Ep. #178 - 50 Shades of Grey

[0:00] On this episode, we subject ourselves to the pain and punishment of Fifty Shades of Grey.

[0:31] Hey everyone, it's the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] Yeah, we are. We are the Flophouse, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] And I complete the trio of flavors known as the Flophouse.

[0:43] Elliot Kalin is the name.

[0:44] The Neapolitan ice cream that is the Flophouse.

[0:46] From Monopoly.

[0:47] I call chocolate.

[0:48] Uh, I'll be vanilla, and you...

[0:51] Yeah, how gracious of you to take the one everyone knew you were gonna be.

[0:55] No, I mean, I'm not. I mean, I know there are connotations for vanilla, I just don't want to get stuck with strawberry.

[1:00] Strawberry?

[1:01] Strawberry.

[1:02] Strawberry.

[1:03] Strawberry.

[1:05] Okay, I'll take it. I'll be strawberry.

[1:07] Okay, so what do we do on this ice cream-based podcast?

[1:10] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then, for the enjoyment of your ears, we talk about it.

[1:17] And maybe, or unless you're one of those people who listens by putting something against their jaw and feeling the vibrations that way.

[1:23] It's called synesthesia.

[1:24] Or...

[1:25] And that's not what that means.

[1:26] Perhaps, like the people in this movie we watched, you wrap the earbuds tightly around your genitals.

[1:33] Yep.

[1:34] I don't remember anyone wrapping...

[1:35] It's called rap music, and it's catching on.

[1:38] In a big way.

[1:40] I tried this rap music, and I did not enjoy it.

[1:42] Whatever, grandma.

[1:46] Um, so this is a...

[1:48] Wait, so...

[1:49] I thought all grandmas were rap and granny.

[1:51] No, the rap and granny actually passed away recently.

[1:53] Well, there was more than one. I mean...

[1:55] Uh, in our hearts, there's only one from Billy Man...

[1:58] We were going to wait until the end, which is do an in-memoriam section, but I guess we'll do it now.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:03] Dear rap and granny, you touched our hearts.

[2:06] And our funny bones.

[2:07] You touched our ears.

[2:08] And occasionally our funny bones, yeah.

[2:10] Um, is that it?

[2:12] That's it. That's a whole... Is that it? Is that... Yeah.

[2:15] I thought there was going to be some sort of...

[2:17] No, save that little joke for my eulogy, Dan.

[2:22] And I... As I look at Stuart's body, I just think, is that it?

[2:27] We don't get more?

[2:28] Is that all there is to a Stuart?

[2:30] Is that all there is?

[2:32] Is a soul only seven bodies?

[2:35] I totally want to see Dan... I don't want to see you die, Stuart.

[2:38] But I do want to see Dan's celebrity, all-star eulogy of Stuart Wellington.

[2:42] Where it's just... He's just standing next to the casket, and he's like,

[2:46] Well, who's this to talk about Stuart?

[2:49] It's Michael Caine, everybody.

[2:53] I told Stuart to blow the bloody doors off.

[2:57] And he just rakes down crying.

[3:01] By all accounts, Stuart was terrible.

[3:04] But the house that he paid for was beautiful.

[3:07] So Stuart is Jaws 4.

[3:10] Stuart's is Jaws 4, in this scenario.

[3:12] So Dan, we already got way off track.

[3:15] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:17] Tonight we watched a little movie called 50 Shades of Grey.

[3:26] Spank, spank, spank sounds. Sex sounds.

[3:29] Let me just tell you how I felt about this movie.

[3:31] 50 Shades of Great is not how I would describe it.

[3:36] Maybe I should have finished that sentence.

[3:38] Or not phrased it so...

[3:39] I would say 50 Shades of Grey.

[3:41] I was counting the shades, and there were 47 at most.

[3:44] Well, one of the problems was the lack of shades.

[3:46] It promised a certain number of shades.

[3:48] We didn't see them all.

[3:50] Okay, well let's get to the meat of this meat pie.

[3:55] Let's get past the peas and the...

[3:58] I'm guessing some kind of starch.

[4:00] Yeah, the crust and potatoes.

[4:02] Oh yeah, like the little blocks of potatoes.

[4:04] Like little potato cubes.

[4:05] Yeah, potato blocks.

[4:06] It's a toy that kids get.

[4:07] Stack them, whack them, put them in a box.

[4:10] Potato blocks.

[4:11] Jack them.

[4:13] Shellack them.

[4:16] Potato blocks.

[4:17] Yep, crack them.

[4:18] You can't crack a potato block.

[4:20] Not on my watch.

[4:22] Potato blocks, the only toy that'll...

[4:23] You're under arrest.

[4:28] Wait, was that police car like laughing?

[4:31] It was a British police car.

[4:32] It was a police car that was being driven by Muttley from Wacky Racers.

[4:38] I'm just going to say my tagline.

[4:39] Potato blocks, the only toy that'll be covered in ants in a week.

[4:44] Now, everyone knows Fifty Shades of Grey, the inspiring true story behind it,

[4:49] how a little underdog piece of Twilight S&M fan fiction

[4:54] took the world by storm and became a publishing bestseller.

[4:58] And I think...

[4:59] Introduced bored ladies across the world to the pleasures of spanking.

[5:05] Of being tied up and spanked.

[5:06] We're not always bored.

[5:07] I think...

[5:08] I think mostly bored.

[5:09] I think non-bored ladies already knew about the pleasures of spanking.

[5:12] Okay.

[5:14] Well, Dan's making an assumption.

[5:16] I'm making an ass out of you and me.

[5:19] Which is great, because this is all about butts, this movie.

[5:21] It's Dan's favorite film.

[5:22] Now, Dan, do you...

[5:24] I was going to say, I think the world's reaction to the book

[5:27] can be summed up by my sister's experience.

[5:29] My sister, I remember saying,

[5:31] well, I read the first two books, I didn't like them,

[5:34] but I guess I'll read the third one too.

[5:36] See, I will go one better than that,

[5:39] which was my wife was like,

[5:40] I read the first book, didn't like it,

[5:42] but it's got to get hot in the second book, right?

[5:45] Read the second book and was like,

[5:46] okay, well, that's where I stop.

[5:48] They must be saving the hot stuff for book three.

[5:50] Fool me twice.

[5:52] Shame on, I guess, the person who wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.

[5:56] Let's say Jenny Grey.

[5:58] Yeah.

[5:59] Now, and of course, the really hot stuff.

[6:01] Lady Grey.

[6:02] Jennifer Grey should not be ashamed of anything,

[6:04] especially her nose.

[6:05] It was written by her father, Earl Grey.

[6:08] Oh, no kidding.

[6:09] Of the British nobility.

[6:10] We were on vacation.

[6:11] I distinctly remember my wife being like,

[6:13] okay, so when does it get sexy?

[6:16] It's got to get sexy any moment now, right?

[6:18] You were like, skip to the end.

[6:20] Well, I think that she was like,

[6:21] I mean, she found it compelling.

[6:23] On the last page, it just says,

[6:24] then we did it, the end.

[6:26] The writing was super terrible,

[6:27] but she found it compelling enough to just keep going,

[6:30] but it never got transgressive

[6:33] in the way that she kind of assumed it would.

[6:36] Grandmas and badgers, that kind of thing?

[6:38] No, it just never, like,

[6:39] the reputation of it, I think,

[6:41] is greater than the actual material.

[6:44] Well, because here's the thing.

[6:45] I think, like you're saying,

[6:46] it was for a lot of people who are very non...

[6:49] Vanilla?

[6:50] Yeah, very vanilla lives.

[6:51] To borrow my flavor?

[6:52] Very Dan McCoy lives,

[6:53] and not the lives that maybe we follow,

[6:56] which is as sophisticated New York perverts.

[6:59] We're a bunch of cosmopolitan...

[7:00] Pansexual...

[7:02] Yeah, we're attracted to pans.

[7:04] We have sex with all sorts of pans,

[7:06] cookie pans...

[7:08] Yeah, we usually go to nightclubs

[7:10] that are frequented by businessmen

[7:12] and women step on scorpions for our amusement.

[7:16] Yep, if it's...

[7:17] They pierce them with their high heels.

[7:19] Yeah, it's just geishas throwing hedgehogs at each other.

[7:23] Basically, if Chris Claremont

[7:25] would send Storm of the X-Men there,

[7:27] that's where we go in our spare time.

[7:29] Some place where someone will control our mind

[7:31] and force us to dress up in leather

[7:33] and then, I guess, fight each other.

[7:36] But then we all have really terribly done

[7:39] ethnic accents from different parts of the world.

[7:42] Cajun, Irish, that sort of thing.

[7:44] Speaking of great accents,

[7:45] this movie has one in space.

[7:48] I'm going to level to the plot in a minute,

[7:50] but let's talk about the strengths and weaknesses.

[7:52] Strengths, butts.

[7:53] Yeah, there's a lot of butts in this movie.

[7:55] Weaknesses, very bad accent on the main character's part.

[7:59] Also, the movie is about as sexy as a Driver's Ed film,

[8:03] but continue.

[8:04] But there's one of our sister podcasts

[8:06] on the Max Fund Network.

[8:08] Jordan Jessy Go actually has talked a lot about

[8:11] how the accent that European people put on

[8:16] when they try and do an American accent.

[8:20] It's kind of their version of the

[8:22] ello, govna, ah, ah, oh that we do

[8:24] when we try to do an English accent.

[8:25] Yeah, and this film has a doozy

[8:27] because Christian Grey is an Irishman

[8:29] who is trying to sound American

[8:31] and he would talk kind of like this.

[8:34] This is the way he talks.

[8:36] He's very American.

[8:38] It's similar to in Monty Python episodes

[8:41] whenever they're playing American characters,

[8:42] they would over-enunciate all their R's

[8:46] and other letters at the end of words.

[8:49] I remember watching that as a teenager

[8:50] and being like,

[8:51] that's what we sound like to British people, huh?

[8:53] We're just over-enunciating the shit

[8:54] out of all of our letters.

[8:56] Which is weird because I would assume

[8:57] that the Brits are the over-enunciators.

[9:00] Except at the ends of their words, they don't.

[9:02] The letter R at the end of a word

[9:04] they must never say.

[9:06] Like, I know where this sentence is headed.

[9:08] We all know what this word sounds like.

[9:10] Let's just cut to the chase.

[9:11] Save a little time.

[9:13] Yeah, we're so busy over here.

[9:15] That's how we can stop for tea every day.

[9:18] There's scones that need to be buttered

[9:20] and marmaladed.

[9:21] Speaking of buttered, Dan,

[9:24] Yeah, I get this movie

[9:25] on a scale of one to butts.

[9:28] Five butts?

[9:30] Look, as someone who enjoyed the

[9:32] Ask someone.

[9:33] As someone who enjoyed the sitcom

[9:35] Ben and Kate.

[9:36] As someone who enjoyed the sitcom

[9:37] Butt House.

[9:38] And thought that

[9:39] A family of butts just trying to make it

[9:41] in the big city.

[9:42] Dakota Johnson was very charming

[9:43] in Ben and Kate.

[9:44] I was like, yeah, sure.

[9:45] I enjoy that her butt is in this movie.

[9:47] And boy, is there a lot of it.

[9:49] And there's one scene in particular

[9:50] that I find

[9:51] When you take a trip to South Dakota

[9:53] That's her butt.

[9:56] That's what it's labeled as on the map.

[9:58] Clever.

[9:59] You're welcome.

[10:00] You get the Pulitzer Prize for butt jokes 2015.

[10:06] I guess I'll dedicate this to Dan.

[10:08] Thank you.

[10:10] Dan was the favorite too. That's the thing.

[10:12] You pulled through in the end.

[10:14] I'm more of an aficionado than...

[10:16] I respect it too much to make light of the subject.

[10:19] I see. There's one shot in the movie where...

[10:23] where Anastasia, the main Dakota Johnson's character...

[10:26] Anastasia Steele.

[10:28] Anastasia Steele is tied up and about to be...

[10:32] hit with a riding crop.

[10:34] She's about to be hit on the butt with a riding crop.

[10:36] And the way the shot is framed, her butt is enormous.

[10:39] And Christian Grey is in the somewhat background.

[10:41] It's a very forced perspective.

[10:43] And it looks like a tiny man is being confronted by a giant butt.

[10:48] It's supposed to be sexy.

[10:50] But again, it seemed like something out of a Terry Gilliam movie.

[10:53] It seems like a dream of how I might die someday.

[10:57] Like this is the kind of forced perspective that used to be.

[10:59] Like a butt's going to start blowing like a smoked fucking airship or something.

[11:03] Or just like a tiny spaceship with land on it, you know.

[11:06] Anyway, gives a whole new meaning to the word moon.

[11:09] Anyway, moving on.

[11:11] So let's talk, tell the story of this sexual tale of sexual sex.

[11:14] It won't take that long.

[11:15] It's surprising this was an over two hour movie, yet there's not a lot of story in it.

[11:18] So Anastasia Steele is your normal literature student.

[11:22] Your normal mousy college student.

[11:24] Kind of a mousy brown haired college student.

[11:26] Never been kissed.

[11:28] Yep, yep.

[11:30] And by kissed I mean fucked.

[11:33] But no, she's a virgin in this before she engages in all manner of deviant sexual acts.

[11:40] Yeah, well it's her very innocence that probably attracts the sexual predator known as Christian Grey.

[11:45] Because you see, her roommate Kate, who is supposed to interview the 27-year-old billionaire Christian Grey.

[11:52] Or I assume he was a billionaire.

[11:55] Let's say zillionaire and leave it at that.

[11:58] Because he's got zillions of dollars.

[12:00] He's one of those wealthy businessmen in movies who can just buy whatever.

[12:03] Like it's never quite clear what he does for a living, but he has all the money he needs at any moment.

[12:09] I mean that's I think the way truly rich people are though.

[12:13] I mean like they can buy whatever.

[12:15] I don't think that's weird.

[12:17] No, but it would have been nice to get some sense of like what he does other than just being in business.

[12:22] He's a rich guy, Elliot.

[12:23] Yeah, like Dan suggested, he probably invented masturbation and is making millions of dollars off of it.

[12:28] He's got a patent on masturbation and whoever masturbates has to kick him back a few bucks.

[12:33] It made me think of the...

[12:34] A few bucks?

[12:35] Every time.

[12:37] Are you saying it's not worth it, Stuart?

[12:39] I mean I guess. I'm not very good.

[12:42] Maybe I'll watch this movie. I don't know.

[12:45] I've been watching you and I'd like to take you under my wing.

[12:49] Come into my playroom. It's a place where we can masturbate.

[12:52] I'll do it as long as I don't have to sign some super long contract.

[12:56] No, the contract is necessary because we need to have rules about when we can look at each other, not while we're masturbating.

[13:03] Also, who can borrow whose magazines and videotapes?

[13:07] Okay, but when I borrow them, I'm going to give it back to you paused right at the moment when I finished, so you're going to know exactly what I'm into.

[13:15] That's a joke from our mutual friend, Bill Hickey, who I believe based that off of me giving him back a porn movie that had not been rewound.

[13:27] And so he knew exactly what scene tickled my fancy.

[13:31] As weird as it was, it was one of the dialogue scenes.

[13:34] I like the idea that...

[13:35] Now what was that movie, Dan? Do you remember?

[13:37] I don't recall.

[13:38] It was Jane Bond 0069 versus Thunderballs.

[13:41] That is exactly what it is.

[13:44] I'm not familiar with that one.

[13:46] I like the idea that...

[13:47] And what was the scene?

[13:48] I don't want to get into it.

[13:50] It might have been a scene with odd joint, but I'm not sure.

[13:54] That's the Irish cabbie who early on seems to have some kind of rubber thing on the end of his penis, but as soon as they actually start having sex, that rubber thing is gone.

[14:02] Now we've said more about the plot of this James Bond porn you watched, what, 20 years ago?

[14:08] Yeah.

[14:10] Then this movie.

[14:11] So let's just talk about it a little more.

[14:12] So she goes to – her roommate is sick, who can't interview this wealthy entrepreneur, so she goes, and there is an instant sexual attraction between the two that is noticeably unnoticed by the viewer of the movie.

[14:24] I mean it's noticeable because she bites her lip.

[14:26] She does that all the fucking time.

[14:28] Her dentist has got to be going crazy.

[14:31] This might be like a version of Deep Throat where her clitoris, instead of being in her throat, is on her lip.

[14:35] Gross, dude.

[14:36] She just keeps biting it.

[14:37] This movie is so listless.

[14:38] Gross.

[14:39] I assume she just keeps biting her lip to stay awake.

[14:42] The way you would pinch yourself, it's just like, oh, god, I've got to make my way through this scene.

[14:48] I'll just bite my lip real hard.

[14:49] But that's her main way of expressing arousal is by biting her lip.

[14:55] Or by like slamming a pencil that says grey on it up against that lip.

[14:59] Yes.

[15:00] That pillowy, gnocchi-like lip she has.

[15:03] Now, Christian takes an interest in her and follows her to a place of work, a hardware store.

[15:08] Emphasis on the hard in hardware.

[15:10] Gross.

[15:11] And he says, okay, you know what?

[15:13] Let's get together and I'll do a photo shoot for the article you wrote about me.

[15:18] And then he invites her out.

[15:19] They have coffee and they talk about how she reads books.

[15:22] He sends her a gift, first edition copy of Tess of the Jubervilles.

[15:26] Really?

[15:27] No, alas.

[15:29] But that does mean that we've seen two movies now where a guy tries to win over a girl by giving her a first edition of a book.

[15:35] What do you think?

[15:36] Is that a new trend in Hollywood?

[15:37] Look, man.

[15:38] Girls like books, man.

[15:39] I'll allow it.

[15:41] Like if we're thinking that literary is the new sexy, guys.

[15:46] Yeah, thanks, Game of Thrones.

[15:49] Let's do it.

[15:50] We all like books.

[15:52] Yeah, I guess.

[15:53] We're all nerdlingers.

[15:54] We are nerdlingers.

[15:56] The department store that sells nerds.

[16:00] After Gimbles went out of business across the street.

[16:03] Yeah, Gumballs.

[16:04] Well, he sells Gumballs here.

[16:06] Why don't we rent out the entire Woolworth building?

[16:09] We saw the M&M store and we thought that that business model has got to work.

[16:13] Turns out it doesn't.

[16:15] It's terrible.

[16:16] I mean it's a high street location.

[16:18] They expect to lose money but to raise the M&M brand, right?

[16:22] Well, no, they sell tigers and other endangered animals out in the back.

[16:25] Those Gumballs are actually a loss leader for the LCD televisions that they sell in the back.

[16:33] Gumballs get them inside but the TVs is the moneymaker.

[16:37] It's just a loss leader for the LCD sound systems that they sell in the back.

[16:41] And the Miami sound machines.

[16:44] That is a contemporary music reference from Elliot Kalin, everybody.

[16:47] That's right.

[16:48] Write it down.

[16:49] Write it down in the journal.

[16:50] I did it, everybody.

[16:52] So Anna goes out on a date with her friend Kate and drinks too much, calls Christian and is kind of a jerk to him, which he is totally intrigued by.

[17:03] He tracks her to the bar she's at.

[17:05] I have never had a girl be a jerk to me.

[17:08] That's kind of what he sounds like.

[17:10] As an American man, I don't understand this experience.

[17:14] She throws up in front of him, then passes out.

[17:18] She wakes up and he's like, no, no, no.

[17:20] Save your throw up for my chest hair.

[17:25] That is a waste.

[17:26] He's becoming the Swedish chef over time.

[17:29] I am a wild and crazy guy.

[17:32] How much better would this movie have been if it was the Swedish chef?

[17:35] It was called Fifty Chefs of Grey or Fifty Swedes of Chef.

[17:44] He's just spanking her with spatulas.

[17:48] It's clearly just Jim Henson's hands operating the hands of the chef.

[17:53] I mean, I read that Henson biography.

[17:55] He was a lady killer.

[17:57] Yeah, and then he murdered seven ladies.

[18:00] They called it the Muppet Murders.

[18:02] But I also like what we've discovered, which is that Irish guy trying to do American action equals Swedish accent.

[18:11] He has a little bit of accent math for you.

[18:14] Send it to the Journal of Accent Mathematics or JAMA.

[18:21] Do they start dating now?

[18:22] I don't remember.

[18:23] They kind of start dating.

[18:24] Are they besties?

[18:25] She wakes up in his hotel room and he says, no, we didn't do anything last night.

[18:30] I didn't sleep here.

[18:31] I don't sleep in beds with girls.

[18:33] And then there's all this.

[18:35] Gross.

[18:36] Too much farting.

[18:40] There's TMF going on here.

[18:42] Too much farting.

[18:43] Maybe it's because after making love, I always feed the woman I'm with a full bean dinner.

[18:50] For energy.

[18:51] To regain the energy they just lost.

[18:53] You've lost your precious bodily fluid.

[18:56] I take a Gatorade bottle, empty half of it, fill it up with beans and shake it up.

[19:01] I call it Bean Raid.

[19:02] Beans, kimchi, and Brussels sprouts.

[19:05] It gives you the post-sex electrolytes you need.

[19:08] Sprinkle a little spirulina on top and add a little almond milk.

[19:11] Then I have them do a whole bunch of squats.

[19:14] It's basically like kelp dust.

[19:19] Then I give you an ab massage to really get the gas working up.

[19:25] Anyway, it's at that point that I learned that spanking is kind of like a fart release valve.

[19:31] So anyway, long story short, I don't sleep in beds with girls.

[19:34] Christian Grey has been doing a lot of what I would call non-nuendo.

[19:39] It's supposed to be double entendres and innuendo, but it just comes off as stupid.

[19:45] Then he tells her something about how if she was his, he'd have control over her.

[19:52] Then he takes a bite out of the piece of toast she's holding in her hand.

[19:57] He says she wouldn't be able to sit down or something.

[20:00] This is if he if he had had sex with her, she wouldn't be able to sit down because we've seen the trailer and we're like, he means spanking or something else is like, but stuff that we're probably the buddest of stuff, the most but it's so they start going out and he reveals to her that he has a room full of like whips and stuff and harnesses and clamps and like, yeah, which as he said, it looks like it looks like a

[20:29] weird like museum of stuff. Yeah, it's an evidence dungeon without the evidence. Yeah. Speaking of evidence, like I was hoping there was gonna be like a bunch of pictures of Nicki Minaj or like other but models.

[20:41] Is that what she is a butt model?

[20:44] I said other but

[20:46] she was a recording artist.

[20:49] You know, that famous butt model JLo.

[20:53] I mean, she probably could be if she wanted to know I'm aware that within her power.

[20:59] But there's not like the girl who was six on Blossom.

[21:02] She was a butt model, right?

[21:03] No, I don't know what that means.

[21:05] No, it's true.

[21:06] She modelled butts?

[21:07] It was six on Blossom.

[21:08] The girl who became six.

[21:11] The man who was Thursday, the girl became six.

[21:13] No, later in life, she was a butt model for butt focused magazines.

[21:19] Like what magazines are those?

[21:20] Like Butt Fancy?

[21:21] King magazine.

[21:24] I think it was King.

[21:25] Booties.

[21:26] National Buttographic?

[21:28] Cheeks.

[21:29] With a Z.

[21:33] Split hams.

[21:35] Stop, please.

[21:38] I thought this was a foodie magazine.

[21:40] I bought it in Whole Foods after all.

[21:44] Whole Foods is a surprisingly large porn selection.

[21:49] All soft core.

[21:50] Okay.

[21:51] Come on, this is a wholesome food.

[21:52] Yeah, very tasteful.

[21:54] For the freshest produce and the freshest soft core porn magazines.

[21:58] Hey, like sexy ladies but are afraid of nipples?

[22:01] Pick up Maxim.

[22:02] Like great taste in food and your pornography?

[22:05] Come down to Whole Foods.

[22:07] We spell whole without the W, though.

[22:13] This is the grossest episode yet.

[22:15] Oh, yeah.

[22:16] I mean, I think we are earning our explicit rating.

[22:18] I think everyone assumed that when they saw the title.

[22:21] That we were doing Fifty Shades of Sex.

[22:22] People saw it on their downloads and they're like, gross.

[22:25] They were like, skip, delete, mark as played.

[22:28] No, they're like, all right, I'm going to save this one till midnight.

[22:31] Yep.

[22:31] When I'm all alone in my bed.

[22:34] Yep.

[22:35] Just me and three dudes.

[22:36] Just me being sad.

[22:39] Now, they start, he shows her his playroom where he has all this stuff.

[22:44] And he says, I want to start seeing you, but first you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

[22:50] You can't tell anybody about this.

[22:51] And it puts limits on what we can do in the bedroom.

[22:55] And there is and she reveals she's a virgin.

[22:59] And so he drives him crazy, drives him mad with lust.

[23:03] He kindly

[23:05] deigns to have regular sex one time.

[23:08] Because she would not stop for sex.

[23:10] He kindly stopped for her.

[23:12] It's that kindly there.

[23:15] Kindly.

[23:17] Did you just try to make a sexy word out of kindly?

[23:19] Richard Kind.

[23:23] The point is, he's like, oh, OK, you're a virgin.

[23:26] Let's do it regular style at least once.

[23:28] Yeah. Just so you know what that is.

[23:30] So, you know how freaky the stuff I'm going to do?

[23:31] You know, the baseline.

[23:32] Yeah. Otherwise, she wouldn't be that into it.

[23:35] He could have been like, oh, yeah, this stuff, this is normal.

[23:38] This is normal sex.

[23:39] This is just sex.

[23:39] It's like raising your kids to think salt's pepper and pepper is salt.

[23:42] So they go to their friend's house and freak out.

[23:44] What kind of weird dog tooth experiment is that?

[23:46] Why would you do that?

[23:48] It's hilarious.

[23:50] It doesn't make any sense.

[23:52] You should never have children.

[23:54] Well, you know, after the accident, I don't think I can have children.

[23:58] Oh, right. The accident.

[23:59] Yeah, the visas.

[24:00] Gamma radiation blasted my ballsack.

[24:04] That's why you now have the incredible Hulk balls.

[24:05] Don't make me angry.

[24:07] My balls will kill you.

[24:09] Your balls are wearing these purple pants

[24:13] that shred into their adorable ball shorts.

[24:17] I bought them on Etsy.

[24:19] Sadly, they get destroyed every time I get angry

[24:22] because they're handmade on Etsy.

[24:23] They cost fifty five dollars a pair.

[24:25] But they're very small.

[24:27] They're very popular when I wear them around Brooklyn.

[24:34] So so they have sex regular style for the first time,

[24:37] and she is enamored of it.

[24:39] She's loving it.

[24:40] But she decides to play hard to get.

[24:42] And they have the one funny scene in this movie where

[24:46] and this is where I'm going to take a moment for me to talk about.

[24:49] It was surprised me to see in the credits as the movie started

[24:51] that Danny Elfman did the score for this.

[24:53] And it is Danny Elfman at his least inspired.

[24:56] And I love Danny Elfman's classic scores.

[24:58] Beetlejuice. Nope.

[25:01] Tales from the Crypt, Batman.

[25:02] Even his theme for perversions of science, I think, is a is a fun

[25:06] Danny Elfman song for his big adventure.

[25:07] He's one of the top movie scorists as far as I'm concerned.

[25:10] He's right up there with like a Neil Morconi and Bernard Herman and those guys.

[25:14] But Angelo Badalamente.

[25:16] Yeah. Marco Beltrami.

[25:18] All your favorite Italians.

[25:20] And but this is the latest.

[25:22] Danny Elfman.

[25:23] And there but there's there.

[25:26] Danilo Elfman.

[25:28] Close by Danny Elfman.

[25:32] There's famous redheaded Italians.

[25:34] Danny Elfman suits provided by Jenna Elfman.

[25:39] She just drives him over.

[25:40] He doesn't even know where to go.

[25:41] Provided by Ongo Bongoni.

[25:44] All right.

[25:46] So there's a part during this.

[25:48] There's a scene where she is she treats their negotiation

[25:51] over their sex contract like a business meeting.

[25:53] And the music is like,

[25:55] but it's also like goofy music.

[25:58] But it's also like,

[26:01] it's genuinely it's a genuinely funny scene.

[26:04] It's like a one.

[26:05] Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[26:08] Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[26:13] Here the blues are calling

[26:14] salad and scrambled eggs.

[26:16] Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[26:22] Thank you for being a gray and so forth.

[26:26] Yeah, but on the John.

[26:28] Man, this is.

[26:32] We're just going to do I got to say,

[26:34] do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

[26:39] X-Files X-Files.

[26:40] Yeah, I think I love this files.

[26:42] OK, then what about this one?

[26:43] What about this one has the Millennium theme song go?

[26:48] That is harsh.

[26:48] Realm go.

[26:49] Yes, it's got to be the VR5 theme go.

[26:54] So no, but this is a genuinely space

[26:59] above and beyond the theme go.

[27:01] That's it's a sign.

[27:02] Anyway, this is a this is actually it's a sign, Phil.

[27:07] What's with all these misfits?

[27:10] We have the government running after us.

[27:13] I guess this is a genuinely funny scene, though,

[27:15] because this is her being like, all right, clause for anal fisting.

[27:21] We're going to strike that out.

[27:22] It's like, OK, it's like, what about vaginal fisting?

[27:25] Definitely not.

[27:27] She's like section three.

[27:28] Genital clamps remove.

[27:30] Yeah. And it's like a funny scene.

[27:32] It's clever.

[27:34] It's no night at the opera contract scene.

[27:36] No, but if you're going to if you're going to do like.

[27:38] And there's a no sexity clause.

[27:40] That's if you're going to do like this bondage, like this bondage sex movie,

[27:45] like I think a little like levity, like a little enjoyment of it.

[27:48] Sure. Like it's it's funny.

[27:51] Yet the most erogenous zone.

[27:53] Is the funny bone.

[27:54] I mean, I don't think that's true.

[27:55] Acknowledges penis.

[27:58] It acknowledges that there's something inherently funny about having to like

[28:01] negotiate these different like sexual things and like a genuinely sexy movie

[28:07] about a dominant submission, submissive relationship.

[28:11] Secretary is a funny movie, too.

[28:14] Like, yeah, it's got a lot of humor.

[28:15] Leave it to comedian James Spader to bring the laughs and Maggie G.

[28:20] Hall. But it's it's wrecking that that movie recognizes that even if something

[28:25] titillates you, there's something absurd and ridiculous about what sexuality is.

[28:30] Just about sexuality.

[28:31] Genuinely that silly.

[28:32] If nobody's laughing, you're not doing it right.

[28:34] Yeah, I told my parents.

[28:37] Well, they were having sex when you were sex coaching.

[28:40] No surrogate sex coach.

[28:45] They hired. You've got like a timer on your neck and a saxophone.

[28:49] I like this. It's one of two scenarios.

[28:51] You have a saxophone so you can set the mood.

[28:54] Yeah, that to one of two scenarios.

[28:56] Either you set them down.

[28:57] You're like, mom, dad, I noticed something's not working.

[29:00] We got to get your game up.

[29:01] Or they hired a sex coach.

[29:03] My sunglasses on.

[29:04] They hired a sex coach through Craigslist.

[29:06] And you showed up and it was like, uh, well, I'm a professional.

[29:10] Let's just do this thing.

[29:12] I had to pretend I was somebody else.

[29:13] I put on a fake mustache.

[29:15] Yeah. You called yourself Gouart Boonington.

[29:18] But it's like that's a terrifying last name.

[29:21] It's also a ghost.

[29:23] I'm like, my parents were ghosts.

[29:25] I don't I'm a ghost American.

[29:29] I don't want to get too much into it.

[29:30] So we're saying that there's something like absurd about the way people act

[29:36] when they're having sex, what turns them on.

[29:38] And the secretary gets that this movie, for the most part, does not.

[29:41] Exit to Eden gets that.

[29:43] Yeah. Hilarious.

[29:45] It's less it's a less sexy movie as a result of being so like super serious.

[29:50] Well, what are we going to say? You don't want to what?

[29:51] Well, but also I would say that, like, I don't want to get it.

[29:55] I don't want to get too deep into, like, the politics of.

[29:58] You're into. I don't want to get.

[30:00] There's no turning back now.

[30:03] There's controversy over Fifty Shades of Grey from a number of sources, like from some people

[30:09] who are like bondage people who are angry that this stupid book has been used as a bondage

[30:16] handbook, like when it should not be because it's obviously not for that, or where it treats

[30:22] bondage and S&M as a pathology that has to be cured, which is not...

[30:28] It's that Christian has a psychological problem, and that's why it's good.

[30:32] But also, people have problems with the idea that this woman has to sign this contract,

[30:39] and that there's feminist critiques of this, even though this was a largely female sensation

[30:49] as erotica.

[30:50] But I will say, this is one of the few scenes in the movie where the female character shows

[30:55] her own agency, where she's like, I will not do this thing.

[31:02] This thing I'm into, but let's strike this thing.

[31:06] She is showing, I am entering into this as a consensual partner.

[31:12] You have a hold over me, but the game we're playing is that you have a hold over me.

[31:16] I have a hold over you, and that I am providing to you the thing you want.

[31:21] And the fun of this is that it is a fake, temporary thing that I'm agreeing to.

[31:28] And that later on, when she says that, well, anyway, they have entered into this relationship,

[31:32] and they do that, he hits her a lot, and they have sex, and they go on a glider trip and

[31:38] a helicopter trip.

[31:39] The longest glider trip.

[31:41] Half the movie is him hitting her with riding crops, and the other half is them in different

[31:45] forms of aviation, just flying around and visiting each other's parents.

[31:49] Shots of them smiling in a glider.

[31:52] But by the end of it, she's mad at him because he's not going as far as he wants to go, and

[31:57] he finally does, and he's just hitting her so hard and she doesn't enjoy it, and it ruins

[32:01] their relationship until the cliffhanger ending.

[32:04] But it's like that it's fun for her in that this is a fake game.

[32:10] If she was actually at the mercy of a man who was hurting her, it's not.

[32:15] There's no pleasure for her in that.

[32:16] I didn't read the books because, mostly, not because I was not interested in them.

[32:21] You just don't have a lot of time, you know.

[32:22] Yeah, you know, he's a busy man, professional.

[32:23] I don't know.

[32:24] Look.

[32:25] If he's going to get through Dance of Dragons, come on, he doesn't have time.

[32:27] I like sex stuff more than most people.

[32:29] We all know this about me.

[32:31] But it was mostly because they were terribly, terribly written.

[32:34] Like they gave me a fucking headache to read a paragraph.

[32:37] But it is my understanding.

[32:38] Yeah, that's exactly.

[32:39] And there's a thin line between head pleasure and head pain.

[32:42] But it's my understanding that the books, even though they were written by a female

[32:46] author, were much less sensitive to that distinction.

[32:53] And maybe that the movie corrected a little bit in terms of making them a little more

[32:57] equal.

[32:58] There's a lot of this movie, though, that just comes down to a men are from Mars, women

[33:02] are from Venus type thing.

[33:03] It's like he doesn't want to get emotionally involved, and she wants more of a regular

[33:07] relationship.

[33:08] And that's the tension in the movie.

[33:10] He wants to spank her.

[33:11] She wants to dance.

[33:12] All silly.

[33:13] Yeah.

[33:14] Like you could tell when he's spanking her, like she's turned on, but she'd really rather

[33:17] watch Top Chef with him while eating a pint of ice cream.

[33:19] Yeah.

[33:20] And he wants to wear sweatpants, but only...

[33:23] He only wears weird fucking cut off jeans or like fucked up jeans.

[33:28] Over, no underpants.

[33:29] Of course not.

[33:30] He wants to feel the denim against his erection.

[33:33] So we can see the root of his penis once.

[33:36] Yep.

[33:38] There's not really like a nudity parody here.

[33:40] No.

[33:41] Oh, no, of course.

[33:42] Well, it's the same way that...

[33:43] We see his butt a couple of times.

[33:44] It's similar to on the show The Americans, which is a great show that I love.

[33:48] There's a scene where Kerry Russell and the actor who plays the male lead, I always forget

[33:51] his name.

[33:52] Matthew Reese.

[33:53] Matthew, let's just say, let's just say Jonathan Reese Davies.

[33:56] So Jonathan Reese Davies and Kerry Russell, they have a sex scene.

[34:00] And the next scene is he is still fully clothed, but like his pants are undone.

[34:04] She is fully nude, lying on the bed with her on her belly, just completely naked.

[34:10] And it's such a...

[34:11] That's how they do it in Russia, dude.

[34:12] But it was such a, it was such a startling moment of like, we know our fans are not interested

[34:17] as much in seeing the naked guys and the naked ladies.

[34:19] So we're just going to go with that.

[34:20] Mother Russia, sex has you.

[34:23] Right?

[34:24] Yeah.

[34:25] That's Yakov Smirnoff.

[34:26] The Russian sex comedian.

[34:27] The guy who jacks off into podcasts.

[34:34] He's Russia's number one most wanted criminal.

[34:38] We must find this man who has sullied our national, our national alcohol.

[34:46] I mean, they do.

[34:47] Yeah.

[34:48] They want to steal from you.

[34:49] If vodka you drink is cloudy at all, please return to factory.

[34:54] So report, report the point of purchase.

[34:57] So we will know, we know that Yakov Smirnoff has probably been in the area.

[35:02] 12 points bulletin, Yakov Smirnoff sighting in, we believe he has resettled to Branson,

[35:10] Missouri.

[35:11] Sounds weird in a Russian accent.

[35:14] Yakov Smirnoff tried briefly Broadway show, but not interested.

[35:19] No, not they say.

[35:21] Wanted.

[35:22] No one wanted to pay $60 to see man jack off into a bottle of vodka.

[35:29] In Russia, Calcutta owe you.

[35:32] So do you think the, do you think Christian Gray buys all the sex toy shit through like

[35:39] a international mail catalog or is there like a salesman in a store?

[35:43] He probably goes up to Macy's and gets it.

[35:46] He's so excited.

[35:47] It's his biggest customer.

[35:48] I mean, ever since.

[35:49] I mean, I don't know where you buy that stuff.

[35:51] I mean, there's sex shops all over New York, I guess that's where you'd buy that stuff.

[35:54] Yeah, but he's probably got like a specialty one where there's like one salesman.

[35:59] I'm like, he sends us a chauffeur to go buy her some clothes at one point and to go have

[36:02] sex with her roommate.

[36:04] That's her.

[36:05] His brother.

[36:06] Okay.

[36:07] That's a chauffeur.

[36:08] His chauffeur is his brother.

[36:09] They have a weird dynamic.

[36:10] Okay.

[36:11] He lost a bet to him and now he's chauffeur forever.

[36:16] You get to be the billionaire.

[36:17] I get to be the chauffeur.

[36:18] Fine.

[36:19] His brother's a genie and he tricked him by rubbing his bottle backwards three times,

[36:26] which wait, I don't understand.

[36:27] If you rub it backwards, it makes a genie.

[36:30] No, that happens anyway.

[36:32] That's what a genie does.

[36:33] But if you do it right, they, if you ask for more wishes backwards, it just sucks the genie

[36:38] back in.

[36:39] But what is backwards?

[36:41] There's no, like there's an arrow pointing the way to, to rub the lamp.

[36:45] Frontwards, it's that way.

[36:46] Towards the spout.

[36:47] But you've got to do it both ways that your hand gets back to where it was to rub forward

[36:52] again.

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:54] You won't get enough friction to coax out a genie.

[36:55] Come on.

[36:56] This is genie rubbing 101.

[36:57] You're jacking the genie out of there.

[36:58] Look, I give it, I guess that's what Christine Aguilera is saying.

[37:02] If you want to be with her, you got to rub her the right way.

[37:05] It means frontwards, not backwards.

[37:10] Sidewards, not topwards.

[37:12] I wish that, uh, it's not like around the spout.

[37:15] That'd be weird.

[37:16] I wish that.

[37:17] That doesn't work.

[37:18] I don't know.

[37:19] Just like teasing it.

[37:20] Just teasing the genie lamp.

[37:21] I mean, that sounds pretty good.

[37:22] That's not it.

[37:23] What I'm saying is, why don't they just, there's always that lid at the top.

[37:27] Just open that up.

[37:28] Enough with the lamp rubbing.

[37:29] Just open it and let him out.

[37:32] So anyway, they break up basically.

[37:34] She's horrified by the punishment that he gives her and they break up and, but they,

[37:39] it's clear.

[37:40] And boy, does he punish her.

[37:41] It's clear.

[37:42] He's like the star of the movie, Silent Night, Deadly Night.

[37:45] He just shouts punish.

[37:47] Real hard though.

[37:48] He, he, he does, he pulls a punisher on him, on her and brings her into a one man war against

[37:53] the mob.

[37:54] I mean, that's the thing.

[37:55] Like, the sex in this movie is certainly not particularly transgressive at all through

[38:01] most of the movie.

[38:02] And then when it's supposed to get super like crazy at the end, it's just him, like.

[38:07] He goes down on her, dude.

[38:08] Like slightly harder than he did before.

[38:09] Harder than before.

[38:10] Yeah.

[38:11] Before.

[38:12] When he pulls out the cat-o'-nine tails.

[38:13] Well, that's what his Irish accent would be.

[38:14] Nothing to see here.

[38:15] Just hitting you with a cat-o'-nine tails.

[38:16] This is for taking double rations of grog.

[38:17] I'm just saying, this movie is going to be a sex movie.

[38:18] Let's fucking do it.

[38:19] Let's fucking do it.

[38:20] It's too intense, Dan.

[38:21] Let's do it.

[38:22] Let's go all out.

[38:23] I mean, it's like a sex movie in that they have like songs with singing in every sex

[38:24] scene.

[38:25] Every, as I was saying to you guys when we were watching it.

[38:26] And glider scene.

[38:27] All the, the soundtrack feels like a sex movie.

[38:28] It's like a sex movie.

[39:36] For me to poo-pow.

[39:37] I mean, they're about to they're about to have.

[39:41] I've mashed up these two songs as we're about to mash our genitals up together.

[39:45] She puts it in her contract that she controls the music.

[39:49] So as he's about, he's like tying her up.

[39:51] He's undressing her.

[39:52] But they're listening to like Jewel.

[39:53] These hands are small.

[39:55] I know.

[39:56] How I went to see the doctor-y.

[39:57] How you wound a better punch.

[39:59] She went with mom.

[40:00] The philosophy from me into shallow water.

[40:05] Once there was a cornflake girl, thought there was a real solution.

[40:11] And I say hey, yeah, yeah.

[40:15] I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a champ, I'm a mother.

[40:20] Step on the stone.

[40:22] It's like her sophomore year in college power mix.

[40:25] Earth becomes, wait no.

[40:28] For all the listeners, we're aware that guy music is stupid too.

[40:31] Yeah, but we like it.

[40:35] The hardest to learn was the least complicated.

[40:40] He's like, all right, I gotta stop.

[40:42] Well, you know what, forget it.

[40:43] I cannot achieve an erection listening to the Indigo Girls.

[40:46] I'm sorry.

[40:48] No, no, no, but at least a lobe song is about to come on.

[40:52] That'll be okay, right?

[40:53] Nope.

[40:56] I didn't even see a CD player in that room.

[40:59] I mean, it means that.

[41:00] It's probably hidden.

[41:01] He's very wealthy.

[41:02] Oh, yeah, he has a whole sound system there.

[41:04] So time to move on to final judgments on this movie.

[41:07] I feel like we haven't gotten across how totally dull the movie was.

[41:11] How snorifying it was for a sex movie.

[41:13] Multiple sex scenes involved us all looking at our phones.

[41:17] Not pornography or anything, just like Twitter.

[41:20] Whatever.

[41:21] Whatever was not the movie.

[41:23] I have never felt less interested in watching people have sex

[41:27] than I have in watching this movie.

[41:29] I'm going to say, like.

[41:30] And there's a lot of reasons.

[41:31] And you've seen your parents have sex.

[41:32] And they were very good at it.

[41:34] That's the thing.

[41:35] They made it a show.

[41:36] They put on a show.

[41:37] They had a sense of there's an audience here.

[41:39] Let's make it worth their while.

[41:40] There was Verve.

[41:41] What were you going to say?

[41:42] No, I was just going to.

[41:43] Yeah, the band Verve was there.

[41:44] Is that a band?

[41:45] I'm going to talk about whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[41:48] or a movie we kind of liked.

[41:51] The cat is really wanting attention from me.

[41:54] The cat's like, I liked it.

[41:56] I honestly feel like this exists beyond our categorization.

[42:02] Because I was not bored, necessarily, because it was about sex.

[42:07] But I was not amused enough to make it a bad, bad movie.

[42:11] But I did not like it enough to recommend it.

[42:14] Yeah, I was fairly bored by it.

[42:17] There was certainly a large chunk near the end.

[42:19] I would say less bored during the sex scenes, but still pretty bored.

[42:22] There's a large chunk near the end where you're like, why is this still a movie?

[42:26] Yeah.

[42:27] It feels very much like somebody knew they were not going to tell an entire story,

[42:32] so they're like, we're going to give you a taste of this shit.

[42:36] Yeah, and also, it's like they knew while they were making it,

[42:39] these stars have no chemistry.

[42:42] They hate each other.

[42:44] They seem to hate being in the movie.

[42:46] It's not like Sean Young and Harrison Ford hated each other,

[42:50] and Blade Runner still has a sense of attraction between the two of them.

[42:53] Yeah, I don't know about that.

[42:55] They're both sex robots or whatever.

[42:59] I'm going to reveal a bit too much about porn I've seen.

[43:03] There's a Cinemax show.

[43:06] I think it's the one called Best Sex Ever.

[43:08] Sure.

[43:09] Where the woman takes radio call-ins,

[43:12] and there's a scene where people are supposed to call in and tell their stories,

[43:15] which is hilarious because I guess they're just describing sex that they had.

[43:18] But there's one that starts with the story opens with two women having sex in a bathroom,

[43:24] and then the host goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[43:26] You can't just start there.

[43:27] Start from the beginning, and they start the story.

[43:30] And the moment when you didn't know how those women got to that point

[43:33] had more suspense in it than this whole movie.

[43:36] This professional movie had less suspense than the opening moments of a Cinemax TV show.

[43:41] By the way, I like this.

[43:42] Smash cut.

[43:43] Smash cut, too.

[43:44] Ancient Rome.

[43:45] I like that, by the way, Stuart, your Coarse Light has a legend around the top of it that says,

[43:52] the silver bullet, the world's most refreshing can.

[43:56] I wish it had a real legend around the top of it,

[44:00] like about a guy who stole gold from a witch or something.

[44:03] It was a legend of Alan Ruck.

[44:05] He's everywhere, even on Coarse Cans.

[44:07] Who do you think tapped the Ruckys?

[44:10] Stu, what do you say about this movie?

[44:13] Oh, wait, it's Final Judgments?

[44:15] Yeah, it's Final Judgments.

[44:17] Yeah, I don't know.

[44:19] I guess it's bad, bad.

[44:20] It's hard to say.

[44:21] You never got erect, is what you're saying.

[44:24] I wouldn't go that far.

[44:26] Danny Elfman was involved.

[44:28] What do you think, Dan?

[44:31] No, I said that.

[44:32] Okay, Elliot, what's your judgment?

[44:34] I already said bad, bad.

[44:35] I found it very dull.

[44:36] So, Stuart, abstains.

[44:39] He's with an abstainance.

[45:09] We're coming to Portland.

[45:10] We're coming to Seattle.

[45:11] We're coming to Vancouver.

[45:12] We're going to be there August 28th, 29th, and 30th.

[45:15] I want to buy tickets to the Portland show.

[45:17] Tough.

[45:18] They're sold out.

[45:19] Pretty good advertisement so far.

[45:21] But there are tickets still available for the Seattle show

[45:24] and for the Vancouver show.

[45:25] If you go to bit.ly forward slash mbmbam seattle

[45:29] and bit.ly forward slash van mbmbam,

[45:33] tickets are still available there.

[45:34] They are assigned seating and they're going fast,

[45:36] so don't miss your chance to get them.

[45:38] Right now.

[45:39] Go.

[45:40] Do it.

[45:41] Don't wait.

[45:42] Also, the medical history podcast I do with my wife,

[45:43] Salt Bones, another max fun show,

[45:44] is going to be there as well.

[45:45] It's a big show.

[45:46] It's going to be a huge show full of fun,

[45:48] full of excitement.

[45:49] You won't want to miss it.

[45:50] Gosh, we hope you've heard of our shows before,

[45:52] or else this is just very weird for you.

[45:56] We're brothers.

[45:57] We're experts.

[45:58] And we're live, baby.

[46:02] Hey, you like T-shirts, right?

[46:04] How about a mug?

[46:06] Are your walls looking a little bare?

[46:09] Visit MaxFunStore.com and cover all of these bases and more.

[46:13] We just added some amazing new shirts and posters.

[46:16] So visit today and outfit your home and torso

[46:20] with the freshest MaxFun merch.

[46:22] MaxFunStore.com.

[46:25] We do have a letter.

[46:28] Sponsor.

[46:29] Sponsor.

[46:30] Sponsor.

[46:31] For the program.

[46:32] And that is Squarespace.

[46:33] And that is Fifty Shades of Grey.

[46:35] Uh-oh.

[46:36] The Flop House is brought to you by...

[46:37] Squarespace.

[46:40] The all-in-one website platform that makes it fast and easy

[46:44] to create your own professional website.

[46:47] Squarespace offers beautiful templates,

[46:49] integration with Google Apps and Getty Images,

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[46:58] and to start building your website,

[46:59] go to Squarespace.com and use the code LOP

[47:04] and get 10% off your first purchase.

[47:09] Build it beautiful.

[47:10] Now, Dan, what does it say that I was more turned on just now

[47:13] thinking about the possibilities of getting a domain name from Squarespace

[47:16] and setting a website than I was while watching Fifty Shades of Grey?

[47:19] You're a genuine pervert.

[47:20] That's what it says.

[47:21] Just, like, there's so much potential there.

[47:24] So much potential.

[47:26] It's like a blank sheet of grey paper.

[47:29] Yeah.

[47:30] So many shades of possibility.

[47:32] You know what?

[47:33] I look at Squarespace and, yeah,

[47:34] I think I'm like the artist at the end of Sunday in the Park with George.

[47:37] So many possibilities.

[47:39] So it's time for letters.

[47:42] Letters from listeners.

[47:44] And this first letter has a...

[47:47] Right into the letters.

[47:48] What?

[47:49] Has a title.

[47:50] Right in there.

[47:51] What would we do before we got to letters?

[47:53] There's nothing I can think of.

[47:55] Stop teasing it.

[47:56] This first letter.

[47:57] Hey, everyone.

[47:58] It's letters time.

[48:00] Sexy this time.

[48:01] Sexy letters time.

[48:03] Spanking a letter.

[48:06] It's kind of weird.

[48:07] It's paper, so it gives really easily.

[48:12] But try it.

[48:13] Do you like it?

[48:15] You don't.

[48:16] Ooh, paper cut.

[48:17] That's got to hurt.

[48:19] Don't touch any salt.

[48:20] That'll make it hurt worse.

[48:22] Unless you're into that.

[48:23] I'm not, personally.

[48:25] But maybe you are.

[48:27] Write us about it in your letter.

[48:30] It's like one of those R. Kelly joints.

[48:32] You mean a goose bump?

[48:34] Yeah.

[48:37] R. Kelly's goose bumps.

[48:39] Don't look in the closet, because R. Kelly's there.

[48:42] Scary.

[48:44] R. Kelly and R. L. Stein finally work together.

[48:46] They've been looking for a project for a long time to work together on.

[48:51] Sexy letters segment.

[48:54] Letters for sex.

[48:56] Sex for letters.

[48:57] Have you had sex with a letter lately?

[49:00] You can't have sex without S-E-X.

[49:03] And those are letters.

[49:06] Letters is brought to you by sex.

[49:09] This first letter.

[49:10] Also, all people in the world.

[49:12] Brought to you by sex.

[49:14] You need it to make people.

[49:16] At the beginning of this letter, it says.

[49:19] Brace yourselves.

[49:20] It says, please read on or before March 2nd, 2015.

[49:25] Dan, did someone die because of your negligence?

[49:29] Is this letter bad?

[49:30] Are we going to get sick after we read it?

[49:32] We had a backlog of so many letters.

[49:35] I apologize to this listener.

[49:37] We're not reading it on or before March 2nd, 2015.

[49:40] I have three weeks to live.

[49:42] No, but here we go.

[49:43] Here we go.

[49:45] Let's try and make it up to them.

[49:47] Dear floppers.

[49:48] I'm writing this letter in honor of my second wedding anniversary to my lovely wife, Bethany.

[49:53] I practically forced her to become a Flophouse fan in our first year of marriage.

[49:57] In a Fifty Shades of Grey type situation.

[50:00] Stockholm syndrome. She now loves the show

[50:02] Her favorite cast member is Elliot. Well, her favorite part of the show is always the letter jingle

[50:07] There you go, Elliot if Dan isn't already sharing this letter up double screwed it up by leading it reading it too late. Yep

[50:15] Then can you single can you single can you sing a jingle about my wife as part of my gift to her?

[50:21] Here's some info for the jingle. She's a personal trainer with a great caboose. So hands off Dan

[50:26] She loves her cat and dog and her favorite band is hollow notes hands off Dan is another nickname

[50:35] Yeah, Chris last name without PS Stuart is great, so this is their wedding anniversary

[50:39] Well, listen and on and before March 2nd, happy belated anniversary

[50:45] Bethany sorry missed you blame it on Dan. Dan was too busy thinking about

[50:52] cabooses on

[50:53] Cabooses, I've heard things that are about you like for instance. Tell me again

[50:59] She loves it our cat and dog and her favorite band is hollow nose

[51:03] Holland Oates give them your votes in the best band

[51:07] election and Dan has an erection

[51:11] thinking of cabooses

[51:13] But hands off Dan. She's married two years as of March

[51:18] So congratulations, sorry, sorry, I sully your wedding anniversary jingle with talk of Dan's erection. Sorry. I buried this

[51:27] You know, I mean, you know, it's a couple of months late it's not it's it could be worse

[51:30] Oh, yeah

[51:31] I mean if you gave your wife an anniversary better for worse three months late who you know

[51:35] She'd be totally okay with it

[51:37] So basically your best excuse is that you wanted to make a letter kimchi and so you buried this underground for months

[51:43] Until it fermented it's fermented Bethany. We're sorry. We missed you

[51:48] Hope that your husband kissed you on your anniversary

[51:53] With him and you and me

[51:56] All right

[51:58] You were there. I'm according to the song. Yeah. Yeah, I have no memory of it. So because of project X

[52:05] The next letter goes like this. I am writing in response to your query regarding the rights to a certain

[52:12] Mr. The Crypt Keeper, my fiancee is the granddaughter of William Gaines of EC Comics and creator of tales

[52:20] I think that once we're married that technically makes her my legal property

[52:24] So I'm sure I'll just actually get some rights to the comic book version of the Crypt Keeper

[52:28] I was thinking we cast the Vault Keeper and the old witches alongside him

[52:33] Hmm, maybe we need a fourth run out the main cast. How about the Crypt Keepers?

[52:37] Crypt Keepers less attractive less charismatic brother. He can keep his Dan Crypt Keeper

[52:43] He can keep his disgruntled get cab driver persona. Sounds perfect. I know right? I think that they should be single

[52:49] I'm still looking for love in their twilight years. We'll call it the golden ghouls. It can't mess

[52:54] All I ask is an executive producer credit on a job as writer on radio Zork

[53:00] Sincerely been lasting with hub PS

[53:03] My 18 month old nephew wanted to investigate the curious figure in the corner of my fiancee's parents basement

[53:09] But as I carried him closer and he realized it was a life-sized Crypt Keeper

[53:13] He was suddenly terrified covered his eyes and just kept repeating. No, no, no until I took him back upstairs

[53:19] I laughed and laughed good old crypty

[53:23] You traumatized that kid. That's what I would laugh at

[53:26] Then

[53:28] You go downstairs needed to make some stronger. No, it doesn't it reminds me

[53:33] I think I might have told this story about when I was a kid and there was a big cardboard display for child's play in

[53:38] The video store and I was terrified by it. I thought it was so frightening. It's enormous Chucky doll

[53:44] Why he's just a doll even that looks really mean and evil. He's got blood all over him

[53:48] Yes, Jill on like a knife or he was holding a knife to ya. There you go, Stu

[53:53] Yeah, it's not like I'm holding like a chicken dinner or something he was holding on then it would be delicious

[53:57] I'd say thank you very much Chucky. You're a great doll. You're gross, but give me that chicken

[54:01] It's it was also because when I was a kid

[54:03] I maybe you guys had this when you're a kid feel like Chucky scarier cuz he's small when he's bigger. He becomes less scary

[54:10] Well, if it's like a guy in a big Chucky costume, then yeah

[54:12] But when you're a kid you your imagination is somehow much more horrific than when you're an adult

[54:18] So like I imagined that horror movies were way worse than they were and that Chucky was just like cutting people's eyes out

[54:25] Or just like, you know, put it, you know

[54:28] like putting knives across

[54:33] But like like I had no way I didn't really know what the limits were in horror movies

[54:37] So when I finally saw him as I was always like, oh, they're just like stabbing people mostly like occasionally

[54:42] There's an axe in the head, you know

[54:44] We're like he tricked somebody to fall down an elevator shaft, yeah, and at the bottom the elevator shaft

[54:49] There's a bunch of broken glass. So they also get all cut up

[54:52] Yeah

[54:53] Anyway, why would you traumatize your your was it nephew just for funsies? I think just for Fonzie's

[55:00] Next letter goes like a etc

[55:03] in a recent

[55:04] In a recent episode Dan mentioned he would like to learn how to play p-knuckle

[55:08] I was conscripted into learning

[55:11] We talked about he tried to balance them the secret is glue him on there

[55:15] And you're learning p-knuckle is a small child when my grandfather needed an extra person to round out his table

[55:21] I live now as a broken person

[55:23] With an encyclopedic knowledge of strategies to maximize meld and card decks that can't be used for any other game except bridge

[55:30] But fuck that shit

[55:31] Pinochle games can last for hours and require the addition and subtraction of negative points

[55:36] Trying to find people to play with you as a losing game against mortality it is in short the forlorn sigh of a card game

[55:43] Congratulations on your new hobby. Mr. McCoy. Don't feel bad about card counting

[55:47] It's the only way to win in complimentary question mark news

[55:50] I was listening to your podcast while helping my mom recover from surgery

[55:53] The following is a direct quote. Is that that guy from that movie? They sound stupid, but it's actually funny

[56:00] I don't know what guy or which movie but thanks for a hilarious and bright spot my day

[56:05] There's truly JJ last name withheld JJ Abrams. Mm-hmm

[56:10] Jj-jj, yeah, like he knows how to play pinochle

[56:14] JJ hunsacker, uh-huh

[56:18] So, thanks, I feel like that's the kind of thing that people say about this podcast a lot

[56:21] Yeah, it sounds stupid, but it's funny except this episode just stupid and sexy

[56:27] Yeah, well, this is the sexiest. This is the most erotic episode call this one the wait

[56:33] What's an erotic pun on flop? I'll stick it in your ears

[56:37] Jam it right in your ears

[56:42] It's invading your brain

[56:46] The romantic invaders like brain scan or something. Yep, where you put a CD-ROM into your I guess video player

[56:54] It's sexy like a David Cronenberg

[56:58] Yeah, yeah, David Cronenberg real sexy, yeah last letter of the evening

[57:02] Hey, do you like losing tendrils then you'll love David Cronenberg. Do you like orifices?

[57:08] Last letter I

[57:10] recently orifice and Eurydice

[57:12] The classic Greek myth of the of the two lovers who had real gross goopy orifices with like videotapes in them and stuff

[57:20] I recently had the pleasure of catching a rare showing of a Robert Altman's long-lost masterpiece

[57:26] Korn's a poppin during a special gathering at the MoMA

[57:30] Featuring incestual overtones so strong

[57:32] They just become tones more songs than actual plot and literally every single character screaming their lines at the top of their lungs

[57:39] It was quite possibly the worst movie I've ever had the pleasure of laughing at while being so feverish

[57:44] I thought I might die great title though

[57:47] Have any of you ever experienced the same watching a movie by a veritable master one of your favorite directors or writers and being?

[57:54] Incredibly disappointed or even not disappointed, but just deeply and sincerely

[58:00] confused

[58:02] Keep on flopping the house down

[58:04] sincerely John last name withheld

[58:08] so

[58:09] big big swings and misses by

[58:12] favorite directors

[58:14] This is a tough one. I mean, I mean every director has their disappointments

[58:18] Yeah, I mean like Hitchcock had a bunch of them, but they're mostly just boring like well

[58:23] but also I feel like there's something about an older director where it's like as

[58:27] Soon as you're done with one of their bad movies, you can go watch one of their good movies

[58:31] There's something about when I direct you're really looking forward to a movie from a director

[58:35] You like a lot and it comes out and it's not good

[58:38] Like a David Fincher is not one of my favorites, but I loved Zodiac

[58:41] So I was like on board for whatever was next and then he came out with Benjamin Button

[58:45] I was like, well, and I just remember the seat like after the first half are I'm like, what the hell is this?

[58:50] And there's the movement I'm like seriously this way what like this is the same guy

[58:55] For me, I think it I think it was when I saw I saw lovely bones. Oh

[59:03] That is such a bad move like King Kong bafflingly King Kong is not great

[59:08] But it has some great moment like King Kong a lot, but I feel like

[59:13] Man, lovely bones. I never actually saw lovely bones. I have to admit I do not

[59:17] Comically bad

[59:19] like

[59:21] Spider-man in it. Imagine a movie that is like based on like the

[59:26] Abuse and murder of a young girl keep talking

[59:29] but then it's like shot like a Hallmark card and then it has like

[59:33] Stanley Tucci as like the most like it's like a cartoon serial killer, basically

[59:40] So Freddy from that Nightmare on Elm Street cartoon like he's a clown

[59:44] But he's also like a dude in the neighborhood like those children

[59:49] Yeah, it's not it's not he's a cartoon serial killer. Like what Fenwick from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

[59:56] You have to assume he was killing people in his spare time, right? I mean my experience is it's just been

[1:00:00] mostly disappointment, not like, this is comically bad.

[1:00:03] Like, I remember watching Intolerable Cruelty

[1:00:05] and being like, okay, well, this is not a good

[1:00:07] Coen Brothers movie.

[1:00:08] Yeah, I mean, when the Coen Brothers have failed

[1:00:10] the few times they have, it's not comically bad,

[1:00:12] it's just, like, painfully bad.

[1:00:13] Like that in Lady Killers, or, there was a,

[1:00:16] I was not expecting any of it, but I remember

[1:00:18] when I was, like, 13, I think, my grandmother and I

[1:00:21] went to the Museum of Modern Art, and they had some,

[1:00:25] I think the movies that were shown were all, like,

[1:00:27] writers who directed movies.

[1:00:29] And we just went to whatever was playing that day,

[1:00:31] and it was, was it Dead Men Don't Dance,

[1:00:34] or whatever it's called, the Norman Mailer movie?

[1:00:37] And I remember we're watching it, it was so bad,

[1:00:40] and there's a part, they're at this party

[1:00:41] where everyone is doing cocaine, and this woman goes,

[1:00:45] this doorbell rings, this woman goes,

[1:00:47] oh, it's my boyfriend, and she takes off all her clothes,

[1:00:50] and then walks to the door, and it's somebody else,

[1:00:51] and she's like, oh, forget it.

[1:00:53] And then something else stupid happened,

[1:00:56] and my grandmother just goes, this movie is not for us,

[1:00:58] and walked out and left, and I was like,

[1:01:00] was it because she thought it was inappropriate?

[1:01:02] No, it was just terrible, like, it means we walked out

[1:01:05] before the great moment of, oh, man, oh, geez, oh, God,

[1:01:10] whatever it is that Ryan O'Neill has,

[1:01:12] where it's some of the, it's like the acting moment

[1:01:15] where he begged Norman Mailer to cut it out of the movie.

[1:01:17] And I also find that, like, often with, like,

[1:01:20] directors I like, it's not so much that they had,

[1:01:22] like, this one, like, crazy outlier,

[1:01:26] it's like they had, like, a depressing, slow decline,

[1:01:28] like, I don't know, like, John Carpenter or Joe Dante

[1:01:31] or something, where it's just like, okay, well,

[1:01:33] each successive movie I like less than the last.

[1:01:36] Thank you for sort of making me sad.

[1:01:42] You're welcome.

[1:01:43] Yep.

[1:01:44] Yeah.

[1:01:46] Yeah.

[1:01:47] We're bringing it down on a bleak note.

[1:01:49] Ending letters.

[1:01:50] Okay, so that was the last letter, huh?

[1:01:51] Wow, I'm sad.

[1:01:52] I thought the worst part of the letters thing

[1:01:53] was gonna be my sex song.

[1:01:54] Yeah.

[1:01:55] Nope, that was the best part.

[1:01:57] Happy anniversary, Bethany.

[1:01:58] Let's wrap it up, then.

[1:02:00] Sex letter segment, it's over now.

[1:02:03] Sex letter segment, oh, and how.

[1:02:06] 50 Shades of Grey, it's the sex episode of the Flop House.

[1:02:12] No, don't, don't talk into the microphone, guys.

[1:02:15] Don't do that, you'll ruin my song.

[1:02:17] Censored, censored.

[1:02:18] Sexy.

[1:02:19] Redacted.

[1:02:20] Find someone you love and hit them lightly on the butt.

[1:02:25] That's sex in the movies.

[1:02:28] I guess, technically.

[1:02:30] It's real groovy.

[1:02:31] According to the contract, it is.

[1:02:32] Yeah, they might be into it.

[1:02:33] Yeah.

[1:02:34] So, what do we do now, Dan?

[1:02:36] Say goodbye?

[1:02:37] No, no, the final segment.

[1:02:38] Burn this thing?

[1:02:39] No, our purgatory is not yet over.

[1:02:41] Is to recommend a movie that we liked.

[1:02:44] I'll go first.

[1:02:45] In opposition to the movie that we just made fun of.

[1:02:47] It's called 50 Shades of Grey.

[1:02:49] No.

[1:02:50] It's called 50 Shades of Grey.

[1:02:50] I'm going to recommend a little movie

[1:02:52] that's also pretty, pretty sexy.

[1:02:56] It's about a freak.

[1:02:57] It's from a, it's from a tiny little country

[1:03:01] called New Zealand.

[1:03:03] New Zealand.

[1:03:09] It's called What We Do in the Shadows.

[1:03:13] Oh, I want to see that movie.

[1:03:14] It's what I would file in my video store

[1:03:17] under vampire comedy.

[1:03:19] So, what else is in that?

[1:03:21] Embrace of the vampire.

[1:03:22] And, what, Vampire's Kiss?

[1:03:25] There's Love at First Bite.

[1:03:27] Love at First Bite.

[1:03:27] Yeah, Love at First Bite.

[1:03:28] Dracula Dead and Loving It.

[1:03:30] Translating to 65,000.

[1:03:32] That's a place under staff picks

[1:03:34] in the vampire comedy section.

[1:03:36] It's a, this is a huge category.

[1:03:38] I never realized.

[1:03:39] My Best Friend is a Vampire.

[1:03:40] Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein.

[1:03:42] Yep, that's in there.

[1:03:43] Which has Dracula in it.

[1:03:44] Mm-hmm.

[1:03:45] Okay, so, What We Do in the Shadows.

[1:03:48] Mad monster party.

[1:03:49] It's a New Zealand comedy.

[1:03:51] It is a.

[1:03:52] Dracula Spring Break.

[1:03:53] It is a mockumentary, I guess,

[1:03:56] about a group of vampires who live together

[1:03:59] in a house in New Zealand.

[1:04:02] How is it pronounced?

[1:04:06] To quote Lobo Morunga.

[1:04:08] Lobo Morunga.

[1:04:09] And, they're preparing for some kind of,

[1:04:12] I don't know, some kind of like,

[1:04:13] dance or get together of other vampires.

[1:04:16] Oh, Fearless Vampire Killers.

[1:04:17] Yes.

[1:04:18] Another comedy.

[1:04:19] And, it.

[1:04:20] Or, pardon me.

[1:04:21] It features Jermaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords.

[1:04:25] I'll tell you what's Jermaine to this situation.

[1:04:27] Jermaine, Jermaine.

[1:04:27] There's no R.

[1:04:28] I'm gonna say it normal.

[1:04:30] It's Jermaine Clement.

[1:04:32] But, it's very, very funny.

[1:04:34] And, it's great.

[1:04:36] And, it's funny.

[1:04:37] And, you should watch it,

[1:04:38] because it'll make you laugh.

[1:04:40] Weirdly.

[1:04:41] Reese Darby's in it.

[1:04:42] And, that guy.

[1:04:42] That guy's super funny.

[1:04:43] Say whatever the fuck he wants, and I will laugh.

[1:04:45] Yeah, we're werewolves, and that's werewolves.

[1:04:47] Exactly.

[1:04:48] But, I watched.

[1:04:52] I went on a train trip this weekend,

[1:04:53] and I watched two movies.

[1:04:54] Oh, new.

[1:04:55] You're watching movies on different modes of transportation.

[1:04:57] Trains and planes.

[1:04:58] I watched two movies.

[1:05:00] And, one of them was What We Do in the Shadows.

[1:05:02] Trains, planes, and automotive movie deals.

[1:05:03] That's why I went first,

[1:05:04] because I was worried Dan was gonna snake my bacon.

[1:05:07] I gotta say, I.

[1:05:08] You know.

[1:05:08] Cartoon cabaret.

[1:05:09] I enjoyed What We Do in the Shadows.

[1:05:11] I did not laugh as much as I expected to.

[1:05:13] I don't know.

[1:05:14] I think I might be a little.

[1:05:16] Here's the thing.

[1:05:16] Your funny bone got broke.

[1:05:18] I think I might.

[1:05:19] I thought it was your knee that got injured.

[1:05:20] I might be.

[1:05:21] Not your laugh parts.

[1:05:22] I might be a little tired of semi.

[1:05:27] Laughing?

[1:05:28] Semi-improvised comedy documentaries.

[1:05:31] Okay.

[1:05:32] I think that the,

[1:05:33] I found it more droll than I found funny.

[1:05:36] But, I did think it was good.

[1:05:37] Droll man versus the demonic toys?

[1:05:39] I'm not gonna argue that it wasn't good.

[1:05:42] He has no chance against those demonic toys.

[1:05:44] And now I'm going to.

[1:05:45] He doesn't have a blaster or anything.

[1:05:47] He's just got witty bon mots.

[1:05:49] Yes.

[1:05:50] And now I'm going to totally get rid of any credibility

[1:05:53] after saying that I didn't find that as funny

[1:05:56] as I thought it would be.

[1:05:57] By recommending the movie I'm about to recommend,

[1:05:58] which is the other movie I watched on the train,

[1:06:01] was Lucy, which I enjoyed a surprising amount.

[1:06:04] I've been hearing that's a fun movie.

[1:06:05] I was gonna say that for the flop house,

[1:06:07] but that's okay.

[1:06:07] Is that Lucy the movie you wouldn't let us watch,

[1:06:08] because you thought we might enjoy it?

[1:06:09] Yeah, because I thought we would like it.

[1:06:11] Turns out, I'm recommending it, so.

[1:06:14] We could have done an episode on that.

[1:06:15] Elliot and I have to watch it together now.

[1:06:18] Yeah.

[1:06:18] Wearing our pajamas.

[1:06:19] Yeah, cuddling.

[1:06:20] In our jammies.

[1:06:21] Cuddling, what?

[1:06:22] No, we're each gonna be.

[1:06:23] Isn't that weird?

[1:06:24] He didn't put that in the contract.

[1:06:25] We're gonna be sitting cross-legged in front of the TV

[1:06:27] with big bowls of cereal.

[1:06:30] I feel like a lot of people have recommended Lucy

[1:06:33] for us to watch on the show, for the show.

[1:06:36] And, I don't know, like I feel like there's a certain,

[1:06:39] there's like levels of sophistication,

[1:06:41] and there's a level of sophistication where you're like,

[1:06:43] that movie's stupid.

[1:06:45] And there's a level of sophistication above that level

[1:06:47] where you're like, that movie is deliberately stupid.

[1:06:51] And I feel like.

[1:06:52] Yeah, which category does it fit in loosely?

[1:06:54] I think that loosely, it fits in the second category.

[1:06:57] So Lucy fits that category loosely.

[1:06:59] I feel like that movie.

[1:07:00] Lucy, Lucy.

[1:07:02] Is deliberately, extravagantly, exuberantly dumb.

[1:07:05] Okay.

[1:07:06] And that's what I liked about it.

[1:07:08] It was.

[1:07:09] A lot of adverbs for one movie, Dan.

[1:07:11] I feel like a lot of people took that movie on

[1:07:13] because of the stupid 10% of your brain.

[1:07:17] Yeah, the limitless bullshit.

[1:07:18] Bullshit.

[1:07:19] And that is bullshit, but they just use it.

[1:07:20] Imagine a future of limitless bullshit.

[1:07:22] Does she drink any limitless blood to get super powerful?

[1:07:25] Yeah, she drinks some limitless aid.

[1:07:29] But I just think that.

[1:07:30] I don't think you took my question seriously.

[1:07:34] People looked at that.

[1:07:35] Question rescinded.

[1:07:36] People looked at this stuff and they're like,

[1:07:38] oh, this movie's stupid.

[1:07:39] Whereas I feel like they would have accepted that bullshit

[1:07:41] if they're just like.

[1:07:43] Oh, they just use more of their brain.

[1:07:45] I get it.

[1:07:46] No, no, no.

[1:07:46] They would have accepted the bullshit

[1:07:47] if they're just like.

[1:07:48] If they delimited themselves.

[1:07:49] If they were just straightforward,

[1:07:51] like this is a superhero movie.

[1:07:53] I'm like, oh, okay.

[1:07:54] This is a superhero movie.

[1:07:55] I will accept whatever bullshit you throw at me.

[1:07:57] As opposed to like a super gyro movie.

[1:08:00] But you know what I mean?

[1:08:01] Like, I feel like there are people out there

[1:08:04] who will be like, this is stupid

[1:08:06] because that doesn't make any sense.

[1:08:08] If Liam Neeson used more of his brain, I'd believe it.

[1:08:11] But not Scarlett Johansson.

[1:08:12] But they'll totally accept it if they're like,

[1:08:14] okay, this is a crazy comic book world.

[1:08:17] I take that.

[1:08:18] That's fine.

[1:08:19] And I think this is just a movie

[1:08:20] where it's a crazy comic book world

[1:08:22] and it goes in crazy weird directions

[1:08:24] that you didn't expect.

[1:08:25] Where Lucy literally like basically becomes God

[1:08:28] by the end of the movie.

[1:08:29] Wait, spoiler alert.

[1:08:30] So what you're saying is Lucy is Dan's pick

[1:08:33] for best picture of 2015?

[1:08:35] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[1:08:36] You've not paraphrased me in any way.

[1:08:39] Lucy in the sky with Dan McCoy.

[1:08:41] No, I'm just saying like, it's a fun, dumb movie.

[1:08:44] Like it's dumb, but it's dumb in like a way

[1:08:47] that is smart visually.

[1:08:50] Fun dot dot dot smart, says Dan McCoy of the Blophouse.

[1:08:53] It's fast.

[1:08:55] It's fast dot dot furious dot dot Dan McCoy.

[1:08:59] It's fewer than 90 minutes.

[1:09:01] It's enjoyable.

[1:09:01] Fewer than 90 minutes raves Dan McCoy of the Blophouse.

[1:09:07] I mean, you're acting as if you're making fun of me,

[1:09:09] but it is a qualified recommendation.

[1:09:11] I'm not saying it's like fucking Citizen Kane.

[1:09:13] I'm just saying it's fun.

[1:09:14] Like Citizen Kane, says Dan McCoy of the Blophouse.

[1:09:17] All right, go fuck yourselves.

[1:09:18] Dot dot dot, like Citizen Kane.

[1:09:21] Go fuck yourselves, L.A. Beecher.

[1:09:23] Go dot dot dot to Lucy, says Dan McCoy of the Blophouse.

[1:09:31] Go dot dot dot, end of the sentence,

[1:09:33] says Dan McCoy of the Blophouse.

[1:09:36] I'm gonna recommend a movie

[1:09:38] that is maybe the exact opposite of Lucy,

[1:09:40] and that is a, in some ways, semi-documentary.

[1:09:44] It's called, it's called Busey.

[1:09:47] And it's a story about Gary Busey

[1:09:50] using 100% of his brain to make the movie Ginger Dead Man.

[1:09:59] Anyway, it's called.

[1:10:00] The movie I'd like to recommend is called Downhill Racer.

[1:10:07] It's a movie from the 60s.

[1:10:09] Michael Ritchie?

[1:10:10] Michael Ritchie film.

[1:10:11] Michael Ritchie, who has had one of the strangest careers in filmmaking.

[1:10:14] Brother of Lionel Ritchie, right?

[1:10:16] Yes, exactly.

[1:10:17] Bad News Bears, Smile, Crime Cut.

[1:10:20] Yep.

[1:10:21] He made a ton of good movies, and then he also made a ton of terrible movies, like Cops and Robbersons.

[1:10:28] It's a Michael Ritchie film with Robert Redford and Gene Hackman about the exciting world of competitive downhill skiing racing,

[1:10:36] which asked me, am I interested in skiing?

[1:10:39] No, I am not.

[1:10:40] I find it stupid, and I'm not interested in it.

[1:10:43] But the movie managed to make it...

[1:10:45] It took my knee from me.

[1:10:47] Dan has a particular hatred for it.

[1:10:50] But this is a movie that manages to make it seem interesting and exciting, less so for the characters.

[1:10:57] It's about a young guy who is a very talented skier and kind of finds himself turning his back on...

[1:11:02] It's the only way he can save the rec center.

[1:11:04] Yeah, exactly.

[1:11:05] He finds himself turning his back on basically everyone else in his life in his drive to get to the Olympics and win a gold medal in downhill skiing.

[1:11:14] And he's not a likable character.

[1:11:17] He's not supposed to be a likable character.

[1:11:18] It's one of these late 60s movies about an unlikable guy.

[1:11:21] But the scenes of them preparing for skiing and the life of these guys as they travel around to different ski tournaments in Europe and everything

[1:11:28] becomes really fascinating, and it feels like a thinly fictionalized documentary in a lot of ways.

[1:11:34] And the skiing scenes are really amazing, especially for the time, like the way they were able to get certain shots

[1:11:40] and the way they mix the sound to get the experience across.

[1:11:43] So I would recommend it for anyone who doesn't want to go skiing but wants to vaguely know what it's like to go skiing.

[1:11:49] Downhill Racer.

[1:11:51] Also, the sequel, Downhill Eraserhead.

[1:11:54] Three completely non-qualified recommendations.

[1:11:57] Yep.

[1:11:58] I thought mine was a really good movie.

[1:12:00] You loved yours.

[1:12:01] And, of course, Dan referred to Lucy as dot, dot, dot, like Citizen Kane.

[1:12:04] Go, dot, dot, dot, end of sentence.

[1:12:06] Dot, dot, dot, fewer than 90 minutes.

[1:12:10] Go, dot, dot, dot, yourselves.

[1:12:14] Go, dot, dot, dot, says Dan McCoy.

[1:12:18] Go, dot, dot, dot, yourselves.

[1:12:22] To see Lucy.

[1:12:23] I'm supposed to take someone else.

[1:12:26] Did I specify?

[1:12:28] I wasn't telling them that other people should go.

[1:12:31] Other people should go, says Dan McCoy.

[1:12:34] Go.

[1:12:36] Glad I was.

[1:12:38] That's the part where you sound like Yoda.

[1:12:40] Glad I was.

[1:12:41] That Lucy I saw.

[1:12:43] All right.

[1:12:44] Well, this has been a very sexy episode of The Flop House.

[1:12:48] Maybe the sexiest.

[1:12:50] Actually, it's maybe one of the less sexy episodes of The Flop House.

[1:12:52] I hope that you've achieved climax by the time that we sign off, which is now.

[1:12:58] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:13:00] You should have begun masturbating at the start of the episode, and now you may come at the sound of the beep.

[1:13:05] Beep.

[1:13:06] Oh, that's gross.

[1:13:08] Should I have said release?

[1:13:10] Yes.

[1:13:11] Oh, sorry.

[1:13:12] Pull release.

[1:13:13] Who are you?

[1:13:14] Oh, man.

[1:13:15] I'm Stuart.

[1:13:16] And as shamed as always, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:13:19] Good night, everyone.

[1:13:20] Stuart wouldn't even say his last name.

[1:13:22] Jizz, jizz, tons of jizz.

[1:13:24] What are you doing?

[1:13:25] Squirting all over my dick.

[1:13:26] Horrible.

[1:13:31] So I was watching The Daily Show yesterday.

[1:13:34] I says to Mabel, I says, I says.

[1:13:38] And I liked how you guys had Tom Brokaw on.

[1:13:41] Oh, wait, he's here right now.

[1:13:43] It's me, Tom Brokaw.

[1:13:46] It's not bad.

[1:13:47] It's not a bad.

[1:13:48] No, it's not good.

[1:13:49] The greatest generation.

[1:13:51] Compared to the other.

[1:13:53] More like the fleecing of America.

[1:13:56] That's me, Tom Brokaw.

[1:14:00] Took me forever to get here.

[1:14:02] I had to walk.

[1:14:03] This is Jimmy Stewart.

[1:14:04] It's higher pitch.

[1:14:05] It's good to meet you.

[1:14:06] I'm Tom Brokaw.

[1:14:07] I had to walk the whole way.

[1:14:09] I don't take the subway train.

[1:14:11] Deeper Jimmy Stewart.

[1:14:12] With a little bit more song.

[1:14:14] It's me, Tom Brokaw.

[1:14:15] It's Tom Brokaw.

[1:14:16] Welcome to NBC Nightly News.

[1:14:19] If God wanted me to travel in tunnels in the ground,

[1:14:23] he would have made me shy halude.

[1:14:26] It's just like that scene in the trip.

[1:14:29] Just like every scene in the trip.

[1:14:32] By the way, I just read Dune.

[1:14:34] It's great.

[1:14:35] I consider myself kind of a modjib of NBC News.

[1:14:45] You do a good Tom Brokaw.

[1:14:47] Oh, thanks.

[1:14:48] I'll add that to my list.

[1:14:50] I was on it, Dan.

[1:14:51] You have two voices you do now.

[1:14:53] What if Tom Brokaw was on a date with Michael Caine?

[1:14:57] I think it would end in disappointment.

[1:15:01] Oh, all right.

[1:15:02] Because they're both straight gentlemen.

[1:15:04] I was thinking because Michael Caine would not be able to last very long.

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:12] I'm used to a longer lasting lover.

[1:15:16] I'm afraid that you're just too erotic for me.

[1:15:19] I'm sorry, Tom.

[1:15:20] I spilled my seed almost immediately.

[1:15:24] It's all in my hair.

[1:15:33] Do you have some kind of comb to cut it out of my hair?

[1:15:37] Please leave.

[1:15:38] Maybe peanut butter.

[1:15:41] This is not a serious relationship, Tom.

[1:15:45] This is a one night stand.

[1:15:46] Would you just take your things and go?

[1:15:48] But I didn't even get a nut.

[1:15:51] The ad said no names, except we're both quite famous.

[1:15:56] It was very hard to avoid us knowing each other's names.

Ep. #178 - 50 Shades of Grey

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