Ep. #303 - The Happytime Murders

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the Happy Time Murders.

[0:04] Live Super Bowl Sunday at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] That's right, he's Dan McCoy, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Those guys are as advertised. Their names are accurate, as they've just reported.

[0:51] And my name, well, therein lies a tale.

[0:54] Oh, jeez.

[0:56] You know, the name Elliot Kalin means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

[1:01] He's been known as a lover, a hero, a rogue, a villain.

[1:07] They say an Elliot Kalin either dies a hero or lives long enough to remain a hero.

[1:14] They call him Destroyer of Chickens.

[1:18] They call him Maker of Jokes.

[1:21] They call him Prolonger of Bits.

[1:25] And they call him Waster of Time. And that's what I'm doing today on the Flophouse.

[1:29] Good night, everybody.

[1:32] By the way, if you noticed that I took a moment before doing the show, it was me remembering how the show began.

[1:37] So after 276 episodes as of this taping...

[1:42] You're just about to get it.

[1:43] I'm just about to catch on.

[1:45] You're almost hitting your groove.

[1:47] I think 200 more episodes and you'll remember your own name and how the show starts.

[1:53] I have too much brain power dedicated to remembering the emperor's new groove to remember my own groove.

[2:01] That was more for Elliot than the audience, apparently.

[2:05] Apparently? I thought that was your mission going in.

[2:08] What's a joke Elliot's going to find funny but nobody else will?

[2:12] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:14] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:17] And today we watched The Happytime Murders.

[2:22] It's a recent Razzie winner nominee, right?

[2:26] The most important award.

[2:29] We'll get into that.

[2:30] That's like the Pulitzer of made-up awards that nobody cares about for movies.

[2:36] I mean, the Pulitzer is a made-up award though.

[2:38] I mean, they're all made-up awards.

[2:40] There are no naturally occurring awards.

[2:43] It's not like if you leave a tree trunk in the middle of the forest for long enough, it turns into an Oscar.

[2:49] Guys, when you think about it, most of the stuff we care about in life is made-up.

[2:54] Care to name some of it, Dan, to get you in trouble?

[2:57] Stop trying to mind freak me, Dan.

[3:02] Here's something you guys need to know about Dan.

[3:03] He's always trying to mind freak us.

[3:05] And it doesn't work most of the time.

[3:08] He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, that taco you're eating right now.

[3:11] Three different living things had to die to make that taco.

[3:14] And I'm like, I don't know, a bunch of corn?

[3:15] I don't care.

[3:18] I don't really know what a mind freak is.

[3:21] Sometimes he'll just jump out of a corner and go, freak!

[3:25] And then he'll go, how's your mind feel?

[3:28] Like, okay.

[3:29] Say hello to your mind for me, because it just got freaked.

[3:32] You might want to take a minute to calm your mind down, because he's pretty freaked right now.

[3:36] Anyway, Dan, so this movie, The Happy Time Murders.

[3:38] No, we're not talking about it.

[3:41] We're just going to dick around more.

[3:44] Okay, it's a puppet movie.

[3:47] Brian Henson, son of Jim Henson.

[3:49] For some reason, this was his passion project.

[3:52] And Jim Henson, as a name, you could tell is the son of a hen.

[3:56] That's what his name tells us.

[3:59] That's the hidden language of names that can tell you a lot.

[4:02] If someone's last name is Carpenter, at some point, someone in their family was probably a carpenter.

[4:07] And as I tweeted once, Alan Tudyk has two dicks.

[4:12] I mean, that's not how dick is spelled, but maybe in Old English that shows.

[4:16] Like, maybe when Chaucer wrote his story about Alan Tudyk, that's how he spelled it.

[4:20] The Tudyk's Tale.

[4:22] Now, here's something I want to say about The Happy Time Murders right off the bat.

[4:25] A couple of people that I know worked on this movie in the puppeteering area,

[4:29] and I just want to say the puppeteering in this movie is phenomenal.

[4:32] So keep in mind, any criticism we have about this movie, and we will,

[4:37] does not apply to the technical quality of the puppeteering, which was top-notch.

[4:41] You did have a comment about some of the puppeteering, right?

[4:44] I was like, it's too good.

[4:46] Well, you were saying that they still—

[4:48] Well, this is something they can't do anything about.

[4:50] There's a lot of full-body shots of puppets walking down the street.

[4:54] And here's the problem with a puppet.

[4:56] Elliot, I think you need to get up for this to do a visual bit.

[4:59] A visual bit that will not play to the people listening at home.

[5:01] The listeners will just have to imagine this.

[5:03] But when you walk, your legs support the weight of your body.

[5:06] And so you walk like this.

[5:08] I'm walking like a normal person.

[5:10] I don't know. That was kind of awkward.

[5:12] Oh, sorry. Let me walk like I normally do.

[5:15] Yeah!

[5:17] I'm more of a keep-on-truckin', sister-natural type walker.

[5:22] But here's the thing.

[5:24] Puppets' legs do not support their bodies.

[5:26] They're supported by, I don't know, rods, puppeteers named Rod, any number of things.

[5:31] So when they walk, and there's a number of shots of them walking,

[5:34] they all walk kind of like this.

[5:36] They all basically look like when Tilda Swinton is walking around as an old man in the new Suspiria.

[5:42] So they're like, we're going to show these puppets are real, live beings

[5:47] by showing them walking around.

[5:49] Instead, they look like, whenever they walk around, you're like,

[5:52] okay, something seriously wrong is happening with that puppet.

[5:54] Yeah, they look like one of those weird little toys

[5:56] where if you push the button, they just collapse.

[5:58] It's like somebody's pushing it halfway the whole time.

[6:01] Yeah, it kind of looks like they're being supported by,

[6:04] their head is filled with helium, and that's carrying them along,

[6:07] and their feet are just like clockwork or something.

[6:09] Their feet are just kind of like streamers hanging below them, you know.

[6:13] And not to play streamers.

[6:15] String indictment of Vietnam.

[6:17] I'm talking about streamers the party favor.

[6:19] Thank you for that clarification.

[6:21] Our audience was very confused.

[6:23] They had this look on their face like, the play streamers?

[6:26] That's what the puppets look like?

[6:28] And I'm going to keep accidentally calling them Muppets.

[6:30] These are not Muppets.

[6:32] It's a Muppet.

[6:33] It's a Henson Company production.

[6:35] The Sesame Street Workshop sued the production, I believe.

[6:39] Well, because they were using the tagline,

[6:41] no Sesame All Street or something like that.

[6:43] It's the Open Sesame, it's the street or something like that.

[6:46] They're like, hey, street.

[6:48] Yep.

[6:49] For Sesame.

[6:50] Yeah, that's right.

[6:52] They have that Muppety look, but they're not Muppets.

[6:55] So if you were hoping this is finally your chance to see The Count having sex with Fozzie,

[7:01] I'm sorry, not in this movie.

[7:04] Google it.

[7:05] It's probably out there.

[7:07] I also like that you sound like sort of a sleazy, big-picture mogul.

[7:10] You're like, you got that Muppety look, kid.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] I mean, that's basically how the Muppet movie ends, right?

[7:18] That's true.

[7:19] I was like, you're going to make a lot of movies for me.

[7:22] Anyway, The Happytime Murders, let's talk about it.

[7:25] Okay, this movie posits a world where puppets are an oppressed minority among people.

[7:30] Yeah, the movie opens 10,000 years ago.

[7:34] The camera pans across a windswept battlefield.

[7:38] An evil wizard is forging a ring or something,

[7:42] and an alliance has to be formed between puppets and humans.

[7:46] Carry on, Elliot.

[7:48] Okay, I wish it did.

[7:50] That would be amazing.

[7:52] No, the movie opens with puppets are living in L.A.,

[7:55] and they are a stand-in for...

[7:57] The story begins back in the Old West,

[8:00] where a group of horny leprechauns have sex with, what, fairies?

[8:05] That's how dwegons are made, yes, yeah.

[8:09] They're leprechauns and fairies that have sex on a man's rug,

[8:13] thus creating dwegons,

[8:15] the donut-loving imps that we've all come to cherish.

[8:20] You got them sticking to the back of your car right now,

[8:23] with suction cups, all those dwegons.

[8:25] Oh, I thought you meant, like, a Cape Fear-type scenario.

[8:27] That's right.

[8:28] They're, like, hanging underneath the car so you can't escape them.

[8:31] Sure. Moving on, though.

[8:33] Moving, yeah. Muppeting on.

[8:35] So anyway, puppets are an oppressed minority.

[8:37] It's just like Bright, it's just like Alienation, but this time it's puppets.

[8:41] We're introduced to our hero, Phil Phillips.

[8:43] He's a puppet detective, and get this.

[8:46] In this movie, these puppets, they curse.

[8:50] Like, I don't know if you guys want your minds to be freaked,

[8:53] but these puppets curse a lot, and also, they like doing it.

[8:58] Stuart, Stuart, are these your daddy's puppets?

[9:01] They're not your daddy's puppets.

[9:03] Okay.

[9:04] Unless your dad is Jim Henson, in which case,

[9:08] they bear a certain resemblance to your dad's puppets.

[9:11] You raided the warehouse.

[9:15] But I'm willing to bet no one in this room or listening,

[9:18] their dad is Jim Henson.

[9:20] So technically, these are not your daddy's puppets.

[9:24] Did your dad have any puppets, Dan? Mine did not.

[9:26] You know what? True story.

[9:30] My uncle, who is a minister, as most of the males in my family tree are,

[9:37] had puppets that he used to minister the word of Christ to people.

[9:41] So wait, what kind of puppets were these?

[9:43] They were like puppets that, like, they were like...

[9:45] Don't tell me the mechanics. I want to know the characters.

[9:48] I do not know the characters.

[9:50] But they were the kind that had, like...

[9:53] Oh, fuck. What's it called?

[9:54] They had arms. They had legs.

[9:56] They have a head. Is it like a sock? Is it a marionette?

[9:58] No, no, no.

[10:00] A shadow puppet is one of those Japanese rod puppets

[10:03] where the guy's in all black

[10:05] and he's on stage with the puppet.

[10:06] What is that stuff that you use that's like on like shoes

[10:10] when you don't have laces?

[10:11] Velcro?

[10:12] Velcro!

[10:13] Yes, I wanted to...

[10:13] Well, that was a huge waste of our time.

[10:16] I wanted to say Ziploc for some reason.

[10:21] And I knew that was not correct.

[10:22] Dan, why are you throwing away a million dollar idea?

[10:25] Ziploc shoes would keep feet fresher.

[10:27] They had like Velcro arms that would like go around his neck

[10:33] and like you would, you know...

[10:35] Oh, well, I see.

[10:36] Hello, Bible stuff.

[10:37] Hello, I'm here to tell you about Bible stuff.

[10:40] I'm a puppet, so it goes down easier.

[10:42] But were the puppets like, was it a puppet of Jesus?

[10:44] Like what, or...

[10:45] No, no, they were like...

[10:46] Like a puppet of like a cool kid who's heard the words?

[10:47] Animals.

[10:48] Oh, animals, okay.

[10:49] Yeah, animules.

[10:50] Animaniacs.

[10:51] They were animaniacs, okay.

[10:52] So that's why you would see...

[10:53] Animalipics.

[10:54] All right, moving on, so...

[10:56] Anyway, Phil Phillips, he's a puppet PI.

[10:59] He was the first puppet cop in history,

[11:01] but he was kicked off the force.

[11:02] We don't know why yet.

[11:03] And he gets a client,

[11:04] and he just recently stopped a ring of puppet poachers

[11:06] by kicking them in the balls a lot.

[11:08] Now...

[11:09] Yep, now he's our hero,

[11:10] and the actor is like the last person credited

[11:13] on the IMDb page, which is kind of weird.

[11:16] And I kind of resent the movie

[11:18] by designing the lead to look a lot like

[11:21] character actor Dick Miller,

[11:23] who is unfortunately no longer with us.

[11:26] R.I.P.

[11:28] But yeah, so that's our hero.

[11:30] I mean, this is his legacy.

[11:31] This is how he's gonna live on,

[11:33] in the form of a puppet.

[11:34] Now, as with any movie or TV show

[11:37] where the story of an oppressed minority

[11:38] is told with a stand-in for a real ethnic

[11:41] or religious or what have you group,

[11:43] there's a lot of deeper implications to the metaphor

[11:45] that they don't really understand and kind of screw up.

[11:48] We will not be diving into those waters.

[11:51] Imagine it.

[11:52] Needless to say that...

[11:54] The shorthand is,

[11:55] would you like a minority to just be like,

[11:57] hey, you guys are all puppets.

[12:00] Get it?

[12:01] I mean, the stereotype is everyone's like,

[12:03] puppets just love singing and dancing.

[12:05] That's all they love to do.

[12:06] And I'm like, I am not comfortable

[12:07] with where this is going.

[12:09] So Phil Phillips, he has a client, Sandra White.

[12:12] She's a lady puppet, and she's being blackmailed

[12:14] because she's so damn sexy

[12:15] that she's having sex with everybody all the time.

[12:18] She makes it very clear to him,

[12:19] find the guy who's blackmailing me,

[12:20] or woman, equal opportunity, whatever.

[12:22] Find the person or puppet who's blackmailing me,

[12:25] and I'm going to have sex with you.

[12:26] Yeah, well, she also had one of the clumsiest jokes

[12:29] in the movie where she's like...

[12:30] Say, because there's a ton of clumsy jokes in this movie.

[12:33] Like, you would have to say one of the least clumsy jokes,

[12:36] and I'd be like, which one?

[12:37] What a handful of not clumsy jokes

[12:38] are you going to tell me about?

[12:40] No, but she says, I'm an ima.

[12:43] Oh, right.

[12:44] And she's like, what does that mean?

[12:45] It's like, ima get next to it, ima fuck it.

[12:48] And I wasn't sure...

[12:49] Why would you?

[12:50] Who identifies them by a non-phrase?

[12:53] I was like, I've never heard of that before,

[12:55] so is that a thing in this movie?

[12:56] Like, is that a thing?

[12:57] Like, are there certain puppets that are just into doing it

[13:00] and they're called imas?

[13:01] It's never brought up again.

[13:03] I guess she's just super cool, I don't know.

[13:05] Anyway, a clue that we don't need to get into,

[13:07] it's a letter on the ransom note

[13:08] that's taken from the cover of a porn magazine

[13:10] called, what, Pussy Party or something like that?

[13:12] Probably. Puppet Pussy Party.

[13:13] Puppet Pussy Party.

[13:14] The tagline on the magazine says,

[13:17] little kitties with big titties.

[13:18] I bookmarked it for later research.

[13:20] That clue leads Phil to a sex toy store

[13:22] where a live show is going on

[13:23] where an octopus is milking a cow.

[13:26] And this is, and it's like,

[13:28] again, the puppetry here is astounding.

[13:30] Yes.

[13:32] Like, it looks so good,

[13:34] for something that looks terrible,

[13:36] in concept, it looks so good in execution.

[13:39] And later, and during the, over the credits,

[13:41] instead of showing us bloops,

[13:42] they show us a bunch of footage

[13:44] of the puppeteers doing their magic.

[13:46] And it's like seven people making this work.

[13:48] If this movie was, if they didn't release the movie

[13:52] and they just released a behind-the-scenes

[13:53] making of the movie,

[13:54] I would say this is maybe the best movie ever made.

[13:56] Like, like those little moments

[13:58] during the end credits

[13:59] when you see them actually doing the puppeteering,

[14:01] I'm like, I could watch this forever.

[14:02] So much technical virtuosity went into the happy time.

[14:05] So much more than in the movie Virtuosity,

[14:08] in which we learned that computer programs

[14:10] can turn into real people that murder other people.

[14:13] I don't remember how the movie ends,

[14:14] but I know Russell Crowe,

[14:15] is he his bud in it, I think, at one point?

[14:17] I don't know.

[14:18] Anyway.

[14:19] He's a, he's a, he's a virtual man.

[14:21] That's all you need to know about that.

[14:22] Okay.

[14:23] So that's not the one where he's a Cinderella man.

[14:24] Dan, check Mr. Skin on your phone real quick

[14:25] and find out if you see a butt.

[14:27] He has it set up like Siri.

[14:28] You think I'm not gonna do it?

[14:29] I'm gonna.

[14:30] Okay.

[14:32] Is Russell Crowe's bud.

[14:37] Okay.

[14:38] So Phil, he's in this sex toy store

[14:40] and he bumps into an embarrassed rabbit

[14:42] named Mr. Bumbly Pants,

[14:43] who is like, I'm not, I'm not a porn addict.

[14:45] No, no, no, I gotta get out of here.

[14:47] Phil Phils goes in the back

[14:48] to look up some information or whatever.

[14:50] And a hooded figure with a shotgun comes in

[14:52] and kills everybody in the store.

[14:54] And they're all made of puppet fluffs.

[14:55] There's just fluff flying everywhere.

[14:56] So the interesting thing though,

[14:57] is that previously we had seen puppets

[14:59] squirting out all kinds of horrible stuff.

[15:01] But when you actually start blowing their heads off,

[15:03] it's just fluff.

[15:04] So like, where does the fluid come from, Elliot?

[15:06] Yeah, you're wondering where are the glands?

[15:08] Yeah.

[15:09] Where are the puppet glands?

[15:10] So I've got men, A to Z, nude.com.

[15:13] Russell Crowe shirtless butt scene in virtual reality.

[15:16] Okay, thank you.

[15:17] Do you wanna see it, Elliot?

[15:18] No, I've seen it.

[15:19] It's all I remembered from it.

[15:20] All right.

[15:21] Was his amazing butt.

[15:23] Sure, throwing a phone at someone.

[15:25] It's like, say you will.

[15:26] Yeah, that's how amazing the butt is.

[15:27] It could pick up and throw a phone.

[15:29] Say what you will about his singing in Les Mis.

[15:32] He's got a great butt.

[15:35] Thank you.

[15:36] He's a man of many talents, acting, butt.

[15:39] He's got his own rock band.

[15:42] Anyway, so I guess what we're saying is,

[15:44] these puppets, yeah, where's the fluid coming out of?

[15:46] I don't understand.

[15:47] Do puppets, I mean, it's never made really clear

[15:49] like are puppets made or do they give birth?

[15:52] Because there's a puppet family, we say later.

[15:54] Look, don't ask those questions.

[15:56] It's puppets.

[15:57] Like, forget about it.

[15:58] It's just a movie.

[15:58] It's like the movie Cars.

[15:59] If you start thinking about it, it's madness.

[16:01] Well, yeah.

[16:02] Well, you have to assume that all the people died

[16:03] and it's just the cars are left.

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:06] And the cars, they have no way of making new cars.

[16:08] And so that's-

[16:09] Yeah, it's like, Cars is basically like,

[16:11] that's a world where there was one turbo teen

[16:13] and then he had sex with a person

[16:15] and they had a child and that child was a turbo teen

[16:17] and they had a bunch of turbo teens

[16:19] and then the entire world became turbo teens

[16:20] and then they all got stuck in transformation mode.

[16:23] So they're all transformed turbo teens.

[16:26] Yes, exactly, yeah.

[16:28] It's just like, I mean, the dystopian Milo and Otis universe

[16:32] where everyone was anamorphs

[16:34] and basically the same thing happens.

[16:35] Yeah, yeah.

[16:37] Okay, so I think we're about seven minutes into the movie.

[16:41] So Phil is kind of a witness, kind of not

[16:43] to this murder of Bumbly Pants and everyone else in there.

[16:46] His old LAPD partner, Detective Edwards,

[16:48] Melissa McCarthy, first name,

[16:49] I don't remember from the movie.

[16:51] Let's just say Edwards.

[16:52] Let's say Anthony.

[16:53] Let's say her name is Anthony Edwards.

[16:55] She's investigating.

[16:56] They don't like each other.

[16:57] They used to be partners

[16:58] and now there's a lot of bad fluff between them.

[17:00] Not a joke they made in the movie, but they should have.

[17:03] Now we've learned Bumbly Pants used to be on a show

[17:06] called the Happy Time Gang.

[17:07] And this was the first show that was like puppet forward.

[17:10] There was only one human on it.

[17:11] It was literally like, this was like a groundbreaking show.

[17:14] It showed that puppets were entertaining.

[17:15] And it's like, what?

[17:17] Okay, I don't understand.

[17:18] Yeah, it's a bunch of puppets and Elizabeth Banks.

[17:19] Yes.

[17:20] The character's not named Elizabeth Banks, but.

[17:22] No, that'd be so meta.

[17:23] Yeah.

[17:24] No, her name is Jenny.

[17:25] Last name, I don't know.

[17:27] So Phil's brother was on the show as Officer Shenanigans,

[17:30] a puppet who got a human style nose job

[17:33] and Phil really doesn't like that.

[17:34] Phil's really like.

[17:35] He also bleached his skin, Elliot.

[17:37] Yeah, so it wouldn't be blue.

[17:38] He's a self hating puppet.

[17:39] Yeah, yeah.

[17:40] He's a puppet who has assimilated

[17:41] in order to look more like a human.

[17:42] Again, they are swimming in waters

[17:44] that their feet cannot touch the ground in.

[17:47] A puppet is not supported by its feet anyway.

[17:50] So that's kind of okay.

[17:52] But there's a lot of, there's a lot of,

[17:55] let's say I was waiting throughout the whole movie

[17:57] for the like puppet power character with an Afro

[18:00] who was like a revolutionary.

[18:01] Thankfully that did not happen.

[18:03] But I was like, oh, okay.

[18:04] Let's not take this metaphor any further.

[18:06] We learned that Phil got kicked off the force

[18:09] because he let a puppet perp get away.

[18:11] And everyone was like, oh, I get it.

[18:12] Puppets don't shoot puppets.

[18:14] Now a puppet can never be a cop, which is a crazy thing.

[18:18] Because as we see later on in flashback,

[18:19] he did take a shot at the guy.

[18:21] So like, anyway, and he ended up killing another puppet

[18:23] while doing it.

[18:24] We'll get to that.

[18:25] Anyway, that night, Phil's brother is in a hot tub

[18:29] with a human woman.

[18:30] I don't, I think it's supposed to be shocking,

[18:31] but it's like, yeah, whatever.

[18:33] Anyway, I've seen all this stuff.

[18:34] I saw Meet the Feebles.

[18:35] Like again, doesn't bother me.

[18:36] Like, like that movie exists.

[18:38] So, and someone lets some dogs loose in the apartment

[18:41] and they kill Phil's brother, ripping him apart to pieces.

[18:44] I have to admit, I laughed pretty hard at this.

[18:47] Because they're just like fucking wild dogs

[18:51] get let loose and they're drawing and quartering

[18:54] this puppet in the background while this woman

[18:56] is blending a tropical drink.

[18:58] And they were like transportable dogs.

[19:00] They weren't like scary dogs.

[19:02] Yeah, they're little tiny dogs ripping apart a puppet

[19:04] that's like, ah, ah, ah, I don't know.

[19:09] Imagine it.

[19:10] It's funny, right guys?

[19:10] Come on, be on my side.

[19:13] You're in the pitch meeting for this movie.

[19:15] So yeah, Dan, now I imagine you in the pitch meeting.

[19:18] You're acting like, get this.

[19:18] And the dogs are ripping apart and you're like, ah.

[19:20] Dogs murder someone, hilarious, right?

[19:25] Phillips and Edwards, there's nothing left to do.

[19:26] They've got to team up to solve the mystery

[19:28] of who's knocking off members of the Happy Time gang.

[19:30] Well, this is followed by a scene where Melissa McCarthy

[19:33] comes to the scene of the crime and Phillips shows up.

[19:35] He finds his dead brother and they,

[19:38] and Edwards says something that's kind of disrespectful.

[19:40] Like some, you know, I guess,

[19:42] is it racial slur in this situation?

[19:43] There's a lot of like puppet racial slurs in this,

[19:46] which are, it's one of those things where it's like,

[19:48] they have so many puppet racial slurs.

[19:50] Like people must hate puppets so bad.

[19:52] And it's like, I don't remember what they are.

[19:53] If it's like, job or something like that, or you know.

[19:55] So what ends up happening?

[19:57] She should have called him like a Pinocchio

[19:59] and he should have been like,

[20:00] what so they end up getting in a fight and falling to do that again I'm like

[20:04] punching up the movie like nobody asked me to do this

[20:08] they ended up getting in our normal thing which is punching down to the

[20:10] movie yeah high five

[20:13] gone they end up getting in a fight and falling in the hot tub

[20:17] and what happens every time when I see somebody fall in a hot tub

[20:20] is I immediately think oh no what happened to their phone

[20:26] like that would be such a pain in the ass but other movies that's a scene of

[20:31] her putting it in rice

[20:32] we're like going to a store and having to buy a new one

[20:35] you gotta imagine it's a puppet cell phone so it's like call this person

[20:39] I don't know I'm not feeling so good

[20:43] and it squeaks when you hit the button oh maybe that's just it

[20:47] and but no the movie does not care for the cell phone instead she and them get in a

[20:50] fight

[20:51] which she resolves by biting him in the dick right

[20:55] you have that correct sir and I had to imagine Melissa McCarthy being like

[20:58] I'm sure this is not the year I got nominated for an Academy Award

[21:03] the year I'm in a scene where I bite a puppet in the dick in a hot tub

[21:07] but then lo and behold that's what happened just not for this movie

[21:11] life's funny sometimes Elliot oh hey it's one of Dan's old characters

[21:16] let me tell you a story sometimes the year that you do the best work is the year

[21:21] you bite a puppet in the dick

[21:23] Dan, do you have any other examples of someone who did a really bad movie the

[21:26] same year they were nominated for an Academy Award for a different movie?

[21:28] Eddie Murphy? No, it's someone you already do an impression of

[21:33] Michael Caine yes okay now what was that like

[21:37] or do your Eddie Murphy impression, Dan, that's not problematic

[21:41] No, no? Go ahead, I'll just go to the other side of the stage

[21:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me give you a lot of leeway for this Eddie Murphy impression

[21:51] You had a ton of courage backstage when it was just us

[21:54] Oh, damn it

[21:58] You see Elliot, when I was making Jaws the Revenge

[22:02] I was not caring about whether it was a good movie or a bad movie

[22:04] I was caring about the palatial estate it would buy me

[22:09] that's it that's that's all it is dude and like

[22:13] you know Michael I couldn't help but hearing you from backstage

[22:18] You know, it's me, Sly Stallone

[22:23] I've never been nominated for an Oscar, no wait, yes I did

[22:28] I won one for best screenplay, thank you for reminding me

[22:33] Now, I really thought that even as an actor you should have been nominated for Copland

[22:39] I thought so too, I thought so too. Copland was

[22:42] Copland was kind of my big swing at the brass ring

[22:45] But it turns out you don't swing at a brass ring, you grab at it

[22:49] So I just knocked the brass ring far away from the carousel

[22:52] and I couldn't even reach it

[22:53] Now, now Sylvester, I've never seen

[22:58] Call me Sly, because I'm somewhat cunning like a fox

[23:02] Like a Slylock fox, if you will, the greatest of all detectives

[23:07] Yes, with his friend Max Mouse, I'm well aware of the adventures of Slylock fox

[23:13] Now I always wondered, I always wondered, Michael

[23:16] If I can call you Michael, I'll call you Mr. Kane, I'm very respectable that way, I respect you

[23:21] Michael, why didn't you ever play Slylock fox in the movies?

[23:25] Well...

[23:26] Or TV, you know TV is where a lot of people make movies are going these days

[23:30] When I made my...

[23:31] They say it's the new novel

[23:37] I see Stuart has left the stage

[23:40] rather than join us as his own crazy character

[23:44] Now, would I have made my hit film without a clue?

[23:48] That's a wide definition of hit film

[23:52] But what do I know? I was only in two of the top three grossing movies

[23:57] of 1985

[24:00] Would I have made my hit film without a clue?

[24:02] For those listening at home, Stuart has returned with a banana

[24:09] And he's just going to eat it, which is fine

[24:11] More time for me, Sly Stallone, to talk to one of the true

[24:15] treasures of the acting field

[24:18] Sir Michael Kane

[24:20] Should I have been calling you Sir Michael all this time? I don't know

[24:24] Sly, you can call me whatever you want

[24:28] Okay, so I'm here with my friend Derek

[24:32] Derek and I are going to talk about some of his great movies

[24:35] I walked right into that one, and my...

[24:38] my accent is getting worse and worse

[24:41] the longer I talk

[24:43] And yet, the longer I talk, the better my accent

[24:47] It's almost like I gotta warm up my character

[24:51] So anyway, we were talking about

[24:53] happy time murders

[24:55] Now, I've never worked with a puppet, but I did kill one once

[25:00] But I suppose that's a story best left for another day

[25:05] For Channel 7 Eyewitness News, I'm Sylvester Stallone

[25:13] Hey guys, I'm back. Good night, everyone. Guys, I'm back. What's going on?

[25:16] Stuart asked me to run to the grocery store and get him a banana

[25:20] So we have two dead puppets

[25:24] Yeah, and they find out that

[25:27] the show, Happy Time Gang, is about to go into syndication. These puppets were

[25:30] screwed out of the original profits

[25:31] by a frankly very puppet racist

[25:34] network exec or show development guy, the producer, I don't know

[25:37] Yeah, like an agent

[25:38] Yeah, Phil Phillips throws a billiard ball at him and knocks him out

[25:41] and he goes, that's the first time I ever knocked someone out with their own balls or something like that

[25:45] We never see him again, I assume he's dead

[25:48] But the show's about to go into syndication and the deal is going to be split up

[25:51] among the living members of the cast

[25:53] Oh, like a tontine?

[25:54] Exactly like a tontine

[25:56] It's like some sort of marionette tontine, except they're not marionettes again, they're like hand puppets

[26:01] I thought they smelled bad on the outside

[26:06] That's a common mistake, Dan, they smell completely differently

[26:12] Go on, Ellie

[26:15] Proceed

[26:16] But that's really funny that you confused them

[26:19] because one's a monster thing and the other's like a pact

[26:23] Like a kind of contract, yeah

[26:25] If you had to sign a tontine, no one would ever make contracts

[26:31] and a whole school of law would fall apart

[26:35] because they do smell bad on the outside

[26:40] For Channel 7 Eyewitness News

[26:43] I'm Han Solo or whatever

[26:47] Anyway, so they figure one of the members of the Happy Time gang is bumping off the other members

[26:53] They go to another former member's gang HQ, he's a gang leader now

[26:57] and Edwards has to prove she's not a fleshbot

[27:01] but instead that she's got a puppet liver by doing a puppet drug called like sparkle dust or something

[27:06] or glitter fang

[27:07] Yeah, it's just a fucking bunch of purple glitter

[27:09] And she does it and she gets high on that

[27:11] and this is the first time where it's like, oh, this character is supposed to be on like rock bottom

[27:15] and has a drug problem, but we didn't know that until now

[27:18] but it kind of pops in every now and then

[27:20] Everybody in this movie talks to Melissa McCarthy and treats her like she's

[27:25] in the words of the characters, like a man in a pantsuit

[27:29] or like, they keep making fun of her appearance

[27:32] and yet she looks very nice

[27:34] She looks great

[27:34] Nothing about her appearance indicates that she's anything other than a professional person

[27:38] And again, this is the year that she was in a movie about someone who has hit rock bottom

[27:43] and has a serious drinking problem and also a serious everything problem

[27:47] and she's so good in it

[27:48] And I wish that she could have sat down everyone involved in the Happy Timers

[27:51] and showed them that movie and be like, look, I can do this kind of character

[27:55] Like you've got to give me the material to do it

[27:57] And it's

[27:58] You can't just fill my refrigerator in the apartment with maple syrup and say I'm a sugar addict

[28:02] and that's all you're going to do

[28:04] But the scenes where she's like doing a puppet drug sugar are the most

[28:08] like it seems she's having the most fun, like she freaks out, tells jokes

[28:12] like she's a talented improv

[28:15] And she's a classic raconteur

[28:17] Just like telling tales of bridesmaids

[28:19] Yes, she'd be great on the old Dick Cavett show

[28:21] Yeah

[28:22] But this also brings up a weird thing about puppets

[28:26] She has a puppet liver

[28:28] Now, we've seen several puppets heads being blown off by this or ripped apart

[28:32] Yeah

[28:32] They have nothing but fluff inside them

[28:34] Yeah

[28:34] And suddenly we are to believe that they have puppet organs

[28:39] Explain, Elliot

[28:41] Well, it's a movie

[28:43] Is it?

[28:44] It's a movie, they're puppets

[28:46] It's kind of a joke

[28:47] Okay

[28:48] But here's the thing

[28:50] A lot of people don't know this about puppets

[28:51] But especially the Jim Henson puppets

[28:53] They're like we need these to feel like real characters

[28:55] We can't put a brain in their head

[28:57] That's where the hand goes

[28:58] Spoiler alert

[28:59] The reason Kermit's head moves around like that is because there's a man's hand inside of it

[29:05] But the rest of the body to make it feel real

[29:07] We're going to put real organs in there

[29:09] No one's ever going to see them

[29:10] This is just for us, the puppeteers, to know that they're in there

[29:14] So that like if it calls for Cookie Monster to eat a cookie

[29:18] I know that in theory there's a felt stomach

[29:20] There's a felt intestine, a felt anus

[29:23] For him to expel the waste of that cookie

[29:26] It looks like he's just dropping the crumbs in front of him

[29:28] As a kind of misdirection

[29:31] But no, it's all working parts

[29:32] I can feel the temperature of the audience dropping

[29:35] Yeah

[29:37] And it felt anus

[29:38] Felt anus

[29:39] It reached its nadir

[29:41] I'm not saying they have to feel his anus

[29:43] It's a different word

[29:44] Okay, here's the thing

[29:45] If you don't want to think about Cookie Monster's anus

[29:46] Maybe Habitide Murders is not the movie for you

[29:50] So she has a puppet liver

[29:51] She beats up a whole room full of puppets for being misogynists

[29:54] This is supposed to be super tough

[29:56] But again, they're puppets

[29:57] She is a human being with muscles and bones

[30:00] But the whole thing ends with another Happytime member dead, shot from the window of a car

[30:06] in what's made to look like a drive-by shooting, except it's just in an alleyway.

[30:10] It's not really.

[30:11] Even a drive-by shooting is an assassination of a type.

[30:14] It's like they didn't really cover up that crime so well.

[30:17] Phil takes this opportunity.

[30:19] He's on the run, kind of.

[30:20] Oh, no, he's not on the run.

[30:21] They split up.

[30:22] Edwards is going to go to the beach to look for another Happytime murderer.

[30:25] Phil's going to go to his office to check up on what business he's been missing out

[30:28] on during this time, because even though his brother is dead, he's got to catch up

[30:31] on his voicemails, I guess.

[30:33] I haven't mentioned up to this point, she'll come in more important later, but we've seen

[30:36] her up until this time, that he has a secretary named Bubbles, played by Maya Rudolph, who

[30:40] seems to think she's in a movie that's like parodying a 40s detective type thing, and

[30:44] not like a 70s detective type thing.

[30:47] She does great, but she's great in it.

[30:48] This script is written by James Elroy, right?

[30:51] Yeah, well, this is an adaptation of My Dark Places, the story of how he investigated his

[30:57] own mother's murder.

[30:58] Yeah, things got very changed from page to screen.

[31:01] The weird thing is that when James, they brought James Elroy in, they're like, we want to do

[31:03] My Dark Places, and he goes, yeah, but I want to do it with puppets, man.

[31:07] And they're like, James Elroy, you are fucked up.

[31:10] Let's do it.

[31:11] Let's freak some minds.

[31:12] Let's do this thing.

[31:13] Or they could have done L.A. Confidential, too, like more confidential, I don't know.

[31:18] And this time it's set in the TMZ world.

[31:20] Dan, how would that movie go?

[31:22] It's basically Nightcrawler.

[31:23] I guess, yeah, okay, good point.

[31:25] I don't know, but if you want to see another embarrassing video of me, as people here at

[31:29] the Bell House saw, Google me and TMZ, because I was on that for some reason.

[31:34] Oh, that was really funny.

[31:35] Yeah, they stopped you at the airport as you were trying to get on a plane.

[31:38] And they were like, let me act it out for you.

[31:41] Okay, so Dan is carrying an Emmy.

[31:44] It's the only time I've ever seen anyone on TV carrying an award they just won.

[31:47] And I'm like, oh, that poor guy.

[31:50] He's carrying an Emmy, and they're like, that looks dangerous.

[31:51] Do you think you should be able to put it on planes?

[31:53] And he's like, I don't know.

[31:57] This aired on television.

[31:59] And a very slow day for TMZ.

[32:02] But also, if you want to see someone whose eyes constantly look like they're on the verge

[32:06] of popping out of their head, look at me on TMZ, because I'm like, why is this happening

[32:11] to me?

[32:12] What's going on?

[32:13] Should I be talking to TMZ?

[32:14] You're on Mars, and they cut the oxygen.

[32:17] And then they put the oxygen back in, and my eyes just go back to normal for some reason.

[32:21] Yeah, that's how it works.

[32:22] Yeah, I'm the ultimate healer.

[32:23] I'm not Dr. Oxygen.

[32:24] So he goes back.

[32:25] He finds that Sandra White is being blackmailed still, and she's been sent a photo of her

[32:26] with her lover, Jenny.

[32:27] It turns out, this is Elizabeth Banks from the Happy Time Gang, Phil's ex-lover.

[32:28] Oh, no.

[32:29] This, of course, leads to Phil and Sandra having sex.

[32:30] The scene everyone knew they were going to see when they saw the movie, a puppet sex

[32:31] scene.

[32:32] Surprisingly tame.

[32:33] Like, there's a lot of screaming, but compared to, like, the Team America puppet sex scene?

[32:34] Yeah, there's no puppet team.

[32:35] There's no team America.

[33:12] on screen name is Love Wife's Butts, that says, no puppet nudity, give me my money back.

[33:20] That's Dan.

[33:21] Thanks, Ali.

[33:22] So, I didn't mean to out you and your IMDb profile guy.

[33:26] Yeah.

[33:27] I have nothing to say.

[33:28] Move on.

[33:29] Okay.

[33:30] So, and of course, there's some police officers in the waiting room, including Joel McHale

[33:35] as an FBI agent who has almost nothing to do in the movie.

[33:39] And they overhear the sex and witness as Phil jizzes Silly String all over the room

[33:45] for what feels like 35 straight minutes.

[33:48] Yeah.

[33:49] I was not actually shocked by the idea that a puppet movie was showing someone jizzing.

[33:56] I was shocked by...

[33:57] Finish that sentence.

[33:59] I want to know how that sentence ends.

[34:01] I was shocked by the amount of jizz this puppet apparently has.

[34:07] A puppet, as we've mentioned, which seems to have no internal organs.

[34:10] This puppet covers the room in jizz.

[34:14] Yeah.

[34:15] Every inch.

[34:16] And I'm a human man.

[34:18] I don't want to get into too many details, but there's a limited...

[34:23] No, no, no, Dan.

[34:25] Give us like a cubic gallon estimate.

[34:30] Your average man has a, I would say, a limited amount of semen.

[34:33] Incorrect.

[34:34] I would say your average man has an unlimited amount of semen.

[34:37] Okay.

[34:38] Oh, wow.

[34:39] All right.

[34:40] No, no, no.

[34:41] Hold on.

[34:42] All right.

[34:43] Over time, you are correct.

[34:44] Sorry.

[34:45] Over time, there is a very large amount of semen.

[34:46] You're saying that semen is a long game.

[34:48] Semen production is a long game.

[34:49] Let's call each individual serving size of semen.

[34:54] I don't like that at all.

[34:56] Not a term I care for.

[34:57] Okay.

[34:58] Dan.

[34:59] Stuart, you have something to say.

[35:00] Stuart, what do you have to say?

[35:01] I was just trying to calmly explain that my testicles are connected to the elemental plane

[35:06] of semen, and when I cast my spells as I call it, there's a lot of jizz, is what we're trying

[35:17] to say.

[35:18] There's a lot.

[35:19] That's the joke.

[35:20] The joke is there's a lot of jizz.

[35:24] Joel McHale, FBI agent, is there.

[35:26] Phil runs away before they can arrest him because he is in trouble.

[35:29] He goes to see Jenny, Elizabeth Banks.

[35:31] She's stripping for puppets these days.

[35:33] There is a very long joke where she is stripping for some rabbit puppets, and they're all doing

[35:37] it.

[35:38] They're like, we're not in the Cabbage Patch now, boys.

[35:39] Every fucking rabbit joke.

[35:40] Hey, you want my carrot?

[35:41] And they hand her a real carrot, and she bites it, and they're like, ah!

[35:45] Like it goes on forever.

[35:47] And it's like, okay, guys, we got it.

[35:51] I feel like so much of this movie is me watching it going like, I got it.

[35:55] Okay.

[35:56] Move along, please.

[35:57] I get it.

[35:58] She and Phil seem to still have feelings for each other, and she says, okay, I'm going

[36:01] to go get a motel room so I'm safe.

[36:03] I'll call you when I get there.

[36:04] Gets in her car.

[36:05] Of course the car's going to blow up.

[36:07] That's what happens in these movies.

[36:08] I would like to say I called both the car blowing up and, number two, spoiler alert,

[36:14] her not being dead.

[36:16] Okay, great, Sherlock Holmes.

[36:18] You're the great puppet detective.

[36:21] We got your oversized check backstage.

[36:25] I want my happy time murder medal that you promised me, Elliot.

[36:28] I'll give you your medal for outwitting the happy time murderers.

[36:33] I'm smarter than you, by the numbers, puppet detective story.

[36:40] You got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Dan McCoy, aka Mr. Puppet Detective.

[36:48] Well, well, well.

[36:54] Happy time murderers, seems you bit off more than you can chew in trying to fool Dan McCoy.

[37:00] It's okay.

[37:01] Many have made the same mistake, but you have lived to regret it.

[37:05] Elliot, I need these small victories.

[37:09] It is a very small victory.

[37:12] It's why you like watching network procedural dramas, because they're designed so that the

[37:19] audience is supposed to figure them out right before the characters figure them out.

[37:25] I'm like, I could be Nathan Fillion.

[37:28] What's stopping me?

[37:29] I mean, I think you could.

[37:30] Thanks.

[37:31] Maybe I'm blindspot.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] Okay, so meanwhile, Edwards goes to a sugar shack, which she does not go to the Montreal

[37:39] sugar shack tradition, which is a great place to go if you want to eat tons of food and

[37:43] feel gross afterwards, but it's wonderful.

[37:44] She goes to a, it's basically a crack house, but for puppets.

[37:47] Anyway, there's another puppet named Goofer, who was a happy time member and is now a sugar

[37:52] addict.

[37:53] Here's the thing that a real life story that I'm going to drop on you, which is when looking

[37:56] up this movie on Amazon, so I could rent it from Amazon prime, seeing how many happy time

[38:01] character t-shirts were produced and still on sale at Amazon.

[38:04] And I was like, they really thought people were going to fall in love with these characters.

[38:08] They thought someone was going to walk around with a goofer shirt on.

[38:11] Yeah.

[38:12] Now this character offers to suck Melissa McCarthy's dick.

[38:16] And that was at this point in a movie.

[38:17] Very reasonable rates.

[38:18] I think a quarter.

[38:19] Very reasonable rates.

[38:20] Was that featured on the t-shirt?

[38:21] Might've been.

[38:23] It's not like I took notes on the t-shirts.

[38:24] There's like a whole measure on the back listing his rates.

[38:28] But this is the point when I turned to Stuart at All Assembled and I was like, is there

[38:34] anyone on the happy time gang who did not end up at rock bottom?

[38:39] Because this is a very strange, like everyone is like a drug addict, homeless, like, yes,

[38:45] just him.

[38:46] Okay.

[38:47] Well, but he was the producer.

[38:48] One of these actors should have ended up on another show.

[38:51] Dan, correct me if I'm wrong.

[38:53] I'm no psychologist, but I'm going to diagnose you as having been mind freaked.

[38:57] Explain.

[38:58] Well, you seem really perturbed about what happened.

[39:03] You seem to be really having trouble wrapping your mind around this issue.

[39:06] If that's not a freaking, I don't know what is.

[39:08] One of these puppets who was on a popular television show should have found other work

[39:14] rather than being in a crack house.

[39:17] Puppet A, different strokes.

[39:19] Case closed.

[39:20] Moving on.

[39:21] Okay.

[39:22] So.

[39:23] Throw the book at them.

[39:24] And it's been made clear in the movie that none of them got the money from it.

[39:26] This is a searing indictment of how few quality puppet roles there are in Hollywood.

[39:30] There are two kinds of people who can't make it in Hollywood.

[39:32] Women of a certain age, which is over 20, I guess.

[39:35] And puppets.

[39:36] Now, if you're a puppet woman over 20, I'm sorry.

[39:40] It's going to be very difficult unless you're Dame Helen Muppet, who is the puppet version

[39:43] of Helen Mirren.

[39:44] Now, Elliot, I thought you were dangerously close to falling into the same trap as the

[39:48] Happytime Murders, equating repressed people with puppets.

[39:54] But Dame Helen Muppet, I have to give it to you.

[39:56] Okay, thank you.

[39:57] Brought it back for me.

[39:58] Well, I'm looking forward to my...

[40:00] A punny award that I win this year.

[40:02] It's like barely a pun, not even anything.

[40:04] Okay, anyway, so.

[40:06] And I realize, guys, I don't think it's right

[40:08] that women of a certain age have trouble finding roles.

[40:10] Come on, I'm a reflection of society.

[40:14] Okay, don't blame me, blame Dan.

[40:18] That's why I'm here.

[40:18] Okay, so that puppet turns up dead later too.

[40:22] They're all getting dead.

[40:23] Okay, and we finally see Phil has a bad dream

[40:26] where he remembers the shooting

[40:27] where a big puppet was threatening Melissa McCarthy

[40:29] and she's like, they're partners, they love each other,

[40:31] they're great partners.

[40:32] And she's like, take the shot, take the shot.

[40:34] And he chokes and he fires and misses

[40:37] and the bullet ricochets off a column

[40:39] and kills a random other puppet

[40:40] who's hanging out on the street with his daughter.

[40:42] And she's like, no, no.

[40:45] And-

[40:45] It's a pretty dark backstory for Happy Time Murders.

[40:48] I mean, the movie has murders in the title.

[40:50] Yeah, cop kills an innocent civilian.

[40:53] I mean, it's not funny.

[40:54] No, it's not, I'm just saying.

[40:56] I mean, not much of this movie is that funny.

[40:59] It's a fair point.

[41:00] Okay, anyway, Edwards, meanwhile, also feels like an outcast

[41:03] because she has a puppet liver

[41:05] and she's addicted to sugar now.

[41:06] She doesn't, she exists in between worlds.

[41:08] She's not fully human, not fully puppet.

[41:10] What is she?

[41:11] She says, reminding us all of the much better song

[41:14] from The Muppets, which covered the same territory.

[41:18] And they, at some point,

[41:19] address that this flashback happened 20 years ago.

[41:22] And if nobody said that-

[41:22] Was it that long ago?

[41:23] Yeah, if nobody had said that,

[41:25] it would not have seemed any different than yesterday.

[41:27] No.

[41:29] No one has aged at all except, spoiler alert,

[41:31] one very specific character.

[41:34] Oh yeah, that's right.

[41:35] It had to have been a certain number.

[41:36] That's right.

[41:37] So they feel like an outcast.

[41:38] Phillips, finally, as they're driving out

[41:39] to go to the last members of the HappyTown cast,

[41:41] who are inbred religious barbecue owners.

[41:46] It's weird.

[41:47] Yes.

[41:48] Phillips apologizes for missing the shot

[41:50] and they kind of make up.

[41:52] And I'm like, well, if it was that easy,

[41:53] then how did they not do this years ago?

[41:56] I don't understand.

[41:56] Sometime within the 20 years I just mentioned.

[41:59] Yeah.

[42:00] Long story short, they go to that barbecue restaurant.

[42:02] The people there are dead already.

[42:03] They're not suspects.

[42:04] We do see their inbred puppet children yelling at a mirror.

[42:07] And we're like, okay, weird.

[42:10] The killer is still there and Phil starts chasing them,

[42:13] but ends up, uh-oh, arrested by the FBI.

[42:16] It turns out Sandra White, the woman who was,

[42:18] the puppet woman who was blackmailing him

[42:20] and had sex with him, or saying she was blackmailed,

[42:22] is married to Jenny, Elizabeth Banks,

[42:25] and has blamed Phil for the murders

[42:27] and shows us her vagina, basic instinct style.

[42:29] Dan, explain.

[42:32] There's nothing much to explain

[42:34] except for her pubes are purple,

[42:38] which I mentioned not because I am pervazoid number one,

[42:42] but because it is the key clue to this film.

[42:46] Yeah, it's the key piece of evidence.

[42:48] It makes you wonder, why did she do that?

[42:51] Because she could have easily not let that clue slip

[42:53] by wearing underpants,

[42:55] not uncrossing her legs at that moment.

[42:57] I honestly, it's one of the things where she's like,

[42:58] this would be such a great moment

[43:00] for me to parody basic instinct.

[43:01] I know it's gonna undo my entire plan

[43:03] because it gives them the piece of information

[43:05] about me that they need,

[43:06] but I just can't help but be a parody person.

[43:08] Well, that's the thing about being a criminal

[43:10] who also loves movies.

[43:12] Is the obsession to show off how smart you are

[43:16] and also reference a movie.

[43:18] So show off, give them a clue

[43:21] just so you can give them breadcrumbs.

[43:24] It's a real Batman villain type thing

[43:26] where it's like, follow my clues, Batman.

[43:28] It's like, why drop the clues?

[43:30] You're doing it with a lot of intention.

[43:32] So just don't drop the clues, get away with it.

[43:34] Or like, if you're Two-Face,

[43:37] maybe do something that doesn't involve the number two.

[43:39] Hey, they won't know it's you.

[43:41] Stop being the character you are.

[43:43] Hey, Riddler, you don't have to leave a riddle

[43:47] that leads people to the scene of the crime.

[43:49] You just not do that.

[43:50] Are you guys auditioning

[43:51] for like an Arkham Asylum therapist job?

[43:54] I guess so.

[43:56] A therapist that help criminals be better criminals,

[43:59] I guess?

[44:01] Calendar Man, I know you love calendars.

[44:04] Maybe just commit crimes and collect calendars.

[44:09] Clock King, what's with all the clocks?

[44:11] Is he a Batman villain?

[44:12] I don't even know.

[44:12] Yes, he is.

[44:13] I would turn to him and go, Clock King,

[44:14] same basic advice that you have to Calendar Man.

[44:17] Kite Man, same basic advice,

[44:19] but with kites instead of calendars and clocks.

[44:21] Joker.

[44:22] Really, let's just do a blanket one here.

[44:25] As long as we're doing group therapy,

[44:27] anyone with a theme.

[44:29] Maybe not.

[44:30] Maybe just don't give into that theme.

[44:33] And Killer Croc is like, what about me?

[44:34] I can't make that choice.

[44:35] You're right, Killer Croc.

[44:36] I gotta understand.

[44:37] Killer Croc.

[44:38] Killer Croc is a different character.

[44:40] Killer Croc, drop the clock theme.

[44:42] Killer Croc, that's me having to check my privilege.

[44:45] You're right.

[44:46] It's easy for me to commit any crime I want.

[44:47] I'm not a crocodile man.

[44:49] But you are, and that's your burden to carry.

[44:52] And I apologize.

[44:52] Killer Croc's like, well, I appreciate that you said that.

[44:55] Yeah, he's a good therapist.

[44:56] Yeah, yeah.

[44:57] Well, I don't know about a good therapist.

[45:00] Firebug.

[45:02] Maybe just don't light fires.

[45:03] Yeah, because a good therapist

[45:05] just tells people what to do.

[45:08] That's what I want out of my fucking therapist.

[45:10] That's what my therapist never would do.

[45:13] They just ask you questions.

[45:14] Yeah, he just wanted me to fucking talk.

[45:16] What good is that?

[45:17] I mean.

[45:18] They're like, listen to the podcast, dude.

[45:21] At least so many of you hired a therapist

[45:23] and you just sent him the link to the website

[45:25] and you're like, listen to this,

[45:26] then tell me what I should do.

[45:27] Tell me what my fucking problem is, dude.

[45:28] And he's like, I'm gonna have to bill you

[45:29] for over 300 hours of therapy.

[45:33] And you're like, whoo-hoo.

[45:36] Well, I'm gonna have to bill you

[45:38] for 300 hours of free entertainment.

[45:40] So I guess we're even.

[45:42] Therapist, checkmate.

[45:44] Dan, I think you shouldn't hire a therapist

[45:46] based on the people you play chess with in the park.

[45:51] I guess what I'm saying is Batman villains

[45:53] just kind of like give it a rest.

[45:55] Anyway, so Phil is arrested by the FBI.

[46:00] Edwards blows up at Joel McHale

[46:02] and tries to fight him and she gets suspended.

[46:04] Bubbles, Philip's secretary, Maya Rudolph,

[46:06] she's so enamored of him,

[46:08] she's gonna help Edwards go to Sandra's apartment,

[46:11] because Bubbles is in a fling with Sandra,

[46:12] and find, basically, when they unlock the door,

[46:15] a secret happy time murder evidence dungeon.

[46:17] It's all there.

[46:19] The whole thing is there.

[46:20] All the clues, it's all they need.

[46:22] But then they trip a trap and it all burns down,

[46:25] which is the weirdest mind freak of the whole thing

[46:28] that Sandra's like, I gotta make them know

[46:30] I got away with it.

[46:32] So I'm gonna show them all the evidence

[46:34] and then have it burn in front of them.

[46:35] So they sound, I guess, like crazy people?

[46:38] Yeah, she's gaslighting them for their inheritance.

[46:42] I guess so, but we learn.

[46:44] This is why it's important she has purple hair down there,

[46:47] is because the daughter of the man

[46:48] that he accidentally killed years ago

[46:50] had purple hair up there.

[46:52] That's right, guys.

[46:53] She's the grown daughter of the man

[46:55] Phil accidentally killed

[46:57] when he didn't kill that bad guy puppet.

[46:59] Oh no!

[47:01] So here's the question at this point.

[47:02] Wait, he had sex with her?

[47:03] Yes.

[47:04] That's the grossest part, is that she like,

[47:08] there was no, and as the movie goes on,

[47:09] you're like, why did she have sex with him again?

[47:12] Like, there's no reason.

[47:14] It was to cement the idea that they were having an affair

[47:18] to frame him, I believe.

[47:21] I asked the same question.

[47:23] And this was the answer I was given.

[47:24] Why did they have all that jizz, Dan?

[47:28] The jizz was extra.

[47:30] Like guacamole, it was extra.

[47:34] I don't know why that upset people so much.

[47:37] To be honest, Dan, I don't know why either.

[47:40] I know what I'll be talking to my therapist about.

[47:43] Why was that the most upsetting moment of the night?

[47:44] Okay, so basically Edwards is like, we gotta save Phillips.

[47:47] She goes in, she shoots Phillips.

[47:49] She's allowed to meet with Phillips

[47:51] in an interrogation room, the two of them,

[47:52] which is not how guests are usually allowed

[47:54] to talk to prisoners, with no supervision,

[47:56] just in a room together.

[47:57] And she shoots him so they can escape in an ambulance.

[47:59] Phillips confronts Sandra as if she's about to get

[48:01] on a plane to fly to Papavania, I don't know,

[48:04] somewhere where puppets are free.

[48:06] We gotta make a, before this,

[48:07] he has handcuffed Melissa McCarthy

[48:10] to the steering wheel of the car

[48:12] because he wants to protect her.

[48:14] Moving on.

[48:15] Okay, fair, good, okay, great.

[48:17] Oh, thank God you told me that.

[48:18] Oh, yeah.

[48:20] And she says, hey, I like killing, it turns out,

[48:23] so thank you, and now I have all this money.

[48:25] And she got all the Happy Times syndication money.

[48:27] Why is that?

[48:28] Because Jenny's alive and she's still with her.

[48:30] So I guess they are married?

[48:32] Yeah, yeah.

[48:33] It wasn't all a lie.

[48:34] I guess, it's very weird that that's the one thing

[48:37] in it that's like true, but I don't know.

[48:39] Anyway, but she also, then Sandra betrays Jenny

[48:43] for reasons I don't remember because at that point

[48:45] I was really losing interest in what was going on.

[48:47] Does she shoot her or just trip her?

[48:49] Or she smacks her?

[48:50] Yeah, with some luggage.

[48:51] But, okay, so why does she do that?

[48:53] When she's about to escape?

[48:55] Because Elizabeth Banks is like soft on her old boyfriend.

[48:59] So she's like, well, we don't have to shoot him.

[49:01] And she's got a taste for killing.

[49:02] Yeah.

[49:03] Okay, fair point.

[49:04] It's an airtight movie, nevermind.

[49:06] And Phil gets taken away by Sandra's goons, which exist

[49:12] and were never introduced in the movie before,

[49:13] but she has a team of henchmen, I guess.

[49:16] And they're about to throw Phil

[49:17] into a jet turbine of a plane,

[49:19] effectively taking that plane out of commission.

[49:21] Now, here's a true story.

[49:23] A few days ago, I flew in from Los Angeles to New York

[49:25] and the plane I was in was hit by a bolt of lightning.

[49:28] Now, I can only imagine, we were okay.

[49:30] I'm alive.

[49:31] It's okay.

[49:32] This is not the moment where I reveal him.

[49:34] Did you hit God?

[49:35] I reveal him a ghost and Dan goes, what a great trick.

[49:37] And I go, yeah, but I can only do it once.

[49:39] And then I fade away.

[49:40] Disappears.

[49:41] Yeah.

[49:42] So I can only imagine how,

[49:44] and they made us turn around and get a new plane,

[49:46] which was very frustrating.

[49:48] Not as frustrating as being dead, but you know what I mean?

[49:50] I can only imagine how they'd have to get a new plane

[49:52] if a puppet got all clogged up in there.

[49:55] They're asking for a miracle on the Hudson, Dan.

[49:56] I guess this is what I'm saying.

[49:59] But Edwards.

[50:00] Goes up, she has used her superhuman,

[50:03] or I guess she's fighting puppets mostly,

[50:04] so regular human strength,

[50:06] to rip the steering wheel off the car,

[50:08] so handcuffed to her,

[50:08] she fights all the henchmen and saves Phil,

[50:12] but Sandra gets the drop on her,

[50:14] and Phil has to make the shot

[50:16] that he failed to make years ago,

[50:17] and shoots Sandra in the head, killing her.

[50:20] Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

[50:23] So, and I was, I watched that and I'm like,

[50:25] so am I supposed to be, wait a minute,

[50:27] so he accidentally murdered her father,

[50:29] and now he killed her.

[50:30] The circle is closed.

[50:33] The bloodline has been stubbed.

[50:36] I was like, am I supposed to be having fun right now?

[50:41] Phil asks Bubbles out on a date,

[50:43] she's delighted, it's been clear

[50:44] she's been sweet on him the whole time,

[50:45] because 40s detective secretaries

[50:48] are always sweet on the detectives.

[50:48] And he looks like a blue Dick Miller.

[50:51] And who wouldn't want to date

[50:52] a blue, soft, short Dick Miller,

[50:55] who walks like his legs are just kinda hanging from him.

[50:59] Then the lieutenant comes over and he's like,

[51:00] Phil, you're back on the force,

[51:01] which is the kind of thing you'd think

[51:02] you'd need to go through an approval process to do.

[51:05] Joel McHale goes, I'm going back to the FBI,

[51:08] and they call him an asshole,

[51:09] and leaving me again with the question of like,

[51:11] what, why was he in the movie?

[51:13] And then there's a inexplicable music video

[51:16] for I Want Candy, featuring the characters from the film,

[51:20] and showing behind the scenes footage of the movie,

[51:22] which as we already covered,

[51:23] much more entertaining than the movie.

[51:26] And that's the tale of the Happytime Murders.

[51:29] It's...

[51:32] It seems we've closed the case file

[51:34] of the Happytime Murders.

[51:42] Hey gang, Jesse here, the founder of Maximum Fun,

[51:45] and with me is Stacey Molsky,

[51:47] who is, among other things,

[51:48] the lady who responds to all of your tweets.

[51:51] Hi everyone, I also send you newsletters.

[51:53] So anyway, something really awesome.

[51:56] You, MaxFun listeners, have given us the chance

[51:59] to do something really cool

[52:01] on behalf of our entire community,

[52:03] and we wanted to tell you about it.

[52:04] Last summer, following the MaxFun drive,

[52:06] we put all of the enamel pins on sale

[52:08] to $10 and up members,

[52:09] with proceeds going to the

[52:10] National Casa GAL Association for Children.

[52:13] Your generous support and enthusiasm

[52:16] raised over $100,000.

[52:20] Our bookkeeper, Steph, would be quick to tell me

[52:22] the exact total is $109,025, to be exact.

[52:28] Your money will go toward pairing kids

[52:30] who've experienced abuse or neglect

[52:32] with court-appointed advocates

[52:33] or guardian ad litem volunteers.

[52:35] In other words, kids in tough spots

[52:37] will have somebody in their corner.

[52:39] Knowledgeable grownups who are on their team

[52:42] through court dates and life upheavals

[52:44] and confusing situations, whatever.

[52:46] The money we raised together

[52:47] is going to help a lot of kids.

[52:49] Whether you bought pins or not,

[52:51] you can help us build on that $109,000 foundation.

[52:56] Make a donation to support National Casa GAL

[53:00] and help some of our nation's most vulnerable children

[53:03] at MaximumFun.org slash C-A-S-A.

[53:08] That's MaximumFun.org slash Casa.

[53:11] And seriously, thank you.

[53:13] Our community rules.

[53:14] Hi, I'm Jo Firestone.

[53:15] And I'm Manolo Moreno.

[53:16] And we're the hosts of Dr. Game Show,

[53:18] which is a podcast where we play games

[53:20] submitted by listeners regardless of quality or content

[53:23] with in-studio guests and callers from all over the world.

[53:26] And you can win a custom magnet.

[53:28] A custom magnet.

[53:29] Subscribe now to make sure you get our next episode.

[53:31] What's an example of a game, Manolo?

[53:33] Pokemon or medication.

[53:35] How do you play that?

[53:36] You have to guess if something's a Pokemon

[53:38] or a medicine.

[53:39] I'm Manolo Moreno.

[53:39] And I'm Jo Firestone.

[53:40] And I'm Manolo Moreno.

[53:42] You have to guess if something's a Pokemon name

[53:44] or a medication.

[53:47] First time listener,

[53:48] if you want to listen to episode highlights

[53:50] and also know how to participate,

[53:52] follow Dr. Game Show on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

[53:55] We'd love to hear from you.

[53:56] Yeah, it's really fun.

[53:57] For the whole family.

[53:59] We'll be every other Wednesday starting March 13th.

[54:01] And we're coming to MaxFun.

[54:03] Snorlax.

[54:04] Pokemon?

[54:05] Yes.

[54:05] Nice.

[54:06] Hey, you goobers.

[54:09] You guys had two great episodes of new movies in theaters.

[54:15] And now, after those treats for the beginning of the year,

[54:20] you get this trick of me, Dan McCoy,

[54:24] doing another solo ad read.

[54:26] I hope you think about what you've done.

[54:30] Hey, there's only one sponsor this fine day,

[54:35] and it's Squarespace.

[54:37] Squarespace, you all know what it is.

[54:39] You make websites with it.

[54:41] Everyone needs one these days.

[54:43] That's what they tell me.

[54:44] I'm old.

[54:45] Things you can do with Squarespace.

[54:47] You can create a beautiful website

[54:49] to turn your cool idea into a website.

[54:53] That seems redundant.

[54:54] Blog or publish content.

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[55:00] Whatever your heart desires.

[55:04] People using Squarespace include architects,

[55:07] creative consultants, wedding professionals,

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[55:16] There's, you know, what, why?

[55:18] Why a list?

[55:19] Everyone uses a website these days.

[55:21] That's the point I started the ad with.

[55:24] Hey, Squarespace allows you to do this

[55:26] by giving you beautiful, customizable templates

[55:30] created by world-class designers.

[55:32] Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box.

[55:35] A new way to buy domains

[55:37] and choose from over 200 extensions,

[55:40] free and secure hosting, and 24-7 support.

[55:45] Hey there.

[55:46] Head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[55:52] And when you're ready to launch,

[55:54] use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off

[55:58] your first purchase of a website or domain.

[56:01] And now I return you to the live show

[56:04] that we've kept in the flop house vault up until now,

[56:08] until you were slavering with desire to hear it

[56:12] and or forgot we ever did this movie.

[56:15] Thanks, guys.

[56:17] Okay, so we should get to audience questions,

[56:19] but real quick, what we do now

[56:21] is we do final judgments on the movie,

[56:23] whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[56:26] or a movie we kind of liked.

[56:28] Elliot, what do you have to say about it?

[56:29] On a technical level of puppeteering,

[56:32] this is an amazing movie,

[56:35] but on every other level, I'm gonna have to go bad, bad

[56:38] and apologize to the people who worked so hard

[56:40] to bring to life these stupid moments.

[56:45] Stupid moments, the precious moments offshoot.

[56:51] It's like a little kid going like,

[56:52] will this fit in an electric socket?

[56:55] Just a ceramic of that.

[57:00] What I'll say about this movie,

[57:02] like technically this movie is great, as you said.

[57:05] I would say on a-

[57:06] Technically great, raves Dan McCoy.

[57:09] Put it on the box.

[57:10] On an acting level, like everyone is doing their best.

[57:14] Like it's a talented cast doing their best.

[57:15] Everybody's having fun.

[57:17] Well, I would say that like the lead puppeteer

[57:22] is a long time puppeteer

[57:24] and he does a great job as the lead.

[57:27] Yeah, that puppet has star potential.

[57:29] I would say for the first 45 minutes,

[57:32] I don't want to disappoint you.

[57:34] I kind of liked the movie.

[57:35] Dan, you disappointed me in so many ways in your life.

[57:38] Why stop now?

[57:39] For the first 45, I kind of liked it.

[57:41] I was like, the puppeteering's good

[57:42] as long as they're not doing the same fucking joke

[57:45] of like, oh, a puppet's doing a dirty thing.

[57:47] Like when they're not doing that joke,

[57:49] but other jokes, I was like, this is kind of funny.

[57:51] There's a few funny jokes in it.

[57:52] Yeah, but then it got boring.

[57:54] Then it got boring.

[57:56] I don't know, mixed, kind of like, bad, bad.

[57:58] I don't know where I'm at with this.

[57:59] Stuart?

[58:01] Yeah, for like a gritty LA neo-noir,

[58:04] it doesn't really succeed.

[58:06] Not up to Chinatown, so Stuart Wilmington.

[58:11] You have to admit, LA is a character in the film.

[58:14] Yeah, now it's, yeah, I mean, it's basically

[58:17] Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but dirtier and with puppets

[58:22] and not very good.

[58:25] There's no weasel gang.

[58:27] No, it's a-

[58:29] Every movie, Stuart first judges it

[58:31] on whether there's a weasel gang.

[58:32] How many weasels are in it?

[58:34] And it's gotta be the full weasel gang,

[58:35] even with the crazy guy with the razor blade.

[58:39] He's scary.

[58:42] So yeah, I mean, this is a, I think this is a bad, bad movie.

[58:46] There's parts of it that I genuinely laughed at.

[58:49] Like, I think there's, we've watched a lot of bad comedies

[58:51] for the show, and I laughed more during this

[58:54] than I did for any of them.

[58:56] I think if I was watching this with other people,

[58:58] there might've been parts where I was,

[58:59] where I felt light enough to laugh at.

[59:01] But watching it by yourself, as with any comedy,

[59:03] it suffers a little bit.

[59:05] Hoping desperately that your child doesn't wake up

[59:07] and glimpse any moment of it.

[59:09] Dada, dada, why do the puppets do dirty things?

[59:14] Dada, how much jizz does a puppet have inside it?

[59:18] And I'm like, how do you know that word?

[59:20] You're like, well, scientists disagree.

[59:25] So were we given what, happy time murders,

[59:27] like a thanks for trying?

[59:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[59:29] You know, everybody worked really hard.

[59:33] Yeah, you know, guys, everybody poops.

[59:38] So now what do we do, Dan?

[59:40] Now let's take, let's talk to the audience

[59:42] for a little while.

[59:43] Sure, yeah, yeah, let's wrap.

[59:44] 15, 20 minutes, I don't know, whatever.

[59:45] 15, 20 minutes.

[59:48] Hey, Dan's at that time of night.

[59:49] It's loosey-goosey time, who knows how much?

[59:52] Dan's like 15, 20, 30, 100, I don't know.

[59:56] So we have a, we have a, oh.

[59:59] I was dry.

[1:00:00] January and I've started drinking again, so who knows what's gonna happen? Oh boy, so we have a microphone here

[1:00:06] If you don't mind getting in line the microphones

[1:00:09] I don't know if the microphones on the side of the stage work. I think the center one might be the only one

[1:00:15] We're getting yes in our mic so you'll have to go to them. Yeah, that one's not turn on

[1:00:19] Oh, that's just an audience background mic or something look. It's the center microphone the center microphone

[1:00:25] Apologies to anyone who's

[1:00:28] The other center microphone the side microphone are only to pick up your delightful apps

[1:00:34] So anyway, there's something I like to say before we ask questions. Oh my god. Let's have fun everybody first question

[1:00:44] Hello

[1:00:46] So since the happytime murders didn't bother to explain the actual

[1:00:50] Origins of why their world is the way it is if you could come up with the back story for why?

[1:00:55] Humans and puppets live together in this world. What would it be I?

[1:01:00] Guess what your pedo had sex with a puppet

[1:01:03] There has I feel like there has to be some kind of an evil force and they have to make some kind of a binding

[1:01:09] pact at some point and

[1:01:11] It has to there has to be mountains and a lot of swords

[1:01:16] I think I think it should happen Meg style and

[1:01:20] rain, Wilson should fund a

[1:01:22] Project that goes to the bottom of the ocean and breaks the thermal barrier and then a bunch of puppets come out

[1:01:28] What if it's like if it's like ten years ago the spaceship landed puppets came out now

[1:01:33] They're just a part of our world and we got to deal with it

[1:01:36] And then it's like bam bam bam bam bam bam and like a sweeping shot of like the puppet neighborhood

[1:01:41] There's like a human cop who's like puppets. I got to deal all these puppets. Here's your partner

[1:01:46] It's a I guess that's the movie. You know, that's forget it

[1:01:49] Thank you very much. Yeah, so take your pick any of those

[1:01:54] Hello Jeremy

[1:01:58] So first off let me just say that currently the Facebook group loves your belt buckle. Oh, thank you very much

[1:02:05] Real-time update. Yes, let me get next to his crotch to describe it

[1:02:09] It's a it's a the Statue of Liberty it says 1886

[1:02:14] It's from the centennial of the Statue of Liberty and it's my way of saying one

[1:02:18] I love big belt buckles to I love I love artifacts that are not of the original thing

[1:02:22] But of the commemoration of the thing and also hey, this country is built on immigrants dude, like let him in. Okay anyway, so

[1:02:29] Yeah, okay, Jeremy. So let me get off my soapbox, but I'd like to stay on it because I'm very short

[1:02:36] And as a man who is shorter than you yeah, keep talking

[1:02:43] Oh, that's funny for everybody in the audience, but not for the listener

[1:02:47] Right. So you had said that you felt like this movie was a remake a poor remake of a better

[1:02:56] Noir movie. Mm-hmm. I wonder what other especially for you Elliot who are a fan of a

[1:03:04] Earlier

[1:03:06] Let's just call them oldies

[1:03:08] Yeah, let's call them old black-and-white flicker nobody that you yeah, nobody else watches or cares about. Yeah

[1:03:15] What would you like to see remade as a puppet movie? I

[1:03:21] Mean that the implication of this question is that I would like to see any movie remade as a puppet

[1:03:27] Uh

[1:03:29] What if it was King Kong, but it's a real gorilla and it's puppet people I

[1:03:35] Love it. Hey, hey

[1:03:40] $700,000 with that freaks of minds

[1:03:44] My mind is I don't know King Kong. Let's say great movie very problematic. Let's make a new one. That's not quite so

[1:03:51] Hi, I'm Mary Beth. Hello

[1:03:53] So I wanted to ask a question about

[1:03:57] this movie in particular because I'm kind of a big fan of Avenue Q and

[1:04:02] I kind of wondering if you like think that there's a line between like good and bad use of like mixing something that's

[1:04:09] Considered like a childish medium like puppets or animation and then like adult content like you mentioned who friend Roger Rabbit as well

[1:04:17] so I was wondering what's like the line between like

[1:04:21] Something like the happy time murders and then like something like who from Roger Rabbit or Avenue Q

[1:04:27] Well, I mentioned and we tell agents and wits

[1:04:31] Sorry, go on sir. No, I was just I was just I was just doing a I was doing a call back to

[1:04:36] Dan stepped on it

[1:04:46] I'll answer this one then. Okay, so I

[1:04:49] Think the difference is if the movie is about something other than

[1:04:53] We're seeing childish things doing non childish things like

[1:04:57] Who framed Roger Rabbit is very much is very much steeped in LA history in a way the other movies are not

[1:05:02] Avenue Q is more about living in New York as a young person who has no money

[1:05:06] Like this movie is just about puppets having sex with each other. So I'm like cursing a lot

[1:05:11] So doesn't really say anything about anything else. I have no answer, but I'm gonna pull on an Elliot and do a little name-drop

[1:05:20] For the Daily Show we had

[1:05:22] Stephanie DiBruggio come in who was the original Kate monster for Avenue Q and does stuff for Sesame Street is Prairie Dawn right now

[1:05:31] To do a bit

[1:05:33] Delightful super delightful her husband listens to the Flophouse brought me a Muppets book. Oh, cool. That's really nice. Super great

[1:05:41] So that's a great. So if you wanted conflicts from that story

[1:05:46] None will be no conflicts. Just happiness. Nope the absence of drama

[1:05:53] Do you have anything to say sir the thing that I stepped on no, I'll get the next one

[1:06:00] Thank you for the pleasure, thank you for being here next question. Hi guys, I'm Matthew. Hey. Oh, so the lead

[1:06:08] Puppet Muppet, whatever properly call this Phil Phillips detective Phil Phillips, right? Yeah in Philip Phillips

[1:06:14] We have to say right miss mr. P not master P. That is a rapper

[1:06:19] In the Muppets take Manhattan Kermit gets hit by a car. He loses his memory

[1:06:24] He ends up at an advertising agency. They ask him what his name is

[1:06:28] He looks at an advert and he says his name is Philip Phil

[1:06:32] Just the inverse. This is a brilliant movie. Never mind

[1:06:38] My question is there are only three possibilities I thought of us why that's such it's just simply the inverse

[1:06:45] For for the name is it simply Brian Henson's like wink back to his father's movie?

[1:06:52] Brian Henson is so lazy that he couldn't think of any other thing except Phil Phil Phil Phil Phil no comment or

[1:07:00] Esoterically is he saying that this movie is actually a creation of the darkest most

[1:07:07] perverted parts of Kermit the Frog psyche Oh

[1:07:11] So it's like saying elsewhere kind of well in terms of Kermit the Frog and how he's identified

[1:07:17] The one of the things that he's most identified is is that he's in constantly in an interspecies relationship

[1:07:23] He's defined in a way sexually

[1:07:26] All right

[1:07:28] Here's my theory my theory is that he forgot the joke from the Muppets take Manhattan

[1:07:35] That's my theory. Okay, because to him my guess is that I mean he's he's kind of chef

[1:07:40] He's been shepherding his dad's legacy for a long time

[1:07:42] But when you are close to the creation of a thing

[1:07:45] It doesn't have the sacred quality that it has to other people

[1:07:47] So I would doubt that he knows Muppet chapter and verse quite the same way

[1:07:51] It's the same way that old mystery science theater. I would ask Joel Hodgson. I'll name-drop a little bit

[1:07:56] I'd ask me about stuff on that show and he'd be like, I don't know man

[1:07:58] I don't remember and I'd be like you can't remember this thing

[1:08:00] But if people ask me of the news new version, which I just worked on I'd be like, I don't know

[1:08:04] I don't remember that like it's it's like the way that uh

[1:08:08] People think about Star Wars and they're like this is probably the modern religion and when George Lucas thinks about stars

[1:08:14] He's like that story. I made up about a robot and a boy like I don't know

[1:08:19] Well, let's just take this opportunity to remember how funny it is when currents like how about

[1:08:24] Ocean breeze so it makes you clean. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good movie. Let's go home and watch it instead of this movie

[1:08:31] Do you remember there was that there's that scene when Kermit's like it's it's not a carousel. It's a time machine

[1:08:38] You know, you know Fozzie, uh, the Greeks have a word nostalgia it means the the pain of an old wound

[1:08:48] Thank you very much, thanks. Oh

[1:08:51] I want to do that all night. My wife's gonna be so mad that that was wet in my head now

[1:08:55] Hello, Marissa. I'm gonna do this with everyone. I know Dan just we know, you know people

[1:09:00] Hi, this is really tall, okay

[1:09:03] So my question is do you feel there's an appropriate satirical way to address race in movies?

[1:09:11] blazing saddles

[1:09:13] exists, but I'm more yeah, but I'm more curious as to why we haven't been able to develop that in the 21st century and like

[1:09:21] What and in this scenario I posit that

[1:09:26] Get out is a horror movie

[1:09:28] So I'm just curious as to like do you feel there's a way to address this because we've talked about it in the happy time

[1:09:33] Murders you talked about it in bright and it's fun been done. So very poorly

[1:09:38] I mean, I think sorry you're a very sensitive white man. Why don't you I am? Well, I am very sensitive

[1:09:43] I'm almost constantly on the verge of tears, but I think sorry to bother you handles it

[1:09:48] Well, and I think but I think that what here's the big issue and I'm gonna be stepping in a minefield here folks

[1:09:53] Some say a mind freak, but I wouldn't say that I'm asking like three white dudes. Well, that's I think well, here's the thing

[1:10:00] I think for the longest time, cue Billy Joel song,

[1:10:02] that these satires about race have been in the hands

[1:10:06] of people who did not experience that racism,

[1:10:08] but people who were observing it.

[1:10:09] And so you had, like Mel Brooks, as much as I love him,

[1:10:12] I think he's hilarious, and he had, you know,

[1:10:14] Richard Pryor working on the script for Blazing Saddles,

[1:10:16] like he is not a black man.

[1:10:18] And so it inevitably is gonna be his impression

[1:10:20] of what black people must go through.

[1:10:22] And so like, to really have satire that stings,

[1:10:26] I think it helps to feel that sting

[1:10:28] and not to just observe that sting.

[1:10:30] But also like, it's super tough,

[1:10:32] and satire, I've come to believe is pointless

[1:10:34] and has no impact on anything, and has no effect at all.

[1:10:37] Former head writer for the Daily Show.

[1:10:40] I've become a real apostate in thinking

[1:10:43] that satire mainly serves to make people go like,

[1:10:45] yeah, that is right, I do believe in that.

[1:10:47] And I don't know that anyone ever watched Blazing Saddles

[1:10:49] and was like, I should stop being a racist.

[1:10:51] Like, this is crazy.

[1:10:52] So, but I think that, but honestly,

[1:10:54] I think that's part of it, is that for so long,

[1:10:56] the means of making those things

[1:10:58] have always been in the hands of people

[1:10:59] who were commenting on something

[1:11:00] they were not themselves experiencing.

[1:11:02] And so there's always that distance there.

[1:11:03] You're saying the workers should seize

[1:11:04] the means of production.

[1:11:06] Uh, I mean, basic, I mean,

[1:11:10] they shouldn't seize the means of production.

[1:11:11] They already have control of the means of production.

[1:11:13] They merely have to exercise that control.

[1:11:17] So.

[1:11:18] Is that point two in your PowerPoint?

[1:11:21] My 14 points of power, yeah.

[1:11:24] I think that's a reference to something

[1:11:25] that happened before the show started recording.

[1:11:28] But yeah, so, but yeah, but that's my answer.

[1:11:30] Guys, what do you think?

[1:11:31] I don't think I can say it any more eloquently than that,

[1:11:33] so I'm gonna push.

[1:11:34] But I think a lot of people are like,

[1:11:36] why wasn't a movie like Get Out made before?

[1:11:38] And it's like, well, because someone who felt that

[1:11:40] was not making movies yet, you know,

[1:11:41] through the mainstream studio system.

[1:11:43] So what are you gonna do?

[1:11:44] I guess what you're gonna do is.

[1:11:45] Elliot speaks my mind on this.

[1:11:47] Yeah.

[1:11:48] And also.

[1:11:49] Unless he said something dumb,

[1:11:50] in which case I distance myself.

[1:11:52] Like a true coward.

[1:11:55] So things to remember.

[1:11:58] Workers seize control of the means of production.

[1:12:00] Yes.

[1:12:01] Racism, no thank you.

[1:12:05] More people doing more stuff.

[1:12:06] And you know, Popeye's forever.

[1:12:09] Hi, Jeff, last name Othell.

[1:12:11] Hi, Jeff.

[1:12:12] Very excited to be here.

[1:12:13] And I would say that for the first time

[1:12:16] being in an audience here,

[1:12:17] I speak for the audience in that.

[1:12:21] Wow.

[1:12:22] You threw a lot of balls on Jeff.

[1:12:24] Okay, guys, this is the third of the 14 points of power.

[1:12:27] In that, if the workers are not seizing control

[1:12:30] of the means of production, you do it.

[1:12:33] In that what I'm most excited about

[1:12:35] is the Dan's solo ad read for this episode.

[1:12:38] Oh, yeah.

[1:12:38] Okay, yeah.

[1:12:42] As it has been described, a descent into madness.

[1:12:45] Yes.

[1:12:47] Also, I've heard you, Dan, say that the live episodes

[1:12:51] are less popular, and I think that might be

[1:12:53] because of a lack of Elliot's singing.

[1:12:56] Oh.

[1:12:58] I don't know, I mean, like, he didn't do it tonight,

[1:13:01] but he usually does, actually.

[1:13:03] No, well, but my singing in front of live audiences

[1:13:05] is not quite the same, because I can feel the power

[1:13:08] of a whole roomful of people not enjoying it.

[1:13:11] And I like the feeling of you guys,

[1:13:13] you two not enjoying it.

[1:13:15] But there's like, I haven't gotten there yet

[1:13:17] as a comedy performer where I love to waste

[1:13:19] a whole roomful of people's time.

[1:13:21] Like, Norm MacDonald is at this place

[1:13:23] where he can waste hundreds of people's time

[1:13:26] and derive real pleasure from it.

[1:13:27] And I'm like, I don't, I guess I have too much

[1:13:30] human emotion in me, I don't know, like.

[1:13:32] Well, I do have a very specific request,

[1:13:34] which is Horse Meets Dog.

[1:13:36] Thank you, out now, stores everywhere.

[1:13:39] Horse Meets Dog by me and Tim Miller.

[1:13:41] Buy it at your local independent bookseller.

[1:13:42] I'm very excited to share it with my daughter.

[1:13:44] Oh, thank you.

[1:13:46] And I was wondering if you could share with us

[1:13:49] a teaser of the opening number

[1:13:51] of the Broadway musical, Horse Meets Dog.

[1:13:55] Oh, okay.

[1:13:57] Well, there you go.

[1:14:00] I'll take my answer offline.

[1:14:00] Okay, thank you.

[1:14:01] As you know, if you've read the book,

[1:14:02] which you should have, it opens with a dog seeing a horse.

[1:14:06] So.

[1:14:07] As all classic plots do.

[1:14:08] Okay, you'd think you would open with a I'm A Dog song.

[1:14:12] No, you gotta, come on, you gotta start

[1:14:14] with when the action has already started.

[1:14:15] That's writing 101.

[1:14:16] You start as late as possible.

[1:14:17] So it'd be like, hey, hey, what's that over there?

[1:14:23] Hey, what's that guy over there?

[1:14:25] He's so big, bigger than any dog I've ever seen.

[1:14:32] What kind of dog could be so big?

[1:14:35] What kind of dog could fill the skies?

[1:14:38] What kind of dog could reach above my dreams?

[1:14:43] I gotta talk to that dog.

[1:14:46] I gotta find out what makes dogs so big sometimes.

[1:14:52] I gotta talk to that dog and see

[1:14:55] maybe if I can climb the highest heights.

[1:14:58] And so they go like that, yeah.

[1:15:00] So that's the opening line.

[1:15:01] Oh, thank you.

[1:15:05] I think that, I think we can actually make it

[1:15:08] through the entire line,

[1:15:08] but we've gotta speed up a little bit, so.

[1:15:10] Okay, so lightning rounds.

[1:15:12] Yeah, all right.

[1:15:12] Hey, guys.

[1:15:13] We're the O'Brien's Last Name Withheld,

[1:15:16] and we came from Texas to ask you,

[1:15:18] so appropriately, woo, all right.

[1:15:22] We've been working our way

[1:15:23] through the Puppet Master series.

[1:15:26] Sure, sure.

[1:15:26] Very different puppet movies.

[1:15:28] Very.

[1:15:34] More fun.

[1:15:35] And in the second Puppet Master movie,

[1:15:38] The Puppet Master, Andre Toulon,

[1:15:40] we realized sounds exactly like Thomas Hardy

[1:15:43] doing Bane in Dark Knight Rises.

[1:15:46] And we, yeah, it's crazy,

[1:15:49] but we went on Google and looked it up,

[1:15:51] and we're like, no one has recognized this before.

[1:15:54] So we're asking, have you done that

[1:15:56] where you're like so sure

[1:15:58] that something had to be what happened,

[1:16:01] like Thomas Hardy watched that?

[1:16:02] With Tom Hardy in an interview

[1:16:03] while holding some beautiful rescue dog.

[1:16:06] Yeah.

[1:16:07] Explains that he got the inspiration

[1:16:08] for the character voice of Bane

[1:16:10] in the Batman movie was Puppet Master 2.

[1:16:16] Okay.

[1:16:17] I don't have a good one.

[1:16:19] The closest I have is in Galaxy Quest,

[1:16:24] Sam Rockwell's character complains to the entire movie,

[1:16:28] like he was in one episode, he got killed.

[1:16:30] And then he, at the end of the show,

[1:16:32] he's, at the end of the movie,

[1:16:33] he's on the new show when they bring it back,

[1:16:36] Next Generation style,

[1:16:37] but he's got a red outfit.

[1:16:40] And so I'm like, oh, they're making a joke about red shirts.

[1:16:44] Like he's going to die again in the new show.

[1:16:47] Okay.

[1:16:48] And I remember like back in the day,

[1:16:49] Roger Ebert had a questions

[1:16:51] for the movie Answer Man column.

[1:16:53] Yeah.

[1:16:54] And I like sent in, I'm like,

[1:16:55] hey, do you think that this is a joke about red shirts?

[1:17:00] He did not publish that letter.

[1:17:03] A waste.

[1:17:04] But he did send me a email back saying,

[1:17:08] maybe you're right.

[1:17:14] So that's the best I've got.

[1:17:16] Anyone else?

[1:17:17] It's almost like he's telling you

[1:17:18] that you should do a career as a movie critic.

[1:17:23] Ellie, you look like you might have something.

[1:17:25] You don't, you're shaking your head.

[1:17:27] I've never had an original thought.

[1:17:28] No.

[1:17:29] Okay.

[1:17:30] Sorry, I'm distracted thinking about you

[1:17:31] slaving over a keyboard.

[1:17:33] So excited as you send off this letter.

[1:17:35] Printing it off.

[1:17:36] I was like 13 or something too.

[1:17:38] I'm amazed I've never heard this story from you before.

[1:17:40] Yeah, I did.

[1:17:41] I mean, you can't be, you couldn't have been 13

[1:17:43] because Galaxy Quest came out when?

[1:17:44] I don't fucking know.

[1:17:46] I was young.

[1:17:47] Wait, they were 13?

[1:17:48] Okay, no, it makes sense, makes sense.

[1:17:49] You were 13 years old.

[1:17:53] Just one more thing.

[1:17:53] Wasn't Galaxy Quest released when I was older than 13

[1:17:57] and I'm younger than you?

[1:17:58] So, you know, so maybe, maybe it wasn't that age.

[1:18:04] Maybe, maybe Galaxy Quest.

[1:18:05] You know what, for the first time in Columbo history,

[1:18:07] you got me, detective.

[1:18:08] Take me away.

[1:18:10] Makes sense, makes sense.

[1:18:13] You did it.

[1:18:14] Just one more question.

[1:18:15] What do I do now at this point?

[1:18:17] We got 20 more minutes of the episode.

[1:18:20] You were supposed to engage

[1:18:21] in a sort of mental cat and mouse game with me.

[1:18:25] Maybe Galaxy Quest just made you feel like you were 13.

[1:18:31] Anyway, let's move on.

[1:18:33] Thank you for that question.

[1:18:35] Hi, I'm Aaron.

[1:18:38] Hello.

[1:18:39] Hi.

[1:18:40] So, Happy Time Murders reminded me a lot

[1:18:42] of another puppet neo-noir, Fraggle Rock.

[1:18:46] So, I was wondering if there was any,

[1:18:50] if you could put any actor who might normally,

[1:18:53] or actress who might normally be

[1:18:54] in that kind of gritty crime story into Fraggle Rock,

[1:18:59] who would it be?

[1:19:01] Michael, Michael Shannon.

[1:19:05] A similar, Richard Widmark,

[1:19:06] the Michael Shannon of the 1940s.

[1:19:10] Carla Gugino?

[1:19:13] All right, fair point.

[1:19:14] Okay, I'll give you that one.

[1:19:15] All right, let's move on.

[1:19:16] Are you saying that the doozers built the highways in L.A.?

[1:19:20] Yeah.

[1:19:21] Yeah, the doozers built the highway

[1:19:23] to take over the water rights.

[1:19:27] Hi, I'm Paul, last name withheld.

[1:19:29] Oh, hey Paul.

[1:19:30] Oh, hey Paul, how are you?

[1:19:31] I have a question for each of you.

[1:19:33] Uh-oh.

[1:19:34] Like individual questions?

[1:19:35] Whether you may each individually answer.

[1:19:37] Oh, thank you for the permission.

[1:19:39] My question is in eight parts.

[1:19:41] No, which Muppet do you wish you were or strive to be?

[1:19:46] And then, which Muppet, if different, are you actually?

[1:19:50] Oh.

[1:19:51] I'll take my answer on the end.

[1:19:53] Oh.

[1:19:54] Am I a Jason or a Chidi?

[1:19:56] Oh.

[1:20:00] Oh, you're not Chidi, you're Jason.

[1:20:03] But just because I'm questioning this,

[1:20:05] doesn't that kind of make me a Chidi?

[1:20:09] I'll start, I'll start, all right.

[1:20:12] I'll start.

[1:20:13] This is a three, this should be a two-part answer.

[1:20:16] It's gonna be a three-part answer.

[1:20:17] Okay, interesting.

[1:20:19] I strive to be a Rolf.

[1:20:21] Okay, fair.

[1:20:23] I am a Kermit.

[1:20:25] What I fear is,

[1:20:29] I was complaining about how much I hate Walter

[1:20:33] in Muppets, because he's such a bullshit, bland character

[1:20:37] that was invented for the movie,

[1:20:38] that took the fucking spotlight off the Muppets

[1:20:41] we all know and love.

[1:20:43] I was complaining about this,

[1:20:44] and Mr. John Hodgman said,

[1:20:46] Dan, you're such a Walter.

[1:20:50] And he's Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, so he's an authority.

[1:20:55] If there's anyone who knows what will cut me

[1:20:59] to the bone most, it's John Hodgman.

[1:21:03] Guys?

[1:21:03] I think I strive to be a Kermit.

[1:21:06] Okay.

[1:21:07] In my heart, I would like to believe

[1:21:08] that I'm actually Fozzie,

[1:21:10] but I know that I am Statler or Waldorf.

[1:21:14] One of a group of friends who sit there

[1:21:16] watching things they hate, when at any moment

[1:21:18] they could stop watching it and just leave.

[1:21:22] And Stuart, we all know who you are, right?

[1:21:26] I mean, I like to think I'm an animal.

[1:21:33] But I'm probably deep down, I'm a scooter.

[1:21:38] Oh, no.

[1:21:39] No, don't say that, don't say that, Stu.

[1:21:41] No one deserves that.

[1:21:43] That's right, Dan.

[1:21:45] I understand.

[1:21:47] That's the one Muppet, when you're watching

[1:21:48] the first Muppet movie, and Scooter shows up,

[1:21:50] you're like, yeah, why are you here?

[1:21:52] Scooter, like, what's?

[1:21:54] Like, he was only in the show originally

[1:21:56] because he was the nephew of the theater owner,

[1:21:58] but they never figured out anything to do with him.

[1:22:00] He's just irritating.

[1:22:02] Yeah.

[1:22:03] Oh, oh, I didn't know there was a bunch

[1:22:05] of fucking scooter heads in the audience tonight.

[1:22:07] I will say, when I was a kid, I wanted to be Gonzo.

[1:22:10] Yeah.

[1:22:12] But then I got older and I realized,

[1:22:15] Gonzo's don't fit in well to human society so well.

[1:22:18] They're too weird.

[1:22:20] All right, final question of the evening.

[1:22:22] Oh, God, it's, oh, it's a racial one.

[1:22:24] Hey, guys, my name's Matt.

[1:22:25] Hey, Matt.

[1:22:27] No direct question to either one of you,

[1:22:29] but I'd love to pick your brains

[1:22:30] about any of your observations you've had tonight.

[1:22:32] Are any of you gonna have a beer

[1:22:34] after the show anywhere tonight?

[1:22:35] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1:22:37] So, thank you for asking, Matthew.

[1:22:39] Sneaking away.

[1:22:40] I smell a plant.

[1:22:42] How do you ever, how do you always manage

[1:22:44] to get in the right place, like?

[1:22:47] So, after the show, we're gonna be out.

[1:22:49] We have some merch and we're gonna be signing stuff

[1:22:52] and saying hi, and if you have any complaints

[1:22:54] about the show, direct them to Dan.

[1:22:56] And then, afterwards, I, and I think I'm gonna drag Dan,

[1:23:00] we're gonna go over to the bar I own called Hinterlands.

[1:23:05] If you wanna come out, I know it's Sunday,

[1:23:07] but we'll be at Hinterlands.

[1:23:08] Elliot will not because he has his family in town.

[1:23:10] I've got a whole lot of stuff to do.

[1:23:13] I got, I guess I would call it promises to keep

[1:23:17] and miles to go before I sleep.

[1:23:18] Okay.

[1:23:19] But these two, these guys.

[1:23:21] I'll be there.

[1:23:22] Even though I have to work tomorrow.

[1:23:25] You know what, Stu, you're the real hero.

[1:23:28] Yeah, fuck off, I gotta get up at a normal time

[1:23:31] to go to a nine to five job.

[1:23:33] Anyway.

[1:23:34] Cool, so, thank you.

[1:23:35] I guess that's all the questions.

[1:23:37] Thanks.

[1:23:38] Ending on a high note, as usual.

[1:23:41] Guys, thank you so much.

[1:23:43] We're so glad that Elliot could be back

[1:23:45] so we could do another show in Brooklyn.

[1:23:46] Oh, my pleasure.

[1:23:48] It's been great.

[1:23:49] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:23:51] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[1:23:53] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:23:55] Dan pointed at me out of order.

[1:23:57] I went the wrong direction.

[1:23:59] Good night, everyone.

[1:24:00] Good night.

[1:24:03] Thank you so much for being here.

[1:24:04] Thanks to everyone at the Bell House.

[1:24:06] We appreciate it.

[1:24:10] Bye.

[1:24:27] A lot of people don't realize

[1:24:28] Dan is auditioning for SNL tomorrow.

[1:24:30] So he's gonna try out a couple characters tonight.

[1:24:35] Give us one of your famous characters.

[1:24:37] Give us one of your famous characters.

[1:24:39] Hee hee hee hee!

[1:24:40] I'm an old prospector!

[1:24:42] Hello!

[1:24:43] Okay, what I like about him is that his body barely moves.

[1:24:47] And I also like that you said who you are right up top.

[1:24:50] Classic SNL move.

[1:24:52] That's a Saturday Night Live special.

[1:24:53] That's how they do it.

Ep. #303 - The Happytime Murders

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