Ep. #305 - Little Italy

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Little Italy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Good thing I watched this movie. I almost forgot about it.

[0:12] Okay.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] Oh, hey guys, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] And hey, it's Elliot Kalin. I was going to be real big and then Stuart came in kind of quiet and contemplative.

[0:52] Kind of low.

Stuart Wellington

[0:53] That's good improv. You're matching his energy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Yeah, they call me the energy matcher.

[0:59] Uh-huh. Is that the improv character we're going to start doing a scene around?

[1:04] Yeah. He's the guy who matches whatever energy he's around.

[1:08] But uh-oh, that means if you lock him in a room with like, I don't know, Josh Gad, he is going to be off the walls.

[1:15] Oh no.

[1:16] But then you put him in a room with, who's real low energy?

[1:19] Stephen Wright.

[1:20] Like Billie Eilish?

[1:21] Yeah, Stephen Wright.

[1:22] Stephen Wright and Billie Eilish.

[1:25] They're finally collaborating.

[1:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] So hey guys, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:31] And we did a contest a while back.

[1:35] We did a contest.

[1:36] Finally getting to the winners.

[1:37] Yep, that's the right verb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] We did a contest.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] So Dan, did we enter the contest?

[1:44] No, okay.

[1:45] We held a contest.

[1:46] Oh, okay.

[1:47] For designers to design new merch for us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50] It was a contest, just to put it into context for the listeners.

[1:54] Contest, contest.

[1:55] It's a similar, similar to like, if you were to go to say an Italian cultural festival.

[2:02] Of course.

[2:02] And there was a contest as to who makes the best pizza.

[2:05] We did something like that, but instead of pizza, it was about podcast related merchandise.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] Yeah.

[2:11] Thank you for that context.

[2:12] It was very useful.

[2:13] And the prize for the contest was you get to pick the movie we're going to watch and talk about.

[2:20] Let me explain the part of the contest that is most applicable to the information we need to provide to the listener.

[2:26] Dan's just deleting emails right now.

Dan McCoy

[2:27] No, I'm trying to find...

[2:30] So the guy who selected this movie gave us a little information about how to...

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] And Dan, I assume as a podcasting professional, you had that queued up ahead of time?

Dan McCoy

[2:43] I do.

[2:43] Well, I did have it queued up, but then he has a unusual last name that I did ask him how to pronounce,

[2:49] and I was trying to find the email where he explained that.

[2:53] But I have it.

[2:54] His name is Scott Yakashin, and he picked a movie called Little Italy.

[3:00] Little Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] Or as my grandmother would pronounce it, Little Italy.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] I'm overpronouncing it because, as Audrey pointed out, not since the rural juror has a movie name been hard to pronounce if you kind of do it quickly.

[3:16] Although everyone in the movie pronounces it, yeah, they do sort of a Little Italy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:22] Yes, I mean, there's a wide variety of Italian accents in this movie.

[3:29] From real to comically overdone.

Elliott Kalan

[3:33] And to comically underdone.

[3:35] Like, this is...

[3:36] We'll talk about it, but this is maybe...

[3:37] Considering it's a movie about Little Italy, with two families that own pizzerias.

Stuart Wellington

[3:43] Uh-huh.

[3:43] Two families united in pizza, equal in esteem.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] It's maybe the least Italian movie I've ever seen.

[3:50] Like, the Irishman felt more Italian than this movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:52] I mean, not every Italian person has, like, a comic opera accent.

[3:57] It's called Little Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] They own pizza places.

[4:00] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] I mean, no matter what Andrea Martin will have you believe, they don't all...

[4:04] They aren't like, oh, man.

[4:06] Hey, it's Amir!

[4:07] And Andrea Martin, man, what a treasure.

[4:10] I mean, she's great.

[4:11] She's vastly overplaying this role, but we'll...

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] I think...

[4:15] I see.

[4:16] I would say the opposite.

[4:17] I think partly because it makes sense that this is the Little Italy of Toronto, which is probably

[4:23] a little bit less over the top than the Little Italy I'm used to, which is the tri-state area

[4:28] of the United States, Little Italy.

[4:30] You know, downtown Manhattan or New Jersey, where everyone is trying to outdo themselves

[4:35] and how crazily cartoonish they can sound in real life.

Dan McCoy

[4:38] Yes, but let's...

[4:40] I want to read what Scott had to say about this movie.

[4:43] He said,

[4:43] Howdy-do, floppers.

[4:45] I first came across this movie when me and my partner were holed up in a hotel one frigid

[4:50] Chicago night.

[4:51] Scrolling through the still-in-theaters section, we were baffled to find Little Italy, a film

[4:56] that we were both fairly certain was not still-in-theaters, nor had it ever been in any theater.

[5:02] Was the television receiving broadcast from another dimension?

[5:06] One where Hayden Christensen had jet black hair?

[5:09] We decided to shell out the sensible 1895, I don't know about that, and quickly discovered

[5:14] that the movie did come from an alternate universe of sorts, a world of ketchup, potato chips,

[5:19] and public health care known as Canada.

[5:22] Yep.

[5:22] As we watched, I realized that this brand of tomato sauce flecked with maple syrup cinema

[5:26] would be perfect fodder for three Frank D'Angelo devotees such as yourselves.

[5:31] Although, as far as I know, the Sicilian vampire fails to make a cameo appearance.

[5:35] I sure hope you guys enjoy this movie from the Great Right North, or at the very least,

[5:39] I hope it provides an opportunity for Elliot to make a, that's a more, eh?

[5:44] Pun at some point in the podcast.

[5:47] And I did want to say, I forgot to mention the particular piece of merch that Scott Yackison

[5:51] did for us.

[5:52] It's the poster of us all, sort of Big Daddy Roth style, watching a movie on a couch.

[5:58] Oh, cool, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] Well, I'm just going to get this started right away, guys.

[6:04] This contest has yielded some delicious fruits like tomatoes.

[6:10] So, we are going to jump directly into Little Italy.

[6:15] And you know, just right off the bat, guys, I love it when a movie opens with the, like,

[6:21] central theme of what the movie's about.

[6:24] It's like in, what is that, Five Million Miles to Graceland?

[6:27] The movie about battling Elvises.

[6:29] Yeah, Five Million Miles to Graceland.

[6:30] It takes place on Venus.

[6:33] Where the movie opens with...

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] It's about aliens who love Elvis.

[6:40] Where...

[6:40] The Emir is coming to Earth.

Stuart Wellington

[6:42] He loves Elvis.

[6:43] I mean, Venusians aren't necessarily aliens if they're on Venus, but we'll get to that later.

[6:48] The...

[6:49] So...

[6:49] But that movie opens with...

[6:51] You know, it's a movie about two battling Elvises.

[6:53] So, the movie opens with two CGI scorpions battling in the desert.

[6:57] And I feel like this movie opens with an eggplant and a tomato exploding in an Italian man's face.

[7:05] Which kind of shows how, like, two great Italian flavors are more delicious when put together.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] And now, do you think the eggplant, as with emojis, represents the male penis and the tomato represents the female genitalia?

Stuart Wellington

[7:17] Certainly.

[7:17] That is...

[7:18] It is just an introduction to exactly how horny this movie is, which is off the charts.

[7:24] Very.

[7:25] Oh, before we get into the plot...

[7:26] You're like, how many rontgens of horniness does this movie have?

[7:30] Well, the meter says 3.5 or whatever.

[7:34] But that's as high as the meter goes.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] The meter only goes that high.

[7:38] It's gonna take...

[7:38] You're gonna have to get a West German robot to try to defuse this...

[7:43] The horniness in this one.

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] The horniness killed the robot already.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] Oh, no!

[7:48] So, I want to mention this movie comes from the Petri or Petri Canadian-American filmmaking dynasty.

Stuart Wellington

[7:56] And it is a Petri dish of various flavors.

[8:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:01] You shouldn't eat out of a Petri dish, Stuart.

[8:04] It's not a cooking utensil.

[8:05] What if it's penicillin?

[8:07] Don't eat the pen...

[8:07] You don't eat penicillin just out of a dish, like...

[8:10] Oh, no.

[8:11] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[8:12] Why?

[8:12] I don't have...

[8:14] Because, what, it uses a spoon, a fork?

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] No, yeah.

[8:16] So, penicillin was discovered when Dr. Jonas Salk saw some yummy-looking mold in his Petri dish

[8:22] and just scooped it up with his bear claws and just shoveled into his mouth.

[8:26] And he said, oh, I don't have polio anymore.

[8:28] So, okay.

[8:29] This was directed by Donald Petri, who also directed Mystic Pizza and Grumpy Old Men.

[8:34] And in my research, I found his dad...

[8:36] Miscongeniality?

Dan McCoy

[8:37] What?

[8:37] I think also Miscongeniality.

[8:39] Yeah, Miscongeniality.

Elliott Kalan

[8:40] His dad directed A Raisin in the Sun and Fort Apache, The Bronx.

[8:44] His brother...

[8:45] That's his dad, Daniel Petri.

[8:46] His brother, Daniel Petri Jr., wrote Beverly Hills Cop and Turner and Hooch.

[8:49] His mother, Dorothea Petri, was a film producer.

[8:52] And his sister, Mary Petri, is an actress, and she was in The Hidden.

[8:56] And his other sister, June Petri, is a movie producer.

[8:59] So, this is a major movie family dynasty that I had never heard of,

[9:03] even though they apparently received an AFI award for being a family that makes movies, all of them.

Stuart Wellington

[9:09] Yeah, that sounds great.

[9:10] That's some excellent background, Elliot.

[9:12] So, the movie opens on two little kids just hanging out being best friends.

[9:17] We're introduced to Leo and Nikki.

[9:18] Yes, Dan.

[9:19] I know I'm jumping in here, but I just want to say,

Dan McCoy

[9:21] these two little kids will grow up to be Emma Roberts and Hayden Christensen.

[9:26] Hayden Christensen, who is a full decade older than Emma Roberts,

[9:29] but they appear to be about the same age at the time that they're children.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] Well, I mean, that's part of the problem with the entertainment industry,

[9:40] where they've kind of normalized the idea, Dan, that these much older men are roughly the same age as younger women.

[9:46] So, that when you bump into, like, 20-year-old couples where they're both 20 years old, you're like,

[9:51] who's this little boy?

[9:53] Yes, that is an issue, Stuart.

[9:54] Ma'am, you brought your son to the pizzeria?

Dan McCoy

[9:56] I feel like, yes, I feel like while pairing an older man with a younger woman in movies is a very real issue,

[10:03] this is a slightly different issue, which is trying to make us believe that Hayden Christensen and Emma Roberts are the same age.

Stuart Wellington

[10:09] Well, it's like watching Hobbs and Shaw, a movie that posits that, you know, Jason Statham and the amazing actress whose name has slipped out of my head,

[10:21] who plays his sister.

[10:22] Meryl Streep?

[10:23] Yes, I think it is Meryl Streep, Elliot.

[10:26] I'm just going to go out on a limb and guess that.

[10:27] Is it Rebecca Ferguson?

[10:29] It is not Rebecca Ferguson.

[10:30] Una O'Connor?

[10:31] Nope.

[10:33] Nope.

[10:33] Let's not just go down a list of actress names.

[10:35] Betty Davis?

[10:36] I've already made my guess.

[10:37] I already said Meryl Streep.

[10:38] Okay.

[10:39] But they suggest that these two are like basically exactly the same age.

[10:44] And I'm like, well, Jason Statham's 50 and IMDb does not list this actress's age, but I'm assuming it's not 50.

Dan McCoy

[10:51] It's Vanessa Kirby, by the way.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] Yeah, she's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[10:53] She was also in a Mission Impossible movie, which is probably why I was confusing.

[10:57] I think, Dan, the bigger issue for me.

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] Yeah, you get partial credit, I guess.

[11:00] Yeah, yeah.

[11:01] The bigger issue, when you just said Mission Impossible, as if that was her name.

[11:04] No.

[11:06] The way an old person.

[11:07] You were not paying attention to what happened.

[11:09] I think, Dan, the issue for me was less that Hayden Christensen is clearly much older than her,

[11:14] and more the fact that we're supposed to believe the two of them are Italian, which was very difficult for me.

Dan McCoy

[11:17] Well, Hayden Christensen, I looked up, he actually has some Italian in his background.

[11:22] Emma Roberts has none, and it shows.

Stuart Wellington

[11:24] Well, I mean, she is the daughter of Eric Roberts, who is in Pope of Greenwich Village.

[11:30] And at least one Batman movie.

[11:33] I guess he plays a lot of Italian people.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] And Hayden Christensen, as you can tell from his name, is the son of Jesus Christ, who many Italians worship.

[11:41] So, yeah, I guess, okay, it checks out.

Stuart Wellington

[11:43] That just reminded me about how in Batman Begins, Tom Wilkinson has the best Italian accent as a mob boss.

[11:52] Oh, man, that rules.

[11:53] Okay.

[11:54] So, yeah, we're introduced to these two kids.

[11:56] They're best friends.

[11:58] There's also definitely some romantic interest.

[12:01] Nikki clearly has a crush on Leo.

[12:03] And both of their parents, both of their fathers, own a pizzeria, the best pizzeria in all of Little Italy, Toronto,

[12:11] called Pizza Napoli.

[12:14] And one thing, before we get further into the plot, I just want to say I love how this movie is very unabashedly set in Toronto.

[12:23] Yes.

[12:24] Like there are Canadian flags everywhere.

[12:26] There's Air Canada product placement.

[12:28] That's great.

[12:29] So, flash forward, Nikki is now all grown up in culinary school in London.

[12:35] Did I miss a fucking super important point, Elliot?

[12:38] Yes, you did.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] The dads are prepping for the big pizza contest.

[12:43] That doesn't fucking matter at this point.

[12:45] We'll get to it in a second.

[12:46] Because they're, all right, all right.

[12:48] And also, I would say, Andre Martin, as the grandmother, she tells Nikki, never squeeze the love out of a man's heart.

[12:54] You're squeezing those tomatoes.

[12:55] You're squeezing them until there's none left in them, but never squeeze a man's heart that way.

Dan McCoy

[12:59] All right, I like the second one because it's a funny quote, but I have to agree with Stuart that there was no reason to backtrack for a plot point that we will bring up later on.

Stuart Wellington

[13:10] Elliot was hoping that I would mention the pizza contest, but not mention that there's going to be results so that people are sitting on the edge of their seat for the rest of my fucking plot summary.

[13:19] Yes, thank you, exactly.

[13:20] I'm trying to build some suspense for the audience.

[13:22] Obviously, they're going to win because they're the best, but there's a whole movie, so I don't know what's going to happen.

[13:29] Nikki is now in London.

[13:31] She's working for Jane Seymour, who is this evil Gordon Ramsay-type chef character, and obviously, it's Jane Seymour.

[13:39] She's great.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] Oh, wait.

[13:41] I had a question for you, Dan, in this one.

[13:42] So, Nikki says something about, I was actually learning to cook, like four Michelin stars cook.

[13:47] I thought Michelin stars only went up to three.

Dan McCoy

[13:51] Yes, I think that was true.

[13:55] I think maybe recently they added another Michelin star.

[13:57] Let me look it up.

[13:58] Great inflation.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] I see.

[13:59] Okay.

[14:00] Well, anyway, I just figured you'd know that better than me because you're like Mr. Cook.

[14:03] You're like, hey, I've got to make a pizza pie in my house.

Stuart Wellington

[14:06] Maybe she's showing a cultural tendency for hyperbole, Elliot.

[14:10] Oh, okay.

[14:11] I believe that.

[14:12] Okay.

[14:13] So, and now we introduce like one of the major challenges of the movie because Jane Seymour offers, once again, Jane Seymour is playing a character.

[14:21] It's not Jane Seymour, the actress.

[14:23] She offers Nikki the opportunity to compete to write a menu for her brand new hot restaurant.

[14:30] The only problem is she has to get this menu done, and then she has to change her student visa to a work visa.

[14:36] So, she's going to have to go back to Toronto for a brief time only to return to London.

[14:42] So, she's going to have to go back and see her family.

[14:44] And why is that a problem, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] That's a problem because there's some bad blood going, an unfinished business between her family and Leo.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Could this be related to that pizza contest you were so fucking hot for?

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] Yeah, maybe it's entirely about the pizza contest.

[15:02] No, but you're right.

[15:03] You're right, Stuart.

[15:05] Mentioning the exploding eggplant is much more on point than the pizza contest that is literally the pivotal thing in the entire movie.

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] I mean, it's not like we weren't going to get to the goddamn pizza contest.

[15:15] It was a carefully crafted joke that I spent the whole time in the cab coming up with, and I was like, which angle should I go with?

Dan McCoy

[15:22] Also, I confirmed that you're correct, that there's still only three Michelin stars you can get.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] So, maybe she's saying, like, I'm going to be so good, they'll give me a fourth star.

[15:28] But it comes off as, it's so casually said that I was like, does the movie not know how many stars?

[15:33] Did they not do that amount of research?

[15:35] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[15:36] So, yeah.

[15:37] Now, this introduces that the families are now at war.

[15:40] Their fathers, Vince and Sal, have separated, and they have opened up their own separate pizza parlors.

Elliott Kalan

[15:48] And how do they show us visually that the dads are older than they were in the old scenes?

[15:54] They don't have beards anymore, is that it?

[15:56] Yeah, one of them has shaved his mustache, and I was like, no, no, when you get older, you're supposed to grow a beard.

[16:01] You don't, he looks younger.

Stuart Wellington

[16:03] Wait, yeah, I guess you're right.

[16:05] You do look younger when you don't have facial hair.

[16:07] Unless, like, unless you're Lance Henriksen.

[16:09] I bet Lance Henriksen, if he grows a beard, you're like, who's his 20-year-old stud?

[16:13] Yeah, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] That's because he covers up all those pumpkin head scars, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] That's how he got them.

[16:19] Yeah.

[16:20] Okay, so we also, we're also reintroduced to Leo, at this point now played by Hayden Christensen.

[16:28] He's used to playing a character who was earlier introduced as a young boy and is now a grown-up man.

[16:35] And he, Hayden Christensen, you're speciality.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] He said, we're going to need to have a grown-up play a character who was once a young person, once a kid.

Dan McCoy

[16:42] Get me Hayden Christensen.

[16:44] Yeah, we all remember young, young Shattered Glass.

Stuart Wellington

[16:48] Yeah, where he's like, he's like a little reporter.

[16:51] A boy reporter like Tintin.

[16:53] So, Hayden Christensen.

[16:55] Does Tintin just make stuff up?

[16:56] Is that what Tintin is about?

Dan McCoy

[16:57] Yeah.

[16:59] That's why, like, that's why all those old Tintin comics were kind of racist,

[17:04] because Tintin himself was kind of racist.

[17:05] That's the sad part.

[17:06] That's the sad thing that they never tell you.

[17:08] Wow, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] So the real issue was not the making, the fantabulizing.

[17:13] It was the racism.

[17:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:16] So, at this point, Leo has been introduced, played by Hayden Christensen.

[17:21] You're probably wondering, yes, he does at some points have longer spiky hair

[17:25] and at other points have shorter flat hair.

[17:28] I don't know why this is.

[17:30] It could be because he's wearing a scooter helmet because he rides a scooter.

[17:33] So he's a real Casanova.

[17:34] All the ladies love him.

[17:36] We're also introduced to some additional side characters that work in the pizzerias.

[17:42] Both pizzerias employ a character of Asian descent.

[17:45] And yes, you're wondering, yes, they're also kind of racist toward those characters.

Elliott Kalan

[17:49] Specifically the Indian subcontinent, because there's another Asian character who's of Chinese

[17:53] ethnicity later.

Stuart Wellington

[17:54] And this movie makes some jokes that, like, even if, I feel like if Hank Azaria was watching,

[17:59] he'd be like, woof, I'm off the hook now.

[18:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:02] Well, especially because the Chinese guy is also gay, and that is shown by him later on

[18:09] harassing Hayden Christensen a little bit.

[18:12] I mean, they're buddies, so, like, Hayden Christensen seems cool with it, but...

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] It took that as playful joshing.

[18:18] I mean, Hayden Christensen does get harassed by that policewoman later on in a scene I

[18:22] found genuinely very disturbing and uncomfortable.

[18:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] Yeah.

[18:25] We'll get to that.

Dan McCoy

[18:26] We'll get to it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:27] The part where she is openly groping him in front of everybody and describing his penis

[18:32] and stuff like that, like, that's not funny.

[18:34] It was just...

Stuart Wellington

[18:35] It was horrifying, and it went on forever.

[18:38] It was...

[18:38] The thing was, it came right after a scene that was also horrifyingly sexual, because this

[18:43] movie is, as I mentioned, horny in scary ways.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] I will say, like, I was, like...

[18:48] I wasn't...

[18:48] I was uncomfortable with that scene, because if it was a woman, it would be totally unacceptable.

[18:54] Oh, yeah.

[18:54] The movie thinks it can get away with it, because it's a woman groping a guy.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] That scene exists with a woman and a man.

[18:59] It's from Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call, New Orleans.

[19:01] That's how terrifying it is.

Dan McCoy

[19:03] But I have to admit that, like, if it was...

[19:06] The woman, the actress, I found very funny, even while thinking, like, this should not be.

[19:10] Yeah, I mean, she didn't write the scene, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[19:13] I'm guessing there was a lot of improv in that scene.

[19:15] Yeah.

[19:16] Yeah.

[19:16] But, okay, so the dads, they have two competing pizza places, because they broke up for unknown

[19:21] reasons after the pizza contest.

Stuart Wellington

[19:22] And by breaking up, both of them are suffering financially, and in some ways, with their

[19:27] familial relationships.

[19:30] We learn that the wives, played by Alyssa Milano, who brings...

[19:34] Actually brings a certain gravitas to this movie.

[19:36] I kind of like her performance.

[19:38] Mm-hmm.

[19:39] And I don't remember the actress who plays Vince's wife, but they're still friends.

[19:43] They're like...

[19:43] Yeah, look it up.

[19:44] They're secretly...

[19:45] They're, like, secretly colluding and, like, trying to find ways to get their idiot husbands

[19:51] to make amends.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] Hiding wine glasses in potted plants so they can talk to each other.

[19:58] Love it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:58] That looks like that's...

[20:00] I believe that's Linda Cash who plays that role.

[20:03] And she's a Second City alum.

[20:05] She's been in a bunch of TV shows.

[20:06] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[20:07] And we also...

[20:08] We also...

[20:09] And this is another plot line that will develop over the course of the movie.

[20:12] We also learn that the grandparents, Nono and Nona, right?

[20:18] That's what they call grandparents?

[20:19] Yes.

[20:20] Played by Danny.

[20:21] That's a grandma.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] And Nono is grandpa because grandpa's love that song that goes, no, no, no, no, no, no,

[20:27] no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[20:27] That actually explains a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[20:29] Yeah.

[20:29] So, Grandpa is played by Danny Aiello and Nona is...

[20:33] In his final film role.

[20:35] Is it?

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] Yeah.

[20:36] He died after making this movie.

[20:38] And Danny Aiello has never seemed less Italian to me than in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] Yeah.

[20:43] Well, because they pair him with Andrea Martin who's like...

[20:46] Marron!

[20:47] Ah, but I know my boy.

[20:48] He's a good.

[20:49] I mean...

[20:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:51] It's almost like people are like, no, this is actually a stage performance.

[20:54] There's no cameras here.

[20:58] So, and yeah, so it turns out that they're also secretly having an affair that will develop

[21:04] over time.

[21:05] An affair is in like an actual romance.

[21:07] They're not married to anyone else.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] No, but Nona did promise her dead husband she would never marry again, which is a real hurdle

[21:14] to get over.

Dan McCoy

[21:15] And a shitty thing for...

[21:17] I don't know whether the husband demanded it or whether she...

[21:20] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] I think more that she...

[21:21] Maybe more that she vowed.

[21:23] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[21:24] Thanks for saying no, no, by the way.

[21:27] So, we also find out that because of those financial problems, Leo can't just work at his family's

[21:34] pizzeria.

[21:34] He also works at the bar that he lives above.

[21:37] That's right.

[21:38] Luigi's Bar.

[21:40] Tell us about Luigi.

[21:41] So, Luigi is a Chinese man who comedically is called Luigi and wears Italians.

[21:50] He has like an affected Italian accent.

[21:52] He wears a lot of chains.

[21:54] I think he has a belt that says Italian on it.

[21:57] And he runs this like fun dive bar.

[22:00] So fun, in fact, that at one point the entire bar just goes outside to play a soccer game

[22:06] and pour shots in each other's mouth with no money being exchanged.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Was that the part where you were watching and you were going, no?

Stuart Wellington

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:17] I was like flipping the table over and tearing out my hair.

[22:19] And Charlene's like, it's just a movie.

[22:21] And I'm like, it feels so real.

[22:24] So, Leo goes to work.

[22:28] Nikki arrives from London.

[22:31] She is picked up by her friends.

[22:33] Her friends take her.

[22:34] She's like, I can't see my parents yet.

[22:36] I need a drink.

[22:36] So they all go out to Luigi's Bar.

[22:38] That's the local bar.

[22:39] And of course, they run into Leo who is, as we at this point understand, very hot.

[22:45] Every woman wants him.

[22:47] Every man wants him.

[22:48] He's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] He's hotter than a fresh slice of pizza right out of the oven.

Stuart Wellington

[22:53] And they are immediately making super horny flirtation.

[22:58] He pulls a soccer ball out and you're like, what are they going to do with this soccer ball?

[23:01] Well, the thing is that Leo and Nikki have this long history of playing soccer.

[23:06] So, of course, you know, they go outside in the rain.

[23:09] They get all super wet, do a bunch of shots.

[23:11] And then we have this romantic scene of Leo kicking soccer balls at Nikki over and over.

Dan McCoy

[23:18] It is pouring outside, by the way.

[23:21] Oh, yeah.

[23:21] It's like a monsoon in Toronto.

[23:23] And, you know, maybe I would believe that these two flirtatious, like, competitive characters would go out and do this in the pouring rain.

[23:30] But there's a huge crowd out there watching them, too.

[23:33] Many without umbrellas.

[23:34] And I found that crazy.

[23:37] Also, it's clearly AstroTurf based on the way the water is pooling beneath them.

[23:41] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[23:42] Wow.

[23:42] Flubs.

[23:43] Flubs.

Stuart Wellington

[23:43] Right that one in.

[23:44] Oh, public park burn from Dan McCoy.

[23:47] So, of course, at this point, you know, they have this great scene, super romantic.

[23:51] They both get wasted.

[23:52] But, of course, before they can kiss, Nikki passes out drunk in the rain on Leo's lap.

[23:59] Flash forward to the next morning.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Flash forward to the next morning.

[24:01] She's dead.

[24:02] He left her there.

[24:02] With her mouth open, she drowned.

Stuart Wellington

[24:04] She, yeah, on that pool, in a pool of water on AstroTurf.

[24:10] So, she wakes up naked in a strange bed.

[24:14] And then, of course, we see that Luigi is pulling on his undershorts.

[24:19] He makes her briefly believe that they had slept together.

[24:22] And then he's like, no, just kidding.

[24:24] And then Leo comes in and does the same thing.

[24:26] And I'm like, what the fuck, dudes?

[24:29] Like, it's not funny to, like, to infer that you sexually assaulted somebody.

[24:36] And then there's a lot of, like, close talking in this bedroom that also amplifies that, like, threat of sexual violence.

[24:42] It's really weird to me.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:44] So, I was kind of put off.

[24:45] So, I don't actually remember what happened at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[24:47] Well, they're kind of talking to each other about, she thinks they slept together.

[24:50] And he goes, no, no, you didn't.

[24:51] I just put you to bed in your dress.

[24:53] And I don't know what happened after that.

[24:54] And they talk to each other.

[24:55] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] I mean, like, he took the clothes off, but only because, like, she was soaking wet from the fucking monsoon.

[25:01] I think he said she took them off.

Elliott Kalan

[25:04] Yeah, he says, I put you into bed closed.

[25:07] What happened after that, I don't know.

[25:08] So, she probably took them off in the middle of the night.

[25:11] But they talk to each other.

[25:12] It's one of those conversations you see in a romantic comedy where it's like, we can't be together.

[25:16] We're from two different worlds.

[25:17] Like, we just don't have enough in common.

[25:19] And it's like, you're from the same world.

[25:21] Like, your dads were in business together.

[25:22] You're both in the same business.

[25:24] Like, come on, guys.

[25:25] I mean, she's going places.

Dan McCoy

[25:27] And he's stuck in Little Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] Oh, yeah.

[25:31] That's true.

[25:32] I guess that's it.

[25:32] But I guess, I wish they had said that.

Stuart Wellington

[25:34] Yeah.

[25:34] I mean, as addressed later on in the movie, it's called Little Italy because it never changes.

[25:39] Something I don't quite understand, but I think it's applicable.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] Yeah, it doesn't.

[25:43] Like, I wish it was.

[25:44] It reminded me of the line in the movie Heist when Danny DeVito goes, of course you need money.

[25:50] Everybody needs it.

[25:51] That's why they call it money.

[25:52] And it's like, that doesn't make any sense.

[25:54] Like, it sounds like it makes sense.

[25:55] But she's like, that's why they call it Little Italy because nothing ever changes.

[25:58] It's like, wait.

[25:59] So are you saying little things don't change or Italy doesn't change?

[26:02] Because little things often change.

[26:03] They grow into bigger things.

[26:05] Children, small cats, small elephants.

[26:08] They change.

[26:08] Hayden Christensen.

[26:09] Yeah, Hayden Christensen, exactly.

[26:11] Whereas Italy has also seen a number of changes over its period from the kind of separate disputed states that were the case for – well, let's go back all the way to the ancient era of Rome.

[26:21] Yeah.

[26:21] To the different occupied states of the 18th and early 19th centuries.

[26:26] Okay.

[26:27] To the unified Italy that we know today, which itself went through the changes of the fascist governments and current democratic governments.

[26:33] So I would say to you, Emma Roberts, a.k.a.

[26:35] Nikki Angioli, Italy has changed quite a bit.

[26:38] And if you're not okay with accepting that, then maybe you shouldn't be Italian.

[26:42] Oh, you're not Italian, Emma Roberts?

[26:43] I'm so sorry.

[26:44] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[26:45] Yeah, I mean, Little Italy is a little bit like a teenager that transforms into a car and then transforms back into a teenager.

[26:52] And both times you're like, this is kind of sexy.

[26:55] Wait, are you talking about the Wraith?

[26:58] I was talking about Turbo Teen.

[26:59] Okay.

[27:02] So we get some stuff where the two owners of the pizzerias are playing pranks on each other.

[27:10] And by pranks, I mean, at one point, I guess they had called the IRS or the Canadian equivalent, claiming the other performed tax evasion.

[27:23] I think it's called the IRA.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] Oh.

[27:27] Because Canadians say A sometimes at the end of their sentences.

Dan McCoy

[27:30] I mean, that would be funny, except for it evokes Irish terrorism, Elliot.

[27:35] Oh, you're right.

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] Wow, Dan's making a political stand on this podcast.

[27:39] So we are-

[27:40] You're standing against terrorism, sure.

[27:41] Wow, that's very brave of you, Dan.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] Should we take a moment to just think about it?

[27:46] No, we can do one.

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] Dan, I notice you've got a number of different colored ribbons on your jacket.

[27:50] Can you tell us about some of those?

[27:52] The audience can't see them.

[27:53] It's weird that you would wear them for a podcast recording, but just tell us what they stand for.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] I just like ribbons.

[27:59] I like looking like a present.

[28:02] Or like an ultimate warrior.

[28:04] I mean, isn't that the ultimate present?

Elliott Kalan

[28:08] The ultimate warrior?

[28:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:09] But what's this current prank?

[28:11] The current prank is that Sal has switched out.

[28:17] He has spiked Vince's oregano stash with a different kind of stash entirely.

[28:23] He swaps out the oregano with marijuana.

[28:25] A thing that looks very similar, but smells fairly different.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] Well, and also this movie was clearly made by someone who has never smoked or eaten marijuana because the reaction is like people are dancing on tables and going nuts.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] And getting super horny.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:41] This old lady is dancing on a table and she's super turned on by the waiter.

Stuart Wellington

[28:45] And then she drags Joji up on the table.

[28:49] And he is also horny.

[28:50] But I think he was horny before.

[28:52] I don't think he had any pizza at all.

[28:54] Elliot, I know you don't.

[28:55] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Let me say a thing.

[28:56] Okay.

[28:57] Sorry, Dan.

[28:57] Stuart and I are having a conversation here.

[28:59] But I know you need to say your thing.

[29:00] So go ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[29:01] Well, you goddamn people cover me up all the time.

Dan McCoy

[29:05] Jesus.

[29:06] Elliot, I know that...

Stuart Wellington

[29:07] You cover up a sauce with some delicious mozzarella.

Dan McCoy

[29:09] I know that you do not partake of the marijuana.

[29:14] But it will often make you a little horny.

[29:18] What it will not do is make you want to dance.

[29:20] It is well known for making you want to lie on the couch and watch television.

[29:24] That's what I'm more used to.

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] When I'm around people and they're smoking marijuana, usually they fall asleep.

[29:28] Yes.

[29:29] Or they start talking about nonsense that I don't need to know about.

[29:32] And I get out of there and I go, save it for your podcast, buddy.

[29:35] And then they have a podcast called Dan in High Life.

[29:38] And it's where Dan just gets high and talks about whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:42] That actually sounds pretty good.

[29:44] Why didn't you do that like 10 years ago?

Dan McCoy

[29:47] Sure.

[29:47] Okay.

[29:48] I mean, I need a more regular supplier of weed to do a whole podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] All right.

[29:53] I'll get it for you.

[29:54] So in researching this movie, I noticed that on the IMDb trivia, they mentioned that

[29:59] this is so that we know the movie is not out of date.

[30:02] Even though marijuana use was legalized in Canada 10 months after this movie was released,

[30:07] you would still need to buy that pot-infused pizza from a government store.

[30:12] So the scene still works, everybody.

[30:14] Yeah.

[30:14] I mean, I also don't...

[30:15] Don't write into the makers of Little Italy and say it's out of date and it dates the movie.

[30:18] It still works.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] I mean, I assumed if it was...

[30:20] Even if it was legal, you can't spike somebody's stuff with a drug, right?

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] It's still illegal to give drugs to somebody without their knowledge.

[30:28] Yes.

[30:29] No matter how legal a drug is, I think that's always illegal.

[30:31] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:32] So we're also introduced to...

[30:34] There's a slight...

[30:34] This really isn't a complication.

[30:36] I just want to bring attention to a new character, Lisa the flight attendant, who shows up mainly

[30:40] to make it seem like Emma Roberts is not attractive as she is a paramour of Leo's.

[30:48] But obviously, she doesn't matter to him.

[30:50] And she never appears in the movie again.

[30:52] Yeah, she never appears again.

[30:53] This is exclusively to restate that Leo is hot and also to suggest that airplanes may play a part later on in the movie.

[31:02] But we'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[31:04] And so I don't want to gloss over the scene that we mentioned before.

[31:07] After the pizza is spiked is where we get the moment where a lady cop is basically groping Leo to...

[31:16] She's searching his body for, I don't know, a weapon?

[31:18] I don't understand.

[31:19] And she's just grabbing him everywhere and commenting on it.

[31:22] And again, the purpose of this is to remind the audience that Leo is supposed to be some hunk of man.

Stuart Wellington

[31:27] And it's gross and super uncomfortable.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] Yeah, it's really good.

[31:32] She's literally like squeezing his butt and talking about how hard it is to everybody.

[31:35] And this crowd of people that are watching, I was like, this is like something out of like the 120 Days of Sodom.

[31:41] It's so horrifying to me that the amount of powerlessness that he has in that moment and that he's on display while it's happening.

[31:47] It's like, it made me think that this was like a...

[31:51] You know the movie White Man's Burden where they're like, what if white people were like black people?

[31:55] It was like, this is out of some movie where they're like, what if men were treated the way men treat women?

[32:00] I think it would go like this.

[32:01] It just, it feels wrong in this movie, I guess is what I'm saying.

[32:04] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[32:05] But yeah, so it, but I think it also like, it's another moment where the just general feeling of horniness,

[32:13] like kind of bleeds into the, like the main narrative here.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] I mean, Toronto has, it has one horniest city in Canada for I think 70 years running.

Stuart Wellington

[32:21] Oh, oh wow.

[32:23] Yeah, but I think, I think, what is it?

[32:27] Montreal has got to be the horniest.

Elliott Kalan

[32:29] Well, but Montreal doesn't consider itself Canadian.

[32:31] Let's not stick our feet in that landmine.

[32:33] Okay, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Although, the place where corner gas happens is pretty horny.

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] Guys, you know what?

[32:39] I think Canada might be having sex.

[32:43] Oh wow.

Dan McCoy

[32:44] Canadians write in, tell us.

[32:46] Are you?

[32:47] Are you doing it?

[32:48] This is, just write in.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] I think you guys are opening a can of worms you do not want.

[32:53] Just write, write to the Flophouse care of real life Mountie.

[32:58] And just tell us, are you doing it?

[33:00] Canada, we want to know.

Stuart Wellington

[33:02] So yeah, we get some more comedic scenes.

[33:04] We get a scene where the two fathers, Sal and Vince, continue their tradition of having this like, kind of celebrity roast battle where they go to Luigi's and make fun of each other until one of them gets mad and stands up.

[33:19] We have a scene where Nono and Nona are sneaking around and have to meet up at a Starbucks because nobody will see them there.

[33:28] And then they both have, what, like a macchiato or whatever for the first time and they become addicts.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] It's such a weird moment where they're both kind of orgasming over how good they think the coffee at Starbucks is.

[33:39] It was a strange moment in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] And then there's like a garden party where that's held, where like Nikki's friend is hosting and they're trying to continue.

[33:50] Nikki's mother, played once again by Alyssa Milano, who's great, is trying to set Nikki up with a husband.

[33:57] Because here's the thing.

[33:59] Nikki knows that she is not planning on staying in Toronto.

[34:03] She's just there to get her work visa and then she's going back to London.

[34:07] I'm not going to say that she is as big of a coward as the boyfriend in Midsommar.

[34:13] But I feel like if she had just come out and told these people that she is worried about making feel bad, we wouldn't have all these problems.

[34:20] Right, guys?

[34:22] Wait, making who feel bad?

[34:23] Her parents.

[34:24] She doesn't want to tell her parents and theoretically Leo.

[34:27] Yeah.

[34:28] But, you know, we all come to those moments where we want to spare people the heartbreak.

[34:33] But in turn, we're just kind of like, we're behaving cowardly.

[34:36] You know what I mean?

[34:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:38] Have we got to the point yet where they hang out and eat pizza?

Stuart Wellington

[34:41] We're about to go there.

[34:42] No, that's coming up.

[34:43] I want to briefly mention the fellow Mark Anthony that they tried to set her up with who visibly grabs his crotch and then starts sniffing her cast off high heeled shoe.

[34:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] And he's also a mortician.

[34:57] Oh, yeah.

[34:58] And in this movie, finally, we had a Flophouse movie that had bloops during the credits.

[35:03] But in the bloops, they have him talking.

[35:05] He goes, you know, they're not just bodies.

[35:06] They're kind of my friends.

[35:07] Friends with benefits, you know?

[35:08] And it's like they did not need to make this character as undateable as possible.

[35:15] There are certain points in the movie where they're like, let's go way overboard and have a character that is so cartoony he becomes sinister.

[35:21] I did laugh at that bloop, though.

Stuart Wellington

[35:23] Do you think that they had a collection of scenes, almost a triptych of scenes, of her meeting three different guys that all had a fetish or a thing that she was not interested in?

[35:36] And they're like, too much time.

[35:38] Combine them all into one guy who grabs his crotch, has a foot fetish, and also probably is necrophilia.

[35:46] Recast the scene.

[35:47] Just get one dude.

[35:48] Have him do it all.

[35:49] Yeah, I think so.

[35:50] I mean, they probably saw the actor and they're like, he is the entire package.

Dan McCoy

[35:54] Yeah, I want to make it clear.

[35:55] Like, if you have a foot fetish, great.

[35:57] Just don't smell someone's cast-off shoe without their consent.

Elliott Kalan

[36:01] Just ask someone's permission before you smell their shoe.

[36:04] That's totally, it's okay.

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] In no way am I passing judgment on a foot fetish.

[36:07] I feel like the movie is passing judgment on it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] No, the movie is implying that this, I mean, we shouldn't pass judgment on morticians either.

[36:13] Like, it's a necessary part of, you got to do something with dead bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[36:16] I don't think that's what we're passing judgment on.

Dan McCoy

[36:19] Well, I think that they're deliberately making his job unappealing to her.

[36:23] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] The movie, it's not like the movie, it's not like when she hears the mortician, she's like,

[36:27] okay, cool.

[36:27] Like, she's turned off by that also.

Stuart Wellington

[36:29] Oh, I guess I'm assuming that the bloop is part of the canon, that he has friends and benefits

[36:35] with the bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] That's what I'm assuming.

Stuart Wellington

[36:36] Now, as we know.

[36:37] It's not canon, I guess.

[36:39] My mistake.

[36:40] It's true.

[36:40] It's not in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[36:41] Anything that happens during or after the closing credits is just apocryphal.

[36:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:46] And you know, Hayden Christensen's involved doesn't mean that there's some kind of extended

[36:55] universe.

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] But so Leo and Nikki, their fathers are feuding, two different restaurants.

[37:02] They had an argument.

[37:04] They come from different worlds.

[37:05] What are you going to do?

[37:06] Get together for a romantic pizza making dinner, right?

[37:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:09] And man, I love this.

[37:11] I love this date.

[37:13] You know, they're going to cook dinner together.

[37:14] She starts eating and she's like, oh, this is so great.

[37:16] And he's like, he's like, don't fill up on the appetizers.

[37:20] And I'm like, what the fuck?

[37:22] Why wouldn't he call it antipasti or whatever the fuck?

[37:25] Like, who calls it appetizers?

[37:26] I want to say, too, he has a...

[37:28] Once again, I threw the table over.

[37:30] I had already righted it previously.

Elliott Kalan

[37:32] You just went, ma, Ron, ah, and started biting your knuckles.

[37:35] You're so mad.

Dan McCoy

[37:36] He has a pizza oven in his apartment.

[37:39] His apartment.

[37:40] With a big open fire.

[37:42] Which I do not think is a thing that people have in their apartments.

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] It's probably not officially a zoning approved thing.

[37:50] To have an open pizza oven in your second or third floor apartment.

[37:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:54] Yeah.

[37:54] And he is more interested in, you know, fancier pizza pies than the very traditional pizzas

[38:01] being sold by his father.

[38:04] And he puts figs on the pizza.

[38:06] It's another conflict.

[38:06] And her mind is fucking blown by this in a way that, like, anybody who's like a professional

[38:10] chef should not be like, wow, figs on a pizza.

[38:13] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[38:13] But, Dan, she tells him to put figs on the pizza.

[38:16] No, she doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] Yeah, yeah.

[38:18] I was too busy.

[38:20] The thing is, guys, I can't decide.

[38:21] Because the whole time I was wondering, are they going to fuck on this pizza?

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] Well, Dan, you and I are going to have to go back and rewatch the movie.

[38:28] He's talking about the crust.

[38:29] He has a specific way he does the crust.

[38:31] And she says, put the figs on the pizza.

[38:33] That'll cut through the cheese.

[38:34] And so we're seeing that they are combining their talents.

[38:37] And that they make the perfect pie.

[38:38] But you're right.

[38:39] He does have a rooftop garden of organic ingredients.

[38:41] And he dreams of opening his organic pizza place.

Dan McCoy

[38:44] Which, by the way, that rooftop garden has upwards of 16 or 17, like, lamps on it.

[38:50] But they're, like, house lamps.

[38:52] They're, like, table lamps with lampshades and stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[38:55] It's a very, like, sitcom set.

[38:57] Yeah.

[38:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:58] Like, I don't know whether he, like, set those up.

[39:00] Because he knew she was going to come up there.

[39:02] I don't know.

[39:03] Audrey was very much like, what if it rains?

[39:04] What's going on?

[39:05] Why is there any lamps?

[39:06] Dan, it never rains.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] Wait a minute.

[39:09] Soccer in the rain.

[39:10] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[39:13] Yeah.

[39:13] So the date goes pretty well at one point.

[39:16] Somebody says, you're speaking my language.

[39:19] And then they do some sexy Italian dancing.

[39:21] And then Nikki abruptly leaves.

[39:25] She says, I need to leave or else I'll stay.

[39:28] And he doesn't quite realize that she's, you know, that that is, she's talking about an issue larger than just that night.

[39:35] Meanwhile, Grandpa is faced with the prospect of not getting to actually sleep with Nona.

[39:43] So she says, you got to put a ring on it.

[39:46] I think she even says, like, Beyonce.

[39:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] They mentioned Beyonce a couple times in the movie with diminishing returns each time.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] Oh, no, no.

[39:53] I disagree.

[39:53] I love the last time when Andrew Martin goes, I'm a Beyonce.

Stuart Wellington

[39:59] So, of course, he proposes because, you know, what else is he going to do?

[40:04] Right?

[40:05] Like, he doesn't have that much going on.

[40:07] Come on.

[40:07] What's he going to do?

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] Wrap a slice of pizza around his dick?

[40:09] No.

[40:09] He wants her.

[40:11] I guess it is a binary choice, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] If you're not married, you got to wrap some pizza around your dick.

[40:17] I'm just saying, he doesn't have a lot of options.

[40:19] I've been doing it for years.

Stuart Wellington

[40:22] So, yeah, so at this point, like, you know, our two characters kind of go off and speak

[40:28] with their parents and grandparents to get a little bit of knowledge.

[40:32] Grandpa's talking to Leo, and he imparts some very important bits of wisdom, like,

[40:37] love is like making a pizza.

[40:40] You learn from your mistakes.

[40:42] You got to be fearless and have fun.

[40:45] And then he also follows that with, you can take the girl out of Little Italy, but you

[40:50] can't take the Little Italy out of the girl.

[40:54] And a variety of sayings like that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] I wish they had then revealed that he was watching a soccer game over Leo's shoulder and not really

[41:00] paying close attention to the conversation.

Stuart Wellington

[41:04] He's like, the chances we didn't take, the love we didn't make.

[41:07] That kind of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[41:09] So, of course, he's like, hey, Leo, he who dies with the most toys still dies.

[41:12] You know, life's a beach.

Stuart Wellington

[41:16] Yeah, it's five o'clock somewhere.

[41:19] Hey, you don't have to be crazy to work at this pizzeria, but it helps.

[41:23] Yep.

[41:23] So Leo delivers a late night pizza and a message for Nikki to be ready at dawn, where he shows

[41:31] up on a scooter to drive her around, as Charlene put it.

[41:34] They're in Little Italy, not Big Italy.

[41:36] Why are they riding on a scooter?

[41:39] So they wake up at dawn before everyone else is awake to go to a street festival.

[41:45] Yeah, an Italian street festival.

[41:46] But they don't live that far from the festival.

[41:49] They're in Little Italy.

[41:50] Is this a different town over?

Dan McCoy

[41:52] Yeah.

[41:53] But they're also just tasting a bunch of...

[41:54] I don't know.

[41:55] Like, I guess if you like the food that you make, you know, you might have fun going out

[42:03] to a food festival.

[42:05] But I also was kind of watching it being like, I don't know, they got to eat this all the

[42:09] time.

[42:10] Like, why are they going to go someplace else?

[42:11] They're like, finally, Italian food.

[42:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:14] Yeah.

[42:15] I mean, as we've experienced, Toronto is a city that has a lot of different culinary

[42:21] options.

[42:22] It's not just Italian food.

[42:23] So you'd think that they would sample a, you know, a full cornucopia of different flavors.

[42:28] So, of course, in this montage, there is a moment where they're comparing novelty t-shirts that

[42:33] say different Italian things.

[42:34] That's great.

[42:35] And then they, of course, buy those t-shirts because they're wearing them later.

[42:38] And wear them instantly.

[42:39] Yeah.

[42:39] They take...

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] They're regular shirts they were wearing before.

[42:42] I assume they threw in the gutter, no longer needing them.

[42:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:45] This shirt isn't Italian enough.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Now, here's the thing, Dan.

[42:49] Just a minute.

[42:50] This is done like kind of like a flirty montage with music.

[42:52] So you don't totally hear all the dialogue.

[42:54] But I have to assume that, as you were saying, they love this cuisine and they're just like,

[42:57] hey, check out what this guy over here is doing with bread, tomato sauce, and cheese.

[43:01] No, no, no, no.

[43:01] You got to come over here and see what this guy is doing with bread, tomato sauce, and

[43:05] cheese.

[43:05] Wait, wait, wait.

[43:06] Look what I found.

[43:07] You'll never guess the combination.

[43:09] Tomato sauce, bread.

[43:10] We threw some cheese in it.

[43:11] Hey, over here.

[43:12] No, wait.

[43:13] Hold on.

[43:13] I got tomato sauce and cheese.

[43:15] Where's the bread?

[43:15] It's right underneath it.

[43:17] They just need to find all the different combinations because that's basically what Italian street

[43:20] fairs are.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:21] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[43:22] Also, I want to say-

[43:23] Take that, Italian street fairs.

[43:25] As I think I've mentioned before, Audrey, while being Filipino, grew up part of her time

[43:30] in an Italian household.

[43:31] And she was very upset.

[43:32] She was like, you don't buy a cannoli that's pre-filled.

[43:36] So that's a little tip for all you.

[43:37] Apparently, don't buy cannoli that's pre-filled.

[43:39] Yeah, I mean, I do because I'm not going to fill it.

[43:43] Well, you don't have to fill it.

[43:45] You buy it at a place that will fill it for you.

Stuart Wellington

[43:47] So wait, like I buy the shell and then I wait for the fucking cannoli man to ring the

[43:52] bell and drive his cart by.

[43:54] And I'm like, cannoli man, cannoli man.

[43:56] I run out with the shell.

[43:57] I run out with the shell, Dan.

[43:59] And he pulls out his nozzle and he stuffs it right in my shell and he fills it.

[44:05] And I'm like, OK, well, I don't have 17 cents.

[44:08] And he's like, this one is on me.

[44:09] And I'm like, OK, but why are you speaking like that?

[44:12] And then I run in and I devour my cannoli.

Dan McCoy

[44:15] Stuart, you're not buying just the shell when you buy this cannoli.

[44:19] You're paying.

[44:20] No, no, you're buying the experience.

[44:22] The shell and the filling.

[44:23] They're just separate at the beginning.

[44:25] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] They give you the shell and the fill.

[44:27] You put your hand out and they put the shell in one hand.

[44:29] They fill your hands with the filling.

[44:31] And then you've got to mush them together.

[44:33] And that's why they call it cannoli.

[44:35] Because it's like, oh, cannoli.

[44:37] I got a mess on my hands here.

Stuart Wellington

[44:39] Is that where they got the idea for the, what is that, the McDLT?

[44:42] Where they package the hot shit separately from the shit?

[44:45] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] Keeps the hot hot and the cold cold.

[44:48] And it just uses thrice the styrofoam of a normal package.

[44:51] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[44:52] When in Rome, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] You reminded me of a line from earlier where they're at that garden party.

[44:57] And Alyssa Milano, for some reason, is delivering gum and a cannoli to the dad so that he can say the line, leave the gum, take the cannoli.

Dan McCoy

[45:06] Womp, womp, womp.

[45:09] Godfather.

Stuart Wellington

[45:11] That's what that's from.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] Okay.

[45:14] Gob smacks.

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] So, you know.

[45:18] Wait, but what happens?

[45:18] There's so, what happens?

[45:19] They're having so much fun with the novelty t-shirts and the food.

[45:22] What happens, Stu?

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] The only option, of course, is to blow up more vegetables on an old man's stoop.

[45:28] But they make it up to him by leaving him a nicely appointed basket filled with Italian treats.

[45:34] I know I shouldn't have said Italian.

[45:36] It kind of goes without saying.

[45:37] Everybody kind of knew what was going to happen.

[45:39] So, instead, they go back to Leo's place to change shirts.

[45:43] And she's like, make some kind of a comment.

[45:45] And he's like, hey, it's getting harder by the minute.

[45:48] Because he, you know, it's talking about his wiener.

[45:49] It's very horny.

[45:50] And, of course, then they, you know, finally hook up.

[45:55] The moment we've been waiting for.

[45:56] Meanwhile, grandma and grandpa have also hooked up.

[46:01] And they've also gotten married.

[46:03] No, engaged.

[46:04] Engaged.

[46:05] Oh, engaged.

[46:05] Yeah, sure.

[46:06] So, this is the moment where you're like, is this what happens when somebody decides to write an entire romantic comedy around a step-sibling porno?

[46:15] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] Oh, I did not even think of that.

[46:18] That didn't either.

[46:19] Because the scene between the two of them, between Leo and Nikki, he's like, oh, my shirt's all wet.

[46:25] I'll throw it to the dryer.

[46:26] She's like, yeah, mine too.

[46:27] And takes her shirt off.

[46:28] And it's like, he just doesn't seem to get the message.

[46:31] And it makes more sense if there's a taboo being broken.

[46:34] Because she's like, I'll take my pants off, too.

[46:37] He's like, okay, all right.

Stuart Wellington

[46:39] He's like, a Jedi can't get married, you know?

Dan McCoy

[46:43] Now, do the grandparents have sex at this point, or is that later?

[46:47] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[46:47] I thought they were, like, rolling around in the bed.

[46:49] They might not have sex.

[46:50] They're in a hotel, Blowers.

[46:50] But I thought they were, like, rolling around in the bed.

[46:52] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] Well, Danny Aiello, apparently, at his age, is able to get it up twice.

Elliott Kalan

[46:58] Yes, they have just had sex.

[47:01] And then they are initiating the second round when we leave the scene.

[47:04] And she says to him, the immortal line, take off your top this time.

[47:07] Because, like an old man, he wore his shirt the entire time they had sex the first time.

Stuart Wellington

[47:12] Yeah, his sports shirt.

[47:15] What is Matt Barry called?

[47:16] Sports shirt.

[47:18] Sports fest or something.

[47:19] Whatever.

[47:20] It's hilarious.

[47:21] So, of course, at this point, we need to put a little bit of fire under our characters.

[47:26] Jane Seymour, once again, playing a character.

[47:28] Pizza oven.

[47:29] Yep.

[47:30] She calls to, she FaceTimes Nikki to pressure her.

[47:34] She's, like, she realizes, she sees that Nikki has, like, sex hair.

[47:39] And she's, like, is there a penis more pressing than my menu?

[47:44] And that's, you know, it's a great line.

[47:48] Leo shows up and she pushes him away.

[47:50] She's, like, this can't work.

[47:51] She needs, but once again, she doesn't address why it can't work.

[47:54] She just tries, she creates a fight.

[47:56] She creates a problem between the two of them.

[47:59] We also now learn the secret to Nona's sauce.

[48:01] What's that secret, Dan?

[48:03] You put a couple anchovies in there.

Dan McCoy

[48:05] Put a couple anchovies in there.

[48:05] Then you fish them out later.

[48:07] I don't know why you got to fish them out.

[48:09] Just cut those anchovies real small.

[48:10] They'll pretty much dissolve in the sauce.

[48:12] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] Tell Nona how to do it, Dan.

[48:14] She's been doing this sauce for decades.

[48:16] That's true.

[48:16] No, you come in, not even Italian, and tell her how to do it right.

[48:19] How dare you?

[48:20] How much privilege do you have, Dan?

[48:22] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] Dan's read the food lab, Elliot.

[48:25] He knows this thing or two.

[48:26] Yeah, I'm Kenji Lopez-Alt.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] No, I mean, like, maybe she just wants a touch of anchovy flavor, but then just use, you know,

[48:33] one anchovy.

[48:34] Chop it up good.

[48:35] Dan, again.

Elliott Kalan

[48:36] Wow.

[48:37] This is, you're just walking into her culture and telling her how to do it better.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] Yeah, he's like, feast of seven fishes, how about just five?

Elliott Kalan

[48:45] Who needs so many fishes?

[48:47] You know what?

[48:48] I spent a week in Italy once, so I guess I'll open an Italian restaurant and put my swing

[48:52] on things.

[48:53] Come on, this is the way to do it.

[48:54] And what would you call your Italian restaurant, Dan?

[48:57] Like Dan Marino's?

Stuart Wellington

[48:59] Yeah, sure.

[49:00] Let's go with that.

[49:00] Sounds more like a steakhouse in Florida, but speaking of bad names for things, Hayden Christensen,

[49:08] Leo, talks about his dream of opening a pizzeria with fancy, all-natural, organic ingredients,

[49:16] and his name is Pizza Organica.

[49:18] And I gotta say, terrible name.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] It does not roll off the tongue.

[49:22] It does tell you what they have there, which is pizza with human organs on it.

Stuart Wellington

[49:27] And harmonicas.

[49:28] And harmonicas.

[49:30] So, at this point, grandma and grandpa are trying to finally break the news to their families.

[49:38] Yeah.

[49:38] So they organize a joint dinner.

[49:41] A surprise joint dinner.

[49:42] A surprise joint dinner.

[49:43] And once again, this is where the horniness bleeds into reality, where they have decided

[49:48] to go to an Indian restaurant they found on Yelp called Korma Sutra Sensual Indian Cuisine.

[49:57] They, of course, the one family arrives.

[50:00] As they arrive, the other family is also arriving seemingly from another entrance.

[50:07] I'm surprised they didn't make some kind of weird backdoor sex joke.

Dan McCoy

[50:12] I also want to say, the Italian fathers are completely baffled by the idea that you would want to eat

[50:19] another cuisine.

[50:20] They're like, Indian food?

[50:22] Why are we going here?

Elliott Kalan

[50:24] I would love to see if they're like, naan, I guess, is like a pizza crust.

[50:27] Let's see what kind of toppings we put on that.

[50:29] Like, they're trying to reverse engineer a pizza out of Indian food.

Stuart Wellington

[50:33] Oh, that would have been great.

[50:35] So, of course, they, you know, they're, no, both families are a little bit, both fathers,

[50:41] I guess, are irritated by the news.

[50:43] And they realize the only, the only option at this point is to have another pizza contest.

[50:49] So, one of the families will have to move away.

[50:51] It's kind of crazy.

[50:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] Whoever, whoever loses the contest will move away and the dads won't compete.

[50:56] No, no, no.

[50:56] The heirs to the Pizza Thrones will compete.

[50:59] Yeah.

[50:59] Because they've been banned from the competition.

[51:01] They've been banned for life.

[51:02] Oh, I see.

[51:03] I missed that.

[51:03] The dads were banned.

Stuart Wellington

[51:05] So, of course, Leo and Nikki are going to have to compete.

[51:09] And they get in a fight.

[51:12] Leo makes some weird jokes.

[51:14] Well, first Nikki says, I'm a chef.

[51:17] I don't do pizza.

[51:18] Which is a weird thing to say.

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] I mean, it would make sense if she said it in 1953.

Stuart Wellington

[51:24] Yeah.

[51:24] And then Leo, of course, is like, you did pizza last night.

[51:29] And we're like, whoa, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] No, no.

[51:31] She's talking about how, he's like, I always let you win at everything.

[51:34] And she goes, no, you didn't let me win.

[51:36] I let you win.

[51:38] And she's like, oh, like you let me win last night.

[51:40] And they all go, oh.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] Yep.

[51:42] And she slaps his face.

[51:44] And we're like, yeah, he deserved that.

[51:45] That was a pretty shitty thing to say.

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] Especially in front of her family.

[51:47] Although I wish they had done it your way where he goes, we made pizza last night.

[51:51] We made some delicious pizza.

[51:53] We made sweet pizza.

[51:54] You had a heaping helping of hot sausage pizza last night.

[51:58] Oh, wow.

[51:58] Oh, boy.

[52:00] Dan, I'm sorry.

[52:01] The movie is getting into me.

[52:02] Sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[52:03] Yeah.

[52:04] So, of course, the only option is for us to have a pizza contest at the festival.

[52:11] The festival, I don't know if you've ever been to like the 18th Avenue Feast or the Feast

[52:16] of San Gennaro.

[52:16] It's like that.

[52:17] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] And there's a princess.

[52:20] There's a girl who wants to go to the festival.

[52:23] Right, Dan?

[52:23] She sings a song about how she wants to go to the festival, so she has to go into the

[52:26] woods.

[52:26] Yeah.

[52:27] And a ball.

Dan McCoy

[52:29] I can't remember the rest.

[52:30] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[52:31] So, the hosts are these two garishly dressed characters in blindingly colored suits.

[52:40] And there's also some bikini clad men and women who are going to be announced as like, what,

[52:45] Mr. and Mrs. Italian Festival?

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] I guess Mr. and Mrs. Italy Bikini.

[52:50] And this is after Luigi has revealed to Leo, I know I'm not Italian, but when I was thrown

[52:56] out of my house by my dad for being gay, the Italians accepted me, which raises even more

[53:01] questions about, I guess Toronto Italians are a lot more open-minded than the New Jersey

[53:05] Italians I grew up around.

[53:06] But then we know he's gay because he is leering at the Mr. Bikini.

[53:11] Like, they just keep cutting to him going, ugh.

[53:14] Like, whenever they show this.

[53:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] His eyeballs are popping out.

[53:18] He's wearing sunglasses and they shatter.

[53:21] And like, yeah.

[53:22] So, before this, you know, both our leads have their moments where they like talk to Nona

[53:28] and Nona's like, oh, being with a man is so great.

[53:31] And so, they're competing.

[53:34] They managed to make it to the final round.

[53:36] It's our two hero pizzas battling each other.

[53:40] And there's a moment where Nikki clearly has the opportunity and the motive.

[53:44] So, she swaps sauces so that Leo makes his pizza with his family's dough and her famous

Dan McCoy

[53:52] sauce.

[53:52] And I've got to say, like, before this happened, I was joking.

[53:57] Like, they were like walking up with the pizzas and I was joking about like, oh, it'd be hilarious

[54:01] if like it was like Reese's Pieces commercial and they like bumped into each other and got

[54:06] like their pizza all over each other's pizza, which made the perfect pizza.

[54:10] And that's kind of what happens in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] It's kind of what happens in the movie.

[54:13] I mean, it's a little more deliberate than that, but yeah.

[54:15] So, they make their pizzas and throw them directly into ovens that are clearly not on.

[54:21] Like, there's no lights.

[54:23] There's no way these pizza ovens are working.

[54:26] I mean, it's tough.

[54:27] Who brings a giant pizza oven out into the street?

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] I mean, for a street festival, all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[54:32] Oh, I guess you're right.

[54:34] I just thought the food magically appeared or like, or maybe like a dragon breathed fire

Dan McCoy

[54:39] on them.

Stuart Wellington

[54:40] But I'm thinking probably of Renaissance festivals.

[54:45] So, of course, Leo wins the contest.

[54:48] And even before he can accept his trophy, Nikki has already jumped in a cab to head to the airport.

Dan McCoy

[54:54] She has her luggage right next to the stage.

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] I would be so fucking stressed out if I'm like, yeah, so let's time this out.

[55:04] I'm going to pack my bags, okay?

[55:06] I'm going to compete in a pizza festival.

[55:09] I'm sure that that's going to go exactly on time.

[55:12] It's not going to go long.

[55:14] And then if I, oh, even before the festival's done, I'll just, a festival that I guess I'm

[55:18] going to, it felt like she hadn't already decided she was going to lose.

[55:23] Like, it felt like she decided she was going to throw the contest at the last moment.

[55:26] So, it is weird that she baked in that extra time.

[55:31] So, she just jumps in the, she's already leaving.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] On top of that, Stuart, we have never seen her putting together her menu to submit,

[55:38] right?

[55:38] So, is she just going to cram it on the plane on the way over?

[55:41] That's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[55:42] Yeah, she's just going to sit in her seat on the plane and look around the plane and think

[55:46] of things.

[55:48] She's like, plain, plain, plain pizza.

[55:53] Write it down.

Elliott Kalan

[55:55] Jane Seymour's looking at the menu and she's like, there's so many different dishes that

[55:59] are based around small packages of nuts.

[56:01] Is that, that's the theme you're going for?

Dan McCoy

[56:04] Sort of ginger cookies.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] A lot of biscotti paste.

[56:10] This is here.

[56:12] Or not biscotti, biscoff.

[56:13] Sorry, I just said biscoff.

Stuart Wellington

[56:14] So, of course, so, of course, we rush to the airport.

[56:18] Leo wants to try and win Nikki, Nikki back.

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] Wait, hold on.

[56:22] Wait.

[56:22] Guys, I want to see that movie so badly now where she has, she's just raided the snack

[56:26] basket on the plane and is mixing it.

[56:27] She's like, I got to figure out how to do a fancy casual meal out of popcorners and cheez-its.

[56:35] Hold on.

[56:36] How do I do this?

Stuart Wellington

[56:37] How do I work these Terra chips into it?

[56:41] She's like, flotation device.

[56:45] Flotation.

[56:46] Flotation device.

[56:47] Pillowy.

[56:48] Gnocchi.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] Gnocchi.

[56:50] She's like, for the first course, it is a single Terra chip floating in a plastic cup of Pepsi

[56:56] Cola.

[56:58] Now, the salt in the chip really brings out the sugar in the soda.

[57:05] It's a combination of salty and sweet.

[57:08] And Jane Seymour's like, all right, I'll see how far this goes.

[57:12] What's the next course?

[57:14] Okay, next course.

Stuart Wellington

[57:15] I've got time to kill.

[57:17] Let's do this.

Elliott Kalan

[57:18] Okay.

[57:18] Now, next we have, this is a, it's a baked item.

[57:23] It's made of a crust of mashed Cheez-It and biscoff cookie.

[57:28] And it's served on an in-flight magazine.

[57:31] All right.

[57:32] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[57:33] These are some deconstructed pretzels in a barf bag.

[57:37] Okay.

[57:37] These are deconstructed just because you crumpled them?

[57:39] Yes.

[57:40] That's what I mean.

[57:43] So, go on, Stuart.

[57:45] Oh.

[57:47] Okay.

[57:47] So, this is a.

Stuart Wellington

[57:49] So, Leo realizes.

Elliott Kalan

[57:51] Oh, oh.

[57:51] The contest was fixed.

Stuart Wellington

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:53] So, wait.

[57:54] Wait.

[57:54] No.

[57:54] We're still doing this bit.

[57:55] So, like, this is a duo of little salamis because I paid extra for the snack bag.

[58:03] Right?

[58:03] Yeah, yeah.

[58:04] Where, like, one of them is on, one of them's cooked and one's not cooked.

[58:08] That's how it's a duo.

[58:08] I heard some hummus on them.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] Okay.

[58:11] So, I'm playing too.

[58:12] It's a duo of dry salami slices and a tiny packet of, like, liquidy cheese, but not fully liquid cheese.

[58:20] All right.

[58:21] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[58:22] Okay.

[58:22] So, technically, we all contributed to that bit.

[58:24] Okay.

[58:25] So, I get partial credit.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] So, when you guys sell it for a million dollars.

[58:30] Yeah, Stuart.

[58:30] Now, you own a part of it.

[58:31] The ASCAP will register that.

[58:33] Yeah, sure.

[58:33] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[58:33] Okay.

[58:34] So, yeah.

[58:34] They rush to the airport.

[58:37] She, Nikki, is going through the security line.

[58:40] And she is behaving like a person who has never fucking flown in her life.

[58:43] Because she's like, oh, I can't take my keys?

[58:46] Okay.

[58:47] I guess I'll go back through.

[58:48] What?

[58:49] My watch?

[58:50] I guess my watch is too medley.

[58:52] But bracelets?

[58:53] Bracelets is different than a watch?

[58:54] Okay.

[58:55] I'll go back.

Elliott Kalan

[58:56] She has a medal around her neck that her Nona gave her.

[59:00] I forget what saint it is, but it's a saint that looks over wayward children.

[59:03] And she's looking at it like, I have to take this off, too?

[59:07] It's like, yeah, dude.

[59:08] Like, of course you do.

[59:09] Like, how did you get here?

[59:10] From London.

[59:11] I don't understand.

[59:11] You stole away in a pet carrier?

[59:12] Like, what happened?

Stuart Wellington

[59:13] Like, she's a ghost that's trapped.

[59:15] Her spirit is trapped inside an amulet.

[59:17] And she's like, if I remove this, my body will turn into a husk.

[59:21] That's on you.

[59:22] My head will fall off.

[59:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:24] Oh, man.

[59:27] I love that joke.

[59:28] But that buys time for who to get to the airport.

Stuart Wellington

[59:32] Yeah.

[59:32] I think she kind of did it on purpose, right?

[59:34] She was like, I think the way this is going, I've got to give him a little bit of time.

[59:38] Because he's riding a fucking scooter to the airport.

Elliott Kalan

[59:40] If it's anything like what happens to me, she did it because I was right behind her with my wife and two children.

[59:47] One of whom is a crying baby.

[59:48] And the other whom is a boy who does not want to let go of his scooter, even though I have to disassemble it to put it through the machine.

[59:54] And he's just telling me how hungry he is.

[59:55] And she is taking up as much time as possible to keep me in that situation as long as she possibly can.

[1:00:01] So I can't get to the other side where I can get my shit together and get food for my children.

[1:00:06] Because that's what happens every time I go to the airport.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:09] Because famously, the bad travelers are not the people traveling with a bunch of kids.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:14] Famously, people are excited to see them.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] Burn, burn, burn, burn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] From my point of view, this is a real Rashomon we got here, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:22] From my point of view, it's the Jedi that are evil.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] I like the pleasing, mellifluous sound of a child's shrill scream inside of a confined space with bad air pressure.

[1:00:34] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:35] So, of course, you know, Leo gets there in time.

[1:00:39] He runs up some stairs that are placed kind of interestingly.

[1:00:42] It's weird that they would have stairs that close to the security line.

[1:00:44] Because I feel like people could, like, jump over them and get through security, like, parkour style.

[1:00:50] But whatever.

[1:00:51] I don't design airports.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] It's actually very similar to the way that LAX is laid out in some of its terminals, which is weird.

[1:00:56] But you're right.

[1:00:57] It is weird that there seems to be a staircase that goes to the gates that just goes over the security line.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:02] Yeah.

[1:01:02] It seems like, why isn't everyone just going over this?

[1:01:04] Maybe that just takes them to an Auntie Anne's pretzels or something.

[1:01:07] They have those in airports, right?

[1:01:08] Sure.

[1:01:09] Why not?

[1:01:09] So, you know, the whole family shows up.

[1:01:12] It's Canada, so it's probably a Tim Hortons.

[1:01:13] Yep.

[1:01:14] So, the whole family shows up.

[1:01:16] Leo pours out his heart like so much a pizza sauce.

[1:01:20] And Nikki, you know, Nikki mulls it over.

[1:01:24] Like so much wine.

[1:01:26] There's a star-making performance from a security guard who says,

[1:01:30] Girl, go to London.

[1:01:32] Don't change your plans for no man.

[1:01:33] Yeah.

[1:01:34] She immediately became my favorite character.

[1:01:35] Yeah, she was great.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:36] I'm like, yeah, man.

[1:01:37] Don't throw away your career just for this.

[1:01:39] You can figure something out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:40] We're also introduced to another security agent who is played by a gay man who keeps taking selfies.

[1:01:49] It's only important because he shows up later as Luigi's date at the wedding.

[1:01:54] Yes.

[1:01:54] So, eventually, you know, she makes everyone believe, like, she goes through the security line.

[1:01:59] You're like, oh, she gave up on him.

[1:02:01] But nope, she had to get her bag.

[1:02:02] She's decided to stay.

[1:02:04] And everybody's happy.

[1:02:05] And there's a wedding.

[1:02:06] And everybody is coupled off.

[1:02:08] Yeah.

[1:02:08] Everyone's paired off like it's a Shakespeare comedy.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:12] And the dads explain why their feud even happened in the first place.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] Oh, yeah.

[1:02:17] It was an argument over which parents to name the pizza parlor over.

[1:02:21] And both of the parents were like, we don't want a fucking pizza parlor named after us.

[1:02:24] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:25] They don't want to be named after pizza, which is, once again, it's all tied in with communication, guys.

[1:02:30] If Nikki had told everybody that she was only going to be there briefly, they could have dealt with this.

[1:02:36] But it was, you know, they wouldn't have all had to rush to the airport.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] I mean, to be fair, their argument escalated from, I want this pizza named after my grandma.

[1:02:43] No, after my mom.

[1:02:44] No, I want it named after my dad.

[1:02:45] To the point where they were throwing food at each other.

[1:02:48] I think there were bigger issues underlying this argument.

[1:02:51] Oh, yeah.

[1:02:52] Also, the flashback to them fighting.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:55] At the pizza contest was pretty funny because it turns into like an old vaudeville routine.

[1:03:01] Like they're like throwing pizza at each other, like sauce at each other, dough at each other.

[1:03:05] It's pretty funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:07] I am glad that you specified old vaudeville because if it was more of a new vaudeville act.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:12] Vaudeville is back, guys.

[1:03:14] It's called TikTok.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:16] Yeah.

[1:03:16] But also, I want to say, too, Jane Seymour comes over and she is quite taken with the pizza that they've made together.

[1:03:25] For the wedding.

[1:03:25] And talks to them about franchising opportunities abroad.

[1:03:29] So, everyone gets what they want.

[1:03:31] Everyone gets what they want.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:33] Because apparently, Nikki's grandma invited Nikki's old boss to her wedding.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:39] Yeah, I mean, I feel like they'd made a connection.

[1:03:41] She specified that she was her best student.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:44] I guess, oh, sure.

[1:03:45] I guess.

[1:03:46] And also, she's like, so Nikki was in competition with this guy, what, Garth?

[1:03:50] Or Gareth?

[1:03:51] And she's like, ugh.

[1:03:54] Gareth's food went through reviewers so fast that we had to shut down within weeks.

[1:03:58] And it's like, guys, come on.

[1:03:59] This Gareth guy, we barely met him.

[1:04:01] There's no reason to say that he's like poisoning people.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:04] That seems to be also an issue maybe with food sanitation and prep more than his menu.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:12] I mean, which would still be on him because he's the executive chef at the restaurant, right?

[1:04:16] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:16] He made a sauce out of Windex or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:21] And even the Indian employees have now paired up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:25] Yeah, there's a moment where Joji, our leads, are dancing with their respective Indian coworkers

[1:04:35] and then trick them into dancing with each other.

[1:04:38] And there's a moment where Joji sees Jessie in her sari and he's like, he says, holy cow.

[1:04:44] Which earlier in the movie, he addressed that cows are sacred in India, so that's a big deal.

[1:04:50] But like, fuck you.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:54] Go on.

[1:04:55] And then everyone's happy and then it's just bloop-a-palooza, right?

[1:04:58] Yeah, there's a bunch of bloops.

[1:04:59] Well, I mean, a lot of this movie seems to have been improvised because they've got a bunch of sort of alternate takes of jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:08] I don't know, Dan.

[1:05:09] The movie seems pretty tightly crafted.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:11] I would say that most of the time they chose the wrong joke to put in the movie because I laughed harder at most of the bloops.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:16] Yeah, certainly all of Luigi's jokes where they're making a joke about him touching Hayden Christensen's butt, all of his takes were funnier than the one they put in the movie.

[1:05:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:26] I kind of feel like this is the kind of movie where, and the people who made this movie, they've made other movies.

[1:05:32] They're not newbies.

[1:05:32] This is not a Neil Breen scenario.

[1:05:36] These are all professionals.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:37] There's a stink of professionalism on this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:39] Yes, but I kind of wonder if there were takes where they were like, that's hilarious.

[1:05:42] We'll save that for the bloopers.

[1:05:44] Oh, yeah.

[1:05:44] That's too funny to put in the movie.

[1:05:46] That should be in the bloopers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:47] Yeah, you want people laughing on the way out of the theater, you know?

[1:05:50] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:51] Laughing and maybe hungry because did you guys really want pizza afterwards?

[1:05:55] Because I didn't.

[1:05:56] Oh, no.

[1:05:57] I was like, maybe I'll never eat a pizza again because all I could think about was how much trouble it causes people emotionally, the people who make the pizzas.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:06] All right, guys, let's do final judgments, whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[1:06:11] Stuart, what do you want to say about this?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:12] Yeah, I mean, some of the troubling stereotypes aside, I thought this was kind of a good, bad movie.

[1:06:20] I had a good time.

[1:06:22] My wife and I had a great time watching and laughing at it.

[1:06:26] But, yeah, you know, whatever.

[1:06:28] It was fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:29] You know, I watched this with Audrey, who is a great fan of dumb romantic comedies, and she was on board from the beginning.

[1:06:40] I kind of thought it was sort of generic and boring for a lot of it.

[1:06:44] And then, like, I don't know, like the last 30 minutes kind of won me over for some reason.

[1:06:48] I'm not really sure what changed, whether I just had Stockholm Syndrome or whether the energy picked up.

[1:06:54] But, I don't know.

[1:06:56] It exists outside the categories for me.

[1:06:58] I'd say if you're into this kind of thing, you might have fun watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:02] I would say, yeah, it's a, if you want to watch a, it does feel super generic, but that's kind of what made it a good, bad movie for me,

[1:07:10] is that there were certain points where I was like, how generic can a movie feel and still be a movie that has characters with names?

[1:07:17] And this gets pretty close to it.

[1:07:19] If you want to see a super good, bad movie romantic comedy, I'd recommend Down to You with Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles.

[1:07:26] But if you want to watch one where the joke is like, how much, how little movie could they put in a movie?

[1:07:31] Like, how much could it just be the template for romantic comedy?

[1:07:33] I'd say go with this one, because I think I found that funny about it, where it was like, what's the hook?

[1:07:37] Everybody's Italian.

[1:07:39] Okay, do we need anything else in the movie?

[1:07:40] Nah, that's pretty much enough.

[1:07:42] That's okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:43] Yeah, and there's barely any conflicts.

[1:07:45] Like, they could have made way more of the sort of like Romeo and Juliet feuding families thing.

[1:07:50] But like, everyone in the families except the fathers are totally cool with one another.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:55] It's so funny that like...

Dan McCoy

[1:07:56] Even more than that in some cases.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] Yeah.

[1:07:58] It turns out everyone else is fine.

[1:08:00] But also like, there are times when they're having a great time, Leo and Nikki.

[1:08:05] And they really seem meant for each other.

[1:08:06] And Nikki will just be like, no, no, I have to leave.

[1:08:09] Because it's the part of the movie where we're not supposed to be together yet.

[1:08:12] So I gotta go now.

[1:08:14] And it's like, oh, okay.

[1:08:15] I guess you know she's in a movie and they're not supposed to do it until later.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:17] And I feel like a lot of the supporting cast are at least up for it.

[1:08:23] You know?

[1:08:24] Yeah.

[1:08:24] Like Andrea Martin, Jane Seymour, you know, all those guys.

[1:08:30] Alyssa Milano, Danny Aiello.

[1:08:32] So we all agree.

[1:08:33] Should I need some more people?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:34] All agree.

[1:08:35] Good, bad movie.

[1:08:36] With Dan saying he liked it the most.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:38] Yeah.

[1:08:39] He says it exists outside.

[1:08:41] More of a documentary.

[1:08:42] Yeah.

S4

[1:08:47] Hey, everyone.

[1:08:50] Mujan Zulfagari here with the cast of Mission to Zix.

[1:08:53] Hello.

[1:08:54] Our fourth season premieres on February 19th.

[1:08:56] And for those of you who aren't familiar with the show,

[1:08:58] we decided to ask one of our characters to give you a quick recap of what's happened so far.

[1:09:03] So say hi, C-53.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:05] Hello.

[1:09:05] How may we have service?

S4

[1:09:06] C, could you tell us what's happening in the Zix quadrant leading up to season four?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:10] Certainly.

[1:09:11] The evil Nervid Bundloy, not to be confused with the non-evil Nervid Bundloy of no relation,

[1:09:15] murdered his fellow counselors and crowned himself Emperor Megalanti.

[1:09:18] With the help of myself and the rest of the crew of the Bartaria Jade,

[1:09:21] Zeman and I plected Xenornaut, the Emperor, and an ancient cosmic entity known as B-Node

[1:09:24] into a chasm aboard the gigantic Planet Crusher Crusher,

[1:09:27] a machine built to crush planet crushers,

[1:09:29] which in turn were designed to crush planets.

[1:09:31] The resulting implosion created a vast celestial object with unknown powers.

[1:09:35] We are currently in search of our former rebel commander, Sisu Gundu,

[1:09:38] who may yet reunite our fractured galaxy.

[1:09:40] Is that sufficient?

S4

[1:09:42] Yeah.

[1:09:42] All clear to me.

[1:09:43] Mission to Zix, season four, debuts on February 19th on Maximum Fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:50] Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fun podcast, Fanta.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] And I'm Travelle Anderson.

[1:09:56] I'm the other, more fabulous co-host.

[1:09:58] And the reason you really should be tuning in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:00] I feel the nausea rising.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] To be Fanta is to be a big fan of something,

[1:10:04] but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it.

[1:10:09] Kind of like Kanye.

[1:10:10] We're all fans of Kanye.

[1:10:11] He's a musical genius, but like, you know.

[1:10:13] He thinks slavery is a choice.

[1:10:14] Or like the real Housewives of Atlanta.

S4

[1:10:16] Like, I love the drama,

[1:10:17] but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:19] Ew, to the nah, to the nah, nah, nah.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:23] We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations

[1:10:26] about the people, places, and things that we love.

[1:10:28] Even though they may not love us back.

[1:10:31] Fanta, Maximum Fun, podcast.

[1:10:33] Ew.

[1:10:33] Guys, let's take a moment to do a word from our sponsor.

[1:10:42] Our one sponsor this week is Squarespace.

[1:10:47] Squarespace, you know by now,

[1:10:48] it's a service that allows you to take your cool idea

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[1:11:16] Hey, head to squarespace.com slash flop

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[1:11:21] And when you're ready to launch,

[1:11:22] use the offer code FLOP

[1:11:23] to save 10% off your first purchase

[1:11:26] of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:29] Hey, Dan, I had an idea for a website

[1:11:31] and I was wondering if Squarespace could help me with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:33] Almost certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:35] Oh, okay.

[1:11:36] Thank you.

[1:11:36] Well, that's all I had to say.

[1:11:40] Oh, but Dan is getting up and leaving.

[1:11:42] So I guess I'll talk longer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:44] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:45] So I had an idea for a website.

[1:11:48] So here's the thing.

[1:11:49] Everyone knows about Little Italys.

[1:11:51] They're the parts of big cities

[1:11:52] where a lot of people of Italian descent are

[1:11:54] and it's like a Little Italy.

[1:11:56] But I want to find the Italiest corner of Little Italy.

[1:12:00] So I have a new website.

[1:12:01] It's called www.littellitalyfinder.com

[1:12:04] and we're going to find Little Little Italy,

[1:12:06] the corner of Little Italy

[1:12:07] that's even more Italian than the rest of Little Italy.

[1:12:10] I call it Little Little Italy.

[1:12:12] It might be the back room of a restaurant.

[1:12:13] It might be a corner of a pork store.

[1:12:16] It might be just like the shower

[1:12:19] in an old lady's apartment.

[1:12:20] I don't know.

[1:12:21] So it's littlelittleitalyfinder.com

[1:12:24] and what it does is it relies really on user reports

[1:12:29] of how much Italy they find in a part of a Little Italy.

[1:12:33] And the one that gets the most ratings,

[1:12:35] that becomes the Little Little Italy.

[1:12:36] So there's kind of like a Pokemon Go,

[1:12:38] also like competitive game aspect to it

[1:12:40] because people have to make their case.

[1:12:41] Why is this the most Italian part of Little Italy?

[1:12:43] Why is this the Little Little Italy?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:45] And kind of like Pokemon Go,

[1:12:46] it gets people out moving around and walking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:49] Oh, which is so needed these days.

[1:12:50] We spend so much of our life sitting down at work

[1:12:52] or at our computer or looking at our phones.

[1:12:54] Now we can walk around looking at our phones.

[1:12:57] Well, we kind of try.

[1:12:58] And I imagine eventually you'll have so much data

[1:13:00] that you can use your phone like a ghost meter in Ghostbusters.

[1:13:03] And we just wave it around

[1:13:04] and it picks up on the levels of Italian in Little Italy

[1:13:06] until you find Little Little Italy.

[1:13:09] So that's littlelittleitalyfinder.com,

[1:13:12] your source for both finding and reporting on the most Italian parts.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:18] No other sponsors this week.

[1:13:20] If you want to get up on the Jumbotron,

[1:13:23] you can go to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron.

[1:13:27] But let's mention our live show.

[1:13:29] And wait a minute, where is it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:31] Hold on, oh no.

[1:13:32] So Toronto on April 18th at 8 p.m.

[1:13:35] We're going to be in Toronto.

[1:13:36] That's right.

[1:13:37] The site of the movie Little Italy that we were just talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] I think the theater is in Little Italy in Toronto.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:44] Uh-oh.

[1:13:44] Guys, forget what I said.

[1:13:46] It's a great movie and I love it

[1:13:47] and everything about that neighborhood is great.

[1:13:49] Uh-oh, we're in trouble.

[1:13:50] We're going to be at the Royal Cinema.

[1:13:51] It's part of the What the Film Festival.

[1:13:53] That's April 18th at 8 p.m.

[1:13:55] We haven't chosen the movie for it yet.

[1:13:56] It's probably going to be a lesser known,

[1:13:59] not quite as big budge movie as we usually do for live shows.

[1:14:02] But it'll be fun.

[1:14:03] Come on, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:04] And quite possibly Canadian from the choices we've been looking at so far.

[1:14:08] I also want to say if you go to flophousepodcast.com,

[1:14:12] there will be a link to where you buy tickets,

[1:14:15] both on the show page for this episode and under events.

[1:14:19] So it would be very hard for you not to find the link.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:22] I mean, you're probably there already.

[1:14:23] And that's April 18th at 8 p.m. in Toronto at the Royal Cinema

[1:14:26] as part of the What the Film Festival.

[1:14:28] Go to flophousepodcast.com or flophousepodcast.com slash events.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:34] Cool.

[1:14:35] Anything else or should we move on to letters?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:38] Oh, I'll let you know that by the time this episode comes out,

[1:14:43] it will be, I think, a day until the release of the first episode of iPodius.

[1:14:48] The long-awaited Elliot Kalin, John Hodgman collaborative podcast

[1:14:52] where together we watch and talk about the 1974 British miniseries –

[1:14:56] or 1976?

[1:14:57] I can't remember.

[1:14:58] British miniseries I, Claudius, based on the novels by Robert Graves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:01] Oh, I thought it was about going to the bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:04] A lot of people think that.

[1:15:06] It's pod P-O-D and not P-O-T-T-Y.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:09] Oh, because you pronounce it like P-O-T-T-Y.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:11] Sorry, iPodius.

[1:15:14] Okay, thank you.

[1:15:14] Is the name of the show.

[1:15:15] It's a 13-episode podcast miniseries,

[1:15:18] and I think it's going to come out really great.

[1:15:20] I'm excited by what I've heard of it so far,

[1:15:22] and I think you, the listener, will like it a lot.

[1:15:24] From Maximum Fun, that's right, iPodius, February 17th,

[1:15:28] the first episode enters the world.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:30] Enjoy that.

[1:15:31] From Elliot Kalin and a man who once threw a shoe at Elliot Kalin.

[1:15:36] Early reviews say that it's too hot for TV.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:39] Is that true, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:40] I mean, it's both too hot for TV and also has no visual component.

[1:15:44] Okay.

[1:15:45] Which makes it a difficult sale for TV.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:48] Yeah.

[1:15:48] All right, so let's get into the letters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:50] You don't think just watching a blank screen would be –

Dan McCoy

[1:15:53] Let's get into letters, and this one goes like this.

[1:15:57] Hey, flops.

[1:15:58] I just finished the audible version of Dune and loved it.

[1:16:02] But when trying to get my partner into it, they turned me down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:05] I have to assume it was read by Tom Brokaw.

[1:16:09] Chapter one.

[1:16:10] Paul Atreides, heir to the house of Atreides, put his hand in the gum jabbar.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:20] That's the first line of Dune, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:23] Yeah.

[1:16:23] When trying to get my partner into it, they turned me down.

[1:16:26] Often shuddering –

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:27] Do you guys ever – wait, Dan, I hate to interrupt.

[1:16:29] Do you guys ever hear Tom Brokaw's –

[1:16:30] Do you hate to interrupt?

[1:16:32] Yes, I do.

[1:16:32] He read Moby Dick, and it went like this.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:36] Chapter one.

[1:16:37] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:37] Call me Paul Atreides.

[1:16:41] He just loves Dune.

[1:16:42] That guy loves Dune.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:43] I mean, there is like – before Call Me Ishmael, there is that whole like four note to the –

[1:16:47] Did he read that or did he just start –

[1:16:49] No, he doesn't read that part.

[1:16:50] No, no.

[1:16:50] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:51] There was that other part where he's like, like a hump, like a shy haloud.

[1:16:58] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:00] There's also Tom Brokaw reads the Bible, Genesis, chapter one.

[1:17:05] In the beginning, there was Paul Atreides.

[1:17:09] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:12] Okay.

[1:17:13] Going back, just skimming backwards a little bit.

[1:17:15] When trying to get my partner into it, they turned me down, often shuddering at words like

[1:17:19] Kwisetch Hadrak.

[1:17:21] You pronounced it totally right.

[1:17:23] Or Lisan Al-Gaib.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:25] I want to hear Dan McCoy read Dune now.

[1:17:28] Say Sardukar now.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:29] How do we know how it's pronounced?

[1:17:32] These are bullshit made-up words.

[1:17:34] Dan, all words were made-up in some way.

[1:17:35] I could be pronouncing it perfectly right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:37] You're not, though.

[1:17:39] You have to imagine the characters from Dune, as they say them, are stumbling over them

[1:17:42] just trying to sound it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:45] How do we know what the canonical fucking – like, we don't know.

[1:17:49] Frank Herbert isn't wandering around.

[1:17:51] He didn't do one of those YouTube things like, this is how you pronounce this goddamn word.

[1:17:55] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:56] One, we don't know that.

[1:17:57] Two, his son's alive.

[1:17:58] We could talk to him.

[1:17:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:00] Yeah, I don't – what, do you think his son's a fucking expert?

[1:18:04] We saw what Tolkien's son did later on.

[1:18:07] Anyway.

[1:18:08] Wow.

[1:18:08] Sorry to make you pronounce all that, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:10] When Tolkien's son put the word not at the end of the last book of The Lord of the Rings.

[1:18:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:16] Okay.

[1:18:17] Anyway, so do you guys have any suggestions for getting people psyched about Dune?

[1:18:21] Also, what are your expectations slash anticipations for the upcoming movie from first name withheld Atreides?

[1:18:27] Oh.

[1:18:29] It's probably Duke Leto.

[1:18:30] I'll let you guys –

[1:18:31] I'll let you guys –

[1:18:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:31] It's probably Duke Leto.

[1:18:32] I'll let you guys field this one because I read Dune and I'm like – my reaction was, eh, this is fine.

[1:18:37] So you guys as the Dune fanatics.

[1:18:41] Well –

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:42] We're called Dunesberries.

[1:18:43] Big Dune fans are called Dunesberries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:46] I would say that part of the – I feel like one of the closer – like, I don't know.

[1:18:54] Dune reminds me a lot of the Game of Thrones series.

[1:18:58] So if your partner is a fan of the Song of Ice and Fire books or, I guess, the show, the – I feel like Dune has a – was clearly an influence on George R.R. Martin.

[1:19:11] And the way I was able to convince my partner to listen – or, well, to – I always knew that I wanted Charlene to read those books.

[1:19:23] But I knew there was no way she was just going to sit down and read those books.

[1:19:26] So with Song of Ice and Fire, I read them out loud to her and it took like five years and I would get a couple pages and then she would fall asleep.

[1:19:37] But she loves them and I got to do voices for all the characters.

[1:19:42] It was great.

[1:19:44] And it also like inspired her to listen to a lot more books on tape.

[1:19:51] And now she listens to a ton of books on tape.

[1:19:53] So that's what I would suggest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:55] I was actually going to say something very similar because I have two strategies here.

[1:19:59] Number one, so my wife and I, we were on a trip once and I frequently – usually my wife and I have a book that I'm reading aloud to her in chunks or chapters over time.

[1:20:09] And we had forgotten the one we brought with us and I was rereading Dune at the time.

[1:20:13] So she was like, all right, fine.

[1:20:14] Like start reading that to me, thinking she would also fall asleep.

[1:20:17] But she really got into the story because the writing in Dune, in the first book especially, is like – it's wonderfully written.

[1:20:24] Like it really pulls you into that world.

[1:20:27] So I think like set it up where you're away from home.

[1:20:31] You forgot any other books.

[1:20:32] That's the only book available.

[1:20:34] And read Dune.

[1:20:35] Or here's my second strategy.

[1:20:38] This may turn out to be one of those things that you like and your partner is just not that into.

[1:20:43] And that's okay.

[1:20:44] It's okay for you to not share everything with them.

[1:20:46] There's plenty of things that my wife and I share an interest in, plenty of things we don't share an interest in.

[1:20:51] And that's totally okay.

[1:20:52] So like I would say don't spend too much of your life trying to push this on your partner.

[1:20:57] If they don't want it, that's totally cool.

[1:20:59] My expectations for the movie, I think it's going to look beautiful.

[1:21:02] And I think it's probably not going to make that much sense plot-wise.

[1:21:05] What do you think, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:06] Oh, I hope it's – I mean based on the creative team, I'm guessing it's going to be long and like contemplative.

[1:21:16] And there's going to be some sick-ass synths in the soundtrack.

[1:21:20] Oh, I hope so.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:22] Yeah.

[1:21:23] I mean all I have to say about this is I just want to second when Elliot says, you know, if you want to get someone into something, you think they might like it, say, I think you might like this.

[1:21:31] Give them the opportunity to partake in it.

[1:21:33] And if they're not interested, back off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:36] Yeah.

[1:21:36] I mean your partner's life is not going to be – probably not going to be changed immeasurably by whether they read Dune or not.

[1:21:41] If it is changed immeasurably, then that partner may not be the one you ultimately want to be with.

[1:21:45] Because like do you suddenly want your whole life to be about Dune?

[1:21:48] I don't know about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:49] This next letter is from Lawrence, last name withheld.

[1:21:52] Who writes –

[1:21:53] Lawrence Fishburne.

[1:21:54] Wow.

[1:21:56] Lawrence Fishburne writes,

[1:21:58] Sup, nerds.

[1:21:59] Recently, I donated my kidney to a stranger.

[1:22:02] Right before the surgery, I watched the first half of Venom.

[1:22:06] Right after the surgery, I finished it off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:09] That takes such faith, either that you are going to make it through the surgery and finally find out what happens to Venom, or that you're like, you know what?

[1:22:16] What's a movie that I'm not going to care if it ends or not in case I die during the surgery?

[1:22:20] Venom?

[1:22:20] Okay, sure, fine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:21] There's also a feeling of like sometimes when you sink your teeth into a really great story, you kind of don't want to end, you know?

[1:22:28] Like the feeling I had in between the Peter Jackson films, Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, and Lord of the Rings, Return of the King was so much more excitement and like love of life in general than I felt after Return of the King, which I was just kind of sad, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:47] Yeah, because you had finished the quest?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:50] I had finished the quest.

[1:22:51] I had reached Mount Doom on my own.

[1:22:54] I didn't need an eagle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:56] That's kind of how I felt when I read One Fish and Two Fish, and I saw that there were two more fish left on the cover, and I was like, I don't know, I'm having such a good time.

[1:23:05] I don't know if I want to see what those, I want to not know what those fish are, but then I tripped and I glanced down and I saw it said Red Fish, Blue Fish, and I was like, oh, I have no more fish to look forward to.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:16] Moving on back to the actual letter.

[1:23:18] Okay.

[1:23:18] A few weeks later, I wondered what the ending of Venom was like when I wasn't high on fentanyl, so I tried to rewatch it.

[1:23:24] I made it about ten minutes in before the enormity of what I had done hit me, and I started crying and had to turn it off.

[1:23:31] I wasn't sad, exactly.

[1:23:33] I just didn't know how to process the emotion that the movie provoked in me.

[1:23:37] So I have two questions.

[1:23:39] Number one, what absolutely terrible and stupid movies have your lives given you deep, strange emotional connections to?

[1:23:46] Number two, if you transplanted your organs into the bodies of strangers, what horrible urges and preferences would your parts force on the recipients?

[1:23:55] Yours in floppiness?

[1:23:56] Lawrence's last name withheld.

[1:23:59] I want to say, like, this isn't a bad movie in any way.

[1:24:04] I actually think it's a pretty good movie, if a little standard.

[1:24:08] But I watched The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and a lot of people criticize that movie because it's not so much about Mr. Rogers.

[1:24:17] Mr. Rogers is kind of a supporting character in it.

[1:24:20] It's much more about the journalist talking to Mr. Rogers.

[1:24:23] But I cried through so much of that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:28] But you were at Alamo Drafthouse's Onion Night.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:32] Yes, I was.

[1:24:33] No, but I watched it with Audrey, and she was like, it is fine.

[1:24:35] And I think that's because she's had to spend too much of her life dealing with emotionally stunted men.

[1:24:44] Whereas I responded to it deeply because I am an emotionally stunted man.

[1:24:49] So I was like, okay, there's this movie about a man who's learning how to deal with his emotions, learning how to deal with them more healthily, has a lot of repressed anger that he needs to let go of.

[1:25:00] And here's this man showing him a different way, really teaching him something important.

[1:25:07] And I found it way more moving than maybe a very simple story arguably deserves.

[1:25:17] But I just found a big connection to it because I'm like, oh, I wish a manic pixie dream Mr. Rogers would come into my life and fix me.

[1:25:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:29] I mean, I don't know if I would say manic.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:32] A calm pixie Mr. Rogers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:35] Like a placid pixie Mr. Rogers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:37] I, uh, yeah, I mean, my, my story is not, uh, is not as deeply rooted in emotion, but, uh, I remember when I was in a pretty bad car accident in high school and, uh, my already broken arm got rebroken and I was bedridden for a little while.

[1:25:57] My mom went and rented some horror movies for me to watch because she's a good fucking mom and she knows her son.

[1:26:04] Uh, and she rented body parts starring Jeff Fahey, a story about a man who is in a horrible car accident and gets his arm torn off.

[1:26:15] Uh, so yeah, that was pretty great.

[1:26:16] Uh, and then, uh, and then I mean like for a stupid movie that I have, uh, a stupid movie that's arguably hateful and hurtful that I have a strong relationship with, uh, is a movie that I've just watched so many times a kid.

[1:26:31] And I'm sure it, uh, it, uh, it stunted me emotionally, uh, is 16 Candles, uh, which, uh, I feel like I had to do many, many years of deprogramming to get out of my system.

[1:26:46] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:48] Uh, I mean, I don't have anything as, uh, as deep as either of those stories.

[1:26:52] I was just going to say that, uh, when I was a kid, my sister's favorite movie was Teen Wolf, so we watched it a lot.

[1:26:57] And so Teen Wolf reminds me of like my very young childhood in a way that, uh, not too many other movies do.

[1:27:04] So, and Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf is maybe the stupidest movie ever made.

[1:27:08] It's so stupid.

[1:27:09] It's, it's up there.

[1:27:10] It's up there.

[1:27:11] It's incredibly dumb.

[1:27:12] Uh, and.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:13] Just the idea that like, oh, we've got this werewolf story.

[1:27:15] What should we do?

[1:27:16] Oh, it's turning into a basketball movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:18] Yeah.

[1:27:18] It's so, I mean, that's, it's so that it's, it's a basketball movie that no one is ever scared of a werewolf.

[1:27:24] And the message of the movie is kind of like, hey, life's a lot better when you're a werewolf, which is a crazy message for a movie.

[1:27:32] Yeah.

[1:27:33] But anyway, it's a very dumb movie, but, uh, I have a sweet spot in my heart for it because I spent so much time with my sister watching it.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:40] Uh, and as for donating body parts, first I want to say, you know, uh, what a great thing for you to do.

[1:27:45] Uh, thank you.

[1:27:46] Yeah.

[1:27:47] Yeah.

[1:27:47] I really admire that.

[1:27:49] Um, but, uh, you know, if any part of my body got transplanted into someone else, you know, probably an insatiable lust for butts, I guess.

[1:27:57] If you donate your corneas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:59] Yeah.

[1:28:00] We'd only see butts.

[1:28:01] Yeah.

[1:28:02] Uh, you guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:03] Oh man.

[1:28:04] Uh, yeah, this is a hard one.

[1:28:07] Yeah.

[1:28:07] Sometimes I hold back the sillier question just to see what you guys will do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:12] I mean, the easy answer for me is like a hunger for Popeyes.

[1:28:16] Yeah.

[1:28:16] But the harder answer would be, um, like a sort of, um, like depressive self-loathing that no amount of, of, uh, career or family success can ever fully erase.

[1:28:30] So thank you for saving the silly question, Dan.

[1:28:32] Sure.

[1:28:32] Yeah.

[1:28:32] Not giving me any time to think about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:33] Yeah.

[1:28:34] That's like, uh, it's like if I transplanted my, uh, my hair onto somebody, they would be given this like sense of confidence.

[1:28:43] And, uh, like a carefree attitude of, yeah, power, I think.

[1:28:47] Yeah.

[1:28:47] Like, like just raw power.

[1:28:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:51] And a deep, a deep, a deep, and a deep need to own a jeweled Furby necklace, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:56] Oh, certainly.

[1:28:58] That would be how I would win.

[1:29:00] Uh, that's, that's a direct quote of the movie, right?

[1:29:04] Let's move on to our files.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:08] You know what?

[1:29:09] I like that movie.

[1:29:09] I, there's a version of Uncut Gems where the studio got to it and made a lot of changes.

[1:29:14] And at the end, Adam Sandler has his arms around his family and he goes, I forgot you guys are the real Uncut Gems.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:29:20] And instead of a Passover Seder, it's a, like a Christmas dinner.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:23] Yeah.

[1:29:24] Also, yeah, they're Christmas now.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:27] Uh, let's move on to our final segment, which is recommendations of movies that we liked that you might want to see.

[1:29:34] I don't know.

[1:29:34] In addition to this movie, if you decide to see Little Italy.

[1:29:38] But, um...

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:39] Hey guys, it's time for us to tell about some movies.

[1:29:42] A different kind of movie than the movie we were telling about before.

[1:29:46] These are movies that we like.

[1:29:48] Movies watching on a bike.

[1:29:49] Movies maybe your name's Mike.

[1:29:51] They're movies that we like.

[1:29:53] Hey movies, we love you sometimes.

[1:29:55] But sometimes we don't.

[1:29:57] And we talk about you on the Flophouse.

[1:29:59] But then there's that last 5 to 10% of the show.

[1:30:02] Where we talk about movies we like.

[1:30:06] They're movies we could watch all night.

[1:30:08] Oh yeah.

[1:30:08] Black and white.

[1:30:09] Or sometimes in color too.

[1:30:11] Maybe in 3D for you.

[1:30:12] They're movies that we like.

[1:30:14] And we're telling you to watch them tonight.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:17] Wow.

[1:30:18] Mixing up when the song comes in the episode.

[1:30:21] Hands with a bang.

[1:30:22] Just trying to keep you on your toes.

[1:30:24] I don't care for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:25] So Dan, you're a big movie freak.

[1:30:27] Sure.

[1:30:27] What do you got on the top plate?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:30] Dan, you're kind of the movie buff of the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:33] I, yesterday, went and saw the, I saw Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of

[1:30:41] One Harley Quinn.

[1:30:42] Uh-huh.

[1:30:43] You know, normally I might go for something smaller.

[1:30:45] But unfortunately, this movie is not doing well at the box office.

[1:30:49] So I want to, you know, throw what tiny, tiny weight I have behind it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:55] Yes, Dan, we can see you lost weight.

[1:30:58] We get it.

[1:30:58] You have a tiny weight now.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:00] But, no, I think we were all pretty much in agreement that while Suicide Squad sucked,

[1:31:06] Margot Robbie was one of the bright points in it.

[1:31:09] And she does a really great job.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:12] Basically, aside from all the jokes they made her say, she said them with quite a bit of

[1:31:16] vim and vigor.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:17] Yeah, well, I mean, this is a much better version of that character and a better movie that she's

[1:31:23] in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:23] She does say, Dan, she does say, talk about a killer app after a guy's head explodes.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:29] There's nothing that dumb in this movie.

[1:31:30] I think it's a harder acting job than it might seem at first because she has to be very funny.

[1:31:39] She has to have these sort of outsized cartoonish reactions to things.

[1:31:44] But she also brings a weird human grounding to it.

[1:31:48] And she's doing all those things at the same time.

[1:31:50] And she's the constant source of energy in that movie.

[1:31:54] I will say it was sort of surprising to me.

[1:31:56] For a movie whose title starts out with Birds of Prey, it is definitely a Harley Quinn movie

[1:32:01] with special guests, Birds of Prey.

[1:32:03] Okay.

[1:32:05] But it's fun.

[1:32:07] It's candy colored.

[1:32:08] Ewan McGregor is very funny in it as the bad guy.

[1:32:11] Mary Elizabeth Winstead is terrific in it.

[1:32:14] I always like her.

[1:32:15] I wish there was more of her in the movie.

[1:32:17] How much zazz is in it?

[1:32:19] There's a lot of zazz.

[1:32:20] Cool.

[1:32:21] Also, for a DC movie, the action is pretty comprehensible and creative.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:27] And it's all well choreographed.

[1:32:29] And you said it's bright, which is nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:32] Yeah, it's like a candy colored movie directed by and written by a woman and produced by Margot Robbie.

[1:32:39] So that's nice.

[1:32:42] Yeah.

[1:32:42] I mean, if you're in the mood for a big, silly action movie, you do a lot worse.

[1:32:48] Anyone else?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:49] Well, it's award season.

[1:32:52] So, of course, I've been...

[1:32:55] You see where this is going.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:56] Especially because we're recording this on the day of the Academy Awards.

[1:33:00] We're recording this on the day of the Academy Awards.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:02] So, I've been catching up on movies that are going to be talked about in the current cultural zeitgeist.

[1:33:11] So, of course, I'm going to recommend a movie called Tammy and the T-Rex, the new R-rated cut.

[1:33:16] It's available on Shudder.

[1:33:19] This features a very young Denise Richards and a very young Paul Walker about a young teenager who gets his brain transplanted into a robot dinosaur's body.

[1:33:30] I think it's a robot.

[1:33:31] It's tough.

[1:33:32] It's tough to tell exactly what's going on.

[1:33:34] Yeah, it's like an animatronic.

[1:33:35] Yeah.

[1:33:35] It's very gory.

[1:33:37] It's very silly.

[1:33:40] When the movie begins, you get a title card that calls the movie Tanny and the Teenage T-Rex, which is not the name of the movie that I decided to watch.

[1:33:51] I love when that happens.

[1:33:53] So, yeah.

[1:33:54] If you get a chance, it's like...

[1:33:55] And it's directed by the director of Mac and Me.

[1:33:58] And it's significantly more fun than that.

[1:34:01] It's just such a goofy fucking movie.

[1:34:04] Oh, man.

[1:34:04] If you're looking for a solid, good-ass, good-bad movie, I highly recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:09] I haven't watched it yet, but I got an email from Shudder telling me that it was available.

[1:34:14] Yeah, it's like, Dan, Dan, Dan.

[1:34:16] Drop what you're doing, idiot.

[1:34:17] I was so fucking excited when I got that email.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:20] I'm like, yes!

[1:34:21] And you replied, yes!

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:23] And it said, no reply.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:25] The mailer demon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:27] Now there's a mailer demon that's haunting you.

[1:34:29] Yeah.

[1:34:30] What do you got, Elliot?

[1:34:31] So, I have a recommendation that comes with a correction from our last full episode.

[1:34:37] We were talking about 80s movies, and I mentioned Howard's End.

[1:34:40] Howard's End is a 1992 movie.

[1:34:42] And you know what movie I watched recently for the first time?

[1:34:45] Howard's End.

[1:34:46] I've never seen it before.

[1:34:48] It was on Netflix.

[1:34:49] I decided to throw it on.

[1:34:50] And it's the kind of movie that, when I was younger, I was like, ugh, I don't need to

[1:34:53] see one of these slow costume dramas.

[1:34:56] But watching it, I was like, oh, this is a really good, entertaining movie.

[1:34:59] The movie moves at a fast clip.

[1:35:02] And it's a movie that jumps time in unexpected ways, so that you kind of have to keep up with

[1:35:06] it.

[1:35:07] And yeah, it's a costume drama, but there's also some funny parts.

[1:35:10] And the actors are amazing in it.

[1:35:12] And I really liked it a lot.

[1:35:13] There's one kind of, not action-y, but the closest thing the movie has to an action climax,

[1:35:18] the scene is not really put together that great.

[1:35:20] But otherwise, I thought it was really good.

[1:35:22] And I really liked it a lot.

[1:35:23] So I'm going to recommend Howard's End.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:25] Yeah.

[1:35:26] If I was going to watch it, but I didn't have a lot of time, would it be weird if I just

[1:35:30] fast forward to the end?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:32] I mean, it would be, because you wouldn't know what was going on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:36] But I just want to see what the title means.

[1:35:37] Yeah, the Howard's End.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:38] No, no.

[1:35:39] But you know it from the beginning.

[1:35:40] Howard's End is the name of a house.

[1:35:42] It's the story of a...

[1:35:43] What?

[1:35:44] It's the story of a wealthy family that owns a country house called Howard's End, and

[1:35:49] the relationship that pops up first between the mother of that family and a kind of what

[1:35:56] they would call at the time a new woman.

[1:35:57] You know, this takes place at the beginning of the 20th century.

[1:36:01] These two sisters, played by Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter, who are very, like,

[1:36:05] free-thinking and liberal.

[1:36:06] And the relationship that pops up first between Emma Thompson and the mother of that family,

[1:36:10] and then with the father of that family, played by Anthony Hopkins, and also Helena Bonham

[1:36:14] Carter's increasing entanglement with a lower-class man who she wants to help, but who increasingly

[1:36:20] does not deserve her help.

[1:36:22] Bum, bum, bum.

[1:36:23] But all the characters in it are, like, characters.

[1:36:26] There's no, like...

[1:36:26] Yeah.

[1:36:27] Except for...

[1:36:27] Actually, that's not true.

[1:36:28] There's...

[1:36:28] Anthony Hopkins' son in it is basically Eric Trump.

[1:36:32] But otherwise, there's no, like, bad guys.

[1:36:35] They're just people with, you know, different conflicting emotions.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:38] I would like to say that a lot of the movies that these films inspired, let's call them

[1:36:43] 90s Miramax movies, were, like, these sort of staid costume, like, middle-brow things that

[1:36:51] are not so great.

[1:36:52] But the March of the Ivory movies are all pretty good.

[1:36:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:56] I mean, they know...

[1:36:57] There are times in this where they're working with...

[1:36:59] Especially for a movie that is mostly a domestic movie.

[1:37:03] It's like there's not a lot of spaceships.

[1:37:05] You know?

[1:37:06] They're working with a wide frame in it and a big screen.

[1:37:08] And they...

[1:37:09] The way they use that screen is beautiful.

[1:37:11] Like, they...

[1:37:12] It's...

[1:37:12] The screenplay is great.

[1:37:13] The way the movie looks amazing.

[1:37:15] And not just, like, oh, the costumes look pretty.

[1:37:17] But, like, the way they use the frame is really fantastic.

[1:37:20] And the story had me hooked.

[1:37:23] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:23] So that's my recommendation.

[1:37:24] Hook.

[1:37:24] Starring Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:27] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:28] Oh.

[1:37:29] Okay, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:30] Well, let's just end this thing, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:32] And Bob Hoskins is in that, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] Yes, technically.

[1:37:37] But we don't like to talk about him in our house.

[1:37:40] Robert Hoskins.

[1:37:41] Yeah.

[1:37:42] Oh, you mean Robert Hoskins?

[1:37:44] I don't know him well enough to call him Bob.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:46] And Julia Roberts' aunt.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:49] Yeah, barely.

[1:37:50] She has a very small role.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:51] Julia Roberts.

[1:37:52] Oh, shit!

[1:37:54] Emma Roberts' aunt.

[1:37:56] So, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:57] Oh, actually, and I want to mention, also, Howard's End is your chance to see Prunella Scales, the wife from Fawlty Towers, in a rare, slightly more dramatic role.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:07] Oh, nice.

[1:38:08] Okay, guys.

[1:38:10] Hey.

[1:38:11] Hey, why don't you listen to...

[1:38:13] Hey, what?

[1:38:14] Some other MaxFun podcasts.

[1:38:16] Please do.

[1:38:16] From our network.

[1:38:17] There's a new one out called Fanti.

[1:38:20] Mm-hmm.

[1:38:20] It's about sort of things in pop culture that might be a little problematic and having kind of a more nuanced conversation about them than maybe one normally sees online.

[1:38:33] And I listened to some of it this morning.

[1:38:36] I didn't have enough time to listen at all, but it's very charming.

[1:38:38] The hosts are very good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:41] It's about, like, problematic faves, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:44] Well, I think that that simplifies it a little bit.

[1:38:46] I don't know how they would like to define it.

[1:38:48] I just think, you know, if you have any interest in, you know, a smart cultural podcast, check it out.

[1:38:54] Yeah.

[1:38:56] And go to iTunes and review us, hopefully well, you know.

[1:39:02] Don't go there to shit on us.

[1:39:04] Why do that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:05] Don't be like the woman who used Yelp to complain about my bar's bartenders because they wouldn't let her friend bring in an outside drink.

[1:39:14] Yeah, don't do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:15] We'll let you bring in an outside drink, though, here at the Flop House.

[1:39:18] Yeah, anytime you want.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:19] The Flop House, you can bring any drink into it.

[1:39:21] So, yeah, listen to other MaxFun podcasts.

[1:39:23] Talk about us on iTunes.

[1:39:25] Tweet about us.

[1:39:26] Instagram about us.

[1:39:26] Tell people about us.

[1:39:28] Write pigeon messages about us.

[1:39:29] If you have something good about us to say, just stuff it in a bottle.

[1:39:32] Throw that bottle in the ocean.

[1:39:33] Hopefully it'll reach somebody someday.

[1:39:35] Take our ashes and shoot them into space so that aliens learn about the Flop House.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:39] When?

[1:39:40] Yep.

[1:39:40] When we're dead, I hope.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:42] No.

[1:39:43] We won't be able to do the podcast after that.

[1:39:44] So now, while we're doing it, while we're live, this show is edited by Jordan Cowling.

[1:39:50] It is produced by, what, Dan McCoy?

Dan McCoy

[1:39:53] I'd say Dan and Jordan.

[1:39:54] Let's, you know, I'd say co-producers at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:57] Co-producers, Dan McCoy and Jordan Cowling.

[1:39:59] And stay tuned for more Flop House in the future.

[1:40:03] See ya.

[1:40:04] Bye.

[1:40:12] I don't know the rest of the song, so I guess I'll just repeat the thing that I said.

[1:40:17] And I was like, hmm, the Force is strong with this one.

[1:40:19] Yep.

[1:40:21] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:21] You said that like Darth Vader said about Luke Skywalker, because you're his dad.

[1:40:27] Wait, what?

[1:40:28] Okay.

[1:40:29] You're Sammy's dad.

[1:40:30] I'm sorry to break this to you.

[1:40:31] Bye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:31] Bye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:33] MaximumFun.org

[1:40:35] Comedy and culture.

[1:40:37] Artist owned.

[1:40:38] Audience supported.

Ep. #305 - Little Italy

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