Ep. #234 - The Accountant

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the accountant.

[0:03] Does the Beantown Batboy bring Botho B.O.?

[0:07] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[0:13] Bingo.

[0:14] Alliteration can only go so far.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] Hey, all you new listeners out there. I'm Stuart, the cool guy, Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] And you old listeners know me as that young whippersnapper, Ellie Kalin, who just can't keep interrupting all these other guys, for gosh darn sakes.

Stuart Wellington

[0:57] Now, of course, I'm addressing the new listeners.

[1:00] Ellie's addressing the old listeners because I'm sure they all came to the yard to hear us talk about the biggest movie in the world, starting with an A, The Accountant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Now, Dan, what is this podcast about before we start talking about The Accountant?

Dan McCoy

[1:13] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] Speaking of, hey, guys, I got an idea for a movie.

[1:19] Sure, okay.

[1:20] It's a new movie.

[1:21] Okay, brand new?

[1:22] It's called.

[1:23] Uh-huh.

[1:23] It's called.

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:26] Called.

[1:26] All right.

[1:27] Dr. Wonka.

[1:29] Okay.

[1:30] Uh-huh.

[1:33] And The Cavity Factory.

[1:34] Okay.

[1:35] He's a dentist.

[1:36] Oh, wow.

[1:37] Okay, that's going to be tough.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38] America doesn't like The Dentist, just ask Corbin Bernson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] It could also be called Dr. Wonka and The Chocolate Cavity.

[1:44] All right.

[1:45] But I like Cavity Factory.

[1:46] Now, here's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] Chocolate cavity is gross because that's the name of my...

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] No.

[1:52] Say no more.

[1:53] Not interested.

[1:55] Or maybe I am.

[1:56] I don't know.

[1:57] It's a musical.

[1:59] There's one song in there that goes like this.

[2:01] Come with me and you'll see a world of dental sanitation.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] That's all I've got so far.

[2:09] Dental sanitation?

Stuart Wellington

[2:11] Yeah, because it's about teeth and teeth clean.

Dan McCoy

[2:13] I understand.

[2:14] But there's little trucks that come by and...

[2:16] Yeah, because it's a world of whimsy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] So there's little trucks full of...

[2:20] They're called Molar Loompas.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] Yeah, it's a crossover with Pixar's hit trucks franchise.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] Yeah, yeah.

[2:26] And their hit teeth franchise.

Dan McCoy

[2:31] The Pixar didn't have the patent on teeth?

[2:34] Yeah, Pixar made that.

[2:36] They've got a lot of valuable holdings, but that's got to be their most valuable one.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] So you never saw that line item in your taxes every year that just says teeth?

[2:43] No.

[2:43] And then in parentheses, copyright Pixar?

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] That's why that Pixar movie, Teeth, involves guys getting their ding-dongs chopped off by a lady's teeth.

[2:51] Was that a Pixar movie?

[2:53] Pixar.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] I thought that's what you said.

[2:54] The graphics were very good in that movie.

[2:56] But it lacked the heart of a normal Pixar film.

[2:59] But it did have those Randy Newman songs in it.

[3:02] Streaks on the channel.

[3:03] No.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] You've got a friend in teeth.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] You've got a friend in teeth.

[3:09] The teeth are in a vagina.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] That's the song for that one.

[3:13] Yeah, it's hard to rhyme with vagina is the problem.

[3:15] The song just kind of abruptly ends there because Randy Newman couldn't think of a rhyme.

Elliott Kalan

[3:18] I mean, no, every now and then the music stops, but every now and then you hear him going,

[3:22] uh, angina?

[3:24] No.

[3:26] Malina?

[3:27] It's not a word.

[3:30] I kinda.

[3:31] But where's that going?

[3:31] Is it pronounced orangina?

[3:34] Orangina.

[3:35] No, that's orangina.

[3:36] Virginia.

[3:40] Chuck Mangianioni.

[3:42] No, Randy?

[3:43] No, you're not getting it.

[3:44] And it goes on like that for about 17 minutes.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:47] Great song.

Dan McCoy

[3:48] Yeah, well, he's a genius.

[3:49] Most people only heard the radio cut, which is much shorter.

[3:52] Yeah.

[3:54] So.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] So what do we do on this movie podcast?

[3:57] We're talking about bad movies.

Dan McCoy

[3:58] We're talking about bad movies.

[4:00] I, uh, I'm gonna apologize up front.

[4:02] I'm gonna make one of my patented Dan apologies.

[4:05] One of his pre-pologies.

[4:06] My sickness.

Stuart Wellington

[4:07] What did you do this time, dude?

[4:08] Oh, boy.

[4:09] Oh, you're getting us both sick?

Dan McCoy

[4:10] Yeah.

[4:10] You're getting the listeners sick?

[4:11] I'm getting the listeners sick.

[4:12] My germs are coming through your ear holes right now.

[4:15] Mm-hmm.

[4:16] We're spreading like a virus.

[4:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] Hey, finally our podcast is going viral.

[4:21] Okay.

[4:23] Hey, you don't have to be crazy to do this podcast, but it helps.

[4:27] Yeah.

[4:27] That's the toughest job you'll ever love.

[4:30] Hang in there, baby.

[4:32] Yep.

[4:33] Was that the Virginia Slims ad where the cat was hanging off a tree?

[4:36] I thought it was a baby hanging off a cigarette.

[4:40] No, you're thinking of, uh, what's the movie where the guy gets killed and he comes back

[4:44] as a lady?

[4:45] And in the poster, it's like a lady hanging off a gun.

[4:47] Helen Barkin.

[4:48] Yeah.

[4:49] Is it called Switch?

Stuart Wellington

[4:50] Oh, yeah.

[4:50] I think you're right.

[4:51] I was very interested in that movie growing up.

[4:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] Because it seemed like there was a lot of-

[4:56] Because it's Blake Edwards, right?

[4:57] I think it was Blake Edwards.

[4:58] And I think on the poster, she doesn't have pants on.

[5:00] Mm-hmm.

[5:00] She just runs like a man's shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[5:01] I'm a kid.

[5:02] I loved SOB by Blake Edwards.

[5:07] I love like a brilliant takedown of Hollywood culture.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] You liked that finally it had the topless Mary Poppins scene that everyone had been looking

[5:16] for.

[5:16] Her name is Mary Topless.

[5:17] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:21] You're talking about SOB or Switch?

[5:22] I'm talking about SOB.

[5:23] You would be right then.

[5:24] Okay.

[5:24] I don't have to roast you over the coals.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] So it's, it's Saab.

[5:28] That's the name?

[5:29] Yep.

[5:29] The name of the movie is Saab.

[5:30] So she cries a lot because she's like, Blake, why are you making me do this?

Dan McCoy

[5:34] Did Ellen Barkin ever star in a dog movie?

[5:36] Just, just for the fun.

[5:37] You read my mind and then I rejected that font and didn't say it out loud because I care

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] too much.

Dan McCoy

[5:46] She's just, yep.

[5:48] Wait, you got one.

[5:50] No, I'm just imagining her on the, uh, the circuit, you know, talking to the talk show

[5:56] people.

[5:56] But the short circuit, she's riding Johnny Five around?

[5:59] Yeah.

[5:59] She's riding Johnny Five around into Johnny Carson's show.

[6:03] And Johnny's like the Johnny Carson, not Johnny Five.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] Yeah.

[6:06] It sounds like I'm seeing double here.

[6:07] Two Johnnies.

[6:08] Why are you?

[6:09] Which one do I shoot?

[6:09] Forget about it.

Dan McCoy

[6:11] Why are you in this dog movie?

[6:13] And she, and they're like, is it for the kids?

[6:15] And she goes, no, just for the pun of it.

[6:19] And then she winks at the audience and she flies off on a little Peter Pan rig that she

[6:23] put on before the show.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] Oh, wow.

[6:25] What did this turn into the moth?

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] So what do we do on this podcast together?

[6:33] Okay.

[6:34] So Dan, what do we do on this podcast for the third time?

[6:36] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[6:37] And what movie did we watch?

[6:38] Did we watch a bad movie this time?

[6:40] Come on, guys.

Dan McCoy

[6:40] We watched a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[6:42] So I think they're like, we need to really catch people's eyes when they're in the video

[6:48] store.

[6:48] So let's start the movie with A and we need a big star.

[6:51] Let's also find a big star whose last name starts with A.

Elliott Kalan

[6:54] As most video stores, which still exist, are alphabetized by the last name of the star in the

Stuart Wellington

[6:59] movie.

[6:59] Do we get Asmodeus to star in this movie?

[7:02] It's too bad.

[7:03] No, he doesn't exist.

[7:04] Too bad there are no famous aardvarks in Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[7:07] We'd be the first in the row with the video.

[7:10] Arthur?

[7:11] Hello.

[7:12] Hello.

[7:13] What?

[7:14] Arthur the aardvark.

[7:16] Okay.

[7:17] And was he going to be in an action film?

[7:19] Well, I'm just saying there are no famous aardvarks in Hollywood.

[7:22] In Hollywood, Dan.

[7:24] Although he is.

[7:25] He's not in Hollywood.

[7:25] He's a PBS character.

[7:26] He probably lives in Pittsburgh.

Stuart Wellington

[7:27] Arthur is a nerd who gets mad.

[7:30] Oh, yeah.

[7:30] And Ben Affleck's character is a nerd who gets mad.

[7:33] I would have.

[7:34] This movie would have been more interesting if it did star Arthur the aardvark.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] Yeah, an animated aardvark.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] I stand corrected.

[7:41] Romance is Anna Kendrick.

[7:42] There's one famous aardvark.

[7:44] He was recently, he's been in a lot of relationships with famous Hollywood actresses.

[7:49] Yeah.

[7:49] So, yeah.

[7:50] He is in Hollywood a lot of the time.

[7:51] Probably to visit like his girlfriend, Eva Longoria.

[7:54] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[7:56] So, this is a movie about a guy called Ben Affleck.

Stuart Wellington

[8:01] So, is this movie a huge success?

[8:03] This movie was a middling success.

[8:06] And, at least according to what, CinemaScore, it was like the best movie of the year.

[8:10] He got an A from CinemaScore.

[8:11] Richard Roper couldn't stop fucking jizzing on this thing.

[8:14] Three and a half stars.

[8:15] Yeah, he was a disease.

[8:15] He said, quote, I jizzed all over it.

Dan McCoy

[8:17] He could not stop jizzing.

[8:19] Oh, man.

[8:20] He had to go to the doctor.

[8:21] They had to take it out of his eyeline or else.

[8:23] Eventually, he was, yeah, he was so dehydrated from too much jizz.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] People were just screaming at the projectionist, turn it off, you're killing him.

[8:31] But the projectionist had already died from jizz dehydration.

[8:37] Yeah.

[8:37] Yeah, it's just like the film in, what's the name of that Masters of Heart episode?

[8:41] Cigarette Burns?

[8:42] Cigarette Burns, yeah.

[8:42] The film that drives people crazy.

[8:44] The one that Drew McQueenie wrote.

[8:45] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[8:47] Ain't it cool news is Moriarty, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] Oh, I didn't realize that.

[8:51] Okay, so, Dan, do you want to do the plot tonight, Mr. Sickie?

Dan McCoy

[8:54] No, I really don't.

[8:55] I feel like I started.

[8:57] You sound all fired up about it.

[8:58] Yeah.

[8:59] Okay, there's a guy called, his name is Christian Wolfe.

[9:04] Okay.

[9:05] Yep.

[9:05] And he's, we see him first as a very young kid.

[9:08] Nope.

[9:09] What?

[9:09] Kinda.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] The first thing we see is the aftermath of a crime.

[9:13] Mm-hmm.

[9:13] A number of dead bodies are littering a hallway, but we don't know who committed it or why.

[9:17] And the movie wants us to ask, who committed this crime?

[9:20] But really what we're asking is, did we walk into the middle of a different movie?

Stuart Wellington

[9:23] And it feels a lot like I'm watching like a first time teaser trailer for a new like crime

[9:31] shooter video game.

[9:32] Yeah.

[9:33] Like you don't see any faces, you just see like some dead bodies and like a close up of

[9:36] a gun and there's like a lot of creaking sound effects.

[9:39] And then it says rated M for mature at the end.

[9:40] Uh-huh.

[9:41] Not for marriage.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] No.

[9:43] So Dan, okay.

[9:45] His name, so we start out, he's a kid.

[9:46] His name's not Christian Wolf yet.

[9:48] Uh.

[9:49] Now what's this kid?

[9:50] Now it's the past.

[9:51] We're in like the 80s.

[9:52] Mm-hmm.

[9:52] Uh, this kid.

Dan McCoy

[9:55] Yeah.

[9:55] There's a bunch of Rubik's Cubes and leg warmers all over the place.

[9:58] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:58] Everybody's singing Let's Get Physical.

[10:00] Mm-hmm.

[10:01] And, uh, what, uh, like Disco Duck?

[10:04] Was that an 80s song?

[10:06] Pac-Man Fever.

[10:06] Pac-Man Fever I think probably would be.

[10:08] Okay.

[10:08] Pac-Man.

[10:08] They're all singing Pac-Man Fever.

[10:09] That's why he's got a Walkman.

[10:10] And Reagan walks through and he's like, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

[10:14] In the 80s.

[10:15] Mm-hmm.

[10:15] And then, uh.

[10:16] And then he moonwalks out of the room.

[10:18] Yep.

[10:18] Exactly.

[10:19] And Isaac Asimov is like, I only have a certain number of years to live because I die in the

[10:23] early 90s.

[10:24] That really, that really grounds it in the 80s.

[10:26] It's horrifying.

[10:27] Yeah.

[10:27] Terrible that he knew his own death.

[10:29] Anyway, uh, so Dan.

[10:31] Yeah.

[10:32] Want to tell me?

[10:33] We're in a special setting.

[10:34] Some parents have brought their child to be evaluated.

Dan McCoy

[10:37] Yeah.

[10:38] The kid is a troublesome youth.

[10:40] And they don't say out loud what the.

[10:43] Okay.

[10:44] What the, uh.

[10:46] What do you call it?

[10:47] He has difficulty.

[10:48] The diagnosis is.

[10:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] This, uh.

[10:50] This kid has difficulty handling, uh.

[10:53] He has difficulty handling, too, probably.

[10:54] Probably.

[10:55] With hand rings.

[10:56] Yep.

[10:56] Uh.

[10:57] He can't handle some, uh.

[10:58] Like, an overload of sensory input.

[11:01] And yet he's, like, super smart.

[11:03] High functioning.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] He's a super genius with puzzles.

[11:05] He puts together a whole puzzle without looking at the picture.

[11:07] But when he's missing one piece, he throws a fit.

[11:09] And it's very clear that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum.

[11:14] Which should have been a better name.

[11:15] It sounds like.

[11:16] That would have been a great name.

[11:17] If you don't know what the autism spectrum is, it sounds like a, either a spy novel or

[11:21] like a pulp science fiction novel.

[11:24] Mm-hmm.

[11:25] Like, uh.

[11:26] Like, uh.

[11:27] CIA scientist Jack Ramekin thought that they were pushing the edges of reality.

[11:32] He didn't realize he was about to discuss, about to enter the autism spectrum.

[11:37] And it's about, like, a color that drives you crazy.

[11:39] Uh.

[11:40] Sure.

[11:41] Which actually sounds like a Grant Morrison story, now that I think about it.

[11:43] Yeah.

[11:44] It doesn't sound like that.

[11:45] But, uh.

[11:46] So, he is.

[11:47] He's being evaluated.

[11:48] The guy runs, like, a home for children who have these kinds of special needs.

Stuart Wellington

[11:53] And he's, he's got a, like, a little touchy-feely solution.

[11:57] He's like, let's study him.

[11:59] Give him a quiet place to learn.

Elliott Kalan

[12:00] He's like Professor X if instead of mutant powers, everyone had autism-related powers.

[12:05] Yeah.

[12:05] And, uh, because this movie, and we'll get into it eventually, it is one of many movies

[12:10] I assume that I can, I feel like I've seen them, but not all of them come to mind, that

[12:15] posit that, uh, something that is, for many people in real life, a disability is actually

[12:20] a superpower.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] Yeah.

[12:23] Yeah.

[12:23] Well, something that is, can make life difficult, and other people are kind of weirded

[12:30] out by, and either fear or treat people with that as different, or, like, they're less

[12:37] than human.

[12:38] Uh, it shows that they're, like, kind of a breed apart, and they are like mutants.

[12:43] Uh, according to these movies, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:45] Uh, so anyway, and he has a younger brother, who's the only, who, they talk about how his

[12:50] younger brother can calm him down, but then in the scene, the younger brother just sits

[12:53] there and watches his brother, like, throw a fit, and this girl who's in the room, who has

[12:58] her own issues, gives the final piece of the puzzle to this kid, and everything's okay.

[13:03] And the dad is...

[13:04] And you, the viewer should be like, that's foreshadowing.

[13:06] Mm-hmm.

[13:06] And the dad is like, this isn't the right way to do it.

[13:09] He, he does, can't handle stimulation well, so you want to take him away from stimulation?

[13:13] The world is full of stimulation.

[13:15] He's got to get used to it.

[13:16] Yeah.

[13:16] This guy is all tough love.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] He's like, deal with it, man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] Mm-hmm.

[13:20] Yep.

[13:20] D-W-I-M-J-W-I-M.

[13:22] Deal with it, man.

[13:23] And he, uh, yeah, he shakes his head all sassy, and you're like, wow, what's this guy's deal?

[13:27] Mm-hmm.

[13:28] And he's played by Jack A, so there's just extra sass on top of sass.

[13:32] Mm-hmm.

[13:32] He's also in the military.

[13:34] Yes.

[13:35] Uh, I don't know if we know that at the time.

[13:37] Yeah, yeah, they say that they have to travel around a lot because of his job.

[13:40] That's right.

[13:40] It's a big exposition dump.

[13:41] So anyway, uh, cut to the present, and that boy has grown up to be Christian Wolfe, an

[13:49] accountant who is a super accountant, uh, and he manages, we, we, we, we learned he's an

[13:55] amazing accountant by this couple walk into his office.

Stuart Wellington

[13:59] Just a couple of blue-collar Joes just trying to make their family farm work.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] Older white people, the guy's wearing a trucker hat, the lady, you can tell, goes to church.

Stuart Wellington

[14:08] She was probably prom queen, but now she's an old lady.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] Yeah, so she's like.

[14:13] Okay.

[14:13] I mean, come on.

[14:15] That's how time works.

Dan McCoy

[14:16] Dan, every prom queen becomes an old lady, hopefully.

[14:19] That's a beautiful song that you just wrote.

[14:21] Every prom queen.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] Every prom queen becomes an old lady, hopefully.

[14:26] Every prom queen lives to see her best days pass her by.

[14:31] Cause when you think about it, isn't it sadder if she doesn't become an old lady?

[14:36] Cause it means somewhere along the road, something went wrong, some heavy load.

[14:41] Just smooshed her from above, probably a peony or an anvil.

[14:46] Why was she walking underneath that moving company crane?

[14:50] She saw all those orange cones around, what she did was kind of insane.

[14:55] Young prom queen, you got a lot of years ahead of you for regret.

[15:00] But isn't it better yet that you walk under a net?

[15:04] And not that part between the net and the building where the piano can just fall to the ground.

[15:09] It isn't sound, that chain holding the piano.

[15:12] Someone should have checked it a long time ago.

[15:17] You know.

[15:17] Young prom queen.

[15:19] The story song is an art poem.

Stuart Wellington

[15:20] Wow, Dan's making this like stretch motion with his hands.

[15:23] Like stretch the song out.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] Like stretch Armstrong.

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:26] Which is what Lance Armstrong was called when he lied about his stuff.

[15:29] Yeah.

[15:29] Stretch the truth, Armstrong.

[15:31] That's a hot take.

[15:32] Anyway, so we learned that Christian Wolfe is a wonder.

[15:35] Wolfe is a wonder.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] I thought that was what he called his penis.

[15:37] Stretch Armstrong.

[15:39] Because what, he did puppetry the penis with it?

[15:42] He's like, whoop.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] I call this one the Tour de Franc.

[15:46] Looks like a hot dog.

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:48] You're just putting your penis in a hot dog bun.

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:51] Puppetry.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Anyway, looks like a pretty good hot dog, doesn't it?

[15:55] No, don't eat your own penis, Lance.

[15:57] Wait, he got paid to put his penis in a hot dog bun?

[16:00] I do that shit for free all the time.

[16:03] That's why you're a fool.

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] Lance Armstrong's a genius.

[16:05] Mm-hmm.

[16:06] Anyway.

[16:07] I guess do what you love, you know?

[16:08] Yeah, yeah.

[16:09] He died as he lived with his penis in a hot dog bun.

[16:13] So, Christian Wolfe shows us that he's a superstar accountant by saying,

[16:16] hey, that thing that you sell in your house, let's call it a business.

[16:20] And now your house is a place of business, and the truck you own is the business truck.

[16:23] And you can write it all off on your taxes.

[16:25] Which is literally, I think, accounting 101 for CPAs,

[16:29] which is make everything a business expense and write it off.

Dan McCoy

[16:32] Yeah.

[16:33] It's not the most amazing accounting hoopla,

[16:37] but it really impresses this old couple who invite him out to spend time at the farm

[16:43] whenever they want to.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] And he uses their farm as a shooting range where he uses a high-powered rifle

[16:47] to shoot cantaloupes with unhappy faces painted on them.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] At a oddly short range, like so close that it seems like overkill.

[16:57] He's got one of those-

[16:58] And it's no test of skill whatsoever.

Elliott Kalan

[16:59] No, it's like one of those enemy-at-the-gates sniper rifles.

[17:03] Yeah.

[17:03] And he's maybe like, what, 100 feet away from these cantaloupes?

Dan McCoy

[17:06] No, the guy looks at him over with his binoculars,

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] and he's like, it's got to be a mile.

[17:12] Oh, okay.

[17:13] Because it didn't look like a mile.

[17:14] It didn't look like a mile.

[17:15] No.

[17:15] I mean, I think they could pan between him and the cantaloupes.

[17:18] Yeah.

[17:18] Also, they're called binocs.

[17:20] Okay.

[17:21] Because that reminds me of my-

[17:22] Like a binoc.

[17:22] Binox.

[17:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:24] Now, guys, we're living in a post-Wanted world.

[17:28] Am I to be impressed by a guy who shoots things and doesn't bend bullets around stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] Anyone can shoot something in a straight line.

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Let's wanted it up.

[17:36] And nobody has a tiger tattooed on their back in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] There's no magic loom.

[17:41] Nobody uses antique whaling bullets anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] Okay.

[17:45] Also, Ben Affleck's company is ZZZ Accounting.

[17:48] Because this movie really put me to sleep.

[17:51] What we find out is Ben Affleck is actually a super criminal accountant.

[17:56] He's the guy who, he's really great at unpacking books to find where money is being leaked from places.

Stuart Wellington

[18:02] Guys, do you think there was a moment when this script screenplay was being chopped around in the 80s when they're like,

[18:08] you know what, we really need ZZ Top to walk by and be like, no, that's an account.

[18:15] Do I think that that happened?

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] Yeah, do you think that happened?

[18:17] Probably they had written in a scene where the ZZ Top was by and they just pull their sunglasses down and look and they go, too many Zs.

[18:22] And they just walk away.

[18:25] But then Ziggy comes out and he's like, hey, if you add me, there's enough Zs for everyone.

[18:29] And then the movie comes about Ziggy joining ZZ Top.

[18:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:32] And Ziggy's trying to grow a beard.

[18:34] Not happening.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] No, but they sing legs about him because he doesn't wear pants.

[18:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:40] I like this movie.

[18:41] Let's make that movie instead of the accountant.

Elliott Kalan

[18:42] It's called ZZ Top.

[18:44] And they're like, we're on the ZZ Bottom now that Ziggy joined us.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] And Ziggy's like, oh, dear.

[18:49] Do you know that Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top has a coffee table book that's just like pictures of him and his cars and guitars?

[18:57] And it's called Cars and Guitars.

[18:59] I thought it was going to be pictures of beards.

[19:01] No, I mean, if he's in the picture, there's a picture of a beard.

[19:04] There's always a beard in his head.

[19:06] He's basically a wizard.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:08] Just disembodied beards of everybody.

[19:11] What, like famous beards?

[19:13] Yeah, famous beards of America.

Elliott Kalan

[19:13] But removed from the people that, that's got to be a Tumblr.

[19:16] Famous beards on their own.

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:18] Here again, a beard on my own.

Stuart Wellington

[19:22] Oh, wow, there's a song.

[19:23] Is the guitar tablature on that Tumblr?

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] I flew off of the only chin I've known.

[19:28] A strong wind made me have to walk alone.

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Stuart just shook his beard to see whether he had any alcohol they could make through this.

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] He's like, hmm, is there any more sleeping potion?

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] So Ben Affleck is, we learn, as when J.K. Simmons, the director of the Treasury, or no, it's the director of the Secret Service.

[19:48] He's the director of some investigative body for the Treasury.

[19:50] I think it's, yeah, I think it's.

[19:51] I mean, the Secret Service investigates currency problems for the Treasury.

[19:55] That's why they were created, but I don't know.

[19:57] I don't remember what he's the head of.

[19:58] He brings in a woman named.

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] For all the exposition, they don't explain that.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] No, he brings in a woman named Medina and says to her, oh, you've been working really well as an assistant.

[20:06] Why don't you ever get asked to be promoted to agent?

[20:08] You're the one who's doing all these investigations.

[20:10] How would you describe this woman, Medina?

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] Funky, but a little cold.

[20:15] All right.

[20:16] And she, I think she likes flying under the radar because she's got a sketchy past.

[20:21] She committed a crime for the right reasons.

[20:25] And she also has a tattoo of a gun right on her pelvis.

[20:27] There's only two situations in which you have to do something for the right reasons.

[20:31] Be a contestant on The Bachelor or be somebody who's in jail or has committed a crime.

[20:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] Okay.

[20:37] Sometimes those are the same thing.

[20:40] J.K.

Dan McCoy

[20:41] Simmons threatens to release her sketchy past if she doesn't find the accountant for him.

[20:47] Sounds like the hero character.

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:49] She lied about being a felon on her forum for a government job.

[20:54] And that's a felony in and of itself.

[20:55] So he says, I'm going to reveal the secrets unless you find out who this guy is who's doing all this accounting work for these evil organizations.

[21:04] For crime bosses and triads and terror groups.

Dan McCoy

[21:07] Because it wasn't enough motivation just the fact that he's her boss and she needs to do her job, which is finding the accountant.

[21:14] There had to be another motivation.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] Well, Dan, we find out later that there is another motivation.

[21:20] But we'll get to that.

[21:21] We'll GTT get to that.

[21:24] Do you want to trademark that real quick?

[21:29] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[21:30] So that totally just feels like the motivation that makes no sense in the real world, but a screenwriter is like, I got it.

[21:38] I did it.

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:40] The perfect motivation.

Elliott Kalan

[21:42] Now, we find out that Ben Affleck is, he also has an English-accented, basically Joan Cusack in gross point blank, but we never see her.

[21:51] We're only here on the phone.

[21:52] And she looks out for him and arranges his jobs and is advising him always like, don't go here.

[21:57] Go there.

[21:57] She sounds like a Siri.

[21:59] Yeah.

[21:59] An English Siri.

[22:01] Was she English?

[22:02] It sounded English, didn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[22:04] I mean, it sounds like a robot of some somewhere.

[22:06] Yeah.

[22:06] I mean, the whole time I was like, is this a game?

[22:09] Nationality second.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] The whole time I was like wondering, is this a computer or is this a real person?

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:13] It turns out it's both in the end.

[22:15] We'll get there.

[22:16] And also.

Stuart Wellington

[22:17] And there were points when I thought the same thing about our friend Ben Affleck.

[22:20] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] Now, Ben Affleck, we know, likes to go home at night.

[22:24] He eats.

[22:25] Like all of us.

[22:26] Like all of us.

[22:26] He goes home at night, but this is where it gets weird.

[22:28] He takes out his one plate.

[22:30] Okay.

[22:31] And his one set of silverware.

[22:32] It's a waste of water.

[22:33] And after dinner from 9.45 to 10 p.m.

Dan McCoy

[22:36] Well, you know whether he's using a dishwasher.

[22:38] I mean, he could be individually washing those with the minimum amount of water needed to get them clean.

Stuart Wellington

[22:43] Yeah, he probably cleans it with fucking hot sand or something.

[22:46] Yeah.

[22:47] Which, by the way, sand as a resource is going away, guys.

[22:53] Really?

[22:53] So call up Anakin.

[22:55] What are you talking about?

[22:55] I heard somewhere that the world's sand reserves are not infinite.

[23:00] Nothing is infinite in the world.

[23:02] Uh, love.

[23:04] Good point.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] It's the only thing where the more you give, the more you get.

[23:07] No kidding.

Dan McCoy

[23:08] You can't run out of love.

[23:09] So what do we need this sand for?

[23:10] Like sandpaper and sandals?

[23:13] We use less sand for lots of stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] Fucking beanbag chairs and shit, too.

[23:15] Yeah, yeah.

[23:15] Of course, the bean bear chair.

[23:17] Bean bear chairs.

[23:19] The bean bear chair industry doesn't exist, so they don't have a problem.

Dan McCoy

[23:23] The bean bears are like a series of books for kids trying to get them to eat beans.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] It's little bears, we swear.

[23:31] Pop them in your mouth.

[23:32] Mm-hmm.

[23:33] Who wouldn't want to eat a tiny bear?

[23:36] Now, Ben Affleck.

[23:38] We learn that, one, he has an Airstream trailer full of priceless artwork and comic books and currency.

[23:46] Like dope-ass guns.

[23:47] But every day from 9.45 p.m. to 10 p.m., he sits in a room and sets a flashing light off and listens to some kind of hardcore nu metal or something.

[23:55] While he hits his roll-

Stuart Wellington

[23:57] And it's also like some real abrasive industrial stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Well, he takes a stick and rolls it along his leg like, as Stuart suggested, he's making cookies out of his leg.

[24:07] Mm-hmm.

[24:08] Or hits his leg with it and remembers the bad times when he was going crazy, his mom left the family, and his dad decided to get a little too tough.

[24:17] And took, his dad took him and his brother to Jakarta, where he hired a man to teach them how to be ultimate fighters by beating them up a lot.

[24:26] Yep.

[24:26] And that's the set- that's all set up.

[24:28] We need to know that Ben Affleck is now-

[24:31] Oh, and also, while he was in jail for a period, we don't know why yet, and learned how to be a black market accountant from-

[24:38] Why is his name escaping me?

[24:40] From Arrested Development and Transmatter.

[24:41] Yeah, Jeffrey Tambor.

[24:42] Jeffrey Tambor, the man who invented the tambourine.

[24:45] Mm-hmm.

[24:45] Anyway, he learns how to be an accountant from him, and now he's the world's best criminal accountant.

[24:51] He goes in, and when the books are cooked, he uncooks them, sees what the problem is.

[24:55] Cooks them back up again.

[24:56] Cooks them back up.

[24:57] Delicious books.

[24:57] Maybe he fries them up.

[24:58] Maybe he makes a delicious gumbo stew.

[25:01] Maybe a lot of roux out of those books.

[25:03] Gumbo stew is this character I've been workshopping on.

[25:06] What does he sound like, Stu?

[25:07] I guarantee.

[25:09] Oh, ho, ho.

[25:09] Okay, so he sounds a lot like Leatherhead from the Ninja Turtles.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] Yeah.

[25:13] How did he know I did the most for Leatherhead?

[25:15] You did Leatherhead's voice?

[25:17] Yeah, yeah.

[25:17] Why are people from New Orleans always guaranteeing things?

Stuart Wellington

[25:21] You know, I think there-

[25:23] You know, I believe there was a time where-

[25:26] People from New Orleans were kind of considered to be like scam artists.

[25:32] Oh, never mind.

[25:33] And so they had to like double guarantee things because people didn't believe them when they said it without a guarantee.

[25:39] Right.

[25:40] That makes sense.

[25:41] Does that make sense?

[25:42] Yeah.

[25:43] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[25:43] I buy that.

[25:44] You buy that?

[25:45] I think I read a-

[25:46] I think I got a whole swamp full of gators I could sell you.

Elliott Kalan

[25:50] Crawdads.

[25:51] Could swap that with crawdads.

[25:52] A lot of priceless crawdads made out of diamonds and pearls.

[25:56] Okay.

[25:57] You know, I could make a lot of money myself, but I'm a busy man.

[26:00] And, you know, it used to belong to my mama.

[26:02] And I'm pretty sad now that she's sadly passed.

[26:05] And, Mom, shut up.

[26:06] I'm almost done.

[26:06] Okay.

[26:07] So, you want to buy this thing?

[26:08] Here's the lease off my hands.

[26:10] I know it looks just like a Happy Meal box, but that's actually the lease to this swamp full of diamonds.

[26:15] You know-

[26:15] I guarantee it.

[26:16] Because I'm sick-

Stuart Wellington

[26:17] That's a good vampire Lestat impression.

Dan McCoy

[26:19] Because I'm sick, Elliot's like long rambling impressions are sort of like fever dreams a little bit.

[26:26] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[26:26] Like fever dream, a George R. R. Martin's novel about vampires in New Orleans.

[26:31] Hooray.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] Oh, full circle.

[26:33] Just like Michael Palin.

[26:34] Anyway, so let's get back to the movie.

[26:37] So, the feds are after Ben Affleck, but he doesn't know it.

[26:41] Ben Affleck gets hired for a new job.

[26:44] He's going to go to Chicago, and he's going to be hired by John Lithgow, who is the head of a robot company.

[26:50] Called Living Robotics.

[26:51] And here, I guess they're trying to make some sort of parallel between his kind of mechanical computerish way of seeing the world and these robots.

[27:01] They're asking, what is human?

[27:02] But they don't really go very far with that, and John Lithgow might as well have owned a licorice company for as much as it matters.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] And you're not going to tease me with the idea of living robots and then not show me Chi McBride with a stogie in his mouth, blasting him with shotguns.

[27:19] Or is it Chai McBride?

[27:20] Chi?

[27:20] Chai?

[27:21] Chicago McBride.

Elliott Kalan

[27:22] That's what I thought it was.

[27:23] Yeah.

[27:24] So, he gets hired because there's something funny about the books at Living Robotics.

[27:30] Yeah.

[27:30] Founded by John Lithgow and...

[27:33] And Gene Smart.

[27:34] And Gene Smart, who was John Lithgow's wife in it, and some other guy.

[27:37] Now, we've also been introduced in a scene that the movie makers might have thought was tougher and cool than it was.

[27:43] This mysterious guy played by TV's The Punisher.

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] Yeah, John Barenthal?

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] Sounds like a name.

[27:49] He played a bad guy in Sicario.

[27:51] All right.

[27:51] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[27:52] He's the guy who she recognizes because of the rubber bands he uses, right?

[27:55] Mm-hmm.

[27:56] And he beats up a guy for corporate reasons.

[28:00] He's some kind of mysterious, traveling, sophisticated thug.

[28:02] He's some sort of corporate enforcer.

[28:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:05] Who, like, yeah, he, like, he has a gun, so it's implied that he kills people.

[28:11] And he will travel.

[28:11] He just beats up the first guy we see.

[28:14] But, uh...

[28:14] In Zurich, of all places.

[28:16] Ugh.

[28:17] Come on.

[28:17] Tell me about it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:18] You can't spell Zurich without rich.

Dan McCoy

[28:20] All right.

[28:21] Zurich is a city.

[28:23] Uh-huh.

[28:24] Tell me more.

[28:24] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[28:27] Switzerland?

[28:28] Is it in Switzerland?

Stuart Wellington

[28:31] Is it in the French or German part?

[28:34] It's kind of...

[28:36] Italian part?

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:38] What's the major industry there, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] Nazi gold?

[28:42] Swedish fish.

Stuart Wellington

[28:43] How would you describe...

[28:44] Wait, that doesn't make sense.

[28:45] No.

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] How would you describe the Zurich theater scene?

[28:49] Thriving?

[28:50] Experimental, traditional, dance-based, struggling?

[28:55] I would call it erotic.

Dan McCoy

[28:58] Oh, okay.

[28:58] Going to see some of the Zurich erotic Swedish fish theater.

[29:03] This Mad Libs turned out pretty good.

[29:05] Yeah.

[29:05] I really started a thing that...

[29:07] I started a joke that I had no business being in.

[29:14] That's sort of a song, right?

[29:15] From what?

[29:17] I started...

[29:18] It was another time when I started a reference that I didn't really know the reference.

[29:22] Yeah.

[29:22] So what was that song?

[29:23] I started a joke that left the whole world crying or something like that.

[29:28] I didn't know that song.

[29:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:30] So cut back to Ben Affleck, who has...

Dan McCoy

[29:32] Is that like a Ray Charles song?

[29:35] I can look it up, but you're having too much fun pestering me about it.

[29:39] You know it, so let's get back to the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] Ben Affleck has knuckled down and has hit the books, and he has cracked open these 15 years of books.

Elliott Kalan

[29:50] Oh, with the help of the accountant who originally found the inconsistency in the books, one Anna Kendrick.

Dan McCoy

[29:57] Oh, great.

[29:57] I like Anna Kendrick.

[29:58] Oh, the Bee Gees sang it.

[30:01] Sorry.

[30:02] Okay.

[30:03] I started a joke.

[30:04] The CB Bee Gees?

[30:06] Yeah.

[30:08] Cow butt, guy butt.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] Cow butt.

[30:12] CBGB, the famous bar.

[30:14] Cow butt, guy butt.

[30:16] We got two kinds of butts on offer.

Dan McCoy

[30:19] Hey, do you have lizard butts in here?

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] Read the awning.

Stuart Wellington

[30:23] Get out of here, you square.

[30:26] So Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick, they crack the code in this hilarious montage with a music swell where you're supposed to be like, oh, a beautiful mind is as good as a beautiful heart.

[30:40] Where he writes shit all over the windows.

[30:42] And he's realizing that he's finding patterns in the numbers.

[30:46] He finds an inaccuracy with the numbers, and he's like, hey, must be the money.

[30:52] That's the solution.

[30:53] No, I've been waiting to say that all day.

[30:56] You got up this morning.

[30:57] Yeah, yeah.

[30:58] I was thinking.

[30:59] He woke up this morning and then wanted to say that.

[31:01] I was like, isn't it sad that Married with Children didn't last so long that they couldn't do a parody version of, hey, must be the Bundy.

Dan McCoy

[31:10] It is sad.

[31:11] That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.

[31:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] Really, Dan?

[31:16] Not to date when this show was done, but this news was full of way sadder things that happened.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] I didn't pay attention.

[31:22] I was.

[31:23] That's true.

[31:23] You had to work sick today.

[31:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] We walked in and Dan said he barfed all over the place.

[31:28] I did barf.

[31:28] And we're like, okay, let's watch a shitty movie together.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] Well, the weird thing is, Dan goes, okay, I threw up today.

[31:35] I'm not feeling very well.

[31:36] So our choices are the accountant or hardcore Harry.

[31:38] We're like, wait a minute, Dan.

[31:40] You already threw up once today.

[31:41] Are you going to watch a movie that's essentially a stuntman with a GoPro strapped to his forehead

[31:45] jumping motorcycles out of burning airplanes?

Stuart Wellington

[31:48] He's like, before we watch it, I want you to put me in this office chair and spin me around.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] Strap me into this thing I just bought.

[31:54] It's what they use at NASA to get astronauts used to high G's.

[31:58] Swing me around in it a bunch of times.

Dan McCoy

[32:00] Look, I'm operating under the theory of the father from the accountant where I need to learn

[32:05] how to deal with all these things.

Elliott Kalan

[32:07] Now, the whole time I'm watching the movie, strap me into this old-timey exercise machine

[32:10] that's just a belt that jiggles me.

Stuart Wellington

[32:13] My wife just got her picture taken.

[32:15] Here's some warm milk you can drink.

Elliott Kalan

[32:18] Milk?

[32:19] What's that?

[32:20] What's milk?

[32:21] Is that like Melmac, where Alf came from?

[32:23] Milk.

[32:24] Milk.

[32:25] Oh, milk, the drink.

[32:27] Milk.

[32:27] I was like, what is this, a new thing?

[32:29] Is that something the kids are drinking now?

[32:31] Is that something with a Red Bull in it?

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:35] The three burials of Milky Otis Estrada?

[32:38] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[32:38] Is that another way to refer to...

[32:43] Sorry, I'm broke.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] Speaking of broke, this company's going to go broke if they can't figure out what's going

[32:52] on with the money.

[32:53] It turns out somebody was stealing money and then plunging it back into the company and

[32:57] hiding it.

[32:59] They've got the sucks specs down to three.

[33:02] You just said sucks specs.

[33:04] I didn't like this movie.

[33:06] They've got the suspects down to one, really.

[33:08] And that's John Lithgow's best friend, who's with the company 15 years.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] Who, in a better world, would have been played by TV's Matt Frewer.

[33:16] Yes.

[33:16] But instead they got the second best.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] Some guy.

[33:20] Or Tom Noonan, I could see doing it.

[33:21] Either one of those guys.

[33:24] How come they've never done a show together?

Stuart Wellington

[33:25] Matt Frewer and Tom Noonan?

[33:27] Yeah, I would see that in a hard...

[33:28] That would have been great.

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:29] Neither of them should have to play an alien, though.

[33:32] No.

[33:32] This should be the time where they don't have to be aliens.

[33:34] No, somebody else has to be an alien.

[33:36] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] That's the name of the show.

[33:38] Somebody else is an alien.

[33:40] And it turns...

[33:41] But meanwhile...

[33:43] So he's discovered that, and Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick start...

[33:46] You know, Anna Kendrick's interested in talking about...

[33:47] A little bit of light flirting.

[33:49] A little bit.

[33:49] It's hard for Anna Kendrick to flirt with Ben Affleck because he doesn't understand emotions

[33:53] the same way other people do.

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] Although, for most of the movie, he's like just a normal dude.

[33:58] Slightly nervous.

[33:59] Like, slightly shy.

[34:00] But not that weird.

[34:01] I mean, the thing is, he's just kind of a nerd.

Elliott Kalan

[34:05] Yeah.

[34:05] Aside from the 15 minutes a day that he spends hitting his leg with a stick while he listens

[34:10] to dissonant music, and then the other parts of the day where he reads super fast and puts

[34:15] patterns together, he's just kind of like a quiet nerd.

Stuart Wellington

[34:17] Yeah.

[34:18] Like, if he snuck onto the set of TV's number one comedy, The Big Bang Theory, right next

[34:22] to Sheldar and whatever the fuck their names are.

[34:25] And Bing Drake.

[34:25] Yep.

[34:26] Nobody would say anything.

[34:28] They'd be like, oh, cool.

[34:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:30] Another bang for us to bing.

[34:32] And that's no theory.

[34:34] Is that how the show goes?

[34:35] I've only seen it a couple times.

[34:36] Yeah, I think so.

Stuart Wellington

[34:36] That's the whole dialogue.

[34:37] And they're like, bazinga.

Elliott Kalan

[34:39] Wow, you got that right on the first try, I think.

[34:41] Yeah.

[34:41] Well, I've told the story about how I was walking down the street and saw a t-shirt in a window

[34:45] of a New York souvenir shop that had Jim Parsons' face on it, and it just said, bazinga,

[34:49] and big letters underneath.

[34:50] And not being familiar with this catchphrase, for some reason, I was enraged by this sight.

[34:55] And I remember the first thought I had was, am I supposed to fucking know what that means?

[35:00] And it made me so mad that this shirt had a catchphrase I was not familiar with.

Stuart Wellington

[35:04] You're like a sleeper agent who hears the word Croatoa in the Hunger Bullets comic and

[35:08] start murdering everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] Yeah, just like the Charles Bronson movie, Telephone.

[35:12] I've had a vision.

[35:12] That was my activation signal.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] I've had a vision of you aging now.

[35:16] With like, every year just goes by, there's going to be fewer and fewer things that you

[35:21] understand.

[35:22] Already.

[35:22] Yeah.

[35:23] And if you're going to get enraged by every one of them.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] I was sitting on the couch.

[35:27] I can see that's the future for me, definitely, for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[35:29] I was sitting on the couch today trying to build this piece of furniture my wife bought.

[35:34] Workshop.

[35:34] No, I only do that in workshops that are specified.

[35:37] I was building this piece of furniture.

[35:38] What if someone had a home-build-a-bear workshop in their garage?

[35:41] So lavish.

[35:42] Every child dreams of such a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Of course, this is my husband's workshop where he builds a bear.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] So I was building this thing, and they were showing some various politicians talking about

[35:54] stuff.

[35:55] And the whole time, I just kept swearing at the TV.

[35:58] I'm like, Charlene, this is a glimpse into the future of me getting older and just continuing

[36:03] to swear at politicians on television.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] Oh, I warn my wife probably.

[36:08] Sorry, my watch hit the table.

[36:09] That's what the.

[36:10] I warn my wife probably once a week.

[36:14] Hey, I apologize.

[36:16] Hey, I'm an old age.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] You're like, I'm not getting any taller, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] This is as much hair as I'm going to get.

[36:23] I say, hey, I'm sorry, but when I'm an old man, I'm going to be a handful.

[36:28] I'm going to be very angry all the time, constantly complaining, loud in public places.

[36:33] And you know what?

[36:34] I'm just going to fall asleep wherever I want.

[36:37] I already got that last one going on for me.

[36:39] At a restaurant, behind the wheel, like flying a plane.

[36:43] Maybe I'm just piloting an aircraft carrier.

[36:47] I'm just going to fall asleep.

Stuart Wellington

[36:48] Just taking bets, Elliot.

[36:49] What do you think the over-under is of Dan passing away in a public space and people thinking

[36:54] he's asleep?

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] I mean, what?

[37:01] Are we talking park bench at a farmer's market?

[37:03] Yeah, something like that.

[37:03] Probably something like that.

[37:04] Yeah, yeah.

[37:05] But it'll be peaceful.

Stuart Wellington

[37:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[37:07] Or like a booth at a friendlies with a half-eaten sundae.

[37:10] Here's...

[37:10] Yeah, because I eat a lot of sundaes.

[37:15] You don't know what your life is going to be like.

[37:17] When I walked in today, you said, hey, it must be the sundae.

[37:21] And then you put ice cream in front of me.

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] Also, Dan, you got a lot of life to live.

[37:24] How do you know you won't get a sweet tooth for sundaes at some point?

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] I got a lot of living to do.

[37:29] You know what's weird is how angry I get at that one commercial with...

[37:32] I think it's for life insurance or some shit.

[37:35] But there's this lady on there, and she's like, I'm only 60 years old.

[37:39] I got a life to live.

[37:41] Big plans.

[37:42] And I'm like, lady, come on.

[37:43] Stop showing off in front of me.

[37:46] Have you seen this fucking ad?

[37:47] Like, for some reason, her tone is like, get the fuck out of here.

[37:51] Stop bragging about your plans.

[37:53] She's just like the Cylons.

[37:55] She's got a plan.

Dan McCoy

[37:57] No, that's a great Battlestar Galactica reference.

Elliott Kalan

[38:00] Thanks, yeah.

[38:00] The accountant.

[38:02] So, anyway, he gets hired by this job,

[38:04] and this mysterious other guy goes and tells...

[38:09] In the middle of the night, he visits John Lithgow's best friend,

[38:11] the CFO of the company, and he says,

[38:13] Hey, look, here's the deal.

[38:15] You're either going to deliberately overdose on insulin,

[38:17] or I'm going to have to kill you and your wife and destroy your house,

[38:20] maybe the rest of your family.

[38:21] So go ahead and do it.

[38:22] And it's at this point that we're like,

[38:24] Movie, when are you just going to reveal that this guy is Ben Affleck's brother?

[38:29] When are you going to reveal it?

[38:30] Because we know it's his brother.

[38:32] There's no other character this guy could be,

[38:33] and you've given us no reason to give a shit about him

[38:36] unless he turns out to be someone important to Ben Affleck.

Stuart Wellington

[38:38] And there's no reason to put a younger brother

[38:40] in every single scene of young Ben Affleck.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] Also, why'd you hire Casey Affleck

[38:46] if you didn't want us to know ahead of time it's his brother?

[38:49] Wouldn't it have been great?

[38:50] Just kidding.

[38:50] It's not Casey Affleck.

[38:52] But yeah, it's like,

[38:53] you made a big point of how he has a younger brother in the flashbacks.

Stuart Wellington

[38:56] Affleck was probably too busy doing all kinds of shady shit with Joaquin Phoenix, right?

[39:00] Probably.

[39:00] That's all they do.

[39:01] I thought you were going to say shady shit with women.

[39:03] I mean, that was implied by what I just said, Dan.

[39:06] That's why I winked at you a shitload.

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] What kind of shady shit do you think Joaquin Phoenix is up to?

[39:11] Robbing the Bank of England?

[39:13] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[39:14] I thought you were making some sort of reference to the documentary.

[39:18] Performing intellectual property theft?

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] That's when his alleged woman attack happened.

[39:23] Really?

[39:23] When they're making that documentary.

[39:24] Oh.

[39:25] Well.

[39:26] Sounds like someone is not up on his Hollywood crimes.

[39:29] He needs to watch Elliot Kalin's Hollywood crimes on E!

Stuart Wellington

[39:33] Yeah, he dresses kind of like McGruff the Crime Dog.

Elliott Kalan

[39:36] And I say, hey, take a bite out of fame.

[39:39] Here's the thing with McGruff the Crime Dog, everybody.

[39:42] Here's the thing I've been wondering for years.

[39:43] Sure.

[39:43] So McGruff was for kids, right?

[39:45] There's no reason to tell adults with an animated dog about crime.

[39:50] And McGruff would be like, hey, kids, take a bite out of crime.

[39:53] And even as a kid, I was like, how do I actualize that?

Stuart Wellington

[39:56] Am I supposed to be patrolling the streets?

Elliott Kalan

[40:00] Is it up to me?

Dan McCoy

[40:00] Should I apply to the police academy right now to their junior division?

[40:03] Well, you should orphan yourself and then train for years and be a billionaire.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Go to the far Tibet and become a ninja.

[40:12] Come back, build a crime computer.

Stuart Wellington

[40:14] Well, McGruff, I fashioned a shiv out of this bar of soap.

[40:18] Yeah.

[40:18] I hope I don't have to fight, what, Hydro Hound or whoever Darkwing Duck fights that turns into water.

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] What's that electricity guy?

[40:26] The one that's the mouse?

[40:27] Megavolt?

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] He's awesome, though.

[40:29] Basically, the entire Darkwing Duck rogues gallery is my favorite thing in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] It always baffled me how, as a kid, I was supposed to be taking a bite out of crime.

[40:40] Because I'll tell you what I was taking a bite out of.

[40:42] Cheerios.

[40:42] That was about all I could tell you.

Stuart Wellington

[40:43] Wait, regular Cheerios?

[40:44] Yeah, I don't like the honey nut kind.

[40:46] So that makes one's breath smell the worst out of any food that exists.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Have your pee ever smelled like Cheerios?

Stuart Wellington

[40:54] What?

[40:55] Yeah, when I have a Cheerio shake.

Dan McCoy

[40:56] There have been a couple times when I've peed, I'm just like, this smells exactly like Cheerios.

[41:01] Were you eating Cheerios?

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] Is that why you were down on your knees smelling the toilet before?

[41:06] I mean, I don't know.

[41:09] I don't.

[41:09] Not that I know.

[41:10] I mean, I feel like.

[41:11] Listeners, write in.

[41:13] Wait, are you talking about like.

[41:14] Tell us what your pee smells.

Elliott Kalan

[41:16] Address your letters.

[41:18] Cheerio pee smell.

[41:19] Dan McCoy, care of the Daily Show with Trevor Noah.

[41:23] 604 West 52nd Street.

Stuart Wellington

[41:25] So are you saying that like your pee smells the same as Cheerios fresh out of the box or after somebody's been like chomping on them for a little bit?

Dan McCoy

[41:35] No, just like some Cheerios and milk.

Stuart Wellington

[41:39] Man, that shit's so gross smelling.

[41:41] I used to.

[41:42] I sat next to somebody in high school.

[41:45] Yeah.

[41:46] In high school.

[41:47] Okay.

[41:48] They didn't give me that much of like.

[41:50] I was a little bit of a pig pen.

[41:51] So there's a couple seats usually buffer.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] You made room for your dust and dirt cloud.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] Yeah.

[41:57] As I was sketching role playing notes furiously in my notepad.

[42:01] But there was a girl who was saying makes me who kept eating Cheerios, dry Cheerios.

[42:05] And it was the worst smelling thing in the world.

[42:08] And I'm a pig pen.

Dan McCoy

[42:10] I think we found the source of your Cheerios.

[42:13] My secret.

[42:15] Oh, what a break through.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] Crush on the Cheerio girl.

[42:17] Yeah.

[42:18] When she said no, she exhaled and all that Cheerio smell came out.

[42:22] So now Cheerios smell like rejection to you.

Stuart Wellington

[42:24] That's actually not that far off.

[42:28] So.

[42:29] So anyway, Ben Affleck.

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] Yeah.

[42:31] In the movie.

[42:32] So he's doing this job.

[42:34] The John Lithgow.

[42:35] He gets a rejection in the form of assassins.

[42:39] But well, John Lithgow's friend gets killed.

[42:41] And he says, my friend took his life because of something you uncovered.

[42:45] I don't need to know anymore.

[42:46] Just go, just go, just leave.

[42:48] But that's not the end of it because then assassins show up.

[42:51] And these assassins, one of them is a huge bald guy with the craziest beard mustache combo.

Stuart Wellington

[42:58] He looks like that guy from Street Fighter 4 who pours oil on himself and wrestles people.

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] It's like, if you were an assassin, and assassins in real life are dumb.

[43:09] They're usually very dumb.

[43:11] They're not Carlos the Jackal, like in Day of the Jackal.

Stuart Wellington

[43:14] Yeah, you did a PowerPoint about this.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] I did a PowerPoint about this at a live show.

[43:18] Hitmen and assassins are mostly pathetic losers.

[43:23] And maybe at some point I'll go again into my story about the hitman that was involved in my family once, who was a loser.

[43:29] But anyway, but this guy, if you want to be a hitman, you think you'd want to be able to escape into a crowd?

[43:35] This is maybe the most-

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] Yeah, you want to be like a Tobey Maguire type.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] Yeah, exactly.

[43:38] Yeah.

[43:39] This is the most easily identifiable person in the world.

[43:43] I think the only way he could be a less professional hitman is if he literally had bullseyes, bullseye tattooed on his forehead, like in the Daredevil movie.

[43:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:53] But then if he had that tattoo, Danny, he'd have to kill somebody with, what, like a corn nut?

Elliott Kalan

[43:57] Yeah, he has like a peanut or a corn nut that he tosses in their throat and chokes them, which any of us could do.

Stuart Wellington

[44:01] And if he used a peanut, why aren't you getting the branding money from using a corn nut?

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] Now, in the-

[44:07] They got a ton of cash.

[44:08] In the Daredevil movie, because I don't remember the movie as well as I remember reading the screenplay before the movie came out, is there was a scene-

[44:14] Did you read it on Ain't It Cool News?

[44:16] I was working at the New Jersey Television and Film Commission.

[44:19] We had a lot of screenplays in the library.

[44:21] Was there a scene-

[44:23] There was a scene in the screenplay where he's at a horse race, and he breaks the stem off of champagne glass and then hurls it through the air, and it sticks in the neck of one of the jockeys and kills him so that bullseye's horse wins the race?

[44:35] Was that in the movie?

[44:36] Because it's one of those things where it's like, you'd think someone would have investigated where that champagne glass stem would have come from to kill that jockey.

[44:42] Like, it's not like he could just go up to his winnings window.

Stuart Wellington

[44:44] It would have been, as all his winnings would be invalid.

[44:46] Did you remember the Daredevil movie, Dan?

[44:49] No, I don't remember.

[44:50] I never actually saw it.

[44:52] Okay, well, Ben Affleck, who's listening to this because he googled the account, is going to be very disappointed.

Dan McCoy

[44:57] Yeah, Ben Affleck, write in, tell us what actually happened.

[45:00] He's loved us up until this point.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] Oh, he thought it was a hilarious show.

[45:03] Yeah.

[45:03] He's like, they're really getting all those goofs.

[45:05] Luckily, they'll never touch me, the Flexster.

Stuart Wellington

[45:07] Keep calling me the Beantown Batboy.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] That's me, the Beantown Batboy.

[45:13] Anyway, oh yes, these assassins.

Dan McCoy

[45:16] He thought it was hilarious when we were talking about his brother Casey.

[45:20] That was his favorite part.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] Yeah.

[45:22] Hey, Casey at the Bat.

[45:24] What?

[45:25] And then Batman is Affleck.

[45:27] Yeah.

[45:27] So it's about Casey Affleck at a Batman movie, and he's like, hey, that's my brother.

Stuart Wellington

[45:33] Wow, guys, we're doing a real tour of our best of reel here.

[45:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] So anyway, there are these assassins hit.

[45:40] Meanwhile, there's a subplot the movie keeps forgetting, which is Medina trying to track

[45:44] down who this accountant character is.

[45:46] Yep.

[45:46] She manages to track him and finds out that she-

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] She finds, she has been shown a bunch of pictures of the back of his head, so she takes

[45:54] a screen capture, and she sends it to her tech buddy and is like-

[45:58] At Homeland Security, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] She's like, I need face capture or whatever now.

[46:04] And they never say to her, oh, there's no face in this picture.

[46:07] They say, yeah, we should be able to reconstruct his face from the back of his head.

[46:12] Maybe they can do that.

[46:13] It's like in Enemy of the State, when Will Smith is on camera holding a gift bag, and they

[46:17] go, hold on, rotate the bag.

[46:20] And the video image of the bag turns around so they can see what's in the other side.

[46:24] And it's like, wait a minute.

[46:25] Cameras can't do that.

[46:26] Welcome to 1984, dude.

[46:28] Oh, man.

[46:28] I didn't even realize.

[46:30] So she realized, her friends find some video that was captured of this same person, Ben Affleck,

[46:36] killing a bunch of people in a hit on some mobsters.

[46:39] Because he's a super assassin.

[46:40] Oh, but I forgot one thing.

[46:42] We forgot to mention that he keeps changing his name as he moves around, he uses different

[46:45] aliases.

[46:46] Yep.

[46:46] Except for Christian Wolfe, I guess, they're all the names of famous mathematicians.

[46:51] So he's known as Lou Carroll.

[46:53] And what was the other one?

[46:55] It was Charles Gauss.

[46:56] Carl Gauss.

[46:57] Carl Gauss.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] And it takes her forever to piece things together.

[47:02] She looks up Lou Carroll, and she's like, hmm, maybe not that.

[47:05] Let's look up Lewis Carroll.

[47:06] And it's like, do you mean Lewis Carroll?

[47:09] She's like, okay.

[47:10] And then she's like, wait, he wrote Alice in Wonderland.

[47:13] Let's click on that.

[47:15] What's Alice in Wonderland?

Elliott Kalan

[47:16] This seems like a charming and endearing work of logic and illogic.

[47:19] I'll read it right now.

[47:20] As much as I love.

[47:21] So Alice had been lying on the grass board.

[47:24] Her sister was reading a book with no pictures or conversations.

[47:27] And she figured, what was the point of a book without pictures or conversations?

[47:30] So it's no wonder that when a white rabbit ran by, she didn't seem to say anything strange

[47:35] about it.

[47:36] Even when the white rabbit took out his pocket watch and was wearing a vest, didn't seem

[47:40] to have anything weird about it then.

[47:41] So I'll read this in my off hours, I suppose.

[47:44] Even though this is technically work research.

Dan McCoy

[47:46] It was very, very close to the beginning of Alice in Wonderland.

[47:49] I've read it many times.

Stuart Wellington

[47:50] It was pretty far off.

[47:52] You guys know me.

[47:53] If there's one thing I love about a movie, it's when the movie is like, hey, you're an

[47:57] idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[47:58] Let me hold your hand through all this shit.

[48:00] This movie thinks the audience is so stupid.

[48:04] Starting with number one stupid, which is the concept of, hey, you know how some people

[48:08] who are autistic or on that spectrum are very good with numbers?

[48:12] What if it made them super assassin, supercomputer fighter men?

[48:17] Also, hey, here's another stupid thing.

[48:19] We're going to introduce a younger brother and then have this other guy in the movie, but

[48:22] we don't expect you to put two and two together.

[48:23] This guy's the brother.

[48:24] Hey, number three.

[48:26] Have you ever heard of Lewis Carroll?

[48:27] Don't worry if you haven't.

[48:28] We're going to give you all that.

[48:29] We're going to give you the spark notes on this guy just in case you need it.

[48:32] It's like they and she looks this up again later in the movie, too, when she realizes

[48:38] that this guy might there's a voice recording of him because he killed a mobster who was

[48:43] wearing a wire and the voice recording reveals, I guess, some spectrum behavior.

[48:48] So she looks up again to see if Lewis Carroll had Asperger's.

[48:52] The website she finds diagnoses him with this, which is highly unethical to diagnose someone

[48:57] who was not officially observed and has been dead for quite some time.

[49:01] Well, in all the paintings of him, he's not making eye contact.

[49:03] Yeah, in every photograph, his eyes are turned away, so he must have it.

[49:08] Anyway, long story short, these assassins are trying to track down Ben Affleck and Anna

[49:13] Kendrick, and he saves her life from some fake delivery men who turn out to be real,

[49:18] un-livery men, as in they want her to be un-alive and not living anymore.

[49:23] They're killers, but he kills them first.

[49:25] Ben Affleck is very, he's particular to headshots in this movie.

[49:29] Yeah, yeah, it's a John Wick type thing.

[49:31] He's always shooting people in the head, and I have to admit, the gun effects and everything

[49:34] are fine.

[49:36] They're well done.

[49:37] Whoever's squibbing people, good work.

[49:39] Top squibs, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Like, the action scenes are, I guess, I want to say a little understated.

[49:45] Like, they are not super flashy.

[49:48] That's true.

[49:49] I give that both a thumbs up and a thumbs down.

[49:52] A thumbs down, because they're not very exciting to watch.

[49:55] Thumbs up, because violence isn't a good thing.

Elliott Kalan

[49:59] Like, not every action scene in a movie has to be Raid the Redemption, or...

[50:04] Oh, but if it were, mama mia.

[50:08] Or, like, Triple X.

[50:09] Like, I'm glad that Ben Affleck at no point, even though it's hard for me to believe that

[50:13] he's a super fighter.

[50:14] At least he's not, like, riding a motorcycle through a window or something like that, or

[50:17] jumping out of a helicopter at any point.

[50:20] He picks up Anna Kendrick, takes her to a fancy hotel that has nice towels, he mentions, and

[50:25] they start getting a little bit closer, and they tell stories about their past, but not...

Stuart Wellington

[50:30] She sees his Airstream trailer full of priceless art, and...

[50:35] An original Jackson Pollock.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] Mm-hmm.

[50:37] Not Kevin Pollock.

[50:38] An original Jackson Pollock.

[50:40] No.

[50:41] It's an original drawing of Dr. Monarch by Jackson Pollock.

[50:45] I mean, that'd be worth a lot.

[50:47] I'd buy it.

[50:48] Yeah.

[50:48] Yeah, for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] And he's...

[50:50] I'd buy that for a dollar.

[50:51] He's also...

[50:52] If somebody's selling it for a dollar, then yeah, you should buy it.

[50:55] Yeah, it's a total steal.

[50:58] And she also sees his collection of guns.

[51:01] She is...

[51:02] You know, I think it says a lot about her character that after she sees him kill a guy and shoot

[51:07] him in the head afterwards, instead of being terrified by him, you know, she's drawn to him.

Dan McCoy

[51:13] Yeah, it's like Lorraine Brackow in Goodfellas.

[51:15] I gotta admit, I was a little turned on.

Stuart Wellington

[51:19] And Lorraine Brackow in Sopranos, right?

[51:22] Yeah.

[51:24] What's your deal, Lorraine Brackow?

[51:26] Brackow?

[51:27] Brackow?

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] It's me, Lorraine Brackow.

[51:30] You know, when I was filming the Serranos, I found that we were glamorizing monsters, even

[51:42] though that's what it seemed like we were at times.

[51:44] We were showing the darker side of things Americans take for granted.

[51:51] Something people don't take for granted enough.

[51:53] Dune by Frank Herbert.

[51:55] Perhaps the greatest science fiction epic ever written.

[52:00] The story of young Paul Atreides as he attempts to become the Khoasatz Hattrak on the spice planet

[52:08] of Arrakis is truly one for the ages.

[52:12] This is Tom Brokaw signing off.

Stuart Wellington

[52:14] Bum bum bum bum bum bum.

[52:16] I'm loving it.

Dan McCoy

[52:17] It was weird that for like the decades that he did that show, he signed every show off

[52:23] with a description of the book Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[52:26] Yeah.

[52:26] He loved it.

[52:27] It was strange.

[52:28] Yeah.

[52:28] Right.

[52:28] It was like, that's the news for today.

[52:30] And remember, here is the mind killer.

[52:33] I'm Tom Brokaw.

Stuart Wellington

[52:34] And then you just leave.

[52:35] Every episode.

[52:36] Remember, my name has become a killing word.

Elliott Kalan

[52:41] I occasionally, while I'm reporting stories, have images of a jihad sweeping the universe,

[52:47] my own name being screamed as a battle cry, my banners flying through unspeakable carnage.

[52:55] Here is a little death within us all.

[52:57] I'm Tom Brokaw.

[53:02] So anyway, they're on the run together.

[53:05] And this is kind of when Anna Kendrick leaves the movie for the most part.

[53:08] Yeah.

[53:08] And we get back into.

Stuart Wellington

[53:10] We get a scene where Ben Affleck leaves her asleep on a couch in a hotel room.

[53:16] And he's slowly closing the door and watching her.

[53:20] And I'm so assuming he's going to pinch his own eyeball with the fist.

[53:24] Well, because he's doing it slow.

Dan McCoy

[53:25] He's doing it so slowly.

[53:27] He's doing it like four times slower than the end of The Godfather.

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] And she really wanted to see what was going on there.

[53:33] Yeah.

[53:34] Yeah.

[53:34] Oh, boy.

[53:35] That's what the director said.

[53:37] He's like, Ben, I want you to close it slowly.

[53:39] Give me four times GF.

[53:42] And that's directing code for how fast or slow you close the door.

[53:45] Yeah, industry standard.

[53:46] Yeah, yeah.

[53:47] So meanwhile, he goes to talk to John Lithgow's wife.

[53:51] She's been murdered.

[53:52] She's got the round hole in the middle of her forehead that denotes a killing headshot.

[53:56] Yeah.

[53:56] Gene Smart ain't smart no more because her brain's been destroyed by a bullet.

Dan McCoy

[54:03] I was just thinking about if she actually got shot in real life.

[54:06] How what a horrible event you were.

[54:08] Oh, terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] Nobody is saying.

[54:11] That would be terrible.

[54:11] Some mob boss must have asked said to get smart because smart got got.

[54:16] Talented actress Jean Smart was found dead today of a single shot to the head.

[54:20] Ben Affleck was on the scene.

Stuart Wellington

[54:22] Yep.

[54:22] They say star of many programs on FX died of something that was no special FX actual bullets.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] Characters may be welcome at USA, but bullets were welcome in the brain of one unlucky actress.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] Former designing women did not see the design for her own life as she was brutally gunned down.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] Yeah, sure.

[54:48] Oh, terrible.

[54:49] Anyway, so meanwhile, the movie's like, hey, are you tired of Ben Affleck?

[54:54] I think you are.

[54:55] So let's check in on J.K. Simmons, the head of the treasury, and Medina and see what's going on with them.

[55:00] And they go down to the house where they have.

[55:04] They track down Christian Wolfe.

[55:05] They track down to Christian Wolfe's house.

[55:07] They've realized that he they found his network of money laundering.

Stuart Wellington

[55:11] Laundering money through a shitload of businesses that are all in a little strip mall.

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] And then he gives the money to charity of some kind.

[55:18] Now, J.K. Simmons proceeds to tell a tale about how.

[55:24] OK, strap in because this is like a series of like 20 flashbacks in a row.

[55:29] It's like the movie was like, well, if you can't think of a graceful way to give out exposition, then make the audience really slog through it.

[55:37] So let's start swimming through molasses on this one.

Stuart Wellington

[55:39] Like if you're going to get like, I mean, I'll hand it to the movie.

[55:42] If you're going to have somebody deliver it, like J.K. Simmons, not a bad idea.

Elliott Kalan

[55:46] That's true. So he talks about how Jeffrey Tambor was in jail because he had was for his protection because he had testified against a mob boss.

[55:57] And while in jail, Jeffrey Tambor got to know Ben Affleck.

[56:00] When Jeffrey but J.K. Simmons, when he was a young treasury agent, didn't listen to Jeffrey Tambor scoop.

[56:05] And Tambor was tortured and killed.

[56:07] So when Ben Affleck got out of jail for a crime, we don't know what it was yet.

[56:11] He tracked down the mobster who did it and killed him.

[56:15] J.K. Simmons was on the scene at the time, failed to stop it and was crying and very upset.

[56:21] And Ben Affleck almost killed him before asking him, are you a good dad?

[56:25] And he goes, yes, I'm a weak man and a bad agent, but I am a good dad.

[56:28] I didn't screw that up.

[56:29] Ben Affleck leaves him alive.

[56:31] Over the years, Ben Affleck starts, becomes this mysterious voice of information for this Agent Simmons,

[56:39] giving him tips on crimes that are being committed that he's learned through his own nefarious activities.

[56:44] These tips make him a star agent and he becomes the director of the Bureau.

[56:49] Bum, bum, bum.

[56:50] It turns out that much like in the Unknown Soldier miniseries from Vertigo that Garth Ennis wrote in the 90s,

[56:56] this whole thing has been a test for Medina to see if she can become the new agent who's in touch with Ben Affleck's character

[57:03] and get the scoops and the leads to stop these criminals.

[57:06] And she's like, he's a murderer.

[57:08] And he's like, yeah, well, but he's helped us with all this other stuff.

[57:11] It's exhausting.

[57:12] Meanwhile, what?

[57:13] But then he also explains the-

[57:15] Why was Ben Affleck in jail?

[57:16] Okay, thank you.

[57:17] Yes, because here's a second.

[57:18] When you're done with that set of flashbacks, really?

[57:22] The next set of flashbacks?

[57:23] They seem to be about an hour early, but okay, bring them in, I suppose.

Stuart Wellington

[57:26] So Medina's like, but wait, soldier number one or whatever the fuck they call him?

[57:31] Well, why was Ben Affleck in jail?

Elliott Kalan

[57:33] Because Ben Affleck and his dad, the colonel, the military man who taught him how to be a super tough fighter in Jakarta,

[57:39] it seems the two of them, and Ben Affleck was in a uniform and was just referred to as soldier number one.

[57:44] They went to Ben Affleck's mom's funeral.

[57:46] The mom had since remarried and had two younger kids.

[57:48] How dare she?

[57:50] Excuse me, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] And a-

[57:52] How dare she leave the man who makes his two children fight a grown man to get tougher?

Elliott Kalan

[57:59] A tussle started out of an argument, and Ben Affleck's dad was killed by cops approaching the scene or something,

[58:07] and Ben Affleck ended up in jail, in a very weird jail where they don't have bars on the cells,

[58:11] they're just kind of cell cubicles.

[58:13] I guess in Orange is the New Black they're like that, too.

Stuart Wellington

[58:15] I'll also say that nothing up until this point leads me to believe that Ben Affleck would lose a fight against a bunch of guys at a funeral.

Elliott Kalan

[58:23] I mean, there were a lot of them.

[58:25] Yeah.

[58:26] Good point, good point.

[58:28] Since up to this point he's been able to kill 10 to 12 people at a time.

Dan McCoy

[58:32] Now, here's something I didn't understand.

[58:33] With an area scratch, yes.

[58:35] Ben Affleck is a soldier, and he was in jail.

[58:39] Like, shouldn't there be tons of records about this guy?

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] I think the implication was that he was not really a soldier.

[58:45] That he showed up in a false uniform as part of his dad's entourage, I guess?

[58:50] I don't really know.

[58:52] I don't remember that stuff.

[58:53] But even if there were tons of records, they would have no reason for matching these pictures at the back of an evil accountant's head with all-known photographs of soldiers.

[59:04] Soldier number one, yeah.

[59:06] And his dad's this traveling big-box character who's creating super soldiers.

Dan McCoy

[59:10] But apparently J.K. Simmons knows all this shit about who he's been looking for this whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] Yeah, because it was all a test for Medina.

[59:18] If she could figure it out, he'd get close enough.

[59:20] I mean, he's not actually looking for him.

Stuart Wellington

[59:22] He's just trying to give her a sense of scale of what they're involved with.

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] Yes, and see if she is worthy enough.

[59:30] If she can connect the dotes.

[59:34] Because mares-y dotes, doze-y dotes.

[59:36] What a little lambs-y, though.

[59:41] Copies of Poison Ivy, The New Seduction.

[59:45] Why don't we shorten that down, though?

[59:47] The movie that introduced Jamie Presley's butt to the world.

[59:50] Oh, yeah, just Ivy.

[59:51] I guess we could just say Ivy.

[59:52] Because when you say Ivy, people know you mean Poison Ivy, The New Seduction.

[59:56] It's like Poison Ivy 3, The New Seduction.

Stuart Wellington

[59:58] Okay, which one's Poison Ivy 2?

[1:00:00] My name is Poison Ivy 2 is the one with Alyssa Milano.

[1:00:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:01] Oh, okay.

[1:00:02] It's called, what, The Awakening or something like that?

[1:00:04] I don't know.

[1:00:05] That sounds right.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:06] And the first one, of course, Drew Barrymore.

[1:00:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:09] Who drew Barrymore?

[1:00:10] Three Ivies.

[1:00:11] But artists.

[1:00:13] Three Ivies and a fountain.

[1:00:14] When are they going to do that Poison Ivy onstage reunion that we've all been clamoring for?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] What do you mean?

[1:00:21] Like the Paley Center or something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:00:24] Yeah, the Museum of TV and Radio, and they're like, these are films.

[1:00:28] I don't know why we're doing it here.

[1:00:32] Anyway, it all leads up to a big...

[1:00:34] Boys, Ivy, a life in three acts.

[1:00:37] Yeah.

[1:00:37] It all leads up to a big shoot-em-up.

[1:00:40] Ben Affleck finally puts two and two together because nobody else works at this robot company

[1:00:44] who's alive than John Lithgow.

[1:00:46] That John Lithgow must be behind it.

[1:00:48] Much like Crazy Eddie, in an anecdote he tells, he has been stealing from his own company

[1:00:52] in order to bring it back to make the profits look big to inflate the stock price when it goes public.

[1:00:58] Everything is about when companies go public.

[1:01:00] That's what I've learned from movie thrillers.

[1:01:02] And so, he goes to John Lithgow's house where he's being defended by an army of mercs,

[1:01:07] including this mysterious Punisher guy.

[1:01:09] Yep.

[1:01:10] Who we all know by now, even though the movie hasn't yet told us, is Ben Affleck's brother.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:14] Who's serving up sass in spades?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] Oh, David Spades.

[1:01:18] Wow.

[1:01:19] Hot, steaming David Spades of sass.

[1:01:21] Because no one's sassier than David Spade.

[1:01:24] And so, there's a big shoot-out action fight.

[1:01:26] Making copies.

[1:01:27] No, no.

[1:01:29] That's a different guy.

[1:01:30] Try again.

[1:01:31] What was his catchphrase?

[1:01:33] Opera man.

[1:01:34] No, no.

[1:01:35] Different performer.

[1:01:36] What was David Spade's catchphrase?

[1:01:38] Joe Dirt.

[1:01:39] Okay, there was a movie he was in.

[1:01:41] Not really a catchphrase, but I'll allow it.

[1:01:43] That's not his catchphrase?

[1:01:45] No, it's getting late.

[1:01:45] He's not like riding a dirt bike?

[1:01:46] No, no.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:47] And he's like, I'm riding a me bike.

[1:01:49] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:51] So, he gets into a fight.

[1:01:53] He kills a lot of guys.

[1:01:54] He gets into a fight with his brother, and we learn it's his brother,

[1:01:57] because their dad trained them so well.

[1:01:59] They had to take these skills of fighting.

[1:02:02] John Lithgow walks out.

[1:02:03] After watching all this on monitors in his safe room office, his home office,

[1:02:08] and is like, you moron.

[1:02:09] I was going to be able to do so much with those billion dollars.

[1:02:12] And then Affleck responds somewhat wittily by shooting him in the head.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] Yeah.

[1:02:17] It is the most hilariously dismissive dispatching of a major villain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:21] Not since Indiana Jones shot that swordsman in the market.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:24] It's like, imagine that swordsman shows up and instead delivers a speech

[1:02:27] about how he is providing more to the human race than the people he is killing.

[1:02:34] And then he gets shot in the head.

[1:02:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] Ben Affleck leaves.

[1:02:37] Yeah.

[1:02:38] And packs up his life.

[1:02:40] He sends...

[1:02:41] Packs up his troubles in his old kit bag.

[1:02:43] Yeah.

[1:02:44] Anna Kendrick, he sends her the original Jackson Pollock he had,

[1:02:47] cleverly disguised as a dog's playing poker painting,

[1:02:50] which is from a reference to something earlier in the movie.

[1:02:54] And what else?

[1:02:56] At this point, we're like, fuck, at least the movie's done.

[1:02:59] But then it keeps going.

[1:03:00] We learn that...

[1:03:01] Remember that place that he was taken to as a kid that his dad refused to let him into,

[1:03:06] where maybe he would have had a better upbringing for his difficulties?

[1:03:10] That is now an enormous Mohawk mountain house style mansion that is full of kids.

[1:03:16] And the guy who runs it, you can tell if time has passed because he has a beard now.

[1:03:20] And these parents are talking about their kids, da-da-da.

[1:03:23] And their kid wanders into a bedroom where there's a grown woman who's having issues.

[1:03:28] It turns out she's the daughter of the guy who runs the place.

[1:03:32] He's like, that's why I started this program.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:33] And she's the same...

[1:03:35] She was a young girl at the beginning of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:37] Who gave Ben Affleck the missing puzzle piece.

[1:03:39] And we find out that using a text-to-speech program on her computer,

[1:03:43] she is the character who works for Ben Affleck and arranges his stuff and takes care of him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:47] She's the world's greatest hacker, too.

[1:03:49] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:50] Calm down.

[1:03:51] I know you assume the world's greatest hacker is played by Neil Breen.

[1:03:54] In this case, this movie postulates that that is not the case.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] Now, I thought the world's greatest hacker was Hugh Jackman drinking wine

[1:04:00] and spinning around in a chair and going,

[1:04:02] uh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[1:04:04] And then tapping a bunch of keys and getting into, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:07] You're talking about AKA Swordfish?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:10] Yeah.

[1:04:10] You know it.

[1:04:10] Look this clip up on YouTube if you're not familiar with it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:13] If you haven't seen this scene, look up Hugh Jackman's Swordfish hacking scene.

[1:04:17] It is hilarious.

[1:04:20] It is the second funniest hacking-related scene in recorded media history.

[1:04:25] Is it after the CSI one?

[1:04:26] I think it's NCIS.

[1:04:28] NCIS.

[1:04:29] Or maybe it is CSI.

[1:04:30] No, it is NCIS.

[1:04:31] Is it after the NCIS scene where this woman can't keep up with the hacker who's getting

[1:04:36] into their system?

[1:04:37] So someone else says, here, let me help.

[1:04:38] And they're both typing on the same keyboard as if that would make the computer move faster.

[1:04:43] And then the other guy, the head of the NCIS walks in and he solves the problem by unplugging

[1:04:48] their computer.

[1:04:49] It's amazing.

[1:04:49] It is, which I guess keeps their cloud accounts from getting activated.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:55] Yeah, it chops the hacker's wiener in.

[1:04:57] What they don't say in that clip is that all the internet is run from that one office.

[1:05:03] Oh, I see.

[1:05:03] And someone plugging it.

[1:05:04] That's the home office.

[1:05:05] Somewhere the lawnmower man is making that crazy angry face he makes at the end of the

[1:05:09] movie.

[1:05:09] So now's the time where we do our final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[1:05:14] And Ben Affleck drives off into the distance.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:17] Okay.

[1:05:18] And now's the time.

[1:05:19] Yep.

[1:05:20] Final judgments.

[1:05:20] We do our final judgments on this movie.

[1:05:22] Whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[1:05:24] Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:26] I am going to say this is a bad, bad movie.

[1:05:30] I guess if you really like what, like, this is a movie that is, it feels like such a bundle

[1:05:37] of cliches.

[1:05:38] This is a movie that is directed by the guy who directed a movie that I really like a lot,

[1:05:43] uh, Warrior.

[1:05:44] Which is a good movie.

[1:05:45] Which is also a movie about brothers who have a difficult father and brothers that come,

[1:05:50] you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:50] And become great fighters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:51] But the, this movie is such a weird story and it has such a weird approach toward using

[1:05:58] violence and like the idea of like a bullshit vigilante justice idea.

[1:06:03] Like it's so much trash.

[1:06:05] Tag me in.

[1:06:06] Tag me in.

[1:06:06] Yeah, Elliot, get in there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:07] Okay, because I just want to say before I forget.

[1:06:09] So I'm going to give this bad, bad too.

[1:06:10] This movie takes itself so seriously.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:13] It's that fucking montage where he's doing math and you're like, what do you think you're

[1:06:17] doing, movie?

[1:06:18] This is an action movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:19] And at the end, it's set to this, this song as everything, the ends are talking about

[1:06:23] that's like, so, so serious.

[1:06:26] Yeah.

[1:06:26] And it's like, did you think you were making like, Kramer versus Kramer?

[1:06:31] Because even that had jokes in it.

[1:06:32] Like, even that said, like, are you making Schindler's List?

[1:06:35] Is that why you're taking this autistic hitman movie so seriously?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:39] And like, Ben Affleck's performance, like, you pointed this out, Elliot.

[1:06:42] How did you describe, what did you describe Ben Affleck as?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:46] This is a little derogatory if it is, I think.

[1:06:48] I described it as a very, a man who's clearly very smart, who seems incapable of portraying

[1:06:53] intelligence on screen.

[1:06:55] Like, he always seems like kind of a lug on screen.

[1:06:58] Even though in person, I know he's an intelligent person.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:00] Yeah.

[1:07:01] He's clear, he's gotta be a smart guy.

[1:07:03] Yeah.

[1:07:03] But for whatever reason, like, for instance, in this movie, there are, his like, his ability

[1:07:11] to interact with humans fluctuates so much, where there's some scenes where he's like,

[1:07:15] why are you doing that?

[1:07:17] I'm Ben Affleck.

[1:07:18] What is love?

[1:07:18] I'm a robot.

[1:07:19] Yeah.

[1:07:19] And then there's other scenes where he's just like, I'm just old me, Ben from the block.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:24] Yeah.

[1:07:25] He has this, he has the feeling of a movie where, well, you know what?

[1:07:30] This is the worst way to put it, I guess.

[1:07:31] But in this movie, he has, he's doing his, he's doing the worst way.

[1:07:35] Is, have you ever seen a porn video?

[1:07:38] Sure.

[1:07:38] A jacked up, yeah.

[1:07:40] A jacked up porn star puts on glasses and a suit and he's supposed to be like an accountant.

[1:07:45] Yep.

[1:07:46] Or like somebody who, or like a mild-mannered teacher or something.

[1:07:50] That's kind of what it feels like at times.

[1:07:51] It has that feeling of like a football player who puts glasses on to look a little smarter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:55] You, there was a point where we were introduced to like an older, heavyset, balding man.

[1:08:02] Yeah.

[1:08:02] Nerd accountant.

[1:08:03] He looked like a real, like an accountant.

[1:08:06] And there was a point where we're like, wouldn't it be way better if that guy was the accountant?

[1:08:10] Yeah.

[1:08:10] It's either that or make Jason Statham the accountant because that'd be hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:15] If this was a crazy movie, that would be a different story.

[1:08:18] But it's a movie that takes itself very seriously.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:21] Like if it's fucking Scott Adkins and he puts on those glasses and then just beats the shit out of the whole world.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:28] Yeah.

[1:08:28] I, this is a bad, bad movie.

[1:08:30] I, I want to say, uh, for this podcast that I apologize if we have said anything ignorant or insensitive about autism accidentally.

[1:08:39] But this movie, I believe, is ignorant and insensitive about autism.

[1:08:43] Oh, I think it certainly is.

[1:08:45] And the, the way it treats it as this, as we say, this superpower, uh, it's, it's, it's a MacGuffin.

[1:08:52] It's like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:53] I mean, to say that is not to say, is not to imply on our part that people who are on that spectrum don't have talents and skills that, like they're human beings.

[1:09:01] No, of course.

[1:09:02] So of course they have talents and skills.

[1:09:03] No, but they're using it as a plot device.

[1:09:06] Much as the same way that A Beautiful Mind I found offensive because it implied that genius and schizophrenia are tied together.

[1:09:15] And the, or, and if the same way, like anytime you see anything where someone is depressed or unhappy and they cheer up and they lose their creativity or something like that.

[1:09:24] The idea that you can't, you can't be a certain level of intelligence unless you're, unless you are separated from the world or unable to operate as a normal human being is, seems insulting both to people who have trouble operating in the world.

[1:09:39] And also people who are intelligent and do not have that trouble.

[1:09:42] It's, it's, it's positing kind of like, uh, here's, here's the intended audience for this movie.

[1:09:47] It's people who can't put two and two together that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland and are like, well, if this guy can do all that stuff in numbers, I can't do that.

[1:09:56] But at least I can go through my life talking to people and I have a relationship because if you're that smart, you must be, you must be kind of fucked up when you're dealing with other people.

[1:10:04] And that makes me feel fine.

[1:10:05] Oh, interesting.

[1:10:06] I might be extrapolating too much.

[1:10:07] I might be getting too angry about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:08] You know, the, I think the biggest thing is just the idea of like having this character be this like arbitrator of all justice and like just murdering people.

[1:10:19] Like this, this guy's a fucking stain on the world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:24] Because of what he does, not because of who he is.

[1:10:27] Of course not.

[1:10:27] That's crazy.

[1:10:28] Because of his actions.

[1:10:35] I'm Hal Lublin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:36] I'm Danielle Radford.

[1:10:37] I am Michael Eagle.

[1:10:38] And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling.

Jesse Thorn

[1:10:43] We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the Brand Split, and Sasha Banks' wigs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:50] And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion.

[1:10:52] Some wrestlers wear too many clothes.

[1:10:54] Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:56] And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers.

[1:10:59] New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:11:04] Oh yeah, dig it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:06] I should buy.

[1:11:07] Tights and Fights.

Jesse Thorn

[1:11:16] What the f*** is an interview?

[1:11:18] I mean, I do not know.

[1:11:21] That was Oscar-winning filmmaker Errol Morris.

[1:11:24] I'm Jesse Thorne, host of NPR's Bullseye.

[1:11:27] Allow me to introduce The Turnaround.

[1:11:28] The Turnaround.

[1:11:29] A new podcast series produced by MaximumFun.org and presented with the Columbia Journalism Review.

[1:11:35] Join me as I sit down with some of our greatest living interviewers to ask them about interviewing and why and how they do what they do.

[1:11:44] We'll go deep with some of the biggest names in media.

[1:11:46] People like Larry King, Katie Couric, Audie Cornish.

[1:11:50] We'll be among friends on The Turnaround.

[1:11:52] Two episodes a week, all summer.

[1:11:54] Subscribe now and tell somebody.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:57] We have some sponsors that we should get to.

[1:12:01] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:01] Are they going to be mad that we called Ben Affleck a stand on the world?

[1:12:04] It's Living Robotics.

[1:12:05] Yeah, it's Wahlburgers.

[1:12:06] Oh, no.

[1:12:07] Living Robotics.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:08] Our first sponsor is The Black Tux.

[1:12:10] Oh, great.

[1:12:11] When your big day or special event rolls around this spring, look just as great as you feel in suits from TheBlackTux.com.

[1:12:17] With modern rental suits and tuxedos delivered to your door, The Black Tux is your new way to rent.

[1:12:24] The Black Tux lets you create your look or choose from tons of stylist-selected outfits.

[1:12:29] Stand out at your event for the right reasons with the Black Tux.

[1:12:33] For the right reasons.

[1:12:34] Yeah.

[1:12:36] Not because, for instance, you're paying in the punch bowl.

[1:12:39] Yep.

[1:12:40] That would be the wrong reason.

[1:12:41] That would be one of the wrong reasons.

[1:12:42] To stand out at your event.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:43] Now, guys, you know that I am a diehard wearer of Tuxpedos to formal occasions.

[1:12:49] Formal.

[1:12:50] Yep, yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:50] Your graduation, the Nobel ceremony.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:53] But sometimes you have to go to a formal occasion in a place where the temperature doesn't agree with just a simple Tuxpedos.

[1:12:59] So you can always put one of these beautiful Black Tux tuxedos on over the Tuxpedos.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:05] Yeah, did you know that they made Tuxpedos for your whole body now?

[1:13:08] No shit.

[1:13:09] Yeah.

[1:13:09] Yeah, it's weird.

[1:13:10] And you get them at the Black Tux.

[1:13:12] To get free shipping plus $20 off your purchase, visit TheBlackTux.com slash flop.

[1:13:20] You did a pretty good job.

[1:13:21] Yeah, it's just the one slip up.

[1:13:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:24] Not bad.

[1:13:24] Yeah, no, that was not bad.

[1:13:25] Yeah, yeah.

[1:13:27] A minus.

[1:13:28] Okay.

[1:13:28] I mean, CinemaScore would have given an A+++++++++.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:31] Richard Roper raves.

[1:13:34] Dan only had one screw up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:35] Best ad read ever.

[1:13:37] Loving it.

[1:13:38] Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:39] So our second sponsor for the evening is Blue Apron.

[1:13:49] Blue Apron for less than $10 per person.

[1:13:54] Build it, Blutiful.

[1:13:55] No.

[1:13:57] Build it, Bluto.

[1:13:59] Yep.

[1:13:59] I mean, Bluto doesn't build, he just tears down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:02] Yeah.

[1:14:03] He's a cancer.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:04] For less than $10.

[1:14:05] I thought he was a Capricorn.

[1:14:07] Oh, no kidding.

[1:14:08] So Dan, what's Blue Apron?

[1:14:09] For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned

[1:14:15] ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[1:14:18] They have fresh, high-quality ingredients that make a real difference when you're cooking because

[1:14:24] it's important to know where your food's coming from, man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:28] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:28] We've talked about Yummy Mummy before, and you don't have to worry about that shit.

[1:14:32] No.

[1:14:32] If you have delicious Blue Apron coming your way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:34] Your tummy's going to feel great.

[1:14:35] You don't have to measure the ingredients, which, as I've said, is the thing about cooking

[1:14:40] I hate the second most.

[1:14:41] The first is being patient when things are cooking.

[1:14:43] I don't like that.

[1:14:44] But measuring stuff.

[1:14:45] You just crouched the one in my tummy right now.

[1:14:47] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:48] You crouched down, or in this case, you climb up onto a stool and look into the oven while

[1:14:53] it cooks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:55] So it's like, the fact that everything's measured out already, great, you can just toss that stuff

[1:14:58] in.

[1:14:58] You don't have to spend your time wondering what a pinch of something is.

[1:15:01] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:02] As soon as you got Blue Apron, you told me you took all your spoons and measuring devices

[1:15:07] and your spoons.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:09] Yeah, I melted them into a big lump of plastic and metal, and then you know what I did?

[1:15:12] You made your son sit upon it and say that he's the king of all the lions?

[1:15:15] I said, this is the measuring throne.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:18] And here's my favorite part of all these Blue Apron ads.

[1:15:21] I get to read a couple of upcoming meals.

[1:15:24] Oh, yeah.

[1:15:25] And this is going to be delicious.

[1:15:26] Dan's going to start slobbering.

[1:15:27] They got elote-style vegetable tostadas with summer squash, poblano peppers, and cilantro

[1:15:32] rice.

[1:15:33] Sounds delicious.

[1:15:34] And peach honey glazed chicken with mashed sweet potatoes, collard greens, and thy basil.

[1:15:39] They could be matched sweet potatoes.

[1:15:41] Perfectly matched.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:42] Blue Apron perfectly matches your sweet potatoes every time.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:45] They've got a matching sweet potato program.

[1:15:48] Yeah.

[1:15:49] If you donate 10 sweet potatoes, then the corporation donates 10 sweet potatoes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:53] Are you tired of mismatched sweet potatoes?

[1:15:56] Well, no more.

[1:15:58] Yeah.

[1:15:58] What's the...

[1:15:59] So, Matt, it's like a pension program, the matching sweet potatoes program?

[1:16:02] Yeah.

[1:16:02] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:03] For how many sweet potatoes you put in, they'll match it.

[1:16:06] Oh, no kidding.

[1:16:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:08] Okay.

[1:16:09] Okay.

[1:16:09] So, Little Apron...

Dan McCoy

[1:16:10] You're committed to that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:12] Yeah.

[1:16:13] I'll take all the sweet potatoes I've been sticking under my mattress.

[1:16:16] Your match-tress.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:18] Yep.

[1:16:18] Dan, what other dishes have they got coming up?

[1:16:20] That's it.

[1:16:21] But check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping

[1:16:24] by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:16:28] Blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:16:30] Blueapron.com slash flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:32] To have your free trial of Blue Apron.

[1:16:35] It sounds like...

[1:16:35] I don't know why you're not doing this right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:38] Yum.

[1:16:42] Okay.

[1:16:43] We also have some j-j-j-jumbotrons.

[1:16:47] But first, I want to say special thank you to everybody who came out to our double Flophouse

[1:16:52] live show at the Bell House.

[1:16:54] I had a lot of fun.

[1:16:55] I didn't think we could do it.

[1:16:57] They didn't think we could do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:58] No.

[1:16:58] But we did it.

[1:16:59] We did it.

[1:16:59] Two back-to-back recordings.

[1:17:01] Thanks to special guest star of the show, Hallie Haglund, for being with us.

[1:17:05] Thanks to everyone at the Bell House, which is a great place that we love doing stuff.

[1:17:08] And hopefully will again someday in the future.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:10] Thanks for putting up with Dan's PowerPoint being done two shows in a row.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:17] Stuart and I had new PowerPoints for each show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:19] At least half of mine was new.

[1:17:20] Mine was 100% new balls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:22] Dan, he read the same one.

[1:17:25] And the shame was palpable.

[1:17:27] And while we're at it, why don't we plug, we have an upcoming show.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:31] No, no.

[1:17:31] Let's plug that at the end because there's reasons for that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:35] Stop holding me back, Dan.

[1:17:36] I want to plug this thing.

[1:17:37] Stop holding me back, man.

[1:17:39] So should we go to the Jumbotron?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:40] Dan's going to put his foot down.

[1:17:41] I have to cut out the ads for the audible version of this, but I don't want to cut out the plug for our live show.

[1:17:46] That's a little peek behind the curtain.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:47] Didn't really need to explain that to us right now.

[1:17:49] Peeled my pants back.

[1:17:51] We saw what's going on.

[1:17:52] Now let's close them back up and get to the Jumbotrons.

[1:17:55] I got a message here.

[1:17:57] The message is for fr.eric.

[1:18:00] I don't know if that means frere or father.

[1:18:05] And this message is from David.

[1:18:06] Last name withheld, but this is not Elliot's brother.

[1:18:09] Oh, thank goodness.

[1:18:11] And wait a minute.

[1:18:11] I think I'm going to pass the Jumbotron reading details to my pal, Berner Herzog.

[1:18:18] And he says, on behalf of myself, the Dan of our family, Elliot, the steward of our family.

[1:18:26] My mistake.

[1:18:27] I misread that.

[1:18:28] It says, Emily, the steward of our family.

[1:18:31] Und Bridget, the Flophouse house cat of our family.

[1:18:34] We want to wish you all the best as you begin your next chapter of service in name of South African, South American country withheld.

[1:18:44] Man, my friend Berner Herzog is doing a terrible job of this.

[1:18:47] Maybe you should take over from him.

[1:18:49] We love you, bro.

[1:18:50] Thank you.

[1:18:51] So, yeah.

[1:18:53] Thanks.

[1:18:53] This message is for frere Eric.

[1:18:56] This message was meant to be on June 10th, if possible.

[1:19:00] Dan, good job.

[1:19:01] But, yep.

[1:19:02] So, thank you, David.

[1:19:03] I do it when they're given to me.

[1:19:04] Good luck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:07] And I've got, that was a personal message.

[1:19:09] I've got a business message on the Jumbotron.

[1:19:13] And it says this.

[1:19:15] Subscribe and listen to Soulmates.

[1:19:17] We're just two married couples who love MST3K and each other, and we want to talk to you about it.

[1:19:21] Join us for custom cocktail recipes, relationship advice, and semi-intelligent conversation.

[1:19:26] Find us on Twitter at, at SoulmatesPod.

[1:19:28] That's S-O-L.

[1:19:30] Satellite of Love MatesPod.

[1:19:31] And it's, that's what you do.

[1:19:33] Listen to Soulmates, an MST3K fan podcast.

[1:19:37] You like that, Elliot.

[1:19:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:38] I mean, I love Mystery Science Theater 3000 because it's my favorite show of all time.

[1:19:42] And then I got to make it living the dream.

[1:19:45] And so, I can't wait to listen to S-O-L Mates, this MST3K fan cast.

[1:19:50] And look it up on Twitter at, at, S-O-L MatesPod.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:54] Well, that sounds great.

[1:19:55] So, two lovely Jumbotrons.

[1:19:57] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:58] There's something kind of illicit about a podcast where it's two married couples making the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:02] I believe we have a plug for a live show that you wanted to do, Elliot.

[1:20:09] Yeah, I guess I'm the only one who wanted to do it.

[1:20:11] Sure.

[1:20:11] You guys don't care.

[1:20:12] Dan, stop holding me back.

[1:20:13] You've got a note in front of your, you literally have a note in front of you on the table.

[1:20:18] That's why I went to you with it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] Anyway, I'll do the heavy lifting on this one, fellas.

[1:20:22] Let's say you couldn't make it to a Flophouse live show because you don't live near New York.

[1:20:26] You live in, say, Philadelphia, dozens of miles from New York.

[1:20:29] Well, you are in luck because on July 16th, that's right, two days after Bastille Day,

[1:20:35] so your Bastille Day hangover will be a thing of the past,

[1:20:38] you'll be at the Philly Podcast Festival in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

[1:20:41] That's the city of brotherly love.

[1:20:44] And cheesesteaks.

[1:20:45] Yeah, and cheesesteaks.

[1:20:46] True.

[1:20:47] And as I've said before, the world's greatest collection of Marcel Duchamp's work

[1:20:51] at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:52] And it's where they created cream cheese, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] Yeah, that's right.

[1:20:58] I think so, yeah.

[1:20:59] That's where they invented it, yeah.

[1:21:01] It's Sunday, July 16th.

[1:21:03] Doors are at 7.30 p.m.

[1:21:04] Show is at 8 p.m.

[1:21:05] Go to phillypodfest.com.

[1:21:09] That's phillypodfest.com to buy your tickets to the first show we've ever done in Philadelphia, right?

[1:21:15] So what are we going to do before?

[1:21:16] We're going to run up the rocky steps at the Museum of Art.

[1:21:18] We're probably going to go to, what, Independence Hall?

[1:21:21] Try to ring that crazy cracked bell.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:24] We're going to...

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:26] When are we going to announce the movie we're watching for this show, Dan?

[1:21:31] Do you have an idea of what we should watch for you?

[1:21:34] Don't look at me now.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:36] I'd pass the hot potato to you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:37] You don't want to put it on for me, so I'm just throwing it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:39] Pass it to Elliot, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:41] Elliot already got a hot potato this round.

[1:21:43] Oh, and I burned my hands.

[1:21:45] Luckily, it was a matched sweet potato.

[1:21:46] I don't know.

[1:21:47] Let's watch fucking Rat Race or some shit.

[1:21:50] Rat Race?

[1:21:51] Wait, I didn't take the most random.

[1:21:54] New fee you could think of out of your ass.

[1:21:58] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:21:58] I stuffed my hand deep into my...

[1:22:01] What is that?

[1:22:02] My...

[1:22:02] Oh, fuck.

[1:22:03] I couldn't remember what we called that.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:04] Let's watch Mel Brooks' The Twelve Chairs.

[1:22:08] That's an okay movie.

[1:22:09] No, it's a perfectly good movie.

[1:22:11] It's just the randomness of it.

[1:22:12] That's not a perfect movie.

[1:22:13] Perfectly good.

[1:22:14] Oh, okay.

[1:22:17] Yeah.

[1:22:18] What did you call it before?

[1:22:19] A chocolate depository?

[1:22:21] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:22] Chocolate cavity.

[1:22:23] Yeah.

[1:22:23] So, guys, we're just going to watch Made in America starring Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson.

[1:22:28] Yeah, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:29] I mean, we've taken a bunch of recommendations on Twitter.

[1:22:33] People sent it to me, and then I don't have all...

[1:22:36] I got to collate that data.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:41] You got to get all Ben Affleck the accountant on those numbers.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:44] Some people seem to think we should do some older movies that are Philly related.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:49] I think you meant to say, somebody thinks we should do some other movies.

[1:22:52] Yeah.

[1:22:52] Like in Smash Mouth terms.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:54] Yeah.

[1:22:54] Like a Rocky V or a Mannequin, which apparently Philly films.

[1:22:58] I mean, I'd totally watch Mannequin.

[1:23:00] Yeah.

[1:23:01] We'll talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:02] Well, yeah.

[1:23:02] Maybe we should do a special Philly film.

[1:23:04] Because you can't spell Philly without Phil.

[1:23:07] Special.

[1:23:08] So, let's find one of the guys whose name is Phil.

[1:23:10] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:11] Okay.

[1:23:12] This line of talk is...

[1:23:14] Dan, how much editing are you going to do on this episode?

[1:23:15] Do we got a lot more jokes here, or are we going right to letters?

[1:23:18] No, we're going to do letters.

[1:23:20] These are letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:22] Now, I already sang a song earlier in the episode.

[1:23:24] So, for those of you who are looking forward to hearing a letter song from me, keep in mind

[1:23:28] I already sang a song earlier in the episode, which means you're going to get two songs

[1:23:34] this episode.

[1:23:36] Two full songs from a guy who usually sings just one.

[1:23:40] Two is more than one.

[1:23:42] Two is less than three.

[1:23:43] Two is good enough for you and for me.

[1:23:46] That's two.

[1:23:47] It's a letter for just me and you.

[1:23:49] That's two.

[1:23:49] No one else because there's just two.

[1:23:52] Two is the second number.

[1:23:55] Unless you count zero.

[1:23:56] And I don't.

[1:23:58] That's the absence of value.

[1:23:59] It's really more of a conceptual placeholder for larger numbers.

[1:24:03] Two is going to get another beer.

[1:24:05] Two is a number I think we can rely on.

[1:24:08] Two is a number to live or die on.

[1:24:10] Two is a number for letters.

[1:24:13] Letters are numbers for you.

[1:24:16] You don't know the difference between letters and numbers, which is weird.

[1:24:21] You should have learned that.

[1:24:23] Letters are for the words.

[1:24:24] I'm sick for God's sake.

[1:24:25] Numbers are for math.

[1:24:26] I need to get dressed tonight.

[1:24:28] Letters don't go in math.

[1:24:28] Except I guess that algebra uses some letters.

[1:24:31] I need to.

[1:24:32] So forget what I said.

[1:24:33] Letters are numbers.

[1:24:34] Numbers are letters.

[1:24:35] Let's get ahead to the letters from me and you.

[1:24:39] Because that makes two.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:40] I think we only got like two more of these recordings in Brooklyn, right?

[1:24:46] One or two more of these scheduled.

[1:24:47] Don't bring us down.

[1:24:48] So I got to make the most of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:51] No, no, no.

[1:24:54] When I get on the floor, I'll need some more floor.

[1:25:00] Because why would.

[1:25:01] Wait a minute.

[1:25:01] Why does he need so much floor?

[1:25:03] What floor is he getting on?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:04] So this first letter is from Jerob, last name withheld.

[1:25:08] Get the fuck out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:12] That's a person's name, Stuart.

[1:25:13] What are you doing?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:13] I was talking to Dan, not talking to the person.

[1:25:15] Oh, okay.

[1:25:16] Jerob is great.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:18] On previous episodes, Elliot offered advice on how to search the TV guide for a certain

[1:25:22] kind of content.

[1:25:23] Movies that might have topless women.

[1:25:26] If I recall correctly, the advice was to avoid movies with intentionally erotic titles and

[1:25:32] seek movies with words like beach, bikini, college, and off-road.

[1:25:36] Even though this advice is completely useless in modern times, it was well-intended but tragically

[1:25:41] heteronormative.

[1:25:42] I would like you to fix one of those problems.

[1:25:45] Let's suppose you could broadcast your advice to the male-attracted youth of the past few

[1:25:48] decades.

[1:25:49] What should they search for in the TV guide?

[1:25:52] Movies featuring barbarians usually featured an oiled male lead.

[1:25:56] Lost Boys had that sax player.

[1:25:58] Top Gun had a beach volleyball scene set to playing with the boys.

[1:26:02] You don't want people to think you're a homophobe, right?

[1:26:05] Better finish this list.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:07] I mean, I don't want people to think I'm a homophobe.

[1:26:09] I'm very homo-friendly, if that's a word.

[1:26:12] I accept all types of people who do all types of things.

[1:26:15] Because you know what's great about humanity, Dan?

[1:26:17] What's that, Dan?

[1:26:18] The variety.

[1:26:19] Variety of people.

[1:26:20] It's a kaleidoscope.

[1:26:22] I mean, that's a weird way to put it.

[1:26:23] So people are just falling around, like going, ah, and making different patterns.

[1:26:27] Yep.

[1:26:28] It's like a sociopath would see humanity that way.

[1:26:30] But here's the thing.

[1:26:32] It's an interesting dilemma here, because Hollywood has been heteronormative for most of its history.

[1:26:37] And so sexual movies with nudity are more usually centered around female nudity than male.

[1:26:45] The flip side of this is that because men are considered the standard default body type for almost all of human history,

[1:26:52] topless men and men wearing not a lot of clothes get into a lot more movies than naked women.

[1:26:58] You can see them in all types of – any movie set at a beach or a gym is going to have a muscly guy, often with his shirt off.

[1:27:05] But here's the thing.

[1:27:05] If you remember my original advice, I believe the real key was if a movie says nudity in the TV guy listing, don't waste your time.

[1:27:14] Look for when it says sexual situations.

[1:27:16] Yeah.

[1:27:16] Because that's when there's going to be a ton of nudity.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:18] I would say if you're looking for male nudity, also look for the name Kevin Bacon listed.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:25] He does like showing his penis in movies sometimes.

[1:27:28] Or Michael Fassbender.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:29] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:27:30] I mean, that's not helpful for the people of the past because he was not – he didn't have a career yet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:34] Yeah, so if we're taking this advice and sending it in a time capsule back in time.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:39] And any modern action film, the hero will want to take his top off at some point to show how he got totally swole for the part.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:48] Yeah, in the 80s especially, shirts were getting ripped off all the time.

[1:27:51] Yeah.

[1:27:52] Pants, not as much.

[1:27:53] No.

[1:27:54] I guess they could watch – isn't there a scene in Bachelor Party at a male strip club?

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:58] Yeah, yeah, where Nick the Dick puts his penis in a hot dog bun.

[1:28:01] Yeah, yeah.

[1:28:01] That's what I was referencing when I was talking about putting a penis in a hot dog bun.

[1:28:04] I didn't even think about that.

[1:28:05] That's why I kept winking at you guys and then holding up my Bachelor Party VHS cassette.

[1:28:09] Oh, that's why you were doing that.

[1:28:10] I thought you just wanted us to watch Bachelor Party after we were done with that.

[1:28:12] Yeah, that's what I was trying to get you guys to do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:14] I thought you were just reminding us that, hey, Tom Hanks may be America's favorite dad, but he had to start somewhere and it wasn't always so clean.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:23] I hope that helped, I guess.

[1:28:26] The next letter is from Taj, last name withheld.

[1:28:30] Mahal.

[1:28:30] Yep, I was waiting for that.

[1:28:32] Most famous Taj, other than the rise of.

[1:28:36] Dear Floppers, I had a moment of cognitive overlap while watching the excellent new Mystery Science Theater 3000.

[1:28:43] For a while, I started imagining the original Peaches on the Satellite of Love with Dan as Yoda, Elliot as Crow, and Stu as Tom Servo.

[1:28:50] Which raised the question, which fictional robots do you most identify with?

[1:28:54] I have my own list.

[1:28:55] Elliot as Johnny Five from Short Circuit.

[1:28:57] I'll buy that, sure.

[1:28:58] Dan as Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Checker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[1:29:01] Most definitely.

[1:29:03] Stuart as both Robot Bill and Robot Ted from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

[1:29:06] That's super accurate.

[1:29:07] I feel like this guy's nailed it so well.

[1:29:08] I remember seeing Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:12] One summer when I was staying at my friend Justin Skelton's Lakehouse, Justin Skelton, who I mentioned before as being the one who didn't watch Roseanne.

[1:29:18] I was being a skeleton.

[1:29:19] Because it was a bum show.

[1:29:20] But we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:22] And he was a skeleton, too.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:24] And he was a skeleton.

[1:29:25] His dad was the cryptkeeper.

[1:29:26] Yeah, it was crazy.

[1:29:28] And I remember seeing that movie and staying awake that night.

[1:29:33] My brain on fire from the possibilities of this Bill and Ted universe.

[1:29:38] Oh, yeah.

[1:29:39] Like, they expanded it so much.

[1:29:41] William Sadler as the crypt as Death.

[1:29:44] It's so awesome.

[1:29:45] There's a lot.

[1:29:46] That was a weird movie.

[1:29:47] There's a lot going on in the movie.

[1:29:48] But, like, for my kid brain, it was the perfect thing to see.

[1:29:53] Oh, man.

[1:29:54] It's so fucking good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:55] Yeah, that's how I felt when Family Matters crossed over with Step by Step.

[1:29:58] And you're like, everything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:00] Checking all my boxes.

[1:30:01] I was like, it's all one world.

[1:30:02] Heels and wheels.

[1:30:03] I decided to get home and watch TV on Friday nights.

[1:30:07] Oh, yeah.

[1:30:08] Finally.

[1:30:08] TGI fucking F, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:10] Yeah, I was thanking God every Friday that it was Friday.

[1:30:13] Yep, you were thanking a Christian God.

[1:30:16] It was Friday night.

[1:30:18] The moon was bright.

[1:30:19] I wanted to have some fun and show them how it's done.

[1:30:22] And I did.

[1:30:23] TGIF.

[1:30:25] It was weird when Perfect Strangers was part of TGIF, though.

[1:30:27] Why?

[1:30:28] Because it felt a little bit like when Richard Belzer joined Law & Order,

[1:30:36] where it was like, wait a minute, you're not from this place.

[1:30:39] You're from another place.

[1:30:40] You're a ringer.

[1:30:41] Oh, okay.

[1:30:43] So, I agree.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:45] When Dinosaurs was on that, oh, my Lord.

[1:30:48] Yeah.

[1:30:49] I mean, I would have accepted also being.

[1:30:50] What dreams may come.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:51] I also would have accepted being the Iron Giant.

[1:30:54] So, that question, I guess, was about TGIF.

[1:30:57] Or Hedon of Zimbab.

[1:30:57] I mean, it wasn't a question.

[1:30:59] No, the question.

[1:31:00] He answered the question.

[1:31:01] He answered his own question.

[1:31:02] Is your objection here?

[1:31:04] So, you don't have any.

[1:31:04] Not an objection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:06] Yeah.

[1:31:06] Were we supposed to answer it?

[1:31:07] He gave great answers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:09] Sometimes I could see Elliot or Dan being that little nerdy robot from Futurama,

[1:31:13] the little orphan robot with the crushes.

[1:31:15] I could see that, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:16] Yeah.

[1:31:16] And I always, because I'm a small guy,

[1:31:18] I always sympathize with the robots from Batteries Not Included.

[1:31:21] Also, because I'm always being confused for a hamburger.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:24] Yeah.

[1:31:25] I think that you would have to cross...

[1:31:29] Hot buns.

[1:31:31] Cross Marvin with Hedonism Bot to get to me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:34] Yeah, that's pretty accurate, actually.

[1:31:35] Yeah, but like 95% Marvin.

[1:31:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:38] But like the laziness of Hedonism Bot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:42] That's true.

[1:31:43] Marvin accomplishes a lot.

[1:31:45] And when people ask him to do...

[1:31:46] No, it's true.

[1:31:47] Because Dan, when I was your supervisor at The Daily Show,

[1:31:49] when I'd ever ask you to do things,

[1:31:50] you would go,

[1:31:51] really?

[1:31:53] And it was like,

[1:31:54] yeah, that's what Marvin does.

[1:31:55] Yeah.

[1:31:55] Brain the size of a planet.

[1:31:57] And I'm fetching those guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:59] When you're delivering that news to Dan,

[1:32:01] you can see in his eyes the hours of napping that he doesn't get to do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:06] I saw his projected nap meter falling.

[1:32:10] Yeah, Dan?

[1:32:10] Sorry that turned into some Dan bashing.

[1:32:12] That wasn't fair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:13] You know what?

[1:32:13] But the thing is,

[1:32:15] when the rubber hit the road,

[1:32:17] when the pizza hit the mouth,

[1:32:18] you got that shit done.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:20] Yeah, that's true.

[1:32:21] Yeah.

[1:32:21] When the pizza hit the mouth.

[1:32:25] So this is from Randy,

[1:32:28] last name with help.

[1:32:28] Randy Spears.

[1:32:30] While making my way through your back catalog,

[1:32:32] it dawned on me that Dan Stewart's tour at Earlham College

[1:32:34] coincided with my stint as an assistant manager

[1:32:36] at that sole blockbuster video in that little burg.

[1:32:40] It warms my heart to think I might have rented a copy of Castle Freak

[1:32:42] to an impressionable young Stuart Wellington.

[1:32:45] It frustrated me to no end that the store was lumped into

[1:32:48] blockbuster's blue-collar rural category

[1:32:51] despite the presence of Earlham College.

[1:32:57] That lovely little label meant that on new release day,

[1:33:00] the store would get, say, 10 copies of Biodome

[1:33:02] and one copy of Fargo.

[1:33:04] Let's just say the wrestling, i.e. rasslin, section

[1:33:07] nearly outweighed the foreign film section.

[1:33:10] I mean, those wrestlers are huge.

[1:33:11] I'm not surprised they don't owe it to foreign actors.

[1:33:14] No, sir.

[1:33:14] We don't carry the seventh seal,

[1:33:17] but we're stock to the cock with WrestleMania 8.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:20] Stock to the cock's a common phrase.

[1:33:22] It's in the blockbuster.

[1:33:23] Said that to my pastor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:24] It's in the blockbuster handbook.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:27] I did what I could to recommend the gems we did have,

[1:33:29] like the City of Lost Children and Tetsuo the Iron Man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:34] What a weird...

[1:33:35] Like, that's...

[1:33:35] If I went to a video store,

[1:33:37] and this is someone who's seen Tetsuo the Iron Man,

[1:33:39] appreciated certain aspects of it.

[1:33:41] If I went to a video store and the guy was like,

[1:33:42] dude, dude, dude,

[1:33:43] don't take, I don't know what,

[1:33:44] Groundhog Day or something.

[1:33:45] Don't take Tetsuo 2 Body Hammer.

[1:33:47] Just go get Tetsuo the Iron Man.

[1:33:49] You're going to love it.

[1:33:50] I would return to that video store and say,

[1:33:52] sir, what do you think I am?

[1:33:55] If you've always frequented it.

[1:33:56] And then I'd pick up Tetsuo 2 Body Hammer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:58] Dan, what the fuck?

[1:33:58] We have a letter from the manager of the blockbuster

[1:34:01] from the little town we went to school,

[1:34:03] and that's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:04] Yeah.

[1:34:05] I'm going to skip a couple paragraphs.

[1:34:08] I'm trying to recall

[1:34:09] if I ever saw someone Danish awkwardly

[1:34:11] trying the stockroom door

[1:34:13] in the hope of finding porn beyond.

[1:34:15] No, we want a family video for that, homie.

[1:34:17] Well, yeah, here we go.

[1:34:18] Every shift, some dude would try the door,

[1:34:19] only to be pelted with judgmental stares.

[1:34:22] Blockbuster never carried it.

[1:34:24] The closest thing we stalked

[1:34:25] was the bank dick and maybe Chisholm.

[1:34:27] How weird is it that the family video

[1:34:29] carries adult videos?

[1:34:31] Something for the whole family, I guess.

[1:34:34] Why do they call it?

[1:34:35] Cock Blockbuster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:37] Family video was raw as hell, dude.

[1:34:39] I read all kinds of crazy shit from there.

[1:34:41] Hey, man, how do you think you make families?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:43] That's true.

[1:34:44] By doing it.

[1:34:45] Thanks for the many hours of pod.

[1:34:46] Stay pretty.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:47] Thanks.

[1:34:48] Man, I'm trying to remember

[1:34:49] the Blockbuster in that town.

[1:34:50] I remember going there with friends

[1:34:52] who were from the East Coast

[1:34:54] who would get so mad

[1:34:55] at how long the lines were

[1:34:57] and how everyone took way too much time.

[1:35:00] Yeah.

[1:35:00] My friend Jordana,

[1:35:01] who was from like Rochester, New York,

[1:35:03] was like,

[1:35:03] these people in the Midwest

[1:35:05] take too long in lines.

[1:35:06] And I'm like,

[1:35:07] Rochester is kind of the Midwest, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:11] Yeah, I think I've told the story.

[1:35:13] I'm sure I've told this story before,

[1:35:14] but the thing I remember

[1:35:15] about the Blockbuster

[1:35:16] is going there with Bill Hickey

[1:35:17] and they had the boyfriend school,

[1:35:20] a.k.a.

[1:35:20] Don't Tell Her It's Me,

[1:35:21] on the wall there.

[1:35:23] And it was always written out by me.

[1:35:25] With a sticker that said,

[1:35:26] Guaranteed Entertainment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:31] It's not fucking wrong, dude.

[1:35:33] That shit would hold up in court.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:35] A guy from New Orleans

[1:35:36] is putting the stickers on.

[1:35:37] Ah, boyfriend school,

[1:35:38] Guaranteed Entertainment.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:42] One last quick,

[1:35:43] very quick message from Kevin.

[1:35:45] Last name withheld.

[1:35:47] I'm glad you brought that.

[1:35:48] It's like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:48] get the burglars out of my house, please.

[1:35:50] So we need to talk about me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:52] I was at the Bell House early show.

[1:35:54] Get the burglars out of my house.

[1:35:56] Dear Plof House,

[1:35:56] love your podcast.

[1:35:57] The wet bandits are attacking

[1:35:58] and it's Christmas.

[1:35:59] And you're like,

[1:36:00] oops, a little late on this part.

[1:36:02] And we look up online

[1:36:03] and it says,

[1:36:04] boy killed

[1:36:04] an apparent home invasion.

[1:36:06] Wet bandits claim another life.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:09] They had earlier shot Gene Smart.

[1:36:11] Oh boy.

[1:36:12] Yep, wet with blood.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:13] Wait, so Dan,

[1:36:14] are you implying that

[1:36:15] the accountant takes place

[1:36:16] in a timeline

[1:36:17] right before Home Alone?

[1:36:20] They share the Home Alone-iverse.

[1:36:21] The wet bandits

[1:36:22] were the assassins

[1:36:23] that John Luthko hired

[1:36:24] to kill his wife.

[1:36:26] It was an unrelated, yeah.

[1:36:27] Yeah, that it was

[1:36:28] an unrelated break-in.

[1:36:29] And the wet bandits,

[1:36:30] so there's just,

[1:36:31] I have this image of Daniel Stern now

[1:36:32] shaking, traumatized,

[1:36:33] throwing up in the bathroom

[1:36:34] and Joe Pesci's like,

[1:36:36] so you killed someone.

[1:36:38] What's the problem?

[1:36:38] He's like,

[1:36:39] I can't do that ever again, boss.

[1:36:40] From now on,

[1:36:41] we're no longer the gun bandits.

[1:36:43] We'll be the wet bandits.

[1:36:44] We're only hitting

[1:36:45] on Christmas Eve

[1:36:46] when we know people

[1:36:46] aren't going to be around anymore.

[1:36:48] Man, that's a lot of backstory

[1:36:49] that I think really helps

[1:36:51] shape the movie.

[1:36:52] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:53] So a little context

[1:36:54] to this last letter.

[1:36:56] In the live show

[1:36:57] that we taped,

[1:36:58] which will not be released

[1:37:00] ever.

[1:37:01] Until August, probably.

[1:37:03] Yeah.

[1:37:04] I promised people in line

[1:37:06] who we did not get to

[1:37:07] their question

[1:37:09] that I would,

[1:37:10] if you wrote in

[1:37:11] and saying that you're

[1:37:11] one of the four people in line

[1:37:13] who did not get

[1:37:14] your question answered,

[1:37:15] we'd be sure to answer

[1:37:16] it on the show.

[1:37:17] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:17] And so this person writes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:18] Dan was doing anything

[1:37:19] he could

[1:37:20] to get some goodwill

[1:37:21] from this crowd.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:22] Oh, man.

[1:37:22] After they saw him

[1:37:23] do the same presentation twice,

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:25] they were not happy.

[1:37:26] He started taking his clothes off

[1:37:27] and were like,

[1:37:28] dude, what are you doing?

[1:37:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:29] They like you for your mind.

[1:37:31] At one point,

[1:37:31] he was just throwing

[1:37:32] $10 bills into the audience.

[1:37:34] I was like,

[1:37:34] dude, that's like $400

[1:37:35] you just threw out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:38] Kevin writes,

[1:37:39] I was at the Bell House

[1:37:40] early show

[1:37:41] and was one of the last four

[1:37:43] standing in line

[1:37:44] when you said

[1:37:45] if we emailed you,

[1:37:46] you would answer it

[1:37:46] on the podcast.

[1:37:47] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:48] My question is,

[1:37:49] how are you going to determine

[1:37:50] whether I'm lying or not?

[1:37:52] Good question, Kevin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:53] Wait, so was he going to ask that

[1:37:55] at the show?

[1:37:57] The answer is,

Dan McCoy

[1:37:58] I don't care

[1:37:58] and you've wasted your question.

[1:38:00] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:01] Oh, wow.

[1:38:02] Oh, man.

[1:38:03] Oh, wow.

[1:38:04] Don't get close to Dan.

[1:38:05] He's going super saiyan on us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:07] Oh, Dan got fierce

[1:38:09] all of a sudden.

[1:38:10] Yeah.

[1:38:11] Well,

Dan McCoy

[1:38:13] it's always been inside me.

[1:38:14] You got to.

[1:38:14] Just waiting to spring out.

[1:38:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:16] I like to think that

[1:38:17] all the sass

[1:38:20] that Elliot and I

[1:38:21] have been shoveling on to you.

[1:38:22] Just got directed

[1:38:23] at an unwitting target.

[1:38:25] Yeah, just some rando.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:26] But I read about this

[1:38:27] in your comic book

[1:38:28] The Passive-Aggressive Hulk.

[1:38:31] He goes,

[1:38:32] don't get me pissy.

[1:38:33] You wouldn't like me

[1:38:34] when I'm pissy.

[1:38:35] No one likes anyone

[1:38:36] when they're pissy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:37] Yeah, but you especially

[1:38:37] wouldn't like me.

[1:38:38] Bob Guccione Jr.

[1:38:40] loves it

[1:38:40] when people are pissy.

[1:38:42] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:44] Bravo.

[1:38:45] Bravo.

[1:38:45] Oh, wow.

[1:38:47] What an apt reference

[1:38:48] to the history

[1:38:49] of Penthouse Magazine.

[1:38:54] Oh, fuck.

[1:38:56] Okay.

[1:38:56] Flop House After Dark.

[1:38:58] Tell the family

[1:38:58] to leave the room

[1:38:59] unless they're a family

[1:39:00] video kind of family

[1:39:01] in which case

[1:39:02] bring them in.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:05] So,

[1:39:06] this is the last segment

[1:39:08] of the show.

[1:39:08] It's where we recommend

[1:39:09] movies that you should watch

[1:39:10] instead of The Accountant.

[1:39:12] I'll go first

[1:39:13] because

[1:39:13] Shit, we still have to do this.

[1:39:16] Nope.

[1:39:17] I recently re-watched

[1:39:19] Flop Never Sleeps.

[1:39:20] I recently re-watched

[1:39:21] Doctor Strangelove

[1:39:23] or How I Learned

[1:39:24] to Stop Worrying

[1:39:25] and Love the Bomb.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:28] How's Benedict Cumberbatch

[1:39:29] in that?

[1:39:31] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:33] Was Jackie Chan in that?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:35] Let's see.

[1:39:37] Tell us what news is.

[1:39:38] No, that character

[1:39:39] was played by Peter Sellers.

[1:39:41] That other character

[1:39:44] And other characters

[1:39:46] Wouldn't it have been great

[1:39:46] to have a movie

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:47] with Peter Sellers

[1:39:48] and Jackie Chan in it?

[1:39:49] Jackie Chan was not

Dan McCoy

[1:39:50] in that movie.

[1:39:50] I would love that.

[1:39:52] The physical comedy alone.

[1:39:53] Oh, yeah.

[1:39:54] So,

[1:39:55] pardon me.

[1:39:58] This is a movie

[1:39:58] I, you know,

[1:39:59] I got in the

[1:40:00] Criterion Collection

[1:40:01] disc for Christmas

[1:40:03] and I never got around

[1:40:04] to cracking it open.

[1:40:06] And I re-watched it today.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:07] He cracked the disc

[1:40:07] and it was broken

[1:40:08] so he had to buy a new one.

[1:40:09] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:11] And surprise,

[1:40:12] surprise,

[1:40:13] it's great.

[1:40:13] Everyone likes

[1:40:14] Dr. Strangelove.

[1:40:15] There's no need

[1:40:16] for me to tell you

[1:40:17] to go out and see it.

[1:40:18] It's about a,

[1:40:20] there's a U.S. general

[1:40:22] who goes crazy

[1:40:23] and sends out

[1:40:25] some instructions

[1:40:27] to his bombers

[1:40:28] to go bomb Russia

[1:40:29] with their nuclear payload.

[1:40:31] And the rest of the movie

[1:40:32] is taken up with them.

[1:40:34] The president

[1:40:35] and other generals

[1:40:38] and various people

[1:40:38] trying to get those

[1:40:40] planes back

[1:40:42] from creating

[1:40:44] the nuclear war.

[1:40:46] And we see

[1:40:48] inside the plane

[1:40:49] that's going there too

[1:40:51] with Slim Pickens

[1:40:52] being the

[1:40:53] person

[1:40:54] in the

[1:40:55] plane.

[1:40:56] I'm getting

[1:40:57] real fadey here,

[1:40:58] guys.

[1:40:59] So maybe

[1:40:59] just finish it up

[1:41:00] and we can take it over.

[1:41:03] But it's great.

[1:41:04] It works in part

[1:41:05] because it's serious

[1:41:07] in its comedy stylings.

[1:41:10] It was based

[1:41:10] on a serious book

[1:41:12] and it's probably

[1:41:13] an apocryphal story

[1:41:14] but

[1:41:15] the rumor is

[1:41:17] that Stanley Kubrick

[1:41:19] didn't even tell

[1:41:19] Slim Pickens

[1:41:20] they were making a comedy

[1:41:21] and that helps

[1:41:24] the comedy

[1:41:25] go over.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:26] I find that very hard

[1:41:27] to believe.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:27] I find it hard to believe too.

[1:41:28] That's why I said

[1:41:29] it's probably apocryphal

[1:41:29] but it gives you a sense of...

[1:41:31] The kind of thing

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:31] that plays on the idea

[1:41:32] that Slim Pickens

[1:41:33] was not an actor

[1:41:33] but was just like

[1:41:34] the character he was playing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:36] Like he's the little girl

[1:41:37] in the fall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:38] Yeah, like when he was

[1:41:39] making 1941

[1:41:40] Steven Spielberg

[1:41:41] didn't tell him

[1:41:42] it was a comedy

[1:41:44] he told him it was a documentary

[1:41:45] and so he really swallowed

[1:41:46] all that stuff

[1:41:46] so he could poop it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:47] Until he saw the movie

[1:41:48] and he's like

[1:41:49] whoa, this is so

[1:41:50] incredibly hilarious

[1:41:51] it's gotta be a comedy.

[1:41:53] It's so gustingly funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:55] I should have given you

[1:41:56] a much bigger laugh, Stuart

[1:41:57] for your reference

[1:41:58] to the girl in the fall.

[1:42:00] Slim Pickens

[1:42:01] thinks this is actually

[1:42:02] happening around him.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:04] One tiny note

[1:42:05] before I pass this along

[1:42:06] the great title sequence

[1:42:08] of Doctor Strangelove

[1:42:09] was made by Pablo Faro

[1:42:11] who did the title sequence

[1:42:13] to Stop Making Sense

[1:42:14] in a very similar style.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:16] So that's another recommendation

[1:42:17] for Stop Making Sense.

[1:42:19] That's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:20] In the universe

[1:42:20] every movie leads

[1:42:21] to Stop Making Sense

[1:42:22] for Dan.

[1:42:23] There could be a movie

[1:42:23] called Make Sense for Once

[1:42:25] and Dan would

[1:42:26] turn it into an ad

[1:42:27] for Stop Making Sense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:28] It's like it's such

[1:42:28] an interesting play

[1:42:30] on the subtle name

[1:42:31] of Stop Making Sense.

[1:42:34] The subtle name

[1:42:35] of Stop Making Sense?

[1:42:35] I don't fucking know, dude.

[1:42:36] It's late.

[1:42:37] So Stuart,

[1:42:37] do you have a movie

[1:42:38] to recommend?

[1:42:38] Hell yeah, I do, dude.

[1:42:40] This one's for the horror

[1:42:41] freaks out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:44] Calling all horror hounds

[1:42:45] woof woof.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:49] Yeah, so strap on your barf bags.

[1:42:52] I got another edition

[1:42:53] of Stuart's horror hound

[1:42:54] recommendation.

[1:42:56] Really a long time

[1:42:57] to introduce this recommendation.

[1:42:58] Add horror hound candies

[1:42:59] to give out.

[1:43:00] Mmm.

[1:43:02] Okay.

[1:43:03] Now that I got you slobbering.

[1:43:07] Like the dogs you are.

[1:43:10] Lamp it up.

[1:43:11] I'm going to recommend

[1:43:12] a little movie called

[1:43:14] The Black Coat's Daughter.

[1:43:16] This was a movie

[1:43:17] that was made in 2015

[1:43:19] and sat on the shelf

[1:43:20] for like a year and a half.

[1:43:22] So long that

[1:43:23] the director's

[1:43:24] other movie

[1:43:26] I Am the Pretty Thing

[1:43:27] that Lives in the House

[1:43:28] came out before

[1:43:29] this was even released.

[1:43:31] It is,

[1:43:33] you know,

[1:43:34] it's a horror movie

[1:43:36] about,

[1:43:37] it seems to be about

[1:43:38] a pair of girls

[1:43:39] who are

[1:43:41] for whatever reasons

[1:43:42] spending their winter break

[1:43:44] stuck in a,

[1:43:46] like a Catholic

[1:43:47] boarding school.

[1:43:49] One of the girls

[1:43:49] is played by

[1:43:50] Kiernan Shipka

[1:43:51] who is great

[1:43:52] and this solidifies

[1:43:54] my long-held belief

[1:43:55] that she

[1:43:56] would be a great asset

[1:43:58] to any kind of

[1:43:58] horror movie

[1:43:59] because she

[1:44:00] is able to pull off

[1:44:01] this like

[1:44:02] kind of blank

[1:44:03] mystery

[1:44:04] that

[1:44:05] I kind of always felt

[1:44:07] that way in Mad Men.

[1:44:08] Like I was always like

[1:44:09] there's something

[1:44:10] kind of crazy

[1:44:11] about this person

[1:44:12] or like

[1:44:12] for whatever reason

[1:44:13] she makes the scene

[1:44:14] she's in

[1:44:14] kind of eerie.

[1:44:17] And it's

[1:44:18] a movie

[1:44:19] that is patient

[1:44:20] and kind of quiet.

[1:44:23] Don't expect it

[1:44:24] to be particularly

[1:44:24] fast moving

[1:44:25] but I think

[1:44:25] it's very well shot.

[1:44:27] It kind of

[1:44:28] fits pretty snugly

[1:44:29] in with the current

[1:44:30] thread of

[1:44:32] like prestige

[1:44:34] horror movies

[1:44:35] and

[1:44:36] I don't want to

[1:44:37] talk too much

[1:44:38] about the plot

[1:44:38] because I think

[1:44:39] it's,

[1:44:40] you know,

[1:44:40] it's twists and turns.

[1:44:41] I mean there's some

[1:44:42] but it does have

[1:44:44] a great performance

[1:44:45] by my man

[1:44:46] James Remar

[1:44:48] from the movie

[1:44:49] Quiet Cool.

[1:44:50] Sure, yeah.

[1:44:51] And lots of other things.

[1:44:52] Yeah, so

[1:44:53] if you're looking for

[1:44:55] if you like a movie

[1:44:57] say

[1:44:57] kind of like

[1:44:58] The Witch

[1:44:59] in that it's

[1:45:00] kind of slow moving

[1:45:02] and it has

[1:45:03] some similar themes

[1:45:05] maybe check out

[1:45:06] The Black Coat's Daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:08] Well guys,

[1:45:09] you know what?

[1:45:09] I'm going to break

[1:45:10] with Flophouse tradition

[1:45:11] and for I think

[1:45:12] the second time

[1:45:13] in the history

[1:45:14] of my recommendations

[1:45:15] I'm not going to

[1:45:16] recommend a movie

[1:45:17] because I haven't seen

[1:45:17] any movies lately

[1:45:18] that I really loved.

[1:45:19] I'm going to recommend

[1:45:20] a book.

[1:45:21] Whoa!

[1:45:23] A movie for your mind!

[1:45:25] But there's a

[1:45:25] connection to movies

[1:45:26] which I'll tell you about.

[1:45:27] This is a novel

[1:45:27] that came out

[1:45:28] the year before last

[1:45:29] and won a little thing

[1:45:30] called

[1:45:30] The Pulitzer Prize

[1:45:32] and it's called

[1:45:33] The Sympathizer

[1:45:34] by Viet Thanh Ngoyen

[1:45:35] and

[1:45:36] or Thanh Ngoyen

[1:45:37] I'm not sure

[1:45:37] how to pronounce it.

[1:45:38] Anyway,

[1:45:38] it's a really great book

[1:45:40] about a

[1:45:41] starting with the

[1:45:43] fall of Saigon

[1:45:43] and the end of the Vietnam War

[1:45:45] a guy who is

[1:45:47] a North Vietnamese

[1:45:48] Viet Cong agent

[1:45:49] who has been undercover

[1:45:50] for a long time

[1:45:51] within the South

[1:45:52] Vietnamese Army.

[1:45:53] He becomes part of the

[1:45:55] Vietnamese refugee

[1:45:56] community in the United States

[1:45:58] and is still

[1:45:58] continuing with his work

[1:46:00] but

[1:46:01] is finding it

[1:46:02] more and more difficult

[1:46:02] to understand

[1:46:03] kind of

[1:46:04] why he's doing

[1:46:05] what he's doing

[1:46:06] or what side

[1:46:07] he's really on

[1:46:07] or what's going on

[1:46:08] in his life

[1:46:09] and there's a long

[1:46:10] sequence in the middle

[1:46:11] in which he gets hired

[1:46:12] to be

[1:46:13] the technical advisor

[1:46:15] on a movie

[1:46:17] that is essentially

[1:46:17] Apocalypse Now

[1:46:19] and

[1:46:20] it is scathing

[1:46:21] in its

[1:46:22] satire

[1:46:23] about the depiction

[1:46:23] of the Vietnam War

[1:46:24] and the Vietnamese people

[1:46:25] by American movies

[1:46:26] and it was

[1:46:27] a section that

[1:46:28] really made me

[1:46:30] rethink the way

[1:46:31] I feel about

[1:46:32] some of those movies

[1:46:33] and Apocalypse Now

[1:46:34] a movie that

[1:46:34] I think is great

[1:46:35] and I'll just

[1:46:36] I just have taken it

[1:46:37] for granted

[1:46:37] for a long time

[1:46:38] that it's great

[1:46:38] and very much

[1:46:40] about

[1:46:40] this kind of

[1:46:43] phantasmacoric

[1:46:44] version of the

[1:46:44] American experience

[1:46:45] in the Vietnam War

[1:46:46] but made me

[1:46:47] rethink some of my

[1:46:48] assumptions about

[1:46:49] how you tell stories

[1:46:50] about wars

[1:46:51] and things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:51] Basically like a

[1:46:52] look at

[1:46:53] like American colonialism

[1:46:55] or

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:56] or more that

[1:46:57] it's the experience

[1:46:59] of the kind of

[1:47:00] blindness and hubris

[1:47:02] that leads a guy

[1:47:02] to be like

[1:47:03] I'm going to make

[1:47:03] the ultimate statement

[1:47:04] on this war.

[1:47:05] Are there going to be

[1:47:06] any Vietnamese characters

[1:47:07] in it?

[1:47:07] Not really.

[1:47:08] They kind of exist

[1:47:09] to be shot

[1:47:10] or to shoot

[1:47:10] and just

[1:47:11] then the main

[1:47:12] character's

[1:47:12] frustration with this

[1:47:14] is scathing

[1:47:15] and like painful

[1:47:17] for someone who

[1:47:18] likes that movie

[1:47:19] but in a good

[1:47:20] funny way

[1:47:20] so it's a

[1:47:22] heartbreaking novel

[1:47:23] at times

[1:47:23] but it's also

[1:47:24] really funny

[1:47:24] so The Sympathizer

[1:47:26] I was kind of

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:26] shocked

[1:47:27] what was that

[1:47:28] Mel Gibson

[1:47:28] Vietnam movie

[1:47:30] We Were Soldiers

[1:47:31] We Were Warriors

[1:47:32] once

[1:47:32] or Once Were Warriors

[1:47:33] I think

[1:47:34] We Were Soldiers

[1:47:37] Once and Young

[1:47:37] yeah

[1:47:38] but like

[1:47:38] I think it was

[1:47:39] I was surprised

[1:47:41] that that's one

[1:47:41] of the only

[1:47:42] Vietnam movies

[1:47:43] that I can think

[1:47:43] of that feels

[1:47:45] like it spends

[1:47:46] almost as much

[1:47:46] time on the

[1:47:48] Vietnamese characters

[1:47:49] as it does

[1:47:51] the American characters

[1:47:52] I haven't seen it

[1:47:52] there's very few

[1:47:53] I mean I remember

[1:47:54] putting it off

[1:47:55] and then actually

[1:47:55] seeing it being like

[1:47:56] okay this is actually

[1:47:57] I remember it being

[1:47:59] surprisingly good

[1:48:00] and you know

[1:48:01] I don't know

[1:48:02] like Mel Gibson

[1:48:02] is not a filmmaker

[1:48:03] that I go out of my

[1:48:05] way to defend

[1:48:05] but I remember

[1:48:07] it being pretty good

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:08] but it taps into

[1:48:09] a feeling I had

[1:48:10] when I finally

[1:48:11] got around to

[1:48:11] seeing The Year

[1:48:12] of Living Dangerously

[1:48:12] where like

[1:48:13] this nation

[1:48:14] is in upheaval

[1:48:15] and the people

[1:48:16] who actually

[1:48:16] live in the country

[1:48:17] are being killed

[1:48:18] by the score

[1:48:18] but like

[1:48:19] oh good

[1:48:20] Mel Gibson

[1:48:20] and Sigourney

[1:48:21] Weaver got out

[1:48:21] so I guess

[1:48:22] everything turned

[1:48:22] out okay

[1:48:23] and the stuff

[1:48:24] he says

[1:48:25] is just like

[1:48:26] really brutal

[1:48:27] but also very funny

[1:48:28] so

[1:48:29] and

[1:48:30] what's the name

[1:48:30] of the book

[1:48:31] called The Sympathizer

[1:48:32] I'll let it to you

[1:48:33] if you want

[1:48:33] it's really good

Dan McCoy

[1:48:34] so three

[1:48:35] great recommendations

[1:48:36] two of which

[1:48:37] follow the rules

[1:48:38] of the podcast

[1:48:39] and one of which

[1:48:40] has been disqualified

[1:48:41] oh

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:42] you've been cast

[1:48:44] into another dimension

[1:48:45] no

[1:48:45] you're in the phantom zone

[1:48:46] now

[1:48:47] no

[1:48:47] but that means

[1:48:48] I'll survive

[1:48:48] the destruction

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:49] of this planet

[1:48:49] so score

[1:48:50] yeah

[1:48:51] and the president

[1:48:53] will kneel before me

Dan McCoy

[1:48:54] well

[1:48:55] it's after midnight

[1:48:56] and I

[1:48:57] we're gonna let it

[1:48:58] all hang out

[1:48:59] I'm not getting

[1:49:01] any less sick

[1:49:02] so

[1:49:03] let's

[1:49:04] that's

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:05] actually very bad

[1:49:06] Dan

[1:49:06] your immune system

[1:49:08] should be working

[1:49:08] on that illness

[1:49:09] yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:09] let's stop this thing

[1:49:10] when you reach a certain age

[1:49:12] your body just kind of

[1:49:13] breaks down

[1:49:13] yeah

[1:49:14] don't I know it

[1:49:15] I've been experiencing that

[1:49:17] I threw out my back

[1:49:18] like two weeks ago

[1:49:19] and I'm a pile of

[1:49:20] fucking garbage

[1:49:21] right now

[1:49:21] he really is

[1:49:23] he's literally

[1:49:23] he's the pile of garbage

[1:49:24] from Fraggle Rock

[1:49:25] I'm the pile of garbage

[1:49:27] that what

[1:49:28] Chet turns into

[1:49:29] in Weird Science

[1:49:30] yeah

[1:49:30] I was gonna say

[1:49:31] you look a little better than that

[1:49:32] you're more of a

[1:49:32] Pizza the Hut type

[1:49:33] oh that's great

[1:49:34] oh why are you eating

[1:49:35] parts of my body

[1:49:36] Elliot

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:36] oh it's just so delicious

[1:49:37] nom nom nom

[1:49:39] the weirdest thing about

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:40] that movie

[1:49:41] is when

[1:49:42] that silver guy

[1:49:43] starts eating

[1:49:44] Pizza the Hut

[1:49:45] yeah

[1:49:45] the whole time

[1:49:46] I'm like

[1:49:47] how does that affect

[1:49:48] his makeup

[1:49:48] like

[1:49:49] is he getting makeup

[1:49:51] on his pizza

[1:49:52] what's going on

[1:49:52] also the fact that

[1:49:53] Pizza the Hut

[1:49:53] doesn't really mind

[1:49:54] is strange

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:56] I mean it's probably

[1:49:57] just like dead skin cells

[1:49:58] right

[1:49:58] I guess that's fair

[1:49:59] that's fair

[1:50:00] like if someone started

[1:50:00] cutting off pieces

[1:50:01] of your hair

[1:50:01] I know where you're

[1:50:02] seeing the biology

[1:50:03] of Pizza the Hut

[1:50:04] oh and we don't speak

[1:50:05] Huddies

[1:50:06] which is his language

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:07] no one longer

Dan McCoy

[1:50:08] alright

[1:50:09] that's enough of that

[1:50:10] for the Flophouse

[1:50:12] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:50:13] oh I've been

[1:50:15] Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:16] and remembering my order

[1:50:18] in the goodbyes and hellos

[1:50:19] I'm Elliot Kalin

[1:50:20] see you next time

[1:50:22] I was thinking about

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:23] other fucking

[1:50:24] Huddies shit

[1:50:25] they'll hear us

[1:50:26] we won't see them

[1:50:26] I was gonna say like

[1:50:28] pizza no bada

[1:50:29] no java pepperoni

[1:50:32] okay

[1:50:40] you still thirsty boy

[1:50:42] or you good

[1:50:42] I am thirsty

[1:50:43] okay

[1:50:43] my tummy's feeling better

[1:50:45] oh that's nice

[1:50:46] I wiped it out

[1:50:47] we have so many

[1:50:48] messed up tum

[1:50:49] tum tums around here

[1:50:50] yeah this is

[1:50:50] we call this the

[1:50:51] tummy cast

[1:50:53] tummy house

[1:50:54] see the problem with

[1:50:55] my tummy

[1:50:56] is my back tummy

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:57] oh yeah

[1:50:59] I've got a

[1:50:59] I got a case of

[1:51:00] mummy tummy

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:00] oh mummy tummy

[1:51:01] is that when you eat

[1:51:02] too much yummy mummy cereal

[1:51:04] yeah and then your stomach

[1:51:05] gets ripped out

[1:51:06] and put in a jar

[1:51:07] to contain your con

[1:51:08] oh a canoptic jar

[1:51:09] that's wonderful

[1:51:11] well at least all your

[1:51:12] servants will be killed too

[1:51:13] maximumfun.org

[1:51:16] comedy and culture

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Ep. #234 - The Accountant

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