Ep. #195 - The Golden Child

[0:00] Before we start tonight, just a warning, the sound quality dips for a while in this episode for reasons that will later become clear.

[0:12] But stick with it. Everything works out in the end.

[0:15] On this episode, we discuss our contest winner selection, the Golden Child.

[0:23] You know, no one's ever lost money investing in golden children.

[0:27] You have a pamphlet about this?

[0:28] I do. Are you elderly and easily fooled?

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flop House. I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:00] Oh, hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[1:03] And I'm Elliot Kalin. That was a real SNL cast member. Oh, I didn't realize you were looking at me. Introduction.

[1:10] Yeah. If we sound any different, it's not just because it is now 2016.

[1:15] We're a little older, a little wiser.

[1:18] Wait, just for one.

[1:20] We're recording on my MacBook, my new MacBook, because my old one suddenly has decided that it doesn't want to open up GarageBand.

[1:31] And we're recording on a totally new version of GarageBand that, like most Apple updates, is totally different and totally inexplicable to users of the previous version.

[1:41] So is this not a paid sponsorship plug?

[1:43] It is not.

[1:45] Let me also complain about how my new MacBook has only one input, and it's the same input you charge from as you use for the USB port.

[1:55] And you have to use a USB port adapter.

[1:58] So luckily, this computer was totally charged, or else maybe we wouldn't have had an episode tonight.

[2:04] Furthermore, Mr. Apple, this supposed MacBook Air is unbreathable.

[2:08] Furthermore, Mr. Apple, you can fuck right off.

[2:12] Wow, I mean you can always buy different brands' products.

[2:14] No, they're great.

[2:16] You have to understand, Elliot, his wallet isn't big enough to hold two different MacBooks.

[2:22] What?

[2:24] Because he's so wealthy with MacBooks.

[2:26] I don't understand what you just said.

[2:28] I'm just saying that's a common problem, that somebody has way too many MacBooks.

[2:31] Is it?

[2:32] Is that a problem?

[2:33] Yeah, apparently it is today.

[2:37] Is this some sort of King Midas situation where people touch everything and they turn to MacBooks?

[2:43] Why is he touching everything at this point?

[2:45] Doesn't he know the fucking gypsy's curse at this point?

[2:48] King Midas, it's not a gypsy's curse.

[2:50] I mean, if you're living, you're pretty much touching things.

[2:53] King Midas was a very handsy king.

[2:55] What if he's in a sensory deprivation tent?

[2:58] Let me tell you.

[2:59] It's not like the molecules turn into tiny little baby MacBooks.

[3:02] Let me tell you.

[3:03] There's one thing he's touching that turned into a MacBook.

[3:05] You know what I'm talking about.

[3:07] What?

[3:08] I don't understand.

[3:09] Hey, everyone out there, you know what I'm talking about.

[3:12] No, don't respond to it.

[3:14] One thing you're touching, one thing you can't keep your hands off of.

[3:18] Do you think that was King Midas?

[3:19] It turned into a matchbox.

[3:21] The little match girl has sold these terrible matchboxes.

[3:26] Matchbox cars.

[3:27] 20 of them.

[3:29] Do you think the last straw for King Midas was when he was like,

[3:32] well, it's the only solace I have left, and started masturbating and turned his penis gold?

[3:35] That's what I'm saying, yeah.

[3:37] And then gold semen spurted out and immediately froze in a fountain like a cartoon.

[3:44] What cartoon are you watching where that happens, dude?

[3:47] What kind of Ralph Bakshi crap is this?

[3:53] That is not a cartoon I want a child to be watching.

[3:55] I guess we are talking about gold, though, right?

[3:57] Speaking of gold and golden children, yes, Stuart, you're right, and Dan, you're right.

[4:01] Dan, we watched a contest entry today, and that's why.

[4:05] We watched the movie chosen by the winner of a contest.

[4:08] I explained it well enough, which is why we watched an older movie tonight.

[4:13] Yeah, that's right.

[4:14] All the way from the ancient decade known as the 80s,

[4:19] described at the top of the movie as the present day.

[4:24] Which confused me at first, because it did not look like 2016.

[4:28] I mean, it didn't even look like the 80s, since it said it was present day in a Tibetan monastery in the mountains.

[4:33] Yeah, let me just back up for a second and specify this.

[4:37] Thomas Horstman, one...

[4:42] Brother of Bojack Horseman.

[4:43] I hope that you didn't hear that on the podcast.

[4:46] But you'll reference it.

[4:49] There's a coaster hitting the ground. Continue, Dan.

[4:51] A Swedish tin coaster with dogs on it hitting it around and making a clattering noise.

[4:57] They're normally stacked carefully next to his pile of MacBook Airs.

[5:01] Which he also uses as coasters.

[5:03] It's just like in Fateful Findings.

[5:05] There's just MacBook Airs all over the table, and he sweeps them off.

[5:08] Yeah, that's right. It's MacBook Airs all the way down.

[5:10] But Thomas Horstman won Stuart's contest challenge.

[5:16] Poorly defined contest of the autumn.

[5:18] Actually one of the better defined contests.

[5:20] Design a choking victim poster for his bar.

[5:26] About how to choke victims.

[5:27] I will open someday in the future, years from now, when we're all wearing fucking space boots.

[5:32] We'll listen to this episode together around a roaring space fireplace.

[5:35] Yeah, someday, Stuart.

[5:36] And think, ha ha ha, his bar's been open for years.

[5:39] What a ridiculous notion that it wouldn't open.

[5:41] You don't have to keep that laser blaster in your mouth anymore, Stuart.

[5:45] Wait, why are you suicidal in the future?

[5:49] That's what's crazy.

[5:53] I mean clearly we're all bitter about something.

[5:55] I'm bitter about MacBook. Stuart's bitter about his bar.

[6:00] I mean –

[6:01] Well, I just had a lot of Brussels sprouts for lunch, so that was pretty bitter.

[6:04] You got a bitter taste in your mouth.

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] You washed it down with that bottle of Malort.

[6:08] What is Malort? Is that some kind of alien drink?

[6:10] Ask your buddy John Hodgman about that.

[6:12] Or you could tell me.

[6:13] It's a very herbal liquor.

[6:16] See, you've got to understand, Dan.

[6:18] Elliot's trying to beef up, get a little – put a little more meat on those bones,

[6:21] and he heard about these mussels from Brussels.

[6:24] Oh, I see.

[6:26] That's exactly what happened, yeah.

[6:28] I heard about the muscle-building, weight-gaining power of Brussels sprouts.

[6:33] Yeah, but you want the miracle fruit.

[6:36] But the miracle about it, not actually a fruit.

[6:39] Despite the fact that it looks like a tiny cabbage, it's not a fruit.

[6:43] Despite a cabbage not causing fruit.

[6:46] It's not a fruit.

[6:48] That's my favorite flavor of sorbet.

[6:51] Tiny cabbage?

[6:53] Yeah.

[6:54] Hold me close to the tiny cabbage.

[6:57] He was such a great tap dancer, Tiny Cabbage.

[7:01] When he started in those tap-dancing-themed mystery movies in the 30s.

[7:06] R.I.P., Tiny Cabbage.

[7:08] So there was a contest to design a how-to-save-a-choking-victim poster for Stuart's upcoming barn.

[7:14] The winner sent us a few options of what we could watch for a movie.

[7:20] And Dan, of course, tried to eliminate any of the ones that seemed fun, but did he fail?

[7:25] Maybe.

[7:27] Typically we ask for a spectrum so we can find something that we haven't seen already.

[7:33] In this case, Stuart had definitely seen The Golden Child before, but as a child himself.

[7:38] As a golden child.

[7:40] Forgotten to him.

[7:42] So now I don't remember the movie since we just watched it.

[7:45] Watching it again, I realize I remember every moment of this movie.

[7:48] Really?

[7:49] Yeah.

[7:50] Five stars.

[7:51] Watching it again, you realize it was the seminal moment of your life.

[7:54] It all comes back to this.

[7:55] It defined every aspect of my personality.

[7:57] It was a real usual suspect's moment.

[7:59] That leather cylinder hat around all over.

[8:02] There is so many hats in this movie.

[8:04] A wealth.

[8:05] Now, The Golden Child, is it a sequel or a prequel to Golden Girls?

[8:09] Is it the four girls when they're kids, like a Muppet Babies?

[8:13] It is the sequel.

[8:14] It is the child that is birthed from their union.

[8:17] That night all four of them got drunk and one of them, I'm assuming Rose, ended up pregnant.

[8:22] Why do you assume Rose?

[8:23] Well, Sophia is too old.

[8:25] Is it because of her libidinous attitude?

[8:27] Well, that'd be Blanche.

[8:28] Oh, my God.

[8:29] Oh, I'm going to self-terminate.

[8:31] Oh, no, you're self-terminating.

[8:34] Stuart, at least let one of us terminate you.

[8:37] Yeah, so we can say we had the experience.

[8:39] I can't believe I mixed up Rose and Blanche.

[8:41] You mixed up Blanche Devereaux with Rose.

[8:44] I don't remember her last name.

[8:46] Rose is Rose.

[8:48] Oh, my God.

[8:49] She's aged so horribly from the cartoon strip.

[8:52] So, The Golden Child, should we talk about people who are not familiar with this movie?

[8:56] And how could you not be?

[8:57] I mean, it was a huge hit.

[8:58] It was a smash hit.

[8:59] It was a hit.

[9:00] This was, as Dan put it while we were watching it, the movie that taught Eddie Murphy the lesson,

[9:03] he can make a lot of money without trying to be funny.

[9:06] I don't even know if this is a flop because according to Amazon or whatever, it was like four and a half stars,

[9:11] which is probably in line with the critical consensus.

[9:13] Yeah, I mean, it's looked on as a critical failure.

[9:18] Did either of you guys check out Rotten Tomatoes?

[9:20] I did not, no.

[9:22] I didn't either.

[9:23] I just wanted to say that.

[9:24] Dan, cut that part out.

[9:25] Okay.

[9:26] Snip.

[9:27] So, but this was a movie.

[9:28] Eddie Murphy was on a hot streak.

[9:30] Everything was looking up for Eddie Murphy.

[9:32] Every child he touched was turned to gold.

[9:35] He had his Murphy's Oil soap fortune.

[9:37] Yeah, the beds that he had invented that fold into walls, those were doing well.

[9:42] And, of course, the law he had passed.

[9:44] Of course, RoboCop was named.

[9:47] They cut that part out in post.

[9:49] What's your name, son?

[9:51] Eddie Murphy.

[9:53] What should RoboCop's name be, son?

[9:55] Murphy.

[10:00] Nice Gumby impression, son.

[10:01] What's your name?

[10:02] Murphy.

[10:04] So but this was a movie that this came right after I'm looking online.

[10:08] This came out right after Beverly Hills Cop.

[10:10] So they knew he could do action.

[10:12] And this was an action script that had been floating around for a while.

[10:15] But just like Beverly Hills Cop was originally an action script.

[10:17] Yeah. Yeah.

[10:19] That was for Frank Stallone.

[10:20] And this was originally for Melbourne Gibson,

[10:24] and it was written by a guy whose previous credit was

[10:28] just one of the guys perhaps known to me as a 13 year old

[10:32] as the world's most efficient deliverer of boobs at the end.

[10:37] Wait, boobs at the end?

[10:38] Yeah, boobs at the end.

[10:41] There's no boobs until the end.

[10:44] No, here's what you do.

[10:45] You find out what time it's playing and then you start watching an hour

[10:48] and 20 minutes in.

[10:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:50] You buy a ticket to the showing at the movie theater.

[10:53] I had HBO do it. You buy a ticket.

[10:56] Wait, hold on.

[10:56] It's the home box office.

[10:58] I have to object.

[10:59] Any movie is inefficient.

[11:00] Any any boobs containing movie is an efficient boobs delivery system.

[11:04] As soon as you know when the boobs are going to come on.

[11:06] It's so much easier to know when the boobs are happening

[11:08] because you can basically back time it from the end of the movie.

[11:11] But when you were a little kid, how did you find out the the timestamp?

[11:14] Did you like check the peddler's post or something?

[11:19] Yeah, exactly.

[11:20] No, but it was I wouldn't say efficient.

[11:23] I would say it's an excellent delivery system because it being

[11:27] it was a movie that for whatever reason would play on, say, HBO during the day.

[11:31] A lot. Yeah.

[11:32] Well, because there's no other reason.

[11:33] It's all because it's charming.

[11:35] Any adult would get bored with the movie and stop watching before the end

[11:39] and be like, we can put this on during the day.

[11:41] There's no boobs in this.

[11:42] Yeah. Missing the part at the end with the aforementioned twice boob.

[11:46] That's how you sneak them in.

[11:48] Well, because it's

[11:50] filmmakers, the future

[11:53] if you're trying to get kids to see a movie with boobs,

[11:56] put them at the end.

[11:57] I don't know why you're doing it.

[11:59] Seems kind of creepy.

[12:00] I mean, the marketing strategy for the movie, like the poster showed

[12:04] the lead covering her boobs of two football helmets.

[12:07] Yeah. So you're just assuming you're going to see.

[12:09] I mean, I don't know. You're going to need those helmets.

[12:12] It's the day of the big game.

[12:15] I mean, it was a PG movie, but it was also a PG movie in the days of like

[12:18] pretty great Sheena, where like

[12:21] Tonya Roberts could be bathing in a river for a long time.

[12:24] Yeah. Or I mean, what did the APA ban that?

[12:31] Dangerous levels of Tonya Roberts now.

[12:34] Tonya Roberts, he was such a good dancer.

[12:38] You drink the water, little Roberts get inside your system.

[12:42] Oh, no. Do you have a little Roberts?

[12:44] Would you like to have a drink of this?

[12:48] Speaking of drinking water, there's a scene involving

[12:50] glass of water in this movie, which was directed by Michael Ritchie,

[12:54] who directed a number of good movies, which directed Smile, which I like.

[12:58] Right.

[13:00] Yeah. Fletch.

[13:02] Fletch, another movie I know I saw as a kid and I have next to no memory of,

[13:07] you know, I mean, it's if you can disregard all of the irritating people

[13:11] who quote Fletch a lot, it's a pretty funny movie.

[13:13] Oh, and he did Downhill Racer, which is a fantastic movie.

[13:16] Yeah. I think you recommend that on the show.

[13:17] Yeah, yeah, I did.

[13:19] Yeah. So he was and of course, cops and Robertson's.

[13:22] Right. There's that, too.

[13:25] You should probably stop scrolling.

[13:29] I'm sure his career only gets better the later it gets.

[13:32] Most directors, right.

[13:33] I mean, what? Martin Scorsese and everyone else.

[13:37] I mean, Martin Scorsese, you chose a director that's still fairly vital.

[13:40] That's what I'm saying.

[13:41] That's George Miller, 70 and making fairly vital stinker.

[13:44] He has a movie every year.

[13:46] That was the example of someone who should not use as an example

[13:49] what happens to most elderly directors.

[13:51] Yeah, yeah.

[13:52] Usually they're like Clint Eastwood and they disappear and stop making movies.

[13:56] Um, that's fine.

[13:58] No, no, I'm sorry. I meant Woody Allen.

[14:00] I mean, there was a decline there.

[14:02] We can agree on that one.

[14:03] But then a resurgence and then a declining decline again.

[14:05] So The Golden Child, it's a mystical, vaguely mystery.

[14:11] So the movie begins with no dialogue for like 20 minutes.

[14:14] There's a long sequence in the beginning with no dialogue set,

[14:17] as Stuart mentioned, in the present in Tibet, as a caption tells us,

[14:20] where there's a magic kid who chooses an object from a tray.

[14:25] The movie should have been called That Magic Kid.

[14:27] Follow that magic kid. Catch that kid.

[14:30] That's what they want to do. The whole movie.

[14:32] He's in Tibet.

[14:33] It's clear that he's the reincarnation of some hoity toity monk.

[14:36] And he uses his magic to turn a dead parrot into a monk.

[14:41] He's so great.

[14:42] This monk thinks he's so enlightened.

[14:45] He touches a parrot that's dead and makes it come to life again with the.

[14:49] He also takes some old monk's necklace.

[14:51] Yeah. Picking one from a tray.

[14:54] Yeah. He steals a monk's necklace.

[14:55] Well, yeah, it's clearly a trick.

[14:58] He's offered things on a tray to choose which one belong,

[15:01] which one belongs to him as their incarnation.

[15:03] He knows it's not any of the things on the tray.

[15:05] It's the necklace that the man bearing the tray is wearing.

[15:08] Oh, mm. Ah, oh,

[15:12] oh, yeah, there's trouble in paradise

[15:15] because it is the soundtrack Nicholas Cage

[15:20] as this as the soundtrack warns us as it turns awesome.

[15:24] There's a bunch of bad dudes coming through the snow who want to catch that kid.

[15:27] So this movie has kidnapped the president or getting the president

[15:31] back from being kidnapped.

[15:32] We had dudes. Oh, bad dudes. Yeah.

[15:34] Yeah. They're ninjas, right?

[15:35] There's monkey face ninja.

[15:37] There's there's kind of cling on face.

[15:39] There's like deformed face ninja who whose clothing choices

[15:42] throughout the movie are baffling.

[15:44] There's there's the biker of the apocalypse from Raising Arizona

[15:49] who is has a big forehead in this and doesn't talk.

[15:52] Yeah. And there's what was the other henchman?

[15:54] Just some. Oh, it's a big, big guy with a beard or something.

[15:57] But then a pointy hat.

[15:58] But they might as well be like the bikers from Weird Science who like

[16:02] they kind of are Wells.

[16:04] Right. And they're being led by, of course,

[16:08] Tywin Lannister.

[16:09] Charles Dan Charles Dan.

[16:11] So you may remember best.

[16:12] He's probably best known as the assassin from The Last Action Hero.

[16:14] Yeah, that's probably what he's best known for.

[16:16] Mr. Sightseye's contacts.

[16:20] OK. Yeah. Yeah.

[16:21] He's got the contact that looks like a gun sight.

[16:23] Mm hmm. Was that his character's name?

[16:25] Dan or Sightseye's contact?

[16:27] Is they going to trim that down?

[16:29] It's no they would have added.

[16:30] It's no goofier than his name in this movie, which is Sardo Numspa.

[16:34] I love that man.

[16:37] And so he works for Satan, essentially.

[16:40] And in a wordless opening, he and his henchmen kill all the monks

[16:43] and kidnap the kid in a cage.

[16:45] The kid touches one of the henchmen in the cage is like a giant grabby claw.

[16:48] It looks like a grabby claw at like an arcade

[16:51] that you'd use to try to get like a little teddy bear, but it's rage.

[16:53] You're never going to win anything with that.

[16:55] Yeah. It's the only way that they can catch that kid without touching that kid

[16:59] because touching that kid's bad news.

[17:01] And also he's got poison ivy all over him.

[17:04] And they're going to be itching all the way down that mountain.

[17:07] When the kid touches you, he turns you into a good guy.

[17:10] So you can't touch him if you're a bad guy.

[17:12] If you're a good guy, touch away.

[17:13] Touch that kid all you want.

[17:14] Go crazy.

[17:15] Touch him wherever.

[17:17] And they kidnap him.

[17:19] Cut to L.A., which is in the United States.

[17:21] And we know this because we see.

[17:23] But it's like it's like 40 years ago.

[17:25] I mean, it's the it's the 1980s.

[17:29] But we know that 40 years ago, we were recording this in 2021.

[17:33] In six years. Yeah.

[17:36] The it's, you know, it's America because there is a bewilderingly

[17:40] fast montage of L.A.

[17:42] street signs, American flags, crazy L.A.

[17:45] kooky characters and Eddie Murphy just gawking at stuff.

[17:48] And they there's one part where there are four shots

[17:50] of four different American flags in a row.

[17:52] And I thought that was amazing.

[17:55] Like it was such a Reagan time movie touch that it's like,

[17:59] do do do do do do do do do America, America, America, America.

[18:03] OK, on with the show.

[18:04] Like it was the equivalent of just having someone sing the Star

[18:07] Spangled Banner to kick the movie off.

[18:09] Enter our hero, Edward Murphy, who is a professional child finder.

[18:15] Is he's he's a guy who just goes around looking for lost or kidnapped children.

[18:20] And he he's he's the hero.

[18:23] And he's introduced to us shaming a man who is looking at a pornography

[18:27] magazine and a newsstand and the man who's harming no one,

[18:31] except for the fact that Eddie Murphy does not take to his choice of pornography.

[18:35] He's he's reading a magazine titled Chunky Asses.

[18:39] And frankly, I should be congratulated.

[18:42] Delayed. It's better.

[18:43] You're a break of the extreme assumption of what a beautiful woman.

[18:47] I don't know. He didn't pay for that magazine.

[18:49] It's not like he's at like a Barnes and Nobles reading manga in the aisles.

[18:53] So you're saying Eddie Murphy is about the child finder

[18:56] and some sort of newsstand detective?

[18:57] Yeah, like he paid for that magazine read away.

[19:00] Yeah, but he's ruining it for the next guy who actually wants to pay for it.

[19:03] His eye prints all over the mom and pop

[19:05] pornographers out there being put out of business by looky loos like this guy.

[19:10] That's his name. Looky loo.

[19:13] Such a good dancer. Anyway, so.

[19:19] Hey, everyone.

[19:20] So you may notice that there's no more crackling and clackling.

[19:24] And that's because I'm not spackling.

[19:27] That's because we noticed that that shit was happening.

[19:31] Our producer, Dan McCoy, eagle eyed that he has noticed

[19:34] that the waveform function, this is all technical speak, was de-goofified

[19:39] and he wanted to re-de-goofify it and make it unglagable.

[19:44] Yeah. And so we stopped recording. Right, Dan?

[19:48] Sort of. The lousy MacBook that I was talking about

[19:53] before. Again, not a paid sponsor spot, clearly.

[19:57] Was doing something super funky.

[20:00] We almost had a Babylon AD situation where this was a lost episode, but we had to stop.

[20:13] I troubleshooted a little more on my old Mac.

[20:17] Troubleshot.

[20:18] Got it working, so we're back on Mac classic.

[20:23] I fear the day when this computer dies, because then I don't know what we're going to do.

[20:27] Maybe get a MacBook instead of a Pro, it's a MacBook Air.

[20:31] Do they make those anymore?

[20:33] Well, we can get into the details of this off the air.

[20:38] Dude, you're getting Adele.

[20:42] Adele the singer.

[20:43] I was about to try and sing a song, but I don't know any.

[20:47] Skyfall.

[20:48] The point is we lost about maybe five to seven men of goofs.

[20:54] I'd say ten to twenty.

[20:57] What?

[20:58] A1 gold material.

[20:59] Oh boy.

[21:00] It was probably the funniest things we've ever said.

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:02] Oh boy.

[21:03] You would have been laughing.

[21:04] So, but it was all lost to the ether.

[21:06] You'll never know why we suddenly started talking about whether Benjamin Franklin convinced

[21:11] a microchip.

[21:12] That was good stuff.

[21:13] Yeah.

[21:14] Yeah.

[21:15] And so if we seem off our game for the rest of the episode, it's because of that.

[21:18] Yeah.

[21:19] Let's blame it on that this time.

[21:20] Pause.

[21:21] Drag this thing into your garbage bin and listen to it.

[21:25] Let's go to the garbage.

[21:28] Give it a weird echo.

[21:29] Climb inside your garbage can like Oscar.

[21:33] You can finally share this podcast with your friends on Oscar the Grouch and the cast of

[21:37] Samuel Beckett's Happy Days.

[21:40] The thing about Oscar the Grouch is he doesn't ever have to wear pants because he never sees

[21:44] the bottom half of his torso.

[21:45] He doesn't wear a shirt either.

[21:46] You could say that about all the Muppets.

[21:49] They're just puppets from the waist up and nothing from the waist down.

[21:52] That's great, dude.

[21:53] Except for Big Bird, who doesn't wear pants anyway.

[21:56] She can buy two pairs of jeans, max, and then they'll always have jeans that they can wear

[22:00] out after work.

[22:01] So you're thinking the Muppets walk to work, then take their pants off, there's no body

[22:09] underneath, and someone just sticks their hands up.

[22:11] By the way, two pairs of jeans, max, that's the other TJ, max, which is a reference to

[22:15] something I think we lost.

[22:16] Yes.

[22:18] We were talking about Thomas Jane, max, that led to Thomas Jefferson, max, Thomas Jefferson

[22:23] playing the Punisher, Stuart said Ben Franklin would make a great microchip, I said the character,

[22:29] not an actual microchip, you couldn't invent that.

[22:31] I thought that was hilarious.

[22:32] And now I guess people understand the reference.

[22:34] Yeah, that was a close note, Flophouse Goof for you.

[22:38] Enjoy that bloop.

[22:39] Enjoy this peek behind the head.

[22:41] The goof became a bloop.

[22:42] Oh, you're loving that.

[22:43] It's going crazy.

[22:44] That's like the worst variety headline, goof becomes bloop.

[22:52] X-ray, X-ray, goof becomes bloop.

[22:57] You're fired, Newsboy.

[22:58] Oh, my kids!

[22:59] You're a boy!

[23:00] By the way, we were...

[23:01] I'm a little bow-wow situation.

[23:02] What?

[23:03] I'm a super wealthy rapper and all these babes want me.

[23:04] Even though...

[23:05] Kid, does it mean my balls don't work, Gramps?

[23:18] I mean, that is what being a kid means.

[23:21] Skateboard's off.

[23:22] Skateboard.

[23:23] Oh, let me look at your skates board selection.

[23:24] Thanks, William Sapphire, for that proper pluralization.

[23:25] Skateboard.

[23:26] He's got one for each foot.

[23:27] Skateboard.

[23:28] Skateboard.

[23:29] Skateboard.

[23:30] Skateboard.

[23:31] Skateboard.

[23:32] Skateboard.

[23:33] Skateboard.

[23:34] Skateboard.

[23:35] And then you say, skateboard?

[23:36] That's just roller skates!

[23:37] But they're planks, though.

[23:38] Roller skates.

[23:39] Roller skis.

[23:40] Okay, what the fuck are we talking about?

[23:41] I gotta say...

[23:42] So somebody write an 80's CNA comedy called Roller Skis right now.

[23:44] I have to say, though, before this bloop happened, we were being so professional.

[23:55] There was a moment where my new cat, Archie, jumped up on Elliot's lap.

[23:59] You would never have known.

[24:00] And Elliot just shoved it down.

[24:03] Did not stop talking.

[24:05] Without looking at it, he just cleared it away.

[24:07] Just shoved it into my lap like Joe Pesci with Sharon Stone's head in a casino.

[24:10] As with most cats, Archie is drawn to the most allergic person in the room.

[24:16] The warmest crotch in the room.

[24:17] He can hear you.

[24:18] He's totally shamed by it.

[24:19] No, he's doing fine.

[24:20] If one of us had to be the center, warmest crotch in the room...

[24:24] If that was the name of the documentary about it...

[24:27] Fastest cat in the west, warmest crotch in the room.

[24:33] So, we were talking about...

[24:35] We were talking about...

[24:36] So we talked about the mystical opening.

[24:38] We talked about nothing in the movie.

[24:40] That's rude.

[24:41] We talked about how that magical kid was kidnapped by Charles Dance and a bunch of super mutants.

[24:48] Cut to America, LA style.

[24:52] It's Los Angeles, and you know it's America because we see a ton of American flags.

[24:55] And it plays itself.

[24:56] Jumping at the camera.

[24:57] LA is playing the shit out of itself.

[25:00] As we enter a montage that goes on for a couple minutes of just non-stop LA stuff.

[25:05] And every now and then, the smirking face of Eddie Murphy.

[25:08] The star of the film.

[25:10] The titular.

[25:11] The beheaded Eddie Murphy.

[25:13] And Stuart, could you describe a little bit Eddie Murphy's wardrobe?

[25:16] Because it really affected you.

[25:18] Well, while Eddie Murphy's in America, he exclusively...

[25:22] He came to America.

[25:23] He comes right to America.

[25:26] And he exclusively wears these sweatshirts with the hood cut off about halfway.

[25:30] So the hood becomes like some kind of...

[25:32] It's like a Doctor Strange type collar.

[25:34] Yeah, exactly.

[25:35] And over that sweatshirt...

[25:37] A Morvern collar.

[25:39] Over that sweatshirt, he means...

[25:43] Not a reference I expected anyone to make.

[25:46] I'm sorry, did you have the shirt in a Morvern collar?

[25:49] I'm sorry.

[25:51] I'm just staring blankly at Ben, not understanding the reference.

[25:54] He's slightly hurt.

[25:56] I want this shirt to sort of wander around with a lot of music playing.

[26:01] Wait until the Flophouse annotation page gets to it.

[26:04] So on top of that sweatshirt, of course, he's wearing a mid-calf length leather jacket.

[26:10] Because he needs something to match his weird...

[26:12] His flat leather cap that he wears all the time.

[26:16] Yeah, he's wearing a leather version of a Bellboy's cap.

[26:19] Yeah, Google the Golden Child in the movie poster.

[26:21] You'll see his fuckin' outfit.

[26:23] Just watch the fuckin' Golden Child.

[26:25] Oh wow, that's a strange recommendation at this point.

[26:28] On the poster, he is wearing the exact outfit that Stuart just described.

[26:32] Accurately painted by John Alvin.

[26:35] Anytime we describe a movie, we should just say,

[26:37] You know, just fuckin' watch it. That's what happens.

[26:40] Get back to us.

[26:42] Flick a cigarette at the listener.

[26:45] They explode.

[26:47] Oh no, they're covered in gasoline.

[26:50] Now, Eddie Murphy is a professional child finder.

[26:53] We have a job in this universe.

[26:55] In this universe, his job, exactly, is to find missing children.

[26:58] Who pays him? I'm not sure. Maybe he's independently wealthy.

[27:01] Does he get paid by the heroine of the movie?

[27:04] The female lead?

[27:06] He gets paid in the form of love.

[27:08] He gets paid in the form of heroin.

[27:11] And he's looking for a missing girl.

[27:13] He goes on a local public access show.

[27:15] It doesn't go well.

[27:17] It doesn't go well. The host is very inexperienced and not very good at it.

[27:20] In a scene that, I have to admit, I found kind of funny.

[27:23] There's a couple scenes in this movie that I found genuinely funny.

[27:26] And Eddie Murphy trying to describe the missing girl that he's out to find

[27:30] while this guy keeps cutting him off because he doesn't care.

[27:33] He wants to talk to the turtle lady.

[27:35] Who is a lady with a turtle, not a lady who looks like a turtle.

[27:38] This is not a Master of Disguise or Fisher Stevens type scenario.

[27:42] And there's a couple scenes like that.

[27:45] Weirdly enough, the scenes where Eddie Murphy is the foil,

[27:49] I find funnier than the scenes where Eddie Murphy is making jokes.

[27:53] In this movie, at least.

[27:55] You mean the scenes that feel like they were just written to be a normal scene in a movie

[27:58] and then all of a sudden they're like, just ad lib, a ton of shit.

[28:01] It's the difference between a movie where Eddie Murphy,

[28:04] where Beverly Hills Cop,

[28:07] where Eddie Murphy is like,

[28:11] sort of like deflating a real thing

[28:16] and a thing where Eddie Murphy has to react to a crazy thing.

[28:20] And I feel like it's more fun in this movie to see the crazy things happen around him.

[28:25] And yeah, he's the foil to it rather than he's the cool guy

[28:28] who's waltzing into this universe.

[28:31] Almost like how the Marx Brothers are better suited to go to an opera

[28:35] than to go to the circus.

[28:39] Like a goofy, silly thing that no one takes seriously.

[28:42] Except for the performers who take it very seriously.

[28:45] Especially if it's Cirque de Soleil.

[28:48] Circus sans fun.

[28:51] Circus sans fun.

[28:54] Hey, if you like seeing people hanging by their ankles from threads,

[28:57] go to Cirque de Soleil.

[29:00] Again, not a paid sponsor bit.

[29:03] What does Mr. Keene, tracer of lost persons, do next?

[29:07] Next, he manages to get seen on television by a mysterious woman

[29:11] who is studying a Tibetan scroll in a hotel.

[29:15] Probably related to the opening of the movie.

[29:18] She tracks him down and tells him he is the Chosen One,

[29:21] prophesied to find the Golden Child,

[29:24] who is prophesied to bring enlightenment to the world

[29:27] if he doesn't get killed first for his trouble.

[29:30] Who would want to kill a Golden Child?

[29:33] An evil man.

[29:37] Is there a reference to the movie who would kill a child?

[29:40] Probably not, Dan.

[29:43] My references are pretty much limited to comic books

[29:46] and naked horror movies.

[29:49] That's horror movies with naked people in them.

[29:52] Not like horror movies without additives.

[29:55] Yeah, not all I can say.

[30:00] no numspa, the villain of the piece, who was named by somebody who was put on the spot

[30:06] when the studio executive asked him, yeah, but what's the name of the villain in this

[30:08] movie?

[30:09] Sarto Numspa.

[30:10] They caught George Lucas while he was parking.

[30:11] George, George, what's the name of the guy?

[30:12] What's the name of the guy?

[30:13] George Lucas was making a list entitled alien names so bad even I wouldn't use them and

[30:26] he threw it in a garbage can and they found it.

[30:29] They're like, oh, we can either call him Sarto Numspa or Butt Brogue Dumbfart.

[30:33] Let's go with Sarto Numspa.

[30:35] So.

[30:36] Butt Brogue.

[30:37] So they're like, the second one's a little too Mad Magazine for us.

[30:38] A little obvious that you're not supposed to like him.

[30:39] Let's go with Sarto Numspa.

[30:40] Shit, he's a god of the road.

[30:41] The audience isn't sure.

[30:42] They have to decide for themselves whether to like or not the evil guy who kidnaps a

[30:43] child and is a demon.

[30:44] So.

[30:45] Like, I don't get it.

[30:46] Is Dumbfart the villain?

[30:47] No, he's the villain.

[30:48] He's the villain.

[30:57] He's the demon.

[30:58] So he kidnaps a child and is a demon.

[30:59] Like, I don't get it.

[31:00] Is Dumbfart a family member?

[31:01] Clearly!

[31:02] He is.

[31:03] They changed it afterwards at Ellis Island to make it sound less farty.

[31:09] Sure.

[31:10] Now, I was going to call him Dumbfart.

[31:13] Now, Trim Spah, Numspa is holding the kid hostage with his own evil monks, in a warehouse

[31:20] somewhere.

[31:21] Eddie Murphy is approached by this woman.

[31:23] She says, you're the chosen one.

[31:24] He's like, you're crazy.

[31:26] This conversation happens three or four more times, where Eddie Murphy is confronted with

[31:31] an ever greater amount of proof that this thing exists, where that magic is happening.

[31:35] He sees a magic.

[31:37] He sees the golden child astral project to him along with a magic parent.

[31:41] He what else?

[31:43] He talks to a mysterious prophesying snake woman in the basement of a Chinatown, I don't

[31:49] know, massage shop, some kind of place.

[31:51] It's like a traditional medicine place that James Hong is running, and each time he's

[31:57] like, you're crazy, that's crazy, this is crazy, until...

[32:01] That's the Scully problem from X-Files, which is like, well, at what point do you just accept

[32:06] that crazy stuff?

[32:07] Yeah, do you gotta take a shower in fucking black oil?

[32:09] How many times do you have to be kidnapped and impregnated by an alien?

[32:13] Come on, Dana.

[32:14] Get with the program.

[32:15] Fight the future, Dana.

[32:16] Dana, what do I have to do to get you to fight the future?

[32:21] Come on, Dana, there is no Dana, there's only Zulu.

[32:24] Yeah, yeah, man.

[32:26] You got your Danas mixed up.

[32:28] Yeah, man.

[32:31] Dig it.

[32:33] Yeah, out of sight.

[32:35] So, they team up anyway, and they track down a motorcycle gang called the Yellow Dragon

[32:41] Gang, which lives in the bad part of town.

[32:43] They're not so bad, they don't get TV receptions that they can watch rat music videos.

[32:47] They're not as dangerous as the Apple Duplicate Gang.

[32:52] So, they all hang out in one house where one guy has a motorcycle, and they're all watching

[32:56] TV.

[32:57] I was impressed by Stewart that I said, oh, what's this heavy metal band?

[32:59] And he goes, probably Rat, and they looked it up using the lyrics from the movie, it

[33:03] was Rat.

[33:04] Totally Rat.

[33:05] Yeah, the trademark is totally Rat.

[33:08] Now, Eddie Murphy says, lady, you stay in the car.

[33:12] Already he's tried to hit on her and she's denied him.

[33:15] You stay in the car, I'm going to go deal with these guys and find out what they did

[33:18] with the girl that I was looking for who's turned up dead.

[33:22] Yeah, he's like, this is my job, I don't want, you know, you're not really covered

[33:26] under my insurance plan.

[33:28] He first sneaks into the backyard of a family having a barbecue, confronts them with a gun

[33:33] and steals one of their potato chips, and then leaves.

[33:36] You made that scene sound like it didn't take way too long.

[33:40] It goes on for much too long.

[33:42] The way that scene seemed like it was a really aggressive hold up, like, give me all your

[33:46] potato chips, whereas it was just a gag.

[33:49] No, a stranger showing up with a gun is never aggressive.

[33:52] From the family's point of view, they were in danger.

[33:55] There's children there, dude.

[33:57] They don't know he's a child finder.

[33:59] He's like, found two more, gotta go.

[34:02] Look, if this movie was taking place...

[34:04] Boom, boom, count them.

[34:05] Is he just shooting, though, what he's saying?

[34:08] That's just what he says when he puts them up on his big board.

[34:11] What is it?

[34:12] Does he have, like, a torch or something?

[34:14] Put some kids on a big board?

[34:17] Yeah, he's got a t-shirt cannon.

[34:20] That's right.

[34:21] It's packed full of small-sized kids' shirts.

[34:24] He goes in, gets beaten up and tied up.

[34:27] That's when his lady friend walks in.

[34:29] Her name is...

[34:31] What was her name?

[34:32] I don't know, Mystic McCruel.

[34:34] Okay, Mystic McCruel.

[34:36] Her name is Keenang.

[34:38] So, Keenang walks in one at a time,

[34:41] just beats up all these bikers.

[34:42] Annihilates them.

[34:43] Like, Scott Thompson, the biker shows up, the fighter.

[34:46] One of the bikers is totally old, drunk Scott Thompson.

[34:49] He gets his ass handed to him.

[34:51] And it's only after that that she kicks a guy through a wall,

[34:54] which bursts a pipe, which sprays her with water,

[34:57] so she has a wet t-shirt now.

[34:58] In maybe the most 80s moment I've ever seen in a movie.

[35:01] The only way it could have been more 80s is if...

[35:04] I don't know, like...

[35:06] Schwarzenegger burst through the wall and deployed a one-liner.

[35:10] Or like Ronald Reagan literally walked into the movie

[35:12] and said, I'm the president right now,

[35:14] and then walked out again.

[35:15] Well, I approve of this shirt, you know.

[35:17] She defeated him by throwing Rubik's Cubes at him.

[35:20] You know.

[35:21] And then Ted teamed up with a Teddy Ruxpin.

[35:23] That's her partner.

[35:24] Yeah, strangled him with a leg warmer.

[35:28] By the way, that is all of my sexual fantasy.

[35:31] Strangling with a leg warmer.

[35:33] So...

[35:36] All these really tough bikers get dismantled.

[35:39] She lets Eddie Murphy loose and he goes fucking crazy.

[35:44] He finds out from one of the bikers

[35:46] that the girl he was looking for was sold by them

[35:49] to an evil Chinese restaurant owner for blood

[35:52] that was going to be used to feed to the Golden Child

[35:55] to make him impure and thus vulnerable to human weapons.

[35:59] That explains why that porch had blood in it.

[36:02] Yeah, because they're trying to feed it to him.

[36:04] And we all know Golden Children...

[36:05] Not because it's just delicious.

[36:06] Golden Children love porridge.

[36:08] It's like hiding broccoli in something.

[36:11] There's a little bit of blood in the porridge.

[36:13] It's like you're trying to teach someone to be a vampire, I guess.

[36:16] Yeah.

[36:17] They love porridge.

[36:18] They don't want to try the blood.

[36:19] Just slip it into their porridge.

[36:20] So Ellie, you have children.

[36:21] Yes, I have a child.

[36:23] So how do you feed Sammy blood?

[36:25] Yeah, how do you get him to eat blood?

[36:26] I mean, you gotta hide it.

[36:27] That's the thing.

[36:28] Just like they do in the movie.

[36:29] Because you want him to be able to be harmed by things of this earth.

[36:32] Right now, I have a Golden Child.

[36:34] That is expensive.

[36:36] A regular child...

[36:37] You want to have a cuter child than this.

[36:39] All of his Pepsi cans get turned into little dancing men.

[36:42] He can't turn those in for change.

[36:44] Stuart just described the best scene in the movie,

[36:47] which the movie briefly becomes Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

[36:50] In order to win over the Biker of the Apocalypse,

[36:53] who is a henchman who is very interested in the Golden Child,

[36:58] Yeah, he's a magical kid!

[37:00] I guess why wouldn't you be interested in him?

[37:03] He's inherently interested.

[37:05] He turns a Pepsi can into an animated man

[37:07] and has it dance around to Puttin' on the Ritz

[37:09] until Charles Dance smushes it.

[37:12] Because there's only one dance in this film.

[37:16] How dare you, young man!

[37:21] He finds out that...

[37:26] He talks to his overlord, who is the Devil,

[37:29] voiced by Frank Welker,

[37:31] which means the Devil sounds like Dr. Claw

[37:33] from Inspector Gadget.

[37:35] Dr. Claw tells him,

[37:37] you have to get this magic dagger

[37:39] that can kill the kid.

[37:41] Yeah, stop trying to feed this kid blood.

[37:43] That's fucking crazy.

[37:44] Get this magic dagger. It's super easy.

[37:46] He's like, that's gross.

[37:48] What are you doing? You're a weirdo.

[37:50] So he says, find this dagger.

[37:52] Tell the good guys you'll trade the kid for the dagger.

[37:54] Then when you have the dagger, stab the kid.

[37:56] Which means, these characters don't really understand

[37:58] how trades work.

[38:00] You both give up something, but what are you going to do?

[38:02] At the same time, he gets in touch with Eddie Murphy

[38:04] through his dream.

[38:06] Eddie Murphy has a weird dream that has a studio audience

[38:08] where Eddie Murphy is confronted by

[38:10] the bad guy and his henchmen

[38:12] who are dressed to get crazy.

[38:14] I think it's an okay scene.

[38:16] I think it's kind of fun.

[38:18] But is Charles Nance trying to make him a deal?

[38:20] I can't even remember.

[38:22] He explains what he wants

[38:24] out of the whole trade

[38:26] and then it also plays up Eddie Murphy's

[38:28] character's fantasies

[38:30] for the female.

[38:32] There's basically two things I remember about that

[38:34] dream sequence.

[38:36] There being an applause sign whenever

[38:38] Eddie Murphy makes a lame witticism

[38:40] and everyone laughs.

[38:42] And then the love interest shows up in a dress

[38:44] made out of toilet paper.

[38:46] It's kind of like a leather corset bustier.

[38:48] But she's not trash.

[38:50] Why is she covered in toilet paper?

[38:52] Do you wrap up your trash with toilet paper?

[38:54] It's a weird trash for Eddie Murphy's psyche.

[38:56] It was like

[38:58] Charles Nance just showed up in Eddie Murphy's subconscious

[39:00] and was like, I guess this is what I have to work with.

[39:02] This is weird.

[39:04] And they

[39:06] slash open Eddie Murphy's arm.

[39:08] He's pretty calm about it.

[39:10] And then he wakes up

[39:12] and his arm is slashed and goes,

[39:15] This is just a dream.

[39:17] This is just a dream.

[39:19] I've seen a bunch of magic shit, but I don't believe in magic still.

[39:21] If they asked me, do you believe in magic?

[39:23] Well, I hope you do. I'd say, stop hoping

[39:25] because I don't believe in magic, sir.

[39:27] You know, when it comes to dreams

[39:29] he seems pretty calm to be having

[39:31] a really in-depth conversation

[39:33] in his dream.

[39:35] I feel like if I had that complex of an interaction

[39:37] in a dream, I would pretty much assume

[39:39] it's not a dream at that point.

[39:41] I don't know. I have pretty complicated dreams.

[39:43] You have conversations that you can recall

[39:45] all the details of

[39:47] if you were to make a deal with somebody in your dream

[39:49] before they burn your arm.

[39:51] There's got to be some law that says I cannot be held liable

[39:53] for a deal I make in a dream.

[39:55] Yeah, you would think, right?

[39:57] But he made a deal.

[39:59] Take me to sleep court.

[40:00] is Nepal gotta go to Tibet to get this magic dagger

[40:03] and let me tell you Nepal is not authentically recreated on set so

[40:08] there's some really great there's a really great shot of the plane flying

[40:11] and the plane seems kind of in the like it seems

[40:14] it's way in the top of the shot it's just a really interestingly

[40:18] it's almost like they stumbled on a shot of a mountain that accidentally got some

[40:20] plane in it

[40:21] yeah now the plane is also full of smoke from people smoking cigarettes

[40:25] livestock

[40:26] eating weird clothes yeah and hacking up loogies because

[40:29] that's a foreign country they're not gonna fly why are people eating weird clothes

[40:33] oh did I say weird clothes? and not weird food but the center of the joke

[40:37] is they're wearing weird clothes they're not American clothes like a classic

[40:40] hooded sweatshirt with the hood cut off a little bit

[40:43] every other hat every airplane scene the focus of the joke is that

[40:48] Eddie Murphy puts in headphones weird stethoscope headphones

[40:52] and he listens to music and he reacts to it it's just the headphones that were available in planes in the 80s

[40:56] were they? did they look like stethoscopes?

[40:58] I gotta believe but you remember those old airplane headphones that had like

[41:01] rubber projections that you had to stick into your ear? I didn't, like

[41:04] were you not a jet-setting kid like me? I was not a jet-setting kid

[41:08] oh okay I was not part of the Burger King jet-set kids club

[41:12] Burger King jet-set kids club?

[41:16] that's right okay what was the point? so you could fly places to meet the Burger King?

[41:20] fly to his fucking kingdom? I don't know, adventures

[41:23] like wheels would have you go fly places

[41:27] are you like a team of like jet-setting kids like Captain Plants?

[41:32] yeah we solve burger related mysteries like what kind of meat is this?

[41:36] yeah like did you combine ingredients? where did the sesame seeds come from?

[41:39] where did they come from? my analysis tells us some kind of sesame seed

[41:45] supplying company thanks a lot Brainiac

[41:49] now it's time for me the leader of the group because I'm blonde to figure out

[41:53] how to get out of here hey I'm the one black kid who's part of

[41:56] the gang what should I do? just stand there and make it okay for us to have

[41:59] all the other kids be white? I'm the girl yeah I'm gonna nag at you

[42:04] that's my job

[42:08] you're sexist Burger King kids club that's what I'm saying

[42:17] you've had it your way right away for too long

[42:22] people make apologies for Burger King they say I order fries every once in a

[42:26] while they sneak an onion ring in there that makes it worth it for Burger King

[42:29] to be super racist and sexist in their cartoon

[42:32] that's how they get away with it

[42:36] they used to be their logo Burger King we get away with it

[42:41] we get away with it here have this don't tell anyone

[42:44] now I don't know why we're spending all this time when we're forgetting that

[42:46] Victor Wong is in this movie Victor Wong and what's what's the name

[42:50] of the actor who played Egg Shen in Big Trouble in Wall China that's Victor Wong

[42:53] no wait well no no Victor Wong was uh

[42:58] Victor Wong is uh is the is the other guy but he was Lo Pan

[43:01] Lo Pan yeah you think you're thinking of James Hong

[43:04] oh my god

[43:08] look hey I'm going to I'm going to cut you some slack

[43:12] in that at this point in American movie history there were only two Chinese men

[43:16] in movies and their names rhymed and they were

[43:18] in all the same movies except James Hong was in a ton more

[43:22] movies I have to believe James Hong was in

[43:24] I mean he's his career lasted for 50 60 years I feel like anyway I'm a big

[43:30] fan of his and they're both great yeah they're

[43:34] both they're both equally great and equally

[43:37] Chinese is that what you're saying Stuart

[43:41] no but they are both super great they're like great character actors they're both

[43:45] super enjoyable they are and let's let's even remove

[43:47] character they're they're great actors and Victor Wong

[43:50] suddenly brings a lot of life to this playing a kind of like

[43:53] shambling kind of uh kind of one of those shambling

[43:58] hermits who is very like a little gross and a little like not what you'd

[44:04] expect an enlightened hermit to be basically

[44:07] every scene he's in becomes way more interesting yeah he's

[44:10] kind of like a non-puppet version of when you first meet Yoda in Empire

[44:14] Strikes Back yeah I know he pulls the Yoda which is

[44:17] in turn stolen from like like Asian uh like uh like kung fu movies where the

[44:24] yeah the master is like playing a secret fool or something a lot like

[44:29] yeah and now you shall learn but yeah no he like when he shows up he's

[44:34] the beggar guy who fucks over Eddie Murphy he sells Eddie Murphy a

[44:38] necklace for uh and steals a hundred dollars from

[44:41] Eddie Murphy and then disappears he sells he sells him the wrong

[44:44] necklace or is it the right necklace you'll never know and then he turns

[44:47] into a bird or something sometimes the necklace you want isn't the

[44:51] necklace you need

[44:55] that's what sales tells people when they are sold the wrong necklace by

[44:58] accident this isn't what you advertise they have

[45:01] a mysterious Chinese man come out and be like

[45:04] Daniel's training for the sales returns desk

[45:08] here if someone tries to return a necklace just tell them it's the

[45:11] necklace they need it's not the necklace they want

[45:13] play this mystical sound effect and then disappear

[45:17] you can do that right just leave your clothes behind I don't know just duck

[45:20] out of the counter how quickly can you get undressed

[45:24] here's my this is the length it takes this smoke bomb to disperse here's my

[45:28] tip sew all your clothes together and then

[45:31] put a zipper up the back or even better velcro so it's just one thing that you

[45:35] can rip off instantly and run away the smoke will fill their ears so they

[45:39] can't hear the ripping of the velcro see I started

[45:42] on this desk and now I'm CEO of the company

[45:45] Jonathan Zales is my name I changed it legally when I got the job

[45:49] it was part of the contract I had to do it

[45:52] that's right I also had to become gay I don't know why

[45:56] anyway it pays well so whatever see you later smoke bomb and then he just

[46:03] leaves velcro clothes behind he really was the CEO of Zales the

[46:07] whole time not just a crazy beggar man on the

[46:11] side of the road wipe out so so Eddie Murphy goes to a

[46:17] temple uh he has to get this dagger by going

[46:19] through a fairly lame trial of courage in which he walks across a pit on planks

[46:24] and then uh you magically drink some water which

[46:27] puts out some fire it's all complicated it's a it's a pretty

[46:32] lame scene with not very many effects and it it felt like they were relying

[46:36] pretty heavily on Eddie Murphy to kind of sell it

[46:38] just kind of ad lib his way through it and he does sell part of it and I have

[46:41] to end I mean you just glossed over the fact that

[46:43] the the scene of the movie like the thing that

[46:46] at least I remember as a child and I think most people remember

[46:50] is the scene where Eddie Murphy takes the spinning pillar

[46:54] and he says I want the knife for some reason which as a as a child

[47:01] was the funniest thing I've ever seen for some reason when you're when you're

[47:04] talking to these monks you've got to spin a pillar

[47:06] and kind of chant what you're saying to them and he

[47:10] does it in his own inimitable fashion and my

[47:13] as a child my pupils widened and I saw a future of hilarious things lying before

[47:18] me that I could laugh at and you said I can't wait till daddy daycare comes out

[47:23] uh but this is followed by I don't want to cut you off but I don't want to

[47:27] forget this is followed by a genuinely good scene yeah where Eddie

[47:32] Murphy talks a little bit to the monk that part's not so great

[47:35] but then we find out that the girl the only woman in the movie basically

[47:39] except for snake lady prophesier who's great because her body's made out of a

[47:44] snake we find out later her body is made out of a cobra snake that's enormous

[47:47] which is anyone who sees this and shrugs it off

[47:50] oh yeah is not impressed by this cobra woman but she we find out she is the

[47:54] daughter of this monk and they have like a genuinely touching

[47:59] conversation about the faults that eddie murphy's character

[48:02] has which are also the flip side of his strengths as a person

[48:05] and how she has fallen for him and the monk approves of that and that the two

[48:11] of that it's like a very sweet moment between these two people who are it

[48:15] feels like for like one scene they're acting in a totally different much more

[48:19] graceful subtle movie than we've been watching

[48:22] it's undercut a little bit by the fact that victor wong is wearing a

[48:25] hat that looks like a smurf hat yeah it's a red smurf hat

[48:29] yeah he stole it from bob smurf and enlarged it yeah

[48:34] imagine all i was gonna say but it was about the test it's like eddie

[48:40] murphy's like walking across posts and it's meant to evoke is it is it

[48:44] enter the dragon that has like the fight on top of like the post or

[48:47] i don't remember they all kind of blur in my head to be honest uh or it might

[48:51] even be multiple movies but i feel like that was a scene that you know for its

[48:55] fault was trying to um pay homage to these uh kung fu

[49:00] films in much the way it's much the same way that at the same time

[49:04] uh big trouble in little china was paying homage to these movies

[49:08] in a more successful way but like both of them like clearly

[49:12] love there's some kind of grounding in it yeah and now

[49:15] i remembered just now did we ever talk about the soundtrack for this movie is

[49:19] that in the stuff that got deleted this soundtrack it's great it's awesome

[49:24] it is the most 80s sound super 80s it's like as the movie opened

[49:29] in tibet present day the soundtrack kicks in

[49:32] and we're like immediately you can see the three of our faces brightens yeah

[49:37] they might as well have panned over to john carpenter in the corner playing a

[49:40] synthesizer yeah exactly it's like a great yeah

[49:43] synth and drums and i guess some guitar it felt a little

[49:47] bit yeah like you said like john carpenter is

[49:49] playing the the the score for romancing the stove

[49:54] uh so that's and it was around that time

[49:57] that uh i started to think

[50:00] There are certain things I like in this movie. This is not a good movie, but there are certain things I like, maybe more because it's like a big ball of 80s soundtrack and 80s special effects and like 80s nonsense.

[50:11] A lot of what's charming in this movie I don't know would be charming to anyone who did not grow up watching the movies that we grew up watching.

[50:18] That's true. In the same way that I was...

[50:20] And keep in mind, like, I think we've mentioned, but I watched this movie many, many times growing up.

[50:25] Yeah.

[50:26] It kind of was your, in a way, the parent you never had.

[50:30] Yeah. This, I was married to Ski Patrol, and they raised me to the child that I am today.

[50:38] Amazing. Now, they go back to America after a hilarious scene in which Eddie Murphy outwits the customs inspectors in Nepal by talking really loudly and pretending he's a government agent.

[50:49] In the most Beverly Hills Cop scene.

[50:52] It was totally Beverly Hills Cop. And, you know, for as stupid as it was, it's probably the funniest scene in the movie.

[50:58] Beverly Himalayas Cop.

[51:01] No, I agree. It was the funniest scene in the movie.

[51:03] Himalayas are like hills, but they're bigger.

[51:05] The hills have eyes. Maybe. They're so tall, who can see up there? They're mountains.

[51:10] They go back, and even though she is where... For a while, Eddie Murphy just hangs around a house with his new girlfriend, I guess, Key, who is just wearing a man's shirt with underpants on.

[51:24] Yeah, a boyfriend's shirt.

[51:25] And they have this dagger.

[51:28] Now, would you describe her as a Mary Sue type character?

[51:33] No, I don't think so. I feel like for a Mary Sue character, you have to be inserting it into a pre-existing narrative to a certain extent.

[51:40] Oh, okay.

[51:41] Where it's like, the X-Men are pretty cool, but this character I invented is going to turn out to be the coolest of them all.

[51:46] Yeah.

[51:47] Jubilee.

[51:48] Jubilee's awesome. Let's not go crazy. More of like a phantom X.

[51:52] One thing that's misunderstood, like, internet people, like, there's been a lot of bullshit Mary Sue talk surrounding the new Star Wars movie.

[52:01] Yeah, I'll get too worked up.

[52:03] Okay. But, like, the classic definition of a Mary Sue is also, like, an author surrogate being, like, inserted into the movie, where everyone, like, talks about...

[52:14] All the established characters talk about how cool this author surrogate is.

[52:17] Yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

[52:20] So I don't think it applies in a lot of ways.

[52:22] I don't think it applies. Like, she feels more like if Big Trouble in Old China, the Wayne character was female. Like, she's so much more confident than Eddie Murphy's character.

[52:31] Yeah.

[52:32] No, the joke is just that, yeah, the sidekick is the more confident one.

[52:37] Yes.

[52:38] Now, but she's not the chosen one. Sorry, prophecy says it has to be Eddie who does it.

[52:43] Now, I forgot to mention that they arrive back on American soil, and Nums, no, Numspa, yeah, Numspa is waiting for them with the cops.

[52:51] Sorry, Numspa.

[52:52] He's going to tell them that they stole the dagger from him, and Eddie Murphy says...

[52:56] There is no way the police would give a fucking shit at this point.

[53:00] Not at all.

[53:01] Like, some fucking dude shows up, he isn't even putting his arms through the sleeves of his fucking jacket, and he's like, guys, some people are coming into our nation.

[53:11] Into our nation.

[53:13] And they're like, you're English, Charles Dance.

[53:15] They're carrying a dagger that's mine. You need to give it back. They're like, tell it to Judge Judy.

[53:22] Now, so, and beyond the fact that he's a magical wizard demon...

[53:26] I mean, they're probably more interested in the fact that he's giving them information that some people are coming into the country with a fucking dagger.

[53:32] Yeah, no, this was the 80s. You could come in with anyone you wanted. Yeah.

[53:35] This was back when you could say goodbye to people at the gate.

[53:38] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[53:39] Remember?

[53:40] Yeah, it's weird that my lifespan has encompassed that.

[53:45] It's so much weirder that your lifespan encompassed the internet becoming a regular thing.

[53:49] Yeah, no, that's true. It's weird that, yeah, my lifespan encompassed...

[53:52] Thanks, William Gibson.

[53:54] Like, the end of rotary phones.

[53:57] In some ways, it's even weirder that your lifespan encompassed the entirety of Verne Troyer's career.

[54:04] Just from beginning to end.

[54:05] I didn't think you were going to make it.

[54:06] Come on, he's going to have a comeback.

[54:08] Don't call it a comeback, because it's not happening.

[54:11] So, why this evil wizard demon needs four LAPD cops to help him out with this, it's not sure.

[54:17] But Eddie Murphy says to him...

[54:18] He can fucking morph into a rat.

[54:20] And kill a guy.

[54:21] And then kill a dude that's swinging two swords like Cabal from Mortal Kombat, dude.

[54:26] That happened earlier in the movie.

[54:27] But those are the exact swords.

[54:29] He can do that? He can enter your dreams? He can teleport?

[54:33] Why does he need these four cops? Are they from the Rampart Division and they're super tough?

[54:37] I don't understand.

[54:38] Yup, I don't understand. They're cops, the cartoon shows.

[54:41] It says misdemeanor on the books?

[54:44] Who's the chief guy? Is it bulletproof or some shit?

[54:48] It's called Copman.

[54:49] Bulletproof.

[54:50] It's fireproof.

[54:51] Did you ever watch that fucking cartoon?

[54:54] Cops is one of many cartoons I watched as a kid.

[54:56] Cops is an acronym, but I do not know what it stands for.

[54:59] It stands for...

[55:00] I know it's a cartoon.

[55:01] Yeah, it was a cartoon.

[55:02] Yeah, you don't remember that one? It was like, in the future.

[55:04] There's like one guy who's like...

[55:06] The only acronym for cartoon I remember is MASK.

[55:08] Okay, yeah, that stood for...

[55:10] May all...

[55:12] Shorts...

[55:13] Sarlex...

[55:14] May our Sarlex...

[55:15] Kill...

[55:16] Bulletin...

[55:17] Say...

[55:18] And cops stood for...

[55:21] Cookies...

[55:23] Ordered...

[55:24] Please...

[55:25] Serve...

[55:26] So, cookies ordered, please serve.

[55:28] But there was like, one of these cops...

[55:32] It was like a futuristic cowboy character.

[55:35] A robberson.

[55:36] There was no robbersons.

[55:38] This was not a Michael Ritchie movie.

[55:42] Yeah, it was super goofy.

[55:43] Yeah, it was a futuristic cowboy.

[55:44] It was...

[55:45] There's so many cartoon shows I watched as a kid.

[55:47] Mask, Cops, Silverhawks...

[55:49] That I have no...

[55:50] Like, Lone Star...

[55:51] Oh, I totally remember Silverhawks.

[55:53] I remember the theme song, because it's great.

[55:55] Silverhawks...

[55:57] But I don't remember...

[55:58] I definitely had a pair of, like, little underpants.

[56:01] Like, little baby boy underpants.

[56:03] I had Silverhawks on.

[56:04] Don't tell me you don't have little underpants right now.

[56:06] I mean, not ones with Silverhawks on them,

[56:08] because they don't fucking make them anymore, do you?

[56:10] No, they don't.

[56:11] But like, Thundercats...

[56:12] There's gotta be a website.

[56:13] I watched every episode of Thundercats.

[56:14] I could not tell you the plot of one episode.

[56:16] Not...

[56:17] What about when Lionel went for, like, to the place of testing

[56:20] to determine that he is, like, the leader of the Thundercats?

[56:23] I don't know what that is.

[56:24] I have no idea.

[56:25] Was there one where they all became kids?

[56:27] Probably.

[56:28] Anyway, and there's one where it was probably Christmas

[56:30] on Lionel Planet or something.

[56:31] Cocoon.

[56:32] That's right.

[56:33] Something to cocoon.

[56:34] When Wilford Brimley fought Mumra.

[56:37] Speaking of Mumra, do you remember back in school

[56:39] that one guy...

[56:40] Scott...

[56:41] Hold on.

[56:42] Speaking of Mumra...

[56:44] This guy, Scotty, wrote an article.

[56:47] Scott Lindbergh wrote an article for the school paper

[56:50] from the perspective of Mumra

[56:53] complaining about these, like...

[56:56] These, like...

[56:57] These Thundercats coming to his home planet

[56:59] and, like, tearing it up and killing all his mutants and shit.

[57:02] I like how you said remember when

[57:03] and then talked about something that happened, what, at your school?

[57:06] Yeah, I was talking to Dan.

[57:07] I was talking to you, dude.

[57:09] Oh, it was an Earlham thing.

[57:10] Yeah, it was a parody of the Millions for Mumia movement.

[57:15] Millions for Mumra.

[57:18] Oh, well.

[57:19] Brilliant satire.

[57:20] So, Eddie Murphy explains to Charles Dance,

[57:23] if they arrest me, then the dagger's going to go into evidence lock-up.

[57:27] I'm going to be in jail.

[57:28] It's going to be an evidence lock-up.

[57:30] You're never going to get that dagger.

[57:31] It might take months or years to get to trial.

[57:33] That's crazy.

[57:34] He's magic.

[57:35] He could turn into a rat.

[57:36] He could just take the dagger from him right then.

[57:39] I don't know what...

[57:40] It's like...

[57:41] And he's like,

[57:42] Oh, the police have foiled me.

[57:43] They got me.

[57:44] Even though I have all the powers of hell at my command,

[57:47] I can't stop this chain of possession for evidence law.

[57:51] Now, anyway, that's besides the point.

[57:54] We get to the point where Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend in her boyfriend's shirt are hanging out.

[57:59] They're attacked by the bad guys.

[58:01] They have, like, a fight or something, right?

[58:03] No, they're just kind of tense with each other.

[58:05] Yeah, because she starts crying, though, dude.

[58:07] Yeah, I mean, ladies do that.

[58:09] It was crazy.

[58:10] Okay, that seems true.

[58:11] Amazing.

[58:13] That's true.

[58:14] Ladies don't do that.

[58:15] Guys do it when they're watching The Iron Giant.

[58:17] Now, the bad guys show up.

[58:19] There is a fight in which, once again, Eddie Murphy is not that effective.

[58:23] And his girlfriend is just whipping him.

[58:25] This is when the movie starts fucking getting great.

[58:27] She's doing flips all over the place.

[58:28] Anytime there's, like, wacky shit and she's flipping and going nuts.

[58:31] Like, there's...

[58:32] Wacky races.

[58:33] Anytime there's a fight, his girlfriend...

[58:35] What's her name?

[58:36] Key?

[58:37] Key.

[58:38] Key.

[58:39] Anytime...

[58:40] I want to call her his girlfriend.

[58:41] When Key shows up...

[58:42] Because I want her to be my girlfriend.

[58:43] When Key shows up to a fight, she's like,

[58:45] there's about ten feet of space between me and the bad guy.

[58:48] I can flip that distance in half the time it takes to walk.

[58:51] I could jump, walk, run.

[58:53] I'm going to flip.

[58:54] Mm-hmm.

[58:55] So, like...

[58:56] They fight and, unfortunately, she gives herself...

[58:59] Sacrifices her life and takes a crossbow bolt.

[59:02] It's such a great shot, dude, where Charles Dance,

[59:05] you know, not using those sleeves of his jacket,

[59:07] he lazily...

[59:08] I'm tired of that dance.

[59:10] He lazily picks up a crossbow.

[59:12] He aims it at Eddie Murphy, and you're like,

[59:14] Eddie Murphy's totes fucked.

[59:15] Yeah, that's the end of the movie.

[59:16] The bad guy's won.

[59:17] She sees it, and she's like,

[59:19] I think I can save him.

[59:20] She starts flipping.

[59:21] I can save him the only way I know how.

[59:24] Flip powers.

[59:26] Flip powers, activate.

[59:28] So she flips right past him, and he's like,

[59:30] what's she doing?

[59:32] She flips faster than an arrow.

[59:34] He hasn't even fired it yet.

[59:35] He's like, what?

[59:36] This had better be Zeno's fucking arrow,

[59:38] that it takes so long to get to him.

[59:40] She starts flipping.

[59:41] He's like, fuck this.

[59:42] I'm going to just shoot this clown.

[59:44] He pulls the trigger, and the bolt flies through the air.

[59:46] I said bolt because it's not an arrow, dude.

[59:48] It's a crossbow bolt.

[59:49] Good point, good point.

[59:50] And she flips to, like, hug Eddie Murphy.

[59:52] We would have gotten letters, so thank you.

[59:54] From the American Crossbow Association, the ACA.

[59:57] And the crossbow pierces her back.

[59:59] Oh.

[1:00:00] and she is killed. The bad guys escape with the dagger, which was handed to them at some point,

[1:00:05] and Charles Zantz is happy. He got what he wanted and he wanted what he got.

[1:00:08] I think it was enough.

[1:00:09] You got skin in the game. You stay in the game.

[1:00:14] Yeah.

[1:00:15] But you don't get a win unless you play in the game.

[1:00:16] Yep.

[1:00:17] A little bit of Hamilton for everybody.

[1:00:19] So, for some reason they're restoring the dagger in a briefcase.

[1:00:23] I mean, normally I keep all my cool weapons in briefcases.

[1:00:26] You think it's just rattling around in there?

[1:00:28] Yeah. No, no, no. I get a specialty casemate.

[1:00:31] Oh, with like acoustic padding?

[1:00:33] Or so that it looks like it's something else.

[1:00:35] Like you open it and you're like, this is just magazines.

[1:00:37] And then you pick up those magazines and you're like, there's a fuckin' dope dagger in there.

[1:00:41] This guy must be an awesome assassin.

[1:00:44] Who loves to read.

[1:00:46] No, the reading's garbage. I tricked them.

[1:00:49] Who likes to keep up on, let's take a look at this, 69 sex tricks that'll blow your man's mind.

[1:00:54] Chunky asses.

[1:00:57] Harper's, the failures of the Obama administration.

[1:01:00] Oh boy, he's one of those assassins.

[1:01:03] So, there's only, Dr. Hong tells him that if you...

[1:01:09] You have three weeks to live.

[1:01:11] That she has one day to live.

[1:01:13] There's a chance...

[1:01:14] Your funny bone is too big, Eddie Murphy.

[1:01:16] And the snake lady tells Eddie Murphy that your funny bone is too big.

[1:01:22] We're gonna have to do a funny bone reduction.

[1:01:25] No!

[1:01:26] No, but that's the source of my talent!

[1:01:28] None of my leather jumpsuits will fit anymore.

[1:01:31] My deformity has made me a star, much like in that graphic novel, what was it called?

[1:01:35] Four Fingers? Three Fingers?

[1:01:37] What?

[1:01:38] The one about all the Disney characters?

[1:01:39] I think it was called Three Fingers.

[1:01:40] Anyway, so...

[1:01:42] What?

[1:01:44] They tell him, if you can get the golden child over here before the sun goes...

[1:01:50] We've established that that dude, when he touches something that's dead, it becomes alive again.

[1:01:54] He brings it back to life, if the sun hasn't set on it yet.

[1:01:57] So, Eddie Murphy's got a hot butt in his Volvo.

[1:02:00] Elton John knew what he was talking about when he said,

[1:02:04] don't let the sun go down on me if I get killed.

[1:02:07] Unless there's a golden child in the room.

[1:02:10] Eddie Murphy goes to where the golden child is being held.

[1:02:13] The golden child has turned the biker of the apocalypse into his ally now.

[1:02:19] Eddie Murphy fights the monkey guy, who has this really cool chain attack,

[1:02:23] and he defeats him in, like, two seconds.

[1:02:25] Super easy, because it's that point in the movie where all the people who were formidable opponents up until now,

[1:02:30] you touch them and they fall down dead.

[1:02:32] Except for Charles Dance, whose form bursts open to reveal a stop-motion animated skeleton demon,

[1:02:37] and that's when the movie went from OK to amazing.

[1:02:41] Yep, it goes from OK to End of Howard the Duck!

[1:02:44] Which is pretty amazing.

[1:02:46] The best part of Howard the Duck, to be honest.

[1:02:49] I may be starting a controversy here, but I really love 80s stop-motion optical process effects.

[1:02:54] Maybe you guys are going to come out of line.

[1:02:57] Scott Aukerman.

[1:02:59] Especially that kind of zap, magic lightning effect that you see in Howard the Duck and in Ghostbusters and things like that.

[1:03:07] I love that. I could watch demo reels of that.

[1:03:10] It clearly looks like an animator went over the film footage and was like,

[1:03:15] I'm just going to go frame by frame and add some lightning bolts to this guy's hand.

[1:03:19] I know it's a love scene between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, but I'm going to throw some lightning bolts in there.

[1:03:24] Ain't no scene in the world I've encountered that isn't improved by lightning bolts.

[1:03:30] So I watched that movie Harvey the other day.

[1:03:34] You know what was missing?

[1:03:36] Jimmy Stewart should have been shooting lightning bolts out of his hands the whole time.

[1:03:39] And then you call it Lightning Harvey.

[1:03:41] I know Harvey is not the Jimmy Stewart character, but maybe we change that in post.

[1:03:44] Kramer versus Kramer. They've got to be shooting lightning bolts.

[1:03:47] I mean, what else are they fighting each other with?

[1:03:49] It's a versus movie.

[1:03:51] Atomic Firebreath, maybe Godzilla versus Kramer.

[1:03:54] Which I think is a Rob Reiner joke.

[1:04:01] Rob Reiner, thanks for listening.

[1:04:03] I think I found that when I was researching once.

[1:04:05] I wrote a sketch once called Godzilla versus the Board of Education.

[1:04:09] Godzilla brought about a lawsuit for monster education rights.

[1:04:12] And I did a Google search to make sure no one had done that before.

[1:04:19] He gets the kid. They escape.

[1:04:21] He catches the kid.

[1:04:23] He escapes in his Volvo. They go to an abandoned place.

[1:04:26] They are fucking going crazy in this station wagon.

[1:04:29] And you're going, yes, turn that music to ten.

[1:04:32] Turn that music to the maximum.

[1:04:34] We're playing demon animation in the daytime, no less.

[1:04:37] The theme music speeds up.

[1:04:39] You're like, this has got to be the thing.

[1:04:41] The kid is like, I don't even need to use my hands to buckle both our seatbelts, bro.

[1:04:46] He does some Peter Gabriel sledgehammer shit and just his seatbelt buckles on its own.

[1:04:50] Which is crazy, because at this point you're like, he doesn't even need that seatbelt.

[1:04:53] He's magic. Nothing on this earth can stop him.

[1:04:55] That car stops short. He's flying through the windshield and then just walking away.

[1:04:58] He's going to be smiling, rolling around in class.

[1:05:01] He's going, wee! Can't hurt me. Can't hurt me. I'm the gingerbread man.

[1:05:05] But the car has stopped.

[1:05:07] They're in some kind of abandoned concrete something or other.

[1:05:10] Just to remind you, it's the 80s.

[1:05:12] There's some big graffiti on the side that says, no aid for Contras.

[1:05:15] And the demon chases them in.

[1:05:17] There's the concrete.

[1:05:19] They lower him into a classic honey pot.

[1:05:22] You know a demon can't resist a fucking old silo with a kid in it.

[1:05:28] No, that's just common magical lore.

[1:05:31] I think that's in the Necronomicon.

[1:05:34] The cement ceiling collapses on him.

[1:05:37] Oh, good. He's dead, right?

[1:05:39] You think so.

[1:05:40] He's overcut to black.

[1:05:42] They tear ass in that Volvo.

[1:05:44] He uses his magic powers to wake up Eddie Murphy's girlfriend.

[1:05:48] You see her and you're like, the sun's not setting on her.

[1:05:51] But there's this weird-looking laser of light.

[1:05:54] There's just, through a crack in the window, there's one beam of sunlight hitting her.

[1:05:57] Which looks like someone's hitting her with a proton pack or something like that.

[1:06:02] And then, uh-oh, demon appears again.

[1:06:05] We're actually messing up the timing.

[1:06:07] Gray-haired house that has resurrected him somehow.

[1:06:09] I think this happens before they bring her back.

[1:06:13] You're like, what is it, a fucking Tremors dude just busting out of the ground?

[1:06:16] Is this a tramoid?

[1:06:18] Come on, is he a John Carpenter's vampires?

[1:06:22] Is it Bugs' goddamn bunny?

[1:06:25] No, it is not.

[1:06:26] It's this Charles Dance demon.

[1:06:28] You know, Charles Dance didn't even bother to record any fucking lines for this stop-motion effect.

[1:06:32] It is just grunting and roaring.

[1:06:34] It tries to stab Eddie Murphy.

[1:06:36] That dagger is stopped by, oh-ho, the quote-wrong-unquote necklace.

[1:06:41] Which is worth clearly more than $100.

[1:06:43] Because it saved his life.

[1:06:45] Is your life not worth $100, Eddie Murphy?

[1:06:47] The Chosen One's life, yeah.

[1:06:48] The Chosen One's life, who's saving the guy, who's gonna bring him out in like $150?

[1:06:52] It's worth $150.

[1:06:53] Magic dagger repellent.

[1:06:54] Eddie Murphy takes a long time to thrust the dagger into the demon.

[1:06:57] Demon explodifies.

[1:06:58] They wake up his girlfriend.

[1:07:00] Everybody's okay.

[1:07:01] And they walk off into the sunset.

[1:07:03] Through a field.

[1:07:04] Through a field.

[1:07:05] Why are they in a field?

[1:07:07] They're at the farm part of Los Angeles.

[1:07:09] They got a new surrogate family.

[1:07:10] They got Eddie.

[1:07:11] They got Lady.

[1:07:12] They got Charlie.

[1:07:14] Well, they cover the key.

[1:07:16] The best part is the key is going to be taking the golden child back to Nepal.

[1:07:21] And he's just not gonna go with them.

[1:07:23] I guess he's got too many kids to find.

[1:07:25] Yeah, he's got to keep on with his crusade.

[1:07:27] He's the kid finder, indeed.

[1:07:28] He's the kid finder general, yeah.

[1:07:30] So they, of course, hand this golden child a baseball cap.

[1:07:34] He does what any kid would do.

[1:07:35] Turns it backwards immediately.

[1:07:36] That's radical.

[1:07:37] Because he is radical.

[1:07:38] Because he, and I use he loosely since even though the character is a boy,

[1:07:41] the actress playing that character was a girl.

[1:07:43] What?

[1:07:44] The whole time.

[1:07:45] Oh, my God.

[1:07:46] Here's another real Linda Hunt situation.

[1:07:48] It was Linda Hunt as a kid playing the golden child.

[1:07:52] That's even more amazing.

[1:07:54] Because she didn't look Asian when she was older.

[1:07:58] She was Asian as a kid.

[1:08:00] Wait, when did Linda Hunt play a boy?

[1:08:02] The Year of Living Dangerously.

[1:08:03] She won an Academy Award for it.

[1:08:04] Oh, I thought she won an Academy Award for if Lucy could kill.

[1:08:07] Kindergarten cop.

[1:08:09] Or if Lucy could kill.

[1:08:10] Yeah, she's a three-time Academy Award winner.

[1:08:15] And Eddie Murphy starts, he's clearly ad-libbing.

[1:08:18] He just starts asking if they have star search in their country

[1:08:20] and then talks about going on star search and throwing rocks at Ed McMahon.

[1:08:23] Credits roll.

[1:08:25] America's number one enemy at the time, Ed McMahon.

[1:08:30] Most hated man in show business.

[1:08:33] It's like when you listen to,

[1:08:35] who's the stand-up comedian who died relatively young?

[1:08:38] Whoever talks about how great he was.

[1:08:40] Jim Balushi.

[1:08:41] No, I can't remember.

[1:08:44] Still alive.

[1:08:45] Never mind.

[1:08:46] Forget it.

[1:08:47] Oh, my God, Jim Balushi.

[1:08:50] He's still alive?

[1:08:51] The Balush is still around.

[1:08:52] Oh, my God.

[1:08:53] It's the Balush, not the Baluch, who is still alive, yes.

[1:08:56] But he's not the same.

[1:08:57] So Bill Hicks, how people would talk about,

[1:08:59] oh, man, that guy was groundbreaking.

[1:09:00] And then you listen to stand-up.

[1:09:01] I thought he only existed in preacher comics.

[1:09:03] No, he was a real man.

[1:09:05] And you listen to his stand-up and there's a lot of jokes about, like, Billy Ray Cyrus.

[1:09:08] And you're like, ooh, way to talk truth to power, buddy.

[1:09:12] Way to date yourself, dude.

[1:09:15] Just try not to die.

[1:09:16] I guess he would have updated his material had he lived.

[1:09:19] So, anyway, that unnecessary knock on Bill Hicks aside.

[1:09:23] Yeah, wow.

[1:09:24] Yeah, dude.

[1:09:25] Way to pee on his grave.

[1:09:27] Hey, look, if it makes you feel any better, I love the character actor William Hickey,

[1:09:30] who has almost the same name.

[1:09:31] Sure.

[1:09:32] Fair enough.

[1:09:33] I read Preacher at least once.

[1:09:35] Hey, Stuart and I, a very close friend of ours, Bill Hickey from Earl and Calvage.

[1:09:41] So clearly Bill Hicks' ghost can't be mad at us.

[1:09:43] Not at all.

[1:09:44] We've covered all of our bases.

[1:09:45] Glad we uncursed ourselves that time.

[1:09:47] It's like we bought magical necklaces for $100.

[1:09:50] So let's get to Final Judgment, shall we?

[1:09:52] Let's get fucking to Final Judgment.

[1:09:53] We've gone so long, especially with the stuff that's on the other computer.

[1:09:59] Yeah.

[1:10:00] I'm just going to say it right now. I'm going to call this a good bad movie.

[1:10:04] Yeah. Not super funny, but if you want to watch a movie that says,

[1:10:08] hey, this was made in the 1980s, watch The Golden Child.

[1:10:11] This remains a movie I kind of like. I watched it a million times as a kid.

[1:10:15] I thought it was great. I still kind of like it.

[1:10:18] Soundtrack's great. There's a weird monkey face theme.

[1:10:21] There's blood in the porridge. Who cares?

[1:10:24] Yeah. It sounds like an English dessert.

[1:10:26] Yeah, I agree with everything that's been said. I kind of like this movie.

[1:10:29] It starts out a little slow when you think it's going to be more of a comedy,

[1:10:33] and then it ramps up in just goofiness.

[1:10:36] If you go into it expecting a crazy, mystical adventure movie and not a comedy,

[1:10:41] then it is instantly a better movie in your eyes.

[1:10:43] Yes. It's a fun 80s.

[1:10:47] If you think this is a follow-up to the delirious stand-up special,

[1:10:50] you will be disappointed. You should be watching Raw.

[1:10:54] That's right.

[1:11:00] A tie is a pedantic person.

[1:11:03] I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way.

[1:11:08] Gyro.

[1:11:09] Yero.

[1:11:10] Sacrebleu.

[1:11:11] Sacrebleu.

[1:11:12] Ayers Rock.

[1:11:13] Uluru.

[1:11:14] And...

[1:11:15] What you are witnessing is real.

[1:11:19] The participants are not actors.

[1:11:21] They are actual litigants with real cases.

[1:11:24] They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court,

[1:11:28] the real people's court.

[1:11:30] Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court.

[1:11:33] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

[1:11:41] This delightful program is brought to you by Squarespace.

[1:11:45] Beautiful websites for beautiful beverages like KombuchaDog.com.

[1:11:49] I guess kombucha means black mushroom tea,

[1:11:52] but it's much more fun to say kombucha, like chicken chimichanga.

[1:11:57] I never really wanted chimichanga.

[1:11:59] I'd just like to ask, how's the chicken chimichanga?

[1:12:03] Before we move on to letters and such,

[1:12:08] I just want to take a moment to say thank you to our network, Maximum Fun.

[1:12:13] We don't do this often enough, but there are a lot of great shows on the network.

[1:12:17] Some personal favorites of mine.

[1:12:20] I like Jordan and Jesse Go.

[1:12:23] I like My Brother and My Brother and Me.

[1:12:25] You guys are big fans of The Adventure Zone.

[1:12:28] Yeah, it's a big cast that's listening to it today.

[1:12:30] We got our buddy Judge John Hodgman over there.

[1:12:35] Other shows...

[1:12:36] I've been going crazy with that. Stop podcasting yourself.

[1:12:40] But only Graham, Dave. No, thank you.

[1:12:44] Just joking, just joking.

[1:12:46] J.K. Simmons, guys. J.K. Simmons.

[1:12:50] Whiplash, everybody.

[1:12:51] J.K. Rowling.

[1:12:53] Are they married, J.K. Simmons and J.K. Rowling?

[1:12:55] Yes, of course they are.

[1:12:58] There's a ton of great shows you can check out, all at MaximumFun.org.

[1:13:03] All free to listen to, so check them out.

[1:13:07] That's all I wanted to say.

[1:13:09] That was really fun.

[1:13:10] Now that we're done with our flop house housework...

[1:13:12] Wait, well not exactly. Go on.

[1:13:15] No, I don't know, I was just...

[1:13:17] I thought you had something.

[1:13:18] There was a segue to nothing.

[1:13:21] That kind of describes most of my shit.

[1:13:23] I'll start a segue, and by the time I'm finished with it, I'll have some idea of what I'm segueing to.

[1:13:29] I see her blankly at the computer screen, just wondering what happened.

[1:13:33] Stuart was just like, I don't like talking about other podcasts.

[1:13:36] I've got to get away from this as fast as I can.

[1:13:40] I just like talking about me.

[1:13:41] What's going on with Stuart?

[1:13:45] Are we at letters point, or what's going on?

[1:13:47] Well, first I want to thank you.

[1:13:49] Oh, you're very welcome, Dan.

[1:13:51] I want to thank you to some listeners for some gifts.

[1:13:55] The first one of these...

[1:13:56] This is the first we're hearing about.

[1:13:58] The first one of these, yeah, well, I was going to say,

[1:14:01] I should have given to Elliot before the show started.

[1:14:06] You wanted a real reaction.

[1:14:08] Well, I was a little stressed when the show started.

[1:14:11] I was dealing with computer issues, so I forgot.

[1:14:14] So this is the first Elliot's hearing about it.

[1:14:16] But thank you to Jesse Bacon.

[1:14:19] Thank you to Jesse Bacon for the WPA Libraries poster

[1:14:23] that he sent to Elliot.

[1:14:25] That's really nice, thank you.

[1:14:26] So I'll bestow that upon you after the show.

[1:14:30] Thank you.

[1:14:31] As a man with a lot of library blood in my family,

[1:14:34] seeing as there are a number of my...

[1:14:37] The library tradition in my family goes back three generations.

[1:14:40] My grandmother, my mother, and my wife,

[1:14:42] and her grandfather are all librarians.

[1:14:44] So thank you.

[1:14:45] Yeah.

[1:14:46] Thank you to Leah Lewis

[1:14:48] for the crocheted Happy Cagemas banner

[1:14:51] that is hanging in Flophouse Studios.

[1:14:55] You don't see it out here, Elliot and Stuart,

[1:14:58] because they couldn't find the best place to hang it,

[1:15:00] but it is...

[1:15:01] So it's in the closet.

[1:15:02] It is in the apartment.

[1:15:04] Is this a scavenger hunt?

[1:15:06] I've put a series of clues around here.

[1:15:10] Is it Easter?

[1:15:11] If you find it, you can have my ghouls.

[1:15:14] You put a series of clues,

[1:15:15] each more devilish than the last,

[1:15:16] and one of them is less like,

[1:15:17] Dan pees in me.

[1:15:19] Oh, on the toilet, right?

[1:15:20] Oh, you'd think so?

[1:15:21] Try again.

[1:15:24] That's what makes it devilish.

[1:15:26] Thank you to Emily Bennett,

[1:15:29] my Flophouse Facebook Secret Santa

[1:15:32] for the book and DVD that she sent to me.

[1:15:34] And lastly, thanks to Andy,

[1:15:38] Jan, Beth, and Jessica

[1:15:40] for the Flophouse Holiday Cards.

[1:15:43] That were sent in.

[1:15:45] Thanks very much for all the good wishes.

[1:15:48] We also last time received a gift

[1:15:52] from Flophouse listener Michael Seery,

[1:15:55] a heaping helping of Hanukkah gelt,

[1:15:58] which I...

[1:16:00] The problem is, what happens, guys,

[1:16:02] is we start this podcast,

[1:16:03] and then I get all really worked up,

[1:16:05] and I forget things sometimes.

[1:16:06] And that was one of those things I forget.

[1:16:08] But it was really great,

[1:16:09] and we're going to enjoy that Hanukkah gelt.

[1:16:12] Elliot, I think, mentioned how much he loves it.

[1:16:13] It's the best chocolate he's ever had.

[1:16:15] I have to say this.

[1:16:16] I had some Hanukkah gelt this year.

[1:16:17] Not this year.

[1:16:18] 2015.

[1:16:19] Last year.

[1:16:20] That was of a much higher...

[1:16:21] The geltiest.

[1:16:22] Much higher quality than I remember.

[1:16:24] 2015 was an excellent year for gelt.

[1:16:26] Good vintage.

[1:16:27] But it was much better than I remembered it.

[1:16:29] So I think they've improved the formula.

[1:16:31] Also, there's going to be a lot more editing

[1:16:34] than usual for this episode.

[1:16:36] Because it's long.

[1:16:37] Because of the weird two computers problem.

[1:16:42] But if I remember it,

[1:16:45] and I hope I remember it,

[1:16:46] a listener sent one of Elliot's letter songs to Music.

[1:16:51] Oh, you did a really good job.

[1:16:53] I hope to stick that on at the end of the show.

[1:16:56] If I remember.

[1:16:57] If I don't.

[1:16:58] Then write it and remind Daniel.

[1:17:00] If I don't write it, remind me,

[1:17:01] and it'll come in an upcoming episode.

[1:17:03] And what was that listener's name?

[1:17:05] Thank you to John Davis.

[1:17:07] John Davis.

[1:17:08] Thanks very much.

[1:17:09] But.

[1:17:10] Now to move on to the actual.

[1:17:12] Dan's favorite part of the body.

[1:17:14] Wait.

[1:17:15] He said but.

[1:17:16] Oh, but.

[1:17:17] Yeah, thank you.

[1:17:18] But it's time to move on to

[1:17:20] the actual letters for the evening.

[1:17:22] The first letter.

[1:17:24] We're running long.

[1:17:25] So we don't have a lot of time for a song.

[1:17:28] Or a rhyme for us all to go along.

[1:17:31] And listen to about the letters.

[1:17:34] We gotta hurry it up.

[1:17:36] Let's speed it up.

[1:17:39] Let's speed it up fast.

[1:17:41] Time's not gonna last.

[1:17:42] If we keep singing on about the letters.

[1:17:45] We don't have time to waste.

[1:17:47] We don't have time to burn.

[1:17:48] We've got money to earn.

[1:17:50] And lessons to learn about life.

[1:17:52] From these letters.

[1:17:54] From you.

[1:17:55] So let's hurry it up.

[1:17:57] You have to wake up in like four hours.

[1:17:59] Letters segments.

[1:18:01] Tonight.

[1:18:02] Or this morning.

[1:18:04] Or noon.

[1:18:05] Whenever you're listening to the Flophouse.

[1:18:07] Letters segments.

[1:18:08] This little bag is a section where we talk about Elliot's songs.

[1:18:11] You don't need to explain.

[1:18:13] Let's move on.

[1:18:14] Should I sing another song that explains how we did the letters?

[1:18:16] No, let's not.

[1:18:17] Dan reaches into the bag.

[1:18:18] And sometimes a piranha bites him.

[1:18:20] So this first letter.

[1:18:24] Says, I recently discovered the Flophouse.

[1:18:26] And since I often have terrible taste in movies.

[1:18:29] I wanted to make sure there was nothing I wanted to see on there.

[1:18:32] That you guys might spoil.

[1:18:34] Or spoil in a different way.

[1:18:36] Than just watching a terrible movie.

[1:18:38] I saw Winter's Tale on the episode list.

[1:18:41] And I was like, oh that's in my Netflix queue.

[1:18:43] I bumped it up to the top.

[1:18:45] And when the disc arrived.

[1:18:46] I sat down with very low expectations.

[1:18:48] The disc?

[1:18:49] When's this letter from?

[1:18:50] Like five years ago?

[1:18:51] Stream it dude.

[1:18:52] Movie started strong.

[1:18:54] I kept waiting for it to suck.

[1:18:55] But it kept getting better.

[1:18:56] I'm sitting there thinking.

[1:18:57] How the hell are they going to make fun of this?

[1:18:59] I mean the pacing is maybe a little lumpy.

[1:19:01] And some of the supporting actors are amateurs.

[1:19:03] But I mean this is really well done.

[1:19:06] It's ended up being a haunting take on heroism.

[1:19:08] As well as a standing testament.

[1:19:10] To the soul crushing poverty.

[1:19:12] And corruption in the Ozarks.

[1:19:13] Weird.

[1:19:14] I can't figure out how this got flopped.

[1:19:16] Then later I'm like.

[1:19:18] Oh wait.

[1:19:19] You guys were talking about the.

[1:19:21] Unloved 2014 magical realism.

[1:19:23] Colin Farrell vehicle.

[1:19:24] Winter's Tale.

[1:19:25] And I just watched.

[1:19:27] 2010 Best Picture nominee.

[1:19:29] Winter's Bone with Jennifer Lawrence.

[1:19:31] The movie that introduced Jennifer Lawrence to the world.

[1:19:33] The movie that I described as.

[1:19:34] A girl in a man's world.

[1:19:35] Expecting it to fly off the rails and bomb.

[1:19:37] Made Winter's Bone even more harrowing.

[1:19:39] Yeah it's great dude.

[1:19:41] John Hawks is amazing in that movie.

[1:19:43] She totally has to pull a hand.

[1:19:45] Off a corpse in a swamp.

[1:19:47] Still not a good reader.

[1:19:49] First name withheld.

[1:19:51] Last name withheld.

[1:19:53] Well both names.

[1:19:55] Did you ever get a letter from someone.

[1:19:57] Who didn't exist?

[1:20:00] Maybe embarrassed about the misidentification of Winter's Tale and Winter's Bone, I don't know.

[1:20:07] Dude, earlier in this episode I fucking confused Blanche for Rose.

[1:20:11] That was shameful.

[1:20:13] I threw myself out the window right there.

[1:20:15] I can think of many members of the Flophouse fan community who will pillory you for that.

[1:20:20] This is going to be terrible.

[1:20:22] But maybe that happened in a deleted segment, I don't know.

[1:20:24] Burdened effigy.

[1:20:25] I don't know, I just admitted to it at this point.

[1:20:29] And then the whole Victor Wong, James Hong debacle.

[1:20:31] That was way worse.

[1:20:32] The thing is, from now on, that deleted segment will be like an alternate universe.

[1:20:37] It'll be like we all have vague memories of this other world that could have happened, but didn't.

[1:20:43] Like Uatu is just watching from the blue area of the moon saying,

[1:20:46] what if they had finished that version of the episode?

[1:20:49] Is that what that guy's name is with the giant head from the What If?

[1:20:52] He's Uatu.

[1:20:53] Or is that the guy with the pan on his head from the What The? comics?

[1:20:56] That's Forbushman.

[1:20:57] He who has the pan on the head from the What The? comics.

[1:21:00] Forbushman?

[1:21:01] Yeah, Forbush.

[1:21:02] F-O-R-B-U-S-H.

[1:21:03] What's his relation to Spider-Ham?

[1:21:05] They're just good friends.

[1:21:07] What about Captain Carrot and his zoo crew?

[1:21:10] That's a different company, Dan.

[1:21:11] Those are DC characters.

[1:21:12] What?

[1:21:13] Don't give me this shit.

[1:21:15] We're talking about Marvel parody characters.

[1:21:19] Captain Carrot's pretty great.

[1:21:20] I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so mad.

[1:21:22] Captain Carrot and I had a bad breakup.

[1:21:25] I never got over it.

[1:21:26] He said he'd call, and then he never called.

[1:21:29] He didn't call.

[1:21:31] Um, alright.

[1:21:32] I love that bunny.

[1:21:35] Wouldn't his teeth just tear apart your face when you guys make out?

[1:21:39] Yeah.

[1:21:40] Because rabbit teeth are terrifying.

[1:21:41] So I expected him to call the next day.

[1:21:43] Like, if he went down on you, it would be like a fucking vajetti.

[1:21:47] Well, I never got the chance to find out.

[1:21:50] Um, okay.

[1:21:51] Well, moving on.

[1:21:53] This next letter is from James Lastname Withheld, who writes...

[1:21:57] James Hall.

[1:21:59] Okay, do you guys get me?

[1:22:00] The things are long.

[1:22:01] It'll never be forever, dudes.

[1:22:06] Oh, look!

[1:22:08] Oh, my God!

[1:22:09] Don't ever mistake me.

[1:22:10] I love the flop house.

[1:22:12] What I love the most about it is that you're such trusiniests,

[1:22:15] you would never confuse two Asian actors just because they have similar names.

[1:22:19] Especially two actors who is uber us.

[1:22:21] You're so well versed in.

[1:22:23] Yours forever, James Hong slash maybe Victor Wong.

[1:22:26] You don't know.

[1:22:31] Sad.

[1:22:33] So James Hong writes...

[1:22:36] Greetings from rainy England.

[1:22:38] No, I know the weather now.

[1:22:40] I hope your holidays were all...

[1:22:42] He's here during Game of Thrones.

[1:22:44] I hope your holidays were all untrammeled delights.

[1:22:47] I just wanted to say that I love your show.

[1:22:49] My favorite, quote, album tracks to the hit singles of Housecat, Sighing, and Letter Songs are...

[1:22:55] When a steward suddenly acts like he has some place to be and tries to hurry up the podcast.

[1:23:00] So, Dan, what do we do next?

[1:23:03] When Elliot begrudgingly agrees with one of Dan's recommendations.

[1:23:07] You can almost hear his disappointment.

[1:23:09] Oh, that's a good movie.

[1:23:12] When Dan makes a...

[1:23:14] You got a surprise.

[1:23:16] That's the best part.

[1:23:17] When Dan makes those funny laughing noises around the 720 mark of the Fifty Shades of Grey episode.

[1:23:22] Today, I was on my first day back at work after the longest time spent with my one-year-old son since paternity leave.

[1:23:32] It was sad that the slight something in my eye as a result of missing my son's laugh was mixed with tears of laughter during Dan's confused and angry attempt to get people to donate to charity at Christmas.

[1:23:45] Someone on the tube asked me if I was alright.

[1:23:47] In a nice way.

[1:23:48] I know you Anglophiles will understand how rarely this happens and what a state I must have been in.

[1:23:53] If you guys ever do a show over here, I would like to buy you all a beer.

[1:23:57] Room temperature or cheered.

[1:23:59] Or chilled.

[1:24:00] No, cheered.

[1:24:01] Cheered up.

[1:24:02] Or cheers.

[1:24:03] Gin gin.

[1:24:04] James' last name is L.

[1:24:06] He raises a good point, which is...

[1:24:08] We should do a show in English.

[1:24:10] That would be amazing.

[1:24:11] It's time for us to invade them.

[1:24:14] Oh my God, that would be great.

[1:24:15] Now, how would we go about doing that?

[1:24:17] Was that the point you were talking about?

[1:24:18] No, the point I was doing about it was that apparently, for some reason, the most interrupt you get is when I'm trying to do nice things for other people.

[1:24:26] You'll notice I didn't interrupt you once during that letter and you still had trouble getting through it.

[1:24:30] No, no, that's fine.

[1:24:31] But you're right.

[1:24:32] Because I don't always know you're trying to do a nice thing.

[1:24:34] And last episode...

[1:24:35] And I'm a mean person.

[1:24:36] I was realizing the last episode and about 20 minutes in I was like, we are terrible.

[1:24:42] Why does Dan put up with this?

[1:24:44] And then I remembered because we're really fun guys that love Dan.

[1:24:48] We care about him.

[1:24:49] We just don't care about the people he cares about.

[1:24:51] So when he tries to do nice things for him, we're like, we're going to interrupt you.

[1:24:55] Well, it started off as Dan not being nice.

[1:24:59] Well, but we didn't know that that was a bit.

[1:25:01] Oh, he was playing like a character.

[1:25:02] Like, he was doing a heel turn.

[1:25:04] Exactly, he was doing a heel turn.

[1:25:05] He was doing a heel turn.

[1:25:06] Again, I was...

[1:25:07] Only to become a baby face at the end of it.

[1:25:08] I was not not being nice to...

[1:25:10] I don't want to go through this.

[1:25:11] I don't really want to re-litigate this.

[1:25:13] Although we do...

[1:25:15] Want to do a show in England.

[1:25:16] We do want to do a show in England.

[1:25:18] And we do want to do something...

[1:25:19] For charity.

[1:25:20] Nice for charity.

[1:25:21] I think that's a forthcoming...

[1:25:22] She suffers so much.

[1:25:24] Keep listening to the show and I think we'll have a more specific sort of thing set up.

[1:25:31] And we like beer.

[1:25:33] We do like beer.

[1:25:34] And that came up too.

[1:25:35] So all those things are correct.

[1:25:37] I guess write the Queen of England.

[1:25:38] Tell her the Flophouse has to come do the show.

[1:25:40] Tell her to revoke the passport ban she has on all of us.

[1:25:45] She knows why they are in effect.

[1:25:48] Yeah.

[1:25:49] But yeah, if someone was going to give us enough money to do it, we'd totally come to England.

[1:25:53] I don't know.

[1:25:54] I mean, this might basically just have to cover travel costs, right?

[1:25:57] I could stay at my sister's place.

[1:25:59] I don't know where you guys are staying.

[1:26:00] Sure, we could arrange a theater.

[1:26:01] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:26:03] I would hope we should arrange a theater in the birthplace of Shakespeare, the world's greatest playwright.

[1:26:11] We're going to play the Globe.

[1:26:12] We're going to play the West End or the Globe or the East End or maybe the South End.

[1:26:16] I'll probably have to dig deep into my Games Workshop contacts to find a couch I can crash on.

[1:26:21] Meanwhile, Dan will roam the streets solving crimes in a deerstalker cab.

[1:26:25] Yeah.

[1:26:26] Finally.

[1:26:27] Finally.

[1:26:28] I thought you were talking about like the fucking Mike Leemans.

[1:26:30] Jack the Ripper.

[1:26:31] Jack the Ripper.

[1:26:32] You saw the Jack the Ripper.

[1:26:34] I will solve the Ripper murders years after the final killing.

[1:26:40] Yep.

[1:26:41] Yep.

[1:26:42] Moriarty showed up out of the fucking holodeck again and he just started murdering people.

[1:26:46] Why didn't they invent it back in the 1880s?

[1:26:49] It was that infernal Sebastian Moran.

[1:26:52] After an in-depth article, in-depth interview with Alan Moore and Stephen Moffat, I guess, probably.

[1:27:01] All right.

[1:27:02] You're trying to ruin Sherlock Holmes for me.

[1:27:08] Last letter of the evening.

[1:27:10] From Stephen, last name withheld.

[1:27:12] Colbert.

[1:27:13] Long, long, long time listener.

[1:27:16] Long lost listener.

[1:27:17] Can you send someone to find me?

[1:27:19] Long live listener.

[1:27:20] Long time listener.

[1:27:21] Long time listener.

[1:27:22] First time writer-inner.

[1:27:23] I just wanted to inform you.

[1:27:25] Never thought it would happen to me.

[1:27:28] I just wanted to inform you that you guys can call it a day now.

[1:27:31] You've made it.

[1:27:32] Yeah, we should.

[1:27:33] It's almost midnight.

[1:27:34] You've won.

[1:27:35] There's nothing more to achieve.

[1:27:36] Because you are now featured in the IMDB trivia for Castle Creek.

[1:27:40] Get the fuck out of here.

[1:27:41] What?

[1:27:42] What?

[1:27:43] I'm looking that up right now.

[1:27:44] The epic saga of Ding Dong King.

[1:27:46] It is epic, isn't it?

[1:27:47] That's fair.

[1:27:49] I thought I slipped that one by you.

[1:27:51] No.

[1:27:54] He nodded, looking up from his phone.

[1:27:58] You were on your phone.

[1:27:59] I thought I was safe.

[1:28:00] That trip, that was like...

[1:28:01] That's when I thought I was safe.

[1:28:02] You had to go back into this for the TV.

[1:28:05] You thought you'd slipped under the laser beams like Captain Zeta-Jones, but...

[1:28:08] But you tripped by silent alarm, dude.

[1:28:10] Clever girl.

[1:28:12] I knew you were in that house the whole time.

[1:28:15] Even Dave Cad is like yelling.

[1:28:21] It's right here at the top of the trivia.

[1:28:23] It's right there.

[1:28:24] God, I'm done.

[1:28:25] I'm gonna fucking self-terminate.

[1:28:27] Motherfuckers.

[1:28:28] The epic saga of Ding Dong Gate has been immortalized for the ages

[1:28:33] in a Robert Caro-esque epic of nearly paragraph length.

[1:28:37] All the accolades, the New York Times, Entertainment Weekly, and the AV Club

[1:28:41] bestow upon you.

[1:28:42] All the legions of fans that fill live events and write obscene slash fiction.

[1:28:46] Even the love of your wives, children, and extended family

[1:28:49] could never compare to the thrill of seeing your misspelled names

[1:28:52] gracing the lower dregs of the IMDB equivalent of the deep web.

[1:28:57] So bask in your glory, hang your wormy boners on the mantle

[1:29:00] above the porthole of time, and call it a day,

[1:29:03] because it doesn't get better than this.

[1:29:05] Keep on keeping on.

[1:29:06] I'll let that one go.

[1:29:07] Because I commute a lot, and y'all have got to do it.

[1:29:10] I commute a lot.

[1:29:11] And y'all have kept me from the brink of insanity on multiple occasions.

[1:29:15] Best to all on Housecat.

[1:29:16] Steven, last name with O.

[1:29:18] So thank you, Steven.

[1:29:19] Were you gonna read the trivia?

[1:29:21] I was gonna read.

[1:29:22] Well, people can go to trivia and read.

[1:29:24] There's a description of Ding Dong Gate and its culmination.

[1:29:28] I will say that I do doubt some of the trivia here.

[1:29:31] It says, the film was blessed by the Vatican

[1:29:33] for fears of the effect on its viewers.

[1:29:35] I would guess maybe blessed is not the word they're looking for.

[1:29:38] I don't think the Vatican blessed Castle Free.

[1:29:44] The Vatican told Stuart Gordon, God bless you, when he sneezed once.

[1:29:49] You're part of the Castle Free story now.

[1:29:52] I have to say, the moment you wove yourself into this tale,

[1:29:55] the moment you ended up on, like, fucking Stephen King in the Dark Tower.

[1:30:00] Your character in it, which means Giorgio can kill you now.

[1:30:05] Oh, shit.

[1:30:06] As long as I don't get gun-shooting fingers, I don't get chopped off by crab monsters.

[1:30:12] Is that another dark talent?

[1:30:15] Yeah.

[1:30:16] The moment when I first pulled up Amazon, and for normal reasons, I added to my wish

[1:30:24] list the Castle Freak Blu-ray disc, and it said that users usually purchase Castle Freak

[1:30:33] plus Head of the Family, I fucking almost cried.

[1:30:39] The moment when I realized that all of this is worth something, I cried.

[1:30:46] I said, I can now retire and return to the wing of Charles Band's castle in Italy that

[1:30:55] he fucking owns.

[1:30:57] You knew that you had finally left behind a monument to forever mark your time on this

[1:31:02] earth.

[1:31:03] Yep.

[1:31:04] In this Ozymandias-type situation, I'll jump into a money bin filled with Puppet Master

[1:31:08] puppets.

[1:31:11] Like, which woman?

[1:31:14] You're in your head.

[1:31:16] Is that some kind of weird suicide?

[1:31:18] Are you going to drown in Puppet Master puppets?

[1:31:20] It's like a weird sexual suicide.

[1:31:22] It's like a Karen Eden situation.

[1:31:24] Mr. Hook, what were the names of the other puppets?

[1:31:26] There's the one with the hook for a hand.

[1:31:28] Well, there's Blades, or Blade.

[1:31:30] Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

[1:31:31] Although I'm called Blades because he wears a row of blades.

[1:31:36] And a six-gun.

[1:31:37] And he's a street shark.

[1:31:39] Street shark?

[1:31:40] Street shark's not a cowboy in Moomace.

[1:31:42] There's puppy and puppet.

[1:31:44] Fuck off, dude.

[1:31:46] If you're a cowboy in Moomace, they're probably called dairy-based nicknames.

[1:31:51] Like Cheddar.

[1:31:53] Cheddar.

[1:31:54] Utterly.

[1:31:56] Yep.

[1:31:57] Yeah.

[1:31:58] Chet Utterly.

[1:32:00] So, before we sink into insanity, having gazed into the abyss, should we move on, Dan?

[1:32:05] Yeah.

[1:32:06] Yes, we should move on to Letter.

[1:32:09] Or, wait.

[1:32:10] We just did this.

[1:32:11] Dan, are you Groundhog Day-ing right before our very eyes?

[1:32:13] Okay, so why don't you reach into the mailbag and pull out the first recommendation of the next movie?

[1:32:19] Because what we actually do now is we recommend movies we actually don't like.

[1:32:23] Thank you, Stuart.

[1:32:24] In addition to Golden Child.

[1:32:25] You did it.

[1:32:26] I did it.

[1:32:27] Wait.

[1:32:28] Yeah.

[1:32:29] Oh, that high-five sound was beautiful.

[1:32:31] Acoustics.

[1:32:32] So, I am going to go first because, fuck it, why not?

[1:32:35] I'm Stuart.

[1:32:39] Own it.

[1:32:44] So, of course, what I'm recommending right now is Star Wars.

[1:32:48] You should fucking go see it.

[1:32:50] If you like Star Wars, go see Force Awakens.

[1:32:52] If you don't like it, I'm sorry.

[1:32:53] Star.

[1:32:54] Force?

[1:32:55] Do not tell me that you don't like it.

[1:32:56] I do not give a shit.

[1:32:57] I mean, I could tell you that I didn't fucking.

[1:32:59] I loved the first half, and the second half I thought was okay.

[1:33:02] You know, the great thing is that Ellie and I are going to talk about this later off-air.

[1:33:05] Mm-hmm.

[1:33:06] All the way home.

[1:33:07] So I don't get super worked up.

[1:33:08] But in addition to Star Wars and Force Awakens, which is great, and I'm sure we'll probably

[1:33:13] talk about a little bit as we're trailing off into the distance, I'm going to recommend

[1:33:17] a movie that I think you can find on VOV right now, and if you're listening to this like

[1:33:22] 20 years in the future, probably on fucking Space Holodisks, is a...

[1:33:27] That's a weird advisory warning to put in there.

[1:33:31] Yeah.

[1:33:32] I don't know, dude.

[1:33:33] I'm trying to go fast.

[1:33:34] So I'm going to recommend a romantic comedy called Man Up.

[1:33:38] It stars Simon Pegg and Lake Bell, where Lake Bell does a very believable English accent,

[1:33:44] and the premise is that Lake Bell bumps into Simon Pegg in a train station after running

[1:33:54] into a woman who is supposed to meet up on a blind date that's been set up.

[1:34:00] And accidentally, due to circumstance, Simon Pegg believes that Lake Bell is his blind

[1:34:07] date, and Lake Bell, who has been unlucky in love, decides to just roll with it and

[1:34:13] go with it.

[1:34:14] And the first, like, as what I've described, sounds like the beginnings of a bad romantic

[1:34:21] But everybody involved is very charming, and it continues to go in interesting directions,

[1:34:25] and it manages to be a fun movie, and I feel like Simon Pegg, when he's not in a big blockbuster

[1:34:30] or not in an Edgar Wright movie, ends up kind of picking weak movies, often weak romantic

[1:34:36] comedies.

[1:34:37] But this is the first time that actually it works.

[1:34:41] It's got a great supporting cast.

[1:34:43] Olivia Williams is in it.

[1:34:46] So, if you're looking for a romantic comedy that might actually charm you a little bit,

[1:34:51] I would recommend Man Up.

[1:34:53] So, Stuart Reigerman's The Cop Show Manics.

[1:34:58] I would like to recommend a little movie called The Hate-Filled Eight.

[1:35:07] By Quentin Turantino.

[1:35:10] The Rodent Show.

[1:35:11] By Cormen Turpentine.

[1:35:13] 70 milometers.

[1:35:16] No, I, you know, look...

[1:35:17] Hey, you're the only guy who's got to get up for work tomorrow, so you can keep talking

[1:35:20] like this if you want.

[1:35:22] I don't know if it makes anything slower, it just makes it stupider.

[1:35:26] Look, I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about this movie.

[1:35:31] I understand.

[1:35:33] It is a hateful movie, as the film title suggests.

[1:35:38] It is a wrong movie.

[1:35:39] You know there's eight people in it.

[1:35:44] It's maybe not as obviously...

[1:35:50] I don't know.

[1:35:51] I feel like the point that Quentin Turantino is making is maybe not as clear for this film.

[1:35:59] I mean, it's a movie about race, ultimately.

[1:36:01] Yeah, and that's what I want to say about it.

[1:36:04] I personally was not such a fan of Django Unchained.

[1:36:08] I think it was...

[1:36:09] You said, chain that man back up.

[1:36:11] I thought it was...

[1:36:12] No, I did not say that.

[1:36:14] I thought it was an entertaining movie.

[1:36:17] It felt a little off to me.

[1:36:19] Maybe it was because it was the first movie Quentin Turantino made after his long-time

[1:36:23] editor tragically passed away.

[1:36:25] Maybe that was the problem.

[1:36:26] I don't know.

[1:36:27] But I feel like Django Unchained was kind of actually a shallower movie about race,

[1:36:35] because it was just a straight-ahead revenge movie.

[1:36:40] It was like taking the whole of slavery and then turning it into a Death Wish-style revenge

[1:36:47] film, which was very satisfying but was not very...

[1:36:52] I don't know.

[1:36:53] There was not a lot to chew on, maybe.

[1:36:55] Whereas The Hateful Eight, I'm not making any claims for Quentin Turantino as being

[1:37:01] a particularly deep thinker about social things.

[1:37:04] But I feel like he's trying to wrestle with something about Reconstruction America and

[1:37:12] the gray areas that there are in whites and blacks trying to live together.

[1:37:19] Lately, I've been talking about the concept that I think that his emotional intelligence

[1:37:25] might not meet his skill level as a filmmaker.

[1:37:30] So I think that supports what you're saying.

[1:37:32] But I also haven't seen Hateful Eight yet, so I could be a dummy.

[1:37:35] I see what you're saying, Dan.

[1:37:37] I think there's definitely islands of that.

[1:37:40] He's struggling with a little more complexity, or he's trying to, at least.

[1:37:44] See, that's the thing.

[1:37:45] I don't know.

[1:37:46] It's almost like I think he's trying to do a much simpler type of story.

[1:37:53] And in doing that, he has inserted some interesting ideas and moments and put in an

[1:38:00] interesting time period to be covering, which has interesting things to say if you kind of

[1:38:07] push it forward a little bit about how race relations are now.

[1:38:12] But those moments are drowning in blood in a way that felt a lot to me.

[1:38:19] I enjoyed the movie a lot, but it felt a lot less earned to me than in some of his other stuff.

[1:38:23] This felt more like early Quentin Tarantino to me, where it was like, it'd be really cool

[1:38:27] if this guy got killed this way.

[1:38:29] No, I think that to me, my favorite Quentin Tarantino movies are probably Glorious Bastards.

[1:38:38] And this is going to be super controversial, but I really enjoy watching it.

[1:38:42] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which is not even a Quentin Tarantino movie.

[1:38:45] Yeah, it's so controversial.

[1:38:46] Just on a personal level, I really enjoy watching Death Proof, which is going to

[1:38:50] irritate a bunch of internet firebrands who feel the need to write me.

[1:38:58] Don't. I don't care. I don't care what your opinion is. It's a personal thing.

[1:39:04] Well, you're saying that it's your personal favorite. It's not what you think might be best.

[1:39:09] It's not necessarily the most polished thing that he's done.

[1:39:14] But I feel like this is sort of middle-tier Tarantino, which is fine.

[1:39:19] The thing about Quentin Tarantino is, whether you like him, whether you don't like him,

[1:39:25] he knows how to spin a yarn, and for the amount of time that the movie takes...

[1:39:32] He should have done it. But he comes from a yarn family.

[1:39:37] The Tarantino Yarn Works is known worldwide for its quality yarn.

[1:39:42] In a way, though it's a weird comparison, it's kind of like Pixar.

[1:39:46] Even Tarantino that's not great is still really good.

[1:39:50] Yeah, he set a very high mark. I walked out of the movie thinking,

[1:39:53] that wasn't as good as I wanted it to be for me, but he set a very high mark for himself.

[1:39:58] Yeah, there's stuff you can definitely...

[1:40:00] argue with this movie, and I would not think less of you for arguing it.

[1:40:08] But for a movie experience to go in and watch a 70mm Quintero film, it was transporting

[1:40:17] to me for the length of the movie.

[1:40:19] I was engrossed in a way that I'm often not going to see a movie.

[1:40:23] And so I liked the Hateful Eight a lot.

[1:40:27] And that's what I have to say.

[1:40:28] Elliot?

[1:40:29] Elliot?

[1:40:30] Oh, um...

[1:40:31] I was cueing you.

[1:40:32] I'm going to recommend this movie called Eight Hateful Guys.

[1:40:35] No, sorry.

[1:40:36] Eight heads in a duffel bag.

[1:40:37] No, that's...

[1:40:38] Weird.

[1:40:39] That's a bad choice.

[1:40:40] I didn't see anything recently that I particularly loved.

[1:40:43] I saw Eight Hateful Eight, and I liked it, but I didn't love it.

[1:40:46] And I had very high hopes for Carol, and was actually really disappointed in that.

[1:40:50] I liked it quite a lot, but I found it a little slower than I hoped.

[1:40:54] It was quite slow, which is not a bad thing, but, well, we can talk about it after.

[1:40:58] It was interesting.

[1:40:59] I actually...

[1:41:00] I think it's very good.

[1:41:01] I think it's very good.

[1:41:02] Once I read...

[1:41:03] It feels like that is a movie about an older woman who is kind of...

[1:41:08] Who is looking for someone that she can feel in love with, and finds this woman who is

[1:41:11] just kind of like following along.

[1:41:14] But the story in the book I found out later is about a younger woman who becomes kind

[1:41:18] of obsessed with this older woman as she falls in love with her.

[1:41:22] And they create a relationship with her.

[1:41:24] But it felt like...

[1:41:25] The movie felt unbalanced.

[1:41:26] And it wasn't until I read about the way the book was done that I was like, oh, that's

[1:41:30] why the movie felt unbalanced to me.

[1:41:31] So it gives another character more agency.

[1:41:34] Kind of.

[1:41:35] And also in that, like, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara are just not on the same level

[1:41:40] in some ways.

[1:41:41] So I was just drawn to Cate Blanchett throughout the movie, whereas...

[1:41:45] She's still Lanneryl, dude.

[1:41:46] She's Lanneryl.

[1:41:47] She's Lanneryl.

[1:41:48] Lanneryl.

[1:41:49] Lanneryl.

[1:41:50] I will say, though.

[1:41:51] If I had seen Carol later than The Hateful Eight, I probably would have recommended Carol.

[1:41:55] It's just a matter of what's newer in my mind.

[1:41:59] I think with Carol, my expectations were pretty high.

[1:42:02] Yeah.

[1:42:03] Were very high.

[1:42:04] But anyway.

[1:42:05] So I'm going to recommend, I think, the Eddie Murphy movie that I used to watch all the

[1:42:08] time as a kid, which was not The Golden Child, but which was Coming to America, which was

[1:42:13] an enormous hit for him.

[1:42:15] Only a couple of years later.

[1:42:17] Yeah.

[1:42:18] It was kind of like a return to form for him.

[1:42:21] And what's weird is that I came to know Eddie Murphy through that movie.

[1:42:24] Not as a human being.

[1:42:25] Not personally, but like...

[1:42:26] Yeah, you're not best friends with him.

[1:42:27] Not anymore.

[1:42:28] But that's...

[1:42:29] They're friends, but not best friends.

[1:42:30] But not best friends.

[1:42:31] You know, you drift.

[1:42:32] You drift apart from people over time.

[1:42:33] Yeah.

[1:42:34] When you get married, he won't be the best man at your wedding.

[1:42:35] Well, I mean, I was married and he wasn't.

[1:42:36] Wait.

[1:42:37] What are we talking about?

[1:42:38] But that was the movie that, as a kid, I saw the most.

[1:42:44] And so when I saw...

[1:42:46] After that was when I saw Beverly Hills Cop in Trading Places, and I was like, it's weird

[1:42:49] that he's playing this type of character all of a sudden.

[1:42:51] That he's not playing an African prince anymore.

[1:42:53] Like it was...

[1:42:54] My image of Eddie Murphy was formed through that movie.

[1:42:56] It was racist.

[1:42:57] No, but like, that movie was very much him trying to play a different type of comedy

[1:43:02] character.

[1:43:03] Yeah.

[1:43:04] So it was just weird that that's the one I associated with, because that's what I saw

[1:43:05] as a kid.

[1:43:06] But like...

[1:43:07] I mean, like...

[1:43:08] That's a movie that...

[1:43:09] Coming to America, like, his character, his persona is a lot sweeter than his, like, normal

[1:43:12] persona, which is like, sort of, like, lovable, cocky, asshole.

[1:43:17] Yeah.

[1:43:18] And there's a lot of funny stuff in it.

[1:43:19] I find myself quoting in my head a lot, well, you know, just throughout the day.

[1:43:23] And singing a song for Soul Glow, the hair gel that is featured in it.

[1:43:29] And to this day, the, like, TV edit, the Comedy Central edit, for the scene where he's out

[1:43:35] on the balcony, shouting, forget you too, every time I remember that name, time I think

[1:43:42] about saying fuck you to somebody.

[1:43:43] Or just any time somebody says forget you.

[1:43:45] But that's...

[1:43:46] Which happens all the time.

[1:43:48] Every time you think of the regular edit for Cee-Lo Green.

[1:43:52] Which is often, often in my thoughts.

[1:43:57] So I'm going to say Coming to America, and maybe live a little bit of how I lived when

[1:44:01] I was a kid.

[1:44:02] All right.

[1:44:03] So I guess eat a bowl of Cheerios while you're watching it.

[1:44:07] Well, like, regular style, because those smell so bad.

[1:44:10] Cheerios?

[1:44:11] Yeah, regular Cheerios make your breath smell really bad.

[1:44:14] I was a kid.

[1:44:15] I didn't care.

[1:44:16] Who was I kissing?

[1:44:17] You don't have any respect for the people around you?

[1:44:19] I was a kid.

[1:44:20] Of course I didn't.

[1:44:21] You don't have any respect for the people around you?

[1:44:24] If I had any respect for the people around me, I wouldn't eat these Cheerios.

[1:44:28] I'd be eating Crispix.

[1:44:29] But no, I hate everybody.

[1:44:30] Or Grape Nuts, maybe.

[1:44:31] So, by the way, that was the third time that Archie tried to jump into Elliot's lap.

[1:44:38] His whole episode.

[1:44:39] That's the warmest lap.

[1:44:40] He loves...

[1:44:41] He loves the most allergic one of us.

[1:44:44] CL Warm L. Cats love warm laps.

[1:44:47] That was my rap name.

[1:44:50] CL Warm L.

[1:44:52] We should sign off for this probably super weird episode of the podcast.

[1:44:59] We're all going to die.

[1:45:00] This is Frankenstein's Monster episode of the show.

[1:45:05] I hope it was easy to listen to, easier than it was to record.

[1:45:10] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:45:11] And I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:45:13] And I'm still Illy Kalen, but I don't know.

[1:45:15] Oh, thank God.

[1:45:16] Good night, everyone.

[1:45:17] Yes!

[1:45:18] Boy, oy, oy, oy.

[1:45:24] Every time Danielle and I finish watching a very serious or tragic movie at home,

[1:45:30] like we were watching Spotlight on the screener we got sent,

[1:45:33] whenever it's over, I wait until the credits start,

[1:45:35] and then I just press fast forward and I go,

[1:45:37] gotta check to see if they put any bloops in here.

[1:45:39] On this episode, we discussed our...

[1:45:42] We discussed.

[1:45:43] I'm disgusted by how you screwed that up.

[1:45:45] We're talking about The Golden Child.

[1:45:47] Okay, just click-drag it over to the garbage can I got.

[1:45:50] And release.

[1:45:51] And, yep, into the ether with thee.

[1:45:55] Oh.

[1:46:05] Listeners sent us letters.

[1:46:08] Now we're gonna read them as Stuart goes to get another beer.

[1:46:12] Kalen time right now as Stuart gets that beer.

[1:46:16] So gather round here and listen and hear

[1:46:20] Till what I'm saying as Stuart goes in

[1:46:23] He's opening up that beer

[1:46:26] And now the song is done.

[1:46:29] Seamless.

[1:46:31] Maximumfun.org

[1:46:33] Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

[1:46:35] Listener supported.

[1:46:37] If you've ever laughed at the Brits for the way they say schedule

[1:46:40] or Americans for the way we keep seeing Jesus in our food,

[1:46:43] join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters,

[1:46:45] a transatlantic panel game

[1:46:47] that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles

[1:46:50] against each other

[1:46:51] in a deadly Skype-based pop culture battle royale

[1:46:54] every two weeks

[1:46:55] or fortnightly as they say in Britain

[1:46:57] like they're better than us.

[1:46:59] Find it in iTunes or at Maximumfun.org

Category	Description	Start	End	Duration
castlefreak	stuart is part of the story now	1:29:49	1:32:05	2:16
lettersong	Golden Child with listener music	1:45:59	1:46:30	0:31

Ep. #195 - The Golden Child

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