Ep. #195 - The Golden Child

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Before we start tonight, just a warning, the sound quality dips for a while in this episode for reasons that will later become clear.

[0:12] But stick with it. Everything works out in the end.

[0:16] On this episode, we discuss our contest winner selection, the Golden Child.

Elliott Kalan

[0:23] You know, no one's ever lost money investing in golden children.

[0:26] Do you have a pamphlet about this?

[0:28] I do. Are you elderly?

[0:30] And easily fooled?

Dan McCoy

[0:57] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:01] Oh, hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] And I'm Elliot Kalin. That was a real SNL cast member, oh, I didn't realize you were looking at me, introduction.

[1:10] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] If we sound any different, it's not just because it is now 2016.

[1:15] We're a little older. A little wiser.

[1:17] Why else?

[1:18] Wait, just rewind.

[1:20] We're recording on my MacBook, my new MacBook, because my old one suddenly has decided that it doesn't want to open up GarageBand.

[1:32] And we're recording on a totally new version of GarageBand that, like most Apple updates, is totally different and totally inexplicable to users of the previous version.

[1:41] So is this not a paid sponsorship plug?

[1:44] It is not.

[1:45] Let me also complain about how my new MacBook has only one input, and it's the same input you charge from as you use for the USB port.

[1:55] And you have to use a USB port adapter.

[1:58] So luckily, this computer was totally charged, or else maybe we wouldn't have had an episode tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] Furthermore, Mr. Apple, this supposed MacBook Air is unbreathable.

Dan McCoy

[2:09] Furthermore, Mr. Apple, you can fuck right off.

[2:12] I mean, you can always buy a different brand's products.

[2:15] No, they're great.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] You have to understand, Elliot.

[2:19] His wallet isn't big enough to hold two different MacBooks.

[2:23] What?

[2:24] Because he's so wealthy with MacBooks.

[2:25] I don't understand what you just said.

[2:28] I'm just saying that it's a common problem, that somebody has way too many MacBooks.

[2:32] Is it?

[2:32] Is that a problem?

[2:34] Yeah, apparently it is today.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] It's like some sort of King Midas situation where people touch everything and they turn to MacBooks.

[2:43] Why is he touching everything at this point?

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] Doesn't he know the fucking gypsy's curse at this point?

[2:48] King Midas, well, one, it's not a gypsy's curse.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] I mean, if you're living, you're pretty much touching things.

[2:53] King Midas was a very handsy king.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] What if he's in a sensory deprivation tank?

[2:58] Let me tell you.

[2:59] It's not like the molecules turn into tiny little baby MacBooks.

Dan McCoy

[3:02] Let me tell you.

[3:03] There's one thing he's touching that turned into a MacBook.

[3:06] You know what I'm talking about.

[3:07] What?

[3:08] I don't understand.

[3:10] Hey, everyone out there, you know what I'm talking about, listeners.

[3:13] No, don't respond to it.

[3:15] There's one thing you're touching.

[3:16] One thing you can't keep your hands off of.

[3:18] Do you think that was King Midas?

[3:19] He turns into a matchbox.

[3:21] Matchbox.

[3:22] The little match girl sold these terrible matchboxes.

[3:27] Matchbox cars.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Do you think King Midas?

[3:29] 20 of them.

[3:30] Do you think the last straw for King Midas was when he was like, well, it's the only solace

[3:33] I've left and started masturbating and turned his penis gold?

Dan McCoy

[3:35] That's what I'm saying.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:38] And then gold semen spread it out and immediately froze in a fountain like a cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] I don't, what cartoon are you watching when that happens, dude?

[3:48] What kind of Ralph Bakshi crap is this?

[3:52] Oh, that is not a cartoon I want a child to be watching.

[3:56] I guess we are talking about gold, though, right?

[3:58] Speaking of gold and golden children, yes, Stuart, you're right.

[4:01] And Dan, you're right.

[4:02] Dan, we watched a contest entry today, and that's why.

[4:05] We watched the movie chosen by the winner of a contest.

[4:09] I explained it well enough.

[4:11] Which is why we watched an older movie tonight.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Yeah, that's right.

[4:15] All the way from the ancient decade known as the 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] Described at the top of the movie as the present day.

[4:23] Yeah.

[4:24] Now, look.

[4:24] Which confused me at first because it did not look like 2016.

Elliott Kalan

[4:28] I mean, it didn't even look like the 80s since it said it was present day in a Tibetan

[4:32] monastery in the mountains.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] Yeah.

[4:34] Let me just back up for a second and specify that Thomas Horstman won.

[4:42] Brother of BoJack Horstman.

[4:43] I hope that you didn't hear that on the podcast.

[4:46] That was a.

[4:47] But you'll reference it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] That was a.

[4:49] That was a coaster hitting the ground.

[4:50] Continue, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[4:51] Swedish tin coaster with dogs on it hitting the ground and making a clattering noise.

Stuart Wellington

[4:58] They're normally stacked carefully next to his pile of MacBook Airs.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] Yeah.

[5:02] Which he also uses coasters.

[5:04] It's just like in Fateful Findings.

[5:05] There's just MacBook Airs all over the table and he sweeps them off.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] It's MacBook Airs all the way down.

[5:11] But Thomas Horstman won Stuart's contest challenge.

[5:16] Poorly defined contest of the autumn.

[5:19] Actually one of the better defined contests.

[5:20] Design a choking.

[5:23] Victim poster.

[5:24] Victim poster.

[5:25] For his bar.

[5:26] So.

[5:27] About how to choke victims.

[5:28] Someday in the future.

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] Years from now when we're all wearing fucking space boots.

[5:32] We'll listen to this episode together around a roaring space fireplace.

[5:36] Yeah, someday Stuart.

[5:37] And think, ha ha ha.

[5:38] His bar's been open for years.

[5:40] What a ridiculous notion that it wouldn't open.

[5:42] You don't have to keep that laser blaster in your mouth anymore, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Why are you suicidal in the future?

[5:49] That's what's crazy.

[5:53] I mean, clearly we're all bitter about something.

[5:55] I'm bitter about MacBook.

[5:58] Stuart's bitter about his bar.

[6:01] I mean.

[6:01] And I just had a lot of Brussels sprouts for lunch.

[6:03] So that was pretty bitter.

[6:04] You got a bitter taste in your mouth.

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:05] You washed it down with that bottle of Malort.

[6:08] What is Malort?

[6:09] Is that something an alien drink?

[6:10] You asked your buddy John Hodgman about that.

[6:12] Oh, you could tell me.

[6:13] It's a very herbal liquor.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] See, you got to understand, Dan.

[6:18] Elliot's trying to beef up.

[6:19] Get a little, put a little more meat on those bones.

[6:22] And he heard about these muscles from Brussels.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] That's exactly what happened.

[6:28] Yeah.

[6:28] I heard about the muscle building weight gain power of Brussels sprouts.

Dan McCoy

[6:33] Yep.

[6:34] He wants the miracle fruit.

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] But the miracle about it, not actually a fruit.

[6:39] Despite the fact that it looks like a tiny cabbage, it's not a fruit.

[6:43] Despite a cabbage not making a fruit, it's not a fruit.

Stuart Wellington

[6:48] That's my favorite flavor of sorbet.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Tiny cabbage?

[6:52] Yeah.

[6:53] Yeah.

[6:54] Hold me closer, tiny cabbage.

[6:57] He was such a great tap dancer, tiny cabbage.

[7:01] When he started in those tap dancing themed mystery movies in the 30s.

Dan McCoy

[7:07] R.I.P.

[7:07] Tiny cabbage.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] So there was a contest to design a how to save a choking victim poster for Stuart's upcoming barn.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] And the winner sent us a few options of what we could watch for a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] And Dan, of course, tried to eliminate any of the ones that seemed fun.

Dan McCoy

[7:24] But did he fail?

[7:25] That's not true.

[7:25] Maybe.

[7:27] Typically, we ask for a spectrum so we can find something that we haven't seen already.

[7:33] In this case, Stuart had definitely seen The Golden Child before, but as a child himself.

[7:38] As a golden child.

[7:40] Forgotten to him.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] So was The Golden...

[7:43] Now, I don't remember the movie since we just watched it.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] Watching it again, I realize I remember every moment of this movie.

[7:47] Really?

[7:48] Yep.

[7:49] Five stars.

[7:50] Watching it again, you realize it was the seminal moment in your life.

Stuart Wellington

[7:53] It all comes back to this.

[7:55] It defined every aspect of my personality.

Dan McCoy

[7:56] It was a real usual suspects moment.

[7:58] That's why you wear that leather cylinder hat around all over.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] There is so many hats in this movie.

[8:05] A wealth.

[8:06] Now, The Golden Child, is it a sequel or a prequel to Golden Girls?

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] Is it the four girls when they're kids like a Muppet Babies?

[8:13] It is the sequel.

[8:14] It is the child that is birthed from their union.

Elliott Kalan

[8:17] Well, that night all four of them got drunk and one of them, I'm assuming Rose, ended up pregnant.

[8:22] Why do you assume Rose?

[8:24] Well, Sophia is too old.

[8:25] Is it because of her libidinous attitude?

[8:27] Well, that would be Blanche.

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] Oh, my God.

[8:29] Oh, I'm going to go self-terminate.

[8:32] Oh, no.

[8:33] Self-terminating.

Dan McCoy

[8:35] Stuart, at least let one of us terminate you.

[8:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] So we can say we had the experience.

[8:40] I can't believe I mixed up Rose and Blanche.

[8:41] You mixed up Blanche Devereaux with Rose.

[8:44] I don't remember her last name.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] Rose is Rose.

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] Oh, my God.

[8:49] She's aged so horribly from the cartoon strip.

[8:52] So The Golden Child.

[8:54] Should we talk about people who are not familiar with this movie?

[8:56] And how could you not be?

[8:58] I mean, it was a huge hit.

[8:59] It was a smash hit.

[8:59] It was a hit.

[9:00] This was, as Dan put it while we were watching it, the movie that taught Eddie Murphy the lesson.

[9:03] He can make a lot of money without trying to be funny.

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] I don't even know if this is a flop because according to Amazon or whatever, it was like four and a half stars, which is probably in line with the critical consensus.

[9:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] No, I mean, it's looked on as a critical failure.

Stuart Wellington

[9:18] Did either of you guys check out Rotten Tomatoes?

[9:21] I did not, no.

[9:22] I didn't either.

Elliott Kalan

[9:23] I just wanted to say that.

[9:24] Dan, cut that part out.

[9:25] Okay.

[9:26] Snip.

[9:27] But this was a movie.

[9:29] Eddie Murphy was on a hot streak.

[9:30] Everything was looking up for Eddie Murphy.

[9:33] Every child he touched was turned to gold.

Dan McCoy

[9:36] He had his Murphy's oil soap fortune.

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:38] The beds that he had invented that fold into walls, those were doing well.

[9:42] And of course, the law he had passed.

Dan McCoy

[9:44] Of course, RoboCop was named.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:48] They cut that part out in post.

[9:50] What's your name, son?

[9:51] Eddie Murphy.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] What should RoboCop's name be, son?

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] Murphy.

[9:59] Nice Gumby impression, son.

[10:01] What's your name?

[10:02] Murphy.

[10:04] But this was a movie that...

[10:06] This came right after...

[10:07] I'm looking online.

[10:08] This came right after Beverly Hills Cop.

[10:10] So they knew he could do action.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:12] And this was an action script that had been floating around for a while.

[10:15] But just like Beverly Hills Cop was originally an action script.

[10:17] Yeah.

[10:17] That was for Stallone.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:19] Yeah.

[10:19] That was for Frank Stallone.

[10:20] And this was originally for Melbert Gibson.

[10:24] And it was written by a guy whose previous credit was just one of the guys.

[10:30] Oh.

[10:30] Perhaps known to me as a 13-year-old as the world's most efficient deliverer of boobs

[10:35] at the end.

[10:37] Wait.

[10:37] Boobs at the end?

[10:38] Yeah.

[10:38] Really the most efficient deliverer of boobs.

[10:40] Boobs at the end?

[10:41] Boobs at the end.

[10:41] There's no boobs until then.

[10:42] You have to wait through a whole movie before there's boobs.

[10:44] No.

[10:44] Here's what you do.

[10:45] You find out what time it's playing.

[10:46] And then you start watching it an hour and 20 minutes in.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Yeah.

[10:50] Yeah.

[10:50] You buy a ticket to the showing at the movie theater.

[10:53] I had HBO do it.

[10:54] You buy a ticket.

[10:56] Wait.

[10:56] Hold on.

[10:56] It's the home box office.

Dan McCoy

[10:58] I have to object.

[10:59] Any movie is an efficient, any boobs containing movie is an efficient boobs delivery system

[11:04] as soon as you know when the boobs are going to come on the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] It's so much easier to know when the boobs are happening because you can basically back

[11:10] time it from the end of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:11] But when you were a little kid, how did you find out the time stamp?

[11:14] Did you like check the peddler's post or something?

Dan McCoy

[11:19] Yeah, exactly.

[11:20] No, but that was, I wouldn't say efficient.

[11:23] I would say it's an excellent delivery system because it being, it was a movie that for

[11:28] whatever reason would play on, say, HBO during the day a lot.

[11:31] Yeah.

[11:32] Well, because there's.

Elliott Kalan

[11:32] I know the reason.

[11:33] It's all because.

[11:34] Because it's charming.

[11:35] Any adult would get bored with the movie and stop watching before the end and be like,

[11:39] eh, we can put this on during the day.

[11:41] There's no boobs in this.

[11:42] Yeah.

[11:42] Missing the part at the end with the aforementioned twice boob.

[11:46] That's how you sneak them in.

[11:48] Well, and kizzle, too.

[11:50] Filmmakers of the future.

[11:52] Put them at the very end.

[11:52] If you're trying to get kids to see a movie with boobs in it, put them at the end.

Dan McCoy

[11:57] I don't know why you're doing it.

[11:59] Seems kind of creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] I mean, the marketing strategy for the movie, like the poster showed the lead covering her

[12:05] boobs with two football helmets.

[12:07] Yeah.

[12:07] So you're just assuming you're going to see them, right?

[12:09] I mean.

[12:09] No, no, no.

[12:10] You're assuming you'll see them.

[12:10] They're going to need those helmets.

Elliott Kalan

[12:12] It's the day of the big game.

Dan McCoy

[12:14] I mean, it was a PG movie, but it was also a PG movie in the days of like Pretty Great Sheena,

[12:19] where like Tanya Roberts could be bathing in a river for a long time.

[12:24] Yeah.

[12:25] Or Teen Wolf.

[12:25] I mean, what?

Dan McCoy

[12:25] Did the EPA ban that?

[12:27] Yeah.

[12:29] That's one of the dangerous levels of Tanya Roberts now.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Tanya Roberts?

Dan McCoy

[12:35] Tanya Roberts.

[12:36] Oh, he was such a good dancer.

[12:38] You drink the water, Little Roberts gets inside your system.

[12:41] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] Do you have a little Roberts in here?

[12:44] They wipe their wipe out.

[12:44] Would you like to?

[12:46] Have a drink of this.

[12:48] Speaking of drinking water, there's a scene involving a glass of water in this movie, which

[12:51] was directed by Michael Ritchie, who directed a number of good movies.

[12:56] He directed Smile, which I like, right?

[12:58] The original Bears.

[13:00] Yep.

[13:02] Fletch.

[13:03] Another movie I know I saw as a kid and I have next to no memory of.

Dan McCoy

[13:07] You know, I mean, if you can disregard all of the irritating people who quote Fletch

[13:11] a lot, it's a pretty funny movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] Oh, and he did Downhill Racer, which is a fantastic movie.

[13:16] Yeah.

[13:16] I think you recommended that on the show once.

[13:17] Yeah, yeah, I did.

Dan McCoy

[13:19] I should have remembered that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] And, of course, Cops and Robbersons.

[13:22] Right.

Dan McCoy

[13:24] There was that, too.

[13:25] You should probably stop scrolling, Elliot.

[13:28] I'm sure his career only gets better the lighter it gets.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] It works with most directors, right?

[13:33] I mean, what?

[13:33] Martin Scorsese and everyone else?

[13:37] I mean, Martin Scorsese.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] You chose a director that's still fairly vital.

[13:41] Yeah, George Miller, 70 and Making Fear of the Road.

[13:43] Fairly vital.

[13:44] What a stinker.

[13:44] He has a movie outlet every year.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] That was my goal of someone who you should not use as an example of what happens to most

[13:50] elderly directors.

[13:51] Yeah, yeah.

[13:52] Usually they're like Clint Eastwood and they disappear and stop making movies.

[13:57] Hold on.

[13:58] No, no, I'm sorry.

[13:58] I meant Woody Allen.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] I mean, there was a decline there.

[14:02] We can agree on that one.

[14:03] But then a resurgence and then a decline again.

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] So The Golden Child, it's a mystical, vaguely mystery.

[14:11] So the movie begins with no dialogue for like 20 minutes.

[14:14] There's a long sequence at the beginning with no dialogue set, as Stuart mentioned, in The

[14:17] Present in Tibet, as a caption tells us, where there's a magic kid who chooses an object

[14:23] from a tray.

Dan McCoy

[14:24] The movie should have been called That Magic Kid.

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] Follow That Magic Kid.

[14:29] Catch That Kid.

[14:30] That's what they want to do the whole movie.

[14:32] He's in Tibet.

[14:33] It's clear that he's the reincarnation of some hoity-toity monk, and he uses his magic

[14:38] to turn a dead parrot.

[14:39] Some snobby monk.

[14:40] He's so great.

[14:42] This monk thinks he's so enlightened.

[14:45] He touches a parrot that's dead and makes it come to life again.

Stuart Wellington

[14:49] He also takes some old monk's necklace instead of picking one from a tray.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] Yeah, he-

[14:54] Like steals a monk's necklace?

[14:55] Kind of, yeah.

[14:56] It's clearly a trick.

[14:58] He's offered things on a tray to choose which one belongs to him as the reincarnation.

[15:03] He knows it's not any of the things on the tray.

[15:05] It's the necklace that the man bearing the tray is wearing.

[15:08] Wow.

[15:08] Mm.

[15:09] Ah!

[15:11] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] Ooh-hoo-hoo.

[15:12] Very nice.

[15:13] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] There's trouble in paradise.

[15:15] Because as the soundtrack-

[15:18] Starring Nicolas Cage.

[15:19] As the soundtrack warns us, as it turns awesome, there's a bunch of bad dudes coming through

[15:26] the snow who want to catch that kid.

Dan McCoy

[15:27] So this movie has-

[15:29] Kidnapped the president.

[15:30] Or getting the president back from being kidnapped.

[15:32] Bad dudes.

[15:33] Oh, bad dudes, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] Yeah, they're ninjas, right?

Stuart Wellington

[15:35] There's monkey-faced ninja.

[15:37] There's kind of-

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] There's Klingon-faced ninja.

[15:39] There's like deformed-faced ninja whose clothing choices throughout the movie are baffling.

[15:44] There's the biker of the apocalypse from Raising Arizona, who has a big forehead in this

[15:51] and doesn't talk.

[15:52] Yeah.

[15:52] And there's-

[15:53] What was the other henchman?

[15:54] Just some-

[15:55] Oh, it's a big guy with a beard or something.

[15:57] Yeah.

[15:57] And a pointy hat.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] But they might as well be like the bikers from Weird Science who come in-

[16:02] They kind of are.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] Vernon Wells.

[16:04] That's right.

[16:05] And they're being led by, of course, Tywin Lannister.

[16:09] Mm-hmm.

[16:09] Charles Dance.

[16:10] Charles Dance, who you may remember best.

[16:12] He's probably best known as the assassin from The Last Action Hero.

[16:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:15] Mm-hmm.

[16:15] That's probably who he's best known for.

[16:16] Mr. Sight-Size Contacts.

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] That guy.

[16:20] Yeah, yeah.

[16:21] He's got the contact that looks like a gun sight.

[16:23] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[16:24] Was that his character's name, Dan?

[16:26] Mr. Sight-Size Contacts.

[16:27] Is he going to trim that down?

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] I would have thought they would have added to that.

[16:30] It's no goofier than his name in this movie, which is-

[16:33] Sardo Numb Spot.

[16:34] I love that band.

[16:37] And so he works for Satan, essentially.

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:40] And in a wordless opening, he and his henchmen kill all the monks and kidnap the kid in a

[16:44] cage.

[16:45] The kid touches one of the henchmen-

[16:46] And the cage is like a giant grabby claw.

[16:48] It looks like a grabby claw at, like, an arcade that you'd use to try to get, like, a little

[16:52] teddy bear, but it's rigged.

[16:53] You're never going to win anything with that.

Stuart Wellington

[16:55] Yeah.

[16:56] It's the only way that they can catch that kid without touching that kid.

[16:59] Because touching that kid's bad news.

[17:01] And also illegal.

[17:02] He's got poison ivy all over him.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] And they're going to be itching all the way down that mountain.

[17:07] When the kid touches you, he turns you into a good guy.

[17:10] So you can't touch him, if you're a bad guy.

[17:12] If you're a good guy, touch away.

[17:13] Touch that kid all you want.

[17:14] Go crazy.

[17:15] Touch him wherever.

[17:17] And they kidnap him.

[17:19] Cut to L.A., which is in the United States.

[17:21] And we know this because we see-

[17:23] But it's like 40 years ago.

[17:25] I mean, it's the 1980s.

[17:28] Oh, okay.

[17:29] But we know that-

[17:30] 40 years ago we were recording this in 2021.

[17:33] In six years, yeah.

[17:37] You know it's America, because there's a bewilderingly fast montage of

[17:41] L.A. street signs, American flags, crazy L.A. kooky characters,

[17:46] and Eddie Murphy just gawking at stuff.

[17:48] And there's one part where there are four shots of four different American flags in a row.

[17:53] And I thought that was amazing.

[17:55] Like, it was such a Reagan-time movie touch that it's like,

[17:59] do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[18:01] America, America, America, America, America.

[18:03] Okay, on with the show.

[18:04] Like, it was the equivalent of just having someone sing the Star-Spangled Banner to kick the movie off.

[18:09] Enter our hero, Edward Murphy, who is a professional child finder.

[18:15] He's a guy who just goes around looking for lost or kidnapped children.

[18:20] And he's the hero, and he's introduced to us shaming a man who is looking at a pornography magazine at a newsstand.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] A man who's harming no one, except for the fact that Eddie Murphy does not take to his choice of pornography.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] He's reading a magazine titled Chunky Asses.

[18:39] And, frankly, I then should be congratulated, delayed, for breaking of the extreme assumption of what a beautiful woman should look like.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] I don't know.

[18:48] He didn't pay for that magazine.

[18:49] It's not like he's at, like, a Barnes & Noble's reading manga in the aisles.

Elliott Kalan

[18:53] So you're saying Eddie Murphy is both a child finder and some sort of newsstand detective?

Stuart Wellington

[18:57] Yeah, like, if he had paid for that magazine, read away, bro.

[19:00] But he's ruining it for the next guy who actually wants to pay for it.

[19:03] He's getting his eye prints all over it.

Dan McCoy

[19:05] There's some mom-and-pop pornographers out there being put out of business by looky-loos like this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] That's his name, Looky Lou.

Dan McCoy

[19:12] Such a good dancer.

[19:14] Anyway, so...

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] Hey, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[19:20] So you may notice that there's no more crackling and clackling.

[19:24] And that's because...

[19:26] Not much spackling.

[19:27] That's because we noticed that that shit was happening.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Our producer, Dan McCoy, eagle-eye that he is, noticed that the waveform function, this is all technical speak, was de-goofified.

[19:39] And he wanted to re-de-goofify it and make it un-glaggable.

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:45] And so we stopped recording, right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[19:48] Sort of.

[19:49] The lousy MacBook that I was talking about before...

[19:54] Again, not a paid sponsor spot, clearly.

[19:57] ...was doing something super funky.

[20:00] And we...

[20:02] That makes it sound awesome.

[20:06] And we had to stop.

[20:07] It was a dynamite.

[20:08] We almost had a Babylon AD situation where this was a lost episode.

[20:12] But we had to stop.

[20:14] I troubleshooted a little more on my old Mac.

[20:17] Troubleshot.

[20:18] Got it working.

[20:20] So we're back on Mac Classic.

[20:23] I fear the day when this computer dies, because then I don't know what we're going to do.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] Maybe get, like, a MacBook instead of a Pro and some MacBook Air.

[20:31] Do they not make those anymore?

Dan McCoy

[20:33] Well, we can get into the details of this off the air.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] Dude, you're getting Adele.

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] Adele the singer.

[20:43] Point is...

[20:43] I was about to try and sing a song, but I don't know any.

[20:47] Sky fall!

Dan McCoy

[20:50] Point is, we lost about maybe five to seven minutes of goofs, but...

[20:55] I'd say ten to twenty.

[20:57] What?

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] A1 gold material.

Stuart Wellington

[20:59] Oh, boy.

[20:59] It was probably the funniest things we've ever said.

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:02] Oh, boy.

[21:02] You would have been laughing.

[21:04] So...

[21:05] But it was all lost to the ether.

[21:06] You'll never know why we suddenly started talking about whether Benjamin Franklin could vent

[21:11] a microchip.

[21:12] That was good stuff.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] Yeah.

[21:14] And so if we seem off our game for the rest of the episode, it's because of that.

Stuart Wellington

[21:18] Yeah.

[21:18] Let's blame it on that this time.

[21:20] So hit pause, drag this thing into your garbage bin, and listen to it.

[21:25] And you can go.

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] Into garbage.

Dan McCoy

[21:28] Do you have a weird echo?

[21:29] So...

[21:29] Climb inside your garbage can like Oscar.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] You can finally share this podcast with your friends Oscar the Grouch and the cast of Samuel

[21:38] Beckett's Happy Days.

[21:39] The thing about Oscar the Grouch is he doesn't ever have to wear pants because he never sees

Stuart Wellington

[21:44] his bottom half of his torso.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] So he keeps his pants...

[21:46] He doesn't wear a shirt either.

[21:47] I don't even know.

[21:47] I don't even know what to say about all the Muppets.

[21:49] They're just puppets from the waist up and nothing from the waist down.

Stuart Wellington

[21:52] That's great, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] Except for Big Bird, who doesn't wear pants anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] So you can buy two pairs of jeans, Max.

[21:58] And then they'll always have jeans that they can wear out after work.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] So you think the Muppets walk to work, then take their pants off.

[22:08] Yes.

[22:08] There's no body underneath.

[22:09] Two pairs of...

Dan McCoy

[22:09] And someone just sticks their hands up.

[22:11] By the way, two pairs of jeans, Max.

[22:13] That's the other TJ, Max.

[22:14] Which is a reference to something I think we lost.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] Yes.

[22:17] We were talking about Thomas Jane, Max.

[22:20] That led to Thomas Jefferson, Max.

[22:22] Talking about Thomas Jefferson playing the Punisher.

[22:24] Stuart said Ben Franklin would make a great microchip.

[22:27] I said the character, not an actual microchip.

[22:30] He couldn't invent that.

[22:31] And now I guess...

[22:32] I thought that was hilarious.

[22:32] And now I guess people understand the reference.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] Yeah, that was a close note.

[22:35] Flophouse goof for you.

[22:37] Yeah.

[22:38] Enjoy that bloop.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] Enjoy this peek behind the hood.

[22:41] Became a bloop.

[22:43] Oh, you're loving that.

[22:45] That's going crazy.

[22:47] That's like the worst variety headline.

[22:49] Goop becomes bloop.

[22:54] X-ray, X-ray.

[22:55] Goop becomes bloop.

[22:57] And by the way...

[22:57] You're fired, newsboy.

[22:59] Oh, my kids.

[23:01] You're a boy.

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] And by the way...

[23:05] I'm on my little bow-wow situation.

[23:08] What?

[23:09] I'm a super wealthy rapper.

[23:10] Where is all these babies?

[23:11] Who want me?

[23:13] Even though I'm a kid?

[23:15] Even though I'm a kid?

[23:16] Doesn't mean my balls don't work, Gramps?

[23:19] I mean, that is what being a kid means.

Dan McCoy

[23:21] Skates boards off.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Skates.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Skates.

[23:24] Skates.

[23:24] He's got...

[23:25] Oh, let me look at your skates board.

[23:27] So I should...

[23:28] William Sapphire for that proper pluralization.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] Skates boards.

Dan McCoy

[23:32] He's got one for each foot.

Elliott Kalan

[23:35] That's just roller skates.

[23:37] But they're plank style.

[23:40] Roller skates.

[23:41] Roller skis.

Stuart Wellington

[23:42] Okay.

[23:43] What the fuck are we talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] The thing is like...

[23:45] So somebody write an 80s CNA comedy called Roller Skis right now.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] I have to say though, before this bloop happened, we were being so professional.

[23:55] There was a moment where my new cat, Archie, jumped up on Elliot's lap.

[23:59] You would never have known.

[24:00] And Elliot just shoved it down.

[24:02] Did not stop talking.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] Without looking at it, he just cleared it away.

[24:06] I just shoved it into my lap like Joe Pesci with Sharon Stone's head in the casino.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] As with most cats, Archie is drawn to the most allergic person in the room.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] The warmest crotch in the room.

[24:17] He can hear you.

[24:18] He's totally shamed by it.

[24:19] No, no, he's doing fine.

[24:20] If one of us had to be the center...

[24:23] Warmest crotch in the room.

Dan McCoy

[24:25] That was the name of the documentary about it.

[24:27] Fastest gun in the West.

[24:28] Warmest crotch in the room.

Stuart Wellington

[24:32] So, we were talking about...

[24:35] So, we talked about the mystical opening.

[24:38] Smash.

[24:38] We talked about nothing in the movie before.

[24:40] That's rude.

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] We talked about how that magical...

[24:42] The video was in media res.

[24:43] That magical kid was kidnapped by Charles Dance and a bunch of super mutants.

[24:48] Cut to America.

[24:50] L.A. style.

[24:52] It's Los Angeles and you know it's America because we see a ton of American flags.

[24:55] And it plays itself.

[24:56] Jumping at the camera.

[24:57] L.A. is playing the shit out of itself.

[24:59] As we enter a montage that goes on for a couple minutes of just non-stop L.A. stuff.

[25:05] And every now and then, a little bit of the smirking face of Eddie Murphy.

[25:08] The star of the film.

[25:10] The titular.

[25:10] The hatted Eddie Murphy.

[25:12] And Stuart, could you describe a little bit Eddie Murphy's wardrobe?

Stuart Wellington

[25:16] Because it really affected you.

[25:17] Well, while Eddie Murphy's in America, he exclusively...

[25:22] He came to America.

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] He comes right to America.

[25:24] And he exclusively wears these sweatshirts with the hood cut off about halfway.

[25:29] So, the hood becomes like some kind of...

[25:31] It's like a Doctor Strange type collar.

[25:34] And over that sweatshirt...

[25:36] A Morvern collar.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] Over that sweatshirt, he needs...

[25:40] That's not a reference I expected anyone to make.

Dan McCoy

[25:46] I'm sorry.

[25:46] Do you have this shirt in a Morvern collar?

[25:48] No.

[25:52] I'm just staring blankly at Ben, not understanding the reference.

Stuart Wellington

[25:55] Looking slightly hurt.

Dan McCoy

[25:56] Keep going.

[25:57] Keep going.

[25:57] I want this shirt to sort of wander around with a lot of music playing.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] Anyway, go on.

[26:03] Wait until the Flophouse annotation page gets to it.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] So, on top of that sweatshirt, of course, he's wearing a mid-calf length leather jacket.

[26:11] Because he needs something to match his weird, his flat leather cap that he wears all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] Yeah, he's wearing like a leather version of like a Bell Boys cap.

Stuart Wellington

[26:19] Yeah, Google the Golden Child in the movie poster.

[26:21] Yeah.

[26:21] You'll see his fucking outfit.

Dan McCoy

[26:23] Just watch the fucking Golden Child and get out of that.

Stuart Wellington

[26:26] Oh, wow.

[26:26] That's a strange recommendation at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] On the poster, he is wearing the exact outfit that Stuart just described.

[26:32] I think, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:33] Accurately painted by John Alvin.

[26:35] Anytime we describe a movie, we should just say, you know, just look and watch it.

[26:38] That's what happens.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Get back to us.

[26:42] Blink a cigarette at the listener.

Stuart Wellington

[26:44] They explode.

Elliott Kalan

[26:47] Oh, no.

[26:48] They're covered in gasoline.

[26:50] Now, Eddie Murphy is a professional child finder.

[26:53] He has a job in this universe.

[26:55] In this universe, his job, exactly, is to find missing children.

[26:58] Who pays him?

[26:59] I'm not sure.

[27:00] Maybe he's independently wealthy.

Stuart Wellington

[27:01] Does he get paid by the heroine of the movie?

[27:05] The female lead.

[27:06] He gets paid in the form of love.

[27:07] He gets paid in the form of heroine.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] And he's looking for a missing girl.

[27:13] He goes on a local public access show.

[27:16] It doesn't go well.

[27:17] It doesn't go well.

[27:18] The host is very inexperienced and not very good at it.

[27:21] In a scene that, I have to admit, I found kind of funny.

[27:24] There's a couple scenes in this movie that I found genuinely funny.

[27:27] And Eddie Murphy trying to describe the missing girl that he's out to find while this guy keeps cutting him off.

[27:32] Because he doesn't care.

Stuart Wellington

[27:34] He wants to talk to the turtle lady.

[27:35] Yeah.

[27:36] Who is a lady with a turtle, not a lady who looks like a turtle.

[27:38] This is not a master of disguise or Fisher Stevens type scenario.

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] There's a couple scenes like that.

[27:46] It's, weirdly enough, the scenes where Eddie Murphy is the foil, I find funnier than the scenes where Eddie Murphy is making jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[27:54] In this movie.

[27:55] You mean the scenes that feel like they were just written to be a normal scene in the movie, and then all of a sudden they're like, just ad lib.

[28:00] A ton of shit.

[28:01] Here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] It's the difference between a movie where, like, Eddie Murphy, like, where Beverly Hills Cop, where Eddie Murphy is, like, sort of, like, deflating, like, a real thing, and a thing where, like, Eddie Murphy has to react to a crazy thing.

[28:19] And I feel like it's more fun in this movie to see, like, the crazy things happen around him.

[28:24] And, yeah, like, he's the foil to it, rather than he's, like, the cool guy who's, like, waltzing into this universe.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] Almost like how the Marx Brothers are better suited to go to an opera than to go to the circus, which is already, like, a goofy, silly thing that no one takes seriously.

[28:41] Except for the performers, who take it very seriously.

[28:43] Especially if it's Cirque du Soleil.

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] Thanks for the proper pronunciation.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] Circus without amusement.

[28:51] Circus sans fun.

[28:54] Hey, if you like seeing people hanging by their ankles from threads, go to Cirque du Soleil.

Dan McCoy

[28:58] Yeah.

[28:59] So, uh, he's...

[29:01] Again, not a paid sponsor bit.

[29:03] This child finder.

[29:04] What does Mr. Keen Tracer of Lost Persons do next?

[29:06] What happens?

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Next, he manages to get seen on television by a mysterious woman who is studying a Tibetan scroll in a hotel.

[29:15] Probably related to the opening of the movie.

[29:17] She tracks him down and tells him he is the chosen one, prophesied to find the golden child.

[29:24] Who is prophesied to bring enlightenment to the world if he doesn't get killed first for his trouble.

[29:29] Because the golden child is...

Stuart Wellington

[29:31] Who would want to kill a golden child?

[29:33] An evil man.

[29:35] Okay.

[29:36] An evil man.

[29:37] Is that a reference to the movie?

[29:38] Who would kill a child?

[29:41] Probably not, Dan.

[29:42] My references are pretty much limited to comic books and naked horror movies.

Dan McCoy

[29:47] That's horror movies with naked people.

[29:49] Oh, okay.

[29:51] Not like horror movies without additives.

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] Yeah, not all organic.

[29:59] No, Sardo Numspa, the villain of the beast, who was named by somebody who was put on the spot when the studio executive asked him,

[30:07] Yeah, but what's the name of the villain in this movie?

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Sardo Numspa.

[30:12] They caught George Lucas while he was parking.

[30:16] George, George!

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] What's the name of a guy?

[30:19] George Lucas...

[30:19] What's the name of a guy?

[30:21] George Lucas was making a list entitled,

[30:24] Alien Names So Bad Even I Would Use Them.

[30:26] And he threw it in a garbage can.

[30:28] And they found it.

[30:29] They're like, oh, we either call him Sardo Numspa or Butt Brogue Dumb Fart.

[30:34] Let's go with Sardo Numspa.

Dan McCoy

[30:38] Butt Brogue Dumb Fart.

[30:39] So they're like, oh, the second one's a little too mad magazine for us.

Elliott Kalan

[30:43] A little obvious that you're not supposed to like him.

[30:46] Let's go with Sardo Numspa.

[30:48] So the audience isn't sure.

[30:51] They have to decide for themselves whether to like or not the evil guy who kidnaps a child and is a demon.

[30:57] Like, I don't get it.

[30:59] Is Dumb Fart a family name?

[31:01] Clearly.

[31:03] Yeah.

[31:04] They changed it afterwards at Ellis Island to make it sound less farty.

[31:08] I'm sure.

[31:10] Now, I was about to call him Dumb Fart.

[31:13] Now, Trimspa, Numspa, is holding the kid hostage with his own evil monks in a warehouse somewhere.

[31:21] Eddie Murphy is approached by this woman.

[31:23] She says, you're the chosen one.

[31:24] He's like, you're crazy.

[31:26] This conversation happens three or four more times where Eddie Murphy is confronted with an ever greater amount of proof that this thing exists or that magic is happening.

[31:35] He sees the golden child astral project to him along with a magic parent.

[31:41] He talks to a mysterious prophesying snake woman in the basement of a Chinatown, I don't know, massage shop, some kind of place.

[31:51] It's like a traditional medicine place that James Hong is running.

[31:55] And each time he's like, you're crazy.

[31:58] That's crazy.

[31:59] This is crazy.

[32:01] Until...

Dan McCoy

[32:01] Yeah, it's the Scully problem from X-Files, which is like, at what point do you just accept that crazy stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[32:06] Yeah, do you gotta take a shower in fucking black oil?

[32:10] How many times do you have to be kidnapped and impregnated by an alien?

[32:12] Yeah, come on, Dana.

Dan McCoy

[32:14] Yeah.

[32:14] Get with the program.

[32:15] Fight the future, Dana.

[32:18] Dana, what do I have to do to get you to fight the future?

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] Come on, Dana.

[32:21] There is no Dana.

[32:22] There's only Zulu.

[32:23] Yeah.

[32:24] Yeah, man.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] Think you got your Dana's mixed up.

[32:27] Yeah, man.

[32:31] Dang it.

[32:33] Yeah, out of sight.

[32:35] So, they team up anyway, and they track down a motorcycle gang called the Yellow Dragon Gang,

[32:41] which lives in the bad part of town.

[32:42] They're not so bad they don't get TV receptions that they can watch rat music videos.

[32:47] They're not as dangerous as the Apple Dumpling Gang.

Stuart Wellington

[32:52] So, they all hang out in one house where one guy has a motorcycle, and they're all watching TV.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] I was impressed by Stuart that I said, oh, what's this heavy metal band?

[32:59] And he goes, probably rat.

[33:00] And they looked it up.

[33:01] Using the lyrics from the movie, it was rat.

[33:03] Totally rat.

[33:05] Yeah, it's the trademark.

[33:06] It's totally a rat singer.

[33:08] Now, Eddie Murphy says, lady, you stay in the car.

[33:12] Already, he's tried to hit on her, and she's denied him.

[33:15] You stay in the car.

[33:16] I'm going to go deal with these guys and find out what they did with the girl that I was looking for who's turned up dead.

[33:21] Yeah, he's like, this is my job.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] I don't want, you know, you're not really covered under my insurance plan.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] He first sneaks into the backyard of a family having a barbecue, confronts them with a gun, and steals one of their potato chips, and then leaves.

[33:36] You made that scene sound like it didn't take way too long.

Stuart Wellington

[33:40] It goes on for much too long.

Dan McCoy

[33:42] You also made that scene seem like it was like a really aggressive, like, hold up.

[33:46] Give me all your potato chips.

[33:47] Whereas it was just a gag that went wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[33:49] No, a stranger showing up with a gun is never aggressive.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] From the family's point of view, they were in danger.

[33:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:55] There's children there, dude.

[33:57] They don't know he's a child finder.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] He's like, found two more, gotta go.

[34:02] Look, if this movie was taking place, it was a little count.

[34:05] Is he just shooting, though, what he said?

[34:07] No.

Dan McCoy

[34:09] That's just what he says when he puts them up on his big board.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] Does he have, like, a torture dungeon?

[34:14] Top board.

[34:15] With some kids on a big board?

[34:18] Yeah, he's got a t-shirt cannon.

[34:22] He's packed full of small-sized kids' shirts.

[34:24] Yep.

[34:24] He goes in, gets beaten up and tied up.

[34:28] That's when his lady friend walks in.

[34:30] Her name is, what was her name?

Dan McCoy

[34:33] I don't know, Mystic McCrull.

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] Okay, Mystic McCrull.

[34:36] Her name is Keenang.

[34:38] So Keenang walks in, one at a time, just beats up all these bikers.

Stuart Wellington

[34:42] Annihilates them.

[34:43] Like, Scott Thompson, the biker, shows up to fighter.

[34:46] He's done so.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] One of the bikers is totally old, drunk Scott Thompson.

[34:49] He gets his ass handed to him.

[34:51] And it's only after that that she kicks a guy through a wall, which bursts a pipe, which

[34:56] sprays her with water so she has a wet t-shirt now.

Stuart Wellington

[34:58] In maybe the most 80s moment I've ever seen in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] The only way it could have been more 80s is if, I don't know, like...

Dan McCoy

[35:06] Schwarzenegger burst through the wall and deployed a one-liner.

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] Or like Ronald Reagan literally walked into the movie and said, I'm president right now, and

[35:13] then walked out again.

[35:14] Well, I approve of this shirt.

Dan McCoy

[35:17] She defeated him by throwing Rubik's cubes at him.

[35:20] No.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] And then Ted teamed up with a Teddy Ruxpin.

[35:23] That's her partner.

Dan McCoy

[35:24] Yeah, strangled him with a leg warmer.

Stuart Wellington

[35:27] While the bangles walk.

[35:27] By the way, that is all of my sexual fantasies right there, Dan.

[35:31] Strangling with a leg warmer.

[35:34] So, all these really tough bikers get dismantled.

[35:40] She lets Eddie Murphy loose, and he goes fucking crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] He finds out from one of the bikers that the girl he was looking for was sold by them

[35:49] to an evil Chinese restaurant owner for blood that was going to be used to feed to the

[35:54] golden child to make him impure and thus vulnerable to human weapons.

[35:59] That explains why that porridge had blood in it.

[36:02] Yeah, because they're trying to feed it to him.

[36:04] And we all know golden children...

[36:05] Not because it's just delicious.

[36:06] Golden children love porridge.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] It's like hiding broccoli in something.

[36:11] They're just like, oh, let's put this blood into porridge.

Elliott Kalan

[36:13] It's like you're trying to teach someone to be a vampire, I guess.

[36:16] Yeah.

[36:17] They love porridge.

[36:18] They don't want to try the blood.

[36:19] Just slip it into their porridge.

Stuart Wellington

[36:20] So, Ellie, you have children.

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] Yes, I have a child.

[36:23] I don't have children.

[36:23] So how do you feed Sammy blood?

[36:25] Yeah, how do you get him to eat blood?

[36:26] I mean, you've got to hide it.

[36:27] That's the thing.

[36:28] Just like they do in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:29] Because you want him to be able to be harmed by things of this earth.

[36:32] Right now, I have a golden child.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] Uh-huh.

[36:35] That is expensive.

[36:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:36] A regular child...

Dan McCoy

[36:37] You want a computer child at best.

Stuart Wellington

[36:39] Here's the thing.

[36:39] All of his Pepsi cans get turned into little dancing men.

[36:42] He can't turn those in for change.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Now, Stuart just described the best scene in the movie, which the movie briefly becomes

[36:48] Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

[36:50] And in order to win over the biker of the apocalypse, who is a henchman who is very interested in

[36:57] the golden child.

[36:58] The golden child's trying to...

[36:58] Yeah, he's a magical kid.

[37:01] I guess why wouldn't you be interested in him?

[37:03] He turns a Pepsi can...

[37:03] He's inherently interesting.

[37:04] He turns a Pepsi can into an animated man and has it dance around to putting on the Ritz until

[37:10] Charles Dance smushes it.

[37:13] Oh.

[37:13] Because there's only one dance in this film.

[37:19] How dare you, young man?

[37:22] So, and he finds out that he talks to his overlord, who is the devil, voiced by Frank Welker,

[37:30] which means the devil sounds like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.

[37:33] It sounds exactly like Dr. Claw.

[37:35] And Dr. Claw tells him, you have to get this magic dagger that can kill the kid.

Stuart Wellington

[37:41] Yeah, stop trying to feed this kid blood.

[37:42] That's fucking crazy.

[37:43] He's like...

[37:44] Get this magic dagger.

[37:45] It's super easy.

[37:45] He's like, that's gross.

[37:47] What are you doing?

[37:48] You're a weirdo.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] So he says, find this dagger, tell the good guys you'll trade the kid for the dagger.

[37:54] Then when you have the dagger, stab the kid.

[37:56] Which means these characters don't really understand how trades work.

[37:59] That, like, you both give up something.

[38:01] But what are you going to do?

[38:02] At the same time, he gets in touch with Eddie Murphy through his dream.

[38:06] Eddie Murphy has a weird dream that has a studio audience and where Eddie Murphy is confronted

[38:11] by the bad guy and his henchmen who are dressed again.

[38:14] Crazy.

[38:14] I think it's an okay scene.

Dan McCoy

[38:15] I think it's kind of fun.

[38:16] It's kind of goofy.

[38:17] Was Charles Dance trying to make him a deal?

[38:20] I can't even remember.

[38:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:21] It's like...

[38:22] He explains what he wants and what he wants out of the old, like, trade.

[38:26] And then it also plays up Eddie Murphy's character's fantasies for the female.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] Yeah, there's basically two things I remember about that dream sequence.

[38:35] They're being an applause sign whenever, like, Eddie Murphy makes a lame witticism and everyone

[38:40] laughs.

[38:41] And then the love interest shows up in a dress made out of toilet paper.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] No, she's tied up with toilet paper.

[38:46] She's wearing, like, a leather corset bustier.

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] And Charles...

[38:49] But she's not trash.

[38:50] Why is she covered in toilet paper?

[38:52] Yeah, I don't know.

[38:52] It's a weird...

[38:53] Do you wrap up your trash with toilet paper?

[38:55] It's a weird trash with Eddie Murphy's psyche.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] It was like Charles Dance just showed up in Eddie Murphy's subconscious and was like,

[39:00] I guess this is what I have to work with.

[39:02] This is weird.

[39:04] I'm not really into this.

[39:05] And they slash open Eddie Murphy's arm.

[39:08] Well, he's pretty calm about it.

[39:10] And they...

[39:11] And then he wakes up and his arm is slashed and goes, ah, that was real.

[39:15] Because the whole time he's like, this is just a dream.

[39:17] This is just a dream.

[39:17] I've seen a bunch of magic shit, but I don't believe in magic still.

[39:20] If they asked me, do you believe in magic?

[39:22] Well, I hope you do.

[39:23] I'd say, stop hoping.

[39:24] Because I don't believe in magic, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[39:26] You know, when it comes to dreams, he seems pretty calm to be having a really in-depth conversation in his dream.

[39:33] I feel like if I had that complex of an interaction in a dream, I would pretty much assume it's not a dream at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[39:40] I can have pretty complicated dreams.

Stuart Wellington

[39:42] Okay, so you have conversations that you can recall all the details of if you were to make a deal with somebody in your dream before they'd burn your arm.

[39:49] There's got to be some law that says I cannot be held liable for a deal I make in a dream.

[39:53] Yeah, you would think, right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] But he made a deal.

[39:56] Take me to sleep court.

[39:58] And the next stop is Nepal.

[40:00] Got to go to Tibet to get this magic dagger.

[40:03] And let me tell you, Nepal is not authentically recreated on set.

Stuart Wellington

[40:08] So there's a really great shot of the plane flying.

[40:11] And the plane seems kind of in the, like, it seems, it's way in the top of the shot.

[40:16] It's just a really interestingly framed.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] It's almost like they stumbled on a shot of a mountain that accidentally got some plane in it.

[40:22] Now, the plane is also full of smoke from people smoking cigarettes.

[40:25] People eating weird clothes.

[40:27] Yeah, and hacking up loogies because it's a foreign country.

[40:30] They're not going to fly.

[40:31] Why are people eating weird clothes?

[40:33] Oh, did I say weird clothes?

[40:35] And not weird food.

[40:36] But the center of the joke is...

[40:37] They're wearing weird clothes.

[40:39] They're not American clothes.

[40:40] Like a classic hooded sweatshirt with the hood cut off a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[40:43] No other hat.

[40:45] Every airplane scene, the focus of the joke is that Eddie Murphy puts in headphones...

[40:51] Weird stethoscope headphones.

[40:52] And he listens to music and reacts to it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] It's just the headphones that were available in planes in the 80s.

[40:56] Were they?

[40:57] Did they look like stethoscopes?

[40:58] I gotta believe it.

[40:59] You remember those old airplane headphones that had, like, rubber projections that you had to stick into your ear?

[41:03] I didn't.

[41:04] Like, I'm...

[41:05] Were you not a jet-setting kid like me?

[41:07] I was not a jet-setting kid.

[41:08] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[41:09] How is that part of the Burger King Jet-set Kids Club?

Stuart Wellington

[41:14] Burger King Jet-set Kids Club?

[41:16] Okay, well, what was the point?

[41:18] So you could fly places to meet the Burger King?

[41:21] Fly to his fucking kingdom?

[41:23] Adventures.

[41:24] Like, wheels would have...

[41:25] We would go fly places.

[41:26] So are you, like, a team of, like, jet-setting kids?

[41:30] Like, Captain Planet's team?

[41:32] Yeah, we saw burger-related mysteries.

[41:34] Like, what kind of meat is this?

[41:36] Yeah, like, did you combine your rings...

[41:37] Where do these sesame seeds come from?

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] Where do they come from?

[41:42] My analysis tells us some kind of sesame seeds supplying company.

[41:46] Thanks a lot, Brainiac.

[41:49] Now it's time for me, the leader of the group, because I'm blonde, to figure out how to get out of here.

[41:54] Hey, I'm the one black kid who's part of the gang.

[41:56] What should I do?

[41:57] Just stand there and make it okay for us to have all the other kids be white.

[42:01] I'm the girl.

Stuart Wellington

[42:02] Yeah, Grace.

[42:02] I'm gonna nag at you.

[42:04] That's my job.

[42:08] Your sex is barking.

Dan McCoy

[42:09] Burger King Kids Club.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] I mean, what is that?

[42:13] Check out Burger King Kids Club.

[42:14] Check out Burger Burger Privilege.

[42:17] You've had it your way right away for too long.

Stuart Wellington

[42:22] People make apologies for Burger King.

[42:25] They say, I order fries every once in a while, and they sneak an onion ring in there.

[42:28] That makes it worth it for Burger King to be super racist and sexist in their cartoon.

[42:32] That's how they get away with it.

[42:35] They used to be their logo.

[42:38] Burger King.

[42:39] They get away with it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:41] We get away with it.

[42:42] Here, have this.

[42:43] Don't tell anybody.

[42:44] Now, I don't know why we're spending all this time when we're forgetting that Victor Wong is in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[42:48] Victor Wong and what's the name of the actor who played Egg Shen in Big Trouble in Long China?

[42:52] That's Victor Wong.

[42:53] No, Victor Wong was...

[42:56] Victor Wong is the other guy.

[43:00] He was Lopin.

[43:01] Lopin, yeah.

[43:03] You're thinking of James Hong.

[43:04] Oh, my God.

[43:05] Damn it.

[43:07] Racism alert.

[43:08] Look, hey.

[43:08] Kill me now.

[43:09] Racism alert.

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] I'm going to cut you some slack in that at this point in American movie history, there were only two Chinese men in movies.

[43:16] And their names rhymed, and they were in all the same movies.

[43:20] So James Hong was in a ton more movies, I have to believe.

[43:23] James Hong was in it.

[43:24] I mean, his career lasted for 50, 60 years, I feel like.

[43:29] Anyway, I'm a big fan of his.

[43:30] And not just because he's in Tango and Cash.

Stuart Wellington

[43:32] And they're both great.

[43:33] Yeah, they're both...

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] They're both equally great and equally Chinese.

[43:37] Is that what you're saying, Stuart?

[43:38] No, I didn't say that at all.

Dan McCoy

[43:40] No, but they are both super great.

[43:42] They're like great character actors.

[43:44] They're both super enjoyable.

[43:46] They are.

[43:47] Let's even remove character.

[43:48] They're great actors.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] And Victor Wong suddenly brings a lot of life to this, playing a kind of like shambling,

[43:54] kind of...

[43:56] One of those shambling hermits who is very like, a little gross and a little like, not what

[44:04] you'd expect an enlightened hermit to be.

[44:06] Basically, every scene he's in becomes way more interesting.

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:10] He's kind of like the non-puppet version of when you first meet Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.

[44:14] That's what I was going to say.

Dan McCoy

[44:15] Yeah.

[44:15] No, he pulls the Yoda, which is in turn stolen from like Asian kung fu movies where the master

[44:25] is like playing a secret fool or something.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Doing a lot of like, hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

[44:29] Yeah.

[44:29] And now you shall learn.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] But yeah, no.

[44:32] Like when he shows up, he's the beggar guy who fucks over Eddie Murphy.

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] He sells Eddie Murphy a necklace and steals $100 from Eddie Murphy and then disappears.

Stuart Wellington

[44:42] He sells him the wrong necklace.

[44:45] Or is it the right necklace?

[44:46] You'll never know.

[44:47] And then he turns into a bird or something.

Dan McCoy

[44:49] Sometimes the necklace you want isn't the necklace you need.

[44:53] Zales.

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] That's what Zales tells people when they are sold the wrong necklace by accident.

[44:59] Yeah.

[44:59] This isn't what you advertise.

Dan McCoy

[45:01] They have a mysterious Chinese man come out and be like,

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] Dan Ailes training for the Zales returns desk.

[45:08] Here, if someone tries to return a necklace, just tell them it's the necklace they need and

[45:12] not the necklace they want.

[45:13] Play this mystical sound effect.

[45:15] And then disappear.

[45:17] You can do that, right?

[45:17] Just leaving your clothes behind?

[45:20] Just duck onto the counter.

[45:22] How quickly can you get undressed?

[45:24] Here's my tip.

[45:25] This is the length that takes this smoke bomb to disperse.

[45:27] Here's my tip.

[45:29] Sew all your clothes together and then put a zipper up the back.

[45:32] Or even better, Velcro.

[45:33] So it's just one thing that you can rip off instantly and run away.

[45:37] The smoke will fill their ears so they can't hear the ripping of the Velcro.

Stuart Wellington

[45:41] See, I started on this desk and now I'm CEO of the company.

[45:45] Jonathan Zales is my name.

[45:46] I changed it legally.

[45:47] When I got the job.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] It was part of the contract.

[45:50] I had to do it.

[45:54] I also had to become gay.

[45:55] I don't know why.

[45:56] Anyway, it pays well, so whatever.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] See you later, smoke bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] And then he just leaves Velcro clothes behind.

[46:05] He really was the CEO of Zales the whole time.

[46:09] Not just a crazy beggar male on the side of the road.

[46:13] Wipe out.

[46:14] Wipe out.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] Wipe out.

[46:15] So Eddie Murphy goes to a temple.

[46:17] He has to get this dagger by going through a fairly lame trial of courage in which he walks across a pit on planks and then magically drinks some water which puts out some fire.

[46:29] It's all complicated.

Stuart Wellington

[46:31] It's a pretty lame scene with not very many effects.

[46:34] And it felt like they were relying pretty heavily on Eddie Murphy to kind of sell it.

[46:38] Just kind of ad lib his way through it.

[46:40] And he does sell part of it.

[46:41] I mean, you just glossed over the fact that the scene of the movie, like the thing that at least I remember as a child, and I think most people remember, is the scene where Eddie Murphy takes the spinning pillar and he says,

[46:55] Ah, ah, ah, ah, want the knife?

[46:57] For some reason.

[46:59] Which, as a child, was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[47:02] For some reason, when you're talking to these monks, you've got to spin a pillar and kind of chant what you're saying to them.

[47:09] And he does it in his own inimitable fashion.

Stuart Wellington

[47:12] And my, as a child, my pupils widened and I saw a future of hilarious things lying before me that I could laugh at.

[47:20] And you said, I can't wait until Daddy Daycare comes out.

Elliott Kalan

[47:24] But this is followed by, and I want to cut you off, but I don't want to forget, this is followed by a genuinely good scene, I would say.

[47:32] Where Eddie Murphy talks a little bit to the monk, that part's not so great, but then we find out that the girl, the only woman in the movie, basically, except for snake lady prophecy, who hides behind a curtain.

[47:43] Who's great, because her body's made out of a snake.

[47:44] We find out later her body is made out of a cobra snake that's enormous.

[47:47] Which is awesome.

[47:48] And Eddie Murphy sees this and shrugs it off.

[47:50] Oh, yeah.

[47:51] Is not impressed by this cobra woman.

[47:53] But we find out she is the daughter of this monk.

[47:56] And they have, like, a genuinely touching conversation about the faults that Eddie Murphy's character has, which are also the flip side of his strengths as a person.

[48:05] Yeah.

[48:05] And how she has fallen for him and the monk approves of that.

[48:11] And that the two of that, it's like a very sweet moment between these two people who are, it feels like for, like, one scene they're acting in a totally different, much more graceful, subtle movie than we've been watching.

Stuart Wellington

[48:21] I mean, it's undercut a little bit by the fact that Victor Wong is wearing a hat that looks like a Smurf hat.

[48:28] Yeah, it's a red Smurf hat.

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] Yeah.

[48:29] He stole it from Bob a Smurf and enlarged it.

[48:34] With a match.

Dan McCoy

[48:37] All I was going to say about the test, it's like Eddie Murphy's, like, walking across posts, and it's meant to evoke...

[48:43] Is it Enter the Dragon that has, like, the fight on top of, like, the posts, or...

[48:47] I don't remember.

[48:48] They all kind of blur in my head, to be honest.

[48:50] Or it might even be multiple movies.

[48:52] But I feel like that was a scene that, you know, for its fault, was trying to pay homage to these kung fu films.

[49:00] In much the same way that, at the same time, Big Trouble in Little China was paying homage to these movies in a more successful way.

[49:10] But, like, both of them, like, clearly love...

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] There's some kind of grounding in it.

[49:14] Yeah.

[49:15] And now, I remember just now, did we ever talk about the soundtrack for this movie?

[49:19] Is that in the stuff that got lost?

[49:20] The stuff that got deleted.

[49:21] The soundtrack...

[49:22] It's great.

[49:23] It's awesome.

[49:24] It is the most 80s soundtrack.

[49:26] Super 80s.

[49:27] It's like...

Stuart Wellington

[49:27] As the movie opened in Tibet present day, the soundtrack kicks in, and we're like, immediately you can see the three of our faces brightened.

Dan McCoy

[49:36] Yeah.

[49:37] They might as well have panned over to John Carpenter in the corner playing a synthesizer.

Elliott Kalan

[49:42] It's like a great, yeah, synth and drums and, I guess, some guitar score.

Stuart Wellington

[49:46] It felt a little bit...

[49:47] Yeah, like you said.

[49:48] Like, John Carpenter is playing the score for Romancing the Stone.

Elliott Kalan

[49:55] So, that's...

[49:56] And it was around that time that I started to think, there are certain things I like in this movie.

[50:01] This is not a good movie, but there's certain things I like, maybe more because it's like a big ball of 80s soundtrack and 80s special effects and, like, 80s nonsense.

Dan McCoy

[50:11] A lot of what's charming in this movie, I don't know, would be charming to anyone who did not grow up watching the movies that we grew up watching.

[50:18] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[50:19] In the same way that I was...

[50:20] And keep in mind, like, I think we mentioned, but I watched this movie many, many times growing up.

[50:25] Yeah.

[50:26] And...

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] It kind of was your, in a way, the parent you never had.

Stuart Wellington

[50:31] Yeah.

[50:31] This, I was married to Ski Patrol.

[50:35] And they raised me to the child that I am today.

Elliott Kalan

[50:38] Amazing.

[50:38] Now, they go back to America after a hilarious scene in which Eddie Murphy outwits the customs inspectors in Nepal by talking really loudly and pretending he's a government agent.

[50:50] There is some fun.

[50:50] In the most Beverly Hills Cop scene.

Dan McCoy

[50:51] Yeah, no, yeah, it was totally Beverly Hills Cop.

[50:54] And, you know, for as stupid as it was, it was probably the funniest scene in the movie.

[50:58] Beverly...

Dan McCoy

[50:58] Beverly...

[50:59] Beverly Himalayas Cop.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] Oh.

[51:01] No, I agree, it was the funniest scene in the movie.

[51:03] Himalayas are like hills, but they're bigger.

[51:05] The hills have eyes.

[51:06] Maybe.

[51:07] They're so tall, who can see up there?

[51:08] They're mountains.

[51:09] Oh.

[51:10] They go back, and even though she is wearing...

[51:15] There's...

[51:16] For a while, Eddie Murphy just hangs around a house with his new girlfriend, I guess, Key, who is just wearing a man's shirt with underpants.

[51:24] Yeah, a boyfriend shirt.

[51:25] Yeah.

[51:26] And they have this dagger.

[51:29] Now, would you describe her as a Mary Sue type character?

[51:33] No, I don't think so.

[51:34] I feel like for a Mary Sue character, you have to be inserting it into a pre-existing narrative to a certain extent.

[51:40] Oh, okay.

[51:41] Where it's like, the X-Men are pretty cool, but this character I invented is going to turn out to be the coolest of them all.

[51:46] Yeah.

[51:47] Jubilee.

[51:48] Jubilee's awesome.

[51:49] Let's not go crazy.

[51:50] And I feel like...

[51:51] More of like a Phantom X.

Dan McCoy

[51:52] One thing that's misunderstood, like, internet people, like, there's been a lot of bullshit Mary Sue talk surrounding the new Star Wars movie.

[52:00] Don't talk about Star Wars, yeah.

[52:02] I'll get too worked up.

[52:03] Okay.

[52:04] But, like, the classic definition of a Mary Sue is also, like, an author surrogate being, like, inserted into the movie where everyone, like, talks about...

[52:14] All the established characters talk about how cool this author surrogate is.

[52:17] Yeah.

[52:18] Yeah.

[52:19] And, uh...

[52:19] That makes sense.

[52:20] So I don't think it applies in a lot of ways.

[52:22] I don't think this applies.

Stuart Wellington

[52:23] Like, she feels more like if Big Trouble in Old China, the Wayne character, was female.

[52:29] Like, she's so much more confident than Eddie Murphy's character.

[52:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] No, the joke is just that, yeah, the sidekick is the more confident one.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] Yes.

[52:38] Now, uh, but she's not the chosen one.

[52:40] Sorry, prophecy says it has to be Eddie who does it.

[52:43] Now, I forgot to mention that they arrive back on American soil and Numb...

[52:47] No, Numb Spa, yeah.

[52:49] Numb Spa is waiting for them with the cops.

[52:52] He's gonna tell them that they stole the dagger from him.

[52:55] And Eddie Murphy says...

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] There is no way the police would give a fucking shit at this point.

[53:00] Not at all.

[53:01] Like, some fucking dude shows up.

[53:02] He isn't even putting his arms through the sleeves of his fucking jacket.

[53:06] And he's like, guys, some people are coming into the nation...

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] Into our nation.

[53:11] Into our nation.

Stuart Wellington

[53:13] And they're like, you're English Charles Dance.

[53:15] They're carrying a dagger that's mine.

[53:17] You need to give it back.

[53:18] They're like, tell to Judge Judy.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] Now, uh, so, and beyond the fact that he's a magical wizard demon...

Stuart Wellington

[53:26] I mean, they're probably more interested in the fact that he's giving them information that some people are coming into the country with a fucking dagger.

[53:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:32] No, this was the 80s.

[53:33] You could come in with anyone you wanted.

[53:35] Yeah.

[53:35] This was back when you could say goodbye to people at the gate.

[53:38] Oh, yeah.

[53:39] Remember?

Dan McCoy

[53:40] It's weird.

[53:40] Yeah, it's weird that my lifespan has encompassed that.

Elliott Kalan

[53:45] It's so much weirder that your lifespan encompassed the internet becoming a regular thing.

[53:49] Yeah, no, that's true.

Dan McCoy

[53:50] It's weird that, yeah, my lifespan encompassed...

[53:52] Thanks, Melody Gibson.

[53:54] ...like, the end of rotary phones.

Elliott Kalan

[53:57] In some ways, it's even weirder that your lifespan encompassed the entirety of Vern Troyer's career.

[54:03] Just from beginning to end.

[54:05] I didn't think you were going to make it.

[54:06] Come on, he's going to have a comeback.

[54:08] Don't call it a comeback.

[54:09] Because it's not happening.

[54:11] So, why this evil wizard demon needs four LAPD cops to help him out with this, it's not sure.

[54:17] But Eddie Murphy says to him...

[54:18] He can fucking morph into a rat.

Stuart Wellington

[54:20] And kill another rat.

[54:21] And then kill a dude that's swinging two swords like Cabal from Mortal Kombat, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[54:26] That happened earlier in the movie.

[54:27] But those are the exact swords.

[54:29] He can do that.

[54:30] He can enter your dreams.

[54:32] He can teleport.

[54:33] Why does he need these four cops?

[54:35] Are they from the Rampart Division and they're super tough?

[54:37] I don't understand.

[54:38] Yep.

[54:39] They're cops, the cartoon show.

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] Is Misdemeanor on the loose?

[54:44] Who's the chief guy?

[54:46] Is it Bulletproof or some shit?

[54:48] Cop Man.

[54:49] Bulletproof.

[54:50] It's Fireproof.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] Did you ever watch that fucking cartoon?

[54:54] Cops is one of many cartoons as I watched as a kid.

[54:56] Cops is an acronym that I do not know what it stands for.

[54:59] It stands for Cool.

[55:01] Yeah, it was a cartoon.

[55:02] Yeah, you remember that one?

[55:03] It was like in the future.

[55:04] There's like one guy who's like...

Dan McCoy

[55:06] The only acronym for cartoon armor is mask.

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] Okay, yeah.

[55:09] That stood for May All...

[55:12] Shorts.

[55:13] Sarlaccs.

[55:14] May All Sarlaccs kill Bulletproof.

[55:17] And cops stood for Cookies Ordered.

[55:24] Please, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[55:26] So Cookies Ordered, please, sir.

[55:29] But there was like one of these cops who was like a futuristic cowboy character.

[55:36] There was no Robertsons.

Elliott Kalan

[55:38] This was not a Michael Ritchie movie.

[55:42] Yeah, it was super goofy.

[55:43] He was a futuristic cowboy.

[55:44] It was...

[55:45] There were so many cartoon shows I watched as a kid.

[55:47] Mask, Cops, Silverhawks that I have no...

[55:50] Like Lone Star.

[55:51] I totally remember Silverhawks.

[55:53] I remember the theme song because it's great.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] Silverhawks.

[55:57] But I don't remember any of the episodes.

[55:58] I definitely had a pair of like little underpants.

[56:02] Like little baby boy underpants.

[56:03] I had Silverhawks on it.

[56:04] You told me you don't have little underpants right now.

[56:06] I mean, not ones with Silverhawks on them because they don't fucking make them anymore,

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] dude.

[56:10] No, they don't.

[56:10] But like Thundercats...

[56:11] There's gotta be a website.

[56:13] I watched every episode of Thundercats.

[56:14] I could not tell you the plot of one episode.

Stuart Wellington

[56:17] What about when Lionel went for like to the place of testing to determine that

[56:21] he is like the leader of the Thundercats?

[56:23] I don't know what that is.

[56:24] I have no idea.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] Was there one where they all became kids?

[56:27] Probably.

[56:28] Anyway.

[56:28] And there's one where it was probably Christmas on Lionel Planet or something.

[56:32] Cocoon.

[56:33] I'm thinking of Cocoon.

[56:34] When Wilford Brimley fought Mumra.

[56:37] Speaking of Mumra, do you remember back in school that one guy, Scott...

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Hold on.

[56:42] Speaking of Mumra.

Stuart Wellington

[56:44] This guy, Scott, wrote an article.

[56:47] Scott Limber wrote an article for the school paper from the perspective of...

[56:51] of Mumra complaining about these like...

[56:55] These like...

[56:56] These Thundercats coming to his home planet and like tearing it up and killing all his

[57:00] mutes and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] I like that you said remember when and then talked about something that happened, what,

[57:04] at your school?

[57:05] Yeah, I was talking to Dan.

[57:07] I wasn't talking to you, dude.

[57:08] Oh, oh.

[57:09] It was an Earlham thing.

Stuart Wellington

[57:10] Yeah, it was a parody of the Millions for Mumia movement.

[57:14] It was Millions for Mumra.

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] Oh, well.

[57:18] Brilliant satire.

[57:19] Anyway, so Eddie Murphy explains to Charles Dance, if they arrest me, then the dagger's

[57:24] going to go into evidence lockup.

[57:28] I'm going to be in jail.

[57:29] It's going to be an evidence lockup.

[57:30] You're never going to get that dagger.

[57:32] It might take months or years to get to trial.

[57:33] That's crazy.

[57:34] He's magic.

[57:35] He could turn into a rat.

[57:36] He could just take the dagger from him right then.

[57:39] I don't know what...

[57:40] It's like...

[57:40] And he's like, ooh.

[57:42] The police have foiled me.

[57:43] You've got me.

[57:44] Even though I have all the powers of hell at my command, I can't stop this chain of possession

[57:50] for evidence law.

[57:52] Now, anyway.

[57:53] That's besides the point.

[57:54] We get to the point where Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend in her boyfriend's shirt are

[57:59] hanging out.

[58:00] They're attacked by the bad guys.

[58:01] They have like a fight or something, right?

[58:04] No, they're just kind of tense with each other.

[58:06] Yeah, because she starts crying though, dude.

[58:08] Yeah.

[58:08] I mean, ladies do that.

[58:09] But they...

[58:10] It was crazy.

[58:10] Okay.

[58:11] That seems true.

[58:11] Amazing.

[58:13] That's true.

[58:14] Ladies don't do that.

[58:15] Guys do it when they're watching the Iron Giant.

[58:17] Now, the bad guys show up.

[58:20] There is a fight in which, once again, Eddie Murphy is not that effective.

Stuart Wellington

[58:24] And his girlfriend is just flipping...

[58:24] But this is when the movie starts fucking getting great.

[58:27] She's doing flips all over the place.

[58:28] Anytime he's like wacky shit and she's flipping and going nuts.

[58:31] Like there's...

[58:32] Swaggy raisins.

[58:33] Anytime there's a fight.

[58:35] His girlfriend...

[58:36] What's her name?

[58:37] Key?

[58:37] Key.

[58:38] Key.

[58:38] Anytime...

[58:38] I want to call her his girlfriend.

[58:40] When Key shows up...

[58:41] Because I want her to be my girlfriend.

[58:43] When Key shows up to a fight, she's like, there's about 10 feet of space between me and

[58:47] the bad guy.

[58:48] I can flip that distance.

[58:49] I'm just doing flips.

Elliott Kalan

[58:52] I could jump, walk, run.

[58:53] I'm going to flip.

[58:54] Mm-hmm.

[58:55] So...

[58:55] They fight and unfortunately, she gives herself...

[58:59] Sacrifices her life and takes a...

[59:01] Crossbow bolt.

Stuart Wellington

[59:02] It's such a great shot, dude, where Charles Dance, you know, not using those sleeves of

[59:07] his jacket.

[59:07] He lazily...

[59:08] He works at dance.

[59:10] He lazily picks up a crossbow.

[59:12] He aims it at Eddie Murphy and you're like, Eddie Murphy's totes fucked.

Elliott Kalan

[59:15] Yeah.

[59:15] That's the end of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[59:16] The bad guy's one.

[59:17] She sees it and she's like, I think I can save him.

[59:20] She starts flipping.

[59:21] I can save him the only way I know how.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] She's...

[59:24] Flip powers.

[59:26] Flip powers.

[59:27] Activate.

Stuart Wellington

[59:28] So she flips right past him and he's like, what's she doing?

[59:32] She flips faster than an arrow.

[59:34] He hasn't even fired it yet.

[59:35] He's like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[59:36] This had better be Zeno's fucking arrow that it takes so long to get to him.

Stuart Wellington

[59:40] She starts flipping.

[59:41] He's like, fuck this.

[59:42] I'm going to just shoot this clown.

[59:44] He pulls the trigger and the bolt flies through the air.

[59:46] I said bolt because it's not an arrow, dude.

[59:48] It's a crossbow bolt.

[59:49] Good point.

[59:49] And she flips to hug Eddie Murphy.

[59:52] We would have gotten letters, so thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] From the American Crossbow Association, the ACA.

[59:56] And the crossbow pierces her back.

[59:59] Mortally.

[1:00:00] Mortally.

[1:00:00] And she is killed.

[1:00:02] The bad guys escape with the dagger, which was handed to them at some point.

[1:00:05] And Charles Dance is happy.

[1:00:06] He got what he wanted and he wanted what he got.

[1:00:08] I think he was in a...

[1:00:09] If you got skin in the game, you stay in the game.

[1:00:14] But you don't get a win unless you play in the game.

[1:00:17] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] It's a little bit of Hamilton for everybody.

[1:00:19] So, for some reason, they're restoring the dagger in a briefcase.

[1:00:23] I mean, normally I keep all my cool weapons in briefcases.

[1:00:27] You think it's just rattling around in there?

[1:00:28] Yeah.

[1:00:29] No, no, no.

[1:00:30] I get a specialty case man.

[1:00:31] Oh, with like acoustic padding?

[1:00:33] Or so that it looks like it's something else.

[1:00:35] Like you open it and you're like, this is just magazines.

[1:00:37] And then you pick up those magazines and you're like, there's a fucking dope dagger in there.

[1:00:42] This guy must be an awesome assassin.

[1:00:44] Who loves to read.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:47] No, the reading's garbage.

[1:00:48] I tricked them.

[1:00:49] Who likes to keep up on, let's take a look at this, 69 sex tricks that'll blow your man's mind.

[1:00:54] Chunky ass.

[1:00:55] That's weird.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:57] Harper's the failures of the Obama administration.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] Oh boy.

[1:01:01] He's one of those assassins.

[1:01:03] So, there's only, Dr. Hong tells him that if you...

Dan McCoy

[1:01:09] You have three weeks to live.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:11] That she has one day to live.

[1:01:12] Yeah.

[1:01:13] There's a chance...

[1:01:13] Your funny bone is too big, Eddie Murphy.

[1:01:16] There's a...

[1:01:17] And the snake lady tells Eddie Murphy that your funny bone is too big.

[1:01:22] We're going to have to do a funny bone reduction.

[1:01:24] No.

[1:01:25] No, but that's the source of my talent.

[1:01:27] No.

[1:01:28] None of my leather jumpsuits will fit anymore.

[1:01:31] My deformity has made me a star.

[1:01:33] Much like in that graphic novel, what was it called?

[1:01:35] Four Fingers?

[1:01:36] Three Fingers?

[1:01:36] What?

[1:01:37] The one about all the Disney characters?

[1:01:39] I think it's called Three Fingers.

[1:01:40] Anyway, so...

[1:01:41] What?

[1:01:43] They tell him, if you can get the golden child over here before the sun goes...

[1:01:49] Before the sun stops touching your body...

[1:01:51] We have established that that dude, when he touches something that's dead, it becomes alive again.

[1:01:54] He brings it back to life, if the sun hasn't set on it yet.

[1:01:58] So, Eddie Murphy's got a halt butt in his Volvo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:00] So, Elton John...

[1:02:01] The liser is a face.

[1:02:02] Elton John knew what he was talking about when he said,

[1:02:05] Don't let the sun go down on me if I could kill.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:08] Unless there's a golden child in the room.

[1:02:11] Eddie Murphy goes to where the golden child is being held.

[1:02:14] The golden child has turned the biker of the apocalypse into his ally now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:19] Eddie Murphy fights the monkey guy, who has this really cool chain attack,

[1:02:24] and he defeats him in like two seconds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:25] Super easy.

[1:02:26] Because it's that point in the movie where all the people who were formidable opponents up until now,

[1:02:30] you touch them and they fall down dead.

[1:02:32] Except for Charles Dance, whose form bursts open to reveal a stop-motion animated skeleton demon.

[1:02:38] And that's when the movie went from, okay, to amazing.

[1:02:41] Yep, it goes from, okay, to end of Howard the Duck.

[1:02:44] Which is pretty amazing.

[1:02:46] Yeah.

[1:02:47] The best part of Howard the Duck, to be honest.

[1:02:49] I may be starting a controversy here, but I really love 80s stop-motion optical process effects.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:55] Maybe you guys are going to come out of line.

[1:02:57] Thanks, Scott Aukerman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] Especially like that kind of zap magic lightning effect that you see in Howard the Duck and in Ghostbusters and things like that.

[1:03:07] Yeah.

[1:03:08] I love that.

[1:03:08] I could watch demo reels of that for hours.

[1:03:11] Well, it clearly looks like an animator went over the film footage and was like, yeah, frame by frame.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:15] I'm just going to go frame by frame and add some lightning bolts to this guy's hand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:18] I know it's a love scene between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, but I'm going to throw some lightning bolts in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:24] I've never seen the world I've encountered that isn't approved by lightning bolts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:30] So I watched that movie Harvey the other day.

[1:03:34] You know what was missing?

[1:03:35] Jimmy Stewart should have been shooting lightning bolts out of his hands the whole time.

[1:03:39] And then you call it Lightning Harvey.

[1:03:41] I know Harvey is not the Jimmy Stewart character, but maybe we change that in post.

[1:03:44] Kramer versus Kramer.

[1:03:46] They've got to be shooting lightning bolts.

[1:03:47] I mean, what else are they fighting each other with?

[1:03:49] It's a versus movie.

[1:03:51] Atomic Fire Breath, maybe Godzilla versus Kramer, which I think is a Rob Reiner joke.

[1:03:59] Yeah.

[1:04:00] So, Rob Reiner, thanks for listening.

[1:04:02] First off.

[1:04:03] I think I found that when I was researching once, I wrote a sketch once called Godzilla versus the Board of Education,

[1:04:08] where Godzilla brought about a lawsuit for monster education rights,

[1:04:12] and I did a Google search to make sure no one had done that before.

[1:04:15] Yeah.

[1:04:17] Anyway, so they go to the way.

[1:04:19] He gets the kid.

[1:04:20] They escape.

[1:04:21] He catches the kid.

[1:04:22] He catches the kid.

[1:04:23] He escapes in his Volvo.

[1:04:24] They go to an abandoned place somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:26] They are fucking going crazy in this shit, in this station wagon, and you're going, yes, turn that music to 10.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:32] Turn that music to the max, more flying demon animation in the daytime, no less.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] The theme music speeds up.

[1:04:39] You're like, this has got to be the thing.

[1:04:41] The kid is like, I don't even need to use my hands to fucking buckle both our seatbelts, bro.

[1:04:46] He does some Peter Gabriel sledgehammer shit and just his seatbelt buckles on his own.

[1:04:49] Which is crazy, because at this point you're like, he doesn't even need that seatbelt.

[1:04:53] He's magic.

[1:04:53] Nothing on this earth can stop him.

[1:04:55] That car stopped short.

[1:04:56] He's flying through the windshield and then just walking away.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] He's going to be smiling, rolling around in class.

[1:05:00] Going, wee!

[1:05:02] Can't hurt me.

[1:05:03] I'm the gingerbread man.

[1:05:05] No, they, but the car is stopped.

[1:05:07] They're in some kind of abandoned concrete something or other.

[1:05:10] Just to remind you it's the 80s, there's some big graffiti on the side that says no aid for

[1:05:14] contras.

[1:05:15] And the demon chases them in.

[1:05:17] There's the concrete of the place.

[1:05:19] They lower them into a classic honey pie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:22] You know a demon can't resist a fucking old silo with a kid in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:28] Now that's just common magical lore.

[1:05:31] I think that's in the Necronomicon.

[1:05:35] The cement ceiling collapses on him.

[1:05:37] Oh, good.

[1:05:38] He's dead, right?

[1:05:39] You think so.

[1:05:40] He's overcut to black.

[1:05:41] They tear ass in that Volvo.

[1:05:44] He uses his magic powers to wake up Eddie Murphy's girlfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:48] Because you see her and you're like, the sun's not setting on her, but there's this weird

[1:05:52] little laser of light.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:54] There's just, through a crack in the window, there's one beam of sunlight hitting her, which

[1:05:57] looks like, yeah, like someone's hitting her with a proton pack or something like that.

[1:06:02] And then, uh-oh, demon appears again.

[1:06:05] We're actually messing up the title.

[1:06:06] Ray Harryhausen has resurrected him somehow.

[1:06:08] I think this happens before they bring her back.

[1:06:11] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:11] Uh, it's...

[1:06:13] You're like, what is it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] A fucking Tremors dude just busting out on the ground?

[1:06:16] Is this a raboi?

[1:06:17] Come on.

[1:06:18] Is he a John Carpenter's vampires?

[1:06:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:21] And, uh, he...

[1:06:22] It's a Bugs goddamn bunny.

[1:06:24] No, it is not.

[1:06:26] It's this Charles Dance demon who, now, Charles Dance didn't even bother to record any fucking

[1:06:30] lines for this stop-motion effect.

[1:06:32] It is just grunting and roaring.

[1:06:34] It tries to stab Eddie Murphy.

[1:06:36] That dagger is stopped by, uh-ho, the, quote, wrong, unquote, necklace that...

[1:06:41] Which is worth clearly more than $100.

[1:06:43] Because it saved his life.

[1:06:44] How much...

[1:06:44] Is your life not worth $100, Eddie Murphy?

[1:06:46] Chosen One's life, yeah.

[1:06:47] Yeah.

[1:06:48] The Chosen One's life, who's saving the guy, who's gonna bring him out in life.

[1:06:51] It's worth $150.

[1:06:52] Magic dagger repellent.

[1:06:54] Eddie Murphy takes a long time to thrust the dagger into the demon.

[1:06:57] Demon explodifies.

[1:06:59] They wake up his girlfriend.

[1:07:00] Everybody's okay.

[1:07:01] And they walk off into the sunset.

[1:07:03] Through a field.

[1:07:04] Through a field.

[1:07:05] Yeah.

[1:07:05] Why are they in a field?

[1:07:07] I don't know.

[1:07:07] They're the farm part of this.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:09] They got a new surrogate family.

[1:07:10] They got Eddie.

[1:07:11] They got Lady.

[1:07:12] They got Childy.

[1:07:14] Well, they cover this...

[1:07:15] They cover that Key...

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:16] The best part is that Key is going to be taking the golden child back to Nepal.

[1:07:21] And he's just not gonna go with them.

[1:07:23] I guess he's got too many kids to find?

[1:07:25] Yeah.

[1:07:25] He's gotta keep on with his crusade.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:26] He's Kid Finder, indeed.

[1:07:28] He's the Kid Fighter General.

[1:07:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:30] So they, of course, hand this golden child baseball cap.

[1:07:33] He does what any kid would do.

[1:07:35] Turns it backwards immediately.

[1:07:36] That's radical.

[1:07:37] Because he is radical.

[1:07:38] That's fucking amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] Because he...

[1:07:39] And I use he loosely since even though the character is a boy, the actress playing that character

[1:07:42] was a girl.

[1:07:43] What?

[1:07:44] The whole time.

[1:07:45] Oh, my God.

[1:07:46] That was a real Linda Hunt situation.

[1:07:48] It was Linda Hunt as a kid playing the golden child.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:52] That's even more amazing.

[1:07:54] Because she didn't look Asian when she was older.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] She was Asian as a kid.

[1:08:00] Wait, when did Linda Hunt play a boy?

[1:08:02] The Year of Living Dangerously.

[1:08:03] She won an Academy Award for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:04] Oh, I thought she won an Academy Award for...

[1:08:06] Kindergarten Cop?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:08] Or Lucy Gill.

[1:08:09] Yeah, she's a three-time Academy Award winner.

[1:08:11] Yeah.

[1:08:14] And Eddie Murphy starts...

[1:08:17] He's clearly ad-libbing.

[1:08:18] He just starts asking if they have Star Search in their country.

[1:08:20] And then talks about going on Star Search and throwing rocks at Ed McMahon.

[1:08:23] Credits roll.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] America's number one enemy at the time.

[1:08:29] Ed McMahon.

[1:08:30] Most hated man in show business.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:33] It's like when you listen to...

[1:08:35] Who's the stand-up comedian who died relatively young?

[1:08:38] Whoever talks about how great he was.

[1:08:40] Jim Belushi.

[1:08:41] No.

[1:08:43] I can't remember.

[1:08:44] Still alive.

[1:08:44] Never mind.

[1:08:45] Forget it.

[1:08:45] Jim.

[1:08:46] Oh, my God.

[1:08:48] Jim Belushi.

[1:08:49] He's still alive?

[1:08:50] The Belushi is still around.

[1:08:52] Oh, my God.

[1:08:53] It's the Belushi.

[1:08:54] Not the Belushi.

[1:08:54] Who is still alive.

[1:08:55] Yes.

[1:08:55] But it's not the same.

[1:08:56] So, Bill Hicks, how people would talk about, oh, man, that guy was groundbreaking.

[1:09:00] And then you listen to his stand-up.

[1:09:00] I thought he only existed in preacher comics.

[1:09:03] Nope.

[1:09:03] He was a real man.

[1:09:05] And you listen to his stand-up and there's a lot of jokes about, like, Billy Ray Cyrus.

[1:09:08] And you're like, ooh, way to talk truth to power, buddy.

[1:09:12] Way to date yourself, dude.

[1:09:14] Also date yourself.

[1:09:15] Just try not to die.

[1:09:16] I guess he would have updated his material had he lived.

[1:09:19] So, anyway, that unnecessary knock on Bill Hicks aside.

[1:09:23] Yeah, wow.

[1:09:23] Yeah, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:25] Way to pee on his grave.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:27] And look, if it makes you feel any better, I love the character actor William Hickey, who

[1:09:30] has almost the same name.

[1:09:31] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:32] Fair enough.

[1:09:33] I read Preacher at least once.

[1:09:34] Hey.

[1:09:35] Stuart and I, a very close friend of ours, Bill Hickey from Earlham College.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:40] So, clearly Bill Hicks' ghost can't be mad at us.

[1:09:43] Not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:43] We've covered all of our faces.

[1:09:45] Glad we uncursed ourselves that time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:46] It's like we bought magical necklaces for $100.

[1:09:49] So, let's get to final judges, shall we?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:52] Let's get to fucking final.

[1:09:53] We've gone so long, especially with the, uh, the.

[1:09:56] The bloops.

[1:09:57] The stuff that's on the other computer.

[1:09:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:00] I'm just going to say it right now.

[1:10:01] Holy shit.

[1:10:01] I'm going to call this a good-bad movie.

[1:10:04] Yeah.

[1:10:04] Not super funny, but if you want to watch a movie that says, hey, this was made in the

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:09] 1980s, watch The Golden Child.

[1:10:11] This remains a movie I kind of like.

[1:10:14] I watched it a million times as a kid.

[1:10:15] I thought it was great.

[1:10:17] I still kind of like it.

[1:10:18] The soundtrack's great.

[1:10:19] There's a weird monkey face dude.

[1:10:21] There's blood in the porridge.

[1:10:22] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:24] Yeah.

[1:10:24] It sounds like an English dessert.

[1:10:26] Yeah.

[1:10:26] I agree with everything that's been said.

[1:10:28] I kind of like this movie.

[1:10:28] It starts out a little slow when you think it's going to be more of a comedy, and then

[1:10:33] it ramps up in, like, just, like, goofiness.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:36] If you go into it expecting a crazy, mystical adventure movie and not a comedy, then it is

[1:10:42] instantly a better movie in your own.

[1:10:43] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:44] It's a fun 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:47] If you need to say, follow up to the delirious stand-up special, you will be disappointed.

[1:10:52] You should be watching Raw.

[1:10:54] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:00] A tie is a pedantic person.

[1:11:03] I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way.

[1:11:08] Gyro.

[1:11:09] Yiro.

[1:11:10] Sacrebleu.

[1:11:11] Sacrebleu.

[1:11:12] Ayers Rock.

[1:11:13] Uluru.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:16] What you are witnessing is real.

[1:11:19] The participants are not actors.

[1:11:21] They are actual litigants with real cases.

[1:11:24] They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's Court.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:28] The real people's court.

[1:11:30] Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's Internet Court.

[1:11:34] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:41] This delightful program is brought to you by Squarespace.

[1:11:45] Beautiful websites for beautiful beverages like kombuchadog.com.

[1:11:50] I guess kombucha means black mushroom tea, but it's much more fun to say kombucha, like

[1:11:55] chicken chimichanga.

[1:11:57] I never really wanted chimichanga.

[1:11:58] I just like to ask, how's the chicken chimichanga?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:02] Before we move on to letters and such, I just want to take a moment to say thank you to our

[1:12:11] network, Maximum Fun.

[1:12:13] We don't do this often enough, but there are a lot of great shows on the network.

[1:12:17] Some personal favorites of mine.

[1:12:20] I like Jordan and Jesse Go.

[1:12:23] I like My Brother and My Brother and Me.

[1:12:25] I know you guys are big fans of The Adventure Zone.

[1:12:28] Yeah, it's a good cast to listen to it today.

[1:12:30] We got our buddy John Hodgman with Judge John Hodgman over there.

[1:12:35] Other shows.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:36] I've been going crazy with that.

[1:12:38] Stop podcasting yourself.

[1:12:40] There's a lot of great shows.

[1:12:40] But only Graham.

[1:12:41] Dave.

[1:12:42] No, thank you.

[1:12:43] Whoa.

[1:12:43] Wow.

[1:12:44] No reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:44] Just joking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:47] JK.

[1:12:47] I just want to start.

[1:12:48] JK Simmons, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:49] JK Simmons.

[1:12:50] Withlash, everybody.

[1:12:51] JK Rowling's.

[1:12:53] Are they married?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] JK Simmons and JK Rowling's?

[1:12:55] Yes, of course they are.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:58] There's a ton of great shows you can check out.

[1:13:00] All at MaximumFun.org.

[1:13:03] All free to listen to.

[1:13:05] So check them out.

[1:13:07] That's all I wanted to say.

[1:13:08] That was very nice.

[1:13:09] That was really fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:10] Now that we're done with our Flophouse housework.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:12] Wait.

[1:13:12] Well, not exactly.

[1:13:14] Go on.

[1:13:15] No.

[1:13:15] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:15] I was just.

[1:13:16] I thought you had something.

[1:13:17] There was a segue.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:18] I was just trying to segue.

[1:13:20] It was a segue to nothing.

[1:13:21] That kind of describes most of my shit.

[1:13:23] You're like, I'll start a segue.

[1:13:25] And then by the time I'm finished with it, I'll have some idea of what I'm segueing to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:29] I stare blankly at the computer screen.

[1:13:32] She's wondering what happened.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:33] Stuart was just like, I don't like talking about other podcasts.

[1:13:36] I got to get away from this as fast as I can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] I just like talking about me.

[1:13:42] What's going on with Stuart?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:45] So are we at letters points or what's going on?

[1:13:47] Well, first I want to thank you.

[1:13:49] Thank you.

[1:13:50] Oh, you're very welcome, Dan.

[1:13:51] I want to thank you to some listeners for some gifts.

[1:13:55] The first one of these.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:56] This is the first we're hearing about.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:59] The first one of these.

[1:14:00] Yeah.

[1:14:00] Well, I was going to say I should have given to Elliot before the show started.

[1:14:07] You wanted a real reaction.

[1:14:08] Well, I was a little stressed when the show started.

[1:14:11] I was dealing with computer issues.

[1:14:13] So I forgot.

[1:14:15] So this is the first Elliot's hearing about it.

[1:14:17] But thank you to Jesse Bacon.

[1:14:18] My real father?

[1:14:19] Thank you to Jesse Bacon for the WPA Libraries poster that he sent to Elliot.

[1:14:25] That's really nice.

[1:14:26] So I'll bestow that upon you after the show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:30] As a man with a lot of library blood in my family, seeing as there are a number of my library

[1:14:37] tradition in my family goes back three generations.

[1:14:40] My grandmother and my mother and my wife and her grandfather are all librarians.

[1:14:44] So thank you.

[1:14:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:46] Thank you to Leah Lewis for the crocheted Happy Cagemas banner that is hanging in Flophouse Studios.

[1:14:55] You don't see it out here, Elliot and Stuart, because I couldn't find the best place to hang it.

[1:15:00] But it is...

[1:15:01] So it's in a closet.

[1:15:02] It is in the apartment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:04] Is this a scavenger hunt?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:07] I've put a series of clues around you.

[1:15:10] Is it Easter?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] If you find it, you can have my ghouls.

[1:15:13] You've put a series of clues, each more devilish than the last.

[1:15:16] And one of them is less like, Dan pees in me.

[1:15:18] Oh, well, the toilet, right?

[1:15:20] Oh, you'd think so?

[1:15:21] Try again.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:24] That's what makes it devilish.

[1:15:26] Thank you to Emily Bennett, my Flophouse Facebook Secret Santa, for the book and DVD that she sent to me.

[1:15:34] And lastly, thanks to Andy, Jan, Beth, and Jessica for the Flophouse holiday cards that were sent in.

[1:15:45] Thanks very much for all the good wishes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:47] We also, last time, received a gift from Flophouse listener Michael Seery, a heaping helping of Hanukkah guilt.

[1:16:00] The problem is, what happens, guys, is we start this podcast and then I get all really worked up.

[1:16:05] And I forget things sometimes.

[1:16:06] And that was one of those things I forget.

[1:16:08] But it was really great and we're going to enjoy that Hanukkah guilt.

[1:16:12] Elliot, I think, mentioned how much he loves it.

[1:16:14] It's the best chocolate he's ever had.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:15] I have to say this.

[1:16:16] I had some Hanukkah guilt this year.

[1:16:18] Not this year.

[1:16:18] 2015.

[1:16:19] That last year.

[1:16:20] That was of a much higher quality.

[1:16:22] The guiltiest.

[1:16:22] Much higher quality than I remember.

[1:16:25] 2015 was an excellent year for guilt.

[1:16:27] Good vintage.

[1:16:28] But it was much better than I remembered it.

[1:16:29] So I think they've improved the formula.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:31] Also, there's going to be a lot more editing than usual for this episode.

[1:16:37] Because it's long.

[1:16:38] Because of the weird two computers problem.

[1:16:43] But if I remember it, and I hope I remember it, a listener sent one of Elliot's letter songs to music.

[1:16:52] Oh, you did a really good job.

[1:16:53] I hope to stick that on at the end of the show.

[1:16:56] If I remember.

[1:16:58] If I don't.

[1:16:59] Then write in and remind Dan.

[1:17:00] If I don't, write in and remind me.

[1:17:02] And it'll come in an upcoming episode.

[1:17:04] What was that listener's name?

[1:17:05] Thank you to John Davis.

[1:17:07] John Davis.

[1:17:08] Thanks very much.

[1:17:11] But.

[1:17:12] Now to move on to actual.

[1:17:13] Dan's favorite part of the body.

[1:17:16] Wait.

[1:17:17] He said but.

[1:17:18] Oh, but.

[1:17:18] Yeah.

[1:17:19] But it's time to move on to the actual letters for the evening.

[1:17:24] The first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:26] We're running long.

[1:17:27] So we don't have a lot of time for a song.

[1:17:30] Or a rhyme for us all to go along.

[1:17:33] And listen to about the letters.

[1:17:36] We gotta hurry it up.

[1:17:38] Let's speed it out fast.

[1:17:40] Time's not gonna last.

[1:17:41] If we keep singing on about the letters.

[1:17:44] We don't have time to waste.

[1:17:46] We don't have time to burn.

[1:17:47] We've got money to earn.

[1:17:49] And lessons to learn about life.

[1:17:51] From these letters.

[1:17:53] From you.

[1:17:54] So let's hurry it up.

[1:17:56] You have to wake up in like four minutes.

[1:17:58] Letters.

[1:18:00] Tonight.

[1:18:01] Or this morning.

[1:18:03] Or noon.

[1:18:03] Whenever you're listening to the Flophouse.

[1:18:06] Letters.

[1:18:06] So the Flophouse movie mailbag.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:08] Is a section where we talk about Elliot's songs.

[1:18:11] You don't need to explain.

[1:18:13] Let's move on.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:13] Should I sing another song that explains how we do the letters?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:15] No, let's not.

[1:18:16] Dan reaches into the bag.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] And sometimes a piranha bites him.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:19] So this first letter.

[1:18:24] Says, I recently discovered the Flophouse.

[1:18:26] And since I often have terrible taste in movies.

[1:18:29] I wanted to make sure there was nothing I wanted to see on there.

[1:18:32] That you guys might spoil.

[1:18:34] Or spoil in a different way.

[1:18:36] Than just watching a terrible movie.

[1:18:39] I saw Winter's Tale on the episode list.

[1:18:42] And I was like, oh that's in my Netflix queue.

[1:18:44] I bumped it up to the top.

[1:18:45] And when the disc arrived.

[1:18:47] I sat down with very low expectations.

[1:18:48] The disc?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:49] When's his letter from?

[1:18:50] Like five years ago?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:51] Stream it, dude.

[1:18:53] Movie started strong.

[1:18:54] I kept waiting for it to suck.

[1:18:56] But it kept getting better.

[1:18:57] I'm sitting there thinking.

[1:18:58] How the hell are they going to make fun of this?

[1:19:00] I mean the pacing's maybe a little lumpy.

[1:19:02] And some of the supporting actors are amateurs.

[1:19:04] But I mean this is really well done.

[1:19:06] It's ended up being a haunting take on heroism.

[1:19:08] As well as a standing testament.

[1:19:10] To the soul crushing poverty.

[1:19:11] And corruption in the Ozarks.

[1:19:13] Weird.

[1:19:14] I can't figure out how this got flopped.

[1:19:16] Then later I'm like.

[1:19:18] Oh wait.

[1:19:19] You guys were talking about the unloved 2014 magical realism Colin Farrell vehicle Winter's Tale.

[1:19:25] And I just watched 2010 Best Picture nominee Winter's Bone with Jennifer Lawrence.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:30] The movie that introduced Jennifer Lawrence to the world.

[1:19:32] The movie that I described as a girl in a man's world.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:36] Expecting it to fly off the rails and bomb made Winter's Bone even more harrowing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:41] Yeah it's great dude.

[1:19:42] Still listening.

[1:19:43] John Hawks is amazing in that movie.

[1:19:45] She totally has to pull a hand off a corpse in a swamp.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:48] Still listening.

[1:19:49] Still not a good reader.

[1:19:50] John Hawks is great in that.

[1:19:51] First name withheld.

[1:19:52] Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:53] So.

[1:19:54] Wow.

[1:19:54] Both names huh?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:56] Yeah.

[1:19:56] So did you ever get a letter from someone who didn't exist?

[1:20:00] Maybe embarrassed about the misidentification of Winter's Tale and Winter's Bone.

[1:20:06] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:07] Dude earlier in this episode I fucking confused Blanche for Rose.

[1:20:11] That was shameful.

[1:20:12] I'm going to throw myself up the window right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:14] That is the biggest crime.

[1:20:15] I can think of many members of the Flophouse fan community who will pillory you for that.

[1:20:20] This is going to be terrible.

[1:20:22] Now did that.

[1:20:22] But maybe that happened in the deleted segment.

[1:20:24] I don't know.

[1:20:24] Burden and effigy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:25] I don't know.

[1:20:26] Maybe.

[1:20:26] I just admitted to it at this point.

[1:20:28] So.

[1:20:29] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:29] And then all Victor Wong, James Hong.

[1:20:31] That was way worse.

[1:20:32] The thing is like from now on that deleted segment.

[1:20:35] I'm going to chop my face off.

[1:20:35] It'll be like an alternate universe.

[1:20:38] It'll be like.

[1:20:38] Okay.

[1:20:39] We all have vague memories of this other world that could have happened.

[1:20:42] That's strange.

[1:20:42] But didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:43] Like Uatu is just watching from the blue area of the moon saying, what if they had finished

[1:20:48] that version of the episode?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:49] Is that what that guy's name is with the giant head from the what if?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:52] He's Uatu.

[1:20:53] Or is that the guy with the pan on his head from the what the comics?

[1:20:56] That's Forbush Man.

[1:20:57] He who has the pan on the head from the.

[1:20:59] Forbush Man?

[1:21:00] Yeah.

[1:21:01] Forbush.

[1:21:01] F-O-R-B-U-S-H.

[1:21:03] What's his relation to Spider-Ham?

[1:21:05] They're just good friends.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:07] What about Captain Carrot and his zoo crew?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:09] That's a different company, Dan.

[1:21:11] Those are DC characters.

[1:21:12] What?

[1:21:13] Don't give me this shit.

[1:21:15] We're talking about Marvel parody characters.

[1:21:19] Captain Carrot is pretty great.

[1:21:20] I'm sorry.

[1:21:20] I didn't mean to get so mad.

[1:21:22] Captain Carrot and I had a bad breakup.

[1:21:25] I never got over it.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:26] He said he'd call and then he never called.

[1:21:29] He didn't call.

[1:21:31] Um, alright.

[1:21:32] I love that bunny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:35] Wouldn't his teeth just tear apart your face when you guys make out?

[1:21:40] Yeah.

[1:21:40] Because rabbit teeth are terrifying.

[1:21:41] So I expected him to call the next day.

[1:21:43] Like, if he went down on you, it would be like a fucking Vajetti.

[1:21:47] Well, I never got the chance to find out.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:50] Um, okay.

[1:21:51] Well, moving on.

[1:21:53] Uh, this next letter is from James.

[1:21:55] Last name withheld.

[1:21:56] Who writes?

[1:21:57] James.

[1:21:58] I hope you guys get me mixed up with Victor Long.

[1:22:01] We'll never be forever, dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:05] I love you.

[1:22:07] Oh my god.

[1:22:08] Never mistake me.

[1:22:10] I love the plop house.

[1:22:12] What I love the most about it is that you're such two cityists, you would never confuse two

[1:22:17] Asian actors just because they have similar names.

[1:22:19] Especially two actors who is oeuvras you're so well versed in.

[1:22:23] Yours forever.

[1:22:24] James Hong slash maybe Victor Wong.

[1:22:26] You don't know.

[1:22:32] Sad.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:33] So James Hong writes, greetings from rainy England.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:38] No, I didn't know the weather now.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:39] I hope your holidays were all...

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:42] He's here during Game of Thrones now.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:44] I hope your holidays were all untrammeled delights.

[1:22:47] I just wanted to say that I love your show.

[1:22:50] My favorite, quote, album tracks to the hit singles of house cat sighing and letter songs

[1:22:55] are...

[1:22:56] When Stuart suddenly acts like he has some place to be and tries to hurry up the podcast.

[1:23:01] So Dan, what do we do next?

[1:23:04] When Elliot begrudgingly agrees with one of Dan's recommendations.

[1:23:08] You can almost hear his disappointment.

[1:23:10] Oh, that's a good movie.

[1:23:12] That's...

[1:23:13] When Dan makes those funny...

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:14] I'm like, you're kind of surprised.

[1:23:15] That's the best part.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:17] When Dan makes those funny laughing noises around the 720 mark of the Fifty Shades of Grey episode.

[1:23:22] Today, I was on my first day back at work after the longest time spent with my one-year-old son since paternity leave.

[1:23:32] It was sad that the slight something in my eye as a result of missing my son's laugh

[1:23:36] was mixed with tears of laughter during Dan's confused and angry attempt to get people to donate to charity at Christmas.

[1:23:44] Someone on the tube asked me if I was alright in a nice way.

[1:23:48] I know you Anglophiles will understand how rarely this happens in one state I must have been in.

[1:23:53] If you guys ever do a show over here, I would like to buy you all a beer, room temperature, or chilled.

[1:24:00] No, cheered.

[1:24:00] Cheered out.

[1:24:01] Or cheers.

[1:24:02] Chin-chin.

[1:24:04] Same class, same as hell.

[1:24:05] He raises a good point, which is...

[1:24:08] We should do a show in England.

[1:24:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:10] That would be amazing.

[1:24:10] It's time for us to invade them.

[1:24:13] Mm-hmm.

[1:24:13] Oh, my God.

[1:24:14] That would be great.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:15] Now, how would we go about doing that?

[1:24:16] Was that the point you were talking about?

[1:24:18] Oh, no.

[1:24:18] The point I was doing about it was that apparently, for some reason, the most interrupted you get

[1:24:23] is when I'm trying to do nice things for other people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:26] You'll notice I didn't interrupt you once during that letter, and you still had trouble getting through it.

[1:24:29] No, no.

[1:24:30] That's fine.

[1:24:31] But you're right.

[1:24:31] It is when...

[1:24:32] Because I don't always know you're trying to do a nice thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:33] And last episode...

[1:24:35] And I'm a mean person.

[1:24:36] I was realizing the last episode, and about 20 minutes in, I was like, we are terrible.

[1:24:42] Why does Dan put up with us?

[1:24:44] He's all right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:45] Because we're really fun guys that love Dan.

[1:24:47] Sorry.

[1:24:48] We care about him.

[1:24:49] We just don't care about the people he cares about.

[1:24:51] So when he tries to do nice things for them, we're like, we're going to interrupt you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:55] Well, it started off as Dan not being nice.

[1:24:59] Well, but we didn't know that that was a bit.

[1:25:00] Oh, he was playing like a character.

[1:25:02] Like he was doing a heel turn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:04] Exactly.

[1:25:04] He was doing a heel turn.

[1:25:05] Again.

[1:25:06] Only to become a baby face at the end of it.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:08] I was not being nice to...

[1:25:10] I don't want to go through this.

[1:25:11] I don't want to ever relitigate this.

[1:25:13] Although, we do...

[1:25:15] Want to do a show in England.

[1:25:16] We do want to do a show in England.

[1:25:17] And we do want to do something...

[1:25:19] For charity.

[1:25:20] Nice for charity.

[1:25:21] I think that's forthcoming.

[1:25:22] She's suffered so much.

[1:25:24] Charity.

[1:25:24] Listening to the show.

[1:25:25] And I think we'll have a more specific sort of thing set up.

[1:25:31] Yeah, we're talking about one.

[1:25:31] And we like beer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:33] We do like beer.

[1:25:34] That came up too.

[1:25:35] So all those things are correct.

[1:25:36] I guess write the Queen of England.

[1:25:38] Tell her the Flophouse has to come do a show.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:40] To revoke the passport ban she has on all of us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:45] She knows why they are in effect.

[1:25:49] But yeah, if someone was going to give us enough money to do it, we'd totally come to England.

[1:25:53] I mean, this might basically just have to cover travel costs, right?

[1:25:57] I could stay at my sister's place.

[1:25:59] I don't know where you guys are staying.

[1:26:00] I'm sure we could arrange a theater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:01] Yeah, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:03] I think I would hope we should arrange a theater in the birthplace of Shakespeare.

[1:26:08] The world's greatest playwright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:11] We're going to play the Globe.

[1:26:12] We're going to play the West End or the Globe or the East End or maybe the South End.

[1:26:16] I'll probably have to dig deep into my games workshop contacts to find a couch I can crash on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:22] Meanwhile, Dan will roam the streets.

[1:26:23] He's solving crimes in a deerstalker cab.

[1:26:25] Yeah.

[1:26:27] Finally, I will solve...

[1:26:28] I thought you were talking about like the fucking Mike Leaves and like the Ripper.

[1:26:32] You'll solve the...

Dan McCoy

[1:26:33] I will solve the Ripper murders years after the final killing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:41] Yep.

[1:26:41] Moriarty showed up out of the fucking holodeck again.

[1:26:44] And he just started murdering people.

[1:26:46] Why did they invent it back in the 1880s?

[1:26:49] It was that infernal Sebastian Moran.

[1:26:52] After an in-depth article, in-depth interview with Alan Moore and Stephen Moffat, I guess, probably.

[1:26:58] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:01] All right.

[1:27:02] You're trying to ruin Sherlock Holmes for me.

[1:27:08] Last letter of the evening.

[1:27:10] From Stephen, last name withheld...

[1:27:12] Colbert.

[1:27:13] Long time listener.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:16] Long lost listener.

[1:27:17] Can you send someone to find me?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:19] Long time listener.

[1:27:21] First time writer inner.

[1:27:23] I just wanted to inform you...

[1:27:25] Never thought it would happen to me.

[1:27:27] I just wanted to inform you that you guys can call it a day now.

[1:27:31] You've made it.

[1:27:32] Yeah, we should.

[1:27:32] It's almost midnight.

[1:27:33] You've won.

[1:27:34] There's nothing more to achieve.

[1:27:36] Because you are now featured in the IMDB trivia for Castle Freak.

[1:27:40] Get the fuck out of here.

[1:27:42] What?

[1:27:42] I'm looking that up right now.

[1:27:43] The epic saga of Ding Donkey.

[1:27:46] It is epic, isn't it?

[1:27:47] Yes, man.

[1:27:48] I thought I'd slip that one by you.

[1:27:51] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:54] Not even looking up from his phone.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:57] You were on your phone.

[1:27:59] I thought it was safe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:00] That trip, that was like...

[1:28:00] That's when I thought it was safe.

[1:28:02] You had to go back in the mispronunciation.

[1:28:04] You thought you'd slipped under the laser beams like Captain Zeta-Jones' butt,

[1:28:07] but you tripped by silent alarm, dude.

[1:28:10] Clever girl.

[1:28:11] I knew you were in that house the whole time.

[1:28:16] Even Dave and Archie is yelling.

[1:28:22] It's right here at the top of the trivia.

[1:28:24] It's right there.

[1:28:24] Oh my god, I've done it.

[1:28:26] I'm going to fucking self-terminate.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:28] Motherfuckers.

[1:28:29] The epic saga of Ding Dong Gate has been immortalized for the ages.

[1:28:34] In a Robert Caro-esque epic of nearly paragraph length,

[1:28:38] all the accolades the New York Times, Entertainment Weekly, and the AV Club bestow upon you,

[1:28:43] all the legions of fans that fill live events and write obscene,

[1:28:46] even the love of your wives, children, and extended family could never compare

[1:28:51] to the thrill of seeing your misspelled names gracing the lower dregs of the IMDB equivalent of the deep web.

[1:28:59] So bask in your glory, hang your wormy boners on the mantle above the porthole of time,

[1:29:04] and call it a day because it doesn't get better than this.

[1:29:07] Keep on keeping on.

[1:29:08] I'll let that one go.

[1:29:09] Because I commute a lot, and y'all have kept me from the brink of insanity on multiple occasions.

[1:29:15] Best to all in house cats, Stephen Lastname with Hull.

[1:29:18] So thank you, Stephen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:19] I need to read the trivia.

[1:29:20] I was going to read.

[1:29:21] Well, people can go to trivia and read.

[1:29:23] There's a description of Ding Dong Gate and its culmination.

[1:29:28] I will say that I do doubt some of the trivia here.

[1:29:31] It says,

[1:29:31] The film was blessed by the Vatican for fears of the effect on its viewers.

[1:29:35] I would guess maybe blessed is not the word they're looking for.

[1:29:38] I don't think the Vatican blessed Castle Freak.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:42] Well, Stuart, so you're officially part of the Vatican told Stuart Gordon,

[1:29:47] God bless you when he sneezed once.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:50] You're part of the Castle Freak story now.

[1:29:52] I have to say,

[1:29:53] You've woven yourself into the sale.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:55] Into a tapestry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:56] Yep, I'm like fucking Stephen King in the Dark Tower.

[1:30:01] So I...

[1:30:02] You're a character in it, which means Giorgio can kill you now.

[1:30:05] Oh, shit.

[1:30:06] As long as a fucking gun shooting fingers don't get chopped off by crab monsters.

[1:30:12] So...

[1:30:13] Is that another Dark Tower there?

[1:30:15] The moment when I first pulled up Amazon,

[1:30:19] and for, you know, normal reasons,

[1:30:21] I added to my wish list the Castle Freak Blu-ray,

[1:30:26] and it said that users usually purchase Castle Freak plus Head of the Family,

[1:30:35] I fucking almost cried.

[1:30:38] The moment when I realized that...

[1:30:40] You're like...

[1:30:40] All of this is worth something.

[1:30:44] I cried.

[1:30:46] I said,

[1:30:46] I can now retire

[1:30:48] and return to the wing of Stuart Gordon's...

[1:30:52] Or Charles Band's castle in Italy that he fucking owns.

[1:30:56] You knew that you had finally left behind a monument to forever mark your time on this earth.

[1:31:02] Yep.

[1:31:02] In this Ozymandias type situation.

[1:31:04] I'll jump into a money bin filled with puppet master puppets.

[1:31:09] Like rich woman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:12] Yeah, you'll toss them up and hit you on your head.

[1:31:14] Yep.

[1:31:15] Like a twirl-head guy.

[1:31:16] Is that some kind of weird suicide where you're going to drown in puppet master puppets?

[1:31:19] It's like a weird sexual suicide.

[1:31:21] It's like a carrot eating situation.

[1:31:24] Mr. Hook, what were the names of the other puppets?

[1:31:26] There's a one with a hook for a hand.

[1:31:27] Well, there's Blades.

[1:31:28] Or Blade.

[1:31:30] Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

[1:31:30] Maybe it's a rollerblades.

[1:31:31] Although I'm called Blades by his friends.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:33] Because he wears a rollerblades.

[1:31:35] Yeah.

[1:31:36] And what?

[1:31:36] Six gun?

[1:31:37] And he's a street shark.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:38] Um, yeah.

[1:31:39] A street shark?

[1:31:40] I'm sure he's not a cowboy of moomates then.

[1:31:42] There's...

[1:31:42] There's probably a puppet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:44] Fuck off, dude.

[1:31:46] Keep your cowboys and moomates.

[1:31:47] They're probably called dairy-based nicknames.

[1:31:50] Like cheddar...

[1:31:52] Cheddar...

Dan McCoy

[1:31:54] Utterly.

[1:31:56] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:57] Yeah.

[1:31:57] Chet utterly.

[1:31:59] So, uh, before we sink into insanity, having gazed into the abyss, should we move on, Dan?

[1:32:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:06] Yes, we should move on to letter...

[1:32:09] Or wait.

[1:32:09] We just did that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:10] Uh, Dan, are you groundhog-ding right before our very eyes?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:13] Okay, so why don't you reach into the mailbag and pull out the first recommendation of the next movie,

[1:32:19] because what we actually do now is we recommend movies we actually count like.

[1:32:22] Thank you, Stuart.

[1:32:23] In addition to Golden Child.

[1:32:25] You did.

[1:32:26] Wait.

[1:32:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:28] Oh, that high-five sound was beautiful.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:30] Acoustics.

[1:32:31] So, I'm gonna go first, because fuck it.

[1:32:34] Why not?

[1:32:34] I'm Stuart.

[1:32:38] Own it.

[1:32:42] Uh, so, uh, of course, what I'm recommending right now is Star Wars.

[1:32:48] You should fucking go see it.

[1:32:49] If you like Star Wars, go see Force Awakens.

[1:32:51] If you don't like it, I'm sorry, dude.

[1:32:53] Star Wars?

[1:32:53] Do not tell me that you don't like it.

[1:32:55] I do not give a shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:56] I mean, I could tell you that I didn't...

[1:32:57] Fucking...

[1:32:58] I liked...

[1:32:59] I loved the first half, and the second half I didn't...

[1:33:01] I thought was okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:02] You know, the great thing is that Elliot and I are gonna talk about this later, off-air.

[1:33:05] Mm-hmm.

[1:33:05] All the way home.

[1:33:06] So I don't get...

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:06] So I don't get super worked up.

[1:33:08] But what I'm...

[1:33:09] Uh, in addition to Star Wars The Force Awakens, which is great, and I'm sure we'll probably

[1:33:12] talk about it a little bit as we're trailing off into the distance, I'm gonna recommend

[1:33:17] a movie that I think you can find on VOD right now, and if you're listening to this

[1:33:21] like 20 years in the future, probably on fucking Space Holodiscs, is a...

[1:33:26] That's a weird, uh, weird advisory warning to put in there.

[1:33:30] Yeah.

[1:33:31] I don't know, dude.

[1:33:31] I'm trying to go fast.

[1:33:33] Uh, so I'm gonna recommend a romantic comedy called Man Up.

[1:33:38] It stars Simon Pegg and Lake Bell, uh, where Lake Bell does a very believable English accent.

[1:33:44] And the premise is, uh, that Lake Bell bumps into Simon Pegg in a train station, uh, after

[1:33:53] running into a woman who is supposed to meet up on a blind date that's been set up.

[1:34:00] And, uh, accidentally, due to a circumstance, is, uh, Simon Pegg believes that Lake Bell is

[1:34:06] his blind date.

[1:34:08] And, uh, Lake Bell, who has been unlucky in love, uh, decides to just roll with it and

[1:34:13] go with it.

[1:34:13] And the first, like, as what I've described, uh, sounds like the beginnings of a bad romantic

[1:34:19] comedy.

[1:34:20] But everybody involved is very charming, and it continues to go in interesting directions,

[1:34:24] and it manages to be a fun movie.

[1:34:27] And I feel like Simon Pegg, when he's not in a big blockbuster or not in an Edgar Wright

[1:34:31] movie, ends up kind of picking weak movies, often weak romantic comedies.

[1:34:36] But this is the first time that actually, uh, it, it works.

[1:34:40] Uh, it's got a great supporting cast.

[1:34:43] Olivia Williams is in it.

[1:34:44] Uh, so if you're looking for a romantic comedy that might actually charm you a little bit,

[1:34:51] I would recommend Man Up.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:53] So, Stuart Ryderman's The Cop Show Mannix.

[1:34:56] Yeah.

[1:34:58] I would like to, uh, recommend, uh, a little movie called The Hate Filled Eight.

[1:35:04] Uh.

[1:35:05] I saw.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:07] By Quentin Turantino.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:10] The Roadage Show.

[1:35:11] By Quarman Turpentine.

[1:35:13] 70 milometers.

[1:35:16] Uh, no, I, you know, look.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:17] Hey, you're the only guy who's gotta get up for work tomorrow, so you can keep talking

Dan McCoy

[1:35:20] like this if you want.

[1:35:21] I don't know if it makes anything slower, it just makes it stupider.

[1:35:25] Uh, look, I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about this movie.

[1:35:31] Um, I understand.

[1:35:33] It is a hateful movie, as the film title suggests.

[1:35:38] It is a long movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:39] You know there's eight people.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:42] Um, it's maybe not as obviously, I, I, I don't know.

[1:35:50] I, I feel like the, the, the point that Quentin is, Tarantino is making is maybe not as clear

[1:35:57] for this film, uh, or.

[1:35:58] I mean, it's a movie about race, ultimately.

[1:36:01] Yeah, and, well, that's what I want to say about it, is, like, I personally was not such

[1:36:06] a fan of Django Unchained.

[1:36:08] I think it was.

[1:36:09] You said, chain that man back up.

[1:36:10] I thought it was.

[1:36:11] No, I did not say that.

[1:36:14] I thought it was an entertaining movie.

[1:36:16] Um, it felt a little off to me.

[1:36:18] Maybe it was because it was the first movie Quentin Tarantino made after his longtime,

[1:36:22] uh, editor, uh, tragically passed away.

[1:36:25] Maybe that was the problem.

[1:36:26] I don't know.

[1:36:27] But, uh, I feel like Django Unchained was kind of a, actually a shallower movie about race,

[1:36:35] because it was just a straight ahead, um, uh, revenge movie.

[1:36:40] It was, like, taking the whole of slavery and then turning it into a Death Wish-style revenge

[1:36:47] film, which was very satisfying, but was not very, I don't know, there was not a lot to

[1:36:54] chew on, maybe.

[1:36:55] Whereas the Hateful Eight, I'm not making any, I'm not making any claims for Quentin Tarantino

[1:37:01] as being a particularly deep thinker about social things, but I feel like he's trying to wrestle

[1:37:06] with something about Reconstruction, uh, America, and the gray areas that there are in, uh, in, uh,

[1:37:17] whites and blacks trying to live together.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:19] Lately I've been talking about the concept that I, you know, I don't, I think that his

[1:37:24] emotional intelligence might not meet his, like, skill level as a filmmaker.

[1:37:30] Um, so I think that supports what you're saying, but I also haven't seen He-Boy yet, so I could

[1:37:35] be a dummy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] I saw, I see what you're saying, Dan.

[1:37:38] I think there's definitely, like, islands of that, with, kind of, in the glitter.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:42] He's struggling with a little more complexity, or he's trying to, at least.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:45] I, see, that's the thing, I don't know.

[1:37:47] It's almost like, I think he has, he's trying to, he's trying to do a much simpler type of

[1:37:53] story, and in doing that, he has inserted some interesting ideas and moments and put in an

[1:38:00] interesting time period to be covering, which has, uh, interesting things to say if you kind

[1:38:07] of, like, push it forward a little bit more about how we, about how race relations are now,

[1:38:12] but they are, but those moments are drowning in blood in a way that felt a lot to me.

[1:38:18] I, I enjoyed the movie a lot, but it felt a lot less earned to me than in some of his

[1:38:22] other stuff.

[1:38:22] This felt more like early Quentin Tarantino to me, where it was like, it'd be really cool

[1:38:26] if this guy got killed this way.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:28] No, I, look, I think that to me, to me, my, uh, my favorite Quentin Tarantino movies are

[1:38:35] probably Glory's Bastards, and this is gonna be super controversial, but I really enjoy watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:41] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which is not even a Quentin Tarantino movie.

[1:38:44] That's so controversial.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:46] Just on a personal level, I really enjoy watching Death Proof, which is going to, like, irritate

[1:38:51] a bunch of internet firebrands who feel the need to write me.

[1:38:58] Don't.

[1:38:59] I don't care.

[1:38:59] I don't care what your opinion is.

[1:39:01] It's a personal opinion.

[1:39:02] Um, but, uh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:04] Well, you're saying that it's your, it's your personal favorite.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:08] It's not what you think might be best.

[1:39:09] It's not necessarily, like, the most polished thing that he's done.

[1:39:13] Um, but I feel like this is sort of middle-tier Tarantino, which is fine.

[1:39:19] Like, the thing about Quentin Tarantino is, like, um, whether you like him, whether you

[1:39:25] don't like him, he is, he knows how to spin a yarn, and for the amount of time that the

[1:39:32] movie takes, like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:33] He was, he should have gone, I mean, his, but that's, he comes from a yarn family.

[1:39:38] The Tarantino yarn works is known worldwide for quality yarn.

[1:39:41] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:42] In a way, he's got, although it's a weird comparison, it's kind of like Pixar.

[1:39:46] Like, even Tarantino that's not great is still really good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:49] Yeah, he set a very high mark.

[1:39:51] So this thing was, I walked out of the movie thinking, like, that wasn't as good as I

[1:39:54] wanted it to be for me.

[1:39:55] But, like, he set a very high mark for himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:57] Yeah, I just, there's stuff you can, there's stuff you can definitely argue with, with this

[1:40:01] movie, and I would not, uh, think less of you for arguing it.

[1:40:08] But, for, uh, a movie experience to go in and watch a 70mm Quentin Tarantino's film,

[1:40:16] it was transporting to me for the length of the movie.

[1:40:19] I was engrossed in a way that I'm often not going to see a movie.

[1:40:23] And so, I liked The Hateful Eight a lot.

[1:40:27] And that's what I have to say.

[1:40:29] Elliot?

[1:40:30] Oh, uh, um.

[1:40:31] I was cuing you, but.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:32] I'm going to recommend, uh, this movie called Eight Hateful Guys.

[1:40:36] No, I'm sorry.

[1:40:37] Eight Heads and Duffel Bay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:38] No, this isn't.

[1:40:39] Weird, that's a bad choice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:40] Uh, I didn't see anything recently that I particularly loved.

[1:40:43] I saw Eight, Eight, Hateful Eight, and I thought, and I liked it, but I didn't love it.

[1:40:46] And I had very high hopes for Carol, and was actually really disappointed in that.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:51] I liked it quite a lot, but I found it a little slower than I hoped.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:54] It was quite slow, which is not a bad thing, but, well, we can talk about it after, but

[1:40:58] it was interesting.

[1:40:59] I actually.

[1:40:59] I think it's very good.

[1:41:00] I think it's very good.

[1:41:01] Once I read the, it feels like that is a movie about an older woman who is kind of, who is

[1:41:08] looking for someone that she can feel in love with and finds this woman who is just kind

[1:41:12] of like following along.

[1:41:14] But the story in the book I found out later is about a younger woman who is, becomes kind

[1:41:18] of obsessed with this older woman as she falls in love with her.

[1:41:22] And they create a relationship later.

[1:41:24] But it felt like, the movie felt unbalanced, and it wasn't until I read about the way the

[1:41:28] book was done that I was like, oh, that's why the movie felt unbalanced to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:31] So it gives another character more agency.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:34] Kind of.

[1:41:35] And also in that, like, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara are just not on the same level in

[1:41:40] some ways.

[1:41:41] So, I was just drawn to Cate Blanchett throughout the movie res.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:45] She's got a real dude.

[1:41:47] She's got a real man.

[1:41:49] It must have been her favorite.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:49] I will say though, I mean like, if I, if I had seen Carol later than The Hateful Eight,

[1:41:54] I probably would have recommended Carol.

[1:41:56] Like, it's just a matter of what's, what's newer in my mind.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:59] I think with Carol, I had, my expectations were, were pretty high.

[1:42:03] Yeah.

[1:42:03] Were very high.

[1:42:04] But anyway, so I'm going to recommend, I think the Eddie Murphy movie that I used to watch

[1:42:08] all the time as a kid, which was not the golden child, but which was Coming to America, which

[1:42:13] was an enormous hit for him.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:15] And only a few, only a couple years later.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:18] Yeah.

[1:42:18] Only, it was kind of like a return to form for him.

[1:42:20] And what's weird is that I came to know Eddie Murphy through that movie, not as a human being,

[1:42:25] not personally, but like.

[1:42:26] Yeah, you're not best friends with him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:27] Not anymore.

[1:42:28] But that's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:28] They're friends, but not best friends.

[1:42:30] But not best friends.

[1:42:30] You know, you drift, you drift apart from people over time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:33] Yeah, when you get married, he won't be the best man at your wedding.

[1:42:36] I mean, I was married and he wasn't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:37] Wait.

[1:42:38] What are we talking about?

[1:42:40] But that was the movie that as a kid I saw the most.

[1:42:44] And so when I saw, after that was when I saw like Beverly Hills Cop in Trading Places

[1:42:48] and I was like, it's weird that he's playing this type of character all of a sudden.

[1:42:51] That he's not playing an African prince anymore.

[1:42:54] Like it was, my image of Eddie Murphy was formed through that movie.

[1:42:56] It wasn't racist.

[1:42:58] No, but like he, that movie was very much him trying to play a different type of comedy

[1:43:02] character.

[1:43:03] Yeah.

[1:43:03] So it was just weird that that's the one I associated him with because that's what I saw

[1:43:06] as a kid.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:06] But like, I mean, like coming to America, like his character, his persona is a lot sweeter

[1:43:11] than his like normal persona, which is like sort of like lovable, cocky asshole.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:17] Yeah.

[1:43:17] But it's, there's a lot of funny stuff in it.

[1:43:19] I find myself holding in my head a lot.

[1:43:22] Well, you know, just throughout the day and singing the song for Soul Glow, the hair gel

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:27] that is featured in it.

[1:43:29] And to this day, the like TV edit, the Comedy Central edit, where the scene where he's out

[1:43:35] on the balcony shouting, forget you too.

[1:43:39] Every time.

[1:43:40] I remember that any time I think about saying fuck you to somebody or just any time somebody

[1:43:45] says forget you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:46] Which happens all the time.

[1:43:48] But that's the way I have to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:49] Every time you think of the regular edit for CeeLo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:52] Which is often.

[1:43:55] Often in my thoughts.

[1:43:57] So I'm going to say coming to America.

[1:43:59] And maybe live a little bit of how I lived when I was a kid.

[1:44:03] All right.

[1:44:03] So I guess eat a bowl of Cheerios while you're watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:07] Like regular style?

[1:44:08] Because those smell so bad.

[1:44:11] Cheerios?

[1:44:11] Yeah, regular Cheerios make your breath smell really bad.

[1:44:14] I was a kid.

[1:44:14] I didn't care.

[1:44:15] Who was I kissing?

[1:44:16] Nobody.

[1:44:17] No, but you don't have any respect for the people around you?

[1:44:19] I was a kid.

[1:44:20] Of course I didn't.

[1:44:20] You don't have any respect for the people around you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:24] If I had any respect for the people around me, I wouldn't eat these Cheerios.

[1:44:28] I'd be eating Crispix.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:30] But no, I hate everybody.

[1:44:31] For Greek Nuts, maybe.

[1:44:33] So by the way, that was the third time that Archie tried to jump into Elliot's lap.

[1:44:38] This whole episode.

[1:44:39] That's the warmest lap.

[1:44:40] He loves the most allergic one of us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:43] Hey, CLWarmL.

[1:44:46] Cats love warm laps.

[1:44:48] That was my rap name.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:49] But we should sign off for this.

[1:44:54] Old, double, supersized.

[1:44:56] Probably super weird episode of the podcast.

[1:44:59] We're all going to die.

[1:45:00] This Frankenstein's monster episode of the show.

[1:45:05] I hope it was easy to listen to.

[1:45:08] Easier than it was to record.

[1:45:10] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:45:11] And I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:13] I think I'm still Ellie Calum, but I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:15] Oh, thank God.

[1:45:16] Good night, everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:18] Boy, oi, oi, oi.

[1:45:19] Every time Danielle and I finish watching a very serious or tragic movie at home, like we were

[1:45:31] watching Spotlight on the screener we got sent, whenever it's over, I wait till the credits

[1:45:35] start and then I just press fast forward and I go, gotta check, see if they put any bloops

[1:45:38] in here.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:39] On this episode, we discussed, we discussed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:43] I'm disgusted.

[1:45:44] By how you screwed that up.

[1:45:46] We're talking about the golden child.

[1:45:47] Okay.

[1:45:48] Just click, drag it over to the garbage can I got.

[1:45:51] And release.

[1:45:52] And, yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:53] Into the ether with thee.

[1:45:55] Listeners sent us letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:09] Now we're gonna read them as Stuart goes to get another beer.

[1:46:13] Killing time right now as Stuart gets that beer.

[1:46:17] So gather round here and listen and hear to what I'm saying as Stuart goes in.

[1:46:23] He's opening up that beer.

[1:46:27] And now the song is done.

[1:46:29] Seamless.

[1:46:32] Maximumfun.org.

[1:46:34] Comedy and culture.

[1:46:35] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:36] Listener supported.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:37] If you've ever laughed at the Brits for the way they say schedule or Americans for the

[1:46:41] way we keep seeing Jesus in our food, join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters, a transatlantic

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:46] panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against each other

[1:46:51] in a deadly Skype-based pop culture battle royale.

[1:46:55] Every two weeks or fortnightly as they say in Britain like they're better than us.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:59] Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org.

Category	Description	Start	End	Duration
castlefreak	stuart is part of the story now	1:29:49	1:32:05	2:16
lettersong	Golden Child with listener music	1:45:59	1:46:30	0:31

Ep. #195 - The Golden Child

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