bonus content I mentioned earlier in the show.

[1:11:31] Most importantly, as I'm saying, by going to MaximumFun.org slash join, you are making it possible for anyone to hear this silly nonsense.

[1:11:39] And we get emails all the time.

[1:11:40] This is the part where I'm going to tug the heartstrings.

[1:11:41] We get emails all the time.

[1:11:44] Pretend you didn't hear that.

[1:11:44] I was just telling Dan and Stuart that.

[1:11:46] Oh, okay.

[1:11:46] We get emails all the time from listeners who say, I was having a really hard time and listening to your podcast helped me smile when I really needed it.

[1:11:53] And that is the thing that means the most to me.

[1:11:56] It is a very humbling thing.

[1:11:57] And I find it a little frightening because it's a lot of power to have over another person's emotion when we're just three stupid idiots that are saying dumb stuff.

[1:12:05] But people write in and they say, thank you for just giving me something that made a hard time easier.

[1:12:10] And I totally understand that because the fact is I've had some pretty hard times recently too.

[1:12:14] I've talked about them a little bit on the show and I've kind of hinted at them.

[1:12:17] There's nothing exciting to tell.

[1:12:18] There's no exciting story.

[1:12:19] Just rough emotional times.

[1:12:21] And doing this podcast with my best friends has really helped me smile when I needed it in my life.

[1:12:26] And us doing that is really only possible because of every one of the Maximum Fund members who supports us.

[1:12:33] Because of everyone who listens to us.

[1:12:34] But doubly so, those who support us.

[1:12:36] So I want to say thank you very much again.

[1:12:38] Even if you feel like you can't pledge this time, thank you for listening.

[1:12:41] Please consider it in the future.

[1:12:42] But please do it this time if you can.

[1:12:44] Thank you very sincerely from my heart to yours for keeping us going, for keeping all of us going for kind of more ways than one.

[1:12:52] Again, thank you to everyone who isn't a supporter yet.

[1:12:55] But we'd especially thank you if you go to MaximumFund.org slash join right now to become a supporter member.

[1:13:01] I owe so much to you guys.

[1:13:02] I hope this dumb show goes a little way towards repaying that debt.

[1:13:06] And I know it's super cringy for me to keep making calls to action and telling you the URL rather than ending on my actual feelings,

[1:13:13] which are just this intense gratitude for your ears and your dollar support.

[1:13:20] But please go to MaximumFund.org slash join.

[1:13:22] Become a Maximum Fund member or upgrade your monthly pledge.

[1:13:24] You'll never regret that you did it.

[1:13:26] You'll never regret going there.

[1:13:28] I'll never stop being grateful for it.

[1:13:29] So I want to say thank you very much for doing so.

[1:13:32] Please do so right now.

[1:13:33] MaximumFund.org slash join.

[1:13:34] Thank you.

[1:13:39] Each of those thank yous got more sincere as I went on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:41] And thank you, Dan and Elliot, for joining me on this episode of the Peach Pit Requiem Rise of the Peach Pit.

[1:13:48] Oh, yeah.

[1:13:48] I forgot about that part.

[1:13:49] I also forgot about the subtitle.

[1:13:51] This has been a production of the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:13:55] It's also a fan podcast of the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:13:58] Thank you for tuning in.

[1:14:00] Check out other shows on MaximumFun.org.

[1:14:02] Thanks so much.

[1:14:03] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:14:04] Bye.

[1:14:05] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:13] MaximumFun.org.

S4

[1:14:15] Comedy and culture.

[1:14:16] Artist owned.

[1:14:17] Audience supported.

FH Mini 76 - The Peach Pit, MFD Edition

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