Ep. #303 - The Happytime Murders

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the Happy Time Murders.

[0:04] Live Super Bowl Sunday at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] That's right, he's Dan McCoy, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Those guys are as advertised. Their names are accurate, as they've just reported, and my name, well, therein lies a tale.

[0:54] Oh, God. Oh, geez.

[0:56] You know, the name Elliot Kalin means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

[1:01] He's been known as a lover, a hero, a rogue, a villain.

[1:06] They say an Elliot Kalin either dies a hero or lives long enough to remain a hero.

[1:13] They call him Destroyer of Chickens.

[1:17] They call him Maker of Jokes.

[1:20] They call him Prolonger of Bits.

[1:24] And they call him Waster of Time.

[1:26] And that's what I'm doing today on the Flophouse.

[1:29] Good night, everybody.

[1:29] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] Well, by the way, if you noticed that I took a moment before doing the show, it was me remembering how the show began.

[1:37] So, after 276 episodes as of this taping...

[1:42] You're just about to get it.

[1:43] I'm just about to cash on.

[1:44] You're almost hitting your groove.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46] I think 200 more episodes, and you'll remember your own name and how the show starts.

Dan McCoy

[1:50] I have too much brain power dedicated to remembering the Emperor's new groove to remember my own groove.

[2:00] That was more for Elliot than the audience, apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05] Apparently.

[2:05] I thought that was your mission going in.

[2:07] What's a joke Elliot's going to find funny but nobody else will?

[2:11] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[2:13] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:16] And today, we watched The Happy Time Murders.

[2:21] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] It's a recent Razzie winner nominee, right?

[2:25] Mm-hmm.

[2:26] The most important award.

[2:29] We'll get into that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] That's like the Pulitzer of made-up awards that nobody cares about for movies.

Stuart Wellington

[2:36] I mean, the Pulitzer's a made-up award, though.

[2:38] I mean, they're all made-up awards.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] There are no naturally occurring awards.

[2:41] Like, it's not like if you leave a tree trunk in the middle of the forest for long enough, it turns into an Oscar.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] Like, that's not...

[2:49] Guys, when you think about it, most of the stuff we care about in life is made up.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Oh.

[2:54] Care to name some of it, Dan, to get you in trouble with certain letters?

[2:57] Stop trying to mind-freak me, Dan.

[3:00] Dan, here's something you guys need to know about Dan.

[3:03] He's always trying to mind-freak us.

[3:05] And it doesn't work most of the time.

[3:07] He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, that taco you're eating right now, how many different living things had to die to make that taco?

[3:13] And I'm like, I don't know, a bunch of corn, I don't care.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] I don't really know what a mind-freak is.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Sometimes he'll just jump out of a corner and go, freak!

[3:25] And then he'll go, how's your mind feel?

[3:28] Like, okay.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] Say hello to your mind for me, because it just got freaked.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] You might want to take a minute to calm your mind down, because he's pretty freaked right now.

[3:36] Anyway, Dan, so this movie, The Happy Time Murders.

Dan McCoy

[3:38] No, we're not talking about it.

[3:41] We're just going to dick around more.

[3:44] No, okay, it's a puppet movie.

[3:47] Brian Henson, son of Jim Henson.

[3:49] For some reason, this was his...

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] And Jim Henson, as name you can tell, is the son of a hen.

[3:55] That's what his name tells us.

[3:58] That's the hidden language of names that can tell you a lot.

[4:01] If someone's last name is Carpenter, at some point, someone in their family was probably a carpenter.

Dan McCoy

[4:07] And as I tweeted once, Alan Tudyk has two dicks.

Elliott Kalan

[4:12] I mean, that's not how dick is spelled, but maybe in Old English, this was.

[4:16] Like, maybe when Chaucer wrote his story about Alan Tudyk, that's how he spelled it.

[4:20] The Tudyk's Tale.

[4:21] Now, here's something I want to say about The Happy Time Murders right out of the bat.

[4:24] A couple people that I know worked on this movie in the puppeteering area, and I just want to say the puppeteering in this movie is phenomenal.

[4:31] So, keep in mind, any criticism we have about this movie, and we will, does not apply to the technical quality of the puppeteering, which was top notch.

Stuart Wellington

[4:41] You did have a comment about some of the puppeteering, right?

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] I was like, it's too good.

[4:46] Well, you were saying that, like, they still.

[4:48] Well, this is something they can't do anything about.

[4:49] When there's a lot of full body shots of puppets walking down the street.

[4:53] All right.

[4:54] And here's the problem with a puppet.

Stuart Wellington

[4:55] Elliot, I think you need to get up for this.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] Okay.

[4:57] I mean, the listeners will not understand.

[4:58] A visual bit that will not play to the people listening at home.

[5:01] The listeners will just have to imagine this, but when you walk, your legs support the weight of your body.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:06] And so you walk like this.

[5:07] I'm walking like a normal person.

[5:09] I don't know.

[5:09] That was kind of awkward.

[5:12] Oh, sorry.

[5:13] Let me walk like I normally do.

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:16] Okay.

[5:17] You put a little spit on it.

[5:18] I'm more of a keep on trucking, Mr. Natural type walker.

[5:22] But here's the thing.

[5:23] Puppet's legs do not support their bodies.

[5:26] They're supported by, I don't know, rods, puppeteers named Rod, any number of things.

[5:31] So when they walk, and there's a number of shots of them walking, they all walk kind of like this.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] Yeah.

[5:36] And it's like.

[5:36] They all basically look like when Tilda Swinton is walking around as an old man in the new Suspiria.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] So it's like, so they're like, we're going to show these puppets are real live beings by showing them walking around.

[5:49] Instead, they look like whenever they walk around, you're like, okay, something seriously wrong is happening with that puppet.

[5:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:54] They look like one of those weird little toys where if you push the button, they just collapse.

[5:58] It's like somebody's pushing it halfway the whole time.

Dan McCoy

[6:00] Yeah, it kind of looks like they're being supported by their head is filled with helium.

[6:05] Yes.

[6:06] Yeah.

[6:06] And that's carrying them along and their feet are just like clockwork.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] Their feet are just kind of like streamers hanging below them.

[6:11] You know, yeah.

[6:13] And not the play streamers.

[6:15] Stirring indictment of Vietnam.

[6:16] I'm talking about like streamers the party favor.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] Thank you for that clarification.

[6:21] Our audience was very confused.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] They had this look on their face like, the play streamers?

[6:26] That's what the puppets look like?

[6:28] And I'm going to keep accidentally calling them Muppets.

[6:30] These are not Muppets.

[6:31] It's a Muppet.

[6:32] No.

[6:32] It's a Henson Company production.

[6:34] But hey.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] The Sesame Street Workshop sued the production, I believe.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] Well, because they were using the tagline, no Sesame all street or something like that.

[6:42] Yeah, something like that.

[6:43] It's the open Sesame, it's the street or something like that.

[6:45] They're like, hey, street.

[6:48] Yep.

[6:49] For Sesame.

[6:49] Yeah, that's right.

[6:50] But they have that Muppety look, but they're not Muppets.

[6:54] So if you were hoping this is finally your chance to see the count like having sex with Fozzie,

[7:01] I'm sorry, not in this movie.

[7:04] Google it.

[7:04] It's probably out there.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] I also like that you sound like a sort of a sleazy big picture mogul.

[7:10] You're like, you got that Muppety look, kid.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:15] I mean, that's basically how the Muppet movie ends, right?

[7:18] That's true.

[7:18] Orson Welles is like, you're going to make a lot of movies for me.

[7:22] Anyway, the Happy Time Murders, let's talk about it.

[7:24] Okay.

[7:25] This movie posits a world where puppets are an oppressed minority among people.

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] Has your mind been freaked?

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] The movie opens 10,000 years ago.

[7:34] The camera pans across a windswept battlefield.

[7:38] An evil wizard is forging a ring or something.

[7:42] And an alliance has to be formed between puppets and humans.

[7:46] Carry on, Elliot.

[7:47] This does not happen.

[7:48] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[7:48] I wish it did.

[7:49] That would be amazing.

[7:51] No, the movie opens with puppets are living in L.A.

[7:55] And they are a stand-in for...

Stuart Wellington

[7:56] The story begins back in the Old West where a group of horny leprechauns have sex with,

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] what, fairies?

[8:04] What?

[8:05] That's how dweegans are made.

[8:06] Yes.

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:09] They're leprechauns and fairies that have sex on a man's rug.

[8:13] Thus creating dweegans.

[8:15] The donut-loving imps that we've all come to cherish.

[8:20] You got them sticking to the back of your car right now with suction cups.

[8:23] All those dweegans.

[8:24] Oh, I thought you meant like a Cape Fear type scenario.

[8:26] That's right.

[8:27] They're like hanging underneath the car so you can't escape them.

Dan McCoy

[8:31] Sure.

[8:32] Moving on, though.

[8:33] Moving, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] Muppeting on.

[8:35] So anyway, puppets aren't oppressed minority.

[8:37] It's just like Bright.

[8:38] It's just like Alienation.

[8:39] But this time it's puppets.

[8:40] We're introduced to our hero, Phil Phillips.

[8:42] He's a puppet detective.

[8:44] And get this.

[8:45] In this movie, these puppets, they curse.

[8:49] Like, I don't know if you guys want your minds to be freaked, but these puppets curse a lot.

[8:55] And also, they like doing it.

[8:58] Stuart, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] Are these your daddy's puppets?

[9:01] They are not your daddy's puppets.

[9:02] Okay.

[9:03] Just checking in.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] Unless your dad is Jim Henson.

[9:06] In which case, they bear a striking resemblance.

[9:09] They are your daddy's puppets.

Dan McCoy

[9:10] You raided the warehouse.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] But I'm willing to bet no one in this room or listening is their dad is Jim Henson.

[9:19] So technically, these are not your daddy's puppets.

[9:23] Did your dad have any puppets, Dan?

[9:25] Mine did not.

[9:26] You know what?

[9:27] True story.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] My uncle, who is a minister, as most of the males in my family tree are, had puppets that he used to minister the word of Christ to people.

[9:40] So wait.

[9:41] What kind of puppets were these?

[9:42] They were like puppets that you like.

[9:44] They were like.

[9:44] Don't tell me the mechanics.

[9:45] I want to know the characters.

[9:47] I do not know the characters.

[9:49] But they're the kind that had like.

[9:51] What?

[9:53] Fuck.

[9:53] What's it called?

[9:53] They had arms.

[9:54] They had legs.

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] They have a head.

[9:56] Is it like a sock?

[9:57] Is it a Mary?

[9:57] No, no.

[9:58] Is it like a shadow puppet?

[10:01] Is it those Japanese rod puppets where the guy's in all black and he's on stage with the puppet?

Dan McCoy

[10:06] What is that stuff that you use that's like on like shoes when you don't have laces?

[10:11] Velcro?

[10:11] Velcro.

[10:13] Yes.

[10:14] Well, that was a huge waste of our time.

[10:16] I wanted to say Ziploc for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] I knew that was not correct.

[10:22] Dan, why are you throwing away a million dollar idea?

[10:25] Ziploc shoes would keep feet fresher.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] They had like Velcro arms that would like go around his neck and like he would, you know.

[10:34] Oh, I see.

[10:36] Hello, Bible stuff.

[10:37] Hello.

[10:38] I'm here to tell you about Bible stuff.

[10:40] I'm a puppet.

[10:41] So it goes down easier.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] But were the puppets like, was it a puppet of Jesus?

[10:44] Like what?

[10:45] No, no.

[10:45] They were like.

[10:46] A puppet of like a cool kid.

[10:47] Animals.

[10:48] Oh, animals.

[10:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:49] Animules.

[10:50] Animaniacs.

[10:51] They were Animaniacs.

[10:52] Okay.

[10:52] So that's why he was sued.

[10:53] Animal Olympics.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] All right.

[10:54] Moving on.

[10:55] So anyway, Phil Phillips, he's a puppet PI.

[10:58] He was the first puppet cop in history, but he was kicked off the force.

[11:02] We don't know why yet.

[11:03] And he gets a client.

[11:04] And he just recently stopped a ring of puppet poachers by kicking them in the balls a lot.

[11:08] Now.

[11:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:09] Now he's our hero.

[11:10] And the actor is like the last person credited on the IMDb page, which is kind of weird.

[11:15] And I kind of resent the movie by designing the lead to look a lot like character actor Dick Miller, who is unfortunately no longer with us.

[11:26] R.I.P.

[11:28] But yeah.

[11:29] So that's our hero.

[11:30] I mean, this is his legacy.

[11:31] This is how he's going to live on in the form of a puppet.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Now, as with any movie or TV show where the story of an oppressed minority is told with a stand-in for a real ethnic or religious or what have you group, there's a lot of deeper implications to the metaphor that they don't really understand and kind of screw up.

[11:48] We will not be diving into those waters.

[11:51] Imagine it.

[11:52] Needless to say that.

[11:54] I mean, the shorthand is, would you like a minority to just be like, hey, you guys are all puppets.

[11:59] Get it?

[12:01] I mean, the stereotype is everyone's like, puppets just love singing and dancing.

[12:05] That's all they love to do.

[12:06] And I'm like, I am not comfortable with where this is going.

[12:09] So Phil Phillips, he has a client, Sandra White.

[12:12] She's a lady puppet, and she's being blackmailed because she's so damn sexy that she's having sex with everybody all the time.

[12:18] She makes it very clear to him, find the guy who's blackmailing me or woman, equal opportunity, whatever.

[12:22] Find the person or puppet who's blackmailing me, and I'm going to have sex with you.

Dan McCoy

[12:26] Yeah, well, she also had one of the clumsiest jokes in the movie where she's like...

Elliott Kalan

[12:30] Say, because there's a ton of clumsy jokes in this movie.

[12:33] You would have to say one of the least clumsy jokes, and I'd be like, which one?

[12:37] What a handful of not clumsy jokes are you going to tell me about?

[12:39] No, but she says, I'm an Ima.

Dan McCoy

[12:43] Oh, right.

[12:43] And she's like, what does that mean?

[12:44] It's like, Ima get next to it.

[12:46] Ima fuck it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] And I wasn't sure...

[12:49] Why would you...

[12:50] Who identifies...

[12:51] By a non-phrase.

[12:53] I was like, I've never heard of that before, so is that a thing in this movie?

[12:56] Is that a thing?

[12:57] Are there certain puppets that are just into doing it, and they're called Ima's?

[13:01] It's never brought up again.

[13:03] I guess she's just super cool.

[13:05] Anyway, a clue that we don't need to get into.

[13:07] It's a letter on the ransom note that's taken on the cover of a porn magazine called, what,

[13:10] Pussy Party or something like that?

[13:12] Probably, yeah.

[13:12] Puppet Pussy Party.

[13:13] The tagline on the magazine says, little kitties with big titties.

[13:18] I bookmarked it for later research.

[13:20] Anyway, that clue leads Phil to a sex toy store where a live show is going on where an octopus

[13:24] is milking a cow.

[13:26] And this is...

[13:27] And it's like...

[13:27] Again, the puppetry here is astounding.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:32] I mean, it also...

[13:32] It looks so good.

[13:34] For something that looks terrible in concept, it looks so good in execution.

Stuart Wellington

[13:39] And during the...

[13:40] Over the credits, instead of showing us bloops, they show us a bunch of footage of the puppeteers

[13:45] doing their magic.

[13:46] And it's like seven people making this work.

[13:48] If this movie was...

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] If they didn't release the movie, and they just released a behind-the-scenes making of

[13:54] the movie, I would say this is maybe the best movie ever made.

[13:56] Like, those little moments during the end credits when you see them actually doing the puppeteering,

[14:01] I'm like, I could watch this for hours.

Dan McCoy

[14:02] So much technical virtuosity went into the happy time murders.

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] So much more than in the movie virtuosity.

[14:08] In which we learned that computer programs can turn into real people that murder other people.

[14:13] I don't remember how the movie ends, but I know Russell Crowe...

[14:15] Is he his butt in it, I think, at one point?

Dan McCoy

[14:18] Anyway.

[14:19] He's a virtual man.

[14:21] That's all you need to know about that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] Dan, check Mr. Skin on your phone real quick.

[14:25] I can find out if you see a butt.

[14:27] He has it set up like Siri.

[14:28] You think I'm not going to do it.

[14:29] I'm going to...

[14:30] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] Is Russell...

[14:33] You don't have to narrate.

[14:34] I mean, no.

[14:36] But...

Elliott Kalan

[14:37] Okay.

[14:37] So, Phil, he's in this sex toy store, and he bumps into an embarrassed rabbit named Mr.

[14:42] Bumbly Pants, who is like, I'm not a porn addict.

[14:45] I got to get out of here.

[14:47] Phil-Phil goes in the back to look up some information or whatever, and a hooded figure

[14:51] with a shotgun comes in and kills everybody in the store, and they're all made of puppet

[14:54] fluff, so there's just fluff flying everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[14:56] So, the interesting thing, though, is that previously we had seen puppets squirting out all kinds

[15:00] of horrible stuff, but when you actually start blowing their heads off, it's just fluff.

[15:04] So, like, where does the fluid come from, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] Yeah, you're wondering where are the glands?

Dan McCoy

[15:08] Yeah.

[15:08] Where are the puppet glands?

[15:10] So, I've got MinAtoZNude.com.

[15:13] Russell Crowe shirtless butt scene in Virtuosity.

[15:16] Okay, thank you.

[15:16] Do you want to see it, Elliot?

[15:17] No, I've seen it.

[15:18] I watched the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] That's all I remembered from it.

[15:20] All right.

[15:21] It was his amazing butt.

[15:23] Sure.

[15:24] Throwing a phone at someone.

[15:25] It's like, say you will...

[15:25] Yeah, that's how amazing the butt is.

[15:27] It could pick up and throw a phone.

[15:29] Say what you will about his singing in Les Mis.

[15:32] He's got a great butt.

[15:35] Thank you.

[15:35] He's a man of many talents, acting, butt.

[15:39] He's got his own rock band.

[15:42] Anyway, so I guess what we're saying is, these puppets...

[15:45] Yeah, where's the fluid coming out of?

[15:46] I don't understand.

[15:47] Do puppets...

[15:48] I mean, it's never made really clear, like, are puppets made?

[15:50] Or do they give birth?

[15:52] Because there's a puppet family, we say later.

[15:54] Look, don't ask those questions.

[15:56] It's puppets.

[15:56] Like, forget about it.

[15:57] It's just a movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] Yeah, it's like the movie Cars.

[15:59] If you start thinking about it, it's madness.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] Well, yeah.

[16:02] Well, you have to assume that all the people died, and it's just the cars are left.

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:05] And the cars, they have no way of making new cars.

Stuart Wellington

[16:08] Yeah, it's like, Cars is basically like, that's a world where there was one turbo teen, and

[16:13] then he had sex with a person, and they had a child, and that child was a turbo teen, and

[16:17] they had a bunch of turbo teens, and then the entire world became turbo teens, and then

[16:21] they all got stuck in transformation mode.

[16:23] So they're all transformed turbo teens.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Yes, exactly.

[16:27] Yeah.

[16:28] It's just like, I mean, the dystopian Milo and Otis universe, where everyone was anamorphs, and

[16:34] basically the same thing happened.

[16:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[16:37] Okay, so I think we're about seven minutes into the movie.

[16:41] So Phil is kind of a witness, kind of not, to this murder of Bumbly Pants and everyone else

[16:45] in there.

[16:46] His old LAPD partner, Detective Edwards, Melissa McCarthy, first name I don't remember from the

[16:51] movie.

[16:51] Let's just say Edwards.

[16:52] Let's say Anthony.

[16:53] Let's say her name is Anthony Edwards.

[16:55] She's investigating.

[16:56] They don't like each other.

[16:57] They used to be partners, and now there's a lot of bad fluff between them.

[17:00] Not a joke they made in the movie, but they should have.

[17:03] Now, we learned Bumbly Pants used to be on a show called The Happy Time Gang, and this

[17:07] was the first show that was like puppet forward.

[17:10] There was only one human on it.

[17:11] It was like, this was like a groundbreaking show.

[17:13] It showed that puppets were entertaining, and it's like, what?

Dan McCoy

[17:16] Okay, I don't understand.

[17:17] Yeah, it's a bunch of puppets and Elizabeth Banks.

[17:19] Yes.

[17:20] The character's not named Elizabeth Banks, but, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[17:22] No, that'd be so meta.

[17:23] Yeah.

[17:24] No, her name is Jenny.

[17:25] Last name, I don't know.

[17:27] What the hell?

[17:27] So, Phil's brother was on the show as Officer Shenanigans, a puppet who got a human-style

[17:32] nose job, and Phil really doesn't like that.

[17:34] Phil's really like...

Stuart Wellington

[17:35] He also bleached his skin, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] Yeah, so it wouldn't be blue.

[17:38] He's a self-hating puppet.

[17:39] Yeah, yeah.

[17:39] He's a puppet who has assimilated in order to look more like a human.

[17:42] Again, they are swimming in waters that their feet cannot touch the ground in.

[17:47] A puppet is not supported by its feet anyway, so that's kind of okay, but there's a lot

[17:53] of...

[17:54] There's a lot of...

[17:55] I was waiting throughout the whole movie for the puppet power character with an afro who

[18:00] was like a revolutionary.

[18:01] Thankfully, that did not happen.

[18:03] But I was like, oh, okay, let's not take this metaphor any further.

[18:06] We learned that Phil got kicked off the force because he let a puppet perp get away, and

[18:11] everyone was like, oh, I get it.

[18:12] Puppets don't shoot puppets.

[18:14] Now a puppet can never be a cop, which is a crazy thing.

[18:17] Because as we see later on in Flashback, he did take a shot at the guy.

[18:21] So like, anyway.

[18:22] And he ended up killing another puppet while doing it.

[18:24] We'll get to that.

[18:24] Anyway.

[18:26] That night, Phil's brother is in a hot tub with a human woman.

[18:30] I think it's supposed to be shocking, but it's like, yeah, whatever.

[18:33] Anyway.

[18:33] I've seen all this stuff.

[18:34] I saw Meet the Feebles.

[18:35] Like, again, doesn't bother me.

[18:36] Like, the movie exists.

[18:38] And someone lets some dogs loose in the apartment, and they kill Phil's brother, ripping them

[18:43] apart to pieces.

Dan McCoy

[18:44] I have to admit, I laughed pretty hard at this.

[18:48] Because they're just like, fucking wild dogs get let loose, and they're drawing and quartering

[18:54] this puppet in the background while this woman is blending a tropical drink.

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] And they were like transportable dogs.

[19:00] They weren't like scary dogs.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] Yeah, they were little tiny dogs ripping apart a puppet that's like, ah, ah, ah.

[19:08] Imagine it.

[19:08] It's funny.

[19:09] Right, guys?

[19:09] Come on.

[19:12] Be on my side.

[19:13] You're in the pitch meeting for this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] So yeah, Dan, now I imagine you in the pitch meeting.

[19:18] You're acting like, get this.

[19:19] And the dogs are ripping apart.

[19:20] And he's like, ah.

Dan McCoy

[19:20] Dogs murder someone.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] Hilarious, right?

[19:25] Phillips and Edwards, there's nothing left to do.

[19:26] They've got to team up to solve the mystery of who's knocking off members of the Happy

[19:29] Time Gang.

Stuart Wellington

[19:30] Well, this is followed by a scene where Melissa McCarthy comes to the scene of the crime, and Phillips

[19:35] shows up.

[19:35] He finds his dead brother.

[19:36] And Edward says something that's kind of disrespectful, like some, I guess, is it racial slur in this

[19:43] situation?

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] There's a lot of puppet racial slurs in this, which are, it's one of those things where it's

[19:47] like, they have so many puppet racial slurs.

[19:50] People must hate puppets so bad.

[19:52] And it's like, I don't remember what they are, if it's like belt job or something like

[19:55] that.

[19:55] So what ends up happening?

[19:57] She should have called him like a Pinocchio, and he should have been like, what?

[20:00] So they end up getting in a fight and falling in a fight.

[20:02] They didn't do that.

[20:03] Again, I'm like punching up the movie.

[20:05] Like nobody asked me to do this.

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] They end up getting in a fight.

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] Which is different from our normal thing, which is punching down to the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:11] Yeah, high five.

[20:13] So they end up getting in a fight and falling in the hot tub.

[20:17] And what happens every time when I see somebody fall in a hot tub is I immediately think,

[20:22] oh no, what happened to their phone?

[20:26] Like that would be such a pain in the ass.

Dan McCoy

[20:30] That's the scene of her putting it in rice.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Or like going to a store and having to buy a new one.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] You got to imagine it's a puppet cell phone.

[20:38] So it's like, call this person.

S8

[20:40] Oh, I'm not feeling so good.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] And it squeaks when you hit the buttons.

[20:45] Oh, maybe that's just it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] But no, the movie does not care for the cell phone.

[20:49] Instead, she and them get in a fight, which she resolves by biting him in the dick, right?

[20:54] Mm-hmm.

[20:55] You have that.

[20:56] Correct, sir.

[20:56] And I had to imagine Melissa McCarthy being like, I'm sure this is not the year I got nominated for an Academy Award.

[21:03] The year I'm in a scene where I bite a puppet in the dick in a hot tub.

[21:07] But then lo and behold, that's what happened.

[21:09] Just not for this movie.

[21:11] Life's funny sometimes, Elliot.

[21:14] Oh, hey, it's one of Dan's old characters.

Dan McCoy

[21:16] Let me tell you a story.

[21:18] Sometimes the year that you do the best work is the year you bite a puppet in the dick.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] Dan, do you have any other examples of someone who did a really bad movie the same year they were nominated for an Academy Award for a different movie?

[21:29] Eddie Murphy?

[21:29] No.

[21:30] Hint.

[21:30] Eddie Murphy.

[21:31] It's someone you already do an impression of.

[21:34] Michael Caine.

[21:34] Yes.

[21:35] Okay.

[21:36] Now, what was that like?

[21:38] Or do your Eddie Murphy impression, Dan?

[21:40] That's not problematic.

[21:41] No.

[21:42] No.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] Go ahead.

[21:44] I'll just go to the other side of the stage.

Elliott Kalan

[21:48] Let me give you a lot of leeway for this Eddie Murphy impression.

Stuart Wellington

[21:51] You had a ton of courage backstage when it was just us.

[21:54] No.

[21:55] It happened.

Dan McCoy

[21:58] You see, Elliot, when I was making Jaws the Revenge, I was not caring about whether it was a good movie or a bad movie.

[22:04] I was caring about the palatial estate it would buy me.

[22:08] That's it.

[22:09] That's all it is, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] You know, Michael, I couldn't help but hearing you from backstage.

[22:18] You know, it's me, Sly Stallone.

[22:23] I've never been nominated for an Oscar.

[22:25] No, wait.

[22:25] Yes, I did.

[22:27] I won one for Best Screenplay.

[22:29] Thank you for reminding me.

Dan McCoy

[22:33] I really thought that even as an actor, you should have been nominated for Copland.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] I thought so, too.

[22:40] Copland was kind of my big swing at the brass ring.

[22:45] But it turns out you don't swing at a brass ring.

[22:47] You grab at it.

[22:49] So I just knocked the brass ring far away from the carousel, and I couldn't even reach it.

[22:53] Now, Sylvester, I've never seen...

[22:58] Call me Sly, because I'm somewhat cunning like a fox.

[23:02] Like a slylock fox, if you will.

[23:05] The greatest of all detectives.

Dan McCoy

[23:07] Yes, with his friend Max Mouse.

[23:09] I'm well aware of the adventures of Slylock Fox.

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] Now, I always wondered...

[23:14] I always wondered, Michael.

[23:16] If I can call you Michael, I'll call you Mr. Kane.

[23:18] I'm very respectable that way.

[23:20] I respect you.

[23:21] Michael, why didn't you ever play Slylock Fox in the movies?

[23:25] Well...

[23:26] Or TV.

[23:27] You know, TV is where a lot of people make movies are going these days.

[23:30] When I made my...

[23:31] They say it's the new novel.

[23:36] I say Stuart has left the stage rather than join as his own crazy character.

[23:43] Well...

Dan McCoy

[23:43] Now, would I made my hit film without a clue?

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] Well...

[23:48] That's a wide definition of hit film.

[23:52] But what do I know?

[23:53] I was only in two of the top three grossing movies of 1985.

[23:59] When I made my hit film without a clue.

[24:02] For those listening at home, Stuart has returned with a banana.

[24:09] And he's just going to eat it.

[24:10] Which is fine.

[24:11] More time for me, Sly Stallone, to talk to one of the true treasures of the acting field.

[24:18] Sir Michael Kane.

[24:20] Should I have been calling you Sir Michael all this time?

Dan McCoy

[24:24] Sly.

[24:25] You can call me whatever you want.

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] Okay.

[24:28] So I'm here with my friend Derek.

[24:32] Derek and I are going to talk about some of his great movies.

Dan McCoy

[24:35] I walked right into that one.

[24:37] And my...

[24:37] My accent is getting worse and worse the longer I talk.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] And yet, the longer I talk, the better mine gets.

[24:47] It's almost like I've got to warm up my character.

[24:51] So anyway, we were talking about Happy Time Murders.

[24:55] Now, I've never worked with a puppet, but I did kill one once.

[25:00] But I suppose that's a story best left for another day.

[25:05] For Channel 7 Eyewitness News, I'm Sylvester Stallone.

[25:13] Hey guys, I'm back.

[25:14] Good night, everyone.

[25:15] Guys, I'm back.

[25:15] What's going on?

[25:16] Stuart asked me to run to the grocery store and get him a banana.

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] So we have two dead puppets.

Elliott Kalan

[25:24] Yeah, and they find out that the show, Happy Time Gang, it's about to go into syndication.

[25:29] These puppets were screwed out of the original profits by a frankly very puppet racist network

[25:34] exec or show development guy, the producer, I don't know.

[25:37] Yeah, like an agent.

[25:38] Yeah, Phil Phillips throws a billiard ball at him and knocks him out.

[25:41] And he goes, that's the first time I ever knocked someone out with their own balls or

[25:44] something like that.

[25:44] We never see him again.

[25:45] I assume he's dead.

[25:46] Okay.

[25:47] But the show's about to go into syndication and the deal is going to be split up among

[25:51] the living members of the cast.

[25:53] Oh, like a tontine?

[25:55] Exactly like a tontine.

[25:56] It's like some sort of marionette tontine, except they're not marionettes.

[26:00] Again, they're like hand puppets.

Dan McCoy

[26:01] I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

Stuart Wellington

[26:06] That's a common mistake, Dan.

[26:08] They're spelled completely differently.

Dan McCoy

[26:12] Go on, Ellie.

[26:13] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[26:15] Proceed.

[26:16] But that's really funny that you confused them.

[26:19] Because one's a monster thing and the other's like a pact.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] Like a kind of contract, yeah.

[26:25] If you had to sign a tontine, no one would ever make contracts.

[26:30] And a whole school of law would fall apart.

[26:35] Because they do smell bad on the outside.

[26:40] For Channel 7 Eyewitness News, I'm Han Solo or whatever.

[26:47] Anyway, so they figure one of the members of the Happy Time gang is bumping off the other

[26:52] members.

[26:52] They go to another former member's gang HQ.

[26:55] He's a gang leader now.

[26:57] And Edwards has to prove she's not a flesh bot.

[27:01] But instead that she's got a puppet liver by doing a puppet drug called like Sparkle Dust

[27:05] or something or Glitter Fang.

[27:06] Yeah, it's just a fucking bunch of purple glitter.

[27:08] And she does it and she gets high on that.

[27:11] And this is the first time where it's like, oh, this character is supposed to be on like

[27:14] rock bottom and has a drug problem.

[27:16] But we didn't know that until now.

[27:17] But it kind of pops in every now and then.

[27:20] I just want to say.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] Everybody in this movie talks to Melissa McCarthy and treats her like she's, in the words of

[27:26] the characters, like a man in a pantsuit.

[27:29] They keep making fun of her appearance.

[27:32] And yet she looks very nice.

[27:34] She looks great.

[27:34] Nothing about her appearance indicates that she's anything other than a professional person.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] And again, this is the year that she was in a movie about someone who has hit rock bottom

[27:42] and has a serious drinking problem and also a serious everything problem.

[27:47] And she's so good in it.

[27:48] And I wish that she could have sat down everyone involved in the Happy Timers and showed them

[27:51] that movie and be like, look, I can do this kind of character.

[27:55] Like, you've got to give me the material to do it.

[27:57] You can't just fill my refrigerator in the apartment with maple syrup and say I'm a sugar addict.

[28:02] And that's all you're going to do.

Stuart Wellington

[28:04] But the scenes where she's like doing puppet drug sugar are the most, like it seems she's

[28:10] having the most fun.

[28:10] Like she freaks out, tells jokes.

[28:13] Like she's a talented improv actor.

[28:15] She's great.

[28:15] And she's a classic raconteur.

[28:17] Telling tales of bridesmaids.

Dan McCoy

[28:18] She's great on the old Dick Cavett show.

[28:22] But this also brings up a weird thing about puppets.

[28:26] She has a puppet liver.

[28:28] Now we've seen several puppets' heads being blown off by this point or ripped apart.

[28:32] They have nothing but fluff inside them.

[28:34] And suddenly we are to believe that they have puppet organs.

[28:39] Explain, Elliot.

[28:41] Well, it's a movie.

[28:43] Is it?

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] Is it?

[28:46] It's a movie.

[28:47] They're puppets.

[28:47] It's kind of a joke.

[28:49] Okay.

[28:50] But here's the thing.

[28:51] A lot of people don't know this about puppets.

[28:53] But especially the Jim Henson puppets, they're like, we need these to feel like real characters.

[28:57] We can't put a brain in their head.

[28:58] That's where the hand goes.

[28:59] Spoiler alert.

[29:00] The reason Kermit's head moves around like that is because there's a man's hand inside

[29:05] of it.

[29:06] But the rest of the body, to make it feel real, we're going to put real organs in there.

[29:10] No one's ever going to see them.

[29:12] This is just for us, the puppeteers, to know that they're in there so that like if it

[29:17] calls for Cookie Monster to eat a cookie, I know that in theory there's a felt stomach,

[29:22] there's a felt intestine, a felt anus for him to expel the waste of that cookie.

[29:27] It looks like he's just dropping the crumbs in front of him as a kind of misdirection.

[29:32] But no, it's all working parts.

Dan McCoy

[29:34] I could feel the temperature of the audience dropping.

[29:38] And it felt an anus.

[29:40] It reached its nadir.

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] I'm not saying they have to feel his anus.

[29:43] It's a different word.

[29:44] Okay, here's the thing.

[29:45] If you don't want to think about Cookie Monster's anus, maybe Habitai Murders is not the movie

[29:48] for you.

[29:50] So she has a puppet liver.

[29:51] She beats up a whole room full of puppets for being misogynists.

[29:54] This is supposed to be super tough, but again, they're puppets.

[29:57] She is a human being with muscles and bones.

[30:01] But the whole thing ends with another happy time member dead, shot from the window of a

[30:05] car in what's made to look like a drive-by shooting, except it's just in an alleyway.

[30:10] It's not really.

[30:10] It's just like even a drive-by shooting is an assassination of a type.

Dan McCoy

[30:13] So it's like they didn't really cover up that crime so well.

[30:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] Phil takes this opportunity.

[30:18] He's on the run, kind of.

[30:20] He's like, oh no, he's on the run.

[30:21] They split up.

[30:22] Edwards is going to go to the beach to look for another happy time murder.

[30:25] Phil's going to go to his office to check up on what business he's been missing out

[30:28] on during this time.

[30:29] Because even though his brother is dead, he's got to catch up on his voicemails, I guess.

[30:33] I haven't mentioned up to this point.

[30:34] She'll come in more important later, but we've seen her up until this time, that he has

[30:37] a secretary named Bubbles, played by Maya Rudolph, who seems to think she's in a movie

[30:41] that's like parodying a 40s detective type thing and not like a 70s detective type thing.

[30:47] She does great, but she's great in it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:48] This script is written by James Elroy, right?

[30:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:52] Well, this is an adaptation of My Dark Places.

[30:55] The story of how he investigated his own mother's murder.

Dan McCoy

[30:58] Things got very changed from page to screen.

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] The weird thing is that when they brought James Elroy in, they're like, we want to do My Dark Places.

[31:04] And he goes, yeah, but I want to do it with puppets, man.

[31:07] And they're like, James Elroy, you are fucked up.

[31:09] Let's do it.

[31:10] Let's freak some minds.

[31:12] Let's do this thing.

[31:14] Or they could have done LA Confidential 2, like more confidential.

[31:18] And this time it's set in the TMZ world.

[31:20] Dan, how would that movie go?

[31:22] It's basically Nightcrawler.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] I guess, yeah.

[31:24] Okay, good point.

[31:24] I don't know, but if you want to see another embarrassing video of me, as people here at

[31:29] the Bell House saw, Google me and TMZ, because I was on that for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] Oh, that was really funny.

[31:35] Yeah, they stopped you at the airport as you were trying to get on a plane.

[31:37] Yeah.

[31:38] And they were like, let me act it out for you.

[31:40] Okay, so.

[31:40] Okay.

[31:42] Dan is carrying an Emmy.

[31:44] It's the only time I've ever seen anyone on TV carrying an award they just won.

[31:47] And I'm like, oh, that poor guy.

[31:49] He's carrying an Emmy.

[31:50] And they're like, that looks dangerous.

[31:52] Do you think you should be able to put it on planes?

[31:53] And he's like, I don't know.

[31:56] Yeah.

[31:57] This aired on television.

Dan McCoy

[31:59] And if you, very slow day for TMZ.

[32:02] But also, if you want to see someone whose eyes constantly look like they're on the verge

[32:06] of popping out of their head, look at me on TMZ, because I'm like, why is this happening

[32:11] to me?

[32:11] What's going on?

[32:12] Should I be talking to TMZ?

Stuart Wellington

[32:13] You're on Mars and they cut the oxygen.

[32:15] Yeah, that's right.

[32:16] Oh, oh, oh.

Dan McCoy

[32:17] And then they put the oxygen back in and my eyes just go back to normal for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[32:21] Yeah, that's how it works.

[32:22] Yeah, I'm the ultimate healer.

[32:23] I'm not Dr. Oxygen.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] So he goes back.

[32:30] He finds that Sandra White is being blackmailed still.

[32:33] And she's been sent a photo of her with her lover, Jenny.

[32:35] It turns out this is Elizabeth Banks from the Happy Time Gang, Phil's ex-lover.

[32:39] Oh, no.

[32:40] This, of course, leads to Phil and Sandra having sex.

[32:43] The scene everyone knew they were going to see when they saw the movie, a puppet sex scene.

[32:47] Surprisingly tame.

[32:48] Like, there's a lot of screaming.

[32:49] But compared to, like, the Team America puppet sex scene?

Dan McCoy

[32:50] Yeah, there's no puppet nudity, which I kind of was expecting.

[32:53] Which Dan mentioned angrily throughout the movie.

[32:57] It was, yeah.

[32:58] Look.

[32:58] If you're looking.

[32:59] At least in Howard the Duck you see puppet duck tits.

[33:03] If.

[33:03] I don't want to see these.

[33:05] I'm being ironic.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] If you go on IMDb, Happy Time Murders, and you're worried why there's a one-star review

[33:11] from someone whose on-screen name is Love Wife's Butts that says, no puppet nudity?

[33:18] Give me my money back.

[33:20] That's Dan.

[33:21] Thanks, Tali.

[33:22] So, I didn't mean to out you and your IMDb profile guy.

[33:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:29] I have nothing to say.

[33:30] Move on.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] Okay.

[33:30] So, and of course, there's some police officers in the waiting room, including Joel McHale

[33:35] as an FBI agent who has almost nothing to do in the movie.

[33:38] And they overhear the sex and a witness has filled jizzes silly string all over the room

[33:45] for what feels like 35 straight minutes.

[33:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:49] I was not actually shocked by the idea that a puppet movie was showing someone jizzing.

[33:55] I was shocked by...

[33:56] Finish that sentence.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] I want to know how that sentence ends.

Dan McCoy

[34:01] I was shocked by the amount of jizz this puppet apparently has.

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] A puppet, as we've mentioned, which seems to have no internal organs.

Dan McCoy

[34:10] This puppet covers the room in jizz.

[34:14] Yeah.

[34:15] Every inch.

[34:17] And I'm a human man.

[34:19] I don't want to get into too many details.

[34:22] But there's a limited...

[34:23] No, no, no, Dan.

[34:24] Give us like a cubic gallon estimate.

[34:28] Your average man has a, I would say, a limited amount of semen.

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] Incorrect.

[34:34] I would say your average man has an unlimited amount of semen.

[34:37] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[34:37] Oh, well.

[34:38] All right.

[34:38] No, no, no.

[34:39] Hold on.

[34:39] All right.

[34:40] Over time, you are correct, sir.

[34:42] Over time, there is a very large amount of semen.

[34:45] See, Dan?

[34:46] You're saying that semen is a long game.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] Semen production is a long game.

[34:49] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] Let's call it each individual serving size of semen.

[34:53] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] I don't like that at all.

[34:55] It is not...

[34:56] Not a term I care for.

[34:57] Okay.

[34:58] Damn.

[34:59] Stuart, you have something to say.

[35:00] Yeah, Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[35:00] I was just trying to calmly explain that my testicles are connected to the elemental plane

[35:06] of semen.

[35:06] I'm trying to say that my testicles are connected to the elemental plane.

Stuart Wellington

[35:12] I'm trying to call it.

[35:15] There's a lot of jizz is what we're trying to say.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] There's a lot.

[35:18] That's the joke.

[35:19] The joke is there's a lot of jizz.

[35:23] Joel McHale, FBI agent, is there.

[35:26] Phil runs away before they can arrest him because he is in trouble.

[35:29] He goes to see Jenny, Elizabeth Banks.

[35:31] She's stripping for puppets these days.

[35:32] There is a very long joke where she is stripping for some rabbit puppets and they're all doing

[35:37] it.

[35:37] They're like, we're not in the cabbage patch now, boys.

[35:39] Every fucking rabbit joke.

[35:41] Hey, you want my carrot?

[35:42] They hand her a real carrot and she bites it and they're like, ah!

[35:44] It goes on forever.

[35:47] It's like, okay guys, we got it.

[35:51] I feel like so much of this movie is me watching going like, I got it.

[35:55] Okay, move along please.

[35:56] I get it.

[35:58] She and Phil seem to still have feelings for each other.

[36:00] She says, okay, I'm going to go get a motel room so I'm safe.

[36:03] I'll call you when I get there.

[36:04] Gets in her car.

[36:05] Of course the car is going to blow up.

[36:07] That's what happens in these movies.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] I would like to say I called both the car blowing up and number two, spoiler alert, her not

[36:14] being dead.

[36:16] Okay, great.

[36:17] Sherlock Holmes.

[36:18] Great.

[36:19] You're the great puppet detective.

[36:21] Yeah, we got your oversized check backstage.

[36:24] I want my happy time murder medal that you promised me, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] I'll give you your medal for outwitting the happy time murders.

[36:35] I'm smarter than you.

[36:37] By the numbers puppet detective story.

[36:40] You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Dan McCoy, a.k.a. Mr. Puppet Detective.

[36:50] Well, well, well.

[36:54] Happy time murders.

[36:55] Seems you bit off more than you can chew in trying to fool Dan McCoy.

[36:59] It's okay.

[37:01] Many have made the same mistake.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] But few have lived to regret it.

[37:06] Elliot, I need these small victories.

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] It is a very small victory.

Stuart Wellington

[37:12] It's why you like watching network procedural dramas because they're designed so that the

[37:19] audience is supposed to figure them out right before the characters figure them out.

[37:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:24] So that's why.

[37:24] I'm like, I could be Nathan Fillion.

Stuart Wellington

[37:28] What's stopping me?

[37:29] I mean, I think you could.

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] Thanks.

[37:31] Maybe I'm blind spot.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] Okay.

[37:34] So meanwhile, Edwards goes to a sugar shack, which she does not go to the Montreal sugar

[37:39] shack tradition, which is a great place to go if you want to eat tons of food and feel

[37:43] gross afterwards, but it's wonderful.

[37:44] She goes to a, it's basically a crack house, but for puppets.

[37:47] Anyway, there's another puppet named Goofer who was a happy time member and is now a sugar

[37:52] addict.

[37:52] And here's the thing that a real life story that I'm going to drop on you, which is when

[37:56] looking up this movie on Amazon, so I could rent it from Amazon Prime, seeing how many

[38:00] happy time character t-shirts were produced and still on sale at Amazon.

[38:04] And I was like, they really thought people were going to fall in love with these characters.

[38:08] They thought someone was going to walk around with a goofer shirt on.

[38:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:11] Now, this character offers to suck Melissa McCarthy's dick.

[38:16] And that was at this point in the movie.

[38:17] Very reasonable rates.

[38:18] I think a quarter.

[38:19] Very reasonable rates.

Stuart Wellington

[38:20] Was that featured on the t-shirt?

[38:23] I mean, might have been.

[38:25] It's not like I took notes on the shirts.

[38:26] There's like a little menu on the back listing as rates.

Dan McCoy

[38:28] But this is the point when I turned to Stuart at All Assembled and I was like, is there

[38:34] anyone on the happy time gang who did not end up at rock bottom?

[38:40] Because this is very strange.

[38:41] Like, everyone is like a drug addict.

[38:43] Phil's brother seems to be doing great.

[38:45] Yes.

[38:45] Just him.

[38:46] Okay.

[38:46] But he was the producer.

[38:48] Like, one of these actors should have ended up on another show.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Dan, correct me if I'm wrong.

[38:52] I'm no psychologist.

[38:54] But I'm going to diagnose you as having been mind freaked.

[38:58] Explain.

[38:59] Well, you seem really perturbed about what happened.

[39:03] You seem to be really having trouble wrapping your mind around this issue.

[39:06] If that's not a freaking, I don't know what is.

Dan McCoy

[39:08] One of these puppets who is on a popular television show should have found other work rather than being in a crack house.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] Exhibit A, different strokes.

[39:18] Case closed.

[39:19] Moving on.

[39:20] Okay.

[39:21] Throw the book at them.

[39:23] And it's been made clear in the movie that none of them got the money from it.

[39:26] This is a searing indictment of how few quality puppet roles there are in Hollywood.

[39:30] There are two kinds of people who can't make it into Hollywood.

[39:32] Women of a certain age, which is over 20, I guess.

[39:34] And puppets.

[39:36] Now, if you're a puppet woman over 20, I'm sorry.

[39:39] It's going to be very difficult unless you're Dame Helen Muppet, who is the puppet version of Helen Mirren.

Dan McCoy

[39:44] Now, Elliot, I thought you were dangerously close to falling into the same trap as the Happytime Murders,

[39:49] equating repressed people with puppets.

[39:53] But Dame Helen Muppet, I have to give it to you.

[39:56] Okay, thank you.

[39:56] Brought it back for me.

Elliott Kalan

[39:58] Well, I'm looking forward to my punny award that I win this year.

[40:02] It's like barely a pun.

[40:03] Not even anything.

[40:04] Okay, anyway, so.

[40:06] And I realize, guys, I don't think it's right that women of a certain age have trouble finding roles.

[40:10] Come on.

[40:11] I'm a reflection of society.

[40:14] Okay, don't blame me.

[40:15] Blame Dan.

[40:17] That's why I'm here.

[40:18] Okay, so.

[40:20] That puppet turns up dead later, too.

[40:22] They're all getting dead.

[40:23] Okay.

[40:24] And we finally see Phil has a bad dream.

[40:26] He remembers the shooting where a big puppet was threatening Melissa McCarthy.

[40:29] And she's like, they're partners.

[40:30] They love each other.

[40:31] They're great partners.

[40:32] And she's like, take the shot.

[40:33] Take the shot.

[40:34] And he chokes.

[40:35] And he fires and misses.

[40:36] And the bullet ricochets off a column and kills a random other puppet who's hanging out on the street with his daughter.

[40:42] And she's like, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] This is a pretty dark backstory for Happy Time Murders.

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] I mean, the movie has murders in the title.

[40:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] Cop kills an innocent civilian.

[40:53] I mean, it's not funny.

Elliott Kalan

[40:54] No, it's not.

[40:55] I'm just saying.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] I mean, not much of this movie is that funny.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] It's a fair point.

[41:00] Okay, anyway, Edwards, meanwhile, also feels like an outcast because she has a puppet liver and she's addicted to sugar now.

[41:06] She exists in between worlds.

[41:08] She's not fully human, not fully puppet.

[41:10] What is she?

[41:10] She says, reminding us all of the much better song from The Muppets, which covered the same territory.

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] And they at some point addressed that this flashback happened 20 years ago.

[41:22] And if nobody said that.

[41:23] Was it that long ago?

[41:23] Yeah.

[41:24] If nobody had said that, it would not have seemed any different than yesterday.

[41:27] No.

[41:28] No one has aged at all except, spoiler alert, one very specific character.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[41:34] It had to have been a certain number.

[41:35] That's right.

[41:37] So they feel like an outcast.

[41:37] Phillips, finally, as they're driving out to go to the last members of the Happy Time cast, who are like inbred religious barbecue owners.

[41:46] It's weird.

[41:46] Yes.

[41:47] Phillips apologizes for missing the shot.

[41:50] And they kind of make up.

[41:51] And I'm like, well, who is that easy?

[41:53] And like, how did they not do this years ago?

Stuart Wellington

[41:55] I don't understand.

[41:56] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[41:56] Sometime within the 20 years I just mentioned.

[41:59] Yeah.

[41:59] Long story short, they go to that barbecue restaurant.

[42:02] The people there are dead already.

[42:03] They're not suspects.

[42:04] We do see their inbred puppet children yelling at a mirror.

[42:07] And we're like, okay, weird.

[42:10] The killer is still there.

[42:12] And Phil starts chasing them but ends up, uh-oh, arrested by the FBI.

[42:15] It turns out, uh, it turns out Sandra White, the puppet woman who was blackmailing him and had sex with him, or saying she was blackmailed, is married to Jenny, Elizabeth Banks, and has blamed Phil for the murders and shows us her vagina basic instinct style.

[42:29] Dan, explain.

Dan McCoy

[42:31] Uh, there's nothing much to explain except for her pubes are purple.

[42:37] Which I mention, not because I am pervizoid number one, but because it is the key clue to this film.

[42:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] It's the key piece of evidence.

[42:48] It makes you wonder, why did she do that?

[42:50] Because she could have easily not let that clue slip by wearing underpants, not uncrossing her legs at that moment.

[42:57] I honestly, it's one of the things where she's like, this would be such a great moment for me to parody basic instinct.

[43:01] I know it's going to undo my entire plan because it gives them the piece of information about me that they need.

[43:06] But I just, I just can't help but be a parodying person.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] Well, that's the thing about being a criminal who also loves movies.

[43:11] Yeah, yeah.

[43:12] Is that, is the obsession to like show off how smart you are and also reference a movie.

[43:18] So like show off, like let them, give them a clue just so you can like give them breadcrumbs.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] It's a real Batman villain type thing where it's like, hmm, follow my clues, Batman.

[43:28] It's like, why drop the clues?

[43:30] You're doing it with a lot of intention.

[43:31] So just don't drop the clues, get away with it.

[43:34] Or like, if you're Two-Face, maybe do something that doesn't involve the number two.

[43:38] Yeah.

[43:39] Hey, they won't know it's you.

Dan McCoy

[43:41] Hey.

[43:41] Stop being the character you are.

[43:43] Hey, Riddler, you don't have to leave a riddle that leads people to the scene of the crime.

[43:49] You just not do that.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] Are you guys, are you guys auditioning for like an Arkham Asylum therapist job?

[43:54] I guess so.

[43:55] Riddler.

[43:56] What therapists that help criminals be better criminals, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] Calendar man.

[44:02] I know you love calendars.

[44:04] Maybe just commit crimes and collect calendars.

[44:08] Clock King.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] What's with all the clocks?

[44:11] Is he a Batman villain?

[44:11] I don't even know.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] Yes, he is.

[44:12] I would turn to him and go, Clock King, same basic advice I gave to calendar man.

[44:17] Kite man, same basic advice, but with kites instead of calendars and clocks.

[44:21] Joker.

[44:22] Really?

Dan McCoy

[44:23] Let's just do a blanket one here.

[44:25] As long as we're doing group therapy.

[44:27] Anyone with a theme.

[44:29] Maybe not.

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] Maybe just don't give in to that theme.

[44:32] And Killer Croc is like, what about me?

[44:34] I can't make that choice.

[44:35] You're right, Killer Croc.

[44:36] I gotta understand.

[44:37] Killer Croc.

[44:38] Killer Croc is a different character.

[44:41] Drop the clock theme.

[44:43] That's me having to check my privilege.

[44:45] You're right.

[44:45] It's easy for me to commit any crime I want.

[44:47] I'm not a crocodile man.

[44:49] But you are, and that's your burden to carry.

[44:52] And I apologize.

[44:52] And Killer Croc's like, well, I appreciate that you said that.

[44:55] Yeah, he's a good therapist.

[44:56] Yeah, yeah.

[44:57] Well, I don't know about a good therapist.

[45:00] Fire Bug.

[45:02] Maybe just don't light fires.

[45:03] Yeah, because a good therapist just tells people what to do.

Dan McCoy

[45:07] That's what I want out of my fucking therapist.

[45:10] That's what my therapist never would do.

[45:13] They just ask you questions?

[45:14] Yeah, he just wanted me to fucking talk.

[45:16] What good is that?

[45:17] I mean.

[45:17] Yeah, you're like, listen to the podcast, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] At least so many of you hired a therapist,

[45:23] and you just sent him the link to the website,

[45:25] and you're like, listen to this,

[45:26] then tell me what I should do.

[45:27] Tell me what my fucking problem is, dude.

[45:28] And he's like, I'm going to have to bill you for over 300 hours of therapy.

[45:33] And you're like, ooh-hoo.

Dan McCoy

[45:36] I'm going to have to bill you for 300 hours of free entertainment,

[45:40] so I guess we're even.

[45:42] Therapist checkmate.

Elliott Kalan

[45:44] Dan, I think you shouldn't hire a therapist

[45:46] based on the people you play chess with in the park.

[45:51] I guess what I'm saying is Batman villains just kind of like give it a rest.

[45:55] Anyway, so Phil is arrested by the FBI.

[46:00] Edwards blows up at Joel McHale and tries to fight him,

[46:03] and she gets suspended.

[46:04] Bubbles, Philip's secretary, Maya Rudolph,

[46:06] she's so enamored of him,

[46:08] she's going to help Edwards go to Sandra's apartment,

[46:11] because Bubbles has been following Sandra,

[46:12] and find, basically, when they unlock a door,

[46:15] a secret happy time murder evidence dungeon.

[46:17] It's all there.

[46:18] The whole thing is there.

[46:20] All the clues.

[46:21] It's all they need.

[46:22] But then they trip a trap,

[46:24] and it all burns down,

[46:25] which is the weirdest mind freak of the whole thing,

[46:28] that Sandra's like,

[46:29] I've got to make them know I got away with it.

[46:31] So I'm going to show them all the evidence,

[46:34] and then have it burn in front of them,

[46:35] so they sound, I guess, like crazy people?

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] Yeah, she's gaslighting them for their inheritance.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] I guess so.

[46:42] But we learn,

[46:44] this is why it's important she has purple hair down there,

[46:46] is because the daughter of the man that he accidentally killed years ago

[46:50] had purple hair up there.

[46:52] That's right, guys.

[46:53] She's the grown daughter of the man Phil accidentally killed

[46:57] when he didn't kill that bad guy puppet.

[46:59] Oh, no.

[47:01] So here's the question at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] Wait, he had sex with her?

Elliott Kalan

[47:03] Yes.

[47:04] That's the grossest part,

[47:06] is that she like,

[47:08] there was no,

[47:09] and as the movie goes on,

[47:09] you're like,

[47:10] why did she have sex with him again?

[47:12] Like, there's no reason.

[47:13] I mean, maybe she was trying to keep...

Dan McCoy

[47:14] It was to cement the idea

[47:17] that they were having an affair

[47:18] to frame him,

[47:19] I believe.

[47:21] I asked the same question.

[47:22] Okay.

[47:23] And this was the answer I was given.

[47:24] Why did they have all that jizz, Dan?

[47:28] The jizz was extra.

[47:29] Like guacamole.

[47:31] It was extra.

[47:34] I don't know why that upset people so much.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] To be honest, Dan,

[47:38] I don't know why either.

[47:39] I know what I'll be talking to my therapist about.

[47:42] Why was that the most upsetting moment of the night?

[47:44] Okay, so,

[47:45] basically,

[47:46] Edwards is like,

[47:46] we gotta save Phillips.

[47:47] She goes in,

[47:48] she shoots Phillips,

[47:49] and she's allowed to meet with Phillips

[47:50] in an interrogation room,

[47:51] the two of them,

[47:52] which is not how guests

[47:53] are usually allowed to talk to prisoners

[47:54] with no supervision,

[47:56] just in a room together,

[47:57] and she shoots him

[47:57] so they can escape in an ambulance.

[47:59] Phillips confronts Sandra

[48:00] as if she's about to get on a plane

[48:02] to fly to...

[48:03] Puppavania?

[48:04] Somewhere where puppets are free.

Dan McCoy

[48:05] We gotta make a clue.

[48:06] Before this,

[48:07] he is handcuffed Melissa McCarthy

[48:10] to the steering wheel of the car

[48:12] because he wants to protect her.

[48:14] Moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] Okay, fair, good.

[48:16] Okay, great.

[48:17] Oh, thank God you told me that.

[48:18] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:20] And she says,

[48:21] hey, I like killing, it turns out,

[48:23] so thank you,

[48:23] and now I have all this money.

[48:24] And she got all the

[48:25] Happy Time syndication money.

[48:27] Why is that?

[48:28] Because Jenny's alive,

[48:29] and she's still with her.

[48:30] So I guess they are married?

[48:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[48:33] It wasn't all a lie.

Elliott Kalan

[48:34] I guess,

[48:35] it's very weird

[48:36] that that's the one thing in it

[48:37] that's like true,

[48:38] but I don't know.

[48:39] Anyway,

[48:40] but she also,

[48:41] then Sandra betrays Jenny

[48:43] for reasons I don't remember

[48:44] because at that point

[48:45] I was really losing interest

[48:46] in what was going on.

[48:47] Yeah.

[48:47] Does she shoot her

[48:48] or just trip her?

[48:49] She smacks her,

[48:50] yeah, with some luggage.

[48:52] Okay, so why does she do that?

[48:53] When she's about to escape?

Dan McCoy

[48:55] Because Elizabeth Banks

[48:56] is like soft on her old boyfriend,

[48:59] so she's like,

[49:00] well, we don't have to shoot him.

[49:01] And she's got a taste for killing.

[49:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] Okay, fair point.

[49:04] It's an airtight movie.

[49:05] Never mind.

[49:08] And Phil gets taken away

[49:10] by Sandra's goons,

[49:11] which exist

[49:11] and were never introduced

[49:12] in the movie before,

[49:13] but she has a team of henchmen,

[49:14] I guess.

[49:16] And they're about to throw Phil

[49:17] into a jet turbine of a plane,

[49:18] effectively taking that plane

[49:20] out of commission.

[49:20] Now, here's a true story.

[49:23] A few days ago,

[49:23] I flew in from Los Angeles

[49:24] to New York,

[49:25] and the plane I was in

[49:26] was hit by a bolt of lightning.

[49:28] Now, I can only imagine

[49:29] we were okay.

[49:30] I'm alive.

[49:30] It's okay.

[49:32] This is not the moment

[49:33] where I reveal him a ghost,

[49:36] and Dan goes,

[49:36] what a great trick.

[49:37] And I go,

[49:37] yeah, but I can only do it once,

[49:39] and then I fade away.

[49:40] It disappears.

[49:41] Yeah.

[49:42] So, I can only imagine how,

[49:44] and they made us turn around

[49:45] and get a new plane,

[49:46] which was very frustrating.

[49:48] Not as frustrating as being dead,

[49:49] but you know what I mean.

[49:50] I can only imagine

[49:51] how they'd have to get a new plane

[49:52] if a puppet got all clogged up in there.

[49:54] They're asking for a miracle

[49:55] on the Hudson, Dan,

[49:56] I guess is what I'm saying.

[49:59] But Edward shows up.

[50:00] She has used her superhuman,

[50:03] or I guess she's fighting puppets mostly,

[50:04] so regular human strength,

[50:06] to rip the searing wheel off the car,

[50:07] still handcuffed to her.

[50:08] She fights all the henchmen

[50:10] and saves Phil.

[50:11] But Sandra gets the drop on her,

[50:14] and Phil has to make the shot

[50:15] that he failed to make years ago

[50:17] and shoots Sandra in the head,

[50:19] killing her.

[50:20] Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

[50:23] So, and I watched that,

[50:25] and I'm like,

[50:25] so am I supposed to be,

[50:26] wait a minute,

[50:27] so he accidentally murdered her father,

[50:29] and now he killed her.

Dan McCoy

[50:30] The circle is closed.

[50:32] The bloodline has been stubbed.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] I was like,

[50:37] am I supposed to be having fun right now?

[50:41] Phil asks Bubbles out on a date.

[50:43] She's delighted.

[50:44] It's been clear

[50:44] she's been sweet on him the whole time

[50:45] because 40s detective secretaries

[50:47] are always sweet on the detectives.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] And he looks like a blue Dick Miller.

Elliott Kalan

[50:51] And who wouldn't want to date

[50:52] a blue, soft, short Dick Miller

[50:54] who walks like his legs

[50:56] are just kind of hanging from him.

[50:58] Then the lieutenant comes over,

[50:59] and he's like,

[51:00] Phil, you're back on the force,

[51:01] which is the kind of thing

[51:02] you'd think you'd need to go through

[51:03] an approval process to do.

[51:05] Joel McHale goes,

[51:06] I'm going back to the FBI,

[51:07] and they call him an asshole,

[51:09] and leaving me again

[51:10] with a question of like,

[51:11] why was he in the movie?

[51:13] And then there's a

[51:15] inexplicable music video

[51:16] for I Want Candy

[51:17] featuring the characters

[51:19] from the film

[51:19] and showing behind the scenes

[51:21] footage of the movie,

[51:22] which as we already covered,

[51:23] much more entertaining

[51:24] than the movie.

[51:26] And that's the tale

[51:27] of the Happy Time Murders.

[51:29] It seems we've closed

[51:33] the case file

[51:34] of the Happy Time Murders.

Jesse Thorn

[51:41] Hey gang,

[51:42] Jesse here,

[51:43] the founder of Maximum Fun,

[51:45] and with me is Stacy Molsky,

[51:47] who is, among other things,

[51:48] the lady who responds

[51:49] to all of your tweets.

S8

[51:50] Hi everyone,

[51:51] I also send you newsletters.

Jesse Thorn

[51:53] So anyway,

[51:54] something really awesome.

[51:56] You, MaxFun listeners,

[51:58] have given us the chance

[51:59] to do something really cool

[52:00] on behalf of our entire community,

[52:03] and we wanted to tell you about it.

S8

[52:04] Last summer,

[52:05] following the MaxFun drive,

[52:06] we put all of the enamel pins

[52:07] on sale to $10 and up members,

[52:09] with proceeds going to

[52:10] the National CASA

[52:11] GAL Association for Children.

Jesse Thorn

[52:13] Your generous support

[52:14] and enthusiasm

[52:15] raised over $100,000.

[52:19] Our bookkeeper, Steph,

[52:21] would be quick to tell me

[52:22] the exact total is $109,025,

[52:27] to be exact.

S11

[52:28] Your money will go

[52:29] toward pairing kids

[52:29] who've experienced abuse

[52:31] or neglect

[52:31] with court-appointed advocates

[52:33] or guardian ad litem volunteers.

Jesse Thorn

[52:35] In other words,

[52:36] kids in tough spots

[52:37] will have somebody

[52:38] in their corner.

[52:39] Knowledgeable grown-ups

[52:40] who are on their team

[52:41] through court dates

[52:42] and life upheavals

[52:44] and confusing situations,

[52:45] whatever.

S8

[52:46] The money we raise together

[52:47] is going to help

[52:48] a lot of kids.

Jesse Thorn

[52:49] Whether you bought pins or not,

[52:51] you can help us build

[52:52] on that $109,000 foundation.

[52:56] Make a donation

[52:57] to support National CASA GAL

[52:59] and help some of our nation's

[53:01] most vulnerable children

[53:02] at MaximumFun.org

[53:05] slash C-A-S-A.

[53:08] That's MaximumFun.org

[53:10] slash CASA.

[53:11] And seriously,

[53:12] thank you.

[53:12] Our community rules.

S6

[53:20] Hi, I'm Joe Firestone.

[53:22] And I'm Manolo Moreno.

[53:23] And we're the hosts

[53:23] of Dr. Game Show,

[53:24] which is a podcast

[53:25] where we play games

[53:26] submitted by listeners

[53:27] regardless of quality

[53:28] or content

[53:29] with in-studio guests

[53:31] and callers

[53:32] from all over the world.

S4

[53:33] And you can win

[53:33] a custom magnet.

[53:34] A custom magnet.

[53:35] Subscribe now

[53:36] to make sure

[53:36] you get our next episode.

S6

[53:38] What's an example

[53:38] of a game, Manolo?

S4

[53:39] Pokemon or medication.

[53:41] How do you play that?

[53:42] You have to guess

[53:42] if something's

[53:43] a Pokemon name

[53:44] or medication.

[53:46] Medication.

[53:47] First time listener,

[53:48] if you want to listen

[53:49] to episode highlights

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[53:52] follow Dr. Game Show

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[53:55] We'd love to hear from you.

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S6

[53:57] For the whole family,

[53:59] we'll be every other Wednesday

[54:00] starting March 13th

[54:01] and we're coming

[54:02] to Max Fun!

[54:03] Snorlax.

[54:04] Pokemon?

[54:04] Yes.

[54:05] Nice.

Dan McCoy

[54:06] Hey, you goobers.

[54:08] You guys had

[54:09] two great episodes

[54:11] of new movies

[54:12] in theaters.

[54:15] And now,

[54:16] after those treats

[54:18] for the beginning

[54:19] of the year,

[54:20] you get this trick

[54:21] of me,

[54:23] Dan McCoy,

[54:24] doing another

[54:24] solo ad read.

[54:26] I hope you think

[54:27] about what you've done.

[54:29] Hey, there's only

[54:30] one sponsor

[54:32] this fine day

[54:35] and it's

[54:36] Squarespace.

[54:37] Squarespace,

[54:37] you all know

[54:38] what it is.

[54:39] You make websites

[54:40] with it.

[54:41] Everyone needs

[54:42] one these days.

[54:43] That's what they tell me.

[54:44] I'm old.

[54:45] Things you can do

[54:46] with Squarespace.

[54:47] Squarespace.

[54:47] You can create

[54:48] a beautiful website

[54:49] to turn your cool idea

[54:50] into a website

[54:53] that seems redundant.

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[54:56] sell products

[54:57] and services

[54:57] of all kinds

[54:58] and more.

[55:00] Whatever your heart

[55:01] desires.

[55:03] People using

[55:04] Squarespace include

[55:05] architects,

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[55:15] gyms,

[55:15] studios.

[55:16] There's,

[55:16] you know,

[55:17] what?

[55:17] Why?

[55:18] Why a list?

[55:19] Everyone uses a website

[55:20] these days.

[55:21] That's the point

[55:22] I started the ad with.

[55:24] Hey,

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[55:54] use the offer code

[55:55] flop

[55:56] to save 10% off

[55:58] your first purchase

[55:59] of a website

[56:00] or domain.

[56:01] And now,

[56:02] I return you

[56:03] to the live show

[56:04] that we've kept

[56:04] in the Flophouse Vault

[56:06] up until now

[56:07] until you were

[56:09] slavering with desire

[56:10] to hear it

[56:11] and or

[56:12] forgot we ever

[56:14] did this movie.

[56:15] Thanks, guys.

[56:17] Okay, so

[56:18] we should get to

[56:19] audience questions

[56:19] but real quick,

[56:20] what we do now

[56:21] is we do final judgments

[56:22] on the movie,

[56:23] whether this was

[56:23] a good, bad movie,

[56:25] a bad, bad movie

[56:26] or a movie we kind of liked,

[56:28] Elliot.

[56:28] What do you have to say about it?

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] On a technical level

[56:30] of puppeteering,

[56:32] this is an amazing movie.

[56:34] But on every other level,

[56:36] I'm going to have to go

[56:37] bad, bad

[56:38] and apologize

[56:38] to the people

[56:39] who worked so hard

[56:40] to bring to life

[56:41] these stupid moments.

Dan McCoy

[56:45] Stupid moments,

[56:46] the precious moments

[56:47] offshoot.

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] It's like a little kid

[56:51] going like,

[56:52] will this fit

[56:52] in an electric socket?

[56:55] Just a ceramic of that.

Dan McCoy

[57:01] What I'll say about this movie,

[57:02] technically this movie

[57:04] is great, as you said.

[57:05] I would say on a...

[57:06] Technically great,

[57:07] raves Dan McCoy.

[57:08] Put it on the box.

[57:10] On an acting level,

[57:12] everyone is doing their best.

[57:14] It's a talented cast

[57:15] doing their best.

[57:15] Everybody's having fun.

[57:17] Well, I would say

[57:18] that the lead puppeteer

[57:21] is a long-time puppeteer

[57:24] and he does a great job

[57:26] as the lead.

[57:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:28] That puppet has star potential.

Dan McCoy

[57:29] I would say

[57:30] for the first 45 minutes,

[57:32] I don't want to disappoint you,

[57:33] I kind of like the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] Dan, you've disappointed me

[57:36] in so many ways in your life.

[57:38] Why stop now?

Dan McCoy

[57:39] For the first 45,

[57:40] I kind of liked it.

[57:41] I was like,

[57:41] the puppeteering's good

[57:42] as long as they're not doing

[57:43] the same fucking joke

[57:45] of like,

[57:46] oh, a puppet's doing

[57:47] a dirty thing.

[57:47] When they're not doing

[57:48] that joke,

[57:49] but other jokes,

[57:50] I was like,

[57:50] this is kind of funny.

[57:51] There's a few funny jokes in it.

[57:52] Yeah, but then it got boring.

[57:54] Then it got boring.

[57:55] So, I don't know,

[57:56] mixed kind of like,

[57:57] bad, bad.

[57:58] I don't know where

[57:58] I'm at with this.

[57:59] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[58:00] Yeah, for like,

[58:01] a gritty L.A. neo-noir,

[58:04] it doesn't really succeed.

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] Not up to Chinatown,

[58:09] so Stuart Wellington.

[58:11] You have to admit,

[58:12] L.A. is a character

[58:13] in the film.

[58:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[58:14] Now, it's,

[58:15] yeah, I mean,

[58:16] it's basically

[58:17] Who Framed Roger Rabbit,

[58:19] but dirtier

[58:19] and with puppets.

[58:21] And not very good.

[58:25] No, there's no

[58:26] weasel gang.

[58:28] No, it's a...

[58:29] Every movie,

Elliott Kalan

[58:30] Stuart first judges it

[58:31] on whether there's

[58:31] a weasel gang.

[58:32] How many weasels are in it?

[58:33] And it's gotta be

[58:34] the full weasel gang,

[58:35] even with the crazy guy

[58:36] with the razor blade.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] Yeah, he's scary.

[58:42] So, yeah,

[58:43] I mean,

[58:43] this is a,

[58:44] I think this is a bad,

[58:45] bad movie.

[58:46] There's parts of it

[58:47] that I genuinely laughed at.

[58:49] Like, I think there's,

[58:50] we've watched a lot

[58:50] of bad comedies

[58:51] for the show,

[58:52] and I laughed more

[58:53] during this

[58:54] than I did

[58:55] for any of them.

Elliott Kalan

[58:56] I think if I was watching

[58:56] this with other people,

[58:58] there might have been

[58:58] parts where I was,

[59:00] where I felt light

[59:00] enough to laugh at.

[59:01] Watching it by yourself,

[59:02] as with any comedy,

[59:03] it suffers a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[59:05] Hoping desperately

[59:05] that your child

[59:06] doesn't wake up

[59:07] and glimpse

[59:08] any moment of it.

[59:09] Dada, dada,

[59:11] why do the puppets

[59:12] do dirty things?

Elliott Kalan

[59:14] Dada,

[59:15] how much jizz

[59:16] does a puppet

[59:16] have inside it?

[59:18] And I'm like,

[59:18] how do you know

[59:19] that word?

Dan McCoy

[59:20] You're like,

[59:21] well,

[59:21] scientists disagree.

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] So we're giving,

[59:26] what,

[59:26] Happy Time Murders

[59:27] like a thanks for trying?

Stuart Wellington

[59:29] You know,

[59:30] everybody worked

[59:31] really hard.

Dan McCoy

[59:33] Yeah, you know,

[59:34] guys,

[59:34] everybody poops.

[59:38] Movie.

[59:38] So now what do we do, Dan?

[59:40] Now let's take,

[59:41] let's talk to the audience

[59:42] for a little while.

[59:43] Sure, yeah, yeah.

[59:43] Let's wrap.

[59:44] 15, 20 minutes,

[59:45] I don't know,

[59:45] whatever.

[59:45] 15, 20 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] Hey, Dan's at that

[59:49] time of night.

[59:49] It's loosey-goosey time.

[59:50] Who knows how much?

[59:52] Dan's like 15,

[59:53] 20, 30, 100.

Dan McCoy

[59:56] So we have a,

[59:57] we have a,

[59:58] oh,

[59:59] I was driving.

[59:59] I was wondering,

[1:00:00] Jan,

[1:00:00] you are,

[1:00:00] and I've started

[1:00:01] drinking again.

[1:00:01] So who knows

[1:00:02] what's going to happen?

[1:00:03] Oh, boy.

[1:00:04] So we have a microphone

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:05] here,

[1:00:06] if you don't mind

[1:00:07] getting in line.

[1:00:08] Is there one there?

[1:00:09] Microphones,

[1:00:09] I don't know if the

[1:00:10] microphones on the

[1:00:10] side of the stage work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:11] I think the center one

[1:00:12] might be the only one.

[1:00:14] That's where Mike.

[1:00:15] Yeah,

[1:00:15] we're getting,

[1:00:16] yeah,

[1:00:16] center mic.

[1:00:17] So you'll have to go to the,

[1:00:18] yeah,

[1:00:18] that one's not turned on.

[1:00:19] Oh,

[1:00:19] that's just an audience

[1:00:20] background mic,

[1:00:21] or something.

[1:00:22] Look,

[1:00:22] it's the center microphone.

[1:00:24] The center microphone.

[1:00:25] Apologies to anyone

[1:00:26] who's at the side microphones.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] Apologies to the other.

[1:00:29] Center microphone.

[1:00:30] The side microphone

[1:00:31] are only to pick up

[1:00:32] your delightful apps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:35] So,

[1:00:35] anyway,

[1:00:36] there's something

[1:00:36] I like to say

[1:00:37] before we ask questions.

[1:00:38] Oh, God.

[1:00:39] Let's have fun,

[1:00:40] everybody.

[1:00:40] First question.

[1:00:41] All right.

[1:00:42] Hi.

[1:00:42] Hi,

[1:00:43] my name's Beth.

[1:00:44] Hello.

[1:00:45] Hey, Beth.

[1:00:46] Sup?

S8

[1:00:46] So,

[1:00:47] since the Happy Time

[1:00:48] murderers didn't bother

[1:00:49] to explain the actual origins

[1:00:51] of why their world

[1:00:52] is the way it is,

[1:00:53] if you could come up

[1:00:54] with the backstory

[1:00:54] for why humans

[1:00:56] and puppets

[1:00:56] live together in this world,

[1:00:58] what would it be?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:59] I guess,

[1:01:00] what,

[1:01:00] Geppetto had sex

[1:01:01] with a puppet?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:03] There has,

[1:01:04] I feel like there has to be

[1:01:05] some kind of an evil force,

[1:01:07] and they have to make

[1:01:08] some kind of a binding pact

[1:01:09] at some point.

[1:01:11] And it has to,

[1:01:12] there has to be mountains

[1:01:13] and a lot of swords,

[1:01:16] right?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:16] I think it should happen

[1:01:18] Meg style,

[1:01:20] and Rainn Wilson

[1:01:21] should fund a project

[1:01:23] that goes to the bottom

[1:01:24] of the ocean

[1:01:25] and breaks the thermal barrier

[1:01:27] and then a bunch

[1:01:27] of puppets come out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:28] What if it's like,

[1:01:29] if it's like 10 years ago

[1:01:30] the spaceship landed,

[1:01:32] puppets came out.

[1:01:33] Now,

[1:01:33] they're just a part

[1:01:34] of our world

[1:01:35] and we gotta deal with it.

[1:01:36] And then it's like,

[1:01:37] and like a sweeping shot

[1:01:40] of like the puppet neighborhood

[1:01:41] and there's like

[1:01:41] a human cop who's like,

[1:01:43] oh, puppets,

[1:01:44] I gotta deal with

[1:01:44] all these puppets.

[1:01:45] Here's your partner.

[1:01:46] I guess that's the movie,

[1:01:47] you know,

[1:01:47] let's forget it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:49] Thank you very much.

[1:01:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:51] So take your pick,

[1:01:52] any of those things.

[1:01:53] Any of them.

[1:01:54] Hello, Jeremy.

[1:01:55] Hello.

S7

[1:01:59] So,

[1:01:59] first off,

[1:02:00] let me just say that

[1:02:01] currently the Facebook group

[1:02:02] loves your belt buckle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:03] Oh,

[1:02:03] thank you very much.

[1:02:05] Oh, wow,

[1:02:05] real-time updates.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] Let me get next to his crotch

[1:02:07] to describe it.

[1:02:10] It's the Statue of Liberty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:12] It says 1886,

[1:02:13] 1986.

[1:02:14] It's from the centennial

[1:02:15] of the Statue of Liberty

[1:02:16] and it's my way of saying,

[1:02:18] one,

[1:02:18] I love big belt buckles.

[1:02:19] Two,

[1:02:20] I love artifacts

[1:02:21] that are not of the original thing

[1:02:22] but of the commemoration

[1:02:23] of the thing.

[1:02:24] And also,

[1:02:26] hey,

[1:02:26] this country is built

[1:02:27] on immigrants, dude.

[1:02:27] Like,

[1:02:27] let them in.

[1:02:28] Okay,

[1:02:28] anyway,

[1:02:28] so,

[1:02:29] yeah.

[1:02:30] Okay,

[1:02:31] Jeremy.

[1:02:31] Soap.

[1:02:32] Let me get off my soapbox

[1:02:33] but I'd like to stay on it

[1:02:34] because I'm very short.

S7

[1:02:36] And as a man

[1:02:38] who is shorter than you.

[1:02:39] Yeah.

[1:02:40] Keep talking.

[1:02:43] Oh,

[1:02:44] that's funny for everybody

[1:02:45] in the audience

[1:02:45] but not for the listener.

[1:02:47] Right,

[1:02:48] so you had said

[1:02:49] that you felt like

[1:02:51] this movie was a remake,

[1:02:53] a poor remake

[1:02:54] of a better

[1:02:56] noir movie.

[1:02:58] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:58] I wonder

[1:02:59] what other,

[1:03:00] especially for you,

[1:03:01] Elliot,

[1:03:02] who are a fan

[1:03:02] of earlier

[1:03:04] kinds of films.

[1:03:07] Let's just call them oldies.

[1:03:08] Yeah,

[1:03:08] let's call them old

[1:03:09] black and white movies

[1:03:10] that nobody that you,

[1:03:11] yeah,

[1:03:12] flickers.

[1:03:12] That nobody else watches

[1:03:13] or cares about,

[1:03:13] yeah.

[1:03:13] movies that nobody else watches.

[1:03:15] What would you like to see

[1:03:16] remade

[1:03:17] as a puppet movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:21] I mean,

[1:03:21] the implication

[1:03:22] of this question

[1:03:23] is that I would like

[1:03:24] to see any movie

[1:03:25] remade as a puppet movie.

[1:03:29] What if it was King Kong

[1:03:31] but it's a real gorilla

[1:03:32] and it's puppet people?

[1:03:35] I love it.

[1:03:37] Hey,

[1:03:38] hey.

[1:03:38] $700,000.

[1:03:40] Would that freak some minds?

[1:03:44] My mind is freaky.

[1:03:45] I don't know.

[1:03:46] King Kong,

[1:03:46] let's say.

[1:03:47] Great movie.

[1:03:47] Very problematic.

[1:03:48] Let's make a new one

[1:03:49] that's not quite so.

S8

[1:03:51] Hi,

[1:03:51] I'm Mary Beth.

[1:03:52] Hello.

[1:03:53] Hi.

[1:03:53] So,

[1:03:54] I wanted to ask a question

[1:03:56] about this movie

[1:03:58] in particular

[1:03:58] because I'm kind of

[1:04:00] a big fan of Avenue Q

[1:04:01] and I'm kind of wondering

[1:04:04] if you think

[1:04:05] that there's a line

[1:04:06] between good and bad

[1:04:07] use of mixing

[1:04:08] something that's considered

[1:04:09] a childish medium

[1:04:11] like puppets

[1:04:11] or animation

[1:04:12] and then adult content.

[1:04:14] You mentioned

[1:04:15] Who Framed Roger Rabbit

[1:04:16] as well.

[1:04:17] So,

[1:04:17] I was wondering

[1:04:18] what's the line

[1:04:19] between

[1:04:19] something like

[1:04:22] The Happy Time Murders

[1:04:23] and then something like

[1:04:25] or Avenue Q?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:27] Well,

[1:04:28] I mentioned

[1:04:28] Weasels.

[1:04:29] Intelligence and Wits.

[1:04:31] Sorry,

[1:04:31] go on,

[1:04:32] Stuart.

[1:04:33] No,

[1:04:33] I was just

[1:04:34] doing a callback

[1:04:36] to it.

[1:04:36] No,

[1:04:36] no,

[1:04:37] Dan stepped on it.

[1:04:37] That's okay.

[1:04:38] No,

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:38] that's fine.

[1:04:39] Dan made a real...

[1:04:39] I was doing a callback

[1:04:41] to a thing I was saying.

[1:04:42] No,

[1:04:42] it's okay.

[1:04:43] I lost it.

[1:04:44] It's okay.

[1:04:45] No,

[1:04:45] don't worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:46] I lost the audience.

[1:04:47] I'll answer this one then.

[1:04:47] Okay,

[1:04:48] so,

[1:04:48] I think the difference is

[1:04:50] if the movie is about

[1:04:52] something other than

[1:04:53] we're seeing childish things

[1:04:55] doing non-childish things,

[1:04:57] like,

[1:04:59] is very much steeped

[1:05:01] in L.A. history

[1:05:01] in a way

[1:05:01] that other movies are not.

[1:05:03] Avenue Q is more about

[1:05:04] living in New York

[1:05:05] as a young person

[1:05:05] who has no money.

[1:05:07] Like,

[1:05:07] this movie is just about

[1:05:09] puppets having sex

[1:05:09] with each other

Dan McCoy

[1:05:10] and, like,

[1:05:11] cursing a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] So,

[1:05:12] it doesn't really say

[1:05:13] anything about anything else.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:14] I have no answer,

[1:05:15] but I'm going to pull in

[1:05:16] an Elliot

[1:05:16] and do a little name drop.

[1:05:20] For The Daily Show,

[1:05:21] we had

[1:05:22] Stephanie DeBrugeo

[1:05:23] come in

[1:05:24] who was the original

[1:05:25] cape monster

[1:05:26] for Avenue Q

[1:05:26] and does stuff

[1:05:28] for Sesame Street

[1:05:29] as Prairie Dawn

[1:05:29] right now

[1:05:31] to do a bit.

[1:05:33] Delightful.

[1:05:34] Super delightful.

[1:05:35] Her husband

[1:05:36] listens to the Flophouse,

[1:05:37] brought me a Muppet book.

[1:05:39] Oh, cool.

[1:05:39] Wonderful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:40] That's really nice.

[1:05:41] Super great.

[1:05:42] That's a great anecdote.

[1:05:43] So,

[1:05:43] if you wanted

[1:05:44] conflict from that story,

[1:05:46] none will be forthcoming.

[1:05:47] No conflict,

[1:05:48] just happiness.

[1:05:49] Nope.

[1:05:49] The absence of drama.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:53] Do you have anything

[1:05:53] to say, Stuart,

[1:05:54] other than the thing

[1:05:55] that I stepped on?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] No,

[1:05:57] I'll get the next one.

[1:05:59] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:00] Thank you, guys.

[1:06:00] Thank you for the question.

[1:06:01] Thank you for being here.

[1:06:03] Next question.

[1:06:04] Hi, guys.

[1:06:05] I'm Matthew.

[1:06:05] Hey.

[1:06:06] Hello.

[1:06:06] So,

S9

[1:06:07] the lead puppet,

[1:06:09] Muppet,

[1:06:09] whatever,

[1:06:09] it's properly called

[1:06:10] is Phil Phillips.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:12] Detective Phil Phillips.

[1:06:13] Right.

[1:06:13] Phillips,

[1:06:14] we have to assume.

[1:06:15] Right.

[1:06:15] Mr. P,

[1:06:16] not Master P,

[1:06:17] that is a rapper.

S9

[1:06:19] In the Muppets Take Manhattan,

[1:06:21] Kermit gets hit by a car.

[1:06:23] He loses his memory.

[1:06:24] He ends up

[1:06:25] at an advertising agency.

[1:06:26] They ask him

[1:06:27] what his name is.

[1:06:28] He looks at an advert

[1:06:29] and he says

[1:06:29] his name is

[1:06:30] Phillip Phil.

[1:06:31] Oh.

[1:06:32] Just the inverse

[1:06:33] I forgot this is a brilliant movie.

[1:06:35] Never mind.

[1:06:36] Yeah.

[1:06:37] No, but my question is.

[1:06:38] Why are you freaking our minds?

[1:06:39] My question is,

[1:06:40] there are only three possibilities

[1:06:41] I thought of

[1:06:41] of why

[1:06:42] it's just simply

[1:06:44] the inverse

[1:06:45] for the name.

[1:06:47] Is it simply

[1:06:47] Brian Henson's

[1:06:49] like wink back

[1:06:50] to his father's movie?

[1:06:51] Could be.

[1:06:52] Is it just Brian Henson

[1:06:52] is so lazy

[1:06:53] that he couldn't think

[1:06:54] of any other thing

[1:06:55] except Phil,

[1:06:56] Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil?

[1:06:57] No comment.

[1:06:58] Or, esoterically,

[1:07:01] is he saying

[1:07:02] that this movie

[1:07:03] is actually

[1:07:04] a creation

[1:07:05] of the darkest,

[1:07:07] most perverted parts

[1:07:08] of Kermit the Frog's psyche?

[1:07:10] Oh.

[1:07:11] So it's like

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:12] saying elsewhere kind of.

[1:07:13] Well,

S9

[1:07:14] in terms of Kermit the Frog

[1:07:15] and how he's identified,

[1:07:18] one of the things

[1:07:18] that he's most identified

[1:07:19] is that he's constantly

[1:07:21] in an interspecies relationship.

[1:07:23] He's defined

[1:07:24] in a way sexually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:27] Let's go.

[1:07:28] Okay.

[1:07:28] Here's my theory.

[1:07:29] My theory is that

[1:07:30] he forgot the joke

[1:07:32] from the Muppets

[1:07:33] take Manhattan.

[1:07:35] That's my theory.

[1:07:36] Okay.

[1:07:36] Because to him,

[1:07:37] my guess is that,

[1:07:38] I mean,

[1:07:39] he's kind of,

[1:07:40] he's been shepherding

[1:07:41] his dad's legacy

[1:07:41] for a long time.

[1:07:42] But when you are close

[1:07:44] to the creation of a thing,

[1:07:45] it doesn't have

[1:07:46] the sacred quality

[1:07:46] that it has to other people.

[1:07:48] So I would doubt

[1:07:49] that he knows

[1:07:49] Muppet chapter and verse

[1:07:50] quite the same way.

[1:07:51] It's the same way

[1:07:52] that old mystery science theater,

[1:07:54] I would ask Joel Hodges

[1:07:55] and I'll name drop a little bit.

[1:07:56] I'd ask him about stuff

[1:07:56] on that show

[1:07:57] and he'd be like,

[1:07:57] I don't know, man.

[1:07:58] I don't remember.

[1:07:59] And I'd be like,

[1:08:00] you can't remember this thing?

[1:08:00] But if people asked me

[1:08:01] about the new version,

[1:08:02] which I just worked on,

[1:08:04] I'd be like,

[1:08:04] I don't know.

[1:08:04] I don't remember that.

[1:08:05] Like, it's like the way

[1:08:07] that people think

[1:08:09] about Star Wars

[1:08:09] and they're like,

[1:08:10] this is probably

[1:08:11] the modern religion.

[1:08:12] And when George Lucas

[1:08:13] thinks about Star Wars,

[1:08:14] he's like,

[1:08:14] that story I made up

[1:08:15] about a robot and a boy?

[1:08:16] Like, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:19] But let's just take

[1:08:20] this opportunity

[1:08:20] to remember how funny

[1:08:21] it is when Kermit's like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:23] how about ocean breeze soap?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:25] It makes you clean.

[1:08:27] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:28] It's a good movie.

[1:08:29] Let's go home

[1:08:29] and watch it

[1:08:30] instead of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:31] Do you remember?

[1:08:32] There's that scene

[1:08:32] where Kermit's like,

[1:08:34] it's not a carousel,

[1:08:35] it's a time machine.

[1:08:38] You know, Fozzie,

[1:08:40] the Greeks have a word,

[1:08:42] nostalgia.

[1:08:43] It means the pain

[1:08:44] of an old wound.

[1:08:48] Thank you very much.

[1:08:49] Thanks.

[1:08:51] Oh, I want to do that

[1:08:52] all night.

[1:08:53] My wife's going to be

[1:08:53] so mad that that

[1:08:54] was put in my head now.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:55] Hello, Marissa.

[1:08:56] I'm going to do this

[1:08:57] with everyone I know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:58] Dan, just,

[1:08:59] we know you know people.

S10

[1:09:00] Hi, this is really tall.

[1:09:02] Okay.

[1:09:03] So, my question is,

[1:09:06] do you feel there's

[1:09:07] an appropriate satirical

[1:09:08] way to address race

[1:09:10] in movies?

[1:09:12] Blazing Saddles exists,

[1:09:14] but I'm more,

[1:09:15] yeah,

[1:09:16] but I'm more curious

[1:09:16] as to why we haven't

[1:09:18] been able to develop

[1:09:19] that in the 21st century.

[1:09:21] And like,

[1:09:21] what,

[1:09:22] and in this scenario,

[1:09:24] I posit that

[1:09:25] Get Out

[1:09:26] is a horror movie.

[1:09:28] So, I'm just curious

[1:09:28] as to like,

[1:09:29] do you feel there's

[1:09:30] a way to address this?

[1:09:32] Because we've talked

[1:09:32] about it in

[1:09:33] The Happy Time Murders,

[1:09:34] you talked about it

[1:09:35] in Bright,

[1:09:35] and it's been done

[1:09:37] so very poorly.

[1:09:39] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:39] I think Sorry to Bother You.

[1:09:40] You're a very sensitive

Dan McCoy

[1:09:40] white man.

[1:09:41] Why don't you answer this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:42] I am very sensitive.

[1:09:43] I'm almost constantly

[1:09:44] on the verge of tears.

[1:09:45] I mean,

[1:09:46] I think Sorry to Bother You

[1:09:47] handles it well,

[1:09:48] and I think,

[1:09:48] but I think that,

[1:09:50] here's the big issue,

[1:09:51] and I'm going to be

[1:09:51] stepping in a minefield

[1:09:52] here, folks.

[1:09:53] Some say,

[1:09:54] a mine freak,

[1:09:55] but I wouldn't say that.

S10

[1:09:56] I'm asking like,

[1:09:57] three white dudes.

[1:09:58] Well, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:59] I think for the longest time,

[1:10:01] cue Billy Joel's song,

[1:10:02] that these satires about race

[1:10:05] have been in the hands

[1:10:06] of people who did not

[1:10:07] experience that racism,

[1:10:08] but people who were

[1:10:08] observing it,

[1:10:09] and so you had,

[1:10:10] like, Mel Brooks,

[1:10:11] as much as I love him,

[1:10:12] I think he's hilarious,

[1:10:13] and he had, you know,

[1:10:14] Richard Pryor working on

[1:10:15] the script for Blazing Saddles.

[1:10:16] Like, he is not a black man,

[1:10:18] and so it inevitably

[1:10:19] is going to be his impression

[1:10:20] of what black people

[1:10:21] must go through,

[1:10:22] and so, like,

[1:10:23] to really have satire

[1:10:24] that stings,

[1:10:25] I think it helps to

[1:10:27] feel that sting,

[1:10:28] and not to just

[1:10:29] observe that sting,

[1:10:30] but also, like,

[1:10:31] it's super tough,

[1:10:32] and satire,

[1:10:32] I've come to believe,

[1:10:33] is pointless,

[1:10:34] and has no impact

[1:10:35] on anything,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:35] and has no effect at all.

[1:10:37] Former head writer

[1:10:38] for The Daily Show.

[1:10:39] I'm a real,

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:39] I've become a real,

[1:10:40] a real apostate

[1:10:41] in the idea,

[1:10:42] and thinking that satire

[1:10:43] mainly serves

[1:10:44] to make people go like,

[1:10:45] yeah,

[1:10:46] that is right,

[1:10:46] I do believe in that,

[1:10:47] and I don't know

[1:10:48] that anyone ever

[1:10:48] watched Blazing Saddles

[1:10:49] and was like,

[1:10:50] I should stop being a racist,

[1:10:51] like, this is crazy,

[1:10:52] so, but I think that,

[1:10:53] but honestly,

[1:10:54] I think that's part of it,

[1:10:54] is that for so long,

[1:10:56] the means of making

[1:10:57] those things

[1:10:58] have been in the hands

[1:10:58] of people who were

[1:10:59] commenting on something

[1:11:00] they were not themselves

[1:11:01] experiencing,

[1:11:02] and so there's always

[1:11:02] that distance there.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:03] You're saying the workers

[1:11:04] should seize

[1:11:04] the means of production.

[1:11:07] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:09] basically,

[1:11:09] I mean,

[1:11:10] they shouldn't seize

[1:11:10] the means of production,

[1:11:11] they already have control

[1:11:12] of the means of production,

[1:11:13] they merely have to

[1:11:14] exercise,

[1:11:15] exercise that control.

[1:11:18] So...

[1:11:18] Is that point two

[1:11:19] in your PowerPoint?

[1:11:22] My 14 points of power,

[1:11:23] yeah.

[1:11:24] I think that's a reference

[1:11:25] to something that happened

[1:11:26] before the show

[1:11:26] started recording.

[1:11:28] But yeah,

[1:11:28] so,

[1:11:29] but yeah,

[1:11:29] but that's my answer.

[1:11:30] Guys,

[1:11:30] what do you think?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:31] I don't think I can say it

[1:11:32] any more eloquently

[1:11:33] than that,

[1:11:33] so I'm gonna push!

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:34] But I think a lot of people

[1:11:36] are like,

[1:11:36] why wasn't a movie

[1:11:36] like Get Out

[1:11:37] made before?

[1:11:38] And it's like,

[1:11:38] well,

[1:11:38] because someone

[1:11:39] who felt that

[1:11:40] was not making movies yet,

[1:11:41] you know,

[1:11:41] through the mainstream

[1:11:42] studio system,

[1:11:43] so what are you gonna do?

[1:11:44] I guess what you're

[1:11:45] gonna do is make movies.

[1:11:45] Elliot speaks my mind

[1:11:46] on this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:47] Yeah.

[1:11:48] Yeah.

[1:11:48] And also,

[1:11:48] unless he said

[1:11:50] something dumb,

[1:11:50] in which case,

[1:11:51] I distanced myself.

[1:11:53] Like a true coward.

[1:11:55] So,

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:55] things to remember,

[1:11:58] workers seized control

[1:12:00] yes,

[1:12:01] racism,

[1:12:02] no thank you,

[1:12:04] more people doing more stuff,

[1:12:07] and,

[1:12:07] you know,

[1:12:08] Popeyes forever.

[1:12:09] Hi,

[1:12:10] Jeff,

[1:12:10] last name Hotheld.

[1:12:11] Hi, Jeff.

S11

[1:12:12] Very excited to be here,

[1:12:13] and I would say that

[1:12:14] for the first time

[1:12:16] being in an audience here,

[1:12:17] I speak for the audience

[1:12:19] in that,

[1:12:20] yes.

[1:12:21] Wow.

[1:12:22] You know,

[1:12:23] a lot of balls on Jeff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:24] Okay, guys,

[1:12:25] this is the third

[1:12:25] of the 14 points of power.

[1:12:27] In that,

[1:12:28] if the workers are not

[1:12:29] seizing control

[1:12:31] you do it.

S11

[1:12:33] In that,

[1:12:34] what I'm most excited about

[1:12:35] is the Dan Solo ad read

[1:12:36] for this episode.

[1:12:37] Oh, yeah.

[1:12:38] Okay.

[1:12:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:42] As it has been described,

[1:12:43] a descent into madness.

S11

[1:12:45] Yes.

[1:12:47] Also,

[1:12:47] I heard you, Dan,

[1:12:49] say that the live episodes

[1:12:50] are less popular,

[1:12:52] and I think that might be

[1:12:53] because of a lack of Elliot,

[1:12:54] singing.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:56] Oh.

[1:12:58] We can only assume.

[1:12:59] I mean, like, he usually,

[1:13:00] he didn't do it tonight,

[1:13:01] but he usually does, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:03] No, well,

[1:13:03] but my singing in front

[1:13:04] of the live audiences

[1:13:05] is not quite the same

[1:13:06] because I can feel the power

[1:13:07] of a whole room full of people

[1:13:08] not enjoying it.

[1:13:10] and I like the feeling of you guys,

[1:13:13] you two not enjoying it,

[1:13:15] but there's like,

[1:13:16] I haven't gotten there yet

[1:13:17] as a comedy performer

[1:13:18] where I love to waste

[1:13:19] a whole room full

[1:13:20] of people's time.

[1:13:21] Like,

[1:13:21] Norm MacDonald

[1:13:22] is at this place

[1:13:23] where he can waste

[1:13:24] hundreds of people's time

[1:13:25] and derive real pleasure

[1:13:27] from it,

[1:13:27] and I'm like,

[1:13:28] I don't,

[1:13:29] I guess I have too much

[1:13:29] human emotion in me.

[1:13:30] I don't know.

[1:13:31] Well, I do have a very specific request,

[1:13:34] which is Horse Meets Dog.

[1:13:36] Thank you.

[1:13:37] Out now.

[1:13:37] Stores everywhere.

[1:13:39] Horse Meets Dog

[1:13:40] by me and Tim Miller.

[1:13:41] Buy it at your local

[1:13:41] independent bookseller.

S11

[1:13:42] I'm very excited to share

[1:13:43] it with my daughter.

[1:13:44] Oh, thank you.

[1:13:45] Yes,

[1:13:45] and I was wondering

[1:13:47] if you could share with us

[1:13:48] a teaser of the opening number

[1:13:51] of the Broadway musical

[1:13:52] Horse Meets Dog.

[1:13:55] Oh, okay.

[1:13:57] Well,

[1:13:58] there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:59] I'll take my answer offline.

[1:14:00] Okay, thank you.

[1:14:01] As you know,

[1:14:02] if you've read the book,

[1:14:02] which you should have,

[1:14:03] it opens with a dog

[1:14:04] seeing a horse.

[1:14:06] So...

[1:14:06] As all classic plots do.

[1:14:08] Okay.

[1:14:09] You'd think you would open

[1:14:10] with an I'm a dog song.

[1:14:12] No.

[1:14:12] You gotta,

[1:14:13] come on,

[1:14:13] you gotta start with

[1:14:14] when the action

[1:14:15] has already started.

[1:14:15] That's writing 101.

[1:14:16] You start as late as possible.

[1:14:17] So it would be like,

[1:14:19] hey,

[1:14:21] hey,

[1:14:21] what's that over there?

[1:14:23] Hey,

[1:14:23] what's that guy over there?

[1:14:25] He's so big,

[1:14:26] bigger than any dog

[1:14:28] I've ever seen.

[1:14:31] What kind of dog

[1:14:32] could be so big?

[1:14:36] could fill the skies?

[1:14:39] could reach

[1:14:40] above my dreams?

[1:14:43] I gotta talk

[1:14:44] to that dog.

[1:14:46] I gotta find out

[1:14:47] what makes dogs

[1:14:48] so big sometimes.

[1:14:51] I gotta talk

[1:14:52] to that dog

[1:14:53] and see

[1:14:54] maybe if I

[1:14:55] can climb

[1:14:56] the highest heights.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:58] And so forth.

[1:14:59] They go like that.

[1:14:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] So that's the opening.

[1:15:00] Oh,

[1:15:01] thank you.

[1:15:04] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:05] I think that,

[1:15:06] I think we can actually

[1:15:07] make it through

[1:15:08] the entire line,

[1:15:08] but we gotta speed up

[1:15:09] a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] Okay,

[1:15:10] so lightning rounds.

[1:15:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] Hey guys.

S12

[1:15:13] We're the O'Briens,

[1:15:14] last name withheld.

[1:15:15] And we came from Texas

[1:15:17] to ask you so appropriately.

[1:15:19] Woo!

[1:15:20] Oh.

[1:15:21] Woo!

[1:15:22] We've been working our way

[1:15:23] through the Puppet Master series.

[1:15:25] Sure.

[1:15:26] Sure.

[1:15:26] Very different puppet movies.

[1:15:28] Yeah,

[1:15:28] very.

[1:15:29] Yeah.

[1:15:29] Well!

[1:15:30] More fun.

[1:15:35] And in the second

[1:15:36] Puppet Master movie,

[1:15:38] The Puppet Master,

[1:15:39] Andre Thulon,

[1:15:39] we realize it sounds

[1:15:41] exactly like

[1:15:42] Thomas Hardy

[1:15:43] doing Bane

[1:15:44] in Dark Knight Rises.

[1:15:45] Yeah.

[1:15:46] And we,

[1:15:47] yeah,

[1:15:48] it's crazy,

[1:15:49] but we went on Google

[1:15:50] and looked it up

[1:15:51] and we're like,

[1:15:52] no one has recognized

[1:15:53] this before.

[1:15:54] So we're asking,

[1:15:55] have you done that

[1:15:56] where you're like

[1:15:56] so sure

[1:15:57] that something

[1:15:59] had to be

[1:16:00] what happened?

[1:16:01] Like Thomas Hardy

[1:16:02] watched that.

[1:16:02] Tom Hardy in an interview

[1:16:03] while holding

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:03] some beautiful rescue dog.

[1:16:06] Yeah.

[1:16:07] Explains that he got

[1:16:08] the inspiration

[1:16:08] for the character voice

[1:16:09] of Bane

[1:16:10] in the Batman movie

[1:16:11] was Puppet Master 2.

[1:16:16] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:17] I don't have a good one.

[1:16:18] The closest I have

[1:16:20] is in Galaxy Quest,

[1:16:23] Sam Rockwell's character

[1:16:25] like complains

[1:16:27] the entire movie.

[1:16:28] Like he was in one episode

[1:16:29] he got killed

[1:16:29] and then he,

[1:16:31] at the end of the show

[1:16:32] he's,

[1:16:33] at the end of the movie

[1:16:33] he's on the new show

[1:16:35] when they bring it back

[1:16:36] next generation style

[1:16:37] but he's got

[1:16:38] a red outfit

[1:16:39] and so I'm like,

[1:16:42] oh,

[1:16:42] they're making a joke

[1:16:42] about red shirts.

[1:16:43] Like he's gonna die again

[1:16:45] in the new show.

[1:16:47] Okay.

[1:16:47] And I remember like

[1:16:48] back in the day

[1:16:49] Roger Ebert had a

[1:16:50] questions for the movie

[1:16:51] Answer Man column.

[1:16:53] Yeah.

[1:16:53] And I like sent in,

[1:16:54] I'm like,

[1:16:55] hey,

[1:16:55] do you think that this is a joke

[1:16:56] about red shirts?

[1:16:59] He did not publish

[1:17:01] that letter.

[1:17:03] A waste.

[1:17:03] But he did send me

[1:17:05] a email back

[1:17:07] saying,

[1:17:08] maybe you're right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:15] So that's the best I've got.

[1:17:16] Anyone else?

[1:17:17] It's almost like

[1:17:17] he's telling you

[1:17:18] that you should

[1:17:19] do a career

[1:17:20] as a movie critic.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:23] Elliot,

[1:17:24] you look like

[1:17:24] you might have something.

[1:17:25] You don't.

[1:17:26] You're shaking your head.

[1:17:27] I've never had

[1:17:27] an original thought.

[1:17:28] No.

[1:17:28] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:29] Sorry,

[1:17:29] I'm distracted

[1:17:30] thinking about you

[1:17:31] slaving over a keyboard.

[1:17:33] So excited

[1:17:34] as you send off

[1:17:34] this letter.

[1:17:35] Printing it off

[1:17:36] and then putting it

[1:17:37] in a letter.

[1:17:37] I was like 13 or something too.

[1:17:38] I'm amazed

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:38] I've never heard

[1:17:39] this story from you before.

[1:17:40] Yeah, I did.

[1:17:41] I mean,

[1:17:41] you can't be,

[1:17:42] you couldn't have been 13

[1:17:42] because Galaxy Quest

[1:17:43] came out when.

[1:17:44] I don't fucking know.

[1:17:46] I was young.

[1:17:47] Wait,

[1:17:47] they didn't even know

[1:17:48] if you were 13?

[1:17:49] Makes sense.

[1:17:49] You were 13 years old.

[1:17:52] Just one more thing.

[1:17:53] Wasn't Galaxy Quest

[1:17:55] released when I was

[1:17:56] older than 13

[1:17:57] and I'm younger than you?

[1:17:58] So,

[1:17:59] you know,

[1:18:01] so maybe

[1:18:01] maybe it wasn't that age?

[1:18:04] Maybe,

[1:18:04] maybe Galaxy Quest.

[1:18:05] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:05] For the first time

[1:18:06] in Columbo history,

[1:18:07] you got me,

[1:18:08] detective.

[1:18:08] Take me away.

[1:18:12] Makes sense.

[1:18:13] you did it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:13] Just one more question.

[1:18:15] What do I do now

[1:18:15] at this point?

[1:18:17] We got 20 more minutes

[1:18:19] in the episode.

[1:18:20] You were supposed

[1:18:20] to engage in a sort

[1:18:21] of mental cat and mouse

[1:18:22] game with me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:25] Maybe Galaxy Quest

[1:18:26] just made you feel

[1:18:26] like you were 13.

[1:18:28] Aww.

[1:18:31] Anyway,

[1:18:31] let's move it along.

[1:18:32] Thank you for that question.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:35] Hi,

[1:18:35] I'm Aaron.

Jesse Thorn

[1:18:37] Hey.

[1:18:38] Hello.

[1:18:38] Yes,

[1:18:39] hi.

[1:18:40] So,

[1:18:41] Happy Time Murders

[1:18:41] reminded me a lot

[1:18:42] of another,

[1:18:43] puppet,

[1:18:44] neo-noir,

[1:18:44] Fraggle Rock.

[1:18:46] So,

[1:18:47] I was wondering

[1:18:48] if there was any,

[1:18:49] if you could put

[1:18:50] any actor

[1:18:52] who might normally,

[1:18:53] or actress

[1:18:53] who might normally

[1:18:54] be in that kind

[1:18:55] of gritty crime story

[1:18:56] into Fraggle Rock,

[1:18:59] who would it be?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:01] Michael Shannon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:04] A similar,

[1:19:05] Richard Widmark,

[1:19:06] the Michael Shannon

[1:19:07] of the 1940s.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:11] Carla Gugino?

[1:19:13] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:14] All right,

[1:19:15] fair point.

[1:19:15] Okay,

[1:19:15] I'll give you that one.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:17] let's move on.

[1:19:17] Are you saying that,

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:18] are you saying that

[1:19:19] the Doozers built

[1:19:20] the highways in LA?

[1:19:21] Yeah.

[1:19:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:23] The Doozers built

[1:19:24] the highway

[1:19:24] to take over

[1:19:25] the water rights.

[1:19:26] Yeah.

Jesse Thorn

[1:19:28] Hi,

[1:19:28] I'm Paul,

[1:19:29] last name withheld.

[1:19:30] Oh,

[1:19:30] hey,

[1:19:31] Paul.

[1:19:31] How are you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:32] I have a question

[1:19:33] for each of you.

[1:19:34] Uh-oh.

[1:19:35] Oh,

[1:19:35] no.

[1:19:35] Like individual questions?

[1:19:37] Well,

[1:19:37] that you may each

[1:19:37] individually answer.

[1:19:38] Oh,

[1:19:39] thank you for the permission.

[1:19:40] My question is in eight parts.

Jesse Thorn

[1:19:42] No.

[1:19:44] Which Muppet do you wish you were

[1:19:46] or strive to be?

[1:19:48] And then,

[1:19:49] which Muppet,

[1:19:49] if different,

[1:19:51] are you actually?

[1:19:52] Oh.

[1:19:53] I'll take my answer up here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:54] Oh.

[1:19:55] Am I a Jason or a Chidi?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:59] Oh,

[1:20:00] you're not Chidi.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:01] You're not Chidi.

[1:20:02] You're Jason.

[1:20:03] Yeah.

[1:20:03] But just because I'm questioning this,

[1:20:05] doesn't that kind of make me a Chidi?

[1:20:07] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:09] I'll start.

[1:20:10] I'll start.

[1:20:12] I'll start.

[1:20:13] This is a three,

[1:20:14] this should be a two-part answer.

[1:20:16] It's going to be a three-part answer.

[1:20:17] Okay.

[1:20:18] Interesting.

[1:20:19] I strive to be a Rolf.

[1:20:21] Oh,

[1:20:22] okay.

[1:20:22] Fair.

[1:20:23] I am a Kermit.

[1:20:26] What I fear

[1:20:27] is

[1:20:28] I was complaining about

[1:20:31] how much I hate Walter

[1:20:32] in Muppets.

[1:20:34] Yeah.

[1:20:35] Because he's such a bullshit,

[1:20:36] bland character

[1:20:36] that was invented from the movie

[1:20:38] that took the fucking spotlight

[1:20:40] off the Muppets

[1:20:41] we all know and love.

[1:20:42] I was complaining about this

[1:20:44] and Mr. John Hodgman said,

[1:20:47] Dan,

[1:20:47] you're such a Walter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:50] And he's Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,

[1:20:53] so he's an authority.

[1:20:55] If there's anyone who knows

Dan McCoy

[1:20:58] what will cut me to the bone most,

[1:21:00] it's John Hodgman.

[1:21:03] Guys?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:03] I think I strive to be a Kermit.

[1:21:06] Okay.

[1:21:06] In my heart,

[1:21:07] I would like to believe

[1:21:08] that I'm actually Fozzie,

[1:21:10] but I know that I am

[1:21:11] Statler or Waldorf.

[1:21:14] one of a group of friends

[1:21:16] who sit there

[1:21:17] watching things they hate

[1:21:18] when at any moment

[1:21:19] they could stop watching it

[1:21:20] and just leave.

[1:21:24] And Stuart,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:24] we all know who you are,

[1:21:25] right?

[1:21:25] Yeah, Stuart.

[1:21:26] I mean,

[1:21:27] I like to think

[1:21:28] I'm an animal.

[1:21:29] Yeah.

[1:21:31] Yep, yep.

[1:21:33] But I'm...

[1:21:34] But?

[1:21:34] I'm probably deep down,

[1:21:36] I'm a scooter.

[1:21:38] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:39] No, don't say that.

[1:21:40] Don't say that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:40] No, no, no one deserves that.

[1:21:43] That's right, Dan.

[1:21:45] I understand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:47] That's the one Muppet,

[1:21:48] when you're watching

[1:21:48] the first Muppet movie

[1:21:49] and Scooter shows up,

[1:21:51] you're like,

[1:21:51] yeah, why are you here, Scooter?

[1:21:52] Like, what's...

Dan McCoy

[1:21:53] Like, he was only

[1:21:55] in the show originally

[1:21:56] because he was the nephew

[1:21:57] of the theater owner.

[1:21:58] But they never figured out

[1:22:00] anything to do with him.

[1:22:01] He's just irritating.

[1:22:02] Yeah.

[1:22:03] Oh, oh, I didn't know

[1:22:05] there was a bunch of

[1:22:05] fucking scooter heads

[1:22:06] in the audience tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:08] I will say,

[1:22:08] when I was a kid,

[1:22:09] I wanted to be Gonzo.

[1:22:10] Yeah.

[1:22:10] But...

[1:22:11] But then I got older

[1:22:14] and I realized,

[1:22:15] Gonzos don't fit in well

[1:22:16] to human society so well.

[1:22:18] They're too weird.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:20] final question of the evening.

[1:22:22] Oh, God.

[1:22:23] Oh, it's the original one.

[1:22:24] Hey, guys, my name's Matt.

[1:22:25] Hey, Matt.

[1:22:27] No direct question

[1:22:28] to either one of you,

[1:22:29] but I'd love to pick your brains

[1:22:30] about any of your observations

[1:22:32] you've had tonight.

[1:22:32] Are any of you

[1:22:33] going to have a beer

[1:22:34] after the show

[1:22:35] anywhere tonight?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:35] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1:22:36] So, thank you for asking,

[1:22:38] Matthew,

[1:22:39] who's sneaking away.

[1:22:41] I smell a plant.

[1:22:42] How do you ever...

[1:22:43] How do you always manage

[1:22:44] to get in the right place?

[1:22:47] So, after the show,

[1:22:49] we're going to be out.

[1:22:50] We have some merch

[1:22:51] and we're going to be

[1:22:52] signing stuff

[1:22:53] and saying hi.

[1:22:54] And if you have any complaints

[1:22:55] about the show,

[1:22:56] direct them to Dan.

[1:22:57] And then afterwards,

[1:22:59] I,

[1:23:00] and I think I'm going to drag Dan,

[1:23:01] we're going to go over

[1:23:02] to the bar I own

[1:23:03] called Hinterlands.

[1:23:06] If you want to come out,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:07] I know it's Sunday,

[1:23:08] but we'll be at Hinterlands.

[1:23:09] Elliot will not

[1:23:10] because he has his family in town.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:11] I've got a whole lot

[1:23:12] of stuff to do.

[1:23:13] I got,

[1:23:14] I guess I would call it

[1:23:15] promises to keep

[1:23:17] and miles to go

[1:23:17] before I sleep.

[1:23:18] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:19] But these two,

[1:23:21] these guys.

[1:23:21] I'll be there.

[1:23:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:22] Even though I have to work tomorrow.

[1:23:25] You know what, Stu?

[1:23:26] You're the real hero.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:28] Yeah, fuck off.

[1:23:29] I got to get up

[1:23:30] at a normal time

[1:23:31] to go to a nine to five job.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:33] Anyway.

[1:23:34] Cool.

[1:23:34] So thank you.

[1:23:35] I guess that's all the questions.

[1:23:36] Yeah.

[1:23:37] Thanks.

[1:23:38] Ending on a high note

[1:23:39] as usual.

[1:23:41] Guys,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:42] thank you so much.

[1:23:44] We're so glad

[1:23:45] that Elliot could be back

[1:23:46] so we could do another show

[1:23:47] in Brooklyn.

[1:23:47] My pleasure.

[1:23:48] It's been great.

[1:23:50] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:23:52] I've been Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:54] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:23:56] Dan pointed at me

[1:23:57] out of order.

[1:23:57] I went the wrong direction.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:59] Good night, everyone.

[1:24:01] Good night.

[1:24:03] Thank you so much

[1:24:04] for being here.

[1:24:05] Thanks to everyone

[1:24:05] at the Bell House.

[1:24:07] We appreciate it.

[1:24:27] A lot of people

[1:24:28] don't realize Dan

[1:24:28] is auditioning for SNL tomorrow.

[1:24:30] So he's going to

[1:24:31] try out a couple characters tonight.

[1:24:35] Give us one of your

[1:24:36] famous characters.

[1:24:37] Give us one of your

[1:24:37] famous characters.

[1:24:40] I'm an old prospector.

[1:24:42] Hello.

[1:24:43] Okay.

[1:24:44] What I like about him

[1:24:44] is that his body

[1:24:45] barely moves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:47] And I also like

[1:24:48] that you said

[1:24:48] who you are

[1:24:49] right up top.

[1:24:51] Classic SNL.

[1:24:52] That's a Saturday Night Live special.

[1:24:54] That's how they do it.

S9

[1:24:57] Optimumfun.org

[1:24:58] Comedy and culture.

[1:25:00] Artist owned.

[1:25:01] Audience supported.

Ep. #303 - The Happytime Murders

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