Episode #171 - No Good Deed

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Just in time for Valentine's Day, we talk about the home invasion romantic comedy, No Good Deed.

[0:08] That's gotta be a mistake.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] All three together.

[0:47] We did it.

Dan McCoy

[0:47] We successfully remembered all of our own names.

[0:49] We did it. It was tough.

[0:51] But we made it through.

[0:52] People said we couldn't.

[0:53] They said we shouldn't.

[0:55] But we did.

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] For those of you turning...

[0:57] I got this.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] For those of you tuning in for the first time...

[1:01] For those of you turning into a werewolf...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] This is an old-timey radio play where you get to be the hero.

[1:07] Hold on.

[1:08] Okay, so you approach the old mansion expecting to receive your inheritance.

[1:13] Hold on.

[1:14] In the upstairs window, you see the silhouette of the Dowager Countess.

Dan McCoy

[1:18] It's a combination of old-time radio and Zork.

[1:21] Yeah, it's old-time Zork.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] In my day, we didn't even have text adventures.

[1:25] We had to hear it being said to you.

[1:27] Do you A.

[1:27] Then we shouted at the radio.

[1:29] Then we yelled at the radio.

Dan McCoy

[1:31] Use key, we would say.

[1:33] And the radio would not do anything.

[1:36] And we were like, put key in lock.

[1:39] And the radio still wouldn't do anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] We had to write, try key on lock on a piece of paper and mail it to the radio station.

[1:45] They would tally the votes, and then next week we'd find out what we did.

[1:50] Most of the show was an ad for fudge.

[1:54] Bakersfield fudge, sponsor of Radio Zork.

[1:58] Wait, you have to bake fudge?

[2:00] It's Bakersfield fudge.

[2:02] It's from Bakersfield, California.

[2:03] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] Boy, do I wish that this podcast was more of this rather than what we're actually going to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] Could be.

[2:09] We make the rules.

[2:10] We control the horizontal, the vertical, everything.

Stuart Wellington

[2:12] Okay, so since you guys missed the possible options, you can just email me and I'll give you all your possible actions later.

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] In Radio Zork, brought to you by Bakersfield fudge.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] Yep.

[2:23] The Bakersfield-est.

[2:25] It's also the fudgiest.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] We both went different directions, but the same direction at the same time.

[2:32] Most people go both ways.

[2:34] ACDC, they're called.

[2:35] Anyway.

[2:37] So, this is the Flophouse, where we watch a bad movie.

[2:41] It's a movie podcast, right?

[2:43] Well, I wouldn't call it a movie podcast so much as a comedy podcast about movies.

[2:47] Well, we call it the Flophouse.

[2:48] So, it's like some sort of comedy bang bang type thing?

[2:50] It's one of those comedy bing bongs and...

[2:53] Comedy bing bong, which is like the bootleg Chinatown version of comedy bang bang?

[2:58] Not even my joke.

[2:59] Scott Aukerman does that on his own shows.

[3:01] I don't listen to that show.

[3:03] It's a good show.

[3:04] Am I on that show?

[3:05] If not, then I don't want to listen to it.

[3:07] It's not even on our network.

[3:08] We shouldn't promote it.

[3:09] What network is that?

[3:10] Univision?

[3:12] Earwolf.

[3:13] I once had an awkward conversation with Scott Aukerman, though.

[3:16] He puts the auk in awkward.

[3:19] But he was very nice.

[3:20] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] So, is that the movie we watched?

[3:21] A film of your conversation with Scott Aukerman?

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:24] Yep.

[3:24] It's an anecdote.

Stuart Wellington

[3:25] It's like an anecdote, but with Aukerman.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] An anecdote made of onyx.

[3:32] No, this is...

[3:33] I tried to say earlier.

[3:34] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:36] But it's a podcast about movies.

[3:39] No.

[3:39] A podcast about talking.

[3:41] Yes.

[3:42] And the movie we watched tonight was called No Good Deed.

[3:46] It should have been called No Good Movie.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Oh, I'm bad.

[3:51] So catty.

[3:52] This kitten's got claws.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] It starred Taraji P. Henson and Idris Elba.

[4:01] Yes.

[4:01] Yeah.

[4:02] That's a fact that I can...

[4:04] Yes.

[4:04] Back up.

[4:05] I will confirm.

[4:06] The evidence supports you.

[4:08] Two of the brightest stars.

[4:09] The Hollywood Firmament.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] The Hollywood Firmament?

[4:11] Is that the motorcycle movie industry?

[4:14] The Hollywood Firmament?

[4:16] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[4:17] So, you know...

[4:18] Vroom, vroom.

Elliott Kalan

[4:19] Drive right on down to Harley.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man.

[4:21] That's one of the movies best known in the Hollywood Firmament.

[4:25] Do you think that...

[4:25] Yep.

[4:26] Give me more weird words to say.

[4:28] That's how it's gonna...

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] Easy Rider, and of course, Easy Rider, the ride back.

Dan McCoy

[4:32] Sure.

[4:32] So this was, what?

[4:34] A movie?

[4:35] A movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] We watched a movie, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[4:38] As we said, it stars...

Elliott Kalan

[4:39] What sort of degenerative thing is eating away at your brain?

[4:43] Probably like a brazen.

Stuart Wellington

[4:44] Idris Elba and Worm of some kind.

[4:45] Yeah, like Star Trek, whatever.

[4:48] Idris Elba's in the movie.

[4:50] He was in...

[4:50] Yeah, we...

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] So Idris Elba, this is what, the third Flophouse movie he's been in?

[4:55] Yeah, we was in Prom Night.

[4:56] He was in...

[4:57] Prom Night.

[4:57] He was in Obsessed.

[4:58] Obsessed.

[4:59] He was the object of obsession.

[5:01] And Leslie Bibb is in this, who was also in two other Flophouse movies.

[5:04] Yep.

[5:05] She was in Zookeeper, and she was in, what, Law Abiding Citizen?

[5:08] Was that it?

Dan McCoy

[5:09] And you know what?

[5:11] Both actors that I like, think are talented people, making bad choices.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] You more than like Idris Elba, if the sounds you were making low in your throat during the

[5:21] movie were anything to go by.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Yeah, daddy-like.

[5:24] Daddy-like.

Stuart Wellington

[5:25] Danny-like?

[5:26] Danny-lick.

[5:27] Danny-daddy-like.

[5:29] Daddy-danny.

[5:31] Mm-hmm.

[5:32] More Idris.

[5:32] Never call yourself Daddy-danny again.

[5:34] No.

[5:35] Not more Elba.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] Some kind of like 1930s tap-dancing pedophile.

[5:39] Yeah, you'd like more...

[5:39] Daddy-danny.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] You'd like more Idris.

[5:41] You've had your fill of Elba.

[5:44] Like Napoleon, you would like to get off of Elba.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] He's a handsome man.

[5:49] We all know that.

[5:50] Oh, sure.

[5:50] He's very handsome.

[5:52] You know, the internet wants him to be James Bond.

[5:54] Sure.

[5:55] I'd have no problem with that.

Stuart Wellington

[5:55] Maybe when people listen to this podcast in the future, he'll already be James Bond.

Dan McCoy

[5:59] So let's just call him James Bond, Idris Elba.

[6:02] Yeah, this will be like a trip down memory lane to back when Idris Elba made terrible choices.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] And in this movie, he does not yet have a license to kill, as we'll see.

[6:11] In the future.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] And let's just assume...

[6:14] Spoiler alert.

[6:15] We'll just assume that it's the future now.

[6:17] He is James Bond, and the first James Bond movie he was in of the 13 that he made was called

[6:21] The Limburger Cheese Mystery.

[6:24] And in the future, we're all space tycoons.

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] Interesting naming convention.

[6:28] They changed...

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] It was called James Bond and the Limburger Cheese Mystery.

Dan McCoy

[6:33] It was called One of Our Ducklings is Missing, starring James Bond.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] That was followed by James Bond and The Secret of the Sinister Clock.

[6:43] And then, of course, James Bond in Babysitter's Club.

[6:46] Yep.

[6:47] After dark.

[6:48] James...

[6:48] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[6:50] James Bond solves the mystery of the farting mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:54] It turns out beans were wrapped in with the mummy wrappings.

Stuart Wellington

[6:59] Ian Fleming's, who goes there?

[7:01] It's James Bond.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Starring Idris Elba.

[7:07] Idris Elba will return as James Bond in another, another stakeout.

[7:12] Too many donkeys.

[7:19] I wanted to see a James Bond movie called Too Many Donkeys so badly now.

[7:24] I love this.

[7:25] Miss Money Penny.

[7:27] There's so many donkeys turning on.

Dan McCoy

[7:29] There's too many donkeys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] We've got to get to the bottom of it.

Dan McCoy

[7:33] That's Idris Elba, by the way.

[7:35] This alternative universe where James Bond movies were all made by 1960s live-action Disney.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] Yep.

[7:42] Yep.

[7:43] They're all, like, seven hours long.

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] James Bond in The M.I. Apple Dumpling Gang.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] M. is played by Fred McMurray.

[7:51] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] Licensed to wear tennis shoes on a computer.

Dan McCoy

[7:56] Dean Jones is cute.

[7:59] So, wait.

[8:00] What?

[8:00] This is a movie about...

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] And Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills as Blofeld.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] So, this movie is called No Good Deed.

[8:11] This is No Good Deed.

[8:12] This is a movie that did not screen for critics, right?

[8:15] I don't know.

[8:16] We're about to be pretty critical.

[8:17] But they were...

[8:18] Yeah, it's screened for us tonight.

[8:20] Checkmate.

[8:20] It was held back because they claimed the...

[8:23] It's cool.

[8:24] Yeah.

[8:25] Yeah, yeah.

[8:25] Kind of.

[8:26] It couldn't pass the core curriculum tests.

[8:29] It was held back so that critics wouldn't ruin the twist for audiences.

[8:33] Oh, what a twist.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] We will ruin the twist.

[8:35] Oh, it's like, oh, Henry had sex with M. Night Shyamalan and they gave birth to Chubby

[8:41] Checker.

[8:42] That's what kind of twist it is.

[8:47] Yeah.

[8:48] It's like, Tony Twister-Elli had a baby with, like, a braid because the hair's twisted.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Yeah, yep.

[8:56] And that baby grew up and married a pretzel twist.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:00] Okay.

[9:01] I don't know if that's legal.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] And their baby was like a...

[9:06] Was named Thomas Wiss.

[9:09] Inventor of the card game of the same name.

[9:11] So let's talk about what this movie's about.

[9:13] So Idris Elba, we find out quickly what the movie's about because the first five to ten

[9:18] minutes is all exposition.

[9:20] Idris Elba is Colin Evans.

[9:22] Wait a minute.

[9:23] So did you just say Wiss now?

Stuart Wellington

[9:25] Okay.

[9:25] Is that an actual game?

[9:27] Or does just...

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] I've gotten one second into the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] Is that just something that Phineas Fogg talks about?

[9:31] No, Wiss is a game.

[9:32] It is a game.

[9:32] It's a game for the wistful.

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] So you sit around with a group and you just think back to your happiest childhood memories

[9:38] and how innocent they were.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] By the way, speaking of which, I would love to know how to play P-Knuckle.

Elliott Kalan

[9:43] Just because...

[9:44] Put some P's on your knuckles.

[9:46] That's how you play it.

[9:47] And then you just weird people out with it.

[9:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] Okay.

[9:50] Hey, you like this?

[9:51] What do you think of this?

[9:51] This P-Knuckle.

[9:53] So what's the deck of cards I bought in the store for?

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] That's for...

[9:57] That's for the 52 naked ladies.

[10:00] In case you can masturbate to that.

[10:03] Or if you ever meet the devil, you can win a game of poker against him and get a magic

[10:06] bag that you can stuff death into.

[10:09] Speaking of stuffing death into things.

[10:11] There's a lot of death being stuffed into this movie.

[10:14] It starts with Idris Elba as Colin Evans, who is in jail for manslaughter because he got

[10:20] into an argument with a man at a bar and killed him.

[10:23] And he's also suspected of killing five women.

[10:26] But they couldn't prove that.

[10:29] We're not laughing at the idea of killing five women, by the way.

[10:31] It's just thrown in as kind of an afterthought.

[10:33] It's an afterthought in the movie.

[10:34] He's also kind of a modern-day Jack the Ripper.

[10:36] But mostly it's this manslaughter bar brawl.

[10:38] Yeah.

[10:39] He is being taken to his parole hearing.

[10:41] He's in Tennessee.

[10:42] He is denied a parole hearing because one of the men on the council diagnoses him as,

[10:47] what was it, like an aggravated narcissist or something?

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Yeah, yeah.

[10:50] Something.

[10:51] It's like a...

[10:51] Yeah, he's got his number.

[10:53] He diagnoses him as a crazy maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] Yeah, he's a crazy maniac.

[10:56] Much like...

[10:56] Accurately.

[10:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:57] Like, he's the real hero of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Much like the Powell and Pressburger film, he's a black narcissist.

[11:02] And they do not let him out of jail.

[11:05] He is mad about it.

[11:06] And so on the ride...

[11:07] He's mad about you.

[11:08] On the ride back to the jail...

[11:11] On the...

[11:12] So...

[11:15] So...

[11:17] So...

[11:17] Evil genius...

[11:19] Evil genius Paul Reiser is in jail.

Stuart Wellington

[11:21] Was that Hanna-Barbera dog that just wheezes when it laughs?

[11:24] Because you're doing that impression really well.

[11:26] Yeah, what's his name?

[11:26] Wesley?

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] Dogzo?

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:28] What was it?

[11:29] Dogzo.

[11:32] Dogzo von Lafsing?

[11:33] Yeah.

[11:33] What was his name?

[11:34] Muttley?

[11:34] Muttley.

[11:35] Muttley.

[11:35] It was part of Wacky Races, right?

[11:37] Wacky Racers.

[11:38] Okay.

[11:39] There are only a few Wacky Races.

[11:40] Wacky Races.

[11:41] Eskimo.

Dan McCoy

[11:44] That's one of them.

[11:44] Hanna-Barbera's cartoon.

[11:46] Elliot is not into races.

[11:47] This is...

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] During the war, they did some spec work for Hitler with Wacky Races, which was kind of

[11:53] an ethnic...

[11:54] Anti-ethnic diversity cartoon.

[11:56] Yeah.

[11:57] Terrible.

[11:57] Hanna-Barbera and the estate of Anna-Barbera can send its lawsuits to Elliot Kalin, care

[12:02] of Dan McCoy.

[12:03] Shameful chapter in their history.

[12:07] So we've made it five minutes into the movie.

[12:09] Slightly better than Charlie Chan and the Amazing Chan Clan.

[12:12] So...

[12:13] Or Hong Kong Phooey.

[12:14] There are a lot of racist cartoons coming out of that studio.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] Yeah, man.

[12:18] Jabberjaw?

[12:19] It's not like all sharks are drummers.

[12:21] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] But they do all sound like Curly.

[12:24] So Idris Elba is in a van back to jail.

Stuart Wellington

[12:27] Captain Caveman, really?

[12:31] Captain Cave Person.

[12:32] Exactly.

[12:33] And he's got those two babes with him.

[12:34] I thought it was three babes.

[12:35] Okay.

[12:36] There's a lot of babes.

[12:38] There are a lot of babes, too.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] Especially since he is basically a hairy thumb with...

[12:42] With arms and legs in some sort of magic high-tech club.

[12:46] Yeah, there's like a little bird living inside his club.

[12:48] How did he get that?

[12:50] He was given to him by like Gwaud or something to investigate.

[12:54] Now at this point...

[12:55] Now Idris Elba knows he is going back to jail.

[12:58] He's been denied parole.

[12:59] And so he manages to escape killing both of the elderly or out-of-shape guards that are

[13:05] guarding this hulk of a man.

[13:07] Idris Elba may be in the best shape of any person can hope to be in without being Thor.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] Yeah, certainly any...

[13:12] Probably any man in his 40s, as Idris Elba is, like he is a well-preserved specimen of a man.

[13:20] Well, he drinks formaldehyde.

[13:21] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[13:23] I guess that's the secret?

[13:24] Yeah.

[13:25] You need like a Jurassic Park joke or something?

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Sure, I guess.

[13:29] Yeah, Idris Elba is kept inside the frozen bottom of a fake shaving cream can that Wayne Knight

[13:35] smuggled off an island.

[13:36] So that's why he's in such good shape for a 40-year-old.

[13:39] I get it.

[13:39] So meanwhile, in Atlanta, Georgia, Hotlanta as it's called, one of the fastest growing cities

[13:44] in the United States.

[13:45] Okay.

[13:45] Home of CNN and Coca-Cola.

[13:47] It's a Delta hub.

Dan McCoy

[13:48] I feel like you've been paid to buzz burn.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] Burned to the ground during the Civil War.

[13:52] Atlanta has regrown and more so.

[13:54] Okay.

[13:55] And now, 150 years later, it's ready to shine.

Dan McCoy

[13:58] Elliot, what's this...

[13:59] Atlanta, won't you?

[14:00] What's this check from the Atlantic Chamber of Commerce that I see poking out of your pocket?

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] That's a coincidence.

[14:05] That's a different Atlanta.

[14:06] That's Atlantis.

[14:07] Atlantis paid me to promote them.

[14:09] Speaking of which, have you ever wanted to go under the sea?

[14:13] Under the sea to a place where mermaids can watch you pee.

[14:17] They don't believe in private bathrooms in Atlantis because it's just water everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[14:22] No, at this point, the podcast listener is thinking, they've wasted too much time.

[14:27] They're not going to be able to get through the plot of this movie.

[14:29] Oh no, my friend.

[14:29] Oh contraire.

[14:30] There's barely any plot to this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:32] So, in Atlanta, Terry Granger, played by Taraji P. Henson, she is with her young baby and

[14:39] her daughter, Ryan, and she's mad because...

[14:41] She looks haggard.

[14:42] She looks hairy.

[14:43] I don't know if I'd say haggard.

[14:44] I'd say she's an over...

[14:45] She looks like Hagrid.

[14:47] She looks like Hagrid.

[14:49] Yeah, she's a bearded Robbie Coltrane giant.

Stuart Wellington

[14:51] But instead of monsters, she's caring for two children, which are kind of like monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] Oh, I know.

[14:55] Elliot knows about that.

[14:56] Yeah, very much so.

[14:57] Got a gremlin living in my house.

[14:58] The cutest little gremlin.

[14:59] Here, let me show you some pictures, guys.

[15:01] Okay, well...

[15:01] Anyway, here he is...

[15:02] Adorable.

[15:03] ...in the bathtub.

[15:04] Dan, stop looking at it like that.

[15:06] I wasn't...

[15:07] That's not...

[15:08] Anyway, so she tells her best friend Leslie Bibb jogs by and she basically expresses what

[15:13] a tired, exhausted mom she is.

[15:15] And Leslie Bibb is like, well, you should go out with your husband.

[15:18] But her husband, Jeffrey, doesn't want anything to do with the kids.

[15:22] He is always at work and this weekend he's going with his dad on a golfing trip for his dad's

[15:27] birthday.

[15:28] He only shows up to pack and does not help with the children.

[15:30] He is a bad dad, even more so than Gerard Butler in the movie Bad Dad Soccer Dad.

[15:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:36] Meanwhile...

[15:37] However, he's got this really cool deep voice and a creepy devil beard.

Elliott Kalan

[15:40] Yeah.

[15:40] If this was another movie, she would be married to the devil, basically.

[15:44] Everything about him screams bad dude.

[15:47] Exactly.

[15:47] Including his polo shirt.

[15:49] His orange polo shirt.

[15:51] Which does little to hide his totally ripped physique.

[15:54] There's something about a guy who's really ripped wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants that

[15:59] looks like when a porn actor is supposed to be like a businessman or an accountant.

[16:03] And you're like, there's no way that this guy who looks like he was in jail because of

[16:07] all the tattoos and the ripped abs he has is like an accountant who's being seduced by

[16:12] this milf.

[16:13] Come on.

[16:14] It's not happening.

[16:15] But it's also kind of interesting casting.

[16:16] I'm not saying that he in any way comes off as a criminal.

[16:19] It's just like, it's hard for me to buy a really ripped guy wearing a polo shirt and

[16:22] khaki pants.

Dan McCoy

[16:23] I also find it, though, kind of interesting casting that they made Taraji P's Hanson's

[16:27] husband such a handsome, ripped dude, considering that then later on we're supposed to be like,

[16:33] oh, you know, she's lusting after Idris Elba.

[16:35] She has a type, dude.

[16:36] Idris Elba.

[16:36] It's handsome, ripped dudes.

[16:37] I think all women have that type.

[16:40] In my limited experience talking to ladies.

[16:43] He should have been married to more of like a...

[16:45] The handsome and the muscular.

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] She should have been married to more of like an Urkel type, I guess.

[16:49] Or a Gilbert Godfrey type.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] Gilbert Godfrey type.

[16:53] But to really, really sell her desperate need to have...

[16:58] Yeah.

[16:59] I mean, he could have been a nice looking man who wasn't like a fucking Adonis.

[17:04] He didn't have to look like a calendar pinup.

[17:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] He didn't have to...

[17:07] The fact that she's married to apparently an underwear, a busy underwear model.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] Well, I think the producers were probably like, we need a guy whose clothes are going to fit

[17:15] Idris later on in the movie.

[17:16] That's a good point.

[17:18] Although, I think it would have made the movie more charming if the clothes didn't quite fit

[17:21] him.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] He's wearing this tiny shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[17:23] Yeah.

[17:24] He bursts through it.

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:26] Yeah.

[17:26] Like Hulk Hogan.

[17:26] Sorry, my rippling muscles.

Elliott Kalan

[17:28] That can't be contained.

[17:29] He reaches to close a window and the sleeve just rips right off.

[17:34] Happens to me a lot.

[17:36] Because I'm constantly going into other people's homes and putting on their shirts.

Dan McCoy

[17:40] It's my fetish.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] So, Colin is stalking a woman, Alexis, who it turns out was his fiancee before he was thrown

[17:47] in jail.

[17:50] He stalks her to her house and confronts her with evidence that she's been seeing another

[17:55] man and that she never answered any of his letters.

[17:58] But she kept them all.

[18:00] Yeah, but she kept them all.

[18:00] In a big pile.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] He confronts her with these unopened letters that I guess she kept in a pile, like in a drawer

[18:05] like do not read from Crazy Guy.

[18:07] Here's my guess.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] She treats her letters from her ex-fiancee in jail the same way I treat New Yorker magazine.

[18:13] I leave it in a pile in the bathroom.

[18:14] It takes me a while to get through them, so I might be two years behind on it.

[18:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:19] And if, what's his face, who did Fresh Prince of Bel-Air wrote anything?

[18:23] What's his face?

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] You don't read it.

[18:26] Will Smith?

Dan McCoy

[18:27] No.

[18:28] What?

[18:29] The bad political guy.

[18:32] Andy Borowitz.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:34] Take that, Andy Borowitz.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] You're burning a lot of comedy bridges, Dan.

[18:37] Andy Borowitz.

[18:38] You seem like a nice enough man.

[18:39] Scott Aukerman.

[18:40] You don't care whose toes you step on.

Dan McCoy

[18:41] No, I like Scott Aukerman.

[18:42] He was just a little weird when I talk to you.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] Stop plugging Scott Aukerman.

[18:45] Dude, we don't even know him.

[18:46] Why are you doing so much work for him?

[18:49] Anyway, he confronts her at home and in the process gets mad and snaps her neck and then

[18:56] hits her dead body with a lamp a bunch of times.

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] And then slams her.

[18:58] Well, because she starts bragging about how much sex she's having with this guy.

[19:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:02] He gets her mad and she starts taunting him.

[19:05] And she's like, is that what you want to hear?

[19:06] It is not.

[19:07] He snaps her neck.

Stuart Wellington

[19:08] Yep.

[19:08] She's like, maybe this guy who's been known to have violent outbursts in regards to jealousy

[19:14] will-

[19:15] Wants to hear about the awesome sex.

[19:16] Wants to hear about this other guy's sweet amazing penis.

[19:22] So sweet it shoots out, I don't know, delicious syrup.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] Next time you get a penis, try a sweet amazing.

[19:29] The homemade penis.

[19:31] Brought to you by Bakersfield Fudge.

[19:33] Amish made penis and Bakersfield Fudge.

[19:37] Two great tastes that taste great together.

[19:40] Double penetrate your mouth with these.

[19:42] And now back to Radio Zork.

[19:44] Well, looking through the responses, it seems that 79% of you wrote to put the lock, the

[19:51] key, to the lock.

[19:52] So let's try it.

[19:54] You try the key on the lock.

[19:55] The key does not work.

[19:57] Do you turn around, try the next key, or hit the lock with a hammer?

[20:03] Wait to be announced by a servant.

[20:06] Next week we'll hear the answer on Radio Zork.

[20:10] Zork, Zork, Zork.

[20:11] Brought to you by Bakersfield Fudge and Sweet Amazing Venus.

[20:14] So anyway.

[20:19] On WOR, old time radio, the way it used to be now.

Dan McCoy

[20:26] Oh boy.

[20:27] I kind of want to make this podcast now, which is just Radio Zork.

[20:32] Radio Zork?

[20:33] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] The slowest moving podcast in the world.

[20:37] I've been listening.

[20:38] Okay, I'm 45 episodes in.

[20:40] They're almost through the door.

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] No, just wait for another person to arrive so you can use their key.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] There's going to be something awesome on the other side of this door.

[20:49] If you unlocked it and turned the knob.

[20:53] If you push the door open slightly, say A.

[20:56] If you push the door open very forcefully, say B.

[20:59] If you push the door open somewhere in the middle, say C.

[21:03] Then it's like weeks of, if you'd like to push the door further, the door is not open far enough for you to squeeze through.

[21:08] If you'd like to push the door open further, right in.

Dan McCoy

[21:12] All the writers in the back room are like, oh, we haven't figured out what's behind the door yet.

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] It's got to be something amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] Your hands feel.

[21:20] There's a guy just making the stretch sign for weeks and weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] In the writers room for weeks.

[21:25] They just put pasta in his hands.

[21:27] If he's going to be doing it, I just want to make advantage of it.

[21:31] Anyway, that's when Colin, after killing those people, Terry is alone at home with the kids.

Stuart Wellington

[21:38] Those people is one person.

Elliott Kalan

[21:40] And her best friend Leslie Bibb and her are going to hang out and have a girls' night drinking wine and talking about penises.

[21:46] Colin, in a rainstorm, crashes his car and goes to the first house he sees, Terry's house.

[21:54] There he knocks on the door and presents himself as a man who's been in an accident.

[21:58] And here's the moment where—

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] So I wasn't in the room when he crashed his car.

[22:01] Was it like a Ken Marino in Wet Hot American Summer situation where all of a sudden he just totally smashes it?

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] No, no.

[22:07] It's very hard to see in the rain, and he's trying to control it in the wet weather.

[22:10] It's not a bad car crash.

[22:12] It's actually like a branch goes through the windshield.

Stuart Wellington

[22:13] So you're like singing a song and not paying attention.

Elliott Kalan

[22:15] Yeah, he's like, I'm walking on sunshine.

[22:18] Oh, but I'm driving in a rainstorm.

[22:22] It just always likes to make up lyrics about what's going on.

[22:25] That makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[22:25] Yeah.

[22:26] I don't know anybody like that.

[22:28] Bird.

[22:28] I totally know somebody.

[22:29] His name's Elliot.

[22:30] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[22:31] I appreciate it.

[22:31] We've known each other for a long time.

[22:34] He gets there, and this is the first of many moments where people react as if Idris Elba has a horrific cut on his forehead.

[22:40] But I could not see it.

[22:41] It's barely visible.

[22:42] It's like they were going to put it in in post and then just forgot about it.

[22:46] And somewhere on a computer there's animation of an Idris Elba head bleeding cut that was never applied to the film.

Stuart Wellington

[22:52] Spewing blood.

[22:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah, where you can see like skull underneath, like totally like Terminator 2 level Terminator makeup.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] But it's like a Zadowichi type CGI blood where it moves around when the person's moving around so it's not on the same part of his head.

[23:08] So anyway, he goes, he asks to use Terry's phone.

[23:13] He says, I'll wait outside.

[23:14] You can close the door.

[23:15] Totally reasonable request.

[23:16] He uses the phone.

[23:17] He calls a tow truck, he says.

[23:19] Then she leaves the door open.

[23:22] Uh-oh.

[23:22] She comes back.

[23:24] He's not on the doorstep.

[23:25] Where is he?

[23:26] Camera moves over slightly.

[23:27] Oh, he's still on the doorstep.

Stuart Wellington

[23:28] It's okay.

[23:29] And the musical cues, like all the musical cues in this movie is like super crazy.

[23:34] Like, wham.

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] Or ree, ree.

[23:37] Like it's every moment is underlined.

[23:39] They are Mickey Mousing the hell out of this suspense.

[23:43] Eventually.

Dan McCoy

[23:44] And then there's a one scene where it's just jerking the straw.

Elliott Kalan

[23:47] Yeah, and they're all dancing in a barn.

[23:49] Yep.

[23:50] With a bunch of farm animals.

[23:52] It's very weird.

[23:52] They pull on a cat's tail to make the final note.

[23:56] Yep.

[23:58] It's just, yeah, yeah.

[23:59] It's just milking in time with the music.

[24:03] With their barnyard jamboree.

Stuart Wellington

[24:05] Somebody's playing a xylophone on like a skeleton's rib gate.

[24:09] Yep, yep.

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] And the skeleton snatches.

[24:12] The xylophone sticks away and goes, huh, room.

[24:15] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[24:16] And then he zips up the dirt around his tomb.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] I thought it was great.

[24:23] And a rose comes up.

[24:25] But the rose starts bopping along to the song.

[24:28] Sure.

[24:28] We sure know our silly symphonies.

[24:30] Yep.

[24:31] Anyway.

[24:32] He's going to have to wait outside in the rain for the tow truck shows.

[24:35] She invites him in.

[24:36] And this is a long sequence where nothing threatening happens at all.

[24:41] But the movie acts like lots of threatening things are happening.

Stuart Wellington

[24:44] I don't think that's a bad thing in a thriller.

[24:46] Like, they could easily spend this time setting up, like, the geography of the house to make

[24:51] that more scary.

[24:52] But here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[24:53] When we talked about House of the Devil, like, a movie where barely anything happens, but

[24:57] it's tense throughout the whole thing.

[24:59] I'll tell you what they did in House of the Devil.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] Yeah, I'm, like, shitting my pants the whole time in that movie.

[25:01] I'll tell you what they did.

[25:02] Well, that's a medical problem.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] It's only an hour and a half long, dude.

[25:08] I can shit my pants for an hour and a half.

[25:09] I mean, it was a long time for...

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] You shouldn't really be able to do that.

[25:12] It was a long time for...

[25:12] Give me 20 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] I can figure this out.

[25:14] So dehydrated.

[25:15] I was sitting next to you and it felt like a really long time.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] You were like, should you get up?

[25:20] And he was like, no way, this movie's just too scary.

Stuart Wellington

[25:23] Why you got your hands on your knees like that, Dan?

[25:25] You had your arm around me before.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] What's going on?

[25:27] Arm around me.

[25:29] It's scary.

[25:30] I mean, comforting.

Dan McCoy

[25:31] As we always watch our movies together.

[25:33] Cuddled up.

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] Like that Fritz the Cat cover.

[25:36] Your hands just going into the top of Stuart's shirt.

[25:40] Anyway, here's what House of the Devil does.

[25:43] No good deed does not do it.

[25:45] House of the Devil plays with the quiet of the house and lets you read into it kind of how weird it is and the suspense of it.

[25:53] There's not a lot of music.

[25:54] And Tom Noonan's in it.

[25:56] Tom Noonan, who's instantly much scarier than Idris Elba.

[25:59] Just as sexy, but scarier.

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] I don't know if I would want Tom Noonan's arms around me the same way I'd want Idris Elba's arms around me.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] It would be like having like a pumpkin head's arms around you.

[26:08] It's just these long, spiny things.

[26:10] Yeah, I haven't changed my stance on pumpkin head's arms around me.

[26:14] But with this movie, the music is, and the music and the way it's shot is constantly trying to get you to think it's suspenseful.

[26:22] And they keep flashing back to Idris Elba killing the woman we just saw him kill 10 minutes ago.

[26:26] Yeah.

[26:26] Remember this?

[26:27] He's a killer.

[26:28] Yeah, hey, hey, I know Idris Elba's handsome, but don't forget he's a killer.

[26:31] Don't forget he's a murderer.

[26:32] He's a bad dude.

[26:33] He's a murderer.

Stuart Wellington

[26:34] But like even a movie like The Guest plays with a character that you know is dangerous,

[26:39] but they, like, instead of showing you what they've done, they include like vocal cues or like facial expressions to make it scary.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] This is relying so heavily on the music to provide scares, and that's not the best way to do something.

Dan McCoy

[26:55] And also, like, something like The Guest, like, plays with the fact that you can make, you can have a dangerous character who's also charming.

[27:03] And, like, I think they try and do a little bit of that here, like, in that Idris Elba is clearly, like, handsome to Taraji P. Henson, and she's attracted to him.

[27:12] Handsome to everybody.

[27:13] Yeah, but he's not, like, I don't know, like, there's nothing interesting about him.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] He's not charming so much as he appears vulnerable at first.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] And one thing I did like about that, at least, is that he is a scary guy who gets into a house by being somewhat realistically vulnerable.

[27:29] Like, not just like, oh, I was in a car crash.

[27:32] Can I use your phone?

[27:32] But, like, he keeps stepping back and making her kind of, like, invite him in or make moves.

[27:39] But, like, that's a thing I wish they had done better or, like, drawn out more, that he is letting her draw him into this dangerous situation.

[27:48] Yeah, it's not like...

Dan McCoy

[27:48] This most dangerous game.

[27:51] Pinochle?

[27:53] Man, it's hard to bounce those P's on your nose.

[27:54] It's very dangerous for the P's.

Stuart Wellington

[27:56] Well, it's not like funny games where you have the invaders, basically, like, making more and more effort to, like, push themselves in and taking more and more liberties with his family.

[28:09] He doesn't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] No, he does none of that, and then it suddenly goes from zero to 60.

Stuart Wellington

[28:14] Yeah, which ruins the movie at that point.

[28:16] Because Leslie Bibb shows up...

[28:18] Before that, it was 100% movie.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] Oh, it was impeccable.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] Oh, yeah.

[28:23] This was...

[28:24] Cinematic perfection.

[28:25] This was the godfather we were watching.

[28:28] Yeah, this is...

[28:30] So, Leslie Bibb shows up.

[28:31] What were you going to say?

[28:31] No, never.

[28:32] Leslie Bibb shows up to have their girls' night in.

[28:34] They're drinking wine with Idris Elba.

Stuart Wellington

[28:37] Drinking red wine with white pants.

[28:39] That is dangerous.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] Now, that was the real threat.

Stuart Wellington

[28:43] That's how you know Leslie Bibb likes to live on the edge.

[28:45] Yep, no farts allowed in those white pants.

[28:47] Hold on.

[28:48] No farts allowed.

[28:50] I don't know that that's typically an issue.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Welcome to Stuart Wellington.

[28:54] This is Stuart Wellington's No Farts Allowed.

[28:57] The only show with no farting.

[28:59] Leave him outside.

[29:00] For a man who like...

[29:01] Just stick your butt in the window and propel it outside the room.

[29:05] No, no, no.

[29:05] There's no windows in my party.

Dan McCoy

[29:07] For a man who shat his pants for 90 minutes.

[29:09] He has a strong stance against farts.

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] Draws the line at farts.

[29:12] If you're going to do it, go all the way.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:15] No halfsies.

[29:16] No half measures here.

[29:17] Hey, fence sitter.

[29:18] Poop better be coming out of your butt or else shut it up.

[29:23] Anyway, this is gross.

[29:24] Like guilt saying.

[29:27] So they...

[29:28] Leslie Bibb goes on and on about how she doesn't want to get married.

[29:30] She just wants to have sex with all the penises she can find.

[29:33] Sweet, delicious penises.

[29:35] The baby...

[29:36] Sweet, amazing.

[29:37] Sweet, amazing.

[29:38] The baby starts crying and Taraji goes up to take care of the baby.

[29:42] Leslie and Idris go out to the garage to have a smoke.

[29:45] And Idris Elba toys with trying to make Leslie Bibb think that he's having an affair with Taraji P. Henson.

[29:53] And then Leslie Bibb sees through it so fast and says like, I'm going to find out who you are.

Stuart Wellington

[29:57] This is kind of the moment that I think we, the viewer, realizes that Idris Elba, he's not actually very good at this.

[30:04] No.

[30:04] He isn't like, he isn't some kind of like Machiavellian bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] He's not playing mind games with her very well.

[30:10] She sees through him almost instantly.

[30:12] And when she says, I'm going to find out who you are, his response is to hit her in the face with a shovel.

[30:17] And he goes, hey.

[30:19] And then hits her with a shovel in the face, killing her.

[30:22] Things get pretty bad from there.

[30:25] He tells Meg, no, Meg is the other woman.

[30:28] He tells Terry that Meg left, but Terry sees Meg's umbrella right there.

[30:33] And so she...

[30:34] But she never leaves without that umbrella.

[30:35] She loves that umbrella.

[30:36] It's attached to her arm.

[30:37] It's her lucky umbrella.

[30:38] It saved her life.

[30:41] And she tries to use the phone.

[30:44] The line has been cut.

[30:45] The lights go out for some reason, even though later they're fine.

[30:49] And she goes upstairs to find Idris Elba playing with the daughter.

[30:53] As if he...

[30:54] There's nothing wrong with him, but she can see he's got a gun tucked in the back of his pants.

[30:58] This is a Finley Vale threat to her family.

Stuart Wellington

[31:00] And a reference to a large penis, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] I don't know about that.

[31:04] I think the gun is tucked into the back of his pants to threaten any farts that think they want to stick their heads out.

[31:10] Hey, you stay inside or else you're going to get blasted with a little lead.

[31:14] She wastes no time in getting him away from her daughter and then hitting him in the face with a fire extinguisher.

Stuart Wellington

[31:20] Well, she sprays him first.

Elliott Kalan

[31:21] Sprays him in the face, hits him in the head, and he falls down a flight of stairs.

[31:24] And it's at this point that we realize she is way better at this than he is.

[31:28] She's homeloning him, basically.

[31:30] She is homeloning him hard.

[31:31] Because throughout the movie now, she hits him in the head with that, with some kind of lamp vase.

[31:36] She stabs him in the side with a knife.

[31:38] She stabs him again with a letter opener.

[31:41] She is doing so much damage.

[31:44] She's doing so many hit points of damage to Andrew Selva.

[31:46] Yes.

[31:46] But he gets the upper hand because of the gun.

[31:48] And so after making her stand in the shower with him, and then they have a...

[31:53] Which is actually kind of a good scene.

[31:55] Which is a pretty icky, like, tense scene.

[31:57] And he starts rubbing his towel against her face in a way that, in a better movie, would have been really upsetting.

[32:05] That was a genuinely tense and disturbing scene.

[32:07] Yeah, like Funny Games, the movie I just talked about earlier.

[32:09] Yeah, like in Towel Games.

[32:11] The towel-based Funny Games sequel.

[32:13] That's one of those moments where you see, like, oh, this could have been a really unsettling movie.

[32:18] And then he changes his shirt in front of her, and he makes her change her shirt in front of him.

[32:24] And it's very creepy.

[32:25] And then we're back to him hitting...

[32:27] Her hitting him in the head with a vase and, like, running around.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, he gets beat up in a way that reminded me of nothing so much as, like, how in Scream, like, the murderer gets...

[32:38] Spends most of his time being, like, hit like a Three Stooges character.

[32:42] Which works in a movie that's both a horror movie and a comedy.

[32:46] Those don't exist.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] American Horror Story is inventing them right now.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] But when you're supposed to believe that this is, like, an actual threat that you're supposed to take seriously,

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] It's very hard to believe in a threat where the woman who's supposedly in danger can at will just beat this guy up.

[33:04] And, like, on the one hand, it's nice to see a movie where the woman is very capable.

[33:09] Like, she doesn't do that much stupid stuff.

[33:11] She's a little clumsy in the beginning, which is how they explain why her cell phone's broken.

[33:14] But, like, she doesn't make dumb mistakes or choices.

[33:17] But, like, it means that Idris Elba just kind of wanders into these traps.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] Well, a lot of it is...

[33:24] I think it's just the screenwriter is like, I don't know how to end this scene.

[33:28] I'm just going to have him bonk him on the head.

[33:30] And then she'll run to another room and then we'll have a new scene.

[33:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:33] Well, it was written by Bonk of the Turbo 64.

[33:36] The movie was originally titled Head Bonker.

[33:39] It's like they're in a game of cat and mouse.

[33:42] If the cat and mouse are Tom and Jerry...

Stuart Wellington

[33:45] What were you going to say?

[33:46] I was just going to say Head Bonker is also the...

[33:48] Like, that sounds like a porno movie.

[33:50] But it's some kind of...

[33:51] I mean, it's just a blowjob movie, I guess.

[33:53] I mean, it's a caveman porno movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] A caveman porno?

[33:57] Is there a big market for that?

Stuart Wellington

[33:58] Yeah, there's another...

[33:59] I think there's another...

[34:01] Like, it's like a bang bus sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] But they don't have buses.

[34:04] What, are they riding by a dinosaur?

[34:05] They have, like, Johnstone wheels.

[34:07] A bang wheel?

Dan McCoy

[34:09] Come inside this wheel.

[34:12] That doesn't make any sense.

[34:13] It's called cave...

[34:14] You hang out in the middle of it where the smoke would go.

[34:16] Yeah, like you're rolling a tire down here.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] You get real dizzy, so you can't really have sex.

[34:19] It's called cave bus.

[34:22] Anyway.

[34:24] So Colin eventually forces her to drive him around for a while.

[34:28] With the kids and the cars a threat.

[34:30] She manages to signal with her lights to a police car.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] Yeah, they stretch the movie out by including a policeman character.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] The police officer pulls them over in a scene where,

[34:38] If we didn't know Idris Elba was a murderer,

[34:41] would totally be racial profiling.

[34:43] This police officer is instantly suspicious of anything these black people are going to say to him.

[34:47] Of course, he gets shot to death by Idris Elba.

[34:50] After the policeman is like,

[34:52] Ma'am, within a earshot of Idris Elba,

[34:54] Ma'am, were you trying to get my attention when you flashed your lights at me?

[34:57] Not only within...

[34:58] You know, when you flashed your headlights at me,

[34:59] is that man not supposed to be in that car?

Stuart Wellington

[35:01] That man holding...

[35:02] That man holding your...

[35:04] That ma'am.

[35:05] That ma'am?

[35:06] That man holding your baby.

[35:07] Yeah, exactly.

[35:08] Is he a bad guy or is he a good guy?

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] Is he James Bond?

[35:10] Because then he has a license to kill.

[35:11] It's okay.

[35:12] Ma'am, is that guy holding your baby with his hands around her tiny, tiny neck?

[35:17] Is he a bad guy?

[35:18] That man who's a current physical threat to your children?

[35:21] The only thing that means more to you than life itself?

Stuart Wellington

[35:23] Were you trying to signal to me that he's afraid of trouble?

[35:25] That man with a super visible cut on his forehead that no one else can see?

Dan McCoy

[35:29] That man that your other daughter clearly said was not your father?

[35:36] Is that man a danger to you?

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] I like to think...

[35:38] Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the magic baby who never gets upset or cries except that one time.

[35:43] Even though he's being thrown around in closets and cries.

Dan McCoy

[35:45] Are you a baby expert now?

[35:46] I have one.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] So I'm extrapolating from that that all babies are screaming all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[35:51] Stuart, maybe you're doing it wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[35:53] A baby is like three dynamite explosives.

[35:55] You just jar it slightly.

[35:57] A baby is like the trucks in Wages of Fear.

[36:00] Just one bad bump and they're just screaming all over the place.

Stuart Wellington

[36:03] Sure, it's like all the vehicles in Las Vegas in Con Air.

[36:06] Like you even blow on that armored car, it's exploding.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] It blows right up.

[36:10] You asked if Elliot was a baby expert.

[36:12] In my experience, anybody who has one baby is a baby expert.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] Yeah, Dana Carvey has a baby.

[36:18] All his material is about babies from now on.

Dan McCoy

[36:20] You're burnt, parent.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Take that for procreating.

[36:23] I'm not quite sure I understood the burn.

Dan McCoy

[36:24] Thinking that you know everything about babies.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] I mean, I know everything about one baby.

[36:28] Yeah.

[36:29] His name's Sammy.

[36:30] All about Sammy.

[36:31] Let me show you some pictures.

Dan McCoy

[36:32] Oh boy, again?

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] And let me read you from my new book, Everything You Always Wanted to Know Sammy, but Didn't

[36:37] Want to Ask.

[36:39] Question one.

[36:40] I definitely didn't want to ask anything about it.

[36:43] So Idris Elba shoots the policeman because we need another body.

[36:47] And then he drives, he forces Terry to drive him and the family to a house.

[36:52] This house, wait a minute.

[36:54] When they get inside, it's the house where he killed his ex-fiancee.

[36:57] Bum, bum, bum.

[36:58] And she's still there.

[37:00] Terry's tied up or something.

Stuart Wellington

[37:01] He ties her up like a chunk in Goonies.

[37:04] Yeah, it's a full chunk scenario.

[37:06] Like a chunk.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] Like a chunk in one of those Goonies.

[37:10] One of those chunks.

[37:11] One of those truffle shufflers.

[37:12] One of those chunks that are always getting tied up around Goonie things.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] Goonies never say die, but they do get tied.

[37:20] Like chunk.

Stuart Wellington

[37:21] So, and then he gets dragged away from the situation because...

[37:25] I don't remember why.

[37:27] The car alarm goes off, which was set up earlier in the movie because it's a great thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] Oh, that's right.

[37:32] Because she can't turn the car alarm off earlier.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] It has a hair trigger car alarm.

[37:37] If a hair triggers it, it has a car alarm that goes, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

[37:42] Hilarious.

[37:43] Hair.

[37:44] Anyway, it's late.

[37:45] So then she gets, there's a phone call in the house and she answers the phone, I guess,

[37:50] to say there's danger.

[37:51] It's the dead girl's cell phone.

[37:53] Uh-oh.

[37:53] The dead girl's cell phone rang.

[37:55] Here's the shocking twist in the movie.

[37:58] Are you ready?

[37:58] Are you ready for the twist?

[37:59] Critics, tear the headphones out of your ears.

[38:02] Critics were not supposed to know about it.

[38:03] No, please, don't reveal the horrifying twist of No Good Deed.

[38:08] But now, are you ready for twist?

[38:10] Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

[38:14] bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

[38:14] Because it turns out...

[38:16] Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

[38:19] Because here's what it is.

[38:21] Yeah.

[38:22] Here's what the twist is.

[38:24] The phone call is from Terry's husband.

[38:27] He wasn't going on...

Stuart Wellington

[38:28] He wasn't going on...

[38:28] But he was such a faithful husband.

[38:30] That's so we thought.

[38:32] Avid golfer.

[38:33] I'm guessing workout enthusiast.

[38:37] Child disliker.

[38:38] Polo shirt wearer.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] Polo shirt wearer.

[38:41] Beard manicurist.

[38:42] Child not helping with devil bearded Jeffrey.

[38:45] It turns out was having an affair with Idris Elba's ex-fiancee.

[38:51] It wasn't a random chance that brought Idris Elba into the life of Terry and her family.

[38:55] It was revenge.

[38:57] Oh.

[38:58] On ABC.

[39:00] He was obsessed.

[39:01] Yes.

[39:01] Yeah.

[39:02] On prom night.

[39:05] The wire.

[39:07] And it's the Pacific Rim.

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] Oh, we missed the joke about him cutting the phone wire.

[39:12] Oh.

[39:12] Go back.

[39:13] We'll just rewind it, Dan.

[39:13] Yeah.

[39:14] All right.

[39:14] Plug it in later.

[39:15] That's...

Dan McCoy

[39:16] I mean, we didn't say anything about stringer alarm bells either.

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] Or how he's stringering her along with his tails of Ruck.

[39:26] Okay.

[39:27] No.

[39:29] Anyway, so it turns out Idris Elba was doing this for revenge.

[39:33] Jeffrey is not a good guy.

[39:34] He's a bad man.

[39:35] Terry needs to kick him to the curb.

[39:37] But first, Terry's got to kick Idris Elba out of her life.

[39:40] How did she do it?

[39:41] Surprisingly easily.

[39:42] Almost instantly by stabbing him in the side a bunch of times and then shooting him in

[39:47] the chest a bunch of times.

[39:48] Or maybe shot him in the gut.

Stuart Wellington

[39:49] Is this a sequence where she bars the door with a cabinet or whatever?

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] This is when she does...

[39:56] She puts a balsa wood cabinet up.

[39:57] She moves a dresser in front of the door to block it.

[40:00] Then ties a rope of sheets out the window.

[40:03] He pushes the door open as if that cabinet was made out of dreams and wishes.

[40:10] As if she had placed like a cardboard promotional stand up from a video store on the other side

[40:15] of the door.

[40:16] He has no trouble breaking through it.

[40:18] He sees the open window and the sheets.

[40:19] Goes, oh, they climbed out.

[40:21] He leaves the house.

[40:22] She walks out of the closet.

[40:24] Yep.

[40:24] She was playing mind games with him.

[40:27] Once again proving that she is way more formidable a foe than this multi-murderer.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:32] He eventually gets the gun.

[40:34] He has a drop on her.

[40:36] Justin, he's about to shoot her in the face, I guess.

[40:39] And then her daughter is like, mommy?

[40:42] That makes him turn.

[40:43] She kicks him in the balls.

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:44] She beats the shit out of him.

[40:46] He gets a couple punches in, but nothing doing real damage.

[40:48] No, not enough.

[40:48] She like blasts him with a fireplace thing.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] She shoots him out of the window.

[40:52] She shoots him so many times, he falls back out of the window.

Stuart Wellington

[40:54] Yeah, she drops some like equilibrium gun caught on him and blasts him out the window.

[40:59] Yeah.

[40:59] Just in time for her fucking husband to show up.

[41:02] Like, if you're a husband.

[41:03] Well, the police show up.

[41:04] But if you're a cheating husband, you don't want to show up to see your wife just totally

[41:07] beat the shit out of this huge monster of a dude.

[41:09] A guy who's roughly the same size as you.

[41:12] Well, almost exactly the same size.

[41:14] She has a type, Elliot.

[41:15] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[41:15] And then in the end, she punches her husband like it's an 80s comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] And what was missing, like what I was saying, was a lady policewoman going, uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[41:24] Yeah, that and like there weren't the like flashing blue police lights.

[41:29] You know how like 80s movies had those like flashing lights that are like-

Dan McCoy

[41:33] They pan over from the flashing lights.

Stuart Wellington

[41:35] Like everything else is dark with occasional flashes of blue light, basically.

[41:39] Yeah.

[41:39] Like they decide to cut their headlights and only have that light lighting the scene.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] It's more atmospheric.

[41:45] We then go to, I guess, the future where she is moving-

[41:49] The future.

[41:49] She is moving into-

[41:50] But not like-

[41:51] No, not like a hundred years in the future.

[41:52] She flies her hover car into the future.

Dan McCoy

[41:55] She is a brain in a jar.

[41:57] And Idris Elba's brain is terrorizing her.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] She's a brain in a jar piloting some sort of Shoggoth-designed rocket ship.

[42:05] In the Coca-Cola Atlanta arcology.

[42:08] They find, yeah, the aliens sifting through the rubble of our civilization find her skeleton

[42:14] and reconstruct the story.

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] Idris Elba's character is referred to as a shadow runner because he has no social identity number.

[42:25] What?

Elliott Kalan

[42:27] Yeah, and they're all clones.

[42:28] But she has moved-

[42:29] That's the new twist.

[42:30] She has moved into a new house with her kids.

[42:32] She's got a new blonde best friend.

[42:34] She's dressing more like a professional woman and she has a new thin blonde friend.

[42:37] I think she's more of a babysitter.

Dan McCoy

[42:39] She's an employee at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] She returns the unused portion of her Leslie Bibb to the manufacturer and received a discount

[42:45] on a new one.

Stuart Wellington

[42:47] I'd like the half-bib model, please.

[42:50] A little less sass on the edges.

[42:52] We have a Leslie Bibb Fortuna.

[42:54] It's a new thing.

[42:54] Oh, gross.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Leslie Bibb, but she has two big Twi'lek worms coming out of her head.

[42:59] She used those Twi'lek worms to communicate.

[43:03] And Terry goes, uh, no Jabba Wonga.

[43:06] And they both laugh.

[43:07] Freeze frame.

[43:08] Freeze frame.

[43:09] And then freeze frame plays.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] Cut to a shot of Salacious Crumb eyeballing Jabba's tail.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] And then sit, ubu, sit, good dog, and we're done.

[43:22] That's tonight's episode of No Good Deed.

[43:25] No Good Deed was taped in front of a dead studio audience.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Brought to you by that fudge place.

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] I can't remember.

[43:32] How come tech?

[43:33] It was called Bakersfield Fudge.

[43:35] That fudge place is their competitor.

[43:37] That fudge place was the, uh.

[43:41] That is the off-brain.

[43:42] Was the sponsor for a totally different text-based radio adventure.

[43:45] It was the Hitchhikers.

[43:47] Yeah, yeah.

[43:48] Radio text.

[43:49] Hitchhikers, which was a radio show.

[43:51] Yeah, it's the weird part about it.

[43:52] You're mixing things up.

[43:54] Well, that fudge place hasn't been here for 40 years.

[43:57] How did Tales from the Crypt not announce at the end of its episodes Tales from the Crypt was filmed in front of a dead studio audience?

[44:03] That, if we ever do a new Tales from the Crypt, let's call it Tales from the Flop Crypt.

[44:07] And guys, we are.

Dan McCoy

[44:09] We'll end it with that.

[44:10] We are on the market to do a new Tales from the Crypt.

[44:12] Let's make that clear to any producers out there.

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] You have the rights to Tales from the Crypt, the TV show.

[44:17] Come to us.

[44:18] We will drop everything.

[44:19] I'm guessing William Sadler, probably.

Stuart Wellington

[44:20] Maybe, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[44:23] So.

[44:24] I don't care how many demon knights we gotta fight, or bordellos of blood we have to sleep our way through.

[44:28] I don't care how many Wayne knights we have to stop.

Stuart Wellington

[44:30] You think you can take Wayne knight?

[44:32] I mean, the three of us can take Wayne knight.

[44:33] This beard is making you crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[44:37] I've got beard madness.

[44:39] You saw how sweaty he was in that scene in Basic Instinct.

[44:41] He'd slip right through our fingers.

Stuart Wellington

[44:42] He's got so much body, dude.

[44:43] You keep hitting him in the piece like King Hippo.

[44:45] He'll keep blogging that shit.

[44:47] He's got a lot of body.

[44:49] Okay.

[44:50] The naughty with the body.

Elliott Kalan

[44:52] This Wayne knight has a full body.

[44:56] I'm detecting hints of Newman.

Dan McCoy

[45:02] So, we gotta move on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] Slightly nutty or nighty flavor.

[45:06] We gotta do our...

[45:08] Now I wanna see a Looney Tunes called Nighty Night Bugs, but it's Bugs Bunny bewildering Wayne Knight.

Dan McCoy

[45:14] We gotta do our final judgments, whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kinda like.

[45:20] Stu, where you gotta go with this?

Stuart Wellington

[45:21] Oh man, I didn't really think about it.

[45:23] I'd probably say a bad, bad movie.

[45:27] It's not goofy enough to be a good, bad movie.

[45:30] And it's certainly not a movie I kinda liked.

Dan McCoy

[45:32] Yeah, I'm gonna go bad, bad, too.

[45:35] I wanted it to be good, bad, because there is a lot of silliness in it, and it's short.

[45:39] But, I don't know.

[45:41] Not a lot of laughs there.

[45:42] We had a lot of laughs tonight, guys.

[45:44] But not watching the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[45:46] Not from the movie.

[45:46] No.

[45:47] They're mostly from made-up nonsense.

[45:48] Nor if you're listening at home.

[45:49] If people are gonna watch it, if people are like, I can't wait to see that No Good Deed.

[45:52] It has all that Radio Zork stuff in it.

[45:54] Nope.

[45:55] So I'm gonna say Bad, Bad also.

[45:56] It was not quite crazy enough to be a good, bad.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] So before we move on, we do have a few sponsors tonight.

[46:03] Or two, to be exact.

[46:05] Stuart, I believe you have anything to say.

Stuart Wellington

[46:07] Watching No Good Deed tonight, I learned that guys like Jeffrey, the husband of Taraji P. Henson, and Colin, Idris Elba's characters, you know, they're not really good at handling their relationships or their women.

[46:20] They're poor role models.

[46:22] So you don't want to be that type of guy.

[46:25] You don't want to fall out of touch with that special someone in your life.

[46:30] Okay.

[46:31] Or in the case of Idris Elba, touch them too much by snapping their neck.

[46:34] In some kind of chokeslam situation.

[46:37] Guys, Valentine's Day is right around the corner.

[46:39] It is?

[46:40] Oh no.

[46:40] It is.

[46:41] Uh oh.

[46:42] So look around that corner and see that our friends at Pro Flowers have a deal for you.

[46:48] What is this deal, Stuart?

[46:49] Okay, 100 Blooms of Love is the name of the deal.

[46:52] And it's available with a free glass vase for only $19.99.

Elliott Kalan

[46:58] That's amazing.

[46:58] 100 Harold Blooms for only $19.99.

Stuart Wellington

[47:01] And you know what, Elliot?

[47:02] You can impress that special lady in your life even more.

[47:06] Or whoever.

[47:07] I'm not going to require anything.

[47:09] No judgment.

[47:09] No, it's my wife.

[47:10] You can impress her even more by upgrading.

[47:12] You can add gourmet chocolates and a stuffed bear.

[47:16] Think Ewok.

[47:17] By just adding $9.99 more to your order.

[47:22] Okay?

[47:22] That's gourmet chocolates and an Ewok.

[47:25] I'm not going to do that math.

[47:27] So you just need to go to proflowers.com.

[47:29] That's like $30.

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] That's like $30.

Dan McCoy

[47:30] Yeah.

[47:31] And use the code FLOPHOUSE.

[47:33] Now, guys.

[47:33] That's proflowers.com code FLOPHOUSE.

Stuart Wellington

[47:36] Guys, one of the things I love about Pro Flowers is that they're a big supporter of podcasts.

[47:39] Mm-hmm.

[47:40] All kinds of podcasts.

[47:41] And, you know, right now they even have like a microphone button on their order page.

[47:45] Like it's built in.

[47:46] They love podcasts.

[47:46] So you can talk to the flowers.

[47:48] Yep.

[47:49] So this is also, you guys at home, this is your chance to show Pro Flowers and show your love of the Flophouse.

[47:57] So...

[47:57] This Valentine's Day, your real true love.

[47:59] The Flophouse podcast.

[48:01] Or your mom.

[48:02] Who knows?

[48:03] Whoever needs flowers in your life.

[48:04] Okay?

[48:05] So you just need to go to proflowers.com.

[48:07] You need to click on the blue microphone button in the top right corner.

[48:10] Yeah?

[48:10] Just look over there and click on it.

[48:12] Do it right now.

[48:13] And then type in the code FLOPHOUSE.

[48:16] F-L-O-P-H-O-U-S-E.

[48:19] One word?

[48:20] One word.

[48:21] One beautiful word.

[48:22] I'll tell you something.

Dan McCoy

[48:23] Guys like flowers too.

[48:24] I'll tell you that.

[48:25] We got some flowers from Pro Flowers.

[48:28] It's nice.

[48:29] Yeah, it was very nice.

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] Spruces up the place.

[48:31] Everyone knows guys like flowers.

[48:33] Guys like the famous painter George O'Keefe.

[48:35] Yeah.

[48:37] Oh, George.

[48:39] And his beautiful paintings of desert flowers and kettle skulls.

[48:43] I'll tell you this.

[48:44] I think I've said this before last time we had a Pro Flowers spot.

[48:47] I had a very positive experience with Pro Flowers.

[48:50] There was a problem with my delivery.

[48:51] Pro Flowers handled everything perfectly.

[48:53] They were great.

[48:55] 1-800-Flowers, which I also tried, was terrible.

[48:58] So Pro Flowers, you have earned my undying loyalty.

[49:01] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[49:02] Stuart, was there more to say?

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] Nope.

[49:04] Just go to proflowers.com.

[49:06] Click on the blue microphone.

[49:07] Use code FLOPHOUSE.

[49:08] All one word.

Dan McCoy

[49:09] I also wanted to say that this week, Flophouse is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform that makes building your own website simple and easy.

Stuart Wellington

[49:19] Not Squarespace.

[49:20] No.

[49:21] Not Squarespace.

[49:23] No.

Dan McCoy

[49:24] Not Squire Spuds.

[49:26] No.

[49:26] That's the one Spuds McKenzie was a squirt to a knight.

[49:29] These are all made-up websites, and some of them are made-up words.

[49:33] No.

[49:34] What about Squarespace?

[49:35] The spookiest web designer.

[49:37] Again, if you have the rights to tails from the crypt, that's the crypt keepers' startup concern.

[49:46] But no, we're talking about Squarespace.

[49:48] It makes it easy for you to have a website.

[49:50] Everyone should have a website these days, even you.

[49:53] Squarespace-

[49:54] Especially you.

[49:54] Has beautiful templates, integration with Google Apps and Getty Images, and responsive design.

[50:01] So for a free trial and 10% off your first order, go to squarespace.com and enter the code FLOP.

[50:10] Squarespace.

[50:11] So just FLOP.

Elliott Kalan

[50:13] Yeah, just FLOP.

[50:14] So it's Flophouse for Pro Flowers, FLOP for Squarespace.

[50:17] Yeah.

[50:19] Thanks for that reminder.

Stuart Wellington

[50:21] Two great companies.

[50:22] For those at home keeping score.

[50:23] Patronize them both.

[50:24] It's Elliot5, Dan7.

[50:27] What?

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] But it's like golf, right?

[50:29] And the lower score wins?

Stuart Wellington

[50:31] Don't worry, Dan keeps choosing A on the Radio Zork options, and that's getting him farther in the game.

[50:35] Oh, man.

John Hodgman

[50:42] Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food?

[50:46] Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his Phillies garb to a Colorado Rockies game?

[50:53] Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio?

[50:56] If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman.

[51:00] I heard all those cases already.

[51:03] Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman, adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the internet,

[51:10] and I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as,

[51:14] is a machine gun a robot, and is it okay to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage?

[51:21] Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice.

[51:28] Kind of two of the same thing, actually.

[51:30] Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind.

[51:34] I order it.

[51:35] Come visit the courtroom.

[51:36] It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[51:41] Next up on the docket is letters from listeners.

[51:46] Letters, but up!

[51:47] Let's go.

[51:48] Okay.

[51:50] Elliot certainly does.

[51:52] That is the you sufferer of letter songs.

Elliott Kalan

[51:56] I got up at 5.30 today.

Stuart Wellington

[51:58] So let's do this.

[51:59] Kids, am I right?

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] Speaking of kids, picks up microphone, walks in front of brick wall.

[52:04] Hey, any parents in the audience tonight?

[52:06] What's the deal with kids and candy?

[52:09] They love it.

[52:10] John Candy, I mean, star of Uncle Buck.

[52:12] And who's Harry Crumb?

[52:14] And of course, Delirious.

Stuart Wellington

[52:16] Who is Harry Crumb?

[52:18] Robert Crumb's brother.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] And Salacious Crumb's nephew.

[52:21] He committed suicide.

[52:22] It's very tragic.

[52:23] He's an uncle?

[52:25] I wish there was a market for a parody called Who is Salacious Crumb?

[52:30] Alas, there is not.

[52:32] All right.

[52:32] Well, anyway.

[52:33] Much in the way that my Lester Del Rey, Atlanta Del Rey joke has no audience.

[52:37] It's really obvious that we did some guest spots.

Stuart Wellington

[52:40] Star Wars movie at this week.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] So I actually forwarded this email to you guys a little while back, but I wanted to read

[52:46] it on the air.

[52:47] I'm going to tour it up.

[52:49] I wanted to read it on the air for reasons that are obvious.

[52:52] It's from Lou, last name of heaven.

[52:54] Dear Flophouse, Dan's the best.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] I love Dan.

[52:56] He's so handsome.

[52:57] He's like white Idris Elba.

Dan McCoy

[52:59] Or Idris Welba.

[53:02] Marcus Welba.

[53:04] It's Marcus Welba.

[53:05] It's Marcus Welba and Idris Elba put together.

[53:06] Okay.

[53:07] I am a very big fan from Denmark, and I would also like to thank you.

[53:11] 25 feet tall.

Elliott Kalan

[53:13] I don't know what you'd call a BFG.

[53:15] A big Flophouse giant.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] I would like to thank you for an amazing podcast.

[53:20] I'm not just a big fan.

[53:21] I'm also a good fan.

[53:23] I'm sorry.

[53:24] I'm also a good.

[53:25] I'm also a man.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] I'm also a good fan.

[53:28] So if you need to be cooled off, just ask me to come on by.

[53:31] I'm electric.

Stuart Wellington

[53:32] Shut up.

[53:32] Boogie woogie woogie.

[53:33] I describe myself as a fan first and a man second.

Elliott Kalan

[53:37] Both of them big.

[53:38] I call it a fan.

[53:39] It's a portmanteau of fan and man.

[53:41] I'm not.

[53:43] Or a fan in.

[53:45] Franz fan in, that is.

[53:47] The colonialist theorist.

Dan McCoy

[53:49] I'm not just a big fan starring Patton Oswalt.

[53:52] I'm also a good friend, a good friend of Mads Mikkelsen's daughter.

[53:56] I told Mads some time ago that you were mad about Mads and he got really surprised and happy and proud.

[54:03] Last time I saw him, he told me he'd listened to your podcast and thought it was really fun.

[54:07] He told me he's mad about you guys now too.

[54:10] So congratulations.

[54:11] You got a new fan in Mads Mikkelsen.

[54:12] Lou, last name withheld.

[54:13] Now Lou.

[54:14] Lou.

[54:14] If you were lying to us.

[54:15] If you are a fuck with us.

[54:16] If you are fucking catfishing us with us.

[54:18] Do not toy with our emotions, you piece of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[54:21] If you were lying to us, I will never forgive you.

[54:24] But if you're not lying, you are an angel.

[54:25] You are my favorite person ever.

[54:27] That's amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[54:28] But if you were lying to me, fuck you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:30] It would give me so much pleasure to know that somewhere Mads Mikkelsen approves of us.

Stuart Wellington

[54:37] If you are telling the truth, I need to know when your birthday is.

[54:39] Because I need to celebrate your birthday.

Dan McCoy

[54:41] As a holiday.

[54:42] What we need is a photo of Mads Mikkelsen holding up today's newspaper and a picture of the flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] Wait, like the day we recorded this?

[54:51] What?

[54:51] Any day.

[54:52] A picture of the flop house.

[54:54] We know it's not a picture.

[54:55] It's not an image of Mads Mikkelsen with a flop house from 100 years ago.

[55:02] Like a picture of his phone.

[55:03] It feels like, it seems like the day's newspaper is totally.

[55:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:07] It's only a newspaper that says Germany invades Poland or something.

[55:11] Like, is this in the future?

[55:12] What happens?

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] Okay.

[55:15] That would be the most amazing.

[55:17] I would be so excited if this is true.

[55:18] If it's not true, again, you're dead to me, Luke.

[55:21] But if it is true, that's amazing.

[55:23] I like, I feel like I want proof.

[55:25] I want some sort of proof.

[55:26] But I feel weird asking for proof when he's already done so much for us.

Stuart Wellington

[55:30] Yeah, like hairs, maybe underpants.

[55:31] Who cares?

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] No, too much.

[55:33] Normal stuff.

Dan McCoy

[55:34] Some sort of souvenir from the set of Hannibal.

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] He sent us a vial of blood.

[55:39] They got plenty of that around there.

Dan McCoy

[55:40] Send us some long pig or something.

[55:42] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[55:43] Wait, what's that?

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] Is that like a, huh?

[55:45] Wait, what?

[55:46] It's like a stretch limo for pigs.

[55:48] Yeah.

[55:48] It's like a pig stretch limo.

[55:50] So that would be, I cannot overstate how exciting and awesome that would be if it's true.

[55:55] But if it's not true, don't make me cry on air, okay?

[55:58] Don't patronize us with this Mad About Mads bullshit.

[56:00] Because we are so mad about Mads and we'll be mad at you, but not in the Mad About Mads way.

[56:06] I feel like that letter took me on a real emotional roller coaster.

[56:09] So many ups and downs.

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] It's like thinking he was not a murderer and then finding out he's totally a murderer.

Dan McCoy

[56:16] Like in No Good Deed, the movie.

[56:19] Oh, right.

[56:20] This one goes like this.

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] Can we start hanging out with Mads Mikkelsen?

[56:24] I don't know, man.

[56:25] I mean, I would be up for it.

[56:26] He's got a busy schedule, I'm sure.

[56:28] I mean, we didn't even talk about Hannibal.

[56:29] We could talk about Valhalla Rising or something.

Stuart Wellington

[56:31] Yeah, we're just talking about hanging out.

[56:33] I'm not talking about like...

[56:34] We're not marrying him.

[56:35] ...working out with him every day or something.

Elliott Kalan

[56:37] It doesn't have to be a regular thing.

[56:38] It's just like a one-time thing.

[56:39] I don't think we...

[56:40] Nobody has to know about it.

[56:41] Just like when he's in town, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[56:41] We could not keep up working out with Mads.

[56:43] He was a gymnast, man.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] No, he's in way better shape than we'll ever be.

Stuart Wellington

[56:46] Yeah.

[56:46] Maybe I could pick up a few moves off of him, though.

[56:49] Like the splits.

[56:50] Yeah, for your Gymkata competition.

Elliott Kalan

[56:52] Wait, there's competitions in Gymkata?

Stuart Wellington

[56:55] Yeah.

[56:55] I thought that was just the combination of the art of gymnastics.

Dan McCoy

[56:58] The thrill of gymnastics and the kill of karate.

[57:01] Yeah, that...

Stuart Wellington

[57:01] What Dan said.

[57:02] Yeah, they have competitions in it.

[57:03] Really?

Dan McCoy

[57:04] By the way, I don't even know that you'd kill people in karate.

[57:09] I mean, you do if you do it poorly.

[57:10] If you're doing it right.

Elliott Kalan

[57:11] If you use a gun, then yeah.

[57:15] Haven't you seen the karate kid?

Stuart Wellington

[57:17] At the end when he shoots that Cobra Kai kid?

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] So, Mads, please write in.

[57:22] So, uh...

[57:24] Or if you're in town, come by The Daily Show.

[57:26] Yeah, just come by.

Dan McCoy

[57:27] Yeah, if you...

[57:28] Or wherever I'm at.

[57:29] Just come by my house.

[57:31] Just use the Where's Stewart app.

[57:32] Stewart can probably get you free beers.

Elliott Kalan

[57:34] We can get you free tickets.

[57:35] I can certainly get you free beers.

[57:37] Like Mads Mikkelsen can't talk himself into a bar for free beers.

[57:40] Come on.

[57:40] All right.

[57:40] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] Coolest man in Denmark.

[57:43] So, this next one, this next letter, is on a topic that we've...

[57:49] It's so specific.

Elliott Kalan

[57:50] Yeah, because it could have been literally anything that there was one of.

[57:53] It's on a topic.

[57:54] The only thing we knew is it was not Siamese twins you were talking about.

[57:57] Sorry, conjoined twins.

Dan McCoy

[57:58] A topic we've already addressed tangentially in this episode.

[58:03] Zork.

[58:03] I've always felt great affection for the Crypt Keeper.

[58:06] But it feels like we never got to know him beyond what we could extrapolate from his brief introductory messages.

[58:12] What's he doing in his time off?

[58:14] How do you get the job of presenting these stories?

[58:17] Looking forward to your insights.

[58:18] Sincerely, Anton, last name withheld.

[58:20] LeVay.

Stuart Wellington

[58:22] I think he knows, Anton LeVay knows what's going on, Ellie.

[58:25] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:26] He's hanging out with the Crypt Keeper all the time.

[58:28] I mean, I assume that he spends most of his time off in the crypt just, like, being dead.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] Being dead, yeah.

[58:34] And then he's woken by passersby who want to hear spooky stories.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] I would imagine he got his job, I don't know, doing, like, working the stand-up circuit.

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[58:43] I mean, he's obviously been in the biz a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] Yeah, because he's like a desiccated corpse.

Dan McCoy

[58:48] I was going to say, because he's good at puns.

[58:51] Yeah, well, that was the thing.

[58:52] Like, it took a while for, like, pun-based humor to come back around.

[58:56] Still hasn't.

[58:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] If the angry looks like it at work for any indication.

Dan McCoy

[59:02] I like the idea that someone heard the Crypt Keeper doing his, like, entirely, like, pun-based stand-up routine,

[59:09] and they're like, I have a job for you.

[59:11] Introducing terrifying tales.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] Well, they tried to build an everybody loves Raymond type show around him, and it didn't quite work.

[59:20] Everyone loves Crypty.

[59:21] Everybody loves screaming.

Stuart Wellington

[59:25] Is that like screaming?

[59:27] It sounds kind of like screaming.

[59:29] That's not even a pun.

[59:31] It's just sound-alike.

[59:31] My new show, Mad About Boo.

[59:34] It's not even trying that hard.

[59:36] No, let's do it.

[59:37] It's not even, like, A-list material.

[59:39] Just the Dead of Us.

[59:41] Okay, that works.

[59:42] What is it, a parody of Just the Ten of Us?

[59:44] Yeah.

[59:45] So it's, like, super religious?

Dan McCoy

[59:46] My new show, The New Ghoul.

[59:49] But you're not a ghoul, Crypty.

[59:52] It's the new Dead Ventures of Old Christ Ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[59:59] Crypty, you know what?

[1:00:00] You gotta go back on the circuit and workshop this stuff.

[1:00:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:04] But, you know, as a horror host, Gold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:07] Oh, he's great.

[1:00:07] Now I want to see a new Crypt Keeper thing where he's, like, fat and out of shape, and he's not doing well, and he has to be coached back into doing puns well.

[1:00:14] I would love to see a...

Dan McCoy

[1:00:15] I mean, he's fat mostly because, like, there's gas floating.

[1:00:18] Because he's going through the process of decomposition, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:21] I would love to see, like, a Univision Spanish-language variety show, but hosted by the Crypt Keeper and Elvira.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:27] Historios stillos cryptos.

[1:00:28] Wouldn't that be amazing, though, right?

[1:00:29] Yeah, sure, that would be great.

[1:00:31] So Elvira and Crypt Keeper must hang out all the time.

[1:00:33] You would think, right?

[1:00:34] And talk about, like, what a bitch Vampyra was.

[1:00:36] Oh, my God.

[1:00:39] They must have, like, it's like the poker scene in, or they play Bridge.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:43] Once again, if you have the rights to this thing, we would love to be involved.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:46] It's like in Sunset Boulevard when Norma Desmond has her old Hollywood friends come over, and it's, like, Buster Keaton and HQ Warner and, like, Anna Nilsson, like, real stars of the silent era.

[1:00:56] Crypt Keeper and Elvira have a regular poker game, and it's, like, them and, who, like, Rod Serling's ghost?

[1:01:02] Yeah.

[1:01:04] And somebody else, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:05] Because that's scarier than normal Rod Serling.

[1:01:07] Because he's dead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:09] Wait, he's dead?

[1:01:09] He died, like, 20-some-odd years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:12] But then.

[1:01:12] But all the letters he's been sending back to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:15] Uh.

[1:01:15] Are there, like.

[1:01:16] Huh?

[1:01:16] Are there, like, does it have to be a horror host, or could, like, I don't know, like, Ronda Shear and Gilbert Godfrey drop by, too?

[1:01:22] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:22] I mean, Ronda Shear and Elvira are pretty close.

[1:01:24] Yeah.

[1:01:25] And Gilbert Godfrey is probably pretty free.

[1:01:29] Whoa.

[1:01:29] I mean, he's got a podcast.

[1:01:31] Yeah, that's a very popular podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:32] Just because he's not voicing any insurance ducks right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:35] Yeah, I'm just saying he's probably got some free time to be on a show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] Now, Dan, that makes, that is a good question.

[1:01:39] Who would you take?

[1:01:41] Elvira or Ronda Shear?

[1:01:42] Be honest.

[1:01:43] I would take Elvira.

[1:01:44] Okay, yeah.

[1:01:45] Come on.

[1:01:45] Yeah, I would do, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:46] I mean, it's mostly a brunette thing.

[1:01:49] But, uh.

[1:01:51] Yeah.

[1:01:52] But Ronda Shear, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:54] No, we're not.

[1:01:55] None of us are.

[1:01:56] No, no, we're not.

[1:01:57] This is not.

[1:01:58] Disparaging Ronda Shear.

[1:01:58] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:59] I just want to make sure this wasn't one of Stuart's hamburger steak situations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:04] Mmm, the hamburger steak.

[1:02:05] I could go for one of those.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] That sounds great.

[1:02:06] It's a steak bird.

[1:02:07] It's a steak on a bun.

[1:02:10] Okay, well, the last letter of the night.

[1:02:12] I've saved the best for last.

[1:02:14] I don't know.

[1:02:15] Although it's hard to top Mads Mikkelsen.

[1:02:16] It's hard to top Mads Mikkelsen being a fan.

[1:02:19] Or at least approving.

[1:02:21] So this letter goes a little something like this.

[1:02:23] It actually goes exactly like this.

[1:02:24] Because I'm reading it verbatim.

[1:02:26] Verbatim.

[1:02:26] Sure.

[1:02:27] Jonathan Fuller, Giorgio of Castle Freak here.

[1:02:31] Greatly looking forward to meeting Stuart, and Dan and Elliot, I hope, at the Alamo Drafthouse screening.

[1:02:38] I'll be there.

[1:02:38] Especially seeing, I'll be there too.

[1:02:40] Especially seeing it on a big screen.

[1:02:42] Your fans must be saying, it's about fucking time.

[1:02:45] Thanks for all the plugs.

[1:02:47] I only wish I got residuals off this film.

[1:02:49] Especially with the number of people you must have turned on to it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:52] How does he not?

[1:02:53] I don't know.

[1:02:54] That's shady contracting full moon productions.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:56] Not sad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:57] Charles Band.

[1:02:58] Pay it forward.

[1:02:59] Pay it backward.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:01] I guess backward, yeah.

[1:03:02] And for the record, no.

[1:03:04] Giorgio does not rip off his own ding dong.

[1:03:07] Oh, no.

[1:03:09] Straight from the freak's mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:11] Turn it off.

[1:03:11] I don't want people to hear this.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:12] It was Stuart Gordon's idea that Giorgio's mother has cut it off when he started showing signs of puberty

[1:03:17] while chained to the wall of his cell years before the action of the film begins.

[1:03:21] So you heard it here first.

[1:03:24] I'll be happy to share that or keep it a secret.

[1:03:26] So as not to ruin a good joke.

[1:03:29] Spoiled.

[1:03:30] Oh, man.

[1:03:31] I think this is going to be a lot of fun.

[1:03:32] I can't wait to meet you.

[1:03:33] Would love to hear from you beforehand.

[1:03:35] Best.

[1:03:36] Jonathan Fuller.

[1:03:37] The Freak.

[1:03:38] Very nice.

[1:03:39] Castle Freak.

[1:03:40] So he got in touch with you and not with Stuart?

[1:03:42] No, he got in touch through the website.

[1:03:44] Oh, I see.

[1:03:44] And I withheld it a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:47] So, Stuart, would you like to plug a certain event screening?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:50] Yeah, yeah.

[1:03:50] I was about to mention that.

[1:03:52] So on February 21st at the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers, New York, lovely Yonkers, New York,

[1:03:57] who have been very supportive of the Flophouse.

[1:03:59] Easy to get lost there.

[1:04:00] They're hosting – I'm going to be involved in hosting a screening with Jonathan Fuller of the movie Castle Freak.

[1:04:08] It's a rare 35-millimeter print.

[1:04:11] This is going to be a rare opportunity for you to get to see Castle Freak in the theater.

[1:04:16] I've never seen it in the theater.

[1:04:17] And the Castle Freak in the flesh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] Now, it was not released in theaters, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:20] It was not released in theaters.

[1:04:22] It was a video release.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:23] So this could possibly be the only 35-millimeter print there is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:26] Yeah, that's what I think.

[1:04:27] They screened it down in Texas back in October, and that's when Christina, the organizer from the Yonkers Theater,

[1:04:36] figured it out and set up this screening.

[1:04:38] So much love to Christina.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:39] So you're not even seeing this movie as it was meant to be seen by the director.

[1:04:42] You're seeing it better than it was ever meant to be seen.

[1:04:44] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:44] I mean, Stuart's already seen it as it was meant to be seen by the director in the basement somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:49] With himself inventing scenes.

[1:04:52] I think I've seen it on VHS, DVD, and Blu-ray.

[1:04:55] So I'm very excited about it.

[1:04:56] And you acted it out with that action figure that you got.

[1:04:59] Yep.

[1:05:00] Well, I'm going to get that action figure autographed by Jonathan Fuller.

[1:05:03] So if you are in the New York area or even not and feel like making a trip, please come down.

[1:05:09] You'll get a chance to BS with the Flophouse and some other folks, including Jonathan Fuller.

[1:05:17] Giorgio himself.

[1:05:18] Giorgio himself.

[1:05:19] So you can ask him why he crushed all of my dreams.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:24] Ding-dong dreams.

[1:05:26] And champagne wishes.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:27] And as long as we're doing plugs, I just quickly want to say on February the 19th, I'm doing two things.

[1:05:38] At six o'clock.

[1:05:40] That's very cryptic.

[1:05:41] Two public things.

[1:05:42] Well, I'm getting to them.

[1:05:43] At six o'clock at the New York Public Performing Arts Library at Lincoln Center, I'll be part of a panel talking about 10 years of Channel 101 New York.

[1:05:55] And that's free to the public, but you have to reserve seats.

[1:05:58] And then at 9.30, I'll be doing improv as part of the daily show, writers and staffers improv show at the UCB Theater.

[1:06:06] I'll just toss up some links to that on our website.

[1:06:09] So February 19th, two ways to see me, if you so choose.

[1:06:14] A duo of Dan.

[1:06:16] A duo?

[1:06:17] Yeah, Dan two ways.

[1:06:18] If it was on Top Chef, that's how they would present it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] This is a deconstructed Dan.

[1:06:22] It's a beard, a sweater, and a tumbler of scotch on a plate.

[1:06:27] A picture of some wife's butt.

[1:06:30] Some wife's.

[1:06:31] I don't have any personal appearances to plug, but as long as we're plugging things.

[1:06:36] I'll plug my.

[1:06:37] I'll plug this butt.

[1:06:40] Nope.

[1:06:40] No, come on.

[1:06:41] Stop.

[1:06:42] Come on.

[1:06:43] I'll continue.

[1:06:44] I'll plug my continuing series from Marvel, Spider-Man, and the X-Men.

[1:06:48] Issue two came out this month.

[1:06:50] Which was great.

[1:06:51] Or this last month, January.

[1:06:51] It was great.

[1:06:52] Thank you very much.

[1:06:53] And the next issue will come out in February.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:56] Are there going to be any panels as viral as the panel from your last episode?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:00] If anyone has seen the panel of Sauron telling Spider-Man, I don't want to cure cancer.

[1:07:05] I want to turn people into dinosaurs.

[1:07:06] It's from my book, Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[1:07:08] So buy that stuff.

[1:07:09] Copyright Elliot Kalin.

[1:07:10] Not exactly.

[1:07:11] So buy that thing.

[1:07:12] You laughed at it when it was on Imgur or Tumblr or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:15] Every time it gets retumbled, you get like a nickel, right?

[1:07:18] I get nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:21] But if you liked that tweet that you saw on everybody's Twitter feed, pick up the next issue, issue three,

[1:07:26] or go back and pick up the last two issues, issues one and two.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:29] And I want to say, as long as we're plugging things, let's plug our network.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:33] You kind of had to plug.

[1:07:35] No, no, no.

[1:07:36] Remember there was a time when I didn't have things to plug, guys?

[1:07:38] I'm plugging.

[1:07:39] I'm very proud of you, sir.

[1:07:40] You've come along with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:40] Well, on behalf of all of us, we should toss out a plug for our wonderful podcasting network,

[1:07:46] MaximumFun.org, where there are a lot of great podcasts.

[1:07:51] Two of my personal favorites, Jordan and Jesse Go, which was kind enough to have me on a couple

[1:07:56] times, and my brother, my brother and me, who were kind enough to say some very nice things

[1:08:03] about us in the last podcast.

[1:08:04] That is very nice.

[1:08:05] And I feel like if you like our show, like...

[1:08:09] You'll like their shows.

[1:08:10] They're like...

[1:08:10] Yeah, it's a very similar show.

[1:08:12] Like, our show about bad movies, but not really, just about bullshit.

[1:08:17] Their show is about advice, but not really.

[1:08:19] It's mostly about bullshit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:20] And I'm a huge fan of their sister show that's also on our network, The Adventure Zone, which

[1:08:25] is the three of those guys and their dad playing D&D.

[1:08:30] As a huge D&D fan and a big gamer myself, it's just super awesome to hear those guys just goof

[1:08:36] around and hear the adventures of Merle, Magnus Burnside, and Taco the Elf.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:45] Hey, what about Judge John Hodgman?

[1:08:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:47] That's a great podcast, too.

[1:08:48] My buddy, John Hodgman, of the Mustache and the Wisdom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:53] So we can check out...

[1:08:54] Yeah, I guess that's the name of what?

[1:08:56] His bar?

[1:08:57] Yeah.

[1:08:58] The Mustache and Wisdom?

[1:08:59] That's his pub?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:00] But there's a lot of great podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

[1:09:03] Bullseye, Lady to Lady, One Bad Mother, Risk, Song Exploder, Wham Bam Pow, a lot more.

[1:09:09] So check it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:10] We have recommended all these podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:12] We don't have to do it for a while, right?

[1:09:14] Wow, wow.

[1:09:14] We just checked out that podcast.

[1:09:15] You're acting as if it's like a fucking...

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] It's not a chore, Stuart.

[1:09:18] We do it because we like it, and yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:21] So moving on to our final segment of the evening, recommendations, movies we saw that we actually

[1:09:26] liked, unlike...

[1:09:28] If you made it this far, just keep listening.

[1:09:30] I don't even remember what the name of the movie was.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] It was called One Good Deed, the story of a piece of real estate and a very well-written

[1:09:36] legal ownership document.

[1:09:38] It's the sequel to Mr. Deeds.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:41] Elliot.

[1:09:42] And it's all about...

[1:09:43] It's an alternate reality where Mr. Deeds goes evil, so there's no good deeds in this

Dan McCoy

[1:09:48] universe.

[1:09:49] I getcha.

[1:09:50] I get it.

[1:09:50] Do you want to recommend something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:52] Yes, I do want to recommend something.

[1:09:54] How handy, since that's part of the segment.

[1:09:56] Now, there were times when we were watching No Good Deeds when we said, is this really a

[1:09:59] movie?

[1:09:59] I'd like to recommend a movie I enjoyed, but while watching it, you might also ask, is

[1:10:03] this really a movie?

[1:10:05] And that movie is a movie called...

[1:10:06] So it's a qualified recommendation.

[1:10:08] That movie is Roma, which is a later Federico Fellini movie.

[1:10:11] And a type of tomato.

[1:10:13] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:10:15] But Roma is kind of his portrait of the Rome he knows.

[1:10:19] So there isn't a plot so much as there's a series of vignettes that are kind of loosely

[1:10:24] connected around the idea of his experiences of Rome.

[1:10:27] And there are a few segments in it that I find, I think, are really fantastic.

[1:10:31] There's a beautiful one where they go to see, this film crew goes to see the subway that's

[1:10:36] being constructed under Rome, and they hear about how they have to keep changing the path

[1:10:40] of the trains, because there's so much history buried under Rome's streets that they keep

[1:10:44] hitting archaeological sites.

[1:10:45] And they make their way into a...

[1:10:48] They discover this room full of these beautiful ancient Roman frescoes.

[1:10:52] Yeah, like national treasure.

[1:10:53] Yeah, exactly.

[1:10:55] And tragically, the frescoes are not long for this world.

[1:10:59] There are some other segments that are really interesting, even though they go on a little

[1:11:02] too long.

[1:11:03] There's one where it's supposed to give you the impression of what it's like to drive

[1:11:06] into Rome on the highway.

[1:11:07] And it's this kind of long nightmare of chaos and confusion.

[1:11:12] There are other segments that don't work quite as well.

[1:11:14] There's a clergy fashion show later in the film that I find too obvious and boring.

[1:11:21] So I would say feel free when you're watching Roma to use the fast forward button if you

[1:11:26] want to at times.

[1:11:27] It's a movie that is best, I think, treated as a buffet to sample.

[1:11:31] But there's a lot of really great stuff in it.

[1:11:33] It feels a lot like flipping through Federico Fellini's sketchbook, looking at half-formed ideas

[1:11:39] or sequences that he didn't have another place for.

[1:11:41] But there's a lot of really good stuff in it, including perhaps the most frightening scene

[1:11:45] of men hiring prostitutes that I've ever seen, where the men are just in kind of this dank

[1:11:49] basement and the prostitutes parade in front of them, yelling at them, why are you not hiring

[1:11:53] me?

[1:11:54] Are you men?

[1:11:55] Come on, pick me up, hire me.

[1:11:56] And it was, all I could think was, I'm so glad I'm not in that brothel.

[1:12:02] Not that I am a frequenter of brothels, but that's especially one I don't want to be in.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:06] Well, while we're recommending movies that are barely movies, I would like to recommend

[1:12:11] the movie Happy Christmas.

[1:12:13] It's a mumblecore movie by Joe Swanberg.

[1:12:16] And that movie is an experiment, almost, I feel like, in, can we make a movie with the

[1:12:21] minimum amount of conflict?

[1:12:24] And the basic...

[1:12:25] It's even looser than my previous recommendation, Drinking Buddies by Joe Swanberg.

[1:12:29] Yeah, well, Drinking Buddies, I feel like, like, that has a real conflict of, like, what

[1:12:33] do you do when you're best...

[1:12:34] You run out of drinks.

[1:12:36] Well, what do you do when you...

[1:12:37] You should buy more beer, dude.

[1:12:38] What do you do when you're involved with someone, but your best friend is also, like...

[1:12:44] Yeah, there's, like, built-in tension.

[1:12:45] There's, like, a romantic tension.

[1:12:48] Like, this movie, there's very little conflict.

[1:12:51] It's basically a, um, this...

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:55] What's her name from that singing movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:57] Well, this gentleman...

[1:12:59] Julie Andrews?

[1:13:01] There's a couple...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:02] She can be in the movie, if you put a picture of Julie Andrews on the TV.

[1:13:04] Oh, no, stop him.

[1:13:06] There's a couple...

[1:13:06] Somebody put a bag on his face.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:09] With a young baby and the father...

[1:13:12] As opposed to the old babies.

[1:13:14] And the father's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:15] This elderly baby from Benjamin Button.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:18] And the father's...

[1:13:20] Doesn't get a lot of work.

[1:13:20] Oh, God.

[1:13:21] It's a gross baby.

[1:13:22] It's such a simple premise.

[1:13:23] I was talking about how simple it is.

[1:13:24] Then why are you having so much trouble?

[1:13:26] This guy's sister moves back in briefly with this couple.

[1:13:32] And the sister's a bit of a ne'er-do-well.

[1:13:35] A bit directionless following a breakup.

[1:13:38] Kind of a screw-up.

[1:13:40] And there's just sort of minor conflict with her living with this family.

[1:13:44] Like Frances Ha?

[1:13:47] I thought there was a fairly major conflict in Frances Ha.

[1:13:49] I don't actually see Frances Ha.

[1:13:50] Frances Ha's a good movie.

[1:13:52] But it stars...

[1:13:55] What's her face?

[1:13:57] Anna Kendrick.

[1:13:58] Did you see this movie?

[1:14:00] Anna Kendrick is the woman who moves in with the couple.

[1:14:05] And Melanie...

[1:14:05] She sings that song in that movie.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:07] When I'm gone.

[1:14:09] When I'm gone.

[1:14:09] That one.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:10] Let it go.

[1:14:11] Let it go.

[1:14:12] No.

[1:14:12] She did not.

[1:14:13] That's Indina Menzel.

[1:14:14] Just let it all go.

[1:14:14] Know yourself at home.

[1:14:16] No, that's Oliver from the movie Oliver.

[1:14:18] Well, that's Arthur Dodger, actually.

[1:14:21] Tradition.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:22] No, that's...

[1:14:23] This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

[1:14:27] That's Prince.

[1:14:27] That's a Prince song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:29] Wow, he sings his own guitar licks.

[1:14:31] I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:32] That's how they sound so good.

[1:14:33] But I like...

Dan McCoy

[1:14:33] Moving right along.

[1:14:34] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[1:14:35] I like Anna Kendrick a lot.

[1:14:37] And I like Melanie Linsky a lot, who plays the young mother and the sister-in-law to Anna Kendrick.

[1:14:44] Okay.

[1:14:45] Both really strong actresses.

[1:14:48] And this is...

[1:14:48] It's just a likable movie.

[1:14:50] A movie that's very pleasant to watch.

[1:14:54] And there's something to be said for that.

[1:14:57] There's something to be said for spending 90 minutes...

[1:14:59] Sure, enjoy yourself.

[1:15:00] In the company of likable people who don't necessarily have huge problems, but the problems that they do have are relatable ones.

[1:15:08] Yeah, treat yourself.

[1:15:09] Yeah, go ahead.

[1:15:10] Why has life always got to be a hassle, you know?

[1:15:12] You've earned it.

[1:15:13] Thanks, guys.

[1:15:14] Thanks, guys, for only interrupting me every two seconds.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:20] That's what we do.

[1:15:21] We've had a couple of base hits tonight, guys.

[1:15:23] I'm going to give you a home run.

[1:15:27] I'm going to recommend a movie from earlier this year.

[1:15:29] This is going to continue my trend of recommending movies that feature sci-fi movies that feature doubles of people.

[1:15:37] Spoiler alert.

[1:15:38] I'm going to recommend a movie called Coherence.

[1:15:40] Okay.

[1:15:41] Which is a micro-budget movie that begins with a...

[1:15:46] The budget was a shoe.

[1:15:47] Yep.

[1:15:48] And they had to chop that shoe up and trade it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:51] I guess one inch of film.

[1:15:53] I'll take it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:55] It begins with eight friends sitting around a house that is the primary setting of the movie that are having a dinner party while a celestial event is going on.

[1:16:06] There's a comet passing very close to Earth.

[1:16:09] And it...

[1:16:10] And the power goes out and then a number of other inexplicable things begin to happen.

[1:16:18] And it's a movie that deals with a small group of friends dealing with the seemingly impossible very well.

[1:16:27] There's some great performances and it's a great little sci-fi movie done on a very small scale that manages to mix the strange and the impossible with...

[1:16:38] Also with normal drama and passion that you could see in anybody's everyday life.

[1:16:45] And then it deals with some very interesting consequences of people's actions.

[1:16:51] Now I am warning you, it does feature the guy who played Xander from Buffy.

[1:16:57] Why is that a warning?

[1:16:58] I don't know whether it's a feature.

[1:16:59] Well, you know, I mean, I don't...

[1:17:02] Whatever.

[1:17:03] So the...

[1:17:04] I mean, there's...

[1:17:06] The movie's not...

[1:17:06] Is that a trigger warning?

[1:17:07] I will say...

[1:17:08] I think it's a great movie.

[1:17:09] It does feature a lot of improv acting.

[1:17:13] And it does feature a lot of like kind of shaky, out-of-focus camera work, which can be distracting.

[1:17:18] It's similar to some Mumblecore movies.

[1:17:21] And weirdly enough, I think the thing that was most distracting is the lead actress is very beautiful.

[1:17:29] And that made...

[1:17:29] It was kind of distracting for a movie that for every other purpose was like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:34] Your cast in masturbation while you're watching it.

[1:17:36] But like in a way like...

[1:17:37] It just took you out of that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:39] In a way it kind of does, right?

[1:17:40] And it also makes you feel as bad for her.

[1:17:45] It is a little harder to be sympathetic for beautiful people.

[1:17:48] But I thought it was great.

[1:17:50] Like Idris Elba.

[1:17:51] I think...

[1:17:52] Kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:53] Because Idris Elba, no matter...

[1:17:54] Even when he's getting shot, you're like, he'll be fine.

[1:17:57] He's going to work his way out of this one.

[1:17:58] He's amazing.

[1:17:59] Probably bust off his obsidian skin.

[1:18:00] Are those fucking pecs?

[1:18:01] He's just got a blink at a...

[1:18:03] Wink at a nurse and she's all over him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:05] But...

[1:18:06] And Coherence...

[1:18:07] The movie's Coherence came out earlier this year.

[1:18:09] I think the website Screen Crush featured in its top 25 sci-fi movies of the last 25 years.

[1:18:17] I think it's worth your time.

[1:18:19] So...

[1:18:20] So you guys...

Dan McCoy

[1:18:21] Elliot's barely muffled yawn means that...

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:23] You guys both did kind of like micro-budget Momogor movies and I went with the master of spectacle, Fellini.

[1:18:30] Yeah.

[1:18:31] Interesting balance.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:34] So...

[1:18:34] It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

[1:18:38] Very easy to say goodbye.

[1:18:39] But it's time to do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:41] Yeah, you just say it, dude.

[1:18:42] Chill out.

[1:18:42] Just say it.

[1:18:42] Come on.

[1:18:43] Shit.

[1:18:44] Goodbye.

[1:18:45] You're being clingy.

[1:18:47] It's very unattractive.

[1:18:48] Okay.

[1:18:49] I was ready for a second date until this started up.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] Yeah.

[1:18:52] Now I'm not so sure.

[1:18:53] Boy, don't I know it.

[1:18:55] So, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:18:58] You have been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:00] Think about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:02] And Shudder.

[1:19:03] Should I stand in the corner and think about it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:07] Yeah, why not?

[1:19:08] Stand in the corner, face the wall, wait for the Blair Witch to totally chop your head off.

[1:19:12] Or whatever the fuck she does.

[1:19:13] Is that what she does?

[1:19:14] She chops it off with like, this crazy karate chop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:21] If the movie had ended with just a hand going, hi-ya!

[1:19:26] And then the camera goes black, I would have liked that movie.

[1:19:29] Like a Miss Piggy karate chop that acts like a flying guillotine.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:35] All right, we're signing off.

[1:19:36] Who have you been, Stuart?

[1:19:37] I am always, forever, darling.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:40] I'll be Stuart while I didn't.

[1:19:42] And in the role of Elliot Kalin, Donald Logue.

[1:19:46] Oh, wow.

[1:19:47] So slightly racist.

[1:19:49] Nope, just Elliot Kalin this time.

[1:19:51] Just joking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:52] Wait, why is Donald Logue?

[1:19:53] Donald Logue plays a racist in The Patriot.

[1:19:56] So you're saying he's racist in the movie?

[1:19:57] That's the only movie I know him from.

[1:19:59] I can only assume.

[1:20:02] I am a human being that's only seen one movie.

[1:20:05] I think it's real life, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:09] You're a delightful actor, Donald Logue.

[1:20:11] I love Terriers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:13] We get it, dude.

[1:20:14] Stop plugging Terriers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:16] It's over, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:18] Terriers is not happening.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:20] It's Terriers season two.

[1:20:21] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] There's an old saying, if you love something, let it go, because it's Terriers and it's over.

[1:20:26] Six seasons and a movie.

[1:20:27] Good night, everyone.

[1:20:30] Terriers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:35] Instead of talking about a movie, let's talk about Dan's personal stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:39] That was understandable.

[1:20:40] Yeah, it was just grumpy.

[1:20:41] Like a cat.

[1:20:42] Was somebody mean to you on the subway?

[1:20:44] And Stuart was Doc.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:46] What?

[1:20:46] That's cool.

[1:20:47] Was somebody mean to you on the subway, Dan?

[1:20:48] Yeah, man.

[1:20:49] Is that what it was?

[1:20:49] Did somebody fuck up?

[1:20:50] Did some sandwich artist fuck up your sandwich?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:52] One of those kids who said it was showtime kicked me in the face.

[1:20:55] Oh, no.

[1:20:57] That's not a good show.

[1:20:58] Yeah.

[1:20:58] I give that show very poor reviews.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:03] Welcome to the Lady to Lady show.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:06] Behind door number one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart, Shredda, and more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:12] Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever,

[1:21:18] the kind of games that remind you of being a kid.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:20] Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday.

[1:21:24] You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:27] Now pick a door.

[1:21:28] Just kidding.

[1:21:29] They're not real because we're a podcast.

[1:21:31] You're all winners.

[1:21:32] And we didn't really think this through.

[1:21:34] Lady to Lady.

Episode #171 - No Good Deed

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