Ep. #179 - Mortdecai

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Mordecai.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Oh, I saw posters for that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[0:06] Yeah, Johnny Depp's in it, and he has a mustache, and he's in the movie on the poster,

[0:09] and it's called Mordecai, and Johnny Depp is in it with a mustache on the poster.

[0:13] The movie's called Mordecai.

[0:14] Who's in it?

[0:15] Mr. John Depp.

[0:16] And what's he wearing?

[0:17] Mustache on the face.

[0:19] Name of the movie?

[0:20] Mordecai.

[0:20] I haven't seen it.

[0:30] Hey, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[0:48] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:49] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:52] Hey, guys.

[0:53] I'm Stuart.

[0:54] Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Can opening sound.

[0:56] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:57] Sorry, I stepped on your last name, Stuart, which is Wellington.

[1:00] It's okay.

[1:00] I wish you guys at home could see the way that Stuart.

[1:03] And girls.

[1:04] The pregnant pause as Stuart waited for his chance to say his name so he could open his Modella.

[1:13] Modello, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14] Modella.

[1:15] Modella is the female version of a Modello.

[1:19] Nelson Modello.

[1:21] I don't know if to be offended by that or impressed.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] An important fear.

[1:25] An important fear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] Dan is literally two for two in misreading what it says on Stuart's beer can.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Oh, Modello is an important beer.

[1:38] Well, I should give it a good seat in my restaurant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Away from the kitchen.

[1:44] You have a 100% perfect record in mispronouncing beer text.

[1:49] Hold on.

[1:50] If this was an eye test at a bar, you would have failed.

Dan McCoy

[1:53] Cerveza Especial.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56] It's pretty good, man.

[1:57] I can do it better in Spanish.

[1:59] He's got you.

[2:00] He's got you there.

[2:01] Is Spanish your native language?

[2:05] I don't know.

[2:07] So no is what you're saying.

[2:08] You hear a lot of body acting there, people listening.

[2:11] Dan, knowing it's an audio podcast that he's been doing for, what, eight years now, decided

[2:15] to do an exaggerated shrug.

[2:18] Since, what, we would hear the air currents passing over your shoulders?

Dan McCoy

[2:22] I'm creating a theater of the mind.

[2:24] Yep.

[2:25] There's an audio space that is being heard and sensed.

[2:29] And it's between your ears.

[2:32] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[2:32] Wait, we're in a haunted house of some kind?

[2:34] Yeah, I'm just making a theater.

[2:37] No theater is complete without a haunted house chainsaw.

[2:39] A home theater of the mind.

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] So what do we do on this podcast?

[2:43] Apparently we just say junk.

Dan McCoy

[2:44] We watch a bad movie.

[2:46] And then we talk about it.

[2:48] How do we talk about it?

[2:49] Quickly.

[2:50] Dricably.

[2:51] With a lot of digressions and some jokes.

[2:55] Okay.

[2:56] That sounds pretty fun.

Stuart Wellington

[2:57] Sign me up.

[2:57] We probably summarize the movie.

[2:59] Yeah.

[3:00] Somebody does.

[3:00] Not always.

Elliott Kalan

[3:01] All right.

[3:01] I'll take one, please.

[3:03] I'll ride this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[3:05] Okay.

[3:05] Well, I want you to take a seat right there.

[3:07] You got it.

[3:08] Sitting down.

[3:08] Okay.

[3:08] You want to spread your napkin on your lap.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] You might get a little bit of splatter on you.

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] Okay.

[3:12] Well, I don't know why.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] Just on my nap.

[3:14] On my lap.

[3:15] My lap.

[3:16] I'll just strap myself in right now so I can get wet on this ride.

[3:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:20] Your napkin's there?

Elliott Kalan

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] My napkin's on my lap.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] Sir.

[3:26] Sir.

[3:27] Sir.

[3:27] You're being awfully aggressive about this napkin.

[3:30] Sir.

[3:31] Sir.

[3:32] Please spread it on your lap.

[3:33] I did.

[3:34] I did.

Elliott Kalan

[3:34] Sir.

[3:34] The napkin is on the lap.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] All right.

[3:37] This is for your safety, sir.

[3:38] I don't care.

[3:39] I don't care if you die.

[3:41] This is just a job to me.

[3:42] This is for you, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] Is this the ride?

Dan McCoy

[3:45] Do I just get abuse?

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:47] This is the ride.

[3:48] It's for people who get off on abuse.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] Okay.

[3:51] I'd like to get off this ride, please.

[3:53] Unstrap me.

[3:54] No.

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] You signed up for the entire podcast.

[3:57] We'll unstrap you in about, how long is this podcast?

[3:59] Like two hours long?

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:01] Yeah.

[4:01] Sometimes.

[4:02] Okay.

[4:02] So we're talking about a movie we watched.

Dan McCoy

[4:04] It's the Dana Gould show.

[4:05] That's a long podcast for podcast fans.

[4:08] It's not a difference.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] The Day Gould show?

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:09] The Dana Gould show.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] It's Day Gould.

[4:12] The Day Gould show.

[4:13] It's a ghoul who just really likes to get a suntan.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] It's a daytime show for ghouls.

[4:17] It's like Ellen.

[4:18] The ghoul dances up the aisles, dances down the aisles, interviews Kristen Bell or something.

[4:23] Anyway.

[4:23] So, Dan.

[4:24] Yeah.

[4:25] That's me.

[4:26] Hold on.

[4:26] I know that name.

[4:27] What movie did we watch on this bad movie podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:29] We watched Mordecai.

[4:31] It's about Johnny Depp and his most...

[4:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:34] The movie's about Johnny Depp.

[4:36] Yep.

[4:36] It's a biopic.

[4:38] Who plays Johnny Depp in this movie, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[4:40] Gwyneth Paltrow.

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] Wow.

[4:43] I mean, I'd buy it.

[4:44] Gender blind casting.

Dan McCoy

[4:45] It's interesting.

[4:46] It's a switch-em-up.

[4:47] It's...

[4:47] They both peed in a fountain.

[4:50] They both peed in a fountain.

[4:51] Yeah.

[4:52] It's like that...

[4:53] Vice versa.

[4:54] It's like that song.

[4:55] Two peas in a fountain.

[4:57] No, that's about the game of Pinochle.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] Okay.

[4:59] When you're playing it over a fountain and the peas fall in.

[5:02] Okay.

[5:02] I get it.

[5:02] So, Mordecai is a comedy, right?

[5:05] Yep.

[5:06] Ostensibly.

[5:07] Now, here's...

[5:08] This seems to have been...

[5:09] So, this was made, we should say, directed by David Koepp.

[5:12] Is that how it's pronounced?

[5:13] Who we all like, I think.

[5:14] Off to a great start.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] I like a lot of his stuff.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] His previous movie was Premium Rush, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] One of his previous movies.

[5:22] I don't know if it's his last director.

[5:23] I feel like that was the last one before that.

[5:24] But I liked that a lot.

Dan McCoy

[5:25] Yeah.

[5:25] I got a kick out of that.

[5:27] Mm-hmm.

[5:27] Michael Shannon is very funny in that movie.

[5:29] Yep.

[5:30] Yep.

[5:30] A lot of...

[5:31] There's a lot of...

[5:32] Just good...

[5:32] New York geography is somewhat accurate.

[5:36] Yeah.

[5:36] That's an interesting thing in a movie.

[5:37] You rarely see a movie that takes that much care in actually getting the geography of a city down.

[5:42] Mm-hmm.

[5:44] Yeah, it's a pulse-pounding thrill ride for the senses that's as funny as it is heartbreaking.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] Yeah.

[5:50] Anyway...

[5:51] I don't know if it's heartbreaking, but yes.

[5:52] So that's Premium Rush, but we were watching Mordecai, and so this is based on...

[5:56] Yeah, which is not a Premium Rush.

[5:57] This seems to be based on some kind of...

[5:59] It's a great...

[6:00] There's plenty of Rush available.

[6:02] This is the budget Rush.

[6:05] Not Premium.

[6:06] Yeah, readily available.

Dan McCoy

[6:07] This is the sort of Rush that they give to students and prisoners.

[6:11] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] So it's not the kind of Rush that...

[6:14] It's a telling comment on the Rush distribution system in our country.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:19] Something like that.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] It's like Eric Schlosser's book, Rush Food Nation.

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] You're making this harder for us to do, Dan.

[6:26] How am I doing that?

[6:27] I'm just doing the normal gibberish.

[6:29] Yeah, I know.

[6:30] Yeah, but it's somehow gibrier.

[6:33] So let's talk about what this movie's about.

[6:36] So it's based on some series of English comedy novels, which seem to be themselves kind of like violent...

[6:41] Loosely...

[6:41] Jeeves and Wooster type things.

[6:44] And Johnny Depp plays an unscrupulous art dealer, Lord Charlie Mordecai, who has a curled up mustache that he just grew.

[6:54] There's only one...

[6:55] That is a huge plot point.

[6:56] Yeah, there's a couple flashbacks to his mustache list before, but everyone feels the need to comment on his mustache.

[7:03] His mustache has a fucking arc in this movie.

[7:05] Yeah, that's true.

[7:06] It's really a central conflict of the film.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:08] The mustache has a lot more character than many of the characters in the movie.

[7:11] But we're introduced to him in a kind of knockoff of the opening of Temple of Doom, where he is trading a vase.

[7:17] He hopes for money to a Chinese art buyer.

[7:23] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] You know.

[7:24] Asian.

[7:25] I mean, I think it's keeping in the sensitivity of Mordecai that we don't know exactly what ethnicity this character is.

Elliott Kalan

[7:33] He's in Hong Kong, so I'm guessing it's Chinese.

[7:34] Sure.

[7:35] But things almost go bad.

[7:37] This is a guy he's swindled in the past, this Hong Kong gangster.

[7:41] And they're going to cut off Mordecai's finger.

[7:43] But luckily, he's saved by his manservant, Jock, played by Paul Bettany.

Dan McCoy

[7:47] What's the full name of this character?

[7:50] Jock.

[7:51] Wait, you know the full name?

[7:52] Yeah.

[7:53] The full name of this character is, get ready to hold your sides.

[7:56] Why?

[7:57] Is someone going to shoot me and punch me?

Stuart Wellington

[8:00] Holding onto your sides will prevent the bullet from inning your body.

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] Am I holding onto a side of beef because it might fall down and get dirty?

Dan McCoy

[8:06] It is Jock Strap.

[8:09] Oh, okay.

[8:10] That's the character's name.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] I don't think that's ever said.

[8:12] Jock Strap.

[8:13] I don't think it's ever said in the movie, though.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] No.

[8:15] They were nervous that if they said it in the movie, people would laugh.

[8:17] They just explode.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] Their brains would say, like, I got it.

Dan McCoy

[8:22] Just explode.

[8:23] Their socks would be knocked off with such force that they would propel themselves through

[8:27] the moviegoer in front of them.

Elliott Kalan

[8:29] Killing them.

[8:30] And meanwhile.

[8:31] There'd be a big hole through their chest.

[8:33] And the moviegoer had lost the sock.

[8:35] The sock would burst off.

[8:36] Yeah, the force would leave their feet shredded in tatters.

[8:39] Yeah.

[8:39] Just mangled bones.

[8:41] It's a double homicide from what you do.

[8:42] Yeah, they would slap their knees so hard as to literally knock the kneecap off of

[8:47] their leg, tearing the flesh, bleeding.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] The kneecap would go spinning into the air, and several people would misreport it as a

[8:55] UFO.

[8:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:56] Mass hysteria would rock the nation, and the government would fall apart.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] The tickling of the funny bone would occur at such force that the human body would vibrate

[9:04] to the point of blood leaking out of every pore.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] To just liquification.

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:09] So that's what would happen if you knew his name was Jockstrap.

[9:12] But he's played by Paul Bettany, and he's kind of a combination bodyguard, manservant.

[9:18] Like a Brock Samson.

[9:19] Yeah, he's Brock Samson, plus a little bit of Kato from the Pink Panther movies, plus Jeeves

[9:24] from Jeeves and Worcester.

[9:26] Like there's a, he's your kind of all-service thing.

[9:28] And I'm just going to go out on a limb and say right now, I really enjoyed this character

[9:32] a lot.

[9:32] Yeah.

[9:33] He is one of these characters who is always very subservient to his boss, even though he's

[9:39] clearly smarter than him and better than him at everything.

[9:42] But he's very protective of his boss.

[9:43] And they gave, the one thing I don't like about him is they gave him the character trait of

[9:47] the ladies love him and he's always having sex with ladies.

[9:50] And it feels like it makes the character-

[9:52] Jealous.

[9:53] Well, certainly, of course.

[9:53] Jealous.

[9:54] As any, as I would have any man who is just catnip to ladies.

[9:58] Since I am, what's the opposite of catnip?

[10:00] What drives cats away?

Dan McCoy

[10:02] Daughters.

[10:03] Citrus.

[10:03] They don't like the smell of citrus.

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] I'm like, I'm like a, like a water bottle full of change being shaken.

[10:09] Sure.

[10:09] To cats.

[10:10] Or like just being sprayed, a water bottle being sprayed at a cat to ladies.

[10:13] Fire.

[10:14] They don't like fire either.

[10:15] Yeah, yeah.

[10:15] I'm like a flamethrower.

[10:17] But the-

[10:18] Dogs?

[10:19] I feel like it makes-

[10:19] Nah, some dogs.

[10:21] Yeah, I've seen some unlikely animal friends on the internet that were pretty adorable.

[10:25] I think it's, there's, it's funnier to me for a character to be super competent but not

[10:29] getting any respect-

[10:30] That's true.

[10:30] Than to see a character who is super competent, also a ladies' man, and yet for no reason chooses

[10:35] to stay with his-

[10:37] Right.

[10:37] Stupid boss.

[10:39] You know, it's funnier to me if he's devoted to his boss and doesn't realize almost how

[10:43] much better he is.

Dan McCoy

[10:44] But that's in the Jeeves and Worcester tradition though.

[10:48] Like the-

[10:48] Was Jeeves constantly getting fucking ladies?

[10:51] Well, no.

[10:51] We don't know his success rate with ladies.

[10:53] That would not address-

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] I'm gonna, I'm gonna bet that maybe PJ Woodhouse-

[10:56] PJ Woodhouse did not.

[10:56] PJ Woodhouse wrote them under his pseudonym Penis Giant Woodhouse with Wood spelled W-O-O-D.

[11:04] There was a line of t-shirts, right?

[11:05] No, what are they called?

[11:06] Yeah, it was called Jeeves and Worcester.

Dan McCoy

[11:08] I'm just saying that-

[11:09] Where he was Worcesting all the ladies.

[11:11] It's the same situation where a hyper-competent character-

[11:14] Oh, no, exactly.

[11:14] Is serving a less than competent character.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] No, I like that, and I like that setup a lot.

[11:19] I just don't like the constant ladybanging.

[11:22] Yeah.

[11:22] Because it feels like the more this character is rewarded for his competency, the less funny

[11:27] it is to me.

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:28] The same way that Jeeves and Worcester would stop being funny to me if Jeeves became rich.

[11:33] Did that ever happen?

[11:34] No.

[11:35] I mean, that was a very specific-

[11:36] Yeah, he won the lottery or something.

[11:37] Like if Jeeves won the lottery, or like if it turned out-

[11:39] Like in Roseanne.

[11:41] Like in that final season of Roseanne, when Jim Varney showed up as that English Duke.

[11:46] Well, that was very-

[11:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] Jeeves and Worcester is very specifically a play on the class system, showing the supposed

[11:54] lower class being more competent than the upper class.

[11:56] I mean, here in Mordecai, it doesn't necessarily translate.

[11:59] Well, there's a little bit of that, but not quite as much.

[12:01] Yeah.

[12:01] It's just a couple wacky guys being wacky together.

Elliott Kalan

[12:04] Anyway, they go back to London.

[12:05] Like wacky guys do.

[12:06] Yep.

[12:07] They go back to London.

[12:07] I would describe this movie as wacky, you're right.

[12:09] It is wacky.

[12:10] Mad cap.

[12:11] It's a zany romp.

[12:12] This is very much in the style of those 60s zany romps that they made-

[12:17] Casino Royale.

[12:18] Thousands of-

[12:19] What's New Pussycat?

[12:20] Basically, like almost every movie Peter Sellers made that when you watch it, you're like,

[12:24] oh, this isn't very good.

[12:26] Like it's in the style of those movies.

[12:27] Alice Toklas, whatever that fucking thing.

[12:29] I love you, Alice B. Toklas.

[12:30] Yeah.

[12:31] Which is not-

[12:32] The party.

[12:32] Very like swinging 60s.

[12:34] Swinging madcap mod 60s.

[12:38] 60s swinging so high and so low.

Dan McCoy

[12:41] You're swinging all the way around the swing set.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] Wow.

[12:44] That's pretty swinging.

[12:46] So they try to emulate that by-

[12:49] By not having jokes.

[12:50] By not having jokes.

[12:50] Well, I would say with having-

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] It's an over-the-top cartoonish style.

Stuart Wellington

[12:55] Having the costumes more interesting than anything said by any character.

[12:59] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[13:00] But I'm going to go on-

[13:01] And having cameos by stars who would then exit the movie very quickly.

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] Huge stars of yesterday, like Jeff Goldblum.

[13:08] Yeah, huge stars of yesteryear.

[13:09] The most golden of all the blooms.

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] Yeah, the golden age of Hollywood and Jeff Goldblum.

[13:14] Former husband of Marlena Dietrich.

[13:17] Jeff Silverblum?

[13:18] Jeff Silverblum?

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] I'm sorry.

[13:19] You have placed and you will receive the Jeff Bronzeblum.

Dan McCoy

[13:23] Why don't I even enter the competition?

[13:26] But you can enjoy this performance of Jeff Goldblum playing jazz piano.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] Which is something he does.

[13:32] Yeah.

[13:32] With the hand of a fly.

[13:36] Now, let's talk a little bit about the plot and then I'm going to tell you a shocking secret that I have about this movie.

[13:43] Okay.

[13:44] They extricate themselves from trouble.

[13:47] They go back to London.

[13:48] A little teaser.

[13:48] Just do it.

[13:49] Mordecai's wife, Joanna, played by Gwyneth Paltrow, does not like his new mustache.

[13:53] And every time she tries to kiss him, she gags, which makes him gag.

[13:57] It is a gag that is not funny and makes the audience gag.

[14:02] They are deeply in debt because they're a bunch of drunk layabouts.

[14:08] Mordecai is kind of like an incompetent Nick Charles.

[14:12] He's like a drunken party boy with a mustache who is not good at his job.

[14:16] Yeah.

[14:16] As opposed to Nick Charles who gets better at solving crimes the more he drinks.

[14:19] And gets less funny the less he drinks in the later movies.

Dan McCoy

[14:22] And she's a less ditzy Nora Charles who solves everything for her husband.

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] I don't think that's – oh, wait, no, in this movie she solves everything.

[14:29] Oh, okay.

[14:30] I thought you were saying that they were saying in the Thin Man movies.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] No, in the Thin Man movies, they are fairly equal partners.

[14:36] Nick is probably more of a detective.

[14:37] Nick is the one who solves the crimes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:38] There's always a part at the end where Nora is like, just explain to me who did it.

[14:42] And he's playing it out.

[14:44] But here's the story.

[14:46] Ewan McGregor, a government –

[14:47] Ewan McGregor's in this?

[14:49] He is.

[14:50] Which means –

[14:50] Obi-Wan Kenobi?

[14:52] Flopass fame?

[14:53] The man who originated the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[14:56] The man everyone thinks of when they hear the words Obi-Wan Kenobi?

[15:00] And took over Alec Guinness's role in Trainspotting.

[15:03] Ewan McGregor.

[15:05] I found myself addicted to heroin.

Stuart Wellington

[15:08] That's my kind of little puddly in Alec Guinness.

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:13] Luke.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] It's a suppository.

[15:16] What?

[15:17] Trainspotting.

[15:18] Anyway, it's called Jedi Spotting.

[15:20] It's like Trainspotting, but they're all Jedis, but they're still strung out on heroin.

[15:24] Okay.

[15:25] Why do you think they turned to the dark side?

[15:27] They didn't even do death sticks?

[15:28] You just doing heroin?

[15:29] They go straight to heroin.

[15:30] Straight to heroin.

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:31] Because the force is such a high, you need a really hard drug to beat it.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] You have so many midichlorians in your body, you need something really hard.

[15:38] Oh, okay.

[15:39] Just to even feel.

[15:40] Just to even get to zero.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Just to reach normal.

[15:45] Yeah.

[15:45] Just to get well.

[15:47] You're less than zero when you're a Jedi.

[15:49] Less than zero.

[15:52] So they're in debt.

[15:53] You and McGregor.

[15:53] Zero the Hutt.

[15:55] Zero the Hutt.

[15:57] That's the version of Star Wars where they digitally erase Jabba the Hutt.

[16:00] Yeah.

[16:00] And it's just, they're talking to an empty pedestal.

[16:04] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[16:05] Salacious Chrome is sitting on thin air.

[16:07] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] There's just a hat for some reason.

[16:10] Was the original Jabba wearing a hat?

[16:12] I never noticed.

[16:14] The sequel to the other famous George Lucas erasing film Zero the Greek where they removed

[16:18] Anthony Quinn from all the scenes.

Dan McCoy

[16:22] It's George Lucas' art project from his THX 1138 days.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] Well, he said, with the special editions I added in a lot of nonsense shit in the backgrounds.

[16:32] I know I tried to remove something necessary to the scenes as a way of taking it in the opposite

[16:36] direction.

[16:37] See, as an artist, I have to always be revolutionizing myself.

[16:40] It's an experiment in pure film.

Dan McCoy

[16:45] All right, George.

[16:47] I guess you got all the money.

[16:49] Do whatever you want.

Elliott Kalan

[16:51] Why not?

[16:52] You're a billionaire.

[16:53] Genius.

[16:55] Newt Gunray.

[16:56] That's a great name.

[16:57] Now, I took the original print of Casablanca and I replaced Rick with Jar Jar.

[17:04] I replaced Rick with a potted orchid.

[17:06] Just to see if anyone would tell the difference.

[17:09] It turns out they could.

[17:10] The orchid failed to have the charisma of Humphrey Bogart at his finest.

[17:14] Then I replaced Peter Lorre with kind of a small owl.

Dan McCoy

[17:20] Now, that was harder for people to discern.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] When the owl screeched, it sounded like Peter Lorre screeching.

[17:26] Now, again, when I replaced Claude Rains.

[17:28] The owl, the most Peter Lorre-like of the birds of prey.

[17:32] When I replaced Claude Rains with this collectible glass with a picture of Grimace from the McDonald's

[17:37] cast on it, again, people noticed.

[17:40] It was very hard to believe that the Grimace glass was making women sleep with him in order

[17:45] to get out of Casablanca.

[17:47] But at the end, it was quite touching when the Grimace glass and the potted orchid walk through

[17:52] the fog talking about the friendship they're going to have.

[17:56] Because despite their differences, one, of course, being a flower and the other being a collectible

[17:59] glass, they can be friends.

Dan McCoy

[18:02] I think you really struck on something about George Lucas is his craziness is lovable.

[18:08] Quite, yeah.

[18:08] Even when he does things that are totally wrong, there's something appealing about him.

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] Because there's something kind of like puppy dog-ish about him and his flannel shirts and

[18:15] his high-pitched voice and his love of old hot rods.

[18:18] Yep.

[18:19] His CGI haircut.

[18:20] Now, again, when I replaced Sidney Greenstreet with a Teddy Ruxpin, harder to tell the difference.

[18:26] Many people thought that I had actually improved the performance.

[18:30] Who, George?

[18:31] Who?

[18:31] Who thought that?

[18:32] Well, the makers of Teddy Ruxpin.

[18:35] Mr. Theodore Ruxpin.

[18:39] Oh, wait, I forgot that in Flophouse lore.

[18:42] What is Teddy Ruxpin?

[18:43] He's like, son?

[18:44] Well, much as Frankenstein's monster is now known as Frankenstein, yeah.

[18:48] Teddy Ruxpin, he couldn't have a child, so he created this monstrous robot bear.

[18:53] No, but I forgot that in Flophouse lore, Teddy Ruxpin is the son of Alan Ruck and a female

[19:00] bear.

[19:02] So go back to whatever episode that was in.

[19:06] Labor Day.

[19:07] That was in Labor Day?

Dan McCoy

[19:08] I think so.

[19:09] The Alan Ruck stuff was in Labor Day.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] He taught it to tell stories.

[19:13] He taught it.

[19:15] He gave it the magic power of being able to repeat the words on cassette tapes shoved into

[19:19] its butt.

[19:21] They called it Teddy Ruxpin.

Stuart Wellington

[19:22] They were putting them in the wrong place.

Elliott Kalan

[19:26] The Teddy Ruxpin didn't seem to mind.

[19:28] Anyway, we're not really into the movie.

[19:29] Here, let's do the plot fest.

[19:31] There's a secret painting by, previously unseen painting by Francisco Goya, the famous painter,

[19:36] which has been stolen in the murder of-

[19:37] And a bean entrepreneur.

[19:41] Founder of the bean empire.

[19:43] Go, Goya!

[19:44] They used to shout at him.

[19:45] The bullies as they taunted him.

[19:47] And he said, I'll show you.

[19:48] I'll make that a sign of pride.

[19:50] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[19:51] You won't have to soak your chickpeas anymore, thanks to me.

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] I wish I was Jupiter and you were my children so I could devour.

[19:59] Oh, it's not Jupiter.

[20:00] It's Kronos, right?

[20:01] Who devoured his children?

[20:02] Yes.

[20:03] Yeah, I wish I was Kronos and you were my children so I could devour you.

[20:05] Jupiter broke that cycle.

[20:06] That's true.

[20:07] Jupiter was the one who killed Kronos.

[20:08] Mm-hmm.

[20:09] Because Kronos couldn't tell the difference between a god and a rock in swaddling clothes.

[20:13] Exactly.

[20:13] So he deserved it.

[20:15] I don't know how Kronos managed to stay on top for so long.

[20:17] Mm-hmm.

[20:18] Now, there's this Goya painting.

[20:20] It was stolen in the murder of an art restorer.

[20:22] Ewan Greger is with MI5 and he believes that an international terrorist named-

[20:27] MI5.

[20:27] Yep.

[20:28] MI5.

[20:30] You're welcome, guys.

[20:31] Thanks.

[20:32] Thanks.

[20:33] Reminding us of the worst catchphrase of, what, the first decade of the 20th century?

[20:39] Yep.

[20:39] Never has a movie gone from, I think this is the cutting edge of comedy, to please stop

[20:44] now.

[20:45] In my, so fast in my mind, as Borat did.

[20:48] I saw it when it opened and I was like, that was great.

[20:50] And then I heard the catchphrase, I think, for three straight days and I was like, this

[20:52] movie sucks.

[20:54] Forget it.

[20:55] Anyway, they think this terrorist has stolen it so that he can, I don't know, sell it

[21:00] or something.

[21:00] Mordecai agrees to get it in exchange for having, I guess, his debt to the country wiped out

[21:06] and 10% of the insurance money or something.

[21:10] Something like that.

[21:10] Anyway, Mordecai goes all over the place, gets into a lot of crazy shenanigans.

[21:14] There's a shootout at a car garage.

[21:18] There is-

[21:18] There were some jokes there.

[21:20] There's a meeting between Gwyneth Paltrow and a guy named the Duke who-

[21:24] Who played the bad guy in Last Crusade.

[21:27] Which means-

[21:28] Not the main bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[21:29] And-

[21:29] I mean, he's a Nazi, dude.

[21:30] How bad do they get?

[21:31] He's a major bad guy.

Dan McCoy

[21:32] Well, Donovan is the lead bad guy in Last Crusade.

[21:34] He's the guy who was in that tank and then there's that weird, like, push in on his face

[21:40] as he goes over the cliff in the tank.

Stuart Wellington

[21:41] He goes-

[21:42] If you go over a cliff in a tank, your face is gonna be crazy.

[21:46] Oh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] I'm not arguing that.

[21:47] You're gonna get a case of what they call crazy face.

[21:50] He was also a Dick Tracy villain.

[21:52] Goran?

[21:52] Was that his name?

[21:53] I could have been.

[21:54] Yeah, Herman Goering was his name and he was a much bigger guy than in the movie.

[21:59] Anyway, so-

[22:00] But he's also a returning Flophouse actor, it turns out.

[22:03] And this movie-

[22:03] Like many of the actors in this movie.

[22:05] This movie is full of returning Flophouse faves.

[22:08] Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany, who's been in three or four Flophouse movies at this point.

[22:12] Four.

[22:13] Four.

[22:13] Gwyneth Paltrow and, of course, Michael Byrne as the Duke and-

[22:17] Jim Goldblum.

[22:18] And guess what Flophouse movie he was in?

[22:20] You'll never guess because I forgot we did it and I forgot the movie existed.

[22:23] Blood, The Last Vampire.

[22:25] Now, was Jeff Goldblum in a previous Flophouse movie?

[22:27] Dan?

[22:28] Not that I know of.

[22:30] Okay, first timer.

[22:31] Check the archives.

[22:32] Him and Ewan McGregor, first timers.

[22:34] Yeah, a couple first timers.

[22:35] We'll be gentle with them.

[22:36] Mm-hmm.

[22:37] And Olivia Munn, who's also a Flophouse first timer.

[22:39] Okay.

[22:41] So, the-

[22:43] Vogel was his name.

[22:45] Vogel.

[22:45] Vogel like a bird.

[22:47] And he was very Vogel when he fell off that cliff going, ah!

[22:51] Anyway, so the painting apparently has written on the back of it a bank account in which a Nazi bigwig, I forgot, it was Goering, I think,

[23:00] uh, stole-

[23:01] I thought it was Goebbels.

[23:02] It was Goebbels?

[23:03] I don't remember.

[23:03] It's one of the big name Nazis.

[23:05] One of your name brand Nazis.

[23:07] One of your A-list Nazis.

[23:07] Not one of your brand ex-Vogel Nazis.

[23:10] One of your name brand marquee Nazis.

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:12] Like, a Nazi that could open a picture.

[23:14] Top Nazi.

[23:14] Yeah.

[23:15] Top Nazi.

[23:16] I remember when I was a college student, I was so poor, all I could afford was Top Nazi to eat.

[23:21] I mean, it's so cheap.

[23:22] You just add water and you heat it up a little bit.

[23:24] Yeah.

[23:25] Tasted terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[23:26] You use water, I just poured the flavor packet inside, smashed it up, and ate it like that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:33] Nazi bits.

[23:34] Again, one of the worst cereals of all time.

[23:37] You got little swastikas, little skulls, little mustaches.

[23:42] No marshmallows at all.

[23:44] No, because it was the city for work, not play.

[23:48] It was called, it said, Breakfast and Mocked Fry.

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:52] Anyway, let's stop with the Nazi jokes, shall we?

[23:54] Mordecai is kidnapped by a bunch of Russians who want to find out where the painting is.

[23:58] Jock saves him.

[23:59] We have that great open your balls joke.

[24:01] Mordecai almost gets his testicles electrocuted, and the Russian thugs tell him to open his balls.

[24:07] Open your balls, Quaid.

[24:08] And he doesn't know what it means.

[24:09] And there was a line that I thought was funny, where they're escaping, and Mordecai says to Jock,

[24:14] open your balls, what does that mean?

[24:15] It's like, I don't know, sir.

[24:17] Really, what?

[24:17] I have no idea.

[24:18] What do you mean?

[24:18] I don't know, sir.

[24:19] He goes, do you really know, and you just don't want to tell me?

[24:21] Yes, sir.

[24:23] And here's my secret that I'm going to reveal.

[24:26] I think I kind of like this movie.

[24:28] It was so dumb and not very funny, but when it was funny, it was funny in a way that I

[24:34] was like, okay, I found that genuinely funny.

[24:36] And I was not as bored as I was watching Fifty Shades of Grey, for instance.

[24:41] Yeah.

[24:41] Because at least it's a colorful-looking movie.

[24:43] It usually moves fast.

[24:45] And it earns its hard R rating.

[24:47] Well, I mean, they say the F word a couple times.

[24:49] That's about it.

[24:50] Oh, wow.

[24:52] Oh, wow.

[24:53] You didn't even know.

[24:54] Wowzers.

[24:54] It's a soft R.

[24:56] Like, the R is made out of butter left out on a counter for hours to keep it soft.

[24:59] Like the French girls do?

[25:01] You know.

[25:03] So, Ewan McGregor's character wants to win over Gwyneth Paltrow's character.

[25:08] He's always been in love with her.

[25:10] And in college, Mordecai stole her from him.

[25:12] Yeah, there's that great flashback with Spin Doctor Song.

Dan McCoy

[25:14] That was a good joke, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] To place it in the 90s, two princes just laying in the background.

[25:19] Which, in this movie, feels like an anachronism.

Dan McCoy

[25:22] Because this movie exists out of time.

[25:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:25] Well, it exists nowadays, but everyone kind of acts like it's the 60s.

[25:28] Yeah.

[25:29] And this isn't one of those Austin Powers-type movies.

[25:32] They want Frozen.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] Like a gold member is going to show up, right?

[25:34] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] Gold Bloom shows up, though.

[25:36] One of those gold members.

[25:37] Speaking of which, they go to Los Angeles, sent by MI5, where they stay in a trendy hotel

[25:42] where everyone has mustaches.

[25:44] In a scene that almost is a joke, but isn't a joke.

[25:48] They meet Jeff Goldblum, whose Rolls-Royce car has the painting inside it.

[25:54] And also Jeff Goldblum's, is it his wife or his daughter?

[25:57] His daughter.

[25:57] His daughter played by Olivia Munn, who is a sex fiend.

[26:00] You know she's a sex fiend because she's named Georgina.

Stuart Wellington

[26:03] If you're named Georgina in a movie, you're a sex fiend.

Elliott Kalan

[26:05] Really?

[26:06] What other movie Georgina's are there?

[26:07] I think Head of the Family is the only other one I could think of.

[26:10] The limited.

[26:11] Because it's a very unsexy name.

[26:13] I'll give you that.

[26:13] It's not like-

[26:14] Your sample size is very small.

[26:16] Like Veronica is a pretty sexy name.

[26:16] I haven't seen that many movies, dude.

[26:18] Yeah.

[26:18] Or like, what's another sexy name?

[26:20] Sapphire.

[26:21] Sapphire.

[26:22] Yeah.

[26:23] Super classy.

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] Yep.

[26:25] Is she a jewel thief or is she a sex bot?

Elliott Kalan

[26:27] Or is she the jewel?

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:29] Yeah, there's no reason she has to choose.

[26:31] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[26:32] Georgina doesn't seem like a sex bot to me.

[26:34] Georgina seems like an awkward attempt to turn a man's name into a woman's name.

[26:37] Well, that's what it was.

[26:38] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] Felicia is a sexy name for like a cat burglar.

Stuart Wellington

[26:42] It's the name George Lucas uses on internet forums.

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] When it says, age, sex, location.

[26:49] I'm Georgina, age, 22, sex, female, location, Skywalker Ranch.

[26:58] When he's undercover.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] Everyone's like, are you George Lucas?

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] No, no, I'm Georgina Lucicia.

[27:04] I'm a 22-year-old hottie.

[27:05] Oh, it's my mistake.

[27:06] My nethers are very wet for you right now.

[27:12] I'm just wearing a plaid shirt.

[27:14] And nothing else.

[27:15] And nothing else.

[27:16] Except I could use computers to add more clothes later, if that's what you're into.

[27:20] Do you like hot rods?

[27:22] Do you enjoy collecting Norman Rockwell paintings?

[27:25] That's a deep cut for George Lucas.

[27:27] Anyway, there's a whole lot of shenanigans.

[27:30] There's a big party at Jeff Goldblum's house.

[27:33] And during it, Jock and...

[27:35] As always.

Dan McCoy

[27:36] Jock.

[27:37] That guy.

[27:38] Famous party animal.

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] Jeff party animal Goldblum.

[27:41] I was trying to think of something that rhymed with Jeff, and I couldn't think of anything.

[27:43] Jeffrey G. Bloom.

[27:45] Jeff Hef Goldblum.

[27:46] They call him that because he is like a Hugh Hefner times two.

[27:49] I'm shaking my head.

[27:51] Stuart did not like that.

[27:52] Thanks for narrating that.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] Because they cannot see it at home.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] While you're catching on.

[27:57] Wow, you realize that finally?

[27:59] How come you didn't know the beginning of the episode?

[28:01] Mr. Shrugs.

[28:02] It's a learning curve.

[28:05] Shrugs McKenzie over here?

[28:06] Nancy and Shruggo over here.

[28:10] Shrugs Bunny.

Dan McCoy

[28:13] Hey, I got one.

[28:14] Shrugs Meany.

[28:14] How about that?

[28:15] Yeah, that's all right.

[28:16] I'm not that into it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] So, Jock and Mordecai are going to steal the painting during the party.

[28:24] Uh-oh.

[28:24] Gwyneth Paltrow shows up.

[28:25] She had a big argument with Mordecai earlier about his mustache.

[28:29] Shows up while he's being seduced through dance by Georgina.

[28:33] It's not what it looks like.

[28:35] He goes with, and he gets out of that situation pretty easily.

[28:38] He and Jock go to steal the painting, but it's already been stolen, and Jeff Goldblum has been killed.

[28:42] After two scenes.

[28:43] He has about two and a half scenes of the movie, one of which he is dead in.

[28:46] It is a waste.

[28:47] Put him on the poster.

[28:49] I gotta say, and when compared to Jeff Goldblum death scenes, not as good as Grand Budapest Hotel or The Fly.

[28:54] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[28:55] What about when he dies in Earth Girls Are Easy?

[28:58] I don't think he does die in Earth Girls Are Easy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:00] I thought he got totally murdered by alien hunters.

[29:02] I think you were thinking of Jurassic Park, the book, in which he dies, not the movie, in which he doesn't.

[29:08] I didn't know Jeff Goldblum was in the book.

[29:10] Yeah, yeah.

[29:10] He plays himself in the book.

[29:12] The thing is, the people they invite to the opening are Sam Neill, the paleontologist, Alan Grant.

[29:18] Also, the mathematician Ian, whatever his name is.

[29:21] Yep.

[29:22] McDermott, let's say.

[29:23] And Ian Malcolm.

[29:24] Ian McDermott.

[29:25] And Jeff Goldblum, who is following Ian Malcolm around, because he's going to play him in a movie called Jurassic Park, about the successful opening of the Jurassic Park.

[29:33] The movie is going to be called Jurassic World.

[29:37] How many raptors are in it, Elliot?

[29:39] Like 40 billion, and they all look super fake.

Dan McCoy

[29:41] Jurassic Girls Are Easy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:43] And it's about a guy who's having sex with a dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[29:46] Because they're so easy.

[29:48] Yeah.

[29:48] I mean, they're not actually that easy.

[29:49] Yeah, they're animals.

Elliott Kalan

[29:50] You have to drug them up.

Dan McCoy

[29:52] You have to be very careful, or you're going to be ripped apart because they're trying to have sex with them.

[29:55] Because they're clever girls.

[29:57] Yeah.

[29:57] There you go.

[29:58] Yeah.

[29:58] You got it.

[29:59] Okay.

[30:00] Let's go on.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] So they try to find the painting.

[30:04] They find it.

[30:05] It turns out Georgina's in cahoots with the terrorist.

[30:08] They track him down to a hotel, and Ewan McGregor burns the painting rather than letting it and its financial secrets fall into the hands of a bad guy, a terrorist who's going to use it to fund his terrorism.

[30:18] But then it turns out that painting was a fake.

[30:20] It turns out the Nazi from Last Crusade had the real one in his bathroom the whole time.

[30:28] The Mordecais steal it, and they are going to get it by putting it up for auction to get money to pay off their debts.

[30:36] I'm not paying attention.

[30:37] And they're going to hide it as a painting they have, but then actually sell the painting they have when they think they're selling the famous painting to the bad guys.

[30:46] Let's just say this.

[30:47] There's a lot of nonsense at an auction house.

[30:49] Does it make us forget the auction scene in North by Northwest?

[30:52] Certainly not.

[30:53] But it might be right up there with the auction scene in Vincent and Theo, which is very boring because it's just footage of an actual auction.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] This movie desperately wants to be a screwball comedy, and it has the switchbacks of a screwball comedy, but it does not make us care about any of it.

[31:11] So it just turns into convoluted.

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] You don't even necessarily have to care or be able to keep track.

[31:17] I'll say that there are a lot of funny screwball comedies or farces where if you were asked what happened two scenes ago to make this happen, you'd be like, what?

[31:25] But while you're following it, it makes some sort of logic.

[31:28] Why are you asking me this in the middle of a movie?

[31:29] I'm trying to finish watching Noises Off.

[31:31] Could you please stop bothering me?

Dan McCoy

[31:33] It doesn't have the crackerjack plotting that a real screwball has.

[31:38] Yeah, there are no crackerjacks.

[31:39] It's just complicated.

Stuart Wellington

[31:40] It's certainly not screwballs.

[31:42] No.

Dan McCoy

[31:43] The famous screwball comedy, Screwballs.

[31:45] It is not screwballs.

[31:46] It does not end with a freeze of a topless lady.

[31:50] It's not a freeze.

[31:51] You get to see it blowing in the wind.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] Let's see it blowing in the wind.

[31:55] It being what?

[31:57] The woman?

Stuart Wellington

[31:57] A woman's bosoms.

Elliott Kalan

[32:01] Not here depersonalized to an it.

[32:03] Famed feminist, Stuart Wellington.

[32:06] He used the word bosoms.

Dan McCoy

[32:09] It's pretty much just glorious.

Elliott Kalan

[32:11] He didn't call them like chest biscuits or something.

[32:14] Stuart Wellington.

[32:16] Now, so in the end, Mordecai wins and his wife wins.

[32:20] Hooray.

[32:21] They get enough money to pay off their back taxes.

[32:24] Everything's okay.

[32:25] Mordecai's going to shave off his mustache, win back his wife, and she says, you know what?

[32:29] Keep it.

[32:30] The fact that you were willing to shave it off for me is enough, and they have a bath together.

[32:34] She tries to kiss him, and she gags, and then Mordecai gags.

[32:37] The end.

[32:38] And then the audience gags with laughter.

[32:40] Well, in some way.

[32:41] Credits roll.

[32:41] So I'm going to say this.

[32:42] Not a good movie.

[32:43] Not that enjoyable, but I kind of liked it.

Dan McCoy

[32:46] Yeah, wait.

[32:46] Are we into Final Judgments already?

[32:48] You're the boss.

[32:49] What else did you want to say about it?

[32:50] I feel like you kind of are.

[32:51] Let's just go to it.

[32:52] No, but what were you going to say?

[32:53] What were you going to say?

[32:53] I mean, anything I was going to say, we could say in Final Judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] I'm just happy they didn't play that Smash Mouth song at any point.

[33:00] Oh, I will say the music was too loud and crazy.

Dan McCoy

[33:03] Yeah, they were Mickey Mouse and that shit all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] Yeah, they were Mickey Mousing it up.

[33:08] So let's do Final Judgments.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] Cosplash.

[33:14] Was this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[33:16] Elliot kind of liked it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:17] I'm on record.

[33:18] Kind of like, I'm ashamed to say it.

[33:20] Kind of liking more guy.

[33:20] But I have to be.

[33:21] Just throw that shit on the poster.

[33:22] Look, as Robert Warshaw said in The Immediate Experience, I must admit that I am a man watching

[33:26] a film having a non-conscious reaction to the film.

[33:30] Kind of liked it.

[33:31] Here's what I'll say about the movie.

[33:32] Put it on the poster.

[33:33] Kind of liked it.

[33:34] Elliot Kalem with Laugh House.

Dan McCoy

[33:35] Here's what I'll say about the movie.

[33:36] The movie bored me for huge long stretches of it.

[33:40] People can attest.

[33:42] Yeah, the two people.

[33:43] People can attest.

[33:43] The two people in the room.

Elliott Kalan

[33:45] Who can name them all?

Dan McCoy

[33:46] Who has the time?

[33:47] Elliot and Stewart can attest that I spent a fair amount of the movie staring at my phone

[33:52] because I got uninterested in the machinations of the plot.

[33:56] There were too many double crosses and switch-em-ups and switch-a-roonies.

[34:01] Googling like kick the punch as a beat or something.

[34:03] Mickey Roonies.

[34:04] I didn't like the mechanics of the plot bored me, but I kind of enjoyed that there were

[34:10] a bunch of good actors giving their all to some really shitty material.

[34:13] That's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] Nobody in the...

[34:14] It's not great material, but nobody in the movie is sleeping through it and nobody's half-assing

[34:19] it.

[34:19] They are...

[34:20] Yeah, they're really going through it.

Dan McCoy

[34:20] I feel like all the actors and the director are giving it their all and the script is terrible.

[34:25] There are a few funny lines in the script.

[34:27] Yeah, mostly it's not very good.

[34:28] But that's an interesting experience.

[34:29] And if you have any fondness for terrible comedies of the 60s, which I don't really, but I kind

[34:37] of do because they baffle me so much.

[34:40] Look, I stare at them and my brain tries to wrap themselves up.

[34:43] My brain rejects them.

[34:44] While we were watching it, your brain is like, get it.

[34:46] Oh, I can't.

[34:47] No.

[34:47] This is in the form of comedy, but nothing is funny.

[34:50] I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] While we were watching it, we were talking about the scene in the original Casino Royale

[34:55] where he has to match strengths with the Scottish Klansman.

[34:58] And it's totally boring and long and not funny, but it goes on forever.

[35:02] Or there's the little car race at the end of What's New Pussycat?

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:08] And where it's like, this is not funny.

[35:10] And it's going on forever.

[35:11] Forever.

[35:11] And the movie seems to be wanting to tell me that this is funny.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] Even funny comedies from the 60s, even like good Pink Panther movies, have long stretches

[35:20] that are just like interminable.

[35:22] Like, what is going on?

[35:23] Why is this on?

[35:24] Why am I being forced to watch this just for like the 15 minutes of this movie where Peter

[35:29] Sellers is going to be hilarious?

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] I mean, I like more of those movies than I think you do.

Dan McCoy

[35:34] No, I do.

[35:35] No, I look.

[35:36] I'm just saying that like Shot in the Dark is the only one that's really solid.

[35:40] And then like the other ones are really up and down.

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] I like Return of the Pink Panther a lot, too.

[35:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:44] But anyway, what I'm going to say is from scene to scene, it alternated between bad, bad movie

[35:50] and movie I kind of liked.

[35:51] It would keep going back and forth.

[35:53] So that's what my feeling is.

[35:54] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] Yeah, I guess I'm with you more with you, Dan, than Elliot.

[35:59] There was a couple of jokes I liked, but in general, it was not tight enough for me

[36:05] to give it a movie I kind of like.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] Now look, am I ever going to watch this movie again?

[36:08] No.

[36:09] You're not going to go buy it?

[36:10] No, I'm not going to run out.

[36:11] I'm not going to run.

[36:12] With a Blu-ray.

[36:12] I'm not going to run.

[36:13] Don't walk.

Stuart Wellington

[36:14] We did watch the R-rated version and not the PG-13 rated cut that you can also.

Elliott Kalan

[36:19] Yeah, we reached all those Mordecai heads out there who are too young to watch Mordecai.

[36:23] I think a 13-year-old might enjoy a de-sext version of this more than an adult.

Stuart Wellington

[36:30] Yeah, I mean, there's like what?

[36:31] Like, who is Harry Crumb?

[36:33] Because this was too erotic.

[36:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] In its current form.

[36:36] Who is Harry Crumb?

[36:37] Who is Harry Crumb?

[36:38] It's a regular delirious.

Dan McCoy

[36:40] It's a regular second sight.

[36:41] Two movies I like better than Mordecai.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Second sight, yeah.

[36:45] It's a regular Dr. Detroit.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] That movie is weird.

[36:50] That movie baffles me.

[36:52] How did that movie get made?

[36:55] Dan Aykroyd plays like a robot pimp in Chicago.

[36:59] He's like a fake pimp.

[37:00] Yeah.

[37:01] A pimp superhero?

[37:02] I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[37:03] Look, you can't in a world.

[37:05] Howard Hessman is in it.

[37:06] In a universe where nothing but trouble exists, I can't ask why any other movie was ever made.

[37:12] In a world, in a universe, in a multiverse where someone saw the script for nothing but trouble

[37:17] and was like, yeah, I would pay to have this made.

[37:20] What kind of idiot god would allow this?

[37:24] Azathoth dancing to the mad sounds of blind pipers.

[37:30] What tribulation did he seek to visit upon humanity?

[37:36] That he greenlit nothing but trouble.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] So we all agree, Mordecai was fantastic.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] Oh, yeah.

[37:42] Yeah, A+++.

Stuart Wellington

[37:44] Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician.

[37:46] Merle High Church here, the master of clerical magic.

S4

[37:50] I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter.

[37:53] Did you guys like that?

[37:54] Did you, the listener, like that?

[37:57] You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything

[38:01] is possible.

[38:02] Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, dungeon master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun,

Stuart Wellington

[38:07] in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

S4

[38:12] You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes.

[38:16] It's Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.

Dan McCoy

[38:20] Moving on to letters from listeners.

[38:23] Yeah, why not?

[38:23] That's the traditional next segment in the show.

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] Yeah, yeah.

[38:28] As legend tells.

[38:29] Passed down generation for generation.

[38:31] Of letters.

[38:33] And the first letter.

[38:34] There is a prophecy.

[38:36] Oh, I like this.

[38:37] A prophecy of missives from the outside, what the elders call the Wasted Land.

[38:43] Too poisonous from after the nuke war for regular travelers to voyage across.

[38:49] And yet, strange communications from intelligences unknown are received by the last surviving members

[38:57] of humanity known as the House of the Flopping Inn.

[39:01] The House of the Flopping Inn, where the three now elderly survivors and caretakers of the memory of humanity

[39:09] sit in ancient silence.

[39:13] Too frightened to speak for fear of being interrupted by one of the other two.

[39:17] This isn't even a song.

[39:19] And lo, the prophecy foretells that a message shall be received, a youth shall be discovered,

[39:26] and a new world aborn.

[39:28] In the aftertimes, after the cataclysm of the nuke war, there came a people, the flop people,

[39:37] a mighty tribe, a massive tribe, a wise tribe.

[39:44] The flop people spreading the gospel of flop across the wasteland to mutants and ghosts and

[39:50] zombies and skeletons and aliens and robots and gator men and ant people and bear dogs.

[39:57] The compass?

Stuart Wellington

[39:58] All right.

[39:59] All right.

[39:59] Just a few more letters.

Dan McCoy

[40:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:05] I've been writing on sheets of white.

[40:09] Just trying to get it right.

[40:11] That's a weird frog rock introduction to...

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] That actual rose.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] That's actual rose.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Actual rose.

[40:19] Not a simulation.

[40:21] It's like something like your grandma is like, Stuart, I got you that actual rose album you

[40:26] wanted.

[40:27] And it's just a photo album of pictures of roses.

[40:30] Grandma, it's supposed to be axle rose with guns and roses.

[40:34] Oh, a gun at your age?

[40:35] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[40:38] So, this first letter, this is clearly in response to something that we said in a previous episode.

[40:45] Who can remember?

[40:46] That I can't remember.

[40:47] Every episode.

[40:48] Lost through the sands of time.

Elliott Kalan

[40:50] The minute Dan says, recording over, I click, drag my memories to the recycle bin and delete.

Dan McCoy

[40:55] Yes, I don't know what specifically this was in reference to, but it was interesting enough

[40:59] on its own that I was going to read it.

[41:02] It goes like this.

[41:03] Gents, although Godzilla has never fought either Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster.

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] Well, well, well.

[41:10] Let's just say right here.

[41:12] In Frankenstein Conquers the World, Frankenstein's monster fights Baragon.

[41:15] Well, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[41:16] We're getting there.

[41:16] Okay.

[41:17] He got closer than you expect.

Elliott Kalan

[41:18] Okay, there you go.

[41:19] Thanks, letter writer.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] During 1960, Miriam C. Cooper actually tried to sell Toho in a movie where King Kong would

[41:24] fight a Frankenstein-style monster.

[41:26] This somehow metamorphosized into King Kong fighting Godzilla in Godzilla vs. King Kong,

[41:32] which in Japan was actually mostly a weird working class comedy with monsters in it.

[41:36] I like that idea.

[41:38] Then Toho made Frankenstein Conquers the World, where Nazi scientists attempt to take the heart

[41:42] of Frankenstein's monster to Japan.

[41:44] Unfortunately for Japan, they take the heart to Hiroshima, where it is irradiated when the

[41:49] allies bomb the city.

[41:50] This obviously results in the heart regenerating into a giant dude, who then fights a monster

[41:55] called Baragon.

[41:55] Okay, thank you.

[41:57] Baragon would go on to fight alongside Godzilla against King Ghidorah and destroy all monsters.

[42:02] Yeah, yeah.

[42:03] Also, Frankenstein's monster sort of ended up splitting into two giant hairy twins who fought

[42:07] one another.

[42:08] And were the gargantuas.

[42:09] Although, that is not terribly relevant here.

[42:12] So by the transitive property, Godzilla has not only fought Frankenstein's monster, he's done

[42:16] it twice.

[42:17] Also, Toho has made some absurd movies.

[42:19] Yours in flop, Lawrence's last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] I've seen all those movies, and I love them all.

[42:24] When I was a kid, I watched the Godzilla movies almost in order over and over again.

[42:29] Yeah?

[42:30] Yeah, I loved them.

[42:31] I'd even sit through the boring talkie scenes, because I knew guys in monster suits were going

[42:35] to be punching each other on tiny city sets.

Stuart Wellington

[42:37] I'd always get up during the talkie scenes and leave.

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] I mean, that's a good way to do it, too.

Stuart Wellington

[42:42] Or like build a fort out of Legos.

[42:44] A fort for my Lego, man, not for me.

[42:46] That'd be crazy.

[42:47] Those twins were on.

Dan McCoy

[42:49] The Mothra twins?

[42:50] Just hanging out, saying things.

[42:52] That falls under the boring category.

[42:54] Singing a beautiful song that went,

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Masoraya, Masoraya, Anangataguya, Hindaru.

[43:04] I don't know the actual words.

[43:05] It's just my transliteration.

Stuart Wellington

[43:06] That's a lullaby you use for your baby, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:11] I totally should.

[43:13] I didn't even think about that.

[43:14] Well, that's the song they sing to get Mothra, to calm him down and everything.

[43:17] Yeah, yeah.

[43:17] So here's what I'm going to say about that.

[43:19] Also, I just finished watching the other day the new version of Godzilla.

[43:24] Which I missed when it was in the theaters.

[43:26] Didn't care for it.

[43:27] You said nude version of Godzilla?

[43:28] Well, all versions of Godzilla are nude.

[43:30] He never wears clothes.

[43:31] I didn't like that new Godzilla movie, and I was really looking forward to it.

[43:34] I liked it okay.

[43:35] I found the human plotline uninteresting.

[43:38] Yeah, that's fair.

[43:39] And I found the new monster uninspiring.

[43:42] Hmm.

[43:43] All right.

[43:43] Okay, hot takes from Elliot Kalin.

[43:44] Also, is it just me, or did Godzilla get kind of fat?

[43:47] That was a chunky Godzilla.

[43:48] They got chubs over here.

Stuart Wellington

[43:49] The internet went crazy about that.

[43:51] They were making fun of how fat he was.

[43:52] He was kind of fat.

[43:53] I kind of like that, though.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] No, I like, yeah, it made him more vulnerable.

[43:56] He was fat like my cat.

[43:57] Well, that was the thing.

[43:58] Adorably fat.

[43:59] Adorably fat, exactly.

[44:00] It was braver of Godzilla to be nude in those scenes because he's so out of shape.

[44:05] As opposed to him.

[44:06] There was an about Schmidt, Kathy Bates, honesty about the scenes.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:09] Okay.

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:11] I get you.

[44:12] This next letter.

[44:14] So why did that person write in?

Dan McCoy

[44:16] I'm saying I must have been in reference to something that we said in the previous episode.

[44:20] But I don't remember.

[44:22] And I don't care to remember.

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] Now I want to see a series of shorts you do called I Don't Remember.

[44:29] Where you're sitting in the chair and he goes, ah, yes.

[44:31] January 6, 2007.

[44:33] I don't remember.

[44:35] That's the whole thing.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] It's like an NPR series.

[44:38] You know, Dan McCoyan, I don't remember.

[44:40] It's like the opposite of StoryCorps.

[44:43] I don't know what happened on April 5, 1992, and I don't care.

Stuart Wellington

[44:50] Something could have happened.

[44:52] I prefer the Crypt Keepers NPR show, GoryCorps.

[44:56] Also ToriGore.

[44:57] Or StoryGore.

[44:58] Yeah, exactly.

[44:59] Not ToriGore.

[45:01] That's too political for me.

[45:05] ToriGore is also, I guess, the Tales from the Crypt nickname for TerryGore.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] That would be TerrorGore.

[45:14] When the Crypt Keeper at his local news channel is what reviewing Young Frankenstein.

Dan McCoy

[45:19] Or Manos' TorgoGore.

[45:23] This one goes like this.

[45:24] Hello, peaches.

[45:26] Dan and Elliot can take a breather on this one.

[45:29] Because this email is directed toward Stuart.

[45:32] Is this from my mom?

[45:34] Stuart, at your wedding, did your wife write her own vows and include a parody of Casey

[45:39] in JoJo's All My Life, featuring the lyric, All My Life, I've prayed for someone like

[45:45] Stu.

[45:46] Do you think that if you had been marrying Weird Al Yankovic, that he would have done that?

[45:51] Probably.

Stuart Wellington

[45:51] Do you wish you had married Weird Al Yankovic?

Dan McCoy

[45:54] I'll hang up and listen.

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] Chris, last name we've held.

[45:57] Well, the advantage of being married to Weird Al Yankovic would be, of course, financial security.

[46:03] He's very successful.

[46:05] And the security of knowing that he has a fortune of parody jokes.

Dan McCoy

[46:11] And you can run your hands through those long wrinkles.

Stuart Wellington

[46:14] Run my hair through his hair.

[46:15] I wish that we could tie it together.

[46:19] And then just whip each other around the room.

[46:21] Exactly.

[46:21] Like some kind of martial arts duo in a Shaw Brothers film.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] I wish it had said, do you wish you married Weird Al Yankovic?

[46:29] Signed, Weird Al, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] I can say, as someone who's known Stuart for years, that he has sung plenty of songs that

[46:38] have the word you in them and replace Stu in the lyrics.

[46:42] Die without Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[46:44] Yeah.

[46:44] There's probably others.

[46:46] I've been waiting for a girl like Stu.

[46:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] Stu.

[46:51] Stu got what I need.

[46:53] Like that one.

[46:53] Yeah.

[46:54] We can go on for a while.

[46:56] Elliot.

[46:56] There's a lot of Elliot.

[46:57] Stu make me feel.

[46:58] No, Elliot fits into almost no songs.

[47:00] Whereas Dan fits into a lot.

[47:02] It's a rainin' Dan.

[47:04] Hallelujah.

[47:05] It's rainin' Dan.

Dan McCoy

[47:06] However, there's very few songs that actually have my name in it.

[47:10] The only one I can think of is...

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] Daniel is leaving tonight on the plane.

[47:14] I don't think I know that song.

[47:15] Who's that by?

Dan McCoy

[47:15] Elton John.

[47:16] Oh.

[47:17] Danny Boy.

[47:19] Oh, yeah.

[47:19] That's a classic.

Elliott Kalan

[47:20] I'm a soul Dan.

[47:22] Okay.

[47:22] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Dan McCoy

[47:24] So, um...

[47:26] What's the answer to that?

[47:27] Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[47:28] The answer is yes, maybe, probably.

[47:32] Thanks, Stu.

Dan McCoy

[47:35] So, um...

[47:37] Last letter of the evening.

[47:39] Last letter.

[47:40] Final letter.

[47:41] Last letter.

[47:42] Is titled,

[47:43] Think of the Ratings.

Elliott Kalan

[47:45] Okay.

[47:46] Podcast ratings?

Dan McCoy

[47:47] Peaches, babies.

[47:49] I've been following your work for some time,

[47:50] and I've got to tell you,

[47:51] I like what I hear.

[47:53] But we all know that after 170-some episodes,

[47:56] the shtick has become a little played out.

[47:58] You're telling us.

[47:59] That's right.

[48:00] The bits, Stuart.

[48:02] Sure.

[48:03] You've attempted...

[48:04] This guy's coming on real strong.

Stuart Wellington

[48:06] Whoa.

[48:07] Full court press is what David Kalin would call it.

Dan McCoy

[48:11] Sure.

[48:12] You've attempted to mix it up with tried and tested tropes.

[48:15] The time Stuart tried to get out of jury duty, for example,

[48:18] by ripping his own ding-dong off.

[48:20] Didn't work.

[48:21] Didn't work.

[48:21] My hand got ripped off instead.

[48:24] Or when Dan mournfully sighed the precise frequently

[48:26] to shatter the encasing of the world-famous seven-pound jewel,

[48:30] aiding and abetting a known supervillain.

[48:32] And let's not forget the short-lived spin-off series,

[48:34] Flophouse Babies,

[48:36] in which Elliot rigs the school spelling bee

[48:38] to include his personal vocabulary of words

[48:40] that sound like other words.

[48:42] Mr. Kalin used the word goatables in the sentence.

[48:46] Enter the house cat.

[48:48] Wait a minute.

[48:49] Babies go to school?

[48:50] That's what I was wondering.

Elliott Kalan

[48:51] Babies are not good at spelling bees.

[48:53] It's pre-K.

[48:54] Enter the house cat.

[48:55] Again, this is, can't spell.

Dan McCoy

[48:57] While fast becoming the most popular character,

[49:01] the Flophouse house cat brought little more to the meow mix

[49:04] than the internet's most annoying catchphrase,

[49:06] rah-rah,

[49:07] inspiring a new generation of Bart Simpson knockoff t-shirts.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] The most irritating internet catchphrase has got to be,

[49:14] we could be like this, but you, what is it?

[49:17] You tripping.

[49:17] You tripping, yeah.

[49:18] I couldn't even remember if it was so irritating.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] You've made some bold choices over the years

[49:22] as the world has watched on anxiously,

[49:24] praying for that rekindling spark.

[49:26] But there's one thing your stories have missed.

[49:28] A love interest.

[49:29] Gentlemen, that's where I come in.

[49:32] What I'm proposing is just that.

[49:34] A Flophouse proposal.

[49:36] The primetime special lifetime event

[49:38] extravaganza episode we've been rating for.

[49:40] In fact, as a show of good faith

[49:42] and our perspective arrangement,

[49:44] I'd like to make an offering of personal humility.

[49:47] Allow me to address the woman

[49:48] who has long studied your work by my side.

[49:50] An honorary flopster

[49:51] who has chimed in with every episode's conversation,

[49:55] regardless of whether you've addressed her.

[49:57] She's your greatest champion

[49:58] and my associate in love

[50:00] and our history together

[50:01] is as storied as this program.

[50:03] Tracy,

[50:04] the love and happiness we've shared so far

[50:06] is something I thought only existed in bad movies.

[50:09] Yet six years in,

[50:10] I'm amazed you will still suffer me so gracefully.

[50:14] We've shared an adventure and misadventure

[50:16] and some of my favorite moments

[50:17] of the mundanity in between.

[50:20] But I've yearned for a life

[50:21] greater than these Flophouse reruns.

[50:24] Every day I get to wake up with you

[50:25] feels like the start of something new

[50:26] with limitless possibilities ahead.

[50:29] It's time to focus 100% of our brains

[50:31] on the future.

[50:32] It's time to begin a new venture.

[50:36] So I ask you this, Tracy.

[50:38] Not as the resident Dan McCoy,

[50:40] but as humble letter writer Cohen.

[50:42] Tracy, last name withheld,

[50:44] will you marry me?

[50:46] Please?

[50:47] Well, that's all I have for now.

[50:48] Regardless of your decision, baby,

[50:50] I think our work here is done.

[50:52] I got a feeling these peaches will be just fine.

[50:55] Let's focus our attention now

[50:56] on the next potential spinoff,

[50:58] The Last Name Withheld.

[50:59] I have some thoughts you might like to hear

[51:01] that depend on the star power

[51:03] of one Flophouse house cat.

[51:05] See you at home, baby.

[51:06] Don't delay.

[51:07] Keep on flopping.

[51:08] Cohen, last name withheld.

[51:10] So if there's a Tracy out there

[51:11] who's dating a Cohen,

[51:13] last name withheld,

[51:14] then I hope there's not more than one.

[51:16] Because otherwise,

[51:17] we fucked you.

Elliott Kalan

[51:20] Whoa, whoa.

[51:20] Did you just, wait.

[51:21] Are you telling the guy,

[51:22] you just helped him with the proposal

[51:24] and then you're just telling him that you...

[51:25] No, I'm saying the other person.

Dan McCoy

[51:26] The other one who did not.

[51:27] I do like the idea of...

[51:28] The guy wasn't ready for a commitment like that.

[51:31] I see, yeah, there you go.

Stuart Wellington

[51:31] He did bring up the idea of mundanity,

[51:33] which I think is a good sitcom starring

[51:36] Dan McCoy and Olivia Munn.

[51:37] Shut the fuck up.

[51:39] Wait, I'm saying you were starring in a sitcom, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[51:41] I think you'd be great.

[51:43] With Olivia Munn.

[51:43] Can we not bicker among ourselves for one moment

[51:48] and let the romance settle that's just happened,

[51:51] that our fan Cohen has just chosen

[51:54] possibly the weakest vessel or instrument,

[51:57] Dan,

[51:58] to propose to his girlfriend Tracy.

[52:01] Dan, this is the first fan-to-fan

[52:04] via the podcast proposal.

[52:05] This is the very first proposal, yeah.

[52:07] Very exciting.

[52:08] And that means that if they get married and have a baby,

[52:10] they have to name that baby either Flophouse,

[52:13] Housecat,

[52:13] or Studaniot.

Stuart Wellington

[52:15] So,

[52:16] if you want Tracy to say yes,

[52:19] write in A to Radio Zork.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] If you want her to say no,

[52:24] write in B,

[52:24] and also,

[52:25] you're heartless.

[52:27] And if you want her to say,

[52:28] give me a moment,

[52:30] with kind of like a twinkle in her eye,

[52:32] and then say yes,

[52:33] write in C.

Stuart Wellington

[52:34] And if you'd like to push the door open slightly,

[52:37] slightly more,

[52:39] okay,

[52:39] stop,

[52:40] write in D.

[52:42] We'll get this door open someday.

Dan McCoy

[52:44] This door needs some oil.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] Well,

[52:47] perhaps next week,

[52:48] we can give an option that people can try oil on it.

[52:50] So,

[52:51] Tracy,

[52:52] I think Cohen has shown his

[52:54] total lack of judgment

[52:56] in using Dan as his instrument,

[52:58] but I think you should overlook that.

[53:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:01] Look,

[53:01] I mean,

[53:01] I'm sure he's romantic in plenty of other ways.

[53:05] So,

[53:05] I think you should give this guy a rough shot.

[53:06] You said that so gross.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] I don't know why we threw him under the bus so quickly.

[53:10] Because he chose to propose via us.

[53:13] He chose to propose.

[53:14] And we are touched,

[53:15] and we are honored by that.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] We are totally touched.

[53:18] Via these bros.

[53:19] We're hiding how much we're touched by,

[53:21] you know,

[53:21] all these jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] Classic flop bro behavior.

[53:24] Yeah.

[53:25] We're deflecting.

[53:26] You know what?

[53:26] We can't let the real emotions sink in.

[53:27] Let's have a moment of real sincerity.

[53:30] Let's get real.

[53:31] You know what?

[53:32] Everybody turn your baseball caps backwards.

[53:34] Let's turn your chairs around.

[53:35] Let's rap about this.

[53:37] You two.

[53:38] It's a great band.

[53:39] Hope everything works out.

Dan McCoy

[53:40] Yeah.

[53:40] You seem like a great couple.

[53:42] I don't know much about either of you,

[53:43] but one of you can write in to the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] One of you writes a funny letter.

[53:48] I know both of you are fans.

[53:49] He didn't pick that many big words in that letter.

Dan McCoy

[53:51] Yeah.

[53:51] That's forethought.

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] Yeah,

[53:52] because he knows Dan's stupid tunnel.

[53:54] Just trip on him.

Dan McCoy

[53:55] The other one is a lady,

[53:58] and he seems to love you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:01] So you got that going for you.

[54:03] Dan,

[54:03] did you propose to your wife?

[54:05] Yeah.

[54:06] I can't remember.

[54:07] It's a long time ago.

[54:08] I mean,

[54:08] my words were not too well either.

[54:10] Yeah.

[54:10] Look.

[54:11] My words were not too well either.

[54:14] Classic Elliot.

[54:15] Yeah.

[54:16] Classic.

[54:17] Not speaking right.

[54:18] So letters,

[54:19] right?

[54:19] So letters.

[54:20] I think we're all overwhelmed by the emotion of that.

[54:22] Yeah.

[54:22] And I guess we're all invited to the wedding now?

[54:24] Sure,

[54:25] of course.

[54:26] Or we could crash it.

[54:28] What kind of open bar are we talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[54:28] While we're riding high on these letters,

[54:32] I want to give a quick shout out to the three-year anniversary of Chris and Steph,

[54:37] listeners Chris and Steph.

[54:38] They were in the bar the other day and told me their three-year anniversary of Stemma.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] That's very nice.

[54:43] So I guess we've now instituted the precedent that the Flophouse cares about your marriages.

Dan McCoy

[54:47] Yeah,

[54:48] I'm not comfortable with this.

[54:49] No,

[54:50] no,

[54:50] no.

[54:50] I prefer to be a cold,

[54:51] distant god.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] You would rather that...

[54:53] Did you say god?

[54:54] I did.

[54:55] I think you are overestimating your place in the cosmos.

Stuart Wellington

[54:57] You would rather split up marriages so people then marry someone else and spread the Flophouse love to other people.

Elliott Kalan

[55:02] But Dan,

[55:03] without marriages,

[55:04] our source of wives,

[55:06] where will wives' butts come from?

[55:07] Okay,

Dan McCoy

[55:08] this is a misnomer.

[55:09] I like all butts.

[55:10] I don't really care what the marital status is.

[55:13] You don't prefer them to be on wives?

[55:14] Yeah,

[55:14] I mean,

[55:15] well,

[55:15] I mean,

[55:15] I prefer them,

[55:16] look,

[55:17] just because I'm straight,

[55:18] not because I have anything against...

[55:21] This got weird.

[55:22] This got weird for no reason.

[55:24] I personally prefer them to be on wives than on husbands,

[55:27] as a matter of personal sexual preference.

[55:29] But you'll take what you can get.

[55:30] But I'll take unmarried women as well,

[55:32] is all I'm saying.

[55:33] And dudes?

Stuart Wellington

[55:34] Sometimes dudes.

[55:35] Depends on the dude.

[55:36] I mean,

[55:37] if they're really sexy butts,

[55:39] yeah,

[55:39] why not?

[55:39] Danny Glover,

[55:40] yes.

[55:40] Jon Voight,

[55:41] no.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] No.

[55:42] How did Danny Glover get out of there?

[55:45] He's got a great butt.

[55:46] Is he famous for his butt?

[55:47] Lethal Weapon check out that badonk, man.

[55:49] What do you think that lethal weapon was referring to?

[55:51] Yeah.

[55:53] I'm just saying...

[55:54] Did you say...

[55:54] They call him badonkled Glover.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] I'm just saying that that toilet in Lethal Weapon 2 could have exploded and he would have been fine.

Elliott Kalan

[56:00] Yeah.

[56:01] It doesn't make any sense.

[56:02] It would have absorbed into his butt.

[56:03] It's like...

[56:04] It's like he's got two airbags back there.

[56:07] I really hope that as soon as the letter was finished being read...

[56:09] Not just one,

[56:10] like a normal person.

[56:11] That the husband-to-be turned off the podcast...

[56:16] We can only hope.

[56:17] And that they haven't just been like hugging and kissing and talking to each other and then suddenly...

[56:20] No.

[56:20] They hear something about Danny Glover's butt.

Dan McCoy

[56:23] I like to think they are making love to what we're saying right now.

Elliott Kalan

[56:26] I don't like that at all.

[56:27] Right now.

[56:28] I don't like that.

[56:29] Right now.

[56:30] You like zapped her clothes off and then they're...

[56:32] Yeah.

[56:32] Like on a kitchen floor or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] Sure.

[56:34] Why not?

[56:35] It happens in the movies sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] All the time.

[56:37] Yeah.

[56:38] That's what I hear.

[56:38] Like on a staircase in The History of Violence and it looks really uncomfortable.

Dan McCoy

[56:42] Yeah, man.

[56:43] There's 69ing?

[56:44] What happened in The History of Violence?

Elliott Kalan

[56:46] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[56:47] I think it did.

[56:49] Let's check the tape.

[56:52] Check the tape.

[56:52] Don't anybody write in on that one.

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] No.

[56:54] Not interested.

[56:55] Okay.

[56:55] So what do we do next?

[56:57] What's the next part?

[56:58] The next part.

[56:58] We'll watch Mordecai again.

[56:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:01] It's a Grand Hog Day situation.

[57:02] Somebody let me out of this.

[57:03] This is the part of the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked.

[57:08] In contrast to Mordecai, which some of us kind of liked, but there are still better movies

[57:12] to watch.

[57:12] Not really enough to recommend it.

[57:13] I would never recommend it to anybody.

Elliott Kalan

[57:15] Let me jump in here.

[57:16] Yeah, do it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:17] I'm trying to recommend a movie.

[57:18] I think we might recommend the same movie this week.

[57:20] Sure.

[57:20] You go for it.

[57:20] So this is a movie.

[57:21] I'm going to take the wheel on this one.

[57:23] Thematic.

[57:24] Rev My Engines.

[57:25] And recommend a movie that the internet has already kind of championed, but it...

[57:29] In some ways, it might not have gotten the financial backing that it deserves.

[57:34] Nay, has earned by quality.

[57:37] I am going to recommend a little movie called Castle Free.

[57:41] What?

Elliott Kalan

[57:41] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[57:42] Directed by Stuart Gordon.

Elliott Kalan

[57:45] You know what, Stuart?

[57:46] When I said same movie, I was wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] I just want to say that Castle Freak, after its Blu-ray release, has gotten much more attention.

[57:56] And also, possibly, the street-level support from yours truly.

[58:01] Castle Freak has started to get a little more attention, but I recommend that you guys either go buy the Blu-ray or write your congressman to maybe make full moon streaming available to everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Why do you have to write a congressman?

[58:14] To name it, Proclaim it, National Castle Freak Day.

[58:18] I like that.

[58:20] I think it's on the Wikipedia entry for Castle Freak that says, see, also, Head of the Family, Invisal Maniac.

[58:25] Movies that are not related to it at all, except through Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[58:28] Quality, sometimes.

[58:30] They're related because they're both Oscar winners, I'm assuming?

[58:33] No.

[58:36] So, Stuart, what movie are you really recommending?

Elliott Kalan

[58:38] I was going to recommend Castle Freak.

[58:39] Okay.

[58:40] What are you going to recommend?

[58:41] I was going to recommend, as I thought you were going to with your car racing metaphors, a little movie called Mad Max Fury Road.

[58:49] Now, what is this Max so angry about?

[58:51] I'll tell you what he, well, it's more mad, well, he started out mad angry in the first Mad Max because his family had been killed by bikers.

[58:57] But this is three movies later, on the fourth film.

[59:00] It's long past the nuclear apocalypse.

[59:02] Now he's more mad insane.

[59:04] 46 years, in fact.

[59:05] And he is, let's just say one thing.

[59:09] If you're a Flophouse listener, you probably saw this movie already.

[59:12] I really loved it.

[59:13] It was everything I wanted from that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[59:14] You should have already seen, if you haven't seen this movie, you're crazy.

[59:17] Turn off this stupid podcast and go watch the movie.

[59:20] What the fuck are you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[59:20] Tracy, stop saying yes to the marriage proposal.

[59:23] Go see Mad Max Fury Road.

[59:25] Mad Max Fury Road is nonstop Mad Max action, for the most part.

[59:30] Don't watch Mad Max Fury Road.

[59:32] No, that's a different thing.

Stuart Wellington

[59:34] I mean, you can watch that only after you've watched the original.

Elliott Kalan

[59:37] We're in an even more extreme, grotesque, and delightful nuclear wasteland than in the previous Mad Max movies.

[59:44] Tom Hardy, I find, to be a more than fitting replacement for Mel Gibson, especially as the character has become simplified and kind of—

[59:53] Less important to his own story.

[59:54] Well, he's gone crazy to the point that he's now just this kind of being running on instinct for the most part and communicating very briefly, if at all.

[1:00:03] With the strangest accent in the world.

[1:00:06] Yes.

[1:00:07] With an accent that's not quite English or Australian or American.

[1:00:09] It's somewhere in between.

[1:00:11] Charlize Theron is great as Imperator Friorosa.

[1:00:14] Yep.

[1:00:15] And there's so many great, crazy character designs.

[1:00:19] There's so much grotesque stuff.

[1:00:20] The action scenes are amazing.

[1:00:22] It's almost nonstop thrills, chills, and spills.

[1:00:24] The art book is really great, too.

[1:00:26] The designs are fantastic, and many of them, as well as the script being incorporated by, done by comic artist Brendan McCarthy, who actually illustrated my first ever Marvel story.

[1:00:38] Oh, wow.

[1:00:38] My Captain America story from years ago.

[1:00:41] So I felt a little bit of pride there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:43] Well, no, the script was originally written all storyboards.

[1:00:46] As storyboards, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:47] But it's just a really fun, intense action movie.

[1:00:50] When I saw it, literally, I sat down through the entire credits and didn't get up because I was so kind of, like, vibrating from having just seen this that I felt like I couldn't stand up right away.

[1:01:00] But I would fall over.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:01] No, it creates an altered state in you that is not unlike taking drugs.

[1:01:05] Kind of.

[1:01:05] You, I, like, you know, we took a cab ride back from the screening afterwards, and we were both sort of, yeah, like, in this, like, phase where we're just like, we are so hyped up, and we do not know what to do with this energy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] Yeah, it's like, this movie is like just amphetamines being shot into your system.

[1:01:22] But there's, the moment, and this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:23] You know from all your experience of amphetamines.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:27] The, from my experience reading Hunter S. Thompson.

[1:01:30] He's an amphetamaniac.

[1:01:31] Yeah, I actually, I think I actually saw it.

[1:01:33] Similar but different.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:34] I saw it twice within a 12-hour time period.

[1:01:37] And I do not regret that.

[1:01:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:39] It was the perfect choice.

[1:01:40] I kind of want to see it under altered states a little bit.

[1:01:43] I think that might be.

[1:01:44] I don't know.

[1:01:45] It's so much fun without it.

[1:01:46] I don't know why you need it.

[1:01:47] Here's the moment that some, where I, I went from liking the movie a lot to loving the movie.

[1:01:53] Or rather when I went from loving it to worshipping it.

[1:01:56] Which is when Max and Charlize Theron are on the run from all the bad guys who are in their

[1:02:00] giant truck war rigs.

[1:02:03] And there's a truck that's just got rows of drummers on the back of it.

[1:02:07] Just beating war drums.

[1:02:08] And the camera is moving around this group of trucks.

[1:02:11] And it gets to the front of that drum truck.

[1:02:13] And there's just a guy in red long underwear with his head wrapped up so he can't see.

[1:02:18] Strapped to a wall of amps.

[1:02:20] Just shredding away on an electric guitar on the top of a truck.

[1:02:25] As everything zooms down the highway across a nuclear desert.

[1:02:29] And I was like, yep, this is exactly the movie I've been dreaming about all this time.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] You did it, Hollywood.

[1:02:34] You cracked the code.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] Hollywood didn't do it.

[1:02:36] It's all George Miller.

[1:02:37] And the people who he worked with.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] That's what I want to say about this movie.

[1:02:41] I feel like we all three would be recommending this movie if we didn't know that one.

[1:02:50] Yeah, I mean, I was recommending Castle Free.

[1:02:53] If we weren't aware that all of us were going to be recommending this movie, we all would recommend

[1:02:59] this movie.

[1:02:59] Yeah, I didn't see any other movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:00] If a movie tops this movie for my favorite movie of the year, this will be the best year

[1:03:06] of movies of my life.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] Yeah, it would be a gift of the move guy situation.

[1:03:12] Like, you would all be recommending.

[1:03:13] Wait, wait, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] A gift of the move guy?

[1:03:15] I bought you combs for your movies, but you've already destroyed the movies, so your combs

[1:03:20] are wasted.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:21] I bought you a new Blu-ray player, but you sold all your Blu-rays to buy me...

[1:03:26] A movie fob.

[1:03:28] So you don't lose your movies from your pocket.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:32] To buy me a binder for the discs.

[1:03:34] No, but what I was going to say about this movie is, like, I read a bunch of reviews of

[1:03:40] this movie that were all, like, you know, praising it as an action film and praising,

[1:03:43] you know, how it's a triumph of practical special effects and a triumph of old school action

[1:03:49] filmmaking where you actually, like, have a sense of the geography of things.

[1:03:54] You know, all these things that are true about the movie, but what none of these reviews really

[1:04:00] said, which baffles me because it is so front center, is how bonkers craze balls this movie

[1:04:06] is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] I think plenty of the reviews, I think, mention that.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] But it's...

[1:04:09] But, like, they didn't, like, really get into, like, how...

[1:04:10] Like, this movie is, like...

[1:04:12] It's crazy.

[1:04:13] It is an Australian exploitation movie, like, made with $200 million.

[1:04:19] Like, it...

[1:04:20] Yeah.

[1:04:20] Like, in terms of, like, the...

[1:04:22] Like, everyone is just, like, shouting at each other in, like, weird Australian actions.

[1:04:25] They're just, like...

[1:04:26] They're, like, pointing at each other.

[1:04:28] And, like, it's all, like, fast motion weird.

[1:04:30] Like, they've, like, undercranked the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:32] And also...

[1:04:33] Except for Tom Hardy and these four young women that he's trying to save in it.

[1:04:38] Every character is grotesquely deformed or maimed or just hideously ugly in some way.

[1:04:44] And the old ladies that come in later.

[1:04:45] They're not ugly, but...

[1:04:46] The Volvolini?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:47] Yeah.

[1:04:48] But there's...

[1:04:49] Like, George Miller has not changed, though, is the thing.

[1:04:51] No.

[1:04:52] He's just got more...

[1:04:52] Since he made the Road Warrior, he's got more so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:55] More resources to do a bigger...

[1:04:57] Like, there were parts of this where I'm, like, this is basically Road Warrior again.

[1:05:01] But, like, bigger and crazier.

[1:05:04] More stagecoach-y.

[1:05:05] Yeah.

[1:05:05] And there's other differences.

[1:05:06] But, like, yeah, it's...

[1:05:08] But, uh...

[1:05:08] Yeah, in that they're getting chased one way and they get chased another way.

[1:05:12] But, like, it's so crazy.

[1:05:15] Yeah.

[1:05:16] And I feel like a lot of the reviews have been trying to dignify this movie.

[1:05:19] Or at least treat it with dignity.

[1:05:21] No, it is a zany cartoon of a movie.

[1:05:23] But it is a movie that is dignified and deserves dignity.

[1:05:26] Yeah.

[1:05:26] But they're kind of...

[1:05:28] They seem to be missing out the fun.

[1:05:29] You have the fact that it is crazed balls insane-y-o.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:31] And it feels like the closest thing you'll ever get to, like, a filmed 2000 AD strip.

[1:05:36] Like, not just because Brendan McCarthy was involved and, like, the look of the film.

[1:05:40] Just, like, the structure is very much like a comic book.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:44] Yeah.

[1:05:44] If someone, like, did, like, an underground cartoon and was like, we're going to film this in all of the weirdness of it.

[1:05:51] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:53] Yeah.

[1:05:53] And just the fact...

[1:05:54] If you stay through the credits and just look at the characters' names, all these characters who are not mentioned by name in the movie and have the most amazing names.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:02] Like, did you see Matt Singer, film critic Matt Singer's article where he made a list of...

[1:06:08] He mixed up a list of Mad Max characters and just crazy bullshit names he made up.

[1:06:13] No.

[1:06:13] And it was a quiz to see if he could pick out which ones were right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:16] Well, that one of the characters is named Rictus Erectus.

[1:06:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:19] And then there's...

[1:06:20] That the character...

[1:06:21] The doctor character is referred to as the organic mechanic.

[1:06:23] Like, they have great rhyming names, a lot of it.

[1:06:27] I can't remember most of the really good names, but they're really great.

[1:06:31] It's worth sitting through the credits.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:33] So I'm going to recommend a movie that, like...

[1:06:34] Mad Max Fury Road.

[1:06:36] Is...

[1:06:36] No, like, I would...

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] It's high-octane thrill road.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:40] Let's be clear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Take your favorite blood bag.

[1:06:43] Let's be clear.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:43] If I was not totally sure that one of my co-hosts was not going to recommend Mad Max Fury Road,

[1:06:50] I would recommend Mad Max Fury Road.

[1:06:52] But thematically...

[1:06:53] Are you trying to say you don't like Mad Max Fury Road?

[1:06:56] Opposite.

[1:06:57] But thematically, I'm going to recommend something that kind of plays into the whole Mad Max Fury Road thing.

[1:07:03] Called Road Warrior.

[1:07:04] Which is...

[1:07:05] No, I watched a movie that I will not make any arguments for as great cinema.

[1:07:11] I'll make an argument for it as something that hovers perfectly in that zone between good-bad movie and movie I kind of like.

[1:07:20] Which was I watched Need for Speed, which is another car racing movie.

[1:07:26] Chase movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:28] Is that the one with the kid from Breaking Bad?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:31] Yeah, the guy plays Jesse in Breaking Blood.

[1:07:35] Breaking Blood.

[1:07:35] Breaking Blood, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] Blah, blah.

[1:07:39] Breaking Vlad.

[1:07:41] Blah, I need to sell meth to support my family.

[1:07:44] I have cancer.

[1:07:46] No, you're undead.

[1:07:46] You'll never die.

[1:07:47] You're immortal.

[1:07:48] All right.

[1:07:49] He turns out I'm just a bad guy.

[1:07:52] He remembers that?

[1:07:53] Blah.

[1:07:54] Walter Veidt.

[1:07:56] That's good.

[1:07:57] I like that.

[1:07:57] Yeah, no.

[1:07:57] Aaron Paul.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:59] Who played Jesse in Breaking Bad.

[1:08:01] You got Dominic Cooper, who was the elder Stark.

[1:08:07] Tony Stark's father.

[1:08:07] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:08] Who am I thinking of?

[1:08:08] Who's in the wire?

[1:08:09] Dominic Cooper.

[1:08:09] Oh, the guy who's going to be Preacher?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:11] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:08:12] You got Amogene Poots.

[1:08:13] And he was in...

[1:08:14] And he was in...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:15] Amogene Poots?

[1:08:16] Hey, we got two flop people there.

[1:08:18] Yeah.

[1:08:18] Dominic, what's his name, was in Dracula.

[1:08:20] And Amogene Poots was in, what, that awkward moment?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:23] Yeah.

[1:08:23] Yep.

[1:08:23] Oh, she's going to be in the new...

[1:08:25] She's going to be in the green room.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:27] Well, you got three flop people because Dakota Johnson is also in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:30] Wow.

[1:08:31] Dan, this is a flop trove.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:32] But also, Michael Keaton is in it playing...

[1:08:36] Basically, imagine the Warriors radio DJ character.

[1:08:42] Okay.

[1:08:42] A character who's narrating the events of the movie, but also is in charge of the big final

[1:08:47] race.

[1:08:48] Michael Keaton plays that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:49] Can I imagine he's the Vanishing Point radio character?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:52] Oh, sure.

[1:08:52] Okay.

[1:08:53] Whatever you're imagining, imagine that Michael Keaton came in for one day of filming.

[1:08:57] He's like, I'll do it all in one room, talking into a computer.

[1:09:01] Can I do that?

[1:09:02] And they're like, sure, whatever, Michael Keaton.

[1:09:04] We're glad to have you.

[1:09:05] But this is a movie that takes about 20 minutes to set itself up, which is 20 minutes too

[1:09:11] long.

[1:09:12] But once it gets into...

[1:09:14] And all that 20 minutes is to establish that Aaron Paul needs to win this race.

[1:09:19] One, to save his family's garage.

[1:09:23] Okay.

[1:09:24] Two...

[1:09:25] Why didn't he just do a bikini car wash?

[1:09:27] Two, because the guy that stole his girlfriend is a dick.

[1:09:32] And three, because the guy, the dick who schooled his girlfriend, framed him for the manslaughter

[1:09:38] killing of his best friend.

[1:09:41] And so he has to clear his name, I guess, by winning a race.

[1:09:44] And so he has to get from New York to California in 48 hours.

[1:09:48] And then he has to enter this race and win it.

[1:09:51] And it has a lot of good practical special effects because it was, like John Wick, it was directed

[1:09:56] by a stunt person.

[1:09:58] So...

[1:09:59] They prefer to be called stunted Americans.

[1:10:02] So there's a little more care put into the effects and the geography of the effects than

[1:10:07] you usually see in the action movie.

[1:10:08] If this was a bear, what kind of bear would it be?

[1:10:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:11] I don't...

[1:10:12] Kodiak?

[1:10:12] Like a Care Bear.

[1:10:13] Whoa.

[1:10:14] What?

[1:10:14] I don't...

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:15] Because he said Care was put into it.

[1:10:17] Oh.

[1:10:18] I get it.

[1:10:18] Keep up, guys.

[1:10:19] Keep up, guys.

[1:10:20] Was it a black bear?

[1:10:24] Grizzly?

[1:10:24] It was...

[1:10:25] Was it a panda bear?

[1:10:27] Polar bear?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:28] I don't know what this bear tangent is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:29] Answer the question, Dan.

[1:10:30] Was it a polar bear?

[1:10:31] Yeah, it was a polar bear.

[1:10:33] Polar bear directed a movie that's a...

[1:10:34] You buried the lead.

[1:10:35] Was it one of those Coca-Cola polar bears?

[1:10:37] They seem smart.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:38] The point is, it's a dumb movie, but it's a dumb movie that I had a lot of fun watching.

[1:10:42] So if you're coming home from Mad Max Fury Road...

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:46] Two for two.

[1:10:47] Lucy and Need for Speed.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:48] And you want to see a movie that's much worse than Mad Max Fury Road, but also has cars racing

[1:10:54] around going to zoom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:55] Yeah, because Mad Max Fury Road's not going to fill your need for cars racing around.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:58] That's what I'm saying.

[1:10:59] Like, if he wasn't methadone from it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:00] Oh, you want to come down, I see.

[1:11:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:02] You could do worse from Need for Speed.

[1:11:04] I think it was unfairly...

[1:11:06] You could do worse, says Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:07] You could do worse than Dan McCoy than a lot of us.

[1:11:09] Watch the Hitcher instead.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:10] It was a movie that got a lot of bad reviews.

[1:11:12] I think it's a lot more fun than the reviews it suggests, is all I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:16] Okay.

[1:11:16] Need for Speed.

[1:11:17] Give it a try.

[1:11:17] Yeah.

[1:11:18] But Mad Max Fury Road...

[1:11:19] Yeah, no, that's the number one.

[1:11:20] And Castle Freak.

[1:11:21] We recovered it.

[1:11:22] Hey, Castle Freak.

[1:11:23] Three for three, guys.

[1:11:24] And I just want to say one thing.

[1:11:26] It is an exploitation...

[1:11:27] Mad Max Fury Road is a big budget exploitation movie, but it's great.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:31] Yeah, it's great.

[1:11:31] It's a great movie.

[1:11:32] I was just trying to capture the zaniness of it.

[1:11:34] No, but I agree, yeah.

[1:11:35] Which I feel like a lot of the reviews in the...

[1:11:38] Yeah, as you say, like, in their, like, need to, like, dignify it, like, did not sort of paper over the fact that it is a Looney Tunes movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:46] And a lot of, and not, of course, not a real Looney Tunes movie with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

[1:11:51] They haven't made a movie since Looney Tunes back in action.

[1:11:53] What about the one where they're on the island?

[1:11:56] Donald, Daffy Duck's Fantasy Island?

[1:11:58] Fantastic Island, yeah.

[1:11:59] That was one of, that's more of a repack thing where they had some original animation between old cartoons, like Daffy Duck's Quack Busters was the same thing.

[1:12:07] Yeah.

[1:12:07] And 1001 Arabian Bunny Tales, whatever it was called.

[1:12:10] That sounds like a porno.

[1:12:13] Like a bunny.

[1:12:15] Yes, that was...

[1:12:16] That was the subject of my joke.

[1:12:19] But there's a lot of, not to keep talking about Fury Road, but, like, it does feel like a lot of reviewers from prestigious publications saw it and liked it and were like,

[1:12:27] I can't like this just because it's a crazy bonkers thrill ride.

[1:12:32] I'm going to come up with some reason why I like it.

[1:12:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:36] So, that's three recommendations for Fury Road.

[1:12:39] Three.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] And one for Castle Freak.

[1:12:42] Yeah.

[1:12:43] And sleep, don't run to see Need for Speed.

[1:12:46] Says Dan McCoy.

[1:12:47] It's all right.

[1:12:47] Yeah, it's all right.

[1:12:49] Hey, that's all right, boss.

[1:12:51] Raves Dan McCoy in offensive Italian accent.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:55] Wow.

[1:12:56] I'm sorry that I'm coughing right when I need to go into the next thing.

[1:12:59] Which is to say, we're just one part of the MaxFun Podcast, which I was reminded of when I was out.

[1:13:06] MaxFun Podcast Network, sorry.

[1:13:09] Which I was reminded of yet again.

[1:13:11] You were in Los Angeles.

[1:13:12] When I was in L.A.

[1:13:13] L.A.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:14] Lala Land.

[1:13:15] Babe City.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:16] And I had some drinks with Jordan Morris of Jordan Jesse Go.

[1:13:21] Name dropping.

[1:13:22] And Travis McElroy of My Brother and My Brother and Me.

[1:13:26] Two of, I would dare say my.

[1:13:27] What kind of drinks did you have?

[1:13:28] Two other favorite podcasts on the MaxFun Network.

[1:13:31] I'll pick in favorites.

[1:13:32] I'll pick in enemies.

[1:13:33] Sure, why not?

[1:13:33] I don't care.

[1:13:35] Burning bridges.

[1:13:36] Come at me, bros.

[1:13:37] I had some old fashions.

[1:13:38] Okay.

[1:13:39] But I met Jordan before.

[1:13:42] It's my first time meeting Travis.

[1:13:45] Meeting the McElroy.

[1:13:45] The middlest brother of the McElroy Brothers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:48] Yeah, you tell him I want to be on their D&D podcast.

[1:13:50] I did tell him that.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:51] Okay, good.

[1:13:51] And Travis and I bonded over the fact that we both agreed that we were like.

[1:13:57] People have tried to map the three of us, you, Stuart, Elliot, and me, onto other characters

[1:14:03] in pop culture.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:04] Yeah, I feel like I'm more of a Huey, you're more of a Dewey, and Stuart's a real Louie.

[1:14:08] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:09] And we were mapping us onto the McElroy's, and Travis and I agreed that we were the same.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:15] You didn't touch each other.

[1:14:17] Yeah, they put handstands and said, you're not so different, you and I.

[1:14:19] Yeah, and then we exploded.

[1:14:21] We touched each other and melt into each other and explode like in time.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:25] But he was a delightful person, in person, as you would imagine him to be.

[1:14:32] His wife was equally delightful.

[1:14:34] And so you should listen to his podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

[1:14:37] He also has other podcasts, Bunker Buddies being one of them, The Adventure Zone.

[1:14:42] Adventure Zone.

[1:14:43] All good stuff.

[1:14:44] My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

[1:14:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:46] I'm just saying check out McElroy's.

[1:14:47] Adventure Zone.

[1:14:49] Yeah.

[1:14:49] A lot of great MaxFun podcasts, even ones that don't have McElroys in them.

[1:14:52] Yeah.

[1:14:53] Like Jordan, Jesse Goh.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:54] Where'd you go?

[1:14:57] Things That I Can't Remember Right Now.

[1:14:58] Things That I Can't Remember Right Now.

[1:14:59] Is that a podcast?

[1:15:00] Starring Dan McCoy.

[1:15:02] I don't remember Dan McCoy.

[1:15:04] Why don't you fucking help out by promoting our benevolent podcast overlords?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:10] Yeah, MaxFun.

[1:15:11] We got tons of great shows.

[1:15:13] Throwing Shade.

[1:15:14] Yeah, there you go.

[1:15:15] That's one.

[1:15:16] Elliot.

[1:15:16] Judge John Hodgman.

[1:15:17] Perfect.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:18] Sure, bullseye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:19] Wait, are we just doing rounds?

[1:15:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:22] Let's see how long we can keep this going.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:24] Too much pressure now.

[1:15:27] Yeah, there you go.

[1:15:27] I can't.

[1:15:28] Yeah, I can't.

[1:15:29] Look, Dan, there's too many people watching me.

[1:15:30] The Flophouse.

[1:15:31] Okay.

[1:15:32] Yeah, boom.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:32] We did it.

[1:15:33] Brought it around.

[1:15:34] Point is, go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:15:37] Check out other shows on the network.

[1:15:39] I think that you'll find that they're all delightful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:41] From our show and other shows.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:43] There's a sensibility that runs through the Maximum Fun Podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:46] A sense and sensibility in that we're all based on the works of Jane Austen.

[1:15:50] Yeah.

[1:15:51] I think you'll enjoy it.

[1:15:52] The Flophouse is a loose adaptation of Northanger Abbey.

[1:15:55] Very loose.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:57] Very loose, if you know what I mean.

[1:15:59] Anyway, the point was just thank you for Jordan and Travis for being hospitable when I was

[1:16:06] in their city.

[1:16:07] And check out MaxFun Podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:09] Is this like a weird way of inviting other MaxFun people to New York so we can buy them

[1:16:14] drinks?

[1:16:14] Yeah.

[1:16:14] Why not?

[1:16:16] My bar will probably be open soon.

[1:16:17] Let's all hang out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:19] Yeah, let's have a regular MaxFun hangout.

[1:16:21] Is this a weird way to invite other MaxFun hosts to hang out with?

[1:16:23] I have an Algonquin round table at your bar.

[1:16:25] Yeah, dude in front of other people.

[1:16:27] Algonquin pod table.

[1:16:29] Is Jordan Jesse Go named after what I assume their shared father said when he threw them

[1:16:33] out of the house?

[1:16:35] Jordan Jesse Go!

[1:16:37] Yeah.

[1:16:38] I have no hosts.

[1:16:40] Yeah.

[1:16:42] So Dan, who are we and what are we from and what are we doing now?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:44] Go in.

[1:16:45] This is the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:16:47] Uh-huh.

[1:16:48] We're from the MaxFun Network.

[1:16:50] We're podcasters primarily.

[1:16:51] From Brooklyn, New York.

[1:16:52] We're from Brooklyn, New York.

[1:16:53] I'm trying to set you up to end the podcast.

[1:16:55] What do we do now?

[1:16:56] Forget about it.

[1:16:57] It's insane.

[1:16:59] Goodbye to all of you.

[1:17:01] So what are we doing?

[1:17:03] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:17:06] And I have been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:10] And yours in Mad Max Fury Road, I am Elliot Kalin.

[1:17:14] Good night, everyone.

[1:17:15] Mordecai!

[1:17:16] Ha ha ha ha.

[1:17:20] I love Premium Rush.

[1:17:29] Premium Rush, great.

[1:17:30] Oh!

[1:17:30] I'm going to say the Caveman's review.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:34] Premium Rush.

[1:17:34] That's what J.R.

[1:17:35] Havelin has to say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:36] Yeah.

[1:17:36] Take that, J.R.

[1:17:37] Havelin.

[1:17:39] So says Og on Caveman Review.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:42] Michael Shannon performance nuance.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] Thog and Grok in the aisle.

[1:17:47] Og and Thunk go to the movies.

[1:17:50] I give this one one thumb-type finger up.

[1:17:55] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:57] So they know the word thumb, but they don't have one yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:01] They're not smart enough to know.

[1:18:03] Well, they don't have opposable thumbs.

[1:18:04] They're hominids.

[1:18:05] Oh, I see.

[1:18:07] Homonyms.

[1:18:08] No, they're not homonyms.

[1:18:09] They're hymbium nims, like in Gulliver's Travels.

[1:18:13] They're hom-meow nims.

[1:18:14] Oh, that's a cat.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:15] That's when a cat sounds like another cat.

[1:18:17] Yeah.

[1:18:18] All right.

[1:18:18] Let's do an introduction first.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:21] My name's Stuart.

[1:18:23] No.

[1:18:24] I've been on the podcast for like a million years.

[1:18:26] And I never want to stop doing it.

[1:18:29] I love cats.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:30] What about you?

[1:18:31] If you're interested in meeting up, just write to me at stuartatmeow.com slash edu.

[1:18:38] Let's get a little weird.

[1:18:39] Who cares?

[1:18:41] Baby geniuses.

S5

[1:18:43] Hey, everybody.

[1:18:43] I'm Emily.

[1:18:44] And I'm Lisa.

[1:18:45] We co-host Baby Geniuses every other Monday on Maximum Fun.

S4

[1:18:47] We interview comedians, musicians, cartoonists, circus clowns, and experts in the field of

S5

[1:18:52] Vacations, the afterlife, pool, recipes, self-improvement, fashion, candy, beach boys, girls, turtles, pop twists, women, dating, fitness,

[1:18:56] presidents, air removal, conflict resolution, Santa, meditation, babies, modern dinosaurs, bullying, crop circles, the beetles, middle-aged men, experts, teens, life hacking, rhyming, baby talks, personal organization, the name Dexter, Frazier, extreme eating, groceries, being a best friend, movement, jam, art education, America's funniest home videos, stockbroking, spooky stories, genealogy, riddles, Pinterest, IT, magic, revenge, mothering, dogs, ayahuasca, Hollywood legends, street racing, fitting in, celebrity sex, the occult, personal training, the ocean, Dennis the Menace, modern poetry, sugar gliders, Jimmy Buffett, Franks, The Tonight Show with Gun, Johnny Carson, Mountain Dew, theme park safety, dinner parties, butterflies, raccoons, pasta shaves, and Bob Dylan.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:21] Join us every other Monday.

[1:19:23] Yay.

Ep. #179 - Mortdecai

Audio Player

Save Bit

Bits in This Episode (1)

Transcript